#this is the hardest thing I've ever tried it took me like. 5 days

[ghostlyheart]

Coffee and you

Maggie and Nina in Good Omens Season 2

[cafeinthemoon]

Ruins - Part XXII

Chapter 22

Wordcount 4,1k

Title Part XXII

Fandom Shummatsu no Valkyrie / Record of Ragnarok

Previous chapters

1 . 2 . 3 . 4 . 5 . 6 . 7 . 8 . 9 . 10 . 11 . 12 . 13 . 14 . 15 . 16 . 17 . 18 . 19 . 20 . 21

Symbols ⭕ . ➕ . 💛

Warnings: Mentions of nudity, undressing; non explicit sex

Tagging @holdyourwine @lilacshouko @shirayuki-ayumi @telvess @alecfromsaturn (If you want to be tagged in any of my stories, just leave a comment on this chapter or send an ask or a message)

N. A.: I don't even know what to say after so long, except that I'm happy to finally come back and put this chapter out 😭🙏 I've been thinking of it for ages and questioning myself whether I'd be able to give these two a proper honeymoon or not, but this is an issue that haunts me every time I sit to write a honeymoon/intimate scene. The potion stuff was something I wanted to include back in the wedding chapter, but it's end up too long so I abandoned the idea. Now I had the chance to use it, and to try to bring some comedy vibes to soothe things a bit 😅

Anyways, hope you have fun! Missed you all 💜🥰

For you were too tired to stay awake after your brother-in-law left, you never saw the moment your husband came back to the private sections of your chambers, as much as when the rays of sunshine first entered the room. When you opened your eyes, the ceiling and the walls were already touched by the warm light, and the people in the tapestry over your head were as joyful as ever.

You tried to move the sheets from upon you and found out you could do it with no problems. You looked around and sensed the room was too quiet. You were also alone in the bed.

You frowned.

Where did he go?

You took a deep breath and, after some effort, you sat on the bed. You felt a strange, but complete relief with that gesture: your strength came back to you, there were no shivers spreading through your skin and no fear making your heart heavy. Was the transformation finished? You couldn’t believe it’d happen so fast, but maybe the hardest part of the process was over and you’d be able to carry on with your activities while it came to its end. Whatever the case, you were content to see you were yourself again.

You left the bed and headed to the bathroom. You closed the door, turned on the lights around the mirror to wash your face… and were static with what you saw there.

It was still you in the reflection, the same eyes, nose, lips and all, but at the same time it wasn’t. You saw a refreshed, cleaner version of you, with an inhuman glow in the lilac of your eyes and a flawless skin to cover each spot. Yes, you were sure it was still you, but more beautiful, more gracious, even without a layer of makeup and a disheveled hair to frame your expression.

So… this is how being a goddess feels like.

You smiled to yourself.

It’s not that bad.

You brushed your hair (which, understandably, took you more time than you were used) and finished your personal care session without taking your eyes off the mirror. You were a bit ashamed for being so vain, but after all the agonizing hours you had to endure to reach those looks, you couldn’t deny yourself such contentment.

You left the bathroom and searched for your robe. You found it on the same chair Hades left his own the night before. You dressed it and looked around, still finding his absence strange. It was when a soft, rhythmic sound reached your ears – his voice, brought by the breeze entering through the balcony, came to you in the form of a song, but you couldn’t recognize the words at first; you frowned and listened for a while, until you realized he was singing in Ancient Greek.

You smiled. You’ve already heard him sing before, but it was never that sweet. From what you’ve learned during his lessons, you were able to understand some verses, which, in the modern language, was something like this:

Under the red skies

Of the first day of Winter

I saw you

Your tiny feet running upon the ruins

Of the Temple of Love

Where after your touch

White flowers would grow

Would you mind

If I took you away with me?

Would you mind

If I hid you away?

As we built our secret place

Out of your flowers

And out of my song...

You followed his voice to the outside and found him sitting on the small table at the balcony, having a filled cup in front of him. He seemed relaxed, in peace with himself like you’ve never seen him before, especially when you remembered the events of the previous night, with his legs crossed and his eyes lost in the landscape.

You sighed at the scene.

Like a King who has his domains assured.

Change came when you took the first step toward him: the ecstatic glow in his eyes appeared and expanded as he turned to you, swallowing your whole form; he raised an unconscious hand and you accepted it, letting him take you to his lap.

You touched his cheek.

– Hi.

– Hi – Hades took your hand on his and led it to his lips – Young goddess.

A heat came up to your face when you heard that treatment. As much as it was flattering, you couldn’t shake the sensation that you were meeting him as if you were a different person now, and it still too soon to know if you enjoyed it. But you wouldn’t ruin the moment with sad deliberations, so you quickly redirected the conversation through sweeter paths.

– Were you singing about a young goddess as well?

– Yes – he curled a strand of your hair between his fingers – One that would touch the ruins of a dark world with her pretty feet, with the sweetness of a damsel and the courage of a warrior.

– And does she reach her fate with such sweetness and courage?

– Her fate, and much more – he approached and kissed your forehead.

You giggled and turned to the table, taking an empty cup and filling it with the same liquid as his cup, which consistence reminded you of milk, but with the color of caramel.

– What song was that? – you put the recipient of the caramel back on the table and grabbed your little cup – You never sang it before.

– It’s a love song in Ancient Greek. The author is unknown, but it was popular among travelers – Hades explained – It’s much longer than this, but this is my favorite part.

– We should learn the complete lyrics, then – you turned to him with tenderness – Then we will sing the whole song together.

– And we can do that during our travels.

– An excellent idea.

The rest of the breakfast went in silence, but after it you two went to the garden at the upper floor. You were were able to walk through it and that made you happy, still Hades didn’t let go of your arm until you decided to sit on a bench. There were some small trees around it, and you saw butterflies and birds sharing their branches peacefully; a couple of birds arrived, persecuting each other, then leaving as fast as they came, their wings making a rustling noise between the leaves, their little voices at their peak. You laughed at this, which reminded Hades of something.

– So how are your ears going? – he brushed your hair behind the left one – You’ve been complaining about the nature noises.

– They’re getting better. I mean, I don’t think I’d stand a lion’s roar right now, but the birds are completely bearable – you smiled.

– That’s good to hear.

You took some time to silently appreciate your surroundings as they displayed what would be a pleasing Spring morning in Midgard. You thought of this for a moment: the plants, the creatures and that whole environment were those of from Midgard, just everything you saw along your stay in the areas reserved to humans in those blessed lands – and all of them were designed by your husband. You felt your respect and admiration for him grow the same way it did when you took your first walk in the Gardens, when you ate pomegranates.

– You thought of all of this before we got married – you said suddenly; and, turning to him, – You thought of everything.

Hades replied with the same modest smile he gave you when you asked if he was there during the planting of the pomegranate tree.

– I wouldn’t say that. I’d say I’ve work with every necessary resource and with the best people I could find, so everything you’ve seen around would have the power of bringing smiles to the young humans’ faces – he raised his fingers to brush your hair – And, as a payment for all this work, yours will be forever on my sight.

Your smile widened at those words before you could notice. You were really content that, more than wishing to see your smile often, he was also creating reasons for you to show it: not so long after that conversation, he took you to take a walk through the depths of the garden, where exotic plants were hidden, and you spent the next hour talking about them and planning how to include your creations at the Greenhouse in the collection.

When you finally went back to the chambers’ interior, you decided you wanted to spend some time in bed, for your legs were a bit heavy. Meanwhile, Hades went to the kitchen to prepare tea. When he came back, you brought out a subject that has been on your mind for days: the travel to Hellheim.

– I’ve been worried about this for a while, but haven’t had the chance to speak until now – you said while accepting a cup of tea from his hands – Is it too long? Is it a difficult path, or an easy one? How does it look like?

He sat by your side with his own tea.

– It’s certainly a long way, especially for the ones who aren’t used to it – and, smiling at your widened eyes, – But I’m not saying this to discourage you, given that the travels between this realm and that one are far from tedious.

You turned on your side to hear more. Now you were completely interested.

– Really? And what kind of things we find through it?

Your husband started describing those strange lands as if narrating an epic story, going from dark skies, menacing rocks, abysses and terrifying natural phenomenons to powerful creatures, brave, minor deities occupied with their work and suspicious wanderers. You learned to love his ability of explaining concepts and depicting scenarios in a way that the images formed in your mind as vivid as if you were inside them; in that particular case, you also appreciated his power of calming your fears, assuring you that the travel was safe despite the things you were going to find.

After the tea, you told him you were sleepy, even though you’ve slept the entire night.

– I’m sorry for this, because I wanted to spend this day out with you – you told him, giving him back the cup – But I’m too tired, though I did nothing that justifies this tiredness.

– This isn’t but expected, little one – he replied before taking the cups to the kitchen – The transformation isn’t complete yet, and it takes an enormous amount of vital energy. You’ll still need some time to regain it, and an even longer period to manage it when your powers start manifesting.

– I see – you slowly laid down on your pillow, feeling both the sleep and the weight of your future responsibilities pulling you to it.

As if sensing your anxiety, Hades offered you some solace.

– But for now you don’t have to think too much about these things – he walked to the kitchen’s door – Th time to take care of them is yet to come.

You accepted those words and closed your eyes, letting the sleep take over your body, which didn’t take long that time.

***

You thought you were going to feel better the next day, and you weren’t entirely wrong in your expectations, but you in fact needed at least three or four days to feel able to walk, stand and do any other activity without a subsequent fatigue, neither the need of sleeping in the middle of the day. During that period, you were visited by Aesclepius twice, and he was content with your progress, something that made both you and Hades relieved: now, as he explained, your body’s tendency would be gathering energy instead of spending it, so that soon you would be as physically and mentally capable as any other god, and the travel to Hellheim wouldn’t be a problem.

On the other hand, Hades, having diligence as his second name, didn’t stay idle: while you recovered, he divided his time in taking care of you, solving small matters with his brother Zeus, checking on your family through Hermes, talking to Aesclepius about your condition and organizing your travel to the Underworld; he exchanged messages with Adamas at least once in a day, to make sure everything was alright in his domains. You, on your part, spent your time alternating between resting and being worried, despite his advice: at the same time you wanted to tell him to take some rest – after all, it was his honeymoon – you couldn’t do much to help him in this sense, neither in any other.

I’ve been increasing his burden since the beginning. He will deny it if I speak to him about it, but I know I’m not helping in anything; even my preoccupation might become an issue. I can’t wait for this to end.

That was why you received the first sign of a complete recovery with great contentment. You noticed it right after you left the bed that day and, taking a chance when your husband wasn’t in the chambers, you went to the arc where you kept your gifts from the ceremony. You’ve searched inside it with nervous hands and took a small bottle from it.

Your cheeks heated up at the sight of the object, its delicate shape involving a rosy potion which perfume was described as having “its own soul, so once it is used, it will always be recognizable by the ones who first sensed it”.

The gift of Aphrodite-sama. I’ve been so curious about its effects, but her explanations were so mysterious, and I was too ashamed to ask enough questions.

You still remembered how she took the chance to approach you while Hades wasn’t around. She passed by your side and stopped before you with such grace, yet so suddenly that you couldn’t help startling.

She giggled, enjoying your reaction.

– You were already a beauty, dear Y/n, but now – the goddess brushed your hair and cupped your face with tenderness – Now you’re the perfect being…

Aphrodite spent a moment in silence, just appreciating what she had in front of her. Then, as suddenly as her arrival, she moved her hands away and took a small object from inside her dress: a bottle that reminded you of the ones in which people sold expensive fragrances in Midgard, filled with some glistening fluid.

She put it in your hands and warned you to not let your husband see it before you had the opportunity to use it.

– Just one drop or two in the sheets, right before you lie down, must be enough – and, surrounding her mouth with her hands, as to whisper a secret – But it wouldn’t be bad if you used a few more.

You stared at the bottle, barely reaching the size of your palm, thinking of those words.

– Aphrodite-sama, I’m very thankful for your gift – you raised your eyes to her – But I’m a bit confused about it. Is it some sort of remedy, or blessing?

She observed you with a mixture of condescension and diversion.

– Most of the times, if used wisely, it will be a blessing, but in other times it will be a powerful remedy – she blinked her right eye.

It was when finally started to understand.

– Oh, this is a love potion, my Lady – you smiled, then frowned – But Hades and I… We’re already in love with each other…

The Goddess of Love laughed.

– I know, my dear. But the purpose of this potion is not making you fall in love… – and lowering her tone – But falling harder.

She approached you one last time and, with a kiss on your forehead, she left you with the potion and a lot of things to think about.

And now you were there, alone with her gift for the second time, and wondering if that was the moment to use it.

I’m torn between the fear of the effects and the curiosity about them.

After minutes of painful deliberation, you decided to open it and smell its perfume… which filled both your nostrils and your soul, drowning you in a wave of powerful sensations: your feelings, thoughts and memories about Hades were all stirred and turned into one, expanding until you had the urge to pour it out; your eyes were filled with tears, and your breath became difficult as your chest would go up and down in ache as you craved his presence. Even as a young goddess, you could tell that the substance held a terrific power.

Now I understand why she told me to use just a few drops.

You adjusted the sheets upon the bed and knelt over them, stretching for the potion to be poured in the center. You slowly turned the bottle to the side, in your best efforts to control your trembling hand, and observed as the first drop fell on the fabric, disappearing so fast that it was hard to tell it has ever been there. More drops followed it in other spots and over the pillows…

When the sudden crack of the room’s door opening made you scream and drop the bottle on the bed, turning the next drops into a whole puddle.

You sat on the sheets, hiding the bottle behind you as you had a confused Hades standing at the door, staring at you without understanding why his arrival got you so scared.

– Is there something wrong, little one? You look a bit nervous.

You were quick to deny it.

– No… No, of course not! I’m perfectly fine! – you shook your hands around yourself as to reaffirm what you were saying – It’s just the noise of these hinges! I can’t get used to it…

With your face on fire, you fell silent after that, praying that your husband would just accept the explanation and change the subject… but, unfortunately, your pairs weren’t willing to grant you this small wish: Hades closed the door behind him and approached the bed, suspicion filling each of his gestures. At the same time, the perfume made its presence stronger than never as the bottle’s whole content leaked to the sheets on your back, turning any attempt of keeping it a secret unnecessary.

– Y/n, what is it? – he looked around the bed – Are you spreading perfume on the sheets?

You shrugged.

– Ah… Sort of.

– What kind of perfume? – he raised an eyebrow – This one seems to possess some sort of spell. Is it one of your wedding gifts?

You shook your head in a positive gesture and slowly brought the bottle to your front, giving it to him with a shy hand.

Once his eyes laid on the object, Hades turned to you with a strange expression, one that you haven’t seen before, and about which you weren’t sure how to feel; your fingers gripped on the sheets: that was the first time you didn’t know what to expect from him.

But you didn’t need to wait too long to figure that out.

You observed as he held the bottle with an attentive gaze, a smile started forming on his lips: he already recognized the nature of the potion. However, it wasn’t shyness or shame that took over your feelings with the understanding: around him and around yourself, you sensed a quiet, yet steady change that grew as the smell spread through the room; you had the sensation that your sight turned a bit blurry, except for your husband’s figure, and that everything was somewhat covered with a rosy light that reminded you of the liquid’s shade. Maybe Hades was under the same impression, for he stood still, staring at you with a glimmer of hunger in his eyes that scared and interested you at the same time. The temperature seemed to elevate in the surroundings even though the balcony’s door was wide open, so you started taking off your robe and moving your hair away from you neck.

The first words said between you after this were his.

– So… Our friend Aphrodite has her own gift for us – he made this observation with a vague, low voice – So clever of her to handle it to you while I was away…

Without taking his eyes off you, he dropped the bottle on the carpet. You didn’t know if it was anger or diversion you sensed in his tone, so you rushed to justify yourself.

– I really wanted to tell you about it, but I couldn’t disobey her instructions – your voice sounded lower than you remembered it, but you kept going – It’s just that, now that I’m recovered… I wanted to do something special… – the air swirled and heated up around you; the left strap of your gown slipped to the side, but you didn’t mind adjusting it – I wanted to have a proper honeymoon…

And that was the instant that changed everything.

Once those words escaped your lips, the blurry wave of sensations poured out of you at last, reaching for your lover and tangling with his own feelings, pulling him ahead, straight to you: without wasting time, Hades got rid of his coat and shoes, throwing himself over the bed as if afraid that you would disappear if he lingered in his place. You were a bit scared by this new impulsivity, but you wouldn’t push him away: the heat that has been increasing since you first smelled the potion, pulsating all over your body, only calmed own when your husband wrapped his arms around you, pulling you to his lap, your legs spreading and burying in the sheets on each side, his mouth reaching for yours as you helped him take off his blouse with your little hands.

You moved away for a moment to see the results of your work, and the vision left you marveled: yes, you’ve already seen him undressed once, when he stood with you during the worst point of your fever, but you barely gave his figure the attention it deserved; now, with your strength restored and your sight in perfect conditions, you wouldn’t make the same mistake: from his face, your hands slipped over his skin, across his neck and over his chest, your thumbs drawing circles around his nipples; you smiled when a sigh left his lips. You noticed the vine he had tattooed on his left arm, the same pattern of the one on his forehead.

He is perfect.

– You’re so beautiful… – you murmured to him, your fingers brushing over the tattoo – I’m so sorry for making you wait... I promise I’ll make up for it…

You felt his hands going to your hips and tightening around them, bringing you closer. Your gown slipped, exposing your thighs as your knees were buried on the soft mattress.

– I’ll make sure you will – his lips brushed and smiled over yours – But for you, the wait is always worthy…

You felt his hands caressing your thighs, slipping under your gown and pulling it up. Your heart skipped a bit: that was going to be the first time you’d expose yourself for your husband, so that everything had to be in place: you were now a goddess with a well-built, flawless body, but were you feeling that beautiful now? Were you good enough to appear before him with only your skin to cover you?

Heavens, I’ve been waiting for this for so long, but who would say it’d be so scary?

Still, you didn’t stop him, and when the gown was finally taken off, every inch of yourself under his sight, you remembered the conversation you had weeks ago, in that balcony beside the room, and the confidence in it soothed your nervousness, as much as his hands exploring your figure: his right thumb caressed your lower lip, going down to your chin and your neck, where you noticed his hand was able to surround most of it; both his hands went through your shoulders, your collarbones and, finally, your breasts, where he his thumbs caressed you the same way you did to him. A loud moan escaped your mouth before you could stop yourself, and you put your hand over it, your cheeks burning with shame: apparently, erasing one’s shyness wasn’t among the properties of Aphrodite’s potion; Hades laughed, enjoying your spontaneity, and moved your hand away from your lips, putting it around is neck.

– So shy, aren’t we? – and, letting it clear that he had the same conversation in mind as well, – Let’s take care of this together…

He then suffocated any word or moan that might’ve come out from your mouth with a deep kiss, pulling you tighter against himself as your hands tangled in his hair.

Outtake

Part XXIII

[relentlessly-tired]

how do I stop myself from eating? I hate looking like a pig but I always end up eating. I've tried gum but I always run out whenever I need it. any advice? thanks

Honestly my biggest piece of advice is DON'T stop eating. Literally, NEVER start dping fasts/OMAD. Obviously everyone is different and if it works for you yay, but for me personally fasting and OMAD has messed me up. Always led to more binges and uncontrollable eating bc if just make myself wait till i was sooo fucking hungry. And also I got used to eating rlly large volumes of food which even tho it was veg and stuff probably stretched my stomach out so the times I did binge it was way worse and also just in general took ages to start feeling full w small portions again. So yeah, anyway here are my biggest tips:

1- don't fast.

2- take it slow. Your body takes a little while to adjust to being in a deficit, so only slowly up your deficit every few days.

3- don't restrict too low. I've found much better results by eating 1k-1.3k cals and then being very active and burning 2k-2.5k cals a day. So a deficit of 1k or more. Rather than eating 500cals a day and only burning 1.5k cals (I'm short af might be different for u) and still being in a deficit of 1k. It's way more sustainable, haven't binged in a while, and mentally more clear most of the time.

4- protein and fibre. Yogurt. Fruit. Eggs. Cottage cheese. Chicken. Meat. vegetables. Eat those types of food and you'll feel way fuller for longer. I hardly get the urge to snack for hours after eating a meal now.

5- snack on low cal foods. Fruit. Carrots (my personal fav). Ham slices. My snacks is where ill let myself have a biscuit or piece of chocolate (roughly 150 cals worth). It stops the cravings.

6- don't completely cut out sugar, but limit it. This works for me. I don't eat sweeteners or sugar ever unless it is given to me, then I always accept and just budget it into my daily cals. Never drink anything other than coffee, water, tea. Your body gets used to not having sm sugar and it gets sm easier.

7- dont be afraid to eat at maintenance. Every few days after being in a large deficit, I always have a maintenance day and then the next day is lower than maintenance but still not as low as I usually go.

8- get away from the kitchen. Stop thinking ab food. Get hobbies. (The hardest thing for me tbh)

9- running completely curbs my appetite.

[isa-loves-you]

The Confession | The Group Chat | Pt.2

Yumi- while staying at the group house Isaac kept leaving you alone with yumi or kept trying to push you and yumi together; You're glad that your friend wants to help you with your boy trouble, but you hated that poor yumi was being pulled into it. It was a hot ass day when Nick and Isaac came up with a plan to get you and Yumi alone together. Isaac was planning on telling your secret to Nick, but it turns out that Yumi told Nick that he had liked you so now the both of them were planning on getting you guys alone. The plan was to drive you and yumi to the middle of a park and to not let you guys go home or call an uber until you guys confess, kinda messed up but it was the only way to get you and blakes stubbornness to get out of the way. Nick had convinced you and blake to go with food with him while isaac just tagged along, it didn't take long for yumi to realize that they weren't going in the direction of taco bell “Nick where the fuck are we going?” “don't worry about it yumi just sit back and relax” that didn't make yumi relax. The rest of the ride yumi and isaac argued on where they were taking us while you just sat there not really worried about it because isaac would probably leave you with a pack of hungry wolves in the middle of buttfuck nowhere, but nick wouldn't. “Get out of the car yumi, you too y/n” “what no'' yumi protested “just get out of the car for 5 minutes and I'll buy you all the fat shit you want” you didn't hesitate to get out of the car you were starving the boy did not keep anything in the house to eat. After 10 more minutes of fighting yumi finally got out of the car and stood by you isaac then called your phone and made you put him on speaker “now that you guys are alone, y/n i want you to tell yumi what you think about him” yumi looked at you like a deer in headlights while you just tried to hang up on isaac. “Look whatever he said don't worry about it let's just act like we're besties so we can eat'' you tried to pretend like Isaac did not reveal your secret a little, Yumi just stood there kicking rocks with his hands in his pockets trying to come up with something to say. “You know what you're not an idiot you probably got what isaac was trying to say, Blake, I like you. I've liked you since I've started to edit for Isaac. I think you're the funniest and down to earth person I've ever met. I know you just met me, but I like you so yeah” you tried to look as if what you said was nothing but was actually the hardest thing you've said in your life. “Cool let's just pretend this didn't happen and go eat” you tuned to walk towards the car when yumi stepped in front of you “so i don't know but do you want to start dating or something because i like you too” you just stared at this chaotic man trying to figure out how the hell does he like you. “Yeah i would like that” you shrugged your shoulders like what he said wasn't the best news in the world, yumi nodded and turned to walk back to the car where he opened the door for you to get in. you guys didn't talk  for the rest of the ride to make isaac and nick think that their plan didn't work but you could kiss them for pushing you and yumi to do that.

Larry-you and Larry texted back and forth about arranging a photo shoot for the group to promote gamer Supps. In the mix of texting, you and Larry might have flirted a little but nothing too serious mostly joking but you couldn't help but like him more from it. The day you took the guys picture to promote their discount (USE CODE GROUP FOR 10% OFF) most of the time you and Larry were seen together, even the other joked about Larry being your boyfriend and making kissing noises at you two while talking. Once you were done you did not waste much time aching so the boys could go back to their busy life, on the way to your car Larry had stopped you so he could help you carry your lights to your car. “Thank you, Larry, but I didn't need much help” you said while giving him a smile “oh it's no problem i wanted to come out here and ask you something anyways” “oh really what's up?”. It took Larry a couple of minutes to finally spit out what he was going to ask you “well y/n i was wondering if you wanted to go out sometimes like a date maybe?” you couldn't believe that he was asking you this “ i get it if you don't want to but i just wanted to ask since i like you” hallelujah you hit the jackpot. “YEAH! I mean yeah that would be awesome. I would love to Larry '' you couldn't be more over the moon excited “okay great! Well, I'm glad you said yes "Larry said more relaxed now that you said yes. You and Larry stood there just smiling at each other “so i guess just text me about that date or whenever for that matter "you said breaking the silence so you can go home and scream like a teenage girl who got asked out to prom “I totally will. Well, i'll see you later drive safe”. You waved off to Larry while driving off, you could see Larry punching the air for finally asking you out, but I couldn't blame him because you blasted feel good love songs on the way home while thinking about larry.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ word count: 1018 

[roomwithanopenfire]

fic writer ask game: 1, 2 (and why), 4 (if you have any, otherwise you can just tell me who your favourite character is), 5, 9 (and why), and 15! :D

Thanks for the ask!!

1. What is your favorite line in the last fic you wrote? Okay this was really hard because all of the lines feel so tied up in their scenes but I really like this line from Chapter 2 of Proof of Life

“Of course, all magic resides inside you, but this is much more raw. More dense. Before humans ever had enough words to create spells, they could still use magic like this.” The fire on her palm blazed brighter. “There have always been fire mages.”

2. What fic was the hardest to write? Probably a tie between not hard enough (but it isn't easy) and Proof of Life for completely different reasons. Not Hard Enough was difficult because it was definitely an emotional fic to write and I had to tap into experiences I've had and try to translate them into something readable. Proof of Life is difficult for the sole reason in that it's the most ambitious fic I've tried so far. I only have six fics (5 for Snowbaz) in total and each one feels more like an undertaking than the last.

4. Who is your favorite OC character? Besides Simon and Baz, it's Fiona Pitch. I'm in love with Fiona.

5. What's a ship you like but haven't written yet? I really like Agatha/Niamh and I have a few ideas bouncing around here that one day will be written. Also like Fiona/Ebb has been in my mind too lately idk

9. What is your favorite part of your most popular fic? My most popular fic is Do As You're Told and really I'm just so proud of that whole thing, it was the first multi-chapter I'd ever written and I had so much fun. My absolute favorite part is the love confession/first kiss scene at the very very end.

15. What's your favorite fic of all time? What an impossible question. Uhhh, let me check my bookmarks. The problem is I started reading Snowbaz before I had an ao3 account and then I didn't start using bookmarks right away so many of the fics I've loved are lost to the corners of my foggy memory. I love Woundrous and Mystical by philaetos though, so I can share that one. But there's so many fics that I love take a look at my public bookmarks I'm sorry most of them are stranger things fics it took me a while to discover bookmarks.

from this ask game

[forevergazingatstars]

Today I did something I thought I would never do

I beat The Last of Us Part 2 on grounded mode.

I started playing this game in 2022, about 5 months after I had beaten the first game. Both of these games have always been very close to my heart even before I had the chance to play them.

While I know part 2 is not nearly as beloved in the community as part 1 and, in my honest opinion, I definitely prefer the story of part 1 to part 2. However, ever since I beat part 2 for the first time, I've found myself drawn to it time and time again. I've played through this game on at least 5 separate occasions and spent over 100 hours in it. To put it bluntly, this game feels so good to play.

Maybe going agaist the intentions of the game makers, but shooting people has never felt as good as it feels here. People usually say they hate shooting on controller, but Naughty Dog did a phenomenal job at making the gun play actually feel responsive and good. Like as much as the story makes me want to rip my hair out, there's nothing quite as satisfying as getting to blow peoples heads off afterwards.

Now to get to the point, you might be asking "why'd you say you thought you'd never beat grounded?" to put it in simple terms, I am a level A coward :D just the idea of having to go through this 20 hour game without listening mode terrified me. I do not like dying nor getting spooked by an enemy popping out of nowhere. Also I was convinced that if I ever did make it all the way to the rat king that that would be it and I would be stuck there forever.

Well, what ended up happening was that in April of this year I beat the game on permadeath, which meant I had every single other achievement in the game and I thought "FUCK IT I'M GIVING GROUNDED A TRY" and then I failed miserably.... I ended up not even making it to Abby's section, I got stuck in the mall fight on Ellie day 3 and I just got so incredibly frustrated that I quit.

However, then a couple months passed, and I did have one trick up my sleeve. My first attempt of grounded had been on the normal version, not grounded+. I had wanted to not beat the game on grounded+ just to prove to myself that I could do it without the extra help, but sometimes you have to admit that you need help so again I tried with all my great guns and upgrades.

I will say, my thing about being afraid of not having listening mode proved to not be that much of an issue. The main emotion I felt while playing was not fear, but pure frustration and rage. God this game is so ANNOYING. Like you'd think the gap between survivor and grounded wouldn't be that bad, but it felt like night and day. I kept getting stuck and dying and my main strategy just ended up being to run for my life :D I know grounded isnt even near the hardest gaming challenges and maybe it was just a skill issue but man did I spend hours in some fights not making any progress at all.

Now you might be thinking, what about the rat king? I am happy to say that I BEAT THAT FUCKER FIRST TRY. I wish so badly that I had gotten it on video, because I have never been that locked in during my entire life. It felt like I had become Abby in that moment and I was channeling all my rage into killing that thing. Actually, I struggled wayyyyy more with Ellies bloater fight than the rat king, which was very surprising considering it's the other way around usually.

When I had beaten Abby in the final fight and I was watching the last few cutscenes, I got a bit emotional and teary eyed, which honestly surprised me a lot considering how many times I've played this game. Even during my first playthrough I only cried during the beginning when Ellie was going through Joels home. Maybe I was just happy the suffering would finally be over? I mean I do relate to Ellie on the level that I've also lost my father. Maybe my emotions were heightened because of the struggle and the 6 month journey it took me to get here.

To end this extremely long post I'd just like to say that if you ever think you can't do something, just try it anyway. Even if you end up failing, it's important to challenge yourself and besides, you can always try again. I know beating a video game isnt the coolest thing in the world but I am so proud of myself for not giving up.

[wandaaaaa]

5 fvkin years

it took me a long time to realize what made mo who i am today, and i didnt know that it was that drastic until people who knows me, told me all about it experienced it first hand.

its been months since we separated our ways. it was beautiful, but at the same time chaotic. it was memorable but so painful. i neglected myself for a long time for us to continue what we have, i mustered all the courage to give myself freedom from that shallow waters. I've been tredging and only found myself bruised. ive fought a little harder each day.

Might not be perfect, but I really tried my hardest to treat you better than anyone else ever has. 'Cause at that time i really hoped that it would be you and me until the end, but I guess not. I hate to admit it, but I was glad that I've learned to walk away, I've learned to set my boundaries, I've learned that it's not right to please you all the damn time, I've learned that just because you love them you allow them to disrespect you, hurt you and accept all the hurtful words you've said to each other.

I've reached a point where I no longer had anything left to say, and just let things be, I no longer feel the need to explain myself just to prove things to you just like what I've been doing for most part of the relationship. That's when I realised I was done, drained, and deeply depressed. I don't regret anything, it's just that I should've known better and I'm glad I finally choose myself.

[duskwoodgirl4life]

Chapter 7

Phil's POV

The court case lingers over my head like a rain cloud. Everything has come crashing down around me. It's time I face what is coming. I have tried reaching out to MC but my attempts have failed. I have now become a father Hannah had been to see me with the baby.

We decided to call her Izzy. She's such a beautiful little girl, I guess if one good thing comes out of all this it's my daughter. I don't want her to end up like her dad and her mother.

I have tried to love Hannah but she is no MC I know I have fucked up and have lost MC for ever. I am currently sharing a cell with a guy who's up for fraud. We have been getting along okay which I am thankful for the nights are the longest. Lay on my bunk, my mind going into overdrive if I want to get out of here then I need to find a good solicitor.

I need the best money I can buy but to do that I need to have the money which I don't have. The only way I am able to do that is by selling the bar. Can I even do that? Will the law allow me to sell the bar so I can pay for legal fees? This is something I need to know. I do know a good solicitor. He has won so many fraud cases I know he can get me off the charges I will worry about the money later.

Phil's court day was fast approaching; he had hired a fancy solicitor he was so sure that he was going to get Phil off the charges. Phil had one more meeting with his solicitor to go over everything they had discussed.

Mr Devon: Now Phil this is what we need to get right, it was never your intention to commit fraud and you will replay every single penny. Also you will agree to never own your own business.

Phil: Do you really think this is going to work? I can't go to jail, you know what they do to pretty guys like me.

Mr Devon: look Phil I promise we have a good case I will get you off these charges.

The next few days were harder than ever. The day had finally arrived. Phil had been given his suit to change into. Phil was handcuffed to a prison officer and was escorted to the prison van. The ride to the court seemed to take a lifetime once they arrived. Phil was taken out of the van and onto the court.

The court case was now beginning when Phil was brought into the courtroom he didn't expect to see MC and Jake sat up in the gallery. Phil sat down as the trail started Hannah took the stand to defend her man telling everyone now much she loves him and how his daughter misses her daddy.

The case went on for two weeks. Last to take the stand was Phil, his solicitor was first to question Phil over what had happened he made Phil out to be some kind of saint. Next came the cross examination they completely tore apart what Phil's solicitor had said.

After hours of being on the stand the jury was out, they spent a couple of days going over all of the evidence finally on the 3rd day the jury came back and found Phil guilty of tax fraud the judge sentenced Phil to 5 years in prison with no chance of parole.

Phil looked up in complete shock; he was so sure that he was going to be let off the charges. MC and Jake looked on as Phil was sent down Hannah was screaming and crying that he had been found guilty.

Jake: Are you okay MC?

MC: I've never felt better he's now out of my life for good it's just you and me now

Jake: that's perfect for me

Jake smiled and leaned in to give MC a kiss before taking her hand leading her out of the courtroom.

Phil was placed in the courtroom cell as his solicitor wanted to speak with him, as he walked into Phil's cell it was clear by Phil's facial expression he was not happy.

Phil: I thought you said I would get off the charges?? You said you had won loads of these kinds of cases, what the hell!!!

Mr Devon: Phil, I can only apologise I promise I will work my hardest to get your sentence rejuiced

Phil: don't bother, I'm noy paying you another penny now leave

Phil's solicitor left the cell and went about his business, he still had to sort out the sale of the bar. From the sale it would pay towards his tax fraud bill and solicitor whatever was left at the end would go to Izzy to help with her.

[terapsina]

💘🕯️💌

💘Is there any posted fic you want to rework/re-edit/re-write?

Absolutely everything that's older than 2 or 3 years?

But more seriously, IDK maybe 2 Times a Story Trope Slipped Through Emma's Fingers (+1 Time Regina Made Sure It Didn't). I think it was my first attempt at 5+1 things fic but I kinda lost steam midway through so it became 2+1 things. I've always kinda regretted not adding more shenanigans.

I guess I would like to remake this fic and add 3 more tropes (and fix the ending, I've never been particularly happy with the ending).

Most of my other regrets deal with the perpetuity of my WIPs.

🕯️was there a fic that was really hard on you to write, or took you to a place you didn't think it would take you?

This might be predictable but that's definitely She's Come Undone and Set Free.

It's been hard to write a on multiple fronts. First of all of course is the subject matter itself, shining the light on Elena and Caroline's trauma and trying to get the story to a place where they might start to heal was hard. And it hurt.

On the practical front it's also the hardest thing I've been writing because it's also the longest thing I've ever written.

And while writing it I was constantly surprised by where it lead me. Every time I sat down to write I knew stuff like "here Elena and Caroline have a heart to heart" or "here they're gonna tease Bonnie about Rebekah" but I never knew HOW those scenes would go or where the real meat of the scene would come in. And after I finished them I always had this feeling like... 'that scene would have gone an entirely different way if I had tried writing it last month'.

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

Okay. So I've still got no idea when I'll finish with it but I'm still really excited about doing the wrapup epilogue bits of She's Come Undone and Set Free.

Especially, the stuff I have planned Bonnie and Rebekah. (it's not ready for viewing but let's just say that I HATED how dirty they did Bonnie with that whole 'secretly dead for months' thing. So I'm going to see how things might have gone different with an Original in Bonnie's corner).

Other than that. Here's a sneak peek into the beginning of the epilogue (please be aware that it might change before posting though. And hasn't currently been combed for grammar mistakes).

Elijah was putting away the freshly dry cleaned suit he'd changed out of before returning to New Orleans - his mind judiciously on anything other than the woman whose fingers had wrinkled the fabric as she grasped the collar at the back of his neck - when his brother found him.

"I heard a strange little rumor." Klaus’s voice was full of thinly veiled curiosity.

"Did you?" he asked carelessly, not quite paying attention. "How fascinating."

"Whatever did Damon Salvatore do to piss you off, Elijah?"

Elijah’s movements halted momentarily as the muscles in his back seemed to pull into stone. He'd known of course that it was simply a matter of time before Niklaus was informed of the bounty he had placed on the whereabouts of the older Salvatore brother. He had simply hoped it would have taken longer than a day.

He exhaled silently under his breath, the only sign of irritation Elijah was willing to telegraph before answering. "He harmed someone I care a great deal about."

"And who might that be?" Niklaus asked.

Elijah chose not to answer.

[lumosatnight]

15 questions | 15 people

Thanks for the tag ❤️ @mundrakan @crazybutgood @schmem14

1. Are you named after anyone? A saint. I won't tell you which one.

2. When was the last time you cried? Last week, I think. It was a stressful week.

3. Do you have kids? Nope

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Sometimes. Only with people I'm comfortable with.

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people? Their vibe. So I guess a combination of their style and how they interact with others. I can usually tell if we're going to get along before I even talk to them. But never say never. First impressions aren't everything. I've been surprised.

6. What’s your eye colour? Brown. That deep chocolate color that Edward Cullen probably likes.

7. Scary movies or happy ending? Not super into scary movies. I love a good thriller, but a jump-scare just because you can isn't my thing. I'm there for the plot, not the dismembered bodies.

8. Any special talents? I can sleep for 12 hours a day and still feel tired. Ayyyy.

9. Where were you born? China.

10. What are your hobbies? Ice skating, rock climbing (occasionally), traveling, eating, drinking bubble tea, practicing Chinese (rarely), I want to get into bookbinding

11. Do you have any pets? Nope.

12. What sports do you play/have you played? I was never a sports person, but I danced for most of my childhood. Ballet. Maybe I'll write a ballet AU one day.

13. How tall are you? 5'5' in the mornings.

14. Favourite subject at school? Math, then chemistry, then immunology. But damn, immunology was probably the hardest class I ever took. So many immunoglobulins.

15. Dream job? Ballerina, then astronaut, then scientist. Ballet hurt my feet. My stomach is not strong enough to go to space. Tried the third, and it wasn't for me. Who knows what's next? OnlyFans? Jk, jk... unless...

~

I think all my friends have already been tagged, so I'll leave the tag open. If you see this and want to answer, consider yourself tagged!

God, I've had the worst cold this past week, so I probably won't remember what I wrote tomorrow. Let's hope it's not anything too embarrassing.

[crystalelemental]

I am down to the final five Pokemon in Mystery Dungeon DX, and unfortunately, they are unquestionably the hardest five to acquire.

Easiest among them is Jirachi. Wish Cave is a pain, but being able to bring in your own items and a full team eases things quite a bit compared to other trials. Also there's a strategy I found on Reddit that feels super legitimate, and I'm dying to try it out.

Next is...probably Kecleon. Joyous Tower wasn't too bad with my Mew/Charizard combo, and now that we can switch off Seaking (it has Friendly) for a better skill (probably Small Stomach) on a better Pokemon (unclear who) we can likely make it up to 76. Otherwise we just have to steal from the shop. Which is scary, but I've done it before and I'll do it again. Apparently it caps at 5% now instead of 0.1% like it did in the old days. Bless that change.

Then we get into the nightmares.

Riolu and Lucario sound awful to experience because it's just random luck whether you find them in specific invitation houses. And my luck is atrocious. Trying to recruit three Eevee in Joyous Tower, with a Pokemon that had Friendly for a 15% boost, should've been over 30% odds. Around ten Eevee, no sweat. 21. It took 21. Lucario and Riolu are apparently an 18% chance at Mt Faraway's guaranteed Floor 30 house, which is the best you're ever going to see. I am not looking forward to seeing how many tries it takes me. Especially because I only have 13 invitations to my name.

And of course...Celebi. God I hate Purity Forest so much. At least my Heracross finally picked up Rapid Bulls-Eye, after over 200 Gummis, 50+ of which were DX. I told you, my luck is really bad.

I think my intended course is going to be Wish Cave first, then Celebi. Once I get those two, the other factors are just a bit of a grind. Stealing from Kecleon honestly feels easier than trying to do it the legit way in Joyous Tower, so I'll likely do that to the poor creature in one of the easy early dungeons like Mt Thunder, where I know it can show but nothing else will threaten me. Actually wait, Unown Relic. I don't know if Kecleon can even show there, but I should get all the Unown forms too. I have most of them just from completing quests. We'll end on Mt Faraway climbing. I am somehow looking forward to climbing that fucking mountain like 80 times less than dealing with Purity Forest.

[mynameisrainne]

January 2024 so far.

The first month of my year was... difficult. Difficult in a way that I did a lot of soul-searching and brainstorming, strategizing, and basically figuring out what I wanted to achieve for this year. Of course, it can't be all wants and no needs. I also tried to figure out, as much as I could, the things I needed to do to achieve all those wants. It wasn't easy.

1 – To start, career-wise. I still don't have the 100% clarity that I need, but I am getting there. Better when I started the year with really no idea. I am starting to have the specifics, and still working on the strategy part. Well, to be honest, the consistency part. I think that's the hardest I need to work on – the consistency of my actions.

2 – Speaking of consistency, there are other things I've been consistent about since the start of the year. I am now waking up as early as 6am, and I've been consistent with my skincare, and getting enough sleep. I've been really consistent with journaling, so that's good. It really helps me clear my mind and see things from another perspective. However, my workout routine has failed me miserably, only using the treadmill 6x this month. So I need to work on that. I really want to have a consistent workout routine. I am not aiming to have a very intensive workout. Just something that would keep me moving and sweaty to burn some calories. I know that a huge part of losing weight is the diet. Well, I have not been eating dinner for months now and recently started doing one meal a day. I have to say, I've been drinking sodas still if there's any in the house. And most of the time, there's none. So I think that's fine not to starve myself from things. But let's see for the next month how strong I could resist my sugar cravings.

3 – We watched #coldplayinmanila last Friday, January 19th, at Philippine Arena. This is something I did not expect! Hubby gifted me a concert ticket to see Coldplay play live!! I am still over the moon even after 2 days. HAHA. For one, this is my first ever international concert (lol our first was Moira Dela Torre's, then not to mention all the bands I saw for free during school and university days). I always say that I am not a concert-type of girl. But guuuurl, the energy is contagious!!!! I think, more than anything, you're paying for the experience, not so much to hear them sing, you know? But the crowd and the experience and everything that is happening all at once during a concert..... eargasmic! I am not even kidding.

Just watch this video I took during the concert: https://www.facebook.com/1405056486/videos/375099391773197/

After the concert, I am now looking forward to seeing other artists live!!!! Probably Maroon 5, Bruno Mars, Imagine Dragons, The Script, Dua Lipa, to name a few......? Too bad I cannot afford Taylor Swift yet. I think it's too much to travel somewhere else just to see her live. HAHA. Unless we're really up for a vacation. Maybe in the near future, we'll make it work.

I still have a looooong way of figuring things out. But I like to say that I am getting there.

[dumangelbaby]

Trigger warning for those who need it. I've been getting questions about my former Daddy, and why I don't date anymore. Sometimes I get really sad when I talk about him, and it's okay.

But this is why I don't date anymore. It's long and detailed so please don't read unless you're prepared. Yes, I do now realize how much I went through. No you don't need to treat me like glass because of this. I'm only posting this so that maybe you can understand...

I'm going to Supreme Court with my ex. Almost two years ago, he strangled and raped me while my kids were in our livingroom. We were separated. He'd told me we needed to talk because he accepted a date proposal from a girl at the suprise party I threw him but couldn't be there for, two days previous. I was with him for 5 years; he was a covert malignant narcissist. He was also my Daddy and my boyfriend. I went on the bed and asked what he wanted to talk about. Before I could even blink, he was on top of me, with his hand around my throat.

Normally I would have found this hot. But we were separated. I told him I was sleeping on the couch again. I didn't want to play house anymore. As well, I felt anger and hatred behind his hand. He had his full force and it was hurting the bones just below his hand. I tried to move them but I couldn't. I also couldn't breathe. And I didn't know when he would lift his hand.

"I guess the only way I'm going to get through to you is by fucking you"

I was about to pass out and he readjusted. He gave me orders and said what I'd get later would be worse than what I was about to. He asked if I understood. And in my last daze of grey I nodded as much as I could, before he finally let go. All I could think was, "Am I going to die?", "What if I die with the kids out there?", And "This feels wrong, is he really doing this? No, he couldn't be"

But he was. And I was so scared he's hurt me again I was too scared to say my safeword.

Read that again.

Raspberries.

I turned over and he somehow got his pants down and put my hand on him. He was the hardest I'd ever felt him

And I just cried into my pillow. He finished on my back and told me to get cleaned up to make dinner.

I slipped off the bed, tears streaming down my face. I made myself look at him, wondering if he knew what he did and why he did it.

Then he took the hair on the sides on my face, kissed my nose, and cocked his head... and smirked.

And that look will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Fast forward a couple months later, I unexpectedly meet my next Daddy. He took me by surprise and he was the most lovely human being to me.

We were like twins, outside of the bedroom. And he helped me complete some of my sex bucket list.

There were times were I would have a flashback, and I'd end up on the bathroom floor, bawling, unable to open my eyes to let Daddy see me. He'd gently pick me up and bring me to the bed and rock me. Sing or talk to me, until I could open my eyes, and I stopped heaving.

I was so in love with this man. I loved him from the North to the South to the East to the West. I'd have done almost anything for him.

But I guess he got scared. Or he didn't think he could love me the way I needed. It was sudden, three days before court started. He said he wanted me just as close as friends but also cancelled coming over the day before court to give me a pep talk, acting weird. All he messaged me the day he was supposed to come over was "I know you'll kick his ass". His best friend checked in on me both days of court, when he didn't. I was up on the stand with my stuffie for 5 hours, answering questions that implied I was malicious and set him up with someone I didn't know, because I didn't want to leave.. They tried questioning me about things they weren't legally allowed to. And at the end of the day he asked for recess because he was just getting to the lengthy and rougher part of the questioning. Even the judge was pissed.

His mom tried to get me to drop the charges a year ago, and tried to bribe me without my knowledge by trying to buy my tires being changed.

And then I saw him, and he looked into my eyes...I broke up on that stand, and the security guard had to do breathing exercises with me to calm me down.

When I got home, I blocked and deleted my former Daddy on everything. It hurt too much. He showed up unannounced, could barely talk or look at me and asked for a hug. He could barely speak or look at me. I told him no and not to come back. Later that night I found food sent by him outside. My meds were making it so I couldn't eat and I had lost a lot of weight. I broke down and started crying. I wanted to die that night. I wrote him a letter saying goodbye and gave it to his best friend to give to him. He was with me to listen without judgement. I appreciated it more than he'll ever know.

But. It made me not believe in being in love anymore. I don't ever want to fall in love again. So please, if you message me, do so keeping this in mind. I'm still going to court. Please don't go getting it into your head that that's a challenge you need to attempt and my heart is a prize.

[cockroachmotherfucker10]

hi, idk if this is okay but here goes... this blog's really helped me a lot in recovery from AN. i've been doing well lately. since diagnosis, i've been on my own with this bc the mental health system in my country is broken. i guess my question is, do you have any tips for continuing recovery during grief? a really close friend has just passed and i can't get myself to stomach even a bite. i just don't know what to do, i'm lost. thanks in advance, it's okay if you don't reply to this, really.

Hey! I am so glad this blog could help you, it’s truly an honor! Also I live in America, my healthcare system also sucks ass. Recently had symptoms of kidney infection- couldn’t go to an in person doctor because the only place that took my insurance was closed in my city and they wouldn’t set me an appointment in person, though I tried to get one. Basically just had to tough it out- it sucked. Basically trying to validate you- having shitty healthcare is basically the worst.

As for grief, I am really sorry to hear that your friend passed away. It’s an absolutely horrible thing to go through, for every good memory you had with them you have to remember time and time again that they aren’t here anymore, and that’s a feeling that takes a really long time to become more okay with. Not that it’s the same thing, as everyone’s relationship with grief is different, but I lost a close grandmother on January 30th, 2020. I mourn her everyday, and it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through in my entire life. Still is. I miss her every day, and think about her all the time.

So some words on grief.

1. Cheesy, but it does get better with time.

I read an allegory for grief, and I have found it to be true. Grief is like a big ball inside of a tiny box (which represents you). Every time the ball touches the side of the box- it hurts really bad. You cry, you stare at the wall for hours, you lose your appetite, a lot of things. At first- your ball of grief is huge- and it’s constantly and randomly hitting the sides of the box. For me- the time around my grandmother’s death and funeral, I was completely out of commission. I couldn’t stop crying, and when I did I couldn’t focus on anything. I was completely incompacitated for weeks. But then- over time, the ball of grief gets smaller and smaller, and touches the side of the box less and less. Now, I can think about her without bursting into tears, I look back on my time with her with a sense of nostalgia rather than sharp pain most of the time. Now while my ball of grief is smaller- sometimes it still randomly touches the sides of my box, and I break down crying (hell- I am tearing up now lol). That’s okay. It’s all apart of the process. The grief never fully goes away- but it becomes less and less consuming. This does not mean you love your loved one any less, it just means your body gets better at metabolizing their absence so it hurts less. Also not you can’t force the ball to get smaller before it’s ready to (believe me- I tried). Just let it happen.

2. Express your emotions healthily

Want to know what not to do? Keep your emotions locked into your chest. Especially if you have an ED, it’s important to let yourself cry as hard and as often as you need to. What you don’t get out now will bite you in the ass later. It’s so, so painful. I have never cried so hard in my entire life than I did at my grandmother’s funeral, I couldn’t even get a word of apology out. It felt awful, and vulnerable, and it wasn’t pleasant at all. Crying is not fun, but it was necessary. Afterwards, I felt soooo much better. This is because crying chemically is like letting the extra air out of a balloon about to pop. There is no shame in it. Do it, and do it often. As often as you need, don’t hold it in. Let the pain come, and then when it is ready it will pass. Remember what you don’t process now you most certainly will be forced to process later in the form of chronic pain, worse depression, worse ED symptoms, and worse health. Let it out.

3. There is no wrong way to grieve

So I just spent all that time talking about crying- but it’s also possible that your grief will express itself in other ways, such as feeling numb, or even feeling fine. The key thing is to not judge how your body metabolizes this. Let it do what it needs to do, and do not judge it. To it body will do what it needs to do, fighting it is a pointless uphill battle. Accept it with self compassion, console yourself like a friend would. Tell yourself it’s okay to feel numb, or to cry, or to be okay, etc. let it happen.

4. Reach out for support

Be it from a friend, a family member, or a therapist (or best- all three!) if you feel like it would help you, reach out and talk about how you are feeling, or do something distracting. Mod Lia and I called the night I saw my grandmother for the last time, and we didn’t talk about it much at all. We watched She-ra. That helped a lot. Later I called another friend and talked about how I was feeling. Later I talked about it with Mod Lia, too. And of course my therapist- who helped me process it in a healthy way. On that note, especially with an Ed, if you can, get a therapist. Do it. Better than anybody they will be able to help you find the healthiest way to grieve, and help provide tips and accountability for preventing the worsening of an ED.

5. Tips on not drop kicking your ED behaviors further into hell

Having a schedule for eating (and other necessary activities) really helped me. At certain times, regardless of wether or not I was hungry, I forced myself to eat just because it was food time. Doing this prevents you from slipping into ED behaviors, especially when it is easy to do. Having a therapist or a willing friend to hold you accountable can also help. Express your emotions healthily. Talk to your loved one still, on walks or however. Talk about them in conversation. Do things that remind you of them. Make a memorial for them- whatever that means to you. Allow them to still occupy space in your life, if that feels right. If not, that’s fine. Taking care of yourself is hard, but if you don’t you are going to make it worse for yourself. It’s like puting an ankleweight in when you are already drowning. Take intentional steps (such as setting reminders and alarms) to ensure you take care of yourself, and even see if there are people who would do it with you. Like if you are having a hard time eating, see if a friend will have lunch with you every day at a certain time, or a couple different people (over the phone if need be). Plans, for me, really help me keep it together.

To sum it up, the biggest thing is to not fight the grieving process, set specific schedules for different aspects of self care (with alarms), reach out when you need help, and be patient because it takes time.

There is nothing I can say to make your loss feel better, but it is so hard to lose someone, and I’m sorry you have to go through that. Be patient, don’t expect a ton of productivity out of yourself, and just wait out these unpleasant storms. Thing are never going to feel the same ever again, but eventually you will get used to a new normal, and that doesn’t mean you are doing them an injustice. Keep remembering them, and be patient with yourself.

Best of wishes,

Mod Cass

[diamondsnpolaroids]

Kingston's birth story♡

On Thursday February 13th I had my last midwives appointment to which I asked for a membrane sweep. My midwife happily agreed and did it. For the rest of the day I felt regular contractions but unfortunately nothing came of it.

Friday February 14th, my due date. Still getting contractions but spread apart more and not as strong. I spent all day crying, begging my baby boy to hurry up. I felt as if my body was failing him. It wasnt trying hard enough, I wasnt doing enough, he was ready but I just couldnt. I couldnt sleep, everytime I tried I'd get up and start walking in hopes my body would finally start labouring properly.

Saturday February 15th, 12:15am I finally settled down enough to doze off after being awake since 6am. 12:32am I wake up to hear and feel a huge popping sound. I immediately sit up thinking something is terribly wrong. I actually get to my feet and that's when I felt it. Water gushing out of me. I had zero control. I waddle run to my bathroom, trying to avoid soaking my pants any more than they already were. I see nothing but clear fluid with tinges of red. That's when I realized it was indeed my water breaking. I couldnt get up for 2 minutes, my amniotic fluid was pouring out of me like you wouldnt believe. Finally I'm able to clean myself up, get on new pants and wake my mother to let her know. I told her to stay asleep since most women dont contract right away, thinking I still had time. By 12:50am I felt my first hard contraction. 12:53, another. 12:56, another. I call my sister to let her know to be ready to pick me up. I message King's father and grandmother, then attempt to wake my mother again. I call my midwife and was told to wait till my contractions were either unbearable or lasting 1 minute, 1 minute between contractions, for 1 hour. 1:34 I call my sister again and tell her to come over to help me labour since it was getting intense. Around the same time King's father comes over since I knew this was going to be a fast process. Contractions were getting closer and closer together, getting more unbearable with each passing one. I call my midwife again, my sister doing the talking for me, telling her we are on our way to the hospital.

2:20am we leave my place and head there. 2:36 we're parked and I'm inside trying to sign in. Having to stop and contract infront of a room full of strangers. I get my bracelet and sent upstairs. 3 more contractions ensue in the meantime. We get up to the birthing floor and head for triage. That's when things begin to get intense and blurry. I'm sat in a bed, in extreme pain, trying to answer questions and get blood taken. I'm noticing this is all happening really fast and we need to hurry. I'm checked and told I'm 4/5cm dilated. We get told to move to a birthing room. Finally arriving in the place my child would be born, I lay down and my body takes over. I get no more than 30 seconds between contractions for my body to calm down. I get checked again, I'm told I'm 7/8 cm dilated and everyone is shocked. Its happening and its happening soon. Theres no chance for me to receive any drugs or IVs. No contraction belt to track them or heart monitor belt to check on King. Within 2 minutes my contractions get so out of control I can feel my body pushing against my wishes. I tell the room this, apologize and scream all at once. I'm being told to try and stop but I physically couldnt. After another 5 minutes of this I'm checked one last time, but this time im told to push. Everyone is shocked. In 7 minutes I've dilated 3cm and ready to bring my baby into the world.

I'm told to move into position, breaking both the fathers hand and my sisters while I sit there pushing. My sister is instructed to hold my leg and push it against me, my mother is told to grab my hand and the midwife had my other leg up and ready. I'm screaming bloody murder and trying my hardest to push. I will never be able to compare this pain to anything else.

4:09am, I give a push and my little mans head is out. I'm told to give one last push, my sister looks at Kings head and by the time she moved her head to look at me, he was out and on my chest. My baby boy is finally born and screaming almost as loud as me. Kingston came out at 7lbs 0oz, 19 inches long.

Within a few minutes he was calm and looking all around. I finally come to and realize what just happened. Instant shock, not knowing what to think or say, I'm hugging my baby so tight against my chest with tears going down my face. I did it. I finally did it. 9 long hard months of growing this tiny human and I finally bring him into this world for everyone to see and love.

I spent 13 hours after his birth in the hospital till we were sent home. Multiple family members and friends stopping by to say hello and meet my little ham. Everyone is shocked and amazed I managed to have a baby within 3 1/2 hours of my water breaking, zero drugs, all natural. His skin colour being perfect from the moment he was put on my chest, next to no wrinkles, just all around perfect. He took to breastfeeding so easily, barely cried unless he was cold. My perfect little man.

It's been 13 days since he entered this world, dropping to 6lb 6oz after 3 days, up to 6lb 9oz by day 5, then 7lb 4oz by day 10. Kingston has been nothing but a dream. I am so incredibly blessed every single day with his presence. He makes me feel every emotion under the sun, but mainly proud and love. I dont remember what life was like before him and I couldnt imagine my future without him. Everything our mothers, aunts, grandparents and friends told us is true, you never know love until you see your baby for the first time. I never had expectations on how life would be with him finally here but even if I did, hed surpass them all. I have such an angel baby who has me feeling more blessed than ever before. He is my entire world and I'd go through all the pain and suffering again if I had to for him. The absolute love of my life. ♡

[duskwoodgirl4life]

Chapter 7

Phil's POV

The court case lingers over my head like a rain cloud. Everything has come crashing down around me. It's time I face what is coming. I have tried reaching out to MC but my attempts have failed. I have now become a father Hannah had been to see me with the baby.

We decided to call her Izzy. She's such a beautiful little girl, I guess if one good thing comes out of all this it's my daughter. I don't want her to end up like her dad and her mother.

I have tried to love Hannah but she is no MC I know I have fucked up and have lost MC for ever. I am currently sharing a cell with a guy who's up for fraud. We have been getting along okay which I am thankful for the nights are the longest. Lay on my bunk, my mind going into overdrive if I want to get out of here then I need to find a good solicitor.

I need the best money I can buy but to do that I need to have the money which I don't have. The only way I am able to do that is by selling the bar. Can I even do that? Will the law allow me to sell the bar so I can pay for legal fees? This is something I need to know. I do know a good solicitor. He has won so many fraud cases I know he can get me off the charges I will worry about the money later.

Phil's court day was fast approaching; he had hired a fancy solicitor he was so sure that he was going to get Phil off the charges. Phil had one more meeting with his solicitor to go over everything they had discussed.

Mr Devon: Now Phil this is what we need to get right, it was never your intention to commit fraud and you will replay every single penny. Also you will agree to never own your own business.

Phil: Do you really think this is going to work? I can't go to jail, you know what they do to pretty guys like me.

Mr Devon: look Phil I promise we have a good case I will get you off these charges.

The next few days were harder than ever. The day had finally arrived. Phil had been given his suit to change into. Phil was handcuffed to a prison officer and was escorted to the prison van. The ride to the court seemed to take a lifetime once they arrived. Phil was taken out of the van and onto the court.

The court case was now beginning when Phil was brought into the courtroom he didn't expect to see MC and Jake sat up in the gallery. Phil sat down as the trail started Hannah took the stand to defend her man telling everyone now much she loves him and how his daughter misses her daddy.

The case went on for two weeks. Last to take the stand was Phil, his solicitor was first to question Phil over what had happened he made Phil out to be some kind of saint. Next came the cross examination they completely tore apart what Phil's solicitor had said.

After hours of being on the stand the jury was out, they spent a couple of days going over all of the evidence finally on the 3rd day the jury came back and found Phil guilty of tax fraud the judge sentenced Phil to 5 years in prison with no chance of parole.

Phil looked up in complete shock; he was so sure that he was going to be let off the charges. MC and Jake looked on as Phil was sent down Hannah was screaming and crying that he had been found guilty.

Jake: Are you okay MC?

MC: I've never felt better he's now out of my life for good it's just you and me now

Jake: that's perfect for me

Jake smiled and leaned in to give MC a kiss before taking her hand leading her out of the courtroom.

Phil was placed in the courtroom cell as his solicitor wanted to speak with him, as he walked into Phil's cell it was clear by Phil's facial expression he was not happy.

Phil: I thought you said I would get off the charges?? You said you had won loads of these kinds of cases, what the hell!!!

Mr Devon: Phil, I can only apologise I promise I will work my hardest to get your sentence rejuiced

Phil: don't bother, I'm noy paying you another penny now leave

Phil's solicitor left the cell and went about his business, he still had to sort out the sale of the bar. From the sale it would pay towards his tax fraud bill and solicitor whatever was left at the end would go to Izzy to help with her.