#this is the funniest shit ive ever written

[intcritus]

"For someone who speaks so ill of my name, it sure visits your lips quite often," Hua Cheng would smirk as he'd slither up behind Muyang, the passing whispers having caught his attention in the city. How was he supposed to not take the bait? Keeping his distance, he'd peek over the other's shoulder; " ... did you know I was listening , or just a ... coincidence ? Heh... don't tell me you were hoping to get my attention by calling my name ? Oh, Muyang..."

what being in the universe did he anger enough to have hua cheng pop up like a wraith when he was in the middle of perusing the market ? it would have been oh so easy to ignore him. to act like the bastard didn't exist but mùyáng's entire existence was aware of him to simply do that. it was like trying to enough the rain as it was drenching his clothes. a low, thundering rumble eased from him before he bit it off, not wanting to start anyone nearby. gods, the baser instincts came out like he hadn't been trained out them eons ago and yet hua cheng was around and he wanted to thrash and destroy just because he existed.

fighting off the shiver crawling down the base of his spine, and subsequently the asshole who seemed to think he was speaking of him. he was, but again, that was none of hua cheng's business. if mùyáng complained plenty of times that everyone was mentioned it, or the bastard in question was lurking like some dung beetle, then was mùyáng supposed to confirm that the name rolled off his tongue ? nope. not in the slightest. so while steeping his entirety in denial, mùyáng decided he would do what he usually did with the elders who made a nuisance of themselves ; act as if they didn't exist. but how did someone just ignore someone who made his heart thump wildly with irritation and something unnamed ? one didn't, but damn if mùyáng would give in.

paying for the green onions and bokchoy, he smiles at the merchant, ignoring the question gaze shot over the dragon's shoulder. nope, if he didn't look at him, then hua cheng just simply didn't exist, right ? but the longer he ignored him, the harder it was to control the slow building rumble in his throat. why was this guy in his life again ? he just blew in like a fucking storm. and lingered just as bad as one. feeling the heat in the back of his throat, mùyáng parted his lips, releasing the steam.

as far as mùyáng was concerned, hua cheng had found himself bored and had finally left him alone once he didn't get a response after the first stall. because who in their right mind would bother with furthered silence. and truly, mùyáng wasn't that interesting, nor was he in the mood. he needed to get back home and go take a dive in his lake to cool the embers of the flame that only hua cheng seemed to spark.

[boxwinebaddie]

alright, i am still working on my random self indulgent guidance counsellor jersey hcs ( the kids call him Mr. Bro, which is so iconique to me, like i think the fifth graders were just memeing on him, but it accidentally stuck because the littles heard it and…if that’s ur name once, it’s ur name forever. it’s also Sick, tyvm! )

but anyways here are some random highlights with no context, he is the funniest man alive to me.

-okay, re: this one, he also puts his hair up everyday ( could u imagine that man’s hair being down, children would be like u look like ARIEL! and get nothing done ) btw, it’s virtually the same dress shirt, blazer, sweater, slacks, gold stan s/star of david necklace stack moment w/ the glasses and the chain…but, to keep it cute, he does wear a different silly tie everyday with a different color pattern or vibe going on. he does get sent a lot of goofy ass ties as presents; it’s a w.

-mr. bro does just sound like sheila broflovski and i am obsessed with him. he’ll worry about you all day to the point of being physically sick and see you in the hallway and go ‘well clearly, ya don't need the noise cancelling headphones 'cause you're tunin' me out just fine!'

-he's so cute w/ the little people, he is like aaaa please don't hurt me, spare me, o great and powerful one, i've got two kids and two strays at home ( rip sparky and curb are his kids jysk, annoying rockstar fiance and slightly demonic kindergarten matilda are the strays <3 )

-small domestic ravesey sidebar: jk does wear a cd pin on his blazer sometimes and has a picture of stan on his desk and when he shows kids it and they gasp ( bc stan is extremely beautiful and perfect ) he's like 'oh, god! i know! he's Hideous, right?!' shdlksdd amazing

-mr. bro says acab is my favorite mr. b hc

[spacexseven]

giving nightmares to your demon is a power move

noooo poor dazai ㅠㅠㅠㅠ

[cyberfemboyfungusprince]

Not a stray, the cat was there since the lynx was a baby.

Stray cat breaks into Lynx’s enclosure at zoo

(Source)

[ballwizard]

Luke hating straidor is like the funniest bit of canon character relationships ive ever written. He's beefing with a 13 year old because said 13 year old sees right through his shit and thinks he's annoying

[likeadog]

I think probably one of the funniest things ive ever written was

"Hey, you don't know! Maybe Monoma wants two pounds of glitter! He loves weird gay shit like that." Tsuburaba chimes in, although his grin indicates more that he just wants to see the prank go through. Awase looks up at him, and he goes to make a clarification. "I'm not calling it gay 'cuz it's weird. I'm just saying it's weird AND gay. Like Monoma."

not homophobic hes just a hater

[tange9t]

grody photo of an old thing that sat in a damp shed for a decade but this is the funniest thing ive ever written. the alternate universe where i still write shit like i did when i was 11 is one where i am one of the posters of all time i think

[muttmoxley]

oooooooo im. im wavibg my fingers tell me about juno

ooooooo

ooohhhhhh noooooo… ive been hypnotized by your finger wibbling…. i guess i have to talk about hiiimmmm……

@ my fellow players in the d4 campaign DONT READ THIS. none of them actively use tumblr but jic

(LOTS of text under cut)

the first thing i always always always say about him is that he fucking SUCKS. hes the worst man alive i hope he dies im literally obsessed with him. juno infyris is a tiefling celestial warlock :3 his patron god is homebrew that i made myself! basically he grew up in the underdark (gracklstugh to be specific) doing odd jobs to make enough money to leave. since almost all of the underdark is under lolth, he genuinely just didnt. think gods were real. he was an atheist he just thought everyone else was in a cult on something LMFAO once he was old enough he started a little shop of his own selling fake magic items (most of which he stole). like spamton but not actually like spamton at all. now while setting up his window display for candlenights he ACCIDENTALLY SUMMONED A DEITY. shes like ohhh brave one you have summoned me….. your wish is my command… i shall aid you in your journeys…. and hes like Uh Um Uhhh Can You Help Me Out. (<- INCREDIBLY UNSPECIFIC THING TO SAY TO A LITERAL GOD.) she takes this and fuckinf runs with it hes now soulbound to this deity thats trying to make him a better person and have him do good deeds and stuff amd he HATES IT. as aforementioned he is the worst fucking guy alive hes greedy and selfish and an all around bastard who literally scams people for a living and now all of a sudden hes forced to be a good person or else god will kill him and its the funniest dynamic ive ever written. anyways he escapes his master and leaves the underdark and meets up with the party etc etc etc BUT i wanna talk more about his life before then. see the underdark is a really shitty fuckinf place to live for like 90% of the population and basically anyone that isnt a drow or duergar. SO. you can imagine his life kind of sucks. he is forever in servitude of at least one master at all times & is FOREVER trying to convince everyone he meets to let him live. he used to have wings, in fact! however when they grew in, his master used him for his wings & made him do a bunch of shady shit for him before cutting them off, not wanting juno to seem too valuable to others and have him stolen. juno currently doesn’t remember ever having wings & is convinced hes just naturally discoordinated and clumsy but in reality he’ll never fully acclimate to living without his wings. for all of the 18 years he lived in gracklstugh he spent every day trying to be good enough so that he wouldn’t be deemed useless and killed. his main tactic for this is flirting. see, he knows he’s fucking annoying, and he’s spent years trying to ‘fix it’, and he just can’t. so if he cant change his personality, he believes his only use is his looks. he’ll flash a charming smile and a kiss on the cheek to the vendor he’s currently robbing, distracting them so that he can steal just enough to get by. he’s fucking pretty, and he knows it, so he uses it to his advantage. he exists as an accessory, something to be used, and believes that’s the entirety of his worth. when he escapes the underdark by killing his master (with the help of angel, another pc in our campaign), he takes his left eye out. the scar changes everything. if he’s not pretty, not appealing enough, then he’s fucking useless. he finally got his chance to escape the underdark and now he’s going to be left to die as soon as he sees the sun for the first time. OBVIOUSLY THIS ISNT WHAT HAPPENS. throughout the campaign, one of the other pcs, rpck (no that’s not a typo his name is rpck) falls in love with him. this shit changes EVERYTHING his entire worldview begins to crumble as he learns he can finally be loved and. Yeaghf. im fucking normal about him. theres ALWAYS more i can say abt him but this is long enough already LMFAO thank u for letting me ramble jack :-)

[80s-reject]

hihi omg im so happy i found someone that also watches kumovi bc its like my favorie show ever now i dont need to annoy my friends anymore RAH i js hope this isnt a situation where you like it in a chill way and i like it in a deranged way 😔 basically i was super obsessed with na granici first and also wanted to watch kumovi but i saw that its pretty long and didnt have time for the commitment but then they removed na granici for some reason so i started watching and holy shitt i love it so much ive spent like approximately 2 hours on the wikipedia page and the theme song was in my top 10 on spotify wrapped this year i know it by heart heehee...i actually saw vedran mlikota in real life back in summer but nobody believed me when i said it was him and like a month after i told my grandpa and he said yeah that was him. and i LOST MY SHIT!?!?;$  UM ANYWAYS *almost everyone* in the gotovac fam is my favorite i loove janko and lara theyre so sibling goals and lara is the funniest ever and ofc aljoša THE BETTER BROTHER :3 vesna is kinda annoying to me idk... i dont like her HOWEVER i love her character she was written really well,, my fav side characters are milica and marko their friendship is everything to me im glad theyre not really romantical towards each other :heart_hands: best friends for real..,,.,

HELLO I AM ALSO DERANGED FOR KUMOVI I ALWAYS ANNOY MY FRIENDS WITH IT i actually started watching during the 2nd season so whenever a character from s1 one appears i have to ask my mom who it is because she's watched both season i actually dont know why i started watching it i just sat down with my mom one night and i havent stopped watching it since I ALWAYS ANALYSE THE EPISODE WITH MY MOM AFTER WATCHTING IT janko is a good boyfriend but he is a literal copy of vesna it's actually scary how they managed to create parallels between them AND DONT GET ME STARTED ON ALJOSA. hes legitimately sooo hot and arguably the better brother. i like šima but (spoilers?) she's gen getting on my nerves lately stipan is only trying to help her but she's not used to having a father so she's all like >:( nE mOžEš mI gOvOrIt šTo dA rAdIm!1! and stipan is such a great character but he's a horrible father and great grandfather he would literally make sure his kids don't succeed in life if he doesn't like what they're doing (spoilers?) i agree abt that with milica and marko šank but his mother is literally the worst she's so insane she's literally trying to pull them apart and i'm p sure zvone is going through a mid-life (not sure if that counts as mid) crisis MARTIN IS SUCH A SWEET FATHER (jel novatv bh uopce dosla do toga??? valjda je matija jos trudna idk)

[butchfalin]

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[quirkthieves]

I think probably one of the funniest things ive ever written was

"Hey, you don't know! Maybe Monoma wants two pounds of glitter! He loves weird gay shit like that." Tsuburaba chimes in, although his grin indicates more that he just wants to see the prank go through. Awase looks up at him, and he goes to make a clarification. "I'm not calling it gay 'cuz it's weird. I'm just saying it's weird AND gay. Like Monoma."

not homophobic hes just a hater.

[driflew]

i acknowledge that it is actually Wednesday and not sunday, but at the time my reminder notification went off i was in “the horror genre part of the woods” (description from a friend) for a photography project so i was not able to do the thing

anyway, six fun facts about heliography 2!

1. i have had the zombie thing written for. months. it’s one of my fave bits of lamplight world building and ive just been SITTING on it. god im so glad that is out you have no idea

2. i said in the authors note i gave Martyn an épée bc thats what i use and this is true but the full truth is that it would be... not ideal in an actual fight. it’s dueling weapon and not a battle weapon. however this is my fic and my rules so it’s basically fine  

that said here’s a convo from discord abt my choice to give him an épée that still makes me laugh 

my other fun fact is the line about the bell guard being dented being a bad thing is the funniest to me personally bc that’s just... it just happens to bell guards. it doesnt make it a damaged or bad weapon the way the fic implies. my bell guards are all fucked. every time ive bought a new weapon the other ppl in my weapon have immediately looked at the still-reflective guard and commented it was too shiny and they were going to change that 

3. there were so many ways the middle of this chapter could have went.... i had like 100000 fucking ideas that i came up with and scrapped due to not being quite right or disliking how the pacing of the overall fic felt by having too much or too little. deciding to combine the food scene and the river scene saved my life

4. honestly the whole reason i mentioned Martyn used to have a lute was bc i just. i know. in my heart of fucking hearts. if that man ever encounters lamplight--something that is possible due to cherri cherrifire rooting on my downfall constantly--that the first thing he is going to say is gonna be some shit like “paladin? i would definitely be a bard” and regardless of whether or not that is a valid assessment it IS going to make me scream like a godamn banshee. so. canonical acknowledgement. he just swapped classes alright

5. dont actually know if those zombies were dogwarts’ citizens. i didnt decide while writing it, i went back and forth between citizens and adventurers who fell victim to the watchers and decided to leave it vague. i do enjoy everything ive heard ppl say about them tho

6. the river scene is from a joke from the old lamplight gc between me, haunted, and three other friends. it’s like.... november old. week one or two of the fic existing old. i have been sitting on that stupid thing for so long. i am so fucking glad it’s free

[betawooper]

[ID: A written passage split in two featuring Yoo Joonghyuk and Lee Jihye from Omniscient Reader. Transcript:

“To keep it simple, I enjoyed seeing the looks on the players’ faces after they learned some gimmicky female character they didn’t take seriously wiped the whole damn roster clean.”

Jihye’s nose wrinkled. “Were they rude to Master?”

Joonghyuk sighed. “Of course. I was accused of cheating. All rounds with me in it were questioned and screened for validity again and again. Some with bigger egos to break found my account and left a slew of messages calling me many things.”

“Disgusting, rotten bastards...” Jihye spat. “At least tell me you hit them back with something clever.”

“At the time, I had a girlfriend and knew those sons of bitches probably never felt the touch of another woman before. I was able to resist much of it knowing that fact.”

“Much of it? Not all?”

Joonghyuk crossed his arms as he recalled that little tidbit. It wasn’t one he usually revealed to people since it always felt more like a party anecdote. Nobody even believed him considering how ridiculous it was in the first place. 

“... There were a fair few stubborn ones insistent on calling me a woman in disguise. I am not sure why they would want that confirmed; going by their logic, it would be more honorable to be beaten by a male player with a strange interest in playing female characters than to ever admit a woman could be better than them at anything. But, they tried to annoy me. They constantly made burner accounts so I couldn’t remove them from my life as easily.”

“Did they ever stop?”

“Eventually.”

“How?”

What normally would have made Joonghyuk smirk smugly and proudly announce the ingenious solution to this problem only brought clarity in this context. 

... Shit.

He hesitated when he really remembered what he did. 

“... I fed their misconceptions.”

End ID.]

the paradoxical stupidity of incel gamers who get no bitches and yoo joo’s propensity for being the Pettiest Motherfucker in the world has gotta be the funniest fucking way ive had a character realize theyre trans holy shit-

[hasarjunadoneanythingwrong]

If Nasu wasn't a coward he would have done something like Sefar didn't kill all the gods, the remaining ones are just fragments and you have to fight actual pieces of gods. But no the man said my special oc has killed all gods in existence at the exact same moment in time.

incredibly i have also talked about this specific thing here b4. i also dont know why its being brought again now

anyway my largest issue with sefar is the fact that the timeline given for when it comes and kills all the gods doesnt match up with any of the gods its alleged to have killed. for reference, it is stated to have reached earth around 12000 BCE. the fucking problem with this is that none of the civilizations we are familiar with (or indeed, that fate mentions) EXISTED BACK THEN. for context, the person considered 'humanity's oldest hero' the guy that all other heroes are based off of even if their cultures were too far away for that bit to make sense, gilgamesh, has the first instances of his epic reliably recorded as having first being written down around 2100BCE. 10000 years AFTER sefar is alleged to have hit the moon and earth simultaneously (and indeed, been reported to have been killed/sealed). while its very likely that his tale existed in oral form prior to this i HIGHLY doubt his story was 10000 years old before it was first committed to paper in the fateverse and they simply never mentioned it (he mentions his father having met sefar and sefar spared him in extella so he is presumably contemporary to sefar, although this may be his typical grandstanding)

and thats just gilgamesh. sefar is also noted to have the sword of mars (specifically mars) that she gained from defeating him in combat, but rome itself was not founded until 753BCE and worship of mars didn't reach it's height until 250AD. Even if we look at his greek counterpart, ares, afaik he only first starts showing up around 1200BCE so he's off from both sefar date AND gilgamesh date. even zeus isnt a god until around 2000BCE, and if i can trust the internet greek religion as we know it wasnt properly established until 750BCE. other gods mentioned in relation to sefar have the same issue, although finding out when they first rose to prominance as gods is difficult- odin similarly seems to be exist by the 1st century AD.

ironically, when i was looking to see if ANY gods that show up in fate could potentially have existed in some form (even if under a different name) when sefar is mentioned to have landed it seems like shiva is a possible contender, as prehistoric paintings from pre 10000 BCE are thought to potentially be of him. and yet, the hindu pantheon is one of the few ones that ISNT mentioned in relation to sefar at all lmao

so like what does this mean? either:

sefar DIDNT land on earth 12000 years ago (because how can you kill gods that dont exist yet)

sefar landed, saw that everyone was still fully prehistoric and went dormant until civilization levels rose enough to start blasting (this doesnt align with what we know of her behavior)

fateverse human history started thousands of years earlier than ours but they never bothered mentioning it in anything and it hasnt effected anything of note

sefar landed and killed a bunch of paleolithic gods and nomadic tribespeople before getting killed and shes retoractively trying to convince us that no, i totally bodied zeus, just trust me bro-

sefar got jumped by a bunch of gods that no longer exist/exist under different names and like also shiva and they just dont want to talk about it and are just making shit up. shut up

sefar landed and got her shit rocked by a paleolithic human with a sacred sword (funniest outcome that had to have been the first metal object ever. we were literally still figuring out farming)

the writers either dont know shit about prehistory or they do and put this in specifically to annoy me.

i literally said i wasnt going to get into this bc ive already talked about this on this blog and wow. look at that. ive gotten into it again. anyway anon hope you like this ig

[crplpunkklavier]

“They’ve been really going at it with Bonz. Must be one hell of a conversationalist.” “What the fuck kind of name is Bonz,” says Klavier. “Bonz,” Apollo repeats. “You know, like the cars?” Oh. “You’re shitting me.” “No, I’m pretty sure that’s him. [...] I’m not quite certain who the other one is. Also a former client, I think, but I can’t put my finger on it. Some… producer, maybe, from the Hollywood scene. I believe the name had ‘cock’ in it somewhere.” When Klavier nearly chokes on his hors d’oeuvre, he smiles. “Yeah, I thought you would like that.”

happy wip wednesday ace attorney is the funniest media ive ever written for by a landslide. you can just make up any guy

[grasslandgirl]

top five poems, top five fh/fhsy npcs and top 5 fic tropes you love reading!

tysm moss !!!! <333

top five poems:

the orange by wendy cope. im not even worried about being basic here this is just like. aaaaaaaa yeah.

wild geese by mary oliver. again it's a big hitter here on tumblr dot com for a REASON babes

two-headed calf by laura gilpin. again fucking obviously.

THE GARDEN.

not a poem but it's written mostly in verse and the anne carson translation of antigone/antigonick (both are good in different ways) are so special and important to me forever

top five fh/fhsy npcs

ayda aguefort. this isnt even a fucking question. number one in my heart forever

garthy o'brien <33

sandra lynn faeth (jamie has talked to me about [REDACTED] and otuhgoughouhgh GOD you guys. aaa sandra lynn i am shaking u.)

jawbone o'shaughnessy. the biggest hug in the world to MY DAD !!

telemina lomenelda. not because i Like him but because the supercut of telemine scenes on youtube titled "brennan shitting on elves for twenty minutes" or whatever is one of the FUNNIEST things ive ever seen on the planet

honorable mention all of the seven maidens bc even though they're not really npcs they're all soososoo my best friends <33

top 5 fic tropes i love reading

honestly im such a slut for anything mutual pining. yeah babes sink into and suffer in your feelings and then finally accept you are loved as you are. aaaaaaaaaaaa

ballet au's. not a trope but by GOD i will put these in my MOUTH no questions asked

i love like. well integrated modern/contemporary magic. where it's like a flavor in the background and not a focus. this is so niche and its hard to find bc i Dont Like fics that are just written for the SOLE purpose of carrying an author's ideas for modern magic world building (they're just not my taste)

stupid miscommunication. yeah bitch dont talk about your problems and you both think the other person hates you and etc etc ohhoughguhh suffer about it!! and then DO talk about it and communicate and get on the same page!!!

im doing my fifth bullet for the second half of above bc so truly imo giving enough time for effective resolution after a misscommunication trope is UNDER DONE AND UNDER APPRECIATED. i love angst and suffering and stupid misscommunications as much as the next bitch but you have to spend EQUAL TIME working BACK up to communicating and dealing w the fallout and consequences of your actions AFTER the fact for it to be fulfilling.

feel free to send me other "top five ___" asks !!