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mikeyinnit · 3 years ago

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lovebug

Pairing: Wilbur x GN!Reader

Summary: Wilbur was done with love after he lost Sally, but when Fundy introduces him to one of Niki’s friends, things start to change.

Word Count: 2k words

Notes: Songfic!! I said they would be rare and it’s the second fic I post lmao. Inspired by Lovebug by the Jonas Brothers, totally willing to do a part 2 for this one because I have other ideas with other lyrics and stuff

Tagging: N/A

After Sally, Wilbur wasn’t really looking for anyone else to love, in fact, he had given up on love entirely. He had to focus on his son and the nation he was building from the ground up.

Then you came into the picture.

You were a friend of Niki’s, that’s how he met you. Fundy was visiting the bakery and when Wilbur came to get him, he saw you helping the young fox hybrid make cookies. It was such a sweet sight that he took a moment to just enjoy seeing his son have a great time. When he did enter, Fundy introduced the two.

“This is Y/N! They’re one of Niki’s friends. Y/N, this is my dad. He’s single.”

Of course his son would throw him under the bus like that. But you just laughed, and god did you have a beautiful laugh, and held out your hand. A gesture that Wilbur returned with one of his charming grins.

“Fundy’s talked about you all day, I feel like I know you already…” you had trailed off, obviously Fundy only referred to him as my dad, prompting him to give his name.

“Wilbur Soot.”

“Wilbur. It’s great to meet you.”

You gave him your phone number, clearly you were as taken with Fundy as the boy was to you, for him or his son to use anytime. Then you said your goodbyes for the night as you sent them on their way with the cookies you and Fundy baked along with some extra baked goods.

Called you for the first time yesterday

Wilbur hadn’t used your number for a good couple of days. He had been busy with L’Manberg and honestly had barely had time to see his son, let alone the enchanting stranger.

Today was a day that he could actually spend quality time with Fundy, and obviously all of that time at the bakery while he was working just made the young boy want to bake cookies with his dad. Unfortunately, Fundy was very specific with what cookies he wanted to make. The ones he baked with you.

“These don’t taste like the ones Y/N made.” Was said numerous times throughout the night no matter how Wilbur changed the recipe so eventually, he just gave up and called you to figure it out.

“Hello?”

Your voice rang out through the telephone and it instantly felt like all of the stress of this baking night was leaving his body.

“Y/N, it’s Wilbur. We met at Niki’s the other day?”

“Wilbur! Of course. How are you? How’s Fundy?”

Another grin was brought to his face at you almost immediately asking about Fundy, though he didn’t have the chance to respond as the aforementioned hybrid returned from getting more ingredients for the cookies and practically begged his father to put you on speaker so he could talk to you as well.

“Y/N!!”

It was almost like he could hear the smile on your face as you spoke to Fundy. “Fundy! What are you up to?”

“We’re trying to bake cookies but dad can’t make them like you.”

Wilbur heard that laugh again, that beautiful laugh that he first heard at the bakery.

“That’s because your dad probably doesn’t know the secret ingredient that we used to bake those cookies. How about you give the phone back to him so I can let him know and then I’m sure you two will bake the best cookies ever.”

Then the phone was back in his hand and he spoke, “Secret ingredient?”

You grinned as you answered, “I just told him to tell the dough nice things in his life. Some people say speaking love into the dough helps, I don’t know if it’s true or not but he had fun with it.”

It sounded ridiculous, but Wilbur decided to try it.

“Thanks, Y/N. I’ll let you know how it goes.”

This time, Fundy thought the cookies were perfect.

I finally found the missing part of me

You became a big part of his routine after that night. He would see you at the bakery every time he came to get his son, he called you even when he was at work, you quickly became an important part of his life. Fundy loved you, days together often involved him telling Wilbur all about whatever the two of you got up to.

Wilbur wasn’t a stranger to love, he loved Sally, he loved his country, he loved his son. But it felt very different with you. He couldn’t even say it was love yet, you just felt like you fit with him and Fundy. You were kind, and obviously cared about his son, you were funny, the texts and calls he exchanged with you never failed to put a smile on his face. And you cared about his son a lot, which was certainly not a negative. For the two of them, it felt like you were the perfect fit to the puzzle they didn’t realize was missing a piece.

I felt so close but you were far away

Getting used to having you in his routine meant it really sucked when you traveled to a village far away. Fundy missed you and honestly, Wilbur did too. You promised the young boy that you wouldn’t be gone for long, and told him that he was welcome to call you at anytime. Which Fundy took full advantage of. Every night before the young fox hybrid went to bed, he called you on Wilbur’s phone and the two of them heard about your day and they shared details of their own. On certain nights, you even joined Wilbur in singing a lullaby for him.

People say that absence makes the heart grow fonder and that absolutely seemed true with your trip. Both of the boys missed you and wondered when you would be back, but luckily, you came back within a month. And you came back with plenty of gifts for Fundy, which made the boy ridiculously happy. You even got a gift for Wilbur, which was certainly a pleasant surprise since really, you being back was enough of a gift for him.

That night, he invited you over for dinner. He said it was to celebrate your return, which is true, but he also just wanted to spend time with you now that you were back. You agreed, and the three of you even tried baking dessert, which resulted in a small flour fight initiated by you.

Wilbur usually liked everything in order and in his control, something like throwing flour around and making a complete mess of his kitchen is something that Tommy would enjoy, but somehow it felt okay with you and his son.

I never thought that I’d catch this lovebug again

After that night, Wilbur came to realize that he did like you, if not love you. You were a nice balance to his control and an escape from the stress of his job as president.

At first, it felt like a betrayal to Sally. He decided he was going to focus on his son and his nation, not love. He decided that long before you came into the picture and he was a man of his word. Even if that word was only said to himself.

He knew he couldn’t just outright ignore you. Not only would that be unfair to you, it wouldn’t be fair to Fundy. So he had to deal with it another way, throwing himself further into his work. It meant less time with his son but it was very productive for L’Manberg. Plus it meant Fundy got to see you and Niki more so Wilbur is certain that the young fox would understand and perhaps enjoy this more than spending time with him.

There was a knock at his door but Wilbur didn’t even look up as he called out, “Come on in.” Obviously it wasn’t Tommy since the boy never knocked but it could have been Tubbo or Jack Manifold or even someone from outside of L’Manberg.

“You would think that in a time of peace, the president would have more free time.”

He knew that voice. He could never forget the face that went along with it. Your smile and eyes never left his mind even with him trying his hardest to shut out the rest of the world.

“Y/N, I wasn’t expecting to see you. What brings you by?”

“I haven’t seen you in a while, Fundy told me you’ve been sleeping here lately so I thought I would check on you.”

And there was that kindness again. The kindness that made him fall in love with you in the first place.

“I’m okay, Y/N. Just busy.”

“Too busy to stop by the bakery to see your friends? Or to even come home and see your son at night?”

There was an edge to your voice and Wilbur wasn’t sure how he felt about it, obviously he thought that Fundy would prefer spending time with you and Niki over himself but it seemed like you disagreed.

You strongly disagreed.

“I’ve just been busy. Running a country is a lot of work, Fundy will understand. He gets to see you and Niki more anyways, he’s happier that way.” He shifted his eyes back to the papers in front of him, letters he had been drafting for the past two hours and couldn’t get anywhere with.

“Fundy is a child, Wilbur. Niki and I are happy to see him at the bakery but we aren’t replacements for his dad. His dad who suddenly became “too busy” almost overnight. What happened?”

It truly was sweet the way you cared about his son that much. Enough to come to his office when you could be sleeping. This could have been a good moment for him to say what was on his mind, that he thinks he was falling in love with you and didn’t want to betray his dead wife. But he lied.

“Tommy has been getting into trouble with Dream recently, I want to make sure we don’t fight in another war so soon. Or ever again.” It was a solid lie, Tommy had a reputation for being a troublemaker and he could use that to his advantage. You seemed like you were about to speak, probably about Fundy, so he spoke first, “I promise that I will talk to Fundy and see him more as soon as I get this figured out. Thank you, Y/N, it’s really nice Thank you, Y/N, it’s really nice to know that someone else cares about Fundy this much, he needs that.”

“It’s not just him that I care about, Wilbur. I wish you would see Fundy more sooner but I was also worried about you, I know you care about him so something had to be going on for you to miss seeing him this often.”

Well that certainly didn’t help with him trying to ignore these feelings.

“Then I thank you again. I really appreciate it. Goodnight, Y/N. Get some sleep.”

“Goodnight, Wilbur.”

I kissed them for the first time yesterday

Wilbur kept the promise he made to you. Considering the reason he gave you for being busy was a lie, it wasn’t hard to get back to seeing his son and by extension, you.

If you asked him, he would say he’s handling his feelings for you rather well now. He hasn’t done anything about it but he isn’t shutting out the world so, progress.

It was another dinner night with you and Fundy, you had brought desert with you this time so they didn’t have another flour fight but it was still lovely. After he sent Fundy to bed, you stuck around.

The two of you had been sitting on the couch together for a whole, just talking about anything, and maybe it was just because it was late and you looked so beautiful but something came over Wilbur and he asked, “Would you mind if I tried something?”

You nodded, curious about what he was going to try, but you didn’t stay curious for long as Wilbur gently cupped your face with one hand and leaned in to kiss you.

A kiss that you returned.

I never thought that I’d get hit by this lovebug again

#mikey's writing #dream smp x reader #wilbur soot x reader #wilbur x reader #dsmp x reader #dream smp x you #wilbur soot x you #dsmp fic #dsmp x you #dreamsmp x reader #dreamsmp x you

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mercuryonparklane · 4 years ago

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I seriously debated keeping this one in the drafts...

Okay, I felt compelled to analyze the timeline of all of Taylor’s rumored/alleged boyfriends (barring any that she supposedly dated pre-fame) and why I believe they could have been fake/pr setups...

Disclaimer: this is all speculative and is just my opinion. No one has to agree... we don’t all have to agree because really the only people who know the truth are Taylor and those she has shared it with. I do have a very skeptical view of the entertainment industry and pr, so that is a bias I will own up to. I especially think Taylor, for a very long time, was willing to play along with the pr side of things, but eventually reached a breaking point (as any normal human under that amount of pressure and scrutiny likely would). Whether that means she has faked all of her public relationships or some of them or just aspects of them... I can’t really, truly know that. So, just keep in mind that this is one little, insignificant person’s view of Taylor’s public relationships and that I do not personally know any of the people involved...

Don’t take this too seriously, peeps... I’ll even tag it as crack theory...

Joe J.: June/July-September/October 2008

If nothing else this feels like a typical pr setup of two young stars. He had Camp Rock, a Jonas Bros’ album and a tour and concert film to promote. Camp Rock came out on 6/20/2008. The Jonas Bros’ third album, A Little Bit Longer, was released on 8/12/2008. In August, Taylor joined the band on stage during the filming for a concert movie that would be released in February 2009.

Taylor had an album that was released just weeks after their alleged breakup. An album which contained a few songs that would be attributed to Joe J. due to the publicity surrounding their relationship. Hmm... what a great way to drum up interest in an album that includes quite a few heartbreak songs. Not saying I know that is the case, but they both had a lot to promote between June and November 2008.

Lucas T.: March-April/May 2009

He was in the Hannah Montana movie, which was released 4/10/2009. Taylor had a cameo in that movie and also wrote a song for the soundtrack. Lucas also played Taylor’s love interest in the mv for YBWM, which premiered 5/2/2009 on CMT. He was in one of her Myspace vlogs in April 2009. IMO, this was a setup to promote the Hannah Montana movie and the YBWM mv, but it didn’t really take off. Lucas later said they dated briefly, but he realized that he just saw her as a friend...

Taylor L.: August-December 2009

They played a couple in Valentine’s Day. In September, just days after the VMAs where KW interrupted Taylor on stage as Taylor L. stood a few feet away, Taylor went to an Owl City concert at the Bowery Ballroom where she met the man who would supposedly inspire “Enchanted”. Umm... “please don’t be in love with someone else”... even though I am currently dating Taylor L. and he is my forever crush, but like, I am totally crushing on you actually. I have no clue if any Swifties have ever picked up on that discrepancy.

Oh, and Taylor L. also “dated” Selena in early 2009 and I doubt Taylor would go there, even if they ended on good terms. I mean, it’s possible, but idk it seems unlikely to me.

John M.: December 2009-February 2010

I think Taylor admired him as a musician (this seems to have been mutual with John praising her talent multiple times) and she may have seen him as a mentor at first. I do not believe that anything happened between them beyond that. I think he was so thrown off by “Dear John” because of that. He was already tweeting in the spring of 2009, hinting at wanting to collaborate with Taylor. The album their duet was on came out in November 2009, right before they started “dating”. Although it wasn’t released as a single until June 2010.

Besides, Liz (friend or otherwise) has remained a fan of John and even went to his concert a few years back. So, either she didn’t care that he screwed one of her supposed good friends over or it didn’t go down how people were led to believe it did.

Jake G.: October 2010-December/January 2011

Unless this relationship started much earlier than everyone has been led to believe, it is very unlikely that ATW is about him. It certainly seems to have been written prior to the maple latte/scarf/sister’s house articles that were abundant after that pap walk. Either Taylor used him as a scapegoat for a song that wasn’t about him or he was a willing participant in a pr scheme to make sure people thought the song was about him.

He couldn’t have been setup with his costar, Anne H., because she was already in a long term, committed relationship. At the time Taylor was still good pr since she was still known as a kind of girl next door, all American type with genuine talent.

I’m not saying I know for a fact it was fake. I’m saying there are plenty of reasons why I think it was. Everyone has different perspectives... mine is that this was purely a pr setup.

Will A.: sometime in 2010 and/or mid or fall 2011-January 2012 or May (?) 2012

They were likely just friends, but people did think they were dating back then. The songs that people think he wrote about Taylor (”White Dress” and “Kiss Me Slowly”) were recorded in 2010. So, if she started dating him in September 2011, which people think because the dress she wore to his May 2012 birthday party was the one she is wearing on the “Begin Again” cover art, then those songs aren’t about her. About the party dress... Sarah B., who took the picture, was also friends with the Parchute guys, so maybe the photoshoot that the picture on that cover art came from happened earlier that day.

He was friends with Liz’s ex Jason and one of his best friends is still to this day very close friends with Liz, so that’s probably how he met Taylor. I think Taylor hung out with that crew a bit back then. AND those times Will and Taylor were seen hanging out in late fall/early winter 2011, Jason and/or the other friend were there. Yes, I am saying that Taylor was hanging out with Jason in November/December 2011, just a few months after he and Liz supposedly broke up. She was also still hanging out with Liz a lot at that time and after, though, so I think it was all good.

Conor K.: July 2012-September/October 2012

This was Taylor’s worst pr. If it was a real relationship... it is borderline predatory. If it is fake... still a big yikes... I don’t have much to say about this one. I think it was fake and an attempt at making him the muse for “Starlight” (how cute, this song she wrote about his grandparents sort of became about them), “Begin Again” (nevermind that the copyright record say the song was written in 2011), and EHC (nevermind that the song was written in May 2012). It would have been great pr, though, if he was a couple years older. Taylor should have fired Paula after this one... (because the public should have never known about it, real or fake).

Harry S.: November 2012-January 2013

Similar to all the others before (and after), there were “random” sightings, including a birthday trip to “the lakes” and blatant pr (go on and wear that fox sweater and paper airplane necklace, Taylor...). That NYE kiss, though...

Calvin: February 2015-May/June 2016

Taylor finally dropped her old publicist and brought on Tree. First step, was to erase the “boy crazy”/“man eater” label (and possibly the “professional beard” label) and become an independent woman who just wants to have fun with her gal pals. It got a bit gayer than expected (whether Kaylor was really a thing to some degree or not is irrelevant to the point). The gay rumors were actually catching on even faster and people were like “oh, that’s why she couldn’t keep a man” (sexist/homophobic as all of this is/was, ofc).

Enter Calvin... a playboy DJ who some might deem “tall and handsome as hell” (peeps, I am not really the best judge of a man’s attractiveness, so this is just how I think people see him). He seems sooo straight. I don’t know how else to say it. All of her other supposed boyfriends had gay rumors, whether or not those rumors were just people gossiping or had some basis in reality... I think he is the only one that doesn’t have them, that I know of anyway.

I know a lot of people think they were really together, but I think this was an attempt to have her in a more serious, long term relationship to counteract both the gay rumors (not necessarily as a cover for a woman because I don’t think all of the guys have been or need to have been covers for a secret relationship with a woman, it’s about appearing straight) and the “can’t keep a man” narrative that had followed her around. Even if they were in some sort of situationship (not what I think, just theorizing here), it wouldn’t have been a steady thing and they seemed to not like each other very much when all was said and done.

I still laugh that he said Taylor was the opposite of his type (and specified that he likes brunettes) in November 2014 and then he allegedly dated her for almost a year and a half, starting literally a few months after he made that comment. If that was a real relationship, he was either playing it cool when he said that or he misjudged her or Taylor was determined to date him because it was a challenge.

Either way, it seems like her team controlled the public narrative and maybe Calvin was okay with that at first, but over time it seemed like he wasn’t a big fan of that. Maybe that visit to the strip mall massage parlor was a bit of a rebellion...

At least they both got some royalties out of it...

Joe A.: September 2016-Present

Taylor’s team absolutely has control of the public narrative and he seems okay with that. He is a literal mirrorball. He is whatever Taylor supposedly says he is in her songs/whatever Swifties want him to be.

He likes to drop fun facts like how his family jumps into a freezing pond at Christmas or that he worked at a yogurt shop as a teenager. Whether they are real or not... he seems to be playing into the pr. Dropping little bits of information that will tie him to her songs... it is very “maple latte”/“paper airplane necklace”/dark jeans and Nikes... OR Taylor is just taking the few facts people know about him and using it to pin songs on him.

If he is a beard (which imo he likely is), I think he gets along with Taylor and doesn’t mind the minimal pr of it all.

I don’t think he is WB, either way...

Again this is just my view of things. This has no bearing on which women Taylor may have dated. I could do a separate post on what I think that timeline might look like.

One point I will reiterate is that I do not think that a beard would always be a cover for a secret relationship with a woman. I think it sometimes is, but it can be more of a general cover for someone who is gay. So many people think Taylor is the straightest person who has ever lived simply because of her public dating record. I mean, heteronormativity and homophobia also play a big part in that...

Edit: I completely skipped Tom lol. I just don’t buy that one either. Maybe he thought it would be good publicity or maybe he was led on to think it was more real than it was or maybe he was just having fun. Idk. All kinds of articles written about them at the time included some caveat about how they seemed fake or were maybe filming something...

#gaylor crack theory

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misterewrites · 4 years ago

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Intro to Caitlyn 102 (Mirror’s Edge)

Hey everyone! E here with another chapter. been a busy week so this is a little late but with any luck I'll have the next underground chapter out this week or maybe another chapter for this story. dunno I'm just having fun in general. I hope you are all staying safe, wash your hands, wear your mask, get the vaccine if you can, keep each other safe! Feel free to tell your friends about this, reblog it or leave comments I'd greatly appreciate it. Trying promote myself is weird haha Stay safe and have a great week!

If you’d like an easier place to read the story, feel free to follow the link below

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30599756/chapters/76796408

Summary: Caitlyn has her target thanks to one Finnrick Drift and now it's time to break in. After she takes care a few things at home.

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Caitlyn sighed as she was unable to keep her eyes off the slivered hue butterfly hair ornament in her palm, the multi-colored glass shards wings stretched wide like it was ready to take flight.

It was beautiful, it was the perfect and it was expensive.

The sliver was real, none of that cheap painted copper or tin or whatever hairclips were normally made of. The different shards of glass had been painstakingly put into place, each fitting together perfectly like a completed puzzle which must’ve taken months to do by hand. And true to his word, she could feel the energy of this item, the magical thrum of its power. It no longer felt cold and distant but warm, light and carried a familiarity with it. It was strange to say but it was almost like the ornament was breathing in time with her. Like it was a part of her.

Of course it was, it’s freaking magic! Frankly magic could do whatever the hell it wanted apparently. The real question was what hidden power laid within.

Somehow in the back of her mind she knew how this thing was supposed to work: it granted her some kind of temporary movement. What that meant she hadn’t the slightest clue. She also knew it would only last an hour and would ‘refresh’ at every dawn. Because that’s a thing. And she knew the spoken word needed to activate it. Which of course meant the word was angel.

Caitlyn frowned, unsure what kind of joke this was. Finnrick had specifically called her angel twice: once when they first met and when asked what exactly the hairclip did. Clearly it was some inside joke he was in on. She just wished she was too.

“Hey Cat, you okay? You keep looking at the wall.”

Caitlyn shook herself out of her stupor and found herself staring at wide brown curious eyes that belonged her baby brother Lou.

Louis or Lou as he preferred to be called, was 7 years old (soon to be 8 next month). He had messy black hair with a cute button nose. He wore clothing typical of a child his age: A red shirt with a hero splashed across its front and baggy shorts. His sneakers were worn and frayed which reminded Caitlyn she really needed to get him a new pair. Between his chubby cheeks and the gap in his smile he was the cutest kid in the world. True he was a bit pudgy due to his lack of height though if he was anything like their father, he would grow to tower over her.

Caitlyn sighed sadly: two years and still no word of her parents. One day they just up and vanished. She used to think they had died through some cruel act of fate or misfortune. In her weaker moments, she briefly wondered if they just left Lou and her behind to start a new life.

But now, with the realization there was a whole magical world on top of her own, she couldn’t fathom what could’ve happened to them. Her thoughts were endlessly filled with possibility and none of them good. None of them made the pain hurt less.

She pinched herself as hard as she could. The sharp pain cut through her wandering mind and focused her back on the task at hand.

“I’m fine” She gave a sly smile “But have you finished your sandwich? A nice man bought it for you and I don’t want it to go to waste.”

Lou bounced up and down excitedly, pudgy hands tucked into a fist “Yes, yes I did! It was yummy!”

“Awesome!”

“Who was the nice man?” Lou asked quizzically, tilting his head to one side.

“Umm….” Caitlyn was torn: One hand she wasn’t quite sure where her and Finnrick landed on the whole trustworthy scale. On the other hand she couldn’t just say a random name. Lou had an uncanny ability to know when she was lying. Bordering on supernatural sometimes.

She glanced carefully towards her baby brother, searching for any sign of magic or mysticism in his chubby cheeks.

He scrunched his eyes wide and inched closer to her. She blinked, stumbling backwards at his sudden movement.

“I win!” He cheered with a bright smile “You blinked first!”

It took a moment for Caitlyn to process what was going on.

She laughed softly “Yeah kiddo. You win.”

“So what’s the nice man’s name? It’s not Jonas, is it? He was a creep.”

“Yeah he was.” Caitlyn awkwardly agreed. Her stomach churned unhappily at the thought of her ex. “No, his name is Finn.”

“Finn” Lou paused thoughtfully, eyes narrowed in concentration “Fiiiiinn. Finn! I like it! Fiiiiiiiinn. Can you thank him for me next time you two go out?”

Caitlyn rose a hand up no protest “Whoa, whoa, whoa slow down kiddo. We’re not dating.”

“But why not? You said he was nice.”

“I…” she glanced about the apartment wearily: Peeling paint, barely held together furniture and rent past due. So much work and effort for this ramshackle home.

“I don’t have time kiddo. I got to keep working if we wanna keep this place.”

Lou frowned, his face confused as if he couldn’t understand the word work “But you’re always working Cat. When are you supposed to have fun?”

Caitlyn ruffled his already messy hair lovingly “I’ll worry about that and you worry about having fun...and keeping up your grades.”

Lou’s ears perked up “What? Sorry, I think I hear Hedge calling me.” and without further warning, he bolted into his room, picking up his beloved turtle plush Hedge and dove under the covers.

Caitlyn couldn’t help but grin at his brother’s antics.

Then reality set in again.

She rather not deal with this newly found, barely understood magical world but regular folks weren’t paying the bills like they used to. Her fence was giving her less and charging more. Some bulltshit about paying off crooked cops or whatever. Sounded like a half ass excuse to her but they both knew she didn’t have much options.

Real gold. Any loose change from magical folks could easily lighten her burden and the promise of more sat in some entitled prick’s safe.

She couldn’t resist even if she had tried and she hadn’t tried to stop herself in years.

-----

Caitlyn waited till midnight to make her move. It was easier to blend in with darker shades and regardless of who she was robbing, she wasn’t in the business to make enemies. Especially enemies with unknown powers.

Lou was tucked into bed, nice and cozy with Hedge locked in his arms. Mrs. Palmer, a kindly older woman next door, agreed to watch him. They shared a silent knowing look with one another.

Her apartment was on the less than well kept side of town and everyone had their hands in some sort of shady business here. They tried their best to keep their noses clean but sometimes there were dips into less savory methods of getting cash.

Caitlyn was prepped for the mission ahead: A black blouse with black leggings. Thick black hiking boots for gripping walls and a leather black jacket to keep the cold and sharp pointy objects away from her skin.

She took a sad glance at the jacket, remembering all the times her father joked about handing it down to her when she beat him at arm wrestling. She could still hear dad’s hearty laughter echoing down the hall.

Caitlyn’s eyes hardened as she forced herself to look away “They left. No point in letting good gear go to waste.”

She took a deep calming breath as she ripped the tape off the butterfly knife she hid underneath her bed. She hated unnecessary violence but sometimes it took more than a good right hook to get someone off your ass. Better to have it and not need it than wind up with a bruise of regret.

She slipped the knife into her jacket pocket, slung her bag over her shoulder, nodded thankfully towards Mrs. Palmer and made her way out the door.

------

Caitlyn decided to take the long way: True it was halfway across town and took an hour of traveling but she always enjoyed the quiet that came with waiting. It calmed her, allowed her time to double and triple check her plans with the added benefit of shaking out any loose thoughts rattling in her head with each bump of the bus.

She stared at the beautiful ornate butterfly clip currently holding her ponytail up in the window. Caitlyn wasn’t sure what exactly Finnrick had given her but she didn’t want to use it at the apartment in case it didn’t do what it was supposed to. After all, suddenly having the knowledge in her head on how to work the hairclip was a bit unsettling. Okay really unsettling. Better to use it far away from Lou in case it exploded or something else nasty.

She got off the bus at last and hurried her way over to Andor’s, careful to cover her face whenever she spotted the odd store or traffic camera. She didn’t know who actually controlled them and she didn’t want to find out the hard way.

Andor’s Antique Shoppe (really cute elf boy) was the tallest building on the street: three floors that towered over the single story shops nearby. The street itself was nearly pitch black with a street lamp on either end of the block being the only source of light. Not a soul in sight.

Now was a good time as any to try out the hairclip. Caitlyn closed her eyes, exhaling slowly as she focused on the magical item. Goosebumps ran down her spine while the quiet, powerful thrum hummed softly in her ears. The word escaped her lips like it was second nature.

“Angel”

She nearly stumbled as a warm sensation filled her entire being. It covered her like a second skin and suddenly she was aware of the hairclip intimately: It’s weight, where it sat upon her head. She could feel the wings of the butterfly unfold, outstretched and ready to take flight. She heard the shimmering of magic forming into existence and she let out a surprised gasp when her feet lifted off the ground.

Caitlyn glanced in the nearby shop window, tears welling in her eyes:Beautiful translucent butterfly wings extended out from behind her. The outline of the wings were a deep rich purple with the multicolored glass stained shards gorgeously laid across its surface, each as elegant and refined as any art piece she’d ever seen. Each flutter and beat held her aloft, defying gravity’s hold on her. In the shadows of the night, the soft glow of the wings made her look like...

“An angel.” she whispered gently “I look like an angel.”

Caitlyn wiped the tears away. Technically she was a butterfly but this wasn’t the time for sentiment. She had a job to do and the longer she floated out here the more likely she’d get caught.

“Up” she murmured and the wings obliged: she rose silently skyward, each beating of the wings taking her higher and higher. The chill of the wind felt nice across her cheeks and she couldn’t help but relax in its presence.

Her original plan was to simply scale the side of the building and pick the window to gain entry but with her new found vertical movement, it was easier to just go up and over. She made sure she ascended from the end of the street and flew over to the third floor.

Caitlyn tilted her head quizzically as she found herself staring at a haphazardly open window.

“It can’t be this simple.” she narrowed her eyes suspiciously “It has to be a trap.”

-----

Caitlyn stood dumbfounded in the unguarded office of Andor.

She looked to her left then to her right, waiting for some sort of ambush to be sprung.

None came.

“Okay it is this simple.” Caitlyn whispered to herself, opting to just take this stroke of good fortune and run with it. She quietly willed the wings away and with a glitter of magic they vanished into thin air.

She crept over to the black safe tucked lazily in the corner, a stack of important looking documents just thrown on top without a care in the world. She quickly pocketed them and turned her attention to the roadblock in her way. True to Finnrick’s information, the safe itself was fairly simple and wouldn’t take much to break into. Either Andor was extremely confident in his security or really didn’t take being a crook seriously.

Not that it mattered to Caitlyn. It wasn’t her fault Andor hadn’t invested in a good safe.

She pressed her ear against the cool surface of the metal, trying to ignore the icy chill on her cheek as she strained to listen for the nearly inaudible click of the tumblers falling into place. It had taken two tries too many but she allowed herself a smug grin as the safe’s door swung open with a creak.

Caitlyn’s eyes narrowed at the sight of a funny symbol painted onto the back of the door. It gleamed with a strange unnatural light before disappearing all together. Before she could began to guess what bad news that meant, the shouts and thundering footsteps echoed from below answered her question.

“Shit.” She whispered as she began frantically grabbing everything she could: Folders, stacks of papers and clanging metal in heavy pouches. It all went into her bag with as much speed as she could muster.

The footsteps grew louder with a frantic pace. They were already on the second floor if she hazard a guess. Caitlyn made for the window and without a second thought, flung herself outside with all her might.

“Angel!” She hurried muttered but the wings were forming too slowly. She already crossed past the next floor down when they barely began to outstretch from her back. Caitlyn was no physics major but even she knew there was no way she’d be able to slow down in time to avoid breaking her neck. She shielded her face with her arms and tried not to flinch as she waited for the pain to set in.

It didn’t come.

Instead she felt herself slow to a stop midair and just stayed here. Caitlyn opened her eyes to find herself bobbing up and down inches away from the pavement. There were a pair of legs as well: Black slacks and well polished loafers with the bottom half of a black tattered trench coat.

“Falling for me angel? I didn’t expect it to be literal.”

She glanced up to found herself staring at the one and only Finnrick Drift before her, a cheeky smile on his lips and his hand held out.

Finnrick waved his fingers over her and she landed onto the sidewalk with a soft thud.

He offered her his hand but she preferred to scamper to her feet in the most ungraceful way possible. Her cheeks burned with a pinkish hue at the sight of the P.I.

“Thanks.” She couldn’t keep the embarrassment out of her voice “I….thanks.”

Finnrick nodded “Anytime.”

“WHY IS THE DOOR LOCKED?!” A voice roared from overhead.

“CUZ IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE YOU IDIOT!”

Realization knocked Caitlyn out of whatever was going on here but as she turned to make a break for it, Finnrick rose his hand to stop her.

She glanced at him, lost and confused.

“The favor. I’m calling it in.”

“What?! Here?! NOW!? You got to be kidding!”

“I kid about a lot of things.” Finnrick admitted “but not this.”

“We’re standing outside the place I just robbed! This isn’t the time!”

“Yes it is.”

Caitlyn took a step back and cast a suspicious look at the private investigator “You were using me, weren’t you? You didn’t want to get your hands dirty so you let me borrow the wings so I can steal the thing for you!”

Finnrick shook his head.

“Don’t turn this around on me!” Caitlyn snarled

Finnrick answered simply “You were clearly better at locks and sneaking around than I am. I was actually having trouble figuring how to pull this off. Every option ended with a fight with Andor. That’s why I’m out here. Why I busted every cameras on the street and managed to keep the window open. To make sure you were okay.”

“Where even were you?!” Caitlyn tried in vain to recall seeing Finnrick on the street “it doesn’t matter! You want me to trust you?! Just like that?”

Finnrick sighed tiredly “Please angel I trust you.”

Caitlyn’s eyes went cold “That is your mistake, not mine.”

Finnrick stared back at her, his dark brown eyes warm and gentle “Trusting you is my choice. Breaking it lays entirely with you.”

Caitlyn felt the rage and distrust drain out of her and replaced with a tense exhaustion.

Angel. He had let her borrow the wings and while there was no way he’d let her keep them he did give it to her for a favor. A simple favor he promised.

She sighed in defeat “What’s the favor?”

“I need a paper from the stack.”

“And if I give it to you, will you let me go?” She asked, hating how weak and vulnerable she sounded.

“No” Finnrick spoke without hesitation.

Caitlyn's shoulders sagged with disappointment.

“I will protect you.”

Caitlyn couldn’t help but stare at Finnrick: His face was scrunched up in a rather cute sense of determination and his body was relaxed. It was clear he was trying to be as nonthreatening as possible and despite her recent outburst, he seemed more concern with her than himself.

When was the last time someone offered to protect her? Granted she didn’t need any but even Caitlyn had to admit it was nice to hear.

They stood there for a moment, the angry shouts and cursing of Andor and his thugs breaking the silence of the night.

“Which paper is it?”

“It’ll be a single sheet with some fancy silvery writing on it.”

It took her no time to find it: It was thicker than all the others, written on some ancient paper that was aged yellow with time but was otherwise intact. The shining silvery writing was indeed fancy but nearly impossible to make out. She could actually feel her eyes water just looking at it and she wasted no time shoving it into Finn’s hand.

“There!” Caitlyn cast a nervous glance towards the third floor window “I kept my end. Now keep yours. Please.”

Finnrick said nothing. He instead tucked the loose paper inside his coat and offered a hand to her.

Confused but running out of options, she gingerly took his hand in hers. She flushed at how warm he was. Caitlyn let out a yelp as Finnrick pulled her in. She tried to keep her cheeks from turning a lovely shade of red when Finnrick held her close.

Finnrick began chanting, his hands drawing unseen symbols in the air. Caitlyn could feel the same warm sensation from earlier wash over her as Finnrick’s spell took effect.

-----

“FIND MY STUFF NOW!” Andor screamed with bloody rage. He was typical of an elf: Impossible well kept blonde hair that flowed to his back, piercing forest green eyes. He was tall and lean with the tackiest suit anyone had seen. Reds and pinks in some sort plaid pattern. He called it looking good. His goons called it a headache. His pointed ears twitch unhappily as he struggled to listen for any sort of sound nearby but found nothing beyond the usual quiet hum of the city.

Andor groaned unhappily as he made his way to the window. His eyes scanned the street with a clarity not even the most technologically advance camera could match. His elf eyes took in every detail through the shadows: every imperfect scratch on the brick buildings, the asphalt embedded with the grooves of tires, cracked sidewalks that spread out like bolts of lightning.

Nothing. Not a single soul was in sight. The silhouetted street was bare and empty.

“FUCK!” Andor screamed into the silence “FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! FIND THEM NOW! CHECK THE FRONT DOOR CAMERA!”

“We can’t boss, it was fried yesterday, remember?”

Andor shut the window with a violent thud.

-----

Caitlyn let out the tense sigh she hadn’t realized she had been holding in.

She instinctively looked towards Finnrick only to find empty air.

“We’ll have to be invisible a little longer. They’ll be searching the shop before they think to start fanning outside. Andor will be making the process longer. Let’s get to the end of the street and I’ll drop it then.”

Caitlyn nodded for a moment before realizing he couldn’t see her

He guided her arm into his and the pair briskly walked down the street. It felt weird to walk invisible, arm in arm, while a childish elf baby raged behind them.

When they reached the end of the street, Finnrick dropped the spell. The two reappeared as quickly as they’d vanished. Caitlyn pulled away from the detective, her body shivering from the sudden lack of warmth.

“Thank you.” Caitlyn murmured softly.

Finnrick tipped his fedora “Any time sweetie.”

“What now?”

Finnrick scratched his chin thoughtfully “It is late and staying here would be a terrible idea. I suspect we both have places to be.”

Finnrick reached into his pocket and held out a piece of paper for Caitlyn to take. She stared at it, unsure what he was offering.

“It’s my fence.” He clarified with a smile “I take it you don’t know a magical one. He’s very trustworthy and he’ll give you a fair price.”

“Thanks” she took the slip of paper “I….thank you.”

“Any time. Good night angel.”

“Wait!” She reached for him but drew back when he turned to face her “Your hairclip? The one you let me borrow?”

Finnrick’s eyes twinkled with amusement “You didn’t hear me, did you? I told you that’s yours.”

Caitlyn could hear her heart thundering in her ears, cheeks ablaze “You sure? It seems like it costed a pretty penny.”

“Pretty amount of gold.” Finnrick corrected with a wink “And I’m pretty sure. I made it for you.”

“Why?” The question slipped out of her mouth “Why me? You barely know me.”

“Not true.” Finnrick nervously bit his lip “You barely know me. I’ve been waiting for you forever now. About five yearsin fact.”

“Me?” Her blush worsened “I don’t understand.”

“You will.”

Finnrick took her hand in his once more and softly kissed it. Caitlyn could feel a flutter of butterflies fill her stomach.

He hesitated to break his hold on her but he did so respectfully. Caitlyn could see his cheeks tinged with a pinkish hue as he began walking away.

Caitlyn stood there and watched the detective vanish into the night.

-----

Okay, so she didn’t just stand there dumbfounded as Finnrick walked away. It was probably a terrible idea and definitely not normal Caitlyn behavior but she followed him.

It wasn’t too hard given her newfound verticality. She just waited a few minutes, noted the direction he was heading and flew over the rooftops. Finnrick didn’t seem to be aware he was being followed. He walked the darken streets of Newton Haven, gesturing to the odd person or mythical being cloak in the darkness. His pace was casual and unsuspecting.

Her concerns about running out of time were unfounded as about 30 minutes later, Finnrick ducked into a fairly decent apartment complex. It was better kept than hers but only by a fraction.

A dark apartment on the third floor was suddenly flooded with light as Finnrick Drift made his way inside. He hung his coat and fedora at a coat rack that stood by the door. The apartment was itself humble: he had a battered desk placed by the window, his tiny kitchen was on one side and the door to his bedroom on the other. There was a large file cabinet next to a battered, ancient fridge. Not the place of a well paid private investigator.

Finnrick sighed tiredly as he rolled up his sleeves. The way his body hunched over with the slow debilitate movements he made, it was obvious he must’ve been exhausted. But whatever he was up to must’ve been important because he began drawing on his lovely wooden floor.

Caitlyn couldn’t really guess what the detective was doing beyond the shape he was making: There was a large outer circle and a much smaller one within. An array of symbols were drawn between the two circles such as stars, a crescent moon, squiggles shaped like trees with a language she didn’t understand.

It didn’t take Finnrick long to finish. He stood at full height, wiping the sweat from his brow as he reached into his pocket and pulled a baggie. Carefully, he opened the bag and pulled out a sliver thread that seemed to shine even at this distance. He placed it within the smaller circle and outstretched a hand like he was grasping at something. His eyes, normally a warm dark brown, glowed with blue arcane power. Magical symbols formed before him and the building groaned and creaked like the mere presence of magic commanded it to speak. He lit a match, his lips moving more and more wildly yet no sound could be heard from within. Finnrick closed his hand into a fist and the symbols sunk into the circle. He flung the match onto the sliver thread and the entire glyph blazed with fire for moment. There was a flash of a brilliant light and the circle had vanished only to be replaced by some strange figure.

She was much taller than Finn, so tall in fact the top of her head nearly scraped the bottom of the next floor up. Her hair was wispy, thin threads of sliver that reached to the bottom of her feet. Her skin was pale like moonlight and two dark sunken pits formed her eyes. Her frame was lanky and unnatural like someone had pulled and stretch her into her current form. Her clothes were torn and ragged.

The figure tiled her head curiously at Finnrick who dug into his pocket and pulled out the yellowed paper Caitlyn had given him. The figure was dumbstruck as Finnrick handed it to her with a warm smile. He offered a match to the creature but she shook her head. She gingerly held the paper in her hand, staring at it like was about to vanish into thin air.

Then she ripped it. She tore at it with a fierce, terrifying frenzy. She ripped and ripped and ripped until impossibly small bits of paper rained across the apartment. Caitlyn leaned closer as previously unseen shackles formed upon the figure’s wrist and cracked wide open. They slipped off and vanished into the air.

The figure let out a manic laugh as she shrunk, her limbs realigning themselves until she looked like a proper human sized person only a head taller than Finnrick. Her thin wispy hair fattened to thick, full braids of metallic silver. Her skin remained pale but her dark sunken eyes turned a coal black, full of life and joy. Even her clothes had transformed into a splendid elegant dress that sparkled like stars.

She cried, clear streams of water running down her face as she held Finnrick’s hands tightly. She wailed and shook, unable to keep her emotions in any longer. Finnrick let her, giving only a satisfied grin in response. She handed him a handful of gold, 3 maybe 4 pieces and began patting her dress as if looking for more. Finnrick stopped her, pocketing the gold and shaking his head no. The creature was not satisfied by this and began to gesture wildly about. Finnrick remained steadfast. He gestured to himself, lips speaking but Caitlyn couldn’t read whathe was mouthing this far away. The figure said nothing as a small child matching her skin tone appeared from out of nowhere. The child gestured to his wrist excitedly though nothing was there. The figure scooped the child in her arm and gently kissed his forehead. She glanced to Finnrick and was gone. A gentle warm breeze sailed past Caitlyn’s hidden spot, dispelling the frigid 2 a.m. air.

Finnrick chuckled to himself and despite on the verge of collapsing, made his way to the kitchen. He remained there for a few minutes and reemerged with a steaming cup of those instant noodles found at the store. He made his way over to the window and lifted it open. He placed the foam cup on the fire escape and hastily wrote a note which he folded carefully next to the food.

And with his job seemingly done, he made turned off the lights with a flourish of his hand and made his way to his bedroom. He closed the door and did not reappear.

Caitlyn flew over with the few minutes she had left in her wings. She picked up the cup of ramen, contently sighing with its warmth. She grabbed the note and read it aloud, curious what Finnrick wrote.

Caitlyn felt a chill of run down her spine as she read “Hey! Noticed you watching me and given you didn’t try to attack me, I assumed you had your reasons. If you’re trying to track me for your boss, here’s your warning! I will destroy everything they hold dear. You possibly included. If you just were a person or fae that was just curious, have a warm meal on me! It’s cold out so bundle up. Have a good one and don’t touch the window. I am a powerful warder.” F- :)

Caitlyn couldn’t stop the grin from spreading across her lips as she saw the cute smiley Finnrick had ended the note with.

She held the cup close as she made her way to street level. Finnrick told her she’d understand in time. She wished she understood now but she shocked to find herself more than willing to find out.

#Mirror's Edge #My story #Original Work #original story

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bowieandqueen11 · 5 years ago

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Perfect Match / Jonas Kahnwald Imagine

Request: Hi! Could I request some fluff of Jonas kahnwald x best friend reader when he realizes he's in love with her and not with Martha? A happy end with a kiss. Gosh this boy need to be protected ♡♡♡

Thank you to my dear @fuwari-s for reminding me how emotional I am about Jonas Kahnwald :’) Someone needs to come cry about season 3 with me!

Comments are always appreciated! <3

‘Show off.’

Jonas only grins, flopping back down onto his back and dropping his controller onto the floor by his side. He places one hand on his forehead, the other draped lazily around his stomach as you settle down next to his side. You can feel the small huff of air from his lips as he chuckles, your hand coming to grip on his other arm.

‘I don’t know why you keep on bringing this game over. I beat you every single time. You, and your brother.’

‘Leave Bartosz out of this, he sucks at every video game.’

You rub your fingers along the coarse mattress, revelling in its familiarity and warmth on such a cold Winden night. It was obvious Jonas hadn’t tried to keep his room tidy since his dad has passed on, but the duvet that lay tangled by the bottom of your waist was thick and irresistibly soft, like a billowing cloud. You toppled your legs onto it, kicking Jonas’ out of the way.

He only huffed in mock annoyance, before a flash of seriousness overcame his soft features and he turned his head to look down at you.

‘Do you believe people could be made for each other? Like they were always meant to meet even without destiny?’

Sitting up on Jonas’ bed, your careful not to hit your foot against his elbow as you tuck your knees underneath your chin.

‘Like your parents?’

Streaks of pure white crackled against the stormy blanket of grey outside as you spoke those words, shrouding hot silver clouds with its blinding incandescence. Jagged bolts endlessly protrude, filling the sky with undying flashes of white against the brown backdrop of Jonas’ room.

‘Definitely not. Everyone in town seems to know that mum’s having an affair with Ulrich. And even if my dad never said anything, I think he knew as well.’

‘What then, like you and Martha?’

‘No, not like her! Besides, she’s with your brother now. Like... us.’

‘Like us? What do you mean?’

Jonas is lying in the room he had called home all his life, and yet he could still find himself trying to stop his arms from shaking as he looked quickly away from you. He’d spent all of last night up, tossing and turning, trying to find the right words to say to you. All the things he had written down in letters while he was away in ‘France’, but never had the courage to send, only to burn. By the morning, his bed sheets had been in a knot on the floor, and aside from a few fit-full half hours of vivid Michael-full dreams, he hadn’t slept a wink.

His stomach shifts uneasily, realising that he couldn’t run away from this anymore, that the time had come, and he notices that the hands that he is hugging himself with are pinching into his skin. It’s only when you grab onto one of his hand, intertwining your fingers with his like you had done a million times before, that he snaps out of his daydream.

‘Jonas, what’s going on. You’re acting weirder than usual. Was it Hannah?’

‘Just- moments like this, they feel like they’ve happened before. Like deja vu, or a gl-’

‘A glitch in the matrix. Yeah I get that. Well, if it’s any consolation, Jonas Kahnwald, if we are all stuck here living in this hell hole over and over again, I’m glad it’s you.’

There was a feeling in his gut that still said, ‘no,’ but another in his heart that knew, all along, that the answer was ‘yes.’ That somehow, it always had been, and always would.

‘Do you remember the day we first met? You came walking into school, wandering into German and I swear, the whole room turned red for me. It was like I couldn’t see anything, couldn’t focus on anything for the rest of the day, until I talked to you again.’

‘And now your world’s gone crazy again.’

‘Yeah, well, it was worth it. I’d pick you over and over again, Y/n. In any timeline - in any world.’

‘Shh now and kiss me before your mum comes home.’

Your voice wavered, trying to sound confident as he pushed himself up onto his elbows, eyes traced onto your lips and mouth slightly agape, but you were still completely unprepared. You would think that after all the hours you’d spent with Jonas - watching him talk, laugh, frown, sigh - that you would know all there was to know about his lips. But you hadn't imagined how warm they would feel pressed up against your own. How desperate they would feel. How familiar, as if you had done this thousands of times before. As if it was only natural. He feels your hands on the back of his neck, playing with the ends of his hair, a smile growing on his face at the tickle.

As Jonas smiled at you, reaching into his back pocket to place a silver looking locket around your neck, only one thing rang around his mind. Meeting you was a fate, being your friend, a choice. And falling in love, it was always bound to happen.

‘I think we’re a perfect match, Y/n. Never let anyone else tell you any differently.’

#dark #dark Netflix #dark Netflix imagine #Jonas Kahnwald #Jonas Kahnwald imagine #Jonas dark imagine #Jonas Kahnwald x reader #jonas kahnwald fluff #jonas kahnwald angst #jonas dark #louis hofmann #louis hofmann imagine #michael kahnwald #ulrich nielsen #hannah kahnwald #martha nielsen

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emeto-things · 4 years ago

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You Will Be Okay ❤️

Whatever you’re panicking about right now, know that you will be okay.

You will not be s*.

You are stronger than your emetophobia, and you’re in control of your emotions - even if sometimes it feels like you aren’t.

I’ve dealt with emetophobia for over 13 years, starting at just age 5.

Over the years, I’ve gathered many, many tips and tricks that I would love to share with you :)

Remember, everyone handles their anxiety/emet differently, so don’t be discouraged if any of these techniques don’t work for you, over time, you ultimately end up finding what works for you ❤️

•Videos/Songs/Apps•

1. Anti N* frequency on YouTube.

https://youtu.be/E8Ea159nx2g

I find that really helps.

2. “Emetophobia Panic Attack Help”

https://youtu.be/YtifvkN0U4w

Jona is the sweetest soul and I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve watched this video and felt instantly calmer afterwards. She’s the reason I found this blog! ❤️

3. “Weightless by Marconi Union”

https://youtu.be/5b1BKt_3Ag8

This song has been proven to reduce anxiety, and it really does! This version is 8 ½ hours long with no ads and a dark screen, it’s perfect for bedtime anxiety! But it works during any time of day ❤️

4. The App “Calm”

I always use the “breathing exercises” part of this app, and I find that it always calms my panic and relaxes me. You can do the breathing exercises for free, and you can set the time of how long you want to do them, and repeat as necessary :)

5. Bob Ross

https://youtu.be/HCsCatvigtw

This is just a random video of his, but he has a very calming voice and watching him paint is also very relaxing. I love watching him before I go to sleep to get me in a calm, happy state of mind. There’s tons of full length episodes on YouTube that you can watch of his!

•Food/Drink•

1. Spearmint/mint chewing gum.

I find that mint gum opens my throat when it feels like it’s closing in. Chewing gum is also a distraction from your anxiety, and I find that the mint flavors soothe any stomach discomfort. It also relieves n*! The perfect, easy solution for us emets!

2. Ice cold water

Sipping ice cold water helps bring me back to reality when my anxiety has taken me to another world. It also soothes the stomach, and if you’re sweating as panic sometimes causes, it can help you cool down.

3. Bread

Plain bread is one of my favorite things to have when my emetophobia is high functioning. I feel like it’s really easy on the stomach and coats it - we emets don’t eat as often or as much as most people, and tend to feel empty stomached often. Eating something small such as bread, can really help fill up your stomach without making us more anxious.

•Extra tips & tricks•

1. Ask yourself, “what would make me feel better right now?”

This is so simple, yet so effective. When panicking, it’s so easy and common to forget all the tips you’ve learned and forget what you really need in the moment. Make a conscious effort to ask yourself, “what would make me feel better right now?” It could be a glass of water, talking to someone you trust, going home if you’re out, taking a shower etc. And if for some reason you can’t do what you feel you need to do, choose the second best option that you CAN do. Remember, there is ALWAYS something you can do to feel better, even if it’s small❤️

2. Being alone/being with others

This one is completely up to personal preference. Some find that they’re less anxious when around other people, and some find that they’re less anxious alone.

This ties into the first tip. I personally prefer being alone when I’m anxious, so I always try to find somewhere to step aside, calm myself down and then go back to where I was. But some people feel that the complete opposite helps them, see what works for you! Ask yourself if you’d be more comfortable around others right now, or alone. Or with just one person you trust! - And remember, If you are anxious in a situation where you’re alone and nobody is with you, you WILL be okay. You will make it through. You will not be s*.

And if you are anxious in a situation where you’re around others and have to be, you WILL be okay. You will make it through. You will not be s*.

3. Temperature shock

I find sometimes if I’m sweating with anxiety, a quick change in temperature can really distract me and calm me down. Maybe go outside if it’s cold out, or splash cold water on your face. If you’re cold, try going into a heated room or standing by a fireplace, or wrapping up in a blanket with a heating pad.

3. Heating Pads!!!

I can’t emphasize enough how much heating pads help me. With as much stomach discomfort as us emets have, they’re a miracle worker on stomach aches, stomach discomfort and just about any stomach sensation, the heat of the heating pad really seems to help. Not to mention, it’s great for when you’re shaking and cold from panic, it works for that too!

4. Creating a playlist of calming music to listen to when you’re anxious

I always do this, and it always helps me calm down. I’m planning on making a Spotify playlist to share with you guys, for you to listen to when you’re anxious. But feel free to also make your own! Different music calms different people in different ways :)

5. Talk to a trusted friend or family member

You don’t have to talk to them about the anxiety you’re experiencing - unless of course, you feel that would help you in the moment. Having someone to talk to that you trust can be a real anxiety buster. It’s always good to laugh and have a good time with someone you can truly be yourself around.

I really hope some of these tips can help you guys, and just know that you are never alone in this phobia.

It’s a difficult phobia to endure, but it just shows us how truly strong we are. We are so much stronger than our anxieties, fears, OCDs, depression and any other battle we come across.

Believe in yourself, and try not to beat yourself up over having a panic attack, or having this phobia in general. It’s not something we can control, and we are so much stronger than we even realize.

Your anxiety and emetophobia doesn’t define you. Even with anxiety and emetophobia, you’re still a wonderful, beautiful, strong, brave person who can achieve anything in this world that you put your mind to. Your anxiety only limits you as much as you’ll let it.

You’re deserving of love, family, friends, health and happiness - you are a beautiful human being inside and out and don’t ever let other people, or your own inner anxieties and fears tell you otherwise.

You are not s*. You are perfectly healthy, and you will be okay❤️

Anyone on this blog is here for you and understands you, and we all love and care about you and are so proud of you for the progress you’ve made and are continuing to make. Stay strong, loves! You will be okay❤️

THIS IS AN AWESOME POST! THANK YOU SO MUCH ABBY! - Kaitlyn

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homeformyheart · 4 years ago

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flying - edward mortemer x f!mc (ds)

author’s note: i started writing this for the prompt request “first kid vs. last kid” and realized i was writing enough for a separate one-shot before even getting to the “first kid” part. so i just went with it as a standalone fic that also works as a prequel, hope you enjoy! i’m also trying a new thing i read somewhere to add icon warnings to mark an upcoming ns*w scene so people can skip ahead if they want. i wasn’t planning on the ns*w scene since it’s definitely more than i’ve done before, the scene did get away from me while i was trying something new, sorry not sorry 😅.

copyright: all characters owned by pixelberry studios. series/pairing: distant shores – edward mortemer x f!mc (peyton bellamy) rating/warnings: 18+; ns*w explicit smut between the 🔥⚡ (heating up) and ❄💧 icons (cool down) word count: 2.6k based on/prompt: “first kid” prompt fill efforts (see a/n). summary: peyton struggles to find her place in her own time, waiting and hoping for the compass to send her back.

flying

peyton was exhausted. it had been two years in edward’s time since they defeated the admiral and discovered she could continue to travel back and forth in time as long as she was in proximity of the compass. time seemed to pass slower in the future; what felt like a matter of hours or days ended up being months in his. the first time she found her way back only took two days but the weeks they translated to were visible in the way edward’s shoulders seemed more rigid.

she was still high with adrenaline from the final battle and moment she finally got to be with edward when she returned the first time. edward was more weathered, but they both fell back into each other as if no time had passed, twisting and tangling, feeling and squeezing, equally giving and taking – until every part of her was wholly his and every part of him was seared into her body. they knew that this thing between them was something they had to grab and take as much as they could.

living in the moment was for those who knew where things could go; peyton was going to steal every moment she could.

it wasn’t enough. she knew it was never going to be enough and she tried to navigate her own time as if she had never left. there were too many moments to count, as she half-heartedly searched for auditions and part-time jobs, wandered around the grocery store, or took the bus down to the beach only to sit in the sand without a bathing suit, where she felt out of place, as if she had never really returned to her physical body. not that she could ask anyone, but she wondered if this was how spirits who had unfinished business on earth felt – wandering in a haze and trying to navigate the feeling of being in-between places.

so when she found herself back in time after several weeks, she felt relief escape her body with each exhale and warmth from the salt air fill her lungs with each inhale. never mind that she was alone and lost – not physically at least, she knew where she was, but not when.

charlie found her wandering in the port of tiburon, trying to remain hidden until she could change into something more period appropriate. after a too brief, but tearful, reunion and confirming that it had been almost a year since they saw her last, charlie brought peyton to the poseidon ii; she couldn’t help but smile at how the new ship looked almost the same as its predecessor.

and then she saw him – standing against the edge with his back to her, but peyton knew he felt her presence. it was the little details – the way his shoulders tensed ever so slightly, the way his hands that were clasped behind his back fell to his sides, and the way the breeze danced through the hair tucked behind his ear, visible only because he turned his head ever so slowly to the side – that made her heart skip and her breath catch and before she even realized what she was doing, she was flying across the deck into his waiting arms.

“miss bellamy, is it really you?” edward murmured, pulling back slightly to look at her face. his hands moved from her waist to cup her face.

peyton leaned into the familiar warmth of his calloused hands. “oh edward. call me peyton,” she said softly. “i’m home.”

edward gave her a long, conflicted look that finally softened into desire. he gently stroked her cheek with his thumb and pressed his lips into hers, softly at first. peyton closed her eyes at the feel of his lips against hers, revisiting the familiar taste of salt and the ocean that always seemed to accompany him.

“miss peyton,” edward whispered as if he was practicing the sound of her first name on his lips, punctuating each try with featherlight kisses on her cheek and jawline. “peyton.”

she pulled back slightly and felt a smile start to make its way onto her face. she didn’t think she could explain what it felt like to hear her name whispered with such reverence that she could almost feel it caress her skin.

the bit of reverie they found themselves in was quickly broken by the sound of shouts from around the deck as the crew appeared from the nooks and crannies of the ship.

“peyton! you’re back!” ginny’s voice rang out loud and clear, followed by the sound of running footsteps on the deck.

peyton looked up just in time before ginny’s frame barreled into her, her head now coming up to chest height. “ginny! it’s good to see you – you’re so tall now!”

“it’s good to see you, lass,” jonas said, coming up behind ginny, followed by kendrick and maggie.

before peyton could say anything, she was engulfed by the crew and surprised at how quickly tears started falling down her face. she had missed this crew, her family, more than her own time.

“enough hugs, it’s time to celebrate properly,” charlie said, holding up a bottle of rum in her hand. as she poured out some for peyton, she winked. “welcome home.”

it didn’t take long before the entire crew was drunk and starting to dance and sing songs that didn’t make any sense to peyton, mostly because kendrick tended to mumble a lot when he was inebriated. peyton looked around at the group with a smile on her face and knew that the warm feeling settling in her chest wasn’t from the alcohol.

she caught edward’s eye and felt herself blink at the intensity she found there. the sun had all but gone to bed beyond the horizon, but the remaining glow was enough to still cast a halo around him. the only thing peyton could see clearly were his eyes, not because the color, size, or shape stood out in the shadows, but because the intensity of his gaze called out to her.

he turned away and headed to his cabin, not looking back once. peyton glanced around at everyone who was too drunk to notice edward’s departure before landing on charlie’s knowing look. peyton felt her cheeks warm under charlie’s teasing gaze and she quietly followed after edward. his eyes never left hers as she closed the door behind her and stepped toward him.

“miss peyton, do you know when you might leave next?” edward’s gaze was still intense but tempered with a pained longing that peyton recognized as something she saw most days in the mirror.

she shook her head sadly. “no… if and when i go back… i don’t know how long it will take for me to return. the compass seems to have a mind of its own and i constantly have to compromise with robert.”

edward chuckled, but it sounded hollow to peyton. “seeing you now… has made these past months endurable, but not knowing if i might ever see you again is almost unbearable.”

peyton’s heart clenched. there was always that tiny doubtful voice in the back of her head that feared one day edward would decide she wasn’t worth waiting for, or worse, that they would be apart forever, without knowing that it was forever. but she had always refused to believe either scenario would come true because it was just too heartbreaking to think about.

but here she was about to experience that heartbreak. a tear slowly trailed down her cheek, followed by another. she watched through blurry curtains as the water droplets started the beginning of a puddle on the wood floor. edward quickly closed the gap between them and lifted her chin with his finger so she was looking up at him. he slowly, and gently, cupped her face in his hands and wiped her tears with his thumbs.

“please don’t cry, miss peyton. i did not mean to hurt your feelings. i would bear all the burdens of the world if it means i have your love.”

“you have it, edward. forever,” peyton promised. he had wiped her tears away and was hovering just a breath’s distance from her lips; so close that peyton was ready to beg.

as if he read her mind, edward leaned down and pressed his warm lips against hers, and the soft, happy sigh that escaped her naturally gave his tongue the opening it needed. she could taste the subtle sweetness of the rum on his tongue, further intoxicating her senses. she bit his bottom lip, eliciting a low growl from his throat that made her spine tingle. in retaliation, he started kissing down her neck until he reached her collarbone. peyton couldn’t help the gasp that escaped at the tingling sensation traveling down her spine.

🔥⚡🔥⚡

edward worked his way back up her neck until he was kissing her again relentlessly, giving her no room to breathe. he gently pushed her back until she felt the bed behind her knees. not willing to give up control just yet, peyton hooked her leg over his hip and pressed herself against edward, gripping his hips to create as much friction as she could; the layers of fabric he was wearing was too much against her thin summer dress. if he took another step, they both would go tumbling on to the bed.

he pulled back slightly to give her a mischievous look before he grabbed her ass and lifted her up so she had no choice but to lock her legs behind him. peyton wrapped her arms tightly around his neck as he laid her on the bed, covering her body with is and making her crave skin-to-skin contact.

“you have too many layers on. take them off, please,” she winced internally at the sound of her voice begging, but the embarrassment disappeared as soon as she saw the desire in edward’s eyes.

she immediately regretted her request when he stepped away, the heat from his body suddenly disappearing. she sat up on the bed as edward slowly unbuckled his belt and let it drop to the floor before shrugging out of his coat. his fingers moved to undo the buttons on his shirt one-by-one, mesmerizing peyton who wanted his fingers to undo hers.

peyton found herself pressing her thighs together for some semblance of relief from the heat pooling at her core as edward finally undid the last button and shrugged his shirt off his shoulders. she let out a frustrated sigh, which only made edward’s smirk grow bigger. she stood up and leaned into him, leaving his arms now trapped by the shirt. with the fabric taut against his lower back holding his arms in place at his sides, peyton placed her hands on the inside of his thighs and started trailing her fingers upward.

she grinned as edward’s smirk faded, only to be replaced by the sounds of heavy breathing, as her fingers stayed the course, curling firmly over the fabric barely containing his cock. she grinned at the change in his expression now that she was in control. she tucked her fingers into his waistband and pulled his pants down just enough to free his cock. she brought her hands back to caress the inside of his thighs, massaging it gently with her fingers while avoiding going any higher.

“enough teasing,” she said, stepping to the side and pointing to the bed. “sit.”

edward stepped out of the rest of his clothes and did as he was told. “i don’t think this is quite a fair trade, miss peyton,” he said, his eyes twinkling in the dimly lit cabin.

peyton kept her eyes trained on his as she lifted her dress over her head and threw it on the floor alongside his discarded clothes. seeing edward swallow at the sight of her bare breasts gave peyton the remaining courage she needed to slip off her panties and climb over him, pushing him back down on the bed so he was looking up at her. his hands immediately came up to her hips and she lined herself up over his cock before sinking down slowly with a satisfied moan. just the feeling of him fully inside her was enough to bring tears to her eyes, especially after realizing that her body still had him memorized.

“miss peyton—” edward grunted before peyton interrupted him with a kiss. she bit his lower lip before tangling her tongue with his, simultaneously moving up and down and rolling her hips to generate as much heat as she could between them.

as she felt the pressure start to build in her abdomen, her mouth started moving less intentionally over his. her moans started becoming audible and ragged; edward held her hips tight against him, stopping her mid-movement, so he could sit up and flip them over. he pinned her arms above her head as she wrapped her legs around his back.

“edward, i’m close—” she strained to get out, the feel of him moving above her was beginning to be overwhelming.

“i have you, let go,” edward coaxed, taking advantage of the angle to thrust harder and deeper.

peyton arched her back as she came, the pressure that had been coiling in her abdomen releasing and sending her flying. she cried out as edward urged her on, ignoring the fact that the crew were right outside the cabin. her back continued to say elevated as edward held her firmly through his own climax, their simultaneous grunts and moans drowning each other out. he held her lovingly through her climax until she was ready to touch back down.

❄💧❄💧

he left slow, patient kisses on her neck and collarbone as she breathed heavily, placing a hand over her heart in a subconscious attempt to slow down her rapid heartbeat. edward continued leaving kiss after kiss down her chest, on each of her fingers, before nudging her hand with his nose so she’d flip it over, allowing him to kiss her palm. peyton tangled her fingers in his hair as she opened her eyes, feeling her body flush under his loving gaze. he moved so he was laying beside her and peyton lifted her head so edward could slide his arm under it. she turned toward him, folding both her arm and leg over his so she could be as close to him as possible.

“get some sleep, my love,” edward said softly, pulling up the blanket to cover them both.

“i’m afraid to,” peyton whispered, moving her head to rest on his chest so she could listen to his heartbeat.

he lifted her chin with his finger so she was looking into his eyes. “i’m here. there’s nothing to be afraid of.”

“what if falling asleep means i get sent back to the future? what if we wake up and i’m not here anymore?” it wasn’t the only way it happened, but waking up alone in the future without edward the first time she traveled back wasn’t something she was going to forget.

edward reached behind her to gently massage her neck and against her will, she felt her body and mind start to relax. as sleep started to seep into her body, she tucked her head under his chin and heard him murmur against her hair, “even if that happens, our story is still far from over. i will still love you with every breath until you return to me again.”

they knew their time was limited. she might disappear tomorrow, in a week, or years later, but for now, they were together. for now, that would be enough. it had to be.

* * * * * mentions: @khoicesbyk permatag: @agentnolastname; @freckles-spangledvampire

#choices ds #distant shores #edward mortemer #edward x mc #edward mortermer x mc #peyton bellamy #edward mortemer x peyton bellamy #choices fanfic #choices fanfics #playchoices fanfiction #reposting for new blog #my writing #ns*w #long fic #not twc #my choices fics

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ravenbrenna09 · 4 years ago

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When Isak is Also Even

This story is partially based on this post and here’s AO3 Link

...

Since wtfock season 3 has ended, I dived further into the lore and mythos of the Skam universe. Skam was a fandom that I always followed (when it was trending) but it was really Robbe and his season that fully brought me into it. Now, I’m in the midst of watching through Skam NL—I’m at the very beginning of episode 5—and I’m planning on watching España later on because I just love all that I’ve seen with the girl squad.

But, Lucas always surprised me as a character—but especially as an Isak because he always seemed to have Even-like traits. From what I’ve seen, he’s primarily headcanoned to go on and study art. Because of this, I decided to play around with the idea that he has equal traits of the two.

Because of this, I wanted to explore the idea that our “Isak” is given the storyline that Even normally represents especially given that Lucas’s own mother is bipolar as well. But, I did write Lucas as closeted as the other Isaks typically are at the beginning of their season—maybe more so?—so that is something to note. Now, of course, this is all fun and it’s just something that I wanted to explore—especially in a one shot.

but, this is also my birthday gift for @peaceoutofthepieces (who is currently still sleeping rn) and it’s basically midnight for me SO THAT MEANS IT’S OFFICIALLY YOUR BIRTHDAY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATALIE AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.

It’s really short (about a length of a clip of Jij Verliest) but I wish it was so much longer but I couldn’t manage it. I hope you enjoy it <3

…

The second that an Even sees their Isak is when their story starts changing, for the better, and life goes on to form something more precious than it was before.

But, this story is different.

Lucas van der Heijden is an Isak—technically, in someone else’s story—but he moved to Antwerp to get away from his father who tried to control his life and breathe down his neck about his medication. His mother had encouraged him to do so—to try new things—and with the Academy sending him an acceptance letter, it seemed so perfect, to go live in his cousin’s spare bedroom and get away from his father. So, because of this, Lucas van der Heijden is also an Even—technically.

One day, in the midst of it all, Lucas spots someone who instantly has his attention. Because Lucas is technically an Even—as much as he is an Isak, the person in his sight is his Isak, in every sense of the word. But, his “Isak” also happens to be another’s “Jonas.”

...

Lucas van der Heijden

Standing in front of the classroom, his photography teacher, Mr. Maes, a recent graduate from the Academy who returned to teach, lectured on and on about the various lighting techniques and what they tell the viewer. Mr. Maes had his brown hair meticulously styled. Today, he decided to wear a long-sleeve black shirt that clung a little too tightly to his biceps and a pair of jeans that clung tightly to his hips. Despite Lucas’s interest in the class—photography was his favorite medium and this class was his favorite of the semester—his brain kept fading in and out of the lecture.

For whatever reason, his eyes kept returning to the curves of his muscles with a frustrating intensity. It was ridiculous that Lucas was getting distracted by something that didn’t interest him at all—outside of an artistic standpoint, of course—and he kept trying to force himself into the lecture. But, his brain also seemed to remind him of the text messages on his phones, the ones his father sent him as a botched attempt to bring him home despite his upcoming exam.

Dad: Come on Lucas. Your mother doesn’t understand.

Lucas: Really? She seemed fine when I called her. I have an art history exam next week that I have to study for. But I guess I don’t understand.

Dad: Lucas, that wasn’t what I meant.

Lucas: I know exactly what you meant.

Shoving away the thoughts of his father’s texts, Lucas’s eyes drifted back to Mr. Maes. Lucas was talking about lighter settings now, but his voice was growing increasingly muffled as the seconds stretched on. Lucas could feel his mind working, mentally sketching the scene in front of him—Mr. Maes enthusiastically talking about the various types of lighting. Normally, Lucas was always attentive during this class—as mentioned previously, it was his favorite class—but his mind continuing to wander was frustrating, to say the least.

His dad had to message him before his class, didn’t he?

There was a tap on his shoulder, jolting him out of his thoughts. Glancing around the room, Lucas realized that their class had been dismissed and Mr. Maes was conversing with several students who lingered. Lucas felt his cheeks flush, his thoughts returning to his head, as he tried to shove them away.

Eager for a distraction, Lucas turned to the person who broke him from his trance. His classmate, and friend of about a month, was standing beside him with his leather jacket thrown over his shoulder. Sander Driesen was shorter than Lucas with short brown hair that was growing out. He always wore some sort of graphic t-shirt and a pair of skinny jeans and Doc Martens. His Instagram was covered with pictures of him with bleach-blond hair—something that Sander insisted was returning as soon as his hair grew out again.

While they had bonded in the classroom, Lucas had met Sander two weeks before the semester starting… at their therapist’s office. Once they found out that they went to the same college—and found out they shared a class, they had become close. Sander was taking the class as an elective, but they still collaborated when given the chance. Sander knew about Lucas’s father and the spiral that ended with his diagnosis and his grief over leaving his mother. Lucas knew about Sander’s fascination for spray painting and his diagnosis at the age of sixteen and his artistic muse—his boyfriend who had hair that curled when it was too long.

A week ago, Lucas learned from his new roommate, Zoë, that Robbe, Sander’s boyfriend, had his room last autumn—but Lucas still hadn’t gotten the chance to physically meet him. Even though Sander had shown him every picture that he had of Robbe.

Sander stepped out of his way to let Lucas out and they slipped past their professor, who didn’t seem to notice Lucas’s absent mind. But, Sander did, asking as they headed out of the college, “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Lucas said, shrugging his shoulders. “It’s just my dad being an ass, trying to get me to come home because my mom doesn’t ‘understand’ or whatever.” Sander scoffed, rolling his eyes. “I called her and told her that it was because of my Art History test next Wednesday.”

“Yeah, those Art History tests can be brutal,” Sander admitted.

“Thanks for the support.”

“You’re welcome.”

As they stepped outside of the building, the sunlight shined down upon them. On most days, the sun was energizing and bright. But, today, it felt daunting and tiring to Lucas. It might’ve been his text messages with his father, but the fact he got little sleep wasn’t helping matters. His cousin was… loud and Lucas didn’t have noise-canceling headphones like Zoë had acquired. Before Sander stepped away, Lucas asked, “What are your plans for the day?”

“Robbe and I are going out to dinner with some of his friends,” Sander said. “What about you? Did you want to come?”

“No, thank you though. I can’t today. I’m going to buy noise-canceling headphones and study some more for that brutal Art History test,” Lucas said.

“Milan?” Sander asked, grimacing. Lucas fervently nodded his head and Sander chuckled. “Maybe, one of these days, you can get him back someday.”

“I doubt it,” Lucas said. There was a flash of movement over Sander’s shoulder and Lucas’s eyes found it immediately. A person was running in their direction—or more specifically at them—with curly brown hair and a face that Lucas knew intimately for someone he never physically met. Before Lucas could even form a warning to Sander, Robbe was jumping onto his friend’s back. The force had nearly knocked Sander over and Lucas moved to help

Sander quickly found his balance, gripping onto Robbe’s thighs like a lifeline to keep him stable. The leather jacket that Sander held in his hand had hit the pavement and Lucas bent down to pick it up. His boyfriend’s legs were wrapped tightly around his waist and his arms bound around his shoulders. As Robbe pressed kisses against his boyfriend’s cheek, Sander exhaled, relaxing, “For fuck’s sake, baby, don’t do that.”

“Sorry,” Robbe said, giggling with a wide grin on his face. Sander reached out his hand to Lucas, making a grabbing motion for the leather jacket, and he handed it over without hesitation. As if noticing Lucas for the first time, Robbe glanced over at Lucas. “Oh, you must be Lucas, right? I’m Robbe.”

Lucas chuckled, glancing at Sander. “Yeah, I know who you are.”

“What do you mean?” Robbe asked. “I’ve never met—” There was a look of realization on his face and his cheeks flushed instant. Immediately, Robbe turned shy, burying his face in the crook of Sander’s neck. Lucas was barely able to hear a muffled, “That’s so embarrassing.”

Sander chuckled. “Don’t worry, I only showed him the PG sketches.”

Robbe pulled himself from Sander’s neck to say. “And that’s supposed to make me feel better?!”

“Woah,” Lucas said. He waved his arms as though he could somehow block out the newfound information tainting his mind. He covered his ears and took a step back away from the couple. “That’s too much information.” Still holding Robbe on his back, Sander nearly doubled over in laughter and Robbe gripped onto him tighter. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Sander. If I can even look you in the eye anymore.”

“You’ll understand one day,” Sander said, moving in the way Robbe had come. He lifted Robbe a little higher on his back as they walked away. “Goodbye, Lucas! I hope your dad stops being an ass and you study for your test!”

“Thanks,” Lucas said. “I’ll do my best. Nice to officially meet you, Robbe!”

“You too!”

Sander turned away, taking Robbe with him. Lucas watched the happy couple moved away from the school intertwined and holding onto each other. Robbe was still high on Sander’s back, clinging to him like a koala, and his face buried into Sander’s neck. The two of them looked so happy and proud, intertwined with one another so easily and simply. Lucas felt a sense of longing flash briefly in his chest as he watched their retreating forms.

Lucas moved in the opposite direction. His mind was already marking the path to the video store to buy a pair of the best noise-canceling headphones. As he pivoted to leave, his eyes caught sight of Sander and Robbe with someone else and—for whatever reason—Lucas halted to a stop without having gone too far away from his original destination.

There was a tall guy was walking up to Sander and Robbe. Behind him, two guys were chatting loudly but Lucas couldn’t hear him—and he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the guy in the center. The guy in question was taller than all of his friends, but his shoulders were slumped a little. Even though he had a maroon hoodie over his head, Lucas could tell that his hair was a jet black. Lucas could see his sharp jaw and the upturn of his lips as he teased Sander and Robbe.

He was beau—

Lucas cut off his thoughts, abruptly turning around.

Lucas’s brain was screaming at him to turn around, to make up some excuse as to why he can join, simply to find out the name of the beau—no, the man there. But, Lucas knew that he couldn’t. It wouldn’t make any sense for him to change his mind now. Forcing one foot to move in front of the other, forcing himself away from the guy that had captured his attention, Lucas swallowed deeply as he tried to keep his thoughts even.

Lucas had never been like that before.

It wouldn’t make sense for him to be like that now.

But, as he turned the corner, Lucas snuck a glance back to him—just to see the guy smile dazzlingly at Robbe and Sander.

...

Note: There was supposed to be a second part of this from Jens’ POV a few weeks later where Jens would actually meet him, but I wasn’t able to get it on time. I hope you enjoy this section and maybe I’ll do Jens’ POV after Jij Verliest ends?

#wtfock #skam nl #lucas van der heijden #jens stoffels #van der stoffels #vds #crackship #jens x lucas #lucas x jens #even!lucas #i just had a lot of fun playing with the role switches here lol #robbe ijzermans #sander driesen #lucas and sander friendship rise #i felt like it would be such an amazing friendship #but i can dream #long post

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dustedmagazine · 3 years ago

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Dust, Volume 7, Number 7

What are Grandbrothers doing to that piano?

Greetings from under the heat dome, where shipments of vinyl are melting mid-journey and even the coolest of cool jazz sounds a little wilted by the time it reaches your ear. We are sitting in the shade. We are drinking lemonade and iced tea. We are looking for the window fans and lugging old air condition units up from the basement. We are, perhaps, headed to the community pool for the first time since our kids were young, though also, perhaps not. In any case, we are still getting through piles of recorded music, even in this heat, and finding some gems. Here are dispatches from the furthest reaches of Japanese psych, European free jazz, self-released indie folk, Irish lockdown angst, Moroccan raging punk and lots of other stuff. Contributors included Mason Jones, Jennifer Kelly, Bill Meyer, Tim Clarke, Bryon Hayes, Jonathan Shaw, Arthur Krumins and Chris Liberato. Stay cool.

Yuko Araki — End of Trilogy (Room40)

End Of Trilogy by Yuko Araki

These 16 tracks whoosh past in just 35 minutes, with most of them clocking in around two minutes in length. Many don't reach a conclusion: they simply end abruptly, and the next one starts. Araki manipulates electronics to create whirling, sizzling atmospheres of confusion, sometimes fast-moving burbles of percussion and synths, at other moments pushing distorted hissing and confrontational tones to the front. The aptly-named "Dazed" begins with a cinematic feel, then its galactic drones give way to static and metallic scrapes. "Positron in Bloom" is like a chorus of machine voices shouting angry curses into space, and "Dreaming Insects" sounds as if the titular creatures are being pulled downstream in fast-moving rapids. Oscillating between menacing and humorous, End of Trilogy's bite-sized pieces of surrealist electronics are never boring.

Mason Jones

Alexander Biggs — Hit or Miss (Native Tongue Music Publishing)

Hit or Miss by Alexander Biggs

Alexander Biggs blunts sharp, stinging lyrics in the sweetest sort of strummy indie-pop, working very much in the Elliott Smith style of sincerity edged with lacerating irony. “All I Can Do Is Hate You” finds a queasy intersection between soft pop and tamped down rage, Biggs murmuring phrases like “I want you to fuck me til I can’t say your name,” but melodically, over cascades of acoustic guitar. “Madeline” is the pick of the litter here, a dawdling jangle of guitar framing knife-sharp lyrics about romantic disillusionment. “Miserable,” sports a bit of lap steel for emotional resonance, demonstrating once more, if you had any doubt, that very sad songs can make you feel better somehow. Biggs is good at both the softness and the sting, and for guy-with-a-guitar albums, that’s what you need.

Jennifer Kelly

Christer Bothén 3 — Omen (Bocian)

Omen by Christer Bothén 3

Dusted’s collective consciousness has spent a lot of time considering Blank Forms’ recent publication, Organic Music Societies, which considers Don and Moki Cherry’s convergence of artistic and familial efforts during the 1960s and 1970s, as well as the two archival recordings by Don and associates, which shed light upon his Scandinavian musical activities. All three are worth your attention, but their liveliness is shaded by the awareness that almost every hopeful soul involved is no longer with us. But Christer Bothén, who introduced Don to the donso ngoni and subsequently played in his bands for many years, is not only among the living, he’s got breath to spare. This trio recording doesn’t delve into the African sounds that bonded Bothén and Don. Rather, the Swede’s bass clarinet draws bold and emphatically punctuated melodic lines, driven by a steaming rhythm section that takes its cues from Ornette Coleman’s mid-1960s trio recordings. This music may not sound new, but it’s full of lived-in knowledge and vigor.

Bill Meyer

Briars of North America — Supermoon (Brassland)

Supermoon by Briars of North America

New York-based trio Briars of North America take patient, painterly, occasionally cosmic approach to folk music. With “Sala,” Supermoon sounds like a backwoods Sigur Ros. A falsetto voice intoning a made-up language arcs elegantly over sustained waves of electric piano. Soon after, the album touches down into more grounded guitar-and-cello territory on pieces such as “Island” and “Chirping Birds,” which bring to mind Nick Drake, albeit less contrary or withdrawn. At the album’s midway point, the listener is carried into the aether with the eerie sustained brass and wordless vocals of the eight-minute “The Albatross of Infinite Regress.” A similar space is explored at the album’s end with the 12-minute “Sleepy Not Sleepy,” as strings and warbling synthesizer tones intermingle with the return of the made-up language. Though the band’s more conventional vocal-led songs, such as “Spring Moon,” are decent enough, Briars of North America touch upon something expansive and ineffable when they explore their more experimental side.

Tim Clarke

Bryan Away — Canyons to Sawdust (self-released)

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Chicago-based actor, composer and multi-instrumentalist Elliot Korte releases music under the moniker Bryan Away. His new album, Canyons to Sawdust, begins with what feels like two introductions. “Well Alright Then” is a Grizzly Bear-style scene-setter for wordless voices, strings and woodwinds, while “Within Reach” sounds like a tentative cover of Radiohead’s “Pyramid Song” that runs out of steam before it had the chance to build momentum. The first full song, single “The Lake,” gets the album up and running in earnest with its melancholy piano and string arrangement spiked with pizzicato plucks and bright acoustic guitar figures. Half Waif lends her vocal talents to “Dreams and Circumstance,” another highlight featuring some lovely interplay between guitar arpeggios and drum machine. One pitfall of exploring romantic musical territory is the risk of sounding a tad saccharine, and the weakest links in the album, companion tracks “Scenes From a Marriage” and “Scenes From a Wedding,” have the kind of performative tone you’d expect to find on the soundtrack of a mainstream romantic comedy. Elsewhere, though, Korte’s judgment is sound, and there’s plenty of elegant music to be found. Fans of Sufjan Stevens will no doubt find a lot to like, and it’ll be interesting to see where Bryan Away ventures next.

Tim Clarke

Jonas Cambien Trio — Nature Hath Painted Painted The Body (Clean Feed)

Nature Hath Painted the Body by Jonas Cambien Trio

On its third album, the Jonas Cambien Trio has attained such confidence that it’s willing to mess with its signature sound. The Oslo-based combo’s fundamental approach is to stuff the expressive energy and textural adventure of free jazz into compositions that are by turns intricate and rhythmically insistent but always pithy. This time, the Belgian-born pianist Cambien also plays soprano sax and organ. The former, stirred into André Roligheten’s bundle of reed instruments, brings airy respite from the music’s tight structures; the latter, dubbed into locked formation with the piano and jostled by Andreas Wildhagen’s restlessly perambulating percussion, expands the music’s tonal colors. The tunes themselves have grown more catchy, so much so that their twists and turns only become apparent with time and repeat listening.

Bill Meyer

Ferran Fages / Lluïsa Espigolé — From Grey To Blue (Inexhaustible Editions)

From Grey To Blue by Ferran Fages

When discussion turns to a pianist’s touch, it’s tempting to think mainly of what they do with their fingers. But it must be said that Lluïsa Espigolé exhibits some next-level footwork on this realization of Ferran Fages’ From Grey To Blue. Fages is a multi-instrumentalist who functions equally persuasively within the realms of electroacoustic improvisation and heavy jazz-rock, but for this piece, which was devised specifically for Espigolé, he uses written music and an instrument he doesn’t play, the piano, to engage with resonance and melody. The three-part composition advances with extreme deliberation, often one note at a time, turning the tune into a ghostly presence and foregrounding the details of the decay of each sound. This music is so sparse that the shift to chords in the third section feels dramatically dense after a half hour of single sounds and corresponding silences. The elements of this music have been sculpted with such exquisite control that one wonders if Catalonia has looked into insuring Espigolé’s feet; her way with the piano’s pedals is a cultural resource.

Bill Meyer

Grandbrothers — All the Unknown (City Slang)

All the Unknown by Grandbrothers

The duo known as Grandbrothers hooks a grand piano up to an array of electronic interfaces, deriving not just the clear, gorgeous notes you expect, but also a variety of percussive and sustained sounds from the classic keyboard. In this third album from the two—that’s pianist Erol Sarp and electronic engineer Lukas Vogel—construct intricate, joyful collages, working clarion melodies into sharp, pointillist backgrounds. The obvious reference is Hauscka, who also works with prepared piano and electronics, but rather than his moody beauties, these compositions pulse with rave-y, trance-y exhilaration. If you ever wondered what it would sound like if the Fuck Buttons decided to cover Steve Reich, well, maybe like this, precise and complex and shimmering, but also huge and triumphant. Good stuff.

Jennifer Kelly

id m theft able — Well I Fell in Love with the Eye at the Bottom of the Well (Pogus Productions)

Well I Fell in Love With the Eye at the Bottom of the Well by id m theft able

Al Margolis’ Pogus Productions imprint has cast its gaze toward the strange happenings in Maine, netting a mutant form of electroacoustic wizardry in the process. Scott Spear is the one-man maelstrom known as id m theft able, an incredibly prolific and confounding presence in the American northeast. He draws influence from musique concrète and sound poetry, but adds a whimsical spirit, a tinker’s ingenuity and the comedic timing of a master prankster to his compositions. Sometimes this leads to the bemusement of his audience, but he tempers any surface madness with an endless curiosity and a playful sense of the meaning of the word music. Well I Fell in Love with the Eye at the Bottom of the Well ostensibly came to be via Spear’s desire to create a doo-wop tune. Only Spear himself knows whether this is fact or fiction, because it is clear from the opening moments of “Shun, Unshun and Shun” that this disc is full of sonic non-sequiturs, amplified clatter and delightful mouth happenings that are as far removed from doo-wop as possible. The madness is frequently tempered with beautiful moments: a broken music box serenades a flock of chirping birds in the middle of a mall, Spear hypnotically chants at a landscape of crickets, flutes pipe along to the patter of rain on a window. As one gets deeper into the record, the sound poetry aspects become more and more pronounced, such as on “The Curve of the Earth” and the closing piece, “Purple Rain.” Those seeking a humor-filled gateway drug into that somewhat perilous corner of the sonic spectrum would be wise to pop an ear in the direction of this frenetic assemblage of sound.

Bryon Hayes

Mia Joy — Spirit Tamer (Fire Talk)

Spirit Tamer by Mia Joy

Mia Joy turns the temperature way down on gauzy Spirit Tamer, constructing translucent castles in the air out of musical elements that you can see and hear right through. The artist, known in real life as Mia Rocha, opens with a brief statement of intent in a one-minute title track that wraps wisps of vocal melody with indistinct but lovely sustained tones. The whole track feels like looking at clouds. Other cuts are more substantial, with muted rock band instruments like acoustic and electric guitars and drum machines, but even indie-leaning “Freak” and "Ye Old Man,” are quiet epiphanies. Rocha sounds like she is singing to herself softly, inwardly, without any thought of an audience, but also so close that it tickles the hair in your ears. Rocha closes with a cover of Arthur Russell’s “Our Last Night Together,” letting rich swells of piano stand in for cello, but tracing the subtle, undulating lines of his melody in an airy register, an octave or two higher. Like Russell, Rocha sets up an interesting interplay between deep introversion and presentation for the public eye; she’s not doing it for us, but we’re listening anyway.

Jennifer Kelly

Know//Suffer — The Great Dying (Silent Pendulum Records)

The Great Dying by KNOW//SUFFER

It’s not inaccurate to describe The Great Dying as a hardcore record. You’ll hear all the burly breakdowns; buzzing, overdriven guitars; and grimly declaimed vocals that characterize the genre, which since the mid-1990s has moved ever closer to metal. But Know//Suffer have consistently infused their music with sonic elements associated with other genres of heavy music. Most of the El Paso band’s 2019 EP bashed and crashed along with grindcore’s psychotic, sprinting energy. The Great Dying is a longer record, and it slows down the proceedings considerably. There are flirtations with sludge, and even with noise rock’s ambivalent gestures toward melody: imagine Tad throwing down with a mostly-sober version of Eyehategod, and you’re more than halfway there. As ever, Toast Williams emotes forcefully, giving word to a very contemporary version existential dread. But there’s frequently a political edge to the lyrics on this new record. On “Thumbnail,” he sings, “I swallow what must be hidden / Hoping assimilation makes me whole / The whole that everyone thinks I am / Smiling under this mask knowing / I’m not hiding my face in public.” “Assimilation” is a loaded word, especially on the Southern Border, and it’s no joke walking around in public as a proud black man anywhere in Texas. Wearing a mask as you walk into Target? P.O.C. stand a chance of getting shot. Know//Suffer still sound really pissed off, but the objects of their anger seem increasing outside of their tortured psyches, located in the lifeworld’s social planes of struggle. That gives their grim music an even harder charge, and makes Williams’s performances of rage even more powerful.

Jonathan Shaw

Heimito Künst — Heimito Künst (Dissipatio)

HEIMITO KÜNST by Heimito Künst

The debut album from Italian experimental instrumentalist Heimito Künst, recorded over several years in his home studio, uses an array of electronic and primitive instrumentation to create an overall woozy, dark atmosphere. From groaning, atonal slabs of organ, like a detuned church service, to murmuring field recordings and scrapings, these seven tracks are less like songs and more like unsettling journeys through sound. Pieces like "Talking to Ulises" blend quiet Farfisa tones and a wordlessly singing voice in the distance. Ironically, although the final track is titled "Smoldering Life", it's unexpectedly brighter, with major-key synth notes over the cloudy sound of a drum being bashed to pieces before ending with an almost gentle, summertime feel.

Mason Jones

Jeanne Lee — Conspiracy (moved-by-sound)

Conspiracy by JEANNE LEE

Lots of 1960s and 1970s jazz reissues offer beautiful music, but few redefine how liberating improvised music can be. Conspiracy, originally recorded in 1974 by Lee on vocals with an ensemble that includes Sam Rivers and Gunter Hampel, falls into the latter category without feeling forced. It combines sound poetry, the conversation of spontaneity, and grooves that don’t stay on repetition but still get ingrained into your brain somehow. Best digested in a contemplative sitting, the album demands you give your whole attention to the direction of the music and words mixed with extended vocal techniques. The sound shifts from a full-on medley of flutes, drums, bass and horns with voice, to more minimal experiments. The recording is clean and uncluttered, even at its busiest. A lushly enjoyable listen.

Arthur Krumins

Sarah Neufeld — Detritus (Paper Bag)

Detritus by Sarah Neufeld

Sarah Neufeld’s third solo album grew out of a collaboration with the Toronto choreographer Peggy Baker, begun before the pandemic but dealing anyway with loss, intimacy and grief. The violinist and composer works, as a consequence with a strong sense of movement, underlining rhythms with repeated, slashing motifs in her own instrument and pounding drums (that’s Jeremy Gara, who, like Neufeld, plays in Arcade Fire). You can imagine movement to nearly all these songs. “With Love and Blindness” rushes forward in a wild swirl of strings, given weight by the buzz of low-toned synthesizer and airiness in the layer of denatured vocals; you see whirling, bending, graceful gestures. “The Top” proceeds in quicker, more playful patterns; agile kicks and jumps and shimmies are implied in its contours. “Tumble Down the Undecided” has a raw, passionate undertow, its play of octave-separated notes frantic and agitated and the drumming, when it comes, fairly gallops. This latter track is perhaps the most enveloping, the notes caroming wildly in all directions, in the thick of the struggle but full of joy.

Jennifer Kelly

Aaron Novik — Grounded (Astral Editions)

Grounded by Aaron Novik

Aaron Novik is a clarinetist with an extensive background in jazz, klezmer, rock and in-between stuff, but you wouldn’t know any of that from listening to this tape. Its ten numbered instrumentals sound more derived from the sound worlds of 1970s PBS documentaries, Residents records of similar vintage, and Pop Corn’s fluke hit, “Pop Corn.” Recorded during the spring of 2020, when Novik’s new neighborhood, Queens, became NYC’s COVID central, it manifests coping strategy that many people learned well last year; when the outside world is fucked and scary, retreat to a room and then head down a rabbit hole. In this case, that meant sampling Novik’s clarinets and arranging them into perky, bobbing instrumentals. The sounds themselves aren’t processed, but it turns out that when recontextualized, long, blown tones and keypad clatter sound a lot like synths and mechanized beats. There’s a hint of subconscious longing in this music. While it was made in a time and place when many people didn’t leave the house, it sounds like just the thing for outdoor constitutionals with a Walkman.

Bill Meyer

Off Peak Arson — S-T (Self-released)

Self Titled by Off Peak Arson

Presumably named after the Truman's Water song — a fairly obscure name check, indeed — Off Peak Arson hail from Memphis, TN. Their debut EP's five songs are less reminiscent of their namesakes than of heavier, noisier bands like Zedek-era Live Skull, Dustdevils and Sonic Youth. Which is not a bad thing at all. The four-piece leverage the dual guitars to nicely intense effect, and with all four members contributing vocals there's a lot going on, at times blending an interesting sing-song pop feel with the twisty-noisy guitar. The band have a way of finding memorable hooks amidst sufficient cacophony to keep things challenging while also somehow catchy. Keep your ears open for more from this quartet.

Mason Jones

Barre Phillips / John Butcher / Ståle Liavik Solberg — We Met – And Then (Relative Pitch)

We met - and then by Phillips, Butcher, Solberg

In 2018, ECM Records issued End To End, a CD by double bassist Barre Phillips which capped a half-century of solo recording. You might expect this act to signal the winding down of the California-born, France-based improviser’s career; after all, he was born in 1934. And yet, in 2018 he played the first, but not the last, concert by this remarkable trio, which is completed by British soprano/tenor saxophonist John Butcher and Norwegian percussionist Ståle Liavik Solberg. Recorded in Germany and Norway during 2018 and 2019, this CD presents an ensemble whose members are strong in their individual concepts, but are also committed to making music that is completed by acts of collective imagination. The music is in constant flux, but purposeful. This intentionality is expressed not only through action, but through the conscious yielding of space, as though each player knows what openings will be best occupied by one of their comrades.

Bill Meyer

Round Eye — Culture Shock Treatment (Paper +Plastick)

“Culture Shock Treatment,” the lead-off track from this unhinged and ecletic album, swings like 1950s rock and roll, a sax frolicking in the spaces between sing-along choruses. And yet, the gleeful skronk goes a little past freewheeling, spinning off into chaos and wheeling back in again. Picture Mark Sultan trying to ride out the existential disorder of early Pere Ubu, add a horn line and step way back, because this is extremely unruly stuff. Round Eye, a band of expatriates now living in Shanghai, slings American heartlands oddball post-punk into unlikely corners. Frantic jackhammer hardcore beats (think Black Flag) assault free-from experimental calls and responses (maybe Curlew?) in “5000 Miles, “ and as a kicker, it’s a commentary on ethno-nationalist repression (“Thank…the country. Thank…the culture”). “I Am the Foreigner” hums and buzzes with exuberance, like a hard-edged B-52s, but it’s about the alienation that these Westerners most likely experience, every day in the Middle Kingdom. This is one busy album, exhausting really, a whac-a-mole entertainment where things keep popping out of holes and getting hammered back, but it is never, ever dull.

Jennifer Kelly

So Cow — Bisignis (Dandy Boy)

Bisignis by So Cow

This new So Cow record is a mood. Specifically, that mood during the third and “least fun” of Ireland’s lockdowns, when you head to your shed and bash out an album about everything that’s been lodged in your craw during a year of isolation — including, of all things, the crowd at a Martha Wainwright show (on “Requests”). And while sole Cow member Brian Kelly might have dubbed the record Bisignis, the Old English word for anxiety, it’s his discontent that takes center stage. “Talking politics with friends/Jesus Christ it never ends” Kelly sings on early highlight “Leave Group” before employing a guitar solo that could pass for some seriously fried bagpipes to help clear the room. This album takes the opposite approach of The Long Con, the project’s 2014 Goner Records one-off where So Cow made more complex moves towards XTC and Futureheads territory but obscured its greatest weapon: Kelly’s deadpan wit. And while a couple of these songs overstay their welcome with their sheer garage punk simplicity, others like “Somewhere Fast” work in the opposite way and win your ears over with repeat listens. “You are the reason I’m getting out of my own way,” Kelly sings, and in doing so has produced the project’s best full-length in a decade. So what? So Cow!

Chris Liberato

Taqbir — Victory Belongs to Those Who Fight for a Right Cause (La Vida Es Un Mus)

Victory Belongs To Those Who Fight For A Right Cause by Taqbir

In our super-saturated musical environment, another eight-minute, 7” record of scorching punk burners isn’t much of an event. But the appearance of Taqbir’s Victory Belongs to Those Who Fight for a Right Cause (the title is almost longer than the record itself) is at the very least a significant occurrence. The band comes from Morocco and features a woman out front, declaiming any number of contemporary socio-political ills. So there’s little wonder that the Internet isn’t bursting with info about Taqbir; you can find a Maximumrocknroll interview, some chatter about the record here and there, and not much else. It must take enormous courage to make music like this in Morocco, and even more to be a woman making music like this. The long reign of King Mohammed IV has edged the country toward marginal increments of cultural openness — if not thoroughgoing political reform — but conservative Islam and economic struggle are still dominant forces, combining to keep women relegated to submissive social roles. And the band is not fucking around: their name is a Moroccan battle cry, synonymous with “Alu Akbar!” Their repurposing of that slogan in support of their anti-traditionalist, anti-religious, anti-capitalist positions likely makes life in a place like Tangier or Casablanca pretty hard. The songs? They’re really good. Check out “Aisha Qandisha” (named for a folkloric phantasm that ambiguously mobilizes the feminine as murderous and rapacious monster): the music slashes and burns with just the right dash of melody, the vocals go from a simmer to a full-on rolling boil. Taqbir! y’all. Stay safe, stay strong and make some more records.

Jonathan Shaw

TOMÁ — Atom (Self-Release)

Atom by TOMÁ

Tomá Ivanov operates in interstices between smooth jazz and soul-infused electronics, splicing bits of torchy world traditions in through the addition of singers. You could certainly draw connections to the funk-leaning IDM of artists like Flying Lotus and Dam-Funk, where pristine instrumental sounds—strings, piano, percussion—meet the pop and glitch of cyber-soul. Guest artists flavor about half the tracks, pushing the music slightly off its center towards rap (“A Different You featuring I Am Tim”), quiet storm soul (“Outsight featuring Vivian Toebich”), falsetto’d art pop (“Catharsis featuring Lou Asril”) or dreaming soul-jazz experiments (“Blind War featuring Ben LaMar Gay”). Thoughout, the Bulgarian composer and guitarist paces expansive ambiences with shuffling, staggering beats, roughing up slick surfaces with just enough friction to keep things interesting.

Jennifer Kelly

The Tubs — Names EP (Trouble In Mind)

Names EP by The Tubs

“I don’t know how it works” declared The Tubs on their debut single, but they’re diving right in anyways on its follow-up, Names, with four songs that explore the self and self-other relationship. Their cover of Felt’s “Crystal Ball” tightens the musical tension of the original in places but still allows enough slack for singer Owen Williams to stretch the lyrical refrain — about the ability of another to see us better than we see ourselves — into a more melancholy shape than Lawrence. Of the EP’s three originals, Felt’s influence is most obvious in George Nicholls’ guitar work on “Illusion,” especially when the change comes and his lead spirals off Deebank-style behind Williams while he questions his connection to his own reflection. “Is it just an illusion staring back at me?” “The Name Song” is the longest one here at over three minutes, and in a similar way to The Feelies, it feels like it could go on forever, which might prove useful if Williams adds more names to his don’t-care-about list. “Two Person Love” is the best track of the bunch, though, with its classic sounding riff that swoops in and out allowing room for the chiming and chugging rhythm section to do the hard work. The relationship in the song might have been “pissed up the wall,” as Williams in his Richard Thompson-esque drawl puts it, but The Tubs certainly seem to have figured out how this music thing works.

Chris Liberato

Venus Furs — S-T (Silk Screaming)

Venus Furs by Venus Furs

Venus Furs sounds like band, but in fact, it’s one guy, Paul Krasner, somehow amassing the squalling roar of psychedelic guitar rock a la Brian Jonestown Massacre or Royal Baths all by himself. These songs have a large-scale swagger and layers and layers of effected guitars, as on the careening “Friendly Fire,” or hailstorm assault of “Paranoia.” A ponderous, swaying bass riff girds “Living in Constant.” Its nodding repetition grounds radiating sprays of surf guitar. You have to wonder how all this would play out in concert, with Krasner running from front mic to bass amp to drum kit as the songs unfold, but on record it sounds pretty good. Long live self-sufficiency.

Jennifer Kelly

Witch Vomit — Abhorrent Rapture (20 Buck Spin)

Abhorrent Rapture by Witch Vomit

Witch Vomit has one of the best names in contemporary death metal (along with Casket Huffer, Wharflurch and Snorlax — perversely inspired handles, all), and the Portland-based band has been earning increasing accolades for its records, as well. They are deserved. Witch Vomit plays fast, dense and dissonant songs, bearing the impress of Incantation’s groundbreaking (gravedigging?) records. Does that mean it’s “old school”? Song titles from the band’s previous LP Buried Deep in a Bottomless Grave (2019) certainly played to traditionalists’ tastes: “From Rotten Guts,” “Dripping Tombs,” “Fumes of Dying Bodies.” And so on. This new EP doesn’t indicate any significant changes in trajectory or tone, but the songwriting makes the occasional move toward melody. See especially the second half of “Necrometamorphosis,” which has a riff or two that one could almost call “pleasant.” If that seems paradoxical, check out the EP’s title. Is that an event, a gruesome skewing of Christianity’s big prize for the faithful? Or is it an affective state, in which abject disgust somehow builds to ecstatic transport? Who knows. For the band’s part, Witch Vomit keeps chugging, thumping and squelching along, doling out doleful songs like “Purulent Burial Mound.” Yuck. Sounds about right, dudes.

Jonathan Shaw

yes/and — s-t (Driftless Recordings)

yes/and by yes/and

This collaboration between guitarist Meg Duffy (Hand Habits) and producer Joel Ford (Oneohtrix Point Never) is an elusive collection of shape-shifting instrumentals. Each piece is built around Duffy’s guitar, yet the timbre and mood tends to switch dramatically between tracks. The album’s run-time is fairly evenly split between dark, atmospheric pieces, such as “More Than Love” and “Making A Monument,” and hopeful, glimmering miniatures, such as “Centered Shell” and the wonderfully titled “In My Heaven All Faucets Are Fountains.” “Learning About Who You Are” looms large at the album’s heart, as nearly eight minutes of hazy, wind-tunnel drone pulses and reverberates across the stereo space. Despite the variation in tone, each track stakes out its own territory in the tracklist, and it’s only “Tumble” that comes across as an unrealized idea. While it’s only half an hour, yes/and feels longer, its circuitous routes opening up all kinds of possibilities.

Tim Clarke

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kissjane · 4 years ago

Note

Okay but listen. Could you ever write a tiny little sequel to "set up" where davenzi are just cuddling in bed and Matteo confesses that he actually has been at the datespot and just felt intimidated by David?

And maybe where he tells him the reality of his last relationship?

Sure!

Matteo doesn’t know what woke him, and it takes him a minute to get his bearings. He is disoriented and warm, and something heavy but soft is laying against him. Only when he notices the flickering light of the tv screen does he realize he fell asleep watching a movie with –

David.

He now realizes the warm weight on his shoulder and chest is David.

He stills his movement, not wanting to wake the boy up. In the dim room he can make out David’s face, relaxed and open. His fingers ache to touch the curly hair, but he hesitates, afraid of being too forward, of messing things up before they even properly started.

The evening has been wonderful. They talked, and laughed, and joked, and maybe even flirted a bit – though Matteo doesn’t want to get ahead of himself. David is perfect. Matteo can’t believe he is here, sleeping almost in Matteo’s arms, after he has stood him up earlier. He would have missed out on this soft-spoken, caring boy.

God. Matteo knows he is moving way too fast, but he can feel himself falling for David already, and it is not frightening at all. It feels right, it feels safe, it feels like it is meant to be. And to think he might have never even met David, because he was too much of a coward to walk up to him earlier.

He needs to thank Jonas for giving David his address. He needs to thank David for coming over.

Right when Matteo has reached this conclusion, David stirs. He wakes, slowly, and stretches his arms above his head, knocking Matteo in the shoulder.

“Oh, shit, sorry,” David mumbles, his voice hoarse with sleep – and it just might be the sexiest sound Matteo has ever heard.

“Thanks,” Matteo blurts out, and David laughs. It is not mean, however, or deprecating, and Matteo relishes the teasing lilt to David’s voice when he speaks again.

“Do you always thank people for hitting you?”

“No, that’s not what I was thanking you for,” he replies, a bit embarrassed. “I meant, uh… You coming over here. I shouldn’t have left the café like that. You should have been angry with me, and instead, you brought our date here. So, uh, yeah. Thank you.”

“You were there?”, David asks, softly. “At the coffee shop?”

“Uh, yeah.”

It is silent for a moment.

“Why did you leave then?”, David whispers then. “Were you… Did I disappoint you?”

He suddenly sounds unsure, vulnerable, and it is such a change to the confident David appearing at Matteo's door that it throws him off for a second. Then David’s words get through to him and he protests immediately, vehemently.

“No!”, and then, calmer, “No, that’s not – I thought I would disappoint you…”

They look at each other, dark eyes meeting blue. Matteo takes a deep breath.

“I thought – I thought you were out of my league. And I – I was so nervous, I’ve never really been on a first date, and I was afraid of fucking up. And I have only ever had one boyfriend, and it didn’t actually go all that well, and – well. I was afraid, that’s all.”

He shuts his mouth, overly conscious he is rambling, half sure that David will not be interested in him anymore after his embarrassing confessions.

Then David moves, and Matteo knows he is going to get up, leave – but he doesn’t do any of these things. He cuddles up closer to Matteo, and Matteo almost automatically puts his arms around David, and David hums with contentment.

“Jonas said something about an asshole ex. I’m so sorry to hear that.”

Matteo nods, and his chin ends up resting on David’s head. This time he gives in to the urge to slide his fingers through the curls, and in the dark, he finally finds the courage to tell somebody what happened.

“Jonas thinks I broke up with my ex because he cheated. But in fact, he cheated, and then told me it was my own fault, because I couldn’t satisfy him, and then he left me.”

The words are spoken softly, slowly, but they hold so much power. It is freeing, to finally admit it out loud, to let go of some of the control they held over Matteo.

David lifts his head.

“What a fucking asshole,” he says, looking straight at Matteo.

“Yeah, well.” Matteo shrugs. “Just so you have all the facts from the start, I guess.”

He laughs, his usual self-deprecating laugh, but David shakes his head.

“I doubt that. I – I worry I might not be able to satisfy you, if we ever – you know…”

Matteo hadn’t even dared think that far ahead. They haven’t even kissed yet – although he thinks they will, soon. He has a feeling it will blow his mind. And David talking about going even further makes his blood thump through his veins.

“Why would you ever think such a thing?”, he murmurs, his lips very close to David’s cheeks. “I don’t believe that.”

Because he is so close, he sees David’s breath hitch, and something appears in his eyes – is it fear? Uncertainty?

“I have a secret, too,” David breathes against Matteo’s shirt. “All the facts on the table, then. I – I am transgender.”

He waits, his breath bated, his eyes down.

And Matteo is not the most educated person on these matters, but he already knows he couldn’t care less.

“Okay”, he says, simply, worried it might not be enough, but David lifts his eyes, and now they shine with something deep and wild and inviting.

“Okay,” David replies, and it makes Matteo feel like he has just conquered an entire empire, climbed Mount Everest, slain the dragon, freed the princess – or the prince. He feels invincible.

“It’s late,” he says, and lets his voice trail off.

David nods.

“I don’t feel like going home.”

“Stay?”

They don’t speak after that.

They take quick turns in the bathroom, reluctant to let go of each other, and then they carve out a spot under the blankets in Matteo’s bed. And then, finally, covered up completely, in a world of their own, their lips find each other.

#I write things #sequel #Davenzi #all the davenzi shipping anons #asked!

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our-time-is-now · 4 years ago

Text

July 12, 2019 (4): Made it!

(previous play)

You can find more information about the authors, translators, content warning and additional information about the plays in the pinned post on our blog.

Attention! This play includes transgender topics. For more details see our interjection.

Friday, 6:03 pm:

David: *they have actually finished building the raft faster than they thought they would, but since toward the end a trunk had fallen on Carlos’ foot and Kiki had also insisted on doing a game night that evening, they decided to have the maiden voyage the following day* *went back to the cabin with the boys and they were greeted by Amira, Sam and Kiki, who told them that dinner would be ready in half an hour and that they could already set the table* *can’t deny that after working on the raft, his ribs already hurt a little because of the binder and he usually would assume that it would get better again if he has a quiet evening, but he still has his plan in the back of his mind and after checking the time he realizes that he has been wearing the binder for almost eight hours* *asks the other guys if he can get out of helping them set the table and instead have a quick shower because he’s sweaty from building the raft, and when the guys don’t mind, he quickly runs to the tent to get some clean clothes and his towel* *showers and then suddenly feels his heart start to race when it’s time to get dressed without putting the binder back on* *has to think about Alex’ words that distraction might help and starts to hum some song so that he doesn’t think about it too much* *puts on shorts first, then an undershirt, a loose t-shirt and a loose hoodie jacket and then looks at himself in the mirror* *feels his heart race at the thought of having to go outside to the others in a moment and nervously clenches his fists* *leans forward and back and tugs on the hoody* *flinches when he hears Hanna loudly calling out that dinner’s ready and takes a deep breath* *tries to sing some song in his head again and leaves the bathroom* *immediately sits down at the table and leans his elbows on the table so that the hoodie is positioned to his advantage* *then meets Hanna’s gaze, who is putting down the potatoes on the table, and probably realizes straight away what he has just brought himself to do due to his hoodie* *sees her smile encouragingly and tries to smile back at her, which he doesn’t quite manage* *takes a deep breath and tries to somehow relax* *searchingly looks around for Matteo*

Matteo: *leaves the cabin with a bowl and grins when he sees David already sitting at the table looking really good as always with his hair still damp* *puts the bowl down and only then notices that David is wearing a jacket and that he’s also sitting differently than he usually does* *looks at him questioningly but then sees his look, which is somehow tense* *immediately walks around the table and runs a hand over his back just to be sure* *feels so relieved that he did this, but is also proud of how brave that is* *presses a kiss to his cheek and whispers* You’re the best!

David: *meets Matteo’s gaze and tries to smile again, which he manages a little better this time* *but is apparently still not able to really hide how tense he is* *feels Matteo’s hand on his back and the kiss on his cheek and hears his words, but doesn’t really trust his voice right now and only shakes his head at Matteo’s words* *just wants to get the night over with somehow, hoping that the next one and the one after that might be easier* *is glad when finally everyone is sitting at the table and the guys immediately start a conversation about the building of the raft and therefore no one really pays him any mind at first* *puts some potatoes and vegetable on his plate with slightly shaky hands and holds his plate out to Matteo when he grabs some sausages so that he’ll also grab some for him* *feels like somehow everyone is looking at him and still isn’t able to relax even after he checked and realized that this isn’t the case* *can hear Jonas in the background: “Anyways, it really should be seaworthy. If it isn’t able to float for some reason, we have to put something underneath it that floats. Empty barrels or something like that…”*

Matteo: *puts two sausages on David’s plate and then hands it back to him* *shakes his head at Jonas’ statement* Nonsense, if it doesn’t float then you can jump in and pull it! *grins slightly and looks at David to see if he also thought that it was funny* *but instead sees that David hasn’t really been listening and is instead staring at his plate* *carefully runs his hand over his back and leaves his hand on his shoulder blade hoping that this will help him relax* *says very quietly* Hey… no one’s looking…

David: *can’t really concentrate on the conversation between the guys but gets pulled out of his thoughts when he feels Matteo’s hand on his back and finally starts to eat* *realizes that his heart is still beating really fast and doesn’t even know how he will be able to eat anything due to all the nervousness* *nods at Matteo’s words* *knows this and takes a deep breath hoping to somehow calm down* *puts a forkful of potato in his mouth and chews it bravely* *barely hears Carlos complaining a little that his foot is still swollen and that he hopes that he’ll even be able to participate in the maiden voyage tomorrow and Abdi promising that they’ll carry him to the raft if they have to* *then hears the boys continue talking about them building the raft and some questions and amused comments from the girls* *eventually hears Abdi ask: “Hey, David, Brudi, are you okay? You’re so quiet…”* *immediately feels his heartbeat pick up again when he realizes that he’s talking to him and also feels himself blushing* *clears his throat and then answers with a fake smile* No, no, everything’s okay. I’m just tired somehow… *sees that some of the others are now looking at him, after all, and gets tense and starts tugging on his hoodie*

Matteo: *can of course feel David immediately getting tense when Abdi addresses him and even more so when a few more sets of eyes are directed toward him* *therefore talks to Abdi to distract him* Did you already think about where you want to sit on the raft? In the front? Back? Middle? *hears Abdi answer: “In the front, of course, I’m the helmsman!"* *sees Carlos lift his eyebrows: “Doesn’t the helmsman usually sit in the back?"* *then is surprised to hear Alex join in as well, but turns back to David again* *asks quietly* Is there anything I can do?

David: *is incredibly grateful to Matteo that he’s trying to deflect the attention from him an relaxes a tiny bit once he realizes that it seems to work and that they started a discussion about what kinds of jobs and positions there will be on the raft and which ones there are on normal boats* *cuts his sausage into pieces but can’t really bring himself to put a piece into his mouth* *then hears Matteo’s question and immediately shakes his head* *quietly says* I don’t think so… *slightly shrugs his shoulders and tries to smile* Maybe it’ll get better once it’s dark… or tomorrow… *stops when he realizes that his voice is shaking a little* *wonders why it’s /this/ difficult for him – didn’t really expect that - he did expect that he’d feel uncomfortable, but not that he’d be so tense, that his heartbeat would speed up like that, that he’d have to control his hands and his voice this much so that they wouldn’t shake* *but wants to follow through with it, so that Matteo doesn’t have to worry anymore, and grimaces slightly when he realizes that Matteo is probably also worried right now because he can’t manage to handle the situation better and suddenly feels the well-known flight-instinct and a lump in his throat*

Matteo: *hears David’s answer and also hears his voice shaking* *immediately feels a lump in his throat* *wants David to be okay and doesn’t want him to torture himself* *slightly runs his hand over his back and then says quietly* Then put it back on… *presses a kiss to his cheek and stays close to him* *really didn’t think that it would take such a toll on him and now feels bad again for urging him like that*

David: *immediately shakes his head when Matteo says that he should put the binder back on even though it’s really tempting to just do it* *but thinks that this wouldn’t solve the problem and has to admit that – apart from his rapid heartbeat and the weird shaking – he really feels better, physically speaking, since taking off the binder* *briefly clears his throat and quietly says to Matteo* I don’t want you to keep worrying about me… I’ll follow this through… *hears everyone laughing at that moment and can’t help but get a little more tense again* *but when he carefully looks up at the others, he realizes that Sam has knocked over her beer so that her shirt and her skirt are completely drenched* *from the corner of his eyes he can see her get up, probably to get changed, but then lowers his gaze again and stabs a sausage with his fork without bringing it to his mouth*

Matteo: *was a little afraid that he’s only doing it because of him and slightly shakes his head* And I don’t want you to fall out of your chair from fear… *then hears the laughter and feels David flinch* *says very tenderly* David, if you’re only doing this because of me, then it’s never going to work… then it’s no wonder you’re feeling even more uncomfortable… *squeezes him slightly* I appreciate it, really, but… *sighs* Oh, man, fuck, I just really wish I could take all that crap off your shoulders… *looks at him a little desperately*

David: *immediately shakes his head when Matteo suspects that he’s only doing it for him* *listens ho him and notices the lump in his throat getting bigger when he says that he would take it off his shoulders* *but also realizes that he has no energy for discussions like that and that he simply wants to get through this now so that hopefully it will get better over time* *looks at Matteo pleadingly and desperately* Matteo, please… I… can’t discuss this right now… I just want to… I don’t know… *clears his throat because his voice sounds hoarse and clenches his fingers around his fork* *shakes his head* I’m not doing it just because of you… I’m doing it because of us… and I really hope that it might get better over time… that I’ll get used to it at some point… but right now I can’t… is it okay if we talk about it later? Please! *feels like he might obsess over that feeling even more if he has to talk about it with Matteo right now* *notices that his mouth is really dry and nervously looks around for a bottle of water* *tugs at his hoodie while doing so*

Matteo: *listens to him and feels the lump getting bigger* *didn’t want him to feel even worse because of him* *quickly says* Yes, okay… I didn’t want to start a discussion… I… *presses his lips together* Just tell me if there’s anything I can do, ok? *feels that somehow anything he does or says when it comes to this topic is wrong* *now feels the urge to just run away, probably similar to David* *but only turns back to his plate* *but keeps his hand on David’s back and uses his other hand to eat*

David: *sees Matteo’s helpless look but somehow can’t really do anything to make him feel better* *after all, he doesn’t really know how to help himself* *nods and smiles slightly and gratefully at his words* *then leans a little to his side and presses a quick kiss to his cheek* *immediately starts tugging at the hoodie again to see if it sits correctly* *then finally pours himself some water and is just taking a sip when Sam returns – with a clean shirt and a clean skirt, spreading her arms, presenting herself and sitting back down* *hears her say: “Hey, David, I really don’t get how you can wear a hoodie during this weather – it’s way too warm!"* *almost chokes on his water, feels his heartbeat pick up immediately and can feel it getting harder to breathe regularly* *doesn’t have the slightest clue what he could say, when he suddenly hears Alex, who casually stretches himself and then reaches for his jacket hanging over the chair behind him: “I don’t know what you’re on about, Sam, I think it’s rather chilly today…”* *watches him a little stunned as he puts his jacket on and then hears Jonas’ chair scrape: “Right, Alex… now that you mention it. I’ll just go get a sweater, as well…”* *looks at him just as stunned and then at Hanna when she says: “Could you also bring me my cardigan, honey?”* *can’t help but to smile a little and even laughs quietly when Kiki eventually says: “I’ve been cold all evening… Carlos, would you also go and get me a jacket?"* *sees that it takes Carlos a little while to get it, but then sees him jump up immediately to go into the cabin* *hears Abdi: “Dude, what’s up with you people?" and sees Alex only shrug and tell Abdi: “Hand me the potatoes, please! I’m hungry!"*

Matteo: *freezes just like David when he hears Sam’s question* *wants to step in but can’t think of anything whatsoever* *then hears and sees Alex’ reaction and is really grateful* *sees and hears everyone join in and would love to hug every single one of them because they’re so awesome* *then rubs his hand over his arms and says to David* Seriously, you really could have brought me a jacket, as well… *sees Sam shake her head and hears her say: “You’re all insane!"* *only nods at that and looks over to Alex, who his happily eating his potatoes* *this time doesn’t put his hand on David’s back but instead on his leg under the table and squeezes it slightly* *then sees Jonas and Carlos come back out again, both of them wearing hoodies, and holding jackets for their girlfriends* *sees Hanna and Kiki immediately put the jackets on, sees them smile slightly and then continue eating* *then hears Hanna say to Kiki: “And which games exactly did you plan for the game night today? Games for 11 people are difficult, aren’t they?"*

David: *also grins at Matteo’s demand for a jacket and can still feel his heart beating fast but somehow still feels a little better* *immediately grabs Matteo’s hand when he puts it on his leg and holds onto it tightly* *looks at the others, the majority of the friends sitting there with jackets and hoodies despite the heat, and is so grateful, speechless and glad that he had talked to them about it yesterday and today, and that they knew about it and supported him* *throws Alex a grateful look when Hanna starts to talk about the game night and only sees him grin slightly, wink at him and then start a conversation with Mia* *hears Kiki’s answer: “Yes, I was thinking that we could maybe set up three game tables and then switch every now and then… I mean, if you feel like playing board games. If not, we can also play something like charades, Taboo or something in two teams." and Carlos’ answer: “Oh, I love Taboo! Let’s play Taboo!"* *feels like he can really slowly start to relax a little, loosens the grip around Matteo’s hand under the table and entwines their fingers instead* *tenderly runs his thumb over the back of his hand and looks at him, still a little insecure but with a smile* *then hears Carlos: “Hey, Davenzi. Taboo, yes or no? We need your votes!"* *turns his attention away from Matteo and towards Carlos* *clears his throat and then says* Taboo yes… *thinks that Taboo is definitely better than charades* *sees Carlos give him a thumbs-up and look at Matteo questioningly*

Matteo: *squeezes David’s hand when he holds onto it so tightly* *but can see in his look that he’s already feeling a little better and is incredibly relieved* *smiles back when David smiles at him and presses a quick and brief kiss onto his mouth* *wants to tell him that he’s proud of him when Carlos talks to them* *also nods* Yes to Taboo, no to anything that involves moving… *hears the others laugh and only then realizes that it’s typical for him* *but actually made that comment so that David doesn’t have to move too much* *hears Kiki clap her hands: “Okay, then Taboo it is, I’d say we’ll make 3 teams, 4, 4 and 3 or do you prefer two teams with 5 and 6?”* *shrugs one shoulder* 3 teams sounds good, doesn’t it?

David: *in the end, they had decided to only split into two teams, after all, because Carlos had complained so much that with three teams, you barely get the chance to play, and the rest more or less didn’t care* *they have cleaned the table and the kitchen together and he has felt really uncomfortable again because he had to get up, and felt like he’d be seen more than when he was sitting down* *but was really glad that no one made any more comments and just as glad when he finally was able to sit back down at the table* *is in one team with Matteo, Hanna, Jonas, Abdi and Amira and is sitting there for most of the evening with his arms crossed on the tabletop, because he realized that this is the position he feels safest in* *sometimes even forgets that he’s not wearing a binder, and tries to concentrate on the game when he does remember again and when he feels his heartbeat speed up and gets nervous because of it* *in the end they play four rounds – much to Carlos’ delight – with Abdi switching teams after every round so that each team has the chance to have 6 players* *in the end they finish with a 2:2 tie and Abdi insists that he’s the biggest winner, because he’s the only one that won 4 games* *when Sam falls asleep at the table at some point and Mia and Alex also disappear to their bed, he and Matteo decide to also go to their tent* *gets up and crosses his arms in front of his chest almost out of habit* *wishes all of them a good night and takes a deep breath when they finally walk away from the cabin toward their tent* *feels the tension fall off him with each step he takes* *grins slightly at Matteo and quietly and a little proudly says* Made it!

Matteo: *walks back toward the tent together with David* *sees him cross his arms in front of his chest* *but thinks that he did really well considering it had been the first night without binder* *also thought that it had gotten better the more time had passed* *beams at him when he hears him say “made it” and wraps an arm around his shoulder to pull him closer* Totally made it… you were awesome… *presses a kiss to his cheek* And sorry again, I didn’t want to stress you out at first…

David: *uncrosses his arms when Matteo puts an arm around his shoulder and instead wraps both arms around him* *beams when he praises him and is relieved and glad and proud and just feels good, himself* *also doesn’t want to think about the fact that tomorrow it might be just as difficult, but instead is glad that he has managed to get through tonight* *shakes his head when Matteo apologizes* It’s okay… it’s just that I was already stressed. Wasn’t your fault. It was just… my head was so full and at that moment I just couldn’t also think about something else… *stretches slightly and also presses a kiss to his cheek*

Matteo: *nods immediately* Yes, I get that… *grins slightly when he gets a kiss on his cheek* *stops and steps in front of him by wrapping his other arm around his neck, as well* *And now? Do you really wanna sleep? Or do you maybe want to celebrate a little? We could go for a swim or lie down on the jetty and do some totally sappy stargazing or… whatever you want to do? *lets his right hand slip into David’s hair while his left remains on his neck*

David: *is surprised for a moment when Matteo stops so suddenly, but then smiles when he also wraps his other arm around his neck* *smiles even more when he asks if they want to celebrate and tilts his head a little while he thinks about what he feels like doing* Hmmm… or all of that? *grins slightly* Let’s go for a swim first, then some totally sappy stargazing and then sleep? *presses his lips together and looks back toward the cabin for a moment, where the terrace is almost empty by now, and then back at Matteo* *quietly says* And we could maybe make some use of me being so brave right now and go for a swim without the swim binders? And you’ll promise me that you’ll chase away anyone that gets close to the water?

Matteo: *laughs slightly when he chooses all of it* All of it sounds good! *then hears his next suggestion and beams at him* You know I’d chase away anyone for you… *kisses him and then again* *grins a little cheekily* But I don’t really know if /I/ can even swim without a swim binder anymore… I’ve gotten so used to it… *then pulls one arm off him again and continues walking, past the tent toward the jetty*

David: *laughs quietly and nods ironically* *returns his kisses and wraps his arms around him a little tighter* *realizes that they haven’t really had a moment to themselves today since this morning and how much he missed it* *pulls away a little when he hears his words and grins* *pats his back* You’ll manage! *goes toward the jetty with him and briefly looks back at the cabin, but since it’s quiet there, he starts to take off his pants, hoodie and shirt* *keeps his boxers and undershirt on and takes Matteo’s hand* *steps to the edge of the jetty and smiles* On three?

Matteo: *goes to the jetty with David* *takes a little too much time watching David and therefore has to hurry a little when he’s almost done* *quickly pulls his shirt over his head and takes off his pants and then takes his hand* *nods in answer to his question* *but then grins a little cheekily for a moment* *yells “3” and pulls him with him when he jumps* *involuntarily lets go of his hand when they enter the water* *resurfaces and immediately looks around for David* *grins when he sees him and takes two strokes toward him* *looks back to the jetty, or more to the grass behind it, to see if anyone’s coming* *can’t really see much in the dark, but thinks that he would probably still be able to see movement* *grins slightly* The coast’s clear…

David: *was just about to start counting when Matteo already pulls him into the lake* *dives in with him and loses Matteo’s hand in the process* *re-emerges again laughing quietly and says* Hey! Foul play! *wraps his arm around Matteo’s waist when he comes closer and waits until he has made sure that the coast is clear* *grins at his words and briefly wiggles his eyebrows* Then we can make out completely unobserved… *then puts his other arm on his shoulder and gets closer to his face* *but just before their lips touch he pushes him underwater and laughs when he comes back up spluttering* *swims a meter back just to be on the safe side*

Matteo: *grins broadly and wraps his arm around David’s neck* We can definitely do that… *is about to close his eyes when, a millisecond before it happens, he already suspects that he might not be kissed* *then gets dunked under and swallows water* *comes back up spluttering and has to cough and spit* Just wait! *jumps at David, but misses him and has to swim a few strokes to reach him* *jumps again, basically on top of him, and pulls him under water with him*

David: *swims back even further when he sees that Matteo is jumping at him but can already see that he can’t really avoid Matteo’s second jump and instead holds his arms out for him* *gets pulled under water and pulls Matteo closer while still under the surface, so that Matteo is close to him when they reemerge* *briefly gasps for air and gives Matteo the chance to do the same, before he finally kisses him properly* *immediately deepens the kiss and presses him close* *tenderly runs his hand over the skin on his back and runs his other hand through his hair* *eventually pulls away a little and whispers against Matteo’s lips* I’ve been missing this today… *then kisses him again*

Matteo: *gasps for air when he comes back up* *pulls David closer, as well* *immediately wraps both arms around him when he deepens the kiss* *smiles at his words* So did I… *kisses him back and slips his right hand under the shirt sticking to David’s body*

David: *smiles at Matteo’s words and then feels his heart skip a beat when he feels Matteo’s hand on his bare skin* *quietly sighs into the kiss and presses even closer* *intensifies the kiss again and realizes quickly that he wants more* *pulls away a little breathlessly after a while and, with his heart beating fast, murmurs* Let’s pick this back up in the tent… *briefly kisses him again, presses his forehead against Matteo’s and puts his hands on his cheek* *tenderly runs his thumbs over them and looks at him* *smiles and then kisses him again for a moment* *doesn’t really want to pull away yet*

Matteo: *grumbles slightly when David ends the kiss* *nods slightly at his words and pulls his hand out from under his shirt* *sighs slightly and then also puts his hands on David’s face* *is kissed again and kisses him back again* *then pulls his hands away and puts his head on David’s shoulder* *lightly kisses up his neck toward his ear* Ready for sappy stargazing and my declarations of love?

David: *closes his eyes when Matteo kisses up to his ear and lets one hand slip into his hair* *hears his words and has to grin* I’m always ready for stuff like that… *swims back to the jetty with Matteo and briefly considers asking Matteo to get towels so that he can take off his wet undershirt and put on a dry one that won’t stick to his body so much, but after looking over to the cabin realizes that it’s dark there and then simply climbs out of the water* *briefly feels a little uncomfortable, but then turns away from the cabin and sits down on the edge of the jetty, his back facing the cabin* *tugs a little at his undershirt, but then stops, because it doesn’t really bother him in Matteo’s presence* *briefly smiles at him and then says* Somehow I still can’t believe that I really did this tonight…

Matteo: *sits down next to David and sees that he’s tugging on his shirt* Do you want me to get towels? Or you can pull the hoodie over it? *looks around and then grabs the hoodie behind him* *then smiles at his words* But you did it… and nothing happened… on the contrary, they were all pretty great. *nudges him slightly* And what did you do to Alex, huh? Do Mia and I have to get worried…

David: *smiles at Matteo’s offer to get towels or that he could put on the hoodie and shakes his head* Thanks… I’m good right now… *nods at his next words and feels his heartbeat pick up again when he says that nothing happened* *shrugs* It was still really hard. I knew beforehand that I would feel uncomfortable, but I didn’t expect it to be this bad. But maybe tomorrow it will already be a little better… *smiles when he mentions the others* Yes, now I’m also somehow glad that so many of them knew what I was planning. At first I thought that would make it worse because then they’ll look at me to see if they can see anything, but… yeah, they were really pretty great… *laughs when he mentions Alex and shrugs* No idea… somehow… *laughs again* …apparently we’re really developing a deeper bond… this morning, when you were in the shower, he joined me on the jetty and he wanted to know if you and I were okay again and what our fight was about and we talked and it was… really nice… *grins* …but he really is a little mysterious. I’ve even told him about the mastectomy and then he said that he has a lot of money and that the doctors could be bribed so that it would happen faster… and I have no idea if he’s serious about it or if he was kidding… *laughs again and shrugs*

Matteo: *nods when he says that he’s okay and puts the hoodie back down next to him* *then nods even more and wraps his arm around his shoulder* I’m sure! I think it will get better every time… but seriously, if you have a bad day, then you’ll just keep it on, or we’ll really go to the tent or something… *puts his head on David’s shoulder* I also don’t want you to put yourself under so much pressure. *then grins when he tells him about Alex* I think he’s really loaded… at least money’s never a problem with him, he has a huge apartment, and you’ve already seen his car… *laughs slightly* If you don’t get your surgery date soon, then you can ask him…

David: *wraps his arm around Matteo’s waist when he puts his arm around his shoulder and scoots a little closer to him* *kisses his forehead when he puts his head down and thinks about his words* *then sighs quietly* Yeah, we’ll see… *then laughs quietly* Well, now in hindsight I’m really determined… it’s actually really unbelievable that my psyche is going so crazy because of this… maybe I should somehow try to defy it or something like that… *sighs* I’ll probably see it differently again tomorrow when I take it off after 8 hours, but right now I’m thinking that my psyche can kiss my ass… *lifts his eyebrows in surprise when Matteo tells him that Alex is probably really this loaded* *laughingly shakes his head at Matteo’s suggestion* No, it’s okay… I can manage to wait those few more months…

Matteo: *laughs slightly at his words* Your psyche can kiss your ass? That’s probably a super healthy approach… *turns his head a little so that he can kiss his cheek* Either way… I’m proud of you… and I’m happy… and I think that the doctor will also be happy when you don’t show up with a completely crushed chest… *then laughs when David declines* That’s what I thought… how do they even tell you the date? Do they write you a letter or call you?

David: *smiles when Matteo says that he’s proud of him and especially when he tells him that he’s happy* *but then laughs quietly and turns his chest and shoulders a little to and fro* Hey… I’m not THAT crushed… *but then gets serious again when he asks about the date* The way I understood it, I’ll get the date by mail, or rather dates, the date for the surgery and the date for the pre-examination and pre-consultation. Together with some forms that you have to fill out and send back. *sighs quietly and thinks that they have talked enough about binders and dysphoria and the mastectomy* *leans against Matteo a little more and pushes them back so that Matteo is lying on his back on the jetty and he’s lying sideways in his arms* *grins slightly and says* What was that about stargazing and your declarations of love!? *then laughs quietly and really looks to the stars for a moment*

Matteo: *nods when he listens to him* Okay… so you’ll have to wait for the mail, once again… *briefly feels something vibrating on the jetty* *thinks that it’s probably one of their phones but ignores it for now* *then already gets pushed back by David* *grins broadly at his words and pulls him a little closer* Yes… you can earn my declarations of love… for every constellation you can show me, you��ll get a declaration of love… go.

David: *lets Matteo pull him closer and tears his gaze away from the stars again* *kisses his cheek and then puts his hand on it to turn his head a little so that he can kiss him on the mouth* *then hears his words and laughs quietly* Seriously!? *but then gets serious and looks at the sky again* *laughs again* I’m really bad at this stuff… but everyone knows this one… *points at the Big Dipper* …the Big Dipper.

Matteo: *gladly kisses him back* *grins at his question and nods* Of course I’m serious… *laughs when he says that he’s bad at this* I could make it easy for you and tell you that I’m also bad at his stuff and that you could basically make up names… but that would be too easy, right? *grins when he shows him the Big Dipper* The classic… then you’ll get the classic… *pauses for a moment and then says with a solemn voice* I love you.

David: *grins when Matteo says that he’s also bad at naming constellations* Good to know… *will just make some up if he can’t name any more constellations* *nods exaggeratedly when Matteo says the Big Dipper is a classic* *then laughs quietly at Matteo’s solemn voice and slightly boxes him in the side* Idiot! You have to do it like this… *quickly turns around, so that he’s lying half on top of Matteo, and grins* *but then quickly gets serious again and looks him in the eyes* *tenderly runs a hand through his hair and over his cheek and then says seriously and lovingly* I love you. *kisses him tenderly and then looks at him lovingly* *lets his smile merge into a grin and rolls back again to look back at the sky* Okay, let’s continue… *looks and then points with his finger* Cassiopeia!

Matteo: *acts indignant when David calls him an idiot* What? *then looks up at him and forgets for a moment that it’s a game* *feels his heart start to beat faster when he hears his words* *kisses him back and afterwards looks at him a little dopily* *but then gets pulled out of it when David grins and rolls off him again* *laughs slightly* Show-off… *then looks to where David is pointing and lifts his eyebrows* Really? Or did you cheat? *then shakes his head* Okay, doesn’t matter… *moves them around a little so that he can look at David* *then gets serious and smiles slightly* You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me… *kisses him quickly and then looks back up at the sky again*

David: *briefly looks at Matteo with a slight grin and then back at the sky* Seriously? You don’t even know Cassiopeia!? *points at the sky again* There, the five in a zigzag… you see? *but then sees Matteo trying to move them so that they can look at each other* *at first grins a little, but then gets serious when Matteo does* *immediately feels his heart starts to race when he hears his words and has to close his eyes for a moment because he feels a lump in his throat* *gets kissed and then feels Matteo turn back to the sky* *but can still hear his words ringing through his mind and is moved and happy that this person next to him sees him like that – even though he feels like everything’s always complicated with him and that Matteo could have it so much easier* *wraps an arm around him and squeezes him closer* *forgets for a moment that they were actually watching constellations and instead searches for words to somehow make Matteo understand how much he means to him*

Matteo: *holds David in his arms and looks up at the sky* *thinks how true it is, that David really is the best thing that ever happened to him* *even though they have been through a lot and he felt really bad for quite a while, he still wouldn’t want to miss any of it* *feels like somehow he only truly woke up because of him* *then notices that David isn’t saying anything anymore and nudges him slightly* Hey, did you fall asleep? Has this already been enough sappiness for you? Wanna go to the tent?

David: *eventually feels Matteo nudge him and can’t help but to groan and grin at Matteo’s words* Hmpf… no… *rights himself a little and leans on one elbow so that he can look at him* *shakes his head in amusement* You tell me such incredible things and while I’m still thinking about how I can respond, you already want me to tell you the next constellation?! I’m so terribly complicated and difficult and you could have it so much easier and you still think that I’m the best thing that ever happened to you!? You just say it so matter-of-factly. And you just go along with this complicated life that I lead… as if it weren’t anything special… as if it were normal and a given. And I can’t find the words to somehow express how much you mean to me… *slightly shakes his head* Maybe there simply aren’t any words… maybe you’re simply the very, very best thing that happened to me and that ever could have happened to me…

Matteo: *looks at him surprised when he sits up* *gapes at him when he starts talking and at first doesn’t understand what he even means* *then suddenly blushes when he realizes what he’s talking about and how he’s talking and the great things he’s saying* *finds it so absurd that David thinks like that, because he sometimes has to pinch himself to believe that David gave them a chance, after all* *that this awesome, great, brave, intelligent, creative guy decided to be with him* *laughs slightly and a little disbelievingly and shakes his head* You loon… do you really think that other people’s lives aren’t complicated? Do you think it would be easier with John Doe from next door? Because what? He’s not going to have surgery? He might have a shitty sister, or think that a pool is only great when it has water in it or he doesn’t like whipped cream on sandwiches… *slightly hits him on the forehead* So hush now and just accept that you’re the best.

David: *snorts and laughs quietly when he calls him a loon, but then listens to him and has to smile at his words* *was just about to open his mouth to say something when Matteo hits him on the forehead* *grins and pointedly presses his lips together* *but looks at him lovingly and tenderly strokes his cheek before leaning down to kiss him* *slightly pulls away form the kiss and whispers against his lips* I know another constellation, but I think that was enough sappiness for today… *kisses him again and murmurs* Let’s go to the tent?

Matteo: *grins when he pointedly presses his lips together* Good! *immediately kisses him back and lets his hand slip into his hair* *then grins slightly at his words* I have another one… *kisses him back once more and then says very seriously* I love you… *smiles slightly and nods* Okay… let’s go to sleep… *kisses him again and then they get up* *grabs his stuff, shorts, t-shirt, phone and waits for David*

David: *looks at Matteo expectantly when he says that he has another one and smiles when he repeats the words from earlier with more seriousness* *quietly murmurs* Love you too… *nods about going to sleep and then also gets up after the next brief kiss* *looks around for his things, picks them up and presses them in front of his chest out of reflex when they turn their backs on the lake* *looks toward the cabin and grins slightly* Looks like we’re the last ones… everything’s dark and quiet… *goes to the tent with Matteo*

Matteo: *nods* Looks like it… *they go to the tent, even brush their teeth and then quickly cuddle under their sleeping bags* *grabs his phone again because he wants to see how late it is* *sees that he’s got a WhatsApp message from Jonas and opens it curiously* *then sees a photo of him and David, taken with a flash, from behind, of the two of them sitting at the jetty with their arms wrapped around each other and Matteo’s head on David’s shoulder* *smiles immediately and then reads what Jonas has texted him* *”How sad and beautiful”, nice that it’s only beautiful now. Sleep tight, my friend."* *feels his heart beat faster and doesn’t know where to put all those happy feelings*

David: *goes into the bushes again and then he and Matteo brush their teeth together before they lie down in the tent* *lies in Matteo’s arm, half on his shoulder, and also checks his phone again before they go to sleep* *quickly answers a text from Laura and tells her that everything is okay and that there is a lot he has to tell her when they are back in Berlin again* *then puts his phone aside and turns to Matteo so that he can wrap his arm around his stomach* *sees that Matteo still has his phone in his hand and asks tiredly* Did your cousins answer?

Matteo: *quickly puts his phone from his right hand to his left when David lies down with him and wraps his arm around him* *then shakes his head* No, not yet… *considers if he should show him the photo* *actually thinks that it’s a nice photo and wants to share it, but also thinks that it shows that he had shown Jonas his sketch* *also thinks that it shows that Jonas saw them and doesn’t want David to feel uncomfortable again because of it* *then carefully says* Do you remember the sketches you sent me? The one from our date?

David: *cuddles a little closer to Matteo and murmurs about his cousins* I’m sure they will… *strokes Matteo’s side absentmindedly and waits until he’s finished with his phone* *then hears his question and it takes a moment for him to understand what Matteo is talking about* *frowns a little in confusion and wonders what made Matteo think about this right now* *but nods and hums in acknowledgment* The one with the quote of Simon van Booy? *grins slightly* What made you think about that now?

Matteo: *grimaces slightly because now there’s no turning back* Because… well… they were so nice… but you know that they mostly confused me… and, well… during this time I came out to Jonas… *slightly presses his lips together* And he asked me about you… what was going on and stuff… and we were talking and then I showed him your sketches, because I wanted to know what he thought about it and… *then stops and takes a deep breath* Sorry if that was stupid… but I did it and… well, seems like Jonas took a little night stroll… *then shows him the display where the photo and the message are still open*

David: *nods when Matteo says that the messages confused him and that he came out to Jonas* *actually knows that already* *keeps listening to him and nods again* *then shakes his head and interrupts him for a moment* That wasn’t stupid. I can understand that you wanted a second opinion… *then frowns when Matteo says that Jonas took a night stroll and scoots up a little when he realizes that Matteo wants to show him his phone* *smiles immediately when he sees the photo and only then remembers that he wasn’t wearing a binder but only a wet shirt* *notices that he feels uncomfortable for a moment but then forces himself to think rationally, that Jonas is absolutely discreet and trustworthy and that he surely must have left them alone again after he took the picture and that – apart from the flashlight – it had probably been too dark to see anything* *tries to dispel those stupid thoughts and to concentrate on the photo instead* *thinks that it’s really nice and only now sees the text underneath it* *now has to smile, after all, and quietly murmurs* Everything happens at exactly the right time… I guess that probably applies to us… *laughs quietly* But yes, now we can really delete the “sad”… *looks up at Matteo and smiles* Can you send it to me? It’s really nice!

Matteo: *watches him as he looks at the photo* *doesn’t really know what he thinks about it and quickly says* I think he zoomed in a lot… and I’m sure he continued walking immediately after… *then smiles slightly when David quotes further and nods* Yep, definitely… *nods when he looks up at him* Sure… *sends David the picture, quickly texts Jonas “Thanks <3” back and then puts the phone aside* Let’s sleep?

David: *nods at Matteo’s assumption about how he took the photo* *then hears his phone vibrate and smiles happily, but is too tired now to grab his phone again* *nods when Matteo puts his phone aside* Let’s sleep! *leans up again and kisses him tenderly* *rearranges them a little because today he wants to be the big spoon, and has to think about the photo and the quote again when Matteo is lying in his arms* *grins slightly and then says* If only it had crossed Jonas’ or your mind to google the book where the quote is from then you might not have been quite as confused… *laughs quietly and shrugs slightly* …or even more confused, I don’t know… *then kisses the back of his neck and quietly murmurs the title against his skin* The Secret Lives of People in Love… Sleep tight, Florenzi…

(next play)

#druck #druck og #matteo florenzi #david schreibner #davenzi #davenzi plays

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iceraree · 4 years ago

Photo

Love has no label (Professional Folio Presentation Process Journal)

It was also because of the previous exercises and the discussion and exploration of the understanding of love, so I want to explore deeply for love last semester.

When I talked to David my ideas, he recommended three artists for me, Honey Long & Prue Stent, Ryan Mcginley, and Cherine fahd. In fact, the three artists helped me a lot for the project. I found that Honey Long & Prue Stent (Pic 1 and Pic 2) are good at using props, like silk, making their photos look more powerful. By looking their works, I inspired by them, I used fabric in the shooting, to make my photos look more impactive. I like Ryan Mcginley’s (Pic 3) style very much. In his work, I saw many photos about the LGBT community, which gave me new inspiration. He took a lot of naked LGBT’s photos. When I saw his works, I felt sincere. In this project, I created a story, using models’ body and photography to express the topic, making efforts to increase social visibility of the LGBT community and reduce discrimination. Apart form that, When I saw Ryan Mcginley’s photos, one of works named Jonas & Marcel, it took in a cave, which is the inspiration of the place where I shot. I chose a cave looks very dark and unique (Pic 5), it could represent a traditional and repressive society to express my story. Cherine fahd (Pic 4) is very sensitive to color. Her personal style is obvious. In her works, She covered the plasticine of different colors on her model’s body, like the person’s skin, protecting the person from harm, which is helpful to the makeup of this shooting. In this project, there are a total of four models, the color elements on the model’s body (Pic 9) signify different groups of people, they hold each other back and influence each other. My makeup girl used eyeshadow compact and glitter (Pic 6 and Pic 7) to make up this time. I used veil in the shooting as I think the veil on the face is a metaphor for the imprisoned mind. So, I let a tailor do veils (Pic 8) to help me to show the theme of the project.

I use literature research method to process my project, to obtain data through investigation of literature according to certain research on topic of LGBT group in China. In this way, I can comprehensively and correctly understand the problem to be studied. By this way, I settle down my project topic Love Has No Label and aim to propagate that love is equal. I hope my work could encourage people to love bravely and release their anxiety. Minority groups also have the right to love just like ordinary people. Firstly, I understand the history and current situation of the LGBT group in China, what causes the discrimination and what kind of problems the minority group have faced every day. Secondly, it can form a general impression about the Chinese LGBT group, which is helpful for my observation before picturing my work. Those materials inspired me to tell a love story in my project, I must tell them by my photos. So, I finally decided to use the photography as a tool to speak up for the minority groups. First, I chose some models suitable for my shooting, such as some real LGBT’s Couples, people of different races and skin colors but in love with each other. They are all LGBT members, some of them I found in the LGBT’s club in Shanghai, some I knew them through dancing. When I told them the topic and the story of the project, they expressed their interest and wanted to join me.

Overall planning is very important if a project can be successfully shot and the effect is good. For example, in this shooting, my early conception of the theme of Love has no label, my prediction of possible problems in the shooting, my control of the models' performances, the demand and presentation of makeup effects by makeup artists, the selection of shooting locations and my control of using light and color. The overall planning ability makes me smoothly finished my work and express my theme.

I am better at photographing abstract love, because I have studied the subject of love more deeply, and realized the inclusiveness and diversity of love.

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writingformadderton · 4 years ago

Text

Hesitate

Ships: Madderton, Jophie

Word Count: 6040

Summary: Richard takes a trip to his past, which leaves him panicked and Taron is the only one he opens up to. Only shortly after that Taron gets hurt by his father and Richard is the only one who can cheer him up. They realize how important they are for each other and Richard decides to open up about his feelings with some help from Sophie and Joe.

Additional Tags: angst, panic, comfort, cuddles, fluff, first kiss

Based on the song “Hesitate” by the Jonas Brothers

Richard plays with the remote control in his hand and chews on his lower lip. His mind is racing, questioning if he really should do this right now. It was dangerous to do such a thing now, at nine pm. If this went wrong, he would be up the whole night.

But if this all went well, he would be able to cope with this properly after all these years. He would be able to forget it.

Rich lets out a long breath and leans back in the sofa trying to sort his thoughts. “Just fucking do it,” He tells himself and growls softly. His eyes settle back on the screen and he takes a deep breath.

A few days ago, he suddenly had this brilliant idea how to tackle his childhood trauma. He could just watch the movie with what it all started. Maybe that would help him, knowing this little child wasn’t him anymore. Knowing he made it through filming this scene of abuse, made it through the bullying of his classmates. He made it.

But, actually doing it isn’t as easy as he thought it would be. Would it really help or make everything worse? If he fucked this up, he would be on his own, his best friend was filming abroad, who would be the only one he opens up to.

Richard sinks deeper into the sofa and stares at the screen. He doesn’t want to see it, but he can’t drag his eyes away from it. “Fuck,” he whispers and holds the pillow in his arms tighter. This was torture but he promised himself to watch it. To try and get through it. Otherwise he would try again. He feels panic taking over and takes a deep breath closing his eyes. Come on, focus. When he opens his eyes again, trying to blend out the sounds, tears are blurring his sight. He blinks them away and sees himself, knowing it is acted, but it kills him to watch it. Richard gags and shakes himself. “Come on..” he groans and forces himself to look back at the screen.

When the scene is done, hot tears are streaming down his face and fumbles for the remote wanting to turn it off. When he doesn’t find it he feels a new wave of panic taking over and he whines softly. Richard finally finds it and turns the TV off falling back onto the sofa and buries his face in his hands. He shouldn’t have done that. He shouldn’t have watched it. He shouldn’t have put himself through this.

Suddenly his doorbell rings and he flinches hard in fear, his heart racing. Richard pushes himself up and walks to his door slowly and quietly wiping his cheeks clean and taking a deep breath. He opens the door and frowns when he sees him.

“Surpri- Holy shit, mate, are you okay?!” Taron asks worried and watches him observantly.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, confused.

“I came home earlier, wanted to surprise you and come over,” Taron says and Richard nods. “What’s wrong?” he asks. Richard shakes his head tiredly and feels the tears welling up in his eyes again. He stares down on his feet as the tears fall down his cheeks and sniffs helpless. “Hey, Richie,” T says softly and puts the pizza he brought on the floor before cupping his face. “Hey, what’s going on?”

The softness in his best friend’s voice breaks his heart a little, not thinking he deserves it. His hands, warm from holding the pizza, pull him back into reality. “I just did something stupid.” he admits chocked up.

“What happened?” he asks carefully and lets his eyes wander all over his best friend. Looking into his eyes he can see something beside the sadness and that was panic. Pure panic. What the hell happened? “You’re having a panic attack?”

“Maybe,” he gets out with a shaking voice, laced in emotions. “I-Taron, I fucked everything up. I-I thought it would make everything better, b-but it didn’t a-and-” his voice cracks and he shuts his mouth, his body shaking with sobs.

Taron leans down and grabs the abandoned pizza. “Okay, let’s go inside, come on.” He grabs Richard’s hand and pulls him inside, closing the door and throwing the pizza onto the kitchen table. This could wait. He turns to his best friend and pulls him into a safe hug.

Richard clings onto Taron and buries his face in his shoulder trying to get himself together. How stupid must he look like, crying that heavy? But now that Taron is here and he doesn’t have to be alone with it only makes him cry harder, feeling his defenses breaking down.

Taron rocks them softly from side to side and his hand rests on the back of Richard’s head, fondling over his curls. He knows he’ll have to let him calm down and let everything out before talking about what happened. The sobs leaving Richard’s mouth are tightening his throat and he swallows hard. There was no time to get emotional, he has to be here for him and be fully focused on him. After a while Richard gets calmer in his arms and Taron’s hand wanders down, rubbing his back smoothly. “You wanna tell me about it?” he asks low voiced and Rich just shrugs his shoulders. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want. But no matter what it is, I’ll still love you, mate.”

Rich smiles weakly at that and holds him tighter for a moment. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” Taron assures him and pulls back a bit. “Wanna sit down on the sofa a bit?” Rich nods slowly and looks down at the floor again. T offers him his hand and Richard takes it. Taron squeezes it and fondles over his knuckles as he walks them to the sofa. He lets Rich sit down and gets some blankets from the armchair. He wraps one around Richard’s shoulders and one covers his feet. “I’ll be here in a minute,” he says and plants a soft kiss into his hair.

Richard pulls the blanket closer around himself and shivers slightly as he is alone again. He would get through it, it wouldn’t get worse. Right? Closing his eyes he takes deep breaths and listens to his body. His heart was still racing, his mind was messed up, the scene was replaying in front of his eyes. He doesn’t hear Taron coming back, just feels himself wrapped up in his arms suddenly. Rich buries his face in his chest and wraps his arms around him.

“You wanna eat something before talking?” T asks suggesting and Richard nods, knowing he should. If he didn’t eat now, he doesn’t know when he would the next time. Taron disappears shortly again and comes back with the warmed-up pizza and two plates.

They eat in a comfortable silence and Richard feels himself calming down. Taron’s mind is racing, thinking about what could have happened that made him so upset. And then Richard opens up about his idea and what it did to him. He talks about how insecure he still is because of everything that happened in his childhood. Taron just listens and holds his hand throughout the process, giving him time to open up and tell him everything. He knew about the insecurity but he didn’t knew it was still that present.

“I’m just- I don’t know what I was thinking, I really don’t know,” he says and looks down at his lap for his moment. “I just don’t wanna feel like shit anymore. I don’t wanna get up and think about all the things I could do wrong, about all the stuff I don’t like about myself. I’m so tired of it, T.”

Taron nods slowly and waits for Richard to continue. When he doesn’t, he takes a deep breath and sits closer to him. “I know this shit that happened still is in your head and it’s okay that you struggle with it. No one expects you to forget it and pretend it never happened.” he squeezes his hand lovingly. “Mate, you’re brilliant, okay? You are an awesome friend, you’re funny, you’re sweet, you’re so talented and all your fans are a living proof of how handsome you are,” he winks at him and makes him laugh softly. “I know you’re struggling with all of this and you’re having some serious self-doubts,” Taron smiles at him softly and rubs his shoulder. “But you’re perfect as you are, Richie. And nothing will change that. You’re so strong for going out there in a world where’s so much hate and being able to have fun. Seriously, you’re so damn strong, mate.”

Rich just shakes his head and smiles a little. “Not really, but thanks.”

“Don’t talk yourself down, Richie. You are,” Taron insists and squeezes his hand again. “And what you did wasn’t stupid, it was brave. It didn’t work out as you wanted it to do, but you tried and that’s what counts.”

“I really don’t know what I would do without you sometimes,“ Rich breathes out and smiles at him softly.

“Oh stop it,” T giggles softly and plays with his hair lovingly. They look at each other for a moment and sink into each other’s eyes. Something changed between them the last few times they’ve seen each other. But both weren’t quite sure about what it was and if it was just one sided. Taron clears his throat and inhales a deep breath. “You want me to stay tonight?”

“You don’t have to, mate. You just came back home and must be exhausted,” Richard says and smiles at him assuring.

“Your bed is big enough for both of us,” Taron grins and Rich just chuckles. They spent enough drunk nights in there to know that. "I really don't wanna leave you on your own at the moment. And we haven't seen each other for a while."

"Okay then," Rich says and nods smiling. "But I really don't wanna burden you with it."

"Richie, it's okay. I'm here and I'll be by your side through all of this," Taron assures him and leans forward fondling over his cheek. "I promise, mate, it's okay."

A little while later Richard is cuddled up in Taron’s arms underneath the blanket and has his face buried in his chest again. They love this kind of intimacy, it comforts them and makes them even closer. Taron is fondling over his head, playing with his hair. "Thank you for staying," he mumbles into his chest.

"Not a problem at all," T assures him and plants a soft kiss into his hair. "Now try and get some sleep. Love you, mate."

"Love you too," Rich answers and closes his eyes. It feels good to be in Taron’s arms, feeling him. He would wake up having his sweet scent right in front of him which would assure him he wasn't alone.

A week later Richard has to give some interviews and his anxiety level is high. He's pacing the room and didn't eat some breakfast. Playing with his hands he tries to avoid seeing himself in a mirror, not wanting to change his outfit for another time.

The first interview is exhausting and he keeps on shifting on his seat, plays with his hands, is obviously nervous. When it's done he steps out of the room and looks down at his watch. Twenty minutes to the next one that could either be a break or a time for nervousness.

"Breathe, mate." he suddenly hears and looks up confused.

"Taron!" he quickly falls into his arms and holds him tight. "What are you doing here?"

"I thought I'll check on you. I know how nervous this shit makes you," he giggles softly and rubs his back smoothly. "How long do you have?"

"Twenty minutes."

"Well then let's go," Taron grabs his hand and pulls him with him. They step outside and Taron doesn't let go of his hand, neither does Richard. They know there would be headlines, again. But they didn't care. It was their intimate friendship and they wouldn't hide the love they had for each other. "I bet you didn't eat this morning."

"Not really," he admits a bit embarrassed.

Taron opens the backdoor of his car and gets in pulling Rich with him. Richard closes the door and watches him curiously. "Well I thought so and you definitely need some food. So I decided to make some bacon and eggs at home and take it with me."

Rich chuckles softly as Taron takes out a lunchbox filled with it and the smell fills the car, making his stomach growl. "You're the best."

Taron hands him a fork and grins at him before digging his own into the warm food. "I hope it doesn't taste like shit, I did this half awake," he giggles.

Rich chuckles and assures him it's good. He feels himself relaxing having Taron around him and enjoys the belated breakfast.

When they're done they have ten minutes left and Taron packs the stuff away, pulling him into a hug. "Come here,” he says and Rich leans against him. Taron plays with his hair and looks down at him. "Just keep on breathing deep and remember it's just an interview. You'll do great."

"I'll try my best," Rich promises.

"Here. Let's go inside," he hands him a toothbrush and a toothpaste and winks at him.

"You really thought of everything," Rich chuckles.

Three months later Richard's phone rings through the make-up trailer and he excuses himself seeing it's Taron. He quickly steps outside and takes the call. "Hey, T, how are you?"

"I'm... I'm okay," he says and rubs his face.

"What's wrong?" Rich asks irritated by the slight shaking in his voice which was only audible to people who knew him very well.

"I just feel like shit right now," he sniffs softly and stares down at his knees.

"Where are you?" he asks worried and gets inside packing his stuff. He signals his stylist he has to go, who leaves to inform the rest.

"Airport."

Richard frowns a little and then he remembers Taron had been in Wales the last couple of days. "What happened?" he asks softly.

But Taron just sniffs again and bites his lower lip. "Can you please come and get me?" he asks and now his voice is shaking hard.

"Already on my way." Richard says and starts the car.

He finds Taron at the parking place and quickly gets out. Richard grabs his suitcase and throws it in the back of his car. Then he grabs Taron’s hand and softly pulls him to the left side of his car, letting him get in. Richard gets in as well and looks over at him. "Please tell me you're okay and it's mentally."

Taron looks at him for a short moment before nodding. "I'm physically okay, don't worry."

Richard places his hand on his thigh and fondles over it calming. "You wanna tell me what happened?" he asks carefully, not wanting to push him into something he doesn't want to.

Taron nods slowly and starts telling him about the time he spent with his mum, stepdad and sisters and how good it was for him. He was happy, got new energy and felt good.

They get out of the car at this point and Rich grabs his suitcase letting him open the door to his apartment. He steps into Taron’s home and puts the suitcase aside, getting rid of his jacket and shoes. When he looks at Taron he sees the silent tears falling down his face and feels his heart wrenching at that sight. "Hey, Taron," he says softly and takes a step closer. A sob leaves Taron’s mouth and that's all it takes for him to wrap him into a loving hug. "It's okay, let it out," he encourages him and holds him close. After a little while he leans down a bit and picks Taron up who instinctively wraps his legs around his waist. He carries them into the living room and sits down on the armchair, Taron on his lap, and grabs a blanket, wrapping it around T.

Taron cuddles into him crying and knows Richard's near is all he needs now. "I'm sorry. I - I just really needed you," he admits through his sobs.

"Shh, it's okay, I'm here now," he assures him and rubs his back smoothly.

Taron pulls back after a few minutes, his eyes red and puffy, tears all over his face, a running nose. Richard grabs a tissue and cups his face, wiping away the tears with his thumbs. T takes the tissue and blows his nose before looking down at his lap. "I met my dad on the last day," he starts.

"Oh," Rich says and can imagine this wasn't easy. It never has been easy for Taron to stay in contact with the man who left him and his mother when he was only a little child.

"Yeah it was a stupid idea, but I hadn't seen him in a while," he states and scratches his neck. "Well when I got there the first thing he did was telling me that I barely come and visit him. I mean I know that and I know I spend more time with my mum but seriously I spend more time with him than he did when I grew up," he says and chews on his lower lip. "And then after a while talking he suddenly says I changed in a bad way. I would think too much of my work, I got self-centered and I would forget about the people that are my family."

Richard frowns at that. Taron always talks about his family and his home and how much he enjoys being with them. He never made it a secret and brought it up in interviews as well. And Taron was always checking up on others and not self-centered at all. "I hope you know that isn't true?"

Taron shrugs his shoulders. "It caught me by surprise and it hurts," he admits.

"You're definitely not self-centered and seriously, I can't name a person who talks more lovingly about his family on the red carpet than you do. You didn't forget them and well of course you think of your work because it's stressful and separates you from your family and friends often," he explains and Taron nods slowly. "I'm so sorry he did that, it clearly isn't that way, bubs. You're amazingly sweet with your family all the time."

"But he's right, all of this did change me," T whines a little.

"Taron. He left you when you were six. He wasn't there when you went through puberty, grew up, moved out, build up your career. Of course you changed in his eyes and of course you aren't the little boy agreeing with everything he says anymore," Richard says and fondles over his hair. "We all change from age six to 30."

"I just feel like shit about it. I went there and had hopes it would be fun, but well he had other plans it seems," he huffs out, frustrated.

"You’re amazing as you are and no one, not even your stubborn dad, can change that," Rich assures him and plants a kiss on his temple before Taron sinks back into his arms, curling up on his lap.

"Thank you for picking me up," T mumbles.

"Sure thing."

It isn't that easy to make Taron happy again. The comments of his father hurt him bad and Richard sees the tears in his eyes whenever he thinks of it. He sees the way Taron tries to hide it, tries to pretend he's okay. When he rings Taron’s doorbell today he has to wait a while until T opens the door. Richard only needs a short look to see he's not doing good. "Wanna have some alone time?" he asks carefully, knowing sometimes T needed to be on his own.

Taron shakes his head. "I need you," he admits quietly and avoids eye contact.

"Okay," Richard nods and steps closer.

"Sorry for this mess. I didn't want to drag you into my misery again," T mumbles embarrassed.

Richard leans down a bit lifting his head with his fingers and looks into blueish green eyes full of tears. "Don't," he says and fondles over his cheek. "I'm always here for you and you should never apologize for needing me. That's my job as your friend and I like to be here for you."

"Thank you," Taron presses out and a tear rolls down his cheek.

Rich catches the tear with his thumb and smiles at him compassionately. "Some cuddles sound good?" he asks and Taron nods letting him inside. His heart wrenches seeing Taron standing there looking like a little child, soft and vulnerable. "Come here, luv."

Taron steps closer to him and sinks into his embrace. Silent tears run down his face and he wonders about himself. Why the hell did he still have tears left to cry? And why the hell did this make him more upset than Rich with his childhood trauma?

They decide to lie down in Taron’s bed and Taron cuddles up into Richard, just like Rich did when he stayed with him a while ago. He can feel Richard's fingers running through his hair and massaging his scalp lovingly, while his other arm is wrapped around his waist, rubbing tiny circles on his lower back.

"You're thinking about what happened again?" Rich asks after a while.

"Yeah, it happened suddenly. I don't know why," Taron admits and pulls back a bit.

"Yeah, I know how that feels like," Rich says and looks at him, deep blue meeting bright green. He loved Taron’s eye color even more when he cried. His green iris seemed to stand out more against the pinkish whites of his eyes.

Taron looks at him remaining silent for a moment and chews on his lower lip. "How do you cope with it? Not slipping back into it over and over again?"

"I don't," Rich says and sees Taron’s confused look. He chuckles softly and continues fondling over his hair. "I'm...not really good at it. Let it put me that way. I just try not to think of it until something triggers it which usually leads to me pushing it aside. After a few times of doing that it hits me full force and it sends me into panic."

"Sounds like shit," T groans and both laugh at that. "But what steadies you in those moments? When you push it aside, I mean." he asks curiously.

Richard remains quiet for a moment and thinks about it. "It depends on whom I'm with. When I'm with my mum for example, I'm pushing it away because I don't wanna worry her with it. Being on set I focus on all the stuff going on around me. And being with you..." he stops talking and knows he should say something.

"Yeah?" he asks and suddenly is painfully aware of how close their faces are. It feels like he's surrounded by a bubble, Richard's cologne, his hand on his lower back, his body pressed against his own. Blue eyes reading him like an open book. Damn.

"Being with you calms me down," he admits slowly and it takes him all of his willpower not to break eye contact now. "I feel safe enough around you to not let those memories consume me."

"Why?" he asks and suddenly aches to know why the hell he was the one who could give Richard peace.

"I- I just feel like I don't have to explain myself all the time when I'm with you and you understand what's going on. You know me, better than anybody else," Richard's movements in his hair get slower. "And you're always so understanding and sweet when I feel like shit, I guess it just doesn't happen when you're with me in person."

"Glad I can help," Taron answers with a soft smile. He sinks into Richard's deep blue eyes and his heart starts beating faster. "Thank you for being here," he says.

"Sure thing," Rich answers.

A few days later Taron gets a call from Richard when he's on set. "Hey, Rich, what's up?"

"Hey, how are you?" Richard asks and looks down at the piece of paper in front of him on the floor.

"I'm okay. How about you?" he asks and walks towards his trailer. It's a low fall afternoon and the frosty air is blowing into his face making him shiver.

"I'm good. Listen, I know you could use some fun. Sophie called me and invited me to dinner with her and Joe, she said I could take someone with me and I thought of you," Richard explains and leans against the sofa behind him. "We'd go to a little pub and avoid the public shit."

"Today?" Taron asks and opens the door to his trailer.

"Yeah, I could pick you up at 7?"

"Okay, yeah sure. I haven't seen them in a while as well," T agrees with a smile on his lips. That could be fun and meant some time with Rich. Perfect.

Richard rings the doorbell of Taron’s apartment and takes a step back. It doesn't take long and T opens the door with a welcoming smile on his face. "Hey," he says and pulls him into a warm hug.

Richard holds him tight for a moment and smiles. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah," he grabs his jacket and keys and follows Richard outside after locking the door. As they reach the car Taron stops him and plants a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you. I really needed some company today."

"Glad I can help," he winks at him and they get in the car.

Sophie and Joe are already there and greet them lovingly. It was always fun with those two and Rich. Taron feels his mind calming down and everything else that bothered him over the last couple of days suddenly doesn't seem important anymore. Taron sits between Richard and Joe at the round table, Sophie is opposite of him.

"Oh, we wanted to share something with you," Sophie says with a smile and grabs Joe's hand.

Richard looks up from his drink and watches them curiously. "The last time you did that you got married."

"Then it's a child now," Taron guesses and Rich chuckles. Joe grins and Sophie has a big smile on her face. "Wait am I right?" Taron asks with a bright smile written all over his face.

"Yeah, we're gonna have a baby," Joe agrees happily and squeezes Sophie's hand looking at her.

"Aww I'm so happy for you two!" Rich says and beams at his friend. "You're gonna be such amazing parents."

"Well and our baby will meet our amazing friends," Joe says and winks at T.

Taron smiles softly and watches the happy couple in front of him. "I'm curious if your baby will be talented like their mum or more like their dad."

"Maybe it's a mix," Rich suggests. "Like you," he grins and Taron blushes.

"Shut up," T mumbles grinning and tries to hide his blushing cheeks.

"Oh no, Rich is right, mate," Joe grins and Sophie chuckles when Taron buries his face in his hands embarrassed.

"Stop it you guys," he whines and giggles softly when Richard wraps his arm around him and pulls him close laughing. Taron looks up and smirks at him, a interaction that doesn't go unrecognized by their friends who exchange a knowing look.

They enjoy their food and fool around and it clearly becomes obvious to Sophie and Joe how close their friends became. They always had a strong bond and intimate friendship but the expression in their eyes changed, their looks were full of love and adoration for each other. The short touches got permanent and they basically sat close to each other, no space between them. Sophie was convinced now that this wasn't only one sided and showed her friend a thumbs up under the table who smiled relieved at that.

Joe exchanges a look with Richard and then the acting starts. "Richard, you remember when you promised me once you'd sing with me when I'd knock Sophie up?"

"What?!" Richard asks shocked and Taron chokes on his drink laughing.

"That's what you said," Sophie protests laughing and Joe starts laughing. "You two were shit drunk and you said that, love!"

"Ohhh right," he remembers and laughs loudly now. "Sorry mate."

"God, Joe!" Rich groans and laughs. "So what are you up to?"

"Wanna sing a song with me?" he asks and winks at him.

"No, god, please don't," he whines and Sophie grins. Sometimes it was quite useful to be an actor.

"Oh come on, mate. I know you have a beautiful voice!"

"That's true," Taron smirks mischievously and watches Richard who looks like he wants to disappear immediately.

"Go, Rich!" Sophie cheers and Taron joins her. Joe gets up and pulls Richard with him. Taron sits next to Sophie now, watching his best friend following Joe on the little stage. T looks around and suddenly realizes they are the only one’s in the pub, wondering if that’s just a weird coincidence.

Richard looks at Joe and nods as he looks at him questioning. He takes a deep breath and focuses on the guitar in his hands, playing the first cords of Hesitate. It has always been Joe’s favorite, thinking of his wife Sophie whenever he was performing it. And somehow the lyrics fit for T and Rich, their friendship and the things they went through together.

“Kiss the tears right of your face, won’t be scared, that’s the old, old, old me,” Joe starts singing and Sophie focuses on her husband with a smile on her lips. “I’ll be there time and place, lay it on me, all you’re hold, hold, holding.”

Richard takes a deep breath, steadying himself and starts the next line. “Time, time only heals if we work through it now and I promise we’ll figure this out.” he feels relief swapping over him as his voice doesn’t crack. “I will take our pain and put it on my heart.”

“I won’t hesitate, just tell me where to start,” Joe continues and smirks at Sophie. “I thank the oceans for giving me you.”

“You saved me once and now I’ll save you too,” Richard’s eyes meet Taron’s, seeing the dreamy look in them and how he mouths the words along his singing. God, he loved this boy. And oh how this line fit for them the last couple of times they were together. “I won’t hesitate for you.”

Taron watches Richard and listens to his smooth calming voice. He always loved hearing it, especially when he was singing. There was something about it that calmed him down, made him feel safe. It remembered him at the time they got to know each other, singing together in the studio.

Sophie glances at T and sees how focused he is on Richard. There was an adoration in his eyes that she had seen in Richard’s when he was looking at Taron. Hopefully their plan would work. “They sound amazing together,” she smiles as they start the chorus together.

“They do,” Taron admits and looks at Sophie. “I love it when he sings, he just hates it,” Sophie smirks at that and nods.

“Pull me close and I’ll hold you tight, don’t be scared ‘cause I’m on your side. Know there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you,” Richard sings and Taron’s heart warms as he meets his look. Joe repeats the lines and Rich joins in on the chorus again.

Sophie looks at Taron and decides to take a step further. “Just to come back to you saying he hates it,” she says and Taron looks at her questioning. “He doesn’t do that for everyone,” she ads softly and T looks at her remaining silent for a moment.

“Is he in love with me?” he asks timidly and chews on his lower lip. “Because I don’t wanna fall even harder for someone who won’t return my feelings.” he says and let’s out a shuddery breath. Sophie was the first person he opened up to about it. The first person who knew about his feelings for Richard that grew stronger the more time he spent with him.

“What do you think?” Sophie asks and raises her eyebrow. “Just talk to him, mate.” She looks into Taron’s blueish-green eyes, a hint of anxiety in them, and smiles, grabbing his hand. “It’ll be okay. I promise.”

Richard and Joe end their performance and T and Sophie start cheering and clapping. They come back to the table and Taron watches him closely. Could he really feel the same?

The rest of the evening happens in a blur for both Taron and Richard, anxiety and nervousness settling in their bodies. When they leave the pub Taron feels sick, he doesn’t want to confess his feelings and get his heart broken. He was unstable enough and he doesn’t want to lose Rich.

Richard starts the car and his grip around the steering wheel gets tight. Did Taron realize why they picked this song? Did he mess everything up now? His stomach turns and he feels sick, he couldn’t lose Taron.

“Thank you for taking me with you tonight,” Taron breaks the silence, trying to start a normal conversation.

“Not a problem at all. I’m glad you said yes,” he admits and sets the blinking lights as they wait a red-light. He clears his throat and opens his mouth, wanting to explain himself, saying something, but nothing comes out and so he closes his mouth again.

“You definitely still have a beautiful voice,” he says and smiles softly.

“Ugh, stop it,” Rich growls and shakes his head. “I’m just glad that my voice didn’t break or made a fool of me.”

Taron chews on his lower lip and glances at him. “Richard, I have to tell you something and I don’t want things to get weird between us when I do,” he starts and Richard nods slowly parking the car in front of Taron’s apartment, that isn’t far away from the pub. Taron plays with his hands nervously and swallows hard. “I don’t wanna lose you, okay? Because I need you.”

Richard frowns a bit at that. What the hell was he talking about now? He reaches out for Taron’s hand and turns to him in his seat. “You won’t lose me.”

“You don’t know that,” Taron laughs weakly and looks up at him timidly.

“Yes, I do. Because I need you too,” he speaks and searches Taron’s face for something that will tell him what’s going on in his head.

Taron avoids eye contact again and feels tears burning in his eyes, fear taking over, as he finally speaks what’s on his mind. “I love you. And I don’t mean it the way I said it a hundred times before.”

Richard lets out a shuddery breath and places his fingers underneath his chin and lifts up his head. “Yeah, I know how that feels like,” he says and makes Taron giggle softly, both remembering their talk a few days ago. “I love you too, T.”

Taron smiles softly and his eyes shine with tears. “Yeah?”

Rich just smiles and grabs his neck pulling him close. As their lips barely touch, noses nudging against each other, he searches Taron’s agreement in his eyes. The Welsh closes his eyes and cups his face, Richard’s connects their lips to a shy but sweet kiss.

Taron pulls back slowly, opening his eyes, and strokes over Richard’s cheeks with his thumbs, feeling the stubble underneath his palms. “You’re really cheesy, you know that? Trying to get me with a song,” he giggles softly.

“Seems like it worked, right?” he winks at him and his blue eyes shine brightly. “Wanna stay with me tonight?” he asks and plays with Taron’s hair.

“Absolutely,” Taron answers smiling and places another kiss onto his lips.

@taron-eggmcmuffin @primaba11erina @sarahegerton96 @multicoloredchicken @maddertonmyheart @madderton-obsessed

#taron egerton #Richard Madden #madderton #Sophie Turner #joe jonas #jophie #taron egerton fic #richard madden fic #madderton fic #taron egerton fluff #richard madden fluff #madderton fluff #taron egerton angst #richard madden angst #madderton angst #comfort #panic #cuddles #fluff

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fics-of-my-mind · 5 years ago

Text

Trust - Chapter VIII.

‘Why are you out here? It’s freezing,’ Nick said, burying his hand into his pockets.

‘Couldn’t sleep,’ I shrugged.

‘Why?’ he asked, sounding concerned.

I turned my face towards him, hoping that he’d just do his thing and I didn’t have to explain myself with words. Nick was looking at me softly, yet he was waiting for a real answer.

‘I can’t… Think inside,’ I started, turning back towards the view to the harbor. It was easier than looking at him, though I could feel his gaze on me, just like his body almost touching mine. ‘You’re everywhere,’ I whispered. ‘I just feel like I can’t breathe because being here with you is making me crazy and… so guilty.’

I could feel Nick looking at me for a long moment before running a hand though the back of his hair and chuckling in agony.

‘It’s funny,’ he said after a while, which made me turn towards him. I didn’t find anything funny in our screwed-up situation. ‘Being here with you is actually the only thing that let me take a deep breath for months.’

Warnings: mature content, BDSM content Pairing: Nick Jonas / Other Female Character This fanfiction can also be found on Wattpad by fnntth

I don’t own Nick Jonas or any other recognizable characters. This fanfiction is completely fictional, its only purpose is entertainment.

Chapter VIII. - A promise that never was kept, one of those moments you'll never forget

Nick’s texts are bold

Milla’s texts are italic

When in the beginning of May they started to lift the restrictions, Nick acted instantly.

I’ll be in Stockholm next weekend

meet me

Are you serious?

I couldn’t believe him. I wasn’t even sure if it was possible to travel from my country or his country. Stockholm, Sweden. I’ve heard that they were taking the virus quite lightly there, so I guess Nick did his homework.

yes.

I don’t know…

I wasn’t exactly feeling comfortable already traveling. Not that I was scared of the virus anymore, but they just loosened the restrictions.

And, seriously. Nick wanted to meet me. Nick Jonas. Now that the quarantine seemed to be over for a while, he somehow regained his persona as the world-known popstar, actor, celebrity. Besides, he had a wife.

please

I need to see you

I hit the call button beside his name. We needed to talk about this.

‘This is just crazy, Nick,’ I said instantly as he accepted the call. I didn’t care if he was at a comfortable place to talk, or if he’s had people around him, but I didn’t give a shit. He couldn’t just ask me something like this with no further conversation.

‘No, it’s not,’ he said without thinking. ‘I’m officially going to see some songwriter friends for some collabs.’

‘And won’t it be suspicious if you have no new songs?’

‘No. These writing trips don’t necessarily equal new songs. They are just a good way to be creative, and sometimes great things come out of them,’ he explained.

‘And you want to spend the weekend with me?’ I asked, biting my lip.

‘Yes,’ Nick replied, sounding sure of himself, like he had absolutely no doubts about this idea. ‘Please say that you’ll come.’

I stayed quiet for a while, thinking about our options. I desperately wanted to see Nick. But…

‘If I come,’ I started slowly, trying to put my concerns into words. ‘It will officially make me a home-wrecker.’

Nick contemplated my words before answering.

‘I won’t let that happen,’ he said, sounding sure and committed. ‘I respect you way too much to put you into that situation.’ I can’t describe how much that statement warmed my heart.

‘C’mon, Nick, I’m pretty sure that I’m already the other woman in your marriage,’ I chuckled bitterly. ‘You, me and a weekend in Stockholm won’t exactly help.’

‘I’ve never touched you,’ Nick said, sounding a little bit less sure now. ‘You can’t be the other woman if nothing physical has ever happened between us.’ It was bullshit and we both knew it. Yet, I’ve stayed quiet, listening to his words. He paused, waiting to see if I was going to interrupt him, then continued: ‘I’ll make sure nothing happens in Stockholm either, if you come.’

‘You won’t touch me?’ I asked, half-chuckling. It was impossible to imagine the two of us being in the same room and not touching each other, especially after the night of FaceTime sex.

‘No,’ he said slowly. ‘I promise.’

Maybe it was only because I’ve missed him so much, or because I just wanted to see him. Or perhaps because I was a little crazy. Anyway, ten minutes later I had a plane ticket booked to Stockholm for next Friday.

The week went by sluggishly slowly. I was looking forward of the trip, yet scared shitless of what was going to happen. I was excited and anxious, didn’t know what to expect. I was doubting the decision to buy the plane ticket, not sure that it was the right thing to do in my situation.

It’s not like I could talk to anyone about it. None of my friends knew about what was going on, they had no idea that I was talking to Nick in the first place. I didn’t tell anyone that I was going to be out of the country either, I just told my boss that I need a day of holiday, turning my weekend into a long weekend.

I could feel that Nick was nervous too. He seemed worried that I was going to change my mind, he checked every day – sometimes twice – if we were really going to see each other on Friday. He also kept an eye on the corona situation, briefing me every time about the slight changes.

On Friday morning, I woke up at 5. My plane was leaving at 12 o’clock my time, so I only had to be at the airport by ten, yet I couldn’t sleep. I triple checked if I’ve packed everything, I took my dog to the neighbor for her to look after him, and by the time the clock hit 8:45, I was calling a cab. Normally I didn’t mind spending time at the airport, but I was a little worried about how the COVID situation might change things.

It was all fine, only barely any people were in the waiting terminal of the airport. I looked around in the duty free stores, bought a coffee and a sandwich and by the time boarding started, I was antsy and could barely sit in one place. I surprised even myself, but not once did I think about not boarding the plane and cancelling the whole trip. Nick was worth it, every risk and every worry.

We agreed to only meet up at the hotel Nick has booked for us. He wanted to pick me up at the airport, but I said it was way too risky. We should avoid any risk at being exposed – not that I believed that anyone would care about a nobody like me, but he was Nick Jonas. What he did, mattered to people, they were interested. I had no idea how crazy the fans in Sweden were, but we shouldn’t risk anything.

By the time I was waiting for my luggage at Stockholm Arlanda Airport – by the way, it was my first time in the country -, my stomach was in knots and I felt like I was going to throw up in a minute. I wanted to see Nick so much that it hurt – at the same time I was extremely anxious about this meeting. What if he didn’t like me in person anymore? What if it was all going to be awkward? What if he won’t show up, because he realized he wasn’t interested in me after all?

In the taxi it got even worse. I felt like the driver knew that I was on my way to completely break up a happy marriage. That I was a whore, that I was a homewrecker, the other woman, someone who didn’t give a shit about the sacred institution of marriage. I tried concentrating on the beautiful city around me, but I couldn’t. I was thorn between wanting to do the right thing and wanting to see Nick.

When I arrived at the hotel, the minute I gave the fake name Nick has booked the hotel room to the receptionist, I could feel the judgement coming from her. What kind of woman would be someone that was meeting up with a man in a hotel room? Especially in an exquisite five-star hotel room.

On the way up to the top floor, in the elevator I felt like I needed to scream. I bit my lip so hard, I’m sure the marks of my teeth were deep enough to see, I had my hand in fists and as much as I wanted to appreciate everything around me, as beautiful as they were, I couldn’t. The only things I could concentrate on were Nick and the guilt of being someone that destroys a marriage in a few minutes.

Because, you see, until we only went on a random late-night sightseeing trip and talked on the phone, we weren’t technically doing anything wrong, nothing that I’d even consider worthy of destroying a marriage. What we did was pure fantasizing and talking about our problems, our thoughts. But now, I was only a few steps away from physically entering a hotel room with a man that had a wife back in the US. This was the definition of cheating. Even if we didn’t touch each other during this weekend at all – which I couldn’t really imagine as much as I wanted -, we were a married man and a single woman in a hotel room, in a country where neither of us should’ve been, with no one knowing about our plans to see each other.

It was all wrong. Yet my guilt about being a home-wrecker was nowhere near as big as my desire – need – to see Nick, the boy whose company has gotten me through these past two months, the loneliest time of my life. The boy, whose voice could instantly calm my nerves, who could take my mind off anything, and whom I cared about much more than I ever thought I would care about any man.

Before I touched the keycard to the lock of the door 912, I needed to take some deep breaths. I could do this, couldn’t I? I was able to go in and spend time with Nick, my friend, without doing anything really stupid. I was a smart girt and he was always in control of his actions. We could do this, keep ourselves from committing adultery and just spend some quality time together.

The moment I set foot in the hotel room, I literally forgot how to breath. Nick was standing in front of the huge windows, so I could only see his back. He was wearing a white dress shirt and some black washed jeans, his hair looked a bit unruly, probably a result of running his hands through it so many times. As he heard the door open and close behind me, he immediately turned around, his handsome face full of worry and anticipation. When our gazes connected, it seemed like he was sharing my symptoms of acute respiratory failure.

It all dawned on me at once. All of the feelings, all of the fears and desires and dreams. It was too much, for a person to be feeling all of this at the same time. Sadness, happiness, need, fear, anxiety, longing, guilt, excitement… and many more things that I couldn’t even describe.

I could feel the tears well up in my eyes and I couldn’t decide if they were tears of sadness, happiness or simply just stress. It was like the world stopped for as long as we were staring at each other, not being able to say a word. I never thought something like this was possible, just forgetting how to function because of another person.

I wanted to run into his arms and hug him so close to me, probably never let him go. To kiss him deeply, to touch him, explore his skin in person, to be intimate with him, to show him how much I care. I wanted him to comfort me, to make me forget everything that was happening in the world, to calm me, to be the only thing on my mind. But it wasn’t possible, was it? I couldn’t touch him like I wanted to, I couldn’t be with him in the way I needed to.

And this broke my heart.

‘I… I can’t do this,’ I whispered as a teardrop rolled down on my face. I couldn’t torture myself with spending time with him, when he’d never be mine the way I really wanted him. I couldn’t hold myself back from touching him. I just couldn’t. Two days in this room, with distance between us seemed like a nightmare.

I shook my head and with one last glance at Nick, I turned around. I shouldn’t have come here. It was a mistake.

‘Milla,’ I heard his voice and the sound of his steps, and the moment I slightly opened the door, he pushed it back, closing it. I tensed, feeling him stand way too closely behind my back. I could feel heat radiating off his body. I was holding onto my suitcase with one hand, the other was still on the doorknob. I couldn’t move, Nick completely paralyzed me. ‘Stay,’ he whispered, his lips touching the back of my head.

I sighed, slightly tilting my head backwards. As much as my mind knew that I needed to leave, that I couldn’t do this, my body betrayed me. It wanted to be as close to Nick as possible, touch him in any single way.

Nick was perhaps feeling something similar, since this little movement was enough for him to let the door go and place both of his hands on my waist, turning me around carefully and pulling me to him, as close to his body as physically possible.

I gave up, my body won this fight.

My hand let go of my suitcase and found Nick’s neck as I buried myself into his arms, as close as I could. I let his muscular arms wrap around me, feeling small in his arms. I let his fingertips press into my sides, as he was pulling me even closer. I let him bury his face in my hair, pressing a tender kiss to my temple. I let his unique scent fill up my lungs.

I only realized I was sobbing into his chest when he started shushing me and carefully running his hand up and down on my back. I guess it was all of the stress and all of the emotions together to make me react like this. I wanted to pull away, a little bit embarrassed of myself but Nick wouldn’t let me.

‘Shhh,’ I heard his deep voice full of emotions. ‘It’s okay, dear.’

‘Nothing about this is okay,’ I mumbled into his chest, but didn’t try to pull away again.

I felt home. Suddenly all of the last two months’ loneliness was gone. I felt safe and content, like nothing in the outside word mattered, only the fact that I was in the arms of the man I probably trusted most in my life. And while it was a nice feeling, the guilt of it was also eating me up. He wasn’t mine, his job wasn’t to make me feel safe. He had a wife at home, a wife that had no idea what her husband was currently doing, that he was in a hotel room countries away with another woman.

‘I thought you promised you weren’t going to touch me at all,’ I noted long-long minutes later, after my tears stopped and I was able to normally breathe again. Nick let me pull away a bit, but still had his hands on my waist. He was close, probably way too close. His eyes were dark and glistering with countless emotions, yet his face stayed expressionless.

‘I’m not going to touch you in any way I wouldn’t touch a fan or a friend,’ he nodded, his voice a bit hoarse.

‘Like that is going to do the trick,’ I said sarcastically, chuckling bitterly. Just because he wasn’t going to kiss me or we weren’t going to have sex, it didn’t mean that we should’ve let the guilt go.

‘Don’t be like that,’ he asked softly, and I could see on this pretty face that he really was asking, not ordering this time. This version of him, this caring and cautious boy in front of me melted my heart a little bit. His fingers were slowly caressing my waist before he let go of me completely, and I immediately started missing the warmth. ‘The suite has two bedrooms, I’m going to put your suitcase into one,’ he announced, and before I could even nod, he was pulling my luggage from behind me, before I could change my mind and try to leave again.

After fixing my makeup and freshening my face up in the bathroom, I walked back out to the spacious living area of the suite, exploring a bit. It looked amazing, with a great view to the harbor. This must’ve cost a fortune to Nick and I felt a little bit guilty for letting him pay. I did offer him that we should stay in different hotels, but he shot the idea down instantly. He said, he wanted us to spend as much time together as possible, so he opted for the best solution, us staying in the same hotel room. Before I could put up a fight, he’s already paid for this suite.

I mindlessly ran my fingers on Nick’s black Dolce jacket, just thrown on the back of the couch, then shushed my guilt about the money thing away. He was Nick Jonas, this was spare change for him. Besides, he was the one inviting me out here, so I shouldn’t make this into a big deal, it was fine.

I walked out to the balcony, leaning onto the railing as I took in the view in front of me. Never once would I have thought that my first time in Stockholm would be a secret trip with Nick Jonas. It was kind of ridiculous, even crazy what can happen in life in a few weeks.

‘Do you want some wine?’ Nick asked, returning to the living area after having changed his dress shirt to a plain black tee.

‘Sure,’ I nodded, taking a seat on the comfy looking couch outside. I was in my leather jacket and jeans from the plane, but since it wasn’t too warm outside, I didn’t mind the extra layer of clothing on me.

‘Here.’ He handed me a glass of white wine, and after sat down on the other end of the couch. I thanked him, grateful for something that would relieve some of the tension about the situation.

I couldn’t turn my glance away from Nick. He looked so handsome, and at the same time so normal. It was strange, seeing him like this, like it was just an average day. I’ve only seen him in interviews before, or through the screen of my phone, and this was different. So mundane, so ordinary.

He never looked away from me either, his eyes remained mainly fixated on my face. I didn’t care that he knew I was staring at him, as I didn’t care that he was staring too. We’ve spent months of talking to each other, he knew me, my thoughts, my fears better than anyone else in my life, yet we’ve spent so little time actually being in the same place or just seeing each other.

Never did I believe that you can get close to someone who you’ve barely even met in person before. It was just another strange thing in life, the fact that we did get close to one another without physically being anywhere near.

‘What?’ I asked with a bashful smile on my face when he started chuckling softly.

‘I’m just so happy that you’re here,’ Nick said, and he really seemed that. He was so relaxed, much more than I’ve ever seen him before, and his aura relaxed me too. I was happy too. Guilty, but happy. It was a strange thing, to be feeling something so positive and so negative at the same time.

‘This is so surreal,’ I chuckled, taking a sip of my wine.

‘Yeah,’ he nodded. ‘It is also kind of amazing.’

‘Yes, it is.’

We’ve spent the afternoon mindlessly talking about anything and everything. It was such a change, actually seeing his face when he spoke, seeing his reaction to my words. I’ve known him for months now, yet it was like we’ve just met. Exploring each other’s mimic, hearing each other’s voice for hours… it was all new.

About half an hour into our conversation I’ve almost completely let go of any negative feelings in me about this trip. This was so worth it, I was probably happier than ever since Barcelona. Seeing Nick, being with Nick… Made me so happy that I couldn’t even begin to describe.

The stupid, beaming smile never left my face, and I couldn’t really concentrate on anything other than Nick, his moves, his body, his face. He wasn’t close to me, he remained on his spot on the outside couch and I stayed in mine. His face mirrored my expression, he also seemed unusually happy and calm. I loved seeing him like this. It wasn’t Nick Jonas in the suite with me, it was just Nick, the boy I’ve gotten so close to in the past months. He was just a normal guy, not a world phenomenon.

For dinner we’ve ordered some room service: mini hamburgers, fries, nachos and some fruits. Until it arrived, I went into the room Nick has put my bag into to change into something more comfortable, sweatpants and a white T-shirt. When I walked back out, Nick was checking his sugar at the dining room table.

‘Tell me about it,’ I asked.

‘The diabetes?’ he asked, glancing my way from the table as he was waiting for the result.

‘Yeah,’ I nodded. ‘I know you can manage it and it doesn’t hold you back from living your life to the fullest.’

‘Well, it was a process,’ Nick said. ‘At the beginning it was scary, but as I got into the routine, it became part of my everyday life. Now checking my blood sugar isn’t really a task, but just part of my days,’ he shrugged.

‘You have an insulin pump, right?’ I asked.

‘It’s called a Dexcom,’ he nodded and lightly raised the bottom of his T-shirt to show me the white device attached to his belly, close to his V-lines. ‘It does most of the work, but I still have to check if everything is all right.’

‘And what if it doesn’t?’ I asked, biting my lip. ‘I mean, I just want to know what I need to do if you aren’t feeling well. Teach me,’ I asked.

I’ve never dealt with type-1 diabetes in my life, so up until now I didn’t need to know the details. Talking to Nick through the phone didn’t make it necessary either to me to be educated on the dos and don’ts of his condition. But being here with him, especially with no one else around, I just didn’t feel quite comfortable not knowing what I need to do in an emergency. It was important and it wasn’t just something I wanted to ignore. It was part of Nick, an important and dangerous part.

He looked at me in awe for a long minute, and I had no idea what I’ve said. It was like he was surprised yet touched from my questions and request.

‘Thank you,’ he said quietly, sounding much more grateful than the situation would’ve requested him to be. ‘Come here.’ Nick reached out and I walked beside him. ‘See this little screen?’ he asked and I nodded, looking at the little device in his hand. ‘This shows how my glucose levels were changing through the day. The red dots mark the times I’ve measured my blood sugar with a finger prick. This little device usually keeps my blood sugar in check, but sometimes it can’t, that’s why I can’t neglect the finger pricking.’

‘And what if the device has a failure, or it just doesn’t work and there is a problem with your sugar?’ I asked.

‘If the traditional blood sugar measuring device says that I’m too low, I usually need to eat something. I always have snacks on me, like candy bars. If I’m high, I need insulin. You can find that in the inside pocket of my jacket, or my bag,’ he explained, motioning to the Dolce jacket on the couch.

‘And if you just suddenly start feeling sick and we don’t have time to measure your blood sugar?’ I asked. ‘How do I know if you’re high or low?’

‘Difference of symptoms.’ This was a side of Nick that the outside world barely seen anything of. Of course, everybody knew that he was diabetic, sometimes he even talked about it in interviews, but never this deep. He was a professional in this topic, he had to be. ‘High blood sugar comes with nausea and blurred vision most of the times, or extreme drowsiness. Low blood sugar is accompanied by shaking, fast heartbeat, sweating, dizziness and weakness.’

‘Okay,’ I nodded, making a mental note of these symptoms. They were essential for me to know.

Dinner was light and easy. Talking to Nick was like talking to my best friend. I didn’t have to think twice about what I was going to say, and after all the times I’ve been embarrassed in front of him, it seemed like now I was over it. I trusted him, and he must’ve trusted me too, since he was sharing very confidential information. Hell, the fact that we were in this hotel room was very confidential itself.

Seeing him so mundane, so normal, really just a guy changed it for me. I mean, the past months since we’ve known each other, I got to know him as just Nick, the amazing guy, but I never forgot that he was Nick Jonas, my teenage idol. Now, spending a whole day with him, being in the same place as him, most moments I managed to forget his last name and I only saw the most amazing person in him.

I felt happier than I’ve felt for a while, and it was all thanks to the curly haired boy with me. We joked around, flirted and talked, but he never once said anything inappropriate, and he also kept to his promise of not touching me. At all. Truth is, it was making me a little bit crazy, being in the same hotel room with him, yet not being able to touch. Nothing disturbed out peace, not even a phone call from his wife – which is probably due to Nick being on a ‘songwriting retreat’.

It was dangerous and exciting and painful and sweet. Sometimes during the evening when we walked by each other and our skin would accidentally touch, I could instantly feel shivers running down my spine. Nick usually just smirked, clearly noticing his effect on me, which was quite ridiculous. It was fun and crazy at the same time, his stupid effect on me.

The real problems started when bedtime came. Neither of us really wanted to sleep, we were keen on enjoying each other’s company as long as we could. It was one in the morning when we said our goodbyes, Nick breaking his promise a little and giving me a kiss on my forehead. A small gesture that made my heart go faster and made me long for him even more. It was extremely hard to turn around and walk into my room without glancing back, yet it was right. Sleep never came, though.

After an hour of trying to fall asleep unsuccessfully, I gave up. My mind was full of Nick – like always -, but now my nose was full of his scent, my fingers were trembling with the need to touch his skin, to explore it, get familiar with it. I was missing the warmth radiating off of his body, his pretty face, his pink lips smirking.

It was crazy, he was literally in the room next to me, yet I was still missing him. I wasn’t stupid, I knew what this was. My body and mind were both longing for him and it caused physical pain that they knew I couldn’t have him, not the way I wanted.

He was married.

He was Nick Jonas.

He was unavailable, at least for me.

At two in the morning I got out of my bed only in my satin PJs, and exited to the balcony, but not before grabbing the box of cigarettes from my bag, a little accessory that I’ve brought with me just in case. I was tense and pretty sure that I’d have trouble falling asleep anyway. Maybe nicotine could calm me, at least enough to fall asleep without jumping Nick first.

It was a bit chilly, just the beginning of May, plus in a northern country, so I shouldn’t have been surprised. It felt great, like I could finally breathe a little, like Nick’s intoxicating signature musk finally left my nostrils, at least for a few minutes. As I inhaled, the smoke filled up my lungs and as much as I usually hated it, now it felt like medicine to the dying.

‘That’s a quite nasty habit.’ His voice startled me a bit, his scent filling up my nose again straightaway. I sighed.

��It’s not really a habit,’ I shrugged. I only smoked occasionally and he knew it. ‘Not like smoking cigars is any better.’

‘Yeah,’ he chuckled, standing next to me. He was wearing some loose sweatpants and a white T-shirt, his hair was messier than an hour earlier. ‘These nasty habits have brought us together though,’ he noted.

‘They did,’ I nodded, thinking back on how crazy these past months have been, how much I’ve gained with Nick in my life, and how much closer I’ve gotten to him.

‘Why are you out here? It’s freezing,’ Nick said, burying his hand into his pockets.

‘Couldn’t sleep,’ I shrugged.

‘Why?’ he asked, sounding concerned.

I turned my face towards him, hoping that he’d just do his thing and I didn’t have to explain myself with words. Nick was looking at me softly, yet he was waiting for a real answer.

I could feel Nick looking at me for a long moment before running a hand though the back of his hair and chuckling in agony.

We looked deeply into each other’s eyes for long minutes in the moonlight. Nick looked more vulnerable than I’ve ever seen him before, and also a bit helpless and brutally honest. This confession of his made my heart melt, but also hurt me, making me sharply inhale the cold Stockholm air.

All I wanted to do was close the distance between us and finally, after these long months just kiss him and forget anything else. Comfort him and myself at the same time. I didn’t want to care about the outside world.

But I did. I was just that person, who couldn’t let her concerns and fears go.

‘Don’t say that,’ I asked quietly, before breaking our connection and turning back towards the view, putting out my cigarette. ‘You’re the married one. You have a significant other. You can’t just say things like this to me.’

‘Do you think I want to?’ he chuckled dryly. I glanced at his face from the corner of my eye, only to see an incredulous and pained expression on it. I hated seeing him like this. ‘Don’t you think I know that this is wrong? That I want to want to be with my wife? Want to think about her all the time, daydream about kissing her, fucking her, loving her?’

I knew he wasn’t expecting and answer so I stayed quiet. Nick’s voice started rising, he seemed a bit angry now.

‘But I can’t!’ he exclaimed. ‘Any time I picture any of those things, my amazing, caring, loving, beautiful wife isn’t the one in my head, as soon as I close my eyes, it’s you, you, you! And I just can’t help it. Don’t you think it’s making me crazy too?’ he asked, not waiting for an answer again. His expression was tense, he gesticulated fervently. I couldn’t move, I was so shocked from this sudden emotional outburst. This talk was timely to happen, yet I didn’t expect it to be so… sudden and intense. ‘I thought I was happy with my marriage, my wife, perfectly content with my life. But the moment I met you… You were like fresh air that I didn’t know I needed. I’m so drawn to you and I can’t help it.’

‘Nick…’ I started, but I had no idea what to say, so I bit my bottom lip instead. Nick looked at me for a long minute, studying my face and weighing his options. Then, with a little hesitation he stepped closer and put a hand on my arm that was holding onto the railing.

‘I know this isn’t fair,’ he started, his voice heavy with emotions and much calmer than before. ‘It’s not fair to Priyanka, to me, to the world and especially to you.’

‘What do you expect me to say to that?’ I asked, after looking into his eyes for a minute. I couldn’t take it, all the emotions I was feeling and the expression on his face. This was torture.

He stayed quiet for a while, his hand laying on my arm, giving me goosebumps. The skin on skin contact made me suddenly aware of how close we were to each other, and how much I wanted to be even closer. But it was wrong, this whole thing was crazy.

‘Can we just… Pretend that everything is okay? Just for the weekend?’ he asked a bit sheepishly and it broke my heart that he felt the need of looking to the ground. As an instinct, I raised my hand to his face, gently making him look at me. I felt like my heart was exploding from the touch of his stubble, the heat radiating off of his skin.

I wanted to say that is was going to be okay. That Priyanka wasn’t waiting for him at home, that what we were doing wasn’t awfully wrong. That this was normal.

‘Can we sleep together?’ I asked quietly, answering his desperate question with a question. ‘I don’t mean sex, just… Sleep in the same bed?’ I needed to ask this question. I wanted it, a little bit of intimacy between us, something that didn’t count as cheating. But Nick was the one that needed to okay it, he was the one that needed to deem as acceptable for his conscience.

He didn’t answer for a few minutes and I started to feel like I was overstepping. Maybe it was okay for me, but it wouldn’t be okay for him. Before I could dive deeper into my doubts, he slipped his hand from my arm to my palm and enlaced our fingers, pulling me towards his bedroom without another word.

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