#this is the dumbest fuckign thing ive ever written

[blookmallow]

ok i guess at least one person asked for this

so i had this assignment for my colonial american lit class where i had to write a parody of a puritan sermon 

basically it’s a creative writing assignment intended to show that we understand the conventions of the writing form/had certain criteria to stick to/etc but it could be about anything. i didn’t want to go too serious with it - my school is very liberal, I’m sure I could’ve written something political or controversial if I wanted to, but i was really not feeling it. it could also, however, be about something absurd

guess which direction i chose to go in

anyway after a lot of stressing out and finally hitting critical “ok the only idea i have is a really stupid one but it’s The Only Idea I Have and this is due in two days” 

i ended up writing an entire elaborate puritanical call out for spiders

someone asked me to post it. i dont know if anyone other than that one anon wants it but, uh

i am a very serious, professional academic student and writer

i present to u

A Most Good And Righteous Call To The Eaters of Flies And Bringers of Foule Dreams

(aka: the spidere lettre) (sidenote: this is not intended to be mocking religion itself in any way. im christian myself. the verses are real but are very intentionally taken completely out of context - this isn’t an actual analysis of scripture, it’s supposed to be absolutely fuckign ridiculous) (moving on)

Isaiah 32:18. And my people shall dwell in a peaceable habitation, and in sure dwellings, and in quiet resting places. 

Herein, upon His most dearest sons and daughters, the Lord God hath proclaimed a promise, a blessing, that we, the people of God, shall dwell in peaceable habitation and quiet resting places. Indeed, this is the Lord’s intention, but I say to you in these dark and cursed days there is no peace in our habitations, and no sure and quiet place in which for God’s people to take rest. What hath removed this peace from us? To what Reason doth my skin shrivel and crawl as I take to my nightly rest? That rest, which, of late, has thus been taken from me?

I speak most directly, to thou, those smallest of God’s great Creation, thou tiniest of God’s beasts upon the Earth who no less possess such Unearthly terrors: thou, the spideres. I intend, in my words sweetly given of the Lord and not of my own invention, not to damn thee, O spideres, as in John 3:17. God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved, but only to Instruct, to Correct, that I and thee may live in Harmony and Peace with one another as the Lord hath ordained. I shall therefore explain to thee severally my purpose in this proper Instruction, and thus permit thy enlightenment as to the mutual understanding that thou ought no longer to remain within my home, hidden amongst my garments and in the corners of shadow until I am to discover you in the midst of the night or some other disagreeable time, and that thy immediate exodus from my dwellingplace is a most inexorable necessity.

Firstly, I say to you, my smallest of brothers, as it is written, 1 Thess. 4:11. And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you. Thus the Lord Almighty hath set down for those in his company that every man shouldst mind his own business, ownly  – and remember, ye spideres, that thou hast no business here in my home, that which mine own hands have built and do rightly maintain, through no labour of thine. There is no business of a spidere which must necessarily be done in my home which could not just as well be done thither outside of it, and in such means thy business be done quietly, apart from mine eyes, and I equally shall do my business inside apart from thine, and thus bothe habitations are to be restored to peace once again.  

Secondly, I must remind thee of the Commandment laid out by the Lord God Himself at Sinai, Ex. 20:17, Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house. The Lord has Himself created a marvellous Home for the spideres in Nature, wherein all thy needs are met according to His good and perfect will, thus thou hast no need of mine. In thy unlawful intrusion upon my home, thou hast denied and refused that which the Lord God hath made for you, instead coveting the home that His good graces have permitted unto me. How canst thou deny thy Creator’s gifts?

Thirdly, and Finally, as in Matt. 21:12, 13. And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple … And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer, but ye have made it a den of thieves. Thou cruele and covetous spideres hath made thy den within this, my house, where I give my daily prayer to God, and as thou art guilty of such sins against me and in stealing away my peace and good comforts, must I then cast thee guilty ones out of this court as Christ cast out the money-changers in the court of the Temple; as He o’erturned the tables of the dove-sellers in the House of the Lord, so I turn the tables on thee! 

And God’s people said, Amen!