#this is reminding me of my first ever lotr post. ranking cock lengths :.)

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

I saw a poll from like a million years ago about who in the fellowship had the most sexual experience pre-quest and I had to give my hot takes, so here they are, least to most

9. Frodo: Frodo came dead last in the poll with 0.5% of the vote and I completely agree, known poetry virgin Frodo Baggins has never fucked or sucked in his life. He DOES know what sex is, but only because he accidentally discovered Bilbo's secret stash of freaky elvenporn. the only person who thinks frodo has ever gotten laid is sam, who is incapable of realizing that not everyone is as cock-throttlingly erect for frodo as he is at all times

8. Pippin: the asexual friend who's constantly making horny jokes

7. Sam: could've been absolutely slangin it back in the shire, but he's a good catholic who's waiting until hobbit-marriage

6. Boromir: would've gotten laid more often if he didn't insist on taking women home to meet his father when things started getting serious (also he shoots his shot with aragorn one time but it goes nowhere because he's bewitched by elfussy, so he spends the rest of his life denying his bisexuality, also limiting sex opportunities)

5. Merry: brandybucks brandyFUCK, you know he was out there slutting it up, probably having sex in boats like some kind of freak

4. Legolas: Putting him higher than Merry solely because he's lived about a thousand times longer. proportionate to lifespan, I don't think he fucks as much, but just by the numbers, any given elf has probably fucked out of boredom more often than the horniest hobbit fucks in their life

3. Gimli: a chad among dwarves, gets more cooch than he knows what to do with, dicks down on the daily, the only reason he isn't mid-orgy 24/7 is because he's busy with noble courtly duties

2. Aragorn: this man fucks like a wild dog and I will not hear otherwise, have you ever had dick so good you gave up immortality for it??? yeah, didn't think so. he has laid pipe in every square inch of rivendell multiple times, not to mention many furious woodland fuckfests (with arwen, with his grizzled old ranger buddies, sometimes at the same time. she matches his freak)

Gandalf: he fucks on a level no mortal and only a select few number of immortals can possibly even begin to comprehend. he had sex with the balrog probably too