#this is pregame before my therapy appointment tomorrow btw

[lucaswarmhotchocolate]

I dont think I'm 'mature for my age', in the sense that I feel like I'm better than other 16 year olds or more capable of doing 'adult' things, or anything like that. But I do think I'm mature for my age in the sense that I am so incredibly old, and tired, and yet still naive and generally unaware of most things an actual adult is aware of.

I have 16 years of life experience, just barely, and I spent a few years of it maturing rapidly and impressively. I learned to cook when I was quite young to feed me and my little brother, and I was being taken advantage of, used as a servant, almost, by my father. I have an emotionally immature mother who manipulates me the best she can, and then tells me I'm manipulating her the second I shed a tear or whine or complain or try to tell her about something she doesnt want to hear. And she is trying to be better, and to a degree she is succeeding, though I think, personally, it's too little too late.

My therapist cried a few times listening to me talk about my childhood, but she's gotten used to it now and she's very helpful, and she knows I'm mature and immature at the same time and I appreciate that more than she will ever know. But I dont think most people get it.

I have some level of emotional awareness that is beyond the scope of my classmates, but it doesnt prevent me from feeling things that I know are illogical. I know I'm not a failure as a human being for failing my classes, and I know I'm not entirely stupid, even if I am an idiot sometimes. I know these things, and I know more, and I try to help myself but I am still vulnerable, and weak and squishy and soft like any 16 year old is.

And though I have these same illogical thoughts as many other 16 year olds, I cant seem to connect with anyone. Everyone seems to have worries so incredibly different from mine.

Everyone is either relatively normal, unharmed, suffering from recently divorced parents or pressure to get into a good college or weird drama in their cute little cliques, or still in a state of being abused or neglected or starving and it's a bit odd. I refuse to be dragged into some melodramatic gossip that, quite honestly, wouldn't even interest me if it were in a tv show. And I refuse to get attached to someone who will make me worse and suffer and expect me to fix them or otherwise suffer with them. I cant do either of those things, though I suppose the latter is incredibly uncommon in my area.

So, here i am, mature for my age and unable to make appropriate friends or go longer than 3 months without imploding and thinking of dying, or discovering some new horrible memory from my childhood, and yet still being so incredibly immature and childish.

I'm not a kid, or an adult, and you would think that would make me just a regular teenager, but I dont feel like one in any sense other than technicalities.

And this post is filled with childish nonsense, you can see me being judgey, and I come off a bit annoyingly I think. A bit "I'm not like other girls," but I can assure you I would love to be like other girls, I would love to have stupid things to worry about, low stakes adventures. I used to be able to do that, to find a few other traumatized kids and hang out and hop fences and read in the dugout and yell and laugh but something in me changed and I cant anymore.

Anyways, this is just a very long way to say, "hey I might panic everytime I think of what to do after high school, and i might be a shameful relative to have, but at least I dont smoke."