#this is older stuff I have no new art ideas rn

[catdile]

Hi yes I just found you and your modern au and I absolutely love it! May I please have some more?

TYSM you may you may !!

[directdogman]

Dogman, how do you write SO WELL!?!? I love all your characters and I need to know what/where you find inspo from...

Ha. Every writer is just someone who apes the creative processes of their inspirations. For video game writing specifically, there's two answers for me.

Toby Fox is always gonna be a huge inspiration for me. I've written plots and characters before and had to abandon ideas after realizing I'd accidentally written part of UT again. Even some of the ideas I used were undeniably inspired by UT in a subconscious way and ofc, I included several explicit references to UT in my last series. Toby's a very clever guy who likely pays very close attention to the art he consumes and tries to figure out how to maximize how much his work connects with his audience. Whatever his process is, it works.

The other answer is a lil funnier: Scott Cawthon, but specifically the legend, not the man. For context: Back in the earlier days of the FNaF fandom, people had a hyper-inflated view of Scott Cawthon's writing skills that largely came from how little of a presence he had back in those days. In the vacuum of Scott actually explaining his own process in detail, people got caught up in his genuinely creative way of hiding exposition in his games using cryptid and (then) unexpected methods, and a narrative formed (one that he's since refuted.)

While he never implied it tmk, fans broadly believed that he constructed these sweeping and complex narratives with tons of cohesive moving parts, with the games essentially acting like the mere tip of his lore iceberg. People even thought he wrote so much that he had whole games worth of lore outlined from the beginning! In the first Dawko interview he gave, he clarified that this wasn't the case and explained roughly what his process was (basically just outlining rough theme ideas + aesthetics for future titles.)

However, that legend made younger-me's mind run wild and any time I wrote a story, it became very difficult for me to not keep writing down ideas while completing the grunt work that followed me finishing my scripts. When I finished DSaF 1, I already had DSaF 2's draft written and by the time 2 was done, I had enough lore for a 3rd game on paper (and a lot more stuff that I didn't use.) By the time three was out, I had pages upon pages of unused concepts/story ideas and more or less just had to decide to call it quits or else I'd be pumping out entries forever!

That's why if you go back to those older games, there's references that directly refer to future plot-points in pretty casual/easy to miss ways. (Like Henry's mention in DSaF 1, Dave being heartless in DSaF 2, Jack being soulless in 1, and even Blackjack being Jack's soul in 2. Most of 3's major plotpoints are implied somewhere in 2 and some of 2's in 1.)

DT is much the same. By the time I finished writing it, I had fairly detailed drafts for arcs for each of the characters, some early material ended up getting completely recontextualized (and even modified in small ways to not conflict with the wider ideas I came up with.)

I get really into writing my stories/characters and I always wonder exactly how things ended up where they are, what characters think about but don't say, etc etc. This is why I have an obscene amount of Crown lore that I have very little to do with rn (since he impacted the whole world so deeply.)

This extra stuff also includes plenty of sequel material ideas, though I didn't think I'd even get a chance to use them since DT performed pretty meagerly before the big release and I was expecting to have to move onto something new. Though it turned out that Scott didn't actually write his games this way (by his own admission), it's the correct answer for what my core writing inspiration for writing game narratives is.

Hope this helps!

[herbivorp]

grrr these guys. qsmp designs for them :3

going to infodump about them a little more and why I included certain details and stuff!:

first of all I am aware that c!bad is drained of his color/blueish rn and his kids are missing, AND that skeppy isnt even on the island and they are seperated! :,) and these are mostly my own headcanons!

Rn Skeppy is stuck outside of the island (the gas station?? lmao) with skeppyjr, and this design of bad is correct to the current events but I'll say it's like right before the eggs went missing (the only changes would be rips to his outfit, his complexion, and obv his change of mood (I've drawn this a few times!!)

If you noticed, their designs are signifcantly more cluttered and complex compared to my older designs which is on purpose! I feel like with the amount of trauma they've both gone through that would build up, and I'm trying to find a neutral and artistc way to portray that This is also only one of Bad's forms (he has three) and Skeppy's shown without his headbox. I have some ideas for Skeppy's face (mostly scars) I may make art of when I feel like it o_o A lot of the scars I've included are placed with a ton of thought in mind, like both of them have eggpire related scars and Bad especially has a ton of new ones from his time on the island. he also carries totems and has the addition of netherite While its on my mind uhh they both make their own clothing but Bad makes most of it! They get all of their jewlrey and armor from a pair of Bad's friends in the nether (which are my ocs mwahah)

I have so so so much more info I could put here but I can't think of it atm

I'm working on getting toyhouse profiles for them with both of their entire timelines set up and coded and stuff so be on the lookout for that!

[extra-vertebrae]

Hello! I followed u an eon ago on a different account, and am so excited to see ur art come up on my feed again. Idk if this is the best place to send this; Id feel awkward sending a whole email for this and I dont have a twitter anymore (dumpster fire.) i love all ur designs, but I keep coming back to ur pokemon ones. I’m so fond of them. It makes me want to experiment w body horror art.

I know ppl have sent u mean-spirited asks in the past abt them. I just want to say: I went thru ur old art and said a variation of “aww, a cutie!” Or “oh, poor babyyy :(“ in the occasion that their breeding has created things like chronic pain. At no point was I thinking. Idk, they were ugly or mean (to the pokemon franchise)? To me, ppl like that just have bad taste 🤷🏽‍♀️

I do wanna see more of ur original stuff, certainly! Im just being nostalgic rn.

Thank you so much for your message! I'm glad you still enjoy those old designs, and that they're inspiring you to give body horror themes a try!

Thankfully most of those types of messages are gone, though I'm sure my lack activity in the Pokemon space since then has probably helped a lot in this regard.

Haha, I still find a lot of them pretty cute, too. There's some good design shapes and ideas in some of those older pieces that maybe I can recycle and refine or develop into something new someday.

I definitely would like to share more original work; I'm going through a sort of transitional phase with my art at the moment, so there isn't much to share that I legitimately feel like posting. I can, however, share this lineup of vehicular characters that were sketched up some weeks ago for Funky Town:

I've always had a general appreciation for mechanical shapes and design; I've learned that that general appreciation runs deeper than anticipated, so hard surface focused / adjacent design has been where my mind has been at recently.

[factual-fantasy]

23 ASK! THANK YOU VER MUCH!! :DD🦆

No problem! And when it comes to showing your support? The absolute best way that will make me the most happy is comments.

It doesn't have to be a reblog or an ask like this one. Although it can be. It doesn't have to be a thought out comment complimenting a specific thing in the art piece.

Comments like "I love this!" or "💖💖💖!!" or things like "AKSKAJNCSDJNKVJN" or even "EATING THIS ART RN" are wonderful. You could leave the same generic comment on all of my artwork and flood my notifications, and I would still love and appreciate that more than getting fanart and ending up uncomfortable.

It doesn't have to be thought out, it doesn't have to be on every piece. But if you want more art from me? Remember that the #1 thing I look forward to when I post art, is reading the comments.

Now make no mistake! Foxy IS basically the big brother out of the 6. When it comes to his personality and his relations with the other animatronics.. he was always seen as the cool older brother that always knew what to do and how to cheer you up.

Foxy just gets picked on for being the "little brother" becuase he is shorter and significantly lighter than everyone else. So even little Chica was strong enough to pick him up and swing him around XDD

Also I have no idea how old the animatronics would be.. 💔 I just imagine that Foxy would be one of, if not the oldest!

(Post in question)

Well of course! Cici is indeed also the little creature of all time! The mic was just simply not offered to her- <XDD

@tallchest13-blog

AWWW!! I LOVE THEM SO MUCH 😭😭😭💖🥺💖😭😭

@neo-metalscottic

oooo!! :00 Noted! Thank you very much for the info!! :DD

:DDDD PAPYRUS BEST FRIEND!!

I have not seen the new chapter, no.. :(

@taizarack

aaaa I don't know! <:0 I've never played the games so I'm unfamiliar with those characters. Are they well known characters..? Are they evil? Are they friendly? I assume if they're not a threat my crew would be cordial with them..? <:D aaa idk! Sorry!-- (Though speaking of squid ink cookie I have drawn that one before..👀👀)

As for Papyrus, here is the initial post about him that I made.

Then at the bottom of this ask post there's a chunk of important Papyrus lore..

There's another chunk of very important Papyrus lore in this ask post..

There's a couple nuggets of good lore in this post as well..

Then there's this post I made about Frisk finding Papyrus :00

And a few Papyrus nuggets sprinkled in here! Not to mention I discuss more of his story further down in this post! This is all the info I could find on poor Papyrus, I hope this was helpful! :}

@lildiaperboyjake

XD I'm glad you like him! And I'm sure he wouldn't mind a hug! Unlike the canon version, my Funtime Freddy is actually safe to hug!.. For now-

@astahertheelf

:DD Thank you so much!! :}}

As for all the Bibi stuff. You can find everything about him or the rest of the fam under the "#bibi" tag or the "#factual fam" tag on my blog. There's also the "#my ocs" tag and the "#my original stuff" tag :0 though I don't think the latter has much attached to it-

I've been meaning to make a master post for all the Bibi/factual fam stuff but I don't have the headspace to do all that atm-

I thiiink you can eat them?? Probably yeah. I think the lore from the games is that they are literally, actually, living cookies. And they probably taste like the thing they're based on.

Soooo the only one that would taste good is Coconut XDD

XD She is very proud of him

@sparkdrawsstuff

Its all extremely vague, but I kiiind'a have an idea..??

Seafoam and Octo obviously met as little kids. They grew up side by side and when Foam wanted to get a ship and become a pirate? Octo followed him and became his first mate.

At somepoint after they picked up Ellie and Louis. Thiiinking that they knew Ellie before they got the ship and she joined them..? Not sure about Louis..

Now when it was just the four of them. They got caught in a great storm while out at sea. Blue Beauty saw this ship clearly struggling and in danger so she helped guide the ship to calmer waters. It was her help alone that prevented the ship from sinking. She probably secretly followed them around for a while before making herself more known and officially joining the crew.

Uhhhh Pinwheel, Coconut and Tuna were all troubled youths that were taken under Seafoam's/Octo's wing. Not really sure about Spider Crab..? But I'm thinking that he's the medic of the crew. Also not so sure about Cuddle or Urchin.. Though I'm thinking that this isn't Cuddles first rodeo. She could be an experienced pirate that somehow indebted herself to Seafoam..? Maybe once she paid her debt she stuck with the crew because they were neat? Though she seems like the crafty type.. She seems like she'd rather slip away undetected instead of staying to faithfully clear her debts.. Not sure about that one--

And Red is Seafoam's great nephew. He lost his mother/crew in some kind of tragedy which resulted in Seafoam taking him in.. Poor Red :((

XD I did something similar once-

The Afton's do exist. All of them. They are a core part of the AU. :00 Just like in canon! But as for their roles or where they are now or what happened to them... alas, I cannot reveal such things.. :(

As for the Sister Location AU tho--- I'm thinking that William Afton is alive and well and he runs the Circus.. 👀👀👀

Oh man, she dreams of doing so. But Sadly, she is much too large to give him a kiss :(

Unless.. 🤔 If Seafoam somehow grew or she shrank? hmm..

(Post in question)

Yeah, its was interesting.. but not for the reasons you'd think.

Papyrus recognized Seam and Jevil. He addressed them by name. He didn't approach them, seeing as Seam was very tense..

He said that he was happy to see them again. Explained how he worried about them, and was glad to see that they were both ok.

Seam and Jevil both looked like a deer caught in the headlights. If Jevil had the strength to do so, he might have just retreated with a mirror..

Sensing all this, Frisk tells the group Papyrus' story. Some of the group is skeptical, for the same reasons Seam was all that time ago.

But Frisk grantees the group that Papyrus is genuine. She says she has never met a kinder soul before. That no matter what timeline she may choose, genocide, pacifist, neutral.. Papyrus was always full of kindness to his very core. And that she believes his story 100%.

Grillby and River Person back this up. Saying that the Papyrus from their worlds was a very kind soul too..

Jevil is too exhausted to really process this much. But the horror of the situation settles on Seam. Realizing that Papyrus was actually a victim. They had the power to free him all those years ago. And they ran..

Its not addressed right away.. but eventually its brought up again. They both feel horrible for what they did. Leaving him to suffer alone for so many years..

But of course,, Papyrus's kindness never ends. It never broke or faltered after all this time. He forgives them. With all his soul he forgives them. He says he was never angry at them, he fully understands now why they left and he does not blame them. He's just glad to see that they're ok. And he's happy that he's not alone anymore. :}

@solst1ce-sketches

AAA THANK YOU SO MUCH!! :DDD

@csdumpster

I'm not sure if he has Polar Madness.. correct me if I misunderstood, but Google seems to say that Polar Madness is mostly about being sick of the people around you. Being with the same people for months would drive anyone crazy and make them super irritable.

It also talks about developing sleep disorders due to the strange night and day cycle. It mentions anger and depression too..

I'm thinking that the main two issues, sleep and irritability towards coworkers, aren't a problem for Natquik. For 1 he doesn't have any coworkers- but also he's an Arctic fox! He grew up in the Arctic. These strange night and day cycles are nothing new to him, in fact he was designed to live with these cycles! So I think he's safe there.

Now the depression part.. due to the extreme loneliness he must have felt eventually.. that could be a problem. But hey at least my version of Natquik has Marsh and Jack to keep him company XD

..oh wait, the Everglades. I wonder if Natquick would develop some kind of.. Florida Madness trying to deal with those different night cycles and living with those two morons for weeks XDD

(Post in question)

OH YEAH!! I can totally see it! XDD

(Sorry for the late reply! I am unwell-😢)

Aww, 🥺Perhaps they do. They're all doomed 💖

(Sorry for the very late reply, things really got away from me-)

I'd like to imagine the 5 of us all sitting down and I spawn/draw in a bunch of food for everyone to try and pick their favorite.

Bibi picks chicken nuggets. Jangles picks bowtie pasta with cheese cubes and Miracle whip. Every time Cici tastes something new she claims its her favorite, so she hasn't really figured it out yet- maybe strawberries??

Gerald's favorite is celery. Mind you I did not draw any celery, and he has never tasted it before. But he has a very strong feeling that it is surly his favorite.

[unorcadox]

UNORCADOX

howdy, i'm mabel! it's the 3 year anniversary of unorcadox today, so i've prepared a decent bit of surprises. (and yes that means i started this blog in 2020, which is terrifying to think about.) i'll go into those new things under the cut, but first... check out the carrd linked in the header text of this post :3c

sooo soo so so so where on earth do i begin. uhh honestly let me just break down the new stuff first since i can talk about that more easily.

THE NEW LOOK! ok so like truth be told, i've been a faceless blog on purpose up until now. it wasn't until this summer where i actually liked how i looked or had any solid sense of my own aesthetic or what i wanted to look like. it also made it easier to protect against dysphoria and transphobes in the same breath, as no one could ever comment on any aspect of my appearance, or even the mere suggestion i even had one to begin with! but that all changes now, i'm going to actually have a presence on this blog, as it is MY blog and tbh i'm tired of being so faceless on here. that's why i've been doing more asks and non-edit posts recently, and those will increase in frequency. check out the carrd for more info, my sona's ref, and art credits for assets on here <3

mondays -> MUSIC MONDAYS! so it might come as a shock i'm actually a musician in addition to making stuff on here! i've promoted my music a couple of times by now, but nothing all that substantial. sooo, considering that, i'm going to be replacing monday oc posts with a music post! just a link to a song on my bandcamp and a little description about it. i don't really care if these perform particularly well, but i want to give people a chance to actually hear it without having to deep dive through my entire internet history to get it. i also will be releasing more soon-- whether via compilations of older work or new stuff altogether :3

MORE IN THE FUTURE! i have a couple other ideas up my sleeve, we'll see how they pan out but i wanna keep trying new possibilities on here. i think at this point i've proven my consistency, and it's about time i let myself have a little fun and explore my options. these will be announced individually but probably added here over time as this is the new pinned post lol.

----- ----- -----

ok so anyways, i do wanna have the mandatory sappy segment because of course i do. i want to say a couple of things but i'll split them into bullet points again bc yeah i do that.

this year has been really good for me and the blog, in most ways it's been the straight up best year of my life uncontested. not everything has gone perfectly, i had other plans that fell through, but hey that's just how life goes huh. at one point, i was easily projected to hit 20k by the end of the year, and now i'll be happy if i hit 17k lol. tumblr has not been that kind to my blog's growth this year and it's making me consider other options in the future, but everything's so scary rn i don't wanna commit to anything.

as for the blog itself, i've kinda been in a weird spot with it for a while. i've been scraping by on here intermittently for the entire year on and off, and i might have some ways to help keep me on top of the ball during the next year, but i also do wonder how long i can really keep doing this, and how long people will still like weirdcore and my work in particular. i've been considering branching out in terms of my presentation, or format, or style, but i feel incredibly weird about doing so.

in my personal life, this is the year i finally started transitioning and seeking treatment for my most pressing issues. i've finally started dating the love of my life, my best friend of 10 years, and despite some interpersonal turmoil all around me, i think i'm finally finding safe ground and knowing what i wanna do next. i don't really talk about it on here because i'm very private about it, but i've been kinda slowly becoming like a Real Adult Person this year. i didn't really have much of a chance to prior and i still am struggling a lot, but hey i know what i want now!

it's really silly to say but this blog still means a lot to me! it's seen me through the craziest times in my entire life, it's brought me so much perspective and knowledge and opportunities i wouldn't've had otherwise. i wake up every day and go on here and never stop feeling starstruck that people chose to follow me. i know tumblr success means nothing but to me it's the only community i've ever actually belonged to, so thank you all.

ok so like i really just don't have much else to say anymore, so i think i'll end it there! thank you all again, i can't wait for year 4 as it's going to definitely be a crazy one lol. let's hope it's a good one too!

[valfeathers]

OMG YOUR ART IS SO GOOD! Gonna go on a reblog spree tomorrow or something <3<3<3

Anywho, care to share some (more) of your opinions on Wammy's House? Saw a few text posts and they caught my interest 👀

Like, how do you think L feels about his successors or something. Or just rant about why you hate Watari and Roger (omg or more BB talk LOVE that). I dunno I can just ell your opinions/takes are *chef's kiss*

i'm so sorry this took so long but!! i had no idea where to start lmao

i spend so much time just thinking about L in any capacity,, i mean it, he occupies a scary amount of my waking thoughts (blame the autism)

so for starters, as much as i shit on wammy's and its terrible negligence, i find myself putting L & the successors into little found family scenarios & i often draw them all together

(eg. here's some older sketches of L & the kids)

now i know that canonically they probably (definitely) weren't like this but,, i want them all to be loved

i can understand why/how other people would have a different interpretation of their dynamic, but portraying L as a mentor/brother/father figure is very near & dear to my heart :'))

(this is also partly projection as i'm an eldest son who loves their sibling & wants the best for them, who also deeply relates to L so do with that what you will haha)

most of my wammy family art is for comfort! and maybe it can comfort other people too :')))

maybe one day i'll come back & explain the extent of my hcs about this dynamic but i'm not confident in my ability to like. word my thoughts coherently yet so !! for now u get art & some surface level stuff :)

but anyways, sometimes i question what being at the centre of a program like that must feel like. i try not to overanalyse L's backstory and dictate what he must have thought because i know that he's a complicated character and a lot of his morality/actions are up for debate but like,,,

having your guardians look for a replacement for you while you're still alive? that's like saying 'we're just waiting for you to die/mess up/become useless to us and then when that happens, we can instantly replace you with a new & improved version'

even if they were trying to do a classic 'heir' system where a person inherits L's position and this wasn't meant to send that kind of message,, the environment that was produced is still incredibly toxic. that still isn't good. they used children. malleable, vulnerable orphans. that's no coincidence.

and idk that's a little messed up to me.

i don't really know how else to word my thoughts on this situation rn? i just acknowledge that that's no way to treat a person and move on bc,, what else can i say? :'/ it's a terrible situation for everybody involved and watari (& roger) are fucked up for creating a cycle of abuse and putting L right in the centre of it.

and a prime example of how damaging this system was is B. he wasn't born hateful and vindictive and violent, something made him that way. we are all products of our environments, and his was inhumane by definition.

this post is getting long as fuck, jesus,,, okok i'll wrap this up by saying that i'll expand on B at a later date

and reminding u that this is my interpretation and you're free to disagree! we all read into characters & their relationships differently

but yeah a lot of my thoughts about them tend to be really sad so i pad it out with sweeter stuff like above!

[bloodsadx]

every time i go to print a new shirt theres a few feelings. the first feeling is annoyance and lots of fretting over the art part of it. im rly precious abt what a drawing for a shirt should look like most of the time so i will redraw the same idea like 40 times until it feels charming. then i gotta print transparencies which is always a pain in the ass especially since i do big ass shirts thats like such an annoying process gotta do math gotta split the art up into chunks gotta do color separations. then i get excited cause im like yes this is gonna be such a cool shirt. then i get annoyed again bc i have to reset like 4 to 20 screens for my dumb shirt. then i get rly worried im gonna print super badly and waste a bunch of expensive blanks cause like the shirts and hoodies i print on cost like at least 7 or 8 bucks some of the hoodies i have rn are like 30 bucks wholesale. they would cost u like 80 dollars to buy them Not wholesale. so like thats a decent amt of pressure. then i start printing and its like 4 hours of like doing a print then standing there while i wait for ink to cure under the heat. then printing. then waiting. its a lot of waiting. waiting for office stores to open so i can buy ink for my printer then waiting for my time in the studio then waiting for screens to dry then coating them then waiting for them to dry then washing them out then waiting for them to dry then printing then waiting for the ink to dry. but after like a week i have a bunch of shirts, most of which i will never see again after i mail them out. so the final stage is sort of waiting indefinitely for somebody who has one of the shirts i made to @ me on somewhere and be like shirt by bloodsad and then im like Yes. anyway im just sitting in the studio rn bc my legs hurt and ive been here for like 9 hours and i was here like 9 hours 2 days ago and then yesterday i was also here cleaning stuff and 3 days ago i was here for about 9 hours and the day before that too and it all sort of blends together and a lot of it is me sitting in a chair at 3 am when my legs hurt. this is what a job is but i guess because most of it is spent like alone it doesnt feel like real. i often feel like its going to go away soon or like im doing something illegal even though it wont and im not. a lot of last year i kept standing on the street corner at like 4 am by myself smoking looking at the asphalt and thinking “how much of my time in portland will i remember as just times when i was not at the studio, preparing to go to the studio, and then how much of the time will i remember as me being at the studio, thinking about how soon i will no longer be at the studio, i will be somewhere else, somewhere not in portland?” its weird when u think that u will not be in the place youve been in a year repeatedly for a year soon and then that turns into two years and then you realize that probably u will continue to be in that place indefinitely. i see older people who are in portland and i think about how many of them live here intentionally or just forgot they were supposed to move somewhere else. i think about if thats just the state of living for everybody or if its a factor of my age or being a zoomer or whatever. but idk i guess im printing shirts. no joke or point to this post

[puppyyboyy]

huge vent under the thingy

.

im really selfish i think, like i dont really do much for people and i dont like to talk to people anymore as much as i used to but i think im just scared of people now. my parents pulled me out of school so i wouldnt be bullied but i think it just made my social anxiety worse

im also really sensitive and cry easily and i dont like that, yesterday i almost started crying because i couldnt find a room number in school (i was there for exams) that was super embarrassing

today is my brothers birthday and he has special needs and i feel bad because he has no friends to celebrate his birthday and my sister left the house to go hangout with her boyfriend so its only my mom, dad and me there for him on his birthday and i feel so bad and im like miserable right now and i woke up really upset because i was almost late for my exam and i definitely failed it because i guessed on almost question and i talked about college today and my plans with my guidance counselor at school and she talked about what im gonna do after highschool and i dont know what i wanna do because i thought i was gonna kms at 11 years old and not have anything else ahead of me and im so lost now and i dont even know what to do anymore

and im crying because i cant stop thinking about all the stuff thats gone wrong in my life and if i did things differently i couldve been happier and a better person

and i feel bad cuz im ignoring literally everyone rn whos texting me and im just sitting on my bedroom floor crying and writing this lmao im literally venting on tumblr💀 how did i get this bad omg. i could use my notes app to vent but i also want someone to read this, like anyone idc who im not even asking for help i just wanna be seen in a way i think

and my head is always full of ideas and thoughts and its hard to do anything because its always racing and i dont like it at all and i cant ever find the right words to get all these thoughts out or draw them out because i make art but irs not good it sucks and i hate my art style and i hate how i cant draw poses right or render correctly it pisses me off

my sister is really good at art, she goes to college for it and is way better then me and my parents are always praising her about her art and i feel like ill never be as good as her with anything, shes an honors student and graduated almost top of her class and president of the art club at her highschool (currently my highschool) and i got pulled into a bunch of shit when i made friends at highschool and they are all older then me and have so much drama and i feel like no matter who im friends with i cant be friends with the other people i wanna be friends with because they have drama together and if im one persons friend then i cant be the other persons friend because then im a bad person and i just hate it so much i hate beiing around people and i hate having to pick sides and i wish i could kms and i wouldnt have to deal with anything anymore

and then with my sister- anything i do or make art of my parents are like "cool!" and move on with their rlife and when my sister does art they post it on their facebook and show other family members and praise her so fucking much. im not saying i want all that but it feels like they dont even care

and i also noticed i get less things at Christmas and on my birthday now ever since i came out as trans to my extended family like my grandparents and uncle and aunt, my sister and brother get a bunch of shit and ill get some books and some other shit i dont even want or asked for but my sister gets money and a bunch of shit she asked for (expensive things) and my brother gets new electronics every fucking year. he got the newest iphone and a ipad and a fucking 3d printer last christmas???? and i got books and a 20$ Michaels gift card? its so unfair i with i was cis and my family would like me more itd not even about the gifts its just in general they got so distant and weird with me i feel so odd when i go to family events

sexual talk here- and i feel really gross a lot of the time cuz im sexual a lot and i wish i wasnt because i always feel gross and idk it makes me feel weird i guess its just hormones and a trauma response from when i was younger but i just feel weird especially when im alone and im being sexual i feel gross after and i dont know why im like this

theres so much on my mind and im just like AGHHHH!!!!!! i wanna cut myself and bleed out everywhere istg (i wont actually cuz im very afraid of physical pain)

[losthomunculus]

I used to kinda squint at the idea that the reputation of fanfic is all misogyny cause I was like well. I have read some really bad fanfiction. A LOT of really bad fanfiction, actually. So it’s kinda true it’s ass. How much of that can we accurately attribute to misogyny?

I’m taking a remix and fan culture class rn and I think saying misogyny contributes to how fanfiction is viewed is 100% true. But for a more nuanced understanding of fanfics position in arts and culture we need to be using multiple lenses beyond gender and sexuality.

It’s funny cause I’ve pulled away from fandom a lot in the past year, partially because of critiques of it being a culture of somewhat mindless consumption. But now I’m being dragged back in an academic context lmao.

I’ve also been introduced to the terms acafan (someone who is primarily an academic but also a fan) and fan scholar (a fan that uses academic methodology and theories in their fanworks) which I think would be useful to introduce to the tumblr ecosystem and hopefully will give me some new paths to enter fandom in ways that more align with how I enjoy it.

A lot of the stuff I’m reading is a bit older so I’m also curious to see how it will hold up against current fandom trends that seem to have a huge disconnect from the source material and more consumerist attitudes, and if that behavior has actually been around for awhile.

I can’t get very deep into making posts on here atm cause despite the topic I do have like actual studying and work to do. And for as much as I joke about it the class is really rigorous. Also I don’t want to cross post shit I turn in for assignments lest I get accused of plagiarizing myself 💀 I could probably cope with them finding my blog considering our school has a yearly erotica edition of our longest running publication, but I do enjoy avoiding academic probation.

I kinda lost the point I was starting to make at the beginning but um basically I wanted to update people on my interests because fandom studies are interesting :^] and I hope to post more in depth about it in the future.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary30

10/4-5/2023

wow, 30 of these.

i don't know what to put here today, i did work on a song, i got the riff(s) down and the drums so it needs a bassline, there's a part that can use some synth accompaniment, that's cool, i cannibalized some parts/ideas from the synth demo thing i posted the other day, and i also used that guitar sound in an older song cuz it seemed like it'd fit.

now i'm thinking if i ought to go re-record some vox for that old song, who knows, i should decide that tomorrow because it's late now, and i make dumb decisions about stuff when i get in my head and it's late.

i guess now, i'm just thinking about the band the hellp. i quite like them, i think they're super exciting and also maybe one of the more complicated things to hit the scene in a while, not cuz of the sea change people into them/this current thing (which you can call indie sleaze but the band denies it and they're mostly ahead of everyone doing that right now (sidenote, it's very interesting to me how there's people from soundcloud making this jump, in particular 2hollis, this guy i dislike completely musically and i think he might suck socially/politically (miladymaker associations but does that mean anything if you live in nyc really?))). but the aside brings us to one of the complexities w/ the hellp which is their association with that whole new york thing that's basically skewed super reactionary. it's not a complexity because it's like, something you have to weigh in value, but it's complex because of the reasons someone might decide that they're at least doing something right, it's all newyorker selfsuck obv but it seems hugely appealing for artists/anyone who believes that there's a lack of sorting out of noise from signal rn, they're super obsessed with bareness and expressing reality really and so on (thinking back on the thoughts i was having about the obsessions these people have w/ stock images aesthetically). they often have really bizarre misreadings of leftist writers, bataille, byung chul han, even like, marx, baudrillard (noah dillon, singer of the band, is also a photographer, he seems very influenced by baudrillard when he talks about his photography and never names him, but the shadow of poststructuralist theory looms large over his work and how he conceives of himself, it seems). if i could imagine any reason for people to want to tether themselves to that scene, i'd say it's maybe one of the things most able to confer, by association, some kind of meaning, place, and status. coming at a time where everyone feels pretty dislocated and disabled when it comes to making art and it being received at all, really, that seems basically valuable, it's so niche and arcane that if you do blow up, who is going to know or care, or catch the weird things you say in interviews, and if you stay niche and arcane, you've got a base somewhere at least who will rep your merch and buy your music on bandcamp so that way you can feel like you're kind of a success, or something. it's only i guess complex if this stuff catches you in any way, the music, the ugliness of that scene, and two guys who, from what i know, are basically nice and normal if weird, one made a slightly exploitative feeling documentary about native reservations and addiction, it's very short and i feel like its heart is in the right place, maybe, or maybe it's just looking to shock you with poverty porn, i can't tell entirely, it feels like it wants to expose you to truth and how it feels to be there, and not say anything about it, and not say anything about the things that are in any of those people's lives, faith and the army are paid to w/ special attention, and i guess it's evident how destructive they are but in presentation of the band, he talks about how america has no faith anymore, and no patriotism, and it's almost with a kind of apathy he says this, he cares obviously, but there's also a remove. i can only read it as a callout to everyone else who is just like that. it's not like i need people making music to be perfect, so it's not like i'm upset these guys are weird, it's just fascinating to me, i don't think they're fascist, i think they might just be trying to fit in with something and looking for something to jump off of to give the music some kind of cache/meaning so it can work, work meaning, i dunno, lyrical content to use, a place to criticize from, a character and visual history to engage with. they want to be about america, in a super total way i think, they also really want to be about girls or femininity in some way. the video for tu tu neurotic really brings that home i think.

something something, vapidity, sincere embrace of some kind of trashiness (so you can tell why i love them) the lyric "we're addicted to the pain so it just won't leave"

tu tu neurotic also has very strange lyrics in reference to native people too, that feel basically connected to the stereotypes he probed in his short. he also says "faggot hides outside the closet" and i don't mind because it's kind of a genius lyric, i'll bat for that one. their lyrics are kind of a cluster of nothings that run through a head.

i'm gonna see them live here, next week, w/ yves tumor, which is like crazy exciting i guess. i still haven't listened to yves' new record, but i love the last one.

also i bring up nyc a lot here, but the hellp are an la band, which makes their efforts to fit in funnier/sadder, like they're displaced no matter what, no matter where they are.

thinking about them made me write a tiny bit, that's funny, they started the story i've been working on sort of, or they helped locate the sort of place the narrator's stuck in.

now i'm listening to crystal castles. i'm #stupid.

i want glasses that take up half my face. just so i can really achieve the look, and the internet's gone out, that's so annoying, i hope i don't lose any progress on this or anything.

okay it came back, or i dunno, maybe.

cox are so stupid/annoying with it, they throttle stuff for no reason it seems like, inexplicable and stupid.

i wonder if tomorrow i'm gonna get to record vox or anything or not. i'm up until 4 now, so annoying i am so stupid. i also feel ugly suddenly. exciting stuff, i spent maybe 40 minutes plucking hair from my face just now i think i dunno maybe less but it felt like a while. it's important to do that so i don't feel maximum ugly, and instead i just feel regular ugly until i get manic and then i think i'm kind of pretty and the cycle repeats until i have a bad day and feel maximum ugly anyways and think about killing myself 100 times in a row.

anyways i feel like maybe it's good that i put pictures in these because it sort of helps me feel like i'm actually scrapbooking parts of my life for real or something and this is the 30th one and there's a selfie i didn't post from when i went to the movies and whatever. i dunno. it's vain i guess. i'm vain because when i was 9 years old i saw that girl who stood on a table looking crazy/creepy and everyone called her creepychan and i thought i should be just like that. now i'm just oversharing in a really sad way. whateverrrr.

it's so easy for me to get into a mood. i'm not even in a bad mood really. if someone were talking to me i guess i would be but since i'm alone i'm just kind of sad. almost said something insane that doesn't need to be said. i don't feel tired at all though.

today was mostly very normal. not a lot happened, i felt good even at points, i think this sudden bout of whatever is just because i'm crazy and i wish lighting was good all the time, and i don't think it's like, cope, to think maybe lighting is bad and it treats my face bad and that i'm not actually misshapen, but i can't help but think/feel that anyways,

so, byebye!!

[sasukimimochi]

eurghhghgh this gets a little long but i'm not putting a read more line cuz i put TLDR at the bottom and i want that shown.

i'm starting to think uploading weekly is more difficult than i thought now that i'm trying to also work on other things during the week, i haven't had time to work on any of the companion fics for gom or any of my other projects, and i think GOM is suffering a bit for it [last week i did just basic sketches for the chapter bc i was struggling to get everything done in time]

and that means i also don't really have time to stream if i want to draw while you guys watch, since i stream for a few hours at least [the one i did the other day was about six hr, you can see the highlight reel here, since the vod will eventually be deleted as all vods disappear after like 7 days. i just trimmed off the start and end where i'm talking nonsense and saved that as my highlight reel. sorry about the audio being a bit funky for my mic i'll bring my laptop closer to me next time].

But also the biggest thing [on top of wanting to complete more chapters and make a buffer]: i really want to reread the entirety of Ghost of mine so i can check for errors or inconsistencies, all i could do last week was listen to the tts of 12-16 while trying to get a drawing for 17 prepared, and i couldn't fix all the errors i heard since i was just trying to fix the timeline errors as a minimum before posting the chapter. the extra time would give me more time to proofread Ghost of Mine carefully, as well as give the new chapters and art the attention it deserves. [and...actually take care of my irl self better, it's hard to find time for things like cooking and cleaning beyond what i do for the older man i live with].

So what i'm trying to say is although i didn't think i needed it before, i am changing my mind about it now. so i think it's a good idea for me to upload every two weeks instead of one...at least until i (hopefully) am able to catch up to the point of having stuff prepared ahead of schedule.

i swear on my god awful adhd that i will sit down with my sprint bot [a bot that times me and tracks my word count, not an AI], and write with no distractions at least once a day [unless i have things that i am forced to do and can't get to it, but i can get a lot done when i'm using the sprint bot to make myself focus]. So i will hopefully be making the two week change worth it by getting a lot done and being able to return to weekly updates when things are less cramped and there's stuff prepared properly ahead of time.

I hope that's alright with all of you, cuz i love working on gom it's just a lot for me to get done in a week with everything else i want to do!!

just imagine if i had more time i might be able to start posting TWPT along side gom [it's the jiang cheng lan xichen companionfic for GOM that i haven't had time to write as of late, i have it completely outlined but i just don't have time to write it anymore rn. check it out on the masterpost for my MDZS projects]. or the MXY companionfic as well, which i already started but i can't keep working on because of time as well.

basically there's a lot going on for gom besides the main fic that i haven't been able to get to and it just continues to get further behind in those aspects because i can't get the time for it. so really, i need those two weeks and i'm only just now admitting it to myself that i can't push out updates every two days like i used to and especially not now with these other projects and wanting to branch my stuff out more. There's so much i wanna do! lmao

TLDR; i want to change to bi-monthly updates for GOM so that i can increase my quantity and quality of all projects and future updates properly. I appreciate your amazing patience and i hope to make this change worth it!

i will always update you guys if i make changes like this. i can't leave the changes in your hands completely, but i will continue to upload on sunday since that's the day you guys like! expect the next GOM update on the 23rd instead of the 16th, and every two weeks from the 23rd.

[rust2dust]

Hi my 2.5 followers does anyone out there have ideas for how to talk to young kids abt why homophobia is bad / gay and gender variant people aren’t disgusting weirdos :/

The 7-8 year old boys (‘boys’ etc) that I work with on occasion seem to harbor that shit deep already even though it seems like it’s still kinda new for them to give a shit. They reinforce it amongst each other even if they can’t justify it to themselves beyond wordlessly feeling gayness to be gross, weird, embarrassing and completely distancing themselves from / admonishing each other for any perceived femininity.

Rn I’m mostly working with 3 and 4 year olds, and now would be the time to start talking about gender shit but I’m sorta at a loss here too. With this age range it’s mostly just kids thinking there are 2 distinct and opposing categories that can’t be breached or mixed or abandoned or whatever. They’re less prone to ostracize or bully each other for stepping out of bounds than they are to voice confusion at being challenged or a give a simple ‘that’s wrong’ as if you’d started saying the alphabet out of order lol. Idk how long I’ll stay here anyways, the pay’s shit but like no one here or at home is doing anything to push back on this stuff, so thanks if anyone responds to this

Edit: For further context the most I’ve tried w the younger kids is pushing back occasionally on certain gender assumptions - like “mismatching” stereotypical markers during play or art time. With the older kids I’ve done the same, and I’ve gone as far as arguing with them when I’ve heard them say something outright homophobic or sexist but don’t know how to word shit in a way that’s gonna be impactful rather than coming off as a lecture they can sit thru and ignore. It’s knowing what’ll stick or how best to communicate to someone at each age that gets me ig, if I was gonna be more specific.

[rv2xlga]

sigh. another shuake rant that literally makes no sense god be with me pls…

title speaks for itself. not in the best mood rn but i feel like transness was in the air today and even if it gloomy as heck, the air is more pretty.. hmmm sounds like transfeminism to me.

i always and i mean always fall for the transgirl characters even transgirl irl i love transness sm i love femininity, not feminine identifying myself but MY GOD feminine presentation is beautiful, all kinds. and yes, i have to make everything about shuake. i feel like one reason i really like them so much is cuz of my own projections onto them, its uhm.. a lot that goes into all that but in the general, i based akechi on someone i heavily care about and met last year (which when once talking to them told me about how they would think about transitioning like mtf when they grew older) and with that, was born my akechi transfemme headcanon. didnt realize it at the time, didnt realize many things but i also ended up learning apparently i have a thing for transfemme characters and just feminine presenting characters in general! like to list some characters i have hyperfixated on in the past esp in the art category goes from maya fey to saki tenma to akechi in that order and when it comes to some of favorite characters i wasnt able to draw more often due to a bunch of other stuff were characters like phoenix wright and mizuki akiyama and further in both lists is a bunch more. and its true i only listed two characters i really like headcanon as transfemme there but i see phoenix more of a feminine guy, still being cis but liking more pink girly “gay” shit lol and obviously the struggles that come with that. i see saki and maya as more femme girls liking pink and struggling with their femininity in a way that goes with sexuality and what it feels to be the femme one in a relationship or a feminine presenting woman which brings me into my bigger topic.

mi nina bella arquita (arca the singer lol) posted on her story a tumblr post about transfeminity and how difficult the experience is for trans women and mind you im not a trans woman myself but just knowing the experience of being a woman or being born female more like it like i cant imagine what that must be like to somebody who is new to that concept, even if it’s scientifically not very different, i can’t imagine learning that so late in life or whenever u learn it to someone treated as a complete outsider if that makes any sense. and again like i stated early and in no little more to my adhd i always think about akechi, its just a necessity atp. but he was somebody who never got the chance to even think about things like that, like i know what that experience feels like, as a trans person myself and mind you my upbringing was very different than his aside being born female and all, i had the time and the support even if very little and not the best to be honest to think on all those things but he didn’t he had nobody else. that even brings me to akira. i dont headcanon akira as transfemme at all i see him as transmasc very heavily to the point i treat it as canon but anywho, its the same sorta contrast. akechi is so closed off to the idea of his transfeminity, even i feel he would already know he’s gay and interact probably with others online who are, very distantly but yea lol i think he would be a stan twitter reveluv but to the idea of being trans and not just trans but transfemme, is a completely different story for him.

while on the other hand, i feel like akira would be so open to the idea. yea maybe he wouldn’t be outwardly telling everyone “HEY IM TRANS!!” yk lmao but thats not really pride, thats not really what it looks like contray to popular belief and also dont even get me started with the fear of the people around you, the first most prominent point. its a whole other fear a whole other level of boundaries that people cross just to know if you have boobs and a pussy or not, from personal experience its disgusting disturbing and just plain out insane. but i feel like with the right people that he trusts its something its more comfortable to share, even sharing with it sojiro despite his age and the fact that most adults don’t care to respect to understand transness. i feel like akechi would be so terrified to even think about it, the fear of even asking someone he knows is trans (little stalker lmao) because it forces him to think. and it makes others question yk you don’t really ask someone “hey what does it feel like to be trans” for a friend lol.

i also think about shuake as a whole too the fact that i think akechi would grow that level of comfortability to even ask at some point, probably right before he’d die but the effort was put you know? the question was asked, the barriers were broken and i think their love is so beautiful because even with anything and everything, akira would still be there for him. not just because akira loves him which to be honest, probably has a much bigger sentiment but in a way, that just sorta feels like an obligation right? akira wants to be there for akechi because he knows what that feels like even if, no he really doesn’t because being a trans woman and being a trans man are very different experiences it all ties back to the same string. men and women really aren’t that different, we’re all human and the literal same species. we all have brains and can think for ourselves and oh does the list go on. the experience is obviously very different societally, which can not be ignored with our current society but again, he wants to be there for him because hey, you’re a transgender person like me too. the support and comfort i never had. pushing that extra level of questioning and testing and support and validation and whatever it may be because yes being a transwomam not have been the same experience akira went through but he is still trans and in that simple word lies some kind of a connection and the type of support he was never given. he had to learn it himself and he’s just passing it onto akechi. like again again, yes he loves him but he knows what he needs and like ugh. that is just so beautiful i love solidarity

its so many things that make their relationship for me that i feel i will never find again. something so beautiful in the complex, no little thanks to my multiple personality disorders as if one wasn’t enough. something so beautiful in the support and love you can offer somebody and i wish wish wish wishh transphobia wasn’t such a PLAGUE in everything! like ugh naoto, the storyline you deserved… honestly fuck atlus with all my heart tbh♥

[buntsbetterthanyou]

Quick Update for my Page!

First, this is just a quick post about the changes I want to make to this page and generally the future of my art as it may be a while sense I post again!

I wanted to post this as a thanks to everyone who’s been supporting and following me on my page; I’ve reached officially 240+ Likes and 60+ Reblogs!! This is a crazy mark for me so far as I never really expected this much attention with my art, and it makes me happy all of you love my creations.

I’ve went on a long journey as an artist and have been on social media a couple of times (just generally on different platforms, which my art DEFINITELY changed by then.) And now that I’ve got this page, I might as well keep it sense I finally feel I got to the place I’ve wanted to be at as an artist.

As to say, I want to make some changes to my page in regards that I will be staying on more now.

I’m going to be posting more frequently now as I’ve taken posting my art as a more serious thing; generally because I also want to do commissions and such. I’d figure to have a more serious social media presence will help me with my future as well and to show my stuff that I find cool!!

Such as with posting, ironically, it may take longer spans now to post as I want to spend more time on my art and generally put out some of my more interesting ideas. As I have felt before that I have rushed a few pieces just to simply get attention going; when the attention on my page is not my main interest. I would rather make things that make me and everyone else happy then farm simple ideas that don’t make me happy, basically.

Another thing is that I’m thinking of creating AMV’S or PMV’S, as 90% of my ideas are for animatics and such. I want to broaden to new horizons as well within the BBIEAL fandom, mainly by expanding to Twitter and YouTube as I feel more of my ideas can be posted on different sites rather than one. Of course other things will be posted the just BBIEAL stuff as well, but rn I’m fine with mostly doing stuff of the fandom I’m in. I already have a YouTube channel set up to post these things once their created as I have many ideas already on what I want to create and what audience fits for my content (this will be linked in the pinned comment once something is hopefully posted)

Of course this isn’t guaranteed and things might change as I get older and so does this page, but that’s for the future to decide!

And thank you all again for the support so far! This is a lot for me and I hope my art keeps making people happy, and one day that I could even be a successful artist.

Ya’ll are awesome!!

[clambuoyance]

I want to read the dc comics, but I have no idea where to start. Which one do I read first?

I gave recs for what I started over here and they’re mainly what I started with so you can understand what I draw, but here are some more :) when I first started reading comics I went for shorter ones but as you read you get exposed to characters and you’re like “I wanna read more of them” and then it all spirals from there. I think it helped me get used to reading comic bullshit lol. I only started reading this year so there’s a lot I haven’t read out there.

1. Supersons 2016 (very cute and more lighthearted, three series, finished so it’s about 30 ish issues in total i think, Damian Wayne/Robin and Jonathan Kent/Superboy are the sons of Batman and Superman and they get into shenanigans and have a cute friendship. I really like these ones😊)

2. Young Justice 1998 (older so dunno if you wanna start with it, but it’s fun and wacky and I love it, 55 issues plus some crossover/tie in issues so probably like 60 ish issues, features Tim drake/robin, superboy/Conner kent, impulse/Bart Allen, wonder girl/Cassandra sandsmark, greta Hayes/secret, arrowette/cissie king jones, plus more like empress/anita fite, slobo, and red tornado.)

3. Graduation day (mini comic that is 2 or 3 issues about breaking up yj and the titans smh smh) then the core four (Tim, Bart, kon, cassie) join the teen titans

Teen titans 2003 (grittier and edgier than yj but has it’s nice character moments here n there, about 100 issues, but I’m not gonna lie if Conner isn’t in the issue I kinda zoned out or skimmed it ummm >_>)

4. Batman urban legends. ( ongoing, anthology of several stories and characters, good if you wanna meet a lot of Gotham based characters. This was like my first legit exposure to dc comics specifically so I’m putting it here)

5. World’s Finest 2022 (ongoing, Um I think there’s 5 or 6 issues out rn. It’s revisiting Batman, Robin (Dick grayson), and Superman’s first years together and it’s reallyyyyy cooooooool. I love the vibes and art. Feels very authentically comic book-y. Dan mora is my favorite dc artist Honestly . Lots of others show up too like Supergirl and Doom Patrol 😊Actually this is Probably my fave out of the new comics)

6. Batgirls 2022 (ongoing but there’s like 9 issues out I think??, features Stephanie Brown, Cassandra Cain, and Barbara Gordon, who have all held the mantle of batgirl. Also the art slaps.)

7. Batgirl 2000 (70 issues, about Cassandra cain’s run as batgirl, I haven’t finished it but Its like a really lauded run and is well written so go read it)

8. Batgirl 2009 (26 issues I think, this is about Stephanie brown’s run as batgirl, she is my beloved I love her so much and her jokes are so😖💜)

9. Red Robin 2009 (26 issues I think?, runs parallel to Batgirl 2009 and Batman and Robin 2009, I put this one last bc I feel like it needs a Lot of context unlike the others where you can just jump into it but it is short and It was also one of my first comics so 🧍🏻‍♀️. Basically Tim drake had a solo run (Robin 1993) but it’s over 100 issues and I haven’t even read all of em bc there’s. So much. So if u wanna read more tim drake stuff I’d suggest looking up a reading list bc he debuts in the Detective Comics issues and then gets his own solo. Anywaysss so basically a lot of shit happened lots of friends n family died or “died” leaving Tim in a pretty bad place. Bruce is assumed dead, so Dick becomes Batman and makes Damian his Robin, and Tim takes up the Red Robin mantle. okay actually you can easily pick up the context when u read so nvm😗✌️)

I was gonna put more but I’m on mobile and hit the photo limit ☹️ Kon and Bart have their solos, I started reading The New Teen Titans from the 80s, Damian has a recent robin run, and I’m planning on reading more supergirl/superfam comics and green lantern corps comics so yeaaaaah there’s a loooooot. Hopefully something here piqued your interest and I didn’t overwhelm you.