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theworldsoul · 4 years ago

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Uhh warning VENT!!! Talks about self harm and shit... also religious bullshit and gender bullshit??? Like I'm really trans and also Catholicism really fucked me up so if ur uncomfy with that just... skip this post. Also if ur Christian and can't handle seeing ur shit defaced then skip this post. Also if ur gonna clown on this post as "cringe atheism" then fuck you because I'm literally coping with pain lol

:readmore:

Anways now that the disclaimer is over... here comes the real shit.

I... have been going through a LOT lately, jesus christ. I was HAPPY today, yknow? I thought I was gonna be happy the whole day.

I was dancing today. That's how happy I was. For the first time in like... a whole year... I was really so happy. I thought I was gonna cry. But then I got home. And well,,,, I did cry. But not from happiness. I just got my math grade back. A fucking 49 percent. MY AVERAGE RIGHT NOW IS A 57 PERCENT. I MIGHT FAIL MATH 20. I MIGHT HAVE TO RETAKE IT. oh my god I'm such a failure I cant do anything ever i try SO fucking hard but honestly??? I cant fucking do this. I can't, I'm not mentally capable. "Just work harder"... BITCH I AM WORKING AS HARD AS I CAN. I AM SPENDING HOURS AND HOURS OF MY LIFE STUDYING AND PRACTICING. I'm starting to think that how hard i try doesn't even fucking matter because I'm STUPID and all i know how to do is PAINT SHIT!!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT ART!!!! IF I FAIL THIS CLASS I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE A HOUSE IN THE FUTURE!!!! A HOUSE!!!!!

I dont even want to be a fucking orthodontist. Okay??? I wanna do what I love: painting. But NOOOO. I have to get a "respectable" job that will "pay me enough money to live". WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO MAKE MONEY TO LIVE??? WTF??? THATS LITERALLY SO FUCKED UP. everyone deserves to live (unless they like murdered someone? I guess? Idk) BUT LIKE I DIDNT KILL NO ONE SO WHATS ALL THIS BS ABOUT WORKING TO LIVE???? WTF??? I rly gotta do all this shit I hate, all this shit I'm mentally incapable of doing... so i can have a house. Fuck this. Yknow with my average at a 57... I might fail this class even if I get a really good grade on my next quiz. Can you fucking believe it??? I'm literally so fucking stupid I cant even pass a dumb fucking math class god i hate myself. I cant fail this class. I've NEVER failed a class. Almost failed... but never HAD TO RETAKE A CLASS. that's the ultimate failure. I think my parents would hate me if I failed this.

And on top of that... I'm really struggling with uhhh, dysphoria and body image... and it's so fucking horrible man I want to rip all my skin off I want to suffocate god I want to KILL him I want to MAKE HIM SUFFER. I want to gouge his eyes out and force him to eat them. WHY WOULD HE MAKE ME LIKE THIS????? WHY????? WHATS THE POINT IN MAKING A CHILD SUFFER SO MUCH???

What did I ever do that was so wrong I deserved all this punishment???

Well FUCK YOU and fuck your stupid book and FUCK THESE STUPID FUCKING SAINTS. WASNT THERE SUPPOSED TO BE A WHOLEASS ANGEL WATCHING OVER ME?? PROTECTING ME??? WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT BITCH NOW?? WHERE WAS THAT BITCH WHEN... when I was being bullied? When I literally wanted to kill myself?

Where was that guardian angel when I kept making THE SAME MISTAKE over and over again and I KNEW it was wrong but I kept doing it anyways because it was the only way I could feel like soemone cared about me????

I bet that angel motherufcker KNEW they didnt care. DID THE ANGEL EVER ONCE HELP ME??? NOOOO. all those times I was bruised and broken... all those times...

Man, I was just a kid. I was SO fucking young. And I would come like a lamb to the slaughter and kneel. I would pray... ask for guidance. I would pray the rosary too, I would read the bible and try my very best to understand it, I would go to church and volunteer at church and do my best to be a Good Boy and never sin. I did EVERYTHING right. I literally fasted at some point, like a religious fast. I was devoted...

Honestly though? I think it was the same mistake I make over and over again, except not with a real person.

And you have me NOTHING. GO GIRL, GIVE US NOTHING!!!!!!! I literally used to self-punish for the sins I couldnt bring myself to confess. At my communion, there was one sin I didn't tell because I knew it was unforgivable. I still hate myself for that. But man, I used to try and do all sorts of things to somehow cleanse myself of it. I figured THAT whole ordeal was why I was constantly being tortured.

But I was stupid and I am stupid and that makes NO SENSE because if the thing I'm being punished for happened when I was a child, WHY DID THE PUNISHMENT BEGIN AT MY BIRTH????

They used to tell me that god handcrafted every part of me specifically for some sort of grand reason.

Why.

Really? This bitch really "handcrafted" me just so I could cry and cut myself nearly every night??? Fuck that. Like why would you make me this way. It hurts more than you can IMAGINE. The only reason I'm not dead yet is because of ME, MY strength, not any of the bullshit YOU gave me. I hate when people say "oh, god made u so hardworking" or "oh, god made you so passionate/hopeful/full of love/fiery/whatever" LIKE STFU BITCH THAT WAS NOT SKYDADDY THAT WAS ME!!!

you wanna know what he made me?

dysphoric, ugly af, yeah.... but the worst part?

He made me feel.

That doesn't sound bad, right? Well it's the worst thing on the list. It is my downfall, my Achilles heel or whatever. This emotions shit??? It RUINED my life. My whole life I was cursed with a fucking monster inside me. I kept trying to tell everyone that it wasnt me!!! I kept telling them that it felt like I was being possessed. But adults are SHIT. I hate adults. I want to kill them all. They failed me and their god failed me. None of them every listened to me. All they knew how to do was punish, punish, punish.

It's like giving an allergic kid some peanuts and then getting angry at them for going into anaphylactic shock or whatever. Nobody ever thought "hey, why don't we stop giving the kid peanuts?"

ALL THE ADULTS AROUND ME ACT LIKE CHILDREN AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE ACTED LIKE CHILDREN FUCK ADULTS

Anwyays that's how I ended up with all these unresolved issues,.... emotion is a tough one, like I literally dont have the ability to control my emotions at all, I can try and like, repress them but I cant make myself actually feel less.

My emotion hurts more than anyone else's and nobody ever understood that. I would tell them that it hurts, it PHYSICALLY HURTS, and they would say I just wanted attention. I would tell them I literally couldnt control what my body said and did, I would tell them I felt like A PUPPET ON STRINGS and no one believed me. Fuck them.

Healthy coping mechanisms? I literally self ship with Snape to cope. I literally self ship with characters my brain made up and put in my dreams to cope. I used to hurt myself so much trying to feel loved and cared about irl. Fiction is so much better. I sound like a loser but its TRUE. The sort of thing I need, the sort of love I need is like... a parent. You can't go looking for a parent in a romantic partner, it fucks everything up and you end up... well, let's just say it proabbly wasnt the most legal thing, but I wasnt thinking strisght at all I mean dude I was So fucked in my head when I did all that...whatever...anyways so thank u for fiction!!! I love fiction. Want to kill someone? Draw it. Then you'll feel much better!!! And you dont go to jail!!!

Well the pics here... idk, it was really calming to do this. It's new, painting over religious shit. I was gonna do the whole bible but I already burnt that shit so.... and I was going to cut but I'm trying really hard to stay clean... like really hard. It's so weird and like, addicting, once I hit styro I don't want to stop, but also it kinda transfers the emotional pain to physical pain, making it way easier to deal with. I just can't keep doing that because I KNOW it's bad and look I thoguht I was clean for a whole year but then I fucked up and WOW, GUESS WHAT MADE ME RELAPSE??? MATH CLASS!!!!

Whatever anyways here are my wonderful works of art I made while crying and cursing god (like I'm so pissed at all this catholic bs I believed in him again just to swear at him lol)

.... but imagine for a moment, a better world. One in whcih these saints whose images I've defaced are actually good people... a world in which they SEE ME AND THEY HEAR ME... and I go unpunished.... and I am embraced by someone who UNDERSTANDS.

I think I would cry.

Too bad that world doesnt exist and I just made it up to try and feel a bit better. Whatever, whatever. I painted the things, they're gonna dry. I work hard, I'm gonna do good on my quiz, I hope. I just have to be making it through, that's all it is, work work work without a break but I can proabbly do it. I'm really slipping I admit like the mental health is slipping it's getting worse like I havent had a "fuck I am afab" moment in such a long time so yeah...

Anwyays I feel so much better now that I did my little art project yknow???

#ughhh #parent your fucking kids #religious bullshit #adults dont fuck up the children you are in charge of challenge #religion don't fuck up trans kids challenge #good dick really breaks a motherfucker #vent

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eat-worms · 5 years ago

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T.H.O.M.A.S

Technological

Human

Operations

Mimicking

Automated

System

Sanders Sides AU where Thomas is a Robot the sides are building.

🤖=🤖=🤖=🤖=🤖=🤖=🤖

Plot: A bunch of 𝑔𝒶𝓎 scientists have to begrudgingly work together on building their robot son.

Patton- Was originally the bubbly receptionist for the lab, but after a few run ins and or shenanigans Janus realizes that Patton is really good with people and is the perfect test subject and consultant for Thomas's emotion replication abilities. So he officially hires him. (cant do tech stuff at all. cant even "hang out" with Thomas without something breaking)

Logan- The one building the robot parts of Thomas. Gets fed up with the other's antics but couldn't do it without them :)

Roman- Engineering. Designs the stuff on paper and in little prototypes. wants to constantly make Thomas "cooler" and adds in random things in the designs like a soda dispenser and Logan is tired™

Remus- Testing. Makes Thomas do stupid stuff and films it and Logan is like "how did you get a degree of science you buffoon??" and Roman just cackles and it inspires him to add more ridiculous and obscure things to Thomas for Remus to test.

Virgil- Techie that programs Thomas and also helps Logan build but mainly works on the safety aspect and fixing stuff after Remus tests. He also loves the wacky tests but if ANYTHING happens to Thomas u will pay. He adds protections and warnings in his comments/notes like "do not. under ANY circumstances. put Thomas within a 5 foot radius of a spider." just to confuse and annoy Logan (he may also be half serious) and Logan doesn't know what to do with any of it.

Janus- Director of the psychological studies for Thomas. He is very well versed in the ethics of the field they are working in and wont hesitate to debate you. He mainly focuses on trying to make Thomas act like a person even though hes a Robot and alongside Roman helps translate that into something that can be built. Hes also kind of the leader, along with Logan.

Moments:

Logan: This is test number three-five-o-two at 3:25 PM EST on July 3rd 2020 to evaluate-

Virgil: Logan, why is Thomas talking to the stove?

Logan: Wh-

Roman: Aw come on! Look at how stupid he looks talking to the kitchen appliances Logan, you made him stupid.

Logan: I dID NOT make him STUPID YOU-

*Janus later has to end the kerfuffle after he walks in on Logan, on top of Roman, holding a soldering iron to Roman's throat*

~~~

*Thomas is booting up but it's taking a while*

Roman: Tom

Patton: Tomathy

Roman: Tommy Salami

Patton: Tomalama ding-dong

Roman: Thomas the DANK engine

Logan: ...

~~~

Logan: I know him better than anyone because I know how he works so-

~~~

🤖💖More Lore💖🤖

Logan does the know exact time thing but says it at the same time as Thomas when someone asks what the time is.

🤖

Virgil will talk to Thomas like hes a person and Logan is confused by this but Virgil uses the excuse that hes supposed to seem like a human so why not talk to him ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Virgil also kinda vents to him but uh big ouch a lot of it gets recorded onto Thomas and that gets turned into either hyjinx and or angst later.

🤖

Patton also talks to Thomas like a person but more like "Yes look and my robot son he is so smart I love him" and he also teaches him puns. The puns get out of hand at some point and Thomas has got it in his neural network that puns are The Exact Right Thing To Say in Any social interaction but they start becoming really obscure because Thomas has access to a lot of information, and he hasn't quite nailed getting puns in context, so one time he makes a pun that is really sciencey and vaguely connected to the conversation so only Logan gets it,,,,, but he finds it hilarious and it's the only pun Logan will admit to laughing at.

🤖

Virgil has that programmer relationship with Thomas. So smthn just wont run correctly and Virgil is like "YOU IDIOT! I'm going to prohibit your mimicking human breathing function if you keep this up!!!" "A SINGLE SEMI COLON ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! Why is it ALWAYS dumb s̶h̶i̶t̶ like that with you Thomas?!" "I have a million copies saved of his program because if anything happens to him I will actually combust." He also has incomprehensible names for variables and functions and stuff and some of them are memes and vine references. Logan has had to learn a bunch of modern slang just vaguely understand what's happening in the code.

🤖

Jan is always recommending certain things to Roman to make Thomas more realistic but sometimes they are obscure because "people and psychology are just weird" so Roman adds them in (or tries) but sometimes Janus just makes it up and watches everyone struggle meeting his request for entertainment. like, "Mhm, ok, fantastic work this week, truly, just show-stopping. However, comma, He just... doesn’t fix his hair enough... You'd be surprised the amount of times the average Male adult fixes his hair in a single social interaction. So....make him do it more." (That request never ended up getting changed back after it got implemented...)

🤖

Remus is always adding things to the list of "things he needs to test with" and Pat at reception starts to get concerned with the 3rd bulk shipment of deodorant that came through. Remus actually uses funds to restock the fridge and snack cabinet a lot along with Roman occasionally.

🤖

Pat is always scolding the others (mainly Remus and Virgil) for swearing or saying mean things too or around Thomas because he "wants to raise him right" and doesn't want him to "learn bad manners". He also may or may not be low-key emotionally attached to Thomas and wants to believe he actually feels things. Janus is simultaneously amused and frustrated with this but he let's it slide because "I guess that means that Thomas is effective...despite the fact that Patton is naive, it's still promising."

(Patton isn't actually naive, just because he wants to treat Thomas like a human doesn't mean he thinks he is. Patton really does it because then the others can be proud of their hard work and can actually see Thomas functioning with a person outside of a controlled environment.)

Yeah so that's what I got so far! I kinda wanna add more to this so if ya like the idea interact with this post n I'll maybe make an update. I don’t have a plot in mind for this other than like, Patton being added to the group. I just think the idea is cute and works well with the dynamics already set up in Sanders Sides.

Also, Disclaimer, I haven't had any experience in Robotics LOL so this could all be actual gibberish. I have done Computer Science and programming tho so I vaguely understand that side of it. But the engineering and actual possibility of making a human-like Robot I have no clue about.

Oh! If you know anything about these topics or maybe just like this au idea and want to add on FEEL FREE TO SHARE! :D I would LOVE to see what people have to add!

See yah~💖🤖💖~

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didsomeonesayventus · 5 years ago

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ESSAY TIME I love a ship please come hang out w/ me on this dinghy or like. dont because fates is awful and I can’t blame u for dodging that bullet but i just wanna scream because i love them and they’re the fixation rn so 321 GO

i cant blame anyone for not really seeing this because their support is. Ok. Its alright. Not amazing, it’s serviceable, better options are out there in fates I'll concede. Corrin has like. At least 3 other love interests who feel more canon LMAO but this isn’t about them

It's more from elsewhere in their characterization that really made me adore them and, as I mentioned in tags, a lot of this comes from how I write them which. Is largely filed under rp stuff right now but more ramble time on how i write them i guess dont forget to mark your free bingo space for throwing out large swaths of fates canon and writing. Also we're scooting their canon support gently to the side because it’s ok it’s not the most offensive writing this nightmare scrap heap of canon has to offer but a massive missed opportunity.

PART 1- One (1) Corn, With a Side of Emotional Neglect

*makes vague gesture at Disney's Rapunzel* Corrin would have been so much better recieved if the devs just took some notes from you instead of writing such a flat character i swear.

Corrin in particular with how I write her is getting a pretty massive rework in the emotionally stable department because honestly I don’t believe she would be. like. She's not dumb, but she is naive, important distinction, and it ends up coloring her views a lot and I have a ramble on that over here on the inverse graph that is Corrin’s confidence but to dissect where her attitudes came from:

Her family was limited to visits, and she has been directly/implicitly blamed for this for roughly a decade and a half, at least a decade, by not being an insane king's definition of strong enough to be with them. Bad memory makes her frail, swordsmanship isn’t up to par, doesn’t seem to offer much else in terms of skills unlike Xander, a Certified Badass(tm), Magic-oriented Leo and Elise, and Magically gifted but just plain ruthless Camilla. She’s held at arm’s length from her family, and while her siblings may have always loved her and expressed that love as often as they could, they’re not always there or a good yardstick to measure her progress with, and she had to always watch them go and likely wonder when they would come back, or if they even would.

As for our beloved butler and maids, being surrounded by servants was probably her most constant and consistent source of contact, and she does love them, but it can be very easy to wonder if they love her because they do or because it's their job to.

Corrin's faith in everyone around her and unwavering trust is there because any sort of doubt is basically redirected to. her. Because she is the dumbass who's still figuring the world out. She's hyper aware she's still learning and making naive decisions and she overcompensates that with "well what do I know" and not feeling really all that worthy to be Special Protagonist. She doubts herself before almost everything else.

Brief mention of Dragon arc because fates was dumb and neglected an entire arc for dragon feelings beyond chapter 5 and foreshadowing for Dad(tm) but I also write in an arc of the Dragon Is A Metaphor For Loving Yourself Faults And Trauma And All Love Yourself And You Can Control Yourself Dammit.

*Corrin hurt herself in her confusion!*

The way I write Corrin is not nearly as put together and confident as Canon™️ Corrin is, at least for a good chunk of the plot. She fakes it till she makes it because she is a leader and being mopey will not get things done but she’s also very self critical and mopey on the inside and quite paranoid that people don’t actually like being around her and just. ball of stress and anxious hidden under Many a uwu that she doesn’t want to talk about because why should she complain her childhood wasn’t That Bad and if she’s mopey how can she set a good example and people don’t like debbie downers and look its fine its fine lmao

PART 2- Mr. Perfect

As for Mr. Subaki he puts a lot of time and effort into looking perfect. I emphasize that because he may very well have natural talent, but honestly it feels like a large amount of his perfection is just. Stressing himself out by planning for and rehearsing everything possible! God this anxious idiot I love him!!! He's sociable and agreeable, but I think with basically everyone it’s. Skin deep. He’s charismatic Enough, and he digs a bit into the other’s history and personality if he’s interested, but he never really lets the other reciprocate like a magician never revealing his fraudulent secrets.

Biggest problem with that is he can't open up and vent because that is to admit a flaw and no no cant have that we cannot have that so he's just. Not sure who to turn to and has trouble being emotionally honest- even to himself. He just! Doesnt let himself have fun or relax; all perfect all the time baby. There’s basically no one who he could consider a close and trusted friend who can love him flaws and all. The closest would be Sakura and Hana and welp. gotta keep things professional and it’s not like Hana really expresses a sense of understanding and patience when they’re fiercely competitive with each other.

There’s probably a lot of muttering to his pegasus while he’s cleaning her hooves or braiding her mane, or staying up late thinking about how narrowly disaster was and wasn’t avoided that day but he. Also doesn’t really vent and also feels that imposter syndrome of “I’m honestly awful how did I even make it here.”

and it stinks because I think at his core he is a very sweet and caring guy and a massive dork, but he just plops himself on the edge of a pedestal and gives himself no room to be himself or anything less than perfect and is likely on the cusp of impending burnout.

you dumb anxious idiot i have S-Ranked you every fucking time I open this godforsaken game I didn’t even fucking plan for this

PART 3- (Patrick Warburton impression) “Oh yeah, it’s all coming together.”

So our characters and stage are set. We got FE Fates (I’ll default to Rev), we got my views when writing these two, so what next? What is the general plot I imagine since we’ve gently scooted aside the canon support chain?

The dumbasses-to-be think they’re out of each other’s league.

For Subaki, it is plot-irrelevant background character falling in love with the protagonist, which yields the exact sort of pining you’d imagine: man you are super cool and hit all my standards but I’d be dreaming if you felt the same about me. She’s sweet, she takes charge, she can fight for herself well enough, has he mentioned she’s sweet? He can actually relax a bit around her which is really odd but I guess that’s what happens when your personal skill is literally called “Supportive”. Oh yeah and also his Lady’s older sister which oof. Sakura? In law???? Hinoka in law???? Takumi in law?????????? ryoma in law oh gods.

For Corrin, it’s Mr. Prince Charming right there and he’s very nice and Sakura is saying so many nice things about him but wow she’s. a princess from a country that has consistently terrorized his and on top of that might a well have been raised under a rock!!! And she picks up details and nuances in people remarkably well, but she overthinks them. She can pick up that Subaki- while very polite and friendly -isn’t being entirely forthcoming about what he’s thinking or feeling, but she can’t pin down exactly what it is, and makes the educated guess that he's just being nice because she’s Sakura’s sister or something.

And they’re friendly. They help each other out a bit. There’s tension, sure, but no one really comments on it (except for everyone making bets in the bg). They don’t really yield on their internal messes because Corrin knows she’s a leader and can’t really do that and distracts herself with believing in everyone around her, Subaki just flat out would rather do literally anything besides admit he’s messed up anywhere or open up. So feeling are put on a low simmer for awhile.

Of course they fall in love, and it almost gets messed up because when Subaki requests to talk with her in private to confess, she immediately assumes he’s going to tell her that he’s not interested. Her simmer roars into a boil because she’s been under Protagonist Stress ON TOP OF having a crush she’s confident won’t be reciprocated, so she snaps quite a bit because that has all been shoved in a bottle and she just wants to get the mess over with if he’s just going to tell her very nicely that her company is lovely but hes not interested it hurts a lot to think that but its fine you don’t have to settle.

But the thing is being emotionally vulnerable like that, pointing out she’s scared too of always not being enough and living up to expectations, to finally get that off her chest, spurs him into it, too. Because she gets it. She honest to god gets it even if she bought into the lie he’s perfect she understands. Oh, yeah, she also reciprocates feelings that’s really excellent too. Like Subaki probably makes a lot of fuss about a bunch of ultimately meaningless details and having “standards” and yadda yadda gods help whatever poor soul asks him to pull out the list of traits of his ideal partner, but I think at the end of the day if he’s looking for love most of all, like a lot of people he just wants someone who he can just. be himself around. Who likes it when he’s being himself!

And they both learn that yeah maybe they’re more flawed than they’ve been lead to believe, but it starts to not matter at all because they still try really hard and everyone makes mistakes. They’re both here to say it’s ok your best is enough, YOU are enough. They both think they’re amazing regardless of their mistakes and love to see each other smiling and succeeding and just make. a nice little bubble of comfort. They’re stubborn and supportive, they learn how to poke and prod the bad moods away be it making a nice cup of matcha and talking it out or laughing at a tiny, meaningless mistake and repeating it to keep that feeling of dread away. Also they both spoil their partners regardless of who they end up with you can’t @ me on that they both do it which means guess what mega spoil time. And long hair on both just means they can braid each other’s hair no problem... waaaaaa.... Also early rise Subaki and late rise Corrin so there’s always a sleepy fight in the morning because UGH this is early you keep saying i’ll get used to it but im not i need a kiss first if you want me to be up this early. Subaki is better at logic and planning than Corrin, and Corrin keeps things optimistic and has a good gut for when to take an improvised risk. They’re always swapping places on who’s holding the other back from a fight that isn’t worth it because some asshole insulted the other, they mediate each other and will fight anyone who even harms a hair on the other’s head. They give and they give back and they work together perfectly.

And when it comes to the kids that bubble expands and they make sure they all have the tools to just take a deep breath and remember it’s okay Mama and Papa love you so much and you’re going to be amazing no matter what you do. Corrin’s got the best stories to tell and Subaki tucks the blankets in just right. They’re good parents with a lot of patience and plenty of mental health wisdom which is good because, as my mom would say, “bad brain chemistry is my bad”.

Like UGH I love them. I love them a lot. A good chunk of this is me making canon better thank me fates devs

Part 4- Katie All of This is Out of Your Noggin What About Canon

(DBZ abridged vc) WHAT ABOUT CANON but ok here have some canon quotes

“The two spent the rest of their lives together. Corrin ruling as the wise Queen of Valla. Subaki adapted quickly to royal leadership and became a great source of support for his wife. “ - Revelation route ending

“I feel like the pressure's off when I'm with you. I don't have to be perfect.” “You'll never be lonely as long as I'm around. Just call me and I'll come running.” - Friendship bonding quotes but also consider waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

“This might sound corny, but I think you're my soulmate.” - What he says when he is married to you and yes that is corny and its perfect

hot spring is dumb fanservice BUT if you can get the good RNG to get them both in there “A shared bath warms not just my bones, but my heart as well.” “I-I suppose so...I just wonder if it's right to be so happy...” (emphasis mine) IT ABSOLUTELY IS BE HAPPY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

also one of his quotes when u stop by your quarters is "Ah, welcome home, dear. Kick off those shoes and relax. You're with me now!" and you absolute himbo your wife doesn’t fucking wear shoes!!!!!!!!!

Part 5- I’m done I’ve yelled into the void good night enjoy a ship please be excited for the fic I have on the backburner that I will get out there one of these days but I want it to be perfect so RIP me I guess

#katie rambles #long post #in case read more fucks up on mobile

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supersoldierslover · 7 years ago

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A Messed up Situation Part 12

Summary: You have the perfect life in LA, there is nothing that you would change. However when your mom calls you telling you to drop everything because your father is sick. You see yourself going back home where you have to deal with your family and your first love Bucky Barnes.

Words: 1.555

Paring: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: Now im’ really sorry

I can thank you enough @unbetaedimagines you betaed this form and gave amazing in feedback

Catch up here

After someone you love passes away, you have the need to feel alive.

A couple of years ago, you read an article by your dear friend Wanda where she was talking about her brother’s death. You don’t know why, but that article in specific got stuck with you.

There she tells you all she did when her brother died, all the nights that she cried, all the junk food that she eat and all the man she slept with because of the need of feel something. You never understood why she lost control of things but now you do.

You feel empty.

It’s been two days since your father died and today is his funeral. Because he died at home, there were a few complications so the funeral could only be today. You hate that, you are extending your grief.

You look at yourself in the mirror; you just wish all this would be over and you would be back home.

Being here in at your childhood home it’s weird for you. Your mom is trying to be strong for all her children but every time she sees something from your dad she starts to cry, you siblings come and go but they stay long enough to comfort your mom.

There are only two people that you like to talk are Bucky and Wanda. Bucky doesn’t push you to talk about things, he is happy just staying with you. Yesterday he even brought Lydia to cheer you up. Play with the little girl helped you a little, you can’t deny that.

Wanda, she just lets you vent. She doesn’t judge you when you are being selfish, or when you a drinking a whole bottle of wine before bed. The only thing she asks for you is for you to be careful and you swear that you are trying to make good decisions.

“Sweetie, are you ready?” You mom asking knocking on the door, you nod going downstairs. There you see, Bucky sitting on the couch with Lydia on his lap that is almost falling sleep “What you are guys doing here?” You ask you imagined that you would meet them at the graveyard.

“We are here for emotional support and Lydia wanted to see you.” He says when Lydia sees you she lunch herself in your arms and you can’t help but smile “Well it’s nice to see you too, Lydia.”

“Daddy said that you were sad, so I bought you my favorite teddy bear.” She says pointing at the bear on the couch. You wonder how she understands the situation that is happening. Lydia is only 3 but she is so smart.

“Thank you, Lydia. I do need something to cuddle at night.” You say kissing her cheek and giving her back to Bucky “You can always cuddle with daddy, he always cheers me up when I’m sad.”

She says sweetly and you nod. You wish you had spent more time with the Barnes family but your mom needs you “When all this over, I will give her all the cuddles sweet.” Bucky says kissing your cheek.

When you arrive at the funeral, your mood changes drastically and it was for the worst. You feel like you could puke, everything sounds so fake and annoying. You never saw so many tears in your life.

There are so many people that you never saw I, a few you imagined that were friends of your dad from work, other neighbors but most of them? You are sure that this was just a social event in this small town.

You feel Bucky’s hand on your shoulder, giving you some comfort. The whole funeral feels like a nightmare, radon people came talk to you wish their condolences and giving you hugs.

But for you the worst part was when people started to talk, first was a friend of your dad from work. He was very sweet, in the way that usually middle age man are. He said how much your father would be missed, how good he was at drinking beer and how good he was at his job.

A lot of people talked, some of them were friends of the family, others distant relatives. Whoever what made you lose at all, was not your mom saying that she lost her soulmate or your grandmother saying that no mom should bury their children.

But was when your sister started to sing the song that your father used to sing when you were little. There was something inside you saying that you should get out of there.

“Where are going?” Bucky asks when you start moving “Home.” You say, without giving too much explanation. He is not going to understand, this is not just about grief it’s about not belonging anywhere.

“Let me give you a ride, to your parents’ house.” He says and you take a deep breath, this is not the home that you were talking about. You look around seeing, Lydia with your nephews and your brother, they look so oblivious to everything that is happening.

“Bucky, I’m not your daughter and I’m not your responsibility… so I suggest that you take care of her not me.” You say walking away, you knew that you were being cruel but would be a lot easier this way.

He holds your arm, not strong enough to hurt you but strong enough to stop you “Sweetheart what is happening?” He asks with a soft voice, you clean a few tears out of your face “I don’t want to be here, Bucky… I feel like I’m getting insane.”

He sighs, looking at Lydia, then you and then your brother “Come on, your brother is going to take Lydia home for me… Let’s talk.” You feel his hand on your back leading you to his car “What is wrong.. Besides the obvious?” He asks, he sounds so worried about you.

All you know is that you want to scream.

“I don’t belong here, I hate this place… I need to be back to LA, where I actually have something to do besides… this.” You say running your hands on your hair, you need to come back to work where you are going to be useful.

“What changed? You were fine yesterday….” He says confused and you sigh “I wasn’t fine, maybe I was grieving in a different way.” He nods, stopping at a red light “You looked happy with me and Lydia, yesterday… I thought that we were helping you and you us.”

He says sadly, he is heartbroken right now and that is why you have to go. You can’t cause him any more pain.

“And you were, but you knew that I wouldn’t be here forever, we both knew that this cannot last forever. We were foolish to let this happen.” You say holding a few tears, besides being with your father in this final days, Bucky was the highlight of your trip.

“How can you say that? I love you, I being in love with you for so long and I don’t regret being with you again.” You rest your hand on his thigh, and he rests your hand on yours “I hate to break your heart, Bucky.”

He parks in front of his house, but before you can be angry that he didn’t take you to pack your bags, he says “I’m used to…” You move on your sit, pulling him for a kiss. Why do you feel so confused?

You don’t want to hurt Bucky, but here you are doing exactly the same. Kiss him is wrong and the logical part of you knows that but the emotional part of you just want to give him some comfort.

“Oh, Bucky…” You say breaking the kiss, you have to be the mature right now. You have to think about him and Lydia. The little girl got so attached to you in these last few days that you don’t want to hurt her.

Would kill if you hurt that little girl.

Bucky doesn’t answer you; instead, he kisses you again and again until you are breathless and your lips are swollen. You allow yourself to give in, to him and the bliss that he is providing you.

You don’t know how but between kisses, you manage to leave his and car. You feel a synchrony that you never felt before, with any other man that you ever been with. Even with Bucky himself.

He seems to know every trick to your body, he knows how to make you moan and keep you pleading for him. One moment you were against the walls with your legs around his waist and the next you were grabbing the bed sheets underneath you.

You don’t how much time has passed, all you know that you were bring to the edge again and again. In the end, you are so exhausted that you don’t even feel yourself falling asleep.

When you wake up, you are washed with guilty. You should have been more responsible, you sigh doing the only thing you can. You pick a piece of pepper that is one his nightstand leaving him a note.

You get dressed silent, before kissing his forehead and saying “Goodbye Bucky, I love you in a way that you never going to know….”

PART 13

Now I’m really sorry about that but trust me it was the only way...

PLEASE LEAVE FEEDBACK, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE ON THE TAG LIST, I’M REALLY EXCITED FOR THIS SERIES.

#bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #marvel imagine #marvel x reader

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blackmagicbananas · 7 years ago

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How I’ve been doing

Hiya! I’ve been getting some new followers and I feel kinda bad since I haven’t updated my progress here in a while. The truth is, there’s not much progress to be shared unfortunately :(

I’ve kept myself on track with my exercise fairly good. I have visited the gym once a week at WORST, and 5 times at best. It has become much easier to get up and go, even if the exercising itself still feels like a chore. I haven’t really been sticking with my exercise plan of 2 days cardio / 3 days strength tho, I just do whatever feels like the least boring option at each time. Still, I’m going at least and doing my thang in that field pretty well.

However, my diet is a different deal. I just cant seem to get a grip on proper nutrition anymore. I do eat a healthy breakfast and lunch, but after that is when things start to go wrong. My night almost always ends up on an eating spree, or a binge if you will. I don’t know weather to call it a binge or no, since it’s not a specific moment of eating a huge load of food exactly.

More or less it goes something like this: when I come home and start to prepare dinner, I get the urge to eat something simultaneously. No matter if I had a snack or two snacks after lunch, no matter how not hungry I am, I always want to eat straight away when I get home from school, and cannot wait 20 minutes for my dinner to cook. So I get a snack WHILE COOKING DINNER. Possibly two. Or three. This is usually something easy like bread or whatever random stuff I have in my fridge. Then I have my huge-ass dinner which should definitely keep me full for at least 4 hours, right? Wrong. Immediately when I’m finished with dinner, I get a massive craving for more. Even if I’m absolutely stuffed, I still want to have something else. And again, I just will demolish absolutely anything I can find in my kitchen.

After that, I might be satisfied for half an hour to 2 hours, and then I crave more. I always come up with a stupid excuse like the good ol’ ”tomorrow is a new day, I’m hungry now” or will just completely dismiss any thought process and just go ”I haven’t eaten that much today, it’s okay to have this”, even though I KNOW I’ve had enough food for one day already. And after that snack the same thing happens again every hour or so.

Long story short: After I come home, my whole night consists of eating, pretty much non-stop and I can’t seem to stop myself.

At first I thought I was addicted to sugar, since that’s what I usually went for when I wanted a snack. If I didn’t have anything good ready-made, I’d literally make a dough out of sugar, margarine and flour and eat that raw. But then I figured that sugar wasn’t actually my go-to if there was something else available: leftovers, 2min noodles, protein bars.... any easily-prepared food. So very often my ”bingeing” is actually on healthy food, like today after dinner I first went to rye bread, then dates, then leftover pasta, then more rye bread, more dates, wholegrain sugarfree cereal with smoothie, more leftover pasta. And I had chocolate in my kitchen the whole time and didn’t go for that.

So I guess it’s good that I’m not eating copious amounts of all-unhealthy food, but still it doesn’t help me to figure out what’s causing this. I feel like I’m literally addicted to eating and that is a very depressing thought since I have no idea how one would cope with that. I obviously don’t have certain trigger foods to avoid, and I can’t exactly avoid eating altogether either.

This nightly eating marathon is something I’ve been struggling pretty much always. I remember coming home from elementary school and just spending my whole night at the kitchen, getting something to eat every 30 minutes. I don’t know why and how to stop for good! I’ve had good runs of not doing this for months, and at those times it was probably because of calorie-counting and keeping a strict food diary which I hope to avoid doing now.

So yeah, that’s why my weight-loss is stuck again. I’ve gained 1,3kg since 22.12.2017, and actually only 0,3kg of that is actual ”christmas weight” that I put on over the holidays. That’s weird and annoying as well, how did I put on only 0,3kg when I LITERALLY ate 8000 calories everyday for like three weeks but when I’m trying to be healthy and I’m at least exercising, I put on 1kg in a month??

I feel annoyed, sad, frustrated and disappointed in myself. I’m just so lost and don’t know how to approach this situation. I feel like the only way I can lose weight is to count calories, track everything in myfitnesspal, plan every meal, control everything. I hate that. I hate to be so dependant on a tool. I can’t track everything I eat for the rest of my life, so I want to learn to stop doing it now. But I have no idea how.

For right now I think I will start a super simple and allowing food diary: just putting on the names of the foods and times when I ate it. No calories, no macros, no nutrients, no every-ingredient-listings. If that does help, maybe I will do it for a while and hopefully learn to be mindful about my food so I can eventually stop that as well. Best idea I can come up with anyways.

If you made it this far, I must congratulate you, this is so long and rambly I think even I will never read this again :D Just needed to vent and think out loud. If you hate this type of posts, well, I think this is not going to be the last one so... Sorry. You can always skip if these bore you. I will still be posting food diarys (once a week is my goal), recipes and progress pictures (if I ever get any progress..), so stay tuned for that~

#blackmagic mood diary

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fixingforeverandalways · 6 years ago

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I know you need time...

And im listening, and im hearing you. I now understand, and this was my doing and honestly it’s the least I deserve. But I miss you, and I love you on such a level it’s hard to be without you - I know the past near 11 months since we got in contact again have not all been smooth sailing, but we have had some more than good times, you’ve become my safety in a world full of so much bad stuff.

You are my soul mate, and I will forever stand by that, it destroys me knowing that I’ve put us through this and all that echos in my head is you apologising for breaking my heart, well what about yours? I seen the look in your eyes today and I know you’re hurting just as bad as I am for being away from me, it feels so so wrong to be apart but I know that you deserve the time and space to establish your own life - so do I - so we can find the perfect way to fuse our lives together and settle down properly. by choice. without any rush or stress. Honestly we both deserve that - i so desperately need the stability of my own strength and i so desperately need a support system in place to turn to when things feel low - and despite getting there without having you 24/7, you will always be and are the centre of that support system, you’re my safe haven and the person I trust the most. In your arms with your voice soothing me, feeling your toastie tootsies at the bottom of the bed - that is the core of my support system and nothing will ever change or replace the feeling i get with you.

ive just taken that for granted too much. I like to think that in time, as I prove to you just how serious i am, and just how capable I am, that you will let me be yours too - i dont want to be the cause of your pain and suffering and i simply wont be any longer. i refuse. if it were down to me we’d be in a home together, taking a few days to ourselves but knowing we have the security of eachother at the end of it. because that’s something we both need, security - knowing that the other person has us 100%, and you’ve proven yourself to me time and time again and even more so in the last two days with your honesty and openness and willingness. and now it’s my turn.

honestly i know me and I know my personality and I know my ability to overcome in situations where i risk losing something i hold close to me. Ahead of me I’ve got 7 weeks of CBT over that period will cover a range of talking therapies based on the idea that thoughts, feelings, what we do and how our body feels are all connected. If we change one of these we can alter the others. so in turn, improving the way I view situations, and improving the way i treat my body will impact how i feel and how i act massively - especially in a situation where i can often feel way too strongly about stuff.

with the idea of CBT, it works based on the idea that ‘When people feel worried or distressed we often fall into patterns of thinking and responding which can worsen how we feel. CBT works to help us notice and change problematic thinking styles or behaviour patterns so we can feel better.’ and i’m already at the point I can physically list the toxic reactions i have when i feel overwhelmed and I know some ways in which personally ive learn to avoid that happening, for example:

Explosive anger / breaking things/ slamming things - walking away to my own space, to play games or blast music or just cry. I would like to have my own little space to do this in, be that just my princess tent. It is not ok for me to react so strongly to being angry, but i do need a healthy way to vent anger as this is very much a normal emotion.

Emotional outbursts/ crying - this is ok to do, but what’s not ok is to drag others into it. it’s ok to break down and be sad, but at this point i need to ask for comfort, a cuddle, a phone call, reassurance, i need to ASK for these things and not assume people instantly know what i need, especially as anger when crying can look a lot like sadness. and in that situation i have very different needs.

Jealousy/ insecurity/ paranoia - TALK. COMMUNICATE. TRUST. Inevitably, I can be paranoid, its arguably the most annoying symptom of them all. once someone gets a doubt in my mind i worry endlessly. by talking, communicating i can get the reassurance I need and drop it - by being open and honest and ASKING before I assume it can avoid any emotional overwhelming. as stupid and unrealistic as some things may sound, my brain will often find a way to find some logic too it no matter how far fetched, so please be patient with this as i’d rather sit down and be able to talk to you no matter how silly you might think it sounds, i dont mean to sound accusing at times i know i have done - but i need to insure i question rather than accuse in a way that isnt attacking, as to not stress or panic you. I know its inconvenient and a pain but i want to be able for us to both communicate and whilst i dont worry or get paranoid all the time, it does happen and the best course of action is just reassurance and patience, being calm with me and listening.

snapping and raising voice - this is usually the tell for any incoming outburst of explosive emotion. the typical result of so much from being tired, stressed, hormonal or simply just born from frustration. This will happen from time to time as with any couple, however its how its handled that matters, we’re both guilty of raising our voices or snapping or coming across blunt and more often than not without really realising. It can be all to easy to get triggered by this and respond in a bad way, but this can be shut down and resolved by a simple ‘there’s no need to snap, or raise your voice’ and i know in the past that has then led to more issues, this is from me taking offence because it sometimes feels like you’re trying to invalidate my feelings and thoughts. this is my issue to work through, and learn to stay calm in situations. which this is all stuff i’ve done before, and let slip when i let my whole life kinda spiral. so its an uphill battle for sure, but its also a very winnable one.

Lack of appreciation - I’m very guilty of this, i’ve been trying more recently to show you that i appreciate the things you do but on reflection actually, it’s all the small things which actually are second nature to you that i feel i dont show enough appreciation for, making juice, making the effort to talk to me and tell me about your day after you’re clearly exhausted. there’s so many things that in just two days of not being close to you that im realising need and deserve that level of appreciation. and this comes with time, it’s so easy to forget as time passes and things become the norm that actually - it’s not the norm and it deserves thanks. This is a two way street and sometimes i feel the same, but at the same time you go more than out of your way to thank me for basic tasks like washing up, changing the bed etc.... and when i feel so low in myself that makes a huge huge difference to my day. so i recognise the importance to express thanks, but i also know sometimes its not always possible or simply gets forgotten.

self care - This is without a doubt something which has a huge impact, I’ve been desperately clawing at life and the things i love trying to drag myself along with my hair and nails and dye and clothes, but honestly? its hard. i hate myself. i disgust myself. and you make me feel so wanted and loved, it changes everything when we’re going so well. but i know that it’s not healthy to be dependent on you like that, there’s no harm in boosting each-others confidence or making each-other feel good but the reality is for me that self care is the thing that will always give me a fighting chance at a good day. be it regular shaving/ bathing/ hair washing/ skin care/ nails it just makes me feel good. i like to get dressed up and look fiiine, but putting the weight back on has made it so much worse. I do want your help and advice about food, eating and working out and I know i often seem to turn my nose up but honestly i worry about being condescended to, its one of my triggers because no one likes to be made to feel stupid. and that’s also something i need to remember. i’ve under estimated you so much. that’s not ok though. but yes, the plan of action is to get my eating back under control (which is going good given the fact i cant keep any food down haha!) and take measures to get into a daily routine, even if i’m not going anywhere - just so when i catch a glimpse in the mirror i dont get low. my weight is a huge contributor to everything self care related, it gets me down massively and its a huge trigger for anxiety and paranoia for me when you make comments about people you see online etc about their weight or call people fat, because i worry you judge me the same way and it sounds pathetic but it does genuinely hurt because sometimes it sounds like size is a huge issue for you and it sends me spiralling downwards, but this is a trigger that needs to be made clear to you as i know deep down you’re just messing most the time.

unfair divide in chores/ laziness - Washing up. when we progress and work through this, can we just get a dish washer? I will hand wash all my fluffy plates etc and the unicorn ones on a fair amount, for example if i use a plate and there’s one waiting to be cleaned i wont just dump mine on top for you to do, providing there’s time i will ensure it doesn’t build up, and obviously this is a habit we should both get into really to avoid any stress over the kitchen area being unclean. especially when you’re working 13 hours a day, i cant imagine i’ll be working that long of a day! so it makes more sense for me to do that when you’re out etc.

Snide remarks - Im the worst for this. think links in massively with the snapping and the outburts. I feel at times i do this because im over whelmed, and i know this is wrong. the solution to this i feel is just pure mindfulness, and respect more than anything else. I feel CBT will help with this massively. I wish I knew more about WHY this is my go to defence mechanism but honestly I have no idea myself.

Passing the blame/ playing victim - I feel I do this more than you, sometimes when i get triggered i feel like my reactions and thoughts are out of my control... which is just stupid. because ultimately it’s my job to decide what i think about something. end of really, it’s my responsibility and after talking i realised that by me blaming you, or making silly comments that made it feel like i was blaming you hurts you, massively. Unless your direct actions has led to something bad happening, for example if you throw something at me and it hits me in the eye and i shout oH FUCK or something, then that situation i would feel that your actions would be the reason i raised my voice for that haha :P the reality of the situation is that on a personal level we’re each responsible for taking responsibility for our own wellbeing - in the sense that while i’ve got every intention of looking after you fully, if you dont open up to me like you have recently then i dont know how to fix it and won’t be able to fix it for you and vice versa.

Invalidation - This I think we’re both very guilty of at times without meaning to - or even noticing we do it. it’s so so important that we listen and understand each-other without judgement. I sometimes do not acknowledge how upset or stressed or tired you are to the extent i need to, i can be dismissive and selfish especially when you’re so late home from work etc. I can get over excited and a little self obsessed to see it from your perspective. With BPD a lot of my triggers are caused by me feeling invalided like you don't understand or take things seriously when i try to express myself and it leaves me frustrated or upset, i know now that it’s not always the case and sometimes you panic and cant deal. I feel this is something we need to work on together. and learn about each other as time passes.

The need for reassurance/ attention/ care - Sometimes I feel like I ask for attention openly and it just kinda gets brushed off or last for a short period of time before you pick your phone or something up. When I ask for attention I mean I’d like to spend some quality time with you one on one, no distractions just me being able to enjoy you. You’ve never spoken to me about needing attention or care really so I would like you to be open with me when you need something, be that for me to help with your food, run you a bath or just get things for you when you’re not feeling so good. I do feel I am a lot needier in this sense with the whole ddlg stuff, and there’s a lot more expectation and pressure for you to care for me, but please know I am more than capable of looking after you when you need it, or simply just want it.

Sex and intimacy - This is a huge huge thing for me because for the first time in a very long time i’ve actually wanted to be physically close to another person. I dont really tend to like people touching me it makes me feel uneasy to actually wanting to be close to you feels amazing. The past few months obviously have been really bad for this, and i feel at times i’ve pushed for you to want to even cuddle or be near me. the lack of interest in me ruins that ‘you make me feel good about myself and wanted and loved’ from earlier and just fills me with safe hate like there’s something wrong with me, like im ugly and gross and you just cant stand the thought of being near me. this hurts me massively. obviously I know now that this was a direct result of everything that was going on but even now in my mind all i can hear and think about is you ‘how can you expect me to want to have sex with you when you say such horrible things’ and it’s like i shut down so much when i feel unwanted and pushed away it becomes a vicious cycle for us both. I know sex isnt something immediately on the cards etc and you need time to heal, but i think it would do us good to talk about what it means to us and stuff. and reasons why or why not we’d do that yknow? i know it’s a bit of a weird one but i feel so close to you when we do that like as weird and twisted as it sounds it feels like reassurance - at this point in my life I associate sex with love, and there isnt one without the other. so in my mind, no sex = no love so when we are intimate and stuff it relaxes me and puts my mind at ease. Regular intimacy is a huge thing, even if that’s just naked snuggles and touching yknow.

Cuddles and sleeps - I have no complaints, just moar pls. all the time. every day. 24/7 ;p I do get though that sometimes it’s too hot to snuggle properly, but similarly to sex i feel that if i dont touch you then i’m not wanted. it might sound stupid it’s just another form of validation i guess.

Money and savings - I don’t really know where to go with this, I find it uncomfortable that you’re still on a joint account with Jezi and are paying off finance items in her house. Personally I don’t want to make any commitments money wise until you sort this situation out which has been nearly a year long now and you said you would sort something out in December. I personally think the situation is weird and not ok. I don’t pay for Ben’s sofa, so why are you paying for hers? This is something that should have been sorted out when you left and i feel that it’s putting our life together on hold still. I don’t want to move forward knowing you’re still on someone elses joint account etc because that isn’t fair on me. I want us to work together as a team and once we take that next step to joint assets for it to be joint between US not you and anyone else. This i feel is a massive personal boundary for me. I want to commit to you and start our life, our home, our savings and bills etc together.

Children and family - Obviously, this is a huge one and i’ve had a pretty shitty attitude to date with this and some stupid shit i’ve come out with. I think we need to draw the line with making rude or offensive comments about each-others families. See the line becomes a bit blurry when you make offensive jokes or comments about your children etc, so the expectation that others dont when you do it isnt right. I do also think we should both have a set routine and more open conversations about this. I think that effort needs to come from both of us with each others families, obviously you dont need to make effort for any of my children because they’re all furry and have four legs. ;p

I don’t want to feel like my whole life has been shaken up, and you’ve always said it wouldnt be like that, or feel like im being pushed out because like i’ve said from the start i want a life with you - and whilst yes it fully involves luna and celestia i need your word that it wont effect the things we do together, like move in or get married or have our own family etc. because ultimately these are things i want for us in the future, sure not the foreseeable future but I DO want that life with you, and i want it to be just perfect and I feel ive spent so long trying to adjust by myself, trying to educate and calm and sooth myself with a situation that you frankly just dropped me in and left me in that it’s been a struggle. There’s a lot of stuff that I thought I felt to begin with that was just a part of the process for accepting and understanding. I love having fun days out and stuff, and I do want to be apart of their lives and make a positive impact on them and be another person in their support system, but i also need to know that in difficult situations where anyone acts up or misbehaves that you will deal with that, because it stresses me out feeling like it’s not my place to say or do anything, i just feel helpless and confused because this is a LIFE, a CHILD we’re talking about and it’s not my place to do right or wrong. it was hard coming to terms with the fact they’re not something I gave you. i wish so hard that things could have been different and a part of me will ALWAYS hurt that you gave that part of yourself to someone else and not me. but the fact is that it’s done. and there’s nothing I or you or anyone can do to change that. so it was just a case of learning to come to terms with the feelings i had about it, and process them in a way that I could move past it and get on. It’s at the point that my thoughts about everything changed completely. of course i still hate the fact its not something we share, but the reality is that if its important to you then it’s important to me, and whatever your thoughts and feelings I will do nothing other than support you in that. I think my perspective even until recently was a little limited to say the least, it felt like it was a case of me or them, and that you could only be there for either me or them in life, it just felt like a competition for you attention and love because from my experience when we have them you pretty much ignore me and give me the complete cold shoulder and im not ok with that. i know its hard for them to adjust but the reality is that if you want us to be together in the long term then sooner or later they’ll have to get used to seeing us together and honestly it’ll just become the norm if we act normal.

Honesty and openness -

Approachability -

Changes in opinion and feelings -

Worries -

Moving forward -

boundaries on a personal level / exs/ porn/ stupid shit - I will do a whole new post on this! But it’s so important we both have our boundaries with things, or are at least aware of what makes each other uncomfortable or upset. Being aware of this will stop us triggering each other.

dating -

Home -

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weidesofmarch-archive-blog · 8 years ago

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Beaulonge: Eight of Cups

Alternately: “BEAU GETS SMASHED AND DRUNKEN FISTS SOLANGE OUT OF EXISTENCE” - Lorrayne Lorraynestorm, 2017

Warnings: off-handed mentions of violence (against other persons), friends without benefits (friends with no benefits) (just really really awful friends), inadvisable references to the classics, suicidal ideation, and what probably passes for premeditated murder.

schrodingers-gal beau.

we literally just talked about you dumping your trauma on people

did you mean to vent on your main or is this some new masochistic thing ur doing

weidesofmarch What

weidesofmarch FUCK

schrodingers-gal thats what i thought

weidesofmarch nonononono someone even replied to it im

This whole fucking month has been. I have been a little Fuzzy. Lately

schrodingers-gal yeah thats a lot to unpack at once

do you want me to bring you a brick of muffin

schrodingers-gal does this have anything to do with why youre acting like more of a jackass than usual

weidesofmarch im homeless, solange

schrodingers-gal im DEAD, BEAU

schrodingers-gal and living in a dorm isnt homeless even if your roommate dipped

weidesofmarch This isn’t about my roommate. Im not thinking about that again. I mean i am but the walls move and every time i went inside they were a constant and now theres just me and a billion seizures waiting to happen.

I haven’t been in ra since the night i stayed at wynns

After i left in the morning I just didnt go home

schrodingers-gal excuse me

where the hell are you

weidesofmarch Spend most nights in the away locker room with the Dogs so the nighttime sports groups dont bust in on me

Ive been feeling stuff more and I cant remember things and i got really mad about that list thing moire posted forever ago because this has been the worst year of my life vis a vis my powers having no safe outlets what so ever

It was fine when i went home for break. I got to see Dante and the niblings &n that made me static and perfectable and controllable

weidesofmarch This is not in character for me. Im usually very in tune with my impulses. I dont DO things just to do them i have INTENT i have a purpose

I came here so i could find out why i have to deal with this and whether or not i could stop it but somehwere along the way i ended up in every ones side quests. Ive made 0 fucking progress

Im fucked.

I need to be in control

schrodingers-gal "need to be in control"

alright u fuckface, YOU were the one who said you couldnt fix me because you had no idea how your touch thing works. stop talking about your life likes its a drama serial

or was that another lie.

schrodingers-gal you don't get to just ruin my entire life because you get off on being All Powerful

never speak to me again u bloated sack of entitlement u suck

weidesofmarch Jesus christ thats not what this is

If youre really that sore about it you can come down to the rink while im kitted out n i can kick you in the neck how bout

schrodingers-gal its a little pathetic is all im saying

and if that would WORK id be more than happy to but we both know it doesn’t

you promised me my dog and you lied. you promised me a way out and you lied

you can get out any time u want. they might hound you for the rest of your life but you belong here because u say u do

weidesofmarch Its not like i make a habit of snapping people back into their corpes like the fuckiest game of lego there ever was

At this point a way out is all ive been fucking looking for

And youre wrong. Im even wrong. The only true thing i learned from being here is that i am even worse than a nothing. Instead of being a nothing i am an everything all at once. i am a part of all that i have met

i don't belong anywhere. fucking ulysses. fucking cain

weidesofmarch If you still want it though.

schrodingers-gal going by how long that pause was you better have come up with something good

weidesofmarch Absolutely.

Do you remember what i told you about me and Dante

The christmas party thing i mean. When i was really out of it and we turned that dude into a smoothie. I think we could do that too

Maybe not the actual smoothie part that would be gross

schrodingers-gal and it would be WRONG

weidesofmarch Ok

schrodingers-gal unbelievable

i dont see how pureeing my grey matter is supposed to help me or you

we already know my consciousness isnt locked in any one place and its not like the dean will let you go fro anything less than murder

weidesofmarch Not what i was getting at

Well kind of what i was getting at. Youre halfway there

weidesofmarch Like ghosts are only visible when theyre putting effort in right. Thats because of some fucky planes of reality liminal space bullshit that basically amounts to them vibrating at different frequencies than solid-based forms

And i know from cmas that I can change those vibrations. All kinds of vibrations. Like a drunk dissociative blender

I mean provided i load up on hallucinogens or dessert wine

schrodingers-gal so then you

what are you saying

weidesofmarch Get to the rink asap. If you have alcohol bring it

Im about to drop out of school

And we’re going to shake loose the mortal coil.

schrodingers-gal !

#ooc #schrodingers-gal #[[official resignation 2x combo: ya boys go out with a bang

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adhdphilosopher · 6 years ago

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vent post, ya ready?

im super incredibly frustrated

for at least two years, probably longer, my breathing has been a lil fucked up and im not sure why

last time i went to a medical professional about it was at my campus health center (notoriously not the best health service ever but better than nothing) because i felt like... this is weird, but only the top-front quarter of my lungs would fill as i breathed. once in a while i might get a good breath, but like, with a lot of concerted effort.

it was frustrating junior year, but it became an actual concern senior year when i got so dizzy i fell over because i cant breathe properly.

when i got to the health center the next morning, though, i passed the breathing test thingy where you exhale and blow the little measure thingy up the tube?? and the lady said my lungs sound normal through the stethoscope

so this weird breathing thing isn’t constantly every day 24/7 always, but it like comes and goes

it feels simultaneously like i’d been swimming and crying really hard and so i have to gasp for air. it’s so frustrating and i cant stop complaining about it at home because it’s like really causing me some concern. my parents are getting rather short with me because i just can’t keep my annoyance to myself. i just!!!!!! i have an appointment set with the family gp on the 31 but im constantly on the verge of tears because i CANNOT FUCKING BREATHE and im so afraid that no one is going to take me seriously

i do have a large lung capacity because ive played flute since i was 9 and spent the last 8 years in marching band, so i supposedly have great breath control - except now i DON’T and i am SO UPSET ALL THE TIME because everyone thinks im mad at them or bored something but all im actually mad about is that my LUNGS AREN’T FILLING UP AS THEY SHOULD

im breathing enough to function mostly but i also get dizzy because i have to fucking gasp and it takes me so many, many tries before i can get a breath that is satisfactory and comfortable

i have to wait until the 31 to be checked out and i mean ill make it ill survive but im just so !! distraught!! it’s probably nothing serious i think, like, i’m not worried im gonna die or anything, but im tired of this im tired of feeling dizzy and weak because i can’t breathe

dad thinks it’s just because im overweight and like sure that may be a factor im not gonna deny that about myself but it’s not that, i really don’t think. mom thinks it’s a side effect of my meds, but i don’t think it’s that, either. dizziness and drowsiness are listed side effects, but not inability to inhale well

idk if theres a way to be tested for allergies or asthma or something but just fuckin idk

theres a lot more on my mind right now as well but ill leave it there for the time being

#vent post #blah blah blah

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bunnymetal · 6 years ago

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i had a dream that i got a lot of mind control paraphernalia from something... and i was playing around with it and discovered this old secret project to make a class in schools specifically for mind controlling children with propaganda... and then when i went to school i found out that it was HAPPENING so i went back home and was freaking out abt it but no one else was and my sister was like... being really pedantic to me and i was like DUDE stop?! and she said NOW U KNOW HOW IT FEELS but I cant control it... its legiterally just how my brain processes info... so i yelled at her and joined the terrible class

it started with this warning abt how this kid called mr suno was going around with this mind control ray and was REALLY DANGEROUS... the end. then we had to write somwthing abt it and i wrote how mr suno was Right Actually

and we had a project which i Lost Brutally and the kid who did it best got a giant chocolate bar and i was like :/ manipulation... then there was a moment where we had to do abstract art and i befriended this little girl who was Like Me and i was like hey girl this entire class is a propaganda machine. listen to urself more than anyone else ok. and she was kick-ass. anyway the art thing was bullshit and the teacher was like OH NO SILLY BABY YOU HAVE TO DO IT LIKE THIS so i lashed out again... then the lights went out and this other teacher came by to my table and was like THESE TWO GIRLS ARE TROUBLEMAKERS... so Me Being Me i finally got rly genuinely loud abt it like OH MY GOD YALL ARE THE MONSTERS TRYING TO MIND CONTROL THESE POOR KIDS. WHAT THE FUCK and i listed off all my proof... she read what i wrote abt mr suno and was like OH YOURE JUST TRYING TO WORK WITH HIM HUH! and i said NOO DUDE I THOUGHT IT WAS A FUCKING... FICTIONAL PROMPT

and i went off on how they were trying to control the children and then I realized... wait... im One Singular Adult... i can LEAVE

so i DID and went to my science teachers class and was trying to vent to him but he Also was being a douchebag and not listening and just being all pedantic and weird so i called my mom (WHO ALSO WASNT LISTENING) and made plans to withdraw from school nehdhfhfhd but i was also talking on discord to some other kids ... apparently a LOT of time passed after i left and some of them realized I was right but like. not a lot and it was after they could really do anything... :(

so... the end

#dream journal

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bi-dazai · 7 years ago

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like i am TRYING!!! so hard to get back on good terms with her!!! and honestly with the shit she pulls i shouldnt even be giving her this!! but im fucking caring and generous and i always give too many second chances, but often it turns out okay bc in that time the person can realise what theyre doing and apologise and try to change!!!

but oh man!!!

lets just start on the shit that she did that made me move out:

1. call women “dykes” - even after i told her that, as a straight woman, she couldnt fucking say that word

2. was emotionally manipulative and selfish when i opened up to her, leaving me permanently afraid of ever being vulnerable

3. when i confessed that my anxiety and stress was so bad i literally hadnt had a sex drive for at least two years, her solution was not “let my daughter vent about her troubles” but “i’ll buy you a vibrator” and then not listening when i was visibly uncomfortable and repulsed by this and going ahead and doing it anyway, then getting offended when i got angry at her when she revealed what shed done when it came in the mail and she tried to give it to me

4. going off 3 - never actually respecting my fucking wishes. i said i didnt want a therapist bc and she booked me an appntmnt with a therapist. i said i didnt want to see her at all when i went to live at my dad’s and LITERALLY the next day she came in and tried to talk to me. it took WEEKS of my dad arguing until she actually fucked off. and it extends to the small things as well - eg my brother went to get a massage, my mum asked if i wanted one too, i said no, next thing i know shes booked a double appointment anyway. she really does NOT respect what i say, she thinks she “knows best”

5. about no 2 - confessed all her problems (i mean ALL) to a 10 yr old me, and then whenever i tried to vent to her bc i thought we were close she would speak over me, play the “my suffering is worse than yours” game, and then proceed to never let me actually talk about my feelings bc she used MY TRUST to vent about her own problems when id come to talk about mine.

6. is a fucking ungrateful bitch. stayed at my dad’s house for a wk after an operation bc my dad wanted her close to the hospital and with someone else in case she needed to be rushed to the er. we cooked for her, looked after her house while she was at ours - my brother spent the night of his own 14th bday sleeping on the couch so she could sleep in his bed - and her thoughts?? “i hate being under ivan’s [my dad] control”. dismisses any kind action.

7. would guilt trip me and my brother by saying “you dont love me” “you dont appreciate me” “you dont do enough for me” etc while i’m literally the one fucking dealing with her own problems on top of mine, AND the one who talks to her the most, AND the one who actually stood up for her when my dad or my brother were being genuinely nasty to her. and that doesnt even cut it to the fact that being a parent is not going to be an equal fucking exchange between parent and child - the child didnt sign up for being born. AND let’s not get to the fact that, when she started saying shit like this, i was about 12 and my brother was 9.

8. threatened to leave home and me and my brother behind via a fucking text. while at school. this year (my last year of hs). causing me to have a breakdown and an anxiety attack and having to get the school police officer to BREAK INTO her house to talk her out of it.

9. spanked us as kids, threatened to hit us with a wooden spoon, once did with me when she was drunk off her ass (which was fucking often in my childhood), would apologise for it the next day (so she remembered it happened) but end up doing it again some time the same week, mostly to me bc i was oldest and also probably autistic at that stage so didnt quite function the best socially with my brother, but then denies that she ever did it now. i would remember being physically abused bc i yelled too loud for your drunk ass when i was 7, thanks.

the list goes on and fucking on!! im so FUCKING done!!!!!! i cant stand being in this shitpile anymore with her! bc its just tension! every day something has happened which is just honestly a microcosm of how it was when i properly lived w/ her! and tonight it was the lesbophobia and the talking over me and my brother and her ganging up on me, nights before it was just random statements shed say (lets not mention the onslaught of racial slurs which she “justified” when i told her not to say them by saying she was parodying the ppl who use them), and i dont want to fall into the pit i just fucking got out of! so as soon as my dad has his free days then im returning back to my home and avoiding her for the next week.

#okay THIS one is personal #so do NOT reblog #i mean you can send asks about it #but this post is not relatable lmao #long post #ask to tag

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