#this is not a new problem im just thinking abt it again
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to the 4 ghost asks in my inbox: who r u
#i want them GONE#but i cant even see them to get rid of them#this is not a new problem im just thinking abt it again
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🎤 thoughts: is it normal for friends to kind of ~disappear after getting together with someone and is it normal to feel sad about it
#ive been wondering this for a while bc one of my super close friends has been dating this girl for like 4 months atp#and since then i think our communication has gone down by a lot ajsbsf#for context this guy is rlly good friends with me and my bf!! he and my bf go waay back since they were 5 😭#and he and i trauma bonded in hs LOL which is why we're so close#he's at the level of like. he could be my maid of honour in my wedding 😭 like i would put him there along w my bsf#bc next to my bf i think they're the next 2 people who know me best 😭 but my bf also wants him as a groomsman 😭#and i think ive honestly witnessed him at the lowest points of his life hsbfsdf#there was one time we came from a night out with friends and when he dropped me home he had to park outside my house for a bit#bc he was having a full on breakdown and didn't want to go home yet 😭#i think ive witnessed him at many stages of his life basically sdfbsjdf#and i mean im not rlly taking it personally that he isnt talking to us as much cos i respect the whole new relationship phase#i also wouldnt want to cause problems or make his girl see me as a threat or smth 😭 so taking a step back a bit was a given#but my bf is fr getting sad abt it and honestly i am too a lil bit 😭 cos where is our friend 😭#i talked so much again#anyway what are some thoughts on this im curious#maybe im also just overreacting
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I'm starting to see ppl talk abt updating their artfight pages and at first I was like what why it's still months away and then it hit me that by months it was two months and now I'm just silently sweating as my anual side project to remake the eternal gales refs and give them all icons comes back to haunt me
#rat rambles#oc posting#well I mean the good news is that all the staliens are already done and Ive already started on the human kids#the bad news is that theres still 5 more refs for me to remake and 9 icons if I decide to commit to that#the only one Ill probably force myself to do is sprinkles since shes the only stalien that doesnt have one and I dont want to leave her out#the human kids might just not get them tho especially since theres other characters Id like to make refs and icons for too#not as many newbies to the field this year which is a good thing since I do not have a lot of space left for new characters lol#Im probably going to take it easy this year in terms of my goals for artfight since last year I crashed and burned Hard#hopefully Ill have the time and motivation to draw a decent amount but if I dont Ill try not to be too broken up about it#especially since Ill probably burn myself out a bit doing the last minute ref rush lol#its not necessary especially since all the guys who needed the new refs most got theirs but Id like for them to be on the same page#I also went ahead and cleaned up my page a lil bit to make my life easier in the future#I should probably update bios and stuff but I dont feel like it Im too tired#tomorrow Im definitely going to need to clean some more as I have been for nearly every day#I mean guess thats why Im here in part#last week of pet sitting tho so soon Ill be back home again#Im not sure if Im excited or dreading it cause while I miss my family I also have been rly enjoying a house to myself#like its not necessary easy to do all the chores and stuff but it's a lot easier to do said chores when Im alone#and Ive actually been waking up at reasonable times too like not having my mom floating around is doing wonders#its almost making me rethink my insistence that I couldnt live alone but I definitely think itd get to me in the long term I need people#I just wish there was a better middleground since having people constantly in the house stresses me out so bad#it leads to me hiding out all day in my room and that's just not good for me#but its not like I could live by myself even if I wanted to#at this rate I dont think Ill ever move out but lets not think abt how much worse that could be for me thats future me's problem
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still thinking abt fairy tail like idk if i can actually articulte why i wouldnt recommend it to anyone despite liking it so much? like its a generic shounen story but i did in fact enjoy it (until the end but thats like a staple to the genre at this point i think) but gun to my head i wouldnt be able to tell you what abt it i would change to make it better
#i am admittedly not a very creative person in the first place#i think as like a starter anime its a good one to like ease you into it? bc again its very generic and also no one dies lmao and its not par#particulrly deep and is like the face of the power of friendship solving all your problems#i guess maybe more worldbuilding?? which is insane consider how much worldbuilding there is?#or like#maybe expanded worldbuilding#a more interconnected storyline mayhaps bc everything kinda happens in blocks#like having very visible indicators between arcs isnt bad but again they barely flow#its plot moved rather than character moved#so perhaps more character moved#i think what it is is that its all very BLAND and generic#but it was like one of the first animes i watched so it has a very special place in my heart#and also the more i find out abt op the more im like oh yeah this is so obviously influenced by it 💀#i think ft problem is that it was obvs made to be long running#so new plots were conceived to just elongate the overarching story#is the impression i get which is possibly why it feels so unconnected#its like ok this thing happened now moving on to another thing and its just like that all the time#wish the character relationships got fleshed out more :(#wish LUCY FUCKING HEARTFILIA got to have more chances to shine god damn#*clenched fist* i will NOT rewatch ft i wont i refuse#michi tag
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#yesterday i was wandering around the campus where ive resided these last 4 years bc ive banned myself from running until my leg heals#and i was thinking like. what am i gonna miss about this place when i leave? bc im always thinking abt the things i cant wait to get away#from. and its a real short list. ill miss the palm trees bc i never get sick of seeing thrm. theyre so weird#ill miss the yucca. again bc theyre so weird looking. ill miss the way u can see where all the ants r bc in the non human populated areas#there isnt grass everywhere bc desert. ill miss that there r so many birds of prey hanging around. and the road runners and all the lil#lizards. and maybe in an abstract way ill miss being so close to the boarder bc when u live near a boarder boarders feel like bullshit#like staring down the road into another country. idk theres something i like abt that. ill probably also miss being able to run outside#all year long bc in the winter during the day all u need is a light jacket lol. where im going it gets real cold 🥶#maybe ill even miss the constant blue skies. but idk ive always liked a cloudy sky better. makes me think of home haha#ill def miss how convenient my apartment rn is. the loft bed. the low cost. the 5min walk to campus. sigh. but thats pretty much it. i#dont think ill miss anything else. im not really close with anyone. my boss was the reason i came here and she left this school in January#so thats it i guess. i think i stayed a year too long and was not well for a lot of my time here but so it goes#just gotta move to the next place. just gotta pray pray pray that i find an apartment soon. i dont even wanna say anything abt it bc im#afraid to jinx things. even tho thats irrational. like. i just gotta somehow project how good a tenant i am. im so quiet u will never see#me and i never complain abt anything bc i have brain problems. sigh. i cant wait for this transition to b over#im so so so ready to be in a new place doing new things. but at least my energy is back. im back to high energy on little sleep lol#i dont understand how my body functions lmao. somehow when i get a normal amount of sleep it's a sign that i feel awful#unrelated
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#man im really tired of having feelings for him. i should really just keep my distance and go back to dating apps#i long for the connection we have and hate having to build up something brand new#but im really tired of feeling butt hurt everytime he sleeps with our roommate#like yeah we broke up over a year ago. and still casually do shuff. its just hard for me to turn off that side of my brain#i just want to feel loved and be held by someone without having to build the foundation all over again#ive been depressed the past few days because of it. i act irrationally and cant control my feelings#overall its better if i just let them fuck around and i try to find someone new. only problem is im anxious and not a good conversationalist#plus i hate messaging people over phone. too much anxiety abt what im saying and if the other person enjoys me or not#anyways it sucks seeing the subtle evidence that they went at it while i was away. i have no right to be upset but i cant help but think of#him as more than a friend. i cant and shouldnt but we had dated 6 years previously. its a bit difficult to turn that switch off now#dammit i guess tonight im gonna sleep alone again and try not to cry. whatever gotta get over myself and move on. have to stop only thinking#of my self and being so damn possessive all the time#ash rambles#fuck i feel worse now after typing all that out yippee..
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ohhhhh the new argenti trailer. nevermind. i MUST have her
#i do not care abt meta at all i only use characters i like so it means nothing to me that her kit apparently sucks lol#also everyone says erudition is the weakest path but its by far my favorite so again idc abt that im pulling argenti#honestly i dont really see the point of following meta for a completely single player game without a single leaderboard for anything#like it literally means nothing if u can do the most possible damage in the game#and black swan's design is not nearly as pretty as i hoped which is why i dont really care if i dont end up getting her lol#it sucks so bad tho bc i look at leaks and aside from her... i dont care or want any upcoming characters LOL#most of them look very boring to me#genshin has that problem now too for me#the designs are just so mehhhhh#anyways thats fine tho bc i can just pull for argenti and then go back into saving for when an eventual character i like does come around#surely i wont hate EVERY design. surely#also im sorry but shes a girl no one will ever be able to make me use he/him for argenti#that is my new girlprince idc idc#ruan mei is very pretty and i like her music theme a lot but i dont care about harmony characters bc i dont like using them. so#also i have too many support characters so i do not need or want more#hanya i think is technically support tecccchhhhnicaaally but i love her so i dont care#sorry guys dont play star rail look at what it does to the human mind... this is sick this is sad
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BTW . hyperfixating on pkmn soooo hard lately BUT object shows are existing in my brain again SO !!!! soon... soon......
#the new eps of stuff have made me HAPPY!!!#and also iv been gradually coming back to one which im SO happy abt#i was like hyperfixated on it so hard but. medication reaction </3 BUT IM OFF IT AND HAVE GRADUALLY BEEN FEELING BETTER#pkmn is also just easy for me to focus on when im low energy hence why i didnt go straight back to one#but i DO wanna rewatch one soon so i dont make a horrible horrible mistake#do have some stuff ive been drawing lately though :D!!!! might post some of those soon!!!!#/caps in tags#the moment i can go thru the tag and rb soooo much stuff? ill never have a problem AGAIN#ive been seeing so many one posts i wanna rb SO bad on my dash tho. but i have to go thru the tag. yknow how it is#(used to think that was the autism . but thinking on it now. probably compulsion LOL /lh)#(also unrelated to objects but IS related to that that i recently got like an actual diagnosis for ocd which HOORAY!!#theres no reason for me to share that im just excited. only on my object show sideblogs do you recieve awesome henry lore)
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tf:p is popular and probably better quality media in comparison to the rest of the tf catalogue but also everybody is annoying about it and the cgi faces are kinda ugly so I don't like it
#rando thoughtz#i am petty enough to just dislike things bc the fans are annoying i am not above it <3#for example i hate tf:a blitzwing bc ppl are annoying abt him#i also have a bit of distain for megatr.on & starsc.ream for similiar reasons#(though i cant say its hate its more indifference and slight annoyance which is p good considering im a massive hater)#tf.p i will be honest i havent finished but its kinda bc i got bored at a point and fell asleep and couldnt keep up when i woke up#my sister loves the show though (i was watching it w/ her btw) so i will grant her that grace#she also rlly rlly loves . all the characters from it that annoy me a bit#bc of fandom oversaturation to be clear not bc of the character themself#like tfp starscr.m 🤢#and k0bd which ok i am indifferent towards idc. i did buy her k0bd stuff for xmas bc i know she likes them#its just. idc i dont care for the show that much its hard for me to watch#bc again their faces are so weird to me i cant get over it#tf:e got the cgi faces down a lot better like thank god for innovation#yeah i think my problem is. its not earth.spark i just like earth.spark more#OH ESPECIALLY since theres less focus on op & megs And Instead focus on a well written bee and new fun characters#plus a rlly nice plotline abt unity and solidarity between earth & cybertronians which is one of my fav parts of the franchise ok#i know this is like The Opposite of what the typical tf fan wants out of the franchise#but i think we established by now i am not the typical tf fan#so tf:e is my fucking bread and butter this is the ultimate thing i want out of the tf franchise#so yeah to summarize i am just a hater in the tf fandom and i dont like any popular takes on anything here
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#helpp i know sometimes ppl use ai for school TO SUMMARIZE really long readings when theyre short on time#like i still dont think thats. ideal. but i can understand it.#what i cant understand is using ai writing for assignments.. which ive had ppl proudly talking abt before.. ew#and recently my brothers been using ai for like. cover page and resume layouts but like..#wait actually i think i could solve my brothers layout problem if he just wants to remake his old one but ANYWAY..#hes sounded pretty happy abt it and it makes me feel a little bad but even my parents r like. why r u using ai 💀#AND IM GLAD bc theyre usually. not right w their opinions im ngl#idk whats my dads deal with it but my moms is that people are getting lazier or dumber and not doing things on their own#and thats part of why i want my brother to stop too but hes stubborn and he probs like that it saves him some time#but genuinely i think he spent a good amount of time generating layouts and even asked me abt it#but i probably couldve remade his in google docs in less.. and he'd be able to edit and adjust everything to his liking too#idk why i just realized i could remake it today😭 saw the side column and my brain shut off idk! its possible even w my limited knowledge#ALSO ON AI. heard from a cousin whos in his late teens say that he has friends who are “dating” their ai bots?#like snapchat ai chats? girl huh#like i knew abt c.ai and shit but the snapchat bot? if ur on snap then just talk to people 😭#like i knew people would freak out that would freak out whenever c.ai was down for maintenance n shit#but i think even they have more awareness than the people who go around announcing theyre dating their chat ai#and like i get it! bot says everything u wanna hear n ur like ooh🥺#but like. at the end of the day thats still just a chat ai.. and apart from the “wtf” factor. i do feel bad if ppl cant remember that😭#where was i going w this umm. using ai writing! bad! and im not even gonna get started on art 💀#i think for me also part of it is like. do u really want to write to other ppl in some ai's words and not ur own?#and ai can generate u as many nice looking resumes as u want but when u need to update it ull have to redo the process of#generating a new one or a similar one all over again if u dont have access to it in a way where u can make edits..#like its just a waste of your time and the writing isnt sincere idk. ig it matters less if u think ppl wont see it#but i heard ppl r doing it for creative writing applications to universities too and its like. why? what are u writing#a prompt? girl get the fuck out of here#anyway. will quit yapping 💀 ai bad#44597
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Thinking abt Him again (Wendy Carter)
#rat rambles#missing my favoritest carter atm. and also wendy ig#I am sad that wendy skill tree drop isnt by webber's side but at least abby gets to be skill tree bros with Her bestie 😌#I still haven't looked at wendy's skilltree because god I am afraid why has it been taking this long wendy abby what did you two do#I will keep procrastinating tho because even tho my standards aren't technically all that high I still feel like they're too high#wendy has like 4 game mechanics and I ideally would want his skill tree to stay focused more on those things#Ive heard that wendy's skill tree lets him do some stuff as a ghost and thats. neat I guess. but its not what Im looking for.#I Really don't think Wendy needs whole new types of mechanics I just want stuff to make sisterns both good and interesting some stuff for#abby to make her more fun to fight stronger enemies with and some new elixers#and tbh. I dont like the idea of wendy himself doing cool ghost stuff. if anything Id rather he be able to buff other dead players#I just think a vital part of wendy's kit to me is that without abby hes just a less shitty wes#but the problem with that is that it means that for like 90% of the bosses (it Im being generous) you are fighting as a less shitty wes#and could fuck around with the idea of wendy expanding from being an abby specific support unit to a more general support unit#now ofc this would have drawbacks and be hard to implement well but y'know.#I also just dont like the idea of too many non abby ghost perks in general as I think it would just add needless bloat#which tbf is like what half of every skill tree is so idk what I expected#some characters rly do need the extra mechanics due to very nothing burger base kits but I really don't think wendy needs that much#again the tools for giving wendy and abby cool flashy shit or more practical stuff are already present#so yeah idk if Ill like his skill tree much. which is why Ive been avoiding looking at it like the plague ever since it was announced#I try not to be too bitchy abt skill trees even tho I've basically never liked them since most of the time they're inoffensive#but this is my boy so I will be a big baby about his skill tree being mid no matter what they put on it lol#I hope walter and wortox mains are having fun at least they both need the reworks badly#now for walter I dont trust that a skill tree will be what he needs but wortox can work with this I think#just above all else god I hope webber's skilltree is good whenever klei decides to release webber from their basement#poor boy needs the buffs so bad he has been painfully outclassed in every regard for years
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thinking abt kiana's new battlesuit + ely's new weapon n stigmata set bcus she's getting an astral ring.. the logistics of this might kill me
#222#ok so think w me here#im at like 40 pity#pity doesnt matter in hi3 bcus everything is guaranteed unlike every other hoyo game god bless#problem is. will i have enough crystals for kiana n both weapons?#n ur like. but luna? what abt the stigmatas? WELL DEAR READER THEY'RE CRAFTABLE SO NO ONE CARES#this will either cost a LOT or just enough#bcus battlesuit pity is 90 + weapon pity is 50.#stigmatas dont reset the pity bcus the focus is the weapon therefore they dont count. plus craftable. so even less reason to count#since i'll be skipping bianca's new battlesuit bcus tbh idc abt the child models at all i might be able to save maybe 20 pulls. and thats#not even counting the future events#anw. dont ask urself when u'll see me be this passionate and open again bcus i am a mystery like that#hope u enjoyed me losing my brain#AND THATS NOT EVEN COUNTING HSR LOGISTICS.#BCUS CYRENE AND CASTORICE#AND ALSO GENSHIN. BCUS I WANT MIZUKI BUT ARLE + CLORINDE RERUN PLUS LIYUE WHOLE BANNER#I WANT GANYU AND SHENHE#this is not looking good for me...#anw back to coquette fairycore soft neapolitan y2k pink posting <3
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#so thinking abt my inability to do things in thr context of my 0cd is interesting. bc i would say my primary problem is my obsessive#compulsive behavior and inflexibility. idk if thr inflexibility is inherent to me bc its part of the reason i got stamped with aut1sm or but#its part of what maked it so hard to tell if i had 0cd or not. bc im just so fucking rigid and structured abt literally everything without#any reason. y do i have to do X thing and i cant do Y thing? idk my brain just says i cant. which kinda does align with 0cd more or just#like something compulsive. and its sorta weird bc i think im a lot more aligned with purely obsessional 0cd. so i dont do a lot of external#ritual. its more abstract. like constantly i have to work or b perfect or else i start getting intrusive thoughts. always thr same ones. and#to make them go away i have to physically suffer usually thru overworking to my mental breaking point or sometimes more direct ways#when its really bad. and then i have to keep working. and i do a lot of fucking ruminating. fucking constand catogorizing and pathological#self reflection. again i have high standards and high affinity for self punishment which is a lot to deal with. its exhausting and misery#making. and the annoying thing is that im like this for a reason. i mean it makes sense. having a learning disability plus bad short term#working memory plus some mood weirdness. ive created a structure that makes me productive but also creates so much pressure thst i cant#function at all sometimes. and whats worse is that even then even with the amount of checking i do i am still a master of fucking up the lil#things. i forgot to write my name in the autoclave list and caused problems for ppl bc i forgot when i went up there Even tho i new i needed#to. i also forgot to put thr foam cap on a liquid nitrogen tank which would have been SO FUCKING BAD if it all evaporated. so many samples#woulf have been lost bc i just fucking forgot to put it back. that was just this week. idk i just forget things like that. i left a freezer#door open in hs and we lost everything in the freezer. i also fucked up an whole experiment by not reading a schedule right. and its really#frustrating not being able to trust that youve done the right thing in the past. not to mention all the bullshit i mislabel but thats more#dys1exia realated. alas. i check and check and get anxious spikes of: FUCK DID I DO X? for a reason. but also its no fun#unrelated
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just logged into my old discord by accident (i still use both emails and sometimes i forget which one is on my current account) and saw a couple messages over the last couple weeks from . okay we have nearly no message history and theres no identifying info on the acct but im PRETTY sure its an old irl i havent talked to in years.....
#i have uhhhh mixed feelings abt this#i told him i didnt use that acct anymore and he asked me to send a friend req on my new acct#so i did. he hasnt accepted it tho and its been like a half hour so shrugs.#tentatively ill try to talk to him but one of the messages was just a heart and then there was onr that was just naaaaaAAteee#so i uh. think he mightve started drinking again. but we shall see#not that the drinking is like. something that i have a problem with but i used to have a mad crush on him#and he knew that and whenever he was drunk hed be like i love you so muuuuuuch mwahhh its so sad we cant be together bc im so fucked up and#twisted aha#and then when he was sober he was just like no i think of you as a little sibling lol i was just drunk#which was really not great for MY mental state#BUT he did give me a safe place to stay and helped me massively in getting me away from my shit ex#like he never did anything to me just kinda played w my feelings ig#so idk if hes gonna be like that again or not....hes also just a v affectionate person so sending a heart isnt that weird for him#the thing thats weird is the last time we spoke he was when i was moving and he was just like.#yup. well ill probably never see you again but it was nice knowing you bye <3#and i was just like oh. okay.#and hes not messaged me until now in the last few years sooooooo#i dont have high hopes ig. but it would be cool if hes chiller now...
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yeah okay I rly do need to try and convince my dr to get me tested for endometriosis or smth
#wont get into it bc its tmi but been having some odd symptoms this last year that ive been like 'whatever it always passes' about#but joining some dots. it would make a lot of sense if it was part of a bigger problem. ik its not smth u can self diagnose but i think#its def worth looking into... ahh.#i mean hopefully my new practice will be a decent place to go for it bc 3 of the gps there have womens health/family planning specialism#and if they have my nhs records theyll know ive been to see drs abt period pain since i was 16 or 17 so maybe theyll take me seriously#but also there's part of me thats like man i cant be fucking bothered to go thru this again#and i dont waaaaant a vaginal exam. ughhhhhhhhhhh. when will they invent those sci fi scanners that just zap u and find the problem#god im so tired. im gonna shower and then maybe take a short nap. and then ill get back to doing fun things instead of Thinking#biiiig doglike sigh. would be nice if my body would cooperate with me forever thank u#.diaries
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gggrrrrrr i feel ,,, like i can't make a big post abt what's bothering me bc i swear she doesn't follow me but she lurks on here from time 2 time so I'm ranting in the tags here side note I wish I could shut the fuck up but im struggling with that!!!!! >:(
#if u see this kai i love u#im so fucking stressed rn all i think abt is getting fucked up and od'ing so like yikes thats a problem#im tryna be excited and happy abt visiting fl but its so hard to keep my shit together rn#shes upset over her dad and low key taking it out on me and ik we're both stressed to the max#i can tell im having a problematic episode and its showing#i feel so annoying 2 every1 every time i say anything its eating at my brain#i feel like a shit person bc i wish i could do more for every1 but i cant even do for myself rn#i just want to smoke n drink n get fucked up and hav no cares in the world#i wanna drink sossooooo bad but my FL friends are gonna b watching over me like a hawk#i just wanna get away and do fuckshit but at the same time id rather kms than do drugs with those ppl ever again#like 2 1/2 years ago chase came by to help us move shit and he literally handed me a bag of meth and was like u want some?? i said wtf#i kicked him out bc he knew i was sober and i genuinely hate meth i accidentally did it 1 time on new years eve i swear i was finna die#i tried coke that night and i was on acid it felt truly magical i luvvv acid n coke#i just hav a rly bad coke problem but ive been sober since 2020!!!!#doesnt mean i dont think abt it allll the timeeee#sobriety rocks! jk jk this is the hardest shit ever#its just me n my nic vape against the world huh
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