#this is my monthly “ i hate going to the dentist cuz my teeth hurt after it” post

[cool-person-yey]

sometimes life is good and sometimes your teeth hurt

[if-there-was-any-more-left-of-me]

I need to get this all down.

I shake all day long. My hands mostly, but my whole body too.

I'm always either starving or nauseous and wanna throw up. Nothing I eat makes it better. I crave garbage food and shovel down sugary snacks as fast as I can.

I'm always bloated, painfully so, and gassy. My stomach is swollen and hard, and it hurts to sit, stand, or lay down. I'm constipated most of the week, then visited with violent, painful, explosive diarrhea.

I'm thirsty and I drink and drink and drink but I never feel better.

I can't go to sleep til 5 or 6 am. I wake up at 7 or 8,go back to sleep, wake up at 11 or so and eat breakfast then go back to sleep til 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 pm. When I wake up, I am always The Most Tired I have ever been. I never wake up feeling happy or rested or content. I often have these really intense dreams that are more exhausting than being awake and I wake up panting, shaking, hot and sweaty (even with AC, a fan, and just a sheet), and feeling as though I had been clenching my whole body tight for hours.

Every sound is the most annoying sound ever. The radio, people talking, electronics, pet lickiing foot, water filter. My ears feel big and hollow and resonate these sounds like a big empty tin barn. Some sounds feel more like a thin, long drill bit being driven deep down in my ear.

I can't smile or laugh. I can't lift my head up.

I am so depressed and so angry. I hate the government, I hate the public for letting it all happen, I hate my mother for squandering our money and getting my health insurance canceled and for acting like she's not responsible for me being so sick.

I hate being trapped in this house where I can't even flush the toilet. I hate that my only outing is driving to go feed all the cats.

I hate that I can't use my phone consistently to escape because of the shitty service. I hate that my friends have all forsaken me and don't even wonder about me let alone want to see me.

My memory is gone. I can't remember anything, what time it is, what day it is, who I was just talking to, what I ate for breakfast. I don't know anything. My brain doesn't work. I used to be funny and clever and genuinely smart. But right now I can't figure out how to turn the shower on. People ask me questions and I can't answer. I can't listen to conversation because I dissociate so hard.

My head hurts all the time. Much worse having to drive facing the sunset. I can't see from it. Just painful white glare.

My diabetic neuropathy is getting much worse than the Gabapentin can handle. My feet are numb and everything I touch hurts my hands. Having to do things with my fingers is excruciating.

My back hurts all the time, whether I am trying to work or not. In addition to my lower back injury, it now hurts up high. Any way I move my neck or arms hurts.

I am dizzy all the time. Standing up feels woozy and thick. My knees, ankles, hips buckle when I walk. Obviously, walking hurts my numb feet. I have no sense of balance anymore. I used to be strong and steady.

Without my insurance, I can't follow through with the important testing my GI doctor was doing, which was originally to find out what was causing all my digestive problems, but then also included making sure something she found wasn't cancerous. But that's not important.

I can't afford my allergy pills, which are not important.

I can't see my podiatrist to fix my horribly painful ingrown toenails. Not important.

Can't see the pain management doctor who prescribes my pain medication and does minor pain alleviating procedures. Not important.

Can't see my psychiatrist who was in the process of trying out new depression medication and getting me to a level of functioning. I'm stuck in limbo with a medication that doesn't work for me.

Definitely can't see a therapist cuz even if I could afford it, I would be told every day what a waste it is and that I should manage my problems like SHE does, by yelling at my family and belittling my elderly husband (no that was a actual conversation we had)

Can't afford to get my regular blood work done by my regular doctor that she always insists we do monthly because we're very sick, unmanaged diabetics. I'm not even getting to take the diabetes medication I'm supposed to I'm just taking whatever free samples she has in office

God I miss going to the doctor. But that's not important. You know what's important? A 2005 red ford mustang pony edition that's held under titlemax. I have been told many times that that car will not be relenquished no matter what else has to go. I think that includes m8. Because I am very sick but I keep being told that I am imagining that I can't go to the doctor. I'm imagining that I can't afford my prescription.

Am I imagining the sick cat with a massive infection that's eaten a 2" by 4" patch of skin off his back that he licks raw every day? Am I imagining not being able to afford to take him to the vet? Am I imagining the massive tumors on HER dog? The dozens of them? I guess it's fine that she dies as long as we get to keep the mustang.

I am definitely imagining that the house is infested with millions of fleas and we can't afford the good medication (ie the $15/animal stuff that actually kills fleas) for 3 dogs and 16 cats.

Definitely imagining not being able to get get 14 wild kittens spayed and homed.

But I know I am not imagining the dozens of stray cats we spend more money on every day that we feed. Those are real.

More real I guess than my sister's need for therapy or my dad's need for dental surgery after all of his teeth have rotted out and the infection is getting ready to spread.

But that's not important. My teeth aren't important and it is definitely my fault for not going to the dentist that I have holes and cavities and pain and shit and definitely not because SHE complained constantly about me wasting money by going to the dentist every year (back when we had money) and then obviously not going anymore once the money dried up.

I remember her screaming at me in 2017,threatening to tell the doctors and police that I refused to take my medicine so they'd lock me up because she didn't like how I responded to some of the dozen different meds I tried that year. I remember because now she has convinced herself that I never take my medicine and that all my problems would go away if I would just take my medicine.

I'm so sick. I'm so scared. I'm so angry. I don't know what to do. I just want to scream and tear myself open.

It's getting worse. And every time I say that I'm upset about concentration camps or not being able to get the medicine I need, I get told to take more medicine. I can't take this level of invalidation. The gaslighting. I do not know what is real anymore.

This seems like an afterthought but I also can't buy any healthy snacks to maybe cut back on the horrifying amount of sugar I consume every day because all the food money goes to pet food and sugary treats. And I get yelled at for asking for less sugar in the house. Told to just eat something else but there is nothing else. I don't know what to do. Lacy makes these watery soups out of whatevers in the fridge to feed us. But I want real food.

I can't stop shaking. I know why I am so goddamn sick. Because I am malnourished, angry, frightened, stressed out to the maximum, and have no recourse. Every complaint is met with gaslighting or being told to take more antidepressants, as though they're some kind of magic happy pills.

I want to check myself into the hospital but I can't afford it. I would have already killed myself but I am not villainous enough to abandon my 85 yr old deaf dad whose had 4 strokes and does all the outside work and whom mom screams and ridicules mercilessly. And my sister who's anxiety is on a hair trigger and whom mom loves to trigger and laugh at her panic.

I need a miracle. I need help. I need someone to fucking shoot me in the face. God kill me please I can't take this anymore please