#this is my first time doing commissions im sorry its so messy

[12leafclover]

I'm doing pixel and voxel commissions for @dcufans4palestine! Check out my tumblr for better quality images.

Donate to any of these options and provide proof of payment for a commission either to this form or dcucommissions4palestine@gmail.com, specifying that you're commissioning me! Reach out to me via this tumblr or my discord (@briantopamine) with any questions.

Crossover art and mecha/armor are accepted. Animals/anthropomorphic are only available for small pixel sprites ("little guys").

Small pixel sprites and 3-D characters have unlimited slots and 1 revision.

3/3 slots available for realistic character commissions (2 revisions).

3/3 slots available for environment/scenery commissions (1 revision).

Transparent background is available for all commissions

[monstrouslyobsessed]

been a minute since i've answered yall asks, sorry about that. been having health issues again. sighs.

tw / tags: monster fucking, snake anatomy, breeding mentions

Do you have any thoughts about slime-like monsters? I personally find monsters with… unstable??? body structure quite interesting cuz of their potential lol. Like, even of they're slow and trembling like jittery jelly, once they have grip on you – you gone, whoops. Struggling r useless, u will only get urself deeper and you can't even do a lot to escape. And bonus points if they're kinda dumb, so by acting silly and goofy they're practically gaslighting lmao —anonymous

i actually have a musing in the work about that one!! its...been in my draft forever...whoops....i'll work on that in just a bit then.

but yes!! theyre also super versatile too! imagine if you have one as a pet...its going to make a pet out of you, oho rip darling.

I wonder how the 6 arms snake god eat. Does he just shallow his prey whole? chew them? Tear them apart then eat them piece by piece? I wonder what is his favorite part of his prey, and his less favorite. I imagine that some times, he eat messy, so reader clean the blood around his mouth with a clean napkin. —anonymous

i actually kinda imagine him opening his mouth like a snake would since he's no longer a human (w a pic below). but in the beginning, when he's still merging with the snake god, he'd probably start tearing his, ah, meals apart, yeah. i actually don't think his transformation was actually completed by the time he started his initial rampage + he wouldn't have any arm when he first started out too.

oh geez i can see him being super clumsy and floppy trying to learn how to move his new body. poor thing.

his mouth would be like this, maybe with bigger fangs tho. that said, i cant find the original source now :( so if any of you know who this may be by, lmk so i can link the artist!!

Hey-hey! Have you read Mieruko-chan by any chance? Maybe it's only me, but i find designs for ghosts from here rlly cool and some chapters can give some pretty cool concepts/ideas.

Gl on ur day! ✨ —anonymous

i actually have been keeping up with it! poor mc, she's trying her best...I'm crushing on the yandere tentacled head lady atm lol

☆ Put this star into the inbox of your favourite blogs. It's time to spread positivity! 💖 — @berrychan03

dawwww <3 thank you!!! i'll be sure to spread them around~!

Your Jaguar Trube story is really good! I like it. Are you going to make the part 2 for it? —anonymous

im actually kinda stumped on how to continue this one mainly because of the breeding kink being the primary focus and the reader initially being gn. i feel iffy doing this to my fellow gn readers as well, as i don't wish to exclude them and i don't think im that good of a writer to pull off a gn smut.

i could just do two versions tbh because its a little different between if the reader is afab and if they're amab.

if afab, theyre actually kinda in for some bad time because there's so many males around, possibly around 30 to even 50, and there's a lot of dp to go around because they're sharing them.

if amab, there's not many females around at all, maybe around 4 young adult ones (with the rest being old ladies), though that's not to say the males wouldn't touch them because they def would though lol but i kinda imagined that being amab they wouldn't be in too high of demand and would be given breaks. plus, they don't have to worry about getting pregnant.

i'll take feedback regarding this matter though, so lmk your thoughts on how i should proceed!

anyhoo, gonna try and work on couple overdue commissions i got, but in the meanwhile, feel free to send in whatever (that is currently open lol) love ya bunches!

[yostresswritinggirl]

@butterfly-mochi​ Rewrote this freaking thing thrice because it keeps getting deleted wth tumblr agjvahkfajkvk- I enjoyed writing it a lot tho and since I’m too weak to the characters I ended up writing for all of them (except for Sucrose, im sorry bb huhu, I ran out of brain power). This is my first time writing for so many of them in one go so please excuse me for any mistakes or blandness ywy thank you for letting me write for my baby Ganyu too hhhhh

Universe Reversal 2

Genshin Impact Character Reader and Modern Players with Zhongli, Childe & Ganyu (how they simp for you) (event masterlist / Part 1 / Part 3)

Zhongli the F2P

The most relatable out of the bunch because this man is still broke and can only rely on the primogems he can farm. And he had a LOT. The one thing he doesn’t have a lot on, however, is his luck.

So how did he manage to pull you?: Well after exhausting all his primogem on your banner with nothing but weapons and other characters, he has lost his resolve. But by some weird luck, there was a character bug that was fixed and in his email was the almighty consolation primogem. Enough for ONE pull. And by the Gods he FINALLY got you.

He’d nonchalantly post his screenshot of pulling you using a single acquaint fate in his friend group without any words and everyone else just loses their shit. “You got them in one pull?!” “Yeah” A riot.

This was partnered with the fact that not only is Zhongli an F2P player, but also barely has any five star characters.

He looks calm and apathetic over the news, but behind the screen he’s exhausted and relieved, silently livid.

He has no primogems left to squeeze for a constellation so you’re instead pampered with the best weapon suitable for you (because that’s all he keeps getting).

Zhongles spends most of his time farming for materials to quickly level you up, unlocking all your stories and voiceline, but he fucked up on your build (his artifacts are messy).

He follows communities, forums and videos regarding your character to know all the things he needs to perfect your build. You can barely make a dent against normal mobs, so he knew he was doing something VERY wrong.

Is the type of person to keep refreshing the page for new content, very updated.

Ask him a question about your character and he’s gonna bring you the word vomit that is his research. He’s not gonna stop- probably accidentally developed a copypasta for you.

Also follows your VA in both Tiktok and Twitter to indulge in every bit of content. He also has that screenshot of his pull saved and locked.

On his birthday, a friend of his gifted him a chibi plushie of you and he has treasured it ever since, treating and handling it like its a figurine.

“It is merely pure luck and grace from the gacha gods that I got this character, and I will make sure that they know I am very grateful for this fortune.”

Favorite Voiceline: Birthday Message

Childe The Whaler

This lucky wealthy bastard with no remorse for his money whales for EVERY character. He’s making a collection, which is to get all the characters, especially the five stars. So when your banner finally popped up, he’s gonna square up and trigger a whole ass meteor shower.

How he pulled you: Money. His luck with this games are actually not the best so he always compensates with money, he got you halfway through the first failed pity, almost giving him a heart attack that he might actually break the bank just to get you.

And then he pulls more to raise your constellation lol.

The first thing he does is look over your character info and read through it all; constellation infos, your base stats, artifact compatibility.

At the end when he’s maximized everything, he would then focus on playing around with your character *coughs climbing noises coughs*

He thought you’d just be another part of his collection but playing with your character was very enjoyable and in-line with his playstyle- oops 100 screenshots with the Kamera-

Any and all merchandise that he fancies would be his, and he’s definitely flexing it to the other sweetie nerds who call themselves simps. He’s fighting for the simping title, and he’s currently neck and neck with this fanartist in Pixiv.

Speaking of that fanartist, he definitely commissioned an expensive and detailed portrait of you, full rights and everything. No one else was allowed to use it but him.

Was also the first one with the audacity to call out your VA to create an account on Tiktok to create more content with your voice. He was successful.

His obssession also comes in the form of self-indulgent contents, and had been keeping track of the ship wars happening. During conventions, he cosplays as the character shipped with you the most (or the character he thinks should end up with you).

Silently scrutinizing those who cosplay you, only ever taking pictures with/of the best looking one, sorry haha

Definitely flaunts that you are his waifu/husbando and will fight for best girl/best boy during debates or polls. Has mobilized the community to vote for you once. He’s very persuasive.

“Hm? Why I’m just the best collector in the game, and I am more than happy to let everyone know that I am their number one fan haha, everyone who claims otherwise is definitely wrong!”

Favorite Voiceline: More About (Y/N) I-IV, (Y/N)’s Hobbies...

Ganyu the Employed

Ganyu, our dearest overworker, is one of the players in the older stage who actually has a job but still plays Genshin for their past times. The gorgeous sceneries and the music is her main focus in playing the game, not much of a try-hard but still decent in the combat mechanics.

How she pulled you: You came home within 50 pulls! And you appeared again after another 10 pull! Ganyu was so SHOOKT and so distressed because oh goodness, what does she do? She doesn’t know anything much about you!

Will rewatch your three trailers to try and understand your skills better, ended up saving the soundtracks from them because that was such a nice trailer music! Tnbee gains a new follower!

Ganyu will take a while before she can properly play or build you up because she’s so busy with work, she only ever plays when she feels fully done with her work.

During her break she plays with your character while multi-tasking on eating, earphones plugged in and sight on the phone as she farms materials and artifacts for you.

The moment she gets more help from her player friends tho, holy shit, you just ended up being so OP. She had so many good artifacts and weapons for you because she didn’t know what they were for before.

She loves how you’re so easy to use and can easily solo the enemies and even the boss fights. A huge breather, because now Ganyu can cheese the battles that takes a while, to give her more time to focus on the storyline and lores.

Since Ganyu plays for the story and aesthetic, she’ll find you almost always in her team. Still very proud of her pull, she makes the best screenshots of your fights or in the best angle through exploration.

Treasures you so much she starts talking to her phone- “Ah, no, please don’t fall.” “There’s violetgrass up there, let’s try and get it”

Blushes everytime you produce a sound when climbing, doesn’t change you anyways tho

Hums to your trailer music while working, and if permitted, would have the song on repeat while she buries herself in work. She finds it really refreshing and the time she spends in work miraculously flies by fast when she gets lost in the sound.

At one point, when she was given a day-off or if the convention was on her free time, she attends to look for cosplayers of you and take a picture. No one rejects her because she’s so adorable and cute when asking shyly.

Had brought a decent amount of merchandise, preferably the functional/practical ones like a phone cover, mug or keychain. Also has an earphones clamp with your little chibi self as the holder.

When asked, she would shyly announce that she likes your character the most.

“Their character theme and music really soothes me during work, it feels nice to have them, and I have not once regretted ever pulling for them. They are the best.”

Favorite Voicelines: Good Night/Afternoon..., About Us, Something To Share..., Interesting Things...

so enjoyable...

@moaa @zelos-simp @legionqueensav @dandelion-dreams @snackgod @rxsalinee

[ratboysims]

anonymous said: im so excited to see your rose generation gameplay i’m currently in the middle of it and it’s such a mess → my heir is currently a teen in game and it’s ALREADY so messy and so much to keep track of, i kinda love it though!! i hope you guys like it as much as i do!

anonymous said: I really love the gameplay posts, they’re not boring at all!! pls keep posting them (if you want to ofc almsnsjd) → ok good, thank you all so much for dealing with my insecure ass :,) my queue is filled until the end of february now, so you wouldn’t be getting rid of the nsb posts soon anyway lol.

anonymous said: Hi, I have the same reshade as you however my game doesn’t look as bright as yours. Have you changed any of the settings? → i get questions like this a lot, which is weird because i literally use the reshade just as it is! i guess make sure you have the right reshade version and not an earlier/later one? and play around with the colors and brightness of your in-game lights, i do that a lot!

anonymous said: hi! do you still do commissions for poses? → hi, right now commissions are not open!! i would LOVE to do them again someday, but i realized it’s really not good for my mental health last time. the thought of someone paying for my poses and then waiting for them and the possibility of them not being happy with them had me literally breaking out in hives lol. maybe when i’m in a better place i’ll try again!!

anonymous said: Hello. Wanna say many thanx about your works they are really wounderful. My question is about your save file rat save, do you have any new ? → not yet! i’m working on editing/replacing some older builds i wasn’t happy with and adding new ones, so maybe in a month or two i’ll post an updated download.

anonymous said: finally, *finally* someone gets it. I hate the overly realistic style. the stringy hair looks like shit. let them be stylized. like there's one thing going for some realism in the facial features that's nice too! but I'm also the person that thinks that looks really nice combined with the "clay" look of TS4. →i love this alpha slander in my inbox, all my homies hate alpha hair

anonymous said: hi there! just downloaded your ratsave and am so excited, but wanted to let you know your SFS link seems to be broken? I was able to download it with dropbox though! just thought I'd let you know :) → hey! it seems to work for me, but i do know simfileshare has had a ton of issues lately which is why i started linking to dropbox too in the first place!

anonymous said: hello i am in Love with your currently gameplay. everyone is just so 🥺🥺🥺 and i have to take a second every time you update w gameplay bc its just so Good. sorry for the gush,,,,, → this is so nice thank you so much!! i’m so glad you’re enjoying :)

anonymous said: knowing youre a month ahead playing makes me nervous → it dead assed makes me nervous too, i used to not be able to use queue and would just post whenever i felt like it but i decided to take the backseat on this one and it feels weird............

anonymous said: You have a cat boy WOL?? Omg me too! And yours is so pretty! It took me forever to get enough wolf marks to get that hair lol → yes!! come off anon and talk to me about ff, if you play on the crystal data center you’re invited to my house for some free materia and healer queues.

anonymous said: Is silas' hair custom? its so nice!! → it’s the ‘styled for hire’ hair, you get it from wolf marks earned in PvP!! took me forever to get, but was really worth it. 

anonymous said: yu shld really go into interior design, like you could really help boring ass bitches have a nice ass home → i think i actually would love doing interior design... only issue is i SUCK at like floor plans and furniture, i just like decorating lol.

anonymous said: Weird question, could I possibly gift you a stuff pack? I just love your builds so much, and thought this may be a neat way to give thanks ! → this is SO SWEET, but honestly i can get the stuffpacks if i really want them so i’d feel bad :,)

anonymous said: are ur star skins ww compatible? → NO idea, if someone reading this uses WW please let us know!

anonymous said: could post mindy's house on the gallery, i think its so pretty :3 → it kinda already is! i don’t think i’ll post her exact house, but it’s just a refurnished version of the ‘granda place’ build from here!

anonymous said: hello!! i just wanted to say that i think you are one of the nicest people in this community. that’s all <3 → you’re one of the nicest anons!!

anonymous said: hey I just wanted to pop in and say that uh your sims are gorge, builds are top-tier immaculate, and the vibes you give off are pretty groovy :) (hopefully I did this right, never asked anyone before-) → you did this absolutely right thank you so much! :,) i love getting told my vibes are groovy, that makes me happy lol.

[ferrethyun]

for your consideration using my m/n hcs,,,but different au,,,poly bts × m/n who really needs that cash money to buy art supplies (even though he should buy groceries) to continue commissions to make money but he needs it bad 👀 so he makes a suga(r) bby acc but got stressed out abt it in 15 mins bc ppl started liking his profile so he deleted it but forgot he downloaded an app to mssg these sugar daddies and mommys so he texts "hello" but uninstalls the app (1/2)

(2/2) but gets an email notif saying "you have x new messages on xyz" and he's like "are you there god, its me, its been a while" and re installs the app only to find replies and he yeets his phone across the room and now he's been texting the boys for 5 days straight deep and 😳😔😖🤧 this is so specific and accidently long im sorry tea but im really going thru it rn 😞

hehehehhehehe,,,, i started and idk where i was going with it but i did it uwuwuwuuwuw. also,,,, aren’t we all nonny owo’’’

Pairing: Implied!Sugardaddies!Poly!Bts x M!Sugarbaby!Reader

The nearly depleted art supplies that sat on his messy desk seemed to mock Y/n as he stared at the several junk emails that were of a similar subject line

“OverAllSeeking: xxxx has liked your profile!”

The app he downloaded was deleted a half hour ago but the emails kept popping up as he hadn’t deleted his account. The account was a sugar babying account, Y/n really needed the money as his supplies were dwindling and his commissions were just not covering it this time. His dual coloured eyes glared at the screen before a click sounded through the room, telling him that he had locked his phone. His mind raced and raced as he thought of what he could do, jobs were too mentally stimulating most of the time and none of the galleries that he was comfortable at were hiring.

Y/n let out a groan as he slid his hands under the sunglasses he wore to rub at his eyes. They were so sore. So were his wrists and his head but he had learnt to cope with it. The male got up from where he sat, placing his phone in his pocket and moved over to the two wide windows that spanned across the walls of his room, his long-line hoodie shifting to cover his hands as he walked. Y/n covered the windows with the specially ordered blackout curtains he ordered and was plummeted into darkness. He then shut his door and hit play on his speaker that sat on a table near the door; gentle melodies of pianos and violins filled his ears and soft pastel pinks and blues flooded his vision, a white dashing in and out as a harp came into the music steadily. 

The male simply stood there in the middle of his room and let the colours and sounds float by as his hands drifted over each of his tattoos on his arms. Y/n needed times like this to calm down, not that his condition helped calm him down. His heart raced as the song changed over to a instrumental of a song called ‘Serendipity’, he became flush and felt a lightness in his head he had become accustom to through the several times he had listened to the song. The slamming of a door caused a harsh red to flash across his vision and made Y/n stumble back into the door behind him, making more reds fly across his vision as he hit the door and then fell to the floor. 

A small voice could be heard swearing down the hallway but Y/n couldn’t hear it as the tears began to flood down his face, all of the realities he had come crashing down at once. A small sob ripped from his chest as he curled himself into a ball, the voice that was once small now on the other side of the door behind him “I’m sorry Y/n I didn’t think you were home” The voice plead through the wood, “I’ll wait for you to calm down and we can play Animal crossing yeah? I also got your favourite for dinner...”

Y/n let the back of his head hit the door, utilising the one knock is yes and two is no system they put in place a while ago. He listened to his housemates foot steps disappear down the hall, his tears slowing significantly. The darkness of the room was comforting but the dull buzz of his phone in his pocket lessening the comfort; he pulled his phone out of his pocket only to be greeted with an email notification. 

‘OverAllSeeking: You have 3 new messages from...’ 

The notification trailed off before Y/n could see who had sent him the messages. It was from the app he had deleted a few hours ago. He didn’t really want to re download the app but the curiosity that pulled at his chest dragged his fingers over his phone in rapid succession, the app now reinstalled. Y/n sat back and watched as his fingers navigated through the app to his messages. There at the top sat a profile with a small tick and ‘V’ logo next to their icon.

These logos had his skin crawling, the tick meant they were verified by the app, a process only limited to the richest of rich members to the site; next to it was a bright red ‘V’, this logo meaning that they were classed as vips, part of the top 1% on the app. What was even more interesting about the account was that their icon featured several men, not just one. ‘Possibly several on one account’ Y/n thought to himself.

Before he could stop himself, his fingers were flying across his screen typing a response to the messages he had barely read, choosing to simply ask if they were still there even though the message was only a couple hours old. Once he hit send, he then proceeded to throw his phone in a random direction knowing it’d land on his bed.

Out of pure embarrassment, Y/n quickly stood, pulled the turtle neck he wore under his hoodie over his lower face and sprinted out of his room.

Hours later, Y/n returned to his room with some help from his housemate considering it was pitch black out and his head was still racing. He took off his sunglasses and peeled his clothing from his body, choosing to put on some grey sweatpants that were covered in dried paint before hopping into bed. It threw him off at first when his hip hit something hard before he remembered chucking his phone on to the bed earlier. He rapidly patted around his hip before his hand landed on his phone, quickly pulling it up to his face after lowering the brightness back down.

There on his screen sat a few notifications, some from twitter and instagram; but more importantly, one from the OverAllSeeking app. With quick navigation, Y/n made his way to the app and could feel his face cracking with a blush. There sat a reply from the account from earlier letting him know all about the account they ran and that all seven- Seven- members were interested in him as he looked interesting and cute. 

He couldn’t stop himself from overheating as he typed out a response. And that was it; this is what began the 5 day long non-stop conversation between him and all seven members. He had told them that he was struggling with finding money for his art supplies to do commissions and that’s when Taehyung, who had told Y/n he was an art curator, interrupted the conversation he was having saying that he would send over 1000 there and then to help him with the supplies. Y/n did say that it was fine but apparently Taehyung only wanted his baby to get the highest quality materials.

Y/n couldn’t lie, it felt nice to have someone just drop money to spend on him so suddenly, so if there were seven of them...

Maybe he really was made to be a sugar baby?

[ji-yaaan]

That anon saying things about this being an art blog like???? writing is also a form of art????

True😔😔😔- not really sure with others tho... My blog is messy af but I'm not really good with managing multiple accounts😔😔 So ig I'll just stick to this messy style, got kinda fond of it for some weird reason lol-

But to all the other people out there, On a serious note your blog is YOUR BLOG and you're free to do whatever you want with it.

Warning!!!! Mindless ranting⬇️

Unless you get commissioned and payed that crispy dollars, you're not required to to listen to every single demand out there. Of course you should listen to your followers too... but there is a limit; a thin line one shouldn't cross boundaries with.

There is a difference with constructive criticisms and straight up pointless bashing.👏👏👏👏👏

There is a difference with requests and entitled demands.👏👏👏👏

There is a difference for pointing out things for improvement and straight up insults.👏👏👏👏

In short: unless you earn coins from the things you do, you're not required to follow every demand in the book. There is this thing called "Respect" and I am a firm believer of the saying "Respect begets Respect".

No need to be rude, trust me, it won't do anything good....

If you don't like a certain aspect of a creator's work, dms exist for a reason, pls don't sleep on those, they exists ya know?

Trust me, I know many Creators out there that are open for improvement. No need to publicly call em out or slide into their inbox.

Ok idk why i did this rant at 12 am but my mind is sloppy now y'know? 😔😔😔

Also, on a side note: I really appreciate all the people that supported me in this 3months of me being on tumblr! It's my first time interacting with a fandom and I didn't expect I'd get dragged in this twst hellhole. I met a lot of lovely people I consider as family and you know who you are! I got so attached in a short amount of time and it's amazing to know that!😳👉👈

I originally started this blog to make friends, but its still has that purpose! If you like, I'm more than willing to talk anytime! just hmu and let's talk! about our love for malleus' horns.🤡🤡🤡

E w why did I rant so much? I'M SO SORRY FOR THIS WHOLEASS RANT OMG IM SORRY-

[dwightkschrute]

In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.

2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.

I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)

February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)

April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)

Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)

In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so  sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.  (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)

August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)

When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)

October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)

November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)

In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)

Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)

Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go. 

So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!

[herohawks]

Five times Connor is forced to call Hank “dad”. They both suffer.

A/N: short little snippets im writing while my wrist is out of commission. dont know if im going to post them to ao3 since  kinda crack-ish lmao. feel free to send me prompts.

---

PART 1

“Remind me again why we agreed to this shit?”

Connor hefts a box onto his shoulder and balances another on his hip. Hank is struggling to carry one. The bottom of the cardboard is not taped adequately to withstand the current weight. Hank had been the one to tape this particular box, but Connor thinks it best not to point this out.

“We agreed to take the case because we are one of the few within the DPD who specialize in android-human crime. And, as Captain Fowler pointed out, our particular skill sets will allow us to infiltrate this group much easier than our other coworkers,” Connor says as he leads the way to the front door of their new home.

Hank snorts, uneven steps following not far behind. “Skill sets. Yeah. That what they’re calling it these days?”

“That’s what the captain called it, yes.” Connor deftly switches the box on his hip to his knee, balancing it between his leg and the wall so he can fish out the house key the captain had entrusted to him.

The key latches in easily and Connor swings the door open with little fanfare. He allows Hank to go first under the guise of trying to get a better grip on the box he’s currently holding over his knee. The structural integrity of Hank’s box is nearly at its limit.

“Well,” Hank huffs, dropping the box onto the living room floor with a muffled thump. Connor sets his down much more gently. “Jeffrey has always been too nice for his own good, so I’m gonna set it to you straight. You look like a goddamned twink and Jeffrey thinks your scrawny ass will fit in real well with these other skinny, starving college kids. I’m here to make sure you don’t screw it up.”

Connor looks to the ceiling and sighs. It’s a mannerism he’s picked up from Detective Reed that he quite likes. It accurately and efficiently sums up what he wishes to convey with little effort on his part.

“I am not ‘scrawny’,” Connor says, a tad defensive. “Second, the term ‘twink’ is widely outdated and carries negative conn—“

“Connor. Do me a favor and shut the fuck up.” Hank stretches his back, then groans loudly when it pops. “Jesus, I’m too old for this shit.”

“You only carried one box,” Connor points out helpfully, twirling the key ring on his finger for lack of anything better to do with his hands. He itches to go bring in the other nine boxes stacked in Hank’s car.

Hank rolls his eyes so hard Connor is briefly worried that they’ll fall out their sockets. “Jesus Christ. Just – go get the other boxes, would ya?”

Connor does, and makes good time. Hank grumbles while unpacking the boxes, throwing things in a haphazard manner that must have some sort of logic to it, though it’s not one that Connor can decipher at a glance.

With Hank’s back turned to him, Connor takes the chance to run a quick scan. The lieutenant’s blood sugar is low, and Connor detects a minor muscle strain in his lower back from poor posture and lack of adequate hydration.

They still need to go grocery shopping, but Connor had packed a few granola bars and water bottles just in case. He digs them out of one of the boxes and kneels down beside Hank to hand them over. “You need to eat, Lieutenant.”

“Thanks,” he says gruffly, snatching the water and energy bar from Connor. He sets it aside so Connor leaves him be and goes to unpack the other boxes.

They settle into an easy rhythm. An hour later, Connor hears the telltale crinkle of the protein bar being unwrapped and wisely says nothing when Hank’s mood significantly improves from that point after.

What probably felt like an eternity for Hank but was in actuality three hours and thirty-two minutes, they’re finally finished settling in. Connor is pleased to note everything is where it needs to be when he does a cursory scan of the rooms. Despite Hank’s grumbling, they make a great team.

“Great work, Lieutenant,” Connor says as he comes back into the living room where Hank is currently lounging on the couch. “It seems like everything is in order.”

Hank scoffs. “Don’t act so surprised.” A pause. “And it’s not ‘Lieutenant’ right now. Don’t blow our cover.”

“You’re right. Sorry, Dad.” The moment the sentence leaves his vocal unit, a heavy silence stretches between them. Connor has a peculiar urge to exit the room and not return for maybe forever.

“Okay. That was fucking weird,” Hank says finally, breaking the tense hush that had fallen over the room. He runs a hand over his beard, eyes flicking around but never settling on one thing for long.

Connor feels some of the tenseness in his shoulders melt away at the implication that Hank, too, may be feeling some measure of awkwardness. “I agree.”

“Shit. We need to get our shit together before we’re seen in public.”

“It’ll take some getting used to,” Connor admits, and runs a finger along the outer seam of his jeans. They’re not as comfortable nor as flexible as the pants CyberLife had issued him, but it’s currently the style preference of many young adults, and Connor has to blend in. He still misses his own pants, though.

“Want to go grab a bite and forget this ever happened?” Hank asks as he pulls himself up from the couch with a grunt.

Connor does. “Yes. I would like that.”

Hank makes a valiant effort to throw his crumpled wrapper into the small waste bin set along the floor separating the kitchen and living room. He misses. Connor quietly goes over and places the wrapper in the bin.

“Thanks. Hey, don’t forget your glasses,” Hank says and Connor can’t help but wrinkle his nose. Hank laughs. “What, not a fan?”

“You know I’m not,” Connor says, a little cross. Nevertheless, he unhooks it from his shirt and puts them on. They constantly slip down the bridge of his nose. “It’s impractical.”

Hank does not care about his suffering. “It’s your disguise so quit complaining. You’re not the only one who had to make some changes.”

The lieutenant scruffs a self-conscious hand over his freshly cut hair. It’s shorn short with the top a little longer – it looks good, Connor thinks. Makes him appear younger and highlighting the blues of his eyes.

Connor’s glasses, on the other hand, do not look good. They’re clunky and annoying, and Connor thinks they sit awkwardly on his face. The urge to snap them in half is strong.

“They look fine,” Hank says with the tone of someone who’s said this many, many times, which he has. Connor does not believe him any of those times. “Hurry up. I’m starving.”

“Fine.” Connor is getting better at expressing his displeasure through his tone, but Hank tends to ignore this new development as he does with anything he finds inconvenient.

They decide to walk. More accurately, Connor decides that if they’re going to order something unhealthy, they can, at the very least, walk there. Hank is not pleased. Connor doesn’t care.

  A mile and a half later, a small lot with a few food trucks parked in a messy half-circle comes into view. Hank makes a beeline for the hotdog truck so Connor trails behind him. Hank orders a hotdog with only one topping at Connor’s insistence, and Connor buys a small vanilla milkshake to maintain appearances.

  The lot is very crowded, but they manage to snag a table near the sidewalk and away from most of the congested foot-traffic. There’s a light drizzle so Connor pops open the umbrella attached to the table. The atmosphere reminds him of their meeting at the Chicken Feed all those months ago, when Hank had been skeptical and Connor had been apologetic and insistent.

  That had been one of their first, positive conversations. It’s a fond memory, one that Connor keeps tucked away in his memory files for safekeeping.

  “So,” Hank says, snapping Connor out of his musings. “Excited about your first day of school tomorrow?” Hank is grinning so Connor levels him with an unimpressed look. “What? A father can’t have a healthy interest in his son’s education?”

  Connor sets his plastic cup down firmly. “No.”

  “Don’t be like that,” Hank laughs and Connor shakes his head, rubbing his fingers along his temple in a gesture he’s seen Hank do many times.

  His fingers stutter over the place where his LED used to be, the synthetic skin smooth to the touch. He feels oddly naked without it. Vulnerable. He wouldn’t mind the glasses half as much if he could just have his LED back.

  Something must show on his face because Hank’s smile fades a few seconds later, replaced with a worried expression. “Hey, kid. You alright?”

  “Fine,” Connor says a touch too quickly. Hank’s eyebrows shoot up, clearly unconvinced. He runs a finger one more time over his temple before placing it back on the table. “Nervous, maybe.”

  “Hmm. About school?” The way he says it implies he is talking about something else. Connor believes he is inquiring about their current undercover case, so he nods. “Don’t sweat it. You’ll be fine. You’re smart, and a fast learner. You’ll fit right in.”

  Connor has his doubts. While he’s done extensive research into the university as well as updating his human integration program to include the most recent pop culture and dialect, Connor can’t help the uneasiness that settles in the pit of his stomach. Maybe Hank is right. Perhaps this is beyond their capabilities.

  Connor keeps silent and pretends to sip his milkshake.

College is…an experience.

Connor takes the automated bus despite Hank’s insistence he drive him there. The walkways are constantly flooded with harried students and Connor finds himself having to fight the crowd more often than not.

He observes that many of his peers carry some type of overly-caffeinated beverage on them at all times (there had been a memorable moment when Connor’s sensors had picked up vodka disguised as water in someone’s water bottle, but he’d kept the information to himself). After this observation, Connor stopped by the local coffee shop on campus to purchase a small, black coffee. It reminds him of Hank.

His classes had been fairly boring, but Connor supposes that is to be expected. Hank had told him university was probably going to be uninteresting to an android that could calculate over a thousand possible scenarios in two seconds. Connor had promptly told him it actually takes him an average of 0.53 seconds to compute those scenarios, which had resulted in Hank scuffing him across the head.

Connor, despite his reservations, slots into college life seamlessly. Finding the group responsible for the android hate crimes disguised as hazing is almost too simple. They arrest the group three months later once he’s obtained the proper amount of evidence, plus some. Connor wishes they’d at least make it a challenge.

Overall, a success.

“Good job on your first undercover op,” Hank says over dinner.

Here, Connor doesn’t have to pretend to eat. He hadn’t realized how exhausting it is to pretend to be human. His LED is firmly reinstalled, and Connor brings his fingers up to brush it periodically, the familiar ridges soothing.

Sumo lies by their feet, tail thumping happily every time Connor or Hank looks his way. The Saint Bernard had missed them dearly in their four months apart.

“Thank you.” Connor is pleased with the results. His whole body feels warm, but jittery at the same time, like he has excess energy that can’t be contained. He bounces his leg, he twiddles his fingers, and shifts his posture every few seconds. “I’m glad we were able to bring them to justice.”

“Nah,” Hank says after swallowing a bite of his vegetarian stir-fry (Connor’s making, of course). “You’re just happy you don’t have to wear those dorky glasses anymore.”

“So you agree, then. That they looked bad.” Connor feels betrayed. Hank had told him they’d looked fine. Hank is a filthy liar.

Hank snorts and shovels more food into his mouth before replying. “What’d you do with them anyway?” Avoiding Connor’s sort-of question.

Connor rolls his shoulders in a self-satisfied way, and shoots Hank a sly grin. “On the record, I disposed of them in the appropriate recycling bin. Off the record, they may have ended up in a bonfire at the last party I attended as a college student.”

Hank barks a laugh and slaps the table. Connor smiles, too. “Shit,” Hank says, wiping his eyes. “You make me proud, kid.”

“Thank you.”

“Tell ya what, though. Having you call me ‘dad’ for four months was probably the most awkward four months of my life. As long as we don’t gotta do that shit again, I can die happy,” Hank says, taking a sip of his water.

Connor nods. “Agreed.”

[tipsyexplorer]

2.18.21

maybe it’s time to get back on here

to just post long form free flow thoughts. 

you think you were over something, maybe have forgiven someone about it but then you read the post again and a flood of memories just come back. like exactly how you feel and you don’t feel okay. you’re hurt by what you read bc you know what’s how they still feel about you. that’s how they still see you. 

it stinks not to get recognized by all the work that you have done for them. for that one particular person and how much you have sacrificed for them. how you’re scared to really show them who you are or share things with them. just like little comments really doesn’t want me to help them or like makes me more willing to share things with them. and idk it just hurt. i just feel so hurt right now.

why is my first comment or train of thought to just end it. it’ll be so much easier, my ife would be better. I dont rely on anyone right now anyway, I don’t go to them for support I have friends to do that with so really why am i keepingthem around. bc i feel bad that they dont have anything? i htink that’s why....and like i already feel like i do so much that i just can’t also do the emotional part of it all. it just all feels so overwhelming like why do i need to provide for the financial and the emotional part now and like okay you were depressed but you didnt get any help and then your response is you dont have money 

well you apparenlty have burger money. and like delivery money. but you cant find a sliding scale therapy like. idk just shifted priorities and you just think a magic gadget or whatever new thing would fix it or whateber. i havent seen you take one picture with your camera that you got or the other one that you got like it doesnt make you better i can probably make better things take better phtos with a polaroid you just got to go and do it and not just blame you dont have the best material. like its just so...sad to me like thats just what you resort to. and maybe i can be more supportive but at the same time i just feel so supportive already like how is this even possible to be like this. 

and i guess i know that about myself like i think i’m over something but then i read it all over again and it hurts i think it hurts bc its not true. its not true and like i guess i personally know its not true but he just sees me being online as like...self obsessed. do you see how little i take selfies now how little i take pictures of food and how little i am on social media how little i post or do things that i like. liek it has drastically changed. 

and now im tearing up bc of material things?? like this isnt me but i guess its more tearing up that it doesnt seem like he really thinks about me or tries to do things. he says he wants to go on trips he wants to do things oay then plan them??? and its always you dont have money thats like the literal excuse okay then plan things that dont cost money??? i always have said that but tthen you get overwhelemd and then get sad we dont do anything like bro im so tired of planning things im tired of planing on what to cook what to do like its just so annoying land its so frustrating bc i dont speak up

i get it i should speak up and say somethig if its really bothering me and its not fair to them taht they dont know but also how can they not know??? like i’m just so confused. idk if they even know how much money they technically owe me not even counting the portion where you didnt pay but also just the portion where you agreed to pay and didnt like. ugh 

i dont understand. i can be so great and i am so great. i am so great and giving and creative. i am not shy and want to share things with people i want to be able to not be scared to say something and to speak up on stuff. but it just feels like walking on egg shells and not know what to do. maybe its my period and maybe i’m emotional right now. 

i just gotta focus on myself. keep doing things for myself nad grow. i dont want to be stuck like this i dont want to be bogged down. i want to be able to just do as much of something that i like and thats just so hard. i

why am i so concnered with your jealosy and your sadness it like really effects me. i mean we have been stuck together inside for so long and i am tired of it too. but i need to save money bc the cost of living has gone up and i have less pay. and i realy should price my things up and like have commissions on the side. i know i should do this i know i can do this. i just...

maybe this is where i should post what i want from a partner. i want someone who doesnt make me feel bad. doesnt make me feel about wanting things about really getting into something and like really enjoy something soeone who sees all of the work that i put into something. it almost feels like i should have failed or something but like if you knew me you would know how much work i really put into something like it shoudl be obvious but it always just seems to be written off 

i want someone who i can depend on and that also means financially i want osmeone who has a plan who has a plan and an idea and drive i want someone who is working on themselves and who sees that they might not be there but can be there. i want someone who is confidnet i want someone who is confidentn in thsemvels and will take care of things. i want someone who will split the respnosibilities evenly with me to make things porportionally fair . 

i want someone who i am comfortable with someone who i am comfortable around someone who will try to udnerstand me someone who isnt so quick to judge isnt so quick to be defensive i’m just trying to dot he best someone who isnt so down on thesmevles and if they are in a rut then they realize that and they do something about it. like you cant expect change by doing the same thing like thats just not smart 

i want smeoen to match my ambission and to match my drive it can be about whatever it is but like ... do something. i want someone who is more established in their field in something i want them to be able to say they set their mind to something and make it happen. and maybe i’m just clinging on so long bc i do feel sorry i feel so bad i know the situation and it will be so messy and for some reason right now its just eaier to just not do antyhing

i hear what i am saying too like doing the same things to expect something differnt is also dum and i fall under there too like its so clear to see a pattern and yet i just dont have the brave face to do something about it and that slike hat i’m preaching right like this is something i really should get into 

jealousy just doesnt really sit right with me. it just never did . it makes it seem so petty and so bad like that is something i do not look forward to. i want someone who is kind and compassionate i want someone who has good reationships with anyone . like ifamily friends anyone. like i seem to always choose people who dont have a strong cirlce or support group so then i just attract that energy or something and idk i wouldnt say i have a lot of close friends but i know they are solid and good and can go to them for help i mean yea. 

and maybe that someone is out there for me maybe that someone is here right now but at this state ithat oeron isnt it i mean this is crayz im tawhing my hands type right now iand they at go so fast its so mezmerizing to see it tpe but then when i look at them too long then i am lik oh wah idk how to type anymore LOL anywa that person is there for me i just tgot to find them. i got to find that either eslwhere or wit th person i have right now.