#this is me reining myself in tbh

[skhardwarevers1]

tbh I think my top (kinda shitty) coping mechanism is just posting here

[lavenoon]

Specialty as a fanfic writer, let's go!

(Here I am taking that post very literally, so I'm gonna choose a specialty that is relevant specifically to it being fanfic, because I think it's an interesting way to think about it instead of just general writing, and I hope to explain myself well kfdjhgskñjgh)

I am assigning you "never forgets the fun! "

(And here I'll say, I really need to learn from your example on this one fjkhgkjsh)

Because Luce, literally following what you come up with is so much fun!

And that's what fanfic is! Fun! A hobby! Something that can be frustrating at times, but also is supposed to make us happy! And I just love that about what you make, because it's so clear how much you enjoy it. And just for the sake of clarity, you are an awesome writer! These are not mutually exclusive, of course, and in fact I think these aspects work so well together for what you do! You have so much fun creating your story, you know your characters so well, that placing them in a dozen variations of the same premise is absolutely no problem and I would (and have) read each and every one of them! You care so much about the connections between characters and the themes you explore and you have a blast while doing it too! And I have a blast witnessing it!

When someone makes an offhand comment and you suddenly go "Oh?", I just can perceive the little lightbulb turning on above your head and I just know we are in for a treat! Because what you make is just so genuine and heartfelt that the enthusiasm is just contagious! All the things you explore, be it by drabbles, or multi-chapter arcs, or your comics (comics are literature too and no one can change my mind on that XD), and the way you just opened a gate for other people to have fun with your AU too, it's just all so wonderful! The possibilities are endless and they're all there waiting for you to choose which ones inspire you the most!

What you make just represents the spirit of fanfic so terrifically and I am all for it, all day every day!

(and... if I'm being a little sappy for a moment here, I've always been just a bit too selfconscious about truly indulging and having fun so freely and trying stuff like this at all and I have some trouble coming out of my shell sometimes, so following along with AU and all the discord shenanigans has just made me feel the tiniest bit better about joining in on the fun, so you get a very heartfelt thank you from me for that <3)

I was gonna say the post said "on anon" but yknow, if you had sent this in on anon that would not have been anonymous anyway GFHDJS <3 That being said...

I'm blaming the fact that it's early but I really am just a little weepy and it took me like three times of reading to finally formulate some thoughts but most of them are just blubbering and or happy keysmash

Wanted to say that I just can't not explore things - but I realize I could. But where would be the fun in that? Fun has me in a chokehold and I'm never even considering not to indulge!

It makes things hard to follow and I'm self-conscious about that at times, which may make the weepiness partly out of relief/ reassurance. Always happy to hear that it's fun to follow along wherever my adhd brain takes me, and it is fun to explore - I love doing it!

I write fanfic for my fanfic, and apart from those bouts of "oh god no one's gonna be able to follow this mess of an AU" I'm so so happy to do it! There are so many different ways things could have gone, and I'm a huge sucker for the "soulmates in the 'in every universe, I'd choose you' way" trope - they choose each other, again and again and no matter how they meet, it turns out okay! Even the (discord exclusive (so far) because I wasn't confident enough to post Glamrock stuff before) version of AU where Robin works for Abra Fez with the Glamrocks - they still get to have fun with their boys! There's a happy ending! (and lots of shenanigans on the way gfhdsj)

The dynamics change and that's a lot of fun, and yeah I really just. Have to agree with your judgement - except I think fun would never let me dare forget it gfhdjsk

I love seeing what other people come up with - fanart and fanfic and the agentsona shenanigans, I always intended for this AU to be a sandbox to play in! I do it at any given moment, and it's so much more fun with other people enjoying themselves too! It can be silly, it can rely on so much suspension of disbelief, as long as it is fun! That is the most important part, and I'm glad to deliver!

(Also very glad to coax you out of your shell - it can be scary to be self indulgent when you feel so observed! Cringe culture is dead but its effect lingers! But I'm always gonna be very vocal about my support for self-indulgence because it is so much fun, that's even more dynamics to explore! It's nice, it's fun, and hurts no one - so I wish you heaps of self-indulgence in your future <3)

[gregmarriage]

Oh, I love hearing people yap, I'm also a yapper but it's mutually assured yapping. Someone talks for like 2 hours, pause, and then the other person talks for like 2 hours, that's just the way the best conversations happen

I would love to hear about your day all the timeee, the beauty in the mundanity of life is my favorite <3 (I read a really good fanfic about that once)

-🧁

i like long conversations about literally nothing, and i will listen to someone talk for literally forever

[phagodyke]

started talking abt the genocide convention again at dinner and my flatmate was like maybe u should.... take a break from reading this stuff...

[lilcowzia]

i know a lot of feedist fantasies are like "and then i was force fed 2 gallons of wg shake and 8 burgers" but the reality of my situation is that my feeder often has to sternly rein in my desprate gluttony bc otherwise i will gorge until i overshoot my stomach capacity and make myself sick, and tbh, i think thats rlly rlly hot too ;; he takes such good care of me 🥰

[yukarinuniversaltraveler]

Flowey Cosplay 🌻

I attended to an event yesterday and cosplayed as Flowey!!!

This was mostly a wardrobe cosplay and I crunched it like crazy because, you see, originally I planned to go as another different character, but, it didn't pan out so I had to contingency plan the hell out of it and this was the result! Quite simple, but effective tbh. I loved it and had a blast and I intend on repeating it because it's just a very comfortable outfit to wear too!

Many people recognized me and that girl dressed as Temmie even participated in the cosplay contest!

All in all it was such a fun great time and I enjoyed myself to the fullest.

Also trying this makeup was very nice although I don't have a good enough pulse to draw on my face. If I had black lipstick it woulda looked more effective. Well, next time!

Extra fact: the reins that hold the mask to my face broke in the middle of the event, and though I managed to fix them and survive, I know now that I have to rework them so it won't happen again. It's all experience!

[cheriecoke]

cold heart & hands

FEATURING. chrollo lucilfer x f!reader — wc: 2.9k

SUMMARY: as your contract with the phantom troupe comes to an end, so does your relationship with chrollo.

CONTENTS: tbh idk, breakup (?), asking to join the phantom troupe, takes place during the yorknew city arc-ish, reader works w/ the mafia, no warnings really! me exposing myself as an unfortunate chrollo fan

Your hands curled into fists against the cold wood paneling of the table, the candle burning a tall and bright flame beside you. Though the city was quiet below you, you felt as if you could still hear the melody of an overture, ringing out along the streets with the warning of a heartless army.

You’d known this day had been coming for a while. It was always meant to end this way, yet as the sun dipped below the horizon of that evening, every ache that had begun gradually shocked back into you, sending your body into an overdrive of pain.

The door opened as you leaned your head back against the chair, staring out the hotel room at the lights that glittered from the skyscrapers, the headlights flashing at braking cars. Darkness never fell completely in Yorknew City, not when the entire landscape was lit up like a fiery beacon.

“You shouldn’t leave your door open like that.” It shut with a quiet click. His voice was soft, his footsteps quiet against the carpet. “A criminal might sneak in when you’re least suspecting it.”

Despite yourself, you cracked a solemn smile, keeping your gaze away from his approaching figure. It would’ve been no use to lock the door. He had a key, anyways, and there was no one else you were particularly concerned about keeping out.

“I’m not worried about criminals,” you said, closing your eyes as his hand deftly traced the soft skin of your shoulders, the fingertips barely dancing against your skin. “I’m certain there’s no one worse than you Chrollo, and I’ve already granted you free rein of my bedroom.”

It was hard to remain focused on your objective of letting him go, to not lose sight of the hardened chain that was supposed to be wrapped around your heart, a weak attempt at keeping him out.

Could you really be blamed for your misgivings when he had been so charming? When every word was a greater attempt at growing closer to you or revealing your nature?

Perhaps you’d been doomed from the start. He made it easy to open up to him, something that had always been so difficult in the past. He made himself easy to trust. A man like that had no trouble making a dangerous name for himself.

“Is something the matter?” he asked, attempting to refocus your attention, to open your eyes and guide them to him. His hands were cold, fighting off the heat that came with the tail-end of summer. “You seem upset.”

You considered a lie, though Chrollo would wean the truth from you eventually. Just the hint of a smile was enough for you to carve another little piece of you and hand it right over to him. “The auction’s over.”

Chrollo exhaled, amusement wrought in the breathy laugh. “That it is.” He hummed, and you were certain there was nothing on his face but contentment. “I thought you’d be relieved. If I remember, you seemed rather nervous that I hired you to begin with.”

You remembered just the same. Although you were well-versed in the dealings of the underworld, being hired by the Phantom Troupe was on a different level. You’d get no protection from them nor the other Mafia families if your double agency had been discovered. It would have been easy for you to be used you as a scapegoat, and yet—

“Of course I’m relieved.” Your shoulders relaxed, slumping over. “You’ll be leaving soon. I won’t have to put up with you any longer.”

He stood behind you, draping an arm over your shoulder from where you sat. You loosely gripped his hand, the cool flesh tender against your palm. You stared at the back of it, the purpled veins that protruded under his pale skin, the tendons flexing with the subtlest of movements.

“You won’t.” He agreed, his thumb grazing your collarbone, the opposite hand brushing the back of your neck. You lost yourself under his touch, and even these few movements were enough to unravel you, leaving you in an assortment of emotions you despised yourself for. “So, why do you sound so sad?”

There was no reason to hide from him any longer, not when you’d already shared the most vulnerable parts of yourself. Not when he had you in the palm of his hand, could ruin the rest of your meaningless existence if he wanted to.

You closed your eyes, leaning into him. The back of your head rested against his taut abdomen, feeling the long, steady breaths he took. “You’re smarter than that, Chrollo. Don’t make me spell it out for you.”

Chrollo was silent. Even the slow movements of his heartbeat were just a faint noise in the chaos that resided forevermore in Yorknew City. He’d left his mark on it, a trail of blood, and gave it over to the rest of the world to pick up the pieces.

You were a fool to pretend that he could be anything to you other than the leader of the Spiders, and you’d die the same fool, wondering if things could’ve been different.

Chrollo was the one to finally break the quiet as you waited for him, hoping that he’d change his mind, that his hand was meant to be the one that was always yours to hold.

“You’ll miss me, then?” he finally said, and the air he released curled around you, something caught between warm and mocking. “Our time together was special to you.”

His words always left his lips in such a low, steady hum, as if reciting a monologue from a lesser-known Shakespearean play, one he deemed only himself capable of performing correctly. You, on the other hand, had never been fit for the stage, and any lies you told him were never done convincingly.

“What if it was?” Finally, you stood, and his touch fell away from you, inch by inch as you peeled yourself away from him with struggling magnetism. If the cold air was going to freeze between you, you didn’t want it to be with a part of you attached to him below layers of ice, inescapable. “Would you laugh at me for being so weak?”

“No.”

He surprised you with the response, the sincerity that resided under the black waves of nothingness in his endless eyes. Stories you’d never know, were too scared to know, had their place alongside his sincerity, reminding you just how serious he was.

“Said with such conviction.” You traced his porcelain jaw, the skin still so soft after growing up in nothing but garbage, rotting in a wasteland with everything else the world didn’t want. Chrollo didn’t smile, but something in his face softened, infinitesimally, a twitch of two faint lines you just might have been delusional enough to notice.

“Did you expect anything less?”

“No.” Your hand fell away, but you couldn’t bring yourself to step away from him, caught in his orbit, wishing you could revolve around him like a moon. “At least you can spare me some humiliation when I ask you to tell me that you felt something for me.” You swallowed, doing your best not to withdraw under his intimidating presence. “A lie will do. It doesn’t even have to be a good one.”

Chrollo blinked, your words churning in his mind for a fleeting moment before he took another step close to you. Everything about him, from the harsh set to his face to the aura that was always so devastatingly gloomy, softened marginally. Cool fingertips were on your cheeks, pressing into the skin with practiced care, an action you’d become so familiar with.

“It wouldn’t be a lie.” It was nothing more than a whisper, kept safe in the pocket between your mouths, away from wandering eyes and ears. “I do care for you. More than I wish, anyway.”

Your laugh was senseless and feverish, allowing some kind of illusions take a hold of you. It seemed impossible for you to separate Chrollo’s truths from everything else about him, and even though you had little trust in his words, your body relaxed into his hold. The warm breath across the bridge of your nose was worth the same as a day spent in the sun, and though you’d never been a weak person, your resistance lost all meaning when it came to Chrollo Lucilfer.

You seized his wrists with some sort of desperation, holding him close to you, afraid he’d disappear like a shadow if you were to release him.

“If that’s true, then take me with you, Chrollo.” There was a plea on the edge of your lips, and you were disgusted by the despondency in ever syllable. “There’s an opening in the Phantom Troupe, isn’t there? I can join if you just appoint me—”

Chrollo’s face changed, then, but it wasn’t to an expression of humiliation. At least, he still managed to spare you from feeling any shame.

Instead, there was nothing left in his expression, a book erased of every word within it. He was no longer so gentle and indulgent, letting you see whatever you wanted to. “I won’t.”

That was all he had to say on the matter, slowly pulling your hands away from him, one finger at a time. Your skin grew icy, and while you’d expected the swift rejection, you hadn’t expected it to hurt so badly. There had been ample time to prepare, though you felt as if you were sinking, flailing in a vast pool of water, watching your only tether to shore turn his back on you.

“Why not?”

The question was futile; you already knew the answer.

He laughed quietly, and the sound was a sharp grate to the drum of your ear, even as he kissed the palm of your hand. “I don’t doubt your abilities if that’s what you believe. It’s not a matter of what I want.”

You were silent.

“I’ve considered a multitude of things. You’re better off without us. Without me.” There was another slight change in his appearance, and you wondered if he’d ever let himself feel the breadth of his emotions, the ones that brimmed somewhere under a layer of insurmountable anguish. “Let me do one good thing in my life. Just this one thing, and maybe I’ll receive less retribution in Hell.”

It’d been months. Just that long, and already, you felt sick with the thought of saying goodbye.

“When are you leaving?” you finally asked, letting your hands drop to his chest. The white button-up was a tattered mess beneath your hand. Somehow, you’d only just noticed. He’d come straight to you, after all of the chaos.  

Chrollo heaved a breath, the light in his eyes flickering hesitantly. It was the first sign of disappointment you’d seen in him all evening, the only sign that he’d felt the same that you did at all.

“Before sunrise. It’s best to be discreet, especially when you’re supposed to be dead.” Then, as if regretted his own judgment, he tugged you to him, two arms around your back in the gentlest of embraces, the kind he’d only just learned how to share. “If they find you have any connection to us, they’ll kill you. You know that don’t you?”

Your sigh was one of marred confusion, and you buried the little noise into his shoulder. The scent of expensive cologne, one he’d surely stolen, had slowly faded away, sitting just on the edge of his skin. There was the subtle hint of mint there too, and an aged alcohol you couldn’t identify. How quickly his arms had become a comfort to you.

“Of course I do,” you said sourly. Of course you knew. That had been your entire fear in dealing with the Troupe. “I don’t understand you, Chrollo. If you’re so worried about my safety, then take me with you.”

His fingers were on the back of your neck, grazing the sensitive skin like a finely tuned instrument. The air slowly left his lungs, chest rising and falling at a speed that seemed much too hesitant to be human. “I considered it,” he admitted, and that, at least, provided you some relief. It allowed you to retain some dignity, that perhaps, you hadn’t been led astray after all. You’d never stop doubting Chrollo’s intentions with you, but you were too enraptured in him to give a damn. “The risks are much too high. You can handle yourself against the Mafia. I have no desire for you to suffer through our endeavors, even if it means I have to let you go.”

You closed your eyes, steadying yourself. What would he be saving you from, when this was already one of the greatest pains you’d felt? “Chrollo,” the name bled through your mouth, something akin to a mournful prayer to a god that had never answered. “I don’t care about that. Not anymore. Please. Take me with you.”

He smiled against your forehead, melancholy but proud, never one to be seen faltering. “I’m sorry. I am.” He kissed your forehead, and it felt too final. When you closed your eyes, a single tear gathered on the edge of your lashes. Chrollo was not an easy man to subdue, and even your despair was hollow upon his strained indifference. “It’s better this way.”

He took another step back, but you held onto him, etching the feeling of his skin on your own to memory. That if one day, you were to come face to face with him once more, you’d know his features as they once were, and you’d be able to point out every little way that they’d changed with time.

“You’re a selfish man. You should be selfish enough to want me to stay.”

“I’m selfish enough to keep you alive. Even if that means I keep a watchful eye on you from a distance.” He cupped your chin, thumb grazing the concaved space under your lips. “If you need me, I’ll be there. I can promise you that, at the very least.”

“Would you send your Spiders to watch over me instead?” you asked bitterly, your back straight as you stared at him with a strength that was slowly caving in. “Have Shalnark place a needle in my mind, so you can watch over every action? Sentence any man who dared to look me in the eye to a life of torment, punishment for his vile sins committed out of lustful greed?”

Chrollo’s lips curled, and you could see, in that moment, why he was so feared. “I admit, I am not above such things.” He looked past you, staring at the painting on the other wall, one that you would never understand to its completion. “But no. I won’t if you don’t want me to. You can come to me of your own free will if that’s what you desire.”

Perhaps you were sick enough to think that was any form of romance. Maybe you wouldn’t have minded being strung on a thread if it meant Chrollo would come back without a second thought.

Finally, he sighed, and it was obvious that even the most powerful of men could become fatigued. You could see the signs of exhuastion start to weigh on him. “Come on to bed, my darling. I don’t want our last night together to end in an argument.”

He held your hand loosely, guiding you back to the middle of the room, onto the mattress you’d shared for an unreasonable number of days. You fell, pliant, your skeleton turning to rubber under your skin.

“Will you ever reconsider?” your head hit the pillow, and you realized just how tired you also were, the past few days spent with eyes open wide, an indescribable anxiety nesting deep in your consciousness.

He didn’t respond.

“Chrollo?”

When you repeated his name, his lips squeezed together, and finally, he nodded, relenting a simple statement to you, one you to knew to be a lie. Though, it was enough, for now. Enough to get you through the next day, the next week, the next few years until you’d moved on from the man you never should’ve loved in the first place.

Chrollo brushed the dark hair away from his face, the tattoo a contrast to his pale skin, on his forehead in full display. “I’ll come back for you, when I believe your ready.”

Those were the kindest words he could’ve given you, and you surrendered, giving yourself to him once again. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. Not your future, not your past. Your soul had already been sold to the devil, and they’d never been merciful creatures. Perhaps, that had been Chrollo’s goal all along.

“I don’t believe you.”

He smiled, and, for the first time that evening, offered you a kiss. His lips were icy, but they tasted sweet, and you melted into everything that he had left to give you.

“Then don’t,” he said, holding his forehead to your own, the two of you curled into some misshapen heart on the blanket. “I mean it all the same.”  

You obliged, swallowing back every single tear you had left to cry. It wasn’t right to shed tears for a man who had committed such terrible acts before handling you with any sort of gentleness.

Chrollo stayed until sunrise, just as he said. There was no way of knowing when he slipped away, vanishing into the crisp dawn, following moving with the moon. When you woke in the morning, it was to a cold room, and a spare key left on the nightstand.

idk what this is but i just finished rewatching yorknew so chrollo has been on my mind so much the past couple weeks :,(

[thechurchofsplatterdaysaints]

Pants rolled to show cute pigs. I say cute but my 2nd toe is an asshole and the nails grow weird. Don't get me started on the 4th toe on my left foot. That piece of shit. But yea. Mystery revealed! I have buttery soft feet with high arches and cute toes. Sitting on a metal box like a knock kneed dirt farmer in 1st gen. Iron Fist. haha

GUYS GUESS WHAT?

Having a farewell party with booze tonight. Absolutely fucking killing myself and unless I wanna end up dead in a ditch I need to rein it in. (usually type reign cause slayer and dumb) Goal is 30 days.

Scared tbh. Haven't been sober longer than a week in years. Hopefully I don't totally suck asshole and fail miserably. Sticking with the weed though. Can hop around on one crutch awhile.

Keep a good thought for me. Foresee some dark days ahead but I'm excited for the challenge and the change. Going out with a bang though obviously. haha

[olderthannetfic]

I just want to say, I've seen you write "I'd just block and move on" as a response so many times and it never fails to make me nod my head sagely. Tbh I think it helped me rein in my brain when it wants to randomly cause drama a LOT. It's not completely like "WWOTNFD - block and move on" but it's not not that completely. 🫡😹

--

Oh, it's great advice. But do I actually follow it myself...? Hahaha.

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hi there! I wanted.. to ask, even though i KNOW all systems are different and it depends on the headmate themself too- i just cannot help but feel weird myself.. ( and feel free to make this a poll if you'd like? I don't mind any sort of responses ).

Is it- weird to want to seek comfort or be friends with, a factive / introject of someone whos hurt you badly? Specifically an ex partner. I dont moss them in that sense, so its not like i want to relive that. I just.. miss their existance. I know my headmate is different, and i should talk to them, but idk. It feels.. also kinda weird? Like "hey you sucked but its fine i have a backup one". Like ?? I personally.. would feel weird if i found out someone was dating or befriending a version of me in their head. ( which ik isn't in my control )

Hey, we had written a full response to this and then tumblr crashed on us. So we’re trying to piece this back together. Apologies in advance if it seems jumbled.

This is a bit touchy for us to put into a poll, so we’re going to try and answer it to the best of our ability. As always, anyone is welcome to provide insight, especially factives or those who have had personal experience with this sort of thing.

Honestly no, we don’t think it’s weird to want to befriend a factive or an introject of someone who hurt you. Introjects are people, and they deserve to develop and form relationships and just exist as themselves as much as anyone else. It’s not wrong or weird to want to get to know this introject for who they are.

However, it sounds like you’re having a bit of trouble recognizing that this factive is not literally their source. They are not a “backup” of your ex, and they are not personally to blame for any harm that your ex caused you. Many introjects feel hurt and offended when they are treated as their source. And no introject, no matter how connected to their source they are, is responsible for any actions committed by their source. They may look, sound, and act like their source. They may have source memories. But they are not their source, and they deserve to be treated with dignity and respect as an individual, first and foremost.

It might benefit you to spend some time away from this introject processing your emotions and memories surrounding your ex before you can be a good friend. Maybe therapy, journalling, and self-reflection could help. After you’ve had some time to process your feelings regarding this introject’s source, it may be easier to approach them in a positive way without assigning someone else’s baggage to them.

Also, you don’t have to tell your ex about this introject at all? We honestly wouldn’t recommend it, especially if that doesn’t align with the introject’s wishes or if you’re not in touch with your ex anymore. Yeah, some folks may find factives weird, but factives can’t help who they are. They shouldn’t be shamed or made to feel weird or wrong simply for existing. If that means their existence needs to be kept a secret from their source… idk we think that’s fine tbh.

We hope that one day you and this factive truly can reach a place where you can get to know each other on equal footing, and maybe one day become friends! Not everyone clicks or gels well with each other, so if that doesn’t happen, that’s okay too. As long as you’re affording this introject the space and agency in order to be who they want to be in life, we think trying to befriend them one day is totally fine.

Again, factives, y’all should take the reins in this sort of discussion. If there’s anything we said here that you feel is inaccurate, or if you have any further advice you can provide for anon, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

Anon, we’re wishing you and this introject the very best of luck with learning to work together and coming to terms with your history in the future.

[ominousmotion]

Thank you for the tag @nanoa1foryou 💕

I'm sorry this took me so long to get to 💕 (blame baldurs gate 3)

Star Sign: Libra

Favorite holiday: Oh man I am not a big holiday person tbh but I have a kind of personal holiday which is march 11th bc for 2 years in a row I got new tattoos that day so thats the kai gets a new tattoo day lol

Last meal: Chicken Noodle soup with Cheezits

Current favorite musician: Probably We Came As Romans I've had them on repeat quite a bit

Last music I listened to: D4MAGE DONE by I See Stars

Last movie I watched: Uhh I think it was Howls Moving Castle

Last tv show watched: Peaky Blinders

Last book/fic finished: A mandalorian fic called Short debts make long friends

Last book/fic abandoned: A Baldurs gate 3 Astarion/tav fic I chose to read the Mando fic instead

Currently reading: A Mando fic called Eyes of Gold and the first Percy Jackson book

Last thing researched for writing/art: I was looking up custom brushes for Ibis paint X

Favorite online fandom memory: Making the life on the pride side shirt w Gemma and facetiming w her and Ju to surprise them with the shirt

Favorite old fandom you wish would drag you back in/have a resurgence: Im not really out of my old fandoms except marvel but I wouldn't be mad to get draged deeper in to Doctor Who again

Favorite thing you enjoy that never had an active or big fandom: oh man ive always primarily been apart of super active fandoms i guess this might qualify but i absolutely love humans are space orcs stuff and ive never see it super often and i wish i saw it more

Tempting project your trying to rein in/don't have time for: i think i have like 3 or 4 wips rn 2 of which are pointilism portraits and im lowkey avoiding them bc i know that they take hundreds of hours to complete

Tagging @another-sun @kraeuterhexchen @there-is-just-me-myself-and-i @necessarytragedies @tomorrows-unknown as always feel free to ignore me if youve already done this or just if you feel like it 💕

[magnoliamyrrh]

. ive got such a long list of reasons to be bitter and fed up and angry. i have so much pain within me. sometimes i feel like pain, deep, deep, sorrowful pain, mourning, grief, anger, a desperate need to stop feeling suffocated is what i know best. and u know as much as i think all thats justified and as much as i think my anger is important for my sanity , and as much as tbh i like by this point to an extent that my over it little tolerance for bullshit angry kinda agressive vibe is a part of my personality - that my bitterness is earned and aged like fine win. but idk, i have tired to rein it in these last months progressively bc it was consuming me and my nervous system literally couldnt handle it

but. something i still havent figured out how to deal w is my very, very, very bad case of survivors guilt. maybe its gotten a bit better but that makes me feel guilty too. it always does. i try not to let it haunt me but It Always done it haunts me that its somehow not supposed to consume and haunt me

. after everything my own pain and trauma is not what fucks me up the most. its always that its not over for so many others. for so many others its not over, its never over, theyre going through it rn, many worse than anything i ever went through. many that wont make it out alive

.

my best friend says its not my responsibility especially with my crippled health and the little of my fragile sanity to try to do something about it. that spending years trying to do something about sex trafficking or whatever else would break me, eat me up inside, that people who aint traumatized end up killing themselves or alchoholics, shells from what they've seen, so what would it do to me? he says. ive earned my rest, ive earned looking away, ive earned my peace

...

but what does that matter? what it would do to me? he says he doesnt understand why i spend so much time writing and speaking on this shit. at first it was to understand myself. now it is the horror that it is so much more horrible and bad and keeps going, its not me. its others. i always have felt more impacted by seeing others in pain than myself. i never can stand seeing my pain on someone else.

he says he doesnt understand why i look. he says he doesnt understand why i think. he says he doesnt understand why i study. doesnt understand why i want to do something about it when its so horrible

........

but ive been.... lucky. not so but lucky. lucky enouth to live. to get out. to get my "freedom."

but what does "my" individual freedom mean? when others dont have it? what does it matter?....... what does it matter?

it feels like my trauma isnt over through them. its not. im just one person, but for so many its not over. it wont be over. they may never see over until their graves.... time is a flat circle and all

...

and i think, how many? how many? and i think too.... in the history of the balkans, of my people, my women and little girls... how many? for how long?

how many today? everywhere?

how am i supposed to rest easy. how am i supposed to live my life ignoring it

why shouldn't i burn myself out. i already am. why shouldnt i take on the trauma of getting back into it for the sake of others

.

what does my freedom mean without theirs?

.

their screams echo through my head. they were my own once. i have stopped screaming

they have not

[goodxdog]

Depression? Under the cut. Just need to get my thoughts out there tbh.

I'm thinking of leaving Tumblr for good. I don't know, truth be told; my brain says that it's better for me to be alone, to just rely on myself as I always have.

On the other hand, I've enjoyed what I've done here, I enjoy RP and I just... I don't know, to be honest.

I've been roleplaying since I was 18 - I purposefully held back from doing it publicly before I was of age, though I've been writing fanfictions and smut since I was 16 - and I'm turning 28 this year.

It's been such a big part of me, of who I am, for so long. Back from my starting roots in HDN, to going fandomless, to... Everything else. Finding lovers and enemies on here; my entire life has, weirdly, been connected to Tumblr for so long.

Just, right now, I... I don't feel complete? I don't-- know what it is. I want to write, I want to do so much, though there's only so much I can do with a self insert, I admit.

Maybe I need a SFW version of Reine? Maybe I need it to be more me? I don't really know. Maybe I need to make another multimuse and just throw everything on there, canon or not.

My main issue with Multimuses is that there's too much often going on. Maybe I'll make a Cardd (carrd?) with everyone on there. Just keep updating it every time I make a new OC or something. I have so many.

I don't know what'll help me right now, I just... Want to keep this funny, silly writing website in my heart. I've made some of my best friends here, I've made some of my best pieces of writing here. And I don't want to loose that.

Maybe I will make that Carrd (I honestly don't know how it's spelt). Would anyone be interested? Make something nice and pretty.

[bedlamsbard]

5 and 6 from the fic writers’ asks, please?

5. Share one of your strengths.

I'm really, really good at worldbuilding -- I love worldbuilding, I love culture, I love the way the ways little bits and pieces build on each other and how much if it's done right it can really affect the way that characters perceive and interact with the world, and in turn how the audience perceives and interacts with those characters. One of the really fun parts of worldbuilding for me is setting things up so that they aren't standard U.S. and/or Western culture (because I'm contrary), but you sometimes have to sneak that in slowly so it's not done so drastically it immediately throws a reader. People and cultures are different and it's really important for me that when working with fictional cultures (like Ryloth or Asgard or Jotunheim) that they are noticeably different from IRL cultures. On the other hand, when expanding on things like the SSR, I still want it to fit neatly not just into the pre-existing Marvel universe, but also its cultural and historical context. (tbh, this is harder for me than dealing with things that are entirely fictional.)

6. Share one of your weaknesses.

Relatedly -- I get way too detail-oriented. This isn't innately a bad thing, but it means I'll go off on tangents that aren't necessary, which is one reason I end up with 200-350K fics, because I keep playing out extended possibilities and likely outcomes. I'm not great at reining myself in, though I'm considerably better at it now than I used to be. Some of this is probably an artifact of graduate school ("oh, you like history? name everything that ever happened'), but I was doing it even before; that's why Dust in the Air is...like that. like, I'm really good at cause-and-effect, for want of a nail, stuff, but sometimes I go overboard with it and I either go too drastic about it or it paralyzes me. (like, the reason that the SHIELDRA story hasn't gone anywhere is because I have to figure out what went down with Thor in that 'verse in order to move on even though there's no plans for Thor to appear.)

[anti-katsuki-lounge]

I know I just sent an ask telling you to rest but since you'll answer these later anyway I couldn't resist sending this in because of something that happened sjsjsj

What happened is irrelevant, it just made me come on here- and I apologize in advance because this will be kinda long

I'm honestly so tired of people defending bakugou's (no capital B for you mf) actions, comparing it to their own and making it sound as though it's okay (baby you make yourself look even worse) and making absurd theories about his reasons for bullying Izuku that I didn't even know existed until I came across this blog and as a former bully (who deeply regrets it and hates bullying of any sort) I'm here to give my two cents. Forgive me if it's horribly structured and/or incoherent because I'm exhausted as well. I'll also be comparing him to me, and while I know everyone's different, this is mostly just to show what could have happened

To the people who say bakugou's changed for the better, you're entitled to your opinion so here's mine- no he hasn't. He really hasn't. He hasn't even tried. If I could half ass an effort with half an ass of half an ass it wouldn't come near the fraction of an assed effort he's made, if he's made any at all. He's just a bit mellower if you can even call it that, and he's been told he's a bitch with a garbage personality. Nobody told me that, I saw what I was because I met people that set a better example for me- I compared their behaviour to my own and got over myself. I realised what I was doing to the people I loved- if it could even be called love- and I consciously mended my behaviour, for months, because I had to. My vocabulary changed, my body language changed, the way I spoke changed, my tone changed, my texting style changed, my perspective changed and (most importantly) my reactions changed. And I'm honestly much happier now. I'm terrified of relapses even though it was years ago. I'm a pretty sunshiny person tbh, I shit glitter and everything, I'm your free therapist but yeah, that was me and I hate it. And if I'd been told my personality was garbage the way bakugou has been, I'd have taken at least a moment to reflect.

After I decided to mend myself, I'd recoil whenever I did something harsh, or said something harsh, no matter how lighthearted. Seeing my friends turn nervous or prepare themselves for an argument broke my heart because I caused it. I apologised multiple times, with long paragraphs, because I wanted to let them know in any way I could that I really am trying and I really did love them.

And you know what? At first it was so tempting to relapse when things got hard. I knew what to do to manipulate them. I knew what to do to scare them. I know how to do it all and I loathe myself for not being a person of comfort.

At first it was tempting, because it was so much easier. It would have been so lazy to do it. bakugou is so, so lazy for not even trying. I felt as though I could control anything. I thought I could always keep them the way I wanted. The amount of control you can have over people frankly gets to your head- and for the people who argue that Bakugou was abused, I've been abused and bullied as well and it is not. An. Excuse.

For the people who like to think he did it to protect Izuku- please. Please. Even you can't think that's true. You're entitled to what you think, but for me and the bullies I know that was never the reason. A friend once told me he was mean to me to rein in my behaviour because I'd just get bullied again, that he was doing it to protect me and I laughed in his face because both of us know that both of us know it's not true.

bakugou liked the kick he got out of feeling superior, smarter, faster, more influential, more confident and that was it. bakugou enjoyed it because it was easy. It was easy to not feel like crap when all he had to do was bully some kid to assure himself and that was it. He's lazy.

And honestly- being a nice person is a discipline. *That* is not easy. Izuki is amazing for what he does. It's hard for me to know what to say. It's hard for me to manage my time to I have enough to help others. It's hard for me to see others in pain. I've caused so much suffering and suffered so much I can't stand to say any more of it. It sucks because my empathy causes troubles for me- but I'd rather deal with that than being an asshole

And change is entirely possible y'know? I mean yeah, if Izuku wants bakugou out of his life he should absolutely cut him off, but if he wishes to allow bakugou to remain with him he absolutely can. And bakugou (I'm getting tired of spelling his name out, I feel very petty sjsjsjs) can change so much more than this. I went from being a bkg to being the complete opposite and it didn't take as long as you'd think tbh. It's just that bkg does not regret his actions enough, if he regrets them at all. I've cried and tried and come out a very different person and it's frustrating to see someone so stagnant- and worse, so loved.

I have a massive migraine so I can't go on much further, my apologies :'). I also won't proofread this and I have a lot more to say, but I can't recollect it all. It's just so goddamn frustrating to see this guy pop up onscreen eVERYWHERE. He is so loved, Hori spoils him djsjjs

I just want to watch the anime for the sassy blond, not the blond bully sheesh 😩

Anyway, drink lots of water and rest. I hope you feel way better <33

100% agree on all of this. Also, it may not mean much coming from a faceless stranger, but I’m proud of you for your growth 😊. I’m glad you’ve taken the time to really reflect on yourself and your relationships. I hope you continue down this path because great things will happen to you.

[witchyfoxelf]

[tv review] ds9 4x10 "our man bashir" (1995)

there’s actually TOO MUCH to love about this episode??? like, if i tried to tell y’all everything i love about it i’d just end up giving u a bl0w-by-blow of the entire episode, so i’m gonna do my best to rein myself in a bit.

as someone who considers the bond movies a problematic fave of mine, obviously a big part of the joy is seeing all the bond tropes lovingly made fun of. even little details like how damn accurate the music stings are just makes me guffaw with joy every time. this reaches its apex, btw, when bashir & garak are rushing to their final confrontation with dr. noah and a bond-ified version of the ds9 theme serves as a heroic flourish. fucking priceless.

garak barging in and offering both veiled & unveiled constructive criticism to the bond pastiche’s version of spycraft was brilliant. and having that eventually lead to bashir repeating garak’s words to “dr. noah” (more on him later) was super cute. just a lot of quality garak/bashir stuff in this episode tbh!!

seeing most of the other main cast members playing various bond roles was probably the biggest source of joy here, and they’re all just absolutely golden, but it should come as no surprise that by far the best one is captain sisko playing archvillain dr. hippocrates noah.

i love every time this show decides to get out of avery brooks’ way and just let him be a fucking incredible actor, and his performance here as a bond villain is just unreal. his line delivery, his facial acting, every detail of his performance is just staggeringly great! and just… the combination of “this is incredible acting” and “this is incredibly silly” hits such a weird spot that i kind of don’t even know how to properly articulate it? just trust me, it’s wonderful.

i love this show so much. it’s so willing to go so hard into silliness as well as so hard into seriousness and it just kicks so much ass at both. this episode, btw, is one of the three that made me say that little green men isn’t even in my top three favorite ds9 comedy episodes. looking forward to getting to the other two!

s-rank