#this is me reining myself in tbh

[skhardwarevers1]

tbh I think my top (kinda shitty) coping mechanism is just posting here

[gregmarriage]

Oh, I love hearing people yap, I'm also a yapper but it's mutually assured yapping. Someone talks for like 2 hours, pause, and then the other person talks for like 2 hours, that's just the way the best conversations happen

I would love to hear about your day all the timeee, the beauty in the mundanity of life is my favorite <3 (I read a really good fanfic about that once)

-🧁

i like long conversations about literally nothing, and i will listen to someone talk for literally forever

[phagodyke]

started talking abt the genocide convention again at dinner and my flatmate was like maybe u should.... take a break from reading this stuff...

[just-eyris-things]

Taking Rein on an adventure outside the Grove and I'm going to challenge myself a tiny bit.

I can only travel by foot, like ancient Tyrians (cough, me in 2011) did back in the day. Mounts allowed from PoF forward.

No waypointing unless dead/going to a fast paced event that getting on foot to would be an issue! (lets be honest, low level maps = you have to get to events FAST).

Glider allowed only from HoT forward.

Jade bot masteries allowed only from EoD forward.

I can start using Dragonhunter only once I start HoT, Firebrand once I get to PoF and Willblender once I start EoD.

While completing Hearts, I can only fight if there is no other way to complete it.

outside of hearts try to be as pacifist as possible.

?unsure if i manage this tbh? Rein is a dawn bloom, so he can only be active from dawn to dusk. Unless there's meta. Fuck your sleeping schedule, Rein. Meta is more important.

if i think of sth more, i will reblog and add more :) I will keep you posted (If I dont forget)

also Mom? Mom I'm scared, why would you say this to me mom :(

[lilcowzia]

i know a lot of feedist fantasies are like "and then i was force fed 2 gallons of wg shake and 8 burgers" but the reality of my situation is that my feeder often has to sternly rein in my desprate gluttony bc otherwise i will gorge until i overshoot my stomach capacity and make myself sick, and tbh, i think thats rlly rlly hot too ;; he takes such good care of me 🥰

[yukarinuniversaltraveler]

Flowey Cosplay 🌻

I attended to an event yesterday and cosplayed as Flowey!!!

This was mostly a wardrobe cosplay and I crunched it like crazy because, you see, originally I planned to go as another different character, but, it didn't pan out so I had to contingency plan the hell out of it and this was the result! Quite simple, but effective tbh. I loved it and had a blast and I intend on repeating it because it's just a very comfortable outfit to wear too!

Many people recognized me and that girl dressed as Temmie even participated in the cosplay contest!

All in all it was such a fun great time and I enjoyed myself to the fullest.

Also trying this makeup was very nice although I don't have a good enough pulse to draw on my face. If I had black lipstick it woulda looked more effective. Well, next time!

Extra fact: the reins that hold the mask to my face broke in the middle of the event, and though I managed to fix them and survive, I know now that I have to rework them so it won't happen again. It's all experience!

[someotherdog]

hey y'all. long time no see, sorry for my absence. unfortunately due to just... the general state of the world i have absolutely no desire to write a word. :/ i'm trying to get my muse back but i can't even force myself to read other people's work anymore even tho my tbr book list is like waist-high. (i did however finish my first quilt, it looks like shit but at least i'm not completely unable to express myself through art... small mercies) so i'm very sorry to anyone that's waiting on a reply from me, i truly can't say when i'll be able to write back so i understand if anyone wants to drop a thread or break mutualship. i'm gonna explain some more under the cut but no one is obligated to read it, i just don't have anywhere else to put my feelings.

2025 is my twentieth anniversary of roleplaying. of course i haven't actively roleplayed every single month of every year, there were a lot of long breaks, some even more than a year or so, but collectively yeah it's been since 2005 that i've roleplayed in some fashion or another. whether here on tumblr for the last ten years, or on sites like roleplayer.me (which i often dream about for some reason?) or myspace or even those forum boards way back in the day. so it's been part of my life longer than it hasn't. after my father died when i was a kid, i basically had free rein of the internet and eventually stumbled upon rp during my harry potter phase when i saw a myspace profile for padma patil and was like 'huh she's a fictional character?' and basically it just snowballed from there.

rp has been kind of a secret shame i've had, i've only told like two people in real life about it; i basically just describe it as 'collaborative writing' when i get even close to explaining what i'm doing on my phone or computer all the time, and tbh i rarely get close enough to anyone irl for anyone to ask, my family's just used to me being so secretive, but i don't volunteer that information to acquaintances or anything. idk why i'm so embarrassed of it, it's really not a big deal, but it just makes me feel like a loser somehow. idk. i guess because for a very long time, it was my only outlet and only way to socialize, so it and the internet in general was my only lifeline when my agoraphobia was at its worst. i guess i just feel that i should've been at the club instead of writing replies that don't matter, basically shouting into the void besides the writing partner in question and maybe like one or two random people that may come across my blog, but i didn't want to be at the club. i don't want to be at the club. my life has been pretty shit my entire life but i don't want any other life. not really.

so as i approach twenty years, i've been thinking a lot about retiring. not that i want to stop writing, muse permitting, but that at some point, i will have to stop roleplaying. i know that on other sites like jcink, it's normal for writers to keep roleplaying into their forties, but here on tumblr, there is a ceiling. a point where people stop putting their actual age and go with 20+, 30+, etc because no one wants to write with someone who is old. i know that a lot of people go on to write while having partners and kids, two things that are very very unlikely for me, but at some point whether we want to stop or not, we will just log off one day and... never return. we won't have time anymore, or we can't find anyone to write with, or just a sudden indifference, but eventually it all ends. and i don't really want it to end, despite my lack of inspiration. i just can't really imagine my life without roleplay, but i know that it will end, that i'll just run out of time or interest or feel too old for it (tho i don't feel like there are really... new younger roleplayers anymore, at least not so much on tumblr), but i find that prospect really scary. to have something be part of my daily life for twenty years and for it to just... go away.

i actually reread a fanfic i wrote in 2010/2011 last week. it made me a little sad because i was just a baby when i wrote it and i was so, so, so lonely at the time of writing it, but it was also a time when i didn't know it was should've not should of (lol) and i also plagiarized IT by stephen king for a single line (it must've been what i was reading at the time) but the bare bones of the way i write now was in it. the language was a little simplistic, but my tone of voice was in there. and it just made me feel bad for seventeen year old me because i'm still doing this. but i don't want to stop doing this, but i know at some point i will need to.

it doesn't help that i haven't felt inspired to write a narrative sentence in weeks. i go through dry spells and writer's block frequently, but this one has felt so much different than before. i'm stressing out a lot about politics (obviously) and also i've been having a lot of health anxiety. mostly about bird flu and the morality rates for cats, because i work a public facing job where i interact with hundreds of people a week, and while i mask at work and frequently wash my hands/use hand sanitizer, and i also never let my cats out or feed them raw food, there's still a risk of tracking it into my house on my shoes or my dogs bringing it in after going outside (tho that's not very often bc it's very cold in the midwest and they're not breeds that love snow) and after i had to put down my cat last summer, i truly fear losing my cats now after only having them for six months because i lost my soul cat after eight years together and it just wasn't enough. i also have health anxiety due to, as mentioned, my father's death at a young age and i've been basically having daily panic attacks. it's just creatively sapped me when my inspiration is fickle enough and generally only comes in short bursts (that's what she said). it makes me sad to not write, and when i look in my drafts for something that might inspire me, i just get overwhelmed because there's so many replies i've let sit for months. so i know anyone would say mental health over replies, but when my mental health is just so bad lately no matter what i do... idk it just feels like a bottomless pit or something. it doesn't help that i had a really bad group rp experience last year lmao but that's a story for a different day. so it's just made me question and ruminate a lot, and while i know i need help, i just don't have the money either to take care of myself in that way. i feel very stuck, but at least i'm not agoraphobic anymore? but it's kind of strange because i miss it so much sometimes. it feels sick to miss my metaphorical cage, but i do.

so anyway if you actually read all of this, i really commend you for being a trooper. thank you for listening if you did! and again sorry if you're waiting on any replies from me, i hope to be back soon.

[cheriecoke]

cold heart & hands

FEATURING. chrollo lucilfer x f!reader — wc: 2.9k

SUMMARY: as your contract with the phantom troupe comes to an end, so does your relationship with chrollo.

CONTENTS: tbh idk, breakup (?), asking to join the phantom troupe, takes place during the yorknew city arc-ish, reader works w/ the mafia, no warnings really! me exposing myself as an unfortunate chrollo fan

Your hands curled into fists against the cold wood paneling of the table, the candle burning a tall and bright flame beside you. Though the city was quiet below you, you felt as if you could still hear the melody of an overture, ringing out along the streets with the warning of a heartless army.

You’d known this day had been coming for a while. It was always meant to end this way, yet as the sun dipped below the horizon of that evening, every ache that had begun gradually shocked back into you, sending your body into an overdrive of pain.

The door opened as you leaned your head back against the chair, staring out the hotel room at the lights that glittered from the skyscrapers, the headlights flashing at braking cars. Darkness never fell completely in Yorknew City, not when the entire landscape was lit up like a fiery beacon.

“You shouldn’t leave your door open like that.” It shut with a quiet click. His voice was soft, his footsteps quiet against the carpet. “A criminal might sneak in when you’re least suspecting it.”

Despite yourself, you cracked a solemn smile, keeping your gaze away from his approaching figure. It would’ve been no use to lock the door. He had a key, anyways, and there was no one else you were particularly concerned about keeping out.

“I’m not worried about criminals,” you said, closing your eyes as his hand deftly traced the soft skin of your shoulders, the fingertips barely dancing against your skin. “I’m certain there’s no one worse than you Chrollo, and I’ve already granted you free rein of my bedroom.”

It was hard to remain focused on your objective of letting him go, to not lose sight of the hardened chain that was supposed to be wrapped around your heart, a weak attempt at keeping him out.

Could you really be blamed for your misgivings when he had been so charming? When every word was a greater attempt at growing closer to you or revealing your nature?

Perhaps you’d been doomed from the start. He made it easy to open up to him, something that had always been so difficult in the past. He made himself easy to trust. A man like that had no trouble making a dangerous name for himself.

“Is something the matter?” he asked, attempting to refocus your attention, to open your eyes and guide them to him. His hands were cold, fighting off the heat that came with the tail-end of summer. “You seem upset.”

You considered a lie, though Chrollo would wean the truth from you eventually. Just the hint of a smile was enough for you to carve another little piece of you and hand it right over to him. “The auction’s over.”

Chrollo exhaled, amusement wrought in the breathy laugh. “That it is.” He hummed, and you were certain there was nothing on his face but contentment. “I thought you’d be relieved. If I remember, you seemed rather nervous that I hired you to begin with.”

You remembered just the same. Although you were well-versed in the dealings of the underworld, being hired by the Phantom Troupe was on a different level. You’d get no protection from them nor the other Mafia families if your double agency had been discovered. It would have been easy for you to be used you as a scapegoat, and yet—

“Of course I’m relieved.” Your shoulders relaxed, slumping over. “You’ll be leaving soon. I won’t have to put up with you any longer.”

He stood behind you, draping an arm over your shoulder from where you sat. You loosely gripped his hand, the cool flesh tender against your palm. You stared at the back of it, the purpled veins that protruded under his pale skin, the tendons flexing with the subtlest of movements.

“You won’t.” He agreed, his thumb grazing your collarbone, the opposite hand brushing the back of your neck. You lost yourself under his touch, and even these few movements were enough to unravel you, leaving you in an assortment of emotions you despised yourself for. “So, why do you sound so sad?”

There was no reason to hide from him any longer, not when you’d already shared the most vulnerable parts of yourself. Not when he had you in the palm of his hand, could ruin the rest of your meaningless existence if he wanted to.

You closed your eyes, leaning into him. The back of your head rested against his taut abdomen, feeling the long, steady breaths he took. “You’re smarter than that, Chrollo. Don’t make me spell it out for you.”

Chrollo was silent. Even the slow movements of his heartbeat were just a faint noise in the chaos that resided forevermore in Yorknew City. He’d left his mark on it, a trail of blood, and gave it over to the rest of the world to pick up the pieces.

You were a fool to pretend that he could be anything to you other than the leader of the Spiders, and you’d die the same fool, wondering if things could’ve been different.

Chrollo was the one to finally break the quiet as you waited for him, hoping that he’d change his mind, that his hand was meant to be the one that was always yours to hold.

“You’ll miss me, then?” he finally said, and the air he released curled around you, something caught between warm and mocking. “Our time together was special to you.”

His words always left his lips in such a low, steady hum, as if reciting a monologue from a lesser-known Shakespearean play, one he deemed only himself capable of performing correctly. You, on the other hand, had never been fit for the stage, and any lies you told him were never done convincingly.

“What if it was?” Finally, you stood, and his touch fell away from you, inch by inch as you peeled yourself away from him with struggling magnetism. If the cold air was going to freeze between you, you didn’t want it to be with a part of you attached to him below layers of ice, inescapable. “Would you laugh at me for being so weak?”

“No.”

He surprised you with the response, the sincerity that resided under the black waves of nothingness in his endless eyes. Stories you’d never know, were too scared to know, had their place alongside his sincerity, reminding you just how serious he was.

“Said with such conviction.” You traced his porcelain jaw, the skin still so soft after growing up in nothing but garbage, rotting in a wasteland with everything else the world didn’t want. Chrollo didn’t smile, but something in his face softened, infinitesimally, a twitch of two faint lines you just might have been delusional enough to notice.

“Did you expect anything less?”

“No.” Your hand fell away, but you couldn’t bring yourself to step away from him, caught in his orbit, wishing you could revolve around him like a moon. “At least you can spare me some humiliation when I ask you to tell me that you felt something for me.” You swallowed, doing your best not to withdraw under his intimidating presence. “A lie will do. It doesn’t even have to be a good one.”

Chrollo blinked, your words churning in his mind for a fleeting moment before he took another step close to you. Everything about him, from the harsh set to his face to the aura that was always so devastatingly gloomy, softened marginally. Cool fingertips were on your cheeks, pressing into the skin with practiced care, an action you’d become so familiar with.

“It wouldn’t be a lie.” It was nothing more than a whisper, kept safe in the pocket between your mouths, away from wandering eyes and ears. “I do care for you. More than I wish, anyway.”

Your laugh was senseless and feverish, allowing some kind of illusions take a hold of you. It seemed impossible for you to separate Chrollo’s truths from everything else about him, and even though you had little trust in his words, your body relaxed into his hold. The warm breath across the bridge of your nose was worth the same as a day spent in the sun, and though you’d never been a weak person, your resistance lost all meaning when it came to Chrollo Lucilfer.

You seized his wrists with some sort of desperation, holding him close to you, afraid he’d disappear like a shadow if you were to release him.

“If that’s true, then take me with you, Chrollo.” There was a plea on the edge of your lips, and you were disgusted by the despondency in ever syllable. “There’s an opening in the Phantom Troupe, isn’t there? I can join if you just appoint me—”

Chrollo’s face changed, then, but it wasn’t to an expression of humiliation. At least, he still managed to spare you from feeling any shame.

Instead, there was nothing left in his expression, a book erased of every word within it. He was no longer so gentle and indulgent, letting you see whatever you wanted to. “I won’t.”

That was all he had to say on the matter, slowly pulling your hands away from him, one finger at a time. Your skin grew icy, and while you’d expected the swift rejection, you hadn’t expected it to hurt so badly. There had been ample time to prepare, though you felt as if you were sinking, flailing in a vast pool of water, watching your only tether to shore turn his back on you.

“Why not?”

The question was futile; you already knew the answer.

He laughed quietly, and the sound was a sharp grate to the drum of your ear, even as he kissed the palm of your hand. “I don’t doubt your abilities if that’s what you believe. It’s not a matter of what I want.”

You were silent.

“I’ve considered a multitude of things. You’re better off without us. Without me.” There was another slight change in his appearance, and you wondered if he’d ever let himself feel the breadth of his emotions, the ones that brimmed somewhere under a layer of insurmountable anguish. “Let me do one good thing in my life. Just this one thing, and maybe I’ll receive less retribution in Hell.”

It’d been months. Just that long, and already, you felt sick with the thought of saying goodbye.

“When are you leaving?” you finally asked, letting your hands drop to his chest. The white button-up was a tattered mess beneath your hand. Somehow, you’d only just noticed. He’d come straight to you, after all of the chaos.  

Chrollo heaved a breath, the light in his eyes flickering hesitantly. It was the first sign of disappointment you’d seen in him all evening, the only sign that he’d felt the same that you did at all.

“Before sunrise. It’s best to be discreet, especially when you’re supposed to be dead.” Then, as if regretted his own judgment, he tugged you to him, two arms around your back in the gentlest of embraces, the kind he’d only just learned how to share. “If they find you have any connection to us, they’ll kill you. You know that don’t you?”

Your sigh was one of marred confusion, and you buried the little noise into his shoulder. The scent of expensive cologne, one he’d surely stolen, had slowly faded away, sitting just on the edge of his skin. There was the subtle hint of mint there too, and an aged alcohol you couldn’t identify. How quickly his arms had become a comfort to you.

“Of course I do,” you said sourly. Of course you knew. That had been your entire fear in dealing with the Troupe. “I don’t understand you, Chrollo. If you’re so worried about my safety, then take me with you.”

His fingers were on the back of your neck, grazing the sensitive skin like a finely tuned instrument. The air slowly left his lungs, chest rising and falling at a speed that seemed much too hesitant to be human. “I considered it,” he admitted, and that, at least, provided you some relief. It allowed you to retain some dignity, that perhaps, you hadn’t been led astray after all. You’d never stop doubting Chrollo’s intentions with you, but you were too enraptured in him to give a damn. “The risks are much too high. You can handle yourself against the Mafia. I have no desire for you to suffer through our endeavors, even if it means I have to let you go.”

You closed your eyes, steadying yourself. What would he be saving you from, when this was already one of the greatest pains you’d felt? “Chrollo,” the name bled through your mouth, something akin to a mournful prayer to a god that had never answered. “I don’t care about that. Not anymore. Please. Take me with you.”

He smiled against your forehead, melancholy but proud, never one to be seen faltering. “I’m sorry. I am.” He kissed your forehead, and it felt too final. When you closed your eyes, a single tear gathered on the edge of your lashes. Chrollo was not an easy man to subdue, and even your despair was hollow upon his strained indifference. “It’s better this way.”

He took another step back, but you held onto him, etching the feeling of his skin on your own to memory. That if one day, you were to come face to face with him once more, you’d know his features as they once were, and you’d be able to point out every little way that they’d changed with time.

“You’re a selfish man. You should be selfish enough to want me to stay.”

“I’m selfish enough to keep you alive. Even if that means I keep a watchful eye on you from a distance.” He cupped your chin, thumb grazing the concaved space under your lips. “If you need me, I’ll be there. I can promise you that, at the very least.”

“Would you send your Spiders to watch over me instead?” you asked bitterly, your back straight as you stared at him with a strength that was slowly caving in. “Have Shalnark place a needle in my mind, so you can watch over every action? Sentence any man who dared to look me in the eye to a life of torment, punishment for his vile sins committed out of lustful greed?”

Chrollo’s lips curled, and you could see, in that moment, why he was so feared. “I admit, I am not above such things.” He looked past you, staring at the painting on the other wall, one that you would never understand to its completion. “But no. I won’t if you don’t want me to. You can come to me of your own free will if that’s what you desire.”

Perhaps you were sick enough to think that was any form of romance. Maybe you wouldn’t have minded being strung on a thread if it meant Chrollo would come back without a second thought.

Finally, he sighed, and it was obvious that even the most powerful of men could become fatigued. You could see the signs of exhuastion start to weigh on him. “Come on to bed, my darling. I don’t want our last night together to end in an argument.”

He held your hand loosely, guiding you back to the middle of the room, onto the mattress you’d shared for an unreasonable number of days. You fell, pliant, your skeleton turning to rubber under your skin.

“Will you ever reconsider?” your head hit the pillow, and you realized just how tired you also were, the past few days spent with eyes open wide, an indescribable anxiety nesting deep in your consciousness.

He didn’t respond.

“Chrollo?”

When you repeated his name, his lips squeezed together, and finally, he nodded, relenting a simple statement to you, one you to knew to be a lie. Though, it was enough, for now. Enough to get you through the next day, the next week, the next few years until you’d moved on from the man you never should’ve loved in the first place.

Chrollo brushed the dark hair away from his face, the tattoo a contrast to his pale skin, on his forehead in full display. “I’ll come back for you, when I believe your ready.”

Those were the kindest words he could’ve given you, and you surrendered, giving yourself to him once again. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. Not your future, not your past. Your soul had already been sold to the devil, and they’d never been merciful creatures. Perhaps, that had been Chrollo’s goal all along.

“I don’t believe you.”

He smiled, and, for the first time that evening, offered you a kiss. His lips were icy, but they tasted sweet, and you melted into everything that he had left to give you.

“Then don’t,” he said, holding his forehead to your own, the two of you curled into some misshapen heart on the blanket. “I mean it all the same.”  

You obliged, swallowing back every single tear you had left to cry. It wasn’t right to shed tears for a man who had committed such terrible acts before handling you with any sort of gentleness.

Chrollo stayed until sunrise, just as he said. There was no way of knowing when he slipped away, vanishing into the crisp dawn, following moving with the moon. When you woke in the morning, it was to a cold room, and a spare key left on the nightstand.

idk what this is but i just finished rewatching yorknew so chrollo has been on my mind so much the past couple weeks :,(

[thechurchofsplatterdaysaints]

Pants rolled to show cute pigs. I say cute but my 2nd toe is an asshole and the nails grow weird. Don't get me started on the 4th toe on my left foot. That piece of shit. But yea. Mystery revealed! I have buttery soft feet with high arches and cute toes. Sitting on a metal box like a knock kneed dirt farmer in 1st gen. Iron Fist. haha

GUYS GUESS WHAT?

Having a farewell party with booze tonight. Absolutely fucking killing myself and unless I wanna end up dead in a ditch I need to rein it in. (usually type reign cause slayer and dumb) Goal is 30 days.

Scared tbh. Haven't been sober longer than a week in years. Hopefully I don't totally suck asshole and fail miserably. Sticking with the weed though. Can hop around on one crutch awhile.

Keep a good thought for me. Foresee some dark days ahead but I'm excited for the challenge and the change. Going out with a bang though obviously. haha

[olderthannetfic]

I just want to say, I've seen you write "I'd just block and move on" as a response so many times and it never fails to make me nod my head sagely. Tbh I think it helped me rein in my brain when it wants to randomly cause drama a LOT. It's not completely like "WWOTNFD - block and move on" but it's not not that completely. 🫡😹

--

Oh, it's great advice. But do I actually follow it myself...? Hahaha.

[diodellet]

For whatever reason Sebek was my first thought for the character opinion thingy, so let's hear it for the croc man.

DID U MEAN (one of) BEST BOI??!?!!? (thanks for throwin in an ask!!)

First Impression: So I actually knew just a smidge about him before I started playing twst (shoutout to this character essay and this anituber's reactions to the twst cast). I thought he was kinda cute, green hair is always a top tier design choice, but I don't like stanning characters based off appearance alone (I mean, sure the essay had bits abt his insecurities but I need to see the trauma/insecurities in action before falling headfirst into the rabbithole)

Impression now: LOVE HIM!!! MY MOST FAVE OF THE DIASOMNIA PEEPS!! (😭so why does he keep forcing me to hit 100 pity everytime i aim for his ssrs😭) there's so much to dissect about his character and backstory, but aaaagh... i'll eventually get to bingereading book 7... Eventually!! (I also hear his Halloween SSR vignette has some interesting food for plot 👀 but alas, gotta keep myself unspoiled)

Favorite moment: kinda related to my first (proper) impression, but i'll never forget how hard i ugly-laughed while reading this vignette👇

(💕hes so earnest and demanding...he takes himself so seriously...he's so devoted to lilia's word...it's stupid but like in a cute way, i cant i want to pinch him and shake him like a soda bottle💕)

Idea for a story: sdjlfsdfjs I still have that silsebe x vampire!reader fic... that i might completely overhaul 😭 but i still gotta keep the spirit of bi-disaster sebek, i like relationships that are still in their awkward fumbling stages💕

++I've also wanted to try writing stuff making use of his knight background like reader wanting to try swordfighting ig? or maybe trying to explore Silver and Sebek being trained by Lilia when they were younger (gotta confirm my educated guesses before i write smth)

++OH and there's also the art appreciation-flavor of reader insert fluff I can take!! mans is proficient in both the arts and physical activity sheesh 😳(now if only i weren't held hostage by a diff reptile🐍)

Unpopular opinion: Sebek isn't actually that loud? Idk... he reads to me as someone who's pretty level-headed 78% of the time, he is a trained knight and while he is highstrung, I think he can rein it in better than most of the first years, at least (in a reader insert, i'm not gonna write him very noisy, i believe mans shuts up if u make out sloppy style)

Favorite relationship: Tbh, I can enjoy most Sebek ships, he deserves to be drowned in love 😤 He's another one of those characs I love seeing in any ship art, ull never get me to choose one (1) out of em all!!

Favorite headcanon: CROC FEATURES SEBEK!!! the artists who draw him with scale markings and more reptilian-shaped eyes YALL HAVE MY LIFE🤧💕💕(but ig in a more reader-insert/shippy direction, i made this post++oomf replied to it to KO me comatose)

(send me a character and i'll yap about em)

[synonomy]

Fanfic Author Interview

Aw damn I got tagged in something! Thank you to the lovely @imsiriuslyreading <3

How many works do you have on AO3?

27.

What's your total AO3 word count?

347,553

Your top 5 stories by kudos/likes:

Ignoring the non-Marauders stuff, my number one is For My Impertinence, a Wolfstar A/B/O Regency AU. 91k words - 2,355 kudos.

And my second to fifth are just all the fics in my Truly Two series lol. Also a Wolfstar A/B/O AU, wherein Sirius never went to Azkaban and is raising Harry with Remus. 45k words - 3,457 kudos altogether.

Do you respond to comments?

Always! Though sometimes it takes me a while. Years in some cases lol

The only time I won't is if you're one of those lovely people who comment on every single chapter (when the whole fic is complete). Then I'll usually just respond to the first and last.

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

I wrote unrequited love once. For my OTP at the time. Don't know what possessed me.

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

Nowadays they're all pretty sappy. At 32 I'm just about out of my emo teen phase, finally.

Do you write crossovers?

Nope. Generally find them cringe.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Not really. One anonymous comment back in like 2015. Then on FMI I had someone aggressively complaining about the background Jegulus because I hadn't explicitly tagged it (which is fair enough tbh), but they were complimentary otherwise. I don't think they're gonna like what I have in mind for the sequel heh

Do you write smut?

Oh yeah. Honestly the rest of the story is just foreplay.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Somebody told me (that you had a boyfriend) that one of my fics was on Wattpad (lol) once, but I couldn't see it myself without an account. Pissed me off though; I rallied the troops to harass them and apparently the person took it down. Again this was like 2013 lol

Have you ever had a fic translated?

People used to ask me all the time if they could, but very rarely would I receive the requested link to a finished work. Although, to be fair, I sometimes wouldn't reply until like four years later, so... who knows? I think there's a couple linked to my stuff on AO3; if there's any others, they are posted elsewhere.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope. I imagine I'd fall in love with the person I could do that with happily (I'm generally a control freak with my work)

What's your all-time favourite ship?

I can't say 'all-time' 'cause the times are always a-changin', know what I mean? Currently it's Wolfstar, but I have been equally obsessive about many other doomed gays.

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I always think I'm never gonna finish anything. It's only when I'm literally in the last paragraph that I think maybe I'll have a chance this time lol. FMI was a huge fluke I think. Previously I always avoided doing chaptered fics because I was so certain I'd never finish them.

What are your writing strengths?

Uhhhhhh I guess I can do dialogue okay?

What are your writing weaknesses?

I overexplain. The 'show, don't tell' rule committed suicide because of me. Too many adverbs, too many commas, too much in general. I try reeeeally hard to be more subtle and succinct, but it's a constant process of reining myself in.

A fic is also never truly done with me. I'm still tweaking and formatting shit I posted like a decade ago.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I wouldn't do it unless I was confident in my ability to speak that language in that particular context in real life.

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

Jegulus as the focus (but I'll be trying my hand at that real soon, hoho!) Otherwise, Hannigram.

What's your favourite fic you've written?

Oh man there's this stupid little 4k smutty thing I wrote for bandom waaaay back in the day. And I like it mostly because I think I did really well at not being overexplain-y heh

This was really fun! Thanks again for thinking of me! I'll tag: @euripidestrousers, @theresthesnitch, @matildadaism ... I would do more but I don't know who writes and who doesn't lol BASICALLY if you want to do this consider yourself tagged!!!

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hi there! I wanted.. to ask, even though i KNOW all systems are different and it depends on the headmate themself too- i just cannot help but feel weird myself.. ( and feel free to make this a poll if you'd like? I don't mind any sort of responses ).

Is it- weird to want to seek comfort or be friends with, a factive / introject of someone whos hurt you badly? Specifically an ex partner. I dont moss them in that sense, so its not like i want to relive that. I just.. miss their existance. I know my headmate is different, and i should talk to them, but idk. It feels.. also kinda weird? Like "hey you sucked but its fine i have a backup one". Like ?? I personally.. would feel weird if i found out someone was dating or befriending a version of me in their head. ( which ik isn't in my control )

Hey, we had written a full response to this and then tumblr crashed on us. So we’re trying to piece this back together. Apologies in advance if it seems jumbled.

This is a bit touchy for us to put into a poll, so we’re going to try and answer it to the best of our ability. As always, anyone is welcome to provide insight, especially factives or those who have had personal experience with this sort of thing.

Honestly no, we don’t think it’s weird to want to befriend a factive or an introject of someone who hurt you. Introjects are people, and they deserve to develop and form relationships and just exist as themselves as much as anyone else. It’s not wrong or weird to want to get to know this introject for who they are.

However, it sounds like you’re having a bit of trouble recognizing that this factive is not literally their source. They are not a “backup” of your ex, and they are not personally to blame for any harm that your ex caused you. Many introjects feel hurt and offended when they are treated as their source. And no introject, no matter how connected to their source they are, is responsible for any actions committed by their source. They may look, sound, and act like their source. They may have source memories. But they are not their source, and they deserve to be treated with dignity and respect as an individual, first and foremost.

It might benefit you to spend some time away from this introject processing your emotions and memories surrounding your ex before you can be a good friend. Maybe therapy, journalling, and self-reflection could help. After you’ve had some time to process your feelings regarding this introject’s source, it may be easier to approach them in a positive way without assigning someone else’s baggage to them.

Also, you don’t have to tell your ex about this introject at all? We honestly wouldn’t recommend it, especially if that doesn’t align with the introject’s wishes or if you’re not in touch with your ex anymore. Yeah, some folks may find factives weird, but factives can’t help who they are. They shouldn’t be shamed or made to feel weird or wrong simply for existing. If that means their existence needs to be kept a secret from their source… idk we think that’s fine tbh.

We hope that one day you and this factive truly can reach a place where you can get to know each other on equal footing, and maybe one day become friends! Not everyone clicks or gels well with each other, so if that doesn’t happen, that’s okay too. As long as you’re affording this introject the space and agency in order to be who they want to be in life, we think trying to befriend them one day is totally fine.

Again, factives, y’all should take the reins in this sort of discussion. If there’s anything we said here that you feel is inaccurate, or if you have any further advice you can provide for anon, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

Anon, we’re wishing you and this introject the very best of luck with learning to work together and coming to terms with your history in the future.

[swanimagines]

Just a light warning that I haven't written anything for 1½ months now, and I have fics for only 4 Fridays left. My writing spark is gone completely right now and I don't know when it's coming back.

So, despite my enthuasism and believing in myself so strongly at the start of this year, it seems like I will once again fall silent after April 11 for an undetermined time and not fill my promise to post once a week at minimum throughout this year. Of course I hope that I will be able to keep my promise after all, but right now I barely have energy to open Tumblr. I'm really sad most of the time and just feel like slouching around. Opening up any of my wips makes me want to smash my keyboard against the wall. Even just uploading the Morpheus piece to AO3 last week was a struggle and I kept pushing it back because I just didn't have energy to post it/look at that fic. I have a temptation to upload my remaining 4 queued fics to AO3 right now in a bulk so I won't have to fight with it later this week again.

So, I'm sorry if your request will (again) get pushed back. I just don't have energy needed to do anything and tbh my old thoughts about quitting has also started to visit my mind quite often because I just feel so miserable when thinking about writing. My decision about Free Rein/Pin thing may also just be about this and not because I'm truly thinking that, but I don't know. I have a lot of things I want to do and don't want to do right now here but 80% of those temptations wouldn't be smart to act on and would chip away my blog.

And just a clarification, I'm not quitting because announcing that would just lead up to me coming back anyway (my oldest followers probably remember how I was feeling horrible for weeks and then made a big post about quitting and came back literally the next day, and it happened thrice... so yeah learned my lesson 😂 Though, back then it was because of trolls, nowadays there's other reasons that aren't related to you guys)

But yeah just wanted to give you a heads up about this.

[pdid-positivity]

I have recently been told I might be a system and PDID seems to fit what I experience decently well. With that in mind i just wanna say that being the host is very tiring. I find myself exploring this new thing about me and wishing that I have the ability to let other people take the reins for a bit instead of having to be in front all the time. Like people can cofront but they don’t seem to be able to front without me here and they seem to have to filter everything through me. the only times I can think of me not being in control of my body is if a traumatic event is actively happening. It’s just exhausting. I have to live my life and do my homework and write my essays but I am so exhausted by the prospect that I might be a system and what that means for me. I dunno where I was going with this tbh. I just want validation of my feelings I guess.

reading your ask reminded me when we were 15 years old, and recently discovered p-did as a label. a lot of the stuff you said reminds me of the mindset i was in when i was exploring my plurality. in a nice and nostalgic way, don't worry :3

being the host is so exhausting (a thankless job too, LOL), and being the host of a p-did system specifically makes it so much harder to explore one's systemhood. it is possible though! we were able to do it.

and you mentioned specifically your headmates only being able to cofront with you, and having to filter everything through you.

we've been able to get past this barrier before, and we've been able to *fully switch too. it takes a LOT of practice and trust in eachother. not just your headmates trusting you, but you trusting them. giving up front as a p-did system host can be *terrifying*, since we spend most of our lives as the one in complete control. it can manifest as an unconscious fear of losing that control too.

(*we personally prefer to function as a rarely switching system. and besides. switching takes so much more effort out of us than frequently switching systems anyways.)

only being able to switch while trauma is occurring is a VERY common experience, and is mentioned in the icd-11 entry for p-did! it has happened to us too quite a few times

it really sucks being the host sometimes. you gotta do all of the work, no breaks. crazy how singlets survive like this. crazy how i survived for so long without my headmates. even if it seems so overwhelming, i believe in you. and i believe you're doing the best you can in your situation

it can be really scary exploring your systemhood. it was fucking terrifying for me. i cried when i first heard of p-did because i was so scared that it fit my past experiences perfectly. i was scared what else it meant about me.

you seem to be in school, i don't know what grade level or if you're in college, but i'll say this: as much as you want to deep dive into exploring your system, if you're busy with schoolwork, then that should be your top priority. you can always do system stuff when you're less busy. (i have a reblogged post more in depth about this in the queue, i'll bump it to post sooner for you!)

thank you for sharing your experiences, and good luck with your system 💚

[equalperson]

on the one hand, I'm very neurotic, but on the other hand, I just have so much difficulty relating to outright vulnerable narcissists that I'm this 🤏 close to just identifying as a grandiose narcissist irregardless.

I see a lot of narcissists say things like "oh narcissism isn't about being some uncaring egotist, it's about constant feelings of inferiority and self-criticism and depression and perfectionism and a debilitating fear of failure!" and I just,. don't really relate to that?

I am an uncaring egotist TBH, and I only really hate Myself when My avoidant personality takes the reins and I have a shame spiral.

I say that I'm destined to succeed, that I can do whatever I want, that I'm the smartest and prettiest/handsomest and overall best person in the room at all times and--even though I disguise it as a joke most of the time--I fucking mean it.

I don't relate to the feeling that narcissism is just endless inferior suffering that's simply compensated for with grandiosity.

call Me anosognosic, but the episodes where I hate Myself feel much more like when I'm losing track of who I really am than My baseline self-aggrandizement ever has. even at My most shame-prone, I still felt this way.

this isn't to say that narcissism is exclusively this superpower or that it isn't disabling in any way (My severe mood swings speak for themselves), but just that. I don't know. I just don't experience Myself as this empty person masquerading as something.

if anything, I experience My narcissism much more similarly to how I experience My autism: something that has amazing strengths as well as some deeply debilitating pitfalls, that impairs My ability to use certain cognitive skills without taking away from My depth as an individual.