#people assume it is and moreso just about your predominant state

[equalperson]

on the one hand, I'm very neurotic, but on the other hand, I just have so much difficulty relating to outright vulnerable narcissists that I'm this 🤏 close to just identifying as a grandiose narcissist irregardless.

I see a lot of narcissists say things like "oh narcissism isn't about being some uncaring egotist, it's about constant feelings of inferiority and self-criticism and depression and perfectionism and a debilitating fear of failure!" and I just,. don't really relate to that?

I am an uncaring egotist TBH, and I only really hate Myself when My avoidant personality takes the reins and I have a shame spiral.

I say that I'm destined to succeed, that I can do whatever I want, that I'm the smartest and prettiest/handsomest and overall best person in the room at all times and--even though I disguise it as a joke most of the time--I fucking mean it.

I don't relate to the feeling that narcissism is just endless inferior suffering that's simply compensated for with grandiosity.

call Me anosognosic, but the episodes where I hate Myself feel much more like when I'm losing track of who I really am than My baseline self-aggrandizement ever has. even at My most shame-prone, I still felt this way.

this isn't to say that narcissism is exclusively this superpower or that it isn't disabling in any way (My severe mood swings speak for themselves), but just that. I don't know. I just don't experience Myself as this empty person masquerading as something.

if anything, I experience My narcissism much more similarly to how I experience My autism: something that has amazing strengths as well as some deeply debilitating pitfalls, that impairs My ability to use certain cognitive skills without taking away from My depth as an individual.