#this is me being vulnerable honest brave raw and real

[preciouspatriots]

asked my little sister to hear me out about opla helmeppo and she’s trying not to disown me

[chaoticclownage]

"I didn't realize you think so low of me."

God like I usually HATE the miscommunication trope with a fiery passion because typically it's something painfully obvious that could've easily been avoided and is usually a pointless stressor to elongate the plot but the way it's done with Stolitz is so real like this isn't tiresome tropey miscommunication, it's real world miscommunication. It's a very real scenario that is as complicated as it plays itself to be and it's so well done actually. Like, the perspectives the characters have are completely different because they're individuals with problems and experiences that have formed different views on themselves and the world around them and it's caused this major rift in how they view things. Stolas is a bleeding heart who has always been an honest individual and he doesn't treat his royal status as something to lord over others and tries his hardest to be as free of it as he can despite his obligations, meanwhile Blitz is an imp who has had a rough life and views himself as lowly, as something not deserving of love, as someone that someone like Stolas with all his wealth and power wouldn't ever spare a glance at romantically. Blitz's view is so tainted by his own self-deprecating view of himself and his self-sabotaging nature that he drives Stolas away because he can't even entertain the idea that Stolas would ever genuinely love him.

All up until the moment Stolas has to throw his feelings in Blitz's face and be as vulnerable as he can and say it to him straight. Which is painful. Even for an honest person. What Stolas did is so incredibly difficult for anyone to do because of how raw of an action it is. That level of openness with someone you aren't sure is going to be accepting of it is like trusting someone with a gun pointed at your head not to shoot. This kind of miscommunication isn't just an easy fixup or something that could've been avoided, nor was it unessesary for the plot. It IS the plot. The divergence of their characters and how those two experiences and their flaws clash with one another is the driving narrative here. Stolas being brave enough to let go of the rope he'd given up everything to hold on to, because it was hurting him. Blitz realizing what he was losing and how he was wrong. And Blitz being seconds away from apologizing after he got hit with the reality check he needed only to end up seconds too late.

[theflyindutchwoman]

That last scene was the perfect segue from last week's conversation. It continued where it left off… Only this time, they both allowed their vulnerability to come through. This was raw, this was real. No more pretense. No more hiding. They both voiced their fear. For Tim, it's losing Lucy the same way he lost his ex-wife. He's terrified of something happening to her, his relief when he saw she was unharmed was so palpable. For Lucy, it's living in the shadow of his and Isabel's past. And it was powerful of her to remind him that she is not her. It links right back to Tim telling that Lucy is different. And she is. She is aware of what she could lose. She is being open and honest. She was including him, not shutting him down. She stood her ground without dismissing his fear or the trauma he went through. And that's the thing : Tim needed to voice this so that she could reassure him accordingly. So that he could tell her what he needed in exchange. They needed to be able to communicate openly and honestly. The leap of faith he's taking is amazing to see. Opening himself up to being hurt again is such a brave thing to do. And Lucy catching him and comforting him was a beautiful thing to see. He's still the most important relationship in her life, that hasn't changed. They're still a team. And he absolutely needed to hear that, after the ghosts from his past started creeping up last week.

And again, it felt raw. And real. It's not magically tied with a bow. It's very much a work in progress and this was only one step. But it's one step in the right direction. For all the angst, there's something incredibly hopeful in this story as well : they still have a safe place in each other. They're in this together and to me, that's what makes their journey so special.

[oh-merthur-charm]

'If I can heal Uther, Arthur has given me his word that when he is King, magic will no longer be outlawed. This could change everything.'

'I live with the risk of being exposed every day. If I don't take this opportunity, maybe I'll spend the rest of my life having to hide who I really am. Everyone's always telling me I have this great destiny. Maybe this is it. I have to try.'

______________________________________________________________

I feel like it's this moment here, where hopeful, Season 1 Merlin shows himself to us one final time. It breaks my heart knowing how reserved, hopeless and alone he becomes in season 5. The friendship with him and Gwaine fading, him becoming obsessive over Arthur's safety rather than his own crumbling mental health.

To see him energetic, his eyes alive, with this very raw and vulnerable excitement of hopefully changing Camelot for the better, deeper still, his joy in not hiding anymore and showing his true self to Arthur. Just ALLOWING himself to be hopeful and not in a brave, steel resolve kind of way, but a real, honest and childlike wonder. He's not forcing himself to be hopeful here, he truly believes this is what could change everything.

Merlin's tasks, personal and prophecized are layered. Thus he looses his true self in the process. Here, he is hopeful for a self reason, here it's not about keeping Arthur safe as it's his job to for his prophecy. It's not him planning to stop Mordred from hating Arthur here. Here, he is excited about not having to hide himself anymore. Acknowledging that he wants more than just realising his prophecy, rather his homage to the druids. To restoring magic back, to being free and showing his magic to Arthur on a daily, safe basis. To not hide anymore.

It breaks me every time, how the walls finally come down after so long. We see the young Merlin again, the youth's ideals we thought had gone, finally comes back for one scene.

[bardcore-jaskier]

♡ My thoughts on Yennskier + headcanons ♡

(Edited post)

- What makes this whole thing so funny and exciting to me is that Yennefer used to think that Jaskier was just some annoying sing songy twit before. While Jaskier's dramatic arse used to consider Yennefer an enemy until she saved him from Rience XD XD XD

- I adored the everliving FUCK out of their scenes together in season 2! Their dynamic is so fucking good! AAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!

- Yennskier, the ship we didn't know we needed, but definitely deserved! Their chemistry is so fucking perfect and their dynamic works so well!

- Personally I think that this ship is actually, currently, THE healthiest and most wholesome one of all my Jaskier ships! At least as of season 2! (Even if Geraskier remains as my OTP)

- In Oxenfurt, when Jaskier and Yennefer got to know eachother better without Geralt's presence to distract them both, ever since they saw the real, raw and vulnerable sides of eachother and became friends, I couldn't help but notice how absolutely toothrottingly perfect they are together!

- Legit, and I kid you not! I can't picture Yennefer and Jaskier having anything other than that deep kind of connection where you know that you are loved, appreciated and adored, despite all your flaws. The kind of love where you know you're not alone, that this person is your family and will always have your back no matter what.

- Yennefer, despite being one of the most powerful sorceresses on the entire continent, treats Jaskier as an equal by the time Ciri gets possessed. (Bro, like even Geralt doesn't do that! Jaskier is his friend, sure, but I've never seen Geralt treating him as an equal.)

- Yennefer and Jaskier have a mutual respect for eachother, they trust eachother, they enjoy eachother's company. All of those things are A CRUCIAL part of having a solid foundation to build a honest, sturdy, long-lasting and happy relationship upon.

- From compatibility POV, they work together a lot better than Geralt and Yennefer did. With Jaskier, there are no djinn related consent issues, there wouldn't be any communication issues and he would probably be a positive influence on Yennefer's mental health.

- Whereas her relationship with Geralt was quite frankly chaotic, explosive, sometimes even toxic. It was built upon a shaky foundation of lust, djinn magic and exchanged favors. Like c'mon, their time together as an on-and-off couple mostly consisted of having kinky unicorn sex, trauma dumping, dealing with magical, gorey and insanely dangerous situations, then talking about said situations until they have a fight! Leaving eachother every time in the end because they can't seem to make it work long-term. They're incompatible because in canon, the only thing that finally made them stick together for good, was an orphaned girl in need of protection. It's not right, kind of like parents who are postponing their divorce until their daughter grows up :/

- Jaskier on the other hand, despite his magic-less ordinary humanity has a hilariously witty, optimistic, stupidly brave, highly empathetic, loyal and supportive personality. Yennefer would have an understanding partner who loves her, cherishes her, acceptc her for who she is without judgement nor pity. A partner who would make it his life's mission to help her see the good things this world has to offer, to make her happy because she deserves it!

- Damn it all, they both have been through enough, they both deserve a break. They actually GET eachother. I can already feel a drabble forming in my brain, set a week or so after the whole Voleth Mier shebang, Jaskier is struggling with PTSD and nightmares about Rience, Yennefer is struggling with guilt and shame because she put Ciri in danger. So while Geralt is too busy with Ciri's training to be there for Jaskier and he feels too betrayed to be in Yennefer's company, neither Yen nor Jask have anyone to turn to in Kaer Morhen, except eachother. Three months confined to a witcher keep together? Now that is a LOT of time to spend with someone you can be openly vulnerable around, bond with, heal and share joy with, unexpectedly falling in love....

- Yennefer too is an extremely good match for Jaskier, it's almost uncanny how much she completes him! Jaskier would finally have an understanding and loving partner who truly saw him when others didn't bother. And Yennefer liked what she saw, the familiar face of a simple human bard who offered kindness and compassion to strangers even if it could kill him. She saw courage, honesty, forgiveness and so much good, a collection of rare qualities she had never thought could exist within one single person all at once. After Voleth Mier, all that goodness was given to her so freely, it is still being given to her everyday, so she knows a treasure when it looks her right in the eyes with such easy warmth. She would make it her life's mission to cling onto him with everything she's got, to love and cherish him the way he deserves, to protect the only person she deems worthy of holding her heart!

- They have a lot in common too. From both having a knack for fashion, both being mischievous little shits at heart and both having high standards when it comes to personal hygiene. To also having similar tastes in both alcohol, humor, luxury and entertainment.....if Yennefer's kinky orgy party and Jaskier's reputation as the biggest slut on the continent is anything to go by.

- Speaking of sex, both of them having a high libido and exceptional skills in bed aside, they're fucking GORGEOUS people! Why wouldn't they find eachother attractive?

- Yennefer is basically a Goddess, beauty personified! She is elegant and breathtaking, everyone knows it.

- However, since a majority of the Witcher fandom usually dismisses Jaskier in favor of simping for Geralt, I can, I must and I WILL gush about how pretty Jaskier is! Cuz clearly some of them bitches be blind, Yennefer is one lucky witch!

- Jaskier is like only 1,5 inches shorter than his grouchy snowman friend. Meaning he is tall as all hell and he definitely isn't lacking in the muscle department either, that bard is jacked yo. His voice is soothing and his vocabulary is extensive enough to make the most experienced of whores blush from pillow talk. He has VERY soft looking hair and he has one of the most angelic fucking faces I've ever seen. His eyes are the clearest shade of blue and his expressions + mannerisms are absolutely adorable! Ok, I'm done gushing, onto the next point....

- Unlike Jaskier, I don't think I have a dummy thick enough of a vocabulary to express how much dopamine Yennskier fanfics give me, more specifically when their husband and wife act from Oxenfurt becomes an inside joke for them, leaving the rest of Kaer Morhen's inhabitants confused as fuck.

- Geralt getting a bit jealous? His brothers wondering when that could have happened? Ciri feeling bamboozled as well?

- It's all shits and giggles until somebody giggles and shits. It won't take long until their inside joke is no longer a joke. They already bicker like a married couple anyway XD

- I can not help but also headcanon Jaskier as not fully human. It would be sad if he up and died on his dear immortal wife. I don't necessarily picture him having chaos or other powers in this scenario, but when I do, I think that they would discover them together on accident.

[dumbdomb]

I also live in socal and I look for you when I’m out. I imagine telling you I saw your tumblr and that’s how I know you want this as bad as I do before grabbing you all over and dragging you somewhere a little more private. I’ld tell you Ild be your safe person and we could do everything together while my hands explored under your cloths, that I want to be a perfect service top for you before feeling for your wetness without asking for consent first, because be honest, reading what you write here it doesn’t matter, you just want my desire and I want to give it to you. You could scratch me or bite me or punch me to try to get me to stop but we both would know your hearts not in it, you want my desire and you only put up a fight because you want me to prove my care and lust and devotion. So take it it all. Tell me how you want it, just don’t tell me to stop.

what's funny is i'm never out without my entourage, like the ✨️ Princess ✨️ i am. you'd never get close enough to me, nor would i enjoy being dragged off somewhere... honestly, if you really want to prove yourself, then why would you move so fast? slow down and appreciate the opportunity you've been given. think about it. wouldn't it feel much nicer seeing me show up more often after meeting you for the first time?

it may not seem like it here, but i am actually very shy in person. i love when people i interact with are nice and helpful. maybe you'd offer to help get something off a store shelf for me and unintentionally brush my hand. after a while, we'd both be surprised to see each other at an event (and if you're more social than i am, we may even have a longer chat if you carry the conversation). each time we meet, we'd build more trust in each other, and i'd open up a little more... then, one day, you'd give me your number and ask if i want to be friends...

who could be a safer person to spend more time with than a good friend? i'd be so brave to meet up with someone i didn't really know and had no other connections with. you're just so nice and cute (no bad vibes at all. an honest sweetheart who may earnestly be trying to flirt with me, though i'm kind of oblivious to it). like, imagine meeting me and instantly and instinctively wanting to serve me, to keep me safe, to be with me everywhere i go, to take care of me...

maybe you'd convince me to meet up at the fair, and we'd have fun playing games all day. when i finally begin to let my walls down around you, i'd notice how comfortable i am with your small touches here and there - but you never get too handsy. until we have a moment alone together and you decide it's time to risk what we have built so far, to change our relationship forever...

i think if we were close enough, in our blooming friendship, you could easily rest your arm around my shoulders. maybe we've gotten into a habit of being that close already (how slow can you take things to become a real, meaningful part of my life?) you'd ask me if you were my favorite person and confess that you want to keep our relationship strong. you'd tell me how safe you feel when we're together and you want to do everything with me, truthfully admitting your vulnerability as your hand moves over me.

while i consider your thoughtful words and how i feel about you, my heart begins beating faster as you softly grope my chest to test my level of resistance. i'd probably feel quite nervous then, taking note of how close we are and being able to smell you next to me. without a quick answer, you'd reach over and have both my tits in your gentle hands - waiting for the moment i try to speak or push you away, just so you can reach under my clothes and fondle my big tits...

Read my pinned BEFORE you interact! 18+ only.

if you don't want it to stop, then don't try to force it. slowly build up the desire between us, prove your service by making me ache for more of you; let all the intimacy of those moments be sensual and vulnerable and raw. i need you to be my safe person, my best friend i'd do everything with, and i want all of your devotion to be Mine.

NO: lurkers, likes only, inactive, empty, or blank blogs. DO NOT LIKE MY CONTENT. DNI. ♥️

[philhoffman]

The year is off to a brutal start with this week’s Monday Philm: Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead (2007), dir. Sidney Lumet

This is one of my favorite films, and though it’s impossible to point to one single performance as “the best,” it’s among PSH’s strongest work in his entire career. He is relentless and unflinching.

If you’ve seen BTDKYD, you know it’s difficult to watch. As Ethan Hawke said, “Phil dropped a lot of secrets in this film, that are very present and very painful.” On set, he spoke openly and honestly about his sobriety and struggles with addiction, an integral part of his life and this character’s development. There’s also Andy’s relationship with his father, his sense of abandonment—a lot of very personal issues and experiences that Phil brought to bear on this performance. The result is honest, raw, gutting.

I’m a writer but it’s hard for me to write about this movie. As is often the case, looking directly at this performance can feel like staring at the sun. Without getting toooo personal here, last year I experienced another drug-related loss, an overdose death, and for a day or two it was hard to look right at Phil, photos of him, to hear his voice—it was too intense, I was too upset, too angry, too embarrassed. Watching this film for the first time since then reminded me of that feeling. I picked these shots from the film before I even started writing but maybe that’s why I chose them. His honesty and vulnerability in delivering such a performance hurts, and it means the world.

In the same talk I quoted above, Ethan Hawke spoke about PSH’s commitment to truth in art: “He said, ‘As a person, I might be a flawed person, but as an actor I will tell the truth all the time.’” He was more open and direct and personal, able to say things he never would’ve or could’ve said in real life. Phil’s relentless pursuit of truth has always been his standout quality to me, even before I really had an idea of what that meant. But he’s taught me so I’ve learned—it’s brave, it’s scary, it’s exposing and sensitive, it’s so generous. The level of honesty he put into his work has the power to change lives (even if it’s just mine, thought I suspect it’s more). Exactly one month from today will be nine years since his death and I just wish I could thank him—for everything, for being himself, for being more than enough. I really hope he knows the difference he’s made. 

“I’ve seen heaven, Gina. It’s a nice place to stay.”

This was an awfully rough one SO I will leave y’all with one of my favorite batshit behind-the-scenes stories: In the final scene, when Charles holds the pillow over Andy’s face, Phil genuinely could not breathe—and when he started panicking a bit, Albert Finney thought he was still acting! Absolute chaos! Imagine the TMZ headline if that had really gone south!

[ewanmitchellcrumbs]

hi hi ange~ i saw your post about feedback on your writing and i really admire you bravely putting yourself to be vulnerable, so i want to contribute and be so in return. this is a very long response that's not well put together, so i apologise in advance ::

i remember the first time i ever came across your blog very specifically because you were one of the first i came across when i joined the hotd fandom. vividly, i remember being in shock over the masterlist and how much you had! being extremely honest, i didn't follow at first because i wasn't personally interested in what you were writing at the time (a lot were requests at this point). i came across your blog again a bit later when looking for ettore fics, and that's when i started following you. but as i binged all of "Favours", i realised i really loved your writing. so i went back to the Aemond ones and decided to give it a try. honestly, i really thank and credit you to opening my mind to reading new things. I extreme on the submissive side, so the domming/pegging/etc is what made me hesitate following-- but because i realised i loved your writing so much, that's when i decided to read some just for curiosity and trying to explore new things. although i still don't think i would in real life personally, reading your fics is actually what made me branch out and be more comfortable and open with reading more of a dom-sided mc. so i personally would say that's a huge thing ! another thing that i really love about your writing is your dedication you put into it and the *detail*. i still remember you making a post talking something about drapes and what type they were; you googling them to make sure it was accurate for a fic, and it just took me aback because-- drapes ? it's not like you were writing an essay on it, i knew it wasn't going to be a big feature in the fic-- yet you meticulously searched details for the drapes !! i will never forget that because as a former writer, it made me go "well if i ever start writing again, i need to make sure i'm paying attention to details like that." i think that puts you in another league.

the third thing is the emotional depth you convey. your writing isn't an appetiser nor a dessert. it's a meal, and a full one at that-- sometimes heavy too. i'll be very honest, sometimes i have to wait a bit before i can read certain ones, but that's because i know that it will take me through emotional turmoil. there's something very raw and a learning discovery to your writing. the emotional knowledge you have is doused through your words you write and it really shows. to me, every one of yours that i've read never lacks an emotional depth. it's never just smut. "The Hand that Feeds" is one that i read and was just in shock by how much psychology is used to focus on the relationship dynamics. "Careless Words" -- i've sent you how much it got to me before; that one will always haunt me in such a resonating way. i love it and i hate it at the same time. my heart wrenches even thinking about it. it's not something i can just read again for shits and giggles. it's gut-wrenching and it's when i really want to be emo and lay in the rain (okay, a smidge overkill). i'm in love with it, but it hurts. i've also gushed to you about "Stuck on You" and "Hallowed". again, the detail and the psychology-- the smarts-- that go into that is just next level! "Rev. 22:20" is on my tbr, and i so, so, so want to read "Cozened Indigo" so badly, but it's one that i know i have to set aside and wait for until i'm in the right mindset to do so because of the emotional passage i know it'll take me on. your writing is not always easy to digest, which may not be some people's forte. but personally, i am so in love, in awe, and impressed by it. so while it might not be easy to digest, it is definitely fulfilling in my opinion, and it teaches me new things-- not just random knowledge, but also emotional and psychological which isn't an easy feat at all. as an old man who is one of my customers have said "a steak is different than a soup. both are great, but one's more filling... today i think i'll choose--" lol, some days he picks steak. others, it's soup.

i hope this brings some different insight and perspective. i'm so so sorry if this was too long or overwhelming (this is extremely long). i think you should feel proud of yourself and not compare to others. what matters is if you're happy and content with your writing. personally?? i think you're one of the best writers in the fandom in my opinion. i hope you're staying safe and healthy. much, much love to you, Ange. 🩶

-Hannah Montana anon.

This is so insanely thoughtful, and I absolutely adore you for it. Thank you so much.

It is reassuring to know that my prose is appreciated. I suppose when you see so many people that are mutuals/people you consider friends leave you out when being asked for recommendations you do start to wonder if what you're producing is something that's genuinely worth reading. You have a moment of "do I suck? Is anyone reading this?"

For me, rather than being hurt or offended by it, I use it as an opportunity to be more analytical in how I view my writing. I am my own harshest critic and even shorter pieces I put a hell of a lot of effort into. I've never actually asked for outside perspective before, and it's been interesting to see people's differing viewpoints.

I had someone DM me to tell me that my writing is good, but can sometimes lack emotion, as my background is in journalism, the tone can sometimes be objective. I would say I agree with that - my writing tends to be a little more concise sometimes, where perhaps other people's is more flowery/poetic.

Thank you again for such an in depth message. This was really lovely to read! Sending lots of love xoxo

[kaesileigh]

The harder lessons...

I am learning that:

I am not for everyone. Not everyone is for me. Energy alignment is vital. So often I project my desires of who and how I want someone to be FOR me and notice myself changing for them--changing to be who I think they want/are attracted to. No, stop this. I feel the betrayal to myself from these experiences deep in my soul. It's uncomfortable at best, excruciating at worst. A constant hustle. Sacrificing true connection to fill loneliness/to keep from feeling loneliness.

I am learning my patterns when I am stressed. When things are not going smoothly (aka not seemingly in alignment). When I am not honest with myself or others about my expectations. When I minimize things that I feel "shouldn't" be a big deal, while holding onto them on an energetic level...indicating that I am not regularly checking in with my body. I attend to my mental body, but even that has been stuck in a rut of habit and unconscious ruminating...or as Michael Pollan (How to Change your Mind) described as the [fuck! I forget the name for it]...the part of the brain that takes over on auto-pilot when conscious thought relaxes...but that's not productive. I strive to get out of "problem solving" mode -- to stop seeing myself as a "problem to be fixed". And get out of this constant unconscious cycle of self deprecation. "For the sake of humility" is really this false humility that's really self-imposed limitations that I was socialized into from a very early age. I aim to be more conscious when I fall into these mental patterns.

I am learning that it would be nice to develop regular rituals of self check-ins. Love letters to myself will help. Daily. Daily affirmations. Power pose. Gratitude practice. All the tools are there. Discipline. Making the CHOICE to change my neural pathways to a more fluid, open, creative, self-loving, loving in general flow.

I am learning that vulnerability expressed is brave.

That a messy house is not indicative of a failure as a human. (What an absurd concept)! Neither is getting into a financial hole. Or getting appointments confused. Or handling a conflict in a less than an ideal way. Or not checking off every box you have for that day...therin, we learn the meaning of grace. Of perfectly imperfect. Of good enough. Of divinely human. Of "welcome to the club". So many people talk the talk--glorify failure as opportunities to grow and make you stronger, etc...yet continue to craft this perfectly curated depiction of their lives on social medias...perhaps we need to curate more depictions of real. of flaws as beauty. Of self love through the real struggles.

I am learning that shadow work is not joke. And we don't always get to choose when it shows up...perhaps we can hold it at bay for a time, until it becomes too uncomfortable to ignore...but that darkness does not diminish the light, it defines it. It is our dark integrated with our light that creates the deepest depths and broadest breadths of our being.

I am learning that I must create. As frustrated as I get at the imperfection, therein lies a lesson. All that triggers us is a lesson yet to be mastered. Pay attention. And creativity can be used in the exploratory process. In the alchemizing of pain and discomfort. In the making sense of the chaos. In the beautifying the experience. That's real, raw poetry. Life as a work of art. Written in the living moment. A living, breathing entity not meant to be contained or controlled. Break free from the chains and cages of conformity. Keep writing until if flows. Keep drawing, cutting, moving, humming, meditating, breathing...it'll come. Patience. and movement. You can only plan so much before it begins to hinder rather than foster progress. Sometimes it's necessary to create a framework and then sometimes it's necessary to just act. Just get started. Create some momentum. So important to learn to discern what's right for me in any given moment. How does that happen? Intuitive check ins. Asking my deep wise self...consulting my council and trusting the guidance.

Practice this. Over and over. Learn the language of my deep wise self and my spirit guides. Learn the quickest way to connect with them. I've learned about myself that so often if I just start writing, answers will come. Wisdom will flow...it may take some time and some chaotic ramblings to get there, but ineffidably, nuggets of wisdom emerge.

Beauty.

Thank you for showing up time and again. Returning to the process time and again. Working through the shit. Determination. You are doing better than you usually give yourself credit for. Breath. Recognize small victories. Stop acting according to how you want to be perceived or believe that you will be perceived, trying to mitigate reactions and create a certain outcome. Act in the present moment with only the intention of being present with what is. Honoring what is. Loving what is. Open to love always.

Open to love always.

Loving what is.

The greatest teacher is the present moment; the only moment, in fact that there ever is. Gratitude for the lessons. Gratitude for the ever evolving moment. We get to begin again constantly with each breath. How cool.

[finexbright]

alright this is gonna be a bit long. anywaysss

if you were to pick a single date over the past two years, you'd honestly think it's been shitty. but. but when you look at it overall, as a big picture, as this beautiful canvas, then not only can you see the growth, but you'll also notice these little changes with louis and his career.

the fact that his social media was so manly manboy centric and now, it's filled with these little tour videos, which show just how lively louis is. you can see him being so playful, jumping, dancing, unabashedly.

you can see how much fun him and his team and his band and his supporting artists have backstage. they go get tattoos together and go go karting and have bets and play pranks on each other. you can never do these with someone you're not comfortable with. louis brings comfort with him, he brings this feeling of inclusivity in the way that he can make anyone from any background feel like they're part of the conversation, part of the group and i love him for it. he is much adored by all, and it's effortless. he's just himself.

most importantly, the abundance of pride flags. it's that soft but significant acknowledgement. he could have easily skipped those bits (he's skipped quite a few songs in his videos), he could have shown it once and be done with it. but no. in every single video you can see the sea of rainbows over and over again and that's pride. that's safety. that's warmth. that's inclusivity. and of course, it's relatability. sure. you can argue that there's so many pride bits because fans are bringing so many flags and so they're always visible and you can't skip them. but. but the thing is. you can, if you know anything about cinematography and editing, you know you can pick and choose the angles easily. but also. it's the fact that fans feel safe and comfortable and brave enough to bring these flags night and night again and hoist them up in the air. it's his soft smile, his little nod of 'i see you. i appreciate you. i am you.'

what warms me the most is that these videos, albeit for promo, show so much of the real louis that it's like a minor glimpse into his life. it's him being free. and i love that, i love how he's always been raw, honest and vulnerable with us and i am so, so, so proud of him always.

[sheisbeautyweareworldass]

Better days

Thomas has a nightmare, Alastair is there for him.

Words count: 1.783

TW: death mention

Author note: This is fluffy, very fluffy. I wasn't kidding when I said I was a softie. I know a lot of people love angst stuff so..... just letting you guys know <3

---------X---------

Thomas woke up sweating, gasping – his heartbeat sounding like a drum to his own ears. He rubbed his eyes, trying to shake away any trace of sleep from them. The room was still dark, dim moonlight coming through the window. He looked at the other side of the bed, where Alastair was sleeping peacefully. The last thing Thomas wanted was to wake him up with his ragged breath.

Thomas really wished he could go back to sleep, but he had no idea how. His mother always said that there was nothing that tea couldn’t heal – maybe the tea he’d drunk before going to bed was still warm? Or maybe he should go outside for some fresh air, and walk for a while – clear up his mind. His gaze followed Alastair’s frame next to him – it would be easy for him to calm down if his lover was already awake, but he would not wake Alastair up just because of a bad dream. Last night tea, it is then, he decided.

The taller boy was on mid-step when he heard a noise coming from behind – duvets moving and a sharp breath of someone who didn’t expect to be awake.

“Thomas?” Alastair said, destroying any hopes he had of sneaking out in secret.

“I’m sorry.” He turned to face his boyfriend. “I tried to not make any sound to wake you.”

“It wasn’t your noise who woke me up, hamsar-am, it was your absence.” He said calmly – his hand was resting on the spot of the bed where Thomas was seconds ago. The Lightwood boy felt his heart flip, as it always did when Alastair directed such words to him, warm content spreading all over his body. “Why are you awake?”

There was no point in lying, he knew. “Nightmare,” Thomas told him.

He watched the way Alastair’s eyes got darker in understanding. Thomas’ nightmares didn’t happen as often as they did in the first months after Barbara’s death, but they could always return – especially when he was too tired from the battle of the day before like he was tonight.

Alastair was silent for a couple of seconds, just looking at him, then he sat up, back against the headboard with arms wide open. “Come back to bed, Thomas.”

Thomas went easily, as if answering to Alastair’s call was his second nature. That’s what I needed, what I wanted, he thought, as his face sunk deep into the other man’s neck. Alastair smelled like coffee and wood - everything about him was warm and strong, in a way that made Thomas’ mind travel back to summer days in Paris and lazy nights next to their fireplace. In his honest opinion, everything about Alastair was a reminder of home, like a compass needle finally settling down and finding its place.

“You should’ve woken me up,” Alastair whispered.

Thomas shrugged. “You looked way too handsome sleeping,” He said, resting his chin on the dark-haired boy’s shoulder, hoping to sound flirty and playfully.

“And I would look way too handsome awake, azizam,” Alastair made no effort in hiding his eyes rolling.

Thomas also made no effort in hiding his smile. “I wanted to admire you,” he tried again.

“And I want to admire you too, Thomas. So, next time, just wake me up so we can admire each other simultaneously, alright? Don’t be selfish.” He said but there was no real heat behind his voice.

They stood like that for a few minutes, Thomas hugging Alastair’s mid-section, Alastair playing with Thomas’ hair and caressing his tattoo. It was a quiet night, the wind wasn’t too cold and no sound came from the streets. Peaceful nights were a rare occurrence to Shadowhunters, and Thomas mentally cursed the fact that his nightmares returned in what seemed to be the best night of the month. He heard Alastair’s almost inaudible humming next to him, a familiar melody that it took him a while to recognize as the first song he’d shown to his boyfriend.

For most of his childhood and teenage years, Thomas had been too thin, too sickly, too small to properly fit anywhere. Then, suddenly, he’d gotten too tall, too muscular, too big – and there was still nothing suitable to him. But in moments like these, when he and Alastair were curled up against each other, Thomas knew that he’d never been too small or too big: he’d always been in a perfect size to fit Alastair’s body.

He remembered the nights when he wondered if his curse was to never feel like he belonged to somewhere – if the feeling of lacking and excess would always be there. But when he looked at the shadows of their bodies melting in one, when he listened to their synchronized heartbeats, Thomas knew that his body had been made to fit right into Alastair’s frame, by his side, in his arms.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He heard him ask.

“Not really,” Thomas said. “I barely remember what happened in the dream, you know? Jus-just the pain? The desperation and powerlessness.” He blinked away the tears, refusing to cry.

He’d never been good in talking about losing Barbara. His parents and friends had assured him it would be okay for him to open up, to speak out about the pain, but Thomas didn’t think he could do it. He’d tried to put down in songs, in poems, to describe how it felt to have an empty spot on his chest – the voidness that would always be there from now on – but his words never seemed to capture the reality and the rawness of having a loved one taken away. It was a vulnerability he wasn’t used to and he hated how there was nothing that could’ve prepared him for it. More than anything else, he hated the fact that he couldn’t mend his mother’s heart, hated how the shadow between his father’s eyes would never leave and how Eugenia was now deprived of the company of her dearest confidant. It was like Thomas was 8 again, too fragile to have any power over how things worked – except that now he was older and bigger, but still powerless.

Alastair’s voice brought him back, “Do you want me to play the piano?”

They’d found out, by accident, at the beginning of their restored friendship, that Thomas’ restless mind felt calmer if he listened to Alastair playing the piano. It had been good, back then – but that was before they’d found out that Alastair’s arms could bring him more comfort than any music, and way before they discovered the effect of his lips. Still, it was rare for him to deny an opportunity to listen to the other man.

“No.” Thomas pressed his face deeper into the curve of Alastair’s neck. “We’re in the middle of the night, better not risk to wake the neighbor. Besides,” he grinned, “that requires for you to get up of the bed and let go of me.”

He felt Alastair shaking from silent laughter. “I don’t remember a time where you were clingier than you’re right now”.

That made Thomas look up, his boyfriend was sounding way too satisfied for his liking. “That’s very brave coming from you, Mr. I-Searched-For-Every-Potential-Date-Idea-In-Paris-Because-I-Wanted-To-Stay-With-You-The-Whole-Time.”

Alastair pinched his arm playfully. “I don’t record you saying no to my invitations.”

“How could I?” He could see that small, not-so-rare-anymore smile on Alastair’s lips, the one Thomas wished he could draw and get it tattooed on his other arm, on his eyelids, and on his heart. He leaned closer, “You were paying for everything.”

Alastair let out a surprised laugh, disbelief addressing his features before raising his chin up, using his more dramatic voice. “For someone who doesn’t want me to stop holding you, Lightwood, you sure as hell dedicate lot of time in tempting me to do it.”

Thomas made a hmph sound. They both knew that Alastair’s arms would stay around him as long as Thomas wanted to – but he tangled their legs together anyway. Just for assurance.

“Thank you,” he muttered against the man’s skin. He didn’t need to elaborate; they both knew what Alastair was doing.

His lover was looking at him, his black eyes glittering in a way that made Thomas shiver with adoration - even in the dark of the night, Alastair’s eyes were the brightest spot in his world. “We should go back to sleep now.”

He felt a brief kiss being deposited on his lips and another one on his temple. “We should. Believe me, you want to be at your best for your sister’s wedding.”

Thomas’ eyebrows quirked up, “Speaking from experience?”

“Obviously.” Alastair made a sour face, “but at least Eugenia is marrying a nice man. There’s no need to worry.”

Thomas grinned in response and kissed him one more time.

He would still have bad days, he knew. It would be foolish to believe that Barbara’s death wouldn’t come back to haunt him sometimes. She was his sister, his flesh and blood; he’d known her face before he’d learned to walk, had known her voice before even knowing his own. He would never stop missing her, and if at some nights the pain became unbearable, that was okay. Thomas looked at Alastair, whose eyes were already closed, another person who knew grief and loss. Alastair also had his bad nights, moments when his father’s yelling was too loud and his mother’s death bed became vivid red again.

At least they had each other. Thomas knew it wasn’t enough – wounds like the ones they had weren’t healed by kisses and hand holding – but it helped to have someone to carry your burden with, someone to listen to your words, and to be by your side throughout your journey of recovery.

They had other people too. Cordelia, Alastair’s most fierce defender was always with him, as were his own set of loyal friends. Thomas had his parents, his sister, and the brothers of his heart. They had a very exigent 2-years-old toddler sleeping in the room next to theirs, the neighbor who always made his presence known whenever he heard his brother playing the piano. They had a family, people with whom they were bonded by blood or by heart.

It wasn’t good to have nightmares and Thomas absolutely hated them, but he would always be grateful for the privilege of waking up in a reality where he was surrounded by so much love and companionship, a reality where the people he cherished the most were only a touch away. He entwined his hand with Alastair’s, allowing himself to enjoy the feeling of calmness. Thomas sighed and closed his eyes.

Tomorrow would be a better day.

---------X---------

Azizam: my love

Hamsar-am: my equal head

[bubonickitten]

Relistening to TMA yet again (new hyperfixation, what can I say), and I can’t emphasize enough how much these early episodes kill me.

Because for a long time, Jon doesn’t realize what he’s becoming. And yeah, that’s obvious -- but it’s even more heartbreaking on a relisten, because he senses that something is off, but from his perspective the changes are so incremental that he doesn’t realize how much he’s changing until he’s in too deep. 

He finds himself getting attached to this tape recorder (even when he initially hated it), but tries not to think too hard about that. He’s becoming obsessed with recording everything, and tells himself that he’s doing it for posterity’s sake. Jon is adept at using outward denial to hide his inner, nonstop, overthinking doubt. (Eventually it escalates to full-blown paranoid information gathering, which I think is where the Eye’s influence really starts to show, but more on that later.)

At first, it’s a safe half-lie (or at least not full-truth) to tell himself. He’s an academic, a researcher. He no doubt has a deep appreciation for the preservation of history, for the documentation of human experience -- that part is probably true. It’s how he makes sense of the world (and that started when he was a child, when the main way he interacted with the world was through books). And let’s be honest, the man is a nerd, and (I say this lovingly and with a tendency to infodump myself) he was probably prone to infodumping long before he became the Archivist. (Giving a Wikipedia summary of emulsifiers at a coworker’s birthday party, anyone?)

But beneath all that, Jon is just... scared. And Jonathan Sims comes to fear a lot of things, but one of his first fears was being forgotten. So it’s no wonder he takes so well to the compulsion to record, document, archive. 

Makes sense; he was, by his own admission, emotionally neglected as a child. And sometimes harassed. He chalked it up to being “a deeply annoying child,” which -- oof, no wonder he acts like an ass sometimes. Even if he was adept at social interaction (which he’s not), keeping people at arm’s length can feel a lot safer than letting them close and risking rejection when they decide you’re too much to handle. 

Point is, being ignored or ostracized was already painful, but it became his normal. Being forgotten, though, would be a existentially terrifying step beyond that. 

All of this is put into even starker relief after “A Guest For Mr. Spider.” At 8 years old he witnessed someone get snatched from the world without a trace – someone ten years his senior, who died because he made the choice to torment Jon and just did so at the exact wrong moment (or perhaps right? Maybe the Web decided that early that Jon was more useful alive). But despite the fact that it was his bully, Jon has survivor’s guilt over it. He feels responsible. He admits that it’s illogical for him to think he could have done anything  differently—he was eight—but he still comes out of that experience with the fundamental belief that being forgotten would be a unique kind of punishment that he believes even his bully didn’t deserve.

It’s such a raw, vulnerable moment when he finally admits it out loud: “Because I’m scared, Martin!” All that denial was external, and so fragile that it took one panicked moment for him to drop the veneer. But internally? Jokes about his obliviousness aside -- and, yes, in a lot of ways, Jon is that smart dumbass -- he’s got some self-awareness. He’s put two and two together, realized that the “real” statements don’t record digitally. He’s seen the artifact storage. He’s had a Leitner-based trauma, like so many statement givers. He’s just scared and he Does. Not. Want. To. Talk. About. It. 

He tries to hide it early on behind a cold, stoic academic demeanor, but that… doesn’t last long, and once that veneer drops, he absolutely spirals into open paranoia and fear. And going forward, he really doesn’t hide his terror much. When he’s threatened, we hear him beg for his life. Even when he thinks the world might be better off without him, he still doesn’t want to die. He’s afraid of death, and after S1, he doesn’t try to pretend otherwise. (I really appreciate a horror protagonist who shows fear even when they’re trying to be brave.) 

So, by the end of S1, we get to see him start to admit that his new obsessive behavior is not just a detached academic interest, or his workaholic urge to do his job well. It’s because he’s scared. But beyond that, through S2 and into S3, he starts to admit that beneath that, there’s something else going on. His rapidly escalating paranoia spiral is due to trauma, as well as the realization that Gertrude was murdered, as well as the general sense of uneasiness and distrusts that permeates the Institute (the Eye loves that shit), but also, honestly?? I think this is where the Eye starts to really get a grip on him. The Ceaseless Watcher, the fear of, in Gerry’s words, “needing to know, even if your discoveries might destroy you. The feeling that something, somewhere, is letting you suffer, just so it can watch.”

Beyond the tape recorder obsession, Jon doesn’t seem to notice early on that when he reads statements, it’s almost like he’s in a trance. (I think one of the first episodes where he starts to notice this is actually in MAG 32, when he’s reading Jane Prentiss’ statement. His introduction to the statement is shaky, stilted, like he’s dreading it; when he’s reading Jane Prentiss’ words, it’s like he’s channeling her tone and delivery in a far more extreme way than he has before; and when he’s done, he’s clearly unsettled by the experience.) 

(Another thing that stands out to me on a relisten is his tone shift when talking to Elias in MAG 40 -- he has an almost dreamy, trancelike delivery of the line: “Tens of thousands of... things without mouths screaming as one.” Like he’s reliving a flashback, yes, but there’s something else in his delivery of that line that continues to show up in his later spooky-Archivist-powers moments. And Elias pauses, and I can only imagine him thinking in that moment, all smug and conniving, Good. Jon is starting to become The Archivist.)

And, of course, Jon also doesn’t notice when he starts being able to compel statements--which is kind of funny, because my first thought when listening to early statements was, “How are all these statements so detailed and coherent? Did all these statement givers take creative writing classes or something?” But Jon doesn’t really seem to question that at first. It becomes more clear when the archive assistants try to take statements -- the statement givers can’t stay on topic, can’t remember details, can’t relive the moment in the same way they can if they’re forced to through compulsion. Adelard Dekker mentions that in one of his letters to Gertrude, too. It’s also sad, though, because he kept getting accused of forcing people to answer questions when he didn’t realize he was doing it (e.g. his interviews with Basira, Daisy, and Jude). 

It’s just... such a gradual downward spiral. And yeah, there’s something tragic about that--and it isn’t going to end well; this is a horror-tragedy story after all--but one of the things I like about Jon is that he works so, so hard to change and become a better person in spite of what the Beholding is trying to turn him into. 

I’m getting way off-topic. Basically, Jonny Sims is... very good at character development, and it’s fun to relisten and start to pick out the moments when things start to go wrong, the little details that maybe didn’t stand out so much on my first listen. Admittedly I, much like Jon Sims, have my own little conspiracy corkboard flavor of overthinking, so some of this might just be me reading too far into it. But still, I like all the layers going on here. 

[makeste]

literally just a giant post of Bakugou faces.

today, 4/20 (actually it is very much still only 4/19 over here, but to heck with it, we’re getting an early start dammit), is Bakugou Katsuki’s birthday. and as someone who loves Bakugou and who also hasn’t found much worth rejoicing about in April 2020 in general, it’s important to me to celebrate the shit out of this day. but these are strange times and I am le tired, and so what my tired brain ended up arriving at was “just do a post about how much you love his stupid face.”

so these are my favorite Bakugou faces. I stopped after Kacchan vs. Deku because this post was already like 100k words (slight exaggeration) with like 40,000 faces (slight), and because this already took forever and the next 130-something chapters were only going to have about one fifth as many good faces compared to the first 120, even though there are some good ones there still to be sure. but anyway, so there are no spoilers here. 

happy birthday Kacchan, and happy birthday to Kacchan’s angsty side profile with his hair covering his eyes.

why I like it: he scured.

lol but seriously. because up until this point he’s just been a complete asshole. even after he gets grabbed by sludgeman, he’s all “AS IF I’D LET THIS MUDMAN TAKE MY BODY FOR HIMSELF”, and he’s all feral-looking, and at first you’re like “eh he’ll be fine.” but then along comes this panel to serve as our narrator saying “he was not fine.” because he really is not. and on the page before this too, you can see how tired and desperate his struggles are starting to get. and absolutely no one is trying to help him. and he’s fighting, he’s straining, but he can’t. fucking. breathe.

and then this panel. and he’s just a kid. he looks so very, very young here, like this is the youngest he looks throughout the entire series except for in his flashbacks, and it’s because all the pride and bluster and anger are stripped away and he’s just a boy underneath it and he’s scared. “you looked like you needed saving.” exactly. exactly. and for Katsuki to actually ask for help is so rare. so you know that when he does ask (and he absolutely was begging for someone to come help him even though he couldn’t vocalize it. credit to Horikoshi for conveying all of that emotion in a single panel), he really, really needs it. thankfully there was one person watching who finally snapped himself out of that “a hero’s bound to come along soon” mindset that had everyone else gripped, and realized that he needed to be that hero.

why I like it: because he’s humiliated and fairly shaken up and also the most handsome he’s looked up until this point, but most of all he’s just chewing his lip and being all “god fucking dammit did fucking Deku really just save me, fuck my life, why is the universe fucking dumb.” like even after this hugely traumatizing experience, he’s incredibly resilient to the point where after he calms down, his lingering emotions are mainly just “smdh this is a new level of irritated even for me.” he is so brave and thickheaded and tough and absurdly, ridiculously petty jesus christ.

why I like it: like the old man said. his face just screams “I’m a rotten thief.”

there’s so much personality in this one expression. and then it’s juxtaposed against proto!Katsuki who I really desperately just want to punch in the face. just. my son my be a dick, but by god he’s an honest dick.

why I like it: baby?? cute baby??? mine?? my baby?!?

he’s just like. “I got it all figured out. gosh I’m so good at life.” that is the face of a child who has never encountered a single difficulty in his very young existence. everything is easy and he expects to be good at everything and he always is and he’s so, so pleased with himself. with a kid that little you really don’t want to go and shatter their dreams just yet, but maybe someone should have taken him down just a peg or two before it all got out of hand. alas. he was so cute that nobody wanted to and I can’t even blame them because he’s just that fucking cute, though.

why I like it: this is a very underrated panel which I think most people probably don’t even recall. it’s from chapter 11 just after he loses to Deku and Iida, and specifically right after Momo just completely lays into him and explains in vivid detail exactly how stupid every single one of his decisions was lmao. and it’s like he’s just had his eyes opened. he talks about her speech later, too, so it clearly had an impact.

there is no pride here at all. initially when I was reading this, I thought he was still shell-shocked. but looking back at it, and knowing what I do now about his unexpected willingness to accept criticism (something I certainly wouldn’t have expected during my first readthrough of this chapter), I think this is also a genuine “!” face as he realizes that she’s completely fucking right. YOU DONE GOOFED SON. but it’s okay because he learned from it!

also look how big his eyes are. when they get all wide like that. it’s so rare that I have to appreciate each and every time it happens. also he has no right to have such thick eyelashes. goddammit.

why I like it: because he’s strongest at his moment of weakness! because he’s upset but he learned from it! because he is such a strikingly human character with such complex emotions and there’s such a lovely mix of them on display here and that shit is my weakness! because this is when I signed the adoption papers (well, had them finalized after I initially obtained them after the “you looked like you needed saving” face in chapter 1, at least)!! because he always cries in front of Deku and doesn’t get embarrassed, but then he does get embarrassed if anyone else shows up! because his emotions around Deku are so raw and out of control! because the intensity of them is as compelling as it is confusing! but mostly because someone showing fierce determination while simultaneously showing intense vulnerability is basically the cheat code to unlocking my heart, and also the best thing anyone can ever draw in a shounen manga. thank you I’ll take infinity of them.

why I like it: because half of 1-A saw this face and instantly thought “fuck that’s hot” and then went “!! oh fuck me” but it was too late! that’s right kids. even knowing firsthand what a trashpile he can be, you’re still not immune to his charms. that confidence, though.

why I like it: the face of a boy who has just realized that holy shit, there are other people in his class. nothing gets past him. his reflexes are too fast.

why I like it: the slow motion (this is such a cool moment even if it’s at his expense lol), and the fact that this is such a weird and totally unique expression, and yet he somehow almost manages to make it look good. actually he does make it look good, let’s be real. of course, this was back when Horikoshi had more time to roll up his sleeves and really get into the art. look at all that shading goddamn.

why I like it: he cares!! he has feelings!! he has concern about someone other than him omfg whaaaaaat.

he’s so unsettled by what he just heard about Todoroki. the guy who was so strong and cool turned out to have an absolutely horrifying shounen protagonist past that he never let on about. honestly this scene is one of the reasons why I’m so strongly in favor of not interpreting Katsuki’s parents as abusive; because I just really like the character arc of him actually having a pretty good childhood, all things considered, but still having all these problems. because sometimes people actually do have everything going for them and yet they still screw up, because people are only human and sometimes you can fuck up (or be fucked up) even on easy mode! and if that happens it doesn’t mean you’re any more to blame, or more worthy of derision or scorn, or that you already had your chance so screw you, or any of that! anyway so that’s just such an interesting and relatively rare thing to explore and so I like it.

anyway. so just, the idea of him thinking of Todoroki as someone who had it made all his life, only to realize that’s not actually the case at all and that he’s actually the privileged one in comparison, just makes for a really great character-building moment. it’s a really big wake up call for him, especially given that he’s so often just wrapped up in himself and his own concerns still at this stage of the game. and it’s a moment that has a lasting impact on him and that he doesn’t forget, and it helps contribute to him starting to learn more empathy.

why I like it: my child is rabid please help.

but he’s so happy to have Ochako prove to be such an unexpectedly worthwhile opponent. she was sneaky and she nearly got him and he only just made it out by the skin of his teeth and fuck yes, that was awesome. he was really ready to throw down some more with her and it was gonna be the highlight of his fucking day. I just love seeing him acknowledge other people’s strength, because we know the value he places on being strong. so that’s a ton of respect from him, and Ochako fucking earned it, and this is just a great moment.

why I like it: just casually spittin facts and launching ships. nothing to see here move along.

why I like it: for everyone reblogging that one scene of shoujou!Bakugou from the anime over and over again, I just want to remind you all that as great as that scene is, we shouldn’t forget that in the manga he can be effortlessly handsome without even trying.

why I like it: as I said above.

why I like it: another one of the infamous “haah!?” faces. whenever he does these that one raised-eyebrow eye always goes so wide, and even though he’s trying to look like a pissed off thug it always makes him look surprisingly young instead.

also I’m not crazy for seriously wondering if Horikoshi’s art peaked all the way back in the sports festival arc though, right?? you honestly can’t find a bad panel even if you specifically go out and look for them.

why I like it: babyyyy.

I still don’t get how anyone could watch this scene and not get that he was way more upset than he was actually angry. he looks like he’s about to cry honestly.

why I like it: MY PRECIOUS SON’S ANGELIC SLEEPING FACE. all tuckered out. he’s had a hard day.

but seriously when you smooth out all of the >:O it is amazing how young he actually looks though. this one panel is shaded in such a way that you can see that he still has baby fat in his cheeks!! he’s just a little boy! HE IS A LITTLE CHILD LIKE THE REST OF THEM AND YOU MADE HIM PARTICIPATE IN THESE HUNGER GAMES AND HE KICKED ASS AND THEN GOT SAD AND YOU MADE HIM SLEEP AND CHAINED HIM TO A POST WHEN HE WOKE UP ANGRY AND TRYING TO BITE PEOPLE. anyways what a whirlwind of events huh.

why I like it: this child is literally trembling. he has been shaken to his very core. also for real though how did Jeanist even do that. anyways great internship or greatest internship.

why I like it: this is from chapter 60, right after he basically declares war on Deku and says he’ll crush him during final exams. then he turns around and is just like AND LET’S NOT FORGET THIS ASSHOLE HERE!!! and his eyes are practically bulging out and Todoroki just has his trademark “!!!” totally blank stare. this panel fully kills me guys.

why I like it: how was he THE CUTEST CHILD WHO EVER LIVED?? look at his little fists?! I can’t even deal with this???

why I like it: I actually like this one even more than the more iconic “the strongest heroes always win in the end” panel right below it, because in this panel you can more clearly see that he was crying quite a lot (he was only six!!), but it seems to me that it was more because of the unfairness of it than because he was hurt. even though he was hurt. but these jerks bumped into him and then acted like it was his fault, and it was two against one and he was much younger than them and IT’S JUST ROUGH YOU GUYS! LIFE IS HARD WHEN YOU’RE SIX! but he’s a little tough guy though so he scrubs the tears away in this very clumsy and boyish fashion because HE WON ANYWAY SO TAKE THAT! he is so little but already so determined.

why I like it: his eyes are just so intense all the time. even when it’s not an intense moment at all. also the dot shading here is so cool.

why I like it: okay so technically it’s the back of his head and not his face. but I feel like the fact that Kacchan was twitching and flinching and shaking too doesn’t get enough attention in this scene. he and Todo were both wigging out here and I love it. during the third light novel he also gets freaked out by the whole Disney Channel “we were telling a ghost story but now it seems like the story has come to life” plot that goes on at one point, just fyi. Kacchan is absolutely that kid who will refuse to watch scary movies just because “they’re dumb” and definitely NOT because he is scared, how fucking dare you sir.

why I like it: because this is the first of many scenes in this arc and the next arc in which he is freaking out but doing an excellent job of covering it up with his natural ferocity. he and Shouto have just come across one of their classmates’ arms lying in the middle of the path being chewed on by a villain in a straitjacket. his first reaction is to ask Shouto which of their classmates had been out on the path in front of them. he has immediately put two and two together, and he is immediately ready to throw hands with this dude, rules or no rules. but you can see the shading over his eyes though, and I think that -- along with the sweat visible on his face -- is a huge indicator of how horrifying this actually is to him.

why I like it: because this blank “processing...” expression that he sometimes gets when a lot of people are talking at once and he’s not really sure but he is pretty sure that he doesn’t like where this is heading, is my favorite.

why I like it: because even now it’s still ambiguous just what exactly was the prevailing emotion in these eyes and this expression, and the prevailing sentiment behind the “stay back.” I happen to think it was fear! not the same overwhelming, helpless fear as the 14-year-old who was caught up in the sludge, but a very on-edge, controlled-panic fear of a 16-year-old who’s trying to remain in control because he’s a hero in training now. and I think the “stay back” is the “stay back” of a boy who knows the look in that other boy’s eyes, and knows that it’s no use this time. it’s not protective, and it’s not hostile or defensive either. it’s just... resigned. don’t do it, Deku. that could have been the last thing he ever said to him, and it was measured and brave even through his fear and I love him so much.

why I like it: this is one which has to be viewed in juxtaposition with the panel immediately above it lol. Tomura looks like he could literally stare a man to death with those crazy eyes, and Kacchan is comparison just looks so ridiculously young and small and out of his league. but he doesn’t crack. but his eyes are super wide and even the shadows underneath them are stressed almost to their breaking point. like I’m screwed I’m screwed I’m so goddamn fucking screwed oh shit. my baby, guh. this was such a fucking scary experience though for real??

why I like it: same deal as above lol. this whole situation just keeps getting worse and worse, and here he’s just probing for more information while simultaneously trying to buy himself more time to think of a miracle plan. there really isn’t much chance of him getting out of here unscathed at this point (or at least there wouldn’t have been if the heroes hadn’t shown up), but I don’t think he’s letting himself think about that yet. but I’m sure it’s there at the back of his mind all the same.

why I like it: this is my favorite Bakugou face ever. SO MANY EMOTIONS. All Might came to save him! his hero!! he beat the bad guys (or so they think for that brief moment anyway) and it’s all okay now! he was alone but now he’s not anymore and All Might is there! and he is relieved, and he actually lets his guard down to show it for just a split second! his lip is trembling! I don’t think he even realizes for a moment, and then he does, and he immediately goes all tough guy again and the moment is gone! but while it’s there! it’s so much! I have never so badly wanted to hug a fictional character in my life.

why I like it: don’t you think this person could one day inspire thousands of others. do you see this courage in those eyes. the way he pushes past fear and panic and fatigue. don’t think, don’t doubt. just win.

why I like it: by now you have probably detected a pattern of me liking all of the Kamino faces because he was going through so many emotions that for once the walls just couldn’t keep up. he always looks so much younger when he’s not making >: faces. everything just smooths out. I also like that Horikoshi never makes his expressions symmetrical; he almost always has one eye wider than the other, eyebrows doing different things, stuff like that.

also this is when he sees All Might’s true form for the first time, and you can just see it hit him like a punch to the gut. All Might weakened; All Might weakened because of him; All Might might lose (!?!); All Might might die???? Katsuki’s entire world is falling apart in an instant, and in this moment he’s just a little boy.

why I like it: it beginsss. the angstening.

he’s not even resisting the hand guiding him. none of his usual unruliness or general aura of barely-checked rage. he just looks tired. and completely lost in his own thoughts. which as we now know were not good. I cannot fucking believe we had to wait another 25 chapters after this to finally get this kid a damn hug.

why I like it: because Bakugou Mitsuki is fulfilling my (and dating sim!Momo’s) lifelong dream of ruffling Bakugou Katsuki’s (spiky yet fluffy!!) hair. and all he can do is just chew his lip and halfheartedly glare at her all “mooooooOOOOmmm.” he doesn’t even really look pissed off here (because it’s hard to be mad when someone is talking about how worried they were about you and how relieved they are that you’re safe now, especially when that someone is your mom who isn’t normally the type to be so open about this kind of stuff at all), just begrudgingly grumpy. and I swear to god his bottom lip is made of fucking rubber the way he moves it around, just look at it.

why I like it: those eyelashes though!?!? [grabs Katsuki by the shoulders and shakes him roughly] WHY ARE YOUR EYES SO PRETTY.

why I like it: this is right after he found out he flunked the license exam, and you can see how upset he is. obviously we now know that shortly thereafter he went and had a complete meltdown. and buddy if you keep grinding your teeth like that, your dentist is also going to have a meltdown.

and yet again Horikoshi manages to strike this uncanny balance between making him look pissed off and making him look like he’s trying very, very hard not to cry. he just failed, again. it’s like the whole world is screaming at him over and over again that he’s not hero material at all.

why I like it: because he drags Deku out to the middle of nowhere and is all “I know you have All Might’s power and we’re gonna fight”, and Deku protests, and you expect Kacchan’s reaction to be just about anything other than what it actually is. this is as close to pleading as Katsuki is ever going to get. he may not be drowning in sludge but he is still desperate.

why I like it: this may be the best Katsuki that Horikoshi has ever drawn.

why I like it: super ultra mega unpopular opinion: I like this panel even more than THE PANEL!! that follows shortly after it. I am a sucker for when Horikoshi does this thing where he shows Katsuki’s face from a side profile, and his eyes are covered by his hair so you can’t see his full expression, but you know it is something vulnerable because he only ever does this when Katsuki is trying to hide his vulnerability. I could make a whole separate post just about these hair-covering-eyes faces lol. but out of all of them this is my absolute favorite. I can hear Okamoto’s voice acting in my head just looking at it.

why I like it: because it is THE PANEL. he finally broke completely; he let the walls fall away; he couldn’t hide it any longer. he’s so unbelievably torn up about this; he hates himself for it and feels like a failure; he’s lost and doesn’t have the faintest idea how to find his path again. he ended the Symbol of Peace. he was weak and wrong, and Deku was strong and right, and he can’t even hate Deku for it anymore, he just wants to understand what it is that he keeps doing wrong, why it is that he keeps failing.

why I like it: it’s, uuuuuh, angst.

lol it’s funny because at the beginning of the series, it was always Deku who was always crying at the drop of a hat. and to be fair this is still true. but Katsuki also cries way more than I would ever expect a rival character in a shounen manga to cry. and specifically he has cried every single time he’s had a dramatic and overly emotional altercation like this with Deku (and that’s three separate times now). is it because he’s always felt like he has less to hide around Deku? or because his Deku Emotions are so much more intense and volatile than his other emotions? at any rate, whatever it is, if this happens one more time (and I guarantee you it will too because A Certain Someone still hasn’t officially made an apology yet) he will officially lose all authority to ever call Deku out for being a crybaby again. meanwhile poor All Might will just be beside himself. I’m sorry dude, both of your children are just like this, you just gotta deal with it and accept their feelings.

why I like it: HE FINALLY GOT HIS HUG, BLESS.

and more hair covering his eyes! and chewing of the lip! and his head is bowed so much here, he fully allowed himself to be pulled into this hug and to accept this gesture of comfort for once in his life, just for a moment! after everything he was feeling, everything he was beating himself up over, All Might comes and tells him it’s not your fault. and there’s still so much guilt there, but he needs to hear this so badly that he accepts it all the same. meanwhile he is also CRYING AGAIN!? because this was the chapter where Horikoshi said “I am going to put all of the angst and cathartic conflict resolution into a single fight and it’s going to be the best thing ever” and it really was. do you even understand how much I love this. do you??

why I like it: OH GOSH I FORGOT ABOUT THIS, THIS IS MY OTHER FAVORITE KATSUKI HAIR-COVERING-EYES PANEL.

oh no. he’s ruffling his own spiky fluffy hair. he’s tired and he’s beat up (and whose fault is that lmao) and he’s learning all kinds of new things about himself today. he’s got basically nothing left in the tank, but for the first time in ages he has his path laid out in front of him again and he knows the way to start moving forward. he has been absolved of his guilt, the guilt which was eating a hole away inside of him. and all of a sudden he realizes -- it occurs to him -- hey, All Might finally admitted it, he really did give his power to Deku. but it’s still a secret though, isn’t it? it’s important, isn’t it? and so he tells them, hey, look, I get it, I won’t say anything, you don’t have to worry. it’s partially gratitude -- he owes so much to All Might and it’s ridiculous, that’s a fucking debt right there, and this is the least and only thing he can offer right now in return -- and it’s partially just... the right thing to do. like, common sense. honorable and shit. and it’s not like it’s a big deal or anything. but just, let them know.

I love his side profile so much and I love his hair and his ear and the scuffs on his face and his beaten up hand and his hunched up shoulders and him being soft and trying not to show how soft he’s being and he is precious.

BONUS:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY HANDS IN POCKETS GRUMPY TRIANGLE EYES ROVING FERAL HOG SON, I LOVE YOU.

[accio-lo-ki]

an attempt on ranking harry styles’ entire discography

this was hard. 

-

from the dining table - his most raw and vulnerable musically and lyrically; paints a straightforward, clear picture and uses repetitive lines to effectively emphasize honest emotions; fave lines: “even my phone misses your call by the way” and “comfortable silence is so overrated”

meet me in the hallway - baseline trumps all his songs in my honest opinion; almost goes hand in hand with from the dining table, which is fitting given as this song opens the album and that song closes it; musically and melodically one of his best and most unique; fave lines: “we don’t talk about it / it’s something we don’t do / but once you go without it, nothing else will do”

fine line - i remember in vivid detail the first time i really processed and listened to this song; i was in the shower and it came on shuffle, and i was so shocked that it was harry styles i was listening to because i had never thought that he would do this kind of folk-indie sound that i admit i was a fan of. made me cry. lyrically on of his best and the build up in the production is amazing. fave lines: “put a price on emotion / i’m looking for something to buy / you’ve got my devotion, but man i can hate you sometimes”

golden - one of the best from fine line; the contrast between the upbeat melody and the melancholic lyrics is amazing; i’m especially fond of the repetition of the line “i don’t want to be alone,” i feel like it sends the desperation and fear across clearly and subtly; fave lines: “i know you were way too bright for me” ; “i know that you’re scared because i’m so open”

sign of the times - i will never get over how this man chose a six minute rock ballad as his debut single and called it “playing safe.” this song is easily a classic and i can see it transcending time akin to bohemian rhapsody and the like. fave lines: “you can’t bribe the door on your way to the sky”

to be so lonely - easily the best musically in fine line; the guitarlele is such an edge and the melody is outstandingly complex; plays with his self-deprecation perfectly the way he failed to do in falling. fave lines: “i’m just an arrogant son of a bitch who can’t admit when he’s sorry”

adore you - literal pop perfection in terms of production and musicality; putting a (albeit simple and basic) guitar solo in the bridge of a pure pop song is refreshing and brave; lyrically simple but the overall song makes up for it. also hints at his self-deprecation which i always like. fave lines: “you don’t have to say you love me / you don’t have to say nothing / you don’t have to say you’re mine”

only angel - there’s something about this kind of style that brings out the best in harry’s voice. the nearly one minute choir intro is simply deranged and perfect. a lot of strong lyrical points. fave lines: “i’m still the only one who’s been in love with me” ; “broke a finger knocking on your bedroom floor / i got splinters in my knuckles crawling across the floor” ; “i must admit i thought i’d like to make you mine / as i went about my business through the warning signs”

lights up - musically one of his most unique; the combination of modern and traditional sounds in the production is very well done; his tone of voice in this is also very unique. fave lines: “lights up and they know who you are / know who you are / do you know who you are?”

watermelon sugar - perfect mix of mainstream bait and still being a really good song; production is amazing and the hype is well-deserved. fave line: “getting washed away in you”

kiwi - the perfect tour song; a lot of good lyrical points; the bridge is amazing; this song really brings out his vocal abilities. fave lines: “such a pretty face on a pretty neck” ; “it’s new york, baby, always jacked up / holland tunnel for a nose, it’s always backed up” ; “she sits beside me like a silhouette / hard candy dripping on me ‘till my feet are wet”

cherry - not quite as raw and vulnerable as from the dining table, but lyrically still honest and paints a really clear picture. minus points for the generic lyrics/ rhymes in the chorus but the great verses make up for it. the build up in the production is once again amazing. fave lines: “i confess / i can tell that you were at your best / i’m selfish so i’m hating it” ; “i noticed / there’s a piece of you in how i dress / take it as a compliment”

she - a nice attempt at an omniscient voice; superior vocals in the chorus; the guitar solo is once again basic (not in a bad way) yet hits so hard. i’m always a fan of specific place or time in the lyrics as it makes the song seem much more real. fave lines: “sends his assistant for coffee in the afternoon / around 1’32 / like he knows what to do”

sunflower, vol. 6 - the production in fine line hits its peak in this song; there’s a lot going on but it somehow works. lyrically underrated. fave lines: “my eyes want you more than a melody” ; “i couldn’t want you anymore / kiss in the kitchen like it’s a dance floor” ; “tired eyes are the death of me / mouthful of toothpaste / before i got to know you” ; “i’ve got your face / hung up high in the gallery” ; “your flowers just died / plant new seeds in the melody”

treat people with kindness - the chorus grows on you, but it’s really the melody and his vocal in the verses that sell this song. not for everyone. fave lines: “all we ever want is automatic all the time / all we ever want is auto all of the time”

carolina - another vocal highlight; the verses are better than the chorus. fave lines: “there’s not a drink that i think could sink her”

canyon moon - musically could be better, but the lyrics are outstanding. a nice attempt at a more poetic, lyric-focused song. fave lines: “quick pause in conversation / she plays songs i’ve never heard / an old lover’s hippie music / pretends not to know the words"

woman - his vocals and the production in this is what makes it work. it’s not a bad song–it’s really good actually–but it just doesn’t stand out in his discography. fave lines: “this thing upon me howls like a beast / you flower, you feast”

sweet creature - this is also a very good song, but compared to his discography, it’s apparent that he still wasn’t that comfortable and is still finding his own sound when making this. takes a lot of inspiration from the beatles’ blackbird. this just doesn’t scream “harry styles’ song”; it could easily have been another artist’s. fave lines: “i always think about you and how we don’t speak enough”

two ghosts - another one where it’s a good song but it doesn’t have his signature style yet. also, if there’s any song in hs1 where he’s definitely playing it safe, this is one of those. has great lyrical moments. fave lines: “tastes so sweet, looks so real / sounds like something that i used to feel / but i can’t touch what i see” and “this was all we used to need”

ever since new york - another good song that just doesn’t stand out. the dynamics are better live than in the studio version. fave lines: “choose your words cause there’s no antidote for this curse” and “there’s no water inside this swimming pool”

falling - okay. if there’s one harry styles song that i can throw away and pretend doesn’t exist entirely, it would be falling. not that it’s a bad song. it’s alright. but i feel like this song is textbook mainstream bait and it shows, especially when compared to the other songs in fine line / his discography. the first two lines in the verse (I’m in my bed and you’re not here) makes me want to cut my ears off with how generic the lyrics and melody are. i’m sorry. i’m only this harsh because i know that harry is better than that this song and that line. also, going back to vulnerability and self-deprecation, this one tries but just fails to land. the “vulnerabilty” is too in-your-face to feel genuine. again, not a bad song because he doesn’t have any, but this is pretty close. fave lines: “what if i’m someone i don’t want around?"

-

so. agree? disagree? feel free to send me your thoughts!

[babygirlwolverine]

i think you're really brave. i always admired the fact that you aren't scare of admitting that sometimes your life isn't perfect or that you doubt yourself. i know some people may say that you're trying to make yourself look like a victim or that you're whinny, but the truth is that you have a kind of courage that not many have. be kind to yourself and always remember that you're one of my inspirations to try to be more brave. you're one of the best of us and i'm so proud of have found you and your blog.

you-you think im brave? i just- i just wanna- im- literally lost for words. I dont think anyone has ever really called me brave before. I’m honestly speechless right now. I just- wow. thank you. truly, thank you. I cant express how much it means to me to hear someone admires that fact im open and honest about my struggles and that i can admit my life isnt perfect and that i do doubt myself. ouch to the fact that there may be people who think im playing victim or whining. but yeah, i do genuinely try and be honest and raw with yall. I struggle with a lot of self doubt, and a lot of feeling like im not good enough. and sometimes i feel like expressing that makes me… human? idk. sometimes the voices in my head just get so loud, and i dont really have anyone or anything to drown it out, and i let those fears and insecurities swallow me whole. and i look at my writing, or i look at my school-work, and i think, im not good enough to be here. and sometimes, just like being able to put those feelings into words and post about them… helps? like it’s validating in a way for me to put a post out there and be like “these feelings are real and this is my personal journey and i want yall to see there is a human behind this blog” and i have struggles and i sometimes don’t see myself the way others see me. I know it sounds silly, but my sister recommended a song, it’s called ‘treat myself’ by victoria justice and yeah that actually genuinely sums up how i feel. I sorta try and put so much good energy and happiness and good things out to everyone around me, but i dont treat myself with that same love that i treat eveyrone else with. anyway, im rambling now. but i think it’s important to be vulnerable, and to know there’s people here who genuinely care about me and can show me love when i need a little comfort, that’s everything <3 thank you endlessly. Thank you for saying I have a rare courage <3 i swear hearing you say that just made me feel so loved and accepted and i just wanna hug you right now. I promise to try my hardest to be a little kinder to myself. wait wait wait…. My brain just short circuited. I’m one of your inspirations? Oh my god. Now im truly hugging you so tight right now. I admire you so much and i wanna give you all the love in the world <3 lets be brave together, yeah? holding your hand right now <3 i literally cannot wrap my mind around the fact you see me as an inspiration to be more brave. I’m literally going to hold this ask close and never let go. Ive never felt so special before, and this just utterly made my entire week. I’m sending you so much love right now. I definitely dont think i qualify as one of the best of us, but the fact you think that is mindblowing and im gonna treasure this comment forever. Youre proud of me and my blog? Oh, im crying so much right now. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you. Im proud of you. Im showering you with all the goodness in the world right now!

Confess something you’ve thought about me on anon!

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, SE02, Ep22

I was pleasantly surprised that this was one of the best balanced eps concerning tohru as of yet!! They touched upon her being mom-figure in the first half but proceeded to humanize her afterward, depicting her as normal girl!, frustrated, vulnerable & somewhat silently struggling. I was right in my prediction that the moment yuki lets go of mom-tohru image, the show will too!! I’m happy!! finally, No more angels in the sky. But only real tohru with flaws, ugliness & humanity.

-Yuki’s acceptance of past feelings & change towards new ones:

The show is aware that they’ve been using the fake love-triangle initially but it actually has an explanation within the story. Yuki is attracted to tohru, so much, but it isn’t romantic at all. his attempts in “correcting” how he perceived her didn’t set right with him & he felt weirded out more! The show brilliantly depicted these “flirty scenes” with a hint of uneasiness. Yuki’s lines/ moves felt cringey & artificial “do you like my act, princess”,”I’ll kidnap you”, being encouraged by Aya to compliment tohru as a boy should. The signs are all there except not in your face, & the writer deserves praise!! Yuki, being perceptive, was able to reach such conclusion, not only by looking into himself, but by also at looking how kyo interacted with her, differently from him. Kyo sees tohru as a woman & is attracted to her romantically & altho kyo’s words & interactions with tohru lacks princely smoothness & have a hint of awkwardness, it was natural, genuine & spontaneous. Kyo didn’t put on an act or forced himself to flirt or deliberately chose words to impress tohru. Yuki was able to notice tohru only looked romantically towards kyo. Yuki used all his observations to reach another conclusion abt himself too!!! What he wants in a relationship is sth similar to kyo/tohru!! Mutual & equal relationship. He won’t be satisfied by one-sidedly giving or taking.

-The Author’s brilliance in writing traumatic-based behavior ( Kyo/yuki’s best interaction!! ) :

-an anon cryptically warned me that I’ll be disappointed in kyo this ep cuz of a certain scene with yuki. After watching it, I can tell you without a doubt I’m not disappointed at all!! Rather I’m beyond satisfied that I’ve decided to trust the author. Ms. Takya is genius in depicting traumatic-based behavior! Any other writer, would write the scene less raw, yuki would still shine defeating his inner demos, but kyo would only grunt, or say sth mild. cuz the writer might fear that it might risk showing kyo as the stupid guy behind in his growth compared to the successful yuki ,or annoy the readers/viewers who are so eager for these boys to reach mutual ground. Only a great writer will be brave enough to write kyo as his trauma/ faulty copying mechanism logically dictates!

-We spent an entire season with yuki, saw him yell at kakeru’s insensitive hurtful remarks, cry knowing he was saved cuz a friend risked freeing him, it took a locked dark room, paint fumes, PTSD, tons of monologues before yuki finally let it all out! & you want such brilliant writer to make kyo turn around & be nice to yuki all of a sudden after episodes of fights & no perspective insight? You bet such amazing writer will give kyo’s perspective its time & his development the logical progress he needs. This writer is all abt logical & realistic progression! whether positive or even negative, the characters will come across human, raw, realistic & real during & after their journey.

- Going through kyo/yuki’s dialogue, it will tell you that furuba is NOT abt friendship saving the day, or abt successful growth. It is abt the journey these traumatized children are undergoing now that they are nearly becoming young adults. Yuki’s journey was amazing not cuz he succeeded (as amazingly as this is) but cuz it made sense from his perspective, was realistic, logical, matched his coping mechanism & character traits & it took the needed time. Now for kyo, all his reactions should match his perspective, & make sense giving his coping mechanism. He wasn’t given time yet. so, he won’t grow much yet. “Making a fool of me?” kyo didn’t see yuki’s perspective abt the hat. he thinks yuki did it on purpose to taunt him.That HE saved tohru while kyo fails as always. “Praised by others, needed by them” Kyo like everybody in school, always thought yuki is a prince, loved, & admired. Kyo is not the audience, he didn’t see yuki’s struggle.”surpass me easily while I struggle” kyo may train for years with tears & blood, but the rat will beat him always cuz he is superiors. “an idiot that never gets anything, wants an idiotic impossible thing” “if only I gave birth to the rat, I’d ve been happier” kyo’s mom wished or the impossible. So did kyo. He wished that he’d prove to her that he can be the rat’s equal. She shouldn't have died becuz of him. An impossible wish.

-I personally think that kyo’s journey will take a different path from yuki’s. Unlike yuki, kyo’s been accused & proved to harm others somehow, intentionally or unintentionally. Some not even in this world anymore. So there are things in kyo’s journey that can’t be fixed. Nothing will bring his mom or kyoko back to life. He can’t apologize to them. There is NO forgiveness here as kyoko said!. Hence, the writer will brilliantly make kyo fall so hard & reach rock bottom so bad before he stands up again!! It matches his personality too!! He’s a person who struggles in expressing himself verbally, gets overwhelmed with emotions, stubborn, hard on himself & fiery in nature. Moreover, due to his trauma, he harbors very low self-esteem & due to his guilt, he is drenched in self-loath.

-The addiction of destructive coping mechanism ( Writing Brilliancy):

Kyo has one of the most destructive coping mechanism in the show. Similarly to what his father did by illogically dumping all the blame of the mom’s suicide on 4 year old child, which resulted in hurting kyo, kyo adopted his dad’s ways & dumped it all on yuki. Illogical. wrong. but it works!! it numbs this tingling sense of guilt, it puts the voice that goes “ you’re unforgivable” temporarily to sleep. All the hate is on someone else. not me. I’m not a monster. does it work all the time? NO. cuz NO drug does! All drugs has this temporary effect, that unless you break away from, will end up destroying you. “don’t you want it that way? you wouldn’t want to have anyone to hate?“  I’m still confused if this is kyoko or his mom. It has kyoko’s hair, the words are very harsh. Kyoko from kyo’s perspective shifts between extremely kind & cruelly harsh! but regardless, the truth has been spoken. Kyo’s eyes are opened. He can’t force blind himself anymore. he does NOT hate yuki. he “ acts like hating yuki is sth you needs to do”, as shigure said! hating yuki is his way to escape from his destructive self-loath. He hasn’t been hating or fighting yuki for a long while, he tries now, one more fight, one more dose of the drug, let the pain go away! Nope. Yuki is not participating, yuki is in the light now. You are drenched in the darkness, as unforgivable as you are. Monster eyes & all. Kyo breaks the window to break away from the memory. from this point on, it escalates to rock bottom as the drug is no longer working & hating himself with no escape is all he’s left with.

-Protecting leading to hurting:

yuki brings kyo attention that while he’s been hard on himself & resisting change, he is hurting tohru. Sth kyo chose confinement in oder to NOT do. Kyo being distant from class activities “life” is his choice. Tohru suffering is a consequence to that choice. Kyo, once again, overwhelmed by tohru’s desire to include him in their activities “ life”. Helplessly & painfully looking at her & acknowledging yuki’s words. Kyo in one of his most vulnerable moments, matched only by true form hug scene, is desperate for a hug. Not only cuz he loves her, but cuz he needs her, cuz he’s so tried of himself, cuz she’s so endearingly stupid waiting for him all by herself when she could’ve easily caught him home!! Ugh! tohru! T_T. Except this time, kyo is aware of his surroundings, it’s school, no place for transformation. As kyo decides to change his position from hug to head rest, he stares so intently in her eyes. Embracing her with his presence. For a moment there I felt weird. Like I was intruding on a personal moment between two ppl. XD. This moment was this excellently weird mix of tenderly romantic, bittersweet cuz they cant be together hug, & sexually tensed! one of the most successful kyoru moment that truly depicted emotions visually without needing much dialogue!

Side Notes:

kyo/yuki interaction was their most honest, filter-free & raw moment! each said what he really felt. yuki’s directly telling kyo to complain to him, which kyo did. yuki urging kyo to see that punishing himself hurts tohru.

I appreciate that Yuki won’t tell tohru now, cuz it will ruin their progress towards a better balanced relationship. Tohru’s lid hasn’t even been touched, so she would be cautious interacting with him. But once she opens her lid, her self-worth increase & her desire to focus on herself more is ignited!, she’ll listen to him without taking his burden as hers. just like kakeru did. Equal friends.

I wanted to talk deeper abt machi & yuki, but didn’t want it to be overshadowed by kyo’s analysis. Next time for sure!

I love how the writer included the most spontaneous flirting moment between kyo & tohru right after yuki explained that he saw her non-romantically. The writer wants the comparison to be clear cutting ties to any love-triangle misunderstanding that might linger from previous scenes. Moreover, it showed yuki fully & genuinely accepting kyoru!!

I’ll never be over tohru acting like normal teenager & chasing kyo, trying to catch the script!!!! These small moments while having not much effect on the grand plot, help depict tohru with her own feisty style of stubbornness beyond the one-sided kind image we always see.

This ep has well-written & visually appealing scenes. Visual imagery were well-implemented in kyo/yuki scene & kyo/tohru last scene.

Thank you anime for drawing tohru older, pretty & more mature in the final scene. She looked like a woman in love & silently in pain. My baby is growing!

Why is kyoko holding the hat in KYO’s flashback!!!! she’s wearing the same white dress from yuki’s memory?? What the heck is the hat’s story?!!!