#this is maybe tmi but i think i also have diarrhea

[famouslysleepy]

Personal Life Complaining Time!

you know of all the side effects to get besieged by from my first dose of the rabies vaccine (<- this is a very recent state requirement of vet tech students but luckily my school could afford dish out their own vaccines with the costs just being added with the tuition i think instead of dealing with the upfront costs from like cvs i guess)

i gotta say the muscle aches and joint pain are definitely the most annoying and inconveniencing side effects for me personally

cuz ya know considering my default method stimming typically involves pacing around sometimes physically jumping up and down and generally moving my body around a lOt

i’m handling it well enough i guess but MAN it’s super annoying to feel like my muscles are telling me “WOAH SLOW DOWN THERE Ain’t nobody told you to STRETCH first?” meanwhile all i did was literally just stand up or increasing my walking speed just a little bit or hold my hand in one position just a sec to long

like siggghhhhh can’t i get One Weekend free of body shenanigans like my period had to gall to start and end during my thanksgiving break just last week now this?

[maleexperience-blog]

5

What's the point? Here it is: I started feeling sick about two days after. You know what came to mind...an HIV infection. Oh, I have a prescription for PrEP. I know the risks. I had not taken my PrEP in well over a week, because I hadn't been having sex. I took two tablets as soon as--we'll call him Big Bro--hit me up. So between the time I took a double dose of PrEP and the time he spermed me (fuck yea), only about an hour had passed. I couldn't tell you if that's enough time for the components of Descovy to deposit into my cells. Maybe. But you know how it goes (or do you?): when you feel desired, when a dude who can validate you gives himself to you, when you are the object of his erection...because let's face it: an erection to a man is more than an out for his sperm. No, his erection is comfort; it's safety; it's freedom to be. In the absence of any three, there is no erection.

So, yes, when you are the object of a man's erections and his affections, and it's the "right dude," the right dude who makes you feel validated, desired, affirmed...yea, so much goes out the window. Trust, I wasn't thinking much if at all about whether Descovy had bathed my rectal cells or even been absorbed beyond my stomach walls at that point. One *might* call this compulsive sexual behavior, one *might* call it sexual addiction, even. It can be either, I suppose, depending on your school of thought, but what it can also be? Is deprivation, of space, of freedom, of connection; and the need to utilize whatever time and space I have in this moment to connect in ways men are deprived. So what does this mean? 1) I should really take my PrEP more often; 2) I placed myself and my body at risk in exchange for a powerful, albeit fleeting, intimacy with the masculine spirit. Perceive that how you will, but take note nonetheless, that the power of the masculine spirit reconnecting with itself, is powerful. This wasn't no mating dance. I don't have female brain in a male body. We weren't making no baby, bro. We are two men, who seek the bond we are denied.

I am not sure if HIV is a reasonable space to go in my head, but is it really irrational? Given what disgust and shame we have inflicted on male-male intimacy? To think that after an encounter with a man, healthy looking or not, to think, somewhere in my mind, at whatever level of consciousness..."could it be HIV??" Looking at my symptoms now and the social / occupational contacts I've had, it seems more reasonable to assume I just have COVID; the new variant seems to have a GI element moreso than previous variants (I do have diarrhea pretty bad, smh...TMI, my bad). I'm taking PEP nonetheless. Fortunately I have access to some Biktarvy; *no*, I'm not advocating PEP as a leading solution to prevent HIV, nor am I touting it as even proven to be effective. *Studies are pending.* Shit, though, it's a tool nonetheless.

As much education as I have and as much as I know about HIV, its spread, its effects, its treatments, its progression from a death sentence 50 years ago to a manageable chronic condition today, the power of an intimate encounter still can shake my sensibilities. And honestly? some part of me is saying, "it's fucking worth it." I said what I said; you can read it again.

[yennie-fer]

1st miscarriage: https://www.deviantart.com/faithwalkers/art/Miscarriage-865213383 2nd miscarriage: https://www.deviantart.com/faithwalkers/art/Miscarriage-The-Lost-Rainbow-888137225 Sharing our whole experience with this 3rd miscarriage. Be warned, compared to other times I have shared this, I have become a very bitter person. I’m very broken so yeah. Be warned. Didn't think I'd make another artwork in regards to this. But here we are. WARNING: There is TMI talk, trigger warnings For those who don’t know, we have lost two babies before this one. These losses are our only offspring. Today, we’re talking about our recent loss: Chily. Reason for that name was the most cravings I had was chilli and tomato stuff. We unfortunately don’t know the gender and I’ll get to that later on. I’m so devastated with this whole thing of not knowing!! 11 weeks!! I should know, right?! Don’t mention surrogate, adoption, ect. I don’t wanna hear it. It’s very inappropriate. If your relative had died, would I tell you to adopt a new one? Get outta here. Surrogate is very triggering for me. All I’d feel is jealousy that I can’t have the bond with a baby that way. I will not be answering those types of comments or messages because I will blow up. So please delete or unsend anything like that. There are other types of treatments, but I rather not think about it right now as seriously, THIS HAPPENED LAST WEEK. Don’t say try again. I really don’t want to think about it this time after having such a horrible experience. AND PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, refrain from saying “I’m sorry” “God needed them.” stuff. It’s so draining at this point. Please don’t come at me about my anger towards God with it all especially if you don’t understand. You have no right to say anything. My reasons are valid. I’m suffering from a lot of trauma. My whole life has been full of it so I can’t even get a break. I am not in the place to have anyone sympathize with me. This is raw feelings of anger and depression. This post is informative for people who may need it or come to understand the depth of it. Anyway… I will share you our experience. Before anything started with the bleeding, I was noticing my pregnancy symptoms were disappearing. Although, it was hard to tell as this was the furthest I’ve been along. There was a 50/50 chance of it being normal and not normal. In my case, it wasn’t normal. I always had it in the back of my mind that this would happen again. Even though I filled the colored boxes per week that “I can do this” I prepared myself for the worst so I could hurt less. I wish that were true as our experience with the ER wasn’t the greatest. I’ll get to that. So the symptoms I’ve noticed disappearing was the sensitivity in my breasts, the morning sickness, and loss of appetite. As a reminder, I have been very anal on taking my baby aspirin and prenatals every day. We don’t know what happened. One day, I told my husband, “This pregnancy is weird. I hardly crave anything.” Before, I had more food aversions but that also had disappeared a little bit too. And there was another incident where I had painful pregnancy diarrhea. I heard that was ok too, but just never know. But after being on the toilet, I touched my belly. The uterus part was sunken in. I don’t remember when that had occurred, but maybe that’s when Chily was dying. So come New Year’s Eve. I was in the mood and it was around 11ish pm. Sorry for the TMI, but we made love. Immediately afterwards, I started bleeding pink blood. So I was like oh, this happened faster. Because last time, I had it. It was normal. I had the ultrasound after the fact. Baby had a strong heartbeat. So before anyone says anything, no, sex didn’t cause this. I had so much blaming on myself with this. I thought it was the cause. I’ll get to that later. Anyway.. so I went to bed… but I woke up at 4AM. Something was off this time compared to last. I had a thick, red clottish thing. It wasn’t a clot, but it was thick blood. So I started panicking. Now, this was when I was starting to figure something was happening. I’ve prayed to God daily to not have me go through it again because I wouldn’t handle it. I prayed for protection of the baby and to have things normally. I guess my prayers were in vain. They always are when it comes to desperately wanting a life to be saved. I’ve learned that when I was 13 years old and lost my sister to cancer. It’s still the same old thing these days. Hard for me to see a miracle… But even then, I was trying to relax. I did my anxiety reducing exercises and it REALLY helped. My cat, Mew, she was acting strange. The strange feeling where she acted like every time a baby was dying. She knew the time I was pregnant to the time baby was dying. So I go to bed, trying to not think about anything. I think both my husband and I were in denial in our own ways. Both our emotions were tense. For the right reasons anyway… I fell asleep and had many nightmares. even before this incident, I’ve dreamt of losing this baby too. I try not to think about my dreams, but sadly, they come true when it comes to miscarriages. I’ve dreamt I was bleeding. I dreamt I was saying it’s happening again. The most vivid dream I’ve had, I was shouting out the window towards the heavens. There was an orange cat there. Not sure if it means anything, but, I screamed to God, “God, Don’t take this one too!!” Then I woke up to mild cramping. It was front to back. The cramps radiated down my legs. I shoulda put myself on bed rest that day (Saturday now), but I saw the blood was turning brown and lighter. Thought it was fine, but it wasn’t. 5PM: I was spotting a bit more brown right onto the pantyliner. I want to tell you, MOST cases brown is normal. HOWEVER, don’t let brown on a pantyliner think things are ok. And then Sunday morning came… Why didn’t I call anyone? Well, the gyno’s closed. Every time this friggin happens, it’s on a weekend!! I can’t believe it… So Sunday morning was when things were turning south and I had no clue. It was still brown, but I wiped and saw mini clots and tissue. I was starting to believe something was wrong, but again, denial. Then it turned bright red. I wanted to not believe it. Then, January 3rd came. January 3rd, the day the miscarriage was starting to commence. I’ve called the gyno first thing in the morning. My anxiety was peaking. They made a note and said to still keep my appointment on the 7th. Come 12PM, I was bleeding thicker with more thick tissue. I was cramping front and back more. Some of the cramps became somewhat severe. I called the gyno. My heart sunk as they told me to go to the ER… This ER experience had been nothing but awful. The wait time was torturous. My pains kept coming and going. It was packed because of COVID cases and other stuff. The beds were filled. It wasn’t like our other times we were there. Last two times, I had priority and went in. An hour later, they did bloodwork and a urine test. The lady came for the urine an HOUR later. So now it was about 3ish. Two more hours of waiting and I’ve started to have contractions. They weren’t as bad as they were with our last miscarriage daughter’s, but it was pretty bad. I went to the bathroom, but nothing there. I thought it was strange how the bleeding was stopping and I was in so much pain… Finally, I heard my last name called in the bathroom. I didn’t bother washing my hands. (I sanitized them as soon as I got into the room) But I couldn’t walk. It was too painful. They grabbed a wheelchair and I was off. In the room, I was able to get into the bed to finally lie back. The waiting room chairs were SO uncomfortable to sit in for hours. And yes, I did take my prenatals and baby aspirin. It didn’t matter at this point. So the doctor came into the room to check it my cervix was dilated. I was in too much pain at this point and said I couldn’t do it. Sadly, my ER doctor had to leave the room and go help a trauma patient. I was already crying a lot because I heard my hCG was at 6000. Now if you look at the charts online for 11 weeks, the hCG is no where near that. Our baby’s levels were going down. I was devastated. </3 So, my husband and I were hopelessly in the room. I groaned and had a heavy need for some painkillers. The contractions sucked. Just like with our last angel baby, I felt a pop. It hurt. Last pregnancy, I had that with our daughter too when going into early labor. I would feel a hot gush of what I thought to be blood coming out of me. “It’s happening…!” I cried out, remembering the awful feeling of losing our two other babies. Our first one, Jellybean, the water didn’t break. I just massively soaked a pad in seconds. I thought that happened with our daughter and this one. But I finally figured it out it was indeed my water breaking… I was confused, at first, to see no massive blood. Like I was with Rosalina (our daughter)… so I went to touch down there to see. Clear, watery liquid. It soaked my panties. “I think..my..water broke…” i stammered to my husband. More denial. I can’t remember when but they gave me throw away underwear to put on a new pad. Practically useless for later on. And then, I felt like I hadda pee pretty badly. He helped me to the bathroom and I locked the door. I wished I didn’t go alone because I didn’t think this would happen. I tried to pee, but I’ve felt pressure. A lot. It actually stopped my urine stream. This was a first for me. But I had that familiar feeling when I passed our daughter at home. I hated to do this in the hospital bathroom!! I took the toilet paper as a futile attempt to catch what I thought was the sac. (It was the placenta WITHOUT the baby but I found out later on.) So My hands were soiled in blood. Blood was all over the floor. I felt helpless as i cried, seeing what was in my hand. I saw something else in the toilet and wanted to see if that was our baby. I kept calling for my husband like an idiot. The door was locked and I was tempted to press emergency. But I motioned myself slowly to the door. Using my elbow to open it. Thankfully, the bathroom was right next to my room. I was panicking as I needed someone to salvage whatever was in the toilet. I was given a glove to dig in the toilet. All I saw was a clot… But I feel like I should have look more thoroughly. I dunno if I had flushed the baby down the toilet. It’s still friggin haunting me because I really wanted to see the baby somehow. this was one of the parts where I thought I might have passed Chily. And so, I was taken back to the room. The throw away underwear was getting soaked. I was getting so much pain. Took forever for them to bring me the pain medication. At this point, I’ve had no food nor water for awhile now. They didn’t even put fluid IV in me. Which would have been friggin nice. I was severely dehydrated. The last two hospital visits for our previous losses, they had given me IV. Anyway, so the nurse came in and she discovered I had no IV for my medication. You can see how very chaotic and disorganized the ER was. It was a nightmare so I can kinda not fully blame them for some stuff with the chaos. But the IV was put in my upper arm. I was kinda scared since I never had it up THAT high before. It hurt, but it wasn’t so bad. What freaked me out was my arm was turning friggin purple from the band. I was freaking out to have it removed. So she did. My dang hand was looking a little shriveled up. They gave me three meds. One for nausea. One for inflammation. And friggin morphine. Look, I have never taken morphine in my life and I hated it. I felt very confused and hot. It made my anxiety rose. It was a rush. I hated it. Wouldn’t do it again. We were told the ultrasound was going to be brought to us, but it wasn’t… So the door was kinda creaked opened and I saw the bathroom across our room wasn’t cleaned. Felt bad for this guy who walked into it to see my blood massacre in there. Just to hear him say, “Omg…” I had a clot trying to come out, but it was stuck. They put a bowl underneath me for me to pee and push it out. I couldn’t. I couldn’t pee at all as there was like a blockage. i was finally wheeled to the ultrasound room and I was pushing. Just nothing. Morphine made my pain go away, but I still would never do it again. So I went into the ultrasound room. Got onto the bed and something came out of me. The lady wouldn’t lemme look to see if it was baby or not. I dunno why the frig she didn’t. Like what would hurt if I were to evaluate it myself?? So she phoned the doctor to come look. She was the good doctor who was always honest and kind. I wished she was around to do the whole thing honestly. She told me it was a clot and that’s all. So she left me with the ultratech lady. Did topical ultrasound and she said there was huge clots inside me. She had me use the bathroom to push it out. This was where she was helpful. She had taught me how to breathe and stuff to release the clots. SO MUCH came outta me. Now, I dunno if baby was among it all… she set up a toilet bowl thingy to catch everything. I had large clots that were size of a lemon and other sizes. She reassured (lied) to me that she would have the doctor come in to evaluate to see if baby was in there. She had no containers in the room to move it to the next room. I hated it because she was nice and I friggin fell for it. I did a pelvic ultrasound and pain wasn’t so bad with it. She had to see if there’s anything leftover. Return to the room with my husband in it… a couple hours later, the doctor came to get me discharged. I’m like wait… what about the stuff in the room? What about the baby?! A look of confusion washed over her face. Wow. Guess what? Ultratech person didn’t tell her anything. The doctor didn’t evaluate it, the ultratech lady DID. Why did she when she needed the doctor to look at the big clot yet she thought to look herself?! Even when I told my gyno on the phone, they seemed surprised they didn’t gather anything over there. So I gave myself a lot of self-blame from that. I wished I could have looked more thoroughly or even myself in the ultrasound room. I’ve talked to my therapist so she made me feel better about that. When going through something traumatic, it’s understandable. We finally got discharged around 11PM after being there for 10 hours. Went without food and water for 5 hours. So recovery from Tuesday-Thursday had been rough. Not many know how someone is able to recover after a miscarriage. You still bleed, have pain and very weak. I’ve had peeing issues because of being severely dehydrated. My blood sugar was low. Everything with that is ok now. January 6 was the worst day. I was having so much pain. I’ve passed more clots and tissue. We’d like to believe the tissue is the baby because it looked similar. So maybe it was or not. I’m going with was because it helped give us more closure. Anyway, recovering sucked. I could hardly move. Using the bathroom hurts like someone stabbing my butt. I can’t do dishes, laundry and other simple things. My husband and I get overwhelmed with it. He has work to do and I understand that. Our friend has been great. He had vacuumed our house and did the dishes. So very thankful for him. A lot of people who hadn’t been through it doesn’t think about that stuff. Well, now I’m telling you. It’s easy to say you’re here to talk to us, but when it comes to needing help with things, the harsh reality is you’re alone. I don’t like asking for help. Not at all. Maybe it’s the fact I wanted people to awful as I’m sinking into postpartum depression and feel ashamed. But yeah, don’t feel guilted into helping just because I have addressed it. Again, this is a informative post. If you ever have a friend who goes through a MC, I can’t stress it enough they would need help in a physical way. Anyway… so my update for January 7th So they're doing bloodwork on my husband and I to see if there's any problems between us... they want me to go back on birth control after my first period were to come. And then they will do 3D ultrasound on my uterus to also see it there's a uterus issue. They brought up adoption if there's actually no hope so I dunno. I don't have to do weekly bloodwork. I'd have to do a pregnancy test hCG is done to see if it's negative then start birth control pill when period starts. The bloodwork they’re doing is chromosome (for both of us) and lupus (me). The 3D ultrasound will be done after my first period. It will see if my uterus is abnormally shaped… or if there’s any other issues causing it. They will check for blood issues. I dunno. I am feeling sad even though they're trying to get to the bottom of this and I feel like my body's so broken...and just mentioning adoption I dunno anymore. They figured since the last baby had genetic issues, this one did too. And the first one didn't form properly. And the gyno asked me if I still have the pregnancy tissue and she said she could take it but they're already at the funeral home so that made me cry too. We don’t have answers yet. But we will… in time. Sigh. So I hope whoever reads this is more informed. This isn’t fun and I already feel the postpartum depression hitting me. I’m trying to fight my mind and it’s rough. And if anyone is insensitive, I will block you. Not sorry. In conclusion… Even though we never found out Chily’s gender, we still love them whether they were a girl or boy. :( I really felt they were a she. But we don’t know. Sorry, there’s a lot of emotional conflict in this whole post. And please help me to know what to do with postpartum depression. It’s already hitting me. Thanks for reading. Here's the brutal part of the story. IF YOU WANT THE RAW DETAILS OF THE STORY. IT IS GRAPHIC SO BE WARNED: https://community.whattoexpect.com/forums/ttc-pregnancy-after-a-loss/topic/not-sure-if-this-is-the-end-for-our-ttc-journey-heres-our-miscarriage-story-127285325.html

Video: https://www.tiktok.com/@yenniefer/video/7052444082894867759

[skullsandwineglasses]

The Day of Becoming You (2021) Review

[SPOILERS AHEAD]

Honestly, I can understand the hype and why this drama got high ratings on douban. Imma give this drama an 8.5/10. I think the highest I’ve ever given a drama is a 9/10, but those were usually for historical/fantasy dramas. I really enjoyed The Day of Becoming You. 

The body-switching trope is such a tired plot gimmick. I didn’t even consider watching this drama until I heard about the positive reviews, and so I was curious as to what the hype was all about. I’ve never watched the lead actors in anything before, so I went into this drama with minimal expectations. 

The first episode was slow. The male lead is in a boyband and the female lead is an entertainment journalist. Not really my thing. The chemistry was minimal too. Very meh. Nearly dropped it. 

But then after a few episodes and a series of events, they switch bodies, and Steven Zhang’s acting begins to pique your interest. I was slowly drawn in and continued watching it to see where it would go. His mannerisms are really good, from his vocal control to his posture to his gestures. He really does feel like two different people. Liang Jie is good too, but Jiang Yi’s character also isn’t difficult to emulate. To “be” Jiang Yi, she mostly just speaks in a monotone voice and stuffs her hands in her pockets to emulate the “masculine” stance. However, I do think Jiang Yi is a bit more complex and nuanced than the typical stoic and brooding ML, but Liang Jie was believable enough as Jiang Yi. 

They also switch back and forth several times (and I won’t spoil the reason why here). So it was interesting to see how their relationship grows when they’re forced to switch back and forth. Each time they switch, their relationship grows stronger and deeper as they gain more understanding about the other.  

There were a lot of laugh out loud moments, and scenes that make you cringe (in an entertaining way) because of the nature of the body-switching genre. I also liked how the drama was mature and talked about adult topics, but at the same time, it still catered to your inner teenager. A lot of us have fangirled over boybands and other celebrities when we were in high school, so the drama made me reminisce about those times. I probably would have swooned over this drama when I was in high school, but now at 25, I’m enjoying this drama from an older and different perspective. Regardless, it’s still a really cute and fluffy drama. 

But, I’m also the same age as Steven Zhang, so I can’t really bring myself to swoon and idolize over someone my age because I’d think about how we could have gone to school together (not really since we’re from different continents, but in theory), so it feels weird to admire him and other actors my age the same way that I used to admire an actor who’s older than me. Maybe I have an inferiority complex, but now that more and more leading actors and actresses are my age and/or younger, I’m realizing that I’m enjoying dramas differently than I used to. I don’t immerse myself as much into a drama (which is a good thing because watching dramas now are less emotionally draining and demanding). Maybe it’s just me. Or maybe it’s part of the process of growing up and becoming more mature. I no longer idolize and fangirl over people, but I admire them as a peer. Does anyone else go through this phase in their mid-20s when suddenly people your age are dominating pop culture, and so you feel closer to them, but at the same time, more emotionally distant? 

The period plotline was great. I loved how they talked about heavy flow, the frequency of changing hygiene products, staining your clothes and not wearing white, and swollen breasts. Period is more than just cramps and moodiness, so I’m glad they explored the topic more in-depth. The only other thing that they could have talked about in addition would be period diarrhea and constipation, but I guess that would be too TMI.  

Characters, Chemistry, and Relationships

I don’t think any of the characters or their relationships frustrated or annoyed me me. They all made rational decisions. The plot flowed logically. The supporting characters were great. Yu Sheng Sheng’s parents were such perfect, model parents. They were so unconditionally loving and supportive. There were also no misunderstandings, no angst. Jiang Yi and Yu Sheng Sheng had such a healthy, non-toxic, transparent, and supportive relationship. And their chemistry never grew stale either. Even until the last episode, their relationship was still growing and they were still working through obstacles together that had a meaningful impact on their relationship. Yu Sheng Sheng was bubbly and optimistic, but she was never obnoxious. She also isn’t perfect either. She has people she dislikes, gets jealous, and can be selfish, but she’s also relatable. She’s not a “sha bai tien”. Jiang Yi was reserved, but never haughty or uncaring. Overall, A really great couple that grows on you. I’m going to miss watching them. 

Ending

But this also brings me to talk about the last 5 minutes of the drama. It turns out that all the characters and their relationships, especially the relationship between Jiang Yi and Yu Sheng Sheng, were idealistic for a reason. Everything was just from the FL’s novel that she finished writing. I completely forgot about this setup at the beginning of the drama where the FL is struggling to write the ending of her novel. And so the final minutes of the drama reminds us that this was just all a fictional story within a fictional story. I was kind of disappointed because it took the magic out of Jiang Yi and Yu Sheng Sheng’s relationship. 

We learn that the FL got the idea to write a body-switching story because she got into a fight with her boyfriend, Yi Jiang, who told her that she needs to walk a mile in his shoes. We also learn that similar to Jiang Yi, Yi Jiang was in a boyband, but unlike Yu Sheng Sheng in the novel, the “real” FL met Yi Jiang after he disbanded from his group. She also tells her editor how they frequently get into arguments and would stop talking to each other as a result, but things have changed for the better recently because Yi Jiang decided to change his outlook on things, similar to how Jiang Yi changed his outlook on life. 

But in the “novel”, Yu Sheng Sheng and Jiang Yi never had a serious argument. They were always very transparent with each other and had strong communication. So the fact that we’re told that Yu Sheng Sheng and Jiang Yi aren’t real, even though their story is based on “real” characters, was disappointing. We’re reminded that their relationship is idealistic, even by cdrama standards. What a wake-up call. So that was my biggest gripe with the drama. 

Overall Impressions

A cute, fluffy, funny drama. It has a consistent plot all the way through and doesn’t drag. I didn’t get completely hooked until episode 7 though, because that’s when Jiang Yi starts to fall for her, so the drama does have a slower start than other romcom dramas. Someone on reddit said that this is a “wine-type” drama, and I agree. It’s not a drama that you would be in a hurry to binge, but it does make you look forward to sitting down with your dinner in the evening to watch it. 

Although the body switching genre is an old one, I actually haven’t watched too many so I can’t compare it to others. But I think the drama is worth watching for the relationship between the leads alone. It’s also a self-aware drama that pokes fun and references kdramas and the alpha-CEO dramas.

Other notes

After watching the first 12 or so episodes of the drama, I also realized who Steven Zhang reminds me of. He reminds me of the Youtuber Danny Gonzalez. They both have big eyes, straight noses, long faces, and petite, dainty lips. 

I mean, they both give off such playful, wholesome vibes. 

[lachryphage]

for at least the past week my shoulders and elbows have been absolutely KILLING me while I sleep. I’m used to needing to shift what side I’m sleeping on maybe three times throughout the night to keep the pain down but I swear I’ve been waking every hour but it’s still not enough and the pain grows throughout the night and lingers in the morning.

it’s not too bad, maybe a 5 at most, but it’s the persistence that’s bothersome. today the pain in my right shoulder goes all the way into my hand and has been lingering even though I’ve been up for an hour

I sleep with a specific size of plushy so that when i cuddle it against my chest the arm that I’m not laying on can rest on the plushy nearly straight-out from my body, thus preventing my shoulder from being pulled on throughout the night by the weight of my arm and the force of gravity. this is usually enough to mediate pain. I really don’t want to have to start sleeping on my back.

my arm muscles have also been hurting in the night, I think because of poor circulation? they hurt worse if my elbows are too bent which I think maybe restricts blood flow? either way, more pain. 

I know I need to see a doctor. It’s hard for me to admit that my experiences aren’t the norm. I mean, they aren’t, are they? does anyone without a joint/connective tissue/circulatory problem experience things like this? is this just a normal part of aging? I don’t know. when I compare my body with others’ I get mixed responses, people are either alarmed and freaked-out or they’re like yeah that’s perfectly normal.

below the cut is a list of things off the top of my head that I experience that may or may not be normal. If someone reads through them I’d really appreciate a comment on what may or may not be normal. I mean if no one comments that’s a-okay too, I need to start listing things as prep for seeing a doc anyway. the list is by no means comprehensive.

- the above described shoulder pain if arms are not properly positioned at night - muscle pain at night from poor circulation caused by bent limbs or if cat(s) sleep on top of me - legs and knees swell up with blood painfully in the shower, resulting in difficulty bending knees and needing to sit for most of the shower - joints that commonly pop/crack (namely shoulders, elbows, knuckles, spine, coccyx, neck) doing so approximately 4 to 10 times a day. become painful if not cracked and/or crack more often if painful already - feet frequently going numb even if I’m not sedentary - livedo reticularis (blood under skin looks all mottled and lace-like) on hands, sometimes legs, not necessarily as response to cold - easy skin impressionability, i.e. if my skin rests against a textured surface for a minute or more it will retain the pattern of that surface for at least five minutes after contact ceases - isolated muscle spasms unassociated with any obvious stimuli - ability to sublux hips to increase range of motion, becomes painful if done too often. taking stairs too often makes it happen anyway. this is the only joint I can for certain sublex - stretchy skin. least stretchy on upper arms (cannot pull away from body), most stretchy on stomach (can pull 6 cm away from body and create pockets by folding in on self). subcutaneous fat is included in stretch - lots of tiny wrinkles/creases around joints, many of which are becoming permanent. e.g. I have three or four creases where my neck joins my body I am nearly 23 and skinny (probably normal) - when bloaty the circumference of my tummy increases up to 4 inches and it’s noticeably distended. jeans go from probably needing a belt to being too tight to wear - difficulty swallowing certain textures such as grains of rice, chewed raw carrot, nuts. bits of food linger in the throat and can cause (short term) choking or even (long term) tonsil inflammation - difficulty drinking water (it just... pours out my mouth idk man) - sometimes food just hangs out in my esophagus for like an hour?? like it doesn’t go into my stomach and if I angle my head downward it’ll just... slide out... back to my mouth... - I frequently have to lie down after eating because it makes my stomach hurt/I feel queasy/I feel exhausted/I feel dizzy - my joints just hurt all the time for no obvious reason - and TMI: I usually alternate between diarrhea and constipation

I do have celiac, so some of this might be from that??? and like I said, this is just off the top of my head and not comprehensive and I’ve also purposefully left out things I think may be due to SPD (such as skin hypersensitivity and poor body temperature regulation) 

if you’ve read through this you’re a champ and thanks for listening. comment if you feel up to it, but like I said a lot of this is for my own benefit...

[ailelie]

Doctors are amazing when they listen, but even then, they can't know everything because you don't know or notice everything. Sometimes the information the doctor needs is something you never realized or thought to share.

Case in point: I am lactose intolerant. I only figured that out 5 or 6 years ago when I decided to go vegan (which I no longer am) and stopped getting horrible cramps and constant diarrhea.

All throughout high school (when it really kicked in), college, life overseas, grad school, etc the doctors had no idea what was wrong with me. I had to collect my own poop in the dorm bathroom to check for parasites or other things that could be causing it. One doctor suggested IBS. They had no cause and so nothing to fix. It was something I'd just have to live with.

I went to a friend's house to watch movies and we had pizza. I missed almost an entire movie because I was in pain in the bathroom.

I'd get a latte from Starbucks during a break at work and then spend a half hour in and out of the toilets.

I sometimes suspected a dairy connection, but I also went through a phase where I thought it was anything with calcium after getting sick after eating a spinach salad (in hindsight, I think the salad had cheese on it, too).

I never told a doctor because I wasn't sure and it wasn't a pattern I always noticed.

So I had years upon years of pain.

And then I cut out all dairy. It still took about a month for me to realize I hadn't gotten sick all month. Something I'd been living with since high school was suddenly gone.

Then my mother visited and we went for fondue. I'd promised we'd go before I went vegan and I'd gone vegan with the caveat that I'd set it aside for fondue with my mother.

I got horribly ill afterward. It was quick onset and I was in terrible pain. And with that, I finally knew for sure that it was the dairy.

tl;dr: The point of this too long bit of TMI is this: Doctors aren't omniscient. And you'll miss key information. If you experience frequent cramps and diarrhea and haven't tried cutting dairy yet, give it a spin. Maybe it will help. And, if it doesn't, at least you've learned something.

[scholar-for-christ]

As a chronic worried with an anxiety/panic attack disorder, I come bearing solutions!! 1. Keep a supply of SNACKS that you really like. Not super sugary ones but more like ritz crackers or cereal, (I use fruit cups because they are fairly filling and can take the edge off of the hunger so the nausea can calm the heck down. Protein drinks like Ensure and Equate are also very good resources bc they are meant to be a meal equivalent and you don’t have the nausea complaining about food texture that way. Just yummy chocolate milk with life saving nutrients :D ) something you can keep with you while you... 2. DISTRACT: the worries and anxiety love and thrive on attention. If you’re constantly monitoring your condition thinking “When will this end, why am I still feeling like this? Is it getting worse?” It’ll just stick around longer. Instead, watch a show that makes you laugh, listen to upbeat music, play a cool video game, and TALK. Talking (especially explaining your situation/what anxiety feels like for you) can be astoundingly calming. Don’t hole up and dwell on the feelings. Get out of your own head and try to find something you enjoy doing so you’re living in the moment (which is secretly a safe and happy place) instead of in the What Ifs of the future 3. Get yoself a sounding board. Mine is my sister. I voice the What Ifs and she shoots them down like the wingless ducks they really are with a twelve gauge shotgun of LOGIC. What if it gets worse and I have to be hospitalized? (Chkchk) Even if it ever got that bad, you’d just sit in a hospital bed/chair for a few hours getting rehydrated by IV and maybe getting some fancier anxiety meds. (BANG) But what if I can’t pull myself out of it this time? (Reload, chkchk) Has that EVER happened? It’s a chemical problem with a chemical solution. Take the meds, feed the body, and it’ll chill. Unless you’re an alien, science gives it no other choice. (BANG. It ded) 4. Of you can’t stop monitoring your anxiety, CHART IT. When I’m the midst of a panic attack, I’ll write out how I feel using a 1-10 scale and a list of symptoms. I update the chart (just entries in my notebook) every time I experience a change. Looking at the overall picture, I’ve found that my panic attacks follow a pattern. Last time it was approx 3mins of adrenaline peaking, then a swift drop to emotional crying it out, a span of calm, then it repeated. BUT every round, every SINGLE round the waves of anxiety (adrenaline) and emotion (crying) were shorter and not as intense, and the calm in between grew longer. Seeing this pattern and being able to tell myself “it’ll be less than (however long it was last time), just wait through this and you’ll be fine” 5. In addition to charting, wrote yourself NOTES. THe thing about anxiety and adrenaline is, it shuts down some of our less essential brain functions because it assumes there’s a threat to be fought or fled from and it needs to devote its full attention to speed and strength. This is why we get gas and diarrhea (sorry for the TMI). Brain says “DANGER”, and our guts helpfully attempt to fast track the absorption of energy from our food... thanks guts. But another thing our brains do is they kinda fail on keeping solid memories. The same way police have trouble getting one reliable witness statement to an accident, our brains get us the heck out of danger and then look back like, uh... I THINK the car was red but that didn’t matter at the time so I didn’t log it.... In this way, we can lose track of the things that helped us fight off anxiety the last time. We go, okay.. so this is another panic attack... how did I get myself to calm down last time? Brain:....uh.... we ran away from it? What were you doing with all that adrenaline if we didn’t run away from it?! So I write myself notes, lists of ways to distract, a playlist of songs that are insta-calming, videos that crack me up every time I see them etc... And when I’m in that calm zone between waves, I write myself encouragement. “You just beat a level 8 wave. YOU did that. And the next one will be smaller and shorter. That’s just a fact. You can do this. I’m proud of you.” 6. Let yourself REST. Anxiety is exhausting to an extreme and the world is very good at pressuring us into thinking any moment spent lying down or (in my current case) not job hunting, is a moment wasted and we label it as just being lazy. Self care is VITALLY important. So when you’re going through a rough time, tell yourself you get this moment to not care about that stuff. This is you time. Treat yoself until you’re through it. 7. The one about the MEDS. My anxiety comes from a chemical imbalance passed on by both parents (so I got a double whammy of worry and anxiety! Whoo!). My dad went through all of this before me and his doctor found a pill that helped him. This was after trying several different prescriptions, some of which didn’t work and others made him feel like a zombie. We got lucky in that our minds are enough alike, chemical wise, that the med that works for him, works for all of us (my siblings and me). I take a basic anti anxiety med and have a supply of stronger meds for using as-needed during panic attacks. When it’s a chemical problem, you need a chemical solution. No amount of strength, mental or physical, will just make a chemical problem go away. You can develop methods that help, certainly! And develop a tolerance for the feeling of anxiety, but for me, I just have to take something if I feel a panic attack coming on and it’s still a struggle for me to not think of the meds as a crutch or taking them as my failing some cosmic test of wills. Medicine is a tool. You wouldn’t be down on yourself for not willing away a broken leg or stuffy nose and anxiety is no different. Sometimes we just need to use our tools and when the tool belt of distraction is spent, you might just need that secret weapon that helps your body to hekkin chill because really, dude, you’re fine. We’re sitting comfy at home and nothing is happening. We’re good. 8. Also, BE KIND TO YOUR MIND. I found that I was sabotaging myself with negative thinking. I’d be chanting in my head “What’s wrong with me? Why is this happening? It’s all gonna happen again, maybe worse than last time. When will this end? I can’t do this again” etc... it took time and it wasn’t easy but countering each of those thoughts with a positive one slowly trained my mind until the instinct was no longer “I can’t do this again” and instead turned to “Welp... better go get me some snacks and meds and chill for a bit. We got this.” 9. And lastly (but so not least) because this is crazy long already: PRAY. Now I don’t mean this in a “Beg God for it to end you filthy sinner!” sort of way. I mean this as a “You have a best friend, good father, gentle mother and a whole host of saints who just need you to ask and they’ll help you through anything.” We (Catholics) “pray” to the saints and Mary the same way you would ask your friend or mother to pray for you. We ask them to bring our prayer to God and advocate for us. Each saint has a specialty they developed on earth. St. Francis of Assisi is patron of animals St. Anthony of Padua patron of lost items And St. Dynphna is patron of those dealing with mental illness and anxiety. If you’re not comfortable praying to the saints or Blessed Mother, then talk to Jesus. He experienced the extreme worst of fear and anxiety in the Garden of Gethsemane when he sweat blood (a real condition resulting from crazy extreme stress). He knows what we’re dealing with and he’s ready to help you and stay by your side through it all. All you have to do is ask. (And if you have trouble picturing Jesus as a relatable and loving person, I can not recommend more the series The Chosen. It’s on dvd or on vidangel for like eight dollars and it’s by far the most real, charming, deeply loving version I’ve ever seen of Jesus. And as a bonus, the actors are properly portrayed as middle eastern not the whitewashed style our religious images tend to lean toward) Here he be: 

I love him so much! 

[csadler58-blog]

Ups and Downs

I have always been one to react to traumatic situations differently. I have a tendency to act fine in the beginning and then all the sudden days, weeks, even months later, I break down and it’s never pretty. For the first 6 months-1 year of having diabetes, I did AWESOME! Always checked my sugars, (4 times a day) ate breakfast, lunch, dinner and all my snacks at the same time every day, and always counted and measured EVERYTHING. My mom was more than I could have ever asked for in a parent. She got up early every morning before work and school and made me breakfast. Measured my cereal, milk, juice, fruit, all of it. She packed my lunches, and always cooked my dinners in the same manner. I learned from the beginning to do my own shots. (My mom was terrified of needles, she even took a class for new diabetic parents where they had to check their sugars and take saline shots for I think it was a week, and she would start sweating and shaking every time. 😂) So not only was I taking on the responsibility of the disease in itself, but I was always in charge of giving my own meds. In retrospect, it was a lot to take on at such a young age, and I should have let more people help me, but I was super stubborn lol. It’s a blessing and a curse! So anyway, about a year passes and I officially got into middle school. (I was in 6th grade when I was diagnosed and turned 12 the next January after the hospital stay.) With the stresses of middle school, sports, hormones, and also the fact that I was getting a new sibling, (yay!!!) I lost it. I started getting very angry and depressed, although at the time I didn’t know what was going on. One day at school, I just completely lost my marbles and drew a line on my wrist with red marker and said when I got home, that was what I was going to do. That was the beginning of my mental illness. I spent about a week in OSU Harding Hospital, which to most would be called the looney bin. 😂 I was diagnosed with major depression, ADD, and borderline personality disorder, which was later just dropped to major depressive disorder over the years. I later developed a hair pulling anxiety disorder called trichotellamania and it caused me a lot of problems in high school because at a certain time I had no hair on the top of my head and I had also pulled out all my eyelashes on the top and bottom and my eyebrows as well. I wore scarves to cover my head and even had to get special permission from the principal because student weren’t aloud to wear anything on their heads unless it was for religious purposes. (This mostly pertained to Muslim and Arab girls who wore the scarves around their faces and heads to cover their hair.) It was a really hard time in my life and I was put on a lot of different medications. Depokote for mood swings, Prozac for the depression, Anafranil for anxiety and Concerta for concentration. After a year I was taken off Prozac and was put on Zoloft, which is the only one of these meds I still take now.

That was the first of 3 different hospitalizations at Harding Hospital. It was around that first hospitalization that I really started to neglect my sugars. I also ended up being diagnosed with hypertension at age 14 and was put on Lisinopril. It was like pulling teeth getting me to check my sugars, to take my insulin and also to take my pills. One thing I remember vividly from my childhood was my moms voice screaming, “TAKE YOUR PILLS!!!” 😂 I would even make up sugars and just write them down in my log book right before my appts with Doctor Sotos so I wouldn’t get yelled at. 😳🙄 When my a1c blood work would come back, they would know I was lying. This would eventually cause Doctor Sotos to drop me as his patient when I was 18 for noncompliance. It would later be one of the biggest regrets of my life losing him as an endocrinologist, as I never again found one I liked as well as him. The more I was asked to take care of myself, the more I wouldn’t. This behavior put me in the regular hospital, OFTEN. In middle and high school, it wasn’t so bad up until 11-12th grade. But all throughout school, I used my diabetes as an excuse to get away with EVERYTHING. Always getting out of class, used it to borrow money from people all the time to get snacks I didn’t need to have, to get out of marching when I was in band.. you name it, I did it. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to. My mom was very strict with me but her and I had a very tumultuous relationship when I was teenager. Whatever she asked or told me to do, I did the exact opposite just to spite her. We fought constantly and every single day I regret all the things I’ve put her through. I was very mean, and hateful to EVERYONE except the people that didn’t matter. It was an awful time for me. When I was 18 I quit school and also quit my meds including my insulin on most days. I do believe that was the year I was hospitalized every single month of the year with diabetic ketoacidosis. Ketoacidosis is something that people with diabetes get when they have long term bouts of high blood sugars. It causes flu like symptoms which include fevers, dehydration, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. (TMI I KNOW, but necessary and important in the story. Deal with it 😂) When I was 19, that’s when I started drinking pretty heavily. I also ended up pregnant with my son Aden that year. I was a high risk pregnancy both because of my diabetes and because of my hypertension, so I should have been going to a specialized doctor every two weeks. I NEVER went to the doctor. I had a lot of complications, including bleeding, I also caught pneumonia and my sugars continued to be all over the place. Everyone in my family was getting fed up.

At 20 years old, I was 5 months pregnant and still completely in denial that I needed to grow up. My mom and I had a huge fight (I don’t remember what it was over) and she gave me an ultimatum. She said I needed to either get a job and start taking care of myself for me and my child, or I needed to leave. I was so hard headed, that I told her I would rather live in a shelter than listen to anything she said to me- so that’s exactly what I did. I only ended up there for about a week, maybe 10 days, and then I got a bus pass and road to my moms work, and BEGGED her to take me back in. I swore I would change and that I would do the right thing. Little did I know, the damage had been done. I never got a job, although I filled an application or two out on occasion to keep my family off my back. On May 7, 2008 I went into labor with my son, and it was the worst experience of my life, even worse than being on dialysis or having to get a transplant. I have expressed my sorrow before to others and on social media, and I know for a long time people didn’t believe I was truly pregnant or had a child because of how secretive I was about the whole thing. There were reasons for that in which I will not elaborate on, but it was real, and the pain I felt, the tears I shed and the loss I experienced were not imagined or made up. I was in ketoacidosis when I got to the hospital, and so when I went into ICU and I had been stabilized, and taken to the maternity floor, they couldn’t find a heartbeat for the baby. When I saw the still, silent screen and they told me the reality I never imagined I’d have to face, I had never and probably will never feel that type of emptiness again. My heart sank to my feet, and I just sat there with tears streaming down my still, emotionless face. The image of that screen will forever be burned into my brain. On May 8, I delivered my stillborn son, Aden Bryce Sadler. I held him in my arms for quite some time after all was said and done. I have never talked about the things I said to my son that day or what I am going to describe next TO ANYONE, but I feel it’s time. Part of the reason I’m doing this blog is because I need to get everything out and forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made. Everything I’ve done, wrong and right has brought me to where I am and no matter which angle you look from, I’m blessed to be alive and considering my situation, things could be a lot worse. DO NOT CONTINUE READING THIS PARAGRAPH IF YOU ARE EASILY EMOTIONAL, AS I CRIED WRITING THIS.. They wrapped him in a little blue and white stripped blanket, with a blue hat. I remember the color of his poor lifeless face and the hat were almost the same. He had my lips and the shape of my eyes, with long eyelashes just like mine. Dark hair that poked out of the sides of his hat, but only wavy, not ringlets like I had when I was born. He had his fathers nose, and big ol’ head, haha. I had never seen a creature so beautiful and I’d never felt so much love and so much sadness at the same time. I couldn’t tell you how many times I kissed him and rocked him close to my body, as I knew it would be the first and last time I ever would. All I could say in that moment where time stood still was this, “I’m so sorry, I love you so much. I’m so so sorry.” I just kept repeating it over and over again. The nurse came in and told me it was time. It felt like it had only been a moment and she practically had to pry him from me. I cried until I had no more tears, so long and hard that I dry heaved a few times. The worst part about it, was that I was completely alone. I was completely alone and the reason was because I pushed everyone away and locked them all out. For the first time I realized how wrong I had been, but I had too much pride to admit it. I went on for the next two months like nothing was wrong, until I got sick, and this time a simple hospital stay wouldn’t cut it. This was the first time I hit rock bottom.

[captawesomesauce]

Thoughts at 30am...

I have napped off and on almost all night long. In fact I crashed at 6pm because I could no longer keep my eyes open. It's rare for me to ever feel that tired/exhausted but I had to just do what my body needed.

TMI, the constant diarrhea saps my body of all strength at times.

I did accomplish a lot today though.

I fell asleep just after 6am but was woken up by my father being a dumbass at just before 8am. Look, waking me up because you are constipated because you ate food you weren't supposed to, is not going to get any sympathy from me. I got up, I said "ok, get dressed and I'll take you to the doctor." As exhausted as I was, I was still willing to help him by taking him across the valley in rush hour traffic, because why the hell else would he wake me up if it wasn't to go to the doctor???? But NOPE!! He literally said "I cant get dressed! I hurt too much!" So i said fine, i'll call for an ambulance.... NOPE! He didn't want to go at all! So... what? What does he want?? I said fine, I'll give you some prune juice and we'll see if that helps, and he threw a hissy fit that he didn't want any of that... so now what?!?!?! What the fuck does he want from me?? He's standing there cursing and insulting me and yelling that he's in pain, but doesn't want to do anything to fix it. If you hurt, go to the doctor, otherwise stfu, ya know?? I finally called him a fucking dumbass and told him if he didn't drink the prune juice I was just going to call 911 anyways and have them haul him off to the worst hospital we could think of and maybe keep him there for the weekend! That's when he shut up, drank the prune juice, and wow... like magic... it worked! Duh.

This is why all of the nurses and my sisters won't deal with him. Unlike other adults who take their meds, and take care of themselves, he literally self-sabotages himself and when you try and help him, or tell him how to help himself, he goes into full tantrum mode.

A few weeks ago he was complaining about the nerve pain in his legs to his doctor, and his cardiologist was right there next to him. Doc said he needs to walk more, exercise, stop the atrophy! The nerve pain is from laying in bed 20hrs a day and refusing to walk. He literally... straight face, full commitment, 0 hesitation, looked at the doc and said "I can't walk. I have a heart blockage, not enough blood flows to the bottom of my heart. I can't exercise!" The cardiologist, who did all 4 of dad's stents and other surgeries, turned and looked at dad like he was a god damn alien from another planet! He then proceeded to call dad on his bullshit, and told him to get up, get off his ass, and exercise! There is no blockage, and to stop lying.

When my mother first married him, he was 20 year old and he would tell people they needed to be nice to him and not stress him out, and that he couldn't exercise because he had a "heart condition." Totally made up, absolutely fabricated, but that's what he does. He would also come home, completely drunk, and pass out on the couch. He would yell and scream for someone to bring him a pillow, he'd refuse to even get up to eat dinner, because he was too sick and had to be fed in the living room. Always too sick (aka drunk.) All he ever wanted to do was be drunk or high and watch tv in bed.

He's lazy, and he's pathetic, and the only way to get him to care for himself is to not tolerate it or play his dumb ass games. He's 77 years old, I'm not his mother, and I'm not going to baby him. That's how he ended up a lousy drunk and drug addict, because others coddled him and wouldn't tell him no.

Now he's almost perfectly healthy, heart is strong, no more angina, full recovery from the stroke and cancer, and everything else. And it's simply because I will tell him no and not tolerate his bullshit. I can't make him exercise though, and that'll kill him. His choice.

Now that I'm done ranting about that. I did run to autozone today, because I've had 2 warning lights on my cars dash for months now and I finally got them taken care of. The first was the windshield washer fluid, damn thing drank the entire gallon I bought! I thought it was way too big, and even asked the guy if he had a smaller size but.. NOPE. It needed the whole thing. Sheesh. I also got an air compressor tire thing on amazon and finally got my right rear tire up to pressure. It's supposed to be at 33psi, but was running around 28. The others were at 31-29, but the right rear would always trip the TPMS, so I plugged it into the 12v socket, attached the hose and if it ain't the neatest thing... the car honks when it's at the right pressure! lol So I filled all 4 to the correct honk lol.

After that I went to the market, spent 500 bucks on food and got my 1000pts cause yay 2x weekend pts! That gives us just over 3000 points to use now, so I'll be able to use them for my arizona road trip :) Here in california we only get 20 cents off a gallon. In arizona, mom gets a dollar off! So since my car has a 20 gallon tank, that'll make things really nice. Right now gas there is 2.17 so that'll bring it down to 1.17! Where I am, gas is 3.39 :| Talk about a huge difference. $68 vs $24.

I did screw up at the store and bought too much for my freezer... I really jam packed it way too much and I feel super dumb about that. I rarely have that problem, but i've been trying a lot of new vegitarian foods, and I tend to misjudge how much space some of that stuff takes.

Other than that, I downloaded some new books, read a bunch, and have been following the G20 protests. I remember a lot of the black bloc/anarchist stuff in the 80s and 90s, especially the Seattle WTO riots. I know a bunch of you are young and you're all like "This is just about Trump! If it wasn't for Trump this wouldn't be happening," and I'm like... dude... no. Just... no. This happens every... fucking.. time... since forever ago. It's about anti-capitalism, anti-world bank, anti-IMF, Trump is just a tiny little wrinkle into the anarchist playbook. Hell, Bill Clinton was president during the Seattle WTO event!

I think that's the most shocking thing to me about "kids today." I never feel as old as I do when talking about things that were part of the tapestry of history when I was growing up, especially my teen years. I remember "The Troubles" in Northern Ireland and seeing photos of British Para's with the L1A1s kneeling down throughout Irish streets, with full war kit on and a red Para beret. I remember seeing the riots at various summits, and especially in England and France over things like Thatchers austerity measures and France's unemployment and wage stuff. I remember the german terror groups like the Red Brigade, and fears about the PLO and the Libyans. I think that's what struck me so much about the Ferguson and BLM protests, how many people were screaming about the militarization of our police in regards to protests and riots... not with the idea that it was bad because x,y,z but they all have this strange notion that other countries of the world do things differently. Like, they've never seen the giant european armored vehicles that are as long as semi's with huge water canons, and riot police dressed in all black with their menacing armor. You look at Hamburg today, and Venezuela, and all over the globe, and it's a perspective that is necessary. It's one thing to say what we do is wrong for the sake of it being wrong, it's another to say we're wrong because of false notions about "the rest of the world." It's amazing how isolated we are in our thinking and knowledge, almost to the point where the rest of the world is some rosey fictional utopian place. It's so strange, it's so ignorant, it's sad really.

It's one reason I encourage so many people to study abroad, or work for a humanitarian organization, or just get the fuck up and get the fuck out, because isolation and groupthink run hand in hand and lead to the worst kind of stupid ever imaginable.

I do think it was immensely fucking dumb for the G20 to have their summit in Hamburg though. The last few major ones have all been at isolated resorts/islands and shit for a god damn good reason. Why they changed that, I haven't the foggiest fucking clue. Dumbasses.

Also if you ever have a moment, and you're feeling "political" it's worth googling congressional corruption and lobbyist. It's important to note that they got rid of a major anti-corruption rule just recently, and while I have no idea who represent.us is, I do think it's important to read this article to understand just how perverted the left and the right are in America:

https://represent.us/action/5-facts-lobbyists/

It's sad, it's sickening, it's gross, it's why whenever I hear anyone blame one side or the other, it makes my skin crawl.. though it's really hard to believe just how fucked up the Right has become, especially with their healthcare bill that is less about healthcare and more about tax breaks for the rich. And why? Read that link!

"The average senator has to pull in more than $14,000 dollars every single day, just to stay in office"

Imagine if that kind of money was spent on mental health issues or affordable housing instead... fuck.

Oh well, these were my thoughts.

[bornwanderer-blog]

No right answer – thoughts that circled my head on the trip, most of which have no conclusion

Part II: Natural Remedies vs. Modern Medicine

An hour into our first day hiking the Inka Trail, our guides paused for a break underneath a shelter with thin wooden benches along the perimeter. I was now double my normal width so my pack fit on the bench but my butt didn’t -so for a while I awkwardly leaned, refusing to take my pack off. An older woman sat on a wall with her ankles crossed working on some piece of fabric across the path from us. A stray chicken and a boy ran around the shelter. After an early pick-up and rushing to starting points and check points, it was a moment where we had nothing better to do than take a sip of water, breathe, and look around. The guides did the normal get-to-know everyone thing and 16 strangers began to try and remember each other’s names.

But then our guide Raul, changed direction a bit and asked “What happens when the people who live here get sick?” Bleakly, in my head, I thought “they die?” We are on a trail into the forest. There’s a train several miles away, but that’s probably expensive. There are no roads. There’s the Urubamba river, but that’s miles away and it doesn’t look like a tranquil float. Even if you do find transportation after walking miles, there’s only a small hospital (for tourists, mostly) at the base of Macchu Picchu in Aguas Calientes (at this point, that’s a four day walk away for us) or back in Cusco, a two-hour bus ride away at best. Even if they make it to a hospital, could they afford the bill and prescriptions? If you live out here, you’re probably a farmer eking out a living from the land – where is there money for transportation and care? But Raul takes a different tact that makes my foreboding thoughts feel true but naïve. Plants, he says. The locals make medicines from what’s around them. People don’t take obstacles laying down – they invent and learn and use the resources at their disposal to the best of their abilities.

Which brings us to literal herbal remedies. The Peruvian’s seemed to have a tea for everything. Upset stomach? I’ll make you a special tea. Diarhhea? I’ll make you a special tea. Period cramps? Headache? Sore muscles? Altitude sickness? Special tea. Special tea. Special tea. Special tea. And the favored tea? Coca. As in the leaves that are eventually processed and concentrated into Cocaine. At leaf level, the effects are not as deleterious and instead act as a sort of pain relief. (E.g. Coca Cola used to have real cocaine in it and was first advertised as medicinal.) The porters shove leaves directly between their teeth and cheek, sucking out the juices as they haul pounds of gear. All of us Westerners brought along mini-pharmacies for the hike. So for sore muscles it was Ibuprofen and tea; for an upset stomach it was pepto bismal and tea.

Mike nurses his morning coca tea as he tries to recover from the war-crime ridden bathroom

I have a lot of opinions on America’s healthcare system. Like how Mike’s altitude sickness prescription cost $10 with his insurance and mine was $50 and that only marriage or the kindness of my employer can fix that because insurance options (and Congress) suck. The U.S. has some of the most expensive healthcare in the world – maybe a Peruvian hospital stay is affordable; in the U.S., it’s the number one reason people file for bankruptcy. Though, obviously, I am more privileged than most of the world by sheer access to vaccines and medicine. But that’s not what I want to get into right now. What I want to get into is how that altitude sickness prescription made us feel. Diamox is the only drug out there that treats altitude sickness, everything else just attempts to mask the symptoms. Everyone used to sea-level quantities of oxygen feel lightness of breath at higher altitudes – but, for a random few, altitude sickness is like day one of the flu where you are puking your brains out, your head is pounding, and even the thought of moving is too exhausting to contemplate. Luckily, Mike and I took our Diamox – so we have no idea if we are part of the percentage that gets altitude sickness – but we also avoided all that grossness. However, there were side effects: first a tingly feeling like your hands and feet had fallen asleep and were now on pins and needles and then, for Mike, diarrhea. Which is not the greatest when you only see two (disgusting, brutally smelling) toilets a day and your next best option is a bush (also don’t worry, Mike didn’t suffer alone – I got my period and was in a nearby bush – lol so much TMI right now). Those side effects are still way better than day one of the flu but our beautiful western medicine still came at a price. I don’t think any tea has been scientifically proven to stop altitude sickness, but it also probably doesn’t have side effects.

I have no idea if the Coca leaves or Ibuprofen got me through four days of hiking (probably the Ibuprofen). And I have no idea if Quechua tea, herbal pills bought off of Amazon (ran into a lovely Mormon Utahan couple who did this – but seriously, yall, who knows what’s in those?!?! They’re not regulated by the FDA!), or a prescription of Diamox ultimately solved people’s altitude sickness or other ailments (it’s probably the Diamox). There are ways to overuse and abuse western medicine – we could have taken less of it after a day or two at altitude to try and minimize the side effects had we known what they were.

(...sidenote: If acetominophin can cause liver damage, are Coca leaves really that bad? …I might have just sounded really stupid just now and I actually don’t know the answer to this – can a real scientist help me out? Or is this more of a social science thing of what substance could be more easily abused? – like actetominophin doesn’t eventually become cocaine …)

Ok…I got sidetracked… what I mean is beyond the hype, I would like scientific progress and the search for truth to win. I would like pain relief and comfort to win. We still have a lot to learn from tea (and local remedies in general) though - I’d just like to observe their effects with repeatable, double-blind studies.

[citrusrei]

I hope you feel better!! Random fact: I've gotten sick after vacations too, every time I've ever gone to Florida and I get back home I get sick with this killer fever and I feel like death, so I know you're pain 😩😂

Thank you, biibii!! I know :/ I’m not sure why that happens besides maybe like all the foreign germs we encounter in a new place ! but either way I’m over it lol. Thankfully I didn’t have a fever for too long but I think I have a hint of like, the stomach flu ??? tmi, like nausea also (diarrhea) yeaaaahhhhh I am feeling better though! 

[alexandrabiotexcom-blog]

8 Real Life Struggles Every Woman Has During Pregnancy

When People Keep Talking About Your Weight

We get it people: women gain weight when they're pregnant. This has happened to every mother-to-be since the beginning of time, and yet people still approach expectant mothers and comment on their weight. They're not trying to be mean (hell, my brother once told my cousin's wife she looked "huge" when she was pregnant) and are making a very real observation, but many pregnant women actually despise it when you tell them how big they're getting.

Suddenly Realizing Just How Far Your Feet Are From Your Hands

That probably sounded like a weird foot fetish thing, but that's not what I mean. It's easy to take your foot reaching abilities for granted when you're not with child. Those pedicures you used to give yourself? Not gonna' happen. Just being able to tie your shoes? Time to try some slip-on flats. Oh, did you just drop some food on the kitchen floor? Hopefully you have a dog to clean that up for you.

Everything Related to Peeing

Might as well be direct about this one! With all the hormonal changes and the pressure you feel against your bladder from your growing uterus, the urgency to pee is non-stop. On top of your frequent pee breaks, you'll also notice that the most random things will make you have leaking issues. Laughing, coughing, sneezing, and even exercising can cause you to pee a little.

"​It’s all because your growing baby, who’s hanging out inside your equally expanding uterus, is putting extra pressure on your bladder," Dr. C. Joseph Cadle told The Bump. "That adds stress on the muscles of the bladder sphincter (the valve that keeps your urine inside until you’re ready to go)."

Seeing Your Partner Sleep Every Which Way on the Bed

Maybe it's just me, but there's usually only one position I can sleep in: on my stomach (prone position). Sometimes, though rarely, I'm able to sleep on my side, but otherwise I have to lay flat on my tummy with my head turned to one side to ensure a good night's rest. If I try to sleep on my back, face up in the supine position, I end up being extremely restless all night and sometimes even experience sleep paralysis.

​So of course, when I eventually become pregnant, adjusting to sleeping on my side (they say it's best to sleep on your left side) is going to be brutal but necessary. It'll probably take me a lot of effort not to strangle my future husband when I see him deep in slumber beside me, rolling around like it's no big deal.

Your Constant Food Cravings

Aside from just wanting to eat all the food all the time, craving specific meals becomes too real. Food cravings, which could be psychological and lead to overeating as well as excess weight gain, according to a study from the University of Albany, occurs within 50 to 90 percent of pregnant women. Ice cream? Fried chicken? Basically anything spicy? If it doesn't make you nauseous then you'll probably be eating it.

When Someone Eats Your Food

However, if you've been thinking about something in your fridge all day and someone else eats it... game over. You're already having terrible mood swings while your pregnant, and suddenly you get home only to find that your S/O has eaten that leftover takeout you've been wanting since you woke up this morning. So now, not only are you pissed, but you have to find something else to satisfy your hunger.

Being Able to Relate to an Animal Stuck on Its Back for the First Time Ever

Though it's recommended that pregnant women avoid sleeping on their backs, some expectant mothers are just bound to wake up at night in the supine position anyway. When that happens, you basically lie there on your bed rolling around like a turtle, wondering why they didn't create Life Alert for pregnant women as well.

Discovering What Constipation Feels Like... Every Day

When you don't feel like you have to pee (that's laughable), there's a great chance that you probably feel constipated instead. As TMI as that sounds, it happens to many pregnant women, so it shouldn't be a cause for concern despite how frustrating it is. In fact, about three out of four moms-to-be experience constipation, diarrhea or other bowel disorders, according to a Loyola University Medical Center study.

However, the constipation won't usually be so bad that it affects your everyday routine, and the reason behind it is due to physiological and hormonal changes, according to the study's senior author and Associate Professor, Scott Graziano.

[tokidokifish]

okay so here’s what happened (slight tmi for bodily functions):

i woke Too Early up this morning with like a POUNDING headache so obviously i took some aspirin to deal with that

then my stomach started feeling upset, which i figured was because i just essentially took three caffeine pills on an empty stomach, so i ate a sandwich and some chips w a soda

then i started getting the feeling that i needed to burp but i couldn’t actually, which i thought was probably acid reflux caused by taking three caffeine pills AND THEN drinking a soda

and also my stomach was still upset and also i had diarrhea, which i thought was probably because of the mayonnaise in the sandwich, but all of these symptoms were kind of piling up so i was getting worried

i took a Dark Bath and, once i started feeling a little better, a nap

when i woke up my stomach seemed to have settled and the headache was gone, but i still had acid reflux, which i thought was probably bc lying down actually doesn’t help with that at all

so i went to the corner store and got some mylanta and stopped by wendy’s for a chicken sandwich (just bread, lettuce, and chicken) and also some lemonade? i know citrus isn’t supposed to help with acid reflux but since i thought it was caused by the caffeine i didn’t think it would hurt?

i took the mylanta, then got home and ate the sandwich, and regretted it IMMEDIATELY

nausea, stomach upset was back, acid reflux: still there, and i felt flushed even tho i had no fever

so that’s when i decided to go to urgent care

i got there and first of all, my blood pressure was high, but i think that was probably just because of how stressed i was

but also the nurse started focusing really heavily on the stomach upset/diarrhea, which was honestly like not that concerning for me??

then she was like “look i’m going to see about getting you into the er for maybe fluids and a scan if the doctor thinks that needs to happen”

me, poor as shit with crappy insurance who just wanted someone to tell me i was overreacting: fuk

so we go there and check me in and i sit there for like an hour. according to one of the other people in the er, she’s been there for five hours. 

i start feeling a little better, but then again i barely felt urgent care bad, let alone er bad

so i left and now i’m home. my stomach is still a little upset, i’m still burping a little but my acid reflux doesn’t seem that bad, and i still feel flushed but i don’t have a headache.

am i gonna die? who knows

guess who’s going to urgent care 🙃