#this is loosely inspired by a series of real life events

[wibble-wobbegong]

listen after the show ends i think we should have a time skip where mike and will are in the doctor’s office and the doctor comes out and calls mike autistic and gives will a bottle of 800 mg of risperidone for the Horrors and they leave holding hands to get in their honda civic to go to the indianapolis children’s museum (they put the bumble bee statue back up)

[sohnric]

partners in crime – j. changmin

after a series of unpredictable events, you and ji changmin, the foster kid with a shady reputation, become partners in crime. in a world where every choice has a consequence, you two must decide how far you're willing to go as you balance on the edge of danger with the promise of a better life.

pairing: ji changmin x fem! reader

genre: criminals au. coming of age, slice of life. angst, hurt/comfort. thief! changmin. partners in crime au (duh). slight high school au. inspired by a real case of robbery in a jewelry store here lmao. also loosely inspired by the kdrama extracurricular!

wc: 33k (33.689)

warnings: mentions of alcoholism and juvenile behavior, swearing, changmin's character is a little inconsistent at first. changmin is a foster child, dysfunctional families, financial issues, yn's father is absent. mentions of minors going on dates with older men, a man trying to take advantage of the reader, a physical fight (with the use of a knife), fake gun, robbery and that should be it...?

playlist || teaser || ao3

a/n: i had worked on this fic since december and only finished it at the beginning of may i am so glad it's finally out TT thank you SO much to my best friend @csenke for beta reading this, your comments were what made me feel more secure about this fic to actually post it. i know it's a lot of work and i appreciate you<3 i always wanted to write a fic like this and it's finally here, i hope yall like it hihi taglist: @songchan @luumiinaa

One of the police officers drags you up from the chair by your shoulder, urging you to move outside of the room. The one that’s been sitting opposite of you smiles sadly at you– something akin to sympathy, but not enough to really get through and hit your core– while the other one opens the door and shoves you down to sit at the plastic chair outside of the office. His movements are more stern and strong, tone of voice more stingy when he talks to you– it’s not hard to differentiate which one of them has kids at home, which one knows the tired eyes of a teenager more.

“Wait here until your mother picks you up,” the officer says, a stone cold look making you shiver.

“She doesn’t know that I’m here. You called her and she didn’t pick up, so–”

“I don’t care, young lady. Either your mother comes to pick you up, or you stay here forever, for all I care,” he mutters, sending you another one of his sharp looks before he turns around and disappears back into the room you came from, shutting the door behind him with a loud thud. 

Figure jumping at the sudden noise, you settle deeper into the uncomfortable chair. Christmas will come earlier than your mother, and that’s a lot to say, since it’s March– and it seems that nobody really cares if you stay here forever. It’s not surprising, actually. Not at all. You don’t know what you were thinking anyway, but hey– desperate times call for desperate measures, and you had no other way of going around the situation. You don’t regret trying. You just regret getting caught.

Head resting against the hard wall, intending to rest your eyes closed and maybe take a nap before a miracle happens and your mother somehow starts caring and appears on the doorstep of the police, your orbs are met with another pair sitting opposite of you, silently watching the previous exchange. The intensity of his gaze almost makes you jump in surprise again, only relaxing when you recognise the owner of the dark chocolate irises and visibly shudder, embarrassment creeping up your neck. 

It’s not every day you meet a guy from your school at a police station. Well, it’s not every day you end up at the police station, but being caught by someone who is aware of your existence makes this whole encounter even more uncomfortable.

“Didn’t expect to see you here,” Ji Changmin chirps, something akin to an amused smirk appearing on his face. His composure is light. He seems to be comfortable with the situation– well, as much as you can read from his blood-smeared face– and you start to wonder how and why your silent classmate from English class would end up at the police station, with a cut on his lip, a bruise on his upper jaw and scraped knuckles on full display, as he rests his intertwined hands in his lap.

“Could say the same about you,” you shrug, biting back at him. 

“Oh please,” he snickers, shaking his head in disbelief, “I’m a regular here.”

The sentence catches you off guard. It’s not every day you meet a guy from school at a police station, but considering his words, it seems like you would meet him here every day, only if you were dragged here by rough hands of a police officer as often as he has.

“Oh,” you gasp, not really knowing how to react to such a confession, “good… to know…?” you mumble, nodding to prove your point.

You expect the conversation to die down– you don’t really know what to talk about with someone you barely know at the most unusual place you could imagine for a conversation. Ji Changmin is one of the classmates you’ve never talked to before, but would say hi to when passing them by on the street. He seems polite and easy-going enough to not feel uncomfortable with when left alone in a closed space together, but aloof enough to not have many friends himself. You barely know anything about him– apart from his marks in the one class you share, since you are often chosen to be the one to hand out graded tests at the beginning of English– and you don’t expect things to change just because you met him in unfortunate circumstances.

At least you know this won’t get out in any way. Not like you have any reputation to withhold in the first place– you’d just hate to have the reputation of someone being chased around by the police. Trying hard to find the light in the things, you thank all higher forces that out of everyone, the one classmate that could witness all of this is the guy with seemingly no friends to tell.

Changmin seems to have different plans, though. For someone that isn’t interested in making bonds with people, he seems to be interested in casual talk with you.

Well, if you could call this casual.

“Yeah,” he shrugs, “they always let the kid from the foster house get away with it. They blame it on the trauma, or something, make me sign some papers and then someone comes to pick me up and the cycle repeats itself over and over again.”

The information catches you off guard. Truth be told, you didn’t know that about Changmin– you doubt anyone from school really knows, except for the teachers, and the sudden confession makes you hesitant. You don’t really know why he’s telling you this. If you were in his position, you’re sure you wouldn’t. It seems like everyone has a different measure for what’s appropriate to tell someone you barely know, though, and Changmin seems to enjoy the weird intimacy of the quiet police station enough to dump this information on you.

“Oh…” you say, chewing on the inside of your cheek. Not wanting him to think you’re distressed with the information, disturbed, even, you try hard to think of a conversation topic to discuss with him. “What… what did you do this time, then?” you ask, mentally slapping yourself for being so awkward.

“Tried to pickpocket someone on the street,” he says, chuckling to himself. His eyes move to his bruised hands, shrugging. “Seems like I picked a bad victim. See, he had this fancy watch, so I saw him as a jackpot, but then he swung at me and… here I go,” he says, laughing as if it was a funny story.

He must be a regular here. He is too comfortable with being arrested to not be.

“That’s… unfortunate,” you hum, watching as the boy in front of you shrugs, eyes curious as they land on yours.

“It is… I could buy so much with that money,” he sighs, shaking his head, “what about you, though? How did you end up here?”

“Oh, uhm…” you gasp, scratching the back of your neck, suddenly a little shameful to admit it once you’re asked, “I… I tried to steal something and I was caught by the store owner, so he called the police on me…” you tightly smile, hoping to seem nonchalant.

“Shoplifting?” Changmin chuckles. “What did you want to steal? Designer clothes, or something?” he snickers, obviously mocking you. And it’s valid– you are a teenage girl, after all. You seem to have everything you need in your life, but that’s only because you don’t let anyone even suspect that there is something wrong. To an outsider's eye, they might think there is nothing more you could need to be happy if not designer clothes or jewelry. It’s what most teenage girls get caught stealing– you guess he’s not wrong for making such a guess.

Still, you feel a bit hurt at seeming so vain. Locking eyes with the boy, you shrug. If he’s going to share every small detail of his life with you in the comfort of the walls of the police station, you guess you can unveil at least something to him, desperate to make him feel ashamed for assuming.

“No, actually,” you say, the tone of voice suddenly calm and collected, “I was stealing groceries.”

And it finally seems to down on him– because if you try to steal something, it means you’re lacking it, right? Why would you steal something you can easily buy?

That’s right– you wouldn’t.

Changmin’s eyes soften with the realization, his mouth opening to say something– anything– before he’s cut off by the door to one of the offices opening, the kinder one of the policemen approaching you with a solemn look in his eye, leaning towards you to talk quietly into your ear.

“You can go home now, okay? We’ll let you off with a warning this time,” he says, smiling at you. 

“But my mother–”

“Just go.”

You guess the object you’re stealing makes a difference in the way you’re treated at the police station. Also, you guess it’s good that people still have sympathy.

Usually, you hate the sad looks from people that are aware. This time, you leave the police station comforted, happy to know that you still have a future without a criminal record.

You’ll have to be more careful next time.

Eyes catching the glimmer of the silver chain in between your fingers, you press your skin into the metal and drag your nail over the stones in the pedant. You watch over the glass vitrines situated all around the store, various different shades of gold and silver staring back at you, almost laughing to your face with the prize tags slapped onto them, showing prices worth more than your groceries for the month. 

Contemplating your next decision, looking behind your shoulder to catch the security camera watching you, you think over your next steps. Angling your body so that it’s shielding what you’re doing with your hands, you gently take out the drawer that you’ve taken the silver chain out of, pretending to put the jewelry back where you got it from.

Your movements are careful, calculated. You’ve rethought this plan over and over again, birthed in your mind the moment you saw the sign ‘hiring’ on the glass door of the fancy jewelry store in the town center– made adjustments to it, tweaked it around and tried your hardest to make a good impression on your boss so she wouldn’t suspect anything– but now that you’re actually in front of the important part, the one that’s supposed to help you the most in your hunt for money, you can’t really bring yourself to do it.

Who knows. Maybe you could just keep the job– you don’t make much, though, considering you only work part-time. With the way your shifts are scheduled and the amount of time you have to put into working, you don’t really see the jewelry store as a good source of income– you are barely home and have time for anything. 

And it’s not the kind of money you need. Not at all.

Sighing to yourself, you shake your head to clear it off all thoughts– it’s time to do it. You can be sneaky. You can be uncaught. You just have to put your head to it.

Fingers shaking, you move the chain towards the front pocket of your jeans, ready to hide it in there and then sell it in the pawn shop a few weeks later to not raise much suspicion– when the sound of the front door opening brings you out of your thoughts, making you jump in surprise. Eyes snapping to the customer entering the store, you get ready to sport the kindest, warmest smile you can– to seem innocent and not at all suspicious. However, the grin stops growing mid-way as you recognise the appearance of the customer, smile freezing and turning into a concerned frown. 

This is not how you’d expect a customer of a fancy jewelry store to look.

The person is dressed in black, skinny jeans adorning their thighs, the hood of their jacket pulled over their head and a mask covering the bottom half of their face. Before you get a chance to dwell on it any further, they take out a gun– and they point it to your face.

There’s a moment in time where you feel like everything freezes. A moment in time where you just stare the gun into its eyes and wait for the person to shoot you, a moment in time where you can’t even think. Your brain clears, the only thought present at the tip of your tongue being– this is not how I imagined to go.

Your hands start shaking as you put them above your head, pupils dilating in terror. You guess this is something you should’ve expected when taking the job in an expensive jewelry store, but even though you’re aware a situation like this could exist in your timeline, you don’t really expect it. It’s like that with all bad things in life– you keep telling yourself that there’s no way something like that would happen to a person like you.

There’s no way your father would leave. There’s no way your mother’s world would crumble. There’s no way you’ll be left in charge of everything. There’s no way you’ll have to be the one to steal groceries because you can’t afford to buy food to put into your sister’s mouth. 

There’s no way a man would pull out a gun on you in the middle of your shift.

And yet, it happened. Everything.

In a moment of absolute terror, though, it feels like the world starts spinning again and the force clutching your chest relaxes a little when you stare into the man’s eyes. 

Strange, isn’t it?

There’s a sense of familiarity in his gaze. Something mirroring a weird kind of surprise, a weird kind of recognition. A million different thoughts flow through your brain, eyes scanning his figure– the skin of his hands as he grips the gun that you now recognise to be one of the kinds you use when you play airsoft, not a real one– the lean posture of his figure, but most importantly, the spark in his dark orbs that somehow invites you to do everything he tells you to. Not because he’d kill you if you don’t– but because somehow, you know this might be of gain for you.

Trying hard to play out your previous panic, riding off the erratic heartbeat in your chest, you walk over to the cash register and open the drawer. Eyes meeting with the intruder, you precisely take out the bills stacked in the register, throwing them on the counter in a careless, yet seemingly nervous manner. 

“The jewelry,” he mumbles, pointing towards the vitrines with his chin, waiting for you to obey his words. 

It doesn’t take you much to take out the drawers full of silver and gold, letting the man take whatever he pleases, his bag filled with expensive chains and rings, all while he keeps the gun on you to get the full effect. 

You could be given an Oscar for how good your acting performance was in this very moment.

Your eyes lock in another meaningful gaze, one that suggests that all cards are on the table now and you share a secret you will never be able to shake off, before he disappears out of the store into the dark. Acting stunned for the camera, you only reach for the phone when you’re certain he’s far enough to not be caught, dialing 911 and telling the line all about the robbery.

Ji Changmin chose the bad jewelry store to rob.

Or maybe, he chose the best one he could.

You find him sitting on one of the tables with built-in benches at the corner of the school yard, alone and seemingly lost in thought. His eyes are dark, deep as the ocean, the black bangs falling into his eyes only helping more with pushing his mysterious appearance. The tie around his neck is a little loose, since Changmin was never the believer of wearing your school uniform properly, and when you approach him, he barely notices your presence. 

Clearing your throat, you finally catch his attention. The male stares up at you, raising his eyebrows in question, as if to ask you what you want from him. And it’s valid– as you’ve never been the one to talk to him first, since he was the self-believed outcast in the school (and self-preserved too, since he never really made any attempts at connecting with others) – but you think that after your recent encounter, you reaching out to him is not something that shall surprise the boy. More so, he should’ve expected it.

“Changmin,” you hum, as if to tell him that he should be the one to talk to you first, the one to bring up the matter. If you really think about it, he should apologize. If not for making you lose your job (which was mostly your fault, because you didn’t make the attempt to call the police on the thief fast enough), then for the emotional damage and very obvious trauma his little play could’ve cost you, had you not recognised him and the fake gun aimed towards your forehead.

“Y/N,” he smiles, the tug of his lips almost looking ironical. He looks like the Cheshire cat, mischief almost reeking of him as he pats the place next to him on the table, legs resting on top of the bench crossed, showing his casualty. “Fancy seeing you here,” he says, and with that, you know he sees right through you.

He knows damn well why you came. Hell, it would be weird if he didn’t. He also knew that you’d come crawling to him first, almost taking advantage of the fact that he has the upper hand on you with knowing the information you confided him with at the police station. No person that steals groceries is a millionaire, after all. Only someone who desperately needs the money goes ahead and steals something so trivial. 

Maybe it's a bit of an asshole move from Changmin, if you really think about it. You let him get away with it, and now, he’s pretending like you owe him one, not the other way around.

“What do I owe the pleasure to?” he asks, tone of voice laced with irony. He is almost a little too lighthearted for someone who robbed a jewelry store just three days prior, and it suddenly makes you wonder if he’s done this before. How often does a boy like him just run around town and steals things from big corporations? You’re all for the eat the rich agenda– it’s just a little weird to think about how skilled Ji Changmin looked in the act. How calm he was. As if he’s done stuff like this before. As if he was an expert.

Was this his hobby? A way to pass time?

“Cut it out, Changmin,” you grunt, tugging the edge of your skirt down as you sit on the table next to him, covering your thighs, “you know why I’m here.”

“I’m afraid I have no idea,” he hums, pursing his lips and acting out a perfectly staged face of surprise. If you could punch him in the face right now, you’d do it. You didn’t notice the boy to be so smug back at the police station– maybe it was your own distress shielding your judgment. 

“Come on,” you roll your eyes, sighing. “I didn’t let you off just to have you laugh in my face about it. Where’s my cut?” you ask, feeling a little impatient at this point.

“Your cut?” he asks, chuckling. “I wasn’t aware you were the one doing the dirty job, you know. All you did was let me off because you were scared–”

“Of your airsoft gun? Mhm, you are so correct,” you cut him off, noticing his face spread into one of irritation. A crease appears in the middle of his eyebrows at your reaction, his jaw hardening when he sees the annoyance in your eyes. You don’t know what he was thinking– that you’re just gonna leave him off with all the money? He couldn’t be that stupid, could he?

“Look, it was me who did the work, so I don’t understand why you would think that you get a cut,” he shrugs, crossing his arms at his chest. 

“You do understand that I can just walk up to the police station and tell them that it was you?” you say, suddenly turning stone cold and serious. You thought yours and Changmin's little secret could do you something good– now it seems that you were wrong. “They wouldn’t bat an eye before sending you to jail, I bet. They have hoards of evidence of your past criminal behavior, but I don’t think they could overlook this one–”

“Now, don’t get all threatening on me, sweetheart,” he grunts, kissing his teeth. “There’s no reason to get all defensive–”

“Oh really!” you exclaim, catching the male off guard as you stand up from your seat, suddenly too heated to be in his presence. “I do believe that I have all the right to get defensive, though! You know damn well I didn’t do this so you can run with the money and spend it on fuckall! Because guess what, Changmin– I did this to get something out of it. Not everyone gets to go around and do stupid shit for fun, so you best believe that when I basically became an accomplice to your crime, it wasn’t just for shits and giggles.”

The male opens his mouth to reply to you, but before he gets a chance to do so, you continue, running your hand through your hair. “And if you think that I steal groceries for fun, then you’re terribly wrong. So if you don’t let me take the part of money I rightfully deserve by basically dropping the hundred dollars worth of jewelry right into your grabby hands so I can survive for the next few days, you best believe I will do something about it.”

There’s a moment of silence between the two of you, the only thing heard around being the chirping of the birds and the sound of the wind hitting your eardrums. Your hair gets in your face from the strength of the breeze, the fabric of your school uniform’s skirt ruffling against your thighs. It’s like the world stopped, something behind Changmin’s eyes changing at seeing your obvious distress. You’re really starting to think this was all a game for the boy. Something to pass the time– something to occupy his bored mind with.

He doesn’t reply to you even after a few seconds, though, which makes you even more mad. The anger is tinted with disappointment and fury as you turn around and shuffle your feet through the school yard, accompanied by the sound of the school bell in the distance announcing your next period. You’re ready to leave the boy there, already thinking of all ways you could go around telling the authorities without ratting yourself out in the process too.

Suddenly, something comes into contact with your wrist, pulling you back. Your legs stumble a bit, but you manage to stand your ground and throw daggers with your eyes at Changmin still holding you in your place. “Let me go–”

“Look–”

“I have class, Changmin,” you grunt, attempting to take your hand out of his grasp, but failing. His hold is firm. Unpainful, but strong. It makes you annoyed.

“Will you listen to me for just a second? Gosh,” he rolls his eyes, dropping your hand as if it was poisoned, shaking his head at your antics. You stare at him with raised eyebrows, waiting for what he has to say after having the opportunity to speak before, but ignoring it altogether and leaving you with the cold shoulder. Did he change his mind in that split second you showed him your back? Did he realize you were serious with your threats?

“Of course I’m gonna give you the cut,” he grunts, scoffing. “What do you think I am? I was just keeping it for some leverage.”

The question sounds a bit ironical out of his mouth, since he spent the last couple of minutes trying to convince you that you have no part in his little robbery and that you have no right for the money he gained from it. The other half of his statement makes you intrigued, though. Not in a good way– just in a way that makes you wonder what the fuck he was talking about.

“Leverage?” you ask, squinting at him in question.

“Well,” he starts, staring at the sky for a split second, as if collecting his thoughts into coherent sentences. Scrambling for something in the back pocket of his pants, he takes out an envelope seemingly filled with cash he’s gained, offering it to you, but retracting his hand as soon as you start reaching for it. “Let’s say I have a bit of a plan for us two. A plan to make even more than this,” he says, pointing towards the envelope.

Squinting at the male, you scoff. As if you would ever agree to something so reckless. If this interaction with Ji Changmin taught you anything, it’s that the boy is not to be trusted. You can’t read him. You can’t tell when he’s joking or when he’s serious, you can’t tell if he’s going to save you or throw you under the bus the moment he has a chance to. And if his plan is anything similar to the ways he’s shown himself to you before, you’re fairly certain that you want nothing to do with his endeavors.

“Yeah, no, thank you,” you say, snatching the envelope from his hand and turning on your heel, ready to leave before he changes his mind again and takes what’s rightfully yours out of your grasp, like the thief he seemingly is.

“Think it over, Y/N. You said you need the money,” he calls after you, not making a move from his previous spot in the corner of the yard. His words sting you a bit, but you guess he’s not wrong– no matter how embarrassed or ashamed you feel of the situation. The outside of the school is completely empty now, everyone back to their classrooms waiting for the lectures to start, letting his words resonate in the stranded field. “I think we could make a very good team.”

Not looking back, you walk through the grass, taking a look at the amount in the envelope. You don’t know the exact ratio he split the money into, since you don’t really know how much he earned after selling everything at the pawn shop, but it’s more than you expected. 

More than you would’ve made with your initial plan.

Still– you want nothing to do with Ji Changmin. This only happened once, and you’ll make sure it never happens again. Associating yourself with someone like him will do you more bad than good in the future, and that’s something you really can’t afford right now. 

No matter how hard he tries to persuade you, you two will never be a part of the same plan.

Lunch breaks are almost always spent alone lately. Or at least that’s how it’s been in the last few months, the last few years. It’s not like you don’t have any friends or acquaintances to spend them with– you’re not that antisocial– it’s just a lot easier to mask the fact that you have no food to put into your mouth when nobody pays attention to whether you eat or not.

The last amount of money you could afford to spend was pressed into the palm of your younger sister when you walked her to school today. There was no way for you to buy something at the canteen, and the last groceries that were edible were eaten last night. There was no way you could satisfy your hunger during the lunch break today, and to spare being embarrassed by the fact that you are barely holding your life together (since you’re 17 and taking care of everything), you decide to spend the few minutes in between classes in the school yard, sitting in the grass at the far corner of the school property.

Your eyes are pressed into your notebook, scribbling away as you try to pass time and ignore the pain in your stomach, chewing on the inside of your cheek in a bad attempt at focusing onto something else. When the sketch of the tree to your right turns out badly the third time in a row, you sigh and scribble all over the little drawing, wanting to see no more of it, wanting it to disappear. The very moment the tip of your pen lifts off the paper, something falls into your lap, the sound of a plastic bag rustling in the wind making you jolt in surprise.

Taking the item into your hand, you notice the sandwich wrapped in a tissue paper staring back at you, as if you wished it to existence and it fell into your lap from the sky with the sheer impact of your thinking. After more consideration, though, you look around and find a raven haired boy looking down at you, an indifferent look adorning his face.

“Changmin,” you hum, acknowledging his presence.

“Y/N,” he nods, taking a seat next to you on the grass, completely uninvited. His invasion of your personal space makes you sigh, but his gesture makes you even more frustrated. Pointing towards the sandwich he threw into your lap, you ask.

“What is this?”

“A sandwich,” he shrugs, “I bought extra, we can share.”

A heartbeat passes of you and him having a staring contest, something inside of you turning bitter at the otherwise nice gesture. Is he making fun of you? Or does he pity you?

You hate both alternatives– you almost can’t decide which one you despise more.

“Look, Changmin,” you scoff, shaking your head in disbelief, “I don’t know what the fuck you’re trying to do right now, but I am not your charity case. Just because you know I’m too poor to buy my own lunch, it doesn’t mean you can humiliate me and do it for me,” you grunt, throwing the sandwich back into his grip. He catches it with no trouble, fast reflexes working on full time.

“I didn’t get it to humiliate you,” he says, rolling his eyes at your antics. It seems to be hard for you to accept actions of service from people– and Changmin somehow understands. He’s been through it with people around him his whole life. They show him any kind of kindness or pity for the fact that his parents decided he wasn’t good enough to keep and threw him into the adoption system, and Changmin feels himself crawling out of his skin. He doesn’t need pity. He hates the considerate looks.

But after years of living that way, he learned to use those instances for his advantage. There’s no excuse as useful to getting him out of trouble as “I’m sorry, I live in a foster home.”

“Yeah? Then why did you?”

Changmin sighs, closing his eyes and paying more thought to how he’s going to reply to you. Speaking with you feels like working with a wild animal– any bad step could shoo you away, or make you attack. He doesn’t want either of those options. Actually, he wants something completely else. “It’s a bribe, really,” he shrugs, watching you and waiting for your reaction.

“A bribe?” you scoff, your chuckle almost sounding amused. “I already told you I want nothing to do with your plan, so you can take your stupid sandwich and fuck off.”

“I’m persistent when I want to be,” he just replies, watching you with an unmoving expression.

Ignoring his antics– as if to test how persistent he really can be– you point your eyes back towards your notebook, scribbling random lines and shapes into the thin paper. There’s only so much silence he can bear before he realizes you won’t pay him a minute of your time, you think, but the more you scribble away and the more the birds around you chirp and the distant voices of kids enjoying their lunch break preserve, the less confident you are in your assumption. Ji Changmin is a strange individual.

“Look, we don’t have to lie to ourselves now, Y/L/N. You know shit about me that could get me to jail, and I know shit about you that you don’t just show to everyone. Involuntarily, but I know that stuff,” he starts, tone of voice almost careful, almost a little caring as he speaks. “You and I both know you need money. And me? Well… I could use some cash too,” he hums.

When he doesn’t get a reply, he continues with his little speech. “You need money and I have a plan on how I’m gonna get it for you. For us. But it will only work if us two do it together. It’s a foolproof plan, but I need you on-board,” he says, clasping his hands together. Glancing up from your paper, you watch him with examining eyes. 

He repays you with eye contact, as if speaking to you through his orbs. There’s a hint of understatement in the air, an aura of a connection you don’t quite comprehend yet, but suddenly, the presence of him in your personal space feels less invading and more… alleviating. Like you’re not judged, like you’re not pitied. 

Your stomach churns and Changmin chuckles, offering the sandwich back to you. There’s a moment in which you contemplate your next decision, knowing that if you take the food from him, it’s your own way of sealing the deal. You have no idea what his plan is, you’re completely unaware of what you’re getting yourself into– for all you know and predict, it’s not going to be the most legal thing under the sun– but the more you think about it, the more you come to the conclusion that with the way your life is going right now, maybe you don’t have that much to lose.

“So? What do you say?” he asks, eyes lighting up when he notices your lack of resistance. “Will you at least hear me out?”

The wind makes his raven bangs move, revealing his forehead. He looks like he has a thousand tricks up his sleeve, hundreds of ways to get his way, no matter what he wants. He looks as sly as a fox, messy exterior with his tie loose around his neck, dress shirt a little wrinkly around the collar. Ji Changmin looks like he’s bad news. Like he can never bring you any good. 

You should stay away.

Still, you take the sandwich into your grasp, hand fishing for the food in the green plastic bag. Biting down into the seemingly homemade lunch, you avert your gaze into the sun. 

“What is it, then?”

“So.. what do you do for work?” you ask, twirling a strand of hair around your finger as you sit facing the man you don’t even remember the name of, a plate of fancy food in front of you almost untouched even though you’ve been starving for multiple days now. Truth is, you don’t really know which fork and which size of spoon to use when having those meals, since you’ve never been to such an expensive-looking place before– and even though you think your current date doesn’t really mind, you don’t feel like adding public humiliation to the list of your worries.

“Oh, I do real estate, honey,” the man replies, smiling at you with something sly in his eyes. Everything about the male sitting currently in front of you irks you a bit. The very obvious power imbalance in between the two of you, the age difference, the different social class… The fact that he only sees you as a young girl to spoil and get to do something more for him– no matter the fact that you’re underage. Judging by the way he kept getting into your personal bubble the moment you arrived at the restaurant, you’d even say he was enjoying the fact. 

You were told to act gullible and stupid. Men like him like that, apparently, and so, despite your best judgment and everything you know about life, you do just that. “And what is that?” you ask, eyes big and curious, putting on your most innocent face.

“Buying land and then turning them over, renting places, all kind of stuff,” he nods, “a lot of money gets around in this sphere, sweetie,” he adds another sugary nickname to the mix, making the hair on the back of your neck stand up all alert, disgust slowly creeping up your neck, but thankfully never reaching your mouth.

“So you’re a landlord?” you ask him, the last remains of your personality shining through as you bat your eyelashes at him, trying hard not to focus on the chest hair peeking out of his opened dress shirt. It’s quite difficult to do when the golden chain around his neck blinds you with every movement, the surface illuminating in the beams of the sunlight. 

God. You should’ve chosen a more attractive male to trick, at least.

The male laughs in shock, not really anticipating such a title. Maybe he’s offended, but still, he doesn’t let it show as he looks you over– mainly your cleavage and the girly way you managed to style your hair today– before he sighs, as if disappointed, yet happy to show you that you were wrong. “Not really, no. I’m a real estate investor, actually.”

Gasping, showing that you now completely understand what he’s trying to explain to you– that he’s basically a landlord, but hates being called that because it isn’t such a fancy title– you take another sip of the champagne in your glass. You’ve never drank before, and quite frankly, you hate the taste of alcohol on your tongue, you despise it with everything in you. If it was your choice, you would’ve ordered orange juice, or something– it seems that the man in front of you would hate nothing more than if you sat in front of him without a tall glass in between your fingers, and so you satisfy his sly looks and leave a lipstick stain on the rim of the champagne flute.

The breeze plays with your hair, sun kissing your exposed shoulders as you bathe in its light. You wore your prettiest sundress today– the one that you only grew into this year after inheriting it from your older cousin– and while you did feel pretty when you looked at yourself in the mirror, you’re not really satisfied with what you’re currently doing. Nothing makes you hate yourself more than working for money like this. Nothing makes you loathe your reflection in the mirror more than hanging out with old rich guys for monetary gain– no matter how beautiful you feel with the dress you got from your cousin three Christmases ago and the sandals you’ve owned since 15 and had thankfully not yet grown out of.

There’s one advantage to sitting outside of the fancy restaurant, though– and that is the fact that your plan is going smoothly. The man’s bag is on the chair next to him, just like Changmin predicted, and although it took you some time convincing him to sit at the table on the edge of the veranda, you’ve done your part in entertaining the male, making sure he’s as distracted as he can be.

Eyes averting to the right, seeing your accomplice with the hood of his black hoodie over his head, a mask over the lower part of his face, you lock gazes in what seems to be some silent kind of communication. One wouldn’t notice him if he hadn’t tried hard enough, but Changmin’s been standing on the other side of the road for as long as you’ve been sitting in the restaurant, keeping an eye on you. He’s dressed all in black, looking all mysterious, but not eye-catching enough for anyone to be suspicious of his presence. 

Raising your eyebrows at him only in the slightest manner, making sure your date doesn’t notice you nonverbally communicating with the teenager on the other side of the street, you get your reply from Changming almost immediately, a nod of his head sent your way to start your little plan.

Ready, yet a little stressed of executing it, you clear your throat and focus all your attention back on the male in front of you again. He’s currently talking to you about something you have yet to grasp, not really interested in the first place– but doubting you’d know what he’s talking about anyway. After hearing a part of his little speech, you conclude that he is mansplaining something to you, and although the fact would make you infuriated with any other male in your presence, you think this is a perfect opportunity to dibble more into your little school girl play. (As if it was a play in the first place.)

Nodding at him, showing that you’re listening, you put on your best doe eyes as you reach over the table and enclose your palm around his. You haven’t watched enough movies about this to know how to flirt with a man, but you think it comes to you naturally as you part your lips the slightest, biting on your lower lip in a sensual manner. It’s inappropriate, not at all something you should be doing at your age with a man at least twice your age, but you can’t help it– if you need the plan to run smoothly, you need all his attention on you and you only.

And it works. It does, you conclude as the man runs his thumbs over your hands and gently pats your leg with his under the table, feeding into your actions. His eyes are focused on your lips and you suddenly pray for Changmin to work quicker– fast enough for the man to not find an opportunity to kiss you, at least. Your brows furrow the tiniest bit, on purpose, of course– to look more dumb, to look more in love and enchanted with the male in front of you– when you notice a figure in black passing the two of you, their hand slipping easily into the opened contraction of the male’s bag.

Changmin works fast. It seems easy to him, you can see it in your peripheral– there’s no wonder that he’s done this countless times before. You wonder why he likes this kind of adrenaline. You wonder how he even taught himself– how he even came to the conclusion that he should try something like this in the first place. Either way, you must admit that it’s kind of admirable. Kind of cool.

You see Changmin taking out something from the man’s bag, and just as silently and unsuspiciously he came, he also disappears. You let the man play with your fingers for a bit more until you’re sure that your partner is a safe distance away from the restaurant on the other side of the street again, before you lock eyes with him, being let off with a victorious crinkle of his eyes.

“Will you excuse me?” you hum, tone of voice laced in sweetness, puckering your lips as you cut the male off, something about an annual turnover hanging in the air as you don’t let him finish. “I have to use the toilet,” you say, already breaking contact with him.

Unsuspecting, the male only nods at you, letting you off. You can almost feel his eyes watching every move of your ass as you walk back to the building. As your feet enter the interior of the fancy place, you don’t even aim for the bathroom– Changmin checked it before you arrived to the restaurant, chewing on his lower lip in distress as he announced to you that there’s no windows in the stalls– and so you take yourself straight to the other side of the room, taking the other exit out. “Look, it’s even easier, Changmin. I’ll just walk out the other way,” you reassured him, concluding the last step of your little plan.

Feet shuffling through the red velvety rug, you pay no attention to the waiters watching you as you walk through the big dining hall, escaping through the other door without looking back. Ji Changmin is standing on the other side of the street, taking off his initial place as soon as he saw you safely inside of the restaurant, waiting for you to rejoin him and celebrate the end of your successfully finished mission.

Running towards him, a smile breaks onto your face. Changmin stays in his place, not going as far as reaching you midway. 

“Did you get it?” you ask, raising your brows at the male.

Wordlessly, the boy shows you a leather wallet, taking it from the right pocket of his zip-up. A gasp escapes your throat at the realization of just how easy this was– just how fast you gained a stack of cash you can use to survive another week. Sure, you still feel a bit weak in your knees, you still feel like your blood pressure is a bit high, but the thought of the green notes soon secured in your hand makes it all worth it.

“Let’s get out of here before he notices,” Changmin says, tugging down his face mask and reaching for your elbow, dragging you to the opposite direction, away from the restaurant.

Somewhere along the way, you start to run. There’s a sense of childlike wonder in you. A sense of excitement you shouldn’t feel from stealing money from someone unsuspecting. Sure, you could argue that the rich person in the restaurant doesn’t need the money like you do– he has enough of it to not even notice its absence– but it was still morally wrong. 

It was still a crime. But hey– you’re only 17 with a seemingly big weight on your shoulders. So if getting the money you need in an illegal way takes some of the pressure off your back, you think you’re not so wrong for being excited about the success of your little plan.

Changmin catches up to you, his face mirroring a weird mix of annoyance and disbelief. He understands, though. The adrenaline of your first act of successful crime is a moment one doesn’t forget. “Wasn’t that hard now, was it?” he asks.

And when you lock your eyes with him again, a foolish laugh escapes your lips. Maybe he was right. Maybe this was the way to go around things.

Maybe it was good to accept his offer. Something about the inkling in his eyes tells you that he won’t betray you. 

Standing in the middle of the aisle, your eyes soaring from the pack of gummy worms you wanted to buy for your little sister and the chocolate bar you’ve been wanting to eat the whole week, you roll the coins in the palm of your hand around, as if counting them over and over again is going to make more money magically appear in your possession. Ji Changmin (who for some reason decided that by being your partner in all things illegal, he has to be glued to your hip at all times when he has nothing interesting to do), standing next to you, sighs at your composure and clicks his tongue on the roof of his mouth.

“Y/N, Y/N…” he hums in disapproval, almost sounding disgusted at the fact that the logical thing hasn’t appeared in your brain yet, “I see you need a bit of a lesson in shoplifting, yeah?” he whispers into your ear, his breath hitting the side of your face and making you jolt away from him.

“What?” you whisper-shout, punching him in the shoulder. “Don’t be ridiculous. What we do is already enough. I’ll just pick one,” you say, rolling your eyes at the fact that your new friend always somehow finds a way to make everything an illegal act. It really must be his hobby at this point, no?

“Whatever you say, sweetie,” he shrugs, but the more he watches you move your eyes from the gummy worms towards the chocolate bar, noticing the sparks behind your eyes every time you eye the rich cocoa treat wrapped in red plastic and the fondness behind your gaze when you eye the sour worms, the more he’s convinced that you’re going to go with his previous proposition. Once the temptation is there, it’s hard to resist it.

And he’s right. A mere second later, you eye him with pleading eyes– as if to silently say ‘okay, you win. Now teach me how to do this thing,’, and that has the boy chuckling at your antics.

“Okay, newbie,” he nods, patting your back. “First thing first, the number one rule of shoplifting is: always choose a gas station. Check! Why? Frankly, the people working here are underpaid university students that could care less about the company they work for, so as long as you’re not too obvious with it, nobody is going to run after you.”

Nodding, showing that you’re following, you wait for the actual tutorial. “Step two,” he says, voice loud enough only for you to hear in the empty store, “look casual. Walk around a bit. Pretend you’re contemplating your choice of treats– check. Wow, Y/L/N, it seems to me that you are a born natural!”

Rolling your eyes at his useless comment, you sigh. Changmin seems to get the hint that you want to know how to actually shoplift, and not how to prepare to do the thing, and so with his next tip, he is a bit more specific, which you welcome with open arms. “Okay, okay. So, now you wanna look for the cameras. Try to look for any blind spots,” he says, casually glancing around the store.

You follow his motions, trying hard to stay as unsuspicious as you can, and before you can say anything or try to find the blind spots he was talking about, the serpent-like boy tugs you by your forearm into another corridor. Your hands are now covered by the regals, only the tips of your scalps visible under the security camera, and before you know it, Changmin ushers another order into your ear. 

“Now, take the more expensive thing and put it into your pocket,” he says. That has you pointing a sharp gaze to him, question marks accompanied by exclamation points striking into his skull, which has the boy utter out a quick explanation to your very confused state. “Trust me. Putting it into your bag is way more suspicious,” he hums, looking around the gas station and pointing his gaze towards the energy drink stand in front of you, acting as if he was contemplating on buying one for himself.

Hesitantly glancing behind your shoulder, finding the coast clear, you chew on the inside of your cheek before you swiftly put the pack of gummy worms into your pocket. Clearing your throat to signal to the boy that you’re done with the task at hand, he turns his head to you and raises his brows, smiling. “Are you ready to pay, finally?” he asks, his voice now a little louder. You think it’s to not cause any more suspicion, since the two of you have been murmuring amongst each other for the past few minutes. 

Humming, feeling a buzzing in your fingertips, heart quickening– you’re really doing this– you nod and let your friend lead you to the counter. You’ve tried shoplifting before, of course, but the last time you did so, you were dragged by your hair to the police station, so you think you have all the right to feel the tiniest bit paranoid when trying for the second time. There is stress settling to your shoulders when you awkwardly shuffle to the counter and put the chocolate bar in front of the cashier, but when you notice the fact that Changmin was right and the clark was barely paying attention to the store at all– there was Candy crush turned on their phone behind the POS machine– the nerves seem to fall off a bit.

“Cash or card?” the girl behind the counter asks– she is chewing on a gum and her neon pink hair is falling into her eyes. She seems a few years older than you, but she seems to be still in college. There are dark circles under her eyes– she seems tired. Not letting yourself to shield your next actions with the usual waterfall of empathy, you clear your throat and try to speak up with the most casual voice.

“Cash,” you peep, taking the hurdle of coins back from your pocket– the one that doesn’t currently hold a pack of gummy worms– and quickly count the sum of money you need, putting it onto the counter.

“You need a receipt?” the cashier asks, completely uninterested in her job. You can tell she has this situation rehearsed– she must have been working here for a while.

“No, thank you,” you nod, taking the chocolate bar into your grasp and spinning on your heel, following Changmin on his way outside of the gas station. Before the door closes behind you, the boy heaves out a cheerful ‘Goodbye!’ which has you mirroring his actions, yet your walking still speeds up with the weight of wanting to be outside and done as soon as possible.

You never know. What if she noticed and a policeman will come and catch you at the last minute for stealing those gummy worms? You can’t afford getting a criminal record– this won’t land you any job in the future.

As soon as your figure moves outside of the building and you’re sure you’re not being followed by anyone and there’s no police cars parked in front of the gas station, you feel the weight of the situation finally leave your physical form, your breathing finally becoming more normal. Changmin glances at you over his shoulder, a grin spreading over his features, patting your shoulder like a proud father. 

“See? Wasn’t so hard now, was it?” he asks, having you roll your eyes at him.

“I’m sorry, man,” you snicker, “I still have some PTSD from that one time…”

“It takes a few tries to perfect the art, I get it,” he says, nodding as if to admit your struggle. It’s hard to believe Changmin has ever failed at anything he tried before– in all situations you’ve encountered with him, he seemed completely capable and knowing. It’s as if he’s been doing this his whole life– and for all you know, he might as well have been.

“Well, not everyone takes joy in doing illegal activities like you clearly do,” you sigh, having the boy look at you with furrowed brows.

Unknowingly, you lead the boy towards your house. He doesn’t seem to mind walking with you, and although you did just commit a crime, you’re happy with the comfort of not having any committed against you– a girl in her school uniform walking home in the evening is an easy target for all men who’d love to take advantage of you and fulfill their dark fantasies. It’s funny to admit that you feel safer with Ji Changmin walking you home, but it’s also a natural cause of the fact that you two have been working together on fake dates with rich men for a few weeks now. (So far, you’ve gone on three. They all worked and went by the plan. You suddenly question why you didn’t say yes to this plan earlier.)

“Living in the foster home makes you fight other people over everything, Y/N-ie. Over food, old donated board games, treats, clothing, parents…” he chuckles at that, a bitter tone coating his words, “my point is… If you don’t take what you want forcefully, it will be taken out of your grasp one way or another. And if that piece of candy is stolen from you by an older kid at the foster home, you’re gonna have to find a way to get yourself one as well,” he explains. 

You feel a little embarrassed for assuming. Changmin doesn’t reveal much about himself to you. Neither do you. For this reason, you’d describe your relationship with the raven-haired boy like something similar to being coworkers. You don’t tell each other about your personal lives, you don’t talk about your issues or intentions. All you know is that the both of you need money, so you’re willing to work together to get it.

The sudden confession hangs an uncomfortable air of vulnerability over the two of you. It’s strange– hearing him chuckle so bitterly about his situation, seeing the shift behind his eyes when he realizes what he just said. You don’t really know what to say back to him– do you console him? Do you try to play it off, ignore what he’s just said? Before you have any chance to take action, though, the boy clears his throat and does damage control on his own. (Which is probably for the best. You wouldn’t want to overstep any boundary– so you’ll act according to his.)

“But after a while, it became kind of fun, yeah,” he laughs, shrugging. “I like the adrenaline rush.”

“You’re a freak.”

“A freak with useful tactics,” he points a finger-gun at you and winks, making you roll your eyes at his misplaced pride, but laugh along with him nonetheless.

It’s good to make fun of your situation sometimes. Didn’t someone say humor is one of the most useful coping mechanisms? Or maybe a sign of unhealthy coping mechanisms? Well, one way or another– you have to cope with it some way anyways. A little joke never hurt anyone.

“Half of that is mine, by the way,” he points towards your favorite chocolate bar in your grasp. “I earned it by helping you get it,” he says, content face beaming at you in mischief.

His features are a little sharper under the yellow lampposts, his dark hair falling into his eyes making shadows appear under his eyes. He looks like a cunning fox– much like always– but you think you’re growing used to the charm. “What?” you huff, face scrunched up in frustration. “I bought this, actually, so–”

“So you’re telling me you would’ve chosen the chocolate bar, had I not opened your eyes to the wonders of shoplifting?”

“What does that even have to do with anything–”

“Exactly what I thought,” he nods, taking the chocolate bar out of your grasp and tearing it open, not even sparing you a chance to defend yourself, “if I wasn’t there, you’d buy the gummy worms, so the fact that you bought this is my work and I deserve a half of your treat, thank you very much.”

“How can you even be so sure–”

“Y/N?” a thin voice calls for you, making you stop the little petty argument you’ve been having with your crime partner and look around, noticing both facts of the reality at once– one: you’ve reached your street, and two: your little sister is watching you from the doorway of your house, big eyes worried and hair tousled. 

She’s still wearing the clothes she wore when you sent her off to school in the morning, and by the way she keeps chewing on the inside of her cheek, you know that she hasn’t eaten. She always does that when she’s hungry and doesn’t want you to know. A pit opens up in your stomach at seeing your sibling in such a state, and although it’s not as uncommon as you’d like to say it is, you know you have to put up your big sister act.

“Aerin-ie? Has mum not come home yet?” you ask, watching as the little girl walks out of the house and through the pathway of your house, standing only a few meters away from you.

“No,” she shakes her head. You’re not surprised by the answer. Maybe, you’re not even disappointed anymore. You learned not to have any expectations when it comes to your mother.

Sighing, you nod, chewing on your lower lip. “Go inside, we’ll eat something together and then you’re going to sleep, you have school tomorrow, okay?” you hum, tone of voice compassionate and gentle, the way you always talk to your sister ever since the issues started. There is no room for quarrel between siblings when you’re too busy making sure your little sister is eating well and going to school. There’s no room for sibling fights when you’re more of a motherly figure now.

“Okay,” she nods, but doesn’t move from her spot in the middle of the yard.

“Well? Go–”

“Is that your boyfriend?” Aerin asks, pointing towards Changmin. You momentarily forgot that he was still here, so when you finally take in his silently standing figure, it almost makes you jump. Waving your hands around in panic, not wanting your young, gullible sister to get any ideas, you eagerly try to take her out of her lapse of judgment.

“God, no. No, no, that’s–”

“Hi! I’m Changmin!” the boy suddenly waves, smiling at your little sister. “I go to school with your sister.”

Aerin watches the boy with big eyes, as if scared. You understand her– Changmin doesn’t seem as the most approachable of people (although his smile does feel unusually warm and contagious right in this moment)– and she didn’t have much experience with male figures in her life to feel secure with any new men entering her life. Not that Changmin will be entering her life anyway– but you get the gist of it.

“You do?” she hesitantly asks.

“I do. Tell her to study more, because if she keeps it up this way, she’s going to have to go back to school with you and retake all the lessons for smaller kids,” Changmin hums, poking fun at you. 

“Hey!” you thunder, kicking the boy into his shin in a weak attempt of defending yourself. “That’s not true!” 

Hearing your sister laugh at your misery– an action you never thought would warm your heart up so much– you lock your eyes with Changmin only for a split second, and in that, you come to some sort of mutual understanding. You talk without words– you learned something about me today, I learned something about you today. Your secret is safe with me. 

He doesn’t know the full truth of it all– quite as much as you don’t know about his life, but somehow, this evening brought you two a little closer. You moved from being coworkers to now being coworkers who know more backstory about each other’s lives, and you don’t really find yourself hating it.

“Y/N got something for you,” Changmin muses, pointing a finger to your pocket. 

Somehow, he has it all figured out.

“Oh, right!” you gasp, taking the gummy worms out of your jacket and offering them to your little sister. Her eyes light up instantly, that kind of joy you only feel when you are 12 and presented with your favorite treat, and you get a solemn feeling on your insides comforting you– you’re doing all you can. She’s smiling. She’s still mostly unknowing.

“I heard they’re your favorite,” Changmin keeps talking to your sister. It’s a surprising sight– how welcoming he suddenly seems.

“They are! Y/N, can I have some?”

“After you eat dinner,” you nod, seeing the little girl furrowing her brows and opening her mouth to protest, a sense of blissful normality shielding you all from reality. 

“But–”

“After dinner, Aerin. Now let’s go inside so you can sleep,” you hum, walking over to your sister, “you get fussy in the morning when you don’t get enough sleep.”

Something about your hand on her shoulder has the little creature moving closer towards your house, the two of you walking alongside each other through the pathway. Looking behind, you wave at Changmin. He offers you a gentle smile– one you haven’t seen on him before. It moves something within you. 

He doesn’t know much, but somehow, he understands.

Before you close the door behind you, you mouth him a silent ‘Thank you’. The boy salutes you before he disappears into the dark.

“Do you want some lemonade or something?” you hum as you enter your house, tugging uncomfortably at the hem of your short skirt, throwing the knock-off purse Changmin got you from the donation bins at the foster home into the corner of the entrance hall. It’s midday, you are supposed to be at school and having your lunch break, but instead, you’re tiredly slugging home with your classmate tailing your back, done with yet another date.

“I’m good,” Changmin shrugs, “I’ll just have some water.”

“Amazing choice,” you nod, pointing towards the tap in your cluttered kitchen, “didn’t feel like making you a fucking lemonade anyway,” you sigh, watching as the boy helps himself to a glass of tap water and you get yourself a taste of the old coffee your mother must have made herself in the morning before leaving, furrowing your brows at the bitter taste.

After you’re done chasing down the thirst that’s accumulated in your throat, you walk upstairs into your room, followed around by the boy. There was a silent agreement between the two of you to let him stay over at least until the acceptable time to come back into foster home was– if he came before school ended, he’d get in trouble. (You wonder why he’s afraid of this and not the fact that he was dragged from the police station multiple times, but you choose to not question him anymore.)

It’s strange to have him in your house. It doesn’t make you uncomfortable, per se– you just wonder how much your living conditions say about you. It’s very clear that you don’t live with your father. He left shortly after your little sister was born and you haven’t seen him since– you wish you could say you don’t mind, because you never really had a good relationship with him anyway, but the truth is, maybe he was the whole reason for the downfall of your quality of life. The mess all around the house suggests that nobody has time or energy to clean it. You try your hardest to keep it relatively clean on most days, but it gets significantly harder when you also try to bring food home into the house. 

If Changmin makes anything out of the state of your living, he doesn’t mention it.

Settling into the mattress of your bed, totally uninvited, he squints at your ceiling. You, on the other hand, turn towards your wardrobe and take out some comfy clothes– the preppy mini skirt you were dressed in before you left to meet up with another rich old guy was starting to get on your nerves. Turning your back to Changmin, you slip your blouse over your head and put on a big T-shirt, one of the clothes you got at the Dollar store when you grew out of your last pajamas, and after you dress yourself in comfortable sweatpants, you walk up to the boy with an outstretched hand.

A mutual understanding falls over you as he puts the leather wallet into your hand. Opening it, you flick through several credit cards, squinting at the owner’s ID– by the birth year on the card, you calculate that he was even older than he told you he was– before you count up the money and cut it in half, throwing the rest into Changmin’s lap. 

The more often you do this, the more you wonder how it keeps working. It’s surprising to see just how many wealthy men are carrying cash around and being reckless with their belongings. Changmin almost never has any trouble with stealing their wallets– either when they’re not looking, or when the man foolishly leaves to the bathroom and leaves his bag behind on the chair. It’s like they’re inviting you to do it, at this point.

The more often you do this, the more you start hating yourself, though. There’s only so much objectifying you willingly submit yourself to before it makes you want to crawl out of your skin. If there was a better way to do things, you would. 

Sighing, you open your sock drawer and sit cross-legged on the floor. Taking out the sock balls and unraveling the items of clothing onto your thigh, putting bills into them and rolling them back into neat balls, throwing them back into their designated place very un-Marie Condo style, you hear Changmin ask a question after minutes of watching you in silence.

“What do you need all this money for, by the way?” he asks. “Except for keeping your sister alive, of course.”

The question has you halting your movements, looking up at the male with a blank look. You two never discuss deep things– you two never talk about your lives and the reasoning behind your actions. You just do things and don’t think of consequences– you just get as much money as you can without telling the other one what you need it for. 

Locking your eyes with him, you shrug. There’s a hint of understatement behind his orbs that shows you that maybe you can trust him. Maybe him knowing isn’t that bad– what could he possibly do with the information? You two know about each other’s crimes far too much to betray each other, you think.

“I… my family… we have debts,” you say, nodding to yourself. Chewing on the inside of your cheek, you chuckle before speaking up again. “My dad left shortly after my sister was born and then we couldn’t really afford paying for the house anymore. My mum refused to move, though, so she got another loan to cover the previous one, but it’s…” you drift off, remembering the day you found out the harsh truth only a few months ago.

You hear your mother’s sobs as you walk into the house after your classes, making your heart drop to your stomach. It’s not every day you hear your mother cry, since she tries hard to pretend everything is okay even though it’s not– and the empty bottles of alcohol waiting by the trash can every day are the clear sign of both that and her not really handling it well. This feels different, though. The crying doesn’t sound like someone pitying themselves once again– the crying sounds like someone in such a deep despair, hopeless and lost.

Socked feet shuffling through the house as you take your shoes off at the door, you find your mother crouching above the kitchen table, a glass in her hand. There’s a sheet of paper staring back at her from the void, the scene almost appearing in front of you in grayscale. You didn’t expect your life to change so much in such a simple afternoon. You didn’t expect to grow up with a click of a finger.

“What happened?” you ask, carefully approaching the wounded animal of your mother. You learned quickly after she picked up drinking that you need to handle the fragile woman with care. A bad word and she could break– an incorrectly crafted sentence and she could turn into a volcano, erupting with screams and swearing, cursing you out.

No answer reaches your ears, though, so your only resolve is to take the paper into your hands and read it over. And now, you’re no expert in legal things and contracts, but it doesn’t take a lot of knowledge to recognise a loan contract. It’s a company you don’t know, though– one of the not famous ones, one of the fishy ones that give you the money quickly– and before you even get a chance to read over the fine print at the bottom of the page, you already know you’re in deep, deep trouble.

The knowledge of trouble only intensifies when you come home to strange men escaping your house one day. There are no groceries in the fridge for a few days after, making it vastly clear to you that your mother simply couldn’t afford to get food for her kids to eat. 

It only takes one crying fit and an argument with your mother to find out the harsh reality– your mother fell for a loan that is too difficult to handle, one that makes you pay back fast and with big amounts monthly. She already had a warning. 

If she is late with her payment again, you lose everything.

“It’s… it’s difficult to pay it back,” you conclude, watching as Changmin only nods in understatement. The air around you is suddenly too heavy, but you figure the whole truth won’t hurt anyone. Maybe the weight on your shoulders would feel lighter if you finally tell someone– however selfish the sentiment feels. “If we don’t pay it back within the next few months, we will lose our house. My mother fell for a loan shark,” you say.

“All the years of her telling us to not fall for scams, and then she does this,” you mumble, trying to make fun of the situation. 

“Y/N, that’s–”

“I was also thinking of leaving one day,” you add as you cut him off, not letting him psychoanalyze you or make you feel like he pities you. “I was thinking of getting enough money to settle all of this and then just… move out. Disappear. I need to get away from this house before it suffocates me,” you bitterly laugh, seeing the boy shift his eyes from the ceiling back at you, pressing his lips into a tight line.

“I get you,” leaves his mouth after a heartbeat of silence. Never in your life have you feared being judged as much as in this moment. It’s strange to face your biggest fear– being vulnerable with someone, opening up to them about everything you’re going through– and find that it wasn’t at all as difficult. It’s strange to face your biggest fear and realize that maybe, you had nothing to be scared of in the first place.

It’s strange to hear that you’re understood. That somebody gets just how hard it is to breathe every day, walking through the house you grew up in, but which is now haunted. If it was anybody else, you’d try to argue with them. How could they understand? How could they possibly know what is going on inside of your head on a daily basis? How could they get the extent of how far you have to go every day just to survive and keep your sister out of the mess, totally unknowing?

Ji Changmin may not know everything about you, he may not be in the same situation, but still; he knows how you feel. Coming from a background like that, you don’t get to keep a lot of freedom either.

“It’s… it’s a work in progress. I don’t really have a plan either, I just… I just know I need to save up enough to sort things out, move out and leave everything behind. I can’t… I can’t keep doing this forever, y’know,” you shrug, snickering to yourself.

Changmin hums in understatement, chewing on the inside of his cheek. He looks so out of place in the middle of your white sheets, dressed in his all black attire. The contrast of his clothes and the brightness of your laundry cuts through all major parts of your life as well– where there’s anxiety, there’s also Changmin’s ability to turn everything into a joke. Where there’s mess and confusion, there’s Changmin’s calculated plans and thought-out strategies. Where there’s loneliness, there’s also Ji Changmin’s sheer presence next to you during the lunch break. It’s strange, just how quickly you found comfort in the serpent-like boy. It’s unfamiliar. The novelty of it all both scares you and comforts you all at once.

The boy is silent for a while before he speaks up, processing the information. As if knowing that there’s nothing he could really say to make you feel better about the situation– or fearing that anything he could utter out would make it worse– he entrusts you with a secret of his own.

“If I don’t get adopted before I turn 18– which, let’s be real, with my history and everything, won’t happen– I age out of the system and I’m all on my own,” he says, shrugging, “I’ll need money to get on my own feet. To leave, too. Fuck, I need to leave that house and this town. I need to start over somewhere where they won’t know every single thing that happened to me in the past.”

You hadn’t realized just how much your plans align when you first nodded to this agreement. You think it adds a sense of reliability now. Both working towards the same plan, knowing that if you fail, the other’s fate is at stake as well. 

Before this, you didn’t know just how serious it was for Changmin– you didn’t know if he needed the money on reckless spending, on buying drinks and cigarettes to chase down his boredom, or if there was a greater sense of ironical responsibility behind it all. Knowing that there’s so much on the table, so much of both of your future’s that are at risk if you don’t try your hardest to make your lives better– because no one else in the whole world will help you, it seems– brings a greater sense of alliance hang in the air between the two of you.

Shared secrets, plans, view of life. Shared responsibilities, burdens, desperation. That bonds two people like nothing else does.

“You can count on me, Y/N,” Changmin hums, tone of voice barely louder than a whisper. Your eyes don’t meet in the confidentiality of it all, but your heart still squeezes on itself. “I’ll get us out of this town even if it’s the last thing I do.”

The low murmur of the school cafeteria lands into your ears as you stand in the line for food, Changmin’s tall figure in front of you turning to face you, an annoyed sigh heaving out of his throat. “Now I remember why I never fucking go to this place.”

“Oh, right,” you nod, shrugging to yourself as if to show your absolute fury with the fact that you’ve been standing in the line for more than 10 minutes now, a third of your lunch break already passing by like a flash, “it was never because I was too broke. The line was always the problem.”

The male in front of you snickers at your ironic remark. You’re convinced you could count the amount of times you’ve been to the school cafeteria to buy lunch on the fingers of one hand. Most of the time, you take whatever remains of food you can find at home with you. Lunch money is reserved for your little sister only– and even that is on special occasions. Usually, you try to buy her the cheapest things you can find at the store downtown– the retailed bread that’s too old to sell at original price now, but still fresh enough to eat– but when you figure you have enough money in the week to spend, you give her enough to buy lunch at school. For you, buying your own warm lunch at school feels like a holiday. You’ve lived through more Christmases than cafeteria lunches, you think.

“Starting to doubt if it’s even worth it anyway,” Changmin fusses, folding his hands at his chest. You don’t think you’ve ever met a more impatient person than him. If things take too long, he gives up on them– like the line in the grocery store the other day. You made the mistake of inviting him to buy groceries with you, but when he realized the self-checkout lines were too long, he just carried your groceries out without paying, grinning at your shocked face the moment you unsuspectedly got out of the store. ‘It’s okay to steal from big corporations,’ he justified. ‘They won’t feel the loss.’

“Changmin, this is my first time buying lunch this year,” you sigh, “have some patience. Of course it’s worth it– it’s a celebration of our hard work.”

“Does this feel satisfactory?” he doubts, pointing a thumb behind him to show the line in front of you two– which, just by the way, moved a ton, meaning it’s gonna be your turn soon. 

“Not yet,” you admit, chuckling to yourself, “but the feeling will come once I bite into the soggy, half-cold pizza. Trust,” you point a finger to him and poke him in his stomach, that has, just by the way, growled in hunger three times since you’ve taken your place in the line for food.

“Of course you chose to get lunch on pizza day…”

“What do you have me for?” you scoff. “I have some culture.”

“Says the person who hasn’t seen Train to Busan before. Girl, you’re the farthest thing from cultured, trust me.”

“You call Train to Busan our national treasure?” you ask, blinking at the boy in pure confusion. You don’t trust a man like Ji Changmin to be the film critic of modern age, to be fair, but you think even this opinion is quite far-stretched.

Changmin furrows his brows at you, clicking his tongue. “You’re only saying that because you haven’t seen the movie.”

“Well, I haven’t been given the opportunity to watch it, so I don’t see how that’s my problem.”

The line finally moves and lets you two get your lunch. The lady behind the counter looks even less pleasant than you remember her– with more gray hair and a more tired expression on her face– and the food isn’t much either even by looking at it. Still, you feel a sense of satisfaction run through your veins when you look at the sad-looking plate. You earned this pizza. This soggy, bad, a little shoe sole-looking pizza. You put a lot of effort into buying this plate, and although it doesn’t necessarily represent the determination, at least it represents the morality of your earned money– and you know what, at the end of the day, you think that’s fair.

Walking away to one of the empty tables in the cafeteria, carrying your tray in both of your hands and following Changmin’s lead, you feel your stomach churn at the image of the pizza on your plate. It sure doesn’t look great, but it looks edible– you still consider it to be a reward.

However, before you get a chance to sit down and bite into the meal, your side suddenly comes in contact with something firm, yet soft, the impact of the hit making you stumble and fall over to the hard linoleum. The tray of food you’ve had in your hands is knocked out of your grasp, falling to the ground with a loud noise, and the force in which you hit the floor makes your butt sting in pain. The moment comes by like a blur, and before you even get a chance to register what happened, a train of apologies lands into your ears.

“Oh my god, Y/N, I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to–” a boy a little shorter than Changmin (that’s just standing by your side, looking a little taken-aback, but still uninterested in the commotion, not at all trying to help you out), stutters out. You recognise him to be your classmate Eric Sohn– one of the people you’ve never really spoken to before, because you had no reason to do so. He is a loud extrovert, a people person, a bundle of never ending energy. He’s charismatic, but not someone you would find yourself hanging out with (not that you really hang out with anyone other than the criminal by your side anyway)– and a little inkling in your brain tells you that one of the reasons for this fact is Eric’s high social status. 

“Are you okay?” he asks, offering you his hand to bring you back up to your feet.

Wincing in pain as you take his grasp and get back into a standing position, you wonder if he was running– there was no way the sheer force of him walking would send you to the ground. Once you take a closer look at the boy, you notice his blushing cheeks and an incredibly guilty look on his face, notifying you of the fact that you haven’t replied to him yet, still too shocked by the events. “I’m okay, yeah,” you nod, eyes shifting to the plate on the ground. It didn’t break, but your pizza slice is very visibly on the ground– and no matter how desperate you are for food right now, you consider it too contaminated to be eaten.

“I am so sorry, Y/N, I wasn’t looking where I was going– oh god, your uniform is all dirty,” he points to your white button-down, now stained with the last remains of the soup that was seemingly in one of the plates your classmate was carrying.

“It’s… it’s okay–”

“I’ll pay for you to get it dry cleaned!” he stammers, eyes wide and bangs falling into his eyes, the boyish, panicked aura around him making you feel kind of bad for him. Which is strange– you are the one in pain and without lunch now. Not him.

“No, really, it’s okay, Eric… It was an accident–”

“And your lunch is ruined! God,” he grunts, scrambling to pick up all the dishes from the floor, cleaning up the mess. “I’ll get you a new one. Just… wait here, I’ll be right back!” the boy assures you, running off with the trays and plates, aiming for the area designated for discarding them. 

Like in a trance, you take a seat at the table, following Changmin. Scratching the back of your neck, you sigh and aimlessly stare at your companion, watching as he eats his pizza. Casually speaking the fact into existence, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world, the male decides to make you choke at his words. 

“You should get on that, Y/N,” he notes, snickering.

“Huh?” 

“You know what I mean. Man’s rich as fuck, Y/N,” he says as he swallows down the bite, shrugging. “He’d fit perfectly into your little plan,” Changmin schemes, pointing a finger at your face.

“Stop being ridiculous,” you grunt, “why would I do that? He doesn’t even like me, so–”

“Oh, as if,” Changmin rolls his eyes, speaking with his mouth full, “he looked at you as if you were Jesus fucking Christ, Y/N. He clearly has a crush on you. And, respectfully, any man would want to get with someone like you– why do you think our plan is working so well? You’re hot enough, that’s why,” he shrugs, making you blink at the male in surprise.

Hot enough? Did Ji Changmin just call you hot? You’d rather not focus on that part of the exchange.

“Shut up, Changmin,” you sigh, “besides, I’m not doing that to him.”

“Why not? I thought our motto was ���eat the rich’, no?” 

“Yeah,” you grunt, nodding to the boy, tone of voice ironic, showing him just how stupid he sounds right in this moment, “but it’s ‘eat the icky old rich men’, not ‘eat unsuspecting, innocent rich’, Changmin. Got it?”

“You’re missing out on–”

“I said no,” you cut him off, pointing a finger right in the middle of his forehead. Something about your authoritative tone gets the point across, making the boy sigh.

“Jeez, okay, if you really say so…”

Opening your mouth to continue on with the sentiment, you’re quickly cut off by Eric’s voice coming from beside you, the boy suddenly appearing at your table. “Here,” he says, a bashful look on his face as he puts the tray in front of you, two slices of pizza and a box of orange juice settled on the red plastic dish, “I’m really sorry again! And…” he starts, scratching the back of his neck, “and here is my number, so if you want me to… uh… pay for the cleaning of that, or whatever, just… let me know, okay?” he smiles awkwardly, pointing to a piece of paper settled under the juice box, having you blink up at him in surprise.

Before you get a chance to protest, Eric pays you two his goodbyes and rushes out of the cafeteria, cheeks red and an expression a little alarmed. You’re not an expert in body language, but the more you think about it, the clearer it gets. 

Ji Changmin is right. Eric Sohn does clearly have a crush on you. 

If that even means anything…

The house is silent. Your naked feet clad through your room as you open your drawer, fingers reaching for the soft fabric of your socks. It’s gotten a bit chilly, so you automatically go and try to warm yourself up with one of your thick garments. Fingers unraveling the sock ball, prepared to find dollar bills inside– already knowing you’ll take a part of it and give it to your sister in the morning so she can get some lunch at school– a momentarily shock washes over you when you find the sock ball empty.

Confused, you furrow your brows and check the insides of the socks. You remember very clearly that you put some of your money into this specific pair just a few days ago. 

Or maybe you didn’t… You’ve been tired the last few days. You could be remembering it wrong. Maybe this particular sock ball didn’t have money in it in the first place.

Still, you reach for another sock ball, hands a little shaky as you look through it. When you notice the lack of bills inside, your heart starts hammering against your chest, sweat appearing on your forehead. Searching through another one and another one and another one, you find all sock balls empty. There is no money where you hid it. It’s all gone.

Thousands of won gone. Vanished. Nowhere to be found.

Where could they go? Who could’ve taken them? 

In the few seconds that pass before the fact that all of your money is nowhere to be seen fully settles into your brain, your feet react on themselves and drag you out of the comfort of your room, making you jog downstairs. Reaching the living room, finding your mother laying on the sofa with a bottle of rum next to her on the ground, you feel the amount of patience you’ve had with her slowly overflowing, frustration taking its deserved place in your body as you scream at her sleeping figure.

“Did you take my money?” you yell, watching as your mother slowly opens her eyes at you and blinks in confusion, the alcohol haze around her stinking and making you sick to your stomach. The woman looks at you with zero ounces of sympathy behind her eyes, no words escaping from between her lips as she continues to wordlessly stare at you.

“Mum! Did you take my money?” you scream, clenching your hands into a fist, chewing on your bottom lip in frustration.

“I needed the money,” she says, a groggy voice cutting through the silent house.

Running your hand through your hair, an amused chuckle leaves your throat. “Did you use it all? Is it all gone?”

“I needed it,” she only adds, turning on her side and proceeding to ignore you, which makes fury hammer against your chest with more force than ever before.

“You needed the money. You needed it,” you laugh, shaking your head in disbelief. “For what, mum? You needed the money to give to Aerin so she could have lunch? You needed the money to buy groceries? To pay for the bills when a man comes to our house and tells me we haven’t paid enough for our electricity bill? You needed the money for all of that, right?” you chuckle, frustration making you kick your foot against the side of the couch. 

“Or did you need the money to buy alcohol, mum? Is that what you needed it for? Is that more important?” you bite, watching as your mother looks at you with stern eyes, the words finally entering her bubble and getting to her heart.

“Don’t speak to me like that. I am your mother.”

“You’re only my mother when you want to scold me!” you yell back, your words resonating through the silence. “Why won’t you be my mother when I need to feed my sister? When I need to take care of the house? Why aren’t you my mother when I need you?!” you scream, a sob involuntarily dragging out of your throat as you finally verbalize the words you’ve been biting back since this whole situation arised. 

“I brought you to this life. I raised you!” she screams back, merciless words stabbing you in the back like daggers coming for your heart. “So when I say I needed the money, I have every right to take it!”

“Do you?!” you argue. “Do you. Did you earn that money, mum? Because the last time I checked, you got fired and the only person trying to keep this family afloat is me!” you scream, watching as your mother sits up in her place, a tired sigh escaping her throat.

“Don’t you dare yell at me!” she gestures with her hand. 

“Well, then don’t take what’s not yours! Because now, I’ll have to work my ass of to get all of that back, because you won’t try to get your fucking life together–”

“Don’t swear at me,” your mother drags out, tone of voice stone cold and serious. It sends chills down your spine, a teardrop trail down your cheekbone and towards your jaw. You have a staring contest with your mother, one in which you question just how much impact your argument has on her– if she recognises the fury and anger and translates it as grief, just like your insides have been doing for so long now. 

Behind her glossy eyes, there’s not much for you to read, though. You lost that ability a long time ago. It’s one of the things you mourn the most.

“Y/N?” you hear a small voice call from behind you. It has you snap your head around and watch your sister shrinking away in the doorway behind you, holding on to the wall. Aerin’s eyes are glossy and scared, shaking from you to your mother, her little face morphed in anxiety as she chews on her bottom lip in nerves.

That has your fury dissolving– at least on the outside. You can’t afford to fail at protecting your sister from everything. Wiping your own tears harshly, you clear your throat and move to her hunched-over body, placing a comforting palm on her back, leading her upstairs to her bedroom.

“It’s okay, sweetie,” you hum groggily, sniffling on your way to the top of the stairs, “it’s okay. Me and mum just didn’t… we had a bit of an argument, but it’s nothing to worry about.”

As you cover up your sister with the duvet on her bed, she looks at you with watery eyes, a little voice shaking as she inquires. “We don’t have money?”

“Of course we do, dummy,” you snicker, shaking your head. “We do. Don’t you worry, Aerin-ie. I’ll take care of everything, yeah? Get those worries out of your head.”

“But you said–”

“Let the adults deal with this, yeah? It’s gonna be fine.”

“But you’re not even an adult yet,” Aerin furrows her brows, restless eyes not closing as she tries to wrap her head around the situation. No child ever should worry about things like this. And she’s right– you’re not an adult yet either, but as the older one of you, you think it’s your responsibility to take care of things. Just because you can’t afford to not worry about your situation doesn’t mean you will let your sister down and drag her with you.

“That’s right,” you sniffle, laughing airly as you rub her upper arm through the fabric of the duvet, “so that means I can still share a bed with you, yeah?” you force a smile to your lips, watching as your sister nods and scoots over in her place, letting you hug her from the side and snuggle into the warmth of her sheets.

“Everything will be alright,” you whisper into her ear, trying hard to provide her head with some distraction.

It’s kind of ironic, if you really think about it. Both of your parents failed you, but you were only truly hit with the reality of your mother’s betrayal. Who is your father if not the first man to ever disappoint you, right? You came to peace with the fact a few weeks after he left for good– you thought you didn’t need him. You could be good without him.

It seems like your mother needed him more than anything, though. Sometimes, you wish she chose her children instead.

Holding your little sister to your chest, you decide to do everything to protect her. You’d do anything it takes if it means she won’t have to worry about her future. If that’s your responsibility, then so be it– you are more than willing to carry it.

“I don’t think this looks right,” you mumble as you stare at your reflection in the mirror, furrowed eyebrows on full display as the girl staring back at you doesn’t look half similar to how she usually appears. 

You’re wearing a skirt you bought from your savings last month– wanting to treat yourself to something nice– and a cropped shirt that shoves a trace of your skin in the midriff. You’re wearing your old shoes that admittedly throw off the whole look a little– but you don’t have anything else to wear, so that’s what you’re going with. The outfit wouldn’t be the strangest thing about your appearance today– although you’re not the one to wear skirts casually, with the only exception being your school uniform.

The thing that is throwing you off the most about your apparel is the coat of makeup on your face. You and Changmin walked into a drugstore after your classes were over, trying your hardest to make you look the most enchanting you can. You did your makeup with the testers, going through three different lipstick choices before your companion was satisfied, and only when you finally escaped the fluorescent lights of the store and looked at yourself in the daylight is when you realize just how different your face looks to its usual.

“It does,” Changmin shakes his head, standing up from his place on your bed and walking over to your figure, prompting a finger below your chin to angle your head a little, staring at you from up close. His eyes glaze over your skin, making your throat dry out from being so closely examined. “You look different, but it doesn’t look bad.”

“It doesn’t look good either,” you sigh, escaping his gaze and turning around in your place, watching yourself in the mirror once again. The male leans against the desk behind him, communicating from your behind.

A sigh escapes Changmin’s throat at your words, rolling his eyes. “Be serious for once. You look good.”

“My face is all cakey,” you frown.

“You only notice when you see it from up close,” Changmin says, “and I don’t think Eric’s gonna look at you from up close. He’d shit his pants.”

“You’re not helping.”

“That’s because you won’t let me help,” he grunts. “No matter how many times I tell you that you look good won’t change the fact that you won’t admit it to yourself.”

“I don’t look like myself.”

“You do!” he runs his hands through his hair, shaking his head in frustration. “You always look pretty, it’s just… today you look like you put more effort into your appearance,” Changmin huffs, his voice growing a little more quiet at the end of the sentence. Your eyes meet with his in the full-length mirror, watching as the tips of the boy’s ears tint a pink hue, the warmth spreading to his cheeks at the compliment that just so casually slipped through his lips. “Which– which is good, because you wanna look like you put effort into a date with a rich boy, y’know?” he adds, chewing on the inside of his cheek.

His words comfort you a bit. Trying hard not to meet his gaze in the mirror– because you suddenly feel a bit bashful under his gaze– you nod to yourself and focus on the hem of your skirt for the thousandth time, making sure it fits right against your skin. “How does one act on a date? I’ve never been on one.”

“You go on dates every week,” Changmin snickers.

“I meant real dates. The dates you have with people your age,” you roll your eyes, watching as the boy cheeses and shrugs to himself.

“Well,” he starts, “he already likes you. Like, a lot. So making him fall for you won’t be a problem, because I’m quite certain it already happened.”

His words have you feeling a little bad for Eric Sohn. He’s just an unsuspecting teenager that just so happens to be born into a rich family. He likes you– quite obviously so– and you’re going to break all the trust he has in you and use him for your own personal gain. It’s not morally good to do anything like this. You should be ashamed of yourself.

But then again, you think of all the paths you have to take just to survive. You lost a lot of money, and you need to get it back again– and you need to do it fast. 

There’s no time for you to feel bad for Eric. You have to think of your sister first.

“I think you just have to pretend you like him back. Like… listen to him when he talks about boring stuff. Smile a lot– he’ll go crazy over your smile. Don’t be too touchy on the first date, or else it would come off as you being too eager, but if you manage to get a casual touch in without being too clingy, that’s bonus points,” Changmin hums, listing off all advice he can think of.

“Just be yourself, honestly. You have the guy wrapped around your finger anyway,” Changmin shrugs. “Let him pay for everything. Abuse the power you hold, Y/L/N.”

Nodding to yourself, you take a mental note of everything Changmin told you. “I don’t think it’s really fair to him, still.”

“Well, when was ever life fair to you?” he asks, tone of voice suddenly more sincere, more tender than the usual way he speaks to you. It has your eyes meeting again in the mirror, an unspoken understatement making you feel a tinge of bittersweetness in your insides, your gaze communicating the words you can’t quite materialize into existence.

The eye contact is broken as the male stands up from his place and pokes your exposed midriff with his finger, laughing at seeing you squirm before he dives into your bed sheets once again, a muffled yell sent your way from the cushion of your pillow.

“Go get him, tiger!”

“Why don’t we finish this at my place?” the man– you think his name was Baekho– asks you with a suggestive smile on his face after he pays for your dinner. 

This man was particularly hard to get to. He seemed smarter than the others– keeping his belongings close to himself, paying more attention to his surroundings. You and Changmin didn’t manage to go along with your initial plan, which made you tense on the inside as it was– his suggestion only made your heart drum harder against your ribcage, the self-preservation instinct within you telling you to run.

“I am actually not really feeling well, so I’ll head home,” you nod, a stern smile fighting its place onto your lips. 

“Don’t be silly,” the male opposes, shaking his head at you like you would at a child when it does something wrong and you can’t believe a human like that will someday grow into a fully functioning adult, “the night is still young, baby.”

Standing up from your place, following his motions, you turn your head sharply around and send a look full of worry to your companion. Changmin raises his eyebrows at you in question, but for the sake of your secrecy, you don’t pay him much of an answer in fear of where an explicit call for help would lead you. 

“Thank you so much for the dinner, really,” you try to seem welcoming, you try to play it off and put up a nonchalant facade, smiling at the man that towers over you, “but I really should get going.”

“Let me give you a ride home, then,” he insists, glazing your elbow with his hand, making you shudder at the action, acid hunting your tongue.

“That won’t be necessary, I don’t live far–”

“Oh, don’t be stupid. Let me show you my car,” the male grunts, harshly gripping your elbow and dragging you away from the restaurant.

One of the biggest mistakes you made today was the fact that you chose to meet with this man in the evening. Most of the dates you go on happen in the afternoon, providing you with more sense of safety– you should’ve known that this gathering would end differently to all the other ones you’ve been to. You get dragged away into one of the poorly-lit alleys, no cars in sight, and you swear you can feel the imprint of his hand burning on your skin.

“Please, let me go so I can–”

“So you think you can just go on a date with someone like me, bribe me to buy you dinner, and then leave me nothing in return? That’s not how it works around here, sweetheart,” the male grits through his teeth, dragging you along the alley despite you trying to wrestle your way out of his grip.

He’s stronger than you, and he’s taking that into advantage. The danger in your chest hammers stronger than any time before, alerting you of the fact that if a miracle doesn’t happen, you’re going to either die tonight, or be marked by the events of this date forever. Oh, what a foolish idea it was to go along with this. You should’ve known this was bound to end in a disaster from how well it’s been going since the start.

Trying to kick around in the male’s grip, huffing and screaming out– but knowing nobody’s going to hear you in the buzz of the nightlife– you gulp on nothing and try to use all your adrenaline for getting yourself out of the situation. 

“Stop squirming, you know it’s not going to help you–” 

The male suddenly grunts, a wince of pain flashing through his eyes. 

A miracle happens. Ji Changmin with his mask pulled up and his cap down low shielding his face appears in your point of vision, a bloody knife in his hand. When your shaky pupils look around, taking in your surroundings, you notice the man crouching down and holding his leg, growling like a wounded animal. 

Too shocked to do anything yourself, you let Changmin drag you behind him with his arm, shielding you from the man. You faintly notice him launching after your companion, but before he has a chance to fight with him, Changmin puts the knife up, threatening the male. You haven’t seen him fight anyone before– only heard of the quarrels he’s gotten into in the foster home or on the streets– but something about his swift movements and the kicks aimed at your attacker makes you feel a little safer, a tinge of relief flowing through your veins. He looks like he knows what he’s doing. He seems to have the situation at least partially under his control.

“Run!” you hear Changmin yell at you, only paying you attention for a spare second as he looks at you over his shoulder. 

You do as you’re told, but still keep looking back at your savior, watching as he kicks the man into his crotch area and slices the knife against the skin of his upper hand before he stabs him again, the pained groans echoing against the walls of the alleyway. There’s something terrifying about Changmin’s skills, leaving you wondering where he learned all of this– but before you get a chance to ponder on the origins of his self-defense skills any further, you hear his voice calling for the male.

“Don’t follow us, or this will end up worse,” he growls, still threatening the male with the pocket knife. “Try to go after us and I’ll tell the police you’re a pedophile– she’s only 17. You heard me?”

When the male doesn’t give him a reply, Changmin lets out a satisfied snicker. “That’s what I thought.”

Changmin runs up to you and drags you by your hand, tugging you out of the alleyway. The bloody knife is quickly hidden in his pocket as you charge through the streets, making sure you’re as far away from the man as possible. You stumble a little over your feet, making Changmin hold onto your hand a little stronger, dragging you behind a corner of a 24/7 bistro on the end of the street two blocks away, hiding you from the sight of the main road by the shade behind the building.

“Shit, are you okay?” he asks, looking you over with examining eyes. His shaky fingers take ahold of your chin, turning your face around to see any possible damage, letting go only when he’s sure there are no bruises on your cheeks, gripping your shoulders instead, breathing heavily. “Fuck. I’m so sorry,” he sighs out, his composure faltering a little, the contrast between him from a few minutes ago to now so big it leaves you weak in your knees.

“I’m okay,” you nod, barely registering the shakiness of your own voice.

The words have him tugging you close to him, arms wrapping around your body. He holds you as if he’s making sure you’re still there, all intact and alive, a hand sneaking into your hair petting it in an affectionate act you’ve never received from the male in the months you’ve spent working with him. “I’m so sorry.”

“Not your fault,” you choke out. The previous sense of danger slowly evaporates out of you, heart relaxing, your brain getting the signal that you’re finally safe and sound. Closing your eyes for a minute, you allow yourself to mold against his figure, foolishly adjusting to the way his grip around you brings you a sense of newly found serenity and calm.

“Kinda is. We’re never doing this again,” he says, and if you tune in with his body hard enough, you feel a slight tremble of his arms. 

“It’s fine, we can–”

“No,” he sighs, “there’s other ways. Safer ones.”

And it’s kind of strange– the way Ji Changmin demonstrates that your safety matters to him more than the money gain you’ve been both chasing after for the past few months. The things you two do to get by are never morally right and never the safest options, but when he lets go of you and holds his face in his hands before giving you a head pat, you know what he means: he’ll rather take the harder way than to leave you so vulnerable ever again.

Your shoes get discarded at the doorstep and your feet are quickly put into the guest slippers that reminds you too much of the ones you see in fancy hotels on the TV– the white, thin footwear you wear only to be polite, since they do nothing to keep your feet comfortable or warm, your heels thudding against the floor with as much force they would’ve if you wore only your socks. Eric takes off your coat and hangs it in the hall, like the true gentleman he was raised to be, and leads you into the house.

The ceilings are high, walls are various shades of white and cream, floors either mirror-like marble or expensive, hard wood. The whole house looks like it was taken out of a furniture catalog or made for one, everything fitting together in a simple, yet polished beauty. The decorations are simple and sleek, but they still make the whole place look put together. The floors are clean, not a speck of dust on either of the bookshelves you pass when the boy leads you into the common area, not a single mug misplaced or a dish forgotten in the sink. The air is fresh in the spacious rooms, yet it’s still quite overbearing, not letting you breathe.

“Do you want anything to drink?” he asks, almost a little nervously.

“Just water is fine, thank you,” you smile, agreeing. Your throat is suddenly dry, almost begging for the cold liquid to splash down and hydrate it a bit before you completely choke out.

Eric nods, leaving you alone in the living room. The big plasma TV seems to be framed against the wall, like an artwork in the gallery, and although it still gets a look full of awe out of you, you find the sentiment a bit ridiculous to look at. You feel like you’re in the Truman show– everyone’s watching your reactions through the camera, laughing at the fact that this is the first time you’ve set your foot into a place filled with so many expensive things, making you scared to even move in fears of breaking something more than your yearly rent. You must look like a deer in the headlights, clueless and shocked at the state of your surroundings, and it suddenly makes you self conscious as you decide to walk around the room and focus on what you’re here for– the plan.

Eyes scanning the contents of vitrines, the crystal glasses and expensive wine bottles, you try hard to mentally calculate the worth of everything in the house– you find yourself failing, though, since you can’t even tell just how much each thing costs, too far out of your league to even assume the price tag. There’s a particular display of jewelry you recognise from back when you worked in the store, scoffing when you add up the prices of the chains you once sold to an old man wanting a gift for his wife’s birthday– something about the number of digits making you feel just the tiniest bit infuriated.

How come some people have so much, yet you have so little? What makes them deserve it and makes you work tirelessly to afford a living? Why can they afford vacations in Greece and Dubai, yet you keep gluing together the last remains of your money to buy groceries for your sister?

It’s ridiculous. It’s frustrating.

Chewing on the inside of your cheek, you move towards a wall filled with pictures– each framed in a white or silver frame so they fit together like a jigsaw puzzle for your eyes, aesthetically pleasing each guest that’s ever crossed the threshold of the house– gazing at the memories captured on the photos. 

You recognise the little boy on all of them to be Eric. There’s a girl, a few years older than him, but undoubtedly his sister, with her arm around his shoulders, a silly smile plastered on both of their faces so similar the resemblance is uncanny. There are a few pictures with all 4 of them on the wall as well, sun shining into their eyes as they all squint into the camera, posing in front of various monuments. A few of the mementos are from the beaches of Europe, some are from the hiking trails of Asia, and the one with Eric’s hair longer and in little curls, very obviously one of the most recent ones with how much he resembles the boy currently in the kitchen fetching you with a glass of water, standing on a surfboard, was taken in the waves of the american west coast. You remember him saying something about having family there, so it’s not unusual for him to visit often.

A knife laced with the green poison of jealousy cuts you somewhere into your abdomen. It’s not only the expensive luxuries he gets to experience that make you long for a life like his– it’s also the carelessness, the joy. It’s the care you see in his parents’ eyes on the pictures, the obvious love shared in the photographs– they’re taken not to boost their privilege, but to remember their happiest moments. You wish you had something like that. A functional family. One that cares for each other. One that doesn’t put obstacles under each other’s feet.

“Here you go,” Eric’s voice wakes you up from the slumber, making you jolt and take the glass of water he’s offering to you into your grasp, taking a sip.

“Thanks,” you nod, smiling. 

Watching Eric from under your eyelashes, you notice his eyes glazing the frames you’ve been focusing on before. Licking his lips, the boy speaks up with a voice laced with genuine absurdity, pointing towards the wall. 

“You must think this is just ridiculous,” he notes, scratching the back of his neck. Eric Sohn isn't stupid– although he grew up in luxury, he can still recognise the imbalance of resources the two of you have. You don’t know why he is being self-conscious about it, though.

“Not really,” you note, shrugging, “it’s just… quite unbelievable, to be fair.”

“Yeah,” he snickers, “we don’t really go on many vacations anymore, to be honest. We used to go on many when I was a kid,” he says, making you recognise the fact that most of the pictures did indeed look older– back from when Eric was younger. 

You never really went on vacations when you were little. There was always something that got into the way– your parents either had a fight just in the middle of the summer, or you simply didn’t have enough money to travel anywhere, since you were surviving from paycheck to paycheck. Chewing on the inside of your cheek, you start to wonder about the difference it makes to miss something you once used to have, and the desire for something you never got to experience. Which one is worse? Or are they not really comparable at all?

“My dad started working much more, so he doesn’t really have time. My sister got married, so she has her own family to worry about,” he shrugs, trying hard to play it casual– somewhere in the depth of his dark orbs, though, you notice that he’s battling away the fact that it upsets him. “I was really close with my sister,” he chuckles, pointing towards one of the picture frames where she’s putting up a peace sign behind his head, photobombing their own picture together, “I miss her sometimes.”

The role of the older sister is perhaps the one you try your hardest to keep. Will your little sister miss you the same way Eric does now with his own sibling? Will it hurt her less or more? Will she resent you? You can’t imagine a world in which your sister hates you– do you choose to protect her always, or do you take a step forward so you can breathe too?

“Does she visit you at all?” you ask.

“Yeah,” he hums. “It’s just not the same. That’s alright, though,” he shrugs, pressing his lips together into a tight line, “little Eric had a very happy family, at least. Can’t complain about that.”

And when you lock eyes with him, the sympathy oozing into the spacious, silent, almost lonely-looking place, you recognize the reality of it all– that no matter how fortunate you are in life, no matter how much money you have, there will always be struggles. Life always has its way of finding your weak spots and hitting where it hurts, strangling you and leaving you breathless in the battle of it all. You either don’t go on vacations at all, or you once did and now you can’t– either way, it hurts to think of what ifs and to remind yourself of all that once was and is now wasted. 

For the first time since you met Eric Sohn, you start to see him as human. You start to see him as someone with his own life, his own emotions, his own struggles. 

Maybe Changmin was wrong to tell you to get closer with the male. Now, having the insight to his thoughts, having the image of his once so idyllic life that’s now so far away, lonely, makes it harder for you to think of what you’re supposed to do when the time comes– mercilessly, completely selfishly. 

You’re not so sure you can proceed with the plan anymore. 

You miscalculated your abilities.

“Do you really need to write it all down?” you squint at your companion, feeling at least a little comical when you watch him scribble down a list onto a lined sheet of paper, blue ink twinkling in the sun. 

“Yeah,” he nods, totally focused on the task at hand. “So we don’t miss out on any important information. Everything’s useful.”

A sigh leaves your mouth at that, making you shaking your head in disbelief. Changmin is currently laying on his stomach in the grass, not a picnic blanket in sight– just his bare shirt against the ground– and as you sit cross legged against the tree in the very corner of the park, enjoying the breeze playing with your hair, you start to wonder just how innocent and carefree you must look to the rest of the people. Just two friends enjoying their weekend in the park. Nothing else. No shady business going on– you promise!

“So you said there was a bunch of jewelry?” Changmin asks, tapping the glitter pen against his chin. You don’t really know where he came across one, but you don’t dare to ask. You know he was eyeing one of the fancy glitter gel pens in the dollar store when you last went to buy a notebook for class with him after school, so you guess you know the source of his newest shiny toy. He’s like a crow, you think. Both with the love for anything that glimmers and the love for stealing.

“Yeah,” you hum, “like at every rich person’s house,” you shrug, not really knowing what his deal was.

“Okay, good. Visible? Unprotected?”

“Are you asking if it was locked like in a jewelry store?” you snicker, rolling your eyes at him. “Because if so, the answer is no, Changmin. Who in their right mind has their personal belongings locked in their own home? Right. No one.”

“Just making sure. I don’t know how it works with rich people, I’ve never been one of those,” Changmin hums, not paying your sarcastic remarks much mind. “But this is good, it works in our favor. What other valuables have you laid your eyes upon during your visit?”

You try to think back to the day you went over to the Sohn’s mansion. You didn’t really see the majority of the house– since Eric didn’t give you a full tour and you didn’t really think it was appropriate to ask for one– so all you know about the stuff he has at home is from the living room, the entry hall and his bedroom. 

“A game console of some kind? I don’t know, dude…”

“A PS5?”

“God, I dunno,” you mumble, furrowing your brows at the boy. “Do I look like an expert?”

“Right,” he sighs, licking his lips. “Well, we can only assume. Next?” 

His glitter pen scribbles the words ‘PS5 (?)’ into the notepad right below the words ‘expensive jewelry’, making you chuckle. You really don’t know what he’s trying to achieve over here– well, the main goal is clear, you’d say– you just don’t really know why he has to have a complete list. It’s not like you’re going to rob his house of everything. You don’t have the capacity to do all that.

“Well, I don’t know. I doubt you want me to carry out his plasma TV or something, so I think this is all I can really give you right now,” you mumble, shrugging. “As if this whole thing isn’t totally immoral in the first place.”

“Y/N, sweetie, I told you to forget about morals long ago.”

“Not everyone is morally gray by default, Changminnie. It takes a while to recalibrate,” you say, rolling your eyes at his phlegmatism. If only you could live your life with Ji Changmin’s mindset. You bet handling a lot of things would be much easier.

Eyes searching through the trees and the greenery, you take a mental note of your sister’s whereabouts. You’re glad you were finally able to take her out of the house. Her friends invited her out, and although it’s only in the neighborhood, you’re much happier with keeping an eye on her, just in case. You’re much more concerned with safety of your little sister ever since you came in contact with breaking the law– you realized just how many people with bad intentions are on the planet, and although you’re not one of the people engaging in child trafficking, something about tasting danger on your tongue makes you feel more cautious when it comes to Aerin’s safety.

She is currently laughing at something with her friends before she runs off, seemingly playing tag. The park is big enough for the girls to roam around without getting on the road, and it’s good for her to get some physical activity in. Shifting your attention back to Changmin, noticing him doodling shapes in the corners of his notebook, your mind settles back into conversation with him.

“Or maybe you’re just starting to like your boyfriend a little too much,” Changmin scoffs, making you furrow your brows in confusion.

“I don’t think me not feeling 100% happy with planning to rob someone I know is the cause of me suddenly being in love with my fake boyfriend,” you note, “that’s just, y’know. Being a human being with basic empathy.”

“Fake boyfriend?” Changmin repeats, completely disregarding the rest of your sentence.

“Well, it’s not exactly real, is it?” you laugh, a hint of discomfort on your tongue. “Makes me feel kinda bad, but–”

“So you’re dating?”

Blinking once, then twice at the boy in front of you, you scratch the back of your neck in nerves. “Is that not what you wanted me to do?”

“No, it is, it’s just… is it, y’know, official?”

“Define official.”

“Does he call you his girlfriend?” 

Plucking a stem of grass from the ground, twirling it around in your fingers– because looking into Changmin’s eyes is suddenly too unbearable in this situation– you shrug. “Sometimes.”

“Ah,” the male nods, an unreadable expression sitting at his face. “So it’s pretty official, then.”

Not really giving him an answer to this argument– both because you’re suddenly a bit embarrassed, cheeks burning and ears ringing (even though you really don’t know what made you have this reaction, since you have no romantic feelings to your current significant other) and because you don’t really know what to say– you only chew on the inside of your cheek, examining the greenery in between your pointer and your thumb.

“Have you two kissed already?” Changmin asks, quite confidentially, making you kick him in the side of his thigh.

“God,” you sigh out, shaking your head. “No!”

The male in front of you clicks his tongue, a grin spreading over his features. There’s a boyish sparkle behind his eye, his expression not understandable to you, making your insides squeeze in a weird tinge of anxiety. “What?” you ask, but get no reply– just a soft laugh coming out of his throat, battling its way to your heartstrings.

“Nothing.”

“Changmin! What’s so funny?” you ask, hiding your cheeks into the palms of your hands. “It’s just– I don’t wanna do it if I don’t like him like that, y’know? It’s not as embarrassing as you make it to be–”

“Not for you, that is.”

“Changmin!”

“What?” he asks, the dimple on his cheek at full display when he faces you, clearly amused at your reaction. “Look, it’s just that if it was me–”

“Changminnie! Changminnie!” a high-pitched, female voice cuts your friend off, making both of you turn your heads towards the source currently running to you at full speed, laughter escaping your little sister’s throat.

“I bet you can’t catch me!” Aerin says, touching your friend by his shoulder to tag him into the game before she runs off, the rest of her friends looking behind their backs and watching as he scrambles up from his lying position, a smile of a beaming sun plastered onto his face.

You never learn what Changmin wanted to tell you that day. You don’t ask later– you forget, not really deeming the information as that important. The memory you have of the afternoon spent in the park is mostly the image of your friend running after your sister, the laughter of the little girl resonating through your brain like a distant taste of childhood you wish to visit.

Ji Changmin is a fast runner, but he makes sure to play according to the girls’ pace. His voice is cheerful as he taunts them, calling after them in the spacious park, and when he looks back over his shoulder at you, eyes locking, your heart is left soaring in your chest before an invisible hand pierces through your lungs and takes the muscle into its hold, as if to offer it to him.

You wish to make your sister’s laugh last forever. You hope to make her joy prominent in the memories of her childhood. You pray she never turns bitter.

And when one of the girls starts chasing after Changmin, her legs half as long as the boy’s, pace slower and muscles more tired, you watch the boy theatrically trip and fall to the ground, shielding his fall with his outstretched arms. The girls laugh as he loses the game, getting tagged, and after the male almost comically slowly gathers back up to his feet again, a thought flashes through your brain– how amazing life would be if it was just you three in it– just you, Aerin and Changmin, spending your afternoons together, free of any trouble.

How happy life would be if every afternoon went like this. How good life would be if you spent days together just like this, like family. 

For the first time since your decision, you start to doubt your life plan. How can you leave a fantasy like this behind? 

How could you ever leave your little sister alone?

“It’s happening soon, right?” Changmin asks, the two of you sitting next to each other on the bus stop. Changmin sometimes takes the bus back to the foster home after class when neither of you have plans, but due to your poor time management skills and awfully slow pace of packing your things up, it just so happened that the poor boy missed the earlier bus– which you tried to repay him for with offering him both your chocolate milk and your time as you stayed with him on the bus stop and waited for the nearest bus to the other side of the town with him.

“Hm?” you ask, a little confused at first. Then, it dawns on you. “Ah. Yeah, I guess.”

Changmin’s voice is soft, almost careful when he talks about the topic. You don’t often discuss your plan out loud together. It happens once a fortnight– after sealing the deal in the school yard that day, there always was a feeling of mutual understanding hanging over the two of you that said that even though it’s the reality you’re striding towards, you don’t really mention it out loud. As if not to jinx it. 

Or maybe, the both of you just don’t really want to discuss something so difficult. It’s easier to prepare for it when you pretend it’s easy. When you don’t open up about just how scared the both of you clearly are.

“Are you… are you ready?” he asks, making you look at him with confused eyes, a hearty chuckle escaping your throat.

“As ready as I’ll ever be– which actually, just for the record, means no,” you say, watching as your companion hums and nods to himself, head clearly full of thoughts he’s a little afraid to say out loud. 

You don’t blame him. Not at all, actually. Your own mind is full of conflicting thoughts and feelings, a battle of morality and selfish desire making a pit open in your stomach every time you think of the next step of your little plan. A part of you desperately needs to leave, to settle things once and for all, but another part of you is still hesitant. Maybe there’s another way. Maybe you could do something about it. Maybe you could try contacting your father again– one more call left to be sent into the voicemail really won’t hurt you right now.

You’ve been thinking a lot of similar things lately. Questioning the nature of your plan. Wondering if you’ll succeed, if it’s all worth it.

You don’t really talk about it, though. Not until now. You don’t know what gets you so weak and fragile. 

“What if… what if there’s another way?” you ask, watching as the boy’s head spins to face you, eyes glossy as they stare back to yours.

“Hm?” he seems confused. “What do you mean?”

A little sigh escapes your throat at that, your head turning so you face the road again. Chewing on the inside of your cheek, you shrug. “I was just… I was just thinking, like… what if there’s a way for me to do all of this without leaving? Y’know, I could just…” you trail off, not really finishing your sentence. Truth is, you don’t really know where you were going with that statement either. Maybe you just said it out loud in hopes that Changmin would finish it and figure it out for you, offer you a different perspective, make a new plan– a plan where neither of you leave, a plan where neither of you have to cut ties with everything you know back home.

That’s a foolish thought, though. “What? Get 20 million won in a month a different way? A legal one? You’re gonna get another loan, or something?” Changmin chuckles, not really taking you seriously. Or maybe he is– you just feel a bit childish for having such unrealistic views.

“I don’t know,” you say, jaw clenching. “Maybe I could get another job, and start going on those dates again, and–”

“Yeah, no,” Changmin cuts you off, a huff escaping his lungs. “I know it’s hard, Y/N, but this is all you can do. This is the last resolution, or else you’re gonna lose your house, your mum will be homeless, and you two with Aerin will either end up with your dad– which is unlikely, from what you’ve told me– or at the foster home. If you’re lucky, maybe they’ll put you both to the same one–”

Something about his words feels like daggers are thrown into your skin. Like poison is on his tongue and you’re getting burned with each honest sentence that is uttered out your way. The truth hurts, it makes you feel like he’s only adding salt to an open wound, and it’s not fair of you to react that way– you’re certainly aware– but you can’t help it. The world is toppling over onto you, the weight is all on your shoulders, and you feel totally, utterly helpless. You feel overwhelmed. You feel tired.

“Okay, I get it,” you cut him off, shaking your head in a dismissive way and rolling your eyes at the boy. “It’s just that I don’t really like the thought of doing illegal stuff just to survive, y’know? It’s not exactly easy to steal and do all of this shit, and then leave. I know it must seem fun to you, since–”

“Fun?” Changmin cuts you off. A heartbeat of silence passes by between the two of you, and suddenly, you know you’ve crossed the line. You and Changmin can tell each other many things, but this time, you sound a lot like the people judging him on the street. You sound a lot like the police officers always letting him off without punishment– he’s a kid from the foster home. He does this stuff for attention, doesn’t he? For fun. For satisfaction. He doesn’t know any better– that’s how he was raised. Right?

“Fun,” he repeats. “You think I’m doing this for fun, huh?” he chuckles. You notice his knee bumping up and down in the periphery of your vision, a nervous action just begging to tick you off. “That’s not exactly something I expected you to say, but okay–”

“Well, that’s how we fucking ended up here in the first place, didn’t we?”

“I’ve been doing this for you!” he spits, voice rising and making you flinch. “For you, and for me. For our fucking futures,” he says. You refuse to look at him even when he stands up from his place on the bench, situating his figure in front of your body still hunched up on the hard wood. “I’ve been doing this for the both of us, because we deserve a better life than this, Y/N.”

“A better future?” you laugh, bitterness dripping off your tongue. “In hiding. On a run.”

“Do you prefer being homeless? Being thrown into the foster home for a few days before you age out of the system and your little sister is left there with the other kids? Kids like me?” he says mercilessly, only adding gas to the fire. 

“You know that’s not what I meant–”

“Oh, trust me, Y/N, I know,” he says, irony slipping through his words. “You’re just saying this because you’re scared. Because you feel selfish–”

“And isn’t it true, Changmin? Isn’t selfish what we both are?” you say, your eyes finally meeting with the boy’s. His hair is disheveled as if he’s been running his hands through it in frustration, eyebrows furrowed and a displeased expression is sitting at his features. On most days, Ji Changmin looks like a cunning fox– full of mischief, full of secrets. Now, though, it’s like you see right through him. Somewhere along the way, you feel like you’re the one that started building up a wall in the middle of this argument. “How could I ever just leave my sister there? You could never understand–”

“I can’t, huh?” he says, nothing close to the gentle softness in his voice now, all disappearing from when he spoke to you just a few minutes ago. His voice is harsh, hoarse, even, something behind his eyes shifting in the middle of the fight. “Why? Because I don’t have siblings? Because I have nothing to lose?”

“You wouldn’t know how leaving someone behind feels,” you let out, but even as you’re saying it, you feel immediately disgusted with yourself. How could you ever say this to his face? 

Changmin looks like he was slapped in his face. You swear he winces at your words, bottom lip trapped between his lips as he stares you down. The corners of your eyes start burning like there’s been acid poured into your sockets, hands trembling in the reality of your words. The boy in front of you nods to himself, harshly breathing in.

“I wouldn’t know how leaving someone behind feels,” he repeats, nodding to himself. “Yeah. You’re right. Because I don’t have anyone,” he admits. “I don’t have siblings like you do. I never met my parents, because they never gave a shit about me enough to keep me in their lives in the first place. Nobody fucking cares at the foster home, because I can’t seem to make meaningful connections with anyone. And you know what, yeah. It’s just so easy for me, because there’s no one here who would give a single flying fuck if I leave, because they don’t even really care if I’m alive or dead.”

“Changmin–”

“Just say it, Y/N. Say nobody cares,” he says, eyes stone cold, an avalanche taking place in your lungs. It’s hard to breathe and your eyes are hazy, fists crawling in themselves as you relish in the catastrophe you’ve caused.

“That’s not what I–”

“And you know what? Maybe you’re right, Y/N. I have nothing to lose, I am not leaving anyone behind, I wouldn’t know how it feels. Call me selfish, for all you like. Call me selfish for wanting something for myself, for wanting to leave this town and start over somewhere new. I don’t care. I’m doing this for myself,” he says, the noise of an approaching car landing in your ears through the sound of his words. “But don’t you fucking dare give up on your future just because you feel guilty. Don’t you dare call yourself selfish when you’re doing everything you can to keep the rest of your family afloat. Don’t call yourself selfish when you’re paying back a loan that isn’t yours and taking care of your sister’s future by doing all of this alone, yeah?”

A hot trail of liquid falls down your cheek as you hear the bus approaching the stop. Taking a shaky breath in, you open your mouth to say something– anything– but no words come out.

“And I know it’s hard for you. I know you’re tired, I know you’re exhausted and I know you’re scared and god do I wish I could make this easier for you, but Y/N, don’t you ever say it’s fun or easy for me, when I’ve been putting everything on line trying to help you. To help us.”

The bus door opens. Like a child that’s being scolded, you refuse to meet his eye. There’s shame flowing through your veins, embarrassment creeping up your neck. It feels like you betrayed him. Like you cut right where it hurts, tried to use everything you had on him against him, hitting all his weak spots– all because you were suddenly too prideful to admit to yourself that you’re scared and wallowing in guilt. It’s hard to bear the weight alone. You wish you could make Changmin feel guilty. 

That’s something he won’t understand. It doesn’t make it easier for him, though. He was right– you could never do any of this differently. You could also never do any of this alone. 

“And if you still think it’s selfish, then, well,” you hear him sigh, “I think it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. I think it’s fair of you to be selfish right now,” he says, the words both feeling like a hug and a punch to your sternum, leaving you cut open in the empty road.

“I’ll see you on Monday.”

The bus drives off, the boy’s figure peeling itself off your proximity, entering the other side of the town. You sit at the bus stop for a long while after, aggressively wiping your tears away with the back of your palm, embarrassed to cause such a scene. You never meant to fight with him. You never meant to act like a toddler, playing the victim in a situation that you sadly cannot change, in a situation you unfortunately cannot solve in any better way. 

Ji Changmin is the only person you can lean on in this situation. You feel bad for using him as your punching bag. You’re deeply flawed to take it out on him. 

In the silence of the street, the thought hits you with full force, making your knees weak and your throat dry up like the desert, a dagger straight through your heart as you realize you’re the only person Changmin would be leaving behind. 

And after everything you two went through together, he would never do such a thing. Ji Changmin will hold on to you like a lifeline, because you’re everything he’s got– everything he keeps fighting for. He could give up on everything, had you not been on board. 

He could never give up on you, though.

Warm sunlight peeks through the windows as you sit in silence side by side, neither of you daring to say anything, as if you were scared to break the atmosphere hanging over the calm library. You and Changmin haven’t talked to each other much the whole day, something in the air remaining tense and strained after your previous argument on Friday, but you still tagged along with him when he asked you if you wanted to do homework with him in the library. This is the first time you see your companion doing any school work at all, so you figure you don’t want to pass out on the revolutionary moment– and also, you still feel kind of bad about your latest interaction. You take the fact that he invited you to spend more time with him as a good sign, though. 

Chewing on the inside of your cheek, you decide to break the bubble and move a little in your place, reaching for something inside of your bag. Changmin promptly ignores your movements, but when a carton of banana milk appears in his vision, he pays you a glance. 

You’re too prideful to say sorry with words. You don’t want to mention it and go back to the topic you were discussing, much preferring to let things be the way they were before you had an emotional outburst at the bus stop. While you can’t say you aren’t glad that the words are now out in the open, the two of you are more vulnerable in front of each other than ever, you really don’t think you can handle another argument. Some things are better left unsaid. Ignored. There was mutual understanding over you two anyway– there was no use saying those things out loud.

And when you move the banana milk closer to Changmin’s elbow resting on the table with a push of your pointer finger across the dark-wooden desk, you see his eyes softening. He understands, taking the drink into his hand and tearing the plastic off the straw, sucking in the beverage. Ji Changmin accepted your offering, and somehow, you feel like there was some weight lifted off your shoulders, a force unsqueezing your heart. 

“You’re not working on your homework?” he asks, voice hushed in the silent library.

“No,” you shake your head, deciding to lean over the desk and rest your weight on your folded arms, prepping yourself into a comfortable napping position. “I’ll just borrow your notebook before class and copy it.”

“Is this you finally admitting that I’m smarter than you?” he teases, shaking his head at your prompt laziness.

“If that helps you sleep at night,” you shrug. 

Changmin snickers at your reply, eyes hovering over you for a few seconds as you get comfortable next to him. He takes another sip of the banana milk before he offers the drink to you, the straw hovering over your lips. Like a baby being fed through a sippy cup, you open your mouth and let him slot the straw between your lips, sucking the liquid in and relishing in the sweetness of the beverage. 

You shoot him a smile when the carton is back in its place on the desk, his eyes promptly moving to the monitor in front of him. You don’t really know what he’s working on in the first place, the hoard of assignments mixing up in your brain, but you refuse to let your mind wander over equations or foreign languages now. It’s Monday afternoon, and even though it’s only the first day of the week, you feel like you deserve to rest.

Changmin types something on the keyboard of the library computer, eyebrows furrowing as he focuses on the contents of the screen. You find yourself glued to his motions, watching him from the side, studying the way his expressions change in milliseconds, irises dialing by the second. When he focuses a little too hard on the information his eyes are scanning on the device, he traps his bottom lip in between his teeth, tugging on it. He also has a habit of licking his lips every few seconds, leaving a wet trail glossing over his mouth, making you feel foolish at the examination of that part of his face. Hair is falling into his forehead, black locks messily trimmed and mostly unstyled, oftentimes leaving you eager to brush your hand through the raven strands to tame them into place. 

His features have grown familiar to you over the months. He has the face of someone you’ll remember even in a few years. He looks like someone you’d take pictures of in photo booths and tape the strips up in your room. You don’t have any pictures like this, though, and your room isn’t worthy enough of being made prettier with such a photo strip. Maybe in the future, you think. When I live somewhere else.

His voice wakes you up from the slumber, your heart hammering at the interruption. Changmin speaks to you casually, the monotone hum of his voice making you listen attentively to what he has to say.

“Where do we eventually want to settle?” he asks, making you raise your brows at him in question.

“What part of the homework is that?” you joke, watching as the boy’s cheeks tint pink, a dismissive wave of his hand shutting up your teasing.

“I’m already done with that,” he clears his throat, “I’m just… doing research.”

“Research,” you repeat, nodding to yourself. You nuzzle your nose into your hoodie sleeve, thinking for a while as you contemplate your decision. You never really thought of where you’d go. ‘Away’ was always your destination– never specified. You just knew you’d have to leave one day, eventually.

“Busan, maybe?” you hum, laughing to yourself. “I dunno. I always wanted to go to Japan, but I don’t think our funds will reach as far.”

“I don’t really think the language barrier would be ideal either,” he agrees, nodding to himself. “Busan sounds nice.”

“Doesn’t it?” you grin, locking your gaze with his only for a few seconds before he looks back to the computer. 

“We could get a little flat somewhere in the middle of the city when we save up enough, eventually,” he says, tone of voice sweet and gentle. There’s something about planning your future with Changmin that leaves you feeling particularly vulnerable and fragile. Not in a bad way, just in a strange type of way. In a way that makes your insides ache and heart tremble. You never thought you’d plan your future with someone. 

Ji Changmin never planned his future either. Somehow, he assumed there was nothing good waiting for him after aging out of the system. 

The intimacy folded over you two like a blanket makes you panic. “We’re moving in together?” you tease, watching as the boy’s face heats up more, a hesitant shrug of his shoulders acted out to seem casual.

“I think it’s more convenient that way,” he hums, trying to stay logical. “We can split the rent and groceries, and one of us can cook while the other one cleans…” he trails off, scratching the back of his neck. “We are leaving together, so I assumed…”

A dumb smile battles its way onto your lips. “I was just joking,” you assure him, watching as he shies away from your gaze. It’s not an usual reaction from him. Ji Changmin doesn’t really get bashful– at least not with you. You try not to question it for the sake of your own comfort.

Forcing your eyes off his face, you watch as he types something on the keyboard again, attention glued to his digits. Dark bruises paint his knuckles, scratches glazing the backs of his fists. Eyebrows furrowing, you act on instinct as you reach out your hand, stopping him from typing as you take his palm into yours. “Did you get into a fight again?” you ask, thumb absent-mindledly tracing the outlines of the scars.

“Maybe,” he admits light-heartedly, lips pressed into a thin line when your warm hand locks with his, the tender touch of the pads of your thumbs against the open wounds making him shiver. If asked, the boy would blame it on the breeze coming through the window. It’s getting late and the air is colder. That has to be it.

“No getting in fights after this is all over,” you say as you let go. “Wouldn’t want our landlord to kick us out for delinquency.”

Changmin laughs, the absurdity of the situation and your foolish dreams downing on both of you at once. Unaware that even though you were both forced to grow up much faster than other kids your age, you were still childish at heart– as if chasing the time of your life that was forcefully taken out of your hands– older, but still needing to live through that stage, you fold back over the table and force your eyes closed, scoffing at the sentiments.

“Don’t you worry, Y/N,” he laughs, “we’re starting clean. Hell, I’ll even give back to society. We can start volunteering, if it makes you sleep better at night.”

The joke makes you chuckle, warming your heart. It’s nice to think about the future with someone. It’s good to feel like your dreams might be tangible. The future is in your hands, and you will do everything you can to make it worth it. 

It’s good to have someone you can lean on.

“Can I help you with that?” Aerin asks you from behind, startling you in the small kitchen space. Turning towards her, you offer her a smile and shake your head, watching as your little sister takes her stance next to your figure, observing your cooking.

When it comes to cooking, you wouldn’t call yourself a professional. A lot of the times, what you end up with isn’t as delicious as you expected it to turn out when you started making it, but at the end of the day, it’s food anyway and you eat it– because throwing it out would be a waste of money and resources, and you have to eat something. There are a few foods that are easy enough that you perfected them, though– and those are ramen, an egg omelet, fried rice, and lastly, the pre-made foods you get at the grocery store that you either just boil or heat up in the microwave. 

“No, it’s okay,” you say as you work on one of your master dishes– the one that satisfies everyone, including your little sister: ramen. You can never go wrong with ramen, you think. 

“But I wanna learn to cook as well,” your sister insists, crossing her arms on her chest, “I’m not a child anymore, and I have to learn how to look after myself.”

A dry chuckle escapes your throat, shaking your head in disbelief at her mature words. In your eyes, she’s just a child, though– a kid that’s not to be trusted with knives and boiling water, a little girl that isn’t as careful with the utensils as she should be, which can undoubtedly end up with her getting hurt. 

“That’s what I’m here for,” you smile, throwing your little sister a caring look. “You just focus on studying and I’ll be there to cook for you so your little stomach is never empty,” you say as you slice the spring onion to add into the noodles boiling on the stove.

Aerin seems to be disappointed with your answer. Her cheeks grow twice as big as they usually are as she pouts, a frown overtaking her features. You take it as your sign to engage your little sister more in the grown-up activities, sighing to yourself as you realize just how fast your little sister has grown. Even though you try to shield her from all the troubles of the adult world, you can’t really prevent her from maturing faster than the other kids her age. Hell, she’s not blind– as much as you’d like her to be. She knows what’s going on. She might not be able to grasp it fully, might not be able to understand everything with her childish brain, but she knows– to a certain level, that is. 

Nodding to yourself, you try to put up a smiling face. “Okay, then,” you say, “I’m making ramen.”

Your sister seems to be intrigued with your sudden tutorial, eyes growing big and focused. Something grows impossibly soft and fond in you, watching her scanning the surroundings, trying to find any task to help you out with. 

“You can just open the pack and put the noodles in the water to boil, if you want to do it the easy way,” you start, “but if you want to make it more delicious, like I do, you can add some other ingredients in with it.”

“What do you add?” Aerin asks.

“Spring onion,” you hum, pointing to the vegetables you’d been cutting when she approached you, “soy sauce,” you point towards the black bottle on the counter, waiting to be opened and added into the dish cooking on the stove, “and lastly, I crack in an egg.”

“That doesn’t seem hard,” Aerin says, earning herself an amused chuckle out of you.

“It’s not,” you admit, “I’m not a professional chef, or anything, so I keep it simple.”

“Can I do it, then?” she asks, looking at you with big, hopeful eyes. You can’t possibly turn those eyes down. A passing thought emerges in you that she needs this– she needs someone to teach her even the smallest things. She needs you to teach her how to cook ramen, because you know how hard it is when you have no one to show you, when you have to figure out everything on your own. 

Nodding, you step aside and put the black bottle of soy sauce into her hand. “You can pour in a little bit. Not too much, though, or else it will be too salty.”

“How much?” she asks, furrowing her brows.

“I’ll tell you when to stop,” you smile, watching as her smaller hand opens the lid of the bottle, positioning the glass above the pot. Black liquid soon drips down, tinting the broth a dark brown color, the spices mixing in and making the ramen instantly twice as delicious as if you’d just thrown it on the stove with the spices that come in the packaging. 

“That’s fine,” you say, halting your sister in adding more and over-seasoning your lunch.

“Now the egg?”

“Yeah,” you nod, watched by the focused eyes of your little sister. You take the small sphere you’ve prepared onto the kitchen counter before you started cooking, offering it to Aerin. “Have you ever cracked an egg before?” you ask.

“No.”

“Okay,” you laugh, “so this is your first time. Don’t worry, nobody gets it right the first time. Just crack it on the counter and then open the shell. Be careful not to spill it everywhere, though,” you instruct, watching as your little sister moves with much uncertainty, small hands shaking with the delicate ingredient in her grasp.

The touch of the shell with the counter is almost delicate the first time, as if she was afraid the egg was going to spill everywhere and make a mess on the kitchen counter, but the second time, she’s a little more confident, cracking the egg on the corner. Pure concentration is shown on your sister’s face as she moves the ingredient above the pot, her little fingers having trouble with opening the shell and dropping the egg in. She struggles, nails digging into the light tan, putting in more force than necessary and breaking the shell even further, having the yolk spill all over her fingers, dropping to the pan with a crash.

Aerin gasps in surprise at her own actions, a frown instantly overtaking her features as she notices that the shell fell in, disappointment so evidently running through her veins.

“It’s okay,” you say, petting her arm, “as I said, nobody gets it right the first time. Throw the shell into the bin and wash your hands, I’ll finish this,” you smile, trying to transfer all your feelings of pride into her.

She is growing up right in front of your eyes. It’s a feeling only older siblings can understand– seeing someone transform from a baby to an elementary-school kid, being there for every step of their journey. You’ve known her her whole life. It’s a bond that you never want to break.

But there’s that bugging voice in your mind that keeps telling you to enjoy this, enjoy it while it lasts, enjoy it while you can, because soon, you’ll be gone and you won’t see her take the next steps, you won’t see her grow up. A chill runs down your spine at that, an unsettling feeling making you feel heavy, making you trap your bottom lip between your teeth and gnaw on it in a poor attempt to ground yourself.

Crouching over the boiling pot, you take out a spoon and fish for the cracked shell in the noodles, not really being in favor of getting an upset appendix. Your eyes get hazy, stinging at the corners– maybe you could blame it on the steam.

“You did well, Aerin. You’ll be a better cook than me in no time,” you praise her.

“I have to learn,” she agrees, the sound of the tap turning on as she washes her hands flowing into your ears with her next sentiment. “You won’t be here forever to do everything for me, after all.”

With your back turned to her, pretending to still dig around the noodles for the egg shells you already got out a few seconds ago, you hum. You catch yourself mid-sniffle, quickly wiping your cheek with the back of your hand, turning off the stove– maybe you could blame it on the spring onion. Cutting it always makes you tear up. It’s just the fumes getting in your eyes.

You won’t be there forever to do everything for your little sister. The day that happens is maybe sooner than she’d expect– you can’t tell her, though. You can’t prepare her for your departure.

By bringing this up, though, it’s almost like in the corner of her soul, she knew. It’s almost like she had it all figured out, it’s like she saw right through you. It’s like her own way of telling you not to worry– she’ll be a big girl and take care of herself. She’ll be strong, even when you’re gone.

You won’t be there forever to do everything for your little sister. You really, desperately wish you would, though. 

Carisoprodol, sold under the brand name Soma among others, is indicated for the relief of discomfort associated with acute, painful musculoskeletal conditions in adults. Carisoprodol is a white, crystalline powder, having a mild, characteristic odor and a bitter taste. It is slightly soluble in water; freely soluble in alcohol, chloroform, and acetone; and its solubility is practically independent of pH. SOMA should only be used for short periods (up to two or three weeks) because adequate evidence of effectiveness for more prolonged use has not been established.

“What if it kills him?” you ask, chewing on your bottom lip.

“It won’t,” Changmin says, placing his hand over yours, the package of pills resting in your open palm. “Trust me.”

The recommended dose of SOMA is 250 mg to 350 mg three times a day and at bedtime. The recommended maximum duration of SOMA use is up to two or three weeks.

“Where did you even get this?” your eyebrows furrow as you listen to him instruct you on the ways of using it. Your stomach is already burning with acid at the thought of what you’re going to do. It’s what you’re dreading, but it’s also what needs to be done. 

“Our caretaker back at the foster home takes them,” he says, shrugging. “So I just borrowed some.”

SOMA has sedative properties and may impair the mental and/or physical abilities required for the performance of potentially hazardous tasks such as driving a motor vehicle or operating machinery. There have been post-marketing reports of motor vehicle accidents associated with the use of SOMA. In some patients, however, and/or early in therapy, carisoprodol can have the full spectrum of sedative side effects and can impair the patient's ability to operate a firearm, motor vehicles, and other machinery of various types, especially when taken with medications containing alcohol, in which case an alternative medication would be considered. The intensity of the side effects of carisoprodol tends to lessen as therapy continues, as is the case with many other drugs. Other side effects include: dizziness, clumsiness, headache, fast heart rate, upset stomach, vomiting and skin rash.

“Just give him two of these. He should be out within an hour.” 

A chill runs down your spine. This is nothing close to the occasional stealing at the grocery store or the lying you used to do to get money out of old men that are predatory towards a girl knowing she’s underage. This is twice as morally wrong and twice as dangerous for everyone involved. If you had to draw a line at what you can excuse yourself, you think all of this is far over it.

“If this goes wrong, I’m ratting you out and we’re both going to jail. You hear me?” you say, eyes bearing into Changmin’s.

“That’s the plan, baby,” he grins. “If you go down, I go as well.”

The usual dose of 350 mg is unlikely to engender prominent side effects other than somnolence, and mild to significant euphoria or dysphoria, but the euphoria is generally short-lived due to the fast metabolism of carisoprodol into meprobamate and other metabolites.

You watch the boy from up close, his eyes now blown out and big, blonde hair falling into his forehead in a messy manner– yet he doesn’t find it in him to drag his palm across the strands and push them out of his vision. You’re laying in the bed with him, side by side, staring into each other’s eyes. You watch as the drug slowly takes over him, as the boy in front of you slowly starts slipping into a more and more sleepy state, completely unaware of the fact that you dropped two white, round pills into his drink when he went to the toilet. 

Your conscience starts stinging more and more with the passing time. Eric Sohn looks at you like you hung the stars onto the sky, like you made the whole world with just your two hands– and this is what you’re repaying him with. This is what you decided to do, this is what path you chose to take.

Millions of excuses flash through your alert brain. Maybe it’s just your mind trying to rationalize everything, trying to make you feel better about the mess you’re just now going to create– either way, it’s helping only a little bit with the rapid beating of your heart. 

You keep telling yourself that it doesn’t matter. That Eric would never understand the life you’re living, that he wouldn’t even want to date you, had he known just how much money your family owes. You keep telling yourself that it’s okay, because he has a lot of money, and it’s not like you’re stealing it all– you’re just stealing the valuables he showed you. And maybe it’s his fault for trusting you. After all, he was the one willingly taking you back to his house when his parents weren’t around. This is his lesson– he should start being less gullible and vulnerable. He should stop hanging out with people like you.

You and him, you don’t belong together. Eric Sohn is supposed to stand by the side of another rich heir, showing her off to his parents. He’s supposed to be proudly going around the town with his newest girlfriend, not hiding with her in the shadows, knowing, sensing that she’s flawed and not like him– not like others.

He’s going to wake up and find out who you are– the reality, not just what you’ve been pretending to be all this time– and he’s going to be disappointed, sure, but he’s going to move on to better things. Because what you’re taking from him is just a fraction of his wealth, just a small part of what he has. He won’t even feel the loss. 

But for you, you’re taking everything you can– everything you need.

It’s not like any of this– your relationship– was ever real. You two haven’t even kissed yet. You hang out with him and hold his hand, you listen to him while he talks to you with sparkles in his eyes, but there’s no depth. Surely, he must feel it. Surely, he must know there’s something wrong.

“I love you, Y/N,” he suddenly says, tone of voice hushed, almost not audible in the silence of his room. The sentence is like a knife to your heart, a dagger stabbing you in your back. Something inside of you crumbles, your stomach burning with guilt, hands shaking as you pretend you didn’t hear him. If you ignore it, maybe it’s like it never happened. 

It’s the effect of the drug. He doesn’t know what he’s saying. It’s not real– how could it be? He doesn't know you. He doesn’t know who you really are and what you’re about to do. He can’t love you.

Fingers playing with the loose threads of the blanket thrown over the two of you, your eyes avert from his, big and honest, still like water. It takes everything in you not to stay here with him, wait until he’s back from the sedation, and apologize. It takes everything in you not to back out. Every time the weight of your actions becomes too unbearable, the weight of responsibility and your family’s well-being drops onto the other side of the scale, though, and you’re back to square one– this is what you need to do.

“You don’t have to say it back,” he says to you despite not meeting your eye, “you… I know…” he trails off, but doesn’t finish the sentence, as if changing his mind. A dry chuckle leaves his throat at that, words sweet like honey lacing your throat, choking you up with the thickness of them, the richness of his unreturned care. “I just wanted you to know.”

You’re a terrible, terrible human being. The force of your teeth against the side of your cheek suddenly gives out, making you taste iron on your tongue. Promptly ignoring everything he says, focusing on calming down your breathing and the erratic beating of your heart, you wonder if he knows. If he’s aware you’re just playing with him– if he knows you never cared for him in a way he does for you. 

Because if he knows, it’s like he’s allowing you to break him. Isn’t that what love is, though? Being vulnerable, offering someone your whole heart, and expecting them to take care of it? Love is cruel in that way. It can take away all of you. It can consume you.

And would he still love you if he knew what you were going to do to him? Is his love unconditional? You chuckle at that. He doesn’t know anything about love. 

A while passes, the two of you laying in silence. When you finally battle away the fear and look up at him, you find him asleep. His eyes are closed and his breathing is steady, and when you touch his arm– testing to see if he will wake– you find him unresponsive. This is your cue.

Standing up from his bed and straightening the wrinkles on your clothes, you take a deep breath in and out to calm yourself down. Your hands grasp the backpack you brought with yourself– the bag that was supposed to be filled with clothes so you could sleep over, yet that is now empty, just waiting to be filled– and you walk out of Eric’s room, feet dragging you towards all the empty rooms in the corridor.

The first part of the plan is now in action.

Walking into the master bedroom, dashing to the walk-in closet, you take all the jewelry you can find. The mental calculations of the worth of the chains and golden earrings in your bag are adding up slowly, the digits growing and making a sense of satisfaction flow through your veins. Maybe something rubbed off on you from hanging out around Changmin so much– you get the thrill now. You get the adrenaline. It’s like working for something you want, something you need, and although you know there are other ways, they’re not as fast and effective. The thing is, you need the money now. 

Fastly getting through room by room, taking everything valuable you can see with the idea of turning it into profit in a pawn shop somewhere along the way, when everything is settled and you’re on the run, starting your life somewhere new, you find that it gets easier to operate. It’s like you’re working on auto-pilot, the full weight of your actions slowly slipping through your consciousness. You’re only an actor in your life right now, looking at yourself from a third person view– like you’re playing a video game. 

Detached from everything, hands now more steady and breathing almost normal, you take the jewelry from the living room as well. A dry chuckle leaves your throat as you eye Eric’s wallet thrown lazily on the shelf by the front door. You never leave your money out in the open and unhidden at home– don’t you know that? Haven’t you learned about the dangers of that yet, Eric Sohn? Oh, what a blissfully unaware life you lead.

Opening it, taking the bank notes into your fingers and folding them into your pocket, you stop as you put your shoes back on at the front door. Looking around the big, empty space, not really allowing yourself to dwell on your actions just yet, you take your phone out of your pocket and before you completely turn the device off, block Eric’s number. 

The doorknob is cold in your hands as you open the front door, walking out. It’s like you’re leaving who you once were and who you could’ve been in that big house behind you– it’s like you’re saying goodbye to the life you once led and anxiously awaiting the new one waiting for you behind the corner. 

Getting sentimental won’t help you in this situation, though. Being emotional and afraid won’t drag your family out of the depths of loan sharks’ teeth. 

And so you walk off the property, mind set on the meeting point you agreed on with Changmin. It’s now or never.

The first part of the plan has been completed. You have something to fall back on when you discard all the money into the loan shark’s hands. Eric Sohn’s wealth is now your safety net. 

You meet up with your partner in crime at the corner of the neighborhood. Your backpack gets hidden in the bushes, away from the eyes of everyone, on the route you’re going to take when completing your second part of the plan. The next couple of steps are completed on autopilot. 

Flashes of Changmin’s face. A ski mask pulled over his head, a hood pulled over your hair, disposable mask covering your nose. He throws one of his spare black hoodies over your body, leaving you to put your arms through the sleeves and zip the clothing up, the two of you masked to the point of not being recognised even to the eyes of people that know you. 

You two make a silent entry to the empty road leading towards the town square. Not much conversation is shared between the two of you because of the adrenaline running through your veins. The stride in your step is consistent and fast-paced, the timing of your plan set to a tight schedule. When you cross the corner, nearing your target, the two of you put on sunglasses and keep your head low. Your heartbeat is so fast you can hear it in your ears, your body responding to the stress with the help of your sympathetic nervous system– breathing growing fast and hands a little sweaty.

Your mind is repeating ‘It’s gonna be okay, It’s gonna be okay, It’s gonna be okay’, a silent plea that constantly gets overthrown by the rational side of your brain. Is it too late to back out now? You don’t know– but at the same time, you recognise that you don’t particularly want to. You’re just scared– you know it. You recognise it. 

And it’s okay to do things afraid. It means you have the courage to do them– it means you have what it takes to change the situation you’re in.

Your eyes lock with Changmin’s, his face mostly hidden in a shadow. You can’t really read his expression– it’s dark and his features are covered– but it seems like you two operate on the same frequencies. One nod is all it takes– the world stops for a second before Changmin turns on his heel and moves towards the jewelry store you once worked at, a heavy rock he prepared close to the sidewalk thrown through the door giving you an easy entry to the property.

The alarm goes off instantly. That means you only have about 10 to 15 minutes before the police come and you’re busted.

You have to act quick. Changmin climbs into the store like he owns the place. You have the background information from working there that could very well get you caught quickly, if the police are smart enough to connect the dots in the investigation. The plan you and Changmin have is efficient, fast and smart. You thought about everything– you can’t make a single mistake. The way you move and operate is calculated and thought-out. There’s no way you’re giving yourself to the hands of the police tonight.

While you run to the back and rummage through the manager’s room, looking for the key to the cash register– you know where it’s usually kept, since you closed with her many times before and watched her do all the tasks with innocent eyes, not yet knowing that you’re going to end up using this information for your good one day. When you find it– on the top of the shelf, almost invisible if you hadn’t known that’s where to look for it– you move to the safe in the corner of the room. The sequence of numbers is easy to remember– or at least for you. Your father used to tell you that you’re good with numbers. You’ve grown to hate every quality of yours he ever complimented, but you must admit it’s coming in clutch right now.

Your fingers work on the lock, the junctures of the metal unclasping under your touch. Your hands are still sweaty, but a little more steady now– you notice as you open the door to the safe and take out the rest of the money binded with rubber bands, throwing it into your backpack. You work fast, not really giving yourself an opportunity to mentally count and estimate the amount, but something in your bones is telling you that it should be enough.

Running back to the main store area after you’re done, not bothering to close the safe after yourself, you reach the register to get the last remains of cash from this store. The alarm is still going off, making your ears ring and your stomach churn with acid, but as you get the key in and forcefully take out the drawer, you feel a little calmer at the sight of the bills inside. 

From the corner of your eye, you watch Changmin getting out jewelry from each shiny glass vitrine, smashing it with his gloved fist. Countless earrings, watches and necklaces get thrown messily into his bag, expensive metal rising your worth with every passing second. 

When the cash is in your bag, you quickly pace around the store and try to help Changmin. As soon as your hand goes to smash the window, though, he takes you by the wrist and shields you from your attempts. Furrowing your brows, you meet eyes with him, wordlessly asking for an explanation. Does he not want your help? Does he want you to fully stick to the plan? But you’re done with your part– the best thing you can do at this moment is help him with his side, no?

Your question is quickly answered when the man keeps tugging on your hand, leading you out of the store. Your feet buckle the tiniest bit when you cross the threshold, but that’s when you hear it– the sirens.

You didn’t notice them over the sound of the alarm and the whooshing of your blood in your ears. You have to leave– they’re close.

Changmin takes the lead, his sneakers making a loud noise against the pavement. You run after him, your pulse quickening with each meter. They could be anywhere, you think. They could stop you right here, on the run. You have to be careful.

The paranoia gets the worst of you, making you constantly check over your shoulder. Pupils shaking, you scan your surroundings– there could be anyone watching you that could tell the police that they saw you on the run. There must be cameras everywhere. You can’t hide. They’re always watching. You’re going to get caught, and you’re going to be sent to juvie. You can’t help your family–

“Y/N,” you hear him call from in front of you, the anxious thoughts vanishing from your brain fast, like the strike of a lightning. 

His sunglasses are off, your eyes meeting. Something inside of you comes to a calm, your heart leaping, squeezing on itself. His hand grabs yours, a force dragging you to his level on the pavement. He’s not letting you fall behind, his legs giving the pace as you follow him, left, right, left, right… You’re almost there. You’re almost done.

It gets to the point of the route where Changmin bends down and searches through the bush. Your backpack is quickly found, thrown over his shoulder. He’s carrying both now, one on his back and one on his front, leaving you leaping behind him with a smaller duffel bag on your shoulder. You carry a lot of money with yourself right now. You don’t think you’ve ever seen so much money in one place in your whole entire life.

And then you’re finally there– the police sirens are no longer audible, there are houses all around you and the only thing accompanying the silence are the lampposts and your heavy breathing. Bending over at his waist, Changmin finally lets go of your hand. His fingers grasp the ski mask on his head, tugging it off and letting him finally breathe in the oxygen freely, not restricted by the thick fabric.

Your heart starts to calm down as you take more air into your lungs. Wiping your sweaty hands onto the fabric of your jeans, you unzip the hoodie and fan yourself with your shirt, hating the way it’s sticking to your sweaty skin. 

It’s calm. Quiet. Just like any other day. Tonight, it feels a bit strange.

Changmin looks up at you, hair messy sticking up everywhere, his sweaty forehead glistening a little in the moonlight. A heartbeat passes by of you two just staring into each other’s eyes before his lips turn into a lazy grin, the dimple on his cheek showing itself to you in its full glory. It’s a strange situation to smile in, but it still makes your heart leap and thunder, a similar expression taking over your face. Then, he laughs. Like it’s funny. Now, this is getting ridiculous.

Still, you can’t help but mirror him. He must be crazy. Surely, you’re both going insane. 

Shaking his head, he straightens his back and takes a step forward to where you’re standing, offering his hand to you for a high-five. When you meet him in the middle, he locks his fingers with you, squeezing your palm with his. “Almost there.”

“Almost there,” you repeat, nodding. 

Now, all it takes is to settle the loans and leave. Leave fast, that is.

You take both of the bags into your hands and slowly, quietly enter your house. Changmin doesn’t follow you– he’s on to the second to last part of your plan as you walk up the stairs to your room and lock the door behind you. Unzipping the bags and dropping the money onto the rug in the middle of the floor, your breathing heavy as you prepare to count, you crouch and let your eyes wander for a bit along the notes in the middle of your room. 

You’re rich. Only for a moment, though. You try to salvage the feeling the best you can– the satisfaction doesn’t hit your brain, though. You can’t fake it. You can’t make yourself believe a lie.

Pulling yourself together, your fingers slip across the smooth surface of each bill, your brain working fast as you rustle with the cotton. The amount gets added up, the sum growing bigger and bigger, and after each ten thousand, you put a rubber band on the roll and drop it back into one of the bags. 

You’re using your school bag to carry the money to settle your family’s debt. There’s something deeply ironic about the sentiment. It almost makes you chuckle.

The light pink backpack gets filled with expensive pieces of paper, each roll lifting the tiniest bit of weight off your shoulders. Only a few more and you have enough, you think– and although you hate to admit it, the remaining sum you see scattered across your floor is less than the amount you expected. It’s okay, though– you know how to live with nothing. You’ll survive. You’ll get through it. 

After you’re done counting, you zip up the bag. Shaky hands reach for the last notes on the floor. You take out the envelope you hid under your pillow and put the money inside before you hesitantly drag out the piece of paper you’ve treasured inside, letting your eyes scan over the last words you’re leaving for your sister.

My sweet Aerin. 

Don’t look for me. Don’t worry about me. You’re safe now and everything is going to be okay. Take care of mum while I’m gone and make sure to study well so you get into a good university and make your big sister very proud. There are some things you are too young to understand, but I’m sure you’ll get it when you’re older. 

Please don’t hate me. I’m always thinking about you. We will meet again one day.

Love, Y/N. :) 

P.S.: keep this money safe. Only use it when you really need it. 

The corners of your eyes burn, making you blink away the tears. Although your heart wishes for one last hug, one last goodbye, you know you can’t grant yourself the benefit. If you held your sister for a second, you know you’d want to hold her forever– and that’s something you can’t do anymore. Not after what’s done. You can’t look back and keep holding on to something so selfishly– there’s no going back after what you’ve done. You’re a criminal now– a proper one, but you did it all for your family. You hope that one day, at least your sister might understand.

Wiping the stray tear that’s rolled down your cheek, you breathe in to calm your erratic thoughts. Putting the letter back in and sealing the envelope, all while simultaneously gathering all the bags, you walk into your sister’s room and leave the envelope under her pillow. 

Her sleeping body is still shorter than yours, but she’s no longer so little. She’s grown so much over the years. The thought of not seeing her grow into an adult pains you, but it’s the price you have to pay for her comfort. 

You close the door to her room quietly. You walk down the stairs of a house you can no longer call a home, foot stepping over the threshold of a place you’re never coming back to. You don’t allow yourself to look behind you. You don’t allow yourself to say a proper goodbye.

The jog towards the car parked in your driveway feels like a marathon– you’re slowly running out of breath. You didn’t train hard enough for the responsibilities you’ve taken on your shoulders. It’s like you’re jogging with a bag of rocks on your back.

Changmin opens the door to the passenger’s side for you. The bags are dropped onto the backseat. When he asks you if you’re ready, you don’t look into his eyes when you nod. There’s a sinking feeling in your stomach telling you that he’ll see right through your lie– but you can’t waste any more time than you already allowed yourself back in the house.

Changmin twists the car key in the ignition and starts the car. You drive away towards the other side of the city. Your baby pink school bag is dropped at the gate of the expensive-looking house of which you found the address of on one of the contracts somewhere in the middle of planning your escape. You drive away before anyone notices. Somehow, it feels like by leaving the bag there, you’re losing your youth with it. You can never take that backpack back to school with you. 

But then again, you’re never going back to school. Somehow, you know you lost your youth before you had a physical reminder. Your shoulders hang heavy even without the weight.

The drive is silent. You try to distract yourself by watching the stars.

When you were little, you promised your sister that you would be by her side forever. She was only 6 when she came home from school crying, telling you that her friends all went out alone without her and talked badly about her behind her back. It took everything in you to not go out of your way to hunt down those little heathens and give them a piece of your mind back then, but you remember it as if it was yesterday, telling your sister that ‘It’s okay, because you will always have me,’ as her big eyes glistened with tears, ‘remember, I’m your best friend forever, okay?’.

You don’t really know if she remembers that day. It was ages ago and she made new friends just two weeks after this whole fiasco, forgetting all about it. It stuck in your brain like a sticker, though, the one that you try to peel off but the residue stays behind, tearing at all edges, getting beaten up and looking rather pathetic– just like your words resonating in your brain, bouncing off the walls of your mind.

You broke the only promise you ever meant. 

“You did well,” you hear a voice cut through the silence, the buzzing of the engine not really lullying you to sleep anymore, “you did the best you could.”

Eyes darting to your companion on the driver’s side, you hear yourself let out a soft chuckle. Teeth catching the flesh in your mouth, biting on the inside of your cheek to battle with the tears begging to haze your eyes, you try to focus on his side profile, studying the slope of his nose and the hair falling into his eyes instead, burning this image into your memory. You do everything but think about the events of the night. 

Still, you ask. “Do you think she hates me?”

“I don’t think she could ever hate you, Y/N,” he says, voice tender and sincere, trying his hardest to fight the battle with you, to hold you up when you’re falling.

“I think that one day, she will grow up and she will understand. She will get why you did what you did,” he hums, eyes still sternly glued to the road ahead of him, “she will understand that you did it for her.”

Swallowing hard, for you feel like there’s a lump in your throat, you nod and look back outside of the window. This is something you’re going to need more time to get through, but this is a start– this is something. You have someone that understands. You have someone who shares the burden. 

“Thanks,” you whisper. 

The lampposts blur behind the glass with the speed you’re going at, your surroundings unfamiliar and strange to you. You don’t really know where you are or where you’re heading to– you let Changmin handle that side of the planning, since you don't really care where you’re gonna end up– but the hills and forests cornering the right side of the landscape make you feel strangely at peace. You must be far, far away from Seoul right now. Maybe you’re heading north. You don’t really mind. Maybe you don’t really care.

“How did you even get this car, by the way?” you ask, turning your head back to the boy in the driver’s seat.

“Oh, this?” he snickers, shrugging. “I know a guy. We used to be friends when he lived at the foster home. He aged out of the system like three years ago, but he knows a guy who knows a guy, and he just so coincidentally had this old thing laying around, so I figured we could use it for some time,” he says, nodding to himself. 

Shaking your head in disbelief, you wonder just how far connections can take you in the world. It’s not quite as easy as if you were born to a rich businessman, per se, but you’ll take the off-handed nepotism of the underground world, if it makes your life go smoother– just for the time being, at least. 

“Do you even have a license?” you ask.

“No,” he shakes his head. “But nobody has to know that–”

“Changmin!” you exclaim, terror shaking with your body.

“You really thought I was allowed to drive a car when you got into the vehicle, Y/N? Come on, I’m a foster kid. Do you really think anyone paid for my license?” he laughs, eyes darting to your figure momentarily, forming moon crescents when he notices the look on your face. “My friend taught me how to drive, though! He got adopted a few months ago, a super rich family– can’t say I’m not jealous, but that’s a story for another time–” he hums casually, as if it’s not a big deal, “and they bought him a car. Anyways, we stayed in contact and he let me try it at this empty parking lot, you know, where the abandoned factory is? And–”

Watching him speak, arms flying around the air making him look like an animated character– going as far as comically noticing that the car is heading to the left by itself when the wheel is unoccupied, quickly taking ahold of it with both hands and trying to make it stay on the road– it’s like a weight is slowly being lifted off your shoulders. It all seems so ridiculous. Insane. Crazy. 

A laugh battles out of your throat. Changmin’s eyes meet with yours, a big smile spreading across his face. A dimple appears on his cheek, his essence contagious. 

Suddenly, you can do anything in the world. Nobody can stop you. You fought with your future. You changed the trajectory of your life. You helped your mother. You protected your sister.

What’s a few years in hiding? 

A foolish thought passes by your brain. You don’t dwell on it much longer, but it’s a nice thing to reflect on when you’re alone in the hostel room late at night, hyper-aware of Changmin’s presence on the other side of the bed– because it’s more expensive to get a room with two beds and it doesn’t matter anyway. You will push it back into the corners of your mind, ignoring it until this moment happens. But it’s there– creeping around, waiting for you to pay attention to it– and it says that as long as you have Changmin, you’re sure you can get on with anything. You can get used to this.

“Aren’t you hungry? There’s some snacks in the compartment over there,” he says, pointing towards it. Magically, your stomach starts to churn– he must have said it into existence. It stinks a lot of black magic, if you really think about it. You knew you should’ve been more careful around him.

Still, your hand reaches for the compartment, opening it. There’s an opened pack of Lay’s chips, a bottle of soda, a wrapped sandwich, and a small chocolate bar, wrapped in red packaging, smiling at you brightly from the darkness of the car. It’s looking at you with big heart-eyes, your favorite flavor of them all– peanut butter covered with tasty milk chocolate, a heaven on Earth– and then reality hits you like a truck again, your eyes burning with the realization.

Fingers wrapping around the treat, you study the packaging for a while– as if you weren’t familiar with it already, having the chocolate bar on days where you really felt like you deserved it, on days where you really felt like you earned it. 

When you look up, you see Changmin altering his point of view between the road and your face, a bashful smile playing with his features. “Bought it for you this time,” he notes, “as a new start.”

A sniffle. Your hands shake a little, your lungs betray you with the intake of oxygen. 

“No, you’re not gonna cry on me now,” he panics, shaking his head, “no, no, no. Open the chocolate and eat it, you moron, we don’t have time to be sentimental–” he grunts, although his intentions are too clear even without words– the silent support still makes your weak heart squeeze on itself. 

You laugh, unwrapping the chocolate and taking a bite. Somehow, you manage to let out:

“You remembered.”

“Of course,” he hums, “how could I forget, I mean, you had a whole hour-long dilemma about it back at the gas station–”

“Shut up, you’re ruining it,” you grunt, tearing a piece of the chocolate bar and holding it up in front of his lips, “I’ll share it with you this one time just to make you shut up,” you say, shaking your head.

The boy takes a hold of your wrist to steady it, taking the sweetness into his mouth. He stays silent for a bit as he chews on it, but his fingers still stay wrapped around your skin as he moves your hand away from his face, resting it on your thigh. Warmth covers the back of your palm as he rests his own on it, his digits intertwining with yours. When he squeezes your fist in tender reassurance, you feel your heart skip a beat.

Orange hues appear behind your window as you drive off the highway. The land is still sprouse with buildings, but you enjoy watching the sun slowly waltz onto the sky, greeting you into the new day. Watching the side of his face as he focuses on parking in front of a lone diner in the middle of nowhere, you finally get in tune with the fact that Ji Changmin’s everything you have right now– everyone you can lean on and fall back on. 

Maybe it’s been that way for a while now, but it only downs on you when you’re essentially on the same level now, no illusions playing with your mind– nobody’s son and nobody’s daughter.

“Breakfast!” he exclaims as he turns the engine off, seemingly impressed with his parking skills. When you get out of the car and he marches up to you, putting a cap onto your head and tugging it low to cover your face, ‘just in case’, tugging you by your hand into the diner, you can’t help but wonder– if anyone unsuspecting saw you right now, 

would you look like lovers, or partners in crime?

[deedeethewriter]

Law and order VS Monsters. Why L&O worked by monsters didn’t

Introduction:

After rewatches, brainstorming, and discussions with others, I have finally decided what is truly the biggest issue with Monsters: The Erik and Lyle Menendez story. No, it’s not the inaccuracies or the incest undertones (although both are a real problem). However, multiple factors hinder this show’s potential as a fresh and unique telling of the Menendez Brothers case. To exhibit this, I will be comparing this show to the much more accurate and much better-written Menendez brothers dramatization, and that is Law and Order True Crime: The Menendez Murders, a Law and Order spin-off that premiered in 2017. It’s far from perfect, has its fair share of inaccuracies, and suffers from pacing issues. But it’s still far better executed than Monsters and the best out of the five Menendez dramatizations. 

This will not be a usual review. Instead, I will compare and contrast the two shows and explain why Law and Order worked and Monsters did not from a pure storytelling perspective. I will break down this comparison into several sections, including plot, subplots, characterization, character development, structure, conflict, abuse allegations, sexual topics, purpose, and overall storytelling.

Just a heads up, I will not compare the characters to their real-life counterparts unless relevant (for example, I address how Monsters wrote Erik’s sexuality and compare it to the actual Erik’s sexuality). In addition, I will not fact-check the inaccuracies in either show; I will look at each show as just that: two series inspired by the same case.

Plot:

(I will keep this brief since this is just a synopsis of both shows)

Both shows take inspiration from the real-life Menendez murders. On August 20th, 1989, Jose and Kitty Menendez were shot dead in their Beverly Hills home. Their two sons, Erik, 18, and Lyle, 21, Menendez, at first deny having anything to do with their parent's murders; however, eventually, the investigation leads back to the brothers being the perpetrators. The brothers eventually admit guilty to killing their parents and, during their infamous trial, make graphic allegations of physical, mental, emotional, and sexual abuse at the hands of both of their parents. However, they claimed they killed their parents in a state of panic, thinking their parents would kill them first to avoid the family secret from getting out. Despite these disturbing allegations and a mistrial, both brothers were sentenced to life in prison at their second trial in 1996; they are still currently incarcerated. 

Both series turn the actual case into a dramatization; despite being based on the same event, both stories use different plots to tell a dramatized story. 

In Law and Order, the main plot is Leslie Abramson’s (Edie Falco) goal of trying to win the Menendez case. Still, along the way, she deals with her issues, such as adopting a baby, disagreements with her husband Tim (Chris Bauer), her problems with her parents, and her growing bond with Erik Menendez (Gus Halper) and Lyle Menendez (Miles Gaston Villanueva). Law and Order is a franchise that consists of police procedural and legal drama; this spin-off Law and Order series, in particular, is being told through the perspective of Leslie, she is the main character here, and the show is about the Menendez Murders is mainly about the behind the scenes drama between the cops, lawyers and legal system surrounding it. 

On the other hand, Monsters aims to create a Rashomon effect about the Menendez case. The Rashomon effect is "a storytelling technique and a phenomenon that describes how people can have different perspectives on the same event." An example would be the film “Elephant,” a 2003 movie loosely based on the Columbine massacre. The film follows the lives of different characters doing their daily routine before the massacre happens at school. Monsters includes perspectives from Dr Oziel (Dallas Roberts), Lyle (Nicholas Alexander Chavez), Erik (Cooper Koch), Dominick Dunne (Nathan Lane), Jose Menendez (Javier Bardem), and Kitty Menendez (Chloe Sevigny), for example. We (the audience) are supposed to explore their different viewpoints regarding this case; by the end, the audience should conclude who the “real monsters” are. 

Both plots are unique in their own right. Before both shows, the only dramatizations of this case were through TV movies: A Killing in Beverly Hills, Honor Thy Mother and Father, and Blood Brothers. All three movies were A to Z stories of the case (before the killing, the killings, spending spree, jail time, and trial) that don’t stand out independently (except Blood Brothers with its ‘Kitty haunting Erik’ thing). Law and Order is a legal drama, and Monsters is a show with multiple perspectives. However, as I will explain, Law and Order had a more polished plot. Despite some pacing issues, it understands its end goal and does better at getting to the show's purpose.

Subplots

A subplot is a secondary plot that acts as a support story for the main story. By the end, the subplot is supposed to enhance and connect to the main plot. Some L&O subplots include Leslie and her husband struggling to adopt a baby, Lyle and his ex Jamie (Jamie Nobel) getting back together, Judge Weisburg’s (Anthony Edwards) reputation and job as a judge, and infighting between the Menendez (Jose’s) and Anderson's (Kitty’s)  families. Some subplots in Monsters include Erik becoming infatuated with another inmate (and trust me, I will get to that), Lyle and Norma Novelli’s (Natalie Taylor Gray) phone calls, and Dominick Dunne’s anger with the justice system after his daughter's killer was given manslaughter instead of first degree murder. Overall, the subplots in Law and Order do what a subplot should do to enhance the story. Even the unimportant subplots go somewhere; for example, at one point early in the series, Lyle is conversing with his lawyer, Jill Lansing (Julianne Nicholson). At one point in the conversation, she mentions her daughter wanting a baby brother, but Jill doesn’t want to give her one.

Lyle, in response, encourages Jill to give her one by saying, “Little brothers are the best.” Lyle then gushes about Erik and how happy he was and still is to have him around. This moment builds Lyle’s character by establishing how much Erik means to Lyle but also later sets up Jill’s exit at the end of the series when she decides not to represent Lyle in the second trial. She explained that while she still cares for Lyle, she felt like she missed out on her daughter growing up because she had spent so much time working on the case for the past three years. This is another issue I had with Monsters; it would introduce plots that lead to nothing significant. While not precisely a subplot, in episode 2 of Monsters, Erik mentions a new girl he’s seeing to his friend Craig Cignarelli (Charlie Hall). This girlfriend is most likely Noelle Terlesky, a girl the real-life Erik was seeing at the time of his arrest. Anyways, after this mention, she’s never seen in the show or mentioned by Erik again. It felt like the writers only mentioned her because she was an actual person in this case, but they had no real plans for her (something I will mention later). It makes me wonder why Erik would mention her if she wasn’t going to do anything in the story. As stated before, Monsters would introduce certain subplots or characters that wouldn’t do anything long-term for the plot. Completely stripping away the point of a subplot, which is supposed to create conflict, develop a character, and add depth to the main story, but the subplots in Monster failed to do that. 

For example, let’s compare the subplot between Erik and Tony's (Brandon Santana) subplot in Monsters vs Judge Weisburg’s subplot in Law and Order. In episode 3, Erik becomes infatuated with another inmate at the LA County Jail who also seems to like Erik, such as staring at him when he isn’t looking and helping Erik get dimes. Later, they’re seen working out together, and Tony brings up the fling to Erik; Erik denies being gay, although he did question his orientation at one point. Later, Erik and Tony are the only ones in the jail shower, and they shower seductively in front of each other. The subplot seems to be leading somewhere, such as a hookup or romance between the two, but no. Two episodes later, we learn from Erik that Tony was moved to another jail. That’s it. No moment shows them hooking up or having a “what are we?” conversation about their little fling. Erik mentions missing Tony to Dr Vicary (Gil Ozeri) in episode 7 (which, btw why would  Vicary's first response to that be "Miss the sex?" LMAOOOO), but this subplot has no conclusion. There’s no epiphany moment for Erik and his sexuality; this subplot did nothing for the plot. 

Let’s compare this to Judge Weisburg’s (Anthony Edwards) subplot in Law and Order. Judge Weisburg, at first, is portrayed as a fair and unbiased judge. He has his banter in court with Leslie before the Menendez trial, but it’s not shown that he has a particular issue with her. However, as the series progresses, he gets a lot of bad press because of the outcome of the Rodney King trial. His reputation as a judge is beginning to crumble, and he’s afraid that not getting a conviction in the Menendez case will be the beginning of the end for his career as a judge with election season coming up. The negative press explains why he becomes more harsh to Leslie during the trial and sabotages the second trial by not allowing any abuse evidence. Even though he is an antagonist in the story, his subplot

Gives his actions a motivation

Develops Weisburg and Leslie's character

It amplifies the plot by causing Leslie a conflict during the second trial (his actions lead to the brother's conviction).

Law and Order did a better job of leading its subplots somewhere, giving them all a conclusion and enhancing the show's main plot, while Monsters did not. The biggest issue with Erik and Tony’s subplot, in particular, is not the nude scene or the ethics of the writing of Erik’s sexuality, but the fact that you can take this subplot out and nothing would have changed. Nothing would’ve been gained or lost; it doesn’t develop Erik’s character, enhance the main plot, or raise any stakes. If Weigburg’s subplot were taken out, it would have taken away Weisburg’s and Leslie’s character development, not given Weisburg a motive, and it wouldn't have given Leslie a conflict for the second trial. A good subplot gives the main plot layers and adds complexity to the story and characters, but monsters don’t seem to know what to do with their subplots. 

Characterization

Law and Order and Monsters both have characters inspired by the real-life people involved in the Menendez case. Of course, we have the Menendez family, Leslie, and Jill, but both projects also include Pam Bozanich, Lyle’s prosecutor; Detective Zoller, the lead detective in the case; Judge Weisburg, the judge for both Menendez trials; Dr. Oziel Erik’s psychiatrist who he confessed to in October 1989, Judalon Smyth, Oziel’s lover who eventually told the police about the brother's crime and members of the brothers extended family such as their aunts, uncles, and cousins. In both shows, their roles seem to be drastically different. 

For one, in Law and Order, Pam Bozanich (Elizabeth Reaser) is a recurring character, but she still has her own story arc and character development. In law and order, she was the prosecutor in the McMartin trial. During the show's events, we learn that she failed to get a conviction during that trial. Still, she wants to desperately prove that she’s a reasonable prosecutor to the District Attorney’s Gil Garcetti (MArk Moses). Eventually, the DA is convinced to give her the Menendez trial, and Pam, thinking about her reputation, is desperate to get a conviction during the trial. Unfortunately for her, she doesn’t, and the DA takes her off the second trial, much to her dismay. Despite this, Pam develops a dislike for Leslie, so she doesn’t seem to mind being taken off the second trial. She said she’d rather eat glass than spend another hour in a room with Leslie. 

Pam Bozanich (Milana Vayntrub) is a character in Monsters; however, she takes on a much smaller role. She only shows up towards the end of the series when the trial begins, but she doesn’t have much of a role despite being a key figure in the Menendez case. This could be because of the two series' different premieres. Law and Order is a legal drama, and she is an antagonist to Leslie’s protagonist there, so it’s understandable why she takes a more significant role there than in Monsters. 

Still, given that Monsters is a show about multiple perspectives, I think the show could’ve benefited from an episode about how she looked at the murders. Dominick Dunne was just a gossip columnist in the show and real life and didn’t know the brothers personally, yet he gets so much screen time dedicated to his perspective on things. 

I had another issue with this show: despite wanting to explore multiple perspectives, it rarely gives time to explore the perspectives of characters who knew the brothers personally, such as their aunts, uncles, cousins, partners, and friends. I think an episode where both sides of their families are discussing their perspectives on what led to the murders would’ve been a great episode idea. Instead, their extended family members are reduced to background characters only added because the writers felt they had to add them because of their real-life counterparts. Even if the writers wanted to focus more on the immediate Menendez family, I still think members of their extended family could have worked as minor characters. Minor characters can be just as important as the main characters sometimes; if written right, they can add depth to the plot, help develop the main character, and help move the main plot forward. Unfortunately, it seemed like monsters didn’t know how to use their minor characters while also focusing on the Menendez family's story and different perspectives on what led to the murders.

On the other hand, Law and Order used their minor characters to move the plot, resolve conflicts, and develop characters. For example, minor characters Andy (Davi Santos) and Diane (Ashley Lenz) show up to tell Leslie and Jill about Erik and Lyle, revealing to them they were being molested when they were younger, and later testify for the defense about it on the stand during the trial. Even though they don't have much to do with the overall story, their testimonies and what they tell Leslie and Jill give the defense the corroboration they need for the brothers' sexual abuse claims in court. Diane's reveal to Jill and Leslie happens before Lyle admits Jose also molested him, so it also makes way for Lyle to be honest about his abuse from his father finally. 

To avoid this getting too long, I will only stick to the Menendez family and their characterization since they are the main focus of both shows (besides Leslie in Law and Order, but I feel it would be an unfair comparison to compare L&O Leslie to Monsters Leslie). But I will say that the Law and Order show does a better job at characterizing not only the main characters but also its recurring, minor, and antagonistic characters. All of the characters, including the antagonistic ones, are well-written. They all have unique personalities, are realistic and relatable, and are developed throughout the series. The main characters are also likable, making the audience want to root for them. I can’t say the same for the characters in Monsters. The characters were not relatable, developed, likable, or even realistic. They seemed more like caricatures instead of actual well-written characters.

Lyle Menendez as a character in Monsters

I won’t beat around the bush; I don’t like the character of Lyle Menendez in Monsters. Lyle is written as a fly-off-the-handle, bratty, arrogant, self-centered, spoiled, disrespectful, foul-mouthed diva that makes him unlikeable. It’s not like this happens when he’s on an adrenaline high or frustrated, but all of the time. In this series, he curses out and yells at his parents multiple times, yells at kids who are trick or treating, yells at a service workers, threatens Dr Oziel, is rude to Leslie (Ari Graynor), makes faces while his brother is testifying, doesn’t seem to care about Erik’s feelings most of the time, and is more concerned about dimes and his hairpiece over the fact that his life is on the line.

As stated before, Monsters was aiming for a Rashomon effect of storytelling. If that was the case, I could understand situations where Lyle is being a dick. I can see people like Oziel or his parents looking at him as a little bastard, but I'm supposed to take his attitude at face value because this storytelling isn’t made clear to the audience. Lyle, in this show, has almost no redeeming qualities. We hardly see a lighter side to his character; the bratty diva thing could have given Lyle’s character more depth and complexity had we seen a more sensitive side to him. Some moments show that he cares for Erik a lot, such as during their reunion at the jail, he advises Erik that he can’t just drink milk in the jail and he frequently tells Erik that he loves him. But the problem is that these are just that, moments. Lyle doesn’t get more layers to his character to balance out his negative qualities. Despite not saying it verbatim, Nicholas Chavez has implied that he took issue with Lyle's character, such as saying in interviews that he was written as the least sympathetic brother. But because he couldn’t do much about Lyle’s characterization, he wanted to play him as someone who acts the way he acts because he’s a profoundly hurt person wearing a mask to shield that hurt. I can see what he means on my second watch of the show. In episode 4, Lyle gets vulnerable about his abuse of Leslie and Jill. In that episode, it’s like Lyle is an entirely different person. You see that he still feels the need to protect his father’s image, and he feels the guilt and shame of being molested but also molesting Erik himself. There, we see just how much he loves Erik. While he wants to protect his father’s image, he also wants to safeguard Erik by not revealing this embarrassing and shameful encounter. We begin to understand that Lyle acts the way he acts because the root of that is insecurity, and his abuse is the main reason why he acts like a child because he’s still mentally a child himself. This episode would’ve been the perfect time to develop Lyle’s character, but the next time he’s on screen, he goes back to being a bratty dick. There’s no personal growth, no change in his morals, and no lesson learned from his moment of vulnerability. As a character, Lyle seems to stick to the “Status Quo is God” trope, where things always go back to the way things were before. It's like the writers didn’t understand the importance of character development.

Despite this, I do have to praise Nicholas’s performance. He is genuinely entertaining to watch and has excellent comedic timing. I am unsure if the writers intended to make his lines as funny as they were, but I mostly laughed when he was on screen. In addition, I can see that he studied the real-life Lyle Menendez. During the trial and court hearing scenes, he’s spot on with Lyle's mannerisms, facial expressions, and speaking. He even got Lyle’s child-like way of speaking when he was being directly examined by Jill down to a T. Unfortunately, his talent was wasted entirely. 

(Real-life Lyle’s wife was also SO excited for him to play Lyle; what a waste, lmao)

Lyle Menendez as a character in Law and Order

Law and order Lyle is a bit more tricky to describe.  Because Leslie is the main character, we don’t spend as much time with the brothers as in Monsters. But we see in Lyle that he’s confident, smooth, overly protective of his brother, naive, empathetic, and puts on a tough exterior even though he’s hurt and secretly emotional. He still has his flaws and moments of being obnoxious. He’s rude to the waitress and his bodyguards and is actively lying to his family, friends, and partner about his involvement in killing his parents. That said, his character flaws are justified from a storytelling perspective. He’s lying because he doesn’t want to hurt his loved ones, and his rudeness reflects how he was groomed at home, which we later see through flashbacks and his opening up about his family life. His rude moments can be chalked up to him mimicking his father; after his rude remark to the waitress, he says, “My dad always gave waitresses a hard time.” From the first episode during his police interview and what Jamie says to him at the hotel, it's clear how much Lyle admires his father and wants to make him proud. In episode 3, Dr. Conte (Raphael Sbarge), Lyle explains to Leslie and Jill that even though Lyle was sexually abused by his father, he still brags about how great of a man his father was and claims to love him; he’s doing something many survivors of abuse do, and that’s idolizing his abuser. So his rude moments are just him reflecting on his father, who he idolizes. This also explains to the audience why he didn’t want to reveal his father's abuse and why he felt so betrayed by him when Erik told him the abuse was still happening. While close to his father, through a flashback narrated by Donovan (Ben Winchell), it’s revealed that Lyle was upset by his father cheating on his mother, and we see multiple moments that show how deeply Lyle loves Erik. This also adds more depth to Lyle’s character. Even with his closeness to his father, he still needs to protect everyone in his family. This plants seeds for the brother's eventual allegations of what led up to them killing their parents. By the end of the series, Lyle has grown from the experience of his parents' murders and the trial. While still putting on a tough exterior, he has learned to be comfortable showing his more sensitive side and more open when expressing his feelings to Erik. At the beginning of the series, he seems to be unbothered by his parents' deaths and brushes off Erik's emotional hysteria. Still, in the second to last episode, he can tell Erik how much he misses his parents. While sticking to the main status quo of his character, Lyle's character still shows excellent character development. He still has most of his main character traits, but he also grows and learns from his experiences, and his sensitive side gives more depth to his character to show that he is a complex individual.

Even though I wish we had more time to explore Lyle’s character, his character here is way better written, realistic, likable, and relatable than his Monsters counterpart. 

Erik Menendez as a character in Monsters: 

As for Erik’s characterization, it's an unpopular opinion, but Erik was pretty unlikable in this show, too. I think the hurt man episode and people being biased towards Cooper have clouded judgment towards Erik’s character here. But in this show, Erik: Gets aggressive with Craig after Craig asks about the murders, yells and curses at Kitty for misspelling a word (a word he also misspelled too, might I add), and continues to scold her, blames his brother for the murders multiple times, yells at Leslie, says he should’ve killed Lyle too, robbed multiple houses, is rude to Oziel, doesn't care that his mom is spazzing in the kitchen, and is the one who came up with the murder plan. Watching this show, I got the opinion that Erik was bratty, passive-aggressive, sneaky, spoiled, and the mastermind behind the killings. Yes, he is more likable than Lyle, but not enough to think he's anything besides a disrespectful spoiled brat. I could say he���s more emotional and feels more guilty than Lyle. In The first episode, Erik is seen as being overly emotional over his parent's deaths, having near mental breakdowns and experiencing nightmares. But it's like his emotions have wholly dropped after the Oziel confession. There’s a lack of complexity in Erik’s character. I left the show looking at him like a toned-down Lyle. To echo what I said earlier, I can see someone like Dr. Oziel and his parents view him as a bratty kid, but with the lack of a narrator or establishing the story’s goal, I am supposed to accept that Erik is just as bratty as his brother. 

Erik also comes across as quite a jerk. When Craig tries to pry a confession out of him, Erik, for some reason, tries to intimate him. The show does not clarify why Erik got aggressive like this; it makes him seem like a passive-aggressive cold-blooded psycho. He doesn’t develop from this either; in the last episode, he pushes Lyle against the wall and says he should’ve killed him, too. Yes, the argument could be made that Lyle had been picking on him before this, but it shows Erik's lack of character development by showing that he is still an aggressive jerk. 

However, Cooper Koch's outstanding performance also saves Erik's characterization. The Hurt Man episode was excellent. Not only does Erik lay out his abuse at the hands of his father, but we also explore other things about Erik. Such as his complex feelings towards his parents, his idolization of Lyle, his confusing sexuality, and the root of his insecurities. Cooper does a fantastic job of displaying Erik’s emotions; one of the best things about this episode is that it feels like a real conversation between two people, not an exaggerated Hollywood script. Leslie tries to comfort Erik when he’s tearing himself down, and he keeps interrupting Leslie while she tries to comfort him. It is so natural to have a real-life conversation when someone is trying to reassure you when you are venting and vice versa. Like Nicholas, he’s also spot on when portraying the real-life Erik when necessary. At times, he even sounds like the honest Erik; it's almost eerie. Cooper is also entertaining, “Lyle, is that my toothbrush?” And “That’s where I keep it cold!”  It never fails to make me laugh. 

And yes, I am going to address the elephant in the room. The writers were awful in how they addressed Erik’s sexuality. I know he denies being gay multiple times in the show; however, between the Tony subplot and Pam telling Dominick that Erik was having oral sex with other inmates (they show this, too, by the way). Lyle and Jose making comments about Erik (allegedly) having sex with Craig, the average viewer might come out of this show thinking Erik is gay. I know the real Erik said he was confused about his sexuality, but it’s like Ryan took that one statement and ran with it. He ignores that Erik also said he did like girls and eventually had intercourse with girls and the fact that Erik did have multiple girlfriends. Yes I know there is an acknowledgment of Tammi, but that came towards the show's closing. There is a way to explore Erik’s sexuality from a storytelling point of view. Episode 5 did a decent job of addressing Erik’s confusing sexuality, and I wouldn’t have minded it if that was the only incident of it. But the sheer amount of gay subplots and jokes with Erik seemed more like a fetish as opposed to exploring how the sexual abuse confused the real-life Erik. Story aside, it feels offensive to the actual Erik.

Erik Menendez as a character in Law and Order:

Again, in Law and Order, we don’t spend that much time with the brothers. However, what we do see of Erik is that he’s very close to completely breaking down mentally. He’s outwardly more sensitive than Lyle and cries quite a bit in the show. He looks up to Lyle, calls him for everything, and loves and misses his parents. After their deaths, he focuses full time on tennis to make his father proud. He even recalls Jose encouraging him from the stand (although Lyle corrects him by reminding him that Jose was yelling at him). Erik seems closer to his mom; he tells his girlfriend that his mom would’ve been proud of him for having a girlfriend because she always gave him deadlines to get one. Kitty, in flashbacks, is shown as very sensitive and also cries often. In a way, Lyle is taking after his mom and Erik his mom. Even before the audience knows that he killed his parents, we see him close to breaking multiple times and know that he’s struggling to accept the fact that his parents were dead. Erik is also feeling the heat from guilt; his mental break isn't just over his parent's death but the fact that he was responsible for it. So, it is justifiable to the audience when he confesses to Craig and Dr Oziel. With Dr. Oziel, Erik only confessed to him because the only person he wanted to talk about it with, his brother, kept blowing him off, so when he confesses, it shows that Erik did it out of desperation and under the impression that he would be safe in doing so. It doesn’t make him seem sneaky, but he can’t take it anymore. He isn’t passive-aggressive or a jerk when Craig tries to pry a confession out of him. He still gaslights Craig but tries to brush it off like Craig is crazy instead of getting aggressive with him. It is explained here, though. He finally got it off his chest after the guilt was eating him alive, and after the drama with Dr Oziel and Lyle, he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore with anyone but them. Erik also develops by the end; even though he sticks to his same emotional self, he learns that it’s unhealthy to keep his emotions bottled up. Because his confession to Dr Oziel leads to his arrest, it stands to reason why he would feel cautious about being honest with his feelings. He also doesn’t reveal his abuse to Dr Oziel, but he learns to trust Leslie and is entirely open with her to avoid going on death row. Sure, it doesn’t stop him from shedding a few tears, but his honesty and relationship with Leslie develop him from someone close to breaking at any moment to someone in touch with his emotions and learning how to express them. I do prefer Cooper as Erik, but I still loved Gus’s portrayal and I think Law and Order did a better job at matching how the real-life Erik was feeling at the time.

Jose and Kitty Menendez as characters in Monsters:

Before I start, I will say regarding performance and chemistry alone; I prefer Javier and Chloe.  They are great with their material, and I think they capture Jose and Kitty's real-life energy. Javier, like Jose, is legitimately intense and intimidating, and Chloe nailed Kitty’s “I hate my kids; they ruined my marriage and life” spirit. 

Now, in both dramatizations, they take a smaller role. However, their roles are different in each series. In Monsters, Jose and Kitty are more characterized. For one, it explores the issues in their marriage, such as Jose’s affairs, his telling Kitty he doesn't love her and only wants her to give him children, and Kitty’s frustration with how he treats her and her loneliness. 

Kitty states multiple times that she hates her kids. She is characterized as a sad, pathetic, bitter, and insecure woman. We learn about Kitty's trauma from her abusive childhood, which explains why she treats her sons the way she does. Kitty’s resentment toward her sons was explained; she felt like she gave up her whole life for Jose only for him to treat her like garbage later, cheat on her, not love her, and pay more attention to their kids over her. Not that it justifies any abusive behavior, but it adds more layers to her character and actions. We also learn that she’s turned to alcohol to deal with her emotions, as seen when she reaches for the wine bottle for help after spazzing out in the kitchen.

Jose also has his fair share of trauma. He is characterized as a stern, strict, cunning, savvy, perfectionist, prideful, and abusive man. We also learn that he also has his fair share of trauma; he reveals to Kitty that his mother used to molest him as a kid, and when Lyle calls out his physical punishments to him and Erik as abuse, Jose brushes it off. Stating that his father used to hit him harder and that his sons' out-of-control behavior (the robberies, Lyle’s Princeton suspension) was the result of him not hitting them hard enough. This does not excuse his actions, but it explains his mentality.

Now that’s out the way, here is my issue with their characters: The show seemed to take more time to make the audience believe that Erik and Lyle were spoiled and bratty than they did, showing how scary Jose and Kitty were in Erik and Lyle (and others') perspectives. The moments that do show them as tyrants are limited and rushed quickly. I feel like the episodes that showcased last week’s events were rushed. I didn’t even mind the light-hearted moments, such as the Christmas moment, not because I felt terrible for them but because the audience would understand that no one is a Monster all the time. It also showed how the brothers could still love their parents even after all they did to them. Even the real  Lyle said during his cross-examination that he and his father had plenty of good times. 

Despite that, they are more sympathetic and complex than Erik and Lyle are. The brothers claimed they feared their parents, but I never got that feeling. How the show presents it, they came across as more strict, harsh, inconvenient, and demanding than they did someone to fear. It seemed more like two bratty kids who killed their parents because they resented them than people they killed out of fear and desperation. The deep horrors of how they allegedly treated their kids are only left to the imagination. If Ryan wanted the audience to decide who the “real” monsters were, he failed at showing just how monstrous they were to their boys (I will elaborate on this when we get to the abuse section).

Jose and Kitty as characters in Law and Order:

Jose and Kitty, in law and order, are explored even less than the brothers were. I’ve already explained why (the show is told from Leslie’s POV). What we see of them is shown through flashbacks from the brothers and other relatives. We see that Jose is controlling, intimidating, a bully, powerful, and abusive. We also learn that Lyle really looks up to his father, and at the beginning of the series, he constantly talks about making his dad proud. There’s no character growth to Jose here because this is ultimately a story about Leslie. Even though I preferred Javier, Carlos was also great at embodying Jose. The real Jose was said to be scary and intimidating even to grown adults, and Carlos made me feel afraid of him.

On the other hand, Kitty is shown as what Lyle describes as a “basketcase,” and Erik tells his cousin Henry that she is “so unhappy.” Flashbacks and comments of Kitty show her as constantly breaking down crying, dependent on drugs, passive, and showing little interest in her boys. Kitty also doesn’t grow much character; we learn that Jose had an affair with her, and Lyle tells Donovan it destroyed her. It helps the audience understand why Kitty turned into a basketcase, not necessarily to feel bad for her but to understand her more. Again, I prefer Chloe over Lolita; she did a better job embodying Kitty’s “I hate my kids” energy, but it’s not Lolita’s fault. I think she did great with what she had, but she wasn’t exactly playing the real-life Kitty. Lyle even pointed out on Facebook that Kitty here wasn’t shown as scary and violent as she was in real life. Law and Order even had a moment where the boys reminisced on a funny moment with their parents and flashbacks where Lyle remembered good times with his parents. I think it handled showing that Jose and Kitty weren't awful all the time without humanizing them too much. By the end of the show, the audience has seen why the brothers feared their parents so much and why they felt like killing them was their only option but there are still moments that show the brothers still love them and had good times with them.

Despite the flaws, law and order made the audience hate Jose and Kitty better. I will talk about the abuse later, but Law and Order did a far better job showing just how Monstrous Jose and Kitty were, even though Monsters did develop their characters more. A criticism I often see towards Law and Order is that the brothers were too sympathetic and the Menendez family were one-dimensional, and I can understand that viewpoint. We spent way more time with Leslie and behind-the-scenes legal drama than with them and their parents, which is why it was tough to explain their characters. However, this is excused because this is a legal drama explained through Leslie's eyes, which explains why the brothers are more sympathetic here. Throughout the series, we see that she begins to care for them like they are her children; it’s how she views them, and everything she knows of Jose and Kitty is being told to her from the point of view of other people, including their victims. Hence, it stands to reason why (Jose and Kitty) are only looked at as vile and one-dimensional. From a pure story point of view, it makes perfect sense.

Character development:

Monster’s storytelling also suffers from little to no character development. By the end of the show, almost everyone stays the same as they were. Lyle is still obnoxious and rude, Erik is still bratty and aggressive, and Dominick is still a bitter journalist who takes his distrust of the legal system out on the brothers. It’s like everyone stayed at point A and didn’t learn anything from their experiences. Out of the significant characters, the only ones who got real development seemed to be Jose and Kitty. In episode 6, they are struggling with their marriage and seem to hate each other, but by the end of the episode they seem to work out their differences and have a happy marriage. But like….their personalities don’t seem to change or develop. Kitty still hates her kids and Jose is still a controlling tyrant. Good storytelling means developing their characters, it doesn’t mean that they should have a complete 180 with their personalities, but they should have learned something from their experiences that leads to a change in their flaws, morals, and actions. This is another example of the characters here being over the top and cartoony. It’s not just the hyperbolic personalities, but the fact that no one seems human enough to develop. Lyle throughout the whole show is an obnoxious prick who is always yelling and cursing. Episode 4 showed a more vulnerable and soft side to him, giving the audience the impression that he acts the way he does because the abuse stunted his growth and he’s still mentally a child himself. However, for the remainder of the episodes he doesn’t change. He’s still rude and obnoxious, he’s learned nothing from this experience and it takes away the impact of seeing his more vulnerable side. It’s another example of lazy and ineffective storytelling. The show seemed to want to stick to a certain status quo, not understanding that characters are allowed to change without becoming completely different people.

I won’t talk too much about the characterization since I’ve already talked about that. Law and Order did a great job at developing its characters. By the end, everyone has grown, learned, and evolved from being a part of this case. I will be using as an example since she is our main character here. By the end of the series, Leslie turned a whole new leaf from losing her case. By the end, Leslie is heartbroken that she lost her case and the fact that Erik and Lyle both get life sentences. However, we see her grow throughout the series. She stays her same fierce, brash, bold and confident self, however we see her more vulnerable side. She has issues with her parents, her mother passes away and she reconnects with her estranged father. In the midst of all this, she becomes a mother again and adopts a baby boy. Her new son, own issue with her parents and closeness with the brothers is a factor on why she became so passionate about their case and why she turned a new leaf after the second trial to focus on raising her son and working at a toy store. Of course her decision was because of her loss, but also because learning about the horrific abuse the brothers suffered made her appreciate family and want the best for all children. As a result of both, she understands the real impact of a healthy and normal family and not only wants to be there for her child but other people’s children. 

Not only is there great development, but none of the protagonists are unlikable. Sure, they have their flaws, but it makes them come across as more complex and human. Even the antagonist characters (Weisburg, Detective Zoller, Pam, Gil Garcetti and David Conn) have their own subplots that fulfil the antagonistic role by having motivations behind their actions and having a foil for the antagonist that makes the audience question the protagonist. For example David Conn (Robin Thomas), as a part of the California DA office is assigned as the prosecutor in the second trial. Throughout the show, we see how desperate the DA office is for a conviction after losing the McMartin, Rodney King, and later OJ Simpson trial. After the OJ loss, the office is determined to convict the brothers. Later during the second trial, Conn reveals to the jury and the audience during his cross examination of Erik’s psychiatric in jail Dr. Vicary that Leslie had  hand in altering Dr Vicary’s (Todd Weeks) notes about Erik’s view of his mother. While this a small example, it shows how smart the law and order team was with its writing and storytelling. Not even the antagonists are over the top and cartoony, but real relatable people with their own backstories, goals, and motivations that makes the audience understand their viewpoint. 

Sexual/adult situations:

It’s no secret that monsters heavily sexualized the brothers. While I cannot praise Cooper and Nicholas’s performances enough, it’s clear that Ryan also cast them based on their looks and bodies. There are far too many scenes of them nude, shirtless, or in sexual situations, even when not necessary. I have no issues with nudity or sex scenes/suggestions in the media, but it was very excessive here. Law and Order had a scene of Erik’s girlfriend Noelle (Anna Osceola) teasing him with sex when he got out of jail. However, the most significant difference is context. Erik’s girlfriend teasing him made sense because she’s assumingly a young girl who wants to give her boyfriend a “gift” when he gets out of jail. It doesn’t seem out of the ordinary, and it’s not “in your face,” so to speak. It’s subtle and not distracting, like the sexual moments between Oziel and Judalon. The over-sexualization was so bad that monsters included incest undertones between the brothers. In the second episode, Lyle kisses Erik on the mouth, and later, they dance seductively with each other at a party. Then, in episode 7, Dominick Dunne gives people his theories of the Menendez family and suggests that the real family secret was Erik and Lyle's incestuous relationship. The scene then cuts to Kitty catching the brothers in the shower together. 

In Law and Order, one juror commented that Erik probably got his stories of sexual abuse from having sex with Lyle, which is a disgusting comment; it’s nowhere near as awful as Ryan deciding to showcase an incest scene between them. Even if it was Dominick Dunne’s imagination, I still don’t understand why it had to be shown. The juror's comment in Law and Order is met with disdain from the other jurors; unlike Monsters, the whole “brother incest” is brought up but not even entertained.

I will admit I laughed at the scene where an inmate sarcastically tells Lyle he’ll give him a dime if Lyle gives him head and Dr.Vicary’s “Miss the sex?” When Erik says he misses Tony, gave me a chuckle. If everything else weren’t so in your face and had the gross incest stuff, I wouldn’t have minded these moments so much. But the layers of over-sexualization, including sibling incest, showed (to me) what was on Ryan’s mind when he cast two good-looking 20-something-year-olds to play the brothers.

The abuse:

In Monsters, the brother's allegations of abuse weren’t shown like they should’ve been to get the point across. I’m going to start with Kitty. In real life, the brothers alleged that Kitty was also violent and abusive to them. We also know that she sexually abused them both. The show attempts to address that Kitty was also an abuser and not just an enabler. However, it is poorly executed, and there is not enough time to show that. The only incident of this is her raging out on her kids after they accuse her of trying to poison them, but just before that, we see them cussing her out and ganging up on her. It comes across that she is justified in her rage out, and considering her kids are sociopaths, her kids were being dicks to her, and she got frustrated. Add onto the fact that they just watched her spazz out on the kitchen floor unconcerned. So when she tells her therapist, “I hate my kids,” someone may think, “Well, they cuss her out, gang up on her, accuse her of poisoning them, and are thieves. I get why she hates them and feels like they ruined her life.” To make it worse, we see her kissing Erik on the head and calling Lyle “sweetheart” (we all know the real kitty would never lmao) and telling her therapist that she still feels the umbilical cord connecting them. It makes it seem like she has love for them, but their attitude makes her hate them. Even if I can give it the “this is Kitty’s perspective” excuse, as stated earlier, the show does a terrible job of providing more corroboration to the brother's perspective of the abuse they say they suffered and what led to them fearing their parents. In addition, the only incident of sexual abuse of hers that is shown is her looking at Erik’s penis to check for AIDS, but the show leaves out that she used to pop blisters on them (Erik was also much younger when this happened) and even then it’s seen as justified and not motivated by the real Kitty’s perverted nature. Before that, she and Erik were talking about how Erik could bring AIDS in the house because he isn’t using the condoms they bought (and they are aware of his sexual relationship with another boy). It makes it seem like Kitty was just a concerned mother instead of the pervert she was. Erik mentions Kitty sexually abusing Lyle in episode 5, but it’s wildly “blink and you’ll miss it,” and Lyle does not even talk about it. The naked pictures are shown in court, but it came after it was implied that Leslie coached the brothers to lie on the stand. However, the show spent more time showing that the brothers were rude brats who talked back to their parents instead of showing how vile Kitty could also be.

As for Jose, my issues are pretty much similar. We don’t see enough of him being abusive to his sons besides slapping, degrading, and yelling at them. Yes, it’s still abuse, but it's not abusive enough to make us hate his guts.  If I recall correctly, the only incident that shows his sexual abuse was in episode 6, when he drags Erik to his room, and there’s a bunch of thumbs behind the door. Everything else about his sexual abuse of them is only talked about. I’m not saying they should’ve shown explicit rape scenes, but Law and Order was able to show the abuse of both parents that makes the audience hate them both. Jose, like Kitty, is seen as justifiably angry with his boys because of their burglaries and Lyle’s suspension in episode 6. Again, I understand this episode is his point of view, but I found myself understanding Jose’s frustration. Perhaps that’s what the writers were aiming for; they explored multiple perspectives and let the audience decide who the monsters were. Still, less time was dedicated to showing how monstrous Jose and Kitty were in the brother's eyes. Again, it suffers from telling and not showing.

Law and Order was able to show Jose and Kitty’s abuse without being explicit but also bad enough to make you hate them and sympathize with the brothers. Through flashbacks, we see that Kitty is negligent (how she handles Erik’s nightmares, ignoring Jose and bearing Erik), relies on pills and alcohol, keeps kiddy porn pictures of them, and that she also molests Lyle. It’s not explicit, but it’s clear what’s happening as it leaves little to the imagination. Jose, in these flashbacks, is also shown as abusive. Multiple times, he is seen striking fear into his boys, and the sexual abuse is not explicit, but it leaves little to the imagination of what is happening. By the end of the series, the audience has seen how disgusting and frightening Jose and Kitty are to their boys. Someone might say, “Well, the show is biased for the defense, so it will be in their favor. Monsters are trying to give multiple perspectives and letting the audience decide.” That’s true, but the writers took plenty of time to show how bratty and annoying Erik and Lyle were to others. But, there was barely any time spent showing the audience just how vile Jose and Kitty were from the perspectives of their boys. While I appreciated episodes 4 and 5, their telling their stories would not have been as impactful as showing their stories to the audience. The last episode of Law and Order was also better at addressing generational trauma. The last episode has Jose’s sister Marta (Constance Marie) and Kitty’s sister Joan (Molly Hagan) telling Leslie that they were abused as children, which shows the impact of generational curses but doesn't humanize them too much to forget their abuse.

Overall Storytelling:

Lastly,the storytelling is what makes Law and Order work but not Monsters. While the plot in Law and Order is about the Menendez case, the show sticks to the Law and Order formula by sticking to the legal drama that surrounds the case. The story, like any good story, has a beginning, middle, and end. Its storytelling is polished, shows instead of telling, well structured, has conflict, well developed characters and has a clear purpose and identity. 

Beginning, middle, and end. The beginning of the story is the murders of Jose and Kitty Menendez and the investigators in the case trying to find the killers and ultimately their investigation leads them to the couple’s own two sons.

Middle: Erik and Lyle are arrested and adjust to life in jail. Meanwhile, the prosecution and defense are both building their case.

End: Both sides present their case during both of the brothers' trials. The defense, despite being the protagonist, loses the case and the brothers are sentenced to life in prison and Leslie turns a new leaf.

Polished and structured: As explained by the beginning middle and end, the storytelling in Law and Order is structured and clear. It’s organized in the kind of story it’s telling but also has important elements a well structured story needs like conflict and purpose.

Conflict: This is another reason why I feel like Law and Order dealt with the subplots better because they added to the story by adding conflict to drive the plot forward. As mentioned earlier, Judge Weisburg’s subplot at the end provided conflict for both him and Leslie. For him, the bad press gives him a conflict because he is desperate to get a conviction to keep his job and save his reputation. For Leslie, Weisburg’s desperation causes him to not allow any abuse evidence in the second trial. This causes her conflict because she struggles on how she’ll be able to argue her case without abuse evidence. The conflict here does what it’s supposed to do by creating tension, advancing the main plot forward, and once the story ends, the created closure.

Purpose: Lastly, the core thing that makes Law and Order better executed than Monster’s is its purpose. The show has an identity and knows exactly what message it is trying to send. For Law and Order, the purpose of the show is to showcase the corruption and unfairness of the legal system. To prove this point, it takes the real life Menendez murder case, a case that was a prime example of legal corruption and unfairness and dramatized it into a TV show. It makes sure to stick to the Law and Order format by being a legal and courtroom drama, as a result the brothers don’t get much attention, but they are still important as characters. Their testimony and allegations help build a case for the defense and their relationship with Leslie Abrahmson gives her character development.

Monsters like mentioned have a Ransom effect type of storytelling. The purpose of the Rashomon effect is supposed to show how multiple views of the same event can be interpreted in different ways and the contradictions that can arise from that. An example would be the 1970s sitcom “Good Times" episode “When there’s smoke”, after the couch catches on fire, the characters JJ, Michael and Thelma all tell Willona their story of what happened. Each story contradicts each other, making each narrator look favorable and the others look bad. In the end, it’s revealed that the character Penny is the one who lit the couch on fire after she tried to have a cigarette and dropped it on the couch after JJ says that he doesn’t like smokers. While this could have been a fresh and unique twist on dramatization of the Menendez brothers, the show drops the ball by failing to establish this. It’s not well structured, the timeline is off, the characters are not developed, it tells instead of shows, there’s a lack of proper conflict, and there’s no real purpose or identity for this show’s existence. 

Structure and timeline: One big difference between Law and Order and Monsters storytelling is how it’s structured. Law and Order for one had a clear cut story beginning, middle, and end where Monster’s does not. To give it the benefit of the doubt, it follows the timeline of the actual crime. That being, the murders, the brothers shopping spree, the Dr. Oziel drama, their arrest, then revealing the abuse to build the case, the first trial being a hung jury, the second trial, and the brothers conviction. However, the timeline seems jumpy and unfocused. For example, we see some of the same plot points multiple times such as Lyle’s Princeton suspension. Lyle explains his Princeton suspension in episode 4, in this episode this is his side of the story. We see this same plot point again in episode 6, the episode that is supposed to be the perspective of Jose and Kitty. However, the timeline is confusing because by the time the Jose and Kitty perspective episode happens, it’s after the brothers are in jail and Jose and Kitty are dead. So who is exactly telling the story? Again I understand wanting to incorporate a Rashomon effect story but the timeline is jumpy and is not structured in a way that makes it clear to the audience that the story being told is how different people interpret things. 

I mean, I’ve seen children’s shows write a better Rashomon effect story then this show has. One example I can think of is the cartoon “The powerpuff girls” in the episode “The Bare facts”, the Mayor of Townsville is kidnapped and blindfolded by the show’s main villain Mojo Jojo. The girls eventually save the mayor and take him back to his office, but the girls are giggling when they save him but he’s still blindfolded so he wants to know what’s so funny. When he is finally unblindfolded, he continues to ask the girls what’s so funny but they don’t want to tell him so they all change the subject by telling the story of how they found out he was kidnapped and how they rescued him. Each girl narrates the story from their perspective, but each account contradicts each other and is extremely hyperbolic. By the end, it is revealed that the girls were giggling about the fact that Mojo Jojo had stripped the mayor nude during the kidnapping and the girls were telling the mayor this story to avoid telling him the truth about why they were laughing. 

This kind of storytelling concept could have worked with the Menendez story because there are alot of characters in this case that have different perspectives on what exactly happened. But the problem is the story makes no effort to let the audience know that this is the case, so when we see Erik and Lyle ganging up on their mom and cursing her out, the audience doesn't know that in this particular episode it is supposed to be Kitty and Jose’s perspective so we are supposed to their behavior at face value. There’s no narrator or anything else to indicate that this multiple perspectives show. If episode 1 had stayed exactly the way it is and had ended with Dr Oziel on the stand or talking to his wife, Judalon, a journalist, or Jill and Leslie explaining what he thinks happened, and every episode began or ended like that, I probably still wouldn’t be a fan of the show but at least I could understand the kind of storytelling. Unfortunately, it seems like the show did not know how to properly structure that kind of story it is telling and thus comes across as sloppy, confusing, and inconsistent. 

Conflict: I’ve already touched on this in the subplots section, so I will keep this brief, Monsters includes very little conflict or tension for the story. Of course there are conflicts such as Judalon and Oziel’s drama and Dominick Dunne’s articles. But the conflicts don’t really do much to drive the plot in a unique way, but because they happened in real life. The show took many creative liberties when it came to the brothers' personalities but not when it came to plot points. The conflict between Leslie and David Conn was based on actual events, yet it was still highly dramatized enough to give the main plot a conflict and a resolution. Monsters, when it did have a conflict, didn't seem to know how to resolve it. Dominick Dunne’s storyline did not have an antagonist to foil his plans, and as a result the conflict created no tension and no flakes. This creates what’s called a forced conflict, or a conflict that’s added in just to create a conflict. In this show, it feels like Domonick Dunne’s gossip is added in just because Dominick was an actual figure, he was in the Law and Order show but he is reduced to a minor character. Ryan Murphy has stated that Domonick was heavily involved in the series because he was a key figure in how the public viewed the brothers. This can be a valid point, however Dominick's gossip comes across as more of a nuisance as opposed to an actual conflict for the brothers. A conflict is supposed to raise stakes, create tension and develop characters but his involvement doesn’t do much for the main plot. Unfortunately, it seemed like the writers didn’t know how to write a proper conflict.

Lack of purpose: Lastly, the biggest issue is that it has no purpose. Unlike Law and Order, the show has no real identity and doesn’t know what message it's trying to send. I understand wanting to let the audience decide who is telling the truth. Although I am on the brothers' side, there are perspectives out there that could put the brothers in hot water, the show doesn’t seem to know how to portray the multiple perspectives thing. So, on my first watch I was left confused on what the point was. Who are the monsters here? Erik and Lyle? Jose and Kitty? Domonick? If the writers wanted to let the audience decide then they did an awful job at establishing the Rashomon effect storytelling. The biggest proof that this was a terrible storytelling decision is the cast and writers having to explain this in every interview. If the show made it’’s purpose and identity clear then the case wouldn’t have to explain the show’s message. Simply put, Monster’s has reason to exist and doesn’t know what message it wants to convey,

Final thoughts:

All in all, Law and Order, while far from being perfect and having its fair share of inaccuracies, it’s still by far the most accurate out of the five Menendez dramatizations and blows Monsters out of the water. It does struggle with pacing issues, especially towards the end and I think Monsters had better acting, production quality, and chemistry between the actors than Law and Order. I do prefer Nicholas and Cooper over Miles and Gus as Lyle and Erik. They’re both very talented and entertaining to watch and are more believable as brothers in my opinion. I enjoyed their brotherly moments and their back and forth bantering scenes, it may not be accurate but it really establishes them as believable siblings. Javier and Chloe also have more chemistry as Jose and Kitty in my opinion, although Carlos and Lolita were given better material, I still prefer Javier and Chloe. I think the main cast had better chemistry and we’re more believable as a family then Miles, Gus, Carlos and Lolita.  The production team for Monsters also did a better job at establishing an 80s and early 90s aesthetic by the costuming, set designs, and music. The brothers costuming, especially when it came to their court outfits were spot on.

However, overall Law and Order did a better job when it comes to storytelling. Sure, it is biased for the defense but because it’s covering the case from a legal standpoint and Leslie is the main character, we are seeing the version of events from her eyes so storytelling wise it makes sense that the story would be in her favor. The biggest issue with Monsters is not the inaccuracies or the oversexualization but because it doesn’t know what it’s trying to say. It’s clear that Ryan wants the audience to decide who the Monsters are, but because he isn't clear with his aim to tell a Ransom effect storytelling, the audience is left confused on whose side they are supposed to be on. It comes across as inconsistent, unorganized, and lacking in identity. It’s frustrating too because you can see a lot of potential here for a good or even passable show, but it seemed like Ryan was more into capturing his fantasies as opposed to writing a good story. Really the only saving grace of this trainwreck of a show is the actors who are really putting on their best performance to save this mess of a series. 

[sunnebeam]

DISCLAIMERS:

stand-ins — bts and the other people mentioned in my works are merely face and/or name stand-ins. in no way am i claiming that the actions done by the characters in my stories depict the actual lives of these real life public figures.

fiction — the events in my works are fictional. some may be loosely inspired by real life events, some may be inspired by other media, and some may just be purely coincidental. but again, they are all fictional and are happening just inside my head.

content — my works will dabble into mature, explicit, and/or dark themes. readers who are uncomfortable with potential triggering content are discouraged from reading. minors should also take their reading experience elsewhere and not interact where inappropriate.

reader-insert — all of my works are reader-inserts and the main characters are written as female, but i write in second person (for a more gender-neutral approach) and i do my best to not focus too much on physical traits. if physical descriptions do end up in the final drafts (e.g. hair length, skin tone, eye color), please know that these are unintentional and are not meant to exclude anyone!

feedback — since this is a side blog, i can't reply back under posts. i appreciate feedback in every form, but asks are generally better and more preferred!

copyright — my works are completely my own. in no way should these should be copied, stolen, and/or plagiarized. as of now, i only post on tumblr so if you see my works on other sites (ao3, wattpad, etc.), please tell me because those are most likely plagiarized.

KIM NAMJOON

before, after, forever.

drabble — smut (18+), knight au, mulan au

KIM SEOKJIN

one more kiss.

drabble — smut (18+), cursed au

MIN YOONGI

darkest little paradise.

drabble series — smut (18+), mafia au, sex work

perks of being a househusband.

drabble series — the way of the househusband au

— the (mis)adventures of retired gangster min yoongi as he leaves behind the life of the mafia and navigates the way of the househusband.

JUNG HOSEOK

good for a weekend.

drabble — smut (18+), blank space au, chaebol au

PARK JIMIN

stolen kisses, pretty lies.

drabble — smut (18+), revenge au

KIM TAEHYUNG

fall from grace.

drabble — smut (18+), royalty au

JEON JUNGKOOK

city of lights.

drabble series — smut (18+), gangster squad au

twin flame bruise.

series — jeon twins au, college au, love triangle

— the jeon twins have become nothing more than two strikingly similar looking guys who share a mere home address and a last name. but in their senior year of college, the estranged twins may have found one more thing they share in common – you.

FEEDBACK IS HIGHLY APPRECIATED!

[sundove88]

DBZ: Waves of Freedom AU (Birthday Present for @sugarbear2001)

“Sometimes, to be free, we must dive deep to find out who we truly are.”

So, ya see, I was just being my own busy self and decided that I would make a platonic merman AU for KakaVege. The title of the AU? Waves of Freedom.

To put it simply, Goku is a merman living with his family and friends beneath the waves, and one day, when he goes to the surface and shapeshifts into his human form (I got inspired by Luca for this, all merpeople can shapeshift their tail into legs to walk on land in this AU, their upper halves remain unchanged), he encounters Vegeta, a human businessman who longs for escape from his horrible working life at Empire Oil Drilling Corps (Which is run by Frieza, who is an absolute butthole of a CEO in the AU), so he comes up with a plan with Vegeta to help him escape and finally gain his freedom. Also, this fanfic is a loose retelling of The Little Mermaid (One of its BIGGEST influences). The best part? There’s actual chapters on the way!!

Synopsis: When Goku, a carefree orange tailed merman encounters Vegeta, a trapped young businessman working for the world’s biggest and most oppressive oil drilling company, their encounter sets off a series of events that could change their lives for better or worse.

Anyhoo, here are the character parallels in the fanfic:

Vegeta- Ariel

Goku- Eric

Goten and Gohan- Flounder

Krillin and Piccolo- Sebastian

Bulma- King Triton

Frieza- Ursula

Zarbon and Dodoria- Flotsam and Jetsam

Chi Chi- Carlotta

Master Roshi- Grimsby (Maybe More, Imagine)

Launch, Tien, and Yamcha- Scuttle

Ginyus- Chef Louis

Android 17, Android 18, Nappa, and Raditz- Ariel’s Sisters

Trunks and Marron- Max

Chapters Below, btw. Also, if you wanna insert your Oc or another DB character (Like Shallot) into the AU, they can either be a land dweller or a merperson (With a merman/mermaid form with any tail and a land form)!

(SPOILERS AHEAD)

Chapter 1: Where The Land Meets The Sea:

Goku decides to go up to the surface to get some stuff for his family (Waterproof books for Gohan included, don’t ask me about that one) and runs into Vegeta. Geets then witnesses his transformation and is all like, “Oh my god, merpeople are REAL!!” And they become friends and stuff like that. Goku tells Vegeta about his life beneath the waves and Vegeta tells Kakarot about how he longs for freedom and the ocean is his only escape.

Chapter 2: The Weight of Expectations:

After getting suspicious of why Vegeta isn’t showing up that much, Freezy Pop decides to give him longer shifts and more work, and that includes the very fact that Veggie has to look outside the window and see his coworkers enjoy their summer fun. As he makes his way down to the beach through the corridors, he decides what he really wants and that is to talk to Goku more. Talk about devotion! And foreshadowing since it shows Vegeta being cast in a blue light while in his monochrome suit (Spoiler alert- It’s his tail color).

Chapter 3: Making Waves:

It then shows Goku introducing Vegeta to some of his ocean dwelling friends and family, including but not limited to: Piccolo (Eel merman), Krillin (Weedy Seadragon merman), Tien (Koi merman), Yamcha (Octopus merman), Bulma (Who has her tail inspired by a Blue Tang and a single mom to Trunks in the AU), Chi Chi (Arowana mermaid), Gohan and Goten (Same Orange Disney style tail as their dad), Master Roshi (Conmon Dolphin) etc, etc. Anyhoo, there’s this work banquet later that night, and Vegeta decides to sneak out of it and get undressed so he can get changed into his swimwear, and then Goku and Vegeta have their first swim in the ocean together :)

Chapter 4: Out of The Cage:

Veggie’s all like, “I’ve officially made up my mind! I wanna become a merman and stay with you no matter what!”, and that’s where Bulma comes in- she gives Goku an artifact called a Crystal Shell that’s powerful enough to change Vegeta into a merman- but there’s a catch: The change is permanent, and the price for his freedom and fins is his life on land. Luckily, Vegeta is totally knowing what he’s getting into, and he goes along with the plan and decides to write a resignation letter to Frieza to let him know he’s not coming back- also, he packs up his shell collection and lets his new merpeople friends take it from there.

Chapter 5: Ebb And Flow:

Vegeta finally decides to deliver the letter to Frieza, and he reads it and is ABSOLUTELY LIVID. Then while nobody is looking; Goku and Vegeta immediately swim off to some secret undisclosed cove from any human eyes so that Kakarot can transform his best buddy into a merman form with the crystal shell. Cue something akin to Ariel’s transformation from The Little Mermaid (But reversed and with elements of Melody’s transformation from Little Mermaid 2 and Brother Bear from when Kenai becomes a Bear) and Vegeta becomes a merman with a gorgeous royal blue Disney style merman tail! And then they swim off to explore the ocean, but not before sharing a hug like the best buds they are. Yaaaay! :D

Happy b day anyways! (Also, I may have spoiled the plot point at the end where Vegeta becomes a merman)

@jorongbak (I hope you find this AU idea interesting)!

[xxmayxx05]

Love at first sight: Enzo vogrincic

Pairing: Enzo Vogrincic x Fem reader! Singer

Summary: You are invited to the premier of the movie of the Society of the snow. It was finally the night that you meet the handsome upcoming and rising actor Enzo. It's very surprising when you find out that he was a fan of you and your music. Both of you get very comfortable with each other in a short amount of time, and he decides to make his first move and not risk it.

Warnings: None!

Author's note: Hi guys! I hope you like my imagine! I was thinking about making this into a small series, please comment if you'd like that and send any requests, they are highly appreciate it! Please heart and reblog. Hope you guys like this story<3

____

Today, was the first big premiere that you have ever been invited to and you were excited about it. After your album hit number 1 in different platforms, you were finally getting the recognition that you truly deserved after working so many years behind the scenes in the music industry but now you were in your dream place. 

You were invited to the premiere for the movie “Society of the snow”. Your manager had gotten the invite to the premier due to the fact that your song was part of the soundtrack and that director of the movie J.A Bayona specifically asked you to be a guest in the premier, was a huge honor. When you wre recording studio,trying to write a song for the movie was bit of a hassle. Having to do your own research about the real life tragic events, you were truy inspired and wrote the song. 

J.A Bayona was truly amazed with the song that you have written for the movies soundtrack and now you were here in the premier. Your limousine pulled up slowly to the blue carpet premier, you saw some of the actors that you saw in the trailer but one caught your eye the most. 

His name was Enzo, you had remembered because J.A showed you photos of the cast when he had invited you out for dinner one day. You were mezmerized by how handsome he was and you couldn’t wait to be able to meet him one day. Now you were less than 10 feet away from him and he was even more handsome. You took a deep breathe when your manager opened the limousine door for you and helped you. 

The black satin dress hugged your every curve, your make up was done to perfection to bring out your eye color, you just felt more beautiful and confident with yourself. Walking up to the blue carpet, you turned to the paparazzi and let them take pictures of you. All you could hear was the screams of paparazzi, telling you where to look and the click of the cameras. Little did you know that you had caught the eye of the handsome man you were excited to meet tonight.  

—

Enzo was feeling nervous but happy that his most important project is about to be released, he was very proud of the cast, the production crew. Today was finally the day that everyone was waiting for. Looking at the cameras, and posing casually for the pictures. He turned his head to the left slightly and saw the most beautiful that he has ever seen. Her dress hugged her beautiful body, her hair slicked back in a loose bun, make up done to perfection, her plump lips looked so kissable. 

“Enzo, you are staring” Agustin said in a teasingly matter. 

“Shit” Enzo said and quickly looked at Agustin, when he had made eye contact with you. He softly blushed when you gave him a smile and went back to posing for the cameras. “She is here” Enzo whispered in Agustin’s ear and both of them began posing for the cameras. 

“Yeah, Bayona mentioned something about her coming” he said in his ear and wrapped his left arm around Enzo’s shoulder and kept smiling. Agustin knew that Enzo had the biggest crush on you, he kept raving about your album while they were filming the movie. He caught Enzo scrolling through your instagram and liking your pictures, he was a simp for you. 

“You better make a move before the end of the night” he told Enzo and patted his shoulder. Walking away with the rest of the cast. 

Enzo took a deep breath and nodded his head. He had to make a move, tonight what’s so ever.

—-

Finally making your way inside the theater after taking more pictures, did a couple of interviews, and finally meeting up with J.A. He lead you into the theater and stood by your side because he knew you didn’t know many people. 

“Do you want to meet the boys” he asked you as he hooked his arm with yours. You guys had known each other for sometime, so it was something that you guys always did when you hangout together. “Enzo is going to be very happy to see you” he teased and nodded his head when he saw the boys huddled up together talking. 

You look at where Bayona nodded his head and there he was. The guy that you had a small crush on. “Let’s see where this night takes me” you smiled at him and laughed softly when he immediately took you to where the cast was. 

“Guys, meet Y/N” He said as he presented you to the very tall handsom group of boys. 

One by one they greeted you with a kiss on the cheek and saying how big of fans they where to your music. The last one was Enzo. You both made intense eye contact and you were left breathless when he leaned down to kiss your cheek. His cologne and aftershave was a very calming scent to you and you didn’t know why. 

“Hi love” he said and kissed your cheek. Enzo felt a bit nervous on finally meeting you but thankfully the boys told him that you were coming there way and he gave himself a small pep talk to calm his nerves. You were more beautiful up close and you smelled like heaven, he really needed to make a move tonight or he would regret it. 

“Enzo right?” you asked, knowing that it was a risky question. 

“Yes I am” he said, his eyes widened a bit when he realized that you knew him. “Really big fan of your music” he said with a small smile. Enzo looked at the guys and he was thankful that they were all talking with Bayona and it was now him and you. 

“That’s very nice to hear” you smiled, feeling pride that he liked your music. “I’m going to release new music soon, hopefully I’m going on tour next year you told him with excitement. 

“I would love to go see you live, the boys and I would listen to your music during our filming break” he chuckled. He blushed softly when he heard you angeletic laugh. “Really it was me who would put your music” he decided to confess. 

“It’s very nice to know that you are an amazing fan” you said confidently. “Maybe you could come see my first show, I would love to see you there” you said with a smile. 

“It would be an honor to come and see you” Enzo said with a small chuckle. He was feeling even more confidence with himself and liked how comfortable you both were getting with eachother. “Would you like a drink?” he asked looked at the open bar. 

“Yes I would” you said softly both of you walked to the bar. He ordered you both a martini and clincked the glasses together softly as a little pre-celebration. “I’m very excited for the movie.” 

He smiled at you and he felt a lot of pride that the movie was finally going to be shown for everyone to see the incredible movie. Him and the boys went through a lot of hard training before going to the andes and filming in the cold. “Yes, so am I. we all worked very hard to complete this amazing story. It’s the first ever project or huge project that some of us have worked on. Hopefully we all get more opportunities in this industry.” he said and took a sip of his martini. 

“I agree with you on that, this industry is very difficult but i’m pretty sure that with this project you guys will succeed more than you think.” you gave him a heart warming smile. 

“Thank you, Linda” he said and leaned in kissing your cheek. Enzo felt like he needed to do it, hoping that it will show you that he felt someway about you. 

“No problem” you said a bit quietly and blushed softly. “I would like to invite you to one of my future shows” you said while pulling your phone out from your small clutch and handed it to him for him to type his number. 

 He grabbed you phone and type his number, he decided to take a little leap of faith and added a black heart at the end of his name. 

“Excuse me?, could i please take a picture of you both?” a random photographer said, surprising you both. Enzo looked at you with a little smile. 

“Of course” you told the photographer and blushed when you felt Enzo wrapping an arm around your waist. You stood closer to him and softly put a hand on top of his firm chest. Both of you smiled and the flash went of. “ Thank you guys” he said before walking away. 

You looked up at him and blushed when you realized that he was already smiling at you. “Here you go, Linda” he said and handed you the phone back. 

“Thank you” you said softly and leaned to get your drink. Both of you kept talking and finishing your drink. Completely getting even more comfortable with each other and his arm was around your waist the whole time. 

“Um, guy we have to head inside the theater” Bayona said when he came up to you both and was very pleased that you guys have gotten very close with each other in such short amount of time. 

“Alright, we will be right in” Enzo said as he put his glass back on the table and took yours when you handed it to him. “Let’s go?” he asked you, smiling softly at you. 

“Let’s go” you said and both of you started walking inside the theater, Enzo never removed his arm from your waist and lead you both to see the showing. 

—-

After almost three hours, the movie ended and everyone was heading out. You cried practically the whole entire time and Enzo comforted you along the way. 

“I’m sorry for crying the entire time” you laughed softly as you both walked out. He had offered to walk you to your driver. 

“It’s very understandable, it’s a very emotional ride” he said and looked down at you. Enzo say how your teeth were slightly chattering when the cold air unexpectedly hit you when you walked out of the theater. He removed his gray suit jacket and wrapped it around your shoulders. 

“Thank you” you said softly when you felt him covered your exposed arms. Both of you kept walking in a comfortable silence until you saw your driver stand by the limousine. “Well, this is where I go” you said with a chuckle and turned to him. 

“It was really nice meeting you, I hope we can see each other very soon” Enzo said and looked down at you. He loved the height difference that there was between you both. 

“I will make sure of it” you said and got on your tippy toes. Leaning in you kissed his cheek. “Goodnight Enzo” you said with a smile and turned to walk to the car. 

“Goodnight Linda” he said with a smile as he saw you walk to your car and go inside. Enzo was surprised when you kissed his cheek, he wished it would of been a real kiss but he was content with just a kiss on the cheek. He started walking back to meet the boys so that they could go back to the hotel to get ready for the interviews tomorrow. His phone buzzed softly in his pocket and he took it out. 

“I hope I could see you really soon, thank you for tonight… xo Lina” said the unknown number. He smiled and immediately save your number, typing your whole name with a red heart on the end. 

“I would like to take you out on a date tomorrow night, if you are available” he texted, biting his bottom lip at his bold move. 

“I’ll be waiting <3” you texted, right back. 

“Fuck yes” Enzo said to himself. He had a nice feeling about you and he didn’t want to loose this chance. He didn’t want to loose you. 

[getvalentined]

I'm gonna say something really important here that was inspired by one specific event but applies to several others I've seen over the last few years. This is not vagueblogging to call someone out, this is a pattern I've seen a few times now that I'm genuinely concerned about.

If a series, whether books or television or films or video games, is so all-consuming in your life that a new installment going in a different direction from what you want is enough to make you have an emotional breakdown, you need to unplug from that series. If you sincerely refer to characters in this series as "[your] people" or "the love of [your] life" or "[your] family," not as a figure of speech but as something so genuine that having them handled in ways contrary to your preference makes you feel like your way of life is under attack, you need to distance yourself from those characters.

I'm saying this as someone who literally can't get into fandom debates anymore because I get so wrapped up that my heart rate spikes to the point of danger to my person. Because of a specific experience with a specific person (related to events outside fandom, but triggers are triggers) I have a very real trauma response to these discussions, and I can't engage with them anymore. I'm not saying this as "it's just a show calm down" or "why do you care so much about a video game" or as any kind of insult or passive aggression; I'm saying this as someone who understands firsthand that feelings get caught in specific places, and sometimes we just can't seem to pull them loose.

If you feel like this over a work of fiction, you need to get help, because there is something wrong. Something in your head and your heart has gotten caught on this work of fiction, and you need to pull it loose for your own wellbeing, but when it's gone that far it's all but impossible to do on your own.

I need to be very clear that I'm not talking about special interests or hyperfixations. I'm not talking about people who throw their lives into loving a specific thing, learning everything about that thing, expressing their interest in that thing, and so on. There's a line between passion and obsession, and a difference between what appears to be an obsession but is harmless and what appears to be passion but is an unhealthy level of obsession.

It's easy for those of us on the outside to write this kind of behavior off as just more entitled fans being entitled, but there's a point where what looks like entitlement exposes itself as something very different, something much more dangerous. If you're feeling this way—you need distance and assistance. If you're seeing friends behave this way—they need help, not rallying cries to "speak [their] truth."

I cannot express this strongly enough. No fictional character, no fictional story, no fandom is worth your health. Not one. Period. You are a real human being who deserves to be alive and safe and happy. The creators of a work of fiction are not attacking you or belittling your efforts by continuing to create within the boundaries of the fictional universe they created.

To put it as simply as I can:

If a work of fiction that you did not create existing in a state that you can't control is seriously damaging your mental and emotional wellbeing, you need to step away.

[iwriteasfotini]

probably going to get me hate:

Can we please please stop calling death eaters nazis to earn woke points. Please. If anything this fictional group is a fictional cult that tried to take over the government and turn their group into a dictatorship. Which didn't last because a teenager and his found family all kicked their asses. I just I really wish people would stop calling them nazis. Please. They're not real. The whole thing is a lot more complicated than that especially when you add in how muggles can act if they hate magic. But at the end of the day death eaters are fictional. It just makes me feel icky when you take a real world horror that ruined so many lives and tried to apply it to a fictional series that is suppose to be fun. Especially when you are using it to try to shame people who find the death eaters and Voldemort interesting. It's fine to make parallels to real life. But I hate that people treat it like it's exactly the same. It's the same way I feel when people take the hunger games series too seriously.

This is a bit long, sorry! I've read some posts about this on tumblr, and I've also done a little bit of research into discussions which compare Gindelwald and Voldemort as villains which feels pertinent to this topic. And I am thinking about it heavily for how I portray Tom in my story because I show his POV occasionally, which I find creepily interesting.

First, the books are fiction, even if they are loosely inspired by real life events, the people do not exist. So if someone wants to get a Dark Mark tattooed on their arm, I mean who really cares? What exactly you are trying to communicate with such an act is slightly mysterious, but I wouldn't equate it to having a swastikas tattooed on your arm. Second, I think there are people who like to look at the multidimensionality of fictional characters and those who like to be told who those characters are by the author. Personally, multidimensionality is much more interesting to me, especially when you apply it universally and take note that many "heroes" have obvious flaws. Villains can have positive traits too. JKR does both with many characters, the Malfoys (villains who are humanized), Dumbledore (who is "revealed" to have a darker past than Harry knew), Sirius and Remus who want to murder Peter, Barty Crouch Jr who teaches Harry to throw off the imperius curse.

Recently, I haven't dug into literary analysis of the parallels between Voldemort regime and the Nazi's. I know they exist. But I actually agree with the mindset that Voldemort acts far more like a cult leader than a fascist dictator. A lot of it has to do with scope. Both his bids for power involved a relatively small army and even though he might have been claiming he wanted to take over all of Europe, or the world, it really wasn't likely. Contrast this with Grindelwald who seemed to have made actual bids for political power, gained far more support from the magical community on an international level, and wasn't obsessed with his own immortality (that we know). Grindelwald wanted the resection stone to build an army, Voldemort didn't even know about the resection stone. Building an army of the scale Grindelwald envisioned feels a lot closer to the World Wars than Voldemort's era.

Tom Riddle is all about Tom Riddle. He doesn't care about blood status, he doesn't care about politics. He doesn't like muggles, but he basically wants to increase his own power, and that's it. He is extremely manipulative, considering he manipulates MANY pureblood families to give support to a half-blood. Those families might not call him out on his lower blood status, but they know. Because they track all that shite! They know Voldemort didn't come from an established lineage. Now he does have the distant connection to Slytherin going for him, and I think this is the first way he gained loyalty from fellow Slytherins while at Hogwarts. He is also very charismatic, in his original body. I think both his original charisma and his use of fear and intimidation tactics after he is regenerated speak to cult like behaviors.

I think his obsession with Harry also shows how unlike a fascist dictator he is. Yes, he knows Harry/Neville is prophesized to be his downfall, but he basically turns all his attention to eliminating this threat to his PERSON rather than putting energy towards building the society he preached about forming. When he is regenerated, he is STILL obsessed with Harry. Yes, his Death Eaters go after the Ministry. But Voldemort plays the game Dumbledore predicts him to play, which is to pursue Harry. And it is to his detriment in the end. He probably could have outlasted the Order for far longer, even with the limited number of Death Eaters he had if he had focused on the political arena. If he had made Harry actually hunt him down, from a position of real political power, he would have been very difficult to eliminate.

Knowing a bit about Mormon cults, I think a religious cult followers is a far closer line to draw to the Death Eaters. Smaller scale, brainwashing, coercion, extreme loyalty... I really see them as a terrorist group. They like to spread their message though mayhem and violence. Tom Riddle is the type of person who would watch the world burn as long as he knew he started the fire. But he is also ok with it continuing on, as long as he is gaining in personal power. From what we know about his childhood, he was likely touch and love deprived, which are traits associated with abnormal brain development. Again, I see him with the mindset of a serial killer, except his operation is far grander in scale and he doesn't need to actually murder anyone to feel fulfilled. But that coldness, the lack of emotion, the inability to connect and relate to others, the manipulation (again), the charisma... very serial killer-esque.

So the question of whether one chooses to invest in these cult-esque, terrorists being morally questionable boils down to how a person sees humanity. And there isn't a right or wrong, because we all have different life experiences. But it can feel right or wrong to us individually, and then we share our perspective with the broader community. I'll use Bellatrix as an example because I put some serious thought into her character for my fic. Bella is awful in canon. And she is not a "good" person. She is a complicated person. Most people are complicated. They make good choices, they make bad choices, they live with the repercussions of said choices. Bella going after Frank and Alice is the most sickening part of her persona, but she was desperate. She was hurting, and she lashed out in the only way she knew how. Because she grew up in the family and society she did. It doesn't excuse her behavior, but it does mean I can look at her with some empathy and enjoy seeing her be a human. She had a husband, she liked to mentor, Bellatrix cared about people, HER people. And when her people were messed with, watch out. I am planning to really dig into the Death Eater POV during my fic, which is exciting to me.

There seems to be a lot of animosity around shipping the Death Eaters with non-death eaters and disagreement over whether this is realistic or not. Let's recall, the whole thing is FAKE! Who knows and who cares if it is realistic. I don't care if someone says Tomarry is canon, I don't have to agree with them. I don't care if someone tells me Wolfstar is unrealistic to the time period, or that Jegulus is straight up impossible, because I just simply don't see it that way. The magic of the world is it lives inside each of us. I'm not limited by the societal stigmas of the 1970's because this story didn't take place in the 1970's, it didn't take place at all! (Except for Wolfstar and Jegulus, which definitely happened). So depending on how pure to canon you want your fandom life to be, you are going to find a camp which suits you. I think the fun of fandom is that is doesn't have to be dogmatic. And at the same time, you can find your folks if you need that. But the arguing which is better, wasted energy. I'm always going to be in camp MOST FUN! I think looking into everyone's story is most fun for me.

And on a final note which could be it's own essay, quotes from Sirius regarding ANYTHING in the past do not sit well with me. Sirius is a trauma survivor, he spent twelve years in isolation in a dementor infested prison and as far as we know got no professional mental health care for PTSD before he died. Many claims made about James in particular are based on things Sirius said to Harry, James' son. Um, a bit biased? YES! Sirius wants Harry to see James in a certain light, so he plays specific of James' qualities. And his quotes regarding Regulus (as few and far between as they are) are just as subject to bias. I remember Sirius saying Regulus wasn't as good a seeker as Harry is. Well, Sirius has seen Harry play in ONE game of quidditch, I don't buy Regulus wasn't just as good or better than Harry and that Sirius wasn't simply trying to boost Harry's confidence. I suspect what happened with Regulus is simply too terrible for Sirius to explain or remember. Sirius fiercely protects Harry, I believe he was a protector of his little brother even more so. In conclusion, the realisticness of two characters shipping together because one of them "hated the Dark Arts" and the other was a Death Eater, is not a platform to argue from, IMO.

FYI - I don't engage with trolls. Unless they are the kind from Frozen, the love trolls. :)

[cssns]

It's Time to Get to Know Your Mods!

Please give a warm welcome to one of the creators (and the biggest cheerleader) of this event @kmomof4!

Name

Krystal

How long have you been a part of the CS fandom?

I joined fandom summer of ‘16 after bingeing all 4 1/2 seasons the summer and fall of ‘15. I watched 5b week to week and couldn’t get enough of CS when the season was over, so after a Google search, I found a Facebook page dedicated to them and joined it, followed by making my Tumblr account in August.

What is your favorite part about fandom?

The relationships. My very best friends in the world were met through fandom and I can’t imagine my life without them!

What drew you to this event?

It’s my baby!!! After a discussion with @snowbellewells in the fall of ‘17 about the WOEFUL lack of werewolf Killian fics out there, the idea was born. After a series of discussions with @winterbaby89 and @hollyethecurious, I gauged interest in a supernatural themed event and was BLOWN AWAY by the response!!! Summer of ‘18 was our inaugural year, and it has been a FANTASTIC run!! I’m very excited to see what everyone involved comes up with this summer for our final year!

Will you be participating either as a writer or artist? If so, what will you be doing?

Both!!! I have two OS's written- the first very loosely inspired by Dracula and the other a werewolf fic. I figured since it was the last year, it was appropriate to write fics featuring the original inspirations for the event!!! I'll also be doing art for Joni!

What do you do in your "real life?"

I’m a retired homeschool mom, but I haven’t worked outside the home since my first child was born 26yrs ago. Now, with my kids all grown, I’m more of a life coach than anything.

What are you most looking forward to in this event?

All the new supernatural content, of course!!!

This has been a spectacular event for many years Krystal, and we're looking forward to both of your stories on July 3 and Aug 22 and your art!

[writeblrgarden]

PLANT GROWERS - MEET THE WINNERS - SPARROW

Meet Sparrow, who got tenth place in our grow a plant event in november! Sparrow goes by he/him, xe/xim, and it/its, and you can find them at @theglitchywriterboi. He also loves making potatoes and fries (please share). Xe has been writing for his whole life, primarily fantasy, but delving a bit into horror.

Tell us about the WIP you'd like to talk about today.

I'll be talking about Deaths Diner It's book one/five in a multiverse series. Four people who are living some how make their way into the waiting room [basically when you die, you go there, get sorted, go to your proper afterlife], so a few of the residents have to help them make it out alive. Unfortunately, 2/4 of the people needed to properly help them are unavailable. They have to find them before the 4 living die, w/o getting found out by the ruler of the land.

Describe your writing process. Do you like to plan everything or are you more spontaneous?

I have a loose idea of what I want to happen [sometimes it's as vague as "I want the end to be sad. Anything else, idk" & sometimes as much as I know the exact ending, but maybe not how to get there]. So mostly spontaneous w/ the occasional vague plan [though w/ The Obscure Ones series I do have a bit more of a specific idea, though not super planned out, there's still a decent amount of thought in it]

What have you found to be the most challenging and/or rewarding about writing?

All of it - it's easy to spit out words, but it's hard to make it good. Or at least good enough for me to want to share it & consider publishing. But the most rewarding part is having the final story there in front of me & seeing peoples reactions !!!

Below the read more is more of our conversation with Sparrow

What inspires you to write?

Other writers & my love for their stories & going "Omg I wanna make someone feel like this !!!" & also I just love seeing my ideas come to life

Share some advice for other writers.

Write for you !!! At least the first few drafts. Ofc listen to the feedback of your alpha &/or beta readers when the time comes, but when writing make a story YOU want to read, not a story you think will be on the NYT best seller list. It might be ofc, but don't try to make it [in the sense don't throw in things just to try & grab an audience, even if it doesn't work [or you don't actually like it. Make it good yeah, but don't try & hit all the popular book notes at the cost of the story making sense or you liking your own story]

What do consider your writing strength?

Idk personally, but I've been told people like the way I write characters & character dynamics

What has been the nicest compliment you've received or what has been the toughest criticism you've received?

One of my mutuals said this: "and your writing is so so cool. I mean to read more of it so please add me to your taglist because I really would love to see more! I just love the vibes of your wips, they're like grungy nostalgic kind of, and you really nail descriptions in such a cool way and your dialogue sounds hella real and flows so well. The settings are so cool they're so immersive and I haven't even read much but 👀👀👀👀👀" & it still makes me so !!!!

What do you love the most about writing?

The process - discovering what happens while writing it, meeting the characters while writing them.

✨ Sparrow also provided a link for a rough draft of xir wip, which you can read here!

[sohnric]

[TEASER] partners in crime – j. changmin

after a series of unpredictable events, you and ji changmin, the foster kid with a shady reputation, become partners in crime. in a world where every choice has a consequence, you two must decide how far you're willing to go as you balance on the edge of danger with the promise of a better life.

pairing: ji changmin x fem! reader

genre: criminals au. acquaintances to lovers. coming of age, slice of life. angst, hurt/comfort. thief! changmin. partners in crime au (duh). slight high school au. inspired by a real case of robbery in a jewelry store here lmao. also loosely inspired by the kdrama extracurricular!

wc: for the teaser :: 1k || for the full fic :: approx. 32k

warnings: for the teaser :: existential dread, a fake gun, robbery || for the full fic :: mentions of alcoholism and juvenile behavior, swearing, changmin's character is a little inconsistent at first. changmin is a foster child, dysfunctional families, yn's father is absent. mentions of minors going on dates with older men, a man trying to take advantage of the reader, a physical fight (with the use of a knife), more to be added as i edit lmao

SEND AN ASK/COMMENT TO BE ADDED TO THE TAGLIST! Posting when the editing is done and my beta reader gives me the approval and validation <3 (end of may??)

Eyes catching the glimmer of the silver chain in between your fingers, you press your skin into the metal and drag your nail over the stones in the pedant. You watch over the glass vitrines situated all around the store, various different shades of gold and silver staring back at you, almost laughing to your face with the prize tags slapped onto them, showing prices worth more than your groceries for the month. 

Contemplating your next decision, looking behind your shoulder to catch the security camera watching you, you think over your next steps. Angling your body so that it’s shielding what you’re doing with your hands, you gently take out the drawer that you’ve taken the silver chain out of, pretending to put the jewelry back where you got it from.

Your movements are careful, calculated. You’ve rethought this plan over and over again, birthed in your mind the moment you saw the sign ‘hiring’ on the glass door of the fancy jewelry store in the town center– made adjustments to it, tweaked it around and tried your hardest to make a good impression on your boss so she wouldn’t suspect anything– but now that you’re actually in front of the important part, the one that’s supposed to help you the most in your hunt for money, you can’t really bring yourself to do it.

Who knows. Maybe you could just keep the job– you don’t make much, though, considering you only work part-time. With the way your shifts are scheduled and the amount of time you have to put into working, you don’t really see the jewelry store as a good source of income– you are barely home and have time for anything. 

And it’s not the kind of money you need. Not at all.

Sighing to yourself, you shake your head to clear it off all thoughts– it’s time to do it. You can be sneaky. You can be uncaught. You just have to put your head to it.

Fingers shaking, you move the chain towards the front pocket of your jeans, ready to hide it in there and then sell it in the pawn shop a few weeks later to not raise much suspicion– when the sound of the front door opening brings you out of your thoughts, making you jump in surprise. Eyes snapping to the customer entering the store, you get ready to sport the kindest, warmest smile you can– to seem innocent and not at all suspicious. However, the grin stops growing mid-way as you recognise the appearance of the customer, smile freezing and turning into a concerned frown. 

This is not how you’d expect a customer of a fancy jewelry store to look.

The person is dressed in black, skinny jeans adorning their thighs, the hood of their jacket pulled over their head and a mask covering the bottom half of their face. Before you get a chance to dwell on it any further, they take out a gun– and they point it to your face.

There’s a moment in time where you feel like everything freezes. A moment in time where you just stare the gun into its eyes and wait for the person to shoot you, a moment in time where you can’t even think. Your brain clears, the only thought present at the tip of your tongue being– this is not how I imagined to go.

Your hands start shaking as you put them above your head, pupils dilating in terror. You guess this is something you should’ve expected when taking the job in an expensive jewelry store, but even though you’re aware a situation like this could exist in your timeline, you don’t really expect it. It’s like that with all bad things in life– you keep telling yourself that there’s no way something like that would happen to a person like you.

There’s no way your father would leave. There’s no way your mother’s world would crumble. There’s no way you’ll be left in charge of everything. There’s no way you’ll have to be the one to steal groceries because you can’t afford to buy food to put into your sister’s mouth. 

There’s no way a man would pull out a gun on you in the middle of your shift.

And yet, it happened. Everything.

In a moment of absolute terror, though, it feels like the world starts spinning again and the force clutching your chest relaxes a little when you stare into the man’s eyes. 

Strange, isn’t it?

There’s a sense of familiarity in his gaze. Something mirroring a weird kind of surprise, a weird kind of recognition. A million different thoughts flow through your brain, eyes scanning his figure– the skin of his hands as he grips the gun that you now recognise to be one of the kinds you use when you play airsoft, not a real one– the lean posture of his figure, but most importantly, the spark in his dark orbs that somehow invites you to do everything he tells you to. Not because he’d kill you if you don’t– but because somehow, you know this might be of gain for you.

Trying hard to play out your previous panic, riding off the erratic heartbeat in your chest, you walk over to the cash register and open the drawer. Eyes meeting with the intruder, you precisely take out the bills stacked in the register, throwing them on the counter in a careless, yet seemingly nervous manner. 

“The jewelry,” he mumbles, pointing towards the vitrines with his chin, waiting for you to obey his words. 

It doesn’t take you much to take out the drawers full of silver and gold, letting the man take whatever he pleases, his bag filled with expensive chains and rings, all while he keeps the gun on you to get the full effect. 

You could be given an Oscar for how good your acting performance was in this very moment.

Your eyes lock in another meaningful gaze, one that suggests that all cards are on the table now and you share a secret you will never be able to shake off, before he disappears out of the store into the dark. Acting stunned for the camera, you only reach for the phone when you’re certain he’s far enough to not be caught, dialing 911 and telling the line all about the robbery.

Ji Changmin chose the bad jewelry store to rob.

Or maybe, he chose the best one he could.

[mariacallous]

How do you say “Winter is coming” in Japanese?

It’s hardly a criticism to say the new series Shogun, currently airing on FX and streaming on Hulu in the United States and Disney+ elsewhere, may remind audiences of Game of Thrones. The HBO spectacle based on George R.R. Martin’s novels was one of the more transformative television events of our age, inspiring several close-but-no-scimitar imitators. Netflix has The Witcher, Amazon has the preposterously expensive The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power, and HBO has the Game of Thrones prequel House of the Dragon, all of which have their charms, but none have quite caught the wildfire-in-a-bottle of the original.

It is with great joy, however, that I can report an heir is finally here. The wannabes prove it wasn’t the wizards and winged beasts that ignited our collective passions: It was the palette of complex characters at cross purposes, the knotty alliances, and the inscrutable schemes that conquered our imaginations. Shogun, based on James Clavell’s bestselling 1975 doorstopper—which was previously adapted for television in 1980—is a fictionalized version of a power struggle in early 17th-century Japan, in which five regional lords vie for control after the death of a leader who maintained stability but whose son is too young to rule. Adding spice to the stew are Portuguese Jesuits (whose black ships are building a secret base in Macao) and the arrival of a crafty English pilot sailing under the Dutch flag with a secret mission to destabilize Portugal’s foothold in the region—but maybe to also make a buck or two. That’s the very shortened version, anyway, but hopefully enough to hook you.

Shogun is that rare television series that demands extra mental effort but truly rewards for the work. (Blessedly, FX has created a thorough study guide to help you keep all the characters straight.) Moreover, its roots in history and genuine customs lend it a great deal of gravitas. Truth, as we know, is often stranger than fiction.

But “strangeness” is a wobbly term these days, particularly for a Hollywood-based production about another nation’s history. As soon as the series was announced in August 2018, producers made it clear it would deviate from the earlier, NBC television event. The 1980 iteration of Shogun, which featured Richard Chamberlain, the legendary Toshiro Mifune, Welsh character actor John Rhys-Davies chomping it up as a strapping Spaniard, and narration from Orson Welles, was arguably the apogee of the big-budget miniseries trend that included Roots, Jesus of Nazareth, The Winds of War, and North and South and was a ratings juggernaut perfectly timed for a growing American interest in all things Japanese. And it was very much told from the perspective of its Western protagonist, deploying a classic white savior trope.

That storyline—loosely based on the real life of William Adams, the first Englishman to navigate to Japan—is still core to Shogun, but the new series, developed by the husband-and-wife team of Justin Marks and Rachel Kondo, takes what Clavell wrote and broadens it. The Adams character, John Blackthorne, played by Cosmo Jarvis, is now one of three equally important main characters, including Lord Yoshii Toranaga (Hiroyuki Sanada) and Toda Mariko (Anna Sawai). Indeed, it is Sanada who gets top billing in the opening credits.

One indicator of the new telling is this: In the 1980 version, when characters spoke Japanese, it went untranslated. “The viewer will be in the same situation as Blackthorne and will learn what is going on just as he does,” a producer boasted of this creative choice at the time. In the current version, spoken Japanese has subtitles; it is text, not ornamentation. What’s more, while I didn’t use a stopwatch, I’d say about three-quarters of the show is in Japanese.

While some of the producers are Japanese, the writers are not (though some are of Japanese heritage), so the dialogue was written in English, then rigidly translated into Japanese, then handed off to a Japanese playwright who spoke no English but had expertise in this time period, and then translated back for subtitles. Many of the scenes involve tense conferences in which language is translated on the spot, which is incredibly fertile soil for a brilliant performer like Sawai to say one thing with her voice but mean something else with her expression. (Not to make this too complicated, but within the story, no one is speaking English; however, some characters do speak Portuguese, which we at home hear as English—trust me, this makes sense when you watch it.)

This is just one reason why Shogun is not passive viewing. Those who watch television with one eye on Instagram are going to have problems with this one. (And they should—put down the damn phone!) Not only is there a cascade of characters with different shifting alignments, but one of the central themes is deception and delayed revelation. This is a story in which not really knowing what the hell anyone is thinking is central to its success. This is symbolized by the “eightfold fence,” a Japanese philosophy of isolation that has played into its political maneuvers over the years but in a rich drama like Shogun means that when a woman is professing her undying love to her husband, she may secretly wish nothing more than to be dead.

The new series’ decision to broaden the perspective (and also beef up the women’s roles) may have been a red flag for some worried that it would sand down some of the material that, let’s face it, makes 17th-century Japanese culture look a little, well, intense. To put it bluntly: Could a series for our overly sensitive age show a character boiling a prisoner alive just so he can zone out to the sound of his anguished screams in a prurient haze? The answer is yes. And while that sadistic character isn’t exactly a good guy, you kind of end up liking him a little bit by the end.

Even more extreme (and also in the first episode) is when a character accepts that an underling, who spoke in his defense but did it in a way that defied protocol, must not only commit ritual suicide but also have his infant child killed so as to ensure his family line is obliterated. What’s more, the guy who approves of this is our hero, Sanada’s Toranaga.

Indeed, the frequent act of seppuku is just one of the Japanese customs that is baffling to Blackthorne’s Western eyes, and his character remains a stand-in for the audience in that regard. (Far more benign is the belief that it is disrespectful to step on moss—OK, note taken!) But an important change from Chamberlain’s Blackthorne is that Jarvis’s version is frequently a whiny, nasty jerk. Jarvis’s performance, which owes a bit to Tom Hardy at his most energetic, is a spitting, cursing blowhard with a short fuse who would probably have a much easier go of things at first if he would just chill out. (It is, at times, meant to be funny, and it is.) The Japanese call him “The Barbarian,” and given English attitudes at the time toward bathing compared with the much tidier Japanese, you can see why. One of the best compliments I can give Shogun is that, periodically, you will think, “Wait, why am I rooting for any of these people?!” but still feel a lot is at stake in the drama.

While there is a great deal of gore in the series (now I know what a computer-generated horse looks like when hit by a cannonball), there is an overwhelming amount of beauty. The kimono budget must have been through the roof on this thing. Even scenes that clearly include additional greenscreen are lit with care. This is key for a culture that, despite some shocking violence, places importance on order and grace. With 10 one-hour episodes, there is time to linger on how tea is properly served, how sake is poured, or how a geisha who takes pride in her trade can elevate it to artistry.

But none of that would matter if the storyline weren’t compelling, and I suppose Clavell would not have sold 21 million books if he wasn’t on to something. Shogun is probably his most famous, but I recall seeing his name on covers everywhere as a Gen X kid. My own mother dragged around the enormous Noble House, split into two volumes in hardcover, for what seemed like months. Most of his work fits into a larger “Asian Saga,” though he had enough clout in the early 1980s to direct a television special based on a dystopian short story (The Children’s Story) and get parodied on Late Night With David Letterman.

For all the exoticism and complicated history, however, it’s the inner hopes and desires of these characters that will linger. “Flowers are only flowers because they fall” might seem like a corny line out of context, but in the delicate world of Shogun, it is a moment of perfection and one of several in this extraordinary series.

[mamaito]

What are the most surreal and macabre movies you ever watched? Your favorites?

It's hard to actually find more movies where it is both surreal and macabre at the same time, but there's possibly somewhere out there that I haven't seen yet so here's the ones I've personally watched. Some of them are only surreal and the other just macabre so browse at your leisure.

I seem to have forgotten other movies, my bad. I can't really remember some even if I try to put my head around it. I'll be putting a ✯ symbol to signify that it's my favorite:

Alice (1988) - [✯] A surreal, live action mixed with stop motion animation that is a loose adaptation of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. It's goal is to create a more surreal and dreamlike adaptation as the director was disappointed that other movies of Alice in Wonderland don't bother leaning into it. It is as you'd expect it to be, it is like having a fever dream but the animations of the various character's and design are amazing.

Eraserhead (1977) - [] Those who are a fan of surreal movies will no doubt mention you Eraserhead as it is a more well known one. It is a black and white movie about a man going to his girlfriend's house to ask for not wanting to visit anymore, he gets invited to a dinner with the family only to then find out she got pregnant and had a kid so now they have to marry.

You should experience it for yourself lol, the fun part is just seeing the over exaggerated menial things to the bizarre. This is not my favorite as I prefer something more interesting to analyze and theorize.

Fantastic Planet (1973) - [] Animated film about large blue aliens with human pets. But the human pet then learns of a group of other living humans with no owners forming a resistance against the blue tyrants and go to an all out war. What is there to say other than you should go watch it and see for yourself, the colors are nice.

Hope / Wish (2013) - [] Korean drama film that's about this young girl, So-won, who was assaulted severely to the point of death and the effects of it on her family. Her life has drastically changed and has started to fear men that her own father can't even hold her so he dresses up in this cartoon character just to be close to her. It is very heart wrenching and depressing.

This is based on the real events that happened which is the "Na-young case", and yes the man who disabled and assaulted her is still alive and free. Yes, he is protected by the government like a president. Yes, I will never visit korea because of this.

It's such a beautiful day (2012) - [✯] an animated film that relies sorely on it's narrator and the stick figures shown to you, it is about a man who is suffering from an unknown illness as his memories and vision slowly disintegrates; I really love this movie as it is relatable, I still remember the trailer I watched on youtube and I was entranced by it (I was engrossed by stick figure animations during that time).

This is a movie that you need to experience for yourself as me just describing it to you won't give it much justice, there's also surreal imagery but I don't think it's leaning too hard on it, just down to earth enough to show you the protagonist's decaying mental state.

Guinea Pig Series: Mermaid in the manhole (1988) - [✯] A live action film about an artist looking for inspiration finds an injured mermaid under a manhole. As expected from a gore movie, it is not without nudity and mutilation. What I like about it is the concept of a mermaid being found in such a filthy location of all things rather interesting as I'm so used to seeing them always in either a vast ocean or a certain magical place.

Mad God (2021) - [✯] Another surreal and macabre stop motion film, the plot or rather the perspective of different characters sewed together to create a film is about these assassins sent from above to head down and search for something to prolong their dying world despite it no longer being a redeemable one.

It is a feast for eye pleasing visuals and the dark atmosphere is pretty good, I really miss these kind of animations, most tend to only be short films but this one was made in over 30 years and managed to finish the entirety of it. Just like Alice and It's such a beautiful day, you should experience it for yourself.

Martrys (2008) - [] Live action psychological horror film, a girl from a young age is found and rescued, only to grow up and take revenge against the people who tormented her that day. Another woman, who also grew up alongside her is also abused but grew dependent on the other as she tries to keep the other from succumbing to the psychological torment she is going through. After all that hardship, many things comes to unravel and the woman is left to see it all and then is chosen as a martyr.

There is a lot of plot twists in this film and it doesn't bother to let you catch your breath. There are many things not said to you out loud but the ending is where almost everyone who saw it keeps debating about. If you also want to know what this movie's about, you should go watch it. This could've been one of my favorites but I feel something is missing but I'm not sure what.

Marquis (1989) - [✯] A surreal live action french film, about the life of Marquis De Sade (Where the word sadism came from) in the bastille prison. Most of the actors are wearing animal masks and this movie has a rather unique sense of humor, if we can call it that.. You see, the main character has a talking penis (Yes..) and it is also a character in itself because Marquis De Sade is a known sexual deviant in real life and so in this film he is contemplating and arguing with his penis, Colin, on whether to succumb to his desires or remain in control and focus on his work, letting his sexual desires remain only in erotic literature, which is writing depraved stories like 120 days of Sodom.

I remember seeing a screenshot from this movie on a chan board years ago, about a female cow being tortured and there was a lot of milk being churned out and I knew right away that I needed to watch it. It took me years to find it but here it is lol. Anyway, I liked it because it's just out there.

Mr. Arashi's Amazing Freak Show / Shoujo Tsubaki (1992) - [✯] Japanese animated eroguro film. This is a story about a young girl named Midori, who has become an orphan after her mother passed, she is then taken by a travelling circus as their own and with no other place to go, she complies. There are all kinds of abuse occurring, especially towards Midori, even when she is given an opportunity to lead a better life, it is taken from her right away. The concept of love is questioned, especially in a lawless place where it is the only option for a lesser evil and to a good life.

I cannot stress enough how much I love this film, especially the eroguro movement. I also admire the creator's dedication to fund and finish his own movie by himself. Eroguro movement tackles taboo subjects that the common people do not want to see or acknowledge. It is about a child led astray too soon and left to her own devices for people to take advantage of, when it comes to choosing a partner, she lacks the ability to assess those around her and in turn leaves her up to be abused by one. At the same time it is asking you if you'll deny Midori the right to be with the dwarf when it is the lesser evil that she will ever experience.

It is not for everyone, but as a fan I love it. There is also a live action one, it has a different ending and it has fleshed out Masamitsu, the dwarf further with some changes to it if you're ever interested.

Paprika (2006) - [✯] Animated surreal japanese film, the plot is very hard to understand at first but it is about these researchers who is studying about dreams using a device called DC and record them. But one of these devices got stolen and now this thief has been invading other people's dream and is trying to bring these said dreams into reality.

Now it is up to Paprika, a persona of one of the lead researchers to enter dreams and find who's causing it with the help of a detective, of course. The music is great too because of course it is, Hirasawa Susumu is the one making the music.

The Lighthouse (2019) - [] Black and white live action film about two lighthouse keepers stuck in a remote island together, but due to the weather, their return back home is constantly delayed. The story focuses on their unequal relationship between boss and worker, the secrets they keep to one another and the eventual decline of their sanity.

Throughout the film, you will question everything you'll hear because the two of them are not trustworthy narrators with stories constantly changing without whim. It is hard to tell who exactly is telling the truth but that's the fun of it.

The Lobster (2015) - [✯] A surreal dark comedy movie about a man looking for love in this world where you are punished for not having a partner in 45 days otherwise you'll turn into an animal of your choosing. The movie criticizes both of the extreme sides, those who believe that happiness can be found through having a partner and the individualists who believe that happiness is found where you are alone. People going out of their way to lie just to find a common interest out of fear of being alone and those punishing others just because you are alone and want others to comply with your beliefs.

It is a funny movie, I give you that. The best part for me is when the isolationists are celebrating and they have to bring their own music and dance by themselves and the movie doesn't bother to put a music of it's own. The ending is left to our interpretation on whether the protagonist really went with it or not and whether his lover will continue to wait for him in that diner alone.

The Thief And The Cobbler (1993) - [] An unfinished animated film. It has surreal visuals but it is not macabre. It is a complete feast for the eyes at how much detail and color it has.

The plot is centered around, as you'd expect, the thief and the cobbler. The thief steals from the cobbler and the man tries to get back at the thief but comes across Zigzag, a powerful advisor of the king.

The wolf house / La Casa Lobo (2020) - [] Surreal stop animation film about a german woman, Maria, seeking refuge in Chile, entering a abandoned house so that she can hide from the wolf looking for her only to find two children, symbolizing as pigs and taking them as her own. It is referencing the Nazi's influence in Chile, though I am not fully well informed regarding the political side of what happened in the country, what I did gather from my viewing is a rather oppressive one that's built from propaganda and the like.

Though she claims to mean well in caring for them, the film shows that she thinks lowly of them and that without her, they wouldn't become civilized or human. To Maria, only when they resemble or look like her are they considered as people and the path to happiness which may also be viewed as the remnants of the cult still rubbing off on her to see it that way. At the same time, she is constantly harassed by said wolf, critizing her abilities to be independent from the cult she was once a part of and her ability to take care of two children on her own.

The ending leaves an ambigious conclusion to the three, and whether she survived or not is up for debate. It presents itself as a fairytale like story telling while letting the clausthrophobic atmosphere of the film give off a constant uneasy feeling.

When the wind blows (1986) - [] An animated film about an elderly british couple living in their home till they hear the news of a incoming nuclear attack, you watch as they try to find ways to keep themselves safe in albeit useless and naive attempts as they are clearly not prepared nor knowledgeable against it, even with the help of their pamphlets where the government advises them what to do during it is rather ill informed and gives out confusing instructions.

You get to watch them slowly disintegrate from the effects of the nuclear fallout and die. I do like the art style though, makes me interested in seeing the creators comic version of this movie, eventually.

120 days of sodom (1975) - [] It is a live action film about the ruling people, the government, deciding to take young boys and girls in a secluded castle in order to commit their depraved fantasies into reality. I would say this is a loose adaptation as the director of this movie has decided to put his own interpretations and turning it as a critique on the italian government on how it treats it citizens.

This is one of those unique films that you would never consider having such high quality production to it, and though many people who are just casual viewers would not think twice on what it's trying to say, it may come off as just typical shock value. It is not my favorite but I get the message it's trying to say.

[a-man-for-hire-and-his-archives]

Last King of The Cross – Season 2 trailer

Premieres On Friday, 30 August.

Claude Jabbour as SAM IBRAHIM & Lincoln Younes as JOHN IBRAHIM – Last King Of The Cross – Season 2. Photo by Daniel Asher Smith

Paramount+ has revealed the trailer for Season 2 of Last King of The Cross, the Australian crime series that follows a fictional John Ibrahim in his mission to capture Oxford Street’s late-night empire.

While the series takes some inspiration from the real-life John Ibrahim, who had links to organised crime in Sydney (but was never convicted of any crimes), Last King of The Cross is not a biopic, and is only loosely inspired by real events.

In Season 2, John finally returns to Sydney after hiding out in Ibiza. Once there, he sees that his two younger Ibrahim brothers, Fadi (Alex Kaan) and Michael (Dave Hoey) have grown up, while older brother Sam (Claude Jabbour) remains in prison. The latter is steadily growing a following as he attempts to establish his own Black Flags chapter, which forces John to realise that the Kings Cross he left behind has changed forever.

The once thriving area is all but dead in the wake of the Royal Commission, and John wants in on the new hotspot of Oxford Street. Nightclub owner Ray Kinnock (Naveen Andrews – Lost, The Dropout, The English Patient) employs every trick in his well-connected arsenal to challenge John’s crown, while Dean Taylor (Luke Arnold) and Benny Vasquez (Matuse) emerge as new threats. Meanwhile, Senior Sergeant Elizabeth Doyle (Tess Haubrich) follows his every move.

You can watch the new trailer for Last King of The Cross below:

Original link (only for Australia audiences)

Video credit: Now to Love Au

Source: Screen Hub

[stereogeekspodcast]

[Transcript] Season 4, Episode 1. FX's Shōgun Review

Ron and Mon chat about the latest adaptation of James Clavell's novel, Shōgun. We've seen the first episode of the FX mini-series, and we have a lot of thoughts, especially in comparison to the 1980 version. What works, who works, and would we watch more? Find out in this episode.

Listen to the episode on Spotify.

Hello and welcome to a new episode of Stereo Geeks.

Today we are reviewing Shōgun, the latest adaptation on Disney Plus and FX.

I'm Mon.

And I'm Ron.

So here's a brief summary of the new show from FX.

It's an original adaptation of James Clavell's novel.

It's set in Japan in the year 1600 at the dawn of a century-defining civil war.

Lord Yoshi Toranaga is fighting for his life as his enemies on the Council of Regions unite against him when a mysterious European ship is found marooned in a nearby fishing village.

For those of you who do not know, James Clavell's novel is loosely based on the experiences of a real person, Sir William Adams.

He was an English sea captain and adventurer, and his exploits in Japan are what inspired the book and many of the events that take place in it.

There was also a previous TV adaptation of Shōgun.

This was in 1980, and Richard Chamberlain was playing the European pilot, John Blackthorn.

This first episode of the 2024 series is called Anjin, which means pilot in Japanese.

It's kind of a double meaning because it's the pilot episode, but it's also about the pilot.

Let's talk about this very first episode.

It felt kind of protracted to me.

There were a lot of plot points, but I feel like they were just doled out like candy.

And I understand that you want to set up a lot of this world.

And for that, you need to introduce everyone in the first episode.

But I think what I struggled with a little bit was that events kind of kept happening, but they weren't directly connected with what had happened before.

And I also feel like the reactions of some of the characters, they felt so outsized.

And I felt like there wasn't enough time in the show where they'd experienced these events and these other characters for them to have such extreme reactions.

I think the pilot episode suffers from something that most pilot episodes do.

And that's the fact that it's very much a setup.

It has to introduce all these characters.

It has to also introduce the vibe, the feeling, the sets, the intrigue and the plot.

It's a lot.

Even in 70 minutes, it's a 70 minute pilot episode, and there's a lot to put in there.

So some of it does feel disjointed, especially the reactions and the emotions.

I really did feel like there were some missing emotional beats.

But as the show goes on, I'm assuming it's going to fix that issue.

But as a pilot, I have to say there are some strong points.

The beautiful landscape, the amazing sets and costumes, the political intrigue especially.

Where I really struggled was that when the show is concentrating on, I would say the protagonist because he's mentioned in the summary, right?

So Lord Yoshi Toranaga.

He is played by Hiroyuki Sanada.

When the show is concentrating on him and the political intrigue that he's facing, because a lot of it has to do with the decisions that he's making or not making.

I was invested in that part.

The moment it moved away from him, I was like so not invested at all.

And the biggest problem for me was John Blackthorn.

Now, if anybody has seen the previous Shōgun, and I'm pretty sure people who have read the books will know that he is the actual protagonist.

Who we've got here is not protagonist material.

We can already see John Blackthorn developing into the character who will be such an integral part of this story.

He finds himself on the shores of Japan, he's already trying to learn the language, he's asking different people the translations for words so that he can speak directly to the Japanese people.

So I really like that because language is a huge barrier and a lot of people just put that barrier up and like wave that flag, oh, I don't know the language, it's fine.

So I really like that they're showing, yes, it's important to know the language to actually communicate with the people that you are now living with.

What I will say though, it's so frustrating that Black Thorn keeps on calling the Japanese savages over and over again.

Listen, the first time when the Japanese characters, they refer to the white people who have landed on their shore as barbarians, it was like, huh, look, other cultures call other people rude words because they don't know who they are and what they're like.

But we also know that the Japanese folk in Osaka and around these areas have already faced the Portuguese.

So, they're probably talking about them in this derogatory fashion from experience.

Now, Black Than, from what we see just in the pilot, he doesn't know who these people are.

He's just decided and he calls them this very pejorative term.

He just comes across as a racist.

So, for me, as soon as he kept on and on saying that, my interest in this man just plummeted.

So, this is not going well for somebody who's supposed to be leading the show.

And now we come to the main problem.

Cosmo Jarvis, I've never seen him before.

I know you have.

He's an underwhelming performer.

He's just trying so hard to channel Richard Chamberlain.

And he has no presence.

His performance is tonally off.

Like, if you watch him, in comparison to everybody else, it's like he's in some kind of rollicking pirate comedy.

And, you know, we've just seen one of his colleagues being boiled to death.

So really, like, I don't know whose choice that was to make him seem completely disparate from the rest.

And his acting in general, for me, was just one note.

What are your thoughts?

First up, I will say that that boiling scene was way too graphic.

In the 1980 show, it was only implied.

And that was disturbing enough.

I had to look away over here.

In fact, in the previous show, the lead up to that scene is actually kind of more disturbing because of the politics of the European team and how they kind of just let one of their guys get sacrificed for no reason.

But yeah, moving on from that, I don't want to think about it.

As you were saying, when we were watching the show, shows live and die by their protagonist.

And Cosmo Jarvis as John Blackthorn, he's too bland.

And he's just got one expression.

I saw him in Netflix's adaptation of First Version.

The adaptation was not great, and he was not great either.

I was really surprised to see him in this show, because he is, as you said, technically the lead.

He keeps doing this thing where he's giving breathy insults, and that does not a personality make.

And I keep comparing him to Richard Chamberlain in the 1980 show, who was so vivacious and so expressive.

This is kind of graphic, but the maturation scene.

In the 1980 version, it was a moment of such vulnerability for Blackthorn.

But in this episode, it's just a blink-and-you-miss-it moment.

Even though the camera is actually focusing on Cosmo Jarvis' face, he has no expression.

This is a moment of profound humiliation for this man after he was trying to humiliate somebody else.

And I remember when we were watching the behind-the-scenes of the 1980 show, Richard Chamberlain had said that, I think they used beer or something like that.

And despite knowing what it was, he still felt humiliated.

Yeah, so I don't remember anything from the previous Shōgun.

We lived in the same house, and there was just the one TV, so I don't know what I was doing, but I was not paying attention.

That scene was brand new to me.

I was like, what is happening?

And he was like, oh, they're just going into it.

I'm like, what?

So yeah, I mean, again, when you're talking about this guy who's supposed to be the lead of the show, and then you go to Hiroyuki Sonada, who in the pilot makes me think he's the actual lead of the show, and I'm really hoping that they go with that angle.

I don't know.

Look, Sonada is a veteran.

We've seen him in so many things.

He's always got this commanding presence.

And in this show especially, what I like is it's almost a real reversal.

He's not just in a position of power.

His position is also under threat.

He's a little bit vulnerable, and there's a lot of people asking a lot from him.

You can see all that.

The weight of his family history, which we don't know about, is bearing down on him.

His duty to his people is bearing down on him.

And the battle for the Shogunate, that's definitely on there.

And you can see all this, how it plays on this person's mind all the while he's trying to be calm and respectful and honorable.

All these layers through this very subtle, quiet performance, and then you got Cosmo Jarvis being so weird.

I think one of the main reasons why we're watching this show is because of Hiroyuki Sanada.

Having seen some of his previous performances, a lot of them in science fiction films, this is such a fascinating role for him.

Because Yoshi Toranaga in this show is not a man who is comfortable.

He is literally moments away from death.

He doesn't know how it's going to happen.

He knows it's going to happen.

But there are people on his side.

He just needs to make a decision what his next steps are going to be.

It will involve bloodshed.

And he has already said in the very first episode, he does not want more unnecessary death.

The funny thing is that this is a role that seems to belong to legends.

Because in the 1980 show, Toshiro Mufune, he played Toranaga.

And he even corrected the anachronisms of the Japanese dialogue, because the dialogue as it was written in the script was modern Japanese.

Now, from what I read, the Japanese actors, especially Mufune, did not actually have the amount of time on set as the actors from America and the UK.

So he did not come across as the protagonist in the 1980 show, whereas Hiroyuki Sonada, I think, will get to be a larger presence in this one.

So alongside Sonada, we also have Tajonobu Asano.

I almost didn't recognize him because he is so scary and menacing and evil.

In fact, I'm a little bit scared to watch too much of this show because I feel like Asano's character is going to bring all the violence and gore and I don't know, the salacious stuff, because that was all, you know, connected to his character in the first episode.

But again, wow, what a performance.

So we last saw Tadanobu Asano as Hōgun, one of Thor's Warriors III in the Thor trilogy.

At first, when we meet Asano's Yabushige, he's like the big fish in the small pond and he's throwing his weight around.

He's telling his nephew what to do.

He's, you know, getting people boiled.

Oh God.

But the moment Torunaga's people arrive and they immediately put him back in his place, Yabushige becomes a coward, like an obsequious coward.

Yeah, I'm intrigued to see more of these characters really.

Okay, so I really want your opinion on Anna Sawai as Mariko.

I have a very vague recollection of the previous Mariko.

Again, I don't know what I was doing.

I was not watching the show.

So in this one, I don't know.

I am unconvinced by her as this character.

She's going to go toe to toe with John Blackthorn.

She's very essential to this story.

But honestly, when you see her, she comes across looking like a child.

I don't know how old she is, but she's very petite and very young looking.

We've just recently seen her on Monarch Legacy of the Monsters.

Her character over there is barely out of her teenage years.

So I've already got this preconceived notion of her being really, really young, and she's given a pretty important role.

She has no presence, especially commanding presence.

I mean, there's a scene she's sharing with Hiroyuki Sonata, and I'm like, there's a difference.

There's a difference.

I'm unconvinced.

But what do you think?

Anasawai, she's apparently 31.

She just looks very, very young.

She's actually a bilingual kiwi.

She's had a singing and acting career in Japan, so she's got the acting credits.

Now, in the 1980 show, Shimada Yoko, she was absolutely incredible as Mariko.

She ended up being the first Asian actress to win a Golden Globe because of that role.

And the funny thing is, Yoko was not fluent in English.

She took the role and had to work with a dialect coach.

And I remember in the behind the scenes, she was talking about how he would pull her tongue out to help her pronounce better.

I'm actually interested in seeing what Anna Survive brings to Lady Mariko.

I have noticed that, you know, when you have veteran actors and some of the younger actors, there's a difference in the presence on screen.

I don't know if there's any way to fix that.

Unfortunately, Shimada Yoko passed away in 2022 under very sad circumstances.

She had multiple organ failure because of cancer, but she was all alone and nobody came to pick up her body.

It was very unfortunate.

In fact, there was an investigation that's still continuing to find out what can be done about elderly people who are dying alone in Japan.

Sorry to bring the mood down, but her performance in the original Shōgun was absolutely incredible.

She was such a powerful presence.

I just remember there are going to be scenes later on of Mariko and John Blackthorn, and she's trying to teach him Japanese.

And in the 1980 show, those scenes were so quiet, but it really helped build the chemistry between these two characters.

That is going to be a hugely important part of this show.

You know, this is why I wanted us to chat about this on Stereo Geeks.

I was like, you're wasting all this incredible knowledge and all these memories by chatting about it off the mic.

Okay, so that's interesting.

So the only other point about characters I'll mention is there is what I can only call a Min Min A woman.

Min Min A is a Bengali word, basically like this whining, I don't know.

There's a very specific way.

As soon as you see her, you'll know what Min Min A means.

She has one scene.

She is so annoying.

I know what they're doing with this person.

They're trying to show us that there's this sultry woman who is actually so cunning and she's going to be very important and integral to overthrow something or gain power, I don't know.

She was just so irritating that whatever they were doing with that scene, which I'm sure some people might like and find titillating, I was like, she's so irritating, I can't.

Anyway, so that was my only other point about the characters.

I think you are right.

I don't remember everything about the 1980 show, but there is a courtesan who plays a pretty big role.

I don't know whether it's with Yabushige or with the other characters, but at least over here, she's been introduced as part of Yabushige's group.

I know it's not correct for us to keep comparing this show with the 1980s version.

This is an original adaptation of the novel.

Now, you and I have not read the novel.

We do not have the courage to go through that much.

It's a tome.

Also, if the violence on the screen is so disturbing, I don't even want to know what's in the book.

Yeah, exactly.

So I guess the only other thing we can talk about is the story.

Story-wise, I think there's a lot going on.

The main part which I have mentioned I really enjoyed was the political intrigue of the Council of Five Regions and how they're working against Lord Yoshitoronaga.

There's also the part where Blackthorn, he's now a captive in this land.

What does it mean for him?

How does he survive?

We also have the religious battle, the Portuguese Catholics versus Blackthorn's people.

He's English, but he's representing the Portuguese Protestants.

So there's that part.

All that is very interesting.

We also get to see a lot of Japan in 1600s, and it looks very beautiful, but it's also very violent.

It is at the end of the day, the battle for the highest title, which is the Shōgun.

I'm also very interested in the politics in the show.

Look, every time there is a regent in charge and a very young ruler, you know there's going to be drama.

And when there are five regents, four of whom don't like the other guy, Toranaga, and they're all quarreling amongst themselves anyway, there's going to be even more drama.

That stuff is definitely my jam.

Yeah, but we also know that romance is going to be a huge part of this show, and I am already wrinkling up my nose at the thought of it.

That's true.

I mean, we know that Mariko and John Blackthorn are going to have a romance at some point, and that's probably going to happen sooner rather than later.

I'm in agreement with you that I don't want to see the romance.

I'm not really interested in it.

Just give me the politics.

Does the Shōgunet actually happen?

Is Torunaga going to win?

This is the stuff I want to know about.

But I do want to add one thing.

In the 1980s show, Damien Thomas played Father Alvito.

We haven't met him in the first episode.

I believe he is going to appear soon.

Here's a little fun fact.

Damien Thomas, when he took the role, he didn't know the Japanese language at all.

But by the time he was actually on set, he was fluent.

The problem is that by the time they did the behind-the-scenes documentary, I think Thomas had passed away, so he wasn't there to talk about how he learned the language so well.

I just remember the scenes of Damien Thomas's Father Alvito sitting in front of Toranaga and translating English, Japanese beautifully.

Whoever steps into the shoes of Father Alvito, they have a huge task.

Good luck to them.

Alright, so that's our review of Shōgun after just the pilot episode.

We are intrigued, but a little bit cautious.

Let us know what you think, and if you're in it for the entire 10-episode ride.

Ron: You can find us on Twitter @Stereo_Geeks. Or send us an email stereogeekspodcast@gmail.com. We hope you enjoyed this episode. And see you next week!

Mon: The Stereo Geeks logo was created using Canva. The music for our podcast comes courtesy Audionautix.

[melodygatesauthor]

Weekly Update - 06/11/2023

(Just realized I forgot to post this yesterday hehe)

As a reminder, I do weekly updates. You can see the original post here for details on what will be in these!

Updates Below the Cut:

Long/Chaptered Fic Updates

A Bit Dodgy - There WILL be an update tomorrow! 06/13/2023. We have chapter 12 incoming!

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Mini-series Updates

Blue = should be posted this week

Pink = In progress actively (working on but will not be posted this week)

Red = Backburner Fic (not working on this week - will work on a later date)

The Fractured Moon - currently working on These Fractured Knights (TFM Bonus Chapters) 🫣😏 - No new updates this week though.

Feeling You Can't Fight is DEFINITELY coming out this week on Wednesday! I was hoping to post it last week but I didn’t get around to editing it! My goal will be to put out a chapter a week for the next 6 weeks for this one (fingers crossed - will post more often if I finish the chapters sooner than that) but we will see!

Summary

You are the new staff manager for the National Art Gallery in London, replacing the prior manager who you'd heard was unpleasant to work for...and that was putting it kindly.

When you meet the nervous, but friendly, gift shop clerk, you can't help but fall for him almost immediately. When it becomes clear that you can't shake this desire to give Steven everything he deserves and more, you can only hope that he feels the same way about you in return.

It WILL include the other two boys as well. - Coming this week

Working on a secret series based on a series of artwork done by an artist in the community. Hoping to have that out this week! - Coming out this week! (I hope)

Not a Doctor - I’ve been asked by a few people, and I personally have been considering it for a while, doing a part 2 to this fic! It won’t be coming out this week, but it’s in the works! (Still in the planning stages)

Worth the Risk - taking a small step back from this for now. It’s not at the top of my inspiration list so I’m moving it down the line temporarily. - will work on a later date

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Requests Updates

Let’s have a chat about requests guys. So I’ve been really making an effort to work on them, and I’ve been struggling to feel inspired to work on it at this moment in time, and it’s been a little stressful. That being said, I’m going to do a couple of things to simplify this for myself (this does not include things I asked for like Nathan Bateman requests or the 1k drabbles):

1. I’m going to keep them shorter. I think I set up an expectation for myself (and maybe for you guys too) that I’ll be writing lengthy fics for the requests. I’m going to keep them under 2k going forward unless I find it exceptionally inspiring. Please don’t think that your request is bad if I don’t write a longer fic, please just understand that it's all in an effort to manage my time more.

2. I’ll do a bigger post regarding this point once I have a minute to think about it more, but I’m not going to be opening requests again after I finish these ones. As I’ve grown and my work (like my real life job) has gotten busier, this has become a lot to manage all the while continuing to explore my OWN thoughts and ideas. I LOVE giving back to the community and writing for you guys, but it's turned into something that's bringing me anxiety and pressure to perform and that's not how my hobby should feel. - This doesn't mean I won't ever have my inbox or like event drabble requests open and things like that, this is just for regular requests. Like I said, I'll elaborate more in another post.

3. I'm GOING TO FINISH THE REQUESTS BELOW. Some of you had submitted multiples so I'm going to only commit to one of them. Anons, I'm sorry but I'm going to cut you loose. I love you, but I have to let some things go. (Except for the Nathan request since I asked for it and I still haven't ever written for Nathan.)

I hope you all can understand where I'm coming from, and I appreciate your support so so so much. I'm sure there are other writers who have open requests who would love to take over if I end up not doing yours. <3

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If your request is in blue, that means I'm going to try to work on it this week (06/11-06/17). If it's in pink, I'm going to try to work on it a different week. It's taking me a while to get into the headspace for some of them so thank you for your patience. Green means it's done I'm just working on editing now.

Blue Jones X f!Reader requested by @saraicus

There are 2 prompts in particular that I liked from the list you sent so I'll be doing them. - His eyeliner running down as he’s banging you against his desk.

Moon Boys X f!Reader by @simpforbritgents

Asking for something like Feeling Flustered where the moon boys are doing guided phone sex.

Moon Boys X f!Reader by @mercuryrosesixx

Moon Boys w/ a f!Reader w/ nipple piercings.

Marc Spector X f!Reader by @blueflowerhat

Marc shower sex based on AI prompt.

Doctor Marc Spector X Patient Reader by @burnincrown

Role Reversal (sort of) of Not a Doctor - Marc is the doc, reader is the patient and he takes advantage - Dark Fic - I'M MOVING THIS ONE UP TO MINI-SERIES. It's going to be a long time in the works, and it will probably replace TFM when that one is done so I'm going to put this one up further on next week's update and I will credit you for inspo but I'm not going to necessarily consider it a request since I've been developing quite the lengthy outline for it lol. - Work on it a different week

Nathan Bateman X f!Reader by @campingwiththecharmings

This is the prompt that hit me like a Nathan-shaped mac truck! -> “if you don’t like my teasing why are you moaning”

Nathan Bateman X f!Reader by Anon

Cam girl reader x Nathan - Nathan turns to a cam girl, he's been kinda stalking her. (Excited hehe)

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That's all for now guys! I love you all and thank you so much for all the support you continue to give no matter what. You're amazing <3