#this is literally like walking into my brain in 2015 i was so fucking obsessed with this concept

[nobodymoves]

i can’t stop crying lmao i still just can’t fucking believe he did a circus mv 😭 wearing that 😭 literally looking like something i wrote come to life 😭😭😭 me in 2015 writing my circus au would never have believed this. me rn doesn’t believe it HOW IS THIS REALLLLL

[suekre]

So ive followed you a VERY long time (like from the deviantart days lmao) and i only just realised that you were talking about ocd in that post. Just wanted to let you know that i have ocd as well and god it is exhausting and i know exactly how you feel! I finally start therapy for it in 2 weeks. Pls know that i love your art and you very much and appreciate everything you create and share with us. All the best!! X

Hey you, I know you! Thank you for coming to my inbox and sharing this with me, I appreciate that so much. :) I am SUPER happy for you that you are about to get the help you need, that is awesome. I wish I could have had it at the time!

(And oh boy, the good old deviantart days, haha! Always happy to have my longtime followers around! :D)

OCD is exhausting indeed. People who aren’t affected can’t imagine what a nightmare it is. I, personally, am more prone to intrusive thoughts than actual obsessive-compulsive behavior. When people hear „OCD“, they usually think of obsessive hand washing or „leaving out every black tile while walking through a kitchen“ or so, while it can manifest in other ways. I didn’t know back then. I just thought I was going completely crazy at the time. I think I mentioned my disorder at times but I never actually openly talked about my own experiences (where I come from, mental disorders are a big NO NO, because it’s all in your head, just pull yourself together, other people are ACTUALLY suffering, it’s just dumb thoughts, you just need to think positive, y’know).

I kinda feel like doing it now. Just to get it out, and also to occupy my brain and hands and hey, maybe someone else can pick this up and find themselves in my own experiences. I sure know how relieved I was when I found out I wasn’t alone with my what I thought was a ‚Very Weird, Unique and Niche Problem‘.  

I gotta admit first - I’m doing much better nowadays. Even my worst days, as horrible as they may feel at the time, do in no way compare to the hell I went through in the second half of 2015. I have come a long way since my last (and so far worst... omg, oof, I hope there won’t be another) episode of intrusive thoughts. But, oh boy, was it intense.  It was the absolute worst time of my life, ever. I’m not writing this to scare anyone. Anyone who is familiar with this, will know how bad it is and anyone who can’t relate at all won’t feel affected anyway and will maybe even think something along the lines of „What the fuck?!“. I get it. It DOES sound crazy.

I have always been an overthinker. I always needed more validation and reassurance than other people around me and for the longest time I had no idea why that was. It was usually subtle - always kinda there but never strong enough to actually affect my life in a negative way. I just felt off at times, and not always super good. But I was generally ok, I could always manage.

Until that one episode that changed my life forever. I know that sounds dramatic but, even though I am in a good place nowadays, it sure DID change my life. I was 31, I lived together with my then-boyfriend and I still remember the exact date. Friday, July 24th, 2015. I remember the exact moment when my entire mind collapsed. It’s so weird, it literally happened from one second to the other. I am not making this up to sound more dramatic, it was a matter of seconds.

I was on my way home after work and I felt… restless and stressed. It felt good to get off work (it was my first full time job and... it didn’t go well, to put it nicely) but I was no longer really looking forward to my week off, and our trip to our favorite Open Air the following week. I picked up some dinner on my way, I came home, and I saw my boyfriend in the middle of the living room, he was making some preparations for our upcoming trip. When I saw him, tall and handsome and smiling at me, I smiled back but inside I felt like crying. My smile was fake. Kissing him felt weird, and also fake. And all of a sudden, there it was. The life changing thought:

„I don’t love him anymore.“

A simple thought. I had weird thoughts before, like anyone does, but they never had any greater impact on me. This time, though, that one thought knocked me off my feet. Not literally, I had turned into a pillar of salt somehow. This was the Perfect Man Of My Dreams (at least that was what I thought back then). The man I wanted to spend my life with, the man who made me happy every day! How could that even be, how could I even think something like that?

I felt even more restless. I didn’t tell him, of course. When he asked how my day was, I put on my fake smile again and said it was okay. We ate our dinner (although I had instantly lost any appetite), and I kept looking at him and the thoughts... just kept coming back.

You don’t love him anymore. What if you don’t love him anymore?

On repeat. It was awful. I just couldn’t shake them off.

It’s the stress, I tried to tell myself. You’re overworked. It’ll be good, you just need some rest.

But I couldn’t relax. My heart was racing, my blood was pumping. I didn’t know what was going on. I begged him to leave his work undone and take me out for an after work drink and he agreed. All the time, the thoughts wouldn’t leave my mind. I didn’t want to think them, but they were merciless, they just kept coming back. I felt so helpless.

A few drinks later, I had calmed down a bit, at least so much that I could stand to look at my BFs face again without feeling guilty. There you go, I said to myself, not quite convinced, you’ll be good. It’s already wearing off. When we crawled into bed later, I was tired and relaxed (and tipsy) enough to sleep and convinced that this was just a little glitch, that things would be just fine in the morning.

When I woke up, I felt exhausted. My heart was racing... and the thoughts came back IMMEDIATELY.

You don’t love him anymore. You gotta leave him.

What. The. HELL!? Why are these thoughts still a thing? Why are they still there? Why do they keep coming back?

I kept trying to push them away but the more I tried, the more intense they became. As if they tried to spite me. I started losing focus on everything else around me, the world slowly started to blur. It was just Me And My Thoughts from here. I tried my best to hide my state, and I think I managed for a while, but I felt like a robot any time I talked to someone. When people would pick up on my confusion, I usually brushed their concerns off. It’s nothing, I’m good.

I mean... how do you even tell someone that you just. can’t. stop. thinking. about whether you still love your boyfriend or not? According to the world, that is something you “just feel and know” after all. Except that I didn’t. I had no clue. I couldn’t feel anything. But, according to the world, that was perfectly normal, too. “Honeymoon phase is over at some point, babe. That’s everyday life, you grow comfy, it’s no longer a flash of feelings every day, you know that. You guys have been together for a while after all, what did you expect?!” ... what I felt didn’t feel like comfy everyday life either, though. Comfy everday life shouldn’t come with high key anxiety, sleepless nights and a loss of appetite at any lived second. If that was comfy everyday life, I sure didn’t want it.

So, what do you do when you have no clue about something? Right! Google! Go and ask the world! “How do you know that you still love your partner?”, “Is the love gone?” ... I spent hours, DAYS doing that, but no answer I found was remotely statisfying (or maybe it was for a minute, but the reassurance never lasted long) and I felt that those articles didn’t actually understand what I was asking in first place. I would spend every day like that. Permanently asking myself the same questions, analyzing myself, testing if the Big Feels for the man had decided to come back... nah, not really. Maybe NOW? If I just look at him close enough?! ... maybe if I squint a little?! Fuck, still nothing! Niente! Nada! I am a horrible person, aaah!

(Our open air trip was an emotional disaster by the way, I felt horrible all the time, and the permanent rain didn’t help. -3/10, do not recommend).

If I had known at the time that I wouldn’t spend just a few days but (more or less) six months with this shit... oof. I was already exhausted after those few days.

Over the course of the next weeks I stopped eating almost entirely. I just couldn’t. This permanent tight anxiety knot in my stomach made me want to throw up at the mere thought of food. At my worst point I weighed 138 lbs (63 kg), at 6 ft 1 (1,85 m). I often joked about how I had almost reached runway model standard. I was sick, I was weak, I was scared, but I just couldn’t eat and the bits I DID force myself to eat were burned almost right away by my crippling anxiety. (I still have clothes from that time, and I sometimes beat myself up for no longer fitting into them before I remember that I should NEVER fit into them EVER again.)

Instead I smoked a pack a day. I hardly got any sleep and when I did, it wasn’t relaxing. Always in Fight and Flight mode. My body was at alert level any minute, any day. I’m still asking myself how it could be that I never actually... collapsed. I was always tired, exhausted and malnourished... I dunno, you tell me.

The thoughts never really disappeared. They kept coming back in all variations. You don’t love him anymore. You have to leave him. You may not want to, but you have to. You don’t love him. I had very few “good moments” in between but in those good moments, my mind was usually frantically looking for explanations and reasons behind all this. For ways to improve my relationship, to feel better about my boyfriend. I came up with the WEIRDEST shit. Almost every day I found something new that bothered me. One day he was a little boring. That’s it! We gotta go out more, do more stuff, that’ll change everything. ... aaah, no. Guess not. The next day, it was something else. The day after THAT, it was something entirely different again.

I was suddenly prone to making some HELLA weird impulsive decisions, too. „I gotta break off contact to that one person RIGHT now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!“, “I gotta talk to my mom about THAT particular incident in my childhood right now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”, “I gotta make a trip to the mall JUST NOW, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”… the decisions made total sense to me the second I made them, for about ten minutes at most, but the initial rush of relief started to fade again quickly and I frantically started looking for new solutions. Google was my best friend. I couldn’t go a day without googling exessively. Overthinking, pacing, googling. Any day, any hour awake. Over weeks. A few months even. My mind was constantly reeling. It was a bottomless pit.  

I cannot put into words how exhausting that was. Sometimes the idea of throwing myself out of the next window seemed SO tempting, not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted the thoughts to stop tormenting me.

(I was out of regular therapy at the time, btw. I thought about calling my therapist about it but never did it. I felt isolated, I literally thought I had to do this all by myself.)

At some point, a few months into it, I somehow transferred to zombie mode. The thoughts became a little less intense over time. They were never gone but not quite as nagging anymore. But any time I wasn’t in alert mode, I felt just hollow instead. Sucked dry of any joy, of any emotion, of any sign of life. I just... functioned. Still tried to hide it. I dunno how well I did with that. Probably not at all well. I kept it all to myself, just because it felt that ridiculous. Tried to find excuses. “I’m just tired.”, “You know, there’s a lot going on in my head right now, but I’ll be good.” ... truth is that I don’t remember a whole lot of that time, it’s all blurry. There are just a few significant moments.

Such as that one evening, after work, when I left the building, made a few steps and stood five (or ten? fifteen??? who knows?! not me.) minutes on the spot, motionless, because I could no longer remember my way home.

I got fired from that job, by the way. I’m sure it was mostly due to low performance, I get it, but I can’t blame my poor state alone - they were also assholes.

Anyway.

I had, of course, never stopped the googling and one day, after hours of browsing any niche I hoped I hadn’t browsed yet, I somehow found a blog written by a young woman like me. The description tackled almost all of my thought patterns and I was blown. away. She asked herself the very same questions, with the very same twists, and... she even had a name for it.

ROCD. Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I cried for what felt like hours. Out of relief. There was a person in this world who knew exactly what I was going through. And she even had tips how to overcome it. It wasn’t the first time I had heard about OCD, but as it had never affected me in any way before (I, too, associated it with compulsive hand washing and tile jumping), I wouldn’t have thought of it. After doing my own intense research on the subject, a huge part of me and my life finally started making sense to me. Not much was known about ROCD at the time, but it kinda didn’t matter anyway. What mattered was the OCD part. The subject of the thoughts is entirely interchangable. It’s the chain of thoughts itself that has to be broken. Don’t focus on the relationship. Break the chain instead.

The internet also recommended exposure therapy but as therapy wasn’t an option at the time (weird German laws... regular health insurance covers only a limited amount of therapy lessons within a certain span of time and I had used mine up and there was no way I could pay myself), I decided to try it myself, the key points being:

* No more googling, no more reassurance. Learn to live with the uncertainty, learn to live with Not Knowing.

* Let the thoughts happen. Watch them pass by. They’re just thoughts, they can’t harm you. Don’t fight them, just recognize them and let them stay, they’ll get less scary over time.

* Focus on other things, as hard as it is. Try to occupy your mind and your body. Any minute you spend doing something else but brooding is a win.

It all sounded so very abstract at the time, but I was determined to give it a try. Oh gosh, was it hard. After months of emotional torment and getting used to unhealthy ways of coping, it was SO DAMN FUCKING HARD to NOT google. To NOT think. It felt like torment all over again. How was I supposed to just let the thought sit with me!? It was scary, I didn’t want it! Just ONE little peek, only a second, come ON! I won’t do it again after that?!

Oh god, it was the worst, it really was. Trying to break the chain while I was so desperate to save my relationship was terrible. I honestly don’t remember HOW I made it... but I made it. I somehow... clawed and bit my way out of it. I went right through the pain and made it. It’s not actually a linear process but there comes this point (and I know a few people I met on online platforms who would back me up on this) when you know the worst is over. You just know it. Things weren’t exactly good by the time the thoughts were history but I had reign over my own head again, I could actually SEE the world again, and that was worth everything plus my body weight in gold.

I’ll stop right here because the following months weren’t about my OCD anymore, but about figuring out needs, figuring out myself and what I wanted from life and this particular relationship and it’s not quite relevant and another story. (I DID love my ex-BF but it turned out he wasn’t at all good for me, I had ignored all the red flags for too long, and it didn’t take long after this for us to go separate ways)

I hated this particular time in my life while it lasted but I have learned and taken so much from it. It has changed my life in so many ways. I learned that things are never set in stone, not for anyone. That there will always be uncertain times on our ways. That change is always scary. That it’s okay to be scared. That staying in crappy situations for the sake of it isn’t always the right thing to do. Sometimes, doing the right thing (aka leaving a relationship that isn’t good for you) can make you sad. Love does not equal compatibility.

Looking back, I am - in a very bizarre and twisted way - grateful for the experience. It was an incredibly important lesson for me that taught me to be kinder to myself, to look out for myself and to listen to my own needs. That I should put myself first at times. For the first time of my life, I really got in touch with myself and my own emotions. I learned to understand them, I learned where they come from. I learned to cut myself slack at times.

The list goes on and on, but you get my drift. I know myself inside and out at this point. That wasn’t always the case. Not until 2016.

It still comes back at times. Not with such full force, but it keeps creeping back in, pretty much any time I have to deal with uncertainty in my life. Bad news at work, not hearing from a friend for a while that I’m dying to hear from (inevitably thinking that they MUST be mad at me) or when I spot a few symptoms of sickness that I’m not familiar with (I practically never get sick). Not Knowing What Will Happen drives me CRAZY. I hate uncertainty, I need my life to be stable and calm to fully function.

Now, in COVID times, it’s mostly the fear of suffering from an incurable disease. AGAIN. I’m familiar with that, too. I’m not even scared of catching the virus, I just fell right back into overthinking any symptom I have, even if it’s just a short pain in the neck or whatever (you know, things that one usually brushes off). When my life was busier, I was MUCH better at handling those thoughts. Most of the time, they didn’t even come up in first place. Sitting inside and avoiding contact 99,9% of all times, and having little to no actual distraction („reading/watching movies“ doesn’t help me personally, it does’t occupy my mind enough, I usually just stare right through the pages/screen), however, leaves FAR too much time for the thoughts to unfold, once they come up.

This subtle but lingering concern for my health puts my body into a permanent state of anxiety once more. Fight and Flight mode. The pace of my heartbeat is always slightly, but perpetually, increased. It isn’t always outright panic attacks, it’s this constant state of having to be… alert. Something MIGHT happen, y’know. Be prepared. Relaxing and doing nice things becomes almost impossible. Instead, I get tired and exhausted. Depressed, even. It sucks the joy right out of me. I feel like living under a glass dome. I see what’s happening around me but I am unable to connect, emotionally. People keep living their lives and I can watch them, but I can’t be a part of it. It’s a deeply crushing feeling. I manage to somehow function but I don’t really feel alive. My abandonment issues and fear of „getting left behind“ kicked in again, too. I want to catch up and take part but can’t so I stress myself over THAT, too. This only adds to the exhaustion and makes me feel even more isolated.  

Hello, vicious circle, my old friend.

I didn’t even realize that I had such huge potential to fall right back into it. It all started… I dunno, by mid/end of January?? It’s a bit blurry this time. It is directly connected to Germany’s recent lockdown, though. A massive case of Not Knowing How Things Will Turn Out. I failed to take better care of myself in the past few weeks. And now I’m here. AGAIN. Ugh.

But well, as I said, it’s not as bad and, as I said, I have at least learned some important things over the years. In this particular case of intrusive thoughts, the first rule is: NEVER GOOGLE SYMPTOMS. And never google shit like „chances to survive (whatever illness think you have at the time)“, either. The mind longs for reassurance but googling symptoms is BAD, as we all know by now. It’s not even reassuring when you do it. Because you’ll inevitably end up diving through the vast internet for HOURS, picking up an entry that some person named Kevin made on a cancer forum way back in 2004, saying that his uncle died the next day after finding out he has cancer and that is, OF COURSE, what will happen to YOU, too. There is no other way. YOU WILL DIE.

Excuse the text walls. I took an opportunity to ramble about my own experience, for the first time ever since it happened (not including the few short talks I had with the few people I met on internet forums).

To anyone who made it this far: Thank you so much for reading. It sure felt good to write this down for once, even if it’s just a short summary (yes, really, I mean, we’re talking six-ish months here), and the descriptions fall woefully short. If anyone affected by the same happens to read this -  I am so, SO sorry you are suffering so much. You are NOT alone and you are NOT weird. Talk to someone. Open up. To your doctor, or you therapist, if you have one. To a person you trust. It is the worst but there are ways, there is help. I wish I had known at the time it started for me.

You know now. :)

P.S.: DON’T FUCKING GOOGLE:

[laputaindefrenchgirl]

reasons why i love Tom Hardy.

All is said in the title.

It’s really funny, because I just found back this screen cap from Tom Hardy iconic myspace era. I did this screen cap in 2015 (yes, I know, wtf do I keep in my files) and already, I was having a tad of a crush on him. But now, it’s 2020 and I’ve been through some growth and just reading this text he wrote today made me fancy him even more.

It’s like I am reading his words for the first time, and understanding them in a brand new light. Definitely, I’m not the same Audrey I was in 2015. I don’t think people do change but my impulsivity n’wisdom did something to me. Anyway, here’s to a pretty long post on WHYs I love Tom Hardy.

First, his talent. As most of his fans, I highly respect his body transformations. He doesn’t do it halfway. It was very striking in Legend, where he plays two twin brothers. It’s him but it’s not. These two roles were very emotionally touching, i mean if you forget my never-ending obsession with gangsters, this was truly one of my favorite movie. Besides the stud apparence he developed, the vulnerability pouring out from Ronnie was heart wrenching. If you haven’t seen this picture, I highly recommend it. I also recommend the soundtrack, full of sixties vibes. Then, I love his crazy. What he does in Peaky Blinders is extraordinary. 

What is funny about Tom Hardy is that I’ve seen around 65% of his filmography before developing a crush on him. Like, I really like the directors he worked with, and as I’m a bit obsessed with british everything, well, it’s like I was in the mood before even knowing I am (if that does make sense). From Stuart a Life Backwards, to Lawless, and of course, Inception and The Dark Knight Rises, in the early 2010s I was pretty on point. Funny thing, when I watched Inception in theater I was seventeen, and this movie made me literally speechless, but I was having a crush on J-G Lewitt, and the more I watched this movie as the years went by, I preferred Eames which made me realize how, once again, my growth as a young woman was having a impact on my... tastes?

I remember around that time watching a light action/romance movie called This Means War, and when I first saw him on screen, and I went like “Damn!” and still, the dots didn’t connect in my silly brains.

Then, of course, Mad Max Fury Road came out in 2015 and like thunder, it stroke me. I went INTENSE about the story of this amazing picture (can you hear me scream feminism) and the cast. I mean, Hoult, Kravitz, Theron... This was the dreamboat. Also, it’s all about the context. What I really like here again, is that the previous summer, I watched the Mad Max trilogy with my Dad and as I found it super weird and cool, the themes and plots were very 80s while Fury Road was full of preoccupations we are having right now. 

Previously to all of this, I think in 2012 or 2013, I did this Buzzfeed quizz about which Tom actors was a total match for me, and as I was hoping to launch Hiddleston ; I had Hardy and was annoyed. Funny how the internet can be perceptive, sometimes!

Second, his story. I remember being all, “okay so strangely I watched of his movies but who is he really?” and geez, I’m not dumb, I know that we can’t know-know a person, especially a celeb, from only what you learn behind a screen (no offense there) but I was like, I want to read more and see what his motives are. And I wasn’t disappointed. I read interviews, watched interviews. I really loved that he wasn’t just the quite attractive body he is, but that in anything he did, he was genuine. Yet, yet there was more and more to analyze through the way he picked his roles and projects. The fact that he was an addict, hit rock bottom at a moment in his life made sense. I saw an video he did for The Prince’s Trust on youtube, you could see how bad he wanted to give back. I like that the blunt, roughness he exhales was for a reason, and not for play. And I can tell that, even if he ever was or can be some kind of asshole, he’s never sold for the low. Like, he’s the kind of person who would never speak shit about someone else, or be racist or misogynistic, you know? 

Third, he’s true. If you read the words from the screen cap I posted, I don’t know. The language he uses is something I can relate to. It’s so hard to open up, to be real and to not expect all at once. “i am often afraid. so I have to share. I want to help, it’s not my business to judge, I made mistakes, I stand corrected, I accept casualties, and walk with hope because I fucking LOVE.” aren’t these the words of a legend? In a world so full of shit and assholes, I just dig people like Tom. This must feels comfortable to be around someone who will tell you what he thinks instead of pretending for whatever motives he might have. Of course, I’m projecting a little here. But it’s cool because I know I do. It’s just kind of freeing to look up to someone who made mistakes but believe and hope and love, but not in pink. Just through his own vision, because he is entitled to. And that makes me feel like that, somehow, I do as well. I’m far from perfect and I love my bad side which makes me even less perfect but eh, just like he said “don’t be boring, that’s the fucking worst!”. Man, I couldn't agree more!

Fourth, he’s kinda pretty. Don’t get me started on the tattoos. I’ll admit, my sexual awakening fitted my crush on him back then. It’s cool. I never had a single crush before being around 22, so to fantasize on men and not little boys was kinda strange at first. It’s like I forgot a step in the manual, but I get around it. I will stop this paragraph here because I know that when I will re-read it tomorrow, I’ll find it embarrassing. 

Fifth, I wrote him a letter two years ago. Here’s the funny thing, I don’t expect an answer. Writing him that letter was freeing, and I can’t really tell why. Sending it was like closing chapter full of doubts and hurt I went through in my early twenties. I felt like writing this letter and opening up about experiences and what I went through to a total stranger, and this was one of the best therapy I ever did. For all the reasons I cited above, I felt like he was relatable and so, I went for lashing all my fire into the papers and felt like I could let go of what hurt me all the years before. It’s like I would be heard, not seen, and never judged. This is weird, I am weird. I believe and trust my guts because this is what life gave me best in my entire body. The instinct to know which road I should venture on, no matter what, who and whys. 

“I chose the path of spirituality, spirituality seems to me to be for those who’ve been to Hell.” How true is that. I’m very grateful to have humans who inspire me like this, like Tom Hardy. 

Thank you reading my nonsense, and if you feel the love, feel the same, just know that you’re not alone. The world can so fucking beautiful when you embrace yourself, ugly tears, powerful truths and lunatic smiles. We’re all bloody together in this whatever!

#audreytheartiste

[yellowfang89]

It’s wild how much has happened and changed since 2010, and now going into 2020. I was going to put in a "read more" out of courtesy but for some fuck ass reason, when I came in to edit it, Tumblr isn't giving me that option and the code ain't working and now I'm slightly buzzed so what the fuck ever you can just keep scrolling if you don't care lol.

January 2010- Obsessed with Legend of the Seeker. Wrapped up finishing playing Pokemon Diamond- my first pokemon game on recommendation of my best friend at the time. My last semester of community college started.

March/April 2010- got acceptance letter to the local state college I planned on transferring to. Best friend didn’t get any notice on whether she got accepted or not, but got an acceptance letter from another college about an hour away, and decided to go there instead. After making this decision, she finally got the acceptance letter from the local state college. But she still ended up going to the hour away one. Also, I turned 21 and had my first margarita.

May 2010- Graduated community college with an AA in art. God, I remember when I used to love art.

At some point I ended up officially leaving Myspace for Facebook, kicking and screaming, because everyone had ditched Myspace for it. I hated Facebook but got used to it.

August 2010- went on a two week cruise to Alaska. Came back and started new college afterwards. Had no friends and was lonely, though kept in close touch with best friend over Facebook. Got new Macbook.

September 2010- Finally found myself in a new friend group. Saw a beautiful boy on lightrail I wanted to talk to, but had no courage to. Realized that this kind of shit was probably why I didn’t have a boyfriend, and I wanted a boyfriend for the sole reason of not feeling like a loser for never having one.

October 2010- Saw same beauty, gathered up the nerve and talked to him. Turned out he also went to my school. We started seeing each other regularly on there and things started taking off. 

November 2010- Started hanging out with him regularly, got my first kiss from him. Became an official couple.

2011- Can’t remember what months and for what, because things start blending in together. But

- Beloved cat of five years died.

- Lost my virginity

- Didn’t have much money in bank account and stressed out over it. Couldn’t get a job to rectify the situation cuz no experience.

- Started feeling guilty over the smallest things like asking to borrow a piece of paper from someone. Mentally acknowledging this was weird but also shrugging it off. 

- Lost my appetite and had food problems overall- despite always having “food problems.” Never wanted to eat.

- Distinctly remember my stomach rumbling in class and thinking, “good maybe i’ll starve to death!”

2012- Shit blended in together again this year, and for every year here on out.

- Came to the realization one day when walking to the bus that I literally would not care if someone came at me with a gun because I just… didn’t want to exist anymore. Saw nothing wrong with this.

- The thought “things would be better if I was dead” came to my brain out of nowhere. I briefly wondered if this counted as a “suicidal thought.”

-Decided to Google shit like suicidal thoughts, went down a rabbit hole that made me suspect I had depression. It explained things that I thought were off but didn’t care enough to do anything about.

- Eventually saw a counselor at school about this.

- Got a hamster. Hamster died this same year.

- Got a volunteer position at a library scanning old yearbooks onto a computer so I could have some sort of “work experience” to get a job.

- Boyfriend had got me Pokemon Heartgold earlier. I started trying to “collect them all” because why not.

- I switched from using an ethernet chord to WiFi and it changed my life. Especially since I was able to go on the GTS in Pokemon and trade, though it was fucky cuz you could only trade Pokemon you’ve already seen back then.

- Ended up getting Pokemon Black, and it introduced GTS Negotiations which allowed me to match with other trainers and trade Pokemon live. Due to this, I managed to obtain every Pokemon I couldn’t get in my other games. Except event legendaries, unfortunately. I consider this one of my greatest accomplishments and keep up with this to this day.

- Considered switching my major from Graphic Design to Digital Media because I liked my Digital Media class a lot more than my Design classes. And made that switch.

- I decided to minor in psychology because I had already taken a few psych classes for GE credits so why tf not.

- Towards the end, got a “student” job at that same library doing the same thing except with artwork instead of yearbooks. Finally had money. Depression starting to lift? But job was only a 4-8 hour a week deal so not that much money in the long run.

2013-

- Discovered demisexuality via a comment on Reddit. It described me pretty damn well. Weight lifted off shoulders I didn’t even realize was there. Things made sense omg.

- Joined Tumblr.

- Best friend came over for what turned out being the last time. She was moving to Arizona.

- Got a second job working at the tech company my Dad worked at, helping out the customer service rep.

- Slowly found myself drifting apart from friend. Depression still present. Made things hard but tbh she never contacted me either. I got the impression she was mad at me given she unfollowed me on Tumblr without explanation.

- Since not a lot of work to be done helping the csr, I ended up helping our our shipping guy and became his backup. Eventually the purchaser left on maternity leave and I took her place, eventually becoming the main purchaser because they moved her to accounts receivable.

- Decided that my depression was making me a piece of shit friend so I decided to contact best friend to see how things were, only to get a cryptic, passive aggressive, two-word response back. Ended up just dropping it and figured she’d eventually come around and tell me what was wrong. She never did…

2014

- Depression on and off due to the stress of going to work and going to school. At this point I hated all art and wanted nothing to do with any of it and only went to school for the piece of paper saying I graduated college.

- I think this was when I started calling myself gray ace instead of demi because why the hell not and I’ve only been sexually attracted to one person anyway. Possibly still demiromantic though- to this day I’m still unsure tbh.

- Boyfriend taught me to drive. I got my license. I got my first car.

December 2014- I graduated college. It cured my depression. Unfortunately, it was replaced with carpal tunnel. 

2015

- Carpal tunnel still full force. All I could do was read.

- I caught up on all the books I’ve wanted to read. Eventually came across Warrior Cats. Thought it was stupid for the first 50 pages, but then became addicted. Lost interest when I had to wait several months for the next arc to come out.

- The year I got into wrestling. I shipped Rolleigns so fuckin’ hard.

- Undertale came out and became one of my favorite games of all time.

- Find out brother is addicted to painkillers which is why he had been acting like such an ass.

- Dumped Facebook.

- Driver at the company I worked at quit. Company wants me to be “temporary” driver on top of purchasing, shipping, and assisting the customer service rep.

- Got into writing and wrote a book and continued writing off and on from then to now.

2016/2017/2018? I can’t even keep track anymore.

- Pokemon Go came out and I finally got a smart phone because of it.

- Brother gets girlfriend and then gets married after only being together a year. Brother seems to have gotten better.

- They started having marital problems almost immediately. My brother turned out being an alcoholic and fuck knows if he’s still doing drugs or not he says he’s not but he’s also a chronic liar. A lot of drama happens that I don’t want to get into. They are now divorced- after two years of marriage. 

- Got new laptop cuz Macbook got too old, although it still works.

- The company I had been working at, which had always been a shit company with no money, starts going down the shitter more than it already was.

September 2017- customer service rep quits and I have to do her job on top of purchasing, shipping, and driving. Mental breakdowns become common. Depression worse than it had ever been in my life. 

January 2018- get a 45 cent raise because minimum wage went up meaning I was now making minimum wage doing all the bullshit I was doing.

May 2018- Get new job doing ONLY shipping for a few extra bucks more an hour. Depression cured.

2019

- Got in a car accident (not my fault). Car totaled. Replaced it with a 2018 car so it’s all good.

- Experienced my first flat tire half a year later.

- Still get random bouts of depression.

- Still with same boy from 2010. Would love to move in together but fuck if I know when that’ll happen. 

- Still wondering wtf happened with my (ex) best friend and am still trying to get over it. Am considering the possibility that it was probably my depressed ass not talking to her at all for like 4 months. Unfortunately I have no way of contacting her to try and make peace because we both dumped Facebook.

- Got back into Warrior Cats.

- Dad got new girlfriend. Parents finally working on getting the divorce they wanted to get 20+ years ago but never did cuz neither one wanted to spend money on it.

- Briefly considered taking up drawing again but my skills have tanked significantly because I haven’t drawn since graduating college. Plus I’m lazy. 

- Obsessed with The Witcher.

So much has changed throughout this decade and fuck if I know how next decade is gonna turn out for me but I sure hope it's a better one.

Happy New Year to all, and to all a good night!

[braindumpsterfires]

“Like cubic zirconia, I only look real. I'm an imposter. The fact is, I am not like other people.” ― Augusten Burroughs, Dry

     I got pretty good at faking it, I guess.  There was a time when “are you okay?” was a pretty often question I’d hear from the few people I had in my life.  I’d zoned off again, disassociating.  Maybe somebody glanced my way weird and it seemed they could be judging me.  There goes my mood.  The only thing I can do is look away and stay quiet, legs shaking, goosebumps all over... Nausea so bad I can’t help but gag from time to time... Sometimes I’d answer the question, often to be dismissed as “just being sensitive” or “nervous” and just to “forget about it” and “focus on something else.”  They didn’t get it.  Not to get into the gross details, but my bowels have been greatly effected by my illness, and I had thought it was “just nerves”.  It had happened as long as I can remember.  I was an “anti-social” kid.  When I was real young if you’d talk to me and you weren’t somebody I’d see on a regular basis, I’d lose my shit.  Not like literally... But, I couldn’t handle strangers.  I’d start to freak out and cry and shut down.  I wouldn’t communicate with them.  I didn’t know what anxiety was then.       

     Mentally ill meant crazy... I wasn’t crazy, and I knew that then. To me that’d mean I would hear distinct voices or do weird twitches or hoard or something like on TV.  Like One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.   Because my thoughts didn’t match up with what I felt mental illness meant, I had accepted I was just “sensitive”, “shy”, “quiet”, “weird”, “moody”, “dramatic”, “obsessive”, “manic”, “hard to love”, “exhausting”, as I was told time and time again.  Left undiagnosed, it only got worse and worse.  Life didn’t know it had to be a little gentler with me.  That I was sick.  The adults in my life pushed me harder when they needed to sit me down and talk with me and just try to understand that my brain is different. They couldn’t see my brain was sick and needed help.

    I’d grab hold of anyone who would give me the time of day and wouldn’t let go unless they rejected me.  I thought love meant somebody who could tolerate being around me and say what I needed to hear at the time to soothe the fucking demon that is my illness.  I got into relationships with people I should’ve kept as friends.  I misinterpreted connections and charmed my way into the situations I thought I needed... to feel something.  Something to fill the void of emptiness I had felt for so long. If it meant me having to do all the work in the relationship, I did it.  That’s why my name is still on a house that I will receive no equity in when sold, despite the fact I paid the mortgage for a long time.  Hell, go back even further... I was married at 19.  I’ve often considered having a child with partners in the past with a direct goal in my head that that meant they wouldn’t leave me ever.  That’s an unhealthy way to think.  But it isn’t my fault...  All I can say is, I’m sure glad somehow nature was kind to my broken-brained self and kept me fairly safe.  I have credit card debt.  But I don’t have any STDs or diseases, I don’t have any kids... The divorce actually was finalized (forced by a partner at the time, but it was the push I needed to get it done, so whatever.)  

        It’s not easy to sit here today and accept the fact that all the people I’ve had hate in my heart for for so long just didn’t know how to deal with me.  I can’t blame them completely, though I’ve pushed a large portion of my insecurities on them and their actions in my life specifically.  They say a lot of recovery begins with forgiving people. Forgiveness is a concept I haven’t explored much, not when dismissing my feelings as not real is far less anxiety-inducing. I mean sure, some who have meandered in and out of my life deserve to stay gone, because their actions, while overlooked at the time, can now be looked back on as unforgivable.  In no way blaming myself, the thought does occur to me that perhaps my chemical imbalances are the spark of many of the traumas I’ve experienced.  I don’t give those people that much power, honestly.  It isn’t “all their fault.” What I am saying is if I caught this thing before it ran my life for this long, things would be way different. My life has been quite the cocktail of undiagnosed, ignored, dismissed mental illness and life events that would devastate a person who would be considered, generally, mentally healthy...  It’s no wonder everyone is in awe of how much shit I’ve experienced in 25 years.  I’ve lived through things many people probably never even will experience, and 90% of it was set into motion by my mental illness.  It strapped me to a bad situation and wouldn’t let me leave until I couldn’t handle it any longer.  Cutting the ties had to be very abrupt and as impersonal as possible, (cant handle somebody being mad at me...)  Getting out meant sending a text or even an email, then throwing my phone across the room, ignoring the world for as long as possible.  I know breaking up that way is the asshole way to do it. But I literally couldn’t handle that kind of pressure with another person.

Weed wasn’t a thing then, I was too afraid because I had been raised to associate weed with prescription pain pills... They were evil, and had made it so my childhood was never stable and I lived in a car for a minute and never had my own room and spent 7 years sleeping on an area rug on a living room floor.  And no one paid attention, so I stayed unhealthy mentally.  And it got worse.  And worse.

  As I think so deeply about it, things make more and more sense.  These deep inner thoughts about MYSELF seemed so foreign before.  Maybe I could imagine it for a flicker of a second, but then the lack of self worth would come into play and I’d obsess over how poorly I did something or how those in my life didn’t truly love me and that I felt so empty and bored and just wanted to feel...something.  Faking love is fucked up.  It’s fucked up to have done it a lot throughout your life.  I’m done with that shit...

   I believe the mental illness itself has been passed to me from my mother.  My dad was mentally healthy, aside from abusing alcohol for a time (which he sought AA for because of me and recovered from and remained sober from when I could walk, on.)  My mother abused sleeping pills at the end.  She killed herself accidentally... She just wanted peace from the disorder that she never was allowed to understand.  But I can see it now.  I won’t let myself not get help for this.  I want a life worth living, damnit.  For once in my life I fucking feel like I deserve that.  And that’s a really, really new and cool thing for me.

        I don’t feel empty today.  I’ve had fun and have been pinpointing things I enjoy that make me, well...me.  It started out with spending a good portion of my day with W, and that friendship is going along real well.  It’s cool being able to share my sudden self discovery with somebody like I was able to last night and today.  I’m totally ready to develop more healthy friendships.  For the first time I want to put myself into social situations on purpose.  I want to interact with likeminded people and have fun.  That sounds so obvious as I reread it to myself... But before this breakthrough I really couldn’t enjoy that (masks are great coping mechanisms, fooled ya.)

      And if love finds me eventually, that’s cool.  I do hope it does.  But for now, I’m just going to keep being me, especially now that I have stuff I genuinely want to experience and do now.  I see how I’ve forced things I didn’t even want in the past, just to have someone, and I won’t do that shit again.  I hope certain people stick around, but I’m not bending over backwards for people who don’t deserve it anymore.  

    I suddenly want to start creating things again... building models, reading, photography... I’ve wanted to look into going back to school, but always dismissed the thought because the impulsive decisions I’ve made in my life never allowed me to do things for me.  Or, rather, I could have... If I had the self confidence and love for myself to want things for myself enough to push on.  Instead I’d do what I needed to do to keep my partner and my routine, even if it meant exhausting myself and forgetting what “relaxing” even felt like.  I could lay around all I wanted, but my brain wasn’t like a dog.  It wouldn’t sit or stay or anything else.  It did what it always did... Negative thoughts, obsess...obsess...obsess....

     When I’ve slept for 13 hours straight or spent a day doing absolutely nothing, I’m not being lazy.  My body isn’t tired.  My soul is.  But my levels must be okay because I like doing things again today.  The depression is gone, (for now.  I don’t expect to be happy forever, that isn’t realistic, nor should it be.) It’s very brief departure made me go and get medicated that day in 2015 saved my life, I think.  For a moment I cared about myself and wanted to try.  Something then must’ve given me hope.  What I had accepted before as character flaws that I was stuck with were really mental issues that I now see and understand and accept, and, better yet, now can manage properly.  The next step is getting diagnosed by a specialist (a second opinion), and perhaps talk to a therapist, (at least until my thoughts are sorted.)  

    I guess I’ll allow myself to research this a bit more before I go do something else.  Or maybe sleep... It is 12:17 AM and, while without anxiety and actually happy, I’m exhausted from how much deep soul-searching I’ve done the last 24 hours.  For the first time in as long as I can remember, I’m excited about life.  The thought of “I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to exist anymore” seems kinda insane to me right now.  There’s so much out there I haven’t seen or experienced yet.  Like so fucking much.  And well, I’m kinda cool.  I’m starting to like myself today.  I won’t say love... We’re just seeing how things go.  Baby steps.  One day at a time...

-AEL

[strawbnie]

what are your favourite movies/movies you'd want someone to watch if they wanted to get to know you?

hey hi i love this ask so much and i am absolutely going to indulge and go haywire in this answer

dirty dancing: strap in because this is going to include at least 3 80s movies but I Digress. this movie is very vivid in my mind from my childhood (even though i’ve probably watched it 3 times in the past year not to mention…. every other year), and it’s just such a perfect source for (a) my gigantic bisexuality, (b) my obsession with dancing, © being kind, and giving, but not letting that mean letting other people walk all over you. The fact that Frances has all these dreams that seem improper or trivial to her family but she still /She Still/ chases after them is the BIGGEST life lesson that has stayed with me.(for the record: dirty dancing 2: havana nights, which is - i think - disproportionately and UNJUSTLY shit on, is one of the best movies i’ve ever seen and it absolutely changed my life and i love it and id add it to the list too if it wasn’t part of this franchise)

guardians of the galaxy: i don’t think i need to explain much about this other than that this movie is the manifestation of everything i value both visually and morally and most importantly; how i handle all conflict. not to mention that movies where the underlying theme is the Power of Friendship make me nut harder than an oak tree

ferris bueller’s day off: this movie means so much to me i am literally incapable of being lowkey when i talk about this movie, i hyperventilate and my hands move too fast and i have such a fondness for matthew broderick in this film and just??? my personality is a cursed amalgamation of cameron and ferris and this movie explains my personality with such perfect precision it’s CRAZY and that’s all i’m going to say on it because i’d need days to talk about this movie to my satisfaction so jot that down!

unaccompanied minors: i always refer to this movie whenever anyone asks me what my favourite movie is because it just. Is. it’s a constant. It’s a feel-good christmas movie that took me until THE END to realise; fuck, there’s no santa claus there’s no magic elves it’s just a bunch of kids in an airport where all flights r postponed bc of the blizzard - but i still think it’s the best and most ASTOUNDING film exploration of christmas magic that’s ever been attempted. That’s christmas magic, that’s it. this movie captures it to a T. these kids finding themselves and friendship in one another and it’s just the BEST cast of personalities I HAVE EVER experienced and thinking about it makes goosebumps rise on my skin i literally cry every time i watch it?? to the point that it’s ridiculous. We used to rent it (back when renting dvds was a valid practice) and i’d watch it All Year Round. We rented it every fucking week that’s all u need to know.

amelie: acts as karma in karma’s stead. most unconventional love story i’ve ever seen play out. always, ALWAYS makes me feel happier at the end of it than i’d been at the start. literally the source of why i speak the way i do, why i use the words i use, why i conceptualize most things i do. also perfect example of Just Be Fucking Kind. i love this movie so much and the soundtrack BANGS

dead poets society: i steer as far away from sad movies as i possibly can - i’ll watch them, i’ll enjoy them, i’ll praise them - but i would never subject myself to them more than once. hah. here’s where the tide turns. dps means so much to me on an intimate, cosmic level i don’t know if i m ready to talk about. it has the saddest movie plot twist i can even think of, and i dehydrate myself every time i watch it, but it’s still one of the most positive movies and influences in my life and growth as a person, and while Sad Things Happen, i don’t think of it as sad. It ends so positively, it shows you that there is so much good, and evolution, and new opportunities to be taken in every corner of life. I just love it so fucking much!!!!!!! FUCK

Cinderella (2015): this movie. this FUCKING movie. the prince falls in love with cinderella for the things she’s said to him, for the way she manages to shake up his worldview with just one conversation, not just because she’s pretty. The stepmother is so vivid, and real, and there’s a REASON for her malice, it’s not just mellow theatre - it becomes so real; and yet, you still Hate her, you understand the whys of it, but it doesn’t JUSTIFY any of her behaviour. That decimating “i forgive you” at the end killed me. Most visually gorgeous movie i’ve ever seen, with such an engaging love story. “Have courage and be kind” is stuck in my head forever; i don’t think i could describe to you how deeply this phrase changed me

ever after: my other favourite cinderella adaptation. The prince falls in love with Danielle for her personality, they actually spend time together; his classism is confronted - by danielle herself, and by his advisors. He takes responsibility and uses his privilege for good. Leonardo Da Vinci is in it - there is no unnecessary love triangle involving danielle’s best friend, there is only healthy love and support and this movie is just boundless magic that never ends. And just like with unaccompanied minors - it took me until the end to realise there was no magic portrayed in it the way it usually is. I still maintain it’s the best fairytale film in the world, and there is so much magic in it (u just have to know where to look).

mamma mia: for those of u who know me, this needs no explanation. I think if u just watch the movie you’ll get it, and me, 100%

Pride: GOD, OKAY I DONT” THINK I CAN TALK ABOUT THIS MOVIE N O T IN ALL CAPS. THIS MOVIE IS EVERYTHING TO ME I COUDL WATCH IT? FOREVER. REALISTIC PORTRAYAL OF GAY PEOPLE, A DISCUSSION OF THE VERY REAL, VERY PAINFUL HISTORY OF AIDS, AND RIOTS, AND BEING GAY - WITHOUT THAT TAKING AWAY FROM THE LIGHT TONE OF THE MOVIE. THIS MOVIE IS SUPERIOR TO EVERY OTHER FUCKING MOVIE OUT THERE I AM SO FUCKING IN LOVE WITH THIS MOVIE AND I WANT TO CRY JUST THINKING ABOUT IT HTANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT

you’ve got mail: i’m going to take this last spot to also suggest watching literally every other romcom that’s ever been made (sleepless in seattle, can’t buy me love, just like heaven, imagine me and you, confessions of a shopaholic, leap year, etc.) because those are a very good, concise summary of who i am as a person but this one specifically is my Title Choice because just. god i don’t have the Energy or Brains to even think about explaining why im just. So happy this movie exists. I’m literally so in love with the characters in this, and the cinematography of it and the plot and their DYNAMIC and everything - everything about this movie has me soft at the heart

[meepface]

hello friends i am trying to distract myself feel free to ignore

1. What question do you hate answering?

people asking me what’s wrong when the answer is something about me feeling suicidal bc i don’t like my irls knowing i guess?? it makes me uncomfortable when people know too much about me in that aspect i guess. it makes me uncomfortable when people too much about me in general lmfao

2. If you could be anywhere in the world right now where would it be?

not to be gay but my girlfriend’s arms lmfaooo but if she could come with me i’d love to go to Iceland

3. Do you have any obsessions right now?

i’ve been really into folk music and girl punk as of late lol and i also am trying to change up my wardrobe completely so i’ve been real into thrift shopping as well

4. Does anyone in your real life know you have a tumblr and do they follow you?

yes i have a few people who follow me and all they’re learning about me by following me is that i’m really sad and i like girls, which are things they already know so it’s chill

5. What is something you disliked about today?

i have been depressoooo bc my plans today got a lil fucked up so i had too much free time to think about how much i miss my gf, and i am trying not to talk about it too much but i am sad. it’s okay bc tomorrow i have a full ass day with all my best friends and that’s gonna be so good for me. just gotta get out of this house

6. What’s one thing that people compliment you on and you don’t know why they do that?

my smile bc i think my smile is ugly as all hell and i’m working really hard on smiling in pictures more and loving it but man idk. people tell me it’s nice but i don’t see it ig

7. Do you like bubble baths?

yes very much!!

8. Do you talk to yourself?

all the time, i’m the only one who listens to me

9. Are you a writer?

i used to write like, stories, which i wanna do again bc i have so many ideas floating around in my brain. for now i write a lot of sad poems or poems about how in love i am and then just not show anyone bc i’m insecure, but i have journals of em

10. What are somethings you’ve written?

i started this cute gay love story about two boys and one tried to kill himself by walking into traffic and the other was the one driving the car that hit him and the boy survived and met the other boy and they fell in love and shit and i got pretty far but i just sorta stopped so i wanna pick that back up sometime. i could see that one being a cute indie film

11. Has someone ever written something for you?

yeah my ex boyfriend wrote a heavy metal guitar solo for me if that counts lmfaooo but i’ve had a few poems written by some people i’ve had things with and then a long time ago a disgusting boy wrote a NSFW fanfiction about me and John Krasinski and i was underage and he was 28 so that was disgusting!

12. Have you ever gotten a love letter?

from my current gf yes, i also got one from a girl i met on a dating app like three years ago lmfao and one from a girl i had a thing with in 2015. i also got one in middle school from a boy who was like in love w me but like in a creepy way so that was not fun lol

13. Favorite quote?

it changes but right now it’s “turn soft and lovely any time you have the chance”

14. Name one book that you will always remember. 

i really really loved The Outsiders i think it was one of my fave required readings in middle school

15. Name the top five things you spend the most time doing.

laying in my bed, hanging out w my gf, clothes shopping (esp when i don’t need it), working, drinking wine and crying probably

16. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

hmm this is a variety but lately i like Sweet Talk by Saint Motel, RENTAL by BROCKHAMPTON, Fish on a Hook by Wild Rivers, the acoustic version of There, There by The Wonder Years, and of course Disco Tits by Tove Lo

17. What’s the highest you’ve accomplished in school?

i did this short film about drinking and driving that was awesome, and i also directed our school’s first lip dub w my best friend and that was honestly a major highlight for me 

18. What do you do when you wake up?

i usually check my phone and lay there for like an hour sometimes an hour and a half and then i go shower

19. Morning showers or night showers?

moooorning

20. Beer or Wine?

wine, i am such a wine mom. i don’t entirely hate beer though

21. inside or outdoors?

outdoors if i’m somewhere green and pretty like the mountains. the mountains are honestly my happy place i love feelin small next to em and i wanna live somewhere where i’m surrounded by em

22. Morning or Night?

night if i’m with friends/gf, morning otherwise

23. Summer or Winter?

autumn

24. Rain or Sun?

sun !! rain makes me sad lately if i don’t have a lot of company with me 

25. Ice-cream or Cookies?

cookies bc i’m lactose intolerant lmfao

26. Sweet or Salty?

salty

27. What is your favorite beverage?

i’m a water bitch. coffee comes second tho

28. Has any one person ever made you so angry that you couldn’t forgive them?

i thought i forgave em but i don’t think i can, i’m still mad. not like they said sorry anyway though

29. Are you outgoing or shy?

not shy just introverted

30. Has someone ever made you cry?

everyone makes me cry i’m literally a baby

31. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

my girlfriend when she gets hoooome, also my cousin if he comes in town to visit

32. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

yeah, a few people. when i was crushing on Caitlin before we started dating i had it so bad i would literally cry on my way home from hanging out with her because i was in love with her but she had no idea. it’s all good now i can kiss her all the time

33. Do you have a crush on anyone right now?

yeah my cute gf here is us from a week ago when it was snowing in TX and everyone was losing their goddamn minds

34. Does anyone have a crush on you?

i would hope my gf does

35. Do you still talk to your first crush?

actually yes lmfao every once in a while, he lives in Alaska now so we can’t hang out anymore though or we still would

36. Name a person you love?

Caitlin

37. Ever broken someone’s heart?

yes

38. Ever been heartbroken?

yes

39. Do you ever want to get married?

i know at some point i do but i’m very scared of rushing into it. marriage and the concept of it kinda freaks me out. not the committing to one person for life part bc i can do that, but idk. maybe bc it didn’t work out for my parents i don’t really see it as completely necessary when you’re in love and committed to someone to marry them, but i think i’ll probably still get married if my partner wants to. i’d be committed to them either way is all i’m saying

40. Who are five people you find attractive?

my girlfriend, Borns, John Krasinski, Zendaya, Donald Glover

41. What’s your dirtiest secret?

if i talked about it it wouldn’t be a secret would it

42. Has someone ever bought you a drink?

yes but not in the romantic gesture kinda way

43. Have you ever gone home with someone you just met on a night out?

i’ve gone to a girl i made friends with’s house after just meeting her once?? i didn’t stay the night though and it was for a party w mutual friends so nothing like what i’m aware this question is trying to imply

44. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

nope not at all

45. Why did your last relationship end?

i broke up with him bc 1. i wasn’t attracted to him anymore and most importantly, 2. bc he cheated on me 

46. Would you get back with the person you were last in a relationship with?

absolutely not, plus i have a gf now who i love with my whole heart and dating anyone else sounds unappealing

47. Have you recently made any big decisions?

oh yeah, huuuuge ones. caved and got spotify premium yesterday and it saved my life

48. What has been your most favorite moment of 2017?

yikes it took me a few mins to think of one bc for the most part this has been a really awful year, but probably my first pride parade w my best friend!!

49. What did you do on April 7th, 2017?

that was the day before my birthday! i was probably just chillin and maybe having an existential crisis about turning 20

50. Are you excited for May 12th, 2017?

it already passed but i know around that time in my life i was taking a break from a lot of things that stressed me out and i was listening to a lot of Harry Styles so it was a good time probably

[topicprinter]

I originally posted this as a blog on medium - for some context, I'm the founder/ceo of a social media app for making plans with your friends. Odds are, you haven't read my first blog post detailing the story of my startup inception-launch. If you have a few extra minutes, the link will be in the comments - it provides some useful context for the things I’m about to write about. That said, reading it is not required to be able to learn something from this post.1: Discipline and focus are muscles.Until I started working on my app, I was not a disciplined person by any stretch of the imagination. I was diagnosed with ADD in 10th grade, but I view it more as a label more than a diagnosis — it’s not a label I’ve resigned to, but instead is something I recognize and actively work on. One my ADD tendencies is needing near instant gratification in order to preserve my interest. It doesn’t help that we live in a world where attention is currency and companies profit from manipulating your brain into releasing as much dopamine as possible.The best benchmark for my ability to focus is how much I rely on music. Before I began working on my app, I needed to listen to music in order to focus on a task. The fundamental part of ADD is being easily distracted — my prefrontal cortex is simply worse at filtering out external stimuli than the average person (which I’m honestly grateful for, but I’ll get into that more in a future blog post). If I wasn’t listening to music I knew well enough to predict what came next, I would become distracted by novel stimuli (especially sounds) without consciously realizing I was now thinking about something else.Now, a year and a half later, I rely on music much less. I have a coding playlist that started off being mostly instrumental music (shoutout Ratatat), but grew to include more music with words as I became better at ignoring the words to focus. I still prefer to listen to music while I work, but it’s not a necessity to prevent myself from being distracted. This is mostly a product of habitual meditation.I set hourly reminders to do some quick meditation by focusing on 10 breaths — this means turn your music off, close your eyes, sit up straight, and take deep, slow breaths. This should take at least a minute.It took me less than a week to notice a dramatic difference in my general mental state: I was more aware and present with my tasks, which is one of the parts of ADD I struggle with most. I also felt generally more at ease throughout the day, and I could calm my mind more easily and fall asleep faster at night.Another ADD tendency is hyperfocus — when I’m in the middle of something (especially coding) it’s hard to tear myself away and do nothing except focus on breathing. This is because the less conscious part of my mind (the one that makes impulsive decisions) views meditation as high effort and low reward. I’d rather continue programming because when I finish a task, I get a dopamine release. Meditating is not only hard, it’s boring — and there’s no real immediate reward. However, any work I’d get done in the minute break doesn’t compare to the higher quality work I produce over the next hour because I took the time to step back and become more present with everything I’m doing.​2: Be honest with yourself.This requires removing your ego from most things. If you can’t admit your shortcomings or learn from your mistakes, you’ll stagnate, and to stagnate is to fail. Attempting to preserve my ego by deluding myself into believing I can focus just as well as everyone else with the same level of effort is only going to hurt me in the long run.When I had the idea of an app that helped you make plans with your friends my freshman year of college (Spring 2016), I didn’t get very far. Despite having a strong background in tech/comp sci — I’d only written two lines of code in a project folder called munchr before giving up.Why did I give up? It was easier to blame the fact that another app for making plans (DownToLunch) was blowing up than to admit I wasn’t disciplined/motivated enough to get to a point where I could make progress.My motivation to build the app (at least, in that stage of my life) primarily revolved around the end goal of me being a famous CEO worth hundreds of millions of dollars. As it turns out, the fantasy of the view from the summit of CEO Mountain was not a powerful enough motivator to keep me climbing — nor would it have ended up fulfilling me as much as I expected anyway. You have to work on something because you love the process, and I did not yet love the process of creating, because —and this may come as a surprise — it’s pretty fucking hard.​3: You are your best asset. Invest in yourself.I read somewhere that as a founder, you should value your time at $500 an hour. If you break it down, it’s not all that outlandish a theory — if it takes you 4 years at 50 hours a week to make a startup worth $10m, each of those hours were worth almost $1k.You should do everything in your power to make your time as productive as possible. This means sleeping at least 8 hours, eating healthy, and exercising. Get up and walk around at least once an hour. Your success is not measured by time spent, but by your output. Your output has diminishing returns with how much time you spend working.Invest in your developing environment. In terms of your output, there are two types of friction — mental (how fast you can move ideas from your head to the real world) and physical (how fast your computer reflects those ideas). There’s a lot I do in my developing environment to cut out both types of friction, but I’ll get more into that in a future blog post.On my 2015 MacBook Pro, saving a file and having the iPhone simulator recompile my changes took about 5 seconds. I was lucky enough to land some investment money from family and friends in January of 2018, and my first purchase was a 2017 MacBook Pro with pretty beefy specs. My shiny new MacBook Pro refreshes changes in less than 2.5 seconds. On average, I save and recompile 5 times a minute. Over the course of an 8 hour day, that’s over an hour just waiting for my changes to be reflected. At $500/hour, the cost of my new MacBook was made up in less than a week.I am very privileged to be in a position where I can afford expensive toys like that, and I recognize not everyone else shares that privilege. However, the point still stands — your first priority should be to cut out all the friction involved in your output that you can.​4. Do things that make you extremely uncomfortable.I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it many times — starting up is by far the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever done. In the 1.5 years I’ve been working on my app, I’d estimate I’ve grown to be a new version of myself four times. It did not happen easily — growth is more often painful than not. There are three major things I’ve done that serve as benchmarks for personal growth.4.1: I raised money from family and friendsThe very nature of creativity is to be vulnerable — taking an idea and putting it out into the world is to open yourself to all forms of rejection. Pitching my app to raise money from family and friends was the first significantly uncomfortable thing I did. Most said no — this is where being able to remove your ego becomes so important. To take rejection personally and believe you were rejected becauseyour idea is badwhoever you pitched to doesn’t think you’re smart enough to see it throughis more than enough to make most people give up. Instead, view their rejection for what it actually is — humans are very irrational and resistant to change.​4.2.0: I started taking ice cold showersAll my life, I’ve despised cold water. It was a running joke in my family — I’d take my sweet time getting into a pool inch by inch, and wouldn’t go into the ocean until August. When I first told my parents I’d been taking cold showers, they laughed hysterically because they thought I was kidding. After months of insults directed at my willpower, my co-founder Alden finally got me into taking ice cold showers. When I say ice cold showers, I mean the coldest possible setting. If it doesn’t make you involuntarily gasp when you get in, and if you don’t hate it the whole time, it’s not cold enough.I’ve been taking cold showers since September 2018, and it hasn’t gotten much easier — as winter set in and the coldest setting on the shower became colder and colder, the only way I’m willing to subject myself to them is by sitting in the sauna at the gym until my consciousness starts dissolving. At the same time, the benefits haven’t gone away either (as someone who is very driven by the ratio of effort to reward, this is important) — if anything, the benefits have become more profound. After the first few seconds of severe discomfort, I literally feel unstoppable. You’ll never feel more alive than the first few seconds of cold shock as your body freaks out and produces an adrenal response in an effort to maintain homeostasis. Why do PCP when you can achieve the same feeling with some cold water?There are countless health benefits of cold immersion therapy that people obsess over, but the benefit people usually fail to mention is what it does to your willpower. The energy required to eat healthy and focus throughout the day pales in comparison to the energy I expend in forcing myself to endure freezing cold water until I’m covered in goosebumps and shivering. I didn’t start out that way — like I said earlier, discipline is a muscle. Unless you’re Drake, it’s hard to go from 0 to 100 real quick (or in this case, 100° to 40°): start by ending your showers cold, or toggling between hot and cold. The more you exercise your body’s ability to maintain homeostasis, the more comfortable you will be in the cold, and in general.4.3: I got rejected, oftenAfter we launched in April of 2017, I ordered a couple thousand stickers. My teammates and I would spend 30 seconds explaining the app while handing them out to people in dining halls/dorms on campus. People would say “I’m not really interested, sorry” straight to my face, or leave the stickers behind wherever they were sitting. I won’t lie to you, that really fucking hurt.Saying “take your ego out of things, don’t take things personally” is a lot easier than actually doing it. As much as it hurt to be told that whoever I’d just pitched to didn’t care, it motivated me 10x more. I became immune to the fear of rejection — if the worst case scenario of putting yourself out there is getting rejected and ending up in the same place you started, fuck it, send it bröther. Odds are, you’ll learn something.5. Learn to say “Fuck It, Send”.I am probably the biggest perfectionist I know. I used to make memes/write jokes on twitter (I'll link a collection of them in the comments). This was before the limit was 280 characters, which was a blessing as much as it was a curse— when I had a tweet idea, I’d sit on it for days or even weeks until I was certain it was written the best way it could be delivered.​Here's the joke I'm most proud of, which currently stands at 48k likes and 4.5 million impressions (all organic):Her: when you said "magical in bed" this isn't exactly what I was exp-Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your cardHer: *softly* holy shit At 139 out of the former 140 character limit, I tweeted/deleted 5 different versions of it over two weeks before I was finally satisfied it was in the best format it could be.5.1: MVPMinimum Viable Product is an art as much as it is a science — for example, my app didn’t launch until users had the ability to peek other college’s feeds. In hindsight, we shouldn’t have built that functionality until people started actually downloading it at other schools. It’s hard to have that kind of foresight — I was utterly convinced it was going to blow up immediately and I didn’t want to launch before we were prepared for scale. The only way I found out otherwise was by putting it out into the world, something I would’ve done sooner if I didn’t fall into the One More Feature trap. Having your app/servers crash because they’re not properly equipped for scale is one of the best problems you can have.5.2: One More FeatureIt’s not hard to fall into the trap of thinking that this One More Feature is going to be the difference between success or not. It’s much easier to sit behind a screen and develop more functionality than to put your ideas out into the world where they face rejection. This is where being honest with yourself is so important — is this one thing really what will make or break you? Or are you working on that feature because you’re more comfortable developing than going out into the world and trying to get people to use your product?5.3: Push NotificationsIn the early stages of launch, we sent very few push notifications. I was scared to annoy people — if I sent too many, they’d delete the app, and we’d never get anywhere. However, you have to understand that you don’t owe the people who aren’t using your product anything: the people that are one or two push notifications away from deleting your app are not the people that will be responsible for its success anyway. Obviously, don’t overdo it, but it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission.Besides investing in yourself, learning to say “Fuck It, Send” is the best thing you can do for your product — the sooner you get it out into people’s hands, the sooner you figure out why it sucks (which it inevitably will) and what you actually need to focus on to get it going.It also helps you prioritize the right things. Being the CEO, sole frontend developer, lead marketer, and literally every other role besides backend leaves me with much more on my plate every day than I can ever hope to get done. If I don’t focus on what actually matters, I’ll fail. This ultimatum is more a blessing than a curse, and the reason startups are even successful to begin with.​These are just five of the innumerable lessons I’ve learned on this adventure, and I will be writing about more of them in the future. If you enjoyed this or learned something and want to keep up with my future blog posts, let me know and I'll drop you a link to my twitter/mailing list.