#this is like the most tmi post i’ve ever made on any platform i think

[sposp0]

guys ik ive been posting abt shitting (literally shitposting) often but IM UPSET OK bruh i literally sat there for like ever and got like half of it out. there’s this big part that like wont come out and i was trying for so long before eventually giving up 😭 but like i need to shit, like i can feel the urge to and my stomach gurgling n shit but like i can’t this sucksss

i have actually dealt with worse tho, when i was in inpatient at a mental hospital i was constipated for like idk 6 days and i tried multiple times every day and it never worked and my stomach started hurting and i was still eating regularly too so it was building up but i was too embarrassed to say anything and omfg it was literally one of the worst experiences i’ve ever had. but let me tell you. when i finally managed to take that shit (by myself while i was still there i might add). it was holy. it was the best feeling literally ever. i think i cried from relief. also i did bleed but we don’t talk about that

so anyway moral of the story is i’ll probably be fine lol worst case scenario i go to my mom abt it and make up a bs excuse for the cause so i can get some laxatives or smth

[grxceblqckthxrn]

TDA characters as types of tiktokers

y’all KNOW i’m bored when i’m doing this shit lmao 

i’ll get around to doing the other TSC characters eventually TDA was just the first to come to mind also if you’re not actively on tiktok some of what i say might not make sense ahaha

also i named some tiktokers who yall can use for reference for some of them and from what i’ve seen they’re all fairly unproblematic so you should check them out!!

EMMA CARSTAIRS

okay so she’s DEFINITELY super popular and she uses her platform for good

she’s really funny and a lot of her audios go viral posts videos of her dancing saying that she cant dance but she’s actually really good at it

6M followers and growing fast 

 hypes up her boyfriend’s account ALL the time

calls out misogynistic/racist tiktokers through duets and KEEPS THEIR TAG IN THE CAPTION  

 she is not afraid of starting drama lmao

occasionally hops on POV and transition trends but its usually satire 

emma can’t act for shit lmao 

super active on tiktok and has a spam account

people are always asking her to drop the skin care routine but she doesn’t have one?? 

*pushes Zara down* “and no one’s gonna help her?? WOW some world we live in”

JULIAN BLACKTHORN

there’s no way he doesnt  have an art account lmao

a lot of his paintings go viral but 90% of his comments are 14 year old girls thirsting over him

yall know that pottery guy on tiktok?? the cute one?? (i searched up his account just for this post he’s @/daxnewman769) that’s the best way to describe him

literally all the famous tiktokers commission him

probably has like 4M followers lmao

will occasionally make about how respecting women doesn’t make you a “simp”

doesn’t get into tiktok drama tho

posts candid videos of emma and all his jealous 14 year old fans get so pressed but he shuts down anyone who says anything bad about her

sometimes does painting or drawing tutorials and he’s really good at teaching stuff lmao

CRISTINA ROSALES

omg okay so like yall know those really pretty girls on tiktok who are literal models and are always dropping tips on how to frame your face for pictures and best clothes and poses and whatever  ( @/ameliezilber is the first person that came to mind as an example)

thats her

alot of her content is just for the aesthetic

BLING EFFECT

GRWM’s all the time

10 step skin care routine 

GOOD VIBES

has a pretty decent following?? like at least 2 million

has a spam but it’s exactly the same as her main lol

also calls out problematic tiktokers but not by name

her entire account is full of body positivity and does a bunch of stuff on loving yourself

sometimes does POVs and all the comments are like “@ netflix hire her rn”

sometimes posts crack videos with emma and cute vids with mark and kieran

MARK BLACKTHORN

does a lot of reaction videos and duets

a lot of his videos go viral but he doesn’t have a huge following like maybe 800k

 everyone still knows him

gets at least twenty “are you wearing only one contact” comment about his eyes every post

he’s really funny without even realizing it 

sometimes goes inactive for weeks at a time and just forgets that tiktok exists lmao

shows off kieran and cristina ALL THE MF TIME AND EVERYONE IS SO JEALOUS LIKE HOW ARE ALL OF THEM HOT

KIERAN 

doesnt have a tiktok lmao sorry

but shows up so much on mark’s and cristina’s that a lot of people know who he is

DIANA WRAYBURN

unironically does POVs but is actually good at them??

lots of videos talking about the struggles of minorities like LGBTQ+ and POC and women

posts a lot of those vidoes that are like “what to do if you ever get kidnapped” “red flags in relationships” “most powerful parts of the body” etc

probably has like 500k followers 

at the end of the day she doesn’t really use tiktok that much tho ahaha

LIVVY BLACKTHORN:

does a little bit of everything??

posts dance videos sometimes 

omg her transitions are SO good

everyone is in love with her and she has to remind them that she’s a minor (i’m just a kid plays aggressively in the background)

posts videos that are just vibes?? like her skating at night, dancing in traffic with dru/her friends, walking through the city at night etc

lots of lip syncing videos to whatever sounds are popular and all her comments are like “i wish i looked like this” “guess im not eating today” and she gets so upset :((

she wants everyone to know that they’re perfect the way they are!!

also posts POVs sometimes and she’s not that bad at them ahaha 

probably has like 1 million followers 

doesn’t even need a spam just posts everything on her main 

shouts out her sibilings accounts all the time

overall just great energy

TY BLACKTHORN

never posts his face on his main but he does on his spam

yall know those accounts that post fun facts or psychology facts?? his is like that except he talks to explain them and everyone finds his voice SO calming 

he posts a lot of content of animals and everyone is in AWE with how good he is with them

his username is probably theanimalwhisperer or something djkfskjd

every single time he posts Kit on his account all the comments are like “OOH ICU” and “SHIP” and “ASK HIM OUT ALREADY”

he gives 0 shits about popularity on tiktok he’s just posting for fun because he likes teaching people about his interests

so he has like maybe 500k followers

lots of philosophical questions that has everyone questioning their existence

ugh i love him

KIT HERONDALE

be honest this is what y’all were waiting for 

yall know those unproblematic ppl that everyone refers to as the “king(s) of tiktok”???

yeah thats him

SO FUNNY

LIKE HIS CONTENT IS GENUINELY HILARIOUS

lots of sarcasm and satire

think @/adamkindacool  ?? (one of my favourite tiktokers lmao)

does reaction videos for those “pov: im the annoying hot cheeto girl sitting next to you in math class” videos

dark humor (not like rude humor but actual dark humor)

like “i put the baby in the oven and the pizza in the bed” type of jokes back when those were a thing

has like 4M followers but almost every single one of his posts go viral so he’s gaining fast

lots of pranks

starts a bunch of trends

any video he posts of Mina goes viral

sometimes he posts some really weird stuff that has everyone laughing so hard irl (@/benoftheweek)

he NEVER thirst traps but still gets a lot of those weird sexual fairy comments on his posts (iykyk)

TO BE CLEAR I MEAN THE FAIRY EMOJI ONES NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM BEING FAE 

reacts to the comments with a video of him just staring at the screen with the “oh to see without my eyes” or “im just sixteen” audio going on in the background which only encourages them to make more weird comments

anyways everyone loves him

any of his povs are pure jokes meant to make fun of pov’ers

posts maybe one serious tiktok every 5 months that talks about being respectful and using your platform for good

“i miss old tiktok”

posts a lot of random videos of Ty where, again, all the comments are shipping them except even more so on his account because everyone can see his heart eyes for Ty

collabs with Dru a lot and does a bunch of duets of her videos

everyone loves him bye

DRU BLACKTHORN

SO many memes

she deletes any hate in her comments bc she honestly doesnt care to respond to them and doesn’t need that kind of negativity in her life

but one time she got a “the f in women stands for funny” comment and she WENT OFF

does really dark povs sometimes that are really interesting

CLOWN MAKEUP + SCARY CLOWN TIKTOKS ( think @/avani ‘s clown make up posts

REALLY good at makeup and sometimes gets julian to do scary makeup on her for tiktoks and povs (like those ones with stitches over the mouth or skin peeling off)

huge ally!! posts a lot about minorities struggles and white privilege, and acknowledges hers

does movie reviews and stuff sometimes

“types of” videos

pulls a lot of pranks on her sibilings with livvy and sometimes with Kit

lots of body positivity + self love

calls out back-handed compliments

also has a lot of content like Livvy’s of just vibing in LA

julian and emma and mark go off at anyone who sexualize her in the comments

probably has like 650k followers

posts a couple of times a week

BONUS: 

JAIME ROSALES

lots of skateboarding videos idk he just gives me that vibe

doesn’t post that often but is super popular

like maybe 1.5M followers

really passionate about systematic racism

HATES all those privileged white boys using the “this is america” audio to pretend they’re oppressed ( this is a may 2020 thing so it probably wont make sense to anyone who sees this after lmao)

POSTS A LOT OF THIRST TRAPS LMAO 

also posts lots of videos that’s just him yelling about stuff but they’re really entertaining to watch ( like that guy sebastian @/sauceyogranny)

everyone thinks he’s super hot he always shows up in those “hottest boys on tiktok” videos except sometimes he’s just the token POC boy and it makes him mad :( 

DIEGO ROSALES

HIS ACCOUNT IS SO PRACTICAL LMAO

lots of tips 

“what to do if you’re trapped in the desert” “what to do if you’re kidnapped and stuck in the trunk”

doesnt reply to comments EVER unless it’s to clarify a point he made in the video or answer a question

has like 200k

okay thats it lmao im done bye this took me like an hour to make

i’ll get to all the other characters from the other series’ eventually 

also if yall are wondering abt the lack of f*ckbois in this post they’re coming dw

TMI CHARACTERS AS TYPES OF TIKTOKERS

TID CHARACTERS AS TYPES OF TIKTOKERS 

TLH CHARACTERS AS TYPES OF TIKTOKERS

[jenmyeons]

Favorite Fics 2019

hi hello it’s me your local mess. ok so this hit me on my way to work the other day and since it’s friday i feel like today is a good day to hopefully make someone’s day/night/weekend a little brighter? 

i love reading fanfics. periodt. there are lots of incredible writers out there on this site and other platforms who take time to write beautiful fics about the real people and characters and their emotional support kpop ladies and gentlemen to show their love and appreciation so i want to dedicate this to my favorite fics of this year. these fanfics are of varying lengths and genres but they all have two things in common 1) they were posted this year 2) i love them.

(most of these are exo but i have some other groups sprinkled in there too)

other favorite fics of mine can be found under my fic recs tag!

A Decade of Midnights by @chogi-wae 

queen of noir! grumpy chenneth! sexy detectives! murder mystery! do i even have to say anything else? oh yes! we also get coroner!baekhyun 

ps: jae has a sequel started for this with two parts already having me at the edge of my seat. i love all of jae’s writing but this one takes the cake

Enough by @yeoldontknow

anything kat touches turns golden and holy mother of everything that is self-love and reflection. this is a fic for all us sexy ladies with a body that doesn’t conform to what society has decided is “beautiful”. i can’t call myself plus size in any way but i do not have a flat tummy or legs for days or perky titties. quite the opposite; i’m a short lady with love handles, saggy tits and stomach rolls (yes we’re going tmi here but it’s important ok). park chanyeol is the opposite of that and he’s the best fucking man ever in this fic. he’s a muscle man but he’s a man with the biggest heart and he says “you have a cute butt” which is enough reason for you to read this. when i feel bad about myself, i think about enough and i become a little happier

Empty Vessels 

another yeoldontknow masterpiece! i stand by the statement that this is the best fic i have ever read. probably read this five times already and i think about it almost daily. junmyeon is a witch from salem and that’s only one of the many reasons for you to check this out and hopefully fall in love with it as much as i have. it’ll rip your heart out and stomp on it. dub me professional empty vessels promoter already kat!! 

Dichotomy by @kyungseokie

dia hurts you in the best possible way with this fic. bawl my eyes out every damn time i read this because fucking hell this is emotional investment and hearts broken and everything hurts and this is not your average love triangle where one guy is obviously worse than the other. NO! this can go either way and you just want everyone to be happy and baekhyun needs a hug!

Teacher’s Pet by @suhoerections

teacher junmyeon getting called daddy “threatening” to bend you over his desk and fuck you hard is a lot for a suhoe stan such as myself to think about but i’m not mad, just jorny.

Clouded by @mayrubyy

uhm yes do you want to cry some more? this is an emotional rollercoaster, you have been warned! this fic has great potential and it’s maya’s child and when the next part is posted you know shit will go down and ashjgff i have no words only love for both the author aka my baby and the fic itself🥺💖

Familiar Stranger by @myforeverforlife

love love love love LOVE familiar stranger! a beautiful story about reader losing all memories of the last five years due to an accident which includes her entire life with fiancé kim jongdae. dae is an angel, we all know that, but he’s somehow even more angelic as the most patient person ever in familiar stranger. this hits right in the feels (can you tell i love to read angst ahjdsf) and it’s not your usual wham bam thank you ma’am all-memories-recovered-in-five-seconds kind of situation either and i’m praying for another update of this because this is not just one of the best fics of this year but one of my favorites period.

Sunny Side Up by @dreaminghaos

i love everything fee writes with a burning passion y’all

this fic is everything everything everything!!! i can’t get enough of this fic and i probably never will get enough of it either because i love this pairing and i’m in love with struggling writer!jeonghan 

Magnetic by @softyexo 

did anyone say ceo!myeon? this is a recent love of mine. i read it just the other day and have been thinking about it non-stop since. absolutely in love with oc’s and junmyeon’s dynamic in this one and it feeds all my lovesickness for this man made of pure husband material. thanks for coming to this ted talk.

Hold on to silence by @dropsofletters

amazing! show stopping! incredibly unique! absolutely astonishing! idiots in love! omg i LOVE this one! yixing as chanhun’s manager is everything i didn’t know i needed and holy crap this is such a lovely story please read it and experience the feels™

Neon Moon by @kyungseokie

they were roleplaying! ROLEPLAYING!

Trauma by @baekwell--tart

dad and secret mafia man!byun falls in love with his babysitter after being an absolute asshole to her and oh my god i am so invested in this masterpiece. whenever bella updates trauma i yell. i’ve re-read this many times already and i continue to find new reasons why i love this story with my whole entire being

Mr. Byun

bella once again proving that she writes the most amazing bbh fics. angst and smut combined i swear i was a whole lot worked up with all the spice in this one and then i cried like a baby when it ended. have i told you that i’m a very emotionally stable person?🤡

Bedazzling Heart of Gold by @baekonsforbreakfast

i love this song! baekhyun gets dumped and falls in love with oc who runs one of the biggest hostess bars in all of sk and holy crap you just love everyone in this fic. even that one character who you feel like you should hate but kind of still empathize with on a deeply emotional level. no? just me? ok then. i love you belle and i hope you know how much i enjoy your writing💗

Mr. Muscles by @chogi-wae

short and sweet drabble about oc biting jun’s bicep. no but for real i’ve read this one countless times and i just love a domestic jun so go ahead and read duality and dyson as well because nobody writes cute domestic fluff like jae ilysm

Money Makes Her Smile by @ninibears-erigom

mrs gom has written one of the dirtiest but also loveliest smut series of 2019. jongdae’s part was posted yesterday and holy fuck i have never read better jongdae smut ever i think

Business Before Pleasure by @pcychedelic

actor minseok! i repeat: actor minseok!

they get down and dirty in like the second chapter and i’m in love. not because of the obvious spiciness but because the amazing portrayal of minseok in this fic. love a strong female character? then you will love oc too!

High Voltage by @skyesins

SIN! THIS IS SIN! I LOVED EVERY SINGLE PART OF THIS FIC AND PART TWO IS EVEN BETTER!

there’s also the original ofc version on asian fanfics for those who aren’t into reader inserts and it’s just as good! 

Literally every single aesthetic that @kpop-daze has written but some favorites include exo as broken love / exo as ephemeral tenderness /  exo as fleeting heartbreak 

Unfitting by @heechulhamster

SOLDIER MINSEOK SOLDIER MINSEOK SOLDIER MINSEOK that is all

no wait... this has real descendants of the sun vibes and i love it so much can i have a soldier!xiu por favor

Fire and Frost by @writing-exo-things

queen of drabbles! i love every single one of them but this one is next level™ i cried like a baby this is truly amazing!!!

Take Care by @omyeol 

 g o d i felt this fic on a deeply spiritual and emotional level 

False Hope by @pastel-kpop

i hate you and i love you for writing this it still hurts reading this like YES MAKE ME HURT AYESHA THEY ARE IDIOTS 

Mocha by @stainandscribble  

the whole café series is lovely but mocha and espresso really stuck out to me i’m so soft for the whole aesthetic of these! 

ever imagined that jackson wang is your date to your brother’s wedding? well @softseunies did and it turned out fucking amazing! what i love the most is that it’s very open for interpretation and of course jackson is always a mood when will he be my date and mayhaps potential bf at the wedding of the brother i don’t have?

little forest by @myforeverforlife

I LOVE THIS! DO YOU HEAR ME?! L O V E THIS!

not his to love by @boogerines

can you hear me sobbing? this hurts so much let me go back to crying over this again after i re-read this for the nth time

this blurb right here is adorable @sprinklesofktrash did that!

wild valley by @fairyyeols

wild valley is that bitch™ and that’s all i have to say i live and breathe for this installation of exo customs my favorite, in fact

blossoms in the wind by @marshmallow-phd

don’t @ me but this goblin!au with junmyeon as the goblin and baekhyun as the grim reaper is more intriguing than the drama and that’s saying a lot but i cry with every new chapter ohmygoddddd

wrong number by @yeoldotcom

i’m a hoe for fake texts and zee makes the best ones🥺🥺🥺🥺

also love love love bf!jun in food buddies

break up with me by @exoangst

don’t mind me i’m just crying in a corner as i read this for the millionth time and cry over how well written oc is and how fucking amazing that breakup scene is like has anyone done it like that before? maybe, idk but this is the only one that counts 

[initiare]

BASICS:

Name: Manon, but I’ve gone by the alias of Sae on the internet since I was about 12 or 13. It’s really stuck and caught on so much over the years that it’s as commonly used as Manon is, if not more (both online and offline). Age: 29.  Pronouns: She/her.  Sexuality: Hetero. Zodiac sign: Cancer.  Taken or single: Single.

Four Things About This Blog:

1. Still unsure of how this worked exactly, but I’d decided to make a blog for Jace before I’d ever read (or seen) anything about him directly. A friend of mine had been in the fandom and I’d heard about him through her, enough that I’d peeked at a few basic bits on the wiki. And then one morning I woke up with this intense yet unexplainable urge to make him, this character that I knew next to nothing about. I read the first three books within a week and then I decided to launch him. I’ve never had a muse arise to the occasion quite in this manner, but then again, isn't this Jace we’re talking about? Nothing about him follows the status quo.

2. If I’d picked up the books without ever having heard anything about any character in specific prior to reading, I would’ve still likely found myself drawn to Jace’s character— but I would’ve made a blog for Valentine instead. They both appeal to me for different reasons, but ultimately, I’m very glad that I made Jace and I don’t regret not having made a blog for Valentine for a single instant.

3. I’m an exceedingly opinionated person with very set norms/values and they definitely make their appearance within my OOC posts, and they’re not always popular opinions ‘round these here Tumblr parts by any means. However, I don’t let them influence my perspective when it comes to writing for Jace (or any of my muses). Of course, I may recognize some or many aspects, but I make it an effort and personal challenge to look at everything from as many angles as I can as to obtain the widest picture of any character’s behavior or any situation.

4. Despite them not being in full view as they used to be, my tags have been described as being the ‘arteries’ of my blog(s) and I couldn't possibly agree more. If you don’t read them, you’re easily missing out on 80/90% of my meta’ing. My posts tend to have some coherency to them, some logic, but in my tags you find my incoherency and that’s my heart and my passion. That’s where I’m most alive.

Three Mun Facts:

1. I recognize that I’m incredibly headstrong and it’s both my gift and curse. While it’s gotten me in the occasional trouble because I realize that I’m being too stubborn a bit too late, there have been and are a lot of moments where I’ve used it to my advantage and I profit from it immensely in numerous ways. So while I could condemn it as a flaw, it very much hits the extremes on both ends of the spectrum.

2. I’ve got fire for a heart, I’m not scared of the dark; you’ve never seen it look so easy. Okay, so two days ago, I had a day of massive cleaning. This always goes hand in hand with music playing, I sing and dance (of which I can only successfully do the latter). Youtube went through related videos, it somehow got to One Direction. I used to unfairly hate them on principle because I heard them everywhere and everyone loved them; in the same light, Harry Styles was always the one I disliked the most because he was everyone’s favorite. Since that day, I’ve listened to their non-Zayn stuff a fair bit and it’s catchy, I guess I’m a very late fan. All good. Nobody can drag me doooowwwwn.

3. A lot of my thick skin stems from being able to properly put the right weight to people’s words. And I'm able to do that because I value’s people’s actions infinitely more than I do their words. It’s so very easy to say or type ‘yes’ or ‘no’, but if your actions don’t reflect your state of mind or your statements, then I lose respect. We’re all guilty of falling short of this every now and again, myself included; we’re all human after all, but once or twice doesn’t equal constantly.

EXPERIENCE:

How’d you start: Tumblr back in August of 2012 is when I started in the world of RP’ing. I made Tatia Petrova from TVD (I went by the url herbloodlacedtheirwine). I never really dabbled much into the world of writing before that, except little snippets in early high school as to practice and try to further my English. Platforms you’ve used: Tumblr. Best experience: While the TMI/TSC fandom definitely has its bad apples and I’ve been in fandoms where things were consistently calmer, I do find my best experience to have been here because of specific individuals I’ve met while here. However, my Tumblr experience has overall been really good since my Ezio blog. I had a field day writing him and people seemed to really appreciate my input on his character. Beyond that, his blog was also from which I released my themes and I’ll forever remember all the positive feedback I've gotten on them. Despite this site not easily showing it, there are a lot of people with a heart of gold out there. Worst experience: I’ve never exactly found myself in a really bad situation that I can refer to it as the ‘worst’, as I tend to nip things in the bud but I’m also someone who mentally catalogs things quickly, it’s how I deal with things. That and awarding stuff the weight it deserves and not a shred more— numerous things that I use to generally avoid things from getting very bad or affecting me more than I want them to.

MUSE PREFERENCES:

Original or canon: Canon every time. Favourite face: Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Jamie Campbell Bower, Toby Regbo. Least favorite face: Actors or actresses that play the main protagonists in usually a show, as they tend to become over-used FCs.  Note: I have zero problem with these actresses or actors themselves, I just get tired of seeing everyone use them even outside of canon characters played by them. —To name a few examples in past and present: Nina Dobrev, Ian Somerhalder, Emilia Clarke, Katherine McNamara and Dominic Sherwood.  Multi or single: Running a multi isn't something for me, but I don’t mind writing with them in whatsoever way. Kudos and respect to multi muse blogs for having the mind to be so organized, though. I couldn't do it.

WRITING PREFERENCES:

Plots or memes: Plots, although I enjoy responding to memes on Jace as crack and light type of threads so fit him quite well, they’re a nice change from the immense angst that can be done in threads. Best time to write: I used to think the night, but looking back at threads and timestamps; apparently some of my strongest writing was done in the afternoon or early evening. Problem is, I don’t always have time to write a lot during those times. An issue? Yes, yes it is. Do you like your muse(s):  I rarely make new muses, when I do, there’s a reason. So yes. How long (months/years?): For my current blogs? Jace’s blog was created in November 2017. Francis was made... July 2017 and Ezio in May of 2016. I’ve made no other muses since Ezio and any before him have been permanently archived. Fluff, angst or smut: Angst/fluff, I’ve no interest in smut as it’s written on Tumblr.

Tagged by; @takeseffort tagging; @deusidvult (come on Shae, please make me feel less bad for writing so much by outdoing me), @beastmade, @leuthros, @audacatrix, @edomson, @snakedhand. Who else do I usually tag, uhm, @cainmarked, @xncertainty. Anyone else? Say I tagged you. <3

[shanny-tired]

(OOC) What it Does For Me.

Hey! How’s it going there pal? Still following this blog I see. Sick of Shanaris yet? Tell me what ya’ think of this grumpy old hag in an ask or something, if nothing else to expel some of your own dislike into the open! I’d honestly appreciate it and adore feedback.

Ah-- that ain’t why I’m writing this up though. I’m self-conscious enough as it is. Nah-- writing this up because I just thought I’d give my two-fifths of a nickle on things and stuff. Now it might get a bit TMI as we get further down, but I promise I ain’t gonna be saying what color my underwear is, if any is being worn, or how I almost kicked the bucket. This is all just a winded summary of why I write which most of ya’ probably don’t care much to hear about.

First off, for those that don’t actually know or never bothered to know-- or just don’t really care but would like some insight on the writer themselves: I’m diagnosed with major depression. Eh, so what yeah? Me and half the world, yeah? Yeah, at some times it does feel like so what. Problems are a mile away and things feel like a god damn floppy rainbow I’m riding off into the sunset, or at least a very cushioned wall. We all know how depression can be, yeah? Listlessness, gloomy, broody, isolation from others, reticent qualities, and often times emotional or numb qualities or some such. I ain’t a psychologist! Could be wrong, but that’s how I feel most days.

Alright, now it gets to the TMI part. Feel free to skip this if ya want. Oh-- and warnings on suicide and rape if you’re adverse to reading about that stuff. Look for the bold!

So...yeah! Life is shit and blah blah so forth. I’m young, probably younger than most of the people I know online think of me as. Which is good! I’m honestly flattered when people think of me as older than I truly am. As such, with the youth come times of vulnerability and ignorance and whatnot. Been through some shit man, been through a whole lotta shit that I’d be damn well happy to do without. We all have, yeah? Of course! No one has been through their life without a moment of suffering by their own perspective. Of course, what you may see as a time of suffering is often seen by others as a “Quit being a lil’ bitch you scrub.” moment. Unfortunately I’ve been through those moments. I’ve been deeper than many go and watched Death french kiss me three times over. Weren’t it for cowardice and hesitation, sloppy work or all around listlessness to even off myself? I’d be pretty dead already. If I did manage to get rid of myself, well-- I never wanted to deep-throat decomposers of the animal kingdom. Yeah, I’ve been.. numb a lot in the recent past. So numb that I hadn’t even cared about the shit that lady did to me in Junior year of high school. Or-- was it Senior year? Fuck, I really don’t remember, but it did happen, and it was my first time with anyone really. Last time I go to another chick’s house on the premise of them being my friend, yeah? I won’t touch on that too much though, no one wants to hear about that sorta thing-- not even me. Past few years up until now? Yeah it’s been pretty fucking shitty. Went like... a whole two months without shaving or bathing or washing my hair-- really nasty. No one noticed though. Or maybe no one really cared to look at the kid in college that sits in the front corners of the room to stay close to the teacher and away from the noise. A very... muted scream for help, in my experience. Yeah... it was nasty! I don’t think I’ll ever go into that realm of the pits again-- at least I hope not.

Now, I know we all didn’t come here to read about all this sad depressive shit, least I think so. I hope so! You don’t get off on my misery do you? If ya’ do well that’s.... that’s kinda hot.

I don’t wanna go on and on about my issues, so I’ll try and keep the rest short as I can, yeah? All that shit that happened to me? Tore me from the inside out. Now I ain’t saying I had it worst-- that I am the most miserable person. Nah, none of that. People out there with miles more problems than myself, but everyone reacts differently and is effected by their past whether we wanna be or not. I just... had no idea what to do at the time. So... I took to writing and RP on a playful whim. Someone said they wanted to RP with me on some other-- no through text message! And I was all like “Ah, sure, whatever, how do?”. I got given a crash course and by fuck I loved it. I loved being anything but me-- loved trying to think like someone else entirely. I loved the way it exploded in my imagination that every time I closed my eyes I saw these vibrant images of a multitude of things: sex, death, gore, hand movements, facial expression, tone of voice-- all of it was so... alive. I wanted more, so I sought more. On various different platforms until I got dick deep into the RP community on SWTOR (Star Wars: The Old Republic) back when it still dominantly existed. At the time it was just... a lot of erotic roleplay, because that’s really all there was on that game, yeah? Either you did some erotic shit, or you went and got gored by some Sith or lil’ open skirmish. I did the erotic stuff-- did a hell of a lot of it. Did I get off to it? Nah, it was just amusing and all-around pleasant to just...write in general. Even if a Chiss had to take a Rancor in the face. Fuck-- TMI again, apologies. What I’m trying to say is that RP brought me a whole realm of enjoyment and excitement to my otherwise entirely numb and shitty life that... I made it my escape.

Over the short years it only evolved and grew more complex. What was a severe detachment from my characters became an emotional connection that made me realize how alike I am to the people I write-- especially Shanaris. Maybe that’s why I enjoy writing Shanaris the most: she is more like me than I really realize. It all reached a point where I started to find friends, and eventually went back to World of Warcraft from reasons other than shitposting and ‘roleplaying’ on the Horde Moonguard server. Like-- I was roleplaying before I even really understood what it was and how it made me feel. No-- I went back to find a community that wasn’t dead and dying-- a group of friends that weren’t always down and depressive. A change of environment was needed, yeah? Well, I definitely found it and it’s been little over a year since I did.

All the Roleplay, all the writing, even writing this shitty post has been more helpful than people realize. It all started because one person decided to take a chance and RP with the quiet, idle person standing still in Cathedral square. Everyone and everything that had happened the past year was both extremely shitty and extremely helpful. We all Roleplay for different reasons and often time we need a certain drive to Roleplay. Well, not me. My drive to roleplay is the RP itself. My reasons to write is the writing itself. It helps me escape a reality I often times want nothing to do with. I would like to think this is the healthiest coping mechanism I got: writing-- typing, whatever!

Really, what I wanna say is thanks to all you lovable fuckers-- you know who you are, won’t need to tag you. Y’all been a tremendous help to me and are often times too pleasant to bear. So, do a writer a little favor the next time you’re online and ain’t got much to do? Find someone who is just sitting all by their lonesome and just... talk to them. Lotta times they may just be alone to be alone or soemthing. Other times they might be like me and have a problem initiating things, so they scream in wishful silence hoping someone notices them enough to interact. We never know until we try, yeah? It’s amazing how such simple gestures can help people along just a little bit further.

Again, thanks to you all for reading this, Roleplaying with me, or just being an all-round good person to chat with. Alright, I’ll give the blog back to Shanaris and the memes. Thanks for reading down this far guys! And thanks again for the fun times and future times to come.