#this is like nine paragraphs long? bestie was really in pain over here

[littlelav107]

to elaborate on this:

i never really felt asexual? like i sometimes read spice in fics if yk what i mean, i occasionally make dirty jokes to my friends, but it's always been a joke to me. i only realized i was ace after figuring out to myself that all that spice was fictional and that i never wanted it irl and never will.

moreover, it didn't feel like I was doing something wrong, being ace. our family doesn't usually talk about sex as something to yearn for or something that makes you human, or something that everyone experiences. if anything, they warn me that it's okay to have crushes, but remember to not take it too far and go all relationship mode and jump to sex. to me, it never felt like I was doing anything wrong by not wanting real intercourse.

but the thing is, our family and Filipino culture as a whole always, and I mean ALWAYS talks about romance. usually I'm chill with it! I even enjoy shipping and making jokes about it, and yeah, some love songs are pretty okay. but the thing is-it's. just. everywhere.

I remember being in sixth grade and hearing everyone talk about crushes and relationships. it always seemed so strange to me how simple "he's so handsome" turns to "love". i really didn't understand. and the thing is, I was moving schools after sixth grade (high school starts in 7th grade in the Philippines). it broke me how technically people knew who I was in school, but I didn't have anyone to be close with, because the conversations would just switch to tales about lovelifes. I wrote countless poems crying about how I would never be able to get it. and it felt so conflicting. I knew that crushes weren't equal to romance, and that it shouldn't jump to a relationship instantly, and that I didn't want that. but hell, to this day it hurts to remember that version of me that wanted to belong, me who saw romance as the only way to be relatable.

and when I did move schools? I convinced myself that I wouldn't be normal if I didn't have a crush on anyone. so October happened, and I realized I was wrong, that I was normal and more importantly, *human* even without the desire to be in a romantic relationship. yes, that was the start of my aromantic awakening.

now it doesn't affect me as much, but sometimes it feels so striking how much the pursuit of romance is around me. a few months ago I had to keep up with the romantic happenings in my friend group. currently a different friend occasionally sends me her articles and writings about letting go of a past romance. she's a great writer - but sometimes I need to pause and breathe when I read, simply because I keep reminding myself that I could never relate.

and Filipino culture is just- look. we have pamamanhikan and harana. harana is when a man woos a woman by singing to her, usually with a guitar and his best mates with him. pamamanhikan is when the parents of the couple meet to discuss wedding plans. see why I discovered my aromanticism first? because these parts of our culture weren't focused on sexual attraction. they were on romantic attraction. kids learn about this in elementary. this is part of tradition. and me being unable to understand that? i know that my goal isn't to be like other people, but sometimes it just hits me that this is the kind of different that I don't want. I want to be able to understand the blushy feeling of a harana. I want to be able to understand the buildup to a pamamanhikan. the thing is, I just can't. romantic attraction is real, but it's just not for me, and sometimes I wish it could have been for me.

and as if it wasn't hard enough being exposed to it in school and friends and tradition, even my family (excluding my brother) constantly talks about crushes. apparently, everyone has had a crush at some point. "it's part of growing up. I'll get a crush someday." sometimes they joke about how some guy is 'not for me' in the context of crushes. the more I try to accept my aromanticism, the more I try to steer a conversation away from crushes and stuff like that because it's straight up uncomfortable and I can't explain to them why.

idk i just wanted to get this out there. school is about to start and no doubt I'm going to hear all the "miss ko na siya" ("i miss [-]" ) all over campus. my family will be saying that I have crushes on people again. my friends would be gushing about romance again. im going to be the odd one out again.

i don't know how to end this properly, but in summary: i feel like i discovered my aromantic identity first because it was such a contrast to the romantic norm I grew up up in.

thank you so much for reading if you stayed this long <3

-lav

i feel like i discovered my aromanticism before my asexuality and i think ik why

(might reblog, might delete, who knows)