#this is like 3/4ths of a ship manifesto

[honestlyvan]

Babe, I'm so intrigued by the Crime Slime who would die before breaking character and the Furry Genius who is good at everything he does, tell me more about them

They make me SO UNWELL, BARBIE.

I'll try avoid turning this into an essay on both of them separately (I've done my due diligence introducing both of them over here), but I do need to discuss character and role a little bit, because the way Dendro is explicitly a roleplaying game contributes a lot to the relationship between Shu and Sechs.

Or, well, Dendro can be played as just an action dungeon crawler action game, and there are quite a few key cast members who are "ludo", but because of the intense fidelity of the world of Dendro, most people end up at least somewhat engaged with "the plot" ie. the politics of the world, even as just the backdrop for the game. Neither Shu nor Sechs are that hardcore, but both of their actions make more sense "in-character" than they do out of it. Shu Starling (as compared to Shuichi Mukudori) and Sechs Würfel (as compared to his unnamed player) are in conflict because of the context of the world surrounding them, and their roles in the story.

So, what are those roles? Shu, obviously, is one of the Big Three of Altar, one of their most powerful and decorated. All told, he seems like a bit of a wild card, genuinely just playing Dendro for fun, and emphasises the for-fun nature of his playing when discussing the game with other Masters. Altogether, Shu really seems to be playing Dendro as a form of light escapism, another go at a "normal" life -- he jokes about being shy, and before the beginning of the story, had in fact been extremely well hiding the identity of King of Destruction from the broader playerbase, not wanting to deal with the hassle of being chased around by challengers.

He's "a hero", yes, technically, but honestly it very much seems like Shu himself doesn't seem to really care for that designation, and is consistent about how he only really does things he wants to, and is largely unconcerned about what his reputation is like. And despite that, he's ended up involved in damn near every big incident in the kingdom since he began playing, being ultimately the kind of good-natured and kind person who doesn't like leaving people in a lurch if he can do something to help them.

Because despite being fate's favourite middle child, Shuichi Mukudori is... kind of just a dude? Like, he's a rich NEET who pretty much just exercises and plays video games and doesn't seem to have any greater aspirations than to have a good time -- frustrating his parents, sure, but not really causing trouble for anyone. At worst, Shu is a bit of a sneaky shithead, and seems to have some resistance towards being relied on by other people, but it never rises to the level of refusing to help out of spite, and his strong sense of ethics and general kindness are clearly very typical for him, as we see his little brother Reiji being largely unfazed by Shu's big-dealness, sort of shrugging and going "yeah, what I expected from you, bro"

In fact, I feel like Ray's generally high self-esteem further speaks well of Shu. He's attentive without ever being overprotective, and their shared disposition towards never allowing their doubts to stop them from trying being something Ray explicitly learned from Shu. Shu portrays himself as more avoidant and passive than he actually is, even his discomfort with people explicitly relying on him, to me, reads more as trying to avoid having a cooling effect on other people's efforts. He doesn't like complacency, in himself or in other people, and in general tends towards cultivating strong, positive relationships with everyone he interacts with. He is, for all he can be a bit opaque, generally in a good place in his life.

Sechs, in contrast, uh. Very much isn't. He is essentially a hostage of his own family -- adopted in to literally replace and take on the identity of their dead eldest son, and isolated from the outside world until he manages to either convincingly pass as that son, or maybe just until the family finds a wife for him to have an heir with. Even before going through a stranger literally dying to give him the life he's currently living, he didn't have many prospects, and as a result doesn't feel any greater attachment to his previous or his current identity, pretty much just seeing himself as a piece of meat for other people to use for their aspirations. It's very bleak, and it has understandably had a crushing effect on his sense of self-worth.

And while Sechs didn't really have a solid reason to roll a villain character, basically deciding on a whim to play one, his ability to choose and to pursue actions congruent with that choice is some of the only freedom he has had in his life. "Sechs Würfel" is the only identity he's ever had that is self-authored, the only thing he truly believes belongs to him. Problem is, he's so bad at figuring out what to actually do with the agency and freedom this new identity grants him that he hard-commits into the mechanical validation the game system gives him, so pretty much the only things that matter for Sechs are the "sins" he commits -- everything else, everything that demonstrates that he is, honestly, a bit sideways but ultimately good-natured, is relegated to non-actions that bear no relation to his "self".

Let me reiterate for clarity -- Sechs is neither a sadist nor a sociopath. My distinct impression is that just like Shu, he has a very strong innate sense of right and wrong, but any ability for him to express or act on that sense of right and wrong has been systematically abused out of him. In fact, it's a little unlucky how well "villainy" works out for Sechs -- he can make his decisions based, essentially, on inverse utilitarianism, looking to cause the maximum amount of harm to the maximum amount of people, and thus avoiding any cognitive dissonance between his moral intuition and his professed reasoning, letting him suspend the need to self-examine about why he's doing anything indefinitely.

Sechs even argues that being a villain makes it easier for him to be friends with "someone like" Shu, because it allows him to essentially reconfigure his morality on the fly to rules-lawyer opportunities for him to work with Shu towards a common goal. But deciding to live a life in Dendro where everything he does either takes things by force or cheat others out of them doesn't leave any space for him to just... have relationships, to be non-transactional or to show kindness back when its shown to him, without "breaking character", without wasting his opportunity for self-expression. It's the only language he speaks, so to speak.

(And incredibly luckily for Sechs, as far as the game is concerned, the only people he can "sin" against in a mechanically demonstrable way are tians -- because crimes against Masters don't count, he never has incentives to hurt any real people. After all, as far as anyone knows the tians are just extremely advanced AI NPCs... right? )

So, we have Shu who is characterised by his refusal to limit himself, using his personal freedom strictly within the limits of his own ethics, and we have Sechs who is almost entirely defined by his limitations, using other people's ethics as scaffolding to explore his personal freedom. It makes perfect sense for Sechs to literally never shut up about Shu, to be absolutely obsessed with a kind of wholeness of identity Sechs desperately desires for himself, too, to admire him and to feel envious and to be literally attracted to him like a wilting flower turning to the sun. Shu is the strongest possible scaffold for Sechs to measure his own actions against.

They really are well-matched... and they are diametrically opposed within the diegesis of the game world because of the roles their behaviour has created for them within the narrative of Dendro. Which, y'know, works great for Sechs who honestly probably needs to adhere to his prescribed identity, who is still just learning what to do with all of the freedom he's been denied all his life, and sucks for Shu, who really did not sign up to have a damn archenemy and really, truly, just wants to have fun.

And the situation is not helped by the fact that Sechs high-key doesn't know what the fuck he's feeling about Shu, either. The vibe is very "I don't know how to flirt with him, so he has to die". Sechs' concept of Shu as a person is an extension of the narrative role he has within their interactions with each other, as a challenge to be overcome, as the hero to strike down. And in the process, Sechs either loses sight or never realises in the first place that Shu just.... isn't playing a character and just is like that because he is like that.

Except... Shu is playing a character. Shu Starling is literally a character played by Shuichi Mukudori.

So, like. Shu clearly gets it, but he's not happy about it. I am extremely emotionally compromised about the circumstances around their duel in general, but one of the most striking things about it is how hurt Shu seems over the whole thing. Like, he's holding both of those feelings in his head at once, both embracing Sechs' telling of the story and his place in it (he literally calls the letter of challenge a "love letter") and also being frustrated because he thought he'd made it clear that whatever it is that is between them was something different.

Because the character he is playing, the level he is meeting Sechs at isn't Shu Starling, King of Destruction. It's also Shu Starling, ascended joke character, Shu Starling, excellent cook, Shu Starling, professional slacker. He's in a similar position as Sechs, he's performing an identity that he is not able to embody in real life where he's marked by his fame and talent. And at the time of their duel, Sechs clearly wasn't able to meet him on that level, as two people playing a game together, within a shared narrative, and Shu gets that and he's so annoyed by it, because he wants them to be friends.

Unlike Sechs, whose isolation is clear and unambigous in the text, Shu's isolation from having a normal life is more in the subtext. And unlike Sechs, who has to deal with his mental dissonance and whose struggle to live as a whole entire person within his assumed identity is front and center, Shu's needs are backgrounded, and he's not telling on himself.

It's so easy to read almost a tone of betrayal to the way their duel in volume 18 plays out, except Shu is explicit about the fact that he likes Sechs. You can practically feel the fond aggravation of Shu going "I'm right here, dummy, you can just ask" when Sechs is talking about struggling to understand him. Shu, truly, wants to see him again, and wants him to... get better. Become happier. Find himself, so he can actually meet Shu where he's at.

The chemistry these two have is frankly incredible. Sechs, already, is set up for an incredibly compelling journey of self-discovery through the power of having friends for once in his life, but I was a fan of Shu first, and thus I am completely weak in the face of someone seeing right through him, not understanding what they see, and Shu liking them enough to actually bother explaining himself.

I love a villain who is obsessed with their own villainy in contrast with the hero, I was pretty much always gonna be extremely unhinged about Sechs' very blatant crush on Shu, but the flavour is really contained in how flatly unintimidated by Sechs' obsession Shu is, how much he likes him despite that and even, maybe, because deep down Shu also just wants to be known and seen. Sometimes the stranger who only knows us through our roles knows us better than anyone else.

[izzyizumi]

DigiAdvs AMV ~ “Forget About Love” featuring Duo/Pair: Koushiro(u) Izumi x Taichi Yagami {KouTai}/{TaiKou}/{Taishiro[u]} Music from : A.l.a.d.d.i.n - The Return of Jafar Finished around 3:15 A.M. on 2-14-22 (originally started on 2-13-22)

Original Posters [Mine] Commentary: (Please excuse the random preview shot; it does kind of capture the exact feeling Taichi has throughout this A.M.V. on his face tHO)- {in that specific shot of Taichi anyway}

* Uses various moments of (mainly) Koushiro (w/some Tri!Koushiro), (also) Taichi, Tri!Taichi; + (some moments involving both from the Tri stage-play!); and mainly also Adv & 02 for major segments (+Our War Game!)Koushiro; Taichi; & Taishiro[u] aside from those and moments from: Adv + 02; (various Koushiro, Taichi & Taishiro moments) Tri; (Saikai [Movie 1] & Kokuhaku [Movie 3] Taishiro-relevant moments); + some Taichi (non-spoilery, more just because it fits the lyric) & Taishiro moments from Kyousei [Movie 5] - some Taichi moments from a significant final moment of Tri Movie #6 {without full spoilery contexts or other chara involved} Kizuna; (Koushiro and Taishiro-significant moment from final battle); + Koushiro from the ending credits; 2020 reboot (Eps 01 + 03 Taishiro moments; & 36 - 2020!Koushiro mainly) - also a few small shots of both from the 4th 2020 ending theme - the biggest spoilers are probably Koushiro-relevant moments from Kizuna.

(More details & Commentary + Lyrics under the ‘read more’!)

So there's a funny conversation / pattern that tends to happen around Valentines Day with me, and fans who are unfamiliar with my works, like so -

”Oh, you’re a ‘creator’ for {insert Fan-fav ships here} too!!” ”...Yes, though-” “Have any Valentines / ship-themed fan-works to share today??”

mE: UuuhhhHHH- {insert Koushiro-esque reaction}: (Also made by me pls dont steal):

So yes if you were expecting ultra-cutesy romantic fluff from me, specifically, (of basically any ship you might have expected) today this silly A.M.V. of my ~rarepair~ TM ship is all you're gonna get.

(It's kind of meant as overall fluff {if with touches of angst} but mAYBE not exactly the kind of fluff you were maybe expecting!)

* AKA, this is fully intended as to be viewed as a “crack” work * Despite this, a scary number of canon-compliant implied scenes and their personality traits fit the lines of this song almost scarily well * I can’t believe it actually fits them + Koushiro THIS well * So yeah, this ...turned into a mini-Koushiro & KouTai manifesto?? * Even this A.M.V. took me the span of 2 days to make (be KIND)

{Lyrics Preview}

Forget about THAT GUY! Forget about the way you fell into his eyes Forget about his “charms”! Forget about the way he “held” you in his arms Walking on air's - obnoxious, The “THRILL”, the chill ...Will make you nauseous (And you'll never get enough)... JUST FORGET about "Love"!

I CAN'T FORGET about my heart (I can't forget about my heart) (And how it felt) To fall for you (right from the start) I'm STILL Falling WHATEVER we may do (Whatever we may do...) You ARE HERE for me, And I'LL be there for YOU... I'll be there -

To WISH, to WANT, to WANDER... To FIND THE SUN Through RAIN and Thunder

A “cozy” “rendezvous” (Yes, please!) "Candlelight for two?" (Oh, geez!) Enough is enough!

(We can't)[?] (JUST!!) Forget about Love!

{LIKES/COMMENTS Ok/Preferred} [Please be respectful if interacting / re-blogging] (I block people who break my interaction rules) {see below}

[josefavomjaaga]

Helfert, Joachim Murat, Chapter 6, Part 4

Sorry as usual for the long delay. I really had to finish some other work. When we left off, Murat was still in Corsica, planning his landing on Neapolitan soil.

In Ajaccio, Murat's imminent arrival was soon known, and on the 23rd, when he made his entrance, a reception awaited him that sealed his doom. For now he was drunk from joy and a feeling of victory. His pride, his ambition, together with his adventurous, extravagant imagination, won over him to such an extent that he remained completely deaf to calm ideas, to rational arguments. "This is how my Neapolitans received me," he exclaimed to Franceschetti in the evening, "whenever I returned from the field to their midst!" And after a while: "Yes, so be it! I will live or die among my people! I want to go to Naples, let us not miss a moment to be there!" To make the measure of his delusion complete, a letter from Count Borgia of Rome, sent to him via Porto-Longone, came into his hands in these days, describing the mood in Naples as immensely favourable to him, and King Ferdinand as hated everywhere. Lambruschini, who could teach him otherwise, was, as we know, not even in Naples at that time, let alone that any news had arrived from him, which, incidentally, in the mood in which Murat now found himself, would hardly have changed his decision.

The next few days were spent preparing for departure. As a side piece to the Bogognano Manifesto, he now had a "royal decree" drawn up which could almost be called Napoleonic, so much thought was given in it to the most insignificant details. The constitution is to come into force on 1 January 1816, and the convocation of the chambers is to be initiated without delay" (Art. 1). "All civil servants, officers and dignitaries discharged since May 21 shall immediately resume their official positions; the former division of the army shall be restored; all grades, all allocations, all promotions, honours and rewards made during the last campaign shall remain in force (Art. 2, 8, 10). On the other hand, all those appointed since that day shall immediately leave their posts, otherwise they will be declared rebels, inciters of civil war, traitors to the fatherland, put outside the law and treated as such (Art. 3, 4). Neither the royal palaces, summer residences and estates were forgotten, for which the former court servants would once again have to take care, nor the king's horses, equipages and carriages, for which the chief stable master and his staff were made responsible (Art. 13, 14). "All our adjutants and orderly officers must appear without delay at Our Headquarters and rally around Our person" (Art. 18). . . The decree, consisting of 20 articles, was calculated to 36. It provided for the composition of the ministry, for the filling of the leading military posts in the capital and in the provinces. But because it was pointed out to the "King" that a premature appointment of these personalities, most of whom were in Naples, would only expose them to Ferdinand's revenge, Murat agreed to the relevant articles being suppressed. The decree and the manifesto were then sent to the printers at Ajaccio, in order to have a sufficient number of copies of both at hand at the first moment. The place and date of execution were left open; both headings were to be filled in as soon as they were in place.

On 28 September, everything was ready for departure. The desired vehicles were prepared and equipped as needed: there were five trabacoli and one felucca, larger barques (gondoloni), as the Barbaresks used them for their raids; the crew to be embarked, officers, soldiers and seamen, numbered about 250. Immediately before embarkation, the "King" promoted all officers by one rank each and awarded the Order of Both Sicilies to those who were not yet decorated with it. The relevant decrees were written in all royal chancery style, so that the clerks available in Ajaccio had to be diligent enough in their work.

Joachim entrusted the supreme command of the flotilla to the frigate Captain Barbara, a Maltese by birth, who had been given the baronate by Murat.

On 25 September, Colonel Maceroni had arrived in the port of Bastia, from where, after learning that Murat had departed from Vescovato, he had telegraphed his imminent arrival in Ajaccio. At noon on the 28th, he arrived in the capital of Corsica and went to Joachim without delay to inform him of the conditions of the Great Powers, to hand over the travel documents for the journey to Trieste and to enclose his most urgent ideas not to reject the offer made to him out of hand. At the same time, the British Captain Bastard, who had long ago arrived in the port of Bastia with the frigate Mäander and two sloops of cannon, offered to take the ex-king across the sea. But it was impossible to have a sensible word with him. If the Corsicans, for whom he had never done anything, had welcomed him so enthusiastically, would this be less the case in Naples, which he had showered with benefits as king? And should he abandon the hundreds who had now joined him to the revenge of the French government? And if his enterprise failed, what could happen to him? That his person should be secured and that he should be kept in some remote place like his brother-in-law! - When his faithful congratulated him on the unexpected salvation opened up to him by the offer of Emperor Franz, he exclaimed: "Of course, I will go to Austria, so that one morning I may be found strangled in the bosom of my family! I would rather go to Constantinople! But no, even there I would be killed!" Nevertheless, he wrote a letter to Maceroni in which he did not necessarily reject the proposal of the allied powers, but reserving the right to consider it as soon as he would be with his family. He explained that he had to decline Bastard's invitation because it had been made in an improper manner: "une sommation trop peu mesurée"; no doubt the captain had addressed him simply as "Marshal Murat".

Carabelli also arrived in Ajaccio that day and had a conversation with the ex-king, without achieving anything other than encouraging the ill-fated man in his intentions.

Helfert comments on the arrival of the Neapolitan Carabelli in a footnote with reference to two other reports:

Franceschetti p. 39-41 and Colletta-Gallois p. 30 f. present the matter as if the Neapolitan government had sent Ignazio Carabelli, who is supposed to have joined his brother Simone after his arrival in Corsica, in order to play the agent provocateur with Murat and lure him to Naples. This is not only contradicted by Ricciardi's explicit testimony, but also by the entire situation and mood at the Court of Naples, where Murat's ventures were feared, not desired. It is downright nonsensical when Colletta-Gallois add the remark: "Ainsi on était informé à Naples de tout ce qui se passait en Corse". Was there an undersea telegraph at that time? Lambruschini, who certainly hurried to bring his well-meant warnings to the ex-king, needed seven days from Rome to Bastia, 6 to 12 October, and Ignaz Carabelli was certainly not sent by Minister Medici before mid-September, probably only after the 18th, when Jablonovski had his conversation with the king. Now Carabelli, who no doubt had a government ship at his disposal, may have managed his passage to Bastia more quickly than Lambruschini; but from Bastia he still had the arduous land route or the circumnavigation of Cape Bianco in the north or Cape Bonifazio in the south - Maceroni had taken a full three days from Bastia to Ajaccio!  - so that he certainly did not meet Murat before the 28th, which is also consistent with explicit witness statements. And then one should have been informed in Naples "de tout ce qui se passait en Corse"!

The text continues:

Before midnight Murat wrote a second long letter to Maceroni, in which there was no longer any question of yielding: "I will never accept the conditions which you have been instructed to impose on me; for me they are nakedly and simply tantamount to an abdication, for which I am offered the sole advantage of being allowed to live in perpetual slavery and under the arbitrary control of a despotic government. I have not abdicated, I have the right to reclaim my crown if God gives me the strength and the means to do so! I place freedom above all else; captivity is death to me. What treatment have I to expect from these powers who made me spend two months under the daggers of the assassins of Marseilles! I have laid down my life a thousand times in battle for the fatherland: shall I not be allowed to lay it down once for my own interest?"

Immediately afterwards, he went to the ships, the anchors were lifted and they set out into the open sea. The citadel of Ajaccio, whose crew had not dared to take any action against the Muratists, sent a few live rounds after the flotilla, which, however, did no damage because the flotilla was already out of range. The sky was clear, the sea calm. But on the 29th a storm came up and the small squadron had to drop anchor on the 30th at the deserted island of Tavolara, on the north-east coast of Sardinia. On 1 October, they set sail again and on the 4th were so close to the coast of Naples that they could see Vesuvius. The ex-king's mad plan of taking Ferdinand by surprise in Portici now flashed through his mind again, but he let himself be talked out of it and they steered south towards Calabria. On the 6th Paola was in sight. Efforts were made to anchor: a storm arose and four of the ships were driven far out to sea, only the felucca of Battalion Commander Courrand remained near the vessel carrying the "King". On the 7th they waited for the others to return; when they did not show themselves, a landing was nevertheless to be attempted. A muleteer and one of Joachim's old guard came along the way and Major Ottaviani was disembarked to question them. Their answers did not inspire confidence; they also attracted the attention of the beach guard, from whom two blind shots were fired, demanding obedience. Ottaviani was again put ashore, then two sailors and Baron Barbara, who identified themselves to the local authorities as "Frenchmen on a journey to Tunis"; for Barbara had provided himself with passports to that effect in Corsica. Nevertheless, the officials became suspicious and detained Ottaviani and one of the sailors; only the other sailor and Barbara were released. Murat did not want to abandon his men, but in the end he followed prudent considerations and set sail for Amantea and then even further south.

Courrand's behaviour now became so suspicious that Captain Pernice and Lieutenant Moltedo, who were on his ship, insisted on being transferred to Barbara's barque; indeed, Courrand disappeared with his vessel the following night and was never seen again. Murat had only one ship left, and now for the first time pusillanimity came over him. He had only a handful of men with him; he saw that his enterprise would be foolhardy. He ordered Galvani to throw the copies of the manifesto and the decree into the sea and decided to sail to Trieste in order to make use of the offer of the Emperor of Austria and of his passport, which he had prudently kept with him. But for this they needed money, food and above all a larger ship. They were near Pizzo and Murat wanted to disembark here in order to procure what they needed. Barbara objected to this plan, an exchange of words ensued, Murat became passionate, and all his good intentions were blown out of the water. The ideas of the more superior, and the entreaties of his faithful valet not to run to his ruin, did not succeed: he, the "king," commanded, and the others had to obey. "I have only done good to the Neapolitans," he cried, "they cannot have forgotten me, they will hasten to my aid!"

The barge struck the shore, the officers were eager to jump out of the ship, but Murat refused them: "It is for me to be the first to set foot on the soil of my kingdom." And with that he was ashore. He had enough deliberation left to order Captain Barbara to lead his ship into a sheltered bay close by to be ready for any eventuality. It was on the 8th of October, a Sunday, between 11 and 12 o'clock in the morning.

[jemariel]

Sherlock, Supernatural, and How I Am Trying to Take Shipping Less Seriously

I want to tell my story. 

(tl;dr: I have a lot more fun with shipping when I don’t worry about whether or not it will ever be canon. OR: Never put that much faith in the hands of showrunners. It always ends BAD.gif)

I wrote most of this post months ago and it’s been rotting away in my drafts since maybe March? It seemed like a good time to actually post it. This is my own personal perspective, where I’m coming from on this. Obviously everyone’s feelings and opinions are 100% their own and I respect that. We’re all coming from somewhere.

Soooo. I’ve been lurking in various fandoms for a long time. I started in 2001, when I was 14. I’ve seen a lot of changes in fandom and the internet and how we interact with our favorite media. Now seemed like a good time for me to sort through this.

My first OTP was in Highlander. It was, for all intents and purposes, a dead fandom when I arrived. The show had been cancelled 5 years before I even discovered that other people wrote and posted their fanfiction, and one half of my pairing was dead for the final series. The pair I read about maybe shared half an hour of screen time through the whole three seasons they were both in the show? They had very little plot interaction at least.

I didn’t care. It didn’t stop me from reading about them. Didn’t stop me from wanting to put them in the same room and see what happened – usually them getting on like a house on fire.

The point is that we were under absolutely no impression that they would ever become canon. There was literally no possibility for it. But that didn’t matter. We could do what we wanted. We were just having fun.

After Highlander came Harry Potter. Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. I don’t remember if I started shipping them before or after the 4th book but it was definitely long before the 5th book. This was the first time I had the inkling that maybe, possibly, JK Rowling might have actually intended them to be read that way. This is where I read my first meta, before it was called that – someone who went through the books and pulled out excerpts that made a person think. Wow that eye contact really did linger, I thought. Maybe that embrace wasn’t strictly brotherly, I said to myself.

At the time, queerbaiting was not even a word in the vernacular. So when the 6th book came out and Tonks and Remus became the most eyebrow-raising pairing I’ve ever encountered, I just shrugged and went on with my life. Sirius was dead anyway so this really changed nothing. I liked Remus the gay uncle werewolf, but bisexual was fine too. I mostly wrote and read about them during their school days anyway. So this was fine.

Eventually I moved on, and where I landed after that was in the grand daddy of all slash pairings, the first fandom in our current fanfiction zeitgeist: Star Trek, the Original Series. Kirk and Spock. This was still a couple of years before the 2009 reboot movies, so all I had was a cheesy 60s TV show with a venerable back catalogue of fanfic. What’s better, this ship could never be sunk! Of course they couldn’t ever be canon, it was the 60s. Times were different. I could ship them with fervor and never be disappointed because of course it was just our interpretation. … Wasn’t it?

Oh, Gene Roddenberry. You idealistic sonuvabitch. You created the Vulcan word “t’hy’la” specifically for Spock to use for Kirk, and you made it mean friend, brother, and lover? Was that really necessary or were you trying to tell us something?

Here I found more fledgling meta, and I went through the novelizations of the movies with a highlighter devouring every piece of evidence I could find. But while this ship was unsinkable, it would also never fly. Even if Roddenberry had intended this, or supported it after the fact, prejudice surely had kept his intentions in the background. Subtext was our friend. We could work with subtext. The subtext wove a gay love story the likes of which we haven’t seen since the ancient Greeks. I was happy with that.

But then.

2010. Sherlock.

I knew going into it that Holmes and Watson were the greatest love story never told. I figured it would be a fun pairing for a while. But oh. I was not prepared. And oh, be still my beating heart, the Angelo’s scene! If I recall correctly I actually sat up straighter in my chair at “so you’ve got a boyfriend then”/”No.” Could they… could he? Did they actually…? Was this written for… me? For us? Could we, the weird little corner of the fandom be right for once?? The slash shippers, the queer kids, the ones who had been peering between the lines for decades to try and catch glimpses of ourselves in our favorite stories?

I buried the thought for a few years, devouring Johnlock fanfic like it was my job, my civic duty, my vocation. I waited patiently for each new series. But I never actually expected anything to come of my hopes until after season 3.

Bet you guessed it. TJLC had caught me like a spark in dry grass. The few analyses I’d read before were NOTHING compared to this. Suddenly it all seemed so possible. So real. After The Abominable Bride it seemed like there was nowhere else to go, nowhere to go but up. We were right. WE WERE RIGHT! For a whole year, we got to relish the thought that it might actually happen.

…………….. Season 4 was… tough. It felt like a slap in the face, all of our hopes thrown back at us with ignorance at best, cruelty and direct malice at worst. If it had been a good season on its own without canon Johnlock I might have been okay, but as it is….. It was not the first time I’ve had my heart broken by a TV show, and probably only seems like the worst by virtue of being recent. But I would very much like it to be the last.

A few months before diving head-first into the pre season-4 gear-up, I watched a few seasons of Supernatural. Just enough to meet Castiel and lay the groundwork for a Destiel obsession as a contingency plan for if season 4 of Sherlock went all pear shaped. I’m glad I did or I don’t know where I would have found my refuge.

But I started to notice something. From my earliest wading in the Destiel end of the tumblr pond, I shied away quickly from any discussion of evidence, subtextual clues used to make predictions, or whether or not Destiel could or should or will be canon. I still take all meta and spec I read with a healthy pinch of salt. I am trying very hard not to care about whether or not it becomes canon, because honestly? I miss the days when whether or not a ship was canon or had a snowball’s chance of ever becoming so had absolutely nothing to do with whether or not I shipped it.

Fandom is just one of many echo chambers that the internet has molded around every one of us. It is so easy to become convinced that our way is right and everyone else’s way is wrong, because we only hear our own voices and those of people we agree with reflected back at us.

We are not the arbiters of what happens in canon. The showrunners are NOT obligated to listen to us. Not everyone can be right, and the showrunners cannot listen to everyone. Nor should they. They are, for better or for worse, creating their own story. Not ours.

We can always write the story the way we want to, over and over in countless different ways. These days I see a show almost more as a set of toys to play with than as its own impermeable whole. I can believe that Dean and Castiel have been slowly falling in love over the course of the last decade. I can decide when and where I want them to have first admitted it, to themselves or each other. What’s more – I can change my mind. Some days I like believing that they’ve been together since Cas’s hand print was still fresh on Dean’s shoulder. Some days I’d rather believe that they’re still pining and in various states of denial. Or anything in between – it’s all equally valid. Once it’s said and stated in canon, that’s it. That’s the show. That’s how it happened. I like the freedom I have when my ship is not explicitly canon. The best is when they are clearly aware of it and give us moments like the mixtape or the Fanfiction Gap of 9x06 – new toys to play with – but let us shape what’s actually going on. As I say in my tags sometimes: They clearly love us and want us to have nice things.

All of this is NOT to say that up-and-coming queer kids do not richly need and deserve representation. God, not at all. I beat myself up about this a lot, for what feels like a terribly selfish desire to just enjoy it and not worry about whether or not the up and coming queer youth could have it better than I did. They can and they should and I still believe that season 4 of Sherlock was the biggest missed opportunity in queer cinema history.

I just can’t take it so personally anymore. For the sake of my favorite hobby, I cannot stake my enjoyment of a pairing and a show on whether or not the showrunners want to take the risk. I cannot let them dangle me on that particular string. I cannot give them that power over me. 

So this is my manifesto, for me personally. If Destiel becomes canon? I will be over the moon. But I will not go hunting for it. I won’t expect it. I will cherish every gift that the showrunners give to us because they’re not obligated to give us a damn thing, so I can’t take what they do give us for granted. I will live my headcanons, write my fics, and I will love the show for what it is, warts and all. I will ship my ship, enthusiastically and with my whole heart, because it brings me joy to do so. Canon or no canon. @starsinursa @daughter-of-the-rain-and-snow

[clichesadmusic]

It Doesn’t Care

Summary:Jugheads life had been slowly falling apart for as long as he could remember, but it all really went downhill one July 4th.

Trigger Warning: Self Harm,  Physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Sexual Abuse,  Alcoholism,  Drugs,  Attempted Suicide.

Ship(s): Jarchie, maybe Beronica

Part 1|Part 2|Part 3|Part 4|Part 5|Part 6|Part 7|Part 8|Part 9|Part 10

Archie Andrews, First Year Musician.....And of Being a Huge Dick

~

Pro-tip, don’t fail at killing yourself in your room if you don’t want dried blood everywhere because cleaning it out is the worst.

That was how Jughead had spent his day, cleaning his failure from his house. ‘Can’t even kill myself right,’ he thought bitterly as he scrubbed at the carpet with an extra flannel that had gotten too big for him. Jughead knew he should be worried about that because just 2 months ago it had fit him perfectly but he couldn't bring himself to care that much. Instead, he grabbed one of the last things from his old life that he still had, his phone and headphone, placed the headphones over his ears and blasted the music as loud as it would go. He groaned as the most cliche song possible started playing, Boulevard of Broken Dream but as had become the usual, he didn’t care enough to change it.

Throughout the rest of the weekend, Jughead didn’t leave the drive in, he spent his day's cleaning and his night staring at the ceiling wishing the world would stop for just one second so he could get his life together. But such was the theme was his life, the world would not stop for him because it just didn’t care about a boy born on the wrong side of the tracks.

Monday came with a strange amount of courage thrumming through his veins, so when he got to school he walked straight up to Archie Andrews and started talking as if nothing had happened over the summer.

“Hey,” he called as he got close. “Do you think I could use Jason’s death to get out of PE? ‘Sorry, Coach, I’m just too depressed and freaked out right now to do pull-ups’. Which wasn’t a lie but it wasn’t the whole truth.

“Don’t joke about Jason Blossom,” Archie said, obviously annoyed.

Jughead was confused, had it only taken two months for Archie to forget how Jughead dealt with tragedy. “What? Sardonic humour is just my way of relating to the world.” Archie looked away wearing the particular face he had when he wanted to get mad at someone but couldn’t because he’s too nice for that. Jughead scoffed as he saw Reggie and his crew walking down the hallways. “Look, it’s the rich kids from The Goonies. Alright, I’m out.” With that, he walked away from Archie and down the corridor.

Part way down he bumped into Reggie. “Watch it, Wednesday Addams,” the jock snarked as Jughead just kept walking absentmindedly scratching at his arm where the cuts crisscrossed as he went.

~*~

Just when he thought nothing else could go wrong, life threw another curve ball at him. After Mr Weatherbee’s announcement, he was just walking around the school when he saw Archie in the music room. He peered through the window and what he saw made him want to puke. Archie and Mr, Grundy were...god he couldn’t even think about it, they were kissing. So this is why Archie had skipped out on him during the summer. Jughead knew the ginger would never love him the way he did, but he never thought seeing him with another person would hurt like this and he all but sprinted out of the school. He barely made it outside before the vomit climbed up his throat, puking the little food he had eaten into the bushes beside the school. It was then he decided he had to do something, this relationship would destroy Archie in the end and no matter how much Archie may hate him, he would never let anything bad happen if he could help it.

~*~

Jughead waited on Archie's porch for him to get home, planning out everything he would say as to hurt the other boy as little as possible. He perked up as he heard the ginger speak. “Jug. What’s up?” Oh, how Jughead had missed the nicknames, something so small but so important.

“What’s up is I saw you, Archie,” Jughead exclaimed standing up and moving towards his former best friend. ���In the music room. With Ms Grundy.”

Archie moved closer, closing the distance between the two boys and responded frantically. “Keep your voice down, my dad’s inside.”

“I’m trying to help you,” Jughead replied, exasperated. “Dude. I’m trying to be your friend here. Even though we’re not anymore. How long?” He paused. “You and Grundy?”

“Since the summer,” Archie replied before looking off into the distance as if what he was about to admit was the biggest secret he had ever told. “I like her.”

Jughead scoffed, so he was right, this lady had taken precedence over him this summer. “So I’m guessing she's the reason you’ve been acting weird since summer?”

“One of them,” Archie said cryptically.

“‘One of them,’ there's more?” Maybe there was a real reason Archie had abandoned him, one that mattered.

“We were at Sweetwater River on July 4th,” Oh, so he was right, he ditched their road trip plans for a girl. “We heard a gunshot, the gunshot.”

“Dude, you have to tell somebody,” Jughead called.

“I can’t. Neither can you. If people find out about Grundy…”

“A kid is dead Archie,” Jughead cried at the other. “And you’re worried about...some cougar?”

“Don’t call her that,” Archie defended. “Okay, she’s not like that, she cares about me.”

“Stab in the dark,” Jughead shrugged, exasperated. “I’m guessing she cares more about herself. She’s the one who told you not to say anything, right? Look, I saw you guys. She’s messing with you, man. And she’s messing with your mind…”

Archie got visibly angry and Jughead flinched back when he started talking. “What the hell do you even know about it, Jughead. Or about me, even?”

Tears burned the back of his eyes and he looks away. “Nothing. But I used to know this guy once. Archie Andrews.He wasn’t perfect but...” He began to walk down the driveway as he sighed and continued speaking. “He always tried to do the right thing, at least.

“Jug,” Archie sighed and turned around. Jughead had a flash of hope, maybe he’s going to apologise for what happened but that hope drained as he saw the hard look in Archie's eyes. “If you tell anyone about this…”

Was Archie...threatening him? “What? What are you gonna do.” Any pain Archie could think of to put him through would never be worse that what he’d already experienced.

The front door opened and Fred Andrews stood in the doorway. “Hey, Jug. Coming in? We got take-out from Pop’s.” Oh god yes please, Jughead hadn’t had anything that resembled a full meal for longer than he could remember.

“He was just leaving,” Archie responded his eyes challenging Jughead to refuse. His stomach cramped as he thought of the food and the comfort that came with the thought of the Andrews household.

Jughead turned around to hide the hurt look that he knew marred his features and walked away with his head down.

~*~

At school the following day Jughead was in the student lounge thinking everything over in the corner, half listening to the conversations panning out in front of him. Until he heard Reggie talking about the murder of Jason Blossom.

“If a kid at Riverdale killed Jason, it’s not gonna be a jock, right? Now lets be honest. Isn’t it always some spooky, scrawny, pathetic Internet troll, too busy writing his manifestos to get laid.”

‘Ah yes because the ace of spades, Forsythe Pendleton Jones, is so focused on having the sex’ Jughead thought.

“Some smug, moody, serial killer fanboy freak, like Jughead?” Reggie continued turning towards the boy. “What was it like, Suicide Squad? When you shot Jason? You didn’t do stuff to the body, did you? Like...after?”

Jughead rolled his eyes before responding “It’s called necrophilia, Reggie. Can you spell it?”

“Come here, you little…” Reggie vaulted over the couch and Jughead pressed himself against the wall, memories of his father flashing through his mind.

Suddenly Archie stepped in front of him, blocking his view of Reggie. “Hey shut the hell up, Reggie.”

“What do you care, Andrews,” Reggie demanded stepping closer to the ginger.

“Nothing, leave him alone.”

“Holy crap,” Reggie stepped back as if he had just learned the secrets to the universe. “Did you and Donnie Darko kill him together? Was it some sort of pervy, blood brother thing?”

Archie lost his temper and lunged at Reggie. Jughead surged forward as Archie got pushed into the vending machine, Jugheads heart dropped when the glass shattered and Archie took a fist to the face. As was a recurring moment in his life recently, Jughead felt his throat closing up and bolted out the room before anyone could notice his oncoming panic attack.

~*~

The next day at the football game, Jughead saw Archie talking to Ms Grundy looking determined, after speaking he stormed away toward the blue eyed boy.

“Girl trouble? You?” Jughead questioned when Archie reached him, glancing toward the music teacher.

“We’re telling Weatherbee,” Archie declared. “At least, I am.” He paused. “And also, I didn’t mean all that crap I said to you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s cool,” Jughead said with a smirk. They paused for a couple of seconds smiling, for a second he had an uncontrollable urge to kiss the ginger but decided against it. “We’re not gonna hug in front of this whole town.” They both laughed and Jughead continued. “So why don’t we both just do that bro thing where we nod like douches and mutually suppress out emotions?”

Archie smiled. “Yeah, but as friends, right?” He looked nervous, did he really think Jughead would reject him?

“To be discussed, over many burgers, and many days,” at this Jughead smiled. Finally, something had gone right for him.

Archie took a step forward so he was close enough for Jughead to see the light stubble covering his face. Slowly Archie leant forward and placed his mouth on Jugheads. The hand not holding onto his helmet travelled up to cup Jugheads cheek and the brunette's arms moved to wrap around his neck. Jughead felt as if he had died and gone to his own heaven, sure the kiss wasn’t perfect, far from it in fact but it was perfect to him. He knew Archie would be more experienced so the writer just went along with what he did, when they broke away he blinked a few times, trying to decide if this was real life.

“One of those days is gonna be a date,” Archie all but demanded.

Jughead nodded still dazed from the kiss as Archie began walking away. “Wait!” He called, Archie sauntered back over. The other boy blushed and looked away, then quickly placed a kiss on the football players cheek. “For good luck,” he whispered. Archie beamed at him before jogging away to the field.

~*~

After the game, the two boys began walking toward Pop’s, halfway there Archie intertwined their fingers, if anyone had asked Jughead would deny the fact that he had blushed and he held on tighter as if afraid Archie would suddenly let go.

When they reached the diner Jughead saw Betty and who he believed to be Veronica.

“Do you want to join us?” Betty asked.

“Yes, but only if you’re treating,” Jughead called, chuckling.

“Veronica Lodge,” the raven hair girl offered.

Jughead climbed over the seats to sit down beside the window on the other side of the girl. “Jughead Jones, the third.” The rest of the night was spent with laughter and fleeting glances to the boy he now had a true chance with. That night he had two things he had not experienced in a while, a full meal and true happiness.