#this is happened when you mix headcanon shitpost and fluff

[studentinpursuitofclouds]

Due to a glitch in Tumblr (thank you very much, for fuck's sakes), the question was posted as a private message, can't return it. but thanks to @mazal22 , for whom I wrote the answer and was able to copy my notes. Bless your heart 🙏🙏🙏

Question: "I came up with a brilliant idea.. how about headcanons with bachelors and bachelorettes with a farmer who has a young brother/sister? That they look after him and they're just cute? Wild? Have some magic? I honestly don't know but think this just cute"

I decided to write in a new format, but still not sure. Because I couldn't decide whether to write short stories, a regular headcanon, or as a shitpost. In the end, everything was mixed together like in a salad. But anyway, I hope you like it)))

Be warned, this post is very long... Like wow

SDV and SVE bachelors:

Alex:

Oh, a new fan of the future athlete? Does they want an autograph or something?

Mmm? Raise that bench? Sure, not a problem! Now that heavy stump? With ease! Want to see what heavy things I can lift next? Something else? Lewis car? Hah, no probl-

"Alex, put my vehicle down!"

Alex is ok with the kid running around.

He notes to himself that it is quite brave and responsible of the Farmer's side to take care of the younger sibling and run the farm at the same time.

Sometimes he treats the child with ice cream from the kiosk in the summer.

Falls into a stupor if the child says that they believes in him that he will become a sports star.

...

If one of the tourists offends this kid, he will deal with Alex too, and not just with the angry Farmer.

Sam:

Sam became like a big brother to the Farmer's sibling.

He will definitely introduce them to Vincent so that they befriend and play together.

Buys them ice cream and gives them a ride on his skateboard.

Sometimes rolls them on his shoulders if they ask.

Vincent gets a little jealous and now Sam has two kids on his shoulders

It's not hard to guess that they all fell to the ground.

Sam doesn't mind watching the kids if the Farmer is too busy.

Best brother material!

Elliott:

Waking up in the morning, Elliott decided to take a walk and get some fresh air. He did not look out the window, knowing that the weather would be fine today. But in vain.

Around his house is a wall of sand.

"Your realm will soon fall before my sand army. Surrender, king of the elves."

Elf? Who is this child?

Ah, that's Farmer's sibling.

Well, Elliott understands a little about theatrical art, why not play along with the kid.

He always plays along with the siblings when they play games like this. The little one got talent, you could send them to art school, Farmer!

Allows them to braid his hair if the child asks. Just please don't pull his hair too hard!

Elliott is like a big thoroughbred noble dog: he will endure all the antics of children and will never bark.

Shane:

Despite his rudeness to the Farmer at the first meeting, he is neutral towards their sibling.

The chaotic younger sibling of the chaotic Farmer... Shane isn't sure if it's worth introducing them to Jas.

But children are children, so Jas and Farmer's sibling managed to become friends anyway.

Shane doesn't mind.

He and Farmer also began to communicate more, as two singe parents.

Although at the same time, Shane claims that he is a useless godfather and guardian.

"Uncle Shane is lying, Mr./Ms. Farmer."

"Shush, Jas."

Both Shane and Farmer now need to make sure the two kids don't get into trouble together.

Sebastian:

Acts like an awkward uncle.

How to communicate with children?

...

Do you like frogs?

Sebastian will show them his little terrarium, and will be happy if Farmer's sibling is excited about the amphibians.

He will also show his exclusive collection of comics.

Sebby, of course, is constantly on social networks, but he did not expect the child Naruto running around him.

They made Sebastian laugh, although he thought that nothing in this world would make him laugh.

Total chaos, but Sebastian is pretty cool with that.

Secretly too, Naruto runs with the sibling if they ask to join.

The Farmer caught Sebastian during this run. Busted!

Harvey:

The Farmer's sibling is a frequent visitor to the clinic.

Oh, nothing serious, just scratches on their knees and bruises on their arms. Children often run without looking under their feet and this child is no exception.

Always gives them sugar-free candy after sanitizing their scratches.

Sometimes the sibling just walks into the clinic to say hi to the uncle doctor.

Sometimes brings gifts for the doctor.

From an older sibling - vegetables and fruits.

Sometimes from themself - a cool shell or dirt.

Harvey doesn't know how to react to this. But thank the child anyway.

Victor:

He also acts like an awkward uncle (behind Sebastian in first place), but knows what to do with an energetic child when the Farmer is busy.

He has a lot of video games, what do you want to play?

Wait, they want to play a bridge simulator? They think this is an interesting game?

This is now Victor's sibling. Deal with it, Farmer.

Confused when a child does something chaotic but will support them (unless it's something dangerous, of course!).

Victor is confused, but he got the spirit. I give him 8/10 as brother/uncle material.

Lance:

Lance doesn't know what surprised him the most: the presence of a child in the Adventurers' guild, or their requests to show "fire in the palm of your hand."

He turned his head towards Marlon with a questioning look.

"Farmer's sibling. They asked to look after the kid for an hour while they clear the caves of monsters."

Oh, they have sibling?

Still, Lance gave in to the child's requests and formed a small fire sphere in his right hand.

"Awesome! See what I can"

They formed a similar sphere in their palms, but the elements of ice.

Hold on, what?

Although, remembering the event with the Farmer on Ginger island and learning about magic relics, Lance is not so surprised.

"Two talented young and chaotic mages, that's more of a headache for Magnus" Marlon thought as he watched it all.

"Indeed" Lance agrees and smiles.

Magnus:

Please don't touch this. Don't touch that either. Those books are very old, be careful! Please put the mushrooms back, he needs them for potions. For heaven's sake, stay out of his cauldron!-

Yoba, why does Magnus suffer so much.

First, Camilla with that ridiculous nicknames, blasted woman! Then Morgan almost burned down his tower, and then the Farmer and Junimos do something without warning the wizard.

And now this child. Child with magic. A walking chaos and troublemaker.

With magic and desir- put this potions back! - desire to poke their nose everywhere.

And yet, the child is kind, gets along well with Morgan, and is very talented, and...

No, don't touCH THOSE POTIONS-!

Somebody kill him.

SDV and SVE Bachelorettes:

Abigail:

At first she avoided the child. She is not a babysitter.

Then Farmer's sibling became interested in one of his older sibling's professions.

And saw Abigail again, asked if she was an adventurer too. They also want to become a warrior, and as cool as the Farmer and her.

Abby is now informally the child's mentor. No buts.

She realized that they are quite fun to be with, and they also love video games, another plus.

Abby will show them the cool crystals she found in the mines.

The child tried to bite off a piece of quartz.

Are they definitely not Abigail's distant relative, another "just taste the gem" lover?

But seriously, don't eat rocks please.

Penny:

Another young mind in her class.

Penny is very happy about the addition to her group.

Although this means more work with materials for the preparation of the school curriculum.

They are very smart and educated.

Although they give Penny a heart attack every time they climb a tree or get too close to a river bank.

Penny is like a mother hen, she doesn't let anyone go far.

She always helps them if they have learning difficulties.

Like the other children, she escorts the Farmer's sibling home.

The child always brings a beautiful and juicy apple to the young teacher. And sometimes a whole basket of apples.

Maru:

If you have problems with maths, Maru will help them.

Do you want to see the robots she makes?

Can I make the robot say something? Of course!

Makes a robot to... curse?

...

So, how old are they?

(Secretly also wants to give the robot such a function, but her father will not get it).

Gave them a couple of times to look through the telescope. With joy, she answers what kind of stars and planets they are.

"Aunt Maru, help build Lego"

Oh, with her, sibling will gather a separate civilization.

Teach them scientific puns.

Leah:

Leah's house door is now frequently knocked on.

"Aunt Leah, show me your new paintings, they are beautiful".

Well, how can Leah say no?

If the Farmer is busy then she can look after their sibling.

Mostly they are in nature.

Paints and clean sheets - and let the child create a miracle.

Sometimes they walk through the forest, where Leah shows them which berries are edible and which are poisonous.

Very proud of them if they already know.

She gets a good mood, and a basket of vegetables in gratitude from the Farmer - the day was a success.

Haley:

Haley is quite polite towards children, even if they are as chaotic as the Farm Relative.

Doesn't get mad at them even if they accidentally stained her clothes.

Periodically takes random photos of this running child.

It turns out very funny, you can make a good meme from this pictures.

And why not do it? But only of the Farmer themself and their sibling will allow it.

Now the kid is the star of the Internet.

Chaos of the Valley

Once she received a sunflower from them.

Haley will never forget this touching gift.

Scratch out the eyes with his new manicure to any bully who dares to offend them.

Try her, bitch.

Emily:

Always glad to see Farmer and their sibling at home.

She usually spoil the child with healthy sweets like pastille or sugar-free marmalade.

Emily can sew anything for them.

Do you want to be a pirate? Or an astronaut? Or maybe a vampire? Oh, or make a dinosaur costume.

Believe me, she is hung up on sewing. The main thing is to find a reason and time.

Can teach dancing or aerobics if the sibling asks.

He will tell you how to read a horoscope correctly.

Sibling will one day show her the magic in their palms.

Ah, Farmer! They are a wizard!

They are what?

Claire:

Please, child, Claire is trying to work. She is so tired

Don't ask her too many questions.

Where are their parents?

Ah, here they are. Well, not parents, but brother/sister, a new Farmer. The Farmer explained to their sibling that they should be well-mannered.

"Oh, okay. Sorry ms Claire".

Before and after work, she sees this child, but they are no longer clingy.

They greet her politely and move on.

They often give Claire dandelions they find and say she has a beautiful hair color.

A little angel.

They immediately cheer up Claire if she is depressed.

Given that the farm is very close to the bus stop, such meetings happen often.

Sometimes Claire treats the child to fresh apricots and apples that her neighbors gave her.

Sophia:

Oh hey.

...

How can Sophia talk to them?

Do you want to watch something cool on TV? I have anime, anime and... animal documentaries. Oh, and I also have anime.

With great pleasure, she will show them her cosplay.

Receive a small soft toy from the child as a gift.

"your toys will make another friend"

oh it's so cute

"And you have pretty hair like bubblegum. I like it."

Sophia, stop crying, you're scaring the child.

Do they love grampleton orange chicken as much as Sophia? And love anime?

Did someone say Sophia was an only child? Nothing like that, now she has a younger brother/sister.

Olivia:

Olivia is just like that grandmother who always spoils the children and gives them too much pocket money.

True, Olivia is not a grandmother, but a milf good looking middle-aged woman.

Spoils them to the point of impossibility, because they are so cute.

Even if the Farmer grumbles a little that she spoils them too much.

If a sibling comes to visit, they won't leave until they've eaten.

I'm telling you, she is like granny.

Olivia will show them an album of old photos of her family.

There's children's books in her library somewhere, if they're interested.

[ravenclaw-reblogs]

More headcanons about Sirius being a sex god pls and thank you. Currently living vicariously through Remus’ out of this world experiences with a generous beefcake in bed 😩

I've spoken about Sirius' experience here, and I'm glad to see a lot of people agreed.

I see Sirius as someone incredibly handsome, and as handsome outgoing young men tend to do I see him as someone who sleeps around a bit. Like I said, I see this as perfectly fine and healthy, and he treats everybody with the utmost respect

I see Remus as somebody who is pretty average looks wise, and also very insecure with a lot of self-image issues (hello projection) that would mean he definitely doesn't sleep around. Add to that his scars and his condition, and I think it's pretty safe to assume he hadn't done anything before Sirius. This isn't to say he's a blushing wallflower, quite the opposite, but I just don't think he would have let himself get any actual experience. That kind of contradicts my previous post about Remus' exes being bad in bed, but that was more of a funny smug Sirius shitpost than anything serious.

If we want to go down the route of Sirius making up for Remus' talentless exes, that was kind of inspired by this post and I definitely think Sirius used his imagination when it came to Remus before they got together, so he had something of a mental checklist to work his way down. As for Remus, I think he had a lot of "oh so this is what it should be like" moments thanks to Sirius, who is a very generous lover.

If we're talking about what I was saying with Remus never having been with anyone before Sirius, I think Sirius really made sure to show Remus a hella good time without letting the steep experience gradient create a weird power imbalance. That said, he definitely has a few tricks up his sleeve that made Remus see stars, but he definitely put himself aside and used what he learned back in the day to help Remus discover a side to himself he never believed he could have.

As you can tell, I really enjoy mixing fluff with smut. I definitely think Sirius rocked Remus' world night after night with his previous experience, but I also think there was a deeper meaning that just good sex. To me, Remus is someone who never let himself imagine being loved at all, let alone physically, so Sirius just loving him for him was enough. But Sirius also happens to be a tall beefcake of a sex god, so he enjoys the added bonus of being on the receiving end of every trick in Padfoot's goddamn book and who is he to complain?

And while I think Sirius would be the picture of lewd smugness with every noise he teased out of Moony's mouth, I also think it would be really meaningful for him to give Remus confidence, as well as pleasure, in himself both in bed and every day. I see Sirius' experience as being pretty much limited to non-committal hookups and friends-with-benefits situations, generally without emotions involved. Combining his love for Remus with sex would be something that rocks his world just as much as he rocks Remus'.