#this is half joking i doubt hes Actually gay but i wouldnt be surprised if he sucked dick before

[sar3nka]

Btw my brother says his ass n spine still hurt from his friend forcibly putting his fingers in there (through clothes)

[tigerdrop]

Cringe is dead, talk to me about the funny half-life men and their relationship

okay here is my essay. it is titled These Guys Actually Like Each Other, and Gordon Freeman Is Just Kind Of A Dick*

(disclaimer: these are just my 2 cents. dont take me too seriously! im just some guy online who has watched this shit too many times.)

first things first. these guys actually like each other. this is a key aspect of their relationship. benrey, obviously and textually, digs gordon freeman - you dont flirt that heavily with guys you arent into, and so much of what he says and does is geared around making gordon crack up. thats pretty gay.

but the counterpart to this is that gordon freemans pretty fucking gay for benrey, too. you may say, “oh, but word of god says its not requited!” and to you i will say: bull shit. gordon is uniquely obsessed with benrey compared to all the other characters. if gordon didnt like the fucking guy, he wouldnt giggle with him and share in-jokes with him and bring him up every 5 seconds when benreys not around. thats concern, bro. thats worry. thats real shit

but i cant blame people for thinking that gordon freeman genuinely doesnt like benrey. benreys partially responsible for some of the worst things that have happened to him, the Arm Thing among them. and gordons very insistent afterward that he doesnt like benrey. he even goes so far as to try to kill benrey a couple times. to this, i must argue that gordon freeman is just kind of a dick.

lets talk facts here. canon. Lore. from the moment we hop into gordons shoes, we can see that he is a jerk to every npc on his way into black mesa. this is his default: a dude who just runs his mouth and says rude shit. he calls tommy a freak within 5 minutes of meeting him. he infantilizes the guy and barely considers him a real scientist. he doubts that bubby is a real name for like no fuckin reason. in “real life”, this is because its funny, and wayne is trying to make a funny half-life stream. in a textual sense, this is because gordon “hlvrai” freeman is a dick. this is the way he acts, consistently, throughout the series.

(brief aside: this is why the whole “gordon is a nice guy and a great dad” characterization baffles me. the way he actually acts in canon is, in short, bitchy and lacking in self-awareness. and i love that for him, i really do. it makes the moments where he just tries to be a nice guy stand out. but thats the thing: his intermittent moments of decency and kindness are not the whole of his personality! this dude kind of sucks most of the time!)

the way that gordons general asshole attitude extends to benrey is complicated. in fairness, benrey makes it his job to annoy the shit out of gordon as much as possible, and that warrants a negative attitude, but gordons pretty paranoid and ends up blaming benrey for nearly everything that happens to him, regardless of if its warranted. this is a pattern he exhibits both before and after the Arm Thing. its a little bit of a dick move! especially considering that, prior to the whole “betrayal” subplot (which was not exactly planned very far in advance), benrey is no more malicious or annoying than anybody else gordons having to travel with.

(okay, this is kind of a subjective evaluation, but still. my point stands that benrey is not any more of a hindrance to his progress than anybody else in the science crew, and neither is he particularly more violent or murderous. hell, gordon freeman has probably killed more guys than benrey. benrey just tends to get.......special treatment.)

all that said, i am still convinced that gordon really fucking likes benrey. please consider with me the following: it would be remarkably easy for gordon to just ignore him and do what he has to do, but he doesnt. he could stop engaging. he could stop thinking about benrey. he could stop bringing benrey up to the rest of the crew every time benrey leaves to do his own thing for awhile. but he doesnt. and, again, yeah, the extra-textual reason for this is “two guys are doing an improv comedy thing and bouncing off of scorpy is kind of the point”, but within the text it reads to me as gordon not being about to get the dude off his mind.

and this is in addition to all the times we see gordon being genuinely nice and receptive toward benrey! its in the little things: laughing the hardest and longest at benreys jokes. only ever reciprocating that stupid underwater “BBBBB” thing with benrey. trying to catch benrey when he falls, despite his insistence moments earlier that benrey should hop in the wack ass crystal generator and get hypermurdered. fondly remarking that benreys sweet voice sounds beautiful. his sort of flustered responses to most of benreys overt flirting. none of this is the way normal people react to a guy they hate. this is all fuckin gay to me, man.

its this combination of the outward insistence that gordon hates benrey with his inner eagerness to be around him and think about him and engage with him that gives off strong “repression” vibes, to me. for whatever reason - pride, embarrassment, resentment - gordon maintains a front of hating the guy and wanting to kill him for a lot of the series, but it doesnt gel with the way he fucking giggles and plays along half the time that benrey starts fucking with him. its a game, and that game is one of the only ways gordon knows to manifest affection for him.

(remember “oh my god, hes got a knife!”? that was the gayest shit i ever seen in my life. tittering like a schoolgirl while benrey chases him around like “im gonna get you haha”. insanity.)

the cool thing about repression is that you can have it manifest in a lot of ways! and this is where things like “headcanons” and “my own personal affection for repressed bisexual men” come in. a lot of how i characterize their relationship is an extrapolation of a lot of things like gordons canonical insecurity issues/anxiety, gordons whole anti-bootboy thing screaming “internet wokeboy who means well but probably has a lot of repressed baggage” to me, etc.

how do you get massive amounts of sexual repression out of what you see in canon, you might ask? well. if wayne would stop having gordon talking about being jerked off by the suit, or talking about chugging a 40-gal drum of potion and having to hold his piss, or worrying about being eaten by benrey the moment he sees benrey at setscale 10, maybe i would have a higher opinion of gordon “hlvrai” freeman and whatever latent psychosexual issues hes got going on. but here we are

i havent even touched yet upon how benrey feels about gordon. this one is helpfully made a little more plain by the fact that benrey very much wants to suck his dick in canon. (i dont even have to go into details. we all know.) but IMO the best part about this ship isnt just that they dig each other, but how. benrey gets overtly flirtatious in the second half of the series, but IMO his preferred method of flirting is just fucking with gordon: chasing him with knives, shoving him around in a bathroom, trying to get scans of his feet. but all in like a slapstick, giggly, fun-and-games sense, you know? at least when it works.

a lot of the time, though, it doesnt work out that way. he clearly just likes doing it whether or not gordon responds positively. which is, you know, Weird. not very nice. but also in line with the way everybody else treats gordon freeman. gordons kind of the universes chew toy in any given universe, and the same holds true here. hes kind of helpless......subjected to 4 demons attempting to make his life as difficult as possible. in a way its cathartic.

sorry. i got sidetracked. anyway, benrey very much likes to mess with him and unnerve him and demean him and i will be perfectly frank with you: that is hot. i have problems and illnesses and one of them is that i am a masochist who goes crazy for that kind of thing. calling gordon a “dirty lil boy” and telling him to “look at the mess [he] made” is some straight up kink scene shit.

i like to imagine that a lot of this behavior isnt caused just by the guy who played him wanting to be funny and antagonistic, but by benrey as a character not really understanding what constitutes “pushing a joke too far”. hes not human, and whatever he is doesnt have a very normative way of understanding the world around him, full of people who actually get hurt for real and die for real. benrey expresses what seems to be genuine surprise and distress after the Arm Thing, as if he didnt know that his actions would have serious consequences. and it doesnt seem to fully sink in afterward, either.

it reads a lot to me like hes used to video game rules and treating people around him like NPCs. if they get hurt, its no big deal, because its not real. he likes jamming random buttons on gordons interface and seeing what comes out. its probably a lot of fun for him, the same way that seeing a streamer or a youtuber suffer for our amusement is fun. its like, you know, in my opinion, gordons very cute when hes frazzled. hes also cute when hes laughing. pushing gordons buttons has a 50/50 chance of either of these things. and this is how he ultimately flirts with gordon: by pulling his pigtails.

but at the same time, benrey does legit care about gordon and knows some boundaries. benreys the one most often shooting at enemies to protect gordon, and he spent most of the last act trying to convince gordon to turn around and not fight him because they were friends (best friends, to be specific). he just lacks a lot of the emotional intelligence it would take to express the feeling of “he digs gordon and likes seeing his face get all red and sweaty regardless of the cause”. and gordon lacks the emotional intelligence it would take to express the fact that he doesnt know if he likes or hates benrey and hes scared as hell that its the former

because, lets be real. unironic benrey-liking is a sign of problems disorder. just look at all these words ive written about it.

can you imagine? this bizarrely powerful, non-human entity that can shrug off gunfire and grow to the size of a building has decided that youre his new plaything. benreys the bored guy booting up skyrim and fucking around in the console, and gordons the hapless favorite follower that hes taken a liking to. its a really fun dynamic IMO

after all this, its safe to say my title is a little misleading. the asterisk stands for * and So Is Benrey, Actually. they are both kind of awful dudes who thrive off of teasing each other and they deserve each other. and i am crazy about it. thank u for coming to my TED talk

[mtherhino]

One Side, Two lives

Chapter seven

YOU WHAT?!

First Previous Next

Warnings: cursing, suggestive comments, Remus

Remus was freaking out. He liked the fucking nerd of all people! The stupid tie wearing stick up his ass nerd! But he is smart, and he’s willing to explore the undiscovered weirdness of the world. Remus blushed slightly at his own thoughts.

“Dam you Logan Sanders, I did not need this today but apparently emotions say otherwise.” Remus grumbled to himself. He was currently sitting upside down on his bed in his room. Everything in his room had been hit by his mace at least once, so there were scratches on the bed post and a thousand holes in the fabrics of, well, everything.

           The duke grumbled and threw a dagger across the room at a target that was barely hanging on. The dagger struck the middle, just like all the others he had thrown that day. The duke sighed heavily.

Remus wasn’t one who really knew how to deal with emotions. He understood them pretty well, a nice thing about being intrusive thoughts is that he could understand situations and people pretty well since his mind never stoped for one second.

           So, taking that into consideration, the only way he knew how to deal with emotions was by destroying things, but he knew that wasn’t going to work this time, no matter how freaking frustrating that was for him. Its not like he can destroy his feelings or kill Logan. Though that would be easier, Remus grumbled in his mind.

           “Gah, stupid fucking feelings.” Remus groaned as he slipped of the bed, hitting his head on the floor. He laid there on the floor trying to figure out how to deal with this. He knew that Deceit wouldnt be any hep in this situation, he would probably just tell him to get over his feeling or that there was nothing to gain from these feelings. So that only left one option on who to talk to. Remus flipped over easily, and walked to his door, having to jump over the many random items on his floor.

           He waked though the door that led to the light sides corridor and went to Roman’s door, seeing Virgil along the way.

Well, might as well screw with someone while I’m here, Remus thought with a smirk. He snuck up behind the other side who was looking at Tumbler on his phone. Remus was pretty good at being quiet when he wanted to, so he was able to get right next to the shorter of the two without him knowing.

“What are you looking at emo?”Virgil jumped a foot in the air and screeched when he heard him. Remus fell on the ground laughing as Virgil turned to him, still looking like he’d seen a ghost or something. Once he recognized the threat as the duke, his startled expression turned into a scowl.

           “Really Remus?” The anxious side said. Remus was still dying of laughter on the ground.

“Dude what was that?! I literally just asked you a question and you practically flew into the air! HAHAHA!” Remus said, its been a while since he’s scared someone that badly.

           The smaller rolled his eyes, he didn’t find it very funny to scare people.

“What are you even doing here? I swear if you are here to give Thomas more nightmares-!” He didn’t get to finish as he jumped back as Remus jumped up, already holding his hands up in a surrendering manner.

“Chill Virge, I just came here to cause a little bit of chaos.” Remus gave a shrug, trying to sell the lie. “What can I say, I got bored bothering Deceit so I decided to come here and bother all of you.”  He smirked at the end of his sentence and Virgil narrowed his eyes at him.

           “You can’t honestly think I’ll let you get away with that.” Virgil said, trying to look intimidating, though it was pretty hard when the other person was a head taller than you. Remus grinned, coming up with an impromptu plan.

“Fine emo, if you can find me in the next 15 minutes, then I’ll leave. Ready? Go!” As Remus yelled the last word he popped out of the hallway and into Roman’s room, startling his brother half to death.

“Re?! What the hell are you doing here?!” Remus was about to answer him when Roman interrupted. “You know what, I don’t even care, I need to talk to you” Roman said, getting off of his bed. He had been panicking the entire day on what to do about his feelings and was actually planning on leaving his room to find Remus before he showed up.

           “Ok in a minute, my matter is more important!” Remus said. Roman completely understood, but all logical thinking was thrown out the window as soon as he had woken up that morning.

“Remus! I’m having a crisis right now!”

“Well so am I asshole! I’m having a gay crisis and I don’t know how to freaking handle it!” Remus said, now pacing around the room, his hands buried in his hair.

“Well I guess that puts us in the same boat since I’m also having a gay crisis!” Roman said, throwing his arms in the air. It took a minute for the words to sink in for both brothers, but once they did they turned to each other with incredulous looked on their faces.

“YOU WHAT?!”

“My brother, who thinks love is stupid and will gag at any romantic scene has a crush?!?!” Roman said disbelief evident in his voice.

“Um, my brother who barely leaves his room? Liking someone?! Why was I not informed of this immediately?!”

“What did you think I wanted to talk about? But that can wait, who do you have a crush on!” Roman said, his eyes practically shining because he got the chance to play matchmaker.

           Remus blushed, he hadn’t told anyone about his feelings, hell he had never even referred to his feeling for Logan as a crush until now. He rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment.

“Um well, uh.” Dammit why am I nervous talking about this! I can literally talk about any freaking topic but this!The duke covered his face with his hands, now feeling like he had a hundred eyes on him, when in reality it was just one pair of eyes. He looked and saw his brother, practically jumping up and down.

           Remus sighed heavily, knowing that he had to actually tell Roman who his crush is if he wanted his help.

“It’s uh, its Logan” Remus mumbled the last part, nearly making it impossible for anyone to hear, but somehow the prince heard. To say he was surprised would be an understatement.

“Come again?” He asked his brother.

“It’s Logan!” Remus nearly shouted, his cheeks just ever so slightly pink. Roman thought this over for a second.

“Well, that wasn’t what I was expecting, but now that I think about it it kinda makes sense.” Roman said, his hand under his chin as he tried to figure out why he didn’t try to set the two up earlier.

           Remus on the other hand was kinda taken back.

“What?! How does it make sense?! I can’t even figure out why I like that dam nerd!” Remus said, wanting some kind of explanation. Roman looked over at his brother with a bit of a smile, figured that he wouldn’t be able to figure out why he would like someone. That was just Remus being, well, Remus.

“Well you both have this bit of,” Roman gestured to his brother, “weirdness to you.” After he finished his sentence Remus summoned a green pillow and nocked his brother in the face so that he fell on the bed.

           “What? It true you know, your both fascinated by the strange and disturbing.” Roman shrugged. Although it may have sounded like an insult, neither brother had ever had anything against the others interest, so Remus knew that Roman meant it as a joke.

           The green side sighed loudly, though he couldn’t really refute Roman’s point.

“Still, I didn’t even know I could feel,” Remus gestured widely in an amusing manner, making Roman snort, “feelings.” Remus was disgruntled and sat on Roman’s bed, a small scowl on his face. Roman noticed, it wasn’t like his brother to get upset about, well, anything. To be honest, he wasn’t sure on how to handle this, he usually wasn’t the one people came to for advice.

           Roman hummed slightly, as he sat up on the bed, grabbing one of the pillow to hold and lean his head on.

“How do you feel about, liking him” he asked his brother, carefully wording his question, though it still sounded stupid to him. Remus’s thought for a moment, he wasn’t sure how he felt.

“Confused. I’ve never liked someone before Ro, so this is kinda just confusing and I don’t know how to make sense of it.” The prince nodded, and although it wasn’t shown in any way, Remus knew he was telling him to continue. What could he say, they do have a tiny bit of that twin telepathy bullshit.

“Well I can see why I like Logan, he’s great! He likes learning about everything, and he’s able to keep up with my random stream of thoughts.” Although he didn’t know it, Remus had a soft smile on his face while he thought about Logan. “Like you said, he’s, weird.” The duke finished, thinking about how he and Logan had discussed what aliens would look like and why they would evolve to be that way. Almost everyone would have said that it didn’t matter to think of all the what ifs of the universe, but Logan seemed to disagree. Meanwhile, Roman was so very happy for his brother. He had never heard Re talk like that, there was clear admiration in his eyes and fondness in his voice.

“Ok, I never thought that I would say this, but you are adorable.” Roman said. Remus turned red from embarrassment and anger.

“Hey! No I’m not! I’m the scariest thing you will ever meet! I am in no way adorable!” Remus said, well, more like shouted. He pounded his fist onto the bed, making Roman go into a fit of laughter.

“You, you look like, hahaha! You look like a little kid that didn’t get a popsicle! Hahaha!” Roman said in between fits of laughter.

           Remus pouted a little bit and summoned a popsicle from the light sides fridge just to mess with Roman. Did it take a good bit of energy and make him kinda tired? Yes. Was it worth it to see the annoyed face of his brother? Also yes. Without a doubt. He smirked and chomped into the popsicle, smirking when he saw Roman’s horrified face.

           “How the hell did you just bite into literal ice!” Roman yelled, looking almost disgusted. Remus shrugged.

“You can create glitter whenever you want, I can bite into ice with no consequences.” Roman shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts.

“Where getting off track, back onto the subject of you and Logan’s love life.” Remus was so startled by how his brother had phrased that that he fell of the bed.  However he quickly jumped back his feet.

“Why must you phrase it like that!” Roman shrugged.

“I’m just speaking the truth dear brother.” Remus groaned and threw himself back onto the bad.

           “This still doesn’t help my problem.” Remus said, his voice slightly muffled by the pillow. He turned his head to face his brother. “What do I do with these feelings” Roman took a minute to think. Although Roman was the romantic side, that didn’t mean he was actually good with how to get a significant other. That being said, he did have a small idea of what people naturally like and their emotions, especially when it involved the other sides.

           “Well, are you trying to get him to eventually go on a date with you?” Roman asked, it was an important thing to know if he was going to help. Remus blushed a little and rubbed the back of his neck. He hated not feeling like his usual cocky and invincible self.

“I mean, I’m not against the idea in any way.” He said. Roman smiled, completely understanding his brother. They where both clueless morons when it came to expressing feelings, so over the years they learned how to read each other better so that words weren’t the only way they could communicate.

“In that case, I would try to take it slow, maybe leave a lot of hints so that Logan can figure out that you like him on his own. I mean it’s clear how much that man likes puzzles so I think that might be the best way to go about it.” The red side said. “On the other hand, you could be direct about it. Logan, as smart as he is, doesn’t easily understand feelings. If you wanted to, you could try to do a bit of both.” Roman suggested, wanting to help. Remus had helped him out more times in the past than he could count, (although the prince had helped the duke many times as well) and he wanted to pay back that debt.

Remus considered all of this, trying to think off a plan.

“So I should try to show Logan how I feel about him, but tell him my feelings sooner rather than latter because, as you put it, he can be an idiot when it comes to feelings?” Roman laughed a bit, imagining his friends reaction if he knew that they had said he wasn’t the all knowing being that he thought he was.

“Pretty much, I just think that could work, but of course you don’t have to if you don’t think it will work.”  The duke shook his head.

“No I think that is the best plan. It better than the one I came up with anyways.” Roman raised an eyebrow at that.

“What was your plan?”            The dark side shrugged.

“To throw sharp objects and run out of the room whenever I see him.” Roman looked like he had seen a book that told a story by smell instead of actual words

“I can’t even tell if your being serious or not.” Remus smiles at that.

“Isn’t that the best thing about me”. Roman was about to give a retort when they both heard footsteps running towards Roman’s room. Remus quickly hid under the bed in case the whoever it was didn’t want to have a dark side around. Just as he was hidden form view the princes’s door flew open, the anxious side standing in the doorway.

           “Roman! Have you seen Remus! I lost a bet and now I can’t find him anywhere! Who knows what chaos he could be causing!” The purple side shouted frantically. Well that’s rather rude, Remus thought, I haven’t even caused an ounce of chaos since I’ve been here!  Roman got off the bed and walked over to Virgil, feigning  concern. It wasn’t that he wasn’t worried for the smaller side, its just that he knew for a fact that Remus hadn’t done anything so there was no real reason to be scared.

“Woah Virgil calm down.” Roman said as he put a hand on the hooded sides shoulders, easing the anxiety in Virgil just a little bit. “What kind of bet did you make?” Roman asked, wondering what Remus must have done.

“He said that if I could find him in 15 minutes then he would leave, but I don’t even know how long its been since then and I’ve searched the entire light sides area and I cant find a trace of him!” Virgil said, putting his hands in his hair. He was clearly frustrated that he couldn’t find the other creative side and stop whatever mayhem that he could cause. Remus chuckled in his mind, it was kinda funny that Virgil had search nearly everywhere looking for him when he was barely even hiding.

           Roman grumbled in his head and quickly formed a plan, smiling a bit when he thought of one.

“Um, couldn’t he have just gone back to the dark side and left you searching for no reason? That just seems like something Remus would do is all.” Roman said with a shrug. A look of realization hit Virgil’s face before he face palmed and groaned.

“God dang it he probably did. It seems just up his alley to make me worried and anxious for no reason. He probably can’t even cause a lot of damage if I called for Logan.” Roman laughed a bit, thinking about his brother under the bed being thoroughly offended that someone thought he couldn’t cause trouble for everyone.

“Yah, Logan is pretty good at handling Remus.” Roman said. Virgil nodded.

“Sorry for disturbing you Princy, thanks for the help.” Virgil said before giving the prince a warm smile. Roman was caught off guard and blushed as he laughed a bit awkwardly.

“No problem Virgil! I’m, uh, I’m glad I could help.” Roman said, returning the smile. Virgil waved and walked away, the creative side not seeing his bright red ears.

           As Roman closed the door and faced the bed he saw his brother with a smug grin on his face.

“Soooo~” Remus said in an almost mocking manner. “Virgil’s the one you have crush on. I didn’t take you for the type that likes angsty and emo guys.” Remus smile only grew when his brothers face lit up red.

“Well, um, yes Virgil is who I have a crush on but one annoying word and you’ll wish you had never been born.” Roman said while glaring at his brother. The creative side raised his hands in a form of surrender.

“Fine fine, but its still surprising. Didn’t you used to hate him or something?” Remus said, raising an eyebrow.

           Roman grumbled lightly and crossed his arms.

“I never hated him, I just used to find him annoying since he always shot down my ideas, but now..” Roman wasn’t sure how to finish. His brother raised an eyebrow, clearly wanting some sort of explanation.

“I don’t know, he’s just a lot more open and kinder now. He’s really considerate and overall just a good person.” Roman said.

“Bleh! Your so sappy Ro.” Remus said, pretending to gag.

“Oh don’t you even go there Mr. ‘I think Logan is amazing and the greatest person in the universe’.” Roman said. Remus threw a pillow at him.

“I didn’t say any of that!”

“But you we’re thinking it.” Roman said with a smirk.

“Careful there Roman, you know I’m more creative than you when it comes to teasing, especially with relationships.”Remus said, a sinister smile on his face. “I could easily just make you think about you and Virgil-“ he was quickly interrupted by Roman smacking him in the face with a pillow and smothering the rest of the sentence.

“Nope! One word out of you about Virgil and I will cover your room with so much glitter you will go blind.” Roman threatened.

“Alright alright I won’t say anything just get off me.” Roman gave his brother a glare before he got off him, punching him in the arm one time for good measure. Remus got up and dusted himself for no reason.

“Well, I should probably head back, its lunchtime and there’s some meat that just expired two weeks ago that I’ve been meaning to eat.” The prince gave the duke a disgusted look and shook his head.

“How in the world are you able to eat stuff like that?!” Roman asked, Remus gave a very helpful shrug. Remus walked out the door, his brother behind him.

“Well, see yah brother.” Remus said as he started down the hallway. “Good luck with your BOYFRIEND!” before he disappeared he saw his brother turn bright red and start to scream but he got away before his eardrums busted.

Remus chuckled to himself as he walked down the hallway back to his room. As he opened his door only for something heavy to fall on his head.

“What the fuck!?” The duke lifted the item off his head. A bucket?! He thought to himself. He looked down at at his outfit and saw that it was covered in. Hot. Pink. Glitter. He looked at the rest of his room and saw that it was in the same state. There wasn’t one thing that wasn’t pink at this point.

“Oh that fucking bartered is so dead.”

I’m so sorry this took so long! I have had a lot of testing lately and a big project to deal with. I still have a few test to finish but I’m going to try and get the next chapter out earlier. Thank you for reading this, have a good day humans, bye!

Tag list

@lovelivingmydreams

[missmarquin]

Magnetic, Ch. 1

In the future, romantic attraction is literal: each person is fitted with an electromagnetic bracelet which will pull you to your soulmate. It's hard, wondering who's out there for you. It's harder yet, when you have to come to understand yourself first.

Read on A03, for best quality (Including proper italics and such!)

Domain

‘A magnetic domain is a region within magnetic material in which the magnetization is uniform in one direction.’

Eighteen was a big year for many, but turning twenty is what people truly waited for.

Otabek had never really given it much thought, he supposed. Amita might not have been his initial choice of who he’d want to spend his life with forever, but she had since grown on him-- not unlike a fungus. She was sharp and quick-witted, and he had to admit that his parents had made a good choice. Really, they had. He and Amita just worked together, their relationship didn’t require much effort.

So the ceremonious receiving of the Destiny Bracelet wasn’t so ceremonious for him. He didn’t want to fuck up something that was good for him.

“It’s such a stupid fucking name,” Yuri said through the phone screen. Amita rolled her eyes, as she held the phone out, and Otabek smirked back at the video feed. “ Destiny Bracelet . What is this, some shitty fucking rom-com?”

“Hey now,” Amita pouted, leaning around so Yuri could see her through the screen. “ Some people like shitty rom-coms.”

“I guess you’re allowed to,” Yuri said with a genuine smile. “You’re special though.”

Really, Otabek’s luck couldn’t be better. Yuri was the most important person in the world to him, at the end of things, and he fucking lovedAmita. They were practically partners-in-crime themselves.

“What’s the point anyhow?” Yuri continued griping. “ It’s not like you aren’t getting married regardless. You and Amita are stupidly in love.”

Otabek and Amita shared an amused glance, and he said, “Why not? It’s not like it’s going to hurt me, you know? Besides, Mom is curious.” Not his mom, just Mom, the woman who had seen Yuri once before instantly adopting him as her own. Much to the boy’s aggravation.

Yuri snorted, rolling his eyes. Otabek wasn’t sure that he was stupidly in love with Amita, but he was happy and honestly, that was more than he could ask for. There was a mild fear that the bracelet would want to pull him somewhere else, but many people ignored it anyway. The journey of finding that soulmate wasn’t worth it to some.

Otabek was okay with that. He wasn’t the kind for grand romantic gestures or sweeping adventures. It was less work to stay in his tidy little bubble, and it suited him.

“Are we all ready in here?” A voice piped from the doorway. Everyone turned to meet a middle-aged man, the proctor in charge of attaching and turning on the gizmo. Otabek nodded and he whisked into the room, settling into the rolling stool beside the bed.

“I was I could be there for this,” Yuri muttered. “I wish I could see the annoyance on your face, the moment that bracelet beeps.”

Such a Yuri thing to say and do, to take pleasure in the vexation of others.

“Someone has rehearsal to be at, you know,” Amita chided. “Someone scored a spot in the Bolshoi Ballet Company, so that someone needs to stay put and not burn bridges before they are even built.”

Yuri sighed and Otabek hid a smile behind a carefully placed cough. Yuri wouldn’t listen to him, but he would always listen to her, begrudging as it was.

“Hold out your arm now,” the proctor interrupted cheerfully. Otabek did as he was told and the man fitted a length of cool metal around his wrist. It wasn’t his first time seeing one and it wouldn’t be his last, but he was always surprised by how boring it looked. Just a simple chain of lightweight links, fitted with neat and elegant looking square. The way it worked was a carefully guarded secret, but it worked and that’s all people cared about.

The point of the Destiny Bracelet was to make people happy, not make money and so, the world-wide program had been adopted free of charge. Yuri had always said it was stupid, because it could have made billions. He wasn’t wrong.

“As you probably already know, there’s nothing really needed to know about it’s use,” the proctor said. “It’s waterproof and practically indestructible, so you don’t need to worry about that. It can easily be removed if so wished, and once put back on, instantly kicks into gear again. No fancy buttons or doohickies,” he finished with a laugh. “You ready?”

Otabek shrugged and the man took a thin little tool, about the size of a paperclip, and shoved it into the pin-sized hole on the square. The bracelet beeped, indicating that it was scanning.

The room waited with bated breath, but nothing seemed to happen.

“Beks?” Amita said gently, curiosity full on her face. “Anything?”

“Uh,” Otabek started, lifting his wrist slightly. “No? I don’t think?”

The proctor didn’t seem fazed though, asking, “No tingling sensations? No feeling of being tugged a certain direction?”

“No,” Otabek confirmed. “Nothing.”

“Well, that’s not unusual,” the man said. “It only comes to life if your partner’s bracelet is active. Give it some time and it will start to work, I promise.” He folded his hands into his lap neatly. “Any other questions?”

“Yeah,” Yuri said from the video call, “Who’s placing bets on when that fucking happens?”

Otabek shot Yuri a glare, but Amita burst into laughter. The proctor smiled, before standing and handing Otabek a flyer. “This should give you more in depth information, but don’t hesitate to call, okay?”

Otabek nodded and thanked him, before standing himself.

“Three months till your woman gets hers,” Yuri drawled, “Ten thousand rubles that hers lights up like a damn Christmas Tree in your direction.”

The thought of Amita’s bracelet reacting to his own was a nice thought, but a one-in-a-million chance. Otabek remained hesitant about it, not wanting to get his hopes up.

“We don’t use rubles,” Amita tittered, her lips pulled into a sarcastic smirk. “What’s that about in tenge, Otabek?”

“About fifty-six thousand,” he deadpanned, and half Yuri’s monthly salary. Amita pressed her finger to her chin in thought.

“I’ll accept the bet and raise it, Yuri,” she finally said, a gleam in her eye. “One hundred thousand tenge that his bracelet doesn’t do jack shit when mine is activated.” Amita came from old money and didn’t bat an eye at the outrageous amount.

Otabek started slightly at that, but Yuri was already accepting the challenge before he could process that she had bet against them.

“You’re on, you hag,” Yuri snapped. “It’s pretty fucked up to bet against your own romance though.”

“Plenty of people don’t go searching for their soulmate, Yuri,” she said with a shrug. “Many people already love someone else and stick with them. Otabek and I are no different.”

It wasn’t that he didn’t believe Amita when she said it, but the both of them weren’t the kind to throw around something like lovelightheartedly. When they walked out of the building though, Amita’s hand reached out to find his, squeezing gently as they told Yuri goodbye.

It’s enough to believe that this might actually work.

It wasn’t.

Otabek didn’t know what was wrong with him when he finally came to that conclusion.

The more and more he thought about the silent bracelet on his wrist, the more he realized that he would be okay with it staying that way for the rest of his life. And that he would be a-okay with Amita wandering off and finding her own destined one.

Because honestly, the woman deserved it. She deserved more than a half-hearted romance with a man who just liked her. Like wasn’t the same as love. Otabek understood that now.

“Relationships are fucking useless,” Yuri groaned over the video call.

“I take it that the date didn’t go well then,” Otabek mused.

“It was great, until he tried to eat my face off like some sort of rabid dog. ” Yuri paused to make a disgusted sound. “You know, that was the first time I’ve kissed a dude and honestly I feel sorry for women. Men are disgusting.”

Otabek wasn’t sure what surprised him more-- that Yuri’s first kiss had apparently been with a woman, or that he had admitted that men were gross. “You told me he was gross before you went on the date,” he pointed out.

“Personality wise yes,” Yuri replied, “but Beka, have you seen his fucking calves?”

“Yes,” Otabek said. Yuri had shown him tons of pictures of the company, all the while complaining about every single member.

Yuri rolled his eyes. “You know, ignore that, it’s not like you’d ever fucking agree.”

It came out harsher than he meant, and Otabek mused at the irony of his statement. Otabek wouldn’t consider himself gay, but Yuri never failed to get under his skin when the time accounted for it. That moment wasn’t an exception, with his low-scooping neckline and hair falling around his face like spun gold.

Otabek promptly reminded himself that what he had with Amita was good enough, and not worth risking the only fucking friendship he had.

“So,” Yuri drawled and Otabek’s attention snapped back to him. “Less than a week until Amita get’s her little bracelet.”

Otabek smirked. “Regretting your bet yet?”

“Absolutely the fuck not. Everyone knows you two are disgustingly perfect. You’re almost as bad as the Piggy and Old Man.”

Otabek seriously doubted that, but laughed all the same.

“Are you worried?” Yuri asked.

“Not really,” Otabek said with a shrug.

“What if it’s not you?”

Otabek hesitated, but then said, “Not a problem. Like Amita said, many people stay with those they aren’t meant for. It’s not a bad thing.”

Yuri was quiet for a moment, regarding him carefully through the screen. Finally, he said, “You aren’t the type to do things half-way, Beka.”

It wasn’t a critique, it was the honest truth, and for once he didn’t know how to reply. But as soon as introspective Yuri had shown his face, he was gone, throwing out a dirty joke that he had heard from one of the pit musicians.  

After a long time of tossing jokes around and swapping stories, their call comes to its end. Yuri was clearly tired, eyelids drooping as he tucked into the hoodie that he stole from Otabek years ago.

Yuri had said his goodnight, about to end the call, when Otabek said something else.

“Would it make me a terrible person if I wanted her bracelet to point to someone else?” It wasn’t a planned question, or something he would have ever asked Yuri. His friend blinked slowly, his hand hovering over the keyboard of his laptop. “I wonder,” Otabek continued, “if I’m a horrible person because I might want to pull away.”

“Of course it doesn’t,” Yuri finally said. “It makes you normal. Everyone questions their relationships. Sometimes people are constantly questioning them.” He paused and considered something else. “You’re lucky though, I think. Amita seems the kind of woman tough enough to handle rejection in the end. She’d slap a smile on her face and thank you.”

Yuri wasn’t wrong, and despite his heavy-handed worries, Otabek managed another smile before they ended the call for the night.

Otabek couldn’t dedicate time to be there, when Amita’s bracelet was activated. She came from old money, and despite working, she worked for her parents. They showered her with all the vacation and time off she could have ever wanted.

It wasn’t like Otabek’s family weren’t well of either-- that’s how they had met-- but he didn’t like to dip his hand into the cookie jar so to speak. He worked hard for his coin, and as a result had less leeway.

So that night, he had been in his garage, fixing up a vintage bike for a collector. It was dirty work, leaving him smeared with grease, but he loved it. The feel of the tools in his hand, the way that the engine whined when finely tuned to perfection.

Really, it was all could have ever asked for.

“I take it that it’s been a good day for you, Beks,” Amita said, stepping into his space quietly.

He swiped at his forehead and turned to smile at her, but she seemed distant and subdued. Slowly he dropped his hand, as he regarded her.

Amita fidgeted, she never fidgeted, and Otabek couldn’t help the crease that stretched across his forehead as he moved to speak. But she held her hand out and paused. And he saw the bracelet there, blinking gently in the dim light.

His didn’t blink at all, because it had no call.

She saw his gaze and moved her hand self-consciously, tucking her hair behind an ear. “It’s not strong,” she said, “the pull. Whoever it is isn’t close by. I’m not surprised though.”

“I-- I’m not either,” Otabek replied, but the words didn’t sound bitter. Nor was there dread in the pit of his stomach. If he had to be honest, he felt relieved.

Amita leaned against his workbench. “I know what we told Yuri, but--”

“But it’s not right,” Otabek finished, knowing that’s where she was going with this. He stood, wiping his dirtied hands on a spare rag in his pocket. He moved to lean next to her and she smiled sadly.

“It’s stupid, right? I mean, I want to marry you.”

“I would like that too,” Otabek said truthfully.

“But it isn’t… it’s not right,” she repeated. “I can’t really describe it any other way.” She sighed softly. “I couldn’t deny whoever your soulmate is, you, Otabek.”

He snorted at that. “I think it’s safe to say I’m doomed to be alone, Amita,” he replied lightheartedly. And that was probably the truth. Most bracelets activated within several months, and the longer it took, the less likely it ever would. He was past the point of holding his breath.

She turned to look at him, her eyes flashing. “Why on earth would you think that?”

Otabek rubbed at his neck nervously. “I don’t know, I’m just not the kind of person who does people, you know? I’ve been thinking more and more about it lately, and I think that the single lifestyle would suit me.”

Amita regarded him quietly, tapping her finger against her chin like she always did when she thought. “I think the problem Beks,” she finally said, “is that you just haven’t found your person yet. I would love to be them, but… it’s not fair.”

“Yeah, it’s not fair to you--”

“ To you,” she interrupted. Otabek blinked at her words, her conviction. “You deserve happiness as much as anyone else,” she said firmly.

Otabek breathed an uneasy sigh, rubbing at his neck again. “I’m not holding my breath, you know,” he finally said.

At that, she laughed. “I wouldn’t expect you too. Above all Otabek, you are practical.”

He managed a smile at that. “What will you do, then? Go after him?” He took her hand gently, pulling it closer to see the bracelet. All it did was blink, signaling that it was on.

“I don’t know,” she said quietly. “I’m not sure my parents would be happy. They love you.”

“They love you more,” he pointed out.

She hummed at that, before reaching up and cupping his chin in her hand. “I’ll always love you,” she said quietly. “Despite what this bracelet says, or yours, I’ll always love you. I’m just not the one meant for you, I think.” She leaned forward and pressed a kiss against his brow sweetly. “Who knows? Maybe they’re closer than you think?” She smirked widely as she pulled back and let him go.

Otabek could think of one person that he wouldn’t mind, but those odds were heavily stacked against him. And he wasn’t the kind to dream.

Still, when she left him behind in his shop, his heart didn’t feel heavy. He thanked Amita for her unwavering friendship, knowing that he’d have it forever.

The first year after the break up had been weird.

Amita had decided to go West in the end, following the tug of her bracelet. Otabek had seen her off personally, hugging her tightly at the airport. They parted well, with light hearts and encouraging words. Otabek knew that they had made the right decision, no matter how disappointed their parents had been.

In turn, being alone had given him time to think.

The single life wasn’t so bad, he thought. Amita’s words about how he hadn’t found his someone yet floated around here and there, but he had chosen to mostly ignore them. It was easier worrying about himself, and devoting the time to come to understanding who he was.

Yuri told him that he was stupid, but didn’t press the issue.

The second year was better. The second year, Otabek discovered himself, exploring his freedom. He finally used that vacation time and savings, and hit the open roads on his bike. Not too far though gone, because he never missed his nightly calls with Yuri.

Yuri threw himself into ballet, constantly tired and bruised. And when he wasn’t punishing his body with grueling training regimes, he threw himself into shitty date after shitty date. No one seemed to stick, not that Otabek was surprised. Yuri was as prickly as a summer cactus, and his personality wasn’t much better. Not everyone could handle the abrasive man.

“A huge part of me doesn’t want to get the stupid bracelet, Beka,” Yuri complained one night during their call. His twentieth birthday was looming over them and in a few weeks, he’d know.

“You don’t have to get the bracelet, you know,” Otabek said, leaning back against his headboard. It was a late night and both of them were settling for bed.

Yuri sighed, sitting on his tony mattress with crossed legs. That night he wore baggy sweatpants and a wide-necked black shirt that showed off his collarbones--

Otabek distracted himself by taking a sip from the water cup on his side table.

“I thought about it, actually,” Yuri said. “But then you know, I also keep dating assholes, so clearly my method isn’t working out.”

Otabek raised an eyebrow at that. “Don’t date assholes then,” he chided, smiling.

Yuri rolled his eyes, before falling back against the bed. “How do you do it?” he asked. “How do you just… do your own thing?”

Otabek thought before he answered. “It’s taken time and a lot of thought,” he finally said. “And of course, Amita pushed me, I guess.”

“A cross-country trip to discover yourself doesn’t hurt either,” Yuri teased, and when Otabek looked back at him through the screen, he saw the smirk across his lips. Otabek smiled right back.

“I’ve thought about taking it off,” Otabek continued with, flicking at the metal on his wrist. Nearly three years later and it was still dead as a door nail. Frankly, Otabek had lost interest in waiting. “My soulmate doesn’t define me, you know?”

Yuri hummed quietly. “Don’t,” he finally said. “I mean, at least wait until it turns on, yeah?”

“It probably won’t, Yura,” Otabek sighed. “Studies show that most activate within the first year. I’m probably the rare case of never activates at all . And honestly, I’m cool with it.”

“Well I’m not,” Yuri scoffed. “You can’t tell me that someone doesn’t get Otabek Altin as a fucking soulmate, I won’t take it. You’re too cool to go it alone.”

“You literally said that you admire that about me.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t think you’re deserving.”

Otabek ran a hand through his hair gently. “You aren’t like me, Yura,” he finally said. “Even though you don’t like people, you crave their attention. You’d never be okay on your own.”

“I wouldn’t be alone though,” Yuri replied quietly. “I’ll always have you, you know.”

Otabek did know, and he smiled. “It’s taken me a long time to get to where I am, but I’m good now. Give yourself a chance too, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he grumbled. There was a short pause, and then, “Do yourself a favor Beka. Don’t you take yours off either, okay?”

Otabek’s lips quirked into a smile. “Okay.”

“It’s a promise?”

“Always, Yura.”

Despite all of Otabek’s annoyance for his own bracelet, he was excited for Yuri.

He watched through the screen as Yuri sat on the exam table, twitching with apprehension. The phone must have been propped up against something.  “It’s stupid,” he snapped. “I should be at rehearsal, I should be running through forms, hell I’d rather be doing fucking squats.”

Otabek smiled at that. “It’s not the end of the world, Yura,” he said amused. “A few years ago, you were excited .”

“Yeah, until I realized what a drag dating is, and how disgusting men are.” He paused then, his face twisting into horror. “Beka, what if my soulmate is a woman? My life would be over!”

“It could be worse, you know,” he joked. “It could not work at all.” He raised his own wrist in response.

Yuri scowled at him, about to retort when the proctor came in. When requested to, Yuri stuck his arm out, the smooth skin pale against his dark shirt. Otabek watched as the man slipped the chain around his wrist, snapping it closed. And then the tool came out.

Yuri looked hesitant, but his eyes were bright as the man activated the bracelet.

But then they both fell quiet, watching. And then there was a little beep and Yuri’s bracelet blinked. He regarded it with an odd look.

“You know, I wish Amita were watching. I bet her smug ass would have enjoyed this.”

Before Otabek could retort though, there was another beep, this time not through the phone call. He froze and looked down, right as his bracelet flared to life.