#this is from my brief messing around with after effects. Hate that program but love it at the same time

[cowardlybean]

edit/AMV thing I never really polished but I like it anyway

Snake - Abu-Se-Ken

[kikis-writing-world]

Bug in the System

Summary: Reader has a complicated relationship with Nathan, living and working with him. They’ve always been nervous to bring up prescription medication, so shit hits the fan when they runs out and their mood plummets.

Pairing: Nathan Bateman x GN!Reader that struggles with mental health.

Word Count: 2k

Rating/Warnings: Mental health - depression and anxiety are expressly mentioned and reader is in a bad low. Talk of medication and ramifications of not taking them. Mention of doctors. Brief mention of sex. Worries of the stigma around mental health. Lots of swearing because it’s Nathan. Unedited/Betaed. it’s almost fluff in Nathan’s asshole way, there’s a happy ending.

A/N: I blame @foxilayde​ that I’m suddenly writing for Nathan... I hated him when I watched the movie and now here we are. Idk, this idea hit me last night while trying to fall asleep and I couldn’t get it out of my head. I had to write it.

You weren’t sure how to define the relationship you and Nathan had. He wasn’t your boyfriend - not only did that feel so juvenile, but also… he just wasn’t. There had never been a declaration of love between the two of you, no commitment to monogamy or even non-monogamy. The two of you lived together, worked together, slept together- it could almost be called a friends with benefits relationship, only… softer. You ate dinners together, danced around the house together, and cuddled together when watching movies. You also spent days, sometimes weeks at a time where you hardly spoke to each other when engrossed in a project. Did this form out of attraction, or emotion, or was it an inevitability when two adults - whose sexualities, attractions and availabilities lined up accordingly - lived together in isolation for an extended period of time? 

In summary: there was no easy way to define what was between the two of you, and you were happy there were no other humans around to ask. You didn’t feel the need to defend what you shared, but you had no desire to try to label it either.

Despite the friendly and casual nature of whatever the relationship was, there were still things that you had yet to admit to Nathan. The dwindling supply of medications tucked safely in a make-up bag inside the drawer of your bedside table felt like a ticking time bomb. You only had so many doses remaining and it wasn’t like you could walk down to the local pharmacy for a refill. Any supplies coming to the fortress of a home had to be called in, ordered, and helicoptered to you. There was no way to do it without Nathan finding out along the way.

You watched the pills slowly empty from their plastic bottles like a reverse hourglass. Despite the effects they had on your malfunctioning brain chemistry, they never quite tampered down the anxiety you had about opening up about your mental illness, let alone to someone like Nathan.

Nathan worked hard and played harder. He strove to be the best him he could be at all times. He accepted nothing less than perfection and no matter what the relationship between you two could be defined as -coworkers, employer/employee, friends, friends with benefits, lovers -  you didn’t want to disappoint him.

You avoided and avoided until inevitably, the last pill came out of the last bottle. It only got worse from there. Without the anxieties in check and the chemicals being balanced, the insecurity flared even worse. Your inner voice told you that you deserved the unhappiness flowing through you, that you should just stay in bed and give up since Nathan would kick you out of the house soon enough: he’d either get tired of your low mood, your falling productivity, or he’d discover your secret and be done with you.

He noticed. Of course he did. You stopped dancing, stopped cuddling, stopped fucking. Then you stopped eating, stopped talking, stopped leaving your room. You felt like you couldn’t get out of bed at all. You spent your time sleeping or curled up under your blankets in the dark room wishing you could sleep more. That or just disappear.

That was where Nathan found you, a month and a half after you’d run out of your meds.

“What the fuck is going on with you?” He barged into your room one morning… afternoon… you had no idea what time it was.

Nathan turned the light on and you could hear him pacing. “Are you sick? Do I need to call in a doctor? Are you even alive under there?! Hello?!”

You sighed, forcing yourself to sit up and prove you were alive, awake, and hearing him. The blankets dropped to your waist, revealing what you were sure was an absolute mess of a human. You knew what you looked like the last time you’d been brave enough to look in the mirror and you were sure it was even worse now.

Nathan cursed and you swear he nearly recoiled at the sight of you. “Are you in here dying on me or something?” He questioned. 

You weren’t sure how to answer, what you could possibly say to him.

“Hello?!” He snapped his fingers in front of your face. “Is anybody in there?!”

You blinked as he crowded you, hysterics growing as you seemingly ignored him. You could tell he was close to grabbing you and shaking you, and you didn’t know if your body could handle that. As it was, your muscles had protested sitting up. Instead, you leaned over and opened your drawer, taking out the zippered make-up bag.

You tossed the pouch at him, hearing all the plastic bottles click together as it landed at his feet. He bent down to pick it up, opening it carefully like he thought some sort of creature might jump out at him. His brows furrowed when he saw the bottles inside and dumped them out onto the mattress.

“Are these all empty? Fuck did you take these?” He questioned, panic rising in his voice. “Are you trying to OD on me or something? Shit.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket, about to call for help.

“No.” You croaked. “Well, yeah. I took them… but… they’re my meds.” You gave in. “I’ve been taking them since I got here. I[was taking until they ran out.”

Nathan looked down at the bottles, picking one up as he read the label. “What are they for?”

“Depression mostly. Anxiety.” You shrugged, listing the simple ones.

Nathan was quiet as he read the bottles. You had no idea if he knew what any of them meant. It’s not like the labels read “Take one daily to stop the crazies!” The names, the dosages, the frequencies meant nothing to someone with no experience… but then again, Nathan wasn’t just anyone.

“How long?” He sighed, turning to sit on the edge of the bed.

You would have deflated if you didn’t already feel as low as you could go. Having assumed the worst, you weren’t surprised he couldn’t look at you.

“I was diagnosed in junior year-”

“No, I mean how long have you been without your meds?” He interrupted you, turning to stare  you down.

“A month.” You shrugged. “Almost two.”

“For fucks sakes.” He grumbled, turning to his phone again and typing away.

“I’ll pack my shit. Just, give me a few days and I’ll go.” You mumbled, laying down on your side and facing away from him. You didn’t want to watch him posting for a new assistant or scheduling the pick-up or whatever he was doing. You’d wallow for a bit, probably take a nap, and then you’d pack anything here that was important. Fuck the rest. You didn’t have the energy. You didn’t care.

“The fuck are you talking about?” He asked distractedly, like he hadn’t heard you as his cogs of his brain jumped to life. He did that a lot when he was preoccupied. He would hear your voice, realize you’re talking, but not absorb the words. Sometimes he needed to ask 3 or 4 times until you gave up and texted him instead.

“I’m bringing in a doctor. You need to get checked out before you start back up on anything. You’re not supposed to go off of these without supervision. Says so right here. Black and white.” He chastised you.

You frowned, looking over your shoulder in confusion. You saw him still typing away on his phone, holding one of the empty, orange-tinted bottles in his hand. He set it down, picking up another. He took a picture, looking over the label quickly for himself before setting it back down.

“What are you doing?”

“Sending him the labels so he knows what he’s walking into. Why the fuck would you just stop taking your meds?” He sniped. “Why didn’t you get more? I fucking ask you if you need shit and you just conveniently forget your pills?”

You picked at a thread of the blanket, not wanting to watch him as he grew angrier with you. As soon as you were in good health and his conscience was clear, he’d be rid of you. You were sure of it. It was more than you’d expected to be honest.

You heard the quiet noise from his phone, indicating the email had been sent. That meant his attention wasn’t divided as he rounded back on you.

“Why won’t you answer me? It’s like fucking talking to a wall or something. If I wanted one-sided conversations, I never would have brought you up here. Why didn’t you get more?!”

You took a shuddering breath before answering. “I didn’t want you to know.”

“Know what? That you take medication?” He scoffed in disbelief.

The room was quiet as you didn’t answer, but you could practically hear his brain processing, whirring like a computer with a squeaky exhaust fan.

“Hey, look at me.” He ordered, his voice dropping in volume to a kinder tone, but it was still not a request. It was a demand. You sat up again, looking at him stare at you with dark, angry eyes.

“When a program isn’t working, do you throw away the whole CPU or do you debug it and fucking find the fix?” He asked. You didn’t answer, assuming it was rhetorical.

“Your software is fucked, and these,” he picked up one of the bottles to hold up between you two. “These are the fix. Why the fuck would you be embarassed about shit like that?”

You shrugged your shoulders, dropping your gaze again. “You’re…” you struggled to find the words, but Nathan jumped on your train of thought frighteningly quick.

“Me?! So it’s my fault? I eat brown rice and salad and work out every day so I’m some health nut hippy who wouldn’t understand, is that it?”

He was putting words into your mouth, but he was essentially getting the point. You were scared he would reject you, mock you, think less of you.

He crawled towards you on the bed, cupping your chin a little too tight as he lifted your face. He was clearly done having you look away from him. “I’m a fucking reclusive genius who lives in the middle of ass fuck nature and only lets people come and go with a goddamn keycard! Do you not think I’m self-aware enough to realize that? A fucking prodigy, multi-millionaire by 15, CEO of the most successful technology company in history. The President calls me and I hit ignore. Do you really think I’m not self-aware enough to know we all have our own brand of fucked up?” He laughed.

“If you need these to get through it, to be my little genius-” He released your jaw to cup your face in both hands, giving it a shake. “To keep up with my shit, to live here without losing your mind at the isolation, to be my dance partner and dinner partner and movie date - then fucking take them. Would I be having to tell you this if it was for your blood pressure or a heart condition or something?!”

His phone buzzed and he released his hold on you, leaning back to read the message that had just come through.

“Doc’s gonna be here tomorrow morning. Gotta keep you hydrated until then and you should try to eat.” He summed up the message as his eyes skimmed the screen. He tucked his phone back into his pocket before slapping your blanket-covered thigh. “What are we eating tonight? Your choice.”

“I’m not hungry.” You mumbled.

“Not an option!” He declined as he stood off the bed. “What are we eating?”

You sighed, letting your head fall back as you thought. “Grilled cheese?”

“And tomato soup? Coming right up.” He leaned over to you, cupping the back of your head as he pulled you close enough to kiss the top of your head. “Rest. I’ll bring it in when it’s ready.”

Tagging: @wickedfrsgrl @din-damn-djarin @dinthisisthe-wayson @seasonschange-butpeopledont @kesskirata​ 

[hrtiu]

Worthy of Devotion Chapter 2

The room was secure, so Fox was happy. He stood behind the Chancellor’s seat, hands behind his back and eyes vigilant as he and the Chancellor waited for her pod to be raised into the bowl of the Galactic Senate. Chancellor Palpatine hadn’t been in the habit of bringing any of his personal guard with him into the Senate chambers, but Chancellor’s Chuchi’s youth, the relative unimportance of her home planet, and the unusual circumstances of her election all made her a tempting target, and Fox wasn’t about to take any risks.

Chancellor Chuchi took a deep breath, righting her long red chancellor’s robes and settling herself behind the podium that would, in only a few brief moments, lift up and into the very center of the Senate chambers.

“Don’t worry, ma’am, you look perfect,” Maja said with a bright smile, the white of her teeth forming a sharp contrast to her viridian Mirialan skin.

The Chancellor offered Maja a tight smile, her fingers clutching the folds of her robe tightly. She turned her head to Fox and he focused his attention on her, though from behind the helmet he doubted she could tell. “Fox, do I really look a mess?”

“No, ma’am.”

“What, is my word not good enough?” Maja asked with false outrage.

The Chancellor grinned at her friend. “Certainly, but you’re too kind. Whatever Commander Fox is, he isn’t a liar.”

Maja giggled and Chancellor Chuchi looked back to gauge Fox’s reaction. She’d been doing that more and more frequently, like a scientist testing if he had a soul. He remained silent and immovable behind the mask of his helmet.

The Chancellor sighed, the smile falling from her face, and Fox almost wanted to humor her. Then the roof above them opened up, Vice Chair Elba Ek joined them on the platform, and with a whoosh the pod rose into the midst of the Senate.

Over a thousand pods surrounded them in a giant dish of democracy, and the Chancellor looked like she was about to be sick. She’d been doing this for a half year now, but still Fox saw the terror in her eyes before every session—a terror she always managed to banish seconds before raising her face to the crowd.

She opened the session with all the usual pomp and circumstance while Fox kept his eyes on the Senate and his hand on his blaster. The opening rituals passed by without incident, and the Chancellor gave the floor to Senator Organa to introduce the bill freeing the clones.

Fox realized he should probably be more excited about this moment, but the feeling didn’t come. It was difficult to believe that any clone would know a life outside the GAR, no matter what a piece of flimsi said. And as the Chancellor herself often said, it was the budget that revealed what the Senate truly intended to do, and no money had been allocated to any transition or retirement programs for the clones.

So it was with little personal interest that Fox watched Senator Organa’s pod float out into the open air of the Senate for his speech. He addressed his colleagues, reciting the words Taam had written and the committee had workshopped over and over again to get just right, and to their credit the other senators appeared to listen intently.

“A government is only as good as its actions during its darkest hour, and I am afraid by that measure our Republic has fallen short,” Senator Organa began. “In our desperation to defend ourselves, we conscripted an army of sentient beings—of Human men—to fight our battles for us. Clones these men may be, but they are individuals with hearts and souls, and as it stands now our Republic has committed the grave sin of enslaving these individuals.”

A low roar rose up from the Senate, which was to be expected. Slavery was a cruel, dirty word, and it wasn’t a word anybody wished to associate with their own government, but Fox found some satisfaction in witnessing the senators be forced to reckon with their own misdeeds. Fox caught the hypocrisy of that last thought and grimaced.

“Order! Order!” called Vice Chair Ek, his gravelly voice amplified to fill the chamber.

Vice Chair Ek, a Human representing Hosnian Prime, wasn’t a close friend of the Chancellor and had been a surprising pick for Vice Chair. His appointment had introduced a lot of stress into Fox’s life as he triple and quadruple-vetted the politician and never felt quite comfortable with his one-on-one meetings with the Chancellor. Still, the alliance with a representative from a central, important system was probably wise for the Pantoran Chancellor.

Senator Organa waited for the chaos to die down, then continued. “We propose that, effective immediately, service in the Grand Army of the Republic become voluntary, that any clone who wishes to leave may do so, and that no clone is to ever be considered property again.”

“How can this be proposed?” Senator Burtoni objected. Predictable, Fox thought, his helmet hiding the roll of his eyes. “Is the Republic to unleash a hoard of men bred for violence onto the civilian population without any skills or resources to make ends meet?”

The corner of Chancellor Chuchi’s mouth ticked downwards, but she quickly caught the involuntary motion and returned to a look of calm control. There was no way the Kaminoan Senator’s objections were in good faith, but they were valid nonetheless, and the Chancellor and her allies would need to address them. Though Chancellor Chuchi wanted to pass the bill as soon as possible, it wouldn’t be practical for any soldier to actually take advantage of it until some assistance was made available to them.

“The Armed Services Committee is working on a program to support retired soldiers as we speak,” said Senator Organa, “and we will pass such a bill as soon as possible. However, no matter what program we pass, slavery will never be acceptable in the Republic. That will not change, and this is a wrong we should correct as soon as possible. We need to send a message as clear as daylight that slavery is not tolerated within the Republic—that our government abides by its own laws.”

The clones didn’t particularly like the term “slave”, but Fox could understand the tactical import in this situation. It just felt so much nobler and more palatable to see themselves as disciplined, obedient, self-sacrificing soldiers who willingly defended their Republic than property of said Republic with no other options.

Nevertheless, the facts were that the clones could not leave the GAR, did not have citizenship, and were technically property of the Republic, and thus the term “slavery” wasn’t entirely inaccurate. Fox hated it, but it was true. It had taken him a long while to come to this recognition, largely because it had hurt to allow himself to see how deeply the Republic he served and loved did not love him back. 

Senator Rathin, representing Shili, spoke up enthusiastically. “Hear, hear! My people have been the targets of slavers in the very recent past. How can we trust that the Republic will prosecute such crimes if they do not acknowledge slavery enacted on such a grand scale?”

“If the Republic truly intends to release all of the clones from their custodianship, they should be returned to Kamino,” Senator Burtoni said.

Senator Organa levelled the older woman with a frank stare. “You do realize that systems dealing in slavery will not be tolerated in the Republic, don’t you? Are you proposing Kamino withdraw from the Republic?”

“I said no such thing!”

Debate continued, though opposition to the bill was flaccid. Nobody wanted to be seen opposing a bill denouncing slavery, after all. Though the bill wouldn’t make much of a difference to his brothers’ lives until further legislation gave it teeth, Fox couldn’t help but feel some hope that things might actually go in a positive direction. It wasn’t a very familiar feeling.

After several hours of back and forth, Chancellor Chuchi called for a vote, and the yeas and nays were quickly tallied.

“The bill passes with 856 votes in favor,” Vice Chair Ek said, banging his ceremonial staff with a resounding thunk.

Fox felt the vibration of the staff through his boots, and his reality subtly shifted around him. It surprised him. He’d worked protecting the people in this building his entire adult life, but had never before felt like the things that happened here could affect him. But now the colors of the senators’ robes and frippery appeared more vibrant and alive to his eyes, the sounds of their voices echoing throughout the cavernous chamber more sonorous to his ears. Sure, there may be no practical way for him or his brothers to walk away from GAR right now, but the possibility was there, in a vital and real way.

He allowed a tiny smile to quirk up the corner of his mouth and his gaze flitted back to Chancellor Chuchi. She smiled in genuine pleasure at their success, and the now-familiar satisfaction of protecting someone he believed deserved his respect filled his chest.

The Senate moved on to other bills and procedures, and Fox tuned out any noise that wasn’t relevant to the Chancellor’s security. Regular check-ins from troopers stationed at each door came in like clockwork, feeds from various security cameras looked standard as he cycled through them on his HUD, and his visual spotchecks of the chambers all registered as normal. Eventually, Vice Chair Ek banged his staff again and Chancellor Chuchi brought the proceedings to a close. The podium lowered, the roof above them closed, and the session was over.

“What’s next on my schedule?” Chancellor Chuchi asked Maja.

“You’re meeting with…” Maja squinted at the datapad in her hand before realizing it was the wrong one and hastily swapping it with another, “Commander Fox’s recommendation for the clone seat on the Armed Services Committee. CT-7567.”

“Oh yes. In my office, right?”

“He should already be there.”

Commander Fox followed after the pair silently as they headed to the Chancellor’s office, the prospect of actually introducing the Chancellor to CT-7567 making him wonder if perhaps this recommendation had been a mistake. Rex might not be willing to work with Chancellor Chuchi if he couldn’t forgive Fox.

As Maja had said, Rex was already waiting outside of the Chancellor’s office when they arrived. He stood on their approach, helmet tucked under his arm, and saluted sharply. The Chancellor approached him with delicate cornflower hand outstretched, an easy smile on her face.

“Captain Rex, so pleased to meet a friend of Commander Fox.”

Captain Rex raised an eyebrow at Fox, likely wondering something along the lines of who told her we were friends? 

“Likewise, Madam Chancellor,” Rex said, shaking her hand.

The Chancellor led them into her office and she took her place behind her giant desk while Maja, Fox, and Rex sat across from her. The desk easily took up a third of the area of Chancellor Chuchi’s office—the very same office she’d occupied when she was still a lowly junior senator. Though Fox had enumerated the many security advantages of the old Chancellor’s office, Chancellor Chuchi had flatly refused to take up residence in those sumptuous rooms.

“Madam Chancellor, CT-7567 is one of the finest officers in the GAR,” Fox said. “He’d make an excellent addition to the Armed Services Committee.”

Rex’s eyes widened. “Armed Services Committee?”

Chancellor Chuchi nodded. “Yes. It’s absolutely appalling that the committee that makes major decisions for the GAR doesn’t have a single member with military experience. Commander Fox said that you were well-suited for the job.”

Rex looked sideways at Fox in surprise. “Sir?”

Fox shifted in his seat, unused to having to explain himself about these kinds of things. “The 501st is well-known for being a personable, tight-knit group. You’re close to your junior troopers and understand where they’re coming from, and you’re good with civilians.”

Rex cleared his throat, as uncomfortable receiving Fox’s compliments as Fox was with giving them. “Thank you, sir.”

“Captain Rex, the Armed Services Committee helps write legislation related to the Republic’s military forces, military research, and veterans affairs. The committee will be working on developing legislation that will reduce the size of the GAR and assist veterans in transitioning to civilian life, and it could sorely use your insight and perspective.”

“That sounds like a worthy cause, Madam Chancellor.”

“Are you willing to join?”

Rex hesitated only a moment. “Yes, ma’am.”

Chancellor Chuchi leaned forward across her desk, her arched eyebrow raised. “This isn’t an order, Captain. You can refuse.”

“I understand, ma’am. I’d like to join the committee.”

Chancellor Chuchi smiled and she clasped her hands in front of her. “Excellent!”

“Will I be removed from my current position?”

“You’ll retain your rank and place in the 501st, but you’ll be given this role as a temporary assignment. While working on the committee, you’ll be relocated to Coruscant and won’t be a part of any deployments with the GAR—at least until the legislation is passed,” she said.

“Understood.”

Chancellor Chuchi went on to go through some of the logistics while Maja gave her increasingly meaningful looks. The Chancellor was always doing that—getting too far into the weeds now that her job was the highest of the high level. It was something Fox could relate to. As Commander of the Coruscant Guard he’d often had to resist the urge to get too personally involved in whatever issue was at hand. That was one of the nice things about being Chancellor Chuchi’s personal guard. It was a simple task he could devote his entire self to without any distractions. Fox liked that.

Eventually the Chancellor took her assistant’s hint and thanked Captain Rex for his time, accompanying him to the door of her office. Rex thanked her back and turned to Fox, an uncomfortable look on his face.

“And, um. Commander Fox,” he said, shifting his weight from one foot to the other before deciding on a crisp salute as a farewell. Fox supposed that was about as good as he could ask for.

Captain Rex went one way down the hallway and Maja and the Chancellor went the other way, on to continue the seemingly endless parade of meetings and committees and public appearances that each, in their own special way, provided the Chancellor’s many enemies with a fresh opportunity to kill her. Fox melted into the background where he was most comfortable, always wary, always at the ready. He hadn’t always been this way. He used to lead from the front, used to inspire bravery in his men and fear in his enemies, used to be the public face of the GAR. He didn’t deserve that anymore.

He followed the Chancellor and her assistant, always three steps behind, existing in her shadow. Where he belonged.

---

Riyo said goodnight to Maja for the fifth time, and this time the organized Mirilian finally couldn’t think of a single additional note or reminder to give her to drag out this interminable day. Riyo retreated into her apartment, shucking her shoes by the door and dragging her feet to the couch where she promptly collapsed.

She closed her eyes and let out a massive exhale, letting her bones liquify into the plush couch. The heavy steps of Commander Fox’s booted feet chased her into the apartment, their steady rhythm now as constant in her life as her own heartbeat.

“I wish you would take your boots off inside,” she said, eyes still closed. “Who knows what you're tracking inside.”

Fox sighed, as he had every other time she’d brought this up. “I can’t take any part of my uniform off when I’m on duty. But I wipe them off every time, to please you.”

Riyo sat up, a smile growing on her face as she turned back to him. Sometimes, usually at night after all her meetings were over, he opened up just the tiniest but—like a door cracked open just enough to let a sliver of light through. Those moments made her new life just a little bit less lonely.

“What do you think of Captain Rex?” she asked.

Commander Fox shrugged as he paced around the room in his nightly ritual, checking first the windows, then the doors, then any potential hiding places. “I already told you. He has an excellent reputation, is known as a people person, is well-respected by his men.”

“Yes, but it seemed like there was some… tension between you. I wondered why you would recommend him considering you two don’t seem to get along.”

Fox’s shoulders tensed, but he didn’t break his stride as he continued his inspection. “I don’t have a lot of friends, ma’am. Rex is a good soldier, and that’s what you need.”

“Hmm…” Riyo said, disappointed but unsurprised by Fox’s unwillingness to elaborate. She folded her arms across her chest and put her feet up on the coffee table, relieved to finally be able to adopt an undignified posture. Sometimes Fox seemed just as lonely as her, but she knew if she ever tried to broach the subject it wouldn’t go well. That was fine—everybody had their ways, and it was no use trying to force him to change. In Riyo’s experience you got the best out of people when you let them be themselves.

Fox finished his sweep of the apartment and retreated to his favorite lurking corner, where he typically stayed put until the shift change at 0000. His departure reminded Riyo of a discussion she’d had with Maja earlier over dinner.

“Oh, Fox, can I run something by you?” she asked, wanting to catch him before he fully retracted into his bodyguard shell.

“Yes, ma’am.”

Fox walked back to Riyo, standing in front of her with hands behind his back and feet shoulder-width apart.

“Now that service in the GAR is voluntary, do you think people will start leaving?”

Fox remained perfectly still as he answered, helmet still on. “There are over a million of us—I’m sure at least some will leave. But probably very few. We still don’t have citizenship or any form of assistance.”

Riyo sighed. “Yes, I know. We’re working on that, but I’m worried that even after such assistance is made available, many soldiers will be reluctant to leave the only profession they know behind.”

“That’s likely to be a problem, yes.”

“In light of this concern, I’d like to make a request of you, specifically.”

“Yes, ma’am?”

Riyo motioned for him to sit, and he reluctantly obeyed, taking his helmet off without her prompting. Riyo leaned forward in her seat, understanding that what she was about to ask might mean much more to him than she could comprehend. “Will you be the first to leave the GAR?”

“I’m… not sure that I understand.”

“I can imagine that it may be difficult for many clones to imagine a life outside of the GAR, that the majority will want to remain soldiers simply because any alternative seems foreign and frightening. You’re the highest ranking member of the GAR. I believe if you set the example—show that it is nothing to be ashamed or afraid of—others will follow.”

Fox stared hard at Riyo, his eyes deep and unsettling in their intensity. She worried if she’d mortally offended him, but couldn’t imagine why.

“No, ma’am.”

“Pardon?”

“No, I won’t retire.”

Riyo’s eyebrows climbed high onto her forehead. This was the first time Fox had ever refused her anything. She’d known this might be a thornier issue than she understood, but she’d never imagined outright refusal.

“I know the legislation is not yet passed, but I can personally guarantee you lodging and a salary upon your discharge. You can even stay on as my bodyguard, if you’d like. It would purely be an opportunity for you to lead the way for your fellow soldiers.”

“I understand that, ma’am. I still won’t retire.”

Riyo stared hard at the inscrutable Commander, his passive expression betraying none of his reasoning. “Truly? I won’t force you, but is there any chance you might be persuaded?”

“None, ma’am.”

Riyo held his gaze for a long moment, then let her face fall into her hands in defeat. “If I can’t convince the one clone I know personally to retire from the GAR, then what chance do I have of convincing anyone else? This whole proposal is doomed to fail, isn’t it?”

“...I’m sorry, ma’am, I didn’t mean to upset you-“

“It’s not your fault. It’s important the people around me be honest with me and keep me grounded.”

“No, I-” Fox started, then cut himself off.

Riyo looked up at him through her fingers and was surprised by the unprecedented sight of Fox at a loss for words. His jaw ticked nervously and his brow furrowed, his brown eyes looking soft and uncertain.

“Your plan is a good one, Madam Chancellor,” he said eventually. “My reasons for not resigning are… specific to me. Please don’t take my personal issues as a fault in your legislative agenda.”

“...Then why…?”

The vulnerability vanished from Fox’s face, and he got to his feet, putting his helmet back on. “You’ll be able to find someone else to be the first to retire, ma’am. I’d suggest speaking with Commanders Cody or Thorn.”

Riyo narrowed her eyes at him as he retreated to his corner of the living room, tempted to order him back but knowing she’d get nothing from him like this. 

Riyo slumped back into the couch, closing her eyes and just breathing for several long minutes. Then she braced herself and hopped up from the couch, ready for another late night of writing memos, urgent phone calls, and digging into budgets. Maybe her plans wouldn’t work, but there was no direction to go but forward.

[megumis-lashes]

Love Bites

Vampire! Han Jisung x Reader Part 2

**Contains**: mentions of blood/blood drinking, parental abuse, bullying, fighting, slight swearing, emotional abuse, friends to lovers, werewolf Hyunjin, western high school standards, female reader

Flashback =

> Hello

Spending the weekend with Jisung was awkward to say the least. I knew it was in no way his fault. It was mine. I hadn’t had ‘friends’ in years and practically forgot how to act around other people. Thankfully his bubbly personality seemed to make up for everything I lacked. Following the weekend I knew I had to attend school. As much as I hated it, I knew that skipping would only spell more disaster for me in the future. I arrived to school with Jisung, looking somewhat put together despite my rough situation.

I never knew how knowing and interacting with certain people could gain. So. Much. Attention. I forgot just how popular Jisung really was. He wasn’t the most popular, but the majority of students could easily recognize him in a croud. Much to my dismay, people began to spread rumors about the situation. The biggest one was in regard to why I arrived with someone like him, or even talked to him for that matter. We had never talked outside of school before this. This reminded me of a similar situation. My parents being the way they are had signed me up for the school tutor program. Much to my dismay I had been assigned the school’s pretty boy, Hwang Hyunjin,as my student. Despite his constant attempts at becoming my friend, Hyunjin and I’s relationship was purely professional. I helped him out on school work and I would get more points for college. This didn’t stop the rumors though. Many jealous ‘fangirls’ spread rumors about us dating, which I didn’t appreciate. I would constantly get hate notes delivered to my locker.

I quickly dismissed Jisung and began my day. Today was pretty standard. I had two quizzes and some homework due, but nothing too bad. The only thing that scared me was what my lunch schedule held. Hyunjin had a huge unit test in chemistry today and he requested my help during lunch period. I hadn’t really given him an answer, but he said that if I showed up he could pay me. Right now I really needed the money so I was willing to accept a few more hate notes than usual. After my morning classes I showed up to lunch and sat by Hyunjin’s group of friends, surprising them in the process.

“Wow Hyunjin is this your girlfriend? I’ve seen you with her before.” One of the boys questioned. I think his name was Felix.

“No, no this is my tutor, name. She’s here to help me study for my chemistry unit test, I’m just surprised she showed up is all.” He chided as he rubbed his neck nervously. I could tell he was in no way ready for this test.

“Don’t worry the study session should be quick. I’ll make sure you’re prepared before the end of lunch. You should still have some time.” I explained as I shuffled through my backpack. I handed Hyunjin a small study guide I prepared for him.

“Here’s something I threw together. Read that over and tell me what you don’t understand. I’ll be over there when you’re done.” I smiled subtly as I walked over to the next table. Despite his popularity he was still a normal teenager.

As I had expected, helping Hyunjin during lunch drew some attention to me, especially from the ‘popular girls’ or whatever they like to be called. I never really minded their existence, but I could always feel their eyes burning into me whenever I hung around their ‘love interest’. Before lunch ended collected my payment from Hyunjin and went to use the restroom. I was fixing my hair in the mirror when those girls walked in.

“Oh if it isn’t name! That’s funny we were just looking to talk to you!” I sighed in annoyance. I was in no mood to talk with them for whatever reason. I never had many interactions with them, but they still managed to put me on edge. Their small group consisted of two juniors and one sophomore. Their leader ‘Mia’ was a relatively tall girl with long black hair who typically wore bright red lipstick. She was by far the worst out of them. Along with her was her close friend, Jiuen. She had bleach blond hair that she often styled in curls. The last girl was rather mysterious. I honestly couldn’t remember her name. She wasn’t one to stand out in a crowd and I don’t think she was a part of the group by choice. She had dark brown hair, styled in pig tails, and wore chunky blue glasses.

“Did you need something?” I sighed. I would have to leave for class soon.

“Ah yes!” Mia answered. “We’re here to make a deal with you!” I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion.

“What about?” I questioned

“So you see you’ve been hanging out with some popular people lately, and I guess you could say that I’m a bit jealous.” She giggled. “I hate to be that person but could you do me a favor and leave them alone? I need all the chances I can get in getting a boyfriend!” She explained.

I sighed. “Are you serious? If you’re talking about Hyunjin there’s nothing going on between us at all. Same with Jisung. We’re simply acquaintances who help each other out from time to time. I don’t see how it’s a problem.”

“Well I’m afraid that’s not convincing me. There’s no way I know anything about your relationships so you could be lying for all I know. I simply cannot trust your word on this!” She huffed. I rubbed my temples in annoyance.

“Look I swear I’m telling the truth. What would I even gain from lying? Plus there’s no way I can fully avoid Hyunjin as I am his assigned tutor.”

“Just request a change in students it’s not that difficult. I don’t see why you can’t just help me out this one time.” She groaned dramatically.

“Well what’s in it for me? You’re practically rewriting my life for your benefit only. I’m sorry but I’m not changing my entire schedule just so you can have a better ‘chance’!” I was getting sick of this conversation. I wanted to leave.

“Fine then you leave me no choice! I can easily destroy you.” She snickered.

“What do you mean?” She was making me anxious. She barely tried to convince me and she’s already pulling out her greatest asset?

“Well if you somehow managed to forget, I am the principals daughter. I could easily pull some strings. Maybe I could say you cheated! Yeah that’s a great idea! All the grades you worked so hard on would turn to dust! Then you’d be suspended for breaking school law! Oh and I’m sure your parents wouldn’t be so happy about that now would they?” She chuckled as she pulled out her phone.

“You can’t be serious Mia. This isn’t that deep.” I tried to stop myself from shaking.

“Oh I’m serious! It only takes a press of my finger to ruin you! If I send a report to my dad about you cheating, I know he’d believe me! You’re best option is to just agree to my conditions! There’s no way your parents would be happy with you being expelled!”

I was on the verge of tears. There was nothing I could do in this situation. She was right. There was no way I would be let of the hook for being expelled. This combined with all the stress I had been feeling in the past week led me closer and closer to breaking.

“Fine.” I stammered “You win. I won’t talk to either of them and I’ll ask to tutor someone else. Just please don’t mess with my grades. You know how much they mean to me.” I pleaded.

She giggled. “Finally you gave in! Alright then that’s a deal! I won’t ruin you, or at least not until later!” She exclaimed. I gritted my teeth, still trying to keep my composure.

“Come on girls let’s go!” She led the girls from the bathroom. Upon leaving she slammed into my shoulder, effectively pushing me into the wall. That hurt like hell.

“Haha so sorry! I must’ve not see you there!” She chuckled again and walked away with her group.

I cringed in pain as I felt the warm tears I had worked hard to withhold cascade down my cheeks. Wasn’t this an eventful week.

For the rest of the day I made it my duty to avoid the two boys at all costs. I could in no way afford that level of failure going on my record. I would be doomed for all eternity. Avoiding them wasn’t too difficult during classes. I was in much higher classes than Hyunjin and only shared a few classes with Jisung. Thankfully I had all my shared classes in the morning. At the end of the school day, I requested a new student to tutor. I claimed our timing didn’t work out and left a small note to Hyunjin explaining it was for personal reasons. I continued through my day as unaffected as I possibly could act. I attended volleyball practice until 6, then took a different route back to Jisung’s house in hopes of avoiding him completely. I managed to sneak in through his back door (AN: no pun intended) since he had given me a key. I only saw him once that night for a brief moment. He questioned why he didn’t see me and I explained that I had volleyball and homework to do. I also warned him that he probably wouldn’t see me much after school so that he wouldn’t worry. The next morning I left before he woke up.

Over the course of the next few weeks I was successful in avoiding both Hyunjin and Jisung. Jisung did seem a little suspicious of seeing me extremely rarely, but he didn’t push his questions since I helped with chores and even payed him a portion of the money Hyunjin had given me. Hyunjin on the other hand was extremely bothered over my sudden change in schedule. He would constantly try to approach me at lunch or during class and as much as it pained me, I would force myself to ignore him or walk away giving him some dumb excuse. I knew he didn’t believe anything I said. The most persistent thing he did was leave me letters. I read the letters but I never replied. He would often describe his day and somehow always end up on the topic of tutoring. He explained how he was assigned a new tutor, except it was a girl that was a year under him. Despite how advanced she was in classes, she knew little of the junior material and was even more confused than Hyunjin. With his constant begging for me to come back I constantly felt terrible about my decision. As much as I appreciated his efforts at keeping in contact with me, there was one small issue. He. Was. Extremely. Obvious. Practically the entire school knew he left envelopes in my locker, many of them believed the notes to be love letters.

Today was no different. I was returning to my locker at the end of the school day only to find another note. Upon first look it was easy to understand why people thought the notes to be out of love. Hyunjin wasn’t exactly great at portraying his emotions and could be rather dense at times. He used a baby pink envelope and decorative stationary that I could only assume belonged to a female in his family. In today’s note he described how desperate he was to have me as a tutor again. His current tutor recently passed out from what Hyunjin had described as ‘confusion’ and had been too embarrassed to show up to tutor sessions the past couple sessions. When Hyunjin attempted to ask for a new tutor, the teachers refused as he had changed tutors once that month already. I chuckled. I could tell he was panicking while he wrote the letter. His messy handwriting was a stark contrast to the beautiful card. He could be dense at times but I knew he was a smart kid, he could manage without me for a while. What I failed to notice at the time were the burning stares drilling into my back.

“Hi name! It’s a nice day today isn’t it! You wouldn’t mind going on a small walk with us would you?” My small smile quickly faded. That voice, I could recognize it anywhere. It was Mia and by the overly ‘happy’ tone of her voice I could tell she wasn’t too happy with me. As much as my gut pleaded me not to follow her I couldn’t risk anything.

“Sure.” I murmured. I quickly finished packing my backpack and shut my locker, following the three girls. The girls stopped at a small shady spot at the back of the school. They weren’t lying it was nice out. It was a clear fall day, the sun shining beautifully in the sky. Despite all this I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy it. I was scared shitless of what they were going to say. Mia quickly faced me.

“So what do you have to say for yourself? Liar.” I creased my brows in confusion.

“What do you mean? I haven’t broken our agreement?” I really hoped they withheld their part of the deal.

“Well name you aren’t very subtle. I thought with how smart you are you would know better!” She scoffed.

“I’m still confused as to what to what you mean?” I was seriously starting to panic at this point.

“Just give up already. You don’t have to play dumb for me anymore. I know you broke our agreement. Your little relationship with Hyunjin is pretty obvious if you ask me. Sure you may have stopped tutoring him but I see how he leaves letters for you. You read every single one and you even chuckled while reading today’s ‘love letter’. You’re not a sly as you think!” She exclaimed. I knew she was mad now.

“No, no, no you’ve got it all wrong! I’m in no secret relationship with Hyunjin and I never reply to his letters! He’s just struggling in class and wants me to tutor him again but I’ve told him I can’t-“ Time seemed to freeze at that moment. What woke me from my trance was a sharp pain to my left cheek.

She slapped me.

I was frozen out of pure shock. As I blinked out of it I could feel warm drops of blood stream from a small cut on my check. I definitely didn’t expect her to get physical.

“That’s what you deserve you deserve you bitch! How dare you! I went easy on you! I made an agreement and you just had to ruin everything! That’s it! Two can play at this little game of yours! By Friday I’ll make sure to ruin you and make sure the whole school hears your embarrassing little sob story as well!” She screamed as I collapsed to the ground. My shaking legs had finally given out a look of shock still painted on my face. She began to walk away. I stumbled forwards towards her.

“Wait! No! No! No! You can’t do this to me! What did I ever do to you! I never did anything-“ She cut me off by yanking my hair. I sobbed out of fear and despair.

“Shut up. YOU ruined my chances. YOU broke the deal! Think of this as ALL. YOUR. FAULT!” She finished her argument by slamming her hand bag in my face. I cringed in pain as the metal clasps made contact with my skin. That was sure to bruise later. Following their leaders departure, Jiuen walked over to my slumped form. She shuffled in her bag and pulled out a small carton of milk. She quickly tore open the carton and dumped it over my head. I sobbed and coughed in disgust. The third girl did absolutely nothing besides stand there and look down at me in pity. She quickly ran after the other girls.

“Why me?”

I sat there for what felt like hours but was probably along the lines of 15 minutes. I felt disgusting to say the least. I had never wanted to shower this much in my life. I took of my bag, thankful it was still clean, and began to dig around. I quickly found an old gym shirt and used that to somewhat clean my face.

The walk home was humiliating. I could feel the stares of students and teachers alike burn into my back. I kept my head low. The walk itself felt like torture. I was exhausted, both mentally, emotionally and physically. I was also still in pain. I could feel blood ooze from the cuts on my face and the bruises begin to form. I’d probably have to buy some concealer to hide the bruising. Upon arriving to the house I quickly stumbled inside. Once I reached the living room I realized my mistake. Jisung was home and was staring right at me.

“What the fuck happened to you?” He questioned almost flying off the sofa. He must’ve been playing games before my arrival.

“Oh, uhh nothing really. I just uhh... tripped is all. Don’t worry I’ll go take care of it.” I knew it was probably the worst excuse of the decade but I really didn’t have the energy to make a better one.

“Bullshit! You have bruises and scratches almost exclusively on your face! Plus I can tell you’ve been avoiding me!” He exclaimed as he approached me “Name you don’t have to act strong all the time. I can tell you’re not ok. Please tell me what happened... if you can.”

It didn’t take another word from Jisung for me to breakdown in a mess of tears. It was about time. The amount of stress I had been experiencing was extremely unhealthy. Combined with the fact that I wasn’t allowed to express emotions at home, the pressure was too much.

“I-I got into a f-fight.” I sobbed. “I really don’t know what I did wrong! They had to blackm-mail me for what? Having friends?” I buried my head in my hands. I was broken. “They got mad at me for being by you and Hyunjin! They, they threatened to ruin me! All my hard work! My hours of unhealthy studies! All to make my parents happy! But they just had to destroy it all out of spite!” I coughed as I felt the salty tears slip onto my lips. My sobs were cut off when I felt strong arms wrap around my middle.Jisung had hugged me. I couldn’t remember the last time someone had given me a hug. As happy as I should of been, the physical contact simply made me sob harder.

“Slow down, slow down! I know you’re upset and I’m here for you! Just go at your own pace. I’m not gonna go anywhere until you’re done.” He patted my back. I tried to calm my breathing and began to explain. Explain everything, from when I had been kicked out to when the girls had first blackmailed me to when they attacked me for Hyunjin’s notes. It was exhausting to just remember those events. Then I explained everything about my parents. How difficult they were. Nothing mattered besides numbers and results.

“They could care less about my existence as a person, or their daughter. “ I explained. We were now seated on his large sofa, his hand holding mine out of comfort. The whole time I explained my situation I could tell he was listening. He started at me attentively with a kind look in his eyes.

“I never knew we were so similar.” He chuckled as he scratched his neck.

“What do you mean.” I questioned, drying the tears from my face.

“The whole parent thing I mean. My parents are incredibly hard on me as well. I’m the next in blood line per say, and because of my familial ranking I take an important family position once my parents die. They aren’t necessarily that focused on grades like your parents are but they care a lot about field performance. That doesn’t mean I can slack in school though.” He sighed. “Other than that they barely pay any attention to me. They let me figure out everything on my own. By the age of 12 I practically lived alone. I’ve been an adult for almost the entirety of what should’ve been my childhood.” He sighed. “Anyway thank you for explaining it to me I know it’s been difficult for you. As much as you dislike them, let’s make a deal.”

“About what?” I blinked myself awake. I was starting to get really tired.

“No more secrets. Don’t keep this sorta stuff to yourself from now on ok? It does more harm than good. I’m always here to listen!” He smiled. I could feel my checks warm at his smile. It was cute.

“Alright then.” I smiled bashfully. “Pinky promise?”

“Pinky promise!” He confirmed, quickly wrapping his pinky around mine.

“Now I hate to be rude but you should really take a shower.” He scratched his neck as he chuckled.

“Hey! I went through a lot today!” I chided

“I know, I know. How about you go shower and then we can watch a movie! Maybe it’ll help you feel better!”

“Actually... that sounds really nice. But what about my homework? And my grades?” I completely forgot that school existed.

“Ahh don’t worry about it! I’ll do your homework for you when you shower! I already did mine so it’s fine! About your grades, just leave it to me! I’ll talk to them tomorrow ok!” He exclaimed.

“Are you sure?” I questioned. I’d feel guilty if he did all that for me.

“I’m sure! Now go!”

I started to walk to my room to go shower when I stopped.

“Hey Jisung?”

“Yeah? What’s up?”

“Thank you.”

I smiled. My first true smile in a while.

[ofmargos]

chicago’s very own margo rosas has been spotted on madison avenue driving a mercedes-AMG G65 , welcome ! your resemblance to camila mendes is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty-third birthday bash  . your chance of surviving new york is uncertain because you’re distrusting , but being passionate might help you . i think being a scorpio explains that . 3 things that would paint  a  better picture of you would be lipstick stained kisses on mirrors , doing vocal warm-ups five minutes before top of show , popping bottles of bubbly to celebrate buying a new pair of shoes . ( my biological dad paid off my mom to keep my relation to him a secret ) & ( cis-female + she / her  ) +  (  lia , 20 , she / her , cst )

whAT is up my dudes ! i’m lia & i lowkey missed wealthy & writing for my bbygirl margo so i’m rlly excited to be here !!!! if you know her from before i’m sorry lmao i’ve tweaked her background a bit but everything else is p much the same ig ?? she’s fun , she’s a dumbitch , & she’s here to make things harder than they need to be probs . but if you wanna know more , i wrote a novel below so plz enjoy that . if you wanna plot then LIKE THIS & i’ll slide in your im’s.or if you prefer discord hmu @  𝐛𝐛𝐧𝐨$𝐚𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐥#1904. i look forward to writing with y’all ! <3

S T A T S ↴

-- * FULL NAME : margaret lucia rosas -- NICKNAME(S) : margo ( preferred name , started introducing herself to people as “margo” back in like the 7th or 8th grade ??? who’s margaret ? we don’t know her ) , mar , mars -- * AGE : twenty-three -- * D.O.B : october 31 -- * ZODIAC : scorpio -- * GENDER : cis-female --* ORIENTATION : heterosexual heteroromantic -- * HEIGHT : 5′2″ -- * NATIONALITY : american -- * BIRTHPLACE : chicago , illinois -- * OCCUPATION : broadway performer -- * TRAITS : passionate , creative , dramatic , distrusting , outgoing , ambitious , fun-loving , loyal , daring , sarcastic , stubborn , overconfident , impulsive , hard-working , petty , secretive lowkey

B I O G R A P H Y ↴

( TW : BRIEF MENTIONS OF ABORTION, ALCOHOLISM, AND DRUG USE )

   first things first , i’m just going to say it-- margo was an accident . and her story begins with her mother , stassia , who was born and raised on the wrong side of the tracks in chicago , illinois . although she was born into poverty , she had big aspirations for herself and wanted a better lifestyle . her ambition and work ethic were unmatched , and that’s how she managed to get into columbia university ( thank you scholariship $$ ). stassia was in the middle of struggling through her college years when she met her future baby daddy . he was older , going through grad school , and the sole heir to a billion-dollar company . the sparks between them flew instantly despite their differences and they messed around for the better part of a year before the unexpected happened . stassia found herself taking a pregnancy test in the bathroom in between finals ( #justcollegethings , amirite ) and swore she was going to pass out when she noticed the double lines . and let’s just say that her baby daddy did NOT take the news well . a lot of horrible things were said that day . too many hurt feelings for the relationship ( that apparently was never that serious to homeboy ) to carry on . ( TRIGGER WARNING !!! ) so he cut all ties with stassia-- but not before giving her a crazy proposition : get an abortion and never talk to him again OR keep the baby but tell absolutely no one it’s his and never talk to him again . they both seemed like shitty options to stassia , who was actually tragically in love w him , but when he even offered to PAY HER a hefty sum ( i’m talking millions of dollars ) to keep the secret .. well-- it seemed like a blessing in disguise . she’d finally have the funds to live the life she always wanted . even if there was now a baby she didn’t plan for in the mix . so she took the hush money , had the baby in secret , and ran off to completely reinvented herself . ( TRIGGER WARNING END )

    although margo’s mother was born into poverty , margo certainly was not . by the time she was born , margo’s mom was ramping up to graduate college and join the high society in the heart of chicago . she got a good job , a lavish place to live , and never told margo about her past . margo grew up completely disconnected from her mother’s side of the family and had no idea of the lies she was being fed over the years . early on in margo’s childhood , her mother met a man through work who she would later go on to marry . that man is the only dad that margo has ever known . he and his daughter were a welcomed addition to their little family , making margo’s home life feel complete in some way . she was provided a good life with the dual income adding to the millions her mother kept . the life her mother always wished she had growing up . in a way , everything she did was for margo . she never wanted her babygirl to struggle like she had to .

   as she got older , margo went to all the best schools but only made average grades . she was never too concerned with academics and instead focused on her poppin’ social life and extracurriculars . during her middle school days , she developed an affinity for the performing arts . when everyone had to pick an elective , margo found herself in the theatre class and absolutely loving it . and she was good too . she had excellent stage presence and took every role she got in school productions in stride -- literally the best tree number 3 you’ve ever seen in your life . as she moved on to high school , she rose in the ranks of the theatre department until she was pretty much landing every single lead by the time she was an upperclassmen . acting was her passion , and she figured why not turn being dramatic and talking a lot ( her two most notable personality traits ) into a career . to really hone the craft , she trained herself to be a triple threat : actor , singer , and dancer ( sutton foster , eat your heart out ) . honestly truly had rachel berry in early seasons of glee vibes-- she knew she was the best around and wouldn’t stand to let anyone take the spotlight from her . her peers hated to love her talents because she acted like such a bitch to them offstage / out of character . not that margo really cared for what others thought of her anyway . self absorbed as ever , she told herself she didn’t need friends and generally pushed away any one that dared try to get close to her-- save for her sister . though somehow , someway she managed to get sucked into a small group of friends that would change her for the better ( s/o to ky and gio , sorry they had to put up w bitchy hs margo , rip )

   after graduating somewhere in the middle of her class , margo followed in her mother’s footsteps and went to columbia university . she was really only able to get in because she was a legacy and her parents made a considerable donation to the school , but we don’t talk about it . and to say that margo’s college years were transformative feels like an understatement . on one hand , they were some of the best years of her life : she got a true taste of independence , met some of her best friends ( s/o oliver and claudia ), and felt fulfilled to be in the city she had romanticized for so long-- new york baby ! but it was also a very low point for her . back in her high school years , she felt like a very big fish in a teeny tiny pond . she was hot shit , the top dog in her department , and all her hard work and effort to remain leading lady had paid off . however , at columbia she was just one in hundreds of talented people . some with more or less talent , or more or less connections , but they deserved a shot at fame just as much as she did . margo felt like she was fighting for her chance in the spotlight every single day and it was both parts exhausting and humbling for her . she had a amy march mentality “i want to be great, or nothing” and considered throwing in the towel . temporarily thrown off by the pressure to be successful , she took a small tumble from grace . ( TRIGGER WARNING !!! ) turning towards alcohol was her coping mechanism of choice . losing herself in the party scene and surrounding herself with other people that prioritized getting drunk or high over going to class and getting good grades had an obvious effect on her academic performance . ( END TRIGGER WARNING ) she almost lost her place in the BFA Theatre Program during her junior year due being on academic probation . it took a little bit of intervention on her close friends and family part to get margo clean and pull herself together . but by her senior year , she got back on track to graduate on time and participated in various shows at local theaters to build her resume . after almost losing everything she had ever worked for , a fire was lit under margo that had her determined to push herself hard than ever before and make a name for herself in the theatre world . 

   after she graduated from columbia she moved to new york permanently so that she could fully submerge herself in her work . not long after graduating , she was lucky enough to book several gigs including her big breakout role as lydia in beetlejuice the musical ! it really skyrocketed her into broadway stardom which is cool . a life long dream that once seemed unobtainable was suddenly a reality and she couldn’t have been more elated . with her sudden ( and well deserved ) success , she got a lot of media attention . soon she was getting verified on twitter , instagram , gaining a whole bunch of followers , and getting asked to be on talkshows and stuff to promote the show . honestly , truly a dream ! but her new-found fame gained the attention of another group of people .. her mom’s long lost family . one of her aunt’s ( that she previously didn’t know existed ) reached out to her through social media . and at first , margo honestly couldn’t believe that she had family that her mom never told her about . but after some thought it sort of made sense . in hindsight , her mom had always been evasive whenever margo asked about the other’s childhood or her side of the family .

   when margo told her mom about her aunt reaching out and how she wanted to meet her , her mom shut it down quick . stassia told her there were a lot of reasons that she didn’t talk to that side of the family and that was that-- PERIODT . but margo was #rebellious and went to meet with her aunt anyway . and that’s how she found out about her brazilian roots and her big ol’ loving and supportive extended family . that whole experience made margo reconsider what other things her mom was keeping from her . and boy oh boy was that a rabbit hole she shouldn’t have gone down . when margo started to demand her mother tell her the truth , it caused their relationship to grow tense . stassia eventually cracked and told her about her bio-dad and all the things she went through for margo . with the truth finally being exposed to her , margo started seeing things in a new light . like her whole life is kinda a lie and why didn’t her father want her ? where was he ? does he know who she is ? why did he never try to contact her ? has she ever walked past him in the streets and never knew ? it was all too much for her to think about so she just kinda ... shut it all out . she acted like nothing was different , even if her “ what if ” thoughts keep her up most nights . 

   if you just ignore the abandonment issues , insecurities , and her inability to handle emotions and focus solely on her success in material terms : margo’s doing really well ! she’s been living in new york full time for two (2) years now . she’s one of broadway’s most popular rising stars . having completed her run as the original lydia deetz on broadway , she’s moved on to take on the mantel of janis in mean girls on broadway . she’s learning , growing , and thriving . just trying to have a good time all the time with her friends and live the dream , baby !

P E R S O N A L I T Y  &  F U N  F A C T S ↴

margo is super fun-loving and down to clown 

will try anything once and it’s gotten her in trouble more times than she can count

also cannot stand to be bored , so she’s always looking for the next big adventure 

although she can be really ridiculous sometimes , she’s very serious when it comes to her work . she’s super hard-working and doesn’t let anything or anyone stand in the way of achieving her dreams : even herself

margo’s a very sociable girl and will talk to anyone and everyone . she’s the type that will hold a conversation for 2hrs with a stranger at a party and then when you ask her “who was that” she’s like “i don’t remember their name but i do know their entire life story so that’s cool”

has a way of making people feel like they know her really well when really she’s only letting them see 1/8th of her

keeps her personal life private normally unless you’re super good friends w her

i wouldn’t recommend pissing her off , bc she is petty as a mf and will lit rally never forget how one’s wronged her . this causes her to start fights sometimes . she’ll just bring up old shit out of no where and , since she’s nosy af , she makes everything her business and confronts people on their bs

she’s a whole liar bc she claims she’s a “retired party girl” but really party girl margo has never stopped , will never stop , can never be stopped

studied theatre in college but minored in mass communications just in case she needed a backup job

is v bad at being an adult !!!! like ... can’t cook , often forgets about her responsibilities until the last minute or needs to be reminded like 20 times , stills calls her parents to be like “how do u use a washing machine plz help” , y’know the drill . yet somehow she manages to act as a mom friend to the people that are closest to her ??? v much a “do as i say not as i do” type of hypocrite lol

she has a tiktok and posts dumb shit on there all the time w her friends and like vlogs her backstage experiences in the theater and does the stupid dances and all that stuff hehe

is learning portuguese after meeting the brazilian side of her family

self-proclaimed dancing queen and it’s not because she learned ballet , jazz , and tap whole dabbling in other styles but because when she’s drunk you will in fact catch her dancing on tables !!!!!

i cannot stress enough how bad she is at dealing with her own feelings . like ... instead of dealing with them head on she just ... shuts down . runs away . will ghost on someone she really likes just bc she’d rather leave first than get left and i hate her for it

have i mentioned how big her ego is ???? pHEW . she rides a v fine line between self confident and OVER confident . but tbh it’s just a cover up for how much she rlly hates herself , there i said it

loyalty is EVERYTHING to margo . if you got her back , she’s got your back . but if you screw her over or mess with anyone she loves then she’ll likely try to make your life a living hell IM SORRY

undiagnosed insomniac . nights she spends alone in her own bed are the hardest for her because it’s when all the bad scary thoughts creep up on her and no matter how much she wants to shut them out and just close her eyes and fall to sleep , she can’t . so she’ll often roam the city looking for a distraction or hit up her friends and bother them for some spare company

she’s doesn’t like to be alone ( not like in a romantic relationship sense -- she actually likes being single bc she’s afraid of letting ppl get close enough to hurt her ). hence why she’s always had a roommate even after she moved out of her parent’s house . if she’s not attached to her roommate / best friend kylie’s hip then she’s definitely hitting up her sister or her other friends to see if they want to hang out , even if hanging out is laying around doing nothing or running errands together . margo wants to tag along just for the company

notoriously known for coming up with terrible ideas or following through with other people’s terrible ideas without question bc #YOLO

she’s her pr agents worse nightmare simply bc she has no filter and will not change herself or what she posts just bc she has a big audience ( follow margo on social media and you’re gonna see the good , the bad , and the ugly she does not give a FUCK )

always has good intentions ! her execution / way of showing those intentions is just poor !

she is a rich girl that could not survive not being rich and doesn’t even realize how spoiled she is . spends money like it’s nothing

a mob boss ( this is a joke but also kinda not a joke )

WANTED CONNECTION PAGES HERE 

[shy-magpie]

RQG 142

I used up all my delayed gratification avoid spoilers and not listening to a season a day; so in an act of optimism over evidence I am going to listen before bed instead of waiting for my lunch break at work. Come on dead!Shoin! It would be the perfect punchline to Zolf refusing to play, if Yoshida was killed by his own trap. I think I was wrong about Zolf's spell sobering up Skraak but we've got to be nearing the 24 hour mark in the next couple episodes. They have to sleep sometime. Eep! Streaming promo! Rusty Towers has to be doing well if they can branch out, good for them! What can I say I like rituals? Thank yous followed by the theme and intros make my brain light up. Alex went 3rd person over the stress of the series being up to 142? Time to poke the corpse. Exploding 20s sound fun but a pain to plan for. Body is in a state of disrepair. Panel open in the room indicates the bolt came from a trap Body is gross Adventurer not Shoin? We can't search the corpse? Not even for Alex's traditional wallet of backstory? Can't picture the layout (ETA  Babs you are amazing, and your map is my RQG post for tomorrow.) Explanation for this area having power, I just like hearing Cel talk. Locker by each door. No Alex, we don't trust them to be normal lockers. Fire ax, weird wrench, box. Box contains: Solvent, glue, a dead potion, means of applying glue/solvent Cel sounds like they are consoling themself for this not being a puzzle Zolf is not a public speaker, but I think I got the gist of it. Take the tool kits: we will need them whether this is a puzzle or not. Another dead trap. Thanks for the careful wording, Alex *Foul water pool surrounded by a walk way *2 dead kobolds :( *Killed by acid in the face from a creature I am tempted to mark the turnings but given the weird layout I don't think I could track it right even if I could juggle my MP3 player, this post, a pen and paper. Once again just going to trust them to spell out what's important. Yeah they would check for traps at every door. Ooh active trap. Its a well balanced team, nice to hear them give eachother credit for their respective strengths so readily. Dark hall way of options They are honest, and admit they are probably not checking for traps as they walk. Oh good Zolf doesn't actually have a Thing about Dancing Lights. It really was just a "could we not make it easier for people to shoot us?" coupled with a possibly IC trouble relating to how much moving around in the dark stinks without Dark Vision. Ha they immediately spot a tripwire they would have missed if they just had Zolf & Azu lead them in the dark. Chalk marking, ensuing discussion of what it means. Is that Zolf or Ben who is losing it over the puzzles? Cel, do you need a variation on the "a live dog is better than a dead lion" speech I nearly wrote when Hamid went after that ooze? Because dead scientists can't write up their findings. Love ya both, if you have to die, please not to something you could have just walked away from. Of course Zolf is going to indulge them; he took to Cel fast as Sasha and Cel is less squishy than L1 Sasha. Oh darn I have to be fair, learning what the symbols mean could be life saving later on. The glaive really is a 10ft pole, I was joking when I asked that. I hate the word "seemingly". Alex, don't break Ben. Hmm, this is actually pulpy fun. Getting us back to base levels after really intense beginning of the season or being readied for more emotional content? Most of the beats I'm expecting can't hit until they get off the island; could be the answers to the what's going on around here are intense. Final bets on it being Mr. Ceiling mark 1? Weird room with weirder floor. Clearly another puzzle. Once again how rich is this guy? That's a lot of money to go "I'm smarter than you are". Genre savvy is rewarded Dead wizard "I'm giving you this for free" is Alex implying that other info given without rolls has a price normally? Other room is completely flooded? Zolf suggests we mark the door.  Kinky Azu. Hamid switches mark to clearly writing the issue. This team backs a play,  so its now a Rosetta Stone of warnings Partially flooded room but no real danger? Ah Zolf catches that we could lose our path back if we keep doing letting water out. Flooded & trashed lab Speakers burst to life Break time Its Yoshida, arguing with himself. Cel is a delight. Azu is "going to shake" Yoshida Swimming sounds like a bad idea. Oh, caught that tone from Zolf, does he think Poseidon would mess with them? Worrying since Alex keeps tossing water related potions at them. Zolf and Hamid are making decisions as equals. Hamid no longer sounds nervous and Zolf still isn't pulling rank crap. Even Skraak is worried about Zolf. Oh right, better is a relative term. Still pretty depressed (mechanicaly grief stricken). Ok not to get to into it, but Zolf's mental health arc is really good. Like no show is perfect but Zolf going from the Paris breakdown to clearly putting the work in on changing how he talks about himself and relates to the team, but it not being a cure all? All while still being a fully contributing member of the team? Pretty damn good to see. Back to first room. Cel does not understand where Zolf is coming from. Cel, Azu, and Zolf have a brief conversation about Zolf's mood. Have I mentioned how great Azu is lately? Player vs Character thing? Because even without Alex lamp-shading it, Lydia doesn't strike me as the "you must be chipper" type. Zolf and Cel interaction. Zolf wants to put a pin in this and have a proper conversation later. Not sure how I feel about promising to "keep a lid on it". On the other hand its hard to balance expressing the emotion vs ramping yourself up vs the needs of the rest of the team. So much for me not getting into it. Flip-side: hey, turns out I can acknowledge an actual flaw in Cel while still thinking they are awesome overall. Crates of potions, including the stuff from the syringe spears. wanna grab a sample this time? Because I'm thinking the stuff in the spears is the stuff that makes the Kobolds so docile and may be a prototype for the alchemical side of the blue veins. That sounds cathartic for Zolf. (looting the place then letting Zolf smash the rest) Azu smashes too. Good for both of them. Ah point Cel, stuff could have airborne effects. Point Zolf, 2 way street, Cel should let people know that kind of thing. Speakers, what is up with Shoin? Assuming this isn't a pre-programmed contingency (which I wouldn't have thought possible until watching Alex), why is he using the script from the puzzle party while half of the traps are broken? Getting meta again Well maintained nasty trap with really obscure poison 2nd trap?! Isn't going to kill anyone, thank Alex. What in the Magnus Archives? Dancing mannequin room with weird heavy gas? Going to crawl on the conveyor belt. Its trapped too. Acid damage to Azu. Into initiative.

Skraak got a nat 20

Azu was hit with a syringe arrow of acid. 

Azu backs out past Hamid & Skraak

A second trip wire drops a grate! Hamid and Skraak are trapped on the conveyor; everyone else is back in the room.

Zolf sees Cel dithering and directs them to deal with the grate. No effect

Azu takes 7 damage

Hamid uses acid splash on the grate.

Oh cool, there is an actual rule for how long it takes to get armor on and off. It makes sense too, the better the armor is the longer it takes. From what I picked up, better armor would have more straps for better fit and have more thick overlapping bits rather than gaps

All Zolf can do is a heal check and help Azu get her armor off.

Cel offers the antidote potion, but we don't know what it does.

Hamid reassures Skraak, continues to splash grate

Cel can't really do anything

More damage to Azu

Sweet out of initiative

Zolf cleans Azu off, Azu takes a couple healing potions and that’s dealt with. The acid splashes didn't do anything to the grate. Lift the grate attempt one. Ah "come on Skraak,  we're going to help" so wholesome Zolf wacks it with his glaive, it has some effect but not a viable plan Speakers again, Cel points out they might need to meet Hamid on the other side. ...long story short lever attempt has no chance of working. Zolf: Hamid, mate, you're on your own Hamid: I've got Skraak. (winks at Skraak, Skraak blinks at him) Is it having little brothers? He is good with Skraak! Zolf: chin up, don't die on the conveyor belt. Hamid: yup gonna try Zolf: cool anything we can give you? Hamid: I'm pretty well equipped I think. Zolf: all right well we'll see you on the other side. Azu: Yeah, we'll meet you there alright. We'll see you soon Hamid: yeah Azu: alright Hamid: stay safe Azu & Zolf: you too And the end of the episode out takes are always fun

[musings-on-bucky-barnes]

Q&A Part 3 with Owlet about The Infinite Coffee & Protection Detail series

Here is Part the Third of Owlet answering questions about The Infinite Coffee & Protection Detail series and also about her other writing. Some of the questions are from readers of the first Q&A, and some come from a Tumblr post of suggested questions for writers.

Warning for discussion of rape.

OWLET'S NOTE:

Thanks for all the cheers and good wishes on part 2! I'm glad people think the behind-the-scenes stuff is interesting and not just me being a windbag.

I was delighted that so many of you seem interested in my novel! It's not available anywhere yet: I still have to find an agent, and who knows how the heck long that's going to take? (I am NOT cut out for self-publishing.) But I certainly hope it'll find a home. If you want to keep up with me on tumblr (vmohlere) or twitter (virginiamohlere), I assure you that when such time comes, I will scream about it a LOT.

Pink floaty hearts, y'all.

  Reader questions:

From EssayOfThoughts:

 I know that you say that you like to imagine AOU doesn't exist, but I will admit (because I find Wanda deeply compelling and the twins story as a whole very interesting) that I've wondered a lot about how your Bucky would deal with the Maximoff twins? Like, on the one hand there's Wanda's ability to mess with minds, which he'd hate, but simultaneously (at least according to the AOU prelude comic) the twins was effectively radicalised by HYDRA while they were pretending to be SHIELD and expected to be their weapons which is not wholly dissimilar to Nat or Bucky. So if you're willing to acknowledge AOU just enough to ponder this I'd really like to know your thoughts! If not, of course, I understand.

Wanda’s not a character I’ve given much thought to. You’re right that her abilities would freak Barnes out. But he has a strict policy of observation before reaction, so he would give them a chance. And they’re so young (and so broken) that his protective instincts would kick in. I think they could probably count on some wary kindness, along with a dose of irritation at Pietro’s shenanigans.

From Ev42:

 Thing I can't stop thinking about today: babies. Specifically, Bucky + baby = ???

 I personally am a sucker for "Steve knows nothing, Bucky's a pro" thing re: babies. Mix that up with the Mission and the Briefing and what would we get? I keep think about, idk, maybe Sam has a niece or nephew, or one of the Olds has a grandchild or grandniece or something, and I just really want your thoughts on Bucky + baby... Please?

Barnes would be too worried about inadvertently hurting an infant to be willing to touch one, though he likes the directness of slightly older kids.

If in the presence of Steve trying to deal with an infant, the Briefing would definitely have a lot of commentary about everything he was doing wrong.

From Fred1085:

 I guess if I had one question though it would be: Do you always see Bucky existing as Barnes, the Briefing, and the Mission, or do you see a time in his future in which those aspects of him would be more integrated. Not through the magical Asgaridan science, but through his own force of will/healing?

  He definitely does become more integrated over time. The Mission is a protective identity, and as he needs it less, it recedes. The Briefing is literally his memories, which he does recover many of over time, though that’s a long and painful process. There’s a lot of regression throughout the long-term forward progress. But he keeps some of the habits, like “confirm” and “deny.”

 MusingsOnBuckyBarnes:

 After “This, You Protect”, the Mission went to ground so to speak for a bit and Bucky was distressed at its loss, at it not communicating with him. But over time as he heals and it recedes, he wouldn’t be so upset?

Exactly. When the Mission’s going quiet is part of the organic process of healing, he misses it but isn’t upset by its loss.

From stentorian_lore_n:

 Did Bucky and Steve ever make a donation to Sam's VA?? :)

Yes, of course! But Sam had to be bullied into buying a better chair for himself, because he wanted all the money to go to programs.

There’s a lot of red tape involved with how much money the center can receive in donations, so Steve & Bucky give that much each year, even much later, when Sam does in fact move to NYC to become an Avenger.

From englishghosts:

 Also, since you're taking questions, I'd like to ask you something. (TW RAPE)

Although Bucky suffering sexual abuse and torture "for fun" during his time with HYDRA makes perfect sense in my head (70 years in the hands of powerful white men who had complete control over him, it's difficult to imagine nobody got ideas), especially with the imagery of the bank scene, it's something we don't see that often in fics outside certain areas of fandom. I'm really glad you included this, because for me it not only makes it more realistic, but also it brings an extra layer into Bucky reclaiming himself and being comfortable with touching and his feelings for Steve. So the question is what made you decide to include it in this fic?

Like you say, powerful men with a powerful man under their complete control, over the course of 70 years – to me, it’s a given that among the many abuses he suffered was sexual abuse. It was always part of the character, for me, one of the many layers that he needed to work through to reclaim both his body and his self.

I started to think that the romantic-physical relationship with Steve was an inevitable part of Barnes’s healing process, because he and Steve really just do love each other SO much. The more I thought about it, the more I could see that given the style that I’d set up, writing Barnes’s reactions to things kind of obliquely, would be SUPER FUN for writing about bodies and sex. I cackled my whole way through writing that section.

And, you know, there were a lot of commenters who were like “hey man where’s the smut?” – a few of them NOT SO NICELY. I’m glad I stuck it in its own section, though, because I know there are also a lot of people who like to only read the gen parts.

From Selkieinthesea:

How did you come up with the curses? My favorite is “Lenin’s pickled scrotum.” It makes me laugh every time I think of it. I’d use it, but I have toddlers so then I’d have to explain what pickling is, what a scrotum is and why you’d pickle one.

That is a mystery and a blessing from the part of my brain from which jokes arise. Every one of them delighted me. “Lenin’s pickled scrotum” hearkens back to college jokes in Russian History class about how they embalmed Lenin with a mixture of Twinkie filling and maraschino cherry juice, and of course scrotums are always hilarious, I don’t know how people who have them even deal.

from Ev42 (about the fic “Love Is for Children”):

 Nicholas. Anything to do with Nick Fury? Bc I think that'd make his faking-my-death-without-telling-Natasha sting that much more. Ouch.

 I'm trying to imagine how Nicholas meeting the gang would go. I... have no idea? Barnes would bake, of course, but what? The Olds would be happy. Barton already knows. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what the hurt/happy ratio for the rest would be

I actually have a tiny bit of this written out – it was originally going to be another piece of ICaPD, but I couldn’t get it to have any kind of arc to it, and the pacing was just BALLS.

Anyhow, yes, Nicholas is named after Nick Fury. His sperm donor is no one of import, and the only one of the Avengers who knows about him is Clint.

The snippet I never wrote involved Bad Guys kidnapping Nicholas & Steve/Barnes/Nat/Clint/Sam going on a rescue mission.

In this universe, Nat & Clint have a couple of Barton-Romanoffs, of whom Nicholas is the first (Clint adopts him). Tony & Pepper likewise have several kids in this universe.

  The remaining questions are from a “Fanfiction Writer Asks” Tumblr post by criminal-minds-fanfiction:

Do you prefer writing OC’s or reader inserts? Explain your answer.

I haven’t written a reader-insertish kind of thing since I wrote a Duran Duran scifi AU when I was 14 years old. Original characters are where it’s at.

What is your favourite genre to write for?

Fantasy, for sure. Tho romance tends to worm its way into most of my stuff.

If you had to choose a favourite out of all of your multi chaptered stories, which would it be and why?

I think This, You Protect has better pacing than The Long Road Begins at Home, and writing it helped me fall back in love with writing.

If you had to delete one of your stories and never speak of it again, which would it be and why?

Um. Maybe my Loki poem? Tho I don’t think it’s necessarily bad.

When is your preferred time to write?

First thing in the morning, tho I’m grateful to be able to write almost any time. In the past couple of years, I've gotten into writing into the notepad on my phone, so I literally write any- and everywhere.

Where do you take your inspiration from?

Absolutely everywhere.

In your xxx fic, what’s your favourite scene that you wrote? [Any of your Bucky fics]

The chapter of Team-Building Exercises where Barnes & Pepper go to France is something I’m so proud of. I think I did pretty well with the action and the pacing in that one, and I love writing Pepper.

Their first Thanksgiving, with the Sandwich of Suffering, is also a favorite.

In your xxx fic, why did you decide to end it like that? Did you have an alternative ending in mind? [The Long Road Begins at Home]

It was always going to go Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving.

If you write OC’s, how do you decide on their names?

ARGH NAMES. What a pain. Second only to titles in terms of terribleness. I try to roll a few names around and chew on them until I find the one that feels right.

Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them?

I have notes for 3 more sections of Infinite Coffee and Protection Detail – one that’s pure fluff, one that’s an action scene, and one at the very end of their lives. But I dunno. For one thing, the last one is unbearably sad. And I don’t really have Barnes’s voice in my head anymore. I think it’s time to be done.

More about the action scene is answered in response to a reader question in the previous section. The Sad Ending is just too far off in tone that it doesn’t fit the series at all, so let’s leave it in a dark drawer. But Barnes & Steve live for a very long time and remain faithful to the successive generations of their Avengers family. And when they go, they reach the end of the line together.

The fluff scene is CAT JACK and will post on Friday, June 7. (it's not a full story, just a snippet)

Are there any stories that you wished you’d ended differently?

The epilogue chapter of This, You Protect has some cute jokes, but it’s pretty weird, and I kind of wish I’d left it off.

Do you prefer listening to music when you’re writing or do you need silence?

Depends on the day. I definitely like music when I’m Pondering, though.

How do you feel about writing smutty scenes?

LOVE IT

Do people know you write fanfiction?

People know about my MCU fic, yes.

What’s your favourite minor character you’ve written?

That’s like asking about my favorite child!! Hill is definitely up there on the list, though. Hair Club in general was fun to have around.

Has anyone ever guessed the plot twist of one of your fics before you posted it?

I wish I could remember what it was, but yes. That was really fun.

If you could write only angst, fluff or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why?

Smut, because I think the best smut is also really emotional, so it’s not like cutting out angst, fluff, or anything else.

xXx

The link to the full list of questions for fanfic writer is here:

http://criminal-minds-fanfiction.tumblr.com/post/172926526725/fanfiction-writer-asks

(EDIT: link appears to be maybe-broken?)

[freemeplz]

1st of all i looveee your fanfics❤️❤️. I have a request for a light smut fanfic where Eliot is found having another anxiety attack and Y/N, who is his friend and has feelings for him is comforting him. After that Eliot realizes that y/n is always there for him and things get steamy

Sorry if I’m a little rusty or if this sucks, I’m getting back on writing.

I have to do this thing where I look on my phone to see who asks me what, (but sometimes it doesn’t show a notification) and then I get on my laptop and write on this program I have. Then I have to wait till I can go to my relatives house (who has wifi) and copy and paste it on to tumblr. 

Extra Notes: It was a little bit more smuttier but I cut it down a notch, sorry if it is too much. Enjoy

hjiji

Anonymous

Asked Elliot Fic

Started on ¼/19

Nervous Lead into Love

New York was something you hated but loved at the same time.The sometimes-rude people would be the reason you hated it, but the gloomylooking weather was the thing you loved. The gloomy weather was your favoriteonly because it just seemed so still and calm. But, today was the day youworked while it was Elliot’s day off. The soft pattering of rain made it evenharder for you to get out of bed.

You had just woken up, Elliot still asleep. He had a littlebit of twitch, probably dreaming, but you relentlessly pushed yourself off thebed and headed to the shower. The apartment had been a lot less messy sinceyou’ve moved in. Not because you cleaned, even though if there was something topick, you would, but because Elliot wanted the apartment to feel comfortablefor you.

Smiling you get some clothes to shower, you lastly look overto Elliot. That person who was clenching onto a pillow, was someone you wantedto care for the rest of your life. A soft smile spreads across your face. Yougo to take a shower. The hot water coursing over your body, you couldn’t stopthinking about him. Sure, there is very few things that effect Elliot every nowand then, but so did you. Both of you accommodated each other. The relationshipwas like two cards leaning against one another. One needing the other to stand,if one were to leave, both wouldn’t be able to stay up on their own.

There was 30 minutes left to get to work, you dress quicklyin the restroom and open the door to find Elliot sitting on the edge of the bedwith his head in his hands. Your heart aching sensing something was wrong, youquickly walk over and kneel in front of him. He sniffles, “You have worktoday?” his voice shaky, he hides his face from you. Trying to look him in theeyes, “Yeah but I can ask for the day off, I’ll just call- “ He cuts you off,“No! Y/n, it’s fine.” his eyes continuously trying to avoid yours.

You chuckle, “Oh come on Elliot, it is fine, let me helpyou-“ trying to grab his hand, he yanks it away, “I said it’s fine!” He gets upand pushes past you and goes to the restroom, closing the door harshly. It’sbeen quite some time since something like this has happened. During thebeginning of the relationship it was a lot worse, Elliot never fully says whathe wants and needs, so you didn’t know if he wanted comfort or space, so itresulted in quiet arguments saying, “Do you even care?” and “ I don’t know whatyou want…” But, with you sometimes you weren’t sure what you wanted either whenyou had your moments. You feared going to deep and something messing up.

But this hasn’t happened I quite some time. It almost seemedperfect, now, you started thinking, maybe that this is it. Your heart startedracing and your breathing was deepening. You walked to the restroom door,“Elliot, I- I love you, text me if you uh- need me okay?” the water just turnedon and it was silent. Sighing, you grab your white hoodie, keys to theapartment, your wallet, and head out the door. But you hesitate contemplating,shaking your head, you continue. He probably just needs space.

Habits by Tove Lo was playing in your ears as you walked towork, everything that just happened was spinning around your head, wonderingwhat you could have possibly done wrong. Trying to avoid those thoughts thatmade you fear for the worse, you turn up the music and arrive at work. Avoidingeveryone, you head to your desk and slump in your seat. Music still at the samevolume, you can see some co-workers walking by with a curious look noticingyour mood.

The horrible feeling was just sitting in the pit of yourstomach, kicking and tugging on nerves. It made you want to throw up. It washorrible. Sitting in that same spot for the next hour got worse for you, anthat’s when you get a text. It was from Elliot, “Y/n” it read, and your heartdropped, this is it, the end of your relationship, the moment you feared. Thelittle bubble that said he was still typing finally went away but the messagenever came. It made your heart hurt, but you shot up from the desk and ran. Youstarted to text your boss that an emergency had happened, and you needed to go.And you ran, pushing past crowds of people, apologizing mumbles left your mouthalong with gasps for air. Something happened, you didn’t know if it was you orhim, but you wanted to fix it, you needed to fix it. No matter what hadhappened you were determined to keep this. What ever it was, you didn’t care,it was both of yours to care to.

Making it to the apartment you run up the steps and fumblewith the keys before finally opening the door. You hastily look around and findhim on the bed with his arms wrapped around his knees, phone next to him. Hiseyes were red, “My phone died and uh- I-I couldn’t find the charger and-“ butyou go to his side quickly and wrap your arm around him, “Shh, it’s okay ElliotI should’ve stayed” Your soft voice says. He had an anxiety attack when youwere gone, his body was shaking. He looks at you, “No it’s my fault I told youto go, - it’s just- I had- I had a dream you left- you left me” his voice wasweak, “And I got angry because it seemed so real and it- you- you had all theright reasons too” Your pulled yourself closer to him and whimpered, “Elliot Iwould never” you kissed his neck, the tears were almost coming out but you heldit together for him, “I love you, and nothing will ever change that” Your voicebarely a whisper.

His breathing had eased a bit, “And I didn’t- say I lovedyou” He looked at you, you grabbed the sides of his face, you looked at him.All of him, his weaknesses and strengths. They were yours too. This man is andwill forever be yours, “But I will always know that you do” You say with a softsmile, and his face very slowly eases up. He looked at you and realizes what hemeans to you and what you mean to him, even though he knows that part now.

Your eyes scan over his face, adoring him. They land on hislips, so soft, they’re always something you crave. He notices, and he looks atyours.  He changes his position to wherehe is on his knees, now taller than you. Elliot’s hand cups your face as youlook up at him, licking his lips he leans down, and your lips connect. Theother hand finds your side and pulls you closer to him, then roaming over toyour shoulder, tugging at your hoodie. Pulling it over and off, you too get onyour knees, and your arms wrap around neck and hands entangle his hair. One ofhis hands stays on your waist, holding you close, while the goes and kneadsyour ass. The kiss gets heated and you tug on his hair and he groans lightlythen biting your lip. You groan as his tongue enters your mouth, dancing andfighting.

Suddenly you realized how much you wanted to show him howmuch you loved him. Gently but commanding you push him back and he laid towardsthe headboard. Both of you were breathing hard, “I need this to be about you”You said, “I’m in charge” he tosses his head back and groans, “Fuck yeah” Yousmile and pull your shirt over your head and take your jeans off.

As you did that, he did this same. His briefs had a wet spotand you can see the outline of his dick. Your mouth watered at this sight, butyou had to ignore for now. As for now your underwear were soaked and youstraddled him. Your mouth on his neck leaving marks, under his ear is the spot whereit drove him insane. Hearing his little gasps and his straggled groans made youfeel so good. It was knowing that he felt really good is what turned you on. Bitinghis ear, you rubbed your core against his crotch. He moaned loudly and buckedhis hips trying to make more friction. But you made your way down slowly,leaving wet kisses on his neck, chest, stomach, till you finally had your mouthon top of his twitching dick. Looking up at him, he was watching you and hadhis lip in between his teeth. Smiling, you held his hips to kiss the tip ofcock through his briefs. He groans, but then you start to kitty lick thestained pre-cum. “Please Y/N!” He begs, “Don’t tease” he says breathless.

Complying, you grab the waistband and pull his briefs down,his cock springing up. You take it in your hand and he grips the sheets. Youspit on it to slick it up pumping it a few times, then looking up to himthrough your lashes you lick your lips and take him in your mouth. “Fuckingshit Y/N” Elliot tosses head back and reaches for your hair, pulling it allback. He was big and thick, you couldn’t fit all of him but you sure as hellwill try. Bobbing your head at your speed and sucking as hard as you can causedhim to buck his hips up and pushed your head down, making you slightly gag. Butyou let him do as he pleased, “Y/N I’m close” he mumbled, his eyes shut tight,you hummed, and he gripped your hair tighter at that vibrating sensation.

After a short while you felt him twitch in your mouth andyou quickly pulled off, his eyes shoot open and he looks why there was a lossat the sweet contact. “I want you to come in me” You say as you crawl up to hisface and kiss him, letting him taste himself. He hums in satisfaction. Hishands come to your ass and one kneads it while the other moves to the front andslips into your underwear, pinching your clit. A high-pitched scream escapesand you toss your head back, “I bet that felt so good, didn’t it?” His voicerough, eyes roaming over your body. His fingers leave your clit and runsthrough your soaking folds, “Look at that, so wet for me” You bite your lip andcontain a moan, he pushes a finger in and another scream escapes as you moveyour hips.

But like you did to him he pulls his finger out and whimper,“Taste that for me?” his voice soft again. His finger soaked with you is pushedinto your mouth and tastes sweet. He looks at you, tasting yourself and suckinghard on his finger. He bites his lip and pulls it out, then reaches to thebedside table, pulling a condom out. Taking it from him you rip it open andtwist yourself and slowly roll it on his cock. Air is sucked through his teethand he grips the sheets. You turn yourself back and grab his cock and lineyourself up, sinking down slowly. The head pops through and you feel your wallsstretch. “S’good” he mumbles, he grabs your hips and pushes you down a littlefaster. You scratch his abs, “Fuck” you yell, “I’m sorry, I-“ you shut him upby clenching and you did it to shut him up but he thrusts up making you feel alittle pain but a lot more pleasure, you moan.

You adjust for a while, no one moves, but when you were youmoved up and down and Elliot was starting to lose it again. “Elliot!” Youmoaned. Bouncing up and down, Elliot started to thrust up when you came downgiving him ecstasy. The sound of skin slapping, and moaning was delicious foryou, but your legs started aching and soon stopped and leaned on Elliot, hekept going until he flipped you guys over. You were now on your back and he wasbetween your legs. Elliot put one of your legs over his shoulder changing theangle making you scream in pleasure. He was absolutely just pounding into youat such a fast speed, you just lay there and enjoyed it. Eliot had sweat, andhis brows were furrowed together focusing. His thrust got sloppy and slurred inrepetition and soon he was sent over the edge by you clenching. He gave you onelast hard fuck, and he finished. You were close but he’s tired now, your tired.

After a while Elliot slid out of you, both of you groaned.Your legs ached, and you core pulsed. But Elliot just pulled the blanket outfrom under the both of you and covered yourselves. “Thank you… I love- you” Hewhispered into your ear and you smiled and drifted to sleep.

[hummingbirddrabbles]

Love Balls (The Poke balls, people)

Love Balls

Rating: E for Everyone, or K for Kids.

Setting: Johto, shortly after events of GSC manga

Ships: Primarily Mangaquestshipping, heavily implied Preciousmetalshipping

------------------------------------------------

Random Pond in Johto:

Crystal hefted the two Love Balls in her hands. It had taken a lot of searching to find the special pink apricorns, but it was going to be worth it. These Poké Balls, stained pink and engraved with white hearts were special. Kurt had boasted about their power in romance, how they caught Pokémon of opposite genders with such precision and accuracy.

But that’s not what drew Crystal to this particular Poké Ball. No, it was the parting line, tacked on almost carelessly.

“Rumor has it, these Poké Balls work best when handled by those young and in love.”

 Kurt’s a Poké Ball master, maker of such works as the GS ball that captured time itself. She knows it’s not just a rumor, that it’s a fact. The Poké Balls had glowed when she had first touched them, letting off a pinkish aura.

           “It’s working already,” Kurt had cackled.

She blushed and ran away, but not before bowing and thanking him. He was not just older than her, but more accomplished, and more knowledgeable. He deserved her respect.

Now she cradled the balls in her hands for one last time. “Hey, Gold!” she called.

“What, Super Serious Gal!” He yelled back, not moving an inch from where he was sitting with Silver.

           Crystal squinted. Were they playing rock-paper-scissors?  She hadn’t invited Silver along to this picnic, she thought as she grumbled to herself.

“I want you test something out for me!”

“Get Silver to do it!” Gold didn’t even look at her, too concentrated on the game.  

           “How!” he yelled at Silver, shaking his fist. Apparently, he had lost for the third time in the room. Silver just smirked.

           “Rematch?” He questioned. Silver shook his head.

“I think Crystal wants you.”

Gold grumbled, but finally, finally he was actually paying attention to her. The goggled boy sprinted to her.

“What do you want, woman?” He asked.

Crystal flinched. “I just want you try one of these out.” She held the Love ball outward. He took it, and she felt his fingers touch hers for a brief moment, sending sparks up her hand.

Gold scanned the ball critically. “It looks way too girly…” he said with disgust.  “Pink, and with hearts? Seriously, Super Serious Gal?”

Crystal would be offended, but his words meant nothing in comparison to the pink glow surrounding the ball in his hand. It was working.

The love ball in her own hand seemed to pulse, the pink aura growing stronger.

Rumor has it these balls work best when handled by those young and in love

She was going to put that to the test.

There was a lake, well more like marsh that contained wild Poliwhirl. Crystal had already caught a female one in preparation, and Gold owned, or had owned a male one.

If all went well, she should be able to capture a male Poliwhirl no problem, Gold a female one. Another reason she had picked Poliwhirl to test was that she knew Gold had always wanted a Poliwrath.

So her gift to him would be useful. With the power of the Kurt’s poke balls, and well … love, the capture should be easy.

It would be easy, she assured herself. What could go wrong?

“See, I just want you capture a Poliwhirl with that ball,” she explained to Gold. “Aim for the critical capture point.”

She was prepared to explain that as well. Gold wasn’t well known for being knowledgeable.

But instead of asking her, he turned to Silver.

“Hey, Silver, what’s the critical capture point thingy-majiggy on Poliwhirl?” he yelled.

“It’s the ring on his stomach, idiot!” Silver yelled back.

“Who are ya calling-!” Before Gold could get distracted again, Crystal grabbed his arm. Her control of the situation was slipping, and she need Gold to focus. On her.

“Just, just watch me capture one first,”

She chucked her Love Ball in the air, before striking it with her legs. The ball was sent flying toward an unsuspecting male Poliwhirl, hitting it dead-center in it’s ring.

           It would work. She was confident in this, if nothing else.

The Poké Ball merely bounced off.

           What? What?

She had aimed at the critical spot, she’d made sure it was a male poliwhirl…. What?

She heard laughter.

“And you call yourself capture pro!” Gold was heaving with mirth, as if this was the funniest thing to ever happen to him.

           She hated him at that moment. Like why’d she even bother?

She collected the discarded love ball from the ground, and tried again. After all, she wouldn’t give up. This was her duty, her mission.

It bounced off. She simply kicked it again. Another bounce. Another kick. She kicked harder and harder each time, until she was practically pounding at the poor Poliwhirl.

                       Why. Wouldn’t. It. Work.

“May I try?” Silver extended one gloved hand, and she all but shoved it into his possession.

She crossed her arms and scowled. Let’s see him do it.

           The ball glowed red in his hands, and Crystal was confused. She glanced towards Gold, and his ball was also glowing crimson. She didn’t have time to ponder the color change, because Silver was ready.

Silver threw the ball with a simple efficient grace. It arced towards the Poliwhirl’s critical point, sucking the hapless Pokemon in.

What?

Crystal waited on bated breath as the Poké Ball shook once, twice, three times. A perfect capture.

“What? How?”

Silver shrugged. “I owned Gold’s Poliwhirl for a very, very brief time. Must have registered in my pokedex.”

But Gold’s Politoed was male....

“You guys had your fun! Let me try!”

And there Gold was, injecting himself back into the fray. He eyed a random poliwhirl, before grabbing his pole cue. Whereas Silver’s throw had been practically spartan, Gold’s “throw,” was not. The love ball, still glowing red, ricocheted off tree after tree, stone after stone. It made Crystal dizzy just looking at it.

At long last it captured the helpless Poliwhirl, hitting it dead on the chest. Again three shakes, again a perfect capture.

“Can I see the Poliwhirl for a moment, please?” she asked. She had a theory.

Gold threw it at her, and it nearly took off her ear.

“You could have hit me with that!” she shouted at him.

“You asked for the Poké Ball, I was just giving it to you!” He chuckled at her. “Catch better next time!”

“Oh YOU!” She balled her fists in rage. But she couldn’t, wouldn’t hit him. She wouldn’t hit anybody, and although Gold was an idiot, he was her ... crush.

Instead, she checked the pokedex, scanning the captured Poliwhirl’s data. Male. She scanned Silver’s. Male. That wasn’t right. That’s wasn’t how it was supposed to work.

“I’m going to check something with Kurt,” she announced. Nobody seemed to be paying attention, Gold having re-immersed himself into the game with Silver.

She sighed and left.

Kurt’s House, Azalea Town:

“Lassie, I’ve been looking all over for you,” Kurt greeted her.

“Huh?”

“See, the batch of Poké Balls I gave you weren’t up to snuff.”

She knew it.

“Must have slipped my mind when I was making them, because instead of being effective on the Pokémon of the opposite gender, they were most effective on the same gender.” He gave her an embarrassed smile.

Well that explained everything, well, not the eerie red glow.

“You also messed up the glow, Mr. Kurt.”

“What, lassie?”

“It glowed red for some reason.”

“Oh, no,” he chuckled. “I didn’t mess that part up. It glows red in the hands of people with mutual love for each other.”

What?

“See, the pink apricorns-” He blabbed on about crushing, boiling, and slicing. Something about the apricorn seeds and the power inside them. Yada, yada, yada.

Crystal heard none of that, the conflicting swirling thoughts in her head taking complete dominance.

           Her love ball was pink … But Gold … Silver … Red. Mutual affection…. Same gender instead of opposite gender.

The implications hurt her head.

“Now, I usually don’t give refunds to trainers, but you’re a promising girl, a capture specialist in the making!” Kurt handed her two new love balls, and she took them wordlessly.

She bowed and waved goodbye, movements stiff.

As soon as she got far enough away, she screamed, hurled the stupid Love Ball in the air and booted it hard.

It shattered into bits and pieces against a tree, and she smiled.

Author’s Notes:

           This is based on the fact that Love Balls in the GSC games did not work as advertised. It’s supposed to have an 8x multiplier on Pokémon that are the same species and opposite gender to yours. However, due to programming errors, it’s actually 8x when it’s the SAME gender.

           So I wrote a scene centered around it.

[universitykpop]

Comeback; Final

Genre: Angst

Trigger Warning: Depression, suicide attempt

Member: Xiumin (appearances by NCT, Super Junior, and the rest of EXO)

Words: 1,611

part 1 part 2 part 3 final

“Are you sure you want to go to school all the way over there?”

“Yeah, there’s a really good program over there. You don’t sound very happy for me.”

“I just hate that we’ll be hundreds of miles away from each other.”

“Don’t you want me to be successful, Minseok?”

“Of course I do. I want the best for you.”

-

He was charming, outgoing, and handsome. This was just what you needed to get your mind off Minseok. You’d reluctantly have to thank Mark later.

Your hand was tucked securely in Henry’s as he led you into the party hall. There were many familiar faces intermingling, some of idols, some of office workers. Everyone was dressed very formally, and you wondered if you even looked half as glamorous.

Henry led you over to his group who were already starting to peer at you curiously. After introductions, Henry sat the two of you at Super Junior’s table. You continued to scan your surroundings, making eye contact with Mark at NCT’s table. He and Jaehyun were giving you knowing and teasing looks that made your face redden.

“Are those little punks giving you a hard time?” Heechul appeared on your other side. You believed you contained your starstruck reaction well, but the playful smirk forming on his lips made you doubt it. “Yah! Don’t you children have something better to do? Go get your hyung and noona drinks.” He yelled at the two boys who scattered quickly to the open bar. Knowing they wouldn’t be able to get you anything with alcohol to ease your nerves left a bitter taste in your mouth.

“Thank you. I was starting to think I’d have someone watching me the whole night.” You joked lightly but already felt heavy eyes from across the room.

“Of course. A beautiful woman like yourself shouldn’t be pestered on such a night. Speaking of tonight, how did Henry manage to get a date with you?” Heechul asked, earning a smack to his shoulder from the mentioned person.

“Uh, through a friend.”

“Ah, Chanyeol?” His eyes found EXO’s table instantly.

Your heart pounded hard for a second. “No, I’m not associated with EXO… I don’t know them.”

“Oh?! I’ll introduce you to a few of them,” He turned to the side as Baekhyun, Jongdae, and Minseok were passing, “Yah, Baekhyun, come meet a new staff member.”

Baekhyun and Jongdae glanced at Minseok as if asking for permission before walking up to your table.

“This is Y/N, Henry’s date. She’s new to SM. I thought it’d be nice for her to make some acquaintances from other groups,” He explained and then turned to you, “What group do you work with?”

“NCT.” Your voice was quiet as you kept your eyes on Baekhyun’s chest.

“Nice to meet you, Y/N. I’m Byun Baekhyun of EXO.” He bowed, and your heart broke.

Minseok told them to act like they don’t know you, even under the company that would go extreme lengths to hide any relationship within it.

“I’m Kim Jongdae of EXO.”

“Kim Minseok of EXO.”

His introduction hurt the worst.

-

“Y/N, do you really think we can make this work from opposite sides of the world?”

“… I don’t know.”

“It’s gonna be hard on both of us. You know I need you here.”

“God, I don’t know what to do.”

“Jagi, don’t cry. It’s okay. I’m just being selfish.”

“Maybe it would be best if we broke up.”

“You want that?”

“Obviously I don’t, but there wouldn’t be pressure on either of us that way. We would be able to focus on ourselves.”

“You don’t leave for another few months… Can the break up wait until then?”

“Yeah… It can.”

-

His hand slid down your back lower … again. You discreetly moved it back up. After a few drinks, Henry was becoming a bit handsy. This was the first time you’d actually been out with him, and you weren’t quite ready for this kind of interaction. The few times he brought coffee to your desk, he was really polite and sweet. Now he was trying to move a little fast.

“I’m gonna get another water.” You informed your date before heading to the bar.

You stood off to the side waiting for your drink as Henry chatted with Chanyeol. A light bump to your shoulder caught you off guard.

“You shouldn’t be here with him.” Minseok’s hot words were in your ear.

“Why don’t you keep pretending like you don’t know me and stay out of my personal life?” You spoke firmly.

You heard him sigh out of annoyance and had a brief moment of satisfaction before a hand wrapped around your wrist.

Fortunately, the hallway was vacant as Minseok dragged you from the party.

“Why do you even care all of a sudden?” You snapped.

“It doesn’t matter. Henry is a piece of shit. You should be thanking me.” His eyes patronized you.

“After all you’ve done to me? You led me on for years and dropped me like I was nothing. I come back and you act like I was never a part of your life. On top of all that, you threatened to get me fired for helping someone. I’m not here to change your mind or make you fall for me again. I just want to live my life, have my job, and not have to worry about running into you because I know something will happen if I do.” Your voice was rising in anger.

“Y/N…” He sighed. You turned to go back, but he reached out for you.

“Just stop. Don’t touch me.” You jerked your arm from his grasp, “Henry might be greasy sometimes, but at least he knows how to treat me like I have actual feelings.”

“Please don’t leave.” His voice wavered; you knew his bravado was deteriorating fast.

Once you caught a glimpse of his solemn face, he continued, “I messed up. I know that. Now, I don’t know what to do. I wish I could erase the past because you deserve so much better. I’ve wasted so much time resenting you for leaving. I was - am - selfish. You were living your life so well without me, so I thought it’d be best if I stayed out of it.”

Words were caught up in your throat. You couldn’t believe what he had just confessed. Not bearing the silence any longer, Minseok walked past you, leaving you alone in the hallway.

-

“You’re going to be there tomorrow, right?”

“Of course! I wouldn’t miss seeing you off.”

“I’m starting to think this isn’t the right path for me.”

“Why’s that?”

“I’m just-”

“Jagi, don’t cry. I promise you’re going to love living over there and going to school. You’re going to learn so much and become so successful.”

“I’m going to miss you more than anything, Minnie. You’re my everything.”

“Don’t say things like that… You’re making this harder.”

“You know I love you, right?”

“I do, Y/N. I love you too.”

-

You hadn’t seen Minseok since your talk 20 minutes ago, and you had a feeling something was wrong. None of EXO seemed to know where he was. Mark and Jaehyun hadn’t seen him either. As you headed for the hall, someone hurried in front of you.

“He went to the rooftop.” The man said quickly.

You glanced back to see Heechul walking through the crowd. That information frightened you. Your feet tried to pick up the pace, but once you were out in the hallway, you kicked off your heels and ran to the elevator, pressing the buttons frantically.

The elevator wouldn’t take you to the roof therefore leaving you to run up a flight of stairs out of breath. You attempted to calmly open the door, not wanting to startle Minseok. Your eyes found him walking along the ledge.

“Minseok.” You called softly.

“Please go.” His voice cracked.

He turned to you. His face was glistening from the city lights. He looked broken.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“You’ve already left me once! Just do it again!” He shouted.

“Minseok, step down from there, so we can talk.” You kept your distance.

“I’ve already fucked up! There’s nothing left to talk about, Y/N! Clearly, you have moved on, so stop worrying about me.”

You felt tears spill over. “Minnie, please get down and come over here.”

You watched the nickname for him have a visible effect on him.

“Oh, god. What am I doing?” He peered over the edge with a sudden realization of reality.

You bit your lip as he slowly climbed down. His body collapsed in a sobbing mess. You were immediately at his side, rubbing his back, choking on your own bawls.

“I’m so sorry. I just don’t want to be here anymore. I’m being selfish again.” He wailed.

“It’s okay. We can get you help. You’re not alone. You have so many friends downstairs who really care about you and support you.”

“I’m just so tired of the stress, the constant pressure to be perfect.” He finally looked up at you.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be here for you.” You hiccuped.

“That’s okay. You did exactly what you planned. You’re on your own and making it. I’m sorry I couldn’t let you go for me to do the same.”

“Minnie, you did. Look at what you’ve accomplished. You have so much to live for. Please don’t think you can’t do this.” You wiped his cheeks with his handkerchief.

“Why are you being nice to me after what I’ve done?” He asked, getting eye level with you.

“You know I love you, right?”

[rickycorderbro-blog]

Relaxation and Revelations||Ricky and Quinn

loose lips sink ships

The road to recovery was slow...as....fucking... balls. Ricky thought being cooped up in his apartment resting had to be the most boring thing he could possibly do since with only one working hand he was constrained to playing games that were turn-based or just laying on his couch and moping while watching Futurama reruns for the forty-seventh time. He'd eaten all the junk food, drank way too much, and was seriously considering developing a small drug habit when his doorbell rang brightly. Annoyingly brightly. Like it was rubbing it in Ricky's face that it worked properly and he didn't. There was a brief moment when Ricky considered trying to struggle into a shirt... but he didn't feel like leaving his guest out on the porch for twenty minutes while he made a fool out of himself. Instead he pulled the door open in all of his shirtless glory to reveal Quinn on his doorstep. "Oh hey man. Probably shoulda taken the time for a shirt but... fuck it. Come on in."

Quinn knew that Ricky was hurt. He had seen the way the bone had snapped on the camera. It was sickening, especially the sound. It was odd to keep having images of it blur though his mind when he thought of Ricky. But he still wanted to see him, to make sure that Ricky was feeling better, and it didn't hurt that he liked to see Ricky. He'd also brought something. Quinn walked, and rang the doorbell, hoping that Ricky wasn't sleeping or doing something that he was interrupting. But then he came to the door, shirtless of course. He flushed slightly, though perhaps less than he usually did. "Hey," he said with a small shrug. He wasn't going to complain about Ricky being shirtless. "I figured you could use some company?" he asked with a small smile, holding up a bag. "I brought snacks and beer. I have a fake,"

A broad grin crossed Ricky's face as he ushered Quinn through the door, "Sorry the place is a mess. Cleaning's a fucking whore now because of the arm." Shutting the door he paused the episode he was on and raised an eyebrow, "You've got a fake? How is that even close to effective. You look like a prepubescent milkmaid. However... I'm out of booze so I'm not going to turn beer down. Nor snacks... big fan of snacks over here." Wandering into his bedroom he grabbed a zip-up hoodie and shrugged into it, zipping it over the cast, "Company is also good. Never hate on some company." He gestured around him, "Make yourself at home. Can I get you anything? It'll take me twice as long but I can manage it."

"I don't really care all that much about how messy it is," he said with a shrug, glancing around. "My room can get kind of messy when I'm really into a game or distracted or something for a while. And you're hurt so...," Quinn shrugged. He smirked for a moment, before turning a bright red. "It scans," he mumbled, looking away from Ricky. He'd hacked into the DMV and gotten himself a legitimate ID. According to them he was 21. "Good, I'm glad," he said softly, with a nod. He felt far younger than he normally did. Although the sweatshirt covered up his chest, Quinn was actually a little glad that he put it on. It hid the cast and the memories of the other night. "Oh, no I'm fine," he said with a shrug, plopping down onto the couch and smiling softly. "I just figured you might be bored with your arm like that,"

Ricky cracked open two beers and brought one of them over to Quinn before taking his own, leaning against the kitchen counter, "I feel like if I start using the arm as an excuse for shit my life is going to fall even more into ruin than it already is. Which is pretty goddamn ruinous. So I'll clean tomorrow or some shit." He smiled at Quinn's bright-red skin tone before pouring some chips into a big bowl and bringing it to the couch, "I'm so bored. Oh my god. I can't do anything. I can only play Pokemon because everything else requires two hands and believe me.... I'm pretty goddamn close to having caught them all." Another wan smile and a half shrug, "but you didn't come over to hear me bitch. Sup?"

Quinn nodded, that did make some sense. "I guess that makes sense. Can't let it ruin your life right?" Quinn said optimistically. Quinn idly fixed his hair and squirmed lightly in his seat as his flush receded. "Oh," Quinn perked up a bit. He could help with that. "There are a bunch of games that use just the mouse," he said with a small smile. "A lot of strategy games like Civilization 6," he pointed out. "But that's only if you like those types of games," he said with a small shrug. "Anything turn based," he added as an afterthought. "Um, nothing really. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I figured you would be bored and stuff,"

"Q it already ruined my life. I just gotta stop the bleeding at this point." Taking a swig Ricky plopped down in the armchair across from Quinn and managed to squeeze a wry smile out of his face, "I'll try anything at this point. Neven recommended I try Fallout but I definitely need both hands for that shit so I'm on board for anything that's mouse oriented and turn based. Never really tried that genre before. More of a headshot and sneak kill dude myself." Another sip of the beer.... which wasn't great... and he managed a more sincere smile "Thanks Quinn. That's sweet of you. I managed to get myself a new job and everything so I'm not going full on crazy. Just mostly crazy. But hey. You're here now, so that definitely helps with the crazy. What's been new with you?"

Quinn blinked and froze at the name Q. He looked over at Ricky, trying to seem calm. Did he know? There was no way he could, Quinn was perfect at hiding it. But Ricky didn't mention it again, and he let out a soft sigh. He was safe. Ricky didn't know. "Oh, Fallout definitely wouldn't work. It's a shooter," he said with a frown. At least the newer ones wouldn't, maybe the older ones would but he never played them. Quinn took a long sip of his beer and set the bottle back down again, looking at it with a slight frown. It was obvious that Ricky wasn't really taking this quite as well as he could. Well, Quinn probably wouldn't be taking it well either. He wasn't the best at making people feel better. "Oh, that's good. Partial crazy is good right?" Quinn laughed softly. "Oh... ugh, nothing really. Honestly," other than watching Ricky get attacked that is. "Just games and stuff. School started so that kind of sucks,"

"Yeah I bought it and noticed that. Ah well. I'll play it in a couple months when I'm back on track and shit. Looks cool at least." Finishing his beer he brought the empty to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water, leaning against the kitchen counter as they talked, "I don't have any monday classes but I've gotta go in tomorrow morning for the first class of my last semester of undergrad. But yeah... partial crazy is good. Better than the alternative but not being able to move as much as I'mused to sucks. I can't go running, I can't work out, I can't swim. I just work, sulk, game. Work, sulk, game. Throw in some netflix and that's my daily routine now." Realizing that he was a giant sack of morose, Ricky tried to lift the mood of the conversation somewhat, "But... I've got great friends who've been helping me through. You, Veronica, Neven, Molly... everyone's been super nice which honestly I'd be going so much more insane without your guys' support."

"Yeah. You should. They're really good games, and once you can use your hand again you'll love them," Quinn said, looking up at Ricky brightly. He was trying to cheer him up, and he felt like he was doing a bad job right now. Quinn sipped his beer slowly, not wanting to actually get drunk in front of Ricky. "You only have one less?" Quinn asked, curious. He hadn't realized that Ricky was so close to being done with school. "I mean... without the sulking that sounds like a good life," Quinn admitted. Mostly what his days were like. If you replaced work with hacking. Quinn grinned brightly when Ricky referred to him as a friend. It was something at least. "That's good. I'm glad that at least we can help a little bit you know? Better than just moping all day,"

"Neven mentioned something about factions? He said he had to side with one more of them to get all the different endings. So I'm excited to play it. Y'know... when I can again." He watched Quinn nurse his beer, nodding along with the question, "Just one more semester and I'll be a Bachelor of Science in Marine Biology. Then I'll be right back in school in the fall for Graduate work. I got into UMAC's grad program." Standing up quickly Ricky pushed his hair out of his eyes, "Shit I"m a bad host. You want something to eat? I got a ton of food. I can whip you up something if you're hungry. And yeah. Having friends around always makes it good. Y'all are definitely lifesavers."

"Yeah there are a bunch of factions. You pick one and it changes the ending, sort of," Quinn said, trying his best not to give away the good bits of the game. "But yeah, you definitely should. It's gonna be great. You'll love it," he said happily. "Oh! That's awesome. Congratulations," he said happily. It meant that Ricky would be staying here, which was great. Quinn just shook his head, sipping his beer again. "No I'm good," he said with a small laugh. "I don't really eat all that much,' he admitted with a small shrug. "Good, I'm really glad," Quinn said, perking up happily. He pulled his legs up underneath him and turned to look at Ricky with a smile. "So is there anything you wanted to do?"

Ricky pondered thoughtfully "Huh. Guess it means I'm going to spend the next giant chunk of my life glued to that particular game. Gotta see all the endings after all." He grinned across the room at Quinn as he cracked a second beer, "Four long grueling years of keeping my GPA above a 3.8 but it looks like I"m gonna finally manage to wear that scratchy black robe and stupid hat." He took a deep breath, trying to avoid the looming spectre of graduate and adult life before turning to watch Quinn curl up comfortably on his couch, "I'm open. What do you wanna do? Really I'm just happy for the company. You can game if you want. I'll play some Pokemon and we can just hang out. Really it's up to you."

"Probably. But you gotta finish the Witcher 3 first," he pointed out with a smile. "Four years is a long time," Quinn mumbled. He still had all of that to look forward to. He wasn't sure how he felt about that honestly. It had to be better than high school though. "That's good. It'll be fun," Quinn smiled. "Oh, I don't mind, really," Quinn said. He was indecisive when it came to hanging out with other people. "So you pick what we should do, since I'm here to cheer you up,"

"I doooooooooo." Ricky chuckled and drank, "You know if I flunk out of graduate school because the men in my life can't stop giving me good game recommendations it's gonna be you're couch I'm sleeping on when I have to turn to standing on street corners for money." A gruff chuckled and he adjusted his cast under the hoodie he was wearing, "You're really making life difficult for me right now, Q-dawg. I really don't feel like making a decision right now. Fine. I'm gonna boot up the ps4 and leave the controller on the couch and you do what you wanna do and I'm gonna sit here on the armchair with my DS. Sound good?"

"I don't think Karen and Jared would appreciate it if you plopped onto my couch for a while," he said with a laugh. "Unless it was for a day or two," he pointed out. "That's not helpful," Quinn whined, flopping onto the couch and looking over at the TV. "Fine, I'll figure something out," he said, reaching over and grabbing the controller. "What games do you have?"

A broad shrug and Ricky let a loud laugh out "I think I'd be a good enough hooker where I could keep myself in a decently nice apartment. Don't worry. I won't come knocking on your door." He looked over at his friend and grinned, looking at the still mostly full beer bottle "you gotta catch up, dude. Put that fake to good use." Another shrug and he blew hair out of his eyes, it was in desperate need of a trim, "Witcher, Battlefront, Broforce, Dishonored 2, bunch of random shit that was on sale. Feel free to make yourself a profile on my PlayStation. I'm sure you'll be over here enough to use it."

"You'd probably be a great hooker," Quinn mumbled softly under his breath, before laughing at the joke. "Well, just don't drop out," he said simply. "Oh, yeah," he said, looking at the bottle and taking a bigger gulp. He didn't want to get sick, and he definitely couldn't chug. "I'm sure I can find something," Quinn said, a big grin on his face as he started setting up a profile. Visiting more often would definitely be fun. "What kind of team do you have on pokemon?"

Quinn said something under his breath but it was just soft enough where with his shitty hearing Ricky couldn't quite pick it up. "What was that? Didn't quite hear that. Had something in my ear." He watched the young man drink with a wry grin "okay so we'll have to teach you how to drink properly. I'm gonna get another beer. One of mine. So I don't drink all of yours." From the kitchen he watched Quinn set up a profile on the console "I try to keep it balanced but I've definitely got my favorites. Decidueye is my bitch-fucker because Spirit Shackle is a hella dope move. But I try hard to keep something decently leveled for any type I come across."

"Nothing," he said with a smile and shrug. "Just talking to myself," Quinn blushed a little, hoping Ricky hadn't heard him. "I don't really have people to drink with so...," he said with a small shrug, booting up Dishonored 2. "I brought them for us though," Quinn said, turning around to look at Ricky. "That's good. Balanced teams are the best," he nodded. He didn't have the new game though, so he didn't know what Decidueye was.

Narrowing his eyes Ricky returned to his seat on the armchair, propping his feet up on the coffee table in between them "I don't believe you. Not even a little." Ricky nodded, holding the DS stylus between his teeth, "Fair enough. You can drink here. But know I'm gonna make you sleep on the couch if you have any significant amount of booze. I will steal your keys don't even test that." He watched the opening menu for Dishonored flash up on his tv and let out a tiny sigh of contentment. It was nice. To just hang out with someone normal. Or, if Quinn wasn't normal, someone who kept it tight enough under wraps not to matter. "So. Karen and Jared are yourrrrrrrrrr what exactly?"

Quinn flushed, rolling his eyes and pretending to act cool. "It was nothing, he said with a pout, looking up at Ricky with big eyes, trying to act innocent. "I walked over here," he pointed out. "I don't have a car, it's Karen and Jared's, but I don't use it much," Quinn explained. "I like to walk places, and it's not like town is big," he hummed softly. "Oh, they adopted me," he said simply. He forgot that there was no way Ricky would actually know that.

"God fucking dammit, Quinn." He pulled a frown and sighed heavily. "What is it with you people? You and Nev-.... you guys walking around outside like it's summer. Swear to me that if it's snowing and you need to get somewhere you'll call me instead of walking. I fucking worry." Ricky drew a hissy breath in through his teeth "shit man I'm sorry. Didn't mean to bring anything up. I'm sorry."

Quinn arched an eyebrow and just laughed. "I like walking in the winter. It's the best time to walk when it's snowing," he grinned. "But I'll let you know okay? If I do need a ride. I usually don't," he pointed out with a big grin. "You didn't. I like them a lot. I'm very happy," he said simply and shrugged. They were the best foster parents he could get, and now they were actually his adopted ones.

Ricky grumbled softly, focusing more on the gameboy and beer in his hand than the words that came out of his mouth "humans. Never think about the weather appropriately. Y'all became apex predators and your dumb as a box of rocks." He took another long sip and glanced over at Quinn from under his long lashes "that's good I'm glad man I know what it's like to be..... parentless. It's rough so I'm glad they're working out for you. Shit's important." Turning his gaze back to the tv he gestured towards the screen "who are you gonna play as?"

Quinn blinked. "What?" he asked. Did he just actually say that? "Did you just say humans? As if you aren't human?" his eyes were wide and the controller lay forgotten in his lap. "Are you? One of those supernatural creatures? Like... not evil though right? Please don't be evil,"

Ricky froze, suddenly aware of his monumental fuckup "you're drunk. You're definitely drunk and you definitely didn't hear me right." He let the silence hang in the air for a moment as he realized there was no way Quinn would buy that; halfway through his first beer as he was. "Fucking fuck fuck fuck. You cannot tell a ​soul​, Quinn. It's super dangerous for me if the wrong people know because they'd kill me in a heartbeat for my skin. But yeah I'm fuckin supernatural. And not evil. Well no more than anyone else"

"I'm not drunk!" Quinn said, his voice rising a bit. "I only had one beer, and didn't even finish it," he said, pointing to the beer still on the table. "Shit," he practically jumped up onto the couch, eyeing Ricky as if just looking at him could reveal what he was. "What are you then? Not human obviously," he hummed, eyes narrowing. Not that actually saying what he was would really help him figure it out.

"Okay captain puberty, no need to squeak. We're almost deaf on land but I still heard that." He heaved a giant sigh as Quinn put distance between them "I'm not a danger to you. I swear. We're carnivorous but we don't eat humans. And watch it with the obviously. Aside from my teeth I pass for human amazingly well." Another sigh and Ricky got up and headed to the kitchen, cracking another beer and draining it in one go. "I'm a selkie."

"I've been attacked by a lot of shit recently," he mumbled, eyes narrowing slightly. Quinn huffed though, sitting down a little. If Ricky had wanted to attack him then he would have already. He probably didn't have anything to worry about. Probably. "What's a selkie?" he asked, blinking. He had no clue what that was. Couldn't he have been something nice? Like a good wizard or unicorn or something?

"I'm 6'4 in my human form, I'm insanely well muscled, and I have a mouth full of razor sharp fangs. If I wanted to attack you I would have done it already. I've never killed a human in my life. Gotten in a couple of bar fights but that has nothing to do with what I am. Just with drunk assholes." Ricky sighed and leaned forward, setting his good arm on his knee "I'm a human that can turn into a seal. Or a seal that can turn into a human. Take your pick they're both right." He sighed and shut his eyes. Why couldn't he have kept his mouth shut. Now he was going to lose a friend.

"I," Quinn began, before shutting his mouth. Ricky was right, of course. He just groaned, running his hands over his face. Why did all of this have to happen now? All of this weird supernatural shit was going on and he just wanted to finish high school and go to college and continue hacking. Was that so much to ask? Apparently it was. Because now his crush was seal creature thing. "A seal? A seal? Couldn't you at least be, like, a fucking mermaid or something, fuck,"

"Oh no man. You do ​NOT​ want to fuck with mermaids. They're nothing like the fairy tails and if they get you you're dead. You're so dead. And it is gonna hurt the whole damn time." He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed heavily. "I'm sorry. I.... this is who I am. I know it's awkward and weird but. It's me. Sorry." Ricky really felt shitty for dumping it all on a quinn like that, but once the floodgates had opened there was no easy way to close them again. "Besides seals are awesome, dude. I can hold my breath for 20 minutes."

"Great. Mermaids are evil. Fucking fantastic," Quinn groaned and flopped onto his back on the couch, looking up at the ceiling. "Anything else I should know?" he groaned softly, looking over at Ricky with a sigh. "It's not... It's not your fault or anything. I've just... Apparently my winter break is when everything supernatural decides to either attack me or like, show up," he threw his hands up in the air. Oddly enough, finding out that Ricky was a creature was... not terrible. Quinn wasn't as nervous around him for one. Maybe it was just the shock of it all. "I guess that's kind of cool," he mumbled, looking over at Ricky.

"It helps if you don't think of them like the beautiful women from the stories and more like what they actually are... horrifying enormous angler fish with really developed lures that look like beautiful men and women... and really really really sharp teeth. Never help a drowning person here in AC. Ever. like 80% of the time it's gonna be a mermaid and you want nothing to do with that." Ricky shrugged at Quinn's question, "I have twice the amount of blood you do. I transform by putting on a skin. I have to change a couple of times a week. If I don't I'll go crazy and eventually die. The only thing that doesn't change about me in the transformation is my teeth so I've gotta wear fake teeth. I promise I won't attack you though. Not my style. Plus if I did I'd have fewer people to hang out with and that would suck." Looking over at Quinn he crossed his fingers he hadn't weirded the man out entirely, "Oh and I"m almost deaf and I'm colorblind but I can see really well in the dark. Anything else you wanna know?"

Quinn listened to Ricky as he explained all the things he didn't know. About mermaids and then about himself. "Fuck," he said, getting a little bit overwhelmed by, well, everything. This was a mess. "Got it. Don't save drowning people," he said sarcastically. This was insane. "And you put on a fucking skin? Which sounds pretty gross by the way," his sarcasm was coming out as a way to cope right now. "And you're basically just... a seal person. Who can't hear and could probably kill me with your teeth," he huffed, sitting up suddenly. "Fuck," he really didn't know what else to say.

Quinn appeared to be struggling a little and it wasn't as if Ricky could really blame him. "The skin isn't nearly as gross as the mucus I secrete to slide into it." he deadpanned, looking down at his shoes, "It's like I produce my own lube." Nodding along to Quinn's statements he shrugged, "You got it. I'm a seal person. Who would never ever do anything to hurt you. You're a friend, Quinn. Me being... what I am doesn't change the definition of friendship. You're someone I care about and you're cool and I wouldn't put you in harm's way."

"Ew," Quinn mumbled, wrinkling his nose at the thought of Ricky just covered in... mucous. "Can you just, like, stop talking about that for a minute," he shuddered slightly. He paused for a moment, looking up at Ricky and then sitting up slightly. "Alright, yeah, I know you wouldn't. It's just a lot okay?"

"I know it's a lot." Ricky sat up and dug into pockets, fishing out a set of keys and tossing them next to Quinn on the couch. "Bring it back next time you come over. It's snowing out and you're not fucking walking at night." Pushing himself off the armchair he snapped his DS shut and gave Quinn a wan smile, "It's a shit thing to dump on you and I am sorry. But. Hopefully this doesn't fuck our friendship up too much. You're welcome here anytime." He went into his bedroom and shut the door behind him, leaving Quinn an opportunity to leave. Life as a selkie trying to get by was far too fucking complicated.

"Yeah it is," he mumbled, blinking as keys were thrown at him. "What? I don't need to take your car," Quinn said, but Ricky was already leaving. "Fuck," he mumbled. He didn't want to lose a friend. And Ricky was... well he was Ricky. Things were confusing now, but Ricky still wanted to be his friend at least. "I'll bring it back tomorrow," he called through the door and headed outside with a huff.

[sportsandfitnessinfo]

New Post has been published on http://fitnessandhealthpros.com/beauty/jealousy-is-such-an-energy-suck-10-ways-to-rise-above/

Jealousy Is Such An Energy Suck. 10 Ways to Rise Above

A version of this article previously appeared on Conscious Living TV.

We’ve all been there. Maybe it was the popular cheerleader in high school who seemed to have it all: perfect hair, teeth, and her hunky boyfriend made you wonder if you’d ever outgrow your awkward stage. Or maybe it was the rising star at work who beat you out for the plum promotion you wanted without seeming to break a sweat. Perhaps it’s your facebook ‘friend’ who is chased by a never-ending stream of “Amazing!” selfie-narrated experiences.

Whatever your source of envy, the green monster is no fun companion. Jealousy can not only debilitate your relationships with others, it can also wreak serious havoc on your health.  According to Donna Fremon-Powell, certified Guided Imagery Therapist in La Habra, California, emotions like anger, jealousy, hate, and resentment produce a chemical that’s very similar to arsenic. “Simply put, your negative emotions are poisonous.”

Catch a whiff of mystery musk on your lover’s jacket and your stomach drops as if it’s in free fall. Hear a competitor’s gloating acceptance speech and your heart pounds. Watch a confident pal steal your crush and your hands may suddenly begin to tremble. When it comes to your health, jealousy is no joke. Here are some of the effects this poisonous emotion can have on different parts of the body:

Your Brain. Imagine your partner in bed with a new lover or compare your resume to that of a longtime rival and your amygdala, insula, and anterior cingulate cortex–the neural nodes of fear, anger, and disgust–swing into high gear, explains neuroscientist Hidehiko Takahashi of Kyoto University. Courtesy of the anterior cingulate cortex, the social pain of jealousy is experienced in much the same way as physical pain.

Your Stomach. Overhear your boss praise the company’s new wunderkind and your lunch looks a whole lot less delicious. The threat of a challenger who could leave you jobless–or single–activates a fear reaction in the amygdala, triggering the fight-or-flight response that ramps up production of adrenaline and noradrenaline, explains Frank John Ninivaggi, a psychiatrist at Yale’s Child Study Center. The result? Lack of appetite and nausea.

Your Eyes. Worried your spouse might be unfaithful? If so, you’re likely to find yourself staring down potential rivals–especially attractive ones. According to recent research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, people who are consistently jealous of a possibly philandering partner pay closer attention to good-looking members of their own sex and form stronger memories of what they look like than those who are not.

Your Heart. According to Jonathan Dvash, a neuroscientist at the University of Haifa, the sympathetic nervous system buckles under the stress of jealousy, quickening the heart and spiking blood pressure. Left unchecked over time, this could lead to hypertension and heart disease.

Holding onto jealousy isn’t worth heart failure. By managing your emotions more consciously, you can work to overcome envy and step into a more empowered, amazing you. Here’s how:

Start Living Your Dream. Each one of us is put on this earth to fulfill a special purpose, big or small. Some call this dharma, or sacred duty: a unique, divinely appointed gift you were born to share with the world. If you don’t know your purpose or aren’t willing to risk taking the journey to find out, it can be emotionally debilitating to witness someone else fulfill theirs. Instead, do the work to start building your own special dream. Start by taking any step in the right direction, and you’ll soon find yourself too busy pursuing your unique talents, passions, and interests to keep score of anyone else’s.

Be Authentic. Being fake is a sure sign you might be suppressing your best self, which can trigger a desire to suppress others’ success, confidence or good fortune. By becoming more aware of your authentic thoughts, feelings, and attitudes in the moment, and giving yourself permission to honestly express them  – even if unpopular – you’ll free yourself to let your own light shine.

Practice Self-Care. The saying goes: if you don’t love yourself, it’s impossible to love someone else. Self-care includes anything that nurtures your mind, body, and spirit. For me, yoga, meditation, and aromatherapeutic baths make me feel happier, grounded and secure. For you, it may be cooking, gardening, finger painting or going on long walks in the woods. Self-destructive behavior, like getting drunk or high or spending time with negative people, doesn’t count. Do what truly nourishes you and you’ll find yourself feeling too happy to hate on someone else.

Surround Yourself with Positive People. Experts agree that you become an average of the five people you spend the most time with, so if you’re not happy with any part of your life, it’s time to take a closer look at your social circle. Be honest: how many are positive, life-affirming individuals who want nothing more than to see you reach your fullest potential? How many are chronically unhappy, gossiping, haters? If you find yourself surrounded by negative Nancy’s, it’s time to press the refresh button on your social circle.

Keep a Gratitude Journal. It may sound hokey, but each day it’s important to schedule time to write down at least ten things in your life you’re grateful for. Maybe it’s your health, your family, the sunshine, or just being able to get out of bed another day. For extra credit, list 10 things about yourself that you appreciate. Practicing gratitude makes it easier to focus on what you have, instead of what you don’t.

Stop Comparing Yourself to Others. We live on a planet with over 7 billion other human beings, so statistically, it’s likely there will always be someone smarter, skinnier, richer, cuter, more spiritual and more “fabulous” than you. But this is simply how they appear on the outside. No one’s life is as perfect as it seems on the surface – or on facebook. Behind the scenes, their life could be a total mess, so why compare your insides to someone else’s outsides?

Let Go of Entitlement. As infants, we’re taught that the world revolves around us: all we have to do is frown or cry and our needs are met without having to lift a finger. While this lazy worldview works wonders as a baby, it can be disastrous as an adult. No one is entitled to anything they didn’t work for. If you want something, be willing to sacrifice, be disciplined, take the risk and work hard to get it, or you will inevitably begrudge someone else who has. Behind every jealous person is someone fundamentally angry at themselves for falling short of their own personal best.

Practice Detachment. There’s nothing wrong with having desires, but attachment to them creates suffering. Unhealthy attachments to people, places, and things cause us to live in a constant state of false control and fear that we might lose the object of our desire. This creates a perfect breeding ground for envious thoughts and behaviors, like keeping score with others. By moving through life freely, detached to the outcome of our actions, we remain free, unencumbered and at peace.

Give Props.  Instead of secretly sinking into the miry clay whenever you meet someone with blessings you wish were yours, get it off your chest. Don’t hate, congratulate! Tell them exactly why you admire them. It’s your ego, not your divine Self, that wants to withhold affirming another’s goodness. Stop hoarding the love! Give someone deserving their props. Being honest and getting these feelings off your chest will prevent them from festering into resentment and envy, freeing up the energy you will need to create great things in your own life. 

Meditate. Going inward with even a brief daily meditation practice will help you get in touch with some of the deeper issues that may be weighing on your heart more than Mr./Miss Perfect or having more money or fame. By focusing on your Spirit – the eternal part of you that transcends personality, your resumé, outer success and failures – you’ll be less drawn to look outside for external, short-lived validation that will always fall short of satisfying the deepest yearnings of your soul.

How do you overcome the green monster?

Also by Bianca: Mentally Blocked? 10 Ways To Raise Your Vibes & Fuel Your Creative Spirit

How I Learned To Love My Nappy Roots After Years of Chemical Relaxers

Related: How Your Social Media Identity Hurts Your Real Self

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Photo: Pexels, Conscious Living TV

Bianca Alexander is the host and creative director of Conscious Living, a broadcast TV program showcasing inspiring news in natural health, spirituality and the yoga lifestyle. The show now airs in 60+ markets across the U.S. and via the web on AoL, HuffPo and other conscious platforms. Follow Bianca on Instagram @consciouslivingtv .

Originally at :Peaceful Dumpling Written By : Bianca Alexander

#Above, #Energy, #Jealousy, #Rise, #Such, #Suck, #Ways #Beauty