#this is coming from a mostly-recovered anorexic who is a uk size 8 and wants to get back to a 6 btw

[aaafeminist]

(reblogs appreciated for bigger sample)

[journeyafterbulimia]

First things first: The history of my food demons

Where to start, my relationship with food has always been pretty tarnished. Eating disorders were sadly pretty popular in my family, from my mum going through the ups and downs (happy to say she has massively recovered and looks a million dollars), other family members counting calories and losing too much weight too fast and someone in the family actually dying because she was anorexic. Strangely, these events affect me more now than they did in the past. I remember even as a really young girl, looking at myself and thinking I was too big even though I was quite a slim child. My childhood, is something I’ve never really been too open about. I don’t think it defines me at all however I do believe it has affected my body image. I’m still not ready, nor do I have the memories due to shutting them out due to depression to elaborate much on the subject, however my childhood was full of sadness, depression, seeing and being involved in physical and mostly emotional abusive which made me grow too quickly but also always feel like I had to be good enough, I had to be perfect, who knows why. I once had a therapist tell me I have a perfectionist problem and that everything linked to my depression is linked to my eating disorders. Looking at how strong my mum is now after everything she has gone through is a big inspiration but it takes a lot of work and realisation of self worth that I am trying to come to terms with and that is why I decided to write and fully open up the book.

So, the big B. Bulimia. The demon that haunts my young teens. I guess this mainly started when I hung around with other people my age around 13/14. We had just moved back to my hometown of Coventry from Leicester which had un-already unsettled me massively, I had friends, a great school, was top set everything and I was doing well, well.. as well as I could be doing with what was going on at home. My memory is hazy due to long term depression but I will try to get the basics out. I made friend in Coventry and we used to hang around an area I think was called ‘The Priory’. I always felt bigger than the other girls, I had quite big hips which I had inherited off my nana but at the time I just thought I was fat because I had to wear a size 10(UK) jeans and my friends were 6/8. My bulimia went unnoticed for few years but my midnight binge eating caught my mums attention and I finally admitted to her. Around that time I always had to go to the doctors because I couldn't eat normally without being sick, even when I tried (which was difficult in its self) my body was so used to it it automatically threw up. I also badly messed up the acid in my stomach and even weakened the stomach muscles because of excessive vomiting. Well you’d think that would put me on the path to recovery right? I didn't wanna harm myself, however the demon was still in my mind controlling the thoughts every time I’d look at food or in the mirror or even think about getting better.

At 16 I was in a controlling relationship, in which my partner forced me to get an abortion which also lead to really bad body image as my body had started maturing and I felt ‘huge’. I’m not going to go too much into this but I thought it was important to understand everything and how my body changed. So at 17 I moved in with a group of friends, which in turn made everything a lot worst. I was a promoter and I was young, I didn’t have a lot of money and when I did have money it usually went on tobacco and energy drinks to keep myself up and working or socialising with my housemates and their friends.Drugs got involved and the only time I would ever eat was binge eating when I was high or hungover which would of course, would be followed by being sick.

The few years following that were difficult, involving a relationship that was all lies, a miscarriage and moving city to get away from mentally abusive people. Derby - 2015

I wont go too into detail about Derby, I’ve had some good and bad times there but it wasn’t my home. I discovered who I really was and stopped letting people take advantage of me towards the end  but not after going through more and  more hard times. The disorder was still there, however I started barely eating and drinking till I was sick.

Nottingham and Alex - And now we are here, so where am I at now? I am actually being medicated for my depression, I have a supportive boyfriend who I  now live with in my favourite city and making new friends even throughout quarantine.So why the blog, why the need to talk about it? Well I am hoping this is my final battle with bulimia and binge eating. With having supportive people around me, my relationship with food is getting better but I’m not there yet. I wanted to start this blog with what I am fighting and in a way council myself and open up. Over quarantine I was too strict with calories and steps which led to more disordered behaviour in the long run so this blog is going to follow my journey of finding a healthy relationship with food, my body, eating disorders and maybe even depression. Just opening up and writing this has took a weight off my shoulders and if you do read this, thank you for listening to what I have to say. Writing this was a real step I had to get over and as hard as it will be to post this. I believe I have done the write thing.

(Obviously this is not a complete timeline of everything that has happened in relationship to the things mentioned however its the most I could write at this point in time).