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thewertsearch · 7 months ago

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@manorinthewoods asked: Vriska and Eridan have now killed one person each. Tavros and Feferi's respective moons have been destroyed; as such, they cannot be revived via dream selves or the moon-crypt slabs. What do you think will happen now? ~LOSS (18/5/24) @manorinthewoods asked: Welcome to Murderstuck, aka Homestuck's version of Canaan House. Who do you think's going to survive this? ~LOSS (22/5/24) Anonymous asked: tavros and feferi are D----EAD! do you think they'll stay dead? you've already stated your opinion that there are death flags like crazy all over vriska, so do you think anyone else will die? if so, who? Anonymous asked: Now that the bodies have started to hit the floor, what's your prediction for who's gonna survive to meet the humans?

I'm actually doing to do something a little different this time, and analyze the situation primarily from an author's perspective, rather than an in-universe one. I had a lot of fun doing that with yesterday's Kanaya post, so I want to try it again.

Let's enumerate the remaining trolls, in ascending order of how likely I think they are to kick the bucket (😳) during Murderstuck.

There's no chance whatsoever that Sollux will die. His Doom prophecy is fulfilled, and if he were to die a third time, it would break his long-established duality theme. Plus, he'd have predicted it, and would have been complaining about it since Hivebent. He's fine.

Death flag score: 0/10.

We just got Aradia back. She's not even involved in Murderstuck, seemingly travelling to the Furthest Ring after being resurrected, so none of the murderers can touch her anyway.

Aradia is a powerful time manipulator who can freeze even the most dangerous enemies. It would take a lot more than Eridan and Gamzee to defeat someone who can stalemate Perfect Jack, and I predict that she'll survive the rest of the Act with ease.

Plus, killing her again so soon would feel really cheap. Been there, done that.

Death flag score = 0.5/10

Karkat and Terezi are too important to die.

This doesn't always guarantee a character's survival - A Song of Ice and Fire comes to mind - but ASOIAF kind of proves my point, doesn't it? Martin can throw all the Red Weddings he likes at us, but everyone still kind of knows that the really important characters aren't going to die until their arcs are complete. If A Dream of Spring ever actually comes out, Daenerys will still be around, and you can take that to the bank.

So no, I don't think Karkat and Terezi will be going anywhere. Now that Kanaya appears to be dead, they're undeniably the most important trolls remaining, alongside Vriska. And we'll get to Vriska.

Death flag score: 1/10.

I know it's weird to predict that an already deceased character won't die, but I wrote an entire post last night about why I believe this to be the case.

tl;dr: it doesn't make narrative sense for Kanaya to stay dead.

Death flag score: 2/10.

Now, we're onto the characters who I think might actually die.

Gamzee's still alive at the end of the countdown, so he'll at least survive the next couple of hours.

Certainly, his position seems rather precarious. His stated intent to wipe out the entire Veil will make him a lot of enemies very quickly - and based on the image above, he clearly gets into some sort of trouble. That scratch almost looks like it could be the work of Jack's sword.

However, I have a hard time believing the Most Important Character In Homestuck is going to die less than halfway through Homestuck. He's been saying all sorts of cryptic nonsense lately, and he strikes me as someone whose role in the story will expand even more than it already has. Gamzee is the one character on this list we know will stay relevant for the entire comic.

I don't think he's going to achieve his murder mission, of course. I think he'll probably be 'defeated' somehow, and expelled from the Veil by the surviving trolls, only to pop up again sometime later. There's still a chance that he'll be killed - but if he is, I'm 100% sure that he'll return in some form. Gamzeesprite would be even worse than Calsprite, in my opinion.

Death flag score: 3/10.

Yes, I still believe Vriska will die - but I don't know if she'll die in Murderstuck.

Scratch positioned her as someone who will perpetuate a monumental, large-scale mistake, and I don't think there's anything she could do on the Veil that fits the bill.

However, Vriska is more imaginative than I am. She could easily pull a trick out from up her sleeve that I didn't see coming - some terrible, horrible idea that earns all of Scratch's foreshadowing in one fell swoop. Vriska is known for her Incidents, and you never know when the next one is on the horizon.

Death flag score: 4/10.

There's not a lot tying Equius and Nepeta to the Veil, is there?

They don't have strong relationships any of the remaining trolls, and even among the B-team, they've barely had any prominence since we've left Alternia. Killing one or both of them would up the stakes of Murderstuck without introducing the narrative issues that, say, a dead Karkat would cause.

Plus, if one of them dies, then the other would immediately gain an incredibly strong motivation, and become a more prominent character overnight. I already like Nepeta - but a heartbroken, vengeful Nepeta hunting Eridan down across time and space? That's a fucking arc.

They could also both die, and return to the story from another direction. It hasn't escaped my notice that almost all the 'important' trolls are Prospit Dreamers, and the two Furthest Ring explorers are Derse girls. I've been wondering for a while now if the solution to the Veil's bloated cast is to split the trolls back into the Red and Blue Teams, with the Red Team joining the kids outside the session, and the Blue Team joining Aradia in the Ring for some secondary mission. I guess that implies Tavros will be resurrected, but there do seem to be hints that that might happen.

I don't want either of these two to die, but... well, killing them would raise a lot of interesting possibilities.

Death flag score (both of them together): 6/10

Death flag score (one of them) : 7.5/10.

Eridan is screwed.

Neither the story nor the trolls can allow him to ally with Jack and lead him to the Veil, and they'll do anything they can to stop him. I don't think anyone's inclined to show him mercy, either - Kanaya and Feferi were very popular.

I don't really see any way out for him. He has no allies, he can't Hopesplode everyone at once, and he's never shown himself to be particularly resourceful. I think if there's one troll practically guaranteed to be Murderstucked, it's him.

Death flag score: 9/10.

#homestuck liveblog #full liveblog #act 5.2 #asks #deep dives

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ingravinoveritas · 10 months ago

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Why do I feel like this post just got personal and going in for the attack like she did for the radio one on twitter I'm not shocked or surprised by this cos the behaviour is getting more stranger and nasty and a fan on twitter shared this on her page saying we got ur bk u got a whole army behind u. I'm sorry what army and I'm sure if they spilt the fans wouldn't be behind her them they literally making it worst

What do u think ?

So, I saw/got a whole bunch of DMs over this Insta story this morning, but didn't have a chance to talk about it until now.

My first thought was that this was almost certainly in response to the negative reviews and backlash coming out for The Way in the wake of episode 3. The two biggest culprits in terms of media outlets seem to be the Daily Mail (Fail) and the Telegraph, and while I won't link to them here because I don't want to give either site any traffic, both reviews can easily be found via a Google search. Adding to those were a stream of vicious comments, both in the comments sections on the respective websites and on social media, largely from what seem to be right-wing/leaning accounts and public figures.

Knowing that, it made me think that Michael had to have been aware of what the potential reaction to the show could be. We know he was, actually, because he's talked about it in several interviews over the past few weeks, such as this one. And I think with Michael being who he is, he would be entirely amused at knowing he has pissed off exactly the right people. So while I could certainly see him in private having a reaction like the one in AL's story--more than understandably so, given how nasty some of the reviews and comments were--that doesn't necessarily mean it's a good reaction to have publicly. And I think Michael knows that, too.

What also adds to the disconnect for me is that a few hours later, an article that Michael had written as a rebuttal came out in the New Statesman:

What Michael wrote is a brilliant repudiation of remarks made by a Tory MP--a piece that is intelligent, snarky, direct yet unfailingly eloquent. It wasn't just Michael defending his show, but using it (and Nye) to make a point, to make clear what he believes in, and to stand for the truth. And in much the same way that Michael's acting and oratory skills elevate any piece of work he performs, his writing conveyed that same depth, and it came across as effortless as everything else he does.

Which again left me with that feeling of disconnect when looking at Michael's article side-by-side with Anna's Insta story. It's not even that I disagree with her in this instance, as I do think the reviews were unduly harsh and devolved entirely too quickly into personal attacks in the comments. It's that when it comes to acting/directing, criticisms are part of the job, and whether she intended it or not, an Insta story like AL's conveys a sense of unprofessionalism. And when you put it next to Michael's writing, it looks more like a teenager throwing a fit instead of an adult giving a fierce clapback, which again probably was her intention.

Also keep in mind that everything I just wrote is predicated on the idea that someone seeing this story knows what AL is talking about. But I have to wonder how readily apparent it was, because it's so vague that it would probably be difficult for most people to suss out what she is referencing. So it's confusing to me that she is seemingly charging to Michael's defense...but without actually saying his name or the name of the show. Again, it feels like there is a disconnect/sharp contrast between Anna vague-blogging and how specific and incisive Michael was in that article, and it seems like they're not even close to being on the same page.

Those are my thoughts on Anna's Insta story from this morning. It's definitely a fair bit of whiplash, especially given the drastically different tone of her last few recent posts. But I'm interested as always to hear from my followers with your take, regardless of whether you agree or disagree. Thank you for writing in! x

#angel19924 #reply post #michael sheen #welsh seduction machine #the way #when i tell you this was a very strange thing to wake up to #what even is happening here #because it's so vague it just looks like her throwing a fit over...something #and then Michael not interacting with any of these posts somehow makes it even more awkward #choices #not all of them good #but i will leave it to my followers to make up their own minds #anna lundberg #discourse

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exeggcute · 11 months ago

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okah I had that interview with my old job (if you can call it that, since they had no intention of recruiting me and I have no desire to return) and it was certainly illuminating lol. under a cut in case you don't give a shit about corporate nonsense but it's funny I promise

what it comes down to is that the role is "different" now in two key ways: (1) they want someone who currently is or has been a software engineer but also is a technical writer, and who'll start out as an IC and the only member of the team but will eventually scale up to grow the team and become a manager, and (2) has experience working directly with product teams, UX writing, GTM strategy, etc.

re. point two I mentioned that not only are those all things I did (because they're common things that most TWs do), but that they're listed on my resume almost verbatim, which is why linkedin kept telling me I'd be a good fit for the job, and re. point one I was frank and said that like, not only did the job posting itself not convey that at all (because again, I kept getting recommended for it, and everything else in the listing was bog standard TW shit), but basically Good Fucking Luck finding someone who fits that bill lmao. not that "engineer turned technical writer" is unheard of, but it's not the most common path people take, and especially in this job market I'm inclined to think that someone with an engineering background would gravitate towards jobs that pay an engineering salary (i.e., higher than that).

the person I spoke with was pretty receptive about the job listing feedback and said that she didn't write it, the VP of Whoever did, and that they have had quite a few candidates who match the skillset/background they're looking for but I'm skeptical. not to mention how they're not "officially" requiring it to be a hybrid role but they're trying to hire people "who are near the office," whatever that means.

in any case, this confirms all my suspicions about how waterlogged this company's hull currently is, and I wish all the best to whoever lands this role and finds themselves with way more responsibilities than they bargained for. god knows how overwhelmed I was by the end, even with three years of institutional knowledge under my belt. I can only hope the excellent readme files I left behind will make it easy for them to parse my docs toolchain.

also this was a great learning opportunity for me to realize that people suck at communicating what they want—which, okay, I knew that already, but like specifically for job postings. there are soooo many reasons you can apply to a job that perfectly matches your experience and get insta-rejected anyway, but it hadn't occured to me that "they actually want something totally different from what they wrote" could be one of them lol. and then I guess the flip side of that is how you can apply to a job posting and then wind up in a role that's not at all what was advertised. although that is one of the things you should try to sniff out ahead of time in an interview. so watch out I guess

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anonymousad · 1 year ago

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Shelterwood: a follow-up and apology

someone reached out to me after publishing my Shelterwood crowdfunding post with some very valid stuff that I want to address. they mistakenly sent it non-anonymously (something I confirmed with them before just responding to the Ask), so in the spirit of keeping things unidentifiable around here I am going to screenshot the entire message (so you can know I'm not selectively cutting anything out) and then I'll respond to it in chunks:

A Genuine Apology

so let's start with the first chunk of text:

I'm going to be straight with you: while there were absolutely some points you made about the Shelterwood crowdfund that I agreed with, like how unreasonable the goal seemed for a show produced by a novice showrunner, something's really sticking out here. That thing is that Stephen Indrisano and Nigel McKeon are both young, white, non-binary novice showrunners who secured some high-billing talent and picked unreasonably high crowdfunding goals, but you treated one of them with a lot of grace and understanding... and then turned around and not only accused the other of essentially being the problem with the current state of podcasting, but also called them cis in the process despite having acknowledged their pronouns earlier in your write-up. That was... certainly something. It's almost like you had a specific point you wanted to make, so you just sort of conveniently forget that Stephen is non-binary to make it. That or you don't actually think Stephen is non-binary and were engaging in some passive-aggressive gatekeeping, which also sucks, just in a different way.

this is 100% something I fucked up on, I will readily admit that. my accidental erasure of Stephen's identity as a non-binary person is not okay, intentional or not.

I wrote the initial post gradually over the course of just over a week, top to bottom, and then did a quick skim of it at the end to make sure things were still up-to-date in accordance with any updates to the campaign itself. a result of this is that between when I started the post (where I included Stephen's pronouns of "he/they)" and when I was writing some of the later parts I had forgotten this. I think part of the reason is that the campaign is not really about Stephen, so it isn't like there are consistent references to him as an individual. in the few places there are, such as the intro section of the main text and the FAQ, "he" is used exclusively, which I think mistakenly put that in my mind as Stephen having a male gender identity because I hadn't seen a self-identification as being non-binary on their website or Twitter. but someone deciding to use a specific set of pronouns in the text of something like this (to avoid confusion or for any other reason) does NOT invalidate their use of other pronouns elsewhere. similarly you don't have to outwardly proclaim your gender identity for it to be respected and not assumed as cis.

I am genuinely very sorry about this, it was a mistake and I am in the process of editing the original post to reflect Stephen's proper gender identity.

now then.

let's talk about the difference between Nigel (Among the Stacks) and Stephen and the way I approached them, because you're right that there was a difference.

I think a key way that these two projects differ is that one of them was very clearly made by someone who didn't know what they were doing and was in over their head. Among the Stacks was a clear trainwreck from the moment they started revealing how bloated the cast and crew were. I had many conversations with other creators during that early time where we were all wondering how this thing could function with so many cooks in the kitchen, and how you could have a coherent story with that many characters. it was clearly a product of someone new and over-excited who didn't have a real idea of how to do what they were dreaming of.

in contrast, Shelterwood seems to be genuinely well-thought out and approached like it was created by someone who has done their research and been part of the community for a while. it has a full concept with a clearly outlined size and goals and is a very realistic sounding first project. if it weren't for the goal and the rewards we wouldn't be talking about it at all. as a pitch it is perfectly reasonable.

I went a bit easier on Nigel because just from looking a lot of us could tell that Among the Stacks was going to end in disaster. we didn't know when or how, just that there was no way a project like that could actually succeed. I also knew from interactions between Nigel and other people that she was not very good at taking critique or hearing other people out on stuff that they didn't agree with. I went into that post with the intention of being harsh but fair, because I wanted Nigel to hear what I had to say and LISTEN. not just brush it off as "someone is jealous of my amazing idea and so they are being mean". I was still a bit mean in that post at some parts, I will admit that. my tone can swing a bit far on the sarcastic side, especially the longer I spend on a given post digging into things.

Shelterwood is full of people who should know better, something that it makes a point to brag about. it isn't just one person's dream project that they don't know how to wrangle, Stephen is clearly a proficient showrunner to have pulled all of this together (and I do genuinely find the show's concept to be interesting, even if I didn't really communicate that in the post as much as I could have). Stephen has ALSO been around the block a few times in regards to working on audio dramas, whether or not they have helmed their own. this means that from the start my expectations for them were higher.

my goal was not to accuse Stephen of being "the problem", but I think that this campaign is INDICATIVE of a lot of the "the problems" going on right now with audio drama crowdfunding.

I did seriously think about pulling the last section into a completely separate post, but what I wrote applies to the context of this campaign and so I felt it was important to have that connection. if I had been able to fully communicate my thoughts on it before now, say for the Arden campaign, it would have been part of that post. but it took me a lot of time to get those words down in a way that actually communicated what I think the problem is.

I know having it as part of the Shelterwood post has an implication, and the implication is correct that this campaign is PART of the problem, but it isn't the whole problem.

It's also very weird that you lumped Shelterwood, Arden, Among the Stacks and Afflicted in with The Magnus Protocol, which was on an entirely different level. They're not comparable. Not a single one of those first four shows actually made their crowdfund goals. In Afflicted's case, the all or nothing state of the crowdfund means 100% of that money was returned to backers. The Among the Stacks crowdfund was cancelled. Which means that for 50% of your given examples, literally none of that money ended up tied up in those shows rather than being contributed to other, smaller shows. This is not comparable with The Magnus Protocol crowdfund situation, and I think you know that.

it's 100% true that The Magnus Protocol is on a whole other level than these other campaigns, I said as much in my write-up. it is not comparable and I wasn't attempting to compare nearly $1 million USD to $26,000.

what I was attempting (and may have failed) to do was to point out that what Rusty Quill did was change the playing field for the worse. when looking at those two numbers you can much more easily make attempts to justify the high goals being asked for here, because in comparison that's downright reasonable to what they raised.

as a note: TMP had a funding goal of £15,000 (approx. $19,500 USD). so they weren't actually asking for hundreds of thousands of dollars to make 3 seasons of a show. in fact, what they asked for is less than the campaigns I'm trying to call out here. that Kickstarter has a lot of things that were suspect about it and felt slimey and exploitative, but the asking price was not really one of them.

however.

just because they didn't ASK for that much money doesn't mean they didn't know it would happen (maybe not to that extent, but still). this still had the same impact, which from what I can tell is making some people think that audio drama crowdfunding is for making a profit.

as for the next point about none of the shows except for TMA 2 hitting their goals:

the amount they are walking away with isn't really the point.

at the end of the day, it's about the fact that the more stuff like this happens, the more it is NORMALIZED. and these kinds of goals getting normalized is harmful.

as an example, in the world of video games there is something called "microtransactions". for anyone who doesn't know, these are additional, small purchases you make in a game that you often have already paid upwards of $60-70 USD for. in the beginning, they were marketed as "just cosmetic" and not going to impact gameplay. and so people didn't fight back too hard when EVERY game started implementing them. but of course, what that did was move the bar. it normalized people paying extra money on top of their purchase for something that used to be included for free with a game. and so the companies started pushing the needle further. and further.

now, this isn't a direct parallel for a lot of reasons, but when greed is being put forward as normal again and again (even when it continues to result in failure) it starts to cement it as something "normal". something to be expected.

the larger problem here is that these are unsustainable amounts of money to be trying to get out of the community.

which connects to this next section:

Speaking of The Magnus Protocol, there's also an assumption being made here that someone deprived of the option of helping one of these shows reach their crowdfund goal is automatically going to donate to another show... and I need you to remember that The Magnus Protocol's final tally was something stupid like 4000% of their original goal. Lower crowdfunding goals don't stop people from contributing once that goal has been reached. People just keep donating to that project. None of those people were donating to make sure the thing got made- they were donating because they liked The Magnus Archives, and the hard to swallow pill here is that that doesn't mean they would've contributed to other crowdfunds otherwise. I have my own issues with The Magnus Protocol thing. But the statement that that crowdfund snatched money out of the pockets of smaller shows by having an unreasonably high goal just straight-up does not hold water. That's nothing. It's 4000% less than nothing. You're allowed to be mad that that campaign got such a ridiculous amount of funding when so many smaller shows are struggling. You don't need to couch it in pseudo-logic to justify feeling that way. We're all mad about it. It's okay.

this is definitely a good call-out, this person is right that someone not donating to one campaign does not mean that money will go to another. in a lot of cases, the only reason someone sees a campaign is because it is being promoted by the things they already like (in The Magnus Protocol's case that obviously being The Magnus Archives), and that means they probably aren't going to be choosing between every campaign that is out there and deciding where their $5 is going to go. they might just as easily pocket it and buy a nice coffee the next day.

and that absolutely sucks, because it would be nice for the love that some people have towards specific shows to be something that extends to the whole medium.

but I do think there's something to be said for feeling like even a small donation is making an impact. I would feel kind of bad to only be able to give $20 towards a $10k+ goal, it isn't even a drop in the bucket towards what is needed and if I care enough to donate to something I do want it to succeed. but that same $20 to a campaign only asking for $3000? that's a lot more tangible of an impact. enough so that I could feel good about splitting that $20 between two projects maybe.

that isn't 100% the point of what you were saying, I know that. the reality is that not everyone in this community has a general investment in the success of others.

I think where that becomes the biggest problem is when some people only seem to have an investment in themselves, and no one else. that's where these things become problems, when the larger needs of the community are ignored for the sake of a few who repeatedly succeed.

I'm kind of bleeding a bit into my response to the next part, so here that chunk is:

And do I agree that we as a community need to start talking about what is and is not realistic when it comes to crowdfunding? Yeah, absolutely. You have a point there. That's a valuable and timely observation and I'm glad somebody said it. Unfortunately, the value of that point was absolutely buried by the extremely obvious fact that this time, in this case, something about this project is personal for you. I don't know what it is specifically, but I do feel the need to ask: You are aware that Tal Minear is involved in the show as a graphic designer and minor actor, right? They have nothing to do with the crowdfund or the rest of production. Their name being attached doesn't mean they're secretly running the show. This is not Tal's show. They'd be credited as a producer if they were that involved. So why do you feel the need to keep bringing them up? Anyway, it's extremely difficult to take your analysis in good faith when it's so transparently motivated by some sort of personal distaste for somebody/the people in the project, and that's a shame, because some of the things you're saying have value.

I certainly didn't shy away from pointing a bit of a finger at Tal Minear for promoting this ideology, among others. their clear involvement in this project makes me immediately more suspicious, because Re: Dracula was a self-admitted cash grab. and that stain on their character is not going to go away for me.

it's less that it's "personal" for me, and more that this is a figure in the community that I have repeatedly seen presented as an expert that MUST be listened to. including by themself. ESPECIALLY when it comes to the matter of crowdfunding.

now, if I were friends with someone like that AND they were involved with my project that was about to have a campaign, would I not lean on that resource? even just for advice on how to put it together and what needs to be included. Tal just wrote a small little article for Descript that has some very generic crowdfunding tips, so they are arguably the most knowledgeable person involved in the campaign to go to for advice and feedback.

I know for a fact that Tal has given crowdfunding advice unsolicited to people running campaigns, usually in the form of asking why crew is not being paid appropriately (a valid question in most cases where actors tend to get a huge portion of the budget). so I can't imagine a world where they didn't give at least a little input to a friend for a show that they are actively involved in.

I don't think they are running anything behind the scenes, no, Tal is not part of some audio drama Illuminati. but I do recognize the high esteem to which they are held by MANY community members.

my goal was to call out the culture that has grown around audio drama crowdfunding, and the ways that I've seen it hurting most people who attempt to do it. I have noticed that Tal is a big part of what has normalized that.

as for the ways in which I brought them up, yeah I like to be a bit snide and I probably laid it on a bit thick. it's easy to get carried away in these things, especially towards someone that I am admittedly not a huge fan of.

that is the extent to which it could be considered "personal" for me, but I understand if you don't believe that or if that still had too much of an impact on taking the rest of what I said seriously. that is your choice and I respect it, it's just very difficult for me to separate out their involvement given what I know outside of this.

You're just completely undercutting that value by surrounding it with so much pointless nitpicking and snideness. What happened to "#but actually my intention is to be thoughtful and not mean"? You claim to be acting in the interest and defense of the community, but as the creator of a small podcast that nets me absolutely zero profit, I'm not feeling it. This feels like it's about you, not the rest of us.

this is absolutely fair.

I am just one person at the end of the day. I've talked to others, discussed the situation surrounding this campaign and others like it with them, but I am the one typing it down and inserting my voice and my take on it.

as such, I am not going to be a perfect mouthpiece for everyone's thoughts about this stuff.

I WANT to be one that is largely beneficial, however.

sometimes I lean a bit heavy into the snideness for the sake of keeping things interesting; these write-ups are LONG and as a writer I recognize you have to do something to keep people engaged so they actually absorb what you are saying.

is that the right approach? probably not for everyone, but it is part of a reflection of my own voice that it comes out like this.

"#but actually my intention is to be thoughtful and not mean" is something I wrote, something that I still want to keep in mind but sometimes I fail at that. in this case, I found it hard to stick to.

repeatedly seeing campaigns like this is disheartening to me, it wears me out. there is an amount of what a lot of people might see as "bitterness", but it's not really about any specific project or person.

I think my massive fucking rant at the end of that post about capitalism ruining audio dramas with the need to make money unsustainably says a lot about how I feel about the current financial state of the world. a lot of that "bitterness" is from this deep rage towards to the system, directed outwards where it can be. maybe the flow of it was a bit strong on this one, but it is still an accurate reflection of the way that I see things.

note, an accurate reflection to ME. it's okay if it isn't accurate to you, that's part of why the conversations need to happen.

part of why I do the math breakdowns for the budget is to help myself try and get a grasp on what those numbers mean. the human brain is not really formatted to understand large quantities of things, especially something that is usually intangible in those high amounts like money. I also do it because I want to give someone the opportunity to say "actually, you're wrong because this does add up. you are just missing part of the picture."

I know the way I approached this might come off as defensive, that's not my intention. I decided to break it down like this so that no one would think I'm trying to skip over feedback or ignore certain points that make me look bad.

everything that this person said to me is a valid response to what I wrote, including the things I pushed back on.

I am very grateful that they reached out to me, and I want to continue the conversation. ESPECIALLY if they feel that I did not hear them here.

my responses are just that. a response. they are not a claim of being right or these reactions being unjustified. we are all only in our own heads, and the conclusions we come to are usually based in rationality. my mind is open to being changed, I want to see as full a picture as possible.

if you disagree with what I've said, that is fine.

if you agree with what I've said, that is fine.

if you aren't sure, that is also fine.

we're talking about something complex and nuanced and just because I'm the one bringing these things up doesn't mean I have the RIGHT opinion or that I am the person who SHOULD be saying it.

there is a reason that I am anonymous here, and it's mostly because the conversation is more important than who is speaking.

as always, my inbox and Asks are open.

feedback welcome, I mean that.

#anonymous ad #crowdfund tips #shelterwood crowdfund #Stephen Indrisano #Tal Minear #among the stacks crowdfund #The Magnus Protocol crowdfund #“but actually my intention is to be thoughtful and not mean” is something I will do better to keep in mind #at the end of the day I do want this to make us a better community #sorry that capitalism ruins everything as per usual

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aeternallis · 1 year ago

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KM Discord Server

As a POC (SE Asian) who was also dogpiled on a much a smaller scale in another discord server, and as one who'd witnessed in real time the events that unfolded in December 2023 in the KM discord server, I think the one thing that's been lost in all this chaos and drama is the human decency of giving people the benefit of the doubt.

Feel free to skip this section!

And for a little background, here's my experience: I reblogged a post on my blog and ranted about a few headcanons that I don't agree with in the tags. Some people read my tags, and concluded from that one post that I'm an outright ableist. Mind you, it was one day, and one post when I had absolutely no filter. Yet still, in which case, the conclusion drawn about me was fair, since in retrospect, I see where I went wrong. Again, I was frustrated for one day in that post and did not think of my tone whatsoever. I face the repercussions of that misjudgment today. For the record, just because I'm a POC, it doesn't mean that I'm immune to hurting other people, no matter the fact that that was never my intention. I did hurt certain individuals with that one damn post and the tags I wrote, and I'll be apologetic and remorseful about it for a long time. But having said that, I'd honestly expected certain people in this fandom to be mature enough to reach out in private first and ask for some clarifications, not to be immediately gossiped about in the discord server we were a part of. On top of that, besides that one incident, I hadn't even realized there was already growing resentment towards the metas I've written for KP/Kimchay, besides one of the few times I brought up personal frustrations I experienced as a POC. Lol

From what I've noticed with this incident in the KM server as well as the small discord server I was a part of, when POC share their own cultural context and understanding of something, not just the piece of media for which is the reason why we were all there in the first place, the knee-jerk reaction for most westerners are almost always to think of those things as "fandom policing."

In fact, in a separate conversation from my experience, one of them even said, "it's not so much about culture!" LOLOL To have that sentiment hurled towards me, while I was speaking of my frustrations of when culture erasure takes place in conversations of certain topics, while the conversation took place in a discord server meant to celebrate an Asian piece of queer media…was quite an experience. XD Goodness, I can only wonder what it's like to be able to have the privilege to say that so easily. That's all I'll say. Ha~

Yet still, from my own point of view, do I call the people who hurt me “individuals with a colonizer mindset” and that other word that’s hanging around right now and unsaid, just because of these few incidents? My knee-jerk reaction is to say yes, considering I wasn't even given a chance to explain myself, but I'll clamp that knee-jerk reaction down as much as I can, because despite everything, I still personally think the KM discord server and that other discord server still did more good than bad (not by much though), in the grand scheme of things. Those servers allowed for some instances of astounding cross-cultural communication (even if it also allowed rampant western ignorance to thrive), and for what it's worth, there are still good people in this community, despite everything.

And at the end of the day, who am I to hurl hurtful labels towards those who'd hurt me, when I hardly even knew them in the first place (two of them I never even talked to, LOL), and I know to myself that they meant no harm at the end of the day. Even if they certainly didn’t hesitate to throw the label “ableist” at me without a second thought.

It's a serious thing to throw a label like that at someone, even if my own experience as a POC who was dogpiled on by a number of westerners...hmm, let's stop that train of thought.

Getting back on track. Even still, these opinions I hold won't erase the experiences of other POC members in this fandom and in the KM discord server, the hurt they've experienced, nor can I speak for any one of them.

I think the bad habit of knee-jerk reactions—specifically the knee-jerk reaction of those wanting to protect the KM discord server in the way that's perceived to result in the least amount of drama, the gut instinct to not want to be caught in the crossfire, the conscious choice to tolerate such things, for the sake of preserving the safe space that one has left—is pretty much what's dominating the behaviors of people responsible right now.

The mods who run such servers like the KM server and others like it—they're not perfect, but I would have at least expected from them to be more open and proactive to the concerns of its POC members. Perhaps it's too much to expect that they would be equipped to handle very sensitive issues as the ones its POC members experienced, but damn...the bar is quite low, even just to meet the minimum.

And that's the most frustrating thing, to be honest. All this time, in all these various situations for those who’ve spoken out, it's the POC members of the community who are ALWAYS the ones who are pressured to having to give people the benefit of the doubt, to have to be careful of what they say, but NOWHERE in these situations is that sentiment even remotely returned to POC.

It was the POC members affected by the incident in December who had to remain patient with the mods, it was the POC members who had to face the backlash of negativity that happened, it’s the POC members of the community who’ve had to face the accusations of fandom policing, it’s the POC members of the community who have to face daily micro aggressions in this fandom, when all we’ve done is express opinions and our viewpoints.

At the end of the day, it’s POC members of the community who face the repercussions of having spoken out, yet the rest of the westerners in this community have the damn luxury to walk away, unscathed, to think to themselves that they did nothing wrong.

So I’ll be blunt this one time: yes, for the most part, there are good people in this fandom, there are. But even so, not a single one of us here is perfect, we’re all human.

And if I do say so myself, there is indeed quite a desperate need for fandom spaces, not just the KP fandom, to decolonize their ways of operating, starting with: giving POC the benefit of the doubt and actually trying to handle our concerns with some effort.

#KinnPorsche #KimChay #kinnporsche the series #KM discord server #yet again #another piece of Asian queer media #being taken over by westerners #and their callous attitude towards POC #what else is freakin’ new

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onewomancitadel · 2 years ago

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This is one of my hypotheticals, with the caveat that the thought of Jaune and Cinder with anybody else makes me cry and throw things - but I can put it aside for a moment.

So you all don't see the sort of stuff I get in my inbox, and before Tumblr changed its rules there was someone who left a lot of spam about Jaune/Ruby. I hope he's okay after Volume 9. But the irony of it, of course, is that he viewed me as an enemy when Jaune/Ruby - with the stipulation of developing the Penny Problem properly, which they didn't (for the purposes of romance, I mean) - is the only other plausible Jaune ship I think I could tolerate in canon.

That's partly because Cinder-Ruby and Jaune-Oscar are twinned already - the first two even more prominently, but Jaune/Cinder and Ruby/Oscar are effectively edgy and light versions of each other as pairings - and partly because it avoids that gross replacement goldfish implication of Pyrrha warming Weiss' spot. I also like the development of their interactions generally, and if you leant in a much darker direction (like the Ruby/Oscar relationship necessitates at some point) with Jaune in particular then it could be made to work.

It wouldn't and couldn't be classic guy-gets-girl, foregone conclusion from the minute they meet type stuff - I think to be tonally true it has to be playful like the other canon pairings, in a bittersweet fashion. Blake/Yang and Ren/Nora both go in unlikely directions; Jaune/Ruby would need to be a similar case. But the interesting thing is that as much as I'm attached to Jaune/Cinder (OTP for life, my favouritest ship to ever ship, the ship I have been searching for all of my life), I am partly attached to it because of the way R/WBY conceives of romance, and I'm making an argument for it on the basis of R/WBY, not on the sole basis of my personal desires and preferences. That would mean that if they wrote Jaune/Ruby well, it's probably the only other pairing for them both that could actually be done... well, without completely losing the plot tonally and thematically. But then you start crunching the numbers with both Oscar and Cinder and we're kind of up shit creek structurally. But if you went into writing R/WBY with the intention of keeping the character arcs for both Jaune and Ruby mostly as-is, it's almost applicable. Almost!

But it's not really because it's cute or because it meets the bland conception of romance which is guy and girl look at each other and boink. It actually has to be an actual experience of romantic love and realise their character arcs and narrative role in the story.... similarly to Jaune/Cinder and Ruby/Oscar, it would have to be a slow-burn and basically seem impossible for a long time, especially with The Penny Problem. Actually, when you think about it, The Penny Problem basically had the potential to be what The Pyrrha Problem was for Jaune/Cinder, but if you're rewriting this for Jaune/Ruby you'd have to rewrite that, too. But it does tickle me that Jaune and Cinder are alike that way.

Now - spitting the dummy aside about the implication of Jaune and Cinder not ending up together - I do find it funny that I had so many asks about Jaune/Ruby (there were legions of them in response to multiple posts I had made about Knightfall, suggesting somebody was very upset and anxiously awaiting my response) when like, yeah I think if you tilted your head it might have once been possible. I don't think it is at all or was ever intended as such - and certainly not for the reasons this aggrieved individual believed - but don't ever think I'm not trying to give credit where it's due. I'm willing to entertain the other side... on my own terms when people aren't being annoying. (:

But ironically the similarities of Jaune/Ruby to Jaune/Cinder (and Ruby/Oscar by extension) actually kind of justifies by extension the reading of those pairings. Because Jaune/Cinder is on crack and edgy and fun and the Jaune-Ruby friendship clearly sets up part of its drama (and emotion). Which is why I love making a case like this, because it makes me reconsider canon and reconsider my position on the pairings I think are going to be canon. I don't ship Ruby/Oscar (not yet at least) and I think considering why Jaune/Ruby could conceivably work teases out why Ruby/Oscar conceivably can work - if it goes the direction Penny couldn't - and that Jaune and Oscar are similar in that the romance with either of them, and especially the latter, has to be divorced from the schools in some way, and Ruby's sense of Huntressing and related to something deeply personal.

Anyway Jaune/Cinder 4 lyfe.

#seraphina ruminates over V9 #rwby9 #I don't know what to tag this #hypothetical canon game #my favourite to play

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the-witches-you-couldnt-burn · 4 years ago

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It started with a whisper

I originally wrote ‘Like I did with you’ as a one-shot but people wanted a sequel. This turned out to be waaaaay longer than expected (4.7k word count). Inspired by Everybody Talks by Neon Trees. I hope you lot enjoy!

Ao3

(Also this is Mari’s new outfit, all credits go to the original artist)

————

Two teens stood upon the balcony of a large banquet hall, exposed to the midsummer night air. The sky was a lilac blanket that hung over the Parisian buildings, speckled with glowing stars. The moon, with it’s crescent smile, beamed down of the young couple.

Hey, baby, won't you look my way?

Marinette’s eyes were closed as she rested her head upon his shoulder, relaxing after the night’s rapid escalation. Tonight she had arrived at the ball with the intent to be there for her friends, but somehow she found herself within the arms of Gotham’s (and probably Paris’) Ice Prince. She had overheard his nickname from the Gotham students, one of which being Jon, who was in the middle of mocking the young Wayne. She had never considered that nickname as suitable; sure he was temperamental & had a tendency to snap, but icey to the core? No.

I can be your new addiction

Damian was calm. For the first time in his life he felt like he could take a breath. His exhale was carried off by a small gust of wind, the bush over hanging the stone railing rustled. With his inhale, the scent of Marinette’s perfume became present once more. Mixed with the crisp night’s air, her usual scent of pastries was mixed with what could only be described as ambrosia. His phone vibrated within his pocket, it was never on volume due to the potential risk it caused during his heroic activities.

“Shit.” Notifications covered his screen, multiple tweets, Instagrams and Tiktoks in which he had been tagged in. But the alert came from his family’s private messaging chat. The whole thread was a shit storm, Grayson and Todd’s messages were completely capitalised (he learnt years ago this meant ‘to yell’ in writing form) and both had multiple ‘keyboard spasms’. Drake, like the thorough detective he is, had combed through the images and videos, investigating their validity. His honorary sisters had replied with ‘awwwww’(s) and ‘Omg we MUST meet this girl! I need to know how she tamed the demon!’. He could practically hear Brown’s shrill voice from across the ocean.

Hey, baby, what you gotta say?

No reply from his father or Alfred. The two of them were the only semblance of ‘normal’ paternal figures he had within his life, after the sham of a relationship he had previously held with his grandfather. Their silence unnerved him.

Marinette had noticed his attention had shifted to his phone, her own mobile was buzzing away within her baby pink purse. Messages, notifications of account tagging and comments galore. A sigh left her lips when she saw her parents seemed to be none the wiser. Good, she didn’t need to deal with future adoration for ‘The boy who swept our daughter off of her feet’ (or something along those lines).

Her cheeks regained some of the warmth they held before as she thought of her parent’s reaction. Scrolling through her Twitter she saw her friends had posted multiple images of the night’s events, majority being her shared dance.

Chloé Bourgeois @TheBestBourgeois

what kind of Disney shit is this? (Insert video of two teens dancing around an mostly empty dance floor.)

Alix Kubdel @Sk8trGirl

Replying to @TheBestBourgeois

I KNOW RIGHT?! THEY WERE FUCKING FLOATING!!!

All you're giving me is fiction

She was thankful that they hadn’t tagged her but she hadn’t been spared by others in attendance. Her post thread had blown up, thousands had commented and even more had viewed the evidence. There was no way she would come out of this unscathed.

“Has anyone been on Twitter today?” The blonde of the family asked as she walked into the dining room. Her eyes focused on her scrolling screen, brows furrowed in confusion. “Actually has anyone seen what’s happening on any of our socials?”

It was early in the afternoon and the family had recently returned home after a straining stakeout. The Joker had broken out of Arkham and the Batfam had to deal with his minions. Dick’s arm was in a sling (sprained from a grapple gone wrong), Jason was icing his hand, Alfred was stitching Bruce’s chest wounds while Tim and the girls escaped without severe injuries. All were still recuperating and finally able to recharge.

Alfred always enforced a strict ‘no devices at the dinner table’ rule; no matter how urgent it was, it could wait until after sustenance was consumed. Tim strongly opposed this, but there was no arguing with Agent A. This all surmises that probably no one had seen the crap storm on social media.

I'm a sorry sucker and this happens all the time

Bruce sighed, bringing his free arm up to rub his eyes. Tilting his head back to look at Steph, “Who was it this time?” Barbara quickly took out her phone to see what Stephanie was talking about, all the while glancing accusingly at Dick and Jason. Both of whom held up their arms (or in Dick’s case arm), declaring their innocence.

“It wasn’t fucking me!”

“Jason! Language!” Dick shot a glare at Jason and was met with one in return. “It wasn’t me either.”

“Then who-“ Bruce started before being cut off by his most rambunctious daughter.

I found out that everybody talks

Stephanie with a squeal, exclaimed that it was Damian. Visions of what the Wayne brat could have done flashed through the heads of everyone in the room. He had been sent overseas before the quarantines and lockdowns hit. During Damian’s first month in France he had been forced into online schooling and then finally when he got to go to in-person classes he hated it. Described the class as a kindergarten with petty and vindictive toddlers.

Had he broken someone’s arm? Was that person of such importance that it had spread over multiple social media platforms? France’s government had announced on June 15th, that teens were now being inoculated so him having COVID-19 was doubtful. Had he insulted the wrong person? Had he taken over the government? He certainly had the potential.

Everybody talks, everybody talks

What they saw stunned them, even Steph as she watched it for the 7th time. Damian Wayne was dancing. But not only that, he was dancing with a girl.

It started with a whisper

“What is this shit?”

No one verbally objected to Jason’s outburst but he was sent a harsh glare from Alfred, Dick and Bruce. Their focus soon returned to the images and videos before them. Babs’ and Steph’s phones were returned to them as the others ran to grab their own devices. They all met back at the table, comparing the posts and comparing their notes.

I can hear the chitchat

“There’s no way this can be real.”

“Jesus Tim,” Barbara rolls her eyes, “have you seen the amount of posts there are? You’d be an idiot to think otherwise.”

Take me to your love shack

“I’m with Tim, how do we know this isn’t some skit. I mean, Demon Spawn almost looks normal. That’s a matter of concern.” He almost dry heaved when he agreed with Tim. Damian couldn’t be capable of naturally exuding that amount of humanity unless there was something in it for him.

Mamas always gotta backtrack

“I was just saying Babs, that we should check the credibility of these images. For all we know they could be gorilla glued together and trying to get unstuck.” Tim cringed at his own reasoning, he really needed to either sleep (probably not going to happen anytime soon) or find his favourite coffee brand (which had been one of the first to vanish after the covid hoarders appeared).

When everybody talks back

Dick was too busy freaking out and spam messaging the youngest Wayne, to defend Damian’s humanity. The family saw this and followed suit, wanting to get information from the source.

Chat name: Alfred supremacy

BigBird: AHHHHHH DAMIAN!

BigBird: YOU LOOK SO CUTE!!!

BigBird: HAIFJDNDNFI

LittleWing: WTF HAPPENED DEMON SPAWN YOU LOOK ALMOST HUMAN

Babs: who knew the city of love would influence the brat

Blondie: they are so cuteeeeeee!

Blondie: We HAVE to meet her!

Silent-but-deadly: agreed.

Timbo: YO DEMON

Timbo: Apparently the videos are legit

Timbo: are you being blackmailed?

And it just devolved into more chaos from there, fueled by the fact that they saw Damian’s ‘Blood Son’ account appear online before vanishing once more. Dick shrieked, “I FOUND HER ACCOUNT!”

The family gathered around the eldest son, peering over his shoulder to view his iPhone 12max screen. They saw a young girl’s Instagram account. It was locked but they could see her profile pic, the girl had black hair and looked to be if Asian decent. They compared it to the videos but it was hard to see due to the hall’s lighting and the minimised facial features of the pfp. Alfred suggested that they search up her username and see who has tagged her, some might have other photos of her.

After research for awhile, the family began to get frustrated with lack of results.

Hey honey you could be my drug

You could be my new prescription

“Come on!” Jason complained, “What kind of teenage girl doesn’t post her life online?” He ignored the girls glares and went back to researching. How had the account by the name of ‘mariiiiinette’ to managed to prevent the entire Wayne clan from accessing it? Damn Instagram privacy settings. He groaned, dragging a hand down his face, “We are fucking stupid. Why don’t we just use the Bat-computer? It would be so much fucking easier.”

“It shouldn’t be used for civilian issues-“

Too much could be an overdose

“The girl could be a meta for all we know! We aren’t safe until we know who she is.” Jason points a finger at Tim, his paranoia flared up and even though he would never admit it, Jason would do anything to protect each member of his family (although Bruce is still debatable).

All this trash talk make me itching

Barbara and Tim took their usual positions as Oracle and Red Robin (who had been banned from patrol due to lack of sleep). The rest of the Batfam stood behind them either with arms crossed or still failing at researching.

Oh my my shit

“The account is owned by a girl called Marinette Dupian-Cheng. She is French-Chinese and her parents own a popular bakery. Also if it wasn’t already obvious, she goes to Collège Françoise Dupont, aka Damian’s French school.” Tim begun informing his nosy family, “But this account has been inactive for the past 6 months, which is strange due to her frequent posting schedule before hand. It seems she probably has a second account and this is her old one.”

Everybody talks, everybody talks

“Not only that,” Barbara interrupted. “There are unopened messages from other accounts that accuse her of being a bully. There is a whole Facebook page about this girl and how she has been hurting her old friends, but neither side seems reliable. The so called victims seem to be twisting the truth but there is barely any information about Marinette so we can’t disprove it either.”

“Read out some of the messages.” Bruce took a cup of coffee from Alfred and sipped it.

The main screen of the bat computer displayed a Facebook group with the banner picture being a photo of Marinette. “They are mostly complaints expected of teen girls when there is a girl they don’t like; ‘Marinette is such a know-it-all’, ‘She is constantly insulting Lila’s intelligence’. They go on to talk about how Marinette was briefly expelled from the Collège before being reinstated by the principle for a reason unknown to them.”

Everybody talks too much

“Her school reports up until this year were good. The newest one states, ‘While Marinette is a wonderful and bright student, I encourage her to settle her disagreements outside of class. This seems to only be a recent occurrence and I implore her to go to the guidance council if she is in need of help.’” A beat of silence echoes through the cave, Tim sighed. “Jason’s meta theory could be correct. She could have just recently started exhibiting her abilities and using them to get what she wants.”

“Bruce what do you want to do?”

“We’re going to Paris.”

She opened her eyes to the blaring morning light that streamed through the blinds. Her lashes still painted with mascara that refused to leave. She felt a pang of sorrow when she was removing her makeup and dress last night, she never wanted the night to end. She shuffled down the stairs to the kitchen, covering her mouth when she yawned. She greeted her mother as she entered the kitchen to get breakfast.

She glanced at her phone and there was the chaos that was started hours ago and it was still occurring. It was the weekend, she wouldn’t need to deal with her classmates until Monday. But she would still have to survive her parent’s interrogation. Out of the corner of her eye she caught her mother smirking at her.

Everybody talks

“Nadja told me some interesting news about last night.” Marinette held her breath, glaring at the toaster, willing it to hurry up so she could escape. “Well,” Sabine patted her shoulder before rubbing Mari’s back. “I know you didn’t want to go but I hope you had fun.”

With that she exited the kitchen, probably going to help her father in the bakery. The ravenette stared after her, eye widened in shock, jumping when the toaster went off. Buttering her toast she went over the conversation, her brows furrowed in confusion. She had expected a ‘When do I get to meet the oh so famous prince?’ or ‘Should I be expecting a new guest sometime in the near future?’ or at least a ‘Who was that young man, Bǎozàng (宝藏 it means treasure)?’ But she said nothing.

A small smile was plastered upon her face as she changed and went down to help her parents in the bakery. Her father didn’t say anything either, he gave her a knowing smile before continuing to kneed the dough. She sat at the the store front as the cashier whilst her parents were busy making ‘Paris’s Finest Pastries’.

Her musings slowly faded as she was brought back to reality by badly hushed whispers. Two young preteens were by the bread roll casing near the door. She had seen them come in before with their parents, the girls went to the prestigious international school over in the 16th arrondissement. The one with purple hair kept whispering to the brunette, both ‘subtly’ glancing towards her. Using her enhanced hearing she listened in on their conversation.

“That’s her, I swear that’s her in the video.”

The blonde’s face soured likes she sucked on a lemon. “No, it wasn’t good lighting there is no way he would dance with someone like her.”

Everybody talks

Marinette had tough skin but their words had an impact, only a small one due to her defence mechanism of repressing emotions. She stopped listening and went back to drawing in her sketchpad, she was in desperate need of a new school outfit.

The two girls eventually came up to the counter, goods in hand. Marinette rung up and bagged their items (paper because save the turtles sksksk) in a tired daze. A phone was shoved into her face, her eyes barely adjusted to view the screen before the blonde spoke.

“Is this your instagram?” She asked in a tone so snobbish that it should be illegal from a person her age. Marinette finally was able to view the screen that was barely an inch from her face. Her old Instagram ‘mariiiiinette’ was displayed on screen, she hesitantly nodded, gaze flicking back to the two in front of her.

The blonde’s nose scrunched up and the purple goth girl squealed in delight. They soon after left the store, their conversation had devolved into ‘See! I told you’ and ‘Yeah, yeah. You were right.’

Walking to school on Monday, she had finally come down from cloud nine. She still rode the tail end of her high as she rushed along her path to her campus, she wasn’t going to be late but she sure wasn’t going to be early. She had spent the better part of the weekend designing and sewing a brand new outfit. Her new look was composed of a black cropped singlet (L'amour gagne hemmed into it and it’s straps), paired matching peach plaid cropped overshirt and a-line miniskirt. Her hair was down, ballet flats were worn and her makeup was the usual with the added edition of a rose gold eyeshadow.

Even though her face was covered in a black and gold mask, she looked hot.

She reached the campus and the whispers started again, people were still buzzing from Friday night. Her classmates, the majority of her grade and the younger years seemed to gossiping before class about the formal’s events. She couldn’t spot any of her friends or the two Gotham transfers, so she was stuck listening the the chitchat. Why couldn’t she have been late like usual?

Damian had a fowl disposition and it showed in multiple icey glares (and that was before he even reached the collège). His family had made their appearance known in Paris at 1am Sunday morning. He could have used his dorm to escape but his family didn’t have the word ‘privacy’ within their vocabulary. He didn’t want to have to pay for a lock replacement due to his brothers’ (most likely Todd with Drake & Grayson laughing at him) lock picking habit.

The Ice Prince was back with full force. He had just been... influenced by all the other couples. Yes he did respect Dupain-Cheng and he appreciated her company & pleasant conversations. He would struggle to hide a small smile at the memory of the dance, even if he denied himself the happiness of normality, he felt content when reminiscing.

“Ooo the Ice Prince is here, did he have a fight with his princess or something?” The voice seemed to mock him.

“The Disney Magic is gone. The demon is back.”

Everybody talks

At the second jeer he shot a glare at the perpetrator. Jon held his hands up in an ‘I surrender manner’, laughing as he joined Damian at his side. The two entered the school’s large foyer and looked to see if any of the classes were open yet. Sadly they weren’t, before he was wrong and the his class was plain torture but this was truely hell.

He saw Dupain-Cheng sitting alone on the stairs, drawing within her sketchpad. He wondered how a girl like her, who always seemed to be involved in other’s lives (for the better) was ignoring all of the comments about her. She felt his focus centre on her, eyes flicking up to meet his, she provided him with a small wave before continuing to draw.

Jon nudged him with an elbow to his ribs and dragged him off to the side, into the boy’s locker rooms. Jon scowled at the door, “It’s a mad house out there. You’ve heard what some people are saying right?”

“Why would I care about these imbeciles?”

Jon jabbed Damian in the chest, causing the demon to stumble. Green eyes darted from blue eyes to the tan finger. “You care when lies hurt people you care about.”

The day began to rapidly decline once the two dance partners took their seats, next to each other. They had both been placed up the back of the class and them sitting together hadn’t been a problem until now apparently. She wasn’t even safe when the teacher started their lecture, whispers and glances were cast towards them. Once the two got to biology it was better, Ms Mendeleiev was a strict teacher and was able to control the class.

Everybody talks

But the recess came. When the bell rang she slowly started packing up her equipment, Alix and Max (who she shared biology with) waited for her; she watched as the Ice Prince left through the door. She knew she didn’t need to be concerned about her friends joining in with the gossiping, if anything they would dispel people and tell them to ‘Mind their own fucking business’ because this whole situations is ridiculous, utterly ridiculous.

She did receive some slight teasing from Alix about being a Disney princess, but Marinette quipped back about the skater’s fairytale story being ‘Pinknette, the Geek and the Beast’. The three met up with the other two of their group, they had just come from geography. Kim was complaining that Argentina was a state in America.

“That’s Arkansas you idiot!” Chloe shrieked, lightly hitting his arm with her white handbag. Max held his head in his hand as he approached, how had his tutoring sessions failed so badly?

Chloe turned to Marinette, a smile forming from her glare. The blonde examined the designer’s clothing, nodding. “You look like you are about to have a hot girl summer.”

Marinette’s face burned, the tips of her ears coated in red. Alix chuckled and nudged her shoulder.

Everybody talks

“Look at her, she is so desperate for his attention that she probably copied those designs.”

“Why do you think he danced with her anyways? Maybe she has something on him? I mean, she forces him to sit next to her in class, who knows what else she has done.”

What. The. Fuck.

Chloe glowered towards Lila’s posy. “We have a fucking seating plan, those cretins-“ She made a motion to storm over but was caught by the ravenette, looking back to Mari, her rage decreased from a boil to a simmer.

“No Chlo. It’s fine, it’s not worth it.”

Everybody talks... back

The group walked out to the school’s front steps, it was a mad house... a mad courtyard? Students sitting on the stairs, on the grass and standing around mingling, all of them now were staring at her. She held her backpack close to her chest (she had swapped her signature coin-bag purse for the pastel pink bag), pretending its a shield. Her friends circled around her becoming an obstacle to prevent their stares. If people were afraid of a scowling Kim then they don’t know the scorn of Chloe or Alix’s bite. And Max, sweet quiet Max.... you better hope he doesn’t have blackmail on you (he probably does), he can dismantle your life with a single anonymous post.

Rushed footsteps approached them. The group was broken apart by a rude Wayne boy, he swept Mari away from the school and the gossip crowds within. Her four friends shouted at him and he kept walking, shooting a glare at them in response. He kept pushing Marinette forward with a hand placed on the small of her back, her backpack was now swung over his other shoulder.

They ended up in her favourite alcove. She had brought him here with the other Gotham transfers for a native’s tour of Paris. It had always been her safe place to be creative.

It started with a whisper (everybody talks, everybody talks)

“My apologises for our rushed departure but you seemed to want to get out of their anyhow.” His gruff tone danced through the silence, his head still peaking around the corner; watching for any unwelcome guests.

“Thank you.” She whispered, her voice almost being carried off by the gentle wind. A genuine smile illustrated upon her face.

“We weren’t able to converse after the events of the other night. I would like to formally apologise once more for my actions causing this adverse reaction. If I had kn-“

“You don’t need to apologise!” She squeaked, hiding her eyes behind her fisted hand. Her shoulders curled inwards as she tried to make herself seem as small as possible, a side effect of her common use of her secondary miraculous form: Multimouse.

“I chose to dance with you, you don’t need to apologise for my own actions.” He stared at her with confusion. He had taken the blame so she wouldn’t need to do so herself; but she had taken it anyways. He had given her an out. Why does she always take the blame, even for things out of her control?

“But if I hadn’t danced with you then you wouldn’t have been the focus of the entire school.”

Marinette stepped forward, her eyes hardened and blazing. “Damian Friday night I went there out of obligation to my friends, I didn’t want to be there. But dancing with you? That was the highlight of my week, probably my month too. I enjoyed our time together.” Her face softened, lips twitched downwards ever so slightly. “I don’t regret anything about that night, but do you?”

He was bad at comfort. Everyone in his family avoided him when they were in need, he plainly didn’t know what to do. She wasn’t visibly upset but he sensed that she is disappointed that he apparently didn’t share the same opinion of the night. The only thing he regretted about that night was letting Jon call him a coward, but then again if he didn’t he never would have danced with Dupa- Marinette.

He picked up her clenched hand, the tension in her body alleviated at his embrace. He remembered how Grayson would apologise to Kor’i or how his father interacted with Ms Kyle. He brought their hands up and placed a kiss upon her knuckles.

And that was when I kissed her (everybody talks, everybody talks)

“I do not regret anything either—“ he cleared his throat, “In fact, I’d appreciate if we would be able to interact more, especially outside of that cesspit.”

Was he...?

It didn’t matter.

She smiled the same dazzling smile she gave him at the dance. She nodded while laughing, “I’d love that.”

Everybody talks

The two stay talking, hidden within their secret alcove for the rest of the day. She texted her parents to say she was with a friend and would be back later that night. Damian didn’t bother texting his family, Marinette knew he had to be back soon due to his dorm’s curfew.

The sun was setting at they walked back together, he did the gentlemanly thing and dropped her off at her bakery door. She could see her mother behind the register inconspicuously looking over at the two of them. Damian’s lips quirked upwards, she was satisfied with his kinda-smile.

He walked back, hands in pockets and a neutral expression upon his face instead of a scowl. He reached his door and took his keys, he found that it was already open. Damn.

His family was splayed out within his two roomed dorm. Todd and Drake were fighting over a place to sit on his bed, whilst his father sat at his desk, watching the commotion. The three of them turned to him as he enter the room, they were the only family members able to attend on short notice; Cain had a ballet audition, Gordon & Brown had concert tickets for tomorrow, Grayson had to take care of Mar’i while Kor’i was on Tamaran and Alfred stayed to ensure no one died during their night time activities.

“We need to talk Damian.” His father stood, leaning onto the desk chair. “The school called and said you had an unexcused absence for half the day. Where were you Damian?”

Damian stared into his father’s eyes. He was fifteen, almost an adult, but was treated like he was ten again.

“I was with a friend.”

“Probably the girl from the dance. Marinette, right?” Todd mocked him. Damian snapped his head in the direction of his bed, glaring at both his brothers.

“That’s what I want to talk about with you Damian. Now I don’t know her personally but from what we’ve discovered through our investigation we have some concerns. What’s happened Damian?”

The youngest Wayne’s glare shifted off of his brothers to the floor, and then finally to his father; his family sitting in wait for his answer. Straightening his posture, his shoulders clicked as he rolled then back. His statement’s tone was sure and steady, “Everybody talks father.”

Everybody talks... back

#maribat #marinette x damian #mlb x dc #batfam salt #batfam is concerned #Daminette #the aftermath of ‘Like I did with you’#everybody talks by neon trees #max kante has blackmail and will use it #Alix will bite if provoked #dc x mlb #damian wayne x marinette dupain cheng #Marinette Dupain-Cheng is a meta?#supportive Dupain-Cheng parents ❤️

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thatcrazycrowgirl · 4 years ago

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Knowing

This is just a short something I randomly wrote up in a few hours and decided to post on a whim. It’s actually a piece that features my Syndicate OC, Magnolia (who’s heavily inspired by the first JacobxReader fic I ever wrote, for anyone who’s curious).

Also, my apologies for the slightly somber tone.

To anyone who reads this, enjoy, I guess.

(Also tagging @nemo-my-name-forevermore, as she’s been with me through thick and thin with developing this character. Love ya! <3)

------

The waters of the Thames were quiet as they lapped up against the man-made barriers that had been built to keep the river contained. Jacob Frye was leaning against a railing above it, watching as the last rays of the setting sun vanished, and the distant flickering of the lamps across the river appeared, as the lamp lighters brought them to life. The area he was in was unusually lifeless and near-silent, as only the occasional person passed by - leaving Jacob's brain as the only loud thing at present.

Normally, he'd be back at the hideout at this time. However, given how things between him and his twin sister, Evie, had been becoming only more tense lately, especially after she heard about the bus system being in shambles after he had ended the life of Pearl Attaway, he figured it'd be best to wait and return once she was sleeping. He really wasn't in the mood for another lecture that week.

"Jacob…? Is that you?" a female voice then addressed him, breaking through his thoughts. He tensed for a moment, thinking his sister had gone out of her way to track him down, but when his brain registered that the voice had a distinct transatlantic accent, he relaxed.

Turning his head, he saw that it was indeed Miss Magnolia Benson - the aspiring writer who initially regarded him as a nuisance when they first met, but had softened towards him over time. She was giving him a look of puzzlement and concern now.

Quickly hiding his own worry with a mask of nonchalance, he turned fully around, leaning back against the railing, with his elbows resting upon it. "Well, if it isn't the ever-inquisitive Miss Nolie - always sticking her nose in areas of the city she shouldn't," he smirked. "So, tell me: what's a fine lady like you doing out so late?"

"Was looking over another case with Mr. Raymond. Took much longer than expected," she explained bluntly.

Jacob's smile dropped when he heard how tired she sounded.

"Have you eaten?" he asked with slight concern.

She shook her head. "Not yet. I was just on my way home, though, so I'll eat when I get there."

Jacob also shook his head, his grin returning slightly. "Nolie, Nolie, Nolie…you can't constantly be nagging me to take care of myself, when you yourself are setting a poor example," he pretended to scold.

She shrugged, smiling a bit.

"I almost didn't recognize you in those fancy togs," she then said, changing the subject. "So, tell me, what poor soul did you nick those clothes off of?"

Jacob looked offended as he turned back around to face the river and rested his arms on the metal railing once more. "I'll have you know I came about this outfit in the only manner polite society deems the 'honest way'…" He looked over his shoulder at her. "I paid for it."

Her smile grew with amusement at his indignant attitude. Placing her hands on her hips, she took a few steps towards him. "Well, I certainly hope you didn't pay too much - those colors look awful on you, and that top hat is much too small for your large head."

"Oh, so we're a fashion critic now, are we?" he bantered back sarcastically, though Magnolia could hear the somewhat playful tone in his voice.

"Figured I'd practice for a new profession, in case I'm unsuccessful in selling my stories," she laughed.

He tilted his head slightly, looking at her a bit more intently. "Well, you certainly seem have an eye for something. Although, I had hoped it was for me, and not my clothes."

The young woman blushed just a tad at his light flirting, averting her eyes for a few moments, while she tried to think of a clever comeback.

However, he spoke up again, before she could.

"So, what gave it away that it was me standing here, then?"

"The aura of your inflated ego is unmistakable," she jabbed lightly, as she walked up and leaned on the railing next to the young man. “Seriously, though, I honestly didn't recognize you at first…but the outfit suits you." Her smile turned genuine, and he grinned back at her.

Now being so close to him, she finally got a good look at his face, and when she did, she immediately noticed that his grin didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Something's bothering you."

It wasn't a question.

"Perceptive, as always," he complimented, almost chuckling, his eyes casting down on his crossed forearms. "You know me too well."

Magnolia was silent for a moment, her own eyes studying his profile, half-hidden by the dimness of the evening and the almost-black shadow cast by the brim of his hat. Did she really? Even after spending so much time together over the past few months after his arrival to London, she still had so many questions that had been left unanswered: What was with the strange-looking bracer on his forearm? What was it for? Why did he so often disappear just as quickly as he appeared in the first place? And just how much control did he and his gang have over the city's underworld?

Jacob Frye was a strange creature. So open, yet so mysterious at the same time.

But of course, if there was one thing Magnolia loved more than almost anything else, it was a good mystery.

Perhaps that was what kept drawing her back to him, even when she wasn't seeking him out.

She turned her eyes towards the Thames. "Sometimes, I'm not sure I know you at all, Jacob Frye," she confessed softly.

Glancing over, it was now Jacob who took the time to study her. He could see the fatigue on her face and the thoughtful look in her eyes, and at that moment, he found himself wishing there was something he could do to make her smile again. Unfortunately, his own pensive mood and heavy thoughts had left him less than jovial. So, he did the only thing he could think of - he took her hand and gently squeezed it.

She turned to him with slight surprise.

He was looking at her very seriously now - more seriously than she had ever seen him look before.

"Don't fret about it, love," he husked, his voice cracking a bit. "I'm not so sure I know myself, either."

For the next few seconds, the two of them just stared at each other, realizing seemingly for the first time just how young they were and how lost they felt in the massive, industrial, labyrinth-esque behemoth that was London. It was a surreal thing, seeing each other in such a sober state, when normally their conversations remained light and teasing.

It was as if they both were seeing a side of each other than had never been revealed before now.

Another beat passed, and Magnolia offered him a bittersweet smile. "Here's hoping we both find out who we are someday," she said, her voice just as thin.

Not having any verbal response to that, Jacob simply released her hand and slipped his arm around her shoulders to pull her closer. He then pressed a kiss to her blonde hair and rested his head upon hers with a deep sigh, as she laid hers upon his shoulder.

Both pairs of eyes returned to the river before them, watching with silent envy at how the water flowed so naturally with seemingly no issue or effort at all. Time was lost to them as they remained where they were, both individuals drowning in their thoughts, while trying to take what comfort they could from each other's presence.

Neither of them could predict the far future, or even what would happen tomorrow - but at that moment, in the present, just being with each other was enough.

Perhaps, that was all they truly needed.

#My AC Writings #AC OC: Magnolia #(just blacklist that tag if you don't want to see it)#(everyone else has been sharing their OCs lately so I thought what the hell I'd get on the bandwagon and share as well)

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buddha-in-disguise · 5 years ago

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100 episodes of Supergirl. And let me tell you it was a doozy.

Well that was an episode and then some. I haven't had a rewatch yet, so no doubt will pick up on some things once I do, but for now here are more immediate thoughts.

The first thing that struck me - it's now canon that Kara and Lena's destinies are intertwined. Who they become, who they were to who they are, whether or not they survive, hell, even whether or not those around them survive, depends on the other person. No-one else has the same impact in their life. Argue all you want, but that sure as hell is a definition of soulmates to me, platonic or otherwise.

If anyone of you are like me, and old enough to have been Xena fans, let me tell you this is so reminiscent of the “When Fates Collide” episode from season 6, which showed that in any alternate universe, Xena and Gabrielle still find each other. That it always comes back to the two of them. Fast forward some 18 years, and this parallels that message. Fate or destiny, call it what you will, but Lena and Kara's lives are intricately linked. I know a few other SG fans are Xena fans, and we've discussed the similarities between Kara/Lena v Xena/Gabrielle numerous times. This is another for that growing list.

So other than that, here are my immediate takeaways from it all.

Mon-El. Now he is a divisive character, and one I honestly have had a lot of issues with. However, this episode I felt showed the better side of him.

I also watched with widening eyes as Kara went to her ex-boyfriend for no reason other than to ask him about Lena! Seriously telling moment for me. I was also pleased Mon-El made the point that he and Lena both came from abusive childhoods and families. At last, the point of Lena having reacted in part like she has is because of abuse, as mentioned. Only the other day I said I was frustrated how Mon-El was forgiven for his actions because of his upbringing, but Lena wasn't afforded the same. It wasn't much, but it was a start. I will add, abuse or not - Lena still is accountable for her own actions (more on that later), just as Mon-El was.

The other thing. Winn has already said to "Give Lena time." Mon-El mirrored that line. Brainy believes in Lena. All three are from the future. Plus, the whole reason Mon-El can even be there? Because L-Corp develops a cure for the Daxamite lead allergy. Not LexCorp. Not Luthor Corp. L-Corp. Now I know that Supergirl and continuity are really poor at times, but I truly hope this is another nod that LexCorp is defeated, and Lena takes control of L-Corp once again, and she does good things, that lead L-Corp into being the cause for good she has always wanted it to be.

Onto Dark Lena. I'd already said to hubby that I wouldn't be surprised if in one of those timelines they didn't show an evil Lena. After all, we've had Kara gone bad now a few times in various scenarios. We even have had a bad Alex (S1, mind controlled anyone? Hmm. Mind controlled Alex. Oh wonder where we've heard that before? Yep, Alex this season. No idea if that is relevant in future episodes if Alex and Lena actually ever have a damn conversation, but it should be, whereby Alex can tell Lena just how mind controlling anyone, regardless of intent is a huge, bad thing, because of her own experiences with it).

So evil Lena was so good. It was pretty obvious to me, once they said that Lena had been injured, then disappeared and came back 2 years later changed, that Lillian/Cadmus had her. Lo and behold, Lillian had kidnapped her, and Lena version of Metallo was born. Even faced with that, when Kara refused to fight Lena, for that split second you could see the flicker in Lena's facial reaction. That split second moment of doubt. Honestly one of the things that I love so much with Supergirl is that they often have these nuanced moments throughout the seasons. Put those moments in the hands of Melissa and/or Katie and they're elevated to another level.

So only the other day on a different post I wrote this: 'Also, in reference to that S2 episode, (note - also ep 13), as Mxy disappears, he says that all he ever wanted was to have someone to love him, but Kara says that "love can't be forced on anybody; it needs to come on its own."'

Then we get the line in this episode of: “You were right what you said. You can’t force magic. It must be found.” Okayyyy then. Wow. Parallels again.

So talking of nuanced moments, let's talk about that ending. Although, before we delve into that I just want to talk about it a moment before Kara lands on Lena's balcony.

Did Kara actually watch that tape?

I find it strange it was left and I believe it wasn’t left by accident. Why else pick it up, and show that title so clearly? Why have that scene in at all unless it has relevance?

Is that why she decided she needed to take the stance she did?

I personally believe this was why it played out like it has. Kara saw something in that tape to take this route.

So the last scene. Again, watch the nuances of expression on Lena’s face as Kara speaks.

From the shock when Kara says “not this time.” to the way she frowned at the last line. Which isn’t calling Lena a villain by the way. For goodness sake please don't misrepresent exactly what was said. Kara is saying *if* Lena becomes a villain.

But there is far more here for me.

Lena knows Kara's true identity. Kara is trusting her with that knowledge even now, and especially with Lex in the picture. We know from the earlier timelines explored that by Kara openly showing who she is to the World, it causes all those around her to be targeted and killed. That is the trust Kara is showing and Lena almost certainly knows it, even without knowing that timeline alternative, and even if she doesn’t want to admit it yet.

A best friend isn't someone who always agrees with you and tells you that you're right.

A best friend is someone that helps you be the best version you can be, reminding you what your values are and what is important. They hold you accountable when you mess up, and support you when you need help. That is exactly what Kara did. She was telling Lena she would be the for her, but she would also hunt her down if she became a Villain.

We also have to remember numerous times, Lena has stated she is not a Villain. And she isn't. Not yet. She is misguided, making some terrible decisions, but ultimately Lena also stated just ahead of when she jumped off the cliff that 'Supergirl will save me.'

Now Lena knows, Kara will save her. But the boundary lines have been set by Kara (who by the way, I still think could never fight back against Lena. Not fully, because she wouldn't even when Evil Lena was killing her. She saw that flicker in the eyes just as I did).

Kara has firmly placed it all into Lena's court. Lena has to make the decision, to meet Kara half way and that Kara shouldn't have the burden placed entirely on her, and they shoulder it together. To realise her mistakes. We know Lena is craving friendship as much as she denies it. Remember this with Hope in 5.08, The Wrath of Rama Khan, and the nuanced reaction Lena gave there as the reality set in?

L: "You're the only friend I can count on."

H: "But, Ms. Luthor, I'm not your friend. I'm something you created to serve a purpose."

Ouch. That one hurt.

This whole end scene is more powerful and pivotal than perhaps realised.

Overall, I loved the episode. I truly did.

I just wish there wasn't another small break between this and episode 14, which isn't until March 8th. Damn all these breaks so close together! It would be so much nicer to be able to watch them without all these interruptions.

#supergirl #lgbtq #supercorp #chyler leigh #nicole maines #azie tesfai #alex danvers #kelly olsen #nia nal #lena luthor #katie mcgrath #kara danvers #melissa benoist #supergirl100 #100 episodes

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engagedtobefree · 4 years ago

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I talked to Scott on the phone again last night, and now I'm worried. We talked for about 50 minutes and it was normal like our other phone conversations, except for a few things.

Scott told me I seemed kind of shy on Saturday, that I wasn't as talkative as I used to be. I can see what he meant; I had trouble making eye contact and I was really nervous. So I tell Scott I was just nervous and he said, "Oh, aight." I also wasn't flirty like I used to be, but only because I don't want to feed into any possible bad intentions. It's not how it was before when I felt more confidence about Scott's feelings toward me (though that certainly waxed and waned) and I was protected by being at work. Flirting now at my place could potentially lead somewhere.

Then I yawned, and I guess it sounded a little different cuz Scott asked me why I moaned. I tell him it was a yawn and then he said what sounded like, "idk, Dana." "What?" Then, to my surprise he responds with an, "Oh, Dana", making the "oh" sound moany. I instantly feel turned on. I almost respond with "are you the one moaning now?" but I stop myself and don't say anything back to him. I want to hear Scott's moans and sex noises, but I don't want to feed into this if all he is looking for is sex.

A few minutes later he mentions me in my "tight ass jeans and boots." I respond best I can, saying I do miss dressing up, and he says if he can make it over tomorrow (today, now) that maybe I could dress up for him. I tell him I can. Truthfully, most of my old jeans are too tight now since I gained weight and I haven't been able to lose anything yet. I have a pair I can probably wear though.

All of this makes me worried though. What if Scott really is just looking to have sex with me? What if that's all he wants? I can't tell because I notice things that could point to that or could point to him wanting something more. What if he doesn't only want sex and he just...can't help himself saying these things?

I'm terrified, not of Scott but of getting hurt. And if Scott were to hurt me in such a big way while I am pretty emotionally vulnerable and raw, idk how I'd handle it. I am still working on healing from past trauma with men and if another man were to hurt me right now, especially one I have my heart so invested in and am choosing to trust, idk what it would do to me.

I'm worried that I've waited all this time and hoped for a miracle just for Scott to come back only looking for one thing. This isn't what I waited for. I don't want to be called hot. Yeah, it's nice, but only sometimes; it just feels hollow hearing it over and over. I want Scott to also think I'm pretty. I want to date Scott. I've always wanted to date Scott. And while I want him in my bed, that's not how I want to start out. I know we already have an established relationship with each other, but I'd still like something more first.

Idk if I should bring it up to Scott if I see him tonight. Do I just come out and ask him what he wants and what his intentions are? I want to know, but at the same time I'm terrified of what the truth might be. What if he makes a move? That's going to be so hard for me because on one hand I'm going to really want it, and on the other hand it's not going to be how I want it. And if he makes a move, do I stop him and tell him I can't and tell him I don't want to get hurt, that I know we both are looking for different things? I can't just assume Scott only wants sex, but I need to protect myself. I'm also just at the tail end of my period, so I could always use that as an excuse, though he most likely won't care and I'd rather be honest than find an excuse.

I want to see Scott and I want him to come over, but now I'm also fearful of it. I will be away next weekend, so if I can't see him tonight I'm going to keep worrying about this for several more weeks. And that's just assuming I do get some sort of answer tonight. But how can I hide my nervousness? Normally, I can fake things fairly well when I want to, so unless someone really knows me and my energy, I could get away with faking being okay. I don't think that's gonna work with Scott though. He knows me and he can tell when something is off. It doesn't hurt to try, but I'm not confident at all that he won't be able to see right through it.

But then there's the other side of things.

I keep thinking about Scott saying, "Yeah, me too." when I said I want to consciously choose someone who I truly want to be with. Does Scott really want a relationship? How long has it been since he consciously made a decision to be with someone he wants? How long has it been since he followed his heart and went after what he wanted instead of what he thought was the right thing to do? Am I what he wants? When he stops to listen to his heart, does it tell him to make his way back to me? I have many questions about his response to me.

I also have doubts about my doubts. If Scott only wanted one thing then why would he talk on the phone with me every weekend and for long periods of time? Why compliment me in other ways and show his interest in what I have to say? Why open up to me about things when naturally he's very guarded? Why say that he missed me? Granted, that could all be a ploy to reel me in, but I don't think Scott is that deceptive, especially because he knows I'm into him so he wouldn't have to make all of these efforts. Also, why apologize for being a dick and hurting me, only to turn around and act that way and do it again? I mean, I have had men do that same thing to me on two different occasions, but I can't judge Scott by what other men have done. That wouldn't be fair. And Scott also asked me if I'm currently seeing someone or have a boyfriend. Why ask that if he just wants sex? Why should he care whether I cheat or not if I was with someone if he just wanted sex from me?

I also wonder why Scott was so surprised when he found out I haven't dated because of my feelings for him. Does he not think someone could have such strong feelings for him or that he's not worth waiting for? Does he really think I dated during the time we've known each other? Or maybe thought I did after he left?

I feel so lonely with all of these thoughts. I had my therapy session on Tuesday and I went over a few things, but since my conversation with Scott last night, more has come up. Who else can I go to? I wouldn't go to any close or casual friends with this, and if I told my best friends, I know they wouldn't be very happy that I even let Scott through my door. Even if I did ask for someone's advice, they can't tell me what the right thing to do would be. I am completely alone with this.

I hope this isn't a losing game. I want to be treated right, as it's been such a very, very long time since I have been, and even then, it didn't last forever. I don't think it's too much to ask for.

Also, the sun right now is inconjunt/quincunx my natal Saturn -__- like why did this have to happen right now, on the weekend?

Also, I follow YouTube and Instagram tarot accounts and they're always super accurate for me, but I figured I'll post one just this time on here since it's so related to this. I watched this video after I wrote all of the above stuff. I usually only choose one deck with the YouTube readings, but occasionally two decks will have equal energy, which occurred this time.

youtube

Group #2 - go with the flow and blend in to catch people in off-guard moments to see who they truly are. Observe them and listen more (as a Libra, I can very much get quiet and simply observe, which I have been doing with Scott). You are too tired to be in the spotlight and need time for privacy with your love life, not telling friends or family about it. You don't want to put yourself out there and invest in someone to realize this person was with you for the wrong reasons. You are not over-sharing at this time. You value yourself and don't want to get hurt, so you're guarding your heart. You're still open, but just getting to know someone. You know how far to go and when to protect yourself. You don't want to make the same mistakes like you did in the past. You want clarity and guidance. Someone may behave in a stupid manner and may try to play you, thinking they're smarter. However there is an opportunity with a dark male, whatever that means for you. This is more about energy than physical appearance, and could just be someone with a lot of masculine energy. You are highly desirable so this man wants to be closer to you. This person wants longevity with you, not a whirlwind affair. You need to let your wall down a little bit to let them know you're into them as they may question it and get insecure. Only do this when you're sure of who they are and their intentions. They are adventurous and spontaneous, and they may try to show off how cool they are. They may get clumsy and nervous though. You might have commitment-phobia and might want to run or self-sabotage. Avoid this. Someone will be offering genuine love and interest, so do not worry. Surround yourself with love and spend quality time with others in your life where you can let your guard down.

Group #3 - an earth sign (Scott is a Capricorn) is here as a romantic connection. It's only a matter of time before you connect and sparks fly and you know you're for one another (I'd like to stay sober now to really feel out his energy and the energy of our connection). They are very promising. Do not pre-judge this person and give them a fair chance. Don't jump to conclusions. Allow them the chance to prove they're trustworthy and worthy of being a part of your life in a romantic sense. Stick to making progress with other areas of your life. Someone you know is not dependable and sincere, so don't trust in confiding with someone else about this situation. They might be jealous (I can see this being my mom, as she gets very jealous whenever I am with other people). You may feel like something is lacking in your life, maybe caused by someone else. Someone may leave your life as this new person enters. You will be happy this person leaves. Be aware of any future problems, there will be signs from the universe. Zesty energy, emotion, and passion is coming. Your guides are trying to protect you from yourself. Don't let your anger take over or you'll be sorry. Try not to be triggered by others. You're being called to take yourself on a date and spend money on yourself. Remember to practice self-love. You can only feel fulfilled in your love life if you feel fulfilled in yourself first. Others may set their own expectations for your love life. Don't seek others approval. Remind yourself we are not separate from each other. We are all energy. Don't be judgmental just as you don't want to be judged. Your love life will be full of generosity and spending time together. Your dreams can become your reality, but you need to make the effort. (I feel like maybe I need to focus on my healing more often than I am). Put yourself out there. (ugh. Scary). Someone is feeling like it's time to let go of holding on too deeply and may not think you'll ever end up together. Could be someone you friend-zoned and they will finally give up on you and see you moving on. (I've friend-zoned quite a few people, so it's possible).

So yeah, I guess July has a lot of potential, and both readings were scary-accurate for how I'm currently feeling and perceiving things. So either Scott is out to deceive me or he has really good intentions. Guess I'll find out soon.

#scott #personal #ugh i'm so tired #my brain literally will not shut off #this morning when i woke up it immediately started back up again just thinking over everything before i even got out of bed

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cadaverineana · 5 years ago

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This was originally posted at Archive of our own. Is a brief reimagination of mission 68 "Date with Kaz" at Metal Gear Solid - Peace Walker. I wrote it in portuguese and then translated to english so some things may be lost in translation still I'm quite proud of it. https://archiveofourown.org/works/20214853

The grandiose base, formed in several hexagonal cells, was bathed by sunlight, heated and always receptive in that maritime position. Costa Rica was a tropical paradise, with so many species in its fauna it ended up being almost a zoo.

However, Big Boss, was not in his daily duties at the base of operations, had taken a day off to have a moment with his vice-commander, Kazuhira Miller.

The relationship that the two men had was strange to say the least, there was certainly a tension between them, a constant flirtation and an exchange of glances that everyone had already noticed, except the two in question.

At the meeting place, Snake felt the soft sand of the beach touching the soles of his bare feet, Kaz was at the edge of the sea, watching the coming and going of the waves, his golden hair having been further intensified by the rays coming from the horizon at sunset, it had been his idea to take the boss there.

Boss was almost half an hour late, he couldn't avoid a smile when he saw that the other one hadn't left yet. Taking advantage of the blond's distraction, he approached with silent steps, feeling his heart beating strongly every centimeter of proximity between the two.

His chest touched Miller's back, positioning his chin on his right shoulder and both arms around his neck, letting his breath touch the sensitive skin of the region.

The half-Japanese was surprised by the other's attitude, but by no means uncomfortable. Snake usually smelled of cigarettes, alcohol and gunpowder, but there it was different, it was something sweeter. Brief moments passed, in a silence on both sides that was broken by John.

- Kept you waiting, huh? - He said in rhetoric, touching the tip of his nose against Kaz's jaw.

- Is that my perfume? - answered the other with one more question.

- Maybe... - The war hero whispered, releasing his friend.

Not having Snake's strong arms around him anymore had caused him an emptiness, it was a too good feeling to be so brief.

They had visual contact for the first time at the meeting, the blond turned and stared at him from head to toe. Snake was wearing a brown cargo pants, his favorite gray shirt and to Kaz's surprise, no eye patch and bandana.

- Good to see you, boss.

He was happy with his appearance so stripped and comfortable, his messy brown hair framed the face with a beard to do, his left eye remained closed, lightly covered by a darker lock.

- I'm glad we're alone, Kaz. - Snake began, smiling timidly with his lips, which were becoming impossible to resist for the other.

There was no response, just a positive nod from the vice-commander, who walked a few steps to sit on the sand, hoping Snake would accompany him.

Side by side, both with their attention turned to the orange sky, a mutual contentment surrounded them, involving a feeling of understanding and a possible love. They had gone through so many things together, so many battles and conflicts that still awaited them, they would have a long way to go.

Kaz was popular, had a cool posture with his aviator glasses, his hair always with gel and a face with a resplendent smile, but he did not feel so confident about John. He didn't know how to explain that feeling, he had never felt such insecurity and palpitation near someone, it was not a simple passion with carnal intentions, it was deeper, he feared that he was madly in love with Snake.

In a momentary gesture of boldness and courage, Miller took his hand to meet Big Boss one. His fingers passed through the calloused joints of his rough hand, caressing through his crevices and stopping like a cloak above his wrist. He contoured scars on his arm, gunshot marks, cuts and burns. Snake's entire body was a war museum, filled with his violent art.

- When I'm with you, Kaz, I don't feel alone.

There he was, devoid of any adornment that would take him to the image of Big Boss, without his illustrious eye patch, without his uniform or his gun, had only a sweet smile that was capable of disarming Miller, melting him completely.

- I... know what you mean, I feel the same way, too, Boss - Said Miller, with a low and hopeful tone of voice.

Snake took the opposite hand to Kaz's face, caressing him, undoing his silly hairstyle in the caresses and taking off his glasses. A shiver ran through both bodies, along with anxiety and expectation.

The water coming from the tide touched his legs, but it was not important, the salty aroma of the waves contributed to the environment, with orange tones and no person, except for the two soldiers.

In seconds that seemed like a morbid eternity, their faces were approaching, their lips ajar and their eyes half-closed, ready for the great moment of that encounter.

Their mouths met, first it was just a superficial kiss, whose Snake beard scratched slightly against Kaz, until the anointing of his lips became real, a friction generated by his movements, moistening between his mouths and creating a rhythm with his tongues.

Kaz intertwined his arms between Snake's shoulders, smelling the scent of his perfume next to the salty air that the tide brought, was perfect. He held on like a sailor ready to drown, fighting for his life in John's arms.

Meanwhile, Big Boss's bruised hands played with the golden strands of his friend's hair, wrapping them around his fingers and gently stroking his head. While one hand remained on the back of his neck, the other came down to his chest, pressing subtly and pulling the thin fabric of the white shirt.

Breathless but still yearning for Kaz's touch, Snake lowered his lips to his neck, pouring numerous kisses and pulling out low groans as he passed his tongue over the other man's neck, nibbling at the skin and pulling it, maintaining a suction and repeating it elsewhere. By this time, Kaz's yellow scarf was already flying along the beach as he threw his head back, forgetting everything around him.

There were so many problems in their lives, from crazy scientists creating nuclear weapons to beloved people leaving. Those men had known the tragedy and been united by it, it was the sad misery that at the end of the day brought them all together.

- S-Snake... - Kaz stuttered, pulling the commander's semi-long hair. - bite-me... - He asked among low groans, feeling an intense embarrassment.

His request, however, sounded like an order, and Snake liked it. He bit him again, with excessive care, as if to break him in half, which gave Miller a little laugh, having fun with the delicate and peculiar way Snake had with him.

- I really love you, Kaz. Thanks for everything. - Murmured Boss, biting the lobe of his ear, it sounded like a goodbye, but he hadn't noticed at the time.

They moved away slightly, just enough to be face to face, smiling like fools at each other.

- You don't know how long I've waited for this, Boss.

#fanfiction #metal gear solid #mgs #peace walker #kazuhira miller #big boss #yaoi #kaz x big boss #otp #manly guys kissing at sunset in a beach #bad writing

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ais-n · 5 years ago

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2| and where is the trauma? both hsin and boyd were severely sexually abused. and emilio's illness is always treated as a joke. look Ais, your series has done me so much good between the bad it did. i found i'm gay lmao and i'm grateful for that. i'm grateful that you wrote this ok. but there are things that were offensive, and maybe it was unconscious, since i doubt you wanted to be racist or write a mlm relationship but more like hetero. i wish i could just enjoy the books but my heart breaks

3| idk what the one who questioned that could possibly mean between all the things but thats what i mean. i appreciate you a lot. i hope this didn’t make you feel worse or whatever. but some people really did end up hurt badly after reading icos and im one of them. with all respect, and hope that i didnt disturb you much, farewell.

++++++++++++

Aha I just realized I can put both 2nd and 3rd asks in one! Which is good because, again, the gay comment makes me laugh out loud XD As I said in the other post, thank you again for reaching out, for explaining your concerns, and for the courage you no doubt had to bring forth in order to do so.

I’m getting right into the answers in this one although I will probably ask more questions for clarification on some of the points, as I did on the first one, to make sure I’m not misunderstanding or misinterpreting anything.

More below the cut! :)

EMILIO’S ILLNESS

I’m really sorry but I wasn’t sure what you meant by that. Which illness? How is it treated as a joke? Could you clarify?

TRAUMA

So this I thought was super interesting that you felt there was no representation of trauma in ICoS, or I assume you also mean its aftereffects. That’s actually one of the few points I feel pretty confident saying the series does portray a lot of, both in some cases the experience of it and in other cases the repercussions.

One of the reasons both of them are so severely dysfunctional individually and together is because of trauma.

I don’t want to muddy up this post with a huge tangent but someone had asked a few years ago about the result of the Aleixo mission on Boyd, if he was diagnosed with anything, and so on. If you’re interested, I wrote a long ass reply about the psychological effect of sex trafficking on survivors/victims and talked about some of the things you see Boyd do that are a bit reflective of that. More info at https://aisness.wordpress.com/2015/01/28/boyd-aleixo-psychology/

I think there probably would be more information on all this by now, or at least I certainly hope there would be, but at the time of writing Fade that was the sort of research that was available.

Although, full disclosure, I don’t tend to write characters looking up the DSM symptoms for this or that; I write what feels right for them psychologically, mentally, emotionally, and oftentimes later look it up and realize they would have likely been diagnosed with this or that thing or they could be displaying traits of this or that.

At any rate, with Boyd, his trauma started early on, and pretty much everything about him is a reflection of that in some form. I don’t see trauma as specific to sexual assault; it’s most certainly a result of that but also of many other things. Boyd dealt with a lot of neglect and/or emotional abuse as a child, he was bullied by his peers, and generally speaking it was difficult for him to feel like he belonged anywhere. He was very often judged by others, often negatively, for things completely outside of his control, like his parents, their jobs, his home, the amount of money his family had, his looks, etc.

If you look at the Mayo Clinic’s list of child abuse, Boyd falls pretty well under emotional abuse and a bit under neglect, and you can especially see the toll that had on his personality by reading the signs and symptoms of emotional abuse in particular:

Loss of self-confidence or self-esteem

Social withdrawal or a loss of interest or enthusiasm

Depression

Avoidance of certain situations, such as refusing to go to school or ride the bus

Desperately seeks affection

And general symptoms:

Withdrawal from friends or usual activities

Depression, anxiety or unusual fears, or a sudden loss of self-confidence

An apparent lack of supervision

Self-harm or attempts at suicide

If you look at Complex PTSD, and in particular Developmental Trauma Disorder (DTD) you can see a lot of Hsin:

Attachment – “problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to others’ emotional states”

Behavioural control – “problems with impulse control, aggression, pathological self-soothing, and sleep problems”

Dissociation – “amnesia, depersonalization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect, and functioning, and impaired memory for state-based events”

I wouldn’t say Hsin dissociates quite that extensively but I feel like he does display some dissociative tendencies at times.

Boyd has some too, like

Self-concept – “fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self”.

I think in some ways you could argue they both display aspects of:

Affect or emotional regulation – “poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes”

When Boyd was little, he often wondered why other people were treated better than him - why, when he was getting perfect grades, he was going above and beyond whenever possible, when he was trying to be “a good boy” all the time, when he went out of his way to stay quiet and not bother anyone – why, despite all his attempts, other people were celebrate yet he was reviled, even if the people being celebrated were awful people doing awful things. He used to study other people relentlessly, trying to understand what it was about them that made them acceptable and what it was about him that made him not.

That’s why, despite being such an introvert, he’s good at blending in and going undercover; it’s why he can adjust to new situations and, in a way, act - because he always had to monitor and adjust himself his whole life just to feel seen and loved. His dad loved him on his own so it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but with the trauma that came from the loss of his dad, and what happened with Lou, plus everything afterward, it really messed everything up.

Boyd was not a victim of childhood sexual abuse, but more of emotional abuse. Well, I guess, I should say for the most part he wasn’t.

Hsin was definitely a victim of childhood sexual abuse and probably physical abuse (that bit I can’t recall for sure). He was raped even as a small child, and that led into different aspects of his life. One reason, for example, he would go berserk and was seen by the Agency as unreliable in cases of him seeing sexual assault was because he saw, in some way, himself in those victims. It was probably his way of protecting people when he hadn’t been protected, himself.

I can’t speak too much on Hsin’s specific mental health status or repercussions because I didn’t write him so I’m not fully in his mind, but I do know that sort of berserker aspect is part of what came from his sexual abuse and physical abuse and just generally how he grew up. If I recall correctly, a lot of that led into why he was so unstable and dangerous when Emilio first found him; why it took so long to get Hsin to find a way to deal with the violence and aggression and anger in him, in addition to everything else that would have happened regardless of that childhood trauma. Why, too, it was such a huge deal when Boyd was able to earn Hsin’s trust, because he had learned in his life to trust almost no one.

You can see some of the way they both display aspects of C-PTSD as adults as well in the list at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder#Adults

I should be clear: I am NOT a psychiatrist or psychologist so I’m not suggesting that they would be specifically diagnosed with any of these disorders were they to get official diagnoses. However, the reason I bring it up is to show that a lot of the series reflects the way their coping mechanisms lead them to interact within themselves and with the outside world, all of which is often directly or indirectly tied to trauma.

Why is Boyd so terrified of anyone seeing him without his shirt in the beginning? Trauma. Why is he depressed? Trauma. Why is he suicidal? Trauma. Why does he go out of his way to avoid a certain block? Trauma. I would have to look at specific symptoms of different things but I would guess that you could also tie back some of his instability and his sometimes inconsistent reactions to trauma as well. Sometimes he does things or says things that may seem a bit reckless, or cold, or some other unexpected thing at that time - and a lot of times it’s probably in part related to how he learned to cope with things and what his levels of defensiveness are or his fears are at that moment. But he also has a complete inability to see the good in himself for a long time which also ties back, I would think, to some of the things he experienced growing up/previously.

Boyd is an incredibly unreliable narrator. He spends most of his narration thinking about how awful he is, how he should just die, how he isn’t doing a good enough job, and so forth. Yet, that fails to show the impact of some of his choices and decisions. Boyd was pretty much the first person to treat Hsin like a normal human being, to not see him as a surrogate of anything or anyone, to not have any ulterior motives or expectations of him (no matter how well-intentioned), and to truly gain his trust as a result. Yet, Boyd didn’t really see it that way. He didn’t see how important it was for Hsin that he ended up in his life; he didn’t get why Hsin was exasperated the times Boyd said he (Boyd) should just die, that there was no value to his life. He didn’t believe he could be loved so he couldn’t see it was even a possibility at first. Therefore, he spends a lot of his narration over the series belittling himself and downplaying any of his own achievements while simultaneously rewarding or acknowledging what others around him are doing. Not every moment of his narration, of course, but his default state of self is to think he sucks and others are probably better.

Conversely, Hsin is a confident narrator. He often doesn’t doubt himself, doesn’t care what other people think, and is very sure of himself in a lot of aspects like his physical prowess which, itself, is already above and beyond nearly everyone else. Yet he also learned not to trust or rely on anyone else in his life, so he’s incredibly suspicious of others because that’s how he had to learn to be. So, especially in the beginning of the series, in his narration he tends to be very factual about his own achievements and not shy away from acknowledging the things that are powerful about him (even if he doesn’t always see it as anything that special), while simultaneously seeking out anything untrustworthy, unreliable, incompetent, or unworthy about those around him. His narration tends to point out the flaws of those around him because he learned that if he doesn’t protect himself, he’s vulnerable, and when he’s vulnerable he gets hurt.

The result of that is, if you read their narrations straight as if it’s all perfectly reliable, Boyd seems even more unreliable and Hsin seems even more perfect than they actually are, because their default states of being overlap in a manner which magnifies the flaws in Boyd and the merits in Hsin.

Both of them learned to be how they were because of how they were raised, what they went through, and more. Same as how they react to various things throughout the series.

I can’t more specifically comment on anything without knowing what in particular you were thinking of when commenting in the ask about trauma and sexual abuse. But I think generally speaking, they already start the series having learned coping mechanisms that work for them based on trauma they already individually experienced. Those coping mechanisms end up oftentimes being challenged and at times destroyed or reworked throughout the course of the series. That is what leads to a lot of their ups and downs as individuals and as a couple; why their story isn’t a straight arc going up but instead derails a lot. And why they both spend the entirety of the series coming to terms with who they are both internally and externally, and what that means for their relationship, and how they can find a way to grow as a person and a significant other. They both ultimately have to work on trust; Boyd has to learn to trust himself, Hsin has to learn to trust others, and they have to learn to trust each other.

The way people deal with trauma is not the same for everyone. Sexual abuse doesn’t result in the same reaction for all people. I’m not sure if maybe one of the things you were thinking is maybe about sexual abuse during the series itself? I already linked something that goes more in depth on Fade so I won’t touch on that book, and I really can’t speak for Hsin because he isn’t my character so I don’t want to misrepresent his thought process as hidden behind narration or actions at different points.

The only other thing I can think of that maybe you’re thinking about is Boyd’s valentine status, and how he doesn’t seem to have overtly strong reactions to anything until Fade. If that’s one aspect of what you were thinking about, part of that is just how Boyd deals with things. He tends to avoid things that are difficult for him or he has difficulty focusing on, and oftentimes shuts down emotionally.

I think honestly he probably dissociated to some extent during a lot of things; kind of separated his body from his mind and felt like whatever happened, happened. For a lot of the time that he was a valentine early on, he had such little love for himself that regardless of how upsetting anything was, how little he wanted to do certain things, he felt on some level like he deserved it. Some things were probably a subconscious form of self-punishment for being born, for being who he is, for surviving when Lou didn’t, for surviving when his dad didn’t, for never being enough for his mother, for just plain existing. Then as time went on he grew to rely on Hsin and find strength in him. It’s also not like every mission he had was a valentine one, or even that every valentine has to end in anything physical.

That’s why he was able to find ways of dealing with things in some form, even if he didn’t like it or was uncomfortable at times, until the Aleixo mission. He thought he knew how to handle things; he thought he had found apt coping mechanisms. But that mission tore that all apart and nearly destroyed him. His coping mechanisms didn’t work the way they had and now he had to find a new way to survive, and from there came a lot of his instability and more that you see in Fade and as I mention in that blog post.

But in short, I feel like the majority of the series ends up touching, indirectly or directly, on some form of trauma as experienced currently or in the past by one or more of the main characters, and their resulting actions then drive the plot. That is one thing we were very specific about doing: having the plot adjust to the characters rather than force the characters to adjust to the plot. That’s why Afterimage exists, actually; the original plan was sort of like 3/4 of Evenfall and then kind of jumping into aspects of Fade. But we realized at the end of Evenfall that certain things would occur which would then lead to Afterimage and Afterimage then led into aspects of Interludes, which then led into aspects of right before Fade, which then affected a huge part of Fade itself, which then informed 1/27. We didn’t set out to write a series specifically about trauma, it’s just sort of one of those things that happens if you take two characters who have been treated so cruelly or poorly for so much of their lives, and put them together as any sort of team - but especially a team that becomes a couple, and a couple that becomes all but married.

+ +

Regarding the other stuff, I haven’t had a chance yet to check if you answered my question about the hetero relationship comment, so I can’t comment on that until I know more of what you mean. But I would say that generally speaking, I don’t know that I believe it’s necessarily fair to label anything as strictly “hetero” vs “m/m” vs anything else for a relationship. That brings with it a lot of assumptions of what it means to be not only gay or LGBTQIA+, but also straight. It seems to suggest there is only a single way or a very strict set of ways for a cis male and a cis female to be together both in a relationship and to have sex, and I guess I don’t feel like that’s necessarily reflective of reality. People are very complex and so are their relationships, as well as their sex lives.

I’m not sure how specifically the series ended up hurting you but I’m very sorry you felt hurt by anything. That’s a terrible feeling to have to experience. I hope that in whatever way, however it may work best for you, you have the time and space to reflect and recover and rejuvenate. You, like everyone, deserve it.

And honestly, if that means you have to leave the series completely in your past, never to think about it again, if that’s what’s healthiest for you, I truly wish you are able to do so. Stories are there to connect with other people, to share our thoughts and sometimes help us work our way through our own while reading. No story is worth your mental health being put in question. If it is truly upsetting to you to think about the series, it is absolutely not worth your energy. You are more important than a story will ever be. Everyone is. And I say that despite how much I love and rely on stories to get me through life.

If part of your duress is you like aspects of the writing style but the series itself and its contents upset you, you could try reading some other stuff. I have some things I wrote solo that you can find on my AO3 if you want. But also you can find other writers entirely. Depending on what you’re looking for in a story, and the sort of topics you’ve learned work well for you or don’t work well for you, you should be able to find a ton of great series out there and great authors out there who will leave you with the happier aspects of your reaction to ICoS without anything more detrimental like it sounds happened for you with ICoS.

Regardless, I truly wish you the very best. As I said in the other one, please stay healthy and safe! And, if you’re in a place to manage it, stay happy as well :)

Brightest of blessings to you and yours, my friend!

#ask ais #icos #in the company of shadows #Anonymous

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rpbetter · 3 years ago

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hello! so... i'm mutuals with this person who writes the same muse as i do. they don't roleplay with my version, because i haven't told them about my multimuse, so i don't think they even realize we write the same muse in the first place. lately, i've noticed them calling their muse "my son", and saying things like "i own him now, everyone else go home", and it hurts my feelings. but i don't know how to bring this up without sounding bitter, possessive, or competitive. can you help me?

Oh, no...

First, let me point out the irony of you being concerned about coming off as bitter, possessive, or competitive while they're saying that kind of thing as a RPer.

Because those are all, unfortunately, normalized things to say from fandom, a lot of people who write fic, do art, write a lot of meta, or just really vibe with a character say these things regularly. It can be funny there, but ultimately, it does actually express those things. It is a statement made humorously to convey bitterness about the way a character has been treated in canon, possessiveness because you're so annoyed with canon and/or fandom's treatment of a character that's important to you, and even competitiveness - your take on this character, even feelings about them or similarities to them, is better than the shit that annoys so terribly.

The difference in venue is extremely important, though. All of those things can be pretty damn valid in non-RP fandom, even when they annoy the hell out of us coming from fans we feel are the ones mucking up the character. It's ultimately that it's valid because it's a way of expressing ourselves, and our frustrations, without being nasty to the creators.

But in RP, you're talking about other RPers when you say this, too. Not just canon content creators, not just fans out in fandom who might express the same things. No, other people who are also engaged in portraying this character as their muse. That makes it hostile, no matter how much joking is wrapped around it. Especially with the prevalence of RPers being intolerant of "duplicates."

Secondly, I'd like to assure you that you're not being any of those things! Furthermore, that it's incredibly valid to feel hurt by this. If it was a random RPer you ran across, it might be a non-issue or an eye roll, but when it comes from someone you interact with, it's hurtful. In a way, especially when they do not know you write that muse. If they knew, would they simply feel this way without expressing it? Would they continue to express it? Is their point the usual, normalized behavior and reasons for it, or do they actually have a case of "duplicate anxiety?"

(Which, for the record, I hate both the word "duplicates" and the phrase "duplicate anxiety." No one's muse is a duplicate, they're the same canon character with different portrayals. They're variations on a common theme, not identical sets. I think where actual anxiety over portrayals of the same canon character exists, this sort of thinking helps that along. But my experience with "duplicate anxiety" is hostility, and not just anxiety-born hostility as a defense either. In most cases I've seen and directly experienced with my own canon muses any of the following would be better descriptors: "duplicate jealousy," "duplicate intolerance," "duplicate hatred." However, they're familiar terms, so that's what I used.)

But yes, unfortunately, it is likely to come off as such, particularly as this person does seem pretty possessive of the muse. And I'm not saying that nastily, we're all kind of possessive, in some way or another, most of us have had negative things with our muses' canon or fanon. It's just when you're being nastily possessive and defensive toward other RPers that this is an issue. If they're inclined to be defensive like that, it's very possible that anything you say is going to come off badly.

All you can do is try your best and remember that it isn't actually about you as a person or your portrayal. It's about them. It doesn't say anything real about you. If it happens, please, don't let it make you feel bad about yourself!

Are you writing-mutuals or just mutuals?

If you write together, this is almost certainly going to be easier. There's an established connection with you that is positive. If you are mutuals who do not write together, it might be a little more difficult. I know that I feel positively about my non-writing mutuals, I enjoy them so much on my dash and in OOC conversations, but for some people, there is a sort of distance that exists there.

I think in either case, bringing it up is the most difficult part. I mean that as in...sending a message in general. If you're writing partners, you've already spoken, maybe you even speak fairly regularly, and it's not going to feel fully out of nowhere to come to them with a concern.

If that is the case, try something like:

Hey! I hope this doesn't stress you or anything, and you don't need to rush to get back to me, I just want to talk to you about it whenever you have time. I know you're not meaning it hatefully, but when you say things about owning -muse name- it's kind of hurtful to me because I write him as well on another blog. It's maybe silly, but I think you'll understand because you do love -muse name- so much too!

If you've seen them post specific problems they have with the way the muse was done in canon or addressed by fandom that you agree with, it could be a great idea to add that. You want to show that you understand where they're coming from and do care about the muse, too. Think of it like bonding. It's hard to be irrationally angry with people when we're forced to see the ways that we're similar.

I can feel the same way. Every time I see them being -referred to in a negative way, made wildly OOC in these ways, etc. just be specific- it goes all over me! I'm like, no, no, no, I've kidnapped him, he's mine now! It's just that as someone writing a portrayal of the same muse, it can feel aimed at me.

Either way, revisit the issue and how you feel.

Like I said, I'm sure you're not meaning it like that and you were unaware that I write him too, but I know that I wouldn't want to make someone feel hurt expressing it that way, so, I wanted to talk to you about it. It can make me feel like, if you knew I wrote him as well, you might not want to write with me anymore or would feel negatively about my portrayal. I really enjoy your portrayal and writing with you, obviously, so, it's more hurtful than just some rando out in fandom saying that kind of thing. I hope you understand!

If you don't write together:

Honestly, about the same thing without the familiarity.

Either way, what you're going for here is understanding. You want them to understand that you don't mean this hatefully, you're not trying to tell them what to do or anything, but these things are hurtful to you. Getting them to understand why it is hurtful to you without seeming accusatory.

And some really careful phrasing can go a long way. Instead of "you make me feel" make it an impersonal "this/it makes me feel" or even an "I feel." They're not directly being hateful to you by intent, they're just kind of oblivious to how saying things this way could be hurtful to someone else. So, you want to make them aware while not feeling attacked over it.

Do not give them ideas of you being possessive etc. by stating any such words! I know the inclination can be to attempt covering bases by saying things like, "I don't mean this possessively" or "I'm not trying to come off as" or "sorry if this sounds like x, I don't mean it that way or feel like that!" But those inclinations imply the opposite, even if unconsciously so. Don't put the words there to bring up that association.

Keep the tone honest but kind. Let them know how you feel without putting that emotion into what you're saying. Tell them that it is hurtful, you might feel judged or suddenly disliked, without coming off as defensive, angry, or incredibly sad. It's probably better if you stay away from being too descriptive about what "hurt" means to you for this reason, or anything you've done when feeling particularly hurt, like having to avoid your dash on this blog. These things can trigger reactions of defense or guilt.

Things you're not saying are pretty important here. Don't try to give suggestions as to how to resolve it, for example. While that is often a great idea when we discuss problems with each other, in this case, it's going to sound controlling. Don't offer suggestions as to what they could say instead, or even state that they need to stop saying these things. That needs to be the natural take away from you telling them that this is hurtful to you!

If it isn't the natural take away and they continue to do it after this conversation (especially if they've expressed being upset about unintentionally hurting you and a desire to not do so going forward), then, this is not a good partnership. That might be really disappointing and even more hurtful, but if they don't care when you've expressed that something they're doing has hurt you, they're someone you shouldn't keep interacting with. Again, especially if they've said they wouldn't keep doing it and that they cared! That means that they're willing to express care and interest only as far as smoothing over a problem goes while continuing the problem itself, and likely, because they don't feel it's a big deal.

And speaking of that...

If they literally do tell you that it isn't a big deal? This is a good time to terminate the relationship with them, too. Maybe it isn't, but when someone tells you that you've upset them, it's a big deal to them. Coming to someone to tell them that they've hurt you is a big deal, it's not easily done. We all have had something that we genuinely feel is not a big deal that has hurt someone, and you know what? That's fine, things can be a non-issue for us but still hurt someone else...it's how we respond to being told that matters. So, if their response is telling you this (aggressively or passive-aggressively, as in "it's not a big deal but ok if it makes you feel that way") sort of thing, you're seriously better off getting away from them now, not later.

Should that happen, or the conversation otherwise become nasty? It's absolutely alright to say, "Alright, well, I don't think we need to keep discussing this, it isn't benefiting either of us. I'm going to just unfollow, but I hope you keep having a great time in RP!" And do that. Stop the conversation, go unfollow, don't interact anymore.

Just because you brought up an issue does not mean you're obliged to be treated badly until they're done with it. Let them respond, and if it's hateful, you only owe the respect that you've been shown. Try to end it on a polite note for yourself - the way we feel about and engage with our muses is a touchy subject (reasonably), it's not ridiculous to assume that it could cause some drama addressing this, so, don't give them anything that feels like justification to proceed with that kind of thing. You'll at least know that you behaved like a respectful adult person.

I really do not envy you, Anon! This is a tricky situation! But I do applaud your maturity in wanting to talk to them about it. A lot of muns out there would just silently stew in their hurt until it became something aggressive, or would just block them. Though difficult, I think this is the right thing to do, and I wish you all the luck in the world!

Hopefully, they'll be like I would be...a bit mortified that I'd made someone feel hurt with commentary I felt was merely throw away statements.

#answered #anonymous #rp problems #mun interaction #same character muses #rp advice #rp help

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