#this is all to say 'i was apprehensive about a mustache because i didn't want my mom to be weird/annoying about it'

[something-about-sunflowers]

OH.

You ever have a sudden realization for why you feel a certain way about something that actually completely flips those feelings on their head?

I've generally always been pretty sure about what I want out of any kind of gender affirming care I might hopefully get in some nebulous future where that's something I can afford: I want my voice deeper, I'd be delighted by bottom growth, I would like my tits significantly more masculine presenting if not gone completely. I've been ambivalent about the potential for body hair, though I have been much more eager for the possibility of it with more 'ideal transition goals' influence (Look. I want Con O'Neill's gender okay?) in mind.

That said the one thing I've been hesitant about is facial hair? Which is frustrating because it's the one thing that I kind of do have by default? If I don't do anything to it I have noticeable dark wispies on my upper lip and chin (I've kind of suspected for a while that I may have some sort of hormone disorder - I've got other things that lead me to think this too ofc this is just the most easily noticeable - but like. Who's got the money for diagnosing shit like that? Not me, that's for damn sure.) like. T-Boy's First 'Stache kinda deal. It's been my one (mental) sticking point on potentially starting T, to the point where I've argued with myself that I could just do like the trans girls do and get like, what's it called? Electrolysis? Hair removal? Just for that part. But then that adds cost to what I already can't afford and. Like.

I don't think. It. Actually bothers me? I think. I think I'm maybe projecting how I think my mother would react to it? Not even with full on transition in mind but like. How I am now. Like I don't really care how it looks if I don't shave. Hell, I might even like it sometimes? Like a micro-euphoria or something. But my mother is (partially) responsible for my eating disorder. It's completely within the realm of possibility that she would have Something To Say if I just stopped bothering. I don't even think she'd do it on purpose really? Just. Would need to point out the presence of hair on my face and the judgement would be implied. The 'I am pointing this out because it is unusual and I don't think you should look like this' would be implied. She wouldn't need to say it out loud.

And like. The worst of it is? I don't care. I don't care if I do something to myself that she doesn't like or approve of. And. It's hardly as if she's transphobic (Or. Not more-so than the average 'uninvolved in the queer community parent of queer kids' cishet person. Not maliciously so, yknow?) I've got friends she knows are trans - one who she knew through his actual transition process - she's been through the whole 'it's "he", mom' 'oops, he' situation before with relative grace.

But none of those people are her kid. She doesn't see them every day. She knows she didn't raise them and has, at no point in their lives had a say with what they do to themselves. I already came out to her once (Well. I was forced out by my partner at the time's parents, which was. Not fun.) and the thing about that time is? She really didn't have to. Do anything? About that? Except maybe adjust her mental image of who I might wind up marrying some time in the nebulous future. I'm not out to her about any of my Gender Stuff. Because I don't want to have to deal with the 'I just don't understand all of this' because I'm not binary trans (every other trans person she's met has been binary) or 'It would just be easier on everybody if we still called you [deadname] and used she/her' (which, I don't even really have an issue with she/her? I very much prefer they/them but I'm used to she/her and it doesn't bother me to hear it the way hearing my deadname still does).

She doesn't listen to me when I talk about things that actually matter to me. When I talk about shit that she's done that hurts me. Hell, when I tell her she doesn't listen to me she stops listening. I know it'll be a fight if I correct her on my name/pronouns. I know she'll 'forget'. I know when I get emotional about it, because I know I'll get emotional about it, that I'll start to raise my voice (gotta love the struggle with vocal volume regulation huh? I literally can't help it and I barely notice it until someone tells me) and that she'll say 'You're always yelling, I'm not going to listen to you if you yell' and that it's just code for 'I wasn't going to listen anyway because what you have to say isn't important enough for me to try to listen, and you're giving me a convenient excuse to opt out of the blame for that by speaking "too loudly"'.

Anyway. I'm not coming out again until I'm out of this fucking state and living on my own (or at least away from her and the rest of my family).

But I do think, now, I might actually be comfortable with my facial hair/the potential for more pronounced facial hair then too. It's not my problem, it's hers.

[heavenwontbethe-same]

Wasted

Nobita × Dekisugi

A/N: I am an absolutely useless person with too much time on my hands. I was bored and I actually wrote this and I'm only posting because @rhosyncymreig told me to. Based on this conversation. Ngl, equal parts embarrassed and proud of this. Lmao enjoy the shitshow under the cut.

Word count: Almost 1000

Wasted masterlist

I've decided to call this Wasted based on the song by Niall Horan.

Nobita hated it. He had always hated seeing him with her. It was like seeing them together made his insecurities kick in. Funny how that never happened when she was with Gian and Sunio.

Ever since he'd understood what emotions were, he'd known that he felt strongly about Shizuka. He knew that she was an important part of his life, and ever since he was little, he had wanted to make her a more permanent person in his life- the most important person in his life. He had dreamed of marrying her.

He had thought that that was all he ever wanted, but now, as the wedding was approaching and Shizuka started showing hesitation, he let his own mind wander and discover the possibilities.

The future seemed bleak, nothing quite so right. Hell, he couldn't imagine himself in the next 5 years. And so he drank. He drank and drank and drank, doing his best to drown his sorrows with alcohol at his own bachelor party at Gian and Sunio's house.

"We have some news to share!" Sunio suddenly piped up, his "artful" mustache quivering with his excitement. "Us hotshots are having a baby!" He declared, promptly falling into a kiss with his husband of just over a year, Gian, both of them giggling. All of them were so drunk.

"Congratulations, you guys!" Dekisugi said.

"Yeah, congratulations." Nobita said, downing his drink. Not that he was bitter about his friends' happiness, but it seemed unfair that everyone seemed to have found their track in life while he was left wandering around.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Dekisugi. His heart squeezed. His stomach tightened. He thought he might puke on his beautiful, irritating, devastating face. Wait. Beautiful? Devastating? Dekisugi? What was happening to him?

"I just wanted to say that I now finally see that you and Shizuka were meant to be. I never stood a chance. I thought that one day, you could see me as a friend, perhaps more. I'm glad that, in the end, the better person won."

Nobita found himself staring at Dekisugi, feeling a multitude of emotions. What did he mean? Could he possibly...? No. Of course not. He couldn't have meant Nobita. He was talking about Shizuka. Of course he was.

He turned back to Gian and Sunio and, since seeing them get all hot and heavy wasn't something he wanted to see, he and Dekisugi made their leave.

They walked, bundled up against the chilling air, side by side. Funny how, with how miserable he was those days, he didn't want that night to end. They walked together, taking the longer route home, neither saying a word, each both too far away and too acutely aware of the other person. Finally, when the silence was getting too much, Nobita spoke up.

"What did you mean?" He said. "What did you mean that you had hoped to be more?"

Both of them had stopped walking, facing each other in the dim street light, one determined, the other apprehensive.

"I meant that..." Dekisugi sighed. "I meant that I'm gay. That it was never about her, the jealousy. I cherish her like a sister, but that's it. It was you, it was always you, and I had stupidly hoped that one day you'd come to see it. That one day you'd reciprocate my feelings. I now see how stupid I was."

Dekisugi let out a humourless laugh and, with tears glistening in his eyes, turned away.

And then Nobita did the last thing either of them could have expected.

He kissed him.

He kissed him.

Tentatively at first, asking for permission, tongue slipping in, tasting him, swiping over his bottom lip. It felt right. It felt as right as it should've felt when he was kissing Shizuka. And yet, something was always missing when it was with her. She never made him feel like this. She never made every nerve in his body come alive, zinging with electricity. She never made him feel as he felt now- heart ready to burst, body ready to combust.

Then Dekisugi bit his tongue.

"Sorry," he laughed nervously, " I never thought this would actually happen"

And they kissed again. And again. And again. It was both soft and demanding all at once, the kisses unbearably tender, while they both pulled each other closer until there was no room between them, only coming up for air, and even then, sharing the same breath, identical little smiles on their faces, Dekisugi's fingers gently brushing across Nobita's red cheeks, Nobita's hands tangled in Dekisugi's hair.

Nobita finally felt like he understood his life a little better. Unfortunately, it also meant that he came back down to earth.

Shizuka. He was marrying Shizuka in two days time. He wasn't sure what he felt about her, whether it was even romantic or not, but he couldn't do this to her. It wouldn't be fair.

He pulled back. "I- I can't do this. Not to her. She means too much."

Dekisugi looked stricken.

"Please," Nobita continued, " if you find it in you, please attend the wedding. It would mean a lot to her."

And he turned and tried to start walking away, feeling his heart burst in his chest, the shards lodging themselves deeper, causing more pain. It was ironic how, a few minutes with Dekisugi made him feel this level of passion than hours with Shizuka ever did. He was doing something that he had never thought would be so painful, never even expected to feel it for Dekisugi, of all people. And yet, here he was, unwilling to hurt someone and hurting someone else in the process. Someone, he now realised, who meant so much to him, who had probably just become the most important person in his life.

"And to me." He whispered, before finally walking away, unable to bear to see the pain in Dekisugi's eyes.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Tagging some people who were part of the conversation to make them witness this absolute bullshit:

@iloveicecreamandlike3people @whatho-roseinthesanctuary @the-axewielding-herondale