#this is all targeted at me /SILLIER

[maxthesillyy]

CHLOE MORIONDO ON THE DOUBLE EXPOSURE SOUNDTRSCK?!?! SHUT THE FUCK UP OH MY GOD THE AUTISMZ💥‼️💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥

[m1ckeyb3rry]

Series Synopsis: A series of (mostly) unrelated one shots, featuring Oliver Aiku somehow getting involved with the love lives of various Blue Lock characters — whether he wants to or not.

Chapter Synopsis: After being yelled at one too many times by their strict Ubers teammate, Oliver Aiku enlists Ikki Niko in helping him get Shoei Barou a girlfriend, hoping beyond hope that that’s enough to get the guy to chill out a bit.

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Barou x Reader

Chapter Word Count: 10.8k

Content Warnings: crack fic, barou is also my awkward goat, love at first sight, oliver aiku is such a bitch but he’s funny so it’s kind of okay, reader is kind of an npc in this icl 😓, this is really dumb please don’t judge my writing off of it, everyone is 100% ooc don’t come at me i KNOWWW, split perspectives (it makes sense in the story), everyone gets slandered (mostly by aiku), god bless niko for being chronically online

A/N: there were a decent amt of people who wanted barou’s version plus i felt like writing it so he’s up next!! LMAO it kind of got a bit long just like the sae version and somehow it’s even sillier so…but yeah anyways this is the second entry in “oliver aiku’s guide to getting girls” i hope you all stick around for the rest 🤩‼️

Barou is yelling at them again. Aiku’s not sure what the big deal is this time — so what if Lorenzo spilled spaghetti sauce on the floor? He’s Italian, that’s part of his culture — but if he dares to speak up, Barou will single him out specifically, and then he’ll be treated like a little kid in timeout, which doesn’t sound like an ideal way to spend a Friday night.

It’s the four of them in the doghouse as usual — himself, Niko, Aryu, and Sendou, that is. The most ridiculous thing is that Lorenzo isn’t even there, though he’s the true target of Barou’s rage; unfortunately for his teammates, though, Lorenzo’s off getting his teeth polished or counting his money while cackling or whatever else it is that he does in his free time.

Honestly, none of them are really taking the theatrics seriously. Aryu’s fiddling with the ends of his hair, Niko’s standing there, staring at Barou with large, watery eyes, and Sendou’s glaring back at Barou with his arms folded over his chest. Aiku sighs, because that means an argument between the two is most likely impending, but unfortunately for him, he sighs a bit too loudly, and Barou whips around, jabbing a finger at him.

“What’s so exasperating, huh?” Barou says. “I bet you won’t be sighing when we have an insect infestation because none of you can be bothered to clean up that damn tomato shit that Lorenzo’s obsessed with!”

“It’s marinara,” Niko pipes up meekly. They all look at him with varying degrees of incredulity; he shrugs, adjusting the headphones around his neck self-consciously. “Lorenzo’s trying to teach me how to make it. Supposedly a typical spaghetti sauce has meat and vegetables added, but a good marinara is the base, so — um, anyways.”

Barou’s upper lip is curled into a sneer, and Aiku’s just about to thank Niko for taking the fall and turning Barou’s rage to him when he remembers that that’s markedly not how Barou operates. He’s too meticulous to forget the former recipient of his ire, not so quickly, and indeed, Barou is pointing at them both when he speaks next.

“That stain better be gone the next time I come in this room,” he says. He doesn’t say what will happen if it’s not, but given his authoritative voice and enormous physique, he usually doesn’t have to resort to making threats in order to be obeyed.

“Thank goodness,” Aryu says once Barou has left to complete his evening meditations. “Seems like Barou appreciated our elegant silence, Sendou. We’ve escaped reproach this time.”

“Yup,” Sendou says. Whistling nonchalantly, he sidles out of the room, and with a fluttering wave, Aryu follows suit. Aiku can’t even blame them, considering it’s what he would’ve done if he were in their place.

Glancing at Niko, who is now his greatest friend due to convenience alone, Aiku shakes his head, wondering what choice he made in life that led to his weekend plans amounting to cleaning sauce stains from a carpet with a little boy instead of partying or something.

“You got the bleach?” he asks. Niko nods miserably.

“Yeah, I got it. You’re good with scrubbing?” he says. Aiku’s shoulders cramp preemptively at the mere thought, but he doesn’t protest aloud.

“No other choice, right?” he says. “Off to work we go, then.” 

Your best friend has been begging you for days to try this new restaurant with her, and it’s only now that it’s Friday that you can’t come up with any more excuses to avoid it. The truth is that you don’t really have a reason to refuse her as many times as you have, but the thought of summoning up the wherewithal to get ready and go out for dinner instead of throwing on your pajamas and eating something on the couch with a movie in the background is excruciating. Besides, you know her tastes. She always takes you to insanely fancy locations where anything less than your best will be embarrassing, and the only saving grace is that your outings always end up being insanely cheap, as she refuses to spend more than the bare minimum no matter what.

“You’re serious?” she affirms, standing in front of your closet and sifting through your clothes. You’re sitting on your bed, legs crossed and your laptop on your lap as you try to finish up the essay you have due Monday before getting ready. “You’ll really go with me?”

“I just told you I would, didn’t I?” you say. “I wouldn’t let you go through my closet if I wasn’t being serious. Actually, I wouldn’t have let you into my house at all.”

“Your parents would’ve opened the door for me,” she says dismissively. “They love me.”

It’s true, they do love her as much if not more than they love you, so you have no rebuttal. She grins at you, tossing a shirt in your general direction. It hits the back of your laptop, landing in a heap on the floor, and you’re too busy to pick it up, so you just leave it there, too lost in thought to care. Just the conclusion, if I can finish that then I can do something fun without anything on my mind—

“Hurry up and get ready! We want to get a table, don’t we?” she says. It’s a pair of pants she flings your way this time, and her aim is far more superior, for they smack into your face, temporarily blinding you.

“If you don’t let me finish this essay, I won’t go with you,” you say, and she knows you mean it literally, so she immediately pretends to zip her lips, saluting at you.

“Finish away!” 

“Barou’s totally got a stick up his ass, don’t you think?” Aiku says after thirty minutes have passed and the stain is no smaller than before. 

“I don’t think I’d phrase it like that,” Niko says, pouring another cup of bleach on the carpet. Neither of them really know much about cleaning, so this is the best they’ve got, even though Aiku’s pretty sure Barou would pass out if he saw their method. “But yeah, he can be kind of uptight at times.”

“He’s pretty nice otherwise, though,” Aiku says thoughtfully. “It’s kind of a shame. I bet if he loosened up a bit, he’d be a downright enjoyable teammate. Besides the cleaning and all, he’s a cool guy.”

“I do like training with him,” Niko says. “When he’s not yelling at us, it’s fun. Following his regimen has made me a lot stronger.”

“Agreed,” Aiku says. That’s the one thing he’ll give Barou — the guy is a master with the training equipment. He’s introduced Aiku to machines he didn’t even know existed. “You know what he needs?”

“What?” Niko says. He’s scrubbing at the floor while Aiku’s sipping on a soda; theoretically, they’re supposed to be switching off, but Niko hasn’t complained yet, so Aiku’s not about to remind him that it’s well beyond time for his turn.

“Some pu—” Aiku cuts himself off when he remembers that he is talking to a child. Niko’s like twelve or something, so maybe phrasing it in that way isn’t the most appropriate thing to do. “—I mean, a beautiful and loving girlfriend.”

Niko tilts his chin up at him, which means he’s probably looking at him; it’s hard to tell with his overgrown bangs falling in his face. Aiku makes a mental note to suggest cutting Niko’s hair during the next team bonding night that Snuffy forces them into.

“I guess having someone like that would make anyone happier, even Barou,” he says.

“That’s what I’m getting at! I bet he’s just constantly stressed out, so he takes it out on us instead of finding a healthy outlet. Maybe dating someone will fix that and give him something to do besides soccer,” Aiku says.

“Is that your secret to always being so calm?” Niko says. Aiku nods.

“The more girls you have, the less you can worry about things like training. You’re too focused on making sure they’re all happy,” Aiku says.

“Woah,” Niko says. “That’s a really great way of looking at things.”

“Right?” Aiku says. “With Barou, though, we might be lucky if we can find even one girl willing to put up with him. He’s a bit of a work in progress, you know?”

“Totally,” Niko says. “What if he yells at her the way he yells at us?”

Aiku has a vision of some poor, innocent girl on the verge of tears as Barou rants about how she didn’t fold her laundry the right way or something. For some reason, she looks kind of like Niko — oh, that’s probably because Barou just yelled at Niko for that exact reason — but the image is enough for him to balk.

“She can come to us for comfort,” Aiku says decisively before once again remembering that Niko probably only popped out of the womb a scant few months prior. He needs to be more careful — this isn’t Sendou, who would’ve made at least ten innuendos even worse than his own by this point. “I mean, me.”

“That’s a good plan,” Niko says. “You’re really good with the whole advising and comforting thing. I bet you’d make her feel better for sure.”

Yeah, I’d make her feel better alright. This time Aiku manages to keep it to himself, only coughing slightly and nodding towards the bottle of bleach as an explanation.

“The only question is where in Blue Lock are we going to find a girl, let alone one willing to date Barou?” Aiku says.

“Well, Bastard München is playing PXG this weekend, and Manshine City is playing Barcha, so we’re technically off,” Niko says. “I think if we ask Snuffy, we can probably have a day out.”

“What if Ego gets mad?” Aiku says, although the idea is sound enough that he’s just jealous he didn’t come up with it himself. Niko hums, giving careful consideration to the notion.

“We can just blame it on Snuffy. What’s Ego going to do, fire him?” he says. 

A grin breaks out on Aiku’s face.

“Niko, kiddo—”

“I’m fifteen.”

“—you’re totally a genius. Let’s go!”

“What about the stain?” Niko says. Aiku glances at the still marinara-colored splotch on the carpet, and then he waves it off dismissively.

“If we can find Snuffy before Barou gets back, then it’s no longer our problem,” he says.

Niko looks unconvinced, but he’s sensible as well as genius-material, so he only follows after Aiku — albeit not without a final worried glance at the section of carpet which still smells suspiciously of tomatoes. 

“So what cuisine does this place have, anyways?” you say. You’ve finally finished and submitted your essay, and now you’re taking a shower. Your best friend has closed the lid of the toilet and is sitting on it while playing on her phone, apparently because she wants to be able to talk to you even while you’re showering, and since you have a curtain you don’t mind.

“No idea,” she says.

“No idea?” you say, squeezing shampoo into your palm. “Why do you want to go, then?”

“My dad’s Facebook friends have been raving about it,” she says. “His ex-boss said that it’s the best value-for-money in the entire city!”

“We’re going to dinner based on recommendations from your dad’s Facebook friends,” you repeat dryly. “Wow.”

“Look, he may have chronically underpaid my dad, but the ex-boss has great taste in food!” your best friend defends. “Apparently they fill up super fast, though, so we have to get there right when they open for dinner, or else we’re out of luck.”

“Is this you subtly trying to pressure me to shower faster?” you say.

“It’s not subtle,” she says. You scoff.

“I hope you know I’ll take even longer now,” you say.

“You better not!” 

Snuffy is obviously confused when the two of them approach him — Aiku’s not sure if it’s the question that has their coach confounded, though, or if it’s the admittedly odd combination that’s approached him.

“You guys want a night out of the facility?” Snuffy checks.

“Yes,” Aiku says.

“And…you want Barou to come?” Snuffy says. That could be another reason for the incredulity — ‘Barou’ and ‘fun’ are two words rarely if ever seen in the same sentence, unless your name is Yoichi Isagi, in which case just being on the same field as Barou is your idea of ‘fun.’ For normal people — i.e. those with names such as Oliver Aiku and Ikki Niko — those concepts don’t generally align, however, so Aiku can’t blame Snuffy for the weird face he’s making.

“Yes,” Niko says.

Snuffy stares at them for a moment longer, and then, to make things even stranger, he chuckles in a way that’s almost fond.

“It’ll be good for him to get out of here for a bit,” he says. “You two are great teammates for thinking of him; I’m sure he’ll appreciate it one day, if not necessarily tonight. Go on, then, and have fun if you’d like.”

Aiku waits for the other shoe to drop, but Snuffy just returns to making a cup of coffee. It’s a little odd, given the later hour, but still, Aiku’s not one to count his blessings, so he motions for Niko to follow him, and with Snuffy’s official permission, the two of them march towards where Barou is probably doing his daily “fuck Yoichi Isagi” affirmations. They have that kind of weird relationship, after all. It’s unnecessarily complicated, but Aiku has observed during his time in Blue Lock that almost every single relationship between the members of the program follows such a mold. He’s given up on trying to figure any of it out, knowing it’s well beyond him.

“Are you ready?” Aiku says when they reached the closed door to the training room. Niko rolls his shoulders.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” Niko says. Aiku decides he likes him, and that he should try to spend more time with the pipsqueak. Maybe he can be a mentor figure or a true role model for the younger player. He’d definitely do better at the job than, say, Aryu. Or Lorenzo, which is a more relevant concern, since apparently the two are cooking buddies, as per Niko’s marinara interlude during Barou’s earlier tantrum.

With a grim nod at Niko, Aiku swings open the door. Schooling his expression into a cheery grin, he calls out in a sing-song that really doesn’t spell anything but trouble:

“Oh, Barou!” 

You’ve made your best friend drive, since she’s the one who’s insisted on taking you out, which leaves you to play music and accomplish other such passenger-esque duties. You take full advantage of your freedom to be distracted, shuffling through playlists whenever you’re bored and scrolling through your best friend’s crush-of-the-week’s social media.

“He’s kind of ugly,” you say. She clicks her tongue.

“In a cute way, though, right?” she says. When you’re silent, she gasps. “Right?”

“Uh…” you trail off, zooming in on one of the photos. Something about him is reminiscent of a gerbil, and you can tell he’s short even before you swipe and see him in a photo with one of his friends, barely coming up to his shoulder. “There’s someone out there for everyone, I suppose.”

“That means you think he’s repulsive!” she accuses you.

“Repulsive’s a strong word,” you say. 

“Hideous?” she says.

“I can get behind that,” you say. “He reminds me of Tinkerbell.”

“Like the fairy, or our third grade teacher’s gerbil?” she says.

“The latter,” you say. “I’m glad you remembered her. That wouldn’t have been as funny if you didn’t.”

“I didn’t find it funny regardless,” she says, pulling into the parking lot and slowing the car to a crawl as she hunts for a space to pull in.

“Hm,” you say. “I did.”

“You know what? You’re not allowed to slander him until you find someone better for yourself. Girls in glass houses should not be throwing stones, and considering some of your exes, you’re in no position to talk,” she says.

“Low blow,” you say.

“No response? That’s what I thought,” she says. You scowl.

“Just park the car, you dumbass. 

“What the hell is going on?” Barou says, for probably the third or fourth time. Unfortunately, their attempt at kidnapping him didn’t go as planned, for neither Aiku nor Niko could lift Barou for any length of time, so now they were stuck with a supremely irritated striker following after them as they marched towards where the Blue Lock official parking was. 

Snuffy had given them the keys to his car, so at least they had a ride — if he weren’t such a good coach, Aiku would seriously question the man’s judgment. Niko ushers Barou into the backseat, claiming he already “called shotgun,” and then he dives into the passenger seat beside Aiku, fastening his seatbelt with a serious expression on his delicate face.

“We wanted to have a fun night out!” Aiku says, turning the child lock on so Barou can’t escape before reversing out of the garage.

“Huh?” Barou says. “There’s so many things wrong with that statement, I don’t even know where to begin. Also, why are we in Snuffy’s car?”

“He gave us the keys,” Niko says, like it’s obvious. In all fairness, it kind of is.

“He gave you two the keys,” Barou says. Aiku’s a responsible driver, so he doesn’t glance back at Barou, but he’s pretty sure that if he did, he’d be met with the kind of fearsome glare that made medieval-era peasants believe in the existence of creatures like trolls and dragons.

“Yes, he did,” Aiku says. “Told us to enjoy ourselves while we were at it.”

Barou sighs. “Say I believe that—”

“We’re telling the truth!” Aiku says.

“—uh-huh, sure. Anyways, where are we even going?” he says.

“Oh, I can answer that!” Niko says. “It’s this restaurant that my dad’s obsessed with. He’s been posting all over his Facebook about it. According to him, it’s the best value-for-money in the entire city.”

“At least you two are being frugal,” Barou says with a small ‘hmph.’ “How far is it?”

“Not too far,” Niko says. 

“Just sit back and relax, man! It’s a couple of friends going out for a meal. Totally normal!” Aiku says.

“Friends don’t kidnap one another to hang out,” Barou says.

“We didn’t kidnap you. Are you saying we’re friends, then?” Aiku says.

“I’m saying we’re not. You turned the child lock on, so that basically constitutes an abduction,” Barou says.

“I did that for Niko!” Aiku says, mentally patting himself on the back for the quick thinking.

“What? I’m fifteen, not five!” 

By the time your best friend finds somewhere to park, it’s already dark, and the spot is at the very edge of the lot, so then the two of you have to walk for another five minutes. She’s antsy by this point, but she does an admirable job of hiding it, only picking at her nails behind her back where she thinks you won’t see. 

“It’ll be alright,” you say as you reach the door to the restaurant. “I’m sure they’ll have space for two people, at least. Nowhere can be that busy, right?”

“I hope so,” she says, chewing on her lower lip.

You’re proven wrong almost as soon as you both walk into the establishment. Every single table has people sitting at it, and there’s a small crowd of people in the waiting area. Still, you and your best friend push past to where the hostess is standing. 

“Excuse me,” you say. “How long is the wait?”

“At least an hour,” the hostess says, her face wan.

“An hour?” your best friend says. “There’s nothing you can do?”

Of course, both of you know there isn’t, but it’s still disappointing when the hostess shakes her head regretfully.

“Would you like me to put your names down?” she says.

“Give us a minute,” you say. She nods, and you and your best friend walk a ways away. As soon as you’re out of the hostess’s earshot, you frown. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it would genuinely be this busy.”

“It’s okay, I wasn’t expecting it either,” she says, exhaling heavily. “I would’ve been way more serious about being on time if I had.”

“What should we do now? I don’t mind waiting,” you say.

“It’s okay. I’m a little hungry, so we can go somewhere else and come back here another day,” she says.

“Are you sure?” you say.

“Yeah, I am. Let’s go,” she says. 

You’re heading towards the door when a robust voice stops you. At first, neither of you are sure if the speaker is referring to you, but when it becomes obvious he is, you turn around in confusion.

“Where are you guys going?” he says. It’s a man with dark hair and eyes like mismatched marbles, and he’s sitting at a table with two others. There’s a couple of empty seats, and he motions towards them. “We’ve been waiting for you two for forever!”

“Oh, you’re in their party?” the hostess says. You glance at your best friend, who mouths why not? at you, and then you smile at the hostess.

“Yes, we are,” you say.

“You should’ve said so from the start,” she says, shaking her head. “Right this way, please.”

You and your best friend follow after her, both of you more than a little lost at the turn of events, but who are you to turn down the offer? Sure, you don’t know any of the three, but at least this way you two didn’t drive out for no reason, and the restaurant’s crowded enough that if they have nefarious intentions, you should be able to get help relatively quickly.

As you sit down and the hostess offers you menus, you can’t help but glance at the three boys, wondering what exactly it is they want from you. Is this some elaborate scam? An effort to get you to pay for their dinner? You can’t tell. They’re unreadable, and all you can do is hope that the meal still goes as well as you had originally planned — otherwise, you’ll be really mad that you’re not at home instead. 

When Niko had first suggested calling ahead to make reservations, Aiku had privately considered him to be a nerd, and one of the idiotic variety, no less. A lethal combo. But outwardly he had nodded along and told him to go right ahead, mostly because it seemed like the kind of thing Barou would appreciate. Now, though, he’s glad that Niko had that kind of foresight, because the place is completely packed.

“Where’s the rest of your party?” the hostess says when they walk in and give her Barou’s name. Aiku doesn’t really know why Niko made reservations under Barou’s name, nor what the hostess means by the ‘rest of their party’, but she’s pretty, so he gives her a charming smile. She’s working now, so he can’t exactly push Barou towards her, but if he’s talking about himself…

She blushes and ducks her head, although the moment is ruined by Niko speaking up. 

“What do you mean, the rest of our party?” he says.

“You made a reservation for five, didn’t you?” she says, leading them to the table. Aiku exchanges looks with Barou, mostly because the two of them tower over the others, so it’s convenient, but Barou seems as confused as Aiku is. Both of them clearly heard Niko making the reservation for only three people, so how in the world had the hostess written down five?

“Uh,” Niko says, and then for some reason he’s turning towards Aiku for help? Aiku’s kind of distracted, though, both with celebrating the moment he just had with Barou and with discerning the color of lipstick the hostess is wearing (red or pink?), so when she directs her question to him, he admittedly panics a bit.

“Will the rest of them be arriving later?” she says.

“Yes,” Aiku says. Coral! That’s the shade he was looking for.

“No worries,” the hostess says. “Although you might want to tell them to hurry up, just in case.”

“Wait, what—?” Aiku begins, but she’s already dropping menus in front of them and racing off to take care of the next group of customers.

“You fucking donkey,” Barou said. “Who else is coming to this?”

“Nobody that I know of,” Niko says. “I only made a reservation for three. She must’ve gotten confused and written down five or something like that, but why’d you go along with it, Aiku?”

“Um,” Aiku says.

“What unparalleled eloquence,” Barou says. 

Aiku’s mind is racing. Firstly, he’s accidentally confused this poor hostess into expecting two more people, and secondly, how are he and Niko supposed to set Barou up with a girl in this kind of situation? The food may be great, but the ambiance isn’t exactly what they’re looking for.

Somehow, these two lines of thought get muddled into one solution, the catalyst of which is when he sees two girls heading towards the door, obviously disheartened by the long wait time for those idiots who didn’t make reservations.

Wait. If those two are girls, and two plus three is five, then Barou might just end this night no longer single!

Another quick recovery by Oliver Aiku. He’s getting better and better by the minute. 

“Hi,” the man who called you over says. “I’m Oliver Aiku.”

“Hi,” you say. The five-person table is a circle, and Aiku’s across from you; since it’s your fault that you’re sitting with these random guys instead of by yourselves, you squeeze between your best friend and the more intimidating-looking one, leaving her to be on the right side of the youngest boy in the group. “Y/N L/N.”

“Nice to meet you,” he says.

“Likewise,” you say.

“I’m Niko,” the younger boy says. He has dark hair falling into a heart-shaped face, and you can’t fully see his eyes, but you think they might be some shade of bluish green. Idly, you wonder how his vision isn’t horrible given how overgrown his bangs are, but he doesn’t seem to be having any problems, so you suppose he must have some kind of method around it. “And that’s Barou.”

“I can introduce myself,” the one at your side snaps. He’s by far the most handsome of the trio, although you’re sure your best friend would disagree — she has bad taste, though, so that’s irrelevant — with a regal face and sharp eyes. His dark hair is spiky and his eyes are a vivid crimson, narrowed with irritation while his mouth tugs into a perfect frown. “My name is Barou.”

“It’s a pleasure, Barou,” you say.

“Yeah,” he says. “Same here.”

More than being a pleasure, it’s a little tense, so you return to reading your menu, not knowing what else to say, hoping someone else says something soon and rescues you from the ensuing silence. 

This is bad. Almost as bad as Japan’s performance in the last U-20 World Cup, which occurred right before Aiku moved up and joined the team. Almost as bad as that stain Lorenzo’s marinara left on the carpet. It’s that level of catastrophic, because clearly, Barou will take a lot more encouragement than originally anticipated. Kicking Niko under the table, Aiku nods meaningfully at Barou, who is also reading his menu, sitting next to the girl who’s doing the same.

It’s the perfect opportunity for small talk. Occasionally, the girl will peek at him over the top of his menu, so she’s clearly not affronted by him — either that, or she’s deathly afraid that Barou will kill her and is making sure he doesn’t do that when she’s distracted. If the latter is the case, well, it’s not entirely unfounded.

Solving the conundrum which has presented itself is even more difficult than their game against PXG was. How is Aiku supposed to flirt with someone for Barou? She’ll just end up liking him, which is rather counterintuitive, given that the end goal is to get Barou a girlfriend. 

If only Barou weren’t so stubborn! Aiku’s put him in the perfect spot, but instead of just reaching out his hand and snatching the opportunity up with both metaphorical hands, he’s sitting there, utterly absorbed by the intricacies of the restaurant’s entrees, which Aiku surmises are no doubt fascinating to people with such sensibilities.

It’s the girl, Y/N, who breaks the silence again. Clearing her throat and setting the menu aside, her eyes dart around the table before settling on Aiku. A natural consequence, given his dashing looks and genial personality, but not the one they’re hoping for at the moment, not in the slightest.

“We don’t know you, right?” she says.

“I don’t think so,” Aiku says. Has he gone out with her before? He’s pretty sure he’d have remembered if he had, but you can never be careful these days.

“Then why’d you invite us to sit with you?” she says.

Aiku’s in desperate need of an assist, and there’s only one person who’ll reliably send him one. Besides, the kid owes him a favor, so he doesn’t even feel guilty when he makes a face at Niko, as if indicating that he should be the one to answer the query.

“It was Barou’s idea!” Niko says.

“Excuse me?” Barou says.

“What?” Aiku says. 

“Yeah, it was. He felt bad that you guys were going to leave without eating, and we accidentally booked a table for five instead of three, like we originally planned, so he told Aiku to stop you guys before you were gone,” Niko explains.

“Oh, that was very sweet of you!” Y/N says. “Thank you so much. We both really appreciate it.”

Under the table, Aiku gives Niko a thumbs-up. Niko returns the gesture in kind, though neither of them let their true emotions show on their faces, which must be carefully schooled into blankness so that nobody else catches on to their scheming. 

“You’re welcome,” Barou says before freezing as he realizes that he’s somehow fallen for Niko’s lie, despite being there to witness the truth of the events. “Wait, no, it wasn’t—”

“Barou’s super considerate,” Niko continues, cutting Barou’s correction off. Aiku could just about cry. Niko’s a natural-born talent! He could never have predicted the younger boy’s sheer skill at this kind of thing. “Do you watch soccer?”

“Not really,” Y/N says thoughtfully. “I’ve never understood it well enough to become an avid fan, and my father prefers baseball, so it’s not something my family is into. I think it’s really cool, though!”

“Barou plays,” Niko says.

“So do you guys,” Barou says.

“Yeah, but you’re sitting next to her,” Niko says. “And you’re the king, right? Who better than you to explain the sport?”

“She didn’t ask for that,” Barou says, glowering at Niko and Aiku alike. “Why would I do that?”

“I don’t mind,” Y/N says, even going so far as to smile at Barou. With a final suspicious glare at the two of them, Barou begins to explain the rules of the game to her, and Aiku takes advantage of his distraction to high-five Niko.

“You’re amazing,” he whispers. “Where’d you learn this shit?”

“I watch a lot of anime,” Niko whispers back. “This is a classic set up for a twelve-episode romance that teaches the viewers about friendship, love, and what it means to grow up.”

“That’s not what I was expecting,” Aiku says after digesting this latest revelation, finding that it makes a surprising amount of sense. “But hey, whatever works!”

“Exactly,” Niko says. “Do you think it’s weird if I order chicken fingers from the children’s menu?”

“Order whatever you want, kid,” Aiku says. “You deserve it. I’ll even pay.”

“Yay!” Niko says. “Chicken fingers it is.”

Aiku doesn’t even mind treating him. If this is successful, then he’ll buy Niko all of the chicken fingers in the world in thanks. 

You’re more than a little grateful that Niko has given you something to talk to Barou about. Your best friend is busy texting her crush, the gerbil-looking one, who has apparently responded to her story, so you would’ve had to sit there in silence until she finished up or someone took pity on your helpless self. In this way, though, it’s much more natural, and even if it really was just an example of Niko feeling bad for you, it didn’t come across as such.

“You really scored a goal against the Japanese U-20 team?” you say after Barou has finished a long-winded explanation on the rules of soccer and some of the highlights of his career in the sport. In truth, you mostly tuned out the more technical details, but you have to admit that some of the things he’s mentioned about himself are rather interesting.

“Yes,” he says. 

“Wow,” you say. “You must be good, then.”

He shrugs in acknowledgement. “I’m good.”

It doesn’t feel like he’s bragging or anything like that. He’s just acknowledging an inevitable truth. He’s good. The way he says it, no one can deny it — not that you would’ve. Based on his build alone, you’d have expected him to have talent as an athlete; the things he’s mentioned have only been confirmation of that initial prediction, rather than blowing your mind in any significant way.

“Hi!” Your waitress’s arrival with a tray full of drinks cuts your conversation with Barou short, which you’re surprised to find you’re a little put-out by, at least until the grumble of your stomach reminds you of why you came to the restaurant in the first place. “Are you all ready to order?”

“I want the chicken fingers,” Niko says.

“The chicken fingers from the twelve and under menu? How old are you?” she says.

“Twelve,” Niko says. You frown, leaning closer to Barou in order to murmur in his ear.

“Is he actually?” 

Barou shakes his head ever so slightly. “No, but if that’s the only way he can get chicken fingers…”

“That’s a fair point,” you say. The waitress seems to share your doubts, but then Aiku flashes her a warm grin.

“My little brother’s heard so much about your entrees, and he can’t wait to try the, er, chicken fingers. Yes. The chicken fingers. He’s been talking about them all week,” he explains.

“Are they—?” you begin.

“They met like a month ago,” Barou says, rolling his eyes. “No relation whatsoever.”

“I see,” you say. You almost have to admire the lengths they’re willing to go to, as well as how natural they are with it. “Huh. I guess if it works, it works.”

“One order of chicken fingers, then!” the waitress says, jotting it down on her notepad, returning Aiku’s grin with her own. He has that kind of enviable charisma that lets him get away with a lot more than he should, and you’re more than a little jealous. “And the rest of you?”

You all give her your orders, and she promises she’ll be back quickly before running back to the kitchen. Once again, you’re left to your own devices, and given that your best friend is still texting that guy, you decide you’ll try and talk to the others at your table.

“Barou told me you guys are all in some program called Blue Lock together,” you say. “What’s that like? It sounded super intense.”

“It is,” Aiku scoffs. “I don’t even know if we’re supposed to be here at the moment.”

“We got permission from our coach,” Niko says. “But the guy who runs the program is kind of…what’s the word?”

“Freaky?” Aiku says.

“That works,” Niko says.

“I didn’t realize we were dining with rebels,” you say. 

“For the record, I was dragged into coming by those two,” Barou says.

“We didn’t actually drag him,” Aiku reassures you. “I mean, we tried, but he’s super heavy.”

“Too much training,” Niko says. “Barou, you should flex for Y/N — I mean, for everyone.”

“Hell no,” Barou says. “In public? Don’t be shameless.”

“So you’ll do it in private, then?” Aiku says. 

“That’s — that’s not what I meant!” Barou sputters. “I won’t do it at all!”

“Y/N, if you get a subscription to Blue Lock TV, then forget about asking Barou to flex. You can just watch him work out. He does it shirtless,” Aiku says. You choke on your water.

“What are you, some kind of salesman?” you say, coughing to dislodge the droplets of liquid scratching at your throat. “Was inviting us to sit with you a kindness or an advertisement?”

“Can’t it be both?” Aiku says.

“No, it cannot, you fucking donkey!” Barou says. “Please ignore him. I don’t know what he’s talking about.”

“You do train without a shirt on, though,” Niko says. “Quite often. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, there’s a lot of shirtless content on Blue Lock TV…Chris Prince stripped at one point, I’m pretty sure, and more than one of the Bastard München boys have had locker room features. I guess PXG is the only team without any fan service, since Barcha has Lavinho as a coach, and we all know how he is.”

“Good for them. You gotta give credit where it’s due,” Aiku says. 

“Agreed,” Niko says. “Hey, Barou, didn’t you take your shirt off after scoring in the game against the U-20s, too? Is it like an established habit or something?”

“Enough about my shirt,” Barou says through gritted teeth.

“Or lack thereof,” Aiku adds. There’s a baleful aura emanating off of Barou, and he doesn’t even need to say anything before Aiku winces like he’s been cowed. “Sorry. The opportunity presented itself.”

“Both of you are on thin ice. First you abducted me, and now you’re going on about this dumbass subject? And that’s not to mention the sauce stain from earlier. I bet neither of you cleaned it up,” Barou says. 

Aiku and Niko both look like they have been caught committing some crime. Barou’s about to snap, it’s very obvious, but you find his friends’ antics to be so amusing that you hesitantly pat him on the shoulder.

“Ah, I think they’re just teasing you. It’s common amongst people who are close to one another! I always make fun of my best friend for her taste in men,” you say.

“And I make fun of yours right back,” your best friend says, not even looking up from her phone. You roll your eyes at this.

“See? It’s really alright,” you say. “At the least, if you’re upset because we’re here, then don’t be. Neither of us mind. I mean, she’s not even paying attention to us. Too busy texting that Meriones unguiculatus of a man she deems crush-worthy.”

“Fuck you,” your best friend says. She ordinarily would have no idea what Meriones unguiculatus means, but given the context, you’re sure she’s figured it out.

“Don’t be mad because I’m right,” you say. “Anyways, like I was saying, it’s all good.”

There’s a strained moment where none of you know what Barou will do, but then he nods, crossing his arms and sticking his nose in the air.

“Fine,” he says. “I’ll let it slide, just this once. But the two of you better behave from now on, you got it?”

Aiku and Niko both seem to be so amazed that it’s a wonder they don’t salute at Barou’s barked-out order. Shaking your head and laughing, you decide it might be for the best if you try to talk to Barou yourself and leave his slightly problematic companions out of the conversation.

“So,” you say, to him and only him. “What’s the story behind the sauce stain?” 

“Holy shit,” Aiku says.

“I know,” Niko says.

“She’s a genius. A god. A fucking Barou whisperer,” he says.

“I know,” Niko says.

“What are the odds that we managed to find the exact girl that could put up with his bullshit?” Aiku says.

“Pretty high!” a new voice chimes in. It’s Y/N’s friend; she never introduced herself, and it doesn’t seem like she’s inclined to, but she inconspicuously slides her chair closer to where he and Niko are talking. “You guys are trying to set your friend up with Y/N, huh? Good luck. She only likes ugly dudes.”

“Barou’s…kind of ugly?” Niko tries. Aiku snorts.

“Let’s keep it honest here,” he says. “Anyways, what were you talking about earlier? Barou’s a nutcase. It’s, like, a miracle that Y/N’s managing to have a conversation with him.”

“Maybe he’s like that with you, but to me, he seems to be the type that’s totally respectful to women,” Y/N’s friend says, brandishing her index finger in the air as if she’s making a particularly salient point. “The bigger the muscles, the bigger the heart, isn’t that ”

“Is that a real saying?” Niko says.

“No, I just made it up,” Y/N’s friend says. “But it kind of fits in this instance, don’t you think?”

“You’re not wrong,” Aiku says. “But do you mean to say Barou would be this nice to any girl?”

“It’s not like I know him personally. Shouldn’t you be able to answer that better than me?” Y/N’s friend says.

“There aren’t any girls in Blue Lock,” Niko says. “This is the first time we’ve seen him interact with one, so we actually have no idea.”

“Ah,” she says. “That explains a lot. Anyways, yeah, if I had to guess, he would be.”

“Hm,” Aiku says. This throws a definite wrench in their plans — up until this point, he had been convinced that there were sparks flying between Y/N and Barou, mostly because he had never seen Barou so gentle and quick to calm down in his life. Yet, if Y/N’s friend is telling the truth, and he has no reason to think she isn’t, then this is actually just his true personality.

On the one hand, it’s comforting to know that Barou isn’t constantly on the verge of an aneurysm, and indeed can even be persuaded towards kindness in his day-to-day life. On the other, it doesn’t solve their problem, which is getting him to calm down when he’s interacting with his fellow Ubers teammates.

Aiku comes to a decision relatively quickly. It’s his experience as a captain which lends him that swiftness; on the field, split-second decisions are the only way to go. He’s good at taking information and rapidly synthesizing it to come up with workable solutions, and though this isn’t a soccer match, the stakes are almost just as high.

The facts of the situation are as follows: Y/N does not seem to mind talking to Barou, and given that they’ve been engaged in conversation almost this entire time, the inverse is also likely true. Furthermore, she’s proven able to persuade him not to freak out at himself and Niko when they were pushing his buttons, which is something no one has ever managed before and is somewhat the end goal of the outing. Of course, she apparently only likes ugly guys, and Barou’s far from ugly — as a fellow member of the non-ugly community, Aiku is confident in saying this — but things like that are subjective, so he decides he shouldn’t worry too much about that aspect.

Then there are the theories, namely Y/N’s best friend’s one about how any girl might have a similar effect on Barou. This could be true, or it could also not be, but Aiku only has one data point and a limited amount of time to work with, so despite the likely veracity, he has to set it aside as false for the time being. It’s not like there’s an endless supply of girls just hanging around for him to test out Barou’s reactions with, so in this moment, he’s deeming Y/N L/N as a special case, an outlier, and this can only lead to one conclusion:

Barou is totally into her. 

“Two younger sisters, really?” you say. While your best friend has been talking to Aiku and Niko in hushed tones, you’ve been preoccupied with Barou, who’s proven himself to be nothing like his first impression. You had expected him to be fussy and rude and intimidating, and while the latter adjective certainly still applies, he’s kind instead of spiteful and almost shy instead of brash.

“Yeah,” he says, and there’s a smile in his voice, although his face does not shift in the slightest. “They’re much smaller, so I look after them a lot — when I’m home, anyways. Obviously, I haven’t seen them since I’ve been at Blue Lock.”

“How sweet of you,” you say. “I bet your mother appreciates you a lot.”

“I try to help her whenever I can,” he says.

You’re about to internally swoon, but then you stop yourself. So what if he’s athletic, helps his mother, is tall, handsome, kind, muscular, and supposedly good with kids? That doesn’t mean anything. He probably has a girlfriend, anyways, given all of these positive attributes—

“I have to go to the bathroom,” you say, standing up. Your best friend looks over at you in concern, for she knows of your distaste for public restrooms, and then she, too, stands.

“Want me to come?” she says.

“Yes,” you say, striding off without further explanation. As soon as the two of you are far enough from the table, you give her a distressed look. “I need help.”

“What’s up?” she says.

“I think—”

“Are you into Barou?” she asks, cutting you off. You blink at her.

“How did you know?” you say.

“You’ve spent almost the entire time talking only to him. It’s a little obvious,” she says.

“Oh, no,” you say. “He’s definitely caught on, then!”

“It’s not a big deal. According to Aiku and Niko, he’s single, so that’s one thing you don’t have to worry about, and besides, if that’s the case, then he’s fair game, isn’t he? There’s nothing wrong with being interested in someone,” she says. 

“He’s single? How?” you say. “You’re telling me no one’s been interested in him yet? That’s impossible.”

“There is the whole ‘locked away in a facility with zero girls’ aspect to be considered…” she says.

“Well, that’s true,” you say, feeling dumb for having forgotten that. “Do you think he’s interested in me?”

“He’s been talking to you back, right? That’s a good sign, especially since he’s been ignoring his friends to do so,” she says. “There’s a decent chance. If anything, does he seem like the kind of guy that would be mean about rejecting you? You should just ask him for his number when we get back.”

“Me? Ask for his number?” you say.

“I’ve heard girls have high success rates when they approach guys that they’re into. What’s the worst that can happen? Either way, the three of them are heading back to some weird facility after tonight, so we can just leave and never see them again if it’s awkward,” she says.

You mull this over. Nothing she’s saying is wrong, and anyways, it’s been a while since you dated someone. Besides, you’ll probably not meet someone like Barou again for a long, long time, and when you really think about it, you’d rather live with a rejection than a what-if scenario floating around in your mind for the rest of your life.

“Alright,” you say. “I’ll do it, but that means you have to dump the gerbil dude and move on.”

“Did that earlier. I couldn’t stop thinking of Tinkerbell the gerbil whenever I saw his profile picture; it totally killed the mood. Thanks a lot,” she says.

“It’s my pleasure,” you say. “Now, let’s go back. I have a number to get!”

“Um, hold on,” she says. “I do actually have to pee, and the bathroom doesn’t seem too dirty.”

You sigh, because now that you’re this pumped up, you don’t want to delay any longer, but you’re not about to abandon her, so you nod towards the door.

“I’ll wait here, then. Be quick!” 

“Well, well, well,” Aiku says. “Who would’ve thought we’d get to see the day?”

“What are you talking about?” Barou says when he notices that both Aiku and Niko are looking at him.

“What aren’t we talking about?” Aiku says. 

“It’s Y/N,” Niko says, defusing the volatile atmosphere rather efficiently. Aiku hands him a French fry off of his plate as a form of praise; accepting it happily, Niko chews and swallows before continuing. “You like her, right?”

“What? No,” Barou says quickly — too quickly, which means the answer is the opposite of what he’s just said. Aiku steeples his fingers together, because he couldn’t have imagined things going any better, and he feels like he’s entitled to a villainous pose or two every now and again. 

“You’ve been talking to her the entire time we’ve been eating, and you didn’t yell at her when she told you to calm down,” Aiku says.

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Barou says.

“I guess it’s for the better,” Niko says. “Her friend told us she has a boyfriend.”

Aiku’s about to reprimand him for making things up, but before he can, he sees out of the corner of his eye that the tips of Barou’s ears have turned a surprisingly light and rosy pink, and then he can only shake his head in amazement. Niko’s really fucking good at this. Aiku almost wonders if he should ask the kid for anime recommendations or something.

“Really?” Barou says. 

“Really,” Niko says.

“That’s — I mean, it’s none of my business, so why are you telling me?” Barou says.

“You’re awfully upset if that’s the case,” Aiku points out.

“I’m not upset!” Barou says. “Just…I wasn’t expecting her not to be single, that’s all.”

“Expecting, or hoping?” Aiku says. Barou glares at him but does not respond, which tells Aiku all he needs to know. “It’s okay for you to have a crush on her. She seems nice enough.”

“Yeah,” Niko says. “If you guys get along, then there’s no harm in just asking her out. We’re going back to Blue Lock after dinner anyways, so it’s not like you’ll see her in the future if you don’t want to. Can you live with yourself if you don’t give it a shot?”

“Aren’t you a king?” Aiku urges. “What kind of king doesn’t put his best foot forward at all times?”

“The kind of king that respects other people’s relationships, you chewed up wad of spearmint gum,” Barou says.

“Oh, I was just making that up,” Niko says. “I wanted to see how you’d react. She’s definitely single.”

“You—!”

Aiku and Niko are saved from another one of Barou’s tirades by the arrival of Y/N and her friend. With a final malevolent sneer, Barou continues to talk to Y/N, who seems eager to pick up where they left off. Aiku high-fives Niko under the table.

“You’re a genius, buddy,” he says.

“Does this mean you’ll buy me dessert, too?” Niko says.

“If you’ll share with me, then sure.”

“Deal.” 

“When should I ask him for his number? It’ll be awkward if I do it in front of everyone, I think,” you say.

“Why would it be awkward?” she says. “I’m not about to judge you. I already know you’re going to do it.”

“I was talking about Aiku and Niko,” you say, though you’re specifically referring to Aiku — there’s a sense of naïveté to Niko, so the thought of being so bold in front of him doesn’t make you squeamish, but it’s a difference case with his counterpart. Oliver Aiku has a sort of suaveness to him that makes you feel as though he’s not been rejected once in his life, and that’s more than a little terrifying. What might such a master say about your feeble attempts at flirting? You don’t want to imagine it. The mere beginnings of the thought are preemptively giving you hives, so having the thought fully formed, or heaven forbid the actual event occurring…you shudder at the plethora of side effects you’ll no doubt undergo.

“That’s fair,” she says. “I can distract them, if you want. While we’re getting dessert, I’ll tell Aiku I’m having car trouble and ask if he can take a look. He seems like the kind of guy that would fall for that. I don’t know what to do about Niko, though…”

“He’ll probably go with Aiku, but even if he doesn’t, I think it’ll be fine if it’s just him there,” you say. “He’s pretty harmless.”

“You better not wimp out, then! If I have to embarrass myself by pretending to know nothing about cars, then the least you can do is actually ask for his number,” she says.

“I’ll do it!” you say. She obviously doesn’t believe you, so you pout. “Promise I will.”

“Fine,” she says. 

“Fine,” you say.

“Fine!” she says again. “Just give me a second before we go back, then. I need to think of what kinds of issues my car will be having…” 

“Hey, Aiku,” Y/N’s friend says. The entire table falls silent, including Aiku himself — he’s more than a little confused about what she could want with him. After all, he’s not done anything that would seem like he’s trying to pursue her, so there’s no reason for her to believe he’s interested, and it’s not like they’re close enough for her to be talking to him in specific.

“What’s up?” he says.

“My car is making a weird sound when it starts. I was going to wait to ask my dad when I got home, but if you know anything about cars, could you maybe…?” she says.

Aiku knows nothing about cars, and he’s about to tell her as much, but then Niko of all people is answering. He hasn’t heard the boy talk this much since they met, which means he’s really getting into this.

“Sure, we can both take a look while we wait for dessert to come,” he says. It’s suspicious, because if Aiku knows nothing about cars, then Niko’s understanding has to be in the negatives. The kid doesn’t even have his driver’s license yet, so how would he be of any help? Unless this is another skill he’s picked up from watching anime, in which case it seems like that’s another hobby Aiku needs to take up.

“Thanks,” Y/N’s friend says, clearly relieved. “Y/N, do you mind staying back so no one takes our table?”

“Barou, keep her company,” Niko says. “We don’t want them thinking we’re the dine-and-dash type.”

“It’s okay with me,” Y/N says before Barou can argue, which effectively shuts Barou up. Aiku’s beloved teammate only grunts in agreement, watching the trio out of the corner of his eyes as they scurry out of the restaurant and begin to wander about aimlessly in the parking lot.

“Can you, uh, describe this noise to me?” Aiku says. It’s not like that knowledge will really change much for him, but he thinks that it might be better if he at least pretends to put forth some effort into assisting the girl. After all, it’d be bad for business if he gets flamed as the rude, unhelpful type.

“Huh? Oh, I made that up,” she says.

“As I expected,” Niko says.

“What? Why would you do that?” Aiku says. Then he comes to a realization, and it’s like a bucket of ice water has been poured over his head. “Hold on just a second, I’m not the one looking for—”

“That was a great method of leaving Y/N and Barou alone,” Niko says, cutting Aiku off before he can continue to embarrass himself. “Now they can figure things out between themselves.”

“Right?” Y/N’s friend says. “There’s only so much they can do when we’re all sitting there.”

“Yeah, awesome idea,” Aiku says, relieved to hear that she’s on their side. Girls take their friends’ opinions seriously. If Y/N’s best friend approves of Barou, then that’s a plus in Barou’s favor, and given Barou’s uniqueness, he needs all of the pluses he can get.

“And just so you know, you’re not my type, so don’t take any of this in a weird way. I just want Y/N to be happy,” she continues.

“Duly noted,” Aiku says. 

“Sorry I wasn’t faster in cutting you off,” Niko whispers when Y/N’s friend pulls out her phone and begins to play on it again. Aiku shrugs.

“No worries. Nobody’s perfect,” he says. “Although, honestly? If this night ends up the way we want it to, then I’d say you’re pretty damn close regardless.” 

“I’m really sorry,” Barou says as soon as your best friend, Aiku, and Niko have exited the building. 

“For what?” you say. The crowd is dwindling, for the restaurant is nearing its closing time, but it’s still busy enough that you have to stay close to him in order to be able to hear what he’s saying. Or maybe that’s an excuse you’ve made for yourself; either way, he doesn’t pull back, so you remain in the comfortable space between you both.

“Aiku,” he says. “Also Niko, but mostly Aiku.”

“Why? He’s not done anything too horrible,” you say. “He’s pretty funny. And Niko seems like a nice boy.”

“They have this idea in their mind,” he says. “It’s totally stupid, but that’s why they’re acting like this. They’re not usually quite as idiotic.”

“What do you mean?” you say. You almost want to tell him to hurry up so you can ask for his number before the others come back and your best friend gets upset with you, but you’d rather listen to him talk, and anyways once you ask him for his number there’s a chance things will go wrong, so you want to soak in these last few seconds before that happens.

“I mean, you know,” he says, and then he’s turning a color you never would’ve expected from someone as reputedly tough as him. “Just that they think I like you.”

“Like me?” you say.

“Yeah,” he says. “Like I’m into you or something.”

You had hoped for it, but not seriously considered it — although, the teasing and whatnot do make a little more sense now that he’s added this context to it. If Aiku and Niko think he might be into you…you know you shouldn’t be fanciful, that it’ll eventually lead to disappointment, but you want to. You really want to, so when you next speak it’s tentative but optimistic.

“If you are,” you begin, nervous more than anything, though you’re certain the only cure is getting this over with, “I am, too. Into you, I mean.”

Barou’s lips are still parted as if he’s about to say something, but no words escape him. He just sits there and stares at you, as if you’ve said something profound or shocking or both. Probably both. You giggle, shifting in your seat and adjusting your position, because seeing him like this is endearing as much as it is uncomfortable.

“If you’re not, it’s alright, but my friend told me I should ask you for your number or something, so I don’t have any regrets when we leave,” you say. “She’s right, too. I’d have felt horrible forever if I never said anything.”

He’s still silent. You question if you’ve somehow caused him to malfunction, so you nudge his foot with your own under the table. This does nothing to break him out of his daze, and then you realize he’s probably trying to figure out how to best reject you, so you sigh.

“It’s okay to say no. There’s no expectation on my part. I just wanted to get it out there,” you say.

“No!” he says.

“Well, I mean, you didn’t have to be exuberant about it,” you mutter to yourself before smiling. “That’s okay, though! Thank you for listening and talking to me—”

“I mean, yes. No. I don’t know which question I’m supposed to be answering!” he says. “I do like you. That’s what I’m trying to say, but you just said so many things that I didn’t know what to respond to.”

“You like me?” you say. You had never in your wildest fantasies imagined someone like Barou being into you. It was the kind of thing that just didn’t happen, and yet, somehow, it had. Barou liked you. 

“I guess so,” he says. “That’s how Aiku would phrase it, I think. I enjoy talking to you, and you have nice table manners. You kept your hands and surroundings clean, and you didn’t spill anything, which is more than can be said about a lot of people. I really appreciate that kind of trait in a person.”

“Uh, thanks?” you say, because you’ve not really been complimented on your table manners before, but it’s kind of sweet. “Yeah, thanks. I’d compliment you back, but there’s so many things to say that I wouldn’t know where to start…”

“How about with your phone number?” he says. You’re pretty sure that that’s uncharacteristically bold of him, because his eyes widen as soon as he comprehends what he’s said, but he doesn’t take it back. Instead, he waits, his hands folded carefully in his lap as he watches you, probably wondering what you’ll say in response to the request.

Smiling at him, you pull out your phone and open your hand, waiting for him to give you his. 

“You got her number?” Aiku says as they’re driving home. Niko’s in the backseat this time, mostly because he offhandedly mentioned feeling nauseous after eating and Aiku has no interest in getting vomit all over him. “Way to go, man.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Barou says, gazing out of the window mysteriously. “I can’t exactly take her on dates or anything while I’m stuck in Blue Lock.”

“If you get Snuffy’s permission, you could,” Aiku says.

“We probably shouldn’t abuse that,” Niko says. “Otherwise, Ego will come up with some insane punishment for all of us. The guy’s a super-freak. I’m sure he’s got some crazy stuff stored away.”

“Very true,” Aiku says. “Don’t worry too much, though, Barou. If she’s the one, she won’t mind waiting.”

“How can I know if she’s the one when we’ve only met once? You’re delusional,” Barou says.

“It’s pretty simple,” Aiku says. “Do you want her to be?”

The moonlight hits Barou in a particularly elegant way at that moment. Aiku’s suddenly not surprised that Niko’s anime intelligence worked so well — Barou seems straight out of a girlish romance novel or TV show or something along those lines just then.

“Yeah,” he says. “I do.”

“Then that’s that!” Aiku says, pulling into the garage and putting Snuffy’s car in park. “Trust me, there was major chemistry there, so I’m sure she’s of the same opinion.”

“It’ll work out,” Niko agrees. He’s clearly feeling much better now that they’re not in the car, his steps light and bouncy, his lips curving upwards at the corners. “You’re a great guy, Barou. We were talking about it earlier.”

Barou scoffs. “Of course I am.”

“Classic Barou,” Aiku says, throwing his arm around Barou’s shoulder. “So humble.”

“Get off of me,” Barou grumbles, shoving Aiku away, though there’s a marked gentleness to it that tells Aiku their plan worked. He’s excited to see the long-term effects — if only one dinner with Y/N was enough for Barou to relax this much, then the duration of their relationship might be akin to a vacation for the rest of the Ubers.

That night, Aiku and Niko are brushing their teeth in the bathrooms together, since nobody else is up and there’s a certain camaraderie built between them after their adventure.

“We did good today, Niko,” Aiku says after spitting his toothpaste into the sink. 

“Agreed,” Niko says.

The door slams open right after he does, which is horribly ironic timing, because it reveals a furious Barou. He’s already enormous, but his fury causes him to swell until his proportions are vaguely Hulk-like and entirely terrifying. Both Aiku and Niko glance at him in confusion, because he should have no reason to be upset, and then, right before he can start yelling, it hits them like a truck.

“Hey, you donkeys,” Barou hisses. “Did you think you could distract me by taking me to dinner? That stain is still there. Can neither of you do anything for yourselves? I’m going to kill you both, mark my words!”

Aiku groans. Niko face-palms.

Fuck. 

[finalgirllx]

can you do theo headcanons for a haunted house please 🤍

hi! i tried my best to make it different than mattheo's but there's probably some similarities just because it's such a niche scenario. also, i don't know why i turned this into a same-universe au, with an emphasis on mattheo and theo's friendship, but i had fun with it! enjoy!

theo appears to be quite at ease as you two stand outside hogsmeade's much-anticipated haunted house this halloween season. though not a huge fan of spooky things, theo entertains the festivities because he knows how much you enjoy them. he always insists that nothing scares him, often ragging on horror or making jokes rather than suspending his disbelief.

that said, theo took delight in teasing mattheo about how he had avoided all of the house's scares only to lose his cool during a run-in with a 'dangerous' critter on his walk back. you couldn't feign surprise then when, after asking theo to take you to the event, he was suddenly struck with a determination to outdo his closest friend and earn bragging rights by 'handling the haunted house' better than mattheo had. the two friends are notorious for their unnecessary competitions and games and this was no different.

finally inside the house of scares, theo keeps a firm grip on your hand, partly to show possession but also to 'protect you' from the scare actors. they love targeting you for your animated jitters and yelps but noticeably avoid theo's side, thanks to his towering stature and intense blue-eyed 'don't mess with me' glares. quieter than normal, his protective boyfriend instincts notch up to 11, squeezing your hand at every fright. butterflies pool into your stomach when you catch his stone-cold look transform into a smirk for a millisecond whenever you giggle at the sillier bits. if not for these glimpses of how enamored he is with you, you might be more concerned by his forcibly-collected expression.

a truly special moment between you and theo takes place inside a sprawling, maze-like room of mirrors, charmed to constantly evolve with colorful lighting and fake-out exits that appear to move on their own. amid exploring the vibrant halls and evading dead ends, you stop theo to admire your 'cute couple look' in a mirror, prompting him to kiss your face gently. (in a modern au, this would be a perfect photo op!).

when you two exit the attraction, theo's sigh of relief tells you how on edge he really had been. you quickly embrace him to express your gratitude for getting to enjoy this night out together.

the most satisfying part of the night for theo comes when he lucks out by not facing any more scares on your trek back. the pettily triumphant grin as he reveals his 'win' over mattheo, whose face crinkles into a look of annoyance over the sheer disrespect, is priceless. the gloating quickly devolves into a noisy, taunting squabble, each insisting they must return to see which 'best man wins.' 😈

[aroaceleovaldez]

Do you have any fun Piper headcanons?

BOY DO I

She wears velcro shoes. they're the gaudiest, tackiest looking ones she could find that fit her from the kid's section. I personally usually like to give her Hello Kitty ones. She wears them cause they're fun and colorful and also ADHD causes problems with fine motor control which can make it hard to tie shoelaces, and the bright colors are great for sensory stuff, so colorful kid's velcro sneakers it is. This is so important to me.

Hair ties! I like to give her two braids down the side of her face tied off with big chunky bright hair ties. My hc with that is that she braids her hair as a stim, and those are just the easiest chunks of hair to braid and unbraid idly (source: that was one of my stims back when i had long hair), plus probably chews on them as another stim (she needs a chew necklace real bad she'll get one eventually). The hair ties being bright colors is once again sensory stimulation from bright colored clothing/accessories go brrr, they bonus as an extra fidget, and also she adores tacky/gaudy stuff and anti-fashion so they go right in with her aesthetic (or lack-there-of).

Okay so yknow how everybody started drawing Piper with beaded earrings. I disagree with the style of earrings everybody gives her - most people go with giving her BIG dangly beaded earrings. I don't think she's a big earrings person, or particularly a dangly earrings person, or at least not a "stylish" big earrings person. I DO however think she'd 100% adore beaded fandom earrings, like these hello kitty ones, or these Kiki's Delivery Service ones.

In general i think she owns so much youtuber merch. It is a solid staple of her wardrobe. The sillier and stupider, the better. She DEFINITELY has the GMM "Everybody knows i love lesbians" merch. She is the target demographic of that ridiculous redbubble merch stuff that's like, a throw blanket that's a collage of insert-youtuber-here's face. Also just general fandom merch. Again, the more ridiculous the better. She hates fashion you KNOW she's mix-and-matching cosplay pieces at least half out of spite just for fun.

She also 100% buys jackbox Tee-KO tshirts and has a whole collection of them.

Because I like giving Piper at least some sense of "I know people who exist outside of the main cast of protagonists" (that is severely lacking in HoO) i like to hc that Shel is an old childhood friend of hers that was like neighbors with her grandpa or something similar, so whenever Piper would visit they would hang out. When Piper moves to Oklahoma they start hanging out again and start dating.

She has very eclectic music tastes. When she was younger it was mostly she hated everything "popular" out of principle but as she got older it's just anything, though a general lean for stuff a la 2000s top hits, cause she is not immune to nostalgia. or late 2000s emo.

Contrary to popular fanon I don't hc that Piper and Leo were "true" friends pre-Hera memory shake-up. I imagine they had one of those school alliances you sometimes make where you see each other every day and you prefer working with them during class versus whoever else but you know like all of 4 things about them including their name and you've never hung out outside of class before. Immediately after their TLH quest they shift to more of a "we are in a new environment (hell of a situation with ADHD/autism) full of strangers (hell. hell on earth) but we know who each other are and are already familiar with one another so. CAMARADERIE." and by the end of the Argo II quest it's a "okay we're ACTUALLY proper friends now." They're not each other's best friends (Piper's is Annabeth and Leo's is Hazel) but they have a VERY strong unique bond of "we've been through this with each other from the beginning, since before all this demigod stuff."

Piper is very "queer label fuckery" to me. She'd LOVE defying boxes and just messing around with all of that. She's digging deep to find niche labels and using atypical combos and it's a really great identity sandbox for her. Also messing around with gendered language in a similar manner.

I don't care what canon says she and Drew eventually warm up to each other and become good siblings to me. Piper unlearns her internalized misogyny and Drew unlearns some of her toxic femininity and they learn to appreciate each other's perspectives - Drew eventually comes to find Piper's perspectives on fashion and the entertainment industry fascinating and Piper respects how outspoken and self-advocating Drew is. They get really into DIY fashion projects together - Piper's goal is to get Drew hooked on alt fashion and it's working.

[chazz-is-a-zelda-fan]

I was just thinking about how from my recollection, every time Chazz does anything bad/questionable at any point it's because he's under the influence of or being straight up controlled by someone else.

Like everything he does pre school duel he does because his brothers still have him in the palm of their hands and he has to put up this front and this hard shelled persona to cope with the pressure and it drives him to make some decisions that could be considered bad, like throwing Bastion's cards into the ocean for example. But even then, he never does anything particularly major, he's just a struggling kid desperate to earn his brothers' approval and respect and prove that he's worthy of the family name because they're constantly berating him and putting him down and telling him that he isn't if he doesn't do things their way and behave the way they want him to and do what they want him to and it's too much for him to carry. And his brothers are so much older than him and he's a 15 year old kid, so they hold a lot of weight over him, what they say and what they think of him matters to him.

But then there's season 2, where all the bad things he does that everyone is mad at him for even after he returns and holds against him, like turning Alexis and honestly the majority of the school, he only does because he's been brainwashed and is being controlled by Sartorius. He doesn't even remember anything between being defeated by Sartorius and waking up during the duel with Jaden, Sartorius saw a confused kid looking for a new purpose and took him to serve his the Light of Destruction's needs because he was a powerful duelist and a vulnerable, easy target.

And on a slightly sillier note, even stealing the Spirit Keys back at the end of season 1 which is kinda not a great thing to do ultimately was Atticus's idea personally I think Atticus knew the plan wasn't going to work and set Chazz up so knowing that Alexis would reject him so that he could move on from her and just didn't think through the part about the keys being technically won in a duel as a result and causing problems but shhhhhhh

I don't know, it just made me really upset thinking about it 🥺 he's a good kid dammit 🥺

he IS A GOOD KID!!! i always turn to the fact that he gives foster his 50th card. he has nothing to gain from giving the card away, it wouldn’t benefit him. the fact that he GETS the 50th is pure luck!! he did it because he wanted to!! he respected the way foster struggled for a deck like he did, it put him on equal terms with someone!!!!!

he’s so sweet under it all <:( the chazz at the start of s1 would never go up in those bleachers and chant “L TO THE E TO THE X TO THE I, LEXI RULES AND THATS NO LIE!!” but he DOES and you know why?!?!? because he FINALLY has a space to just be a TEENAGER and CRINGE and a BOY!!! he’s not supposed to be a paragon of a business corporation, he’s just a 15 y/o with a crush on a girl!!!!!!!!!

like. he still needs to learn to take no for an answer, but HE FINALLY GETS THAT CHANCE AND IT MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME. when i first moved in with my mom after spending so much time with my shitty dad’s side of the family, she had to constantly remind me i was a teenager and not some hardened adult — that i could ask to hang out with my friends on the weekend or that i could mess up and not have a panic attack because nobody was going to scream at me. and it just gets me emotional every time to look at chazz and think that above all, in spite of everything, he’s just a teenager…

[strangergrove]

How about 16 AND 62?

This turned out longer and somehow simultaneously sillier and more serious than I expected.

16 - stop touching my butt

62 - “This is the dumbest shit we've ever done.” “This was your idea.”

---

Billy sat crouched behind a bush, scowling and putting a finger to his lips as a twig snapped beneath Steve’s foot. The brunette cringed and mouthed ‘sorry.’ Billy rolled his eyes and turned back toward their target. The sun was starting to set and Billy was starting to worry their plan was going to fall apart.

“You sure he’ll be leaving? It’s almost seven.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Steve whispered. “He’s not the most punctual, but he wouldn’t bail on Joyce like that.”

“And El?”

“At Mike’s.” Steve crept a little closer. “What’s up with you? I’ve never seen you this anxious about… anything, really.”

Billy shook his head. “Nothing. I’m fine. Just getting impatient.”

Just as the words left Billy’s mouth, the lights in the cabin began to flip off one at a time. A minute later, Hopper stepped out of the front door, looking surprisingly dapper.

Billy flashed Steve a smirk. “Hop cleans up pretty well.”

“Gross. Shut up. He’ll hear you.”

Hopper’s Jeep roared to life and Jim Croce began crooning out of the stereo, quickly joined by Hopper’s own rendition. A minute later, the purr of the engine, along with Croce, faded into the distance as Hopper tore down the back roads.

“At least someone’s in a good mood,” Steve remarked as Billy slung a bag over his shoulder and the two made their way toward the cabin.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t know, you’ve been a bit of a bitch lately. More than usual, I mean.”

Billy turned and cocked an eyebrow at Steve. “Is that right?” Steve nodded. “Well, sucks to be you, I guess. I plan on being a bitch all night.”

Steve could have sworn he saw the crook of Billy’s mouth twist into a smile as the boy turned back around.

A loud rattling skipped off into the evening as Billy fought with the doorknob. Neither of them should have been surprised the door was locked.

Steve snorted. “You’re lucky no one else lives out here.”

“Okay, smartass. Do you know how to pick a lock?”

“Well…” Steve’s face scrunched up. “Not exactly.”

“Thought so. Maybe you can stop critiquing me and go check the windows or something.”

“Fine,” Steve mumbled, heading off. “Bitch.”

“I heard that, asshole.”

After a few minutes, Steve came back around to find Billy sitting on the steps. “No luck. Y’know, Hop didn’t really strike me as the type to lock his windows.” Steve had expected at least a small chuckle for that. Instead, Billy sighed, and Steve was taken aback by how heavy it was. “You sure you’re okay?”

Billy shrugged and didn’t respond. After all the practices, the fights and makeups, the late night apologies, the begrudging hangouts while watching the kids, Steve had learned how to listen even when Billy wasn’t talking, which happened from time to time. The way Billy’s shoulder sagged was like a cry to Steve. The boy always had so much fight in him, so much tension in his muscles, that when all of that went away, Billy looked hollowed out, defeated.

“Something happen at home?” It was something they never really spoke about, but Steve had heard about it through Billy’s body language, and through Max.

Billy laughed and it sounded just as hollow as he looked. “Something’s always happening at home. But no. It’s just…” He rested his chin on his fist and looked over at Steve. “I know our lives are vastly different but… I understand her, in a way. El, I mean. I think I know some of the pain she felt growing up in that place.”

Steve didn’t know how to respond to that. There was a heaviness in the air he wasn’t used to. His parents had never spoken about anything of importance around him. It had always been on the periphery. He’d grown up without ever really learning how to hold a silence that heavy without feeling the need to break it. So it was with a hesitance somewhat foreign to him that Steve placed a hand on Billy’s shoulder and simply sat with him.

After a while, Billy finally spoke again. “Do you know what we did for my birthday after my mom left?” When Steve shook his head, Billy continued. “Nothing. Not once. Not even after Max and Susan came around. Well, not until this year.” There was a hint of a smile at the corners of his mouth. “This year Max asked for a ride out of town, to some record store. And she asked me for a recommendation..” Now the smile was obvious, and there was a lightness to his voice. “She specified ‘something she hasn’t already heard me listen to a million times.’ So I suggested something I knew I’d like but hadn’t been able to buy yet. That little rat bought it and gave it to me when we got back in the car.” He sniffed. “First birthday present I’ve gotten since I was a kid.”

“I’m sorry. If I’d known–”

Billy shook his head. “Nah. We’ve never been close enough for gifts.” He laughed. “Maybe someday. But nah, don’t feel bad for that.” He cleared his throat. “Anyway, my point was… I know El gets presents. I know Hop and the boys probably all have some awesome shit planned for her. And I’m happy. I just… I want to make her birthday special. And also annoy Hop, ‘cause that’s my new favourite hobby.” Billy grinned and Steve couldn’t help but imitate it.

“She’ll love it. I know she will. So let’s figure out how the fuck to get inside.”

Billy shrugged. “Don’t know how without breaking a window. And that’s not really my style.” Steve gave him a suspicious look. “Anymore. Okay, look, I was a different guy in Cali. Maybe it’s not so bad I was forced to move to this shithole town.”

With a nod that was far too enthusiastic, Steve said, “I’ve got an idea.”

“Stop touching my butt.”

“Damnit, Harrington, how else do you expect me to lift your giant ass up?”

Steve looked down at Billy. “Is this you finally admitting I’m taller than you?”

“Shut up and climb.”

Billy boosted Steve, by the ass, until the boy was able to place his feet on Billy’s shoulders. With a stretch, Steve’s fingers found purchase on the edge of the roof, and he began to pull himself up, assisted by Billy pushing up on Steve’s feet.

“Alright, now give me your hand.” Steve laid on his stomach and reached down for Billy, who quickly began to pull himself up. Steve grunted. “Holy shit, you’re heavy as Hell.”

“Yeah, muscle is heavy, you twink.”

Steve pulled Billy up the rest of the way. “I have no idea what that means or how to feel about it.”

Billy laughed. “I promise it’s not bad. And you’ll learn someday.” He winked.

Steve’s face immediately turned red. “Ew. Or… Whatever. What’s… What was that about?”

“Wow, you get flustered fast.”

“Shut up and go.”

Billy tilted his head, inspecting the piece of plywood boarding up the broken window above the bump-out they were standing on. “Guessing a tree branch took it out during the storm we had a couple weeks ago.”

“Okay, but can you get it off or not?”

Billy held up the crowbar they’d scavenged from the shed. “Eventually.”

After several frustrating minutes, Billy managed to pry the plywood free – mostly by breaking the corners where it was secured to the window frame.

“Sorry, Hop,” Billy mumbled as he set the plywood to the side and dropped down through the window with a grunt. “C’mon Harrington, it’s getting late.”

Steve stuck his head in through the window. “I think you got this. I’ll just drop the bag down.”

“Oh Hell no. If we get caught, we get caught together.”

“Okay, but you owe me.” He swung the bag around and dropped it into Billy’s waiting hands.” This is the dumbest shit we’ve ever done,” Steve grumbled as he lowered himself over the edge.

“This was your idea, dumbass.”

“Well, usually my ideas are great.”

Impatient at how long it was taking Steve to let go of the ledge, Billy walked over and grabbed Steve’s hips with a vice-like grip. “You can let go now.”

Steve did so, and Billy slowed his descent. “Oh. Um… Thank you.”

Billy grinned. “Any time. Now, let’s go. Who knows how long that date’s gonna last.”

They spent the better part of the next hour swapping out the contents of their bag. As Steve hauled the bag back to the Camaro, Billy did his best to nail the plywood back to the window frame, using a handful of random nails he’d found in the shed. By the time they’d packed up and made it a half mile down the road, Hopper was on his way back, singing with even more verve than before.

Billy smiled and glanced over at Steve with a bit of a twinkle in his eye. “You hungry?”

Hopper was in a good mood the next morning. Well, afternoon. He’d had a lovely night out with Joyce, and she’d actually liked his shirt this time, said it was cutting edge. He’d stayed up late, waiting for the call when El was ready to be picked up. They’d both had a late night and slept in.

“Happy birthday, kiddo,” he said, ruffling El’s hair as she came out of her bedroom. “You have a good night at the Wheelers’?”

El cocked her head and squinted. “Mike talks during movies. A lot.”

Hopper chuckled. “That doesn’t surprise me. Hey, kid, I’m sorry we missed breakfast. I think you ate the last of the Eggos yesterday anyway. But I did buy some new TV dinners that looked like they could be good.” He shrugged. “We could give those a try for lunch.” El scrunched her nose but shrugged. “If we hate it, I’ll order us a pizza. How’s that?” He was answered with a smile.

Hopper pulled a couple TV dinners out of the freezer. His brow furrowed when he noticed the packaging had already been opened. When he asked El if she’d opened them, she shook her head. Confused, Hop pulled the tray out to find it stuffed with Eggos.

“What the Hell?” He pulled out the other one to find the same. “Did you do this?”

El came over to see what he was talking about and her face immediately lit up when she saw the Eggos.

“I’ll take that as a ‘no.’”

Hop spent the next few minutes pulling out every box of food in the fridge and freezer, to find them all full of Eggos. A flare of annoyance and frustration hit him, but it was quickly soothed by the look of absolute delight on El’s face as she went to pop a few Eggos in the toaster.

“There’s a note,” she said, handing Hop a piece of paper he hadn’t noticed sitting on the toaster.

We’ll bring your food back tonight. Just wanted El to start her birthday with a smile.

P.S. Also maybe wanted to annoy you a little.

P.P.S. Sorry about the plywood.

[ford-between-dimensions]

Loyal to Bill this, loyal to Ford that, such partisanship going on here. You know where my loyalties lie? Only to the silliest and most important thing in the known universe: the bit.

I am not here to help Ford but will do it if the bit calls for it. I will not swear my loyalty to Bill as I intent to remain fully committed to the bit. My fellow random strangers who habitually harass a guy who’s stuck between dimensions, can you name anything sillier than swearing on your life that you intend to follow a joke or idea as far as it will go no matter how absurd or inconvenient it gets? I’m standing before you all in a suit, at a podium, and still doing mental calculations to see how can I fuck with this unhappily married man and maybe also his triangle husband. Do I even know what prize I’ll win for being the silliest? Absolutely not! But I see my opponents treating this like a presidential campaign and I answered the call of the bit.

*steps down from the podium, waving to an invisible crowd, approaches Ford and places a hand on his back, letting an index card fall into the back of his pants*

Jokes on you, my guy, anti-curse anon casted that anti-curse so you can curse me all you want but it’ll be more productive to curse me out.

(^This is 👁️ anon)

Now here’s a candidate who’s talking silly business!

Why were there so many targeted jabs at my expense? And I’d appreciate if you didn’t touch me.

[garbageruler]

My Personal Tier List of How Much I Think These JJK Characters Like Ouran Highschool Host Club

If anyone wants to know my reasoning/specific headcanons:

Homosexual Supporting Cast

Gojo: If he liked Digimon, I think he'd also like fun and goofy anime. Maybe he'd be a little in denial when he first watches it because its target demographic is girls, but I feel like he'd embrace the show as he gets older and sillier

Riko: She went to an all-girls middle school in 2006 I know she was eating that shit up with her friends

Nanako and Mimiko: They're pretty girly, so I see them liking girly shows like this. My HC for how they got into it was Geto put it on for them one day when he was reminiscing about his time with Gojo

Todo: tbh I headcanon that his idol, Takada-chan, casually mentioned that she liked OHSHC once, and then Todo just decided to stan it for life based on that alone. I think that would be so funny

Liked it Enough:

I just think everyone in this tier would enjoy a silly show about zany but deep characters with fun dynamics and visuals.

I do headcanon as Panda and Inumaki liking this show more than they thought they would, like they just decided to watch it for fun and ended up having a good time.

Not For Me:

Mechamaru and Yuta: They wouldn't have picked these shows out themselves, but they will absolutely watch this with/for Miwa and Rika respectively

Yuji: I headcanon that he gave this a try because Gojo invited him to watch it once, and it just wasn't his personal taste

Forced to Watch it:

Geto, Shoko, Megumi, and Ijichi: If you're around Gojo as much as these 4, being made to watch OHSHC is inevitable. I see Geto being the first victim when him and Gojo were in school, and that he'd still watch it from time to time just to remember those days. Megumi hates this show because Gojo made him watch it so many times growing up.

Maki: Panda and Inumaki put her up to it, but she doesn't watch anime in her free time

Choso: Yuki made him watch it with her. He dislikes this show the least out of everyone in this tier, but he still doesn't "get" tv shows, so i wouldn't say he's having a blast either

Sukuna: Sukuna shares a body with Yuji, only sees and hears what Yuji sees and hears, and has no say in the matter. That's the most "forced to watch it" you can get imo

Doesn't Watch Anime:

I don't think anyone in this tier would gravitate toward anime in general. Nanami and Nobara would keep having to swiftly avoid Gojo dragging them into the show

Homophobic:

Naoya: I know he's a raging misogynist, so he'd avoid this show like the plague anyways, but I wouldn't put it past him to be homophobic as well

Toji: Y'all saw what he did to Gojo and Geto. Polar opposite of ally behavior

Kenjaku: He probably thinks lowly of all television, I just think Kenny being homophobic would be funny

[dragonologist-phd]

For the fic ask thing: ♡ SMALL THINGS on ODAD?

Of Diamonds And Dust

aah this is tough, i have a lot of favorite things about this fic and it's so hard to choose! let's see...i think one detail from recent chapters that i enjoy is Darvis seeing Gorim in Denerim, and of course having no idea who he is:

Pockets heavy with silver, Daris weaves through the crowd back to the meeting place Zevran picked out. He makes note of potential future targets- there’s so many, even the merchants of this city just walk around without armor or anything- and makes sure to avoid the blacksmith’s cart on the north side of the square. The dwarf in charge of that particular shop has spent the day loudly proclaiming to all passerby that his materials are imported straight from Orzammar, and Darvis doesn’t doubt it. The withering glares the man has been casting over Darvis’s mark are proof enough that he’s Orzammar born and raised. That path can only lead to trouble, so Darvis keeps his head down and hurries on his way.

The juxtaposition between his and Marja's (eventual) reaction just amuses me. Playing with the pov in general is one of my favorite things to do in this fic. Origins is really just perfect for using different perspectives to set up narrative foils, and any chance to emphasize the parallels and differences between Darvis and Marja delights me!

on a sillier note, i'm really fond of Darvis's first impressions of the Pearl:

The sign is written in a looping scrawl that defies reading, and below the words is a drawing of a busty woman lying invitingly atop the doors. Long hair covers the barest amount of her breasts, and for some baffling reason her bare waist transforms into a fish tail in place of legs.

mainly the part where he's confused by the concept of mermaids, a legend which would have no reason to exist in Orzammar

fic ask game

[ra-archives]

Which Link is Caesar to be stabbed (with fake knives)? Who’s the chain ganging up on (for fun) and why?

First, happy Ides of March to you too <3 Secondly, I feel Twilight or Wars are Caesar. Wild, Hyrule, Wind and Four are totally planning everything. They are not subtle, Time hears everything and doesn't raise a finger to stop them because he finds it amusing. Sky does nothing as well, partly because he doesn't want to suddenly be the one thats stabbed, also its nice to see everyone having fun. Legend is pulled in when the stabbing gets started, and has a surprising amount of fun when he does. Between Twi and Wars, who ever isn't the one being stabbed is in the same boat as Legend.

TBH I have very little reasoning for that^ other than vibes. Mostly just Wild, Wind, Hyrule and Four give me mischievous little critter vibes. They always scheming. Four should get to do more nonsense. Only reason Time isn't involved is because he has to uphold his serious old man reputation. (That reputation is non existent. Everyone knowns he's mischievous and silly like the rest of him, Time is keeping this up for no one. He desperately wants to join them. Let the old man have fun)

Legend doesn't give me scheming vibes, just a tad to serious for that, but won't stop anyone else. Man is down for a little bit of chaotic fun though, so he joins in after. Sky is too quiet and collected to join in, but he'll watch with an eyeroll, and a slightly concerned but kind of entertained smile. Twilight and Wars are serious but also dramatic, so obviously perfect targets. They are both so dramatic when attacked, and chaotic enough to join the murder group when not being targeted.

Thirdly, I like to imagine that outside the Ides of March, everyone gangs up on eachother at any opportune moment.

Like, if anyone says something silly or trips over their own feet, everyone immediately starts ripping on them. There are a couple of constants, Wild and Hyrule aren't allowed opinions on what tastes edible, the most common reply to anything Time says is 'Uh huh, whatever you say gramps', and Wind is dragged for pretty much anything he says because he's the youngest, etc. But that doesn't mean the others are safe. You can pretty much guaranty that if it isn't serious (about battles, past quests and trauma, genuine heart to hearts) someone is going to jab at whoever said it.

Its a lot like big friend groups or close teams. Constantly making fun of eachother, but in that way that good friends do where you know its all from a place of love. If you don't lovingly drag someone through the mud for every single thing they say, are you really besties?

TBH maybe I should write a sillier fic. Their light hearted dynamics seem so fun to explore but everyone's always dying in my stuff so there's never time :') Maybe I'll actually keep writing 'The Years Bring Change' and throw it in there.

Well, this is longer than I meant it to be and not well though out cause I'm tired, but oh well. Gotta love rambles, lists and extra context!

[ryuichirou]

Replies

A lot to talk about today: there are replies about some of our previous posts, Leech parents, headcanons, antis, random stuff, and in general we are all over the place today.

Starting with the most important question though.

Anonymous asked:

Do you think Todd’s tits are big?

Yes, your honor. They are indeed of considerable size. Yes sir. Those sure are substantial.

But not the biggest ones of the cast though, Lucas is bigger 💪😔

Now that we’ve figured that out, let’s talk about antis and other things…

Anonymous asked:

On the subject of antis, I find it terribly ironic in a sad sort of way how many antis are being busted for victimizing, you know, ACTUAL, REAL LIFE children not fictional characters…

This is super ironic and honestly very disgusting, both in terms of them attacking kids online for their interests and straight-up grooming the younger antis in their own groups. Teenagers are very impressionable  and easy to manipulate, so of course someone is going to take advantage of that. What makes the manipulation easier is the fact that if you pretend to be against “those filthy weirdos proshitters”, it implies that you would never hurt a kid, and it makes these people feel even more trustworthy to them... Whenever I block a bunch of antis and see a random adult in their friend group, I always get this feeling of “god I hope you are just some pathetic harmless loser”.

But even without taking this particular shitty possibility into account, participating and promoting harassment of actual real people (kids included!!) over fictional characters is always going to be one of the most disgusting manifestations of their hypocrisy.

Anonymous asked:

Hey um so this twst server I'm in apparently has antis and they found your Twitter and they started hating on your shroudcest art and I left as soon as they did

Ik it probably won't be helpful if they do decide to target you but be careful please

Well yikes lol Thank you so much for telling us and for your concern, Anon! Unfortunately, it’s not something that we never experienced before; we just figured that even if we block every person who is speaking out publically against us, there are going to be certain people who discuss our stuff on discord. After all, why would they talk about the game and its characters and make something they would actually enjoy? Now that’s just silly. When people have nothing to do or to discuss, they’re going to gossip, pearl-clutch and complain about someone out there actually creating content and being good at it.

The only thing that bothers me about this whole thing is that these people aren’t supposed to be here. This isn’t a place for minors, even if they really really really want to see some disgusting smut to giggle with their friends about. But oh well, as recent events show, even locking your account doesn’t help to keep them away.

I am glad you are out of there though; I guess your intuition was right. I hope you find people to share your stuff with.

Thank you again for your support!

Phew, with all that out of the way… let’s talk about sillier stuff!

Anonymous asked:

Hiii, I'm the Anon who asked about the Leech parents. I didn't expect to see a sketch. Even if it's just their silhouettes, i got lowkey excited, so i was wondering if you're going to finish that sketch one day or post it?

The young leech twins are so cute! they're probably chaotic, too. I also find it interesting that Papa Leech has a cane, and Mama Leech looks like she's wearing a kimono!

That being said, I think it's very interesting that Twisted Wonderland not only has a bunch of interesting characters, but so are their parents/family! Besides the Leech parents, I find Mama Rosehearts and Mrs. Ashengrotto also very interesting despite only being mentioned a few times! I genuinely like that they include a little bit of information about each characters family instead of doing the typical anime trope of "Dead parents" or "Parents are overseas", it's very refreshing.

(this is related to this post!)

Hi Anon <3 I am very happy you liked the sketch! I’m not sure if I’m going to finish this one, but I would love to draw the Leech parents properly and in colour one day. Let’s hope for the best!

Little tweels used to be little spoiled shits lol I mean they still are, but you’re right, they were very chaotic at that age too. And I’m glad you liked the kimono and the cane! The moment we started thinking about the Leeches being yakuza, I couldn’t stop picturing Mama Leech as a sly woman in a kimono, so I am actually especially excited to draw her properly one day. I am not sure if Papa Leech even needs a cane, but it makes him look more impressive I guess… similarly to Azul lol, but maybe he does need to use a cane, maybe he isn’t as good at using his human legs, maybe he used to be better at it but it’s more difficult for him now.

I also absolutely agree with you. I am so glad that we have so many different type of families and parents in Twst. I feel like every character has a story to tell about how they were raised, and it always affects their personalities, motivations, and values. Even just comparing Mama Rosehearts and Mama Ashengrotto is very interesting, I would honestly love to learn more about every single Twst parent or sibling lol

blackbutlerfandomnerddomain asked:

Based off this, what are some things you think could get Riddle flustered or excited over his partners?

Hmmm, let’s see!

Floyd – probably whenever he is being more or less serious and focused?? If he just sits there, writing something down, thinking about the test and stuff. Granted, Riddle only experienced a sight like this once, but the butterflies in his stomach he felt that day were unforgettable.

Trey – whenever he handles the dough or cooks in general, but maybe this is just Riddle being excited about the fact that he’s going to eat a cake soon lol But also whenever Trey tries to discipline someone. He likes it when he gets a bit strict with others.

Chenya – this one is easy, whenever he winks at Riddle. Whenever he does it, Riddle gets very flustered. It’s been years and he still can’t get over it and get used to it.

Ace – this one is also rare, but when he does something… handsome and confident and not annoying at the same time? When he shows him a magic trick, hides all the cards somehow and goes “ta-daa” with a smug smile. Nevermind, this one is still annoying LOL but if he took a coin out of behind of Riddle’s ear, Riddle would probably blush a little.

Anonymous asked:

Bows before you. Today I bring with me Ortho/Malleus propaganda 🥰

1. Consider that Ortho has the ability to just absolutely flabbergast Malleus. Leave him totally speechless with his technology powers. Malleus has not a single clue how this little guy works

2. Consider Rollo... if Malleus was thinking he was a top and got met with DISAPPOINTMENT. Now imagine the opposite... If he's convinced that Ortho is probably a bottom, and is in for a very pleasant surprise!!

3. Not only does Ortho have the ability to flabbergast Malleus, but ALSO Malleus shoots out lightning when he gets frustrated, and Ortho is afraid of lightning.... I just think that's a little hot. And very interesting <3

4. For two characters that are both super OP they are surprisingly on very equal footing, but I can imagine both of them getting that NRC mindset that they're still definitely better than each other, flirting with each other about it even ( flirting = fighting to the death for fun)

5. Consider Malleus in a muzzle. This is irrelevant to my case. Consider it anyway 🤤

6. Their longevity..... Malleus is going to live for, what, another thousand years or so? He's going to outlive everyone at NRC for sure, and we have no idea how long Ortho will live, but assuming he can manage his own repairs, he could live for... Basically however long he wants, give or take. They are sort of the only ones who can "grow old" with each other.... extremely interesting to me

That is all, thank you for your time :^)

Anon, this is VERY IMPRESSIVE, you really made me think about these two. It’s a very good ship on so many levels, and every point that you made is 👌👌👌 Come to think of it, the vignette in which Ortho helped Malleus to come up with the Halloween costume idea was very fun. They are so different with how bad Malleus is at technology and how bad Ortho is at… lightning and stuff lol

Malleus is absolutely going to be surprised to learn that Ortho is a top, but then he’s probably going to start noticing how Ortho is similar to Lilia in a lot of ways. And this is absolutely going to amuse him.

The longevity is also a good point. I think this is the only character combo that could stay forever for hundreds of years?? (Sebek, about whom I forgot, is crying in the corner somewhere...) Which is very fun, considering how much both of them would hate to say goodbye to their loved ones.

The 5th point was very sneaky lol but very much worth considering. I nod in agreement. Yes.

Anonymous asked:

do you think that in the Seven's time, instead of by the sevens they said oh my Toboso or by Toboso! and stuff

That would be a funny 4th wall breaking lol Is Toboso the God of this universe? I mean technically she is. The great cult of Toboso.

By the way, is “the Sevens” the thing that only the EN version has? I might be wrong, but I think it wasn’t really in the original game. Which would make sense, it’s not like the Great Seven are a deity or something…

Anonymous asked:

My moe fall is my shoe flying in one direction, my weave flying in another, and then I backflip out a window.

Anon!! This is incredibly adorable, but you should really be careful! 😱 Such acrobatics!

Anonymous asked:

Passionately, animalistically, and roundly is how I eat my cereal

The only correct way to do it….

[nitrateglow]

Halloween 2023 marathon: 9-11

The Slumber Party Massacre (dir. Amy Holden Jones, 1982)

A serial killer breaks free from jail, but the local high school population could not care less. There's sex to be had and joints to be smoked at the latest slumber party. Anyone not invited to the party either aims to crash it (the horny high school boys) or stay at home trying not to think about how uncool they are (the new girl who's better at basketball than her catty peers). All will be drawn together once the killer makes his way into town with a handy power drill that totally won't be used inappropriately.

I saw this movie for the first time earlier this year and immediately fell in love with its goofy charm. Apparently, it was written to be a parody of slasher tropes. The movie isn't played for broad comedy, but the humor is ever present in both overt and subtle ways. There's also a blend of cattiness and affection between the female characters that reminds me of the sorority house dynamics of Black Christmas, and the dialogue is often hilarious.

However, for all the humor, there are some creepy moments. The Driller Killer's "love" monologue is skin-crawling-- even if it is followed by a glorious parody of "the killer should be dead but isn't" trope.

This is one I love showing to other people. Everyone usually falls over laughing by the end, so it's a great group movie, but even alone, it's a fabulous time. You can currently catch it on Tubi for free.

Eyes of Laura Mars (dir. Irvin Kershner, 1978)

Controversial fashion photographer Laura Mars starts having psychic visions of the murders of her associates right as the crimes are being committed. She and everyone she knows become suspects of the slayings. The police find it particularly interesting that Laura's photos, which pair high fashion with images of murder and violence, resemble the subsequent crime scenes. Confused and feeling guilty, Laura teams up with cynical investigator John Neville, hoping to track down the killer before she or anyone else she loves becomes the next target.

This is a new-to-me horror film I caught on Tubi. All I knew about Eyes of Laura Mars is that it was directed by Irvin Kershner, a journeyman filmmaker best known for The Empire Strikes Back, and written by John Carpenter (though tampered with by many before shooting began). The movie is essentially an American spin on the Italian giallo genre. You have the familiar setting of the fashion world, sexy models who become murder victims, a hapless protagonist drawn into the mystery, and some very nasty kills.

There's a lot I like about this film, but in the end it didn't completely work for me. Maybe it's because unlike the best giallo, the movie doesn't have that otherworldly, psychedelic vibe that makes an audience able to swallow the sillier parts of the story. This is a very grounded, gritty presentation of New York City, making the more outrageous things in the film (like the unexplained psychic powers) stand out and not in a good way. Faye Dunaway's performance also verges into unintentional camp, with her wailing like she's in a 1940s melodrama much of the time. And I love melodramatic 1940s movies with appropriately overheated performances, but when the rest of your story is trying to be more realistic, that approach just takes me out of it because it doesn't gel. (Don't even get me started on the final twist, which I can't decide if I find laughable or clever.)

And yet, this is hardly a bad film. What frustrates me so much about it is that there's a lot that's pretty great. The supporting characters aren't the deepest in the world, but they are likable, so when they got picked off, I actually felt something. The movie also has an appealing time capsule element in its presentation of NYC during the height of the disco era. The fashions and the music are dated in the best way.

Despite my complaint about Dunaway's campy moments, Laura Mars is an interesting protagonist. She takes her art very seriously despite the derision she receives from her critics. She doesn't allow anyone to push her around, be it her boozy ex-husband, hostile reporters, or the police. She clearly loves the models, make-up artists, and other associates who work with her, and Dunaway does well lending a genuine sense of bereavement to the character as her social circle gets picked off one by one. However, I feel like the movie doesn't do much with her and she doesn't really have an arc.

I just really wish this film were a better version of itself. However, I can definitely see myself rewatching it someday, so maybe knowing the twists will make me better appreciate what is there. I don't know.

The Curse of Frankenstein (dir. Terence Fisher, 1957)

From adolescence, Baron Victor Frankenstein has had one dream: to cheat death. He and his research partner Paul Krempe delve into the mysteries of life, managing to reanimate a dead dog. Paul is satisfied with this achievement, but like a Disney Princess, Victor wants more. Like, creating a superbeing from bits and pieces of corpses more. This does not end well. At all.

It isn't spooky season without some Hammer Horror. I really have a hard time picking a favorite Hammer film, but The Curse of Frankenstein is definitely up there. Peter Cushing is so perfectly amoral and charming as Victor Frankenstein. I love Colin Clive in the Universal movies, but Cushing is my favorite in the part.

I've always admired how this movie sets itself apart from the Universal series without overdoing the opposition. The Universal movies were influenced by 1920s German expressionism, whereas the Hammer films go for more of a Victorian gothic meets explicit (by 1950s standards) sex and gore vibe. The sets and costumes are always wonderful in these films. I really love Cushing's glorious jackets, particularly the emerald green one.

<spoilers down below-- beware!>

Curse is also interesting for its frame narrative with Frankenstein telling the story from prison the hour before he is to be guillotined for his crimes. No one believes there was ever a creature and Victor wants everyone to know that, hey, he didn't commit ALL the murders. What's most fascinating about the frame story is the way it presents Paul, Victor's former tutor and research partner. Throughout the story, Paul is an unheeded voice of conscience tormented by the crimes Victor commits to achieve his goals. It's also implied Paul is in love with Victor's fiancee Elizabeth, and that this passion ignites further resentment against Victor on Paul's part because Victor clearly does not care about Elizabeth at all but is going to marry her anyway.

The film ends with Victor begging Paul to tell the authorities about the Creature, but Paul acts as though Victor is insane or just making it all up. He doesn't want to save Victor-- but is that because he wants to see justice done? Or is he also tight-lipped because he wants to secure Elizabeth for himself and knows she'll feel too duty-bound toward Victor (who supported her and her destitute aunt during Elizabeth's childhood) to break off the engagement unless the groom-to-be is, well, headless? It's a wonderfully ambiguous touch and it makes Paul more than just a nagging moral center.

<spoilers over>

Anyways, this is a perfect Halloween movie. Don't miss it if you've never seen it!

[titconao3]

how are you getting the best snape art posts??? honestly your tumblr + curation is so good <3

Oh hello!

and thank you <3 unexpected, but welcome!

So, er, methodology, eh? The short version: er, i see some art, i look at OP's tags, find a promising one such as "my art" or "(fandom) art" or "(character) art" and... go through it.

More under the cut, it got long. (Method in the madness or Madness in the method, i'll let you decide!)

Bear in mind that i Tumblr on a computer, using a browser, while using XKit (these days, it's XKit Rewritten): for most of my fandoms i have a pre-made tag bundle, so that's just a quick hover, scroll, and click each time. Well, click-click, one for [fandom] and one for 'fanart.' i draft all the posts then queue them alternating fandoms. All are tagged so that if anyone follows me (not that many people) they can easily filter out stuff they're not into. Once things are queued, they're also liked, so that whenever i see that art (or not art) post again, i know not to reblog it again. i have More Than Enough to queue already ^_^;; (so much more omg)

Most of the time i will reblog OP's own art and not reposts or posts from another website (sometimes it's the own artist's IG art, so that's alright, sometimes it's also from a deleted account.)

If the artist posts little, or lots but i like their posts, or most of what i'm not into i can easily filter out (i only filter tags, at least for now), then i may follow. i keep my dash manageable enough that i don't miss posts.

There are happy surprises because people aren't always systematic with tagging, so along the way i'll find other artists, draft the piece i noticed, and later when i have time i'll do the "go through OP's art stuff" thing. It can get a bit overwhelming when i get back in the drafts folder, if i've been away from home for a while and spent little time on a proper computer or laptop for days.

i also follow a couple of fandomedit tags (not fandom or character tags; that way lies madness and way too much discourse for me, tyvm), but only a small number and in fandoms where there is not a tsunami of new stuff every day.

Basically the clue is that i'm being a little Extra about things ;-) i do try to curb that down, because i've ended many times drafting then queuing all the art from every artist i found in a specific fandom, even when i wasn't in love with all the works, because i felt bad not reblogging them all (no, i'm not neurotic about stuff, why do you ask?). It's even sillier given that my drafts folder is so bloated that of course i haven't reblogged all the art stored there. In some fandoms i try to simply reblog the art i see from folks i follow and otherwise sit on my hands so i don't go down the rabbit hole of 'must check every work from every artist i see in every fandom i'm in.' That way lies madness; my drafts folder is already too unmanageable as it is.

i also am only on Tumblr, not twitgram, instatok, snapbook, or wherever fandom is happening these days. Well, i have a DW, for example, but i don't really go there often beyond posting my fic (sometimes weeks after i posted it on AO3) and managing event accounts (sibling blogs to those on Tumblr). i do use Discord but i vastly prefer one-on-one chats to group chats so i rarely wander into servers. i have to when i'm promoting an event i'm organising so i can do it when the stakes are high ;-) but it does mean that while Tumblr takes a lot of my online life, it's the only social media i spend any time on.

My use of tumblr is very much read/reblog: i don't post personal stuff here either, about myself, my woes, or my writing beyond the occasional 'i wrote this' post, and even that is not systematic. To me, it looks like it's either 1/ people See you and you become a potential target (or at best it becomes a job because if you do become popular, there will be more demands on your time and energy: can you reblog this? what's your opinion on that? etc), or 2/ people ignore you while you're writing stuff on a public platform because you don't want to be ignored, so you'd probably feel bad about it. However, reblogging art/gifsets etc makes the creator happy (well, i hope), so that's good. Although sometimes i see posts on how creators would like to see enthusiastic tags about why rebloggers like their work, but that would be extra work and pressure to say the right thing, so i don't. i still worry about it of course. #lifestyle ;-)

So i don't know if that's what you wanted to hear, but kudos if you got here, because that's quite a chunk of overly-tweaked text for what was probably just a throwaway note... oops?

[paperanddice]

A massive pair of armored boots, standing nearly 15 feet tall, stomps their way through a town. They stand side by side, as though an invisible giant was wearing them, but the tops are sealed over and things seem to pass through the area where the body would be, suggesting that they really are just a pair of boots, anchored together by nothing more than magic. One reels back and delivers a vicious kick through several people, sending bodies flying through the air, while the other crushes a fleeing passer-by. Whenever there's no one attacking them, they focus their attention on the buildings, kicking them to pieces in a vicious display of destruction, crushing smaller objects and punting wagons into splinters. They do not stop until every building has been utterly destroyed.

Eventually the boots are brought down by an elite force, wheeling ballista in to barrage them down from a great distance, barely stopping them before the boots sprint on top of them. Inside, they find living tissue, meat and plant and some that is unknown, mingled together in unrecognizable organs and tissue. Even dead, separating the boots very far from each other is effectively impossible, as though still attached to a massive body. Even teams of horses pulling in opposite directions are unable to drag them apart, the boots always arranged as if being worn by a single creature, impossible to detach until they have been fully dismembered and torn to pieces.

How long until another pair appears?

If you'd prefer, you could make the slaughter boots constructs, though I think that's honestly even sillier than this version. Who builds a big pair of boots on purpose as a construct? This version at least is some horrific, aberrant protrusion into reality, anyone who just builds this over many much more sensible constructs is a joke. Of course, if that's the tone you're going for, enjoy. Originally from the Dreamblade base set. This post came out a week ago on my Patreon. If you want to get access to all my monster conversions early, as well as access to my premade adventures and other material I’m working on, consider backing me there!

5th Edition

Slaughter Boots Huge aberration, unaligned Armor Class 18 (plate) Hit Points 195 (17d12 + 85) Speed 40 ft. Str 24 (+7) Dex 9 (-1) Con 20 (+5) Int 4 (-3) Wis 4 (-3) Cha 4 (-3) Condition Immunities blinded, charmed, deafened, frightened, stunned, unconscious Senses blindsight 120 ft. (blind beyond this radius), tremorsense 90 ft. passive Perception 7 Languages - Challenge 12 (8400 XP) Siege Monster. The slaughter boots deals double damage to objects and structures. Actions Multiattack. The slaughter boots makes two attacks. Kick. Melee Weapon Attack: +11 to hit, reach 10 ft., all targets in a 10 foot cube. Hit: 20 (3d8+7) bludgeoning damage and the target must succeed on a DC 19 Strength saving throw or be pushed 20 feet directly away from the slaughter boots and knocked prone. If a thrown target strikes an object, such as a wall, the target takes 3 (1d6) bludgeoning damage. If the target is thrown at another creature, that creature must succeed on a DC 19 Dexterity saving throw or take the same damage and be knocked prone. Stomp. Melee Weapon Attack: +11 to hit, reach 5 ft., one Medium or smaller target, or one prone creature. Hit: 39 (5d12+7) bludgeoning damage and the target is knocked prone and grappled (escape DC 19). Until the grapple ends, the target is restrained. The grapple ends if the slaughter boots moves. The slaughter boots can grapple two targets in this way, but if it is grappling two creatures it must release one to make a Kick attack.

13th Age

Slaughter Boots  Huge 9th level wrecker [aberration]  Initiative: +11 C: Big Stomping Feet +14 vs. PD (1d3 nearby enemies) - 75 damage. Natural Even Hit: The target pops free from any enemies its engaged with and is thrown to a random nearby location. Natural 20: Instead of dealing double damage, the slaughter boots makes a thrown victim attack against a nearby enemy it didn’t attack with big stomping feet. Natural Odd Hit: The target is grabbed if the slaughter boots isn’t already grabbing a creature. Until the grab ends the target is hampered and weakened. [Special Trigger] C: Thrown Victim +14 vs. PD - 50 damage and the target is dazed (save ends). Demolish: If the slaughter boots starts its turn unengaged it can smash a nearby structure as a quick action, such as kicking a hole in a castle wall or crushing a shed to debris. AC 23 PD 23 MD 18 HP 550

[kira-moonrabbit]

Library Of Blah (is anything but "blah")

as previously stated. i have been playing library of ruina lately, because it is relaxing to me. it is an ideal habitat for brewing nefarious mind-concoctions, especially where blahblahdummy is concerned.

refresher for anyone who has no idea: blahblahdummy is where my lobcorp OCs live. the jumbled up AU version of the City where they live, in short. there is space in it. it's called what it is because, well, say "blahblahdummy" out loud kind of fast. kinda sounds like lobotomy, right? it is not because I think anyone in it is blah or a dummy, its silly wordplay.

of course, i now feel obligated to expound upon the fantastic things everyone in blahblahdummy has been up to. in the form of a jumbled up listy-thing.

it's going to be a really, really long listy-thing, so to spare your dashes here be a readmore. yes, tumblr shortens long posts if you let it, but the humble readmore is just common courtesy for me at this point.

So lemme get the two joke floors out of the way!

because I'll be showing off every floor I've got in Ruina as of this moment. Every floor has a theme to it, however loose it may be. I don't quite have enough OCs to fill the whole floor and have it be organized-feeling (I like things feeling organized) so two floors are silly. plus, it's nice to be silly.

so what's the first joke floor?

Touhou floor! There are enough Touhou-themed keypages on the workshop to fill a whole floor. So that's what Hokma will be dealing with. I hope he likes drinking parties.

And the second floor is even sillier.

I call it: Rollie Pollie Keep On Roland!

Okay, jokes over. Now for what you've all been waiting fooooor~! Or... waiting floor? yes, the way i'll be talking about each floor does correlate a bit to how i actually have them set up, but not always. also won't be talking about the sephirah because we all know em, we all love em.

History~! Floor Theme: breakfast family and guest. this theme has never deviated, ever, from day one. who the "guest" is changes from playthrough to playthrough, but this time it is The Pebbermalk. i miss you every day, malkuth-drinks-dr-pepper.

the team's gameplan when fighting is usually overwhelming with burning attacks, as is standard in history. however, prof, in lieu of such attacks, prefers to act as support. she can't really use Burn without overheating. you don't want to see an overheating Prof.

ad prefers to get up close and personal. she really only goes "attack! attack! attaaaaaaack!!! RARGH!" at things. she isn't good with packing heavy swings, though. She also leaves herself wide open a lot, especially when she's trying to keep the heat off Eggs. she's always got one eye on the enemy, one eye on Eggs. Ad is admittedly pretty stoked that she can protect Eggs just as he protected her when she was little.

eggs has gotten meltier with time, hence the weird way he looks. was trying to go for a "overtaken by void" look. anyhoo, eggs lacks finesse, though he at least tries unlike Ad. the two make a pretty good duo, being the bigger damage dealers. Eggs gets scared pretty easily though, especially if Ad can't cover for him or vice versa. His head is muddled these days, and he loses focus more easily than he did back in the day... he doesn't like to fight much, so whenever he can, he sits out.

as stated, Prof doesn't use heated weapons. she's usually the one calling out enemy intents, and rallying formation and all. she also uses Library magic to fill her exhaust vents with Smoke to soften up targets the usual approach doesn't work with. she kind of needs to keep venting out heat in a floor with so much of it, so why not weaponize it?

when they aren't bashing skulls in or sorting books, everyone is usually running off to other floors to gather tips. except Ad. Ad just hangs out. she doesn't need any knowledge. she's got a hammer! or her fists. depends on the day.

Prof of course gets mad when someone Staggers her kids, but she gets a lot angrier when it's Eggs. Well, more visibly angry, anyway. Because Eggs is more sensitive to such things than Ad is.

Technology~! This floor's theme is Denny, Ayehop, And Guests. Again, the guests usually change, and the theme has been around since Day 1. For some reason Terrence usually shows up here, though.

I haven't actually messed around with Yesod's floor much outside of realizations yet, so I don't have a big idea on how they operate yet.

Denny usually packs most of the big smacks, though. she's the only one with enough arm strength to make a big enough impact to where her attacks trigger Forsaken Murderer's boons.

It's surprisngly Ayehop who's the biggest technician of the floor. She may be silly with it, but she's good at coordinating everyone. She can be scary when she's focused, and likes complex tactics. And no, she doesn't argue with Denny about force VS finesse. There are better arguments for them to get into. Like which type of Offensive dice is the best. Ayehop thinks it's Evade, and no points for guessing Denny's.

Justin fucking hates his job. He doesn't like carelessly taking lives. And he ESPECIALLY doesn't like how Ayehop and Denny gamify it. He'll follow orders Ayehop gives because he sees results, but he'll be cursing under his breath and calling her names the entire time.

Terrence... is... um, he's Terrence alright. He spends more time thinking of lines than practicing fighting and it shows. It's not that he's bad at it, or that he half-asses it, but it's pretty easy to get him to drop his guard. At least he's learned his lesson about Whitenight, though. Maybe that's why he's putting in so much effort...

Ayehop always makes it a point to gather everyone up after a fight and give out one compliment each. "Sis, great work as always, you got them to drop their guard at just the right time! Mister Yesod, good focus out there! Justin, you were real fast, and always where we needed you most, when we needed you most! Terrence, that line about the gates of heaven always being open was dope."

Justin isn't allowed to use the Abnormality pages Funeral Of The Dead Butterflies gives out. He gets scary.

Yes, Ayehop says "OBJECTION!" when letting out a huge attack. And "HOLD IT!" when intercepting. She has my autism specifically and im very proud of her for it.

Literature~! Floor's theme: the primary trio and Kelly. Those Three Guys And That One Girl. Another mainstay.

Hod is the sponge, and Butter is the main killing machine. Tony keeps the heat off of Butter when he inevitably takes a few scrapes, and Dizzy inhibits enemy movement to make Hod's interceptions and Butter's rampages easier. Kelly is the spotter, of sorts, calling out enemy movement and tactics.

We all know what Butter likes: violence. He still doesn't really like to see people get hurt, but he can reassure himself that the Guests will be able to come back like he can one day. At the end of the day, he gets a chance to let loose. And let loose he does. Invariably, Butter is attached to Bamboo-Hatted Kim's keypage and the Axe abnormality page. You try to take either of those things away from him, and he'll.......get really mopey and probably bitch about it for a couple hours.

Tony, Tony, Tony... He's glad he can finally take off the Whitenight suit. Yes, he's wearing it in the screenshot, but that's just because it's his iconic look. He's a bit of a worrywart, though. After fights, Tony is always panicking, asking if everyone's OK and getting painkillers. In the actual fights, though, he's quite the trash-talker. He might actually enjoy it more than Butter... anger issues do that.

Dizzy is as graceful on their feet as they are with a pen. They're eerily silent when they're fighting, and sometimes for a little bit after. They admit it's a case-by-case basis of either being intensely focused, or just not wanting to fall prey to people hearing their voice and not taking them seriously like how it was in Lobcorp.

When fighting, Kelly tends to forget her manners. Sure, she's always pretty brusque, but she gets way worse on the field. Every word she says has to be just right. Breath used to apologize could be used to warn about an incoming attack. She doesn't always smooth things over after, either, unless an argument breaks out or her attitude made things worse.

Oh god the book clubs these guys hold. Everyone wants to read something different. Butter just wants to read comic books, Tony wants to read classic lit, Dizzy wants poetry, and Kelly just wants everyone to decide already.

Art is Team Little Guys! Xavier and Amber are the OCs of a friend of mine who prefers to keep a low Tumblr profile (the ever famous EC, if that's a familiar name), so they'll be mostly skipped. Just know that, if you know, you know, and yes there are lots of glitterbombs on this floor.

Piercing attacks are the name of the game, as is always typical. Nobody here knows how to play defensively. Netzach tries to teach them, but the closest he's ever gotten to getting through to Team Art is that they... kind of try not to get too reckless with it.

Mintie is the biggest example of someone who has no idea what "careful" means. They are a living example of "unga bunga." Through their trash talk and extremely reckless actions, though, they really just wanna keep the rest of the floor from getting hurt. There's two little guys here, after all.

Opal here has never been seen before, so let me provide a little background for them! They're a member of an Office called Corkscrew Office which specializes in slow infiltration. They're very good friends with Xavier. They're also another one of the lauded Void Experiments, like Eggs and Voice and whoever else. Luckily they get Rescued before any trauma can happen! And yep, they're rocking fox ears. You'd think there would be more fox ear hairstyles around the workshop, but no, this is the best one i could find...

As for how Opal fits into the floor, they're... well, they look to everyone else for what to do. They're really not good at this at all so they try and copy whatever someone else is doing at any given time. It rarely works out. Corkscrew was a stealth Office, dammit!!!

Natural Sciences! Here There Be Buny. (And Sammy. He's just happy to be here.) Lux is an OC belonging to that same friend of mine who keeps a low Tumblr profile, so again he'll be skipped. Just know he's buny.

Usually Ari goes in General Works, but I was suggested one floor be a bunch of Patrons and there are plenty of unique-looking Rolands on the workshop, so here they go.

I have no idea how to describe the things Nat Sci does. They're a real motley bunch, but they make it work.

Ari is the real heart of the group. The glue! Just don't ask them to give everyone training. Not that they're bad at it. They will, however, go get their exercise CD and enforce a dance routine in order to practice being in sync. "Remember, it's not about the dancing! It's about learning to read each other's moves without having to look at each other! It's OK if you look sloppy so long as you keep the beat and match what everyone else is doing!"

Sammy's not used to being unable to shapeshift as freely as he used to be. He's also not used to his resting form being humanoid. But he's very happy about getting to hang out with Ari regularly again. In Lobcorp they were in different layers, and before then they hadn't seen each other in 5 years.

Marmalade did not expect to be roped into the Library. She was just at Lobcorp to retrieve Ari safely. She didn't even expect to be in Lobcorp for as long as she did. But she's cool with it, she just has RBF. She also works the hardest when Ari gives out impromptu homework. She also has the most fun, both in battle and during training sessions. Again, though, RBF. And a monotone.

Ari hates Burn decks. Lux uses a Burn deck. They have complicated feelings about this.

Where is Language? The "Dead Branch!" AKA, the suckers at the Lobcorp branch I've got that isn't Blahblahdummy. I haven't picked up Lobcorp itself in ages because it's stressy and also it's kinda bugged for me until I update this one mod I use, but I have enough nugs to fill the floor out.

I also don't really mess with Gebura's floor a lot... Although mostly it's because I haven't really beaten the Red Mist reception yet in this go-around. Hence, the missing member. I dunno which Dead Branch member I'll put there. Probably Asparagus from good ol' Silly Lobcorp OC Ideas. That one lives on in my heart as well.

Salem has to get used to such frequent combat. It's less that she's opposed to it, and more that she has no idea how to fight with her own strength and strategy instead of the power of EGO and orders from a manager. She hounds the other Floors for training a lot... but she doesn't feel like she's retaining much!

Midoriko is confident in herself, but, well, shares Salem's sentiment of being used to the EGO doing the fighting. She tends to hang back and take potshots at stragglers instead of going up ahead and taking the lead like everyone else does. She hopes that nobody notices. Everyone has, but only Gebura has said anything about it.

Good ol' Nuclear Power Plant is surprisingly taking this pretty well. She has a tendency to coach Midoriko and Salem in the middle of a reception, which ticks Gebura off a little bit because "Hey? Annoucning our strategy to the enemy?"

Nobody knows how the Dead Branch got here. They just kinda... showed up. Nobody is complaining, though. "We're in this together!"

We've got a special group here in Social Sciences! We've got 3 Void Experiments who I've been bouncing around in my head for a while but never mentioned at all until now. The gears are always turning here in Kira's Brain Productions.

Unfortunately, explaining how they do in the floor would require explaining them all entirely, and I'm losing steam and the temperature is getting to me, so we'll have to pass them up for now. Maybe if I get reminded I can talk about them in more detail later, but for now just know they exist and they're all friends.

Speaking of "they exist," here's Philosophy with... people who sure do exist! The floor theme here is "new arrivals;" people who just showed up out of nowhere like Roland did. I threw all of them together just using random Workshop stuff I had lying around.

Deca has some lore to him (he had the good luck of existing, albeit designless, before the playthrough), but that's it. The other two thus far are brand new inventions. And since they're in Philosophy, they haven't seen much fight yet, so I haven't made them banter with each other in my head yet. So they just kinda have no personality for now. Deca aside. Deca is a mess. He's great. He's doing so normal.

We'll see if Team New Arrivals makes an impact.

and that's all I've got! Ask questions if you feel like it. If you don't remember any Blahblahdummy, or don't know it at all because you never followed my lobcorp OC sideblog, all's fair questions.

phew!

[moved-please-leave-me-alone]

Me: it’s actually extremely sad that whilst object shows are such a diverse genre, and the OSC has so many good shows readily available to the public, for free on YouTube even, 90% of the community only watches ii, bfdi, and One, and while there’s nothing bad about these shows and they’re popular for good reason, it’s very sad because of how many good shows people are missing out on. For instance The Nightly Manor and Sacriverse are both really good more serious object shows, breaking the general formula, and Paper Puppets Take 2 is a perfect sillier show that gets more depressing as the show goes on. If you’re willing to get a bit more obscure, then titletext[], I.O.N., Extraordinarily Excellent Entities, The Historical And Nice Object Show, and even Object comics like The Acronym of Tomorrow are all amazing object shows that deserve recognition that they’d probably get if it wasn’t for the community only consuming the same 3 shows

Unsold package of spaghetti O’s in my local Target: why does nobody want me