#this is actually the most frustrating edit i've ever made

[lovsagains]

if i loved you less, i might be able to talk about it more :  eunbi yu & jangmi lee  in playlist form  ! press play !  

crush on you by  soul fro and dum di dum  , would you be so kind by  dodie  , pov by  ariana grande  , softly by  clairo  , almost ( sweet music ) by  hozier  , see you again by  hannah montana  , 0X1=LOVESONG ( i know i love you ) by  tomorrow x together  , sparks fly by  taylor swift  , she by  dodie  ,  share your address by  ben platt  , sleepover by  hayely kiyoko  , the romantic by  lauryn marie  , bambi by  baekhyun  , bloom by  the paper kites  ,  can't blame a girl for trying by  sabrina carpenter  , st. clarity by  the paper kites  , receipts by  serpentwithfeet and ty dolla sign  , if you ever want to be in love by  james bay , paint me naked by  ten  ,  sunlight by  hozier  , lover by  taylor swift  , girls like girls by  hayley kiyoko  , crush culture by  conan gray

[catmiemy]

Another Chance to Live Part 1 (Ana Maria Crnogorčević x Reader)

Summary: Ana and you are both struggling with unwanted transfers, but maybe you can at least find happiness off the pitch.

A/N: This is the first part of a story I've been working on for a while. I guess my way of processing my emotions about Ana's transfer. I've been in the denial stage for a long time 😅

The next two chapters are already written (just need to edit them) and so far it's a total of about 13k words. I'm now at a crossroad which will decide how long the story becomes. So I thought I'd publish the first part and see how much interest there is in a story like this to help me decide.

It felt like a cruel joke of the universe that now, now when you had been forced to leave, the woman you’ve had a crush on for years, joined your team, or well your former team. Words that made your heart crack a little more every time you thought them. Never in a billion years had you expected your team to become your former team.

Ever since you had first laid eyes on Ana you had been dazzled by her, not necessarily only by her looks, although you definitely enjoyed them, but also by her personality and her aura. She always radiated so much kindness and positive energy. It was impossible not to be drawn to her.

Sadly your paths didn’t cross all too often and when they did, Ana was always somewhere in the heart of whatever group you were part of, while you were lingering on the edges, looking in. So the Swiss woman was probably only vaguely aware of your existence, while you soaked up every detail you could find about Ana. The more you learnt, the more you liked her.

 And yes, sometimes when you lay in bed at night you made up little scenarios how the two of you would meet. One of your favorite ones was Ana coming to Atleti, not really knowing her way around Madrid yet, so you take her under your wing and show her everything. And of course she starts falling for you as you spend so much time together. It was your imagination after all, so you could day dream all you wanted.

Now part of this little fantasy was actually coming true, Ana really was joining Atlético, and it frustrated you to no end that now that she came, you were gone.  Although perhaps it wasn’t the universe being cruel towards you, maybe it was protecting you because even if you played for the same team there was no way the Swiss woman would ever go for someone like you.

Still, you spent a good amount of time fuming about it in your apartment. Possibly also because it was easier to focus on that rather than on the fact that your childhood club had just dropped you like you meant nothing.  Every time you remembered the conversation with the club’s managers you felt like throwing up, hiding under the covers for the rest of your life, and ripping off your ears so you didn’t have to listen to one more word from them. So yeah, it was comforting in a weird way to think about your missed chance with Ana, especially since it never had been much of a chance anyway.

It was harder to hold on to that strange comfort when training actually started and you had to go to Real Madrid’s training center every day. Most days were spent attempting to do your best and keep your negative emotions in check, while thinking nonstop about how much you hated this, how much you wanted to return to Atelti, how much you wanted to leave Madrid altogether.

So all in all you weren’t having the best time, barely getting by was actually a more accurate way to describe it. Then a few weeks after the season started you got a call from Lola.

“Sooo I heard you’re doing a lot of moping these days,” she teased you.

However there was an underlying note of worry in her voice. You had done your best to pretend as if Atleti’s decision hadn’t hurt you, that these things happen in football, and you were completely fine with it, but Lola had seen right through it.

“I’m not moping, I’m just quiet and focused like usual,” you quickly defended yourself. It was only partially true, you hated every single second you spent at the training center of Real Madrid.

“That’s not what I’ve heard, but how about you convince me over a cup of coffee. Maybe tomorrow afternoon?”

You didn’t even question how Lola knew that you had the day off tomorrow, apparently she had some spies at Real. As much as you didn’t want to continue talking about the misery that was your new club, you did want to see your friend, so you agreed.

“I might ask some other people if they want to tag along. Everyone misses you,” Lola continued, making you happy and sad at the same time. It was nice to be missed, but you wished you weren’t in a position where you could be missed.

Before you could hang up, Lola told you to bring “your moping buddy Misa”, then she ended the call with a cackle, not giving you any chance to retaliate. In all honesty there was some truth to it, both you and Misa were unhappy at Real, so it wasn’t surprising that she was the only person you had really bonded with so far.

Going by Lola’s words you expected a big group the next day when you entered the café you had agreed upon. What you found however were merely three people, Lola, Misa and no one other than Ana.

Suddenly your stomach was filled with butterflies flapping their wings wildly, making you somewhat nauseous as a result. You hadn’t expected this and you weren’t prepared for it at all. If it wouldn’t have been incredibly rude you would have walked right back out of the café.

Instead you walked over to the small group, doing your best impression of a friendly smile. You could have sworn you saw a knowing glint in both Misa’s and Lola’s eyes. There was no way they knew about your crush though, right?

Lola jumped up when she saw you, hugging you tightly. “It’s good to see you, chica, I’ve missed you,” she told you.

You had to blink a couple of times to chase away the tears burning in your eyes. There was no denying that you had missed her too, all of your former teammates really. You longed to be back at Atlético, and not only because Ana was there.

Right, Ana.

You extracted yourself from your friend and smiled at the blonde. Should you hug her as well? Or greet her with kisses on the cheeks? That’s exactly why you should have been informed that Ana would be there, so that you could think this over beforehand. Or, well, over think it.

Unlike you Ana knew exactly what to do; she got up, greeted you kindly and gave you a quick hug. “It’s nice to see you again, Y/N. We’ve never had much of a chance to talk, so I’m glad we get one now.”

For a few seconds too long you started at her. You were torn between awe, and a little bit of envy, at how easily the Swiss woman had navigated this greeting, and shock. She remembered you? She was happy to see you? Once your heart slowed down from a wild canter to a moderate gallop and your brain was working more clearly again, you realized that this was probably just something Ana had said to make the situation less awkward, not something she truly meant.

“So, do you want to sit down?” Lola suggested with a smirk on her face. Thankfully she left it at that though and you quickly sank down into a chair. You felt too embarrassed to look at Ana, so you completely missed the reassuring smile she sent your way.

After that things went much more smoothly, mostly because Lola and Ana carried the conversation, allowing you and Misa to remain in your preferred role, attentive listener. Your former teammate as well as your crush tried valiantly to draw you out of your shell, but out of fear of saying something stupid, you kept your answers as short as possible without being weird or unfriendly. If only you could think of something witty to say!

On the bright side your relative quietness gave you a good opportunity to study Ana. She was stunning as always, but you could easily spot the signs of the toll this move to the Atlético had taken on her; her smile wasn’t quite as wide as usual and didn’t reach her eyes, her voice was a little duller, there were badly covered up dark bags underneath her eyes and she was a bit more subdued than normal  in general. Man, you really had spent way too long looking at any video of her you could find to notice things like that!

Then all of the sudden Misa let out a gasp. “I completely forgot I promised my neighbor I’d let in her daughter today. I need to leave right now to make it.”

You frowned at your teammate; it wasn’t like her to forget something as important as that. Was something more than her unhappiness with being stuck at Real bothering her? You made a mental note to ask Misa about it the next day, remind her that you were always there if she needed someone.

Misa’s departure didn’t really change anything in the dynamic, she hadn’t contributed much just like you. But then Lola got a phone call from her girlfriend who apparently needed your former teammate urgently. She looked at the two of you apologetically, however you could swear that there was some glee shimmering behind her regretful front.

“You girls should stay here and enjoy the rest of the afternoon. Really I’m so sorry about this, don’t let it ruin your day,” Lola babbled, pressing a kiss to both your and Ana’s cheek before dashing out of the café.

You looked after her with confusion. The confusion however was short-lived, quickly drowned out by panic once you realized that you were now left alone with Ana. No more hiding behind other people, no more safety net. You weren’t ready. However leaving also wasn’t an option, there was no way you could do so without offending Ana, so you had to pull yourself together.

“I’m sorry about that,” Ana apologized, bringing your confusion back. As far as you were aware the Swiss woman had absolutely nothing to apologize for.

“They probably planned this because they think I need to be more social again. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jenni put them up to it, she’s been pretty worried,” the Swiss woman specified, leaving you reeling because you didn’t know how to deal with that much honesty.

“Oh,” you replied, praying that some more words would enter your brain. “Maybe they also did it for me. They think I’m pretty antisocial in general,” you finished, kicking yourself for making yourself look even more pathetic than you already did.

To your surprise Ana didn’t seem put off; on the contrary she chuckled and said, “Well we can be antisocial together then.”

The Swiss woman using the word ‘together’ in reference to the both of you made you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, you could definitely get used to that.

In an attempt to take control of the situation and not end up blurting out something stupid if Ana asked you a question, you inquired how she was liking Madrid so far. It seemed like a normal thing to ask someone that had just moved to a new place.

However the Swiss woman didn’t answer right away, which was atypical for her who always seemed to have a reply ready. That combined with the guarded look in her eyes made you realize that this wasn’t a safe and easy topic for her. In your rush to make sure nothing that would be complicated for you came up, you had totally forgotten that Ana’s own move to Madrid had been anything but a happy occurence. Way to be selfish!

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Forget I said anything, that was such a stupid thing to say,” you apologized frantically

“No, don’t worry, it’s fine,” Ana quickly reassured you. “I just don’t really know what to say. Obviously I didn’t want to come here, I miss Barcelona. Both the city and the team. So I’m not having the best time to be completely honest. Then again I also haven’t given Madrid much of a chance yet. So…”

The Swiss woman’s openness left you stunned once again. This could never be you, sharing your thoughts and feelings so freely. At the same time you noticed with a surge of excitement and dread that Ana’s explanation gave you a good opening, not unlike your daydreams in fact.

Your fear of being annoying and overstepping was battling hard against your longing to get to spend more time with the blonde in the future. In the end you decided to go for it, maybe Ana would appreciate it and if she didn’t want to hang out again, she could just say so. Of course there was still the fear of rejection holding you back, but you shoved that to the back of your mind. If you didn’t ask the answer would always be no, right?

“If you want to I could show you around Madrid sometime. I’ve lived here all my life so I know the place like the back of my hand and know some nice places. Totally fine if you don’t of course, I’m sure there are many other people that could show you around.”

You spoke in record speed, making it hard for Ana to follow, which was why it took her a moment to answer. These few seconds were some of the most horrible ones in your life. If she said no now all your hopes would be shattered once and for all. Everyone always said it was important to know so you could move on, but honestly if the Swiss woman didn’t want to spend any time with you, you didn’t want to know.

“That sounds great, I’d love to,” Ana replied once she had enough time to process your jumble of words.

“Really?” You double checked, the words out of your mouth before you could stop yourself.

“Yeah, definitely,” the Swiss woman confirmed with a gentle smile. A smile that you returned happily. You hadn’t felt this excited in a while, it was a nice change from the bleakness that had become your constant companion.

The rest of your time together was spent chatting easily. You weren’t a great conversationalist, however with Ana it came much more natural. The blonde definitely did the heavy lifting, but you were happy with your own contributions. You even made her laugh a few times!

Later that day when you were back in your apartment you were much more critical, taking apart every single thing that you had said and coming to the conclusion that you must be the stupidest person on the planet. Thankfully you were going to get another chance in a few days and this time you would be better prepared. You would say interesting things and you would make sure Ana had a great time. The blonde deserved some joy and happiness and you would do your best to give her that.

Before your next meeting with Ana you actually made a plan; you would make a list of her interests and think of possible questions, some jokes and interesting facts you could mention. You spent one evening on it, working furiously and then you realized what you were doing, feeling very foolish all of the sudden. You scrunched up the piece of paper and threw it into the trash with some force.

This was pointless and unnecessary and totally embarrassing! Maybe you weren’t the best at coming up with things to say on the spot, but rehearsing everything like this was a role in a play was stupid. The urge to do absolutely everything to get Ana to like you was huge, however is she only liked this carefully crafted version of you that wasn’t any better than her not liking you at all.

Also, you shouldn’t even attempt to get the Swiss woman to like you. Just like you should keep your own crush in check. Ana’s life was complicated enough at the moment, you didn’t need to add your infatuation into the mix.

Unfortunately your noble plan to ignore your crush failed miserably. Whenever you spent time with Ana you fell a little more for her. It was simply impossible not to when she was the kindest, funniest, most interesting and on top of that most beautiful person in the world.

Like when you were out and about on one of your strolls to the city and a young couple approached you, asking if you could take a picture of them. As was typical for you, you hesitated for a moment; not necessarily because you didn’t want to, but because your mind was already working in overdrive, supplying you with every possible negative outcome.

Ana on the other hand smiled at them. “Of course! Where do you want to take it?”

And then she proceeded to take several pictures of the two, showing them to the couple, and when they weren’t completely satisfied yet, she even offered her own suggestions on how they might turn out even better.

All the way you were just watching them, well mostly Ana, with a goofy smile. You loved how much she cared, how much effort she put into random people she didn’t even know. No wait, you didn’t love that, you liked that, admired it.

Or when Ana convinced you to go into a tiny café. A place you would have never frequented on your own because the intimacy of it freaked you out. Not the blonde though. Within seconds she began chatting with the owner, a middle-aged woman who was thrilled someone showed so much interest in her small establishment.

The cake you got was very tasty as was the coffee and the homemade ice tea. You were quick to admit that Ana had made a good decision by forcing you to go there.

However what really pulled at your heartstring was that the Swiss woman went up to the owner afterwards and asked if it was okay to post about this place on Instagram. The poor woman almost started crying out of happiness and thanked Ana profusely, while the blonde kept insisting that this was nothing and really it should be her thanking the owner.

So it was safe to say that you fell deeper and harder every time you saw Ana. But it was okay, you had a foolproof way to make sure that the blonde didn’t figure it out and therefore her life didn’t get disrupted because of you. Whenever you echoed a statement Ana had made about how much she liked hanging out with you or that she thought you were a great person, you always added ‘friend’ into the mix; “I enjoy hanging out with you too, you’re such a great friend.” and “Aw thank you. You’re one of the best people and friends I know too!”

Sometimes when you were feeling particularly hopeful you wondered if the lack of specification on Ana’s part meant that she liked you as more than a friend. You always discarded the idea quickly though. It was much more likely that the thought of being more than friends was so ludicrous to the blonde, something that had probbly never even grazed her mind, that she didn’t feel the need to explicitly state it.

Despite having to resign yourself to the fact that Ana didn’t like you like that, it still made you happy that she was usually in a good mood when you were hanging out. Something you were secretly very proud of. Still every once in a while her sadness shined through, for example when she heard someone speak Catalan or when she saw something that reminded her of Barcelona.

One time a group of fans came up to her. They were friendly and excited and the Swiss woman matched their energy effortlessly. But then one of them mentioned how sad they were that Ana wasn’t playing for Barça anymore. You were forced to watch the blonde deflate slightly after that thoughtless statement. She was good at pretending though, so the fans were none the wiser.

When they were gone you gathered all of your courage. Up until now you had stayed in the shallows of easy conversation so this was a first and once again you worried about overstepping. But when you saw Ana’s sad eyes and the forcefully pulled up corners of her mouth, you couldn’t stay silent.

“Do you want to talk about it? I mean your transfer from Barça? I know we haven’t really talked about that or othe serious things yet, but I’m always happy to listen. I’m actually pretty good at that.”

The Swiss woman sighed, rubbing a hand over her face.

“That’s very sweet but honestly I’ve been talking so much about it lately. Sometimes it feels like it’s the only thing anyone wants to talk about anymore. So if it’s okay with you could we just continue like before? The distraction has been helping a lot.”

You had been helping! Happiness flowed through you and your smile was maybe a bit bigger than was warranted for a situation like this. However unless Ana was studying you as intently as you always studied her, you doubted that the blonde would notice.

“Yeah, of course. I’m happy to help in anyway.”

Ana and you kept seeing each other regularly and it was the undisputed highlight of your current life. Honestly it was a little worrying how few other things brought you any joy, but you didn’t allow yourself to dwell on that.

So when you were put into a situation where you had to cancel on Ana you were devastated. It wasn’t an appropriate reaction to something so small, but you had a ten minute crying session until you could even begin to function properly again. Calling the Swiss woman was out of the question though, you were still chocked up and sniffling.

Instead you texted her, apologizing multiple times and explaining that you were roped into doing all sorts of things last minute for your father’s birthday tomorrow. You could have slapped yourself for not seeing this coming. Sure, your parents had assured you time and time again that everything was taken care of, but you should have known better. Then you could have done it before today and weren’t forced to cancel on Ana.

Only minutes after you had sent the text your phone started ringing with a call from the Swiss woman. With wide, panicked eyes you stared at the screen. In the end your desire to at least hear Ana’s voice if you couldn’t see her won out. Hopefully she wouldn’t notice anything.

 „Hey I just saw your text and wanted to ask if I can help out with anything.”

You smiled at your phone, your heart warmed by Ana’s kindness. There was no doubt in your mind that she would actually follow through on your offer. Not that you would ever take it.

“Aw thank you so much, Ana! But it’s okay really. Most things I have to do at my parents place anyway. You know help them clean and decorate. So I’ll be out most of the day, and then in the evening I’ll have to bake the cake. Who knows how that’s going to go.”

You chuckled, even if you were feeling slightly panicked at the idea of baking. Normally your mother was in charge of that, but she had broken her arm a few weeks ago, so that was out of the question. Moments like this made you wish that you had some siblings or some cousins for that matter, just anyone to help you out.

“Not to brag, but I’m actually a great baker. So if you want some help, I’m happy to come over in the evening and help,” the blonde offered.

It would be nice to have some help, and you always wanted to see Ana. Plus she had brought up the idea of her own accord, so surely it was okay, right?

“That would be great actually. Thank you so much,” you replied, not giving your mind any more opportunity to drive yourself crazy.

Ana and you quickly planned everything out before you hung up and left to do everything else. With the prospect of seeing the Swiss woman later today you were a lot more cheerful than before.

“What’s got you so happy?” Your mother asked you while she supervised the decorating process.

It was incredibly frustrating since she kept criticizing everything you did. Every few minutes you had to step away for a moment, take some deep breaths and visualize how your evening with Ana would be, full of laughter and fun conversation.

“Not this, that’s for sure,” you muttered, low enough so that your mothers whose hearing wasn’t the best anymore, couldn’t here you.

“What?”

“Nothing,” you said louder, “I’m just in a good mood, I guess.”

There was no point in bringing up Ana. Nothing would ever happen between the two of you and even after knowing about it for almost ten years your parents still struggled with your sexuality. To avoid unnecessary conflict and awkwardness you never spoke about women you liked unless it was something serious. So never.

“You should focus on decorating and not smile so much. Maybe then we would get somewhere.”

You rolled your eyes, but kept your mouth shut. No point in pointing out that most parents would be happy if their child was happy. And it wasn’t like your mother wasn’t happy about it, she just wasn’t good at being pleasant around you. Somehow she always felt the need to criticize you.

Hours later you got into your car, quickly drove away and as soon as you were a decent distance from your parents’ house you let out a loud scream, releasing all of the built up frustration. Then you set your focus on the near future, on the fact that you would be meeting Ana in half an hour at your apartment. Baking wasn’t really your thing, but baking with the Swiss sounded like a lot of fun. Anything was fun with her really; just being around her made you so happy.

When you got to your apartment Ana was already waiting for you, leaning against her car. A big smile appeared on the blonde’s face when she saw you and she waved at you happily. It warmed your insides, swept away any remnant of frustration from the long day with your parents, seeing how excited Ana was to see you.

You got set up quickly, putting out all the ingredients and opening up the recipe you had settled on. Then you turned to the Swiss woman expectantly.

“So any baking pro tips from you before we start?” You asked teasingly.

Ana looked at you sheepishly.

“To be completely honest I don’t really know that much about baking. I usually only bake once a year to make some Christmas cookie,” the blonde admitted, scratching her nose.

You frowned at her in confusion. This didn’t really make any sense to you, but you didn’t want to make Ana feel bad about it.

“So why did you say you did?” You asked carefully. „I mean only if you want to tell me, it’s totally fine if you don’t. I’m sure you had your reasons.”

The Swiss woman blushed a little as she explained herself, “I really just wanted to spend some time with you today.”

Your heart started racing at this confession, your hopes going through the roof.  It didn’t take long for the logical part of your brain to bring you back to earth though. Surely this didn’t mean what you wanted it to mean. Most likely Ana was just struggling today and didn’t want to be alone.

“Oh I’m sorry you’re having a hard time today. You know you can always tell me that and if it’s possible at all I’ll always make time for you. You don’t have to make up reasons to hang out.”

Ana stared at you with a pained expression. It hurt your heart to see her in pain and it made you wonder if something had happened today, perhaps something that reminded her of Barcelona?

“Do you want to talk about it?” You asked when the blonde stayed quiet, but then you thought better of it. “Wait no I’m sorry, you already said that you’re tired of talking about it before and that you prefer a distraction. So let’s bake!”

You put some extra excitement into your voice and made sure to keep up a stream of easy chatter as you got to work. For a while Ana remained a bit distant and quiet, but before too long her smile returned and she began talking and joking.

When the blonde laughed loudly at a joke you had made you felt very proud of yourself for giving Ana what she needed, a distraction. If you continued to be helpful she would keep wanting to hang out with you and that was also very much in your interest. Even if the knowledge that it meant something else to you hurt somewhat every time you thought of it.

However it was all worth it to get to spend time with Ana. Everything was worth that.

[chaos-and-sparkles]

All the outrage about "chai" as Pav's ship abbreviation was fucking stupid

Ok so. I may be late to this discourse but by gods am I going to put this out there anyway bc this shit has been FRUSTRATING me for a while okay.

USING 'CHAI' AS AN ABBREVIATION FOR PAVITR IN SHIP NAMES IS NOT FUCKING PROBLEMATIC OR STEROTYPING OR WHATEVER DUMB SHIT I'VE SEEN (mostly non-Indian)PEOPLE SCREAMING ABOUT OUT HERE ON MY DASH. GO TOUCH SOME GRASS, Y'ALL, FIND BETTER PROBLEMS IF YOU'RE SO PRESSED TO BE MAD ABT SOMETHING!!

I'm Indian and I am so so sick and tired of, from what I can tell, mostly white people getting mad about Pav's ship abbreviation being chai??

No no. Go on. Find me my fellow Indians spearheading the conversation about 'chai' being a problematic name. Show me where the droves of offended desis are. And I don't mean just a few Indians agreeing with the "chai is stereotypical" thing while non-Indians lead the conversation, I mean the Indians being the majority of the conversation. Since, you know, that's how it would and should be if it's actually such an offensive deal to Indians, right? We all have social media. It's not like we're waiting to be spoken for. Surely there should be at least as many, if not more, offended Indians about the chai thing as I've seen white people on here. I'll wait.

Obviously I don't speak for all Indian people, I'm just one person, but from what I've seen and what I can tell, there don't seem to be any actual Indian people getting offended or claiming his name being 'chai' is Bad and Evil and Offensive and Stereotyping?? All I see are non-Indian people getting so damn offended on our behalf???

I loved his ship name being chai. I loved the representation. I loved the desi tadka, I remember when I exited the theater after ATSV and scoured through my social media and saw "chaipunk" and "chaiflower" and everything with chai going around. I was so fucking elated to see an ethnic word being used in the tagosphere!! It made my Indian heart so happy to see an Indian character who is so so close to my heart be represented with an Indian cultural word.

But nooooooo apparently we can't have nice things, because people just had to white knight about it. Apparently it is harmful and stereotypical to be using chai as his ship name.

Clearly, we gotta change it to golden. Or something similarly English and white-sounding and you know, inoffensive.

So, because I want to nitpick all the arguments I've heard as to why using "chai" is bad, let's go point-by-point:

It's reductive, you're describing a character by just one thing - yes well noted, that's literally what ship names are for. They are shorthand for characters to remember them by, they're supposed to be memorable one-liners to go by for them. It doesn't "reduce their whole personality to one bit" or "define them" or whatever - by that logic, is Miles' entire personality "flower", or Hobie's entire personality "punk"?? Gwen's just a "ghost" then, huh?? The whole POINT of a ship abbreviation is to be short and memorable. And chai is a whole fucking lot more memorable than "golden" or "shine" or whatever - those alternatives aren't even based in canon?? They are just purely fanon interpretations. Meanwhile chai is actually based in canon and a really memorable line from it too. I've had friends who were so confused as to who the golden abbreviation is for and then asking me how it's related to Pav when they browsed through the tags, but whenever they heard "chaipunk" and stuff they got it without me having to explain shit. Also, y'all are reading the Indian reaction to the chai-tea thing very wrong if you think we are offended by chai being a memorable bit about him - we are literally the ones most hyped about the chai-tea thing? You have no idea how loud the Indian theaters cheered at that line and how many Indian-made edits have been circulating. Again, with the caveat that I speak for my experienced social circle and not every Indian to ever exist, WE LOVE THE CHAI THING. It is a really lovable and memorable bit to us - one that has endeared his character to so many of us so quickly! So I have no idea where the idea that we're offended by the chai-tea line being memorable came from, but y'all really need to go out and talk to some desis before speaking and getting mad for us.

It's stereotypical - Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't realize an Indian character named with an Indian ethnic word about an Indian cultural drink is stereotyping, now. Just say you felt called out by the chai tea bit or got tired of how much people were talking about it or didn't like having to learn and use an ethnic word and be done with it. Now, to be completely fair, this is the point in the argument that holds the most water. I have seen a lot of fanart and fanfic in the very early days of ATSV fan content, quite far down the tag at this point, that reduced Pav's entire personality to chai, just made him the tea guy, made him so chai obsessed it was quite OOC and annoying and yes it did feel pretty stereotypical. That kind of thing is extra obvious in some NSFW arts I've seen around, that really give me the ick because that is not necessary, that is actually just weird and smells a little like fetishizing. But long story short, yes, Pav's character did tend to be reduced to chai in the early fan content. But guess what. That kind of thing happens to every side character in beloved media until more creators get their hands on them, adopt them as their blorbos, and make more developed characters and content out of them!!! Every side character that has a memorable bit gets overused in that bit until more creators get on board to flesh them out! Or have we forgotten "AND PEGGY!", "Honor", "ONIONS!!" and other miscreants? Surely those are ALSO stereotyping then, right? Also. Even if Pav's early fan content with chai was veering towards overuse and maybe stereotyping. Let's assume that's right. HOW EXACTLY WOULD THE SHIP NAME CHANGE THAT, THEN? The ship name changing wouldn't have done diddly squat about that - he was already getting more developed character in fics and in art before people pushed for his ship name to be changed to something less ethnic sounding. I should know, I was one of the people writing him even then. The tag changing wasn't going to magically change the content. The fan creators did that.

It's unrelated to him, it's stereotypical specifically in that flavour - bitch what. Did we watch the same movie. This point in particular frustrates me so much, because I remember someone on here - I don't remember who - talking about how it makes sense to use "flower" for Miles because his favourite song is Sunflower but in that same sentence saying it's ridiculous to use "chai" for Pav. What logical hoops are you jumping to get to this conclusion, my sibling of the sea? If we can use "flower" for Miles - which was literally a song he sang once, maybe twice, in the first movie, never even saying it was his favourite but just showing us he liked it - then it makes just as much sense to use "chai" for Pavitr? Pav literally says he drinks chai every day with Maya Aunty, it's linked to his life and family, and he clearly liked and thought of it as important enough to put it in his intro speech. Also, as an Indian, in my experience at least chai is a very important and yet casual cultural thing for us, that a lot of us have a connection to in our everyday lives and it makes sense for him to have it too. It's not like people are just seeing the Indian character and automatically labelling him with chai - he talks about it, he likes chai, it's not out of nowhere. Also, if we're talking about how related the abbreviation is, HOW is "golden" related??? That is even more out of nowhere??? Everyone I've asked seems to have a different justification of why golden is used. From bc he's a golden boy to golden bc of his bangles or vibes - they're all speculative and based almost entirely in fanon. Like. Chai is so much more related.

Also. Using chai? IT'S NOT A BIG FUCKING DEAL. It's just a word. It is normal to me, to us Indians, as normal as using any other word in English, or Hindi, or our regional languages. I don't see why it's such a big deal that it needs to be changed to something English. It's literally just like if you made his abbreviation "tea" - except now you've taken the desiness out of it. Congratulations.

This isn't a cause I'm going to die mad about or anything. It's just been slowly annoying and eating away at me to see so many, again from what I can tell mostly non-Indian people, being mad about chai being his ship abbreviation. It feels like a bit of a gut punch to the part of me that was so happy to see this tiny part of myself and my language and culture represented in a character I love. As my friend once said, "chaipunk sounds like a cool punk movement I'd join. goldenpunk just sounds white."

The straw that finally broke the camel's back and got me posting about it is this realization that I had:

All the hue and cry to change Pavitr's ship name from "chai" to the more 'acceptable' "golden"? It reeks an awful lot of whitewashing.

People literally got so offended about an Indian character having an Indian ship abbrev that they clamoured till it got changed to something English. It leaves a very off taste in my mouth when I think about it like this.

So yeah.

[books-and-strawberry-tea]

Lucy Undying - Kiersten White.

If I was to describe this book in two words, it would be:

Utterly Insufferable!

I was so excited for this book. I rushed out to purchase. Spending $35AUD on this garbage just 3 days ago. Today I sat down to read it, and my cat decided to spill a whole 1L bottle of my hydrolyte drink on it. Absolutely soaking the back half of the book. I should have took this as a sign and thanked him for his service. Unfortunately, I had no clue what absurdity he was saving me from. If only I'd just thrown the book away.

The book follows Iris, but it also follows Lucy...and vampire Lucy. Iris' events is set in 2024 - 2025. Lucy, the vampire, is followed by tape recordings following her life as a vampire and how her past human life had impacted it. As well as human Lucy in the form of journal entries. At first I was intrigued at how this would play out. As I love different media in books. Unfortunately, the POV's were all over the place. The voice recordings would give away spoilers to the journal entries, completely taking away the element of surprise, holding no suspense what so ever. Making the proceeding chapters boring as you'd already know what was to happen.

Iris...Iris, Iris, Iris. Girl you are absolutely intolerable. 20% through the book, and she's mad at life, her mum, her dad, her past. But the reader has no idea as to why. Making her frustrating to read about as she is always angry. The author also repeats every chapter over and over and over that she needs to sell items in her mothers property in England. Every chapter with Iris' POV, these same words are repeated over and over again. Like yes, thank you, I've read the other chapters. I get it. Also why are all rich people in stories the same? So desperate to be away from the money and wealth of their family, but actively try to benefit at the same time from their families wealth.....but repeat over and over again they want nothing to do with it. I don't understand.

Other issues I had with the book involved the usage of the word queer, and the obvious declaration that the author has no clue to the history, original meaning, and modern usage of the word. It honestly felt like an insult. Two examples of the words usage, both used in a 1890's journal, frustrated me to no end. The first example, the author used the word queer as a quirky cool thing to be. Like how "wonderful" it is for me to be using the word queer in a 1890s view point (Obviously sarcasm on my behalf). I read the word in this usage and wanted to scream. This word historically was not something you wanted to be called. It had such a negative connotation and literally meant weird, strange, abnormal. But White used the modern day usage and connotation in this journal. Then, only a few chapters later, for example 2, in another 1890s journal, she used the old meaning of the word. Lucy describing herself as queer and strange, like something is wrong with her. Does White actually know much about this word? Cause it truly feels like they don't.

The book felt like a fanfiction. Written purely for self fulfilment, and not actually intending for a wider audience.

Also, was the modern day American politics necessary to mention?? Personal gripe, mentions like this in books automatically centres American audiences as the only intended audience. It's incredibly frustrating. Not everything has to involve American centralist mindsets. But apparently we non American's can't escape it. Even in fictional world's.

The 2024 references also made me cringe to my soul. 'The Last of Us' as a reference?? Really?? This is just a perfect way to age a book. Especially since the most recent editions of that game made audiences furious. Not a good look.

I'm seriously disappointed. The cover was gorgeous. It's a real shame the cover is the only good quality about this book.

Star rating. 1/5.

Wish I could label it 0. But good reads won't allow that.

DNF 20%.

[osaemu]

extension of this post

please please reblog if you enjoyed whatever i posted. just liking the post essentially does nothing for me, and while i do appreciate the gesture it doesn't actually help me get more traffic into my blog or into the work itself. there's a reason i always add a "reblogs very appreciated" sentence at the end of everything i post, and it's really discouraging when something i write gets thousands of likes but just around 300 reblogs. again, i really do appreciate all the interactions nonetheless, but just liking the post doesn't actually help me as a creator. all you have to do to support me is hit the reblog button instead — this isn't instagram. there's no algorithm here.

so i started writing smut maybe a month or a month and a half ago, and it was kind of a shock when i saw the difference in notes between the genres. the highest amount of notes i've received on a sfw fic is almost 4000, which is still a lot but not nearly as impressive as over 13000 on a smut fic that i hardly put any effort into. i'm glad that people enjoy the smut i write, but it's just a little frustrating when something i put more effort into gets significantly less recognition than something i wrote on a whim. for example, my most popular work to date, the 'free to talk' one. i genuinely disliked it as i wrote it but didn't want to waste it, so i posted it just to satisfy the part of me that didn't want to scrap it. somehow, the drabble that i barely put any time into got the most notes i've ever received, and again while i really am grateful for the interactions, it just rubs me the wrong way that something like that can get more traffic than something i wrote and genuinely liked writing.

lately i've been receiving a lot of asks, definitely more than i used to get and i just wanted to say thank you to everyone, anon or not who sent me them! i actually really like receiving asks, and i've heard stories that creators used to get significantly more than they do now. i've made posts asking people to send me asks because some days my inbox is empty and others there's a couple asks in there, but overall i find it odd that i can have thousands of followers and still receive little to no interaction on a bad day. so yea just send me an ask anytime, even if it's just the most insignificant thing ever, like idk a tiktok edit you saw or something that happened in your day, i'd love to hear about it!

if anyone read all the way down here thank u sm i love u

[queerstake]

As a queer drawn to the faith and trying to deal with the messiness of entering into everything, I've been trying hard to read more of the Book of Mormon because I only have a very vague understanding of it's Whole Deal, but executive dysfunction, ADHD, and honestly, a million other excuses are making it very difficult. Are there any good resources for walking through the fundamentals? Childish but I feel like I'm disappointing the Lord if I'm not more on top of this.

Hi anon! I totally get it and yes, I can think of a few ideas!

If you're looking for ways to understand the BoM (or even just general doctrine) from more of a bird's eye view:

I hope you don't find this silly, but when I was a kid, the church published an illustrated children's version of the BoM that's obviously way quicker to flip through. It might be harder for you to find those exact editions I read as a kid if you don't have ready access to a church library, BUT I found this!! It's (almost) the ENTIRE BoM illustrated and summarized and it's online!

Looks like they put out videos too that summarize the BoM beginning to end. Here's a link to the video series. I haven't seen these, so I can't vouch for them, but they might be helpful! Similarly, there's a BoM in 60 seconds video you might find helpful.

If you'd benefit from a schedule, the church is currently studying the BoM in sunday school! The past few years, we've been using a study guide called Come Follow Me with weekly assigned reading chapters. I've actually been working on posts about CFM as they relate to queer mormon theology, but I haven't had much posted yet since I've been having a rocky start to 2024. As things improve, I'll be able to hopefully even establish a schedule on this blog!

I'm not sure if missionary lessons is something you're interested in at this point, and it's definitely not something you ever need to do, but the missionary lessons themselves are a pretty good doctrine intro if you're looking for just Mormonism 101 in a digestible way. The missionaries teach out a book called Preach My Gospel, which is available right here. You'll be interested in the lessons, which are found in Chapter 3. If you just scroll down, you'll see some of the links are labeled Lesson instead of Chapter--just click on those bad boys. And if you have any doctrinal questions, I'm always MORE than happy to talk about the church! You'll probably get a faster answer DMing me personally at @logans-mormon-blog, but I'll always answer asks here as soon as time permits.

If you're looking for easier ways to finish the BoM from beginning to end:

The BoM on tape. The church has an audiobook version available on the Gospel Library app and other audio apps like Spotify.

The Reader's Edition. If you can get your hand on a reader's edition, a lot of people find this is an easier way to plow through the BoM. What's special about this one is that it's formatted not like scripture but like prose, and it really does change the reading experience!

I don't know if this helps any, but I struggle with some of the same issues as you and I'm always bitterly disappointed when I'm not able to move mountains. If I had my way, I'd be the most well-read scriptorian of all time and this blog would be updated constantly. But life often doesn't shake out that way. I spend way more time than I want to with my brain entirely burned out of my head. So you're not alone, if that's any comfort. I think God gets it--he made our brains, after all, and knows how hard it is to wrestle with. It's easier said than done, but don't beat yourself up. God loves the both of us and he's the most perfectly patient person who's ever lived. He's not frustrated or disappointed with our efforts. Religion exists, in my opinion, to help improve and enrich our lives, not make them more challenging OR even to make them perfect if we only could just run fast enough. I too wish I could be more diligent and on it, but shit happens, right? And we're not on earth to be perfect, we're here to be happy and to learn. When Joseph Smith was translating the BoM, God told him "Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means provided to enable you to translate; but be diligent unto the end." D&C 10:4. We're doing our damndest, and that's all God even wants from us.

If anyone else has more resource ideas, please let us know!

-Logan

[marilynthornhilllover]

Hey!! just started following you and I would absolutely love if you wrote some "what we do in the shadows" Nadja x reader, vampire smut :') Also if you haven't watched the show Oh My God, its my current obsession. gay vampires what more could you want.

The Halloween Snack

Vampire Nadja x humanfem!reader

Warning: smut, praise kink, slight degradation, choking kink, biting kink, slight draw of blood, cunniligus, fingering, slight overstiumlation, pet names, nipple play, feral play, not much dialog etc.

A/n: I've never really watched the show actually but I've definitely seen her in edits and I can remember watching season 1 I think, it was a pleasure to write this! Hope you enjoyed darling, also sorry this took so long.

You groaned in frustration as you looked at your reflection through the mirror. This was the fifth dress that you tried on that you didn't like or you thought didn't suit your personality very much. It was a skin tight black dress that stopped right above your knees with strip back openings.

Nadja had asked you to be her plus one for a Halloween party last minute - well two weeks ago to be exact. You just didn't know what to wear. Not that Nadja would judge you but, you wanted to atleast impress her but luck just wasn't on your side tonight.

Nadja and you had been friends for quite some time. She was funny, kind..... sometimes, sassy, fashionable and excruciatingly evil. But to be fair she was the most kindness towards you. That might be hard for some people to believe because when you first became her roommate other students had told you that she hated the presence of humans, every semester they would place her in a dorm by herself.

They said, One slip up and she just might rip you to shreds making a fine dress for herself out of your flesh.

Or that you'd constantly be walking on egg shells, one day she'd like you being around then quickly get tired of you, and possibly rip your throat out. Everyone on campus had their fair share of horrific experience with the vampire. But on the first day of moving in, as dark as everyone claimed her to be she was actually your light, a sunshine. Now as cliché or ironic as that might sound it was the God given truth. You saw the way nadja talked to people, treated them, looked at them. Never once was she ever the same with you.

When it came to you she was like a puppy lover, soft and compassionate. Thoughtful even. For your birthday once she gaved you a gold bat pendant necklace with her initial on it. You started developing feelings for her, I mean everyone had feelings for nadja. She was insufferable, hot and a total vibe. She would call you specific pet names that she specially came up with such as, darling, babes, and love.

Whenever she called you by one of theses names you had to try your best not to fall falt on your face. Being with her made you weak to your knees. Her accent was so dreamy, the way your name rolled off her tongue had you squirming or blushing like a silly school girl in love, you especially loved the way she would read out loud her romance book that she writes at night whenever she thinks that you'd already fallen asleep.

Her eyes were also another factor that had you Turing as red as a tomato. Every time she glanced at you or gazed at you with her sultry eyes , you had to try your best not to scream your voice out. Soon Nadja would noticed the way you could clench your thighs whenever she spoke in a raspy voice towards you whenever she got upset with you at something. Or how you would whisper a little " oh god" whenever she winked at you or called you a" good little pet".

She used this to her advantage and teased you constantly non - stop , it's safe to say she knew what to do to have you on your knees in no time..... and we're not talking about vampire powers here.

You sighed once again in frustration as you sat on your bed with tears in your eyes. It's not like you didn't have enough time to plan for this party, you just didn't know what to wear. And everything you had looked either too girly or just not Halloween themed. You heard a soft knock before the door to your room opened as nadja peeked her head in.

" you ready or what babes?" she asked approaching you. When your didn't respond to her, she entered the room taking slow but carful strides towards you, tilting her head slightly to get a good look at your face, she noticed that you were crying. Upon seeing this she quickly knelt infront of you and gently grabbed hold of your chin to get you to look at you.

" aw darling what's wrong?" You sniffed and rolled your eyes as you moved to stand, nadja standing quickly with you. You felt small. You didn't want her to see you cry, she'd probably think your weak or cast you away for being a cry baby, but not answering her won't help the situation. It will only make it worse.

" Well, are you gonna fucking answer me or do I need to stand here all night and act as your therapist that you pay for extra tissues?" it was a rhetorical question but you heard the frustration in her voice. You sighed as you turned to look at her. God her eyes.... they would deadly poisoning when she was upset. her eyebrows were quirked in a worried expression and her lips stayed pinched as she studied your every move.

" i don't know what to wear" you spoke in annoyance as you turned to look into the mirror once more. Nadja bit her lip as her expression dropped. What started questioning if maybe what she was thinking was harsh or maybe what she was seeing was wrong. On your body was a perfectly well fitted dress, that matched the occasion you were going to attend and one that she didn't see a problem with.

" forgive me if I'm blind sweetheart but I really don't see anything wrong with this outfit, my love". you huffed, walking into your closet you began to toss out numerous pairs of clothes onto the floor. Nadja watched in awe as you looked through your closet, she smirked tilting her head to the side, admiring the way the dress was hooked on your body.

Your curves, the way your hips swayed. The thoughts got the best of her, she watched as you bent down to pick up a shirt and got back up. The dress you were wearing now showed off your curves plainly.

You turned to glance at her before continuing your hunt.

" and what are you supposed to be dresses as?" You heard as she sat on your bed and sighed, groaning as she cracked her back before proceeding to respond.

" myself duh" she spoke watching as you fought to unzip your zipper on the side of your dress. She got up and walked back over to help you. She gently gripped your hips and pulled the zipper down, you were too busy looking for a skirt to notice that she got lost in a trance as she stared at your red lace underwear like a pyscopath or perhaps - a total vampire pervert. She reached out her hand too touch your skin but pulled back. She was utterly desperate......

Your skin looked smooth, the density of the flesh twinkled in her eyes. Just one touch.... one bite.... even the smallest nibble will suit her well....

Her eyes flicked up towards your neck, the delicate flesh with a irritable beating pluse. When she bit into the sweet flesh, to hear your moan, taste your blood, Oh what she would give to taste you. Both your blood and your -

" nadja?" She flinched as her body forced her snapped out her corrupted trance. She realized that she was now face to face with your lips as you looked at her confused. Temptation was running high for nadja, her pupils delayed, her eyes darkening as she looked up at you.

" may I kiss your neck, darling please" you were a bit taken back by the suddeness and randomness that the question held but who were you to deny 'the nadja ' a taste of your skin, after all you'd be lying to yourself if you said you hadn't dreama about this moment. You gulped as nodded slowly, titling your neck to provide her with the required access. She smirked as her eyes beamed at your approval. Her super speed allowed her to push you up against the wall. Both her hands grapped your hips firmly as her body laid flush against yours. Before she could lean down to began what ever mission she had intended to do, you gently pushed against her biceps.

" please don't bite me nadja" she chuckled softly but nodded her head, silently agreeing. Her lips hovered over your skin debating whether or not to truly bite or to just enjoy the moment, who knows it might just be the last time she even gets to touch you. As soon as her lips made contact with your neck, it was a if a light switch went off for her. She immediately started nipping and sucking at the tender flesh.

You whimpered when you felt her finger tips grazing across your scalp, carefully pulling on your hair. you exclaimed when nadja's fangs scrape across your flesh.

" f- fuck nads no hickeys either" you manged to crack out slightly pulling away to look at her. She looked straight back at you with predatory eyes. It was evident that she was absolutely blood thirsty. But you couldn't let her bite you - you just couldn't..... fuck it, who cares about rules and morals.

Your lips met nadjas lips in a hasty passionate kiss as you used your body to push her back against your bed. She fell onto the soft mattress with a gentle thud and a small gasp. Biting her lips with lidded eyes she used her body strength to turn you over beneath her, straddling you instead.

" looks like someone's a little eager" she teased, her voice dripping with honey. You moaned as you felt her thigh slip in between your legs, parting them away from eachother. Nadja smirked she then moved to attacked your neck once more.

" oh God nadja p-please" you moaned as you titled your head providing her with more access to your neck. You could hear her chuckle softly before feeling a dull but sharp pain in your neck. You winced as your back arched as you felt her fangs dig into the skin of you flesh, drawing a slight blood flow.

You feel nadja body relax above you, as she whimpered quietly. She then slowly removed her fangs from the wound before placing a chaste kiss there. She removed the straps of your dress exposing your breasts to her. Her eyes lingered on them before they flicked up to yours.

You granted her the permission her eyes searched for. She took it upon herself to latch her mouth onto one of the already erected bud. Your eyes rolled back as your hands flew to her hair. A moan escaped from you causing nadja to look up at the sinful sight about her. As You arched your chest into her mouth your grip in her hair tightened even more.

Your body temperature began to increase and so did the heat in your core. Your breathing picked up when nadja slide her hand down your stomach, she toyed with the hemming of the dress before pushing it up around your hips then proceeding to pull your underwear to the side.

She realesed your nipple with a pop before moving to the other one. You whimpered as your eyes rolled back, pleasure started taking over your mind leaving you fuzzy and completely under nadja mercy.

She wasted no time bringing her fingers back to her mouth where she then spat on them before quickly sliding them in and out of you without warning. You gasped as you spread your thighs even wider hoping that she was go deeper.

She slowly sinks two fingers back into your cunt, curling them slowly, before pulling out completely, spreading your wetness to your clit. you let out quiet whimpers at the stimulation as your eyes flicked back, her fingers gently teased your pulsing clit. you call her name in a quiet whisper, in attempt for her to give you what you wanted.... what you needed most. its a plead you can’t help but let out. her actions send waves of heat surging throughout your body.

She then shoved her two digits back into your dripping cunt. You let out a silent sob at the sudden intrusion. Nadja curled her fingers at the right spot where she felt you clench down tightly. She grunted as she started sucking brutally on your nipple as if she's getting milk from doing so.

Your gummy walls hugged her two digits so good that she picked up the pace. You were a hot mess beneath her, gasping and moaning ever so slightly. Nadjas fingers curled deep within you which caused you to erupt in pleasure.

" That's it darling, God I wish I had taken it upon myself to fuck you sooner" she muttered while looking down at you. Your hair was completely ruined and sprawled out on the pillows, tears were evident in your eyes as your mascara started running down your cheek. You looked gorgeous.

You couldn't even think straight, you began muttering incorhent sentences. She could feel your walls already spasming around her fingers indicating your close to your first orgasm.

Nadja pulled her fingers from your cunt at the right moment just before you reached your high. Seeing the confusion mixed with frustration in your eyes boosted her ego to destroy you even more.

She crawled down to the end of the bed coming face to face with your aroused pussy. She smirked before putting both of your legs on her shoulder, kissing your ankle while doing so.

Again like some sort of feral animal that hadn't eaten for days she wasted no time, she enveloped her mouth around your clit, her tongue flicking and sucking on the tiny bud furiously in a attempt to make you cum quickly. After all you both had places to be right after this.... well... let's just say inconvenient...

You grabbed the bed sheets tightly, if you were hulk your sure that they sheets would be torn by now. You let out a pornographic moan as you felt nadja fingers slip into you once more, this time her pace was absolutely brutal and quick, making squelching noises as she hit your g- spot over and over again.

You felt coils after coils snap in you before feeling as a big one was building. You prompted yourself up on your elbows to look at nadja. Her eyes flicked up to yours for a split second before she started slurping your cunt eagerly and rapidly eating you out.

You fell back in a silent scream, feeling your legs as they began shaking dramatically. You felt as she realesed your clit with a pop but her fingers were absolutely driving you insane.

It felt so fucking good you started hyperventilating. Nadja then pushed her fingers knuckles deep into you before curling her finger and doing the barel movement.

" such a good fucking slut for mommy mhm" she cooed as her other hand wrapped around your neck tightly. its not long before you’re teetering on the edge of your orgasm, nadjas thumb rubbing tight circles around your clit, finger’s pumping in and out of your dripping cunt so deliciously.

You began seeing stars as the raven hair vampire pushed you further and further into oblivion. You shook your everything inside you as your orgasm hit you like a passing train going at a high speed.

You felt a completely drenched feeling of liquid slowly make its away from your throbbing hole to your thighs and further down. You knew exactly what just happened..... you squirted.

You blinked rapidly until you could no longer see the tiny white flying balls in your vision before sitting up straight and looking down at nadja.

She smiled softly at you before she kissed your forehead while caressing your arm.

" now that you feel like the princess that you are, you have five minutes to refreshing up so that we can hit the road my love" nadja winked before playfully smacking your biceps.

Before she left she brought her fingers to her mouth and gaved them kitten licks before smirking sheepishly at you.

She opened the door and left, leaving you in complete awe and limited time to get re- dressed. You knew that this was not the end of tonight and that after you both came back home, she's going to make you do that all over again until your screaming her name for the entire campus to hear...... and you honestly could not wait......

[ohnoitstbskyen]

Reflecting on my work in 2022

As this official Hell Of A Year™ draws to a close, I guess it is appropriate to both reflect on what I've been doing this year, as well as do a bit of plugging for work which I am proud of.

So here's a list of some of the videos I made this year, along with some thoughts on their creation and how I feel about them, some self-criticism, some behind-the-scenes, and a little self-congratulation where it is appropriate.

I struggle somewhat with memory and a clear sense of time - to me, time is more of a continuous stream than a series of delineated moments. This is often frustrating - I get lost in it, and when I look back on a list of my work and activities, it is less an experience of "oh yeah, ha ha, that happened" and more of a "wait what do you mean that happened then? And before that other thing? But after that one? What the hell?"

Worst case scenario, it can be kinda distressing, honestly. It feels out of control, anxiety inducing, like I don't have a handle on my life.

... which is an absolutely fantastic tone to strike for a New Year's list of my favourite videos. 2023, woo!

The Boss Designs of Bloodborne Finale (February)

It took me nearly three months after the penultimate episode of the series to finally put this video out. My The Boss Designs Of series is some of the best work I've ever created, at least I think so. It's certainly some of the most creatively fulfilling work I do, and some of the most challenging too.

I try to walk a line between providing a fresh perspective on the games I've played for the series, but not getting contrarian or off-the-wall just for the sake of it. With Bloodborne, I do think I managed some really good critical contributions to the readings of the game, like my reading of the Blood-starved Beast as a self-sacrificing martyr for the beast community of Old Yharnam, which was apparently quite novel, or my crackpot Parasite Theory of Bloodborne's madness.

And I do think I've gotten better and better at editing gameplay footage too, I think I've managed to learn a good balance between joke-edits and continuity and story editing. I always kinda fret on the one hand that the gameplay footage and my live commentary is too boring to stand on its own, and on the other hand that editing in too many jokes and gags would just be obnoxious and tedious to sit through.

The thing Bloodborne nails more than any other horror game I've seen is the sensation of the nightmare. And not just in its visuals or its monster designs or the surface storytelling, but in the push and pull between extremely specific imagery and story beats and complete ambiguity the moment you scratch at the surface. Bloodborne is on the one hand a fairly obvious story about the abuses of organized religion and unethical science, but then underneath that there's also this deep obsession with the violence done to women's bodies specifically, and how that violence spills out and caustically eats into the humanity of everyone who is complicit in it.

And then underneath that there's an exploration of birth trauma, where the Great Ones are parental figures as incomprehensible to the player as parents are to a newborn child, pushing you here and pulling you there and inflicting incomprehensible violations of your bodily autonomy out of apparent sympathy.

And underneath all of that... it's also about how cool it would be to transform into a werewolf, actually. The themes of self-creation and transformation and claiming monsterhood as self-empowerment are incredibly queer and especially apt for trans readings.

It all flows together in this soup of imagery and meaning that I cannot crystalize into a unifying Theory of Bloodborne, no definitive reading, no comprehensive hot take. Which is frustrating when you're trying to create a video essay, but infinitely compelling when trying to think about it.

I don't know that I managed to capture all of that in the The Boss Designs of Bloodborne finale, but I do know that I tried to, and I'm proud of that.

Melina, the Maiden - Boss Designs of Elden Ring #1 (March)

Staying with The Boss Designs of, here's a video about which my feelings have become decidedly mixed. Not because of anything that is in the episode, mind you, but out of a certain disempowered bitterness I've developed about Elden Ring over the course of the year.

I cannot overstate how excited I was for Elden Ring, and how desperately I enjoyed finally getting to play it back in March. It's a brilliant game, an incredibly immersive world, and one which I badly want to return to.

... and then I didn't get to play the game for nine months. It was partly my own mistake - I tried recording an absolute ton of footage for episodes early, playing as much of the game as I could while it was still fresh, hoping to put out a lot of episodes of the series early while the game was fresh and Relevant In The Algorithm™, and also just out of sheer excitement. In so doing, though, I ended up shooting myself in the foot, because as I began to edit episodes together I also found myself feeling more and more distant from the experience of playing.

The pile of footage in front of me, begging to be converted into episodes, became a roadblock of work looming over me, a source of guilt and stress and frustration, that put extra stress on my mind every time I tried to make any other video and which stood between me and getting to play more of the game I have anticipated more than any other for years.

In 2023, I will get back to Elden Ring, I swear to god I will, but in the meantime I am quite happy with how the three episodes I've made of this series so far have turned out.

Also, the new intro song I commissioned from @trewatsonmusic absolutely slaps.

What's the deal with Zeri and Neon (June)

My ambition for the What's the Deal videos has always been to expand them beyond League of Legends (and I have done videos on characters from other things), but being a YouTuber is also my job, and League of Legends is the moneymaking subject on my channel, at least for now.

Not that I resent that. For all that League deserves the criticism it gets, I still insist that it has one of the greatest casts of characters in modern gaming, underserved and ignored though most of them are by Riot Games. There's so much to talk about once you get even a little bit under the surface, and I do feel like I've been doing a better and better job at doing that in the What's the Deal videos over 2022. Zeri, for example, is a fantastic addition to the class warfare dynamics of Piltover and Zaun, especially in her conflict with Renata Glasc and the themes that could be explored through that conflict. And it's not lost of me the extent to which she was a direct response to the xenophobic attacks on Asian-Americans that have surged out of American politics in recent years, either. There is value to proclaiming that someone like Zeri belongs in the worlds of big pop culture institutions like League of Legends, even if (as always) it is the workers at Riot Games making that proclamation, and Riot Games Inc. allowing it because it serves their commercial goals.

I brought in Nickyboi for an assist on this one as well, which is something I want to do more. I want to do more collaboration. First of all because it's nice to offload work to someone else, but also because this job is fundamentally kind of lonely. I'm just a guy in his office making videos 99% of the time, and collaborating with a fellow creator feels like being part of a creative community in a way that solo work and shitposting at each other on Twitter simply doesn't.

And I am proud of the little fanfiction snippets I've started writing in the The Future segments. One of the points of the What's the Deal videos is to communicate to an audience why I'm excited about a character, why I feel like they're worth giving a shit about, and I think those fanfiction segments have done a better job at getting that across than almost all of my character design and animation chatter. Plus, it's nice to flex a bit of creative muscle in that way now and then.

Speaking of which, I still need to write that happier ending for Kai'sa and Taliyah, don't I? I have A Plan™ for that, it's just about finding the time to make it real...

The 15 Most Beautiful Splash Arts in League of Legends (September)

This one is easily the biggest surprise of the year for me. In the latter half of 2022, I took quite a lot of sponsorships - first of all because they were offered (good lord there was a rush of them in August!), but also because I really wanted to save up and pay down debts.

One of the consequences of that was the extreme delay of Elden Ring, but another was that all of a sudden I had to get content out on a very set schedule. Most of my work is done on the steam of Whatever Catches My Creative Attention At The Time, but with a deadline hanging over my head, suddenly I had to find video ideas whether they presented themselves naturally or not.

I feared that a list-video would be a turn-off for my audience, I feared that it would be seen as shallow and tacky, like a 2010s Buzzfeed listicle. I feared that people just wouldn't be interested in the kind of art analysis I like to do, or would find it pretentious to seek meaning in what is - let's be real - commercial artwork meant to promote game cosmetics.

The benefit of a sponsorship is that the video has already made a profit, whether it does well or not, and I thought that in making this video, I was being self-indulgent and "ignoring" the desires of my audience.

Instead, it's one of the best performing videos ever on my channel, and people have cited it as a favorite among my videos quite a number of times.

Which was really... encouraging, honestly. I didn't expect it, but this video really did give me a confidence boost that the things I care about and find interesting do have an audience, even extra-nerdy rambling about League of Legends cosmetics.

Building a Better Soraka (September)

Building a Better is a series title I sometimes regret a little bit, because no matter how much I try to explain in the videos themselves that there is no such thing as a perfect character design and that my revisions and ideas are not meant to be definitive in any way, I always get comments from people accusing me of declaring myself The God of Character Design and sitting in holy judgment over the work I'm critiquing.

To an extent, I guess that's unavoidable on the internet, but... maybe the series title was a bad gamble on that front.

I do stand by, though, that my designs have a reasonable argument that they are improvements over the originals. Arguments that can be interrogated and criticized, but valid, reasonaed arguments, not mere polemics.

Building a Better Soraka was an experiment in creating the series, as instead of working with a single artist to iterate on design improvements, I ended up commissioning more than a half dozen people for artwork and using different renditions to make my argument. It did hurt the coherency of the video a little, I feel, but it did open me up to a much more flexible way to produce videos like it in the future, which I'm happy with.

Plus, I really do like what I came up with here, and I adore the ways that @sabtherobot, @sinizade and @lekyrin executed my ideas and brought their own visions of the character. Soraka is a character who deserves a lot better than the basic design she's stuck with, and whose story can do so much more visually than Riot is willing to allow it to do.

"Not Without You" - the story of Nasus and Renekton (November)

Of all the writing I did this year, this is by far what I am most proud of.

The video itself did not perform very well, nor did I expect it to, but the reactions I saw from the audience on this piece... yeah. That filled a very hungry part of my heart, I'm not gonna lie.

Writing a novel is a life ambition for me, as it is for many people. Actually writing it is a lot more elusive, though, in part because I struggle to feel confidence that my writing would ever hold up to the scrutiny of an audience. I struggle to feel that I would ever be able to connect emotionally with people, that I would be able to make what I feel sensible through writing.

This story proved that I can. Not to a big audience, perhaps, and I certainly don't have any delusions of genius or grandeur. I do not ever expect to be a famous or fêted writer, nor an important one. But... I do feel like with this story, I proved that I can at least be a competent one, which is frankly all I want.

And Nasus and Renekton were grateful subjects, too. Their story is naturally deeply emotional, albeit strangled by Riot's chronic indifference towards their most compelling narratives, and a lot of what I ended up exploring in there did come from a very genuine place in myself. It was nice to touch that part of my soul, and make something out of it, even if it's only silly fanfiction for a silly video game.

I am cautiously optimistic about 2023

Looking back over the videos I made this year, while I have a lot of work that I am proud of, I also see a lot of videos that I think I made less out of a desire to make them and more out of a fear of not making them. Videos that I made because I felt like the audience expected it, because the algorithm demanded it, because rent is always coming due and I am petrified of ever being broke again.

This is normal and natural, it is to some extent just the nature of the creative process under a capitalist market system where your work must always have some sort of price tag. But... I don't want to keep doing it. If I have an ambition for 2023, it is to make more of the videos I want to make, more videos that I only I can make. To give myself a little bit of a break and ease up on the self-recrimination and stress.

I have so many projects I want to get to, and being in my 30s I am becoming more and more conscious that while I (hopefully) have something like twice my current lifetime left to create the things I want, time is a finite resource, and spending it trying to please a website algorithm probably won't do me that much good in the end.

Anyway, some other things I did which I am quite proud of:

Played through God of War: Ragnarök while telling stories about the mythology of my childhood.

Ran around the world of Eorzea, accompanied by some of the funniest, silliest and most generous FFXIV players a man could dream of.

Finished a Pokémon HeartGold Nuzlocke with possibly the most nerve-wracking finish I have ever had to a Pokémon game

Reviewed every single Gen 1 Pokémon

Finished Great Ace Attorney Chronicles 1, probably the let's play with the most voice acting I have ever done. Some of it is even good!

If you've read this far, thank you so much for your time, your attention, your interest and your indulgence. Your 2023 be a good year, and may the tides of history wash gently over us all.

[shadowed-dancer]

I just read the 423 leaks

Spoilers

First off, the back-and-forth between "Tomura is gone!" "Never mind he got protected by Nana" "Never mind he's gone again" is infuriating. A bait-and-switch once in a while is fine. Revealing that "the thing the characters assumed to be true" was actually wrong is also fine. ONCE IN A WHILE. Mha got into a bad habit in this arc where it's constantly undoing whatever happened a chapter earlier. Deku's arms is another example of this.

Second, due to all this back-and-forth I lost sight of AFO's power and ability (and his goals). It's hard to feel tension if you don't know what abilities are on the table, so the past few chapters have just felt like things happening because Horikoshi needed them to happen.

Third, while I always knew there was a high likelyhood of Tomura being redeemed through dying (and killing AFO on his way out) I also acknowledged that I personally don't like the "redemption through death" trope. However, this might be the most frustrating iteration of it I've ever seen. It's been unclear where Tomura's mind is for the past half of the arc, so seeing him die and "be redeemed" doesn't hit nearly as hard as it could have. It's basically him saying "Deku, you were right and this can be considered a win for you" and then leaving the series.

Which brings us to fourth, Deku failed??? Deku wanted to save that little boy. The boy is dead. If they magically bring him back next chapter that will irritate due to point number 1. If they keep him dead, then Deku technically failed. Telling the audience "well it's KIND OF a victory" is so frustrating.

I knew that Tomura would more than likely die, but they somehow made it so frustrating to witness. It doesn't feel satisfying, it doesn't feel like a good end to his character, and if anything that comment to Spinner (and the "his friends are waiting for him" line) just reminds me of how they destroyed such an amazing character.

Pardon any grammar mistakes, I needed to get this off my chest and I'm not about to start editing.

[in-my-loki-feels]

🎥(cheating but bad things verse as a whole?) 🤩🟥🥘😁

Thank you for the ask! (From this game.)

🎥 Pick a fic and I'll tell you the song I imagine playing during its movie trailer.

I loved this question! It really made me examine all the songs on my Bad Things playlist. For the 'verse as a whole, I'd pick "You Are Mine" by Mutemath. I almost titled the most recent fic "Objects of Affection" based on the lyrics:

There are objects of affection That can mesmerize the soul There is always one addiction That just cannot be controlled

It's such a chill song, though, so it probably makes terrible trailer music. "Make You Mine" by Madison Beer would be a better beat to cut scenes to and fits just as well. (And thank you very much for introducing it to me!)

🤩 What's the most meaningful comment you've ever received?

Now I'm going to cheat because there isn't one single comment, but instead a lot of the comments I've received on the Bad Things fics that have been some of the most meaningful I've ever received. I've never written for a character like President Loki, where people love him or hate him (or don't give a shit about him), and having readers say that my fic(s) made them actually care about him has been huge. That, and hearing that I managed to create a fully fleshed out being, with complexity and depth, from someone we saw for maybe 2 minutes. If there's a better way to make me feel accomplished in my writing, I don't know it. I'm not joking when I say that, mentally, I'm taking those comments and clutching them to my chest. <3

🟥 How long do you spend in edits?

Once I complete a first draft, I usually do at least 2-3 passes through it, which probably takes a week if I'm able to work on it a little each day. After that, I always try to leave it alone for at least a day before I come back for the final check. I've learned from experience that if I just keep poking at it without taking that break, I'll miss things and also get frustrated with the fic as a whole.

🥘 What wip are you most excited about?

I'm usually most excited about whatever I'm currently working on (which is why I'm writing that) but right now I'm between two wips. I was really excited about the appropriately named Jet Ski wip but then I typed a sentence that threw me for such a loop I had to abandon it and move on to the Stranded In Asgard wip.

Actually, the shorter (and better) answer is: whichever Bad Things 'verse fic is next. <3

😁 What makes you happiest? New fic comments, kudos, bookmarks, user subscribers, story subscribers, or Tumblr asks?

Definitely comments! I just love hearing what readers think about my fics and the more detail the better. It also usually gives me a chance to talk more about the characters/story, which I'm always eager to do. I'd place Tumblr asks second for that reason, though I think they're less frequent. (I liked your point about notes in bookmarks but my fics almost always have bookmarks without notes, so I didn't place them higher on this list.)

[otdiaftg]

The Raven King - Chapter Three

Day: Friday, September 1st Time: 12:48 PM EST

"What is going on?" Kevin asked. "You can't last a full game without your medicine." “No, probably not." Andrew sounded far too cheerful for someone who was going to spend half of his night in serious discomfort. "He's done it once before," Matt said. "Yeah, last October." Nicky didn't look up from where he was stuffing things into his duffel, but he was grinning as he told his story. "We found out the ERC was going to cut us from the Class I ranks if we didn't stop losing. Coach asked Andrew for a miracle, and Andrew gave us one. He made Coach come up with a number between one and five, and that's how many points he let the other team get before he shut them out. It was probably the most badass thing I've ever seen.” If his words were supposed to make Kevin feel better about Andrew's chances tonight, they achieved the exact opposite. Kevin's face was a thundercloud. "So you'll try," Kevin said through gritted teeth, "because Coach asked you to." Andrew folded his arms across his knees, tilted his head back, and smiled up at Kevin. "Careful, Kevin. Your jealous streak is showing." "For eight months you've told me no. In eight seconds you told him yes. Why?" "Oh, that's easy." Andrew stuffed the last of his gear into his bag and zipped it shut. He slung the bag over his shoulders and got to his feet, standing up so close to Kevin he almost knocked Kevin back a step. "It's just more fun to tell you no. That's what you wanted, right? You wanted me to have fun. I am. Aren't you?" For someone so small, Andrew made a lot of noise when shoved into the lockers. Andrew was laughing as he crashed into the orange metal. Neil didn't know what amused Andrew more: Kevin's violence or the splash of blood that now stained the front of Kevin's shirt. Neil hadn't even seen Andrew take a knife out, but it was “in his hand in the air between them. Kevin retreated from Andrew with a sharp curse. "Jesus, Andrew!" Matt said. "Kevin, are you all right?" "I'm fine." Kevin put a hand to his chest as if checking the truth of his words. Andrew stepped away from the lockers and got in Kevin's space again. He put the edge of the blade against Kevin's chest over his heart and peered up into Kevin's face. Kevin looked more angry than intimidated as he stared back. Matt started toward them, maybe thinking he had to break up round two of their fight. Kevin didn't look away from Andrew when he motioned at Matt to back off. Matt didn't stop until he was within lunging distance. There he waited, still and tense, for one of them to make the wrong move. After he'd gone still, Andrew spoke again. "Kevin, Kevin. So predictable. So pathetic. How about a tip? A reward for all your hard work, or something. Ready? You'll start having more success when you ask for things you can actually have." "I can have this," Kevin said, voice thick with frustration. "You're just being stupid." "I guess we'll see, but don't say I didn't warn you!”

Art used with permission by Rainbowd00dles. Thank you @rainbowd00dles !

[thesweetsimmer111]

Get to know you - Sims Style

Thank you to @rstarsims3 for the tag! 😊 What’s your favorite Sims death? None, I never let my sims die anymore because I get too attached to them 😂

Alpha CC or Maxis Match? I prefer Maxis Match, but I don't mind throwing in a bit of Alpha here and there.

Do you cheat your sims weight? I've only ever made one of my female sims less buff, but she proceeded to get very buff again so I just left her.

Do you move objects? Yes, but mainly just decorations and things like that.

Favorite Mod? I don't really play as much anymore, so it's hard for me to tell but I definitely cannot live without NRaas Mods and LD's Smooth Patch that's for sure.

First Expansion/Game Pack/Stuff Pack? Probably the first EP that I actually wanted was either Generations or Pets, because my mom already had other ones that I wasn't interested in enough to remember (definitely Late Night though, I do remember one time randomly turning one of my mom's families all into vampires when I was like 7 or 8 😂).

Do you pronounce live mode like aLIVE or LIVing? aLIVE.

Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made? My most favorite would be Mari Martinez, who was a gen 3 sim from my old legacy save from a couple years ago that I happened to really like. She went through a few changes though 👀 Left is how she is now and the right is her from the legacy save. The one on the bottom is her and her husband Enzo 🥰

I do love this family right above as well though, I used to play them a lot before and occasionally now 😄 Have you made a simself? I have, my profile pic is actually supposed to be me and my dalmatian dog Disney (who's passed on now). It doesn't really look like me at all though because my sim making skills are pretty bad and even the hair color is too light but you get the general look 😅 Which is your favorite EA hair color? I've always preferred brown hair, but I like any hair color.

Favorite EA hair? I like a lot of hairs, I don't know which one to choose from.

Favorite life stage? Young adult and toddler stage 😄

Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay? I'm actually more in it for the creation of mods hehe, but I do like to just sit and play sometimes, especially in TS2, and I do love building houses but mostly in TS2 as well because it does get a bit frustrating with TS3 and how laggy it can get with the create-a-style tool.

Are you a CC creator? I've made a few things here and there, so I guess so!

Do you have any Simblr friends or a Sim Squad? I have a couple friends, there's definitely a lot of lovely people here as well and if anyone wants to be my friend I'm open to it 😊 Do you have any sims merch? Sadly, no 😔

Do you have a YouTube for sims? I did once upon a time, it was mostly just me sharing my process of creating animations but I kind of just left it. How has your “Sims style” changed throughout your years of playing? When I first started playing probably over a decade ago I just used to create couples and make them have like 5 kids, then kick the kids out when they reached adults then make the couple have more kids and the cycle pretty much never ended 😂 Then I started to play more legacies and tried challenges, but as always I got too attached to my sims and I couldn't continue them. Then I got into making mods and so here I am, I don't really actually play much anymore. Who’s your favorite CC creator? I love most of the stuff from @xiasimla, @sim-songs, @johziii, @nectar-cellar and a few others.

How long have you had Simblr? I think 2 years now? I just used to lurk around and download CC at first but then I decided I wanted to post my things here too 😄

How do you edit your pictures? Sometimes I don't edit them, but if I do I use Photoshop to enhance the vibrance and add in a bit of depth of field. Though I've finally gotten reshade to work now so I probably won't edit them anymore.

What expansion/ gamepack is your favorite? My favorites are Generations, Pets, Seasons, Island Paradise and Master Suite Stuff. I'm sure most people have already done this but if you haven't then I'll tag you! 😄

[purplebowties]

A few thoughts

The past few days in this fandom have been absolutely exhausting, depressing, disappointing and overall frustrating. I do need to get some stuff off my chest, and though I've already said something on Twitter, I want to elaborate further on how much the fandom is absolutely ruing the experience of the show for me.

Firstly, and foremost, I am a longstanding Lestat fan and a Loustat shipper. I do not, in any way, feel the need to apologize for this. However, I do feel extremely uncomfortable right now in the fandom, and I know for a fact I'm not the only one experiencing such emotions. Though by now I hardly ever interact with people on social media, I like reading what fandoms think and how they perceive things. To me, sharing passion and opinions has always been an essential part of the deal of loving a piece of media and, after years of very bad experiences, I truly thought this specific fandom was a safe place. I mainly thought this because I'm very familiar with the books and books canon, and I thought people were entirely prepared for morally corrupt characters and dark, though extremely fascinating, stories and relationships. I understood after episode 5 that this was definitely not the case. I accepted that and tried to move on. But the past few days, ever since it was revealed that Season 3 is planning to cover The Vampire Lestat, have been unbearable. It personally didn't happen to me, cause I hardly ever join discourse, but it hurt to see Lestat's fans shamed and put down, if not totally vilified, for the simple reason they rejoiced in the idea of finally seeing the book adapted and of finally getting Lestat's point of view. Though on one side I get the fact people fear Louis will have a less prominent role, on the other hand, I do feel confident Louis will keep on being a main character. It's been repeatedly stated and confirmed and there are several ways in which Louis can maintain his undeniable importance even in an adaptation of The Vampire Lestat. I also scarcely manage to understand why people did not see this coming: Lestat has been the most important and iconic character of this saga for decades. Furthermore, this is a saga based on the concept of the unreliable narrator: the natural progression of the story is to have Lestat's point of view of the events, in order to get a full picture of them. Lestat was always going to find his way on the main stage and tell us his story. It all fits within the essence of canon.

I do get Lestat can be an uncomfortable character to like or love, and I understand the show is portraying him in a very villainous light. There are several reasons why this choice was made: firstly, Louis and Claudia are unreliable narrators and their memories of Lestat are not necessarily accurate - most of the time, they aren't. Whatever Louis is telling us, it's bound to be a romanticized version of Lestat, and I use the term romanticized to mean that Louis is exaggerating everything about Lestat: because memory works like that; because remembering him in such a flamboyant way makes it easier for him to deal with his own guilt; because in picturing Lestat as a monster, Louis is also protecting his memory of Claudia. It's impossible to know for sure what actually happened between Louis, Lestat, and Claudia right now, because we only have one heavily edited point of view and because the narration has been cut in a half. Not to mention the fact Armand might have a key role in the way Louis remembers and tells things. Armand has the power to manipulate thoughts and memories, and canonically uses it to achieve his goals. It's a dynamic that must and will be explored and could change a lot in the way we perceive Louis' story. This is not, by any means, an attempt to denigrate Armand. I adore Armand. Being a sucker for tragic characters, how can I not love him? But I won't pretend he's a positive character because it fits the narrative of Lestat being the sole and only villain better, especially because it wouldn't be fair to Armand - or to Lestat, or to Louis.

But even with all this put aside and ignored, even if Lestat turns out to be exactly how Louis has depicted him (and it's one hell of an if), people still have the right and the choice to love him. Nothing, absolutely nothing, allows you to judge people and bully them, and shame them, and guilt trap them, over their preference for a fictional character. It's simply not justifiable. Here's a refreshing take: not everybody thinks of fiction as moral guidance. Not everyone needs their favorite characters to be positive, heroic, and ethical. Not everyone wants to see their favorite characters react to trauma (and Lestat carries boulders of it on his back) in healthy and pretty and acceptable ways. Some of us love anti-heroes, anti-villains, or simply villains. In different occasions, and sometimes even in the same moment, Lestat is all of the above. People who love him know it, and love him still - in spite of it or even because of it. That is FINE.

Lestat does not exist. And because he is a fictional character, he can absolutely be redeemed: it only takes a creative choice to do that. It's how fiction works. I do think Lestat will face a long and painful redemption arc, but I also do not see it as an absolute necessity. Redemption arcs are just one possible narrative choice. A character doesn't necessarily need to be redeemed for people to love them, to function better as people or to function better within relationships. Though it might not be the case, Louis and Lestat could choose to be fucked up together. Louis' journey might be a corruption arc. Again, we're too early on in the series to make assumptions about this. Choices will be made regarding this point, and viewers will decide what to do with them.

Which includes feeling uncomfortable watching Lestat. That's legit. Lestat, as I mentioned, is an uncomfortable character, and a rollercoaster of ups and downs. However, though he might be louder and unapologetic and dramatic, he is not the only one in the saga. Every single character in the saga is extremely problematic, tragic, and dark. That obviously includes Louis and Claudia. By refusing to see them as fully rounded characters, by reducing them to the role of tragic victims, by not accepting the possibility that their intentions, their reactions, and their actions might not be one-layered, you end up misinterpreting them and missing out on the satisfying journey that it is to love them with their contradictions, negative impulses, and darkness. This is a story about vampires and vampires are monsters. Rice's vampires especially struggle with their monstrous nature and face existential crises, and that is extremely interesting if explored in the correct manner, which really requires taking off the moral glasses and embracing these stories as the tragedies they are. The Vampire Chronicles are not about who's evil and who's not, they're not even about degrees of evilness. They most certainly aren't about who "deserves" to be with whom, and they are not about who "deserves" redemption. By real-life standards, none of them can be saved, redeemed, or involved in a relationship. This is not, however, real life. This is fiction, fiction about monstrous, semi immortal creatures with supernatural abilities.

So, please do not be mean towards Lestat's fans and Loustat shippers. Please be kind. Please don't try to discipline people over how they are supposed to enjoy fiction. Many of us find escapism in fiction. To many, fictional stories are a happy place - and often the only one. Discussions and different opinions are always welcome, but do not, at any time, give in to the urge of putting people in a corner and accuse them of vile things because they love a certain character or a certain relationship. Everybody is allowed to love and hate, to feel triggered, uncomfortable, or ecstatic and full of passion. Nobody, however, is justified to call people out because of their appreciation of a character. It's fiction. You can enjoy it or not, you can watch it or not, you can criticize it or defend it, analyze it or decide it's just not for you. You do not get to turn fandom, which is supposed to be a safe and welcoming place, into a toxic and suffocating environment.

[dancingskeleton-wishingiwasghost]

Bestie

Disclaimer/edit: This is my first fanfic Ever so please don't be mean. I have never played COD and I have no idea how I ended up in the fandom but I'm here now. Also I typed this on my phone so forgive me for that.

CW: cursing

The silence is... comfortable, all things considered. You, curled up in the corner of the couch with a book you finally have time to read, and Ghost, looking over some papers in the armchair that's seen better days, with a steaming "cuppa" as he likes to call it. You want to tease him about it but well... it's Ghost, your superior and probably the most intimidating person you have ever met and you'd rather not find out the hard way that he doesn't have a sense of humor.

But you two have gotten into a kind of routine where, when there was down time between missions that was just a little too quiet, you'd both end up here in the common area and do your own thing.

So when Soap does a double-take when walking through, asking "Right, what's all this then?," you knew you had to fuck with him.

A glance at Ghost before looking back, "What are you talking about?," sporting a confused look on your face.

"I mean you two hanging out. I've never seen you two together in the same room outside of briefings before."

Back to Ghost and you share a look, hoping your eyes convey that he go along with what you're about to do.

"Of course we'd be hanging out, we're best friends," you give an incredulous look.

"...fuckin' what," Soap gives an incredulous look back.

"Oi! Manage that," Ghost growls.

"Oh fuck you, I was talkin' to Gaz for 5 minutes outside that door and I haven't heard a Sound come out of this room that entire time," Soap says, becoming frustrated.

"That's because our friendship has surpassed the need for words. We're comfortable just being in each other's company," you respond, leaning back into the couch.

"I think you're full of shit 'cause I've never seen you two together or meetin' up except for when necessary," Soap very pointedly says.

"What are you, their mum?" You couldn't be fucking happier that Ghost was going along with this as Soap sends a look his way.

"Yeah! And not that it's any of your business, but we went to karaoke just last week!," bringing the attention back to you.

"Karaoke? Him!? You expect me to believe that?!" You do feel Ghost's stare on the side of your face, probably wondering how you're going to make this in anyway believable.

"Well it's more me singing and him indulging me by coming. He doesn't sing unless I have at least 5 drinks in me but I never remember much afterwards..." trailing off and scrunching up your face, hoping you look like you're trying to remember these made up nights.

Soap glares at you for a moment, trying to find some kind of fault on your face before letting out a sigh.

"Yeah, that actually sounds like something he'd do. Now what was this comment about her mum?" Soap asks, turning towards Ghost.

"I was facetiming her when he came up behind me. Scared the absolute bejeezus out of her enough for her to scold him. When he was finally able to get an apology in she started asking questions as if this was school and not the military! All 'how're they doing?' and 'they getting along with the other soldiers?' It was mortifying! I might as well not have been there the way she was talking. And then- oh and Then! She asked for His number! Can you believe that?!" You deserve a fucking oscar the way you have Soap's attention over this performance.

"'S not my fault she likes me better. Says I'm a delight." The mask gives nothing away but the look in his eyes tell you he's having the time of his life, his arms over the back of the armchair, looking more relaxed than you've ever seen him.

"Oh now I Know you're fucking with me. No offense Ghost but you're about as delightful as steppin' on a pinecone barefoot!" Soap practically spits at him.

"'S not what her mum thinks. She even sent me some treacle tarts."

"She sent you treacle tarts?! She doesn't even make me those!," you get in before Soap can say anything. Never mind that she's never made them before. Ghost gives a shrug while Soap looks back and forth between the two of you, looking like he's trying to grasp at straws.

"Bu-but you're American! You've even said before that both your parents are American!"

"And my mom could have travelled and decided she wanted to have them for the rest of her life after trying them once, you ever think of that? And really? 'I'm American' is the best you can come up with?," you give a pitying look.

"This mean you believe us then? That we're best mates?" Ghost interjects in his gruff voice. Actually hearing him actively going along with the bit and not just throwing in a line or two while you ramble gets your heart racing for some reason. You hope it doesn't show on your face.

"Hell no, do you see that look on their face?!"

Fuck.

"That's because this is the first time I've ever heard him say it and I'm trying not to get emotional, don't ruin this for me," you have no idea where that came from but you barely know what you're saying any this point, "Anyways, as much as I would love to keep listening to you doubt the validity and integrity of Ghost's and my friendship, I have this thing I need to get to that starts riiiight abouut," looking over Soap's shoulder at the clock, "now, at anywhere else but here. So I'm gonna get going. Ghost, you coming?," you ask getting off the couch. You actually feel your heart drop to your ass when he actually gets up too, gathering his things.

Soap's eyes are impossibly wide as he watches the both of you make your way out, flabbergasted. And it is taking everything inside of you to keep yourself neutral, but there's just.. one last thing you have to say before you leave.

"Honestly, I'm really disappointed in you. Acting like we'd do this as a bit just to mess with you. For shame, Soap, for shame. After you," a small smile slips as you hold the door open for Ghost. He nods his head in thanks and, dare you say, almost saunters out.

Soap's eyes widen further and shouts, "Hey!," but the door's already closed.

You and Ghost walk in silence for a period until you're sure you're far enough away.

"You think that last bit was too much?," genuinely curious to how he'll respond.

"I think it was just enough for him to question if the entire thing was a sham or not. He'll be scratchin' his head for weeks after this," his low voice giving away the smirk that's in there. You both stop and look at each other for a pause before you dissolve into a fit of giggles.

"I have - never Seen - Soap look so mad before!," you manage to gasp out, clutching your sides as you fall against the wall, "Oh my God I wonder how long I could have kept that up for! Thank you for going along with me."

"Are you kidding? That's gonna be putting a smile on my face for the next month." And that sends you into another fit, doubling over almost sending you to the ground. Entirely missing the quiet chuckle he lets out.

"I think we could milk this out for another week. What say you? Wanna keep the bit going?," he sticks out his hand, his eyes more playful than you ever knew they could be, that you completely forget to be surprised at his question. A grin creeps up onto your face and you give his hand an enthusiastic shake, wholly ready to commit to the bit.

"Bestie, I think we can make it 2."

[papermonkeyism]

Finished my first re-read of this book in twenty years. (original name Homeland, this is the Finnish edition.)

And yup, this sure is a thirty year old book. I don't know why I feel kinda disappointed, I knew exactly what I was getting into. It was somehow both not as bad as I remembered while also being in a way worse than I expected.

But nah, they're just evil. Grinning maliciously and taking unholy pleasure in being evil.

It's kinda frustrating read, to be honest. The story in itself isn't all that bad, I'd say, but it's hindered pretty bad by being based entirely on DnD mechanics, specifically the alignment system. Like, the story in itself makes sense, it tells about dark elves, who basically live in a cult, and the protagonist who's born into it, but will eventually abandon it and leave.

But instead of actually examining what living in a cult would be like, they're just evil. Maybe it's just my perspective, being someone who's been on the internet for a couple decades. I know people who come from abusive bacgrounds, and I've heard stories from people who've survived actual cults, and it would make perfect sense to treat the drow as a cult, except with their god being actually real and actively meddling with their lives to make the brain washing just that much worse. There's a lot of potential in there!

Like the main character is raised from the very start being indoctrinated in the spider cult, there's even a scene where he gets whipped (with a multi-headed magic whip made of living snakes) at the age of four or five for daring to look happily at a woman while being a child of inferior sex, yet he never acts like this kind of raising left any marks in the way he behaves. No trauma at all, what so ever. He keeps being openly surprised by his people not being nice to each other despite the book telling how he was raised to know his place. The guy has no self-preservation at all, he keeps wondering out loud at people with the power to hurt him and I just keep wincing so bad.

He somehow just speed runs his thirty years of life in life lessons in the last few days of the book. Like, you were raised into this your whole life, yet you're only learning all of it now?

(and why do you keep calling it "unholy" all the time, it's the only religion you've ever known. Also that one time he openly gasped about the unholiness at his sister, who's an entire priestess, and her reaction was along the lines of "yeah, but she's the goddess of our people", like why are you agreeing with him about the unholyness?!)

Honestly, you could very easily just rewrite the whole book, keep all the story beats as is, and take out the "always evil by default" racial setting without losing pretty much anything. You'd probably still need to keep the gods as real, physical entities the way they are, but it'd still make it a lot more beliveable.

I have much gripe about the tone of this book, apparently.

I mean, I do like some of the tropes it has, not gonna lie. More prominently in the later books, but still. There's a reason Drizzt was the favourite character of teenage me twenty years ago, and it's been so weird revisiting this story after all this time. I'm still having many mixed feelings here. Multiple emotions even. I don't even know what they are, but they sure are many.

Though, you know what's the worst thing? I am notoriously bad when it comes to names, I have some serious trouble learning and remembering even people I live with for extended periods of time. I can't name most of my old classmates despite them being people I spent 3+ years with, and it once took me over three months to learn the name Paula despite being such a simple and common belonging to one of my closest friends at the time. I'm bad with names. So why is it that I can still remember things like fucking Daermon N'a'shezbaernon, that's an absolute monster of a name, and I haven't thought about it for a single second in the past two decades, why the fuck do I still remember that one???!?

Anyway, onwards to the next book!

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia

Just to be clear, will the old version of Fae Tales remain available on ao3 or will it be replaced with the newer edited versions?

I'd appreciate knowing so I'll know whether to download the older versions before their replaced.

Thanks x

Hi anon,

I've talked about this a lot over the years. But basically I have actually edited and tweaked all of my stories many times over the years firstly, so that's a thing that does happen and it's worth backing up versions (if you want to keep the typos and some of the continuity errors x.x)

Secondly, I will save the 'references to SAL' version of Game Theory, so that this version is always available. I'm still on the fence about whether I'll make the AO3 version fully original, I always said that I would, but that was before I made the decision to actually try publishing, and now I think I could probably keep both.

However, even if I do that, I get a lot of people saying they find Game Theory confusing - why was Augus defeated? What did he do wrong? What's the difference between Seelie and Unseelie fae? Etc. etc. Questions that got answered in SAL for some, and certainly get addressed in COFT and TIP, never get addressed in GT, and that's kind of an issue for a free serial that is meant to help people get interested in my writing.

Some people overcome that (or have no issue with it), but it really is the biggest barrier to folks picking up the series.

In that sense, I have considered adding extra scenes, and also removing the scenes that have been completely OOC for over 8+ years, like Gwyn masturbating early on in GT, or the spanking scene later on. Neither one fits Gwyn's character, and it's very quickly established after that - and then maintained for almost a decade afterwards - that they really don't fit his character.

Those inconsistencies might be charming for some, but they're actually really frustrating for me! I haven't been able to reread Game Theory for enjoyment for like 4+ years because of it.

So, will I fix those things to make GT have decent continuity of character and add new scenes to GT on AO3? Maybe. Will I keep the references to SAL? Maybe! This one's more likely, especially for the folks - the many of us - who love fanfiction and love AO3 and came to GT (including me) from fanfiction. There's always a transitional story for people who need it.

My biggest stumbling blocks are the character continuity issues.

Also for those who probably don't know, I've made some actually pretty big edits to SAL for character continuity re: Gwyn and Augus. Augus, in particular, has had some major reworking in that story (like 4-5 years ago).

Every single one of my stories gets edited over time, especially if I do rereads. Most don't get new scenes, but like... oof I'd say there's about 2000 extra words on Gwyn and Augus in SAL, and I remember I did an edit about 6 years ago which easily removed about 12,000 words.

No one's ever brought it up, so ideally the edits felt smooth and just made the reading process more enjoyable.

But yeah if you want old versions of anything I write, anon, save/download them.

But if I make big structural changes (removing scenes / removing chapters), I will make a back-up copy myself and host it on Dropbox or something for folks to download going forwards. But hopefully they try the edited version too :)