#this is actually so detrimental to my language learning that I think I'm going to have to look for other free french courses instead

[scribblingface]

duolingo just updated the browser version to also make you lose hearts for making mistakes 😒

[crowroboros]

!!! Opinions on: Leo

Weo Avawez (Echo VN spoilers ahead)

Also known as "the character whose route hooked me on this VN". So initially, I didn't really think much of Leo at all. I was too focused on wondering what is up with Flynn to be too invested in Leo during the initial meeting and a sizable chunk of the prologue. He was built up to be the typical hunky furry wolf love interest — not that there is anything wrong with that — and I really wasn't too interested in the romantic aspect of the VN going into it.

And this is why you should always keep an open mind! Because when the fact that Chase and Leo are exes was revealed it made their dynamic and the tension between them significantly more interesting. Between the bracelet with Chase's name on it, his enthusiasm about the group getting together again, and the conversation after the trip to Southwest Adventures I realized that the Echo team was cooking something up with Chase and Leo's story.

I did Carl's route first, so I didn't get much Leo beyond that. But then I did Leo's route and oh boy this fucking wolf's character arc had me hooked. Despite being a Carl route defender, it really was Leo's route that cast out the anchor (hahahahah) that locked Echo VN in my mind permanently.

I'm not a Leo hater, I kind of like the guy actually. Yes, his fur is the color of the warning flags all around him. Yes, his obsession with Chase is very creepy at times. If I knew him in real life before the events of Echo, I'd definitely be pretty put off if I knew about his behavior. BUT the growth he sees in Jenna's route and his own route (good ending of course) is really nice to see. If he continues that growth, then I think he'd be a pretty fucking great guy. I'm a big fan of this short little comic about how Leo and Chase grow after the events of Leo's good ending. It's canon to me.

One of the most captivating things about Leo and his relationship with Chase throughout the story is the fact that these two were best friends for most of their lives. Leo, Chase, and Jenna were ride or die for most of their childhoods with the others coming in shortly after. Chase and Jenna helped Leo learn English and had him around to play and have fun despite almost everyone else in Echo pushing him away because of the language barrier. And then Leo and Chase began dating and then unfortunately they both began isolating themselves from the rest of their friends to be with each other. AND THEN THEY BREAK UP. And it makes the end of his good ending that much more bittersweet cause Chase says it himself, Leo was his best friend and now they might never even see each other again. And that thought hurts so much more than the break up itself.

The two of them didn't just lose a romantic partner but someone who shaped and defined who they are. They lost someone they knew for a majority of their time being alive. And it isn't like they're forced apart, they have to drop each other because being around the other is actively detrimental to both of them. That's fucking painful. His good ending tore my damn heart out.

I'm a Leo fan, I guess. Not because of Leo himself per say, as in who he is as a person, but because of his arc and purpose to the narrative. His character is one of the most interesting in the VN to me and I can't stop thinking about him whenever someone brings up the VN.

[halliescomut]

Love Sea Ep 6 Post-watch Thoughts

- Overall, I think this was a really good episode. There was a lot that happened. Story was moving super quickly but it was good. It was entertaining. I liked it. I might get somewhat confused on actual timeline chain of events, but it's fine.

- We do kind of pick up where we left off where they're shopping in the mall for new clothes for Mut, and we see a little bit more of compromise happening between the two of them.

- I like the storyline that revolves around Mut calling P'Vi to ask about Prin and us learning more about both who print is, but also through the course of showing those conversations we learn more about who Mut is, which is the more important part. I think us as the viewer who are seeing all sides of this would forgive Mut for prying into Rak's history, but I think it's important that Mut recognizes that it's important for Rak to be able to tell his own story.

- Short intermission to apologize for the misinformation from my episode 5 post. Prin is Rak's cousin, their mothers are sisters. I wasn't paying attention to the actual words being spoken, and I'm pretty sure she just called Rak 'Hia', which in Thai is translated to mean older brother but is really a title/ term for older males, generally family members, though not always. It is also important to note that in this case she's using it almost sarcastically and so it doesn't actually indicate the level of affection that its use in everyday Thai life would indicate. I will comeback and link a language post about the term hia and other common Thai words here.... eventually.

- I was kind of surprised to learn that Rock's father is straight up just a paid man, a gigolo. I thought they were using the concept more as a euphemism and that he was more along the lines of like a gold digger. That's not to say there's anything wrong with that line of work, but it's very clear through his behavior that he was using it to manipulate Rak's mother as well as probably multiple other women. I'm not necessarily surprised to find out that there was an aspect of physical abuse, to go with the emotional that was happening. I do have an appreciation for how it was presented. And when I mean by that is while we did see like a flashback Mame didn't have a child actor act out that abuse. We are learning now that having young children even talented actors who are very young act out those kinds of situations is detrimental to them even if they're not necessarily aware of it. So the small snippet we got was fairly vague and while we do see the younger version of Rak crying with the wound, he's not having to act out the actual act of abuse and I think that's a good thing.

- I was excited when we got the preview last week that we were going to see and meet Kom directly, and we do get to hear Connor but we don't get to meet him and I'm not sure if we will or not but I would like to. One thing I appreciated specifically about the conversation between Kom and Mut is that you can tell Kom doesn't think Mut is stupid, but he also knows him well enough to know how soft-hearted he is and you can tell. He's worried that this is a case of him kind of picking up strays in a way. He's concerned that Mut doesn't see the slippery slope, and wants to protect him.

- I think the jealousy, storyline or story beats more accurately are interesting because we saw references to jealousy in the last episode, but here it's much more direct. Why? I think they're interesting is kind of how they end up being handled. Rak doesn't want to admit to himself that he's jealous because he knows that's basically a confirmation that he truly likes Mut and that it's more than just the agreement and it's more than just sex, so he wants to pretend that he's not jealous at all and so he kind of swings in like the other direction of trying to be nonchalant, which doesn't truly succeed. Mut Is kind of toning down his jealousy or attempting to kind of because he doesn't want to come on too strong. He's already been very direct about his feelings for Rak, but he's still holding back a lot of the time because he doesn't want to push too hard too quickly. It makes the scene of them getting into bed and Rak cuddling against Mut more amusing but also endearing. In the end they're both getting what they want, but neither wants to truly admit it. (Also Rak's grumpy nonverbal direction to Mut was just flat out adorable)

- Bringing the niece into things was fun. The actress is very adorable. I do think we're playing a little bit too much into the precociousness trope and the niece being treated a little bit too much too much like an adult. And this is not necessarily horrible, but it's an easy pitfall for a lot of storytellers. I recognize that every kid is different, there are plenty of kids who get talked to and treated like adults, but just because a child is very smart and can understand more mature subject matters, even vague ones, it's on the adults to maintain the appropriate level of maturity. So basically just because she can understand what their arrangement is, I don't think Mut or Rak should have been as blunt about it as they were, and I also feel like they encourage that behavior rather than shutting it down, which I think would have been the more appropriate tactic.

- In relation to that, I did like how Mut more offered his services in terms of picking up the niece (whose name I've forgotten, sorry) rather than just asserting that he would do it. Both Mut and Rak have histories with unstable homes, so they do want to be decision makers, have control, but Mut recognizes that putting the choice in front of Rak and letting him decide is important to building the trust between them. You can also see in the acting in this scene, the way. Fort and Peat look at each other and portray the characters, that Rak is recognizing that Mut has an awareness of the seriousness of the situation and how much Rak's family means to him. Rak understands that Mut is willing to do the task, but also that he's committed to making sure the niece is safe because she matters to Rak, and by proxy matters to him.

-I'm kind of done with P'Vi as a love interest for Mook at this point because of the lying storyline. Besides being unnecessary, because Vi could just confess to Mook her feelings, those types of lies sit wrong with me because I'm from a superstitious family. You're setting yourself up for the universe to make your lie a truth. But I truly think nothing would be lost if Vi had simply come to Mook and explained that she's lonely and that she wants company, even if she's too scared to confess her true feelings. That's an emotion and a feeling that's pretty much universal and that Mook would be able to sympathize with and I think would be more willing to be company to Vi because she's being honest.

-We did get a short little spicy bit towards the end of the episode, which was kind of nice after them being basically cockblocked the whole ep. It was short, so there's not a lot to read from it, but there was a level of playfulness, especially on Rak's part that we haven't really seen before, and I think it bodes well.

-Sidenote question for ppl who read the Love Sea or Love Sand novels- we're given the implication that Connor and Tongrak might have had a sexual relationship in the past. And I say implication because what Conner says as far as the subtitles is, "who do you think hugged him at night when he had writer's block??" Which given what we know about Rak's writing process, would lead you to believe that he's not talking about them just cuddling in bed. So is there, in the novel, clear confirmation that they were in fact in a sort of friends with benefits situation before Conner met Kom? I'm just curious because this isn't a subject that Mame has delved into before, at least not in her shows, so I'm curious.

As far as the preview for next episode, I am excited to see Boss and Noeul in what appears to be a weird twist of them playing themselves in a way, but I think it's fun. Another visit from Prin and I'm assuming a clearer idea of whatever it is she's after.

I think that's all for now. As I stated at the top I thought this was a really good episode. I thought it was excellently paced, to be honest, which is something that Mame struggles with sometimes. I think as far as seasonal pacing, we're doing pretty well as far as things being fairly reasonable and realistic in terms of the level of emotional intimacy. The lack of clarity in the timing made it feel like Mut and Rak were becoming too comfortable emotionally too quickly, especially in episodes 2 & 3, so it's good to see things a bit more even this last couple episodes.

[ladydeath-vanserra]

yeah see seeing all these ✨️city people✨️ and people with a lot of privilege and classism routinely calling rural iowans (SPECIFICALLY iowans) 'hicks' makes me angry and it makes me sad

we're not fucking STUPID. and a lot of the "stupidity" is often intentionally CREATED by making sure our schools are underfunded without access to proper education to build critical thinking skills and proper RESEARCH skills and limited access to news outside of newspapers and fox news. it's intentional. it's by design.

Educated rural folks who have the luxury (yes LUXURY and PRIVILEGE) to go to college to get educated LEAVE the areas where they could be the most beneficial for change and making communities diverse and more progressive and it furthers right wing, republican agendas by keeping people without access to resources and desperate and angry with the wrong people

"well you have access to the internet" yeah and the internet is full of misinformation and a lot of people are not taught how to look for credible sources or websites or how to look at biased language in writing so they ARE more susceptible to propaganda via fox News and the internet. you know what the internet also has? targeted ads and algorithms making sure you keep seeing the same kind of content and people who don't know DON'T know

however a lot of practical skills? knowledge that isn't BOOK SMART? I know plenty and they're so, so, so smart. but all I see from liberals and leftists is the refusal to use layman and simplified terms and "um! actually you need to educate yourself ☝🏻" and use unnecessarily difficult phrases

you say "defund the police" and people hear "be lawless and have no safety networks to prevent crime" instead of trying to find less #edgy slogans for what you ACTUALLY mean

you don't know what you don't know and calling us fucking hicks and ignorant isn't helping anyone. Tumblr was my first experience outside of Facebook where I learned about asexuality? it Didn't have an algorithm so I'll was able to be immersed in different cultures and view points

I'm not trying to make excuses for anyone being in rural Iowa for being hateful or racist or queerphobic but after living in the city for the last few years, I still see the same shit. it's just less covert in rural Iowa and in your face and I see leftists and liberals using their proximity to cities, and the problems in rural america as a Shield for their own bigoted and hateful behavior

I remember being on Tumblr, slowly inching into the queer community spaces, bec I wasn't used to online spaces, i was too poor at the time to have access to computers [2013+] and I came across the terms "trans man" and "trans woman" and I thought that meant a someone assigned male at birth who was trans and identified as a woman was called a 'trans man' bec I didn't know the terminology or how it was supposed to be used. I didn't know "transsexual" was considered a slur and I got attacked online for accidently using the wrong terminology because I couldn't remember the term transgender

I was from rural Iowa, a notoriously white, cis het area, fairly religious area, without a lot of access to the internet so I just. didn't know. and then i was afraid of ever saying anything again or asking questions. pls for the love of God use discernment and don't immediately vilify and attack well meaning people for not knowing what they don't know. that is EXACTLY how you can prevent people from ever being willing to grow and become educated

I remember watching the movie "Boys Don't Cry" with my mom about Brandon Teena, a trans man, and we both didn't know enough or understand enough about trans people we were unintentionally misgendering him when we talked about it but we both were so empathetic and heart broken for him

rural people I know are Prideful! they're constantly working to make ends meet and they have pride in themselves and their communities, often to the point it's at their own detriment and republican law makers KEEP it that way and rely on the classism and anger and diversion to keep it that way

a yt rural American in Appalachia is going to have more in common with a black American living in the city in the Projects more than we ever will with upper class yt folks. the wealthy yt #liberals will mock us and call us fucking stupid and ignorant and get in their own way of wanting any kind of progression. it! is never! black and white!!! PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BE KIND

why do you think rural Republicans don't trust the government? couldn't possibly have anything to do with the government IGNORING us or preying on poor folks who live paycheck to paycheck. of COURSE it makes sense they'd be leery about government wide programs. the government DOESNT CARE ABOUT US. and most rural "Republicans" I know aren't even republican. they don't have the time to invest in politics when we have to Work and can't Miss Work to go vote or find ways around road blocks.

most people don't know enough and vote for people they know and most don't Know democrats or their policies or their progressive goals and you know WHY that often happens? BECAUSE DEMOCRATS IGNORE THEM IN FAVOR OF CITIESSSSS. they call them STUPID and IGNORANT and can you really blame people for "not voting in their best interest" when the people who "care about their best interest" are people calling them stupid and ignorant and HICKS

I've been around Republicans in the city and Republicans in rural Iowa and if you look and listen close enough the *reasoning* for their racism (especially) tends to differ. racism is a social construct (that does NOT mean it isn't real or not important) and it was used specifically as a tool to create tension and a divide between the poor yt folks and the poc *by* yt, wealthy capitalists. the Irish were finally allowed to be #white bec they were identifying with the struggles of the marginalized folks being targeted just like THEY were in Ireland by Europe

the cold hatred I have seen from rural Republicans vs city, wealthy Republicans has been vastly different. don't get me wrong there are plenty of rural Republicans that are just as disgusting (I'm related to some lmao). often a lot of racism i see from rural folks is tied to anger and desperation from the lack of jobs and its designed that way. a lot of the racism from yt wealthy folks is tied to greed and wealth and capitalism. Donald Trump is a blaring example of an unchecked, racist, vile, classist man

I'm sorry I've had a REALLY bad week and living in a city with people who are so self centered and selfish and refuse to help has only made me miss home and despite all of the raging issues of rural america, I know a lot of kind and well meaning people who are just doing their best and willing to help you because we fucking know the government doesn't care about us

just. be kind. you don't know what you don't know and I think a lot of well meaning people shouldn't be getting attacked for it. empathy and grace should be given (when able) and people should be allowed to grow from innocent ignorance and mistakes

intersectionality and empathy and grace are so important and honestly rural america can be really beautiful and it really sucks to see it given up on in such a cruel way

I follow a person on tiktok who really embraces the idea of radical love and I think more people should too

[german-enthusiast]

Hey Felix so I’ve been trying to self study German but it’s been very hard. My brain can’t let go of Spanish of when I took it in Highschool and college. I was taking Spanish because I wanted to use it in order to translate but I never had any interest in it. So I decided to try and learn German since I’ve had somethings I like about it. It also has connection to English. I know it’s not easy but I’m really struggling to retain anything I’ve gone over. I remember more of Spanish than I do of anything in German. It’s sad and frustrating. I guess what I’m trying to ask is, is there a way I can rid my knowledge of Spanish? Because trying to learn the genders in German as well as the cases is hard,and all my mind thinks on is Spanish 🙄 I know studying is the way but my focus is so off.

Hiii!

Oof, I hear ya! Previous languages getting in the way is not uncommon, i especially always thinking of the Dutch "dus" when actually meaning "donc" when trying to produce French sentences!

It sounds like English is your native language and besides that you've only learned Spanish?

I think there are probably two main things I can say:

1) Every language you learn, no matter how far, is strengthening your knowledge of linguistics and languages and WILL help you with the next language!

2) Having studied Spanish in high school and college, it's not surprising that it wins over your brain in language learning contexts! My brain often goes via French when working on Spanish.

A little more of an "issue" in your brain going English -> Spanish ?->? German (compared to mine: German -> French -> Spanish) is that English and German are Germanic languages, whereas France and Spanish are Romance languages. But that's rather an inconvenience than truly detrimental!

Idk how far along you are with German and how much Spanish you still practice simultaneously, but the main thing, as you said, will probably be more German input and practice — that doesn't have to be much, a German comic panel every day or listening to German songs will already make it more prominent in your brain :)

You ask about ridding yourself of Spanish but I think that is not necessary at all! Maybe you can embrace it? When you notice yourself slipping into Spanish, take the time to write down the Spanish you know and then (maybe later when you have the energy) figure out the German version for it. Or write vocab mind maps including both the Spanish and the German words for things!

I'm currently reading a book about Translanguaging in classroom settings (making use of ALL of one's language skills and knowledge instead of separating them by language) and it's making me see multilingual students in a new light, making their mulitlinguality a tool instead of a possible distraction!

I'm also wanting to look more into chunks (expressions and sets of commonly together-occurring words like "I don't know" or "I think that") and how to make good use of them in language learning!

Maybe lots of your Spanish is chunks you use as scaffolding for language production (for example, it feels like 90% of my French sentences start with "Je pense que...") — then perhaps it might help to internalize the German equivalent to make it easier to jump-start a German sentence instead!

Since you talk about Genders as well — learning multiple gendered languages is hard, don't underestimate the difficulty that everyone (not just you!) experiences there! If you haven't yet, check out the Gender-probability rules of German (i posted about them not too long ago)!

For cases, I suggest lots of input and practicing with verbs that take specific objects (I'll post about this soon i think but feel free to text me if you're interested!) — cases are HARD, especially for native speakers of languages that don't use them at all!

I hope I could give a little perspective and help at least a little bit!

Feel free to send more questions (via ask or via DM)!! I love talking about German and language learning 🥰

[ikuzeminna]

Hi! How did you learn to read Japanese? If I'm not wrong that you do, is the Japanese depiction of the GW characters' personalities different from their Western depictions?

Hey! Learning how to read Japanese is definitely an adventure in and of itself. For me, I had learned how to read and write hiragana and katakana from the Yoshida Institute’s site long before smartphones existed, along with a few kanji. I would use hiragana for my cheat sheets at school. (Yes, I learned a whole different alphabet just to cheat at history and geography instead of simply studying for my exams like a sensible person, even though I realized it was way more effort. I'm not exactly smart.) I started learning kanji properly years later with the kanji learning app Japanese Kanji Study, which I can't recommend enough, then took a brief language course and then accidentally ended up studying Japanese in college for 1.5 years, which is where I learned all my beginner's grammar (みんなの日本語 anyone?) and, as is totally apt for a beginner, hentaigana.

It’s funny when you can't string five sentences together without issue, but can make out Nobunaga's scribbling, something many natives are incapable of. Great, balanced education you thought up there, folks.

At least I got a laugh out of one Ranma ½ episode where Ranma found Kuno’s journal entry and couldn’t read it because of course that doofus would write it in the most archaic manner possible. 

Anyway, as far as reading aids go, I’m just gonna plug everything I’ve used over the years for anyone interested. The Firefox extension 10ten reader has been a lifesaver, as has been Jisho. When it comes to comprehension, Google translate is dog crap. I’d recommend Papago, which must have been trained specifically on East Asian languages as the results are much better. Not perfect, but better in my experience. Google translate has long incorporated OCR (image to text) so it may be less useful, but I’m very fond of the no-install Capture2Text which can convert manga speech bubbles to text, provided the scans are clean enough to read the kanji.

For grammar, I stuck to Minna No Nihongo. Bought all the books and slowly work through the lessons now.

The most valuable asset though is having a fluent or native speaker you can ask. Nuance is impossible to grasp if no one explains it to you. Even with vocab, you’ll run into plenty of words with the same meaning. Dictionaries often don’t distinguish in those cases. Having someone you can ask makes learning a lot easier.

Now for the Gundam Wing part of your question.

I’m not exactly sure what you mean by Japanese and Western depictions, or rather who you mean. If we’re talking official sub vs. dub then yes, there are a few differences. Heero isn’t perpetually constipated in the original (he actually has a sense of humor!) and Duo is a lot less flirty than his dub version. But it’s nothing grave. Certainly not Seto Kaiba levels of the dub rewriting his character to make him rant about not believing in destiny every time he opens his mouth.

Or Saber Rider being the leader of the Star Sheriffs. wtf I grew up with a lie D:<

Now, if you’re referring to fandom spaces, I am, without a doubt, the wrongest person to ask as I have never seen what the Japanese Wing fandom is up to and have never really been in touch with what the West is doing either. Have I seen fanfics and do I know 1x2 is the most popular ship? Yes. Have I spent 10 minutes looking at a manga panel, trying to figure out what is going on, only to hit the back button as fast as I could once I did? To the detriment of my poor eyes, yes. But when it comes to fandom differences, I think @muwi-translates could give you a proper answer. I can’t really say much as I’m not involved in the fandom in a way that lets me know such things.

I just sit here in my bubble, talking to myself most of the time.

[seoafin]

i’m gonna be a nasty lil nerd and geek out about the fic okay i’m on vacation rn n i feared if i left it for when i came back home i would forget. SO ur insane actually sooooooo crazy for writing that like i’m willling to check u into a mental hospital for putting me through all of that. (it was amazing please never stop) can i tell u my lil ripmc headcannon it doesn’t have to be true and please feel free to ignore if u hate it but i kinda hc that she can read a cursed objected history or take important information from it. i’m unaware if you’ve delved deeper into her techinque ik she uses the katana n idk i think it would be kinda cool if she realized that technique n decided to get proficient with the katana maybe as a way to raise her value as a sorcerer in the eyes of the higher ups n fight curses with the collected information she learned from them in her fighting style with her katana! sorry if like hc stuff about ur if’s is annoying and please feel free to ignore i just thought it’d be kinda cool! like making her super powered up i feel like would clash a bit with geto n gojo but making her just interesting enough a nice puzzle piece to fit in between them she’s capable of understanding an objects entire history but incapable of reading between the lines that her two best friends wanna do the nasty. also i love love love the way you’ve written ripmc n her view in love and relationships i relate so much to it. i’ve tried verbalizing it to myself but end confusing myself even more and i just really loved the simple way in which you explained that she simply loves geto gojo n shoko n all the kids of course. like i have some trouble dissecting the difference between romantic love and platonic love but i just know i have so much of it to give even tho i don’t see love as a huge huge part of my life? we’re u interested in writing ripmc with any hints of aromance or pansexuality in the mind? idk just so cool all around!!!! also the first chapter with her and geto cooking was so fucking wrenching because u do so well the thing where they look at her and they’re clearly mad and they know they’re mad and she’s just apologetic for existing n they’re just fed up and there’s so much unsaid in the quiet of it all n in between all those stolen glances it makes me wanna rip my heart into two. ALSO just the way you wrote rip mc with geto cooking n then gojo n her touching like i feel like you incorporated their love languages so beautifully woah man woahhh. last thing loved the guilt tripping from the children it was awesome i felt like an absentee father who didn’t go see her childrens recital or smt 10/10 recommend. ALSO ALSO megumi is sooooooo possesive of ripmc he is such an adorable lil jealous brat i love how it makes gojo spiral n wish he could revert back in age so he could cuddle up to her and hold her hand ughhhhh🤯

ahhhhhh!!! you can honestly project and imagine whatever you want onto rip!mc she's meant to be written that way!!! but yes haha if you know me then you probably im a very big proponent of having platonic and romantic love overlap. to me there's no clear boundary that marks romantic from platonic vice versa and i don't really think it's something to be necessarily distinguished as different. love is love you know. but also imo our western constructs of romantic love vs platonic love works to our detriment. it places too much of a heavy burden on a partner to fulfill all your emotional needs and emphasizes romantic fulfillment over platonic fulfillment when ideally you should have both! anyway I went off on a tangent lmfao. In the end love is love and rip!mc sees that. no matter how many people you love or how you love. I am sooo looking forward to actually writing mimiko and nanako past a few lines. I know I mainly focus on megumi but all the kids are very precious!!! as I said before you can definitely read rip!mc as pansexual/aromantic (which other ppl have also hc'd her) thank you for reading I'm glad you enjoyed it!!!

[ennaku-sirri-da]

TAMIL BOTCHES HEADCANONS!!!!! (AU)

( Plaintext: Tamil botches headcanons!!!)

Because EVERYONE.

[ ID: Closeup of Jimothan Botch from Smile For Me the game's moustache. It is large and curling upwards. End ID]

YOU TELLING ME THIS MOUSTACHE ISNT SOUTH INDIAN!?😭( sobbing emoji)

( Plaintext: You telling me this moustache isnt south indian!?😭( sobbing emoji) )

--

VANNAKA.....No one says that informally XD (laughing emote) so ..instead...

Hiiii Machi!

Eppa ennadu kadhaia kellunga! ( Now, hear my story!)

OK, first of all, Jimothan Botch isn't ACTUALLY his birth name. He changed it. Why, you ask? Well he watched a crapton of Westerns in the theatres of Chennai in his youth, roaming about with his gang. He was so impressed with those rope-slingin' cowboys, he EVOLVED INTO..

JIMOTHAN "BIG BADONKERHONKEROS" BOTCH

He thought it was cool OKAY?!!!

As for Parsley well it all went wrong when they named the dog Senthilkumaran and him Parsley. Whoops! Can't change what the dog answers to. It's a Kanni breed. His Mom really likes the silly name too so it sticks.

[ ID: Photo of a brown and black Kanni dog, a sighthound breed that is very lanky and long with a curving stomach and elongated snout. End ID]

I like to think that's like the dog in that one ingame poster but HEJDGG

Either way the dog keeps appearing around the Habiticians even if they're in different places, suspiciously before significant events, like an omen. It remains to be seen if Tim Tam and their "shortcuts"( AKA TELEPORTING) is somehow involved in this.

On account of Parsley continuing to be a difficult child for Jim to raise though, for his shark-like biters, explosive hellfire surge Moments( due to demonic heritage on his Mama's side ) as well as his thieving tendencies etc-- He calls Pars "Rowdy Ranga" sometimes, MY MOM CALLS ME THAT LMAOOOOOO

Since his Mom's a Carnivorous Ungulate Monsterthing I think it'd be SO SWEET if she called him like " attukutti " in rare affectionate moments. That means " goat kid" :] ( smile emote)

--

Yeah, Parsley had it kind of Rough too. His Mom( I'm still figuring out her 'human' name. Her real one would make mortal's tongues go mad twisting in their mouths trying to form a language they were never meant to speak ) and Dad( or "Appa" HEEHE. Hes just a. Guy. Who coincidentally keeps crushing for vampires and demons I GUESS ) really fell into a disaster of a time raising him. They could never agree on what he should do, how he should be raised, where he should go, what to learn...

An example of that is that his Mom is Extremely Stern, being a prosecutor in The Underworld Court and stuff where things are generally corrupt and sometimes draconian. She's been trying to make a change in it, and that requires that sort of strength. Jim, though, Jim is casual and forgiving to the point where his kid later grows up to be a callous ( and packed with guilt for it. You know whats in that ham's suitcase? Baggage. ) sort, having spent much time with him.

So yeah, his parents split( though they were not married), and Pars' core of self hatred due to it never quite heals fully.

--

I'm kind of getting off course but BACK TO IT

But yeah Parmesan Bunches does a lot of stuff ( forgery of papers, still stealing stuff, lying whenever, procrasinating for extremely long times to everyone's detriment, bribing etc...TBH it's not like EXTREMELY bad stuff. It's just that taking this route a lot causes problems anyway, and in this case gives him low self- confidence ) that'd make his parents Displeased in the process of trying to build his own identity through all that turmoil and be independent for himself, though he buckles under his own pressure as well. Sure he's winning every case he takes on through the shady means. But at what cost??

He's got Enemies. And Mom's one of them.

[ This is all still W.I.P BTW so as I get more info things may change!]

Jimothan at most shows his disappointment and expecting an apology through a tried and true tradition.....

"No earthquake felt in my house. The tectonic plates know very well that if they shift a little, my mom will place Rava upma in them as well."

-- courtesy of @i-hate-upma

(Plaintext: "No earthquake felt in my house. The tectonic plates know very well that if they shift a little, my mom will place Rava upma in them as well." -- courtesy of @ i-hate-upma )

That's right. BEHOLD. The only Edible food Jimbo can make.

[ ID: Photo of Upma, a thick porridge packed with vegetables, lentils, nuts, herbs etc. It looks like a somewhat solid lump. End ID]

CRY CRY. It's UPMA!

I'm kind of sad he'll never be able to taste the goodness that is Curry instead BUTTT since he's friends with Kamal, and highly likely he's visited his house-- He can get some Paro Manxho( Pigeon meat curry) there.. it's not exactly chicken but hot curry is hot curry! I've heard it is hard to make and since they're in the US, the ingredients would be harder to procure too. I'm sure Pars is flattered someone would take all that trouble, jsjsahsjsjd. Stuff like this is why him and Kam are such close friends. They aren't just hi-hello-bye. They're deep, guys. Going all the way back to when Pars was a tee-and-baggy churdidar-pants wearing stressed college student, roped in as a guitar player for ten-mice-in-a-cool-leather-jacket wearing stressed college student Kamal's band. Coming all the way back to deciding to stay longer in this creepy "self-help resort" hes definitely getting a bad feeling about Not Sueing To The Ground Instantly, because...Kamal's there. Pars calls him machan, so that should tell you everything. ;-) (winky emote)

--

I HAVE TOO MANY IDEAS JUST TO PUT IN THIS ONE POST DHJDJD

(Plaintext: I have too many ideas just to put in this one post dhjdjd)

So I'll end on some design ideas!! Not quite solid yet but here ya go.

[ ID: Traditional fanart sketch of the artists interpretation of Jimothan Botch. The style is semi realistic. It's mostly a headshot with a fading bust. He is a skinny aging man with salt-and-pepper hair sweeping across his forehead and growing down the sides of his face in a more orderly manner. His eyes are squinty and he has a long, slightly big nose. He smiles, showing some wrinkling, his upper lip totally covered by a very big moustache that curls at the tips, fanning into even more curls at their bottom edges. He wears a bartender's suit and tie. End ID]

You bet he twirls off that thing and laughs LIKE REALLY LOUDLY coughing fit fucking show off and Habit is so in love with him SHUT UP SHUT UP Even if they are good cowbuddies their level of homoeroticism is YEEHAW

BUFF PARSLEY JUMPSCARE MOTHERFUCKER

( Plaintext: Buff Parsley Jumpscare Motherfucker )

I will use He/Ham pronouns for Pars in this one and explain why later! Actually JK I'll tell you now. He accidentally said " my pronouns are he/ham" but he found he suspiciously very much liked being called a ham and not a man all the time and so it came to be!

[ ID: Traditional fanart sketch of the artists interpretation of Parsley Botch. The style is semi realistic. The main sketch is colored digitally and stops at the starting of the thighs. Parsley is a strongly built person with a stocky upper body. His skintone is a warm medium brown. Hams face is like a softly edged downwards rectangle. He has red-sclera eyes with somewhat prominent brows. Nose is similar to Jimothan's. Along with regular teeth ham has two bigger gold-plated canines. Parsleys red hair is a sticking-out bedheaded mess that falls to his shoulders. Some are cut in a more orderly way down the sides of his face. He wears a light red shirt, darker tie, dark blue business suit.

His hands are behind his back and he looks off to the side and frowns, looking dejected. Beside ham, coming from ham, emanating soft yellow waves with a red centre hold the lyrics to " heaven knows I'm miserable now" by The Smiths. It says "In my life...why do I give valuable time....to people who don't care if I live or die?"

A few more reference sketches are seen beside the main sketch, left side. One is of canon Parsley as a head saying 'bro' and a note of his head shape being a square. More below is written ' Comic book inspo" and a cut-off "mutton chops". Beside these there's Parsley's frowning mouth drawn, teeth showing, regular and gold-plated. "Smile?" is written questioningly. At the bottom is a digital exported and blurred canon sprite of Parsley. End ID]

OK weird story. Muscled Parsnip first caught my imagination with, a, um, this story where he crushed a suitcase with his abs in court or something like that. I'm pretty sure it was written as fetish stuff now( I didn't know!) but GOD was it HILARIOUS to read. So there you go. Demonic metabolism, or something. I would play the drums on his chest. Dum Dum Dum. Or smash Randy's goddamed pickle jar( actually tried this in game, didn't work).

[ophidian-petals]

Sinistram Viam - 1

Early on in my magickal and occult journey I took on a motto, I don't remember it other than its initials being PCLLC and that the two L's stood for Lux Lucis... I used google translate or something... I was not master at languages. It meant, "inner union of light and darkness." I believed that everyone was either born to the Right Hand of the Lamb or the Left Hand of the Goat. I felt I was in between despite having a feeling of being drawn to the Dark Side... not in the sense of hurting people, but I do admit I can be rather amoral at times especially when I was younger before the venom of Christianity crept into my veins... more on that later. I don't have anything against anyone that is Christian, but when they begin to act big and bad, then they can go bugger off! Yes, I'm an American, but I will always be drawn to Britain and the Old Country.

For the longest time I tried to become Christian, I forced it! I played the victim when I never felt a need to ask Jesus for forgiveness. I know, what a shocker, right!? Its only a shocker to the people that believe that Christianity is the one and true religion. It disrupts their worldview, their universal sense of balance. Its introducing Chaos into a system of Order. There is no right or wrong here, its about stability and instability, truth vs falsehood, even what is needed for psychological health vs what one thinks they need for psychological or spiritual health when its actually detrimental to their health. Christianity can be very toxic, but it can also be very beautiful! God I fell in love Catholic Mysticism and Magick!

I lacked true Faith though and no matter how hard I tried, it wasn't coming. It did, however, come when my mother was dying. There was no more feelings of negativity, doubt, hatred etc., but understanding in the sense of finding a link. A link that lead to God! This last for about three to four years until here recently when I prayed to Lucifer. Not the first time, but this time I told Him that I would devote myself to Him if He did something for me! I forgot about it until after it happened, but I started praying to Lucifer and Satan. One day I asked Lucifer or Maybe Satan, probably Satan, what do I need to do to be happy in life and the most amazing thing happened! The Sun shone its light upon me at that very moment! How often do signs like that happen that immediately!? I took it as meaning to be Happy, but also the Light of Lucifer perhaps... I didn't think so though, but I ended up becoming a Thelemite.

Late last year was a time of meaning discovering myself... actually all of last year was. I still do have guilt and a part of me feels it and that I will burn in Hell for it, but for the most part its not as bad. What I feel like is a New Chapter of my Life started with the Left Hand Path. I'm not new to the Left Hand Path, but I do have a fresher understanding of it. I became enthralled with Thomas LeRoy's video and even joined the Sect of the Horned God which ultimately speaks volumes as early on in my Pagan journey, I became fascinated with the Horned God specifically Cernunnos. I think a lot of this was my roots as a Heathen, as a Satanist emerging.

I believe that we are all born onto the Left Hand Path, but for some reason, some venture over onto the Right Hand Path. I think it might all be a part of evolution. I need to venture upon the Sinistral Walkway because there was a part of me that I learned to bury away and not always manifest in the healthiest of ways. This side of me is as much a part of me as anything else and I need to learn to embrace that, that I am who I am no matter what! I might not be the most hardcore individual upon the Left Hand Path, but I sense a need to walk it... actually I feel a need to return to it, like it's a part of me and not just a path I'm choosing to walk. In fact, I would completely ignore it if it was for the fact that I feel intertwined with the serpentine furrows of Sinistram Viam.

I came across Thomas LeRoy and Sinisterism a few years ago, but it didn't strike a chord with me almost like I wasn't supposed to hear what I was supposed to hear at that time. Late last year that changed as Sinisterism hit me like never before. Almost like I was understanding it in a whole new light. From my early pre-teen years I developed an interest in religion and sought out a religion to belong to, but nothing really fit. I did have a strong attraction to Taoism/Daoism though... why is all about the D now. It used to be spelled Tao as in Taoism or Tao Te Ching. Later on it became Daoism and Dao De Khing. Its like when everyone started insisting that chi is pronounced ki.

First off, are we such a dick oriented society that we have to change a limp sounding T to a hard sounding D? Maybe its sexist because T is for Tits and D is for Dicks. Maybe its racist, Taoism sounds like Towel-ism which just has Al-Qaeda written all over it! Take something that sounds like its from the Middle East and make it sound more American... you know, because the epicenter of American culture is the Dick! Tits and Pussy, but Dicks are funnier, right?

Secondly, we don't call the Chinese, Kinese anymore, right? We don't call China, Kina? and the same can be applied to your fine china. My own opinion I guess, but the ch is soft, not hard as in loch. Chi, pronounced as chee, is Chinese and ki is Japanese. Everyone goes on about cultural appropriation, but what about cultural misappropriation. I mean, if your going to do it, do it right!

Getting back on topic. Sinisterism is, from my understanding, a LHP system in which the individual builds their own foundation of practice and belief from the bits of other systems that work for them. This struck a chord with me now since re-discovering him. Its been something I've been doing for most of my life minus the LHP orientation.

[rigelmejo]

Different people get motivated by different things.

And I am the type of person who just. Gets very motivated doing the very challenging things for myself ToT

Don't get me wrong. A good bout of stuff AT my level or below restores confidence I learned something, helps me build stamina since its Easy. And I'm sure 50%+ of my studying comes down to me doing "feels easy" stuff once I break past beginner stuff. Like I wasn't "studying" for spring or summer, but I still read some chinese and watched Chinese shows and listened to audiobooks and read manhua when I felt like it, and that clearly kept my level maintained and likely helped me learn some things without me noticing.

But. Doing that kind of stuff, I have 2 tendencies. First, to stagnate and happily just STAY there and not push myself to improve. Which is fine if I never want or need to improve - I don't need increased chinese knowledge at this point to watch any unsubbed show I want to see, manhua I want to read, so it's easy to just decide to NOT study anymore. Second, if I do think to 'study' it's easy for me, when I have easier material, to get PERFECTIONIST. Which is a big no no for me in studying! I had to purposely plan how to AVOID TRIGGERING MY PERFECTIONISM when I was learning how the fuck I personally could learn to do anything in a new language!

Because if given material I can handle, I will start intensely drilling grammar I'm only 95% sure I get, drilling words I know but don't know all 100% nuance of its meanings in various contexts. I will drill the first 100 Kanji in Japanese for EVERY reading, before even actually learning words that fucking USE those Kanji. For a year. For 2 years! I'll waste 2 years drilling 100 Kanji, when I could have spent that time learnjng thousands more things! Any more things! I know, because it's basically how I wasted 1.5 of the first 2 years I was studying Japanese! I took an intense college class the first 3 months, which worked amazingly well for me because teacher made us do like a whole Genki chapter with all optional exercises AND shadowing AND essay and voice recording and discussions, all graded (so pressure to do it and do it Good), each week. I never felt I was fully "prepared" or had mastered anything. But I passed with an A, had very few mistakes in my work, and because of the grueling pace I had to progress to new material BEFORE I felt id mastered the old material. And I learned, soon after the class ended lol... if I do not Force Myself to go progress to new material on a regular basis, I will genuinely waste a year or more drilling absolute basics to "perfection" and fail to make real progress in actual ability to Do Anything I want to do in a language.

So yeah. Perfectionism is the enemy. I will absolutely stop improving and get obsessed with hammering out any small errors I might be making or might forget, to the detriment of myself. This is part of why I push myself to Very Challenging Material somewhat regularly. If it's Super hard, then it's guaranteed to MAKE me learn new stuff I've not seen before. It's guaranteed to make me rely on what I have already learned, proving whatever I did study I studied "good enough" to rely on and can stop drilling it in favor of trying to grasp the New Confusing Stuff I now Critically Need to Know.

Then back to the stagnating, and not challenging myself cause I feel I don't need to learn more lol.

Well. I've been reading "at my level" all week. And both these reared their ugly heads. On the upside, the "coast at my level and don't improve" is actually a way to make progress - just extensive reading still eventually nets more new words learned, and better reading skill/speed generally. Hence why even this spring summer when I did no studying my show comprehension still increased/listening comprehension still increased, it just will from the continued exposure. On the downside, it means I feel bored. These are things I can read sure - but I don't want to read kids stuff forever, I want to read my favorite authors. So this is fine but it's coasting, when I need to force myself to study whatever I'll need for the goal Novels. Then the other ugly habit - I got all perfectionist about unknown words, in these Easy Reads! I started out able to read sentences as a unit, then got too focused and started nitpicking and looking up words even when I KNOW them already, and even when I knew the hanzi and recognized the word thanks to context clues. These activities slowed me down noticeably, and affected my otherwise great ability to interpret sentence grammar/word-phrase separation. Perfectionism leaped out to sabotage the gains I'd normally get from just.. oh you know... reading naturally and not being such a perfectionist I stop reading sentences as a whole and stop resembling hanzi/words I KNOW already. ToT

This is just a vent to myself tbh. If I am realizing anything with this reflection, it's that when I'm doing any activity for study, I do need personally to balance Easy time with Challenge time. If I don't do anything challenging I tend to get into my own head and start self sabotaging. (Which yes, I realize plenty of people burn out when they challenge too hard and so what works for me may Not work for another given person. But I know with me the urge to do Easy things is like doing them in English, it's just when I start formally studying I personally Need that balance of practice-achievable and challenging-attempt. Or else my study plans get real poor real fast.)

[trulyhopelessromantic]

BRITT'S BOOKS '21

Book 2)  As Old As Time by Liz Braswell

pages:  484

Started:  January 10, 2021

Finished:  January 17, 2021

Thoughts:

I struggled between giving 3 and 4 stars and ended on 4. Truthfully, this was a well-written book in the sense of language and use of description. It was, at times, very vivid. That is what gave me the feeling to give this book that extra star. The author is really wonderful with language and while sometimes misguided not entirely terrible at a plot. Even the way the book alternated between past and present and shifting narratives off one character or set of characters to describe what was going on with others was pretty effective and for my judgement, smooth.

Here's the thing you need to know about me before I get into a more detailed review (without revealing specific spoilers): I'm an author and storyteller myself whose learning style is that of written language and as a child was an avid reader; I love books and stories! Secondly and more importantly: Beauty & the Beast 1991 is my favourite movie of all time. I'm SUPER protective over it and often get defensive of it and my personal headcanons that I have based upon what the film has given us.

One thing in particular I'm quite vocal about is when people claim The Enchantress cursed the castle when the Prince was 11 years old and how ridiculous that is because they base it upon 2 facts from the film: they claim they've been in the castle for 10 years and the beginning says 'his twenty-first year' to imply The Beast/Prince turning 21. I've always used evidence of other things in the castle (no aging on Chip, for example) to argue against the idea of a kid being turned into a beast. So to find out that this book employed that idea I was a little downtrodden -but, gave it a chance based upon the descriptive and curious lead-up to that moment in the timeline of events. And I will say, the author actually addressed some of the arguments I have against that kid-Beast theory with some new canon of her own which made this plot-point I previously shook my head at more bearable.

Without going into specifics (like above) I will say that as a whole, the book was enjoyable despite some other plot points that were a bit wild, far fetched and/or ridiculous. I think what saved this book is that we started out with a /similar/ story to the film but strayed from it quickly enough that I was able to then go along on this adventure without judging how the author filled in their own storyline between the well-known moments of the film. We still had that but it wasn't as though she were trying to force and shove her story into the entire framework of the existing story I know and love. So to me, this book felt like a Beauty and the Beast story adaptation that just so happened to feature a few specific characters from the 1991 film; an AU if you will (which yes I /know/ is the point of the book, haha).

This is both a positive and a detriment to the book. Some well-loved moments from the movie were eliminated entirely, and I'm not just talking about my personal favourite moments either. And, some were reworked into new things: some of which worked out well while others left me staring dead-eyed into an invisible camera like I was on a prank show. A few times I posted to social media to point out specific reworkings of dialogue and lines from the film that fell so flat I couldn't keep my mouth shut about it! haha

But once the story got going on its own legs it was a bit of an action-thriller. Which, frankly, surprised me. I liked it but at the same time I'm not sure how to feel about it. What is the age-group for this book because some of the moments here were a bit dark and mature and not in a Grimm Brothers way but in a... there's torture, blood, pain, this is hope-sucking sort of way... Ah I guess Grimm Brothers were pretty dark yes but they stated things plainly (to my recollection) like: 'their eyes were plucked out', 'she danced to death', etc. The stories never specifically described the torture and the feelings of that. Maybe I'm being too harsh or exaggerating all of this a little. I dunno.

Also, the characters of this story sometimes really seemed to act in line with the canon of the '91 film in scenarios that weren't from the film while at other times reading their actions and words I was like "ummmm". I had to remind myself that this story and these characters probably /should/ be different based on the new experiences they have that weren't in the movie. Yet, for some reason I still can't see Belle's character being one to cuss. Even if it's just saying: "Damn."

While the ending had a certain charm to it, I was still left disappointed as it doesn't end like a fairytale should end. Then again, this /isn't/ a fairytale but a /twisted/ tale ;)

[wearetakingthehobbitstogallifrey]

MONICA YOU LOVED MANIC TOO??!?!? I'm overjoyed because I've only spoken to one (1) other person who really loved it & I feel so relieved, somehow, that you love it since you're the BEST OF US and what YOU love always gets right to the heart of a thing or a story. ANYWAY. Finally // and I Hate Everybody are my absolute favorites, and don't you think this album is like Ashley's version of Lover??? it's her most honest, and maybe lowest but also sweetest and steadiest album. I'M IN LOVE

YES YES YES YES YES I AM SOOO EXCITED YOU LOVE IT WILL YOU BE MY MANIC BUDDY *SINGS IT’S NICE TO HAVE A FRIEND WHO LOVES HALSEY*

also thank you sincerely and seriously so much for the glowing shoutout

#WONDER WOMAN SPEAKS MY HEART AND ALSO THIS IS SURPRISINGLY (?) RELEVANT TO THE ONCOMING STORM OF AN ESSAY

before I go any further I want to inform you I am drinking hot chocolate and Bailey’s out of my Batman/Catwoman mug and I still have Christmas lights up. This is not relevant to the following essay but I just thought you should know

I should start the essay shouldn’t I

First of all, I LOVE what you say about this being Ashley’s version of Lover. Both are a...finding of self, more or less complete. This isn’t to say that Taylor’s journey is over—she still has a lot of life and song left to fight through and to enjoy—but by the last words of “Daylight,” it seems to me that through all her struggles, she has finally discovered how to be gentle with herself and how to light her world.

I want to be defined by the things I love,

Not the things I hate

Not the things I am afraid of, I’m afraid of,

The things that haunt me in the middle of the

night, I

I just think that you are what you love.

In Lover, through Lover, by Lover, Taylor is whole again in her soul, and being thus whole and free, her future is quietly hopeful—even in the reality of the sorrowful “Soon You’ll Get Better” (which I still cannot listen to because it wounds my heart). I cannot imagine what she will do next, for she has the most expansive possibilities ahead of her.

Going back to Ashley, or Halsey, well, I can say nothing so clear about Manic other than that it aches. It aches because the whole thing is a confession. It is a spilling out of herself, all her hurts and frustrations and failures and most importantly the confusion of it all that lasts till this day and may last many more. Somehow, somewhere, in all this mess, I feel that by the end of the album, Ashley has found a grain of peace. She is still searching, still longing for things she maybe doesn’t even understand, but she understands herself, and, I hope, understands in a small way that it is okay to be in a state of longing and aching and messing up and trying again.

I’m sleepy so I’m not sure I am being coherent or cohesive, forgive me. I’m just going to say a few things about my favorite songs!

“Ashley.” So this wasn’t the first song I listened to, because of the singles released earlier. But how powerful is it that Halsey opens up with her name? There is nothing I like better than an album that tells a story (surprise!) and the instant I saw the track listing, I was shook.

Seems like now it's impossible to work this outI'm so committed to an old ghost townIs it really that strange if I always wanna change?And if only the time and space between us wasn't lonelyI'd disintegrate into a thousand piecesI think I'm making a mistakeBut if I decide to break, who will fill the empty space?

This verse—I don’t know if it is just where I am in my own life, but really, who hasn’t felt this strange rending of desires in some capacity. Cling to the past? Leap toward the unknown? I want to live near my parents forever, and see my mom every Sunday like I have for years now. I want to live in a foreign country, or even out near my old college, or heck even live in a city for year or six months, just because it would be an Experience. (Couldn’t live there indefinitely, not this girl who loves endless trees and hills and warm summer night country roads and rustling corn.)

How do we know what to do? How do we decide? What if we get left alone, with no one to comfort and support us? What if we cannot handle the consequences of our choices?

Apart from my beating heartIt's a muscle but it's still not strong enoughTo carry the weight of the choices I've madeI told you I'd ride this outIt's getting harder every day somehowI'm bursting out of myself

LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT IT! I DARE YOU TO SAY THIS IS NOT A UNIVERSAL EMOTION. THIS IS WHAT THE ALBUM WILL BE ABOUT SO IF YOU CANNOT OPEN YOUR HEART AND BE PREPARED TO FEEL EMPATHY AND COMPASSION FOR THE YOUNG WOMAN WHO IS ABOUT TO SPILL HER GUTS TO YOU THEN GET OUT OF MY HOUSE

Ahem, I’m sorry, please stay, I don’t actually want you to go. Just sit down and I’ll give you your own hot chocolate. But listen. Ashley is, before anything, a human being. Therefore, she is going to mess up, just the same as any of us, maybe more, maybe less, but that is never going to take away a speck of her intrinsic worth, or the way that God loves her. Her struggles will not obliterate her humanity, but if I ignore her sorrows, her need for something more, her brilliance and strength and longing to love, then I would nigh obliterate my own.

Also, can I just say she has gone through some REALLY hard things in her life, things I couldn’t imagine, and for her to be where she is now—I just want the best for her. Do I agree with everything she does or believes? No. Is my life at all similar to hers? Not really. But I still feel a kinship with her, and it bleeds through in her music.

This is getting away from me isn’t it. I’m just trying to say that Manic struck a chord in my heart that has been reverberating ever since I first perceived it.

Oh gosh it is 12:30, I have to be up at 6. I’m going to fly through a few other songs and then you can message me about the rest or something 😊

“Clementine” has such color, doesn’t it? Also the line about her wondering what it’s like to be the blood in her veins—I love it!

“Graveyard” with the thing you love the most being the detriment—not going to lie, this is a story song for me, it fits into the Gold Rush Silmarillion AU I am co-authoring. Feanor and his own pride, Maedhros and half the people he loves, Fingon and Maedhros—the list could go on.

“You should be sad” and “More” gutted me because I had only just learned she has endometriosis, and has experienced a miscarriage before.

“Forever...(is a long time)”:

It's a nice surprise knowing six feet highWould reach and grab the moon if I should ask

Or just imply that I want you to be more lightSo I could look inside his eyesAnd get the colors just right

And

What am I thinking? What does this mean?How could somebody ever love me?

Self-doubt and questioning one’s ability to be loved ☹

“Without Me” gets stuck in my head and I LOVE IT I SING IT.

Found you when your heart was brokeI filled your cup until it overflowedTook it so far to keep you close (Keep you close)I was afraid to leave you on your own

 Is there anything more painful than giving all of yourself to someone, loving them so much that you do anything to help them heal—and then all they do is hurt you.

“Finally// beautiful stranger” I’m ashamed to say the first time I listened to it I wasn’t paying attention and so I was like eh it’s fine. THEN I LISTENED TO IT AGAIN. WHY IS THIS SONG HALSEY’S “ENCHANTED” (I can probably explain this, but just after I’ve had sleep)

“killing boys” there are a lot of things I could say about this song but the main thing I want to say is if there was a song that is ME regarding the sound of it only, it is this one. When she sings “you don’t need me anymore” and “I don’t need you anymore” OOH IT GETS ME IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL

Also

Told me pick my battles and be picking 'em wiseBut I wanna pick 'em all and I don't want to decideNo more, no more, anymore

THIS IS THAT TUMBLR THING  “MY MOM LIKES TO TELL ME ‘YOU HAVE TO PICK YOUR BATTLES’ WELL I’M FULL OF RAGE AND I’M PICKING ALL OF THEM”

ALSO ALSO GETTING INTO THE LYRICS THIS IS HER MOVING ON, THIS IS HER DECISIVELY SAYING NO THIS NOT RIGHT THIS IS HARMFUL TO ME I AM DONE. AND FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS EXPRESSED UNCERTAINTY AND DIFFICULTY MAKING DECISIONS, IT SO GOOD TO SEE HER MAKE A HEALTHY CHOICE FOR HERSELF

“Suga’s Interlude:” LOOK YOU LOVE BTS TOO SO I’M SURE YOU KNOW THE STORY OF HOW IT CAME TO BE AND YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT BTS AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH HALSEY BUT FOR THE SAKE OF THE READERS LET ME SUM UP

Halsey did a collaboration with BTS called “Boy with Luv” and it shook the charts and is wonderful and I love it. Not only did they create that song though, but she flew out to South Korea and learned the dance choreography so that she could sing and dance in the song’s music video. This was the beginning of a beautiful, cross-language, cross-cultural friendship that has involved friendship bracelets, churros, a personalized microphone, and mutual teasing.

Anyway, Halsey had been really impressed with BTS member Suga, saying “Yoongi is really introspective and has this really intelligent perspective on where we are and what we are doing in our unique lifestyles.” She also was moved by the hard work and sacrifices he (and his fellow band members) have made. Anyway, she asked Suga to write and sing a song with her. He was initially surprised, saying that he can’t rap in English. Halsey, gem that she is, was like bro, pls rap in Korean, that would be awesome. Pardon me for copying half the lyrics for this song but to me it is pivotal in Manic as a whole:

I’ve been trying all my lifeTo separate the timeIn between the having it allAnd giving it up, yeah...

Here is the conflict and strife that Halsey has dealt with all her life—there is fear of loss there, and also fear of what one has. The power it has over you. The way things might go wrong.

I believe your faith, efforts, beliefs, and greed,are not hideous...Although the dawn right before the sun rises is the darkest,Never forget that the stars that you wish for,can only rise within the dark...

Suga reminding himself, Halsey, and us to cling to hope, ragged and worn, even in the most difficult of times. Also—in the face of our insecurities and self-recrimination for the goals we set—he tell us that our deepest parts are valid

If I run endlessly towards the end of the tunnel,what will there beIt’s true, it’s honestly differentfrom the future that I had hoped forBut it doesn’t matter, now it’s a matter of living/survivingIt doesn’t matter what happenedYeah yeah it might bedifferent from the things that you expectedYour living and your loving might changeThat’s true That’s true That’s trueYeah so are you gonna moveWe’re still too youthful and young to hesitateLet’s face it (our lives)...

This, this verse is so important. Look back at the song “Ashley”, particularly the lines I already quoted. Indecision because the fear of what might be, of what failure could do, wrecking her worse than ever, with no one to help her. Indecision because of a nostalgia that might be bitter or softly sad, what was past was at least known. It was good perhaps, it was awful more likely. But it was gotten through. There is no guarantee that Halsey will be able to get through whatever the future holds. But Suga comes in here, having faced struggles similar at their core, and he embodies the Nike slogan. Just DO IT. Don’t hold yourself back. Don’t let yourself drown, stuck in sinking mud. Embrace the unknown. If you let fear hold you back, you are as good as dead. There will be no growth, no hope battling through the dark for something better. You have to MOVE! And maybe you were right, things will never be the same, or the way you want it to be, but MAYBE THE DIFFERENT WILL BE BETTER!!!

Anyway, this section really should have been its own essay, because I’m still not done with it. You may have noticed I have been calling them Halsey and Suga, and the song is indeed called “Suga’s Interlude” but this song is so deep and personal to them both, it feels wrong to use their stage names. This is Ashley speaking, this is Yoongi speaking. Halsey posted a cute, stick figure drawing as artwork for the song, and the two singers are pictured there—and named as Ashley and Yoongi. This song is not just a collaboration by two talented artists, this is a look into the souls of a woman and a man who’ve shed blood, sweat, and tears to become the people they are. This intimacy fits the whole theme of the album so well, I LITERALLY CANNOT

I am so sorry I will move on now. It is 2:00 am. I need to go to bed. I am not. I need to talk about 929.

Well first let me say that “Still Learning” is also super important to the theme of the album.

I know that I've done some wrongBut I'm trying to make it rightDid the one I love do me wrong?Give me up right now

I know that I love you but I'm still learningTo love myself (to love my, to love my, to love my)I'm still learning to love myself (to love my, to love my, to love my)

She has made confessions and declarations and sung her frustration, and now she is moving forward. The road may be long and hard, but she is moving forward. I had something else to say but I forgot it sorry.

And NOW

929!!!!

This song miiiiight be my favorite on the album, not sure. My heart trembles and I get chills listening to it, because the music and her voice are so gentle and soothing but the lyrics are essentially a list of moments that have been needles and knives to Ashley, all her fears revealed, that she wasn’t enough then and she isn’t enough now, that the girl with the pink hair lied when she said that everyone needed Ashley. It’s a soft confession, a stream of consciousness, so it was written and so I hear it. And in this moment, how can I not love her? How can I not cry for her, for me, for anyone and everyone who struggles with self-worth, with being wanted, with being loved, with loving, with forgiving self and others?Halsey is flawed, and I just want to give her extra love because of that.

But you know what? I think she is going to be ok.

This is where I want to go back and compare Manic to Lover. There is this knowledge of the self, a kind of peace with who one is. I don’t mean that either Taylor or Ashley have reached their pinnacle of self, but they see themselves a little more clearly, and are not suppressing that knowledge.

929 sounds like water gently pouring out of a pitcher into a basin, and water, properly placed, does not drown but gives life. There is hope by the end of this song, hope despite her difficult life, hope despite the fact that she was never even telling the truth about her time of birth. (That story could be a despairing one, the “I’m a fucking liar” could be the miniscule mistake that breaks her after all the rest of her mistakes, but instead...I don’t know she just sounds kind of amused, like even if she is disappointed or upset about it, there is still this “oh well, whatever, can’t believe that happened lol” to her voice and laughter. She knows who she is now, and there is a better woman she might be, but she is not angry with herself for being who she is, and she will move forward, letting go of her ghost towns and all her fears.

Let me end with a quote about 929: “I just start spilling all of my thoughts about myself and my fans and my family, and I admit so many faults and flaws all in one go. It’s forgiving, however, it ends with the acknowledgment that I am learning and growing, minute by minute.”

Ashley, like Taylor, is making a new start. They have both found a sort of daylight, and though there may always be shadows, I really really hope that they will know mostly sun, and spread it around for others.

ALSO I JUST REALIZED I COULD NOW BE SOMEONE’S MANIC PIXIE DREAMGIRL :D 

*Disclaimer: I AM SO FREAKING TIRED I AM GOING TO BED, THIS WHOLE THING IS ENTIRELY UNEDITED, ALSO I LEFT SOME SONGS OUT OOPS WELL TWO OF THEM I DON’T CARE FOR AS MUCH BUT I THINK I FORGOT 3 AM WHICH I DO  LIKE BUT I AM NOT GOING BACK TO WRITE ABOUT IT NOW. I APOLOGIZE FOR THE RAMBLING MESS AND LACK OF ELOQUENCE BUT HERE WE BE THIS IS WHAT YOU GET HOPE IT MADE YOU SMILE

[amerasdreams]

I wish I were more of a person so I could actually do things to help whati care about. Instead I'm practically helpless. Political science degree but no experience to speak of and no skills. Esp as INFP I really want to use my skills to support my passions. But I'm woefully inadequate to that. What I really like to do is write and I want to write to help people that need it, fight for freedom and justice with truth (fiction and nonfiction). Writing is what I practiced most, starting when I first learned how to write at 5 years old, and I've written hundreds of thousands of words. Not to mention many writing classes I've taken since I was a teenager and a creative writing minor (I went back and forth between English and Pol sci in college... to the point I had to do a writing minor, which someone said was an "awkward" combination. But to me it reflected what I wanted to do even if I wasn't sure how specifically yet and even in the face of adbosors who said I couldn't write about political subjects, at least to earn a living. But I was looking at it more broadly. Not just about elections which is what everyone thinks of but the things I learned in classes like international relations, global affairs, actual governance vs rhetoric, ideas -- how best a government should be to serve the people; history and how its relevant to today's global order, later things like intelligence, psychology and politics which is what I got a book on recently, political language and propaganda, etc. Perhaps I can't earn a living at that but perhaps I could do another thing to support my main interests while not obstructing them. Freedom and flexibility with my own small businesses.... also volunteering directly for what I want to help with, the most vulnerable people such as refugees and human trafficking victims, abuse victims incl animals, etc. Fight against terrorism and tyranny and for democracy and freedom... with words and actions if possible. Use in stories which also promote these values).

But I am still not good at writing after all of that practice. Makes me think im not good at anything, and what's more, I'm not capable of learning anything to a competent level. Not enough for the real world. My college degree likewise resulted in nothing.

What am I if I am not capable of working and living for what I care about. I want to do so much. I remember just after college graduation the protests in Iran and the people killed incl Neda, whose death I saw, whih these deaths in Ukraine remind me of. I wanted so much to help. But of course most people could do nothing. Still, I am even more powerless than most people. Extremely ridiculous and cut off from most of society bc I'm a very sensitive introvert. Perhaps I should not evn care about people, its hard for me to interact with people irl. I'm an idiot. I have no credibility. I would probably be detrimental to any cause I supported. The things I'm doing now like sending a small amount of money (with my income I can't send muh even compared to most people) and like. Putting a small bumper sticker on my car and wearing the yellow and blue flag earrings are laughably trivial . I could like organize a demonstration or sth but I have like 0 connections in this town after 15 years

Caring so much is probably a symptom of my flaws... diverted sympathy from people around me bc I'm cut off from them. My empathy whih goes on overdrive but makes me collapse and not sleep at night which allows me to do less than normal people. In any case I don't react like people around me in this like in other things so it must be a symptom of how defective I am.

Someone w no future like this should just give up. Not going to accomplish anything much less the great, many things I long to do

[3-genetic-bugs-in-a-trenchcoat]

Social transition is hard, man. Undoing over two decades of being socialised one way and catching up with lost decades of socialising the other way doesn’t come quickly, or easily. To an extent this may never be a finished process - there are experiences, events etc which will not happen anymore, or will be different when they happen at different age. In that way, jumping from one box to the other isn’t really possible for people transitioning as adults. And I never really expected that to happen anyway.

But ironically, one thing which I’ve been struggling with most, is a pretty basic, and even silly one. And it’s been tumbling (heh) in my head to the point, where this is probably my third or fourth attempt in writing this shit up in a comprehensible way.

The thing in question is language. And it isn’t English - English is simple, a comparably weakly gendered language. But speaking a Slavic language, I suddenly realised that I have to gender myself differently... and do it all the time - adjectives, nouns, participles, even verbs get gendered. And I suddenly discovered that I had difficulties taking that step, which  was obviously followed by a wave of self-doubt - a thing which I thought I’d left behind years ago.

This was one of the cases where a good therapist would’ve made things easier for me, probably, but well, I had to figure it out on my own, because trans healthcare systems... But eventually I got down to my root causes, and hence can start working on fixing that.

For one, I had not perceived social dysphoria to be a significant problem for me, as opposed to body dysphoria which was actively detrimental (and this perception wasn’t entirely true, as a lot of my body stuff actually had its roots in social dysphoria, which I’d never noticed). In either case, I’d never imagined this step, and how to go about it and how it would feel... so on one hand me using the new grammar forms for myself was a new, weird and unexpected feeling, while when others used them, it genuinely felt pleasant and natural.

And this ties to an obvious part, which I already mentioned at the beginning - one does not simply undo almost 30 years of a habit. I had to rewire my language paths, start to consciously think about my grammar while I’d been subconsciously using them for as long as I remembered before. The fix to these two problems above is luckily pretty simple - we’re back to learning language again, and practice, as always in these cases, makes perfect.

Now to the tougher stuff. And this problem comes from the fact that when I talk, it normally happens when I talk to people (this is how people communicate, y’know). And when I use feminine forms for myself, this fact will be perceived by my interlocutor. At that point, I'm implicitly obliging them to also use these forms for me. And one thing is that I'm not comfortable forcing people to do anything for me...

... but another thing is that, you see, I don't really sound like someone who would normally use these forms (and whether I look like one depends on what my dysphoria tells me). And I'm deeply insecure about these things. And this is obviously a classic example of internalised transphobia - society implying that people with given body must or mustn't use given language forms. Any statement repeated long enough, and enforced with bullying from youngest ages, eventually becomes true.

And as clear as it is to define, it works. I don't feel like I deserve to use feminine forms, and if confronted, I'm not sure if my cowardly ass will find the strength to stand my ground. And I'm absolutely terrified by the sheer prospect of this.

Now, how to solve this one? My immediate answer was that external validation would be nice. But while it could indeed help to an extent, this only fixes the symptom instead of the cause which, as mentioned above, is insecurity and no self-confidence. And I'll need time and loads of patience to fix that bit...

Meanwhile, I'm just rolling with it, actually getting a little more comfortable day by day, and seeing what happens. Maybe this will prove to be yet another part of this transition, where faking confidence will bring the actual confidence. Things keep happening, and despite the obstacles I'm putting in my own way with my stupid brain, they do keep improving.

[elizabethrobertajones]

I'm genuinely curious and I'm sure you've talked about it before but what're your headcanons on Cas & Dean getting together in the show? How different do you think what you would like to see vs. what might actually happen are? I feel like this season is gonna make it harder and more detrimental to keep feelings "strictly platonic" if that makes any sense. I feel like it's pointless for them to keep dancing around each other considering what they've been through in the past 2 seasons especially.

I actually don’t really talk about this or have more than passing headcanons about how to do it usually right in like the next 3 episodes range of coda fics I approve of sort of level >.> At least not that I’m set on or have any real strong feelings about, mostly because I’ve learned to enjoy the show while still living in fandom you really can not let fandom expectations get too deep into your head to the point you’re imagining the show as a sort of interactive pick your own adventure game where you’re desperately trying to turn to page 83 but the show keeps flicking back to page 6 and you’re like WHYYY and scrabbling around feeling like they’re holding the pages down for you or something… Gah, bad metaphor. Double ear ache. I apologise for the quality of blogging around here this week :P 

So I mean what I would LIKE to see or headcanons I have are all of the coda fic formula of just taking the episode a minute past its appropriate end. And I’ll tell you the 2 most jarring moments of my life watching the show were in 10x03 where the episode went past the expected end and Cas walked into the bedroom with Dean but then left again but my heart was hammering the whole time, and to explain it to myself retroactively, 11x04 when the camera stays in the back of the car after they leave the Bunker, talk over the details of the case, and then there’s just this long silence while Dean’s driving and Sam’s sitting there, and it’s just… wrong… The scene is going on past the point we KNOW as viewers it should have cut to the next day when they roll into town, and the silence and the length of the pause were exactly made to pass through a boundary, to transgress what we should be expecting as a viewer. The scene in 12x19 is very similar to the one in 10x03 in set up - Cas walks through the door to Dean alone - but the transgression is only in 10x03 when all the other loose ends are wrapped up and Dean’s cured and Cas could easily have made the same excuse to Sam and left, but instead they pushed through for one character-driven scene of Cas and Dean together, and we were intruding on Dean in privacy with his photos, and we see him react as if he doesn’t want people seeing him doing that, and then Cas comes in and they’re alone together and talk, and there’s no purpose except for personal communication between them. Either Cas leaves, Dean tells him to leave, or he stays and they get together :P And obviously it would be one of the first 2 but it was one of the rare times the show drifted into set up for a coda fic where they were given that privacy and even the hint that this could transgress expectations because it was indisputably the last scene of the episode we could have between members of TFW and all the plot was over so there was nothing for them to discuss except feelings.

I think my expectation for a scene where it’s going to go canon for real will cross some of those same invisible boundary lines and that’s what gets my heart hammering about things on this show. Moments where I’m not sure what it going to happen and I’m out of a comfort zone of being able to confidently say I can predict it all in a rote way, where character reactions are all somewhat reliable. There’s sometimes stray dialogue where they seem to hint so far. The only times recently they got me was the 11x11 line about pining for somebody else. I could feel my heart against my ribs and I got up to walk it off because I thought I would die if I stayed in front of the screen, because it crossed a line of stuff that seemed acceptable to say about Dean in the context of knowing Robbie is very aware of what he’s doing and even on first watch the episode had a lot of Destiel cues in it to go with the Amara surface text (also that means Robbie got me twice in a row and I sort of haven’t forgiven him :P). 

And specifically the giving of the mixtape because the set up to the scene didn’t feel weird at all to me, I was predicting exactly how it would happen until it completely threw me for a loop that they would use an almost always romantic trope (without further context and Dean and Cas are *terrible* context to judge a trope by because they are a trope dispute battleground where mainstream romantic tropes go to Hunger Games it out :P) in the middle of what should have been another round of the subtextually romantic but surface text everything else Destiel is on top of that argument. So yeah that really was a weird moment because it was more like becoming untethered from expectations and I think that’s why 12x23 still hasn’t really hit a place in my heart yet because I’m still seeing the last shot of Dean and Cas in my eyelids when I blink and the boundary-crossing it did is surreal to me because the line I drew behind it once upon a time was how to make it canon in the worst possible way if they were going to fuck with us >.> 

I guess that’s a 3rd one. But anyway. It was so weird. Like… that feeling of not quite believing it? I think there’s a lot of joking we do about it but there’s actually expectations and we will ALWAYS expect Dean and Cas’s language or language about them to single them out as a partnership. Or the oddly specific clarifications like we/I need you, I love you/all of you. Or Dean and Cas to get into a stinking argument while Sam’s eyebrows raise to the moon in the background and he clears his throat until it’s raw. Dean fielding the phonecalls and wandering off in private or going on speaker phone in alarm when Sam comes nearby. There are a LOT of basic expectations I have about how their relationship is written and not many things transcend those lines. Even a lot of the romantic gestures we’ve had since I was watching. Like the end of 10x14, was a “well duh” if you search your heart and only extreme pessimism and distrust in the writing of the show or its patterns and tropes.

Actually 9x18 which got me into the show was another one of those transgressions and a really important one where Robbie (fuck you) really drew attention to stuff you’re not supposed to point out  - not just using the fourth wall break to point out there’s a story, but that it has a subtext and that it’s drawing attention to it. And 10x05 telling us the subtext exists and it belongs to Dean and Cas who are a couple in real life (which is also queer). Now I think about it there are more of these way back when and they’re all Robbie’s fault until recently :P He’s given me at least 4 mild heart attacks. 

Aaaanyway I guess what I’m saying is, the times when I get really dizzy and alarmed about what’s going on is when something doesn’t go like it’s supposed to, and the “supposed to” on this show is a very specific pattern of reactions and stuff which are still romantic and yet because we’re used to them being the telling of Destiel, are actually *boring*. If they repeat them without escalating them, it’s nice to have the continuity and reassuring presence that Dean will always sidle up to Cas and look him head to foot on his arrival in a room (pls someone explain the meeting in 12x12 to me I’m still laughing… You’ve known him how many years and you still do it???) But yeah it’s when things go off-script, as it were, to our expectations. 

So I think it would start normal as hell, the sort of thing you’d always expect them to do, and then something would just be *off* or over some invisible line, like Dean not letting go of a hug too quickly or Cas hovering on the door and not leaving when he meant to, them going to a bar and the conversation halting and one or both of them smiling and looking away after a too-long pause. Something where our expectations can chug along in the moment thinking our smart arse knowledge of these boring old teasy Destiel scenes are doing exactly what they always do - until they don’t, and we’re left reeling. 

(And, incidentally, the mixtape is definitely strike one to my mind, and the escalating panic I felt as the camera seemed to tell us, everything is over now, it’s just Sam and Dean standing outside and Mary and Lucifer are gone and Cas is dead on the floor —– and is Sam looking around at the house and Dean *isn’t* what the FUCK, Sam is going inside - and Dean - he’s still - he’s — they ———— and my brain has been stuck in dashdashdash territory on this subject ever since)

And also sorry for answering this while sick, I hope it’s not terrible but weirdly I think it was something I needed to ramble about even if it wasn’t directly about your question… I don’t think I’ve let myself think about this until new canon is less than a month away and I can start to peer between my fingers after having my hand over my eyes all summer)

[anangryally-blog]

I'm very pissed off.

I learned a lot about patience and empathy when I was young.

I remember my mom pulling imaginary patience out of her heart and tossing it to me when she could tell I was low on it. She would toss it across the room and even though it was invisible I could actually feel it working. I’d go from emotional to stable with just a few handfuls. Real, live magic. Of course now I understand it was a placebo effect. This understanding, though disappointing, has given me the confidence to understand my emotions and do my best to control how I react to them. I’m not always good at taking the ‘high road’. I do not always choose to be calm. I argue. I get emotional. Typically I do what most people do - I make a decision and my pride glues me to it no matter how right or wrong it is. The tragedy of being human. But often I struggle to commit to a single belief or side because “what if I’m wrong?” Shouldn’t we all be asking that question? I want so badly to do what’s right but what’s right for me can be wrong for someone else.

At least I know that much.

I’m not sure what to say right now about everything happening in our country. It’s very difficult to remain composed, smart, and thoughtful when you’re simultaneously outraged. I can’t picture my moms handfuls of patience being thrown in my direction and I find it impossible to see the other side. I think I’m right, but what’s right for me might not be right for someone else.

Right?

I’m not so sure anymore. Sometimes there IS a right and a wrong and no grey space in between.

I got labeled a liberal or a democrat or a hippie or whatever else I’ve been told I am because of my focus on people. Had nobody ever thrown those labels at me I’d be hanging out somewhere in the middle. When my dad was a State Representative I’d hear him talk about all the political drama amongst the other reps. He would bring up controversial bills they were going over. Sometimes he’d talk about one and I’d think, “I don’t know what the issue is there, that one seems pretty great.” The republicans are for that one. Oh. “I don’t know what everyone’s whining about with this one, it seems very helpful.” The democrats are for that one. I see.

Sometimes politics obsess over money. Sometimes politics obsess over people. Lately it seems to be obsessing over the need to choose one over the other. This is where my composure gets a bit lost. This is where my label gets put on me. I am a dirty dirty liberal because I choose people. I will always choose people. I sincerely do not understand how I could be wrong here.

I have never been in a position where someone told me I couldn’t do something, until recently when some of my rights became threatened because I am a woman — a rant for another time. Can I get married to the person I love? Yes. Can I go to school? Yes. Can I see a police officer and know he or she will protect me? Pretty confidently. Can I travel the world? Yes. Even despite speaking only one language? Yes.

What would I do if anything in my life was taken from me from a total stranger?

…What would YOU do?

Call me overreactive, but I would be So. Fucking. Angry. If a stranger told me I couldn’t do something that had absolutely nothing to do with his or her life I would want to hurt that person. I would feel violent. Protective. Confused. Misunderstood.

I have the privilege to say, “fuck you, this is my life.” I have the privilege to not NEED to consider these questions. I have the privilege of knowing my family is safe and happy.

I could choose to be silent during times of injustice. I have the privilege of making that choice even though I’m aware that not everyone around me has the same comforts.

But I don’t choose to simmer down.

Because I’m not a piece of shit.

I’m a fucking human and so are you and so are 7 billion others. Seven. Billion. Seven billion adorable, tiny babies have been brought into this world and cried and laughed and grown up.

Not a single one of these 7 billion asked to be here. Not a single one requested to be born into any particular life.

Call me a crazy, illiterate, liberal bitch but my brain cannot grasp how some people think it’s FINE to fuck with another persons life FOR NO REASON.

And don’t give me a single “reason” that has to do with money or a book or petty personal preferences, because if it doesn’t directly affect the roof over your head, the clothes on your back, or the people you love, then it doesn’t fucking matter.

I am sick of being patient, calm, cool, collected, composed, indifferent, and peaceful. I am sick of saying, “Oh woah I’m sorry I forgot to fact check that part of this issue. I didn’t realize it was going to be so detrimental to your livelihood to let a gay man marry the love of his life. I didn’t realize saving boat loads of drowning children from Syria was going to make your house too crowded. It must have escaped me that all your efforts toward helping EVERY kid have a good life is compromised now because so many of them are being aborted. I can’t believe I forgot to think about the effectiveness of a wall while I ignorantly considered putting my tax dollars instead toward free education for all the non-aborted kids. I’m out of line, I’ll go do some more reading.”

Enough of that.

Fuck you guys. Seriously fuck every single person who thinks any of the inhumane things Donald Trump and his supporters are doing is okay. Fuck every single person who has the audacity to say “Liberals want free handouts” as if none of you have ever needed any kind of support EVER in your lives. And if you’ve never needed support then it means you were given hand outs PROBABLY FROM WEALTHY RELATIVES.

I don’t have any patience left because I am educated. Has anyone ever taken a history course? Has anyone ever been taught that history repeats itself? Does nobody care about the parallels between Hitler’s agenda and Trump’s agenda? Has anyone researched psychology? Does anybody know about the Stanford Prison Experiment? Did you comprehend the results and what they told us about human behavior? Have you heard of the phenomenon the “Bystander Effect”?

I don’t have any patience left because I am empathetic and I don’t live in a magical little bubble all by myself. I don’t separate my humanity from the humanity of another human because read those words and recognize how fucking absurd it would be to do that. It’s important to me to occasionally think “what would I ACTUALLY do if I were in their shoes?” Because I am a liberal bitch who is on the right side of history and I’m definitely not going to see a side that promotes oppression and regression.

I don’t have any patience left because I am American and I fucking love what my country was meant to stand for. Remember the statue of liberty? Do you remember where she came from (hint, she is not made in America)? Do you know what she stands for? Remember how we got here? You know how fun it is to go on ancestry.com and find out all the different countries your great great grandparents came from? WE ARE ALL IMMIGRANTS AND REFUGEES. Do you know the difference between the words UNITED and DIVIDED. Guess which one we chose to put in front of our country? UNITED. Remember?

I don’t feel comfortable living my happy life day to day anymore when so many people are affected by the political corruption. Do our politics not reflect our ethics? So many people keep telling me to forget about the politics. Stop worrying, Have hope. Don’t get so mad at the people you love for supporting different things.

I’m not pissed off at people because they are republican. I’m not pissed off at people because they voted for a candidate they thought would give us palpable, necessary change. I’m not pissed off that people are protective of our borders and of our economy. I’m not pissed off that we keep an eye out for terrorists. I’m not pissed off that people don’t want their hard earned money to go to someone else.

I’M PISSED OFF BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE OKAY WITH HURTING OTHER PEOPLE. I’M PISSED OFF BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE PRETENDING SOME OF US ARE SOMEHOW BETTER THAN OTHERS.

I’m not angry about politics. I’m angry about ethics. And I don’t give a fucking shit if we are related by blood or if we have known each other for twenty years or if you volunteer at the animal shelter on the weekends. I don’t want anything to do with anybody at this point who thinks it’s okay that our president is not-so-slowly following in the footsteps of a man who gave us our largest genocide in history. I don’t want anything to do with anybody who thinks it’s okay to prevent me from getting birth control or from stopping an unwanted pregnancy. I don’t want anything to do with anybody who thinks it’s okay that racism is still an enormous issue. Nothing that’s happening right now is okay. And me trying to understand how that escapes so many people is like trying to justify slavery, the holocaust, rape, murder, child abuse, and everything else that we KNOW is wrong. There is no grey area in there. This isn’t a situation where we ponder the different sides. This isn’t about economics or politics.

I don’t support violent protests. But I don’t support silence either. I don’t want terrorists here. But I refuse to label 5 year old Syrian children as terrorists.

I don’t tend to be an extremist in any way except that right now I’m extremely protective of the people around me who don’t have my same privileges for the dumbest fucking reasons in the universe. I am unapologetically at a zero tolerance point right now. I am in FULL ally mode. I will not choose to live my life regularly because I get to. I am going to utilize my position to be here for all the people around me as best I can. I’m not going to stop complaining. I am not going to dramatically move to Canada because I actually want to make America great again, but for real this time and not on Trumps hateful agenda.

This is a terrible time for our country. And if you don’t see that, open your fucking eyes. And if you’re okay with that, remove yourself from my life because we no longer have any reason to be connected. You are supporting a divided frame of mind and the only part of that I support is you dividing yourself from me.

And if you’re scared or pissed off or confused or trying to figure out how to help, I’m here doing the same thing, always available to talk and find solutions.

I might not be able to create any huge difference, but I’m an ally for refugees, minorities, women, LBGTQ, everyone! My eyes are open always when I’m out and about and I am more than ready to stand my ground for both myself and my peers. I stand behind what I believe in and I’m done being patient.

So if you must keep asking when we will accept this presidency or when we will calm down or why I am still up and arms about everything or how on earth I can shut people out for mere politics, understand that to me and many other people in this country (and also the world) this is about ethics. And we won’t go away until it stops.

This will be in history books just like all the other shitty, unethical events our country has dealt with. Which side of history will you choose to be on?