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anhed-nia · 4 years ago

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BLOGTOBER 10/17/2020: SPOOKIES

What do we watch, when we watch movies? This question was sparked by my SOV experience with the very different, and differently interesting BLOODY MUSCLE BODYBUILDER FROM HELL and HORROR HOUSE ON HIGHWAY 5. Within the Shot On Video category, one can find inventive homemade features that are driven entirely by blood, sweat, and the creators' feeling of personal satisfaction. The results are sometimes fascinating, in their total alienation from the conventions and techniques of mainstream filmmaking, and after all, one rarely sees anything whose primary motivation is passion, here in the late stages of capitalism. But, all this talk about what goes on behind the camera points to a discrepancy in how we consume different kinds of production. The typical mode of consumption is internal to the movie: What happens in it? Do you relate to the characters? Are you able to suspend your disbelief, to experience the story on a vicarious level? One hardly needs to come up with examples of films that invite this style of viewing. Alternatively, we can experience the movie as a record of a time and place in which real people defied conventions and sometimes broke laws in order to produce a work of art. SOV production is usually viewed through this lens, where the primary interest is not the illusory content, but the filmmakers' sheer determination to create. We find some overlap in movies like EVIL DEAD, which simultaneously presents a terrifying narrative, and evidence of what a truly driven team can create without the aid of a studio, or any real money to speak of. See also, Larry Cohen's New York City-based horror films, in which a compelling drama with great acting can exist side by side with phony but beautiful effects, and exciting stories of stolen footage that would be dangerous or impossible to attempt today. I'm thinking about these different modes of consumption now because I just watched SPOOKIES, a legitimately cursed-seeming film whose harrowing production history has superseded whatever people think about what it shows on the screen. The lovingly composed blu-ray from Vinegar Syndrome includes a feature-length documentary that attempts to explain the making of the film--which is accompanied by its own feature length commentary track by documentarists Michael Gingold and Glen Baisley. The very existence of this artifact suggests a lot about the nature of this movie, in and of itself. The truth behind its existence is as funny as it is tragic.

I'm not going to do a whole breakdown of the tortured origins of SPOOKIES, which is much better told by the aforementioned documentary. To summarize: Once upon a time in the mid 1980s, filmmakers Brendan Faulkner, Thomas Doran and Frank Farel conspired to make a fun, flamboyant rubber monsterpiece called TWISTED SOULS. It was wild, ridiculous, and transparently fake-looking, but it was loved by its hard-working creators; as a viewer, that soulful sense of joy can rescue many a "bad" movie from its various foibles. Then, inevitably, sleazoid producer Michael Lee stepped in--a man who thought you could cut random frames out of the middle of scenes to improve a movie's pace--and ruined it with extreme prejudice. Carefully crafted special effects sequences were cut, relatively functional scenes were re-edited into oblivion, and the seeds of hatred were sown between the filmmakers and the producer. Ultimately, everyone who once cared for TWISTED SOULS was forced to abandon ship, and first time director Eugenie Joseph stepped in to help mutilate the picture beyond all recognition. Thus SPOOKIES was born, a mangled, unloved mutation that would curse many of its original parents to unemployability. For the audience, it is intriguingly insane, often insulting, and hard to tear your eyes off of--but in spite of whatever actually wound up on the screen, it's impossible to forget its horrifying origin story as it unspools.

As far as what's on the screen goes: A group of "friends", including a middle-aged businessman and his wife, a vinyl-clad punk rock bully and his moll, two new wave-y in-betweeners, and...a guy with a hand puppet are somehow all leaving the same party, and all ready to break into a vacant funeral home for their afterparty. Well, this happens after a 13 year old runaway inexplicably wanders in to a "birthday party" in there, that looks like it was thrown for him by Pennywise, and he has the nerve to act surprised when he is attacked by a severed head and a piratey-looking cat-man who straight up purrs and meows throughout the picture. Anyway, separately of that, which is unrelated to anything, the island of misfit friends finds a nearly unrecognizable "ouija board" in the old dark house. Actually this thing is kind of fun-looking, having been made by one of the fun-havers on the production before the day that fun died, and I wonder if anyone has considered trying to make a real board game out of it...but I digress. Naturally, the board unleashes evil forces, including a zombie uprising in the cemetery outside, a plague of Ghoulie-like ankle-biters, an evil asian spider-lady (accompanied by kyoto flutes), muck-men that fart prodigiously until they melt in a puddle of wine (?), and uh...I know I'm forgetting stuff. One of the reasons I'm forgetting is because of this whole side story about a tuxedo-wearing vampire in the basement (or somewhere?) who has entrapped a beautiful young bride by cursing her with immortality. That part is a little confusing, not only because it doesn't intersect with the rest of the movie, but because sometimes it seems contemporary--as the bride struggles to survive the zombie plague--and sometimes it seems like a flashback, as our heroes find what looks like the mummified corpse of the dracula guy, complete with his signet ring. So, I don't know what to tell you really. Those are just some of the things that happen in the movie.

Some people like this a lot, and have supported its ascendance to cult status, which is a huge relief when you know what everyone went through to make this movie, only to have it ripped away from them and used against them. I found SPOOKIES a little hard to take, for all the reasons that the cast and crew express in the documentary. It holds a certain amount of visual fascination, whatever you think of it; something of its original creativity remains evident in the movie's colorful, exaggerated look, and its steady parade of unconvincing but inventive creature effects. But then, you have to deal with the farting muck-men. What was once a scene of terror starring REGULAR muck-men, that sounded incredibly laborious to pull off, became a scene of confusing "comedy" when producer Michael Lee insisted that the creatures be accompanied by a barrage of scatalogical noises. Apparently this was Lee's dream come true, as a guy who insisted everyone pull his finger all the time, and who once tried to call the movie "BOWEL ERUPTOR". But, of all the deformations SPOOKIES endured, the fart sounds dealt a mortal injury to the filmmakers' feelings, and even without knowing that, it's hard to enjoy yourself while that's happening.

Actually, all the farts forced me to ask myself: Is this...a comedy? Like for real, as its main thing? As the movie slogged on, I had to decide that it wasn't, but I was distracted by the notion for around 40 minutes. I was only released from this nagging suspicion when the bride makes her long marathon run through throngs of slavering zombies who swarm her, grope her, and tear off her clothes, before she narrowly escapes to an even worse fate. The lengthy scene is strangely gripping, and sleazy for a movie that sometimes feels like low rent children's entertainment. Part of the sequence’s success lies in its simplicity; it is unburdened by the convoluted complications of the rest of the movie, whose esoteric parts never fall together, so it seems to take on a sustained, intensifying focus. The action itself is unnerving, as the delicate and frankly gorgeous Maria Pechuka is molested and stripped nearly-bare by her undead bachelors, running from one drooling mob to another as the horde nearly engulfs her time and again. Actually, it feels a lot like a certain genre of SOV production in which, for the right price, any old creepy nerd can pay a small crew-for-hire to tape a version of his private fantasy, whether it's women being consumed by slime, or women being consumed by quicksand, or...generally, women being consumed by something. I wish I could describe this form of production in more specific or official terms, because I genuinely think it's wonderful that people do this. Anyway, Pechuka's interminable zombie run feels a little like that, and a little like a grim italian gutmuncher, and a little like an actual nightmare. Perhaps it only stands out against its dubious surroundings, but I kind of love it--and I'm happy to love it, because apparently the late Ms. Pechuka truly loved making SPOOKIES, and wanted other people to love it, too.

Which brings me to the uncomfortable place where I land with this movie. On the one hand...I think it's bad. It's so incoherent, and so insists on its impoverished form of comedy, that it's hard to be as charmed by it as I am by plenty of FX-heavy, no-budget oddities. Perhaps the lingering odor of misery drowns out the sweet joy that the crew once felt in the early days of creation--which is still evident, somehow, in its zany special effects, created by the likes of Gabe Bartalos and other folks whose work you definitely already know and love. But I feel ambivalent, about all of this. On the one hand, I can be a snob, and shit on people for failing to make a movie that meets conventional standards of success. On the other hand, I can be a DIFFERENT kind of snob--a more voyeuristic or even sadistic one--and celebrate the painful failures that produced a movie that is most interesting for its tormented history and its amusing ineptitude. I'm not really sure where I would prefer to settle with SPOOKIES, and movies like it. (As if anything is really "like" SPOOKIES) With all that said, I was left with one soothing thought by castmember Anthony Valbiro in the documentary. At some point, he tells us how ROSEMARY'S BABY is his personal cinematic comfort food; he can put it on at night, after an exhausting day, and drift to sleep, enveloped in its warm, glowing aura. He then says that he hopes there are people out there for whom his movie serves that same purpose, that some of us can have our "milk and cookies moment" with SPOOKIES. Honestly, I choke up just thinking about that.

#blogtober #2020 #spookies #horror #supernatural #vampire #zombie #creature feature #old dark house #cursed film #thomas doran #frank farel #eugenie joseph #michael lee #vipco #twisted souls #brendan faulkner #maria pechuka

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sleemo · 7 years ago

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Jedi master Mark Hamill geeks out with Bill Hader

— Interview Magazine Nov 9, 2017

From the time of the ancient Greeks, humanity has been fascinated by the struggle between good and evil, often led by an archetypal chosen one who blazes a path of glory by separating himself from the pack. As a young actor toiling between auditions, Mark Hamill’s moment of destiny came when he took a break from TV fare such as General Hospital to read for a role in a little sci-fi film helmed by a young director fresh off an Oscar-nominated hit called American Graffiti (1973). When Hamill was cast in the original 1977 Star Wars as Luke Skywalker, an orphaned farm boy growing up on a desert planet, no one—chief among them Hamill himself—knew that the film would become one of the most influential and profitable franchises ever made.

When the announcement came a few years back that Hamill would reprise his role as the Jedi Knight in J.J. Abrams’s Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015), along with his original co-stars Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher, fans went wild. But while Hamill’s screen time was relegated to a small appearance at the end of that film (Skywalker, in ascetic seclusion on a remote planet, is discovered by a young woman who exhibits strong signs of the Force), the second installment of the new trilogy, next month’s The Last Jedi, is squarely focused on Skywalker’s journey.

On a late September afternoon, the comedian, actor, and Saturday Night Live alum Bill Hader (who was a vocal consultant for the droid BB-8 in The Force Awakens) called up Hamill from the Sony lot in Los Angeles to geek out about that iconic galaxy far, far away.

MARK HAMILL: Hi, Bill!

BILL HADER: Hey, man!

HAMILL: I’m a big fan of yours. My kids tell me that you came to my house before you were on SNL.

HADER: Yes! I was a PA on Empire of Dreams, the documentary about the Star Wars movies, and I came over to pick up some pictures of you. I sat in your living room, and I believe it was your wife who brought down the pictures, and I was like, “Oh my god, Mark Hamill’s so rad.”

HAMILL: Was I not there?

HADER: You weren’t. I didn’t want to touch anything, and the whole time I kept apologizing for my existence.

HAMILL: Were any of my kids there? Nathan or Griffin or Chelsea?

HADER: No, but when I first moved to L.A. in 1999, Nathan and I ran in the same circle for a bit. I had a friend who had a massive crush on him. I remember once we had to go to this bowling thing because Nathan was going to be there. [sirens wail in the background] Sorry, I’m robbing a bank right now. Hold on.

HAMILL: [laughs] I saw your tauntaun and Jabba the Hutt impersonations on YouTube. It’s a talent of yours I had never seen. I like that you keep alive the legacy of some of the actors that I love, like Vincent Price. I’ll be talking to people your age and younger, and I’ll mention Lee Marvin [Hamill’s co-star in The Big Red One, 1980] and a lot of them will go, “Who’s Lee Marvin?”

HADER: Oh, my god.

HAMILL: It just goes to show how fleeting fame is.

HADER: I remember I was at Comic-Con once, and I looked over and there was this long line for, I don’t know, the stars of some lesbian vampire series from Mexico, and then all by himself was [stop-motion animation and special effects master] Ray Harryhausen.

HAMILL: Did you go talk to him?

HADER: Yeah! I was like, “Oh my god, you’re Ray Harryhausen.”

HAMILL: He’s always been an icon for me. I was so into that stuff as a kid. I mean, The 7th Voyage of Sin-bad [1958] and Jason and the Argonauts [1963] and First Men in the Moon [1964] and on and on and on. I lived for that stuff. I got to interview him once on the floor at Comic-Con for Comic Book: The Movie—he was the quintessential gentleman of another era.

HADER: Were you always a fan of this stuff?

HAMILL: I was a total freak for these kinds of movies. As for getting the role of Luke Skywalker, I really stumbled into it. Just last year, I saw that they included our audition tapes as a DVD extra, and I saw William Katt’s and Robby Benson’s and Kurt Russell’s tapes, and they were all great. It seems so arbitrary that I was anointed.

HADER: Was it true that they were casting for Carrie [1976] at the same time?

HAMILL: When we auditioned, it was a total cattle call, where they didn’t even tell us about the movie—we just went in and talked for a few minutes. Brian De Palma was looking for actors for Carrie and sitting next to him was George Lucas. Since Lucas didn’t speak the whole time, I thought he was De Palma’s assistant. I didn’t know what he looked like! So I did my thing, and a couple of weeks later, I went to my agent, and there were six or seven pages of audition material for me. By the time I got the part, I assumed that Harrison Ford was the lead, because he’s a traditional leading man. I thought I was going to be his sidekick, you know, like Captain America and Bucky.

HADER: Or Batman and Robin.

HAMILL: Then I opened up the script, and at the time it said: The Adventures of Luke Starkiller as Taken From the “Journal of the Whills,” Saga I: Star Wars. I just couldn’t believe my eyes. I thought, “How are they going to do all this?” Robots, the Death Star, all of it—it blew my mind.

HADER: Did you have confidence that they could do it?

HAMILL: You have to believe. But it’s always a little disconcerting—what you imagine in your head and what you see on set.

HADER: Describe a moment on set when you went, like, “Wait, these are the Sand People?”

HAMILL: The lightsabers, for a start. George referred to it as the most expensive low-budget movie ever made. At one point, Fox screened raw footage to some people, because they needed more money to finish it. Imagine it with no effects, no music, no nothing. The general consensus, because it played so horribly, was that they should just shut it down and take a tax loss. It was only [20th Century Fox executive] Alan Ladd Jr. who saw the potential and gave us his blessing. I think they gave us like a million and a half more. Do you remember seeing it when you were young? Did it scare you, or did you love it?

HADER: I remember going to see Return of the Jedi [1983] on my fifth birthday—the people tearing the tickets were dressed as stormtroopers—but the first image I can remember on a movie theater screen is that close-up from Empire [The Empire Strikes Back, 1980], of Han in carbonite. I flipped out, and my dad had to take me out of the theater. Then he told me the whole thing on the ride back; he was like, “Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s dad!” And that’s how he said it—not his father, his dad. [laughs] What was it like, back then, leading such a massive franchise?

HAMILL: It was kind of like The Prince and the Pauper, where one day you’re nobody and the next you’re partying with Andy Warhol. It was surreal. I came from a big enough family, so I didn’t let it get to my head too much or change my view of the world. The first time I went to the Oscars was like that, too. It wasn’t really me walking the red carpet. It was like watching a movie of a Hollywood premiere. You have to have an intellectual distance from it, because it’s so atypical from your everyday life. I’m sure you feel the same way. You can’t sit in the park and people watch anymore, that ship has sailed. Star Wars ebbed and flowed, but I never expected it to come back, certainly not with this intensity. Carrie and I were in Orlando, with fans. It’s just astonishing the passion and affection that they have for all of this stuff. It’s overwhelming. You can get emotional about it because it’s so personal, the way they relate it to their own lives.

HADER: Batman, too. [Hamill has served as the voice of the Joker in animated series, films, and video games, starting with Batman: The Animated Series in 1992.]

HAMILL: That’s a whole subgenre of comic book nerds who know that I’m a nerd, too. I’m one of them, so they love the fact that I’m not posing.

HADER: What is it like working with [Last Jedi director] Rian Johnson or J.J. Abrams, people who grew up with Star Wars? Is it ever weird to be told things about your character, when you know him better than anyone else?

HAMILL: With J.J. and with Rian, it’s the first time that the fan generation has grown into being in the position that they are. I was surprised in many ways how they saw not just my character, but the overall piece, because you get really possessive over the years. But Rian, what a blessing that guy is. He is unassuming and amiable. I’ve never seen him raise his voice. I’ve never heard him curse. I never heard him humiliate anybody else in front of the entire crew.

HADER: [laughs] When the first trilogy ended, did you feel a sense of relief? I know when I left SNL, it was a big relief.

HAMILL: It was exhilarating. It felt like senior year of high school. You know those last moments when you’re clearing out your locker? You’re going to miss all these people you know, but there’s the exhilaration of what comes next. It’s like jumping out of an airplane and hoping for the best, hoping your parachute opens. I was lucky that a lot of pressure was taken off financially; I didn’t have to do stuff that I didn’t want to do, so I indulged myself. I always wanted to do theater, so I did lots of theater. I got to do a comic mockumentary, and I wrote a comic book, and I discovered that the Joker gave me a whole new career. I didn’t expect to be the Joker, of course, but with voice acting, it liberates you to play characters you’d never do in a million years because you’re physically not right. You can show up looking like hell, you don’t have to memorize your lines because you can read them right off the page, and you get to play the most fun parts. You come in and you kick everyone’s ass and you get your own ass kicked, and then you go home.

HADER: I do animated things, too, and they’re so much fun. But do you get tired after a session?

HAMILL: Oh, yeah. It’s a real workout. But it’s so entertaining. It’s like going to a really great nightclub act and getting paid for it.

HADER: I really liked The Big Red One. What was that like?

HAMILL: I was a huge Sam Fuller fan. Within five minutes of meeting him, I went, “Holy Christ, I’ve been drafted!” He got up on his feet and he started telling me the story of that film, with the explosions and the rat-a-tat-tat, and I was mesmerized. He had such charisma, such magic. He was a firecracker, like Yosemite Sam. I was traumatized when it came out because, even though it got good reviews and takes its place among the great war films, it wasn’t what we all hoped for. They cut it down to an hour and 50 minutes, to the point where it was so incomprehensible. Now, of course, it’s been restored to its proper length. If anybody’s reading this and is thinking about watching the movie: make sure it’s the two-and-a-half-hour version! Not that truncated version. I wish Sam were alive to have seen that because that would have made him happy, and he deserved it. Like any great artist who is ahead of the time, he was not welcome in Hollywood at a certain point.

HADER: There was a great documentary about him called The Typewriter, the Rifle, & the Movie Camera. That was when I first heard about him.

HAMILL: Was I in it?

HADER: You’re not talking in it, but there’s a clip from The Big Red One in it.

HAMILL: Okay, yeah, I remember that one. I hope you and I get to work together some time.

HADER: That would be awesome.

HAMILL: I have been loyal to Saturday Night Live from the very beginning. When it first came on, I said, “We’d better enjoy this because it’s for sure going to be cancelled. This is only going to last one season.” So I started taping them all. I had no idea it would become such an institution. I guess we can both relate to getting lucky and hitting the jackpot.

BILL HADER IS A COMEDIAN, ACTOR, AND WRITER. THIS SPRING HE WILL STAR IN THE HBO SERIES BARRY, WHICH HE CO-CREATED.

— Interview Magazine

#interview #mark hamill #bill hader #star wars #cast #luke skywalker #interview magazine

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todaysbiggesthits · 5 years ago

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Odds, Ends

The Leftovers

TBH Era:

Nasty’s 16-20

16. Daft Punk - Random Access Memories 17. Chromatics - Kill for Love 18. A$AP Rocky - Live. Love. ASAP 19. Yeasayer - Odd Blood 20. Action Bronson - Blue Chips 1 & 2

Larson’s 16-20

16. Lizzo - Cuz I Love You 17. Taylor Swift - Lover 18. Waxahatchee - Out in the Storm 19. tUnE-yArDs - W H O K I L L 20. The Weeknd - Beauty Behind the Madness

BC’s 16-20

16. Youth Lagoon - The Year of Hibernation 17. Disclosure - Settle 18. Kurt Vile - b’lieve i’m goin down 19. Lotus Plaza - Spooky Action at a Distance 20. Vampire Weekend - Modern Vampires of the City

Bronco’s 16-28

16. High on Fire - De Vermis Mysteriis 17. Violent Soho - Violent Soho 18. Moontooth - Chromaparagon 19. Thou - Rhea Sylvia 20. Alien Weaponry - Tu 21. Elder - Reflections of a Floating World 22. Inter Arma - The Cavern 23. Windhand - Eternal Return 24. MAKE - The Golden Veil 25. King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard - Nonagon Infinity 26. Slugdge - Esoteric Malacology 27. Monoliths - Monoliths 28. Violent Soho - Hungry Ghosts

Code’s 16-26

16. Robyn – Body Talk 17. Colleen Green – Sock it to Me 18. Colleen Green – I Want to Grow Up 19. Kanye West – My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy 20. Washer – All Aboard 21. Spook Houses – Trying 22. Alien Boy – Sleeping Lessons 23. EMA – Exile in the Outer Ring 24. PAWS – Cokefloat! 25. Snooty Garbagemen – Snooty Garbagemen 26. All Dogs - All Dogs

Chap’s 16-33

16. Tomberlin - At Weddings 17. Dan Deacon - America 18. Cloud Nothings - Attack on Memory 19. Lana Del Rey - Norman Fucking Rockwell! 20. M83 - Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming 21. Jessica Pratt - Quiet Signs 22. Father John Misty - I Love You, Honeybear 23. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Skeleton Tree 24. Lost Under Heaven - Spiritual Songs for Lovers to Sing 25. Titus Andronicus - The Most Lamentable Tragedy 26. Kanye West - Yeezus 27. PJ Harvey - Let England Shake 28. Girls - Broken Dreams Club 29. Robyn - Body Talk 30. No Age - Everything In Between 31. The National - Trouble Will Find Me 32. Girls - Father, Son, Holy Ghost 33. Youth Lagoon - The Year of Hibernation

JD’s 16-57

16. Kacey Musgraves - Golden Hour 17. Animal Collective - Centipede Hz 18. DIIV - Oshin 19. Ariel Pink - Pom Pom 20. Beach House - Depression Cherry 21. Purple Mountains - Purple Mountains 22. Kanye West - The Life of Pablo 23. Panda Bear - Tomboy 24. Death Grips - The Money Store 25. Parquet Courts - Wide Awake! 26. Slowdive - Slowdive 27. Lana Del Rey - Norman Fucking Rockwell! 28. Radiohead - The King of Limbs 29. LCD Soundsystem - This is Happening 30. Deerhunter - Halcyon Digest 31. Destroyer - Kaputt 32. Grouper - Ruins 33. Parquet Courts - Sunbathing Animal 34. Jessica Pratt - Quiet Signs 35. Joanna Newsom - Divers 36. Nine Inch Nails - 3 EPs 37. Earl Sweatshirt - Some Rap Songs 38. The Strokes - Angles 39. William Basinski - A Shadow in Time 40. Todd Terje - It’s Album Time! 41. The Knife - Tomorrow, In a Year 42. Oneohtrix Point Never - Replica 43. Julianna Barwick - Will 44. Eleanor Friedberger - Rebound 45. LCD Soundsystem - American Dream 46. Vampire Weekend - Modern Vampires of the City 47. Panda Bear - Buoys 48. No Age - Snares Like a Haircut 49. Dirty Beaches - Badlands 50. Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti - Before Today 51. Underworld - Barbara Barbara, we face a shining future 52. Frankie Cosmos - Zentropy 53. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Skeleton Tree 54. The Voidz - Virtue 55. Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross - The Social Network Soundtrack 56. Pantha du Prince - Black Noise 57. Colleen Green - Sock it to Me

‘19:

Laser’s 16-20

16. King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard - Infest the Rats’ Nest 17. The Black Keys - “Let’s Rock” 18. Electric Guest - KIN 19. Stella Donnelly - Beware of the Dogs 20. Tegan and Sara - Hey, I’m Just Like You

Bronco’s 16-20

16. Blackwater Holylight - Veils of Winter 17. Year of the Cobra - Ash and Dust 18. Blood Incantation - Hidden History of the Human Race 19. sunn O))) - Pyroclasts 20. Baroness - Gold & Grey

Chap’s 16-20

16. Field Medic - fade into the dawn 17. Brittany Howard - Jaime 18. Mannequin Pussy - Patience 19. The National - I Am Easy to Find 20. Vampire Weekend - Father of the Bride

JD’s 16-24

16. Sui Zhen - Losing, Linda 17. Empath - Active Listening: Night on Earth 18. Gesaffelstein - Novo Sonic System 19. Earl Sweatshirt - Feet of Clay 20. No Age - A Cassette of a Live Ambient Performance 21. Paul Maroon - A Two Song 45 I Bought On Etsy 22. Denzel Curry - ZUU 23. Avey Tare - Cows on Hourglass Pond 24. Vampire Weekend - Father of the Bride

From the Desk of

Bronco’s Brettnacher-Certified Attendance Report

2019: A Broncospective

This was a year of waiting. Waiting for Tool. And I feel like I treated the rest of the year's music up until that point as thumb-twiddling whilst waiting for the big payoff. This year seemed to be filled with passable hold-over music. And a sense of dread as the months ticked by, that dread that comes with the unattainable expectations I've come to experience as I've grown older. Waiting for something awesome to happen, and then it happens, and it's not nearly as awesome as you hoped it to be. I've come to equate anticipation with dread now...to the point that I do my damnedest to avoid anticipation by pushing everything future out of my mind. So I live in the present now, and I feel totally unprepared every single day. Weekends come and I have no idea what's happening. I really should rethink this strategy and maybe just try not to build up my expectations. Fuck it. Either way, I was dreading the new Tool album. There's no way it could live up to a 13 year wait. Then it came. And it was good. Not redefine my life and realign my soul good, just perfect. It was what we all needed, those of us who have been waiting. One album that definitely wasn't a time-killer during the great Tool wait of nine deen was King Gizzard's 'Infest the Rats Nest.' That easily would have been my number one album this year had it not landed in the same year as Fear Innoculum. I actually had a hard time deciding which one was my number one, but in the end had to place Rat's Nest second. I know these guys have pumped out so many records in the past few years, but I was pleasantly surprised at their ability to sound like themselves while at the same time ripping out a proper metal album. The subject matter, the riffs, all of it is great. And it's accessible to non-metal folks who want to hear some tasty licks. Lastly, I listened to a lot of hardcore this year too. Unlike any other year, something about it spoke to me. I don't know if it's our current political climate or what, but the indecipherable doomy sludgly stonery spacey lyrics of the stuff I'm usually in to felt like a nondescript blob of meaninglessness (not that I care what their meaning is at any other time). But the hardcore scene felt important. Like something topical was being said (or screamed), and said hard. The sheer anger in the music, I think, reflects the way I feel on a daily basis as I'm inundated with political shit from NYT, WashPo, CNN, etc. etc. etc. News about no news, filler designed to get me pissed off about shit that's out of my control, and designed to push me over the edge when the eventual outcome of all of this outrage is just more outrage that none of the original outrage mattered at all. That feeling of not being heard, the voice of reason being smothered by a sweat stained pillow owned by some bible thumping hypocrite child fucker, is maddening. To the point that all you want to do is scream until you're heard...like Sara Connor at the chainlink fence before Judgement Day destroys the playground and melts her skin off her body. That's what some of these acts have sounded like. And it's scratching an itch. Probably not going to be my jam for an extended period of time, I don't see myself pivoting to this corner of the genre, but like a good enima, this stuff has cleared my brain's bowels for the better this year. Here's to the next chapter, the next decade, and the next Tool album in 2035. Hail Satan, Happy Holidays, and a Happy New (Wave of British Heavy Metal) Year to you all.

From the Bin Bin

Nasty’s Best Rap of the Decade

Nasty’s Video of the Year

Da Baby - “BOP on Broadway”

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JD's Silver Screen Video Staff Recommendations: Long Form Shelf

Solange - When I Get Home

youtube

Earl Sweatshirt - Nowhere, Nobody

youtube

Thom Yorke - Anima

New to Code in 2019

Colleen Green - Dude Ranch (cover of full album) Ganser - Odd Talk Felt - Forever Breathes the Lonely Word Duster - Capsule Losing Contact Dungen - 4 Alien Boy - Sleeping Lessons Charmer - Charmer Michael Cera Palin - I Don't Konw How to Explain It

Interloper’s Corner

Fergwad’s 1-10 of the Decade

1. Tame Impala - Lonerism 2. Tame Impala - Currents 3. Vampire Weekend - Modern Vampires of the City 4. Beach House - Bloom 5. Kanye West - Yeezus 6. Real Estate - Days 7. Beach House - Teen Dream 8. No Age - Everything in Between 9. Deerhunter - Hacyon Digest 10. Vampire Weekend - Contra

Ferg’s 10 “Call the Fire Department” Songs of the Decade

Tammy Rooney’s 1-10 of ‘19

1. Vampire Weekend - Father of the Bride 2. Cass McCombs - Tip of the Sphere 3. William Tyler - Goes West 4. Purple Mountains - Purple Mountains 5. Bon Iver - i, i 6. Strand of Oaks - Eraserland 7. Sharon Van Etten - Remind Me Tomorrow 8. Thom Yorke - Anima 9. Deerhunter - Why Hasn't Everything Disappeared Already 10. Hiss Golden Messenger - Terms of Surrender

From the Desk of Code’s Pal Jon Wotman

Artists spend an entire career and oceans of money in an effort to *shimmer.* I Wonder: shrug, yeah I shimmer so what. It’s not hard. -This, and the lines below, taken from an imagined documentary called “'I Wonder' Speaks” Somehow, despite the fact that in its initial release the recording sounds like a construction project nailed hastily in a tin lean-to (and the hammering was also included in the mix)... I Wonder: you take ecstasy and it’s not like everything drops away clean. There’s blood in there, there’s all the memory and old feelings and shit in your brain that that drugs have to sweep out and they don’t want to leave. It’s messy and I made it messy on purpose. You wanna make something really good, it’s got to feel messy even if it’s got the 90 degree bones of a skyscraper underneath. [Handclap.] It’s not hard. “When I look over my shoulder, I know who’ll be on the other side” effortlessly combines gesture, solidity, and faith in what must be the most romantic line of the decade. I Wonder: Everyone thinks writing about this stuff is hard. It’s not. “… and things’ll get trashy when we get to my place… “ presents sex as both without forethought and deeply premeditated, but, in both cases, without judgement… it’s the most erotic line of the decade. I Wonder: I’m not punning. No fucking way. And shame on your for putting me in this position. There’s some judgment for you. Any closing thoughts? I Wonder: Y’know.

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constantviewings · 5 years ago

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The TV Show Trials - Lore

Lore is a horror anthology television series developed by the creator of the podcast of the same name, Aaron Mahnke. The show combines documentary footage and cinematic scenes to tell horror stories and their origins.

After two months in a row of reviewing serial TV shows, I decided to take a break and watch another anthology series. For some reason, I was originally under the impression that this was going to be a fiction series (mostly because I hadn’t researched it before I watched it) but I was pleasantly surprised by the documentary-cinematic hybrid. Before I review each episode individually, I will mention that the entire series is only twelve episodes so I was unable to review my regular fifteen episodes.

They Made a Tonic

Before we knew how disease spread, medicine was as much superstition as it was science. And in the small New England towns of the 1800s, there is a belief that consumption can only be stopped by making sure the dead are actually dead.

This episode was the perfect introduction to this series and I was incredibly surprised by the amount of random information that I learnt from this episode. Such as the origin of the phrase ‘saved by the bell’ and the cultural origin of vampires; something I thought was completely originated in fiction.

Echoes

Dr Walter Freeman is the father of the icepick lobotomy. He believes the ten-minute procedure will all but end the need for the mental hospital. He has the best of intentions but winds up creating an entirely new kind of horror story.

I didn’t think it was possible to go from not knowing who someone was to hating them in the span of twenty minutes, but this episode did just that. Though this episode wasn’t the most entertaining, it provided an insight in a practise that I thought was long dead by the fifties.

Black Stockings

In 19th century Ireland, folklore has a strong hold. Michael Cleary is convinced his wife, Bridget, has been replaced by a fairy called a changeling. And his belief drives him to the most extreme act.

This is the highest rated episode of the series and I understand why. That being said, I don’t have much to say about this episode as I don’t remember most of the information it presented; which may mean that I didn’t enjoy it too much.

Passing Notes

In 19th century America, at the height of the Spiritualist Movement, a haunted house is not just the stuff of ghost stories. Many believe the dead can talk and, sometimes, will come back from the other side to wreak havoc on the living.

This episode is my second favourite of the first season and the last episode I watched; as I somehow managed to skip it. I feel, as more episodes cover similar phenomena, I should preface that I don’t believe in ghosts, demons, or anything else of that kind. That being said, I thoroughly enjoyed this episode.

The Beast Within

Werewolves are now movie monsters. But they were once thought to be all too real. In 1589, villagers in Bedburg, Germany, are convinced that werewolf is killing women and children only to discover the killer is really one of their own.

This episode covers the origin of another fictional legend, werewolves. While I somewhat enjoyed this episode, I wish the origins of a silver bullet being able to kill a werewolf had been covered in the episode; even though they have no relation to The Werewolf of Bedburg.

Unboxed

Robert Gene Otto is a child without friends. That is, until he received a doll as a gift. He names the doll after himself, Robert. They become fast friends and soon the boy believes the doll is real. But to everyone else…Robert the Doll is a curse.

Robert the Doll is an entity that genuinely spooks me, not because of any supernatural reasons, but simply because he looks gross. This is my favourite episode of the series as it covered a topic that I already knew parts of, but also revealed information that I didn’t know.

It should be stated here that Season 2 takes a completely different approach to Season 1 as it turns from a combination of dramatisations and documentary footage to strictly cinematic portrayals of spooky historical events.

In The Name of Science

Two shunned Irish immigrant in Scotland start off as grave robbers to sell the dead to doctors, but decide that creating their own inventory is much easier, and become the most prolific mass-murdering due in history.

Thanks to my obsession with Horrible Histories, both the books and the TV series, in my younger years I already knew the full story of Burke and Hare. Unfortunately, that made this episode almost unbearable to watch; its extended runtime of 50 minutes didn’t help either.

Mirror, Mirror

The ageing Countess of Blood, running out of virginal peasants to drain of their youthful essence, brings in a bright-eyed noble to start a new cycle of torture and murder.

The first thing I noticed upon starting this episode was the drastically different runtime from the previous episode, a meagre 20 minutes. This is a recurring issue with the second season that I will elaborate further in my final thoughts. Another issue with this episode is that I didn’t know who Elizabeth Bathory was before I started this episode, and frankly I still don’t care.

Ghosts in the Attic

In the German hinterlands, between World Wars, a family goes to bed, not knowing that their killer has been living in the walls and attics of their home like a ghost, watching, waiting for his chance to strike, in one of the most famous unsolved mysteries of all time.

Much like almost every other episode in this season, this episode is extremely boring and slow paced. It doesn’t help that the acting in this episode isn’t great either.

The Curse of the Orloj

As two clockmakers race against the curse of the Orloj, a curse that has already driven the city of Prague to madness and death with the Black Plague, these brothers will discover the price of trying to change history.

There are three words to perfectly surmise my thoughts towards this episode: I don’t care. I uttered this phrase under my breath almost every ten minutes and I kept checking the runtime to see how much of this I had to bear until it was over. If these two things don’t tell you how much I despise this episode, I don’t know what will.

The Witch of Hadley

A young woman, raised in a town controlled by a religious zealot, must rectify a fatal mistake before a ravenous mob hangs the Old Witch, Mary Webster, in this story set just 11 years before and 100 miles from Salem, Massachusetts.

First off, Mary Webster was already covered briefly in season 1 where a character says “you are haunted by Goody Basset, a witch hung the 6020s” . That’s all you need to know about her, so why did they make a fifty minute episode elaborating on a single sentence? Not to mention that Mary Webster doesn’t have anything to do with the Salem Witch Trials and the fact that she was killed 11 years and 100 miles away from them is pure coincidence.

The Devil and the Divine

In 1922 only one person, Jack Parsons, believed that we would send a rocket into space and conjure a demon. By 1952 he had done both. But all he cared about was the Scarlet Woman he had both summoned, and lost, Marjorie Cameron.

Here we are that the only good episode in season 2. The main reasons I covet this episode so much higher above the others is because it’s a well-made episode and it isn’t mind-numbingly boring.

Final Thoughts:

Season 1 what great, Season 2 was terrible

The runtimes for Season Two’s episodes were inconsistent ranging from anywhere between twenty and sixty minutes

Did I like this show? Season One, yes. Season Two, no.

Will I continue watching? As Lore hasn’t been renewed for a third season, I can’t continue watching it, but I will give the podcast a chance.

#The TV Show Trials #Lore

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wbwest · 7 years ago

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New Post has been published on WilliamBruceWest.com

New Post has been published on http://www.williambrucewest.com/2017/07/21/west-week-ever-pop-culture-review-72117/

West Week Ever: Pop Culture In Review - 7/21/17

I haven’t been doing such a great job with my movie tally for 2017. We’re more than halfway through the year, and I’ve barely watched anything. Well, I kinda made up for that last weekend, as I caught Keeping Up With The Joneses on HBO. This is one of those movies that came and went, and might find a fan base on TV, but will probably just be forgotten. If it should be remembered for anything, it’s that it features both Gal Gadot and Isla Fisher in lingerie. That’s about all it’s got going for it. What’s it about? Well, Isla Fisher and Zack Galifianakis star as a milquetoast suburbanite couple who become suspicious of their new neighbors, Jon Hamm and Gal Gadot. So, they’re pushed out of their comfort zone when they find out Hamm and Gadot are spies, and they get wrapped up in their latest mission. This is the kind of movie I would’ve killed a chunk of a Saturday afternoon on had it aired on Fox 5, but I can understand why nobody went to see it in theaters. Folks loved Don Draper, but for whatever reason, they have no desire to help along Jon Hamm’s movie career. And this was pre-Wonder Woman Gadot, so there was no heat on her yet. It doesn’t suck, but it’s got no Wow Factor either. Once it hits FX, it might be a good way to waste away a rainy Sunday afternoon.

I finally got around to watching The Nice Guys, too. I’d tried a few months ago, but I only got as far as the Ryan Gosling fully clothed in the bathtub scene, where I went, “What the eff am I watching?” I wasn’t ready for the absurd that night, but I was ready now. Like everyone had told me, it was really good. I still have trouble with heist/mystery films because my brain doesn’t work as fast as the film, so sometimes I have to reflect back on the thing when it’s over just to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Ryan Gosling is a private investigator who teams up with local tough guy Russell Crowe to track down a missing girl. Sure, there’s some stuff about porn, and the Detroit auto lobby, but that’s the gist of the movie. It’s got a precocious kid, a cool 70s aesthetic, and titties. Can’t really hate on any of that. Anyway, I could see this as one of those movies I drop everything to watch whenever I see that it’s on. If you haven’t seen it, definitely check it out.

My new favorite reality show debuted this week on Bravo, called A Night With My Ex. It’s just what the title says: a former couple spends the night together to see if the spark is still there and/or to reopen old wounds. In the premiere, 28 year old virgin Rachel is reunited to smarmy douchebag ex-boyfriend Fabian. They dated for four years, but he cheated on her with a sexy Tinkerbell at a Halloween party because he had a major case of blue balls. When the show starts, you don’t think Fabian is really that bad of a guy. He knows he made a mistake, and he even plans to propose to Rachel because he wants her in his life forever. But things go south quickly. He chastises her for scraping her plate with her fork as she eats, and he tries to make her give him a handjob once they’re in bed. All the while, she’s trying to actually apologize for basically pushing him to cheat by withholding sex, but he never lets her get a word out before saying/doing something stupid. Finally she declares that she deserves better than him, and basically laughs in his face when he proposes. That was some damn good television! If anything, I’d say the show is too short at 30 minutes, but they only spend one night together, and not the whole weekend, so I guess that’s all they could edit together. It’s a lot like MTV’s old show, The X Effect, only the couple’s current partners aren’t spying on the date like they were in that show. Anyway, it’s only been one episode, but I count me in for the next nine!

In TV news, it was announced that Game of Thrones showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss have lined up their post-GoT project, Confederate, which is an alternate history series set prior to the United States’ 3rd Civil War. Well, this rang some alarm bells for some folks, as you can’t really get into the Confederacy and Civil War without dealing with slavery. And folks weren’t really happy about these White showrunners making what some considered to be “slavery fanfic”. What hasn’t been covered extensively, though, is that the project is really just coasting on the fact that the GoT showrunners are attached, but they’re not the only ones involved. Husband-wife team of Malcolm Spellman and Nichelle Tramble Spellman , who are Black, will be partners on the show along with Benioff and Weiss. Plus, the show it’s so deep in its infancy that there aren’t even character names or an outline yet. It was originally developed as a two-hour movie, but they decided it could be fleshed out and taken to television. There’s basically nothing on paper for it yet, though, so there’s not much for folks to be upset about at this stage other than mere speculation. The Spellmans acknowledge the criticism, but say that they’d rather it had followed the premiere of the show instead of starting now, as it’s being announced. At this point, I think it’s safe to say that this criticism will go into shaping the show going forward, so we may never get what they originally intended to put out.

youtube

We got a new trailer for Marvel’s Inhumans. Still looks like garbage. I’ve loved Iwan Rheon since Misfits, but I can’t follow him here. This just looks so bad. Look, I’m gonna watch it, but I really don’t see how there’s any damn way I’m paying for an IMAX ticket to see it in theaters.

youtube

We also got a new teaser for The Defenders, which teases the Punisher series at the end. People are going nuts online about this thing because it’s narrated by Stan Lee, but I actually think he’s tonally wrong for this clip. When I think of Stan, I think of his marquee, larger than life characters – NOT the street-level vigilantes. I almost feel like it would’ve been better narrated by Bendis or Brubaker, but they don’t have the recognition factor that Stan has. I get that. Still, it just feels like a hollow waste of a cameo.

Things You Might Have Missed This Week

The good Lord answered my prayers, as Chris Hardwick and Comedy Central have “mutually decided” to end @midnight. I won’t miss his smarmy face or those stupid hashtag games.

I guess the third time’s the charm, as Paige Davis will start her 3rd hosting stint on Trading Spaces when it returns to TLC later this year

Ed Sheeran was on Game of Thrones this week, and I guess some folks didn’t like that. I dunno. I kinda couldn’t care less about Sheeran or GoT, but folks were hatin’!

Meanwhile, it was reported that Lena Dunham will join American Horror Story for season 7, and folks lost their shit about that, too. Apparently she’ll only be in one episode, but that was enough for some folks to claim they weren’t gonna watch anymore.

Transformers: Titans Return will debut in November as an animated micro series on the Go90 app, featuring the voices of Green Ranger Jason David Frank and the original Rodimus Prime himself, Judd Nelson.

MTV is in talks to reboot Teen Wolf before this iteration’s final season has even concluded. Slow it down!

Sega broke up with Archie Comics over Twitter, thereby ending the Sonic The Hedgehog comic after 24 years of publication

Seacrest IN! Ryan Seacrest has officially signed on to host ABC’s revival of American Idol. I feel like I’ve written this sentence 3 times in the past already, but now it’s for real for real.

Coming as no real surprise since The Vampire Diaries ended, The CW announced that its spinoff, The Originals, will end after its upcoming season.

In an odd choice, the directors of the original Catfish documentary (the movie, not the show) are in talks talks to helm a Mega Man film that will be produced by Masi Oka of Heroes fame.

Words with Friends is being developed into a television game show. Ya know, so it’s basically the Scrabble game show being rebooted.

Meanwhile on Black Twitter, R. Kelly is allegedly running a sex cult, Usher paid a woman $1.1 million for her to keep quiet about the fact that he gave her herpes, and Kevin Hart allegedly got caught cheating on his pregnant wife. I’m just waiting for some crazy Steve Harvey news to round out the week.

At San Diego Comic Con, MGM announced Stargate Origins, which appears to be a prequel webseries that will run on the Stargate Command website this fall.

Shazam! will be the next DC film to go into production, following Justice League and Aquaman, but it’s unclear if Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson will co-star as Black Adam.

There might soon be a new Cutco salesman on the block, as OJ Simpson has been granted parole from the armed robbery that landed him in prison nine years ago. The Juice is almost loose!

I love those weeks when the West Week Ever recipient presents itself early in the week, ’cause it’s pretty much smooth sailing after that. This was one of those weeks, as history was made across the pond. The Doctor Who franchise is over 50 years old, but every time the Doctor regenerates (a clever in-story mechanism for recasting the actor), he just turns into another White dude. That’s pretty much been the unending pattern since 1966, when the first regeneration occurred. Folks have been saying it’s time for a change, and they were hoping we’d either end up with a Doctor of color (with The IT Crowd‘s Richard Ayoade coming up in a lot of the discussions) or a woman Doctor. Well, half of them got their wish, as Attack the Block‘s Jodie Whittaker was announced as the 13th Doctor. And, as you’re probably not surprised, folks lost their shit.

We’re always taught the the Brits are so proper and upstanding, but the comments sections of several sites proved that they can troll with the best of them. At the end of the day, it’s a bunch of folks who are afraid of change. A friend of mine, however, did point out that the victors in these circumstances also tend to trigger the backlash against themselves. For example, it would be one thing if this was seen as a bold move forward for a progressive franchise. The problem, however, is that some people take it too far, and get on the “I’m savoring these fanboy tears” soapbox, making it about something that it really didn’t need to devolve into. Sometimes the winners can suck just as much as the losers in these scenarios. This can be seen as a “win” for some without it being a “loss” for someone else. How about framing it as a win for everyone? Nah, the internet doesn’t really work like that.

I have never gotten into the Doctor Who franchise because it just seems so daunting. Sure, folks claim you really only have to start with the Eccleston season, but when I get into something, I go ALL IN. To me, that’s like telling someone they can start Star Trek with The Next Generation (which I’d probably do, since I hate The Original Series, even though I’d still feel like I was cheating them out of an experience). I feel like I’d have to watch all 54 years of the show, which is impossible because those seasons ain’t streaming anywhere, and a good chunk of them have been lost to time. It’s a franchise that cannot be wholly consumed! I hate mysteries that can’t be solved. Still, I can respect a longstanding institution, and I understand when change is a big deal. It’ll be interesting to see how fans take to the new Doctor, but the one thing to remember is that she’ll probably do it for 2 years, and then regenerate into another old White guy (the Doctor role has the retention rate of a community college). So, everyone gets their wish! I am kinda curious about the next season, though, as rumor has it Kris Marshall (Colin: God of Sex from Love Actually) is going to be the Doctor’s next companion. I loved that dude!

Anyway, I know which side of history I want to be on, and it’ll be interesting to see this all play out. The way the franchise works, we won’t see her until the Christmas special, and then won’t see her again until late 2018 at the earliest. So, folks have got some time to get used to the idea. Still, I think it goes without saying that Jodie Whittaker had the West Week Ever.

#Christmas #DC #Marvel #Movies #Music #Politics #Power Rangers #Race #Religion #Social Media #Star Trek #Syndication #Television #Video Games #West Week Ever

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wigwurq · 8 years ago

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WIG REVIEW: TWIN PEAKS - THE RETURN

The awful wigs you like are going to come back in style this summer! Twin Peaks, land of mighty good coffee and awful awful wigs are back, and with them some new bad wigs that we waited 25 years for!

As there are 18 episodes, I will be updating this post as new episodes air (and adjusting if the show’s wigs wurq as a whole or not). Now let’s journey back to the Black Lodge and discuss:

EPISODE 1

Good Dale is still stuck in the Black Lodge, while Bad Dale is driving a fancy car, hanging with teenage randos, and having a party in the front (and back!) with the worst male wig this side of John Travolta’s everyday life.

This wig is the kind of thing you’d pick up at Ricky’s to be a shaggy vampire for Halloween. OOF. The only thing more disturbing than the wig, is of course Special Agent Dale Cooper’s crispy tan which is the second most disturbing tan by an evil dude on tv (Trump's still #1).

However, Bad Dale’s new life did lead us to the clear star of the show: BEULLA! Glamour, fashion, and beauty wrapped into one.

Elsewhere in non-wig storylines, some random teenager in NYC is getting it on with Grace from The Nanny and getting mauled to death by glass box ghosts (YOU HAD ONE JOB TO DO, IDIOT!), some nosy neighbor in South Dakota is implicating Matthew Lillard in a librarian murder, Ashley Judd is helping Tony from West Side Story run the Great Northern and Dr. Jacoby is serving double sunglass reveals while getting some sweet new shovels. Obvs? Meanwhile, the Log Lady, now the victim of female hair loss, decides to get on the horn about Dale Cooper. I have to say, this might be the one wig that wurqs in the episode and it’s not technically a wig but a baldcap with some wisps on it. Still, carry on Log Lady - please never change no matter how much hair you lose. Your Sally Jessy Raphael eyewear is still everything.

The recipient of the Log Lady’s call is none other than Hawk, the most credible member of the Twin Peak’s sheriff service. Michael Horse’s glorious locks are obviously not a wig but let us all luxuriate in them regardless. And let us NOT miss Michael Ontkean who showed his homophobic truth by trying to block his gay movie Making Love from being a part of the documentary masterpiece The Celluloid Closet. SASHAY AWAY FOREVER!

EPISODE 2

This episode doesn’t offer us much more in the way of wigs, but we do get far more intimate with Bad Dale’s awful wig.

This look is decidedly tan Glenn Danzig all the way.

The most upsetting reveal about this wig is that it has a half ponytail involved. NO THANK YOU.

Back in the Black Lodge, Good Dale meets up with old friends Leland, Mike, and Laura Palmer herself - none of which are wearing wigs and none of which seem to have aged at all (though Laura is moonlighting as a lamp so maybe that’s why). Good Dale also meets up with a wise Tim Burton tree who explains that Bad Dale has to come back to the Black Lodge in order for Good Dale to leave. Seems legit, but unfortunately Bad Dale is busy murdering his girlfriend.

Sorry, gurl.

We end the episode at the roadhouse where an ubercool indie band is playing for some reason. The lead singer has a pretty wiggy look but all signs point to a dye job.

We also see the triumphant return of Sherry, whose (wigless) salty mom posse involves none other than Gia Carides, aka LIZ EFFING HOLT FROM STRICTLY BALLROOM! YAYS! CAN I DRINK WITH YOU GUYS?

EPISODE 3

We begin with Good Dale shape shifting through space, meeting a nice lady with no eyes who falls into the void and another lady who points us in the direction of a steampunk electrical plug to the outside world. But do we want to go out there?

We soon discover that the “real world” involves another Cooper doppelganger - Nevada’s own Dougie - who wears a mustard-colored blazer, knows a nice prostitute, vomits creamed corn, and has a terrible wig.

Seriously, I don’t know if the wig budget on this show was given to eye-covering prosthetics or what but clearly they skimped on the wigs. Just seriously depressing stuff - I’ve seen more believably realistic wigs in haunted houses. Speaking of haunted houses, Dougie gets whisked into the Black Lodge and implodes into a sea of black smoke (I finally understand Lost?) Regardless, bye bye, terrible wig!

Elsewhere, Bad Dale and his bad wig are trying not to barf their way back to the Black Lodge while living through the worst Lincoln commercial ever. It’s unclear where Bad Dale ended up, but Good Dale shapeshifts his way back into Dougie’s life - for better or worse?

Finally, Hawk gives us the best “do not disturb” sign ever (donut disturb 4evr) while he and his luscious locks try to run the Twin Peaks sheriff’s department basically with absolutely no help from anyone else. Ok maybe the donuts helped.

EPISODE 4

Good Dale Cooper is living his life as Dougie Jones, whose son is future/current(?) cult leader, Sonny Jim Jones. Cooper is learning to do everything again, from dressing himself to drinking coffee while assisted by frazzled wife, Naomi Watts. Meanwhile, Bad Dale Cooper has been discovered covered in creamed corn in South Dakota and his old boss, Gordon Cole (as played by David Lynch) has to look into the matter, but not without an assist from everyone’s favorite trans FBI agent, Denise Bryson.

Denise, like a fine wine, has aged well. As strong and confident as ever, and looking damn fierce.

Compared to the wig David Duchovny wore in the original series, this wig is a serious upgrade. Defrizzed and oh so quaffed, it’s a dignified thing of beauty.

We do get into a grey area here, wig-wise, however. It has been my intent on this blog to never review wigs that we know as an audience to be wigs (thus why I sadly never review RuPaul’s Drag Race). Denise’s wig in the original series was definitely a wig within the narrative of the show, since Denise (nee Dennis) had only recently come to the conclusion that he was trans and started donning a wig and dressing as a woman.

25 years later, who is to say if Denise is wearing a wig or if we are to believe that this is supposed to be her own hair? Far be it for us to tell Denise what to do with her coiffure so it becomes difficult to judge this as a wig or not. If we are supposed to believe it is a wig, then yes - it’s a good wig within the narrative! If we are supposed to believe it is hair...well it’s not perfect. It certainly looks like a wig, albeit a good wig. As I’ve said time and time again, only if a wig looks like real hair does it truly wurq.

Still, as a character, Denise WURQS so amen to her regardless.

And can I get an amen for Wally Brando? Wigless though he may be, he is a the only possible child of Andy and Lucy. May your shadow always be with us.

EPISODE 5

We begin this episode as Good Dale Cooper tries to navigate the world in the body of Dougie Jones. For some reason, no one is bothered by the fact that Dougie is basically a walking zombie, from his frazzled wife to all of his coworkers.

Just a guy super stoked for coffee with little ability to function in society - nothing to see here!

Back in Twin Peaks, a wigless Shelly and Norma are looking FINE AS HELL and seem to not have aged a day.

Also Shelly’s daughter (perfectly cast as Amanda Seyfried) has an asshole boyfriend (as played by the asshole brother from Get Out, who is really making a name for himself in the world of asshole characters).

Oh and obviously, Dr. Jacoby runs an extreme lefty webseries out of his cabin, and whose #1 fan is obviously Nadine:

Who is still lookin’ like the spectacular nutbar we all love.

The only wig of the week is the nightmare on top of Bad Dale’s head. Even behind bars, this wig is wreaking havoc much in the way Bad Dale is hisself! Nope.

EPISODE 6

Most of this episode concerns itself with the increasingly poor decisions of Dougie Jones and with every misadventure, I just long for Good Dale Cooper to wake the hell up! We are also introduced to a slew of new characters. Twin Peaks is truly beginning to get as sweaty with characters as Game of Thrones and winter is friggin’ coming.

We meet Bathazar Getty, whose early career was spent being an off-brand Liev Schreiber and who has somehow morphed into an off-brand Henry Rollins. He played some coin magic on off-brand young Nicolas Cage (who is in a dead heat for worst Twin Peaks character with Deputy Chad).

We also revisit our favorite trailer park manager, Harry Dean Stanton, who is an ageless angel.

The only wig this week comes in the form of a lounge lizard played by none other than Laura Dern.

We are only given one scene with this wig so I don’t have the information necessary to review it properly. In other words - if this wig is supposed to be real hair, it is obviously terrible. But if it is supposed to be a wig as I suspect since David Lynch lounge lizards are usually wig-wearers (see: Isabella Rossellini in Blue Velvet), then whatever - you do you, Laura Dern!

(And you always do.)

EPISODE 7

Ugh, wake up Good Dale Cooper! The boring misadventures of Dougie Jones continue in this episode, though he does disarm a little person assassin “like a cobra” so I guess this is progress.

Meanwhile, Gordon Cole visits Diane and we don’t get much more information about her or her wig. Though Diane in general is a mystery. Throughout the original series, she was a faceless secretary that Dale sent daily messages to. Now, whether or not she is trying to pass this platinum wig off as real hair remains the #1 mystery of Twin Peaks. But I’m guessing it’s a wig (within the narrative of Twin Peaks) so whatever. It’s a bad wig allowed to be bad.

Though now that we have seen her retro cool apartment, I think I know Diane’s backstory:

She’s obviously a latter-day Iona (from Pretty in Pink) who, rather than dating a yuppie (yuck!) decides to take a secretarial job for the FBI while the record store industry dwindled in the early 90s, stopped hanging out exclusively with teenagers, and started calling herself Diane. MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

Both chicks have an affinity for platinum wigs, apartments with Atomic/kitschy details, and DRAMA. Well that’s one mystery solved! You’re welcome, internet. #prettyinpeaks

Anyhoo, Diane (nee Iona) visits Bad Dale in the clink and it was a regular wigout party of nonsense.

I feel like when two bad wigs meet like this, something meaningful should happen, like the Black Lodge imploding or getting to spend more than 5 minutes with any of the original characters.

Instead, we are gifted like 20 minutes of Ashley Judd (bless her, but STILL) following a mysterious sound around the Great Northern. And seeing the roadhouse being swept for what must have been 3 hours.

We end with Bad Dale getting sprung from the clink by uttering the magic word: STRAWBERRY! Not to be confused with Carol Channing’s magic word, RASPBERRY. Watch out, world: Bad Dale and his bad wig are on the loose!

EPISODE 8

We have so many questions going into this episode, but before any of them can be answered, we have to hear from THE Nine in Nails! The dream of the nineties is alive in Twin Peaks, and this part was a damn nightmare. NEXT!

Bad Dale Cooper, fresh from being sprung from jail, gets shot down by his partner in crime. Is this the last we will FINALLY see of him and his horrendous wig? Probably not, because some ash covered garbage people come over and seem to revive them. Who are these ashy garbage dudes? For answers, we (OBVIOUSLY) travel to B&W New Mexico in 1945.

There, an atomic bomb gives life to these soot monsters, a bug/frog combo, and, of course, BOB!

Meanwhile, in what might (?) be the same steampunk universe where that eyeless lady that Good Cooper encountered that eyeless chick back in Episode 3, our favorite friendly giant and some chick with some serious costume jewelry and eyebrow tweezers watch these ashy garbage dudes and then are gifted a golden blob with the face of Laura Palmer on it.

IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! J/k j/k I have no idea what is happening. On the wig front, I will say that costume jewelry eyebrow tweezer lady has a pretty sweet finger curl wig.

Fast forwarding to New Mexico in 1956, we meet a young couple who deliver some incredibly stilted dialogue at one another. Their costumes also suggest a high school play that is set in the 1950s but they only go shopping for costumes at the GAP. We’ve all been there. Doesn’t wurq. Also, I’m not sure what pincurl nonsense is happening on this chick’s head but it is neither historically accurate or attractive. NOPE.

Anyway, ash zombie #1 decides to go on a quest for a cigarette light, which obviously turns into a bloodbath.

I will say this much: this terrible 50s wig deserved to GO. All hail ash zombies!

EPISODE 9

Bad Dale Cooper lives! All hail ash zombies?? I don’t know if it’s the zombie makeover or what but this is the BEST this wig has every looked.

Sadly, this is short-lived as Bad Dale Cooper meets up with his accomplices/Academy Award Nominated Actors Tim Roth and Jennifer Jason Leigh and this terrible wig gets cleaned up and its half pony tale back and it looks awful again. UGH. Side note: Tim Roth’s denim jacket with the cut off arms IS THE LEWK.

Back in Twin Peaks, Lucy and Andy are chair shopping (#TeamBeigeChair) and the sheriff A-team (SCREW YOU AND YOUR LUNCH, CHAD!!!) are doing some detecting. They pay Bobby’s mom a visit, where she reveals a super cool chair hiding place (maybe get this chair, Lucy and Andy?) and a secret message from beyond. Dun dun dun!

And as always, Diane and her Pretty in Pink Iona wig are KILLING IT as always in fashion and correct opinions. It still remains a supreme mystery as to if Diane is trying to pass this off as real hair, but regardless: let the lady smoke. She’s been through enough! It IS a f*cking morgue!

In the end, we meet some teenage heroin addicts/vampires(?) with awful hair which is likely just awful hair and not wigs. They also have serious skin ailments that I never want to see again. Let’s just maybe never see them again. Please?

EPISODE 10

We are officially more than halfway through this series and no closer to getting rid of Dougie Jones in favor of Good Dale Cooper. Wake the hell up, Coop! (Tho dang, you’re looking good - and Janey E agrees!) Otherwise, this episode is pretty much all about domestic abuse and its witnesses. Seen here: a wigless Harry Dean Stanton having some guitar “me” time which was ruined by Shelly’s daughter and her terrible boyfriend...

Can you guys please be quiet so HDS can play his damn guitar in peace?!?! Side note: domestic abuse begets domestic abuse: does this remind anyone of Shelly and Leo?

But the scumbag of the week (and the millennium?) definitely goes to Richard Horne. Not to be outdone by hit-and-run child murder, this week he gave us trailer park murder and familial abuse/robbery all while the Teddy Ruxpin of nightmares above must bear (get it?) witness. Oh and yes - we see what you did there with that glowing orb head, David Lynch.

Of course, scumbags love company and OF COURSE Richard Horne is in cahooks with Deputy Scumbag, Chad, who he asks to intercept his trailer park murder victim’s blackmail letter. WE HATE YOU CHAD. Luckily, Lucy is totally on to Chad. #TeamBeigeChair4Ever

Back in Vegas (UGH), Tom Sizemore is setting Dougie up with the help of these wigless, flaky cocktail waitresses. The fact that these three didn’t somehow break into song sorta surprised me.

The mazel of the week def goes to Nadine, who finally has her silent drape empire in the form of her storefront, RUN SILENT RUN DRAPES. Way to make your lifegoals a reality, gurlfriend! She’s also obsessed with Dr. Jacoby’s vid-blog, but obvs.

We also get some more news from the Log Lady - Laura Palmer is the ONE! Whatever that means? It has been brought to my attention that my previous assessment of this being a good wig may be false - the actress who portrayed her, Catharine E. Coulson, died of cancer shortly after reprising this role. So this is likely her actual hair. I stand corrected! Just goes to show you that just when you think you’ve found a good Twin Peaks wig - it turns out to be real hair. Nothing is as it seems in Twin Peaks but we can always count on the continuity of bad wigs? With this new information - this episode is entirely wigless! Why am I even writing this?!?!

Maybe just to rejoice in the epic performance of Rebekah del Rio (no relation to Bianca, sadly) who we all know and love from Mullholland Drive. Bitch is in straight up Black Lodge cosplay and it WURQS.

EPISODE 11

The more we watch this show, the fewer and fewer wigs we seem to get. And the more we realize we are just stuck with Dougie Jones. Wake up, Good Coops!

Anyway, this week the domestic violence from last week’s episode got particularly EXTRA when Amanda Seyfried decided to amp her Lifetime Movie life up to 11 and get a gun, demand her mom come over with her car, take the car, almost run her mom over, and go shoot at her two-timing, d-bag of a husband. I seriously think I saw this movie starring Tori Spelling a few different times on Lifetime but David Lynch makes it SO MUCH MORE ARTY.

Great hiding place, you guys! Also, why yes that IS GERSTEN HAYWARD, aka Lara Flynn Boyle’s lil sis who is great at piano!

This did lead to a pretty sweet family reunion at the RR though seriously, Bobby, just arrest your daughter’s husband already.

This reunion was briefly interrupted by coin enthusiast/fake Henry Rollins, Balthazar Getty who OF COURSE is going out with Shelly. You make bad dude choices, Shelly! Why am I suddenly rooting for Bobby?!?!

Oh and also there was a sudden diner shootout followed by passenger seat exorcism, because: Twin Peaks.

The only wig of the week was brought to us by pillar of effervescence, Diane. The jury is still out (and will forever be out?!) on if she is trying to pass this wig off as real hair, but I give up: you just do you, Diane.

And also please continue to sit on stools while the rest of the world sits on chairs. Is that thing from Blaine? Anyway, you’ll always be on a pedestal to us.

After an some map detective work from Hawk and another call from the Log Lady, an otherworldly vortex sighting, and an unfortunate Matthew Lillard cranial injury, we end the episode in the weirdest Se7en parody ever but hey: there’s always room for cherry pie?

Oh, and god bless you and your fabulous makeover, random casino garbagelady! You look so sparkly!

EPISODE 12

Why am I still updating this blog post? Why am I still watching this show? Why is it taking everyone five extra minutes to say what they need to say and why am I falling asleep? These are all questions I had during this episode. Not much happens - and slowly. We did get to see some old, familiar faces, though. Our favorite alcoholic, Sarah Palmer, had a grocery store meltdown about turkey jerky (AS ONE DOES) and we finally got a visit from Audrey Horne!

Sadly, it appears that Audrey did NOT marry eyebrow plucking enthusiast Billy Zane in favor of a really grumpy little person named Charlie. Audrey HATES Charlie and all his goddamned paperwork, especially when she needs him to get up and go to the roadhouse with her to find her missing lover, NO MATTER HOW TIRED HE IS.

UGH, Charlie. As with all scenes in this episode, this scene is about 10 minutes too long, and at no point was there any mention of how Audrey’s son killed a kid and tried to kill a lady (CHARLIE IS GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH PAPERWORK TO DO OVER THAT). However, I would have gladly watched Audrey Horne dance to a jukebox for 10 minutes.

Speaking of scenes that go on too long - THIS BITCH. Seriously, how long does it take you to GET THE EFF OUT of a room when Miguel Ferrer has some important business with David Lynch?!

The only wig in the episode remains to be the enigma that is Diane’s wig. I have previously stated that we may never get the information we need to judge this wig and if it is trying to be real hair or not so again: I give up. You just keep doing you, Diane. LET’S ROCK!

EPISODE 13

EPISODE 13 YOU GUYS. I have been updating this long-ass blog post FOREVER and we’re no closer to getting rid of Dougie Jones!! He is even now gifting his family with nice cars and gym sets so it feels like he’s not going anywhere. WHY WHY WHY. Wake the HELL UP, DALE COOPER!!!!

Meanwhile, Bad Dale Cooper is looking rougher and rougher ever since his Woodsman reincarnation - he is now truly a garbage person. And his wig is still absolute trash.

This week did test our loyalties in that we found ourselves in an arm wrestling match of the damned and were sorta rooting for Bad Coop against some other garbage people. Coop was victorious (sorry about your face, bro), but with that wig, we are all still losers.

In other bizarre hair news, what the hell is up with Ed’s hair?! This is NOT a wig but I really want to know who was driving the train with this hair “style” if you can even call it that. Looks like some pretty good soup, though.

Oh, and apparently James can sing in falsetto? Wonders never cease. Still no sign of Lara Flynn Boyle who may be our only salvation at this point. We are all Sarah Palmer watching the same boxing match over and over again hoping for salvation. Maybe next week?

EPISODE 14

We are on the last lap of this show, and things are (sorta, kinda) coming together. Thanks (of course?) in part to the oldest Bond girl, Monica Bellucci, and the prophetic dream Gordon Cole had about her. The puzzle pieces seem to be fitting now. Thanks, Monica! Oh but wait - WHO IS THE DREAMER?! With every answered question comes a new question.

Luckily, Diane is on the case and ready to drop some KNOWLEDGE AND GLAMOUR on everyone. Like her wig, Diane is an enigma. Unlike her wig (which is still not identified as a wig or not within the narrative - SIGH), Diane is full of super useful information. Dougie and Janey E you say? Oh she just so happens to be Diane’s estranged half-sister! OBVS! Not since Game of Thrones have we had such a convenient familial lineage. Just don’t eff it up, Las Vegas FBI!

In other law abiding news, Lucy and her gravity defying hair are still the best and she and Andy once took a trip to Bora Bora! UGH seriously guys - bring back Wally Brando. Oh, and the worst sheriff (and second worst character), CHAD, was finally read for filth and locked up for being the worst - just in time for the good sheriffs to take a ROAD TRIP!

Like most hikes in Twin Peaks, this one involved beautiful scenics, paternal nostalgia, putting dirt in your pockets (OR ELSE), discovering a naked woman with no eyes, and teleporting via creepy vortex into a B&W steampunk nightmarescape and hanging with a giant. I can’t wait for the TripAdvisor review!

Andy was the lucky recipient of the teleport trip and seriously: can this dude PLEASE STAR IN A BIOPIC OF STAN LAUREL? Just saying. Anyway, he met up with our favorite jolly (non-green) giant who sadly didn’t start singing the most appropriate Dolly Parton song for the moment: “Me and Little Andy” but instead revealed his name is not ??? but really THE FIREMAN. Seems legit. Andy also got some cool recaps of past episodes via a steampunk skylight and returned back to earth to keep that eyeless lady safe.

Speaking of Dolly Parton songs, why was “I Will Always Love You” not playing during this scene??

Lots of missed opportunities, song-wise, but luckily Lucy had some PJs on hand for the eyeless lady from that time the dog got loose. Seriously, I would love to see an entire TV series about Lucy and Andy’s throwaway lines. Showtime: make this happen.

Despite Lucy’s PJ makeover, eyeless lady still has to be locked up with Chad (UGH) and some drunken guy bleeding from his mouth who may or may not be that dude Billy who Sherilynn Fenn and every rando at the roadhouse is always talking about.

Speaking of random characters, David Lynch decided that he still needs to be introducing new ones so meet British Jimmy, who has a magical glove not unlike basically all Marvel superheroes, a destiny only met in Twin Peaks, and a penchant for revealing his entire backstory when it’s his coworker’s birthday. Welcome to Twin Peaks, rando!

We end with our favorite alcoholic, Sarah Palmer, who just wants to have a goddamned Bloody Mary in peace (DON’T WE ALL) without being verbally assaulted by the new worst character in Twin Peaks: a-hole in the TRUCK YOU shirt. Well truck YOU, bro: Sarah Palmer has a soot monster vortex inside her and will quite literally pull your throat off. Sayonara! This is why it’s safer to drink at home watching violent TV. Lesson learned.

EPISODE 15

Hello from officially the longest blog post on this blog (and maybe in the history of the internet?) Are you guys still there? Are we all still watching? We are officially in the final stretch and things continue to come together....sort of. We begin with Nadine, gold shovel in hand, as she finally digs herself out of her marriage which apparently was still intact after all these years! She finally lets Big Ed go.

Which means Ed and Norma are finally getting hitched! Halleluj! You totally cried about this, admit it. (Sure we cried about Ed’s haircut too but no matter).

Meanwhile, Bad Dale Cooper and his evil, horrible wig are still up to no good. Also his leathery skin is getting worse and worse by the episode. He rolls up to the gas station of ghostmares and tries to get a meet and greet with Phillip Jeffries (aka David Bowie - RIP!)

The gatekeeper is this broad who is definitely giving Beulla (see: Episode 1) a run for her money in the category of AGELESS GLAMOUR.

BD Cooper also runs into our least favorite Twin Peaks resident/his possible son, Richard Horne and tells him to get in the car: road trip! Oh and speaking of residents of Twin Peaks we don’t like, Becky’s husband probably killed hisself?

Speaking of death, Dougie maybe just killed hisself? I mean, it’s a modern miracle that he hasn’t already but seriously: get out the way, bitch! Bring back Good Dale Cooper! If he didn’t kill hisself, I guess we all need to prepare for Dougie’s sequel: Electric Dougieloo

Finally, one of our very FAVORITE Twin Peaks residents, Margaret, aka The Log Lady, bid us adieu (as did Catherine Coulson, the woman who played her.) SOB!

We feel ya, Lucy. (Insert sobbing emojis)

EPISODE 16

We’ve come to the last 3 episodes and everything is coming together. The father-son road trip of the century comes to the only possible ending: with Richard Horne being sent up to a rock to be electrocuted. Sayonara, you terrible person! Oh, and yes: Bad Coop was your dad. See ya!

Bad Coop alerts Diane and her still mysterious wig, and suddenly Diane has an acid flashback to all the bad bad stuff that Bad Coop did to her. She recounts the upsetting tale to Gordon and Co and also reveals one more thing: BITCH IS A TULPA!

And with a bullet to the head, she returns to the Black Lodge to bring it some extra retro fabulousness. Byeeeeeee!

Meanwhile, Dougie Jones (UGH) is in a coma after electrocuting himself. And then, just like that....FINALLY AGENT COOPER WAKES HISSELF UP!

SERIOUSLY.

Also, thanks for the finger sandwiches, Mitchum Bros! Oh and sayonara to Oscar nominees Tim Roth and Jennifer Jason Leigh (and her excellent collection of mini Cheetos bags) during the neighborhood watch shootout of the millennium.

Coop tells the Mitchum Bros to fire up the private jet (seriously thank goodness for these dudes)...he’s headed back to Twin Peaks! Yayys! He also says byeeeee to Janey E and our favorite mini cult leader, Sonny Jim Jones.

Back in Twin Peaks, Audrey and her terrible husband FINALLY made it to the roadhouse where they promptly order martinis (not what I’d order at a roadhouse, but you do you, you fabulous weirdos). The crowd at the roadhouse soon realizes that they are in the presence of dance royalty and promptly and correctly clear the dancefloor so Ms. Horne can DO HER THANG. She does and it’s as dreamy as we remembered it...

Until that dream turns into a DAMN NIGHTMARE and Audrey wakes up in....a mental hospital? An alternate dimension? A remake of The Valley of the Dolls in which she plays Neely O’Hara in rehab (omg someone please make this happen)?! WHO KNOWS?!?!?! WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAAAAAT.

EPISODE 17

It’s come to this: Bad Cooper has made his way to Twin Peaks and Andy is SUPER EXCITED to see him but everyone else has their doubts, especially when the real Coop gives a call from the road.

Meanwhile, terrible terrible Chad somehow manages to escape and tries to shoot Andy, but not if British Jimmy has anything to do with it! He punches through his cell and right into Chad’s face. Side note: why didn’t he just punch through his cell to get out in the first place? Oh well.

Upstairs, Bad Coop tries to shoot Sheriff Truman but not if Lucy has anything to do with it, and gurlfriend shoots him and saves the day (#TeamBeigeChair4Ever). Then Coop and Gordon and Co both have perfectly timed entrances just as Bob the Blob emerges from Bad Coop. The rest of the scene has Coop’s superimposed face on it (sure?) as British Jimmy fulfills his destiny of punching Bob out of existence. Also: British Jimmy is totally gonna have his own Netflix Marvel spin-off show, right? Also Jim Belushi is all of us during this scene.

And Andy brings the eyeless lady to Coop in time for her to morph into...

DIANE IN A RED WIG! Sure, why not, right? I guess we know she is the real Diane because of her wig makeover?? Or the fact that she immediately makes out with Coop? WHO KNOWS?! I’m not even sure if we are supposed to believe that this terrible wig is real hair so why am I even typing this?! WHATEVER WE’VE MADE IT THIS FAR LET’S JUST KEEP GOING.

Anyway, Coop, Diane and Gordon go to visit David Bowie in teapot form (yes I just that sentence) and Coop is teleported back to 1989 where we get some sweet B&W flashbacks of Fire Walk With Me scenes showing Laura Palmer about to get herself murdered. But this time, Coop is there to save her! What what what?! Yes, this show is maybe about to rewrite history? Oh no nevermind - Laura was totally kidnapped away by...the forest? Seems legit.

EPISODE 18

YOU GUYS WE MADE IT TO THE FINAL EPISODE! I still have no idea what the hell is going on with the wigs or otherwise but whatever. We get some more flashbacks to the original series, except no one finds Laura’s body. Curious. Then we see Bad Coop in the Black Lodge turning into a golden nugget (SASHAY AWAY TERRIBLE TERRIBLE WIG) and then morphing into a Dougie tulpa - congrats Janey E and Sonny Jim Jones?

Back in the forest, Coop still can’t find Laura but he does find Diane and her terrible red wig. Close enough? Anyway, they take a roadtrip to some random electrical wires where they shapeshift into a different dimension where they go to a hotel and have the most uncomfortable consensual/not consensual sex scene this side of Straw Dogs.

In the morning, Diane is gone and Coop and the hotel seem different. Coop must go out in search of some coffee at the local diner, where he also has to beat up some cowboy scum because sure - we have time for that.

Anyway, he finally finds what he’s been looking for: LAURA PALMER! Oh except she isn’t Laura Palmer; her name is Carrie Page and she’s never heard of Laura Palmer but she DID just murder some dude so sure: road trip!

They make it back to Twin Peaks in near utter silence (nope, nothing to talk about...) and Coop gets Carrie/Laura back to her mom’s house!

Everything seems to be going great until they knock on the door...

And this beautiful goddess in thirsty thirsty blowdryed locks answers the door. No, she’s not Sarah Palmer - she’s some bitch named Alice Tremont who doesn’t understand anything Coop is saying (you and me both!) WHAT?!

This is the right house, right? Oh wait - what year is it?

WHO KNOWS?! But Laura/Carrie have a good primal scream about it and: that’s it! Seriously, the whole show is over, leaving us with about as satisfying an ending as The Sopranos or the Gilmore Girls revival.

In the end, we have no clue what happened but all that matters is: the (few) wigs involved were terrible so let’s all just primal scream about it. And if you are still reading this, kudos to you for reading the longest blog post about wigs probably EVER!

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

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rob-blog1234 · 8 years ago

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WEEKEND TV HOT FILM PICKS!

Check out my guide to the top films on TV this weekend, the best of the rest and what to avoid at all costs! Enjoy!

LATE FRIDAY 17th MARCH

HOT PICKS!

C4 @ 0045 30 Days of Night (2007) *****

This is one of my most watched Vampire films. David Slade’s 30 Days of Night is a fantastic comic book adaption. It’s a rewarding little vampire shocker set in some great locations with an effective use of colour and sound that sets a real creepy tone. It’s set in Barrow Alaska, the northernmost town in the United States. It’s the beginning of 30 days without sunlight and the towns remaining residents are about to be hunted down by a group of rather nasty vampires. The savage, brutal and ultra-violent gore in a few scenes really looks extra special against the eerie white snowy backdrop of Barrow. Look out for my favourite scene - the superb aerial flyby of the main street in the town where numerous vampires are causing carnage as blood sprays over the snow below in a variety of wicked and wonderful ways. This is a very worthy Vampire film with some of the quickest and most dangerous depictions of vampires you will ever see. There is certainly no sparkling here.

Film4 @ 0045 The Bay (2012) ****

A great example of found footage done right. A good mix of style with a documentary feel that did increase its credibility although the same time it did reduce the scares. A small seaside town is plagued by a mysterious event that started with dead fish washing up on shore, which then escalated to a far more serious course of events. The authorities had covered up the events that unfolded on that fateful day, however this footage reveals the true story. A worthy addition to the Found Footage Horror genre.

Best of the rest:

Film4 @ 1920 Chronicle (2012) ***

Comedy @ 2300 Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) ***

E4 @ 2315 Sleepy Hollow (1999) ****

W @ 2320 The 6th Day (2000) ***

BBC2 @ 0105 A Simple Plan (1998) ****

SATURDAY 18th MARCH

HOT PICKS!

Sky1 @ 2030 Star Wars: A New Hope (1977) *****

A truly awesome space romp. I have grown up with it and my appreciation of Star Wars just gets bigger and bigger. Unfortunately I have also had to grow up with all the awful tweaks and changes & different released versions. Now with the Complete Saga Blu ray set, my only gripe is having to put up with all the rather unnecessary CGI added extras that look misplaced and aren’t even that good! Even though they are there, they still cannot ruin my appreciation of one of my favourite and most watched films.

Film4 @ 1910 Paddington (2014) ****

Who would have expected a live action / CGI cross over of the much loved story of Paddington would work - but it absolutely does. It’s charming, heart-warming and walks the line of sentimentality that never goes too far, it honours the original material and brings an altogether joyful experience to all that watch it. A sure hit with children and adults alike, with enough sequences of absurd action and moments of effective comedy that keep the flow continuously. A truly lovely film. Don’t miss it.

5* @ 2200 Django Unchained (2012) *****

Got 2.5 hours to spare? No better way to spend it than with Tarantino’s Western success, Django Unchained. I can’t believe I had put off a re-watch for so long mainly down to its lengthy run time bit once again it impressed and actually sped by. With each minute that ticked by after the credits rolled I still could not find any reason why not to award this film 5 stars. In fact my appreciation simply grew and grew.

I do like a good western but there has been little of note in the genre for some time, The Proposition, Rango and the remake of True Grit are the only ones I can think of that I really rated in recent years. Now that has all changed.

Django Unchained is bursting with impressive action, gory gun fights, classic Tarantino dialogue, hilarious comedic moments all wrapped up in a gorgeously rich story of revenge. You can’t ask for more!

Jamie Foxx is quiet yet dangerous and does a fabulous job as the lead, but the stars of the show are the jaw dropping Christoph Waltz and an impressive turn from Leonardo DiCaprio. They both cannot be faulted… And we definitely can’t forget Samuel L. Jackson. This film is layered with brilliance. Definitely up there as one of the best films of 2012. I can’t wait to watch it again.

Best of the rest:

ITV4 @ 2100 Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991) *****

BBC2 @ 2245 True Grit (2010) ****

Film4 @ 0040 In Fear (2013) ****

!!!! AVOID AT ALL COSTS !!!!

Horror @ 2255 Texas Chainsaw (2013) * AVOID AT ALL COSTS!

This film takes the memory of the fantastic original, severs its head and curls off a turd into the decapitated stump. I thought no horror could be worse than Rites of Spring but I was wrong. I'm literally at a loss as to how this is even a thing.

C4 @ 2100 Lucy (2014) * AVOID AT ALL COSTS!

A good car chase bookended by a load of overly narrated, poorly scripted pseudo-science nonsense... and when she turns into some black spindly gooey weirdness I was left mouth open & head shaking. Inner self: But Scarlett - you love her - she's so pretty. Actual Self: No amount of pretty can negate this shitty. Miss this.

5* @ 0115 Need for Speed (2014) * AVOID AT ALL COSTS!

Officially my 94th favourite film released in 2014.

NOTE: I have seen 94 films released in 2014.

SUNDAY 19th MARCH

HOT PICK!

ITV3 @ 2305 Good Will Hunting (1997) ****

Matt Damon is Will Hunting, a Janitor at MIT with a hidden affinity for numeracy and mathematics. He has a troubled life and has never allowed himself to live up to his abilities. Will gets into a fight and he has to choose between a prison stretch or attending psychiatric therapy sessions. Pushed into a corner he opts for the sessions and meets Robin Williams’ Sean Maguire. The film is an amazing look into the ever changing relationships Will has and with the new people he meets; his friends, psychiatrist and love interest played brilliantly by Minnie Driver are all put to the test as Will struggles with intimacy and relationships. The characters and dialogue are both rich and the film is simply a delight to watch. Kudos to Matt Damon and Ben Affleck who proved their credentials by writing the script. It’s a wonderful, touching film full of talent and is surprisingly uplifting.

Best of the rest:

C5 @ 1305 *batteries not included (1987) ****

ITV2 @ 1555 Despicable Me (2010) ***

C5 @ 1700 Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2 (2009) ***

Spike @ 1850 Jason and the Argonauts (1963) ****

E4 @ 2200 Die Hard 2 (1990) ****

Syfy @ 2300 Paranormal Activity (2007) ***

Horror @ 0240 Amer (2009) ***

!!!! AVOID AT ALL COSTS !!!!

Film4 @ 2100 Legion (2010) * AVOID AT ALL COSTS!

No it's not the awesome TV show on FOX - This is the abomination of a film that soiled our screens in 2010. Paul Bettany is Archangel Michael that comes down to earth from heaven, cuts off his wings, holes up in a diner in the middle of nowhere to save a pregnant waitresses unborn baby. Yeah… ridiculous and rubbish in equal measure. Cue a massive shoot out and some ropey CGI. Oh …and Dennis Quaid is in it, that’s pretty much enough to ruin any film these days. Avoid!

C5 @ 2310 Dark Skies (2013) * AVOID AT ALL COSTS!

This film should have been called “Lazy, formulaic Alien Encounter Ass Water” or something similarly abusive but extremely apt. Some typical American family have some weird stuff happen in their home that is drip fed and drawn out excruciatingly slowly - punctuated with some cheap scares that sole reason for being scary is the huge noise that wakes you up from the otherwise coma-esque state the rest of the film has put you in. Miss this.

ITV4 @ 2105 Robocop 3 (1993) * AVOID AT ALL COSTS!

Who the hell did they get for the voice of my favourite cop of all time (yes - even more favourite than John McClane) someone completely different to Peter Weller that’s who… Thanks God Weller walked away as I can now successfully separate this into another pile. A pile of poop. What a travesty this film is. I always unsuccessfully get through this film after Lewis dead pans “Thanks for dropping by Murphy” after he launches his car into the street off the top of a car park. Don’t get excited about action - that’s pretty much it. They attempted to inject some additional traits like a strap on Machine gun - oh - and he flies…. That’s it. That’s the last straw. No.

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