#this idea came to me at 2 AM last wednesday and i knew i had to do it

[orcelito]

genuinely tho me jumping right into reading volume 9 of trimax and then volume 10 (and then most of the rest of the manga) on the night before i had a presentation at 9:30 am (that was entirely not prepared) was literally one of the most unhinged decisions ive ever made

this is what a hyperfixation does to a person

[party-lemon]

i did the thing

[uniquesoulwinner]

My Queen

Leah Williamson x reader 

Idea that came to me after seeing Leah get her OBE today of a little surprise celebration with her girl who she didn’t think was even in the country! 

Hope you enjoy its not very good and the format isn’t working right so it might read funny but well it’s something 

Let me know what you think 

***********************

Y/n pov

Getting off the plane in London brings nothing but butterflies to your stomach at the thought of the day ahead. You see given that I’ve been in New York for work for the past 9 long weeks I was not meant to be here today well at least that’s what Leah thinks, I however always knew I would be here! 

As soon as we got the date for Leah to get her long awaited OBE medal I was on the phone to Amanda to plan exactly what was going to happen today, this has lead to a lot of sneaky phone calls between me and my girlfriends mother, who I’m nearly sure is more excited about me being there to surprise Leah than I am.

Finding out that I was going to have to be in New York for 16 weeks for work was never part of the plan, being away from Leah for that long was a thought that made my whole body hurt before I even went, which is why I I have worked my ass off over the last 9 weeks so complete everything I needed to do to get home to my girlfriend of 4 years early which brings me back to walking though Heathrow Airport at 7:45am on a Wednesday morning counting down the minutes until I have her in my arms again. 

Just as I was getting into the taxi to take me to the hotel I had booked for myself and Leah for that night my phone rang and my smile got even bigger seeing it was Amanda!

Y/n: Hey perfect timing I’m just in the taxi

Amanda: ahh perfect I’m so excited, she’s getting ready already! I swear she takes forever.

Y/n: Worth every minute though; you find yourself say thing that out loud without ever realising until you hear Amanda aww on the other end of the phone which made you blush no end! Anyway how are we looking for timeline I’m just heading to the hotel now to get showered and ready! 

Amanda: so we should be wrapped up in Windsor by around 13:30pm at the latest and then she thinks we are just going for dinner and meeting holly and all that couldn’t come to the ceremony there. You can hear the excited little giggle coming from Amanda like she is on a secret spy mission which makes you laugh  

Y/n: ok good and she definitely doesn’t suspect a thing right you ask already knowing that she doesn’t considering you spent 2 hours in the phone to her last night with her upset and missing you as well as telling you how much she wished you where going to be there today which yes broke your heart in two , the only thing that you hoped was seeing her face today would make up for everything!

Amanda: nope not a thing, she is completely oblivious you hear that cheeky giggle again she is going to be so happy y/n, she has missed you so much you you 

Y/n: yeh I know I’ve missed her too more than words but not long now, god I’m nervous you laugh at the Ridiculousness of getting nervous over seeing the woman that has been the centre of your world for 4 years now 

Amanda: oh sweetie you no need to be nervous, the second that girl sees you everything will be worth it, you know … Amanda suddenly stops talking only thing you can hear is some rustling and foot steps which your hoping isn’t Leah catching you both out 

Ok I gotta go she is wandering around now looking for her socks so I better help I’ll see you later ok text me when your there , ok bye bye bye and the phones goes dead leaving you laughing at the thought of your girl running around looking for socks which you know she will be treating like a Military mission in that room ! 

************************

Later on that day after checking in to the hotel and getting yourself ready , wearing a tight green dress that you knew drive Leah crazy with your hair down and curled and black heals, you where standing that the bar of the restaurant that had been booked out for today with holly catching up on every bit of gossip you had missed being away which was lot it seemed! 

Although after the 7th time checking the door you did catch holly giving you a very knowing smirk which made you laugh purely because you didn’t care how obvious you where being, ever since Amanda text to say they where 20 minutes away you could help but look out for them ! You wanted your girl and weren’t even sorry about it ! 

The restaurant was full of Leah’s close family and friends most of which were now laughing at the twitter comments over Leah being the queen of England now ! Lol 

You only snapped out of staring at the door when you heard Jen Leah’s teammate call you 

Jen: y/n how does it feel to have bagged England’s new queen  all you heard was laughter which then turned to cooing and awe’s when you replied saying y/n: she has always been my queen 

And right as you said that you seen her your queen walk past the window towards the door looking out of this world and every bit worthily of the title queen in your opinion but it was to time and time for you to hide in the crowd who had all turned to face the door waiting for her to come in, to which when she did come in she was meant by just noise of chatting and clapping but all you could hear was her laugh that beautiful laugh while she made her way around people still not spotting you ! 

Amanda however snuck around to hug you whispering how she couldn’t wait to see Leah’s face ! 

After around 5 minutes of her still not spotting you , you had enough of waiting so grabbed a glass of champagne and made your way up behind her as she spoke to Alex Scott and Kim little both of who started smiling the second they seen you approach! 

Y/n: would the new queen like a drink you said standing behind her and while you couldn’t see her face you could see her body freeze as she heard your voice which made your heart burst. Y/n you heard her whisper still not turning around which made you giggle given that all you wanted right now was to kiss her still though you stepped forward so you where right behind her meaning you could whisper in her ear hello baby, any chance I could get a hug now?  You didn’t even have a split second to react when her arms where around your neck with such force that if ever the sensible kimmy hadn’t if grabbed the champagne out if your hands it would have been all down the back of Leah’s very expensive looking suit ! 

Suddenly all the people in the room weren’t there anymore the only thing that you noticed was your girl finally in your arms after way to long and while pulling her impossibly closer to you , you just breathed her in every part of you and missed every part of her and now here you could never imagine being away from her again which made what you were about to do even more clear in your head, so while holding her as close as possible with one arm your eyes met Leah’s grandmas giving her a nod and hold out your hand , you watched as the whole room tried to contain themselves as she placed the black velvet box in your hand giving your hand a small squeeze as she did !

Focusing back on Leah who’s head was still buried in your neck, pulling back slightly so you could see her with a massive smile on your face that was thankfully matched by her, finally gave you the chance to look into those eyes that have had you weak for years. It’s only when you see her eyes flick down to your lips that you pull her in making sure she can’t feel the box behind her back, although all sense leaves your body the second her lips meet yours for the first time in over 2 months. Finally it feels like I’m home you think, kissing her is home , she is home and with that thought you remember what you have hidden behind her back so with one final kiss you pull back to be met with a pout from her. 

Leah: your here, your actually here 

Y/n: I’m here baby I would never miss this looking at the smile on her face makes all the sneaking around worth it 

Leah: please tell me I have you for more than one night baby before you go back the pout comes back to her face again as she speaks Giggling at her you step back completely! Here goes nothing you think as you look into her eyes again how about forever you whisper never breaking eye contact, seeing the confusion on her have made you smile as you looked down at the box in your hands which was now between you and Leah, flicking your eyes back up seeing that hers where now fixed on the box in your hands as well it was go time so slowly you lower down onto one knee and open the box , hearing the gasp come from her  gave you the confirmation that the band you had chosen was the right choice! 

Y/n : le there is nothing I could say right now that would be any different to anything I have told you every day for the past 4 years but what I will say is how proud I am to be yours baby, every day with you is the best day of my life letting out a shaky breath as you see the tears in her eyes before you carry on and I want that for the rest of our lives, so Leah Williamson OBE you give her a cheeky smirk as the room fills with laughter , will you do me the honour of marrying me? Holding your breath for the whole 0.2 of a second it takes before you hear her say yes yes a million times yes , smiling with the tears running down both your faces you pull the ring from the box and finally put it on her finger as she pulls you up into a bruising kiss. 

You hear the cheers in the room, the clapping and banging on tables but all you feel is her , your finance , your Leah , your home! It’s just you two in the bubble of whispered words between the two of you consisting of i love yous, don’t ever leave again and I can’t wait to make you my wife , everything in that moment is just perfect! 

**************************

Hours later after food , champagne, a lot of laughter and more love than you could imagine, you are standing back beside your finance at the side of the room arms wrapped around each other just watching your friends and family around you. Turning to Leah you decide to take the teasing that’s been going on between the two of you for over an hour now to the next level,

Y/n: I booked us into a hotel for the next 2 nights so I hope you have no plans for tomorrow you say while looking her up and down because I have no plans on leaving that hotel room tomorrow. Watching as her eyes darken on front of you you step a little closer to her so you can whisper in her ear and just so you know earlier wasn’t the only time I plan on dropping to my knees for you my queen 

And with that Leah walked away and started saying goodbye to everyone you giggling behind her especially with the knowing looks you got from some people in the room but to hell with it you hadn’t had your girl in 9 weeks so you where going to make the most of every minute if that night and every night for the rest of your life with your queen ! 

[solo6677]

A Little Tired of Life

There is a popular song out right now that starts "Do you ever get tired of life" then it goes "you are not really happy but you don't want to die". Well that is my life. Who am I? I am Richard Johnson. I am a 48 year-old married man. I am 6 '2 with brown graying hair, brown eyes and an athletic build. 

I have been married to my wife Victoria for the last 20 years. Together we have raised an 18-year-old daughter. Her name is Amanda. I work in an office building downtown as an accountant. I have three good friends and a so-so friend (you know the type). 

Back to my life, my marriage doesn't feel like a marriage, I feel more like we're roommates. I enjoyed my life with my wife until our 1st was born 18 years ago. It's not that I don't love my daughter It's just that my wife hasn't been intimate with me. We haven't had any sex for 18 years and as a date night goes yeah you can forget that.

We don't even sleep in the same bedroom. When my wife and I first started to date I made a promise to her that I would not cheat on her. However, this is increasingly becoming more difficult as I have not had a life, sex, or any intimacy for many years. I am not sure how much more I can take.

Monday night I came home from work. I had a lousy day but I brought home with me 2 tickets to a new musical opening up downtown. I wanted to surprise my wife so I bought flowers and a good bottle of wine, her favorite, to tell her about the show. I thought since we haven't been out in a while this would be a fun time for both of us.

When I made it home, she was sitting on the couch watching one of her reality shows that I can't stand. I walked up to her and asked her to pause her show. She didn't even look up at me and said no. I looked down at her and told her I had a surprise for her, again she said no. At this I became enraged.

I threw the flowers on the floor and stormed off to my room. I called my friend Robert the so-so friend from before. I knew he was a fan of musicals so I asked him if he wouldn't want to go and he immediately said yes. I then told him we would talk about plans for later.

I then went back into the living room to my wife and told her that Robert and I were going to the show. She looked at me and said quite meanly, "Whatever" then she asked what night it was for? I told her it was going to be on Wednesday night. That was 2 nights from now.

She smiled and said she already had plans with Amanda. I asked her what they were doing and she just had a sly smile on her face and said “girl things”. I then went to open the wine for her and I. We made small talk and then after a few glasses we both went to bed.

On Wednesday I met Robert for drinks before the show and we talked about our lives. I told him about the way things are and how unhappy I was. Then that aforementioned song about being a little tired of life came on the jukebox. I then looked Robert in the eyes and told him that is me to a tee. I then told him I wish I could just disappear. Robert's eyes lit up. He had an idea. He then told me about Evie's Emporium.

That it was a shop in the mall. It has all kinds of transformative items. lt probably had what I needed to disappear. He then told me about AdoniX. He said with this I would transform into an alpha male and I could just disappear. I thought that may be my answer and I thanked him. I paid for his drinks even though Robert was rich. He didn't like to spend money and we went to the show.

After the show I arrived home to an empty house. I grabbed a beer, sat down and watched all the sports highlights for the night. I looked around at the empty house and thought to myself, could I really give this up? After a few more beers and I said fuck yeah. The next day after work I went to the mall to check out Evie's Emporium.

I was astounded by how many products were in this one store. They had clothes, accessories, makeup shoes, and even skin bodysuits. I walked around bewildered until a customer service rep came up to help me. Her name was Mara. She asked me what I needed and I told her that I was looking for AdoniX. She smiled and walked me over to the vials potion section.

As we went by the shoe department I could see another associate Bruna explaining how high heels could be a very transformative experience for a very attractive female customer. As we went to the potions section, I saw another associate Erica talking to another attractive female customer about how great the big black dildos feel. Then I continued to follow Mara some more. We then passed the manager's office and emblazoned with big gold letters was the name Q. Evie Hyde.

The Q made me curious so I asked . She laughed and said it meant Queen. I thought maybe it was a joke and went on with her to go find the AdoniX. When we arrived, Mara picked up the bottle. She told me that it was their last bottle and that it was permanent.

I told her that it didn't matter to me. Then I said that I planned on disappearing and not coming back. I asked her how much and she told me the price. It was a little more than I thought it would be but it was the last one so I purchased it and then left to go home.

When I got home, I took my purchase to my bedroom. I kept thinking where the best place to hide it would be. The fact that my wife and daughter never go into my bedroom I decided to hide it in my sock drawer. I then went to the living room to watch some TV. About an hour later my wife and daughter came home laughing.

I asked where they were as they had been out all night. My wife gave me the same answer she normally did: “girl stuff”. I tried to do some small talk with my wife and my daughter but just got frustrated and went to my bedroom to be by myself.

The next morning at breakfast I was informed that my wife and daughter were going to visit her mother for the weekend. I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to use AdoniX and go on with my new life. As this was now Friday morning it gave me time to plan out my new life too. I went to get ready for work when I saw Amanda coming out of my room. I asked her what she was doing and she said she had to use my bathroom because hers was not working correctly.

I just nodded okay and then I heard Victoria getting off the phone. "Okay we will be packed soon and we'll leave in about an hour, see you soon love you." She then told me that it was her mother and their plans had changed and they were leaving within the hour. I was overjoyed by the news. This meant I could put my plan into motion a lot quicker. After they were packed, they got in their car. I said my goodbyes and they went to her mother's.

The minute the car was out of the driveway I got on the phone and I called off of work. I went and showered and dressed then I went to the bank. I closed up my account and took out a small loan, I'm going to be a new man so how would they find me to pay anyway. I went to my lawyer and changed my will leaving everything I had to Robert. Finally, I went home to take my AdoniX.

I got home and locked the door then ran into my bedroom. I pulled the vial from my sock drawer and read the instructions on the back. It said to take off all jewelry and clothes as the transformation could make your body bigger. So I followed suit. I took off all my clothes until I was fully nude.

Next it said that it may be disorientating at first so not to be standing. I made my way over to the bed and I sat down so that way I would not fall over. Finally, it said that this vial of AdoniX is permanent and cannot be reversed. After reading that final warning I smiled and drank down the whole vial.

The taste was similar to strawberries and cream. At first, I felt nothing and then my whole body felt like it was on fire. I was profusely sweating and my heart was beating out of my chest. I looked at the bottle again for warnings and side effects. That was when the label fell off to reveal not AdoniX but an Elixir instead!

I started to read over the Elixir and I found out it was permanent and I wasn't going to be an alpha male, I was going to be a female. No sooner had I read the back but I started to feel much pain. My body shrunk from my 6'2 frame to a 5'7 frame. My hands got really dainty and my fingernails started to grow. My legs and feet got smaller and more feminine. My body hair all over dissolved to leave me just the hair on my head. My brownish gray hair started to spill out down my head and changed to a dark brown. My hips widened and then the pain became so unbearable I passed out.

When I awoke it was already night time. I could see the Moonlight beaming through my window. I went to sit up when I noticed my body felt different. As I sat up, I saw big titties. I felt them and a chill went through my body. I got out of bed and walked over to my mirror and stood in shock. The vision before me was absolutely gorgeous.

The woman I saw had dark brown hair and had real deep brown eyes. I touched my hair to realize I was her. My tits were big and my pussy was bare. I reached two fingers down to feel myself. It felt really wet and I jumped on my bed to give myself my first female orgasm. I then took a steamy shower, not able to keep my hands off myself.

After the third or was it the fourth orgasm I went to my daughter's bedroom to look for some clothes. I was able to find a set of underwear a black bra and panties that fit me.In her closet I was then able to find a black dress that fit me but snug in my chest. I then went to my wife's room, looked in her closet and found a pair of black stiletto heels. I put on my new heels and went to start my new life.

I grabbed all I wanted from my house. I called an Uber, got in and left. My next stop would be at a hotel for the night before I found a more permanent place to live. Well in the Uber I started to feel horny and very playful. I made sure the driver kept his eyes on me as I flashed my tits and masturbated most loudly. He drove off the road a couple times.

When we reached the hotel, I asked him in a breathless voice how much I owed him for the ride? He was quite pale and told me it was on the house and he thanked me for being his best customer. I smiled and pulled him in for a kiss. I gave him a kiss on the lips and told him I had to give him something. He blushed and told me that it was his pleasure and then he drove off.

I grabbed my suitcases off the ground and I went into the hotel. Inside I went to make a reservation and a very pretty young redhead was at the counter. I read her name tag and it said her name was Sarah. She was younger, probably in her early twenties. She had freckles on her face and very pretty eyes.

I asked her about a room and she unfortunately said they did not have any vacancies. I told her I had cash but she said unfortunately nothing is available. I went to turn away and then she called me back. She told me that I looked desperate and in need so I could have her room for the night. She asked me how much I could pay and I lied and told her $200. She accepted the $200 and handed me her room key and then blushed. I could see that she was interested in me.

So I asked if she was going to be spending the night with me in her room. She blushed again and said she has a couch she can sleep on. I then walked behind the counter to surprise her and kissed her full on the lips. I felt her nipples stiffen as I pulled her in for a quick hug. I also felt my pussy get wetter after she started to kiss me back. Smiling I asked her when she got off for the night and blushing she smiled back and said in about 15 minutes. I then made sure to tell her that I will see her in her room after her shift and I kissed her again. Walking away she asked my name and I said Rachel.

I took the elevator up to the fifth floor and I found the room. I opened the room to see a young woman's room as I figured Sarah had to be probably 21 or 22. I looked into a full length mirror in the room and got a better view of it myself. My body was the body of a late 20 something year-old year-old. My hair was dark brown and on my shoulders. My brown eyes were almost hypnotic. I went to undress when I heard the door open. It was Sarah.

She looked at me and walked over without a word and started to kiss me again. As we kissed my hand started to get bold and I touched Sarah's tits. They weren't as big as mine but they were enough. She started to moan and then she grabbed my dress and started to take it off me. I then grabbed her uniform and unbuttoned it to see her tits in a pretty flowered bra.

As I took her clothes off, I admired how firm her body was. I then threw her on the bed and finished undressing her. I laid her on her back and then started to suck on her toes. I then started working my way up her legs. When I got to her pussy, I noticed the way her hair was shaved. She had it in a heart shape. I started to kiss up her tummy and then each nipple.

I then started to kiss her lips again as I kissed her, I put two fingers in her soaking wet pussy. She started to squirm and moan then I went down on her and started to suck on her clit. She moaned even more as I then took my tongue and licked her to her first orgasm of the night. She then told me to lay down.

As I did she started to kiss me all over then she took her tongue and started to lick my pussy. I couldn't believe how good this felt. She then stuck her tongue inside of me and I exploded into my first real female orgasm. After we both orgasmed again Sarah pulled out a dildo from a drawer and fucked me with it all night.

After we were done Sarah smiled and told me that I was the first lesbian experience she ever had. Matter of fact I was the first female she was ever attracted to. I smiled and said she was my first lesbian experience also and by far better than I ever imagined. We laid in each other's arms until morning's first light.

In the morning she made breakfast for us and tried to return the $200 I gave her. I refused to take it back as she let me rent the room. She kissed me again and said that I could stay as long as I like. I thanked her and told her that I was going out to buy some clothes but I would take her up on her offer.

After that I got dressed and went back to the local mall. When I got there, I had all my credit cards and cash. I went from store to store and purchased everything I would need from clothes to underwear, to shoes, and even makeup. I was about to leave the mall when I again saw Evie's Emporium. I stopped in to look at the clothes and the accessories there.

I saw Mara this time she was helping a very handsome male customer. I also saw Erica helping an older woman with clothing this time. I was looking at collars when I was approached by another woman. She told me her name was Evie and that she was the owner of the Emporium. I asked what they did here at the store and she told me that she loves to bring out ones inner bitch and make dreams come true.

I then went and thanked her and told her what a life-changing experience this store has been. I then purchased a few more items including a couple collars, some more permanent elixirs and even something called SimpX. You never know when you might need something I thought. I then left the store and walked around for a little while.

I then went back to the hotel to wait for Sarah to get off of work. I had bought some groceries and decided to make her a wonderful dinner. As soon as I arrived at the hotel, I could see Sarah behind the counter helping someone with their reservation. I just smiled at her and went back to our room. When I got back to the room, I pulled some items out of my bag, put my clothes and shoes away and then took a long sensual bath touching myself the entire time thinking of Sarah.

After my bath I started to make dinner. I made pasta and pulled out some red wine that I bought. When Sarah finally came in, I watched her eyes bulge out. I was sitting on the couch in a brand-new pair of blue lingerie and sitting on the table next to me was our dinner. She started to head over to the bedroom when I stopped her. I told her to come on and eat first and then we can play. Sarah blushed and then sat down.

As we ate, we talked about each other's day. I told her how I went to the mall and made a bunch of purchases. I then told her that I was looking for a new place to live and maybe even a job. I asked her if she liked what she was doing. She looked at me and said she hated her job but this is the only job she knew. Then I told her I came up with an idea: what if she didn't have to work, what if neither of us had to work? She looked at me very inquisitive and said what do you mean? I then pulled out a bottle of Elixir.

This bottle will change your life like it did for me. I was a nobody going nowhere, then I took this bottle and I became a goddess. How would you like that to happen for you? Sarah smiled and asked me how so I handed her a bottle of elixir and I told her to drink it. Sarah, with no question asked, drank it down and then she began to change.

Her hair grew out and got darker almost like a blood red, her body grew out to make her almost the same age as I am. Her eyes became more vibrant and looked incredible. I then went back into my bag and grabbed a magic collar.

This collar said evil bestie on it. I asked her if she wanted to wear it if she wanted to be my evil bestie, Sarah grabbed it and threw it on her own neck and I knew we were meant to be. She also asked me to call her Delilah from now on. That night we took turns using the strap on i bought and fucked each other all night long. Right before we fell asleep I looked into Delilah's eyes and knew that she was the one that I truly loved.

The next day it was time to put my plan into action. Delilah and I left early from the hotel on her day off. We went to visit my friend Robert. Robert was a millionaire who lived in a giant mansion with many servants. When we got to his place I knocked on the door and his Butler answered. I told him I wanted to see Robert that I'm a friend of a friend and I gave him Richard's name. Robert immediately came to the door and let us in.

I pulled Robert into his living room and talked to him and told him that myself and Sarah wanted to show him the time of his life. So, Robert then let us into his bedroom where we all undressed and had three-way sex. While Robert was resting, I decided to put my plan into action. I took out a vial of SimpX and poured it down his throat.

The change was almost immediate; he had gone from a 6-foot man to a very feminized 5'2 sissy. His hair had grown longer, gone from a sandy brown to a very dark brown.

He was still naked from our sexual adventure so I could see his cock shrink till it's just a little cockle. When he woke up, I put a magic collar around his neck that said slave and locked his cockle in a cage. He immediately addressed me as mistress and asked what he could do to service me. I pulled out more of the magic collars and told him to call in his servants one at a time as they will soon be mine. Robert agreed and I proceeded to turn his Butler into a female slave. And then all the maids into my slaves also.

Almost a month later since we moved in with Robert. Delilah  and I have not been happier. We have sex every night in front of Robert while he has his cock caged. I keep thinking maybe to use the elixir on Robert but not yet. I happened to be resting outside by the pool when I saw a very familiar face show up next to me.

I saw my ex-wife Victoria and my daughter Amanda. They came to see Robert. It appears that my ex-wife and my daughter had used elixir from what the sissy Robert told us and were using their elixir bodies to fuck him for money behind my back.

I started to talk to Victoria and asked her if she was married. She laughed and said no, my husband disappeared almost a month ago. Then she started to laugh. He was such an idiot, she said.  I asked her what she meant by that and she told me that she had Robert tell him about AdoniX. So she knew her husband would be interested in buying it since she hasn't been interested in him in years.

I laughed too, yeah what an idiot I said then what? She told me that she then had my daughter sneak into the bedroom and change the vials from AdoniX to a permanent Elixir. She could only imagine what her husband looks like now. We laughed about it a little bit more and then I asked her if she would like to see a new room in the house.

She said yes and she followed me. I introduced Amanda to Delilah then pulled her aside and told her my plan. I had Delilah show Amanda her bedroom. When Victoria and I reached my bedroom I pushed her down on the bed and knocked her out. When she awoke she asked me why I did what I did . I just looked her in the eyes and told her “Thank you, you stuck up bitch!”

“I love my new life now”, she then had a look of fear in her eyes that made my pussy very wet. I will never forget the look in her eyes when she realized it was me. I said” I love being an evil bitch. I get to fuck a woman I love and now I get my revenge on you. You worthless cunt.”

She tried to get up to hit me but then realized that I had tied her to the bed. I then went to my closet and got out the slave collar. I threw it around her neck. I kissed her once more on the lips and told her I want a divorce. I then had an evil smile and said welcome to slavery bitch. Meanwhile in Delilah‘s room she did the same thing to Amanda.

Less than a year later Delilah and I got married. I love the way that she treats my ex-wife and my daughter. She treats them like the worthless slaves they are. That was something about her that absolutely turned me on.

I gave them both my ex-wife and daughter permanent Elixir and used two more collars on both of them, the slut collar and also the bimbo collar. They both work at the local strip club making money to bring home to me.

Robert, I decided to turn him into Roberta. I gave him elixir but again used the slave and slut collar on him or her. She actually is now my personal maid. Also my three friends I alluded to earlier, are enjoying their new lives and couldn't be happier! I love my life now and just to think at one point in time I was a little tired of life.

Also my three friends I alluded to earlier, are enjoying their new lives and couldn't be happier! I love my life now and just to think at one point in time I was a little tired of life.

If it wasn't for Evie , Erica, Mara, all the other writers who bring out the best in transformations this wouldn't have been written.

Thank you all

[wheredidhiseyebrowsgo]

I was reading a story recently where Stiles and the Sheriff were talking about the things that keep happening around them and the Sheriff said something like Stiles talks and acts like veteran soldiers do and after thinking about it that analogy does fit his character so well. It also made me really want to read more stories to do with that idea so I was wondering if you knew any?

Here's some where he has PTSD.

A Little Bit of Encourage-Mint by Mischief_x_Managed

(1/1 I 3,273 I Not Rated I No Pairing)

Stiles goes to a therapist who doesn't try to kill him. Surprisingly it works out well.

Dating and Mating Stiles Stilinski by 1Ginger1Keyboard

(4/? I 4,838 I Teen I Sterek)

Derek isn't used to feeling anything as deeply rooted as the feeling revolving around the hyper teen that goes by the name Stiles Stilinski. It takes Derek a while to wrestle these emotions into a form that allows him to decided he wants to pursue them. Yet, he's normally the one being chased, Derek has never had a problem getting peoples attention, he has a good body and charming looks, so he has to work out how to win the heart of the hyper teen. And to put it gently, Stiles has his very own courting ritual that is unlike any wolf or human ritual. It's just, neither of them knows that. To make it worse, the wolf under Derek's skin is growing impatient.

///What am I?/// by Nel_Lino

(1/? I 6,068 I Explicit I Scallison)

Stiles: Why haven't burnt alive? How could Derek die? Why do I care if he died? *** Scott: I need you to own me, now. Isaac: turn around, little whore. *** Danny: And if you want to try some more of that stuff we did, count on me. *** Young Derek: come here you little superhero! Mietek: I am not a superhero, I am special human!

Dreams Will Be Unified by SilentMagic

(4/? I 16,585 I Mature I Sterek)

When Stiles woke up for his eighteenth birthday, he was expecting a day of celebration and maybe a pack party. He was not expecting to wake up beneath the Nemeton, nor sprouting four furry paws in an alternate reality to learn what it means to be a Guardian. He really should clarify to the universe that he would like a break for at least a whole year before the next supernatural event comes his way.

It Was a Wednesday by isthatbloodonhisshirt (wasterella)

(2/2 I 80,129 I Mature I Sterek)

��What happened? Where are you? What’s that sound?”

Derek jumped, having momentarily forgotten Scott was on the phone with him because Stiles had started moving. He’d stalked over to the other side of the cave, still eying Derek warily and growling, then settled protectively over a mass of clothes, leaves and animal innards. It was probably where he was sleeping.

Lovely. No wonder he smelled like death.

“Stiles,” Derek said, answering Scott’s question. Or, one of them, at least.

“Stiles? What do you—Stiles is making that noise?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“How fast do you think you can make it to the south lot of the Preserve?”

Daybreak by TheObsidianQuill

(10/10 I 70,382 I Mature I Sterek)

"There . . ." Stiles swallowed and looked down at the bottle in his grasp as he slowly swirled the amber liquid inside. "There's really nothing left. For me. Everyone is . . . gone, and it feels like I haven't thought of tomorrow in years." His words rang in the air like a gunshot, he took another heavy drink. "I would trade every last breath I take to just have another shot—not even a guarantee, just a chance to make things right and bring back even one of them." -----

The pack was gone. He had nothing left. He had no one. With nothing to lose, Stiles puts everything on the line to go back in time to try to prevent the future from becoming his past. Broken, guarded, and haunted by his past, only one overgrown-pup of a wolf seems able to get past his defenses. Changing the future? Easy. Finding a place for himself in the Hale Pack? Impossible.

I'm not real. Am I? by lady emebalia (emebalia)

(64/64 I 127,977 I Explicit I Sterek)

Derek is not real. He's just a pretty form Stiles came up with. At least that's what Stiles keeps telling himself.

You're stronger than you know by Littleredridinghunter

(15/15 I 234,195 I Not Rated I Sterek)

Set at the end of season 2, Stiles survives his encounter with Gerard and his goons, but it isn't easy.

The pack are letting him down again, his dad is not speaking to him, his life is just generally falling apart.

Until he has to get a bronze dagger to kill a siren and his whole world gets flipped on it's head!

Alpha, Mage, Pack by Foxfire2018

(48/? I 480,285 I Explicit I Sterek)

Set at the end of Season 2. Stiles was kidnapped and tortured for hours. Yet no one came for him. Hurt and cast out of the pack by people he thought cared for him, what is he to do? He finds himself accompanied by someone he never expected and someone he is eternally grateful for. Derek feels betrayed and foolish for what he allowed to happen. Out of anger and hurt he forced a valuable member he really started to care for out of his pack. With the pack scattered and people hurt, what will come of them? Will they bond together again in time for the next big bad?

AND

@neverdust suggested this one!

Play It Again by metisket

(3/3 I 53,206 I Teen I Sterek)

In which Stiles goes along with one of Derek’s plans and ends up in an alternate universe as a result. He should’ve known better. He did know better, actually, and that means he has no one to blame but himself.

“Laura wants to lure the kid in with food and kindness and make a pet of him, like a feral cat. Derek wants to have him arrested for stalking. They’re at an impasse. (And the rest of the family is staying emphatically out of it in a way that suggests bets have been placed.)”

[popcornforone]

FEBRUARY

From the Marcus Pike Fan Fic Diary

Masterlist

January

Time for extract number 2 from your diary. The first one seemed to go down well & I have a few months now preplanned so I hope these all really do deliver. Well I’m enjoying writing them, they are a nice little distraction.

Synopsis:- Marcus has to work late on Valentines night, so how will this effect your plans for the most romantic night of the year

Word count:- 1800

Warnings:- DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNDER 18! PIV Sex, established consensual relationship, sex in the work place, swearing, teasing, spanking, mentions of pregnancy. Remember this is a diary so it’s written as I.

Thanks as always for the read peoples, all feedback is welcome. I hope you enjoy.

My hand still trembles when I think back to Wednesday. Valentine’s Day. I know it was only a few days ago but I am still amazed how well it worked. I’ve replayed it all in my mind countless times. So much so that this morning while I thought he was asleep, I was thinking of it as I touched myself. Marcus was playing possum & I didn’t notice until his thumb slide over my clit.

“We’re we that good beautiful?” he said with morning breath before he pulled me on top of him. My pussy was filled & oh my did he feel good. Morning kisses & gasps filled the air but oh fuck he knew what to do this morning, he always makes me cum.

Wait this is for valentines not today.

We never do anything on Valentine’s Day. First year I was sick, second year he worked late & last year a friend got married on Valentine’s Day.

How “original” is that?

But this year I had a plan. I wanted to do something we’d both remember & give him a gift he’d never forget.

I had to act naive when he said on the 10th he was on the late for the 14th. Usual patter flew out my mouth of “I don’t need a day to tell you how much I love you” & “as long as I get morning sex it’s okay” he blushed. He liked that I’m so open & honest with him about sex & our preferences. He likes that once I have said everything though, that he gets to take control. Those hips have a power over me as I quiver beneath him, be it slow & sensual or blistering passion. I’m his, my body is too.

What Marcus had no idea about is that this was all planned. Id contacted his supervisor & asked if he could work late & promised to not make a mess. Ha! Surprisingly it was all approved & allowed.

So in I sneak into his office at 6pm on valentines evening . Oooh the morning sex was wonderful before I went to work by the way. He’d got me a bunch of 13 roses & took one to trail over my body as I sat in his lap riding his cock. The way the petals felt over my nipples had me grinding harder.

“So beautiful” he whimpered as my head rolled back as he looked at my strained body about to explode in sexual desire. I knew he was going to think about the way I moaned his name as I came, for the rest of the day. I had the look from his dilated eyes imprinted in my memory. God he was good.

Sorry but it adds to the surprise.

So I crept in & set up his office & got changed & put a little recorder I had to the side to hear it all back. I wanted to get it right word for word for you my diary & so I could listen back to our flirting. I made sure his desk was clear & organised. I’d even sent him an email as to where his paper work was so he could find it the next day. As much as the fantasy of papers being thrown over the office is a romantic, it’s not practical.

I hear his tones come from down the corridor.

“I’ve just got to sort 1 more thing out & then I’m clocking off I’ve got a 7pm talk in my office & then I’m done.” The door clicks at 6:55pm & it swings on & Marcus jaw hits the floor. “I’ll call you tomorrow”

“Hi baby” I giggle as I twist my hair which I’ve slightly curled for him. He likes that. I’m sat on his desk.

“What on earth?” Hes stuttering. “You can’t just rock up here like this, I have a meeting in…” I tut & wave a naughty oh no finger at him. His eyes went from shocked to suddenly surprised.

“I’m your 7pm meeting” i lick my lips.

“How”

“Your supervisor approved it, I think he’s a romantic deep down”

“Well I’m very happy he did” I hear Marcus lock the door & hit the button to close the blinds. He takes off his jacket & stands hands on his hips. “So a valentines surprise?”

“Exactly & your gifts you are going to love.” I smirk.

“Oooh morning sex wasn’t enough”

“Never Marcus,” I giggle & stand up & start to unbutton the long coat I am wearing. I stand next to Marcus. A soft but rich kiss encapsulates us both as his hands plunge into my hair. I wriggled enough for the coat to drop to the floor. “This is your gifts baby” & I step back.

Now I know what your thinking diary & I think so was Marcus when he opened his eyes. I wasn’t just standing naked infront of him. Quite the opposite.

“I’m confused” he asked & then he looked me up & down once again.”wait is…” I nod.

“Your valentines present is all the clothes I ‘borrow off you’ baby, for you to have & so they smell a bit more like you again” he chuckles.

“You know I have no problem with you…” his voice trails off as I slowly remove his long thick football socks I wear in the winter & i seductivly remove them from my legs & feet flinging them at him. “…. Actually…” he gulps down undoing his top button”… maybe I do need them all back, urgently right now” he grabs the second sock I throw & sniffs it. “Oooh cheesey”

“Marcus!” I joke back “so you want your big comfortable captain america hoodie back then, it will make me cold when I take it off, I might need extra warmth”

“Oooh I need it” I slowly peel it from my body & Marcus blushes even more.

“What’s the matter baby?” I asked “you often see me in just your blue shirt & your boxers in the morning”

“T…t…true” he’s losing composure & his hand is trying to palm his erection but it failed. I mean Marcus should always be so proud with how big he is. “But not before sex”

“Who says we’re having sex tonight” I raise an eyebrow at him as I unbutton the shirt I’m wearing. His face burrows & he pouts. “Well maybe I need to swap this shirt for a new one.” I take a few steps towards Marcus & start undoing his own shirt. Kissing around his chin & neck. Both shirts fall to the floor at the same time.

There’s something about the way he sucks on my nipples. It’s every time. I moan. Even if I’m not in the mood or not up for it, he twists, licks, cups & then sucks. I’m instantly an aroused feral mess all just for him.

“Marcus” I groan. A feeing I adore but always has me being vocal. He whispers my name back before moving onto the next breast. My nipples are erect as I start to undo his belt. I then push away from him. He doesn’t look shocked he knows where this goes.

I step back & twang the elastic in the boxers & then turn around & shake my bum. I hear his trousers drop to the floor as I climb into the empty desk. As I do so I peel the boxers off showing him my arse. Peachy & ready.

“Don’t be shy baby” I moaned.

Slap.

The feel of his palm in my buttocks sends shivers down my spine & I gasp. He’s not into spanking, but when we were seeing what we were both into he loved the little squeak I made, it makes him throb. So he does three spanks to hear the noise each time which is his turn on.

I then turn around & open my legs, spread apart, completely vulnerable & my pussy is in need of satisfaction. He has a brief look at the state of me in front of him before he shimmy’s his boxers down. Stroking his long veiny meaty length, in his large hands, he makes the 5 paces towards me. I quiver as it glides across my clit, no lube needed I’ve been aroused for a while. He fills me in one jolt still standing.

“Fuck Marcus” he’s hit the spot already on the second thrust. His teeth grind as he growls as he fucks me into the desk. I eventually end up lying on my back on the desk, screaming his name.

“Fucking tight” he stammers “best cunt, my cunt, gonna fill you til you can take no more”. Marcus didn’t know this was how his day was going to go but he was loving it. So caught up in the moment enjoying as I clamp around his penis.

We don’t just fuck on the desk but against his filing cabinet & in his office chair.

“Fuck” we scream in unison, our final orgasms hitting. I’m in his lap. Both our bodies spiralling out of control. It was pure lust & desire. He squeezes my bum as I breathe into the crook of his neck.

“Do you know that lots of babies come from office flings?” I lift my head up eventually & look into his deep brown eyes.

“Really?” He smirks, he’s now wondering if this is a coded way of me telling him something.

“Good job this isn’t a fling & a real deal” I say as I stroke his face & he sighs. We need to have the future conversation soon.

“Well when it happens it happens & I just know if we do decide to try, our kids will be loved” his hand stroke down my arm as we suddenly then both realise the time & should probably be heading home.

Marcus was impressed I did have a change of clothes that I got dressed in, & that I brought a gift bag for all of his “gifts”.

“Baby you know you can keep these?” He says as he puts his shoes on.

“Oooh I know I just want you to wear them for a while so they smell if you again”

“All an alternate motive” I roll my eyes “hey don’t do that I mean technically you were my 7pm meeting”

So yea that was my Valentine’s Day surprise for my man. We finally got to properly celebrate one together. He has already asked if he can see my at 7pm in his office next year, I’ve said it’s a date…

March

[arsenalgbt]

I cannot write the stripper Ben fic but I can let it consume me. Wrote a little bit today, I don't know what it is but I'm obsessed, I see this au so clearly

"He requested you" Kalvin told him, swirling a cloth around the glass he was pretending to polish. They didn't work in an establishment classy enough to attract the kind of patrons that cared about clean glasses but their boss liked to pretend they did so Kalvin did the same "Why'd you sent the kid?"

"Fabio needs more practice" Ben told Kalvin, reaching over the bar to pick up a glass and the bottle of vodka that Kalvin hadn't put back yet. He poured himself a quick shot and necked it at a speed that impressed the bartender, Kalvin was hypnotized by the movement of Ben's Adam's apple as he swallowed, dirty thoughts swarming his mind "Plus he's hardly a kid, he's only two years younger than me"

"He seems younger" Kalvin mused and Ben nodded. Fabio's slender frame did make him seem much younger, a lot of the customers who requested him for private dances seemed to love that fact. Ben wondered how Willo would feel about it, if he'd like Fabio more than he liked him. Ben didn't know why he felt jealous at such a thought. Willo had spent ten minutes talking about his school teacher fiancé the last time he had paid for Ben's attention and that hadn't bothered him as much as the idea of Willo liking Fabio "It's nice of you, looking out for him like that"

"Its really not' Ben shook his head, pouring another shot of vodka in the hopes the buzz woild make him forget Willo. It was a Wednesday night meaning the mumbling scottish man who couldnt make eye contact with Ben till he had downed his third drink would come in. Maybe Ben would give him a free dance tonight, ease his conscious for continuously charging Willo double. He was surprised the owner Jorginho had yet to question him for the extra money on the books "You know me Kal, I'm as pretty as as I am selfish"

"Then you must be the most selfish man in London"

"Then you must be the most selfish man in London"

-💙🤍 KT anon

YO WHAAAAAAT??????????? TWO (2) STRIPPER!BEN FICS IN ONE DAY??????????????

YOOOOOOOOOOO my good deeds writing arsenalmpreg been rewarded by the rpf gods yoooooooooo kt anon!!!!!

FABIO

these two queens taunting new meat the serious, reading glasses wearing, office worker fantasy specialist, jurrien iktr

fucking hell dude.............. ben x Fabio duo..... please tell me u have seen Fabio's dancarina video.... my kryptonite...... idw to link the video cuz I always get so scared by Fabio's potent twinkyness like............ u get me..................

KALVIN

OWNER JORGINHO. U KNOW THE DEAL YEAH? reissy as his fave employee....... Jorginho being so overprotective of his most prized meat........... you KNEW I will demand---I mean ask to put reiss in this... oh wow

willo as ben's regular............................ my baby darling.................. not the groom then. came once and couldn't resist..................

free dance for stressed repressed kieran

damn

keep them coming yo!!!!

[forabeatofadrum]

Guys, it is El WooWoo Wednesday and all the others. We know the drill by now. But you know what is big news? It’s February, aka Figuary! Thank you @artsyunderstudy​ for the tag on this fine Figuary day.

(Gonna plug my figure drawing Snowbaz AU The Naked Truth real quick!)

Yesterday I didn’t write anything new to make a fire out of this flame, but instead I spent an hour formatting it. The good thing about textfics is that I do not care for typos etc., but the bad part is the formatting. I should’ve taken the Little Numbers approach, but I also love the occasionally silly usernames.

I am actually a bit stuck on the ending, though. Like... I am so close to finishing it, I can practically taste it, if it were able to taste fics (this would be a fun ask game, as in, what would your fic taste like?)

Have some pining Baz:

I have some general writing thoughts under the tags and cut, so feel free to skip them, but first the weather, and by weather I mean the tags. I started Welcome to Night Vale yesterday after all the #cecilsweep hype, but I actually used this bad joke before.

ANYWAY. Tags! @quizasvivamos @blurglesmurfklaine @coffeegleek @esperantoauthor @otherworldsivelivedin @caramelcoffeeaddict @sillyunicorn @bazzybelle @dragoneggos @raenestee @tectonicduck @nightimedreamersworld @urban-sith @thnxforknowingme @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @takitalks @justgleekout @cerriddwenluna @tea-brigade @ivelovedhimthroughworse @moodandmist @whogaveyoupermission @bookish-bogwitch @confused-bi-queer @aroace-genderfluid-sheep @ionlydrinkhotwater @1908jmd @special-bc-ur-part-of-it @larkral @chen-chen-chen-again-chen​ @cutestkilla ​ @nausikaaa​/@wellbelesbian​​ @facewithoutheart @boyinjeans​ @captain-aralias​ @martsonmars​

Basically I am thinking about how I want to approach writing this year. I like writing. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here yapping about writing, but I have talked plenty about what I have dubbed “my girlboss situation”, which is that I took on so many things last year that I was “girlbossing too close to the sun”, which I need to credit Christina’s fic Thirst Trapped for, which in turn has to credit TikTok. So I am already not doing potenial challenges like the Klaine CC Valentine’s challenge and the Carry On Big Bang, and I am very on the fence about the Klaine Roulette because I want to join but also... no... girlboss situation. But I do want to do something.

I know I have many WIPs and that I also want to finish them, but there is just so much to write and honestly, I don’t mind if it takes a while. That’s why I came up with the whole hospital thing.

So I guess I am doing smaller new things now? I knew I was fucked when I claimed not one, but two prompts at the AU Please! fest, but come on, one was “Dex has the superpower to turn into a lobster”. I might actually drop that one, because I have no idea what to write for it, so ideas are welcome. And the other is a prompt where Jack travels in time and meets his past/future self, and I picked that one in the hope to get me back into my own Zimbits time travel fic. Apart from AU Please! I will do some small things for that new Radio Silence challenge, because if there’s one thing that will break my restraint, it’s a small fandom. If someone takes the effort to make the possibly first challenge for a fandom, then I am 🥹. But I hope that all of these fics will be around 1k. There was, for example, another prompt in AU Please! that I absolutely love, but the story that I saw unraveling in my mind was a big one so *wink wink nudge nudge* if you are a Zimbits writer, please claim the role reversal one so that I can read it.

I don’t really have a point here. I said above the cut that it’s just some musings. It’s on my mind because my 3rd university semester happened and I had an existential crisis at 1:30AM, as you do, about my potential OFFLINE girlboss situation (2 commissions at my queer organisation, master thesis, Chinese classes, art organisation, sidejob, intensive university course... ya... I may have girlbossed too close to the sun here) and I had a moment of “what do I do with my limited free time I do not have time to write if I also want to read and paint and draw and game.”

Look, I know I just wrote a WIP for my SJAEU about how terrible it actually is for Luke to be awake 24/7, but also, he does have more time than I do!

But yeah. Just some musings from a 24 year old having a potential quarter to life crisis. Also, I only recently found out I’ve been misspelling potential for over a decade. I wrote potentional. No idea where the extra o and n came from.

[mareastrorum]

TF&TS Meta: Otis Brunkel's Character Sheet

Since I am posting another chapter later this week, no WIP Wednesday excerpt today! However, I usually throw out a meta post before each chapter to tide people over.

I might post a little late this week! However, the next chapter should be up no later than Saturday evening.

This post discusses how I developed the character sheet for Otis.

See the directory for other meta posts.

Time to go over the worst gremlin in the story: Otis Brunkel. I won’t go into spoiler territory, but this should give an idea of what I decided to do with the Tombtakers. Let’s talk mechanics.

Otis is a profaned soul, so a blood hunter that “traded” a part of themself to a patron in exchange for power. (I’ll do a longer meta post on my worldbuilding with the various Orders eventually.) However, we don’t know very much about their pact, spells chosen, background, or feats.

Matt mentioned that Otis was able to hide behind Fjord in episode 123 because they were a Lightfoot halfling, which have the Naturally Stealthy ability. In episode 122, Otis spoke in Deep Speech to say grace for the meal in the tower: “Oh, great distant voice, come upon this meal and let us destroy and devour of its sustenance.” Deep Speech is generally spoken by aberrations and mindflayers, which are denizens of the Far Realm. Narratively, there wasn’t much reason to expect that a lightfoot halfling from Trostenwald (also mentioned in 122) would learn Deep Speech, so I suspect they learned it at the Claret Orders or perhaps as part of the pact with their patron. Since it would tie things together nicely, I opted to go with the Great Old One for Otis’s patron, which decides which spells and bonus effects Otis would get from their subclass.

Remember how Otis mentioned in chapter 1 that they’d sell a bit of their soul for a haste spell? Hmmm…

In episode 123, Otis counterspelled Fjord, so that accounts for at least one of their level three spells. Otis also cast Eldritch Blast repeatedly, so that’s one warlock cantrip. In episode 121, they also created a camp fire with just a bundle of grass—which doesn’t match any spell I could find. (I’m also not sure how Otis found any grass in a frozen tundra anyway.) Create Bonfire is a warlock cantrip, it doesn’t require any material components, and causes things to catch fire, but it only lasts up to one minute. So I guess Otis was just repeatedly casting it since Matt didn’t describe any fuel that stayed alight. If anyone figures that out, let me know! However, those are the only spells we saw Otis cast overtly.

It’s possible that Otis took Spider Climb as a level 2 spell, but we didn’t see them actually cast it in episode 117 when they walked up the wall to the threshold crest. It could also be Otis also had an item for that, either enchanted boots or a potion. However, the Nein didn’t loot such a thing from their corpse in episode 133. The only items we knew Otis had were a magical light crossbow that the Nein took in 133 and some kind of leather armor (which the Nein didn’t loot) when Matt described their appearance in 117.

Matt never mentioned enough detail to be certain of Otis’s skill proficiencies, background, or feats. So that’s what we knew from canon and a few of the decisions I made. With that in mind, here’s the character sheet I came up with.

I rolled for stats just to see what I’d get, so I did 4d6 for each and dropped the lowest. I rolled 8, 11, 12, 15, 17, 17, which is a little above average, so I decided to stick with it. Since Otis was a sneaky little shit, I used one of the 17s for Dex, which then got a +2 for being a halfling, then a +1 from an ASI, bringing them to the cap. I felt that was appropriate given that Matt mentioned that Otis “didn’t roll well” to attack Yasha in 123, but still got a 27 to hit, so I figured crazy Dex would help that make sense. Int was the spellcasting ability, so it got the other 17 and a +1 from an ASI. Con got the 15, of course, for better survivability. I almost gave Cha the 8, but I figured Otis probably got a tiny boost for intimidation reasons by being so creepy, and they probably weren’t strong. Thus, Wis got the 12, Cha got 11 bumped to 12 by being a halfling, and Str got the 8.

Now, here’s the thing. In 123, when Otis fired a set of Eldritch Blasts at Caduceus, 2 missed at 12 and 13, and Matt mentioned that he rolled a 2 and a 3. So we know Otis has a +10 to spell attack rolls, but this sheet only provides +9. The only way Otis could get to +10 is either getting to level 17 for another +1 from the proficiency bonus or taking another ASI at level 16 for +2 Int. So it depends on which level Otis had been at, and as I explained in a prior post, all we know is that Otis was at least level 13 while the others were at least level 16 (which means Otis was likely at least level 16). We just don’t know which it would have been. So you get a bit of a sneak peak that one of those things would have to happen by that point in the story.

Of course, that’s assuming that Matt had even used super detailed character sheets instead of simplified stat blocks, and that the story even heads in that direction.

I figured Otis would probably make the most sense as a sneaky one, even though Tyffial’s gone the rogue/blood hunter route. While CritRoleStats noted that Otis seemed rogue-like, Matt never mentioned that they got sneak attack damage. However, that doesn’t mean Otis couldn’t be optimized to fight like a blood hunter version of Nott/Veth. Thus, the weapons, feats, and background all lean into that.

Mystic frenzy allows a weapon attack as a bonus action after casting a cantrip like Eldritch Blast, so that allowed for Otis to use a two-handed crossbow for one shot as a bonus action. Their fighting style also gives them a +2 with the crossbow. I gave them a +1 crossbow for the magic enchantment, though that wasn’t confirmed in stream. However, Otis dealt 11 piercing damage in one shot to Yasha, and that would be in range with +5 dex and +1 from the weapon that uses a 1d8. I could have taken the Crossbow Expert feat just so Otis could fire twice with the crossbow, but Matt didn’t do that in episode 123 when the Otis attacked Yasha/owl, so I opted to pass on it for consistency.

I also gave Otis +1 armor because all of the Tombtakers’ armor lit up for Caleb’s Detect Magic in 117. We don’t actually know Otis’s AC because every attack the Nein did on Otis was either when they were Halted (via Command), a 25 to hit, a save roll, or an area of effect. So it’s somewhere below 25. 18 is pretty nice, but it couldn’t be too over the top or the Nein would have no chance.

I gave Otis the Tough feat (bonus HP) because they’re a blood hunter and it’d be reasonable that they would be pretty tough as a Tombtaker, even if their strength sucks. The Eldritch Adept feat was a requirement since they didn’t multiclass into warlock; Otis used the Grasp of Hadar pretty much every round they cast an Eldritch Blast. It’s a very useful ability, as showcased in chapter 1.

Otis should probably have some magic items at this point in their career, and I wanted them to make sense for how sneaky they are. Before I started browsing, I decided one would be an attunement item and the other would be either a consumable or a recharging item. After all, it would have to be something that Otis either looted somewhere and decided to keep, or they bought it and price wasn’t really a hassle. With that in mind, I chose the Gloves of Thievery for +5 to sleight of hand and lockpicking, then a Wand of Magic Detection. This fits well with their sticky fingers, and it would help explain how Otis swiped the bag of holding from Fjord. (I could have also taken a background with proficiency in Sleight of Hand, but I preferred this option.)

Also, no biggie, but Otis is fucking loaded. Man, I wonder where all that coin came from. Maybe from 5+ years of working as a mercenary and a few months bodyguarding a member of the Cerberus Assembly who offered the Nein tens upon tens of thousands of gold for the same job. I mean, that’d make sense for them to keep a fuckton of that pay if they were decently attentive with their coin, especially living in a cheap place like Shadycreek Run. It sure would be weird if they were dirt poor after so many years of such lucrative work, reaching a high level, living a relatively modest lifestyle, and being experienced enough to realize they should demand at least some pay in advance when they go on long-term jobs.

/stares into the camera

Some people enjoy incompetent villains, but I sure don’t.

Lastly, Otis’s spells. With the way profane soul spells progress, Otis would have had 3 cantrips, 3 level one spells, 3 level two spells, and 1 level three spell. As mentioned above, Eldritch Blast and Create Bonfire made sense, and I chose Mage Hand for the third because that is gonna piss Nott off. I had nothing to go off for level 1 spells, but I figured Expeditious Retreat would be necessary due to their low walking speed (25ft before level 10). Charm Person and Illusory Script also matched the background I chose and would have been useful for sneaking around solo on the Tombtakers’ behalf. (What’s that you say? Monsters don’t read and Charm Person only works on humanoids? Don’t worry about it.) Detect Thoughts was from Revealed Arcana at level 7. Then Hold Person (That doesn’t work o— Don’t worry about it.), Spider Climb, and Invisibility for level two spells, all sensible for sneaking. Lastly, it had to be Counterspell for level three.

That’s about it. Wait, I didn’t discuss why Otis’s background is Criminal/Blackmailer.

Don’t worry about it.

[tyrannosaurusrexdale]

THE CALAMARI KID

[SUNDAY, 7:12 PM]:

Okay, I know it’s been a while since our last session and that email is an unconventional way to talk to you. Some work changes (beyond my control) resulted in my getting a pay reduction and I took a break from scheduling appointments. But I know it's going to be temporary and it'll be back to normal soon so please we can just roll with this for now?

So, I know we talked about my dad, and his career. He was in a movie that came out in 1980, called “The Calamari Kid”, it was a low budget little thing, he said it was right before he was going to quit acting and get a job selling Lincolns with my Uncle Glen, well, the movie turned out to be a hit. People loved it. It made a whole bunch of money (for who I have no idea). I think I told you some of this. So it’s the 40th anniversary this year and the town in Maine where it supposedly took place is having a big festival about the movie. The director, some of the crew, Susan Wilkes and Gary Dunkel are all gonna be there. My dad can’t make it cause of his heart and everything else so they invited me in his place! It’s been really nuts this week and honestly it’s a little overwhelming. I know your office has been calling me about some unpaid sessions but I would really appreciate an email in return. Whenever you can.

[TUESDAY, 9:35 AM]:

Okay, just wanted to see if you got my last email or if you have but haven’t had a chance to respond to it. I know it’s a complicated situation but I was just curious, I guess. This festival thing is really occupying my thoughts. You won’t believe this. The mayor called me today so say that they’re unveiling a statue of my dad in the town! They want to immortalize the Calamari Kid! It's that part when he dramatically takes off his sunglasses in his first scene, that was the very first time anyone’s ever done that in a movie! It seems strange to me but they verified it with a film historian so that’s pretty cool. I’m having a little anxiety thinking about spending so much time next to the ocean but I’m hoping that once I see it for the first time I’ll feel a bit better. My flight is tomorrow!

[WEDNESDAY, 3:49 PM]:

I just landed in town and checked into my hotel room. This is already turning out to be crazier than I expected. There were at least two people on the flight there in costume from the movie and they kept looking over at me and whispering. I thought it would be flattering but I felt just a little uncomfortable! And then in the airport, one guy was filming me with his phone, as I grabbed my bag and got into a cab, he shouted at me that he still loved my dad, no matter what he’d done on the set of the movie. I didn’t think that that many people knew about that whole thing but maybe they do! But they had a big banner at the airport welcoming fans of the movie and my hotel is pretty nice! American Colonial! They have an omelette station and everything!

[THURSDAY, 2:29 PM]:

Hey so the weekend has gotten off to a pretty good start! This morning I got to go to the mayor's office and meet some local people. A few of the movie people were there, Susan Wilkes, I told you about her! She played the beach lifeguard and was in a few scenes with my dad. Very friendly woman. A little too friendly, honestly. She came right up to me and held my face and told me how much I looked like my dad and kept saying "what could have been, what could have been." I didn't realize Susan was such a fan of my dad! She mentioned she has a daughter around my age that she seems really proud of. I thought the mayor was pretty excited but when he shook my hand he seemed to stare right through me. Did I upset him? Not sure. Feel like this would be an exciting thing for his town! Gary Dunkel wasn't here but I hear he's in town already. I'll probably see him soon! Great start to the weekend so far!

[FRIDAY, 12:14 PM]:

Interesting time this morning. I went to brunch with a local fan group and as I left the restaurant, one of the townspeople definitely threw a rock in my direction and yelled something about my dad. I didn't see who did it but I think some of the costume guys went over there and sorted them out. It was a more violent encounter than I expected, I have to say. A lot of tension in the air in this town, ha ha!

[FRIDAY, 4:06 PM]:

Susan Wilkes keeps trying to get me to have sex with her daughter. She’s really not shy about it at all! I saw her at the breakfast this morning and she kept telling me how the women in her family keep their husband’s stomachs full and balls empty. I don’t think I like that! She said it in front of a waiter! I would try to avoid her the rest of the weekend but we’re sitting together at a panel tonight and the unveiling Sunday so I don't know how that's gonna go, ha ha!

[SATURDAY, 9:40 AM]:

I have to tell you about the opening reception!! I couldn't believe it. They had it at this restaurant that they named after my dad. 'The Calamari King!' Incredible. I even hung out with the owner for a bit and as you can imagine this is a big weekend for him. He gets a lot of business from fans of the movie every year on Memorial Day. He also mentioned that "they", whoever that is, broke his window a few weeks back and that people have been speeding past his place at night and honking their horns. These small towns are so interesting with all their stories.

Susan put some money in my pocket last night (about four hundred dollars) so I might be able to take care of those invoices soon enough. She's an exceptionally generous woman! She mentioned that when they were filming the movie she pitched what she called a “beautiful, intimate scene” with my dad to the director but he turned it down. I thought that was a very forward thing to say but it’s nice to find these little tidbits about the movie. Did you know that it was mostly financed by the South African government? Found that out yesterday! Wow!

Also, I’m thinking about it and I could have sworn I saw Gary Dunkel outside the reception Friday night. He was pacing around and smoking, and looked really angry at someone inside. At least I think it was him! I haven't seen him since I was a kid but he looked really rough! The suit he was wearing looked like he found it in the garbage! Police had to be called because a fight broke out. I didn't think things like that happened at events like these but I guess with these small towns you never really know.

[SATURDAY, 6:11 PM]:

Hey I just got back from the fan fest this afternoon. So cool! I couldn't believe how many Calamari Kids there were! With the lobster shirt and sunglasses. There were a few people dressed as Susan and as Gary and as chubby Principal Rose, and a bunch of guys in vests as the Chowder Boys. Amazing! I was posing for photos and signing autographs too. The Q & A was a little different though. Do you know what an allegory is? I think it's the sort of thing you learn in college but I did business so I had no idea. But a guy in a waistcoat told me that the movie was an 'allegory' for the diminishing cultural power of whites Americans. Does that make any sense? I thought it was just a movie, ha ha!

Also Susan Wilkes had her hand on my knee for most of the session. It might have just been an accident? I don't know. I thought Gary Dunkel would be there but he did his session earlier that morning by himself. Unusual! Whatever he said this morning was pretty controversial, it seemed.

[SUNDAY, 5:30 AM]:

So they just woke us up at the hotel and the fireman told me that someone called in a bomb threat. Not good for my anxiety! I'd feel a lot better if you responded!! I have an enormous bruise on my stomach now and I do not remember the specifics. I drank quite a bit of wine last night and the last thing I remember was the sculptor of the Calamari Kid statue getting right in my face and he was very upset! Please email me back!!

[SUNDAY, 11:51 AM]:

Hey, I'm sorry if I was a little curt this morning. I was on edge with the fire alarm thing, as you can understand. But you won't believe it, after I sent you that email, I ran into some big fans of my dad. They were dressed up and everything! They were very nice to me but they had some unkind things to say about some of the people in this town. Really intense! We even had a few cocktails. One of them they named after my pops! I can't recall what was in it but I gotta say, I'm feeling great this morning. I might just keep this going all afternoon for the statue unveiling. I'm on vacation, right! This is exciting!!

[SUNDAY, 2:27 PM]:

Susan showed me a pair of sexy Calamari Kid themed underwear! She giggled and said she bought them at the merchandise stand but I think she made them herself. She brought them from home!

[SUNDAY, 7:34 PM]:

I definitely had my doubts about Gary Dunkel, I know I did. And guess what? I was correct. 100% correct. We did the statue unveiling earlier. I was super pumped. Really proud of my dad and really excited to see it. Guess what? It looked like absolute dog shit! Just horrendous! I'm looking at this thing and they made my dad look like a big weird sheep! It was leaning to one side and looked like it would fall over. And they didn't even get the sunglasses right! The sculptor came up and took a bow and was whooping it up and I wanted to push him off the stage. I thought I might do it. They took the photo for the newspaper and just as they were doing it, that son of a bitch Gary Dunkel comes up beside me and shoves me into the mayor. Attacking me from behind, like a coward. I wouldn't have fallen over, but I had a few more cocktails at the unveiling, which I'm not going to apologize for and I know you're going to judge me about as you always do, if you're even still reading these emails. A few fans that were there got involved and there was a bit of a fight right there on the stage. I definitely got trampled on a bit and I think I lost my wallet in the fracas. At one point, Gary stood over me and looked at me and said "Memorial Day 1992. Tell your father that I'll never forget." What the fuck does that even mean! Just a second later, a guy in a lobster t-shirt clocked him with a rod and they had it out pretty bad. This weekend is not turning out how I'd expected. I honestly don’t know if Gary survived, he strikes me as a very fragile man. It might be going a little better if you could ANSWER MY EMAILS, PLEASE.

[SUNDAY, 7:41 PM]:

I'm beginning to think that this isn't about the money anymore. I'm beginning to think that it's personal. Is this because I tried to hold your hand? It was a very emotional Easter for me. Hearing a lot of police sirens tonight and the last I saw the mayor he was wearing some kind of tactical vest. He looks tough!

[MONDAY, 12:58 AM]:

If you're going to read any of these emails, please let it be this one which I'm sending from a hardware store on the edge of town, for my own safety. After the incident on the stage, Susan Wilkes took me and some other people to dinner on the pier in what she described as a secure zone, which was lovely. She kept wanting to hold my head next to her body, which was intense at first, but after a while felt comforting. (The waiter was kind of weirded out about it but I guess SOME PEOPLE just aren't into people helping others.) As we were getting the bill, we heard the sound of glass smashing. We turned around to see that the townspeople were going absolutely nuts. Someone threw a brick through the window! We went outside to see a group of guys had cut down the statue and were attempting to throw it into the ocean! They sliced it off at the legs and had carried it all the way to the water! I knew the thing was a cheap piece of shit! What a disgrace to my dad! I was so angry! I went out to get in their faces and get some answers, and who was directing traffic? Gary Dunkel! I was happy to see he wasn’t killed. But he looked bad! Very bruised! I was really ready to say something. I wanted to get in their faces and ask what was going on but before I could, some of the fans showed up in costume and got after them! Jeez, it was really ugly. The fans were greater in number but the guys from the town had tools, and all seemed like really fucked up weird guys. There was a lobster roll stand that was on fire and every window at the restaurant was broken and a guy in a crab t-shirt was really crying. At least one guy was face down in the lagoon. The last thing I saw before Susan led me into the back of a moving truck was Gary getting absolutely pummelled with a tire iron. He couldn’t have survived that one! I wonder what my dad did to make him so angry. I guess I’ll never know.

[THURSDAY, 4:18 PM]:

So much has changed since the last email I sent you and I feel as if I am a completely different person. But I can tell you that I have a new family who love and care about me. Susan has a beautiful plot of land near the Canadian border that she assures no one knows about. I traded my phone for passage and goods so can you let my girlfriend know I won’t be back for a very long time? Also I have begun having sex with Susan’s daughter Euphrates so I feel like the gf and me are not going to make it. She’s a magical woman! A lot like her mother. This could be a new beginning for me. My dad would be very proud.

[meera000]

Ok recapppp of my morning ..long post so buckle up or scroll

had a saturday morning to myself. 3 pics: spread from a book on Sophie Calle that inspired me, the issey top and comme skirt that i got and will wear for grad and everyday (my two favorite designers! felt like i had manifested these pieces especially as i had been looking for a black comme skirt with ample volume), and the vivienne shirt i did not buy but i love the cozy graphic <3.

Last night i burned out. the week was too intense with finals and a long set day and unprecedented feelings and no time alone except for sleeping and driving. i split off from my friends in favor of going home and crying over things i need to unlearn. it felt good though-- it had to happen. i have been crying more than usual which is fine. at least i am able to feel, that's a big improvement from last year when i shut myself off.

THAT BEING SAID i still socialized a little today. i've been enjoying talking to strangers (on set wednesday i was helping the 20 models get dressed and adjusting the looks we had pulled for them. most of them were modeling for the first time. i enjoyed talking to them, spread out over the course of 10 hours. exhausting but rewarding. i knew all their names but they had no idea who i was. I like that a lot). today i came across a porch sale that two sisters were holding. one of them is a writer and she's moving to LA soon. she complimented my miffy sweatshirt and we discussed how much we love miffy and want to live in her world. judging by everything she was getting rid of, i knew we could be friends if she wasn't moving away. got a book each for 2 of my friends, as well as a spare piece of fabric with dogs on it. i think the dogs are kissing? awesome

also went to the harvard bookstore after getting my homework done in my favorite coffee shop. picked up three books: Communion by bell hooks, Funny Weather by Olivia Laing, and Ametora: How Japan Saved American Style by W. David Marx. all of these have been on my list for a sec, and are on deck once i finish Charlie Porter's What Artists Wear. i've got a frequent buyer card there sooo hopefully i get some points haha

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31, 2004 Got a letter from Mary yesterday, and you know, I gotta wonder why I bother wasting my time trying to get her to stop asking for favors for friends if she’s just going to ignore me. She sent a couple of pictures of José that Maria asked for copies of, and as I had to remind her, it really bothers me when people she knows I don’t know ask for favors. What do they think I am, their slave? Anyway, I scanned the pictures and sent the originals back letting her know I’d send one copy, but not until I get new ink.

Other than that, she’s tired of the family drama but is excited about the idea of living with Maria when she gets out. I don’t think she should jump the gun on what’s going to be once she’s out. It’s too soon to know this for sure. She’s too positive, too optimistic. I understand, though, that at her age we all tend to be that way. She’s still at an age when we think everything will work out, and that if we just try hard enough, we’ll get whatever we want in life.

She’s still in the middle of reading my last story and says she wants to be Lucille in the book I’m working on now.

I won two small lots yesterday, each containing 10 Barbies and 2 Kens, plus clothes. One’s coming from somewhere in Minnesota and the other’s coming from Orlando. These are the last of the Maricopa goodies. No more till we’re moved and settled. They’re both coming by parcel post, so I don’t expect to have them for a week.

I also received the Texas lot, and it’s a damn good thing Barbies aren’t breakable because they crushed the shit out of the box. Part of it isn’t just to blame on the stupidity and carelessness of the PO, but also the box they used to pack it in. The idiots used a flimsy box with a lid they thought they could tape down.

I’m keeping 10 of the 16 Barbies, but there are a few I still may put toward the lot. I’ve got 6 going to the lot for sure as well as the 4 Kelly dolls and 1 Katie doll it came with. I’m also putting most of the clothes towards the lot because they’re a bit too worn for my tastes. A couple of the dolls have bite marks on them and one has a splotch on its cheek that looks like it’s from a red marker. Another reason I’m glad I never had kids is that they’re such destructive little things!

A few of the Barbies can do some neat tricks. One’s arms flap up and down by a lever you slide in back. One has a button in back that makes sounds when you push it. The sound sort of reminds me of a slot machine in a casino. One has strings that when pulled, pull the hair up into a rather odd hairdo. Another has a rotating scalp with two different hair colors – dark brown and bright pink. I put it in braids and it looks really cool with the intertwining colors. This one has a flexible belly and is from the Jam & Glam series. She wears a striped halter and silver metallic pants.

Later…

I don’t believe this shit! I still haven’t gotten the grape oil. What, do they want to lose me as a customer? God, I wish we could manufacture our own stuff! I am so tired of having to depend on a world full of idiots. It’ll be a real pisser if I have to find someone else to deal with, because not only do they lose, but I lose too, because no other place has such a huge variety of fragrances.

They’re stringing phone wires at the farthest new house which means someone’s moved in. The good in it is that at least I know it’s not going to be that hard to sell this house, but the bad is that I know that in just a matter of time, they’re going to get dogs, throw them outside, and I’m the one who’s going to have to deal with it till we move. I wish I knew when that was to be, too. I hope that sometime next week we’ll finally have an idea. The bank hasn’t responded to our letter, but it doesn’t matter if they do or not. We made up our minds to proceed without them. It’s our house and we’re the ones who should sell it. All the letter was for was to document his reminding them of this fact. I know I’m going to miss this house till we get our next one built, but still, I just want to get the show on the road and move on! It seems most of my life has been spent waiting for this or for that. You’d think I’d be used to it by now, but instead it gets old. Way old.

What amazes me is that a house was never put in directly in front of us since we’ve been here. That’d make the renters and next door seem worlds away and like we had almost total privacy from them.

MONDAY, MARCH 29, 2004 I was right – there’s no way I’m going to win the lot. Primetime last night bumped it up to a ridiculous $118! I say it’s ridiculous because their impatience is going to cause the winner to rip themselves off. In other words, if they’d just waited till it got closer to the end and didn’t go bidding so much so soon, the winner would be getting it for a lot less than they’re going to come 9 hours from now. The seller, though, is no doubt thrilled with their greedy competitiveness.

There are a couple of small lots I may bid on. One’s ending in about 7 hours.

We decided that if we don’t have 20 feedbacks come the 1st, we’ll pay the $5 fee it’ll cost us to open the store. We want to get started!

Tom said that while he was out burning today he heard lots of voices coming from the front, but couldn’t be sure if it was at the new houses. There are lights on there, but if there’s anyone moved in yet, they’re awfully quiet. I haven’t heard car doors or any new and unfamiliar barks.

Later…

The big lot ended up going for $128. I wanted to win a lot of 10 this morning, but they surprised me by bidding on it in the end and bringing the price up past what I was willing to pay. Or at least what we had money for at this time. As Tom pointed out, a lot of these Barbie fanatics are dealers and it’s their job to sit at the computer all day bidding and selling things. There are also people out there with money to burn that get in the way, too. These are the people who are willing to pay whatever it takes to win.

The things we’re going to start off with in our store will be coins, vintage computer hardware and software, incense, plates, dolls and books.

SUNDAY, MARCH 28, 2004 The renter’s dogs have been going absolutely ballistic for hours now and I gotta wonder just what the hell could be setting them off at 1:30 in the damn morning. If it weren’t for my office being at the front of the house and the fans whirring away inside my computer, I’d have to have music going or something just to concentrate. I really, really would like to move to where we don’t have to know about it if our neighbors have dogs, but I know God would never allow me that much no matter what state/climate we moved to, and no matter what was customary there. Even if it was just the opposite where we move to, we’ll be next to that fluky household that stores their dogs outdoors 24/7.

I can’t fathom why God’s used dogs as instruments of torture on me for so many years any more than I can fathom why he did the same with the NHA and freeloaders. The only thing I can think of is that maybe it’s because I used to torture the family poodle as a small child. Doe’s “precious itty-bitty baby.” The one she treated better than her kids, husband and even her favorites – her friends. Why I did it, I don’t know. Perhaps it was a child’s only way of venting the pent-up emotions caused by abuse that she was forced to keep inside. Nonetheless, would God punish me for such a thing, innocent child or not? Absolutely. He always makes me pay tenfold and more for whatever I do. If I slapped someone once, he’d make sure they fisted me 1000 times. It’s not fair, but when is God ever really fair? I get what I’ve given a million times over and I pay for other people’s wrongdoings. Period.

They haven’t been flying lately. I noticed they seem to fly more often in colder weather rather than warmer weather.

Different regions have different sounds just like different sayings. When you think of New York noise you think of horns honking, people shouting and sirens. When you think of Arizona noise you think of balls bouncing, dogs barking and music.

SATURDAY, MARCH 27, 2004 When I got up at 5 PM, I saw that the lot was still hanging at $20, but come primetime, it jumped to $37. I’d say there’s no way I’m going to win this one. There’s this particular bidder who not only seems quite determined, but they’ve got 67 feedbacks in less than a month. Anyone who can afford to buy that much stuff in that short of a time has money. This person will probably be willing to pay a lot more for this lot than I am. It’s good that it’s ending in the middle of a workday. However, by the time I go to place my bid on Monday morning as I’d originally planned, it’ll probably already be over my limit and so I probably won’t end up placing it. I guess this is a good thing. Yes, it’s a hell of a deal and I hate to lose out on it, but $72 is an awful lot to be spending right now. We really need to save for the move.

We discussed it and decided on a business budget. This is a business budget only that’ll have nothing to do with whatever money he ends up making at whatever job he has next. That money will get budgeted when we get to that point. For now, we decided that $80 of every $100 profit we make will go towards business expenses while we each get $10. He’s hoping to make $200 - $300 in profits a month which would give us about $25 - $30. I’m also hoping that we can have $100 a month in spending money once he’s working somewhere again. If so, then I thought I might put the $100 towards dolls and the profits and grocery savings towards other things. I’m not sure if I’ll include Barbie in the $100 group. I think instead I’ll reserve that for just porcelains.

Anyway, it’s good that he’s setting up the business now while he’s not working because when he has a job, he’ll be out a good 10 hours a day, counting driving time. I just hope he won’t let himself be suckered into free overtime! He’s just way too nice.

Next Saturday he’s also going to stop and see Jamie at the recycling center because they’re now selling old junkie electronics people bring in (after making sure they work), and if we can make as much money as we have been with his old junk, we can certainly make more with other people’s old junk.

The spells aren’t working against the spiders lately, so Tom’s going to spray the doors tomorrow.

I awoke at 129 today, so that’s 3 pounds down. It would be so wonderful if it could continue on down and down and down, but nope. Once it hits 127, that’s it.

There have been lights on and off at the new houses and there’s a trailer parked beside one of them, but I still can’t believe anyone’s living in them. There are no new dogs, no car doors, no nothing, although I have been hearing music lately. I can tell, though, that it’s not coming from there. I just hope that wherever it’s coming from it’s not a nasty omen of some kind. I’ve learned that in this state, even the noisiest people can move in quietly. Even the blacks moved in quietly. When I first went over to tell the cock to tone the music down, he said they’d been there two weeks already. I don’t know why this is, but it seems to be a bit of a custom out here where you tiptoe in, get settled, then make a ruckus. Anyway, whatever happens around here, we’re not going to have to deal with it much longer. Soon we’ll be off to deal with new neighbors. It’s just a curse I’ve had to live with since 1992, so I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that no matter where I go, I’m going to be next to the most visible, most audible household in the area. I’m kind of hoping we’ll be able to grab a couple of cheap 2-acre parcels owned by the same person. We’ll get as much land and as many trees as we can. The good thing about the climate up there will be that if there’s a gap in the trees we want to fill in, we should be able to do that much easier there. Not just because of the climate, but because food is more plentiful there for the wildlife, whereas here, food is so scarce that a measly carrot is quite a jackpot for the local rodents and rabbits. In other words, they shouldn’t set out to destroy whatever we plant and there should hopefully be no evil spirits that don’t want us making ourselves comfortable there interfering as well.

FRIDAY, MARCH 26, 2004 Thanks to Yves, who thinks April 12th is my birthday (they reversed the numbers of the month and day), I’m getting $70 worth of stuff for just $12! I got to choose one item for free which will be my all-time favorite Ode à L’amour perfume that’s normally $21. Then I get free Yria perfume, which is normally $38, though I’m only getting a ¼ oz. bottle. Although we couldn’t find anything that said you had to order in order to obtain the freebies, we got a couple of buy-one-get-one-free items – travel-size lavender lotion and arnica hand & nail crème.

We’re going to have to coordinate our store with the move which shouldn’t be too hard. You can close it just like you can close a physical store that you can walk into.

The most shocking thing to happen was the sculpture I did last night of a lady sitting, holding a bushel of flowers in her hand. For my third sculpture and without any training, it’s not too bad. I think I just might have a knack for this after all. I’ve always been a naturalist at music and art-related things, and I think I just might get a starter kit someday so I can have some tools and some books for guidance. The face is lousy, though, and I have yet to learn to do hands. I need tools for something like that. I have all kinds of figurines in mind I’d like to one day try to sculpt. Maybe I’ll even get good enough to sell some which would be as shocking as selling stories would be.

The lot’s still hanging at $20.50, but the weekend has yet to come. That’s when I’ll know for sure just what’s going to happen with it and whether or not the people are going to go crazy with the bidding and bid up over the max I hope to place early Monday morning, a few hours before it ends, so long as it’s not already up to $50 at that time.

My eyes are getting steadily worse and fast, too. I was hoping they’d stay put for a while, but I can’t imagine I’ll make it to 40 without glasses. I was almost afraid to have the character I plan to have in my current book who ends up going blind for fear of it jinxing me, but that would really be silly superstition. If I could jinx my stories to life, then Kate Jackson would regress 30 years in time and come after me for a damn good time.

I woke up at 132 yesterday. I’m not surprised, since I was having around 2000 calories a day. I had 1200 cals yesterday and now I’m 130. When I get stuck at 127, I’ll probably eat my way back up to 132, and back and forth. If I only didn’t get so damn hungry! Dieting would be a lot easier if I had Tom’s problem. He’s never hungry, he just eats because he likes to eat. This would be easier to control and have the willpower to fight, but hunger is a whole different story, and I’m always hungry. It’s disgusting to see just how much of a pig I’ve turned out to be. Makes me want to take a hammer to my mouth at times! I don’t know why I became this way. They say we only get hungry if our bodies need the food, but why my body could need so much food is totally beyond me. I’m going to put a spell on myself as soon as we move. Not to lose weight and become skinny as I can’t be what I’m not meant to be, but to have extra money for fun stuff.

The assholes at the bank probably got Tom’s letter by now. They have one week to respond. If they don’t, we take matters into our own hands. Then again, we’re taking matters into our own hands like we should’ve weeks ago, with or without them involved.

THURSDAY, MARCH 25, 2004 The second letter I sent to Bob never did generate a response, so I’d say the old man’s either dead or in the hospital. Of course, the prison was supposed to send me the letters back if they were undeliverable, but how often do pigs do what they’re supposed to do?

The best news of the day is that while we only got a few bucks for that adapter, for the 20-year-old, crappy Nintendo system, we got $96!

We’ve settled on a clever store name that Tom came up with J & T’s Odds & Incense.

I wince every time the 106-lot goes up and I’m like, stop bidding, you jerks! It was up to $20.50 last I looked. This is still $30 under my max, but if they’ve been bidding like they have these many days in advance, it’s going to get crazy over the weekend and easily get up over $50. There are too many people wanting this lot really bad.

The amazing news of the day is that the palm tree’s grown 2” in the two days it’s been indoors! Yes, I’ve been putting spells on it to keep it alive, though I didn’t expect it to suddenly grow an inch a day!

I’ve been on the same schedule for about a week now where I fall asleep around sunup and get up around 2 PM. Makes me wonder if I could hold this schedule for a while, but I got to push it around just in case we finally are nearing the sale of the house.

Got a bad case of carpal tunnel syndrome I gotta put periodic spells on, but hopefully the inflammation will ease up soon.

I’m not surprised I haven’t gotten any Mary mail so far this week since I just sent her a story which she should’ve gotten last week. I’ve now sent enough stories to notice a pattern and that’s that she seems to like to keep me in suspense as far as her story feedback goes. It’s ok either way, though, as even if she wrote me saying it was a horrible story, though she’s not the type to do that, it wouldn’t stop me from writing any more than the freeloaders could stop me from saying anything I may have to say about them in the privacy of my own journals.

How I wish we could just hurry up and get moved! He put in an application at Home Depot and pointed out that once we do get moved, without a house payment, we could easily get by on just $200 a week which is minimum wage, even if we never sold another thing again. However, I doubt even God hates us enough to block us from selling things here and there. Maybe not nearly as much as we like, but hopefully it’d be enough to where Tom may only need to work part-time.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 24, 2004 The mysterious foul smells continue to come and go, particularly when the AC is on. It’s not as strong with the AC as it was with the heat, though.

Tom suggested we keep one of the guitars, saying you just never know if one of us may one day get the urge to pick it up. So I decided to keep the one I got when I was 14 with the beautiful flowers and hummingbirds on the pickguards. That guitar was my only real friend for the longest time and has been to many states and places with me. Now if some fool were to suddenly appear with a couple of hundred bucks asking for it, I’d go for it. Although I did play the guitar and the keyboards for many years, I don’t see myself ever getting interested in them again. I have a whole new life with entirely different goals, interests and priorities, so I don’t see how they’d ever really fit into my life from here on out.

Anyway, my guitar endeavors are certainly something I’ll never forget. I began on Cousin Philip’s old guitar which, of course, was a nightmare. A real piece of junk it was. Doe and Art wouldn’t let me get a new guitar until they saw that I was serious and was going to stick to it, since I hadn’t played the piano long and quit the flute quicker than I started it. I always hated wind instruments, though. They are way too hard. The piano’s easier than the guitar, but I was so into Linda at the time and found the guitars in some of her songs so pretty that I just knew I had to play it.

The boxes came today, but I misunderstood what Tom told me about them. They’re not moving boxes. They’re incense boxes and other small boxes we can use for whatever else, but they are a bit small for moving. He’ll get moving boxes from Walmart or something like he did last time. Fortunately, we saved a lot of the boxes we moved in here with, so we shouldn’t need nearly as many. I’ve also been saving boxes of good sizes and conditions since last fall when it started looking more and more obvious that we’d be moving at some point soon enough.

Not surprisingly, I got an email from the people I won the Barbies from saying that they weren’t shipped out till today, because PayPal took a little longer than usual to transfer the funds to their account, and I was like, well of course there’s a delay. These are dolls after all. Meanwhile, Tom got his coin holders from this other company in no time at all, and it was a speedy delivery with the boxes, too. So I guess I won’t have them till the 1st.

There is a lot of 106 Barbie and Barbie-like dolls in Tennessee that’s currently up to $19.25, but of course, shipping’s $22 since that is a lot of Barbies! They’re all dressed and some are said to be damaged, but they look really good from the pictures. I’d love to win it! The only thing is that the seller asked that no one with PO boxes bid. I think I just might ignore them like the guy in France ignored our ‘US shipping only’ note. The worst that could happen is that they refund my money and ship it to the runner-up. They better at least refund it if they don’t ship to me anyway. That is, only if I win, of course. One of the current bidders is one I beat in the other lot. I checked the 4 bidders it has so far and they honestly don’t seem to know what they’re doing. Tom taught me it’s best to ignore what others are doing and simply put in your maximum bid. It worked the last time, so he must know what he’s talking about. Anyway, we both agree this is a hell of a deal as long as it doesn’t go over $50, and I probably will bid at some point, though not till it gets closer to the end. It’s got 4 days to go yet.

Tom’s now just 3 feedbacks away from the store. Wish I could give him 3 of the 6 feedbacks I have!

Tomorrow, we have a couple of things ending – an old Intellevision game and a specialized adapter.

Tom sent the letter to the bank today but didn’t show it to me like I told him I wanted him to. He said it was only a few sentences and to the point, but I don’t know. Tom’s just not very good at putting his foot down and being to the point. I just hope he didn’t play nicey-nicey and sound like he’s kissing ass. As soon as you come off as too nice and willing to kiss ass, you’re screwed. Sometimes, like it or not, you really do have to come off as a confrontational bitch to get people off your ass. I know we’re destined to get fucked over anyway, so we may as well deal with and accept it. Just one more group of people we’ll be forced to fight with. I’m just sooo sick of all kinds of people, people we don’t even know, having this grand hold on us that we can’t break. It’s like we’re theirs to do as they wish and that’s scary. It really is. People will still set out to screw us in Oregon, but at least they won’t be able to take our home. Then maybe, just maybe, we can have more of your normal, everyday problems instead of such fluky bullshit. The kind that’s not supposed to happen to us but that does anyway.

Our goal, if we can ever get out of here, is to not have to get a storage bin. We’re hoping to fit everything into the trailer we’re going to get and the truck (we’ll sell the car and all the furniture). It’ll probably take us two days to get there, assuming we really do go to Oregon. Instead of staying at a hotel overnight, we may pull into a campground and stay in the trailer. Hopefully, not long after we get to wherever we’re going to live, we can pitch a tent for added storage space as well as a place for him to sleep so I don’t have to listen to him snore like a freight train when we’re on the same schedule.

I am not looking forward to living like an eighteen-year-old once again. In fact, this may be worse than the worst place I’ve lived in as an adult (regardless of neighbors/neighborhood). The Phoenix house may’ve been too old and too small, but it’s going to seem gigantic compared to a little shit trailer and a tent. Same with the NHA dive. These aren’t going to be Sheriff Joe’s humongous army tents or some modern RV that’s as long as a school bus. Still, if we have to lower ourselves a bit in life to get higher than we are now, we’re willing to do it.

We thought of some negatives to being in Oregon and to having government land border our land.

The trees may interfere with the satellite which needs a clear view of the southern sky. I’m sure we can work around that, though, by raising the thing on a long pole if we have to.

As for the government land – there could be noisy activity on it like hunting and who knows what else.

I feel like my weight’s gone up again. I’ll weigh myself when I get up which is the time I prefer to do it. I just wish I could be like most people who simply don’t lose weight when they don’t diet, rather than continually gain in steady increments. I guess this might be because most people let their weight max out to whatever it’s going to be when they get older, which is usually at least 50 pounds overweight. I never let myself do that. If I let myself gain another 20-30 pounds, then perhaps I’d stop gaining if I didn’t diet, but I’d rather not do that.

I’m ragging like hell right now. For the longest time I was like ok, God cursed me sexually by either denying me lust or by sending me people who were sexually dysfunctional, so why not curse my female parts too, and cause me to need a hysterectomy? But then I realized the periods are the curse. Besides, you can’t exactly tease someone with the prospect of a child like he did through Tom if they don’t have the parts.

TUESDAY, MARCH 23, 2004 Tom said he thought about the name of our soon-to-be eBay store some more and decided that Jodi & Tom’s Incense & More was too long, so he asked me if I’d be ok with dropping his name and having it be just Jodi’s Incense & More. I don’t care, I told him.

We discussed other things to sell, like maybe picture CDs of pictures we’ve taken.

Once we’ve moved, we’re even going to try to sell my stories. We figured that if someone would buy used keys, why not stories with gay themes? This means I won’t use Mary’s real name in my current story. She likes the name Marie so I’ll use that. I’ve just never heard of a name like that before. Nonetheless, I’ll use this unless she tells me to make up some other name or supplies me with another name herself.

It’s weird to think that if I sold one copy, just one copy, that’d make me a professional, in a sense. I still can’t imagine why anyone would want to buy my stories, so I’m not going to get my hopes up. Tom has a book on how to bind books which would be nicer than using our wire binder.

Tom got his coin holders today and tomorrow our moving boxes are due to arrive. He also got long, skinny boxes that he felt would be good for shipping incense if we can ever get some customers. We still want to auction things as well as a means of getting people to the store. Lots of auctions have that where there are links to visit their eBay stores.

MONDAY, MARCH 22, 2004 The Benson lady got the puzzles today and now we’re just 5 feedbacks away from opening the store. Again, we’re willing to do the work, but will God allow us to succeed? We understand, though, that if we do, it’ll take a long time to build up to the point where he doesn’t need to work outside the house.

He’s working on the letter to the bank which he plans to mail out on Wednesday. He’s trying to write it so it doesn’t come off as confrontational, yet it shows we mean business. Sometimes you do gotta come off as a bit confrontational, though, as I told him, to get your point across. I still think, based on past experience, that we’re going to be screwed over no matter what he writes, and if I hear one more person say that if we just behave and don’t go making trouble, then trouble we won’t have, I’ll scream! We can get away from having to live too close to people, but we cannot get away from people fucking us over. I worry about what God will have done to us when we move. Meaning, if we get in a situation where no one can take what’s ours, will he have it burned down by way of a forest fire or something? I sure hope not!

There is some good news and that’s that I finally heard from Bob. He said he just got the grape oil and plans to ship it tomorrow. He asked where I wanted it shipped and I told him.

SUNDAY, MARCH 21, 2004 Some Mexican guy went by in a red pickup blasting music. I really hope this doesn’t become a regular practice.

Anyway, I did win the lot and we paid early this morning. We would’ve paid last night, but I didn’t get the automated invoice till after he crashed. They left me feedback and said the dolls would be shipped tomorrow morning. I’ll probably have them on the 30th. The only thing that worries me is that I wasn’t able to get insurance on them, but they’re not porcelain dolls, so I guess this means I’ll get them sooner or later.

In just over an hour, the flute and computer book auctions end. Last we checked, the flute was up to $8. He’s also thinking of cleaning and selling his real flute, too.

Later…

Not a whole lot of money made tonight. A buck for his book which is going to Tennessee, and $8.77 for the bamboo flute going to Ohio, but hey, something’s better than nothing and it’s less unwanted junk we’ll have hogging up space.

Since it’s looking more and more likely that we will end up in Oregon, I decided to pull inside the palm tree that had been sitting on the front steps in the pot of the indoor palm that died to see if it can live indoors. I put a spell on it. The kind Mary would approve of for sure. This will be a real test of my powers – a palm tree living in Oregon. An outdoor palm tree living indoors in Oregon. I pulled it in now figuring that if it’s going to die indoors, it’s probably going to do so no matter what state we’re in and better to have it die here if it’s going to so we don’t go lugging it along with us, even if it’s only 17” tall. Date palms are very, very slow-growing.

I warded off another cold for Tom that tried to set in.

SATURDAY, MARCH 20, 2004 Amazingly, I’m still in the lead on the lot. I don’t have any vibes either way, but I’d still guess that someone will come in and kick my ass in the last hour.

I got up at 1:00 and asked Tom if it was the renters who woke me up at 10:00 and he said it was a huge cement truck. Finally, I said, that’s it, I’m sick of these every-few-day wake-up calls, I’m sleeping with the fan on high at least till we’re out of here. It’s that time of year anyway when I like to sleep with the fan going.

Some people sell some really weird shit on eBay. The same people running the Barbie lot are selling an old friend’s set of keys that recently moved. Someone else is selling tons of McDonald’s toys, and of course there are wholesale lots of things like glow-in-the-dark wands.

Later…

Just 12 minutes to go now. I still wouldn’t be surprised if someone beat me in the last few minutes, though I’m just as surprised to have been in the lead this long as it is.

I’m moving right along with my story. I’ve barely begun it yet I’m already up to page 17. Most of my stories end up being about 30 pages or less. I’m sure this one will be the longest. So far, though, the longest one is the first one.

The rattlesnakes are already out of hibernation. Someone got bit, according to a news report Tom saw. I was hoping we’d be out of here before they got up and about as it wouldn’t look too good if people came to see the house, but couldn’t get in because a couple of rattlers were coiled up by the door ready to kill.

Although I probably shouldn’t bother with porcelain dolls when we move, this place called The Doll Market really told me what I wanted to hear, and maybe, just maybe, I’ve finally found a place to do online business with that’ll be good. They’re not much cheaper than JBS, but now that I’ve had the experience I’ve had, a good doll of these types and sizes really shouldn’t be under $200 - $300. Quality simply costs money. Anyway, I emailed them asking if they used beaded armatures and realistic eyes and she said she always uses beaded armatures with dolls requiring armatures because they make posing so much easier unlike with wire armatures. Also, she uses Real Glastic eyes, a popular brand of realistic eyes, as the eyes are the doll’s window to the soul. Yes, the eyes really are what either makes or breaks the doll as far as realism goes. Even Jamie said that.

FRIDAY, MARCH 19, 2004 Lots of prairie dogs are out right now. I’m going to miss them, but not their high-pitched little squeaks. It can be obnoxious when I’m trying to sleep and I either have to turn up the fan or sleep on my good ear.

It’s looking more and more likely, the more Tom researches it, that we’ll get a 2-acre parcel in Oregon. It’s the place to go in the west if you want trees and to get away from all the military bases. He checked out a subdivision there that has only 35 people. He says that the more remote we get, the less likely there are to be rowdy people in the area because part of being rowdy is being with people. Yeah, but the few exceptions to the rule always find me. When too many fluky things happen, you know it’s a curse when a definite pattern emerges. Because of this, I wouldn’t mind being adjacent to government land which no one can ever own and that’s there to preserve the wildlife. That way there’ll be just 3 sides for the Brady Bunch, the Partridge Family, and the Section 8 freeloaders. Tom doesn’t think there’ll be a house next to us, but I know there will be sooner or later. If not upon moving in, then within a few years.

It’ll be nice to leave Mexico and return to America till the damn Mexicans migrate their way up there and overrun us there, too. There’ll be more Vietnamese people up there, Tom says. That’s ok. I don’t mind.

Anyway, although we all have our problems in life, getting wrongly tossed in jail and being forced to move (even if we are ready to go) is a bit beyond the norms. I don’t think asking for an ideal home on an ideal piece of land that’s ours and that no one can take from us is too much to ask for, but neither were other things I’ve asked for, so we’ll just have to wait and see. I just want the security of a stable home that no one can take from us and that you don’t see or hear people in the way we can with the renters. Fortunately, though, we can’t hear them in the house with the windows shut, except for their damn dogs and that loud truck. The dogs are nothing like what we had to put up with in Phoenix, though, as far as barking goes.

He said in Oregon we shouldn’t hear as much in the way of hunters because here they’re mainly shooting birds, whereas there they’re mainly shooting deer and elk, and once you fire a shot, all the deer and elk in the area are gone.

Although I’m still the highest bidder, I’m sure I’ll end up being outbid. When I got up at noon today I found that someone tried 3 times to outbid me. I’m sure someone will succeed either tonight or in the final hour of the auction.

Next week Tom’s going to send the bank a letter basically telling them to back off, butt out, and let us sell our own house. He wants to write it rather than call them so that it’s documented. I’m sure in the end, though, that we won’t get to do things our way, and that rather than protect us, God will make sure that these evil-doers have a hold on us we can’t break free of, but hey, if they screw us out of any money to move on, we’ll just strip the place, leave it a mess, and do whatever else comes to mind. We’re not going to just sit back and take it. Our days of being trampled on and turning the other cheek are over. I vowed that after the blacks were out of our lives to never again be anyone’s slave or victim and I intend to hold to this vow.

Tom’s never been to Oregon that he knows of but said he might’ve gone with his family when he was little to visit cousins.

I’m so sick of having little periods before I get the main one. Why can’t I just get my period when I’m supposed to, then be done with it till next month?

Tom got an email from the lady who won the 17 puzzles in Benson, saying she hadn’t received them yet. I said to Tom, “Oh, so now the curse is also on the packages we send as well as those we get?”

He said no, we couldn’t get that lucky because he had the thing insured for $30. He thinks it’s just lazy people being slow to do their jobs.

THURSDAY, MARCH 18, 2004 The bamboo flute has a bid. Little did I know, nearly 20 years ago when I was given the thing on Oswego St., that I’d one day sell it at an online auction on the other side of the country with my husband of all people!

It’s been hot, though not murderously hot. We only need to run the AC for 4-5 hours in the afternoon.

Another pound miraculously lost for no apparent reason at all. Now I’m 128, though I’ve been having 1500-2000 calories a day. Maybe exercising for an hour a day really was overkill. I read somewhere that too much exercise can actually retard the process of fat loss. I’ve been doing half-hour workouts instead, figuring that as long as I didn’t have the willpower to cut down to 1200 cals a day, I wouldn’t lose weight anyway, though I’d certainly be in good shape. It’s like with protein. Having too much protein prevents the body from reaping its benefits.

Still only one bid on that lot. It’s too soon to really guess whether or not I’ll win it, but now that I know more about what I’m doing after Tom explained more to me about how auctions work, I just may win it in the end. I’m going to place my maximum bid of $33 tonight. Shipping is $7 and it’ll be parcel post which can take up to 9 calendar days. If I win, I hope they’ll get here sooner than the blue fairy did because they’d be coming from Texas and not New Jersey.

The seller went and added the fact that one of the dolls has missing feet and a few have chewed hands. This will hopefully lower the interest. The lot has had over 200 views as it is. Although I’d prefer dolls from smoke-free homes with no damage, I can always wash the stinky smoke out and hide missing feet with long gowns. I’m not even sure I’m going to like the damaged ones so I may want to put them towards my own lot. I’ll remember, of course, to state any damage up front.

I’m both shocked and pissed that Bob blew me off. Come Monday the 22nd, I’ll send one last email. If that fails to generate a response, I’ll call him directly the next Monday, the 29th.

Later…

I saw lights on this evening in the houses in front, but it looked like it might’ve been the owner. This is because I saw the lights go off in one place, then a car drive from there to the other house. Now both places are dark and I assume the car’s gone. For my sake, I’m glad they’re still vacant, but this also doesn’t strike me as a very good sign. Shouldn’t they have sold by now?

Although it might have been better to wait till the last minute to place my bid so as not to give others time to be tempted to outbid me, I placed my bid and now it’s either win or lose.

Little Guy’s still more playful than even Little Buddy was and greased lightning for damn sure. He’s taken to a new game of charging at me when I enter a room he’s hanging out in after not being in it for a while. He’s so cute and so much fun. The only thing I don’t like is the play biting, though he usually nips gently enough.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 17, 2004 Oh, those fucking dogs! Why oh why have I been so badly harassed and badgered by the dogs of this state??? I really hope Tom’s right about it not interfering with the sale of this house. We know talking to them would do no good. If anything, it’d just make things worse. People out here don’t take well to complaints, as I learned long ago. You complain about whatever and they do it even more. I can’t believe no one’s shot these dogs yet, though that’s probably because they’re busy doing the same thing – letting their own dogs run loose. Tom says don’t worry, them hindering the sale is all in my head. Well, I hope it stays that way! Better to be in my head than to become a reality.

The dog situation is just terrible in this state. You’re either stuck listening to them bark really close to you in the city at all hours of the night and day, or you’re out here with them traipsing all over the place.

Anyway, Tom unzipped the Barbie pictures for me. It looks like a pretty good lot, though there are a few dolls with chewed-up hands and feet. Guess they too, have some kind of pet rodent.

Although we wouldn’t order till we move, we checked out a site that does drop-shipments on incense burners as well as a variety of other things from wind chimes to figurines and so much more. We found one that looks promising if we can ever get enough customers.

Tom’s favorite has turned out to be chocolate with brown sugar runner up to it. My top favorites have settled into being jasmine, angel, patchouli, brown sugar, chocolate, black Henry, butter rum, bump & grind, grape, watermelon, majmua, magnolia, morning mist and puddy cat.

TUESDAY, MARCH 16, 2004 Because we’re not moving tomorrow or the next day, I tried to swoop in on a new Teresa doll with 12 new outfits but lost. In trying, however, I caused the winner to have to pay a couple more bucks for it. That’s a first. Usually, it’s others costing me money, not me costing them money.

Anyway, I’m keeping a watch on lots. I decided that over time I’d get a lot here and a lot there, then once I had several lots, I’d pick out what I didn’t like and create a lot of my own. These lots are usually on used Barbies like the lot of 15 I got a few months back. I’m currently watching a lot of 22 with clothes and accessories. It’s up to $20 and has a few days to go with one bid on it. It’s a newbie too, so I hope to beat them as long as people don’t go getting all bid-happy on me in the end. I emailed the seller asking how many loose outfits were included and for better pictures. She emailed me back saying there were about 40 outfits. She also attached a zip file with 40 pics, but I can’t unzip it, so he’ll have to do it in the morning.

Tom got his $50 back for the coin holders he never got and found a better deal elsewhere on coin holders.

It takes 20 feedbacks to open a store and he’s got 13. As soon as we get the store, we’ll find out just how much incense we can sell after all, as well as other things. It only costs 2¢ a month to list things in a store. Amelia and Samantha will be listed for sure. I still don’t know if they’ll sell, but we’ll see. Shipping’s going to be a bit high on them even with parcel post. Especially if someone in the east wants them. I was thinking of listing Amelia at $29.99 and Samantha at $89.00. Both have the COAs, but Sam’s without her stand. Haiku’s got it since Ricki was too stupid to send me the stand she said she’d send.

We only listed two things tonight. An old bamboo flute I got in the late 80s and a programming book of his for old computers since so many people seem to like old junk. We started them each at a buck.

If I can ever get the half a dozen or so large lifelike dolls I want, plus a half a dozen or so Ashton dolls, I’d primarily concentrate on Barbie collecting. She may not look very realistic and she may be small, but she’s not very breakable, the middle of her body isn’t usually stuffed, and I definitely prefer rooted hair over wigs.

Tom got spam from a psychic claiming that starting on April 19th, our lives will be just perfect for 72 days. Oh, goody, so we’ll be in business full-time, I’ll lose 30 pounds, we won’t get ripped off selling the house, and we’ll find the perfect land. Yeah, right! These kinds of psychics are quacks just like phone psychics are.

I thought I saw a kid on a dirt bike vandalizing the new houses, but I can’t swear to it. He was by himself and usually, people do these kinds of things with friends. It certainly wouldn’t break my heart if someone did vandalize them to stall people from moving in, so long as I didn’t have to have the blame pinned on me. I can’t believe they’re still vacant as it is!

MONDAY, MARCH 15, 2004 I got my coffee in the mail, but still no grape oil. I’m really getting worried here, too. Especially since Bob’s been ignoring my email asking about it. Are they too, going to end up shitting on me and losing my business? If this is the way they’re going to treat their customers, they’re going to end up out of business in no time! Of course there’s always the possibility that someone died. People always die when I order something from someone they knew.

Once again, Netflip has me pretty pissed off. They sent another check saying that the first one had to be canceled because it had the wrong date. So now poor Tom has to go all the way to Casa Grande to make sure there’s enough money in the bank to cover things. If people we don’t even know could stop putting us out like they do, it’d really make our lives a lot easier. I’m really sick to death of having to either correct or be put out by other people’s mistakes and stupidity! It’s become the story of our lives. It’s scary how people we don’t even know or barely know, can have such a hold on us and such a huge influence on our lives. How is it that a stranger’s death in Chicago can affect when I get a package in the mail while another stranger can don a black robe and send me to hell for 2.5 years? As a child, those closest to me were my worst enemies, but now it’s the other way around – if I don’t know you, I gotta watch out for you! People I don’t even know in the Air Force wake me up more than my own husband ever has, and now this perfect stranger in God knows what state is going to cause Tom to make a drive he was hoping to put off till the end of the month because they couldn’t get their damn dates straight. Uuuggghhh!

Tom may very well be out $50 thanks to some stranger wherever the store is that he tried to get coin holders from that now claim they have no record of his order, and this is exactly why I’ll never buy things through the mail again. I really hope we can find a competent doll store near enough to wherever we move to.

If there’s any good news, it’s that we ended up making about $80 last night from eBay sales, including the lot of puzzles. Most of our things end up going to the east, but my puzzles are going down to Benson, close to the Mexico border. Only two things didn’t sell, and someone asked to buy one of them after it ended, claiming they spotted it just as it was ending.

I’m reading a book about 3 white youths who only did a few years in a reformatory after killing 3 Indians. That’s pretty fucked up. But so is executing a white person for merely passing a dirty look to blacks or Mexicans.

In and out and in and out goes the renters. Anyway, I got a nice letter from Mary. Amazingly there were no favors asked in this one. She guessed the scent I told her to guess I was burning that began with a C to be Christmas, but I told her it was cedar.

She said Maria, who lives alone, offered her a place in her 3-bedroom home once she gets out. She said she didn’t know if returning to Arizona would be the best thing for her anyway. I told her I could understand that and that I didn’t think she should anyway. I know she’d miss Murphy, but I think she’d be better off away from people like Derek, her mother, aunt and uncle. Like she said, she can always visit.

Once she gets out, it’ll be so much more fun and so much easier to keep in touch by email versus regular mail!

Sometimes I am slow, really slow. It’s like, dah! I didn’t have to sit and type her letters to her friend Shirley, I could’ve just scanned them in and sent them as a JPG file. So I told her to send me her email address and I’ll scan any letters she has as well as her book as long as she’s sure she doesn’t want to wait till it’s done.

I agree that she’s way smart for her age what with all she’s gone through. Maybe a little too trusting still, but definitely way smarter than the incompetent jerks we deal with on a day-to-day basis! I never felt the age difference, to tell you the truth, when we were cellies. Perhaps this is because she’s ahead of her years and I’m so young at heart, not that she isn’t as well. Now with Miss Indifferent, on the other hand, I felt almost like the child she said she felt like she was with. To her, I was just a kid. Something like a rebellious teenager.

She said I’m her best friend and that she’d stalk me if I ignored her. Then she said she was only kidding, though was kinda serious because that would hurt her. I assured her I don’t plan on giving her the silent treatment. It’s amazing just how far we’ve come, even if she drives me nuts with the favors at times. I hope we’ll always be best buddies!

Paula, on the other hand, won’t hear from me as long as I don’t hear from her. She’s done nothing but pester me and take advantage of me. Plus, she only writes when she wants something. She could’ve at least sent a quick note saying “I got the incense, thanks,” but I didn’t even get a simple little thing like that and I had asked her to let me know if she got it, too. You can’t ask people for shit in this world!

When she said she agreed I was lucky to have escaped the pain of childbirth, I told her I don’t know what I feel more – grateful that I never had the kid I once wanted, or pissed that I spent so many years all depressed and miserable about not being able to conceive back when I wanted to. Not being able to do something as natural and as normal as that can really make a person feel singled out, picked on and punished!

That’s good that her aunt is sending her money again, though I still think she should ditch her along with the rest of her pathetic family once she’s out. I’ve learned that if you dump an asshole, they can never hurt you again. The only ones I tried to disentangle myself from that wouldn’t let me go and who continued to screw me with the distance were the freeloaders. I still wonder if a pig’s going to come knocking on this door at any moment on account of some new bullshit they’ve stirred up, or if they’re going to come firing at the house for getting off probation early. They’re that sick. I’ll feel a lot better once we’ve moved on. I know they could find us there too like they found us here. It’s just that I think they’d be a lot less likely to stalk us in another state and after they already won and got what they wanted, even if 2½ could never be enough for them. Nothing could ever be enough for them.

Tom says the same thing Mary says – that I don’t look fat. He wouldn’t necessarily describe me as skinny (like Kate who’s too skinny), but he doesn’t think I’m fat. And she’s right, we are our worst critics. You never know, though. I just may end up as big as Roseanne Barr someday.

She asked if I thought she was ugly and said that she wishes she was pretty like everyone else. If anyone ever thought she was ugly, then they’d seriously need to see a shrink, an optometrist or maybe both. She isn’t ugly, though she’s not my type attraction-wise. And ironing her hair, which she says she wants to do to her hair which is all frizz, would be the biggest mistake. I used to straighten my hair nearly every day for years and I fried it. I had frizz to my ass. Heat is the worst thing one can do to it. The only reason her hair is frizzy right now is because of the junk detergent she no doubt uses for shampoo and all that’s going on in her life. Once she gets out of there and onto a better life and is able to use better shampoos and conditioners, her hair will improve, but she needs to avoid the heat and chemicals. Also, don’t brush it unless she absolutely has to in order to get knots out. The old hundred-strokes-a-day being good for the hair saying is utter BS. Brushing hair puts stress on it, damaging it in time. Once I learned this, I went from having a mane of frizz to having a mane of silk. Also, “everybody else” isn’t pretty, and trust me, I’m a picky one when it comes to looks, I told her. Meaning, I’d never not be someone’s friend because they were fat, plain-looking, pimply-faced, etc., but I’m picky as far as what I personally perceive as being pretty. There are a lot of ugly and plain-looking people out there as far as I’m concerned. I’m just not easily impressed.

The officers peeled off a sticker of the American flag with a sparkly background that I had stuck on one of her envelopes. I should’ve known better than to send stickers, and she has 4 more on their way with Humane Society animal stickers on their backs (the ones carting my story). I hope they don’t return them, but knowing them, they’d want to know if there were drugs hidden under them, so they could have an excuse to get someone, though I’m sure they’ll just peel the stickers off and give them to her. I wonder if they peel off the address labels, too.

As for God loving me like she insists he does, sometimes it’s easy to feel that he does and other times it’s easy to feel that he doesn’t. If I take individual events in my life such as my time at Valleyhead, it’s easy to believe he hates my guts. If I take Tom and her, people who love and accept me as I am, it’s easy to believe he loves me. When I look at my life as a whole from the beginning to now, it’s easy to believe that he started off hating me, but got to like me more with time. I doubt we’ll ever know why things are the way they are. If we ever do find the answers, it may not be in this life. All I know is that after having a lousy childhood and having most of my 20s suck as well, I never take good times or good people for granted!

I assured Mary again that I wouldn’t abuse my powers, though if there’s one spell I have to get working on it’s the spider spell, because I saw one in my office last night.

Los conejos were out begging so I gave them some lettuce. When I said to Tom how I’d miss them, he reminded me that all woods have them. Not nearly as much back east as here, I said, and he laughed and said that my feeding them no doubt makes them a bit more visible which is true. There are so many of them for the same reason there are so many prairie dogs. They’re going to miss me for sure! The buyers are going to be in for one rude surprise too, when they go outside to face a couple of hungry rattlers that come around for all the yummy prairie dogs.

SUNDAY, MARCH 14, 2004 Yesterday we spotted giant cranes from the bedroom window about 5 miles off in the distance. Curiosity caused us to drive out to them. They appear to be putting up antennas. Tom said it could be for either radios or cell phones. I hope they’re for cell phones as the service out here sucks. Hardly anyone listens to radios anymore anyway. It’s all satellite now, and DJs are becoming as obsolete as checks are.

Still no mail or calls from Paula, nor do I desire to call or write her. For what? Just to hear her ramble on about the sick cocks in her life and ask a million favors? Well, I’m nobody’s slave! People fail to realize that I’m a person with needs, too. Meaning, I need to eat and pay bills too, so if they want to pay me to do this and to do that for them, then fine. If not, I’ll spend my time and energy on other things.

The puzzles finally got a bid. I was getting worried there for a minute. Things are actually selling quite well. Perhaps this is why we’re not winning on tickets. I have money vibes for April, and I sure as hell hope it’s connected to selling the house! Tom says April sounds logical, but logical things don’t always happen in this world, so we’ll see. My vibes are still leaning toward late April, though.

When we find land that’s promising, Tom will check to find out if it’s between any military bases. The boomers we got here are flying from Luke Air Force Base to a firing range in Tucson, and we’re right in the middle of their flight path.

Yesterday I finished College Romance and now I’m working on Angel Eyes. It’ll be a long, long time before it’s done. When it is, I’ll be on to another cool story idea I had about a little girl shuttled from foster home to foster home. The story won’t have a gay or straight theme. The central character will be this poor abused little girl with powers similar to mine who’ll make those who abuse her pay dearly.

My last book turned out to be part mystery, part romance. Ashley and Katelyn end up in the same dorm house together along with conceited Dalene, shy Rose and then Nicolette, who isn’t exactly shy, but a bit on the quiet side, preferring to keep to herself. While Ashley and Katelyn fall in love, murders occur on campus. In the end, Ashley and Katelyn discover the killer is Rose, who feels like an outcast in society.

A part of me thinks how cool it’d be to have this next story magically written the way I want it written and to be able to read it without knowing it like I’d know it had I written it myself. On the other hand, that’d take a lot of the fun out of it. It’s fun writing the stories. That’s why I do it. If I wanted to just read them, I’d read other people’s books only.

SATURDAY, MARCH 13, 2004 It’s cloudy and damp out (we won’t need the AC today) and Mary’s driving me nuts again with the favors. Three of them this time. She wants me to email her book to a friend, then type her a few letters, and send her a picture of a keyboard so she can “practice” typing. I told her no to the favors-for-friends routine, like I have a million times before, with the exception of an occasional letter to Maria. Also, she’s better off waiting till she can practice typing on a real keyboard. Lastly, why can’t she just wait until her story’s completed before giving out copies?

As for my own book. It’s going through both its silent and electronic proofreading, and then it’ll be done. I’ll be sending Mary a copy of course, and hopefully she won’t take a year to let me know she got it.

I totally empathized with her when she said she was tired of people hurting her. I told her, I hate to break it to you, but the less you have to do with people, the better off you’ll be. It may sound depressing to someone who’s a people person, but the more you isolate yourself and don’t depend on others, the safer you’ll be.

We’re not even going to set our future house on a slab of concrete (if we don’t go with a cellar). That’s something we couldn’t do ourselves, and once again, that’s how you get fucked over; by having others do things for you. If you want the job done right, you have to do it yourself.

I decided to compromise with her and tell her that if she sends me her friend’s email address, I’ll email the book, but she has to be responsible for carting off her own letters to her own friends.

Still don’t know what’s going on, though I wish to hell I did! I’m sick of this waiting game. I want to know something and get a move on it instead of sitting around waiting for things to happen.

Tom got a kid’s jewelry-making kit for practice. He wants to learn to make jewelry to eventually sell.

He also got and installed a new alternator, though we won’t be going to the swap meet tomorrow. Too rainy.

FRIDAY, MARCH 12, 2004 Why oh why must I be woken up every few days? At fucking midnight of all hours, in a rural town, I get woken up by these incredibly loud planes. I’m pretty sure they were military helicopters. They seemed to hover over the house for a few minutes that I was half expecting bombs to be dropped on us or something.

Anyway, I dipped as many sticks as I could to finish off the White Shoulders and the Black Pearl, the two scents I’ve got in oil form that I’m not too impressed with. We’re going to open an eBay store real soon. Meanwhile, I got a lot of 17 puzzles listed starting at $4.99. It’d be a good deal for anyone in the state as shipping would only be $6. To Massachusetts, though, shipping would be $22.

This rat is more playful than even Little Buddy was! He’s more like him than any other rat we’ve had. He does everything he did, short of jumping up onto the couch to see Tom.

We discussed it, and since we know we’re going to be here a few more months being forced to fight with the bank, we might go to the swap meet on Sunday, but definitely the next time I’m on days. It’s all going to depend on the new alternator he’s going to install in the truck. If it goes well, then tomorrow we’ll sift through the stuff, decide what we want to try to sell, and go on Sunday.

I like to do most of my writing at night after he’s gone to bed, but he’ll be out several hours today running errands, so I’ll do some then.

Later…

The Brady Bunch behind us is on their usual outdoor frenzy. With the windows shut, though, I can’t hear the kids screaming or the adults screaming at the kids.

Mary sent a letter, and of course, she had to ask me a favor. It appears there’s some new criminal she’s hot for. What her obsession is with “bad boys” I’ll never know. She asked me to find some Hispanic guy in another Florida prison. “I just want to know if he’s still there, and please send a small mug shot,” she said, but you know, I’m tired of doing for others and I don’t want to aid in her sick fantasies, so I just told her I couldn’t find him. She wouldn’t even say who he was or what he was in for, so I’m sure he’s in for some violent offense of some kind.

THURSDAY, MARCH 11, 2004 Haiku made it to Phoenix last night. Now I’m waiting to see if they update the link saying she’s reached Casa Grande and is out for delivery. She left Phoenix at 4:00 this morning, so she oughta be in Casa Grande right about now being loaded onto the delivery truck. Because I’m so anxious to finally – finally – receive her, I’m sure she’ll be one of the last deliveries of the day. So long as whatever’s been trying to stop her from getting to me doesn’t literally reach down, pick the delivery truck up, and hurl it across the state.

The front light is on in the furthest new house. I asked Tom if he’s heard any barking or car doors and he said no. My guess is that the workers or people showing the house simply left it on. It’s been too quiet for someone to have moved in.

Although the research was a bit conflicting, Tom says it looks like the bank wants to screw us over. Well, of course, I told him. You didn’t think God would exactly bless us with honest, good-willed people to have to deal with, did you? Even out here we still get stomped on by society! I am so, so sick of everyone else but us having a hold on us and the power to make us or break us! Like we both agree, though, the more we isolate ourselves from civilization and the more we own outright, the less chance we’ll have of getting fucked over. Then God can send us other forms of trouble.

Anyway, he says it looks like they want to auction off the house which may not be such a bad thing since he himself even considered doing it that way. Only time will tell just what they have in mind. Meanwhile, I don’t trust them and I think Tom should tell them, look, it’s our house, so we’ll sell it. He urged me to trust him to handle it. As long as you’re not going to be too nice, I told him. That’s how you get taken advantage of. He then assured me he was going to be anything but nice. I asked if he thought it could be connected to his being fired, and he said no, but since we know that honesty doesn’t do us any good anyway, he’s going to use that as a crutch. Way to go, I told him. The blacks and Mexicans have their race crutch, so we’ll use our own little crutch. Everyone’s so quick to “poor baby” the blacks and Mexicans when they get discriminated against, but no one gives a shit about the whites, Jews and gays.

I’d like to think that in the end, this will all work out the way it should, but I know better. Why God continually insists on whipping our asses with evil-doers is beyond me, but I know that’s just what he intends to do. We’re the last ones he’d ever make sure ended up in good hands, and I really believe it is God and not some devil. If God’s supposed to be the most powerful being, then he’d override the devil if it were the devil out to screw us. But he hasn’t yet so that tells me something. Something scary.

As for my schedule, I’m not doing a damn thing about it till things actually start happening. If all goes well, we should be out of here in April. If we have to stop and play hardball, we could be here till June. I feel like this land that was so determined to get rid of me, now has decided it’s not going to let me go so easily!

My vibes have shifted to a treed 8-acre parcel in Oregon. Tom says that’s an unusual unit and that the most common parcels are 2 and 10 acres just like here. If we had to choose between 2 treed acres versus 10 wide-open like this, we’d take the 2 treed acres. With the Brady Bunch soon to follow us, it’s got to be either a dense wall of trees or a ton of space so I can hear myself think and live in peace. If the choice came down to 2 treed acres and 40 open, then the decision would be a little tougher.

We may possibly go to the swap meet this weekend to not only try to sell more of the little things but also some of the big things like the old lawn mower we had in Phoenix, the blower, and things like that. This time we’re going to remember to use sunscreen, too!

The old software he’s selling is doing well for bids. As we both said, we can’t sell these nice hand-painted, one-of-a-kind plates, yet we can sell his old, obsolete junk. Oh well. At least we’re selling something.

I was surprised to find my big-leaf plant was already sprouting a new shoot.

Since I’ve been eating like a pig, I was also quite surprised to wake up at 129 after being 131 the other day. You simply don’t lose 2 pounds without even trying at my age.

Later…

Haiku arrived, and although she is a cutie, they couldn’t have done a lousier job on her had they tried. First of all, the beaded armature I specifically asked for is that shit wiring I hate, the inset lashes I asked for are half painted, the stand I asked for wasn’t present, and they didn’t even take the time to glue her damn wig on. So, as is always the case, I was stuck having to do what I paid Ricki to do and we used a hot glue gun to affix the wig. The doll has no breastplate, but her head does move, and to tell you the truth, I’m amazed she wasn’t broken. They barely packed her. She had just a few half-assed pieces of foam wrapped around her arms and legs. I didn’t realize this doll’s arms were bent at the elbows which pissed me off at first. Then I arranged her in a way that had her hold a pink teddy bear and it looked adorable. I repacked her with rubber bands down her ponytail to give her the straight hair I asked for and didn’t get (it’s wavy). She looks so different in person. More Hispanic than Asian. She’s a good sculpt, though. I can’t deny that. Very realistic.

I’m still very seriously considering hanging up my collecting no matter what we have for money. If I can’t get exactly what I want and order, then I don’t want anything at all, though she’s certainly not bad enough to return or sell. She’s better than Samantha. For $100, she’s fine, but this is obviously why the bitch is so cheap; because they do a lousy job. I just don’t understand why so many people are so damn stupid! It makes me embarrassed to be part of the human race at times. She fouled up my order so much that it made me wonder if it wasn’t deliberate. I can’t believe she didn’t go so far as to make her a gray-eyed blond!

If I ever do get any more of these kinds of dolls, I’ll go through JBS. They’re overpriced, but they do the job right.

I might one day buy a beaded armature, dismantle her, and put her together properly. Maybe I should just get doll kits from now on!

Why oh why am I so cursed with dolls?!

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 10, 2004 We had to run the AC for a little while yesterday. It’s already 4:00 in the morning and yet it’s 79º in here.

Now the package chase curse is on Tom. He’s been expecting $50 worth of coins that he wants to sell online, and they haven’t arrived yet. When he called about them, he learned they hadn’t even been shipped yet.

Tom said he doesn’t know exactly what this means, but right before he was going to email some local realtors, he got a letter from the bank saying they were going to sell our house. First he’s going to wait and see if they contact him and do a little research. Assuming he doesn’t hear from them, he’ll contact them directly and ask just what they mean by saying they’re going to sell our house. As long as they’re willing to ask a reasonable amount and not ask for something like $100,000 so we have no money to move on, they can sell it all they want, though it’s our house and we’d prefer to sell it ourselves. We don’t trust them. Not after what we’ve gone through and I don’t trust God, either. He’s done nothing but lead us into the hands of greedy, scamming assholes and the last one I trust to look out for our well-being is him. Not with the way we’re a magnet for trouble.

So, once again our fate lies in the hands of strangers with the power to make us or break us, though they’ll be sorry if they break us. They really will. Not just because of the curse I’ll damn them with, but because of our new “fight back” motto the freeloaders inspired. We give what we get. Period. We’re not going to fight back stupidly and get ourselves in trouble, of course, but there are plenty of legal ways to play hardball if that’s the game they want to play with us. We’d prefer to go out peacefully with everyone doing the right thing, but as past experience has taught me, if people can take advantage of you and fuck you over, they will. These people are in the position to do just that, so that means they more than likely will, in which case we’ll strip this place silly on our way out. Sell or take the appliances that came with the house, maybe do a little pipe puncturing of our own (with teeny tiny nails that’ll take time to start leaking and become noticeable as was the case with the shower), and hey, why not add in some electrical work, too? Copper wiring and aluminum wiring don’t mix any better than oil and water, and there’s no crime in being stupid which is exactly what it’d appear to be – someone who didn’t know what the hell they were doing, not someone setting the stage for a delayed fire.

My vibes are shifting yet again, now leaning toward Oregon. The more we research land there, the more we like what we see. We’d probably end up with a smaller parcel, but it’d be just fine what with how dense and tall the trees are there. We can tell just how secluded certain properties are by how far away the power and phone lines are. We don’t want anything saying those are available, and we certainly don’t want anything saying sewer systems are available. It’d have to be more than twice as populated as where we are now for them to go putting in sewer pipes.

Anyway, we have 30 days to dispute the letter, though I’m hoping we won’t have to. I’m just sick of all these delays and worries! I just want to get this move, wherever we’re going, done and over with! If all goes well, we’ll be out of here in April like I originally vibed. If they want to fuck with us for a while first, then we could be here into June.

Another thing I like about Oregon is that it’s closer to the ocean. Not as close as it was for me back east, since we’d be inland, but certainly closer than here. I think the dense forest would also help to muffle the gunshots from hunters, and they also may be less likely to boom over the house. The only reason they do it here is that there is no ocean close by.

We’re so ready to go now that I just might not be bawling my eyes out come moving day like I thought I would be. I even decided not to take the house’s valances after all. Especially if we’re going to be in an old trailer or a tent for a year or two. We may turn it into a regular little campsite while we build the house. There are bears there, but oh well. They’ll just have to learn to coexist with us. They have all kinds of camping equipment from showers to toilets, etc. We may go with what’s known as a compost toilet system rather than a septic because it’s so much cheaper. They also say it doesn’t smell because it creates a vacuum that sucks air down into it. I hope this is the case because septic tanks can really stink at times. Especially if you’re like me with the nose of a bloodhound.

TUESDAY, MARCH 9, 2004 Little Fella couldn’t hold out any longer. He was still alive (I think) when I got up, though after I had watched the Charlie’s Angels movie and showered, I found him dead. I’m sad, though I knew it was coming. It’s when they suddenly die without warning and surprise you that you’re the hardest hit. It’s still a sad thing. He was a good rat. I took his last picture yesterday of him sleeping. When Tom gets up he’ll be laid to rest with Scuttles, Houdini, Ratsy, Little Buddy and Oreo.

As for the movie; it wasn’t as good as I was hoping it’d be. Except for a few funny parts, it was mostly centered around the producers, the making of the show, and of course, Farrah. Polls said she was the favorite. She was way ahead of Jaclyn who was just a little ahead of Kate. It’s funny how the first angel they picked for the show (Kate), and who was the show’s star, turned out to be one of the least-liked angels.

They seemed to get along for the most part, yet at the same time, Kate seemed a little jealous of Farrah. The actress playing Kate didn’t look like her, but she had her voice and dyky attitude and mannerisms down to a T. In fact, she sounded so much like her that at times I wondered if the real Kate supplied the voice for this character.

Farrah said she loved Kate, but that she was so bossy. I can totally believe it, as well as the part where Kate protests wearing a bikini and says, “We’re private dicks, not purring pussies!” I can also see her taking fits in her trailer over certain parts of the script.

I also got a kick out of how she told Time magazine off when they came to do interviews when they were just about to go on their lunch break. The Time guy was like, “But I have a deadline!” and Kate tells him that’s not her problem and to come along ladies, referring to Farrah and Jackie, so they could go eat lunch.

Then there was the time this guy was going through racks of clothing with her and everything he picked was all wrong. She’s telling him, “Too low, too sheer, too short,” then when he picks a bikini, she goes. “Over my dead body,” and grabs a black turtleneck herself. Yes, she was famous for those turtlenecks, though I personally found her sexy even in those body-clinging things and she looked hot in black.

When I was watching the chick who was brushing her hair in her trailer, I was like, now why couldn’t that have been me? But then I was like nah, I’d have wanted to do more than brush her hair. Much, much more.

Haiku departed Jackson, Mississippi a few hours ago.

It got up to 85º in here yesterday.

I really, really hope I don’t see any pigs cruising by today. That was a very disturbing sight, and if I see them today too, I’m really going to get suspicious.

Later…

We buried Little Fella a little while ago.

I’m sorry to say the trailer in back has returned, only because they’ve been going in and out constantly for water in that loud truck. And of course they always, always have to go by the house. They can’t go up Meadow Green, away from us. I’m pretty sure someone’s living in the trailer at this point. Besides, I saw a light on in it last night.

Later…

Haiku’s now just two states away in Mesquite, Texas! It’s both fun and exciting to track her journey out to me. I think she’s going to make it after all.

It’s getting rather toasty in here. I think we’re going to need the AC for a while. I even turned the cold water control on the water dispenser. I had it off during the colder weather, keeping it at room temperature. The only one I leave on all the time is the hot water.

I’ve been calling Little Guy Blondie with his coloring and all. He’s so cute, though brown rats are my favorite. Brown that’s not overly dark like Baldilocks. And I like smoother, flatter fur better than the coarse fur with cowlicks.

MONDAY, MARCH 8, 2004 My first group of puzzles sold to someone in CA, but the plates and incense didn’t sell. Tom thinks it’s because we said we’d ship priority mail which is more expensive. He wants to try shipping first class, but I still don’t think it’s going to work out because it’s what I want. If God never let me do what I wanted in life before, why would he start now? On the other hand, I have plenty of other things I do that I enjoy. They may not make me money, but they’re fun just the same.

Tonight’s the Charlie’s Angels movie!!! I’ll be crashing before it goes on, so I’ll see it when I get up.

Haiku went through Raleigh, NC, and recently left Greensboro, NC. Still too much distance between us to say for sure that she’ll make it here, but I’m more hopeful than I have been in a month.

The heat never came on last night.

Later…

About an hour ago I was sitting at my desk brushing my hair when my worst nightmare appeared, slowly creeping down Ralston and heading towards Bitter Root, then stopping by the shacks next door which are at the edge of their property. With my heart feeling like it would jump out of my chest, I ran and alerted Tom who was in the other room. A few minutes later, my nightmare moved on towards Bitter Root and out of view.

As I told Tom, a small pickup passed by with a sheriff’s car behind it. Tom assured me we had nothing to worry about, but after what happened to me and knowing that those freeloaders are still out there and know where we are, I can’t help but get paranoid. Tom reminded me that they can’t rehash old shit, but as I reminded him, they were obsessed with me. Enough to die for me if it came down to it. So while it may be true that they can’t legally reopen old cases, what’s to say they didn’t get robbed or something and are blaming me? After all, I’d be a convenient one to pin it on. If they don’t know who did it, why not blame the white Jew who hates everybody? It’d be my word against theirs, and if I can get framed once, why not twice?

Tom says they were probably just looking for a stolen vehicle and that that could be why they stopped by the shacks; they have that old dumpy car sitting there. He also says that sooner or later they are going to come out with papers about the house.

I just want to get out of here! No, I don’t have any bad vibes, but no psychic is perfect and I’d just feel a whole lot better being someplace far away that they don’t know about.

I try to tell myself, “Calm down. Don’t let the sight of a pig freak you out.” But it’s easier said than done. I’m going to be nervous until we make it out of here. I know, though, that if God wants to whip my ass with these sickos, he’s not going to let us make it out in time. Life is one crisis and struggle after another, and while this shit with the house may be quite a party as opposed to the freeloader shit, maybe that’s the problem. Maybe God feels I need more shit thrown at me, though I certainly hope not! I’ve had enough and I’d like at least a year off from the stressful, long-term problems he likes to curse me with.

I burned all but the paper saying my probation was terminated early, so that way if some sick pig out to play games with me tries to come and say I skipped, I’ll have that paper.

SUNDAY, MARCH 7, 2004 The tracking link works! Haiku left Edenton, NC yesterday and has been rescheduled to be delivered on the 11th. Can’t wait, and oh how I hope there are no more problems or delays and that she came out ok! If they damaged the label, they could’ve damaged her.

Got the blue fairy and a letter and drafts from Mary yesterday. She liked my sculpted rat and thought Little Guy was a cutie. Said he reminds her of a rat her brother had that was a size 8 shoe which is about what Little Fella is (I assume she means women’s sizes). He may be closer to a 6 or 7. Little Guy’s a lot of fun. He’s fast, playful, smart, and affectionate. It’s weird, though, because he sometimes stands still with his head raised and slowly sways from side to side as if he’s off-balance.

Baldilocks has turned out ok. He lets me handle him more. He’s sort of in between. Meaning, he’s not a bad rat, but I doubt he’ll ever be one of the most memorable and outstanding rats, either. He’s not nearly as cute as the others with his extra thin, coarse poodle-like fur. I like the thicker fur that’s straight and smooth. I also like how he goes home on his own after being out exploring.

Yes, I’ve been pretty happy, as Mary pointed out, though I have the usual day-to-day worries. I just want to get out of here, though that might not be for a couple of months yet. We’re calling the realtor this week no matter what the damn bank says. We need to get the show on the road. His unemployment expires at the end of next month. I doubt he’ll ever work again in this house, but as soon as we get moved, he’ll need to get out and get a job no matter what it pays, before the money from the sale of the house runs out. I still doubt we’ll ever have a home business successful enough to keep him home.

She was reminiscing with laughter over the time I was twirling around in our cell and Bryant asked her what was wrong with me, and she goes, “Who?”

She said she missed the dry air here, well, Arizona was anything but dry for a few days there. We had quite a bit of rain.

I’ll miss the monsoon storms if we don’t move to a similar climate. Who knows, though? We may remain in the desert. If we do, I’m hoping it’ll be the Kingman area because then we’ll be close to Laughlin and JBS’s main store. Their dolls may be outrageously overpriced, but at least they do a good job and then I could walk into the store and get the dolls when they’re done and not have to play the package chase game. We’re still hoping for a mild, woodsy climate, though.

It’s just now starting to warm up for the year, getting up into the 80s. The heat didn’t come on till just now and it’s nearly 4 AM.

An hour ago I thought of Mary being woken up to clean the dayroom with the utmost empathy.

I was glad she let me know what letter number she was up to. When she does that I know just how updated she was at the time she writes her letters to me.

I guess we have as much in common as we don’t, because I too, ask God why he would allow us to have the miserable lives we’ve had. And I ask the same question she said she did – what does life want with me? It’s not like someone else’s life depends on mine, so what’s the point? What can I really offer anyone?

I understand she still loves her family but is fed up with their crap. I still say the way to avoid it is to avoid them. If you don’t want to get struck by lightning, don’t be outside when it storms! It’s great that she’s taking a stand against her uncle. Always, always follow your heart, your head, and your gut instinct, I told her. Never be what society thinks or says she should be, or what any individual thinks or says she should be for that matter. I want to work instead of having kids not because it’s a common practice nowadays, but because it’s what I feel is best for me.

I’m surprised she’s got so much of José in her book only because while he may be a big part of her life, he’s not a big part of the case.

She was nearly in tears when I mentioned she didn’t usually send letters without drafts, so I adamantly assured her that I didn’t mean to imply anything bad when I said that. I told her she can send letters with drafts anytime she wants and reminded her that I myself don’t always send letters by themselves. I often enclose journals, pictures and typed drafts, so she shouldn’t worry about it.

Although I hope to one day see her and go to Red Lobster as she mentioned, I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever see her again regardless of what state she ends up in or we end up in, as I told her, because I hate to travel and she may not feel it’s fair to have all the traveling put on her when it came down to us seeing each other, which I’d totally understand. I don’t like to go anywhere without Tom, who would have to stay back and work, and he doesn’t like to go anywhere without me unless it was a business trip or something like that. If she did come to me, wherever I end up, the least I can do is save her from hotel expenses. She can stay with us and we’ll feed her, too.

As far as her asking me what I’d like her to do for me for typing up her book – don’t worry about it, I told her. She’s my friend, I wanted to help, and I’m sure she’d do the same for me if the tables were turned. She’s probably the sanest, most reliable, most tolerant, and most accepting friend I’ll ever have! If she someday has a writing career or some other career and she wants to hire me to work for her from wherever I live, great. If not, fine. Besides, I do like to type and it’s not like I have drafts to type every single day. I don’t think she has any concept of just how fast I can type, either! I type almost as fast as we speak. I also know that if this book does generate any money she’d give me a little something because that’s the way she is.

I wonder if she’ll be released this year or next. I don’t think they’ll send her to prison for a decade, but I still worry they’ll hit her with a lifetime of probation. She said it herself in her book, the judicial system isn’t what it used to be. If this were the 70s or even the 80s, she probably never would’ve done time.

SATURDAY, MARCH 6, 2004 Now that’s just what this wide-open place needs. Fog. Lots of it. That’ll give people privacy around here for sure. I can barely see out to the road, it’s so foggy right now.

I love this rat so much. It shocks me to say this, but he just might be even better than Little Buddy. He’s more fun. He’s so fast and playful. He really loves attention and he really loves to run around. Unlike Little Fella and Baldilocks, he runs all over the house. He and Baldilocks play all the time now, but poor Little Fella still sleeps most of the time, rarely moving from the floor of the cage. He’s very weak and he doesn’t look good at all.

FRIDAY, MARCH 5, 2004 Got my incense yesterday. The order was perfect, too. Right now I’m burning some magnolia. It’s a rather unusual yet nice fragrance.

Little Fella is hanging on by a thread like no other rodent I’ve ever had before. I think this is because I can’t undo the life spell I put on him. Most spells can’t be reversed that easily.

Still nothing from Ricki. We’re wondering if perhaps the old, incompetent biddy even remembered to contact UPS. Tom’s going to call her tomorrow.

As for the Kate doll, I decided not to bother trying to win it. Not just because I may not get her, but because they wouldn’t list how much shipping would cost, and that could’ve ended up being $20 for all we knew. Her skirt was also said to have some discoloration, and they only accepted cashier’s checks or money orders. Most importantly, we need our money right now.

We’re calling the realtor next week with or without hearing back from the bank about the forms. We don’t need them or anybody else to tell us how or when to sell our house. As far as where we’re going, my vibes are fluctuating between AZ/NV. I think we’ll be out of here on or around April 26th.

Got letters, drafts, and a Maria letter from Mary.

Tom and I agree with her – 13 is a lucky number. It saved my life, in a sense. The room number at Valleyhead from which I jumped was #13.

I thanked her for sharing her opinions, beliefs, and feelings. I agree with some and some I don’t. It’s like she said – to each their own. She doesn’t try to make me into her so that’s cool. I weigh people’s beliefs and advice in my mind. Some I take, some I leave. Because she’s one of the few who doesn’t try to change me, I don’t feel offended or pressured in any way by her sharing her thoughts with me. I believe that different things work for different people.

One of her biggest concerns - and she assured me she was only looking out for me - was my delving into witchcraft. She insists I’ll have to pay tenfold for each spell I cast, but as I told her, for someone who believes in free will, I’m surprised she’d believe we’re made to pay for things like spells we cast. After all, what’s the point of giving people the free will to do as they please if you’re just going to punish them for it? I believe we’re given free will in some areas of life and in others we’re not, as it wasn’t meant to be. Meaning, I don’t have the free will to stop the sun from rising or setting because I wasn’t meant to be doing any such thing in the first place. That’s God’s job, and I totally agree with her when she says he is the most powerful being of all.

I don’t believe I’ll be punished for any spells I cast because I don’t believe God would’ve given me the ability to do so if he was going to punish me for using it so long as I don’t abuse it. In other words, I’m not going to put a spell on UPS cuz they’re too stupid to deliver my package. I don’t believe God judges us for every little thing we do. If anything, he’d punish me a lot quicker for slapping someone back that slapped me, than he would for me putting a spell on someone who slapped me. I use my best judgment on when and who to put spells on and I haven’t been punished yet so I’d say I’m doing ok and that I don’t have to worry. It’s like how some say gays will be punished. That’s bull, I say, for if God hated gays so much that he felt the need to punish them, why do we even exist in the first place? I do believe, though, that God can be cruel, unfair and vengeful towards either particular groups of people or individuals. I also believe that what may be ok for some may not be ok for others. Maybe John Doe can get away with robbing a bank, but maybe Jane Doe can’t. Maybe God will see to it that she’s caught and punished while he lets John get off scot-free to enjoy the loot. I think he has different standards for different people and for different reasons, though what they are, we’ll probably never know.

She asked if I studied witchcraft, and as I told her, I don’t think that or psychism is something one can really study. I think it’s just something you can or can’t do, though those who can don’t always know it. Never heard of a white witch before which she says she was, but she also refused to use her powers. I didn’t know witches came in colors. See, I thought the definition of the word “witch” was someone that casts negative spells, while a psychic predicted things, saw places they’d never been, did spirit guiding, etc.

She says her family is said to be cursed for 7 generations with her kids being the final generation. I know her family and her kids are cursed. It seems a lot of families are cursed. Why, I do not know. Don’t know who does the cursing either. It could be God, the devil or something else entirely. It’s a big old mystery to me. She says she tries to pay no attention to the spirit world yet that’s another thing that’s sometimes easier said than done. Sometimes they won’t let you ignore them and you have to fight back. I think I’m managing to tame our ghost pretty darn well for the time we have left here, though. Tom and I don’t think it’s an Indian like she suggested because as he says, this particular area wasn’t inhabited by them as much. Plus, in old times they didn’t have shovels, so they were buried in shallow graves. I still think it was someone murdered on this land about 50 years ago and who may very well be buried here (pretty deep) according to what my gut and visions have told me, and she admits this could be the case, too. Either way, ignorance may be bliss, but it doesn’t change the facts, so we may as well deal with whatever life throws our way. Sometimes we wish we could pay no attention to certain things which sometimes works, but not in all cases.

I still hope that just like it did with me, her life will improve dramatically with age. I think the main reason my life has improved so much is due to having Tom in my life, getting out of the city since I’m not a people person, and cutting off my family which had a very negative, depressing and stressful effect on me.

Her aunt cut her off for speaking out about the pervert (now her cousin’s sending her money, and hopefully she won’t dump Mary eventually as well), and although she says she’s heartbroken, she also says she’s a very forgiving person and that she’s not going to dump her family, though what I say about them is true. She says she’d rather not run away and be full of hate. She wants to show them she can still achieve things, though why she’d want to prove anything to them, beats me. Walking away from an abusive family isn’t “running away” or being hateful, I told her. You don’t have to hate someone just because you don’t want anything to do with them or because you feel they’re not a good influence in your life. If a woman leaves an abusive lover, she’s not running away. She’s doing what’s best for her. However, if there’s anything I hate most in life it’s others pressuring me or telling me to do this or do that, and so I’m not about to do it to her. It’s her family and her life, I told her, so I respect that and will support her even if I don’t think she’s making the right decisions. She’s young yet, so there’s no saying how she may feel come 10 years from now. Try to know when to follow your heart and when to follow your head, I told her. That’s all we can do anyway. Meanwhile, her aunt’s daughter is sending her money. I wonder if she’d still speak out if no one else would send her money. I think she would. I hope she would.

Me personally, I never cared to stick around to show my family I could achieve this or that because their opinions of me just didn’t matter in the end. In other words, I could care less if they think I’m smart, stupid, fat, ugly, pretty, crazy, etc. I’ve gone numb where they’re concerned. I don’t hate them, I don’t like them, I don’t love them. Nor do I care if they’re happy, sad, sick, healthy, rich or poor. It’s easy to say, “I’ll stick around, but I’m not going to take their shit,” like Mary said she said in regards to her family, yet it’s another to do so because they just keep dishing it out no matter how much we try to resist it, so for me, the only way to escape it was to cut them off. Some people just don’t change. Meanwhile, we do and we gotta move on.

She says she’s a happy person who doesn’t want any negativity in her life (how can you be a happy person in jail?) and I told her that I’m happy too, and nobody wants negativity in their lives. At least no normal people do, though certain people like Tammy and Paula get off on it and the sympathy it brings them. However, as I reminded her, sometimes negativity has a way of finding us. We all struggle through hard times. It’s how we handle it that counts.

I teased her about how forgiving she says she is and told her that’s ok, you do the forgiving and I’ll hold the grudges! Just like how she likes everybody while I hate ‘em all.

When I say I’m not a forgiving person, believe me, it takes a damn good reason for me not to forgive someone and then dump them. In other words, if she came to visit and accidentally dropped and broke something of mine, I’m not going to dump her for it nor would I put a spell on her, and I told her this.

That sucks that they get them all up at 5 AM to clean the dayroom. Now that’s sheer power and spite as if having to submit to authority and be locked up away from friends and family isn’t power and punishment enough. I’m going to be up at 3 AM when it’s 5 AM her time and I know my heart will be bleeding for her, the poor girl! I’ll also be more than grateful that I’m not there with her! Except for the food, it sounds like she was happier in Estrella if she had to be either there or where she is now. I’m just glad that if I had to be framed into a jail stint it wasn’t before I got so into this incense. That’d just be one more thing I’d miss!

Incense has become my passion. She likes it, too. I told her I’d either make her some myself or show her how to dip her own.

She was also glad to hear we’re selling things, but like I told her, we’re not exactly making a fortune and we haven’t managed to get bids on the incense yet.

She wanted me to tell her the most traumatic things that have happened to me because she’s getting ready to incorporate me into her book. That’s easy. Aside from when I lived with my mother and her shit, Valleyhead was definitely my worst childhood experience. It was actually the worst experience in my entire life as she read in my auto, with Brattleboro being runner-up to it. As an adult, my hardest times were when I lived in Deerfield, then moved to the CT projects, along with the black/Mex saga and the jail they got me tossed into.

She said it was too bad I couldn’t make it to Washington and that she mentally sent me a ruby, sapphire, and diamond bowl, saying the picture’s first prize as far as she’s concerned, though as I told her, I’m not missing anything by not going to Washington. Washington doesn’t appeal to me.

She thanked me for translating Maria’s letters.

I’m glad to finally know she did get the stories. I think I’ll finish my current story, College Romance, this month, then it’s off to the long-awaited Angel Eyes. The one she said she thinks she’ll like best. It’s going to be so much fun to write! A challenge as well cuz it’s going to be so weird. Be patient, though, I told her. It could be a year or two before it’s done.

Later…

Yes! A couple of pigs got shot down in Phoenix. Rumor has it they harassed the shit out of the individual that finally got fed up and shot them and I believe it. Totally. And if it’s true, then they deserve what they got and it’ll hopefully send a message to other pigs saying, see what can happen if you let the badge go to your head and you think you’re God and you push people around? I’d have shot them myself, to tell you the truth, if half the things they were said to have done were true. Sometimes you just gotta fight back to set people straight, and if anyone needs a lesson taught to them and an example set for them, it’s those within law enforcement. Meanwhile, I haven’t an ounce of sympathy for these pigs.

The rain has stopped and Monday still can’t come fast enough. Not just because of the movie, but because that’s the day I should get the blue fairy, and to my utter shock and delight, Haiku! Yes, bright and early this morning, Ricki emailed me saying she was in touch with UPS and that I should receive the doll within a few days, though I don’t have the tracking number so I don’t know what day for sure. Finally, after fighting for this doll for over a month! Though after Ricki had to run off to Chicago, then broke a hand, then UPS lost it, I won’t count on it. Maybe I’m still not meant to have this doll no matter what. I hope I am, though. Besides, her outer box will make another good moving box, as I feel the beginning of the end is finally nearing. Monday I’ll get this place surface cleaned and pack anything I don’t want seen or touched by any unruly kids that may traipse through here.

Speaking of kids, every time I read the horrors and pain of childbirth, I thank God he spared me that much (I’m referring to when Mary had her last kid in custody). Since it’s been 7 years since I’ve wanted a cigarette and 6 since I’ve wanted a kid, I’d say it’s going to stay this way. To each their own, but I’m not missing a thing. Not the nausea, not the weight gain, not the stretch marks, not the pain, not the postpartum depression, not the expense, not the tremendous responsibilities, not the noise, not the loss of freedom, none of it. Kids are cute little sweethearts, but definitely not for me. I like my children with 4 legs and fur. Especially after all I’ve been through. When you spend so many years with no control or freedom such as I have in one way or another, it makes you want to savor life and your freedom all the more. I have been a slave to enough people, systems and rules! See, we’re not moving just to get out of the payments, we want to have something that no one can take away from us.

Anyway, the more I read, the more I see just how amazing Mary’s strength and attitude are. I couldn’t have survived half the shit she’s gone through.

We got an updated scale that goes up to 3 pounds. I was shocked to find that 7 jail papers were 1.2 oz. I thought 10 sheets were an ounce, but if she’s been getting 10 sheets through with no problem, she should stick with that amount. My blue paper is lighter than my white paper as 4 sheets of blue weigh 0.7 and 4 of the white weigh 0.8. The envelope is 0.2 and 5 sheets of blue paper in an envelope is exactly an ounce.

I’m back up to 129 because I had 2000 calories yesterday. I also decided that an hour a day of working out really isn’t doing anything for me, so I’m going to cut it in half. It’s enough to keep me in shape and I think a half-hour a day of heart rate elevation is sufficient enough. As for the extra pounds, that’ll only be lost when I can muster up the strength and willpower to eat no more than 1200 for months at a time. Until then, I will remain heavy. I don’t want to worry about that right now, though, on top of everything else we have going on. I just want to get moved first! Plus, when you’re a happy person with a loving husband, versus a child with a mother who’s always taunting you about your weight, you don’t tend to be as desperate. Priorities tend to change with age, and I still don’t think I can lose more than a few pounds anyway. If I haven’t been able to do so in a couple of years now, why would I suddenly be able to do so again no matter where we lived, what was going on, and how faithfully I stuck to the diet?

THURSDAY, MARCH 4, 2004 Still no word from Ricki so I emailed her asking if she’d heard back from UPS yet. Tom says that because they’re a business and not an individual, there’s no need to worry about getting ripped off. I just want our money back! It’s obvious I got all excited for nothing and that I’m not getting the doll, so I just want a refund.

Meanwhile, I’m going to try to win the Kate Jackson doll. The auction ends tomorrow at 9 AM which is good because then most of the people should be at work, allowing Tom or I to beat the other 5 bidders at the last minute.

The fairy hasn’t come yet because the seller didn’t ship her till Saturday. I’ll probably get her tomorrow.

I predicted that his game would sell to the Midwest at the last minute, and sure enough, it got bid on at the last minute to someone in Indiana.

We finally received a cashier’s check from the Valentine doll winner.

I also predicted the laptop would sell for between $75-$83. I was a few dollars off. It sold for $71 to someone in Florida.

It’s nice that we’re selling things, but most of it’s been selling for just a buck, and the incense and plates don’t have bids yet. I’m hoping they will by the weekend. Most people wait till it gets close to the end to place bids.

We still haven’t heard back regarding the form. This is just like the last time we moved where we were hanging in limbo just waiting, then when things finally did start happening, they happened lightning fast. I’m sure once the ball gets rolling here, it’ll be the same way. I’d like to think that God will look out for us along the way, but I don’t know if I can count on that. Look at all the people out there whose lives are in shambles or who are dead. Who looked out for them?

Tom says they’re really close to passing an amendment allowing gays in any state to marry. It’s about time. They’ve spent so much time handing out rights to certain groups of people that they forget others need their rights, too.

MONDAY, MARCH 1, 2004 I didn’t get a FedEx tracking number from Bob, so who knows for sure if my order went out today? Maybe he is holding it till he gets the grape oil to add to it.

True to vinyl nature, Dalene got here without a fight. She’s as nice and as realistic as the others. She has white nail polish instead of red and maroon like the others and wears short jeans and a skimpy halter, and she holds an American flag that matches the red/white stripes and white stars and blue background of her halter. Her heels aren’t spiked either, like the others. She’s a blue-eyed blond with shoulder-length hair. Not my type, but nice for a doll. This one’s got the nicest smile while Victoria has the nicest eyes. Karen’s face is okay, except for her nose.

Amazingly, I finally heard from Ricki who apologized for not seeing my message sooner. She said she rarely checks her messages while she’s working. She also said she’d get on UPS and let me know what they say. Tom left a message this morning, but her answering machine was screwed up.

If I don’t get the blue fairy tomorrow, Tom will play the package chase game with the seller because I’m just too sick of it myself. She’s not porcelain, though, so I don’t think there’ll be a problem.

If we don’t get the check for Valentine in a day or two, Tom will give the bitch negative feedback, though he just may do that anyway, and give it to the runner-up, assuming they’ll pay for it.

Everything that sold last night is gone except for the hat. That winner has yet to pay.

I decided to try listing a group of 4 puzzles tomorrow. If they sell, I’ll list more groups.

There’s more good Kate news. Even better than the pending release of season two, in a sense. Next Monday there’ll be a movie about their lives during the first season. I never heard of the actresses that are going to portray them (the original cast). It’s unauthorized, though, which means they can make up stuff as they go and some of it may be bullshit. I totally believe the rumors about Kate being a feisty bitch, though. I can get a good sense of people’s true nature in their acting, and her aggressiveness comes out in her acting. I never could be her girlfriend. Too much alike. Opposites really do attract, if you ask me, and I think the reason so many relationships fail isn’t just because people, in general, are assholes; they’re going for duplicates. You don’t want to be complete opposites, but being more opposite than duplicate seems to balance out better. Although I know I’m not perfect, I’m content with who and what I am, though I’d never want another me! Anyway, I believe Cheryl when she said she was intimidated by her and that she was a bully. It’s a lesbian thing, too. A lot of us can be as aggressive as most cocks are. Anyway, I’m looking way forward to the movie, even if it won’t be the greatest quality what with it coming over the air and not the satellite. Still, Monday can’t get here fast enough!

How I’d love to read anything Mary’s written to others pertaining to me. It oughta be fun and rather interesting to see if she’s saying things about me to others that she hasn’t to me directly. I’m not one to fret over what others think in the way that most people are, but I do get curious. For one, if Tom and I were suddenly the only people on the planet, I’d love to go to the homes of people I’ve known to see what they have.

Little Guy has figured out that the others aren’t going to hurt him. He even plays with them now, though Little Fella’s so weak that he can barely move. I was going to keep the spell going, but what good is keeping a pet alive that can’t do anything but lay there? I’m going to just let nature do its thing, for his sake, even if that means having to let him go.

Little Guy and Baldilocks love to run around loose, not surprisingly. I dig how Little Guy jumps up to the roof of the cage when I walk by for me to open it and pick him up. He’s definitely one of the fastest ones we’ve had. As much as I’d like him to get really big, a part of me wishes he’d stay the cute little baby he is.

I woke up to pee and was just falling back asleep when I felt the vibrations of them flying, so I’m sure I won’t sleep well tomorrow or the next day.

We’re just about finished with the bath and retreat. All that really needs to be done is just a few touch-ups in the retreat and office. If I didn’t hate freeloaders before, I do now, because pulling the tape off the bathroom was a bitch! Especially from the cabinets. All it did was rip along the way.

From what I’m learning, it seems that if I was any religion at all, I’d be Wiccan. Just like me, they like nature and animals better than people, and they practice witchcraft. Predicting the flat tire is being psychic, but what I’m going to do to this house the night before we leave will certainly be pure witchcraft. I figured that even though we’re ready to go and give up the house payments, why should whoever buys this place get to live it up in my house? The house that I put so much into. I don’t know what the ghost is going to do, but I know that I’m going to put a curse on it that’ll make its future occupants quite miserable indeed.

Anyway, you really have to be one with nature to live here and definitely to live where we’re moving. We can’t afford anything but dirt-cheap land which means it’s going to be practically on another planet. That’ll be just fine with me! When I want to open a window, I don’t want to hear people screaming outside. I want to hear trees rustling in the breeze, birds chirping, things like that.

If Bob and Jeff can read and not foul up my order, the black magic’s going to aid in the cursing ritual, and the majmua or patchouli will aid in the ritual I’ll perform as soon as we get moved to hopefully keep evil away. I don’t like to write too much of what I or. Or how I do it, I should say.

I meant it when I said that every time I can think of a reason to not like God, I can think of reasons I do like him, for he has blessed me with an ability that is not only very special and unique, but that helps compensate for some of the loss of control I’ve had when others have wronged me. It gives me a sense of power that I’ve never had before. It doesn’t mean I want to dominate and dictate the lives of others to the extent that so many do, it just means it’s better than being totally defenseless. To be able to say, “Ok, so I can’t fight back against this one who screwed me over because of this reason or that reason, I can at least make them so sick or so depressed they’ll wish they were dead,” is something that’s better than nothing.

I didn’t mean to make this entry so long. When you type nearly as fast as you talk or think, you tend to ramble on at times. I guess I’ll go work on my story while I have nothing else to do and he’s in bed.

t a tracking number from Bob. The order was shipped yesterday and is set to arrive Thursday. Since I’ll be asleep when it does, and since they’ve fouled up half of the 4 orders I’ve made so far, I left a list of the 23 fragrances for Tom so he can email them if they foul this one up.

I haven’t heard from the prison Bob since before Christmas if I’m remembering correctly. I don’t know if he’s holed up in the hospital somewhere or what, so I’ll send out a letter tomorrow.

I decided to drop Memolink altogether. I just don’t trust them. I only need about 700 points with Lucky Points which Tom and I just signed up for to get something (I think it’s a $5 Burger King certificate). When I can, I’ll order it to see if they can be trusted. This just may be the best points site yet because their site of the day is 15 points which is pretty high, and then there’s the daily trivia question for 10 points, so you can make 100 points in just 4 days without signing up for any of their offers or buying anything through them.

I never heard back from Ricki, but now we know she didn’t lie about when she shipped it. Tom now thinks that it’s sitting close to the point of origin in North Carolina with a damaged label and that they’re waiting for someone to call and inquire about it so they can know what to do with it. Either way I really, really feel like I’m not meant to have this doll, and if that’s the case I just want the money back! I’m so sick of this shit, and I swear I’ll never get another porcelain doll again that isn’t from Ashton-Drake.

As long as the vinyl dolls don’t end up with the same delivery curse as the porcelains (I’m still waiting on the blue fairy), I just may get a Kate doll after all, but not the one I had as a kid. I didn’t know this till tonight, but there are two of them. One’s from ’77 which is the one I had, and one’s from ’78. I was never impressed with the ’77 doll because it just didn’t look like her. The ’78 one, though, is pretty close and it’s got a nicer outfit, too.

Well, somebody fucked up somewhere once again, because the fruit incense I ordered doesn’t smell like the fruit I usually get, though it’s ok. Can’t blame this one on Bob, though, as he doesn’t make the oils. He has his own supplier for that. Except for the sticks and cones he dips, he basically gets supplies to sell.

[tiredelirium]

D.1

Sometimes I want to write about how I feel.

Sometimes I want others to read it.

But most of the time I don’t actually know if I even want anything at all.

I wonder if people I know talk about me when they’re bored or even just making conversation. If they’re mean about me. If they’re curious about me.

I’ve never been very good at interacting with others in the long term. Currently relationships don’t exist for me really. There’ve been times I’ve tried with friendships and partners, but it never seems honest or real.

One sided might seem too harsh.

I know others have tried to reach out, but I’m bad at accepting that hand.

Even now, its 2 AM on a Wednesday, oh though I guess that makes it Thursday now, and here I am writing thoughts out loud on a Tumblr as if i’m making any sense.

To anyone reading this, don’t start to get the wrong idea about what i’m doing with this. (You know who you are and how you think.) I’m just airing out the hollows of my mind and heart.

People (hopefully plural) talk to themselves all the time, in different ways. Maybe their mind races a mile a minute and the only way they can think clearly is to speak out loud. Maybe they speak so that they can better visualise their thoughts as they do so. Maybe its easier to find answers if you speak out loud.

So thats what this is.

Me speaking out loud.

I don’t have anything going for me, that’s the truth from my own perspective.

Self doubt. Body dysmorphia. Introversion. Disappointment. Sadness. Regret. It’s all there, buried beneath a smile i maintain for my parents, sisters, nieces and nephews. Something I’d never show them because it would worry them.

Its funny, I only really started to notice the fake smile I put on for others when I started work, which I was late to getting too. Most everyone would call that a fortune, not having to work for so long, but it stunted me I think. I mean, my lack of personal skills is clear as day to me anyway, though that could be the self doubt talking. Silences in communication drag on for so long. Others try to fill the void but all I can offer is an affirmation, a made up lie, or a smile that feels so fraudulent I want to down an entire beer just to see if that brings up something real. Inhibitions gone.

I don’t want to disappoint others, but trying feels false. And that leads to not trying at all. Which leads to relationships collapse, or a drift apart so long that no amount of bravery could see me reaching out to close that gap.

Around mid college, a foundation year, I started going out with a girl in my class. We were kinda forced together by other classmates we were close to, but it wouldn’t be a lie to say I liked her and I considered her a friend I got to know over a handful of months. We were into a lot of the same stuff, some bands, some games, some art. It made sense to try going out, but the first move was made when we were drunk. A kiss on a couch in a bar at 2AM with our friends watching us from around the corner.

Then university came. We went to different places, having already made decisions and had interviews long before we started dating. She asked me if I wanted us to keep dating, and I agreed. I liked her. It made sense, despite the distance between the places we’d go. And it was far.

University had its ups and downs, though I had far more downs. The course I chose was mostly because I had no interest in anything else and was uncertain. Art is subjective, it always will be, even if you produce something thats sympathetic to the masses doesn’t mean it’ll sell well or earn a living. My girlfriend was brilliant at art, and knew what she wanted to make. I was below average at best and though I had ideas nothing ever came out the way I intended it too.

Distance was hard. But it worked for us. We made time for eachother, perhaps too much time honestly. I don’t really know if she made any long lasting friends in her class outside of her flatmates. I know I didn’t, but thats a me condition I think. We visited each other during breaks, whether it was meeting up halfway or one of us visiting the other, it was always great to see her.

But.

I messed up.

After university, I struggled a lot with direction. My final grade was nowhere near good enough to guarantee any kind of role anywhere significant if I’d made connections. At the end of the day my lack of efforts weren’t even good enough to matter and I spent the majority of my second and third year playing catchup. I technically failed that course. Because of a single essay marked by someone who failed me by a single point and cost my entire second year grade. An essay i’d been told by the tutor who helped me write up and review it had said wouldn’t affect any final grade. I spent the first half of my third year making up that mistake with extra work and my third year work suffered for it.

I came home. So did she. And I spent some time looking for work. I applied for art-related jobs in our area at first. Screen printing, editing. But never got any responses back, because of how these processes go now and because they were scarce to begin with. I didn’t, and still don’t, believe I had the talent to be freelance in any way. It was disheartening and so I started to, little by little, reduce those aspirations.

She got a job within two months. A retail gig, but in a store she’d have a lot of knowledge on the products for. She could start saving. Meanwhile I was burning through the money I had left from university. By going so far away from home, my living grants were larger, and my third year place bad been significantly cheaper rent wise than my second year one, so I had about £500. After a year and a half that money was basically all gone. Spent on split-payment dates with my girlfriend, birthday presents for family, and stuff I just wanted.

And still I had no luck on job searching, to the point she didn’t believe I was looking. I sent out applications every week to different places. Got a video interview, a civil exam, and a slew of “we’re looking for other people” rejection emails.

I started giving up. I saw myself as a burden to this woman who could go and Do Things with the talent and work ethic she had.

Thats when I messed up.

My biggest regret, after five years together, I decided I needed to break up with her.

For weeks we’d started drifting apart, my own self doubt and inability to communicate properly at the fore. I messaged back less and less, and we’d arrange to meet up less. At first this was because I had no money left I could spend, but thats just an excuse. I loved her and I hurt her.

We broke up after she’d just got off work. I’d said we needed to talk and she’d intuited. She’d already mentioned a break up possibility not too long ago. But that might’ve been my mind making up another excuse. She asked me to bring some of her stuff from my parent’s place and I did.

We were in public, after I met her outside her work and we walked for a bit to a spot nearby. I wonder if passersby were curious what was going on when we sat down on a bench rarely used.

I lied.

I said I’d fallen out of love with her. Used little things from our past as fake reasons. Her lack of trust in me and any intentions toward other girls, because I was a guy from her point of view though that may have been grounded in something else. Her use of recreational drugs in the past multiple times without telling me, because i’d told her I wasn’t a fan of it.

I lied.

I still loved her.

But I couldn’t find work. And she wanted to move out of her parents place as soon as possible, and moving into my parents place wasn’t an option for her, and getting a place of our own wasn’t feasible without savings of any kind. I was an anchor who wanted to break the chain so the ship could go free.

Excuses.

I broke up with her and she got up and left with her things. I stayed for a second before standing up myself to leave. But then she came back, hugged me one last time. It was painfully tight. I didn’t cry, or protest. Because that would’ve given my lies away. I just accepted and reciprocated, and then she was gone.

I don’t doubt she cried on the way home and maybe through the night. Maybe she was mean about me. Maybe she was curious. Maybe she didn’t care at all.

I didn’t cry when we broke up, because I was in the wrong. She messaged me, maybe a few days after, asking if she was still allowed to talk to me. I couldn’t respond. Didn’t know how. Didn’t want to keep hurting her.

I cried later, when she thought I hated her.

Feelings are complicated and painful, and I hope if you read this up to now, yours aren’t too hard to bear. I know it hurts. My heart still aches in the quiet of every night. I hope you can find comfort in the words that you’ll be alright.

And I’m sorry.

[drea-exclusives]

Week 2 — CNY Incoming 🍊🧧

So, it is only after yapping on and on about everything that went down in week 1 that I came to know that we don't actually have to write about what happened in our week for these entries. But since I've already jotted down about the events that took place over the past 2 weeks, I figured I'll include it for this entry anyway. Perhaps after this I'll write about both my weekly experiences as well as the thoughts in my head for my entries, it's quite fun albeit a little time consuming.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

If I were to have searched the readings for my zodiac sign this week, I have a pretty good feeling it would've said that I would be unlucky on Monday. By that I mean the 10 minute intervals I encountered while waiting for the MRT. And it didn't just happen once, but twice! Both the Putrajaya and Kajang train doors closed just before I could enter, leaving me 15 minutes late for class. Though this is a usual occurrence, I think I definitely need to start leaving my house earlier this year. The lecture was rather boring so I honestly didn't mind being a tad bit late, it was just English after all. The more memorable parts of this day I would say were the clear blue skies and fluffy clouds; I remember staring out the train windows with soft music playing from my earbuds adoring the scenery. Despite my love-hate relationship with the MRT, this visual experience is definitely something that makes my commutes worthwhile.

Tuesday was another driving day. This time I came to uni earlier and found parking easily without humiliating myself! I was pretty stoked by then as I had an hour or so to eat my lunch while watching my K-drama. I've been watching a new horror/thriller drama lately called "Gyeongseong Creature", which is frankly quite a shocker since I'm probably the biggest scaredy-cat amongst the people I know and would probably cry if you forced me to watch a horror movie. But since I had seen a few snippets and knew the rough plot of the show, I figured to give it a go as it looked intriguing (and it surely has been so far).

I also received a few positive feedbacks for my short story as we had to critique each others' works during class. This was quite a shocker as I had mentioned in my previous post about how I struggled to write that story and was a bit disappointed with the outcome post-writing. I feel like this was one of those times when I realise how critical I am of myself and how low my self-esteem truly is, and only through receiving praise and academic validation that I allow myself to feel deserving in life. Although this was just a small example, but moments like these make me reflect a lot, and was for sure a booster for my self-esteem telling me I'm more than the thoughts in my head.

I drove home that day, euphoric and with music blasting while I sped through the empty highways. I will say though, this good day was interrupted by unbearable heat in the evening. It was the type of heat and humidity that made you say "CNY is coming", as this incredibly hot weather was typically seen every CNY season.

Wednesday was a free day! We didn't have class since Ms Ashley was able to finish the lecture on Tuesday (thank you Ms Ashley for letting us sleep in 🫶). It was also the last day of January, which was a little weird as for the first time in a long while, a month actually felt like it lasted for the proper duration of a month.

I collected my laptop from the ASUS repair centre in Lowyat Mall today. Long story short, these 2 weeks going back and forth to the repair centre was a tedious process that had my parents saying to "not buy from ASUS after this". I was glad to have my laptop back without the fan inside revving like an engine; it really was quite hilarious yet absolutely terrifying when I had to bring my laptop to class last semester as I had no idea when it would start sounding like a motorboat.

The day ended with me (finally) starting to set up my Tumblr account and decorating it. The process of searching for layouts made me so reminiscent of the time I was on BTS stan Twitter. Scrolling on Pinterest for hours on end to find a header that matched the aesthetic of my profile picture, designing my account layout, and so on. I miss that era a lot, with all the online friends I met and experiences I gained so I'm glad I was able to do something like that again for this account in the efforts to make it a place I enjoy coming to.

(headers I saved while trying to design my layout)

I don't know why, but Thursday schedules are always the worst. It is yet another semester where I have morning to evening classes on Thursdays, but since my classes don't start at 8 am, I won't complain. To make matters worst, it was from this day that I started attempting to save my data and use the uni wifi as I was running really low on data (note to future self: please look into other data plans.)

Our first broadcasting class was today, and at the end of the class our task was to come up with a script on a given topic and record a video roleplaying a news anchor. Although my group had chosen another group member to be the news anchor, the role was handed over to me at the last minute. I found it kind of ironic that the person in the group who was the least likely to major in broadcasting ended up roleplaying as the news anchor, but it was kind of fun nevertheless if we ignore my anxiety levels spiking because of this sudden change.

Friday had finally come, and this was the last day of us meeting all our lecturers in-person. I was 5 minutes early for class which is a rare occurrence for someone with time management issues, but it actually felt nice not having to rush my way to class so hopefully this is something I can keep up next week. Having officially met all the lecturers for my courses this semester, I feel a little more at ease as the classes seem promising. I do hope this is the case for the rest of the semester since it is a rather long one.

After class ended, I headed to Tropicana Gardens mall just to look around, have dinner, and hopefully get some work done, since it was a Friday evening after all. I spotted a new cafe and decided that this was where I was going to settle my dinner and enjoy the rest of my K-drama. As a pasta girlie, of course I ordered the pesto pasta and it definitely did not disappoint. Would've definitely ordered a coffee if I hadn't already had one earlier in the day, so next time it is!

Saturday was another shopping day, with my parents this time. I had initially wanted to do my shopping after class on Friday, but seeming that my parents needed to shop for CNY too, hence we all went this day. To say that the mall was crowded would be an understatement, evidently since it was the weekend before CNY itself.

After browsing many clothing stores for hours on end, I only ended up getting a blouse, but the backstory for this blouse made it worthwhile. The store I had gotten it from was more of a boutique, with its prices ranging from RM100 to over RM300. I went in with no intention other than window shopping as it was way out of my budget, until I stumbled upon this blouse in the discounted section, originally priced at RM129 but currently sold at RM39. Even though this blouse (which was more of a fancy T-shirt honestly) was definitely overpriced, but it was still a steal after being discounted.

The funnier highlight of this day was noticing all the tired boyfriends in the mall, standing outside the stores with bags of clothes in their hands, tired and scrolling on their phones while they wait for their girlfriends to shop. There must've been a couple of them in every 1-2 meters from me as everywhere I turned, they were there undoubtedly. I found this quite amusing as someone who was single, and it was also a moment of gratitude for being single as I had the joy of spending time on my own without limitations and troubling others.

By the time Sunday came I was exhausted and aching all over from going out the past few days. Hence, it was a day to relax and take it easy. The only major event was following my parents to the market after lunch to buy some mandarin oranges! Once again, the weather was just ridiculously hot and having to walk under the sun carrying bags of fruits and cooking ingredients made me realise how much our parents do for us, especially in terms of food as food is such a significant part of Chinese culture. I'm grateful for the hard work my parents put in to always make sure there is more than enough food on the dinner table, and of course the daily cut-up fruit that is a symbol of their love.

Week in Summary

This week made me think and reflect quite a lot, particularly regarding my self-esteem and just how I feel about myself in general. I long for the day when I'm older and wiser and have more experience in life that I realise that I should've been kinder to myself. I say this because sometimes it's difficult to comprehend in the present; it is over time as you change that you figure out these things along the way and are able to look back and see how far you've come. But for now, I simply wish to have more faith in myself and to trust the process as it will lead me to where I need to be.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.��゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

Song of the Week! This week's song is another one that's been a favourite for awhile. Although the title may raise eyebrows at first glance, but the lyrics are really sweet once you've understood the meaning of the song. I listened to this song many times this week as I admired the bright blue skies; the soft, calming melody were extremely fitting along with parts of the lyrics incorporating different colours which reflected how I felt about life at the moment. Despite not having a lover to daydream about with these romantic lyrics, the melody itself feels really grounding and peaceful.

[slowtravelingcat]

The Incident

Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

Part 1

CAL - The week started out completely normal, but then today, everything changed. 

When we woke up this morning, I had an inkling that we would be leaving town soon, however, Michele went right to work as usual. I watched suspiciously from underneath the couch for hours. Eventually, I let my guard down and settled in for a mid-morning nap. 

Suddenly, out of nowhere, I was swiped off of the couch and into my carrier. And, before I knew it, I was released into the car for the 7th time this year. 

At this point, I know what to expect, so without much fuss, I curl up on the floorboard and go back to sleep. This is when the first curveball came. 

After only a few minutes, I am zipped back into my container and carried into a building with Other People. Oh no, I had no idea that I was going to have to deal with Other People today. This is terrible news. 

But, as the cruel world continuously proves, things can always get worse. 

Next, I am placed on a tall table and unceremoniously poked and prodded by the Other People. Right when I thought it was almost over, I was suddenly stuck with a long needle in my hind leg. I complained as loud as I possibly could. Luckily my complaint was promptly acknowledged and they removed the needle just as fast as it was inserted. 

Soon thereafter I am zipped up again and listen carefully as Michele pays way too much for the services rendered. 

MICHELE - This morning was tough. I took my best friend to the vet. I know it was stressful on him, but maybe if I pretend like nothing happened, he’ll forget about the whole thing.  

Part 2

CAL - After the terrible encounter with Other People that happened earlier today, Michele continued on our road trip as though nothing had happened. At first, I just followed along, maybe nothing did happen. After all, I’m just a cat, what do I know? 

But the more I thought about it, the more I started to feel something. It was a mix of anxiety and sadness. The feeling crept over me slowly. Initially, I wasn’t sure what was happening, but then I started to realize it. This is what anger feels like.

As I moved into a deep state of incessant stewing, something else new started to happen. It was rumbling, deep within my bowels. Uh oh.  

In a state of utter and complete psychological and physiological disruption, I found the answer to both problems in one elegantly crafted solution. 

I crawled into my litter box and pooped as much as I possibly could. The large bald one cheered me on from the sidelines, but she did not know what was in store. 

Next, I did something unimaginable. I did not bury the poop as expected. Instead, I gingerly dipped my forehead in it, thus achieving the perfect dollop right in between in my eyes. I meowed loudly just before a carefully planned head butt directed at the large bald one. 

It was only when I saw her consistently calm demeanor break into a state of total fear that I smiled for the first time all day.

MICHELE - Well, my plan to placate Cal by pretending like the vet appointment never happened backfired big time. Last time I ever try to gaslight a cat. 

[waitimcomingtoo]

Where My Feet Take Me

Pairing: Tom Holland x reader

Synopsis: the boys chase a drunk Tom down the street and he tries to make things right with you

Masterlist

“Hello?” Tom called out as he walked into the house. “I’m home.”

“Tom?” You froze in your tracks as a chill went down your spine. He came into your shared bedroom with an unsuspecting smile on his face, making your hands clench around the box in your hands.

“Hi darling.” He greeted you as he set his suitcase on the ground.

“What are you doing here?” You asked softly.

“I live here.” He teased before his eyes fell on the box in your hands. His face crumpled as he read “picture frames” written on the side in your handwriting.

“What are you doing?” He asked weakly, eyes never leaving the box.

“You said you were coming home tomorrow.” You reminded him.

“My flight was changed.” He told you. “What are you doing?”

“I’m sorry.” You whispered. “You weren’t supposed to be home.”

“What are you doing?” He repeated, firmly this time. You looked down at the box, unable to look him in the eyes as he slowly figured out what was happening.

“I’m leaving.” You mumbled without lifting your head. Tom slowly looked around the room, finally seeing how empty it was without your belongings. He looked at you in confusion and you nearly broke down.

“You.” You continued. “I’m leaving you.”

“What?” His asked, voice cracking. “Why?”

“You’re never here.” You told him with a shaking voice. “I’m on my own more than I’m with you. And when you’re gone, you don’t call. You don’t call or text or really give me any sort of indication that you remember me. I can’t do this anymore, Tom. I’m done.”

“But...what?” He rubbed his face as he tried to process what you were saying.

“I’m not happy, Tom.” You said weakly. “You’re a perfect boyfriend when you’re home but the second you leave for work, it’s like I don’t exist.”

“That’s not true.” He protested.

“Its not?” You laughed sadly. “We hardly ever speak. Look at your phone. When was the last time you texted me?”

Tom took out his phone, sure that you were wrong. He looked at his messages and sure enough, you were right.

“Wednesday.” He answered sheepishly.

“Yeah.” You nodded. “It’s Monday.”

“You’re leaving me because I haven’t texted you in a few days?” He asked.

“It’s not just that.” You whined and walked past him. He ran after you and stood in front of you.

“Then what is it?” He asked as he blocked your path.

“I shouldn’t have to explain it to you. You should know.” You said and tried to move past him.

“But I don’t. Please, baby. I don’t understand.”

You stopped trying to get past him and looked into his glassy eyes. It took everything in you not to unpack the box and stay with him. As much as you wanted to stay, you knew you had to leave.

“Thomas.” You sighed. “I wake up every morning and I have no idea if you love me or not. I can’t keep waiting for you to let me be a part of your life. I have to go.”

You walked past him and went out the front door with him following behind you.

“Please.” He begged. “Don’t leave. I can change.”

“I’ve heard that before.” You said as you walked faster to your car. You tried to open your car door but he put his hand on it to keep it closed.

“It will be different this time.” He assured you. “I promise.”

You looked at all your belongings in the backseat of your car for a minute before looking back at him. He was silently begging you to stay as tears slipped from his eyes.

“I just can’t believe you.” You shook your head. “I’m sorry.”

You walked around the car and got in the front seat but he caught the door before you could shut it.

“But, darling.” He cried. “I love you.”

“And I love you.” You told him. His eyes lit up as he hoped that meant you were changing your mind.

“It’s just not enough.” You continued. His hand slipped off the door in shock, and you were able to shut it. He watched you pull away as tears fell from his eyes, and that’s when he knew he had lost.

2 months later

The boys were sitting around in Harrison’s living room, all mindlessly scrolling through their phones. Tom noticed Harrison’s smile suddenly, then look at Harry and Sam. They shook their heads at him and Harrison quickly put his phone down.

“What?” Tom asked when he noticed the strange interaction. The boys exchanged a look, and silently decided not to lie to him.

“Y/n just congratulated me The Irregulars.” Harrison explained. Tom stiffened when he heard your name and looked to the other boys.

“Yeah.” Harry nodded slowly. “She texted me too. She liked my cameo in Cherry.”

“I wonder how she’s been.” Sam said, earning a glare from Harrison and Harry. Tom let out a defeated sigh and rubbed his face, also wondering how you had been. He couldn’t find the words to say, so he just hung his head in shame.

“Sorry, mate.” Harrison apologized. “I didn’t mean to bring it up.”

“It’s fine.” Tom shrugged as he got up. He grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and sipped it while looking out the window.

“I talked to my friend from work. Remember I told you about Holly?” Sam changed the subject. “She said she’d go out with you tonight if you want.”

“Sure.” Tom replied, hardly listening.

“Give her a chance mate.” Sam suggested. “You might like her.”

“Yeah.” Harry agreed. “Especially since Y/n-“

Harry was cut off with a harsh series of hushes from the other boys. Tom returned his attention to them, knowing they were trying to keep something from him.

“What about Y/n?” He asked.

“Nothing.” Harrison said as he glared at Sam.

“Harry.” Tom singled him out. Harry looked at him apologetically and sighed.

“I heard shes seeing someone.” He admitted. Tom stumbled backwards a little as the wind was knocked out of him. He sat back down in the living room and stared at the wall.

“Dude.” Sam hit his arm.

“He asked.” Harry defended himself. “And he was gonna find out eventually.”

“Tom, you okay?” Harrison asked.

“I’m fine.” Tom replied as he wiped his eyes. “When does that Hazel want to meet?”

“It’s Holly.” Sam corrected. “And she said anytime.”

“All right.” Tom downed the rest of his beer and stood up. “I’m ready. Text me the address.”

“Don’t you want to get dressed?” Harrison asked kindly, noticing Tom’s week old pajamas.

“I am dressed.” Tom gestured to himself.

“When was the last time you showered?” Harry wondered.

“Or shaved?” Sam added.

“Wednesday.” Tom shrugged.

“Mate.” Harrison sighed. “It’s Monday.”

“Well if she doesn’t like me for me, she’s more the one.” Tom gave them a tipsy smile and opened the front door.

“Okay.” Sam said wearily. “Have fun.”

Less than two hours later, Tom stumbled back through the front door and flopped onto the couch.

“Hey, man.” Sam greeted when he heard Tom come in. “How’d it go?”

“Horrible.” Tom mumbled. “She ordered Y/n’s favorite drink and it was downhill from there.”

“Tom.” Sam sighed and rubbed his brothers back.

“Sam.” Tom whined. “I don’t need you to play matchmaker for me. I don’t want anyone else. I want Y/n. I miss her.”

“I’m sorry, mate.” He said. “But it’s over with Y/n. You have to move on.””

“I can’t move on.” Tom teared up again. “I love her.”

“I know you do.” Sam nodded. “But you can love her from a distance.”

“No.” Tom decided as he struggled it stand up. “I have to go to her house. I can talk some sense into her.”

Harry walked into the room right as Sam was trying to reign Tom in.

“What’s he doing?” Harry asked as he helped keep Tom in place.

“He’s drunk.” Sam explained. “And he’s trying to go to Y/n’s house.”

“I have to see her.” Tom slurred and went for the door.

“Woah woah woah.” Harry held him back. “I’m not so sure that’s a good idea.”

“She’ll listen to me.” Tom declared. “She’ll listen this time. I know she will.”

“I think you should lie down and get some sleep.” Sam suggested.

“No.” Tom broke free from their grasp. “I’m going to her flat.”

“You can’t drive. You’re drunk.” Harry reminded him.

“I’ll walk.” Tom said as he went out the front door.

“Oh no.” Sam groaned. “Grab him.”

Harry and Sam chased Tom down the hall right as Harrison was coming up the elevator.

“Woah. Where’s he going?” He asked.

“To Y/n’s house.” Harry quickly explained as Tom ran out the front door of the apartment building. “Oh no. He got away!”

The boys quickly ran out of the apartment and searched the street for where Tom had gone.

“Tom!” Harrison called. “Where did you go?”

“Oh God.” Sam spotted him in the distance. “He’s running down the street.”

“Come on.” Harry sighed. “We have to get him.”

The boys chased Tom down the street, but never caught up to them. Even while drunk, he was faster than them. Tom found your apartment building and easily made it past the doorman. The boys finally caught up to him in the hallway by your door.

“Tom.” Harry tugged his arm towards the elevator. “We have to go home.”

“No.” Tom fought back. “I have to see her. I have to get her back.”

“You can’t just show up there.” Harrison protested. “She won’t open the door.”

“I have to talk to her.” Tom slurred. “I have to try.”

“Just let him go.” Sam sighed. “We’re not gonna be able to stop him.”

Harry reluctantly let go of Tom’s arm and let him go to your door.

“Y/n!” Tom called as he knocked on your door. “Open the door please. It’s Thomas.”

“Come on. You saw her door. Let’s go home.” Harry tried to tug him again.

“Y/n!” He ignored Harry and called again.

“She’s not home, mate.” Sam shrugged. “Let’s go.”

“No. I have to see her.” He cried and knocked again. “Y/n. It’s Tommy. Open the door please.”

Suddenly, you opened your front door to see the boys with their arms around Tom, attempting to pull him away.

“Tom?” You asked when your eyes fell on him. Tom’s face softened and for a minute, he was stone cold sober. You couldn’t help but smile a little at him after not seeing him for months.

“We’re sorry.” Harrison apologized. “We couldn’t stop him.”

“Hi darling.” Tom said weakly.

“Hi.” You chuckled a little at the sight in front of you. “Is he drunk?”

“Out of his mind.” Sam confirmed.

“I’m so sorry for everything.” Tom told you. “I’m sorry I drove you to leave.”

“Tommy.” You said softly, finally seeing how broken he was without you. Your heart physically hurt from how badly you missed him.

“Please take me back.” He begged. “I miss you so much. I just want...”

Before he could finish his sentence, he passed out on the floor with a hard thud.

“Oh my God.” You gasped as stated at his limp body. “Is he okay?”

“I’m sorry.” Harrison grabbed his leg and began to tug it. “We’ll take him home.”

“Wait. It’s okay.” You stopped him. “I’ll take care of him.”

“Are you sure?” Sam asked.

“Yeah. I dated him for three years. I know how to take care of him.” You smiled softly.

“All right.” Harrison nodded. “It’s good to see you.”

“You too. I miss you guys.” You said as you pulled them into a group hug.

“We miss you.” Harry said as he patted your back. “Just keep an eye on him, okay? He does this a lot. It’s the first time he’s been able to slip through our fingers.”

“I’ll look after him.” You assured them. “And I’ll see you all soon.”

“See you.” Harrison called as they walked towards your elevator. With the boys gone, you turned your full attention to Tom.

“Come on.” You shook him gently. “It’s time to get up.”

“Y/n?” Tom asked in a daze as he slowly woke up.

“Yeah, it’s me.” You chuckled as you tried to lift him. “God, you’re heavy. Woah, and stinky.”

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled from the ground.

“I know. Stand up.” You commanded, and this time he listened. He slowly stood up and swayed a little on his feet.

“We’re going inside, okay?” You said as you wrapped his arm around your shoulder. “Lean on me.”

You helped Tom into your apartment as he hung on your side like dead weight. His head was buried in your hair as you slowly helped him inside.

“You smell good.” He slurred in your ear.

“I wish I could say the same for you.” You teased as you held your breath. You carefully brought him to your couch and began to set him down.

“All right. Easy does it.” You said as you took his arm off of you and let him sit. Tom slumped on your couch like a rag doll and ran his fingers over the material.

“This is your couch?” He asked sleepily.

“Yeah.” You told him. “The previous owner left it.”

Tom winced a little as he remembered that you no longer lived with him and now had a place of your own.

“It’s nice.” He smiled weakly. “We used to have a couch together.”

“Yeah. We used to have a lot together.” You said softly as you sat next to him on the couch. Even though he was drunk, you could see the remorse in Tom’s eyes. He rubbed your couch with his hand and pouted.

“I miss that.” He mumbled. “I miss you.”

“I know, bear.” You modded. “Me too.”

“It’s been so long since you called me that.” He smiled a little when he heard his old nickname from your lips.

“I know.” You chuckled. “We haven’t talked in a while.”

“It’s my fault.” His smile fell. “I fucked everything up.”

“Yeah.” You said quietly. “You did.”

“I’m so sorry.” He told you. “I’ll never stop being sorry.”

“I’d be a lot more willing to forgive you if you took a shower.” You scrunched your nose at him.

“I can do that.” He laughed in his drunken state and tried to stand up. He almost fell over, but you quickly caught him.

“Come on.” You laughed as helped him walk towards the bathroom. “Into the bathroom.”

You lead him into the bathroom and let him lean against you as you walked. You told him it was to help keep him on his feet, but you really just missed his touch.

“Okay.” You pushed the bathroom door open. “We’re here. This is my shower.”

Tom stared at it for a minute as if he’d never seen a shower before.

“How do I use it?” He looked to you for help.

“You just turn the knob.” You laughed and turned the knob towards the hot water.

“Thats too much responsibility for me”. Tom mumbled under his breath.

“Its okay. It’s already warm.” You said as you ran your hand under the water. “Shampoo and conditioner are on the floor. The soap is in the dish.”

As you turned around, you saw Tom tangled up in his shirt with his arms crossed.

“Oh no.” You chuckled. “What happened here?”

“I’m stuck.” His voice was muffled behind the shirt over his head.

“I can see that. Come here.” You gestured for him to come over and he stumbled towards you. You helped him pull his shirt the rest of the way off, reminding you of that way you used to be. He flushed a little under your gaze, feeling more vulnerable than ever.

“You stink.” You scrunched your nose up again when his must hit you.

“I know.” He smiled a little. “Sorry.”

“I took one of your razors by accident. It’s in the cabinet behind the mirror.” You told him. “Use it, please. You look like a pedophile.”

“I’ll use it.” He said, never taking his eyes off you. You stared back at him as you fought the urge to lean in and kiss him right there. You took a step back before you could get ahead of yourself and patted his chest.

“Okay.” You smiled shyly at him. “Have fun in there.”

“I’ll try.” He called after you as you left the bathroom.

When Tom came out of the shower, there was a pile of his clothes sitting on the counter. You had stolen enough of his clothes to throw together an outfit for him. Next to the clothes was a glass of water and some aspirin. He got dresses, popped the pills in his mouth and downed the water before finding his razor in the cabinet.

Once he was done, he padded back into your kitchen and found you sitting at the island.

“There you are.” You smiled at him. “Much better.”

“I feel better.” He told you. “I puked in your toilet though.”

“Well then it’s a good thing I made you some food to fill back up.” You said as you put a plate of eggs and toast in front of him. He looked at you gratefully before digging in.

“Thank you so much.” He said with a mouthful. “I haven eaten in hours.”

“Really? You didn’t eat on your date?” You asked as you put another glass of water by his plate.

“I was hardly even there.” He shook his head. “I drank half the bar though. Wait, how did you know about my date?”

“Harry tells me everything.” You chuckled. “I knew you were on your way here before you even left.”

“Damn.” He laughed as well. You sat in comfortably silence until Tom remembered what drove him to get drunk in the first place. “He told me you were seeing someone.” He said without making eye contact with you.

“It’s not serious.” You shrugged. “It’s only been a few dates.”

Tom felt sick to his stomach as you confirmed his worst nightmare.

“Does he call when he says he will?” He laughed humorlessly.

“Yeah.” You smiled sadly. “And he texts me too.”

“Wow.” Tom rolled his eyes and took a bite of his toast. You got up and poured hot water into a mug before putting his favorite tea bag in it.

“And he owns his own business so he works whatever hours he wants.” You continued as you set the mug in front of him. “No weeks away in other cities.”

“He sounds perfect.” Tom mumbled as he took a sip of his tea.

“Yeah.” You nodded as you sat back down. “I wouldn’t really know, though.”

“Why not?” Tom perked up.

“Cause when I’m with him, all I think about is you.” You said sheepishly. Tom froze and looked at you hopefully when he heard you say this. You gave him a small smile and leaned your chin in your hand, raising your eyebrow a little to tell him the ball was in his court.

“I don’t deserve a second chance from you.” He shook his head. “I don’t deserve any of this.”

“Maybe not.” You agreed. “But I’m giving you one anyway.”

“Why are you being so nice to me?” He wondered. “You never had to open the door. But you let me in, cleaned me up and made me all this food. I broke your heart, remember? Why would you do all this for me?”

“Because I love you.” You said simply. “And l’ve been miserable without you. I should’ve stayed and worked things out. I can’t tell you how much I regret leaving like that.”

“It’s okay.” He nodded and put his hand on top of yours. “It was my fault. I drove you to leave. But I promise, if you come back, everything will be different. I’ll call you so much, you’ll get sick of me. And I’ll start taking you with me when I work. No more months away. I promise.”

“I really want to believe you.” You sighed and toyed with his fingers. “I already know you’re sorry. You left me about 40 voicemails telling me that you are. You’re lucky I haven’t turned one into a song yet.”

“I guess I am pretty lucky.” He chuckled slightly.

“I still might.” You teased. “Next time you piss me off, I’m making a single out of “y/nnnn. I miss you. Please take me back” and getting on the charts.”

“Please don’t.” He whined as he got out of his seat and walked around the kitchen island to be near you.

“As long as you keep your word and make some changes, I won’t have to.” You smiled softly now that he was close to you.

“Thank you for letting me in tonight.” He spoke softly as he eyes stayed on your lips. “Thank you for everything.”

“You’re welcome, bear.” Your lips tugged into a full smile. You wrapped your arms around his neck and rested your forehead against his, relishing in his warmth. Tom took the initiative to lean forward and kiss you for the first time in two months. Three actually, since he’d been away working. You pulled him closer to deepen the kiss, feeling like you never wanted to pull away.

“Thank you for taking me back. I love you so much.” He mumbled against your lips. You rested your head on his shoulder and gently swayed with him in the kitchen, missing him more than words can say.

“I love you too, bear.”

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