#this has been my mood since january he has infested my brain

[assaultvvyvern]

made this for me and my bf sharing it here too now ig

[theflybynight]

Wow i haven’t been active much have I? Here’s an update on my life. All the trigger warnings I guess. It’s long.

I know I don’t really have many friends on Tumblr anymore so I can’t imagine why anyone would read this but whatever maybe writing this all out will be therapeutic

———— dunno how to do read more on Tumblr mobile———-

To all the people who didn’t unfollow, thanks and sorry for disappointing you this year. Since moving in June my life has become hell. My mental health went to shit, my home life has suffered, i no longer enjoy learning, and I’ve never been lonelier. There have been moments of joy for sure, I had a few great days in the summer, my Birthday was great, I got to see some friends I haven’t seen in awhile and it was great but overall I’m left feeling like I do now.

Mental health is shit. I apparently don’t have depression or anxiety or anything but I feel like i do most of the time. I have a lot of good days but the bad days are really bad, days like today where I stay in bed all day and cry are particularly rough, where I say stupid things to people I care about out of fear of losing them when they realize I’m not worthy of their time or attention. I’ve stared group counselling and the first 2 sessions seemed to help but the last one somehow made me feel worse and so I’m starting one on one counselling in January. I’ve thought about suicide more this year than I ever have, I’ve come close to self harming too many times, and I’ve been definitely guilty of self destructive behaviour (not eating/ not eating well, sleeping all day , not letting myself sleep, etc). Sometimes I forget how bad it is because I’ll have a few days in a row of bliss. I feel content, hopeful even, and grateful and then the negative thoughts come back and I realize that this was bound to happen. The happiness and positivity won’t last, it never does.

Home life is suffering because of mental health in terms of familial relationships. My mum doesn’t understand my mental health issues , in fact she has always claimed they don’t exist. She scolds me for being upset and blames her bad moods on my bad moods. I’m afraid to talk to her about how I’m feeling because I know she won’t understand. But that’s not the reason I don’t like being home. I don’t like being home because home is infested with bed bugs. I don’t have a bed, my clothes are in bags, every morning I wake up with bites covering my body and extreme itchiness. I don’t like being home because it’s winter and they won’t turn the heat up, and sleeping on an air mattress on the floor doesn’t help me stay warm. I don’t like being here. I’m lonely, itchy, annoyed.

My new uni isn’t a bad place but for me it’s become a bad place. I associate it with loneliness, I’ve only just made a friend and she’s only in two of my classes. I associate it with over spending, I have become addicted to wasting all my money on food at school. I also asóciate it with failure. Ive been an A student since high school but suddenly I’m getting 50s and 60s and I’m discouraged, i don’t want to try anymore I just want to give up. I don’t even know where I’m going with my degree and I don’t care enough to figure it out. I’ve no future aspirations, no dream careers and no motivation to try and find one. I hate going to school.

The loneliness is related to all of the above. I’m not friendless. Some people I know from my hometown live here now, specifically a very close friend I made 2 years ago. He lives on the other end of town and is always going back and forth between cities but he’s there when I need him. My cousin is my best friend in the world and she’s now closer than ever, she even goes to a college on the same campus as my university. I made a friend through Tinder ( strange , I know) and for the most part she’s there too. I’m not alone but I feel alone because my brain tells me that to all these people I’m nothing, I’m a nuisance to them, they pretend to like hanging out with me because they feel bad for me, if I reach out to them I’m bothering them. Despite these people proving again and again that they do care for me on some level, my brain can’t understand why and so i don’t believe it. On my bad days I tend to express these insecurities and then I feel worse for having done so. I feel as though I deserve to be alone, to be friendless, there’s nothing special about me, I know this. I just can not comprehend why someone would choose to be my friend so the only logical explanation is that they aren’t really my friends. This mind set has screwed me over many times and often leads to my “depressive episodes” .

All of this negativity in my life started in June when I moved here. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if things will get better next year but I hope they do.

I know no one will read this entire thing but if someone does, I’m open to any advice you’re willing to offer because I’m lost. I want to drop out of uni, quit my job, delete all my social media and just stay in my room. I’m done.