#this has been my header since forever but i realized i never actually posted the doodle

[halizumab]

just cows bein’ boys 🤠

[k-llama-llama]

Naver

Everglow AU: 7th member

Mya/Enya x Everglow

Mya starts to trend for something she never expected.

A/N: ALSO CHECK OUT MY PATREON FOR ACCESS TO EXCLUSIVE CONTENT AND EARLY ACCESS (patreon.com/kllamallama)

Requests are OPEN!!!

Masterlist and other Follow Me links in bio!

“How much longer are you going to be?” Mia knocked on the door of the bathroom.

“Just a minute!” Mya hurried to knot her hair up under a towel. “It takes forever to wash my hair when it’s like this.” She explained as she opened the door. “I have like eight different shampoos.”

“But it looks so good.” Mia smiled. “Either way, I need to shower.”

“Go, ahead.” Mya stepped out of the bathroom, tying her robe closed around her. They were in the middle of the final stage of preparations for their comeback, so all of the girls were more stressed and frantic than usual. They were spending hours on skincare, watching their diets like crazy, and of course, practicing at all hours of the day. Which meant that the ten minutes Mya spent in the shower were the only truly calm moments she felt all day.

And the second she stepped back out into the living area, she was instantly bombarded by the chaos of their comeback.

“Mimi, have you seen my jade roller?” Yiren asked. “I need to do it before I go to bed.”

“I haven’t seen it.” Mya walked around to sit on the couch. “But I think mine is in my basket in the bathroom. You can use that.”

“Thanks!” Yiren walked over and started knocking on the bathroom door. “Mia! How much longer are you going to be?”

Mya snorted, laying down on the couch. They really needed a bigger apartment, or at least a better system of managing things.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Aisha walk into their bedroom.

“Can you grab my phone?” Mya called. “It’s just sitting on the nightstand.”

“Yeah, I’ll get it.” Mya squished herself down into the cushions, wondering if it would be frowned upon for her to fall asleep on the couch. At the very least, she should work up the energy to go put on her pajamas. But she really didn’t see that happening.

“You have a ton of notifications.” Aisha said, tossing the phone onto her. It landed right on her stomach with a thud.

“Is someone trying to call me?”  She pushed herself up on her elbow, checking the notifications.

“It didn’t look like it?” Aisha leaned over the back of the couch. “What is it?”

The notifications were mostly texts, but it seemed like everyone was sending her the same link. She clicked on one sent from Yohan, opening to the Naver homepage. She blinked, trying to process what she saw.

“Are you kidding?” Aisha exclaimed. “That’s amazing!”

The top article on the celebrity section of the Naver homepage read ‘Everglow’s Enya steals attention for her incredible visuals’.

“I’ve never trended before.” Mya gasped. “I mean…when I joined the group a bit…but why would they…”

“Because you’re gorgeous!” Aisha grinned. “Click on th  e article.”

Mya did, leading to an article with the concept photo they’d released yesterday as it’s header. She’d figured that the outfit would get some attention. It was a small, shiny black strapless dress and a pair of strappy knee high boots in the same fabric. It was tight, and actually showed off the few curves that she did have. And with her hair in its current style, it looked really cool.

But still, trending? That seemed like too much.

“Mimi, you need to read the comments on this thing!” Onda came out of her bedroom, phone in hand.

“You saw it too?” Mya groaned.

“Obviously!” Onda exclaimed. “Go read the comments.”

“Yeah, I want to see them too.”

With both girls leaning over her shoulder, Mya hit the comment section, going to read the ones with the most positive reactions.

Wow, her body is seriously out of this world.

Has she always been in Everglow? I think I would have been a fan before.

That hair really suits her.

Her features look so small.

“Okay, I didn’t get that much prettier.” Mya protested. “Why are they all just realizing it now?”

“Who cares, they think you’re pretty.” Aisha laughed. “Just be happy about it.”

“I can’t be happy about it, do you see how many people have texted me?” Mya closed the article, going back to her messages.

Kim Yohan: Aw look at you….all grown up.

Dongpyo: Since when are you that hot? I can’t believe you never told me.

Seungyoun: HAHAHAHAHA

Yuta: I found my new wallpaper.

“This is so stupid.” Mya groaned. “Why can’t we talk about Jiwon’s picture? Or your’s? Why does it have to be mine?”

“Because you’re so pretty!” Onda squealed, grabbing Mya head and giving it a hug. “Urgh, I’m so proud of you?”

“For being pretty?” Mya struggled to get the words out, considering she was being squished.

“Because when you joined the group you tried so hard to hide and now everyone is giving you attention.” Onda explained.

Mya smiled up at her. Since she’d joined the group, Onda had gone out of her way to make sure that she felt included. So even though she felt really weird with everyone talking about her photo, she didn’t have it in her heart to complain about it.

“I can’t wait until they see your next one.” Onda shook her shoulders excitedly. “Maybe we can make you trend for every single concept!”

“That feels like a lot.” Mya winced.

“Just think of it as you helping promote the group.” Aisha suggested. “You’re the face of the group for a little while.”

“Don’t be ridiculous!” Mya protested. “Yiren is face of the group. She’s way prettier and she’s…”

“Not the one trending right now.” Yiren emerged from the bathroom, running a jade roller over her face with one hand and checking her phone with the other. “Face it, Mimi. You’re famous.”

“Urgh, I don’t want to be.” She collapsed back into the cushions. “This is embarrassing.”

“The next step is for you to get all prettied up and post a selca to thank the fans.” Yiren prompted.

“Exactly.” Onda nodded. “Just really rub in how pretty you are.”

“Do I have to?” Mya groaned.

“Yes.” Aisha agreed. “So put on something other than a robe, maybe do some makeup, and then go take a picture.”

“But I just showered.” Mya begged. “I want to just be lazy for a while.”

“I’ll pick out your outfit.” Yiren hurried into the bedroom.

“I’ll do your makeup!” Onda clapped, completely ignoring her.

Mya glanced at Aisha as the other two hurried away. “Do you think I have time to escape?”

Aisha shook her head. “I wouldn’t try it.”

[painted-crow]

Secondary Toast Revolving Door, Part 1

I guess I should start with a little about me, since that’s easier than making you pick through previous asks for information and some of you guys are new here. This one’s going to be heavily personal, so you can skip it if you want.

I’m a double Bird. My Bird primary system is heavily Badger influenced, and I also use Lion to support it by telling me when I should investigate something more closely. If we can dip into primary territory for a moment, I guess you can say I understand the world through systems that model things around me. But not all of those systems are things I’ve consciously examined, or fully investigated.

My understanding of how historical people dressed is pretty limited, for example, because I haven’t studied it in depth to get all the information—but I consciously understand what I do know about it. You could say this system piece is tiny but clear; I could expand it if I chose to find out more.

My understanding of how someone I’m not close to thinks might have more data to work with, but I haven’t consciously processed it; that’s the kind of thing where my Lion primary model will tell me to look closer if that person starts acting weird. This system piece might be described as huge but fuzzy; I could clarify it if I sat down and thought about it. I probably have more of these than I realize, but Lion basically takes care of monitoring those. I don’t have to investigate everything.

But some of my systems are both large and fairly clear, because I’ve taken the time both to gather data on them and to examine it. My understanding of myself is… well, I won’t say it’s terribly clear, because I’m in my early twenties and I’m still constantly getting new information, plus someone keeps changing the environment and mucking with my data (that would be me). But I have to examine it, because my brain is like a notoriously buggy piece of software and I’m the poor schmuck saddled with tech support duties.

Basically, the reason I’m good at playing therapist with other people is that I’m constantly doing exactly that thing with myself. (This probably makes me a very annoying patient for actual therapists.)

About that buggy brain, then.

I have major depression. That was professionally diagnosed when I was a teenager and it’s probably genetic. I take medication for it, when I remember to. It especially flares up in the winter or when I’m under stress. I probably have some kind of anxiety disorder too.

I’m almost certainly autistic, which I’ve never brought up with a professional—the first person to figure it out was the system I’m now best friends with, because they’re autistic and they knew I was within two weeks of talking to me. It took me two years to catch up with them and figure it out myself.

In my defense, I thought executive dysfunction, sensory overwhelm, dissociation, and hyperempathy were like… secret menu items for depression, because those only really bug me during depressive episodes. My current theory is that they’re related to autistic burnout instead.

I mask a lot, subconsciously—it’s actually really hard to turn that off normally—and I just can’t do that as much when depressed. If I do, my tolerance for everything else goes way down and I’ll go into overwhelm and start having shutdowns and dissociating. I recover pretty quickly (hours, not days), but if you’ve never spent 15 minutes standing in a Walmart aisle trying to decide whether you want a jar of peanut butter, but you can’t make decisions because you can’t access your emotions and you don’t really feel like you’re “here” but you kind of just want to go home… well, be glad I guess.

Of course, I have other autistic traits that show up when I’m not under stress, but they’re seldom associated with autism because most people don’t know what autis are like when we’re actually happy. Like, hyperlexia? That’s not even an “official” word, the auti community just uses it because “official” literature hasn’t caught up. I taught myself to read at age three (according to my mom; she says I was reading news headlines and stuff, not just books I’d memorized) and wrote a 35k word novella when I was ten, with no external prompting. My audio processing used to be terrible, but I routinely tested at college age reading levels as a kid.

I also might have ADHD? If so, it’s also mostly just noticeable if I’m under stress, and then it’s hard to tell if that’s the issue or if it’s just autism/depression again.

You might be getting a clearer picture of how my secondary and its model end up burnt so often!

(Resisting a very strong urge to cut stuff from this post.)

In short, I was a Gifted Kid. I spent a lot of my teen years biting off more than I could chew, honestly. I felt that I should be able to do more, and I wanted to be taken seriously, but I had basically no idea how to take care of myself because my needs are different from everyone else’s. I’m still figuring those out.

I’m kind of like an orchid plant: incredibly picky about conditions, wants a different “soil” and watering schedule, gets stressed if stuff changes too quickly, but when everything is just right and it does bloom, it goes all out.

I’m not kidding when I say that I have odd needs. One of them is the need for creative work, which seems to be hardwired into me. When I say that art or writing keeps me sane, I often hear back “oh yeah! I’ve heard that can be very therapeutic,” which is an innocuous reply, but it’s always bugged me, and I think I’ve figured out why.

First, because that’s not the reason I make things… I just… have to. Second, I can’t “make up” not doing creative work with some other kind of therapy. Third and most importantly, I’d much rather think of “artist” as my ground state, and depression as a condition that happens when my needs aren’t being met, rather than thinking of depression as the default that I’m just using art to escape from. That seems to me a healthier way of thinking, and probably a more accurate one, but I’m probably the only one who can see that distinction.

If life gets in the way and I can’t make space for creative work, it will actively make my depression worse. I know this because, multiple times, I’ve been unable to pinpoint why I’m feeling shitty, and then I go back to my easel or my writing or (ukulele, cooking, even just taking care of houseplants) and realize I haven’t done anything creative in like a month and thaaaat’s the problem.

I crack open a bottle of gesso to prep some canvases and it smells like… well, I don’t think you can get high off gesso? But it’s not like when you’re out of it on painkillers or cold medicine or whatever. It’s incredibly grounding, like the world snaps back into focus but it’s also oddly euphoric. Or I write ten thousand words in a couple days and it just… I don’t know what that does. I’ve never run across a word for it.

The writer of Smile at Strangers (a really good memoir centered around women, anxiety, and karate) describes a similar feeling in relation to her martial arts practice.

It’s also a bit like when all the snow melts after winter and you step outside and there’s the smell of wet soil under sunlight and I’m not sure if this fully translates for people who don’t have seasonal depression. Sorry.

Dammit, I want to paint… I haven’t had space to set up for like eight months. I’ve been nose-deep in writing projects since last summer for a reason, but right now my friggin Ravenclaw secondary is off angsting about something because of Life Stress Bullshit, and I don’t have the focus to work on any of my writing projects. Apart from this one. But it’s not really what I want in terms of creative work.

*velociraptor screech*

Oh, yeah. I guess I could mention this is why my nickname is Paint. Not sure if that was obvious before. The header image (which is more visible in the app for some reason) is one of my paintings. It’s a tiny one and it’s not one of my favorites, but I had the photo on my phone and the colors work well enough for what I needed.

(restrains self from negging my own painting ability)

This is starting to get into spoiler territory for what burned Ravenclaw secondary looks like, huh? It’s peaced out for a couple weeks at this point. I’m trying to write about what made it take off, but my ability to think of words and form a coherent sentence kinda flew out the window when I approached it directly.

Let’s just say that around the start of the month, someone I was talking to online (if you’re reading this, it’s definitely not you) kindaaaa hit a nasty depression trigger of mine. Not their fault—it’s very specific to me, and I struggle to explain why I can’t really talk about it. Basically, I spent years studying programming and web design, and due to several different but related issues during that experience, it’s now a trigger for me. I very much want it not to be, but trying to train that out of myself has induced more than one panic attack and I’m stuck between giving up on it or figuring out a way to go back to it that doesn’t totally shut my brain down.

That paragraph took forever to write, by the way.

I think I have to end this here. I… am going to go take out the trash, and water my plants, and make my bed, and file some paperwork, and maybe I’ll even mix up some bread dough or do some laundry. Spoiler alert for what it looks like when my Hufflepuff model takes over, I guess.

Oh. And I should maybe probably eat something. I almost forgot about that... again.

[unloveable-unreachable]

You’re the One My Heart Wants- Chapter 13

Word Count: 8,378

Warnings: Swearing

Author: Me

A/N: After a long, longggg wait... the next chapter to this story is finally here. Like I said guys, I’m really sorry that it’s taken so long for this chapter to be posted. I’m trying to get back in the groove of writing this story for y’all. I hope it doesn’t disappoint. 

Y/N POV

“OOSA on three!” JJ yelled over the thundering crowd as we all huddled together with our hands meeting in the center, “One, two, three!” “OOSA, OOSA, OOSA AH!” we all yelled together before the starters ran to their positions. Once I got to my spot, I stood there looking at the massive crowd in the stadium and finally let the nerves set in. “Hey, kid,” I hear Pinoe say as she walked up to me, “Don’t be nervous. We’ve got this. Just play your game and they’ll never know what hit them.” She gave me a smile and a wink as she pats my shoulder. “Thanks, Pinoe,” I say with a smile and a nod before she jogged over to her position on the opposite side of the pitch. I notice Lindsey looking around the stadium and at all of us as Thailand got into their positions. She saw me looking at her with a smirk, which caused her to give me a big grin. We did our little air-handshake, just like she and Sonny do except ours is a little different, before she turned to get ready. After what felt like forever, the whistle finally blew and the match started with the roar of the crowd and the disappearance of my nerves.

The first few minutes of play seems to drag on with a couple of scoring attempts made by Sammy and myself, but no goals yet. It’s the 5th minute when we actually see our chance. Kelley sends in a cross towards the box where Lindsey, Sammy, and Alex are. I watch from outside the box as the ball soars towards Lindsey, who nods it down and forward to Alex. Alex volleys the ball into the back of the net, causing the crowd to go absolutely crazy. I start running towards Alex and Lindsey celebrating in the box, then out of the corner of my eye I see the offsides flag being raised. Fucking hell. “It’s alright,” I say as I reach Alex after she realizes that she was caught offsides, “You’ll get another one. I just know it.” She gave me a soft smile as I patted her back while we jogged back to our positions. After a few more minutes of play, I have the ball on the right side of the pitch when I see Alex and Pinoe open in the box. As great as that chance would’ve been, I fucked up the cross and sent it over the crossbar. “It’s okay,” I hear JJ say from behind me as I got back in my position causing me to turn around to face her, “Just relax, we’ve got this. Don’t force anything.” I nod my head towards her and give her a thumbs-up before mouthing, “Thanks, JJ.” It’s the 12th minute before we see hope for another chance to score. Pinoe has the ball while Alex and I are trying to get open in the box. Pinoe weighs her options as she sees Kelley move towards the outside of the box. She passes it to Kelley, while Alex and I adjust our positions in the box as Kelley moves down the right side of the pitch. Kelley moves more and more towards the end line before finally chipping a cross towards the goal. It’s more in Alex’s range so I stop and watch her send a beautiful header into the back of the net.

“And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen! The first goal of the match goes to the USA after that beautiful cross O’Hara sent into the box towards Morgan. A beautiful header for the first goal for the USA! The USA leads 1-0 in the 12th minute of play!”

Holy fucking shit. Did that really just happen? I’m like in shock right now, it’s been so long since we’ve gotten to witness a Kellex goal. And yes, the whole team knows about all of the ships on Twitter and Tumblr of our team. Anyways, back to the match. I start running towards Kelley and Alex while the whole stadium shakes with excitement. When I reach them, along with the rest of my teammates, I’m stuck in the middle of a huge group hug while I held on to my best friend and my girlfriend. “HOLY SHIT!!” Kelley yells as she starts jumping up and down with the whole group, “I love your head, Janice!!” Alex laughed as Kelley kissed her forehead. I slung my arms around them as we walked back to our positions. “I’m so glad I got to finally witness a Kellex goal again,” I say with a smirk as Kelley and Alex groaned, “All jokes aside, I’m proud of you two. Let’s kick some ass.” Kelley cheered loudly in response as she ran to her spot, while Alex hung back with me for a few more minutes. “Next goal is yours,” Alex said as she patted my back with a smirk and a wink before she jogged to her position. I shook my head at her before giving her a bright smile as I turned my attention back to the match. After maybe three more minutes of play, Kelley gets an extremely clean tackle that makes our whole bench jump to their feet in excitement. She’s still got it, I think to myself. My best friend looked completely in her element, it’s been a while since I’ve seen her on her game this much. I missed this Kelley, a complete badass. Sammy had the ball during the 18th minute and saw an opening on goal, but managed to shoot it just to the left of the post. “Fuck,” I hear her say as she ran her hand over her face while she walked back to her position. “Sammy,” I say loud enough for her to look up at me with frustration clear on her face, “It’s okay. You’ll get a goal, just don’t overthink it or force anything. Tone down the ‘Tower of Power’ just a little.” She smiles at me with a laugh before getting back into position. 

In the 20th minute, Kelley has the ball on our side of the pitch for a few moments before sending a long ball towards Alex. Alex moves the ball up the left side of the pitch, while I watch Rose move through defenders in the middle of the pitch towards the box. I move up the right side and try to gain the attention of as many defenders as I can, in hopes that I can help Rose get open. Alex notices what I’ve managed to make happen as she passes the ball forward to Rose, who sends a low ball towards the left of the goalkeeper into the net.

“And they’ve done it again! With that precise pass from Morgan to Lavelle in Thailand territory, the ball sneaks under the goalkeeper to extend the lead for the USA to 2-0 in the 20th minute!”

I don't know what it is, but there's something about this match. The energy coming off of the team and coming from the crowd is indescribable. We came here to make a statement and honestly, I feel like there’s more to come. It would be amazing if we managed to pull off an unbelievable match, one that would stick in everyone’s minds forever. Anyways… After I watched Rose score from the right side of the pitch I ran over with Lindsey and hugged Rose, Alex, and Pinoe for a quick moment before we got back to business. During the 22nd minute, Crystal managed to get down the pitch just outside of Thailand’s goal to send a cross in for Sammy. I watched as Sammy moved on goal to head the ball into the back of the net, but the goalkeeper deflected it right to Alex’s feet. I held my breath, knowing I was about to see her get a brace in the first match of the tournament. But, instead, she somehow managed to send the ball over the crossbar. I couldn’t help but give her a little smirk as she turned around to get ready for the goal kick. She looked a little irritated, but it seems like my smirk pulled her out of that since she was smiling at me now. Not too long after Alex’s attempt, Sammy has the ball inside the box just to the left of the goal. When she looked like she managed to get an opening on goal, she’s pulled to the ground by the Thailand defender. The ref didn’t call anything dirty on the play, which just pissed me off. “Are you fucking kidding?!” I yelled as I walked towards the ref after checking on Sammy, “Are you blind? She was pulled down, that’s a penalty!” I’m pulled back by someone before I could get anywhere near the ref, as I tried to continue yelling. “Y/N,” I finally hear the person who’s pulling me away say, “Calm down. Don’t lose your head.” I turned around to see who was pulling me away— Kelley and Alex. Not too surprising, I know. “But, she just watched her pull Samm—” “We know,” Kelley says while interrupting me, “It was a shit call, but we don’t need you getting carded over this.” “Kelley’s right, baby,” Alex whispers to me while putting her hand on my shoulder, “The team just got you back out on the pitch, and we need you out here to help us pull out a win. So, please calm down before Jill subs you out.” She’s right. Actually, they’re both right. I can’t let things get to me so easily. After a moment, I let out a long sigh and nodded my head towards both of them, “I’m fine, it’s fine. Let’s just get back to the match.” 

We managed to get the ball back pretty quickly after the bullshit with Sammy happened, and a failed scoring attempt made by Thailand that went right into the hands of Uncle in the 28th minute. Crystal sent a long ball to me near the top of the box, where I weighed my options. I can see Pinoe and Alex moving on goal, but then again I can see an opening for me to get a shot in. While I try out a little fancy footwork, managing to almost slip past the Thailand player, I’m practically shoved to the ground right outside the box. I had the wind knocked out of me and it caused me to groan loudly, “Jesus…Fucking...Christ...” While I moved to get up, I could hear someone yelling at the ref. No surprise who it is either. “Kelley,” I say as I moved in between her and the ref, pushing her back, “Back up. It’s fine. We don’t need the master of yellow cards getting carded today.” She gave me a mischievous grin before glaring at the ref again. “Fucking bitch,” she whispered, “Missing all of these calls all match. You were in the box, it should be a penalty.” After a moment of me trying to get her to calm down, I managed to talk her down before going to set up for the free-kick. Looking at how everyone was setting up in the box, I knew that my next choice probably wasn’t the most conventional but it would catch Thailand’s team off guard. As the whistle’s blown, I approach the ball with no intention of sending it in the air. I sent a low ball right under the line of Thailand players towards Sammy in the box. The ball somehow bounces off of Sammy’s legs right to the feet of Lindsey. Lindsey shoots the ball into the top of the net and the stadium erupts with excitement.

“And with that surprising low free-kick sent in by Y/L/N, it goes off Mewis to the feet of Horan. Horan sent the ball into the back of the net with extreme power! That goal gives the USA a 3-0 lead in the 32nd minute of play! Horan just scored her first World Cup goal! What a match, ladies and gentlemen!”

I yelled with extreme excitement as I ran towards Lindsey and the rest of my teammates in a group hug. When Lindsey was finally able to get out of the arms of our teammates, she saw me beaming at her with pride a few feet away. She gave me a goofy-ass Lindsey Horan smile as she ran and jumped into my arms. “Look at my best friend,” I said as she laughed with me, “Scoring in a World Cup tournament for the first time. I’m so fucking proud of you!!” After I let her down, she gave me another hug while saying, “Thanks, Y/N. It means a lot coming from you. Also, thanks for always being there to catch me.” She was laughing after saying that last part as we walked back to our positions. I was laughing too because only Sammy and I will catch her when she’s jumping into our arms. “Anytime, Linds,” I say as I pat her back with a smile, “Let’s finish this.” She gave me a thumbs-up and a wink before jogging to her spot. I glanced over at our bench before play started back up again and I saw Sonny grinning from ear to ear, looking and pointing at Lindsey and I. Probably overly praising us, per usual. In the 38th minute, Alex had another chance to score again. Crystal passed her the ball and Alex does a small move that managed to get the defender that was covering her to overrun her just enough to give her the space she needed. But, that moment is short-lived whenever Alex shoots on goal just for it to be blocked by a defender. Even from where I was standing, I could hear Alex groan with frustration. Throughout the rest of the half, we had a few chances to score again but mostly the ball either didn’t get to where we needed it to be or the goalkeeper managed to get her hands on the ball. Just before the whistle is blown for halftime, Pinoe is pushed down and slides into a Thailand player. I rolled my eyes thinking that the ref was just going to let that one go too but to everyone’s surprise, she actually calls the foul. I walked over and helped Pinoe up just as the whistle was blown for halftime. “Fucking hell,” she mumbled loud enough for me to hear, causing me to laugh loudly, while we jogged towards the locker room.

“You’re doing really great, kiddo,” Ash says to me after Jill walked out of the room, “Really kicking some ass out there.” I nod my head towards her while saying, “Thanks, mom. I just really want a goal…” “You’ll get one,” Christen said as she walked up to us with Tobin, “I know you will.” “You’ll do some of your fancy footwork and score,” Tobin says with a shrug, “It’s inevitable.” I laughed at the sight of Tobin and said, “Oh, yeah? Coming from the Queen of Fancy Footwork, it must be true.” Tobin cracked one of her bright smiles while Christen laughed along with me. “Christen’s right though, Y/N,” I hear Ali say from the other side of Ash a moment later, “You always manage to pull out a goal whenever you really want one. ” I gave her a soft smile and glanced around the room while the four of them continued talking about the match. I was looking for Alex. Just as we were about to head back out to the pitch, her ocean eyes caught mine. She was giving me a soft smile after she left Allie and Kelley to come talk to me. “Hmmm,” I say as we walked towards the door of the locker room, “I thought you said the next goal was mine? Looks like you were wrong, for once.” She rolled her eyes and hit my shoulder before stopping us in the tunnel. “Okay, maybe I was a little off,” she said with a laugh, “But, I do think that you’ll score at least once in this match. I can just feel it.” I gave her a small grin before placing my hands on her shoulders. “Mhm...whatever you say, Alex,” I say with a small laugh before looking around us to make sure we were alone, “By the way, you’re doing fucking amazing. I’m ready to see you score another goal, babe.” That caused her to blush slightly and smile up at me. I glance around us one more time before leaning down and kissing her softly on the forehead. “Let’s go,” she said with a bright smile as she grabbed my wrist to pull me along with her towards the pitch.

The first few minutes of play in the second half consisted of mostly blocked shots and crosses that weren’t producing goals like we needed them to do. A little annoying and frustrating, to say the least. During the 50th minute, Pinoe has the ball in the middle of Thailand’s territory. I was watching her from the top of the box while she moved towards the left side of the pitch. I moved along with her just as she looked up to see me moving into an open area. She sent me a quick pass in the box, I turned with the ball and moved slightly to the left just before shooting my shot on goal. 

“And they’ve done it yet again, ladies and gentlemen! Rapinoe sent Y/N a pass in the box, where she turned and shot on goal. The ball is slightly deflected by a Thailand defender, causing the goalkeeper to make an error. Y/N scores the 4th goal for the USA, making the score now 4-0!”

For a moment, I just stand there in shock. Staring at the goal, the roar of the crowd is muted for just a few seconds before I’m pulled back into reality. “HOLY SHIT!” I yell as I run towards our bench with my teammates following close behind. When I get to the bench, there are only two people I’m thinking of celebrating this moment with-- my moms. Ash was jumping up and down yelling at the top of her lungs as Ali ran towards me with her arms open to catch me. “YOU DID IT!!” Ali yells as she spins me around, causing me to laugh loudly. Ash joins our hug with a giant smile plastered on her face just before the rest of the team joins in on a huge group hug. When I managed to break free from the hug, I’m pulled into one more that just included my best friends. “My best friends are goal-scoring badasses,” Sonny says with one of her goofy smiles as Lindsey and I make our way back towards the pitch. I looked around for my girlfriend quickly before we had to get back to the match. She was standing a little off to the side with Kelley, giving me one of her gorgeous smiles. Breathtaking, I swear. “I told you that you were gonna get a goal,” she says to me whenever I walk up to her and Kelley, which only causes me to shake my head at her with a sly grin. “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I respond while rolling my eyes, “You were right. Don’t rub it in, Al.” That caused her, Kelley, and I to laugh while Alex pulled us both in for a quick hug. “Don’t squish me, lovebirds,” Kelley whines quietly, “We’ve still got a match to finish.” When the three of us broke away from our hug, Kelley was giggling like she always does whenever she got her way. Alex and I exchanged a glance, rolling our eyes at our idiot best friend with a laugh. We all made our way back to our positions quickly, just before Thailand put the ball in play again. 

After three minutes of play, we are given a free-kick after a foul is called. Normally, Pinoe takes the free kicks whenever Christen isn’t in. That’s what we’re all expecting at least but instead, Jill points at me to take it. Weird. I guess the free-kick I had in the first half made a good impression? After giving Jill a confused look, I walked over and set up for the free-kick. I, once again, look at how everyone was set up and made a quick decision. Lindsey looked like she was in the perfect position to score again, so that’s what I was going with. As the whistle blows, I send the ball in the air towards Lindsey in the box. She gets her head on it and sends it just outside the goal, where Alex volleys it with her right foot into the back of the net.

“This is unbelievable! After the lofty free-kick was sent in by Y/N, Horan gets her head on it in hopes for a header. She falls just short, but Morgan manages to volley the ball in for another USA goal! Alex Morgan has a brace in the USA’s first match of the World Cup tournament! The USA now leads 5-0 in the 53rd minute of play!”

That...was...fucking...beautiful. Like, I’m just in constant shock throughout this whole match. I ran towards my teammates who were hugging my girlfriend, with the biggest smile on my face. After a moment, Alex and I were walking back towards the middle of the pitch. “I told you,” I said with a grin, as she gave me a questioning look, “I told you that you were going to score again. And that was a fucking beautiful goal, Alex.” Her look changed from questioning to a bright smile, almost childlike. “Hmm, I guess you were right for once,” she answers, causing me to give her a fake shocked expression, “This match is crazy. Like, unbelievable is an understatement.” I nod my head before saying, “And it’s not even close to being over yet. Score another one, I dare you.” I was giving her a daring look as she continued walking away from me to her position. She shook her head with a grin and a thumbs-up, “You’re on.” I laughed at her just as I was turning my attention back to the ball. Thailand’s possession is extremely short-lived as Crystal gets the ball back. Crystal moves down the left side of the pitch and sends the ball to Rose. Rose turns and attempts to score, but it’s deflected. To our luck, it’s deflected towards Sammy who sends the ball into the right side of the net.

“Unbelievable, ladies and gentlemen!! The USA took no time at all to get the ball back and score again. Mewis has scored the 6th goal for the USA, making the score 6-0 in the 54th minute!”

I’m gonna lose my voice by the end of this match, I swear. As I watched Sammy score, I yelled at the top of my lungs while sprinting towards my best friend. Lindsey and I get to her at the same time and pull her into a hug while congratulating her on her goal. “Is this really happening right now?!” Sammy says excitedly after we let her go. We both laugh at her and nod our heads while patting her on the back. The stadium hasn’t stopped cheering for what feels like forever. The crowd is literally making the stadium shake with excitement and chants. Fucking music to my ears, I tell you. Two minutes later, Crystal has the ball again and is moving down the left side of the pitch. Sammy was moving along the outside of the box, adjusting herself to where Crystal was. Alex and I were trying to make some space for one of us to be open in the box. As Sammy moved back towards the top of the box, Alex and I were both open in the box. Crystal passes the ball to Sammy, who turns around to see us both open. She sends the ball to the middle of the box, just out of Alex’s reach but definitely in mine. When I get my foot on the ball, it takes me less than a second to send a low shot into the center of the goal.

“Another brace for the USA! Y/N has just scored a brace in the 56th minute after Mewis sent her a pass in the middle of the box! The USA now leads 7-0! This match just keeps getting better and better for the reigning champions!”

Oh my fuck. A fucking brace in the World Cup. Jesus fucking Christ! This time, I didn’t stare at the goal. I didn’t drown out the noise coming from the crowd. I immediately turned around to see my girlfriend’s smiling face as she ran towards me. Just as she got to me, I jumped into her arms and nuzzled my face into the crook of her neck. “Oh my god,” is all I can say while she held me for a moment, laughing at what I said, “This is fucking amazing.” After she sets me down, we’re both pulled into another group hug with a few of our teammates. When the group hug is over, Alex hugs me one last time while whispering in my ear, “I’m so fucking proud of you, baby.” That causes me to blush a little and smile brightly at her. “Thank you, babe,” I say back with my hand covering my mouth from the cameras, causing her to wink at me before we both headed back to the middle of the pitch. As I was making my way back, I saw my number go up. I had a goofy grin on my face whenever I saw who was coming in for me-- Christen. About fucking time. I give her a quick hug and say, “Give ’em hell,” just before she took the field. Rose was also subbed off at the same time as me, to let Carli get some playing time. While I made my way to the bench, I’m stopped by Jill who gives me a hug and says something encouraging. Kinda weird but it’s Jill. When I reached the bench, Ash jumped up and gave me one of her bear hugs. “I’m soooooo proud of you, Y/N,” she says with pure joy in her tone, “A brace. Are you fucking kidding me?!” I laughed at her as I thanked her before taking the seat next to Ali to watch the rest of the half.

The next ten minutes or so of play is mostly just missed shots and missed passing opportunities. Christen had a few here and there, Carli had a lot if I’m being honest here. In the 62nd minute, we get a corner kick that is sent in towards JJ. JJ acts a little too quickly and ends up sending the ball wide and to the right. She just laughs loudly towards Jill as she went back to her position, typical JJ. Mal subbed in during the 67th minute for her and has been trying to make something happen since she stepped on the pitch. During the 72nd minute, Kelley is knocked to the ground by a Thailand player. That causes me to jump up from my seat in an angry rage. “You’ve got to be kidding me right now,” I say through gritted teeth. I’m not the only one who’s pissed off, our whole bench is up and yelling at the ref to card the player. Which, she thankfully does shortly afterwards. “You okay, Smalls?” I yell loud enough for Kelley to hear. She turned towards the bench and gave me a thumbs-up and a grin before turning back to watch the free-kick. After nothing comes from the free-kick, it’s two minutes later when we get the ball back in Thailand’s territory. I watch as Sammy moves from midfield with the ball at her feet and she quickly passes the ball to Christen at the top of the box. Christen watches as Alex and Carli run in a crisscross pattern to get open before passing it to Alex at the right side of the box. We all watched as Alex faked out her defender, causing them to go left, and sent a quick shot across the goal to the far left side of the net.

“Alex Morgan has a hat-trick! After a pass from Press at the top of the box, Morgan sent the ball to the left side of the goal! The USA extends its lead even more to 8-0 in the 74th minute!”

Our whole bench started going insane as we all watched our teammates hug Alex. I was just smiling at her, extremely proud of her in this moment. She looked over at our bench with a gigantic smile plastered on her face. Adorable, like I can’t even explain it fully. The minutes drag on after that goal. The minutes are filled with failed attempts of scoring made by Carli, and multiple stops made by Kelley and Crystal. It’s during the 79th minute whenever we see another chance at scoring. Christen passes the ball to Mal, who plays an early cross towards the goal. We all watch as the ball goes out of Alex’s reach, but manages to find Pinoe. She sends a low, powerful ball into the center of the net. 

“And Megan Rapinoe joins the scoring party the USA is throwing! After a cross sent in from Pugh manages to find Rapinoe in the box, she sends a powerful ball into the center of the goal. The USA’s commanding lead has grown to 9-0 in the 79th minute!”

After we saw the ball hit the back of the net, we all moved towards the sideline while we cheered for Pinoe. She was running towards our bench just before sliding on her knees just before she begins mimicking the way Ash stretches her legs as a celebration. This only makes the bench erupt with laughter, especially from Ash. After we all celebrated with her, she went back to her position on the field. “This match is fucking insane,” Ash says with wide eyes, “Like holy fuck!” Ali started laughing at her as she continued talking about how insane this match was. I agree with her. Like I said before, I felt like this match was going to be amazing but I never thought it would be this fucking amazing. Like, it’s mind-blowing watching the match go on and on with us scoring more and more. This is a match we will never forget and it’s still not over...Jesus fucking Christ. In the 81st minute, Crystal has the ball at midfield for a moment before passing the ball to Pinoe. Pinoe moves the ball into the box before stumbling a little. The Thailand defenders move to stop her, which is a mistake because that just leaves Alex wide open in the box. Pinoe sees this and she passes the ball to Alex. Alex quickly reacts by sending the ball into the left side of the net, catching the goalkeeper off guard. 

“This is Alex Morgan’s game today! After receiving a pass from Rapinoe at the top of the box Morgan sent in a ball into the left side of the goal. This makes it her 4th goal and the USA’s lead 10-0 in the 81st minute of play! What an amazing match for the whole USA team!”

“Oh...my...god…” is all I can say as I watch Alex count the number of goals she’s scored on her hand while she ran towards the bench. “Aren’t we lucky?” Sonny says with a sly grin as she wiggles her eyebrows at me, “You and your girlfriend are pretty impressive.” I look at her with a small glare as I say, “Thank you, Sonny. But, for fuck’s sake, keep your voice down.” She held her hands up in defense while she laughed at me, which only caused me to laugh with her. Alex hugged everyone quickly before getting to me. She gave me a goofy smile before giving me a quick hug and saying, “See, I told you I’d score another one.” I rolled my eyes at her before saying, “I dared you to score one not two, you goof. I’m so proud of you right now, Alex.” She smiled softly at me before heading back to midfield. “Like I said,” Sonny says a moment later while putting her arm on my shoulder, “You’re lucky. Which I’m sure you already know.” She was giving me a knowing look as she, once again, started wiggling her eyebrows at me. “First off,” I respond, “I do know that, but not in the way you’re suggesting. Mind your own business, Sonny.” She was laughing at this point, probably because she thinks I’m lying to her when I’m really not. Oh well, let her think what she wants.

Three minutes later we have the ball again near midfield in Thailand’s territory. Christen is sent the ball, where she heads it towards Alex. Alex turns with the ball and passes it into the box whenever she sees Mal open. Mal dribbles the ball through the box and around the goalkeeper, who came out way too early to even try to stop her, and scores in the open net.

“Welcome to the World Cup scoring party, Mallory Pugh! Pugh manages to dribble past the goalkeeper after Morgan sent her a pass in the box, to score her first World Cup goal! This commanding lead that the USA has made is only growing more as the score becomes 11-0 in the 84th minute!”

The stadium is absolutely electric right now, it’s unreal. Our celebrations on the bench haven’t stopped since I got subbed out. It’s wild, to say the very least. We watched as Mal was surrounded by our teammates, congratulating her on her first World Cup goal. She looked so happy, it’s heartwarming to know that she’s only just starting out in her career. She’s going to go so far. It’s really great to know that the team is going to be in good hands after the veterans retire and the players like me hang up our jerseys one last time. I’m being way too sentimental right now, let me stop and get back to the match. After a few minutes of back and forth play, Crystal has the ball just past midfield. She sees that Alex is open and chips her a pass. Alex sees a defender coming up to challenge her, so she pops the ball up and over said defender. As she comes around the defender, she stretches her leg out to get a touch on the ball. She gains control of the ball and sends a strong, driving ball into the upper left-hand corner of the goal.

“Alex Morgan has really put on a show for us today! Dunn sent her a pass and she worked a little magic to get past a defender just before sending a powerful ball into the net! Morgan has 5 goals tonight, tying the record for most goals scored in a single World Cup match by one player! The USA now leads 12-0 in the 87th minute!”

Five fucking goals. Wow. What a fucking beast. Alex ran towards the bench after she scored and celebrated with each and every one of us. When she got to me she was smiling from ear to ear. When she pulled me in for a hug she whispered, “That one was for you, baby.” My cheeks immediately turn bright red, which only makes her laugh whenever she pulls away. “You are so fucking attractive right now,” I say quickly and quietly, causing her to laugh more, “Like it’s unreal, babe. I’m so unbelievably proud of you right now.” She gave me a bright smile and a quick wink before Jill made her run back to her spot. “Holy fuck,” I say loud enough for Ali to hear, “Wow, I love her.” Ali started giggling before saying, “Tone it down a little, kiddo. People can hear you...unless you want your secret out in the news.” I looked at her and probably had fear in my eyes because she started giggling more before pulling me in for a hug. “I’m just messing with you,” she says, “Well, at least a little bit.” “Thanks, mom,” I say with a small groan and smile. She laughed even more as we stood there watching the end of the match. After the ref said that there would be extra time added, we all just hope that we can hold Thailand off long enough to keep the score as it is. That worry is short-lived though. After we managed to get the ball in Thailand’s territory one more time, Alex had the ball at the top of the box. She passed the ball to Carli, who took it into the heart of the box. The defenders started moving in on her while she manages to freeze up the goalkeeper long enough to send the ball right past her into the net.

“Carli Lloyd adds to the USA lead in added time! She froze up the goalkeeper and slipped the ball right past her into the back of the net! 13 goals for the USA, unbelievable!”

Thirteen fucking goals. Can you fucking believe it?! Because I’m still trying to process that. Like this match has been a fucking ride. This was the best outcome we could’ve ever asked for. When the final whistle is blown, our whole bench runs out onto the field and hugs our teammates tightly as we cheer loudly. During the hugging and cheering, we also went and talked to the Thailand players. Giving them encouragement and hugging them while telling them to keep their heads up. After I talked to a few of Thailand’s players, my idiot best friends called me over. “Y/N!” Sonny says with one of her giant smiles as I got closer to them, “We fucking did it!” I was laughing at her as she jumped on my back, hugging my neck tightly. Sammy and Lindsey looked around the stadium in awe. “Hey,” I say trying to gain their attention, “Are you two alright? You don’t look like you just won a match in the World Cup.” I set Sonny down while Sammy and Lindsey looked over at me. “It’s just overwhelming,” Lindsey says while rubbing the back of her neck, “Like a good overwhelming.” “Yeah, what she said,” Sammy says after Lindsey finished. I smiled at my best friends before giving them both a hug. “We’re being sappy, aren’t we?” I say to them, causing them to laugh, “Come on we have to get to the locker room before Carli gets on our asses.” That causes all three of them to bolt towards the tunnel while I laugh at them loudly while making my way to the tunnel, at a slower pace. A threat involving Carli always works.

After getting stopped and asked a couple of questions about the match, I finally made it into the locker room. I still haven’t seen Alex since the match ended, probably because she ended up getting Player of The Match. She scored five goals, there’s no way she wouldn’t have gotten that. A no brainer for sure. But, I wanted to celebrate with her. I guess I can wait a little longer. While I waited for her to come in I got changed out of my cleats, socks, and kit into my training shorts and jacket so I could go out with some of the team to sign autographs and talk to my family. “You coming, kiddo?” I hear Ash ask from the doorway with Ali standing next to her a few moments later, “You don’t want to keep Ol’ Debbers and Kyle waiting.” Ali was laughing at what Ash said as she hit her shoulder, “Yeah come on, Y/N. We don’t need mom searching the whole stadium for us.” I rolled my eyes and shook my head with a smile as I got up from my seat. “Yeah, moms,” I answer, “I’m coming, I’m coming.” I’ll just find Alex later, no big deal. As I walked down the tunnel with my moms, Ash slung her arm around my shoulders and said, “You know, I’m really proud of you, Y/N. You seriously kicked some ass today. Didn’t she, Ali?” Ali hummed in response before looking over at me with a bright smile, “You really did, kiddo. We’ve still got a long way to go, but I think we’re in good hands if Jill keeps playing you as much as she has.” I was smiling at both of them while trying to fight back tears. They’ve always been there for me, and they always will be. My moms are probably one of the best things that could’ve ever happened to me. Like I said, I’ll never be able to thank them enough for everything they do for me. “Thanks, moms,” I say as I wrap my arms around both of their waists, causing them to hug me back, “That means a lot to hear that from both of you. I love you both so much.” “We love you too, Y/N,” Ali says while Ash hums in agreement as she kissed the top of my head, “And we always will.” We continued walking out of the tunnel, their arms still around me and mine around them, as we heard the crowd cheer for our team with signs and jerseys filling the lower sections of the stadium.

Alex POV

After doing the post-match interview and getting the Player of the Match, I didn’t really have time to go back to the locker room to change or talk to any of my teammates. Especially my girlfriend. I didn’t see her out on the pitch after the match ended, mostly because I was pulled into interviews almost immediately after talking to a few of Thailand’s players and probably because she and her friends were off acting like children somewhere over our win. I wanted to find her and celebrate with her, since she did so great and because this match was fucking amazing. I wandered around the stadium, signing a few autographs and taking pictures with our fans, for a few minutes while I waited for her to show up. After taking one last picture, that’s when I finally see her. She was with Ali and Ash, signing jerseys and taking pictures. I’m a good distance from them, but I can still hear the echo of fans yelling for a ‘Krashlyn family picture’. I could hear Ash and Y/N beg Ali to take another one over and over as I walked in their direction. Ali would fake groan every time but she always managed to crack a smile before hugging the two of them. While I watched them pose and beg a few more times, all I could do was smile at how happy my girlfriend looked with her moms. When I get closer to them, Y/N notices me and I’m welcomed by one of her bright smiles. “Hey, there you are,” she says while giving me a quick hug, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere.” I gave her a soft smile before hugging Ash and Ali. “Do you mind if I steal her away?” I ask them quietly, “My family has been bugging me about seeing her again.” Ash laughed while she nudged my girlfriend’s shoulder as Ali said, “Yeah, that’s okay with us. Don’t keep her too long though. Mom and Kyle will give us hell if they don’t see her before we head out to dinner.” I laugh while assuring her that she wouldn’t be gone long as Y/N followed me in the direction of my family.

“Y/N!” my mom yells as we reached the section they were waiting in, causing my girlfriend to smile bigger than I’ve seen in a while. “Hi, Mrs. Morgan,” she said as she gave my mom a hug, “It’s nice to see you guys again.” “None of that ‘Mrs. Morgan’ talk,” I hear my mom say with a laugh, “Anyone who makes my daughter smile as much as you do calls me Pamela.” I rolled my eyes with an embarrassed smile, as my family laughed. My mother, ladies and gentlemen. You gotta love her. After we all laughed for a few more moments, Jeni and Jeri came down to the railing. “You two did really great today,” Jeri said with a soft smile, “This is hands down one of my favorite matches I’ve ever seen. You two work really well together.” “I sure hope so,” I answer with a laugh, “Otherwise, that would be a deal-breaker.” That caused Y/N to give me a shocked look before saying, “Hey now. We’ve always played well together, you just never gave me the time of day till now.” She was grinning at me while my sisters let out a collective ‘ooooo’. I hit her arm while saying, “Okay, okay. Let’s not bring up the past. I barely knew anything about you till Kelley got us to actually hangout, for once, outside of the pitch. I definitely give you the time of day now, you goof.” Y/N was slightly blushing as she smiled at me. “Oh, yes,” my mom said a moment later, breaking me out of the trance caused by Y/N’s eyes, “That reminds me. I need to thank Kelley for getting you two together the next time I see her.” Oh god. I rolled my eyes at my mom while Y/N laughed as I said, “Yeah, okay. You do that, mom.” After my family laughed at my reaction to the ridiculousness coming from my mom, Y/N looked over at Jeni. “By the way, Jeni,” she said, “Where’s my favorite girl?” Jeni laughed as she looked over at her husband, who handed her Liv. “Here she is,” Jeni said as she handed Liv to Y/N, “She’s been waiting to see you all day.” I watched as Liv hugged on Y/N, making my heart melt on the spot. “Sorry, Al,” Y/N said with a sly grin, “You’re second when it comes to Liv. I mean, look at her. She’s adorable, and I’m her favorite soccer player. So fair is fair.” She was laughing after she finished which only caused Liv to laugh as well. She is adorable, so I can’t be too mad about being second to her. “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I say as I fake rolled my eyes while I kissed the top of Liv’s head, “I guess I’m okay with being second best. You’re also not just her favorite soccer player, you know?” That gained an ‘aww’ from my mom and sisters while Y/N gave me a soft smile. “Is it okay if I walk around the pitch with her for a few minutes, Jeni?” Y/N asked while rocking Liv back and forth in her arms. Jeni told her it was okay with her and Y/N gave her a quick thank you and reassured that they wouldn’t be gone for too long before she and Liv headed towards the middle of the pitch.

While we watched Y/N play with Liv on the pitch, I couldn’t help but think about the future I could have with her. I imagine us having our own family together sometime soon in the future, after we both put away our cleats for the last time. She’s so great with Liv and that only makes me think about how she would be with her own kids, our kids. This is hopeful thinking because I didn’t know if she wanted all of that with me. I think she does, but we’re still in the early stages of our relationship so it would be a little too much too soon to be talking about this kind of stuff. But it doesn’t hurt to think about it to myself. “Alex,” I hear Jeri say from behind me, “What’s got you thinking so hard?” I was still grasping on to the thought of a future with my girlfriend while I gave her, Jeni and my mom a soft smile, “It’s not important. Just thinking about stuff…” “Stuff being Y/N?” Jeni asked with a knowing look, “I see the way you look at her, Alex. The way you look at her when she’s playing with Liv… You love her, more than you loved Servando. We can all see how happy she makes you. Watching you two interact, it’s like you were made for each other. You want a future with her...you just don’t know it yet.” Damn. Went right for my feels, didn’t she? It’s like she was reading my mind, typical Jeni. As I stood there and looked at the three most important women in my life, all I can see is support and caring smiles. “You know, Jeni,” I say with a smirk and a crooked eyebrow, “It’s kind of creepy when you read my mind. Actually, I have been thinking about --” “Hey, Alex,” Y/N interrupts, causing me to turn around with a slightly panicked look on my face, “Ali just called, we gotta go. The team’s waiting for us to go to the hotel for dinner.”  I nodded towards her before turning back to my family and gave them each a hug. When I hugged Jeni she whispered, “We’re not done talking about this, Alexandra.” I looked at her and gave her a soft smile before I stepped back so Y/N could hand Liv back to her and tell my family goodbye for now. While we walked away, Y/N said, “I’ll meet you at the bus, babe. I have to go talk to Debbers and Kyle real quick. I won’t be too long, I promise.” When I told her that was okay and watched her jog over to the Krieger-Harris crowd, I was brought back to the thought of a future with her. 

That’s what I want, a future that has her in it…

Forever.

To Be Continued

[creacherkeeper]

[ID: a header showing the words “Kosis & disability” with a drawing of the main character. the word “kosis” is in original font, made to look like mossy stone. the “i” is speckled and distorted. the character has lavender skin, dark teal hair, and a white and purple striped sleeveless turtleneck. one of their hands is on their head and the other is over their stomach. they are crying with a grimace. the image is distorted and blurred to give it a look of unreality. end ID] 

so kosis is the game i’m working on, as i mentioned yesterday! like i said, this one is a visual novel as opposed to an educational game, but it still deals heavily with disability and mental illness, so i wanted to talk about that a bit 

summary: kosis is set in a world full of magical mushroom forests and adorable villages. but one day our hero comes across an ancient demon temple in the woods and learns the titans of the old world are rising again - and they don’t have much time to save their village 

spoiler warning below the cut! discussion of mental illness, cw for medication 

so as some of you may know, i’m schizophrenic. i have been since i was a kid. diagnosed & started treatment at age 20. growing up, i never saw positive portrayals of characters like me. schizophrenia was this scary thing, and characters with it were often violent, misguided, and wound up ... not okay, in the end, to put it lightly. this really affected my mental health, as still to this day, i get nervous disclosing my diagnosis & have a hard time seeing myself with a happy ending 

kosis is my answer to the problem i have with schizophrenia in media. though not always a happy game, kosis has a main schizophrenic character that is not overly dark, is not horror, and does have a hopeful ending 

at the beginning, the player has no reason to doubt anything that happens in the world of kosis. this world has fantastical creatures and giant glowing mushrooms - why not a demon temple and long-dead titans? but, as the game progresses, the player is meant to suspect something is off. through a mechanic called “assessments”, the player realizes that the hero doesn’t always come to logical conclusions. plus, no one else in the village can see these demons. and when our hero gets attacked, they’re the only one who seems to see any actual injuries  

i wanted to show schizophrenia in a fictional world to replicate what the experience is like for some of us. when in an episode, the things we’re thinking and seeing feel very real and logical. if i set the game in our world, the player could understand fairly easily what was real and what wasn’t. they would start to doubt the hero much earlier. but, in the world of kosis, there’s no reason not to go along with our hero’s perception - at least for a time 

it’s important to me to show that our hero, even when they’re frazzled and afraid, is never a danger to anyone else, and still cares deeply about their friends and village. mentally ill people are far more likely to be victims of violence than perpetrators, but there is an idea in (american) society that mentally ill people are dangerous. i want our hero to be sympathetic and for their thought process to be understandable. if you thought titans were coming back to destroy the world, you’d probably be frantic to stop it too. i want to show that our hero is coming from a good place, but delusion, hallucination, and paranoia leads them to the wrong conclusions, and therefore the wrong actions as well 

medication is used in the game to help the hero once their mental illness is discovered. this might be controversial to people with psychiatric conditions. but the game is based off my own experience. meds aren’t for everyone, but they’ve helped me get to a stable and healthier place. in the game, i emphasize that there are side effects to the medication that the hero may not want to tolerate forever. they choose to go on meds themselves, and also reserve the right to go off them in the future if they feel like its right. meds arent the ultimate or only answer - they also have their family, friends, and community to help them through it. though some of our hero’s actions are confusing, mostly the people around them are concerned and want to help. as much as i wanted to show some of what its like to live with schizophrenia, i wanted to model how the people around us can act with care and concern rather than derision or fear 

while the ending of the game isn’t strictly joyful, it is a hopeful ending with our hero in a place of healing and surrounded by friends. mentally ill people deserve to see themselves with happy endings too. too many stories told about us end in tragedy. i wanted kosis to be different 

future updates, including art, screenshots, and discussion will be posted to this blog under the tag “kosis game”! 

[justanotherweedinthelawn]

For the prompt list, maybe ”I'm sorry for asking.” with an s/o that asks to be in a poly relationship with Tenko and Himiko after realizing they're in love with both of them? I think this would be a pretty cute idea. 🥰

Oh my god you're right that is a really cute idea anon! I hope I do it justice. ;v; Sorry if Tenko and/or Himiko are ooc btw, I dont know too, too much about their in-game personalities. This is also probably my longest post so far, so yeah. Lemme know if you want a rewrite! Stay safe!

S/o confesses to Tenko and Himiko and ask to be in a poly relationship after realizing they're in love with both of them

You had begun talking to Tenko because she had been walking around the school advertising a magic show between classes. She pretty much went up to every person she saw and at least gave them a flyer. When you saw her walking up to you, you were actually kind of excited. You honestly had your eyes on her for the past week or so. She had just. Caught your eye if you're being honest. You weren't entirely sure why. Maybe it was her enthusiasm.. or maybe her beautiful long hair put into those twisted twintails.. or-

"Hey, there's going to be a magic show on Saturday! You should totally come!"

"O-oh.. uhh.. yeah! Yeah, I'll be there!"

"Seriously?! Thank you! Here's a flyer with more info!"

She hands you a flyer that's pretty well made.

'Come see the amazing Himiko preform tonight!'

That was the header of the flyer. The rest was some info about 'The amazing Himiko' and where she was performing. There was also a picture of her in the middle doing a magic trick.

Oh fuck shes actually kinda cute-

What the hell? You thought you were attracted to Tenko?! Welp. The only way to find out if you're actually attracted to 'The amazing Himiko' is to go to her show.

Well.. you were already planning on going, but you know what you mean!

Saturday comes faster than you anticipate, and you already find yourself in the school gymnasium where the magic show was being held. You walk in and see at least a small group of people in some chairs. You take a seat and like the others wait for the show to begin.

After about 5 minutes, the same girl on the flyer appears on a small stage. She gives an introduction speech and the show begins. She actually performs some really cool tricks!

After the show, everyone else leaves, but you figured right now was better than ever to confront Tenko. And now that you knew you seemed to have a crush on this Himiko girl, might as well talk to them both.

So you walk over to them and introduce yourself.

"Uh, hey, my name is y/n. I just wanted to say that that was really impressive!"

"Nyeh? You really think so?"

"Heck yeah!"

After that, you started talking with the two in the halls, going to lunch together, then outside of school, and soon enough, you three would all hang out often.

Tonight was movie night.

You were so excited, you could barely sit still in your seat during your classes. When lunch came, you noticed Tenko wasnt there.

"Hey Himiko, where's Tenko?"

"Nyeh? Oh, she's sick."

Sick? On movie night? Would it be canceled?

You ask Himiko if movie night is canceled, hoping it's not, as it was the only thing you were looking foward to today.

"Well, I thought we should let her get better and reschedule, but Tenko said she was fine, and that if it got worse, she would reschedule."

Oh thank heavens.

After school, you and Himiko walk to Tenko's house together, which is where you three decided to have movie night tonight. You two walk in and see Tenko on her couch, seemingly half asleep.

"Tenko?"

"Huh..? Oh!"

She immediately jolts up after realizing it's you two.

"Sorry theres no snacks, I'll go get some."

She gets up and slowly walks to the kitchen as you two walk in and close the door. You stop Tenko before she reaches the kitchen.

"You sit down. I'll handle the snacks."

"But-"

"No buts. You're sick. Now go, sit."

You turn Tenko around and lightly push her towards the couch. She complies and sits down next to Himiko, who begins talking to her. You begin making snacks. Popcorn, some drinks, etc., plus some soup for Tenko. (It was canned, so you weren't sure if it was actually gonna do anything, but the gesture was still there.)

After you're done making snacks, you sit down next to Himiko. You realize Tenko had gotten up. You look around a little trying to see where she went, when you suddenly see Tenko headed straight for you two with a giant blanket. You barely have time to react before Tenko tackles you both, hugging you close.

Tenko begins laughing and you two join her. Once you three get settled in the blanket on the couch, you begin to pick out a movie.

You three decide on watching the classic, A Nightmare On Elm Street. After you three watch that, you kinda just put on a cheesy romance film so you can just relax.

You three end up snuggling up close and falling asleep. Before you fell asleep, you had a thought about how nice this was, and how you wish it could last forever. After you fell asleep, you had an amazing dream where all three of you were just huddled close and sitting peacefully in a field.

Then, Himiko kisses you.

You immediately shoot awake, your face going red. As you begin to calm down, you start to think about it.

You absolutely had feelings for both of them.

You didnt wanna choose between them though...

Was there a way to..?

You doubted it.

But the thought just kept appearing. It had literally been two days and you kept wondering.

Alright, that's enough.

As soon as you got home, you got onto your computer to do some research.

It only takes you a few minutes to find out about polyamorous relationships. You do some deeper digging for about an hour before coming to the conclusion that you think you want to be in a polyamorous relationship with the two people you love the most.

But would they agree on it?

You hoped so, especially since the two had known eachother for longer than you had known them.

You decided to wait until your next hangout to ask them. Luckily, the next hangout was at your house, so you decide to do something special.

You three were supposed to have a study session together and then have a sleepover.

So you decide to add a few things you hope mix all three of your personalities and interests.

You three had given eachother access to each others music playlists, so you decide to take a bunch of songs from all of your playlists and put them into one special playlist. You even add in a few songs that just remind you of the three of you.

You buy some magic supplies that Himiko particularly likes, and you also grab a spare yoga mat you have so you can make some padding for Tenko to practice some of her moves on. You had also added a few things you liked.

You had also decided to buy a little projector that projects a galaxy onto the ceiling as if you were stargazing outside. The galaxy even moved as if it were the real sky! A few shooting stars pop up as well at some points.

And to top it all off, you had bought everyone's favorite snacks.

*Knock, knock, knock*

Perfect.

You answer the door and see two beautiful smiling faces that you adored.

"Come on in!"

You three complete your study session in about three hours, with Himiko almost falling asleep about four times.

At this rate you were afraid Himiko wasnt even gonna stay awake long enough for your confession.

They were also a little shocked by the special playlist.

"Who's music are we gonna play for this session?"

"Well actually, I made a special playlist with a mix of our songs on it, if you'd like to play it."

"Woah, really y/n? Of course we're gonna play it! You worked hard on it afterall!"

You play it, and you find its actually really nice to have a mix of songs you all love.

After that, you three head to your room for the sleepover part of your hangout.

You tell the two about your setup of activities and they both smile.

"Wow y/n, you really did a lot for this hangout!"

"Yeah.. just felt like doing something special today."

"Well me and Himiko really appreciate it!"

Tenko then grabs you and Himiko and hugs the two of you close.

You feel your heart stop and your face grow red.

Oh my god they're sO CUTE-

You three each do separate activities and show off for a few hours while eating snacks. Himiko didnt even seem to be tired, so you hoped she would last until your confession.

After you three show off to eachother, you all lie down and you turn on the little projector, to which you smile.

Perfect.

This is perfect.

"Hey, are you guys still awake?"

"Yep."

"Mhmm."

"I wanted to ask you guys something really important."

Tenko sits up.

"Yeah of course, what's up?"

Your heart begins racing faster than Usain Bolt and you can feel your face grow as red as an apple, and you are so glad the other two cant see you right now.

"I- er- uh..."

You sit up as well.

"I... like you guys.."

You barely whisper it, but they seem to hear you.

Himiko sits up surprisingly quick and you can see Tenko go wide eyed.

"Huh?"

"Wha?!"

You get up and turn the light on so you can see their faces.

Tenko is indeed wide eyed and her face looks like someone had painted it red.

Himiko is also wide eyed and almost as red as her hair.

"Are.. are you serious y/n?"

"Yes. One hundred percent."

"Well.. I think I like you too. I just never really wanted to acknowledge it.."

"Really?"

"Yeah.."

"Himiko?"

"Nyeh.. I uh.. I like you too.."

So that part went well.

Now for the bigger question.

"Do you guys wanna.. be in a polyamorous relationship?"

...

Both of them seemed to grow confused.

"I'm sorry for asking, that was kinda sudden!"

Tenko gets up and walks towards you.

She has a soft smile on her still flushed face.

"We have no idea what that means y/n."

"Oh."

You sit back down and end up explaining what a polyamorous relationship is, and throughout it you can feel your face get warmer, and you can see the same happening to Himiko and Tenko.

After you're done explaining, the room is silent, but all of you were extremely red.

"Sooo..."

"I agree."

Tenko said that and you looked up to see her looking at you with the same soft smile.

You loved that smile.

She took both of your hands into hers.

"I really do like- no- love, both of you. I've honestly had a crush on Himiko for the longest time. I just couldn't bring myself to say anything like y/n. But.. now that you're both here, my life truly is complete."

Wow. You had always suspected Tenko had a thing for Himiko.

"Nyeh.. I swear, if you two get any cuter, I'm gonna kiss you."

You turn around to look at Himiko who was smiling.

"I love you both as well."

You're heart flutters at this.

The two people you loved the most were now your lovers.

Lovers. Heh. You never thought this dream would come true.

Himiko did in fact kiss you two, and you both kissed her back. It was really cute, but clearly none of you knew how to kiss.

[staticscreenwriting]

All you have to be is here - Part 4

Synopsis: Billy has fucked up and has to do 60 days of community service at a home for troubled kids and youth. Working with the kids there makes him learn a lot about himself. Also there’s a girl there his age who’s smile is phenomenal and who is way too nice to him.

I guess I should mention there’s a lot of angst in this. Talk of substance abuse later on, physical abuse, emotional abuse. All that kind of gnarly real life stuff. It deals with kids and teens struggling with a a shitty family life so be aware of that.

Part 4 of ?

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3

Also this chapter was partially inspired by this post  by @sinfulserpents about Billy playing piano. Credit where credit is due.

[additional note: I am German. Sometimes I get the tense wrong or make mistakes. I am useless when it comes to punctuation. Go easy on me, please.  I’ll make a header image at some point.]

I never really ever felt so adored before Never really ever felt this type of vulnerable Don’t have to hide, don’t have to fear All you have to be is here Never really ever felt so adored before And I said I wanna feel like this forever Even if forever’s just for now We’re on fire, let us burn As the outside world, it turns We are here and alive In our corner of time Forevermore

Hawkins seems to be caught under a heavy blanket of thick gray clouds. Rain is thumping down on the roof of Billy’s car, drumming along to the song coming from his car radio. 

This weather makes Billy miss the California sun extra hard. It just all seems even more dull and boring and — grey. 

He drives along the narrow roads of the town flanked by trees left and right. The therapy session as ended just a few minutes ago though he doesn’t particularly want to go home just yet. It’s saturday which means Neil is home which means all there is for Billy is yelling and looks of utter disgust thrown his way. And though he’s used to it all, he takes the long way home. 

The camaro is his safe place. It feels more like a home than his actual home ever did. It’s solely his. It’s so much more than just a status symbol, it’s his escape. Whenever things at his house get too loud, too much, too hard to handle, he just gets in his car and drives. As far and as long as he can. Far away from the bullshit and the hurt and the toxicity of one Neil Hargrove.

The silhouette of a person appearing in front of him, walking slowly along the side of the road makes him slow down a little. It’s a woman — no, it’s a girl, dragging a large duffle bag. 

Everything inside of Billy screams at him to ignore it. To let this be someone else’s problem. To just keep driving. Keep driving.

As he gets closer though, he catches a glimpse of the girl’s face and suddenly it’s not just a stranger anymore. It’s someone that he kind of knows. Someone that he’s talked to before. It’s someone he’s well aware can use all the help she can possibly get.

So he slows down and comes to a stop beside her.

“ Hey, hey uh — “ fuck what was her name again “ — Alex ? “ 

When she looks up at him, it becomes abundantly clear that she’s been crying. Even with the rain pouring down on her, soaking her down to her bones, there’s no doubt in his mind that she’s been crying. He knows what crying girls look like, seen the red in his mother’s eyes one too many times. She always tried to hide it, play it off as if it was nothing. Hay fever, stress, a sad movie she’d seen. It was always something else but never the truth. Billy used to wonder if she was telling those lies to convince him or herself.

There’s something else about Alex that looks familiar though and it makes Billy’s blood boil. A big bruise colors the side of her cheek in hues of blues and purples. 

“ B — Billy ? “ 

“ Where are you going ? “ he asks through the open window, hoping to god that the raindrops finding their way inside the car won't ruin his seats too much.

She sniffles then looks around as if trying to find the right words floating through the air around her. “ Wherever this road leads, I guess “ 

“ You guess ? Hey aren’t you supposed to be back at home ? “ 

“ HHTCY ? Yeah. But I — I can’t go back now. “ 

“ And why’s that ? “ 

“ None of your business ! “ he can see the tears rising again as she snaps at him. Her hands curl up into fists, gripping tightly to the handle of her duffle bag. 

“ C’mon Alex, get in the car. “ 

“ I can’t go home ! “ 

“ I’m not taking you there! “ 

She hesitates for a moment. When he looks back at him, her eyes lock with his and there’s a silent question in them. He knows the emotions running through her, knows them all too well. They’re ever present in him. Wherever he goes, whatever he does.

She asks if she can trust him. Asks herself more than she asks him. Billy can’t blame her for that. 

“ I promise. “ 

Billy doesn’t make a lot of promises but the one he does make, he wholeheartedly intends to keep. There’s no room in his life for fake promises, he’s been on the receiving end of far too many of those. 

“ I promise to protect you. “ 

“ I promise, we’ll be out of here one day. “ 

“ I promise I’ll be back soon. “ 

They all mean shit and in the end they hurt far more than the truth ever could.

“ I promise, Alex. I don’t break my promises. “ 

He doesn’t know why it suddenly become so important to him to get this girl out of the rain and bring her someplace safe but it does. Maybe it’s because he’s growing soft. Or maybe it’s because he knows the pain she’s feeling, the sadness, the anger. 

Maybe it’s because in that moment she reminds him all too much of himself.

“ Okay. Thank you. “ her words are but a whisper as she walks around the car and slumps down on the passenger seat. 

If this was any other day, Billy would be complaining about her wet clothes against his precious leather seats and her dirty boots propped up against the door. He doesn’t though. Because it isn’t another day. It’s this moment and this lonely broken girl. 

So he swallows his pride, keeps his mouth shut, and drives.

                              “ Holy shit “ 

“ Nice to see you too. “ 

(Y/N) stands by her front door only in a pair of short pajama shorts and an oversized sweater. Her hair is piled on top of her head and yesterday’s makeup is still smudged around her eyes. Earlier, Billy had left before she had even gotten up but seeing her in all her post party glory, he wishes he hadn’t. 

“ I uh — what are you guys doing here ? “ 

“ Can we come in ? “ Billy asks, motioning his head towards a still completely soaked Alex who timidly hides behind his frame.

“ Oh yeah, sure. Please. Alex let me get you a change of clothes and some towels. “ 

As (Y/N) hurries Alex into her bedroom, Billy walks towards the fridge, takes out two cans of Doctor Pepper and sits down on the couch. It’s only the second time he’s been here but it feels weirdly familiar, like he’s been here a thousand times before. He feels comfortable. He feels safe. And maybe that’s why he’s brought Alex here. To make her feel as secure as he does whenever he’s around (Y/N). 

She radiates a warmth he’s never encountered in another person ever before. Not even his mom on good days. It’s like a little ray of California sun captured in a person.

How awfully cheesy.

When the girls return he hands one of the cans to Alex then opens his as she sits down next to him. 

He doesn’t miss the way (Y/N) smirks as she watches him act like this is his home, giving out drinks and making himself comfortable on her couch.

“ So, can I finally ask what’s going on ? “ (Y/N) asks and for a moment no one answers. That is until Billy realizes she’s looking at him, asking him for an answer.

“ Don’t look at me. “ 

“ Well you brought her here. “ 

“ Because I made a promise. “ 

“ Guys, I’m right here, you know ? “ Alex chimes up, taking part in the conversation for the first time since they arrived. As she lifts her head and the hair shifts off of her face, (Y/N) catches sight of the bruise.

“ Oh. “ 

“ It’s nothing. “ 

Oh it all sounds so familiar. He knows those words too well, sure they’ve left his mouth many times before. It’s nothing. It isn’t though. It’s everything.

“ That’s not nothing, Alex “ (Y/N) chimes up, softly taking the girls hands into hers “ what happened ? “ 

“ It doesn’t matter. “ 

But it does matter. It matters a whole lot.

“ Alex, someone hurt you. We have to talk about this. “ (Y/N) tries again.

“ No we don’t ! “ Alex yells, ripping  her hands out of (Y/N)’s “ because if I tell you, you will tell Lydia. Then I won’t be allowed to see my mom anymore and I — I miss her. But I know she won’t stop seeing Kyle so — I promise, it’s nothing. “ 

There’s tears now. There used to be for Billy when he was younger. They made things worse though. Neil doesn’t do well with crying, especially crying boys, especially his crying son. Billy hasn’t cried in a long time. At least not for anyone to see. 

In private, that’s a whole different story.

“ Alex, if I promise you that you will still get to see your mom, will you tell me what happened ? “ 

To his surprise, Alex glances towards Billy, sends him another silent question. Do we trust (Y/N) ? 

Billy nods. He trust her more than pretty much anyone else in his life right now. It fucking scares him.

“ Kyle is my mom’s new boyfriend. He lives with her, I guess. Came home this morning and didn’t like that I was there. That mom and I had fun, kept laughing through his tv show. He smacked me right in the face, told me I was too loud. And mom — mom just stood there. Didn’t do nothing. She just watched, looked at the ground. Then told me to leave. She chose him over me and she will chose him over me any other time too. I miss her though, I want to see her. I do. “ 

Billy’s blood is boiling again, sending hot shivers down his back. He’s pretty sure his lip is drawing blood by how hard he has to bite down on it not to get up and find the guy. Make him feel just as small and helpless and he did this girl. She’s a little girl. You don’t smack around girls, ever. And her mother? God, what a bitch. You’re supposed to love your kid, protect them. Fight their fights for them. 

“ Alex, I need to tell Lydia what happened but I pro — “ 

“ You can’t ! They won’t let me see mom again. “ 

“ I promise you they will. It just won’t be overnight and she won’t get to take you home but you will get to go places together and she will get to come see you. I promise. I promise. “ 

The girl is in her arms in the matter of seconds, holding on to her as if all depends on it, as if she’s the only thing keeping her afloat. Billy thinks that maybe that’s how he’s feeling too. 

He gets up slowly and walks towards the kitchen area, throwing his can in the trash and opening the freezer. “ Knew it. “ 

As he sits back down next to Alex, he holds out a pack of peas, wrapped in a kitchen towel.

“ huh ? “ 

“ Hold them to your bruise, cools it down. The peas work better than anything else cause they take the shape of your face better. Some girl once told me that and she was absolutely right. “ Billy explains and throws (Y/N) a wink as she glances at him over Alex’s head.

As she smiles back at him, he feel it again. That one ray of California sun.

                              Two hours, a lot of tears and several episodes of Happy Days later, Alex is fast asleep on the couch, Luke the cat happily resting on top of her.

The rain has stopped and Billy has resorted to the tiny little balcony that looks out into the woods. It feels tranquil here, almost like time stops. Though his insides are a whole nother story. Fury is still brewing inside him only waiting for the inevitable eruption. 

He’s used to swallowing his anger when it’s about him. He’s used to ignoring the facts that he shouldn’t be in the situation he’s in. So fucking used to being miserable all the times. So much so that at this point it’s become his default. 

It’s a different story when it happens to someone else though. He can’t just stand there and pretend like this is okay. Like her mother isn’t a full on trash person for not protecting her daughter, for choosing some dude’s micro dick over her own flesh and blood. And the guy ? He doesn’t even want to think about him. Thinking too much about it would only fuel the fire that’s already threatening to burn everything to the ground.

The balcony doors slide open then close again. Billy doesn’t need to turn around to know who comes to stand beside him. She brings a warmth wherever she goes. 

For a moment they don’t speak, just soaking up the fresh air still thick with a promise of more rain to come. It’s not cold out yet but the wind sends a chill down (Y/N)’s skin and makes her move just a little closer towards Billy so that her arm just merely brushes his.

Billy takes one last drag from his cigarette before he stubbs it out and throws it down over the railing. 

“ Sorry I didn’t warn you. I just — she didn’t want to go home and I didn’t know where to bring her. “ 

His voice is deep and husky and he tries to hide his emotions but he knows they’re shining through. 

“ Don’t apologize. You did the right thing ! “ 

“ Yeah ? “ he turns to face her. There’s absolutely no uncertainty in her eyes. None. It’s something he appreciates about her. (Y/N) doesn’t do things half-assed. No half assed hugs. No half assed friendships. No half assed caring. No uncertainty. 

Billy however, feels awfully uncertain about — well everything. 

“ Obviously, Billy. You got her out of a shitty situation and you did what was right. You made her a promise and you kept it. You made her trust you and you didn’t break her trust. What you did was right ! What you did was very sweet . “ 

Billy scoffs out a humorless laugh “ sweet huh? Billy Hargrove, local asshole, doing the right thing for once in his life. Shout it from the rooftops, people. Put it on the front page, it doesn’t happen much. “ 

“ Would you stop “ 

“ It’s true, (Y/N). I fuck everything up I — I’m gonna fuck this up at some point sooner or later “ he says and motions between them two “ I haven’t yet but I will, I just know it. “ 

“ Is that really what you think ? “ (Y/N) questions, softly placing her hand on Billy’s arm though he quickly pulls away, lunging into another rant. 

“ It’s what I do, (Y/N). I almost fucked it up earlier. When she told us what happened, I wanted to punch something. The guy, preferably. I wanted to destroy something. I’m angry. All the time. All the time, (Y/N), and that just put a cherry on top. She’s just a kid. Who punches a kid ? And for what ? For laughing ? For doing what kids do, what they should be allowed to do. It just won’t make sense. She’s a little girl, for fucks sake. And her mother ? Just stands there and watches. She knows what happens. She knows. “ 

And suddenly it’s not about the girl on the couch anymore. 

“ She knows so why did she leave ? It must be because I fuck things up. It must be. There’s no way. There’s just no way she — “ 

He doesn’t finish the sentence. He can’t. His words become a blubbering mess as the tears cloud his vision. Billy Hargrove hasn’t cried to anyone but his pillow in what feels like forever. Because there was no one there who would’ve cared. To not judge him for it or make him feel less manly. All that ever came with tears was more anger, more resentment, more pain.

It’s different now though because as soon as the first tear falls, he’s engulfed by a warmth he hasn’t felt in so long. He buries his head in the crook of (Y/N) neck, her hair sheltering him from the world. She’s warm and soft and comfortable. Crying doesn’t make him feel vulnerable or angry. It doesn’t scare him. It’s cathartic. 

“ You’re gonna be okay, Billy. “ (Y/N) says and pulls away slightly as his tears start to slow down.

He doesn’t want to be okay though. He wants to be good. He wants to be grand. 

As she takes his face in between her hands and brushes back some of his hair, he can see her eyes are glossed over. The emotions he’s feeling, she’s feeling too. Feeling with him. He doesn’t think anyone has cared this much in a long time.

She smiles again, so soft, so gentle, it’s hardly a smile at all. And yet, he thinks right then, that maybe it’s not just one ray of sunlight, maybe it’s the entire sun. 

                              They bring Alex home later that day but Billy comes back to (Y/N)’s place. You don’t just cry to someone about your fucked up childhood and then leave. There’s no manual for it but Billy is fairly sure that’s not how this works.

He stays until Sunday afternoon, eating pizzas and watching stupid tv shows. He watches her do her hair, listens to her sing, just experiences her day to day life and something in him changes. He wishes he could have this. A home that doesn’t feel like a prison. A place where he can be himself. Free. Safe. Happy. 

When he leaves, neither of them mentions that moment on the balcony. Some things you don’t need to say, to talk about. Some things you just feel.

                              It’s monday after school when Billy arrives back at HHTCY. (Y/N) isn’t there yet so he changes into his “uniform” and checks his schedule for where exactly he has to be to help set up.

“ Room 322 “ 

It’s not a room he’s familiar with but what he does know, is that it’s located in the newer section of the place. There’s a gym there too and an auditorium for when they have little festivals or the kids put on plays. 

Soon enough Billy finds himself pushing open the doors to room 322. It’s a large room and ar first all he notices is a few rows of chairs on one side of the room, that is until he walks inside a little further. At the other end of the room, there’s all kinds of instruments. A drumset sits in the corner, several guitars are resting against the wall, flutes and clarinets and trombones are placed neatly in a shelf.

And then there’s the piano.

It’s stuck right in the middle of the room surrounded by all the other instruments on one side and the chairs on the other. Made from a dark wood it shines in the harsh light of the ceiling lamp.

As Billy walks closer, memories from his childhood pop up like ghosts in a christmas movie. Taunting him with what once was. Teasing him with what could have been. What could still be.

He remembers one time when he was maybe 7 and dad had a proper job for a while. They had moved to a really nice house that had big sliding windows leading out onto the beach and the ocean. Mom was happy then. Probably happier than he’d ever seen her. Before and after.

She had a piano there and she always played it. Always. She kept the windows open and let Billy play by the water. He could hear her music all the way down to the beach. 

He loved to watch her play. There was a smile in the corner of her lips whenever she played. A secret smile reserved for only the music. Her fingers moved over the keys so elegantly. Like they were dancing.

Billy loved to watch and he loved to listen. So much so, that he memorized her exact movements. Memorized each small little gesture. He knew just by watching and listening, what keys to press at what time to create which sound. 

Billy Hargrove taught himself to play piano by ear without even knowing or realizing it. Solely and purely to be able to remember the magic his mother brought to those days at the beach when things were happy and the secret smile was still there in the corner of her lips.

They didn’t live there for very long and things got way worse after that and the piano was sold to put food on the table and the secret smile was gone and never seen again.

Slowly his feet drag him towards the instrument, like he has no real control over them. His mom always had a certain gift of creating magic in a moment with just pushing down a few keys on the piano. She captured all the best things about life in one short melody. 

Billy despises his dad for taking that away from her. For taking away the magic and the smile. For making her leave. 

When he sits down by the piano, Billy closes his eyes and tries to remember the days of summer. Tries to remember sitting by the open window and watching his mom play. Play and smile. He tries to remember the sound of the songs and the movements of her fingers. 

It feels like it happened just yesterday and in another life altogether.

His fingers begin to move along the keys trying to remember, trying so hard to recall. 

And before he knows what happens really, he plays. A soft melody echoes around the room and for a fleeting moment it feels like he succeeds in capturing the magic just the way his mother did. 

Only he’s still Billy Hargrove. Local asshole. Broken boy with daddy and mommy issues who always fucks things up for everyone. There’s no magic in him. Maybe there used to be when he was a kid with big blue eyes and an imagination and an innocent heart. 

His fingers stop moving and he lifts his head and opens his eyes, expecting to find a big empty room void of all magic.

Only he doesn’t. 

He’s met with a pair of eyes sparkling at him and that one of a kind sunshine smile that he’s grown so fucking fond of in the last few days.

Her eyes are so soft and kind and there’s no judgement in them and yet Billy feels insanely insecure. He’s never showed this to anyone. Never let anyone but his mom know that he was able to play.

It feels more intimate than sex ever did. This is stripping down on a whole new level.

“ I uh — sorry I didn’t — I “ he doesn’t really know what to say. 

“ Don’t apologize. That was amazing. I didn’t know you could play. “ 

Truth be told, until just then Billy believed he had forgotten how to do it. And really, he can’t play he just mimics what his mom used to do. All theory, that’s completely lost on him. He just knows how to do the songs his mom used to play. Put a sheet of music in front of him and he’s hopeless.

“ I only know a few songs. The ones I heard as a kid. “ 

“ Heard ? You play this by ear ? “ 

He shrugs “ — and eyes I guess. Watched my mom do it. “ 

“ That’s incredible Billy. Can you — can you play another one ? “ 

Her voice has never been so soft with him, as if she’s afraid of breaking him should she talk any louder. And truth be told she just might. 

There’s a song his mom always used to play, it’s hidden in the corner of Billy’s mind but he knows he can play it. Remembers it so vividly. It was in some cheesy Audrey Hepburn movie his mom made him watch with her one day. From the moment she heard that song she was enchanted by it, tried to buy ever cover version she could find on vinyl and made it her mission to learn how to play it on piano.

He didn’t like the Audrey version all that much. The one his mom played though, he loved that one. Loves it. Present tense.

So he closes his eyes again and plays, he’s rusty at first but soon enough his fingers glide along the keys creating music. Creating magic, maybe ? 

He knows there is magic though, when a voice starts to sing along. It’s soft and quiet at first but as the song continues she seems to get more comfortable. More sure of herself. 

Billy feels that in that moment when she’s sitting down beside him on the piano bench, singing along to the song he’s playing for her, the song his mom used to play, that magic is present in all of it. There’s enchantment in the way she softly touches his shoulder. How she giggles when she doesn’t hit the note just right. How she makes him feel so effortlessly at home right there with her. Making music. Making magic.

The song ends and Billy turns to her then opens his eyes and oh god she’s so close. She’s so close he can see the different colored specks in her eyes creating one pool of kindness and wonder. He can feel the tip of her nose against his and her breath on his skin.

There’s so much he wants to say and yet no words would ever suffice. 

The words of the song keep echoing in his head, louder and louder with each heartbeat, each breath mingling, each soft touch of her fingers against his shoulder. 

“ Two drifters off to see the world. “ 

“ (Y/N) — “ he says, trying to even his breath, calm his heart.

“ Hmm ? “ 

“ When’s your birthday ? “ 

“ Friday three weeks from now “ 

He nods then leans in closer, and closer. 

Only to pull away when the heavy doors open and a gaggle of kids rush into the room.

And the moment is gone. 

And the magic is gone. 

Only it’s still there. Hidden in the corner of his lips, a secret smile meant just for her. 

                              Taglist:

@babygal-babygal / @anxiousamandapanda / @imjusthereforsupernatural / @chhhcherybomb / @tomarisela / @noodlenerd101 / @xxcxrolinexx

[christinamarisolhartel]

You & Depression

Hi friends whoever reads this... I have been struggling to find myself again. Currently I just got out of the hospital ( I will not tell sorry ) if you want to only know that sorry then do not read any further. Alright, right now i am tearing up by listening to the song “Feeling Whitney by Post Malone” I am realizing how much I have been battling with my depression the past years. I have had so many rough friendships and relationships due to my sadness. I have felt like depression defines who I am but I am realizing it does not. Some moments i will truly love myself and some I will truly hate myself. As you can probably see (hopefully) I am bipolar. Anyways, what i really want to talk about is my header I have up there in my title box. I am in a relationship. I love him so so so much, it is unbelievable how much i adore this man. Although, he is nothing like any my other relationships i have had with past guys. This guy helps me when I crumble, fumble, and stumble. I do not know how bless I am to have a guy like that in my life right now. Recently I did something very hard to see but he watched and saved my life. This guy sees me more than a broken depressed young woman. I don’t know how to repay him in any way. We both have struggled in life where many people have walked over us before. The day we met on the top of the parking garage I knew he was the one for me on the spot light. I have never met anyone in person especially at first sight in those cheesy romance movies. Usually, I have always met guys through social media but this guy I met was something different. Before him I was in a rough spot... I got out of an abusive relationship and another scary relationship after that. I thought I could never trust to date anyone ever again but the guy I met changed my whole perspective. Ever since we met we would never be separated. We always wanted to be together. At first I was a bit selfish and not always sober-straight minded and didn’t have the best influences around me but he changed that for me to see how I should be treated. We have been dating for 9 months now and i am so shocked someone has actually stayed with me this long because i am very hard to get along with. Unfortunately my depression has been taking over my mind and I have almost been ending our relationship because of it. I just want to put this out there never let your saddest thoughts destroy something you care and love for someone. Well, I hope you enjoyed this. He is forever my shinning moon.We do not like the sun (I will write about that another time).

[baskervilleshund]

4,5 years of Gotham in my life♥

Wow my emotions these last days. I’m not much of a text poster on this site but when Gotham ended I really felt I wanted to write this!

Gotham has been a huge part of my life for so long now. 4 years and 7 months since the first episode aired, that’s some time gosh. And so much has happened during this journey! I just wanna mention some memorable things during these years. Like remember the pre-s02x09 excitement?? And other stuffs, ah here we go!

The first trailer made me SO EXCITE, I had wanted more batman villains content for years since I have always found the batman villains squad so interesting and good and unique characters, there is so much to explore here! And so the Gotham trailer came and I just OH MY GOD this is exactly what I want!! And so it started and it was amazing. My first love was Ed, it took him his first scene in ep1 to make me go totally THIS IS MY FAV! More eps went on and I required more Ed content. But then Oswald slowly grew on me kinda out of nowhere like I wasn’t expecting it. And when amazing ep7 aired it just hit down on me from the sky, like it does when I know I got a new obsession/fandom. Oswald’s amazing scenes in ep7 and I went ”Okay this is it, I’M DEEP INTO THIS NOW AND I LOVE IT!”. In exactly THIS↓ scene/moment I basically said those words out loud and realized this is my life now, ugh also one of my fav looks I miss the bangs:

Shortly after ep7 I started shipping Nygmobblepot, since we knew who these characters were and who they will end up being it made SO much sense in this show, they were like the two familiar main villains in kinda the same age and I also loved them both so I mean it was obvious for me. Man in the beginning we were so very few in the shipping Nygmob pond, in the OCEAN of Gobblepot. It was a bit of a struggle sometimes, ppl wrote hate on my Nygmob posts n stuff shrug. And I just didn’t get how not more ppl could see it? It would make more sense if this were new characters like they hadn’t even met but since we knew this is Riddler and Penguin it just was fate for them to cross paths soon enough! We needed Nygmob content! I started making tons of my own AU:s since if the show wouldn’t give us content I would do it.

BUT we had Robin & Cory with us! Reminder that Cory invented the shipname after 5 minutes and Robin & Cory’s amazing twitter activity during s1 especially I will always remember as a fav. Remember when they we’re so into roleplaying Nygmob and spoke how Ed & Os loved each other and all sorts of things. All about going to The Foxglove together and stuff. Ugh it was amazing, I miss their interactions.  

In this very smol pond is when one day my shining star @conscience-killer (aka okimi79)  approached me, with this ♥ ”Sometimes I feel we’re the only Nygmobblepot shippers in the world…well apart from Robin and Cory. We should have a secret handshake or something.”

And man did we get a secret handshake! Gosh MY DEAR OKIMI! That I up til this day since then has spoken with like everyday for 4,5 years, you are amazing ♥ And in that time of so few shippers it felt even more special, to have  someone else out there as obsessed as me. I’m so grateful we found each other at exactly that time and we’ve been through so much on this journey ♥.

When Nygmob in spring finally had their first scene it was so amazing and I have no idea how many times I have watched that scene to this day, and also with that the ship grew a bit yas!!

Let’s jump forward a bit. NYC Comic Con 2015 in fall, one of my fav Robin & Cory cons/interview times! Because the legendary ep 2x9 was soon upon us and OMG remember how excite they were in those interviews!?! And THEN, that fkn night THE episode aired. I couldn’t believe it was real, it was EVERYTHING we had dreamed of!!! SO MUCH NYGMOB CONTENT and so in character and gosh. Man their season 2 relationship is just so beautiful and I love it til this day and 2x9 is forever my favorite episode because it meant EVERYTHING for us shippers and more people also started seeing the connection between Nygmob and so more ppl started to make content and join in!

A time after another shining star came into my life, @constant-sinner (aka (riddlelvr) ♥ This amazing person and artist! And together with her and okimi I am part of the best trash family of three and I can’t believe I’ve been a mom (yet i’m the youngest but i’m fashion fur coat mom okay) to these trash sinners for like 4 years. ♥

Okay but remember all INSANE SMAYLOR CONTENT BEFORE SEASON 3!!? Man that was also one of the best times I had during these years. God they were so excite for their relationship in s3 and WEREN’T WE ALL! And omg Comic Con. I had my fkn header for 3 years soon lol, man that moment I remember seeing the signing booth stream all casual and Robin & Cory goes “Smaaylor!! Nygmobblepot!!! ;))” And I’m just wait WHUT omg. Their press tours with Sean is something I’ll miss even more than the episodes, always such a joy seeing those three together!

And when season 3 started it was just insane. To be honest how their relationship grew in s3 that’s how I expected it to grow after their meeting in s1, it made sense already back then. Ed admiring Oswald and sneaking to his club and Oswald would be a huge part of Ed’s journey to become the Riddler but ah well, I did my best with my AU:s back then!

And then s3 came and Gotham EXPLODED and I had no idea where all million ppl suddenly came from lol. It became huge. But since it still feels kinda close to this day (2,5 yrs though man), my most nostalgic feels will always be over s1-2 so I’m not gonna write so much about the season 3-5 times in this text. My closest to heart milestones is during the first years and now that I’ve seen all episodes I still think season 1 is the best overall, except the lack of Nygmob content ofc ;)

I’ve not just felt love for the show ofc, the show isn’t perfect. There has been serious flaws and bad writing and plot drops. Tbh s4 I just felt so NOPE about? 22 eps of waste…Like Ed’s plot for example like he barley had his own plot what happened? And we also have the q*eerbait Nygmob issue obviously. I have also felt the show has been a bit childish being -helloo- GOTHAM city we’re talking about? I think it would have been much better off with a MA-rating tbh to properly tell certain stories. After s4 though I’m glad in s5 Nygmob finally got some proper screen time being together and in character!! Like that’s how their relationship should have been from beginning of season 4, or season 1 if u ask me lol but ya know!

BUT I LOVE THIS SHOW, the amazing actors and characters and scenery and costumes!! Ed, Oswald, Robin & Cory will ofc always have the most special place in my heart ♥ The Nygmob journey in the show has meant so much to me to follow it from day one and I never knew how much this show would mean to me when I started back in the day.

This show. And not just the show itself but my journey and life around it!!? So much has happened. For one example I had made a bit of gifs before but Gotham really got me into gif making, and it’s been a joy sharing content and my Nygmob AU will always be among my most fun things I’ve done, it was like if they ain’t gonna give us enough content I WILL. It’s a fun way of gif making to manip scenes to create something new! And today I still enjoy making gifs, as you probably know heh. Thanks so much for all nice comments and reblogs through all these years ya’ll!! It warms my heart and I love to read reblog tags! 

I have been at con and got to meet Robin, enjoyed so many interviews and promos, chatted with wonderful people. Every Friday night I have been up in my Europe timezone at 2am to live watch the show, the workdays after has been a bit of a struggle of being tired with going to bed like 5am lol but man it’s been so nice to follow it when it airs!

Watching together with my dearest @conscience-killer and @constant-sinner . Two of the best that happened to me during these years. These two people that I’ve spoken with like everyday for 4 years! Through Gotham finding two of my dearest friends in my life. Watching the show together and screaming, crying, laughing during this journey, about not just the show but EVERYTHING in life. They also are amazing writers and artists ♥ And also helped me endless times with gif caption when my non-native brain trying to write gif captions at 3am after the episode lol. All my love to you both ♥

THANKS TO ALL AMAZING PEOPLE that impacted me over these years. The cast and nice fandom people! My dearest @conscience-killer and @constant-sinner. And I also wanna mention dear @millicentcordelia and @selene-volturo that are amazing ppl that have been here with me since the very beginning of season 1. And they have always been so down to earth even during the stormiest periods of this show’s existence ♥ I’m so glad we’ve shared this LONG journey!

And also hugs to my dear mutual fandom friends that I’ve shared hours of conversations with over the years. Some of us maybe don’t speak as much nowadays and some of us have gone separate ways with new interests but I hope you know who you all are, regardless if we spoke yesterday or 2015. You have made my fandom time a joy!

I’m actually okay with the show ending now you know. Ofc it’s a bit sad but as I said I felt s4 was kinda stomping around in the same spot and even s5 had some fillers like they didn’t have more to do to push the story forward? The last ep was a nice easter egg wrap up for this LONG journey. And I mean shows live on with fan content, and who knows maybe it will return somehow? But it feels good they told us it would end so I was prepared for this and to say ”goodbye”. But it’s not goodbye because content will continue on this site and I’ll continue re-enjoy this show!

This is 4,5 years. In 2 pages, I could prob write 20 but ah, but i felt I got to to summary the most important things for me over these years ♥. This show and stuff that came with it will always be such a big part of my life, ALL LOVE AND HUGS!

[noshitbarnes]

imagine (Part 1/2)

Header’s mine, don’t fucking take it.

Pairing: Tony Stark x OFC (in part 2)

Summary: Carrie has had visions ever since she was a child, but this time things are different.

Warnings: lots of angst

Word Count: 1,271

Notes: Pairing isn’t in this first part, just the build up! If this doesn’t get a lot of attention, I’m not gonna post the second part just an fyi

Violently jerking awake and gasping for air, Carrie clings to her plum colored sheets. She looks around the room frantically, not sure where she is or if what she just dreamt was real. Once she realizes that she’s in her bedroom— safe at the compound— her muscles relax slightly, despite the vivid vision she just experienced. She unclenches her fists and smoothes the sheets beneath them, patting the cotton lightly she realizes it’s lightly damp, she then touches her shirt— sweat. Groaning in frustration, she angrily throws the blankets off of her and scoots herself to the edge of the bed, letting her feet dangle.

Normally, Carrie’s visions occur while she’s awake, so when they happen while she’s sleeping, it takes her a few moments to decipher if what she saw was a dream or not. Her visions came in flashes, sort of like those old black and white movies, and she feels every emotion, all the pain, but somehow more intense. This vision scared the shit out of her and she desperately wanted it to not come true.

“Miss. Young are you alright?��� FRIDAY asks, causing Carrie to jump slightly at the sound of her voice, “I sense an unusually elevated heart rate, which is not like you at this hour.”

Carrie smiles softly at the AI's slight concern and takes a deep breath, “Um… I think I’m alright FRIDAY, thank you… but can you tell me what time it is?”

“It’s 2 AM,” she answers.

Carrie shakes her head, another sleepless night, typical, “Is anyone else awake? Or I am just that lucky?”

FRIDAY pauses for a moment and then answers, “Mr. Stark is awake in his lab and Captain Rogers is in the gym.”

Of course they’re both awake, “Ok, thank you."

Carrie takes a moment to steady herself at the edge of her bed before getting up and making her way to her bathroom. She splashes some cold water on her face, hoping that would make her feel a bit better. It didn’t. She stares down into the sink, watching as the water flows down the sides of the sink, into the drain, and disappears. Sighing, she looks back up into the mirror at her reflection. Her eyes were sunken in, with dark circles under them, and her hair was a complete mess. Despite hating the way she currently looks, her appearance wasn’t a priority now. Throwing her hair into a quick ponytail, she whispers to herself, “I have to stop it.”

Carrie had to talk to someone, she had to tell them everything, then they could help her stop it, help save them. Maybe she could finally do something right for once.

Pulling on a nearby Aerosmith hoodie she makes her way down the hall, then down two flights of stairs, her feet already having deciding who she needed to see first. Carrie knew she was going to have to see both Steve and Tony, it’s just, considering the vision, she figured Steve would have a better idea of how to handle telling Tony. Not that Tony and her weren’t close, they were closer than most people, their friendship made more sense than life.

At the end of the long hall, is the gym, there’s a faint light at the bottom of the door, so either Steve left the lights on or he was still there. To Carrie, it seemed like she had been staring at the door forever before she finally got enough courage to turn the doorknob and push it open— thankfully, it didn’t make any noise. Peaking her head around the door she glances around the empty equipment not seeing a super soldier, evidently Steve was on the other side of the room, the part of the room she couldn’t see through the door. 

Carrie doesn’t exactly come to the gym that often, she an Avenger sure, but not exactly on active duty, she mostly stays at the base and helps Dr. Cho and Dr. Banner in the lab. When she gets bored she runs on the treadmill, but not much else, she’s never really been into weightlifting.

Carrie opens the gym door all the way, and gets a better look at the entire room. It’s a typical gym, cardio on one side, weightlifting on the other, and a sparing ring in the middle. While looking around at all the equipment, she sees Steve laying on a bench press, doing reps. She starts to walk up to him, when his voice stops her.

“I’m surprised to actually see you down here, Care.”

Her eyebrows go up, surprised he had any idea it could’ve been her, “Um… how did you know it was me?”

Steve puts the bar back down and sits up, “There’s mirrors, doll,” he smirks and gestures to the mirrors around the room. He notices Carrie's distressed hair and the dark circles under her eyes and stands up quickly, “What’s wrong?”

Having visions has always taken a toll on Carrie’s emotions, so she’s easy to cry, get mad, and sometimes she shuts people out for no reason. Everyone has seen her cry, some are more comfortable with it than others, but no one treats her differently— they all love her. Steve is one that isn’t comfortable with seeing others cry, sure he’s cried, but typically not in front of others. It’s difficult for him to see someone he cares about hurt in a way he can’t fix.

Knowing how uncomfortable Steve is with people crying, Carrie somehow manages to hold back her tears, “Um… I had a vision and I… needed someone to talk too. FRIDAY told me you were awake. I was hoping… you could be that person?”

“Of course,” he walks over and grabs a towel from behind nearby, “I don’t smell the best, so I hope that doesn’t bother you.”

His small joke causes a small smile to form on Carrie’s face and she rolls her eyes, “I don’t care, but thanks for the warning.”

Steve takes the towel to his forehead and then the back of his neck, “Let’s go sit, yeah?”

Carrie nods and follows Steve over to a corner of the gym that’s used for stretching and various floor training. There’s a couple of mats on the floor and a few yoga mats rolled up and set leaning against the wall. Steve takes a seat on one mat and leans his back against the closest wall, Carrie sits adjacent him, legs crossed, hands in her lap. They’re both quiet for a few breathes, neither knowing who should start or what to even say. 

Carrie’s visions are always difficult to talk about, they’re never happy, they always show tragedies, but they don’t always come true— they just show one possible future, in a way they’re a warning. In the years Carrie has been at the compound, tragedies have been averted, but even the Avengers can’t save everyone, and that has always difficult for her; she felt like if she was given this gift, she should have the ability to save everyone. Why else show her these horrible things?

Steve clears his throat, and Carrie opens her eyes that she didn’t realize she shut, “Where do you wanna start?”

Carrie takes a deep breath, “You know I have no problem sharing my visions,” Steve nods slowly, “but this one is different. I’ve never had a close personal attachment to them before, and I’m not sure what that means.”

Steve sits up straighter, suddenly more invested, “What do you mean?”

Tears start to fall down Carrie’s cheeks, slowly, but enough for Steve to take notice, “I watched Tony die."

Tagging some friends: @infinitv-war @lancsnerd @shellhaeds @ironspiderx @beckzorz @moonbeambucky @dan-vers @nasafic @cravingmarvel @crayonbreaker @nerdysuperchick @getbuckylucky @savingstark @tierra-616 @robdowneyjr @caroldaenvers @bigstarkenergy

[raendown]

With NaNo going on I am utterly terrible about remembering to post updates! 

Pairing: MadaraTobirama Word count: 5367 Chapter: 5/9 Rated: T+ Summary: When his brother disappears coming home from town Madara goes looking for him only for both to end up taken prisoner in a castle hidden by magic generations ago. The candelabras talk, the furniture sleeps, and a great white beast hides himself away in the eastern wing. As he uncovers the story behind this place and gets to know the last small group of ‘survivors’ Madara gradually makes a new home here in the least likely of places.

Follow the link or read it under the cut!

KO-FI and commission info in the header!

Chapter 5

“You did not!”

“It was a common pastime when I was young, is it not so anymore? In fact I believe I was the only child in my age group who did not enjoy rolling a hoop with a stick. However, that was mostly due to the fact that I much preferred to sequester myself in the library reading books far above my expected level.” Tobirama’s chest puffed out ever so slightly with pride and Madara laughed again.

“So all the other kids were boring losers playing with sticks and a hoop but you were a nerd. Awesome.” Anticipating the frown of disapproval, Madara hustled a few steps ahead and pretended to inspect an admittedly beautiful vase on a random table, hiding his laughter in admiration for the intricate designs.

Once they finally got past the awkwardness of actually speaking after ignoring each other for several weeks Madara was pleasantly surprised to find an amusing companion in Tobirama. Their first true bonding exercise was avoiding Hashirama together and working as a team to distract and evade, neither wanting to stay and listen to the idiot sobbing melted wax for hours at a time. It took a while to convince Izuna he wasn’t crazy for making friends with the one that trapped them here but after a few days Madara could safely say that he did not regret their burgeoning new friendship. Tobirama was interesting.

“Forgive me if this offends but I am unaware of the current educational standards. Do you or your brother know how to read?”

“We can, yeah. Izuna would rather do other things, although a lot of the time he doesn’t have much choice. There’s not much else to do when you’re lying in bed all day except maybe knit. I like to read though. I was one of the library’s only patrons in our village.” Now it was his turn to fluff up like a peacock. A lot of the villagers never bothered with any education besides caring for their land. Some had no one to teach them, some had no interest. Madara considered himself and his brother lucky that their parents had deigned to pass on a little education to their children. The story had been that the skill was passed down through their family because they were descended from noble stock, something he’d never believed until Kagami oh so casually revealed that it was actually true.

“Shall we visit the library?” Tobirama asked.

“You have a library? Hashirama took me on so many tours around this mountain of a place and not once did I see a library!”

The other shook his head. “My brother was ever bored by reading. His pursuits were more of the physical realm. We were a well-balanced pair in our day, he and I.” His voice took on a melancholy tinge as he trailed off and Madara hopped on the chance to distract. Today was not a day he wanted either of them to start moping.

“Right then, show the way!”

His mock-cheer seemed to draw Tobirama out of whatever cloud he’d been about to shroud himself in and the atmosphere between them remained fairly mellow, the path of their aimless wandering turned aside with purpose to head for the southern wing. When he first explored the castle with Hashirama Madara remembered thinking the southern wing was oddly smaller than the others but now he realized it wasn’t. They had just spent less time exploring those parts because Hashirama didn’t care for them, the sneaky idiot.

Getting anywhere took forever here since the entire building was roughly the size of a village center at its base and several stories tall so the two of them made idle conversation about what games they both played as children to see if there was any commonalities between the changing generations. As it turned out there were a few things they could both recall doing and, ironically enough, they were all the games they’d had to be forced to play along with like hopscotch and spinning tops.

“Ah, here we are,” Tobirama interrupted himself in the middle of a sentence to indicate a set of massive wooden doors that had once been painted a very soft green, though the paint had faded and peeled with no one taking the time to rejuvenate it over the years. They were also several times taller than either of them.

“How in the hell are we supposed to get in there?” Madara demanded. “Either one of those doors probably weighs more than I can move without some kind of pulley system!”

“Yes, very likely, but that is why this is here.”

With that Tobirama reached over and took hold of a secondary handle in the left door that had been cleverly hidden by the old paint job, even move indistinguishable with so much peeling paint drawing the eye everywhere else. As casually as if he opened secret portals all the time Tobirama pulled open a smaller door out of the massive one and turned back to Madara with a smirk that said he knew very well he’d just blown the human’s mind.

Madara had every intention of snapping back with some kind of sassy retort but the moment he stepped through the door his mind was empty of almost everything but awe. He thought back to the library in his village, how he’d always been so proud of himself for reading almost half of the books, and could not help the hysterical bubble of laughter that escaped for believing himself well-read. Every book he’d ever consumed in his life would not have filled a single shelf. The room itself was massive, the number of shelves lining each wall mind-boggling, and the number of trees it would have taken to fill so many books would probably have outnumbered the very forest this castle was surrounded by. For a wild moment he felt somehow unqualified to be in here.

“That is…a lot of books.”

“And that is a respectable understatement.”

“Shut up! This is amazing!” Madara stood close to the entrance for another minute just to admire the sight of so much human knowledge all in one place.

Then he turned and sprinted for the closest spine he could get his hands on, tracing the high quality leather and greedily admiring the gold embossed lettering decorating several of them in a row. Dust coated everything in thick layers but underneath the books were thick and sturdy looking with no signs of deterioration or damp. Just the thought of how much knowledge might be contained within this one room was enough to stagger him, almost enough to make him salivate, so without making himself wait any longer he reached up to pull the closest book out and admire the front.

“An interesting choice to start with,” Tobirama noted, stepping up behind him.

“Why, what is it?”

“That is a genealogy register; this particular section is a record of my family history going back more generations that I’m sure anyone has cared about for at least half of those generations. What you have there is a volume dating somewhat near to one hundred years before my birth.”

Madara lifted one eyebrow and looked down at the book in his hands with disappointment. “Oh. Boring. I’ll look at something else then. Where does the family photo album section end?”

He followed Tobirama’s clawed finger to where it pointed at the far wall and had to shake his head first because that was way too many books just to keep track of how many people had been part of one family. Then he hurried across the dusty maw of the open floor to snatch the first book that drew his eye. Once upon a time the leather had been dyed a gorgeous emerald green. From the condition of the page edges it looked as though this tome had been ancient even before it was stopped in time, practically ready to crumble between his fingers. As carefully as possible and with gentle movements Madara opened the book to a random page.

Then frowned.

“What the hell language is this?” he asked.

“The same language we are speaking now,” Tobirama replied with slight confusion. “Perhaps a bit more formal but it is the same language. Is there a problem?”

“No way is this the same, I’ve never even heard some of these words before. Thouest? Hitherto fore? Seemest thine? What kind of witchcraft spell book did I just pick up?” Turning the book side to side and flipping it around did nothing to make the sentences any clearer.

“I assure you that the recipes therein are not witchcraft.”

Madara looked up at his companion with a frown and then back down at the book, squinting. “These are recipes? I honestly cannot follow a single sentence. Why are all the letters so stupidly curly?”

“That is the way of scribes, I suppose.” Tobirama offered a disinterested shrug.

Disappointed again, Madara snapped the book shut and very carefully slid it back in to place. He stepped back and craned his neck to look way up to where a balcony had been built around the perimeter of the room, breaking up the wall close to where the second story would begin. So many books and they were all so stupidly fancy he couldn’t read any of them? That hurt.

“Are there any books that have anything interesting to say?” he grumbled.

“Plenty of them, yes.”

“Hmph. Suppose it doesn’t matter anyway if I can’t bloody decipher them. I shouldn’t have to learn half another language just to read a few books!”

Tobirama, the bastard, was laughing at him. He could tell. No smile appeared but there was a certain tilt to his head that Madara was used to seeing on the villagers that always thought themselves better than him, though oddly enough Tobirama didn’t strike him as quite that stuck up despite his royal upbringing. Either he was naturally blessed with a little humility or the years alone had smothered his pride. Whatever the case he was still laughing.

Just to be clear on how little he appreciated that Madara made sure to shove his nose so far in the air he almost couldn’t see where he was going as he stormed away from the library he’d thought he might be able to lose himself in. He had no illusions about his own skill, he would never pretend to call himself a scholar or a true intellectual of any kind, but he did enjoy the hours he was able to sink in to stories of the past and just thinking of how much rich history there must be here burned him. To be so close to so many treasures and unable to appreciate them, it was torture.

“If words have failed you then would perhaps you would like to see the armory instead?”

“What?” Madara's head jerked down and he stopped in his tracks. “You have an armory? More stuff Hashirama did not mention!”

“It’s a bit of a walk but yes but considering the location I am not surprised my brother was unable to show you this as well. Allow me to escort you.”

This time Madara hustled to match Tobirama’s long strides a little better, twice as excited. “My favorite books to read were always the history books on war. There was the one about a battle that took place only a few miles from our village; when I first read it I was still pretty young and I ditched chores for the day to hike out and play soldier in the field I thought the book was talking about.”

“Pray tell me you wore a pot for a helmet?” Tobirama teased.

After sticking out his tongue Madara had to sheepishly admit, “I may have brought along an apple basket to wear. And a broomstick to use as a sword because I knew a stick from the forest would break if I hit anything with it.”

“How precious. When I was learning swordsmanship my father had crafted for me a wooden sword but I insisted upon carrying a genuine shield.” His heavy nose wrinkled ever so slightly. “It was much too large for my small frame and I needed both hands just to lift it.”

“Now that is precious. Wait, are you any good with a sword?”

“Of course. All members of the royal line were taught to defend themselves in times of emergency. I daresay I was quite skilled, though I never quite reached my brothers’ level of proficiency.” As he spoke his eyes grew distant and Madara huffed. Distant was not what he wanted. Half the point of getting to know Tobirama was helping him get his mood out of the dark clouds he had all but permanently stapled to his own head.

“I’ve always wanted to learn,” Madara admitted. “Maybe you could teach me?”

Looking down at him, a little of the darkness lifted in favor of curiosity. “Teach you?”

“Yeah. I mean, it’s not like we’ve got anything better to do with our time, you know?”

Tobirama didn’t answer but he did look thoughtful and that was a hell of a lot better than letting him stew in whatever black hole he’d been about to spiral down. Learning to cross blades with someone a few good feet taller with roughly three times as much muscle was actually a little worrisome to consider when Madara thought about it further, wondering if he’d just signed his own death warrant.

Since it was too late to take the words back now he kept his silence and both of them disappeared in to their own thoughts as they made the trek back over to the far side of the castle where the stables were kept. It made sense, he supposed, to keep the armory and the mounts so close together. He just wished he’d known it was there earlier. All this time he could have been escaping Hashirama's endless babble to go relive his childhood playing soldier with real helmets and a sword that wouldn’t break no matter how many times he tripped over his own feet and smacked it in to a nearby tree.

What he was picturing in his mind was a small room with swords in neat rows and shields hung on the walls, perhaps a small selection of polearms to train with. Surely most knights must have owned their own personal weaponry and kept such things in their quarters. The outside of the building Tobirama led him to was rather unassuming looking, constructed with the same dim brick as the rest of the castle, completely devoid of any artistry or embellishment. Even the door was simple plain wood. When it was pushed open the inside was nothing but shadows and Madara stood blinking in to the darkness as his companion trundled inwards to find candles to light. When he found none Madara could hear him grumbling irritably, stomping over to throw open a window instead, midday light spilling inside to reveal the treasures within.

And what treasures indeed. The swords he had imagined were bigger and more impressive than he could have dreamed. Rather than hanging along the walls they were displayed on wooden racks, some of which also held pikes and halberds and naginata, but above them there were katana with intricate hilts he could hardly believe. Rows upon rows of daggers and poniards, a full display of tessen fans both parchment and metal, and on the opposite wall hung shields of every size and shape. At the end of the room there stood an open archway that he could only assume led to another room with just as many discoveries waiting for him to gush over like an excited child.

Flustered by so many incredible findings and unable to decide what he wanted to explore first, Madara could only spin in a circle letting his eyes roam over the dull blades and imagining how much more unbelievably impressive this collection would have been when there had existed a full staff of servants to care for each item properly.

He had very nearly spun all the way around in a full circle when he spotted a massive curved sickle not unlike the ones his fellow villagers used to sow wheat in the fields. This one topped a much shorter handle to be wielded single-handedly and was attached by a thick chain to an identical blade. With glee spreading across his face in an excited grin he made to step over to the sickles and heft them, to feel their weight, when he spotted it at last. The perfect grail.

“Is that a gunbai?” he breathed, approaching the weapon with reverence in his steps. Tobirama watched from where he remained by the window.

“A rather unorthodox one. If memory serves my grandfather commissioned that for ceremonial use. The man who crafted it sought my grandfather’s favor and so in place of a simple ceremonial piece of artistry he gifted to our family a battle-worthy gunbai as tall as himself.”

“It’s incredible!”

Taller than Madara himself, the massive war fan was constructed of steel and wood, painted with a repeating pattern around the edges to distract from the way they had been deliberately sharpened to a deadly point. When he very carefully wrapped his fingers around the handle and lifted the weapon it was so much heavier than he anticipated that he very nearly went crashing sideways trying to balance himself again.

“Do you know how to wield it?” Tobirama asked.

“Not a clue,” Madara admitted. “But I’ve read about them and I’ve always wanted to see one for myself.”

“Would you like to learn?”

Several nearby weapons rattled ominously as Madara spun around in shock and crashed the edge of the gunbai against a rack of throwing stars. “Are you serious!?”

“I fail to see why not when I had already planned to teach you the art of the sword. What harm is there in choosing a different weapon to better suit your tastes?” Tobirama shrugged in that haughty way of his as though he were offering nothing more momentous than afternoon tea.

“Then yeah! Yes! Oh man, Izuna is going to be so jealous!”

Hefting it again, Madara turned for the door and scurried out of the armory before Tobirama had a chance to call him back. Both halves of the buildings made a right angle that, together with the stables, created a box shape with one open side. When he made his way around he found himself in what must have once been a sparring ring or a practice field. Several wooden targets stood along one side of the square and a collection of straw dummies strapped to wooden poles lined another. Madara headed straight for the dummies and hefted his new weapon.

Only to realize that this would perhaps be a little more difficult to pick up than he had imagined with his swords made of broomsticks. The gunbai was heavy. Madara had never been a farmer for all that he lived in a small farming village, he’d never had quite the muscles that others built up after years of pulling plows and carrying massive bales of hay.

Tobirama came around the corner with an indulgent expression already hovering around the smile twitching his lips and Madara scowled at him before he even had a chance to open his mouth.

“As I was about to say before you dashed off oh so eagerly, it would perhaps be better to learn a set of strengthening exercises first before you injure yourself with such a large weapon that you are so unfamiliar with.” The bastard even had the gall to lift one eyebrow mockingly.

“Uggghhh that sounds like it’s going to be so much more effort than just learning how to swing this right.”

“Indeed. Much more work.”

“What use is magic if you can’t use it for cool stuff? I mean, screw immortality and shape-shifting. Why can’t some witch just pop over for tea and make me in to a battle master in one afternoon?” Madara slumped and stared mournfully down at the gunbai in his hands, picturing how cool he would look if he were able to dance across the field cutting down opponents with one hand. He would probably look even more impressive if he could use something like that sickle in his other hand.

Tobirama snorted and brought him back out of his daydreams. “Are all the youths of your generation so lazy?”

“Oh, youth am I? I’ll bet I’m older than you! Just because you’ve lived longer that doesn’t make you older!” Madara paused and frowned as he thought that through again. When he noticed the judgment in his companion’s face he scowled. “Shut up! I know what I meant!”

“Regardless, the question remains: would you care to learn a few strengthening exercises or not?”

Not wanting to embarrass himself any farther, Madara very reluctantly toted the gunbai back in to the armory where he placed it very carefully back where it came from. Then he followed Tobirama back out in to the training ring and listened with rapture to the new exercise regimen they would apparently be taking up daily from now on. Since most of his physical labor back home had involved mucking out stalls and carrying buckets of oats he’d never given much thought to how very average his muscle mass was and, honestly, he’d never had much motivation to do anything about it. It wasn’t as though he’d ever had anyone to impress.

Getting a bit of exercise every day was better than just sitting around in the kitchen watching Hashirama try to come up with ways to hug his wife without setting her on fire, though, and it wasn’t like he ever had any pressing duties to attend to. So long as he made sure Izuna was fed and had taken his medicine the rest of his days were generally filled with quite a lot of loafing about. If this new regimen happened to come with the added benefit of Tobirama’s face lighting up with true interest as he nattered on about lesson plans he was apparently already composing in his head then that could only be considered an additional bonus.

By the time they returned to the castle Madara was covered in sweat from head to toe and yet he couldn’t remember the last time he’d been in such high spirits. As he trained Tobirama had regaled him with stories of the few minor battles he’d been involved in during his youth when they’d been at war with one of the neighboring kingdoms and small forces had stupidly attempted an assault on the royal palace itself. Madara had been just as thrilled to discover they had something in common as he had been to listen to the story itself. If he couldn’t read the history books in the library then listening to a live retelling was just as good – better even. Listening to Tobirama meant he could interrupt with a dozen questions if he could catch his breath enough to ask them and enjoy all the small details historians never bothered to record.

“They did not!”

“I tell no lies. They watched us set up a vat of boiling oil in plain sight, set their ladders straight underneath it, and attempted to climb them as though somehow expecting us not to use whatever means necessary to repel them from our walls. I have never in my life heard a more startled scream.” Tobirama chuckled with sadistic amusement and Madara admired the glint of his misshapen grin.

“Maybe people really were just stupider in your time,” he teased. “I think Hashirama could be used as evidence for that.”

From around the corner a tinny voice could be heard shouting, “There’s no need to be cruel!”

Tobirama was already smiling but at the sight of his metal-bound sibling hopping around the corner with despair etched in to the shape of his face he began to laugh unrepentantly and Madara realized they had a second thing in common. They both enjoyed teasing Hashirama and watching the dramatics unfold. Nothing made for better entertainment than winding Hashirama up and then abandoning him to sob all over his wife, although that usually ended with having to deal with her death glare and leaving himself to the mercy of her cooking when mealtime came around again.

After letting his friend cry himself out over how mean they were being Madara made it up to him by letting Hashirama hop in to his hands and carrying him with them as they travelled the halls.

“Mito and I were concerned when you failed to arrive for dinner; I was coming to see where you might have gotten off to. Why is all of your clothing so damp?”

“We were training!” Madara told him excitedly.

“How exciting! Ah, what were you training?” Hashirama listened with rapt attention while Madara extolled upon the beauties of all the incredible finds revealed to him inside the armory and moaned wistfully when told about Tobirama’s promise to teach him the art of battle. “Oh to hold a blade in my hand again, to hear the singing of steel and the rush of battle.”

Tobirama snorted above them. “Do not pretend you are not a pacifist for all that I never managed to best you on the field.”

“Sparring was ever different from true battle. I would give anything to feel the ache in my limbs after hours of training or the drip of sweat upon my brow. As the years turn I find that I…I quite forget what it was to feel the burn of the sun in my eyes or the kiss of the wind.” Hashirama drooped momentarily and Madara stared at the candelabra in his hands.

It wasn’t often his friend opened up in such a way about how much he missed being human. Beyond the daily mourning of his inability to hold Mito close he generally avoided the subject and even then his yearnings were so overdone Madara realized he had started to treat them as jokes. A quick glance up told him that Tobirama was just as floored by the open admittance, though surprise quickly turned to heavy guilt and he looked away. When Madara looked back down he noted Hashirama following his line of sight only for his own face to crumple with remorse.

“Forgive me little brother, I did not mean to be so maudlin.”

“You should not censor your speech for my sake,” Tobirama forced out. “If you will excuse me, I do believe the mood will improve if I am not present.”

Before either of them could say a word to convince him otherwise he had already turned to storm off in the opposite direction with his long loping stride, too fast for Madara to catch up with unless he broke in to a run. They watched him go until he turned a corner in the hallway and then Madara looked down to the friend he carried between his hands.

“And I had just gotten him in to a better mood,” he sighed, much to Hashirama's obvious chagrin.

“Oh my. I may have, as you say, messed up.”

“Just a little. He’ll forgive you though.”

“But will he forgive himself?”

Madara twisted his mouth to one side and looked back in the direction where Tobirama had disappeared. That was a good question. After spending a day together finally he felt much closer to the other, could see how they might actually become great friends, and with every interaction he found himself more and more determined to help Hashirama with the quest to remind Tobirama of his own humanity. That the actions he believed had made him a monster were truly the only choice he’d had, something anyone in his position would have had to do. They may have lost many lives in the plague but from the story he’d been told Madara would bet that Tobirama’s quick and decisive actions had saved many more.

And he would be willing to bet that the idiot hadn’t let anyone say that to him in a long time.

“Where’s Kagami?” he asked. Hashirama perked up.

“I do believe he was heading to royal apartments when I left the study. What excellent timing! My brother has ever found solace in his young student. As much as I have never doubted his love for me I understand why it is often difficult for him to face me. There is simply too much guilt in him.”

“And in you,” Madara pointed out.

His friend nodded sadly. “We make for quite a morose pair.”

“Well, while Kagami distracts his royal grumpiness I don’t suppose I can convince you to tell me the story of how this all happened again? I want to get the details straight. I think it’s about time someone yelled in his face that he’s being stupid.”

Hashirama gaped at him.

“You would not possibly be so insensitive!”

“Oh yes I would,” Madara grunted. “He’s being mopey and dumb and that’s the whole reason this mess started. I get it, he feels really shitty about what happened. But if it were anyone else they would have gotten over themselves by now. He needs a wakeup call and I am just the rude asshole to do it.”

He continued to stump along the halls on his way to the kitchen where he knew Mito would be hard at work in the middle of her dinner preparations. For a woman without hands or limbs she was able to whip up some rather incredible creations. He should really start saying thank you more often. It took several hallways of walking in silence for Hashirama to shift in his hands, crossing both arms with an uncharacteristically serious expression.

“I cannot say I agree with your methods but what passes between the two of you in conversation is simply not my business,” he concluded. “You have requested the tale and I will tell you. What you do with that information is out of my control.” Madara offered him a grin.

“That’s the spirit.”

“Perhaps this could wait until after dinner, however? I would not wish to upset my wife.”

“Whatever you want, big guy. Were you big? I saw a portrait of you and your brothers but I never asked which one was you and it’s hard to judge height from a portrait.”

Finally a shadow of cheer returned to Hashirama's engraved countenance as he replied with a sly undertone, “Taller than you, my friend. If you have more questions along that nature I would be more than happy to extoll upon my own beauty as you sate your hunger!”

“Ugh, don’t make it sound so gross!”

The two of them bickered good-naturedly all the way in to the kitchen where Mito was putting the finishing touches on a gorgeous spread of some western dish known as shepherd’s pie. Madara was more than happy to let the good mood rest for a little longer before the conversation returned to somber topics, allowing himself to be pulled in to some lighter reminiscing about the good old days. Yet even as Hashirama spent ten minutes alone trying to find the perfect comparison for the exact red shade that Mito’s hair had been he found his thoughts drifting away to another part of the castle.

Somewhere in the bowels of this oversized stone bucket Tobirama was beating himself up for something that happened countless years before and hadn’t even been his fault, wrapping himself in misery while the rest of them allowed themselves a moment of jocularity. If he were honest with himself Madara understood that a large part of his motivation for helping Tobirama was the selfish desire for his life to go back to the way it had been, for the ability to leave this castle and return to the life he’d been stolen away from. And yet the more time he spent here the more he had begun to wonder with each new day.

Was leaving truly what he still desired?

[fishdavidson]

(BELATED!) Dream Journal 2019-07-10: Sort of Like Good Omens, But With Superheroes And Loud Farts

Good news, everyone! So far the new medication is not affecting dreams! However, I didn’t end up posting last night because I played Electronic Super Joy and AudioSurf 2 (purchased in the most recent Steam sale) until it was too late for me to write anything substantial before going to bed. But now that I have steeled my resolve to not play any more computer games until I have caught up on my writing, I’m finally getting around to posting some high-quality content.

This dream in particular was an almost perfectly coherent narrative without doing any editing, and it was a pretty cool story, too. And the best part is that it even had a semi-plausible and self-consistent mythology. So let’s get to narratin’!

It is mere days before the end of the world, but everyday life looks pretty similar to how it looks today. Except there were a handful of superheroes that the general public knew about who were trying to keep the world safe from various threats. These superheroes were more like Iron Man than Superman, in that they were regular mortal people that happened to own super-suits and fantastic technology.

An unnamed detective with an interest in historical archaeology is trying to solve a case where some expensive Vera Wang ceramics were stolen. She finds the plates in a disused janitor’s closet in an apartment building, and the only person who had access to that closet claims the plates were counterfeit items purchased at a dollar store. Either way, the plates got confiscated as evidence and the detective went home for the evening.

Later that night, the detective is contacted by a superhero who is basically Arthur from Amazon’s version of The Tick. Arthur has discovered something written in an ancient language that he believes may herald the impending end of the world. The detective translates it, and she confirms it has some bearing on an ancient prophecy about the battle for the end of the world.

It postulates that Adam and Eve were forbidden from ever entering the Garden of Eden again, but Adam will one day be reborn and use powerful magic to unmake the world as we know it and reshape it into a new Eden that Adam and Eve will live in to spite God. Yes, my asleep mind actually came up with this. But it gets even better!

Adam has come into our world already and reached adulthood. His mighty powers begin to manifest, but they are not quite as strong as God’s powers of creation. In order to achieve omniscience, Adam has only a scant handful of days to accomplish several large tasks:

Sing the Song of Creation, which had long since been lost to time

Find the Letters of Creation, which were a set of love letters written between Adam and Lilith.

Summon Eve into the world

Move all the land into one big supercontinent that shall become Eden.

You might think that it is nearly impossible to reconstruct a song that has been lost for thousands of years and was never written down, and you’d be right. Unfortunately, Adam realized that he can just pick a song and use his semi-divine powers to declare it to be the new Song of Creation. His choice is a little too on-the-nose, and he chooses “The Circle of Life” from The Lion King soundtrack.

This is where I, Fish Davidson, enter the picture. It’s also one of the few points in the dream that aren’t as narratively consistent. Somehow I have managed to acquire five of the twelve known Letters of Creation. Twelve letters? SUBCONSCIOUS SYMBOLISM, I SAY!

I meet up with Adam in the service corridor of a shopping mall. Adam wants to negotiate for possession of the letters. Why he doesn’t smite me on the spot at this moment is beyond me, but I have brought the letters in a ziploc bag and I am prepared to do stupid and reckless things to prevent the end of the world.

I have not come to negotiate. I am just here to stall for time.

Adam starts singing “The Circle of Life,” and it is filled with majesty and divine power. It is hard to resist singing along, so I do the only thing I can think of: yank the letters out of the bag and start literally eating them. Apparently reading the letters aloud was the key to bringing Even into this world, which would allow the newly-reunited power-couple to work even faster. But I put the kibosh on that plan by gnawing on that ancient parchment like a cow on grass-flavored methamphetamine. You can’t read the letters if they are impossibly shredded by the gnashing of teeth.

Meanwhile, Arthur has reverse-engineered something called the Engine of Creation with the help of the detective’s impressive knowledge of history. The Engine is an apocryphal golem that looks like a large clay urn with dog legs that God supposedly used to create land and vegetation in the beginning. It requires the power of a true god to work at full capacity, but Arthur is reasonably confident that it will still work (albeit less efficiently) with some big batteries and a bit of ingenuity.

Adam has already begun moving big chunks of land toward Africa. Most of South America is now underwater, traveling like a jet plane under the sea toward the western coast of Africa. By the end of the day, South America, Africa, and Australia will be one big continent.

Arthur has is charging every battery he can get his hands on, and has even sacrificed the nuclear reactor in his flying super-suit to power the Engine of Creation (codenamed Seedy) in an attempt to make more land for the displaced people of South America.

Seedy gets powered up and runs around like a playful puppy for a moment before it lowers itself to the ground and starts shaking. If God was there to give Seedy some extra power, it would be spraying industrial quantities of dirt and trees everywhere. But on battery power, all Seedy can manage to produce is a loud 10-second long fart and a single turnip.

In more traditional narratives, this would be the place where all hope seems lost. Adam has far more power by himself than we could ever muster on our own. But between Arthur activating Seedy and me eating the Letters of Creation, God got angry enough to come back Old-Testament style and smite Adam with an adequate amount of force to destroy him forever.

Humanity, you’re welcome.

----------------

Header image is Adam and Eve expelled from Eden by an angel. Etching by H. Winstanley after G. Reni, 1728.

[delcat177]

Tag!

Rules! Tag (numbers) people you want to get to know!

I was tagged by @heliodora97 while between PCs, made a note not to forget that shit, promptly forgot that shit, and just remembered that shit 8,D

This got long (of course)

Name: Del Terance-Theodore Scott

Gender: Trans guy

Star Sign: Scorpio

Height: 4′10″, 147.32cm, a smol, just a real smol boy

Sexuality: 5.9 on the Kinsey scale.  Like, maybe one woman in three hundred piques my interest, and that’s usually because they’re coded masculine.  The entire nonbinary spectrum is a case-by-case deal, although again, I’m more inclined toward masc coding.  Basically, I’m panromantic but with the BIGGEST FUCKING BIAS toward gay and 99.8% gay sexually, and since I’m in a monogamous relationship, identifying as gay is really just easier and more gender euphoric.

Also I wanna fuck the fish

What image do you have as your lock screen: 

This has been my lock screen, header, and PC background for two years now and I do not anticipate it changing, thank you @nooneandeveryone

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher: Two or three notable teachers in college and a little schoolboy crush on my high school teacher because he liked and understood me better than 90% of the kids in Crazy Fundie School (he liked MST3K!!!)

Where do you hope to see yourself in 10 years: Holding a big folder of fanfiction marked “DONE” with a big red rubber stamp

If you could go anywhere else right now where would it be?: France, my fiance is probably on their second cup of morning coffee by now

What was your coolest Halloween costume?: Since Halloween is my birthday and Mom was INCREDIBLY patient and skilled, I had some real bangers.  A few that stand out are Queen of the Butterflies and The Most Extra Grizabella the Glamour Cat Cosplay Ever because I am very very gay, plus a not-too-shabby DIY Pyramid Head costume for my last year ever going out.  I think I’m proudest of the year I decided I wasn’t too old for trick-or-treating at the VERY last second, though--I found a huge picture frame and Mom pinned some fabric to the top as a backdrop and bam, I was a portrait.  I taped a “plaque” made out of a post-it reading “(NAME), AUTHOR, AGE 9″ on the bottom because I had Aspirations.  My arms were killing me from carrying it by the end of the night but folks loved it.

What was your favorite 90’s TV show?: 

First fandom and one of the greatest.

Just don’t talk to me about the remake.  Don’t fukken do it.

Last kiss?: Last August, at the airport...I wanna go drink coffee wah

Favorite book?: 

BUT TO NAME A FEW

My love of Discworld and The Phantom Tollbooth should be very apparent, I adore short horror fiction, but one of my favorite unsung heroes is Bruce Coville.  He was one of my greatest influences growing up, both through his books and through his stubbornness in getting anthologies aimed at kids with REAL stories published.  Seriously, the Bruce Coville’s Book Of... series has To Serve Man, Zero Hour, It’s a Good Life, all these sci-fi classics that were in Real Adult Anthologies and the most fucking surreal shit I have ever read and I am counting my adult experiences.  I read Joe R. Lansdale’s The Fat Man at 9 because Bruce Coville thought I should have that right and bless him, I have never been the same.

When I was 10, Mom found out that Bruce was doing school presentations in Michigan and made some calls (I was still homeschooled at the time) and got me in not just to see the presentation, but meet him in person beforehand and talk to him one-on-one.  It was one of the greatest experiences of my life, but I spent a long time wondering if he’d still accept me if I met him as a trans gay adult, because part of being trans is having your fantasies cut short with “shit what if he misgendered me”.

So I wrote him a long letter about it and it turns out he’s progressive as fuck and totally accepts me and now we’re honest-to-God comment-on-each-other’s-posts Facebook friends.

No seriously.  Sometimes your idols actually turn out to be heroes.  Every time I see him lambast Trump my kokoro doki dokis and boy howdy that’s a lot of dokis.

Have you ever been stood up?: I dated all of two people before falling in love with Crow, so I didn’t really get the chance, which is probably a good thing?

Have you ever been to Las Vegas?: I lost two life’s savings on Neopets in one day when the slot machines came out, I spent everything I had and then sold one of my most expensive items and spent all of the proceeds from that, so I’m just gonna play the occasional quiet game of Poker Night 2 ok

Favorite pair of shoes: I have Achilles’ tendonitis so I can really only wear specific sneakers, but before we knew that, I used to beg Mom to let me buy boots at the Army Surplus store and I would wear them until the sides gave out (yes, the sides, my ankles are fucked up and weird).  Gender euphoria to the NINES.  I miss it augh.

Favorite fruit?: A L L OF T H E M

ok actually I’m not too much into citrus except for pomelos and kiwis are too sour and these things can fuck right off but buddy I avoid putting on stoner weight because I will just sit there slowly eating individual blueberries like a lizard for four hours, or crack open a can of jackfruit, or make myself positively ill on cherries, FRUIT IS AMAZING

I think if I absolutely HAD to choose, it’d be cherries.  Cherries are Michigan’s Thing and we used to pick them ourselves from tourist farms and oh God I am forever spoiled on cherry flavor because that shit does NOT compare.  It’s so good.  It’s so so good.

Casul is a fruit bat for a reason ok

Stupidest thing you have ever done?: 

Boy howdy that’s a long dark road to potentially go down so let’s have three lesser stupids instead of my sincere regrets:

--I got a virus when I was 15 and someone hacked my comp saying that if I didn’t give him my Neopets password he’d delete all my shit and I didn’t disconnect but instead made fun of him in whatever janky chat thing he installed because I didn’t think he could do it (he could) (funny in retrospect except I’m still pissed over losing all of my progress on the RM2K game I was making at the time) --When I was but an amateur stoner I didn’t realize my body would lie to me about how much it could actually eat and I ingested so, so many cashews and then staggered into the bathroom and de-ingested them violently while my dumbass brain went “haha whoops” --In Hawaii I fell on the sidewalk, completely erased the skin on my knee, terrified a family of Asian tourists by trying to patch up my profuse bleeding while the wind blew my hastily-bought medkit down the road, and spent two months nursing the two-inch-square wound it left behind.  I have related this before.  I have not related that the entire reason I tripped was I noticed a small dog on the other side of the street and got so excited I forgot how to walk.

I tag uhhhhh @thegrinningcrow, @qglas, @sugarburger, @machi-tobaye, @melancthe, @squid-ichorous, @panur, @i-like-too-many-boys, and @clumsyshark, but I would happily read responses from absolutely anyone, just tag me back please!

[franeridart]

hi. hello. this is a bit embarrassing but i'm trying to buy my bf a tablet sort of thing so he can draw his arts. he's been wanting one forever but hasn't rly shown me which one he wants. i want to surprise him n buy a good one worth the money n was just curious if you had any suggestions. i've looked into wacom products, but i'm just such a noob to these things n was hoping you can help... i understand if this is silly, you don't have to reply! ur just so amazing, ur opinion is trustworthy 😅☺️

Okay, so, this is just my opinion and since it’s based completely on personal experiences it’s gonna possibly be incredibly different from other people’s opinions, so I just wanna make clear from the start that this is a personal preference and isn’t in any way meant as an absolute truth

Anyway, as far as I’m concerned when you’re just starting out you don’t need anything fancy at all. As an aspiring digital artist your bf might have looked up tablets and cried tears of blood over how much he’d like a cintiq or anything similar, but my very personal opinion is that fancy stuff is gonna be pretty much useless to you and be generally a waste of money? You’re just learning, you don’t need anything more than the basics. My suggestion is that you pick something simple and easy to use - I own this wacom intuos, had it for a long while and I like it a lot, but there’s also less expensive options you can go for too that people seem to like just as much! I’ve lately read on my dash about the Huion H610, they say it doesn’t cost much at all but it’s just as good as the Intuos, that could be a good option for you~

Anon said:  Hey!!! I was wondering if its ok to rb your oc art? I realized a lot less people rb those and i get anxious easily so... also i really don't want to disrespect either! But i always thought of rebloging as a way of saying "i appreciate your art" and i really really (really ) like yours (both the style and itself in general). (I hope you dont mind my bad english ha ha) i hope you don't mind this stupid ask! Im still kind of new to tumblr

It’s 100% okay!!!! *O* Thank you for liking them enough to want to reblog them ;A; !!!!

Anon said:i miss ur bokuroteru so much 😭💕 i love ur art but whenever i see ur header, i just remember ur bokuroteru comic and my heart cries storms for them to be seen again.

Aw anon I’m super happy you like my stuff for those three but as of now inspiration in that department is... super low... and tbh the haikyuu fandom is being incredibly unresponsive and non-vocal about their appreciation of fanworks in this period so even when I do have ideas for that fandom I sort of. Let them go. Or just sketch them out and never finish them.

Like, you know the whole deal about having to draw for yourself and not for others? That’s what I do 100% of the times when I’m starting a drawing, but to draw for myself I don’t exactly need to finish a drawing, you know? Sometimes there’s a scene I wanna see and I sketch it out in a super rough way and as far as my personal desire to see it goes I’m satisfied with that, and everything after that - the cleaning and lining and maybe even coloring - I put the effort in it because I want to share it with people. And the deal with the Hq!! fandom lately is that they don’t share my excitement for it. They either only like it, or don’t comment on it, or comment only to complain about this or that thing. In the worst case posting hq!! only ends up with people asking me to draw something else (ie I feel like drawing Karasuno so I draw it and post it and no one comments/rb/says anything about it but there’s 20 asks in my inbox asking me why I haven’t drawn any bok*ro lately)

When I think about posting stuff for hq lately I automatically compare it to posting stuff for bnha where I could draw a background character that appeared once 120 chapters ago and there’s still gonna be people that go “yes! that character!! I love that character!!! can’t believe there’s actual art for it oh my god!!!!” - that’s... that’s the sort of reaction that makes you wanna share stuff

I dunno, maybe I’m just expecting too much out of the hq fandom. But anyway, sharing for bnha makes me way happier and glad I decided to finish a drawing lately, so I guess that’s what’s happening there.

Anon said:Every time your soft doods art shows up on my dash I have to pause and take a deep breath and just thank god for all the good in the world because I'm blown away every single time

This is s o s w e e t oh my god ;A; thank you so much!!!!

Anon said:Johnny is a fucking angel dammit. Have you read the new DGM already?? I'm in tears. I love this manga so much. The frequency of the releases are killing me... it has such a great story and great characters. It needs more love

I did read it!!!! And yeah the fandom used to be way bigger, but honestly I’m glad it’s just the couple dozens people it is. Like a small town where everyone knows everyone else. No drama, no discourse. Everyone ships what they want and we all pass each other tissues to dry the tears. The only argument that happens regularly is people complaining about the relase schedule and the old fans telling them to let Hoshino live. A good place, this fandom’s a good place.

DGM was my playground for most of my experimenting as far as creating art goes, I really did reach in all directions with it through the years and it helped me shape myself a lot, so I really want it to stay quiet and nice and peaceful, that’s my dream for it haha smaller fandoms have a better chance to keep that freedom

Anon said: Oh man, I live for that Togata x Amajiki interaction

You talking about the color spread cause yes that was adorable!!! ;A;

Anon said:I look a little, and do you still draw Bakugo x Kirishima x Kaminari?

Sure, it’s still my main ship for Kaminari and my main ot3! Just wait for Denki to start being relevant in the manga again, I’ll probably fall headfirst into it all over again haha

Anon said:Your art is so wonderful you're wonderful everything's so wonderful i'm crying omg

SOB no anon you’re wonderful!!!!

Anon said:Due to my brain not wanting to cooperate with me (ever), Bakugou Katsuki is now Batsuki Katsuki in my head.

This is the funniest thing I’ve read today and I’m in t e a r s hahaha

Anon said:Artistic!Mina making pop art and colorful paintings :o what are ur thoughts

HELL YES that’s my main headcanon for Mina, she’s definitely an artsy girl!!! I like the idea of her sharing it with Bakugou t b h

Anon said:I'm still just repeatedly looking at your newest KiriBaku because hot damn.

I’m super glad you liked it!!!!!!! oh my gOD!!!!!!!

Anon said:Heyy please rec Kami comics please! I'm in a Kami art shortage and I currently can't find art as awesome as yours...

I’m so sorry I wish I could help you with this but I don’t know anyone who draws lotsa Kaminari either ;---;

[ask-jungshook]

BEGIN!AU Masterlist & FAQ

Disclaimer: This post is a work in progress so a lot of changes will be made in the future! (I’ll link it in my header for easy access)

Links

Prologue Series

Part 1: Descent | | Part 2: Static | | Part 3: Rebirth

Reflection Series

Snowdrop : J-Hope  | Lilac : Yoongi | tbd

Other (Misc pieces)

BEGIN!AU tag

General

Q: What is BEGIN!AU?

A: It’s an AU that I created that is loosely based off of my interpretations the MVs (aka I have no clue what’s going on, so it’s kinda vague on purpose right now) Hopefully I will be expanding the world within it as time goes on though! As of now, it’s going to focus mainly on Jungkook and all the excerpts posted are written from his POV. I’m still working on fleshing out everything, so please bear with me.

I’m hoping that there will be several parts? But as of now, I currently have the Prologue Series and the what will be the Reflection Series (this is a work in progress– idk if I’m gonna keep that name, so it’s a placeholder for now lol) Both are based off of Jungkook’s memories. The Prologue is more or less a teaser to the actual storyline, whereas the Reflection Series will just be short snippets of his thoughts of each of the members (So there will be 6 parts total – I was originally going to release each portion on the member’s birthdays, but some are too clumped so I might be releasing them in random blocks of time lol J-Hope and Suga’s should be released on time of their bday though!)

Q: Can I ask questions to Begin!JK?

A: Depending on the nature of the asks, I will be either answering them within this AU or just do a non-AU. (It honestly depends on the question) But if you’re an askblog and want to do an AU crossover, I AM SO DOWN FOR A COLLAB. (it can be in this AU or a different one too!) I’m also working on several solo pieces that will pertain to this AU, but that’s like for the way future!

Q: Can I drew fanart for this AU?

A: JDGHSKGJHLG Sure! Just keep in mind that I haven’t determined what is ‘canon’ and what isn’t in this AU yet when it comes to fic writing, so idk how much you guys have to work with since everything is like ‘what is going on right now’ lol If anything you can say it was inspiration from my AU and that it’s your own interpretation of it since it’s not really based off it??? Idkman lol bc tbh I don’t even know what’s going on with my AU LOL However once my AU is more developed which won’t be for awhile, all I ask is that you credit me somewhere if it specifically relates to my AU & its plot! :) Also feel free to tag me if you post on tumblr! I would love to see the finished pieces! :’D

Also, kinda related but not really: please note that I do not allow for any of my works to be reposted, altered, or edited on any social media outside of this tumblr account as stated in my general FAQ. (I got an ask regarding this, but I’ll post my reply later bc it’s long and it’s kinda a topic I’ve been struggling a lot with as an artist)

Theme & Interpretation

My interpretation of the AU, as mentioned before is loosely based off the MVs taken with artistic freedom. (Well less about the plot of the MVs, and more about the overall meaning of them) The main theme of this AU relates to the ‘loss of innocence’ or simply ‘growing up’ in layman’s terms . (This is especially alluded to in the most recent MV of “Spring Day’ where they made a reference to Omelas) Healing and mending wounds is also a underlying theme as well.

I want to to explore the areas of self discovery, self forgiveness, and self understanding. The Jungkook in this AU based off the prologue, is still struggling to accept the present and unwilling to leave the past behind. He’s struggling in the sense that he can’t let go of the past and those memories haunt him. While he does realize that the world is not kind, nor is it fair, he has a hard time accepting it, which is why he constantly wishes for things to return back to the way they were – back to happier days.

The whole entire prologue series is basically him battling against his conscience, contemplating on the ‘what ifs’ of moments in his past when he knows that there’s nothing he can do to change them.  However at the last panel of the prologue series, you might notice that I drew him smiling compared to the panel right before where he’s just looking at the viewer– this was done for a reason.

I released the last part of the series right before the You Never Walk Alone album dropped, so I was honestly hoping that the image I had in mind would link it some way to the new songs AND GOD BLESS IT DID. There is a line in the supplemental story that said ‘But we can smile if we’re together’ and I was like YES GOOD JOB PAST DISSU U MADE A CORRECT DECISION OF WHERE UR TAKING UR AU BEFORE THE SONG CAME OUT LMFAO but that line of the song basically echos the sentiment that I was trying to portray in that last panel. So yes, the prologue series can be very angsty, but at the same time I wanted it to end with a message of hope at the end. There’s are a bunch of random easter eggs from when I was putting the whole series together, so if you have a question behind any of the panels or lines, feel free to ask! :D

Prologue Fun Facts

- The quotes following each part are all excerpts taken from Demian. I tried making them somewhat relate to the different parts, but one of the reasons I chose them was because they stood out to me– they also tie to common theme of growing up and accepting yourself. 

- Almost all the scenes from P2 & P3 are in reference to the MVs, namely Run, I NEED U, Prologue, & Young Forever (props if you can recognize which MVs are from which panels lol)

- Some phrases in the lines used are a nod to some song titles as well! :)

Reflection Fun Facts

- Keep an eye out for flowers meanings! 

[tired-eyes-cold-as-ice]

I was tagged by @chaoticandproud and I think I need to go lay down now lol this took forever

thanks for the tag boo <3 1. Why did you choose your url?

I really, desperately wanted to change my url after returning to tumblr and having had my previous one for YEARS. So I searched far and wide until I settled on this one...

which is just the caption I gave to this piece I made when I first started playing around with digital art earlier this year:

See how her eyes look really tired and she looks kinda icy... like cold... as ice...............

2. Side blogs

Never had one. This is the one and only blog I've ever used and it's a mess. You click that follow button, you're in for a wild ride lol.

3. How long have you been on tumblr?

Since 13/06/2012, 9:20pm. 🙃

4. Do you have queue tag?

Nope. I've been here for 9 years and to this day I still have no idea what it is or how to use it. You get 100 posts in an hour or you get nothing, there is no in-between.

5. Why did you start your blog?

I was a part of the Czech Glee fandom and wanted to read more fanfiction. I found a person who was posting their Czech fanfics here and while scrolling through their blog I realized that hey, this place is pretty cool, it's got moving pictures and shit... so I also made one.

6. Why did you choose your icon?

Well because he's just TOO CUTE 🥺💕 william my beloved

I made the edit for a post of mine and found it again while scrolling through my files. I realized it fit the pink vibe I have going on rn on my blog and I felt like replacing my other icon that had my face in it cause I wasn't feeling it anymore.

7. Why did your choose your header?

Purely for aesthetic reasons because pink!! and pretty!!

8. Post with the most notes?

AHAHAH

So right now my most popular one is this Eurovision one which currently has 8.3k notes and has caused quite a lot of people to get angry because it's not RENAISSANCE it's bArOqUe

HOWEVER

It has yet to beat THIS baby, which was made 5 years ago and somehow gained nearly 8.7k notes (which makes me really happy because it was about writing Phil -and Dan the previous year- personalized letters to tell him what he means to us and that's just really sweet isn't it 🥺).

9. How many mutuals do you have?

I went. And I counted.

Every. Single. One.

158 is the answer.

A HUNDRED AND FIFTY-EIGHT

??!?! WHY AND HOW ?!?!

10. How many followers do you have?

667 (missed the 666 :(( big sads)

Once again,

WHY

and

HOW?!?

11. How many people do you follow?

1002 blogs babeyyy 🤙🤙

12. ever made a shitpost?

Absolutely.

13. How often do you use tumblr each day?

I don't know, I'm scared to monitor my social media usage cause it's bad. But more often than not, I'll just come here to message friends and scroll without really reblogging stuff or paying attention to anything.

14. Did you ever have fight/argument with other blog?

I don't like confrontation and fighting with people but I've gotten myself involved in drama a couple of times over the years. One time I made a really stupid comment under the influence of someone extremely toxic and ended up getting so much shit I had to delete everything related to that situation, close my ask box and just leave tumblr for a couple of days. I've been careful not to get involved in anything like that ever since.

If something pisses me off I'll just complain about it to my roommate irl lol.

15. How do you feel about "You need to reblog this" posts?

They make me feel awful. I'm really sensitive to guilt-tripping and pretty anxious when it comes to stuff like this (like remember those chain mails/posts about demons appearing in your house if you don't repost? I wouldn't repost those cause I knew they were fake and didn't want to spread them but I wouldn't be able to fall asleep because I was convinced a demon would show up lol) so whenever I see them and scroll past for whatever reason, I kinda feel sick to my stomach.

16. Do you like tag games?

I do! omg a friend remembered me?? and tagged me in a game because they want to learn more about me???? 🥺💕😭💖✨❤

Sometimes I forget to do them lol but I appreciate every single one! I just feel bad cause I'm bad at tagging others. I'm scared to tag people I don't actually talk to idk why. :(

17. Do you like ask games?

Yes!! I just take them way too seriously so it takes me forever to answer them haha.

18. Which of your tumblr friends/mutuals do you think is famous?

Mmm I have quite a few mutuals from the Dark Ages Glee days who were pretty big in the fandom back then (no idea why they followed me back lol).

Right now I'm honored to have a couple of people from the JATP fandom who I consider to be full-on celebrities following me back but I'm scared to tag them lmfao 😅😔

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

...maybe 👉👈

No pressure to actually do this but if y'all feel like it @hervissa @slunecny-hrob @fiddlepickdouglas @floating-in-the-blue @fighttoshine @suckerforpsychos & anyone else who wants to do this it's pretty cool <3