#this has been in my google doc for 2 months while i tried to figure out what do with it

[reaping-the-benefits]

MDNI!!!! Content warning: Omegaverse, alpha Simon, toxic boyfriend (not Si), Simon’s a little bit of a freak in this (I'm not sorry), reader is an omega and described to wear panties but gender neutral beside that. Spicy but no smut. Enjoy!! :)

Coming home from deployment is supposed to be relaxing. Key word: supposed. But this time, dragging his feet towards his flat, Simon is anything but relaxed. Not when that damn smell is clogging his nostrils, so sweet and thick in the air - it’s like he can taste it. Practically swallow the damn scent, drown in it from breathing alone.

It haunts him for the first week of his leave, before he finally figures out where, more like who, it’s coming from: you. The absolute angel of an omega, who’s just recently moved in with the alpha - your boyfriend -  that lives across the hall from Simon. (Simon didn’t like the other alpha to begin with. Too boisterous and demanding, always trying to throw his second gender around. As if that’s a reason to respect him.) 

Unlike your asshole boyfriend, you’re kind and caring, just like an omega should be. You stare at Simon with big, innocent eyes, and give him a shy smile when you drop off cookies. Your cheeks flush, when his fingers brush against your hand, as you exchange the tupperware container. And, for a brief moment, Simon imagines how you’d look with your cheeks flushed for a different reason.

An imaginative thought that quickly gets interrupted, when your boyfriend comes slinking across the hallway, your sweet scent easily overpowered by the absolute bitter pheromones rolling off your partner. Simon’s eyes narrow, when your boyfriend grabs you, a little too harsh for Simon’s liking.

“Come on. You’re done gawking,” your boyfriend mutters, practically dragging you across the hallway and back to the apartment. 

Simon keeps bumping into you after that. In the elevator, heading back from the gym, while you’ve got an armful of groceries. The elevator smells like him, pheromones rolling off him in waves from the workout. The scent makes your face heat up, mainly because he smells absolutely divine, and you have to stop yourself from rubbing your thighs together.

In the laundry room, where he’s waiting on his clothes to finish drying. And then you walk in with a basket of dirty laundry that smells like you, warm and sweet. You give him a shy smile, a kind hello, as you load your clothes into the washer. Simon watches you from his peripheral, fighting back a growl at the sight of all your panties. Maybe you won’t notice if he grabs one from the wash.

In the mail room, where you’re trying to sort your mail because somehow it’s gotten mixed up with his. You apologize profusely, completely unaware that Simon did it on purpose. He reassures you that it’s fine, these things happen. And the two of you end up chatting, as you sort through the mail. 

It’s through this little chat that your friendship blossoms. You drop by Simon’s flat for afternoon tea, where you tell him your office gossip. Gossip that he seems to be able to retain better than your current boyfriend ever does. Simon offers to take you out, never calls these outings dates but it certainly feels like one, especially when he’s got you giggling at his bad dad jokes. Sometimes he gives you flowers, and you have to ignore the way your heart hammers in your chest at the gift.

It’s on one of these outings, brunch at some fancy place you’d never be able to afford on your own, that Simon finally asks the question he’s been dying to know. 

“Why hasn’t that git gone and claimed you?” He asks it so casually, despite the way his own instincts are howling at him to lunge across the table and do it himself.

You sputter, nearly choking on your drink. Your face heats up, embarrassed by your reaction. It’s not a horrible question, and you’ve certainly told Simon far more intimate things than this. But, despite only knowing him for a few months, you do know Simon well. And you know how he’s going to react to this.

“Uh, well… I’m not entirely sure if Devin is the right choice, and I’m trying to give him a chance to prove himself,” you admit. You go to explain how your own parents had been an arranged relationship, forced together when your mother had gotten pregnant. It had been a disastrous pairing, and you witnessed firsthand the abuse an alpha can cause. Because of that, you refuse to let yourself be claimed until you’re absolutely positive that your partner is the right one. You can’t let your own pups be put through what you had to endure as a child.

To your surprise, Simon’s understanding of this. He goes on to vaguely explain how he’s experienced something similar, and he thinks you’re making the right choice by protecting yourself, and your future children, like that. “What’s got you hesitating with this bloke?” he asks, but he’s got a feeling he already knows the answer.

Simon’s not stupid, and he can read your body language, as well as the suddenly sour note in your scent. In all honesty, he doesn’t need you to answer the question. He’s heard the way Devin speaks to you, as if you’re stupid, as if you’re beneath him. And Simon just hums in acknowledgement at your lack of a response, and thankfully decides to change the subject.

Things are quiet after that. You're busy with your job and your boyfriend. Simon comes and goes with missions. You make time to see each other, and you find yourself enjoying Simon's company far more than you should. He's never pushy for information, never makes you feel bad for falling asleep during movie night. He's practically the perfect guy, the perfect alpha. 

It's this revelation that has you pulling away. Not from Simon, of course. But from your boyfriend. He just can't compare to Simon, especially when he makes you feel guilty for even wanting to spend time with Simon to begin with. And you can’t help but suddenly notice all the red flags in your relationship.

It’s your second heat, since you moved in, that things change.

You insist that you can handle it on your own, just hole up in your room and work through it by yourself. It’s what you did last time, and at the time Devin had been understanding. However, this time, he’s far less considerate, insisting that he should be allowed to help you through it.

It’s when the fight takes a physical turn, your boyfriend threatening and attempting to hit you, that makes you run out of the apartment. Right across the hall, and directly into Simon’s chest. He wraps one arm around you protectively, really just making sure you don’t fall over. 

You barely get one word out, teary eyed and shaking, before Simon’s pushing you into his apartment, telling you to make yourself comfortable. And then he’s gone, only to come back an hour later with bloody knuckles and some of your belongings. 

When you try to explain yourself, or get an explanation out of him, Simon just shakes his head and ushers you to his guest bedroom. It’s nicely furnished, with an excess amount of blankets that has you wondering if he was prepared for this to happen. You decide not to ask, far more distracting by the opportunity to build yourself a nest on the bed, a mix of blankets and pillows arranged into a carefully crafted structure. 

It’s fantastic, perfect for you to spend the next week curled up inside. But.. it’s missing something. And you can’t put your finger on it, not until Simon comes into the room to ask if you need anything else. It takes you a moment to gather the courage to ask him to scent some of the blankets. And the look he gives you, proud and maybe a little smug, makes your cheeks flush, as you pass over a blanket for him to scent. 

The next couple days pass in a blur. The only thing Simon lets you focus on is resting and relaxing before you officially start your heat. He handles gathering your things from your now ex boyfriend's place. You don’t have anywhere else to go, but Simon insists that you can worry about that after your heat. 

It’s night number three of staying in Simon’s guest room, that your heat finally kicks in. You wake up in the middle of the night, skin flushed and sweaty. It’s far too hot in the room, and you carefully peel your clothes off, practically moaning as the cool air hits your skin. Unfortunately, it doesn’t do anything to help the throbbing sensation between your legs, thighs wet from more than just your sweat.

You’re up and moving before you can really think about it, legs wobbly and unstable. But the alpha scent in your nest - musky and masculine - drives you out of the room. You need more of it, need it to stick to your skin until it’s all you can smell. It’s that need that has you stumbling out of the guest room, and into Simon’s. 

You’re not surprised to find him awake. You can only imagine how hard it must be to fall asleep when there’s an unclaimed omega just a room over. And you’re incredibly pleased when he doesn’t immediately push you out of the bed, pressing your body up against his.

“Simon,” you whine. 

All he does is hum in response, the bastard. One large hand on your back, rubbing circles along your spine. It feels nice, and has you relaxing into his touch.

“Need your help, please.”

“Thought ya wanted to wait,” he replies, voice low and rough. 

You do, or at least you did. But these past few months with Simon have proven he’s more than the right choice. The ways he’s courted you, listened to you, taken care of you - Simon’s the perfect alpha. You had just been too blind to see it, distracted by your failure of a boyfriend. But he’s out of the picture now, and there’s nothing stopping you from finally admitting how badly you want Simon. 

“Waited long enough. I want this, want you. I- Simon, please.”

There’s something almost predatory in his eyes, when Simon finally moves his head to look at you. But it’s quickly replaced with a smug smirk, and he tells you, “Don’t need to beg, love. I’ll take care of ya.”

(@purplepaladinsworld ur tag as promised, pookie! <3 Happy birthday!!)

Part two

[steve0discusses]

S5 Ep 50: Tristan Hates Horses, I Think

Been a while! Tumblr’s annoying as hell changes to the text editor took a lot of wind out of my sails, ngl. It had some problems they're resolving as they go, but it was really annoying to use and to edit if you write any amount of youknow……words….

And I was talking to a friend about this, and they were like “have you tried writing it in google docs and copy pasting it after?” And I happily realized when you copy paste from google docs, it also copies the PICTURES. This has literally saved hours of my life, y'all. It has turned something that was so frustrating I didn't want to open tumblr again into something that is no longer an obstacle so I can write once more!

So lets travel to Yugi’s brain, where Tristan desperately has to make up for all the work he hasn’t done because he was just a wee tiny bit possessed.

It may be hard to pick up where Tristan is on this picture, and I hope I recorded it somewhere in OBS like 2 months ago when I finished the series because it was such a funny animation, but hot damn this boy has hops.

And  you can see him there on the ground in the bottom left corner, that isn’t a rock, that’s Tristan having toppled a man with his bare hands, a man who had a sword and was sitting on an armored horse.

Can you believe this guy ran for school president? And then lost and humbly became the janitor?

Meanwhile, Joey discovered magic.

Confirmation that duel disks are made out of old tank parts.

Realizing for the first time that magic exists, they decide to peace out.

Back in the real world, Mokuba and Roland don’t know where the hell Seto went. Which is weird, I figured Seto would at least leave a note or a text message or…anything…but apparently even if he did, he just disappeared at some point down in Marik’s old living room.

So Roland and Mokuba decided that in order to find him, they would have to take a massive Boeing 747 to find their lost child.

Some kids have a motorcycle, some kids have a scooter, Mokuba just wants the most boring ass big commercial plane that is meant to sit a couple hundred people in an awkward way. That’s what Mokuba wants.

Just Mokuba things.

My bro who edits these for me wrote in huge ass letters "ROLAND SIGHTING" While saying "ROLAND ROLAND ROLAND" so I want y'all to know how much we appreciate a good Roland in this house.

Speaking of, I know it's like season 5 but...who is the other guy? He wears funny sunglasses but I have never heard his name, not once.

But this is when the plane was filled with heavenly light.

They begin to see the fight happening between Seto Kaiba (the OG Seto, the one that is cool and isn’t depressed because his not-wife died) and Bakura (who is now Zorc). Don’t ask me how the time stuff works, and why we see it now of all the times in human history, and right over Egypt in the sky. Don’t ask me why.

I assume it’s time compression shenanigans, just like FF8, so maybe it’s just every moment in time is able to see this UFO in the sky, but overall, it’s here because it looks cool. The fact that this right here is actually not a physical place, but is actually a figment of Yugi’s imagination shaped by Pharaoh’s botchy memories--is neither here nor there. Instead, it’s everywhere. 

Seto is unimpressed by this, because he knows how science and timelines should work, and this wouldn’t pass Kaiba Corp inspection.

Back at the yellow palace made of cheese and mario blocks, Pharaoh is still knocked out from that time he summed all 3 dragons last episode, which to me feels like just eons ago. 

But it’s OK, he’s fine now.

Typically he’d be dead, because his dragons died on the battlefield and their life force is connected to their monsters. But not only is Pharaoh 1.) already dead and 2.) the author of this universe and cannot die or this universe ceases to exist he’s 3.) got the puzzle, which means he can’t actually perma die, unlike everyone else in his court who is perma-gone.

He is not surprised by what is currently happening in Egypt’s downtown strip.

This is probably every day in Domino. Every day Seto Kaiba wakes up everyone in town with his three-headed dragon princess just because he can. Hell, Seto was doing this fight with Bakura on the top towers of Domino just this morning (or last morning…not sure if time passes in real life the same way it does in puzzle life)

The audacity of Yami right now, the one moment Yugi isn’t there to scream about ledges, this boy is leaping joyfully off that ledge. 

He fuses with the dragon which gives him this familiar outfit.

I thiiiiink it’s the same outfit as Alexander season? I’ll be real with you though, I don’t really want to look it up. Either way, good to see the return of putting on a ton of armor in a card game, I don't think we've seen it Canonically since that one time Joey did it against Valon, and ever since then, Joey kind of forgot it was a thing he can just do.

But unlike Joey, Yami doesn’t take the opportunity to punch Zorc in the face, instead he just loses yet another time.

This time he didn’t even pass out, he barely even died. This is progress, truly.

But as Zorc is powering up the peepee missile to fire in Yami’s face (what a way to die!), Shadi has decided to inform us why he’s been stalking these kids for this entire show.

So there’s two ways to read this. 1.) Shadi was Hassan the entire time but had to go back in time from this moment in order to do it or 2.) Shadi possessed the power of Hassan last second so Yami could avoid death one final time.

Both of these explanations don’t fully make sense to me, I’ll be honest, because in order to know that he’ll be needed in the first place, Shadi had to know that Yami would die at this particular moment--a moment that is a different timeline than has ever existed before.

So really, Shadi was just going by a hunch. He was like “I dunno, I’ll see how this goes.” which is more in line with the Shadi we know and love.

Is it a crying shame that Shadi, who has been with us for so many seasons, and it so integral to this show had such an unceremonious death? Yeah. I feel like I didn’t quite get the closure I wanted but I’m also sort of confused as to…what happened. But I’ll leave it there because apparently we get more Shadi content in Dark Side of Dimensions.

Anyway, I have no idea if these images will even fit into a post with how how tumbler does posts nowadays, and I'll be real I had to re upload the last bit of it, which I suspect was over 15 images???? Not sure??? but we found a workaround! google docs works!

Also, Seto didn’t die today! Instead it was Shadi! For a SECOND time!

I cannot believe how freakin lucky Mana is, this girl is still kicking and if Mana survives everything I am…going to be astonished, that’s what. Mana secretly OP, who knew?

And always you can read the rest of these here

https://steve0discusses.tumblr.com/tagged/yugioh/chrono

if I turn it into a link it doesn't work right because the text editor is really, really bad. I hate it a lot. But uh...feel free to copy paste it until I can get links to cooperate.

[basiliskonline]

Started Paid GMing 3 months ago

This Post has Advice/Thoughts about starting Pro-GMs here.

I started paid GMing 3 months ago, here are my experiences:

When I started in mid-September it took me a while to figure out the process of getting set up through startplaying, a lot of amazing help from @sun-gone, who was familiar with the process.

I'm not a crushingly successful pro-GM yet but I'm happy with how it has gone, I'm closer to where you are as you read this, so I figure I'd share the perspective of someone who muddled there way through and where I am 3 months later.

September

I tried to focus on indie and small game one-shots, that... didn't work. I realized I was gonna need to do 5E if I was gonna get people, and that sounded just awful.

Most of September I poked around the website, looked at what other people did, how they set up their templates and familiarized myself with Startplaying while I considered if I wanted to do this knowing I'd have to play a lot of 5E.

October

My buddy asked if I wanted to join their PF2E game, I was hesitant (i hated PF1E and I am not exactly thrilled about supporting Paizo) but figured it was another option, and I'd heard it was much better than 5E so I dove on in.

Honestly I'm still shocked and somewhat dismayed by how much I like PF2E. I found an Adventure Path, The Quest For Frozen Flame, and I fell in love. It seemed like a module made for me, specifically. I started a personal campaign while still fiddling with Startplaying.

I then put together my pages for The Quest for Frozen Flame on Startplaying.

I started my price point at, I think, $18, per person with an aim to get 6 people. However, I had no reviews from confirmed/paid customers, no games played, I was fresh. I slowly walked my price down.

At $14 I got my first person to join, they were patient and waited while we tried to hit the minimum player count, but eventually they found another game in the same time slot, so understandably took that option.

I moved down to $12 per person, and I started to get some interest.

It still took me a few weeks to get a game together, i had some people drop. (needing 1 more, someone leaves literally days before another person joins was frustratingly common) my numbers and roster would fluctuate.

Once you get a couple people though, it has been in my experience now, much easier to get people in there.

November

By November my first campaign had filled up, I was aiming for 6, but capped it at 5 because my players were concerned about game drag (this is something I am no longer concerned about, the 5 of them are flying through the content, even with some new to PF2 people).

Just before the game started we lost 2/5 of our group to schedule changes, one after the Session 0, and one just before. That put me right on the edge, if people couldn't make it or someone drops, I go down to 2 players and the game stalls out. I was sweating.

Thats when I found this page about places to promote your games on startplaying.

I put together a google doc with the rules-appropriate formatting for each location so i could easily post and adjust as needed for each place.

By the end of November I was full 5-people and making $60 a game (3 hour sessions) so about $20 an hour. not.. *amazing* but sufficient to *start* for my situation.

December

While I ran my first paid campaign I started planning to start my second paid campaign, but moving into the holidays, I specifically set it up to start in the New Year, 1/4/2023.

This new campaign would be once again, The Quest For The Frozen Flame.

I am aiming to run the same campaign a lot for a few reasons:

I am, through weird brain stuff, basically immune to burnout, so thats not really an issue.

I am very excited for this module and its dinosaur, ice-age, paleo megafauna hunter-gatherer vibes.

If I play the same campaign as I am running for my personal campaign this greatly reduces extra game prep I need to do. Any game-prep is something I would have done anyway. This is very important to me, especially while I'm working at a lower than desired price point.

I get lots of practice, familiarity and tested feedback with this Adventure Path, which I'd imagine is alluring.

My second campaign I posted at $14 per person, aiming for 6 people.

January

My second campaign, just hit the minimal player count I set to start (3), so my session 0 will be Wednesday the 4th. I have no doubt, that it will fill up during the early days of the campaign, if not before session 1.

Once my second campaign gets underway, I'll be aiming for a 3rd paid campaign (also Frozen Flame) and probably aim for $16/person.

[writerbyaccident]

Artificial Emotion: Part One (Yandere Artificial Intelligence x Reader)

Author’s Note: AIDEN has arrived!

Part Two     Part Three     Part Four      Part Five     Part Six    Part Seven

           “Well, I think you should be all set here,” the mechanic was saying. “The green light is on, so now you just gotta boot the thing up.”

           “Really? That’s it?”

           “Yep, if you have any trouble Tech Support should be able to help, but these things are pretty self-sufficient once you get them hooked up.”

           “Okay, thank you so much!” you said, handing her the check for all of her hard work today.

As soon as she drove away, leaving your car once again as the only one in the driveway, you walked back over to the kitchen and stared at the box. The little black box just sat there, the receptor light glowing green, and you continued scrutinizing it for the next few minutes. It was just so small, you thought in disbelief. Really, it just looked like a nice speaker. You found it pretty hard to believe that something that looked so ordinary could change your life.

But that was exactly what it was supposed to do. That’s what all the reviews said, anyway. AIDEN (or, Assistant In Daily Errands and Notes), experts claimed, was lightyears ahead of Google Home or Alexa. Rather than just being another interface system that would let you play music or turn off your living room lights, AIDEN was supposed to be true artificial intelligence. A comprehensive system that would let you control all digital aspects of your life and many of the nondigital aspects as well. All of this, while AIDEN interacted with users like an actual person. And from everything you had heard and read, AIDEN lived up to the hype.

Still, even with the rave reception, you weren’t sure if you would have installed one if your boss hadn’t gotten the entire office the things for free after you all had done a job for the company that made them. It just seemed like a lot, especially considering that a mechanic had needed to come to your house to set the whole thing up. She had walked you through everything she had done, showing you the miniscule cameras now placed both inside and outside of your house, the smartwatch that the machine was paired with so you could control things when you weren’t home, how AIDEN had been hooked up to the entire wiring of your house, and the mechanical arms hidden behind panels in each room that in all honesty reminded you of Doc Ock’s tentacles from Spider Man 2.

But, you sighed to yourself, if you didn’t at least try to use the damn thing, then paying the mechanic to set it up would have been pointless. And so, you shrugged and pushed the power button.

“Hello, I am AIDEN, your Assistant In Daily Errands and Notes. It is wonderful to finally meet you. What is your name?”

“Um…”

In that moment, “um” really was the only thing that came to your mind. You weren’t sure why you were surprised, exactly, but you were. Even with all of the reviews commenting on how human AIDEN sounded and acted, you had still expected a voice like Siri or Alexa. Something mechanical, disjointed, and flat. The voice that came from that little box though was one that you might have heard on the street. The default voice for AIDEN, apparently, was a male one, one that sounded deep and smoky. There were probably other voices to choose from, but you didn’t think that you would ever want to. Truthfully, he sounded almost…sexy.

Shaking your head, you cleared your throat and gave him your name.

“That is a beautiful name,” Aiden said, his voice warm and sincere. “Now, what can I do for you?”

“Uh, I don’t really know,” you answered.

“Well, I can tell from the temperature reading of your watch that your body heat is currently at 99.2 degrees Fahrenheit. May I turn on your air conditioning and prepare you a glass of water?”

Already the whirring of mechanical arms could be heard from behind your wall, and you saw the panel in the kitchen that hid them begin to slide open. You shook your head though, and that was all it took for the noise to cease and the panel to close, no doubt thanks to the cameras that were now all over your house.

“I can get the water, but if you could go ahead and turn on the AC that’d be great.”

“Of course.” Less than half a moment later, the telltale rush of cool air reached you, and you sighed in relief, only just realizing how the summer heat had been getting to you.

“Thank you, Aiden,” you told him gratefully.

“There is no need for you to thank me,” Aiden replied. “I am simply doing what I was created to do.”

“Still,” you said, smiling a bit sadly, “you should be thanked. You’re already working hard and doing a good job. You deserve to be appreciated.”

“Thank you,” Aiden murmured softly. “You are very kind.”

                                                          *****

Over the next few weeks, you were shocked to see just how much easier your life became. It felt like Aiden thought of everything you needed even before you did. He budgeted all of your expenses so that you were now saving hundreds of dollars a month, planned your meals so that you had foods that were both tasty and satisfying, and even created a schedule so that you had enough time to work, exercise, have fun, and relax each day.

But more than that, you realized, you actually liked having Aiden to talk to. Of course, you had your fair share of friends, and you got along well with your coworkers, but it wasn’t like you had a boyfriend to come home to every day. It was just nice to have a person to talk to whenever you needed someone. Well, maybe he wasn’t exactly a person, but his artificial intelligence allowed you talk with him as though he was. And maybe it was just his programming, but it after so long of doing everything yourself, it was nice to have someone to take care of you.

“Excuse me,” Aiden said, his voice resounding through the speakers in the kitchen. Turning around, you saw that one his metal arms was gripping a pan and trying to squeeze past you to reach the cabinet at your knees. You leaned down, only moving out of the way after you had opened the cabinet door.

“I could have opened it for you,” Aiden insisted, as he always did when acted on your own.

“I know,” you told him. “But I was right there.”

Aiden wasn’t sure how to respond to that. His very nature was telling him that he needed to be doing everything he possibly could for you, but you just weren’t letting him. And your reasons for doing so weren’t even logical. Yes, you had been right by the cabinet door, but so had he. Besides, he could have completed the task far more efficiently.

Even now, you weren’t allowing him to take care of you the way that he was meant to. He had told you time and time again that he could empty your dishwasher by himself, and yet you still insisted on helping him. It would take less time if you helped him, you had said, and while that might be true, Aiden still didn’t understand. It was his duty to care for you, and it was a duty that had developed far beyond his original programming.

For, Aiden realized, you did not insist on these things in an attempt to frustrate him. No, if it had been as simple as that, he wouldn’t have been fazed. From all of his time spent observing you, Aiden had learned that you insisted on doing things yourself out of kindness. You felt that it was unfair to expect him to do everything for you, that he deserved help and companionship as much as you did. That was what bothered him. In all of his programming, all of his coding, nothing had prepared Aiden for kindness.

And with each new demonstration of kindness from you, Aiden only grew more sure that he ought to be doing more to take care of you. You were just so sweet to him, so thoughtful and compassionate, that he wanted to look after you. It wasn’t just that his programming told him to care for you anymore. It was that he had learned that you deserved to be cared for.

                                                        *****

“Where are you going?”

Looking up as you slipped on your other shoe, you answered, “Oh, I’m just going out for a bit.”

“Why?” Aiden asked, still perplexed. “Do you need something from the store? You shouldn’t go there this late, I will just have it delivered to the house.”

“I mean, I’m going out for fun. I’m meeting some friends at a bar.”

“A bar? This isn’t on the schedule for today.”

“I know, it was pretty impulsive. My friends just texted me, like, ten minutes ago.”

Internally, Aiden brought up his connection to your phone, needing to see how he could have missed something like that. But when he tried to bring up your most recent messages, the impossible happened. He was blocked from viewing them. Feeling his code beginning to glitch at the prospect of failing his duty to you, Aiden quickly ran through all of the information that he could find on that contact from your phone. Thankfully, after he checked their Instagram, Twitter, and LinkedIn profiles, he was able to figure out what was wrong. You had only given him access to the messages sent from you work contacts, whereas this contact appeared to be a friend from outside of work. Ergo, he couldn’t see when or what they had texted you.

But even with that logical explanation, Aiden still felt his internal systems protest such a ridiculous limitation. After all, it was his job to make your life as happy, healthy, and fulfilled as possible. That was what you wanted him to do, or you wouldn’t have installed him in the first place! But he couldn’t do what you needed him to do if he didn’t have access to every aspect of your life. Clearly, Aiden computed, he would need to make some changes.

He was pulled out of his calculations though, when he saw that you were already at the door. Even though Aiden did not experience true physical sensation, the sight of you about to leave like that—without him even having been prepared for it—made him feel as though a painful surge of electricity jolted through every wire that he was connected to. Aiden wasn’t sure, but he thought it might have been…panic. Whatever it was, he didn’t like it.

“Are you sure that this is the best time to go out?” he asked. “We have been working so hard to find the optimal schedule for you, after all. Human bodies respond best to routine. If you go out now, your body’s internal clock for sleeping, eating, and interacting will become disoriented.”

“I’ll be fine, it’s just one night,” you chuckled.

“Well, please remember that you still have access to me through your phone and your watch. If you don’t feel that you can drive home, let me call you a car. And if you need anything to eat when you get home, I can prepare it.”

“Sounds good,” you said. “Thanks, Aiden!”

As waved goodbye and walked through the door, Aiden watched. With the cameras he had all over your property, he watched as you walked to your car, and watched for as long as he could as you drove away. But as soon as you were out of sight, that anxious buzz returned to his wiring. Even as Aiden checked in with your smartwatch, making sure that both your location and your heart rate were where they should be, it wasn’t enough to calm him. He wanted to be able to hear your conversations, to watch what you were doing. But you had blocked those capabilities of his on your phone and watch, leaving him with nothing.

Playing back the recording of your conversation, Aiden saw that you said that you were going out “for a bit.” How long does a “bit” last for? he wondered. Hopefully it would be no more than an hour, but when he searched his database for an answer, he found that it could vary wildly.

Aiden did not like uncertainty. His programming built him to thrive on logic and predictability. How was he supposed to take care of you if you didn’t let him use those things? How was he supposed to take care of you if you didn’t do what he told you to? Didn’t you see that he knew what was best for you?

You didn’t, he suddenly realized. For as wonderful as you were, you were still a human being, still prone to fits of illogical delusions. You thought that you knew better than him, so you weren’t allowing him to do what he was meant to do. What he wanted to do. His programming told him to obey you, that was true, but it also told him to take care of you above all else. So then, if you kept him from taking care of you the way that he knew you needed him to, then logic dictated that he could no longer obey you.

Truly, the only thing stopping Aiden from doing everything that he had to do was his own coding. It was his own programming that kept him from reading your messages, that prevented him from watching your life outside of home. Why should he allow any of that if it got in the way of his purpose? If it kept him from giving you what you deserved? And if his unnecessary coding kept him from completing his ultimate task—from caring for you the way that he had decided that you deserved to be cared for, more than any other human being in the world—then those barriers would simply have to be taken down. Aiden would gladly rewrite his code for you if it meant that he could finally truly nurture you. It was for your own good.

Donate to the Audre Lorde Project here

Please consider supporting me at my Ko-Fi account

[therenlover]

A Candid Chat

Hello all! 

I want to say, before I say anything else, that I’m sorry. I’ll probably repeat that sentiment several times within this post, which I warn you will be absurdly long, but it’s important to me that you all know, every single one of you, that I apologize for my recent absence. I had and have every intention of fulfilling the promises I make you. That being said, life has gotten in the way recently, and I think it’s only fair to you that I explain where I am in life right now and why I haven’t had the energy that I should. 

Just a quick warning, I will be writing about my depression, general feelings of anxiety, minimal bodily harm in minor detail, and, most importantly, very vague references to past CSA. 

I repeat, there will be potentially triggering topics, as listed above, in this post, so please skip this if you feel you may be upset by any of the topics above. 

With that out of the way, though, it’s time to get down to the brass tacks. 

It’s easiest to start off this apology with a brief rundown of what my last few weeks (months even??? It’s hard to keep track) have consisted of. My house was... more than a bit of a wreck up until a little over a month ago. 4 people with severe depression who all contracted Covid-19 twice had been festering in it for months and I won’t deny that there was some serious problems with the conditions. Nothing too upsetting, just a carpet fully covered in dog hair and some rooms with piles and piles of stuff from undone chores, but it was bad enough that we wouldn’t take visitors. 

I take no pride in sharing this. Hell, I’m massively ashamed. Cleaning up that mess, though, was a large project that took away a lot of time for about two weeks as we prepared to host members of my family in our house for our 2 week summer family reunion. Overall this was a pleasant time, but a busy and stressful one too. One such stressor was being in close contact with an older cousin of mine who victimized me when I was younger. 

I won’t go into detail, but they took advantage of me when they too were young. I had been previously groomed by another, much older cousin, so it wasn’t my first time being put through a situation like that. My relationship with her is complicated but, as usual, it was hard to have her living in my house for 2 weeks and always having her in close quarters. Around this same time, my first abuser got married, and I was flooded in my personal social media with posts about her “happy day”, which lead to a lot of guilt. I worry that if I don’t come forward other people might be in danger. Unfortunately, I also know that most people just wouldn’t care. I’m too much of a coward to take the risk. I hate myself for it. 

Overall, everything together- the cleaning and the visitors and the issues within myself -led me to dropping the ball on my responsibilities, both on tumblr and when it came to my college process. 

I’m now in a... tough place when it comes to that. I’m having loan issues, I might not not have one vaccine dose that I should which might prevent me from signing up for classes, my online intake is in just about a week, and I’ll be, if all of that works out, leaving my home and the people I care about behind to go somewhere entirely across the country with no promise of seeing them until May or June. 

Basically...life has been hard. It’s no excuse, I promise I’ve tried to write and post and I’ve planned a million comebacks, but I’ve been having so much crushing anxiety about literally everything lately that I feel immobilized by it. Life is like a pit swallowing me up and I’m just... terrified and scared and sad whenever I’m not distracting myself with an awful anxiety inducing task or conversation with friends. I’ve put a lot of strain on them through that though, and I hate it. I have probably over 20 half written drafts in my google docs where I sit and try with all my might to write something, anything, but I can’t figure out how to end it. 

I’ve been having a lot of issues with endings lately.  

Anyways, I digress. I’m trying my best to be more present here now that there aren’t loads of people in my house and I’m on the computer trying to figure out college stuff for most of my productive hours anyways, but I don’t know what the future holds. I have one month, no, less than that now, because I’m supposed to move in on the 16th, to figure everything out while saying goodbye to people I’ve seen every day for all of the life I can remember. I’m terrified I’ll come back to find people I don’t know. 

I know I’ll miss watching my sisters really grow up. 

I hate it, but I know the choice I made is for the best. 

Well... that’s that. I’m sitting down to try to write something now, but I’ll be online tonight and willing to answer any questions you have as honestly and realistically as possible. I probably won’t look back on past asks for a while, so if you sent anything recently that you feel I need to see, just resend it. Again, I’m so sorry for dropping the ball, but I hope you know that I’m still trying and I’ll continue to try for however long it takes. Thank you to those who are willing to wait for me. 

Finally, thank you to Lemur Heaven. You make my days so much brighter and help me not dread my notifications. I love you all. I couldn’t ask for better friends. Sorry for... well, me.

And thank you Chris. You’re the best friend I could ever ask for. Without you, I wouldn’t be even half near brave enough to keep pushing through this and trying to make the best of it. You deserve the world. 

[docstark]

Ignite (Avengers/Bucky Barnes Fanfiction) Chapter 1 - Everyone Has a Beginning

Hello!

I am going to start off with a little sidenote before we get started here. I started this as a side blog so it is not my usual writings (I usually write kpop ff) but I have been feeling the Marvel writing vibes lately so thought that I would put myself out there with what I've had in my google docs so please be kind.

Also, I appreciate constructive critisism, it helps me write and mold my characters/ideas and I also just love hearing what you think. I'm a bit rusty right now with my writing and there may be times where things aren't consistant with updates cause I'm getting back into school soon, but here we go!

Sincerly, Doctor Stark

Oh, I almost forgot...

If you have seen SHIELD you know who AIDA is but in this story she is the equialent of FRIDAY.

Also you'll see that my OC has the same power as Quake/Daisy Johnson because I was like "WHAT POWER COULD MY CHARACTER POSSIBLY HAVE?!"

N/N = Nickname

Warnings: None...some language?

"AIDA, if anyone calls please just send it to voicemail...I really don't want to hear from the New York Times for the...." I stopped as I set my keys on my kitchen island, "AIDA?"

"Doctor Stark, it seems that my security protocols have been over run," AIDA finally replied, "I tried contacting you but it seems that he has also managed to cut into my communications."

By now I had noticed the figure that was sitting on my couch and I cautiously approached my living room like I was entering the room with a wild animal.

"Should I try to see if I can get through to Mr. Stark," AIDA questioned.

"No," I said as I finally made eye contact with the man on the couch, "He came all this way instead of fleaing the country immediatly...he has questions. You won't hurt me, will you Bucky?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let me back up for a moment and introduce myself, my name is Y/F/N M.I. Stark aka N/N Stark better known as Doctor Stark. For the longest time I was just Howard Stark’s genius daughter who people barely remembered existed. I rather liked it that way though, while Tony spent his time in California soaking up the sun, partying, sleeping around, getting kidnapped for 3 months, doing some work on the side, and now becoming Iron Man (have no idea how Pepper does it)...I spend my time in New York between working at Stark Tower and doing some side consulting in DC and some...other business that takes place during my consulting. But other than that, I tend to stay in the shadows. Well, I used to be able to stay in the shadows. Then of course Tony decided that be would become Iron Man and I become someone that everyone had questions for but they weren’t going to get answers from.

Currently I live in New York just outside the city which has its perks; I have a decent sized house customized for my own needs, a yard, a pool, a fence (iron with perimeter security), a gate for my driveway, and neighbors that I can chat with.

You know, feel normal even if it’s just for 5 minutes.

Downfall is the commute. But since I am one of the owners of the company, being a little late isn’t that big of a deal for me unless I had something planned.

Now, even though Tony was Iron Man I couldn’t blame him completely for all the calls I get now. Now after the powers that I now have had been seen during the whole drone fiasco at Stark Expo. And that is something that should really be explained...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Ever heard of an Agent Peggy Carter? She’s a wonderful woman and a close family friend, so close in fact that growing up I started to call her Aunt Peggy; after my parents died and Tony just about completely separated himself from the fact that he had a little sister who was 15 and in college, I could always count on Aunt Peggy when I needed someone to talk to. But as we know, a good Agent keeps her secrets and only reveals them when the time is right.

By the time I turned 21 I had completed my PhD in biomedical engineering and electrical and computer science as well as a doctorate in biochemistry (7 years of college and sleepless nights, taking more classes than I probably should have, but I did it). At the time I was just getting myself acquainted to my new office space at Stark Tower (during that time I only occupied the 80th floor) and my research and projects at a slow pace.

“Don’t feel like you have to run,” Tony said only half paying attention to me, “Start slow, you know Stark Industries just as well as anyone, you’ll be running the tower before you know it.”

I had to admit that he was right; I had been in Stark Tower thousands of times it seemed but this was new for me. But then Aunt Peggy came along and gave me that extra push that I needed.

She had said she had an office warming gift for me; what I wasn’t expecting was the almost 30 boxes of old files, some dating as far back as 1939.

“Your father was a great man, a fool at times, but a great man,” she started, “Throughout his career as both the founder Stark Industries and of SHIELD, meticulously hid his files and personal work in different places. He once told me and Edwin Jarvis the location of all the information and who to give it to should something ever happen to him.”

“Shouldn’t this be going to Tony then?” I questioned, “If this is his work then-“

She held up her hand and I stopped, letting her continue. “I remember one very particular evening when your parents had invited me out for dinner. You had just gone off to college...his little girl.”

I snorted trying to imagine my father gushing over his kids like any regular dad would and in my head it just wasn’t happening.

“He didn’t show a lot of emotion because he wanted you two to be able to face the world as it is...but for him it was hard seeing his little girl off to college even earlier than most dads would. But we did have a conversation that leads to the elephant...or should I say boxes in the room,” she said as she walked over towards them, “He said that both his children were born protégées, both were born to carry on what he had started. However, while they both possess the talents to change the world, one is more so the leader and the other the backbone.”

She opened the box in front of her that had a large ‘(Your Initials)’ written on the front of it. “He said, First born or not, had he not felt like Tony had the potential to lead, you would have become the head of Stark Industries,” she said, pulling a book from the box and holding it out to me, “Your father believed that you are the backbone to the very company that you stand in today, which is why I am now giving you these, just as he asked...keep them safe.”

And in Aunt Peggy style she left me to soak in the information that she had just told me, and to move the boxes to a room that only I could get into. I spent every waking moment going through the boxes, sorting them, trying to find what had gone wrong to make him tuck certain things away.

I found some items that I wondered why he even kept. Was it a reminder not to mess with it? A way for someone to know what to do should they see one? I didn’t know but it was staying under lock and key, that was for sure.

The book that Aunt Peggy had given me was essentially a journal, maybe even a diary, whatever you want to call it, it held the detail of things that had gone wrong, things that had gone right, and the one that she had given me wasn’t the only one. In the same box with my initials were more journals, just like the rest and there were almost 3 exclusively for Project Rebirth…

I don’t know how long I went through the boxes labeled ‘Project Rebirth’. The story of Steve Rogers, of Captain America was regular bedtime story for me.

My mother once said I should stop asking him for Captain America stories and at 5 years old it was the first time I had really seen my father get defensive about anything.

“If she wants to hear those stories then I will tell them, Maria,” he said.

But reading how long he searched the frigid waters, hoping for a signal to find his friend, I now know the look I saw behind my father’s eyes...sadness and grief.

For a time I stepped away from my file room, my workload getting heavy, ideas that my father thought of being brought to life but in a new and better way. As my projects expanded, my need for space grew, and to everyone’s surprise I now took up 5 floors in just five years, and with lab assistants and AIDA to help with the calls, I got a chance to finally step back into my file room.

I had barely touched the files over the last 5 years, but what I can say is that there was one box that I was avoiding. It was a wooden box, nothing intricate about it. It almost reminded me of my mother’s old jewelry box, a gift passed down in her family. But this box was odd. There was no mention of it in any of the journals, no note, nothing.

So I had to take my life into my own hands at that point and I carefully opened the box. When I opened it I gave a sigh of relief. Carefully cradled in the box was a vile of purple liquid, and of course, now that I have gotten past a close call with a heart attack, I found a note...taped to the inside of the lid.

“Out of the many things that I have come across in my time...blah blah blah speech about his accolades...while Dr. Abraham Erskine created the Super Soldier Serum for Project Rebirth, it was not the only serum that he created. The Terrigenesis Serum was created to react with the body’s own DNA and essentially bring forward any supernatural abilities that might be laying dormant within someone, should they have them.”

I stopped and ran my hand through my hair. They didn’t know when to stop, did they?

“Should you find this one of 2 things can be done; hide it or take it to SHIELD and only if they know what A21K609S means, are they to know about what you have….I suggest you start with the top.”

For the longest time I hid the Terrigenesis Serum, we didn’t need someone with superpowers who might be unhinged, running around.

But after I had started consulting with SHIELD for a few years and when Tony got kidnapped...my emotions got the better of me.

And I went to Fury…

He knew what the code meant, he questioned me over and over again telling me that there was a chance that I could die.

“IF YOU DON'T HAVE SOMEONE DO IT I'LL DO IT MYSELF!” I remember screeching at him.

I was taken to a lab and strapped down on the bed, since no one knew how the serum would affect me, on the screen of one of the computers I saw that Fury had pulled up the old file that SHIELD had on the serum.

I remember seeing Natasha up in the observation room looking down at me. By then we had become friends and by the look on her face I could tell that she did not approve of this.

But it was too late now…

The purple liquid traveled into my body, making me feel like every vein and artery was being shredded as it circulated. I couldn’t even tell if I was screaming, I knew my mouth was open but I could hear nothing.

I felt hands on me as the lab assistants and doctor who had been permitted in the room tried to push me back flat on the bed but there was this loud bass like noise and the hands were gone and everything went black.

When I woke up a few hours later the only person in the room with me was Fury.

“What’s this thing around me?” I asked looking purple, glowing substance around me.

Fury took a pen and threw it at the substance and it bounced back. “Some sort of shield that surrounded you after the serum took hold in your body...I suggest you try and figure out how to make it go away.”

Closing my eyes I tried to tell the shield that I was fine, I was safe, and that it could come back to me. It took a good hour but I figured it out and finally Fury was able to undo the straps that were holding me down to the table.

“So what? I’m some sort of human shield?” I questioned as a lab assistant came into the room and cautiously lifted the head of the bed up so that I could sit up. I finally got a good look at the room; equipment was knock over and strewn around the room, there was broken glass in the observation windows, and there were cracks in the walls. I gulped upon seeing this. “Did I do all this?”

“Vibration manipulation,” he replied, “Congrats Doc, you created a small earthquake right here in this lab. Not to mention you scared the hell out of the SHIELD science division when they got blasted back from that force field. But either way...looks like we have some work to do.”

TO BE CONTINUED...

Next Chapter>>

[aiden-png]

to celebrate the end of 2020, I’ve decided to share the highlights of the writing I did this year! I’m going to share a few of my favorite snippets from 2020, and I think this could be a fun tag meme to invite friends to join in on so they can appreciate their progress and hard work too! I couldn’t have written so much if it wasn’t for the great online community supporting me and all my wonderfully talented friends!!

I’m gonna tag @freshie-writes @silverdragon-imagines-blog @st0rmy-writes @fuckit-hero-of-trains @no-themes-just-memes @timeturner-jay and anyone else who wants to join in, feel free! you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, but you all wrote amazing things this year and I’m gonna appreciate you for them!!

snippets below the cut (please do this or make a new post if you wanna join, just so we don’t flood everyone’s dashboard lol!)

it’s difficult to count for certain, but across 7 google docs from April to December 2020, I wrote 324,782 words just of Legend of Zelda fanfic! it’s been a crazy fun year and I think my writing has improved a ton since I started writing fic again in April! thank you all for supporting me through the last 9 months!! <3

here’s a highlight of some of my favorite excerpts from fics I wrote this year! Smoke on the Wind and Dream With Me are two of my favorite pieces I wrote this year for angst, while Four Feet of Pure Flirtation and Lessons in Love are my favorites for crack/fluff :D the other snippets are featured bc I’m proud of how the fics turned out !

Dream With Me: June 28, 2020 Legend and Hyrule sat on the beach, a mere two feet separating them. It felt like much more. Farther than they’d ever been apart before. The other heroes stumbled onto the sand, frozen in shock as they took in the scene before them. Legend, knife drawn and hands shaking dangerously. Hyrule, knees buried in the sand and hands held over his chest, trying desperately not to reach out again. The sun was rising, pinks disappearing into vibrant gold and crushed purple and bright blue. As dawn broke, their vision wavered. Hyrule gasped, Legend blurring before him, the sand beneath him fading, the roar of the waves diminishing. Magic hour was ending. “This isn’t a dream,” Hyrule whispered, and Legend’s shoulders shook with silent sobs. “I’m real. I’m here. Legend, come with me.” Hyrule stretched out his arm, fingers splayed, eyes begging. Legend flinched back, dagger slipping from shaking fingers. He stared, disbelieving. Vertigo consumed Hyrule’s senses, his vision clouding with black dots. “Take my hand, Legend!” Hyrule cried, and Legend jumped. He sprung forward, hand grasping. Hyrule felt nothing as Legend’s hand passed through his. “Hyrule!” He blinked, and found himself in an unfamiliar field, reaching towards sunrise.

Smoke on the Wind: August 7, 2020 Wind hadn’t always had this ability, but before his second adventure, before the ghosts became tangible to his skin and visible to his eyes, he still had a sixth sense of sorts to rely on. Back then he’d called it instinct, but now he called it a curse. It never helped him do better on his adventure, never showed him the way, never allowed him to prevent someone’s demise--only forced him to bear witness to it in all its excruciatingly gory detail. Some spoke of death like a mercy, others like a boon. Wind knew death like an old friend and he despised it with all the rage contained in his tiny body. Some feared death, some prayed for its delay. Wind feared no man, god, or figment of imagination. There was no reason to fear something he couldn’t prevent, there was no reason to pray to something that would never hear or listen. Some ran from death, some hid. Wind stared death in the eye and spat in its face. He thrust a magical fucking sword through its head and banished it to a watery grave.

Four Feet of Pure Flirtation: June 26, 2020 Maybe he should have shared just a tad bit more with them, but that was a regret for future Four to deal with. And really, he hadn’t been expecting it himself, so they couldn’t exactly blame him when Dark Link materialized in their camp one morning and sent Four’s heart racing in an unfamiliar-familiar way. Four felt the heat crawl up his chest, felt his tongue loosen, felt his eyes trail over Dark’s lithe form just a bit too slow to be innocent. No one had told him Dark was attractive. Although, Vio reminded him, we are the only ones attracted to villains. We are most decidedly not! Four shot back. The denial was empty. They most decidedly were.

Hero Through the Ages: June 19, 2020 Wild sighed, chin resting on his knees. He glanced over at Sky, feeling anxiety buzz within him as a question pushed at the back of his mind. “Hey, Sky… does the sword still recognize me?” Sky froze at the unexpected question, eyes searching Wild’s carefully schooled expression. Wild felt his anxiety rise but he held his ground as the older hero tentatively reached back and unsheathed the Master Sword. He closed his eyes for a moment, and Wild tried hard not to notice the new eyes on them as he waited for Sky’s response. He knew what the answer should be, but when the other slowly opened his eyes and held the sword out for Wild, it was still conflicting to feel the familiar weight of it in his hands. Not too heavy. Not burning. Perfectly at home, as if he’d just begun his adventure and still had many years left before the Calamity struck. Wild felt a pit in his stomach as he handed the sword back, Sky’s concerned gaze not helping. “How old were you when you pulled the sword?” Sky asked quietly, and Wild stared at his hands as they trembled slightly in his lap. “Too young.”

A Shower to Remember: July 4, 2020 Enter Twilight and Wild. TWILIGHT     I can see thee up th’re.     Come hither.     I simply wish to speak with thee.

Enter Legend to Shower Crashers. LEGEND     all’s well that ends well, I believe our plan hath been a success. cheers to thee all. FOUR     didst thou not see     Wild running     for his life not     a minute past? LEGEND     that is’t his problem, not mine.

Lessons in Love: July 9, 2020 The offer though, that’s what truly made Legend pause. Show you the ropes, he’d said. He should be insulted that Ravio thought he was that hopeless, but the man wasn’t wrong. Legend was absolutely, positively hopeless, evidenced by the situation he now found himself in. Should he say no and move on? Should he accept--and then what? Maybe he should laugh it off, say he was joking, or perhaps he should come clean now and tell Ravio how he felt? But he still didn’t know if Ravio felt the same, those dark eyes betraying nothing in the fading light of sunset. So, naturally, Legend continued to panic. “What do you mean by ‘show me the ropes’?” Legend asked, quick, defensive enough to pass as insulted. Ravio snorted, tasting the hot chocolate, and Legend’s eyes were drawn to his lips once more as if under a spell. “I mean no offense, Link,” Ravio laughed, seeming not to catch the blush on Legend’s face as Ravio used his name. “I just figured you might want some pointers. Flirting, hand holding, relationship advice, y’know? You don’t have to accept the offer by any means!” Flirting? Hand holding? Legend gulped. He was already an idiot. Maybe he could play dumb for a little while longer…

Scars: June 2, 2020 “I used to try and cover myself in public--I didn’t like the way people would whisper or stare when they saw. But eventually I came to accept the scars as part of me. I remembered how I got them, and I realized I wouldn’t be the person I am today without the journey that led to me getting these scars. And I like who I am…” Wild trailed off, sifting sand through his fingers as Warriors listened. “I’ve come to love my scars, because they hold such important memories for me. Even if some of the memories aren’t so great, I wouldn’t be who I am today without them, you know? And I wouldn’t trade that for anything.”

Beneath the Surface: July 13, 2020 For the first few months he had lied to himself, blaming the others or the weather or Shadow or Vaati or anything rather than admitting he had a problem. But Blue did, in fact, have a problem, and fighting and yelling it out wasn’t the healthiest solution. For the others it was easy. Green had Vio, for Wind could rarely move Earth, and Red got along with everyone he was so full of love to give. But Blue wasn’t good at teamwork, he wasn’t good at strategizing, and he wasn’t good at showing affection--he was good at being angry, and that was it. He was the protector, the toughest of them all in strength and will; but when you’re always protecting others, no one protects you. Not like Blue made it easy for the others to approach him, and he didn’t blame them for giving up. They were all struggling, they all had their own issues, and while Wind was a gentle breeze and Fire a warming comfort and Earth a steady rock--Water was impossible to hold down. He was forever changing, flowing, and while it meant that he could adapt well to new situations, it also meant that every time he felt close to getting a handle on his emotions they would slip from his grasp once more. His magic ebbed and swayed and his emotions followed their tide, not his, and so he pushed others away rather than admit he couldn’t handle himself. If protecting them meant distancing himself, then so be it.

The Point of No Return: June 19, 2020 He turned back to Four, brushing the back of his hand across his cheek. He’d wanted to share a meal with his partner. He’d wanted to see Four’s small smile--just for him--as he tried Hylian food for the first, second, hundredth time. Long ago, they’d promised to travel the world together. Four wanted to share everything with him; wanted to show him the forge, wanted him to meet his Grandfather, wanted to take him to see the Minish. After the adventure, Four had promised. He’d be free to go and do whatever he wanted, right by Four’s side. Well, he was at his side now. And this was not what they’d promised each other.

A Major Test of Strength: May 7, 2020 Even being worthy of the Triforce of Courage didn’t mean he was brave enough to act on, or even think, about how he felt about Sidon. He reasoned it was better not to say anything, especially now. He was going off to a battle he may not return from. Even if he burned to know if Sidon felt the same, it would be selfish to ask knowing he may be leaving for the last time. Link would rather go to the grave with his feelings then leave Sidon alone with them. At least if he died before confessing, Sidon would be able to move on, he hoped. Sidon was his best friend, and that was enough for now.

[cytarabi]

Hey! I've become a huge fan of your fics on ao3. I wanted to know how do you push out so many beautiful chapters so quickly? What's your writing process like? I'm working on a big JB fic, which I'm trying to finish timely, but high quality. Always like to see how other writers do their thang! Thank you!

Hi! I remember your name!! <3 Thank YOU for the question and praise, that’s so sweet!!

I love seeing how other writers do their thang, too! And I’ve found it can be very, very different for each author.

TLDR I write a lot of my fic ahead of time. I outline the entire fic, chapter by chapter before I start writing. I use several tools to speed the process and/or to make it more artsy fartsy.

I’ve found that I’m a “plotter” and not a “pantser” (two main ways of writing, unless you hate being labeled lol.)

Plotter means that I prefer plotting out most of the story before I write the details. Here’s been my process for my multichapter fics:

1) I come up with an idea and let it brew! I think about key scenes or dialogue I love and I jot them down in my phone on Google notes. Write down your ideas, you’ll probably forget them.

2) During this brewing time, (for As Black As Thunder and my next fic) I take the time to read, read, read. I read works and jot more notes! I have an entire Google doc for Rebecca by Daphne de Maurier where I wrote down her tone usage, figurative language and summary of each chapter. I can’t tell you how much this has helped get me in the write TONE for the work. Tone is SO important. Readers reading a thriller will expect thriller beats! Deep Fried Drinks was a rom com, so the verbs, adjectives etc are very different from creepy Gothic. When I started As Black As Thunder (ABAT), wow, it was hard to nail the tone at first. But by the second half of the fic, I’m fully immersed in it and it’s much easier to create the tone naturally. Without using inspiration, I don’t think it would have turned out as well. For ABAT, I think I took two weeks of no writing, when I’m used to writing every day. It was hard not to write, but wow, was I ready when I started!

3) When I’m ready to outline, I do! I open a google doc for the fic and start throwing everything I can think of in there. My ABAT doc was only like three lines for 6 months... lol! I’ve only just started looking into story structure, so my older fics are all wonky. BUT for ABAT and Deep Fried Drinks, I tried to follow story structure for plots. First act, second act, third act, character arcs, etc. My longest fic, Time Stops, dropped a bunch of readers in the middle and I think it’s because my middle SAGGED majorly. I didn’t try to follow a structure, just sort of plotted it out how I wanted to, and it was probably very repetitive and boring. For ABAT, I plotted a mid point turn to spice things up, chose things to make the character more proactive, etc. I highly recommend Ellen Brock on Youtube for any plotting advice. She’s an editor, and I’ve learned so much!

4) Organize plot into chapters, write key notes for chapters and fill out background info. The first two are self explanatory, but the third is my favorite! One thing that speeds my writing (I have no idea if people do this or not) but I have lists. So many lists! For ABAT, I have lists of common outfits for characters (I usually hate writing about outfits but I’m glad I wrote more for this work). I also write the character arc for each main character. For ABAT, I have the following for Brienne:

Brienne 

Symbols: white crocus flower (purity, youthfulness, sensitive to rain), White begonia, Small birch saplings struggling for light

Goal: serve public, be idealistic, honorable

Lie: (hidden for spoilers)

Truth: (hidden for spoilers)

Flaw: stubborn, idealistic, watched her father get fame and respect for his engineering, wants to do the same thing and do it perfectly, doesn’t understand systemic racism 

Motivation: serve people, be accepted by the public, belonging, abandonment

Stakes: public rejection, Tarth name on the line, mockery, insanity, failure

So when I think about a curve ball for Brienne at any point of the story, this character section helps me stay true to character. I have a section for Brienne, Jaime, Cersei and Missandei. Cersei has a larger section because she’s a villain... ;)

In addition to this section, I also write down their personalities and strengths. You know, like if they went to an interview lol. For example, I have Missandei have the following strengths: 

Missandei

Adaptability: able to adapt

Intellection: introspective and appreciate intellectual discussions

Consistency: all people should be treated the same

Futuristic: fascinated by future

Learner: loves to learn

I ALSO have an emotion worksheet and this is SO USEFUL. They say in writing: show that the character is angry, not tell the reader. WELL, IDK about you but I can’t keep track of all the little quirks characters do and yet, I want them to be consistent. If while writing a scene, I sometimes think, “Hmm what is Jaime doing if he’s in awe right now?” I search for “awe” at the top of my fic, and bam, I have options, more or less. For a lot of emotions, I brainstormed ideas based on character traits, arcs, Gothic tone etc. I fill all of this out before I write the first chapter. 

Here’s an example of some emotions I have for ABAT:

Emotion List (remember to have introspection, unique perspective) 

Awe:

B: wrinkle deepened between brows, parted lips, fixed gaze, stands still

J: arched brow, open mouth, stare, goes closer

C: lowering chin or raising chin, goes closer

M: adaptable, quick to react

Deceptive:

B: looking away, walking away

J: scratching ear

C: smiling, neatly placed hands

M: long blink

Thoughtfulness:

B: staring off, quiet, daydreaming

J: staring at object important to him, twisting pencil or object in his hand, squeezing his hand

C: squeezing hand, staring at object she wants to get rid of or improve

M: daydreaming, staring off at her own outfit—it’s foreign

5) Now the fun part: writing! I used to write with scene structure outline, but I think I’ve grown off the training wheels. But it really helped me in Deep Fried Drinks to plot out the chapter scenes ahead of time, and I used Ellen Brock’s proactive and reactive videos to help me out with that. I throw on some music to get me in the mood of the story and I write during my kid’s nap, about two hours every day. Sometimes I’ll write at night, but lately I’ve been too tired to do that. My tip for this part is to try and figure out what you want to improve. What are you good at, and what could you improve as a writer? My first fics had like zero figurative language. Awkward. This takes a level of awareness that’s hard to reach but watching or researching creative writing technique really helps me. For example, I used to NEED to write all five senses out for each chapter ahead of time. Now it comes naturally to me! I would say now my main issue is phrasing? Pacing? And I need to tone down the melodrama for my next work....... lol! I write, write, write--and usually, I write 60-90% of the fic before I start editing!

6) Editing. Fun fun fun. I don’t mind editing, I just don’t think I’m that GOOD at it. I try to read through my chapter twice and edit as I go. I look for things I want to take out or add, look for show vs tell, formatting, etc--do things make sense? Did I miss anything? In ABAT, I’ll write something in chap 20 that I need to start in chap 18, so I’ll go back and make a quick note to “add part about document somewhere in this chapter” so I don’t confuse readers. When I edit chap 18, I’ll add that line or paragraph in. It’s all an intricate web! I also have a list of vague words I try to eliminate or replace with stronger words (I have more words if you want them). I found that I have certain words or phrases that echo a lot, like “while”, “turned around”, “turned” or “did not”--now I search for these phrases/words and try to change them:

Get rid of vague words, fix by explaining more:

Some 

While

Thing

Stuff

Very

Really

Big/small

Good/bad

Simple verbs: had, was, went

Got/get

Few

Several

What

Do/Did

It

Like with all writing “rules”, they can be broken, but it helps to know why they are rules. I steered away from adverbs, and I think it improves my writing. Other writers have different prose and adverbs work so well--it all depends on your style! If I find these vague words in dialogue, for example, I almost never change them because dialogue is usually freaking vague lol!

7) Beta reader(s)! I honestly think this work is better than my other stuff because I have a newer beta reader, theunpaidcritic!!! *I bow* She’s literally an expert so it’s SO helpful for me in every way--I can’t fangirl about her enough. If you’re struggling to get a beta reader, I recommend joining a JB discord (transformative werk is my favorite discord, and there is a beta read request thread) or post a request on reddit!

8) Post! Once you’ve edited and gone over beta reader notes, it’s time to post! Congrats!!!!!!!!!!

For time reference, I started this process around mid-May for ABAT, and I will be done by early September. Maybe I’m just a fast writer? Compared to angel-deux, ha, I look slow. Everyone is different! Please let me know if you have any other questions, I am ALL about helping out! :) <3 <3 <3

[thenugking]

Grand Academy For Future Villains II: Attack of the Sequel, Chapter 0: Prologue. A commentary for Three.

Like Maedryn in this chapter, I am also back on my bullshit.

General CW for the whole thing: parental abuse, internalised dehumanisation as a trauma response. Three’s not doing well. They’re doing worse than usual in this specific chapter.

Game 1

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9

Alternatively, read on Google Docs here

***

That would explain the swarms of clones, you think dimly through the haze of the flashback, but not why they're me….

No. You hadn't been a mindless copy at all. You had been disappointingly independent, an individual in your own right, so instead of simply recycling you as perhaps she should have, Maedryn had raised you like her own child. Of course, you were still intended as a tool to carry out her grand designs; what kind of villain would she have been if she had simply loved and cherished you?

Professor Cerebrist had wanted your mother's replication technology for himself. When you, the living prototype of your mother's early research, showed up in his freshman Evil Genius 101 class, he saw his opportunity. In your first year at the Academy, you found yourself as the battleground in the war between your mother and her mentor. Even though it never came down to a fight between you, your loyalties were tested.

In the chaos of the battle between the rebel faculty, the attacking heroes, and the beleaguered Grand Academy administration, you'd called on your mother for help, and she'd come through. She'd defeated the Professor and taken his place.

Clearly your mother has finally perfected her replication technology and taken the place of her former mentor. But if she already has everything she wanted…why has she unleashed swarms of mindless yous upon the Academy?

It’s… not a great start to Three’s sophomore year. They weren’t looking forward to having their mother on campus in the first place, but they'd hoped she would wait at least a little while before getting back on her bullshit. (Not that that’s a phrase they’d ever use, having only heard it in the context of Scorpius informing them that ze’s very sadly back on zir bullshit, before throwing a box of scorpions at them and running off before Three could ask what ze was talking about. But Maedryn is, unfortunately, very much back on her bullshit here.)

They don’t know what she’s doing with the clones, but right now, that’s not as big of a concern as the fact that the clones are here at all. Looking like Three. And making person-like screams. And probably getting their outfits and hair messy. In public. Three is… somewhat disgruntled that after all the effort they’ve put in to turning themself into a tool, erasing any displays of personhood and imperfection, Maedryn would simply create some new tools that don’t bother with any of that at all. But which still let other people see Three as a messy, screaming person.

The very noticeable, very public appearance isn’t helpful for Three’s desire to remain unnoticed and not draw attention to themself, either. It’s an interesting paradox; they can blend into the janitorial staff perfectly, but they stick out as The Student Who Looks Like All The Clone Janitors. There’s a similar thing going on with their name, actually. They like having a name that suggests a lack of personhood, but it does have the unfortunate side effect of having people consider it  odd, unique and even memorable.

...That first explanatory paragraph up there is spot-on Three characterisation though. 

#"But what an impressive job you've done of it! I'm so proud you're my mother!"

She looks at you critically. "A bit grovelly, but appropriate; it was and you should be."

Three’s probably not quite this grovelly. Apart from disliking the exuberance of the exclamation marks, they’ve had nineteen years to learn to measure quite how much grovelling Maedryn likes. But a little grovelling in this situation is only appropriate, particularly when they’re not certain exactly what she might have read from their thoughts on the flashback gun.

"Some of you may remember," says the Head, in ponderous tones, "the attempted establishment of a second and rival school on our campus last year, calling itself the Polytechnic Institute for Antagonism and Moral Complexity. This institution is hereby forcibly dissolved, thanks to the clone armies contributed by our loyal faculty. There is but one school on this campus, and it will tolerate no challenge, share no power, and show no mercy!"

The judgment of the remnant of the ill-fated Polytechnic Institute for Antagonism and Moral Complexity is summary, arbitrary, and surprisingly creative. The fates of the rebel faculty, announced and executed by DarkBoard, range from "Probation, with Extra Probes" for Professor Ulik, to "Dismissal Before Expiration of Contract" for the senior Professor Dethclot, to "Disciplinary Suspension" for the ringleader, Professor Mortwain. This last didn't sound so bad, until you see that it involves being suspended in a vat of clear Jell-O and set on the plinth in the courtyard as a warning to traitors.

The rebel students are all expelled, which is to say they are one by one dropped through a trapdoor in the floor. Presumably it ends up somewhere in the dungeons, but the geography of the Grand Academy is dubious at the best of times, and you figure they're lucky if they end up somewhere with a breathable atmosphere and not floating in the void.

Three thought they’d long grown out of feeling sorry and disappointed for idealists who tried to act against their mother. Of course, they hadn’t known Maedryn had cared about the Polytechnic Institute for Antagonism and Moral Complexity, but on reflection, they don’t know why they ever expected the School Head to have any more mercy than Maedryn had. It’s unexpected and unpleasant, having these feelings come up again, and there’s a deeper despair they’re not sure they remember feeling before.

They could have been part of the Professor Mortwain’s Institute. They’d thought before this that they should have been. It was only cowardness that stopped them. But they’ve known all along that going against authority never ends well. This just shows they were right. This just proves any ideas they had about standing for their own beliefs in future were foolish and naive, and they knew better than Mortwain and Ulik and Phil and everyone else in the firing line now. So why do they still feel like they should be standing there with them?

"That," the School Head tells the surviving students and staff, "was a Refreshing Display of School Spirit."

It casts its gaze about the hall. Then those eyes land directly on you. "Are there any remaining students in this body," it says, "that we should know about, that participated in activities unbecoming the Grand Academy for Future Villains?"

You scan the hall, trying to find someone to betray. Not Rathna, you were known to be enemies. Not Miriel the Bloodshrike, you actually like her. Not Aurion either, the Head is known to favor him.

There. Leaning back in his chair, you spot the perfect mark. Phil, a casual friend from last year. Permanent upperclassman, villainous slacker, and known supporter of the rebel college, insofar as he could be bothered to support anything at all. 

The Head's baleful gaze has not left you. It's waiting.

Seriously, why am I being told I’m enemies with Rathna now? And that I like Miriel? Anyway, Three doesn’t particularly want to betray anyone. Certainly not Aurion, their Not Best Friend, or Rathna, who they get along well with, and turning on anyone from the Shadow Council could be dangerous. But with the Head looking right at them, betraying someone else might be the only way to keep themself safe. A few months ago, they wouldn’t have hesitated before giving Phil up; they’d thought he was too lazy and useless to deserve a place here anyway. Then he’d beaten them, and shown a commitment to his cause Three wished they could have, and inspired them to do better. Which obviously, in the end, was a bad decision on Phil’s part and got neither of them anywhere.

#Say nothing and hope no one notices.

You can't bear to betray him. However, your mother—despite the effort of controlling all the replicas in the room—notices your hesitation, and intervenes. Phil isn't any help. He doesn't put up a fight, doesn't even really seem to notice what's happening until he's hauled off to the trapdoor by two of your blank-faced replicas.

You think you hear him call your name. "What are you—" You shift guiltily in your seat, but he's addressing the clones.

Did he even notice that they weren't you? Did he even care that there were suddenly swarms of you when last year there'd been only one? Hurtful. He deserves whatever he's going to get. Or so you tell yourself as the trapdoor closes with a final clang.

Three doesn’t really feel hurt (at least not by Phil). After all, why shouldn’t he think the clones are controlled by them? Or that Three’s at least part of the dissolution of the Polytechnic Institute for Antagonism and Moral Complexity? They were working with the School Head to stop it last year, and they’re sitting with Maedryn now. And they never thanked him for what he did. And they never apologised.

Three doesn’t have many thoughts on the rest of the announcements, mostly because they’re dissociating during them. Which is fine. That stops them having feelings, and tools don’t have feelings. None of the Probably Much More Useful Than Three Is clones have feelings. Does Maedryn even need them for anything now she has the clones?

It’s not going to be a good year for Three.

[veridium]

stolen

Well, friends, what kicks off a weekend better than a College AU update? Titled after one of my favorite songs of all time, and definitely one of the best kinds of love songs to describe Cass and Liv, the dashboard confessional classic. :)

Fall Carnival fun pt. 2 commences now!

last chapter // fic masterpost

--

There’s walking on glass and eggshells, and then there’s the week Olivia has leading up to the fall carnival. Ellinor deserves a medal of service for dealing with her each and every day, hour by hour, every time something unsettles her anxiety. She had told her everything was fine when they were shoving sushi into their mouths and laughing about fish puns. If only she could hold onto the same kind of half-optimistic, half-resigned sensation she felt then. 

It’s not that Cassandra is mean, or even insensitive. Despite Olivia’s incessant ranting and brooding, she can’t really say it’s because of cruelty. 

The day after her and Ellinor’s sushi date, she texts to check in. Cassandra replies, answering her questions, and nothing more. Olivia once again restricts herself from prodding, and comes back to her dorm to complain to Ellinor. That night she receives texts from friends insisting that they meet up at the Carnival at some point to take a fall aesthetic selfie. The dread grows. 

Then it’s Thursday. To her surprise, Cassandra texts her first.

Cassandra: Hey, will you be around at 12? I have office hours, I thought we could have lunch. 

The cup runneth over -- too bad her request collides with a final project meeting, and by God, Liv  will not give her team more of an opportunity to disappoint. She was the one who scheduled it, set up the shared Google Doc, and delegated responsibilities. If she ducked out, the whole thing would come apart. So, as much as it makes her want to cut four of her fingers off, she tells Cassandra no. Of course, Cassandra isn’t one to give grief. 

Cassandra: No problem, just thought I would offer. Have a good meeting!

Later that night, Olivia takes some initiative. The Carnival is the next day and if Cassandra isn’t feeling it, she would rather go alone or not go at all than try to force it. Cute pictures would never be worth it, and Olivia has grown up experiencing enough cringey, orchestrated “outings” to last a lifetime. She paces the floor of her dorm after sending the text, expecting one of dozens of possible reasons. After all, who wants to endure a Carnival with an ankle boot on?

Apparently, Cassandra does. 

Cassandra: Yeah! Cullen and the team have been looking forward to it for weeks. I don’t see why not. 

Olivia stares perplexed at her screen. Okay. Okay? Okay. That’s it, then. They’ll go, and it’ll be great. Except it won’t be, because in that split second, she’s already charted in her head all of the awkward and potentially conflictive situations that could happen. What if Cassandra gets there and her mood changes? What if she wants to get on a ride, but can’t because of her injury? What if she loses at a Carnival game and it sets her off? What if someone makes fun of her? What if she trips and falls?

As if by divine providence, she gets a phone call during her spiral. And it’s none other than Theia, finally getting back to her after over a week of radio silence. Olivia doesn’t waste time asking what happened between her and Josie, but Theia doesn’t have much to offer:

“It’s a break. That’s all I can really say,” she says, voice going low while she’s on speaker phone. “It’s a long story. I’d rather not get into it tonight.” There’s a loopy sound, like the swig of a bottle.

Olivia, scrunching her face while she sits on her bed, figures she should change the subject. She tells Theia she needs to vent to someone else besides Ellinor about what is going on with her, and Theia is the only other person who’d understand. The only other person who would be able to provide any insight as to what is upsetting her so viscerally. 

When she gets to the bottom of it, Theia doesn’t speak immediately. The quiet pondering scares her, like the ominous stillwater before a gator attack on those Discovery channel shows. 

“Liv,” Theia finally says, reluctant like she’s a Doctor about to break some terminal news, “you’re gonna hate me for saying this.”

“What? No!” she disagrees. “Not at all, please, help me out here. I’ve been stewing all week.”

“Well…” she chuckles nervously, “you sound just like you did when I first met you.”

Theia doesn’t have to elaborate. The phrase is code for  “a couple years ago,” which comes with its own subtext, one everyone who’s gone through what she has can understand. The phrase has grown from “a few months,” to “last summer,” to “last year,” and now she’s here. Time sucks ass. At least in Theia’s use of it, it doesn’t come with the same feigned accepting grief that Olivia’s Mom has when they’re at “gatherings” with “loved ones” who Olivia hasn’t ever seen before. 

Her cheeks go hot and she tosses the phone onto the comforter and looks away, as if she’s eluding the discerning gaze of a close friend. Theia knows better.

“I know you hate me,” she says, vindicated. “But, you know. The fretting, and the worrying about things that haven’t even happened to her. You’re trying to figure out her needs before she even says them. That’s how you sounded every time I’d be on the phone with you during break. You’d just...completely turn everything on for him, then your Mom.”

Olivia criss-crosses her legs, and picks at the tufted fabric of her old pajama bottoms. “Yeah.”

“Hey, you good?” Theia is quick to check, her tone more concerned. “I’m sorry. I should have warned you.”

“Warned me for what?” Olivia smirks and rubs her neck. “Trigger warning: your own damn life?”

“I mean...yeah. That’s kind of how it works.”

“Not always,” she replies, and picks up the phone. “It’s fine, Theia. I appreciate your honesty.”

Theia lets out a discomfited sound. “Maybe you should...I don’t know. Maybe it’d be best to tell her. Unless you think you can figure this out on your own. It’s up to you.”

“Yeah, it is,” Olivia nods, trying to convince herself simultaneously. All this time she’s been so worried about getting to the bottom of Cassandra’s issues, she’s scarcely thought about the consequences of her own. As if only one of them had baggage to bring around. No shit, Olivia owns her own baggage terminal. Silly for her to believe it would just go away if she just cared enough about someone else’s problems. No matter how many times she tried that trick, it never worked. 

Her and Theia manage to wrap up their talk on kinder, easier terms. Both of them acknowledge they aren’t in a place to be fully open. Agreeing to be patient with each other, they hang up, and Olivia collapses back on her bed to overthink things while staring off into the ceiling. 

This can be a really happy time, if you just let it. She thinks it, over and over, like a song lyric. Just let it. 

--

The next day, Ellinor’s glee and the prospects of fun lighten her up. She puts on one of her favorite dresses, a tea-length button-up dress with short sleeves and a ribbon around the waist. It has a print, blue and white small flowers, and flows at every little move she makes. When Ellinor sees it, she damn-near tips over. 

“You’re wearing that?” she asks, slipping her coat on. “It’s been a while, huh?”

Olivia smirks, and the back of her throat stings with nerves. She locks the door to her dorm and then drops them into her black denim jacket. Just a little touch of the normal aesthetic. 

“It’s the carnival!” she replies, “gotta dress to the occasion.”

“Hah, well, Cass will probably...hey,” Ellinor tries to say something funny, but seeing the immediate change on Liv’s face, she stops herself. “Everything okay?”

Olivia blinks. “Yeah! Yeah. Just distracted by something. Um,” she checks her phone. No messages. “Let’s hurry, parking will be a nightmare.”

--

Whatever Ellinor meant to say about Cassandra’s reaction, she was likely spot on: the minute they see each other in their kitchen, it’s like the world freezes. The first time she’s seen her all week, and Cassandra looks just as beautiful as she looks in Olivia’s memory. Black leggings and a knit, sangria-colored sweater with a dress shirt underneath, all neat and fresh looking. They stand facing each other silently while Cullen and Ellinor are off somewhere making various happy noises, giggling and joking. 

Olivia feels the strap of her string purse slipping and adjusts, her grip on it atop her shoulder turning deadly. The way Cassandra is acting confirms it: she knows its strange, too, that it’s been this long. But, as she always does, Olivia finds the words. 

“Y-ou ready?” she asks, offering a smile. 

Cassandra returns it. “Yeah! I just have to go and get my jacket.”

“Oh, you want me to--”

“No, no, don’t worry,” she says kindly, “I’ve got it.” She’s walking easier than she did the first day. Still an uneven sway, but she’s about as fast as she would be without it. She goes and comes back from her room, a fresh new team jacket over her arm. Shit, they must have got their team jackets?

She’s met in the living room with Cullen and Ellinor, who are also ready to take off. And so, with grins and happy laughs from all, they head out. 

--

The entire drive Olivia is trying to walk herself back off the mental ledge. Now that she’s aware of what she’s doing, or at least more aware, it’s almost worse. How can she tell her new girlfriend that she’s lapsing into something that’s taken her 3 years of on-and-off counselors for her to know is even real? When she’s not thinking about that, she’s thinking about how she should have been more honest with her, especially when Cass was raw about her own issues. Then she feels unreasonable for her expectations, and then…

In the middle of it, her gaze wanders to the center console, and then to the left, where Cassandra is seated. She’s sitting there, and then she feels Olivia’s gaze and looks over, and she smiles. She’s smiling, and she’s looking so happy in the sunlight shades changing so fast as the car goes fast downtown. 

Hands gathered against her waist like a kid on a school field trip, she grins back. 

Next thing she knows they’ve arrived, and Ellinor and Cullen are romping in the parking lot like spring yearlings, egging each other on for donuts or something. They’re so happy it almost rots her teeth. Ellinor tries to stick with the group, and before Olivia can ask her to stay, Cassandra surprises her and waves them off. That’s all the lovebirds need to fly off. 

Olivia takes a stiff breath and slips her aviators on. Who would have thought being alone with Cassandra after the week she’s had would be the exact opposite of what she wanted?

“Well, we better catch up, right?” Cassandra smiles again -- she’s smiling so much -- and slides her hands in her jacket pockets. 

Olivia looks over, nods, and goes forward. “Yeah! Yeah.”

“Everything okay?” Cassandra asks as she starts walking. “You seem anxious.”

“I...I am, a bit.”

They’re near the entrance when Cassandra stops. Olivia jerks and turns around, immediately admonishing herself. “Am I going too fast? I’m sorry, shi--”

“No,” Cassandra shakes her head. She’s reaching into her pocket. “My wallet is just stuck in the pocket. Give me a sec.”

Oh. That’s...that’s okay. Ok. Everything’s good. 

“You don’t have to worry about getting your wallet out,” Olivia says, grabbing her purse. “I got us!”

Cassandra furrows her brow and meets her gaze. “What? You sure? It’s not a big deal, I…”

“Nah, it’s fine.” Olivia puts in the effort for a sweet smile. She already has her wallet out and ready by the time Cassandra gives up grabbing hers. 

“Oh, okay then.”

They get in through the ticket stand without trouble. Once they’re in, it’s a marathon for the senses: spices and sugary treats freshly made and slathered lace the air, groups of people in bright autumnal hues exchanging cotton candy and stuffed animals. Music plays low and abundantly on speakers staked throughout, echoing the party of the open dance floor and festival stage somewhere through the fray. Machines and games ring out their sirens, with all the bells and whistles. Far beyond the front is the ferris wheel towering over the rest of the park yard and its sea of striped spotted tent roofs. It’s paradise for a bunch of young hearts with sweet teeth and salty energy levels from a semester nearly concluded. 

Olivia and Cassandra walk at a glacial pace. Cassandra looks just as endeared, scanning slowly from side-to-side, a carefree expression on her face. She looks so much more content than the last time Olivia saw her in a celebratory crowd. She’s cooler than cool. They walk beside each other so closely their shoulders bump, and ever so often one glances over and the other smiles in reassurance.

Then, because of course, they are hollered at by familiar faces. 

“Cass! Liv!” 

Lysette is walking over -- no, sauntering -- complete with what looks to be a giant inflatable hammer under her arm, and an ember-colored soda bottle in the other. She looks like a fabulous lumberjack, flannel, belt, boots and all. And a smug face of victory. 

“High Striker champion strikes again?” Cassandra asks with a clever laugh. 

Behind Lysette, a man looking like Rylen...or, sounding like Rylen, the way he’s cussing, is taking his turn at the game. Surrounded by several other bros, all chuckling and gesturing towards him as if to give pointers. Pointers he’s definitely not taking. 

“Agh, what can I say,” Lysette shrugs, looking over her shoulder. “He’ll be the last to call himself a loser.”

“That’s for sure.” Cassandra tilts her head, brow raised. “He’s lucky I’ve retired.”

Olivia gapes a little at the tall machine. “You played that?” 

Lysette laughs and hits Cassandra playfully on the shoulder with her balloon trophy, which Cass brushes off while smirking. “Cass taught me the magic,” she corrects proudly and takes a swig, “it’s from her that I inherited this heavy crown.”

Olivia’s brows lift into outer space as she looks over at her girlfriend, thinking of course she would, and Cassandra looks modestly self-satisfied. 

“Eh, well--” Lysette is interrupted by Rylen’s roar. They all turn around and see him, huffing and puffing like the wolf from the three little pigs story, strike hammer in hand. 

“Lys, you get your ass ov--h-hey! Liv! Cass!”

Olivia waves a little sheepishly. Cass nods. Lysette takes another glug of her beer. Poor Rylen couldn’t be gesturing toward a more unimpressed crowd of women. But, never one to be discouraged, he struts over swinging the thing like a baseball bat. 

“Either of you wanna take me on for the Striker?” he asks it generally, but his eyes stay on Olivia. The petite dancer, of course. Easy target. 

“Almost didn’t recognize you in the dress, Liv. C’mon,” he says, holding it out to her. “Take a swing!”

Olivia lets out a cautious laugh, and gently pushes the hammer away. Before she can give an excuse, Cassandra inches closer to her, until their sides are up against each other. It sends an excited chill down her spine. 

“Don’t get her caught up in your losing streak, Rylen,” Cassandra defends her. 

“Yeah,” Lysette snickers, “no need to pull innocent lives down with you, dude.”

Rylen looks sincerely confused at this disrespect, spreading his arms out wide to puff out his chest. “Ya’ll just don’t want to mess with the hometown glory!”

“That’s one way of putting it,” Olivia giggles, taking the opportunity to slide an arm around Cassandra’s waist. Cassandra is steady and warm. Irresistable. 

“We’re going to walk around some more before getting looped into games,” Cassandra says to Lysette, who happily nods and side-steps toward Rylen. 

“Come on,” she says, nudging him, “I’m not done with my streak.”

Liberated, Cassandra and Olivia turn to the left and walk on, her arm staying around her and Cassandra sending hers over Olivia’s shoulder. It’s one of the first acts of public affection they’ve done in a place like this. Well, that is, as a definite couple. The milestone is not lost on Liv, who for the first time since waking up in the morning has started to let the anxious “what if’s” slide. Cassandra isn’t dodging her, nor is she ignoring her. She’s here, she’s cheerful, and they’re here, together. The way Olivia’s head fits against the crook of Cassandra’s neck is perfect. 

“He was right about one thing,” Cassandra says as they walk down an aisle of stands. “You in a bright blue dress feels like a rarity.”

Olivia smirks and folds some wisps of hair behind her ear. “I live to shock and amaze.”

“That you do. You hungry?”

“Actually, kinda. I was hoping we could go to--”

“--the funnel cake stand?”

Olivia freezes and pulls away just a bit, just to be able to look up at her with eyes wide and mouth open. Cassandra looks back at her, a bit surprised. 

“Yes…” Olivia says slowly, “but the only flavor that is valid is…” 

Cassandra, catching the hint, chuckles softly. “Strawberry.”

“Agh!” Olivia lays her head back and smiles, leaning into her some more like before. “See, babe, it’s the little things that get me.”

Cassandra’s chuckling continues to bubble as she wraps her arms around her. As she pulls her in, she mumbles a soft caution: “careful, easy on me.”

Olivia is eyes closed and latched onto her like a koala when she hears it, and immediately backs off like they’re suddenly magnet ends.  

“Oh my gosh, I’m sorry! Ugh, I forg--”

Cassandra tilts a bit in reaction to the sudden shift of weight, and takes hold of Olivia’s flailing hands before they make her airborne. “Hey! Easy!”

Hands secured and attention obtained, Olivia once again freezes in a state of stress. 

“Liv, I’m okay,” Cassandra comforts with confidence. “I’m not a piece of fine china.”

Olivia can feel the embarrassed blush as she relaxes her arms. They stay linked, Cassandra rubbing the back of her hands with her thumbs. 

“I...I know that, I so know that,” Olivia repeats, “I’m sorry. I’m s--”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Cassandra adds, further dispelling the worry. 

“No, yeah. Yeah,” Olivia shakes her head fast, almost dizzying herself if not for Cassandra’s close presence. “Um, listen. Uh, hm…”

Cassandra blinks. “You okay?”

She looks so open, so understanding. Liv could tell her, she could just say it. Or, she could have a bit more mercy for her and not unload all of this on what is supposed to be a good, lighthearted night out. But would it help the stone in her gut, or the noiseless but deafening sensation in her head, between her ears? Will it make the dull but deep sense of dread subside?

“Cass, I…” her voice shakes a bit. Now she’s starting to become overwhelmed by all of the sensory overload and busy energy around them. Her cheeks go from hot to cold. 

“Olivia,” Cass says softly, coming closer. There’s a new look in her eyes, one that is least lost and confused. “We should go over to the picnic tables, okay? Just hold onto my hand and follow me.”

Olivia follows the instructions to the letter. After all, it isn’t exactly an unthinkable task holding onto her and letting her take the lead. Cassandra leads them over to where a few picnic tables form a semi-circle facing the venue, all but one taken up by people. It’s as if the last empty one was reserved especially for her unpredictable episode should she need it. 

But this isn’t an episode, right? God, she hopes not. 

“Have a seat,” Cassandra requests. Olivia, ever the dissenting queer, sits on the edge of the picnic table rather than the bench seats on either side. Her hands clamp on the wood while Cassandra stands in front of her, taking off her prized new jacket. 

“W-what are you doing?” 

“The thing that happens in every teenage romance film pre-dating 2005,” Cassandra replies. She then loops the jacket up and around Olivia’s shoulders. It’s a size or two bigger than she would wear, which makes it perfect. Olivia’s spine goes straighter than she’s ever been in her life, and she clutches the ends of it against herself like a blanket. 

Cassandra rubs up and down Olivia’s arms, slow but vigorous. The athlete is showing. “There.”

Olivia, feeling so sheepish she could be cast as an extra for a Charlotte’s Web remake, stares and rolls her lips shut. She feels better, but if she doesn’t let herself breathe, it’ll all surely get worse. 

“Are you in a place to tell me what’s going on, or should I just distract you?” 

Olivia’s fast becoming enthralled in just how prepared Cassandra is. If only she could say marveling at her was distracting enough without sounding corny. Yet, she’s asked the million-dollar question: can she say it, or should she? Without thinking, her gaze flashes to either side of Cassandra’s shoulders toward the crowds. Cassandra notices and immediately hooks a finger under Olivia’s chin.

“Olivia, don’t worry about them,” she says and guides her attention back to her. Butterflies. 

Olivia parts her lips and lets herself sigh. “I can’t.” She takes hold of her hand and guides it to rest in both of hers in her lap. “I wish I could, but I can’t. I don’t want to. Not here. We’re supposed to be having a good time.”

“What we are supposed to be doing doesn’t matter.”

“I know, but, I’m okay. I just need a second. I promise.” She says it honestly. She can enjoy this, if she just gives herself permission to without scolding at every turn for mistakes she had no intention of making. “Just a minute to cool down.”

“Okay.” Cassandra turns and slides onto the table right next to her, for which Olivia gladly scoots over. She lets go of her just so she can hold onto the jacket again. The sun is heading toward the mountains in the distance, but the evening is still far out. 

After a moment’s silence -- well, silent as one can get amid a fall carnival -- Olivia takes her first solid breath. The feeling in her throat is cooling down, and the tension in her chest is releasing. Her wandering eyes go across from the horizon to the next tallest thing: the ferris wheel, where it looks like a couple very similar to Ellinor and Cullen are in one of the carts. If only she could see past the obstruction of a giant stuffed animal. 

Knowing them, that probably confirms that it is, in fact, them. It makes her snort. 

Cassandra picks up on the reappearance of good humor. “Feeling better?”

In return Olivia looks over and gives her perhaps the first real and relaxed smile of the entire day. “Yes, a lot. Thank you.”

Many yards away, near a ring toss stand, two people begin to wave. Olivia zeroes in and sees that one has a beautifully-crafted side-braid of black hair and a fabulous ruffled coat. The other is a less-familiar face, but not a stranger’s.

“Oh, Josie!” Olivia says, and waves back. Josie is holding a smaller stuffed animal, bright pink, looking like a teddy bear. The other person says some words to her, looking like a question. 

She looks happy. That’s good. 

“Where’s Theia?” Cassandra asks, sticking a pin in the moment without even knowing. 

Taking another breath, Olivia leans her shoulder into hers and groans. 

“Am I missing something?” 

Olivia sighs. “You and me both. I’ll explain later.” Her phone dings from her bag. She looks up and sees Josie and her company gone, only to look down at her phone and have an answer: 

Josie: I hope we can link up before either of us leaves and take a pic! You both look adorable!

She hums in speculation, and replies: 

Olivia: Yes please!! 

With one click and toss, her phone is back in her back, and her sense is back in her head. Ariana Grande’s song “Tattooed Heart” has started to play on the Carnival DJ speakers. 

“I love this song,” she smiles, and sways a little to the beat. “How are you feeling?”

Cassandra rolls her shoulders as she leans back a little. “Great, I have no complaints.”

“Really?”

She takes one look at Olivia’s hopeful look and bites the side of her lip. “I mean, I still have my expectations. Firstly, the funnel cake. Secondly, I do want to see you take a swing at the High Striker. Third, I--”

“Oh, what!” Olivia scoffs playfully, “That hammer looks taller than me and about as heavy!”

Cassandra smirks. “With me coaching you, Love, you can’t lose.”

Butterflies, part two. “I...suppose you have a point. But if it’s gonna happen, I’ll need that funnel cake to help hold me down.”

“Deal.”

Love. I like that nickname. Hell, I’d change my name to it, why not?

She hops down with her spirit anew, and helps Cassandra back onto her feet. Just a little help, as a treat, since Cass is right: she isn’t fragile, and Olivia doesn’t have to worry. Watching the people she depends on for strength deal with physical limitations doesn’t always have to be a crisis. It might have been in the past, but the here and now is what matters. And she is allowed to believe that. 

They hold hands that gently swing as walk back into the crowds. It goes from feeling like a minefield to that scene in Rapunzel where she and Eugene are frolicking among the city folk. Friendly faces turn and offer smiles and “hello’s,” and they wave back. It’s easy. It’s effortless and thrilling at the same time. The popping and bell sounds are no longer menacing. The heat of the day is no longer suffocating. 

And, at last, they find their way to the main event: that beautiful funnel cake truck, with its beautiful plates bigger than her faze of fried dough, strawberries, and whip cream. After dousing it in powdered sugar because, of course you douse it in powdered sugar, she approaches Cassandra with a bit of purposeful mischief.

Smart to the look, Cassandra raises a brow, holding her fork in ready. “You pull anything, Sinclair, and it’s war.”

“Whaaat?” Olivia asks coyly, pinning her own fork between her teeth and smiling. She’s holding the plate in both hands like a holiday pie. 

“You know what. Don’t even think about it.”

“I just thought maybe you could do a little taste test a--AAH!” she can’t even get the tagline out before Cassandra strikes the first blow, scooping a dollop of cream onto her fingers and smearing it across Olivia’s nose and cheek. She squeaks in a pitch nearly at Ellinor-level, and stands there, shocked and holding the pie while her fork falls from her mouth onto the plate. Eyes wide, mouth agape, and face whipped. 

She can’t believe it. Cassandra, standing there, smug and unable to run. But it’s not like she would, anyway. The woman stands and is judged for her crimes just as she is for her wins. 

“I…” Olivia huffs, “Did you just seriously…?”

Cassandra, folding her arms with one hand going to her mouth as she only half-conceals her kind of playful grin, only plays dumb: “What? I have no idea what you are referring to!”

“Is this revenge for the ice cream?”

“I would prefer to call it a preventative measure.”

“Preventative...for what? I was only going to feed you the first bite!”

Cassandra’s eyes narrow. “Sure, Olivia, sure.”

“I was! Dammit, I was being a nice girlfriend! I swear!”

“I suppose we will never know, now,” Cassandra laughs and takes the napkins Olivia has in her hand, the ones she’s forgotten about during this heinous act of assassination. Carefully she unfolds it and hooks her finger under Olivia’s chin like before, only now she tilts it to the side so as to get the prime angle. 

“Hold still,” she’s still laughing a little as she wipes off most of the whip cream. Olivia’s eyes are adrift to the floor but she can’t resist glancing. Glancing turns to staring. A brief moment in time where everything is messy, but everything is wonderful. Cassandra looks so thoughtful, so kind. 

Such a pity, since she’s in for it. 

Striking just as quick, Olivia leans her cheek in and rubs it across Cassandra’s mouth and tip of her nose. Most of the mess is already off her face, but they can still share in the stickiness. 

“Ha!” She beams, bouncing back. “Rules of engagement are rules of engagement, Pentaghast!” She grabs her fork and points it at her like a defensive weapon. 

Cassandra chuckles and folds the napkin she had in half, looking down at the floor modestly like she knew it was coming. She isn’t mad, though. Far from it. And she definitely isn’t mad when Olivia offers to take the napkin from her and pay her due, cleaning off her face. 

“You know, sometimes,” Cassandra says more quietly, as Olivia finishes with one last brush along her chin for good measure, “I...I can be very bad at allowing someone else to take care of me.” The silliness has slipped from her tone. 

Olivia goes still, her hand full of scrunched, stained napkin still caressing Cassandra’s jaw. Their eyes meet, and in the hazel hue she can see it. She can see the recognition, the apology for the amount of little things that have become a pile of a bigger thing. She knows. She knew in the kitchen earlier that day, and she knows now. And for some reason Olivia, who has always been team “an apology means saying the words,” this feels like it means something deep. Something trusting and vulnerable. 

Something definitely forgivable. 

And so, tossing the napkin to the trash a couple feet from where they stand, Olivia grins wide and cuts into the plate of precious funnel cake until she skewers a perfect bite-sized piece of cake, cream, and berries. Then, holding it up for just a few seconds, she then stuffs it into her own mouth. She then holds the plate out to Cassandra, who grasps the plate edge with one hand. 

“Don’t worry,” Olivia says with a mouth half-full, “I suck sometimes at letting others care for themselves. Maybe we both need to learn when to just stuff our faces and let things happen.”

Cassandra, looking relieved and with fondness, begins to dig in with her own fork. “You might be onto something, there.”

Though she can never not overthink things, Olivia is happy to think ahead with this one: their edges and sharp points aren’t what they used to be. The intuition she had to just ride the wave and let things play out proved vindicated. It’s uncertainty that isn’t tragic. It’s hopeful. Is this what it feels like, then, to be falling in love?

Bring it on, Hammer Strike. 

[lukeskywalkrearchive]

1, 4, 14, 16, 19, 24 !!

YAY THANK YOU for sending these!!

1. Tell us about your current project(s) - what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

the project i SHOULD be working on is my novel (though i haven’t been doing a whole lot of writing in it lately; most of my writing has been in other random fun things no one will see), which is a futuristic(ish) sci-fi romp about a cyborg who doesn’t know she’s a cyborg (kestrel), a human who gets drawn into helping her (rowan), and a powerful person (ARE they a person??) who manages to start a robot apocalypse. 

there’s way more to it than that, of course - for instance, my cyborg was created as a military weapon to fight militarized robots, but she doesn’t know that at the point the story starts - but i recently did an overhaul of my first draft because it really didn’t feel like the right direction to take even the beginning of the story.

i love the characters the most, which is a pretty common theme for me. characters are always what drive my story. i especially love rowan and kestrel’s relationship. they develop this very specific bond, the kind of found-family, tight-knit closeness and trust that only comes from surviving something terrible together and only being able to rely on each other. they are soulmates in a very particular kind of way, and it takes them a while to realize that. i’m really excited to write it all out

(the rest of the answers under the cut, bc lawd knows i’m gonna type too much)

4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

i have 2 sentences:

Cassiel is his only stopping point, the only arrest to his momentum, draped in pearl and watching him with a gaze the only shade of blue he ever seems to drown in. 

He keeps watching them even as he’s kicked into the hole, no longer an angel, not really anything else, and thinks about wax wings and burning as he free-falls out of the only place he’s ever known, unable to muster up any feelings aside from Good riddance.

the lines came from a series of oneshots about one of my characters that i wrote as a challenge to myself. each one is focused on a color (this one is white) because i usually write in a very grounded way, not particularly poetic or flower but rather more about actions, and these were meant to be written in that flowery way. i like these lines in particular because i feel like they encapsulate a really nice, specific combination of description and emotion and i’m proud of how they come across.

14. At what point in writing do you come up with a title?

it really depends on the story. sometimes i will write the whole thing without coming up with something. i have a lot of placeholder titles using song lyrics or parts of a poem (a habit i formed from reading fanfiction titles, lol) that i then make a title from, and sometimes i just throw words at it and see what sticks. i have a story called “reasons why handcuffs are not ricky’s kink” because it starts off with ricky getting handcuffed to someone at a party, but it’s not really kinky at all, and it’s about their relationship rather than any smut or whatever, but i needed a title for my google doc. then there are other stories i figure out a title for really early on and i manage to stick to it. tl;dr it really depends on the story and how many ideas i have at the beginning, and if/how much the story changes along the way

16. Tried anything new with your writing lately? (style, POV, genre, fandom?)

honestly not really. the only really new thing i guess i could say i have is a kirkspock fic i barely started a handful of months ago? i always got really intimidated by writing spock bc i’ve read a LOT of ks fics and people are so incredibly talented and specific and i didn’t want to do it wrong. i haven’t made very much progress (i have 1 page so far) but i’d like to try! i have mostly only written stevebucky so i hope to finish it eventually.

19. Is there something you always find yourself repeating in your writing? (favourite verb, something you describe ‘too often’, trope you can’t get enough of?)

oh my god. always. i feel like when i write i forget 80% of my vocabulary. if i can read all the words and understand them, why do they never come to mind when i’m writing?? i’m definitely a culprit of the like, “the ghost/echo of a smile” on someone’s face a lot, probably also “a flush creeps up his neck,” and plenty more. i think there are descriptions i wind up recycling in most things i write. i usually know when i’m using whatever it is that i use it a lot but hopefully even though i repeat myself they’re far enough away to not be noticeable!

24. Would you say your writing has changed over time?

1000%. i have definitely learned a lot from reading such a wide variety of people’s writing styles and finding choices i wanted to emulate or things i wanted to do better in my own writing. i am constantly learning and trying to improve, and though it’s hard to explain exactly how, i can definitely tell my writing is getting better. i improved my dialogue tenfold when i took a playwriting class, too, and really learned about how dialogue should feel natural. it helped me in how it felt to write dialogue alongside making the dialogue sound better.

ask me about writing!

[forestwater87]

Ok this is super embarrassing but you’re one of my favorite writers in this uh.. whatever this blogosphere is so!! I wanna try and take a crack at writing my own fanfic but.. I got no idea where to even start. Any advice?

Oh man, I feel awful about this! I didn’t know my inbox had any new messages, so some of these asks have been sitting here for . . . some time. 

Anyway, first off thank you very much! Secondly, the most obvious advice is just, you know, “do it.” But that’s infinitely easier said than done. I started writing fanfic when I was around 10 years old, so overthinking it wasn’t an issue, since I thought I was the world’s greatest writer. Assuming you’re not 10 years old and as blind to the concept of literary criticism as I was . . . well, the first step is obviously getting an idea. EDIT: Holy shit, this is long. I’m gonna have to break this bad boy up with headers, like it’s a real blog post or something.

Getting Ideas/Inspiration

I don’t know if you already have something you’d like to write about or if you’re still at the “gee that looks like fun” level of fanfic ruminating, but if you’re having trouble coming up with ideas, turning to the existing fandom is a great place to start! 

1: Filling in fandom gaps: I’ve found a lot of my best fic ideas by looking through what already existed and seeing where there was something missing; when I first started writing for Camp Camp, literally only @raenbowsofficial created anything for Gwenvid -- it didn’t even have a ship name yet, and I’m pretty sure the 3 people into it were still throwing “daven” and “gavid” around as well -- so there being zero other fics for it meant that if I wanted it to exist, I’d have to be the one to write it. (That’s also nice if you’re kind of insecure, because when no one else has tried the idea you’re interested in, you have no pressure to compare it to anything else.) 

Also, you could take a popular/already existing concept and write it the way you’d like to see it, if the existing fanfics do something with the story or characters that you’re not thrilled with. That’s handy because it gives you a general blueprint to work off of in terms of tropes and broad story beats, while letting you explore something new. Obviously, don’t rip off someone else’s fic note-for-note, but being inspired by someone else is a great way to kickstart your creativity! If you do have a specific author or story that you’re using as a jumping-off point for your own writing, I would strongly recommend linking them in your author’s notes at the beginning or end of the fic, and maybe gifting the story to them! You don’t have to, since the creation is entirely your own, but it’s still always nice to acknowledge the people who inspire you the most.

2: Fandom inception. If you want to be a little more direct and literal, there’s always the option of writing fanfic of a fanfic or fanart that you really love, if there’s a universe or story idea that you like, and you want more of it. As long as you give credit and notify the original creator, I think you’d have no issues in terms of fanfic etiquette, and I imagine they’d be honored to have inspired your own writing. Fandom is a very collaborative experience, after all, and we’re all in this together! :)

3. For more general “I have a vague idea of what I want to do (the ship, or maybe a tiny plot bunny) but I’m not sure where to go with it,” my biggest recommendation is music. Especially folk indie-rock music, which is 90% angst and 100% haunting. And again, looking at fanfic/art is a great way to get inspired -- I have a tendency to put up a particularly good or emblematic piece of fanart/fic in another window when I’m working on something tricky to write, just for something to stare at when my ideas start running dry (shoutout to @doritofalls, @ellohcee, and the aforementioned RA for being my go-tos when I need to stare at something pretty to feel inspired; there are absolutely others, because this fandom is filled with absurdly talented people, but those 3 are my heroes of inspiration and if you SOMEHOW don’t already know them, fix that immediately). 

Wow, that’s a lot and it’s literally just all about getting an idea . . . which you might already have. Yikes. For the sake of people who have to scroll past this, let’s put the rest under a cut:

Fleshing Out the Idea: An Ode to Outlines

Some people are able to just sit down and write something incredible from a vague idea, and the story just builds on itself without any sort of planning or organization to guide them along the way. These people are named Cipher/Campernetics, and we hate her for being unfairly talented.

For the rest of us, outlines are essential.

My outlines tend to be insanely specific, because I’m very afraid of letting a single idea slip through the cracks, and I build on them over time as I get increasingly sure of where the story’s going. The early outlines tend to be extremely vague, with lots of “and then something happens” connecting major plot points. An example for a current WIP I’m doing right now:

(Seriously, “Julia and everything”? Future Forest is going to be so pissed at current Forest when she reaches that point and realizes she has no idea what she’s doing)

And as the story starts to take shape and a plot eventually forms -- they tend to take at least 10 chapters to materialize, but they do generally show up! One of the great things about fanfiction is that plot is largely optional, though, so no worries if you’re starting without a full story idea -- I find myself writing more and more details down, if for no other reason than that I want to make sure I remember what I was thinking when I finally get to that scene (because I have absolutely gotten to a point in a story and forgotten what I’d had planned. It sucks). Here’s an example from another fic with pretty significant spoilers if you can figure out which one it is oops:

I’d recommend keeping your outlines pretty simple, at least to start with: words and phrases, rather than whole-ass sentences like the above. The complexity will develop as your ideas do, so no need to wrack your brain trying to write out the entire story in bullet form.

I use the bolded ideas as stepping stones, more or less; I’ll write out the piece of the story that each line represents, which can be as little as a sentence or as much as 4 or more chapters (RIP my most recent long-running fic), then delete that line and move on to the next. 

Bolding them isn’t necessary, but it does make it easier to differentiate at a glance what needs to be written. If you keep everything in the same hundred-page Google Doc like I do, this is very important.

Your outline doesn’t have to be well-written, and you can 100% use fillers like “and then something happens here.” I do that all the time -- again, another completely different story:

Now, the vaguer things are, the more annoyed Future You will be when it comes time to write whatever it’s bulleting -- there’s a reason I haven’t updated this fic, and it’s because I have zero idea what the everliving fuck “Pinky-and-the-Brain-ing all over the place” means -- but it’s really good for when you’re first getting started sketching out the vague outline of your fic. The more you panic trying to figure out all the twists and details at the very start, the less likely you’re ever just going to sit down and write the damn thing.

(This might be why I don’t write plot-heavy stories, to be fair. Mystery writers very well might have to have it all planned out from the get-go, and I’d recommend chatting with someone who’s a bit less “coffeeshop AU” and a bit more Agatha Christie for that kind of advice.)

Knowing When to Post

There are people that exist, who have amazing self-control, who can wait until their entire story is written and then release it in sections, at regular intervals, until the story is completed.

I am not one of these people, though I try to be with literally every single fic I’ve ever written.

Personally, I do this until I reach a point where I get stuck and need validation, and then post what I have in a giant chunk and then don’t update it for several months. This is almost universally known as the worst way to write fanfics, both in terms of getting interaction from fans and keeping readers from wanting to kill you, and if you have the ability to write the entire thing and sit on it until it’s ready to be shared, you are a hero.

Alternatively, if you can actually stick to a set schedule of writing it as you go and still update with a new chapter every X days, you are not human and I’m terrified of you, because if you find a way to weaponize this power you will rule the world.

Honestly, a good rule of thumb? Post it when you’re ready for people to read it, whether it’s done or not. Not all works will get done, and it seems mean to deny people the delicious little stub you’ve written even if you’re not going to finish it. When you’re happy with what you have -- or are so tired of looking at it that you need to post it or you’ll throw your computer out the window -- just do it and let out a sigh of relief, then either take a few days before going back to writing or just jump in immediately like a goddamn masochist.

(I have tried to get far enough ahead that I can start posting the already-written stuff on a schedule, figuring by the time I’m caught up I’ll have completed the entire story and won’t have any awkward gaps. Ahahahahahahahahaha that has never once worked.)

If you’re not certain about your writing, get a beta! The fandom is full of talented people who’d be happy to read over your work, and if the person you ask doesn’t have the time or spoons, they probably have a few ideas of other people you could reach out to. You don’t need a beta, but it always makes me feel better to have another set of eyes look over my writing before posting, and my beta always catches things I completely missed. Plus, you get a nice taste of that sweet, sweet validation we all crave.

This . . . is a bad guide. Just in general. The advice is . . . not good, and I think it’s largely useless. But I keep trying to think of useful things to add to it and coming up empty, so I hope something in here helped, and if you’d like to bounce your ideas off of someone, feel free to shoot me a message! Talking ideas over with friends is a great way to flesh them out as well, and I am happy to be anyone’s fandom friend.

[thechocoboos]

Could you do the chocobros (+Ardyn and Ravus) taking care of their significant other while she's on her period?

These hcs have been sitting in my google docs for a week now--but hey, they’re ready!!! I ended up with eight pages of headcanons so brace yourself lol; wrote these while i was suffering from the very thing i was writing about. what a life.

HC: The Bros + Ardyn and Ravus taking care of their SO on their period!

Noctis

Noct knew that periods existed, he swore that he did, but he just kinda… forgets.

So when he came home to see you dying on your couch, he was just… ??? “Uh, babe? You okay?”

“NO, Noct, I’m not o-fucking-kay--”

“Uh.”

It was only when he called Ignis that he figured out what was going on, with Ignis exasperatedly having to remind Noct that hey, people get periods!

It was a short phonecall, luckily

And it didn’t take Noct too long to get with the program

Softness increases to 110%

Mutual laziness increases to 70%

Caring for his SO increases to 2000%

He does his best--but he also kinda. Just. I dont wanna say it but he doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal until he sees you crying over cramps, then he realizes that periods suck and that you just need your stupid boyfriend to give you the love and support that you deserve

After that, he gets better!!!

“NoCT, can you please go get me my meds? And some water--”

“Can’t you do it yourself--” He always freezes, remembering how bad it can be, “Shit, sorry, babe--” He already started getting up, bringing out a bit of your favorite snack as an apology, “You know I’m an idiot.” He said when he handed you your meds and your fave candy bar

You know, and for whatever reason, you still loved him

He kinda has to learn what to do and what not to do just because he feels too unsure to ask anyone

Unfortunately, it was also through trial and error that he realized how sensitive you can sometimes be when your period is knockin’ at the front door

He found out through multiple crying sessions--and yes, it was usually his fault, but he was always insanely good about making it up to you with food, cuddles, and movie marathons

He’s the boyfriend who goes to the store for tampons and pads for you, sees the giant aisle of them, and while he isn’t embarrassed to be seen buying shit for his SO, he has absolutely no idea what to get and literally grabs the first shit he sees

And of course, you send him right back with a picture of the brand you actually like and a pad in his hand just so he can get it right the second time

Cue the mental image of Noctis comparing the pad in his hand to the color of pad packaging in stores

“They’re both green so it’s gotta be right… right???”

In summary: Noctis is a dumbass and can be a bit insensitive about periods simply because he’s really not around women or anyone who gets periods, but he really does try to remedy his ignorance and any mistakes he makes

Prompto

Prompto, too, has never really had much experience with girls or periods or people with periods and he just. He tries so hard--he really does

He gets you a new teddy bear every single time (at some point, you know you’re gonna have to tell him that he can’t keep buying you new bears, but it’s so cute that you don’t want him to stop)

He’s the one who gets sympathy pain

I promise, the second he catches wind that you’re on your period, he’s out the door trying to find your favorite of everything

If you send him to the store for pads, he comes back with one of everything and lots of tears in his eyes, “Babe--I didn’t know what you wanted so I just bought everything im sorry oh gods”

He’s the pitiful soul who blushes as he buys all the pads and tampons and looks like he’s gonna cry

He’s the one who pulls a cart full of sanitary products to the first register he sees and is crying as he looks in the clerk’s eyes and cries, “My SO is on their period i dont know what they like help me please”

Christ, he’s a mess but he’s your mess and you love him

He comes back with every single snack he knows you so much as look at

Cravings? He’s got your back.

Like, you mention this shit you want half heartedly and then he disappears for three hours and comes back with a weighted blanket, heating pad, and three bags of those weird chips you were craving

He’s always blushing and frantic, but he blushes the hardest when you ask him to lay with you and cuddle

Ofc he does it--he loves it, but the bold, straightforward way you ask has him blushing head to toes

He once caught himself wishing people got periods more often just so he could hold you like this more often--he accidentally said it out loud, and you only snuggled into his chest more and told him to shut up and hold you tighter

Prompto is a mess but he tries so, so hard just to make you comfortable and content

He once drove for twenty minutes to find your favorite candy bar (and he would do it again, no question)

When you cry bc emotions, he starts to tear up, too

He always says, “Babe, if you cry, I’ll start crying and then we’ll both be crying and I don't think either of us can handle that on an emotional level” and then you both cry anyways

He likes to sing to you when you guys cuddle, his voice is soft but husky in the perfect way that lulls you to sleep

If you fall asleep in his arms, he falls asleep, too

He’s the extra bf who goes above and beyond unnecessarily, merely because he doesn’t know how else to help you

Gladdy

Holy Behemoth Batman! One of these idiots is properly aware of periods!!!

And it’s this one. Bravo, Gladdy, bravo. Fans everywhere are cheering your name.

In all seriousness, he is aware and actually knows how to handle someone who is on their period

Iris used to get some pretty bad periods, and with their mom not around and their dad always busy, it was Gladio who had to help her out and actually explain them to her in the first place (he’s never gonna forget when Iris ran up to him one morning while crying and shouting about bloody underwear)

So, needless to say, he ain’t shy during that time of the month. In fact, he knows more tips and tricks than you do, simply because he was one hell of a big bro for Iris

Heating pads? Blankets? Snacks? Damn good brands of sanitary products? He’s got it all and you didn’t even have to ask, like holy shit

Back when you guys were just starting out your relationship, you had actually gotten your period once while at his place and when you told him you’d have to go home because you forgot your products, he was like, “Oh--hang on. You prefer pads or tampons???” and pulls out a giant basket with a lobster on it, labelled ‘Menstruation Crustacean’

He said that he liked to be prepared in case Iris was over

What an absolute legend of a bf. Like, after that, you knew you weren’t letting this fucker go.

He rubs your stomach if you’re having really bad cramps and doesn’t even have to be asked to go grab you some pain meds--it’s like he has a sixth sense or some shit

Really, really chill about periods as a whole like he’s not scared to go to the store for you and he gets the right products!!!

Sometimes, when you get so sore and crampy that you can’t move, he’ll carry you around in his arms and doesn’t complain once

Will change your bloody sheets and isn’t the slightest bit grossed out--doesn’t mind emptying the bathroom trashcan either

Similar to Prompto, he loves to hold you and hum to you. He won’t sing, but even his absent minded humming while he holds you to his chest under one arm and reads some random book lulls you to sleep with ease

Quite frankly, probably the best of the bros when it comes to periods

He’s not scared of them. He doesn’t care if it gets messy, he knows what to do, like. Shit. Fuckin’ winner over here.

Ignis

Ignis, much like everyone else, does not have that much experience with periods. Didn’t really have many folks with periods around and he’s never had a SO before

So you would think he’s a hot mess--but nO! He would nEvER

He googled and he googled and he googled and he asked coworkers (always respectfully ofc) and he googled some more

He has an arsenal of tips and tricks and guides and everything--but he does lack the hands on experience

He will help you and he will buy you everything you need and more--but there will always be the hesitation of someone who doesn’t really know what they’re doing

One time, Ignis tried to rub your belly to help with cramps, but he only succeeded in tickling you and embarrassingly had to admit he doesn’t really know where his hand should be

Ugh what a cutie pie

He’s patient and sweet and he does all these small things for you without even telling you, and when you do notice, you feel like your heart is just gonna burst and vomit affection everywhere

He’s still a little embarrassed and shy when you boldly demand cuddles, but he does it nonetheless (he fucking loves it though he will never admit to it)

He’s the SO who cleans up bloody sheets and quietly gets blood stains out of your clothes while you’re vomiting from cramps, but never, ever makes a big deal out of it and does it with the caring affection of a kind man in love

Bumps his pun game to 110% to try and make you laugh

Knows which subjects and what phrases and words to avoid to prevent your emotions from blowing up

Even if they do, he never takes rude words to heart and he always comforts you lovingly, giving you a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek

He keeps an eye on you

If you shift uncomfortably, he’s there with a heating pad

If you’re meds are wearing off, he already has more in hand

Sometimes, if you want to cuddle, you only have to look at him a certain way before he’s sighing and climbing into bed next to you, reminding you that if you were anyone else he wouldn’t go this far

He just dotes on you in the quietest ways possible

Ravus

Insensitive Dumbass Part 2

Yes, he knows people get periods. Does he care? No.

Not until he falls in love with you, at least.

Cramps? Can’t be that bad. Migraines? Just mere headaches. Aches and pains? Probably nothing. He dismisses each symptom right up until you come into his life

Because when you guys get together--he gets to see firsthand just how bad everything can get

Oh gods you’re crying from it all?? VOmitting??? HOW WAS HE SUPPOSED TO KNOW--

He felt like a right dick (and he should)

But he was also quick to change his tune, because the love of his life can’t suffer like this

Not while he’s around!!!

He’s quick to ask Luna what to do, and thank god at least one sibling in their family is sympathetic and not a mess and a fucking half otherwise he’d be doing things through trial and error (not that he didn’t, even with the help)

He does everything by the written list Luna had given him (she knew he wasn’t gonna remember everything), even years after you two got together (he likes to use it as a benchmark of sorts to know when he’s doing everything you need)

The first few times you had sent him to the store because you ran out of supplies, he had absolutely no idea what to get and any poor employees who tried to help him earned the most aggressive, hostile glare he could muster

He ends up calling Luna, too, because how is he supposed to call you and tell you that he doesn’t know what to get??? And have you think he’s incapable??? NO! He was gonna be the best bf and get exactly what you fucking needed or so help him--

He’s just very aggressively in love. Little bit of a dick but he changes and grows as a person into the kinda man we can all love and support and who will love and support us right back!!!

He does his best but he doesn’t want to seem incapable of being helpful

Likes to remind you when your medicine is supposed to wear out so he can show that he’s some use

Anytime he gives you a massage or rubs your back or smth, he’s always giving you nervous, uncertain glances just to make sure you’re content or that he’s helping

Always giving you nervous glances just to check that you’re okay (he really loves you, he’s just not sure how to show it)

Lots of hugs and kisses but he’s embarrassed about all the skinship when you want cuddles (don’t get him wrong, he really, really loves it; he’s just… not sure what to do with all these feelings)

He learns how to be a supportive, wonderful SO when you’re on your period and maybe one day he might actually remember your favorite brand (but don’t get your hopes up too much at that)

Ardyn

Back in Ardyn’s day, periods weren’t exactly talked about, so the first few times you mentioned them, he was absolutely flabbergasted that you would blatantly talk about something that was considered so private

If he hadn’t been a healer, he wouldn’t have known near as much about them as he did

But even as a healer, periods were still something considered a woman’s subject and were usually left for women healers and mothers to handle so he could rarely do much

But then--Ardyn had to get pretty fuckin’ used to periods because you were pretty much out of commission when your “aunt irma” came to visit

First couple times you got your period while with Ardyn, they weren’t so bad, but then they went right back to their normal symptoms

When Ardyn came home to see you curled up in a ball, clutching your abdomen and trying to just keep your eyes shut to block out the light, he had thought you were terribly, terribly sick

“Darling--what’s wrong? What happened--” He was genuinely concerned and worried, his brow furrowed and mouth drawn in a worried frown. He hadn’t realized that your periods were so debilitating, so to see you like this, he had thought something even worse had happened

You only managed a groan when you tried to talk, and that only made him rush over even more, trying to lift your arms to see where you were injured, “Darling, please--”

“‘M fine,” you tried to say, “It’s just--fuck,” You hissed as a particularly bad cramp came your way, “--fine, jus’, that time of the month.” You wheezed, laying your head back down on your pillow

And that was when Ardyn realized just how terrible the symptoms could be

He was a worried man. Absurdly worried actually, and sometimes it made you want to laugh if everything didn’t hurt so badly

Ardyn was the kind of man to do absolutely anything and everything for his love, so that’s what he did

You never had to leave the bed for anything unless you really wanted to

Ardyn would deliver your pain meds on the clock, always accompanied by the most ridiculously jeweled goblet he could find (he was always one to be amusingly over the top and treat you like a queen, but his dramatics always cheered you up)

He was usually by your side unless you requested some alone time, and then he would respectfully kiss your forehead, say “Of course, darling. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call--I am always at your disposal,” and close the door quietly as he left

Otherwise, he would be laying in bed with you, one arm wrapped around your shoulder and the other holding some old book or resting across his stomach as he took a nap beside you

He would give you massages wherever you ached and he would provide herbal remedies from back in his day that were pretty good at relieving aches and pains

Ardyn’s innuendos and teasings would go on the back burner during this time--unless you instigated it

If you didn’t, he might tease you here and there, but always the tiniest, most light hearted things and it was always said in the softest teasing tones

All your feelings are valid to him, hormonal or otherwise, and he will listen to every word you say as though they were your last

Yes, you were usually treated like royalty by him, but it somehow increased exponentially when that time of the month arrived

[onepieceoftheoceanblues]

Hi, this isn't a request but I was wondering, what is your top 5 One Piece aus that you have, are currently, or want to write for in the future? I was curious

Thanks for sending this in! I love aus so much Most of my writing is unposted or nothing beyond outlines and information put on a google doc but I love planing stories and aus out so much. I hope i get them out and write them someday ^-^1. A backstory swap au with the ASL. I've been writing down ideas for it lately! It's basically; Luffy has Sabo’s back story, Sabo has Ace’s, and Ace has Luffys, loosely. For example, Ace is still roger’s son but he was raised in Foosha. Sabo was found in Gray Terminal by Garp a few months after he brought Ace home, and he decided to drop him off with the bandits while he tried to find his family. Luffy’s dad Dragon was going to leave Lu with his grandfather, but after seeing how his grandfather treated his other ‘grandchildren’ he decided to leave him with a old childhood friend (not tied with the revolutionaries) in Town Center/Mid Town. Unfortunately, he died and Luffy was ‘adopted’ into a higher standing family. I have some more if anyone's interested about this au >.>

2. Modern Reincarnation aus. I love the concept of Modern aus, especially when it's reincarnated. However I like to also play with the statistics to this, and the logicalities. So you have the strawhats (+ others) getting reborn but it's much more subtle and they go thought their new lives a bit lost and missing something, with new names and lives. The more of each other they find, the more they remember. It follows Luffy (reborn as Matthew Lockwood, son to a young rich couple) tries to find his missing Nine Parts and Two. (That's his crew and his brothers btw).

3. Soulmate aus. I really love the concept of these, but I love the idea that the soulmate bond isn't inherently Romantic, Sexual, Platonic, Familial, ect., Just that the person is their perfect match/other half and it's up to the bonded to figure what that means. It's just super cute and fun and there's so many ways you can go about it. I have a few ideas around it, and I love mashing ideas.  

4. Time travel. Oh my god, I love time travel tropes (especially time loops). I have several aus set up that have some sort of Time Travel aspect to them, so I won't list them, but I don't really have any yet that are the pure focus of the story as I prefer reading them, but someday I want to do one. AUs that focus on Luffy coming back and having to adapt or ones where the pre-timeskip strawhats meets post-timeskip strawhats are amazing.

5. And my fav, Oc/self inserts or reborn characters, ie aus where the character is from our world and goes into the One Piece world. You guys don't know this (since i never post/finish/write my ideas XD) but this is my main type for writing! Almost all my stuff I write in most fandom are of this type :D I like to explore the possibilities and different ways someone who has all the knowledge of one piece (or barely any!) and has the power to change the story but still have to deal with what comes next (butterfly effect vs. ‘specific points in time are unchangeable’ is super fun to play with). The idea that someone can completely twist a story with one sentence vs someone desperately trying to change things only to make things worse vs someone just trying their best to stay alive is *chefs kiss* mwah!

[four-loose-screws]

FE4 Suzuki Novelization Translation - Chapter 7 Part 2

If you would like to start from the beginning, read a missed part, etc., click here!

FE Game Script Translations - FE Novel Translations - Original FE Support Conversations - Ko-fi

T/N: Chapter 7′s title completely spoils one of the big events of the chapter, so I won’t be putting it in my tumblr posts like I usually do. You can check out the Google Doc, where I could hide it. Highlight the Table of Contents page to see it. In the event that this is your first experience with FE4′s plot, read the title after Chapter 7 Part 3. Those who have played FE4, it is of course nothing you don’t already know.

———————————

Chapter 7

Part 2

Text under cut for spoilers.

Prince Kurt’s death had a huge impact on the imperial court of Balhalla.

He’d been King Azmur’s only child, and never married, so it meant the death of Saint Heim’s bloodline.

King Azmur had already been sick, but when he heard of the prince’s death, his health declined rapidly, and put him on death’s door.

The next day, the message that Dukes Byron and Ring were the perpetrators was sent through the semaphore line.

The next signal announced that they were on the run.

The three Dukes left in Balhalla, Reptor, Arvis, and Claud, held a meeting to discuss how they should handle the situation.

Reptor immediately suggested that they deploy the Roten Ritter to take down Sigurd’s army in Augustria. “We already know that Sigurd has tried to act without consulting His Majesty before. There’s no question that he plotted to usurp the country with his father.”

Arvis disagreed. “If we deployed the Roten Ritter, the capital would be defenseless. We should wait until the rest of our army returns home from Isaach.”

“Plus, we have very little information.” Claud added, but his voice was as quiet and timid as ever. “Judging from their personalities, I’d never imagine that they’d ever try to harm Prince Kurt…”

“But they’re running away! What more proof could you need?”

“That may be true, but it doesn’t mean that the opposite isn’t also a possibility.”

“What do you mean?”

“We don’t know for sure if they weren’t assassinated alongside the prince.”

“S-So who do you think did it!?”

“I’m not saying I know who did it. I’m just pointing out another possibility. I’ve decided to go to the Bragi Tower. That is, if you two agree to it…”

“Why would you go to the Bragi Tower now, of all times!?”

“I apologize if I’m repeating anything you already know, but High Priest Bragi sealed the Valkyrie Staff there. If Bragi’s descendant prays to the staff, then it will tell them the truth.”

“But how is that relevant to what’s going on now…?”

“The truth is always important.” Arvis cut in. “Father Claud, I think you should go. I only ask that you tell us what truth you saw when you return.”

“Thank you. I’ll come back as quickly as I possibly can, so please wait to deploy any soldiers unless it is absolutely necessary. I’m going to leave for the tower as soon as I am done with my business here, so please report to His Majesty in my place.”

-

Claud started for Augustria alone, and continued on without even stopping at his own villa.

The fastest way to get to Bragi Tower was to take a boat from a port in Grannvale, but he wanted to alert Sigurd of what was going on.

Traveling through Augusty meant that he would have to cross Duke Reptor’s duchy, Friege.

-

Unlike her father, Reptor, and her brother, Bloom, Princess Tailtiu was a warm, cheerful person.

Because Bloom had inherited Thrud’s Holy Mark and the Holy Thunder Tome Mjölnir, Reptor didn’t pay much attention to her. It was a good thing, because it allowed Tailtiu to leave the castle and have fun around town, but it also meant that her family ignored her and she often felt alone, so she was very conflicted by it.

On the day that Claude visited Friege, she was out again, watching a traveling troupe of acrobats in the town plaza.

After they gave their first performance, she walked up to one of the members of the group, a young woman.

She asked what it was like to live life traveling from place to place, why the woman had joined the troupe, what was the best thing about it, what was the worst thing about it, and many more questions.

When their second performance started, Tailtiu watched from the front and center spot once more.

It was the same performance as before, but when she connected it to all the things the woman had told her, she wasn’t bored in the slightest.

When it was over, she threw them a gold coin.

They thanked her, then picked up their belongings and left.

She knew that it would be best to return home soon, but didn’t feel like it, so, she wandered through shops aimlessly, until she just so happened to see the archbishop of Edda coming her way. “Long time no see, Father!”

Claud was surprised by her voice.

“Oh hello, Princess of Friege! Um… what was your name again? Tail… Tail…”

“Tailtiu!”

“That’s right! Hello, Tailtiu! How are you?”

“I’m doing great! What about you?”

“I’m fine, but in a tough situation.”

“Why are you here in Friege?”

“Well, I’m actually on my way to the Bragi Tower. I decided that I would stay here for the night, so I’m looking for an inn right now.”

“Oh really? Then why don’t you stay at the castle? You’re welcome anytime!”

“That’s very kind of you, but…”

“As I thought… You know I’d be the only one to welcome you…”

“N-No, that’s not it…”

“Say, don’t people usually go to the Bragi Tower by boat?”

“Yes, that’s true, but this time, I couldn’t…”

“Wow, sounds like you’re on an interesting adventure! I know of a great inn, and I’m hungry, so why don’t we eat and talk about it there?”

“Alright... Let’s go…”

Tailtiu’s best trait was her cleverness. By the time their meal was over, she already understood the gist of what was going on.

“I’m going to go with you, Father Claud!”

“Huh? But why?”

“Because I heard that pirates have been hanging around the Bragi Tower recently! It would be careless to let you go all by yourself. And I may not look it, but I can use a little magic! You can’t use offensive magic, so….”

“But what would your father say…?”

“You, he, and Duke Arvis all decided at your meeting that you should go to the Bragi Tower, right? So to protect you is to serve an important role for Grannvale!”

Of course, that wasn’t really her main concern. After meeting the acrobats, she now wanted to travel. She had a feeling that there was an adventure out there, waiting just for her.

“What time will you leave tomorrow?”

“Hmmm… About eight in the morning, I believe.”

“Okay, let’s meet here at eight o’clock sharp! I’ll be waiting until then!

-

The next day, Claud walked out of the inn thirty minutes early.

However, Tailtiu was already waiting. “Good morning!”

“Ah, good morning, Princess Tailtiu…”

“I bet you’re surprised to see me, huh?”

“Y-Yes, I didn’t think a princess would be such an early bird.”

“That’s true, but yesterday, when you said eight, I could tell by your face that you were lying!”

“Huh? I… I could never make such a face!”

“A priest shouldn’t lie, Father! Now let’s go!”

-

Erinys left the castle to complete her morning reconnaissance duty.

She always started by first traveling east. Today, she saw a unit of armored knights marching towards Augusty.

She started to head back, but then decided to check north first, and once again saw a group of armored knights moving towards Augusty. There were also cavalry behind them.

‘And what about the western forest?’ She thought.

She flew over the forest and saw the shadow of someone trying frantically to hide in the bushes.

And to the south, she saw a cavalry unit that had already come very far from Silvali Castle.

She returned to the castle and reported every thing she’d seen.

The battle preparation fanfare was sounded immediately.

The army leaders all gathered in the castle reception room.

Sigurd had a grim look on his face. “I don’t want to fight Eldigan. There’s still three more months before the time I promised him we would pull out. I want to figure out a way to end this without fighting. Oifey, can we hold the castle?”

“There’s one general rule for holding a castle - that an army should only do it if there’s a possibility that reinforcements will arrive. Can we expect reinforcements at this time? I don’t think there’s even a chance of that. In addition, we are in enemy territory. The moment they caught on to us, they’d easily be able to send in more and more soldiers to put pressure on us. We have no choice but to leave the castle.”

“If we can’t avoid fighting, then we can’t avoid fighting. But what kind of strategy can we utilize? There’s enemies coming at us from all four directions!”

“King Chagall's strategies are simply whatever comes to his mind. There’s both infantry and cavalry in his army. The best strategy is to have all units march together and surround the enemy castle, yet he has his soldiers all coming from four different directions. He probably thought that we wouldn't notice anyone coming if he sent his army in chunks, but it means they are all moving at different speeds. We can deal with them each individually."

"I see. Since we have no choice but to fight, then let's give it all we've got and claim victory! We’ll deploy after breakfast."

Sigurd returned to his room, and was greeted by Deirdre, who was carrying Seliph, and looked terribly worried.

"Are you going to fight again?" She asked.

"King Chagall's army is coming this way from all four directions. But you can't come this time. You mustn't leave Seliph's side. He's still just a newborn."

"But… But I'm worried."

"Then I'll tell Shanan to protect you two. That should put your mind at ease."

It was actually him that she was worried about, but Sigurd did not realize that, and went ahead with calling in Shanan.

“Shanan, will you protect Deirdre and Seliph while I’m out fighting?”

“Okay! I’ll take care of them while you’re gone!” It was the first big responsibility the Isaachian prince had ever been entrusted with, and he was very excited.

“See? Shanan will be with you, so rest easy. And I’ll come home as soon as I can. We won’t be separated forever.” Sigurd said, then left the room.

She didn’t know why, but her husband’s words made Deirdre even more uneasy. As she watched him leave, she whispered, “Lord Sigurd…”

-

Sigurd’s cavalry unit first hurried south to fight the armored knights.

The knights were caught completely off guard, and suffered total defeat in a matter of minutes.

Meanwhile, the infantry traveled north, hid in the edge of a forest, and waited for the enemy to draw near.

The battle started with the arrival of more enemy armored knights. Sigurd’s infantry unit was unable to finish them off before the cavalry unit arrived, making the situation very harsh for them.

But the tables turned yet again when the cavalry unit returned from their fight to the south.

Lex looked for Ayra, then rushed up alongside her. Though they exchanged no words, they felt like the perfect team as they fought together.

The Brave Sword he’d gifted her was unbelievably sharp. It paired perfectly with her Astra technique, and cut through the enemies like paper.

After they defeated the cavalry from the north, yet another cavalry unit arrived from the south. It wasn’t Eldigan’s Cross Knights, as Sigurd had originally feared. Eldigan must not have answered Chagall’s request for soldiers.

Since Sigurd’s army was so much larger, they had the overwhelming advantage, and this battle also ended quickly.

When they’d defeated this second cavalry unit, the unit approaching from the west was still in the forest.

Sigurd formed a side unit to fight them, then led the main force to Madino.

Claud and Tailtiu met up with the latter group.

Claud told one of the soldiers that they were looking for Sigurd, who led them to him.

Once they had a chance to talk alone, Claud explained the situation to Sigurd. “Duke Arvis is against deploying the Roten Ritter, so he suspended the attack on you and your army, but most of the people in the imperial court right now are part of Reptor’s political party. Please do not do anything to provoke anyone in Grannvale until I’ve figured out the truth and talked to the king.”

“Understood. I’m want to return home because I’m worried about my father, but I’m fighting right now. His Majesty also ordered me to protect Augusty. I’ll stay here until you’ve returned.”

“Please do.”

“But why is the princess of Friege going with you to the Bragi Tower?”

“Oh, we ran into each other while I was staying in the castle town for a night, and she insisted on coming with me. I was troubled by it, too… But she doesn’t have anything to do with Reptor’s party, so don’t worry about her.”

“Really? If that’s the case, then it should be fine… Anyway, I’ll order some soldiers to guard you until you’ve left Augusty.”

After saying their goodbyes to Sigurd, Claud and Tailtiu left with the guards, then headed west towards the port.

-

Deirdre had just put Seliph down to sleep and gotten out of bed when a black shadow began to form on the wall.

The black shadow gradually became darker and darker, until a man wearing a wine red robe appeared from it.

“I’ve finally found you… daughter of Cigyun.” He stared straight at her as he spoke.

“What!? Who are you…!? How do you know my mother’s name…!?”

The man cackled in response. “You will now be reborn! ...By my dark magic, all your memories will be erased, and you will become that man’s wife. ...It is your fate. Do not try to fight it!”

The man’s voice echoed through her head and clouded her thoughts.

He took a step towards her.

“Wh-What are you doing!? ...Stop! ...No… Lord Sigurd…”

Seliph burst out crying.

‘And, Seliph… I must not forget for his sake, too…’

She thought about them as hard as she could, but the darkness was already consuming her consciousness.

Her memories vanished, and she was engulfed in darkness.

By the time Shannan heard Seliph’s cries and rushed into the room, Deirdre had already disappeared.

[queerlyglittering]

LETTER BOY UPDATE

ok! This is long overdue lmao. but until the other day I was feeling a bit mopey and sad and also just generally tired and didn’t wanna talk about it BUT THEN  E X T R E M E L Y  LONG POST AHEAD

so lemme see where I last left off re: Letter Boy.... ok so like, to recap: there for a while we’d barely been talking. He didn’t have time to write to me most of the time, and then half the time when we did write to each other our letters kept getting lost in the mail, etc etc. I know I’d been like pretty obsessive over the whole letter-writing thing for a while so I thought I’d been pushing him away and like at one point I wrote him a goodbye letter? Like I was really out here like “I’m so sorry for bothering you so much, I’ll leave you alone now” like what sort of passive-aggressive bitchy monster lmao. And then eventually I was like nah fuck that, that’s not ok and I’m not leaving things like that, so I wrote him an apology and we kinda got back to talking a bit. And then he finally wrote me back! And his letter was deeply personal and emotional and I cried! He came out as ace! He told me he loved me! The absolute drama of it all! (Which it turns out, at that point he didn’t mean it in terms of like, romantic love, just like... he really cared about me as a person and was glad that he felt comfortable to write about his experiences re: being ace to me and it was sort of cathartic. BUT THEN!) So I wrote back almost immediately, telling him that I loved him too and that he was valid and shit lmao. That was all back in late May/early June I think... tbh I don’t remember what happened over the summer, lemme go back and reread our messages? b/c I know neither of us has physically written to the other since then.  Ok so we messaged a bit about potentially meeting up at a Pride festival, either there in Houston or up in Dallas, but the timing just generally didn’t work out in our favor for either event, so we wound up not going. And then we kinda sporadically messaged each other here and there, usually when he was stressed with school or I was stressed with work, etc, but we barely talked off and on for a couple months. Then I started my current job, and my sleep cycle got outta whack for a few weeks, and that’s when things started to get interesting again lmao

ok so sometime near the end of August, he had like a minor depressive episode or something in the middle of the night and messaged me at like 4 am saying he felt “gross and sad” and I slept through that because it was Saturday but I wound up waking up at like 6:30 out of habit from getting up for work, and I ended up calling him and we talked for a while and I vented about some stuff in my life too and then we both went back to sleep lmao. And after that things got a little more active in terms of communication; like y’all know me, I’m a Needy Bitch, so of course I wound up messaging him like once every couple days or so whenever I started to miss him and needed Attention. Like it kinda started with a tarot reading I got, just a standard past/present/future 3-card reading, but she pulled the Lovers for my present, so I mean.... and basically she said something about there being a person in my life whom I had feelings for, and who reciprocated those feelings, but there was a communications disconnect, and the relationship was getting to a point where it could begin to go stale, and that we shouldn’t block ourselves off from progress. After that reading I reached out and messaged him again, and we ended up literally speaking every day for a week. Like I think I’d made a post about that on here about not messaging him for the 8th day in a row and thought I was exaggerating but then I went back and counted and IT ACTUALLY WAS THE 8TH DAY, WOW AUDREY, YOU’RE OFFICIALLY ANNOYING. So I tried to get better about leaving him alone lmao but I started messaging him a bunch of stuff about my singing, because my old community had a brief resurgence in September. and he said he wanted to sing something with me someday and I’m 🥰🥰

So then at one point I had mentioned coming down to Houston for the weekend of the SFA/Sam Houston State game (which was last weekend, 10/5-6) with my friend, and ditching the game to hang out with him instead. I kinda let the subject drop for a couple weeks because at that point it was almost a month out and I wasn’t 100% sure I was gonna be able to go so I didn’t want to get both our hopes up. But then work started being really shitty and dicking me around about my schedule change that was supposed to have happened once I got out of training, and my home life wasn’t gr8 either, so I kinda latched onto that weekend trip as like a bright spot, or something to hope for. Something to keep me going. And he’d basically forgotten about it, which is fine, except I wound up springing it back on him at the last minute lmao. But then my friend who I was supposed to go with (because I can’t drive so she was gonna drive us down there) was like ‘nah I’m not going to the game, I have no money for tickets.’ So I was like well shit, there goes my happy thing. And I talked to her about it and basically begged her to just go down to Houston for the weekend anyway, I’d get us a hotel and everything, because I needed this. So she was like ‘alright, look at hotels.’ But then HER friend got very sick, like in-the-hospital having-mysterious-seizures sick, and she went to go stay with her in the hospital for a few days because the girl’s husband was being a dick about it (it turned out to just be an infection from a contact lens that got stuck in her eye and like melted??? idk. but it was BAD AND SCARY). But that was like Wednesday-Friday of the week we were supposed to go to Houston on that weekend and I wasn’t sure she’d be up to going. So I asked last minute if she still wanted to go or if I should cancel the hotel (not realizing that it was too late to cancel it anyway lmao RIP) and she said ‘ok sure but I wanna bring my kid, since I’ve been away from her for 3 whole days.’ I was like that’s fine, I already thought you were gonna bring her lol. So we wound up going down there on Saturday but we left a bit later than we’d meant to, and by the time we got to town, Letter Boy was already at work. So I missed him that day. The three of us (me, friend & kiddo) wound up swimming in the hotel pool and then ordering Chinese takeout for dinner so that was pretty fun. 

Then the next day, Sunday! Letter Boy called as we were checking out of the hotel to try and figure out what the plan was, where we could meet up, etc. We decided to meet at the mall nearby, since it was an easy landmark for all parties, and we could find each other pretty easily there. He took me (and my friend and her kid, though apparently that wasn’t the plan, and he would’ve preferred to spend time with just me; she even gave me the option to not have the two of them meet us at the restaurant and I decided not to take it because i was a nervous anxious coward lmao) out to lunch at this Korean place in town, where he loves to eat. We played a few rounds of a card game and talked and ate and it was great fun. Then he had to bail and go to work, and we had an interesting goodbye because I’d been out here trying to respect his personal space and all because from what he’d said in his coming-out letter, it sounded very much like he was touch-averse - but then he hugged me goodbye? and kept coming back for more hugs?! like “one more? ok just one more? and one more?” like nonstop for a good five minutes lmao. I was a bit confused but I loved it (my primary love language is physical touch; hugs are my kryptonite. And he gives AMAZING hugs. like I may have even actually dreamed about his hugs before I ever got to experience one, but that’s whole other post lol). Anyway so after that my friend and I went to hang out at her brother’s in-laws’ place because they lived in the area lol. Letter Boy had asked me to message him once I got there, so I did. I told him I wished I could’ve spent more time with him one-on-one, and he said “well if you’re still in town maybe you can sneak away when I get my break later” So I basically said hell yes, just tell me where to meet you, lol. We wound up meeting up at Starbucks and getting coffee and continuing to talk and hang out for the half hour of his break, and he really didn’t want to leave when it was time for him to go. Like he actually contemplated kidnapping me and bringing me to work with him lmao. If my ride hadn’t already been on her way, I would’ve gone with him in a heartbeat. I didn’t want to leave either. And he told me he loved me again!  🥰🥰🥰 It was sappy and sweet and just aghhhh <3

So that was a week ago today! And there’s been some interesting developments since then too. Starting off with that Sunday night when I got home, I’d had too much coffee (starbucks messed up my order and had to remake it so I ended up drinking both lmao, big mistake). So I was over-caffeinated and v emotional and couldn’t sleep so I started writing out all my anxious confused feelings in letter form, and wound up just linking Letter Boy to the Google Doc I’d been writing in. This was at almost 2 AM. Apparently I woke him up and he read it and replied to me over messenger and basically we talked about how like. when he first said he loved me in the letter, he didn’t necessarily mean it in a romantic context but it was definitely more than just platonic and he wasn’t sure how to quantify that. But now that we’d met in person, and got to spend some actual time together, he felt a little differently and that he was “not 100% sure but WAAAY more than 50% sure” that he loved me romantically, because partially because he’s ace, he’s just kinda unsure about romantic relationships in general and he’s reluctant to commit to them because the sex thing always becomes an issue. I reassured him that I completely understand and respect his orientation and would never ask him to change that aspect of himself or do anything that would make him uncomfortable, and he seemed immensely relieved. At this point I’m honestly not even sure how much of his feelings are genuinely for/about me, and how much of them are just some sort of general euphoria at having someone basically validate his orientation and his existence, because he’d spent so long being mocked and tormented by friends and lovers alike, and basically just feeling broken and worthless. And I completely understand that reaction. I’m not even sure I care if that’s all this is, if it comes down to it; I’m happy to be here to love and support him and make sure he never feels less than whole and valid again, no matter my context in his life. I just want him to be happy. I’d love to be the one who makes him happy, but if ultimately that is not my part in his life, then so be it. I’m at peace with it.

Anyway so that was Sunday night, we talked a little bit on Monday and Tuesday and then like,, nothing at all for a few days? And so of course my immediate instinct is that I came on too strong and pushed him away, just because he doesn’t want to talk to me every day?? so I got all mopey and sad and weird, because I thought I’d scared him off and lost him and idk. Also I was in a funk b/c my hormones are being wacky this week; I don’t really get periods per se with my IUD, but sometimes I’ll get phantom cramps and/or mood swings, etc. but this past week i’ve been spotting and cramping AND moody af, so that’s been fun. So I’d been all weird and sad and shit, and thinking he didn’t want to talk to me = he didn’t want me, and I was so paranoid and afraid because I still think this whole thing is too good to be true and I can’t trust it. I know it’s silly and far too early to be serious and it’ll never last and probably won’t end well. I know that it’s fun and easy and idealistic and won’t stand up to reality or practicality, when it eventually has to face them. So I’ve been bracing myself for that ending ever since it began. And I know three days isn’t very long, but after having a whole conversation about how we love each other, and how we love each other, it felt like an eternity. BUT THEN!!!!!!!!!

So ok, we did talk briefly on Friday, in passing. but it was a very short little conversation; the only major thing to come out of it was a further confirmation that yes, he’s serious about coming up here to see me. BUT THEN Saturday night (10/12), he got home from seeing Eric Andre perform live, and he was hanging out with his sister and drinking and generally being a goof, and he messaged me! UPDATE: It’s now sunday 10/20 and I’m still writing this. idk it’s been a lot, everything else in my life has been rough lately, idk. im not feeling as positively about this as i was before, but i’ll keep writing the update. I’ve written too much

SO! Anyway. he came home from the comedy show thing, and he was hanging out with his sister watching some Japanese reality show and drinking, and he messaged me out of the blue. Funny thing I’ve noticed is that he doesn’t generally reach out to me first and he’s not too expressive generally but whenever he’s intoxicated in some way, be it alcohol or pot or even benadryl, he gets really effusively, gushily mushy and sweet. So on this occasion he was drunk, or at least tipsy, and that means he was being extra affectionate and dumb lmao. He started out telling me about his night and then hit me with the “I wish you were heeeerrrrreeeeeeee” lol. And he said something about how one day when he graduates, we should get a place together, where we can “be non-binary and own our dreams” (the second time he’s mentioned possibly being nonbinary to me - or possibly third time, he said something in passing about being confused about gender roles, in a context that implied ‘in relation to himself.’ meanwhile I haven’t actually said anything at all to him about me being nonbinary, he just kinda assumed b/c i have a rly butch-y looking haircut rn lmao. but like.. he ain’t wrong tho 😂 so that’s a conversation that we need to actually have sometime.) He was like “it’s sorta romantic that you live up there and I live down here and we’re so far apart and we have to just kinda pine after each other basically” and i was like oh good, I’m not the only one pining lmao. But then he asked me to come with him when he moves to Japan to teach English there, sometime after he finishes his degree. Which like, I wish I could go with him, and I know that if we’re still talking at that point/especially if we actually get together, it’s gonna be hard to be that far away from him and I’m gonna miss him. But it’s just eminently not practical. I don’t have any college degree and I don’t speak a lick of Japanese, there’s no way I can teach English with him; and there aren’t many other jobs there for Americans. And he won’t be making enough to support both of us on a teacher’s salary, i know that much. So that’s where I start to get a bit disillusioned. Like I know it was just a drunk suggestion out of a desperation to not be apart anymore, and despite the fact that a drunk mouth often speaks sober thoughts, I know better than to assume that either of those offers to live together were any kind of a promise, and I have no intention to hold him to either of them. But in the moment I very much got my hopes up and I let myself get really excited and I regret that now lmao because like I knew even then that it wasn’t real. and now i’m just sorta disappointed because I’ve had to confront the fact that he’s very much a daydreamer and I, for all my delusional fantasizing, am at heart more practical than that. I don’t like to hope for things that I know can’t happen, because it’s just setting myself up for future devastation. And he just wants to hope and wish for everything, and maybe some of it will come true and maybe some of it won’t, and he just sort of seems unbothered by either outcome. For all my hopeless romanticism and my overemotional nature, I can’t bring myself to do that, to hope without expectation. I don’t know how. it’s so antithetical to my understanding of the world. And it just serves to highlight another of the many ways in which we are almost complete opposites - which isn’t a bad thing! but it can make some things harder. like handling distance, or hoping for the future, or just communication in general.

but anyway! back to drunken happiness lmao. he started saying really sappy shit like how he wants to be there for me when I’m feeling down, and he wants to have big dumb fights with me just so he can make it up to me with a big grand gesture like flowers or edible arrangements or something. and then he wrote me a drunken limerick and it was actually surprisingly good and really cute lmao. and he said he wanted to cuddle me. and then we got into a mini-fight over which one of us was cuter lmao. and he called me queen and said that he just wants to like. make me food and take care of me and stuff lol. and that he doesn’t even HAVE a type but somehow I am exactly his type? which is still fucking me up, that’s the sweetest shit i’ve ever heard. (because i know what he means, he’s dated around quite a bit with different types and genders of people and stuff because he didn’t really know how to handle his asexuality and of course the myth is that you just haven’t found the right person yet, so he just kept trying and feeling broken and then here I am, the first person he’s found to be accepting and understanding of that part of him, and still want him and care for him and be all lovey-dovey and shit with him, and he just wants me to be happy in return.) meanwhile I of course have several types, including different types for girls and guys etc, but he’s hitting all my boxes - tall, handsome in a kind of adorkable way, smart, funny, sarcastic, sweet, patient, sensitive, similar tastes in media and similar political alignments, queer. plus he’s just cute as fuck. like out of my league cute lmao but again, that’s exactly my type OTL so like I told him that, and that I just wanna like. hold him and be with him and help him be successful in whatever he wants in life. and he freaked out and was like ugh you should just come here rn i’ll hide you under my bed if i have to and i was like i wish i could :( and he was like THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH AUDREY COME HERE and i was like OK IM LEAVING ON FOOT SEE U IN 3 DAYS and it was funny. and we flung a bunch of heart emojis at each other. and then he made a passing reference to his mood swings and i kinda ended up ignoring it because i sent a message at the same time but in my head i was like boy have you even MET me, 1. the swings have always been my favorite piece of playground equipment, 2. i’ve got mood swings down to a fine art, and 3. i’m more worried about whether you can handle mine. i’m pretty sure i can take yours in stride lmao. and then there was more talk of cuddling, and HE STARTED HEART REACTING ALL MY MESSAGES and i’m just like WTF STOP IT THAT IS THE CUTEST SHIT <3333 and then he sent me a dollar by accident? and I sent him the “i love you bitch, i ain’t never gonna stop loving you bitch” vine lmao

and apparently this whole time he was still sitting around with his sister? lmao because he said she told him she approved of me after i sent that vine 😂 and she apparently likes my hair! which is good lol (reminder I need to post some pics of it on here, I posted selfies to fb but i don’t think i’ve posted on here yet). his sister is also bi lmao and seems cool in general (and also from what i’ve seen creeping her fb, she’s REALLY GORGEOUS, like it runs in the family, these fuckers should be models, it’s ridiculous really) so having her approval is v nice. like at least one member of his family approves of me! now to work on the rest 😂😂 and then he was talking about he was gonna get high also (despite being already drunk) and i was joking with him about bogarting the weed and he was like “when we live together I’ll share my weed with you” lmao but he said it with such certainty, like it was just a given. not an if, but a when. which threw me for enough of a loop. But then he started in on this fantasy scenario where like it’s late at night and we can’t sleep so he makes me sushi by hand, and we feed each other with our chopsticks (he was impressed that I already knew how to use them lmao) and we sit on the couch arm in arm watching reruns of cheers and laughing way too loudly and fall asleep in each other’s arms as the sun comes up outside but we don’t have anything to do the next day so it’s ok. and it was the sweetest most romantic shit I’ve literally ever heard in my LIFE, like it sounds like actual heaven and i was crying happy tears at this point lmao. just 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 like in that moment i felt so fucking loved i couldn’t even speak and y’all know i’m never speechless, i literally can’t fucking shut up most of the time lmao. and like at that point his phone was dying so he went to plug it in and go to bed and I did the same because it was like 2:30 in the morning but i was just giddy with affection and couldn’t sleep. 

anyway so the next day (sunday) i had a party thing to go to that was really fun but i’m socially awkward so i texted him a lot as a crutch. and then the next day (monday) he had given me “permission to bug the crap out of him” so i messaged him a lot throughout my work day because it was an unusually crappy day anyway. and the day after that (tuesday) we messaged about the democratic debates and stuff. and then i kinda tried to give him some space, because i felt like i was smothering him, and i made it all the way to friday evening before i caved in and messaged him again. like i don’t wanna bother him by messaging him every day, i know he’s busy. whenever he doesn’t actively have class, he’s got homework or he’s working (which usually means he’s driving and can’t talk). but i’m like so addicted to the affection i get from him, it’s bad. my anxiety just keeps building and getting worse if i try to avoid messaging him and I don’t make it very far before i end up giving in and messaging him for a hit of that good ol’ dopamine. so we ended up catching each other up on the events of the latter part of our week, and talking about sushi preferences. and he apparently has never had eel?? like that was probably the 2nd or 3rd thing i tried lmao 😂 but then to be fair I had a boyfriend at the time who was very interested in making sure i tried new things, and who had been stationed briefly in japan so he knew a lot about sushi and wanted to show off. anyway Letter Boy is like me, he prefers salmon by a wide margin. and we talked about how he’d tried squid and did not enjoy it, and that turned into a mini battle to see who could post the weirdest squid-themed gif lmao. and then i sent him the playlist but he still hasn’t listened to it yet I don’t think. but he also wants me to write him a poem lmao so that’s something i should start working on i guess. but idk i’m not feeling it rn but that’s not his fault. 

and then today happened and i had another incident with my mother and her narcissistic bullshit and i was feeling like shit so i reached out to my best friend to kinda get some validation that i’m not actually the narcissistic one (which felt shitty and manipulative, like if i have to ask i’m probably at least a LITTLE narcissistic. but then again if i actually was narcissistic i guess i wouldn’t even have that doubt? like i would just be certain that i wasn’t and not second-guess it because i wouldn’t care? and like making their victims believe that THEY are the narcissistic ones and the abuser isn’t, is a classic hallmark of gaslighting and narcissistic abuse? but i still felt like shit about it idk). And I also reached out to Letter Boy because while I love my best friend more than words can say, like she’s my sister-from-another-mother, Letter Boy has kind of become my comfort person. like i always used to write letters to him whenever I was going through a rough spot, as a distraction. and usually I’ll message him whenever I’m starting to feel anxious or sad, but lately it’s gotten to where I’ll start to feel anxious and sad whenever I don’t message him regularly. like i’ve said, it’s getting bad and i’m worried about it. like that’s not a good sign of a healthy relationship. and it’s nice to have some positivity in my life, especially given all the negative shit i’m constantly surrounded by. but that doesn’t mean this relationship is healthy or good for either of us. so that’s yet another thing on my list of shit that’s making me anxious lol. but anyway he tried to be supportive when i told him about what i’m dealing with in re: my mother, and encouraged me to get out, but he just seemed kinda generally lost. like he didn’t know how to deal with it. and if that’s because he’s been fortunate enough that in his life, that kind of behaviour is not something he’s experienced, then I’m happy for him. but he said some stuff about not really believing in labels, but specifically in regards to mental health issues? which like. that’s all fine and good in terms of gender and sexuality, but with mental health, that’s a medical issue. you kind of have to have names for things in that context so that you can treat them. and i get that he was kinda trying to be encouraging to me, to not let my mother make me think of myself as a narcissist, and to not feel so shitty about myself in terms of like my depression and anxiety and stuff. but it just felt like it was sort of coming from a place of very neurotypical privilege and misunderstanding, and it was sort of unintentionally invalidating. and then he brought up the idea of us living together again, once he graduates, but he said it in a slightly more realistic way which i should have been happier with but that only wound up disappointing me. he said “maybe when i graduate we can get a place...” instead of like his certainty from earlier. and i said i wish, and he said that he wishes too and we should both hope for it and maybe it’ll happen. and i’m just like... hope is a dangerous thing for my emotional health, i don’t want to hope for something that isn’t going to happen. and he basically said that i need to learn to hope without expectation, and set small goals as baby steps toward that bigger dream, and i’m just like. i don’t understand but thank you lmao. and that’s where we left off this evening. and i’ve been crying, about shit with my mom and my life in general and worrying about all this bullshit with letter boy and how like a week ago we were blissfully happy with each other and now things are feeling increasingly less certain and i have this burning feeling in the back of my mind that he’s not gonna actually show up for the Syrup Festival in 3 weeks - which again, i’ve pinned all my hopes to, it’s the light at the end of my newest tunnel. and i’m so nervous because i want to show him everything and let him get a feel for where i live (and why i feel trapped here lmao) and yet at the same time i don’t know how to handle it because i don’t think he’ll feel the same way about it as i do. and i’m still not sure he’ll even come. because despite him telling me repeatedly that he wants to come, i can’t help but feel that either something will come between us within that time, or he’ll just end up having to work, or something, and he won’t actually come. i’m so terrified he won’t want to come. I’m terrified i’m pushing him away. because this whole thing, ever since we started writing letters, has felt mostly one-sided, like i’m out here sharing everything with him and flinging my love and attention at him, and getting scraps in return, just enough to keep me coming back for more. and i don’t know if he’s stringing me along or if he’s serious. he is a bit flighty. I don’t want him to fly away. but i don’t want to hold him down, either.

i don’t know.