#this has been a issue my whole entire life and now im too self aware to not feel anxious about it lmao

[holduwheremyheartis]

.

[elasticitymudflap]

This is apparently hot take but I don't agree that Simon and Betty were bad for each other, or that their relationship was unhealthy in any way.

They had their own individual issues going on (who doesn't?) but it was nothing that couldn't be overcome. People are being way too judgemental

honestly me too... but then again my perception of them is more autism spectrum informed, so maybe im just being sensitive and stupid about it?

i also... kind of dont agree that leaving betty in the situation she is—as we currently know it to be—is all that fair to her. i see people saying things like 'they just need to get over each other/leave each other' and that simon just needs to accept things as they are now. and im like... idk man, i honestly don't think that's the tidy answer to all of this. because all of that has already happened in a way.

he's obviously exhausted every option of trying to bring her back, and much like the situation with margles, even prismo couldn't help her. from what we see in 'obsidian' and the end of 'come along with me', he obviously did try to live with the sacrifices she made for him and move on with his life. of course he would still try to save her, but i think it's pretty obvious that at some point he finally accepted that there is no way of saving her, and that this is just the way things are forever. his golb shrine/ritual items are an act of ultimate desparation; in the end he wasn't trying to summon golb to fix her or something, he was trying to portal himself to the golb dimension. i think he was completely aware that if he made it to the golb dimension that there was no hope of ever returning from there, and that doing this probably would kill him... but that would be fine with him, because at least he could see her one last time.

betty, and golbetty, could have made the choice to stay with him in ooo. either to escape golb's guts with him and endure the end of the world together, or to remain fused with golb and just let the world end with only he and her left alive... but she didn't. for all intents and purposes, she did let him go. she, and later whatever of her was left, made the choice to leave him, to banish herself from this realm and give him the opportunity to live his life. you can see it so clearly inside golb's guts that she's tormented by the situation she put them in, and that she feels extremely guilty for how her actions had led to their, and ooo's, downfall.

i know it still reinforces her cycle of self sacrificing behaviour... but to be fair, this is a much different situation than, like, conciously deciding not to go to australia to explore a new and exciting relationship. i think in that moment she realized, as she apologizes to him for "messing everything up", that there was no way of them both getting out of this alive, and that it was her descisions that ultimately doomed them to this fate. so she literally let him go, shoved him out of her life, content with him to live his however he chooses now that he's freed from the curse in a world which she didn't destroy. remember that her wish to "banish golb" wouldn't have saved her, she would have been digested in the golb dimension had she been successful.

i'd even go so far as to say that maybe betty's wish came in clutch even earlier than episode 8; if she can actually control golb and portals to the golb dimension, there's no way she would have granted him passage, as it would basically be suicide. so maybe that flash of golb's face during the initial ritual was her using her influence to redirect the spell to open the portal to the universe in his head? she doesn't want to see him because of what "seeing her" means, she doesn't want him to kill himself for her, and i think that's pretty fucking reasonable. now, however, it's the only way to save him, so she has finally, begrudgingly, granted him passage.

i have no idea how this whole thing is going to wrap up, but in the end i dont entirely agree with the sentiment that they need to 'let each other go', because they already did that to an extent. i think they need to talk to each other, work their existing issues out, and see where things unfold from there. but again, im probably just being sensitive and stupid about it.

[tidbit-fanfic]

okay so I’m severely confused about Sebastian’s contract with Marvel right now…

I was aware that basically he has a set number of movies to go through before he is released. And although I love him tons, this caused a lot of questions raised about Bucky as a character, aka is Bucky going to die, retire, etc.

The last I knew he had three movies on his contract, not counting his cameo in Wakanda Forever.

So how does that work with What If?…

If each season equals one movie, then technically season 3 is it for Seb’s contract, or does it not count?

I mean I have no doubt that Seb will stay with Bucky for as long as he can, seeing as how the character is his literally baby and has been a huge part of his career, but the panic that we could end up with Bucky dying in Thunderbolts is real.

SO I offer alternatives to killing Bucky off:

1. Get him and Alpine and have him retire.

So I am aware of Seb’s cat allergy, but I’m pretty sure he can still be around dogs…get an all white Husky, name it Alpine and boom. Not only will that prevent an allergy attack, but it also kinda plays on the ‘white wolf’ term, and I find it hilarious. Bonus points if Bucky meets Alpine through Sam, making Alpine a military service dog, who is trained to help Buck through his PTSD attacks, as well with simple daily things he could struggle with. As for retiring…I really don’t see Bucky ever truly retiring, but it would be nice to see him take a step back and possibly train the next generation of SHEILD agents maybe? I don’t really know, but Bucky definitely gives the whole ‘Im gonna work until I die’ vibes. Maybe even work as a mechanic or some sort of labor job? I think it would be a waste of the assassin skills to not have him train the next gen, but I’ll take what I can get.

Actually, that’s the only idea I have, but I do have notes about what NOT to do.

Don’t have him and Sharon end up together. (Please don’t.)

Don’t send him back in time. (I feel like this is self explanatory)

Don’t kill him please.

As for the Sharon thing because I do believe I need to explain:

Even though they’ve had zero on-screen tension, I could see Marvel Studios pulling that relationship out of their ass. And that’s just. No.

I really don’t see Bucky as a character who could easily fall into a relationship and have kids. With all of his trauma and issues, I just cannot see him ending up in a long-term relationship, especially with someone like Sharon. It’s just too close to essentially being a Steve prt.2 And him ending up with Sarah also seems to be a bit out there.

Bucky just doesn’t seem like the type to settle down, and if he does, it’s probably not going to be on-screen, and definitely not with someone who’s life is entirely put together. (I’m a sucker for the we can fix each other type relationships)

I mean, this man could also return to Wakanda and I dunno, figure something out.

THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK…imma crawl back under a rock now.

[eremiie]

aot 139 rant bc i dont think ppl r understanding this chapter lmao

i’ve been seeing a lot of people hate on this chapter and call it a bad ending and everything so i’m here to break it down for the ones who aren’t understanding what’s going on and think it was a shit ending LMFAO

okay so first i think the issue is that a lot of people fail to realize that the way eren acted all throughout season 4 isn’t eren really, that is him putting his emotions at bay so that he can complete something that he laid out for himself for his friends.

eren from season 1-3 still exists, and that’s lowkey the eren that was talking the whole time in chapter 139— you can see the how he cares for his friends, you can see the desperation again, the compassion, everything in between.

so lets break down these panels;

panels 1-13 consists of the whole talk with armin. eren basically tells armin that everything that happened wasn’t by will, it was laid out for him, it was the path he needed to take in order to free his friends and free ymir.

think about this— this was destined for eren from the beginning. 

his plan wasn’t to have the rumbling destroy the whole earth, it wasn’t for any of his friends to die (he wasn’t even aware that some of them died), it wasn’t for anything besides for them to defeat him so that they can be free.

he sent a titan out to eat his mom because bertholdt dying would’ve fucked up the plan, he would strategically send memories down to his younger self, armin getting the colossal titan, eren telling mikasa he hated her, everything was according to plan— it was a part of the script that he needed to follow.

panels 14-16 consist of eren talking about mikasa. eren basically tells armin he doesn’t want her to move on form him, and he wants to live a long life with his friends and her. and that he doesn’t want to die.

people say this is out of character for eren— people don’t think that he has ever had feelings for mikasa, and it’s hard to see, i’ll give you that.

but people also fail to realize that relating back to panels 1-13, eren had something set out for him to do, the last thing he was thinking about was love. of course as a kid mikasa came off as overbearing, and she was, he had other things to worry about other things to accomplish— there was no time to reciprocate feelings. 

that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her, because he does, and i don’t even mean so in a romantic OR platonic way. the gist is he loves her period, and her love is reciprocated in the best way he can.

and you have to remember that eren knows he’s about to die when his time with armin is up, he’s getting frantic and desperate— everything's dawning on him, he gets a little time to actually sit down think and talk about mikasa.

eren loves mikasa whether it be platonically or romantically, and that kind of hits him in that moment, and this is coming from someone who hasn’t always shipped eremika.

panels 17-21 consists of eren basically saying to atone for his “sins” it’a only right for him to die too and that armin will be the one to save humanity.

pretty self explanatory, but once again this was planned out, eren was gonna paint the eldians to be the heros, and eren did his whole mass murder plan for their sake, not his.

panels 22-39 eren completes his mission, the curse of ymir is broken, and im sure that at somewhat the same time that he was talking to armin through paths he was sending the same message of what he was doing to everyone else— since all eldians are connected through paths. that’s how they all found out and that’s why they all resonated with eren. it needed to be let know that he isn’t a bad guy, especially with real people running around thinking he is LMAO

panels 39 and onward, everyone moves on, they’ll live out their lives with the freedom that eren granted them.

this is mikasa’s character development, she’s finally able to move on and live her life without eren. she’s allowed to mourn, she’s allowed to be sad, hell— they’re about to have eren’s funeral, that’s one reason she’s there. 

i say this is her character development because the first time eren died she was ready to die herself, but now that eren has actually died she’s not trying to go out with him— she’s mourning, and she misses him, but she’s trying her best to live her life with the freedom eren granted her.

she grows out her hair again that she always kept short for eren. to me that says a lot albeit how minor that detail is.

i’m not gonna say eren necessarily got reincarnated as a bird but i’ll say that these birds we see in attack on titan represent eren, and that’s why the bird tugs on her scarf, it’s like eren letting her know that he’s still with all of them and that he’s happy that they’re happy.

it’s tragic, that our main character who sought freedom the whole entire time doesn’t get to experience it himself, but it shows how sacrifices have to be made, that shonens don’t always have to be about winning. that there are tragic heroes, and everyone has a story to tell.

attack on titan teaches you lessons, it gives you an insight on life— and if you let this ending ruin the whole series for you because you fail to grasp the whole concept, every character, and every plot element, that is on you.

so thank you, isayama for creating and sharing such a beautiful story, because this series will live in my heart forever, and so will eren— he’s such a complex well written character and it’s sad to see that not everyone can understand him.

anyways ty for listening to my rant if you made it all the way through, gn <3.

[cdroloisms]

Dream tried to stop Wil from creating L'Manburg, Phil tried to stop him from blowing it up, BOTH value people over items and builds, Phil has said that they're replaceable but people aren't, Dream traded spirit for his best friends fishes (we kno he's not someone to talk abt feelings:[) BOTH were kind and selfless but used by almost if not everyone, BOTH were ready to be THE VILLAINS if it meant everyone else could live better after. ONE of them always had someone there, ONE didn't. Intentional?

aaaa sorry for the really inconsistent posts ,, im gonna try to post a little more in the next few days. i have a few things written up, so look out for them? maybe? for now, have this *gestures vaguely* thing ,, it’s kinda a mess but *shrug*

phil is such a fun character, anon, especially for all the reasons that you mentioned in the ask!! he’s a really fun character with a lot of complexities that go (sadly) overlooked by a large portion of the fandom, but he’s super cool even tho i havent analyzed him too much. hope you enjoy (and i hope my interpretation of c!phil isnt too ooc lmao) 

tw: mentioned blood, injury, implied torture/abuse, starvation, trauma, mentioned death, prison arc/pandora’s vault

When Techno first brings Dream back from the prison, Phil doesn’t quite know what to think.

“I don’t trust him either,” Techno assures him, but there’s a flickering anger in the backs of his eyes, one that had emerged ever since he came back from the prison with the other man in his arms, and Phil knows his friend well enough to know that the words are empty in the face of the piglin hybrid’s particular brand of to-the-death loyalty. He shakes his head in reply, refusing to voice his thoughts for Techno’s sake, at least, but the look that the other slants at him suggests that he’s caught onto them all the same.

At first, the work is thankfully mindless; even if Phil has reservations on the man that Techno has more or less dumped into his house, he would hardly wish the clear suffering he’s been through on anyone. The first few days pass in a flurry of brewing potions, wrapping and rewrapping dressings, stitching up cuts and setting broken bones straight. The damage is extensive; Phil has to take more than a few breaks to just leave the house and breathe - he’s far from a stranger to blood and carnage, had received the title of ‘Angel of Death’ for a reason, but even he had never been particularly familiar with this form of cruelty. Torture was a level of violence that extended beyond what even he was willing to bestow - his hands may have caused many deaths, and the weight of each one would continue to haunt him for the rest of his life, but even those had the mercy of being a quick end. The wounds and scars that ripple over Dream’s skin, thin and stretched tightly over his bones with little muscle and fat left to cushion them, speak of horrors that were anything but merciful.

“I didn’t know they were capable of all of this,” Techno says, once, as they huddle of Dream, wringing towels in cold water to wipe his feverish skin. Techno’s hand reaches for the ribboning gold-filled scars that remain from the execution - carefully, Phil raises his hand to let his fingertips brush over them as well. “I mean, I knew he was dangerous and all, but-”

“I know, mate,” Phil looks back at Dream’s face, tight even in unconsciousness, at the darkened, hand-shaped bruises that remain around his throat, at the scar that runs over his left eye, clearly meant to mirror the same one that makes its way down the duck hybrid’s own face. “You said that Quackity and Sam were working together?”

“Yeah,” Techno’s expression darkens, eyes focused somewhere on the wall, seemingly very far away. He said that nothing happened to him in the prison, and he seemed relatively unharmed when Phil activated the stasis chamber, but ever since he came back, sometimes he’ll have moments, and Phil can’t help but - wonder. “Quackity does the dirty work, Sam gives him the way in and out, probably also the tools to do it. It’s-” he huffs a short, self-recriminating laugh. “It’s bad, Phil.”

“Mate-”

Techno shoots him a look, and Phil cringes, knowing already that he’d used the wrong tone. Even with the execution, Techno had been adamant to hide all traces of his own terror and fear away from him, masking it all with fury for Phil’s own sake. He knows, just from the way his old friend looks at the ribboning scars that remain sometimes, that he is far from as over the whole ordeal as he acts, but Techno never wants to talk and Phil never knows the right time to ask and they smooth it all behind plans and explosions and hope that the TNT can blow apart the trauma, too. He’s got a sneaking suspicion that the same thing is going to happen, here.

“As soon as we can,” Techno starts again, pointedly shifting his eyes away from Phil’s face, “we’re calling a Syndicate meeting to figure out what we’re going to do about the prison. Like- come on, man, you couldn’t make a more transparent abuse of institutional power if you tried, really-” he looks over, uncharacteristic uncertainty warring over his features. “If you think that’s good, I mean-“

“Of course, mate.” Phil’s voice softens. “Whenever you’re ready.”

‘Whenever he’s ready,’ as it turns out, is easier said than done, becoming even more evident when their charge wakes up from his days long spell of unconsciousness. The worst of his injuries have, under their careful care and the benefit of many potions, healed enough to no longer directly threaten his life, but the vast majority have quite some time to go before being healed completely. Being as the goal was torture and not death, most of his injuries weren’t made to be life-threatening, but rather to cause as much pain as possible - from the grimace that twists Dream’s face when he struggles to force himself awake, they’re doing their jobs.

“Hey, mate, slow down,” Phil murmurs, pressing the man down by his shoulder when Dream weakly tries to push himself up and off the bed, and his struggling only lasts for a few more minutes before he gives up and slumps against his pillow, eyes cracking open and seeming surprisingly lucid.

“Where-“ his voice is wrecked, and Phil reaches for the glass of water at the bedside as Dream coughs. “Where am I?”

“You’re at Techno’s house,” Dream’s eyes widen and then slip closed as he processes the information, a wrinkle forming between his eyebrows as they knit together. “We broke you out, after Techno escaped with a stasis chamber with your book. Do you remember?”

Dream gnaws on his bottom lip. “Um- yeah. I think.” His head turns as his eyes crack open again- “Techno-“

“He’s out, right now. He’ll be back in a bit.”

“Oh.” Dream falls back into the bed, strength seemingly sapped from the short conversation. His breathing stutters, then steadies. “Okay.”

Recovery is slow. Phil doesn’t actually find himself seeing the man very often; now that he doesn’t need around-the-clock care anymore, he’s moved back into his own house, letting Techno do most of the work when it comes to rehabilitating the escaped convict crashing at his house. As he begins to spend more of his time awake and aware, he brings a whole slew of new problems; Phil catches him screaming one day, blurting harsh, angry words as Techno reads, unbothered from the other side of the room, and he stops in his tracks standing awkwardly in the doorway.

“Um-“ he winces when Dream curses, smashes something against the floor, and then curls into himself at the sound. Techno doesn’t even flinch. “Am I interrupting something?”

Dream stomps away, face flushed, arms wrapped around himself. Techno raises an eyebrow.

“You lookin’ for something, Phil?” he asks, and the unpleasant knot in Phil’s chest refuses to unwind.

The episodes, unfortunately, don’t seem to get much better. Though he’s rarely outright violent, Dream looks constantly murderous, usually muttering underneath his breath about something or another while he stalks the grounds of Techno’s house. It’s not too long before Techno sends him out to work around the house instead of just moping within the cottage, which also means that Phil sees him a lot more - tending to a small farm behind the house, feeding the dogs, hacking away at mobs, and usually complaining the entire time. It’s unnerving, even as injured and unarmored as the man is, to see him walking around like this; despite his rather pathetic appearance, swamped in sweaters that dwarf him thoroughly and thin enough to look like the slightest breeze will knock him over, his eyes are flinty and intelligent and bubble with promises of revenge.

“FUCK!” Phil turns to see him slamming a shovel into the snow, stomping away into the woods, and his hands tighten around his cup of tea. Next to him, Techno shrugs.

“Nerd’s got a few issues,” he drawls, and Phil laughs shortly.

“That seems like an understatement.”

“He’ll ease up in time,” Techno sounds surprisingly confident, completely content despite the muffled curses that come from the woods next to them. He’s probably used to it, with Chat and all, but Phil can’t quite seem to find the same calm.

“I just don’t know, mate,” Phil shakes his head. “You sure having him around is the best idea? He doesn’t seem...stable.”

Techno looks up at him over the rim of his cup of coffee. His head tilts, considering, but there’s a small smile on his face that tells Phil that Techno, inexplicably, doesn’t share the same sentiments. There was always a part of him that was, for the lack of a better word, softer than the rest of the server for his self-proclaimed rival, a sort of understanding that Phil could hardly hope (nor would really want to) understand.

“Don’t worry, Phil, if he tries anything I can always just tie him up in the attic or something,” Phil huffs a small laugh, amused, and nods to concede the point. “And- well, call it intuition. You could really try talkin’ to him, you know. He reminds me of you, sometimes.”

The words stick in his head despite his best efforts, rattling in his skull when he tries to sleep, lingering when he catches glimpses of the green-clothed man stalking around their properties. He can’t imagine what would’ve prompted his old friend to make the comparison, can’t think of a single thing (besides their affinity for the color green) that would mark him as similar to the - from what he’s heard - deranged menace with a particular penchant for destruction (not that his rants and fits of anger are doing anything to correct that impression). Even so, Techno had sounded so sure when he’d made the comparison, the words offhand like he’d thought them a million times before, like it was a simple observation that held no more weight than commenting on the color of the sky. Phil watches as Dream lugs a pile of logs behind him, huffing at one of Techno’s dogs that comes to chase and nip at his feet and grumbling loudly before faceplanting into the snow. He just...can’t see it.

Days later, Wilbur comes to visit, a grin on his lips as he dramatically recounts his newest exploit: a nation by Las Nevadas, a supposed safe haven away from the glitter and glory of Quackity’s city; it sounds brilliant, it sounds lovely, and more than anything it sounds stupid, and Phil tells him as such immediately.

“You’re being reckless,” he rants at his son, wings flaring outwards and only barely noticing Dream watching from the corner of his eye, “What are you doing- picking fights with Quackity? Starting another nation- didn’t you see what happened to the first two you made? You’re going to get yourself killed, Wil!”

“Well, I’ve already seen what’s on the other side of death, and it’s really not that bad-“

“You’re my son!” The words are angrier than Phil would’ve liked, and he knows that he looks ridiculous and overbearing, criticizing the actions of his fully grown son, but all he can see is Wilbur’s face, slack with pain and grief, stained with ash and soot as his eyes flutter to half-mast in the midst of the rubble of a country he loved and destroyed and destroyed him in turn. “I can’t lose you again, Wil!”

Wilbur doesn’t quite storm out, but it’s a near thing, leaving with a clipped goodbye and leaving Phil seething on his doorstep. He spends the rest of the night pacing around the house in a sort of mad frenzy, wings stretching and folding over and over. Not for the first time, he longs for the sky, to feel the air through his wings and let the world fall into pinpricks below him; it’s this that leads him to the roof of his house, staring stubbornly at the clouds as the sun sinks down to the horizon.

“Hey.”

Phil startles; there, down below him, is Dream. He rocks back on his heels, seeming awkward, before clambering up the wall (Phil rolls his eyes at the ease with which he scales it, the feeling in his chest almost fond) and settling himself on the shingles at Phil’s side.

“Hey, mate,” Phil shakes his head. The fondness leaves, and the irritation that had risen at Wilbur’s words, earlier, comes back full-force. “Sorry- Wil came to visit, we talked. I just needed some time to think.”

Dream hums in acknowledgement, and they fall into a comfortable silence, watching as the sun dipping down past the mountains in the distance.

“You know,” Dream starts, sudden, “I told him the same thing.” He looks up at Phil, eyes faraway with old memories. “Wilbur, I mean. When he made L’manburg- I told him he was being reckless.” He shrugs. “I guess he never listened.”

Phil pauses, Techno’s words ringing in his ears. He reminds me of you, sometimes.

Dream looks surprisingly normal up close - face no longer reddened with fever or pale from blood loss, even the scars fail to really take from the boyishness of his face. He bites his lips, eyes falling away at Phil’s scrutiny, golden blond hair flopping over his forehead, newly trimmed to be something a little closer to his old length, at least in the front, the back pulled into a small ponytail. He’s young, and shockingly awkward, teeth worrying his lip, hands fiddling with each other, shifting his weight from one foot to the other several times a minute. He looks like a kid.

“He never does,” Phil lets himself smile, watches as Dream smiles back, almost like they’re sharing a joke. He wonders how well he really knows the man behind the mask. “Want to come in for some tea?”

Dream smiles wider, and something old and worn in Phils chest, knocked loose ever since he felt his son fall limp in his arms with his own sword shoved between his ribs, falls back into place.

“That would be great,” Dream replies, the words almost hopeful, and they go inside.

[hella1975]

any laurel hell songs that remind you of taob? 123go :)

oh godddddddddd okay okay okay

stay soft - this feels like a general zuko song just because of 'you stay soft, get eaten. only natural to harden up' but also someone on tiktok commented that the polar vibe of the sad lyrics vs the happy beat made it feel like 'having a breakdown at a party' and that really struck something in me?? like that very specific vibe of being in an happy place where you want to be but just feeling yourself fall apart inside and NO ONE even realises, and it actually reminds me a lot of the zuko alone chapters? like he's back home he's in the place he's aimed for this entire time but he's so unhappy and he's detached from it

everyone - SOKKA SONG?!?!?!?!?! like just the kind of smartass vibe to the first few lyrics but quickly going to 'and i opened my arms wide to the dark, i said; "take it all, whatever you want". i didn't know that i was young. i didn't know what it would take' LIKE WHAT???? his insistence of giving everyone every part of himself because he just holds himself to such a high standard, has to be the one to protect and provide and sacrifice, and the way it's not worded 'i was young; i didn't know what it would take' as in he was naive and shouldn't have blindly trusted the world not to take so much, but instead 'i didn't know i was young' as in he hasn't even realised how much he's suffered yet. LIKE? this boy has been severed so completely from his youth and innocence that it just doesn't get addressed. he doesn't realise that him being a child still is an issue, because he's been at war his whole life just as much as he's been a child his whole life, so what should it matter? and then 'i didn't know what it would take' how he just offers everything and doesn't know what to do when the world takes and takes and leaves him with nothing. this isn't very taob but i just have so many feelings about him and this song :(

the only heartbreaker - lowkey??? zuko and azula??? one caring to the point all he does is make mistakes, and in turn desperately hoping she'll mess up too because at least it means she cares enough to crack just a little bit. this will get expanded on...

there's nothing left for you - this VERY vividly makes me think of hakoda looking at zuko in the immediate moments after he killed fong. like every time i listen to this song i can't picture anything else but them all in the library, and it's chaotic and there are guards at the door and people are arguing, but hakoda catches zuko's eyes and is just so aware that there's nothing here for him now. he did what he came for. he needs to go his own way before he ever comes back. and also his awareness of the injustice of it 'you could touch fire, you could fly, it was your right, it was your life'. he knows that fong deserved it. he knows it was zuko's right to take this life. yeah

i guess - hello my favourite song of the new album ur so sexy u look so good for me to play as i spiral <3 honestly just the 'it's been you and me since before i was me. without you, i don't yet know quite how to live' makes me so mental and could apply to quite a few parts of taob. hakoda, kanut and bato. tomkin and nanook. zuko and azula. but because i have no self-preservation im gonna say zi se and lanse and run before you guys kill me. 'from here i can say thank you'

[all-hail-the-witcher]

hot take but i don't ship geraskier in canon/ canon era (at least netflix canon cause that's what i know) and ill tell you why:

-geralt pretty obviously has a lot of self hatred going on and is pretty emotionally constipated. clearly he cares about jaskier to an extent (the elves, the djinn, etc) but i find it hard to believe that he would be able to love someone else like a s/o when he doesn't love himself and sees himself as pretty unworthy of that

-jaskier is the continents version of a fuckboy. he specifically talks about the countess de stael, but its obvious that he's fucked At Least a few people’s wives, daughters, and even some nobility (see ep 4), probably while he's been traveling with geralt (remember, there's a lot of their travels that we don't see). would jaskier really sacrifice this habit that he seems to enjoy for a witcher (especially when he seems to have a penchant for screwing rich people/ nobility and geralt is neither of those)

-jaskier likes the finer things in life (joey has said so himself) (also probably why he likes to fuck rich people) and is a generally well known bard (he plays at pavetta’s betrothal banquet for fucks sake). he's also a viscount (so he claims) and obviously cares about his image. so i find it hard to believe that he would date a witcher because while jaskier is trying to repair geralts reputation, witchers are still pretty unliked and it would probably not be good for his reputation if people found out he and geralt were more than just friends

-jaskiers clothes suggest that they don't see each other very often. now yes jaskier does like nice clothes and stuff but if you were traveling for most of every year with a witcher i would expect that your clothes would get at least a little dirty (sleeping on the ground, monster guts, etc) and jaskiers clothes never appear to be so. furthermore, he never once carries a pack or a saddle bag (gerald, by comparison, always has a bunch of saddle bags, a bed roll, his swords, etc) for the entire show, just his lute. yes Technically he could be keeping them on roach but geralts pretty protective of his horse and probably wouldn't allow it (see ep 2). this leads me to believe that geralt and jaskier probably stumble across each others paths once every few years or so, jaskier tags along for maybe one hunt (or maybe just waits for geralt at some inn), gets some inspiration for a new song, and they part ways. because if he's a traveling bard he obviously has to carry food and clothes and shit (which he's never seen doing) so its likely that all of his excursions with geralt are day trips and they don't see each other very often. 

-geralt isn't fond of humans, especially after blaviken and clearly tries to stay away from them as much as possible. he also probably thinks himself to be a monster (having people scream that at you will do that) and generally only speaks to humans when necessary. granted, jaskier isn't your average human. but geralt probably is still leery of him (esp if they don't see each other that often) so why would he date him (especially if he probably thinks he's going to hurt him)

-geralt isn't one for commitments. all of his partners are prostitutes, or yennefer (but they're only tied together by destiny, not by their own free will but that's a whole other post). he’s aware that 1. long term partners are not the life for a witcher and 2. he'd outlive them anyway. he's quite literally married to his work

-as i stated up top, geralt has Issues and hates himself. even if he were in love with jaskier he'd be 1. too dumb to realize it or 2. ignore it because there's no way jaskier would want him. but more importantly since he hates himself and believes that witchers cannot be happy, he would not explore his sexuality. he probably wouldn't even know he was attracted to men and if he did he'd blame it on his mutations or something ridiculous. he hates himself too much to be comfortable with who he is. 

-jaskier is infatuated with whoever is in front of him at the time. sometimes that's geralt, but most of the time its not geralt. he's very instant satisfaction and would not want to wait around for decades for an emotionally constipated witcher when he could have his pick of (married) women and nobles and whoever else. 

-jaskier? kinda? uses? geralt? its implied in the show that jaskier kinda becomes famous because of his songs about geralt (toss a coin mainly) and clearly uses him for inspiration. the scene in ep 4 when they're in the tavern and geralts covered in guts especially shows this. jaskier calls him “witcher” not geralt, and says “it’s time to repay your debt” as in geralt is somehow indebted to jaskier because jaskier chose to sing about him and make him “famous” when geralt really didn't ask for that at all (see ep 2). jaskier then says “i should be taking 10% of all your coin” as if he doesn't know that witchers often get stiffed out of payment. and then he refers to himself as geralts “very best friend in the whole wide world” which clearly, isn't true. and geralt knows that because  he says “im not your friend” not you're not my friend or we’re not friends, no, im not your friend. he knows he's being used. and he lets jaskier do it cause what else is he gonna do? its a business transaction to him. and also the whole jaskier wishing on the djinn thing like, really? geralt wanted to nap. and probably some other stuff too and jaskier Knew This cause they had just Talked About It and then he took the wishes from him. without asking. so why on earth would they be dating??? 

anyway in my opinion geraskier only works in modern era cause otherwise there's just too much weird canon shit mucking it up. they're close friends in canon and that's that.

[zontiky]

okay so i tried to save this ask as a draft and it got deleted because tumblr is just such a functional website like that <3 but the prompt was “the hargreeves as ghosts in the apocalypse with five” or something like that i’m going to scream

this is SUPER long so i’m putting it under the cut hfkjsd

pre-five: the hargreeves siblings are dead. wait i feel a drabble coming on ooh

The Hargreeves siblings are dead.

Ben isn’t very aware of this at first. He’s been dead since 2006 -- he’s quite used to it, by now. What he is aware of, first, is light. Blinding white light. And Vanya, in the middle of it. He doesn’t close his eyes because he can’t feel pain, but if he could he thinks she would have made him blind. There’s light, and heat, and power, and then he closes his eyes anyway because the ceiling is collapsing around him and it’s instinctual.

When he opens them again he sees ash. Ash -- and Klaus.

He’s gotten used to Klaus, too. Klaus has a memorable sort of face; even if he didn’t, Ben has seen it every single day for almost twenty years. He doesn’t know if it’s actually been twenty years, for him. He doesn’t know how time moves for ghosts. Klaus has assured him it moves the same as it does for the living. Ben isn’t sure Klaus, stoned out of his mind, bleeding sluggishly from his arm, knew what he was talking about.

Anyway.

Klaus.

He’s wearing the coat he’s been flaunting around for the past week. His shirt is see-through, with little stars on it, like a pale imitation of the sky. Ben remembers his pants had laces on them, he’s sure they did not a minute ago, before the brightness that threatened to wipe out his very soul -- his soul is all he has left, really. His gaze drifts down anyway, to check.

Yes. Klaus’ pants have laces up the sides.

“No,” Ben says. Klaus is laying in a heap on the ground, his fingers curled like his tendons have been cut.

His lips feel numb because they always feel numb. Because Ben can’t feel at all. He takes a step. “No,” he says again, louder, surer. “No!”

Klaus looks up at him. His makeup is smudged, like it tends to be. His lips are bitten raw, like they tend to be. His hair is a mess, like it tends to be, and like it will be, always, because Klaus isn’t breathing.

Klaus is lying in a heap on the ground. Klaus is standing above his own body. Klaus is reaching for Ben like he’s hoping to touch him for the first time in years. Just when Klaus’ cold, dead, fingers brush his face, a voice from behind says, so quietly, dripping with disbelief: “Ben?”

Ben shuts his eyes and wishes desperately he could cry.

He feels a hand on his shoulder, for the first time in so, so long, but he also doesn’t feel it at all. He feels-but-doesn’t-feel someone turn him around, until they are saying, “Ben? Ben!” and he has no choice but to open his eyes and face the music.

Diego is gripping his shoulders like he is a dying man and Ben is the answer. Behind him, Luther and Allison watch them, stunned silent. Allison’s hands are pressed to her mouth. She looks like she wants to cry. 

And Vanya. Little Vanya, painted white. Her head is hung as her shoulders shake with the weight of the destruction she has so inevitably caused. (Ben would say he always knew she was destined for great things -- but he can’t, because he didn’t.) (Nobody ever said great things had to be good.)

The Hargreeves siblings are dead. Their bodies are strewn across what is left of their childhood home, smouldering and burning, and Ben is very aware of that fact.

righto anyway. so they have an emotional reunion but its also kind of bitter? id have to actually write this for it to make sense so lets skip it for now lol

five shows up

he cannot see them obviously bc theyre all ghosts

god if i did write this it would be such a monster of a fic and would take me like 2 years to finish i already know fhkjdsk

somehow ?? they manage to influence the world around them maybe? idk maybe now that klaus is dead hes sober

or maybe hes high for all eternity?

for the purposes of this au lets say he died sober or in the late stages of withdrawal, and bc ghosts cant feel pain in action hes sober

so EVENTUALLY they figure out how to corporealize bc klaus is like blam wham ghost powers

asdlfk that sounds so stupid im sorry

he would say that tho imho,,, it sounds like something hed say,,,

if i DID write this it would be alternating povs also,,,

ok so out of all of them klaus and ben have the most experience homeless

and while being stuck in an apocalypse is not at all the same thing as being homeless it does help to have some knowledge

five doesnt eat the twinkie!! good for him

dammit okay. theres 2 options we can take here. in the comics five couldnt get back bc he fucked up his math and spent 15 years doing the wrong thing, but if u apply that here, with 6 other ppl checking his work this could be avoided and they end up skipping the whole assassin shtick and just hopping straight back to 2019, ready to prevent the apocalypse

OR five still gets hired for the commission but the sibs are tagging along

i think bc five isnt completely alone in this au unfortunately dolores doesnt exist :((

for each other the 2 paths tho theres also options?? bc they (ghosts) can go back in time and inhabit their past selves bodies? OR they could just,,, cease to exist

IM JUST NOW REALIZING HOW MANY PATHS THIS COULD TAKE,, AAH FUCK

okay gonna split this into parts. this is gonna be so long brace yourselves.

1) they go back in time because math checking and the ghosts swap out for their past selves

after multiple years of being stuck in an apocalypse together i think they would learn to get along with each other. like at least a little bit

which would make it easier for them to prevent the apocalypse

bc theyd:

trust each other more

already know abt the apocalypse and not have to wait for five to grace them all with his knowledge

are working as a team from the very beginning

have open lines of communication

yeah uh. so there

vanya is also already aware of her powers so the whole harold goading her into turning against her family and snapping to wipe out all life on earth thing? yeah that doesnt happen

oh and harold wouldn’t know how to do that in the first place because klaus wouldn’t throw out reggie’s journal! this solves so many problems wtf

there’s still commission issues bc they (and by they i mean five) are on the commission’s radar

so there’s still dope fight scenes sdlkfd pinky promise

okay idk. they stop the apocalypse and everything is okay the end hfkjd

2) they fix the math but only five can go back and the ghosts cease to exist

this is just sad! it would be sad okay! im sad! lets move on

subset of the past one: ben CAN go back with five because he was already dead and time travel affects them differently or something idk

aaaaaa

five & ben dynamic duo would be dope as shit BUT five would not be able to see him... so they use klaus as a middleman fjsdsfd

is there 2 bens? is one ben deleted in favor of the time-traveling ben? i dont know! i dont know my brain is melting

either way shit is happening yall!! obviously klaus is clued in, directly or indirectly it doesnt matter but he is on board the ‘don’t let the entire world end in flames’ train

3) they join the commission and then when five goes back in time they all go back

this is fun because now five is a highly trained assassin who is also lowkey a complete marshmallow for his siblings and once again TEAMWORK WOO

basically the first path but now five has a gun fhsdjk

4) they join the commission but five has to leave them behind and they cease to exist

five with a gun but hes sad now

i didnt go into how much losing his siblings would suck in the prev path but like. it would suck so much. he’s already lost them once if you think about it when he time traveled the first time and yeah he found the adult ghost versions but,, its different

and now suddenly hes stuck with these strange adult versions of the people he knows and he KNOWS them but also he doesnt? at all? they dont have all the years of shared experiences together? and theyre all grown up from the first ‘set’ of siblings he had which for five was like 40+ years ago??

SCREAMS

i have losing my mind disease (self-diagnosed)

subset: five has to leave them behind but they still exist because the commission is out-of-time kind of? idk but they’re still floating around somewhere and come back to impact the plot later or something

yeah idk. literally just wrote them down bc i didnt want them to die^2 hfkjwehd

subset: they still exist but instead of being just Somewhere they’re specifically at the assassination of JFK onwards because thats where five left them and they either go on ghosting and make an appearance in s2 OR they cease because them-wise they havent died yet but that doesnt make sense because ghosts can time travel so nevermind

i dont have the brain energy left to explore this one aaaa

okay jesus christ i think that’s all

I DON’T KNOW. i don’t know. i might write some more of this because honestly it is a very fine flavor of angst + hurt/comfort <3

[studentville-struggles]

A Double Life

Chapter 3

A self-indulgent Daniel Ricciardo fic.

Summary: Returning to old passions results in the start of chaos and living a double life. We say we hate chaos, but the thrill is unlike anything else.

Words: 1,575 (short im sorry - its a filler really)

Masterlist / Part 1/ Part 2

The reception to your hot lap was incredible. The reception to season one of your show was even wilder. You couldn’t quite believe that people actually wanted to watch you live your life. It was a weird life, you’d give them that, but you wanted to drive, and you also didn’t want to let your supervisors down, so this life was the one you would live. You were lucky enough, and you knew there was a lot of luck (and money) involved, to have the most supportive driving teams, drivers’ academy and university. If even one of them decided it wasn’t worth it, or that it was too much hassle, all of your dreams would come crashing down around you.  

People pleasing was very much the name of the game.  

Your following on social media also increased significantly – which you expected considering there’s more TV coverage for F2 than F3, but this seemed more than normal for an F2 driver. People wanting immediate update on what was going on in your life, wanting to follow on from what was seen on the show.  

In an attempt to keep driving life from your uni life, you had been posting more and more on your ‘drivers instagram’ which you had started when you got the opportunity to go testing. What had started as a space for you to spam your ‘omg im back in a racing suit yay’ posts, soon became full of official team and racing pictures and slowly but surely has become your main professional ‘driver Rachel’ instagram. It also meant that you neglected your old account and so many of your friends didn’t technically follow you anymore. Not helpful in them knowing what you were up to.

You had rarely tweeted (you didn’t know what to tweet about and honestly it felt weird) but you had gained tens of thousands of followers almost overnight. Your friends thought it was hilarious. Lewis was right there to help you freak out about and learn to ignore the negativity such a platform brings in. A surprising amount of people had an issue with you coming back to racing and not having been driving for your entire life.

Life at home was as busy as normal, you were in the routine of 5am starts and 16hour days but you honestly couldn’t wait for the race weekends – the small respite that it allowed. For most drivers, race weekends meant early mornings and an intense schedule. For you it was relief. You considered the 7am wakeup calls a glorious lie-in, and if you were truly honest, you were almost bored in the evenings with nothing to do. Although you had taken to writing papers and collating notes in the emptier evenings.  

You were growing into a real adult you thought. You might only be 22 but you could hold your own in a corporate setting. You’d done enough presentations to your research group, as well as at the occasional conference to deal with hard, complicated and irrelevant questions. A skill Lewis often claimed he wished he’d learned earlier in his career. The two of you were different than other drivers. He was the first black driver in formula one and you had hopes of being the first female driver in formula one for years. My god and if you could score points, you’d be the first women to do so in over 40 years. If you even made it into formula one.  

You’d been approached by a couple of people about testing or going for ‘a chat’. Not all of them followed up with you, and you had a feeling it would be purely miraculous if you even got to test an F1 car. Maybe if you could jump up to third in the standings, you’d be within a shot. After all there had been three rookie drivers only a year ago.  

You were currently sat in fourth place in the F2 standings. Frustrating with how close you had been to improving that score even further in a few races, but still incredibly strong for a rookie year. The rookie luck seemed to be following you everywhere, not that you minded. Some people claimed it was purely ‘beginners' luck’ and that you would crash and burn soon enough, others had a far more favourable explanation. You were lucky enough to have people supporting your racing and a fair few of them, who had seen your show, were adamant that your dedication to a strict and somewhat extreme lifestyle, was the reason for your success. You read these uplifting comments, shunning the trolls, saying that you committed to both a stressful academic course and a stressful motorsport career, you arguably worked harder than half the drivers on the grid. You agreed that you worked hard and were perpetually stressed about your to do list, but you could never say you worked harder than other drivers. You merely worked at different times, weirder times.  

As the season progressed you reaped the rewards of your hard work, with the odd experience bringing you back to reality. A few race wins combined with a DNF brought you into 3rd place as the season end drew near.

You were feeling great, fighting fit and looking to finish the season on a high. Abu Dhabi was new tracks for you so you wanted to make your penultimate race in Sochi count as much as possible, not wanting the unfamiliarity of Abu Dhabi to throw you off. You’d sat with the team management and your engineers, done the math and you knew what you needed to do to maintain your third place standings. You calculated whether a second place finish was possible, which although unlikely, it was doable with some outstanding results.

By now your camera crew were your biggest cheerleaders trackside, beside your parents of course, perhaps a side effect of the amount of time spent together. Upon discovering a second place finish was technically possible, had lost the majority of their decorum and were hyping you up no end about it. Secretly you loved it, though it also added to the pressure you felt.

People often thought you were exaggerating how close you were to your team, but you honestly loved them all. You spent every day with them, from walking into university with them, to travelling to test days and Grand Prix's with them.  

The off-weeks before the end of season, had been planned with an abundance of lab time and note taking, allowing for the final weeks of the season to be nearly fully focused on racing. Well as close as was possible for you to allow full focus on racing. As you were far too aware of now, plans are rarely stuck to, and you found yourself on a mid week road trip from university to Woking. You’d had a series of calls and were subsequently invited down for discussion surrounding a drivers spot with McLaren. Apparently Carlos’ contract was up and he had accepted an external offer.

Excitement would never be the right word, but it was as close as you could convey.

Lando Norris was everything you expected him to be and more. McLaren had the whole teammate situation under control and the ‘perks’ of working for them were more than your entire life had been previously working towards. Your manager okayed the contract and your formula 2 team were stoked to see you progress once more. Your presence in motorsport was sudden and it was making waves.

---

The announcement of your confirmed contract with McLaren for the next season came as you were busy getting dolled up for the end of season gala. All the drivers, from both F1 and F2, would get together at the end of the season to go all out, have fun and hopefully repair a few friendships the competitiveness may have ruined within the season. It was also one of the first opportunities to get black out drunk for a while. So there was that too.

With both the F1 and F2 seasons ending at the same time, it was handy for you to say goodbye to your team mate for the year, as well as the rest of the drivers you’d been competing against. It wasn’t that you wouldn’t see them again, you just wouldn’t be seeing them so constantly next year. The gala also gave you the opportunity to spend some time with your new team mate, Lando Norris, and suss out some of the other drivers.  

Lewis had obviously been teasing you about seeing Ricciardo again, having successfully avoided him since your hot lap. Though he did randomly follow you on instagram a couple weeks back. Weird. You weren’t sure what to make of him now. He had always come across well in the media, perfectly charming and unfairly attractive; a fact you didn’t dare say out loud. However, when you had met him that day, he’d seemed almost arrogant and well, you didn’t stay to find out what else.  

You felt a little guilty. He had made assumptions about you based on his experiences at races, and you had in turn made assumptions about him. Should you have tried to get to know him better? He did compliment your drive in the end. Perhaps the gala was an opportunity to set things straight; he can see you as a driver and you can see what he is really like.  

[rhydium]

Info dumbo about the StarFinite story?

aright u asked for it anon GET READY [cracks knuckles] this is gonna be long so obligatory cut in 3, 2........

...1!

so the uh, the au! the story!! w/e yall wanna call it! full disclaimer, i only began working on this whole thing a while ago, but it's totally taken over my fukn brain. like, we're talking big hyperfixation hrs. am i cringe for being this invested in my own content? yes? cool i do not Care >:3€

i should also throw it out there real quick that i am kin w/ infinite, n this is actually one of my two canons (both of which are my own aus lmfao wow). i didn't go into it expecting it to be but sfsfsgdfs here we are ig!! for that reason it's got extra importance to me n this definitely contributes to the euphoria i get from it!! it's a lil odd writing ur own canon,,? but i kinda just go w/ the flow!

the au n, the story that i will start Eventually, revolves around infinite n starline (obvi) n it's honestly just ... the tl;dr is big healing momence n, what's this? uh oh sisters !!! they are falling in love 😳😳😳

uhhhh so infinite is an android, made by eggman. that's like, the most notable canon divergence here! super important context to have. i've got a whole big theory on the possibility of sega originally intending infinite to be an artificial being (which i explored in the works for my Other canon too), stemming from not only the scene in forces wherein infinite comments on sonic's "data", but a line of dialogue from tails in one of the last stages of the game where he Literally Says "so this is where eggman built infinite". that ... i mean. that contrasts w/ episode shadow pretty hard don't it?? would explain why that dlc was so rushed, n the comic too. ANYWAY adsfsfs um that's a seperate ramblepost. yeah!!!

they are also agender n use they/them (primarily) as well as he/him!! so i'll be refering to them w/ those pronouns!

after the war, infinite is taken in by the resistance n, instead of being dismantled, they're basically given a chance to rehabilitate themselves. it's agreed that they won't be reprogrammed, as despite the potential risks, it feels wrong to do so; like a violation of their free will, individuality n thinking. if infinite is to be a good person, it's not gonna be bc other ppl recreated their entire personality, it's gonna be bc it's what they themselves truly want. robot ethics idk man!! u can't tell me that sonic n co wouldn't offer this to infinite if they offered it to metal in IDW,,,, i am Standing By This!!!

it's, yknow, a bit rocky, at first. infinite has to really fight the urge to return to eggman (something they already tried once, before the resistance found them; they were cast out). it's a struggle against what they were built to do, against giving into unhealthy familiarity over facing a, while healthier, unfamiliarity. new faces, a new life, turning their back on their mission n creator, it's like, a lot.

they work for/with the sonic crew, rebuilding the world they tore down as deemed fitting justice, being closely monitored for a bit as a natural precaution. as it becomes apparent infinite truly no longer has any ambition to harm others (they don't have much ambition for anything, really), they're then granted more freedom, n start taking on more important missions!! it at least gives them something to do, keeps them occupied. they have issues with dissociation, unreality, whether they're truly a real person bc, well, android. feeling purposeless, n a lack of worth, especially. a need to prove themselves. heavy stuff. i'll kinda go into that a bit more in a sec. their work grounds them, if only temporarily.

n soooooo... IDW comic stuff happens. metal virus time. starline gets kicked out of the empire.

now, as the comics are ongoing, n as this is already an au, there's gonna be divergence, n i must admit i haven't planned out all that yet. there's a lot i have to consider!! infinite being w the resistance/restoration is a big game changer ... tho i Do believe that they were absent, likely on a far out mission during most of the chaos. eggman doesn't know abt them, nor does starline or anyone else other than the sonic crew; n some civilians that recognise them.

i'm not 100% sure of Exactly when it happens, but i think it's just after bad guys, that infinite is sent to locate n bring in starline. it doesn't prove too difficult. there's a whole, starline realising "oh fuck it's you???", some bickering n, the two don't hit it off right away. they're both kinda like. not mentally stable ddgddgdds,,,

so uh. starline ends up essentially going thru the same sorta shit as infinite. careful watch, rebuilding, all that jazz, making sure he can be trusted. he's like... very very lost, quite like infinite is. the world has kinda calmed down, in the meanwhile.

it's at this point i'm gonna go ahead n drop a bit of a ramble i subjected my friends to a while ago, to articulate the way i see the two, n their dynamic together!! i was considering making this it's own post a while ago!

analysing their characters a bit... let's look at starline. Like. so we have this, in bad guys, which SENT ME tbfh;

i feel like it's the moment that triggers starline onto the path he is rn canonically,,, he's clearly like. rly mad n bitter. the core of this?? he wants his work n his efforts to be acknowledged.

he's big angry. still kind of in denial at this stage. he has himself obsessed w/ the idea of making eggman see him as Worthy, that if he just tries hard enough, that'll happen. he's dependent on eggman's validation, n i mean, it's no surprise; he's followed him a Long Time by the sounds of it.

then in the recent issue, hold the fuck up, bc we got, This;

god. my god it's all comin together now homies. this???? this right here??? it is the CLASSIC "i have to do this to prove i'm strong n powerful n smart n worthy n should be respected please Give Me Acknowledgement" ..... n who else is Like That? can u see where im going w/ this?

i think most ppl are aware of infinite's character being extremely indicative of self worth/esteem issues n the need to prove themself, right?? the extreme adversity, repulsion, perhaps even fear toward the idea of being weak. the compulsion to prove otherwise, to show their strength, to become powerful, to conquer to make a point. their theme exudes this same energy as their behaviour in-game; an aggressive attitude, trying to assert themself, while if u rly listen...? the lyrics are actually really sad in places. it reeks of cover up, although composition wise, a v interesting thing to note is a lot of the more telling lyrics are prominent while some of the affirming ones are in the background. indicative of a desire to have their true feelings be heard but caught in a vicious loop?

okay okay that's yet Another different analysis. AHEM.

not to get deep on main (oh who the hell am i kidding that's the point of this entire thing) but i think starline has issues w/ his worth in a similar way to infinite. they both seem to have this need to Prove something, whether it's to others or themselves, n get caught in a toxic spiral of doing worse n worse things for Some kind of validation or acknowledgement. they'll go to really big lengths chasing that, n both of them ultimately sought validation in the wrong place n wrong way.

this is a big part of my starfinite dynamic,, n so, what happens, as they get closer n open up??? we have them BOTH realising together that they don't have to do fuck all to prove anything to anyone. they don't need to do all this to show they're strong n smart n worth something, not to anyone else OR themselves. they're enough as they are. they bond over that shared feeling that they have to do xyz, to prove themselves, n that desire to just finally be acknowledged n appreciated n help each other thru it. to help each other understand that other ppls approval, or lack thereof, doesn't define them, their strength, intelligence, and worthiness.

i feel like they have an interesting parallel between them in like... the above could be taken as a general analysis, but to go more in depth on this au specifically?? ...

starline followed eggman for presumably a long time n it no doubt left him feeling a heavy and deep regret for all that time wasted n spent on an unhealthy path. infinite kinda teaches him that what matters is what he's doing Now n also reminds him that if none of it happened, starline wouldn't have learnt a lot of the serious skills he has. n while starline still feels bad, he also realises himself that, he likely never would have crossed infinite's path if none of it happened. for that reason, he wouldn't take it back.

infinite has only been recently made, on the other hand. they haven't really existed long, yet, but so far their experiences haven't been very positive n it can be .... discouraging. starline sorta, shows infinite their limited experiences w/ the world are a very tiny fraction of what's out there, n things can absolutely change, yes, including for the better; that's the essence of life, a neverending, constant flow of change.

it's a big tale of moving on n letting go, honestly; made easier as they're doing it together. n as they heal n grow, well... these bitches gay. sfshshdgds like, ig that's putting it p bluntly but!! they start to trust each other, understand each other more. as they get to truly know who the other is, they both start developing The Feelings. they're both pretty oblivious n the reveal is totally unknown so far!! yeah, i know, bummer. i suck. boo. adafsfsds however i can say there will be lots of content in the making!! if that soothes the soul! i've got of ideas i hope to bring to life.

ofc there's still a lot of more specific things i haven't covered here so! if y'all want more juice hmu w/ more focused questions but !! this is the overview n i hope it was a decent read now that gave some uhhh! Cool Insight! yea!!! ✌

[mollydollyjournals]

Monday 25th January; 156lbs

I didn't check my body composition today. I just stepped on the scales and left my phone in my bedroom, which means it doesn't send info to the app. So I know that I weigh a little less than the other day, but still way too much.

Toilet tmi again. Im still really constipated and it's actually just fucking painful. The biggest issue is it's not that I haven't been eating. I always try to eat reasonably high fiber (compared to my caloric intake anyway - 8-9g fiber a day isn't much for a normal 2000kcal diet, but it is for 800kcal) and if I need more then I have some particularly high fiber stuff like pulses. Fruit and veg is a good way to go. It's been 3-4 days now so I actually have been eating a bit more to try to make it happen, including higher fiber, but still nothing. I took some stimulant lax last night and still nothing. Had yogurt and coffee and still nothing.

I have this pain in my abdomen too. I suspected some internal bleeding last week or the week before so I'm sure something is up. Just I don't know what I should do about it. I don't want to go back to the doctor and ask them to investigate something else again. I think after my liver scan and blood tests came up fine they'll think I'm lying or exaggerating. I just don't know what's wrong with me. Is it an impaction? Do I have something constructing my intestines? An ulcer? I have really bad acid reflux too. It's like my digestive system is too full and it's just not emptying. My waist feels huge. It makes me actually scared to eat for physical reasons, because if it's not stimulating my gut to move like it should be, then all I'm doing is putting more pressure on my insides.

I'm currently drinking some osmotic lax, which is all I can do. It's what you're supposed to do for impaction. I bought it specifically because I've had these problems before and you're not meant to take stimulant lax, and sometimes it'll resolve itself but it can still be painful and also it'll take longer. Osmotic lax doesn't work fast though - you have to give it a few days. During those few days I'm just reabsorbing waste matter from my intestines. Its disgusting and unhealthy. And when it finally does work, I might have the opposite problem. In the past I've been reluctant to take lax for this because I've had instances where it acted kind of like...a plug. That once it's passed, everything else goes way too fast after it. Sorry that's gross. I guess if anyone wanted more motivation to eat properly it's so your digestive system doesn't get fucked up like this. I noticed a lot of mucus not long ago so maybe the regular mucus layer got stripped and hasn't replenished. Idk.

Other than that there is family drama happening with my brother who is currently in a psych ward and my stupid mother who thinks the sun shines directly out of his anus. My entire life she's treated him like her precious baby and I've just been secondary. Maybe because she associated him with my older brother who died. Who fucking knows. But they're stressing me the fuck out and pissing me off. I keep telling her what to do and what not to do, which I get from trying to properly research his conditions and others similar and from having dealt with her when she was in a psychotic episode, and she just doesn't. She thinks if she just talks nice and loves him enough he'll get better. As if that isn't the whole reason he's a spoiled piece of shit who thought he could take all the drugs with no consequences. This probably sounds very hypocritical from an alcoholic who has trouble not drinking even after physical health problems, but there's much more to it in my brother's case that I cba to go into.

The worst part is she gives him all the attention and understanding that I want and haven't had. I've spent the last few days feeling especially lonely and invisible. I've been talking about it a bit on social media and only a couple of friends responded. Hb came up to my room and saw me crying and basically acted like an awkward dad. Bf hasn't acknowledged much of what I've posted and we still haven't spoken directly. If not for those few friends I might have done something drastic. I don't know. I need to know if I'm actually liked loved and cared for. Missed at all. Lockdown has fucked with it so much and I already had trouble with it. I feel like I need to do something big to get attention. I could just be honest about my feeling like I want to kill myself and see who responds. But I've spoken about it before and people just kind of 'haha same' if that. I don't know if they realise that I'm genuinely close to doing something, or just don't care.

I do have borderline personality disorder and I'm so aware of the stigma. I don't want to be manipulative or abusive. I want people to want to be around me, not because I forced them. I'm so scared of being needy or annoying or overbearing or anything like that. And then if I do say something, I'm already feeling really bad and struggling a lot, so for it to be ignored hurts so much. That's why I end up drinking. I already have trouble seeing my friends post about their struggles and get so much support and love offered, when I get barely any. One of my best friends also has BPD but also everyone loves her. She has a successful small business doing what she loves, if I go anywhere with her strangers stop her and compliment her or ask to take her photo but pretend I don't exist or give me a passing smile. It's not that I don't think she deserves those things or love and support. It's just that I want it too. She's one of the few people who's reached out to me recently and I really appreciate it. I guess she knows how it feels. I just wish I wasn't so jealous.

So for my brother to start saying stuff in the family group chat and my mum to just start fawning over him and all that? Just the extra salt I really didn't need in my wounds. For one thing, I told her not to play into how he is because he'll feed off the drama. I know this because of who he is, that he really is an attention seeker, and that all 3 of us have a tendency to get caught up in things. My brother and I inherit our cluster B personality traits from her. I told her not to get into it and remain impartial. She didn't. I even messaged her and my dad separately and told them that I called the hospital and asked them to check on my brother, but she hasn't given me so much as a thank you.

She's up early for work and I sleep on Mars time, so my dad is still asleep. He'll probably say something when he gets up in a few hours. It all feels backwards. He was so abusive to me growing up. He was unnecessarily strict and horrible to me all the time and kicked me out and disowned me regularly. He tore down my entire sense of self and called me stupid and made sure I realised that if I wasn't doing well it was my own fault and I wasn't trying hard enough. But now he keeps a level head and we reconnected after years of not talking because my brother and mum both had a psychotic episode at the same time a few years ago. I hated him so much but now his approval and support is worth the most. But it's the same problem again - he seems to genuinely realise now that his overly authoritarian parenting was wrong. It's just how it is in a lot of African cultures, and his father was especially abusive, so he wasn't well equipped. He's doing things differently with my younger half brother. But why couldn't it have been me? Why didn't I get to have a nice dad who acknowledges his humanity? My half brother deserves it, but why couldn't I have that while I was growing up too?

It just makes me feel really abandoned. In every situation, there's always someone else who gets what I want, and I don't. I hate my brother so much. I feel like it'd be better if he was dead. But then my mum would spiral, and I'm not really that cold, so I phoned the hospital to talk to them and get them to check on him. Phone calls make me so nervous. I was shaking. Before the call, while I made the call, and for a long time afterwards. I didn't even get acknowledged.

I want a drink.

[fairycosmos]

Hi C, I'm in a really dark place rn esp bc of quarantine, so I'm probably not gonna make it these next few months sadly, sorry to lay this on you, but I just wanted to say this before. I relate alot to you about many of the personal/emotional things you talk about in your asks and your blog brings me comfort when I decide to come on here. I'm shy so sometimes I reblog the stuff you reblog from the source haha. I hope you learn to feel truly happy and that you never get to my point. Love , V x

hey, this seriously breaks my heart to read 😞 i’m not stupid enough to believe that anything i say will be enough to absolve you of the weight you’re carrying. clearly you’re dealing with a lot of pain and mental exhaustion, maybe to an extent i cant even imagine. so i know words from a stranger aren’t any kind of solution. but i have to try any way because i care about what happens to you, and i want you to know that you’re not in this all on your own. maybe i could be a mediating presence. maybe all that matters is having some time to pause. to give yourself another perspective to consider so it’s not just your mind trying to convince you that it’s all so black and white. cause it’s not, i promise. you can be 100% certain, in this moment, that these next few months will be rough/ impossible to survive - and still make it through them anyway. a sense of impending doom is not always accurate, nor is any ‘helplessness’ you see in yourself. and when you have depression, most of the time those perceptions are wildly inaccurate. it’s coming from the same place as all of the other toxic thinking processes: the self hatred, the shame, the anxiety. it’s not a reliable or factually concrete basis to act on. look, everything i talk about in my asks, i believe whole heartedly to be true for you, too. i dont say these things lightly at all. especially when i bring up how mental illness distorts your reality and your ability to make an accurate judgement of your future, and even more so when i talk about all the different types of treatment that are out there and that really do work given the time and effort. even if they’re not immediately available to you right now, just simply surviving through each day will eventually get you to a point where you can begin confronting your issues and growing beyond them. just as people do with physical ailments, the same is possible for mental ones. you can cry, you can want to give up, you can be numb and hurt and not know what to do next. as long as you make it to the next moment. if you need a little help to be able to do that, then that’s fine. most people do. there are many hotlines still open, online communities offering support, mental health professionals working from home that you can contact. even if you have to force yourself to. if you’re already seeing someone, you can call them any time and let them know you’re struggling. then maybe you can set up a plan together, to enable you to manage the heavy thoughts/emotions when they flare up instead of being overwhelmed by them. if not, you could call a friend or loved one if that’s an option just so you have someone to vent to. i’m sure they’d rather you do that than hurt yourself. a lot of ppl are feeling the strain of this isolation, but that doesn’t mean we can’t stay connected in other ways. it doesn’t mean we’re beyond help. it’s okay, whatever you need, it’s okay. i know it seems like bull shit, and i know it doesn’t feel worth it right now. i completely understand, i’ve absolutely been there too. but i would hate to see you permanently harm yourself, or worse, over an episode (that has been significantly worsened by quarantine) that can be worked through. you cant trust your mind right now, or the urges you’re having. i dont want to give you all the cliches about how there’s so much waiting for you, about how suicide is an extreme solution to a temporary problem. i get that they’re annoying. but part of me does believe all of those old sayings, at least a little bit. you can recognize that you’re in a dark place right now, and that it’s being exacerbated by current circumstances, and thats a really good sign. it means some part of you know there’s more beyond that, that improvement is both possible and in some ways, inevitable. whatever ‘point’ you think you’re at, you’re not. you’re not a lost cause. you didn’t survive everything so far, for nothing. so please, please don’t get lost in the notion that killing yourself is a guaranteed act, because it’s not. it’s easy to believe that when you’re spiraling, but spirals always come to an end, through self awareness or natural progression or medical attention. listen, you’re here and you’re trying and that is quite literally the entire point. you’re worth so much, and so is your life. i couldn’t be more proud of you, and i want you to stick around so that someday you’ll see it for yourself. i’m really glad i was able to bring you some comfort. it makes me want to cry that you sent this and that you’re thinking of me. so know i’m thinking of you too. that so many people care for your presence even if you dont know it. please reconsider, please try to regroup and look at your options. if you want to talk, dont hesitate at all to message me. i know you said you’re shy, but so am i! and i can relate a lot to what you’re saying. i’ll be here. take it one day at a time love, and if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even a minute at a time. the rest doesn’t exist yet. im sending you so much love, and my dms are always open. get some sleep, eat well, find something you enjoy that allows you to breathe, - a view from a window, a tv show, a memory, laying in bed. not a cure,  i know, just a small reason. and then for now, keep going. whatever that looks like for you. i believe in you so much x

[missmentelle]

This might sound very silly but I just don't know how to be more proactive. I've been very passive all this years until this point where I feel like I can't anymore. I wish I could be more hardworking for the things I want but I get all overwhelmed and don't even know how other people have the energy or the motivation. People think Im just lazy. I don't have almost any skills let alone any that I can monetize, I feel like Im going to be a looser forever.

I think this is a problem that a lot of people - especially younger people - are struggling with right now. We want to achieve great things, and we feel like we should be achieving great things, but many of us are so paralyzed by doubt/anxiety/apathy/uncertainty that we have a hard time mustering up the motivation to run basic errands, let alone chase our dreams. I’ve certainly spent more than my fair share of time beating myself up for the countless days that I’ve fucked around on Reddit all day instead of actually achieving anything, even when I was fully aware that I was sabotaging my own dreams and goals by doing so. I just couldn’t always muster up the ability to care about the things I needed to be doing, even if there were dire consequences for not doing them. The good news is, there are definitely ways to overcome this issue, and reach a point where you are happier with your progress and your life. To get started, I recommend:

Decide what it is you actually want. Telling yourself to “be more proactive”, “work harder” or “have a better life�� is not helpful if you don’t actually have specific goals that you’re working towards. It is very, very easy to find ways to be “busy” for 8 hours per day - but being busy doesn’t necessarily mean progress. Take some time, and think about some rough goals that you’d like to actually work towards. Don’t worry about how much work or effort it would be to achieve those goals, just start thinking about what you want in life, and what’s the most important to you. Think about the kind of life that you would like to have someday, and start figuring out the steps you need to take in order to get yourself from your current life to the life that you envision. It’s okay if those things are very far apart - the point is not for you to get overwhelmed, but for you to have something to be proactive about. 

Start slowly. You cannot go from “spending 8 hours per day mindlessly browsing the internet amidst a pile of old take-out containers” to “running 5 miles every morning before making art for 8 hours in a spotless apartment with a fridge full of vegetables” overnight. Trying to change your routine too drastically and too quickly will lead to you burning out in a couple of days and going right back to your old ways, with an added dose of self-hatred because you tried and failed. Trying to be more productive and more functional is a process, and a long one at that. It’s not at all unusual or abnormal to take several years of work before you get your life to where you want it to be. Start slow. Start with incredibly tiny changes, and slowly build up those changes over time. If you currently live on a diet of fast food and candy, and you want to be a shredded, clean-eating fitness guru, you can’t rush into that all at once. Start by swapping out full-sugar pop for diet pop for the first month, and trying to drink more water. That’s it. Don’t make any other changes. Then the second month, switch out diet pop for flavored water. And so on. Change only sticks when it’s gradual. 

Focus on one thing at a time. Again, trying to do too much, too soon is a recipe for fast burnout and self-hatred. Start by trying to change one area of your life, and one area of your life alone. Once you feel like you have a pretty solid handle on that part of your life and you have established some new habits, then you can add on a second area of focus. Spend some time, and really think about which area of your life is the most important for you to change, and which area of focus will improve your life the most. If it helps, envision your problems as rocks that you are carrying around in a backpack with you at all times. What’s the heaviest rock in your backpack? If you are overweight, unhappily single, making no progress building your YouTube channel and failing out of college, then your college grades are probably the thing causing you the most stress in your life, and they’re your most urgent concern - focus on that, and give yourself permission to let the rest of it sit on the back burner until you have boosted your GPA. Only then will you be ready to start changing something else. 

Go easy on yourself. I think one of the pitfalls that many young people face these days is that they absolutely crush themselves with unrealistic expectations of what they “should” be doing with their lives; it’s hard to get up the motivation to do anything when you’ve convinced yourself that the bare minimum for success is an impossible ideal. I have friends with master’s degrees who still consider themselves failures that haven’t done anything in life. Remember that you are not a machine. Even at your most successful and high-functional, you will not be perfect and productive 100% of the time. You will still have lazy days where you don’t get much done. You will still occasionally order takeout instead of making a home-cooked meal. You will still occasionally procrastinate. Don’t set yourself up for failure by comparing yourself to an unattainable ideal - just aim to be a slightly better version of what you are right now. 

Get used to tracking, even without making changes. It’s hard to set goals for improvement if you don’t have a solid idea of what you’re actually doing right now. Telling yourself things like “stop being so lazy and do more things” is setting yourself up for a spiral of self-loathing if you don’t actually track what you’re doing, because you won’t be able to see the small, gradual progress that you’re making. Being able to actually see yourself taking baby steps toward your goal is important for keeping you motivated, and keeping you from beating yourself up. Don’t track absolutely everything in your life - that becomes obsessive after a while - but keep an eye on some of the major things that you might want to change in the future. Install apps on your phone and laptop that track how much time you spend doing what. Set up the step tracker on your phone. If you want to eat better in the future, start tracking roughly what you eat now. I’m a pretty avid bullet journaler, I track a lot of my daily habits. Keeping track of the things you do, even if you’re not proud of them, and even before you start to work on them, gives you a baseline to work with, so you can establish how bad the problem is and see when you’re heading in the right direction. 

Forget the obsession with monetizing. A lot of us have gotten this idea in our heads that we need to find ways to monetize everything that we’re even remotely good at, or doing that thing is somehow a waste of our time. I don’t want to generalize about millennials and gen z too much, but I do feel like our generation was raised on the belief that “doing what you love” is the most important thing in life; I personally have many friends that are obsessed with monetizing, to the point that they no longer do anything unless they can find some way to funnel it into advancing their blogger/influencer/creator career. I think this is a mistake. When you monetize something that you love doing, you turn it from a hobby into a job, with all the stress that comes with that, and I think it’s important for everyone to have at least one thing in their life that they do just for the joy of it. It’s okay to let work be work, and play just be play. And I say this as a person who has monetized one of my hobbies; I love true crime and forensic psychology, and I co-host a true crime podcast that has recently had a huge surge of popularity and is on the cusp of being monetized. I could write an entire post about the mental health side of being a creator with a public online presence, but in a nutshell, turning my podcast from a hobby into a business has required me to take it a lot more seriously, and it now falls more into the category of “work” than it does “fun”. My enjoyment of life requires that some of my other hobbies - like playing music - just stay un-monetized hobbies. Let yourself create and do things that don’t have economic value. 

Don’t compare yourself to what you see on social media. I have had both personal friends and followers on this blog tell me that they feel bad about themselves because their life doesn’t measure up to what they see on Instagram, or because they feel that their own lives would not be worthy of posting online. This is a toxic mindset to get into. The things you see on social media are not reality, no matter how much they appear to be - people put incredible amounts of effort into carefully cultivating an online persona that makes them look more productive and accomplished than they actually are. I have a brother who who is a somewhat successful Instagram “influencer”, alongside his more successful girlfriend, and I could write an entire post about the lengths they go to to fake having perfect lives on Instagram, and the toll that their Insta careers are having on their mental health. If you are looking to be a more productive version of yourself, it’s best to steer clear of “motivation” from people who are paid to pretend to be successful online. 

Set measurable, achievable goals. Goals like “be healthier” and “do more stuff” won’t get you anywhere - they are so vague that it’s not possible to tell when you’ve actually achieved them, or how much progress you’ve made. If you want to be more productive and feel like you’re getting more done, you need to set goals that can actually be worked towards and checked off when they are done. Instead of “go to the gym more”, aim for “go to the gym 5 days per week” as your end goal, and start with a solid couple of months with “go to the gym at least once per week”, and slowly increase from there. If you’re aiming for something big like “have an awesome job”, break that down into medium-sized goals like “finish an undergrad degree”, and then break that goal down even further into “hand in all my assignments on time this semester”, and break that down further into “write the first 10 pages of my paper by the end of the week”. Set tiny goals for yourself that you can easily achieve, and that will gradually accumulate into big accomplishments. 

Remember that slow progress is better than no progress. If you write one sentence per day, it is going to take you a really long time to write a novel. It will take you a whole lot less time, however, than if you get overwhelmed at the thought of writing a novel and never write at all. Sometimes you need to break goals down into steps so small that they also seem not worth doing. It can feel a little silly to congratulate yourself for things like “brushed my teeth today” and “texted someone back today”, but those are little habits that add up into bigger things, and giving yourself that positive reinforcement is important. “Greatness” and “success” are not things you achieve all at once, they are made up of tiny habits that you’ve been working on for months or years at a time. 

Take care of your mental health. Not feeling the motivation to do anything, even things that you enjoy, can be a symptom of depression. Everyone beats themselves up from time to time for not being more productive, but if your brain is constantly on a feedback loop of “I’m human garbage and I’m wasting my life”, that’s a pretty serious problem, and a solid sign that it’s time to seek out some professional help. Trying to make major life improvements without addressing underlying mental health concerns is kind of like trying to drive a car without wheels - you’re just not going to get anywhere until you’ve dealt with the obvious problem. 

Remember that setbacks are okay. Even the most highly proactive and high-functioning people have days where they say “fuck it” and order takeout to eat in front of the TV. Everyone occasionally misses deadlines or leaves things to the last minute when they shouldn’t. Everyone shows up late occasionally. These things happen - we are humans, and none of us are perfect. The key to long-term proactivity and productivity, though, is not to let those small setbacks define you, and not to throw away all the progress you’ve made over a bad day or a bad week. Eating healthy six days per week will put you in a much better position than deciding “fuck it, I blew it” after one bad meal and returning to eating unhealthy meals 7 days per week. As the saying goes, don’t let perfect be the enemy of good - in other words, perfection is not attainable, and getting hung up on being perfect will prevent you from achieving many things that are good. The idea is not to be perfect; it’s just to keep striving to be a slightly better version of yourself. 

Best of luck to you!

[sanguinarius-archive]

im not that familiar with treatsforbeats i watched like. a few videos but other than that i know nothing! but i would be glad to hear you info dump!

there is SO MUCH..... im gonna put a read more below because this turned out to be way longer than i expected. but you asked for me to infodump so here goes

okay so. treatsforbeasts, i dont know what the whole meaning behind the channel is. i cant specifically say what the goal of the channel’s content is because its all in my interpretation. but i do know that there are meanings behind each video as silly as it may seem and im just gonna list them off here (note that not all videos will be included since i may not be able to interpret every one, also this is going from earliest to most recent)

1. men with small hands carry very little treats to give to little girls with the sharpest little teethinterpretation of this video is csa/child sex trafficking. “little treats” refers to pills or some form of drug (small, makes u trip). however the “sharpest little teeth” could represent the little girl fighting back.

2. mom ordered ants for my birthdaychild abuse. mother forces son to watch and/or possibly engage in inappropriate activity with her husband.

3. i love jesusobviously a dark parody of christianity/catholicism. shows how blindly some fanatical christians/catholics will follow their beliefs, to the point where they no longer truly “follow” it as theyve warped the message to fit their own morbid desires (using christianity/the bible to excuse hatred and judgment upon others).

4. i me you love godanother dark parody of christianity/catholicism. i believe it mocks how fanatical christians/catholics focus only on the negative aspects of the bible instead of learning the true messages, as many of the words used are from the bible and are negative words.

5. behdsPROBABLY just a silly video but, i think it represents how people let negativity embed itself into their lives and complain about it even though it’s so easy to just let go of it.

6. jaffreymocking some sitcoms for how dumb and repetitive they can be.

7. kiss papa’s mustachepossibly child abuse, again.

8. storytimereferences/implies child abuse. storytime is also the name of one of treatsforbeasts’ songs on his Sanguinarius - Sin Nomine album.

9. hymns for him (1 + 2)just total parody albums of christian rock. vocals make you feel like youre dying but its actually kinda good to listen to in some parts

10. i screaming inside my headRoii (the character)’s first appearance. also probably symbolizes how depressing some kinds of music are

11. felines have nine livesnot sure but i feel like this is a warrior cats reference, in complete and total honesty (dont watch it if you dont like c/at d/eath though, its fictional but. yeah)

12. beastsreflection of society as a whole

then there’s. the two short films and sin nomine. so i’m gonna delve into that now and be warned, it’s fuckin long

treatsforbeasts is the self-titled short film and the first longest video on the treatsforbeasts channel. basically what i get from this is that treatsforbeasts, the channel itself, symbolizes an actual channel that chauncy (the child character in the short film, who is portrayed as a literal oral fleshlight with a body) watches. he consumes these concepts, such as internalizing misogyny (claw-paw skit), toxic masculinity (can i like balloons skit) and being exposed to a normalization of christianity (heaven and hell skit). there’s also a skit in which a spider binge eats and then proceeds to throw it up, which chauncy actually mimicks when his father brings him food.his father very much disapproves of these messages being shown on tv. he tells chauncy in regards to the claw-paw skit, when chauncy belittles the female character, “that’s not very nice, now is it”, and says “you can like ballons, you can love balloons if you want to”. his father goes on long tangents about how many institutions have normalized and inherited the concepts of christianity, and that it is one of the contributing factors of violence in the world. he references colonization, the holocaust, and in general mentions minorities.we learn that the father actually ended up being a father to chauncy in the first place due to (nsfw tw) masturbating in a sock to a picture of robert smith, and 9 months later chauncy was born. so technically there is no mother. the father talks about the meaning of life, and how everyone on the inside is a little bit of a freak, but there’s only two real ways you can accept that: 1) realize that your freakishness gives you a special lense through with you see the world and aid it in the ways the sane and happy ones probably cant, and 2) realize that real way number 1 is just lying to itself and that youre still a somewhat integral part of the lives of those you care for so deeply. he says that choosing which way to live really reverts back to the meaning of life, that you cannot live day by day believing there’s no reason to. “but whatever reason you give yourself to live, [...] you do it, because it is correct to live.”

sin nomine comes after the first short film, but i’ll delve into that after because really it touches on many many of the points and interpretations here.

the second short film, the beast is dead, was released just this year on valentines day! i think the main focus of the short film ranges from relationships to just once again a mockery of christianity/catholicism. once again it starts off with a father and his son. there is no mother figure present though she’s said to have left, due to the father watching too much “birdies”, a show, which i think is a metaphor for porn addiction. the father is implied to being prone to neglecting the son’s wants and not really caring for him, being disappointed in him, etc. etc..something important about the beast is dead is that it uses masks to portray those who are “followers” and those who are not. the father, interestingly enough, does not wear a mask. he seems to acknowledge what his son is saying when he goes on philosophical rants as well, but disregards them as nonsense and ends up leaving after bonking him with the stupid spike (metaphor for how parents will shut their children up by giving them a phone or toy to play with).the three other characters who don’t use masks in the beast is dead are Roii, Tom, and Doctor Zoughth (pronounced Zoth). Roii makes a comeback, finally! but this time he’s singing a song called “i love the sound of screaming babies”. it symbolizes how men will impregnate women and then run off, whether or not because they fantasize about pregnant women. it could also be a want of seeing a hurt child (hence the line “i know that all of you watching must think i’m insane, for loving when something so innocent is in so much pain”).however another interesting factor is that, the characters who don’t have masks, aside from Tom and the father, have red eyes at some point. this is a metaphor for how they’ve lost their humanity. Roii, at some point in the music video scene, only has one red eye whereas his other is normal. this hints at how part of him has lost his humanity while the other is still in tact.the other character that has red eyes is Dr Zoughth, but instead of him having only one red eye, both his eyes are red. this doesnt show until later though when he’s taken Tom away from the masked characters (followers). Dr Zoughth is very much self-aware. he is not blind, but simply has lost his humanity. Tom tries to reach out to him, to get him to think differently, that maybe resorting to coping with emotional struggles by worshipping something simple like flesh or something more higher than himself and forgetting his own mortality isn’t the healthiest way to live. but Dr Zoughth, having been long gone already, does not accept this and executes Tom.his own personal disciples grow tired of his tyranny and kill him and perform a ritual of some kind, disposing of his body (in the river i think, not sure). this entire ending of the film is basically the title, the beast is dead. but, i believe the beast is not dead, personally, because someone like Zoughth will always live on in other people, other beasts.there’s also a scene called grandma hespar and i think it implies how little people focus on sexual abuse towards men (when it’s from women).

anyways, with that being said, it’s time for sin nomine.

so now that i’ve explained pretty much all of treatsforbeasts to you, and whoever else is reading, it’s clear that the person behind this has issues with christianity (or catholicism), and child abuse. the person behind treatsforbeasts is Jordan Diniz, as he is also the person behind sanguinarius.

sin nomine is a very personal reflection of jordan’s life from what i gather. it depicts his struggles with how he views the world around him, whether that be due to personal experiences or not. at first i interpreted most of sin nomine to be the story of someone who is lgbt, but with jordan himself coming to me and telling me he is straight (POLITELY), it’s clear that is not the case.

so it most likely has to do with trauma. either religious or not, or both. it even says in the song storytime (remember i mentioned it earlier?), “fast hand, white hot trauma, reverberates inside the skull. innocence and intellect raped, reveals a view of a darker world. flesh on flesh, the bonds of affection - confused for the bonds of submission and fear. self-hatred and mistrust repel all beauty that comes near.” i don’t like to say that this solidifies a personal experience, but it’s highly possible.

a lot of sin nomine kind of goes over the same points in different ways, but it makes you think. i definitely feel like something happened to jordan at some point in his life but that is his story and it’s not my place to truly tell, since i don’t know him personally.

there’s also the other channel, adrianturcher. it has videos with seemingly no real purpose except for there being two videos with the same names of two songs on sin nomine, “nex memoria” and “a fetish for psychos”. nex memoria is just a compilation of clips that seem to symbolize the process of death (nex memoria is a latin phrase which very roughly translates to “memory’s death”). a fetish for psychos is a bunch of old clips from parties and shows that possibly jordan himself attended. they’re from 2002 judging by the date in the video. the lyrics in the song “a fetish for psychos” also seem to hint at these events, so it’s possibly that it’s like looking back on happy memories that make you feel sad instead or something. the song also might possibly reference a mother at the beginning.

sanguinarius also has its own channel simply called sanguinarius. there’s the music video for divine comedy (one of the songs on sin nomine) and a cover of because you’re young by david bowie, posted on his birthday a year after his death.

anyway, that’s. pretty much all i have to say. jordan diniz is a fuckin’ mastermind, he’s really good and cool and he’s very kind from my experience talking with him a couple times. he supports the gays as well!

sooooo, treatsforbeasts does have some very creepy/unsettling moments in its content but its EXTREMELY good and i recommend getting into it if you can. 100/10

[svankmajerbaby]

ok so

warrior nun has consumed my brain so here I Will Express My Thots Regarding It

probably spoilers i guess

so what i wanna talk about specifically is about the characters, which is really what sold me on the show (besides the gorgeous cinematography and the fact i went to andalucia on january and i recognize a lot of places and churches ive been to and i love watching it)

so first, of course, Ava: i think shes one of my new favorite characters, ever?? not only does she have Big Bi Vibes, shes actually really good at balancing snarky-coping-mechanism-humor. her narration and flashbacks do a great job at explaining just how much of it she had to use to cope with the awful nun that cared for her in the orphanage; as she said, its "small victories" to mock and insult the woman who verbally abuses her. but, besides that, humour is also a bonding mechanism, too: little is said of Diego, who was Avas closest friend for probably most of her life. it explains to a certain point why she has a bit of a childish side, but it also shows just how empathic she is and her relative ease to make friends. then. theres the issue that some of my favorite types of protagonists are those who may be tortured, may be sheltered (idk) but who manage to keep fighting on, love life and are in awe of it, remain positive and even spread their positivity to others. i really like when these characters have a clear enthusiasm -im so bored of dismissive, snarky, nihilist protagonists -but Ava is like. a ray of sunshine. her happiness at being out of the orphanage, at being free and able to experience everything is so contagious, i kept smiling through the first few episodes. even later in the season she finds the humour in any situation, she remains amazed by what her fellow warriors can do, and just. shes a goddamn delight. i love her and love how she grows from an overexcited teenager running for her life and evading her responsability to accepting her role as a saviour -and even willing to die to stop the cycle of "chosen ones" halo bearers.

and now Mary. my god, Mary. shes just a type of character i hadnt seen before and i didnt know i would love so much. her first appearance is crying as her best friend (and maybe something else??) dies in her arms. for the rest of the series Mary will be characterized as The Badass, a title she readily accepts. but shes also vulnerable and willing to expose herself and her emotions in order to bond with others -while also wary of being manipulated through them, as in the fight on the docks with Lilith. Mary is just a beautiful combination of this softness and kindness that has to be balanced with the fight for survival; she came from such painful places, being forced to struggle to stay alive: and yet she isnt afraid of love, of being loved: she is a realist, deeply aware of the circumstances she is in, but this doesnt deter her from ever doing the moral thing, to protect others, to fight for them and not only for herself. the fact theres a whole episode dedicated to her bonding with Ava, talking about her life and her deeds, makes it obvious to me that she is The character who mostly embodies the values of the Order of the Cruciform Sword -quite ironic, since while she is a member, she isnt one of the ordained nuns. that independence she has kind of defines her character, too -smart enough to know not to trust the church and to also fight alongside her friends for what she believes in.

and so we come to Lilith. the original Chosen One. she exists in a world defined by purpose and sacrifice: she has seen how the Warrior Nuns end up killed, and still she wants this -to be basically a martyr in a "holy war" -because not only is it her birthright, what she had been raised for her entire life, what her family has been doing for generations -but also because it is her purpose. that is her sole destiny, the only thing she sees herself fit for. this doesnt mean she is evil, though, or self-centered. its true that Lilith can be too one-track-minded, to the point of being able to kill; but she clearly views her being the Warrior Nun, the Halo Bearer, as the only way to ensure the continuity of the community and to save the world. her whole life has been consumed by this "holy war"; and, by what Mary said, its something that her pride has been feeding ever since Shannon was chosen instead of her. she should be the one. she should have the honor to suffer and die for the world. and this is her tragedy, to be honest: despite having friends, despite being loved by her fellow nuns, she feels she needs to be this hero for her life to make sense. it has been her entire life. and when someone else took that purpose from her, everything that is left is anger and anguish.

and this is a nice segway to Beatrice, whos just. while Mary is what a Nun of the OCS should be, and Lilith is what she thinks a Nun of the OCS should be, Beatrice is what a Nun of the OCS probably is most of the time. someone who, while not as self sacrificing as Lilith, is completely devoted to her life in the Order. and, as she explains, most of the nuns are much like herself: hiding past lives, cloaking secrets, trying to find a purpose in the community where they can devote their lives to something greater than themselves. its a way of coping, of keeping on, of finding love and friendship and happiness alongside girls like them. but Beatrice is one of those who arent as hidden and reserved: she yearns for understanding, for a friendship that goes deeper than surface level. this is not an attempt to diminish her relationships with her other friends; she displays the capacities of a good leader, and clearly values her fellow nuns. but theres a clear pattern of her shutting off vulnerabilities in order to be the best at what she does -overachieving, in a way -not with the intent of fulfilling a purpose, like Lilith, but to be seen as "good". as she tells Ava in that magnificent scene, Beatrice comes from a conservative background from where she had learnt to hide everything that could be seen as improper, as bad. she fights the hardest and stays the strongest because she cannot let herself fail: if she is exposed, if her flaws are revealed and her emotions uncovered, she risks her place in the community -where she has built her entire life around, where she managed to escape from her previous life. and so her story is one of opening up, of learning to go that extra step and allowing herself to cry, to be soft, to be vulnerable with others, to share her fears instead of masking them.

finally, none of these issues seem to be a problem for Camila. i dont have a lot to say about her because i think shes still got room to grow as a character, but i like how shes simultaneously "the kid" of the group, and the smartest one from a technological standpoint. shes probably the one who finds the OCS a place of friendship and community, just like Beatrice, while also being a place of deep, untapped knowledge. she is very interested in studying the history or the Order, of knowing what is the divinium, of how the Warrior Nun comes to be. she is not afraid to be vulnerable, nor to be honest about her thoughts and feelings: i feel she is the one who closest follows Mary's example. shes just less focused, less trained, less finely tuned as the rest of the nuns. and still she manages to be a really good fighter, so im just really excited to see where her character will go next.

[bmcrbb]

artist claims

sorry for the delay, there’s some personal drama taking up my time to blame here & also a small bit of classic procrastination. but here we are, with ARTIST CLAIMS.

here’s how this works!

i’m gonna put a list of fics below the read more line, and they’re all numbered, but do not have author names on them. your job is to pick your favorite 3 fics, and then enter their numbers into this form. that’s it! a fic may end up with multiple artists, and we may do a round 2 for any unclaimed fics.

here we go!

1. Marked On My Grave

Summary:

Really, Christine hadn’t expected much to come out of her life after dropping out of Bard Highschool. Her job opportunities were low, and Bard College was out of the window entirely. Shady deals made by angry princesses didn’t exactly help, nor did the pillaging pirates and necromancers-for-hire. And the necromancer’s mechanical henchmen were just the cherry on top of the very, very dangerous cake! But Christine really couldn’t say no to an adventure, could she?

Ships: Hints of Christine Canigula/Jenna Rolan, background Jake Dillinger/Michael Mell, background Brooke Lohst/Chloe Valentine

Tags & Warnings: Fantasy Au (Inspired by DND), Minor Non-Graphic Violence, Mentions of Blood, Mentions of Unconsciousness, Brief Mention of a Concussion, Mild Cursing

2. Reconnect

Summary:

Jeremy is a single dad trying his best. Michael is also a single dad trying his best. After a falling out in high school, they haven't seen each other for years. When their sons become friends, they're forced to talk through their problems and figure out how to get along. Michael never really thought of Jeremy as anything more than a friend, but now...

Ships: Michael/Jeremy, Christine/Brooke

Tags & Warnings: Refrenced Abuse (from squip and from a parent), Slow Burn, Child Original Characters, jeremy heere fights the PTA

3.  off key, but in tune (we reach a crescendo)

Summary:

Marching band! (No squips!) Rich has been in band since freshman year, he's been aware of Jeremy since they joined at the same time even if they played different instruments. They weren't friends but they weren't not friends. Eventually Jeremy brings another kid with him - they're sophomores now. Rich isn't necessarily good but he's the only other person who plays baritone. Michael picks it because no one else plays it. No one except Rich.

They spend their time at the back of the marching field, helping each other get their uniforms straightened out, crammed in the back of the band bus with Jeremy, falling asleep on the way home from a competition. Nothing becomes something becomes everything. Michael helps Rich read music, Rich helps Michael's form. Sophomore year turns to Junior year turns to Senior year. Long nights at competitions, winning awards, holiday concerts, state band competitions. At some point they realize that this might be what love is.

Ships: Michael/Rich

Tags & Warnings: Rich's dad sucks, implied self harm (nothing graphic), I'm not totally sure of all the details yet but they're sad and learn to navigate. Maybe past suicide attempts referenced. maybe underage drinking/smoking weed

Notes: the kids are all lgbtq and neurodivergent im not exactly sure on everything yet, rich has adhd michael is autistic and has adhd. slowburn all that good stuff, michael and rich play baritone, rich moves up to sousaphone and michael is a drum major senior year. jeremy plays flute. the others will be in it not totally sure whos where yet. jenna is yearbook tho.

4. Dead Poets

Summary:

Brooke loves poetry and dreams of becoming a poet herself, but when Chloe starts belittling her for it, she decides to leave it in the past. Flash-forward to junior year, and Brooke feels like her only purpose in life is to follow Chloe around while being constantly reminded that she's inferior to her. She could leave, but fearing what others would think and knowing that she's been in love with Chloe since kindergarten prevents her from doing so.

The only place that provides her solace is her favorite place behind the school, and one day, she stumbles upon someone there—Richard Goranski, a guy who loves poetry and literature as much as she does, and is also struggling with an unrequited love. Hanging out with him revives her will to create poetry, and together they learn how to cope with their problems. Unfortunately, things also get a whole lot more complicated, and Brooke realizes that perhaps that's how beautiful tragedies were written—they were experienced first.

Ships: Chloe/Brooke, Platonic Brooke/Rich, Rich/Jeremy, Christine/Brooke, background Jake/Chloe

Tags & Warnings: There are suicidal thoughts (Brooke seriously entertains the thought of killing herself at one point, but doesn't push through with it or even do self-harm at all. Meanwhile, Brooke discovers Rich's scars from doing self-harm, and learns that he's tried to kill himself before) and mentions of depressing things (like tragedies, so there will be mentions of blood and violence and stuff like that, but it's pretty brief), homophobia, Alternate Universe, Suicidal Thoughts, Self-Esteem Issues, Friendship, Inspired by Poetry, Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, stuff like that. Oh, and there's a bunch of fluff at some point, and the S.Q.U.I.P. doesn't exist.

5. take my hand, take my whole life too

Summary:

Expensive Headphones fake dating AU.

Ships: Rich/Michael

Tags & Warnings: No Current Warnings, Fake dating, Wedding, Fluff

6. friended

Summary:

Focused mostly on platonic relationships and the aftermath of everything, i know one plot point that i wanna include is michael’s moms taking in jake after the house fire and rich + jer bonding

Ships: Jeremy/Christine/Jake, potential Rich/Michael

Tags & Warnings: Mentions of the squip abuse, Homophobia, Alcoholism, Platonic michael/jake, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort

7. love shack (that’s where it’s at)

Summary:

Brooke decides to capitalize on the annual Valentine’s Day Dance (the second most attended dance at Middleborough High, second only to the Freshman Fling. The prom DOES NOT COUNT, Jake.), and she sets up a little matchmaking stand outside school.

Two things she wasn’t expecting happen:

1) Matchmaking is a surprisingly profitable business

2) She doesn’t want a match of her own

Ships: brooke’s aro and that’s the whole point of this fic but, background Jeremy/Christine, Jenna/Thalia, & some very very background stuff

Tags & Warnings: Brief Homophobia, aro!brooke, figuring out your sexual identity, School Dance

8.  Being Scared Keeps Us Alive

Summary:

Superhero AU where Jeremy is Spider-Man and Michael is like the blogger but anyway best friends turned boyf riends eventually with some twisty villainy occurring in the background

Ships: Jeremy/Michael

Tags & Warnings: Blood & Violence, Superhero AU

9. For The Better

Summary:

Chloe puts in the effort to change for the better, and her and Brooke find that maybe theres a little more than friendship between the two of them.

Ships: Brooke/Chloe, Jeremy/Christine

Tags & Warnings: None Currently

10. Let’s Get Inside Their Brains

Summary:

Jeremy Heere is a surgical resident. He’s the son of the now-deceased well-known surgeon Anne Heere. This is something he tries to hide from his peers. He falls for pediatric neurosurgeon prodigy Christine Canigula when he starts working with her. Christine is hesitant to start things with him because of him being a resident but she falls for him anyway. Jeremy also deals with trying to handle the legacy of being a Heere and the expectations that were set for him before he was even born.

Christine’s character is not just falling for a resident and that is not the only plot. She also struggles with the complicated task of discovering how to deal with a startling new epidemic of implants in people’s brains that change their behaviors. She can’t figure out how to fix the problem even with her prodigy level skills. Her attempts at removing the implant create strange behaviors in her patients that she doesn’t know how to explain. Sometimes the surgeries fail completely and people die on the table.

Jeremy has a knack for neurosurgery and is picked by Christine to work with her. Together they try to understand what exactly is going on and how to fix it without killing the patients or causing strange behavior that can’t see to be fixed.

Ships: Jeremy/Christine

Tags & Warnings: Medical procedures, mentions of past abuse, Dark, Alternate Universe

now, again, ARTISTS, please select your top 3 fics and fill out this form. first come, first serve! please have it filled out by JULY 23RD, or i will chase you around with a wooden spoon in your dms