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thebomb-thebird-andtheburntbitch · 4 years

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all three heartbeats

bakugou katsuki / f.reader

genre: married au (husband/wife), angst, hurt/comfort?, fluff, katsuki being a sap in lowercase

synposis: katsuki works full time as a prohero, but his time working to ensure the publics safety kept him busy- far too busy at times. he seeks comfort in you and his newborn little girl because the both of you keep him grounded and keep him fighting. he just wishes he could find a way to feel like a better father and husband.

w.count: 3.6k

a/n: hi hello i aint never written for bnha before and i thought i would never write anime fics again but here we are years after (it has been actual years, someone save me LOL). what better way than to start back out with blasty amiright?

It was one of those nights. Katsuki had just walked into his home at an ungodly hour and as he shut the door behind him, he leaned his back against it, He flicked all three locks of the front door shut and dropped his duffle bag at his feet before he tipped his head back to rest on the wood. He closed his eyes, sighing as he had the urge to just sink to the floor of the entryway landing and power nap.

Lord knows when his phone would buzz or ring again- his seemingly never ending work calling him to clock in again. It seemed like recently he never clocked out of his job- always working, patrolling, fighting petty villains trying to commit petty crimes and occasionally stopping more dangerous situations that kept him on edge and busy for hours to days on end.

The duffle he dropped at his feet was full with his gear and his hero suit that was in desperate need of washing and minor repairs- things that if he even muttered to himself about, you would happily offer your aid.

His closed eyes opened and his chin dropped back down, the back of his head coming off the door as he pushed the rest of his body off it as well. He heeled off his shoes and ruffled his hair as he finally walked into his home, leaving his duffle at the door as he made his way to the bathroom.

In all honesty, Katsuki wanted to go immediately to the room he shared with you where he knew you were asleep. He desperately needed a shower though, and he wasn’t planning on crawling into bed to hold you smelling like sweat, smoke and hero work.

You told him before you didn’t mind his post-work scent, in fact you told him it was charming in it’s own way since it was proof that Pro Hero: Dynamight worked harder than anyone else to one day be the No.1 Hero he’d been dreaming of his entire life.

Katsuki never told you, but he’d think about that almost everyday and it always made him smile when he did.

The shower he took was brisk and quick because all he wanted to do was go to bed. He couldn’t remember the last time he wasn’t just taking power naps on the couch at the agency. He couldn’t remember the last time he got to go to sleep in his own bed. Katsuki couldn’t remember the last time he got to hold you and it was starting to really piss him off.

Since graduating UA, getting engaged, married and then having a child with you, is tempter had considerably settled. He wasn’t entirely tame by any means, he was still a quick fire with insults, refused to use people’s names and stuck to stupid nicknames he thought of, cursed like a sailor and exploded when something mildly frustrating ticked him off- but he wasn’t like he was before.

When Katsuki can stand to be in the same room as Todoroki and Midoriya and not blow a giant fuse within the first sentence exchange, anyone would call that progress.

It was no shock that you were a large factor in his settled image- he had to start leaning self control and how to manager his attitude. The one extremely rocky point in your relationship with Katsuki back when you both were third years and you threatened to leave him if he didn’t shape up made him change. It wasn’t easy, but the arguments and fights you both had back then serve as a reminder of how far he had come according to you.

When Katsuki stepped out of the bathroom, he sighed- feeling refreshed- as he walked to the bedroom with a towel around his waist and another over his head drying his hair. It was way too late to be running the hairdryer, he’d risk waking up his child that he knew was otherwise dead to the world in their crib.

Twisting the doorknob as quietly as he could, Katsuki stepped into the bedroom and his eyes immediately looked to the bed, seeing your body’s shape beneath the comforter of the giant, Alaskan king bed you insisted you absolutely needed.

He felt his lips twitch as he left the door cracked to let in a small amount of light from the hall without stirring you. He went to his dresser and snatched a pair of shorts and a tank top and threw them on before he left the room as quietly as he had come in.

Katsuki went back to the front door and picked up his duffle bag, moving it into the living room and setting it on the couch to fiddle with it in the morning. He grabbed his phone from the side pouch of the duffle and began to shut the lights off and retreated back down the hall.

Before he went back to the room you slept in to join you, he stopped first in the room that was directly across the hall from his and yours and as quiet as a mouse crept in.

The nursey was painted in a pale yellow with sunflowers painted on the walls (curtesy of the bakusquad who insisted they were in charge of nursery decorations). Against the wall was a shelved cubby for toys and items for the baby and beside that was a changing table. Across the room was a tall dresser filled with way too many baby onesies and outfits for the future.

Katsuki walked to the white, wooden crib at the back of the room as the room itself was glowing in the soft, blue light of the baby’s nightlight. He leaned over the crib side and looked down to see his child sleeping just as quiet as can be.

He smiled as he reached down and stroked her chubby cheeks with the back of his knuckles. She was warm and soft.

“Hey there, Girlie,” he whispered, barely audible. Just watching his little girl sleep so soundly made his chest warm. God, he loved her so much. He frowned as he thought about how tough it might be on you while he’s away looking after her by yourself. She was barely a few months old and he hasn’t even had a weekend with you two yet.

Katsuki bit his lip to keep from letting the disappointment he felt in himself slip out in the form of growls.

He stuck around in the nursey for a few more minutes, just petting and admiring his child before he snuck back out and finally, finally went back to his room and as carefully as possible slid into bed.

You slept in the center of the bed that could easily fit four sleeping bodies, and Katsuki shuffled in further towards you before he was right behind you. He stared at your back in the dark room, his eyes adjusting more and more as the minutes pass.

Katsuki lightly grabbed your shoulder before he was pulling you to your back and then reaching over you to lay on your chest. On an ordinary day, Katsuki would be happy just holding you, but he felt especially worn out and drained. So, for once, even if you were sleeping, he just wanted to be held instead.

His cheek pushed into your chest, listening to your steady heartbeat beneath his ear. His right arm stretched over your shoulder to rest by your head and his left stayed beside his own body, his right leg hiked over your waist to be as close to you as he could get.

He felt his eyes roll before he shut them, finally feeling comfortable and warm and safe for the first time in days. He was finally breathing easy and all he wanted to do was stay here, in your arms, for the rest of his life.

As he started to finally doze off, his eyes fluttered open at the feeling of something carding through his hair.

He heard you take a deep breath before you were shifting just a bit to curl around him more and he felt your chin push against the top of his head.

“Go back to sleep,” he muttered, feeling your sleepy gaze on the top of his head. The small, sleepy chuckle that left your chest hummed against his cheek.

“Welcome home,” you whispered, sleep laced heavily in your voice as he felt your lips push against his scalp. “How was work?” You ask so innocently, but the question only made Katsuki burrow his face into your chest further. He doesn’t answer you, so you prompt him further. “Katsuki?”

“Don’t wanna talk about it,” he muttered, lifting his face just enough to speak clearly then pushing it back down again.

You say nothing at that and instead return to just carding your fingers through his semi-damp hair as you bask in each other and the silence of the house. You glance over to the alarm clock, seeing the time 4:03 am in orange, glowing numbers.

You feel like you have loads you want to talk about with Katsuki, things you want to share with him that had happened and things you want to have him tell you that’s happened, but it’s too quiet and too peaceful to bring them up. They’d have to wait.

“’m sorry,” he suddenly spoke from where he lay on your chest. Your fingers stop their mindless fiddling in his hair and he grips onto you tighter.

“What for?”

“Not being here.”

You felt your heart crack at the tone of his voice. He’s always been more open and mushy around you- as much as he denies it and he only get’s more open and more mushy when he was sleep deprived and just plain exhausted.

“I’m always working, always gone, always away doing fuck-knows-what out there and not here. I’m not home and that’s gotta really fucking suck.” He’s silent for a moment but you dare not speak. You feel like he’s been holding a lot in recently and if he’s choosing now to let it all out, you would silently encourage him to do that.

“I mean-” he scoffs at himself, “we’re married for fucks sake. We have a baby and I’m basically leaving you home alone day after day to raise her by yourself.”

“What?” Your shocked to think that’s how he feels. “Katsuki, that’s not-”

“It feels true,” he whimpers. “I feel like if I keep doing this, keep leaving you and Misuzu alone,” his voice cracks at the sound of his daughter’s name leaving his lips, “then you’ll both just disappear and I won’t even have the balls to go after you two.” You think you feel something wet seep through your sleep shirt, but you don’t say a thing about it. “I don’t feel like a husband and I don’t feel like a father. How can I feel like a hero if I can’t even spare the time to be with my god damn family?”

“Well,” you start. In truth, all you want to do is console him, but for all you know that could make him feel worse. You had to figure out what he wanted first. “What do you want to do then?”

He took a deep breath before he let it out again.

“I think I’m going to take some time off,” he concluded. It had been on his mind recently and now was as good a time as any. He just wanted to be home. “Maybe a week or two.”

“If that’s what you really want to do, then I think that’s a great idea. Just don’t forget to tell Eijirou or else he’ll blow a fuse if he just think’s your late because the great Dynamight is always punctual.”

You got a hearty puff of air and smile out of him for that little line. it was no shock that when all came down to it, Kirishima Eijirou and Bakugou Katsuki ended up working in the same agency.

“I’ll just text the bastard.”

“You need to tell the agency too, you dolt,” you lightly whacked him on the bed as he groaned. Getting time off wasn’t going to be hard for him considering the god awful hours he’s been forced into the past however long. Just going into the office to get that time off is annoying and a process he wish he could get someone else do to for him. “Just head out in the morning and let both your partner and your agency know. It won’t be so bad.”

“Whatever,” he huffed. “Just, go back to sleep.”

You glanced back at the clock to see that only about half and hour had passed. You sighed as you closed your eyes happily ready to return to sleep before Misuzu woke up.

You swore Katsuki was out before you.

-x-x-x-

You woke up three hours later, just after 7 am to the sounds of your daughter’s crying from her nursey. When you opened your eyes and sat up, your husband was no where to be seen.

You frowned, knowing that he was awake somewhere and he had only slept a few hours. Shaking your head, you got up and went to Misuzu’s room to get her from her crib and bring her into your arms.

You shushed the infant in your arms as you left the nursey and walked around the house. Katsuki was no where to be found and his everyday shoes were gone from the shoe rack next to the door. He must’ve went out already.

Not thinking much of it, you moved to the kitchen to grab one of Mizusu’s bottles from the fridge. One plus of pumping was getting bottles for the future- but that was one of the only pros among a number of cons.

With Misuzu being still so young, she didn’t do much beside nursing, napping and diaper calls. She would coo and whine and clutch onto your fingers and clothes and hair, but her energy was never prolonged.

After nursing, burping and playing with her she was yawning again. You left to place her back in her crib in her room as you let he sleep a little while longer. Flipping on the baby monitor, you left the room and went to the kitchen. Your daughter had breakfast, it was only fair that you got something to eat too.

As you scrambled the last eggs in your fridge, enough for Katsuki just in case you saw him this morning, you heard the front door open and shut again. You smiled as you heard footsteps come treading into the kitchen and you looked over your shoulder to see your husband.

You smiled at him as he rubbed the back of his head. Dressed in jeans that tore just slightly in the thighs and a t-shirt, Wwhen he saw you, he immediately started going towards you.

“Good morning,” you told him as he was at your side looking over your shoulder. “Welcome home.”

“Mmn,” he hummed at you.

“Where’d you go so early in the morning?”

“Agency.”

“You should’ve slept in a little bit more. You didn’t sleep long.”

“I didn’t want to wait any more to just be able to stay home.”

You smiled at his answer. You brought one hand up to pat his cheek as he leaned into your touch.

“Why don’t you go get comfortable if you’re staying home then?”

He hummed at you again, nodding before he kissed your shoulder and sauntered back into your shared room. He took his time getting changed and getting into more homey clothes, because when he came back into the kitchen you were placing your food on plates for the both of you.

This time, when he came to you, instead of standing beside you, he latched onto you from behind as he buried his face into your neck. You could tell from the feeling of his eyelashes tickling your skin that he was still tired. You had half a mind to tell him to just go back to bed and he could really wake up and eat later.

The way he tightened his grip on your waist and started to sway ever so gently back and forth in the kitchen made you stay silent though. It was a serene moment between you two and you just closed your eyes and basked in it. It had been so long since you just got to bask in him and him in you.

“You hungry?” You asked as softly as you could muster. He nodded but made no effort to try and move away from you. “Do you expect to eat with your face hidden?” You teased.

“Just a little longer,” he muffled, his breath making your skin rise with gooseflesh as it tickled.

Half and hour later, you were taking his plate from him as he cleaned it of food and went to put them in the sink. He jumped from his chair at the table before he was gently moving you away from the metal hole in the counter where you were about to wash the dishes you had dirtied this morning.

“I’ll wash them,” he insisted.

“I don’t mind doing it.”

“Don’t be so damned stubborn. You cooked, so it’s fair.”

You shrugged as you relented. “If you really insist. Thank you, Katsuki.” You placed a small, short kiss on his cheek before you moved back to the table to sit.

As he cleaned up the dishes, you sat at the table and fiddled with your phone, scrolling through apps to see what you missed and then flicking occasionally to watch Katsuki’s back.

“I feel you fuckin’ staring,” he spoke as he shut the water off, shaking his hands before he dried them on a towel. The dishes all sat in a plastic draining rack as he turned around and leaned against the counter. You placed your chin in your palm as you laughed at him.

“Yeah? Got a problem with it?”

“Not necessarily.”

You both jumped when a small whine was heard over the speaker of the baby monitor you had sitting on the center of the table. You pushed your chair out, but before you could even stand up, Katsuki was up and down the hall to check on Misuzu.

When you made it to her door, he had already lifted her out of her crib. She had reached up and snagged a tiny handful of her father’s hair as he hissed.

“Listen you little brat, just because your my baby doesn’t mean you can yank on my hair.” Her small fist only yanked down on his hair more as if to say ‘I can and will’. You chuckled as you walked into the nursey and started to detangle her hand from his blond hair.

Katsuki watched as her fingers released his hair and instead wrapped around your finger as you bounced it slightly. Her tiny arm moved in tandem with your finger bounces.

“Hey,” your soft voice calling him suddenly brought him out of his own mind. You gently pulled Misuzu’s fingers off you as you pushed your palm against Katsuki’s cheek. “Why are you crying?”

Was he? God, he hated crying- especially in front of you. He clicked his tongue, whipping his head to face away from you as he used one of his hands to quickly swipe under his eyes.

“I’m not.”

You smiled at him, holding back a laugh as you pushed your husband into the living room to let Misuzu play on the floor. Katsuki sat on the living room floor cross legged as you watched him play with her as she lay on her back.

Occasionally he would glance at the time and remind you to pump, as if your tender chest wasn’t a constant reminder anyway. You always just nodded and told him you would when you needed to.

The three of you spent the morning in the living room until the infant began to yawn back to back and rub at her eyes clumsily. You let Katsuki put her down for her nap in the afternoon since he never really had the opportunity to. Through the baby monitor you could hear him mutter and coo at her to go to sleep.

When she was down, Katsuki came back into the living room and sat himself beside you on the couch. He sighed, throwing his head back against the couch and closing his eyes, obviously ready for a nap himself.

“Why not try and sleep while she’s down?” You had planned on getting him to rest while you start to go through the duffle bag you had relocated to the corner of the room a while ago to see what all he needed done with his hero equipment.

He opened one of his eyes, seeing you eyeing towards his bag and he frowned. He shifted his body, snatched your waist and threw himself back to lay on the cushions, you following in tow to lay on top of him.

“Katsuki!” You scolded in a hushed tone as to not wake up your daughter who just went to sleep.

“I’ll nap here and you will too. No objections.” He brought one of his hands up to start stroking your head. “Just let me take care of my god damn wife for once.” You just shook your head and pushed your cheek further against his chest to get comfortable. When he says it like that, you can’t really bring yourself to oppose him.

“Hey,” you whispered. You felt him hum in response to you. “I love you.”

His legs shifted and his arms wrapped around you tighter, getting more comfortable. He let out a deep, comfortable breath as you felt him push his cheek into the top of your head.

“‘Fuckin’ love you too.”

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ameliasbitvh · 3 years

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ahhhh! thank you all soso much for the 300 followers! i just hit 200 last week?! how are there 300 of you? i honestly don’t know, but i started this account as a place to just read smut and then i decided to post on here. the reason why my first post was angst was because i was being a slut for angst to feel something in those few moments- okay i’ll stop myself right there. for this milestone i’m going to do mutual appreciation for the moots i’ve interacted with the most so far! (if we’re moots and u wanna interact pls do, i’m not scary!)

okayy first up,

@underappreciated-spoon-321

i love you so much bby, i could not believe it when you followed me. i was legit crying happy tears and i specifically remember you followed me after i posted “needy” random lol.

your writing is immaculate, absolutely lovely. ur smut *chefs kisses* i love that you put up with my shit photos that i send you and that you actually ask for more- but it baffled me when you first interacted with me, this was my reaction

*deep breath* “omfg! (ur username) just interacted with me, wtf do i do?!” also ur nick name reminds me of belly from dear, draco.

i’m not writing a lot, bc for your sleepover i wrote you a damn paragraph 😭 but i love u sm belly!! 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

@dracoskinks

ARI! i love talking to you, bc i can talk about anything and when i say anything i mean anything. like kinks, porn, random draco scenarios, etc… you are one of the funniest people i have seen on this app.

ur blunt and funny at the same time, it just makes it more fun to talk to you. ur smut is soso good, bc i don’t find a lot of smut with a dom!reader and sub!draco.

i remember you followed me, so out of curiosity i checked out your blog and saw your piss kink fic and that did it for me. after that i followed you back and we became moots ajnwja. when ur first account got terminated you scared me so fucking much, because i thought you were going to leave tumblr forever. don’t. ever. play. like. that. again. i’m glad we became moots bc i fucking love you <3

@opalsheart

I LOVE YOU SM! i think u were the first moot that i interacted with in direct messages, bc you had tea to spill, and ever since than we’ve been #4lifers. you send me edits and hate on t*m felton with me on instagram. you were the first mutual to know what i looked like lmaoo. u r an absolute goddess, bestie, like what- i know that you can pull anyone you want, so stop playing when you talk about someone.

even though we have a fucking 12 hour time difference, we still find time to talk to each other. it is so fun talking with you and the fact that when we talk it’s night for one of us. you let me send that stupid tik tok of ed sheeran and t*m felton to you and it probably haunts your dreams now ajnwajsj-

i appreciate that you study ur MF ass off for your exams, bc i could never. and you even send me those cute memes when i wake up- also we better be watching those true crime documentaries, bc i’m still waiting. idc if we have a time difference :) anyways ILY SM ELLIE !! <3

@laceycallisto

okay- where do i even get started with this. we first interacted when i reblogged that draco fan fic and we reblogged talking about how desperate we were trying to find that iconic fic. and i forgot that the creator could see all the reblogging we were doing- you texted me directly about adding my name into your tags, which obviously i agreed to. then we just started talking about random shit like how we were superior because we were june geminis. or how we talked about being in love with remus lupin.

i have vivid flash backs of how your remus fic hurt me. i cried my false lashes off proof reading janajaj- bestie- you’ve seen me cry ajnwja- your writing is ethereal, i don’t know how you can see that? your so nice too, like girly u gave me ur netflix within like a day of knowing each other 💀 we watched bridgerton in two mother fucking sittings. we ate that bridgerton hoe up!

all ur input on the scenes were so funny like the “with child” and “dicking” comments 😭 i love how it’s so easy to talk to you about everything, like how dumb i am- even talking about the privilege of being poc and not burning in the sun. bruh u even let me tag u in dumb tik tok videos, like what?! and i think your the only mutual i have that’s in the same time zone as me… also we better binge the next season. but ily sm, ur like my older sister, even if u say ur life is shitty 😭 <3

@dracomalfoys-wh0re

honestly, kacia. i owe a lot to you for my account being “found” or whatever, bc you reblogged a fic of mine, i’m pretty sure it was “common room” and that’s when i started getting notes and followers najajwjwj- you might not know that but i do 💀 i will forever remember that.

you literally were one of the first accounts ever- to follow me. and i won’t lie, i went crazy when u followed me because i love your fics so much! you are so funny and blunt too i swear 😭

and can we talk about your tom riddle fic? like?!the fact that you really showed tom’s true personality and character. every world had me enthralled further into the fic, the way you wrote him is exactly how i think tom riddle would act towards his s/o. his toxicity and gaslighting is too accurate.

moving on from the discussion of your fic, which is amazing, ily sm babe!!

@yoooespinosa

we’ve interacted a few times and when u texted me directly saying that you thought i was sweet, i literally went, “omg- people think i’m sweet” in a good way, not bad jkwajjw- can i just get started on your writing, because oh. my. fucking. god. it is the most captivating and heart breaking thing i’ve ever seen- the emotions that you put into every word completes the entire fic. every angst piece that you have written, made me cry or made something inside me just twist with sadness. it is truly lovely and magnificent.

how do ur fics not get thousands of notes? because everyone should see what you write, it’s unfair that others haven’t seen your fics. when u explained your dream to me, i swear you practically wrote a whole fic 😭

i remember u said that you wanted to do a face reveal, but we’re scared. bestie what are you scared of? you look like an ANGEL!! and if anyone were to disagree, they are obviously blind. but ily bestie <3

@o-rion-sta-r

BESTIE BAE ORION i love you so much!interacting with you is honestly so fun. and i remember like literally yesterday we were trying to figure out ari’s time zone and we were freaking out. you, ari, and me all have a fucking time difference 😭 it sucks so much!

at least every day you ask me how my days been and i think that’s so sweet, because before i got on tumblr people didn’t ask that question. i appreciate that you ask me that and just random questions in general, because i love interacting with you so much. and you should start writing bby! i will reblog anything you write, also ily sm <3

@ilygw

we don’t talk a lot, but you seem like a fun person! i love seeing all the edits you post on here, bc honestly i need more ferret boy content. i know there is a lot, but i feel like i’ve seen all of them. until i see you posting a new edit and i’m like, “okay… i guess i haven’t seen every draco edit” but that’s all i have lol, ly!!

@arcaneslut

to be honest, you seemed so intimidating to me. i know you said you’re not, but to me you seemed really scary even though i knew you weren’t 😭 i just interacted with you recently and you are so sweet i swear! i love all ur fics, especially “and then i felt nothing” because when i read this fic you better believe i was crying so hard- to the point where i couldn’t breath- everything was written so beautifully, i couldn’t believe it.

i love how one thing we share in common is losing our phones 💀 but i just wanted to say thank you for explaining the whole sleepover and celebration things to me! even tho we just started interacting i already love u!!

moots bc i’m in love with all of them: @just-a-smol-spoon @dreamy-clousds @dracoskinks @unedibledaisyduck @thatsassyhufflepuff @a-aexotic @l0vely-lupin @gothboutique @wolfstar4lifee @littlemissnoname13 @deatthfairy @arcaneslut @ladyvesuvia @laceycallisto @dracossweetprincess @the-lonely-poet-loves-to-weep @realityblocked @harmqnia @yoooespinosa @opalsheart @lilscloud @cupids-crystals @mellifluousart @lunas-kisses @malfoysmainb @klauscarolove @crystxlss @beforeoursunsets @marrymetheonott @queeriacs @electriclocean @dlmmdl @o-rion-sta-r @sfdlm @ilygw @desiredmalfoy @underappreciated-spoon-321 @draco-and-tom @hellounicorn @mugglesthesedays @dracomalfoys-wh0re

if i didn’t tag u it’s bc i can’t tag more than 50 blogs :(

#eve’s 300 moot appreciation

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rametarin · 3 years

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And further thoughts about the yaoi paddles.

If you’re under 20, and just now learning that fandom seniors in their late 20s, 30s, 40s, even low 50s, used to run around slapping eachother on the ass with yaoi paddles in anime and comic conventions after anime became a household media staple, you probably have.. questions.

You’re probably thinking, “Wow!! It was really lawless and anarchistic back then, wasn’t it! They never heard about personal space or sexual harassment laws! SOCIETY must have been SO different, back then!”

NO. I cannot stress enough, the Yaoi Paddle phenomenon was borne PURELY because the demographic MOST LIKELY to protest and be wet blankets about everything fun and sexual and admittedly VERY SKETCHY sometimes in fiction, and ALWAYS bad in reality.. turned off and said virtually nothing. Wokesters that’d protest about the environment and sexual assault against women would take off their Problem Glasses by night and act like paddling was harmless, contextually acceptable behavior.

Yaoi Paddle shit appeared because something absolutely magical happened in scifi and fantasy fandoms. It survived purely because boys didn’t complain, or their complaints were not taken seriously. I promise you, I assure you, if you grew up in the late 80s, your night time TV was INUNDATED with heavy handed messages about how sexual harassment (always male-on-woman flavored) was wrong, even proxy or indirect violence to women (tossing rubber gloves in their lap) was wrong, and to never, ever, ever do that thing or they’d rub your nose in it and consider you mentally diseased until the day you died.

Fandom was always niche, with sci-fi and fantasy stuff being off in its own little corner. Conventions, before the internet was king, was one of few places where more rural, disparate suburban and city-definition isolated geeks, nerds and dreamers could get together and just cut loose. Comic books, novels, video games. All that GOOD shit. But if you knew a girl in the 80s and 90s, you knew a girl that knew a girl that was getting them to be less tolerant and “more conscious and aware” (80s and 90s parlance for Woke) and when that happened, a new persona was created. A new bunch of dialogue options, created.

Suddenly they didn’t say stuff like, “Ew. Why is this character dressed like a SLUT? Typical male writers. Like we’d ever draw ourselves in this or put ourselves in this.” Because that’d be a personal, subjective opinion. Instead, the option to say, “It’s endemic in our western culture that male chauvinist authors and writers in a patriarchal system exploit femininity in media and reproduce misogynistic culture.”

And so assured this was true by mob mentality AND the idea that learned, educated, acredited and tenured academics had this opinion, they were scientists, and so they were right, permeated. Suddenly girl-fans had outlets to have justified apprehension for everything they saw and didn’t like or, if they actually liked it, STILL interpreted it through their lenses to be on, “the right side of history.”

It made fandom miserable and a sausage fest for a while, if only out of fear of driving away female friends. You couldn’t share that shit unless you knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that your female peers and friends wouldn’t disregard you like a “typical misogynistic western male” for enjoying that stuff.

Sentiments and peer pressure thoughts emerged. Like, “The comic industry is hostile and cruel to women that try and enter it, and they exploit the image of women for cheap dollars.” So they simply weren’t interested in comics- mostly- unless the comics were written by women and sold with that virtue in mind. In which case, you had boys glowingly mentioning just how much they liked this authentically written adventure by this female comic author. Isn’t that just so special? Not like those horrid anti-woman cigar smoking old man stories, right?

There was always something to nag and get vitriolic about with the media. That’s part of why the Whedon brand of feminist writing got so popular in the 90s. it was low hanging fruit of peppy “sassy” girl characters doing girly things. They weren’t like “other” girls written in comics and cartoons. They were actually girly. Not idealized infantalized children, like those horrible white men write, you know.

Well. Things were looking really bleak for the forseeable future. Lots of boys just felt like comics and cartoons were lost to girls that weren’t specifically into them, and that meant more sausage fest conventions or hobbies, and signing off hope on those things being respected and accepted on the merits of what they are and were. The girls had embraced serials-filed-off radfem rhetoric and lenses, sometimes without even knowing the origins of where those truisms like the Male Gaze even came from, just assuming it was true and indisputable. And it complimented their insecurities, so they’d embrace that shit until they couldn’t anymore.

And then.. something absolutely miraculous and amazing happened that blindsided this whole vitriolic culture.

Anime.

And amazingly, every complaint that a lot of nerdy girls had about the very much sanitized, policed and made PG writing and characterization of characters in western comics and cartoons, just... fucking up and vanished. Seemingly within a fucking YEAR, the entire social culture of Problem Finders, finding everything wrong about these stories, the characters, the writer and the company that produced them being misogynistic male chauvinism, dried up. Those voices quieted, or were shut out of the groups.

Media from Japan was some of the most infantilizing, sexist, tittelating shit compared to mainstream American comics and cartoons and video games, and girls fluttered to it like flies to shit. We had Buffy basically subverting boogymen that a bunch of girls had been taught were still relevant after the 1950s by fighting crime in melee combat with men, and winning, while wearing jogging pants and cracking sassy, like Lola Bunny being a “tough girl.”

Japan had doe eyed, waif bodied ballet dancers that basically farted iridescent glitter, hearts and all the symbols and shapes of the Lucky Charms, riding unicorns and fighting evil in cute outfits. Being childish and not at all mature or professional to show how womanly and competent they were, basically being overgrown 11 year old girls fresh off the playground swing set.

And the fangirls loved it. Those nagging voices that would speak up and remind them about misogynistic, male chauvinistic “societies” and culture? Just.. they fucking VANISHED from the mind for AN ENTIRE GENERATION. I’m not exaggerating. Tolerance and fun and innocence was back again. The problem-glasses felt too ostracized and alienated, or didn’t even want to wear them anymore for personal reasons, and the Radfem Baby Wokes just seemed to grow out of that collective hysteria and pretend it never happened and never existed.

That’s why the very EXISTENCE of Yaoi Paddles at conventions was just so fucking bizarre to those of us that lived up to that point. After, “Stay in your own personal space, boy. DON’T even TOUCH a GIRL unless she VERBALLY AND PUBLICLY CONSENTS or it’s proof you’re just living up to this misogynistic, objectifying society’s evil history!” was drilled into us, day on the playground by day on the playground, by women with axes to grind and good-boy sycophants performing sharing those sentiments for brownie points, it was so fucking surreal to IMAGINE girls just running around sexually assaulting and physically assaulting random strangers because they thought they looked like cute, gay men.

It wasn’t that they didn’t know any better beforehand, it’s that they COMPLETELY put those sentiments away and up and decided, as girls, it was okay to violate male autonomy because they weren’t women, and “it’s okay to paddle a yaoi boy ^.^!” With NO self-awareness whatsoever.

The very fact it existed is testament to how attention starved boys were for girls approving gaze and playful interaction, that they’d tolerate some pocky fingered little cow stranger smacking them on the ass with a plank of wood because it was a socially acceptable way to just interact with girls in their lonely assed fandom and interest. It was an acceptable way to meet girls and positively interact. That’s the degrading bullshit boys said virtually nothing about at the hayday of yaoi paddles, purely to be welcoming to girls in anime and hentai approving spaces.

WE GREW UP hearing and watching horror stories and boogymen stories about true crime and sitcoms and crime shows about evil evil men violating the personal space of women for lewd and lecherous reasons. We had it drilled into our heads that the tolerance for boys and men doing that was negatives, and the general sentiment was men caught doing that (to women, or children of any sex) were effectively free game for any violence you personally felt like unloading on them, confident that in such outraged rape and sexual assault hating times, juries would excuse that passion as a defense.

So if you look back on the era of Yaoi Paddles and think. “WOW. That must be like driving cars before they invented seat belts and cough medicine before they invented the drug safety and scheduling legal system!”.. NO.

It was not like the 50s-70s, where many of the rules hadn’t been written yet so it was anarchy and chaos. Yaoi Paddles existed almost PURELY because girls HAD no rules if they didn’t want to respect them. The Yaoi Paddle phenomenon flew in direct opposition to how interactions were supposed to go, and ABSOLUTELY NO ONE would tolerate the reverse; no cis straight man could walk around randomly smacking women on the ass with a plank of even foam in pantomime, or ‘floating hand’ pretending to be a perverted character. The double standard was GLARING. The Double Standard was a fucking bugbear that had grown from a tiny screaming goblin and was now hanging upside down from the ceiling, roaring.

But because it was GIRLS inflicting it on BOYS, absolutely no party cared enough to raise a stink about it. The Radfems kept their mouths shut, because boys were the recipients. The Radfem Sympathizers really wanted to spank boys, so suddenly they couldn’t find their problem glasses and instead put on their neko ears. The boys were either stoic and amused by it or really wanted to be seen as cool and not buzzkills, so they tolerated to reveled in it.

Many times when you hear about things that happened either when you were a child just too young to really personally experience a thing, or before you were born, we’re quick to assume it’s a medieval place and the people were so uncultured as to have never pondered the social problems of spanking one another on the ass unprovoked. Violation of personal space, personal sovereignty- all that. That was NOT okay at the time. It happened because fujoshi decided it was okay and nobody argued with them to not do hat, or they were told to stop and did it anyway.

And as I’ve laid it out, that is the most bizarre and surreal element to the whole thing. They DID know better, but felt it didn’t apply to THEM because they were girls, and a girl slapping a boy on the ass “as a joke” didn’t mean anything- because it wasn’t happening TO them, FROM a man.

And irony of ironies, it was NEVER okay, EVER, throughout that entire era, for the reverse to be a thing. It was very specifically and exclusively not. As a man if you ran around slapping cute looking girls with the Yuri Paddle, you goin’ to either juvy hall, or prison, boi. Both sexes knew it. And yet, yaoi paddles STILL became a thing.

#history #yaoi paddles #90s fandom #early 00s fandom

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imagination-is-key-in-my-world · 4 years

Text

Chime

Authors Note: I am 100% a big fan of A Cinderella Story which is what had inspired me to write this piece. I know it has been a long time since I had written anything but a lot has been going on in my life. This story is inspired by my own mental health issues as well as my ultimate dream that Tom Holland would sweep me off my feet. [Do not tell my Fiancé that I told you guys that!] Also, I got a brand-new laptop that has made writing so much more efficient than my iPad. Hopefully, I will be more active on my page. Please feel free to contact me to share your thoughts.

Summary: So, you are currently struggling with anxiety which is not easy as a high school student. Things are not getting easier now that your best friend is leaving to go to another school, leaving you behind to deal with your senior year alone. That is how you feel every day – alone. But your life suddenly changes when you stumble across an app that allows people to chat anonymously with people who share similar interests without sharing too much. Only you did not expect that this new app would take over your life and provide you with someone who you no longer think you could cope without. But who is on the other end of the phone?

Warning: Possible swearing and mental health triggers.

Pairing: Reader x Tom Holland

Word Count: 6,758

Counting the dew drops on the window was getting completely tedious at this point. There you sat in complete silence for what must have been a couple of minutes. But to you, it had felt like hours, if not days. Not that you were being dramatic at all.

You are not exactly the type of person who many people would typically associate with the nature of popularity. You did not have that many followers on your social media accounts. Therefore, it should not have been that surprising that your phone was not “blowing” up with notifications at this time of day.

Your best friend Cleo always told you that if you wanted to make something of your life, you needed to leave the house for more than just school.

“But!” You would always protest, “everything I need is right here.” Cleo was one member of a small social group that you bothered with both in and outside of school. When it came to forming groups in class, all your teachers knew that you needed to be put with a friend or you would be catastrophically unresponsive with a slight hint of a mini meltdown beginning to form.

The thing is you suffer with a high level of anxiety when it comes to meeting and conversing with people outside of your friendship circle. To make matters worse, the whole school was aware of this problem and would constantly tease and mimic the blubbering mess you turned into when you had to answer a question in the middle of class. There would be pointing as well as laughing as you would literally shake and break a sweat in front of everyone. Let us just say, this may have been one of the many reasons that your group only had 5 members and that includes you and queen Cleo.

The phone chimed and it shook you from your thoughts. When you finally unlocked it, you noticed that it was only Cleo cancelling on you yet again. Earlier that evening you had asked Cleo to come over and discuss the nature of Cleo moving schools in the fall. Both of you were meant to discuss how you personally were going to cope with the everyday torment and painful endeavours that was a big part of school life. But from that disappointed look on your face, it was obvious that Cleo was only blowing you off to spend more time with her new boyfriend.

“Knock knock” Your mother stated as she blatantly barged into your room. “Hey baby, I’m going to the store do you need anything at all?” As per usual you would shake your head and try not to make any eye contact with your mother at all. “Okay, well make sure that you feed the dog for me while I am gone and try and get some sun, you’re looking a little pale, baby.”

It was typical of your mother to attempt to force you out of your comfort zone. It was getting quite embarrassing for her at the teacher/parent evenings when she was called in to discuss another “issue.” It is not like you do not want to make more of an effort in class and with people, it just does not come as easy to you as it may for everyone else. The idea of people hearing you call out an answer in class and have it been wrong is absolutely devastating and crucifying for you.

You picked up your phone and decided that Facebook was worth one last scroll through before you decide that it was worthless and throw your phone back onto the bed for the 14th time that day. You were scrolling away half-heartedly, not really reading through the posts that people had shared as it was probably the same drama that it always was. It was as you thought, but suddenly your mind decided to switch back on when it reached a pop up that you would typically ignore. “Attention all Introverts.” Obviously, this caught your attention, it was in freaking bold print. You cannot ignore anything when it is in bold print! Clicking on the link, you decided to curiously read on.

“Attention all Introverts,

Have you ever felt lonely and isolated? Well this is the app for you. Become anyone you want to be, talk to anyone you would like – with total anonymity.

[This app gives you the confidence to express yourself to total strangers without the fear of judgements. If you are terrified of being vulnerable around other people while being your true self, then this is the app for you]”

Of course, you were sceptical at first but that was when you remembered how difficult it was to be your friend, relative and even teacher. Then before you could even stop yourself, you clicked onto the app and the download began. Nothing happened at all, other than the app appearing onto your phone’s home screen amongst other apps like Tumblr and Facebook. But you just thought there was going to be a sudden flash of lightning and you would be overwhelmed with confidence like you see in the movies. However, this was not the movies, this was your life and there you sat on the edge of your bed still shaking like a leaf.

It took you about half an hour to install all of your relevant information into the app. Mostly because you were trying to convince yourself that it was a stupid idea and that you should just delete it straight away. Although there was a faint voice in the back of your head telling you to do it. Part of it sounded like Cleo, while another part of the voice sounded like a stranger to you.

Once you had finished setting up the app, you left your phone on your dresser and walked into the lounge to watch that new episode of Ru Paul’s drag race that you had missed on Netflix. You managed to get through two episodes, a giant bag of Cheetos and a litre of Dr Pepper before crashing out on the sofa.

A loud chime from the bedroom woke you from your slumber. Your mother was sat on the edge of the sofa watching one of her true crime documentaries when she noticed you becoming startled.

“You okay honey?” You wipe your eyes and nod. “Do you want anything to eat or are you all set for bed?”

“Bed.” You mumble as you pick up the rubbish that had surrounded you on your makeshift bed for the afternoon.

“Okay, love you honey.” She called back as you threw away the rubbish into the trash and made your way into your bedroom. You practically fell onto your bed before you remembered the chime that had woken you in the first place. Grasping your phone, you unlocked it hesitantly, shielding your eyes from the brightness behind it to reveal a message from an unknown number. One word, one syllable and one emotion, fear.

‘Hey’

In your head these words kept rolling through your mind. What do I do now? Do I message back or do I leave it alone? Will they think I am ignoring them if I do not reply? Well of course they would, the app has probably notified them that it has been read. You started pacing in your bedroom chanting the words over and over in your head ‘What do I do? What do I do?’

It was almost like a reflex after a while as your fingers typed away.

‘HEY’ Too eager

‘Hiya’ Too girly

‘Hi’ Too blunt

Sup’ Too weird

Each message you typed your anxiety took over and criticised it, controlling your fingers to delete and retype.

‘Hey’ Was the message that you had settled for. It had been almost an hour and a half since you had received the message from Lonerboy101 and you had not even pressed send yet. The message was still sitting in your text box with the curser bouncing away at the end of the sentence.

There was a knock at your door which startled you, causing your fingers to slide across the phone’s screen. “I’m going to bed now Hun, goodnight.”

“Night.” You tried hard to sound cheery but as per usual failed to do so as your mother closed your bedroom door. ‘No, no, no’ you repeated in a small murmur. Fear washed over you as you regretted every minute that it took to write that message and the one milli second that it took to get sent out through the universe to reach this Lonerboy101.

You dropped the phone into your duvet and grabbed the pillow next to you. Bringing the plush cushion up to your face, burying it to let out a light scream.

*Chime*

Lonerboy101 - ‘How long did it take you to write that message. Mine took about 2 hours.’

You reread the message a couple of times because you couldn’t believe that although this person knew you were somewhat ignoring him off when you had initially received his message, he still replied to yours. Not only that but he had made a joke about how long it had taken to send a reply.

It took you a couple of minutes to decide whether you were going to go through with it and message this person back. Or whether you should just back out now and forget that this ever happened.

But that was your phone in your hand and those were your fingers typing a reply.

Hidingintheshadows - ‘About an hour and a half.’

You sent the reply off and almost felt a sudden pang of relief. That this was not as bad as you had originally perceived it to be. That it was almost the same as talking to Cleo or any of the other girls.

*Chime*

Lonerboy101 - ‘So, this is weird right?’

Before you knew it, the delays between the messages decreased quite significantly. There was the standard 3 minutes to think of a response and then another 5 to send the message but the conversation had felt a little less risky compared to how it did at the very start.

Hidingintheshadows - ‘It is a bit weird, I guess.’

Lonerboy101 - ‘So, are you an old creepy guy like me?

Hidingintheshadows - ‘That is a joke, right?’

Lonerboy101 - ‘Yeah it is a joke, sorry very dry sense of humour. Don’t have that many people to try my jokes out on.’

Hidingintheshadows - ‘That’s a relief.’

Lonerboy101 - ‘It’s a relief that I do not have many friends?’

Hidingintheshadows - ‘No! I did not mean that! I am so sorry.’

Lonerboy101 - ‘Another joke. Sorry when I am nervous, I tell bad jokes. I forget that I am not really good at them and text form is really hard to tell tone.’

Hidingintheshadows - ‘Sorry for not being able to tell when you’re joking.’

Lonerboy101 - ‘Don’t worry, you wouldn’t be the first. Although you probably are, I only just downloaded this app today.’

Hidingintheshadows - ‘Same.’

Lonerboy101 - ‘You don’t say [type] much do you?’

Hidingintheshadows - ‘Not really, sorry.’

Lonerboy101 - ‘You know you don’t have to keep apologising to me all the time, right?’

Hidingintheshadows - ‘Oh sorry.’

Lonerboy101 - ‘[insert face palm emoji]’

The last message made you smile. Cleo had always been telling you that you apologise way too much and that it can get annoying. It would get to the point where you would apologise for things you did not do just because it sounded like the right thing to say.

Hidingintheshadows - ‘I will work on it.’

Lonerboy101 - ‘So what brings you to Introverted Conversions?’

Hidingintheshadows - ‘Fear of the world and everyone in it, basically.’

Lonerboy101 - ‘Oh my gosh same!’

Hidingintheshadows - ‘Really?’

Lonerboy101 - ‘No, but I am touched that you still cannot sense my sarcasm.’

Hidingintheshadows - ‘I’ll work on that too.’

Lonerboy101 - ‘Promise?’

Hidingintheshadows - ‘Promise!’

It had almost become a routine for you and Lonerboy101 to talk during the late afternoon and evening. Occasionally, you would get notified in the middle of the day, but he knew that you were not ignoring him and that you had school obligations. No one really knows about him at all, you have done well at keeping this away from Cleo as you knew she would only judge you for it.

‘You’re talking to a stranger online who had admitted he was an old creepy man.’ Even the thought made you laugh. Since the first night, you had discovered a lot about Lonerboy101. Nothing like names and addresses. But more personal stuff like how it feels having crippling anxiety and not having someone who really understands.

***

It was the last day before Cleo left for her new school and you woke up feeling quite comfortable for the first time in a long time. It was almost as if your body has finally gotten used to the idea that the day was going to come that you would need to stand up on your own. It was not a good feeling per say, but it was slightly empowering to know that you could become your own person, instead of being Cleo’s weird friend.

*Chime*

Your heart began to beat rapidly in your chest as you practically dove for the phone on your bed. Only to have it violently shoot back down when the name on your lock screen did not read Lonerboy101.

Cleo – ‘Hey, I am downstairs! Snag me a piece of toast considering you are not exactly going to eat it!’

Every morning your mum would make pancakes, French toast, and scrambled eggs that you could choose from to snack on during your walk to school. Only you are not exactly a French toast and scrambled eggs kind of person and she knows that. It is just her way of trying to make a connection with you early in the day.

You – ‘Be right down, pancakes or French toast?’

You replied as you waved to your mum who was sliding through her emails while nursing a hot mug of coffee. “Hey, Baby! Have a great day at school, okay?” The last part of this routine she does every morning always feels like she is questioning you, making sure that you are aware that a ‘great day at school’ depends 100% on you alone.

*Chime*

Lonerboy101 – ‘Pancakes please. Although, I don’t think they will be any good by the time I receive them!’

‘Oh no!’ You thought. You did not think really think to check the contact that you were on when you sent the message out. You had simply read the lock screen and the most recent person you were chatting to was the person that appeared on the screen.

Quickly you grabbed a pancake and your bags and sulked out the door.

Hidingintheshadows – ‘I am so sorry, that was meant for my friend.’

Lonerboy101 – ‘Are we not friends? I am offended’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘Wait no I mean yes you are, but I do not really know you. God I am sorry…’

Lonerboy101 – ‘Wow! What did I say about the apologising? And what about the whole sarcasm thing? You should now know when I am pulling your chain.’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘Sorry’

Lonerboy101 – ‘No. More. Sorry.’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘Damn, I didn’t mean to I swear.’

Lonerboy101 – ‘Calm, it is okay. Chain. Pulling. But going back to this pancake…’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘What about it?’

Lonerboy101 – ‘You have made me hungry. And now I need to go out and find me a pancake to soothe this carb craving I have going on.’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘Good luck with that.’

Lonerboy101 – ‘Good Luck with school today! Speak to you later! X’

What the heck is that? Fear washed over your face as you met Cleo at the bottom of the stairs to your apartment building.

“Y/N? Are you okay? You look a little pale?” It took everything you had to not blurt out every little secret that you had been keeping about Lonerboy101 to Cleo. To almost get some advice on how to handle this newfound “boy drama” in your life. You open your mouth to begin to spill the beans. “Oh, I know!” Cleo interrupted, “it is because today is my last day and you have no idea how you will survive without me!”

Not quite on the nose but nice to see that your friend really does care about you, while she makes every drama about herself. This was just another typical response from Cleo. One you have put up with for an exceptionally long time. Instead of arguing with your best friend on the beginning of her last day, you decide to just bite your lip and nod.

“It will be okay, sunshine!” A little nickname she gave you when you were both little and in Kindergarten. “We will still have Facetime and we can still meet up during the holidays.” Suddenly you were pulled into a tight embrace as an overexaggerated sigh left her lips. “Now come on mopey.” Yet another nickname that you were given because of your constant state of enthusiasm caused by your mental condition. “Let’s get to school before people forget that they will never see this face walk those halls again.”

Meanwhile in your head the little “X” at the end of Lonerboy101’s latest reply repeatedly flashed across your mind as Cleo droned on about how annoying packing up her extensive collection of shoes and makeup has been for her.

***

It did not matter what lesson you were in, if you were having “a moment” as your mother likes to call it, everything just seems to become pointless. Science was one of your favourite subjects mainly because of the unpredictable experiments that you can perform. But today it just seemed as though someone had placed a weighted scarf on top of your shoulders and told you to “deal with it.”

“Can anyone tell me their findings from their group’s chemical reaction?” All eyes went to you as everyone in the class knew that you were Mr King’s favourite pupil. Mr King was the only teacher that managed to get a response out of you in class. But today, he might as well have been talking to a brick wall.

“Y/N?” This would later be explained to you after class that it was the fifth attempt Mr King had made to pry your attention away from your notebook where you had been filling in the margins with your pen.

When you looked up, there were people gossiping and snickering about what they had just witnessed. “Can I see you after class?” Mr King had asked once he regained the focus of the class.

This was not the first time that a teacher had asked to speak with you after class. Especially Mr King. Not that he made a habit to discipline you outside of lesson, but because he was always concerned about how you were feeling after you had one of you “moments.”

“What is going on, Y/N? Do I need to call your mother?” He did not say it in a stern way that other teachers would have. But for him, it was more of a genuine question for your own personal well-being. “Some of the other teacher’s approached me today in the teacher’s lounge to discuss you. They said that you have been unresponsive all day. I heard that Cleo is leaving today, does that have anything to do with how you’re coping with today?”

You shook your head. “Cleo has nothing to do with it!” You snapped, and you never snap which startled Mr King. “I’m sorry.” You whispered when you saw how set back, he was from your reply. “I just do not know what to do anymore.”

“With what?” He perched on the edge of his desk. Holding his hand up to stop the next class from entering the classroom. “What is getting to you? I can see if I can help?” While most teachers would just shrug you off, Mr King tried to get down to the root problem to help you resolve any issue that you may be having during the day. This was because Mr King had made you aware that his daughter too suffers from major anxiety issues as well.

“It’s stupid, I should not have said anything. I will be okay, Mr King.” You gathered your books from the table and stuffed them into the oversized backpack that was now slung over your shoulder. “Can you quickly write me a note for Mrs Bateman? I do not want the teachers to have more of a reason to talk about me.”

Mr King picked up a pad and pen and began to write a note excusing you for your lateness. “It will get better, Y/N. I am here whenever you need a chat, okay?” He handed you the note and you basically bolted out of the room.

Although you felt bad for being short with Mr King, you could not quite help it. It was not as if you could simply come out and tell him that you were not upset because your best friend for 16 years was now leaving you behind. But it was all down to an “X” placed on the end of a text message from a boy you have not met but have been talking to for 3 weeks non-stop!

***

You slowly approached the lunch table that you and your friends sat at during every lunch since you had started at the school. They were all laughing and joking which did slightly lift your spirits. Cleo had turned to look over her shoulder and noticed your arrival. The smile on her face had sank and the laughing at the table had died along with it.

“Hey Y/N!” Cleo tried to sound pleased to see you but you knew something was up. Since when was Cleo being false with you? She normally reserved that type of “hey” for the girls that talk about how amazing they are.

Sinking down into the spare chair that has been yours for years at the table you tried to force a smile. “So, we were all thinking…” Instantly you hated where this was going. “That it would be really fun to all go to the dance tonight as a final farewell to Cleo!” The girls shrieked as Hannah finished her sentence. A dance was the last place you wanted to be. Today of all days.

The girls all looked at you for your response. “A dance?” The girls all squealed again in unison, practically bouncing in their seats.

“Don’t you think it would be fun.” Hannah stated rather than asked.

“Dances aren’t really my thing.” You said hesitantly. The last thing you wanted to do was to annoy any of the friends that you had left. Especially considering how they were going to be the ones you would now have to rely on once Cleo had left.

“Nothing is really your thing!” Elizabeth snickered. Cleo’s death stare shot over to Liz and her head instantly fell. So that’s why Cleo was so weird when you came over. It was because she knew that you were not exactly going to be over the moon with the new plan for Cleo’s last day celebration. Before lunch, the plan was to go bowling and then get pizza. A less daunting but still hard to stomach plan. This new plan involved dressing up and trying to socialise with people who were not exactly the nicest to you.

“Y/N, it is completely up to you. We can go to the dance and party it up like it is the last day we are going to be alive. Or we can just go and get pizza and knock over a couple of pins with an over weighted bowling ball.” When Cleo said it like that, neither sounded appealing. But it was obvious the way that she laid it out that the dance was the one event she was going to be happy attending tonight.

“Can I think about it?” The girls all sighed and Callum shook you by the shoulders. Literally shook you as if physically moving your body was somehow going to make you change your mind. “Ow!”

“Callum! Do not do that!” Cleo yelled at her boyfriend. At least she was still defending you even if she was trying to push you to do something that made you uncomfortable. It was almost as if she defended you to make you reconsider. “Just one little dance? We can go whenever you want and stay however long you want.” Her puppy dog eyes were out and her hands were clasped in front of her.

Along with your crippling fear of being around other people, your anxiety also made you hate disappointing those that you care about. “Fine.” Was all you managed to say before all the girls and Callum began to cheer. At least he did not try to shake you again otherwise you thought you may physically puke from excessive unwanted physical contact.

While all the others were discussing what they were going to wear, you reached for your phone and began to contact the only person on the planet who didn’t make you feel like you were wrong for feeling this type of way.

Hidingintheshadows – ‘Have you ever been forced to do something you don’t really want do because your friends want you to?’

You debated for a couple of seconds before adding your own “X” onto the end of your text.

Your phone vibrated in your hand. Thank God you had turned the volume off when you got to school. Cleo would not have left you alone for one second if she knew you were texting a guy.

Lonerboy101 – ‘Who is making you do something? What something? Is it illegal? X’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘1. Nothing illegal. 2. Friends and 3. Go to a stupid high school dance where I will be uncomfortable for the entire evening. X’

Lonerboy101 – ‘That wasn’t the order that I put my questions in. X’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘I thought I would start with the one that could get me in a jail cell! X’

Lonerboy101 – ‘I’ve got this feeling that you’d rock an orange jumpsuit so you would be fine. Although the lack of our communication would be quite unsettling. X’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘I think I will cope. X’

Lonerboy101 – ‘I was talking about me! I look forward to my Chime every day. X’

You could not help but blush when you read that last part of his message. You could not bring yourself to message him back stating that it was also your highlight of the day too. Lonerboy101 has become a big part of your life and that was quite hard to admit considering you did not know his name or what he even looked like. You barely even knew the boy and yet it felt as though you knew everything there was to know about him.

Lonerboy101 – ‘Sorry was that weird? Let us get back to the problem at hand… A party was not it? X’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘No and my friend is leaving and I do not want to be mean and not turn up to her “leaving do” but I do not think I will be able to cope with that many people. Especially because they all think that I am a freak. X’

Lonerboy101 – ‘When is the party? You are not a freak by the way. Might I just add that is the longest text you have ever sent. X’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘Tonight, at school. I do not want to go and be the joke of the party. X’

Lonerboy101 – ‘This is a tough one. I can be there if you want. For moral support. X’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘You can’t obviously turn up to a school that you don’t go to just to attend a stupid dance. X’

Lonerboy101 – ‘I’ll be a virtual guest. You can text me whenever you think that it is getting too much and I will use my powers of persuasion to lift those spirits and put a smile on your beautiful face. X’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘How can you say I am beautiful. You have never even seen me? X’

Lonerboy101 – ‘I see the beauty in everything. But you, you are something much more. X’

***

“You cannot wear that!” Cleo snapped when she saw the outdated and over worn outfit that you were wearing on your body. “No this will not do.” Lucky enough for her, your mother and Cleo are quite close. Closer than you are to your own mother. “Leanne! Come and tell your daughter that this is terrible and that she cannot wear this to a school dance.”

Within seconds your mother was in your room judging the clothes that she paid for that you were wearing. “No baby girl, this is your first dance. There is no way in hell I am going to let you leave this apartment building wearing that.”

Your mother’s hand was now grasped around your wrist and you were being dragged into your mother’s bedroom. “Now try this on.” In her hand she was holding a long black dress with a sequin detail at the top of the bust. She could tell that you were resistant so she pulled you in front of the wall length mirror and placed the garment up to your neck.

You could not deny that it was a very pretty dress. One that you would love to wear in a different circumstance. The whole idea of you attending a dance had still not sunk in yet. “Mum I couldn’t pull this off!” You exclaimed. Jeans and a tea shirt were more your speed.

“No Sunshine, you are most definitely wearing this now that I have seen it.” Cleo was practically foaming at the mouth the minute she saw this dress. You were sure that if your mother had not offered it to you first that she would have snagged the dress up for herself. “Right now, hair and makeup.” She slapped her hands together and both your mother and best friend stared at you with excitement in their eyes. Which only put the fear of God into yours.

***

The dance was as horrible as you thought it was going to be. There was loads of people staring at you. One of the girls from your English class even asked a friend of hers if you were a new student at the school. Shows how invisible you were before your boobs were pushed up to your neck and eyeliner was thickly applied to your eyes.

Although this was a new experience for you, to have all eyes on you for a different reason that being the weird girl from school. It was not an experience that you enjoyed at all. High school was nothing but a gossip forum where girls pick on other girls for being themselves or for being slightly different than them. For caring less about how much their bag cost and caring more about why their grade in English was lower than French.

Your friends were all on the dance floor which sadly left you on your lonesome at the back of the decked-out gym.

*Chime*

Lonerboy101 – ‘Please tell me you are having fun now? X’

You smiled. Seeing his name pop up on your screen was possibly the only thing that made you smile tonight.

Hidingintheshadows – ‘Nope. Everyone is staring at me. X’

Lonerboy101 – ‘They are only staring because they are jealous. X’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘What could they possibly be jealous of? X’

Lonerboy101 – ‘Well I bet you look absolutely beautiful tonight. X’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘You couldn’t possibly know that? X’

There had been a couple of minutes since Lonerboy101 had messaged back and that smile you had previously been wearing was starting to fade. You glanced down to look at the time on your phone, 22:14. You let out a relieved sigh, at least you stuck around for over 2 hours.

Grabbing your bag, you began to sculk about the dance floor to try and find Cleo and the other girls to deliver the “bad news.” Cleo was locked onto Callum as they shared a slow dance to one of the most upbeat songs you have ever heard. This immediately made finding Cleo a hell of a lot easier.

“I am going to head off now.” You detached Cleo from her boyfriend which left him both grumpy and a little annoyed at you. Cleo gave you a less than enthusiastic hug before quickly turning back to Callum. “Bye then.” You said when she did not say anything back to you.

It was cold outside which instantly made you regret the dress and the heels made the idea of walking all the way home even more thrilling than you could imagine. Glancing down to check the time once again, you noticed a message featuring on your lock screen. You must have not heard it with all the music when you were saying goodbye to Cleo and the girls.

Lonerboy101 – ‘Wanna bet? X’

Everyone outside the gym began to suddenly gasp. All of them were looking in a similar direction. For once all the eyes were off you and that made you feel a hell of a lot better than you had all night.

Hidingintheshadows – ‘I will take that bet. You cannot comment on something you cannot see. X’

“Then maybe you should step out of the shadows and see what I can see right now.” This voice was strangely familiar but not familiar in a way that you had heard Mr King’s voice almost every day. It was familiar because you had heard it from somewhere, but you were unsure of where. “Because what I see is 100% beautiful just like I had predicted.”

The crowd of people started to open as the voice got nearer and nearer. There were girls practically peeing their pants with excitement. Cleo had appeared with the girls and practically everyone from whom were inside the gym. Suddenly, this voice had become the talk of the whole dance and now all the attention was right back on you again.

There was now a stunning familiar face to match the familiar voice standing right in front of you. One that you would never have believed to have been stood there. It was his smile that you caught first when he looked at you in that long black dress. His eyes lingered on you for a while before you both realised that it had been quite some time that slipped away since either one of you had spoken.

“Lonerboy101?” You asked quietly. Not really wanting anyone to hear how speechless you really were.

“Guilty.” There in front of you stood the one and only Tom Holland. The freaking man who brought you Spiderman, Ian Lightfoot, and Lucas in the movie The Impossible. He was Lonerboy101, how was that even possible?

It suddenly dawned on you that everyone and that honestly was everyone was now staring at the pair of you who were staring at one another. “Maybe we should go over there?” Tom had suggested to get away from prying eyes.

Once you were both certain that there were not any lingering eyes, your protection walls started to drop ever so slightly. “You’re the person I have been talking to for 3 weeks? You’re Lonerboy101?”

“Yes. I am Lonerboy101, but if I am being quite honest, Tom will do fine.” He joked which did make you feel only a small degree better. For all this time you had been talking to Tom Holland and you had no inclination that it was happening. “I wanted to tell you who I was, but it was so amazing to have someone to talk to who didn’t see me as this guy who acts for a living and attends red carpet events, you know?”

You did not know of course. “I am not mad. But why would you tell me you have anxiety issues when you do not?” You sighed and started to look at the shine from the diamonds reflecting from your heels. “Was it a way to make fun of me?”

Quickly Tom grasped your hands without thinking. “No!” He spoke urgently but delicately as if he did not want to put his foot in his mouth and make the situation worse. Truth be told Tom was expecting this whole revelation to go a little differently. The sombre look on your face was not the result that he had wanted from showing up at your school. “I never did it to make fun of you or anyone who suffers with anxiety. Truth be told I do suffer with it. Not as bad as most people, but I have days where I wonder if my friends are my true friends because they like me or because they like what I can give them.”

“I want you to know that every message that I ever sent you, I was being the real me. None of it was an act or fake for me.” Tom’s head was not facing down, almost defeated. “From talking to you I knew that you were the most honest and kindest person that I could possibly ever get to know.”

“Can I ask you something?” Your voice was soft and shaky as if you were afraid of the response that you were going to receive.

“Anything.” He was almost pleading. His voice as shaky as your own.

“How did you know who I was and what I looked like?” Tom looked you dead in the eyes. You could see the sincerity in his eyes and how much he wanted this to go right. “You knew to come right up to me, out of all the girls in the world. You knew to come to my school and then up to me, how?”

Tom let out a little smile. “Well, you know that section on the app right at the beginning?” You nod keeping eye contact as he continued to speak. “Well when it asks you for a name, you can keep it blank and then put in a username instead. You actually put in all of your details and made them public.”

“Oh!” You stated feeling stupid for doing so. This entire time he knew exactly who you were while you had no clue that you were talking to a celebrity.

“No, it was a good thing.”

“How?” You question. Doubting that knowing who you were was ever a “good thing.”

“Because, I felt really lucky to be talking to you. I saw how beautiful you were and how smart you are as well as how kind you can be.” You were quiet. You were not used to guys calling you beautiful, and here he was saying it for what must have been the 3rd time since you met him. “If it makes you feel any better, I only looked you up yesterday. I was worried when you did not answer my message and temptation got the best of me and I peaked. Are you mad?”

“No. I am not mad.”

“Would it help if I said sorry?”

“What did you say about saying sorry?” You smiled which made the flash of panic rush from his face. The corners of his mouth started to turn up and his eyes sparkled.

“Yeah but on me it looks cute.” Both of you allow yourselves to laugh at the situation. Remembering some of your earlier messages. “Would it be too much to ask for a hug?” He looked down at your hands which were no longer scrunched into fists which proved that you were no longer as uncomfortable as you may have been from the first encounter.

You allow yourself to smile as he pulls you into his arms. “It is exactly how I imagined it.” Tom said into your hair as he held you close to him.

“What is?” You questioned

“That I would be only just taller than you when you’re wearing heels.” Both of you let out a controlled laugh at his terrible attempt at a joke. “You don’t actually want to go back in there do you?” Tom gestured towards the gym that probably did not hold any students inside due to his arrival.

“I am not going back inside there! But thanks for wearing a suit for me.” You pull away slightly to admire the suit that Tom was pulling off handsomely.

“Anything for my girl.”

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unfolded73 · 7 years

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Since you're taking prompts, maybe a future fic when little Swan-Jones somehow learns a thing or two about dad's past and Killian has to figure out a way to explain it in a way his kid will understand. (I know this is probably random, but it seems like something you would write really well based on other stories of yours I've read.)

My first thought was, I’ve already written this! (A Sad, Sad Place Without You) But I very quickly realized that there are more angles to tell this kind of story from, and no shortage of things for Maureen to find out about. Plus, I was able to use a tiny orphaned snippet of a Charming/Maureen conversation that I didn’t know what to do with, which makes me happy.

FYI, Maureen is my invented Swan-Jones daughter who predates the canon pregnancy, so some of the stories about her are consistent with S7 and some aren’t. Rated G, ~2300 words.

David found Maureen on the swing he’d hung from a big, old tree on the property years ago. She’d kicked off her sneakers, and despite the chilly air was swinging back and forth barefoot, leaning back so that her hair dragged through the dirt, her fists clutching the weathered rope.

“I wondered where you’d gotten to,” he said, and at the sound of his voice, his ten-year-old granddaughter pulled herself upright, slowing with a drag of her heels against the ground. She was dirt from head to toe, as usual.

“I wanted to swing,” she said.

“Well,” he said, leaning against the tree, “I’m glad you’re getting some use out of it. Neal’s too old for it now.”

Maureen narrowed her eyes. “That’s stupid. There’s no reason to grow out of swinging.”

“You make a compelling point.” He crossed his arms. “In any case, your parents will be here to pick you up soon, so you should probably come back up to the house and get cleaned up.”

Rolling her eyes, she pushed back with her legs and started swinging again.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“It must be something, Mo.” He flinched. “Sorry, Maureen.” She’d announced at her tenth birthday party the previous month that she didn’t like her nickname anymore, and wouldn’t answer to it or to any of the other pet names Killian had for her.

She scowled, stopping her momentum again with her bare feet. “My dad killed people, you know.”

David took a startled step back at that non-sequitur. “What are you talking about?” he asked cautiously, not knowing exactly what she knew.

“I used to think being a pirate meant sailing around where you wanted, maybe stealing gold from people who didn’t deserve so much gold.” She screwed up her face, and David could tell she was near tears. “But he was a villain. He hurt people.”

Still uncertain if this was a conclusion she’d drawn about pirates in general or if she’d gleaned specific information about her father, David spoke carefully. “Your father only became a pirate because an evil king caused the death of his brother--”

“I know that story,” she interrupted. “Doesn’t mean he didn’t do really bad stuff though.”

David walked over and knelt on the ground in front of Maureen, gripping the ropes of the swing in his hands. “I know, sweetheart, but your father has been a good man for a very long time. A hero. A man I’m proud is part of my family.”

“Heroes aren’t supposed to kill people.”

A sudden image of his own wife after she’d killed Cora, more distraught than he’d ever seen her, flashed in David’s mind. Heroes aren’t supposed to kill people.

“Did something happen, Maureen? What’s got you thinking about this all of a sudden?”

She scuffed her feet in the dirt, kicking some of it onto David’s blue jeans. “I heard them talking.”

“Who?”

“Mom and Dad. I heard him say he killed his father.”

And mine, David thought traitorously. He’d forgiven Killian long ago for that, but it still struck him at odd times, that his closest buddy, his daughter’s true love, the father of this wonderful girl in front of him was responsible for such a life-altering crime from so long ago.

“I heard him tell Mom that he’d dreamed again of the night he killed his father. They didn’t know I was listening. And I just started to think about pirates, and I realized he probably killed other people too. I don’t know why I never thought of that before.”

“Because he’s your dad,” David said. “Killian’s father was not a good man. He abandoned his own children when Killian was no older than you are now. I know it’s hard to understand--”

Maureen didn’t seem to even hear him and was working herself up into hysterics. “He lived for a really long time as a pirate, he told me. Two hundred years. How can he make up for being a villain by being a hero now? There isn’t enough time!”

David reached out and stroked her cheek, catching one of her tears on his thumb. “It doesn’t work that way. Your dad doesn’t have to balance out the years when he was a villain with the same number of years as a hero before his slate is clean. What matters is that he’s a good man now, and because of that, we forgive him for things that happened in his past. It’s an act of generosity to forgive someone who’s worked to be a better person. An act of grace.”

Brow furrowed, Maureen tried to puzzle that out. “When did you forgive him?”

David thought about that, uncertain how to answer. It had been a gradual thing that happened in stages, with a few rough patches between where they’d started and where they were now, but that wasn’t what Maureen wanted to hear. “Have you ever heard the story of Queen Elsa?”

She nodded.

“When Queen Elsa came to town, she was afraid that the people here had done something to hurt her sister Anna, and it made it difficult for her to control her powers.”

“Ice powers?” Maureen asked quickly, and he could see a spark of excitement in her eyes underneath the worry.

“Yes, ice powers. So for a little while, your mom was in danger, because she was trapped with Elsa, and it was very, very cold.” He took a deep breath. “I was with your dad, and he fought so hard to get her out of that ice. I think he would have chipped at the ice with his hook until he collapsed from exhaustion. That was when I realized how much he loved your mom, and I guess I forgave him then.” It wasn’t the whole truth, but it was true enough for the sake of what he was trying to communicate. It was certainly one of many times that he’d seen the man’s love for Emma shining out like a beacon in the dark of night.

“And once someone’s forgiven, the bad stuff they did doesn’t matter?” she asked, wiping at the tears on her face and hopelessly smearing her cheeks with more dirt.

“I wouldn’t say it doesn’t matter, but… you move on from it. Maybe you don’t forget. Just like your dad has never forgotten the things he’s done. But you turn the page, and you live on.” He thought about Rumple and Killian, Regina and Zelena. So many people in his life had been granted forgiveness for so much. Perhaps they didn’t deserve it, but in the end, what would it have benefited anyone to hold grudges? How would it have done anything but keep those people back from achieving the good they’d achieved?

Maureen hopped off of the swing, and he pulled her into a hug. “Just know that there are few people in this world that I trust more than your father to protect the people we love. And that’s been true for many years. Okay?”

She nodded against his chest, sniffling. “Okay.”

“All right, young miss, let’s get you inside and cleaned up.” Maureen picked up her shoes and ran toward the farmhouse while David followed after her at a more sedate pace.

~*~

“Okay, Dad. Thanks.”

Killian looked up from his book, seeing Emma in the doorway by their bed, slipping her phone back in her pocket. He sat in the wingback chair he’d positioned next to the large ocean-facing windows of their bedroom years ago. It had become his favorite place to sit of late to enjoy the salt-tinged breeze, even as the temperatures were dropping and it was becoming less pleasant to leave the windows open.

“Hey, is Mo still in the shower?” she asked.

“Aye,” he said, tilting his head toward their bathroom. Their daughter had recently switched from baths to showers, but annoyingly she insisted on using their bathroom instead of the one next to her room. That bathroom creeps me out, she said, although Killian could find absolutely nothing to justify such a statement.

“We’re going to need to talk to her. Dad said she overheard us talking about Brennan last night.” Emma refused to honor the man who’d fathered Killian with the title, choosing to refer to him by his name. She may have never known the man, but it didn’t stop her from despising him.

Killian’s heart plummeted. “Dammit.”

“That’s not all. I guess it got her thinking about pirates and villainy and murder and I don’t even know what all, but she was upset. Dad did his best to comfort her and it sounds like he did a bang-up job, but we’re going to need to talk to her.” She stepped up next to the chair and combed her fingers through his hair, her nails scraping pleasantly against his scalp.

“I knew this day would come eventually,” he sighed. “I just wish I knew what to say. There’s nothing to justify some of the things I did.”

Emma continued to stroke his hair. “Do you want me to be here, or should I let you talk to her by yourself?”

He looked up at her gratefully for thinking to ask. “I think I’d rather talk to her by myself unless you think that would do more damage.”

“Of course it won’t.” She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “I’ll be downstairs if you need me.”

His daughter appeared from the steam-filled bathroom a few minutes later, wearing baggy, plaid pajama pants and a plain t-shirt, her hair a wet and uncombed riot. She had a drawer full of pink and purple nightgowns and girly pajamas -- gifts from her Grandma Snow that she had never worn.

“Would you like me to comb your hair, love?” he asked gently, seeking any sign of her emotional state on her face. He expected Maureen to say no (these days she wanted to do everything herself), but she nodded.

Killian reached over and grabbed Emma’s brush off the dresser, beckoning his daughter closer with his hook. Without a word, she positioned herself with her back to him, and he sat forward in the chair and began to gently work the tangles out from the bottom, his hook pressed above where he was brushing to keep from pulling at Maureen’s scalp.

“I fear I’ve made an error with you, darling, telling you so many exciting stories about being a pirate and leaving out the less savory aspects of my former life,” he said, clearing his throat around the lump that was already forming. The last thing in the world that he wanted was for any of his past mistakes to cause his daughter pain. He’d die a thousand deaths to spare her that if he could.

Maureen’s shoulders tensed but she said nothing.

“I can’t lie to you; I was a villain, and I made many mistakes in service of seeking vengeance against someone who had wronged me.”

“Rumpelstiltskin,” she supplied. She didn’t know Rumple; he and Belle and Gideon had left Storybrooke to travel the realms before Maureen had been born. And of course, Maureen had asked Emma years ago why her father had only one hand. Emma had told as sanitized a version of the story as she could, just as he had once done the same when Maureen learned that he’d died. Too many terrible tales haunted their pasts, he thought.

“I hated my father. He abandoned me and Liam when we were boys, leaving us indentured to a ship--”

“What’s ‘indentured’?” she asked.

He sighed. “It’s almost like being a slave, but the difference is there is a chance to buy your way to freedom, although it’s very difficult.”

Maureen whirled around. “You were a slave?”

“Not exactly, darling, but near enough.” He coaxed her to turn around again so he could continue working on her hair. “I never forgave my father for that, although perhaps I should have. So when the chance arose and killing him would get me closer to my goal, I accepted a devil’s bargain and I orphaned your other uncle Liam.” He left Regina’s involvement out. He didn’t know when or if she might return to Storybrooke, but he didn’t want to bias his daughter against someone who was an integral part of the family. “He was a bad man, but it was a mistake and I regret it.” Most of the tangles gone, he ran the brush down the length of Maureen’s hair. “I regret many things that I’ve done, and I work every day to be a man worthy of this family. Worthy of being your father.”

“You are,” she said in a small, trembling voice. Setting the brush aside, he coaxed her onto his lap so that he could hold her. She didn’t fit the way she used to, all long limbs and angles, and he shuddered to imagine the woman she would start to bloom into in only a few short years. His days of holding her like this were numbered.

“I apologize that my past deeds have made you upset. And I apologize that I wasn’t more honest with you.” Her wet hair was cold against his cheek, and he turned and pressed his lips to her head.

“It’s okay, Dad.”

“I love you, Mo.”

“Maureen,” she corrected, but there was no heat in it, and she wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly.

“Maureen,” he responded, hugging her back, his eyes squeezing shut against tears that threatened to spill over.

“I’m glad you’re a good man now.”

“Me too, love.”

#maureen swan jones fic #daddy killian fic #grandpa charming fic #cs ff #captain swan ff #my fic #my prompt fic #once-uponacaptain

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darklingichor · 7 years

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Observations about one of my go to shows

I have a few shows I tend to watch regularly either just because or as background noise. Friends, Fraiser, HIMYM (before it got tedious) Futurama, and NCIS. I usually don't get into cop shows but I liked all the characters on NCIS and I will stick with a show, or a book series for a long time if I like the characters, even if the plots are so-so or not my usual taste.

Hell, I read the In Death series (mysteries, but heavy on the romance) for years even though I'm not really into romance because I liked the way the characters were written.

I will usually drop a series if enough original characters either leave or are killed off, things get so boring that even good characters can't save it, or enough people start acting suddenly OOC. With the In Death books it was a combo of the second and the third reasons. The main characters were starting to be parodies of what they were in earlier books, and the plots became so formulaic that you could tell what kind of story you were going to get by the end of the first page.

If the book started with the main character Det. Eve Dallas at a crime scene then you were going to get a mystery story focused on getting the bad guy. On the side there would be stuff involving her husband and friends. If the book opened with Eve and her husband Rourke together in social or domestic situation, you would still get a mystery but the main focus of the book would be a melodramatic fight between husband and wife that would leave Eve distracted and fighting to stay on task and catch the bad guy. Considering that when I stopped reading there were 29 books and short stories in the series, Eve and Rourke had only been married for two years and this pattern started somewhere around book 15, the number of huge relationship rattling fights these two had should have sent them into counseling. I gave up.

NCIS is another one I am giving up on partly because most of the original characters, or long term characters have left the show and because of a surprising reason that isn't in my normal list. I'm kinda tired of them killing off women just because the actresses want to leave the show... I mean the creators have never come out and said it, but it is true! If an actor is a chick they better stay for the duration, or not be a side character because you are not allowed to own a vagina and leave that show alive! And what is weird about this is that I have not seen anything online talking about it. I mean, this is the internet, everyone talks about everything but no one has noticed this?

I'm going to list all of the female characters they have killed off as of season 13 (I think that's where I stopped) If you are currently watching the show, and are not to season 13, spoilers. And if you don't watch the show, this list will mean nothing to you, sorry!

Let's start at the start.

1. Special Agent Caitlin Todd -Shot in the head by a double agent.

The actress had decided to leave at the end of the second season

2. Special Agent Paula Cassidy - Blown up by a suicide bomber

I think they just killed this character for plot reasons, she only showed up once a season.

3. Director Jenny Shepard - Shoot out with Russian spies, but was also dying of some degenerative disease.

The actress wanted to pursue other roles

4. Special Agent Michelle Lee - Shot while Gibbs was trying to stop a kidnapper/murder.

Again, I think this was just for plot reasons. Lee was working with the bad guy because he had kidnapped her little sister.

5. Special Agent Lara Macy - Killed by a drug cartel trying to throw Gibbs off balance.

This one is a cheat since she was a cross over character but like, Paula Cassidy, I am counting her because she was important to a member of the main team (Gibbs) Paula was important to Tony.

6. Jackie Vance (Director Vance's. Wife) - Killed when a hit was carried out on Eli David who was at the director's house.

I think the actress was pregnant. Leading up to her last episode she was always holding something in front of her stomach.

7. Diane Sterling (Gibbs and Fornell' s ex-wife) - Shot by the brother of the guy who killed Kate

Don't know why they killed her off, plot wise, it could have been any woman that had been important to Gibbs.

8. Special Agent Ziva David - Killed by a bomb that was launched at her house in Isreal.

The actress left at the end of the season before they killed the character off to move closer to her family. When she left the the show's producers said that they weren't going to kill Ziva because trey wanted her to come back for guest spots. Apparently, the actress said that she didn't like their plans for Ziva, that they were going to turn her into a bitter woman and until they gave Ziva a story that would be keeping with the character she wouldn't come back. So, naturally they kill off the trained assassin by tossing a bomb on her house and killing her in her sleep.

9 & 10 - Shannon and Kelly Gibbs - Killed by a drug cartel.

Yeah, this one happened before the show started but starting in the 3rd season these two characters are so woven into the story that it would be weird not to include them.

10 main, reoccuring, or influential female characters all killed off. As opposed to 6 guys who were killed off (I'm not counting Ducky's mom or Gibbs's dad because the actors who played them passed away and I'm not counting bad guys. Lee was an exception because she wasn't bad so much as desperate).

And now the actress that plays Abby is going to leave and the show is saying that they have a special farewell in store for her. Wanna bet it ends with her in autopsy, cut open like she was in the dream that made her afraid of autopsy? She won't be able to just leave, not with her having those pesky girly parts.

#ncis #in death books #jdrobb #rant #women #character death #books #television

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secretgamergirl · 7 years

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A Random Roundup of Surprisingly Positive Trans Portrayals

Over the last half a year or so, I’ve run across a number of bits of media I’ve come across which blindsided me with trans characters that rang pretty true. Every time, I was tempted to sit down and write a proper review, but other things were going on, so I’m just going to sit down and bite the bullet with a collection of relatively quick takes.

So let’s start off with Swiss Army Man. It’s an indie film, but it caught on a bit with wider audiences thanks to, well, the titular character being the magical farting corpse of Daniel Radcliffe. Odds are you’ve at least heard of it, but at least no one I’ve talked to about it had any idea there was anything trans-related in there, so you might be thinking I’m reading into it. Quite the opposite. The main character is, with absolutely no ambiguity about it, a closeted trans woman, and the entire plot of the movie is directly about her coming to terms with that, learning to accept herself, and stop worrying about everyone judging her so she can transition already (which she’s heavily implied to do just after the credits roll. A lot of this is subtext, but plenty of it is just plain text. I mean, halfway through the movie she starts dressing as a particular woman she sees as a rolemodel and getting lost in very girly fantasies, and these are specifically presented as her only really happy memories in a later life-flashing-before-her-eyes sort of scene. I’d really recommend watching the whole thing yourself, since hey, it’s a funny uplifting heartfelt movie (if requiring a trigger warning on suicidal imagery) but here’s someone else’s spoiler filled, inconsistently gendering explanation of a good chunk of the trans imagery.

Somehow though, all this gets lost on a huge chunk of the audience. Including most professional reviewers, even ones for LGBTQIA-focused media outlets. I read one shortly after watching it which stubbornly insisted it was trying to convey that the main character was a gay man through a bizarre metaphor that didn’t work. I’m tempted to call that one willful ignorance, but it IS to be fair one of those movies that plays around with an unreliable narrator and an odd mix of grounded reality, obvious fantasy, and supernatural elements that are hard to fit in either of those boxes. As someone who takes in a lot of that sort of thing, my personal takeaway is that while the main character is just imagining the corpse talking as an imaginary friend to cope with her suicidal loneliness, it does seem to be, within the observable reality of the movie, a legitimately magical corpse full of hyper-compressed Gyo gas. And a metaphor about shame. The main character being trans though is completely unambiguous and clear through every possible prism.

I do find it interesting though that on the commentary track, the pair of writer-directors responsible for it fail to directly refer to the main character’s womanhood, mostly just talking about her loneliness, and how relatable it is. So, blatant as the nature of the movie is, this may be a case of closeted trans women creating a story about a closeted trans woman without even realizing it.

Next we have a Korean film I stumbled across on Netflix with the unfortunate title of Man on High Heels, which I have to assume is trying to riff on Man on Fire or something similar. It’s about a tough martial arts action figure sort of cop who ignores procedure and beats confessions out of crime lords, who’s even more respected in the underworld for being such a stone cold badass than by the police force who has a pretty easy job accordingly. Who is, again, a closeted trans woman. This one I went into expecting to cringe a bit at a weird exploitation action comedy, but it plays the premise completely straight. When the movie starts, she’s been walking that knife edge for a while of starting HRT, buying a new wardrobe, and practicing with makeup, while still very much in the closet, and the main thrust of the drama is her trying to scrape up enough cash for The Surgery while trying to preserve her tough macho action legacy, and generally fumbling, with fellow cops thinking she has a drug problem and mobster fans thinking she’s gone crooked. Lot of emotional gut-punches too with flashbacks, falling out, and not exactly a happy ending. It doesn’t have the same inner monologue as Swiss Army Man, but it still feels fairly authentic in terms of the emotional turmoil she’s going through. And of course it gets some basic facts about medical transition wrong. Still, not what I expected.

Turning to TV, somehow I ended up marathoning through the entirety of Sons of Anarchy on a whim. Now, I cannot actually recommend that anyone ever watch Sons of Anarchy. Frankly it’s a poorly written show which spends more time than not completely rudderless, constantly forces people to act completely out of character to spur on new plot arcs, and stumbles hard every time it tries to say anything about women, race, politics, or morality.

Some time in the 5th season, a random filler episode has the core cast hiring a trans prostitute to stage explicit photos with someone they’ve knocked out in order to blackmail him, resulting in a very forced exploitative scene. It certainly doesn’t help that the trans woman in question is named Venus, and played by Walter Goggins (not that I approve of cis men playing any of the characters I’m listing here, but Goggins is the most overtly masculine actor in the mix, and playing the only character on this list who is out as trans and well past first transitioning). That episode left a particularly bad taste in my mouth, and I’m curious if there was some backlash to it at the time, because in the next season, Venus returns, as a minor recurring character who gets fleshed out and made significantly more sympathetic. She gets a tragic and cliched backstory full of sexual abuse of course, but she’s at least in the running for the single most morally centered character in the series, gets a lot of sympathetic dialog, and sticking up for her in various ways becomes a way to signify someone is, for the time being at least, on the path of righteousness.

What really amazes me though is the last season. The entire final season of Sons of Anarchy is frankly a train wreck. Season 6 ends with the incredibly pointless and poorly motivated murders of its most sympathetic major characters (including the main audience surrogate) to stir up conflict, and as a result season 7 is just a ridiculous exercise in body stacking. Almost every character ends up either dead or at a complete loss of what to do with themselves, and there are really only two characters who can be said to really get a happy ending. Tig, one of the more consistent characters, who can largely be described as the Designated Weirdo in the core cast, ends up spending the last season dating Venus, and their last scene implies that him falling in love with her breaks him of his weird self-destructive performative freakiness, and they get to live happily ever after. Everything else about the final season, and really the show at large, I rolled my eyes at, but hey, pleasant surprise there!

Meanwhile, turning to Japanese children’s television from a few years back, there’s Kamen Rider W. Like every Kamen Rider series, it’s a self-contained superhero show with lots of quirkiness and rubber-suit action sequences. The main gimmick the W alludes to is that the hero of this particular show is really two people. When it’s time to throw on the suit and jump into action, one of the two protagonists passes out, the other getting a split consciousness (and then of course late in the series when they get their ultimate powerup, they full on merge into a single body instead). One of these characters is Shotaro, a dorky wannabe hard boiled detective. The other is something of a mysterious MacGuffin character named Phillip, who has quite a lot going on, but most significantly for this article’s purposes, this is Phillip:

Broadcasting standards in Japan are a bit further behind the times than they are in America, so you can’t ever full on come out and state that a character is gay or trans. The best you can manage is to just barely provide plausible deniability while implying the ever loving hell out of it. And so we have Phillip, who is about as blatantly not-a-man as you can really get away with, visually. Whether the idea is to subtley portray a trans woman, or to portray the only non-binary human character I can recall ever seeing in anything is a tough call, but the hair clips and some variation on this non-quite-a-dress are present on Phillip in every single episode other than the one where a contrived sting has Phillip throwing on a dress and a wig to really pull of a Lovely Magician’s Assistant look... and trying to find a screenshot of that by searching for “Kamen Rider Phillip Dress” just gave me a variation on the standard Phillip Outfit on a female manikin at a cosplay shop.

Anyway, Phillip is great. Aside from being Very Clearly Trans, Phillip Very Clearly Has Autism (sensitively and realistically portrayed), but neither of these is ever commented on by anyone in the show. Instead, everyone is constantly talking about how Phillip is so unambiguously the more powerful, intelligent, and competent of the two, and constantly suggesting Shotaro is dead weight. It’s fantastic. Oh and the two are also as unambiguously in a romantic relationship with each other as broadcasting standards will allow. There is blatant queer-baiting between male leads in every Kamen Rider show, but I mean, they have a love theme, their ultimate weapon/armor is rainbow themed, and the lyrics to the show’s opening are all about the ultimate union of body and soul between two partners.

Incidentally, Kamen Rider Wizard from 2 years later does make a more overt effort of trans representation with a minor character, but fairs far worse with it, and the following year’s Kamen Rider Gaim has... this character, but I’m trying to focus on surprisingly good representation, and neither of them exactly qualify.

Finally, the tragically obscure 7th Dragon III Code VFD for the 3DS, along with making literally the entire cast of NPCs and PCs explicitly bisexual features as a prominent NPC a game designer/time machine designer who shortly before the game begins switched over to being called Julietta and dressing like this:

I haven’t found the time to finish it, but misgendering localization aside, yeah this is totally in keeping with my general composite image of my fellow trans game devs, and she’s great so far.

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