#this guy wants to be detached and uncaring so bad and he cares so much. SAD! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

gffa · 5 years ago

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OKAY, IF I’M GONNA DO THIS, I’M GONNA DO IT PROPERLY. WHICH MEANS YEAH IT’S GONNA GET REALLY LONG. A couple of things to say ahead of time: Lucasfilm’s Story Group has always said CANON > WORD OF GOD when it comes to these matters, so when I quote canon examples from supplementary materials that contradict what he says, that’s LF’s official position, but that doesn’t mean that an influential person like Dave’s views couldn’t affect how things will be shaped in the future, like Deborah Chow listening to this may be influenced by it on the Obi-Wan show, despite that Master & Apprentice contradicts him. It’s an incredibly murky area! Mileages are going to vary. Another thing to keep in mind is that Dave Filoni never worked on The Phantom Menace, that was long, long before his time at Lucasfilm (which I think he joined sometime around 2007? and TPM was released in 1999), that he has worked with George more than probably anyone else, but we cannot and should not treat him as infallible or the True Authority on things, because even Dave himself has said things like: “I mean, I know why I did that and what it means, but I don't like to explain too much. I love for the viewers to watch stuff and come up with their own theories -- and they frankly come up with better things that I intended.” --Dave Filoni, Entertainment Tonight 2020 interview Or, in the same episode as the above Qui-Gon interpretation:

So, when I dig into this, I’m not doing this out of a sense of malice or even that I suddenly hate Dave or don’t appreciate all the incredible things he’s brought to SW, but in that I disagree with his take, Dave understands that he doesn’t always get it right, that he enjoys that fans come up with different things than he does and sometimes he likes those even more. There’s room for both of us and, for all that Dave mentions George a lot (and, hey, fair enough, the guy worked with George and I’m just quoting what George Lucas has said) doesn’t mean that this is straight from George, especially because I have never seen George Lucas utter so much as a peep about how the Jedi were responsible for Anakin’s fall. He has explicitly and frequently talked about how Anakin’s fall was his own choice, as well as I’ve never seen him say anything Jedi-critical beyond “they were kind of arrogant about themselves”. I have read and watched every George Lucas interview I could get my hands on and maybe I’m still missing something, but that’s literally the extent of him criticizing the Jedi I have EVER seen. (It’s from the commentary on AOTC where he put in the scene with Jocasta to show they were full of themselves, but I also think it’s fair to point out that Obi-Wan immediately contradicts this by going to Dex for help, showing that it’s not necessarily a Jedi-wide thing.) Before I go further, I want to say: this is not a post meant to tear down Qui-Gon, he is a character I actually really do love, but the focus is on showing why the above interpretation of him is wrong, which means focusing on Qui-Gon’s flaws. He has many wonderful qualities, he is someone who cared deeply and was a good person, I think things would have been better had he lived! But Anakin’s choices did not hinge on him, because Anakin’s choices were Anakin’s, that has always been the consistent theme of how George talks about him, the way he talks about the story is always in terms of “Anakin did this” or “Anakin chose that”, and the Jedi are very consistently shown as caring, they believed very much in love and Dave’s own show (well, I say “his own show”, but honestly TCW was George’s baby primarily and he had a lot of direct, hands-on say in crafting it, through at least the first five seasons) is plenty of evidence of that. I’m not going to quote the full thing because this is already a monster post, I’m just going to focus on the Jedi stuff, because I like the other points a lot, but if you want the full text, it’s here. The relevant part is: “In Phantom Menace, you’re watching these two Jedi in their prime fight this evil villain. Maul couldn’t be more obviously the villain. He’s designed to look evil, and he is evil, and he just expresses that from his face all the way out to the type of lightsaber he fights with. What’s at stake is really how Anakin is going to turn out. Because Qui-Gon is different than the rest of the Jedi and you get that in the movie; and Qui-Gon is fighting because he knows he’s the father that Anakin needs. Because Qui-Gon hasn’t given up on the fact that the Jedi are supposed to actually care and love and that’s not a bad thing. The rest of the Jedi are so detached and they become so political that they’ve really lost their way and Yoda starts to see that in the second film. But Qui-Gon is ahead of them all and that’s why he’s not part of the council. So he’s fighting for Anakin and that’s why it’s the ‘Duel of the Fates’ – it’s the fate of this child. And depending on how this fight goes, Anakin, his life is going to be dramatically different. “So Qui-Gon loses, of course. So the father figure, he knew what it meant to take this kid away from his mother when he had an attachment, and he’s left with Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan trains Anakin at first out of a promise he makes to Qui-Gon, not because he cares about him. When they get Anakin, they find him on Tatooine, he says “Why do I feel like we’ve found another useless lifeform?” He’s comparing Anakin to Jar Jar and he’s saying “this is a waste of our time, why are we doing this, why do you see importance in these creatures like Jar Jar Binks and this ten-year-old boy? This is useless.” “So, he’s a brother to Anakin eventually but he’s not a father figure. That’s a failing for Anakin. He doesn’t have the family that he needs. He loses his mother in the next film. He fails on this promise that he made, “mother, I’m going to come back and save you”. So he’s left completely vulnerable and Star Wars is ultimately about family. So that moment in that movie which a lot of people I think diminish, “oh there’s a cool lightsaber fight”, but it’s everything that the entire three films of the prequels hangs on, is that one particular fight. And Maul serves his purpose and at that point died before George made me bring him back, but he died.“ --Dave Filoni I’m going to take this a piece at a time to show why I really disagree with the content of both the movies and The Clone Wars supporting what Dave says and, instead, contradicts it a lot. The rest of the Jedi are so detached and they become so political that they’ve really lost their way and Yoda starts to see that in the second film. He doesn’t explain what this means, but I’m pretty sure that he’s referring to this conversation: OBI-WAN: “I am concerned for my Padawan. He is not ready to be given this assignment on his own yet.” YODA: “The Council is confident in its decision, Obi-Wan.” MACE WINDU: “The boy has exceptional skills.” OBI-WAN: “But he still has much to learn, Master. His abilities have made him... well.... arrogant.” YODA: “Yes, yes. A flaw more and more common among Jedi. Hmm... too sure of themselves they are. Even the older, more experienced ones.” MACE WINDU: “Remember, Obi-Wan, if the prophecy is true, your apprentice is the only one who can bring the Force back into balance.” OBI-WAN: "If he follows the right path.” None of that has anything to do with being “detached” and, further, I think this is something that’s come up with Dave’s view of Luminara a lot, because he’s described her (re: the Geonosis arc): “We were trying to illustrate the difference between the way Anakin is raising his Padawan, and how much he cares about her, and the way Luminara raises her Padawan. Not that Luminara is indifferent, but that Luminara is detached. It’s not that she doesn’t care, but she’s not attached to her emotionally.” Here, he says that the Jedi care, in the above, he says that the Jedi don’t care, which makes me think there’s a lot of characterization drift as time goes on, especially when fandom bombards everyone with the idea that the Jedi were cold, emotionless, and didn’t care. However, look at Luminara’s face in that arc, when she’s talking with Anakin:

That is not the face of someone who doesn’t care. She even smiles brightly in relief when Barriss is shown to be okay, that this really doesn’t convey “detached” in an unloving or uncaring way. (We’ll get to attachment later, that’s definitely coming.) (I’m also mostly skipping the political thing, because I think that’s just a fundamental disagreement of whether Jedi should or should not lean into politics. My view basically boils down to that I think ALL OF US should be leaning more into politics because we are citizens who live in the world and are responsible for it, and the Jedi are no different. This is evidenced by: - M&A’s storyline has Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan saving the day specifically because they play politics, that’s how they manage to free the slaves, through playing politics and being part of the Republic/having Senate backing. - The Clone Wars has shown that the Jedi believe “lasting change can only come from within” and “it’s every citizen’s duty to hold their leaders accountable” when Ahsoka teaches the cadets on Mandalore, as well as that politics are not inherently bad, given that Padme and Bail are working to make the system better or “create lasting change from within [the system]” - "Trying to serve the greater good does not always make you popular” says Padme Amidala in a very caring speech - Star Wars Propaganda makes the case that the Jedi might have won the war had they leaned more into politics. - Sometimes the Jedi get unfairly accused of playing politics when there’s just no good choice and they still have to choose one or the other.) But Qui-Gon is ahead of them [re: caring and loving] all and that’s why he’s not part of the council. This is flat-out wrong in regards to canon. Mileages are going to vary, of course, on how much one takes a novel into consideration, but Dave Filoni is not a fan with the luxury of deciding what is or isn’t canon, he works on Star Wars where canon is canon. Now, does that mean canon will never contradict itself, especially if Dave gets to write something for Qui-Gon? Of course not, SW isn’t immune to continuity errors and they themselves have never said otherwise, even when fans want to hold them to that standard. However, this is still pretty much a big “that’s not what happened” instance. In Master & Apprentice, the Jedi Council offer a seat to Qui-Gon on the Council, specifically BECAUSE he has different opinions from them and they welcome that. (Excerpt here.) “We hope it will also be our gain,” Mace replied. “Qui-Gon Jinn, we hereby offer you a seat on the Jedi Council.” Had he misheard? No, he hadn’t. Qui-Gon slowly gazed around the circle, taking in the expressions of each Council member in turn. Some of them looked amused, others pleased. A few of them, Yoda included, appeared more rueful than not. But they were serious. “I admit—you’ve surprised me,” Qui-Gon finally said.“I imagine so,” Mace said drily. “A few years ago, we would’ve been astonished to learn we would ever consider this. But in the time since, we’ve all changed. We’ve grown. Which means the possibilities have changed as well.” Qui-Gon took a moment to collect himself. Without any warning, one of the turning points of his life had arrived. Everything he said and did in the next days would be of great consequence. “You’ve argued with my methods often as not, or perhaps you’d say I’ve argued with yours.” “Truth, this is,” Yoda said. Depa Billaba gave Yoda a look Qui-Gon couldn’t interpret. “It’s also true that the Jedi Council needs more perspectives.” Ultimately, Qui-Gon is the who turns them down and gives up a chance to shape the Jedi Council because he doesn’t like the shape they’re taking. That he does become less political, but this is after he’s argued that the Jedi should be working to push the Senate harder, so when he has a chance to help with that, he turns it down. It has nothing to do with caring and loving, it’s about Qui-Gon’s desire to not have to deal with the work himself, when he wants to be more of a hippie Jedi. (I’ve written a lot about Qui-Gon in M&A, why I actually think it’s really spot-on to someone who can be both really kind and really kind of a dick, but it’s not the most flattering portrayal, even if narrative intention likely didn’t mean what came across to me. I think this post and this post are probably the most salient ones, but if you want something of an index of the web that’s being woven with all the various media, this one is good, too.) So he’s fighting for Anakin and that’s why it’s the ‘Duel of the Fates’ – it’s the fate of this child. And depending on how this fight goes, Anakin, his life is going to be dramatically different. I have only ever seen George Lucas talk about Anakin’s fate in one instance and it’s this: “It’s fear of losing somebody he loves, which is the flipside of greed. Greed, in terms of the Emperor, it’s the greed for power, absolute power, over everything. With Anakin, really it’s the power to save the one he loves, but it’s basically going against the Fates and what is natural.“ –George Lucas, Revenge of the Sith commentary I’ve made my case about why I think Anakin’s fate is about that moment in Palpatine’s office, and so I’m not fundamentally opposed that “Duel of the Fates” is about Anakin’s fate, but here’s what George has provably said about the “Duel of the Fates” part of the story: - In the commentary for The Phantom Menace during “Duel of the Fates” and none of Dave’s speculation is even hinted at, there’s more focus on the technical side of things and the most George talks about is that it’s Obi-Wan who parallels Luke in going over the edge during the fight, except that instead of a Sith cutting off a Jedi’s hand, it’s a Jedi cutting a Sith in half, drawing the parallels between them. - He does say of the funeral scene that this is where Obi-Wan commits to training Anakin and how everything is going to go (though, in canon we see that Obi-Wan still struggles with this a bit, but Yoda is there to support him and nudge him into committing even more to Anakin, because the Jedi are a supportive community to each other). This is some solid evidence for that Obi-Wan is already caring about Anakin beyond just Qui-Gon. - Then here’s what he says about the “Duel of the Fates” fights and themes of them in "All Films Are Personal": George Lucas: “I wanted to come up with an apprentice for the Emperor who was striking and tough. We hadn’t seen a Sith Lord before, except for Vader, of course. I wanted to convey the idea that Jedi are all very powerful, but they’re also vulnerable — which is why I wanted to kill Qui-Gon. That is to say, “Hey, these guys aren’t Superman.” These guys are people who are vulnerable, just like every other person. “We needed to establish that, but at the same time, we wanted the ultimate sword fight, because they were all very good. It sort of predisposes the sword fight between Anakin and Obi-Wan later on. There’s real purpose to it. You have to establish the rules and then stick with them. The scene illustrates just how Jedi and Sith fight and use lightsabers.” “So Qui-Gon loses, of course. So the father figure, he knew what it meant to take this kid away from his mother when he had an attachment, and he’s left with Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan trains Anakin at first out of a promise he makes to Qui-Gon, not because he cares about him. We’ll get to the “attachment to his mother” thing in a bit--but, for now, let’s just say, George Lucas’ words on this are not that attachment to her was a good thing. Fair enough that “not because he cares about him” is up to personal interpretation, but canon has also addressed the topic of Obi-Wan’s treatment of Anakin and Obi-Wan stepped up to the plate on this. In addition to how we see Obi-Wan REPEATEDLY being there for Anakin and being concerned and caring about him, they specifically talk about Qui-Gon and overcome this hurdle.

No, Obi-Wan is not Anakin’s father figure, on that we definitely agree. Anakin never really even treats Obi-Wan like a father--he says “you’re the closest thing I have to a father” in Attack of the Clones, as well as he says Obi-Wan practically raised him in The Clone Wars “Crystal Crisis” story reels, but Anakin has never actually acted like Obi-Wan is his father--”then why don’t you listen to me?” Obi-Wan points out in AOTC--as well as Obi-Wan glides past those remarks, which I’ve always taken that he doesn’t want to reject Anakin’s feelings, knowing that Anakin can be sensitive about them, but neither does he want to confirm them. This does not mean Obi-Wan was not supportive, caring, and loving. He says, “I loved you!” to Anakin in Revenge of the Sith, he asks after him and if he’s sleeping well in Attack of the Clones, and even George Lucas himself said that the elevator scene was set up TO SHOW OBI-WAN AND ANAKIN CARE FOR EACH OTHER:

PUTTING THE REST UNDER A READ MORE FOR A BETTER LENGTH REBLOGGABLE VERSION, IF YOU WANT.

This is further evidenced by how the Jedi do see themselves as family, they just don’t need to put it into strict nuclear family dynamics: - “You were my brother, Anakin! I loved you!” [–Obi-Wan Kenobi, Revenge of the Sith] - “We are brothers, Master Dibs.” [–Mace Windu, Jedi of the Republic - Mace Windu] - “Did your parents bicker?” she asked. “The adoptive ones, I mean.” A slow smile broke across Ashla’s face, curling first one side of her mouth and then the other. Whatever she was remembering, Kaeden could tell it was good. "All the time,“ Ashla said, almost as if she were talking to herself. [–Kaeden Larte, Ahsoka Tano, Ahsoka] - Vos, brought to the Temple even younger than most, felt that he had hundreds of brothers and sisters, and it seemed that whenever he went into the dining hall he ran into at least half of them. [Dark Disciple] - “It was not his birthplace, exactly, but the Jedi Temple was where Quinlan Vos had grown up. He’d raced through its corridors, hidden behind its massive pillars, found peace in its meditation hall, ended-and started-fights in rooms intended for striking blows and some that weren’t, and sneaked naps in its library. All Jedi came here, at some point in their lives; for Quinlan, it always felt like coming home when he ran lightly up the stairs and entered the massive building as he did now.” [Dark Disciple] Brothers, sisters, and other more non-traditional kinds of family are not lesser and Obi-Wan and Anakin absolutely were family, just as the Jedi are all family to each other, so, no, there was no “failing” Anakin, except in Anakin’s mind, perhaps. (In that, I can agree. But not on a narratively approved level, canon too thoroughly refutes that for me.) Rebels as well pretty thoroughly shows that non-traditional families are meaningful and just as important--we may joke that Hera is “space mom”, but she’s not actually Ezra or Sabine’s mother, Kanan is not actually their father, and even if they sometimes stray into aspects of those roles (as the Jedi do as well in the movies and TCW), that they don’t need that traditional nuclear family structure. Mentor figures--and Kanan is Ezra’s mentor--are just as meaningful and needful as a “dad”. And I’m kind of :/ at the implication that anyone without a dad/father figure or mom/mother figure is being “failed”. When they get Anakin, they find him on Tatooine, he says “Why do I feel like we’ve found another useless lifeform?” He’s comparing Anakin to Jar Jar and he’s saying “this is a waste of our time, why are we doing this, why do you see importance in these creatures like Jar Jar Binks and this ten-year-old boy? This is useless.” Whether or not Obi-Wan is being genuinely dismissive in this movie (I think you could make a case either way), the idea that Qui-Gon is better than Obi-Wan about this, as shown through Jar Jar isn’t exactly very supported given how Qui-Gon and Jar Jar first exchange words:

QUI-GON: “You almost got us killed. Are you brainless?” JAR JAR: “I spake.” QUI-GON: “The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.” Qui-Gon is just as bad as everyone else to Jar Jar, he’s not somehow elevated above them. It’s also baffling because, Dave, I have watched your show. The Jedi are specifically shown to be kind to people and creatures, not considering them “useless”. Henry Gilroy (who was the co-writer for The Clone Wars and frequently appeared in featurettes on the same level as Dave Filoni) explicitly draws this to The Jedi Way, that “life is everything to the Jedi“, when he said this about the Ryloth episodes:

(Caps cribbed from Pan’s blog, because I cannot make another gif, save me, please.) Henry Gilroy in an Aggressive Negotiations Interview: "Obi-Wan truly is a Jedi in that he’s like, ‘Okay, I’m not going to murder these creatures [in the Ryloth arc of The Clone Wars]. They’re starving to death. They’ve basically been unleashed against these people as a weapon, but it’s not their fault. They’re just doing what they do. They’re just animals who wanna eat.’ "So the idea was–and I think there was an early talk about how, 'Oh, yeah, he’ll go running through them and slicing and dicing them and chop them all up or whatever, and save his guys. And I’m like, 'Yeah, but that’s not really the Jedi way. He’s not just gonna murder these creatures.’ "And I know the threat is [there], to save one life you have to take one, but the idea of him [is]: why can’t Obi-Wan just be more clever? He basically draws them in and then traps them. "It says something about who the Jedi are, they don’t just waste life arbitrarily. And someone could have gone, 'Oh, yeah, but it would have been badass if he’d just ran in there with his lightsaber spinning and stabbed them all in the head!’ And 'Yeah, you’re right, I guess he could be that, but he’s trying to teach his clones a lesson right then, about the sanctity of life.’ "That is the underlying theme of that entire episode. Which is: A tactical droid is using the people as living shields. Life means nothing to the Separatists. The droids. But life is everything to the Jedi. And even though he doesn’t have to say that, it’s all through the episode thematically.“ It’s also Obi-Wan who teaches Anakin about kindness to mindless creatures in the Obi-Wan & Anakin comic:

"These beasts are nearly mindless, Anakin. I can feel it. They are merely following their nature, they should not die simply because they crossed our path. Use the Force to send them on their way.” Now, fair enough if you want to say Obi-Wan was taught by Qui-Gon, but also Qui-Gon is dead by that point and Obi-Wan growing into being more mature is his own accomplishment, not Qui-Gon’s, especially given that we see Qui-Gon himself being pretty dismissive to Jar Jar in TPM. This isn’t unique thing either, Padme is incredibly condescending to Jar Jar in “Bombad Jedi” and expresses clear annoyance with him to C-3PO when sighing over him. Jar Jar is a character you kind of have to warm up to, pretty much the only one we’ve seen consistently being favorable to him is Yoda (and maybe Anakin, though, Anakin doesn’t really interact with him a ton) and Mace Windu warms up to him considerably in “The Disappeared” and even specifically is shown to be teaching him and helping him, which is a huge theme of the Jedi and how much they care.

So, ultimately, the point I’m winding my way towards is--the other Jedi do show kindness and consideration to Jar Jar Binks, including characters like Mace Windu, so if you’re judging the Jedi based on that, the conclusion of Qui-Gon somehow being more compassionate and loving is really pretty thoroughly disproved by The Phantom Menace and The Clone Wars themselves. So, he’s a brother to Anakin eventually but he’s not a father figure. That’s a failing for Anakin. He doesn’t have the family that he needs. He loses his mother in the next film. He fails on this promise that he made, “mother, I’m going to come back and save you”. So he’s left completely vulnerable and Star Wars is ultimately about family. You could be charitable and say this is just from Anakin’s point of view that it’s a “failing”, but within the context of what Dave’s saying, it’s clearly meant as a more narratively approved take, not just Anakin’s point of view, and I really, really dislike the idea that Anakin--or anyone, really--needs a traditional nuclear family, ie a “mom” and/or a “dad”, or else it’s a “failing” for them. Setting aside that the idea that Qui-Gon would need to be Anakin’s dad to be kind to hi (which is ?????) is contradicted by The Clone Wars as well. Yes, Qui-Gon is warm with Anakin in several scenes, which is what Dave is presumably drawing on to show that Qui-Gon believed the Jedi should be caring and loving, but you know who else is warm to younglings? OTHER JEDI COUNCIL MEMBERS.

Those two scenes have the exact same kind of warmth to them. Ie, THE JEDI ALL BELIEVED IN BEING LOVING AND KIND, NOT JUST QUI-GON. The things evidenced to show Qui-Gon was loving and kind are evidenced just as much in other Council members, in Dave’s own show. As a bonus--have Mace Windu, known Jedi Council member, being super kind and loving towards a young Twi’lek girl he just met in a canon comic:

But I know that this is about the way the Council treated Anakin in The Phantom Menace testing scene, but here’s the thing--when I go back and I watch that scene and the Jedi aren’t ever mean to him, they’re neutral in an official testing situation, where they are trying to determine if he’s able to adapt to the Jedi ways. They never once say he’s bad for holding onto his fear, only that he does--which Anakin digs his heels in and gets angry about, he can’t really even admit that he’s afraid and that’s a huge deal for the Jedi. I’ve made a longer post about it here (and here), but the basic gist is: - That scene has Yoda giving the famous “Fear leads to the dark side” speech which is almost word for word how George Lucas describes how the Force works, showing the Jedi are narratively correct - “Confronting fear is the destiny of a Jedi” may be from the sequels, but it is thoroughly supported by the movies and TCW and Rebels and even supplementary canon material, including that the Jedi literally design their tests around both Masters and Padawans for it (Ilum, the Jedi Temple on Lothal, etc. - Anakin cannot admit to his fears in that TPM scene - We have examples of Jedi younglings do admit to their fears and the point isn’t not to have them, but to face them--the younglings in “The Gathering” are the most blatant example of this, but it’s also pretty much the entire theme of Jedi: Fallen Order, especially when Cal goes to Ilum to face his fears and get another kyber crystal. The point isn’t that Anakin--who has very good reasons to be afraid! nothing in the story or the Jedi have said he didn’t!--is wrong or bad, but that he’s not a great fit for the Jedi life because he is “unwilling to accept [Jedi philosophy] emotionally”. And they’re right about this, because this is how George Lucas describes Anakin in commentary: “The fact that everything must change and that things come and go through his life and that he can’t hold onto things, which is a basic Jedi philosophy that he isn’t willing to accept emotionally and the reason that is because he was raised by his mother rather than the Jedi. If he’d have been taken in his first year and started to study to be a Jedi, he wouldn’t have this particular connection as strong as it is and he’d have been trained to love people but not to become attached to them.” --George Lucas, Attack of the Clones commentary And so this brings us to A T T A C H M E N T, which, yeah, we’ve been having this discussion forever, but I’m going to state it again: Within Star Wars, ATTACHMENT IS NARRATIVELY A BAD THING. It is consistently tied to possessive, obsessive relationships, to greed and an unwillingness to let things go when it’s time (letting go is a huge theme in Star Wars) and equating love with attachment is fundamentally wrong according to George Lucas’ Star Wars worldbuilding: “The Jedi are trained to let go. They’re trained from birth,” he continues, “They’re not supposed to form attachments. They can love people-- in fact, they should love everybody. They should love their enemies; they should love the Sith. But they can’t form attachments. So what all these movies are about is: greed. Greed is a source of pain and suffering for everybody. And the ultimate state of greed is the desire to cheat death.” --George Lucas, The Making of Revenge of the Sith If attachment and love were the same thing, then he would be saying, “They should love their enemies, they should love the Sith. But they can’t love.” The way George makes the distinction shows that, no, attachment and love aren’t the same thing at all, attachment is not caring. Further, there’s another instance of him showing there’s an important distinction between relationships and attachment and the association of attachmets with possession: "Jedi Knights aren’t celibate - the thing that is forbidden is attachments - and possessive relationships.” --George Lucas, BBC News interview So, yes, when Anakin is attached to people, it is directly tied to obsession, possession, and greed, all things of the dark side: “He turns into Darth Vader because he gets attached to things. He can’t let go of his mother; he can’t let go of his girlfriend. He can’t let go of things. It makes you greedy. And when you’re greedy, you are on the path to the dark side, because you fear you’re going to lose things, that you’re not going to have the power you need.” --George Lucas, Time Magazine “But he has become attached to his mother and he will become attached to Padme and these things are, for a Jedi, who needs to have a clear mind and not be influenced by threats to their attachments, a dangerous situation. And it feeds into fear of losing things, which feeds into greed, wanting to keep things, wanting to keep his possessions and things that he should be letting go of. His fear of losing her turns to anger at losing her, which ultimately turns to revenge in wiping out the village. The scene with the Tusken Raiders is the first scene that ultimately takes him on the road to the dark side. I mean he’s been prepping for this, but that’s the one where he’s sort of doing something that is completely inappropriate.“ --George Lucas, Attack of the Clones commentary ATTACHMENT IS BAD IN STAR WARS AS THEY DEFINE IT. Finally, I’m going to circle back to: Because Qui-Gon is different than the rest of the Jedi and you get that in the movie; and Qui-Gon is fighting because he knows he’s the father that Anakin needs. Because Qui-Gon hasn’t given up on the fact that the Jedi are supposed to actually care and love and that’s not a bad thing. Here’s the thing about this: You know who else, by this logic, Qui-Gon should have been a father to? OBI-WAN KENOBI. This isn’t said as “Anakin specifically needs a father” (which I think would be an interesting idea to bandy about and I’m not disagreeing, though, it’s complicated because of what Anakin refuses to accept emotionally), it’s said in a bigger context, that Qui-Gon is better than the other Jedi because he understands the need for fathers (and thus this ties into Return of the Jedi) and he’s ahead of the other Jedi, who apparently think loving and caring about people are bad things, but Qui-Gon does not treat Obi-Wan like his son. Or, if he does, he’s not exactly a stellar dad about it. Within Master & Apprentice, there’s an incredibly consistent theme of how Qui-Gon thinks supportive things about Obi-Wan, but never says them aloud. He thinks he should talk to Obi-Wan about the upcoming decision to be on the Council and then never does. He could have explained why he kept Obi-Wan training the basics but he never does. There are multiple instances showing that Qui-Gon is actually really, really bad at actually handling a young apprentice who needs him to talk to them about important things. Qui-Gon continues this in From a Certain Point of View where he still never talked to Obi-Wan about everything that happened, even after he became a Force Ghost. Damn, damn, damn. Qui-Gon closed his eyes for one moment. It blocked nothing; the wave of shock that went through Obi-Wan was so great it could be felt through the Force. Qui-Gon hadn’t thought Kirames Kaj would mention the Jedi Council invitation. It seemed possible the soon-retiring chancellor of the Republic might not even have taken much note of information about a new Council member. --Master & Apprentice That comment finally pierced Qui-Gon’s damnable calm. There was an edge to his voice as he said, “I suspected you would be too upset to discuss this rationally. Apparently I was correct.” “I thought you said my reaction was understandable,” Obi-Wan shot back. “So why does it disqualify me from hearing the truth?” Qui-Gon put his hands on his broad belt, the way he did when he was beginning to withdraw into himself. “…we should discuss this at another time. Neither of us is his best self at the present.” --Master & Apprentice Obi-Wan walked toward the door, obviously outdone. “At the beginning of my apprenticeship, I couldn’t understand you,” he said. “Unfortunately, that’s just as true here at the end.” Only yesterday they had worked together as never before. How did Qui-Gon manage to get closer to Obi-Wan at the same time he was moving further away? Just before Obi-Wan would leave the room, Qui-Gon said, “Once, you asked me about the basic lightsaber cadences. Why I’d kept you there, instead of training you in more advanced forms of combat.” Obi-Wan turned reluctantly to face him again. “I suppose you thought I wasn’t ready for more. The same way I’m not ready to believe in all this mystical—” “That’s not why.” After a long pause, Obi-Wan calmed to the point where he would listen. “Then why, Qui-Gon?” “Because many Padawans—and full Jedi Knights, for that matter—forget that the most basic technique is the most important technique. The purest. The most likely to protect you in battle, and the foundation of all knowledge that is to come,” Qui-Gon said. “Most apprentices want to rush ahead to styles of fighting that are flashier or more esoteric. Most Masters let them, because we must all find our preferred form eventually. But I wanted you to be grounded in your technique. I wanted you to understand the basic cadences so well that they would become instinct, so that you would be almost untouchable. Above all, I wanted to give you the training you needed to accomplish anything you set your mind to later on.” Obi-Wan remained quiet for so long that Qui-Gon wondered if he were too angry to really hear any of what he’d said. But finally, his Padawan nodded. “Thank you, Qui-Gon. I appreciate that. But—” “But what?” “You could’ve said so,” Obi-Wan replied, and then he left. --Master & Apprentice "I owe you that. After all, I’m the one who failed you.“ "Failed me?” They have never spoken of this, not once in all Qui-Gon’s journeys into the mortal realm to commune with him. This is primarily because Qui-Gon thought his mistakes so wretched, so obvious, that Obi-Wan had wanted to spare him any discussion of it. Yet here, too, he has failed to do his Padawan justice. --From a Certain Point of View, “Master and Apprentice” (Further, in Master & Apprentice, Qui-Gon thinks that the Jedi give Rael Averross--who is HUGELY paralleled to Anakin--too many exceptions, were too soft on him because he came to the Jedi later than most and has trouble thinking of them as his family, and he thinks they should have been stricter with him.) It’s also readily apparent within The Phantom Menace itself:

You can take some charitable views of this scene, that Qui-Gon was pushed into a corner where he had few other options (and this is the view I generally take even!), but this is after the entire movie where he’s never once indicated that Obi-Wan was ready, has instead indicated that he still has much to learn (not just of the Living Force, but in general), as well as made it clear that he’s still teaching Obi-Wan, like on the Trade Federation ship. And I do think Obi-Wan got over this because he understood, because Obi-Wan actually is a very selfless person, he clearly cares (which is furthered by how we see him warm up to Anakin very quickly), but look at their faces. This was not a good moment, and they do somewhat make up, where Qui-Gon says that Obi-Wan has been a good apprentice, that he’s wiser than Qui-Gon and he’ll be a great Jedi--but if we’re counting that as Qui-Gon being this great Jedi, then you can’t say Obi-Wan failed Anakin, given that we show him doing the exact same thing, except better. He tells Anakin, “You are strong and wise and will become a far greater Jedi than I could ever hope to be.”, echoing Qui-Gon’s words, but also he never threw Anakin aside for someone else. This is kind of a major undercurrent throughout The Clone Wars, where Obi-Wan never takes another apprentice, where he continues to teach Anakin, to support him, even to the point of occasionally co-Mastering Ahsoka with him. “This has been quite a journey for our Padawan.” Qui-Gon’s treatment of Obi-Wan in this scene isn’t the worst, he’s kind about it later (though, he never actually specifically apologizes for this), but we can see that this is a moment where Qui-Gon hurts Obi-Wan and knows it. And you know what George Lucas has to say about Qui-Gon? This: “So here we’re having Qui-Gon wanting to skip the early training and jump right to taking him on as his Padawan learner, which is controversial, and ultimately, the source of much of the problems that develop later on.” –George Lucas, The Phantom Menace commentary There’s nothing about Qui-Gon being right or better than the other Jedi, but instead that Qui-Gon’s actions here are a source of much of the problems that develop later on. So, ultimately, I liked some points Dave made in that speech, it’s a beautiful and eloquent one, but I thoroughly disagree with his interpretation of George’s intentions for Qui-Gon and I thoroughly disagree that that’s what the movies, The Clone Wars (DAVE’S OWN SHOW), and the supplementary canon show about Qui-Gon and the other Jedi. I still stand by my appreciation of Dave’s contributions to SW as a whole, I think he does a really good job at making Star Wars, but he doesn’t always get everything right and this is one thing where I think the canon and George’s commentary show otherwise, as much as I love his desire to defend the prequels’ importance in the story. Because, my friend, I have felt that every single day of my SW life.

#anakin skywalker #qui gon jinn #jedi order #george lucas #dave filoni #meta #long post #really long post

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babes-and-baddies · 6 years ago

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Best to worse lov member to lose your virginity to lmao

how exactly do you define ‘best’, my dude? is it superior skill, emotional intimacy and mutual trust, a secure relationship going forward, a lack of commitments and hangups? because depending on your needs, there are reasons any one of the LOV could be the best to give up your v-card to,,, and i, a humble thirsty hoe, shall explain all of those reasons by explaining just what it’d be like to have your first time with them

that said, here’s my Hot Take (under cut because i went overboard lmao…, NSFW, obvi):

Kurogiri: He’s an absolute gentleman, and an experienced one at that. Kurogiri can take you apart with ease, touch you just so, and still make you relax against him as he takes the lead and shows just how good sex can get. He’s the type to take his time, noticing your tics and turn-ons and paying mind to your newly-discovered limits before you even know what it is you like. Kurogiri would make sure you feel secure, satiated; even after you cum, he’ll take care to check in with a glass of warped-over water to ensure you’re feeling alright. Plus, if you make it a thing, well. Once he knows your weaknesses, what you need, he’d be more than happy to push some boundaries and experiment with some of your more…. questionable of fantasies. He may be a gentleman, but he’s still a rather alternative-minded one; such is the fate for those who become villains. Lucky you ;)

Twice: While he may not seem the type to be so high on the list at first, you’ve got to admit that Jin’s got a lot going for him here. Loyal, caring, humorous, and extremely considerate, Twice is a perfect choice for those who want something fun, tender, safe and passionate for their first time. If he sees you as a friend or teammate, Jin is more than willing to go the extra mile to take things over-the-top and give you a night you’ll never want to forget, even if it it’s far from the high-finesse perfection you could get elsewhere. Jin also has another talent invaluable for your first time: he knows how to make you laugh and let go. Carefree humour meets unashamed affection, and whenever something awkward or embarrassing happens it can be brushed off without concern. Do you make a weird and unattractive noise, or end up falling off the bed in a tangle of limbs? Jin would only respond with a light heart, taking in all your ‘flaws’ as something natural and fun, showing that it’s okay to not hang up on the ‘imperfections’ that simply make your time together real. You have nothing to worry about, since sex is weird, right? Especially your first time. And guess what, Jin’s a bit weird too! Why should that make them any less good?To be with Jin is intimate but stress-free, passionate but light-hearted, and you can let go knowing that your comfort and feelings come first. The only downside is that he might think your trust is so precious, your time together so special, that he might just fall in love with you. But with a sweetheart like Jin, that’s more an extra benefit than anything. How could you make love to him and not feel the same in return?

Magne: As someone who calls upon self-respect and a deep loyalty to her teammates, if you find yourself by Magne’s side you can trust her to treat you with all the care you deserve. She would do anything for her friends, for her loved ones, and if you give your virginity to her it’s sure to be given the weight it deserves. After all, she knows full well the impact of self-autonomy and choosing how to use and inhabit your own body. With you supporting and trusting her own self, Magne knows the importance of returning the favour.And if there’s romance in the equation? All the better! But either way, Magne looks out for her own. While she may be more vanilla, she’s someone who puts your needs and boundaries first without expecting anything extra of you. And if what you need is a safe, comfortable first time with someone you can trust, she’s got you covered.

Compress: Sako is who you go to when you want skill, with a side of respectful detachment. There’s less intimacy, less care, but when you want to fuck the first time just to see what it’s like and get it over with already, or to finally get into it without having to worry about all the messy details, Sako can take care of it. So there’s less intimacy, sure, but fuck does he make up for it by knowing how to use what he’s got. He’s the type to take his time, to tease, to make a show of it for both your and his viewing pleasure, and he’s got the swift hands and cunning tongue to make taking you apart only the first act. He can ease you into things, but soon enough you might find yourself wanting even more of what he has to offer.

Spinner: While Spinner may not seem like someone to have your first time with, consider: shy + disciplined + beefy = very enthusiastic and eager-to-please good time. I’ll be the first to admit he may not have much in the way of experience, but Shuichi more than makes up for it in dedication. If you’re willing to not only fuck him, but share something so special as your first time, then he’s going to make extra sure to take care of you in every way possible. He’s here to prove a point - a point both to you and to himself- and show that you made the right choice in spending your first time with him. He’s strong enough to try things out, eager enough to listen to direction; one setback, though, may come in the form of his cluelessness and own desire to make it good for himself. But don’t worry, if you make it clear how special this moment is, he’s back on track in a second.Just make sure to give him ample time to prepare himself, okay? A day’s warning could make all the difference- because if he’s not expecting anything, his inexperience combined with his excitement could lead to a few problems in the ‘actually making you feel good’ department.

Giran: This old man’s a total sleeze, but he’s a loyal one; Giran stays true to his own and gives as good as he gets, so with something special like your first time, he’ll take care of you real good. After all, your virginity is pretty ‘special’, no? This here is someone who knows how to properly appreciate it.With lots of experience up his sleeve, Giran knows just how to make you feel real good, how to show you the ropes and get the most out of both your and his pleasure. Just remember it’s nothing personal. He’s still going to respect you after it all, but don’t expect any touchy-feely. You both had fun, both got something valuable out of it, and isn’t that what matters?Bonus: if you fuck him reaaal good, there might just be some future opportunities regarding… business negotiations. You wouldn’t happen to be looking for a sugar daddy by any chance, would you? Because there might be one on the market.

Tomura: On the chance he has no sexual or romantic interest in you, he’d not bother to accept your offer in the first place and instead recommend you find someone else to take care of you. If he is somehow interested, then, well.The best reason to give your virginity to Tomura is also the worst reason to do so: he thinks stealing your first time is hot as fuck. Virginity kinks are a thing, and Tomura is a sure example. There’s something alluring about taking something so precious, tainting something so innocent; naively offer yourself to him and Tomura wants to ruin you, have you all to himself and hold on to everything he can. Sure, doing this may lead to some issues of possessiveness and eventual unhealthy relationship dynamics on his part, but it can lead to a damn good fuck if you play your cards right and call on his desire to be the only one to please you. And if you like him, offering your virginity is a great way to make- and keep- him interested. On the downside, your comfort and security are more conditional on how he feels and expect things to play out. When he truly cares- sees you as a friend, a love interest- then everything is great as long as you continue to give him the love and trust shown in offering such a precious part of yourself; he’d be sure to repay that trust in taking care of you. But if you try to distance yourself afterwards, try to say your time together was casual or without intimacy, he wouldn’t take too kindly to it. Tomura chose to accept you like this, and that means you’re his. And he took care of you, right? It’s only fair you take care of him in return, with your love and loyalty. It’s really in your best interest from that point on to accept that and trust him to keep you.

Dabi: Dabi’s who you’d want to go to if you don’t care much about this whole ‘virginity’ thing, if you want something rough, something good, but something without any serious commitment coming out of it. An awkward but kinky virgin who wants to get fucked up? Curious about sex but uncaring about boundaries and uninterested in romance? Dabi’s your guy. He can blow your mind with beautiful degradation and thoughtful apathy, and continue to act as if nothing has changed the next morning aside from the occasional innuendo at your expense. He doesn’t care much about the ‘first time’ thing unless he somehow caught the feelings; if that’s the case than you better hope you got your relationship figured out before sex entered the equation, otherwise it could be the difference between a tender fuck and the blatant disregard of any connection as he ignores his feelings. Sure, if you’re friends or comrades he might be more gentle out of respect, and of course giving him your virginity when you’re together would be sweet, but otherwise? Well, you didn’t come to him for sweet or gentle. Dabi’s ready to show just how good it can feel to act bad, the pleasure found in pain, and you better hope you’re prepared for it.

Toga: Maybe,,,, maybe Toga isn’t the best idea here. For starters, maybe wait a few years, yeah? Or pick someone a little closer to your own age? Unless you’re a kid, but even then,,, there are still probably some better options out there. Toga’s idea of ’love’ isn’t something that would turn out well for you, and her version of ‘friendship’ isn’t much better if Uraraka is any example. The only people who seem safe are her teammates, her found family. If you’re in the LOV, someone precious enough to her to not want dead, you can probably have sex with her and make it out alive; the whole romance aspect of ‘sharing your first time with her’ wont make it easy, but at least you’d have a chance. Basically: please love yourself. Find someone who wouldn’t want to kill you. And please, maybe stick to fellow adults, yeah?

BONUS:

10. Moonfish: Best choice for fans of vore, and fans of vore ONLY

#bnha x reader #mha x reader #league of villains #kurogiri #bnha twice #magne #mr compress #bnha spinner #tomura #dabi #giran #toga #moonfish #mine #did i go overboard with this? yes. do i care? no #this is why im better at scenarios that hcs dstfgyuhijok #at this point 'hc' is shorthand for 'vague thirstposting with context'

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cosmicjoke · 5 years ago

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Ash and Recognizing His Innate Goodness

I’ve talked a lot about my belief that Ash was, from the very beginning, an innately good person, and that, while Eiji gave Ash something extremely special in giving him, for the first and only time in his life, the experience of what it felt like to be unconditionally love and accepted, I don’t think you can give Eiji, or anyone else in Ash’s life, credit for making him a GOOD PERSON. I think Ash just always was, it was just that his life was so hard and difficult from so early on, that he had to develop this hard, cold exterior as a way to protect himself. But it wasn’t something created in him through the kindness of others. I think the reason Eiji connected as deeply as he did with Ash is because Eiji was able to see past that armor and see Ash for who he really was. He saw how much pain Ash was in, how much it cost him to have to do the things he did, that he wasn’t some emotionless monster, and that he never was in danger of even becoming one. The one time the two of them really fought was when Eiji started to make the same mistake everyone else had made, thinking, because Ash was doing the things he was doing, it was because he was losing sight of his own humanity. The same way Shorter accuses Ash in Angel Eyes of becoming like the people who abuse him. Just like he was with Shorter, Ash is incredibly upset that Eiji would think that, and gets extremely angry, because it’s not true. It hurts Ash that Eiji could think that. That he could believe Ash could be someone who hurt others just because he can, or because he wants to. Ash isn’t killing Arthur’s men because he enjoys it, or because he wants to. He’s killing them because if he doesn’t, they’ll kill him and all of his own boys. He’s doing it because Arthur and the rest of them forced the issue by refusing to back down. Ash gets no pleasure out of what he’s doing. Just like he got no pleasure out of seducing Ricardo. It’s an act necessary to survival, and that’s all. Eiji eventually comes to understand that, and that’s the real turning point in their relationship. That Ash didn’t kill because he was a devil or a demon or a ruthless killer. That Ash didn’t kill because he was a bad guy. He killed because he had no other choice if he wanted to keep living and if he wanted to protect those he cared for.

There's so many things that point to Ash having an inherently kind and caring heart. The fact that he cares as much as he does about everyone around him, even before he really gets to know Eiji, like Griff, Skip and Shorter, and everyone in his gang. A good example of this is the fact that Ash is only working with Dino at the beginning of the story still because he needs the money in order to pay for Griff’s medical bills. Dino is Ash’s worst abuser, his longest abuser, and the last person Ash wants anything to do with. But he keeps working with him just so he can care for his big brother. He subjects himself to being around a man who raped him repeatedly as a child so he can have a way of keeping Griff safe and alive. This is the definition of self-sacrifice. This is before he ever meets Eiji. Definitely Ash was influenced by Shorter and Eiji, in terms of how he was able to open up and be outwardly softer and less harsh, but other people don’t determine for you what’s in your heart. They can’t create a capacity to care in another person. That has to be inborn. I feel like the fact Ash is as good as he is from the start of the story really proves he always had a strong, moral inclination. Really it’s in SPITE of all the horrific pain Ash has been through that he's as good as he is, because anybody with a shaky or nonexistent moral foundation, if they had gone through even a fraction of what Ash did, would have turned out viciously cruel. Yut-Lung is a good example, actually. Yut-Lung has been through similar experiences, though not entirely the same, as Ash, and he acts in ways that are entirely selfish and petty. Yut-Lung didn’t really have anyone in his life to help guide him, but even despite this, we see moments of regret and remorse in him, because he isn’t ENTIRELY without goodness. Still, he’s noticeably selfish, self-centered, petty and vengeful in a way Ash never was. Even at his lowest and most desperate moments, even when he was most alone, with no friends and no one to support him, Ash never hurt anyone who didn’t first hurt or try to hurt him, and he never hurt anyone out of spite, or jealousy, never tried to take anything away from someone just because they had it and he didn’t. Ash, from the very beginning, only ever acted out of self-defense. Even with positive influences like Shorter and Griff and Eiji, if Ash hadn't started out with having a strong, natural sense of right and wrong, given the truly massive scale of his suffering, he would have been a lot more morally corrupt from the start. The greatest tragedy of Ash, I think, is that he's really such a good person, who's been forced into such an awful, brutal existence through no fault of his own, and it's driven him to hate himself. I think the whole point of Banana Fish is to show the true damage that child abuse can cause. That it can take a good person like Ash and make him believe he's a bad person.

I think people can influence you, definitely, and can influence the way you turn out, but I also think there's an equal balance between nature versus nurture. I don't think you can create a strong moral nature in someone if it doesn't exist from the start. It’s why you can find genuinely bad people who have never experienced anything traumatic in their lives, and they still go out of their way to cause harm to others. Like basically everyone in the story who abused Ash. It’s also why you can find people who have experienced truly traumatic things, and they’re still good people deep inside, wanting to do the right thing, even if they’re also damaged and maybe don’t always understand how to go about it. Like Blanca, and of course even more so Ash himself. If that goodness DOES exist from the start, other people can nurture it and grow it and give it a safe place to express itself, and that’s what Eiji and Shorter did for Ash. But you can't give a moral conscience to someone who doesn't already have it. Kind of like you can't create talent or intelligence in someone. They have to be born with it, and then you can develop it. I just think, with everything we know about Ash, about the way he was from the start, the way he reacted to things, the things he tried to achieve, like keeping his friends and family safe, even trying to spare enemies of his, trying to break free from Dino, etc… and the things he didn’t ever care about, like money and power, the way he cared about people, the value he placed on human life, despite all the hell he'd been through, etc... it shows that he always had a good heart, he just lived in a world where if he let that show, it would get him killed. Which, the most tragic thing of all, it eventually did.

One more point to make about all of this is a parallel we see between Private Opinion and Angel Eyes. There are scenes in both stories in which Blanca and Shorter see Ash smile and laugh genuinely, in the carefree, childlike way children do, and they're both struck by how sweet and cute Ash is. Because they're seeing Ash as he really is in those moments. This sweet, adorable little boy. They’re amazed and stunned, because it’s the first time they’re actually getting to see the real Ash, and it's so at odds with the detached, uncaring facade Ash usually wears. Ash shows that part of him to them in moments of lighthearted, carefree abandon. He smiles and laughs like that around them after he's come to realize he can trust them, and that they won't hurt him.

I think what's important to remember is that, as horrific as the abuse Ash suffered is, and honestly, it’s about as bad as it can possibly get, it never defined WHO Ash was.

The abuse he suffered destroyed his life. Absolutely. It ruined his life. It changed, irrevocably, the course and direction of where he ended up. It changed and affected the way Ash interacted with people and situations. It altered and affected the way he behaved. It forced him to harden himself, to become harsh and blunt, to cut himself off in order to survive, to push people away because he couldn’t trust them, and because he was thrust, through no fault of his own, into a desperate, cruel world of violence which made him dangerous to be around. It damaged him in permanent, irreparable ways, emotionally and mentally. Caused him to develop dangerously low self-esteem and other, deeply unhealthy habits and ways of thinking. It made him hate himself, made him think of himself as worthless and not deserving of love. It caused him painful and overwhelming stress and anxiety, and forced him to live in a constant state of fear and uncertainty, leaving him unable to ever relax, unable to stop, unable to be himself, unable to be a boy, unable to just LIVE. It affected and changed and dictated every aspect of his life.

But the one thing it never changed, the one thing it never altered, was who Ash was fundamentally inside himself. The abuse destroyed his life, but it never destroyed HIM.

Despite it all, Ash never stopped being a good person.

This is so vitally important to the story, I think. To realize this about the story. Ash's abuse didn't turn him into an abuser. It didn't make him a bad person. Ash says to Foxx, right before Foxx rapes him, that he can do whatever he wants to him, because it doesn't matter, because Ash's mind and spirit are his own. He's telling Foxx that no matter how badly you treat me, no matter how hard you try to make me like you, I never will be. I'll never be as ugly as you are. Ash never lost himself, despite the sickening hell he suffered, and I think that's exactly in line with the message of Banana Fish. That even if you've suffered trauma that's destroyed your life, it doesn't mean that trauma defines who you are. It doesn't mean that trauma has destroyed you, or made you a worthless person. That your trauma isn't WHO you are. It's something you've been through, maybe even something you can never move past, but it doesn't mean that's all you are as a person. It doesn't mean that's what you are as a person. That bad things happening to you don’t make you a bad person. They may affect the way you act, the way you behave, the decisions you make, but it doesn’t change what’s in your heart. And Ash’s heart was always golden.

#Banana Fish #Ash Lynx #Meta

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what-you-dont-surrender · 6 years ago

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S1 VS S2 Finale Analysis

Alright guys, this is a long and complicated ride so bear with me here; we’re going to analyze both finales independently first and then their final scenes together.

1x08 Analysis

We open the episode with Villanelle arguing with Irina, like a child. One thing we must keep in mind, and something that is re-emphasized through S2, is that Villanelle’s behavior is very akin to that of a spoiled kid. Think of the way she interacts with Irina (and later Gabriel); though she constantly argues and maintains her snarky personality, she treats these kids almost as equals. In contrast with how she behaves with adults, which is much more petulant.

Here we see Villanelle banter with Irina in 1x08 and her attempt at a joke about theft with Grabriel in 2x08.

Hah, Eve is rude to the staff here and Villanelle is rude to the staff in 2x08.

What is it with this show and breakfast???

“I don’t know yet, is it hard to be bad?” “Not if you practice.”

I’m unsure if this scene (food, conversation and all) is meant to mirror that of the ruins, when Villanelle is suggesting cooking for Eve, when she says they can protect themselves now. Considering after her first murder Eve doesn’t “know” yet and, should she “practice”, she can become more skilled and on par with Villanelle. Just a thought.

Anna’s apartment:

Something to go into during the lover’s analysis but noting the way Villanelle processes seeing Anna again for the first time, lingering quietly as she observes her from the back. Then we get the smile at the “Sorry Baby x” where see her fixation for Eve take over instead, followed by the ringing sound as Anna says her name. “Let me, darling,” as Villanelle processes the remnants of her feelings for Anna, she allows herself to be cared for.

Now, the difference between Eve and Anna is that Villanelle knows Anna has never had the potential of taking someone’s life. She miscalculated once and thought that Anna would see her killing her husband as an act of love, only for Anna to reject her. All through S2 we see Villanelle sure of Eve’s potential, of an existing “us”, that Eve never denies, but is hesitant to accept. In the finale this comes to a culmination when Eve kills Raymond to protect Villanelle; it’s what she’s always wanted. Someone who would be willing to kill for her, who she could see herself in, and who would be willing to do anything to protect her as well.

But now, in Anna’s living room, years since she last saw her, Villanelle has learned to assess people and situations well enough to know she’s not in any danger even when Anna has a gun pointed at her. She also doesn’t try to shoot Anna, and I believe that to be because it requires passion she no longer has. To her, hurting a love interest is an act of love, a way to show she cares (“she did it to show me how much she cares about me/ sometime when you love someone you will do crazy things”) so to Villanelle, Anna is no longer deserving of her shooting her.

“She seduced me.”

While Villanelle goes on to accept that yes, she did in fact manipulate the situation to get with Anna, there is also a part of her that believed Anna did prey on her. And truly, regardless of Villanelle’s psychopathy, we do have to remember that it does not exempt Anna from her responsibility as an adult. She did, ultimately, give in to the seductive ways of her student. She chose to engage with a minor, while married, knowing that this minor had already been categorized as “at risk” (which, we have to note, labeling a child “at risk” is always a disservice to the child, as it pushes them further away from having a sense of community and forges the feeling of being cast-out).

“I don’t love her anymore. The thing is, I CAN kill you.”

And she really can, in that detached, uncaring, way she kills her other targets, because she’s no longer afraid of losing Anna. Anna, at this point has become eclipsed by her newest obsession. But even here, as Villanelle points the gun at Anna, it’s lazy, it’s uncaring. She’s bored and disinterested, because she no longer feels anything. “I’m sorry, but yes,” and it is in that stare that Anna realizes it’s true, and takes her own life because she’s never had the capacity to kill another person, and if she couldn’t have her, Max, or her revenge, then she has nothing left to live for.

Ultimately, Anna was not worthy enough of Villanelle killing her and her last glance at Anna’s body is more one of closure for her than of mourning.

Outside with Irina:

“I’ve decided, you’re a good person.”

I – this scene, Irina, my child, you know things. The thing about children is that they see beyond social morality, they understand the grey. This “through the eyes of a child” technique is sometimes used in books or movies to establish a new perspective (see Innocent Voices by Luis Mandoki).

“Because you’re sad and sad people are usually good.”

At this point in the series we, as the audience, have barely been able to see any possible empathy from Villanelle, but it is through the eyes of a child, Irina, that we are invited to view things differently. In a show whose founding pillar is that of grey morality, we’re invited to view the shades of grey through a new lens: how a character internalizes their actions. For Irina, a child who is yet incapable of understanding that the world does not function in black and white/good or bad, the only way she can gauge in which label a person falls into in her world is by observing the way they process their actions. She can see beyond Villanelle’s façade because Villanelle, in all her deadly glory, still acts very much like a child. Irina can see Villanelle’s sadness, whether it stem from her own actions, her constant emptiness/boredom, or her current reality, does not matter to Irina. Despite everything she’s seen of Villanelle, if she feels so intensely, then Villanelle must be good, or have the potential for goodness. It stops being about Villanelle’s actions and more about Villanelle’s intentions and feelings. This, of course, is too much information for Villanelle to process at the time and so she disregards it with a joke about Irina being a “profound” kid (also, recall how she has a habit of deflecting when things get too emotionally charged for her).

Driving with Konstantin:

“I’m traveling to save my little daughter from a psychopath.” “From Villanelle?” “Yes”

It’s interesting to me how Eve needs to make sure that Villanelle is the person they’re talking about, when she knows Villanelle is the one holding Irina hostage and is aware that she is also considered a “psychopath”. So then, why is that piece of dialog there? What does it say about Eve, who needs a reminder/confirmation, that Villanelle is in fact a/the “psychopath” in question?

“Tell me the truth or I’ll…shoot you in the leg”

Even her threats suck at this point lol We see an Eve who has not yet allowed herself to feel past the adrenaline rush of the “what ifs”, of planning her husband’s murder for fun but would never consider harming another person to the woman who, at the thought of Villanelle being hunted down by the 12, swings an axe repeatedly at a disarmed/ injured man.

“You will get it all” (Konstantin) / “You can have everything” (Aaron)

This concept, for both Eve and Villanelle, of wanting and finally having it all (whether it’s some evil organization or riches and violence) is a theme in both finales. Acquiring their heart’s desires at the expense of the other.

“Where’s Irina” “I have it.”

Here we have a reinforcement of this I-it perspective that Villanelle has at the beginning of S1 and which the closing scene and beginning of S2 completely shake from its foundations. Here, Villanelle still views others as disposable objects.

At the café:

“Suits you”

This contrasts with Villanelle’s previous remark at Anna saying that she wouldn’t shoot her and that she doesn’t know how to use a gun. Eve obviously doesn’t know how to use one either, as she fumbles while taking the gun out of her coat pocket, and yet Villanelle determines that yes, Eve has potential. “You don’t know what to do with that,” is not meant as a jab as it lacks her usual snark, and much more of an observation, she knows that even if Eve tried to shoot her it would be clumsy and even dangerous for Irina.

“Don’t break my heart” “Don’t break mine…you either” she says to Konstantin and then at Eve, revisiting that palpable connection she feels with Eve which neither of them can understand.

“She’s really annoying/I like her/who’s your favorite?” The way we’re made to see Villanelle as being on the same relation to Konstantin as Irina is a way to form a familial bond. To Villanelle, Konstantin is the closest thing to a family she’s had in a long time. There is no sexual tension, no animosity, but something more akin to a father-daughter dynamic. Or one as close as Villanelle can have.

“I want to do my job so I can go home and have a bath.”

I don’t know why it’s so interesting to me that this is said in the S1 finale and the S2 finale’s final scene is set in the Grandi Terme ruins…the grand baths/spa/hot springs. I just wonder about Emerald Fennell’s mind, ya know? Did she plan that? On another note, this is a reminder of V’s attempt at a normal life, but we’ll hear more of that later.

“You’re romantic and you’re a good person, I think.”

Villanelle’s expressions struggle here, she’s looking at Konstantin through the frame Irina presented to her earlier, through intentions. She has spent years with Konstantin and for once is analyzing her experiences with him: him caring for her, caring for his daughter, remaining faithful to his wife, and has determined that yes; he’s a good person. But ultimately, she intellectualizes (in psychology this refers to a defense mechanism which is used to remove one’s self from the emotions attached to a given situation, leaning on our logical mind in order to avoid our feelings) and ultimately decides to shoot. We’ll come back to this later.

“Come with me, just you and me, please. Just you and me”

Can you imagine never feeling anything? Just a void and boredom, nothing else. And then one day this beautiful woman stirs something in you, it would make you curious, maybe. But then she looks at you and asks you to go with her and you actually feel something…

Yeah, I’d be terrified too.

But let’s be honest here, why walk away from the moment? What happens in the mind of a person like Villanelle, after having just witness her first love kill herself, and her newfound obsession offering to run away with her? It doesn’t make logical sense. It is not a possible consideration to surrender the bits of normalcy she indulges in for the sake of a woman who does not know her enough to want her as she should. But she also doesn’t shoot, she leaves the door open, door that Eve follows through all the way to Paris.

We’ll stop here for 1x08, as the apartment scene is better suited for our comparison section.

2x08 Analysis

Aaron’s piazza:

Villanelle genuinely sees Raymond as a threat, hence using the safe word. She knows that there’s no way that she and Raymond won’t cross paths unless she calls off the mission as they are bound to meet during their business meeting, similarly to the previous buyers. Not only that, she also knows that if The Twelve are involved it means Eve is also in danger and in that moment, using the safe word in the only way in which she can convey it.

At the hotel:

Eve chooses to walk away from Hugo, she chooses to prioritize Villanelle’s life and safety over that of her colleague. This moment is so overdramatized in the episode, Hugo’s echoed voice, the tunnel-like effect, and then the song kicks in.

“Just like the color of my mind, I gave my heart to her, she has my heart.”

This moment in which Eve, without question, walks away from Hugo without knowing if he will survive, for the sake of reaching Villanelle, sets the tone for the choices she will make throughout the episode.

Goodness, how sneaky. Hotel Caelius. Marcus Caelius Rufus was a Roman politician around 50BC. Interesting to note, he was known to have had a love affair with a woman named Clodia Pulchra, which suffered a bitter end. So much so that she accused him later on of having poisoned her husband, whom she absolutely loathed, and whom many believed actually died by her hand. I hope this isn’t some sort of foreshadowing for S3 and Niko…

Aaron’s piazza:

“You’ll get bored with her…neither of us will ever be bored again.”

I actually really loved this scene. One of the biggest temptations to dangle in front of Villanelle is the possibility of liberating herself of the one constant in her life she cannot seem to escape, boredom. Much of her life and energy has been spent attempting to relief its ever-increasing weight, so to have Aaron offer everything and anything she could want or need to escape it, is truly the only way to create a realistic threat to the bond Eve and Villanelle share. And does she consider it?

You’re damn right she does. And can you blame her? The only thing Aaron is asking for is the one thing she has been doing for years, to kill. But this time in private, for him, no risks, the lambs brought to her for the slaughter. What better set up could she ask for, if she can have it all? But then Aaron says the one thing that snaps Villanelle out of it:

“Start now”

“You want me to kill Eve?”

“Yes”

There is a moment after she eyes the knife that her expression completely changes, here:

And when I first saw this episode it was in this moment that I knew Villanelle had decided that she wouldn’t betray Eve. Because to me, that stare is full of resignation. She’s resigning herself to giving up “everything” because up until that moment, I imagine, that she pictured this future with Eve. Why else would she turn to her, “Do you hear that, Eve? Everything.” What else could she possibly ask for that she hasn’t had before? Money, clothes, luxuries; she’s had them before Aaron. It is the moment he asks her to kill Eve that she realizes that no, it is not a worthy exchange. She would rather live with this suffocating sense of boredom, of nothingness, of emptiness, than to kill Eve. Do you see why I love this scene? Because if we’re to observe this from Villanelle’s perspective, this is an act of love.

“Do you think I’d kill you Eve?” “Yes”

Um, ouch, really? Rude.

“Do you want to watch?” “Yes”

We have our three spectrum babies in this scene, of course we get a mirror of 2x05’s “Do you want to watch?”. Remember what I talked about in that 2x07 scene where Villanelle has her revelation? About how she’s not like Aaron because he doesn’t crave human connection, but she does? One thing 2x08 does is give us an idea of where each of them are in this spectrum and how close to one another they might be. But we’ll get back to this later, it becomes more explicit in the ruins scene.

Another thing that caught my attention, Villanelle does not look away from Eve as she’s killing Aaron:

She wants Eve to watch, she always has. Villanelle has pushed this envelope since she came in close proximity to Eve; from 2x05 asking if she wanted to witness her interrogation of the Ghost, in 2x06 when she threw Amber’s escort into traffic, and now finally with Aaron. Villanelle sees this as her form of tempting Eve, thinking that perhaps constant exposure will not only desensitize her but also entice her.

I am also fairly certain that Villanelle did not intend to kill Aaron, Eve had asked her not to, after all, and she wanted to keep her word. But it is not until Aaron mentions harming Eve that V decides to kill him. Similarly, when Raymond suggest killing Eve later on is when she finally attacks him; this is where V draws the line, at Eve’s safety. She would rather kill anyone, ruin any mission, disappoint Eve, than for someone to harm her. And part of this is because she believes she’s the only one with any right to harm her, but we’ll get into this later on.

Another thing that I find interesting is the symbolism in the way she kills Aaron. When Villanelle asks Aaron if he wants to watch, he answers “yes” in a very euphoric state; the mare idea of witnessing a kill heightens his senses. Similar to:

Aaron to us, is meant to represent Villanelle before Eve; how she behaved, how she saw the world, how she rationalized her decisions, etc. So, the image of Villanelle slitting his throat while staring at Eve is meant to symbolize the assassination of who she used to be before Eve, by her own hand. All she’s let go off, the ideas of herself and of her life, that tied her down, are all things she was willing to kill, to sacrifice, in exchange for a different future.

“We would never get away from someone like that.”

What I love about this line is Villanelle’s ability to distinguish the difference between Aaron and herself in a conscious and active manner. She used to be “someone like that” so yes, she’d know that Aaron would never stop hunting them down. But this development arc, her ability to see herself as someone different, someone who no longer identifies as a detached person, makes for immense progress in her ability to re-define her idea of “self”.

“Why did I come here?” “Because you wanted to save me…and you did”

Eve is really…in shock. Her ability to process things right now is basically in the negative, so of course she’s questioning why Villanelle even asked for her when she did as she liked regardless. Eve really does not have the ability to process everything that just transpired, to see the monumental decision Villanelle just made by turning down Aaron’s proposal and by killing the person she thought to be psychologically most like herself. But Villanelle is being honest here, Eve did save her, because had it not been for Eve standing in that room with her eyes on her, chances are Villanelle might have given into temptation, might have forgotten herself.

Quick shout-out to Jodie’s facial expressions, they’re hilarious.

Apart from being an incredibly funny comedic relief, I must point out the similarities between the slap scene and the shot scene. In both instances Eve is basically freaking the fuck out to the point Villanelle can’t get a word in, so what does she do? Shock Eve to silence. I don’t know if that’s just a funny coincidence, some sort of light foreshadowing, or something substantial.

“I left Hugo bleeding to come help you…so this cannot be for nothing.” “None of it means anything, it doesn’t matter anymore.” “It matters to me.”

This is a learning moment for Villanelle. To her, there isn’t much of a meaning to life, and it’s hard to blame her when she’s been stuck in the never-ending loop of boredom and emptiness her entire life. But what she learns in this moment is that this mission really matters to Eve, she may not understand why, but she understands that it does. And really, “it matters to me” are the magic words for Villanelle when it comes to Eve. But I think at this point she’s also processing that Eve risked something that, despite her lack of understanding why, means so much to her, for the sake of ensuring her safety.

“I think I’d sleep a lot better.”

Eve, you idiot, you got off to the sound of Villanelle’s moans the night before and slept like a baby, no one believes you.

“You’re getting very sassy”

I mean, yes. The darker the Eve, the longer screen-time her beautiful loose hair gets, the sassier she becomes. Personally, I think that comes from Eve’s confidence in her dynamic with Villanelle.

“Okay!….okay.”

Man, that second “okay”, the gentleness behind it, it’s such a tender moment for her. She doesn’t get it, she really doesn’t. They could just leave right now, get as far away and safe as possible. But no, Eve is determined, and she doesn’t get why but…it matters to Eve. And if it matters to Eve then that’s all she needs to know to pursue this.

“See you soon”

There’s a little nod, half in reassurance and half in question. She’s trying to make sure Eve knows she’s going to keep her word. Because really, Villanelle could just make a run for it right now, and past-her would. But she wants to prove to Eve that she can be trusted, that she will be there when she needs her.

Carolyn:

We learn something crucial during this scene, besides plot developments, and that is that Eve hates being manipulated and will deny anyone who manipulates her. Regardless of reasons, and even though Carolyn explains/justifies killing Aaron with the catastrophic implications that him selling data would have, Eve cannot get herself to accept Carolyn’s manipulation. We also see how important honesty is to Eve, as she refuses to lie about who Villanelle was working for, not even for the sake of her own safety. Honesty is an integral part for Eve and she draws a hard line on manipulation so it is no surprise how she reacts on the finale’s closing scene.

“It’s my job to get the best out of people; Villanelle simply did what she does best and so did you. You’re the person who made this whole operation possible.” “You mean I was the pawn.”

Eve…has a really hard time taking responsibility and accepting things when she gets called out on them. Rationalization and blame displacement are her go-to coping mechanism when faced with negative consequences to her actions. Carolyn is right when she points out that Eve did exactly what she wanted to do, because it’s true. Despite other people’s repeated warnings (such as Kenny’s) she risked her, and other people’s lives by hiring Villanelle for this mission, lied about Villanelle not exhibiting attention-seeking behavior and recklessness (killing Amber’s escort), and overall shot down anyone who opposed her decision making (even her husband).

What angers Eve the most here, and perhaps about being manipulated over-all, is that it implies that the other person was able to intellectually check-mate her. Given her reaction “you mean, I was the pawn,” after Carolyn makes it clear that her actions were predictable, it shows us that, despite the fact that Carolyn is a well-aged agent, Eve’s ego cannot stomach accepting this defeat. This is reinforced at the end of the scene, where Eve tries to get the upper-hand by threatening to tell Kenny the truth, only for Carolyn to trump that retaliation swiftly. Carolyn’s actions, though cold and a clear breach of trust, make sense given the importance of the mission and in line with her character as someone who prioritizes her career, regardless of who it hurts.

“She wouldn’t do the same for you.” “You don’t know that”

Remember 2x07? “I knew she wouldn’t let me down”, “She’s just doing her job”, “She’s working for us, Hugo.” Eve’s trusts in Villanelle has gone through some major growth, she too is beginning to see Villanelle as her equal and someone worth being loyal to.

Konstantin:

“They told me not to kill him, you told me not to kill him!”

“It was not my idea…” “It never is.”

I admit this scene breaks my heart. Villanelle’s face when she realizes that everyone knew her actions were predictable, and she would undoubtably kill Aaron regardless of how much she was told not to. Her sadness at seeing that Konstantin allowed it, but also that she proved them right (“Villanelle, sit still?”) saddens her.

One thing to note is the contrast in the reactions that Villanelle and Eve have when they realize that they were manipulated by their respective uh “handlers”, per se. Whereas Eve became hostile and angry, Villanelle seemed almost heartbroken (“Don’t break my heart”/”Don’t break mine”) to know that Konstantin would allow this. We’ve talked about how, to Villanelle, Konstantin is the closest to a father figure that she’s had, we even talked about the familial relationship that the showrunners established during the “who’s your favorite” routine. So, it evidently stings when Konstantin says that yes, they’re friends, but they’re not family. In contrast to last season, where Konstantin entertains Villanelle’s childish playfulness and plays along with the father-daughter shtick, this season he sets a hard line.

“You chose your family over me?”

Because to V, the vortex she creates around those who she wants in her life should be stronger than the bonds they hold with anyone else but her. In the same manner in which she broke Eve’s familial and friendship bonds, though Eve conceded to these, she expected Konstantin to do the same. However, his relationship with her has always been one of mentor/paternal, and thus lacks the obsessive factor/ingredient needed for that attraction to hold.

Furthermore, through Villanelle’s reaction (“I wouldn’t know, mine are all dead”) we get a glimpse of the residual trauma Villanelle still carries with her from her childhood. As far as the show has told us, Villanelle had a difficult upbringing (her mother having died at a young age and her father being an alcoholic), but there is still much we do not know. What was her relationship with them like before the death of her mother? Did she have any siblings? Any other familial relations? She’s very much aware of her inability to understand this dynamic though it appears to be that she believes this lack of knowledge stems from her not having a family and not because she’s innately unable to. This leads me to wonder if she believes that the root of her antisocial behavior derives from the absence of such individuals in her childhood and, had she had them, does she believe she would have been different? It is also clear to me that The Twelve kept this from her because by isolating her they could tap into the extremes of her ASPD in an easier manner and with complete submission from her, as she had no familial bonds left.

Man, Konstantin you can’t throw the girl a bone and NOT elaborate, come on.

“We are the same.”

I mean, we knew Villanelle saw an equal in Eve, but this confirmation of seeing a reflection of herself in her is impactful and emotive. Considering that Villanelle has expressed her loneliness, her desire to have “someone to watch movies with”, hearing her fully identify with Eve says a lot about her emotions but also, how she sees herself. If we were to consider all the aspects of Eve Villanelle has seen and consider those to be things Villanelle sees in herself, it gives us a relatively clear idea of who Villanelle believes herself to be outside of her Villanelle persona, who Oksansa might be.

Raymond assassination:

“I don’t get scared.”

This is actually very common in psychopathic ASPD patients; many report an inability to feel or identify fear in themselves or others. This is suspected to be due to the reduced size of their amygdala, the structure of the brain responsible for decision-making and emotional response.

Let’s note again that Villanelle does not attack Raymond until he implies harming Eve. Villanelle decides not to play his game because, to her, Eve is too important to risk in a game of chance.

Now, here comes the moment that Villanelle chooses to manipulate Eve:

Villanelle is in control the entire time: her hands are free; she could attack or shoot him with the gun she brought. But in this moment she chooses to force Eve to kill him; she needs proof, she needs affirmation.

“She doesn’t have it in her” – he tries to put her off the thought of killing him by describing a macabre scene.

It is not until Villanelle looks close to passing out/closing her eyes that Eve finally swings because the one thing she wanted more than anything since she came in contact with Villanelle again was to keep her safe. And so, at the sight of Raymond harming Villanelle, she swings.

Let me just note, I love the implication of a bloody baptism.

“I don’t know, do I?”

It’s her first kill, so Villanelle will teach her, she will guide her: “pull it out, hit him in the head,” she instructs as she holds him down. Like a lioness teaching a cub.

“I’m sorry,” Eve’s moral compass is still fighting to dominate her cognitive mind.

“Don’t think,” because if she does her moral compass will take over and she will subdue her darkness again.

“Please, I have children.”

This is, perhaps, the most prevalent examination of psychopathy in this show, the one of empathy. Villanelle fails it every time because she does not feel empathy for most people with the exception of Eve and maybe Gabriel. Raymond uses this to prove that Eve is not like Villanelle and she will succumb to her morality and empathy (I’m also fairly certain he was sure this would guarantee his safety). But as we know, Eve’s morality is grey.

“Imagine he’s a log,” because if she can separate his humanity and picture him into a thing, an I-it relationship will form, similarly to how V sees her victims.

Villanelle’s expression at the sight of Eve killing Raymond: euphoric.

There is the initial surprise and relief, quickly overcome by euphoria. Perhaps one of the greatest signs of Villanelle’s love blossoming, as she is affirmed here that she chose correctly. That this woman would kill to protect her, that she could and would cross that threshold for Villanelle, if for no one else. She has never felt more loved, perhaps, than here. It is a darkness no one has joined her in, not even Anna.

Villanelle takes care of Eve by taking off the bloodied shirt – holds her, embraces her, to help ground her and make her feel safe. Eve instinctually drifts into her arms; she wants and accepts Villanelle’s comfort because she’s the one who knows how to do this.

The slow-motion effect and high ringing we see next is most likely Eve dissociating due to the shock but might be used cinematically to convey the slow opening of the door to Eve’s darkness; a new setting, a new mental state. The only voice she can focus on at this point is Villanelle’s. As they keep walking, we see them in a dark tunnel as Eve asks Villanelle where they are and if she knows the way out, which I take was probably used to reflect Eve’s mental path.

Eve is the one to find the exit, then proceeds to tear down the wooded panels blocking the way out. If we take the tunnel to represent Eve’s mental journey it is possible this symbolizes the end of the birth of her darkness. Whereas just a few minutes ago she was weak, stumbling, nauseous and asking to slow down, now she’s invigorated and strong, cursing as she takes the planks down. Even Villanelle takes note of this, surprised and a bit taken a back, because she did not expect this. She is genuinely concern because yes, she expected Eve to be overwhelmed, but not for this to be her form of expression.

Then we have the domesticity following a kill; the possibility of what they could have.

“We’d be normal” – because all Villanelle wants is someone to watch movies with.

It is only after Villanelle’s startled by the doves that she takes out the gun, instinctively.

“Doesn’t matter” Villanelle knows it does

“How did it feel?” “Wet”

Because the truth is, after the shock wore off, which it wore off rather quickly if I might add, Eve didn’t feel much. She uses a detached descriptor – wet. Could be rain, could be the shower spray, could be blood, it didn’t matter. Wet. And Villanelle recognizes that:

“I’m proud of you.”

“You made us safe.”

Because now, to Villanelle, Eve is finally on equal standing. It is no longer just potential, it is kinetic. Now Eve has shown what she can do, now they both know it, now their pact is sealed; they can protect each other.

“I’m going home.”

I find it interesting how Eve’s go to response when she’s under stress is home. It’s not Niko though, because when she’s there she’s not present with him, it’s her physical home. Her safe space, where she can ruminate through her thoughts. What I do wonder, however, if Niko’s role as her anchor, now being empty, will affect Eve’s ability to center herself in her own house come S3?

Eve asserts herself, “yes I can/ no”, because if there is one thing she cannot stand is being manipulated.

And now comes the last and most important part of this analysis (thank you if you’ve made it this far), the closing scenes.

Villanelle’s heartbreak:

“What do you think is happening here?”

Villanelle’s throat flexes, trying to control her anger, because this – well, this is all too familiar. She shakes her head, tries to remember this is Eve, not Anna.

“Bonnie and Clyde” – “Stop it”

Because no, she doesn’t want that. She wants normal, she wants someone who will watch movies with her, but someone who holds that darkness too. Someone she can trust to make the decision to kill when needed. Someone who won’t have a panic attack and apologize to the man she’s hacking at. She wants normal, not throat-slitting, she wants safe.

“You want me to be a mess, you want me to be scared”

But she really, really, doesn’t, Eve. She wants you to be collected. She wants you to be calculative. You’re the one who wants to be a mess and scared, you wish you were. After the initial shock wore off Eve was no longer afflicted. And perhaps it’s this that makes her push Villanelle away, because she was the catalyst. Because Eve’s worked her entire life to hold herself together, she’s fought to keep that darkness reeled in, but set it free when she feared Villanelle would be harmed, be taken from her. Only to find out that Villanelle manipulated her, forced her into something she was not prepared for. I think part of her anger stems from all the work she’s put in to not submit to her darkness going to waste, but also not having a say on how and when she finally embraced it. Because something that should have been an empowering delicacy was a stressful, traumatic, and bitter affair instead.

“I’m like you now, I’m not afraid of anything” and Villanelle steps back.

The dark tones of the background music kick in, because yes, here’s Eve’s darkness. “This is what you wanted,” in a whisper, almost seductive, “This is what YOU WANTED!” because yeah, she did. And Villanelle gave up all the things she had left to give it to her. When she saw Eve struggling, suffocating under her own determination to force herself into a box, she reached out to help her. Because Eve may have never been strong enough on her own to succumb, and Villanelle knew that. “This is what you wanted,” almost begging, asking her to recognize it, but Eve is not ready for that, much less when she has a way to rationalize and someone else she can assign blame to. What she needed was not to be forced to kill, but to have no absolute option but to. To want it, to enjoy it. If she can make a scapegoat of Villanelle, she will.

Love:

And as she fears losing her hold on her V plays her final card in an act of desperation:

“You love me” / “You like me too much”

“No” – tones of disbelief, how can she when Villanelle did the one thing she cannot stand?

“I love you”

“No” – said more sudden, forceful, because if she did then she wouldn’t have done this.

“You don’t understand what that is.”

This sentence… -sighs- Give me a minute, I need a minute…Okay, this sentence really bothers me. Admittedly, it’s in character for Eve to lash out when she’s angry, but there is only one other instance in which she delivers such a low blow to someone and its:

“I know you care about me; we all know you care about me, sometimes I think it’s all you have.”

To be clear, if Villanelle says she loves Eve then her feelings are valid, similarly to how Eve’s feelings of anger and frustration at being manipulated are valid. What I abhor about that line is that I’m sure many viewers will take that idea with them, that Villanelle truly doesn’t love Eve. Particularly, that there is a correct way to love. Eve can’t say that Villanelle doesn’t know what love is because love is an abstract concept, it does not follow one singular definition, nor does it have one unique way of being felt and expressed. Everyone has different ideas of what love entails and demands, what they need to feel it, and how they express it. Moreover, Eve knows that she’s got her thumb on a sore spot for Villanelle. Her implications are clear: you don’t know what that is because you a “psychopath”, you can’t feel those things, don’t be a fool.

“You’re mine.”

And there it is, folks, ownership. While I refused to play into the concept that Villanelle’s idea of love revolves solely around ownership, what I can agree on is that this is a warped idea in her mind that skews her understanding of love.

And here comes the iron curtain: Villannelle shuts down, detaches, her eyes grow distant.

“I thought you were special.”

“Sorry to disappoint.” – her voice breaks, because she truly is, she truly wanted to be the one, but not like this.

Shoot to kill:

Now, the question here is Villanelle’s intent. There are two meaningful shots from Villanelle in the entire series so far: one is at Konstantin in 1x08 and the other in 2x08 at Eve. Out of these two Villanelle has only shot to kill once, at Konstantin, as it is specifically stated in 2x03:

“I aimed to make sure I didn’t kill you!” “No you didn’t, you aimed my heart.” “…yeah, I did. Nice and clean, just like you taught me.”

And this is because even though Villanelle begins to develop the capacity to feel during the end of S1, she’s still not able to understand what those feelings are. As a matter of fact, most of Villanelle’s character growth took place in S2 and was directly caused as a result of Eve’s stabbing. It was the catalyst. At the end of S1 Villanelle was not yet capable of forging ties and bonds with people in the manner that she became capable of in S2, and so, when she was placed in a situation where she had to choose between her quality of life and killing Konstantin it was a done deal. Was it easy? Not exactly, we see the way she stalls with “You’re a romantic and you’re a good person,” the way her face twitches and her eyes water as she stares and, I believe, feels a level of sadness, however small. But again, she isn’t psychologically or emotionally capable of forming permanent ties in S1 just yet, so she intellectualizes her situation and shoots, with the explicit intention of killing her target. If not for Irina’s struggling, her shot would’ve successfully disposed of Konstantin. But then, if we know Villanelle shoots to kill, why are we faced with this parting shot at the end of 2x08:

A side shot. A side shot very well positioned to mirror:

And from here we enter the next and most vital section: love language.

It goes without saying that Villanelle and Eve have a volatile relationship, an all-consuming vortex that sucks everything in their life in and leaves them empty, with nothing else but each other.

In 1x08 we hear Sigh by Unloved begin to play right as Eve is looking through Villanelle’s apartment, and I love this because the lyrics always play right before either of them do something rash in response to the other as stimuli. Right as the last “There’s something about the way you are that makes me…” begins to fade out Eve begins thrashing the apartment.

It is the conversation that follows that serves as a foundation for what would become their volatile dance in S2:

“So, you trash my apartment because you like me so much?”

“I know it’s not conventional”

V smiles here because, well, she’s not conventional either.

“What do you want? Honestly. Don’t be a dick.”

“Normal stuff,” she says with a frown because, what else is she supposed to want? “Nice life, cool flat, fun job, someone to watch movies with.”

And then we have the iconic bed scene:

Don’t give me your heart, I can’t take it. Don’t give me your smile, I can’t break it.

(Man, I really want to do a music score analysis, can you tell?)

“Are you going to kill me?”

-shakes head-

“Promise?”

“Promise.

Really, how did we expect Villanelle to kill Eve when she promised not to?

And then, just as Villanelle is about to lean in

Well, you know. Anyways, it isn’t until Villanelle says “I really liked you” that Eve snaps out of it and tries to help her.

It is then no coincidence that we see this in 2x01

“I think I might’ve killed her.”

If this doesn’t establish their love language, I don’t know what does.

You see, the thing about VillanEve is that violence is their love language. Rashness, impulsivity, tension, fear, intimidation; these are all the factors that make their only mode of communication. Do they occasionally enjoy the intimacy? The tender moments of openness? Yes, but they have yet to develop the ability to adequately communicate, and thus all their meaningful messages are sent in violent manners. The first time Eve demanded honesty she offended Villanelle’s ability to perform her job, a job that is very much part of her identity. The first time Villanelle demanded respect she asserted her power (I like you, but I don’t like you that much) and reminded Eve of her so called “normalcy”. Every important aspect of their relationship has been built upon by either lashing out, threatening, or harming one another. This is a language that Villanelle speaks, and one that Eve is drawn to but has yet to accept as part of herself. (We see this displayed in 1x06, where she slaps and pushes Niko, then waits for him to react, only for him to tell her “You don’t want that in your life.”)

So, why did Villanelle shoot Eve?

To Villanelle, one of Eve’s most significant signs of love was that stab wound, only followed by Eve finally killing someone for her. She’s aware that she has tainted that for Eve, she may not understand why, but she understands Eve is no longer willing to accept a future with her after being manipulated. She knows that the only other act of love between them, the one Eve gave her herself, might be the only possible act that can salvage their bond. If she and Eve are truly the same (which she has bet her entire life on, so you better believe she believes that completely) then returning the act should prove to Eve that her love is real.

So, she shoots. Not to kill, to prove something, and she does it in the exact same place to ensure Eve gets the message. Eve has always loved the hidden messages Villanelle would leave her on her victims, now she can have one herself. Let’s also note that Villanelle waits until she’s sure Eve’s walking away, until she’s certain Eve is rejecting her. Part of me is certain that V might not have been able to shoot otherwise, not even with her steel eyes and the way she detaches as she prepares, it would pain her too much.

In closing:

Something I’ve seen in the fandom over the past week has been a lot of confusion and overall hostility towards either of these two characters and I’m convinced that stems from a lack of understanding, really. We all know they’re meant to have an unconventional relationship but I think knowing that and actually understanding what that means are two very different things.

Villanelle should not have manipulated Eve into killing Raymond, that’s unquestionable. Even if Eve really had longed to release that part of her, it wasn’t Villanelle’s place to make the decision if and when she finally did kill someone. It’s a very personal thing, a part of Eve coming into herself, that she had no control over, but was forced to cave under. What’s more, I think in a way, there’s a short-sightedness to Villanelle’s decision to manipulate Eve, which only serves to highlight her impatience.

Eve should not have projected unto Villanelle ideas that clearly went against the very things Villanelle had conveyed to her. Just a few minutes before Villanelle had been talking about making dinner, getting a cabin for them in Alaska, and how beautiful the sights were. Sure, she mentioned that they could keep themselves safe now, but what she had described, more than anything, was normalcy. I admit, I was impressed with how well Villanelle was able to control her anger during this part of the argument, because I think it became even evident to her what Eve was doing.

Eve also shouldn’t have invalidated Villanelle’s declaration of love because no one has the right to do that to anybody regardless of the circumstance. It’s not a matter of right or wrong, it’s a matter of fallaciousness. Emotions and their concepts are complex and unique to each individual, no one can say someone else doesn’t feel the way they claim to feel because it doesn’t make it any less real. It also makes sense that Villanelle thinks love is somehow tied to ownership given that she’s never truly felt genuine care and affection, as far as we’re aware. The first woman she loved was an adult married woman who basically used her as a mistress. She was the hidden lover, the one who Anna would never trade her safe and comfortable life for, but happily have behind closed doors. It makes sense that the closes thing to understanding love is through I-it relationships because it’s all she had before Eve came along. Of course she wants to own Eve, she likes to own things that make her feel. It’s not that she consciously wants to treat Eve as an item, it’s that it’s her only form of expressing it with the emotional language she already knows. Remember what one of the traits of people with ASPD can be? The inability to feel (strongly, or at all), identify, convey, and/or express emotions.

I truly do think Villanelle loves Eve, she just doesn’t know how to properly convey it or express it.

I mean, this woman gave up everything. She gave up her job, she gave up the riches Aaron offered her, she risked her life. She held back from harming Niko despite it being her natural urge. It’s pretty taught to imagine that the person who, up until now, only cared about herself would do such a thing for no emotionally significant reason.

Eve, though, still has a lot of things about herself to process, she did during most of the season, but in order to do so she must allow herself to feel all of those feelings and thoughts she keeps repressing. She loves to find ways to distract herself from ever having to process anything (from work to buying a ton of windows from a telemarketer), she constantly uses blame displacement when she’s overwhelmed (poor Kenny felt the brunt of this this season), she rationalizes all of her actions even when there is no logic to her decision making.

I also do think Eve either loves, or is falling in love with, Villanelle. But I think right now she has so much to process that she just doesn’t know what she feels so she’s letting her idea of what she thinks she “should” and “shouldn’t” feel from Villanelle make decisions for her that she will later regret. I think that, as she turned to walk away from Villanelle, she had an idea of what the risk was, but she felt like she had to set hard boundaries with her and this was the only way to do so.

All in all, the finale seems to be, to me, a culmination of all the things they need to work on if they ever want to make their relationship work. Neither of them is in a place where they can actively communicate, where they can be vulnerable with each other and talk about their feelings, what they want, and how they want to get there. Until they’re both able to address these different unhealthy aspects of themselves they won’t be able to develop a productive and stable (and I mean stable in their sense, not what is commonly perceived to be “stable”) relationship. They’re both going to keep assuming the other to be either the person they want them to be or the person they’re afraid they are. And I say this because, while it is true that Eve has dark aspects to her psyche, she may very well not be suitable for assassinations. She may never be fit to repeat that event, maybe she never was meant to, and Villanelle will have to ask herself if she’s okay with that. In the same manner, Eve will have to ask herself if she’s capable of putting aside her fears that Villanelle can only have I-it relationships, stop assuming that Villanelle is her diagnosis, and actually see her for who she really is. As for their love language, while it would certainly be convenient both for them and our hearts if they could learn another way to communicate (I fear the fandom may have a collective mental breakdown if one of them tries to kill the other again), it may or may not change. I think it will be S3’s job to determine if this is indeed a language they can both agree in, and if it is, we should be prepared for more mutual violence. In that scenario, each act of violence would be a demonstration of passion and thus, its secession would be what we would dread. However, if they are able to develop healthy and productive communication skills then there may still be the possibility of normalcy for these two women.

@gaymessonmain, its a lot, I know lol

#killing eve #villanelle #eve polastri #villaneve

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seeaddywrite · 6 years ago

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malex + “Please, be gentle with me. I’ll break if you aren’t careful enough.” please! 💕

this one was really hard, because neither of our boys are generally the openly mushy type! but i tried – i hope you enjoy! :) & look, a rare sighting of Alex’s pov on this blog! also, this one is a companion fic to this one.

warnings for ptsd, panic attacks, self-hatred & an unreliable narrator.

The thing that no one tells a stupid kid about to enlist isn’t that going to war fucks you up — everyone knows that. It’s broadcast through the media, in television shows and romance novels, and hell, there are even commercials about vets with post-traumatic stress disorder. As a kid, Alex was privy to the more intimate details of what that looks like; he’s pretty sure Jesse Manes wasn’t born with a mindset that allowed breaking his own son’s bones. That, Alex figures, came from what he did to survive during his own tours of duty.

Alex doesn’t like to admit that he’s got anything in common with the psychopath who fathered him, but it’s hard to ignore, lately. As a kid, despite the constant fear that his own father was going to go too far and actually kill him one day, Alex was pretty optimistic. He had plans — leaving Roswell came first, followed by pursuing a music career in a real city, without the small minds that came from small town living. Later, it had been finding a gorgeous, guitar-playing guy to create a life with far, far away from his family and the insanity that seems to run rampant in their genes. Because young Alex wasn’t like his father, or his grandfather, or even his oldest brother. He was sane, and he wasn’t going to get sucked into the violence and rigidity of a military existence chasing aliens.

Military service changed all of that. Some of it for the better — Alex isn’t stupid enough to say that there was nothing good about his time in the Air Force. Enlisting showed him the aptitude he hadn’t known he had for computers, had introduced him to some of his closest friends, and given him the skills and courage he needed to realize that Jesse Manes wasn’t nearly as powerful as he liked his children to think. He’s proud of his service.

Unfortunately, pride isn’t enough to stop him from realizing that not all of his internal changes were positive ones. Some days, when he looks in the mirror, all he can see is the negative — how the circles beneath his eyes tell everyone of his newly complicated relationship with sleep, and how the crutch he leans on constantly denotes weakness to anyone who looks at him. But, more than the physical, Alex hates the emotional changes from who he used to be. Anxiety has become an inconstant companion, coming and going as it pleases and leaving him shaking and pale for no external reason. Even when he’s feeling stable, it’s so much harder to feel excited, or even content. Every happy moment is constantly overshadowed by the question of when it will end, and Alex loathes that more than anything.

Because while everything else has changed, his feelings for Michael Guerin are still as deep and passionate as ever, and Alex can’t enjoy it. He tries, God, he tries. But every time he thinks he can do it, when he’s confident in his own ability to be what Michael needs, something sparks that same anxiety that has sent him running a hundred times before. Michael kisses him at the reunion? Alex panics when Isobel Evans might find out. Michael takes him on an actual date, in public, and stares at him with obvious affection, uncaring of who can see — Alex lets his father get under his skin and hurts Michael enough that he can actually see the heartbreak in his eyes. One would think that after all that, Michael would punch Alex when he comes around, asking questions about his past and who he is, but the other man still lets him in … and, yet again, despite his intentions, Alex runs away as soon as he realizes there’s a chance that Michael might abandon him. It’s a miracle that Michael doesn’t seem to hate him even now; God knows that Alex hates himself.

It’s a cycle he can’t break, and Alex is resigned to the fact that he’s not meant to figure it out. He works alongside Michael and the others, helping them fight back against Project Shepherd and his father as his penance, trying to show Michael how much he means to him without trampling all over his heart, but some days, he aches with wanting the other man’s arms around him. On the hard days, when he hurts to much to wear his prosthetic and can’t leave his house, or when he’s curled on the bathroom floor, gasping through the aftermath of a nightmare and trying to ground himself with the stupid techniques his military-appointed shrink assigned him before deeming him fit for duty, Alex always has to resist calling Michael. He knows he would come. Of course he would. It’s like a law of the universe: whenever Alex needs him, Michael Guerin comes. So Alex can’t ask, can’t need him, because he’s got nothing to give back.

So the night that the guy Maria has nicknamed ‘Racist Hank’ punches a guy and sends him sprawling into Alex’s bad leg while he’s spending some time with the others outside of working and running for their lives, Alex sucks it up when the immediate throb in his residual limb sends him spiraling. Pain doesn’t always have this effect on him; Alex’s usually as calm and competent with pain management as he is with hacking. But every ache in that leg sends him straight back to Baghdad, to the crash and the adrenaline, to waking up in a German hospital to find himself missing a limb –

Alex cuts off that line of thinking quickly. It’s not quite a panic attack, not yet, though he knows that if he doesn’t get a handle on himself, it’ll become one. He’s gotten good at hiding his weaknesses behind a mask of competency and detachment, and it works that night, too. Liz glances at him once, from where she leans against Max’s arm, but she only flashes him a smile. Michael, though – Michael’s eyes, as always, track his every movement, and seem to know way too much. Alex does his best to ignore the fog creeping into his mind and the way his fingers shake when he releases the beer bottle in his hands. He keeps up with the conversation around the table for a few minutes, nodding when Isobel declares that they all need more drinks, and smiling woodenly when Max kisses Liz on the mouth – but soon, he can’t manage it. It takes all of his focus to stay seated, to keep his stomach from overturning. His leg aches, though Alex can’t be sure that it’s a physical pain, and he’s desperate to leave before his heart beats out of his chest and shows everyone what a coward he is.

Salvation comes in Michael’s quiet voice. “Hey, you good, man?”

Alex wants to answer. He simultaneously wants to insist that he’s fine and walk out of the bar under his own power and to burrow into Michael’s arms and hide there until he can breathe normally again. Fuck. He flinches at Michael’s calloused hand on his, and guilt at the way the other man yanks his hand back as if stung adds itself to the heap of negative emotion in his head.

Michael doesn’t say anything about that, though. Those uncannily perceptive eyes just watch him as Alex struggles to find his voice, to find any words to get him out of this situation –

And again, Michael saves him. “You want to get out of here?”

Alex’s answering nod is desperate, and he’s not sure he cares. His breath is starting to stutter, and it’s going to become impossible to maintain any sort of dignity if he starts hyperventilating in the middle of Maria’s bar. After all of his hard work to show his friends that he’s fine, that he came back from war with all of his faculties, and that they don’t need to worry about him, that would definitely be a blow to his pride. And at this point, Alex feels like pride is one of the few things he’s got left.

Michael turns around to talk to the others; Alex doesn’t know what he says, but when the other man turns around expectantly, he finds himself stuck in the chair. The low-level ache in his leg is still there, and he doesn’t want to stand – he’s not sure he could, even, without help. So, swallowing past the lump in his throat, he waves at his leg in vague explanation and asks hoarsely, “Think you could give me a hand?”

He’s expecting Michael to haul him out of the chair, and part of him is excited for the prospect – it gives him an excuse to let Michael hold him together, if only for the few minutes it takes to make it out the door. But instead, Michael just puts his hands out and waits.

It’s harder than he’d like to reach out and take the offer. It’s stupid, since Alex is the one who asked for help, but this – this feels like he’s asking for too much, admitting to weakness. But Alex reaches out anyway, because he can’t fall apart in the middle of the Pony, and he trusts Michael.

They make it out the door pretty quickly after Alex throws a half-hearted wave at the rest of their friends, and he all but falls into Michael’s chest when they’re alone on the dark street. Alex presses his face into Michael’s neck, inhaling the familiar scent of sweat and motor oil and laundry detergent like it’s smelling salts or something. It works – or maybe it’s just the warmth of Michael’s body, and the sturdiness of his muscles, holding Alex up while he can’t quite manage it alone.

“Hey,” Michael’s voice is low, and Alex can feel it rumble through his chest. “You okay?”

Alex chuckles, and knows the sound isn’t a happy one. “You already know the answer to that.” His voice sounds raspy, like he’s been screaming – and Alex supposes he has, though the noise has all been internal.

“You checked out on us during that fight. You faked it pretty well for a while, but I – I could tell something was wrong.” Of course he could. Michael’s always been able to read Alex so, so well. “You want me to take you home? Maria won’t let anyone tow your SUV.” The offer sounds so good that Alex’s exhales in relief, his pounding heart easing slightly at just the thought of being in a safe, isolated place with Michael.

“I can –” But Michael doesn’t let him finish, and the accusation that Alex is trying to push him away again, to insist that he’s fine when it’s blatantly obvious that he’s falling apart at the seams, stings. He goes rigid as his lungs stop cooperating, and he yanks himself out of Michael’s embrace, nearly tumbling down to the sidewalk when his weight is put back on the prosthetic. He catches his balance, though, and looks at Michael even when he’d rather avert his gaze.

“I was just going to say that I can send her a text tomorrow and ask her to have someone drive it to the cabin,” he tells Michael in a soft voice. “I’d appreciate the ride. If you don’t mind.” It sounds like every too-polite interaction they’ve had over the last few months, since Alex insisted they be friends, and maybe that’s what Michael wants. The way he stomps over to the driver’s seat of the truck doesn’t really seem to support that theory, but Alex ignores it and clambers into the other seat, biting down hard on his cheek when he’s forced to use the prosthetic to push himself into the cab.

Once inside, Alex sits with his hands clenched on his thighs to keep himself from reaching out to Michael as a way to anchor himself. His breath is once again coming too quickly, and he has to keep his mouth shut, because he’s not sure what embarrassing things would fall out of it, otherwise. But Michael isn’t content with the silence, and Alex ends up telling him what happened at the bar, about the panic that creeps up on him sometimes for no real reason. He expects to be swamped with embarrassment, but Michael’s calm assertion that panic doesn’t always need a reason keeps the mortification at bay.

“Anything I can do to help?”

The casual question, the offer insinuated within it so easily, makes Alex’s eyes sting. There are a thousand things he could say, each of them dismissive and right, because he has no business dragging Michael into the shitshow that is his life right now, not again. But he can’t stop himself from grabbing at Michael’s hands as soon as the engine turns off in front of the cabin, even when he realizes that the strength of his grip is probably hurting him. He stares intently into Guerin’s eyes, letting him see pat the walls and the facade and into the swirling anxiety and desperation that’s doubling as his mind.

But letting him in isn’t enough. Michael wants the words, and Alex doesn’t know if he can give him that. “Don’t make me ask,” he begs in a whisper. Don’t make me admit it. Just - please be gentle with me. I’ll break if you’re not careful enough, and if you put me back together, I’ll never be able to let you leave.

Alex doesn’t know if Michael’s being stubborn, or if he’s finally hit the point of no return with the man – maybe this is when he’s going to get shoved out of Michael’s life, instead of the other way around. He’d deserve it, he knows he would. But he says the words anyway, when pushed, spilling all of his anxieties and unwanted desires when Michael points out that he’s not a mind-reader. His hands shake harder than ever as he speaks, but there are strong fingers supporting them, clasping them against Michael’s chest and holding him steady, so Alex gets through it.

When Michael whispers against his hair that he’ll stay, that Alex is okay, the latter gives up and weeps openly into the strong shoulder beneath him. The embrace is exactly what he needs in that moment, strong and gentle, warm and soft, with Michael’s ridiculous curls tickling his damp cheeks. Alex isn’t ashamed to admit that he clings, his fingers scrabbling against the collar of Michael’s button-down shirt to get at skin.

“Easy,” Michael murmurs again, and there’s a hand against his back, rough fingers stroking along Alex’s spine. “I’ve got you.” It’s impossible to disbelieve him like this, with their chests pressed together to tightly that Alex can feel Michael’s heartbeat against his own. He nods jerkily, his own hands finally giving up on the buttons and sliding down Michael’s sides to delve under the fabric and press against the flat, strong planes of his stomach. While normally he’d be appreciating the other man’s physique, this time, it’s all about the warmth and comfort another man’s skin against his brings.

“You ready to go inside?” Michael asks, an indeterminable amount of time later. Alex’s breathing has returned to normal, and his hands no longer shake – and, most importantly, he can think straight again.

He nods once, starting to disentangle himself from Michael. The look in the other man’s eyes makes him pause, though, and Alex raises an eyebrow. “You said you’d stay,” he says plaintively, when it’s clear that Michael’s questioning his welcome in Alex’s home. “I’m hoping you meant longer than half an hour. Especially since I spent most of that time ruining your shirt.” Alex jerks his chin at the wet patch on the shoulder of Michael’s flannel, his ears feeling hot with shame.

“That what you want?” Michael asks, and there’s a wariness in his voice that makes Alex furious with himself all over again. If he hadn’t left before, over and over again, Michael wouldn’t need to ask that question. He would trust Alex the first time – but that’s Alex’s cross to bear.

“You’re what I want,” Alex says firmly, catching Michael’s good hand in his again. He’s learned his lesson tonight about verbalizing what he wants, and while he fully anticipates forgetting it the next day for his dignity’s sake, tonight, he’s willing to keep talking if it proves to Michael that he’s serious. “I want you to stay with me tonight. In my bed. And tomorrow, too, if you want – you might change your mind, because I don’t sleep worth a damn much, anymore – but yeah, Michael. That’s what I want.” He catches his lower lip between his teeth, chewing at it uncertainly before adding, “Please?”

Michael leans back and unlocks the truck’s doors, then disappears outside for a long minute. Alex’s heart begins to pound as he realizes that he might have just been rejected – but before he can figure it out, Michael’s back, on his side of the vehicle this time, and opens the door. “I’m thinking pancakes for breakfast,” he says, once both of Alex’s feet are on the ground, and he staring up at Michael, hopeful and confused all at once. “C’mon, Alex,” he finishes, shaking his head. “Don’t look at me like that, like you don’t already know the answer. I’ve been waiting for you to tell me to stay for ten years – you can’t really think I’d say ‘no,’ now.”

Alex’s eyelids fall closed for a moment in pure, unadulterated relief, and once again, he tucks himself into Michael’s arms, trusting that he’d hold him upright. Because, there it was in action, the single law of their universe: whenever Alex needs him, Michael Guerin is always there.

#my fic #malex fic #michael guerin/alex manes #this is very alex introspection-y #and got a bit lengthier than intended #whoops

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thexgrayxlady · 6 years ago

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Hey, 12. "Don't you trust me?" from the Angst/fluff Prompt List. For Shepard and Kaidan.

Notes: Sorry thistook so long to finish. It kind of got away from me.

Scheherazade

He could still turn back.

The floor was dead. The overhead lights buzzed and hisfootsteps echoed in the too empty hall. The walls were a hospital off-beigethat if there was some signs of life, might not have been so distressinglysterile. This part of the building wassupposedly sectioned off for apartments, but the only signs of life were theguards stationed at regular intervals down the too long and too narrow hallway.

Security was tight. Anderson had to vouch for him just to beon the list of approved visitors. Then it took days of screenings to actually geta time slot for a visit. He had to get approval to bring in coffee. Thenlayers and layers of locks, scanners, searches, and guards quarantining theapartment at the end of the hall from the rest of the building.

Kaidan didn’t know what the hell the brass thought wastingresources on this kind of security was going to do when Shepard decided she wasdone with this. He doubted any of it would even slow her down.

He could still turn back. Get back on the elevator and goback through the searches and scanners and guards. Tell his parents he couldmeet them for lunch early. She would never know. Even if she did, he doubtedshe’d care.

But he needed to do this. Shepard was willing to tradeinformation. He had to know it was good before he sent his students to act onit.

Besides, a second coffee would go cold before he could drinkit.

He showed his credentials to the guard at the door. He wasyoung, but to have this kind of post, he had to have some experience. He had notags or identifying marks of any kind. None of them did. Too dangerous to giveShepard something like that.

He asked how she was doing. The guard shrugged, said he’dnever talked to her, but she seemed friendly. Laurie really liked her. The newnightshift guy played cards with her once, said she was terrible at poker, butenjoyed playing anyway. He reminded the guard to be careful what they told herand to tell nightshift to stop playing cards with her. She was better than theythought she was.

The guard swiped his keycard and scanned his hand. The heavydoor slowly slid open. He didn’t realize he was holding his breath until herealized that the only thing on the other side was a short entry hall, hastilyconverted to secondary containment.

The young guard paged the interior, told them that they hada visitor. This time, Kaidan was acutely aware of his heavy beating heart.

For all the time he spent getting preparing for this, hewasn’t ready to see her again.

The apartment was small, sparsely furnished. There was atreadmill by the window, wear already obvious on the belt. A desk covered inneatly stacked books. Her nearly trademarked color coded folders laid out forefficiency next to her favorite pens.

It reminded him of her home on Arcterus station. Ready to beshown to a prospective buyer at a moment’s notice and they would never know wholived there before.

Her guard was a heavily muscled woman with her hair drawnback in a tight regulation bun. She was amped. He couldn’t imagine they’d leaveanybody with a weapon she could use.

“Commander Alenko,” Shepard said. She cut silently aroundher guard, her lips drawn into her perfect, made for the cameras smile. Sheexuded easy confidence, it was obvious that no matter how qualified or capableher guard was, Shepard was in control. “What a pleasant surprise.”

Shepard looked much like she always did. All lean muscle andrazor sharp edges neatly wrapped up in a designer suit. He didn’t know if hewas expecting different. If destroying a solar system had changed her at all,she hid it well.

“Brought yousomething,” he said, holding the coffee cup out to her.

“Thank you. That was very considerate,” she said. Shepardgestured to the kitchenette, then turned back from the guard. “You can leave usnow.”

“Mira.” She had the guards wrapped around her fingeralready. “You know I can’t leave you…”

“Laurie.” The guard’s eyes went wide. Shepard wasn’tsupposed to know names. “This is official business.” Shepard set her cup downon the table and rounded on the woman. Shepard was soft and polite and withoutthinking, Kaidan cut in between them. “We’ll be discussing sensitiveinformation and he has the same clearances as Hackett and Anderson.”

Behind him, Laurie stiffened and his amp port tingled, butshe slowly retreated to the door.

“What the hell was that?” he asked. She could have just putthat woman’s career in jeopardy and for what?

“Don’t worry Commander,” she said, leaning back in her chairand draping her arm over the back. “We’re on camera. There’s a series of suitswatching me from the building across the street. If this arrangement is goodenough for Anderson and Hackett, it should suit you.”

“I’m not worried about security,” he said. “How do you thinkit’s going to look for her when her supervisor finds out that she left you without…”

“She’ll be fine. I don’t get social calls,” Shepard said,pulling out a chair for herself and gesturing to the one opposite for him. “TheAlliance would prefer information be kept on a need to know basis. She doesn’tneed to know. So if you would please sit down so we can get to business.”

He took the chair across from her. She studied him with idlecuriosity, like she was supposed to be here.

“It’s so nice of you to come see me.” Something about theway she said nice made him think it was anything but. “What brings you here?”

He should have said, “Because I’m heading up operationsbased on your intel. I need to make sure I’m not sending my students into atrap.”

But that wasn’t everything. Before this, she fed theminformation on Cerberus operations. She made a deal with Hackett for immunity.She set Jack up with a job at Grissom. They even worked together on a fewoperations. He thought things were getting better between them. Then, out ofnowhere, she destroyed a relay and killed hundreds of thousands of Batariancolonists. There was no coming back from that. No matter how much he wanteddifferently. But he wanted to understand.

Instead, he sat in silence, drinking his coffee and tryingto think of what to say to a woman who he’d once loved and now, barely knew. Allthe while, Shepard watched him like a circling hawk.

She picked up her coffee, swirled it a couple times and tookan experimental sniff. Then, almost casually, she swapped their cups. Shebarely managed to conceal her disgust when she tasted the milk and sugar inhis. She said nothing, but the accusation stung.

“Don’t you trust me?” he asked. Even at her paranoid worst,she was never like this. Listening to what he thought was her death overAlchera almost destroyed him. Even with everything she’d done, he wouldn’t dothat.

“You’re an Alliance man.” Shepard shrugged and took anothersip. “Night shift leaves creamer in the mini-fridge if you want it.” As if that was his biggest problem with thissituation.

“I would neverhurt…” he started. “Do you think that I could poison you?”

“I think it would be convenient for the Alliance if I don’tmake it to trial,” she said. Like she was talking about the weather. “Don’t act so surprised. You, of all people,should know I’m not the first monster they’ve swept under the rug.”

He feigned interest in coffee creamer. He should have expectedit. Her handlers thought it was too dangerous for her to have names. He’d toldher way more than that. He’d given her everything she needed hurt him. And hetrusted her enough to think she wouldn’t use it.

That hurt more than the jab itself. More so because shedidn’t mean it. She just knew that it would hurt.

So he fumbled with the lid. Watched hazelnut cream swirlslowly into coffee until he could look at her again. She stared back, studyinghim clinical and uncaring, and he still couldn’t quite make eye contact.

“You’ve been giving Hackett information,” he said, slowly takingback his position across from her.

“Alliance isn’t giving out luxury house arrest suites forfree,” she said. Had she always sounded so condescending? “You think I’mholding back the good stuff for a better view?”

“We both know you can leave whenever you want.”

“I could, couldn’t I?” She smiled and he half expected tosee a second row of teeth behind it. Her aura of danger had been exciting once.He almost couldn’t believe he’d ever loved it. “Almost begs the question, whatdo I get for staying?”

“Room, board, and a court appointed lawyer,” he said. Shewanted him to bait him into trying to figure out why the hell she came back. Hedidn’t care enough to join her game.

“Two out of three’s not bad.” She shrugged and he glancedover at her desk. He hadn’t noticed the subject material before. She was justarrogant enough to defend herself, but she was also good enough to pull it off.Even now, he had to admire her ego.

“So, if you’re so sure I’m going to break out,” she saidwith detached interest. “Do you want to run away with me again?”

“You know what I’m going to say.” Was it his imagination ordid she look disappointed?

“Pity. You made a damn good traitor Alenko,” she said. “Whatchanged?”

“I know where my loyalties lie.” She hadn’t changed. She wasangry and frustrated at a stagnant career and she took advantage of theNormandy attack to get out. Even if she hadn’t really joined Cerberus, for twoyears, she let him think she was dead. That he abandoned her to suffocate alonein the dark.

After everything that happened to him, he knew better thanto fully trust the Alliance. He had a history, a faulty implant, and ties toShepard. If something else went wrong, he’d be an easy target. But at leastwith them, he knew what he was getting into.

“After everything I’ve done, you still don’t trust me.” Shesaid it like a fact. The sky was blue. Her drivers’ license was fake. He didn’ttrust her. And it didn’t bother her in the slightest.

“It’s exactly because of everything you’ve done,” hereplied.

“You knew who I was when you helped steal a ship andfollowed me into the Terminus. That night before Ilos, you knew what you weregetting into. You did it anyway,” she said, her eyes flashing a dangerous, coldblue. He’d seen that look before. When she went up against Saren on the Citadeland knew just what she had to say. “And from what I can see, you did nothingbut benefit. Don’t get me wrong, you deserve it. You’re a good soldier Alenko.I was too. Look how they rewarded me.” She dismissively gestured to theapartment and the heavy locks on the door.

“You destroyed a star system and killed three hundredthousand Batarian colonists,” he said.

“Did you have a pointcoming here?” she asked, her lips drawn into a thin line. “Or did you just wantto remind me exactly why I didn’t want to come back?”

“What happened in the Bahak system?” he asked.

“If you’re talking to me, then you’ve either already readthe files or you’re a fool.” She draped an arm over the back of the chair andstared out the window. “You’re manythings, but not a fool.”

“Humor me,” he said. He still regretted that he didn’t tryto hear her out on Horizon. This time, he’d listen.

“Cerberus took control of a mining facility, just like X57. Theysent me in to finish the job.” To anybody else, she could have sold it. But heknew her too well to think she was doing anything other than reading off ascript.

“That’s what the files say.” She promised she would neverlie to him. He was never comfortable with the double standard, but he could useit now. “What really happened?”

“Kaidan, why does it matter?” She rested her forehead on herfingertips and for just a second, the illusion fell away.

Her clothes hung off of her. Her ribs rose and fell underthe fine cotton. Her hair was thinner than he remembered. She’d covered up darkcircles under her eyes as best she could with makeup, but it wasn’t perfect. Hercuticles were faintly ripped, her fingertips covered in papercuts and her palmshad small spots of ink.

For a month, all she had for company were people who weren’tallowed to talk to her, weren’t even allowed to tell her their names. Everyonewho came to see her either wanted something from her or wanted to tell her whatto do. He couldn’t blame her for resenting visitors after that.

She worked herself to the bone under good circumstances.Living like this, she wasn’t sleeping, instead spending every spare momentworking on her defense because she didn’t trust anybody else to do it. If notthat, she was running until she was almost too tired to stand out of a mix ofstress and boredom. Her world shrank down from an entire galaxy to two rooms.Not an inch of either she had to herself, even for a moment. For all the power and control she tried toproject, she had neither.

He’d been in the middle of enough cover ups to know whenthere was something more going on.

He thought she was here only because she wanted to be. ThatShepard could leave whenever she wanted to. She still could and she knew it. Yetshe stayed. Mira was normally long gone by the time things got dangerous. Yetshe surrendered quietly. Mira Shepard never did anything if she didn’t have areason. Even more so if that thing could end in her death. There was somethingstronger than locks or walls holding her here.

But it was only for a second. She tucked away theexhaustion, loneliness, and fear. Her hand stopped shaking on the coffee cup.Her eyes stopped flicking to the door. And just like that, she was poised anddignified, like there was nowhere else in the world she’d rather be. She had no use for those kinds of feelings, soit was better to just compartmentalize. She made it too easy to forget she was only human

There was a chance that this was what she wanted him to see,but even at her worst, she never wanted people to feel sorry for her.

He wanted to reply, “Because you still matter to me,” but hedidn’t think she’d forgive him.

“I need to know if we can trust your information,” he said. Likethere wasn’t some little part of him that desperately wanted to reach acrossthe table, take her hand, and tell her…he didn’t know what exactly. He didn’t know if there was anything he could say.

She got up and went to stand by the window. He wasn’t sureif he imagined Shepard dragging her feet through the first few steps. He followed,but stopped just too far to touch her even if he wanted to. Even if she’d allowit, there was too much between them.

“All you need to know is that I have no regrets.” There wasearthforged steel in her spine and she spoke with nothing less than perfectconviction.

“What’s out there Shepard?” He didn’t think she’d say itoutright, but Shepard didn’t lie to him and he still knew her well enough tounderstand.

“Three hundred thousand dead Batarians and a broken relay,”she said, folding her hands behind her back. She picked her words carefully,unable to tell him the truth outright, but enough for him to see its shape inits shadow and the dark space where it should have been.

Shepard didn’t turn herself in. This was a sacrifice. Shewouldn’t come back here for the Alliance. Not even to stop a war. Her life wasworth too much for that. She wouldn’t risk execution if the alternative wasn’t extinction.

“How long until your trial?” He still knew how to talk toher. He couldn’t ask about the Reapers if there was a chance anyone would overhearit, but he could ask about this.

“Six months,” she said. Even if it was a sacrifice, she wouldn’tgo quietly to her death. She’d choke the courts with their own red tape if itmeant she’d get a few more minutes. She only had to drag it out until theinvasion.

“You’re sure about this?” He tried to ball his hands at hisside to stop himself from reaching out to her.

“You never know with these things,” she admitted. “It couldbe tomorrow, they could put it off indefinitely. All I know is that I can onlyhold it off for so long and in the end, it’s not my choice.”

Everything Shepard did was ultimately her choice. Exceptnow, things were beyond her control. Even with everything she’d done, she wasalone and scared and she deserved better than this. His hand stopped justbefore her shoulder, as if there was a wall between them.

“How are you doing?” He didn’t expect a response, not a realone anyway, but he caught her off guard.

“I’ve been better.” She turned just enough that hisfingertips just brushed up against her. A jolt flew between them. Just biotic static, nothing more.

“Is there anything I can do?” Slowly, carefully she leanedinto it. Her back and shoulders relaxed and her breathing steadied just alittle. He wondered how long it had been since anybody touched her.

Then she caught sight of their reflection in the window.

“Just go.” It wassudden, cold, and sharp, but he didn’t fall back. “See your family. Be a goodsoldier for Steven. Whatever you need to do. Just don’t come back here.” Itsomehow felt more like instructions than a dismissal.

He backed away slowly, reluctant to leave her alone again,but he had his orders. Still, he paused at the door. “Be careful Shepard.”

She didn’t respond at first, but just before he left, shereplied, so soft he almost missed it, “You too Kaidan.”

#Gray Writes Stuff #rpgwarrior4824 #Commander Shepard #Kaidan Alenko

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elfnerdherder · 6 years ago

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The Unquiet Grave: Chapter 18

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Chapter 18:

Will snaps his walls down, sharp. He’s within his garden, and he’s tending it, and isn’t that another row of thyme?

It is, and he thinks of the walls around his walls, hiding his secrets. The empath can’t get him here. The empath can’t dream himself here.

“Whenever you’re ready,” the annotator tells him.

He looks around, and he stares at the sun rising high, arms reaching to brush against a promising sky. He can’t stop staring. Surely Jack and Hannibal can see it, but he can’t bring himself to care in the moment because the scene makes perfect sense. The scene he is currently playing, the victim he portrays so well.

“He is claiming the victim, that he is being dragged before the FBI with nothing more than false accusations and slander,” he lies, and if there are other empaths around that are trying to sense him, he thinks it’s a damn good lie. It’s easy on the tongue, and there’s a wild streak of memory that darts in front of his eyes in his hiding, in his misdirection; his dream where he kissed Hannibal.

It wakes him from what the killer implanted for him to find—a cold shock of water to the face. He looks to Jack and pushes the thought from his mind, finding enough sense to pull his gloves back on.

“He’s…trying to paint a picture,” he explains, and just beside Price, Beverly Katz watches with narrowed eyes. Far behind her, the public gawks behind the police line, uncaring of the snow. News, cameramen, and social media gurus alike are bumping shoulders, waiting for that moment to catch an empath…doing whatever it is empaths do.

“Is he speaking again?” Beverly asks before the annotator can. The jostling of ceremony, of the process and procedures is irritating to the annotator, and it’s apparent in how they adjust their blazer, a quick tug from the hand also holding the pen. Will hopes it doesn’t stain their jacket.

“He doesn’t trust you not to be the bad guy,” Will says. Then, wryly, “the FBI, that is. He wasn’t thinking of you specifically, Beverly.”

“But is he speaking,” she repeats.

“No.”

“How are your walls?” the annotator asks, getting control of their crime scene.

“Sturdy,” Will assures them. It’s a little sobering to think he’s somewhat telling the truth. Walls within walls within walls. Sturdier than the last time he stared at a dead body like this.

Beverly moves to the body, and the annotator follows to jot down any notes of worth, should they hear them.

“Did you get any sense of identity?” Jack asks when Will draws close.

“Whoever they are, they know how to hide themselves. Not only can they manipulate and distort what they leave behind, they can stay under the radar…I don’t have the kind of training to find someone like that.”

“You can’t break past his memories and find something?”

“I risk exposure if I dig too far and find his madness. I used my hands, Jack.”

Just past Jack’s shoulder, Hannibal talks to Beverly beside the bodies, at a distance and in close enough earshot of Price and Zeller. She doesn’t seem upset, merely focused on Hannibal’s words, hands idly resting on her hips.

“One of these girls was a senator’s daughter,” Jack reveals. “What kind of training do you need?”

“The kind of training no one can teach, Jack,” Will snaps. A senator’s daughter means nothing to the man that guts people for fun. To think such a position of status would stop him is laughable, but Will is in enough control of himself not to laugh. Something residual from the killer? Maybe, but now’s not the time to show it. “It’s illegal. It’s called weaponizing your gift.”

“You’re saying you can’t find him?” Jack demands –likely not as harsh as he intends, but still harsh enough to prickle.

“I mean unless he makes a mistake, I can’t find him. I can’t find an intelligent psychopath like this—they’re not something the Academy thought we’d be up against in my line of work. Minds mended and whole are harder to see inside when they know how not to be found.”

The lights from the media flash just beyond them. He’s relieved it’s cold enough people may not realize he’s the empath just because he’s got gloves on. He’s relieved they’re far enough away they can’t pick him out of a crowd, can’t see the way he can feel their curiosity. It’s sicker somehow, sicker than the way the scene even happened because this man may have been cruel, but what’s crueler than being in a position enough to watch and take note of the horrors within the comfort of your own living, intact skin? Horror was only loved in safe spaces?

“And how to you see him, Will? What are we up against?”

“I…” at that, he falters. What are they up against? What’s he up against? He shrugs, helpless, and he looks to the women that hiss and whisper in the John Doe’s ear –Jack, he can now say with assurance. They’re standing in the middle of an art piece dedicated not only to Will, but to Jack. A show they’re playing out, only Jack doesn’t seem to realize just how well he knows the lines. “I think…we’re dealing with a level of psychopath that can use their empathy as a weapon without being consumed by it. Somehow, they’re able to completely detach themselves from the moment, from the way emotions can overwhelm us as empaths.”

“How is that possible?” Jack’s voice grows louder the more Will notices the number of flashing lights in the distance.

He grimaces, but looking away only pulls his gaze to the women hissing in the man’s ear, and that isn’t any prettier to see, easier to feel. “I don’t know, Jack. Do I look like the fucking killer?” he snaps, and at that he does notice Hannibal turning his head to look, just at the same time he notices Jack’s impatient expression twist to a livid disapproval.

“I didn’t hear that,” he snarls, and he leans in, shoulders squared. It grabs the entirety of Will’s attention, arresting. “Did I, Will?”

One beat, then two. Will rips his eyes away, to the sunrise where things are terrible because of how beautiful they are in their perfection to the scene set before them. He smiles a little, then rubs his face with his gloved hands.

“You didn’t, Jack. But I’m just telling you what I know, and this isn’t something I know. I think…he’s’ taunting us. Because he knows how to do something we don’t know how to do, and he knows I can’t do it because it would land me in prison.”

Or permanent retirement.

Jack doesn’t want to accept his words. He stews on them as Will makes his way to Hannibal, who’s somehow detached himself from Beverly and is preoccupied with examining one of the marble columns and the way the sunlight hits it. Will notes just how far it is from the actual scene, and he can’t help the twist in his chest at the consideration that’s entirely too obvious.

“How are you?” Hannibal asks when Will steps up beside him.

“You surprise me every time you don’t react to some new crime scene thrown at you,” Will says by way of reply. He doesn’t pretend to examine the statue with him, mostly because he’s done studying the scene. He doesn’t want to look back again. The words sit on his back, the ones he spit at Jack. He doesn’t have luxury of pushing Jack. He’s got enough enemies that his own direct boss would be a terrible addition.

They know.

“My work before this wasn’t entirely innocent, as I may have mentioned,” says Hannibal, and he looks away from the column. His eyes linger on the picture before them, and Will can’t quite trace the emotion as his lips press down tightly. “Would you like to wait for your session before you discuss anything?”

“Yes.” Will can’t quite bring himself to stop looking back to the onlookers. Their pale, neurotypical stares. Curious, not at all realizing just what they are witnessing. “What’d Beverly say?”

“Agent Katz wasn’t quite sure what to think of your revelation. I think she was expecting more, given what you promised her over dinner.”

“I promised her the truth. Nothing more, nothing less.”

“Which is all anyone can ask,” Hannibal agrees. “Do you need to leave?”

Will doesn’t want to look back to the bodies, but he forces himself to. He can’t say if it’s because he needs to prove to himself that he can, or if it’s because there’s something in the way the empath spoke that keeps him looking back. How could a voice sound so familiar yet so utterly unknowable? A voice that could belong to anyone, anything, and he wonders if maybe he knows the Dreamer, otherwise why else would their voice mimic the forgetful nature of a dream?

“I’d like to leave. I don’t know if there’s anything here for me,” he says, and the annotator lingering nearby nods, pen poised over the paper.

“Your walls are sturdy today, Agent Graham,” they say.

It’s not until Will is tucked into an SUV headed towards Wolf Trap that he realizes he’s never once asked the annotator’s name in all of his years working with the FBI.

“I’ve been thinking about Callumny of Apelles,” Will says during his therapy session later that evening.

Work dragged. No word of Dolarhyde, no word of the Dreamer on the loose. No word on how they’d combat an empath that knew how to weaponize. Knew how to hide. No word on the exact day of Will’s psyche-evaluation. Sometimes they liked to spring it. Sometimes they let a sharp white piece of paper carry the weight for them. It was coming up, though. That much he knows.

Will wonders how Francis Dolarhyde is doing. If The Great Red Dragon is treating him well.

“Do you feel particularly accused of something?”

“Yes,” he says. And then, “no.”

“What made you think of it?”

“Because that’s what he painted,” Will replies. He’s standing by the fireplace, the warmth at his back and making his palms hot. Hannibal, still seated at his office chair, had let Will pace some of the emotions off of the soles of his feet and waited until he was ready to speak.

“So he did speak?”

“He did,” Will affirms. He looks around the room, thinks of when he’d crept in alone and stole hands along the walls and book bindings. “He’s powerful…he…”

He doesn’t know how to say it. How can he put to words what he feels when the Dream takes hold? The care, the artfulness in how it feels so utterly real, but there wasn’t anything real to the way that touching the John Doe’s skin hadn’t brought any true pain.

“How do you see him, Will?” Hannibal asks, echoing Jack from that morning.

“He’s…intelligent, Hannibal.” He starts slow, trying to gather his thoughts. He can be honest with Hannibal. The thought lends itself some sort of power. He inhales sharply. “He’s an intelligent psychopath whose talent in empathy is such that he has…layers to his Dreams. He can literally dampen the feelings and events of the scene of a crime just by Dreaming over it, and that’s what I feel when I put my hands to it. He’s a sadist, but…but he chooses to remove the agony of a murder to talk to me instead. He finds me useful, then, or at least interesting. Being an E-3 has its drawbacks.

“I…don’t know what he’s seeing, though, what he’s thinking. If he has the power to distort the space around a real, tangible place for empaths to find later, do I have to sit and watch the bodies stack until he makes a mistake that I can find? How close is he to me that he has such intimate knowledge of what’s going on around the FBI? It could mean he works there, and I’m just not looking hard enough.”

He pauses and looks towards the far wall where the windows were covered in thick swathes of gold and burgundy. He’d once tried to draw it back, only to find that Hannibal was an old-fashioned sort of person and had several layers to what he referred to as drapes, not curtains. “That lends the question, though…that lends the question at just how powerful he is; that he could fool the FBI for so long and work underneath them? This is a dangerous person. I don’t…know how to find him yet.”

Hannibal is quiet, watching Will with the same expression he always seems to. Will rubs his mouth, his words unsure on the curl of his lips, and his other palm begins to get too hot.

“But some part,” he says, and his voice is a little lower. The fire cackles behind him, pops and hisses the last bit of moisture from a branch. “Some part of me…wants to protect him. Because even though I can’t see him, we seem to have a lot in common.”

Hannibal tilts his head curiously, a small frown at his lips. It’s not disapproving, although it’s not in the least pleasant. He steeples his fingers. “What makes you feel that way?”

“We’re both willing to break the law to save ourselves. Survival instincts are in our blood.” Will replies. He wanders over to Hannibal’s desk. It’s normal tidiness and strict attention to the spaces between pencil and pen is distorted by the scattering of drawing paper, perhaps something he did between patients that day during his lunch.

He studies the strict, sharp lines that define what seemed to be an elegant, Tudor-style manor of sorts. Hannibal graciously stands and moves his chair so that Will can study it at a closer angle. “My old boarding school.”

“You seem the type to have gone to a boarding school,” Will replies, not unkind. Just beside the pencil, he spies a scalpel. He picks it up and holds it to Hannibal, more of a question than an offering.

Hannibal allows the change of subject, his dark eyes calculating but amiable. Will wonders what he saw at the crime scene, what analysis ran through his mind. The tide shifted once more, and he again resents the lack of ability to simply see.

The scalpel is accepted, and Hannibal demonstrates sharpening the pencil just beside the paper. “I found during school that a scalpel cuts sharper and better lines for drawing. I prefer a fine edge to my art.”

“It’s art,” Will agrees readily, looking back to the piece. The boarding school is drawn in what could only be described as a factual way. There was no emotion to it, the sort of thing drawn from a memory but not a particularly poignant one. He wants to press a thumb to it and twist, and there’s a wild moment where he’s not quite sure if that’s residual from the crime scene, or if the ugly thought is his. He wonders what he took from the killer, what the empath dared to leave behind.

“I believe I have a school book somewhere…” Hannibal walks away from him, and Will is just brave enough to drag a finger along the blank space just beside the trellis. He couldn’t ruin it; he exhales, and the wild thought is abandoned.

He does move the picture, though, to see the one beneath. There’s the rustling of paper, then quiet. Hannibal’s footsteps along the bookcases make no sound.

Will’s breath catches, and for a wild moment he can only stare blankly, simply no thought coming to mind as all that he can do is process.

I’m fond of you.

Will Graham is not a vain man. He is smart enough to know he can be seen as attractive, but he is humble enough to not suppose himself to be anything remarkably extraordinary.

The curves of skin, in contrast to the lines of the house, were gentled with reverence. Will glances about, and Hannibal is in the loft, his back turned. Greedily, he tugs a glove from his hand and touches the paper, swallowing down a rush of spit.

Hannibal’s drawing of Will feels first, gentled in a sort of awe. Then, greedy, wanting. Hungry is the word for it, but the sort of hunger that makes mouths soften. He draws Will with his back turned, although it is bare, and he wonders just what it is he’s hiding that Hannibal feels the need to draw him turned away. It’s Greek in nature, as if Will is made of the same marbled stone as the gazebo that demonstrated Callumny and her cruelty. Maybe no longer the victim, but the one holding the entire play.

It’s what they know that’s important.

He’s never thought himself so beautiful as it feels in this moment, bare fingers on the curls of his graphite hair.

“Oh,” Hannibal says, just behind him.

Will turns, but he’s caught by the wrist and held fixed, Hannibal’s expression unreadable. He looks to the drawing just behind Will, displayed nakedly with a guilty glove beside it. He looks back, and his politely gloved hand lessens its grip, albeit only slightly.

Before Will can speak, Hannibal leans in and presses a hungry kiss to his lips.

Obsession, Alana had warned him of. Obsession, like Will isn’t suddenly arrested by the sharp and delightful way waves of hunger washed over him. Perhaps waves aren’t so right, but ripples, starting where their skin touches and spreading lazily over his skin. Muted, as Hannibal had once described it. Muted, but present, tingles of awareness that make him hungry for so much more, hungry in a way he’s never quite felt before.

He’s not overwhelmed. He presses closer, and his hand is released, to better press fingers to his cheeks. One hand is gloved, but the other feels stubble and the gentled thrum of pleasure.

And it is coming from Hannibal.

His mind swims, dizzies with the rush of it. Has he dreamed of it like this? No, no, but it is all the sweeter, and his back is arched over the desk as Hannibal wraps arms around him and tangles fingers into his hair. His skin is his own. His own skin and his own bones.

He kisses with enough want to bite, to sting a little. Will is buzzed off of just how much he likes it.

And then they are standing apart, and his hands are by his side. Hannibal is staring at him, simply staring, and Will is just greedy enough off of the endorphins of it that he sets his bare hand on the drawing beside him. He’s feeling something.

He’s feeling something.

I’m fond of you.

“Oh,” Will says. His heart sits at his feet, and it beats in slow, ugly thumps. Hannibal’s hunger sits in his veins, and the memory of how the pencil pressed into the grains of the page sit fat in the whorls of his fingertips.

“Are you processing?”

“A little,” Will admits. Before Hannibal can misunderstand, he adds, “I’m not upset.”

“I’m fond of you,” Hannibal says, and he allows that to show on his face for the briefest of moments. His hair is askew, but only just, and Will has the impulsive urge to fix it. Hannibal glances to the drawing again, then back to Will. His eyes are fixating. “I suppose that was my thought in drawing this.”

“I can feel it,” Will agrees, and his heart is climbing up, up, and it sits in his throat. “I can…I could feel you, Hannibal.”

“Do you?” Hannibal wonders, and his eyes fall back to Will, his gaze falling to his lips. “Do you, Will?”

Can you see?

Will takes his other glove off, and he cradles them along his jaw as he kisses Hannibal with a hunger, as though they are rolling along the fields within the walls of his slowly strengthening mind, tucked away with a Dream. He wonders if Hannibal, whose own consciousness is powerful enough to resist the power of empaths, can feel anything in the way Will holds onto him, if he can glean insight and awareness in the way Will kisses as though he hasn’t been touched by another human being in a long time.

But he presses back, just as needful, and Will wonders how long it’s been since Hannibal has felt someone feel just what was behind the mask.

He wakes up the next morning and lays there for a time. His dreams had been quiet, muted. His walls were sturdy, and in the dark space of night when one dances between rest of wakefulness, he had imagined himself tending his walls, both ones with trap doors and the one whose repair mattered most. Monkshood and Thyme grew in the same rows of the garden. The Stag watched from a distance.

His lips are a little swollen, although it could be argued he picks at them too much to let them heal. Hannibal’s kisses were needing, although there was nothing in the way of complaint. Will scrubs his face with cold water. He wonders if Garrett Jacob Hobbs is still standing in the fields just outside of his walls.

Jack’s got him on the phone before Hannibal finds him with a second cup of coffee, and he accepts it greedily.

“Got a tip on the RA,” he says; despite the grim statement, Jack’s positively pleased. It takes Will a second too long to recall the RA is Dolarhyde. If you can’t find the Dreamer, why continue with that investigation?

“He’s been sighted in the Baltimore area,” he adds.

“What tip?”

“CCTV outside of a K-mart.”

“Do you need me there?” Will asks. It’s too hot to sip the coffee, but he blows on it stubbornly to try and speed it up. Hannibal watches intently from his place just across the table.

“It’s been so long it’s contaminated,” Jack replies sourly. “But now we know he’s keeping tabs on you. I’m thinking of keeping you at HQ.”

It’s hard to reach the tone of his voice, especially over the phone. Will isn’t sure if he should take it seriously, or if it’s simply another way to trap him in a corner to retire him.

He sets the phone down and puts it on speaker, for Hannibal’s benefit.

“Do we know his next target?” Will asks. “Not likely it’d be me.”

It’s the opening he knows he’ll always give that Jack won’t take the bait for. “Very likely it’d be you.”

No, no; it meant Slowinski was there, Slowinski was in Baltimore for some stupid reason, otherwise Red Dragon wouldn’t be lurking there.

But Jack doesn’t Will know Will knows that, does he?

God, he’d better not.

“I think there’s something personal to his killing Jack…all of this is personal, but I’m not personal. I’m just the RA-hunter.”

He takes a sip of coffee, not sure what he’ll do when he has to go back to grinding his own coffee beans. It’s a guilty luxury, but one none-the-less. He wants to touch his lips again, to see if he still Feels it.

“Yeah, well…Dr. Bloom says she’s gotten word about your six-month-evaluation,” Jack says, and the sudden turn isn’t lost on him in the least because there was something in the randomness of it, how he deliberately made it somehow worse than Dolarhyde potentially hunting him.

Will stays quiet, and he spares a glance with Hannibal.

“How are you feeling about it?” Jack asks “I know you’ve got a lot on your plate, but don’t think I’ve forgotten everything that’s happened.”

Don’t forget you’re always being watched.

“I’m feeling good, Jack. You got a date from her?”

“I’ll ask her to e-mail you. You’ll have it when you come in.”

And it’s there, there hidden in his tone that Will hears it. He looks to Hannibal, then looks to the phone, and like before, when Hannibal pressed his palm to Will’s, he sucked down the piping hot cup of coffee and set it down sharply, allowing the sharp sound to linger into a bitter silence.

You’ll have it when you come in.

“Thanks, Jack,” he says, sincere. His voice is hoarse and his throat scalds, but he means it. “I’ll see you when I’m in.”

The line goes dead, and his screen flashes to the call time before going black.

He accepts a glass of water from Hannibal, the carafe fogged from the ice that clicks and smacks together. He watches the ice bob and sucks the water down quickly, allowing it to both burn and soothe his throat.

“I’m going to walk into an evaluation,” he says, and it sits fat in the air. Outside, snow stirs. Supposedly, Red Dragon lurks.

“Do you suppose?” Hannibal wonders, and his hand rests without hesitation on Will’s. Will allows it, although his hands are gloved. He is torn between withdrawing his touch or removing the glove.

His lips still hummed from the feeling of their kiss.

“I know him…I know Jack,” says Will. “I know how he sounds when he’s hiding something.

Hannibal doesn’t push him as he gets ready, doesn’t press when he decides to take his own car in. He needs the reassurance of a getaway, although there’s a detached part of him that is too cool to have accepted what the rest of him is resigned to. Standing on the stoop of Hannibal’s house, he’s kissed once more, and he’s allowed to taste something much like hunger, only it left a sweeter aftertaste of victory.

Will drives to the FBI, and Garrett Jacob Hobbs sits in the passenger seat beside him.

#LiaS scribbles #The unquiet Grave #hannibal #nbc hannibal #hannibal au #hannigram #someone help will graham #hannibal fanfic #empath au #grey!will #Empath!Will

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spring-emerald · 6 years ago

Note

Hello!! love your fics so much, thanks for sharing them. is it okay to ask for Tsukikage with the cold prompt? Tsukki seems to be weak to cold so 💕

Hello, anon! I’m not sure if you’re the same person, or a different one, but just in case, here’s the second part!

Thank you so much for your patience!

heart melting (pt. 1)

heart melting (pt. 2)

Tsukishima’s anger athaving to brave a snowstorm immediately fades when he sees Yachi crouching nearthe kitchen fireplace, arms around herself and shoulders shaking from otherthan the cold.

“Yachi?”

Yachi flinches, headsnapping up to look at him. “T-T-Tsukishima,” she sniffles, hastily wiping hertear-stained face as she offers him a shaky smile. “Y-you’re early.”

The scathing remarkat the tip of his tongue forgotten, he strides to Yachi, who stands up inwobbly legs, squaring up her shoulders in a weak attempt to look alright.

“I-I’ll call Sugawara-”

“What’s wrong?”Tsukishima frowns down at her.

She whimpers butshakes her head. “I-it’s nothing.”

A shrill, angeredshout coming from the living room didn’t sound like nothing to Tsukishima. Hepulls off his thick scarf and coat and deposits it on the table on his way out,ignoring Yachi’s pleas to stop.

Tsukishima walks inon a literal cold war.

The temperature inthe living room is more frigid than the winds outside the manor. Vastlydifferent from the warmth of the kitchen. He already has a hunch that the Kingis acting out again what with the annoying snowstorm, but he didn’t think it’s this bad. The wooden floor panels and thewalls are covered in thin ice, the windows are frosting and there’s a layer offog suspended in the air.

The only heat in theroom is Hinata’s glare at Kageyama, enough to burn the cinders of the dyingflames in the fireplace back to life.

“Kageyama, you ungratefulbastard!” Hinata snarls, pulling on Kageyama’s collar, bending him down to hislevel.

Tsukishima had seenHinata annoyed-riling him up along with the rest of the other hot-headed guyshad been his favorite pastime as of late. But he’d never seen him truly angry.As much as Tsukishima likes to annoy the living daylights out of him, he didn’tthink that the small fry would be capable of it.

Perhaps the King doesbring out the worst in people.

The King, who justlooked on and met Hinata’s glare with a distant, unperturbed stare. Indifferentto the chaos he’s causing.

Tsukishima glares atthe expression, unconsciously clenching his hand to a fist.

“Hinata, that’senough,” Sugawara wrenches an arm between them but more pushing Hinata awayfrom Kageyama.

Hinata ignores him,pulling and pushing Kageyama, shaking some sense into him. “I’m so tired ofpeople excusing your behavior just because you have a heart that’s frozen. Youdon’t get to treat us like this!” Hefinally pushes the taller one away, but maintains glaring hurtfully at him.

Kageyama stares himdown. “If you’re so tired of it, then you’re free to leave. No one’s stoppingyou.” Casual, unfeeling.

Yachi gasps besideTsukishima.

“Kageyama, please,”Sugawa pleads.

Hinata stares up atKageyama in shock, and the latter takes this moment to remove the shorter one’shands on his clothes and brushes it off like nothing.

Hinata snaps inattention again, glare returning fully. “You know what? Fine.” He stomps to theother side of the room, grabbing his coat and scarf, ignoring Sugawara andYachi calling after him and he storms out, the sound of the door banging echoedaround the still, cold room even after he’s gone.

Kageyama glances atSugawara. “That goes to everyone.” He turns and walks away, brushing past asobbing Yachi as he retreats back to his room upstairs.

Sugawara’s besideYachi in an instant, rubbing comforting circles on her back and hushing her,assuring her that everything’s going to be alright, that Hinata’s going to befine.

“I’m sorry you had tosee that, Tsukishima,” he sends him an apologetic look and tremulous smile,which Tsukishima returns with a glare.

“Why are you lettinghim do this to you?” he demands, without meaning to. He doesn’t want to beinvolved in their issues, but being sent straight in the middle of it kindles aprotective feeling towards them and something else that can be easily mistakenas anger and annoyance but not quite at Kageyama.

“Tsukishima-”

“Hinata’s right youknow. His condition doesn’t give him the right to be an asshole.”

“Tsukishima, please. I’m sorry you got caught up inthe middle of that, but… but you shouldn’t concern yourself about it.” Sugawaraurge Yachi and leads her back to the kitchen.

Tsukishima scoffs.Yeah, right. There’s nothing he wants more than to be completely uncaring aboutthis whole thing, but he just isn’t. He can’t detach himself from this like he’swont to do with other troublesome things and damn if he knows why. Maybe is theweekly meeting that fostered a reluctant friendship with them, or maybe the waythey don’t treat him as a stranger which he basically is.

Maybe it’s the way hecan’t keep the vision of Kageyama’s cold eyes in his mind’s eye and justitching to make it look other than that.

But whatever it is,Tsukishima, fueled by a surge of indignation, does something that he’s neverdone before. Instead of following after the two to the kitchen, he turns and stompsupstairs.

He’s going to demandan audience with the king and he better listen to whatever Tsukishima is goingto say or so help him.

—–

Tsukishima finds himon his first try, opening the first door rather roughly, not noticing the wayKageyama startle at his arrival. “And here I thought your exile have taught youa lesson. But I guess once a tyrannical king, always a tyrannical king.”

“Don’t call me that,”Kageyama replies and turns away, the lack of inflection contrasts his words.

It’s not the reactionTsukishima’s aiming for, so he pushes on, digs deeper.

“Why not? It’s whatyou are, isn’t it?” He walks around Kageyama until they’re facing each other, somehowdelighted to find the difference of height in his favor, the carefully craftedcruel smirk and the look of disdain he has pat down since a teenager-one that neverfails to irritate people-gracing his face. “It’s no wonder your people rejectedyou, even before this whole curse thing. They’re probably grateful you gotcursed because it made it easier for them to oust you. They’re better offwithout you.”

Tsukishima’s barely finishedhis sentence when cold hands fist the collar of his clothes, not unlike howKageyama was with Hinata earlier.

There’s a flash ofanger in Kageyama’s blue eyes, alighting it and making it alive than how he’dseen it previously. Any lesser man would flinch, but Tsukishima counts this asa win. ‘His heart isn’t completelyfrozen.’ Sugawara’s words echo in his head. ‘Someone to challenge him, huh?’

Well, Sugawara didn’tsay that his method should be conventional. Tsukishima managed to get throughthe cracks and anger is way better than nothing. Besides, anger, especiallydirected at him due to his own nature, is an emotion he’s familiar and knowshow to deal with. Let the King mouth off at him, he can handle it.

But Kageyama lets himgo instead, without even saying anything. The brief emotion in his eyes startto simmer to something defeated. He pushes Tsukishima away weakly, turning hisback from him. “You’re right. They’re better off without me.”

Tsukishima breathes indeeply and releases it in slow, steady breath. He reflects on everything that heknows and has happened so far.

‘Our companionship is keeping it at bay.’

‘If you’re so tired of it, you’re free to leave.’

‘They’re better off without me.’

He frowns at theslightly slumped shoulders and hanging head, can’t help but see a slightlytaller and blond phantom image overlapping the King’s visage.

Realization dawned onhim.

Oh.

Once upon a time,Tsukishima had been jaded, betrayed by his brother’s lies. That had been awhile ago, and they have a better relationship now, considering the rebuildingthat is still in progress, but during that time, when he’s so caught up withit, he’d not been the best person to deal with. He pushed people away and notdare let anybody in and it took saint-like amount of patience and loads of careand understanding from the people around him, and even a heated confrontationwith his own childhood best friend, to help him see that.

This… the King’ssituation. Perhaps it’s not that different from that.

“Perhaps they’rebetter off without you… but you’re not better off without them,” Tsukishimasays.

It takes a moment,but Kageyama turns around to face him, and their eyes meet and they stay likethat, looking and studying each other until understanding passes between them,along with a sense of kinship.

Tsukishima is giftedwith the sight of Kageyama’s eyes alighting again in emotion.

“Hinata,” Kageyamasays, then looks at the window. When Tsukishima does the same, he notice thatthe snowstorm has stopped.

Kageyama rushes out,and without thinking, Tsukishima follows him, and they’re down at the livingroom and out of the manor, out in the deep snow and cold air, running to thepath that leads to the village, even though it’s a long way there.

They stop when they recognizea person walking towards them, the bright orange unmistakable in the expanse ofwhite.

“The snowstormstopped. Have you calmed down now, Bakageyama?”

He stops in front ofthem, scarf bundled up around his neck, coat kept close to his body.

Kageyama swallows andnods. “I have. I’m… I’m sorry. You… you’re my friend. All of you are, and don’t…Idon’t mean…just please…” he can’t continue his words, but years of friendshipallow Hinata to hear what he didn’t say.

Hinata beams up athim and slaps him hard on his arm. “Alright!” he chirps cheerfully, beforefrowning. “But you have to promise to treat us better, okay? Just becauseSugawara lets it slide, doesn’t mean you get to be mean at us. Just because youdon’t feel anything doesn’t mean we don’t either.”

Tsukishima speaks upbefore Kageyama can. “N-Now th-th-that’s settled down, c-can we g-go ba-acknow?!”

The two look at him,seeing how he’s shivering severely from the cold he’s not protected from likeHinata and obviously not impervious to like Kageyama.

“Ack, Stingyshima!”Hinata unwinds the scarf around his neck and wraps it around Tsukishima, whichhe hugs close to him as much as he can, while Kageyama wraps his arms aroundhim to keep him steady, his cold hands not doing much as it tries to rub someheat into Tsukishima’s arms.

“Hinata, go ahead soyou can prepare the fireplace and heat up the living room.”

Without needing to betold twice, Hinata bounds up to the manor, footsteps light even in the deepsnow, while Kageyama half-supports, half-drags Tsukishima back.

God, this is so pathetic. This isexactly why I don’t help people because it gets me into trouble like this.Tsukishima thinks, but finds that he doesn’t regret what happened, not really.Well, maybe aside from forgetting his coat and scarf.

“Hang in there,”Kageyama says, plowing through the snow, unaffected and looking every bit of ahandsome Ice King, with his pale skin and dark hair and determined blue eyes.

Tsukishima thinksthen that he’s delirious from the cold and that’s what caused him to think ofKageyama as handsome.

Sugawara meets themby the gates, a blanket in tow and helps Kageyama get Tsukishima inside, wherethe fireplace is stock full of fresh firewood, blazing and warming the placelike never before. They usher him to the couch moved closer to the source ofheat, where a spare set of clothes and more blankets are waiting forTsukishima.

Tsukishima’s already dryand well under at least three layers of thick blankets, nursing a steaming cupof tea, when Kageyama sits beside him on the couch and they both stare at the firedancing merrily.

“I-ah, I want to uhm…Thank you,” Kageyama says, voice soft and low, breaking the unexpectedly comfortablesilence that settled between the two of them.

Tsukishima scoffs. “AllI did was make you angry. It’s not that hard.” He raises an eyebrow at him, abit playful.

Kageyama looks at himin surprise and nods. “That’s true. But it’s enough to shake some sense intome.”

“Careful there, King,”Tsukishima says, sipping on his tea. “Or I might think you’re warming up to me.”Something unfamiliar flutters in his chest and it got even more when Kageyama’s lips lift up in a small smile, his eyes warmand Tsukishima knows it’s not just the effect of the fire.

—–

Somewhere in theenchantress’ home, encased in glass, is a magical replica of the Ice King’sheart, a third of which is covered in a layer of ice. Hairline cracks appear aspart of it melts, the water sliding down the slope until it reaches the bottomand drops.

#haikyuu!!#tsukkikage #tsukishima kei #kageyama tobio #hq fanfic

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amandaj718 · 7 years ago

Text

A Very Robert Christmas

I wasn’t going to do this. I swear. I planned to watch, freak out and reblog all the gifs while crying. I plan to still do that, but I have so much to say about a lot of things. This episode felt like a palette cleanser. Almost, like, we were spun into a new direction. I’m going to go person by person. Family too (Ok, I have a lot to say about the Dingles) and then of course…my hearts…Robert Sugden. Aaron Dingle. Robron. (Also, this episode just gave me a great idea for my fanfiction since…it kind of came true today). This is full of spelling mistakes. My hands were shaking with excitement so excuse the poor execution please.

Let’s begin with the easy stuff.

(This is long. Get a snack)

General Overview of the Episode

Ryan is amazing. No holds bared here. Ryan Hawley is an amazing actor. The show knows this too or else he wouldn’t have given him his own episode to carry. Before anyone argues, he carries this whole episode. Everyone else (even Danny) is his supporting cast. He is amazing. So was Danny (crying…he always gets me to cry. Without fail!).

This was well written, well paced and VAL. I loved that Val was the surprise guest. I was so sure it was Katie and so was most of the GA and Robron fans. SURPRISE. I love Val so it was nice to see her.

“You got a lot gayer after I died.” - *SNORT*

The Dingles

*DEEP BREATH* They were just…terrible this year. While I would love to sit here and bad mouth Charity and Paddy about wishing Robert dead (What the frack?!?!) but I would expect that from Charity and Paddy. They are just…mean these days. Not even funny. That might be something else the show is setting up. Same with Chas. She knew/knows how Aarons feels but she wants her son to move on so she pushes. I get that. Doesn’t mean I like it. Also, bad karma my friends. WISHING PEOPLE DEAD. Just saying.

I want to talk about the Christmas Day celebration. The Dingles and Christmas should feel warm and welcoming. Tight like last year. Everyone was close to each other. The colors felt warm and welcoming. It felt like a family. Everything was shot tighter and with a tinge of old school Christmas cheer around the edges. Touches of green and gold. Some red too. There was a lot of love in their house that night.

This year? It was shot in wide shots. People weren’t sitting as closely. The place felt impersonal and even a bit gaudy. When the wanted a close shot, it was still a still and front facing two shot. It felt cold. Dark even. The Dingles were all there, but their hearts were long gone or have gone dark. They were wishing people dead, some were inviting themselves to the party (We will get to Alex later) and Aaron was in his own personal hell. The Dingles weren’t the warmth this year. They were the cold. Hint of things to come?

The Sugdens

The Sugden Family is a dying breed. They were once the main family (legacy family) but now they feel like an endangered species. I really felt this way after they started writing Victoria this year that the family was seriously in trouble.

I don’t anymore. I’m glad that one of my favorites, Victoria, was back today. I felt her again. She was worried about her brother and her husband. She was a friend to Aaron. She had her worries, but she knew her family, who was in her reach, needed her. It was nice to see complexity come back and not just be a plot device. I loved it. Welcome back Victoria.

Diane felt the same to me. Doug surprised me. I figured he would be a bit cruel or say something stupid, but he showed up with food and he seemed to care. There was a feeling of family. It was small, but it was there. It was nice to see. I felt more warmth with them than the Dingles today.

Lawrence White

Praise John for acting his butt off today. I love how Lawrence still showed up to talk to Robert. He didn’t yell. He didn’t accuse. He was just there to listen. Give Robert his ‘in’ too.

As for dream Lawrence. I think, that Lawrence represented some of the audience as well as the other characters in the village. I noticed he said some stuff I’ve seen written by the general audience and even a few anti’s. Which, didn’t upset me but showed that the show is aware of what others are feeling outside the fandom. Did I agree with everything he said about Robert? No but I think even Robert feels that way about himself sometimes. Also, Jack’s influence is in there with Lawrence’s appearance.

Rebecca White

Emily Head. I’m not a fan but when she gets to play black widow, she shines. Victim? She looks lost. Not so much. I don’t buy it. Especially in her scenes with Robert as he laid there.

‘Is he dead?’ COULD THAT HAVE SOUNDED MORE FLAT AND UNCARING? I don’t know if it was scripted that way but my god. It was bad. Bad line read. Also, bringing Seb over to see his father on the ground? What the frack? It was odd. Detached. Like she was fine showing Seb something that sad. Which…woah.

In the dream, her attitude towards Robert, talking about how he approaches business (once again hearing some GA comments and even antis). She was good and seemed to care about what she was saying. She plays black widow so well. SERIOUSLY. That is her strength.

The Seb thing. I mean, Justine and I have wondered if a medical emergency could bring into play paternity. I don’t know. It might have been Robert’s own fears as a dad. It might have been his mind who was in a dark place. I still think something is up there. I just don’t know what yet.

Lachlan White

Lachlan is the more interesting White as per usual. Robert sees him as evil and up to something. He will always be doing something to him. Which, might have been foreshadowing. Killer Lachlan is rising? Maybe? Dream Lachlan and Real Lachlan didn’t have any changes. Also, he was attached to Alex shocking him back to existence. Which…well…. Lachlan might be the shot in the arm to get this story going? Maybe. Either way, he was the most direct and most obvious from dream to real life.

Chrissie White

WHERE THE FRACK WAS CHRISSIE?

Alex Mason

It’s not secret that I don’t like Alex. I find him plotty. I find him annoying. I find him needy. I find him pushy. I don’t like the guy. Today, I found him all those things at once. He shows up to the Dingles without being asked. He was a bit harsh with Robert and didn’t seem to believe him when he said to fight for Aaron. We know how this ends with Aaron tomorrow but yes. Even after all that, like my friend Kat said, he wasn’t a factor. Yes, he was in the episode and had an impact but not really. He was just…a non-factor. He was there to push along a tiny plot thread that I think will be tied up by the second week of January and not by Robert but by Aaron.

Aaron Dingle

There has been a lot of talk about Aaron and choice. His choice. Family choice. Robert’s choice. The show addressed that tonight and that made me realize that the Robron/Aaron fandom was right on point. Aaron and his choice. Aaron has a been a bit passive lately. He did things for himself but mostly let his family dictate things, let Robert make a few decisions and even let Liv move him along. I had a lot of problems with that.

Tonight, Aaron made his choices…kind of. Ok, this might feel jumbled because my mind is still very jumbled about my favorite bearded bunny. Ok…let me see if I can get out what I am feeling about Aaron and choice.

I think Alex is being pushed on to Aaron by his family.

Victoria kind of pushed Aaron towards Robert.

Chas pushed Aaron to leave the hospital faster.

Ok. Aaron has three choices. Go with his families choice. Go with Victoria’s. Go with his own. This is when it gets complicated. I think Aaron hit his limit this Christmas. I think listening to his family, Victoria and then Robert’s opinions set him over. I think he had decided and then Robert and what he said, changed that again. If that makes sense.

Aaron loves Robert. They are soulmates (more on that in their own section) and I think he went in there ready to pick Robert but at the same time…he still wasn’t there or sure. He fought Robert but still backed off quickly. So, Aaron makes his decision, but he makes the easy one?

I’m so confused by what they are trying to accomplish with Aaron. I feel like Aaron will get his taste of a normal relationship and grow bored or find what he doesn’t want. Then he will start making decisions (Robert is his best friend but he isn’t going to be pushing anything onto him) that will lead him to support Robert in a quiet way (healthier way?) that leads us to reunion.

I’m very confused about Aaron right now. Obviously. I love him but Aaron…baby….honey…you can design your life the way you want. I wish you would learn that you can be happy with your choices. Support is great and needed but you have to make the decisions in your life. Time for you to do that.

Robert Sugden

Robert has had quite the ride today. I think Robert’s dream was an over exaggerated version of how he feels about himself and a mix of what he thinks others think about him. There were quite a few truths and Val’s section was less about how he feels but what could be if he continues down this road he has been on all year. 2018 will be a different year for him. He won’t change completely (no soap character does) but I think a lot of his worse qualities that have been played up all year will calm down and Robert will learn more. LISTEN more. Val keep saying listen. Robert needs to listen. He has already started. He listened to Victoria. He listened to Alex. He listened to Diane and Doug. He listened to Lawrence between talking to him about Seb.

Speaking of Seb. I think Robert will focus on being a dad now. He made the choice to concentrate on being a better dad to his son which I know is a sticking point for a lot of fans. It needs to happen even if Seb doesn’t stay. Robert does love his child. Don’t take that away from him fandom. Yes, it is a representation of a very bad year for Robert but in time…those memories fade. Believe me, they will on a soap. Again, I’m still not sure this kid is sticking around. They still haven’t cast another baby and even weirder they didn’t cast twins outright. Something is going on there and we aren’t allowed to know just yet.

Robert isn’t a bad person. He isn’t the worst soap character on that show (Charity and Cain spring to mind) but now Robert has been given an episode. He was given a chance to better himself for himself and no one else. He is being given the chance by writers to make himself an even deeper legacy character. This is good. I like this. Did I mention how much I LOVE RYAN HAWLEY?!?! Ahem…yes. He was good. GREAT. He was great.

Robron

WOW. Do those two idiots love each other. Beyond just love. They are soulmates. My heart was beating a mile a minute and I was holding my breath. Bad combo by the way. HA. Those two. Man. They just gave us a nice highway to reunion and marriage. Yes, they did. Hear me out.

Robert knows that holding onto Aaron isn’t healthy. Not in the state he is in. He needs to get better for himself. Get himself together and then be a dad to Seb.

Aaron wants to hold on, but I think even he knows holding on isn’t healthy. He needs to go off and do something else. Date Alex for instance.

Both don’t want to let go but they must. They have to do what is best for themselves while being friends (lets kid ourselves…they will never be completely out of each other’s lives…maybe in death and even then they will haunt each other). They need to rebuild and to rebuild with a foundation of friendship…that’s good. That is strong. That will last longer than just build a new relationship with old hurt and memories still lingering in the background.

This was clean break. A clean slate. A reason for them to build again. I might even get my wish. A reverse of last time only healthier. Aaron gets to do what he needs to do. Finds his way and then stands in the background as Roberts support as he deals with final White drama.

Friends. Best friends.

It hurts like hell. It hurts so bad. That cheek kiss broke me. Aaron crying. Robert crying. It hurt. IT HURT LIKE A STICK ON A BUTTCHEEK. It was needed and we are on the way. WE ARE IN THE FINAL ACT PEOPLE. LETS DO THIS.

Incidentals

That scene with Gerry and Aaron walking down in that nice suit. I’m going to echo my dear friend Justine here. Maybe that was foreshadowing for a wedding. Aaron’s wedding suit? MAYBE?!?!

My fanfiction touches a lot on what was touched on in this episode today. Not as great as the real thing but I feel like I’m not wasting my time sticking around and being positive. I’m not too stupid. *wink*

Gerry is a great addition. I can’t wait to see him be fleshed out.

I loved Jimmy and his boxers (WHAT DID THAT ALL MEAN?!?!) I can’t get a handle on what they were trying to do with Jimmy other than the obvious. I wonder if that was a hint at things to come for Jimmy. He is getting a storyline. He kept mentioning having a good idea for the scrapyard. Which is…worrisome.

Small thing in the hospital. Robert’s name was always placed above Alex’s. Yes, its protocol but I think that was a wink that Robert will ALWAYS be above Alex. *LET ME HAVE THIS*

Whew. I know not everyone will agree. I may have overthought or not thought through enough. That episode gave me so many feels and I still have feels writing this. I loved it. It hurt like hell but I know…its for the best. I see people think this means Robron are over but not at all. This is a new beginning. Exactly what they need for 2018.

*glasses up*

Lets hang on and follow this out. WE ARE ALMOST THERE. WE ARE CLOSE TO REUNION (my guess? February. Maxine episodes) and seeing AARON AND ROBERT GET STRONGER AWAY FROM EACH OTHER AND TOGETHER. Bring it on.

*CLINK*

#Robron #Robert Sugden #Aaron Dingle #Emmerdale #The White Family #A Christmas Tale #My views #Live and Organized Production

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