#this ended up uhhhh longer than i set out for it to be lol. but none of it felt super cut-down-able. i hope this all makes sense!

[violetsquare111]

perhaps overly rambly thoughts on the influencer arc

it is very hard to watch but i don't think it's contrary to what we know of green, and i'm enjoying it just fine.

we know green is a showoff and perfectionist. the color gang all like winning, but green likes making a big display of it too. he's quite a sore winner and loser, and hates having the spotlight taken from him when it is his.

he loves attention and praise. and like, that's okay, don't we all? he cares about his friends in the end.

but i get the feeling that, while they love him and appreciate his talents, his friends don't really give him that big attention that he might want. they're used to him winning and being good at art/performance of any kind. it's normal to them really. maybe even a little disheartening.

so i can easily see how getting that attention in the form of being an influencer is a huge thing for green. an addiction, even. he gets so drawn into it that he overlooks his friends' discomfort, so he can keep being the Perfect Celebrity, keep the hype going.

obviously this end outcome here isn't actually what he wanted, and i'm sure he feels guilt for all this on some level. but he's pushed that away in favor of the high of getting a number to go up, getting more of the spotlight. there's nothing else that matters right now but getting that new dopamine hit. again, it is an addiction.

surely his friends will come around. why don't they get it? this is a good thing for him. he's winning. he's harsh, yes, but he's just trying to be successful. his friends aren't actually hurt (they are), they're doing fine (they're not), what's the issue? (everything.)

i don't think current green is character assassination - right now he's doing horribly and hurting the people around him because he is at his lowest, the worst version of himself where his flaws overtake him. it can go up from here. i have no doubt that by the end of this green is going to get some sense shaken into him and make up with his friends. like, that's just the kind of series this is.

and despite all the character analysis i just did lol - i ALSO think it's important to remember that we are probably taking these characters infinitely more seriously than the creators are. while the series sometimes dips its toes (or entire face) into being a dramatic and beautiful story, it is ultimately a cartoon, and sometimes the character writing will be simplified in favor of a gag or an overall story arc. that's fine.

i get why some people might not like it, but i don't think they're doing anything totally unprecedented for the characters they've set up, and i think they'll wrap this up alright.

[campingwiththecharmings]

hi baby<3 can i please have a uhhhh “next time we get into an argument, i’m reminding you that i took your virginity” WITH A LARGE SIDE OF SANTI PLEASE OH MY GOFFJKNKJFN

Long Time Coming

AN: Thanks for sending this in, Hads. And thanks also for being so patient with me lol. I struggled a little with this prompt for some reason, but I hope you still enjoy what I ended up with. ❤️

(Un-beta’d)

Rated: M+ (this is smut so, i mean, you’ve been warned?) Words: 1,950 Pairing: Santiago Garcia x F!Reader Warnings: p in v, praise kink (if you squint), a little angst, a dash of inner turmoil, overuse of italics, probably too much softness but i'm a sap so 🤷‍♀️ AO3

——————

Your breath stalls in your chest when you see him, body stiffening, eyes widening in surprise.  

“Santi?”  

He shifts awkwardly on his boot-clad feet, averting his eyes and rubbing the back of his neck. He’s older than you remember, but it’s definitely him—those deep, brown eyes, tight curls, full lips, chiseled jaw. 

“Hey,” he says quietly, the look in his eyes hesitant but hopeful. 

You twist your lips, crossing your arms over your chest as anger flares in your belly. You’d been best friends growing up, pretty much inseparable. So when he’d joined the military a week after high school graduation, you’d been understandably gutted. You’d tried to be supportive, knew this was his best chance of getting out of this shithole of a town, but you couldn’t help but feel like he was abandoning you. Maybe it was silly, but you’d always assumed you’d eventually end up together, maybe married, maybe not, but together nonetheless. The idea of losing him, of losing that future was difficult to deal with.  

Him confessing his love to you the night before he was set to leave didn’t help matters. Especially when you’d told him you felt the same. 

He’d kissed you, his hands cupping your cheeks almost reverently, like you were the most precious thing he’d ever touched, and you’d melted into each other, an awkward tangle of lips and hands and teeth. He’d admitted afterward that you were his first, something you’d found hard to believe given how flirtatious he always was. You can still recall the faint flush of his cheeks when he’d said, “Yeah well, the only one I wanted was…you.” 

Needless to say, neither of you had gotten much sleep. 

The memory of that night had gotten you through the many long stretches of time apart that followed. You’d kept in touch as much as possible, writing letters and emails and talking over the phone. He’d come home to you a few times, warming your bed for a week or two before shipping out again and starting the cycle over. You’d dreamed of a day when he’d stay, when he’d come back and never leave, when he’d finally be yours. 

Sadly, that day had never come.  

It had happened slowly, responses to your emails and letters taking longer and longer, scheduled calls being rescheduled or missed completely, until they just…stopped all together. You’d panicked, thought that something had happened to him, thought he’d been killed in action, but no one would tell you anything because you “weren’t family.” You’d held out hope for months, hope that’d he’d call, that he’d write, that he’d come home to you. But he hadn’t. 

Until now. 

You’re not sure how he’d found you; you’d left your childhood home years ago, and had moved around quite a bit since, just searching for a place to belong. You’d finally settled on this place a few months ago, the quaint little town making you feel at peace for the first time in ages. 

Seeing him takes you back, back to the place you were before, to the place where you’d lost him, to the place where he’d left you without a second thought. 

Ignoring the part of you that is elated at his sudden, unannounced reappearance, you say, “I thought you were dead.” 

He winces at your bluntness but maintains eye contact. “I can explain…if you’ll let me.” 

You glare at him, the pain you’d felt all those years ago, the pain you thought you’d overcome, rearing its ugly head and stabbing you in the chest like a knife. When you don’t say anything, he sighs, stepping closer.  

“I’m so sorry, cariño.” 

You swallow hard, willing the tears welling in your eyes not to fall. After a moment you blink, looking away and inhaling shakily. 

“Come in,” you say flatly, stepping to the side so he can slip in past you. 

After grabbing you both a drink, you settle on the couch where he tells you about how right before he lost contact with you, he was recruited for this special ops team and they told him that he couldn’t tell anyone about it, that he couldn’t have any communication with the outside world. He’d made the mistake of thinking this was only during missions and was devastated when he’d discovered it wasn’t. He tells you he’s thought of you every single day, sick with guilt over the fact that he hadn’t been able to tell you where he was, what he was doing, that he was even alive. When he’d finally gotten out (and he was out, for good, he says), he’d gone home, hoping that you’d still be there, hoping you’d let him explain. He’d been gutted when they’d told him you left. 

You ask him how he found you and he looks away, rubbing the back of his neck and mumbling something about calling in a few favors. You nod, unsure what to say, unsure what to do. You want him, God do you want him. For years, you’ve been trying to forget about him, to move on, but no one has ever made you feel the way he did….the way he does. When you meet his eyes again, you know he feels the same. 

“Do you remember that night? The one right before I left?” he asks, leaning closer as he sets his empty glass beside yours on the coffee table. 

Emotions swirl inside you as the memories come flooding back—the awkward tangle of limbs as you’d torn at each other’s clothing, the desperation you’d felt, the need. You nod, swallowing thickly. 

“I think about that night all the time,” he rasps, a soft, nostalgic smile forming on his lips. 

His eyes are unfocused, as if he’s reliving that memory now, just as you had only moments ago. He looks so soft, like the man you remember, the one that you’d fallen for all those years ago. You still love him, you never stopped, and now that he’s here with you again…all you want is to start over. 

Unable to help yourself, you lean in, tentatively pressing your lips to his. His body stills, limbs going rigid, and you almost pull away, but then he sighs in relief, his breath shaky as he kisses you back, hard. His hands cup your cheeks, holding your face to his as he devours your mouth, his tongue hot as it slides against yours. You moan, your fingers fumbling with the hem of his shirt. He lets you pull it over his head, immediately reclaiming your mouth as you toss it somewhere behind you. Your shirt is next, thumping lightly as it hits the floor beside his. His hands rove over every inch of exposed skin and you arch into it, his touch sending a shiver down your spine. It’s clumsy, much like that night, and you can’t help the smile you press against his lips at the thought. 

You both rush to divest each other of your remaining clothing, giggling when Santi trips as he steps out of his pants. He lays you on the couch, covering your naked body with his, arms braced on either side of your head. He pauses as he settles over you, his warm eyes greedily roving your face. 

“I love you,” he whispers, leaning in and nuzzling his nose against yours. 

Something settles in your chest, something warm, something light, and you smile, reaching up to comb your fingers through his salt and pepper curls. He leans into the touch, his eyelids fluttering in pleasure. 

“I love you too, Santi,” you breathe, right before you pull his mouth back to yours. 

He smiles against your lips, his mouth sliding languidly over yours. You sigh at the feel of his skin against yours, at the comforting weight of him on top of you. This, right here, right now, this moment with him, it feels more like home than any other place you’ve ever been. Maybe those sayings were right, maybe home isn’t a place, but a person. Tears well in your eyes at the thought and you will them not to fall. Santi’s groan is broken as he pushes inside you, his cock stretching you, filling you better than anyone else ever could—like he was made for you, and you were made for him. 

You moan, arching into him as he buries his face in your neck, his muscles tight as he stills, trying desperately to pull himself together. It was like this that first night too, you remember. He’d been so keyed up, so lost in you, he’d almost come the moment he slipped inside your warmth. You smile, rubbing his back soothingly, wordlessly telling him it’s okay (because you know he’s stressing right now).  

He relaxes not long after, the tension in his body lessening as he grinds into you, pulling your leg higher around his waist. You moan as he somehow slips in even further, shivering as his cock bumps against your cervix. He groans when you flutter around him, his mouth finding yours against as he pushes and pulls, taking you both higher and higher. It’s soft and it’s slow, all the emotions you’d thought you’d buried long ago swirling like a hurricane in your head, in your heart. They’re so strong, you can’t help the tears that begin to fall, slipping out and winding down your cheeks as you and Santi cling to one another. 

You fall over the edge together, so wrapped up and lost in each other you no longer know where he begins and you end. Finally, after all these years, you feel whole, feel complete.

Later, after a much-needed nap (followed by more sex), you order take out and settle back onto the couch. You’re curled into his side, clad only in his shirt (him in his boxers) as you share a carton of lo mein, chuckling as he stuffs a ridiculous amount of noodles into his mouth. He smiles at you with puffy cheeks and you laugh again, cleaning the corners of his mouth off with your thumb. You still can’t believe he’s here with you, that he’s staying.  

Santi catches the look in your eyes and he softens, leaning in to press a kiss to your lips. You kiss him back, humming at the taste of him. When you pull away, he presses his forehead to yours, your breaths mingling. 

The carton of lo mein is in your lap and you frown when you notice it looks lower than you’d realized. 

“Santi, you ate all the noodles,” you pout, pulling back enough to shoot him a half-hearted glare. 

He bites his lip, eyes guiltily flicking down to the mostly empty container before meeting yours again. 

“We had Chinese that first night too, didn’t we?” he rasps, a teasing glint in his eyes. 

You snort, shaking your head. “That’s not gonna work every time, you know.” 

“I don’t know what you mean,” he says airily, clearly fighting back a smile. 

You raise an eyebrow, smirking at him. “Fine. The next time we get into an argument, I’m reminding you that I took your virginity.” 

His eyes darken a little, running his tongue slowly over his bottom lip. He’s silent for a moment, then reaches for another carton on the coffee table. He holds it up between you, as if it’s an offering and you take it with a smile. 

“Good boy, Garcia,” you say with a smirk, eyeing him teasingly as you crack open another carton of noodles, “Guess you can teach an old dog new tricks.”

Later, he makes you pay for that comment (“How’s this for a trick, cariño.”)

If you enjoyed this, please let me know! I appreciate every single reblog and/or comment. Thank you. 💖

🌟 Masterlist 🌟 fic-aversary masterlist 🌟

i am no longer doing a taglist. please follow @charmingupdates for updates and turn on notifications.

[novaiisk]

Favorite headcanon for every ghoul! Go!

Every ghoul??? Oh god uhhhh

Ok its not every ghoul but the ones i think about the most ig, and i shouldnt say these are my favorite hcs but they are a few random ones that i decided were fun lol

Check em out below the cut

Sodo: That little mf loves to be weird and ominous and just stand all stoic like in dark hallways sometimes, staring with glowing eyes at whatever poor ghoul happens to be at the other end of the hall. It’s not actually all that scary and most ghouls just wave to him and move along with a chuckle but Aether often gets stopped in his tracks or tries to stare ominously back at him, only for Sodo to flinch towards him like he’s gonna run at him and for Aether to book it outa there holding his hands up.

Bonus: He steams when his emotions are high, literally steams. Steam flows out from his mouth, nose, ears, etc. Its kind of annoying sometimes, but at least it looks cool.

Aether: Big guy gives the best hugs in the entire ministry, some might say that they can even cure you of minor injuries or ailments. He is almost always met with eager open arms, and when he’s not (looking at you sodo) he will wrap them up tight and hold them close with a big ol smile anyway no matter how much they grumble and kick. Even sodo cant hide how great he feels when Aether finally lets him go and sends him on his way.

Bonus: Also killer at massages

Mountain: If he wasn’t constantly tapping out rhythms on any available surface wherever he went, he is very quiet. So quiet that sometimes its a jumpscare when all the sudden you hear a beat begin to be tapped out behind you. It’s honestly impressive how well he can pass unnoticed considering how tall he is but he likes to just listen in. Coincidentally, he knows all the gossip you could ever desire. If you have a secret, its best to bribe him now to never share it because its a good chance he already knows it.

Swiss: He and sodo vape together and set up a lil cozy spot to chill in while they do. Basically a blanket fort that they can hotbox on occasion. They think they are soooo cool lmao. Sodo has given him a few burns because of how much Swiss pokes fun at him, but playful bullying is swiss’ love language so its all in good fun. Also this mf is the biggest flirt ever, he has flirted with every ghoul, every sibling, and honestly every object that humors him. He thinks its fun. Generally just a great ghoul to hang around.

The ghoulettes: i honestly dont know much about them to my great dismay but i think they should all cuddle in a giant fluffy pile. Their cuddle piles are probably the best place to sleep in the ministry. Maybe too good actually, any ghoul who joins them has a very high chance of sleeping for much much longer than they had originally intended to. Often finding themselves overslept for some important task, but nothing beats how you feel when you finally wake up. Not tired like you sometimes do after a long sleep, but entirely refreshed.

Bonus Omega: Dude is a poetry nut but he’s embarrassed about most of the time

Bonus Alpha: Omega3’s biggest hater ( “I mean good for you guys but really? Right in front of my salad?” )

[freyafrida]

20 Questions for Writers

tagged by @librarylexicon!! ty ty ❤️

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

nineteen

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

154,262

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently Anne of Green Gables and Midnighters. i've also dabbled in some other fandoms but haven't written for them in a while, or i feel like i've written all i want to for them, so i don't count them.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Come Back Home, by faaaar (252). following that, How Certain the Journey (160), Arco Iris (144), but i don't know who you are (105), there's another, not a sister (73). all aogg fics!

just for fun, top non-aogg fic by kudos is you're my unforeseen, a kenzi/hale fic from back when i watched lost girl. (also canadian content......sensing a theme here.)

5. Do you respond to comments?

i try to! i always really appreciate them and ofc if there's a thoughtful comment i do want to respond in kind. (kind of funny, i think i'm better at replying to comments than i used to be solely bc i have an email job now so i'm always like "ah yes gotta turn around a reply to this in 24-48 business hours.")

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

hmm...i don't usually end on an angsty note! i like to leave things hopeful or peaceful, at the very least, if not outright happy. i guess it would be leave me the way i was before, which ends on an ambiguous note -- even though the characters come to an understanding and no longer hate/blame each other, they know they can't stay together and help each other heal.

(oh yeah i just re-scrolled through my fics and i guess but i don't know who you are is kind of a downer, bc walter realizes he loves una but he's already in the trenches and the ending implies it's too late oops. i was counting it as a happy one since hey, at least he realized it! lmao)

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Come Back Home, pretty obviously -- canon ends with walter dead and una forever alone, so having walter live and return her feelings and both of them finding some peace/their place in the world after WWI is pretty happy i think!

8. Do you get hate on fics?

never gotten full-on hate, fortunately! wayyy back in the day on FFN, when i wrote a rarepair or unpopular character, i'd often get 1-2 passive-aggressive comments like "uhhh your writing is ok i guess but i don't think you understand canon because OBVIOUSLY you wouldn't have written this if you did", but those seem less common/acceptable now thankfully.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

occasionally, yeah. i've never written anything super explicit, but there's a...middling amount of detail? lol. i like writing romance and intimacy and vulnerability and simping and i've gotten more comfortable with portraying/exploring those themes via sex scenes.

10. Do you write crossovers?

no, never have -- "characters from X and Y fandoms meet" isn't my cup of tea, although i do like "AU of characters from X fandom in Y fandom's plot/setting", provided, you know, i find the latter interesting haha.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

uhhhh...🫣 not outright stolen, but i did once stumble upon a fic that seemed to have lifted a scene from one of mine. the fic was already abandoned by the time i read it and the author seemed pretty young, so i didn't want to like call them out, but...welp. hopefully they quietly learned their lesson. also yeah pretty much all my fic has been scraped and reposted to random knockoff sites.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yeah!! my rebelde way fic, Comfort Zones, was very kindly translated into russian by Alice_Bolognini.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

nope! i don't think i ever will; seemingly like a lot of my mutuals, i am kind of a control freak over my fics lol. i also am a super-slow writer so i imagine a co-writer would get really fed up with me after a while!

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

i...guess walter/una? haha that's really hard to pick, i love romance and have a ton of fave ships and i like them all in their own special ways! but walter/una has had me in a chokehold for almost the longest* and i think maybe has the most ~scope for imagination~ for me -- i still get ideas for what i want to write for them and bits of their characters that i think are interesting and how it would affect the dynamic between them. (tangent, i think the fact that anne's kids have several gaps in the narration of their lives is what makes me so interested in them, versus anne herself? like i never feel the need to write anne/gilbert fic, and i very rarely get the urge to read it, because their canon story is so complete and perfect to me. anyway.)

*honestly, in terms of pure "years i have spent thinking about them" numbers, it would probably be...david/shay from uglies. or james/sarah from liberty's kids lmao lmao /o\

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?

no such thing, i am determined to finish everything i post! (see also: coming back to How Certain the Journey after 9 years). the WIP that will probably take me the longest is the clocks are black, a Midnighters fix-it fic that i ran out of steam for a few years ago. i still tinker with it and plan to finish it, but it's unfortunately slow coming.

16. What are your writing strengths?

i think characterization and language (word choice, sentence flow) in general -- at least, those are the things people point out the most, so i'm rolling with it! the latter is probably what i pay attention to most while writing.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

i am not great at writing action scenes for sure. also i'm not great at coming up with zingers, so writing witty/snappy dialogue is rough for me (not that i write very many snappy characters...i probably am subconsciously avoiding them for this reason lmao).

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

full on lines of dialogue, no -- it feels unnecessary; at that point i'd rather write it in english and indicate elsewhere in the text that they're speaking another language (or write "so-and-so said something in [language]", if the POV character wouldn't understand it.) i don't mind using an occasional word/phrase when necessary, though.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

a series of unfortunate events! in the dark depths of fanfiction.net, under a different username, you can find a ton of my klaus/isadora fics with evanescence lyrics for titles. good times.

20. Favourite fic you've written?

Come Back Home is the fic i'm proudest of. it's the fullest and most complete thing i've ever written, in terms of being the longest and having the most plot (not that it has a lot, still) and actually being completed. that does make it my favorite in some ways -- it's still the only longfic i've ever finished and i'm still just like. eternally pleased that i managed to write all my wish-fulfilly walter/una thoughts into something coherent and give myself something to reread when i want to ignore canon. buuut it's also 11(!!!) years old and there are parts i think i could write better now (although i wouldn't touch it either, too many war flashbacks to authors taking down completed fic to rewrite it, and then never completing the new version ;_;)

my actual favorite fic at the moment is the more that you say, the less i know, which is a david/shay fic i wrote a few years ago! i just always had a lot of feelings about shay's story arc in uglies and how she was treated by the narration/other characters, and i feel pretty happy with how it was all distilled and portrayed in the fic. it's also recent enough that i'm not embarrassed by the writing yet. also i wanted to keep it fairly concise and not write 20+ chapters for it, so i'm happy i managed to keep it to 4 haha. it still took me a whole year to edit chapter 3 tho

tagging @jomiddlemarch @gogandmagog @noneedtoamputate! ofc feel free to not do it, and anyone else who wants to do it can consider themselves tagged :D

[whump-captain]

I got tagged by @set-phasers-to-whump and omg i had such a blast answering these, thank u (◡‿◡) i'll tag @deepwoundsandfadedscars @thatsgonnaleaveamark (i think it's double tag? soz if so) @whumpapalooza @emcscared-whumps @straight-to-the-pain and anyone who sees it and has more than one WIP going on currently, writing or otherwise

(ill put in a readmore bc it's Long)

Rules: post the top 5 works you’re most proud of that you released in 2022 (not necessarily your most popular), your top 4 current WIPs that you’re excited to release in the new year, your top 3 biggest improvements in your writing over the past year, your top 2 resolutions (ways you wish to improve your writing/blog) for the new year, and your number 1 favorite line you’ve written this year!

Top 5 works im proud of, in no particular order:

Impaled (Felix Lawrence) - I’m mostly proud of this one because I was worried if I could write it at all! A lot of moving parts in the scene that i was convinced would get away from me, but i managed to keep everything straight and describe it clearly. It was also a struggle to drip-feed bits of necessary lore into this one snippet without grinding the whole thing to a halt and i think i did that pretty well!

Confrontation (Ghost ambulance) - I’m super happy with the prose in this. I think it flows the best out of most of my stuff and there are some sentences that i’m really proud of because they convey a lot of meaning in a very pretty way. I often find it hard to balance clarity and metaphor but i hit the jackpot here. The dialogue is also one of my better ones, i think.

Failed rescue attempt (Kintsugi) - this one takes the prize for dialogue though, I’m incredibly happy with how it turned out. I tried to fit an entire conflict between two characters into a single conversation and introduce them both by way of that conflict - while also keeping them sounding distinct and like real people. I’m also very pleased with myself over the use of the prop in the scene lmao it’s such a small thing but i felt like a film director including it lol

No anesthesia (Ghost ambulance) - im mostly proud of the pacing in this one. it's quite long but it doesn't become repetitive which is something i notice a lot in my writing. both the dialogue and the actual action flow pretty well and there are no awkward transitions or subject changes - plus it might be the longest actual pain description ive ever written lmao but i managed to keep it interesting throughout and have the whump scene actually feel like a Scene.

Whumper POV (Ghost ambulance): I wrote this mostly to challenge myself and i succeeded at the thing that was the challenge! I wanted to try a brand new character voice and also to develop said character - but not to fall into common "whumper tropes". I don't write whumpers often so i was worried i'd end up with a cliche but i managed to find an emotional core for the character and from there it went more smoothly. The biggest point of pride for me is that i fell in love with Brent as a character because of this piece lol and now i want to write more of him

Top 4 current WIPs:

Uhhhh i never ever name anything lmao but:

WIP 1 is some comfort-heavy Elaine whump that shows her mindset before and after meeting her friends and it's just. SO comfort. im excited. i should hurt her more often so she can be taken care of (◡‿◡)

WIP 2 is an introduction to a new ghost ambulance storyline, taking place at a fancy high-society party. I honestly don't have much of it figured out plot-wise lmao that's why it's not going very quickly but it's gonna have high stakes, a race against the clock, gratuitous descriptions of fancy outfits, and a brand new character (with gun)

WIP 3 is a whumptober "poisoned" prompt that i'm planning to finish, because i have some cool monster ideas for it that i can spend a bit more time developing now that i have no time concerns. of course, no time concerns probably means it will take much longer than it needs to lol

WIP 4 is something i started aaaaages ago, it concerns a dislocation, blood draining, and a sentient vampire tree trying to eat people. it's incredibly fun but i got a bit stuck on a description and never finished it so i wanna try and get it out soon (◡‿◡)

(im also going to add the entirety of Kintsugi in here even though i don't think i'm going to post much of it. the characters changed a lot as i developed the story and so did the whole setup so unless i feel like doing an au, im gonna most likely spend time writing the feature-length thing. i am v excited about it though (◡‿◡))

Top 3 writing improvements:

Ehhhhhh this one is really hard bc i have this sinking feeling that my writing has actually gotten worse through this year djdjfhdkd its probably because i write way more than i used to, so a lot of stuff is going to be Just Alright instead of something i consider standout. Also ive started looking at my work more critically so I can consciously improve, but it does mean i notice more of the flaws.

But Improvement 1 is definitely dialogue, im much more comfortable writing it now and i have a decent idea of how and why it might stumble - and through that, how to make it better.

Improvement 2 i'd call figuring out my workflow, which honestly does wonders for Actually Finishing Stuff. I learned to keep my writing momentum, mostly by using [filler words] in [brackets] instead of pausing to do research or look for the perfect word. I come back for those later, after i finish the first draft. Coming back to the first point, i also start a dialogue scene by just writing out the lines, with no prose or descriptions. That helps me keep the conversations on topic and gives them better flow cause i don't forget what the previous line was about while writing a reaction lol

Improvement 3 is a bit of a cheat but i do think it counts that i started reading way more this year. I try to pay attention to what i do and don't like about the books i read and how i can improve based on those insights. It's also very inspiring, do gotta say

Top 2 resolutions:

Hmmmmm number 1 i'd say is to be kinder to my own writing tbh. I have so many goals i want to work towards but above them all hangs a bunch of uncertainty bc i doubt pretty much every choice i make. I keep thinking oh this is too winding, that is too simple, is this how it's Supposed be written and all of that whereas like. It's not Supposed to be anything. It's supposed to be fun and maybe meet my own standards of "quality" but that's it. In the words of a philosopher, It's Not That Deep.

Number 2 is to get my writing out to more people! I'd love to both get more audience here and also to maaaaaaybe perhaps somehow get published - that's a big dream of mine recently (◡‿◡) i reckon i have what it takes to get a short story in a magazine, i just need to be more resilient and send out more stuff

No. 1 favourite line:

Oh man that was the hardest one fhdhdjdldh i'm gonna go with:

"The ground below remains steady and it promises peace if he only lets it swallow him and bind him forever to this single point in space and time."

[tarousprettybaby]

Into the Depths (Day 4)

Day 4 of Kinktober: Kirishima Eijirou

Kink: Breath Play

Word Count 1.5k (uhhhh...whoops?)

Warning(s): MINORS DNI, afab reader, cunnilingus (female receiving), uhm drowning (please don't try this at home), choking, breath play themes, probably inaccurate descriptions of how these activities should go. (I'm serious, please don't take this fic as a guide for...anything at all lol), use of the word vixen, pwp, and maybe ooc Kiri (idk just don't feel confident about his personality, or lack of one really)

Notes from the Author: *nervous chuckle* Is my favoritism showing? As y'all can probably this was supposed to be released an hour ago, funny story I didn't write this until the last second tho soooo here we are. I hope you all don't mind the slightly longer than intended story, I had an idea for this one, but I hadn't expected my mind to run with it quite so much lol! Anyways, enjoy!

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The ocean is so very blue. Especially at this time of night, a deep cerulean swirls around you, never-ending and beautiful. Well, not never-ending; the shore behind you ruins the illusion, but it’s a good enough distance that you think nothing of it.

You sigh slightly, letting the peace and quiet envelope you.

So relaxing…

Despite your thoughts, your breath does catch in your throat a little bit, as if your body is more on guard than your mind is currently. As if, in the back of your mind, you can tell that something is nearing you.

But you ignore it. Closing your eyes as you float on your back, deciding to be a little ignorant.

That is until something pulls on the shawl around your waist. It wasn’t a harsh tug per se. In fact, it was barely perceptible to the point that you almost ignored it almost. But no, instead, your eye opened, nothing but the sky in your vision, just as another tug occurred, this one a little harsher.

Ok, never mind, not funny, time to get out of the ocean.

But you barely have the time to make good on your thoughts because whatever it was now has brushed up against you. The bump is just harsh enough to make you startle and throw you off your balance, face now tumbling a little towards the water before you stave it off.

Now that you know something else is here, meeting it face to face does not make you the most excited whatsoever. No, the shore looks like the best place to be next to the unending black ocean surrounding you. And thus, you set off, beginning to freestyle your back.

It’s when you hear a splash behind you that you begin to pick up the pace. Furious arms pumping out in front of you in an attempt to get away from whatever is following you. Shark, dolphin, or hell, even a fucking narwhal, doesn’t matter. You need to get away from it. But it seems you’re guesses are wrong as you hear a sort of chuckle sound behind you. It’s low and obviously male, almost giving you turn. Could someone have possibly been fucking with you? A random frat boy or another leech of society finding a girl alone and deciding it’d be hilarious to scare her?

No, no, no- no, that can’t be it. You’d hear him, see him, anything!

Alas, you’ve thought too long, and in your thinking, your swimming slowed as well. Something, a hand may be, brushes your foot. And before you can truly comprehend it, your ankle is snatched, and you’re drug under.

You fight, and struggle, and try your best to claw away, but it’s of little help. The iron grip of this creature remains, and it only serves to pull you more into the oceanic depths. You’re running out of air as you know it. Think, escape, do SOMETHING. But you can’t.

You’re eyes begin to slide close, the last bits of oxygen leaving your chest.

All of this is so…

Exhilarating.

Air. Oxygen. And a gasp is all you register when you come back. Next is the lapping of water against your body, as gentle and calm as it had been earlier. Then it’s the odd feeling of numbness leaving you. Before finally, it’s the strong arms tightly wrapped around your middle.

“Damn,” a male voice starts, “you really gave me a scare there, babe. Had me thinking I had overdone it!” Rather than responding to the words, you smile. Body curling into his a little as a stretch racks your body, a small whimper leaving your still wet lips. Baby, my song? You are awake, right?”

Oh~, your dear sweet Eijirou, he was always so caring with these things, wasn’t he?

“I am love, I am,” you whisper to him. You feel his exhale against your head as if he had held in a breath expecting the worse. “I’m sorry I worried you. But…I handled it quite nicely, didn’t I?” you speak a little louder now, your tone holding a slight edge to it.

He huffs out, hands moving to your hips as he hoists you up and onto a rock behind, one you hadn’t even registered before.

“Maybe, but you should’ve tapped out when you thought you’d pass out. That’s not good for you babe,” his sentence lingers in the air, letting you know he’s not entirely done yet. “And, I could’ve hurt you; that’s the last thing I’d want.”

His voice is morose and apologetic, a tone you can never reasonably handle coming from him. In an attempt to calm him, your hands gently grasp his face between them, rubbing small circles into his cheeks. You also lean down to kiss his forehead, whispering, “I’m sorry I worried you, love. I’ll be more careful next time. And-”

“Next time?! What makes you think there’ll be a next time.” He inquires incredulously.

You smirk and pull back from your previous position, the simple words “Don’t act like you don’t like it.” Causing red to sprout on his face. You both knew he enjoyed the power he held over you at least a little bit. It only being thrilling because you were both playing with such a powerful concept. Life and death, such an exciting coin to spin.

But your mind was immediately pulled away from this quandary as you instead felt Eijirous head nuzzle into your inner thigh. His own natural mischief-making an appearance as he inquired, in a low deep voice, that always made you shiver, “Well…I think I’ve earned some compensation. Don’t you, my song?” His arms proceed to wrap around your thighs a yank you closer to him as they are now set on his shoulders. Perfectly framing his face with your skin tone.

A shaky breath is what falls from your lips, a hesitant breath as he nips a little at your still-clothed heat.

“Take allll the compensation you need, love, please do.”

At your consent, your bottoms are swiftly removed, and Eijirous face is promptly buried in between your thighs. He takes deep inhales, moaning at your mere scent before beginning to quell his thirst. Extremely lewd slurps and sucks sound from your lower half as Kiri ravages your sex. His tongue, ever dexterous, alternates between figure eights around your clit and plunging into the velvet walls of your cunt.

Moans of pleasure leave you as you enthusiastically encourage and beg him to continue in his pursuits.

But then stops again. Just as you’re about to whine and ask why he did, he simply states, “Wanna try something.”

He pulls your body to a much more narrow part of the rock, laying you across it, so your head is mere inches away from the water, but your pussy is still above it. Ever so carefully, you feel his hand travel up and between the valley of your breasts before reaching your neck. He slowly wraps his hands around it, maintaining eye contact with you the whole time, making sure you’re ok with this, but also turning you on that much more.

He begins to slowly eat you out once again, a mewl leaving your throat at the contact. But in conjunction with this, he also begins applying pressure to your throat, not only cutting off your air supply but also putting you closer and closer to the swirling water.

Your pussy clenches around nothing, something Kiri can feel more than he can see. He pulls from your heat, muttering, “Such an slutty vixen, getting off to me controlling your breath.” He slurps at your entrance again, his tongue once again thrusting into your cavern, seeming to reach deeper and deeper each time.

IF you could get more oxygen to your lungs, you’d be praising him more. His pace has quickened now, flattening his tongue ever so often, so your hips swirl against his face. He alternates between applying pressure to your neck and letting you breathe, the timing never consistent, always keeping you tiptoeing along the edge.

“Mhm- I’m g-gonna cum, Eijirou! Oh fuck fuck fuck fu-” your moans, reaching the level of pornographic, are cut off by his hand tightening more than it had this entire time. The cutoff leaving you a little dizzy and on the path to a euphoric feeling. His tongue never stops moving, and it’s when he nips at your clit a few times in quick succession that you find yourself tumbling over the edge. The high that much sweeter with his hand releasing from your neck and the rush of oxygen making your head swirl.

Your hips rapidly ride his face as you ride out your high, him mumbling out “good girl” and “doesn’t that feel good” right into your pussy lips. By the end of it, you’re practically a rag doll, and the only sounds between you both are the ocean and your pants for breath.

Eijirou comes around towards your face, holding it in his palm-which you kiss- and simply waiting for your response to the events that just took place.

Your reply only has him chuckling and threatening to leave you out for the sharks,

“You take my breath away…literally.”

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©Tarousprettybaby 2021-2022. please don’t repost work.

[rexismycopilot]

writing tag game

Thank you @thetorontokid, @adaliak, and @shywhitemoose for the tag :D

how many works do you have on AO3?

43

what’s your total A03 word count?

232,618

what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

i've been waiting for you - the one that started it all. Sometime I read it and cringe at word choice or phrasing (just to really torture myself) (I mean, I still like it because I wrote it for me, so ya know)

quiet the mind and the soul will speak - it takes Gentle Dom Obi-Wan to the max. Like, you thought I was kidding? Nah. He's gentle and caring x1000

to love is to trust - I'm really glad this one made it into the top 5. It's really sweet and, gd shy Anakin slays me.

a lesson learned is a lesson earned - the first discipline fic I ever wrote. Both idiots learn a lessson.

where there's a will, there's a way - it was supposed to be pure smut and (surprise surprise) it turned into hurt/comfort in chapter 2.

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Always! I love when people comment and I want them to know how much I appreciate it! :D

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

I think most of my fics end happily? I like that they're a self-contained shot of happiness (mostly maybe?)

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Uhhhh.... maybe Stay Next To Me? It's not really angsty, but it's not necessarily a certainty?

Do you write crossovers?

Nope. I don't know if I ever would either... Never say never, but I don't really see that happening.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I don't think so. I've had questions about why I wrote something one way or told me that they thought something I wrote didn't resonate with them (which is completely fair). I wouldn't call that hate (because I didn't feel like it was actual hate, it was coming from a place of finding common ground and discussing certain choices I had made)

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

....lol. Yeah. I do. It's almost all of my fics. (but each of those fics have a lot more than just smut. I'm a sucker for that fluff and comfort. I love exploring intimacy in relationships and sex happens to be an important part of relationships to me so it's an important part to them too)

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think so. Honestly, I worry so much more about stealing something from another author because a phrase or characterization stuck in my head and I accidentally used it without realizing where I got it from.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I don't think so

Have you ever co-written a fic?

Yes! @aegir-emblem had this amazing idea and mapped out everything in I'm the Satellite and You're the Sky and I had the easy part of taking their outline (with phrases like "Qui-Gon is the epitome of exasperated but gentle love. I adore him. Anyways. Feel free to wing it with this chapter because it’s a lot of dialogue that’s up to you to work out" which makes me lol) and fleshing it out. Which... is good for me because longer fics are hard for me haha.

What is your all time favorite ship?

Obikin. I love Kanan/Hera and the idea of Poe/Finn too, but really, it's Anakin and Obi-Wan in basically any iteration.

What is a WIP that you want to finish, but don’t think you ever will?

There's an AU I started, but never finished. It was a modern setting with d/s themes. I don't know if I'll ever finish it or not. I got like... 16k in I think? I might finish it still though.

What are your writing strengths?

I would say dialogue. Why do Anakin and Obi-Wan banter so much during sex in my fics? Because dialogue is the only thing I can do well.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Everything that isn't dialogue... (plot is the bane of my existence 😭)

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

It's great if you can do it, but I am unfortunately not skilled enough to conquer it. :(

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Star Wars!

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

I think probably "to love is to burn, to be on fire" for a few reasons. One, I got to imagine different outfits for these characters and I really enjoy fashion so... that's always fun. Two, they get to dance together! I had been looking for a way to make that happen and I finally got to to do it! Three, it's a cute fic, but there are a lot of underlying "dangers" in it. And also because @tomicaleto created the best fanart for it!

That or "Stay Next To Me" because it was my first AU and I wrote it in basically a day.

No pressure tags of course, but I've been eating these interviews up when they pop up on my timeline :D @treescape @allegoryofthebeast @aegir-emblem @dilfdarthvader @gay-cheerios @obi-wkenobi @nixie-deangel @tomicaleto

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #458

“i was unprepared for fame, then everybody knew my name”

What does your doormat say? I... actually am not sure. I don't pay any attention. What do you order from most sit down restaurants? Chicken tenders are my go-to safe option, ha ha. Or shrimp. Who was the last person you talked about love/relationships with? Sara. I wanted her advice. Where was the last place you thought about having sex, other than your bed? This was way too long ago, dude. Do you remember the last time you went against someone’s advice? Very recently. :x What day would you consider the best day of your life? Why? Idk, really. Would you say you’re too experienced or too unexperienced for your age? I am embarrassingly unexperienced. What is your favorite neon color? Ever buy nail polish that color? Hot pink. I don't care for nail polish. Has anyone ever mistaken you to be a member of the opposite sex? No. What is the greatest source of happiness in your life? Uhhhh... What was the last charity/cause you donated to? Children With Hair Loss, when I cut a shitload of my hair off for the style I have now. Getting that certificate that my hair was used is to this day one of the warmest feelings I've ever experienced. Who was the last person you got a handwritten letter from? Sara. What is something you know very little about? Economics. Have any of your worst fears ever come true? Yes. I lost Jason. Is anyone in your family divorced? My parents, three of my siblings (all have since gotten remarried and are very happy<3), and I'm sure more distant relatives, too. Does your family go ‘all out’ during the holidays? No. How often in a year do you go to the mall to get new clothes? Pretty much never. Who was the last person to call you beautiful? What was your reaction? Someone on Facebook when I updated my profile pic, probably. I was very flattered, of course. As someone with a SHIT self-image, it means a lot to me. Do you ever get paranoid about who your significant other hangs out with? I'm single, but hypothetically, nope. Did you ever call any teachers by their first name? Who? Some, but only because they preferred it. I don't remember all of them, other than it was common in college. Do you blow-dry, towel-dry or air-dry your hair? Towel-dry and best I can first, then let it air-dry. Have you ever wanted to be in a band? ... One of the reasons I chose to go to actual school instead of homeschooling when I started HS was because I liked the thought of making actual friends and maybe being a guitarist if any wanted to start bands lmao. What is your favorite flavor of gum? Watermelon, probs. Are you a good leader? lol no Would you ever go bear hunting? I'm strictly opposed to hunting for sport, but even if I wasn't, I would NOT be going after bears. Have you ever picked flowers out of someone else’s garden without asking? Wow, no. Have you ever won money by entering a contest/raffle? No. Who is your favorite philosopher? I don't have one. What restaurant would you choose to go to for breakfast? I'm a v basic bitch and love me some Waffle House lmfao. How much money do you think you cost your parents? I. Don't. Want. To. Know. With so much medical stuff... holy shit. Do you eat any meat other than turkey on Thanksgiving? I eat spiral ham, because I don't like turkey in that form. Does your cat give you kitty kisses? Yes. :') Have you ever lost anyone close to cancer? Close, no. My mom was a close call, though... Her cancer was very, very close to being stage 4. Have you ever been to a waterpark? Yeah, as a kiddo. Describe the person you like/love in one word: Hilarious. Do you enjoy creative writing? Hell yeah man. If so, what things do you like writing about the most? Meerkats in a fantasy setting. Do you own any windchimes? Yes. Mom has one, I believe. Have you ever been known for something extremely negative? No. Would you say you’ve made a lot of people proud? Hell no. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone for over a year? Twice. Do you still have feelings for any of your exes? I think I've made that abundantly obvious in the past few surveys lmao. Does your birth name mean anything in another language or sense? It just means "of Britain." I wish my name had better meaning, lol. What is your favorite desert? THE KALAHARI because MEERKATS!!!!!!!!!!! :') Have you ever been called a good kisser? Well not directly, but no one's ever complained? Have you ever stepped on a bee? No. Who is your newest friend? Hmmm... I haven't made a new friend in a very long time. Tell me something about yourself that you don’t normally tell people. I'm an RPer. The last song you heard, what does it make you think of? That I wish I was NEARLY as hot as her lmao. What do you like about your birthday? We go out to eat wherever I want, yum. The person you’re thinking about - what are you thinking about them? That he needs to mESSAGE ME BACK Are you currently sick at all? No. Has anyone ever asked for your autograph? Er, no. What’s one subject that makes you feel uncomfortable? Sex. Who did you last send a friend request to? Idk. What candy makes your face pucker? None that I've tried. I handle sour treats very well. Do you believe that the number 13 is unlucky? No. Do you know any marines? Jason's dad was one. What’s your favorite Halloween movie? Hocus Pocus. :') Do you know anyone who does a lot of pills? I guess me, but they're prescription pills, and I don't abuse them. Mom has a lot, too. Who’s your favorite rapper? And your favorite song by this rapper? Eminem. Either "Love the Way You Lie" or "Space Bound." Has anyone ever made a promise to you that they’d change? Who? No. Have you ever had the cops called on you? For what? Nope. What race do you see the most in your neighborhood? African American. Have you ever walked in on someone accidentally while they were nude? No, I don't think so. Have you ever wanted to get your monroe pierced? Nah, it'd look weird on me. Do you own anything that involves Betty Boop? Nope. Can you remember the last song you listened to? Yeah; I'm listening to Lauren Babic and Halocene's cover of Linkin Park's "Bleed It Out" right now. What is your favourite flavour of Skittles? The sour ones!! Red was always my favorite. Who taught you how to ride a bike? My dad. Who of the opposite sex has seen you at your worst? Girt. Jason is a very close second, but Girt... he saw me at rock fucking bottom. He just showed up at the hospital unannounced after my suicide attempt (he knew because yay for writing a stupid fucking suicide note on Facebook) to help comfort me. He saw me dead to the fucking world and just done with everything. When’s the last time you were on the phone after 2 AM? Wow... probably not since a few days before the aforementioned suicide attempt and I called Jason's landline, desperate to talk to him. His mom picked up and talked to me for like two whole fucking hours. I'm tearing up pretty bad just remembering it, seeing as she's dead now... She cared for me so much. I miss her so, so much. Enough of this question, I'm about to start sobbing. :x What would you do if your best friend got an abortion? Honestly? Be relieved. I really don't think her body could handle pregnancy. What would you do if your father left your mother? That happened, and I hated him for years. What would you do if your bf/gf’s face became mutilated in an accident? Love them all the same. I don't care about appearances. What is the weirdest thing you have ever seen in your life? *shrug* Have you ever dated two different people with the same name? No. That would be so weird. What are you deathly afraid of? Pregnancy. Internal parasites. Which unborn babies technically are. Do you know anyone who’s addicted to drugs and, if so, are you friends with them? I know many potheads, and one I'm pretty close with. Have you ever owned a golf cart before and, if so, what color was it? No. Do you have a sibling who’s a complete deadbeat and, if so, which sibling is it? Definitely not. All my siblings are hard workers that have dreams and aspirations they're either working towards or have achieved. Do you own the new Guitar Hero and, if so, what’s your favorite song on it? I have no clue what the newest one is. My favorite song to play in any of the games though is The Eagles' "Hotel California." It just feels good to play, and the ending solo fuckin' slams. Have you ever done anything dangerous enough to have risked your life? An overdose on cold medicine. What was the most length you’ve ever cut off your hair and why did you cut it? 8+ inches because I no longer wanted long hair. Have you ever overcome a disease that was life-threatening and, if so, which one? No.

[im-the-punk-who]

I'm new to the fandom, but haven't gotten the chance to watch the show yet. Bit weird I know. I've been spoilered for bits and pieces and read some fanfic. Why is so much of the fandom silverflint when flinthamilton is there and so beautiful? I don't want to watch the show and become confused between the ships (lol). Thoughts?

OH BABE. WATCH THE SHOW - JOIN ME IN MY HELL HOLE.

Since you said you've been spoiled a bit, this does contain some spoilers for the show. Nothing major, but I dont think theres a way to talk about this otherwise. ❤

OKAY. I'm gonna say this as politically as possible, lmao, since there is...a healthy dose of animosity between people who ship silverflint and people who don't - mainly because the interpretations of John Silver's character are so varied.

For the record, enemies to lovers is my least favorite shipping trope, and silverflint is probably the biggest notp I've ever had. Edit: And Flinthamilton hits my absolutely favorite shipping trope, which is friends to lovers. We state our personal biases out front like REAL scientists of literature, lmao.  That said I have a bunch of mutuals who ship it and I try my darndest to uhhhh at least support them in that to the extent I'm able.

So, imo, the biggest reason silverflint is so popular is that they're the two characters with the most screentime together. Silver and Flint are on screen together in some capacity in just about every episode from the first to the last, and their plotlines and character developments are deeply intertwined. No matter what their actual relationship was, no matter if they were canon or if there were any actual romantic feelings between them, they were bound to be a big ship, especially since one of them is canonically attracted to men. Conversely, Thomas only has about 40 minutes of screentime in the entire series and it is all in flashback from before the series begins. Now of course he also has a lot of what I'll call 'off-screen callbacks' - James' entire character arc depends on his love and belief in Thomas' ideals - but he and James only interact for a very brief period of time and we really dont get a whole lot about Thomas himself.

There are reasons people ship both, and reasons people might be drawn to silverflint over flintham which all comes down to personal preference, but I really do think the biggest reason is their screentime disparity.

That said...even though Silverflint isn't canon, and Flintham IS the show's endgame, that doesnt make one more valid than the other as a ship because that's categorically not what fandom is about. I don't think there's a confusion to be had there, because there's no such thing as 'this is the right ship and this is the wrong one.' I have ships I doggedly sail that aren't canon and that for some are their notps. And I would quite literally fight to the death over them given half a chance. That's fandom!!

I will say that the reason silverflint is my notp is because I personally feel like the relationship becomes incredibly unhealthy when you put a romantic spin on it - but for some people that's the attraction! Or they don't have the same set of personal experiences I have that lead me to those conclusions! Just as a lot of people have experiences that sour them to him, John Silver is a very personal and relatable character to a lot of people. And honestly, if that's true why wouldn't they want to have him get with James Flint who is not only very beautiful but also technically perfect in every way and has never done anything wrong in his life, ever?

And that's okay! Again it's fandom! Everybody is right! You get validation! And you get validation! Everybody gets validation!!

(Lmao that's wrong - there are some people who are wrong but they're mostly wrong because they try to insist their views are the only corect ones.)

Idk what to tell you. Do I personally wish there was more flintham and less silverflint? For sure, lol. But that's because, let's be real - there was ABSOLUTELY NO WORLD where I wasn't going to be a rabid flintham shipper, and also absolutely no world in which I was going to like John Silver as a character enough to want him near my kin, my sun, my only light, my absolute unit of a child James Flint-McGraw-Hamilton any longer than absolutely necessary. I'm aware of my bias. I stand by it, but I am aware of it, lol. BUT HERE'S THE GREAT THING ANON IF YOU JOIN ME IN SHIPPER HELL WE CAN FIX THAT. BE THE CHANGE I WANT TO SEE!!

My biggest advice is that, at its heart Black Sails is a show about stories and the personal bias inherent in them. Keep your mind open, and try not to let fandom influence your personal feelings towards what you find enjoyable. (Even me. If you end up shipping silverflint, I promise I will try very hard not to take offense lmao). Oh, and don't expect a happy ending for anyone. Black Sails is a tragedy, and in true tragedy form there are no happy endings for anyone except the british empire.

For the most part this is a great fandom and Black Sails itself is a show that I think everyone should watch - even if they aren't in it for the ships. While I have some major problems with it(particularly its treatment of its female characters) it's also hands down the best show I've ever seen in a lot of ways. It is full of not just the most pure and perfect mlm ship in Flintham but ALSO some great canon wlw ships, a dumb himbo who ruins everything, lots of POC - specifically a large number of really excellently portrayed black characters - and just...absolutely phenomenal writing. And it says gay rights with its fucking chest. And it contains the most heartbreakingly real portrayal of why revolutions fail and whose stories get told that like. I've ever, ever seen. I still cry when I think too hard about it please don't look at me.

ANYWAY LONG STORY SHORT WATCH BLACK SAILS. (James&Thomas 4eva)

(And, to that end uhhhh, here's some timestamps for violence against women in the first season. I've been meaning to add on for the other seasons but just haven't had time.)

[im-whatchamccallit]

Risking it Pt. 2//Mark Tuan (Got7)

Part 1|Masterlist|Rules

Requested: Yes

Pairing: Mark Tuan x Reader

Genre: Smut, barely fluff at the end

Warnings: uhhhh.... Idek. Hair pulling, gagging, spanking, overstimulation in a way. Seriously, nothing too crazy.

Words: 4.4k

(A/N: After being worked like a dog for 9 days straight, my job finally allowed me not three, not two, but one (1) day off to finally finish this request. I want to mention that I had to stop each day to sleep or get to work so this may seem a bit choppy and weird and I apologize for that, also editing makes me cry so there’s very little of that lol. But I’m gonna try to do better now that I have the day off)

The day went by so fast, maybe because you spent most of it panicking over the fact mark would be over at any moment to punish you for showing up to Professor Ahn’s class to retake your test, but it gave you time to think. After begging your roommate not to leave to do an all-night crash course for her own upcoming exams and taking an hour long stress nap, you realized you weren’t at fault. Mark knew you were going to go, he knew you weren’t satisfied with your grade and couldn’t handle it, and yet you’re in trouble for it? You weren’t going to stand for that crap.

So after taking another nap, showering and fixing yourself up, and building up a bit of confidence, you were ready to put him in his place.

Unsurprisingly, Mark stuck to his words, coming over that evening and entering your apartment as if he lived there forever, calling out to you as he slipped off his shoes. The muffled sounds of your footsteps grew closer as you entered your living room, staring him down with a faux-toughness that you both knew he could see right through. He couldn’t hide his smirk though, finding your behavior cuter than his long sleeved red and black striped shirt and the frog themed socks you wore.

“You look angry.” He commented, stepping closer as you stood your ground, telling yourself not to give in to him.

“I am. You know my personality like it’s your own so you knew I’d go there. And I think it’s unfair for you to make me miss the opportunity for a better grade when we both know I deserve it.”

Mark listened to you carefully, still moving closer as you narrowed your eyes at him, unsure of what he was planning to do. But all he did was sigh, tilting his head to stare you down before calmly suggesting that you both head to your room. But you refused, knowing that once that door was closed, he’d get his way. But what you forgot was, bedroom or not, Mark never faltered when he had a plan.

You yelped as he grabbed onto your waist, pulling you closer so that your bodies were touching, his eyes never leaving yours but his gaze wasn’t amused like before, it was intimidating, causing your persona to die easily as your usual timid and submissive self returned.

“That isn’t the problem. I told you not to risk getting a lower grade by retaking the entire test. I also told you to take some days off to relax and not focus on work, and what did you do?” You stayed silent, wanting to avert your eyes but you knew that’d make things worse. All you could bring yourself to do was give a meek ‘I went’.

“And I even made a promise with you, correct?”

“Y-yes…”

“And, not long after that, you made a promise to me, right?” Your face was hot at the memory; Mark on top of you, pounding into you as he made you repeat ‘I promise to stay home for you’ until the pleasure consumed you.

“I did…” You admitted, swallowing hard and finally allowing yourself to look away, Mark no longer hiding his amusement. You were just too cute.

You groaned once you felt his hands touch your face, pinching your cheeks gently and bring your eyes to his. You hated how your plan backfired but you would be lying if you said you weren’t excited for what he had in mind, your thighs unconsciously closing together as the air around you thickened. Your eyes suddenly reflect his, clouded with lust and sparkling with a playful glint, your teeth sinking into your bottom lip to hide your smirk.

“But you wouldn’t go too hard on me, right? I am still pretty sore from yesterday.”

The positions were suddenly switched, Mark red faced at your suddenly bold behavior, your arms wrapping around his torso to pull him closer until your lips were just a centimeter apart and his semi-hard member pressed to your thigh. It was taking everything in him to not ditch his plan, to just fuck you there and now and call it a night, but he knew better than to give you what you wanted. It’d only make you power hungry and he knew you both fighting for dominance all night would get you nowhere.

“Fine, I’ll go easy on you. You have five seconds to get on the couch, on your back, legs open and underwear off.” He instructed, your smirk widening as your knee moved between his legs, trailing up to gently play with the faint bulge.

“But I’m not wearing underwear.”

“Five… Four…”

You wasted no time unwrapping yourself from his body, following his instructions and finding your spot on the sofa, head resting on the arm of it while your legs spread apart to reveal you already wet core, your eyes glancing to him impatiently as you waited for him to do something, anything.

“Touch yourself.”

You knew exactly how he wanted you to do it, the times you had phone sex being a great map of what he liked and didn’t like, and you knew he liked to touch every sensitive point of your body. Without second guessing, you lifted the shirt to reveal your braless chest, one hand cupping your right breast as the other trailed down your stomach to your heat, your bottom lip being sucked into your mouth at how cool your fingers were. Mark was enjoying every second of watching you work your fingers onto yourself, catching a bit of your juices on your fingertips only to lubricate your clit, rubbing in slow circular motions that made you moan out softly. If he could, he’d stay there and just watch, but the straining against his pants was driving him crazy and, even though he said he’d go easy on you, he wanted to see just how much you could endure before he really began his pleasure-filled torture.

You didn’t stop thrusting your fingers into yourself as Mark moved closer to you, your head turning to see his lower half just by your face. If you weren’t already turned on by the fact he was watching you so intensely, you were definitely turned on now by the way he easily undid his pants, pushing them and his boxers down to his thighs and releasing his cock right by your mouth, watching you hungrily take him in. Double penetration was something you always wanted to try, and although this wasn’t exactly how you pictured it, it was still enjoyable. You were content with the pace you were setting for yourself, moaning constantly against his shaft as he gently brushed your hair back more, still restraining himself from going any further just yet.

“Open your mouth wider for me. And I want you to only focus on your clit.” Mark said in his usual low and demanding tone, a small reminder that he was in charge the situation.

You followed his instructions, your cheeks no longer hollow as you opened your mouth as wide as possible and your fingers slipping out of you to rub harshly against your clit, a shiver shaking your entire body as you did so. Mark knew you didn’t need much to cum, just touching your clit for a few minutes and you’d done for, and he wanted to use that to his advantage.

You moaned out as Mark held onto your head tightly and began thrusting hard and fast into your mouth, his cock ramming at the back of your throat as your fingers continued to assault the bundle of nerves resting above your contracting entrance, his eyes hooded as you stared up to see him looking at your face, your chest heaving as you toyed with your nipples, legs crossing as you tried to press your thighs together for more pressure, the melodic moans seeping from you making him twitch within your mouth. If he weren’t so in control, he’d cum without a second thought, but you both knew he was toying with you, you were just unsure of how far his little game would go.

“Are you close?” He asked, despite your mouth being filled with your saliva and his precum that was now coating the base and length of his cock. You managed to nod before an almost wicked grin crossed his face.

“Good. I want you to hold it, but don’t stop touching yourself.”

Your eyes widened as you hesitated on continuing, your toes curling as you felt the pleasure already building up inside of you but you had never done this before, you weren’t even sure how to keep yourself from cumming. But you didn’t like the way he was smirking at you, positive that you couldn’t do it and just waiting for the familiar squeaks you let out whenever you reached your high. You wanted to prove him wrong. But the more your fingers rubbed the swollen button, the faster he fucked your throat, and the heavier your breathing got, your body screaming for your release as the same sensation you felt just the day before returned, your eyes watering at the thought of ruining your couch by squirting again. Right now, you need a miracle to stop this, to keep him from getting what he wanted.

You and Mark froze at the sound of the front door opening, your roommate, Hyeri, entering while shaming herself for forgetting her textbook on early childhood development, her face dropping into a stoic, but somehow still disappointed , look as she took in the scene before her. The silence was deafening and the air thick, especially when she noticed you and Mark had no intentions of parting from the awkward position. Without another word, she turned and left, knowing she should’ve just stayed out after you told her Mark would be over. But you let out a relieved breath through your nose, glad that you were slowly coming down from your high, much to Mark’s dismay.

“Did I tell you to stop touching yourself?” He asked sternly, finally stepping back and watching his member slip from your mouth, a thin line of saliva trailing from the head to your tongue, your eyes glaring up at him.

“I-I couldn’t keep going while she was here, that’d be so embarrassing!” You said, your neck hurting as your head followed him once more.

Mark made his way to your side and kneeled, not making eye contact as he grabbed your parted legs and turned you towards him, his head now between them. The orgasm that disappeared just a few seconds ago was now back and just as strong from the way his breath fanned against your exposed opening, a weak gasp sneaking past your lips as he sucked harshly against your inner thigh, nipping at your flesh before moving on to the next spot, a collection of purple and red bruises forming.

“I wanted to see if you could get yourself off first,” He spoke, his voice muffled as he continued sucking and easing his way closer to where you really needed him.

“But I guess it really has to be like yesterday.”

You couldn’t even question him before you cried out, his fingers plunging into your soaked core, body squirming as he fingered you at a fast and harsh pace, the feeling of his knuckles colliding with your skin making you clench around his fingers. Your eyes were teary, bottom lip ready to burst from the way your teeth sank into it as he finally placed his tongue on your clit, lapping at your pussy to draw your release closer, unaware that you were already on the edge until your hands clawed at his hair, the way you pant his name and grind yourself onto his digits to cause your fluids to make embarrassingly loud squelching sounds as you ride through your high.

Mark pulled away slowly but kept his fingers moving at the same rhythm, your eyes squeezing shut at how painful it was becoming. It was pleasurable, sure, but you felt like you were overheating, like you were about to piss yourself honestly. You couldn’t help but shut your legs together in an attempt to stop his hand, your voice too weak to warn him it was too much, but you didn’t want him to stop. Through the overstimulation, you felt the vague warmth bubbling inside of you, most of your senses being drowned in a metaphorical white noise as all your energy seeped into your core, allowing you to feel every harsh thrust he gave and even the pulsating of your walls as he finally found your g-spot.

Your eyes rolled back before you let them flutter shut, only to yelp at the sudden slap Mark gave to you thigh, your eyes shooting open to glare at him but your fucked out expression made it impossible.

“You’re enjoying this so much, aren’t you?” He asked, your lips curling upwards teasingly as you went to close your eyes once more, you both knowing you couldn’t answer and that it would only piss him off.

As if everything happened in one swift motion, you were staring into Mark’s eyes as his hand gripped your face, squeezing gently to force your mouth open as he snatched his fingers away from your needy heat before placing them into your mouth, a shocked gasp exiting you as he shoved them as far as they could go, pumping it in and out to leave the taste of yourself on your tongue, your body squirming and legs squeezing together as you retched a few times, Mark finally pulling away to allow you to catch your breath. Despite the fact you were suppressing the urge to vomit all over your lap and Mark’s still out and still very hard cock, you were even more turned on than you were before.

“You good?” He asked, your bottom lip covered in a bit of your saliva as you swallowed hard, nodding at him as he reached out for you once more.

Everything was moving so fast at this point but all you wanted to do was cum again, letting Mark have his way with you just like he did hours prior. You helped him remove his shirt from your body, his eyes taking in your nude form once more before grabbing your waist and rubbing gentle circles on your skin, your heart racing in anticipation even with the soothing gesture. And like a switch, his dominant side was back. He spun you around and placed a hand on you shoulder to help you lean forward, your hands gripping the back of your couch to stabilize as his other one adjusted your hips properly, your head threatening to turn to him as you felt the tip of his cock graze your entrance.

“Can you remind me of what you promised me last night?” Mark asked softly, teasingly letting his hands roam from your hips up to your breast, cupping them gently as he continued to tease your slit with his member, a shaky moan leaving your lips.

“I-I promised to stay home and not think about my test.”

“And did you keep that promise?” His voice was eerily closer to your ear as he pressed harder against you, soft kisses trailing over your shoulder and back as he waited on your response.

“No…” You cried out as his hand struck your left ass cheek in almost lightning speed, the other gripping your hair to keep you from resting your head against the tweed furniture. So much for going easy on you.

“And tell me why you didn’t keep that promise.”

He gave another harsh slap before you could respond, a pained whimper leaving you although it contrasted the way your hips pushed into his dick, hoping to ease him inside of you without having to use your hands. But your actions didn’t go unnoticed, earning you another spanking and a harsh tug on your hair until your back was arched intensely, neck craning as your head met his shoulder, his dark eyes glaring into yours.

“I said tell me.”

“I-It’s because I’m stupid and selfish and don’t listen!” You called out, hoping to appease him and give you some leeway to relax through his rough actions. But it didn’t.

As you cried out in a painfully relieved scream, Mark bit the inside of his cheek to keep from moaning, ramming his entire length into you in a swift motion, the warm skin of his hips meeting your ass as held you there, your hands clawing at your sofa as a tear finally escaped your eye, chest heaving as you’re filled with a clusterfuck of emotions. Were you hurting or happy he was finally in you? All you knew was the way he released your hair and let you fall forward alleviated you of the first sensation, the latter remaining.

“No, you didn’t keep it because you wanted me to fuck you like this.”

He wasn’t wrong. Even if you feared that he’d be rougher than usual, breaking past the limitations you both set in order to give his all, you weren’t against teasing him and getting him worked up just to be in this position, even if it meant pissing him off which was always a scary feat. You knew this wasn’t enough to make him extremely mad but, knowing a major pet peeve of his was being purposely ignored, you thought this would be a good preview of what you’d been missing.

So lost in your daydreams, you missed the words he said, nodding unconsciously after he asked if you understood, both of you still as silence overtook the room, Mark clicking his tongue in disapproval before grabbing your hair again, bringing you back to the same position as before, your tender scalp aching at the way he tugged on it, making sure your head was far back enough so you could see his face, your body shivering at the cold expression he gave.

“You really love pissing me off, don’t you? What did I tell you to do?”

“I-I… I d-don’t know…” You were honestly scared, not sure of what he planned to do, especially with his face showing no signs of if he’d be gentle with you. But the harsh thrust he gave you made your knees buckle, loud cries pouring from you as he kept going. Each thrust was sharp and hard, hitting a spot in you that hurt so bad yet felt so good, it almost felt as if he was barely pulling out of you before pushing back in completely, his eyes still boring into yours and face not faltering despite loving the way you wrapped around him, your eyes watering as he gave you no time to adjust to his momentum.

“Listen to me,” He started, his hips freezing in place the way they were before, pressing deep into your flesh until you felt every single inch of him.

“I told you to you were going to apologize for ignoring me until I let you cum, but that’s obviously asking for too much. So you’re going to make sure everyone on this floor knows you’re sorry and what you’re sorry for.” You gulped.

“W-what should I say?”

“You’re a smart girl, and you know what I like to hear, so I’m sure you’ll find the right words.” He leaned down to press a quick kiss to your lips before releasing your hair again, letting your body fall back into place.

The sweet gesture didn’t leave a lasting impression as he began to thrust into you once more, your body struggling to stay standing as you tried to ignore the brutal satisfaction you felt, your throat struggling to open up as you held back your moans, trying to form coherent words.

“I-I’m sorry f-for not listening to my boyfriend.” You finally spoke, Mark smirking at the sound of your weak voice, even allowing himself to groan for the first time that night, letting you hear just how good you made him feel even if your mind was clouded with the overwhelming sensation of your orgasm.

“Good girl, but I need you to be louder.” Your eyes screwed shut as you rested your head against the couch. All the adrenaline from before wore off, the realization you were about to reach your second orgasm of the day hitting you fast and hard, your mind going back to the fact that if you didn’t speak, you couldn’t cum, and you don’t think you could handle going to bed horny or being fucked into oblivion tonight.

“I’m sorry for not listening to my boyfriend!” You cried out, eyes burning as more tears seeped out. You were so close and it was excruciating.

Even with your core being so wet, allowing Mark to ram himself deeper and faster into you, the way your walls contracted around him made it feel as if he went in dry, a soreness forming within you that caused his arm to wrap around your waist to keep you standing. Mark could feel you getting closer and it was driving him crazy. Last night was great, you managing to handle five orgasm before calling it a night, but he loved the way you pulsated around him now after only two, as if your insides were massaging his member and urging him to release everything into you, and he was ready to, but he need you to get there first.

You sobbed as you felt his fingers toying with your clit, a loud hiccup bubbling from your throat as you whimpered his name, not sure if you can comply with his demands, ready to let the bubble inside your abdomen burst so you can collapse in blissful exhaustion.

“You’re doing so good, baby. Cum for me.” He spoke softly. No harsh demands, no slyness to his words, no conditions or exceptions. Just ragged breaths and loose moans as he buried his face in your shoulder, somehow thrusting faster into you to chase his own high, feeling your walls tighten around him but not relaxing as you mewled, throat hoarse from the cries you let out.

You felt every hair on your body stand as Mark helped you ride out your high, loud breaths leaving you as you relaxed onto the sofa. Mark held onto your waist tightly, pressing you further into his as his teeth sank into your skin, hiding the almost growl-like moan he let out, his hips stilling as he released into you, his cock jerking with each spurt of cum he emitted, both your bodies relaxing as he carefully removed himself from your core, staring down at the mess you both made. His dick was covered in the frothy, almost translucent, cum you both released, his own seeping down your thighs at a snail’s pace.

You didn’t bother opening your eyes as you felt yourself being lowered onto the couch, the sound of Mark fixing his pants echoing in your ears as your senses were slowly going back to normal. You could hear his faint words of praise though, his hands stroking through your hair and his lips pressing to your own, a soft chuckle leaving his mouth as you tried to reciprocate. He honestly felt bad for tiring you out so quickly, especially when he knew he was still holding back. But he didn’t dwell on it too much, listening to your breathing even out before heading down your halls to grab a washcloth and towel to clean you up.

-

The next day was the laziest you’ve ever been and you loved it. You wearing a faded hoodie and leggings, Mark in his boxers and another t-shirt of his you stole, curled up on the spacious sofa and watching a comedy movie neither of you heard of but liked the cover for.

Your laughter blended together loudly, drowning out the sound of the front door opening and closing. Hyeri almost went unnoticed until she kicked her shoes off, hanging up her jacket and bag without giving either of you so much as a glance. Your smile faded as you remembered what she walked into yesterday, not really sure where to start with that conversation. She was beginning to walk down the hallway when you called out to her, slowly standing as to not agitate the soreness between your legs, practically waddling towards her as she stopped, still not facing either of you.

“I’m sorry about what you saw yesterday. I didn’t mean for it to-“

“Look, I just need one week to erase it from my mind, and we’ll be good.” She said bluntly, continuing to her bedroom before disappearing completely, a pitiful moan leaving your lips before heading back to Mark who had paused the movie for you.

“I think she’s mad at me.” You admitted, curling back into his side before he enveloped you in his arms.

“Don’t worry, she never stays mad at you for long. Plus, she got a free show, so is it really that bad?”

“Mark.” You warned, his lips still in a smirk as you gave him a glare.

He pressed play and you both sat in silence as the film continued on, Mark laughing as usual while you were deep in thought, too upset over the fact Hyeri couldn’t even look at you and, even worse, she saw the inside of you. How was she ever going to recover from that? It was something small and predictable for college roommates to stumble onto but it still wasn’t fun to see.

Mark noticed your zoned out expression, sighing before leaning down to your ear, preparing to give you a reality check that you had repressed for the past year and a half.

“Just think of this as you getting equal for the time she hooked up with that guy in your bed after a party and he ended up puking everywhere.”

As he pulled away, he watched your once sad face turn into a disgusted frown, no longer feeling guilty for the acts she saw as you replayed that night in your head, throwing out so many books and clothes because some random drunk guy couldn’t make it to the bathroom in time. You sure as hell weren’t happy, but you were no longer stressing over the situation, which is exactly what Mark planned to make this entire day was about.

Just you, your boyfriend, your sore vagina, and no stress.

[neverthelessgreatness]

RICH SUMMER DIGEST || camp nanowrimo 2021 novel update

Hello hello hello!

Since we have now reached the end of camp nanowrimo, I think it’s time for me to share my thoughts about this book, where it’s going, etc!! (In brief, because I’m making a YouTube video about it, which I’ll update this post with the link to once it’s up)

Goal: 50k (check!)

New goal: 80k... (uhhhh ._.)

Sooooo! Here’s the deal: 50,000 words put me just before the climax of the book (well... not JUST before, but before it) and after I hit my 50k yesterday I outlined (aka, I wrote down two sentences about what I wanted to happen), and I realized that it is literally not feasible to finish my book at 65k

... especially because I’m on chapter 19 and I have successfully outlined through the pinnacle of the falling action and that’s chapter 42 LOL

I’m a little bit overwhelmed by the increased word count and like,, how much I have left of my book, but I’m determined to finish it! I have it laid out to do about 30k in a month, which sets up to be about 480 words a day.

I did this just because I have so many other projects I want to work on (especially since I hyper focused on RSD for a month, haha!!) such as my science fiction novel (series) The Elitists and a multitude of other projects which I can’t wait to pursue also!

I’m excited to kind of see where this draft takes me, though. I think I’m ready for a story longer than 50k, and although it’s daunting, I really want to push through and see this story in its full light!!

I hope everyone else had an awesome nano, or at least got some stuff done for it and feels a little bit of success!!!

[hamonsurveysoverdrive]

Subordinate

Who was the last person to make you smile?: My nephew. what were you doing 30 minutes ago?: Playing Animal Crossing, waiting for water to boil for dinner. who was the last person to tell you they love you?: Dad. what's your favourite song at the moment?: Black Boy Vibez by Klv$h do you listen to any of LMFAO's music?: What year is this?? would you kiss the last person you kissed again?: Absolutely. what's the last restaurant you ate at?: Uhhhh. Can't remember. Maybe Cafe Acapulco. are you craving anything?: Not really. do you like to read?: Yes. if so; what's the last book you read, or recommend a good book?: I'm currently reading Wicked. if you're still in school, do you like it?: Mostly. your last relationship, is it your fault it's over?: I mean, I'm the one who ended it. But it is not my fault. are you currently in a relationship?: Yes. how do you feel about that?^: Happy. when's the last time you had butterflies in your stomach?: Dunno. if you could hookup with any celebrity, who would it be?: Josh Hartnett. what kind of cell phone do you have, do you like it?: Stylo 6. Yes. don't you think it's ridiculous when 8-9-10 year olds have facebook?: Sure. what's your current hair color?: Brown. do you like it?^: Sure. do you love the last boy/girl you talked to?: I love my dad, yes. is the last person you kissed yours?: I don't own people, that's illegal. what is your current mood; what put you in it?: A little annoyed, my dad. are you excited for anything?: Not particularly. will you be going to a concert in the next 5 months?: LOL what's something you like and dislike about the day you're having:: It's mostly chill, but my oldest's attitude is about to set me off. do you think age matters in relationships?: Yes. anything stressing you out lately?: That's my secret, Cap. I'm always stressed. do you have a best friend?: I have three. do you think teenagers can ever actually be in love?: Sure, it's just a different kind of love. are there things that just can't be joked about with you?: Sure. were you happier this time last year, or now?: Now. will you be up before 8 am tomorrow?: Yepp. is anything bothering you?: Ish. will the next person you kiss and the last person you kiss be the same?: Yepp. are you comfortable with your height?: Yes. do you get jealous easily?: Sometimes. do you hate when people don't use proper grammar?: Sometimes. have you ever been lead on?: Yes. do you prefer candy or chocolate?: Depends on my mood. whatever one you chose, what's your favourite kind of it?^: Trolli gummy worms or Reese's. do you like tacos?: Yes. do you think anyone is thinking about you right now?: Dunno. are you thinking about anyone right now?: I mean, now that you've asked, yes. what colour is your bedroom?: It doesn't have a color theme. what's the last thing you ate?: A Hershey Kiss. are you hungry?: Little bit. does your family REALLY know you?: Some of them. anything you're looking forward to in the next three days?: Not especially. do you usually apologize first?: Sometimes. do you like taking pictures of yourself?: Sure. have you ever had a broken heart?: Yes. have you ever broken someone's heart?: Supposedly. do you get snow in the winter where you live?: Rarely. have you ever been to canada?: Nope. how much longer until your next birthday?: About 7 months. is your last name longer than 6 letters?: No. do you act your age?: Sometimes. do you look your age?: A little younger. do you have a large family?: Sure. where's your favourite place to go?: Big cities, movie theaters, museums.

[myjunguwus]

What We Are Now

Sequel to: What We Used To Be

Pairing: Cheating!Mark Tuan x Reader  Best Friend!Jackson Wang x Reader

Genre: Angst, Some Fluff (but mostly angst hehe)

Word Count: 3.4K (way longer than part 1 lol)

Summary: In which you discover your heart is with Mark, but his is not with you.

A/N: it’s been a long time coming for this. Sorry it took so long. Enjoy 😊

 ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

You now sat in your car across the street from the cafe. Anxious, scared, heartbroken and a million other things that words couldn’t possibly describe. You had been sitting here in the same spot for about 15 minutes or so, just trying to build up the nerve to even get out of the vehicle with no such luck.

With your hands on the wheel, you tighten your grip until your knuckles begin to pale, taking a shaky breath in an attempt to settle your nerves. You can feel the sweat building in your palms and your heart rate rising, now pounding in your ears. You haven't even said a word to him yet and you were already beginning to panic.

The engine was still running, and for a brief moment you were tempted to just drive off - leave without a trace and act as if you had never even bothered to show up. It's not like Jackson had noticed you yet. In fact, you were watching him through your window as he talked to a waitress, no doubt ordering half the menu as he waited patiently for you to arrive.

Just the sight of him had made your heart clench in your chest.

Why him? Why us? You thought to yourself.

You were terrified of how he'd take the news. It pained you deeply to see your friend hurt, but seeing him heartbroken would be twice as painful. You knew better than anyone how in love he was with your sister - how utterly infatuated. To tell him that the love of his life was sneaking around, and with his supposed best friend no less? It would destroy him.

You could almost picture the look on his face, desperate, hoping that what you were telling him was some cruel joke you took too far. His fists as they clenched, tense, while he waited for the punch line followed by your laughter and teasing smile. Then painful realization. You're not laughing and there is no punch line; only the bitter truth and your shoulder to cry on. The image caused your eyes to well up against your will, but you wipe your face before the salty tears could begin fall.

Taking a brief glance around, the street you were parked on was fairly busy. The side walks were a bit crowded on both sides, filled with consumers coming and going from the surrounding shops. Their arms filled with bags and boxes in various colors and sizes. You were more than sure that anyone passing had caught some, if not all, of your small breakdown, and with that in mind you decided to give yourself a few more minutes to get your bearings before finally getting out of your car.

Closing your eyes, you take one last deep breath as you lean back into your seat. The radio was on, filling in as background noise along with the shuffling of pedestrians and the humming of engines. A catchy pop tune sounded softly through the speakers and fell lightly on your ears. The entire song was the complete opposite of how you felt at the moment. You weren't happy and you damn sure weren't singing from the rooftops about how in love you were. You were heartbroken and immensely concerned Jackson was going to feel the same way quite soon.

Slowly, you reach up taking hold of the keys, turning off the engine. You make a sad attempt at stalling by taking your time to gather your things before venturing out of your car. After locking it, you turn and watch as cars continued to speed by, waiting for an opening between vehicles before crossing the street. As you reach the side walk, you face the coffee shop that was a few yards away.

The cafe had an outdoor seating area you and Jackson would enjoy when the weather was nice on days like this, so it was no surprise to find that he had saved you both a table outside.

He looked happy, laughing as he made conversation with the couple seated next to him. It was hard watching him smile since you knew you were the one that could easily wipe it away with just a few words.

Just one quick sentence and his entire relationship would shatter like broken glass. Just like yours did, but you yourself, knew that there wasn't a point in picking up the broken remains of what you and Mark used to be because in the reflections of those shards is what you are now...what you'll always be.

Drawing closer to the shop your thoughts wander and you began to reflect on your decision. Exactly what you didn't want to think about. You had all the confidence in the world last nigh as you had tossed and turned in bed, restless. Hell, even on the drive over you were so sure that this was the right choice. However, as soon as you reached the shop, the wall that you built between you and the overwhelming amount of self-doubt cracked under pressure.

What if he doesn't believe me? What if he does believe me, but hates me for telling him? What if he hates me because I took too long to tell him?

These and a multitude of other scenarios played on a loop in your mind now. All with bad endings, including, but not limited to: an angry Jackson and you crying your eyes out. You just couldn't see this meeting ending on a good note, but to be honest, this wasn't going to end well for either one of you. You had to tell him because what kind of friend would you be if you didn't tell him that his girlfriend, your sister, was cheating on him with your boyfriend, his best friend?

Stepping closer to the table, you try to put on a smile for Jackson when he sets his eyes on you, but it almost doesn't feel right on your face. He waves you over, his arms flailing about excitedly, his grin ever present, and despite yourself, you chuckle. Even on your worst days he knew how to make you laugh without trying, it was one of the many things that made him such a great friend. Another was how honest he was, he prided himself on that.

When you and Jackson first became friends you had noticed how truthful he was in your relationship. He confided in you for everything and in turn he influenced you to do the same without even realizing. Over the years, your bond grew and so did your trust in each other. Secrets are things you didn't and still don't keep from each other.

In telling him what you know now, you hope that you're doing your friendship justice. You hope you’re being a good friend.

Taking the seat in front of Jackson, you push your fears aside as best you could. I'm doing the right thing. I know I am.

“Helloooo, y/n!” He sang cheerfully as he leaned forward onto the table, placing his head in his hand.

You give a faint smile in return, “Hey Jackson.” You try your best to avoid his eyes, turn to hand your purse on your chair.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I went ahead and ordered for you when the waitress came by.” In the corner of you eye you can see him take a sip from his water. “You always get the same thing every time we come here anyway, so I figured why not.”

At this you face him, your worries forgotten momentarily at his accusation. “I do not always get the same thing! I try new things!”

Jackson laughs with a gentle shake of his head. “Yeah sure you do.” The sarcasm clear as day in his tone.

You scoff slightly, “I do! When we came here a few weeks ago I tried their Eggs Benedict.”

He rolls his eyes at this. “Okay I’ll give you that, but I distinctly remember you hating it and then immediately telling the waitress to bring out your usual. Cinnamon apple French toast with extra cinnamon butter, a side of sausage links and a glass of orange juice...,” he leans back in his seat looking smug, “...no pulp.”

You purse your lips, internally cursing the man for his good memory. It’s not your fault the French toast is so good, the stuff was like crack. “In my defense, the eggs were too salty, okay?”

He grins, “Of course they were, bub.”

On cue, the waitress returns with your glass of fresh orange juice, no pulp, just how you like it, before heading off to another table.

You both eye the cold glass before your eyes snap to each other. Jackson raises a brow and goes to speak, but you raise a hand cutting him off.

Fighting a smile you say, “Don’t even.”

“You don’t even know what I was gonna say!”

“Yeah, actually I do.” You start, picking up the straw your waitress has placed on the table. Unwrapping it and dropping it into your glass. “You were about to mock me and say something along the lines of, ‘Omg thank you for ordering for me Jackson! You’re the greatest friend ever and I don’t know how I could ever live without you.’” You finish, speaking in a higher voice as a way of imitating him mocking how you sound.

He pauses, looking everywhere but at you for a few seconds before speaking up. “I was not gonna say that...”

“Uhhhh Yeah you were!” You say letting out a genuine laugh.

“Fine, I was gonna say it,” he admits, “but it sounds so much better when it’s coming from you, and you’re welcome by the way” He finish with a cheeky smile.

You hadn’t meant to, but after only a few minutes of playful banter with your best friend, you had already forgotten what you had came here to tell him.

It was so easy to forget your troubles when you were with Jackson. He just had a way with people, whether it was voice and the way he spoke or maybe even the way he made you laugh so effortlessly. He just had this aura about him that made it so hard to not be happy and carefree when you were with him. It was times like this when you especially loved that about him, but it wouldn’t last. It was only the calm before the storm.

About 20 minutes had passed when your waitress had come by with your food. She sat your plates in front of you with ease, the sweet aroma of syrup and cinnamon wafted into your nose, your mouth instantly watering. She kindly told you both to enjoy before making her way back inside.

You look at Jackson’s plate of steaming pancakes that was placed in front of him. The butter placed on top was already beginning to melt and trail off the side, dripping next to his slices of bacon.

He was already beginning to dig in as you glanced back at your plate. Four slices of French toast were layed out and dressed with slices of cinnamon apples on top. Off to the side were two small ramekins of cinnamon butter, ready to be spread onto the hot toast. You had an extra plate with 4 small sausage links as well.

You quickly go to melt the butter onto your French toast as Jackson goes to pour syrup on his pancakes. You catch him as he glances up to look at you, and make a show of smelling your food, inhaling deeply and rolling your eyes back. You smile and gesture to your plate, “literal crack.”

He seems to ponder your statement, appearing deep in thought before responding. “That actually explains a lot of your behavior.”

You snort as you take a bite of your food. “Rude.”

He smiles, but it fades as he eyes you for a bit, his eyes scanning over your face. If he finds something that seems off, he doesn’t show it, but he places his fork down and waits for you to finish chewing before talking.

“Y/N....,” he starts slowly.

Sensing that the mood was about to take a dive, you readied yourself while sipping your orange juice, “Yeah?”

Jackson crosses his arms and leans onto the table, tilting his head slightly as he watches you. “What’s going on with you?”

Suddenly you remember why you’re here in the first place and you almost drop your glass. The force of the memories hits you like a punch in the gut, knocking the air out of you all at once. You play it off, however, not nearly as ready to discuss it as you once were.

“What do you mean?” You ask, sitting your drink down and picking up your fork to take another bite of your food.

“Do you really think I didn’t notice you in your car earlier?” You heart drops in your chest “Y/N I saw you as soon as you pulled up.”

His name falls off your tongue as nothing more than a whisper, “Jackson...”

“I didn’t say anything because I thought you’d tell me yourself, but we’ve been here for nearly an hour and you haven’t said a thing about it.”

The tremors in your hands were becoming too much, so you dropped your fork to clasp them in your lap. You were now looking at anything, but Jackson, knowing that if you looked at him the damm would break and the tears you had been holding back all day would finally fall and wouldn’t stop.

Last night you told yourself, when you set up this meeting with Jackson, that you’d tell him everything and hold nothing back. You never did think about how you were going to tell him though. What do you even say? How do you even lead into that?

“Hey,” Jackson calls softly. You look across the table to see his hand stretched out to you. Slowly you reach out and grasp it, his fingers now wrapping around yours. “You can tell me anything Y/N, you know that. I’ll be here for you no matter what it is. I always have been and I always will be. Please tell me what’s bothering you.”

Taking a deep, but shaky breath, you look up at Jackson to see him gazing back at you with concerned expression. His full attention was on you and it was clear that all he wanted was to help, but could he?

You open your mouth to speak, but it was as if the words that wanted to come out couldn’t, staying put in your throat and turning your mouth to cotton. You try to swallow, but it was just about impossible with how dry your mouth had become. Reaching over, you go to grab your glass of juice and almost knock it over in your nervous haste.

Catching it before it falls, Jackson hands it to you and you take it graciously, nearly choking as you down the rest of the glass. Sighing, you peek back over to see that his eyes still hadn’t strayed from you.

“I-I uh I...I don’t know where to start.” You begin.

He gives you a small, reassuring smile. “How about from the beginning?”

You nod hesitantly at this direction. You decide it best not to drag it out any longer and cut to the chase. “Mark is umm...he’s cheating on me.”

Jackson doesn’t look surprised, which shocks you, but his eyes seem to darken a shade and he visibly tenses. He clenches his jaw once...twice and then he speaks.

“And you know this for a fact, Y/N?”

You furrow your brows as you nod your head. “Yeah, he sneaks out to meet with her at least two times a week, but it would be three times after last night. Not to mention all the messages.” Your voice cracking slightly at the end.

Sensing your distress, Jackson’s grip on your hand tightens. “Jesus Y/N how long have you known about this? Why didn’t you say anything or at least tell me?”

You shake your head, looking down at the table. “I don’t know, I was in denial I guess. I just...,” you trail off as tears start to fall, “I don’t understand what I did wrong.”

“Y/N, look at me.” He reaches across the table with his free hand to lift your chin. As you look at him the tears fall a bit faster.

“I just don’t know what she has that I don’t.” You manage to say through your broken sobs. “Where was I lacking?”

Jackson frowns at the question and wipes away the wetness on your face. “Don’t compare yourself to her Y/N, okay? As your best friend, I refuse to have you questioning your worth. You are in no way lacking at all and it’s unfortunate that he has you asking yourself that. You are one the most incredible people I have ever met, and if Mark doesn’t realize how amazing you are and is missing out by running around with some other girl, than that’s his own damn fault. Not yours, understand?”

You nod softly as he moves his hand from your face, “Thank you, Jackson.”

Jackson’s words bring a slight smile to your face. He was right. It wasn’t your fault that Mark chose someone else over you. You gave your all in your relationship with him, while he only ever went halfway, never seeming to care enough give more than he took. It never started out that way of course, but unfortunately people don’t always change for the better.

You feel Jackson’s thumb rubbing circles into the back of your hand. A soothing motion, but as you watch him it seems as if he was one the one searching for comfort. His eyes seem dark, like they’ve lost their previous shine and now you can easily spot the bags under his eyes that weren’t there before. He looks tired, very tired.

His eyes snap to you suddenly. He goes to speak, but then shut his mouth just as soon as he opens it. It’s obvious he has something on his mind that’s bothering him, but clearly some sort of inner conflict is holding him back.

You squeeze his hand as a form of comfort. “Jackson, it’s alright. You can say it.”

He chews on his bottom lip briefly before asking, “Do...you know? Who she is?”

There it was. It was a question you were dreading having to answer since this conversation started. You knew the answer and you knew it would hurt him which is why you was scared to respond, but for whatever reason Jackson appeared to be equally as nervous as you. Did he maybe already know the answer to his own question? Did he suspect?

You nod your head slowly as an answer.

His next words are simply. “Who?”

You now have a hard time trying to speak at this point. Knowing it is one thing, but speaking it aloud just made it more real. You didn’t want any of this to be real. It was though and there was nothing that could be done to change that.

So you ripped the bandaid off.

“My sister, your girlfriend.” You said softly.

But maybe the bandaid didn’t really need ripping.

“I knew it.”

You stared at Jackson for some time, blankly and then in shock. He knew? He knew. He knew! Did he know the entire time? Why didn’t he tell you? Maybe the same reason’s it took you so long to tell him.

As if he could hear your train of thought, he explains. “I had a feeling, I mean I suspected but I just wasn’t sure. I didn’t want to go pointing fingers and bringing up Mark’s name and upsetting you, but now you go and tell me he’s cheating on you and...it just made sense. I just didn’t want to...”

“Believe it...?” I finish for him.

“Yeah.”

You reach out your other hand, so now both of yours were holding his. “I’m so sorry Jackson. You deserve so much better, especially after everything you’ve done for her. It’s my job as your best friend to be here for you. Whenever you need me, I’m there. Also, don’t even think about comparing yourself to Mark because I’ll tell you right now that you’re way better than him by far!” You state.

He gives a small laugh, “Thanks Y/N.”

You’re both quiet now, lost in your own thoughts and frozen in a moment of indicision. Around you, however, life go on. The cars are still driving by, the couple next to you is still enjoying their meal, shoppers are still store hopping, carrying loads of bags. You two though, are still stuck as to how to go on like the rest of the world.

Desperate to break the silence you offer a question. A simple one, but quite loaded in your case. “Well where do we go from here? What do we do?”

His eyes slowly move from the busy street to you, and the pain you find in them is striking, like a knife to the chest. “We do what we have to.”

You then lower your gaze back to your food that you no longer found appealing; the conversation having rid you of your appetite. You were poking at your plate when Jackson called you.

“Y/N.”

“Yeah?”

He was watching the street again as he answered. “Thank you.”

Confused at his statement, you press him. “For what?”

He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “For being a good friend.”

You’re not sure if he knew, but in that moment a single tear had fallen from his eyes.

[echodrops]

The Promises I Made (2019 Edition)

For the past thirteen years, I’ve spent every New Year’s Eve compiling a list of fifty promises I intend to keep or fulfill over the next twelve months. The results have been truly amazing, and I have kept some promises I never thought I could. 2019 was… a nightmare that I can barely believe I survived, but I still kept some promises that I honestly did not expect I ever could.

This year, for New Year’s, there will be a new set of promises for to me keep, but here are the old ones, for review!

The Promises I Made (2019 Edition)

1) Be more proactive about tracking and following up with struggling students to decrease the number of students who drop from my class when they realize they cannot pass. Status: Somewhat broken? I tried really hard to be proactive with my students; however, there were some massive issues outside the classroom this year that made it extremely difficult to keep the focus on the students. When administration drags your attention away from the class, there is not a lot you can do…

2) Find a place to put in volunteer hours because uhhhh like this is actually important to my work evaluation and I definitely need something to write in that section… Yikes, this spring is my last chance to do this!! @_@ Status: Kept. I volunteered with the Utah Shakespeare Festival and it was super fun!

3) Install the fire escape window in the Utah house, no matter how much it might cost, because I can’t get a totally unrelated tenant in that basement without said window… Status: Somewhat kept. Okay. This one is a LONG story, but to be fair to me, I worked my ASS off to try and make this happen; just every single thing in the world prevented me from completing this promise, up to and including the city telling me I needed a permit AFTER I had already dug a massive hole in the ground for the window…

4) Buy sod to add grass to the front portion of the lawn so that it no longer looks like garbage. Status: Broken, but I did buy grass seed and put that out there. Unfortunately only some of it sprouted, but there is indeed SOME grass now growing there…

5) Fix the bricks near the windowsills on the Utah house to prevent long-term damage. Status: Broken. After dealing with the stupid window disaster, I had no time for this at all.

6) Get a watering system for my roses at the Utah house because I think my bro is probably killing them and that’s just not cool. Status: Broken, see above.

7) Work on the patio at the Utah house before it just flat out falls down. Status: Somewhat broken. Again, I tried to make progress on this—I called a patio guy to come out and assess how much it would cost to fix the patio—but the price I was quoted was so high that there was nothing I could do at the time.

8) Paint the stairwell so that there’s no chance of anything like lead paint or asbestos being exposed. Status: Broken. The leftover wallpaper glue continues to confound me…

9) Trim the backyard bushes so the neighbors don’t hate us anymore… Status: Broken. We trimmed a few bushes and at least got to the trees out front, but definitely a majority were left uncared for.

10) Move into a new house in Texas where I can get real internet, please for the love of god… Status: Kept. I moved into a very nice house with no scorpions!

11) Save money for my upcoming trip to Japan! 2020 baby! Status: Uhhh, broken. I’m not sure how I thought I’d be able to move into a new house AND save money for an international trip at the same time…

12) Get my wisdom tooth removed because it’s still there and still killing me, yikessss. Status: Broken. AUGH. I’m an idiot.

13) Make an appointment with an eye doctor for like the first time in years. Good job, Yehn, good job. Status: Kept. I got my glasses fixed and even got a new pair of glasses too!

14) Get my prescriptions refilled because I’m dwindling on asthma medicine and like… I could die from this… I should never have been left to care for myself; I’m not mature enough for this responsibility… Status: Kept, surprisingly. But I still need a new doctor because the last one I was going to wouldn’t give me any refills…

15) FINISH THE GIVEAWAY PRIZES I PROMISED LAST YEAR because holy shit I am incompetent and the worst and everyone has permission to hate me for starting things and never finishing them, fuck. Status: Broken. So broken. I am the worst.

16) Go dolphin watching in the Gulf for real this time. Seriously, it’s $10 Yehn, you can do this. Status: Kept, amazingly. It wasn’t as impressed as hoped; however, there was a lovely sunset.

17) Return to the Channel Islands to take better pictures. D; Status: Broken. T_T

18) Level all my classes to 70 in FFXIV before next expansion, please. Status: Somewhat broken. I didn’t have everything to 70 before the expansion, but I kind of feel like I should get credit for this one, because HEY, look at me now:

19) Organize and properly label all the photos on my computer so that I’m no longer desperately combing through folder and folder in blank confusion, looking for a single picture in a sea of thousands… Status: Kept. It took me like eight hours of work, but I actually did this.

20) Update Home and a Half more than once? PLEASE??? The guilt I feel over this currently is crushing. Status: Broken. And the guilt grows…

21) Complete the online American Literature class I am designing on time and with no corrections needed. Status: Kept. I’m counting this as kept even though TECHNICALLY there was one thing I forgot to finish and it came back and bit me in the ass; however, I was approved with no corrections needed.

22) Earn 100% completion for Kingdom Hearts III. So excited! Status: Broken. Um… This just didn’t happen.

23) Update my calendar with important dates—holidays, birthdays, etc.—and be productive about sending cards and well-wishes. Status: Somewhat kept. I wasn’t any better about sending cards really, but I did at least save all the birthdays in my phone so I remember them.

24) Get the garbage disposal in the Texas house fixed ASAP so I don’t have to wash the dishes by hand anymore because I absolutely hate that particular chore. Status: Kept. Then I moved, so it didn’t even matter.

25) Finish all the books my coworkers and friends bought for me recently so I can thank them for their recommendations! Status: Broken. So broken.

26) Actually move into my new place instead of leaving it completely undecorated and lifeless. Status: Remarkably, kept. Nothing has plastic on it, unlike at my old house where the nightstand didn’t get unwrapped even after two years of living there lol.

27) Try hard to get Creative Writing into a different area of the general ed. core so that more people will enroll in it. Status: Kept. I’m counting this because I did my darn best, but we are still waiting on the state to tell us whether or not the class will be accepted.

28) Get caught up on my Ebird reports, even the old, old, old ones I never put in because I was slacking. Status: Kept, actually. Whoo.

29) Throw away/return/sort all the stacks of old mail in the house (OMGGGG they’ve made me look like paper hoarder and I’m nootttt). Status: Broken. There’s just… a lot of papers to go through…

30) Clean up the garage before moving so that I don’t have to fight spiders to move when the time comes. Status: Broken, in that I did not clean up the garage in advance and did, in fact, have to fight spiders when it came time to move.

31) Find a way to boost grading productivity so that each class takes only two days to grade, maximum. Status: Somewhat kept. I was definitely better this year than last year; however, I really think the “two days per class” thing was too optimistic, so for the future semester, I allotted myself three days per class and I think it will work better.

32) Go to a totally new restaurant and try their food. Status: Kept. We went to a Mexican restaurant and I had trompo tacos (al pastor) which is probably not anything special to anyone else but it was my first time so lol.

33) Cancel old credit cards to make sure my credit is good before trying to buy a house (although I just checked my credit score and I’m in the great range already, so this is mostly for posterity’s sake). Status: Broken. But it didn’t affect my loan, so I guess it was okay. And it ended up being good I didn’t cancel my Best Buy card because I was able to get good financing on the new appliances I needed for my house.

34) Get official contracts from my tenants so I can use my rental income in my next loan calculation. Status: Broken, but I ended up not using that as part of the loan calculation anyway >_> so…

35) Talk to an HR rep about my retirement savings so that I can consolidate all my retirement accounts into one. (Man, look at all these ADULTING promises.) Status: Broken. Look at me failing all these adulting promises.

36) Really finish decorating my office so it looks super cute and all my students want to visit me. Status: Broken, but I think it sucks that I have to write this because it was really not my fault I couldn’t finish decorating my office. Our offices were all moved and disrupted by building remodels so I spent the entire year basically working out of a couple cardboard boxes.

37) Not sign up for ANY more new responsibilities at work in the spring semester. This is the biggest challenge. D; Status: Kept, by technicality. I was able to avoid signing up for anything new in SPRING… But fall… was a whole other story. XD

38) Migrate all the rest of my books to the new Texas house instead of leaving them in Utah… SOMEHOW. Status: Kept. I’m going to count this as kept. The only books left at the Utah house are my manga—I managed to bring literally every other book, which is very impressive considering I had only my small Camaro with its tiny truck space.

39) Use my twitter account more often to make it worth following. I will try!! Status: Kept… sorta? I mean, since I didn’t use the account AT ALL before, making even one Twitter post kind of counts as using it more, right? >_>

40) Keep my hair cut nicely so I look less like a mess (than I really am). Status: Somewhat broken. Although I think I got my hair cut more often this year than before, I don’t think I looked any less like a mess. XD

41) Successfully find a bridesmaid dress for my friend’s wedding that matches the rest of the wedding party. Status: Actually kept! It was incredible. The wedding I was in was even featured in a magazine because of how pretty it was!

42) Make sure my skin is in good condition for the wedding so I don’t look like a disturbing ghost… Status: Kept? I mean, in the end, looking like a ghost ended up being the whole point since it was a Halloween themed wedding so I kind of won either way.

43) Complete my BNHA manga collection. Since my bro bought me a bunch of the volumes for Christmas, I might as well. Status: Broken… I bought like… one volume. XD

44) See a groove-billed ani. (It’s another type of bird.) Status: Broken. Very illusive bird. T_T

45) Respond to messages, asks, and comments more quickly. I promise I’m not ignoring people… D; Status: Um, broken. I left many people on read this year, sorry.

46) Lose ten pounds so that I feel more fit and comfy. Status: Broken. I didn’t exercise at all this year, uff.

47) Pay down credit card debt by at least 1/3. Yikesssss, I really need to do this quick. Status: Broken. It’s hard to pay down a credit card when you pour all your money into buying a new house…

48) I will finally fucking finish that chapter 73 analysis of Noragami… I swear to god… Status: Broken. Uh yeah. This didn’t happen. V_V

49) Reach 1700 followers on Tumblr. You should follow me—I’m only marginally a waste of time and space! Status: Kept. Over 2500 followers now!

50) I will keep these promises. LOLLLLL. Status: Somewhat kept/somewhat broken. One year I really will keep them all…

 Totals Kept promises: 18 Broken promises: 24 Somewhat kept/broken promises: 8

Well, there are more kept promises than last year at least… It was another really hard year, what with moving in the middle of the year, over-working, dealing with so much drama with the reaccreditation on our campus, and just EVERYTHING all at once this last year… I keep thinking things are going to calm down and then they never do. Please 2020… just let me rest…

My new set of promises will be up on the 1st!

[lightsandlostbells]

so, overall, what did you think of season 3 of stranger things?

It took me a while to answer this question because I had to sort out how I felt about this season! I guess if I had to narrow it down to an overall opinion: enjoyable, but very messy. Had some of the series’ best moments but also, while I was watching, I had far more grumbles and gripes than the previous two seasons.

I’ve never really been hung up on whether this show is derivative or plays too into nostalgia or w/e. Plenty of media does that. And despite all the time I’ve spent dissecting micro-expressions and weighty silences in European teen dramas that are filmed for the cost of a candy bar … I am way into genre films and TV shows. I love monsters and superheroes and spectacle! I watched Stranger Things the weekend it premiered because I love ‘80s movies about kids on bikes having adventures, I eat that shit up. So I don’t expect this show to be a hardcore deconstruction and re-imagining of those tropes (though that sounds like a pretty great show), I’m fine with it being what it is: a solid, spooky sci-fi/horror throwback series. What matters most is whether the story and characters work. Personally, I would say whatever criticisms you can make of S1 and S2, they had heart, and unfortunately I think some of that heart was missing from S3. Much of that, IMO, comes from sidelining some of the familial relationships that were at the center of the narrative in S1 and S2, like the Byers family and Hopper & Eleven, and to some degree the important friendships like the party, although there were other friendships introduced in this season so that wasn’t as glaring. It’s not a surprise that one of the best-received parts about this season, Steve and Robin’s friendship, is also responsible for one of the most heartfelt scenes Stranger Things has ever done. 

There was also a way larger emphasis on comedy in S3. Comedy is probably my favorite genre, and I did laugh at a lot of humorous moments in this season. But I also felt like there was more comedy for comedy’s sake, like long sequences created intentionally to make the audience laugh. Whereas in S1 and S2, I can’t remember any scenes like that? The comedy was more understated and came from character personalities and relationship moments rather than joke set pieces. That’s perhaps another reason why S3 felt like it had less heart.

My hope for season 4 - and I am assuming there is a season 4, because apparently this show did mega ratings for S3 - is that they don’t add more major new characters (except love interests for the gay characters, go ahead with those, lol) and instead focus on the existing cast,  which is already a very strong ensemble, yet many of the characters have gotten pushed to the sides. I would love if they added to the episode count: a lot of Netflix series drag out their seasons, like they have enough story for 10 episodes but have to stretch it out to 13, but Stranger Things has the opposite problem. I feel like if they had 10 (or 11, ha) episodes they could have more time for breather moments and more space for character arcs. This season was really fast-paced in my opinion, and although that’s a positive in many respects, I missed a lot of the down time.

Also, I think every season has taken place over like a week maximum, not including the epilogues, and like … you can make the story last longer than a week! Not everything has to go to hell in like a day or two.

Some more specific opinions underneath, obviously lots of spoilers.

First of all, I gotta say, I feel like a weirdo, because so many of the reviews for this season are like A RETURN TO FORM AFTER A DISAPPOINTING SECOND SEASON and UP THERE WITH SEASON 1 NOT THAT CRAPPY SEASON 2 THAT NO ONE LIKED and uhhhh … I liked season 2 just fine? It’s probably my favorite. There are things I don’t like about it, but the stuff I love is stuff I really, really love. Hopper and Eleven’s relationship, for instance. Steve and Dustin teaming up and Steve Harrington becoming a guardian to four children. Those are not just great elements to the series, but directions that I think only a second season could have taken - Hopper and Eleven’s bond wouldn’t have had half the weight if they weren’t established as traumatized, broken people in S1. Steve Harrington becoming a babysitter would not be nearly so delightful if we had not known him as the popular douchebag stereotype from S1 - if he were just a cool dude hanging out with kids from the get-go, the impact wouldn’t be as great. After S1 used Will Byers as a MacGuffin in S1, S2 gave Will a much larger role and that little actor acted his ass off. His performance generated a lot of genuine suspense and chills. There was Sean Astin being lovable! Paul Reiser’s character being a surprisingly good guy! Yeah, there are big flaws in the season, and you can argue it’s too much of a repeat of S1, but to me it was a version of S1 that made the characters more specific and interesting. I’m just … genuinely baffled by how it’s supposed to be demonstrably worse than the others. Because of the Kali episode? I didn’t think that one was terrible, either. I think it broke up the momentum of the chaos at Hawkins Lab, and Kali’s friends were obnoxious, it’s certainly not the greatest writing of the series, but as a whole the episode is like. Fine. It’s fine. It’s mediocre, not atrocious. It’s not the worst thing ever. It doesn’t ruin anything about the story or direction or the series. Most importantly it’s easy to ignore or skip on a rewatch if you don’t like it. The backlash was way overblown.

My biggest disappointment with season 3 was Hopper. Whaaaaaaat. Whaaaat did they dooooo. 

Hopper in previous seasons is a flawed, messed-up human being, but I always knew where he was coming from. When he yelled at Eleven in S2, I still got why he did it. In this season he felt cartoonish. The overprotective paternalistic dad trope is annoying BUT I might have been less bothered had they connected it more to Eleven’s lack of experience with the world, less RAWRRRR KEEP BOYS AWAY FROM MY GIRL. Or if Hopper had not demonstrated like, actual rage toward Mike and we just saw him fuming about it to himself or venting to Joyce, if he was trying to keep that shit under control. (I did laugh at him singing “You Don’t Mess Around With Jim” in the car, I gotta admit.)

But his attitude toward Joyce was what really bummed me out. I’m not into this show for shipping reasons, but I low-key enjoyed the possibility of Joyce and Hopper hooking up based on previous seasons. This season felt like they were writing a completely different dynamic for them, one that was much more aggressively obnoxious. I think their intentions were clear - they were going for a Sam-and-Diane relationship, something that was referenced early on in the Bob flashback - but the problem is that their relationship was not like that at all in S1 and S2. When I think of Joyce and Hopper from those seasons, I think about him supporting her after Bob died, or listening to her concerns about her son, or working together to find Will. They didn’t have this combative dynamic! Frankly watching giant-ass Hopper yell at tiny Joyce was viscerally unpleasant. (Side note but in the first trailer there was a shot of Hopper running at the Fun Fair with someone else who I assumed was Eleven, but no, turned out to be Joyce, Winona Ryder is just that tiny next to David Harbour.)

Also, considering this season ended with his death (and we all know he’s not really dead but OK) it’s such a waste that there were few Hopper&Eleven moments! Only the finale brought some quality content on that front. But otherwise their relationship was out of sight, out of mind for almost the whole season, which wasn’t a great choice, both to maximize the emotional impact of the ending, and to expand upon their situation post-S2. I mean, it’s been months since then, how has their relationship changed now? Hopper’s letter talked about the stuff he enjoyed doing with his daughter - why didn’t we see any of that on screen this season? It could’ve helped with the Mike angle, too, like show Hopper and Eleven watching TV together and laughing and having a good time, and then the phone rings and it’s Mike and suddenly Hopper’s watching TV alone as Eleven’s now focused on her boyfriend, we see his disappointment, etc. 

Scoops Troop - Now they were a delight. They had such a ludicrous story but for the most part it worked due to the characters playing off each other and because the writing/acting/directing embraced the silliness. 

Steve Harrington is easily one of the best characters on this show. I fucking love that guy. He’s consistently entertaining, he’s had possibly the best character growth out of anyone in the series, he’s evolved from a stock ‘80s asshole stereotype into someone who’s funny and sympathetic and likable. He’s this amazing blend of the ridiculous with the heroic. Steve and Dustin were great together, as they were last season, and I’m cackling that Steve acquired YET ANOTHER CHILD under his supervision without even trying. But the MVP of the season was the Steve & Robin friendship. Holy shit do I love that relationship. Holy SHIT.

Robin herself is a terrific new character, smart and funny and once you know she’s half-Uma, you can’t unsee it. I was loving her already and then the bathroom scene happened and I YELLED. I was so utterly overjoyed. If they had made Steve and Robin hook up, honestly … I would’ve been fine with it, like this show doesn’t need more heterosexual romance but at least they had a fun dynamic, but man, the friendship angle was so so superior. It’s a type of relationship that media is lacking, and the specific circumstances of this friendship made it genuinely moving to me. I keep wanting to write like a meta post devoted to just this relationship because I just have so many emotions about it! But they play well off each other as a comedic duo and as an odd couple friendship, and they’re really what each other needs, IMO. Steve needed this close friendship more than he needed a girlfriend; in this season he’s clearly adrift and we’ve seen the kind of shitty friends he had in like season one, is Dustin the best pal he had at this point? And I love Steve & Dustin but Steve needed a good friend his own age. Robin is a lesbian in small-town Indiana in the ‘80s, and she was clearly full of fear that Steve would hate her if he knew, and for him to accept her so easily, not even making a big deal about it? That’s kind of life-saving, really. I can’t wait to see more of them, if Netflix wants to make the half-hour Clerks-esque spinoff about them working in a video store and shooting the shit, I would be 100% down for that.

I have some mixed feelings about Erica because I think she could have benefited from getting the same humanization as the other kids (and I’m going to leave the discussion of racial tropes gently by the side at the moment but … yeah). The other child characters are played more like actual people with vulnerabilities, which has been part of the show’s appeal since the first season, and Erica was more like the sitcom kid who always has a snarky quip ready; however, she did make me laugh and I like that they tapped into her being a nerd, I wish they’d explore that in future seasons with the character. “I’m ten, you bald bastard” was one of my favorite lines of the season, I lost my goddamn mind. 

Billy - Lmao, so Billy in S2 was the woooorst. This dude had ZERO redeeming qualities. His abusive dad creates a smidgen of sympathy, I guess, but Billy goes so far beyond normal teenage assholery that it didn’t make a dent in my opinion of him. You can redeem someone like Steve Harrington, first of all because Steve actually feels regret and works to correct his mistakes, but Steve also didn’t go to a point of no return in the first place. Billy did, for me. Physically and verbally abusing his younger sister? Attacking a black middle-schooler for the crime of being in the same room as his white sister? What a piece of shit.

With that in mind - I have no problem focusing on him as a villain this season, I really don’t. It justifies his inclusion in S2 other than as a human antagonist who’s ultimately not really connected to the main plot, as it retrospectively establishes him as an even greater threat in this season. I also think the actor did a good job with the material he was given. However, ultimately this dude’s arc was underwhelming. The thing is … I can tell they were trying to show Billy struggling with the Mind Flayer, but Billy is so lacking in any positive qualities that it’s kind of like, where does that struggle even come from? Yeah, even the worst people aren’t going to be wild about having a monster from another dimension hijack your body and use it to collect people for spare parts, but this is the same dude who was about to run over Mike, Lucas, and Dustin on their bikes last season for absolutely no reason. He beat Steve to point of unconsciousness and could’ve put him in the hospital. He assaulted Lucas. So I really need some evidence of Billy’s moral compass because it is not inherent and there’s in fact plenty of evidence that it doesn’t exist. I’m not very enthusiastic about redeeming a racist, abusive creep, but I also think if you’re going to go for him helping Eleven at the end … you have to show some current potential for goodness, not just “used to be a nice kid.”

A really glaring omission: the lack of any family/home scenes with him, Max, and their parents this season. We left off last season with Max telling him to leave her and her friends alone. How is their relationship since then? Is there still a lot of friction? Is there a tense peace? Has their relationship improved in any way? We really needed to see that follow-up. I get that Max crying over Billy this season makes sense in that he’s still her family and we can still have love for those who hurt us … but I also feel that we needed something between them to justify her pain, like even just the potential of their relationship being a fraction better, or the suggestion that Billy used to be OK to Max before he went full asshole. And I think we really needed to see Billy’s dad being currently abusive in this season - tbh, missed opportunity that the dad didn’t get flayed like, out of revenge (which would have been both satisfying and horrifying), missed opportunities for suspense when we think Billy might serve up Max and her mom to the Mind Flayer, etc.

Another missed opportunity: drawing parallels between Billy and Will. Both are possessed by the Mind Flayer. Both had shitty dads calling them homophobic slurs. Both could be read as gay (I’m not hungry to claim Billy as LGBT representation or invested in this interpretation but his scenes with Steve in S2 admittedly have that sweaty homoerotic dick-measuring vibe, if you want to take it there). Their names are both William, FFS. The difference is that Will is a sweet and gentle kid surrounded by loving family and friends who fought to save him, and Billy is a violent, cruel dude who probably doesn’t have any real friends, just shallow connections. You could show how the Mind Flayer could more easily possess and manipulate someone like Billy, but that wasn’t really explored.

Also, is anyone going to dwell on the fact that like … Max is living with an abusive man as her stepfather? He’s shown hurting Billy’s mom. Does that not concern anyone that he is very likely to attack either Max or her mom? 

Oh, and thank God they didn’t take the Billy/Karen thing all the way. In retrospect, even weirder considering Billy’s mommy issues. 

Joyce - I get that it’s a big leap downward in emotional investment to go from “must save my son” to “fucking magnets, how do they work” but I liked that she had her own investigation that wasn’t full of emotional turmoil. Winona forever. 

Mike - Everyone is ragging on him but I think he was less terrible than people are making him out to be. He was bratty in a teenage way, but he wasn’t the worst kid ever. I didn’t take his now notorious line to Will (“It’s not my fault you don’t like girls”) as something intentionally cruel or homophobic, just something that came out wrong and that he instantly regretted, and he and Lucas did seem genuinely apologetic over the D&D game and went over to Will’s in the rain out of concern. And the reason he lied to Eleven was because SCARY ASS HOPPER threatened him??? Also, his concern over Eleven overexerting herself was not misplaced, lmao! It really took that long for anyone to go, “Hey, should we be worried about the amount of blood coming out of her nose? Should we be concerned about the effects on her brain?” Sure, Eleven has the final say in whether or not she uses her powers, but tbh… she didn’t have a normal upbringing and her view of her powers is probably skewed. Like, would Eleven have enough basic medical knowledge to be worried about brain damage or nosebleeds, or would that just be the norm to her? Is she making these decisions with a full grasp of the potential consequences? Anyway, I don’t have a more negative opinion of Mike after this season. 

Eleven - I loved Eleven a lot in this season. I don’t know if it did a ton for her character arc, but it’s nice to see her slowly develop into more of a normal girl. And the season was rough for her in terms of getting her ass kicked, she goes through so much mental and physical pain! In the end she loses her dad and her powers!

Of course one of the bright spots was her and Max becoming friends! Not gonna lie, there was something a little … simplistic about some of that depiction of friendship for me - just that so much of it was SHOPPING and GIGGLING and BOY TALK, girls being GIRLS, when Max has been portrayed as a tomboy and Eleven is a telekinetic kid raised in a lab, that maybe their interactions shouldn’t have fit the mold quite so much - but it doesn’t truly bother me because they were so sweet and fun. I loved them tracking down Billy together and I appreciate that their friendship carried throughout the season, that Max was the person shown carrying an injured Eleven along with Mike, Eleven comforted Max after Billy died, etc. That was a definite sore spot of S2, the girl-on-girl jealousy and Eleven flat-out rejecting Max’s friendly introduction, and I do think they took that feedback into account for the better here. I also like that Eleven was clearly taking cues from Max, the more “worldly” of the two about boys and clothes and teenage attitudes in general - it gave their friendship a more specific shape.

I cannot WAIT to see her living with the Byers family next season. Like if they don’t spend significant time on that dynamic, it will be the biggest disappointment. There could be 8 episodes of just boring mundane Byers domestic scenes and I would love it, please inject it into my eyeballs, Duffer bros. I want to see her bonding with all of them, trying to fit in at school, attempting the most normal life she’s ever had. Also lmao, she and Will can finally have a goddamn conversation??? I hope they’ve been withholding that relationship because they were planning to go all out with those new sibling vibes in S4. They are the two characters who have been most traumatized by the Upside Down, we deserve to see them connect.

On that note, I have a lot of thoughts about Will in this season! Mainly - underused as FUCK. After all that trauma of being possessed by the Mind Flayer last season, they barely utilize this connection in the second half of S3. Even his Spidey sense hardly came in handy??? Now that was really weird, IMO, because the least they could do was have that feeling alert the others or be useful, but lmao it was practically pointless. 

It’s weird because I’m not sure if they just don’t know what to do with Will if he’s not being a victim (which is stupid because there’s plenty you could do with him), but at the same time, he has one of the most poignant subplots of the season. From the reactions I’ve seen, Will feeling rejected and left out as his friends move on really resonated with a lot of viewers. But then this thread is abandoned after episode 3, for the most part. Will cries and destroys the place that represents his childhood, a place that was created specifically in response to trauma (mentioned in S2 that he and Jonathan built it after their dad left), this is very rich emotional territory … and then the show’s just like ehhhhhh moving on. He’s just hanging out in the background and touching his neck for the rest of the season. 

And now I gotta talk about that other thing with Will.

I am so confused by what the Duffer brothers are trying to accomplish with Will’s sexuality, because on the one hand it seems like they have a really clear idea about it and on the other hand they’re just like¯\_(ツ)_/¯  The thing is … it seems very obvious they have always thought of Will as gay. This is blatant from the original pitch from the show as well as one of the S2 scripts (the only one that’s available publicly, so who knows what else they’ve written). I accept that people have different interpretations, but The Line this season is far from the only textual support for Will being gay, and I think it makes for a much, much stronger narrative if you read Will as gay in addition to not wanting to grow up as fast as his friends and being stunted from trauma - that is an entire meta post in itself, though. 

What gets me about the ~ambiguity is that the Duffer brothers planted the gay hints in the first place! They are absolutely not there by accident! Like I’m not speaking for the teenage actors but lmao, the adults involved in the writing and directing of this series absolutely fucking knew how that “not my fault you don’t like girls” scene would be interpreted, especially considering fans were debating Will’s sexuality from the beginning, based off the many homophobic comments leveled at him in S1. There have been TV shows where fans latched onto gay “subtext” that was likely unintentional, but this isn’t one of them. 

IDK, man, it’d just be nice to have some confidence in where this is going. I loved Robin and the bathroom scene made me think that yeah, they might do a decent job with Will’s sexuality, something I might have doubted before. Under no circumstances do I expect a Skam S3-style coming out arc for Will, but I’m also uncertain if I should expect anything from the show on this front at all or if they’ll play it coy to the bitter end. Though I guess I’d still take the ambiguity over giving him a female love interest after everything. Lol, that would be a giant oh-fuck-no.

Real talk, though, let’s discuss what an utter waste it would be to not write a scene where Joyce tenderly accepts her son when he comes out to her. You really aren’t going to bring that instantly iconic moment to life, assholes? You’re not going to provide that for Winona Ryder’s and Noah Schnapp’s Emmy reels? MAKE IT HAPPEN, BASTARDS.

Nancy and Jonathan have a reputation for the most boring plots but they’re fine, w/e. I’m not deeply invested in their romance but I don’t want to fast forward their scenes or anything. Nancy is an underrated character; she’s extremely proactive and always has been, and I enjoy watching her shoot things. I think the best thing they could do for both characters, though, is to separate them next season, not just physically but storyline-wise. Jonathan would be best in a subplot involving his family, because he’s at his most likable as a son and brother, and Nancy should either go off with Mike (a sibling relationship that is VASTLY undeveloped), or she should team up with Robin. I mean it, Nancy and Robin would be a power pairing, let me show you my manifesto. Both are smart young women who are good at solving mysteries. Would Robin think Nancy is a priss after Nancy unloads several rounds into the latest demogorgon chasing them? Would Nancy find Robin a refreshing alternative to the crushing suburban conformity that she claims to want to avoid? Oh, the possibilities. Meanwhile, Steve tags along in the background, all like OH SHIT, my lesbian BFF and my ex-girlfriend are in cahoots! 

Lucas and Max were playing relationship counselors to Mike and Eleven through much of the season. Max still had a fair amount to do, but Lucas needs a meatier subplot next time. I feel like they’re not sure what to do with him? I would like to see him and Erica interact more since their dynamic so far is one-note. 

There is one hell of a conversation to be had about the Evil Russians of this season, but I’m really not the person to do it. 

Also about the depiction of capitalism this season. That’s more thinkpiece-y than I am equipped to do right now. 

The product placement is something that should bother me more but I’m just like … shrug. Except that New Coke bit because that was an actual mood-breaker. 

Could have done without Russian Terminator guy. That was a blatant ‘80s homage so I get why he was there, he just wasn’t all that interesting. And was that guy supposed to be superpowered or something? Was he getting jacked on Upside Down steroids???  What was his deal???

Alexei/Murray was the true OTP of the season, let’s be real.

The trend of lovable, doomed minor characters continued with Alexei. Props to that actor for making you root for the guy. He even made me kind of love Murray? I was very WTF over that guy encouraging two teenagers to fuck in S2, and I’m still not into his habit of telling people to bang even when they’re adults, but I guess he just needed a sympathetic Russian buddy to win me over. 

There were a ton of moments where I felt like the characters made stupid choices as opposed to earlier seasons. Will getting dragged into the Upside Down in the first 10 minutes of the series is an impressive example of a horror movie character doing everything right and making good decisions - a 12-year-old, no less. And he was still overpowered by the demogorgon so it’s not like making good decisions will always save you! Whereas this season I was like LORD some of these characters are drinking dumbass juice. 

There was also so much silly stuff happening, like things that are even more far-fetched than previous seasons, but I just kind of went with it. Yeah, of course there’s a secret Russian base under a shopping mall. Sure.

This season is objectively disgusting in terms of gore and yet I was fine with it? And I’m someone who was repulsed by Barb’s corpse in S1. The Mind Flayer being made of people was some nasty shit but effective horror. I felt bad for the poor little rats :( Oh, and the flayed humans, too. Some of them. Was sad to see Mrs. Driscoll bite it but FUCK those cartoon misogynists from the newspaper. 

Visually beautiful! Starcourt Mall is an amazing set and I’m rather sad that the mall was destroyed, although that was basically a foregone conclusion. Some great cinematography, too. On a purely aesthetic level I had a great time just blasting this season into my retinas.

I have had the motherfucking NeverEnding Story theme song in my head for almost two weeks and I’m suffering.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #299

“you look so beautiful tonight  /  reminds me how you laid us down and gently smiled before you destroyed my life.”

Ever done any drugs? Besides alcohol, no. How many people have you kissed? Three or four. What’s your favorite show to binge? I could only ever willingly *binge* Meerkat Manor and not get bored after like, two episodes. Do you watch porn? No, it's never appealed to me. What’s one of your fantasies? Being financially stable. :^) Do you have/would you get your nipples pierced? I've lightly considered getting one, but I really doubt I ever will. What’s the most overrated movie? /shrug. Let people like what they like. Tag someone you want to talk to but have been too shy to message. I'd love to get to know my Facebook acquaintance Courtlynn better; I've wanted to for a long time. I think we could be fantastic friends. We'll like each other's stuff regularly and occasionally leave comments, but we don't really talk. Do you like paper books or ebooks better? Paper ones, by a long shot. I just really like the feeling of a book and being able to clearly see how far in you are. I enjoy the smell and sound of turning pages. If you could live in a fictional world, what world would you pick? Probably Wonderland, realistically. I would say Azeroth, but too much world-threatening shit goes on every day lol. If money was no object, what would your wardrobe be like? G O T H Do you still have feelings for any of your exes? Yep. Do you drink? Very, very rarely. Almost exclusively during celebrations or on the once in a blue moon occasion we go to a sit-down restaurant. Do you read erotica? No. It would make me super uncomfortable. What color was the last candle you lit? I don't remember at all. Do you own a treadmill? No, but I want one. Have you ever signed up for a gym membership? Well, not exactly me. Mom and Nicole both had memberships to Planet Fitness, and I was able to come as a guest. It was just cheaper that way. What color was the last fish you had? That I owned or ate? Either way, idr. Is there a garbage can in your room? What color is it? No. If you play The Sims, do you download custom clothes, hair, etc? I don't play it. Does your animal sleep with you? Roman does, yes. He legitimately spoons with me lmao. Sometimes he'll move to the bottom of the bed, other times he'll sleep through most of the night there. Have you ever had to wear a hairnet? Yes. What is your favorite song to play on Guitar Hero or Rock Band? "Hotel California" by The Eagles on expert is so much fun and just feels good. The ending solo is just great. When you drink chocolate milk do you just buy the jug of it or the syrup that you can put into the milk? Almost always just the chocolate syrup. Do you own a robe? What color is it? No. What’s the worst abuse you have done to your phone? I know I've thrown it across the room once. Well, not my current phone, but a really old one. How did you meet your first love? High school. Well, you could maybe say Facebook. He sent me a friend request and I literally only accepted it because I thought it was another Jason. We talked via messenger some and then we ran into each other at school, and tbh I kinda knew I was fucked from there lmao. Have you ever worn the opposite sex’s underwear? I don't believe so, no. Have you ever kissed in a pool? Yeah. Are there any hobbies you have that you don’t perform in front of others? I absolutely cannot write in front of others, and I HATE drawing when people are watching. What do you do when you simply don’t know what to do? Odds are I'll probably be scraping the bottom of the barrel to find something in WoW that sounds even remotely fun, or I'll browse Facebook. How did you find out about your current favorite band? He's one of my mom's favorite singers/bands, so I grew up with some of his music, and when I was getting into rock and metal, I decided to go through her music case and listen to some of it. Ozzy's Black Rain album set the adoration into motion. Where are you most likely to go when you need clothing? The Internet or Wal-Mart, depending on what kind of clothes I need. When was the last time you tried to do something yet failed? I should have an answer for this very quickly... yet I'm unsure. I don't think anything *major* has happened in a while. Oh, this is a tiny thing, but I did look really hard for the pencil sharpener so my niece could finish coloring her drawing, but I couldn't find the damn thing for anything. Do you think your life is comprised more of success or failure? Lots and lots of failure. What’s one personality trait that’s not strong in you? Uhhh outgoing, ig. Are you a difficult individual to get to know? Considering I hide a lot about myself to try and be accepted, yes. When was the last time you opened up to someone and about what? Literally yesterday to my mom about this unreasonably massive fear I've had lately that she doesn't have much longer in her. I'm terrified she's going to get COVID or her cancer just comes back faster than we hope. To whom do you feel the most important? My mom. Is there something you want but might not ever have? Many things. What’s something you’re working to obtain? Mental stability. Do you tend to enjoy your dreams? No, considering they're usually violent and rarely just psychotic nightmares. Are there any projects or goals you’ve recently abandoned? Hm. What in life serves to keep you going? The hope it'll get better, and I'll reach a point of actually being happy and content with my life. What was the last good news you received? Nicole's trip to Maryland to bring back a baby was successful (if that sounds weird, she's a child social worker). He has a heart condition where if his heartbeat or something like that was irregular, she'd have driven all the way up there for nothing; the baby wouldn't have been able to take the ride. Are you more inclined to appreciate sweet or savory foods? Sweet. Are romantic relationships important to you at this point in your life? I mean I'd like to be in one, but I highly doubt it'd be successful, just given where I am in life. I'd be signing up for heartbreak. Who was the last person to apologize to you for something they did? I don't know. Probably Mom for something minor, like just bumping into me or something. Are you wearing a necklace, and if so, who got it for you? No. What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve done lately? Lately? Uh. I don't know, but I can guarantee to you it wasn't long ago at all, considering breathing embarrasses me, pretty much. Do you ‘think out loud’? Sometimes. Do you take gummy vitamins? No. How do you know the majority of the people you know? Former schools. Hell, or maybe various online locations. I just might have more online friends and acquaintances than in-person. Is there a random object you own that has a huge personal significance? I've talked about my pebble from my partial hospitalization program enough. Can you play electric guitar? I used to be able to play a little bit; I took guitar lessons for a short while in high school. Best I could do was the intro to "Crazy Train," but I'd still occasionally mess up. Are you one of those people who chew two pieces of gum, not one? Usually. Do you believe in ghosts/supernatural occurrences? Yes. Without the aid of mascara, do you have long eyelashes? Yeah. Is there a kind of music you listen to that helps you release your anger? Yes, usually songs that are also angry. How does it make you feel looking at pics with your ex and someone else? The only case this has ever happened was with Jason and his gf after me. There are no words to describe the fucking hatred I felt. I haven't seen pictures of him with an s/o in a long time, and I absolutely never plan on seeking them out ever again. What song are you listening to right now? "Rest In Pieces" by Saliva. If you’re not in college, why? I couldn't handle the stress anymore. Just couldn't. Do you own a studded belt from Hot Topic? I have a good number of old ones from high school, actually. I wore them all the time. I could never fit into them now. Favorite fictional character? Um, Darkiplier, duh. Most recent thing you are looking forward to? I think it's finally set in stone that I'm getting my tattoo redone soon. Thanks to my laptop saying "ha fuck you," it's not as soon as I originally planned since I had to pay to fix it, but Mom seems fine with helping me pay for my birthday. Not a guarantee that it'll happen on that date of course, given scheduling, but yeah. It should fucking finally be happening. How many stairs can you climb before you wanna pass out? This is too embarrassing to even answer lmao. Have you ever kissed someone with braces? No. Would you ever consider adoption? I don't want kids, and even if I did, I probably wouldn't. I feel like I'd personally need the "wow this is a part of me (and/or my s/o)" connection. Do you ever go hunting/fishing? I would never go hunting, and the only occasion in which I'd fish again is if Dad asked me. I don't like the idea of fishing for fun anymore, but that's like... always been our bonding experience, and I wouldn't tell him no. Do you know anyone who plays guitar? Knew. What are you currently sitting/laying on? My bed. Who are your godparents? I don't think I have any. Do you have any friends who are famous? I have two friends who are parts of bands, but idk how successful they are. I don't think either are like, huge. Nova Mortis if you're into heavy metal and I think Toukan does rap? When was the last time you stayed at a hotel? Hm. I have no idea. What side of a heart do you draw first? Uhhhh I think the left? What is your mom saved as in your phone? "Mama Bear." Do you want your tongue pierced? I had snake eyes for a while, but I took them out because I kept chipping my teeth. I miss that piercing, it was so cute, but it wasn't worth ruining my teeth. Ever made out in a pool? It's possible very briefly, idr. Do you like to have long hair or short hair? SHORT. SHORT. SHORT. Do you change your phone background a lot? Not really. Would you get back with your last ex if you could? Yeah. Have you ever been strip searched? No. Has the person you like ever seen you in your pajamas? Yes. What is your least favorite type of chocolate? White chocolate is way too sweet. Did anyone see your last kiss? It was at an airport, so probably. Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend? I mean, I do, but I don't really know how smart it would be right now. Is there anyone you wish you could fix things with? A few. Who IMed you on Facebook last? My friend Girt. Were you kinda scared of the goths in high school? Hell naw man, I looked up to them lmao. What size is your mattress? (single,twin,double,queen,king) Queen. Do you like spaghetti? Hell yeah. It was my favorite food as a kid. What about lasagna? No; I don't like the cheese at all. Have you ever been stung by anything? What was it? Mosquitoes of course, as well as a bee once. Maybe other things, idk. Have you ever worn contacts? (even just to try them out) Yes, but I changed to glasses because I had too much trouble putting them in and taking them out. Have you ever had any suspicious moles removed? No. Have you ever been screened for STDs? No. Did you have your tonsils taken out? No. Did you have your appendix taken out? No. Do you have any collector’s glasses or cups or mugs? What is a "collector's" glass or mug? Were you your parents’ first born? No; I'm the middle child. Do you have a child? Is the father still with you? No. Were you born perfectly healthy or with some (or a lot) of health issues? I was born healthy. Good 'ole days. Did you ever catch any bugs or insects with your friends as a kid? Ohhhh yes, my neighbor and I loved doing that. My favorite was catching fireflies with my sisters, though. Would you prefer to travel around the world by yourself or with a friend? With a friend. I'd get lonely. Do you know anybody who has been diagnosed with cancer? A whole lot, sadly... I'm despising that disease more and more every day that goes by. I know far too many people who have it or have died at its hands. Have you ever had to take care of an intoxicated person? No. Do you and your boyfriend/girlfriend fight a lot? N/A. Do not stay in a relationship where fighting is common. Would you ever share a site password with a family member or partner? I mean sure, depending on the site and person, and the reason they (may) need it. Has anyone ever told you they couldn't trust you? Hm... I actually don't think so? Who in your family has the prettiest eyes? Idk, I don't see enough of my extended family to know. What is an odd food item you would like to try, or have tried? I'm sure there's something I'd like to try, but nothing I think about with consistency, really... Most "odd" food I find unappealing anyway. When/if you drive, do you go the speedlimit? When I did, I certainly always tried to, but I was bad at maintaining a stable speed. I went up and down too much. Are you an aggressive driver? Or more passive-aggressive? I was dangerously passive at driving. Describe a hairstyle you had as a little kid? Well, I had long hair with bangs. What routine of yours would you most hate to break? Probably stopping getting a soda first thing in the morning... That is like so deeply ingrained into my day and is a motivator to get up in the first place. I want to change this to where I'm not allowed to grab one until I've had a full cup of water, but yeah, that hasn't happened yet. Has jealousy ever ruined one of your friendships/relationships? Honestly? I think it's possible that Jason totally split on me because of it. We were in this very unstable "friends" position after the breakup and hung out very briefly and awkwardly twice (which I'm pretty sure he didn't want), and I think one of our last attempts at conversation was who a girl he was talking to via Messenger was. No, before any assumptions are made, I didn't snoop. He showed me something on his phone and I just inevitably saw the little Facebook chat icon of a girl I didn't recognize. I don't even remember his answer. I just know it wasn't too long later I was blocked and everything. What is one restaurant you would NOT recommend? I personally am not a Chili's fan. What was your last conversation about? Mom and I were just talking about what a mush the cat is, haha. Who is your favorite person to debate or discuss with? Yo fuck debates, I got mad anxiety over that kind of stuff. Are you more likely to praise or insult yourself? Why? Insult. I don't even believe myself when I try praising, so it's not worth the effort. I have a billion and two reasons. Do you enjoy cloudy days? Why or why not? Honestly, not very much anymore. I've found that it actually does affect my mood. I like some cloud coverage, though. Would it bother you to be forgotten after death? Yes, even though when you think about it, most of us will be. I want to do stomething so badly; not even particularly something major, but just contribute to things and causes that matter and slowly change the world for the better. It's especially likely I will be forgotten though at some point because I don't want kids, so my blood isn't carrying on. Do you tend to prefer healthy or unhealthy snacks? Ugh, unhealthy. Has anyone ever asked you for diet advice? I think so, back when I started recovery and lost like 60 lbs fast as fuck. I wasn't even dieting though, just... came off awful meds. What age is your youngest aunt? Ummmm I have no clue. Do you like bowling? Yeah, it's fun, but I'm not good at it. Do you like roasting marshmallows on a bonfire? Totally. Do you prefer sweet or sour fruits? Sweet. How're your dancing skills? Rusted to the point of just not functional anymore lmao. What brand of batteries do you usually get? I don't pay attention to the kind Mom gets. Are any of your friends pregnant or have kids? A lot of my FB friends have kids. At least two are pregnant, but I only consider myself remotely close to one. I'm beyond worried about how she's going to be as a mom. Where's the strangest place a fast food restaurant was located? I've certainly seen some questionable placement in busy areas, but none that are super odd. Do you stay up all night on New Years Eve/Day or go to bed after 12am? I don't care nowadays; I just stay up until I'm tired like every other night.