#this ended up being very depressing loooool

[ibijau]

tagged by @marsdiogenes (I... can’t tag u for some reason, rip)

Post the following:

- top 5 works you’re most proud of that you released in 2022 (not necessarily your most popular)

-your top 4 current WIPs that you’re excited to release in the new year

-your top 3 biggest improvements in your writing over the past year

-your top 2 resolutions (ways you wish to improve your writing/blog) for the new year

-and your number 1 favorite line you’ve written this (last) year!

tagging @veraverorum @silliam-hill @robininthelabyrinth and hh anyone feeling like doing tbh I suck at thinking who to tag rip me prz

5 most proud of works (rip me, I barely wrote anything in 2022)

Worse Than Strangers  PERSUASION AU FTW I had so much fun writing this, trying to give it an Austen vibe and all

How to woo a Lan the nhs and jl friendship fic bc that concept is SO important to me, I want them to be friends

A Gift of Trust : trans woman lxc in canon era, need I say more. trans lxc is so, so dear to me, and it’s probably not, like, the best fic ever, but I just loved writing it

Nie Huaisang VS the very bad porn retelling  the title says it all loool it was fun to write too

100 shades of xisang  still can’t believe I did that, finding all the prompts and somehow filling them. Glad I did it, never doing it again looo

4 Current wips I’m excited about:

fake dating to real marriage pipeline (modern au, lxc gets dumped by jgy, nhs offers to fake date as revenge, it gets out of hand)

trans nhs arranged marriage (lxc and nhs are engaged, lxc is very happy about it, nhs is terrified the lan sect will force him to detransition)

that’s it. I have other wips, but I’m not slightly excited about them orz like at most I’d like to finish the second persuasion au but whether that happens or not is gonna be a mystery. Honestly, even the two wips mentionned here will probably never be posted, even though they’re both several K longs already

3 biggest improvements

I don’t... think I’ve improved? At all? If anything, my writing in 2022 felt less good than what I wrote in 2021.

2 resolutions for 2023

find joy in creating again

work on “original” stuff maybe

1 favourite line

“ Pettiness solved nothing but it was amusing, and he deserved a little fun sometimes. “ - From This Day On 

[nokomiss]

So I've had a few days to process the Magicians season finale and basically I've come to the conclusion that:

a.) They actually killed off Quentin Like That, did their cast and crew dirty Like That, treated their fans Like That, and thought that the plotting of that story was actually decent, which, loooool.

b.) They are clumsily attempting to pull a Jon Snow, where they want everyone to believe Quentin is dead, but will bring him back at some point in the future.

If it's option A, it's supremely gross. Everyone has listed the reasons already -- the killing the 'white male protagonist' to show how edgy and subversive your show is? Gross. If you've written a show where you have a generic white male protagonist, that's the failure of the writing. And if you've written a show where the protagonist is canonically linked romantically to both women and men (even if you don't put a label on it) and is ALSO explicitly shown to mentally ill and suicidal, and you think the best solution to that is to have them heroically commit suicide, after a season of buildup to a romantic climax with a male character, and have no resolution to that?  Gross. The self-congratulatory attitude of the showrunners is really what made this such a betrayal.

AND then there's option B.

Option B was something I kept thinking about shortly after hearing about the 'oh it's permanent' thing, and then one of the actor's tweets mentioned GoT, which isn't evidence at all but does open the door for the comparison.  I'm going to speak here as a longtime ASOIAF fan/GoT viewer. (I have my own issues with Game of Thrones as a TV show that I won't get into here, but suffice to say I love it but don't view it with rose-colored glasses.)  The reason the Jon Snow thing worked and no one revolted? Was that it was earned. Jon Snow was a central character, but not the central character; GoT has a huge cast, multiple storylines, and if one character dies, even a beloved one, there's plenty of story remaining and, vitally, plenty of bonds to hold the remaining characters together. And, possibly most importantly, it was consistent with the show’s own internal rulebook.

Quentin is the emotional heart of the Magicians -- even the show itself explicitly brings his love of magic and his love of Fillory as the beating heart of the story.  Ripping that away, to use a metaphor from the show itself, will be like when Julia was severed from her soul -- still present, but missing a vital piece.  And the show has a long history of characters fighting against death, and finding ways to cheat it. It’s not a tragedy. It’s a very different kind of tale.

I have a lot - a LOT - of feelings about this, so I’m going to put them under a read more. Some spoilers for GoT ahead, and a lot of feelings about earned narratives, storytelling, characters, hope and betrayal.

Jon Snow's death didn't come out of the blue, either. The tensions and discontent in the Night's Watch were building until there was only one real possible outcome to the situation, and it made sense within context that his brothers would turn on him.  Quentin's death, as part of a really ham-handed finale, was not earned? It didn't have any build-up or gravitas. You had a character who had been depressed, put in to an awful situation with the possessed body of his ex-love, found the fire within him to fight against the Monster, and then... instead of any logical emotional arc, they had him hook up with an ex and go on the most deux ex machina quest I can remember on the show, and then kill himself over a forgettable villain. All the campfire sing-alongs in the world can't make up for the emotional momentum they lost when they took away Quentin's spine.

 When they took away his heart.

And -- here's the thing -- both of these series are based on books. And you know what? In ASOIAF, in canon right now, the last thing to happen to Jon Snow was to die bleeding out in the snow. And yet, when he died on screen, and Kit Harrington spent a year telling everyone he was done with the show, everyone still knew that Jon Snow would return. It made narrative sense.  I've honestly only read the first Magicians book, but I did read the summaries of the later two, and Quentin doesn't die. Quentin is given an ending filled with hope.

And the reason I keep coming back to the 'maybe they're doing a Jon Snow' is that his death? in that manner? Just does not make any sort of narrative sense.  Probably (undoubtedly) it's just me trying to see meaning where there is none, trying to optimistically think that the showrunners had more care for their own story than they do. But Quentin dying with no emotional fulfillment with Eliot, after a full season of fighting to save him, of being dragged through hell by the Monster, makes no sense. If they'd had the two speak at all, conclude their plotline, I would have accepted the death much more calmly. At least there would be emotional catharsis, even if plot wise I was left frustrated.

Because, here's the thing. When I read that the show had been renewed for Season 5 before Season 4 even aired, I immediately figured that it was a two-season story arc. When Season 4 was so slow to solve the Monster plot, it seemed obvious to me that they were planning on dealing with the repercussions with Season 5.  Probably -- again -- that was me putting way, way too much faith in the writers of the show.  But there are just so many dangling plotlines, and things that were dealt with so  clumsily that they might well have never been addressed at all -- the library, the hedge witches, the magic rations, the old gods, Fillory's issues, really almost EVERYTHING from the season except for getting the Monster out of Eliot's body, and even that failed to address why his growing humanity was even a THING -- that they apparently decided no one would notice because of the Shock and Subversiveness of killing Quentin.  I went into the finale with the absolute lowest of bars, because I could see there was no possible way of wrapping up everything, and I totally expected a To Be Continued at the end. Somehow they still managed to disappoint.

And that doesn’t even begin to address how they treated the other characters.  Kady, reducing herself to just Penny’s girlfriend. Alice’s own character growth stunted to shove her back into what had already been shown as a failed relationship.  Margo, beautiful fierce Margo, abandoning her own plan to save her own best friend because… she liked a dude? And had already solved the fish-issue with her fairy eye?  Penny23, reduced to just a puppy trailing after Julia, even though he had telepathy and was a traveler?  Julia, with her choices concerning her body and entire existence stolen from her again. (because a telepath couldn’t talk to her????)  Fen, totally ignored for the finale? Eliot, never getting his chance to be brave?

That doesn’t exactly inspire a lot of faith for them to make a shift to a show that focuses on diverse characters, when this is how they treat them.

Where does that leave me? With a bad taste in my mouth either way, basically.  I told a friend before the finale that "It's a universe where magic exists! They can fix things!" and it's so simple to canonically bring someone back.  All the writer's talk about realism is ridiculous, this is a show that thrives on the ridiculous and the absurd.  Even if Jason Ralph chose to not return, that doesn't mean Quentin can't. It's very in-the-box thinking if so -- I could think offhand of a half-dozen ways for him to return in a different body, hell, make it a POC one if they're actually that worried about having a White Male Protagonist -- but ultimately I felt most betrayed because this death was not emotionally EARNED by the writers.  It is lazy. It is banal.

And it's ultimately incredibly tone-deaf.  Sci-fi and fantasy stories offer escapism, and when the real world looks like it does now, literally no one wants their dumb show about magic grad school to be about death and despair. The message the fans look for is one of hope. Quentin as a character offered hope -- you could struggle with depression and still find the  beauty of all life, you could find yourself in a magical land, you could find love and friendship and bravery within you that you never realized. That you didn't have to be the hero to be important. So if his death is permanent, like the writers claim -- and at  this point I have literally no faith in them whatsoever -- then it's an incredible waste of what could have been a beautiful and groundbreaking story.  

And if they're toying with the fans... it's misguided, and just frankly has not been earned in the way they think it has, and frankly means they're blind to their own storytelling faults. It's downright mean, and I'm not sure that I would be willing to support their show even if they brought Quentin back, knowing how little they thought of their fans.

[jimlingss]

I'm literally crying-- I HAVE A C IN CALCULUS!! I got a 90% on my last test and i have a C now!!!!! I had a D before cuz i got 53% on my first test and i am so so happy i am /passing/ i usually get straight A's and some B's and this is the first time i've been this stressed about just trying to pass a class and i am just, so so happy i burst into tears wow. And you came off hiatus-- this is like, a sign! Your presence blessed my grade :')

*applause* you go girl! It may not be the perfect mark but as long as you’re satisfied and you know it’s the best you can do then that’s great! I know the pain of math all too well ._. but honestly it’s so satisfying to get good marks. sometimes when I see a row of 90′s or 100′s…man that does things to me. (and there’s my nerdy side)

honestly as a kid I really loved receiving report cards loooool

myjeansareonfire said:I’M CRYING AND YOU’VE JUST POSTED CH3 OF BEYOND REACH AGSHXFDJSKX OHMYGOD I FEEL REWARDED I’M SO HAPPY 😭😭💖 (why am i like this lol)

YES! IT’S A REWARD. (*shifting eyes) I totally planned it this way with my psychic abilities…ha…haha….

myjeansareonfire said:Ohmygod i’m a sobbing disgusting MESS 😭😭 i was finally able to lay down and read this in piece and that was probably the second or 3rd most painful think i’ve ever read. First of all, i’m personally someone who really craves physical affection. I honestly start feeling kind of depressed if i go too long without seeing my friends or my significant other because they’re the only people who i feel comfortable receiving physical affection from. It relaxes me, makes me feel safe and happy (1/5)

every time i you mention the way hoseok wants to be able to reach out and touch y/n, comfort her, ruffle her hair, help taehyung off of the ledge of the bridge, it honestly really makes my chest ache. And then.. The way jimin wanted to get taehyung off of the roof ledge, ohmygod, that hurt so much. Just imagining how hard he was trying, how hard he was crying, the tears streaming down his face, his voice going horse from yelling at him to get down.. It was honestly so freaking painful (2/5)

I’m curious as to what’s the most painful thing you’ve read. but yeah honestly I didn’t mean to make the chapter that painful…it just ended up turning out that way. It’s honestly up there with my top angst written pieces.

And I’m really glad you understand the severity of the ghosts unable to touch. Sometimes I wonder if I did enough but it seems like you understand so that relieves me.

Personally, I’m not a touchy person at all. Last time I received a kiss was probably a decade ago by some relative on the cheek and it’s been about a decade too since I’ve actually hugged someone hahaha I’m one of those ppl who cringe away, do that weird half hug thing and say they don’t like hugs but honestly…..it’s hard to admit but sometimes I crave some sort of physical affection too - I’d feel weird to ask for it though. Like it’s awkward with family members and me and my friends don’t ever touch each other hahaha maybe someday when I date or something. plus, pshh…I can give myself a hug. (this just got real deep and personal but if you’re talking about your own experiences, I will too haha.)

i think my tears freely started flowing when i realized tae was going to try to kill himself. And just imagining how painful it was for tae to deal with the fact that jimin killed himself after he told him too… Ahh this was just such a difficult thing to read 😭 also i 100% agree with hoseok on that wall between him and y/n… The way you describe it, it’s almost palpable. Y/n is just so closed off and distanced, i personally feel closed off from her 😂 (3/5)

i feel like she just has this ‘don’t fuck with me’ aura but not for the reason people would think. She already has to deal with dead people, i can’t imagine the hell her life would be if she had to deal with annoying /living/ people too. I really hope that y/n will slowly open up.. Or at least to hoseok. (also i just feel like i really cannot express how damn sad it made me to picture jimin being that torn, lol.. :’( i don’t think i’ve read a fic that devastating for jimin before this) (4/5)

I’m sorry it’s difficult to read, I know it’s very emotionally draining. That’s why I’m not very surprised at the low amount of notes and feedback. I’d rather people not read if they’re uncomfortable. At the end of the day, I write for myself so I’m not dwelling on the “results” much. 

But yes! No spoilers but we’ll definitely find out more about Y/N’s character. There’s 3 chapters left!! Originally actually, Y/N was a very happy person and ready to help everyone and everything but after I edited the second chapter I didn’t like her character at all and thought it was extremely unrealistic so I did a complete 180 which I became more satisfied with. The OC is a very interesting character.

As always, a beautifully crafted chapter 💖 i adored it all, and i’m sorry i didn’t send the asks while i was actually reading it this time.. I just didn’t want to interrupt the flow of the story at all. I just felt so drawn in to what what was happening. I’m dying to know more about hoseok tho!! *sends moral support to hobi* you can do this!! Remember!! I believe in youuu! 💖 (can’t wait for ch 4! :3) (5/5)

No! It’s really fine if you send a message after or during. You don’t know how much I appreciate receiving these, any of them, regardless of length or time and I read each word carefully with a huge grin. I’m truly honoured to have you as a reader, don’t worry about messages, thank you! I’m even happier to hear that you were so invested, you couldn’t pull yourself away. 

Overall, my thoughts on the chapter….I’m a person who values family HIGHLY above friends. I don’t have that many friends, really only have one true close friend while the rest I’m not so close to. But while I was writing this, I truly began to assess the relationships I have in real life, with my own friends and man….I cried really hard editing the chapter. I did two edits in total and cried in each one. These people that I often take for granted, I’m now actively trying to value them and…*sigh, I’m getting too deep into this.

Secondly, usually in fics, it’s all about romantic relationships. There are friendships but typically not the main focus. I’m also responsible for writing weak friendships, throwing them in for the sake of just throwing them in. But I realized writing this how powerful friendships can be. With romantic relationships and family relationships, there’s almost an obligation there, either strong feelings binding you to the person or through blood relations, all the history. But with friendships, there are no obligations…you’re there because you simply want to be. AM I MAKING ANY SENSE? I dunno, just trying to say friendships are really powerful, this chapter hit me hard too….glad you enjoyed :’))))

[addictedtoprettylittleliars]

Good bye PLL

The day has come where we all have to sit and watch the very last episode we all love it hate *holds back the tears*

My love for you all:

I still remember the first time I watched it. It was a rare night because I had no basketball practice which meant that I had a free night of nothing, and at 16 I swear that was so rare. I turned on the tv and just watched what was on MTV and it was PLL, and from then I was hooked. I never really spent time making theories until I think I got to a place in my life where I was lonely and just didn’t have anything better todo. So by 21 maybe 22 I had a blog. I didn’t think much would come from it except maybe a few followers and a couple reblogs here and there. And I sure as hell was not going to make any “internet friends”. BUT DAMN WAS I WRONG. My following increased at a rate I never fathomed and was so grateful for b/c the interaction between so many of you all about this show meant the world. When I made this blog I said I was lonely but I was just standing at the line of depression something I was familiar with but this time it was disguised. Eventually I crossed that line and didn’t realize it till later on, I got some help but what i think helped me from having the thoughts I used to have back in the day was being able to communicate and having something todo online as just an outlet. When I said I never would make any friends over the internet i’m sure God had a huge laugh about that one b/c he went on to place people in my life that I couldn’t picture not have knowing or not talking to. We have had some amazing times and even down times, and even fall outs. But honestly I wouldn’t trade the bad times b/c those good times and that love we all share for each other is what made it so great. Thank you ALL for making this show so freaking awesome to watch, and for turning some of my crappy nights into happy nights!!!

My favourite moments/memories:

The mystery and the reveal of Mona will still go down as my favourite reveal. The clues that they dropped and lack of plot holes just made it brilliant. 

The ships lol...who didn’t love seeing everybody feud over who’s ship was better or least toxic??!?! I may not ship all ships but I did love the passion everybody put into them. I’m so pumped to Emison together, I think that will be my favourite thing to have come from these many seasons of being let down.

The wine moms I think inspired us all to up our drinking game. They will forever go down as iconic in my books. 

I will never forget the many amazing theories I read on CeCe, Melissa, Wren, the parents....and even the MANY Aria theories lol. My theories were always garbage in comparison to you. Like some of you are so gifted, thinking on a whole different level (a level I wish Marlene and other writers would have gotten on!!!). 

The hilarious posts that came from the show that turned into a train wreck. I don’t think if we didn’t have a such a hilarious PLL family on tumblr these last few season have been as tolerable!! 

THERE ARE SO MANY OTHERE THINGS THAT I COULD MENTION BUT FIGURES I’M PULLING A BLANK :)))))

I know have to mention a few specific blogs:

@prettylittleliarsbiga THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG!!! Alivia where do I even start with you!?!?!?! I honestly couldn’t imagine not having her in my life. And tbh she has no choice bc I tell her on a regular basis that i’ll kick her ass if she ever tries to not be my friend LOL! She lives so freaking far away but still managed to help me through one of the hardest years if my life. If it wasn’t for her wisdom, humour, and kindness I’d probably be a hot freaking mess (or at least a bigger one than I am today lol). I will always be so grateful for that. This past year and a half I learnt so much about her that blew my mind bc I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have had someone so amazing in my life.There hasn't been a moment when you haven’t been there for me. Even those couple times where we’ve had our disagreements and didn’t speak b/c we are both soooo stubborn  (it felt like an eternity i swear lol!!) I always knew that you were still my friend and I didn’t have to worry that you wouldn’t be there anymore. You constantly have me cracking up with you pettiness and crazy sense of humour, and your crazy ass work and driving stories lol. You have taught me how to not take shit from people even if I care about them b/c at the end of the day your internal peace and self respect is so much more important. You also have one of the most generous hearts I know, you are so giving to those people around you who you love and even to stranger on the street who you’d share your candy with.She will call you out on your shit, and honestly that’s one of my favourite things about her. It reminds me that she’s real and that she cares. She is also one of the most loyal people that I have ever known, but don’t me wrong…she won’t let you walk all over her. She is strong af and isn’t scared to tell you how it is, and she will have her friends back in anything. I COULD GO ON FOREVER BC I’M KIND OF HIGHKEY OBESED WITH HER!!!!!! Thank you for being the best friend I always needed and never even knew until you stepped into my ask, asking me if I watched the last episode. So thank you for asking me that b/c if you hadn’t done that, then who knows where i’d be at!?!?!?!  I think this meme perfectly describes how I feel about you... 

@dominicsherwod Jenny from the block! You used to have a little now you have a lot LOOOOOL!!!! My favourite thing is sassy Jenny, when you get on a role girl, it’s like damn “who is this!?!?” LOL!! You have always been someone I can talk with about anything. It honestly blows my mind that someone I consider a very good friend was someone that I hoped would one day just follow me back b/c I love their blog so freaking much!!! Thank you so much for your friendship and constant loyalty!

@jupiterswhore Sarah, I know we don’t talk as much any more but you were one of the first friends I made on this terrible website lol. Through the many blogs you've had we’ve always stayed in contact, which makes me happy! Your sense of humour always kills me and you weirdness as well lol! I hope you're doing well and that you’re killing it out there in the real world <3

@yourbloodisthenewblack @prettylittleliarsxxxx How could I forget my hockey girls???!!! You have no idea how happy it has made me to have found two people who love hockey and not only that the Oilers!!! I seriously think i’m going to keep my blog just so we can keep our hockey discussions going <3 I can’t wait for the fall to get lit about our boys and our hatred for other teams again LOL!

@qweensasha I couldn’t leave out the cutest human on this!!! I was so excited to hear you just celebrated your 21st *wipes tears away b/c you’re growing up*!! I know we don’t get to talk much anymore but I do know you’re crazy busy with school working towards your dreams of being an amazing kick ass Kinesiologist (i could be wrong on this so forgive me!!) so keep working your ass off for that goal b/c I know you’ll get this and kill it!!!

@redcoatblackveil Things haven’t been easy but when it comes to this series finale (and me being me) I’m sentimental af :))) so not including you in this would feel wrong and lowkey mean (???). You were a big part in what made PLL so much fun and enjoyable and during some tough times in my life you had the greatest wisdom and put some smiles on my face. No matter where we stand or what we have gone through I will be forever grateful for that and those memories, and instead of being angry I’ll remember those times and carry on <3 

There are so many of you that could mention and so many that i’ve lost contact with but just know I love you all like crazy and will forever love the PLL tumblr fam <33333

*Note: I didn’t go through and edit this b/c i’m lazy so please excuse the many errors in spelling and grammar :))))*

[itskindafuckedlol-blog]

Day 1

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

Soooooooo I suck at journaling but I know it’s supposed to be one of the secret arts of being a successful human being so lemme try this.

This journal is to help me focus. What I’ve gotta focus on is: awareness and meditation and MINDFULNESS that's the fucking word it took me a minute goddamn I gotta stop taking these pills.

But yeah this time around my depression is hitting me again and I’m not gonna let that shit win. Wow I can really see the dyslexia in my writing sometimes lol. fuck it. whatever.

Anyways, keeping a journal is supposed to be really good for your mental health and I am on that JOURNEY (hahaha see what I did there) to better mine.

It’s been a rough and tbh a pretty fucked up journey so far, hence the super cool blog name: “itskindafuckedlol.”

Basically, I noticed that when me and my siblings actually talked about what used to happen in our childhood, there was an actual realization of - “oh shit, that was actually kinda fucked lol”

Even here I’m using ‘lol’. It’s a coping mechanism. I’ve seen it with them too lmao its kinda fucked like if we talk about anything messed up about our family or lives or even like just terrible things in general, we’ll always giggle or laugh.

It’s bad. lol.

Anywho, I don’t expect any other soul to really look at this page, it’s really more for myself. I mean, it’d be cool if someone came across it and could let me know what they think. LEMME KNOW WHAT U THINK BOUT WHAT I BE WRITING PERSON WHO IS JUST SCROLLING PAST.

I guess I should give some backstory as to who I am.

I am 24. I live in the suburbs, always have, hopefully never will again once I move out. I had kind of a rough childhood. My father was an alcoholic, and my mother wasn’t very present mentally, so it was definitely a tough environment to grow up in I guess. Okay, here I can see that journaling is kinda helping me accept what I went through. Damn my therapist is awesome. But I digress.

I grew up with my father being pretty strict. I'm a minority and my dad always wanted us to like stay in touch with our roots and stuff. Which is fine and great and all. But we had to attend religious schooling, including religious music classes and regional performances and competitions. Ugh. I have absolutely nothing against my religion but I absolutely have trouble with the facade surrounding it. I will probably write more about that later so stay tuned.

I don’t remember much about my mental health and stuff from high school except fighting with my dad almost on the daily. Otherwise, honestly, I don’t think high school was a bad experience for me. When I got to university however, I started having problems with anxiety and it was the end of my first year when I first had a depersonalization episode. I didn’t think anything of it at the time; I had no prior experience with or even proper knowledge of mental health. Over time my condition worsened and eventually I became diagnosed with severe depression and bipolar 2 disorder, and later on, borderline personality disorder and complex PTSD. All this, accompanied by the occasional splash of psychosis, various drug addictions, and some good-old fashioned trauma. It was bad lol. I don’t know how else to look back on it lol I have make it sound trivial and laugh or else I’ll fall into it. But It was bad.

BUT OKAY MOVING ON MIND FUCKING MOVE ON - no. stop. do the fucking awareness exercise: what is going on right now?

Okay well, looking back on the past just made me want to block out all of the memories and bad feelings that just came up Let me think of how far I’ve come from those memories instead - no wait that’s still going to make me dwell over the past. Let me think of what position I’m in right now. So: I’m mentally stronger, I have a good GPA at school, I have a professional job interview coming up, I have loving people in my life, I fucking look better eyyyy, I’m in a position to even do my Masters like fuck I’m killing it.

Wow okay doing that actually did make me feel better. Anyways, I moved back home, took some time off of school, worked a fucked up job, quit, worked a stressful job, quit, enrolled into school full time, did fucking awful and dropped my courses, enrolled in school again and actually did pretty good, 

and now, well, I’m working a normal job and I’m taking summer school.

As you can kinda see, it’s been pretty up and down. But one of the great things my therapist has said to me is, “Mental healing isn’t linear.” It’s going to be harder some days and I just have to be prepared for it.

Recently, though, I feel like I’ve fallen back into my past, in the bad times. It’s been like this for the past 2 months. I’ve lost all motivation and energy, I feel depressed and anxious, and I’ve even felt a microscopic bit suicidal lol its just been messed.

BUT,

this time around, I feel like I am better prepared. It goes to show, huh, that therapy and shit actually works. I wish I could shout out my psychotherapist she is so fucking brilliant. YOU GO GLEN COCO. YOU. FUCKING. GO.

Yeah, if I’m being honest, things are pretty fucked up right now too. But the point is that this time around I am fighting, not surviving.

I really took in everything that my therapist taught me, what I’ve learned from self-reflection, advice from friends, Rupaul’s Drag Race which, let me tell you girl, has fucking changed everything, examinations of my parents lives and just deducing life in general;

I took everything at that moment and made the decision to my situation. And my situation was truthfully, probably, heading towards complete self-destruction. Knowing this outcome subconsciously, my answer was, and still fucking is:

NOT THIS TIME. No sir, no ma’am. Not this fucking time. I have worked too goddamn hard and come too goddamn far to allow ANYTHING truthfully, anything, to bring me down now.

And that means making changes.

Hence, this blog. Ew, lmao I’m a blogger. Omg on god that literally just made me cringe loooool. Okay, well. Until next time. 

:)

[sobdasha]

so it wasn’t exactly a new year’s resolution

but I did tell myself that this was the year I'd actually get serious about my library list and start reading some books!!!

(I always say I like reading, but that is a lie. I am given to understand that people who like reading like reading just about anything and everything, especially classics of all types that I find deathly boring and rudely dismiss as "something you are forced to read in school" [luckily, I seemed to go to a lot of schools/take plenty of classes that were lax about making us read lol so I have successfully managed to NOT read so very many classics]. What I like is endlessly rereading the same small selection of books I already know I like, or waiting 5+ years after someone's recced me a book to decide that probably there is a 95% chance I will definitely like it so maybe I should pick it up after all??)

a n y w a y I'm going to broaden my literary horizons by still avoiding ~classics~ but at least looking at things that seem to be popular and decently likely to be enjoyable to me personally, on the grounds that "look, you, it's not like you have triggers or anything, you are just a jerk and what's the worst that can happen if you start reading a book and it turns out you don't like it? You read really fast so how much of your life can you possibly waste doing this"

so, future me, here is what past you was up to in case you want a go at rereading or just can't remember what you've actually read lol

Dragonriders of Pern, Anne McCaffrey This wasn't actually this year, BUT it was part of my first failed move to library more things so it counts. First, let me shame myself: in 5th grade we had a Pern short story in our lit book. It was great. It was exactly up my alley, it had dragons, it was good. I knew I would love these books. I knew I would have such a good time reading these books. I did not actually put in a request at the library until I was like 30. So in that regard, supes, I got on reading Ancillary Justice really fast loooool. Anyway the short story was my typical favorite thing, about a boy who is on the fringe and doesn't have close friends but he ends up with the coolest dragon chosen-hero style and it's great. This is what I expected Dragonriders of Pern to be all about. The first book is not at all about this. Maybe future books are better, because at the end there was a mention of them pushing their society to be more like the way it's set up in that short story, but like. I just can't. Push through to see. The two main dudes were cool for the first 10 pages but then they just. Became jerks. The women could have been cool but I couldn't stomach how the men viewed them (wow maybe if you didn't abuse your gals and then be mean to them when they get depressed they might? Be less?? Depressed??? JUST A THOUGHT.) I didn't sign up for baby dragons violently maiming and murdering children as a special bonding activity??????? I signed up for kids cutely bonding with eggs and then being bffs when the eggs hatch??????????? I tried but it's gonna have to be How To Train Your Dragon franchises for me, sorry.

Earthsea, Ursula K. LeGuin Another series I should have read as a child. I tried the first book back at the time I tried Dragonriders of Pern, and let's be clear--it was not bad. It just didn't hook me, the way it captivates so many other people, so I never borrowed any of the other books. I tried again at the start of this reading binge, and I managed to get to the middle of the third book before I quit. I wasn't invested in the characters and story, it was pretty depressing, also I marathoned a bunch of it while I had flu/pneumonia so maybe that didn't help either. Sorry, Earthsea, I should have been more proactive and grandfathered you in as a child, like I did with Narnia, so I could share this Earthsea nostalgia with everyone else.

The Raven Tower, Ann Leckie This technically isn't part of my reading list because I had zero hesitations about reading more Ann Leckie lol. I just want to say, I highly recommend all her stuff and read The Raven Tower it's! Good! I highly enjoyed the second person pov narrative conceit that's like "Can you hear me? Can you hear me now? Well I'm just going to keep talking until you can hear me. Here's some relevant backstory. Can you hear me? Maybe you're sleeping or something so I'm just going to narrate for you exactly what you did today until you realize I'm speaking to you and you listen to this very important backstory context I'm giving you, ffs can you hear me already." Like, it wasn't specifically framed as such, which I appreciate, because when one tries too hard to apologize/explain away a narrative choice that logically doesn't make sense, it now makes even less sense after you called attention to it and that bothers me, so since this didn't do that I was free to read in what I liked and it felt very clever.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams Errr so I started this because it's been on my list for ages and the roommate just picked up a used copy of the trilogy so it was readily available without me having to put forth much effort. And a mutual Pratchett-loving acquaintance told me she also adores Hitchhiker's Guide, so. I…….am in chapter 8 of The Restaurant at the End of the Universe and that's? Where I stopped?? To read everything else on my list that I'm enjoying way more??? Hitchhiker's Guide is as it was billed to me, it's funny and witty and all, but...idk, for me it toes the line of what I actually find funny? I think mostly why I'm bored and lost motivation to continue is two reasons: 1) Arthur Dent is ordinary and boring, and as an ordinary and boring person who would also, if on a space adventure, just be whining about how inconvenient it is that I can't get tea instead of marveling at the marvels of the universe--I don't want to read about how boring I am! I wanna read about someone cool having adventures!!! and 2) I think to me it's showing its age a bit, esp. like in regards to Trillian (she's a cool independent brilliant beautiful woman who don't need no man so why is she still trailing behind Zaphod, not doing anything cool of her own, and putting up with him being a jerk to her??? Plenty of current writers have moved beyond that type of story and I could be reading that instead!!! so I went and read that instead.) I guess, since I'm not very invested in any of the characters, the experience has a kind of flat feel to me. I may come back later and try to finish it? I have left my bookmark in it and put it on my own bookshelves to shame me, so we'll see.

To be continued!