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dballzposting · 10 months ago

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Was thinking again about the bizarre scenario that this post ended with in which Trunks has an ex-girlfriend drop a baby at his doorstep and Goten steps in to help him deal with this. Well I have more to say abt it .....

I think a lot these days about the nature of health and humanity so that's why I shoehorn dragon ball characters into such trying yet domestic situations. Sorry

READ ON TO DISCOVER TRIALS & TRIBULATIONS OF SON GOTEN & TRUNKS BRIEFS NAVIGATING THIS FUCKED UP SITUATION....TOGETHER!!!!

Well first of all the way that the infant's mother does not ask for money or resources, even though Trunks is rich, is sort of what dictates Trunks and Goten's decisions about this. Trunks's first impulse is to Give It Back or Give It Away but Goten is first and foremost stricken by how this mother only wanted to abdicate the responsibility altogether, and all privileges therein. It honestly fucks with his head a bit.

I don't know if this will make sense and I'm just spit-balling here but: Goten was raised by Chichi who freely expresses (and weaponizes..) her strong emotions, and most of her emotions have something to do with the importance of family and motherhood to her. And since she is This Way, Goten grew up feeling that these sorts of matters are to be revered or honored or most astutely FEARED, becasue his mother had a poor tolerance for her feelings and behaved as if they were All So Dire, and so that's the impression that Goten got.

Because of the other people in his life and the prevailing mindsets and his own experiences and training, Goten has minimal experience with being emotionally-stunted or fearful of his own feelings; but that initial impression of DIRENESS that he got from his mother is not wholly removed from him, and it has been repurposed into "Oh, it's just the emotions around motherhood that are dire like that." Because those are the emotions that he has not had himself and so has had no re-contextualizing experience with to teach him that they are tolerable like the rest of life.

He knows by now that his mother is batshit crazy but also, when he turns to the world, he does receive the same input that "actually motherhood and child-rearing are very important and delicate things" so he just carries on like "Okay, so it really must be that dire to experience. Okay."

His perception isn't ... WRONG, and a respect for motherhood is a respect for humanity, but his understanding does involve that core of emotional violence from his mother, and that part isn't necessarily universal or beneficial. But like honestly that can be ironed out. He's honestly fine to keep it, even. Like it's close enough

So: When Trunks calls Goten in an anxious fit and says around the sounds of a baby crying that SOMEBODY HAS DROPPED AN INFANT ON THE DOORSTEP OF HIS PERSONAL HOME-AWAY-FROM-HOME IN THE METRO-WEST-SUBURBIA-INTERSECTION and that THE DAMN THING HAS HIS EYES and he DOESNT KNOW WHAT TO DO, well... OBVIOUSLY Goten heads over there as fast as the wind. And as they try to discuss What To Do, Goten is really disturbed that ... a mother could do this?

....He didn't know that that was within the range of options for a mother.

Trunks doesn't understand it either, but moreso from the perspective of "I am BUSY and have 0 experience with CHILDREN so WHY would ANYONE think to DO THIS TO ME..?"

There is a lot to unravel here from Goten's POV: Trunks, why weren't you more careful? Trunks, weren't you also a bastard child? Trunks, aren't you rich, is this really a problem? Trunks, she's not even asking for child support money, doesn't that tell you something about the practical likelihood of this mother being in this child's life? I can't understand how a mother could do this. I cannot fathom the pain she is in, should I be crying about it on her behalf? I don't know if she knows her limitations and is being responsible, or if she is immature and we should be angry with her. Trunks, can't you see that this isn't necessarily about blame or fault, but about the morbidly-misplaced infant who is currently undergoing more emotional pain than any infant should?

I think of Goten as being really emotionally intelligent becasue of his lifestyle and becasue of his nature and becasue Thats What I Want To See And Write About Right Now Just Personally .... So he has the wisdom to know that all of his vexation is just GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT. He has the grace to allow himself however long it will take to subtly work out the perplexment and inner knots. He doesn't need to know everything right now. Becasue right now he has a fucking job to do.

JOB #1: HOSE DOWN TRUNKS

Goten is a real one and he and Trunks are Ride or Die TO THE MAX. Goten hears the slightest edge of nerves in Trunks's voice and he is THERE. He doesn't even think about it. He just assumes the responsibility of compassion becasue that's just what they do for each other. Goten is a very good friend

Trunks is obviously freaking out hardcore, and even though Goten is 100% ready to make this his own problem too, he still allows himself the courtesy of being removed enough to Keep His Head On Straight. He can offer the clarity of an outside perspective and the support of compassion which is exactly why Trunks called him first before calling anyone else. Goten breaks it down pretty simply.

The mother has behaved extremely in order to remove herself from the picture; she is no longer a player. You cannot rely or fallback on her. Forget about her.

You have money and resources, so stop panicking.

You can't keep this a secret from your family forever, but if you need some time, you have enough room and food and money here to get by alright without them for a short while; it's just the issue of needing a caretaker.

We don't need to involve a third party right this second, I'm here and available to help sort this out while we settle into the situation and figure out a best course of action.

This is your problem but don't think of it that way; it's much more a problem for the baby than it is for you. This is life and death for it. You and I can both respect the severity of that.

You can give it away if you want but you know that that won't last long, at some point this child will need to know the context for its Saiyan blood.

You're my best friend and I have no other obligations in my life right now; if you can't miss work then I will stay here and help figure this out. This is your child, and whether or not that matters to you is ultimately up to you, but I think that family matters, and I think that the needs of this random infant is bigger than whatever we have going on in our lives. I know that we can spare the few weeks or months it will take for us to set up a functioning game plan.

So they agree to forget about the mother as a player and potential helper; to avoid involving Trunks's family yet (Trunks's wish); and that even though this is so sudden and they are so unprepared, whatever they feel about it has to go on the back-burner for now because the needs of the situation persists no matter how they feel about it.

JOB #2: DEAL WITH THE BABY?

It would be very wise to involve an experienced caretaker right now. Even just calling up Videl and Gohan would be helpful.

Goten wants to do that, but he also doesn't want to argue with Trunks about it right now. Necessity calls, and the first few days are Goten handling the baby and telling Trunks to Calm Down and Get Some Rest and Go To Work and Act Natural and Clear Your Head and We Can Regroup In A Few Days. Ultimately if Trunks continues to feel violated then this may blow up further, so Goten respects his wishes for secrecy IN THE MEANTIME. He is fully planning on revisiting that later, because, NECESSITY CALLS, and what do THESE TWO KNUCKLEHEADS know about dealing with babies?

Well, Goten was a well-loved baby himself, and is necessarily intimate with his own inner sensations of vitality by virtue of his warrior status, and so he takes to the task intuitively, honestly. He quickly busies himself with cultivating a sense of safety and comfort for the baby, he pays very close attention to its feelings and internal states, he projects a presence of serenity and grace ...

This soothes Trunks, too, who actually listens when after the first hectic day Goten tells him to "go get some rest."

Trunks takes the opportunity to leave and sleep readily - this is all just so fucked to him. Goten is able to remain peaceful even while trying to calm a baby who is Not At All Accepting The Efforts right now, and the sight disturbed Trunks. That's his best friend who used to play in dumpsters with him. What is he doing being a better parent to Trunks's child than Trunks is? This shouldn't be happening to either of them. This isn't who they are. This is so fucked.

So he sleeps it off and goes to work and he comes home and Goten has in that time turned the house into the friendliest space he could cobblefuck/conjure. He has acquired milk formula and pacifiers, a crib, diapers, anything he could remember seeing around when Pan was born. He is wearing an apron and has started dinner but is currently sitting down and holding the baby and trying to soothe it, becasue all day he has been trying to soothe it, because it has been separated from its mother and it has been refusing to eat, and Goten has now committed to being a constant presence of warmth and serenity so that eventually the baby will accept his help. Goten "knows nothing about babies" supposedly but he knows VERY MUCH about what it feels like to be a human/Saiyan, and to be so small and dependent, so he is applying all the wisdom and discipline he's learned over his life.

He sees all the missteps and faults and voids of knowledge, but Trunks sees behavior that is far better than what he was putting out there initially. Goten is sympathetic but remaining unaffected by the violent anxiety that the baby is expressing, because he knows that if he gets worried and tense, then he will no longer be a safe container for the baby's pain like he is trying to be. He knows that this is very difficult for it, and he knows that this wound may leave an emotional scar, and he knows that it won't accept Goten as a caretaker until it's ready to, and in the meantime Goten is just trying to prove himself and rock the baby in his arms to facilitate what he hopes is a progression toward a feeling of safety and the prospect of regulation.

He is the only fratboy in the entire universe who could try to pull this off because he is one of the better warriors in the universe, and physical training and discipline IS emotional training because all the organism is one being. Also he is very respectful of the human condition and of motherhood in general, so it was never a question of IF he could commit himself to the task, but of HOW SOON he can move in.

And Trunks feels awful for thrusting this problem upon his BFF like this but he also feels a myriad of other things like Fear and Stress and Shame and Violation and an indecision around whether or not to Accept & Bond with this child and Indecision about Everything and ultimately an Exhaustion, so he just. Lets Goten's calm demeanor make everything okay.

Oooookay. So.

This just sort of goes on like this for a short while.

Goten becomes completely invested in his new responsibility. It's superficially comical; a fratboy with the freshest fade and biggest muscles, wearing an apron and feeding a baby from a bottle. The want to call Gohan or Videl or Chichi or Bulma or any qualified caretaker has gone unattended. the given reason is that, well, maybe it's not time to yet. The real reason is a mix of apprehension, a desire for quiet, and the good old classic Saiyan impulse of "Hey, wait, maybe I could do this myself, just gimme a minute - let me self-improve, hold on, I think I'm learning, I almost got it, just give me a minute." It seems irresponsible, but Goten is at the point where he really feels like involving more adults into the baby's life may just confuse and stress it, and it's not like there is anybody else who could magically heal the severed bond that the baby had with its mother.

Trunks oscillates as he processes: he is sometimes relieved to have Goten, sometimes disgusted, sometimes ready to call in reinforcements, sometimes ready to jump ship entirely. He sometimes makes dinner and sometimes watches Goten do it with a baby on his hip. Sometimes Trunks never comes home and stays at Capsule Corp for a night or two. He goes to work every day and takes showers that never feel long enough. Sometimes he escapes to meditate or train alone, but the clarity and peace is disturbed when he comes home to a distraught baby who never giggles and who has his eyes.

Trunks is sometimes mature about this and sometimes not. At once when he would impetuously demand to at least hold his child ("if this is SUCH a big deal and I HAVE to keep it, after all-"), Goten would respond simply and assertively with "OUR baby."

Now, though, a few long months in, when Trunks extends the effort of patience and grace of tolerance to hold his baby, Goten genuinely hesitates. He looks fretful and doesn't budge. Trunks thought that he had been a bit more respectful in his request this time - after all, it was a request, not a demand - but he senses from Goten's response that maybe he was still too immature, still unrealistic about what he could handle and what he could not. But, need this be a big deal, I mean - it's his, isn't it? Is it a big fucking deal for him to just HOLD it? What is he missing, here?

when Goten speaks, it's like how one whispers softly in a library, and Trunks feels slighted at being indirectly asked to watch his volume in his own home. He feels like he's being shamed, and he rejects this, becasue - is this REALLY a big deal, or is Goten just getting too deep into this and being dramatic?

But Goten tells him that hey, this baby is REALLY sensitive. Sure, it eats now, and clings to Goten like a baby should, but it seems to constantly rely on that presence, and it is easily disquieted, and it takes a lot of rocking to put it to sleep. Goten feels like he's put a lot of work in, and that the baby has come a long way to learn to seek out Goten's face and arms for comfort, but it is not yet wholly trusting, and it cries more than it smiles.

So Trunks sits on the couch next to him and tries to mirror the peacefulness that Goten is always putting out, but he is anxious inside, and that comes through. Goten carefully moves to pass the baby over to Trunks, and he moves slowly, and he tells the baby what's going on in a pleasant tone, and the baby furrows its brow, and Trunks recognizes it as an expression of his own, and he tries to gently take the baby into his arms, and his guts tighten when he hears Goten tell the baby "this is your father," and Trunks lets the baby look at him, and he tries to hold it right and quell the trembling of his nerves, and he gently rocks it at Goten's prompting. And the baby looks confused and sort of upset. And then really upset. And then it turns to look for Goten and reach out to him. And Goten is always careful to be responsive to this baby and so he knew that it was upset to go into the arms of the clearly-stressed-out-and-therefore-unsafe Trunks, and he knew to standby and be ready to take it back at any second. And this he does so. And Trunks stands up and leaves the house. Just fully walks out the front door

Trunks doesn't think of it in this way, but he is living what his father had lived through: he has a bastard child, but is not ready to become a father and pass the torch yet; he is not done with himself, with his arch, with his life.

Trunks is working a job he hates and has not yet found what he should be doing instead. He is not in love with machines like his mother is, and he is not perfectly suited for endless battle like his father is. He hasn't fallen into swords as his calling yet so he has no inkling of ever running a sword-training dojo - he just really has no idea what to do. He's always liked Having Fun and Chilling Out and Fucking Around and he's done quite a lot of that. In fact he's done that his whole life. A lot of which has been with Goten. Now Goten is acting as a mother to Trunks's bastard child becasue Trunks isn't good enough to take care of his own fucking problem. He's too immature or selfish, he's not serious enough, he's too cold even - he has no girlfriend or wife, he has no instinct to settle, he hasn't a familial bone in his body.

He knows how to meet bare minimum, he knows how to exist in shadows - he knows how to play the role of a son but cannot marry that with his own individuality, he cannot excel in his parents' paths nor follow his own, he cannot be someone his parents can be proud of. His sister is much more fit to do all that and more - Trunks can't decide if he feels hindered by the ceiling of his upbringing and parents' expectations, or inflamed by it to grow. His sister seems to be doing great though, and she is fierce and competent, and she never once asked Trunks's help for anything past the age of 6.

Trunks hasn't found himself yet. How could he be responsible for another? Not to mention - he has no experience with being needed.

Eventually he returns to tell Goten all of this. The baby has been put to bed and Goten is cleaning the kitchen, and Trunks walks in and tells him that he is so sorry for making this Goten's problem. He understands that they're ride or die but Trunks can recognize that he has not been bringing an equal amount to the table, even though it was his problem to start. He feels like pure shit about it. And he's sorry for keeping his emotional distance. He feels resentful for that fucking baby and he's sorry for not being able to reconcile with and move past that. And he's sorry for feeling violated by a situation that he himself wrought and that he should be able to HANDLE becasue he is an ADULT. He's angry at himself for still feeling like a lost child on some level, an for being so irresponsible as to have not yet resolved that.

He can see that this is more important than all that, and he is sorry for his incompetence regarding.

And he tells Goten that he is a WAY better parent than Trunks could EVER be - and, y'know, he's GRATEFUL for that, perhaps even feels a strange love for Goten for being there to raise his child, and that weirds him out, but anyway - y'know ... He knows that this can't be true, but he'd rather that it just be Goten's child instead. And Trunks is ride or die and would totally help him out any way he could, but also, yknow, when Goten's family or love interests step in to help, Trunks would, yknow, take his leave. And be grateful for that. Becasue he's no good at this. And he doesn't want the responsibility. And he can't tell if that's selfish or not.

........Aaaaand Goten. Lets him say all of that. Dries his hands. And then he sharpens his gaze. And just says exactly what he means and what needs to be said:

"I'm not a mother, I'm a 23 year old man who is unemployed and unmarried. 75% of the contacts on my phone are party-chicks and dude-friends. Three months ago I was doing keg stand enemas, and now I'm a broodmare. I'm nurturing a child that is not even mine. My body is rock-solid with hella muscles and I'm here trying to mimic the soft warmth of a mother. What I am is a guy who is doing his best - and you can be, too."

That really just cuts through the bullshit. He could also tell Trunks that he is good enough and that he needs to be kinder to himself because "we really don't have the time for you to be all locked-up and self-absorbed, like, if you could get going on the process of self-compassion then that would be great because we really need a second emotionally-available person right now..!"

It comes out now (or a little later when Trunks is willing to listen) thaaaaat ......... Hey! This has been EXHAUSTING for Goten!!

Not even just for the baby, but Goten has had to be calm and capable and soothing for TRUNKS, too!

A little is fine, but this has been going on for a few MONTHS now, you know!?!

And, Oh, the STRESS. Goten knows that if he worries too much then he will end up sending mixed signals to the baby, so he's had to make peace with the prospect that he could "fail" or that essentially the baby could never learn security or comfort. So Goten has accepted the situation as it is; there is an infant in distress, it is not his, it is his best friend's, Goten will do what he can to make sure it survives, he will do what he can to heal its heart, but it is undergoing quite the ordeal and Goten is untrained in such matters SO; this is reality and whatever happens happens.

But, also, Goten has necessarily BONDED with this baby, and he can follow its feelings closely, and- OH, he really does STRESS becasue he DOESN'T KNOW if he's actually HELPING OR NOT? Sometimes he feels like the baby is receiving comfort more readily than before, sometimes he feels like it is starting to withstand the stress of daily living without needing constant comfort, sometimes he can leave the room and return and the baby has not yet started crying in that time, sometimes the baby seeks him out in a way that does not feel so hopeless or needy, sometimes it cries in his arms in a way that feels purifying - but other times it goes cold on him when he misses signals, sometimes it rejects him, sometimes it won't eat, sometimes it becomes desperate and needy and will not be soothed, sometimes Goten starts to feel desperate and hopeless himself!

He wants to be there for the baby, to be a reliable regulator, but how can he when the baby has endured rejection and is now of the reflex to sometimes reject those that care for it?

I do think that there is a day where it starts to feel okay. The baby smiles and giggles and trusts that when Goten leaves the room he will be back soon. Goten starts to feel like it's not the end of the world when sometimes things happen that have the baby feeling ignored or violated, and that in turn invokes a phase of coldness and rejection by the baby - becasue Goten knows to just be patient and to tolerate it alongside the baby, and the baby will live through it. That's all Goten can do. Just continue modeling that it's alright, feelings are forgivable, his love is unconditional, and that life is tolerable.

But even beyond the baby: this situation has given Goten a LOT to stew on and process. His ideas about family and motherhood are being tested, and his best friendship is being twisted and tried. This is a lot for Goten to handle, but they have decided to not tell their families yet, and Goten cannot rely on his BFF for the emotional support - so he has been isolated in this. All he can do is soothe and rock the baby in silence and let the rocking motion soothe him as well. All he can do is remain calm and let things process in the back of his mind in their due time. All he can do is keep breathing and moving mindfully. All he can do is keep moving forward.

He has kept his DAMN MOUTH SHUT this whole time out of consideration for Trunks and a desire to keep the atmosphere calm and balanced. But, yknow, now that Trunks is opening up to him about his stress - Goten will go on ahead and share his.

Trunks says that he feels bad for making this Goten's problem, and to that, Goten has two insights:

1.) Stop calling it a problem! There are no problems, no mistakes, no failures; just what you do and don't and how you feel about it. Shifting around blame and derisive declarations unto the abstract concept of the "situation" e.g. THE PRESENT REALITY removes yourself from your much-needed presence and involvement. It takes away what you can DO about it, now.

2.) Okay Well if you feel bad for making this my problem then maybe you should consider returning all the hugs and kissies and pets I've given you and all the DINNERS I've cooked for you. Maybe *I* need to be soothed and rocked and kissed and pet in order to deal with what I'M going through. I can't keep being a mother to YOU AND your child. It's not MY FAULT that I wasn't there to make you use a CONDOM, Trunks!! I'M SORRY THAT YOU DIDN'T LEARN FROM THE CAUTIONARY TALE OF YOUR OWN CONCEPTION, TRUNKS!!!

Now that we're a few months in, it's time to say that - this really isn't what either of them ever meant to ask out of the other. They have always been each other's go-to for senseless, reckless, and wild thrills. They've given each other intellectual stimulation and emotional mediation, sure, but their default state is HEY DUDE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN PEE. This whole situation wasn't necessarily in the cards for them. This isn't how they love each other!

But, they can both come to accept that This Is Just How It Is. I think that they can both be strong enough to adapt.

And, with this out of the way, they can start working more as a team. Turns out this shit doesn't HAVE to be miserable. Turns out that when you're honest, your vitality and excitement for life returns. Trunks becomes more involved with his child. They involve their family members and receive help and share joys. Goten is freed up to be able to connect with friends and ladyfriends again, and Trunks becomes more realistic about what he wants out of his life.

It's fine. Not a big deal.

End post.

Everybody stay graceful and lovely <3 Thank you for reading my post

#dballz posting #goten & trunkz #Oh The Sundays I've Spent making Dballz Posts ....

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readingaccountability · 4 years ago

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snow crash - neal stephenson

my playlist (because of The Way That I Am)

final thoughts:

okay, im going to be honest right out of the gate- i cant decide whether this is a book id recommend or not. it was really fun for the most part, but personally there was a lot more exposition than id like. the early portions of the novel have exposition which feels completely fair, mostly things relating to worldbuilding. stephenson creates his own vision of future america, and some places online referred to it as cyberpunk, and some as post-cyberpunk. id be more in the latter camp, mostly due to the way he plays with tropes, leaving the reader unsure of which will be subverted and which wont.

the use of language was really fun, and i enjoyed the worldbuilding a lot. his vision of a futuristic capitalistic earth feels surreal in its immediacy and recognizability. the back jacket blurb ends with "a future america so bizarre, so outrageous, you'll recognize it immediately." which, yeah. a texan info-tech magnate? two competing corporations owning the highway system? suburban city-states? this was another enjoyable thing- everything was colorfully named, and names treated totally normally, which kind of poked fun at how we have everyday things named very ludicrously and for the most part we are totally blind to it.

one aspect i really enjoyed was that the author often doesn't make certain things clear to the audience, until he does, and then it becomes necessary to reassess the entire story and setting. this goes to underscore the theme of the importance of information and the ways we take it in and perceive the world based upon it. for example, we don't learn that y.t. is fifteen until maybe 75 pages in, at which point a lot makes sense in retrospect. the same thing occurs in the worldbuilding, as suddenly a detail is given in passing and the reader must incorporate it into the setting, which by default we assume to be similar in many ways to our idea of america. it keeps the reader on their toes as well as furthering the worldbuilding. for the most part, the tech stuff didnt feel outdated to me, despite being a future projected out from '92.

however, aspects of the book are definitely very 1992. id put these into two camps: the first, being that the book does at different times use slurs. the main character is black and asian, the n word is used a few times by racist side-character/antagonist types, as are a few other racial slurs. there was also the occasional usage of the r slur, within the narrative prose itself, rather than usage as an insult within dialogue.

the protagonist, who is named, unfortunately, hiro protagonist, is a great character and felt very fleshed out to me, though at times he reminded me more of dirk strider than normally would be ideal. (its obvious that stephenson and andrew hussie are of a similar type of writer, and play with similar tropes, lmao.) hiro is a man of many worlds. he seems to shift between them easily, though never fully existing in any of them. this is reflected in his background, both in his biracial identity and in having been raised on a myriad of army bases. this is layered further in his fluidity in interacting with both reality and the metaverse, yet remaining slightly, consistently aloof. fascinatingly the first moment i sensed this drop was when we meet juanita- aka where his real and meta realities coincide. the description of them as the adam and eve of the metaverse is both insanely romantic and thematically key (good god i wish we had more than like, two conversations between them). juanita designed the facial component to metaverse avatars, doing the majority of this work when the two were together, and hiro can see echoes of both their facial tics in the face of every avatar in the metaverse. in a way, by having done this work juanita is positioned by the narrative as one of the gods of this digital realm. she is also hiro's call to action, being aware of the coming trouble and alerting him to it, as well as connecting him to the informational database he needs to prepare.

y.t., the secondary protagonist, fucking ruled. i loved that she was just a fifteen year old punkass kid whose mom doesnt know how crazy this part time job is. y.t. being worried about her mom was a great thread throughout, and a really good balance to how obviously independent y.t. is. i do wish there had been a chance to explain more about her background (she has a dad who left who is mentioned in a throwaway sentence, and a boyfriend who is mentioned near the beginning but never again.) i really enjoyed how obviously hyperaware y.t. was at all times about her own place within the insanities of the setting, while also consistently writing her as a teen maybe in way too deep who thinks about things in typically teenage ways. but like, that wasn't ever held against her? the narrative meets her where she is. it was honestly awesome. HOWEVER,

i absolutely hated the raven and y.t. scenes. how creepy!!! he basically statutory rapes her!!! we know hes at least late 20s early 30s, because hes the same age as hiro. if this sort of content is upsetting to read for you, i definitely do NOT recommend this book. (if you want to avoid reading these bits: ch 47 y.t. meets raven, ch 50 they are in a bar eating, ch 52 things happen that result in y.t.'s anti-assault device activating- she did not activate it on purpose, but forgot it was there- and raven is knocked out.)

please PLEASE dont take any of the following analysis as like, trying to be apologetic towards this scenes. because again they were awful and hard to get through and really gross. but im also cognizant that the author was obviously trying to convey something by making the choice, like the way it was written is obviously not condoning this sort of thing.

i think maybe what stephenson was trying to get at with that, was that we see hiro internally negate any potential for anything untoward with y.t. basically immediately, since he kind of senses that she might have a small crush on him (though this doesnt last more than a fleeting moment, especially from her perspective). vs raven, whose 'poor impulse control' warning tattoo eventually elicits a sarcastic remark from hiro after he finds out raven and y.t. were "a thing". i really dont think hiro knew how far it went? like it was just suuuper weird, but i figured it was meant narratively to 1. execute the chekovs gun of y.t.'s anti-assault device, 2. contrast hiro and raven (especially considering the bike-racing argument where theyre telling the story together, which is supposed to parallel them, while contrasting the differences in how they ended up?), and 3. just to get raven unconscious, i guess. but good god it was weird and i hated every second of it, why couldnt the device have like, activated way earlier?? gah. fucking upsetting. moving past that!

honestly i was really frustrated by how little screentime juanita got, because the way she was introduced was so fucking interesting and then shes mostly off doing her own thing. the bits of explanation she gives at the end about what she was up to on the raft are so sparse and im like damn, can we get a little bit of her pov in here? please? that would have ruled. additionally, shes supposed to be hiros love interest, but we see so little of them interacting outside her intro scenes. a huge portion of why hiro is getting into the sumerian mythology is literally framed as something that will help him understand juanita, but we dont get to see him talk to her about it barely at all.

the supporting characters were quite fun, i particularly liked the librarian. big surprise, i liked the overly literal ai information-dispensor, lmfao. watching him and hiro interact reminded me SO hard of geordi laforge having honest to god conversations with the computer where he tries to coax information out of it, aka one of my favorite little aspects of tng.

and lastly, the major plot themes themselves. i adore the way stephenson approached action, it was very entertaining. usually i cant really visualize action scenes written out, but his use of language was really really effective and engaging. the plot itself was absolutely fascinating, though i found the premise pretty contrived. which isnt bad in itself, i was fully suspending my disbelief until the last hundred pages or so. which for a 550+ page book, isnt too bad.

i did like the approach of linking the ancient to the modern, that is always really neat. and i think ultimately stephenson did it in an interesting way, not how i would have done it, but definitely interesting! creating these ideas about information infrastructures, and there being words that can access those and be used to control people, was wild. not sure if i agree about the equating of religion to a virus, though he did specifically establish that it was more the approach to religion, than religion itself. (maybe if juanita had been more goddamn present in the narrative that could have been elaborated on a little more. literally her perspective would have been perfect in balancing that out!!)

ultimately what did me in was the very very very long winded MONOLOGUE where hiro re-explained the whole premise, in ways that didnt really neatly organize into a cohesive argument. a lot of the scenes where hiro talks to the librarian, which are interspersed throughout the book, are really exposition heavy, because stephenson is rooting his ideas in historical concepts that need to be explained to both hiro and the audience. and i thought all that was fine, because it was a conversation where hiro was grappling with the information, and he was figuring it out along with the reader, and most importantly it was a conversation between him and the librarian computer program.

howeverrr later on we get a full rehash of all that, where hiro makes clear some stuff that was just implied for the reader, and hes literally just telling these important men whats up in this big long monologue. utterly worthless. i kept reading it and going YEAH, we KNOW, we know this we know this. and the important men barely interjected. it added basically nothing to our understanding of the situation, other than reframing it. but everything added was already an implicit thing, and didnt really need to be said again.

the resolution to the book was stellar, the last 30-40 pages, once hiro is onto the raft, were great. ultimately after reading and giving some time to digest it, i think it was a solidly great book with a few big drawbacks near the end, but which dont carry through and sully the ending.

#bookblr #book tag #snow crash #neal stephenson #reading progress update #book review #cyberpunk #post-cyberpunk #god this is long #kind of ended up being book report esque... elementary school vibes. i fucking love it ngl #original post #playlist series

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fineosaur · 5 years ago

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jonsa-jonrya (ok, those ships are actually very gross for me but i wanted to ask since it is supposed to be a thing in book canon and since you have read most of them i wanted your opinion) Thank uuu!!

damn. ok so i got this asked twice so here we go, i know i might be angering some so really, if you ship either, just dont read lmao, i have opinions

jonsa AND jonrya (im putting them together so i can rant properly)- f, notp, i just. i do. not. understand. in . the .slightest. i love both jon and sansa, arguably jon more, since him and arya are my favourite asoiaf characters. jon,, has a destiny. there’s this onus on his shoulders, one which as he grows, he even realises which i think makes him more and more exhausted, almost cynical in a way. he does everything he does, basically trying to save the world despite being 15-16. and if you think about it, in his pov, we ofc get him falling in love with ygritte, but even then, he chooses his duty over her (which i will get back to when i mention arya) and i know stans will use the fact that sansa and ygritte both have red hair, as a reason to back up their ship, but.. as we very clearly read in JONS OWN POV, he clearly does not care about ygritte’s looks, her hair is unruly but kissed by fire and he falls in love with her despite her not being conventionally attractive. we see him noticing beautiful women (and men *wink) but he never actually acts on those impulses, only with ygritte because he grew to love her, and lbr he was a horny teen and got the opportunity to fuck. ygritte was also in a way, sweet to him, made him feel welcome, hence the reason why she was so hurt by his betrayal; whereas we have sansa, who made him feel nothing other than an outsider, like he didnt belong, went ahead and made sure to only ever refer to him as “HALF brother”. they were both kids, but as we know, our childhoods shape who we are, and someone, who is your sibling (despite them reassuring you they are not), the fact that they show so obvious disgust for you is hurtful. jon grew up, till he was 15, being told he wasn’t part of their family, so honestly, it’s a sore point for him, i dont see how with something so imbedded in your personality, you can just forget and fall in love with? its just absurd to me. lets not even begin to think that sansa will suddenly just be ok with jon, despite what she’s been through she still maintains her so called morals/principles, feeling so offended that she has to play the part of a bastard, feeling inferior over it, despite it merely being a mask, a character she’s playing and in no way actually reflects her. yet she takes it so personally, what makes you think that she would willingly fall in love with jon? (i could really go on)

now arya, i’ll understand the “proof” behind this one a lot more, but still in no way will i think this is an acceptable ship. i havent even mentioned incest yet, but like.. even if jon isnt both sansa and arya’s sibling, biologically (he’s supposedly their cousin which is still icky) he’s as far as they know, their brother. like it would be disgusting for either of them to fall for robb, bran or rickon, it would be just as gross for jon. because he was raised as their brother and him not being their brother doesnt change that. else? what are you basing this off? have y’all heard of adoption? are you telling me adopted kids “tEcHnIcALly not related”. it goes down to perception, dudes. just as you, as an adopted child would refer to your adopted parents as your PARENTS CAUSE THATS WHAT THEY ARE, you would not get involved intimately in that way because you essentially view them as a family member. for arya and jon, their relationship is so pure. the fact that they are the only two who ever looked out for one another, bonded on the fact that they look alike.. it’s so odd that you would romanticise the only innocent sibling relationship. there are endless parallels between jon/ned and arya/lyanna. these two are also siblings, but you never see them... being shipped. i just find it weird of us to look at the one good sibling relationship in the whole asoiaf universe (im literally even talking directly at grrm at this point) and turn it into something weird?? i just.. i dont get it. incest aint it.

(istg if any stans want to fight, i already warned y’all to fuck off)

#not even gonna tag those ships #ship ratings #asks #anon #idk if this is what you wanted anon but here you go lmao

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moonshxdows · 5 years ago

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me? writing hlfx outlines instead of studying for calc? more likely then you think

spoilers for hlfx if u havent read it yet and also for the next chap (obviously) and yeah. ill put a cut since its getting kind of long. this is mostly me just organizing my thoughts bc now im finishing this fic out of spite and also i miss raydia. fuck OFF aaron theyre both gay and i do what i want

also i checked my chapter count and apparently. i mentally skipped like a whole ass chapter so we'll see what happens. im rambling. hopefully i’ll be able to actually write this once i finish finals and college essays but until then here

ps if u WANT to read hlfx scroll thru my hlfx tag 😳👀 theres links there promise

so. ezran is still kidnapped, and raydia is pretty much spending 12+ hours on the road a day trying to catch up to the earthblood elves that took him

not to mention they Still Have The Egg. AND they had a fight ab viren and also morality earlier. things r tense and quiet theyre not talking much

raylas like. dealing w her trauma yk? (thanks viren). she hasnt had the best few days/weeks/months/how long has it been since marcos died again?

anyways. bad times but shes healing!! shes gettin better!!! this is first and foremost a story ab healing and moving on and becoming better!!!!!

claudia is Also thinking but not about trauma (maybe about trauma). shes like. rethinking some of the things her dad told her u know? and is also developing an outsiders pov on dark magic with raylas sidelong comments earlier in their journey. except now shes actually Thinking about it and hmm. hmmmmmmm.

idk if i SAID they have the air primal stone but they do now. maybe the fire primal stone bc i do nothing if not project on claudia and boy am i a pyromaniac

anyways.

jesus that was just the setup

anyways they come across an elf village and rayla wants to avoid it this time but claudia sneaks in bc she wants to see it for herself

i change my mind she goes to see how magic is used in their societies and steals a primal stone

so she gets away with it (barely) and rayla wakes up to (another? cannot remember if they had the air primal stone lmao) primal stone in her bag with the egg

"claudia what the fuck im not carrying this your turn"

she doesnt explain WHY she stole the primal stone but rayla notices the filmy magic coating their clearings in the morning. and its not heavy, dark magic. its the magic of her childhood and her people, and gives her a little hope for her traveling companion

(are they friends? can she call claudia a friend when they were at each other's throats only a few weeks before?)

she doesnt mention it, though

they get more little moments on the road, peppered between sharp words on the bad days and dead silence on the worst ones. but they grow closer, bit by bit.

then they intercept the caravan with ezran and everything goes to shit

raylas impulsive and angry and so, so tired and so she runs at them, only for claudia to pull her back last minute.

theyre both scared but. claudia has a plan. she hopes.

so they linger outside the queen's palace, and wait. because if xadia politics are anything like human politics, the dragon queen will want to see her royal prisoner

she does. and when ezran steps in front of the massive dragon, sweating and exhausted in his torn cloak and tunic, rayla grabs claudias hand to stop herself from running out to him then and there.

it doesnt take long for the queen to demand retribution for her child, since clearly the crown prince- now king- ezran is alive

and this is where the plan comes in

rayla steps out onto the open air royal draconic chamber, holding the egg, and all goes silent. there are tears in her eyes when she sees ezran start to cry, but her voice remains steady when she speaks

"I have something better than retribution. But the one who brought it deserves to be the one to give it to you" or something like that

she hands the egg to ezran, he explains, claudia rushes out and theres a teary group hug while zym is born

the dragon queen doesnt trust them entirely, especially since the new one reeks of black magic, but she agrees to send an emissary to katolis

with rayla as their guard, of course

its the first step to true, lasting peace

#fic writing #my fics #fics #bullet fic #hlfx #raydia #did i have other tags? oh well lmao idc anymore #enjoy ladies nd gaydies read hlfx before reading this!! spoilers my friends

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coffeecrusadeclub · 6 years ago

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Too late? Pt 2/2

*fluff*

TJs POV:

"Im not Jealous"

"Well then whats youre problem TJ!"

"It doesn't matter anymore"

"Why not?"

"Because I was too late"

"For what?"

"To talk to you"

"What?"

"I wanted to talk to you last night and I was too late" my tone had softened quite a bit and I felt Cyrus staring at me. I went to take a drink and Cyrus took the bottle out of my hand.

"What the hell dude? Give that back"

"Youve had enough. What were you going to tell me last night"

"It doesnt matter because I already know what response I would've gotten"

"And how do you know what I would've said"

"Because of what you were doing. If I hadn't walked in you wouldve-"

I sighed and put my head in my hands.

"I would've come to my senses and stopped him before it went too far"

"I have a hard time believing that. You were both really into it" i rubbed my face as if I could erase the memories of last night from my head.

"TJ I wouldnt have done anything. I want my first time to be with someone a lot more special than some guy I knew for half an hour"

"Youre first time- youve never-"

"You sound shocked. As awkward as I am you really think Ive ever done that?"

I felt my face turn red and reached for my drink that Cyrus had placed on my side table

"Leave it"

"Youre not my mom"

"I never claimed to be. I claim to be your friend who cares about you and wants you to stop before it becomes a real problem"

He sat on the bed in front of me he felt so close I could feel his breath on my face.

"TJ what did you want to happen last night? What were you going to tell me?"

I felt my heart beating so fast it felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. "What did I want to happen last night?"

"Thats what I asked, yes"

I was more tipsy than I thought I was and without even the slightest hesitation, I had closed the gap between us and put my hand on his face, holding him gently. Apart of me expected him to pull away but instead, he put his hand on my wrist and kissed back. It was more intoxicating than any kind of liquor out there. I pulled away slowly, stopping myself before I went to far.

"TJ..." Cyrus sounded out of breath and i felt panic coursing through my veins did I really just do that

"Im sorry I acted on impulse I-" Cyrus cut me off, this time it was him closing the gap. I leaned backwards against the backboard of my bed neither of us breaking the kiss. Cyrus was ontop of me and i stopped remembering what he said about not having his first time yet.

"Whats wrong"

"We can't- you said your first time is meant to be special."

Cyrus got off of me and sighed

"Im sorry I got carried away"

"No -no dont be sorry. But I dont want to ruin that moment for you"

"TJ what were you going to tell me last night?"

I looked at him, trying to figure out what to say. It wasnt as easy as I thought it was going to be.

"That-That Im in love with you.. That Ive been in love with you for longer than I could remember"

Cyrus smiled at me, turning a light shade of pink. I was probably firetruck red at this point

"I love you too"

"Wh-what?"

"TJ you are so oblivious sometimes. Im in love with you but we both know I'd never have the guts to say it first. Ive spent years wishing you'd say it, believing that you never would"

I smiled at him "So Mr. Goodman..... I have a question for you"

"And that is?"

"Are you free Saturday night?"

"For you? Most definitely"

Cyrus smirked and leaned back in kissing me again.

"Id say this is a pretty special moment Kippen"

I laughed softly as I kissed him

"Not yet. We havent even gone on our first date yet" We both continued to kiss and suddenly my door swung open followed by the crash of Amber hitting the floor.

We looked over at Amber who was face down on the floor. She sat up bright red.

"You guys were yelling and then it got quiet. I wanted to know what was happening. I couldnt hear from downstairs when you were being quiet"

I laughed and threw a pillow at her

"Ya ruined the moment" I kept laughing as Amber continued to turn redder.

"Hey I have to get going. See you Saturday?"

"I'll pick you up at 7." I winked at him and he kissed me before heading out the door. I smiled at him as he walked out.

"The twinkle in youre eyes is back" Amber smiled and sat at the foot of my bed.

I laughed "you killed the momet!" I hit her playfully with a pillow.

"So? Tell me everything! What were you guys doing whyd it go completely silent for so long? Like there were three periods of silence-"

"Well the first silence happened when he asked me what I wanted to happen last night. I kissed him. Then i stopped and started panicking and then he started kissing me and we almost...." i trailed off

"OH MY GOD NO U DIDNT"

"No we didnt! Did it look like we had? I wanted his first time to be special"

"What a romantic." She mocked "What about the last one?"

"Thats the one you ruined" i laughed and she turned red again

"Oh yeah.."

"I need water for my hangover and food to prevent the worse one thats on its way."

"I'll go get ready. We'll go to Dennys. Fix yourself up"

I smiled at her grateful that she made me talk to Cyrus

"Hey Amber?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you"

"For what?"

"For making me talk to him"

"What are big sisters for?"

"Youre older by 10 minutes!!!!"

She laughed "Most boring 10 minutes of my life" she smiled and walked across the hall to her room. I was glad to have a sister that cared about me as much as she did

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