#this does not mean you can't message me!
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me lurking on the dash liking people's posts instead of responding to messages/even reading messages because i am (insert that scene of cas in supernatural "i got this" tries to break through a door eventually gives up "i don't got this")
#; outofsmoke#this does not mean you can't message me!#i don't feel any obligation to reply fast so no worries#i just THOUGHT i would have like over nine thousand roleplay blog productivity this month#i still might who knows but uhm#i was in bed for nearly 24 hours#edit: i am fine also no need to worry#now i am going to eat so much bread
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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Y'all, it's 2023. Can we please stop pretending it's cool to hate on Dear Evan Hansen?
#it's totally fine if you don't like it but that doesn't put you above anyone who does#and just because you used to like it when you were younger and less mature doesn't mean that those who still like it are young and immature#and regardless of your opinion deh was a groundbreaking musical that helped destigmatize mental health struggles for an entire generation#that's pretty freaking cool if you ask me#this post applies to literally everything else too btw#it's not cool to hate on anything#why waste your energy griping about things you don't like when you can spend it gushing about things that bring you joy?#full transparency: I love deh. the music is gorgeous the complexity of the story is fascinating and the overall message is beautiful#also I'm talking about the musical. I can't comment on the movie or the novel because I haven't seen/read them.#dear evan hansen#deh#musical#musicals#theatre#broadway#my opinion#rant#food for thought#mini rant#musical theatre
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friendly reminder that self harm is lying to you
#the worst is when it promises you'll feel better and then you simply. do not. you feel worse and then you want to harm again bc surely that#will make you feel better right? THAT WOULD BE A NO. IT DOES NOT.#anyway today i went to spotlight cause i was sad cause i got the result for my 35% assignment i really struggled with. 32.5%. failure.#and at spotlight i made the foolish error of buying without knowing price. but like who makes a book a normal softcover crochet pattern boo#$55?! anyway it's a lovely book and am excited to try a few of teh patterns but the guilt is eating me alive#and also im super stressed about the assignment i have to turn in on thursday and haven't started#anyway i was literally four and a half hours away from being seven days clean#and i am just so sad right now#and i reopened one of the scars on my wrist too while on shift this morning so that's fun#not badly but it's just gonna mean it scars even more isn't it because of course#i was feeling incredibly awful for some reason i can't even remember and i kinda clawed up my arms. and no i don't count that as#breaking my streak bc it didn't cause much damage#i just. placement is so wonderful but life is so so hard#i don't know i want a hug and the assignment done and everything bad unmade#and the scars i have to look at every day on placement gone.#i want to talk to s but i haven't responded to her last message and i don't know how to respond but i need to respond to that#:((#honestly actually i think i want to talk to aunty. friend's mum. in person. and get a hug. i want a hug.#im just. So Sad. and i want my brother and Ransom and this is not helpinga nd i don't know what would if anything
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hey. hope this message doesn't bother you. I love you. I love your work. you are one of my favorite fic authors, I am absolutely obsessed with everything you write. reread everything ten times over, drarry or not, fluffy or angsty - even when it absolutely shatters my heart (e.g. for lack of wanting, SUCH a great fic btw i'm so obsessed with it). the four doors? life changing. two to lie and one to listen? engraved into my brain for eternity. what's mine is yours? what a ride holy shit, im VERY normal about it. wrapped? my comfort read. and so it goes.
if I could aggressively smother you with kudos and love I WOULD!!!
awhile ago you said that there's no such thing as "big deals" in fandom and I 100% agree but at the same time you are a big deal TO ME!!! not in the sense of any kind of hierarchy but purely based on the fact that I think you are such a cool person and your writing is amazing and poignant and your presence in fandom makes it so much better. it's been a pleasure following you here on tumblr and just reading your tags and posts.
idk I just think you rule. that's it. thank you for hanging with us. MWAH 💛
ahhhh anon sorry for leaving this message sitting in my inbox for a couple of days but !! i have zero idea how to react to this!! you're so kind!! thank you!! please discard any and all inclinations u have that i am a cool person bc i can assure you i am NOT!!
#tumblr tag essay time? tumblr tag essay time#why can't i do this in the main body of a post u ask? pure obnoxiousness ig idk#scarier when it's not greyed out and in a little whisper innit#1) anon i love and appreciate you + your kind words so so much but i rly cannot stress enough that literally nobody here is a big deal 😭#like i know u don't mean it in That Way but even so!!!#this is a hill i could write another 1k words about before i die on it again but i will spare u 😅#2) ur also v v kind to say the thing abt my presence in fandom#but unfortunately i'm coming to terms with the fact that my presence in fandom is v much on the sidelines#a non-presence#i'm embracing my role as the crotchety old hag who does not attend the functions#i have a hut in the woods and u can find me there (here in tumblr tags) muttering to myself#occasionally i'll wander into the town square (ao3) and present an unnerving thing i made from mud and twigs (a fic) and then i'll fuck off#that's about all i can handle in terms of group settings i think 😅#but the door to my hut (my DMs) is always open if u want to stop by!#3) i can't even begin to acknowledge all the nice things u said about my fics kjhsdf you are truly too generous 😭#let me smother YOU with love!!! cmere!!!#4) this is the second nice anon message i've had in the last couple weeks which is !!!!#anon(s) i'm kissing you wherever u consent to be kissed!!!#but ofc now i'm paranoid ppl will think i'm sending these to myself skdljf#can't stress enough how open my DMs are on here/twt/discord if ever u wanna chat in a way that i don't have to post publicly to reply to 😅#5) i'm soooo sorry about these tags#could have just said “thanks!” couldn't i#please put me right in the bin#anyway sorry again thank you again ilu very much ❤️
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Conversation with a friend the other day led to some thinky thoughts but like
I've been plagiarized a few times now. And man, it... It always sucks, don't get me wrong.
But I find it so bizarre and baffling how like. It'd be one thing if the culprits quietly panicked and took down the copy-pasted fics. Even if I never got an apology, it'd be like "Okay, they knew they fucked up. They're panicked now and took it down. Alright, that's the end of it."
But I'm two for two now for someone being confronted with the evidence of it, and when they take it down they go full ham with insistence that "I didn't copy you! It just looks a little similar!" and "Fine, I'll take it down if it'll make you feel better." And then they go on their profiles or the fic in question and rant about "a troll" who accused them of plagiarism, which they totally are not, GOD, and both times I got blocked??
It's just such a funny case of "I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot but it's weird it happened twice."
#both times the author was old enough to know better of course#the one thing that does sadden me is in the most recent case I had to block two regular reviewers of mine#because when the plagiarist made an Ao3 update showing my message to them and yelling how I was being mean#the two of them said 'oh I'm an English Major and I know plagiarism and that wasn't it' and 'I can't believe how mean! You aren't a copier!#which. wow. damn you guys really?#anyway not MAD or SAD or anything just a really odd thing I noticed
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#getting a birthday message from him at midnight made me really happy#especially because i told him my birthday weeks ago and he remembered#and he said 'ich hab dich lieb' 😧 i'm gonna pass out#(to all my english speaking friends this does not mean i love you we're not at that point yet lmfao)#i hate my birthday but this might be the best birthday ever#i like him so much it's a little terrifying#i really need to go to sleep but man i can't stop smiling 🙈#i will probably see him this weekend maybe even earlier he finally has a few days off and i'm very nervous but also very excited
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Me panicking because i have 9 missed calls and 5 emails talking about my absence and how "a colleague could take over for me" vs. Me knowing it's really not that important no matter how pushy a client is and that on top of it I'm underpaid and have way to much overtime so i shouldn't even care
#i have 14 hours overtime#collected within 2 weeks lol#you know how it's apparently mandatory for companies in germany to have a way track employees working time? yeah we're#the only company in the whole fucking country who doesn't do that (obviously that's not true there's probably plenty more but it's#still not right.) so we don't get paid overtime nor does it get acknowledged in any way#so technically we're not allowed to even it out (which most people try to do anyway because tf do they think they are asking us to work for#free) but I'm dedicated to not collect any more unpaid working hours so i take the liberty to leave work early this week#so today i left at 12pm (and then got home 4 hours later because another person decided to kill themselves by train. they should call me#first. or anyone else taking the train. I'm sure there'd be plenty of volunteers to do the killing if it means not another miserable day#stuck in a disgusting train). and i logged in again at 6pm today to see if i have anything important messages (stupid i know)#and i saw the missed calls and that there had been an email exchange with me in the cc talking about the 'changes' made in one of the#articles and that someone else could do that for me since i couldn't be reached and at first i felt ashamed and scared#but now it's honestly just pissing me off. that asshole can't write emails and communicate requests like normal people can he#he already called me last week about something completely stupid and acts like his matters are the most important shit in the world#fuck you if you can't wait one day you should have sent this a month earlier because i won't stay online everyday#just to see if there might be an 'important' change you want me to make Immediately. bitch.#also missed two calls from my colleague but she didn't send any messages about what she wanted so i asked her because i felt bad for not#being online and turns out she wanted Nothing. just hear how i was. JUST TEXT ME THEN???? I HATE IT HERE FUCK YOU#seriously i don't get paid enough for this to bother me so much. she probably gets 12-15€ more than me per hour#of course she doesn't care about her overtime as much as i do. i get minimum wage which is less than what I'd get if i still worked at uni#as a student assistant so fuck this shit it's really not important or worth it. from now on i'll only put in minimum effort too#sorry got carried away. rant over now i guess#void screams#work stuff
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I'm too autistic for this shit
#if you're deleting the message then im pretending I didn't read it#“you better come sleep w me”#WHAT DOES THAT MEAN SIR#SIR CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS 😭😭???#im just that irresistible#😁☝️
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really hate to say it because i do hate posting on facebook so so much and have not done so in years but literally within a couple hours of making a stupid post in a county rentals group i have gotten multiple tips and inquiries about places to live. goddammit
#have already talked to one that would have involved doing mini horse care in exchange for rent discount which would have been nice#but she seems to want a really strict feeding schedule which my work does not accommodate and her (multiple) posts about the place seemed to#indicate she only wanted 4 days a week and now she's acting like i would have to be available to do all of it for when they're on vacation#(retired) so it can't work? i think it's kind of silly to be super strict about your horses feeding time for multiple reasons but#none of my business and if you have that much of a stick up your ass i probably would not love living there anyway#but she hasn't responded to my last message yet probably because it's late so maybe she will come back and clarify. but besides that there#are a couple other places i got messages from too that sound promising#this does mean i have to spend my day off tomorrow talking to people which is horrible but needs must#me
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Fucked around (tried to find the non existent archived chat log on FB messenger with my ex) and found out (why did I do that)
#The fact that it isn't in the archive is still strange to me#Like.even if he blocked me and deleted his account#Surely it usually comes up as 'fb user' and 'you can't message them'#I'm sure I didn't delete the chat log myself intentionally anyway#Maybe it's for the best#Still have to scratch the itch every once in a while#It hasn't hurt as badly recently which is good#But that just means it's into the new stage#Of well and truly 'after'#Which.#I never expected#Dating someone new in the full normie sense at the moment which is brand new#And it does help#BC I do feel like most of the lingering grief is just that I didn't have anyone else to focus on besides the past#But requiring the presence of others to make it hurt less doesn't feel secure or stable#Esp while it's so new#I've made friends recently but it's literally only been a month#Shiny new life stage#Hopefully#Gotta try not to break anything#Which will be hard#How do you date with the intention of taking it seriously while also protecting yourself from it not working out#My life#My posts#Using Tumblr as a diary#BC my last actual diary entry was a full 2 years ago and about when he started getting my hopes up again#Which is a well closed chapter now#As of like. Presumably October?#Oh yeah that's why I found out the chat log was gone originally#I was trying to work out when he last came over
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Got a paramount+ trial subscription. Just finished watching all of Strange New Worlds (review: solid star trek shenanigans, pretty much all bangers with the exception of the Spock-is-human episode which just suuuuuucked and the Klingon war trauma episode about which I have let's say Philosophical Reservations in that it could have been more Space M*A*S*H. not as gay as I was promised, in fact I would say disappointingly heterosexual. adore uhura, hemmer and la'an. cannot believe they gorned my boy 😢)
Off sick all week with COVID can't really do anything except lie around and watch TV.
#red said#an addendum to the snw review is like#bearing in mind I'm a big time ds9 guy#i really like every episode of this i think it's fun and delightful. however there are certain philosophical undercurrents I'm#at best kind of iffy on. wrt militarism.#there's points where it feels sort of like the message of the show is that it's naive and harmful to seek peace#or reconciliation#and i think that if i hold it up to tng or ds9 or even tos on that front that's a philosophy that doesn't match up with what i like in trek#like both ds9 and tng are very much about commanders doing extrajudicial war crimes but there's something about the framing#i guess like. it feels To Me like when sisko does a war crimes it weighs very heavily on him#whereas idk. it feels like the message of all the time shenanigans in snw keep coming round to You Should Feel Bad For Not Doing War Crimes#and particularly the arc with Pike staring down his fate concluding with 'you shouldn't try to change this'#compared to like. the foundation of Star Trek being 'in between two unacceptable solutions you have to look for a third way'#it sits a bit wrong for me. like. maybe they're planning more on that but it feels like they've concluded that arc with#'guess i have to let people die to prevent a future where i try to make peace then fuck it up'#like the message of season 1 is You Can't Change Your Fate which is. a weirdly doomery one.#don't get me wrong I've really been enjoying snw i think it's probably the most flat out Good Star Trek since DS9#buuuuuuuut. i have Reservations. as i always do.#also callout post for my pal saying this is the gayest star trek. there's no fucking gays here and the nonbinary character is a 1-ep villain#i mean ortega is for sure a dyke but not explicitly#2 seconds of Andrew Robinson and Alexander Siddig sharing the screen in DS9 is gayer than this whole season and a half of SNW#literally are ANY of this cast canon queer? feel like there's a couple of lines of throwaway bisexuality but be real#we had that in the 90s#it's not toppling DS9 for gay rep any time soon and DS9 was made in the era where you weren't ALLOWED to be gay on star trek#(unless you were evil or a worm)
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if I put ten as gale weathers does that mean I get to have tentoo has my favorite girl jennifer? ...giggling
#guess who recently did another scream marathon#gale^2 I love u best dynamic in this whole stupid franchise <3#I couldn't stop thinking about a ghostface ten but then. but then#genius struck me#cackling to myself over here#this post is for ME and ME ALONE#if I actually did a dw scream au the doctors would be ghostface. duh. but I thought this was too funny to ignore#(tho I can't lie. can you IMAGINE tongue-tipped smile rose tyler as a ghostface? whooo)#(or maybe poor martha jones who'd dealt with a bit too much bullshit? a donna noble simply bored of life?)#(maybe the companions SHOULD be ghostface)#((ohhhh... does that make ten good ol' sidney?))#I'm not even tagging this properly if you find this without being one of my mutuals. I mean. idk man#hope u can see the vision then I suppose#—:*after these messages we'll be righttttt back*:—
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to the recent anon
#thank you !!#i appreciate it and it means a lot.. and i definitely agree with you#i can't say a lot except thank you for sticking around and reaching out it genuinely does mean the world to me#and your message was all good !! feel free to use a translator anytime. i love you <3#actually that goes to most anons who sent a message the past few days ty!!
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If you don't like my edits or have any issues with my blog just unfollow me & DNI with me or my blog/posts. I really do not need the negativity.
#personal#if you think my stuff sucks no one is making you follow me or reblog anything from me#or interact with my posts why can't you just scroll past them#there's no reason to be mean why can't people just ignore stuff they don't like why does anyone think it's ok send rude messages ??
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I've spent quite a lot of time and energy preparing not to miss you one day... Only to realize that this might have been wasted.
What if you would really choose to be part of my life even if you didn't have to.
#infp#my millennial therapist#in our last appointment we talked about having mutuals in real life#and I'm really surrounded by people who I can't talk to#so he said 'but you have me... and maybe we'll be friends after that... I could imagine this'#I hope he understood the smile and the wiping away of a tear#I spent so much time telling myself that it's not real#it's transference and it's doesn't really mean anything#and in the end we have to admit that we just enjoy each other's company even without any context#and that writing Signal messages on weekends about vegan food does probably not fit in any context of therapy#I'm a bit scared#but I'll just begin with not putting everything in the transference concept#and just trust in the fact that we really are at same wavelength#transference#22-11-25
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