#this disorder is gonna kill me someday i swear

[anxiousheart4]

Alone.. Again..

So I seemed to have started a pattern. When I write my blog posts, I write them in my notebook on my phone and then copy them and post them on here. But I seem to have started a pattern where I write the post and then get side tracked before I post them on here and never post them. I am going to try and stop that. But for now, I am going to just post all of them tonight. They might be a little repetitive, my biggest problem that causes all of my stress is my parents, I am never gonna be good enough for them, and I have accepted that, but I cant seem to make myself not care that I will always be a disappointment to my parents. It doesn’t help that my dad has anger management problems and depression and won’t admit it or seek help, and he won’t even try to understand it or me. So whenever I start to have anxiety over my parents disappointment in me, my dad just assumes I’m lazy and making excuses, and then he starts flying off the handle making me want to kill myself. 

I try not to regret choices I made in the past, at least not big ones, and they’re are things that if I had the chance to redo, I would do differently, but life doesn’t work that way, so I try to not regret things in my past. I don’t even regret when I started to cut, and when I decided to keep cutting for years; because despite the fact that I still live with and fight the urges everyday; it is apart of who I am, and made me into the person I am today (despite all my problems). But the one thing I really do regret is majoring in Business in college; because now all my parents can focus on is how I am not living the life I went to college for, even though, I never majored in business to rot behind a desk all day, and work at some boring business job. I majored in business because in high school someone told me that having a business major and music minor would get me into the music business, and that’s what I wanted to do. But now my parents don’t care about what I want, it’s all what they want for me and they’re plan. 

So yeah, that my life and I swear probably like 75% of my stress and anxiety. So sorry if the next couple posts are repetitive, but I’ve been dealing with that lately. Not that I have many followers that read this, but as much as I hope someday my words can help someone else, I am writing as an outlet for myself so hopefully I don’t start cutting again, or worse. And I may write more the next month, cause one of my best friends who I talk to about most of this, is spending the next 30 days in rehab. Not because shes an addict or needs it, but because her family has never understood her anxiety, and now that she’s been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, they understand her even less; and instead of her letting her figure out her med’s, they’re sending her to a “wellness program” to figure it out so they don’t have to deal with it. The only other 2 friends I feel I can talk too, 1 is in LA and I don’t have the opportunity to talk to much, and the other is getting married next year, and I don’t want to stress her out, with my psycho drama while she’s struggling with anxiety over all the wedding details. So for the next 30 days, I’m alone. again. that’s my life.