anxiousheart4

[anxiousheart4]

I support BLM 100%, actually 1000%.

Protesters have a right to protest, and people of color deserve the change they are fighting for and I will NEVER speak out against that, because it’s something that should have changed a long time ago. Hell, it’s something that should never have been a thing in the first place. Now we can’t change the past, but they deserve the future.

But all this damage being done all over the world by people that are just using the protests as cover to wreck havoc, makes me sick. It takes away from this great movement that deserves a future. (Well obviously, I’d love for the BLM movement to be able to move on to something else because they got the changes they were fighting for, but as much as I wish the world could change over night, I know this fight is far from over).

I don’t live in Kenosha anymore, but I called it home for 5 years in college, and I still love and miss it. And the pictures I’ve seen of the damage, I hardly recognize it anymore, it doesn’t look like the city I spent so much time in and that just makes me sad. 😢

A friend of mine from college who still lives in Kenosha, shared this. And I just think it’s so powerful and well written and the message needs to be heard.

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I have not spoken out about anything because I was hoping things would de-escalate. There are so many things I am feeling and am having a difficult time expressing. Let me be clear: I am behind the Black Lives Matter movement 100%. I am devastated with what has happened to this community. I have watched this unfold all over the nation and have been scared that this would migrate this way and it has. I am so angry that people are using the Black Lives Matter movement as a shield for their selfish, destructive behavior. This movement is so crucial right now for our nation. These concerns need to be heard and addressed and innocent black lives need to stop being taken. Voices must be heard and changes made. But know, when it is being said that those burning down our city are BLM activists please know it is not true! The BLM movement is peaceful.

When the first protest took place here, I'll admit I was nervous it could turn violent through instigation, but the leaders of the protest kept everything relatively under control and were able to de-escalate situations as they arose. But overall very little damage was sustained and those dedicated to the BLM movement kept their message heard above those trying to incite violence.

I know everyone will say I'm buying into conspiracy theory when I say that the people causing the issues are not Kenosha residents and are being shipped in from other states. It's true. Yesterday when my business was being boarded up by some of the most selfless, caring people I've ever met, I saw the white supremacy signs, stickers and flags that were casing our downtown area. I've lived here since 2007 and have NEVER felt unsafe like I did yesterday. The atmosphere shifted from one of love and community to tension and threats. It was awful. We saw people driving slowly around downtown checking to see what was boarded, what wasn't, etc, essentially casing the area. It disgusted and terrified me.

Then we found out that those inciting the violence were not from Kenosha. There was a caravan of 100 cars with blacked out license plates that came from out of town and 6 busloads (yes I said busloads) of people that came in from Minneapolis. The National Guard told the city they would be here at 3 pm. They didn't show up until after 10 pm when things were already out of hand. Last night the businesses that were attacked downtown have residential apartments above them, so we now have people who have now lost their homes. They then moved to Uptown and burned it to the ground. An older gentlemen watched his business get set on fire and began to try to use a fire extinguisher to put it out. One of the people who set it attacked him by punching him in the head and nearly killed him, but told him that he was to let it burn because it was deserved. Downtown is now full of graffiti, including Reuther High School.

I can't express enough how much my heart aches for our community and our country. This is not protesting. It is destruction for the sake of destruction and trying to blame this violence on people that are not responsible for it. I know this opinion is probably not popular, but this is my home. I know the people here. They have the right to be angry and are exercising their right of free speech to make our community a better one. But there are those using it solely as an opportunity to turn our eyes from the injustices happening.

Today when I woke up, Uptown was still on fire. They couldn't keep up last night. A friend of ours is spending today cleaning up his grandfather's storage unit that was set on fire and is a total loss. We watched a business that has sat on the corner here in Kenosha for decades slowly collapse in on itself and be utterly destroyed. We have been informed that tonight is going to be even worse because by 12 today more buses will be arriving from California and New York. They have stated that their targets today are schools and libraries. Let that sink in. Schools and libraries.

I am exhausted. I am scared. Our community is exhausted and scared. After one week of being in business I now have had to shut down and board up to keep my students safe and may have to leave town to keep my family safe because the fires are moving towards my house and we live by a school which is now apparently a target. Make no mistake; I do not want to leave. This is my home. There is so much beauty and love here. And it is being destroyed by people who do not live here and do not care what destruction they cause.

The final nail in the coffin for me was when I turned on the news this morning. When Minneapolis was going through riots, the national stations showed it and very little of anything else. Today they are dissecting the Republican speeches from last night and reporting on the movement of the hurricane. There was one small blurb on Kenosha, but that's it.

I would like to end with the following thought: this could have been your community. This could have been your friends and your neighbors. This could have been you. And it still could be with all the things circulating throughout this nation. Please. Love instead of hate. Recognize and address injustice without harming others. Remember we are all accountable for our actions. Please pray for Kenosha.

[anxiousheart4]

Love is Scary...

I know it’s been a while. I’ve been seeing a therapist (well talking to one because of COVID), and I think talking about my feelings with them, just makes me want to escape them the rest of the week. Who am I kidding, I’ve always tried to escape my feelings. I started this blog to help me  stop doing that. But when faced with another option (and the fact that cause of COVID, my life is the same day by day), I seemed to back away from this one. But I am trying to work on that, cause it’s good to put my thoughts out there so they don’t fester. Nothing much has changed in my life, still dealing with my grandma everyday, although now the state is paying me to take care of her, so that’s good. I’ve been playing a lot of video games lately; mostly LEGO Harry Potter and LEGO Star Wars, it’s just so nice to go through each level and destroy everything, it’s therapeutic. It’s been keeping me relatively sane. My best friend moved to Florida a couple weeks ago. I am so happy for her, she’s wanted to move there for so long, and she got a new job, and her and her husband bought their first house, and celebrated their first wedding anniversary. It’s all happening for her, and I am so proud of her and happy for her. But I miss her, we didn’t get to see each other very often before she moved, and honestly I’ve only seen her like twice this year because of COVID, but knowing she’s thousands of miles away, and we won’t be able to hang out and have wine nights and talk about our lives. It just makes me sad. I have 3 best friends; who are also like the only real friends I have; and now one is in Florida, one is in California, and one is in the same state as me but about an hour away (and I’ve also only seen her twice this year), so not the easiest to hang out with cause she works a lot and I’m taking care of my grandma, and since there’s an hour between us, we can’t just hang for an hour after work or anything. It is absolutely amazing when we hang out, we have so much fun! I just wish we lived a little closer and could hang out more. Anyways... What I really want to write about right now is love. Love is scary, but if also seems like the most amazing feeling in the world! I would love to fall in love and lose myself in someone else. Everyone tells me to put myself out there, get on a dating site. But it’s not that simple for me. Meeting someone offline seriously heightens my anxiety. For sooo many reasons (some stupid, like what if he’s a serial killer? Lol I watch too many crime shows), but the main one is my self esteem. I have VERY low self esteem; growing up with everyone telling me how I can be better, can do that to a girl, but also, I’m 30 years old, and have never actually been asked out on a date, and the only guys that hit on me at bars are creepy 60 year olds and creepy drunk guys who think I’m like almost twice my age (like he thought I was 40, when I was 22). No one who actually is dateable ever hits on me at bars. And then on top of that, when I actually get up the nerves to tell a crush how I feel, they like blow me off or start talking about how they like this other girl! How am I supposed to not have low self esteem?! I read all these romance novels and while I’m reading them, I just fall in love with their story, the romance, the joy, them fighting their feelings but ultimately meant to be together. I’ve always wanted something like that. And I know believing in a fairy tale isn’t realistic, and I know it’ll never happen for me. But as I’m reading the stories I can’t help but imagine me being the girl who falls in love in the story and gets her happy ending. But then I finish the book, and they got their happy ending, and the story is over. I’m left with this gnawing feeling, this depression, that I’ll never have that, and all I want to do is cry myself to sleep. That’s why I’m writing this at 4am instead of sleeping, cause I just finished a book, and now I want to cry myself to sleep (plus I’ve been having trouble sleeping the past couple weeks). I tell everyone that I don’t want a boyfriend right now cause how can I ask someone else to love me when I don’t love me? And it’s solid logic, and very true; the reasonable part of me knows that’s what I should be doing. But the truth is I want to fall in love so badly! I want to feel the love, and have a guy who only has eyes for me, and lifts me up when I’m down. I want a guy that I always want to be around, and gives me butterflies when he looks in my eyes and kisses me. I want all of that. And then I look at myself in the mirror. Who could ever love me? I’m fat and fluffy, I’m out of shape, I’m a picky eater and pretty much only eat junk food, chicken, rice, and pasta. I’m stubborn and have a terrible memory, I have trouble opening up to people and trusting people. I can be rude and lazy, hate to work, don’t know what I want to do with my life, I’m broke and have no ambition. I’m very shy and have social anxiety, I always say the wrong things and/or say it in a way that comes out terrible even though I don’t mean it that way, so I’m always afraid to talk; and honestly I think people forget I’m there half the time, even my own family. I like to think I’m not, but I can be very materialistic (not in an bad obsessive way though), and selfish, and care too much about looks and what other people think.  I’m a loner, I’m a weirdo, I’m not beautiful, I don’t even know if I want to have kids, lately I’m leaning towards no, I don’t even know how to really kiss a guy anyways, and that and everything else scares the shit out of me, cause it’s just more stuff I’d be disappointing in. I have an obsessive personality, and although I’d like to think I wouldn’t be clingy, needy, or jealous; I actually have no idea what I’d be like in a relationship, so I possibly would be all those. Especially since I have trouble making and keeping friends and am always alone even when I don’t want to be, and when I’m not alone, I feel alone anyways, cause no one pays attention to me, I’m just like a fly on a wall. So I’d probably be clingy or needy cause I don’t want to be alone, and I’d probably be jealous, cause I wouldn’t trust anyone not to want more then me cause everyone deserves better then me. My grammar is the worst, and I don’t know a lot of big words or how to spell them, I’m not smart. I have no faith in my ability to do anything and I usually think everyone would be better off without me, but I’m too scared to actually kill myself, though I do imagine accidents happening. I say I would take a bullet for the ones that I love, but honestly if that moment ever came around I would be too scared to even move, I’m a fucking coward. And that is way too long a list of all my flaws, and I could probably keep going on and on and on. I AM A MESS! And who could ever fucking love this mess of a bitch? So as much as I want the happy ending, the love story, the fairy tale, or just a fucking boyfriend. It’s just not in the cards for me. At least not right now, and probably not ever. I was born alone, I’ll live alone, and I’ll die alone. Forever and always. 

[anxiousheart4]

Quarantine Adventures...

So I finally started seeing someone, and getting some help. Its been a long time coming! I saw a therapist for the first time today. Well, not technically, with the whole world shut down because of the Coronavirus, it was a phone session, and next week it’ll be a video session; and I am perfectly fine with that. Now she didn’t tell me anything I didn't already know, but I'd assume the first session is usually a get to know me session anyways, and help is help; so I'm grateful! On top of that, I saw a psychiatrist, and she diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. So… it’s finally official! Lol. I got a prescription for an anti-depressant and anxiety med. I started taking them 2 days ago, and I haven’t felt emotionally any different yet, which the Dr. said would take a couple weeks to kick in; but I have felt some of the side effects, particularly nausea. I just hope it doesn’t last long, and I start feeling better soon. So wish me luck! 🙂 Now I know I haven’t posted much since the quarantine started, and I really should have posted, it's been a tough couple of weeks. My Grandma’s adult daycare closed down, which I understand, but now I've been stuck in the house with her for the last 5 weeks. I love her, and I'm grateful for the time I get to spend with her. But without a break, my anxiety has been skyrocketing, I get very short with her sometimes. For about a week of this, our furnace was out, so we had no heat, and although it was fine by me, seeing as how it was spring and I was finally comfortable in the house, my Grandma didn't do so good. The house was always way too cold for her. We had a heater in the kitchen, one in her bedroom, and 2 in the living room, and she was always cold, but she kept un plugging them all!! It was making it really hard to feel bad for her being cold. And she’s gotten worse with her “wanting to die” when she gets frustrated, and it just makes me so sad! And then there’s the money problems, with the world shut down, I can’t work. Well I could, my one job is shut down, but I also drive for Uber; so I could deliver Uber eats and what not. But since I live with a 94 year old who is at very high risk, so I want to minimize my exposure so I can minimize her exposure. I’m just thankful for the stimulus check from the government, what a huge help that’s been! And if I can get my taxes back that will be even more help!! But I have watched a lot of TV! That’s my go to for keeping my grandma entertained. Lol. I’m on my 6th TV show of binge watching! And the adult daycare she normally goes to is doing 2 zoom session a day during the week of activities for them, that I make sure I set my grandma up for. And it gives me an hour break here or there (usually, unless my grandma is having a hard time and refuses to sit down). And I have my family across the street to help as much as possible, which I am so thankful for! Especially my mom, who gets calls anytime I can’t handle my grandma! lol. I just wish I could read more in this time being stuck at home, but I have to keep my grandma entertained and I can’t do that while reading. So… 😕 Another fun thing I did, me sister and I made quarantine shirts for everyone for Easter. All saying different things, like: -May the Forced Quarantine Be With You (Star Wars Baby! This was my shirt) -Straight Outta Quarantine -Quarantine and Chill -Keep Calm in Quarantine (that was my grandma’s since she needs to calm down lol) -The One Where We Ran Out Of Toilet Paper (FRIENDS! Cause hahaha, and my sister loves friends) -2020 The Year Shit Got Real #quarantined (and the 0’s in 2020 were toilet paper, and the shit was a picture of the poop emoji haha) They were just sooo much fun and we took a family photo of all of us in the shirts! 😂 Anyways, I think that’s it for today, but ill try to post more about my quarantine adventures soon…

[anxiousheart4]

Do I Deserve Love?

I just watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower again. I forgot how much that movie reminds me of my life. My feelings. Only I don’t have some big tragic event that happened in the past that makes me the way I am. I just am this way. Anyways, the big underlining theme is that “we accept the love we think we deserve.” I love that. It’s so true and such an amazing sentiment! And it explains why I’m still alone and not open to finding someone. I accept the love I think I deserve. And I don’t think I deserve love. Actually I don’t think I deserve much at all, I don’t deserve love, or a dream job, or to be skinny, or happiness. I’m so pathetic that all I think I deserve is pain and suffering. And yes, deep down I know that’s not true. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling like that. It won’t stop me from thinking that everyone would be better off without me (no this is not a suicide note, just a statement). I just wish my mind wasn’t so fucked up. When will I start feeling worthy of something good?

[anxiousheart4]

“You belong here. As you are. From wherever and whomever you came from.”

— Coco Fernandez, “Don’t Let Anyone Tell You That You Don’t Belong”

[anxiousheart4]

Time for my “date”. I still don’t feel like it’s a date, and is it bad that I’m not excited? The guy is real nice, and I consider him a friend, I just don’t think I like him that way. And again, he never actually asked me out, I never actually said yes. I’m a mess.

[anxiousheart4]

Storybook

Every story has a beginning… All my favorite stories Have a beginning, middle, and end. It’s how storybooks are made. Once Upon A Time... There was a girl, Who didn’t believe In her happy ending. That’s how my story started I don’t know how its going to end, Happily Ever After? They Fell in Love? Maybe just They Lived. Easy. Simple. Not under-rated Not too many expectations. But reading is my escape. It feeds the soul, It lets you dream, It creates magic. It allows you to live another life. A life better than your own, A life with love, happiness, A life with adventure. I've lived many lives in my books, I've dreamed, many dreams. I’ve taken many journeys, And seen a lot of magic. I don’t know how my story ends, And I’m not in a rush to finish it. Because the real magic, Lies in the pages of my storybooks.

[anxiousheart4]

Disappointed

(As promised, here’s the other poem’s I wrote.)

My life isn’t happy, Day after day, Is worse and worse, I don’t know what to do? I’m a disappointment To myself To my parents All I ever do, is disappoint. I hate myself. Who I’ve become, How I look, How I feel. Nothing ever feels right; Not day by day, Or year by year, It's all wrong. I keep thinking, one day. One day I’ll feel alive, One day I’ll be happy. But when is one day? How do I get out of this funk? How do I find happiness? Is the world just passing me by? Or am I just standing still?

[anxiousheart4]

When everything feels like it is failing, all we can do is be the proof that love can still exist

Elizabeth Wilder, “Be the Proof That Love Can Still Exist”  (via twloha)

[anxiousheart4]

I Have Issues

I’m sick of everyone telling me what I should and shouldn’t do. Did it ever occur to them that I don’t want a boyfriend right now? Or an office job? I’m a mess. And I don’t actually need a therapist, I could be a therapist, cause I know exactly what they would say. I have severe anxiety and depression to the point where I want to kill myself half the time. I have deep seeded issues, stemming from my childhood of never being good enough for even my own parents, let alone anyone else, and always feeling second best. A childhood where I felt neglected and forgotten about. These issues started as early as elementary school, and got so bad to the point that I started cutting myself on and off in jr. high all the way through high school, a habit I still struggle with today. The only time I felt peace was when I was reading or listening to music, cause I was able to escape the miserable life I lived and be someone or somewhere else for a change. But they even tried to take that away from me because I didn’t believe in god. Yet, another reason I wasn’t good enough to be their daughter, and another reason I started cutting myself again, despite having stopped myself prior to that. I look back at pictures of me in high school, and I cry, because I look good, and healthy, and skinnier, and I wanna look like that again. But you wanna know how I felt in high school? I felt like a fucking whale, fat unworthy of love. Why did I feel that way? Because my parents kept telling me that. “Don’t show your stomach, all your fats hanging out.” “You should really try to lose some weight.” Just 2 of many things I heard growing up. Also, why can’t I have grades like my sister? Or why can’t you get a job like your sister? Etc. No wonder I have issues. And they wonder why I say my sister is their favorite. I know my parents love me. But I’m just never good enough, and whenever I do something that would make them proud, somehow they find a way for it to not be good enough, and it’s almost always something that makes me truly unhappy! I don’t want a boyfriend, because I always feel unworthy of love, and not good enough for anyone. But also, I want to love myself before I try to find someone else to love me. I’ve spent my life trying to be the girl they wanted me to be, that now, at age 30, I don’t even know what I want to me. I don’t know who I am. Okay, rant over. I’ve been screaming that in my head and I just needed to get it out. 

[anxiousheart4]

“May this be a reminder that you can and will survive impossible times. Healing somehow happens. Hope and love, wonder and joy, they somehow show back up. Life is always worth living, even in the midst of pain.”

— Jamie Tworkowski, “No Holiday Can Define You”

[anxiousheart4]

I’m A Mess!

So I think I've been asked out for the first time, and I don’t know how I feel about it. Let me start from the beginning. My sister’s fiancé’s best friend, called me this afternoon and told me not to plan anything next Saturday, and I have plans. So he technically didn't ask me out, he just told me, we were. Is that how guys ask girls out these days? I know I'm new to it, 30 years old, and never been asked out, but it just seems so impersonal, and not special. Call me a romantic, but I just imagined it more special than that. What happened to the old days where people actually asked each other out properly? When romance was alive and well? Like all I said was okay, like what else was I supposed to say?  🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t know how I feel about the whole thing anyways. Everyone around me spends their time telling me everything I should do with my life. What job I should have, how I should look, and that I need a boyfriend to be complete. I’m just so sick of it! I’m a complete mess, everyone pushing me in one way, and me trying to find my own way. Its just soo much pressure, and just so much in general. I need to figure out my life before I bring someone else into my mess. Maybe if I found someone I couldn’t imagine my life without, but I can’t imagine finding that in my state of mind right now anyways.  🤦🏻‍♀️ Like I said okay, but in my mind, it still feels like its just going to be 2 friends hanging out. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. Shouldn’t I be excited?  😕

[anxiousheart4]

My Valentine’s Day Poem

My poem this year, was so hard to write. I started about 3 times, and the first 2 times, I actually started poems, that weren’t half bad, but not for Valentine’s Day. So I found my inspiration, for something else. lol. Don’t worry, I saved those, and I’m planning on finishing them later (and I’ll post them). It felt really good, I don’t remember the last time I wrote a poem outside of Valentine’s Day, it’s had to be about 5 or 6 years. I just haven't felt inspired to write. So to find that inspiration, feels real good. 🙂

Anyways, I didn’t start writing my actual Valentine’s Day poem till after 10pm, but somehow I still think it came out pretty good.

Without further ado... My Valentine’s Day Poem...

“Changes”

My mind is blank, No inspiration or spark. It could be the day, Or the feeling of despair. Whatever it is, This day makes it worse, My feelings of worthlessness, My feelings of regret. Nothing ever goes right, Nothing ever feels right, I can’t get anything right, What is wrong with me? The world keeps moving, And I keep standing still. How do I start moving Towards a better life? It's Valentine's Day again, And yet again, I'm alone. Nothing has changed in 30 years, Nothing will change in the next 30. Why do I keep expecting it to change, When it never will? Why do I keep expecting happiness, When it always alludes me? My story won’t change, Until I change it. And change gives me anxiety, So how do I overcome my demons? This Valentine’s Day, I’ve thought a lot about me, Who I am right now, And who I wanna be. It scares me. Because I don’t know What to do to fix me, Or even how to do it. Change is big, Change is scary, Change is hard, But change can be good too.

[anxiousheart4]

Anti-Valentine

Today’s Valentine’s Day. I’m obviously not a fan of this holiday. I’m 30 years old and never had a boyfriend or even been asked out of a date. So safe to say, I’ve never had a Valentine. 💔

I usually spend my Valentine’s Day watching action movies or scary (what I call scary) movies, eating an ice cream cake, and/or playing video games (usually shooting games like Left4Dead or Halo, so I can just run around shooting things). This year, I’m with my grandma, so I’m buying some sort of comfort but delicious food for dinner, I have an ice cream cake in the freezer already, and were gonna watch anything but romance movies. I’ll try to find some of my usually brand of movies, but my grandma won’t sit and watch most of them, and then I’ll be spending my night with even more anxiety and a headache. So... I’ll mix it up a bit as long as it’s not romance. 😕

The other tradition I have, is I write a poem, I’ve been writing one every year since I was 16 years old, so almost half my life. I put my feelings for the day down on paper, and I have some guidelines for it too: I can only write anything down on Valentine’s Day from midnight-midnight. If I have an idea before Valentine’s Day, I can’t write it down, I’ll have to just remember it, and if I can’t, it wasn’t that important. And visa versa, i have to finish it by midnight, I can’t make any changes after midnight. What ever I have at midnight, is what my poem is for that year, no exceptions. 🤐

I guess that’s what this blog post is about, cause I have no ideas, and the day is almost over. So maybe this is me procrastinating, or just hoping inspiration will strike while I’m writing this. Who knows. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyways, back to my feelings on Valentine’s Day.....

So far today has sucked balls, it was a tough morning with my grandma, then my car payment came out early cause of the holiday Monday, and I didn't know, so I went VERY negative cause I didn't have the money in my account, then it was a slow day at work, then I got my period, and that was all by 4pm. This day sucks normally, and adding all that on top just makes it suck more!!!  I’m over this day. I was over it at 8:30 this morning when my grandma woke me up! 

Only upside is my dad is bringing over Maggiano’s for us for dinner. Which is now, and I probably should get to working on my poem or ill never do it. But I'll post it when I'm finished. So till then…Happy Anti-Valentines Day! Lol  😂

[anxiousheart4]

“i still believe romantic love is the coolest thing that happens on this planet. i still dream of having kids someday. But i won’t believe the lies that show up in their absence. i won’t believe there must be something wrong with me. i won’t believe that everyone eventually walks away. i won’t believe the shame of past mistakes. i refuse to focus only on what’s missing.”

— Jamie Tworkowski, “No Holiday Can Define You”

[anxiousheart4]

(x)

[anxiousheart4]

Kill Me Now!

So I’ve got 2 blog posts today, cause I wrote both a couple weeks ago and never got the chance to post them. Here’s the second one: 

So quick catch up, my sister is getting kicked out of her condo cause the owner wants to sell it. And they gave her like 3 weeks to get out. So she and her fiancé are moving into my parents house, and into my bedroom. Which I do understand, cause it’s the biggest room in the house. So I have to move all my stuff out, which again I understand and am fine with. EXCEPT my sister is being a bitch about it! And making it sooo much fucking harder for me!!!! Which in turn causes my anxiety to skyrocket, and now I’m full on fucking depressed!!! My family never cares about my anxiety or depression and they never will cause they don’t understand. To them I just have anger management issues!!! So now sitting here trying to box up my life. My whole mind and body is screaming... “KILL ME NOW! And then they can just throw out all my stuff” I can’t fucking take it anymore!!!! I’m sitting here rocking back and forth listening to Disturbed because I can’t even look at one a mess the room is, I don’t know where to start, and I’d rather be dead than sitting here, in tears, unable to get my anxiety under control.