#this delightfully ridiculous man and his music have broken me

[puddlesofwords]

The Future is a Foreign Land Meta Analysis

This was super fun for me to put together. Please enjoy.

The Future is a Foreign Land has allusions to lyrics from the Dead Kennedys, classic literature, and Nazi Germany. It has a more punk aesthetic than the other Papa Nihil songs, which are focused primarily on interpersonal relationships, with a heavy dose of the ubiquitous Satanic imagery the band is known for.  Notably, Satanic imagery is virtually absent from the lyrics of TFiaFL, although interpersonal relationships do still play a role.  

So, let’s dig into the lyrics and music to see if they lead us to any ideas about the future of Ghost, or insights into how the concepts presented in this song might influence the band’s identity.  Please note that while I have researched the lore and read several histories of the band, I am fairly new to this fandom.  I am merely following leads I discovered while binge-listening to this song after seeing RHRN.  Which is to say, if any of my ideas run counter to established fandom theory, I apologize in advance. (I edited this to put in a read more... it's been a hot minute since I've used this platform and forgot my etiquette, please forgive me.)

The conceit of TFiaFL is that Papa Nihil wrote it in 1969.  Taking that into account, the year 1984 does track, mathematics-wise.  However, 1984 is a very culturally significant year.  George Orwell’s novel is immediately brought to mind, with all the baggage contained therein - Thought Police, brainwashing, Big Brother and the loss of privacy, and the fact that the main character’s job is to literally rewrite history at an organization called the Ministry of Truth.

Initially, as a US-based listener of the song, I’m jumping on the anti-fascist underpinnings of that allusion.  That line of thought isn’t wrong, per se, but I think there are factors at work that make the allusion much deeper and even more meaningful.

Since 1812 (Or 1834, depending on your source) Sweden had maintained a stance of neutrality.  This neutrality was baked into their identities - to the point that they didn’t declare for either side in World War II, the Cold War, or any other conflict.  On March 7, 2024 (ah, there’s the 2024 from the song!) Sweden joined NATO, foregoing neutrality for the first time in 200 years.  A large step - and one that was supported by 66% of the population.

Now, as someone who lives in the US, I know exactly how much power and influence 34% of the population can wield if it so chooses.  According to poll after poll, 66% of US Americans support all KINDS of initiatives that would actually make living in this country suck a lot less.  But that last 34%... well.  If you’ve followed US American politics at all in the past 8 years, you know what happened when 34% of the population lost its collective mind.  (Yup, that’s the percentage of US Americans that identify, or routinely vote, as Republican. The percentage is nearly identical to that of Democrats, so let’s not get too overwrought about things just yet.)

The interesting thing is, though, that the anti-NATO movement is supported primarily by young people.  Young people worried that joining NATO will militarize their country.  Worried that collective security does not stop conflicts and may exacerbate them.  I can’t deny that I understand where they’re coming from, that political neutrality gives more freedom of choice to the Swedish government about where and how they get involved in European affairs.  Choosing to be a part of NATO may remove some of that freedom of choice.  On the other hand, you end up selling iron ore to Nazis and training Danish troops at your airbases in the same breath, so… neutrality can also lead to hypocrisy.

But Puddles, I hear you cry, what on EARTH does this history lesson have to do with Ghost?

Well, in the absence of sympathies, won’t you hear me out? 

1969.  The year TFiaFL is supposed to have been written.  Height of the Cold War.  Sweden is still neutral - this time out of concern that if they join NATO, the USSR is going to invade them.  A not-improbable concern, given Finnish history of the era.  And closer along the timeline to 1945 than we are to 1969.  What’s the worry stated in the song?  A Brownshirt Stasi guard is knocking on your door.  A Brownshirt is, of course, one of the Sturmabteilung troops of Nazi Germany.  Stasi is a security officer of East Berlin - the Berlin of the Cold War.

Thus, if we take a small leap of logic and use a Sweden-centric worldview:  If Sweden fails to maintain neutrality, if they give up their freedom of choice, then the world falls to fascism.  (This is the first half of the first verse.  I’m sorry.  Moving on.)

Interestingly, the specific lyric ‘It’s 1984, and knocking on your door’ is a callback to the Dead Kennedys song “California Uber Alles” which was then remade by the band after the 1980 election into “We’ve Got a Bigger Problem Now.”

Those two songs studied side-by-side are a fascinating study.  The first is about the fascism of the Left - which IS A THING.  It might seem corny or sarcastic to worry about hippies becoming dictators - but the theft of choice, even if that theft feels like comfort, is still theft.  Forced conformity, even if you agree with the premise, is still fascism.

 The second song is, of course, about how everyone who wasn’t WASPy felt about the election of Reagan.  The rise of the yuppie to replace the hippie.  This is definitely more in line with what is traditionally associated with punk and rock music in general.  (I’m also a fan of the fact that “We’ve Got a Bigger Problem Now” is on an album named ‘In God We Trust’ but I think that’s just coincidence.)

To continue the lyric analysis, the song goes on to reference the Kennedys (which is a nice double-whammy - telling us that the previous line is almost certainly related to the Dead Kennedys songs, but ALSO invoking in the next breath the assassination of both John F. Kennedy and Robert F. Kennedy, which would have been contemporaneous to the storyline release date of TFiaFL, occurring in 1963 and 1968 respectively.)  As an aside, I find it hilarious that ‘the good ones get shot’ is the next lyric because there is currently ANOTHER Kennedy running for president, with the implied meaning that he’s ‘not good’ because he hasn’t been shot.  I don’t think this was intentional, it’s a very minor point in a pretty complex political landscape, but it makes me chuckle.

“For the minute it takes” in the chorus… definitely a reference to nuclear war.  The ensuing firestorm after a nuclear blast will consume a human body within moments, leaving nothing behind.  This is also likely to be a reference to the Doomsday Clock - which is currently sitting at 90 seconds to midnight, the closest it’s ever been to destruction.  Just to give some perspective - the Doomsday Clock was set to 7 minutes to midnight in 1947, right after WWII.  It was 10 minutes to midnight in 1969 and 3 minutes to midnight in 1984.  In 1991, however, the clock had been set back to 17 minutes to midnight, the furthest back it had ever been since its inception.  It has never been set back since.  More esoterically, though, it could be a reference to ts eliot’s poem “The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock.”  The line ‘in a minute there is time/for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.’ If this line is an allusion to the poem (there are other lines in other songs that make me think that ts eliot is likely one of Tobias’s poetic influences, tempered by the medium of lyric creation and music) then we can assume the piece is, indeed, referring to Sister Imperator and Papa Nihil. 

The second verse is a bit more obscure - probably because it’s dealing with an actual future prediction, as 2024 is only about half over as of the time of this writing.  There is hope in this verse, but it’s tinged with irony.  ‘The dark fascist regime might be gone’ is bittersweet - the hope of Papa Nihil looking toward the future and seeing that maybe, just maybe there’s a way to defeat fascism for good and knowing, as we do, that it didn’t come to pass and that fascism is, in fact, on the rise globally is a gut-punch.  

The next two lines are interesting.  They could be referring to Sister Imperator, continuing the subplot of their failed relationship.  They could be speaking to the audience - either in reference to some real-life transgression of the lyricist or of the lore-based transgressions of Papa Nihil. Or, perhaps this is asking to be forgiven for some future slight that will occur later.

I’m not going to lie, the bridge is weird.  It’s simultaneously finishing the thought of the previous verse but ALSO giving heavy-handed “All You Need is Love” vibes a la Beatles in 1967.  None of this is in any way meant as a criticism, however.  The bridge works musically as well as lyrically to pull the disparate lines of thought together into something coherent and hopeful.  Also of a tangential but possibly related note - “Revolution” by the Beatles was released in 1968 on The White Album.  And I can’t think of a more boot-licking rock and roll song ever to be penned.  But this is certainly a digression and probably just my brain leapfrogging onto interesting coincidences. 

Ok, fine, the song has some deep roots, but Puddles, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR THE BAND?

I’m so glad you asked.  I find that putting the two Dead Kennedys songs together paints a pretty definite picture for me, and I’m going to lay out what I think is in store based on this juxtaposition and The Future is a Foreign Land generally.

I think our next Papa is going to be a ‘teenage punk’ to put it bluntly.  Cardi was childlike - the tricycle, Papa Nihil and Sister Imperator acting as parents, his antics onstage, the bumbling charm and relative innocence of the character all read as childlike.  Charming, charismatic, certainly able to carry the title, but even the character’s backstory lends itself to a kind of childhood, with Cardi beginning as frontman without the official title of Papa Emeritus.  Cardi has grown up - and now has to face those awkward, angry, tumultuous teens.  And I think that will be reflected in a more punk-inspired sound (where Cardi’s music definitely trended toward pop-inspired).  TFiaFL gives us some of that punk-inspired flavor with the guitar riff and general vibe of the song.  I also think that this next Papa might try to dismantle the Clergy as it's a symbol of authority and conformity - the antithesis of the spirit of punk. I think we got a taste of this direction on IMPERA with the song “Twenties” - which I’ll be doing a deep dive on sooner rather than later, I’m sure.

I’m interested in, but not sold on, the idea that the next Papa will be female (either a new character or Tobias in drag - either works).  I don’t think changing the gender works with the story as I see it progressing.  I do think, however, that the next Papa will be possibly more chaotic and possibly angrier than we’ve seen - and probably more political, if the allusions in this song are any indication.  Whether that politicization is outward-facing toward the world as it is or inward-facing toward the world of the Lore, I’m not sure yet.  I look forward to the new cycle with great eagerness!

TLDR; I want the next Papa to have a mohawk and wear a ripped denim jacket for at least part of the ritual.  Thank you.

[inexplicifics]

for the WIP List thing, I'm most intrigued by the Marika and Milena ficlet for the Broken Lock AU. Anything you'd care to share about that? (If someone beat me to that one, please share something from another WIP that includes Milena)

Someone did beat you to it, so have a bit of the doc currently titled "L/A/M modern tweet inspired", in which Aiden goes head over heels pretty much immediately:

Aiden downs another drink - what, he’s not sure, but it burned beautifully going down, so it was probably expensive - and grins wildly at the bartender before slinking back out onto the dance floor. The music is good and the crowd is cheerful and the drinks are strong and cheap - he’s having a damn good night already. Most of the dance floor is full of people bumping and grinding and flailing with various levels of drunken inelegance, but there’s a cleared space right in front of the stage where half a dozen people are dancing, fancy steps and flourishes and everything. Aiden ends up on the edge of that area after a while, pretty much by accident, and his eye is caught by a couple doing a sort of bastardized tango to a song that really isn’t meant for tangoing. They’re good, though, graceful and energetic, the big redheaded man twirling his much smaller female partner out and reeling her back in again, lifting her entirely off her feet a few times; she’s laughing, head thrown back in glee, and keeping up without any trouble at all. They’re beautiful, and Aiden spends a few minutes just admiring the view; the redhead’s black shirt is gorgeously tight, and damp with sweat, clinging to his chest and back delightfully, while his dark jeans cling perfectly to his ridiculously nice ass, and the woman is wearing a crimson dress with a skirt that flares out every time she twirls, showing off pale elegant legs all the way up above the knee, and her long dark hair is braided with something sparkly. The song ends, and the redhead bends his partner back in a deep dip and kisses her thoroughly; she doesn’t even flail, trusting her weight to him without hesitation, and returns the kiss with obvious enthusiasm. Aiden sighs a little, pressing a hand to his chest; yes, he’s a romantic idiot, his brothers remind him of it regularly, but how is someone supposed to look at that and not be smitten?

[makoodlesarchive]

in bloom 🌼 || bnharem server collab

hellooo everyone!! this is my piece for the bnharem sfw collab. The theme this time was ‘flowers’! i had the absolute pleasure of writing for my baby kiri! this collab was actually super fun to write for, i had a blast 🌸🌸🌸

please go and check out all of the fantastic works on the masterlist here!

kirishima x reader

word count: 4.9k

｡ﾟ❁ུ۪ °ₒ 𓂂 ˚ 𓂂 ₒ ° ₒ 𓂂 ˚˖⋆ ｡ﾟ❁ུ۪ °ₒ 𓂂 ˚ 𓂂 ₒ ° ₒ 𓂂 ˚˖⋆

Your apartment in Musutafu is small and cramped, with thin walls and very little natural light. The rent is extortionate for what it is, even considering the location in the city centre, and at least once a month there’s a complex wide electrical blackout. You can overlook all of the faults of the apartment though, because it’s in a safe neighbourhood close to a hero agency and, most importantly, it’s got a balcony.

Like the rest of the apartment, the balcony is small, but you’ve got enough room to cram a little outdoor bench into the corner. The rest of the space is filled with planters full of flowers and leafy pants, transforming the cramped little space into your own tiny garden. As the weeks begin to melt into summer, your little garden transforms into a wildy colourful and delightfully fragranced haven for butterflies and honeybees. You love to curl up on your little bench with a book, relishing the warmth of the sun on your face and the musical buzzing of the bees flitting about your Lantana flowers. Your apartment’s location on the ground floor means that you don’t get a whole load of privacy, but it doesn’t stop you from spending as much time as possible on the balcony beneath your hanging ivy planters.

Another bonus to the ground floor balcony is the cute redhead that wanders past every day at 2pm and then again at around 9pm. You’re not entirely sure when exactly you first noticed the man, but since you’ve moved in he’s become a permanent fixture in your daily routine. In the afternoons when you take a break from working from home and sprawl out amongst the leafy greenery of the balcony, you always catch a glimpse of him. You guess he must work in one of the offices nearby, and judging by the hastily buttoned jacket and wrinkled sweatpants he changes before going on his lunch break.

Every day he walks by, and every day you see him craning his neck to catch a glimpse of your balcony. It’s not uncommon for people to stare, considering your balcony is basically a green splash amongst the dull grey drabness of your apartment building, but unlike all the other curious passers-by, whenever this guy makes eye contact with you when you’re sitting out he’ll make sure to grin widely and wave at you. It’s sweet. You know next to nothing about the guy, other than that he always seems to be in a hurry and he has a smile so bright and toothy it could probably be seen from space, but those little interactions always put you in a good mood for hours afterwards.

After countless days of waves and smiles from a distance, you look up one day to find him grinning and waving yet again, but this time with a new addition. In his hand is a little potted cactus, which he holds up in the air so you can see. 

“It’s for my office!” he yells to you. There’s a shrubbery area right outside your balcony that acts as both decoration and security to prevent anyone from just strolling up and hopping over the railing, but the guy is still standing as close as he can get on the sidewalk.

Your grin spreads slowly as you get up off your little bench and lean over the balcony railing to get a closer look at his little potted plant. “It’s cute!” you call back to him.

He beams, impossibly pleased with himself. “It’s not as impressive as yours!” he gestures at the foliage flowing over the railings and the hanging baskets.

“Everyone has to start somewhere!”

He laughs at that, his nose scrunching up just a little, and then waves at you again before setting off down the street. You watch him go until he disappears from sight, then return to your bench to continue reading. You’re so distracted by that whole little episode that it takes a few minutes for you to realise that your book is upside down.

It was such a short exchange, but after nothing but smiles and waves from afar for so long it leaves you a little dazed. You could kick yourself for not asking what his name was, but you just hadn’t had the time. Besides, you had been a little dazzled by his smile.

The man’s name is Kirishima Eijirou. Since the first day he spoke to you, you’ve bumped into him at the local supermarket several times. He’s friendly, sometimes overwhelmingly so, and really kind. He’s the perfect package wrapped up in the body of a professional cage fighter, so it’s probably inevitable that you develop a big fat crush on him. The two of you have only really exchanged basic pleasantries and small talk, but it’s enough to have your pulse skipping everytime he smiles at you.

The local flower shop is beautifully vibrant compared to the gunmetal grey skies outside, and the quiet warmth of the place makes it one of your favourite places to spend your days off. Hanging baskets full of seasonal flowers and trailing ivy are suspended from the ceiling and from high shelves, and leafy green plants create a jungle-like atmosphere within the shop. The effect is delightfully mismatched, with enormous bouquets of flowers brightening up the spaces along the walls. The high shelves and boundless foliage makes the whole place feel like a maze; you could happily lose yourself for hours upon hours within the humid little aisles.

You trace your fingers along the large waxy leaves of a monstera plant, enjoying the smooth texture. A bell tinkles overhead as the door to the shop opens and shuts, momentarily breaking the soothing blanket of quiet. You contemplate the price tag on the monstera plant; you already have one, and if you buy another you’ll be pretty hard pressed to find space for it. It is really cute though, and you’re pretty sure that if you move your ficus a little more into the left corner of your balcony you can make enough space for it.

Your thought process is broken by a noise from the top of the aisle, and you glance up to meet the gaze of a surprised yet familiar man.. “Oh! Kirishima-san.” you say at the same time as he blurts “Hi!”

Before you can say anything else, his face splits into a smile. “Aw man, I can’t believe you’re here! This is perfect!”

You laugh a little nervously. “Huh?”

“I was hoping to get a new plant for my office! Could you help me pick one out?”

“Oh.” you blink, a little overwhelmed by his exuberance and the way his eyes crinkle up when he smiles, “I don’t work here.”

He laughs like you’ve just told a really funny joke, and moves to meet you in the middle of the aisle. “Yeah, I know. I’m just guessing that you know your stuff about plants -- your balcony is so awesome.”

“Oh.” you say again, straightening a little despite yourself. You feel ridiculously pleased, probably more than such a simple comment warrants. “Thank you. I worked hard on it.”

“It really shows!” he enthuses. “It actually inspired me to spruce up my office a bit, actually!”

“Really?” you ask, leaning back against one of the shelves. A frond-like leaf tickles the back of your neck, but you don’t bother swatting it away. You think that the two of you might be the only two customers in the shop at this time, and your conversation seems so loud in the relative silence. Somewhere near the back an electric fan buzzes, the noise breaking up the monotonous quiet so it doesn’t seem quite so oppressive. 

“Yeah! So, will you give me a hand?” he tilts his head as he asks, and you realise that his shoulders have dropped down, as if he’s trying to make himself appear smaller. “My friend thinks it’s stupid, but I’m determined to have the nicest desk in the whole building!”

You smile despite yourself, his good humour infectious. “Yeah, okay. Are you looking for something in particular?”

Kirishima steps back and regards the surrounding display cases thoughtfully. “Um. Honestly, I don’t know much about plants. I have my little cactus, but it’d be nice to get it a friend, right? I’m happy to go with whatever you think is best!”

You hum, considering your options. If it’s a small office desk he’s hoping to decorate, you suppose a couple of small succulents could do a nice job of adding a bit of life and colour. “I’m sure we can find something.”

“I’ll leave myself in your capable hands, then.” Kirishima says with a grin, inclining his head a little.

You step further into the shop, ducking under a trailing strand of ivy leaves. The dark hardwood floor creaks as you move, with Kirishima following close behind you. When you pause to gaze at a couple of potted plants on one the shelves you keep your gaze cast down, but glance up through your eyelashes to look at Kirishima. You’re surprised to find him already watching you, like he’s drinking in every move you make. The attention is a little overwhelming, but it’s also exciting. His gaze on you is like a physical weight, and you can’t quite help the coy smile that curves over your face. You know you’re not imagining the soft, heated interest behind his eyes; he’s not exactly being subtle.

You duck into a parallel aisle, just fast enough that Kirishima stumbles for half a step at the sudden change in direction. You hum quietly to yourself, and toss a playful smile over your shoulder as he follows behind you. He meets your smile with another grin, bright and handsome. He doesn’t look away from you for a second.

You come to an abrupt halt in the middle of the aisle and turn to face him. The sudden movement takes him by surprise, but he manages to catch himself before he barrels into you. It’s probably not entirely intentional, but he ends up standing so close that you can almost count the delicate little freckles splashed across the bridge of his nose from the summer sun. His head dips down towards you, leaning into your space in a way that is decidedly more than just casually friendly. His lips part, but before he can speak you ask, “What about this one?”

His gaze drops down to the space between you, where you’re holding up a small plant with waxy little leaves. He blinks at it, and then recovers gracefully. “Hey, that one is pretty cute.”

“‘Pretty cute’s not quite good enough, though, is it?” You pretend to ponder, tapping your chin. “If you want the nicest desk in the whole building, you need better than ‘pretty cute’, right?”

If anything, Kirishima’s smile grows even wider. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. You up for the challenge of finding me the best plant in the store?” He steps closer as he speaks, until there’s nothing but a scant few inches and the potted plant between you.

You make a show of considering the challenge, shifting your weight from foot to foot. “Hold this for me?” you ask suddenly, practically shoving the plant into his hands.

Kirishima takes it, startled, and in the moment of distraction you turn on your heel and dart down the aisle, disappearing down another row of shelves. You’ve barely turned the corner when you hear a deep, rumbling chuckle followed by quick footsteps against the hardwood floor as he follows after you.

It’s like a game. You wind your way through the aisles, skipping over vines and stray pots, and Kirishima tries to catch up. You know this shop like the back of your hand (you’re in here nearly every single weekend), but Kirishima is fast and agile despite his large stature. There are a few close calls, where you just manage to round the corner of a new aisle before Kirishima can reach you, and each one makes your breath catch in your chest when Kirishima’s delighted laughter rings out through the shop.

You can’t help the grin that stretches across your face as you turn into another half-hidden aisle, ducking under a large fan-like leaf that stretched out and drooped low. Only a moment later you hear a soft slap and an “Oof!” as Kirishima presumably runs straight into it, and you laugh quietly to yourself as you slip in between a row of glass display cases.

A clatter and a soft curse sounds from one aisle over, and you guess that Kirishima just accidentally knocked a pot over. You pad softly to the end of the aisle, taking a moment to try and catch your breath and stifle your wild grin. It’s so childish, playing a game of chase in a garden shop with a man you barely know, but you’re having so much fun.

You poke your head cautiously around the edge of one of the display shelves, biting your lip and listening carefully for any sign of Kirishima. The only noise you can hear is the strained mechanical whirring of the fan from somewhere near the back of the shop, so you edge forward. You’ve only managed to take two steps before you feel a presence behind you.

“Gotcha.” Kirishima rumbles, right by your ear.

The noise that’s punched out of your chest is embarrassing, a weird cross between a yelp and a laugh. You whirl on the ball of your feet to face him, only for him to keep stepping closer. You have no choice but to retreat, until you’re backed up into a little alcove between two large glass display cases overflowing with luscious green ferns. Kirishima advances until he’s as close as he can be without actually touching you, and maybe you should feel a little intimidated by this man that’s built like a brick wall of pure muscle but his smile is so delighted and soft that you don’t think you could be afraid of him if you tried.

“You got me.” You agree, a little breathlessly. You don’t know if it’s from the exertion of running through the shop like a child or from the thrill of Kirishima’s closeness to you, but your heart is thrumming like a wild thing in your chest.

From this close, you can see the way Kirishima’s hair is sweat-damp on his brow and curling just slightly; it must be from the humidity inside the shop, because he doesn’t seem even the slightest bit affected by the physical activity of chasing after you. “You’re fast.” he says, his voice quiet as if afraid to break the atmospheric stillness within the shop.

“Yeah?” you mimic his volume subconsciously, “You sure you don’t just like chasing me? I think you could have caught me earlier, if you wanted.”

Kirishima laughs, and the skin around his eyes crinkle up in the most adorable way you’ve ever seen. “Maybe.” he says, and it sounds like a secret. His teeth are white and sharp and his cheeks dimple when he smiles. You’re distracted by the dimples, so when he raises his hand you barely notice until suddenly there’s a flower right under your nose and your eyes nearly cross in your attempt to look at it. 

“It’s pretty.” You say with a smile. It’s a simple white cosmo flower, though Kirishima is beaming as though he’d managed to find a particularly rare gem, and you don’t get a chance to take it from him before he tucks it neatly behind your ear.

“It’s like you.” He says. The words are flirtatious, but he delivers them so earnestly that you don’t quite know how to react.

“How about a potted ivy?” you blurt, at a loss for anything else to say. “It would be easy to take care of, and it looks good.”

Kirishima blinks, but takes the change of subject in stride. “Is that your professional recommendation?”

“Mhmm.” It’s hard to focus when he’s so close that you can feel the warmth of his breath ghosting across your skin every time he speaks. You’re sure he must be picking up on how flustered he’s making you -- you’re not convinced by the innocent expression on his face. “Maybe a few succulents, too.”

Kirishima nods thoughtfully, consideringly. “Hmmm. That sounds good to me. Will you go out to dinner with me?”

It’s such a non-sequitur that it takes your brain a long moment to register his words. “I- huh?” 

His dimpled smile turns bashful and a little self-conscious. “Ah. Sorry, that might have been a little forward.” He scratches the back of his head, and your gaze is drawn to the way his bicep bulges at the movement. “I was wondering if you’d like to get some dinner with me? I know a place that does some really great burrito bowls.”

“Are you asking me on a date, Kirishima-san?” Your words come out soft and quiet and effortlessly flirtatious -- you hadn’t intended on sounding so seductive, but you can’t help but enjoy the way Kirishima leans in closer to you.

“Yeah. No pressure if you don’t wanna, of course!” He’s quick to reassure you, “It’s totally fine if you’re not interested. I just wanted to let you know that I am very interested.”

As refreshing as his straight-forwardness is, you can’t help but feel surprised. This man is very much out of your league, you’re not blind, and yet he had been the one to approach you, and had indulged in your silly game of chase around the shop, and had playfully cornered you in an alcove and asked you out. You’ve met him enough by now to know he’s kind, friendly, and eager to help with just about anything you ask. Plus, he’s practically built like a Greek god, with a handsome face and the most stacked muscles you’ve ever seen in person.

“I’m interested.” you breathe, heart hammering in your chest. God, you really hoped this wasn’t some kind of elaborate joke. 

Kirishima seems to actually inflate at that, a bright smile blooming across his face as his shoulders straighten. “Really? Great! Awesome! Tonight?”

“Sure.” you agree, returning his smile. Your heart rate still hasn’t returned to normal from your chase around the shop; if anything, it feels like it’s pounding harder than ever. “I’m free tonight.”

“Great!” Kirishima says again. He seems more excited than you would have expected, which is honestly pretty flattering since you’re pretty sure you’re the one that should be feeling the most excited in this situation. “I have to go back to work since I’m technically on my lunch break right now, but I could pick you up at your apartment at around eight tonight?”

“Eight is perfect.” you straighten the flower behind your ear and smile up at him, letting your own excitement shine through on your face.

Kirishima steps back, finally giving you some space. You forcefully resist the urge to follow after him, watching instead as he backs away, still beaming. “Okay. Okay, cool. So, I’ll see you tonight?”

You let him go a few more steps before tilting your head and asking, “So, you changed your mind about the plants?”

He pauses, one foot raised mid-step like a cartoon character. “Plan-?” he starts, before his eyes go comically wide, “Oh! The plants! Right!”

You laugh, finding him stupidly endearing, before stepping out of the little alcove and setting off down one of the aisles to the left. There’s a whole section of the shop dedicated solely to the house plants, and it’s not difficult to find a suitable ivy plant with light green leaves and tumbling vines. Kirishima takes the potted plant when you hand it to him, and trails after you again as you go in search of the succulents. When you’ve found some suitable little plants, you help him carry them up to the counter with the cash register. There’s no one manning the register (and you breathe a quiet sigh of relief at that, because it means that no one saw the two of you running through the shop like idiots), and you ring the little bell to notify the employees that you’re at the counter. 

“I’ll leave you to it,” you say, stepping away from the counter as an employee finally emerges from the back of the shop. “See you tonight?”

Kirishima fumbles with the plants in his hands as he tries to wave. “Tonight! Yeah!”

The bell tinkles as you duck out the shop door, biting your lip to try and stifle your excited grin.

//

You look in the mirror yet again, tugging nervously at your clothes. You look pretty good, you think, but the closer it gets to eight the more nervous you get. You realised too late that you never exchanged phone numbers, and Kirishima doesn’t know which number apartment to buzz from the front door. You focus on staying calm and not overthinking things; it’s just a date, with the most handsome man you’ve ever actually spoken to. No big deal. It’s fine.

You tug on your shirt again, even though it’s sitting pretty much perfectly. You just lean forward to check your teeth when a crash sounds from your balcony. You jerk towards the crash automatically, and race out to open the doors to the balcony. You’re greeted with the sight of Kirishima with one leg over the balcony railing, staring dismally down at the shattered pot that he apparently just knocked over.

“I’m so sorry!” he blurts as soon as he sees you, “It was an accident! I didn’t know your apartment number to buzz the door and so I thought I’d just knock on the door to your balcony but I didn’t see the pot and- wow, you look really good!”

You wave away his frantic apologies with a laugh as you step over the spilled dirt. “Don’t worry about it. You look pretty good, too.” Your eyes drop to where he’s hiding his hands behind his back. “What have you got there?”

Kirishima hikes his other leg over the railing and drops to his feet, before pulling his arms out from behind him and revealing a large bouquet of beautiful white and pink lilies. “I got these for you.” he says, a pink blush dusted over his cheekbones. “I know you, uh, like flowers and plants and things. I don’t know much about them, but I thought they were pretty!”

Your whole face softens, and you reach out to take the bouquet. They are pretty, with delicate pink-streaked white petals and long, dainty stems. Pollen drops from them at every movement, sprinkling into the air in delicate yellow puffs. “They’re beautiful! Thank you.”

When you glance up at him you find that his attention is caught by the side of your head, his own smile softening. “You kept it?”

You touch the cosmo flower still tucked behind your ear, a little embarrassed. It had seemed like a cute idea to keep it and wear it for the date, but now you wonder if it’s a little weird. “Yeah. Like you said, it’s pretty, right?”

“Yeah.” he agrees. His gentle pink blush has intensified into a deep red. “Very pretty.”

You look back down at your lilies, still smiling. You feel so pleased, like all your nerves are being melted away only to be replaced by excited anticipation. “Your office must be really close by if you had the time to grab these before getting here.”

“It’s right around the corner,” he points towards the end of the street, “But, uh. My boss actually let me go early today.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. I, uh-” His blush, impossibly, seems to intensify further. “I’ve been talking about you for a while, I guess. Telling people about your awesome balcony and stuff, and how nice you are whenever I meet you. I didn’t actually realise how much I mentioned you, but, uh, when I told Fat that I had asked you out, he pretty much told me to get outta there and come straight to get you.” 

You laugh, pleasantly embarrassed yourself. “Wow. That’s… that’s really sweet.” A thought intrudes on the back of your mind, suddenly, and you frown a little. He said his boss's name was Fat? Office around the corner? “Wait. You work at Fat Gum’s Hero Agency?”

“Yep!” He flexes one of his biceps playfully; you’re pretty sure it’s bigger than your head. “I’m a sidekick there! ”

“Wow.” you say, gaze stuck on his muscled arm. “That- well. That explains- I mean, you have a very nice body.” Oh god, you think, cursing yourself. Why had you said that?

Kirishima flushes from the roots of his hair to his chest. You can’t help but grin, his bashfulness impossibly charming. “Oh! Thanks! I work out a lot.” he chuckles, shrugging as if it’s nothing.

You’re still grinning as you look at his rosy face, your eyes dropping to his red-flushed chest. His very red-flushed chest. “Uh.” you glance to his neck, where the skin is an angry crimson colour. “Kirishima-san?”

“Yeah?” The sun is dropping low in the sky, and the golden sunset throws buttery yellow-toned light all over your balcony. It lights up Kirishima’s profile in warm relief, and makes you wonder if you’re maybe imagining the colour you’re seeing.

“Are you okay? You have- I think you have a rash?”

“Huh?” He drops his chin to his sternum, trying to get a look at what you’re seeing. When he tugs his shirt down, it reveals angry red lines streaking down his chest. “Oh. Yikes.”

Your mouth drops open. “That.. looks painful.”

“It’s more itchy, really.” He admits, poking at the patch of ruddy skin. His head snaps up, eyes wide, and he quickly adds, “This doesn’t usually happen! I don’t usually have, uh, whatever this is!”

That definitely isn’t as comforting as he’s clearly hoping it will be. “Um. Kirishima, do you feel weird right now?”

“A little? I think I’m just nervous for our date, though.” He shifts on his feet and reaches up to scratch at his throat. “Just a little itchy. My throat feels a bit weird. I think it’s nerves.”

The angry red rash climbing up his chest and throat suggests that it’s not just nerves. “Does your throat feel… swollen?”

“Kinda?” 

Your gaze drops to the flowers in your arms. The breeze shakes loose another little cloud of pollen from them, which floats into the air in a little puff of yellow dust. “Did this start after you got the flowers?”

“I guess!” Kirishima says, clearly not following.

“Oh.” You stare at each other. Kirishima still hasn’t quite caught on to the logical conclusion of these questions. Now that you’re looking at him closely, you’re pretty sure his face looks a little puffier than usual. “I think you’re having an allergic reaction.”

Kirishima blinks, then looks to the flowers in your arms. His hand scratches idly at the base of his throat, which is now a raw and angry red. “Oh. Oh, I see. Huh.” You might be imagining it, but his voice sounds a little thicker now.

“I think we should go to the hospital.” You set down the lilies on your garden bench and usher him into your apartment. You haven’t had time to tidy up, but you’re past the point of caring about cleanliness. Kirishima doesn’t seem to notice anyway, as his face has fallen.

“What about dinner?” He asks, obviously disappointed, and yep, his voice has definitely gotten thicker. It sounds like his throat is swelling.

You try not to panic. “We can get food after the hospital!”

Kirishima actually has the nerve to pause and think about it. “Are you sure? I don’t feel that bad, and I really want to take you somewhere nice.”

It’s hard not to feel flattered at that. “I really appreciate that, Kirishima. I would feel a lot better if we got you checked out before dinner, though. I think the date would go better if you weren’t on the brink of anaphylactic shock.”

Kirishima concedes at that, and lets you call a taxi. As you stand on the sidewalk waiting for the taxi to arrive, he sighs and tilts his head. “This is embarrassing. I can’t believe I finally ask you out only for it to be ruined by some stupid flowers.”

“Hey,” you bump him with your hip, but it’s like hip-checking a boulder. You wince and rub at your hip bone as you say, “The flowers were beautiful, and a really lovely thought. Plus, I’ve kind of had a crush on you for a while now. One little bump in the road isn’t gonna chase me away, okay?”

“Really?”

You tug him over so you can press a chaste, tentative kiss to his cheek. “Really.”

“I’m gonna make sure when this is over that I bring you on the most unforgettable date ever!” In the light of the setting sun, Kirishima is lit up golden. He grins, gilded and bright, and even with his puffy face and swollen throat, you think he might just be the most beautiful man you’ve ever seen. 

“I think that you’ve already accomplished that.” you say delicately as you spot your taxi rounding the corner of the street, “Maybe our next date should be a little more uneventful.”

“Yeah,” Kirishima laughs, sounding like his throat is full of cotton balls, “Maybe uneventful is best. But you basically just agreed to go on another date with me, right?”

You suppose you have to be impressed by his determination, if nothing else. You’re not used to being the focus of someone’s attention like this, especially not someone on the brink of a medical emergency. It’s… flattering. “Yeah, I guess I did. Maybe next time we should leave the flowers, though.”

“No flowers.” Kirishima agrees, then chuckles. 

You think his swollen, puffy smile might just be the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in your life.

[mandysimo13]

@a-zira-fell I’ll have you know, this is entirely your fault. You and all your crack blogging! 

////

Crowley was still sulking over his latest interaction with Aziraphale. In all honesty, he reasoned, there was no reason to sulk. No reason to be moody. He had gotten exactly what he wanted and he didn’t even have to risk going anywhere near a church or getting a bunch of silly, money-grubbing mortals going to jail either. Aziraphale had given him a thermos, and an alarmingly ugly one at that, full of his Insurance Policy. He had broken the angel down. He had won.

So why did he feel so put out that the angel didn’t take him up on his small attempt at repayment.

You go too fast for me Crowley .

He screwed his eyes shut and shoved his hands deep into his pockets, trying to make himself as small as possible as he rushed through the London streets. He was looking to lose himself, to forget his inconvenient and decidedly un-demonic-like emotions. Hearing the screaming of guitars and smelling the waft of cigarettes, he followed the trail to a dingy little club where someone was doing their damnedest to sound “cool” with their guitar. A quick peek inside revealed a wealth of temptation options - underaged boys out looking to score a drink, girls just itching for an excuse to toss their bra on stage, bartenders looking to slip a few extra bills in their pockets - and he decided he had found his distraction.

He started off slow, tipping his bartender just a little extra when he paid for his pint and making a quiet comment, “they don’t pay you enough here, do they? Pity. The owners surely can afford a few quid, they’d never know it was gone.” The bartender gave him a sly smile and a nod and then Crowley proceeded to watch as, every few customers, a bill or two found their way into his pocket.

Feeling like he’d stretched his wings a bit he moved onto a delightfully shady looking man lurking in the corner. A few minutes conversation revealed that he was a purveyor of most things illegal. On this night in particular, he had a whole new stock of LSD to spread. Crowley helped the man in his entrepreneurial endeavors by pointing out who might be looking to buy. The man was ever so thankful.

It was all too easy.

In a matter of two hours everyone in the club was doing something terribly naughty and he was left alone, bored and still moping.

He curled his lip into a frown before taking a sip of his beer. All this tempting business was getting old. He needed a new hobby. A new distraction.

“Mister Crowley,” an eerily familiar voice called to him.

Turning his head he saw his new mortal henchman. “Mister Shadwell.”

“ Lance Corporal Shadwell,” he replied tetchily.

“If you say so.” Crowley leaned back into the wall behind him, lounging as casually as he could. After all, he did have appearances to maintain. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Oh, well.” Shadwell looked a little embarrassed and said in mock confidence, “doing what you’re probably doing. Tryna to get a leg over.”

Crowley smiled at that and eyed him over the rim of his glass. Feeling comfortable in the dim of the club, he strategically let his glasses slip down the bridge of his nose. He let his eyes rove over Shadwell and made sure that the Lance Corporal knew he was looking. “Is that so?”

Shadwell coughed into his fist and slammed back his beer. “A-yep.” He belched loudly, laying his masculinity on thickly.

Closeted bisexual, Crowley immediately gleaned. Disapproves, thinks it ungodly. Pity. He’s rather fetching. Could show a bloke - a demon - a good time. But then the idea took root and he grinned wickedly. The perfect challenge. The perfect distraction.

“So tell me, Lance Corporal ,” he said, letting his smile grow. He leaned a little, putting the man on edge. “What is it that you’re looking to get a leg over?”

Shadwell took a step back and found a table cutting off his retreat. He looked torn between wanting to run for the hills and stay and explore his deepest desires. Rather than answer the question he said, “w-well, I thought that woulda been obvious.”

Crowley put the hand not holding his beer on Shadwell’s shoulder and whispered in his ear, “you mean like one of those lovely, young things? Hmm?” He pointed towards the throngs of young women dancing to the music on stage and watched as Shadwell’s gaze shifted slowly. He drew his attention back by whispering, “a handsome lad like you, I’m sure you can pull all the birds you want.”

Shadwell nodded, “I...I could if I wanted.”

Crowley pouted and pulled his gaze back to him with a finger under the man’s chin. “Surely you want. You said so yourself that you want.”

Eyes glued to Crowley he said, “I dinnae often...succumb. I try not to let their wiles entice me.” Then, as if trying to remember his “official” persona, he added, “never know if they’re going to turn out to be a witch.”

“Ah,” Crowley said in mock understanding. “I see.” Crowley, thoroughly invested in his little game, leaned even closer but didn’t dare let their bodies touch as he deposited his beer on the table behind Shadwell. He saw Shadwell’s throat work in a nervous bob and let a tingle of satisfaction spark inside him.

“Tell me, Lance Corporal ,” he whispered the title tantalizingly against Shadwell’s cheek. “How does one know if one is a witch?”

“Lots of ways. You ask ‘em to recite the lord’s prayer. You dunk ‘em in water, see if they float or sink. You poke ‘em with a pin.”

“And what does that do?” He hovered his lips above Shadwell’s and let his puff of breath huff out over Shadwell’s. “Poking them?”

“It tells you if she feels pain. If she bleeds. If anything...unnatural comes out.”

“Unnatural, you say. Fascinating. Anything else?”

“Well...there is one more thing.”

“Yes?”

“You count the nipples.”

Crowley giggled at that. Silly humans, still believing in “witch’s tits”. He’s confused them with actual nipples. Somebody , humans are gloriously ridiculous, “You don’t say.” Then, wanting to see Shadwell grow even redder, he asked. “What do you do with the nipples?”

“Nnngk! I dinnae know!”

“But you’re the one looking for them,” Crowley insisted. “Surely you do something with them.”

“I-”

“I wonder,” Crowley said, dragging a finger down Shadwell’s sternum stopping his blustery reply in its tracks. “What you would do with a good set of nipples. A nice, natural pair of nipples.”

Shadwell’s jaw dropped giving him the distinct look of a fish out of water. Satisfied with his toying, Crowley retrieved his warming beer and took a small step back. He took a sip and luxuriously licked his lips before giving Shadwell a heated glance. “Let’s say you do succumb . You do give into temptation.”

“Aye?”

“What is it you’d say? How would you woo your target?” Crowley leaned back into the wall putting himself on display, wordlessly telling Shadwell that he was more than willing to be said temptation. He enjoyed watching Shadwell squirm, deciding whether or not he was going to dip his toes into the waters of the other sex or if he was going to chicken out.

Finally, curiosity won out.

Shadwell gathered himself to his full height and bracketed Crowley against the wall with his forearms planted on either side of his head. He leaned in, breath husky, and asked, “how many nipples have ya got, laddie?”

Stifling a giggle, Crowley whispered back, “how many did you want?”

Thinking it was a joke and not at all realizing that, should Crowley choose, he could have a full set of sixteen nipples like a cat, Shadwell laughed. The laughter seemed to make him more confident and he ran a light palm over Crowley’s chest, checking to see if all was in order and replied, “the standard two shall suffice.”

Gotcha , Crowley preened internally. Lust had always been his favorite sin - aside from sloth - and he knew how to wield it perfectly. He turned his head, letting his breath ghost over Shadwell’s neck and send shivers down his spine. A moment of anticipation and bated breath and then he asked, “yours or mine, Lance Corporal ?”

In the end it had been Crowley’s apartment. Which was just fine by him. He was more comfortable that way, more in control. He let Shadwell take the lead, letting him explore his newly accepted sexuality. He felt Shadwell’s hands on his, tugging at his clothes and grasping his muscles, eager to try everything new that Crowley had to offer. He kissed with inexperienced enthusiasm but Crowley could work with that. He steered his kisses into something more controlled and pleasurable before directing them towards the bedroom.

Reaching behind himself, he turned the knob to open the door with one hand while pushing Shadwell away with the other. Grinning, he took a few backwards steps into the room, trailing one hand down the row of buttons of his silk shirt, teasing him. Shadwell stayed in the doorway watching hungrily.

Then, breaking the silence Crowley said, “by your leave, Lance Corporal .” Shadwell needed no further prompting.

The next morning Shadwell woke up in a strange bed with a strange man feeling strange things. He uncurled from around the pillow he had been hugging and sat back against the headboard where Crowley was already leant against. Much like the previous night, Crowley relished his uncomfortableness.

Shadwell coughed into his fist, trying to break the tension. “So…”

“You are under no obligation. This was, as you said so eloquently last night, “just getting a leg over”. You and I both know that while you are curious, you’ve no intention of repeating last night’s experiences.”

Shadwell blinked at him, dumbfounded. “Wha- how could you possibly know that??!”

Wanting their interaction to be over as soon as possible, Crowley grinned and lifted the sheet a bit to reveal a convenient third nipple just under his left nipple that he had freshly conjured.

Shadwell sputtered in disbelief. “No...no no no, I checked! That was nae there last night!”

“Are you sure?” Crowley made a show of looking down and poking it to see if it was real. “Cause I’ve had it an awful long time.”

“Christ. You’re a witch!”

“Fancy a fry up,” Crowley said sarcastically and watched as Shadwell scrambled out of bed, racing for the door.

After he heard the door slam Crowley let himself cackle out loud, enjoying his own private joke. He stretched and groaned, slinking out of bed in search of breakfast. He didn’t need to eat but he always felt a bit peckish after a “night of passion”. Something about the flood of hormones and burst of activity and the whole Making An Effort thing made him crave a good, greasy fry up.

With a flick of his wrist the extra nipple was gone and he had laid the groundwork for Shadwell to conveniently forget their entire encounter. He may have enjoyed playing with him for the night, but he didn’t want to scar him for life.

Besides, you never know when a Witchfinder Army would come in handy.

[texastheband]

Sharleen blows her cool

By Nick Duerden Taken from Heat Magazine - 11-17 November 1999 

She's our most succesfull pop star and she gets to cavort on beds with male models. So why is Sharleen Spiteri in a bad mood? "Fucking flu" she tells Nick Duerden.

It is a cold, crisp day in the north, and Sharleen Spiteri is suffering from a lack of sufficient sleep. Last night's hotel had an air conditioning system that didn't know its hot from its cold. So the Texas singer tossed and turned throughout the night, one moment sweating, the next freezing. "I thought I had the fucking flu or something," she says.

Nevertheless, she looks delightfully rumpled today in the kind of manner only ever truly achieved by the rich and famous. She strides into a Manchester eatery under an artfully created birds' nest of black hair, and is wearing worn Jeans that are decadently fashionable and, doubtless, very expensive. She is the liveliest of company, picking delicately at a plate of hummus, but insisting on a plate of sausage and mash for heat as a hangover cure. Mash, it seems, is good for soaking up alcohol in the stomach. "You're bringing out my maternal side," she says. Later, she will reveal a fondness for Robbie, and refer to his one time bandmate Gary Barlow as "fuckface". Apparently, on an Italian pop show recently, he accidentally cracked her head open with his guitar, then blamed his attendant security. "If it wasn't for them," says the woman who stands at 5ft 5", "1 would have had him." Texas are here in Manchester halfway through a sold-out UK tour to further promote a very succesfull album. Following the four-million-selling, career-saving White On Blonde, The Hush has already shifted over three million copies in just six months. They are one of Britain's biggest bands, about to set their sights on America which they confidently believe they will crack. This is all a very different story from just three years ago. Back then, Texas were on the brink of ruin. Their record company were threatening to drop them, and they themselves were considering splitting. Since the top ten success of their 1989 debut single, I Don't Want A Lover, and the album Southside, Texas had been on a gradual downward slide. Their second album, Mothers Heaven, performed disappointingly, and very few people even noticed when they released a third, Ricks Road. With the exception of France, who still considered them splendid, Texas were uniformly regarded as a band dull enough to render even Del Amitri as rock gods. But then a very peculiar thing happened. Texas became hip, seemingly overnight. Purportedly steered by her journalist boyfriend, Ashley Heath (then editor of fashion magazine Arena Homme Plus), Sharleen became a sex siren, the band's sole focal point, and someone most adept at pouting provocatively before the camera lens. While the often exotic photo shoots looked like she was selling perfume, she was in fact selling the band. It worked wonders, too: suddenly, Texas were everywhere. And now look at them. Huge. Sharleen Spiteri, svengali boyfriend loitering somewhere in the shadows, has mounted the most successful make over in recent pop history.

How does it feel to have sold upwards of seven million albums in less than three years? How does it feel? It feels very secure. [Laughs] But I also feel incredibly grateful for it, because we were lucky enough to get a second chance. That doesn't happen much these days. I still find it hard to believe that we broke big on our fourth album. Nobody from the record company will admit to it now, but even when we delivered Say What You Want (White On Blonde's first single), no one was particularly impressed. We loved it, but I think they were simply no longer interested in us. It was like they were waiting for the record to fail so they could get rid of us. Instead, however, we sold an obscene amount of albums and suddenly they love us. I tell you, becoming very successful gives you an awful lot of power. Why was the album such a success, given Texas' then somewhat dull image? Simple: because it was a great record. We'd made the best music of our lives, and people were responding to it. The image reinvention certainly helped though, didn't it? I find it funny the way people are so obsessed about my supposed "reinvention". We've been around for ten years, so of course we're going to reinvent ourselves. It's called progression. True, but the suddenly glamorous image seemed very calculated towards making you quickly famous. Everyone is convinced that the record sold because I draped myself all over the press to plug it. In actual fact, I didn't start appearing on magazine covers until the second single, Halo, was already in the charts. We were becoming successful, so there was a demand for interviews, and I gave them. Were the rest of the band happy to take a step back? Absolutely. It took all the pressure off them. Let's face it, an attractive woman in a band is a pretty effective focal point. We were convinced we'd made a great record - the best of our career - and we wanted people to hear it. And the way to do that is to promote it. So I did. Is it true that your boyfriend had a guiding hand in the makeover? Not really. Obviously, having a boyfriend that works in journalism helps to give you an insight into how the whole business works, but I used to be a hairdresser, so I know a fair bit about image myself. We did talk about how to present ourselves because we knew that initially people wouldn't be interested in Texas and we wanted to change their minds. The whole music business Is a game in that respect, and we played it. Wouldn't you have done the same? Wouldn't anyone? Had you always wanted to be famous? No, never had. Still don't, in fact. I've never been bothered with it, to be honest. It doesn't interest me at all. Anyone can be famous. You can be famous for wearing high-heeled shoes, or blowing off presidents. I want people to say I'm a great singer, a great songwriter, that's all. If I simply wanted to become famous, then I would have got my tits out long ago. And I never have. Never will, either. Did it ever feel slightly foolish to be rolling around on exotic beaches like a supermodel merely to sell a band that used to wear woolly jerseys and hobnail boots? No, I had a great time, and they're great photographs. I'll keep them forever and show them to my children so that they can be proud of their mother. Everyone likes to look good in pictures, and those pictures make me look fantastic. Ten years ago I was very selfconscious about the way I looked, but I'm almost 32 now, and I've accepted that I've got a giant nose and other blemishes. But am I going to get major surgery? Nah, fuck it. I'll just ask photographers not to accentuate it and to light me in a flattering manner, that's all. Subsequent collaborations with Rae & Christian and Wu-Tang Clan also seemed like a very determined effort to suddenly become chic. Were they? I met Rae & Christian ages ago through my boyfriend, and I spent years namechecking the Wu-Tang Clan because I was a fan. Both came to work with us because they knew we were good at what we did musically. I've never been interested in being chic or trendy or cool. I just want two things: to make good music and work with people I admire. Did any members of the WuTang Clan come on to you? [Aghast] Absolutely not! But I know what you mean. If you put any man or woman in a room together there's bound to be something, some kind of spark. When they were first told that we'd love to work with them, they were like [adopts cheeky American drawl], "Hey, is that the chick with the funky red dress from that video [BlackEyed Boy]? I like her! ", but they were very respectful towards me. I was in awe of them. They're all huge guys, and they kept calling me "girlie". But then they heard me sing, and they were convinced I was black! [Fondly] Method Man is a lovely guy, you know. Do you feel sexy? Not first thing in the morning, I don't. I can look very rough indeed. But I don't want to be obviously sexy. I try to think what I find sexy in women - and it's not Pamela Anderson - and then work on that. I think the sexiest word in the English language is "no". It makes perfect sense, because everyone wants what they can't have. If you actually look at all the supposedly steamy photographs I've done, I'm actually revealing very little flesh indeed. In the video for Summer Son, you effectively dry-hump a handsome man in bed. Did he leave you, um, tongue-tied? Very funny. I'll tell you why I did that video. It was to suggest that it is possible to be unbelievably sexy and keep all your clothes on. That video was all about the power of suggestion, but ironically it wasn't allowed to be shown on television before seven o'clock because it was too raunchy. What hypocritical bullshit. All I ever see on MTV are women in ridiculous push-up bras, cleavage everywhere, and touching themselves. I wanted to make an alternative, but keep it just as sexy. It is also, presumably, fairly good fun cavorting with a male model of your choice? Well, I have to admit, it's a pretty good way to spend a day. [Abruptly changing subject] Incidentally, did you know that Summer Son has just broken us in Germany? Which is good news because Germany is the third biggest market in the world. We're massive there now. Not bigger than David Hasselhoff, surely? Germany, after all, is his stronghold. Do you know what? I think we're even bigger than him. How about that? Congratulations. Thank you, very kind. You exude confidence the way a teenager does testosterone. Does it ever spill over into arrogance? When I was a hairdresser, people thought I was really arrogant. Now, because of the band, I'm almost allowed to have an ego, but most people tend to think of me as level headed. Well, that's what they tell me to my face, anyway. Put it this way, I've not changed at all. I'm very ambitious, always have been. There are still a lot of people out there who don't like us and probably hate me, but I don't care about them. We're a band who sell a lot of records. That brings peace of mind and, yes, a certain arrogance. But, y'know, we've worked hard to get into this position. I'm not about to apologise for it. One more thing. What, if anything, turns you off in a man? Beards. When they get as big as that bloke's in The Royle Family, bits of food get stuck in thein. Disgusting! My father [a seaman] used to go off to sea for months at a time and come back home with a bloody great bush of a beard. Me and my sister would go after him with the scissors, screaming like banshees.

[fieryrondo]

thoughts on my first season as a figure skating fan + favorite skates

With the 2016-17 figure skating competitive season firmly behind us, I’ve had the time to look back and reflect on my first season as a figure skating fan.

Like many newly turned figure skating fans this season, I got into figure skating fandom thanks to Yuri on Ice. A recommended Youtube video–and a world-record breaking free skate in Barcelona later–I had crossed fandoms entirely and unwittingly signed up for what was to be the most nerve-wracking, heart palpitating Experience™ ever. I even started writing fic to cope with the trauma. (How do you veteran figure skating fans last? I deduce that figure skating fans must either have nerves of steel or a streak of masochism to cope with the emotional highs and lows of the season.)

My figure skating fan journey officially kicked off in Marseille at the Grand Prix Final. It’s a little mind blowing to look back and see how the first figure skating competition I followed became an exercise in absurdity (#frencheventplanning). Next stop was my first livestreaming experience at 4am in the morning (#greatlifechoices) for Four Continents in Gangneung, a reputedly low-key competition transmorgified into a terrifying, heart-pounding prelude to the World Championships in Helsinki where history was made, hearts were broken, and some of the most inspiring skates were recorded.

As a newly minted fan, I was shocked how involved I became with watching these skaters. Being a figure skating fan is really hard! The emotional investment is real. Very few sports blend narrative, musical interpretation and athletic performance in a way that is emotionally engaging and beautiful to watch. It’s amazing to see skaters skate their very best, regardless of their placement. On the flip side, it’s also heartbreaking to see a skater have a complete meltdown, even if they aren’t necessarily the favorite you’re rooting for. 

But mostly, I feel very blessed that we are able to watch these young, talented and very hardworking athletes create magic on ice.

Speaking of magic on ice, I also wanted to highlight a few skates this season that I felt were emotionally moving to me personally. This is by no means a “top 10″ list, just a selection of skates this season that I particularly enjoyed.

10. Boyang Jin’s EX “Nitro” (Cowboy) at 2017 Worlds - While Boyang’s Spiderman surely captured a lot of hearts this season, I wanted to give a nod to his EX, which I found to be somehow one of the most delightfully entertaining and difficult to understand programs of the season. I love it when a skater isn’t afraid to really let loose and have fun with a program and Boyang’s infectious energy is contagious. It’s encouraging to see skaters so openly happy with their programs.

9. Denis Ten’s SP “Romeo & Juliet” (Prokofiev) at 2017 Winter Universiade - When I first watched this program from Trophee de France, I admit I was not particularly fond of the music cuts. Hip hop isn’t really my thing either, and as a classical music connoisseur I generally don’t like remixes or arrangements. But the passion in the crazy step sequence honestly sold it for me and throughout the season, I really grew to like the program (so remixes are now ok! ^^). Although it broke my heart to see Denis’s promising start spiral downwards as the season went on, I was glad to see that he was able to put on his best performances in front of his home crowd, the crowd that personally mattered most.

8. Elizabet Tursynbaeva’s FS “Princess Mononoke” at 2017 Worlds - I have a huge soft spot for Joe Hisaishi music, and Princess Mononoke is my favorite Miyazaki film of all time, so it wasn’t hard to immediately like the program. However, my initial impression was I felt the program was too big, too epic, too ambitious for such a tiny figure skater having such a rough season. So it was lovely to see that my initial fears were laid to rest at Worlds, where Elizabet skated the program in such a way that showed the program was no longer too big for her, but one that she had finally grown into. I’m excited to see what Elizabet will bring for the next season.

7. Zijun Li’s FS “Only for Love” at 2017 World Team Trophy - While Zijun may not be the most powerful jumper or refined skater in the ladies field, there is a raw passion in her skating that I can’t help but appreciate. Plus the musical choice is very interesting–it’s lovely to see skaters skate to something that they find personally meaningful to them, rather than a more traditional choice to curry favor with the judges. After a subpar showing at Worlds, to end her tumultuous season on a high note with a personal best was immensely satisfying.

6. Patrick Chan’s FS “A Journey” at 2017 Worlds - Personal pieces are notoriously difficult to interpret but after a lackluster comeback season, Patrick shows that he is more than capable of continuing to grow artistically as well as technically–no mean feat for a man considered “past his prime” for competitive figure skating. Although we never quite see a “technically perfect” Journey, the performances Patrick shows us are exquisitely nuanced and satisfying to watch. I particularly liked his Worlds performance–again not perfect–but it had a feeling of closure and peace of mind that was sorely missing from last year’s Worlds.

5. Javier Fernández’s EX “Danny Boy” at 2017 World Team Trophy - It’s funny that Javier’s “character” and performance-heavy skates have sort of become his trademark style, but my favorite program from him is one of the more serious programs he’s done. Although Javier is very comfortable with comedic, light-hearted programs, I loved “Danny Boy” for its romanticism and its languid, melancholic flow, which reminded me that Javier, though he may occasionally err on the side of conservative program choices, is actually a very versatile skater who can interpret something more emotionally complex. He had a mixed outing at Worlds, so it was nice to bookend the season with something pretty.

4. Sui/Han’s FS “Bridge over Troubled Waters” at 2017 Worlds - This season was a season not just of heartbreaks but also of marvelously poetic triumphs. With Sui coming off an ankle injury that took months to heal, debuting their programs for the very first time this season at Four Continents, it seemed the deck was stacked against them. To see Sui/Han skate their story here at Worlds, and see them cross the bridge over troubled waters and emerge victorious on the other side was sweet catharsis.

3. Satoko Miyahara’s FS “The Planets” at 2016 Grand Prix Final - Satoko’s jumps might be tiny, but her skating is huge. Easily my favorite free skate program of the ladies this season, it was really awesome to see Satoko tackle such an astronomically (sorry, couldn’t resist) demanding program. My favorite part was the ease with which Satoko moved between the different movements–and their corresponding personalities–of the program. From the quiet grace of Venus, the explosive power of Mars, the intricate tenderness of Princess Leia, and the triumphant joy of Jupiter–I only wished we could have seen more.

2. Yuzuru Hanyu’s EX “Notte Stellata” at 2017 Worlds - One of the most rewarding things I’ve learned as a new figure skating fan is that while the same programs are performed multiple times throughout the season, each performance can be so unique, it’s almost as if you’re watching a new program every time. What was so captivating about Notte Stellata (besides the ridiculously beautiful costume) was the contrast of moods between the first and last performances of the season. Skate Canada’s Notte Stellata was hauntingly melancholic. Worlds’ Notte Stellata was exultant and free. It’s contemplative, romantic and absolutely spellbinding to watch. A nod to the beautiful delayed axel jump–it really looks like he’s flying~

1. Yuzuru Hanyu’s FS “Hope & Legacy” at 2017 Worlds - While the world-breaking Seimei skate will forever be etched brightly as the greatest skate of all time, Hope & Legacy is, by far, my favorite Yuzuru Hanyu free skate. Musically rich and tonally subtle, Hope & Legacy is a quiet and introspective program that is not only difficult to like, but also hard to appreciate without understanding the personal narrative of the skater himself. But such is the risk with personal programs. If Yuzuru’s goal this season was “to challenge”–he succeeded to meet that goal in every possible way–his answer to a rapidly evolving men’s field with a program that is aesthetically ambitious, technically difficult, and emotionally vulnerable. The feeling of seeing it skated perfectly at Worlds, at the very moment when all hope seemed lost, when the stakes and the mounting pressure were at its highest, was akin to the feeling of the first rain after a long drought.

[justbloggingit-blog]

29  best Albums to Obsess Over in 2017

The Knowles sisters set the music bar pretty high in 2016, but that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of new releases coming to tide you over in 2017. Between Tinashe, Lorde, and many more, you should be able to find at least one or two albums to keep you dancing for the next few months.

1. Goldfrapp, Silver Eye (March 31)MORE FROM

Goldfrapp's last album Tales of Us was full of subdued, atmospheric ballads, so it's hard not to get excited about the upbeat single "Anymore," which is readymade for the dance floor. Even "Ocean," the deceptively moody, Haxan Cloak-assisted closing track, builds to a pounding climax that'll make your neighbors wonder why you didn't invite them to your rave.

2. Tei Shi, Crawl Space (March 31)

Tei Shi has one of those voices that's easily described as "breathy," and while she does have a decent collection of sultry R&B songs in her repertoire, she's also capable of going for broke when she feels like it. Please see the 3:15 mark in "How Far" for proof, then prepare your roommates for the impromptu karaoke sessions you'll be having to this song all year long.

3. Nelly Furtado, The Ride (March 31)

For her sixth album, Nelly enlisted frequent St. Vincent collaborator John Congleton to help her make her most honest album yet, inspired by a period of aimlessness and depression she felt after splitting from her longtime manager. "What was happening creatively was a total refuge for me," she told Cosmopolitan.com earlier this year. "I had gone there to repair, restore, and reinvent myself and become whole again, because I feel like I did come broken.”

4. New Pornographers, Whiteout Conditions (April 7)

It's hard to get all the members of a supergroup like New Pornographers in the same room when they're busy jaunting around the world on their own tours, so when they manage to get some time together on the schedule, they always make it worth the wait. Expect flawless harmonies, precisely arranged power pop, and more Neko Case vocal wizardry than any mere human deserves to hear in one lifetime.

5. Michelle Branch, Hopeless Romantic (April 7)

You might remember Michelle as the woman who sang "Everywhere," a song that was everywhere back in 2001, or Carlos Santana's duet partner on "The Game of Love," which is still fire, no arguments. Hopeless Romantic is her first album in 14 years and will likely be a little grittier than some of her past work — Black Keys drummer Patrick Carney is a co-producer.

6. Little Dragon, Season High (April 14)

Little Dragon have always been masters of a singular, electropop mixed with R&B sound, and their fifth album should be no exception. Between the slow sensuality of "High" and the bouncy dance rhythm of "Sweet," it's clear that Season High will incorporate all of the blended genres that Little Dragon do best.

7. Feist, Pleasure (April 28)

Thanks to her appearance in an iPod Nano commercial back in the day, Feist still has a reputation has a quirky, adorable indie princess, despite the fact that that's never really been her M.O. Pleasure, her first album since 2011's Metals, should go a long way to crushing that stereotype for good, especially if the title track's riff-heavy grittiness is any indication of what's to come.

8. Mary J. Blige, Strength of a Woman (April 28)

The queen of hip-hop soul returns with Strength of a Woman, featuring guest appearances by Kanye West, Missy Elliott, DJ Khaled, Quavo, and more. Ready your thank-you notes now.

9. Blondie, Pollinator (May 5)

It's Blondie. What else do you need to know?

10. Girlpool, Powerplant (May 12)

For their second album, Girlpool have added a drummer to their lineup (they were previously a percussion-less duo), but that doesn't mean their music has gotten any less intimate or that the band's harmonies have gotten any less heart-twisting. And if you think their quiet tone is too docile to be "rock," too bad, because they're onto you. "As a society I feel that we perceive softness and vulnerability as traits that are ‘weak,' and people emotionally disconnect themselves in order to avoid going through everything they feel," vocalist/bassist Harmony Tividad said in a press release about Powerplant. "I think what is most important right now is empathy, and in order to have empathy we must first feel what we, ourselves, feel.”

11. Harry Styles, Harry Styles (May 12)

The wait will soon be over, and Harry Styles, One Direction’s resident suede boot enthusiast, will release his first solo album since 1D faded into the night like a beautiful star that was just too good for this world. Judging by his first single “Sign of the Times,” Harry plans to mine his favorite classic rock — the Rolling Stones, David Bowie — for inspiration.

12. Marika Hackman, I’m Not Your Man (June 2)

MORE FROM

MUSIC

For her second album, English artist Marika Hackman enlisted her friends the Big Moon to be her backing band. They give a new, harder depth to her sound, but the sarcastic wit of the lyrics is all her own.

13. Chastity Belt, I Used to Spend So Much Time Alone (June 2)

In the past, Chastity Belt went for songs with tongue-in-cheek titles like "Pussy Weed Beer" and "Nip Slip," but for their third album, they plan to get a little more vulnerable. “We don’t have to play joke songs in order to have fun," lead singer Julia Shapiro told SPIN last year. "We can play serious songs and still have fun with it.”

14. Lorde, Melodrama (June 16)

Lorde has taken her sweet time working on the follow-up to 2013's Pure Heroine, but that's only because she wants it to be perfect. She's said that "Green Light" is about her "first major heartbreak," a theme that also seems to apply to the mournful piano ballad "Liability." No matter how much more "mature" her music gets, though, her dance moves remain delightfully childlike. Head-banging on the roof of an SUV is the move to master in 2017.

15. Beth Ditto, Fake Sugar (June 16)

Gossip lead singer Beth Ditto strikes out on her own with Fake Sugar, her first debut full-length. Given her history with Gossip, you can expect plenty of hip-shaking stompers and a whole lot of attitude.

16. Loretta Lynn, Wouldn’t It Be Great (Aug. 18)

After releasing not one but two albums last year, country legend Loretta Lynn (who turned 85 this spring) is back with a collection of new songs as well as new versions of classics like “Coal Miner’s Daughter.” “I’m going to keep working till they put me down,” she told the Los Angeles Times last year. “But I ain’t figurin’ on going anytime soon.”

17. Tinashe, Joyride (TBA)

Joyride has been delayed so many times at this point that it feels mythical, but no matter when it comes out, songs like "Party Favors" and "Company" prove that it'll be unforgettable. While you wait, check out Tinashe's 2016 mixtape Nightride.

18. Perfume Genius, No Shape (May 5)

There are very few things on this planet that you can accurately describe as "out of this world," but Mike Hadreas's voice is one of them. The follow-up to the alternately glam and melancholy Too Bright will no doubt be one of the year's best, and according to a recent Fader cover story, will be about the challenges and pleasures of having your life more or less together. “It’s almost embarrassing to acknowledge how good things are," Mike said. “There’s something abnormal about it.”

19. SZA, CTRL (TBA)

If you're unfamiliar with SZA's EPs, you might know her from her excellent duet with Rihanna on Anti's "Consideration." Her debut studio album is another one that's been a long time in the making, but SZA claims it's coming "ridiculously soon." Pray that she's right, because there's no way CTRL won't be an instant classic.

20. Katy Perry, TBA (TBA)

Katy hasn't released an album since 2013's Prism, but her new single "Chained to the Rhythm" is as good a hint as any that a follow-up is finally on the horizon. After spending part of 2016 campaigning for Hillary Clinton, Katy's lyrics and image have taken a subtle political turn, so expect her candy-colored pop to have a somewhat deeper message this time around.

21. Sky Ferreira, Masochism (TBA)

Sky Ferreira's last album was plagued by delay after delay, and Masochism seems no different (though Sky describes the delay as a "wait," since she's never given an official release date). No matter when it arrives, though, you can bet it will be full of hyper-catchy, brutally honest pop songs that Sky excels at writing. "I'd rather make and release the best/most honest thing possible instead of trying to race time," she tweeted last year. "Quality over quantity."

22. Amber Coffman, City of No Reply (TBA)

Amber's gorgeous voice was sorely missed on the latest Dirty Projectors album, which, as it happens, was more or less all about Amber. If the first single "All to Myself" is any indication, her debut solo album will offer a beautiful rebuttal to David Longstreth's interpretation of their relationship.

23. Tink, Think Tink (TBA)

Tink has been hailed as the heir to Aaliyah for several years now, a comparison that only got louder after she released the Aaliyah-sampling "Million." She's released a dizzying number of mixtapes since 2012 but her first album still remains locked in the vault. Tink says blame Timbaland, who took her on as a protégé. “Timbaland is just a perfectionist," she told HipHopDX. "If it was up to me, I would put that shit out like right now. I’m so ready."

24. Taylor Swift, TBA (TBA)

No one really knows if T-Swift has a new album coming in 2017, but the time is definitely right for one. She's a few months past her usual every-two-years release date, she's had plenty of time off post–"1989" tour, and she's got a ton of new material to write about — her feud with Kimye, her relationships with Calvin Harris and Tom Hiddleston, her squad, etc. Taylor's been back in the studio too, at least to record her Fifty Shades collaboration with Zayn, so don't be surprised if #TS6 news starts trickling out soon.

25. Haim, TBA (TBA)

It feels like it's been a hundred years since Haim released Days Are Gone and cemented their status as the world's foremost sister rock band that hangs out with Taylor Swift, so it's good to know that they're working on new music, set to come out this summer. "You don’t even know what’s coming for you," Este Haim told Entertainment Weekly in December. "I’m warning you. You. Don’t. Even. Know."

26. DeJ Loaf, Liberated (TBA)

Between her mixtapes and guest appearances, there's been no shortage of rapper DeJ Loaf the past couple years, so it's hard to remember that she's never actually released an official debut album. In December, her manager told The Fader that Liberated is "90 percent complete," and DeJ explained that part of the delay happened because she was trying to force herself to be something she wasn't. “I’m thinking, like, Lauryn," she said. "I didn’t want to sing. I just wanted to rap, like hardcore. Just give ’em bars. I wanted people to take it seriously. I was just so focused on that at first. And then I’m like, You know what? Just do you.”

27. St. Vincent, TBA (TBA)

Since her last album came out in 2014, St. Vincent has tried her hand at directing and ended up in gossip columns for dating Cara Delevingne (they broke up last year), but never forget that first and foremost she shreds. She confirmed to Guitar World that her fifth album, which she describes as a "real sea change" sound-wise, is coming soon, possibly in the spring. "I think it’ll be the deepest, boldest work I’ve ever done," she said. "I feel the playing field is really open for creative people to do whatever you want, and that risk will be rewarded — especially now that we have such high stakes from a political and geopolitical standpoint. The personal is political and therefore the political can’t help but influence the art. And only music that has something pretty real to say is gonna cut the mustard.”

28. Charli XCX, TBA (TBA)

This is not to be confused with Number 1 Angel, the mixtape Charli released in March, that includes appearances by MØ and Uffie. This album will be the official follow-up to 2014's Sucker, and will feature production by members of PC Music. Charli describes it as a "big pop party album," so stock up on Red Bull now.

29. Lana Del Rey, Lust for Life (TBA)

Lana's plans for her latest single "Love" are still a mystery, but given that Honeymoon came out almost two years ago, one hopes it's just the beginning of another chapter in her glamorously languid career. Put on a vintage negligée, light your fanciest candles, and say a prayer for #LDR5.