#this could be some weird trauma with being bullied within the Fandoms in question at a younger age... I dunno...

[deep-spacediver577]

Whenever someone who shares a certain interest notices me:

[kitkatt0430]

10 & 17 for the Salty Ask Game please <3

10.) Most disliked arc? Why?

For the Flash specifically I did that one here

Over on the Legends I had a number of disliked arcs too.

First off? I really hate the repeated bullying arcs.

S1, they bully Mick and then are shocked, shocked I tell you, when he betrays them for a better deal.

S2, they bully Mick again and then are completely mystified how past!evil!Len manages to manipulate him away from them so easily.

And then they finally stop bullying Mick just in time for Gary to show up and oh hey let's bully the shit out of this guy now.

Gary being an alien pretending to be a jewish human was antisemitic not least of all for reeking of the lizard conspiracy bullshit. >_<

Gideon turning into a human and only truly being 'welcomed to the crew' at that point and immediately getting a romantic/sexual awakening arc. It might have been interesting if Gideon ultimately decided she preferred being an AI, instead of some weird modern day little mermaid type nonsense, but no. She was a person before she became a human, but I really feel like the plot treated her like she was only now a person because she shed her fins and grew legs lost her Waverider shell and took on human form.

17.) Instead of XYZ happening, I would have made ABC happen…

So, so many instances, I could probably get asked this question a dozen times and have a dozen different answers and still not have exhausted the things I'd have done differently with my fav fandoms.

Um... to just pick one for now... I would have done Cisco's exit from the show differently. Carlos was leaving the show, there was no keeping the character, but there was a chance to have Cisco exit the show in a way that really honored the character.

So the thing with Frost's arrest in S7 could have opened up an arc about ARGUS not honoring their deal with Team Flash about how the meta cure would be handled. Cisco takes this personally and investigates into how the CCPD had (illegally) acquired the 'cure', which could have had him working with Cecile on one side to sue the city for - amongst other things - violating Cisco's patent on the drug itself by manufacturing it without a license and illegal experimentation on inmates by forcing the meta cure on metahuman criminals without their consent. Meanwhile bring in Lyla for a bit as she had no idea that the cure had been essentially stolen from ARGUS and she's there to work with Cisco on the other end of things to find out where the leak in ARGUS is coming from and of course they find a small part of the problem but not the whole thing. And while the Central City side of the story would get wrapped up as a half-season thing, maybe with Cecile doing some lingering legal work in the second half of S7, Cisco feels obligated to continue working with ARGUS to find all the stolen cure and lock down the leak within the organization.

Maybe Cisco feels guilty because something he created to help himself remove powers that actively hurt him - migraines and the like from his visions, not that amatonormative BS the show gave us as justification in S5 - is now being used to harm people by taking away their powers without their consent. But also revealed an underground movement of metas whose powers they do want gone because they're afraid of meta-human trafficking or their powers suck or they just want to be normal and Cisco wants to give them the same right to chose that he did. So his decision he can do more good with ARGUS doesn't come out of nowhere.

It'd dovetail nicely with Kamilla getting the chance to focus more on her art in Star City and the two of them choosing to leave Central City together, since Lyla would want Cisco working with her specifically at her Star City location.

It would have also given the whole 'Barry having issues with SF!Nora' plot a chance to be something other than Barry's loved ones treating him like he's being unreasonable for having his trauma triggered regarding his mom's death and the Speed Force's previous mistreatment of him. With everyone being so tied up in really important things - even Iris is busy reporting on the city side of the meta cure scandal - Barry doesn't want to bother any of them with the SF making him feel uncomfortable just because she doesn't respect his boundaries. He's just making a mountain out of a molehill, right? He and Chester and Allegra can totally handle the new Forces thing on their own.

And then Cisco leaves and the SF!Nora + new Forces situation promptly explodes in everyone's face.

[kuriboo]

Aerial Twist

Fandoms: Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga), Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's, Yu-Gi-Oh! ARC-V Words: 2,090 Characters: Kaiba Mokuba, Akaba Reira, Izayoi Aki Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Pre-Canon, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Family, this is post arc v and pre 5ds, and takes place in the early duel monsters manga, Arcadia Movement, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Future, Panic Attacks, Trauma, we use dub names here but only most of the time I apologize in advance, Links in Notes

When Kaiba told Mokuba he was meeting with the CEO’s younger brother, Mokuba felt a little insulted. Even if they were the same age, Mokuba was KaibaCorp’s VP, and Riley held no position within the Leo Corporation. This was glorified babysitting while the ‘grown ups’ talked.

He never should have underestimated them.

The vice-presidential position included a lot of duties in its job description, but babysitting was not one of them.

To be honest, Mokuba felt a little insulted. He oversaw a lot of important projects within KaibaCorp, and usually wasn't involved with any big meetings with other corporations. Either that was Seto’s thing, or they both were too important and busy to get involved. So when Seto told Mokuba he was needed for a meeting with the Leo Corporation, he was surprised. When Seto told him he was seeing the CEO's younger brother, he wasn't happy. As the VP of KaibaCorp, Mokuba was aware of the hierarchies of many of the corporations his brother did business with. Even if he and Riley were around the same age, Riley held no position within the Leo Corporation . This was glorified babysitting while the ‘grown ups’ talked. 

What did a kid their age who didn't help run one of the biggest companies in the world do? Before Seto acquired KaibaCorp, Mokuba spent most of his time being bullied and being rescued from bullies by Seto. Sure, he liked to duel and play capsule monsters and stuff, but that didn't mean Riley would. He'd never met Riley in/person before, so he didn't know what to expect. 

Eventually, Reiji Akaba brought Riley into Mokuba’s office himself. He introduced himself as well as Riley to Mokuba. Then he bent down to Riley's level and calmly told Riley they would be spending time with Mokuba until he returned. Once he was sure Riley was okay with that, he left to attend his meeting with Seto.

The two of them were alone. 

"I'm Mokuba." Mokuba had no idea whether to offer Riley a handshake or not. Riley stared at him blankly, not seeming to expect one." To be honest, I don't know what we're supposed to be doing,” Mokuba admitted. Talk business? Play with cars?

Riley shrugged. "Don't know." 

Well, great, this was already going well. 

Unfortunately Mokuba couldn't give up on this meeting altogether. Seto had warned Mokuba to leave a good impression with Riley; leaving a good impression with Riley meant leaving a good impression with Reiji, and good impressions were everything. Mokuba had to do his best to like, make friends and interact. Ew. He had to think of something.

"Do you like dueling?”

"Uh huh." 

"Do you want to duel now?" 

This was a more difficult question for Riley to answer. It took them over a minute to think. "Okay." 

Well, for being such a hesitant duelist, Riley sure was a good one. Not better than Mokuba, of course. He liked the occasional Ritual Monster (Hungry Burger was a given), but he was mostly a dragon user. It was hard not to be a fan of dragons when your brother was Seto Kaiba. At least Mokiba had some monsters to help set himself apart. But while Mokuba’s deck used a lot of special summoning, Riley's was on a whole other level. Fusion, XYZ, they had it all. Mokuba wouldn't be surprised if they had any Ritual Monsters in there, too.

Mokuba still had the upper hand, obviously, but he never should have underestimated his opponent.

The duel never got to end. 

At the sound of glass shattering, Mokuba immediately was alert. The glass came from the big window in his office -- it was supposed to be bulletproof, and he didn't work on the ground floor, but somehow this wasn't the first time this had happened. He'd been kidnapped enough times to know a kidnapping attempt when he saw one. Who was after him? Why now? He was the middle of very important work with a business partner. At least they should wait until Mokuba was alone. That’s Kidnapping 101! He turned to the window, but he couldn't immediately see anyone there. 

Mokibar looked towards Riley. They were staring at the broken glass, their hands covering their ears. Tears were forming in their eyes as they dropped to the floor. 

This was all going to leave a really bad impression on the Leo Corporation.

At least both of them still had their duel disks. Maybe they could duel their way out of this. 

Vines covered in thorns stretched through the hole in the window and into Mokuba’s office. Someone climbed up and jumped into the room. The way their face was covered by a mask prevented Mokuba from knowing if he recognized them or not.

"Who are you?” Mokuba demanded.

"I am the Black Rose Witch.” 

A stranger, then. Mokoba forced himself to relax. “If you want to meet with me or my brother, you'll have to make an appointment with our secretaries. Both of us have very busy schedules; as you can see, I'm in the middle of an important meeting.”

“I don't need an appointment with the likes of you," the witch said, as they turned their face in Riley's direction. Tears were falling down Riley's face uncontrollably, but they seemed to be trying to pull their hands away from their ears. “Besides, this meeting does not seem so important." 

Mokuba rolled his eyes. So the witch thought they were above everyone else, but that was nothing new to him. He grew up with Seto Kaiba. "So if you don't want an appointment, what are you here for, then?" 

“I am here on behalf of the Arcadia Movement.”

"Arcadia?" Mokuba blinked. He hadn’t been expecting that, though the plants made more sense now. "The psychic duelist group?" Cult, more like, but he had no interest in calling out his would-be kidnapper on that and aggravating them. Of course he knew about Arcadia. KaibaCorp knew about everything. 

“Psychic duelist?" Riley whispered. They didn't seem capable of much more than that. Mokuba was barely close enough to hear them.

"Duelists that can summon duel monsters and card effects to the real world,” Mokuba explained. "My brother doesn't believe in that stuff, but I'm not him. I mean, we do actually know a psychic duelist. Though they don't really call themself that.” He glared of the witch. “What do a bunch of psychic duelists want with me, anyway?"

“I told you, you are not the one I seek!” A violent wind started whipping through the room. There was no way the wind outside was this strong!

Mokobe reflexively lifted his duel disk in front of him. Yeah, that'll help a lot against a psychic duelist. "Then what do you want?"

“The Arcadia Movement is here for Riley Akaba.” The witch took a step towards Riley and Mokuba. The wind picked up, pulling cards from their duel disks and sending them flying around the room.

"The Leo Corporation apparently does a good job of making sure Riley is never alone, like a possession to be guarded. That's why we're here to free you. Of all the people you were to be around, Mokuba Kaiba, despite being the vice-president of Kaiba Corp, was determined to be the least threat, which is why we are here now.”

“Hey!” Mokuba  allowed himself only a moment to feel hurt by that. He knew he had to be the one to act, he was used to these situations while Riley still didn’t look like they were doing too well. This was weird, though. Mokuba was used to the one being kidnapped, but not so much to being there during the kidnapping while not being the target. What was he supposed to do? What could he do? He jumped in front of Riley, putting himself between them and the witch. "Not on my watch! You'll have to get through me to get to Riley.” 

The Black Rose Witch seemed unphased by Mokuba’s declaration (though it was hard to tell under their mask). They held up a card. "Ivy Shackles!" 

Mokuba felt himself thrown towards the side of the room. He couldn't stop the scream that flew out of him. He didn't feel himself make contact with the wall, but the next thing he knew he was next to it, tangled up in a bunch of plants. This must be the Ivy Shackles, huh? 

Riley turned to look at Mokuba. Tears were still falling down their face, slowly now. Yeah, this was going to leave a great impression. At this rate, Kaiba Corp would never get to speak to the Leo Corporation again, Shakily, Riley stood up on their feet. As they looked at Mokuba, he saw something change in their eyes. A darkness appeared that he hadn't seen before now.

The witch took a step towards Riley. 

Riley's head snapped back in the witch's direction. One remained in their Extra Deck; Riley looked down as if as if he were listening to something, then drew the card out of their duel disk. "Psychic duelist... " They stared at the card as they held it in their hand. “Dark Rebellion Supreme King Dragon, I need help.” 

A huge dragon curled itself around Riley, roaring; there was bavely enough room for it in Mokuba’s office. Riley placed one of their hands against it. It was as real as the Ivy Shackles of the Black Rose Witch. The dragon bent its head towards Mokuba. Mokuba flinched, not knowing what to expect, but the dragon used its mouth to tear away the Ivy Shackles and free him.

The Black Rose Witch took a step back. “You’re..." 

“I don't need your help. I don't need to be freed." They bared their teeth, scowling at the witch. "I want to be here! I want to be with my brother and my friends. This is what I want!” 

Dark Rebellion Supreme King Dragon stepped around Mokuba and Riley before roaring at the witch, swiping at them with its claws. Pretty soon the witch was retreating, even though Mokuba had the feeling they could have fought back. He wondered if they would come back, if they would go after Riley again.

Mokuba looked to Riley again. He could still see that darkness there, but it was disappearing. Now he couldn't believe the way he'd looked down on them , how incompetent he'd thought they were when they first walked into his office.

"I'm not being watched because I need to be guarded. It's because I'm dangerous.” 

“Uh, thanks," he said weakly.

The door to Mokuba’s office flew open. "What happened?" Reiji ran into the room; the commotion must been able to be heard in Seto's office, then. Reiji ran to Riley's side to check on them. He did not appear phased by the giant real dragon in the room that disappeared the second Riley saw him. 

“I am so sorry, we should have better security than this,” Mokuba immediately said. "I did my best--"

Reiji silenced Molaba with a look. His expression was hard to read. "I am not mad with you." Reiji was able to quickly  tell that Riley was unharmed. 

“Someone tried to kidnap me," Riley told Reiji. "But Mokuba and I were able to chase them away.” 

Mokube really hadn't been able to do much besides getting smacked around, but at the moment he didn't have it in him to protest. 

He blinked, and Seto was by his side. His brother had come, too. "Mokuba, what happened?" 

“It was Arcadia.” A wave of exhaustion was hitting Mokuba. He hadn't realized it until it really hit him that they were safe now. 

Selo frowned. He looked closely at Mokuba. "This meeting is over. You need to get checked out”

“I'm fine," Mokuba protested. He wasn't so weak that he needed to be helped with every little thing. Reiji and Riley Akaba were right there. This was embarrassing.

Seto rolled his eyes. “You’re covered in scratches and you hit your head against the wall. I won't let you take chances with your health like this, Mokuba." 

Did he hit his head against the wall? Mokuba didn't remember that happening, but his head did hurt. The scene melted away for a second. For just a moment it wasn't KaibaCorp’s president checking on his vice president after an attack during a business meeting. It was Seto and Mokuba alone in the world, Seto checking on Mokuba after a bully came after him. Mokuba tried not to tear up. He hadn't thought about those days in a long time. He’d hardered up since those days, a conscious effort to become more self-reliant. Seto had changed since then, too. 

But in all the time that had passed, Seto still had Mokuba’s back when he needed it. In all that had changed, they hadn't lost each other.

[pseudoneiiric]

meta post: lili and her gender

let me go on the record to say that i fucking love lilian eyler with my whole heart, like, i typed all this out and im so fucking emotional about her! in the past, i've written things about hello charlotte and how the lgbt representation is... lacking, let's call it, and i've also made a few headcanon posts here and there about lilian's transition and her relationship with gender. so i thought, you know, let's actually write a whole ass thing about it. so here it is.

content warnings: gender dysphoria, suicide attempts, homophobia/transphobia in the original source material

PART 1: ETHERANE'S BAD TAKES so... etherane did not handle lgbt stuff well, like, in the slightest. lili is canonically genderfluid, as seen in one of those little profile things that etherane drew that doesn't actually show up in any of the games. but her genderfluid identity isn't handled well at all in the actual source material. actually, in general, hello charlotte is pretty transphobic. to cite one example, there’s this journal entry in hello charlotte 3 talking about “defective” charlotte vessels, and one of the things that can make a charlotte vessel “defective” is for them to be born amab or intersex. this already has some really bad vibes, but then we remember also that one of the big functions of charlottes is apparently for them to be sexualized (yikes!!!!!) and so we also get this weird kind of like, “trans people aren’t hot” kind of take?

but anyway. when it comes to lilian specifically, she never actually states in canon that she’s genderfluid or otherwise trans, not even in the spinoff visual novel, which, by the way, would have been the perfect place to address her gender identity, and she consistently uses he/him pronouns. we don’t actually get to see any of her thought processes about her gender at all — like at this point, i can’t even say it’s a non-issue because that would imply that they even mentioned her gender in canon. the only time we can potentially extrapolate from canon that lili might not be cis is when anri mentions that charlotte is lili’s self-insert oc. that’s kind of heavy-handed with the whole “charlotte being the female name for charles”, but that’s another matter. the point is, with the lack of any canon basis that lilian’s even vaguely questioned her gender, the reveal that she’s actually genderfluid with like, two pieces of artwork that are detached from the actual game feels very pxrfxrmxtxvxly xnclxsxvx (performatively inclusive) especially considering how.... etherane talked about lilian’s gender in particular within the actual canon material.

after all, the story behind lilian is effectively that, after she was born, her mother was forced to abort her second child, a daughter that she would name scarlett. doing so plunged her into a really deep depression that eventually took on delusional qualities. so ever since lilian was about three years old, her mother has been referring to her exclusively as scarlett, asking her to ‘ be a good girl ’ and similarly raising her as a girl. we can see here that etherane seems to have implied that genderfluidity is something that happens because other people make it so, and isn’t an identity and lived experience. (bad take!) although, albeit unintentionally, i think etherane did lay some groundwork to talk about lilian’s relationship with her gender, specifically with regards to her projection onto her oc, charlotte. in high school, when she’s more active on the internet, we see that she’s going by charlotte and using she/her pronouns. anri, her irl friend, is pretty openly critical of that, but she sort of brushes off anri’s complaints and continues to present as feminine online. now, there’s this fanfic writer who goes by the pseudonym “c”, and lilian very quickly takes an interest in him. the way she talks to c, who doesn’t know her irl, compared anri, who does, is just like flat-out like they’re completely different people.

compare, her with c:

to her with anri:

i also wanted to mention that lili does occasionally act more “femininely” with anri, but it’s never to the extent that she does with c, and in general, affectionate banter is sort of... outright ridiculed in their friendship both ways. see this one exchange:

anri: >:) always up for some roasting lili: right? <3 <3 anri: now you’re the one being gross

unrelated but it fucking kills me that anri was like “ily <3” and lili went “gross” so she went “kys” and lili deadass goes “that’s better” like that’s what anri is referencing when she says “now you’re the one being gross” and im like... please just be healthy friends who don’t wish death on each other???

it’s also worth noting that c doesn’t know that she’s not “actually” a girl, and literally when they meet, she goes like, “it’s you who should be disappointed in me. charlotte turned out to be charles, whoops! i bet you were hoping that i’d be a cute girl.” and that’s... really depressing, like, she ended up really leaning into that cutesy side of her when she was talking to c and now she feels the need to be a lot more... sarcastic and bitter, like how she is with anri, because now c “knows the truth about her”, that she’s “actually been a guy all along”.

in any case, i think the intent that etherane was going for with this was kind of like... “lilian’s actually a repressed cis gay man!” which is . not great. it gives off this really gross vibes where it’s implied that since lili was raised as a girl and is into men, she got “confused” and started going by she/her online because she couldn’t come to terms with her sexuality or whatever. and that’s just such a bad take!!!

not to mention that a really important part of lili’s backstory is... her germaphobia. she has persistent delusions accompanied by visual hallucinations where she sees people as “parasites”, which visually manifests as them rotting or decomposing. because of that, she wears gloves all the time and is repulsed by physical touch. but when she meets c (whose real name is vincent) in person, she pretty much instantly goes for skin-to-skin contact with him, where she takes off her glove and holds his hand. and like, sure, that’s sweet, but that’s really not how mental illness... works. in the slightest. she doesn’t react at all when his hand touches hers, despite the fact that she has literally had panic attacks in canon from touching things without her gloves. and it gives off this implication that mental illness can be cured with romance somehow, and that’s a really bad take!

this feeds into fandom understanding that like, well, if lilian sees vincent as pure and allows him to touch her, then Obviously she’d let him kiss her, they could probably have sex, etc. and like... she’s canonically asexual though! and that brings us to the other implication, that asexuality is somehow... caused by something. like, there’s nothing in canon to state that lilian experiences sexual attraction (or even really romantic attraction, like i know etherane went off in heaven’s gate and did a lot of ship tease, but she never really outright says she’s crushing on anyone), but judging from the way etherane handled lilian’s gender identity, i have a sneaking suspicion that she established lilian’s asexuality with her mental illnesses specifically in mind. lilian’s autistic, germaphobic, has severe ocd, and she’s been sexually assaulted in the past. therefore, she must be asexual! that’s the sort of vibes i get from the game, and im not here for it. similarly to how her genderfluidity was handled, she makes no actual statement in canon that she doesn’t experience sexual attraction. the closest she’s ever come to this is when she says to anri in heaven’s gate that she is just straight up not interested in kissing (to which anri is like, “well what if it were vincent owo??” which. ugh. anyway). it just seems really strange to me to design a character with severe mental health issues with regards to physical touch and then just sort of treat it as a given that she’s asexual. it’s another example of etherane implying that lgbt identities are results of traumatic experiences or symptoms of mental illness and not an identity or lived experience. you can be sex-repulsed and not be asexual, and while i understand that many people do identify as ace due to trauma and other such things, it still feels like really bad rep when taken with the way lilian’s genderfluidity was portrayed.

PART 2: HOW “CHARLES” IS DIFFERENT FROM “LILIAN”

throughout hello charlotte, lilian identifies herself as a passive observer, someone who doesn’t directly interfere in events. this applies mostly to her existence in false realm, where she’s like... a god, and doesn’t want to interfere in the balance of the world. but i believe she also has always seen herself as an observer. in her very first scene, the one where she and anri are watching someone get bullied, she’s the one who tells anri that there’s no point in getting help. because her role is just to observe. to take pictures for anri, to be a good girl, to say yes to everything and to never express her opinions, feelings, thoughts.

and honestly, i think the main reason for that is that she’s dysphoric. whenever she talks about herself, she’s really self-deprecating, especially compared to when she talks about charlotte. i feel like the main reason why lilian detaches herself from the world and refuses to really perceive herself is because she’s fundamentally disgusted with her gender presentation. and like, we can see in the two times that she’s presented femininely (with c and in that one comic) that lili is just so much happier and more bubbly when she’s presenting as feminine. you can literally see her stop dissociating and becoming more present in the moment because she’s just. so much more comfortable in her skin. compare:

these pictures with this one:

it’s funny i was going to say that there is a picture where she’s presenting as masculine and actually smiles like a person, but guess what! she’s texting c! so she’s actually performing femininity!

but the point is, like... when she’s presenting as masculine, especially in the canon pictures rather than etherane’s art, she just doesn’t look... happy. and then we compare that to how much more present she seems when she’s presenting as feminine, and how much more comfortable she seems in being, like, happy! and cute! but there is a downside to this. and that is...

PART 3: DIFFICULTIES IN LILI’S TRANSITION

in my sort of... “main verse” for lili, i have it so that her suicide attempt failed and that she was somehow... saved from drowning. mother passes away and she starts to... soul search a little bit and find a reason to live, and somewhere along the line she starts to transition socially. that means she starts transitioning at a pretty... extremely vulnerable point in her life. in the year between 18-19 years old, she’d be a wreck. she’s growing her hair out, but she feels insecure about it. she starts to wear skirts, but only at home. she buys makeup and never wears it. it’s a long process for her, because it’s one thing to go by she/her online or to claim she’s just a gender-confused gay boy and a completely different thing to come out as a trans woman and to actually see herself as a woman and not some kind of imposter. considering that she was raised as a girl, she would have a large amount of guilt over transitioning, feeling like she’s going to be seen as confused, or that her gender identity is a direct result of her childhood trauma. but she’s not just worried that others will see her that way: she’s worried that she’s going to see herself that way.

and for a long time, she probably does see herself that way. for a long time, scarlett would probably treat her transition as some kind of attempt to personify her unborn sister and comply with perceived expectations rather than an attempt to feel comfortable in her own skin. she’d get nervous that she’s somehow becoming scarlett, because though she’s always thought it would be easier if she’d just been her sister, she’s never really wanted to be scarlett. she’d be scared to wear mid-length skirts, scared to put her hair up in a bun, probably even scared to wear red for a time, all because she’s scared of somehow losing herself and becoming her alter.

because of her caution and concern with identifying as a trans woman and not as the “safer“ gender identity of genderfluidity (where she can say she’s trans but never actually have to “push boundaries” by wearing feminine clothing or using any pronouns besides he/him), it would likely take her a very long time to take the step to medically transition. she’d likely never get any gender affirmation surgeries just because of how invasive the procedure is, but hormones would probably be something she’d look into once she’s much older and has a more stable income.

i mentioned before that before her transition, she uses dissociation and observation as a way to cope with her gender dysphoria. she saw herself as someone who didn’t really participate in the world, was a class ghost, invisible to everyone and a minuscule part of a vast universe. but upon transitioning, she’d feel much more actively self-conscious. once she starts to present in a feminine way, she’d feel like she’s being seen, like she’s actually participating in the world, and that’s both a blessing and a curse.

she’d be much more prone to stammering, especially when saying her name, and would blush far more often. she’d be afraid of saying the wrong thing or messing up somehow. and on top of that, she’d likely feel predatory for talking to others, always wondering if others find her cute or repulsive, always wondering if someone will perceive her and harm her in some way.

she’d very likely also feel really guilty about her own emotional experience. because she’s so used to being a passive observer, a puppet that only does what others want, she would feel like it’s selfish to be just... content. she’s so actively disgusted with herself before she transitions that she’s never allowed herself to be mentally present for a happy moment in her entire life. she always second-guesses, always dismisses positive things as a mere coincidence, and after she transitions, when she starts being more present in her life, she’d feel so guilty for just allowing herself to be happy.

because of that, she has some trouble with presenting as feminine consistently — she’d vary the “level” of her feminine presentation from day-to-day, where she might go full femme one day and another day stick with a beanie and a pair of slacks. she’s much more comfortable with presenting as more traditionally feminine when she’s at home or with trusted friends in a private space, but around 19 years old, she makes a vested effort to remain in public spaces. she’d time herself, saying, “for one hour, i’ll stay in this café while wearing a skirt, and then i can leave,” and she’d gradually increase the amount of time she spends in public spaces. and eventually, eventually she does end up feeling really comfortable with her gender presentation and falls into a more static sense of style. she really likes clothing design, so she ends up wearing a lot more dynamic outfits when she’s more comfortable with herself, and she probably also mildly gets into cosplay.

i also like to think that she reconnects with anri during her young adult years. either it’s like, right after her suicide attempt (i’ve written before that she’d had anri listed as her emergency contact and forgot to change it when she moved), or it’s at some point after she starts transitioning socially. i think it’d be really sweet for them to be friends in a more real way, and the sheer concept of anri teaching lili how to properly apply makeup and to set her hair is just so fucking sweet i might die. they both deserve to have friends so i think this is just a step up from hello charlotte canon.

[timeisacephalopod]

1 & 99 for the Get In My Business Please question list?

The meaning behind my url:

If you’re talking my writing blog URL its literally just what my AO3 name is, which was chosen when I was 18 and liked Criminal Minds a lot. In hindsight it was a bad choice but I can’t change it now lmao. If you’re talking my personal blog (ridingcthulhudick) I just thought it was hilarious. And if anyone quoted my blog in an actual publication they’d have to print that my blog name is not appropriate lmao.

Have you ever met someone who didn’t seem real?

When I got this question I was like ‘do you answer on your phone’ and decided no because I have some fucking tales ok. You guys have all heard about this person if you’ve followed me for awhile- this is the person that I called on racism and she didn’t show up to school for a week after. But that is really only the tip of the ice berg.

So I meet this person at the beginning of my school year, who like me is named after a season, and she’s odd- wearing a cowboy hat with all these fandom pins and ok. That’s strange but ok. Then she starts talking, goes on an on about her kids, I discover that she’s 27 but if I were to age her by actions, style of dress, and mannerisms I’d put her at 17 and that’s only because she was in post secondary so that’s the youngest she could be. Otherwise I would have gone 15. And she has 2 kids. So ok. I leave and something is off about her but people can be eclectic and I don’t like being judgmental so I leave it be and let her actions speak for themselves rather than jumping to conclusions.

Class starts and she never. Shuts. The. Fuck. Up. And I don’t mean like useful advice, or even interesting facts that are irrelevant to the class but at least neat to know like another student in the class does. I mean every. Fucking. Thing. Out of her mouth is useless. So we all decide she’s annoying amongst each other and we all start to back away slowly.

Now we may seem like dickheads at this point but keep in mind, within a week, we all knew these things about her: she has 2 kids that were taken by child services and she complains about it a lot, she has an obsession with tiny houses, she’s a bronie and sometimes takes commissions for bronie porn, she’s a furry- which isn’t inherently bad but combined with the rest it just becomes another weird thing about her, she’s homophobic but also pansexual (??), she has a fiancee, but maybe also 2 boyfriends, we still aren’t sure and we’ve found her scrolling in dating sites, she’s an artist but I literally drew better at 12 (though in her slight defense I am naturally gifted at drawing), she tried to start a conversation with a friend of mine about incest on a busy street, and has a weird obsession with The Human Centipede. This isn’t even all of it, this is just the first fucking week.

So the semesters go by and in my school they’re 3 months long, which is a little shorter than normal universities, and we just got through our 3rd term. Here is what we know now. She lives in a small city (a couple hundred thousand people), but talks about it like its a small ass town like the one I came from (which is under 2000 people). Another student lives in the same city and has no fucking clue what she’s talking about. She’s sexist and racist (like hella racist- once she claimed that because she grew up with some Natives in her life she is one. That’s not how it works, and given how confused she seems to be on various cultural aspects that I know of from Natives in our area- which is admittedly not a lot I will full well acknowledge- this is a total lie). And she’s L O S T on all social cues. And not in a way where some people, like people on the autistic spectrum, are- I mean she intentionally has ignored social rules her whole fucking life and expects everyone to compensate for her bullshit kind of way.

And that’s a whole other thing. Not only is she racist, sexist, and homophobic, but she also has this obsession with bullying. She’s always on about high school (mostly in regards to herself- I will remind you all she’s 27) and bullying and has, on several occasions, defended school shooters and claimed they did it because bullying. As your local queer kid in a small, very homophobic town, eat shit bud white boys don’t school shoot because they were bullied- signed every other minority ever. Anyways. This grates my nerves and keep in mind I am a patient person, so I don’t like being That Guy. But there comes a point where I can’t morally or logically stand by when you’re an asshole. So a friend of mine from class was talking racism and she goes on what is essentially a #NotAllWhitePeople rant, claiming we should leave racism in the past and focus on the now, blah, blah. So I was like no, we have to examine the past because it continues to influence the present- to break this down into a smaller event this would be like a person in an abusive relationship focusing on processing their trauma and moving on from it- you gotta acknowledge the past to move forward.

WELL, she was not having this so I called her racist, because she continued on pulling the ‘colorblind’ argument, which is a fucking cop out so I said it. She was all ‘that’s my OPINION’ so I was like well then your opinion is racist, like shit son don’t hit me with that crap. In this exchange we’ve traded a good four sentences or so back and forth and the student that was originally talking racism (and the only brown person in this discussion) offered a single sentence of support for my argument. But she was silent for most of it. Well once More Annoying Tomi Lauren stomped off we find out she whined and cried about the brown woman eating her ass when it was my lily white ass that went all in. I was pissed.

Anyways. So we’ve established that she’s an asshole, and also weird as fuck. Lets run a highlight reel of this person: obsessed with tiny houses, general asshole, also emotionally manipulative but I didn’t even get time to cover that, looks and acts like a particularly annoying 15 year old (I’m so sorry to 15 year olds, you all deserve better than being lumped in with this), has an obsession with bullying but defends her racism (???), has the aesthetic of someone who shops at Claires and the lost and found exclusively, every single character she writes is a self insert (and I hadn’t covered that either- fuck I have tales ok), constantly monopolizes class time by yapping about shit no one cares about, thinks the Big Bang Theory is a good show, can’t take criticism for shit, and has more confidence than Joss Whedon when he wrote Age of Ultron.

There is more people- I didn’t actually touch on the emotional manipulation, which often links in with the bullying obsession, or any of the self inserts let alone her actual attempts at story. I didn’t even touch on all her racist Facebook posts or that time she whined about the gender neutral Canadian anthem (changed recently), which resulted in my sourcing that the fucking anthem was gender neutral when it was written, then was changed, and is now being changed back so at least know the fucking history of the anthem before whining and crying about it being changed. This is just what I remembered off the top of my head.

A friend and I from class once went out with a bud of his and we were talking about her and halfway through I realized she sounds fake. It sounds like writers all sat down in a room and were like ‘what pile of weird and asshole traits can we give a person?’ and then we created her. But we did not, we would not intentionally let ourselves suffer that way. And, AND, this is key- you’ve all read my writing here. You know I can create whole worlds with various levels of efficacy- I’ve written almost 200 stories that I’ve put on my AO3- but I simply am not creative enough to invent this person. I never would have combined ‘racist, self insert writing, tiny house obsessed person who thinks the Human Centipede is a movie that makes you think’. I wish that last part was a fucking joke but that’s deadass a quote. It is not a movie that makes you think. Wolf of Wall Street is a movie that makes you think assuming you figure out its a satire intentionally making fun of every white male power fantasy ever, not the fucking human centipede.

Conclusion: If you are so generally off the rails that a writer who prefers writing fantasy and science fiction is not creative enough to have invented you you are Some Shit ok. Like Hannibal Lecter is a character someone invented and that guy probably couldn’t have come up with my seasonal nemesis ok. There’s just too much to unpack there and she’s too willing to throw it all at us like a monkey flinging turds. I can’t believe this is a real human being. I wish I didn’t know she was, but if I have to suffer so do all of you.

[aroaceslytherin]

WARNING

My family may deny it, but they really are not the greatest. My life has never been the greatest. I have gone through a lot of shit not everyone believes. So I keep quiet and drown myself in music, books, and fandoms to forget everything that has happened, and each song, ship, and fandom has a story to me. I feel like no one wants to listen. My mother does not believe and my father, though he will listen, will not always support it or me. My mother listens as well but it feels toxic. The whole house feels toxic. They love me, yes, but not in a way I had hoped so I actually do not feel loved. I feel relief in other people’s homes and around other people’s moms. It is so hard living in a household where your two step-siblings are related, they have each other, they have always had each other, they have both blood parents, they were never pushed to the side. My step-dad immediately stepped in to care for me, almost acting like he was replacing my father. Or so it looked like it to me. My parents got divorced when I was two, both remarried when I was four, both gave me another sibling at six, my mother and step-dad gave me my second brother when I was eight. Shortly after he was born, maybe around 9-10 years old, my dad divorced my first step-mom. I developed eating disorders, identity crises, a fear of throwing up, and the art of entertaining myself through imaginary friends and talking to myself as a coping mechanism. My first step-mom even hit me once so I now have a flinching habit, no one believes that, our relationship is currently being repaired. My mother forgets things I tell her. When I was 12-13, he married again. They got divorced when I was just nineteen, almost twenty. I got really close to her, she accepted me for who I was, she listened, she was kind and patient, she asked us politely to finish or do something, we were involved in everything, she was my mom. Then all of a sudden the script flipped. She was gone. The house was a shell of what used to be. It was probably the harder one to go through because we connected and she helped repair some things within me. I thought it was finally gonna be it. But it wasn’t. I am almost scared to love now because of these things. I know my dad says he’s not thinking about meeting anyone else, but I can’t accept it. Something inside me won’t let me. I love that our relationship is changing and we are repairing some things, but there is still something there that is making it weird. When I was sixteen, I started talking online with a guy I had a crush on when I was a little kid, maybe around the ages of six to eight. Our first kiss was at eight years old. He was still slightly abusive at just a young age, which is shocking. He was Mormon/LDS and not respectful of my body nor his. He kinda bullied me in the church halls and at school when no was around, but I didn’t realize this until I was older. I could have potentially gotten murdered if we had gone through with a meet-up date. While we were talking, he was manipulative, gas-lighting me, love-bombing me, cheating on me, playing me, and dating/talking to multiple other girls. I dated a girl shortly after we broke up, that lasted about six months. While I was talking to her, I told my guy friend I liked him. As he and I started talking more, I broke up with her. The last I heard from her she was married, they had two kids, and she was happy. I am happy she’s happy and I apologized for dragging her into my mess. I hope she is still doing well. I hope all five of my ex-girlfriends, two ex-boyfriends, those four guys I talked to, and that one non-binary partner are all doing well. I do not know where me and my friend are at right now or what is going to happen when he gets home, but I really hate that I pulled myself into this mess. It really is not all my fault that this all happened, I was broken and confused by someone I thought I could have trusted. He turned around and stabbed me in the back, ripping my heart out of my chest.

It took me two years to forget, but I am still dealing with the after effects - like not being comfortable around boys/men. I put up walls and the only person who managed to pull them down and push past them, was my friend/crush. I tried pushing him away, but he is still around. I am grateful for him, and my other two guy friends and my four female friends. Not only with everything my first ex had done messed me up, but my father, when I was younger, though a great father, had anger issues, depression, and struggled with certain addictions. I remember he punched a hole in a wall close to my crib sometime when I was younger, possibly around Christmas time. No one remembers well. He loved me to no avail, got stories from his mom, but our relationship has always been rocky. This stretch of singleness has been hard for me because although I am happy by myself, I want to see what happens. I no longer look at it as a way of fulfillment… though it is hard to explain, I want to try. I used to want them just because. Because I had been hurt. Because I needed to be shown a real man. To be shown that my body isn’t a toy. That I am not useless. I understand these things, I know these things, I just think I need that confirmation from someone who actually listens, understands, and cares for me. Now that I love myself though, even though at times I still want to leave this world and still struggle with depression, anxiety, PTSD, panic attacks, memories, ADHD, ADD, insomnia, and so many other mental and physical challenges, I am going to be okay with whatever happens between the two of us. Something about the way I was raised and the way my family said things made me afraid to cry, ask questions, ask for help, make my own food without feeling like I was doing something wrong, be okay with eating, etc… I never knew different until I saw the way my crush’s family acted and I always felt left out when these daughters had awesome relationships with their fathers and they showed up to everything. Yes, my dad showed up to things but he missed a lot and was late a lot. I always ended up asking myself, ‘Why me?’ And as I had said, growing up in a household with two siblings who get both blood parents hasn’t been easy either. A huge red flag to my ex should have been when he pushed my baby sister off his bed from the top bunk and held me down so I wouldn’t be able to rescue her. My mother came in to rescue her, but then we were alone again. It is so sickening that when we are younger, this is taught as a way of a boy saying he likes you. No! This is just the start of him becoming a possible abuser! I would say physical touch is more prominent for me, I think it might be because I wasn’t held much by my father or mother when I was younger. He would sit me on the floor with toys and watch me as my mother went out to work. After they separated, she worked a lot so I had my aunts and nannies or babysitters watching me. I still have nightmares, night terrors, and other sleeping problems from this. I also have abandonment issues. I also adore time and words of affirmation… just talking in general. Letting them get to know the deepest parts of me. Pre-school seemed like it was a second home to me, I became the teacher’s pet because my parents worked late and more often just to support us. No one knows I cry at night because I hold it in because on one has ever believed me. It seems like they have forgotten I was bullied in school and church as well. No one seems to know the different types of bullying, abuse, and trauma either. Not unless you go through it. Well, I have gone through many types. And I shouldn’t have had to. I shouldn’t have had this life. But it’s just made me stronger.