#this conversation should probably be rewritten bc of the events that happened before it but oh well | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

cherryrogers · 5 years ago

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Falling For You.

— Chapter 9

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader

(Modern High School AU)

Warnings: Swearing, tiny bit of angst?? sorta fluffy.

Synopsis: Unlike most teenagers, you had your life completely mapped out. You’d graduate high school, go off to the university of your dreams, and live the life that your parents always wanted you to. That was always the plan.

Falling for Bucky Barnes, however, was never part of that plan.

Being ‘just friends’ isn’t enough. Becoming anything more is too much. But suppressed feelings can’t stay ignored forever, and you were about to learn that a lot sooner than you thought

Inspired by the song ‘Fallingforyou’ - The 1975

A/N: okay so i’m sorry this is like a week late oof but here we are!! this ones a little shorter but just bc i didn’t feel like it needed anything else?? and i’ve rewritten it like ten times but we eventually came through and finished so please enjoy :) next chapter will be better,,, i’m excited.

Series Masterlist

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A content sigh left your lips as you stepped through the familiar glass doors of the large building, not having seen them for some while. The library had always acted as a safe place for you; it was a place where you could study quietly without distraction, a place where there was a textbook on anything and everything, a place where your parents weren’t, which always tended to be a good thing.

It was 8:02am. If Bucky knew you were there so early on the first day of Winter break, he’d physically collect you himself from the library and take you back home so that you could get back into bed, where every other teenager was at that time of morning. And if it wasn’t him that was teasing you about it, it’d be Wanda or Pietro.

However, you weren’t currently on great terms with either of the three, so it looked like you could spend time at the library in peace.

You’d barely been able to sleep the night before, the events of the Winter Formal refusing to leave your mind for a second while you tried to drift into a place where you momentarily forgot about everything. After waking up at 7am and not being sure when you actually managed to fall asleep, you presumed that there was no point in even trying to shut your eyes again. You needed to busy your brain with something, and what was your go-to way of distracting yourself from your problems? Studying, which is why you didn’t waste any time dropping your school bag down on the the table at the back of the library and pulling out your pens and paper, ready to revise in an attempt to ease your worries.

Time seemed to work differently when you studied. You felt like you hadn’t been sat down five minutes colour-coding your notes and answering practice questions before your phone started buzzing on the table next to you, and the corners of you mouth upturned as Wanda’s name appeared across the screen.

The ride home from the dance was awkward, to say the least. However, you were thankful when Vis approached the table where you were sat alone in the school hall with a sympathetic smile, letting you know that he was about to take Wanda home and that you were welcome to hitch a ride too. Frankly, you thought you sort of deserved to have to walk home in heels amid the dark, bitter night, but even though Wanda wasn’t too happy with you, you knew that she wouldn’t let you do that.

“Wanda, hey.” You breathed out, nerves beginning to build up in your stomach.

“Hi, (Y/N).” The girl replied in a tone you couldn’t quite decipher. “Uh, how are you?”

The question surprised you a little, since you’d imagined that she’d probably still be a little sour towards you. “I’m okay, I guess.” That was a lie, but the conversation wasn’t meant to be about you or your feelings surrounding the dance. “Look, I’m really sorry about last night. It was selfish of me to leave Pietro alone and... and-”

“You don’t have to apologise.” Wanda cut you off, not wanting you to talk about Bucky just yet if you didn’t want to. “Not to me, anyway. It was none of my business what you were doing with Bucky, and sorry for accusing you of making out with him, that was immature of me. I just wanted to defend my brother.”

“It’s okay, I can imagine that it looked like... something it wasn’t.” The moment replayed in your mind for the thousandth time, and you pushed it out quickly. “But you had a right to be mad. Is Pietro alright?”

The girl paused for a second. “I’m don’t know, honestly. He hasn’t really talked about the dance, but he did see you disappear with Bucky yesterday. I think you should talk to him, (Y/N).”

“I know, and I will, but I’m not exactly sure when would be the best time to...” The situation was completely new to you, since you’d never had to deal with boy troubles of your own before. God, this is exactly why you didn’t get involved with boys. All you could think about was sorting things out with Pietro and then sorting things with Bucky. There was a part of you that longed to go back to junior year, when all you did was study your ass off, when you could actually ignore your feelings for Bucky.

“He’ll be at Val’s party on Friday, are you going?”

Truthfully, you weren’t planning on going. You’d gotten the text from Val, but hadn’t really given her an answer as to whether you’d attend or not. Unless you’d talked to Bucky and he wanted you to be there to make sure he didn’t drink too much, then there wasn’t really any reason for you to go. Being the only fully sober person at a party wasn’t fun, and if you still hadn’t sorted things with Bucky, then it would only hurt to see him there, assuming that he’d be going.

However, after texting Pietro to ask if he was okay once you’d gotten back from the dance and getting no reply, it seemed like the party might’ve been the only place you could catch him and pull him aside to talk in person. If you managed to talk to him there, then you could leave as soon as it was done.

“Uh, yeah. I’ll talk to him then.”

“Good.” Wanda sighed happily through the phone. “Do you... wanna talk about what happened with Bucky?”

You hesitated for a moment, but decided against talking about him with her just yet. If you were going to talk to Bucky, you didn’t want anyone else’s thoughts on the situation conflicting yours. You needed to deal with him yourself; you could fill Wanda in later. “I’m gonna talk to him first. I told him that I’d text him and... I’m gonna text him now; he doesn’t deserve to be left in the dark for any longer.”

“Okay, I’ll let you get straight to it. It’ll all work out, (Y/N), I’m sure of it.”

“I hope you’re right, Wanda. Thank you.” The last part of your sentence came out as a whisper as you ended the call.

Great, now you had one of your best friends back.

The time read 11:17am. If Bucky wasn’t awake, then that was just tough. After mending things with Wanda and planning to apologise to Pietro on Friday, you were determined fix things with Bucky too.

You let out a deep exhale as you selected his contact, typed out a text and shakily hit the send button.

You: Hey, Buck. Could we meet at Carter’s in an hour?

He knew that it’d be to talk, you didn’t even have to put that in your message. You felt your phone ping within minutes of you sending the text.

Bucky: sure, i’ll see you then

The conversation you were about to have was definitely long overdue. If you could’ve told your sixteen year old self that you were actually going to talk about your feelings for Bucky with the boy himself, you wouldn’t have believed it in a million years.

But that’s exactly what you were about to do, and you were terrified.

* * *

“Hey, Peggy. Could I get two coffees, please?”

The sound of his voice made your eyes shoot up from the table. You mustn’t have heard the bell chime as he walked into the diner, your focus being on what the hell you were going to say to him.

Moments later, Bucky was sliding into the booth and sitting directly across from you. Leaning back in your seat, you allowed yourself to look up at the boy. He looked... unlike himself. A smile wasn’t playing on his lips like usual, his fingers were tapping against the table in a nervous manner, and his eyes didn’t resemble a clear blue sky like they always did.

Peggy quickly brought over the drinks, shooting Bucky a sympathetic smile as she walked away, noticing her friends’ slightly unhappy expression. Was it because of you? Were you the one that took the light from his eyes? The thought made you feel terrible, like someone was tugging harshly on your heart strings.

You decided that you’d be the first one to speak after taking a small sip of your hot coffee. It was you who arranged the meeting, anyway. “I’m sorry about last night, Bucky. It... it freaked me out when Wanda found us and I became super aware that we were about to kiss and-”

“Sweets,” He intervened, the pet name making you feel warmer than the drink in your hands. His expression softened as he noticed your anxious demeanour. “Remember, uh... remember when we said that we wouldn’t hide anything from each other anymore?”

You nodded, not entirely sure of where he was leading the conversation.

“Well, last night when I tried to kiss you... that was me trying not to hide anymore.”

It still didn’t feel real. Having Bucky try to kiss you and then tell you that he likes you in the span of two days felt like a dream. Good or bad, you weren’t necessarily sure.

There was a short silence while you thought about what the boy had just admitted, and he didn’t attempt to break it. Bucky knew that the whole situation had you pretty overwhelmed, and the last thing that he wanted to do was make you feel like you couldn’t express how you really felt about it.

Anxiety was bubbling in your mind; you could tell by the way your foot was tapping quickly against the tiled floor and how your could barely stop biting your bottom lip, along with the thoughts of school, your parents and ultimately your future putting doubts in your head about letting Bucky in and confessing how you felt. You tried to ignore them as best as you could, but they were still there, taunting you like devils on your shoulder.

“I wanted to kiss you.” You confessed, feeling your body ease at the sight of Bucky’s eyes lighting up. “I tried to tell myself that I didn’t, that’s why I was about to pull away. I wanted to, though - I know I did.”

Now it was Bucky’s turn to process things. He should’ve been jumping for joy. You just said that you wanted to kiss him, which meant he wasn’t an absolute idiot for attempting to trying to make a move on you. However, the boy knew it wasn’t so simple. He knew that there was probably hundreds of doubts and worries in your head at that moment, and that maybe things weren’t going to work out just yet. “I mean, I’m glad, but... why do I have a feeling there’s a catch?”

He knew you too well. “But... it can’t happen again.”

A crinkle formed in his brows. Well, that certainly took the smile off his face. “(Y/N)-”

You sighed, taking a quick sip of your coffee in attempt to calm your nerves. Perhaps telling him that you wanted to kiss him was a mistake. You should’ve just told him off the bat that nothing could happen so that you could go back to your regular life and he could go back to his. “Bucky, you know it can’t-”

“You wanted to kiss me too, (Y/N).” Bucky’s jaw was clenched slightly, a silent indication that he was pleading for you to tell him how you really felt, whether it would hurt him or not. He exhaled slowly, noticing how his words slipped through gritted teeth and relaxing his expression. “Doesn’t that mean something to you?”

“I mean, yeah, it does.” You raised your voice slightly, a little frustrated that he didn’t remotely understand where you were coming from. “It means that for some stupid reason, we decided that we wanted to kiss each other and completely forget that we’re just friends.”

Bucky couldn’t help but let out a laugh, much to your annoyance. The both of you knew what you said was frankly bullshit, but you weren’t exactly going to admit that.

“What?”

“I don’t think you’re telling the whole truth.”

“I am telling the whole truth.”

“No, you’re not.” The boy shook his head. “I know you; this isn’t you being honest, this is you holding things back because you’re scared.”

He wasn’t meant to say that last part, but he didn’t exactly regret saying it either. Bucky wasn’t oblivious to the fact that your parents made it impossible for you to express your true feelings, but you’d just admitted that you wanted to kiss him, and that was something. He wasn’t giving up on you that easily, even if it required some tough love.

Your eyes narrowed at him. “You’re right; you do know me, which is why you know that this...” You motioned your hand between the two of you. “...you and me, shouldn’t be anything more than what we already are. That ‘almost kiss’ shouldn’t have happened.”

“But it did.” Bucky stated, an unmissable flash of hurt in his baby blues which made your stomach turn. You were hurting him with every word that came from your mouth, which was exactly what you never wanted to happen.

“Bucky, I don’t know what you want me to say, but I’m not going to tell you that I have feelings for you.”

“Because you don’t have feelings for me? Or because you’re afraid of what’ll happen if you do?”

You could feel your bottom lip beginning to quiver, a feeling so foreign to you that it took you by surprise. Were you about to cry? Yeah, there no way that was happening. He’d hit a soft spot, and he’d done it on purpose. You didn’t want to lie to him, but fuck, if you didn’t want to just bolt from your seat in the booth and pretend that you’d never even invited him to Carter’s...

“Because we’re both just gonna get hurt in the end, and I care about you too much to do that to you.”

The words left your lips faster than you could even process them, but it was true. You knew Bucky well, and you were sure that he’d be a great boyfriend someday, to someone who deserved him. It didn’t matter how much you wanted to grab him and kiss him, or how much time you could spend just staring at his smile; you weren’t girlfriend material. How could you possibly love someone and let yourself be vulnerable in front of them when you’d never been taught how to express your feelings? Suppressing them was unfortunately the only thing your parents had taught you from a young age. They never prepared you for when you actually found someone that you considered wanting to open up to.

Natahsa’s words replayed in your head. Whatever stopped you from kissing him shouldn’t matter if you care about him. And she was right; all the thoughts about your parents and school and opening yourself up shouldn’t matter at all with Bucky. But they did. They haunted your mind every single day, and Bucky didn’t deserve having the burden of them fall onto him too.

The boy opposite you had went quiet, eyebrows furrowed in thought and lips pursed nervously. It was at the point you decided that the conversation was over. You weren’t sure what would become of you and Bucky, whether you’d be able to fix your friendship, or whether things were only going to fall apart even more. The latter option hurt to even think about, but you didn’t think you could rule it out at that point.

You chugged the rest of your coffee and began to slide you way out of the booth, regretting even showing your face at the stupid Winter Formal. If you hadn’t have went, everything would still be the same, and that’s what you wanted. You wanted everything to go back to normal, right?

“Wait.” Bucky suddenly shot up from his seat, his hand encircling your wrist before you could pace towards the exit of the diner. There was an apologetic glint in his eye, and his lips were pressed into a straight line. “Where does this leave us?”

The corner of your lips raised ever so slightly into a sad smile. “I don’t know, Buck. I just need time to think, and I think you do too.”

His hand dropped from your arm to reach into his pocket, pulling out a ten dollar bill and placing it on the table where your two lone coffee cups sat. “I already know how I feel about you, (Y/N); I’ve known since the moment you rejected my ass last year.”

A weak chuckle fell from your lips as the memory reappeared in your mind. You’d felt really bad after that day, knowing that you felt the same for him but you’d shut him down anyway. Bucky hadn’t minded, though. He knew at that time that your parents had a massive hold over you, and that a relationship of any type definitely wasn’t on the cards for you. However, things weren’t the same anymore. You weren’t wanting to follow in your parents footsteps any longer, and you and Bucky knew more about each other than you did yourselves. Back then, Bucky could deal with just being your friend, but he wasn’t sure if that was true anymore.

“Would you hate me if I said I didn’t want something more?” You asked tentatively, your eyes meeting his. “If I said that we should just stay friends?”

You and him both knew that was the opposite of what you wanted, but you had to ask. If you were at risk of losing Bucky all together because you were too afraid of your own feelings for him, then you needed to know, and you needed to hear it from him.

The boy shook his head with a shy smile. “I could never hate you, sweets.”

After a few moments of quiet, you nodded slowly before beginning to turn to the exit of the diner again, feeling a little relieved at his answer. There was nothing else for you to say on your part, all you needed now was time. Time to think, time to process, time away from the boy that you only wanted to spend all of your time with.

“But... I don’t think we could ever just be friends.”

The words made you pause your movement for a short second, and Bucky didn’t have to see your face to know that they’d struck a chord, because he was right. He was completely fucking right and you had no idea what to do about it.

You and Bucky could never just be friends again after the dance, and frankly, you’d never been just friends. There was always a part of you that wanted more with him, and a part of him that wanted more with you. Even though you couldn’t see it then, you could see it now clear as day.

Refusing to turn back around, you continued towards the doors of the diner, and soon enough you were out of Bucky’s sight.

The boy couldn’t lie to himself; he was scared shitless. The conversation that you’d just had with him could’ve been the last, for all he knew. You could ultimately decide that he isn’t what you want. You could cut him out of your life with the snap of your fingers if you really wanted to. It was your decision to make, and Bucky had done all he could to try and convince you that there was nothing wrong with choosing him.

Even if you didn’t want him, even if you decided you didn’t want anything more with him and that his feelings for you had just amounted to nothing, he’d be okay. It would take some time, but he’d be alright eventually, because he didn’t regret anything that had happened between the two of you from the moment you’d met each other.

Meeting you was the thing that Bucky was most grateful for in this world, and despite whatever was going to happen next, falling for you was something that Bucky would never live to regret.

* * *

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#bucky barnes #bucky #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky x you #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes reader insert

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