#this chapter's more angsty but it gets more lighthearted later on

[jo-harrington]

Standard Operating Procedures 1.02 (Eddie Munson x Store Manager!Reader)

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader

Summary: You get to meet Eddie's friends.

Previous Part: Standard Operating Procedures 1.01

Warnings/Themes: AU where the Upside Down doesn't terrorize Hawkins. Reader works at the Claire's at StarCourt. Eddie works at TapeWorld. Fluffy, silly, mutual pining, slowish burnish. Allusions to more of Eddie's trauma/shitty people being shitty that will probably come up later. Some silly, goofy "boys will be boys" moments with Corroded Coffin.

Note: I keep introducing new characters and I'm sorry. (I mean it's only 2 at this point...3? I't doesn't matter. It's my party and I will have a million side characters if I want to.) But Welcome to SOP 1.02, the second of what will be many nights out with Eddie and Store Manager.

I know I'm posting this one after Corrective Action, but it technically comes before it. I'm working on writing chronologically...it is just taking a hot minute. I'm like a Time Lord, my brain doesn't work that way. One day we will catch up to Closing Time and then it doesn't have to be mutual pining and cute friendship/early relationship stuff, it can be love and fluff and probably some more angstier angst and filthy smut.

Besides I just love their goofy little date nights. And I needed to write something fluffy and lighthearted since this weekend seems to be angsty chapter fest elsewhere in the fic world. (iykyk. I love it, I just need some silliness.)

You can find my masterlist here for more featuring our resident Store Manager and all of my other random Eddie Headcanons.

Please do not interact if you are not 18+.

Enjoy!

---

“What time are you off tonight?”

“Uhhh,” you looked up at Eddie as he jogged into the store, partially out of breath. You were halfway through a piercing, but couldn’t possibly be annoyed at his appearance; he was quickly becoming one of your favorite people, after all.

Besides, it was another long, busy day; you and your ASM had both been doing back-to-back piercings for at least two hours, and there was a practically endless line at the cash wrap. With the (unexpected) success of the store, you were allowed to hire some new associates, one of whom was currently training on the register.

You welcomed the distraction that Eddie brought.

“The regular time? Why?" you asked, then paused for a second. "And sorry, but did you run up here?”

“Escalator is out of order,” he shrugged, still panting. Then under his breath “fuck, I shouldn’t skip out on gym so much.”

“The smoking is probably not doing you any favors either,” you tutted in a stage whisper and he rolled his eyes. "Give me like...a few minutes to finish up and then we can chat? And I swear to god, just wait in here please and not near the door; my conversion really sucks today."

He held up his hands innocently before shuffling off to the side to browse. You watched him for another second--admired how handsome goofy he looked--and then you turned back to the preteen in your chair. 

“Ok…you ready? Just one more time. One…two…” The girl winced a little bit as the needle punctured her ear. “I know it hurt but it wasn't too bad right? And you'll look so cool!” 

The soft “pretty” that came from her when you presented the mirror to show her the finished product a few minutes later was enough to make you smile brightly. After a quick "thank you" she skipped to the checkout line to proudly show her new earrings to her father--a man who clearly watched too much Magnum PI if the mustache and Hawaiian shirt were any indicator.

Once the station was cleaned up and you checked in with the rest of your team, you turned your attention to your visitor. You grabbed some random accessory off of one of the fixtures as you approached him.

"Excuse me sir, I think I found exactly what you need to complete your look today," you said in the entirely too bubbly way you usually spoke to customers. The one that you knew, after Eddie confessed during lunch the other day, made his skin crawl a little.

"It's a customer service voice."

"It's creepy."

"Oh yeah? And what's that?" he asked, eyebrows raised as he turned to you. From behind your back, you revealed a dressup headband that had fluffy red hearts wobbling on springs on either side of the head. You stood on your toes and jammed it onto his head, unable to contain your laughter as he leaned back to catch a glimpse of himself in a nearby mirror. "Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, but I think this really works."

He turned back to you and fluffed his hair a little. Then he held his hands below his chin while fluttering his eyelashes prettily.

“So what’s up?” You asked once he took the headband off. “I thought you were off on Fridays.”

“I am,” he nodded. “For Hellfire. But...it's a special circumstance. There's an early screening of this new movie--Day of the Dead? Did you ever see Night of the Living Dead? Of course you have, it's a classic."

"Sure."

"This ones, like, the last one of the trilogy." He had admitted to you last week that Return of the Jedi was his (secret) favorite of the Star Wars trilogy and that the last movies in trilogies were, in his opinions, the best. "Anyway it's gotta be good."

"It does sound cool." You agreed.

"Well I'm glad you think so, because I asked Jeff to get an extra ticket..." he paused and you could see the nerves settle in. "I figured...you might want to join us? If you're free after work?” 

He rambled on about his friends and how “Gareth got his license, finally, which is why we're really going out” and “Dave always screams at jump scares but it's hilarious.” Trying to convince you that they were good and cool, but you could guess what he was trying to say underneath it all.

They’re cool guys and I’m a cool guy. We're going to see a cool movie, so please don’t say no. 

After two Sunday afternoons and a handful of lunches spent together, it was still baffling to see how bashful he could become. How he still tripped up on his words and gave you every single opportunity to turn him down. To turn him away.

He told you some people were shitty to him for repeating senior year. And he worried about you finding out about some reputation he had. But even if you hadn't witnessed it yourself yet, it wasn't hard to put two and two together that, overall, people weren't very nice to him.

You knew you had been lucky; the only people to really bully you were related to you. But you still couldn't understand how people could be so cruel, especially to the absolute sweetheart in front of you who was currently rocking on his toes, and fidgeting with his rings, and avoiding your eyes as he just kept talking.

Eddie was funny, witty, cute, thoughtful, and probably hopped up on too much sugar all the time.

"...and I know it probably doesn't sound fun to go to the movies with a bunch of high school guys but--"

"No it sounds like a great time," you agreed.

"Really?" He had that deer-in-the-headlights look that you were secretly starting to enjoy. "It's not stupid?"

"No," you shook your head. "And I want to meet your friends. You kind of talk about them a lot. So it'd be nice to put faces to names."

"They might bully you for listening to Duran Duran," he warned.

Was he trying to get you to turn him down?

"Then don't tell them about that!"

"I might need to be bribed," he hummed cheekily, clearly unable to keep a smile off of his face.

"Gosh, you ask me to go to the movies with you, and now you're blackmailing me," you sighed. "Fine...I'll get you any sour candy you want. But you can't put it in the popcorn!"

He held out his hand to shake on it and you rolled your eyes as you slapped your hand into his.

He grinned and whooped in excitement, then ran out of the store. Before you could even blink, he was back and, in a move that made your heart beat a little harder in your chest, he leaned down and gave the back of your hand a very light kiss.

What?

"I'll leave you to your sparkly kingdom, your Highness," he announced with an over exaggerated, grandiose voice as he returned to his full height. "See you at 7." He then winked and ran back out.

WHAT?!

"My conversion Eddie!" You called after him once you got back to your senses.

The loud crack of his laughter echoing though the mall was just enough to make you forgive him.

---

“Ok so is this a date?” your ASM asked softly as she counted your register down before you left. "The last time it wasn't a date, but is it a date now? Movies? Sharing popcorn?"

"His friends are gonna be there. It's just...hanging out."

"Oooh, meeting some of his friends. Are you gonna sit next to him? Dark movie theater, perfect for smooching."

"Shut up. No it isn't perfect for smooching.”

"But you’re gonna sit next to him. You're avoiding eye contact, you’re nervous," she sing-songed and you groaned. "This is a date!"

Mindy was a former stay-at-home mom who got bored of being at home now that the kids were all in school. It should have been weird, managing someone almost a decade older than you, and you both voiced your concern during the interview that one would treat the other like some dumb kid. You because you were younger and didn't have as much life experience, and Mindy because she didn't have much retail experience and would be working with a bunch of teenagers. But you both agreed not to let that influence your treatment of one another.

There was mutual respect and trust.

There was also relentless teasing. On Mindy's part, at least.

"Ok, listen, I told you that he's great but he said this thing the first time we hung out."

"What thing? Why is this the first time I'm hearing about this thing?" she put her dollar-clenching hands on her hips and stared at you in a way that only a mother could.

You explained how he mentioned, specifically, that your first night out wasn't a date. How disappointed you were. How embarrassed you were that you would even entertain that idea and were now doing everything in your power not to think of him as cute and stomp all the hopes and dreams of your own mall romance into the dirt.

All of your insecurities about your non-existent love life laid out for her--and everyone else in the busy store--to hear.

And Mindy just snorted in your face.

"I don't think I'm that old, but you kids really need to stop overthinking things," she laughed and slammed the cash drawer shut. "Alright you're all set. Go have fun on your not-date."

"I really hate you," you deadpanned and turned to leave.

You were about halfway through the trek across the mall to the multiplex when you did exactly what Mindy told you to stop doing: overthink.

Eddie was worried you might not like his friends...what if his friends didn't like you?

They were younger, still in high school. (You were blatantly ignoring that you could say the same thing about Eddie.) And you had a younger brother who was still in high school. When you were still at home his friends thought you were stupid and old and gross, as kids do.

You drove your grandpa's old car--handed down when his doctor told him he couldn't drive anymore--you didn't listen to whatever new bands they were obsessing over, you didn't know all the cool young slang.

You'd think, working with a bunch of teenagers, that you would pick something up, but for as long as you had been given keys at your old store, you tried to keep a little bit of distance with the younger associates. It helped get them to see you in an authoritative light, to trust your leadership.

And it absolutely stunted your social ability.

And your brother and his friends could smell it like sharks smelling blood in the water.

It had never bothered you--they were little twerps anyway who you'd threatened to beat up when they got too annoying anyway--until now.

What is it that Eddie's friends would find cool?

You knew about the band, and obviously you both had been bickering over discussing music. He also told you about his Hellfire Club, which conveniently consisted of the same group. And while you couldn't really wrap your head around the mechanics of the game from the description--he had offered to lend you some of his books to help you understand--you did think some of the creatures and characters he described were intriguing.

And hell, you might not know a whole lot about fantasy, but you sure as hell knew about escapism. Maybe they all were looking for a way out of their realities too.

But that was probably too heavy a topic to talk about with a bunch of teen boys at the movies.

"There she is, late," Eddie's voice broke through your thoughts as you approached the mall entrance to the theater. You looked up to find the small group of boys leaning against the wall beside the box office.

You could do this.

Or pretend to, at least.

Besides, it was just Eddie. You could be cool for him.

"You said 7?" you argued. "I clocked out at 6:45!"

"Well we're gonna miss the previews," one of the boys grumbled good-naturedly, before breaking into a small smile. "Hey, I'm Gareth."

"The drum prodigy!" You exclaimed and his smile got a little bashful.

"Shut up," he muttered. "You haven't even heard us play yet!"

You quickly introduced yourself and Eddie clapped his hands on each of his friends' shoulders as he introduced them and gave you a little fact about each of them in a way only Eddie could.

"We have Gareth, obviously, the man of the hour with a real, legitimate drivers license," Eddie sniffled and wiped a fake tear from his eye. "Can't believe he's all grown up. But let the record show that I taught him how to parallel park."

"Dave, who, I have recently learned, can fully recite Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven from memory. Iambic pentameter and all that shit, right? Guess you only look dumb, huh, Davey."

"And Jeff, Jeffrey, Jefferson, my right hand man. Not just the peanut butter to my jelly, but both slices of bread too. Where in the world would I ever be without him? Actually, maybe I would have graduated by now."

They all smiled and greeted you; it was clear that they adored Eddie and enjoyed the attention of their fearless leader, even while swatting at him as he embarrassed them.

All except Jeff, who had given you a tight, cordial smile--a strained flash of braces--and then urged everyone to follow him in.

The three younger boys bickered about snacks while you all waited in line, Gareth and Dave turning to ask you your preferences every now and again.

Whenever they couldn't decide on something--jalapeños on the nachos or no, extra butter or extra salt on the popcorn, wait should we get the hot dog combo--Eddie would swoop in with a sharp "shut up" and play mediator, then turn back to you with the biggest, fondest grin and an eye roll.

It was cute.

He was cute.

It was heartwarming to see him with his friends. You hadn't been hanging out with him for very long at all, but it was nice that he liked you enough to share this, share his friends, with you.

Once you all had your treats, including the sour candy you had promised Eddie, you made your way into the theater, only for the boys to bicker, once again, about who was sitting where. They each had their preferences and argued over the pros and cons of each. Dave like the aisle but so did Jeff, and Gareth--a self-proclaimed movie theater expert--said the center of the theater had the best viewing and sound experience. Eddie just preferred the back.

"Because if the movie is shit, you can just throw popcorn at the people further up who are making out."

"Or just watch them and--hey!"

"Not in front of a lady, dingus!"

You just hung back and enjoyed the show while apologizing to the other moviegoers for blocking their way to picking their own seats.

"Well where do you want to sit?" Eddie abruptly turned to you.

"Uh, well." You didn't think you really had a choice in this; you were just invited last-minute. This was their outing. "I'm just a guest. Whatever you guys pick is fine with me."

"Do you even like going to the movies?" Jeff laughed, but there was a slightly annoyed undertone that you wondered momentarily if you were just imagining. "Or watching scary movies?"

"I mean, yeah, who doesn't like movies," you shrugged, figuring it wasn't really the time or place to be discussing your preferences in movies either. "And horror...well, my dad always said it was cursed or something, but it's fun, they're funny."

The lights started to dim in the theater and you swore you saw Jeff roll his eyes.

"Funny?"

What was his deal?

"Yeah, when something scares you and then you jump and it makes you laugh. Especially when it's lame and cheesy. And...it's like when you ride a rollercoaster, it makes your stomach go...funny."

They all muttered in understanding, but you still felt uncertain.

"That's an interesting way of looking at it, sweetheart. I guess we all just like to get scared shitless," Eddie grinned. He clapped his hand on Gareth's shoulder. "Alright, since we're here to celebrate Gareth the Great's accomplishments, he gets to choose."

---

About a half hour in, you needed to go to the bathroom and you shimmied past the boys, doing everything in your power not to get flustered when Eddie put his hand on your hip to steady you, with a soft "careful" so you wouldn't fall over onto the next row of people.

Not that he would be able to see in the dark theater anyway.

But you felt like...somehow, he would know.

You took a deep, calming breath of relief when you got out to the lobby of the theater and joined the line for the bathroom.

The movie was good, suspenseful.

Eddie didn't lie when he said Dave screamed at jumpscares. He also conveniently forgot to mention that he liked talking during movies. People nearby kept turning their heads to shush him when he got too loud, too excited, gushing over one thing or another to someone in the group.

"Guys did you see that?"

"That was really fucked up."

"Wait what happened? I couldn't hear what they said."

It was also just not helping any of your efforts to bury your attraction for Eddie when you shared an armrest and a bucket of popcorn. Your fingers would brush his when he offered to share his candy with you. Your breath would hitch during scary moments and he would knock his knuckles with yours and give you a shit-eating grin.

“Funny my ass.”

“Shut up, you’re the worst.”

You did everything in your power to ignore the electric tingles along your skin.

“Quiet I can’t hear.”

Then there was Jeff sitting on Eddie’s other side, who would make comments like that every now and again.

It’s not like you had enough time to get a good read on Jeff; Eddie had said he was working on his confidence on-stage, maybe he also needed it off-stage? Maybe he had a hard time meeting new people? Or...or maybe he was just a stand-off-ish kind of guy, broody?

Or maybe...

Or maybe he just didn’t like you.

You really hoped that wasn't the case, but it sure seemed like it.

You knew how it felt when there was one friend in the group that just didn't like you as much as they liked the others, how they went out of their way to make you feel just a little bit unwelcome. How everyone else would just shake it off, because you'd all been hanging out for years, and it was just good natured anyway.

But this wasn't that.

This wasn't your friend group; these were Eddie's friends, and you really hadn't given them a reason to dislike you. You wanted them to like you; you wanted them to...tell Eddie he wasn't wasting his time being your friend.

The other guys seemed nice enough.

Right?

And you really wanted to try, especially with Jeff, who Eddie spoke of fondest.

Of course, he spoke of all the boys fondly…but whatever happened that caused Corroded Coffin to break up—something Eddie seemed incredibly hesitant to talk about—Jeff had been there to build it back up again. And you could tell how proud Eddie was of his friend, how grateful he was to have him.

You didn't want Eddie's closest friend to have a problem with you, his newest.

You went about your business in the bathroom, staring at your reflection for an extra long second, practicing your smile so it wouldn't seem too customer-service-y or artificial--your well-practiced mask that had always gotten you ahead at work--in case that was why Jeff had a problem. Did he think you were fake?

You just wanted to know the truth.

And you didn't have to wait long to find out, because on your way out of the bathroom, you saw Jeff waiting by the entrance of the theater. His arms were folded across his chest and he tapped his foot impatiently.

"Everything...ok?" you asked hesitantly.

"Yeah," he replied, with that same strained smile he gave you earlier. "I just wanted to talk really quick."

"Oh...kay," you agreed. "Listen, if I did anything wrong, or to offend you, I'm sorry. I know I can be too much someti--"

"Why are you hanging out with Eddie?" he interjected, cutting right to the chase. You frowned and cocked your head to the side in question. "Why are you being nice to him?"

"Why shouldn't I?" you asked in return. "He's a nice guy. He asked me to come to the movies with you guys. I’m sorry if it was just supposed to be your time together—”

"Not just now," Jeff looked around nervously, as if he was afraid to make eye contact. "He came to practice the other week excited that you agreed to go out with him and that you were cool and he was nervous and he hasn't shut up about you ever since."

Your heart got stuck in your throat. Obviously he had to tell his friends about you if he invited you to go to the movies, but...he hadn't shut up about you?

"But he's been through a lot and he doesn't deserve whatever...whatever scheme you have planned by hanging out with him. S-so this is your chance to let him down now, before you really hurt him."

You were quickly brought back to reality.

Jeff was staring at you now, expectantly. All traces of nervousness gone.

"Why would I have a scheme? Why would I hurt him?" you questioned.

"Because you're not the first pretty, popular girl to hang around with him, only to make him feel like shit afterwards once they get what they want."

Oh.

Oh no.

"If you're trying to score some cheap weed or something--"

"I'm not."

"--Or like...get some sort of laugh at his expense with those girls you work with--"

"Jeff."

"Just know that it really hurt him last time," he concluded. "Like really broke him down, on top of everything else, and it took everything I had to get him back. He's my best friend; the closest thing I have to an older brother. And he's the best guy I know. I can't stand to see him get that way again because someone else was too selfish to consider his feelings."

Your head was spinning, trying to put all of the pieces together.

And it was only making you incredibly sad for your friend.

"So..." Jeff took a breath and straightened his shoulders, as if he would step in your path to block you from entering the theater if you didn't give him the answer he wanted. "Tell me the truth. What do you want with Eddie?"

What did you want?

What didn't you want?

"I want to be his friend," you began. "I don't have that many people here, Jeff. I left home for the first time ever, and I'm kind of alone and it's scary. I don't really hang out with the people I work with because I have boundaries. And Eddie has been one of the only people I've met outside of work, technically, and he's been one of the most welcoming people so far.

"I want to eat junk food with him, and listen to his corny jokes, and get to see his favorite places in Hawkins, even though he swears up and down that it's a shit hole. And hurting him is the very last thing I want to do. But pain is just a part of life, and as much as we want to, we can't just...stop him from getting hurt at every step of the way.

"It's really admirable that you came out here to try and protect him, Jeff. I'm glad he has a friend like you. And hopefully now, since we'll have an understanding, we can be friends too," you finished with a smile.

Jeff hesitated then relaxed, the need to be Eddie's protector pretty much vanished. He wrung his hands together for a moment before sighing.

"Yeah," he agreed slowly. "I think we can be friends… Even though you're old." He grinned mischievously.

Low blow.

"Ouch! Thanks, I'm not that much older than you guys.”

"I mean, you're old enough to buy alcohol, right?" he asked expectantly.

"I'm not buying beers for you guys," you deadpanned.

"That makes you old."

"...still not buying you beer."

"Well, shit, you're not only old, you're lame too," Jeff laughed. "So...let's go back in? Before Eddie sends a search party."

"Hey, does he tell you guys not to fall into the toilet when you go to the bathroom too?"

---

Once you got back to your seats, Eddie hemmed and hawed about how the two of you missed the "best part," which he theatrically reenacted for you with Gareth and Dave after the show was over and you headed back into the mall.

He also couldn't shut up about it as he walked you back to your car in the employee lot. The other guys left, Gareth proudly showing off his new license by driving the other guys home in his mom's station wagon.

"The blood, the flesh," Eddie gushed, creepily running his fingers over your neck and shoulders, giving you the chills as you swatted at him. "It was so gross!!!"

"I'm sorry I missed it. Guess we're just gonna have to go see it again."

"We should do a group zombie costume for Halloween; it would be so cool. We could go trick or treating; the people around here don't really care how old you are. Scare all of the kids with some blood and guts. What do you think?"

"Sounds fun, I think you guys would look great!" You agreed.

"No, I meant you too," he insisted and then immediately backtracked. "Shit...unless you don't want to. Or you had another costume planned. I mean Halloween is months away but..." He continues rambling and you shake your head and stop him.

"Hey, I just figured it was something you'd want to do with the guys," you explained. "Not...me. Who am I? Not part of the band, not in Hellfire Club."

"Why wouldn't I want you there," he smiled, a little bashfully. Not the full, world-moving smile that changed the topography of his face, but a quiet one, one that made him look deceptively innocent. One that you hoped deep down, a little, was just for you. "With me--with us?!"

You couldn't get your hopes up.

You really couldn't.

“I-I mean, the guys all really liked you,” he continued. “I’m sure they’d want you there too.”

"I really liked them all too," you began. "They were cool...so if the guys are ok with it...and we don't do some stupid costume contest at work--they do things like that you know? Corporate sends out a stupid contest for a pizza party and...

"A-anyway, yeah I'd like to be part of your zombie group costume."

"Really?" he asked, similarly to earlier when he asked you to the movies.

"I mean...I might need to be bribed."

Eddie fell to his knees theatrically as you reached your car and you giggled, earning weird stares as people walked by on their way to their cars.

"Oh Queen of Glitter Kingdom," he began, one hand grabbing yours and the other over his heart. "I, your faithful servant, do promise to provide you with whatever sour candy you desire, as much as you please, from the collective treat buckets of the Hellfire Club if you deign to grace us with your presence during Trick or Treating this All Hallows Eve.

"Too much?" he asked after a short pause.

"Maybe," you tilted your head back and forth in consideration. Maybe too much, but that was part of what made him...him. "But I accept your most tempting offer."

He kissed your hand again before jumping to his feet with an excited yelp.

And once again, that thought returned:

How could anyone purposefully hurt a sweet nerd like Eddie?

"See you Sunday sweetheart?" he asked, wet eyes glistening happily.

"Yeah," you agreed. "See you Sunday."

---

Next Part: Standard Operating Procedures 1.03

Sales Associates (AKA the tag list): @gaysludge @storiesbyrhi @tayhar811 @spookybabey @word-wytch @maidenofartemis @dreamlandcreations @wickedbelle @blue-eyed-lion @aysheashea @blue-mossbird @abibliophobiaa

If you weren't given hours this week (if I forgot to tag you), I'm really sorry, we're just tight on payroll. I'll make sure you get a shift next time. ;)

(GUYS JUST LET ME HAVE THIS BIT!)

Let me know if you'd like to be tagged in future installations of the Store Manager Verse.

[vpyre]

New pinned post! Finally!!

Haven’t made one of these in a while, but I’m a good deal more active nowadays so I think it’s a good idea to introduce my blog and stuff. I typically just reblog things, but I do write the occasional fanfic and draw the extremely rare fanart.

I made a little get-to-know-me strawpage thing :3

My Linktree with my etsy, twitter, instagram, tumblr, and ao3 :D

Posts by me are tagged #vpyre’s verbosity, my writing is tagged #my writing, and my art is tagged #my art (most of it is old and kinda shit, but eh whatever). I try to tag different fandoms, so feel free to block tags you aren’t interested in :)

I made a Discord server for people who love Copia! It also has channels for anyone who likes the other papas and the ghouls :3

I have a new sideblog if any mutuals/followers wanna join me over there! It’s @vpyre-hornyposting and it’s where I’m gonna be posting my NSFW thoughts about whatever characters I’m into and receiving asks from anyone who wants to share in the horny.

My AO3 page is here. For ease of access, I’ll also individually link all my fics (both the ao3 and tumblr versions) and headcanons in a masterlist here:

Headcanons:

Black Butler HCs

Grelle Sutcliff/switch!fem!Reader smut hcs (June 2024) || Tumblr

Fanfiction:

Ghost Fics

A Quick Taste (August 2024) - gn!Reader/Copia smut fic || Tumblr • AO3

Can You Feel Me Longing for You (forever) (July 2024) - gn!Reader/Copia smut fic || Tumblr • AO3

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait (Oct. 2022) - Dewdrop Ghoul/transmasc!submissive!Reader smut oneshot (request) || Tumblr • AO3

Hannibal Fics

The Taste of Iron (May 2024) - Hannigram smut ficlet || Tumblr • AO3

The Truman Show Fics

all i want is to take care of you (July 2022)- gn!Reader/Truman Burbank smut oneshot || AO3

Five Nights at Freddy’s (and related franchises) Fics

Closer (Feb. 2022) - trans!gn!Reader/transman!Michael Afton smut oneshot || AO3

When In Doubt, Ask Him Out! (Nov. 2021) - transman!Michael Afton/Charlie Emily oneshot (request) || Tumblr • AO3

What Makes a Monster (Nov. 2021) - Felix Kranken & William Afton horror (kinda) oneshot (request) || Tumblr • AO3

If Holding You Will Heal You, I Never Wanna Let You Go (Nov. 2021) - extremely angsty hurt/comfort (cut me some slack here, I was a teenager lmao) nonbinary!Reader/Michael Afton oneshot || Tumblr • AO3

Dress-Up Makes Everything Better! (Nov. 2021) - transman!Michael & Elizabeth Afton cutesy sibling fluff oneshot (request) || Tumblr • AO3

The One You Should Not Have Killed (Nov. 2021) - Cassidy & William Afton horror/angst oneshot (request) || Tumblr • AO3

‘cause everything else is a substitute for your love (Nov. 2021) - gn!Reader/transman!Michael Afton smut fic (two chapters) || Tumblr • AO3

The Wrong Smile (Oct. 2021) - very dark and angsty fic/thinkpiece hybrid thingamajig about the missing children || Tumblr • AO3

Black Butler Fics

No Matter How Tremulous the Flame, the Ice Will Always Melt (May 2021) - Grelle Sutcliff & William T. Spears hurt/comfort oneshot (request) || Tumblr • AO3

Stick Around (Apr. 2021) - Othello & Grelle Sutcliff fluffy-ish oneshot (request) || Tumblr • AO3

The Geek Division (Apr. 2021) - Othello & Grelle Sutcliff slightly angsty/fluffy lighthearted oneshot || Tumblr • AO3

From Above and Below, Face to Face and Behind (March 2021) - Reader/Grelle Sutcliff smut oneshot (my first finished fic ever!) || Tumblr • AO3

I think that about does it! I might add more to this if I think of something later, maybe some old WIPs if anyone is interested in that (I think it’s just some Reader/Astarion stuff I never finished).

Oh also!!! Fic requests ARE open! Go absolutely ham on my inbox pls I beg!

[tomorrowxtogether]

Tomorrow X Together concludes tour with fun, fiery PH concert

MANILA — The production for Tomorrow X Together’s (TXT) recent concert at the Philippine Arena was nothing short of grand. Pyrotechnics, bursts of confetti and eye-catching backdrops complemented the song-and-dance numbers for a potent feast for the senses.

But more than these embellishments, it was the lighthearted interactions shared by the K-pop stars and their fans that made the concert a truly unforgettable experience.

Donning princely costumes, Soobin, Yeonjun, Beomgyu, Taehyun and Huening Kai kicked off the evening — the final show for their second world tour “Act: Sweet Mirage” — with a “dance break version” of the euphoric disco single “Blue Hour.” The boys spared no time in getting close to the fans, moving towards the B-stage halfway through the song.

“We’re so happy we can spend time with MOA in Bulacan this year following last year’s concert in Manila. Na-miss namin kayo (We missed you),” Beomgyu said, drawing loud cheers from fans called MOA.

He was referring to TXT’s two-night concert at the Mall of Asia Arena last October 2022, which also marked the final stop of the group’s first tour “Act: Lovesick.”

The 26-piece setlist for “Act: Sweet Mirage” incorporated songs that the boys performed in “Act: Lovesick,” but also drew from TXT’s extensive catalog to include newer performances. It also covered all of the tracks from the extended play “The Name Chapter: Temptation,” the group’s only Korean release in between the two world tours.

After removing their tops onstage to reveal more casual and colorful shirts, the boys continued to dish out fun and catchy tracks, such as “No Rules,” “Cat & Dog” and “9 And Three Quarters (Run Away).”

The group also brought angsty punk and pop-rock offerings “0X1=LOVESONG (I Know I Love You),” “LO$ER=LO♡ER,” and “Dear Sputnik,” and boasted its members’ dreamy vocals in “Anti-Romantic.”

In the genre-shifting “Eternally” — which remained a concert highlight in “Act: Sweet Mirage” despite having been performed in the previous tour — white and blue lights surrounded the boys as they delivered the soothing verses. But the moment the song swerves into its throbbing electro sections, the scene turned just as menacing, amplified by red lights and flames bursting from the stage’s front.

Filipino fans were also treated to a performance of “Do It Like That,” the group’s collaboration single with the Jonas Brothers released just last month.

During the encore, the quintet sang “Blue Spring,” an unreleased song dedicated to MOAs, and capped the show with a surprise performance of fan song “MOA Diary.”

Fan interactions

The Philippine leg of “Act: Sweet Mirage” — which ran for more than three hours and was produced by Live Nation Philippines — was also a testament of TXT’s growth as entertainers. Compared to the previous concert, the members seemed more confident onstage, not only in their performances but also through their interactions with the crowd.

Concerts have always been a way for K-pop stars to strengthen their bonds with their dedicated fan bases and TXT’s show was no different, featuring engaging talk segments that displayed the boys’ cute and goofy sides.

After “Cat & Dog,” which had the crowd barking, the members gave their own canine impressions. They later whipped out their lightsticks and each took turns in leading the audience to doing playful movements.

Before performing “Happy Fools,” the group also taught the song’s choreography and asked audience members to do the dance challenge, which were flashed on the venue’s big screens.

The Bulacan show also took place a day (or just mere hours) before Huening Kai marked his 21st birthday. As a surprise, the crowd chanted his name during “Dear Sputnik” and joined his bandmates in singing to him near the end of the concert.

“Actually, it’s on my wishlist, to have my birthday and concert happen on the same day,” Huening Kai said.

‘Beautiful’ last concert

As the night drew to a close, the boys thanked fans for making the final stop of their tour a memorable one. “Thank you so much for decorating our last concert this beautifully and to the point that we were able to finish this concert very well,” Yeonjun said.

“Last year, we were able to receive a lot of comfort and love from you guys. I’m so thankful that even today as well, you were able to give us a lot of comfort and love,” Beomgyu said.

Taehyun said the local crowd was “the best [in] singing, dancing, cheering and screaming for us,” adding that he was already looking forward to the group’s next performance in the country.

“‘Act: Sweet Mirage’ in Bulacan ends here but we will come back [for] MOA again to show you how much we have grown with the love that we received so please wait for us,” Soobin said.

[practically-an-x-man]

Talk shop Tuesday about how you came up with/the development of the latest chapter of Heartstrings?

Ooooh thank you!!

Talk Shop Tuesday

Honestly, the idea kinda came to me in stages. On the barest narrative level, I felt like this chapter needed to accomplish a few things:

There needed to be some conflict in Jasper and Kyle's relationship, both for realism (no relationship is perfect all the time) and to show the audience how they are when things aren't as smooth. They're going to hit some rough times up ahead, so we need to see that they're willing to stick together through the rough times before we get to the worst of the worst.

We needed to see how Jasper behaves in grief - same reason. I needed to establish their reactions to it here, so it'll be consistent later on. They're terrible about grief even when they have someone to lean on, so imagine how angsty it'll be when the person they lean on is the one they've lost.

I needed to give more depth to Jasper's relationship with their parents. Up until this point, the biggest development on that front was my sidepiece Mama, but not everyone who reads Heartstrings will have read that (though... that implies that I have other readers than you, and I honestly don't know how many have stuck around lol), so I needed to give it more depth in the main fic.

So those were my goals from the beginning. I needed to phase us out of the flirty scene-by-scene thing of the first act, and start establishing some deeper emotions and more extended plot threads. Not at the witches just yet, but... moving us closer to that so the tone-shift isn't as jarring.

Second thing: the first part of this chapter, with Kyle getting upset about Jasper sensing his emotions all the time while he has to just guess in return, was originally a separate idea. I came up with that first, and it was eventually going to be resolved by MK staging an intervention and bringing Kyle to the dorm to talk when Jasper got home from a nursing shift. I had that idea earmarked for the next chapter... and then I came up with the idea of Jasper's dad dying.

At first, I figured they'd be two separate ideas: I'd write the fight as one chapter, the grief as the next one, and then we'd keep moving. But then... idk, it was a combination of time and motivation that made me combine them.

On a simpler level, I wanted to start getting into the witch plot and everything sooner rather than later, and making those ideas two separate chapters doubles the time before I get into that. And on a deeper level, combining them led to so much more depth in each of the characters: Kyle being there for Jasper even though they were fighting, Jasper struggling with grief more than anything else and needing to rely on him, and their relationship repairing itself naturally without the intervention I'd originally planned. It just felt so much more organic than splitting the chapters up.

My favorite part to write from this chapter was when Jasper is still in that early-stage grief, and can only view the car trip in this short, time-separated intervals. They start out simple as the wounds are freshest, then gradually get more complex and descriptive as time goes on and they process what happened. Plus, stylistically, I think it's just a neat way to show what they're going through. And the contrast of Jasper (the nurse, normally good at staying calm in difficult situations) being utterly devastated while Kyle (normally lighthearted and goofy, with these really big emotions) is the one to be calm and help spur them on felt like a really good, human characterization for both of them during that emotional scene.

[fort-cozy-mcblanket]

Guten tag! I’m new to the fandom, and let me tell you your blog is amazing!

I’m looking for Shamy fics to read, and I saw your list. Is the Chaos Cognition really that good? I heard a lot about it, but don’t know if it’s worth it.

Thanks in advance!

Saluton! Welcome to the fandom! So glad you're enjoying my blog! 😊

Oh boy, The Chaos Cognizance . . .

Whether or not it's worth it really depends on you and what you're looking for in your fanfiction.

The Chaos Cognizance is long. It's overwhelming. It gets very angsty in some chapters and I don't even mean the early ones where Amy's in the hospital. It took me two tries to actually read through the whole thing because I just do not handle angst well. (I don't know if you're like me, but I will typically nope out of a fic if there is even a hint that my OTP is going to break up, even if there's a happy ending guaranteed later.) I almost called into work one day because I was up crying over this fic at 3AM the night before.

But I also consider it one of the best fics I've ever read. Back when I read it in 2021 I considered it the best thing I read that year period, including professionally published books (and I'm a big reader). I'm glad I did finally manage to power through and finish it, but I don't know if I would put myself through it again.

If you like your fanfiction to be novel-length and enjoy angst and drama, then absolutely read this one. If you prefer shorter, more lighthearted fics, then it might not be for you. The nice thing about this fandom is that there really isn't any shortage of fics and you can afford to be a little picky.

I hope this helps!

[rhythm-tengoku-gold]

Ok so like I was going to send this in a discord server but I typed off way more than I intended & don’t want to clog up that poor channel. Hell, I gave up on writing this because I’m getting tired & I was, like, almost halfway through. Might come back & finish it later. I don’t know. Will have to finish the chapter section & then add a terms glossary. Maybe more sections. I don’t know.

Ok, so, there’s a fuckton that I could say about all this, but I’ll just give the basic rundown here. *cracks my knuckles*

◇──◆──◇──◆

When I mentioned a bit ago that I’ve been so intensely hyperfocused on a singular story for years I was referring to Scrap Collector. It is what I’d consider my heart & soul. It’s almost completely fleshed out with the exception of a few things, but in the near future I will be able to finally bring the story into this world. However, I’d like to feel more confident in both my writing & drawing skills before I do so- I intend for it to be a novel accompanied by illustrations, but I digress.  ◇──◆──◇──◆

Scrap Collector is a story about Domains- a system of pocket dimensions in what would be considered the margins between universes. We focus on a specific cluster of Domains. A cluster is the term for close-together Domains. Anyways, now that I’m thinking about it, I think it would be easier to insert the stories summary that I wrote a while back & always whip out when giving an introduction to the series:

◇──◆──◇──◆

“Within the margins in between universes lies domains, small pockets nestled in the wispy channels that fill these gaps.

Kalcul first awakens in a dark, rusty world where spires of junk reach into an inky void & where cold metal envelops most everything. She is a collector, the right hand of the only other being in the desolate domain, saxon & is able to utilize the channel to travel through domains. As she explores the small cluster of neighboring domains on missions & bonds with the few other souls that remain, history comes to light as it paints a tragedy of the ages. One that all may lead back to a single source.”

◇──◆──◇──◆

Also, I way I’ve described it in the past is “A story that is deeply tragic yet endlessly hopeful.”

◇──◆──◇──◆

The story is split into three chapters, each one containing 3 arcs. Named, because it’s cool & fun to me. :)

Chapter 1

- Take Me Back

- My Heart Beats Electric

- Past the Glory Days

Chapter 2

- High Tide, Low Tide

- In Dangerous Waters

- A Tango Takes Two

Chapter 3

- Bleeding Heart

- Castle Crumbling, Crashing Down

- Sweet Rest

◇──◆──◇──◆

I think I should offer a brief rundown of the characters while I’m at it!

◇──◆──◇──◆

-Kalcul is the protagonist of our story. She’s stubborn, dangerously curious, snippy, attentive, irritable, & keen. I may be am kinda giving the impression that she’s mean here, but I can assure you that she is not. She is pretty kind, but does have anger issues, that’s all. Here’s some things I’ve said about her in the past:

◇──◆──◇──◆

”Don't get me wrong, Kalcul is certainly, angry, angsty, & aggressive a lot of times, but honestly? She's kind of a dork.

-She has, on several occasions, ate jerky that was of very dubious quality. Didn't get sick though, thank god that Collectors are sturdy.

-She's the type of girl to make little pouty faces in lighthearted situations when she doesn't get her way.

-Ridiculously passionate about her hobby of cartography & could ramble about it for a good while.

-Asks Seymour to give her piggyback rides often because they're besties, he's almost twice her height, & it's fun.

-Has a sort of playful sibling rivalry with Aster.

Just to give some examples”

◇──◆──◇──◆

“Related to the first example provided in this, Kalcul's favorite food is jerky. That said, no character within Scrap Collector needs to eat, & rather it's something they could do if they find it enjoyable. With how her teeth are made to exclusively rip & tear, she's a fan of foods you have to chew/gnaw on for a bit.”

◇──◆──◇──◆

”Despite being bipedal, Kalcul runs on all fours most of the time. Still walks on two legs though”

◇──◆──◇──◆

“Kalcul's design has some features that I never draw for no real reason other than I don't feel like it. Albeit these aren't something that hate always part of her design, & just appear occasionally throughout the story. One is a brown leather bomber iacket embroidered with a small emblem, & the other is is a metal pair of googles. While the former isn't all that significant other than Kalcul being sometimes seen with it in chapter 3, the latter does have meaning as since Kalcul's eyes are only made for dimmer/darker places it hurts to be in bright ones. Since it was painful for his best friend to be in his home, Seymour made the goggles for her.”

◇──◆──◇──◆

”Kalcul has an exceptionally strong jaw, with durable, sharp teeth designed to snag, rip, & tear. It's her primary form of both offense & defense, & her pry bar is more of a support weapon.”

◇──◆──◇──◆

”Kalcul is a survivor no matter what. She's seen what Eridanus left behind after he breached & the ensuing fallout from Saxon; she's seen what's basically her family suffer, heard the kin she never met (past deceased Collectors) suffer, & has suffered herself.

With every inch of Kalcul's being she wishes to see the cycle of life & death break & watch as the cluster of Domains heal.

"I'm not d-dying yet. No matter how hard you try, I will live. I will survive." -Kalcul in Unravel

The only times when this isn't embedded into her is when she is new to the world in earlier parts & after she kills even in A Tango Takes Two leading into Self-Destructive Sorrow. In it Kalcul accidentally kills Aeven in self defense upon their betrayal. Poisoned with guilt, she believes that she has became the very thing she swore to destroy. After all, isn't life extremely limited after the breach? What is it worth anymore? Maybe, just maybe, as retribution for her actions, if Kalcul risks everything there is to break the cycle she can make up for contributing to it? The one to break Kalcul out of this mentality, so desperate to get his best friend to snap out of it he has to resort to force.

This is one of few times the usually quite passive engineer goes on the offensive in the entire story.

"Kallie! I'm not okay with you- you trying to... become some sort of martyr! This isn't you! Please, you're not some damned self-sacrificial MANIAC! PLEASE!" - Seymour in said scene.”

◇──◆──◇──◆

-Seymour is Kalcul’s best friend & a talented engineer/technician. I think I sum him up pretty well in what I’ve said in the past:

◇──◆──◇──◆

”Seymour is known for being a very skilled engineer & technician, & later on greatly assists in making The Scrapyard more accessible. In general, he loves using his skills to assist the others in various ways but also spends a large amount of time on personal/passion projects.”

◇──◆──◇──◆

“Y'know, I've never talked about Seymour's negative aspects, so I'm going to do that now. The man is often stretched thin by constantly pushing himself too hard. There are points when he's very pushy, especially towards Kalcul, albeit it's never done out of malice. Seymour also tends to be thin-skinned in several situations. He cares all to much for others, to both his & others detriment.

This man is stressed as hell”

◇──◆──◇──◆

”The poem is from the point of view of Seymour, a crucial deuteragonist in the story. The other character referenced within the second stanza is Kalcul, the protagonist. The first stanza is, obviously, in reference to Seymour in the second part. My Heart Beats Electric is the part in which Seymour is introduced. Before the story all he really did was design, create, & work with machinery and electronics. Sure, he certainly enjoyed it, but it was almost all he had. In a sense, it’s what kept his heart beating.

The second stanza is about the latter two parts mentioned. It’s about how both Seymour and Kalcul are bleeding hearts in different ways. Seymour, the one gone through first, is a bleeding heart in the way that he cares so much for a certain person- that being Kalcul- that he snaps out with no regard in Bleeding Heart. When Aster emotionally hurt Kalcul pretty damn bad, Seymour became actively very hostile towards him, albeit fortunately only verbally. While Aster did mean well that doesn't stop Seymour from lashing out at what is essentially Kalcul’s brother. This holds both of them back from having a good relationship with one another for the entirety of the part, something that would have been very good/useful to have.”

◇──◆──◇──◆

Yeah, so that’s where I gave up not even halfway through. I’m too tired, sorry. Also, here’s a list sorting characters by how much development they need because I simply find it interesting.

[noirineverysense]

Ok about the fanfic I was writing? Yeah I gave up on it like I expected. I wanted to show you what I had but I don’t think I’m going to bc it’s REALLY bad, I mean, I wrote it for fun, but the logistics make no sense and the characterization is WAY off for everyone and every scene is so awkward it makes me uncomfortable to read, usually I like my own writing! I look back at old ideas and wish I had written more, but whatever happened in this fic it’s literally worse than my sixth grade creative writing project and that’s not a hyperbole 🥲.

There’s like, one chapter I like and that’s the super angsty one that’s possibly angstier than the original story despite being a lighthearted AU. Like it was a ballerina au where all the angst was gonna be reduced and they were gonna get up on stage and perform as the climax, but then I didn’t outline and there was gun violence and human trafficking and woah that’s not what I meant to do-

yeah I wrote it for fun but I’m cringing a lil too hard to even pm it to u. I might try again much later from now but I’m gonna have to start from scratch bc this is NOT it. I’m glad I made it but yeah- my peabrain got confused as soon as I was no longer writing original fiction

is this ok to put in ur ask box? It’s not a question so it’s not really what the ask box is for is there a better way I should do this? Sry I’m still pretty new to tumblr

Yeah its fine here and dw about it! If you had fun thats all that matters. It means a lot that you put so much energy into my characters so thanks for that. Im pretty curious as to what you wrote but you have absolutely no obligation to share! Im a big fan of angst and drama and sometimes stories take turns that you werent expecting and thats for sure what happened with the ACP so sounds like what you wrote was pretty in line with the story lol. In any case im glad you had fun and im sure its great and thanks for the update!

[cottoncandy-cult]

OC #001

Name: Sayuri Sano

Nickname: Sayu

Age: 7

Height: 3'5"

Weight: 45lbs

Gender: Female

Identifiable Marks/Scars: she has one long scar that moves along the upper portion of her cheek bones and across the bridge of her nose, she has some light scarring along her legs and knees from tripping and falling

Birthday: 12/03

Favorite Colors: pink, grey, mint green, lavender purple

Favorite Foods: anything sweet or salty

Likes: flowers, animals and reading

Dislikes: sour food, loud yelling, sharp objects

Hobbies: drawing and baking

Fears: the dark, storms, being yelled at

Family:

Mother: Karen Kurokawa

Father: Kenzo Hasegawa (Deceased)

Older brothers:

Shinchiro Sano (Adoptive)

Manjiro Sano (Adoptive)

Izana Kurokawa (Half)

Older Sister: Emma Sano (Half)

Grandparents: Mansaku Sano (Adoptive)

So to help me get my flow back I plan to use Sayuri for a bit, it will all be sfw so no need to worry. I have Shinchiro and Manjiro listed as adopted brothers cause I'm not sure what they'd actually be to her. She is basically Izana and Emma's half sister (they share a mother) So I'm not sure what the actual term is and I don't know how to google it in a way that the question makes sense? Also in this time line Mikey would be around 16 when she first enters the picture, in this timeline all of the gangs would have already been joined (Mostly because my heart still hurts from all the stuff they put us through before we got our happy ending, plus I don't plan to do too much angst with her so I thought it would be fun to see her interactions with the various characters) Also in this timeline both Mikey's parents would have still passed, all the Sano's (and by extension Izana as in this timeline he would have managed to track Emma down and Mansaku would have opened his home to him since he is Emma's brother) live in the same home so be prepared for the family chaos. I do plan to write a few chapters as far as like introducing her, from there my post involving her will be split in style as I do plan to do scenarios involving her interacting with characters as well as a few written like normal chapters. So yeah, this is where I'll start my little adventure! Also I made her intentionally small for her age, Karen wasn't exactly the best mom so I don't see her really taking care of the girl and her father is basically an Oc of sorts though for all intents and purposes he is deceased when all this starts and I do plan to explain later. I know my desire to have this in a more...lighthearted timeline might be a bit annoying since it isn't really cannonverse but for the sake of my emotional health I want to keep most of this happy. She's a hurt little girl recovering from her own past traumas clinging to the family that loves her. Her past may be painful but I want her future to be happy. (I may still do a few slightly angsty scenarios ie. her being bullied, dealing with a nightmare/trauma response, someone making her cry,etc. These are part of every day life and I plan to end them on a fluff note.)

[accidentalnewsiesblog]

“The King of Brooklyn” and other monikers (Chapter 3)

yee yee it’s chapter three also read on ao3

1892

~3900 words

TW: deadnaming; references to abuse; smoking; canon-typical violence; panic attack

The Prince of Brooklyn

~~~

Yet another successful day at the racetrack came to a close for Spot and Tony. Not only were the illustrations of the Sunday paper an attractive draw to customers, but the whole city was talking about a murder that had happened in Massachusetts. All a newsie had to do was say the name “Borden” and the pape was all but sold.

It wasn’t even suppertime by the time Spot and Tony began the walk back toward the lodging house so Tony could catch the last carriage back to Manhattan. Coins jingled in their pockets as they walked, the promise of a splurge on candy or cigarettes.

“Who d’ya think did it?” Tony asked suddenly.

“Did what?”

Tony laughed, incredulous. “‘Did what?’ Whattaya think? The Borden murders! Who do you think did it?”

“Oh!” Spot had all but forgotten the headline. Her mind had already moved on to thoughts of how to spend the extra money she’d earned. “I dunno. Who do you think did it?”

Tony shook his head. “My money’s on the uncle.”

“The uncle? Don’t the cops think the daughter did it?”

“Ain’t no dame coulda done that! You read the description of the bodies in the pape?”

Spot had not read about the murders, as much as she had wanted to know all the gory details. She had only heard comments in passing about the Bordens having been hacked to death in their own home. “Did you read the pape? There’s stuff that don’t line up ‘bout the daughter’s story!”

“You think a lady coulda taken an axe to her parents in broad daylight? You think you could chop up your family like that?”

Spot knew she could never. Not even Mum. Even so, she responded, “Maybe on a bad day. Couldn’t you?”

Tony nodded but didn’t elaborate. “Well, you ain’t a normal lady. You dame newsies is basically boys, anyway.”

Spot laughed. “Don’t say that around some of the other girls. You’d have to high-tail it back to Manhattan explainin’ how you got a black eye from a lady.”

He chuckled, pulling a cigar from his pocket. He patted around his pants and bag, his brow furrowing. “Did I give you my matches?”

Spot searched her pockets and bag, but found nothing. She shook her head.

“Damn!” Tony turned and looked back toward the racetrack. “I must have dropped them. Damn!” he swore again. “Can we stop somewhere and I can get more?”

She shrugged. “Sure.”

“You see a drugstore anywhere?”

Spot looked around. They were far enough from the racetrack to be in a more residential area of Brooklyn, an area Spot suddenly recognized.

“Ah…” She pointed off down a familiar road toward where she believed was a pharmacy. “There?” And then Tony was brazenly striding through Midwood before Spot could react. “Wait, wait!” She jogged to keep up with him, suddenly paranoid that the brownstones lining the road had eyes.

Spot had been right about the pharmacy. The white storefront with green letters reading “O’Mara’s” and tall windows revealing jars of candy had normally been a welcome sight, but Spot was too anxious wandering around Midwood to find pleasure in it.

As Tony searched up and down shelves for matches, Spot hardly blinked, looking over her shoulder every other moment. She was hyperaware of every noise and movement she saw out of the corner of her eye.

“Ha!” Spot jumped out of her skin. Tony was squatting in front of a shelf, grabbing a box of matches and standing. He looked at her, but his smile quickly turned to concern. “Are you all right? You look like a rabbit in a snare.”

Spot shuddered, not realizing she had been holding her breath. “I… I’m fine. Let’s go.”

“Fine, let’s go.” Tony pocketed the matches and started toward the door.

Spot put her hand out to stop him. “You can’t take that.”

“What?”

Spot pointed over her shoulder at the distracted man working the counter. “You can’t steal that. You gotta pay. He’s got a family to feed.”

“How would you know if he’s got a family? Why do you care?”

Spot didn’t want to talk about it and gave in. She felt like she was going to throw up. “Fine. Fine!” She started toward the door, her head ducked so as not to make eye contact with anyone, especially not Mr. O’Mara.

This time it was Tony’s turn to jog to keep up. The bell on the door jingled twice as the kids left one after the other. Spot could have sworn she saw Mr. O’Mara look up at them, halfway waving at her.

Spot didn’t stop walking until she was blocks away. She breathed deeply, trying to calm her frantic heartbeat and churning stomach.

“What the hell?” Tony panted as he slowed to a stop, hands on his hips and coughing. “Ya gotta warn a guy before ya make him run two damn miles!”

“It weren’t two miles!” Spot snapped. Tony’s glare softened, and Spot looked away. “I’m sorry.”

“What’s goin’ on? You been on edge all day.”

Spot shook her head. “It ain’t important.”

“It is! You ain’t actin’ normal! Tell me what’s goin’ on!”

“Shut up!” Spot could feel tears welling up in her eyes. Tony was being too loud and was calling attention to them, attention Spot was actively trying to avoid. “Shut up!” she hissed, much quieter than before.

Tony didn’t listen. “Spot! What’s wrong?”

Over Tony’s shoulder Spot saw a group of tall boys coming around the corner. They wore caps like Spot’s and carried canvas bags. Overcome with dread, Spot turned her back, but not before she made eye contact with the shortest and stockiest of the motley crew, a mean and hotheaded newsie called Tomcat.

Tony grabbed her arm as she turned. “Spottie!”

“Dottie!” came Tomcat’s voice, and Spot cringed. “Been a while, wouldn’t ya say?”

She steeled her nerves then turned to face them. Spot hadn’t seen Tomcat’s gang since she worked for the Journal, almost three years ago. He was probably around twelve now, but his gang was usually comprised of dumb and brawny kids older than he was. While his gang had grown in number and height, Tomcat himself had only grown in width and arrogance. Spot knew he could knock her out with one punch. He’d done it before.

She addressed him. “Tomcat.”

Tony turned to watch as Tomcat led his brick wall of backup toward the younger, smaller, and definitely scareder newsies.

“Look at this, boys! It seems little Dottie found herself a new gig!” Tomcat and his boys had run Spot out of the Journal, and so bumping into her after so long must have been quite the laugh for them. “So, what are you sellin’ on street corners nowadays, Dot?”

“None of your business,” she quipped back, immediately regretting showing her hand and letting him get to her.

“Oh! She wants to play this game!” Tomcat turned to his chuckling gang.

“I don’t want to play any game. We was just leavin’.” Spot grabbed Tony by the wrist and pulled him away, but Tomcat was relentless.

“Come on, Dottie! You haven’t even introduced us to your boyfriend!” He grabbed Tony’s shoulder. “Where are your manners?”

Tony shook Tomcat’s hand from his shoulder and lightly pushed him away. Spot’s grip tightened on his wrist. He had no idea who he was dealing with, and Spot didn’t want him to have to find out.

Tomcat was a bully and his favorite was when kids would cry. Spot refused to ever give him the satisfaction, but she was already so close to tears she knew she would either cry or punch Tomcat in the face. She didn’t know which option would be worse in the long run.

“We’re going.” Spot tugged again on Tony’s wrist. “Didn’t mean to bother you.”

“Spot,” Tony whispered, barely audible, but Tomcat caught it.

“They don’t call you Dot anymore? Shame!” He threw an arm around her shoulders, and Spot lost her grip on her friend. “Spot sounds like a dog’s name. I guess that’s fitting for a bitch like you.”

Spot saw red. She shoved Tomcat with all her strength as Tony at the same moment punched him in the nose. Tomcat stumbled backward and fell flat on his ass, his face scrunched up from the shocking pain and embarrassment.

Tony and Spot had the same brilliant idea at the same time: Run. Spot grabbed his hand and bolted, already two blocks away before she heard Tomcat screaming at his gang to follow them and kick their asses.

Spot led them through Midwood, navigating familiar alleyways and fire escapes until they arrived in Prospect Park. They skidded to a stop next to a tall oak that Spot swiftly scaled, Tony at her heels. She stopped around halfway up and caught her breath as Tony settled on a nearby branch. The adrenaline in Spot’s veins was no longer from fear, but exhilaration. She had fought with Tomcat and escaped without a scratch, and Tony had stuck with her.

They locked eyes as they tried to steady their breathing, and Spot laughed. It began as a whispery chuckle, but it grew heartier and clearer until it turned into a teary cackle, a confusing release of emotions Spot had been repressing since the beginning of their adventure into Midwood. Tony laughed also, partially from excitement and partially in response to Spot’s uncontrollable sobs of laughter.

He lit his cigar with his new matches as Spot quieted and wiped the tears from her face. Tony looked at her with a mixture of concern and genuine hurt. “You all right?”

She shrugged. “Tomcat’s a jerk.”

Tony nodded and took a drag. A silence settled over the two that spoke more truth than the young kids knew how to articulate.

Tomcat was a jerk and his bullying hurt Spot more than she let on.

Watching his friend become the target of Tomcat’s unkindness angered Tony in a surprisingly passionate fashion, so much so that he’d punched a boy clearly years his senior for calling her names. He knew Spot could take care of herself, but nonetheless his instinct to hurt someone who hurt his friend was too sudden and strong to resist. Of course, Tony wanted to know the story behind Tomcat’s cruel teasing, but he was smart enough to respect Spot’s privacy and keep quiet.

He didn’t ask, but Spot knew she could trust him. She thought he had the right to know why Tomcat’s comments got to her like they did.

“I used to work with him at the Journal.” Spot hadn’t ever told Tony much about her life before she started living in the lodging house and working for the World. He listened intently as she continued, “He and his jerk friends were… just mean. That was the first place I worked and I still dressed…” She gestured to her clothes. “Like a girl. I still looked like a girl. I had long hair and wore dresses instead of pants.”

Tony tried to imagine, but the thought was so foreign he couldn’t wrap his mind around it.

Spot kept on. “Made me an easy target. A tiny five-year-old girl newsie with blonde braids that dressed like a dame and didn’t know how to throw a punch.”

He nodded. “Your name is Dot?”

“Used to be.” Spot sniffed. “Dorothy. My grandma’s name.”

“Why’d you change it?”

She shrugged. “Started working at the World and didn’t want to be seen like a girl anymore. Dot is obviously a girl’s name. Spot sounds kind of the same but more like a boy.” She scoffed. “And come on, I got a sense of humor. But the guys at the lodge don’t care if you’re a girl anyway. There’s lots of girls workin’ at the World.”

Tony paused. “You were five when you started sellin’?”

Spot looked up at him. The cigar was smoldering in his hand, ash falling as Tony stared. He was entirely engrossed, paying no attention to the still-burning cigar. Spot reached forward and took it.

She shrugged in response to his question as she took a drag. It was a Capadura, and the smoke burned her mouth not only from the heat but also the sharp peppery taste. The spice of it added a kick to the aroma of dark chocolate in the smoke, which made Capadura cigars Spot’s favorite. They were among the milder cigars Tony enjoyed, but even so, Spot coughed and passed it back to him.

“Why?”

Spot felt her face grow warm. She had already gotten so personal, she wasn’t sure she wanted to go much further in telling her story. “What’s it to you?” she spat, much harsher than she’d intended.

Tony’s eyes grew wide in response to the offense he must have caused her. “Nothin’!” He snuffed out the cigar and continued, “You don’t gotta tell me if you don’t want…” He trailed off in thought and bobbed his head as he considered how to proceed. “Ma was having a baby and Pop works at a slaugherhouse, so they said I had to find work or go live with my uncle in Maryland since we don’t got a lot of money. That was only last year so it just surprised me when you said you been sellin’ for three years.”

“It’s fine. I get it.” Spot shifted on the branch. “My pa died when I was five. Evan was almost three so Mum stayed home during the day and worked at night. Bridget took a job sewing in a factory but I was too little, so I started selling papes for the Journal.”

Spot hadn’t ever told Tony very much about her family, so he could only assume that Evan and Bridget were her siblings. “You see your family anymore?”

Spot snorted. “That’s a laugh. I ran away. I don’t want to see them and they don’t want to see me.” Mum had come looking for her once before. Only once. She had come banging on the lodging house door just before dark, but Mrs. Kirby had turned her away, citing no presence of a “Dorothy Connell” in the house. Spot had hidden on the stairs throughout the whole thing, basically in tears.

Tony didn’t press further. The sun was low in the sky, the day was almost over. The last carriage across the bridge would be leaving soon. Spot sighed and began the descent toward solid ground. Tony dropped to the ground just after. Spot led the meandering walk through the park, Tony following in silence.

They arrived at the lodging house twenty minutes later, most of the boys already returned from their days of selling. The clock on the wall read 6:10, enough time for the duo to eat supper and get Tony back to Manhattan.

“Conlon!” came a voice from the floor. Piker, a lanky eleven-year-old with a penchant for troublemaking, stood from her reading spot in the common area and bounded over, stealing Spot’s hat and ruffling her hair. “You’re home early!”

Spot grinned and grabbed at her hat, but Piker, ever the teasing older sibling, held it out of reach, forcing Spot to jump for it. Then Piker bolted down the stairs toward the basement, Spot and Tony following close behind. As Spot rounded the corner at the bottom of the stairs, the cap collided with her face, Piker’s laugh growing dimmer as she ran down the length of the dining area. Hat in hand, Spot chased her, cackling as she ran with wild abandon under tables and between the legs of older newsies to tackle Piker.

As Tony caught up, the older newsie stood, pulling the squealing Spot onto her back as she approached the line for food. Spot picked her food from Piker’s back, Tony dutifully collecting her order and carrying the tray to a table. Spot and Tony always shared when they ate at the lodging house, since Spot was the only one who actually paid to be there. Tony offered to pay her back the first time, but Spot insisted, claiming that she never ate all the food they offered anyway. Not that there was an abundance of food on the plate. Spot just said what she knew would make Tony shut up and eat, since she had a feeling he wouldn’t be having a decent meal otherwise.

Tonight they shared potatoes, pot roast, and something that looked to be green beans. It all tasted generally the same, but the kids were grateful to eat something hot. They sat with Piker and a couple of the older newsies, laughing at their jokes and listening intently to their stories.

“How was the racetrack, Racetrack?” Piker asked as Tony took a large bite of potato.

Still not quite used to the nickname, Tony didn’t look up from the plate. Spot had to elbow him to get his attention, and Tony almost choked as he tried to answer. “Good!” he tried to say through a mouthful of food.

Piker barked a laugh as Spot rolled her eyes. “Gross! Don’t get potatoes on the table!”

“Lay off him, Spot!” Piker fired back. “He’s enjoying his dinner! Unlike you! You’ve hardly eaten!”

It was true. Spot had only picked at her food. “Not real hungry.”

“I am,” called Hank as he slid down the bench, aiming his fork at Spot’s plate.

She met his fork with her own, a metallic clink stopping Hank from stealing her food. “I ain’t hungry now, doesn’t mean I won’t be later.”

Hank backed off, mumbling something about leftovers.

“Spot!”

She turned over her shoulder toward the stairs where Shiner was standing. Her face fell. He didn’t look happy. Shiner jerked his head toward the stairs as he ducked out of sight, indicating she should follow him. A chorus of “ooh” rose from the table, to which Spot responded for them to shut it.

Shiner stood at the top of the stairs waiting, and then led her up the next flight and the next to the third floor. She followed him down the hallway, past the large barrack where a couple boys were already sleeping and toward the wing of private rooms. They were more expensive than the barracks and bunks, and so only the older newsies and best sellers rented the private rooms. Being the so-called King of Brooklyn, Shiner had a private room on the end of the hall across from a type of hospital room where kids went when they were sick. Spot followed Shiner into his room, and he closed the door behind them. Spot crossed her arms over her chest, leaning against a dresser, her back toward the window.

“What happened?” Shiner was intense, as though he were a pot about to boil over. “What happened today?”

“Nothin’. Tony and I—”

“I got word that you punched Tomcat?”

“I…” She hadn’t — that had been Tony — but she decided to take the blame for it anyway. “Yeah, I punched Tomcat.”

Shiner nodded and sat down on the bed. “So what happened?”

“He just… showed up out of nowhere and started being… you know how he is…”

“I know how he is. Why were you around him in the first place?”

“We… got lost.” It wasn’t quite a lie, but it also wasn’t quite the truth. Shiner gave her a look that conveyed his disbelief that Spot could have gotten lost going to or from the racetracks, a path she walked every day. “We stopped to get some matches and then ran into him outside the drugstore.”

Shiner shook his head. “You were deep in Midwood. That’s way off the path for you.”

Spot’s heart skipped. “How’d you know where it happened?”

“A little birdie told me.” Of course. One of Shiner’s informants must have seen it happen or heard about it through the grapevine. “Why were you so far in Midwood?”

Spot was tired of avoiding the truth. Shiner was as close to being Spot’s friend as he was anyone else’s. She knew she could trust him with her life, and he already knew so much that it didn’t make sense to keep secrets. “We was at a drugstore I used to go to when I lived there. Mr. O’Mara’s. He lived downstairs from my family. I… didn’t want to talk to him and so I ran away and we ended up way far off the path.”

Shiner sat his hand on his chin. “Tomcat’s pissed.”

“He shouldn’t have been a jerk,” Spot quipped under her breath.

Shiner spun to face her so quickly it startled her. “I don’t care if he was being a jerk. I can’t afford you running around punching our own, even if they deserve it. You gotta be more… diplomatic.”

Spot wasn’t quite sure what he meant. He ran a hand through his hair and continued, “I… know that you’re young, and you’re proud, but there are big things ahead for you. Tiny and I have been talking, and we both think that once you’re older, you’re going to make a great leader.”

Spot was shocked. She thought she’d come in to be chewed out, but Shiner had become much more sincere than she had ever seen him. “What do you mean?”

“Tiny’s my second, yeah? But once I’m out and he’s in, we think you should be next in line.”

Spot didn’t respond. Shiner was fifteen, which meant that at most he had around four or five more years as a newsie. Tiny was thirteen, so he would probably have around two years after Shiner left. If each of them lasted as long as they could as “King,” Spot would take the mantle at age fourteen. That was so far away, yet the older boys had already singled her out as a potential leader.

Shiner could sense that Spot was becoming overwhelmed. “You don’t have to be thinking about that right now. That’s a long way off. But you’re a great newsie. You know the business already. And I’ve been watching you teachin’ Racetrack. You’re a born leader. You care so much about the other kids, and everyone respects you. You are such a smart kid.” Spot smiled at the compliment but shook her head. “Don’t be humble. You’re smarter than me and Tiny put together. It’s a right shame you’re here and not using that genius brain for something bigger than sellin’ papes.”

He patted a spot on the corner of the bed, and Spot took the opportunity to sit. “It’s not something you need to be thinking about right now. That’s far off. But you get why I can’t have someone who’s supposed to be a leader runnin’ around punching people. Makes us look… rash. And you’re too damn smart to make rash decisions.” He reached out and ruffled her hair. “And just know that if you need anything to find me or Tiny. If Tomcat did something that really deserves a soakin’ we can take care of it in other ways, yeah?”

Spot nodded. “I’ll do better.”

He smiled and nudged her arm. “That’s our girl.” He stood and said, “It’s almost seven. Let’s get Racetrack back across the bridge.”

As they walked with Tony to catch the last carriage to Manhattan, Spot wanted nothing more than to tell him everything Shiner had said, but with the older newsie on their tails she thought it best to wait. She waved to him and watched his carriage disappear into the crowd, reminding herself that she still had years before she had to think about the big news she’d learned.

The future King of Brooklyn walked back to the lodging house with the current one, both silently contemplating the responsibility that comes with the title, a future responsibility about which Spot was tentatively optimistic.

~~~

just some angst featuring bullies and deadnaming no i’m not projecting what are you talking about anyway thanks for reading i’ll love you forever if you give me feedback/comments/likes

[seriouslysnape]

Shattered

__

Draco Malfoy x Astoria Malfoy x Fem! Reader

Warnings: Angst, Mentions of cheating.

Request: Hi, I was one of the many who requested a one shot.So I wrote that I'd like for you to write an angsty one shot with Draco, Astoria and reader. I heard this sound: So she gets the flowers right? And I got excuses, I got used and shattered." And it stuck with me still 🙈 You can make the end happy or sad. However you like.Thank you 😍💚 @perfect-storm95​

A/N: Well, well, well. This has made me hate Draco for the remainder of the day. Also, I’m gonna throw a little twist into this.

Word Count: 3,714

“All you have to do is say yes.”

__

It took a respectable amount of control to ignore the lurch in your stomach when he put his arm around her shoulder. It took even more restraint to avoid the heat in your throat when he laughed at something that she had spoken. And it took absolutely everything in you to ignore the way your heart ached when he kissed her the way he had once kissed you.

It had been a wild evening for sure, to say the very least. What was supposed to be a lighthearted night full of making fond memories and even more fun, you quickly discovered that you’d be having to face a part of your past that you had yet to come to terms with.

It had been almost three years since the last time you had seen Draco Malfoy. It had been three years since the last straw had been drawn and you left his home in hurt tears. Three years since you had walked out of his life, making a silent vow to never see him again, even if it meant going out of your way to do so.

You never thought you’d reunite quite like this.

Luna Lovegood had always been a dear friend of yours, despite the fact that she was a year younger than you. Her kindness and eccentric nature had appealed to you in the best of ways. The bubbly Ravenclaw girl had blossomed into a wonderful woman, and it overjoyed you to see her beginning this new chapter.

Her wedding was exactly how you had imagined it. It was far from traditional, but it was stunning nonetheless. Luna was a radiant bride, and you were beyond happy for her. Your good mood, however, tanked when you saw the blonde headed man at the reception afterwards. Even though it had been a few years, Draco still looked as he did the night you left him. 

It was a real punch in the gut to see him there, and you were almost convinced  that someone had spiked your drink. You were sure that you were dreaming, or that he was just a weird figment of your imagination. 

He was still tall and lean, and you couldn’t help but allow your eyes to follow the chiseled line of his jaw. He was wearing his nicest, favorite suit that still fit his frame perfectly. His voice was still serious and assertive, and his tone was still as it had always been. Make no mistake, it was still the same Draco Malfoy.

To make matters worse, it hurt like hell to see his arm wrapped around the very woman that caused your breakup. 

You wouldn’t deny that there was bad blood between yourself and Draco. Things had ended on a rotten note and things were never discussed, so it was only natural that there was unspoken tension.

Now, you were sulking at the table just behind theirs, not even interested in the engaging conversation happening around you between friends of yours that you hadn’t seen in quite some time. You just couldn’t seem to look away. It was like if you looked away and then looked back, he wouldn’t be there anymore. However, your silly belief was dismantled when his gaze suddenly caught yours. Yep, he was definitely real and sitting right in front of you.

Because you knew those piercing gray eyes anywhere.

You half expected him to pay you no mind and look away as if he hadn’t seen you at all, maybe even ignore your presence completely. But no, his glance locked with yours for a solid few seconds. Minds racing, hands shaking, hearts beating.

You were actually the first to look away, attempting to shift your attention as if you hadn’t just seen the only man you ever loved after so much time had passed. Even if you had been listening to what was being said around you, you were sure you wouldn’t have been able to hear a thing due to the thump of your heart in your ears. 

A deep blush had tinted Draco’s pale cheeks, and he had yet to look away. Your mind trailed to the woman who was obviously his date, and it was someone you REALLY had hoped you’d never see again. 

Astoria Greengrass was a beautiful woman. She was someone that you couldn’t help but compare yourself to. All the way from her voluminous hair to her impeccably pedicured toes. You had always thought of her to be the model of a picture perfect woman. But you never once thought that she was supposed to be competition for you.

It was a moment that would be permanently burned into your brain. No matter how hard you tried to forget (even going as far to use a spell on yourself) it still made its way back to you. It was a sickening sight, walking into your shared home with your boyfriend of 6 years to find him in bed with someone that had been under your nose the entire time. 

It was a massive blow to your pride, trust, and your heart. Draco had pleaded with and begged you to forgive him and to let it go. In between your screams and cries, he promised that things could work out and that things could be the way they were before.

You had magic for a reason, and he could easily obliviate all three of you and no one would ever know. But he knew how dishonest that would be. And you hated dishonesty.

Astoria had ducked out of the house just when your fight was getting started, which was good for her because you were sure you would’ve done something you might regret later. You and Draco had fought for hours. So long that your throats had gone raw from all the yelling and your eyes were almost puffed shut from all the tears. You had told him it was over in a burst of anger and hurt, and left him alone in your bedroom almost falling to pieces.

And that was the last time you had seen Draco Malfoy.

His presence hadn’t totally disappeared from your life. His name popped up in conversations from time to time, and you’d often stumble upon pictures of the two of you during happier times. But what you had not realized until seeing him again was that he had not once left the safety of your heart.

You were still in love with Draco Malfoy.

Your experience at Luna’s wedding had taken a full turn, and now you found yourself incredibly uncomfortable. You shouldn’t have been so surprised that he was there. Luna and Rolf had invited just about anyone they had ever been in contact with. Still, it was throwing you for a loop that Draco was sitting right in front of you.

It was the beautiful, gentle music that began to play overhead that finally snapped you out of your daze. Along with Luna and her newly wed husband, a few couples had broken away from their designated tables to slow dance on the dance floor of the reception. It didn’t take long for the floor to be crowded with people.

As hard as you tried, you couldn’t fight the urge to let your eyes flicker back to Draco. It was almost like an instinct. It was a natural behavioral thing that was still as sharp as ever. 

He wasn’t looking at you anymore, but his eyes were fixed on Astoria, who he had guided up from her seat and taken by the hand. A hot boiling sensation was building up in your gut at the sight of him leading her to the floor as well, holding her close and swaying with her to the comfort of the music. It wasn’t long before you were out on the floor as well, being spun around carefully by Blaise Zabini, whom you had been friends with throughout your years at Hogwarts. But your attention was far from Blaise.

Jealousy ran rampant through your core as you watched the way Draco’s hand rested on the small of Astoria’s back, his fingertips dancing across her. He looked down slightly into her dazzling eyes, a smile appearing on his face that was nothing short of lovestruck.

He had once danced with you like that. He had once held you like that. He had once looked at you like that. Granted, the situation usually involved the two of you alone in your living room under nothing but candlelight and music from one of your favorite shared records. But those were the moments that had always stuck with you.

The times where nothing else mattered but being together. The moments where the two of you felt like the only people in the world. When loving each other unconditionally was the only thing you ever wanted to do. Perhaps that was the hardest part of it all. The fact that you never knew where things went wrong. Your perfect relationship had crashed and burned unexpectedly with little explanations to why Draco decided that suddenly you weren’t enough. 

Draco caught you staring for the second time, his focus visibly moving from the woman that was currently in his arms. He had this look of uncertainty in his expression, but as if he had already made his mind up. Before you could process anything that was happening, Draco broke away from Astoria, and he was standing next to you and Blaise.

“Mind if I take [Y/N] from you, Blaise?” Draco smiled radiantly at his old friend.

Your stomach hit your shoes seemingly. Blaise smirked, still as coy as always. 

“Only if I can have a dance with your lady.” He grinned.

Draco chuckled lowly, allowing Blaise to take Astoria for a while. Despite everyone maneuvering around you, you felt like you were standing alone with Draco. You could only look at him, words failing to form. His hand trembled faintly as he held it out to you.

“Care to dance?” He offered.

Your head was screaming no, but your heart was screaming yes. You weren’t sure if this was a good idea or not, considering you weren’t sure what this was all about. But as always, your heart’s desires won out.

“Sure.” You replied meekly. 

A million fireworks exploded through you when his hand touched yours, pulling you in to him. Your arms wrapped around his shoulders, his hands resting on your back the way they had with Astoria. He stroked your skin through the material of your dress, as lovingly as he had all the times before. 

You were equal parts frustrated and desperate. Frustrated with yourself for still longing for him and missing him after all this time. Desperate for things to be the way they were before.

“You look wonderful.” He spoke quietly, careful not to disturb the peace of the atmosphere.

Oh, his voice. It was still deep and husky, but full of thought. It sent shivers down your spine that you hoped he couldn’t feel with his hand resting there.

“So do you.” You responded, wishing your heart would slow just long enough to get a hold of yourself.

He continued to hold you flush to him, taking in the scent of that same perfume you always wore. It flooded him with memories and remembrance. 

Truth be told, you knew all along that you couldn’t get away with never seeing Draco again. Even if you hadn’t been together for quite some time, your circle was just too close to successfully dodge him forever. But this was not at all how you thought it would go.

If you were being completely honest, you thought you’d casually run into him in Diagon Alley or somewhere that you went often. You always imagined that you’d spot him from across the room and be filled with such a rage that you’d be too angry to speak to him or would explode into a huge fight scene. You’d storm out without ever trying to make real contact with him, and you’d try your hardest to go back to living as normally as possible. This was far from what you had ever dreamed of. 

And you weren’t as angry as you always thought you’d be. Admittedly, there was still a pit of fury from the fact of his infidelity. But there was another feeling that seemed to wash that pit out completely. You weren’t angry at all really. 

You were sad.

“How have you been?” He asked, stepping in sync with you to the music.

“Staying busy with work. How about you?”

You were a little shocked when he didn’t burst into rambles about everything you had missed out on in the last few years. Instead, he only shrugged as if he wasn’t too impressed with himself.

“I’ve been good. Mother and Father still ask about you.” He answered.

A quick glimmer of joy beamed on your face. Draco’s heart leapt with thrill.

“Do they? Oh, how are they, Dray?” You asked with eagerness to hear about his parents well-being, not even realizing the use of his nickname.

His heart swelled.

“They’re the same as always.” He replied.

You nodded briefly, changing the subject.

“That’s good,” You prompted, only continuing once nothing else was said; “It’s been a while.”

“It has. I’m happy you’re doing well.” Draco answered.

You had been trying to ignore it, but the cold metal of his ring was prevalent through your dress, and it told you everything you needed to know. 

“So, you’re married now, huh?” You wondered aloud.

The blush returned to his cheeks, and he sucked in a breath.

“Yeah. Almost a year now,” He confirmed; “You?” 

A flush of embarrassment and dread flooded your body. You didn’t want to have to tell him that you hadn’t moved on when he clearly had. It wasn’t that you hadn’t tried to meet and find someone new. A few boyfriends had come and gone since Draco, and while they were all great, none of them had captured your heart. Even if it had felt like it at times, the world didn’t stop spinning the night you left Draco Malfoy, so you knew there was someone else out there.

You just wished they’d come sooner rather than later.

“No, not yet. I suppose that I haven’t found the one yet.” You said in a way that was unintentionally hurtful, but still left a sting in both yours and Draco’s chest.

It felt like a lie to say that. You had convinced yourself that Draco was “the one” long ago. From time to time, you still thought that. Draco himself would confess that he had felt the same way about you. Spending forever with you was all he had ever wanted. Getting married, having kids, and falling more and more in love everyday.

He’d never forgive himself for messing all of that up.

Silence grew between the two of you. Something that never would’ve happened if the two of you were still together. You and Draco had never run out of things to talk about.

You remembered all the nights that he made love to you until neither of you could hold yourselves up. How could you forget the way he cherished every part of you as if it were crafted by the highest hand?

You recalled the way you craved his touch and how he could have you in a puddly, whining mess underneath his hands within mere seconds. You missed his touch. You missed all those times.

You missed him.

Now here you were. Like two total strangers who knew everything about each other. It was heartbreaking.

“I think about you. A lot.” Draco abruptly professed, his voice even quieter on the off chance that Astoria and Blaise might come back waltzing by.

Something you could only describe as pure shock blindsided you. You certainly weren’t expecting THAT at all. As much as you wanted to fling yourself at him, you knew this was wrong. Your head shook, feeling as if it weighed like a ton of bricks.

“Stop.” You meant to say as a stern instruction, but it came out more as a pleading whisper.

He chuckled at himself incredulously, not acknowledging your beg.

“It’s the truth,” He remarked; “You know, I thought that marrying Astoria would fix me. I thought it was going to fill the piece of my life that was missing.”

Your head was still rocketing off flight responses. Every neuron howling at you to stop listening. To ignore. To get over it. To forget. But you wouldn’t.

You couldn’t.

“But I was wrong. I was so wrong. It took me far too long to realize that you’re the only thing that could ever fill that missing piece. You complete that picture,” He explained; “You complete me.”

It was near impossible not to listen to what he was saying. If your heart were beating any harder then it would surely explode. Your eyes were shining with tears that you had been holding back for far too long.

“Draco, I...” You trailed off, your voice quivering.

“Shh. Don’t cry, my pretty girl,” He hushed; “I can leave her, you know. Astoria will never be what you were. I know it, and she knows it. She’ll never say that though.”

It seemed that you were growing more stunned with each word that fell from his lips. He was offering to leave his wife for you. He was more than willing to just drop everything for you. It was a lot to consider...but you weren’t exactly leaping at his invitation.

“We can start over. Just you and me. We can be everything we were before,” He said, leaning in to where his lips were just barely brushing your ear; “All you have to do is say yes.”

It was a hell of a tempting offer. You had a chance to go back to him, to make up for all the time that you lost. You could make more of those amazing memories that you held so close to you.

You could have a life with Draco once again.

As much as you wanted to cave and give him everything you possibly could, there was something that was stopping you from giving in to him. Because even though you had this chance, you knew that it would never be like it was before.

“I can’t.” You hushed out.

You could feel Draco’s heart sink. Now tears were brimming his own eyes, blearing his vision and causing a lump in his throat.

“Please, darling...” He begged; “Why not?”

You shook your head again, holding your breath to stop your own tears from falling down your cheeks. It was killing you to do this, but you knew it was the right thing.

No matter how bad it hurt.

“Because you and I both know it won’t be like it was before. No matter how many times we try to start over,” You told him; “You broke my trust. You broke my heart, Draco. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive you for what you did.”

Determination and desperation flashed over his features.

“It was a mistake. A horrible, stupid mistake that I know for a fact that I never would’ve let happen again if you had stayed.” He pleaded.

You swallowed hard, forcing a sob back down.

“And if I had stayed, I’d never be able to go a day without wondering if that’s actually true.” You recanted.

Draco was shattered. He felt like he had been broken into millions of tiny bits that were thrown across the world.

Now he truly knew how you had felt since you left him.

“[Y/N], I-“ He went to say but was cut off.

“I’m sorry, Draco.” You apologized, eyeing Astoria and Blaise beginning to dance their way over to the two of you.

A single tear slipped from Draco’s left eye, the tear rolling down all the way to his jaw. The fate he had feared the most had just come true.

He had just lost his forever. And there wasn’t anything he could do about it.

All he could do was make sure he bared the rest of his heart to the woman he loved the most.

“I love you.” Draco proclaimed.

One of your hands came to cup his face, his head lulling in your soft touch.

“I love you, Draco.”

Before anything else could be said, Astoria and Blaise were at your side. She looked at Draco and back to you, you weren’t sure what it was, but she almost looked as if she knew everything that had just been said.

Without another word, you and Draco stopped dancing. Your arms fell from around him and his hold loosened so you could step away. Astoria’s hand rested on Draco’s shoulder as if to usher him away, but his hands were still holding yours.

His icy eyes looked into yours, as if to silently ask you once more if you would come with him. The look in your eyes told him that your mind was made up. You backed away from him, his fingertips only falling from yours once you were far enough away that he physically couldn’t reach you anymore.

Astoria whisked him away once you were out of their space. Both of you feeling much more empty than before. The rest of the night was much quieter for you. You kept to yourself, feeling as if you had been gutted completely.

And that was the last time you saw Draco Malfoy.

Your first wish of never wanting to see him again came true after that night. You never saw or heard from him again. You constantly found yourself wondering how things turned out for him. You wondered if he stayed with Astoria. You wondered if they had kids. You wondered if they spent forever together.

You wondered if they did all the things that you and Draco were supposed to do.

Your heart never fully moved on from Draco. And his never moved on from you. It was a reality you were never able to come to terms with, but there was one truth that you became all too familiar with.

Sometimes there just are no happy endings.

[dramatistvx]

Loki fic recs!

Hello there! Here are some of the Loki fics I’ve read that I thought were really good :) Enjoy! 

Some of the fics contain dark themes so please read the tags and be safe! :)

Time Travel -fix it- 

The Fun With Time Loops series by Infinite_Monkeys

Summery first work:

With One More Try (Can We Start Again) 

Loki's attempt to conquer Earth has, to his great dismay, succeeded spectacularly. When Thanos sends him to collect the Time Stone, he strikes a deal with the Stone's keeper: he'll be sent back to the beginning of the invasion, and this time, armed with knowledge about his opponents, he can lose properly.

Or: a time loop fic in which Loki does increasingly desperate things to try and get the Avengers to defeat him already. 

Words: 13,563 - chaptered

Series total; 4 works, words: 78,913

Pretty sure you’ve already heard about this one and for good reason. It’s so good! Loved the whole series. I liked the third work best, tho it’s quite a bit longer than the others -60 k- It has more depth and -wayyy more angst- you get to see more of Loki struggling and him generally being in pain oOp- but he’s trying! Also Thor just wants to help bc he cares hihi. Love love love.

those yesterdays bleeding through by wnnbdarklord

Loki dies on the desolate plains of Svartalfheim, Thor's howls of grief ringing in his ears. He wakes up on his bed in his cell, where there is no sign of destruction.

A time loop fic where Loki gets the chance to fix things on the day the Dark Elves attack Asgard. And another. And another.

Words: 9,508

Another great time travel fix-it fic! I actually read the Fun With Time Loops series because I liked this fic so much and needed more lmao. There’s also a twist in the end that I didn’t see coming ;) It has so much angst for 9k I love XD I’d say that it’s a bit more explicit in the angst so be aware! Overall great read if you want something short and angsty but with a hopeful ending. 

De aging

Amateur Theatrics by galaxysoup

In which Thor’s primary problem-solving method (a mighty blow from Mjolnir) fails to have the desired effect on a magical artifact, and his secondary method (a mightier blow from Mjolnir) proves to be actively disastrous.

Words: 26,586 - chaptered

Love love love this one! After a magical accident, Loki accidentally gets de aged and it’s the most adorable thing ever. There’s fluff and angst and kid Loki is just so precious. I also love how Loki and Clint bond in this. Literally go read this! xD

Hurt/Comfort, Angst

Ichor in Violet by tirsynni

When Thor learns that Loki can travel to other realms without Heimdall seeing, of course he convinces Loki to take them both to Jotunheim to hunt Frost Giants. There an accident unravels centuries of lies and threatens to unravel Loki, too.

Words: 14,574 - chaptered

Where Loki accidentally discovers who he really is and has trouble dealing. Thor is confused, he just loves his brother. The angsttttt. This is dark so be aware! 

The Tapestries series by Lise

Summary first work:

It turns out that even a god can't escape a beating by the Hulk unscathed. At the end of the Battle of New York, Loki doesn't get back up. This changes more than you'd think. 

Series total; 4 works, Words: 30,727

Oh the angst *wrings hands* 

This series is amazing! It’s Loki struggling to deal with centuries of unresolved anger and hurt while simultaneously trying to cope with more recent events, the Void..Thanos. 

Basically, Loki just wants to go home, wherever that may be. Everyone’s trying, genuinely trying. You just gotta know when -how- to stop fighting. It’s very well written and It really dives into the psychological aspects of his trauma. Also, Odin actually cares for once lmao. This one is also pretty dark so be aware! 

Mistakes Made (And Corrected) by ADreamer67

In a different universe, Hela rebelled sooner. In a different universe, Hela Odinsdottir seduced Laufey with promises of power and convinced him to attack Midgard. In a different universe, Hela got pregnant, and didn't want to be. In a different universe, Hela left her newborn son for dead and went to face her father.

In a different universe, Loki Helajarson is two hundred and fifty years older than Thor. Let's see what happens.

Words: 47,072

Woah, just- this is so good!! It’s a very different take on Loki’s character but it’s still really fitting. After Thor is banished and the Odin sleep is fast approaching, Loki is to be king. Things don’t go very well for him, to say the least. I loved how the characters were portrayed and absolutely adored the dynamic between Loki and Thor. There’s so much angst and turmoil and it’s pretty dark so read the tags and be safe! 

Just Close Your Eyes by ADreamer67

Ragnarok has come to pass, the Asgardians have reached a deal with the leaders of Midgard for territory of their own, Loki is allowed to stay (provided he doesn’t leave said territory), and Thor is settled on the throne. So all in all, things are going well, if you ignore the recent massacre and planetary annihilation.

Well, except for the fact that Loki is working himself into the ground. And Thor is having none of it.

Cue a not entirely legal brotherly field trip where Thor will make Loki relax, or die trying. Responsibilities? Pssh, who cares about those? (Hint - Loki. Very much so)

Words: 31,832 - chaptered, still going

So fun! It starts out pretty angsty but it gradually becomes a little more lighthearted. Then, it’s just Thor and Loki exploring Midgardian customs together -mostly Loki being mildly disgusted by them lmao- :) 

Birthright by ADreamer67

Four years ago, Odin told Loki his birthright was to die. If only he knew.

When the Laufeyson was born small, too small and frail to survive, the solution seemed obvious. Though it had been many a generation since it had been done, the child was brought forth to the Casket, to be bound to its' power in an ancient ceremony that would imbue the little one with all the strength of a typical Jotun. That ceremony was interrupted by battle, and the child was left with the unguarded casket, in the hopes that the casket could keep it alive until it was safe to finish the ceremony.

That ceremony was never finished.

Over a thousand years later, the Casket of Ancient Winters is destroyed during Ragnarok. No one thought this would be an issue, least of all Loki. Guess what.

Words: 76,599 - chaptered, still going

This is so good!!! It’s one of the first fics I read in the fandom and it has really set my standards high. There’s so much angst and turmoil and it’s so well written. I absolutely adored the dynamic between the crew and how much Thor loves his brother even though Loki thinks he doesn’t deserve it. I really like the way ADreamer67 portrays the characters. 

Soulmate/Soulbond, Relationships

Maybe You (and your sad blue eyes) by alby_mangroves

Loki had already come to accept being born without a bonded soul to cleave to, one more way in which he would always be the lesser brother. So of course it made sense that it would settle upon him when he least expected it.

(Set in the timeline of Captain America: The First Avenger, Thor, and The Avengers. Canon divergent just before Chitauri invasion.)

Words: 29,258 - chaptered

I don’t really ship Loki and Steve -bc stucky heheh- but I came across this fic in another rec list and I absolutely loved it, plus the art is stunning! Def a great read if you like angsty soulmate/soulbond fics but with a happy ending.

The sexual awakening of Steve Rogers by aLoggedInReader

Steve's life has always been complicated, but he did not know just how much of a rollercoaster it could become until Bucky came to stay with him.

Bucky is trying to be helpful and get Steve to live a little, but between being a hundred years old and having only lived a couple of those years, as an assassin for Hydra to boot, he tends to miss the mark now and then.

Adding an Asgardian prince in exile to the mix surprisingly does not make things easier.

Words: 47,333, still going

Sksjsksksk I don’t really ship Loki/Steve but this one is just so fun. features a lot of female Loki, flustered Steve, protective Bucky and overall wholesomeness and chaotic energy. Everyone just wants Steve to be happy. -mostly Steve centric-

The lines, here are written by dfotw

In a world where everyone has their soulmate's name written on their wrists, Steve Rogers has quite a lot more... and Loki, a lot less.

Words: 18,009 - chaptered

Lmao Imma just stop saying I don’t ship them XD This one is also really good. It’s angsty and tender with a hopeful ending. 

[tracer85s]

MDZS fics i treasure (2)

parts 1, 2, 3

The Simplest Way Forward by harriet_vane

[explicit, lan wangji/wei wuxian, 71k, complete]

one of the classics. this is also the fic that got me into the whole mdzs fandom. i literally just searched up kid fic on ao3 and this one seemed promising... so i read it without knowing who tf lan wangji or wei wuxian are... fast forward a few months later and all i can think about is “wangxian are married and have a son.” THEY’RE MARRIED AND HAVE A SON. now take that knowledge and add in modern wangxian as university music students who get married to take care of a-yuan and you’ve got yourselves this brilliant fic. also, i did not know you can endlessly pine for your own husband but with wangxian, anything’s possible

Neatly Arranged by thunderwear

[teen and up, lan wangji/wei wuxian, jiang yanli/jin zixuan, 45k, complete]

yes. i love arranged marriage wangxian fics okay ! they’re my guilty pleasure. this one’s unique because lwj’s actually bethrothed to jiang yanli and jin zixuan’s bethrothed to wwx which is actually kind of funny especially when jzx asks lwj if he wants to switch. it does get angsty but there’s a happy ending !

Night of Sixth Magnitude Stars by Leffy

[mature, lan wangji/wei wuxian, 22k, complete]

modern au with student lwj and teacher wwx although it’s only for the first chapter. THIS FIC. OH MY GOD. i literally got tricked, i thought it would be lighthearted and fluffy but the angst (specifically for wwx’s character) broke my heart. THE PLOT IS AMAZING, PLEASE READ IT

one good thing by Yuu_chi

[teen and up, lan wangji/wei wuxian, 26k, complete]

this one’s a classic, one of the first few mdzs fics i read and i absolutely love it. modern au with ghost wwx and house owner lwj *squeals* IT’S SO FLUFFY... and then gets quite a bit angsty at the end, i swear your heart stops at that scene. anyway it’s such a good read sigh,,, might re-read

Pigtail Pulling by protos_metazu_ison

[general, lan wangji/wei wuxian, 3k, complete]

whenever i’m feeling down, this fic always manages to cheer me up. it’s very lighthearted, just fluffy wangxian in cloud recesses: wwx teasing lwj and lwj teases back and absolutely flusters wwx. it’s just SO CUTE

Rush Hour by Ulan

[teen and up, lan wangji/wei wuxian, 3k, completed]

basically modern wangxian in public transport, pressed up against each other, with a dash of protective lwj and damsel in distress wwx. warning, there is minor sexual assault but the rest is just fluffy wangxian <3

seldom all they seem by Fahye

[explicit, lan wangji/wei wuxian, 24k, complete]

yes... another arranged marriage fic... i have nothing to say for myself. but this one’s just the usual fic with lwj finding wwx annoying at first and then pining so hard afterwards once he realizes wwx is his entire world. the author also changed the wwx escaping with the wens scene and OH MY GOD THEIR VERSION *chef’s kiss*. READ IT !

silhouettes to steal this night by moonsteps

[teen and up, lan wangji/wei wuxian, 51k, complete]

MODERN WANGXIAN AS ASSASSINS/HITMEN AND ROOMMATES. WHAT MORE DO I NEED TO SAY. guys, they just flirt every time they’re assigned to the same hit i am literally crying. top tier fic as expected from moonsteps (read the rest of their works you won’t regret it at all).

so you’ve been robbed by a museum by yukla

[mature, lan wangji/wei wuxian, 5k, complete]

immortal cultivators wangxian in the modern world !! to summarize, wangxian somehow does *not* get their shit together in the ancient times and pine all the way into the 21st century until lwj sees an entire section of paintings of himself hanging in the museum... you can guess whose yearning-induced artistic creations those are ;)

soft-hearted by @sarah-yyy

[general, lan wanji/wei wuxian, 6k, complete]

are you wondering what happens if child lwj found child wwx in the streets and brought him back to gusu with him? this. this is what happens: SOFTNESS, FLUFF, AND WWX CALLING GEGE. i literally didn’t know how much i need childhood friends to lovers wangxian until i read this and every time wwx called lwj gege? hello? i was pretty sure i was going to burst into flames if i kept screaming. also, read the author’s wangxian rebuttable presumption verse on their page bc it’s absolutely genius oh my god i’m never going to shut up about the rp verse

take yourself home by ribena

[mature, lan wangji/wei wuxian, 26k, complete]

okay, this one is HEAVY. like you would seriously just want to wrap wwx in a blanket and feed him soup kind of heavy. to summarize, radio host lwj keeping plant dad wwx company with his voice and then himself once he moves into the same apartment as wwx. honestly, this one hits home for me, it will definitely make you sob but the ending is so hopeful and i need a sequel of just plant dads wangxian being domestic 

tame by rikke

[mature, lan wangji/wei wuxian, 11k, complete]

IMAGINE IF LWJ DID NOT LEAVE WWX AFTER THE XUANWU CAVE. just imagine oh my god, maybe they would’ve gotten their feelings resolved faster... or hatched a baby xuanwu, and wait what? yes, you read right. this fic is about xuanwu dads wangxian in yunmeng, it’s fluffy and funny and just a perfect lighthearted read if you’re having a bad day

The Fire Lapping Up the Creek by notevenyou

[explicit, lan wangji/wei wuxian, 66k, complete]

in which wwx travels to lanling alone for jin ling’s one month celebration and gets heavily injured, cue in very heavy hurt/comfort. warning, there’s major illness and surgery in this fic. so basically, lwj stays in the burial mounds to guard wwx and the wens while wwx recovers from his injury. LISTEN, burial mounds husbands wangxian and heavy hurt/comfort, what more do you need. go read it

The Lotus Defense Society by mondengel

[teen and up, lan wangji/wei wuxian, jiang yanli/jin zixuan, 3k, complete, only available for registered users of ao3]

i have lost count of how many times i’ve read this one, i love it so much. lwj and jzx bond over their mutual pining for wwx and jyl and accidentally starts a cult with nhs to prevent unsuitable people from courting them. where do i even begin with this fic, it’s literally so amazing !! very crack-y, my favourite line is “Young Master Jin!  It’s Lan Wangji! He’s enacting Phoenix Mountain Part 2!” and then what happens after is my favourite scene

the secret ingredient by queen_gee

[teen and up, lan wangji/wei wuxian, 8k, complete]

WWX BAKING FOR LWJ WHO HAS A SWEET TOOTH OH MY GOD I AM SOBBING. modern college/university wangxian with lots of pining and baking, i am literally banging my head against a table this is the sweetest fic, but they’re also idiots in love so there’s some light angst but you’ll literally melt at the ending !!

The Trials and Tribulations of a Modern Father by Bgtea

[teen and up, lan xichen/jiang wanyin, lan wangji/wei wuxian, 24k, complete]

written in jiang fengmian’s pov where jfm realizes jiang cheng attracts a lot of attention from... old men. cue in lan xichen and his charming smile and this spells trouble to jfm so he enlists wwx’s help in operation protect jiang cheng. endgame xicheng with side pairing wangxian, this is absolutely cute and very humorous

with you, I am home by tellthemstories

[mature, lan wangji/wei wuxian, 47k, complete]

MODERN CULTIVATORS WANGXIAN DECIDE TO FAKE DATE *SCREAMS*. slow burn (but not if you read it fast enough), the way they are so domestic in this one oh my god, a LOT of oblivious wwx, and lwj meeting the family. i’m a sucker for fake dating fics and this one is just SO right. i’m urging everyone to read it for self-care

[writingsfromhome]

Bad Timing I(.5)

A/N: This is the sort of backstory to Harry and you, I think it can be read on its own if you want, or before you read the first part too. It’s angsty af, but it has some death and sensitive topics jsyk. I tried to keep it concise but it got a little wordy as angst does. xx

Part 1

-------------------------------------------------

About 12 Years Ago:

“So are you coming to that party or not?” My roommate asks. She was one of the first people I’d met last year when we started uni and even though we came from different backgrounds we remained friends over the last year, even choosing to room together again. She got me to open up and find the extroverted part of me that was able to enjoy uni outside of academics.

“Ugh, I’m volunteering for the voting booths for the rest of the week. Maybe if I can make it?”

“You’re actually doing that?” She scrunches her nose. “I don’t get it. You’re just way too nerdy to be my friend.”

“And yet you loove me,” I squeeze her against me and she laughs. “It’s my mom, she said I had to do at least one extracurricular so I could meet friends this year.”

“You already have friends,” she points to herself, and with her came her group of friends that’d quickly taken me in last year.

And my mom doesn’t like that I hang out with you, I think. She thought we partied too much even though my grades stayed decent. “She wants me to have nerdy friends too, I dunno. They’re helping me pay my tuition until I get a job so I kinda have to play nice.”

“Parents suck,” my roommate flicks through her closet. I agreed, this was just something I would get through to get through. Then they would leave me alone for the rest of the year.

Little did I know the person they’d partner me with at my polling station was someone who would be in my life for the next decade.

“I’m Harry by the way,” he’d said after we received our orientation and assigned the building we were going to babysit the votes in. “Second year.”

“Me too! I’m Y/N. What’s your major? I’ve never seen you around.”

“Law--well I haven’t decided if it’s law but that’s what I’m in right now.”

“Really? Law?” I was openly judging, he just didn’t seem the law type.

“Well what are you in?” He demands.

“Business,” I cringe.

“Really? Business?” He has a cheeky smile on, one that would become familiar to me.

“Well, you just don’t seem like the law type. They’re usually more uptight, dress way too smart for me.”

“I know, it’s like, we’re not even in the courtroom yet,” he joins in and it makes me laugh--how he could poke fun at his own people. That’s when I knew we would get along fine, and I actually looked forward to the next few days getting to know him better.

“I’m definitely telling my mum about you, she’s been begging me to make friends outside of my circle. I’ll tell her I’m friends with a law student.”

“So we’re friends already?” We’d reached our booth and began setting up the partitions. He takes over when I set it up wrong.

“Obviously,” I say. “I actually like you which means you’ll have a hard time getting rid of me.”

“I’m alright with that,” he grins and I notice the laugh lines that are brought to life as he does. It somehow made him seem more genuinely.

We spend the rest of the time swapping stories, classes, rants. We check student IDs and hand out voting cards in between but it doesn’t feel like a drag anymore. At the end of the day, I invite him to the party my roommate was going to with our friends. If he was going, maybe I would too. He seemed like he might be fun at a party.

“Er,” he suddenly seems nervous. “I’ll have to ask my girlfriend, she wanted to hang out tonight.”

“Well bring her too!” I say excitedly. “Is she law as well?”

“No, she’s in the arts.”

“I like her already,” I push. “Bring her, my friends are fun you’ll learn how to have a good time.”

“I know how to have a good time,” there was the flash of his dimples again. “Text me the address.”

And thus began a friendship for the next four years, partying together, studying together (trying to), and hanging out in each other’s rooms. We would set each other up with other friends, double dated, went out for sunrise-hikes, and took long drives at night when we had to blow some steam off from being over-stressed, over-studied uni students. Our friend circles overlapped, the fabric of our lives eventually bleeding together. We were made of the same fibers, sticking together even after uni, when our friends got more serious about their careers. When they moved out of the country or to another city, we made sure to rent places close enough that we could still see each other often. And somehow, in the new chapter of our lives, without the partying and our other friends to buffer, we became closer than before.

We cared for each other--we didn’t deny that ever. And somehow that platonic love turned romantic as we depended on each other while we navigated adulthood. I can’t exactly pinpoint where things changed, but one evening our relationship was changed forever.

7 years ago:

“She literally wants me to stay until 7, and she was offended when I said no! I’m not even getting paid for that!” I was bitching to Harry about my shitty job.

“That’s bollocks” Harry shrugs. “Just say you’ve got family obligations or something.”

“I said that the one time she wanted us to come in on a weekend and she gave me shite work the following week! I just...I can’t afford to lose this job Harry.”

“That’s shitty, I’m sorry.” He takes the last swig of his beer. “Want another one?”

“I haven’t even finished this one,” I moan at my now warm beer that I’d been nursing for the last hour, too busy ranting to drink it. “It’s getting late though I should head home before it’s dark. Don’t want that nutter that hangs around my building to harass me again.”

“I’ll walk you home,” Harry suggests. He lived a 15 minute walk from me.

“No no,” I get up and take our dirty dishes to the sink. “I didn’t even ask about you, how was your day?”

“Same old,” he sighs against the counter. “I feel like I don’t fit in, everyone my age is finishing their law degree but I don’t think I want to.”

“I knew from the day I met you, you weren’t destined for the courtroom.” I pull him into a comforting hug. “Do what makes you happy, or what doesn’t make you want to say fuck it and quit your job to hibernate.”

“You really know the perfect thing to say,” Harry chuckles but he pulls me tighter against him. I stroke his back, reassuring him he’d be alright in the end.

“Y/N-” he pulls away to say something but freezes mid sentence. I raise an eyebrow but he’s still, staring at my face.

“Harry?” I ask, but he continues staring. “Hello? You alright?”

“Yeah,” he breaks into a sudden smile. That was weird--I make sure he’s okay before letting go.

Before I leave, I kiss Harry’s cheek goodbye--I was never shy in the affection I gave my friends and Harry’s bummed mood needed extra affection tonight. But what I don’t expect is for him to catch me before I pull away, staring intently into my eyes. The lighthearted energy between us disappears instantly as it dawns on me, how close we were, the unspoken feelings in his eyes, the hesitation before he presses his lips to mine.

I kissed him back then, barely understanding what was happening, before pulling away. I give him a smile but that’s just what he sees at the tip of the iceberg, underneath my mixed feelings churn away. My best friend just kissed me, and I wasn’t totally mad about it.

“It’s getting dark I-” I say as Harry says, “Sorry was that okay?”

We laugh awkwardly, neither of us sure what to do at this point. We decide to ignore it instead.

“I’ll talk to you later,” Harry lets me go and opens the door for me. “Watch out for the neighbourhood nutter yea?”

I stand in place, feeling the fibers of our friendship unraveling but feeling hopeless in mending the tear. “Take care Harry.”

I high tail it out, my thoughts going at an impossible rate as I sort out what happened. And we try to ignore it the next couple weeks,

We hadn’t made it official then, too nervous to face what this meant about our friendships. It was only at my sister’s wedding, that I realised what was wrong between us. I’d been mourning our old friendship, and avoiding him in the weeks since the kiss. But what I didn’t realise was that our friendship had been changing over the last year anyway, and getting drunk on champagne and dancing with Harry, while my sister celebrated the happiest day of her life, made me realise there was a cause for celebration here: a new chapter in our lives.

A couple days later, after a stressful day at work, I’d taken the tube to his flat and waited for him outside. He was surprised to see me there, not saying much except to open the door and let me in. As soon as he’d closed it, my lips were attached to his and we’d let our bags drop, coats, and any piece of clothing between us. After that night, we didn’t even try to deny how we felt about each other.

“I didn’t think I could ever be this happy,” he’s whispered to me after. I thought he’d fallen asleep but his whisper in the dark made me grin to myself. “Are you awake.”

“I am. Awake and happy.” I turn to face him, giggling. “Who knew this could feel so right.”

“Our first kiss was quite wrong though wasn’t it?” Harry says and it makes me laugh.

“That’s why I needed to do a redo,” I tease. “Can’t leave you to plan anything.”

“It wasn’t planned I swear, I was trying to be spontaneous.”

“Let’s not try ‘spontaneous’ again then,” I kiss him in the dark. He pulls me snug against him, I never knew how safe it felt. The safest I would ever feel, wrapped in the warmth with my best friend and now something else.

It was a good few months, testing the waters as our relationship underwent a transformation. All of our friends were supportive, but we never missed the glances between them. Apparently, they were waiting for this to happen. But as sweet as those first few months had been, finding out my mum was sick with a timeline was devastating. I came apart at the seams but Harry stayed through it all, holding me together. He’d proposed then, wanting my mum to be part of the ceremony. We had a small wedding, intimate but still magical. It was bittersweet, the amount of love and happiness I felt towards Harry and our loved ones around us as he said I do and as he took my arm and swept me across the dancefloor. But the amount of sadness crushing my chest kept me from being the weightless bride I always thought I would be.

Through it all, Harry stayed by my side. While we were hopeful, the day our hopes were dashed, the days and weeks I mourned. When my sister and her husband came to stay with their crazy toddlers and Harry kept them entertained giving my sister and I time together. I thought he was perfect, that I’d lucked out.

That lasted a few years, 3 and a half to be exact. There were months leading up to our split and we could point to a bunch of things that could’ve led to it. a) him wanting kids, and me wanting to wait or b) long hours we worked as we changed careers and tried to make our way up or c) how hard getting pregnant actually was. Maybe I pushed him away, or he didn’t love me enough to try and make it work.

I think I lied to myself, avoiding the tension creeping into the relationship. The tired excuses and time spent apart, the lack of usual affection, or casual conversations. I was an idiot, I realise every time I think about the end in retrospect. Maybe if I caught on earlier I could have fixed us before we fell apart. Maybe I could have saved us.

“There’s someone coming in Tuesday morning to fix the broken washer, will you be home?” I ask, still in bed and scrolling through my phone. I hadn’t meant to be up this early but Harry woke me as he got up and I couldn’t fall back asleep.

“No,” Harry responds, his back to me as he ruffles through the dresser. “I’ve got a thing that morning.”

“Well I’ve got to go in early Tuesday-I thought you might be home.” I say. I hear an edge to Harry’s voice but I try not to focus on it. He’d been a little cold all weekend and I was scared to think what it meant.

“You couldn’t be bothered to check in when you confirmed the date?” Harry asks harshly.

“I...guess not.” I put my phone down and wait for Harry to turn, maybe I could read his expression. Maybe he was stressed. “Harry?”

“What?” He turns, but he looks at me with no emotion. No stress, no frustration, not even anger. It’s the lack of emotion in his face that cause my eyes to prick with tears. Harry raises his eyebrows and I shake my head, untangling myself from the sheets so he doesn’t see any tears. I rush to the bathroom but forget to close the door out of habit.

“Y/N,” a kinder Harry appears by the doorway. His face has smoothed out the harsh lines, his eyes hesitant and cautious.

“What’s happened with us?” I blurt out. “Why are you so cold all the time? Am I doing something wrong?”

Harry’s face falls and he walks towards me but doesn’t touch me. “It’s nothing like that. It’s...I don’t know. We should talk.”

He reaches his hand out but I flinch away. “Did you meet somebody new or something? What are we talking about?”

“Let’s not do this here. Right now.”

“Why not!” I finally had enough. “I’ve been walking on eggshells for months Harry! I don’t know what’s wrong and I keep waiting for you to bloody tell me!”

“This isn’t working!” Harry raises his voice to compensate for mine. I’m immediately silenced by the volume, and then the words sink in.

“Is there someone else?” I ask.

He doesn’t answer, his gaze on the hanging vines by the window. My heart drops into my stomach like a boulder, and I find it hard to breathe. I clutch the porcelain sink and ask in a surprisingly even tone, “Harry. Answer me.”

“What we have, Y/N...it’s dysfunctional.” He says quietly, meeting my eyes. “It doesn’t matter if there’s someone else, we’ve been fighting for months. Things aren’t the same between us-”

“Who is she?” I ask. I needed to know.

“That’s not relevant,” he shuts my question down quickly. “I’m sorry Y/N, I...I don’t want to hurt you. I care about you, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Then don’t,” I’d pleaded. “We can go to counseling, talk it through-”

“I can’t Y/N.”

“Because of her.”

“No, because this isn’t good for either of us.” He’d walked up to me, cradled my face. “We’re not good for each other, not like this.”

“Who is she?” I yank his hands away.

“She’s...it doesn’t matter, I swear nothing happened between us Y/N. Knowing who she is isn’t going to help this situation--”

“It is! If it weren’t for her, you’d be willing to work on us--to see a future. You...Harry how could you do this to me? To us?” The tears come with no control. “You’re moving on before we’re even over. How are you giving up on us like that?”

“I’m not!” his voice booms in the tiled bathroom. “I’m not bloody giving up on us! I tried Y/N, so many times. I tried! You just keep pushing at me to be someone I’m not and-”

“I can say the same thing about you!” I throw the brush in my hands into the sink. “We were good! And you got it in your head you wanted a baby even though we’re young, oh my god Harry you kept pestering me to change my mind even though I told you I needed time!”

“It’s not like we could have a fucking baby anyway,” Harry says bitterly before realising what he’d said. “Shit-”

“There you go,” I mock. “I knew it. I knew you were holding that against me. And that,” I jab my finger into his chest. “Is what’s made you so moody, so mean and why we’re always fighting. You held it against me.”.

There was absolute truth to what I said. Last year, Harry had brought the baby topic up. I’d told him we were only in our mid-20s, we had a lot of time, and we still had a career to establish. But he would bring up the topic often enough that I’d given in.To make him happy. And months went by, trying for a baby. Went we finally went to our doctor, she’d told us why it was so hard, it could take us years she’d said.

Harry came home that day dejected, and left me feeling like a failure. I think it tore us up.

“You wanted a baby so fucking bad and when I couldn’t, it made me feel like a complete failure. And I told you that! And you did absolutely nothing to make me feel better. You held it against me, Harry! You didn’t even try to tell me it was okay.”

“It’s not so fucking simple,” he says, his cheeks flushed pink. Maybe it was anger, or maybe it was embarrassment from being confronted with an ugly truth.

“It is. And now you’ve upgraded to a newer model, maybe her version comes with a fertile womb.” I take the cheap shot.

He doesn’t say anything though. And I don’t know why that hurts more than knowing he’d fallen for another woman while he was still married to me. My best friend in the whole world had just broken my heart into a million irrevocable pieces.

“It’s a bunch of things Y/N,” he finally says. “That’s just part of it. We’re not...we’re just not working!”

“Did you even try to make it work?” I ask, swiping my sleeve across my face. “Did you ever think how I felt? How you made me feel Harry? You’ve been slipping away from me without talking to me-” I break off. I couldn’t speak through the heartbreak, the thunderstorm of grief threatens to consume me and my sobs are the only thing that manages to come out.

“I never wanted to hurt you,” Harry tries to place a hand on my shoulder but I jerk away, moving to sit on the edge of the bathtub. “Y/N...”

“Just go,” I say through the tears.

“We can talk more about this later-”

"Just go,” I say louder.

Harry’s phone rings again from the bedroom and he sighs. But he leaves me, crying on the bathroom floor. The sadness that was always in my peripheral consumes me. I’d carried this sadness for a long time--ever since I found out my mum was sick, the sadness plagued me. I’d neatly packed it up once I decided to move forward with my life like my mum would want me to, but now it comes back tenfold, marrying the grief of losing Harry like this. And I stay on the floor crying my grief away for hours, eventually crawling into bed and sleeping the daylight away.

When I wake, it’s 6 and Harry isn’t home. I take that as a sign and get up to pack up a few things. I call my sister who still lived in London then, and crash on her couch, staying there for a few weeks and ignoring any call or text from Harry. When I need to go back, for my things, I find him sleeping on the couch with the TV on, something I always found endearing. But I can’t afford to dwell on how much it hurt seeing him like that.

He must have woken from the noise because when he finds me, he tries to stop me and tell me that we still needed to talk.

“About what?” I ask, just tired now. Too many tears shed and too many hours laying awake thinking about the exact moment we went wrong.

“Us,” Harry looked tired too. He was probably throwing himself into his work with nothing like me to hold him back, I think bitterly. His girlfriend had probably already been to our house--his house.

“What about us?” I barely look at him as I begin folding away all my clothes.

“I don’t know,” Harry sits on the bed. “Don’t you want to talk?”

��I’ve got nothing to say, do you?”

Harry sighs, “I don’t know.”

“Nice talk then,” I say, shoving the rest of my things in just so I could get out.

“I just want you to know I care about you Y/N, I don’t want to hurt you.” He says as I pack.

“It doesn’t matter anymore. If you cared about me, and you didn’t want to hurt me you wouldn’t have done this to us.”

“I wasn’t trying to--I didn’t mean to go and fall for someone else-”

“Just stop,” I cut him off. I couldn’t hear it, how the man I loved fell for someone else. I couldn’t break down here. Again.

He said he cared but it didn’t feel that way. It hurt more than I wished to admit. He knew what I’d been through and he still betrayed me, tossed my heart like it was replaceable. The cut he left in me ran deep.

As I leave he tries to talk to me, but I barrel past him. He still reaches for me and pulls me into a hug, I struggle against him but he’s too strong. He wraps me in his arms until I go still but it’s too much. A sob escapes me, and this time he lets me push him off and leave, my bag banging into my hips every time I take a step. As soon as I got into my Uber, I can’t stop crying. There was an infinite pool of tears where Harry was involved.

3 years ago:

My trust and my heart had been been lost in the war between Harry and I. It only took him a month to mail my divorce papers which sat collecting dust on my dining table until he showed up at work one day and demanded I sign them by the end of that week. I’d taken the day off the day I mailed those in, mourning the end of something that was once so safe and beautiful.

When a close friend calls me on a warm July afternoon, I don’t consider her warning that I shouldn’t check Instagram. That I still had Harry’s friends on my list. I open Instagram before she can tell me why, and see it. Harry was getting married, again. To the woman he gave up on us for. I try to zoom in on a picture without liking it, she was pretty...and blonde. She looked familiar--probably from his office. It didn’t take him long.

It was like someone had taken a retractor to the wound I thought had finally scabbed over. The physical proof that Harry had moved on is just the salt on the wound.

I cry myself to sleep that night.

2 Years ago;

The guy in front of me drones on about his job, mansplaining to me how a mortgage worked as if I wasn’t in finance myself. I excuse myself to use the restroom, checking my phone to see a text from my sister. She’d moved to Scotland this year, to where her husband was from, and I’d missed her terribly in the last year.

A little birdie told me your demon-ex just got divorced 🥂

I stare at the screen, chest feeling tight. I felt vindicated somehow, but I also felt a small bit of sadness. What a fuck-up.

Good for him I had texted back. A part of me wanted him to hurt the way he hurt me.

I went back to my date with a renewed enthusiasm. I’d ordered more wine and got so drunk he was actually interesting enough to take home.

About 1 year ago

“Y/N,” a voice from my past says, one that haunted me some nights. I turn as I exit the shop I was just in. I blink at the sight before me, Harry in a vest and hat. He realises what I’m staring at and laughs awkwardly. “I’m in uniform.”

“You’re...police?” I look up to his face finally. He hadn’t aged a day, although the hat he wears makes him look a little silly.

“Yeah I joined the force uhm...almost 4 years ago now...law didn’t really suit me.”

I know what he was doing, trying to find a baseline to have a conversation. But he was dead to me, and I didn’t want to invite him back in when I was finally forgetting about him.

"Seems like you dropped a lot of dead-weight four years ago.”

I watch his face fall as he realises I wasn’t going to pretend to be friendly.

“Seems that way to you,” he says cautiously. “But that’s not how it happened.”

I shrug. “So. I heard about the divorce. Must’ve been hard being put through that.”

I knew I was being petty, obviously I never got the closure I want (according to my therapist) and I wasn’t over him hurting me the way he did (also according to my therapist). This was how I got my peace, and it wasn’t the best version of me but it was the only one I knew how to be right now.

“Yep,” he crosses his arms over his chest. “So, are you seeing anyone?”

He knew I wasn’t, I don’t know how but the way he stoops to my level I know he knows I hadn’t had a long term relationship since him.

“Not at the moment,” I say awkwardly. “Just focusing on my job...trying to get this promotion.”

“Sorry,” he seems to shake off whatever had come over him. “That was...nosy, I shouldn’t have asked.”

Having him be the bigger person sets something off in me, like there was an anger-bomb inside my mind where he lived and knowing that he was doing okay enough to be able to be the bigger person disrupts this calm I was trying to keep.

“Maybe you shoudn’t have stopped me to ask anything at all. We don’t have anything to talk about anyway.”

I turn around and start to walk away but he catches up, “I wasn’t trying to upset you-”

“Well you have a way of doing that. Please just leave me alone Harry.”

He huffs beside me, “After all this time, can’t we just bloody talk like two adults?”

I freeze and turn to him slowly. He seems to sense this was the wrong thing to say because he takes a step back. “After all this time? Are you serious? I was the one you left behind Harry when you went off to lives your best lift Harry. We’re not living the same life, and we’re not coming from the same bloody place. Don’t fucking patronize me and ask me to talk to you like an adult when you bring out the worst part of me. I meant what I said: I want you to leave me alone. And you know what, if we ever run into each other again, just don’t even talk to me. Pretend you don’t know me. I want nothing to do with you.”

He opens his mouth but his partner calls him from the shop’s entrance. He stays silent, letting me go. As soon as I turn the street corner I rush the rest of the way to the tube, collapsing into a seat and trying to sort out my breathing. It was a shitty feeling, knowing someone was going to be in your life forever because you shared so much history that even when that part of your life ended they were still there. There was so much apart of me, around me, that reminded me of him. And it felt so lonely carrying that around. I wanted to be done with him, I wanted my heart to purge him out. But it couldn’t stop carrying him around everywhere I go.

[mithrilhearts]

for the wip ask game: 4, 9 and 17 -signed a struggling writer

HELLO FELLOW struggling WRITER. These are insanely good questions and I'm VERY happy to answer them. They make me *think* which is nice for a change lololol.

4. what’s a wip that’s fairly easy for you to get back into writing? why?

I don't think any of my WIPs are necessarily "difficult" to get back into writing, but I do have to be in the proper mood to tackle certain scenes or moods within a story.

If I had to pick one though for the moment right NOW (and forever?), it would probably be May Your Forge Burn Bright. That's my original brain baby, the first big Razzy fic, AND I have just finished solidifying the ending. While I still have a small ways to go to get there, this is the one fic where I can instantly get motivated with a simple sentence, song, or picture.

9. what are you struggling with the most in finishing your current wip(s)?

Currently, I'm working on my vampire AU Where The Shadows Lie, and I actually just had this kind of discussion with SunnyRose, I was struggling pretty hard with a scene between Dis and Bilbo, ensuring that the dialogue and the scene itself was flowing and not disjointed. I think I have that hurdle down, but now I'm moving on to the next one.

The tone of this chapter shifts like whiplash, and sometimes that's hard for my head to grasp. If I've written this somewhat somber or moody piece and have to flip right back to something lighthearted and cracky, I usually struggle with transitioning my mindset to start. It's like I have to do a hard reset on my brain and look at it is as a completely separate piece.

Wish me luck on this next section of comedic relief!

17. what do you do to motivate yourself to write?

THIS QUESTION!!! I have a slew of things I do to help motivate myself, but also just things to keep in mind as well.

Get yourself an enabler (or enablers). Someone to hype you up. I have a few of these that I am very grateful for, so whenever I'm in a slump or not feeling it, just talking a little fic/plot with them can send my motivation to the moon.

Find the right mood for what you're wanting to write. I generally try not to write anything (even angsty) when I'm pissed off or generally feeling TERRIBLE. Some days I'm feeling more angsty than others, which I can use to my advantage, and other days I just wanna write the fluffiest fluff you've ever seen. I let my mood tell me what I want to write.

Music is often my best friend. There is a reason I make specific playlists for specific fics, they help get me in the mood and get me thinking about the plots. Doing that makes me motivated to continue the story so I can get to X scene or flesh out X idea.

Other forms of media - movies, artwork, games, also help bolster my desire to write. Not necessarily MOTIVATE me, but it does help when I'm feeling particularly BLAH about wanting to type anything.

I think of all of the nice comments I've received from each fic. To see how excited or eager people are to see what happens next, that's a huge motivator. Sometimes I'll read through the fic comments/tags just for a little dose of serotonin and it's off to the wordy races I go.

BE KIND TO YOURSELF. This is one I struggle with a lot because I'm often in the headspace of "is this good enough?" and I'm a huge stat watcher (bad Razzy!) trust me, the works are good enough. Though that mindset is easier said than done. Celebrate your accomplishments, writing is not an easy thing regardless of how experienced one might be. Just remember that you have your own style, your own fans, and what you're doing is for fun. If something isn't fun, don't force yourself which leads to my next bullet.

I try to remember that I write for myself. Don't force it if you're not motivated or in the mood. Sometimes I try to hurdle myself past the "unmotivated" stage, and the pieces don't turn out well - they get scrapped and I just put it on the back burner until later.

I want to finish a big fic. That is my big goal for 2022 and is a huge motivator. I want to be able to pat myself on the back for a job well done. To bring a story full circle and finally call it complete.

The struggle is always going to be there in some fashion, but I'm telling you, the first bullet is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me. I wouldn't be writing without those enablers. Someone to share your excitement with, it just gives me that instant mood of "I want to write this and then show them!!"

If ever you need an ear (or rather, eyes), my ask box or DMs are always open, we writers gotta support one another, just as the readers are happy to support us as well!

-> WIP ask game

[lattewithatwistoflemon]

Gundam Wing Essay

January 25, 2021

Gundam Wing has this powerful nostalgia for me, even though I didn’t actually watch the show when it came on television when I was little. I just shrugged it off and said I didn’t like Gundams. Yet I’m finding myself drawn to these characters and wondering if, in some subconscious way, this show influenced who I’ve become. From my love of damaged, traumatized bishounen to my inclination to dress exactly like Relena, despite never consciously thinking about her in all these years... I feel like maybe aspects of this anime molded me into who I am today. 

Every time I heard one of my favorite songs, “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None The Richer, there was a couple there in my head, and I couldn’t pinpoint who they were... But after looking at the Gundam manga issue I got when I was 7, where Heero and Relena are in a romantic garden together, and seeing the ending sequence of the anime, where Relena stands in a field wearing that dress and that hat, I can’t help but think “it’s them”. It’s been Heero and Relena in my head all along, as this idealized fairy tale couple, every time I heard that song. Thinking back on my childhood impression of them, I realized I always imagined them as being like Romeo and Juliet, talking to each other over a balcony, over a courtyard garden, in a star-crossed, Shakespearean romance. In my head, they were always so deeply in love. Perhaps they were a symbol of romance itself. I don’t remember if I had seen a specific scene in the anime as a child that made me see them as a couple, or if my memory is just based on that one chapter of the Ground Zero manga, but either way, they were imprinted on my mind as the most quintessential, devoted lovers. She was a fairy tale princess, and he was the gallant knight who would come rescue her. 

Zechs feels like an ideal fairy tale prince... the kind that will kiss my hand, give me roses, and carry me bridal style through a beautiful European garden, to a sweet little white outdoor table, where we drink tea out of fine China teacups, while the sun shines brightly, and the leaves of the trees around us cast shadows upon us that sway with the breeze. Yet Zechs also possesses that same dark, seductive quality of the Phantom of the Opera, whispering in my ear with that voice that’s both sinister and incredibly romantic at the same time, as if luring me into his embrace. Zechs has this beautiful duality to him. He goes down a dark path on multiple occasions, but even so, he feels terrible guilt for what he does. Because of this, he still comes across as honorable and chivalrous to me. Other anime characters that I’ve seen since then have had a similar feel, such as Yue from Cardcaptor Sakura and Griffith from Berserk. I’ve even created original characters for my own stories who are long haired, princely men with ambiguous morals, who I now wonder if they were subconsciously inspired by this one, long-forgotten figure that I had briefly seen as a 7-year-old. I tended to like blonde characters when I was little, and like most little girls, I loved the idea of a perfect, gentlemanly prince charming. I’m genuinely surprised that I didn’t remember him from when I was a child. Perhaps if I had seen those gentle blue eyes beneath the mask, I would’ve fallen in love.

Duo has a much different quality from Zechs. He feels familiar in a way that’s hard to pinpoint. He’s brash, energetic, and laid-back at the same time. He has this friendly, approachable quality to him that the other characters don’t possess. It feels like I can actually get close to him, while all the others feel like they’d push me away. I’ve realized Duo reminds me of various other characters, most of which are from video games, such as Sonic, Dante, and most importantly… Link. Link was my very first crush. My attachment to Link stemmed from the Ocarina of Time game. It wasn’t until many years later that I watched the animated Zelda series, in which Link is very much like Duo. I never thought of myself as being particularly attracted to that version of Link, yet now, when seeing an actual anime character who resembles him in appearance and personality, I find myself incredibly drawn to him. I can’t say for sure whether my attraction to Duo is due to his similarity to Link or to any other character or if it’s simply because of how warm and approachable he feels compared to the other gundam pilots. I remember that Duo’s design always stuck out to me the most, as the cute one with the braid.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been interested in angry, angsty characters who have traumatic backstories. For the longest time, I was under the assumption that Heero would be a basic, friendly protagonist. So when I finally started watching this show 20 years later, I was surprised by him being the type of angst-ridden anti-hero that I love nowadays. When I was 13, I discovered Saiyuki, and instantly obsessed over Genjo Sanzo, who’s exactly like Heero in that sense. His past trauma turned him into a cold, ruthless killer, who, despite his self-loathing, came to the decision that he must continue killing in order to live. While watching Gundam Wing, I saw these same qualities in Heero. Whatever he’s experienced before the start of the anime must have damaged him so badly that he’s become this cold-blooded killer. Judging from how quick he is to throw away his life for his mission, I conclude that he despises himself for all the people he’s killed. Just like Sanzo, he pushes aside that self-loathing to live on and continues fighting for what he believes is right. In addition to Sanzo, another character that I love with a similar personality type is Kai from Beyblade. Although his circumstances aren’t as extreme as Heero’s and Sanzo’s, since he hasn’t killed anyone, he also has a chip on his shoulder from his past trauma that causes him to be cold and put up a wall between himself and the people around him. Out of the characters that I know of who have this personality type, Heero would have been the first one I had seen. Even though I don’t remember knowing that Heero was like this, since I had assumed he was completely different all along, part of me gets this feeling of “what if he was the start of this? What if he’s the reason I love this type of character?” I wonder if it’s possible for him to have influenced my inclination towards these characters without me having any memory of it.

Adding to this topic of traumatized characters, Trowa also fits the bill. His trauma isn’t portrayed as anger against the world, as with the characters listed above. Instead, he’s often depicted as depressed and sometimes frightened, in a way that makes Catherine and myself feel pity for him. When he loses his memory and holds himself, shivering, that is a perfect illustration of the type of characters that I like, due to their vulnerability and need for protection. My very first favorite anime character was Hotaru from Sailor Moon, who very frequently displayed these same actions, which made me instantly love her. Also, Trowa reminds me a lot of Hakkai from Saiyuki.

Both Heero and Trowa are suicidal. Trowa had one or two moments highlighting this, but Heero has had at least 5 instances where it looked to me like he was trying to kill himself. He would often do something incredibly dangerous, without any regard to his own life. In one instance, he very nearly blew himself up, which resulted in him being bed-ridden and covered in bandages. I’ve always had a strong interest in suicidal and self-loathing characters like this. Whether this is from some sort of motherly instinct that makes me want to protect them or some sort of sadistic interest that I have with fictional characters, I’m not entirely sure. But either way, these two Gundam Wing characters stuck out to me very strongly due to their trauma and suicidal intent. Since Heero had always given me the impression of being the epitome of a shounen hero, him being suicidal struck me especially hard, and this just made me like him all the more. Even when I watch more lighthearted shows, I like to headcanon these kinds of things. For instance, I headcanon multiple Beyblade characters to be abused, suicidal child soldiers, so it was interesting to see that these things were canon in Gundam Wing. It’s rare for me to find an anime that focuses on traumatized bishounen characters similar to Saiyuki, so when I realized Gundam Wing was like this, I felt like it was written for me. I’ve come to call this the “pretty boys in need” genre.

Another reason this anime speaks to me is that, whenever I see Relena, I feel like I’m looking at myself as an anime character. Over the years, from high school to college especially, I’d developed my own fashion sense and aesthetic. This consisted of me wanting to wear ruffled blouses and long skirts. I loved feeling like a proper Victorian lady. I wore puffy sleeves, bows, and frills. My favorite colors to wear, which people have said look the best on me, were shades of red, pink, or maroon. I’d also wear a lot of white. My favorite hairstyle has always been straight cut bangs with my hair partly tied back, just like Relena’s. The hairstyle was consciously inspired by Gabrielle from Xena Warrior Princess, but I can’t help but wonder if Relena had some subconscious influence on it as well. My hair is naturally brown, but I was born blonde, and I often bleach my hair, so it’s usually somewhere close to her dark blond/light brown hair. My eyes are also dark teal, like Relena’s. Although I’ve lately been working a lot and hardly have the chance to dress up, I still see this Victorian princess image as my ideal appearance, which makes Relena feel like an idealized anime version of myself. I feel like I’ve grown to become her. Although, this comparison is almost strictly appearance-based. Some people say I’m serious, but in general, I don’t feel like I’m nearly as serious as she is. My life revolves around anime (certainly not politics), and I’m known to be very giggly. Although Relena and I do share an interest in angsty bad boys. I can’t help but wonder if maybe, somewhere deep down in my subconscious, I always wanted to be like her?

Lastly, the entire aesthetic and feel of this show feels incredibly nostalgic to me. There’s a scene in the second opening, where Heero suddenly looks up at the camera in a way that makes my heart skip a beat. I’ve been having trouble figuring out exactly what the feeling is that this evokes for me. I’ll say it’s a mix of sweet nostalgia and perhaps guilt. The characters’ faces and art style are so incredibly familiar to me. I’ve known of them since I was 7, but I never gave the show a chance by trying to watch it. I told myself I didn’t like it, after seeing a couple minutes, because I very quickly came to the conclusion that I didn’t like mecha anime. I was only 7, yet this opinion stuck with me for 20 years, without me ever trying to change it. Over the years, I had almost completely forgotten about Gundam Wing. I shunned the show. Perhaps I shunned Heero most of all, with my assumption that he’s a normal, cliche shounen protagonist. So when he looks directly at the screen like that, while I’m captivated by the familiar beauty of the art style, I also feel a pang of guilt for neglecting him all these years. 

I think the best way for me to conclude what it is about this series that makes me feel so strongly is that this space opera genre possesses the feeling of an Arthurian romance or a Shakespearean tragedy. While watching this show, my mind isn’t focused on the battles or the gundams. What draws me to this show are the characters’ relationships, emotional trauma, and the visual allusions to times long ago. Because of this, the small, barely remembered bits that I had seen as a small child had left such a big impact on me that, now, when I watch it for the first time, it feels like it’s been living inside my soul all along. When I watch this anime, I get this feeling that I can’t believe I’m actually watching it. As something from a bygone era that I had quickly discarded and never thought I would ever get back, it feels like some sort of miracle, as if I had gone back in time to watch this long-forgotten relic of my past.

Leah Marie

[elysianslove]

Do you have any OCs sal? If so, I'm super curious about them! (Most of my OCs are either angsty or super cute! With dashes of angst... Must be since most are in the DC universe lol)

yeah i do have a bunch of oc’s actually, and they’re all in the dc universe. but omg are you actually curious about them?? 🥺 i’ll put this under the cut so i don’t annoy anyone but i’ll give you the ones that i remember the most clearly. 

one of my favorite oc’s was actually in an atla fic, a zuko one more specifically. her name was sya, and she was a kyoshi warrior. it was set when zuko had already become firelord, and it’s so upsetting i never got to explore her personality a bit more cause around publishing chapter 4 i think, issues happened with wattpad and i took down my stories, and then i came onto here and never went back to my stories again. 

the concept was so nice too and i was so excited to write it. like she was a kyoshi warrior personally assigned in protecting the firelord and just <333 forbidden romance with zuko <333 a love affair with the firelord <333

lowkey wanna go back to it cause wait 🤔

anyways

i also had dhalia amari, for my jason todd fic. this concept was so, so, so good i can’t believe i just let it die :(

basically, dhalia knew jason before he’d died, and he was her first kiss, when she asked him to be. he’d given her this locket, and then like a week later he died. she tweets one day “thinking about how i had my first kiss w this boy then he allegedly died a week later” and jason sees it and his brain goes ??? and then he hits her up and all and i had this scene planned out, where he’d go over to her home at some point and he’d see the locket and he’d have this dissociating moment like what the Fuck 

pain. i miss it. 

TW, mention of drug abuse

i had elara wayne, from my wally west story. she’s not biologically bruce’s; she was adopted as an orphan much like the rest of them, and she’s two years younger than dick grayson if i remember correctly, and two years older than jason todd. i love her so much, honestly, and i miss writing her. she had supernatural abilities too, which she’d been given from a nearby cosmic explosion. basically, the explosion altered some nerves in her body and in her brain, giving her specific powers. she’s capable of mind control essentially, as in either forcing one to see whatever she wants them to and/or controlling their body. she also had an additional feature of, upon touching an object or a person, she visits the past or the present of that. it’s not controlled though. like once, she touched jason, and saw his future, his death, but she also touched this broken toy and was able to see that the woman who had bought it had a miscarriage. 

she goes through so much in my story though. like, way too much i’m so sorry elara. because her abilities are nine times out of ten out of her control, she really dislikes them. she used them this one time out on the field and ended up nearly killing a lot of people because of the energy manifestation around her, and when she woke up the next day her veins were a bright, bright, gold. to get rid of this, she turned to drugs, because they nullified everything. and there are so many angst scenes with dick finding out, and jason helping her when she has a relapse and it’s just,,, the poor girl. 

there wasn’t a big age gap between her and wally, around four years i think, but she was freshly eighteen when she made the first move on him and he was like absolutely not that’s so sus, and he wouldn’t lead her on or encourage her cause it felt so wrong to him, even if she was an adult and they had this huge fight, but then around a year later when she’s in uni and nineteen, or twenty i can’t remember, they make up and kiss and all :’) 

TW, mention of death

i also had delilah avila, and this one hurts. she was the oc in my damian wayne fic. she’s his number neighbor, and he finds out she lives in blüdhaven, moving to gotham after the summer. i also made her half arab because i remember her face claim being half arab, and it was a nice addition cause damian’s half arab too. 

this one hurts real bad cause they fall in love and it’s so cute, so lovely. and then he invites her to a wayne gala, and she’s so excited to go, but he has a bad feeling but because he doesn’t wanna ruin it for her, he just lets it happen. and then mid dance, she gets shot, because she’d been in the way to get at damian. 

and then she dies lol. she doesn’t come back either </3 

also, i had june armstrong. she’s a friend of duke thomas, living in the uk and going to uni with him there, and through him she meets tim drake, who’s the love interest. i remember this book being long as hell because at first, she started dating duke, and tim was also dating stephanie brown, and then shit happens and they eventually fall in love.

this one had a happy ending, because man it was really messy in between. but it’s the funniest book i’ve written, it was just so lighthearted. 

the number neighbor one, the jason one and the tim one were smau’s actually :)