#this blog is mentally ill do you need a hug friend

[swimminginyokohamasrivers]

I KNOW!!!

but u so are a fruitcake

Am not!!

[elytrafemme]

every single fictional character i like should split and have mood swings like me. "ohhhhh but it's not canotical" "ohh they have good control over their emotions and stable views on the world" i don't fucking care. i see cq in his fake desert i see klavier's control dialogue i see dahlia and her serial murders and komaeda and the gun literally fuck with me right now. we need to stop being cowards about our fictional character headcanons i think everyone should kill people always because i can't

[unrestrained-balderdash-art-blog]

Going on a Riddler fanart break

I'm having a break from posting Riddler fanart to Tumblr. The backlog will still be posted on Cara and Instagram (both @ tbalderdash), and if the break is long enough for it to catch up I will post things made during the break on there before Tumblr. I will still be posting bird art here. I will still post fanart for other fandoms here if I make any (I am currently undecided about non-Riddler DC). The break will be for at least a month. I will probably come back when the OCD medication has kicked in for a bit. Thank you for all of the support on the last post. I don't want to take a break, but I have to for my mental health.

"Organised" ramble about reasoning (this is heavily influenced by neurodivergence/mental illness and I am not trying to sound like an entitled/ungrateful twat. I don't want to guilt trip anyone, please don't feel guilty):

The Timezone Curse: Tumblr has a reverse-chronological dashboard. I am British. I live earlier than the majority of the userbase. I have no idea what time to post things so they don't get buried. Recently I've tried to stop waiting for the exact right minute to post things, as it doesn't stop them from flopping.

Likes vs Reblogs, (and OCD?): I will preface this and say: a lot of this is my brain's fault. Since Likes don't do anything to spread things, my brain gets upset when things keep getting Liked without Reblogged. Unless it is from a bird fan on the fanart, better artist, or irl friend, Likes mean nothing to me. I know this is silly and irrational, but I can't help it and this is the main reason why my brain is suffering posting fanart. I hope medication will fix my feelings. Additionally, OCD brain keeps trying to find a reason: Am I dislikable? Is my art bad? Does it have no appeal? Is it aphobia? Did I do something cancellable without knowing and now everyone hates me? I (think I) know the answer is people just don't use this website that way, but my brain is never sure. This is why I don't have the problem on the other websites, every like helps the algorithm and actually means something in my brain

The combination of the Timezone Curse and lack of reblogs means my art often gets barely any reach (or reach my brain deems meaningful). I desperately want to feel like part of the Riddler fandom community. Unfortunately, due to Tumblr making me suffer (overwhelmed by compulsive need to scroll entire dash, repulsed aroace, and simple posts being able to make me ruminate unpleasantly for a long time) I find it very hard to follow new blogs or connect with people on this site. I love birds, but I need Riddler interaction. I can't look at much fandom on other sites, as they have barely any/no tag filtering, which means I will suffer if I look for him.

Why it's just fanart and not birds affected by this: I started off as a fanartist with no expectation to get big with birds, so I had a que sera sera attitude and I post them whenever they're ready, I didn't expect to get big. I am more fulfilled when it comes to the bird interest (more community interaction + every day can have different birds out there + people in my real life are interested in birds). Additionally, the bird art spreads a lot more (due to bird blogs reblogging). Bird art is my "job" art (it is where I plan to make money from) whereas Riddler is where my passion lies the most (I still love the birds but I have many other ways of interacting with them without needing art). This means I get more emotionally invested in the Riddler art than the bird art

Is art becoming a compulsion? This applies to the birds as well, but since they're "job art" it doesn't matter too much. I keep being worried about not posting enough Riddler art, and feelings of social media sometimes overshadow the joy of creating - I keep thinking about posting, rather than doing. I get too anxious to make art that is "unpostable" (eg: self-insert and him hugging), especially due to the fact I'm trying to get more professional. I feel like there's more I want to expand on this but it's been too long and I'm tired. This break might help me do more high-quality art instead of having to churn it out out of fear of everyone forgetting me.

Sorry for all the text. I don't know if I've explained everything very well but it's been an hour and usually if I post something after 8 it fails, which I don't usually want to worry about but it's a bit important for an announcement like this

[imaginethatneathuh]

Chato Santana/El Diablo with a mentally ill reader - Suicide Squad (2016)

From this request sent to my other blog:

Headcannons for Chato Santana/El Diablo with a reader who struggles with mental health.

TW/CW: Mental health related.

I went with depression because the anon didn't specify what kind of mental health issues.

Word count: 408

•

Chato notices your pain early on but lets you come to him about whatever is going on. He doesn’t want to overstep.

If you don’t come to him, eventually, he will confront you about it out of worry for your well-being and safety.

If your lovers, family, or even friends, Chato cares about you.

He’s lost enough people he cares about. There’s no way he’s losing you, too.

He lost his family because of his actions and inability to control himself. He doesn’t want to lose you because he was too scared to act.

If you do end up coming to him about it, Chato will be relieved and welcome you with open arms.

One way or another, he will get you to open up to him.

He will watch and listen quietly as you share whatever is going on.

If you aren’t super close, he will maintain some physical distance both for your own safety, and Chato not wanting to cross any boundaries.

If you are close, he will have a hand on you somehow, to reassure you that he’s there.

Chato is gentle with you.

If you end up crying or just wanting to be held, he will happily hold you close, keeping you warm while he whispers words of reassurance to you. His hand will rub your back, and his chin will rest on the top of your head.

If you want silence, he will give you that, too.

Chato has had his own struggles with mental illness, mostly brought on by his abilities as well as how he grew up and that environment.

He’ll do his best to relate to you and your struggles by talking about his to show you that you aren’t alone and that he loves you.

Even if his struggles were more related to his anger than anything.

His touch will be gentle but firm, a reminder that he’s there and he isn’t leaving you to fight this alone.

He will give you time or space or really, whatever you need.

If you want kisses? You get kisses.

Hugs? As many as you want.

Same with cuddles.

You don’t want him to touch you at all, he’s okay with that.

If you have a hard time speaking up about your wants and needs, Chato will be loud enough for the both of you.

He just wants you to be happy.

He will always be there for you, no matter what.

[thethinkingaurora]

Sup, the name’s Aurora

I have no idea what I’m doing with this post so expect it to change

Chapter 1: Who’s this bitch

Hi I’m Aurora, welcome to my little corner over here, I’m many things but I’ll separate them out a bit

I’m autistic (self diagnosed, unable to get a proper one currently), I have ADHD (again self diagnosed, same reason), most likely mentally ill, (and according to my chosen family depressed and very burnt out)

I’m on the aroace spectrum and I’m trans (I’ll get to that in a second)

I am Girlflux(I have no idea how to phrase it), my pronouns are she/they

DMs are almost always open especially to mutuals(Friend! Hug!)

I’m a minor

And I think that’s everything for my core identity, right, onto some other things like my interests and projects (I think I’ll start with interests)

Chapter 2: And what does she like

D&D

Space

Puzzles/Ciphers

Writing

Mythology

Sailing is a fucking vibe and I love it so much

House

(More will probably be added)

Chapter 3:What does she do

Ok I’m not exactly sure how to structure this properly but here goes nothing

The Observance

The Observance is like a puzzle game/ARG (Alternate Reality Game) that I made

I spent maybe 60+ hours working on it, whether that be recording videos, travelling to set up irl caches, coding webpages, coming up with a story line, creating characters and twists for the story, thinking of puzzles/ciphers/riddles, creating maths questions, creating new encoding methods or finding uncommon ones, needless to say I put a lot of effort into it and I’m quite proud of it

It does need polishing, proper implementation (some puzzles could only be solved by my family because it used languages or reference that only they would get) and to be actually finished, like the beginning just looks like a game start screen which is not how ARGs are supposed to work (last I checked anyways)

I’ll probably release it when I’m finished and I’ll put a link here [|•|]

That’s The Observance anyways

<insert other project here>

I can’t actually think of any other projects that would make sense to put here, like there is my D&D campaign which I mean I’ll probably put here when I’ve run it, and that’s about it for what I’m working on currently

Chapter 4: Posts go brrrrrr

Neurodivergence and Queerness

Basic Tasks that you might not have been taught to do, it’s ok it’s not your fault

Ciphers are fun

Chapter 5: Sideblogs

I run several sideblogs, I won’t mention some of them because reasons

@notifying-the-dumbass (Gimmick Blog)

@thecraftingaurora (Crafting/Making Blog)

@thewritingaurora (Writing Blog)

Chapter 6: Bye bye

So yeah that it, if there is anything else I should put here(that is not sensitive personal information) please just yell at me (idk how, dm me, reblog it, mention me / @ me, send in an ask, I don’t really care how you do it)

Remember this post is likely to change and be updated

Bye then, I can’t wait to see you around

Safe travels

Last Updated GMT: 21:13, 18/06/24

[barebcnes]

Character Sheet

basics.

full name. Leonard Horatio McCoy nicknames / aliases. 'Bones' (given to him by Jim Kirk) age. 36 zodiac. Aquarius spoken languages. English, German

physical characteristics.

hair colour. Brown eye colour. Hazel (shifting from dark green to brown, depending on the surrounding light) skin tone. Fair body type. Fit dominant hand. Right posture. Normal / Good scars. One on his lower abdomen, on the right side, beneath his navel - a remnant of an appendix removal with complications in his late childhood (about 2 inches long, pale pink), as well as a few minor ones here and there from every day life tattoos. None birthmarks. A few birthmarks and moles scattered all over his body, mostly shoulders, upper arms and back, but some are also on his stomach and thighs most noticeable features. The light sprinkle of freckles along his cheeks and the bridge of his nose, his nose by itself (pointy tip), the shape of lips, his big expressive eyes

childhood.

place of birth. Earth; Georgia, USA siblings. Two older sisters, both alive parents. Father, deceased (american), mother, alive (german)

adult life.

occupation. Chief Medical Officer on board of the USS Enterprise residence(s). Either the USS Enterprise or a small apartment in California, USA, where he sleeps and lives whenever he's not out in space close friends. Jim Kirk (best friend), Spock (good friend... most of the time), Enterprise Bridge Crew as a whole (friends), other members of the USS Enterprise are mostly considered colleagues / acquaintances | Thread-dependent (@paramounticebound - they work on it :D) relationship status. Single (Thread-dependent | @paramounticebound - things are being worked on... ;) ) financial status. He can live a comfortable life driver’s license. Yes criminal record. No (he stole a chocolate bar as a kid, however, and the memory sometimes haunts him to this day) vices. He drinks too much alcohol (Bourbon mostly)

sex & romance.

sexual orientation. Pansexual (because of his nasty divorce with his ex-wife, though, while still flirting with women (sometimes and rather rarely), he does not actively search for a relationship with one at this point) preferred sexual role. Switch, he's easy-going and likes to be everywhere basically libido. Normal (single), high to very high (relationship) turn-ons. Kissing & making out in general, dirty-talk, being cheeky & flirty, neck touches & neck kisses (especially the back and side of his neck), kissing the space between his shoulder blades, cuddling, physical closeness, mental closeness turn-offs. Blood & Gore (sees too much of that as a doctor), bad hygiene, general bad behavior & being rude love language. Calling his partner by chosen nicknames (lots of those), being cheeky in general & teasing his partner from time to time (playfully so), touching his partner (like putting his hand on the small of their back, on their upper arm etc), acts of service (making coffee or breakfast, helping out when needed etc), sex (important), kissing, hugging & cuddling relationship tendencies. A bit of a rough outer shell but biiiig emotional softie on the inside. Enjoys romantic movies but wouldn't admit, ever. Will shower his loved one with affection (in private).

miscellaneous.

hobbies to pass time. Reading (he loves old-fashioned books, prefers them over reading on a tablet / padd), listening to music (it relaxes him), playing puzzle games on his padd (to pass short amounts of time), cooking (rarely, but he enjoys it) mental illnesses. High-functioning depression, anxiety, alcohol-use disorder self-confidence level. Normal

Stolen from: My other blog Tagging: No one because I guess everyone has already done it? :'D If you see this and you want to do it: YOU.

[grimaldiapologist]

On deprivation

Our partner system's just left for home again this morning, having lived with us for a month. This is the third time of its kind, with the goal of permanently moving in together in the near future. That's not the point of why I'm writing, but it's context to why, and why now.

We - the I of this blog - are absolutely, undeniably, chronically deprived of closeness, human contact, and physical affection. It's a slow-brewing realisation that has started becoming apparent the past few years, popping up severely around Christmas time in particular due to the circumstances present, but also, painfully, at random throughout the year outside of that.

I have no evidence or reason to believe we were deprived of physical affection in our early childhood. Memories of crawling on the laps of our caretakers, receiving hugs and kisses, hair petting, is relatively abundant even in the absence of any real memory continuum. We've been carried around, tucked in, kissed on the forehead and the cheek, read to at bedtime, taken care of when we were ill. The issue is, we don't know or remember when this stopped, but when it did, it did so completely, and that has done damage to us that we haven't been aware of until now that it's slowly began to show itself.

We can say for absolutely certain that we did not receive much in our teens, early or otherwise. Our parents broke it off when we were 11, and after that, our life was hell, our father disappeared from it near completely, and the consequences of these things made our mother's life hell as well. Now, our mother's physical affection is unpredictable. She sometimes comes out of the left field to give us a hug - I'd say this happens once a year or two. Usually because something very difficult is happening at the time for us, and she feels the need to show physical affection to soothe us. Otherwise, we will get no physical affection from her. We've tried to ask for hugs, but they're stilted, strange, uncomfortable.

Our primary source of physical affection, for at least a decade, came from our best friend. The past few years, we've been doing mostly our own things, seeing each other rarely, chatting occasionally, but while things are cosy on that end in terms of our relationship as it is, the absence of regular human contact between us, of sleeping next to each other, of giving each other frequent hour-long massages, sitting side by side, has left us in an absolute void of physical human connection. And through that void, we've started to consciously recognise that as a need that has not been fulfilled to the point of it being, truly, traumatic; not in the here and now, acutely, but in the long term.

This shows the worst with our relatives. In the presence of our mother, worst of all our father, there is nothing we can do to stop our little parts from taking front and doing everything in their power to gain the approval - and gentleness - of the parent figures. It's the worst with our father, with whom we do not have anything even resembling an adult relationship; in his presence, our mental age downs straight into the under-10s. It is horrifying to watch, helplessly, from the side, knowing that everyone else can spot it, too. We don't see our other relatives much outside of being in their presence while he is also in their presence. Therefore, they only see us regressed. The picture they have of us is infantile. Helpless, timid, in need of guidance and parenting.

The first realisation of how deep and traumatic that lack of affection has been was when, two years ago, our father loudly announced at Christmas that he will no longer be hugging people for the event. We forgot this near instantly, as one thing you learn in the presence of our father is to not pay much mind to whatever he's loudly announcing at the time, and tried to hug him as goodbyes regardless. We were met with a horribly clumsy, awkward, distanced, forced reciprocation, with a mutter of, "I can let it go this once only." Clearly since it had already happened. Not out of free will.

This continued bothering us afterwards. With introspection to it, we came to realise the larger extent of our regression in his presence; whenever we're with him, we go back to being a child, no question about it. Once, we had a family event of going to pick mushrooms in the woods. My sister, niece, niece's friend, sister's sister, her son, my father, me. I toddled behind my father trying to appease and keep up chatter. Trying to learn, feeling awfully clumsy when I didn't know how to walk the forest like he did, what mushrooms to pick. Constantly chatting about nothing, trying to keep the conversation going. Voice light, intonations off the charts.

It's come to something of a head the past month with our partners here. The sheer bottomless hunger like starvation that lights up with every interaction. The absolute awareness of how we need to be giving in return, all of the time, because succumbing to how nice it feels to be pet and loved and held is a surefire way to lose it. Be accused of being selfish, of never giving in return, we hold ourselves to always aim to give twice the amount we get, therefore digging deeper the chasm that is our need for freely given affection. Even just the depth of the craving when it's given stops us from being able to enjoy it. All we see is the impending end of it, the never enough of it.

It's been decades of never having enough, a lifetime of parents who either did not care to give or were too burnt out to do so, respectively for our father and our mother. Growing up into isolation, with little to no human contact for extended periods of time. Coming to terms with not all trauma being acute or visibly damaging, no single car crash of an impact that leaves you injured forever. More like the long-term gnawing damage of malnutrition or inability to move.

Therapy tomorrow, so I guess this is what I wanted to bring to the table for it.

[fairycosmos]

chloe!! going through a big change in my life and found myself thinking of you (as always lol). i just submitted my research capstone, finish my year of student teaching tomorrow, and graduate from my university with two majors on sunday!! i'm feeling so proud of myself and i guess i just wanted to say that i didn't think i could do it all, much less enjoy life while i did it. my personal life was miserable at times, but thinking of your posts/how much wonder and beauty and joy was still out there got me through. sending you kisses across the sea my dear!! we can do hard things and still be happy!! manifesting the same feeling of accomplishment for you too :)))) you deserve to achieve all you can dream and have that soft lovely heart of yours be cherished

cat!! i don't know if im just in an emotional mood or smth but this really made me tear up like i am really proud of you.....feels like watching an old friend thrive and succeed ❤️ and its so deserved. the world really is better bc people like you are in it. this is all such exciting and impressive news!! can not imagine the amount of mental and emotional strength you've needed to get through uni and teaching and everything else that life entails - im genuinely in awe because i know id crumble under the pressure in 3 seconds flat lmfao. im so glad you're proud of yourself because you've clearly worked so so hard and it's really showing. plz enjoy the fruits of your labour and give yourself infinite credit for getting to where you are today - it's genuinely so so wonderful. also thank u so so much for always checking in on my blog and being such a mate - im really glad i was able to help spur you on through the tough moments. sometimes i worry my blog is just a super negative space because im obviously mentally ill as fuck but i think there's definitely comfort to be found here too. im clawing my way forward one step at a time hehe :^) sending so many hugs and kisses back your way angel. please say hi if you ever need anything or just wanna chat. ILY ❤️

[fitzverse]

Sorry if this is weird, but I'm just a random person that came across your blog, and I would like to hear about your boycrush :)

HES SO AMAZING- jxjxjsa okay so over our winter break we went on a skating date, and it was super cute/fun. Because he isn’t the best at skating, but I’ve been a figure skater since I was 6. So I was basically trying to teach him how to skate. Plus it was slightly embarrassing considering his (younger) friends there, practicing for hockey, and they would constantly question us both like “are you two dating? Are you together? You guys act like your in love” and we both just couldn’t stop blushing. 

And he’s in all my classes this semester. So every class we (sometimes) walk together, and it’s really nice. All his friends tease him. And so do mine. And it’s great because he gets to sit in front of me during English class, so we both tease eachother. And we have a little game of trying to take photos of eachother secretly, so we’ll just be giggling and taking quiet pictures.

then there’s the fact I am VERY mentally ill, so I’m very bad at maintaining healthy relationships. Then most times, I have most of my friends turn on me because of my past idiotic mistakes. So that makes other people who don’t know me wary of my actions, so it made me cry when he texted me “I won’t leave you. You need someone to support you. And if your worried I’ll leave you if you ever get mad and have an episode. I can handle it.” Even saying “No matter whatever people have said about you, I don’t care. I’ve learned your a good person by talking to you myself.” Before going “Plus any drama or gossip they try to drag me into, won’t affect me.”

plus he’s told me that I’m allowed to hold his hand, and hug him if I need too. Because he knows about my BPD, anxiety, depression. And he doesn’t care about how his friends react.

then there’s the fact we call whenever we can. Like whenever he goes on a sports trip, or even when he’s just at home we end up calling for 1-3 hours. It’s super sweet, and one time we called while he was away on a sports trip with the school. So he was in his hotel room with 2 of his friends, but he still made time to call me, not caring his friends could hear us. And on those calls he lets me ramble about whatever I want (autism moment) and doesn’t judge me.

AND we have matching backgrounds. We both did the half-heart and traded our pictures. So now my lock screen is him, and his is me. It’s super sweet. 

[fandomcrysis]

Standing on the sidelines

Pairing: Fushiguro Megumi x gn! reader

Genre: Angst

Warnings: Aged up! characters, mentions of mental illness (schizophrenia), loneliness, descriptions of depression, it’s really heavy stuff, aloof bf Megumi(?), I really bent the canon on curses

Summary: You feel abandoned and unloved and get into your head again. This time however you don’t get over your negative thoughts so easily.

Word count: 2.6k

This is a repost from my old blog under the same name if you followed me on my old blog please consider following me here too <3

A/n: Hey guys, I’ve been sitting on this for weeks because honestly it hits way too close to home. Which is not surprising since I wrote this like two months ago during a mental breakdown. It’s not proofread but enjoy~ (Please don’t forget to read the a/n in the end too.)

You feel like shit. It wasn’t a new feeling, yet every time it happens it hits just as hard. Is it the anxiety or are you having a depressive episode again? You aren’t sure, but it’s crushing. You were fine, you were good, thriving even. Still every time you fall back down, the more you fly the more it hurts.

It’s been months since you last felt like this and you thought that this time it will last. You are comfortable with yourself, with the life you’re living. You have friends who love you, a boyfriend who makes you really happy. So why do you feel like this? Why are you lonely? Why do you feel like you have the right to feel lonely when people surround you?

You know the answer, but you hate to admit it. You don’t feel needed. People around you love you, but not nearly as much as you love them. You would put your hand into fire for them and they can’t even text you? You may get a reply once a day or every other day. Although you can’t blame them. They are busy, or they have much bigger problems to deal with.

If anything you are the annoying one for spamming the group chat. You know that you are dependent. Despite that you don’t know what to do, you just want some affection from people you love or at least you are comfortable with. You try to solve it in other ways, you try to make more friends, but you can never deepen your relationships enough. So you are just stuck in a cycle of wanting meaningful interactions and rarely getting them.

You just want a text asking you how you’re doing, just want to be pulled in a hug. Yet it never happens, you always have to text first, you always have to ask for any physical contact. You crave it so bad, and they know it. They should know it. All those times when you talked about being touch starved, when you shared how badly you want to go out.

They must know, they aren’t stupid. They just don’t care enough. You try to silence the negative voice in your head, you really do. ‘Megumi is just busy.’, ‘I’m sure he just wasn’t near his phone.’ or ‘Megumi isn’t that chatty anyways.’. It’s just a chemical imbalance in your brain, they love you. He loves you. You know how he is, always grumpy and brooding.

That’s why he’s so distant with you, it’s just his personality. You shouldn’t take it personally, he treats everyone like this. Why would he treat you any other way? This isn’t a romance novel. You should be happy that he is with you. You should, but you aren’t. That’s why you feel like shit. Your expectations are too high. You aren’t enough, you are just a supporting character, you aren’t part of the main cast. It’s probably better this way. Look at your story, it’s not a happy one, just a constant struggle.

You wonder, how long would it take them to notice if you disappeared. A week? Two? Would they care? Would he care? Probably, they would be concerned, they would be sad, but they would move on eventually. Would you drift apart if you stopped putting in the effort? It happened before, and you are so afraid of it happening again. You don’t want to be alone, but is this really good for you?

‘It’s not their fault.’ the rational part of your brain screams. ‘You could never find other people who get you like they do. You can’t leave.’ It’s worth it, doesn’t it? They make you feel so happy, so you really need to just accept this. Even if you want to rip your chest out to stop this feeling, the good outweighs the bad. So, just take a step back and distract yourself until it gets better.

It’s been four days since you last texted anyone. You wanted to share so much with them, but you kept it in. You want to feel wanted so bad you’ll do anything at this point. Even if that means that you disappear for weeks. That’s exactly what you want to do, just disappear, without a trace of you even existing. You can’t continue like this forever, it’s a vicious cycle, and you just want it to stop.

Opening the messaging apps and then closing them when you remember, constantly looking at the notifications. It gets tiring. You know it won’t be the notification that you’re waiting for, however your heart still jumps at the sound and you’re still rushing to look at the notification. You’re disappointed, but not surprised. A week isn’t that long, why would they worry?

The weight on your shoulders feels heavier and heavier every single day. It makes everything so hard, even the simplest tasks seem impossible. You hate every second of it, you do, yet you won’t do anything to stop it. You want this, don’t you? You want to be hurt, and you want everyone to know exactly how much they hurt you.

You aren’t a good person. You know that. You are angry and spiteful. Or maybe you are a good person you just strayed a bit off the road. Maybe it’s normal to feel this worthless and self important at the same time. You aren’t even sure if you don’t care at all or care too much. It all seems so conflicting.

Everything seems so bland, just day by day you get through it. You feel like you lost so much of your life. Weeks? Months? You could look at the calendar, or you could just continue your pity party. You just want to stay in your small bubble of pain. Nobody can hurt you if you don’t let them, that’s what you say to yourself. It’s not true though, you’re waiting for someone else to care enough to pop the bubble. Ironic, since not even you care enough to do that.

The lack of sleep and large amounts of caffeine has an effect on you. You’re seeing things, monsters. They are ugly as all hell, and you aren’t surprised about that. The things in your mind are appalling, of course the things coming out would be the same. You are the problem that much is clear, this is why nobody likes you. If only you were smarter or funnier or more interesting or more charming. If only you were better…

“I should get some sleep. They look so realistic.” You muse as you look at the monsters crawling on your ceiling.

You keep thinking of Megumi, he is always so capable, so caring. He takes care of everyone around him, his sister, his friends and himself. He already stretches himself so thin, he can’t care for you too. You are useless, you can’t even brush your teeth without two cups of coffee at least. You are worthless, even worse a burden. Megumi can’t have any more people burdening him, he already works so hard to provide for his sister and himself.

“What would he think if he saw how creepy these things look?” You wonder as you look at a small monster that curiously approached you. He would probably be as calm as ever, you smile at the thought of your boyfriend. He would say that you’re weird for seeing these things, though.

Megumi has been extremely busy for a while. With missions and practice he barely found time to even think. He got up in the morning, worked and then went to sleep. If he had a bit of free time Itadori and Kugisaki would take it up, whether he liked it or not. That was his excuse to not text you back. He knew that it wouldn’t take more than a few seconds, but he just couldn’t bring himself to get to it. On day four he felt too bad for not texting back so he did. The text didn’t say a lot, he just agreed to a rant about some movie you watched. He really didn’t care about the movie; he only replied to keep the conversation going.

After the guilt has eased up he forgot about the text and as sad as that sounds, you. He went on with his day; school, practice with the upperclassmen, dinner together and then off to bed. It’s a simple routine, but his friends make sure that he’s never bored. So, it’s understandable that you only came to his mind when he found a dumb video that he thought you would like.

He feels bad. Two weeks of not hearing anything from you, and he just notices now. He can’t believe it at first, he thinks that maybe he accidentally deleted the notification. He checks, in your chat, that he needed to scroll an embarrassing amount to find, the last message is his from a week and a half prior. You received the message but haven’t opened it yet.

You aren’t part of the Jujutsu world, so any contact with you comes through messages and dates you set up. This makes this whole thing so much worse. He’s a terrible boyfriend. Are you mad that it took him that long to text you back? You are probably even more mad at him for not checking in on you.

He texts you, he knows the situation is bad but the more time he wastes the worse it will get. Now that he thinks back, at first he can’t even remember the last time he saw you. It takes some tracing back for him to find the answer. You last saw each other 6 weeks ago.

You want to sleep so bad, you really do, but you are so afraid. It’s incredibly ironic that you are afraid of sleeping when that’s the only time you stop seeing these monsters. You’d much rather see these monsters than wake up tomorrow to the same unbearable pain. It’s all weighing you down to the point where you barely have the strength to wake up in the morning from the glorified nap you took.

You see the messages, you see his messages. This is what you wanted, right? Attention. Now you have it and you feel just as miserable. So you just ignore it, that’s the easiest thing to do. They ignored you for so long so you can ignore them too, can’t you? You feel bad about it, however at this point it just adds to the already impossible weight. You already cracked under it, so why would it matter?

The monsters are slowly getting bigger, they look like they thrive off of your misery. Your mind must be incredibly twisted to keep up this level of delusion for this long, or maybe you are just ill. Either way you have a suspicion that hallucinations can’t last this long. Could a person really see the same hallucinations every waking second for weeks? Even the same monsters with the same appearance. Despite that you can’t bring yourself to look into it, there aren’t many other options. Maybe your problem is just more serious than you thought.

Do you have schizophrenia? You don’t know much about it, but hallucinations are a symptom if you remember correctly. You should find a therapist, whatever is happening to you is not normal. Slipping into this state this fast is not normal. The only explanation you can find is a serious mental illness. You’ll look for one tomorrow perhaps, but you don’t have much hope. These days you don’t have energy to do anything. Maybe you should go to the doctor’s to get some sleeping pills to knock yourself out to get some sleep.

After not replying for more than three weeks he calls you, you don’t pick up. It keeps ringing but the line cuts off without an answer. He is definitely concerned now. He calls in the evening again, then on the next day 3 times and then again the next day. He’s always getting the same results, it rings and you don’t pick up. Thankfully, the day after is a Saturday and Megumi has the time to visit you.

He turned down Kugisaki and Itadori’s invitation to go shopping and then Maki’s offer to train. Something is up with you and he needs to know. He calls again on the bus, and then he texts you that he’s coming over, but again nothing. He has such a bad feeling about this whole situation. This has never happened before, even when you got busy you got back to him in a day or two.

He either really messed up or something happened to you. Either way he hopes he can find some answers now. He wants you to be alright. He prays that you’re just mad at him and you can talk it out. Even so, the doubt in his head leaves him uneasy. What if you got hurt or even worse? He can’t have that, he can’t fail again at protecting a person he loves.

He becomes more and more on edge the closer he is to your place and when he gets off the bus he starts to panic. Something feels really wrong. He hurries to your apartment, and when he gets to your door he slips into full panic mode. He feels curses in your house. He practically breaks down your door, it is fortunately open so he gets in without any struggle. In his rush the bouquet he got you falls on the floor, it’s long forgotten.

The only thing he hopes for is that he isn’t too late. He begs to anyone who can hear it, that you haven’t picked up the phone because of the curses’ effects, not because you couldn’t. He really imagined today to go differently. Very differently. He rushes through your apartment to try to find you. Every second spent searching feels like a lifetime to him.

He picks up on the source of the cursed energy, it’s in your bedroom. The air in the apartment is stale, you haven’t opened the windows in a while. His hasty movements make dust fly, this would make his throat tighten if it wasn’t as tight as possible already. Everything in this flat makes him so anxious. It looks abandoned.

When he flings the door open, he exercises the curses the second he sees them. They were a few low level ones, he isn’t sure if they were even strong enough to hurt you. That doesn’t mean much though, a higher level curse could’ve been here to finish you. These small ones might just stick around to absorb every little drop of negative energy that is left after your death.

He looks around for you and he hopes that you are alive. He finds you on the bed, covered by your blanket. The duvet is pulled so high he can barely see the top of your head. The only thing he can make out from the doorway besides, is that you have your back to him, and if you were woken up by him breaking in and yelling your name you showed no sign of it. This isn’t good not at all.

The dread sets in. He wants to run to you, but the fear of what he might find is paralyzing. He calls your name again, there’s still no sign of you hearing him. Every step takes so much effort, it’s like the unendurable weight he senses on his chest is actually physically there. Tears sting his eyes and he’s more desperate than ever before. He can’t lose you. He tried so hard to keep you away from the world of curses, to keep you safe from them.

Did he fail this miserably?

A/n: Hey I’m popping in again to thank you for reading as well as clarifying that schizophrenia is nothing but misrepresented and stigmatized mental illness (please stop villainizing certain mental illnesses)! The fic was not meant to portray schizophrenia, nor was it meant to insinuate that schizophrenia is some unnatural/supernatural illness. The reader’s behavior is not in any way healthy and it should not be romanticized or glorified. If you notice that any of the symptoms mentioned (or any other symptom of any mental illness) please seek help from preferably a professional! (Please tell me if you find something incorrect so I can correct myself!)

[ladyxskywalker]

This is super personal, but you’re one of the blogs I trust you with this because this feels like a safe place 🥹 CW: mental health I guess

I have this kind of mental illness where everything I do feel feels off and like it doesn’t belong to me, it makes it hard for me to have relationships and to form new memories. everything I do and experience is distant and feels like it belongs to someone else, it’s rough and I’m taken care of by professionals. since Obi Wan is my no.1 comfort character atm I thought about how stunned he’d be if he ever heard that.

He’d be the cutest with a sick s/o, he’d be so gentle and patient with them no matter what. I think he’d even read in the library about this if the books had any information about it and how to help his love. And he’d feel the love of his s/o, he’d be the best and I think he’d be so good at reassuring their loved one saying stuff like “You’re here with me, I’m feeling your love sweetheart.” in the sweetest Obi Wan way I could imagine. I just needed to share this, sorry if if was too much 🥹

hello my dear friend 🌸

this is absolutely a safe space, you are seen & loved, & most importantly, never alone. 🙏

emotional well being is so important. sometimes people often struggle with difficulties that others often can not see. invisible illnesses & scars. unkind thoughts, debilitating sadness, or grief that can weigh us down uncontrollably. I'm not a mental health professional, but I can speak from personal experience that in time, healing is certainly possible. never give up.

sometimes all it takes is a little compassion, understanding, & support. & even something as simple as a hug can truly go a long way.

I'm glad to hear that you have a support system of professionals that take care of you & hope that you are finding it helpful. take each day one step at a time, be kind to yourself, & take much needed breathers when you have to.

love conquers all. xo 🌼🌸💛

now. as for our beloved comfort character obi wan ...

I feel like he would most definitely be patient with a friend or partner who is struggling. He would do anything possible to try to understand what they may be going through. Having experienced some heartache & struggles of his own, I can only imagine him having the utmost of compassion for others.

He would definitely seek out positive coping mechanisms, or creative outlets for both of you to try together. Kind activities to inspire calm in one another, whether that might be quiet trips to the library, or walks through nature or the outdoors. Maybe even art, or an experience getting to know different cultures. Spending time doing things to uplift your souls, & enrich your bond by facing all that life throws your way together.

If he sees that you are having trouble making sense of these experiences & memories, I envision him making a book of memories & keepsakes for you to hold onto. Maybe even a secret datapad of photos & videos. Audio comm recordings of his gentle voice, soothing you to sleep. Something tangible that you can hold inside your hands, to look at when you are feeling comfortable. That way, you will always have something meaningful to remember him by, or to look back on when at times you might be feeling lost.

I feel like no matter what, in good times, or bad, he will always reassure you that you are loved & that he has your heart...just as much as you will always have his too.

... 🌸

[I hope this was helpful & maybe brought you some comfort ! xo]

[specsforwoo]

Roman Numerals | Mafia!Jeong Jaehyun

Okay, so, this is a collaboration between myself (@specsforwoo) and the author (@marshmellowmin) so please support us as we continue to release content related to the overall theme that you can find on my/their blog. Thank you!

For as long as you could remember, you could speak to people long gone from this realm of reality. It came as natural to you as breathing. People who were newly dead, or those who have been dead for millenia-you could speak to all of them. In your family, powers like this were not unheard of, just extremely rare. That last person to have this power was your mothers great-great grandmother-over 150 years ago.

Since then, the knowledge of the power had all but faded from your family’s history-until you were born. Your mother died when you were 15 years old, but due to your power, you were able to stay in contact with her. It was almost as if she never left.

Your father wasn’t too keen on the whole power thing, and he even believed it was completely made up, seeing as there was no written record anywhere about anyone in your family having the power before you.

Your mom was the one who kept him from going completely overboard with doctors and medications-”remedies for your illness”, he called it. However, after your mother passed, he sent you to a mental institution and kept you there until you turned 20 and you were no longer under his legal care.

As soon as you got out, you changed your last name from Song to Moon, your mother’s name. You wanted nothing to to with your father and this was one way to do it. Your family you knew as a child was long gone-and as far as you were concerned, family was a word people used to hurt others.

For the past couple of years, you lived life alone on the streets. You had no money, no home, and you had no clue how the world worked after being isolated from the world for 5 years.

At age 22 you were living in an abandon shipping crate with barely a blanket to keep you warm. You wore some clothes you stole of a clothesline a few months ago. You hadn’t eaten a decent meal in a week and you were beginning to believe you weren’t going to live to pass on your family line. It didn’t help that the sicker you get the more out of whack your powers got. You were seeing peoples death scenes-something that terrified you. Day in and day out you watched people be blown up, shot, stabbed, or just peacefully pass of disease or old age. The scene that made you lose your mind was your mother’s death.

Watching her be hit by that truck over and over broke you in ways you didn’t think were possible. You suffered alone for a while-until the doors to the shipping crate were opened wide by someone you didn’t recognize. It was a tall person who had short hair and broad shoulders, making you believe the person was male.

“Who are you? Get the fuck out if you don’t want to die today.” The man spoke in a harsh and grating voice.

His words triggered a scene of an older woman on a hospital bed, get well soon balloons were tied to the bed and an arrangement of flowers sat on the nightstand. “Don’t you worry about me, Jae-Jae, I’ll be just fine. You go have fun with your friends, I’ll be waiting to hear all about it when you get back.”

Suddenly, a young boy, about 8 or 9 years old, popped into your view. He hugged the old woman, while the old woman kissed his forehead. The boy waved bye to old woman, who tried to wave back-but something happened and she began hacking, making the young boy grow increasingly worried about her.

“Gramma, are you okay? Gramma? Someone help! I need help! Somethings wrong with my gramma! Help!” And with that, the scene ended. You wiped the tears from your eyes and began to stand up-or attempt to at least. Your legs gave out and you came crashing down to the cold metal floor.

“Hey, I thought I told you to leave! Why are you still here?” The man yelled again, which only triggered the rest of the scene of the old woman and the young boy.

You saw the boy sitting on a bench outside a hospital room-one you assumed to be the old woman’s room. Tears were streaming down his face and his sobs were traumatizing. Eventually, a doctor stepped out of the room, making the boy wipe his tears and stand up to face the doctor. “How is my gramma? Is she gonna be okay? Please tell me she’s gonna be okay!” The boy began crying again, which only made the doctor kneel down to the boys level and embrace him. The doctor said something inaudible to the boy, which obviously wasn’t what the boy wanted to hear. “No! She can’t be! No! She’s not gone! She’s not dead! NO!”

The boy ran into the old woman’ s room, stopping as soon as he saw all the tubes coming out of the woman. The heart rate monitor was still flatlining, proving to the boy his worst fear had come true. The boy began screaming, tears falling rapidly down his face.

The scene ended once again, this time you opened your eyes to see the man who threatened you just minutes earlier. You got a closer look at his face and realized he was the boy from the scene you just saw. Suddenly, you felt remorse for him-experiencing that kind of pain at such a young age would be traumatizing for anyone.

“Are you Jae-Jae?” You asked, making the man’s eyes widen in shock. His surprise was short lived, his face contorting to a vicious glare. You cowered a little, his gaze terrifying.

“How the fuck to you know that name?” He snarled. His right hand moved to grab his gun that was tucked away into his belt. “Your grandmother told me.”

“I don’t have a grandmother. Now tell me how the fuck you learned that name or I won’t hesitate to kill you.” The man leaned in and pressed his gun into your neck, the cold metal making you shiver. Death would be better than whatever life you were currently living, but the old woman sitting just across the way from you began to speak. It was the same old woman from the scene you just bore witness to, which meant the man threatening you couldn’t see her.

“Don’t let him kill you. He needs you more than either one of you knows.” She spoke, her voice quiet and empty, as if she were far away rather than five feet in front of you. You didn’t know how she knew this, but you didn’t question her-for fear of the gun on your neck.

“You did. And when she was alive I saw her quite often. My mother was sick too and she was in the room next to my mom. I saw you a couple times, but I never spoke to you. Your grandmother told me you were her Jae-Jae and said I could meet you the next day when you visited. I never got that chance as my mother died that day,” You lied, which the man knew.

“Stop lying. I know you’ve never met my grandmother, and if you had, she would’ve called me by my name, not by her nickname for me,” the man said, pressing the barrel of his gun further into your neck. You went numb and heard the man cursing his luck as your upper body fell to the ground, your whole world turning black.

You woke up in an unfamiliar place, on a bed, with new clothes on. Your wounds had been taken care of and you noticed a pad of paper on the nightstand next to the bed. On it a note had been written for you.

When you wake up go left down the hall and take the first right. It’ll lead you to the kitchen where there’ll be food waiting for you. Afterwards, go into the living room. It’s visible from the kitchen so I won’t give you directions there. But once you’re in the living room someone will come get me, so stay there.

Jaehyun (Jae-Jae)

You found it heartwarming that he had decided to leave you a note, despite the fact that he had threatened to kill you. He also signed the letter as Jae-Jae, which you found adorable. You decided to follow the directions you were given and began to leave the room when the same old woman appeared in your vision.

“Take care of my Jae-Jae for me. Lord knows he needs it,” She spoke, giving you a small smile and leaving just as soon as she arrived. When people who have passed leave your field of vision, it’s like you’re in a bad 90’s sitcom about angels. They just disappear; no dust, no lights, nothing. They’re just gone. It’s weird but you got used to it. You left the room, turned left, took the first right, and walked into the kitchen. There was a man in the kitchen with black hair that was pushed out of his face with his hands. He turned to face you, confirming that he wasn’t Jaehyun.

“Hi, you must be the girl Jaehyun brought back. I hope you’re feeling well. My names Taeyong, is there anything specific you would like to eat?” He said, walking over to the fridge and browsing it’s contents.

“I’m okay with anything, thank you.” You awkwardly walked to the tables in the dining room adjacent to the kitchen while Taeyong fixed you a cup of noodles.

“You know, I don’t think we ever learned your name,” Taeyong said, placing the steaming cup of noodles on the placemat in front of you.

“Y/N,” you responded, picking up a pair of chopsticks that Taeyong provided for you and eating the noodles. They weren’t spicy, which you were thankful for. Soon enough, the noodles were gone and you had to go to the living room to meet with Jaehyun. Taeyong went to get him while you traveled ten feet away to the living room. The living room was simply decorated, but it still had character. It somehow matched the graffitied brick walls perfectly. You didn’t wait long, Taeyong walked in with the man you assumed to be Jaehyun. He was a tall man. He wore a simple black tshirt and black joggers, his hair a wild mess. In all honesty, Jaehyun looked extremely attractive.

“Y/N, this is Jaehyun. Jaehyun, this is Y/N. I’ll be going now, enjoy your talk!” Taeyong said, walking off in the direction he came.

“So Y/N, you have a lot of explaining to do. Let’s start off with how you knew my name.” Jaehyun said, sitting down on the couch opposite you. He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees to support his upper body.

“You wouldn’t believe me even if I told you,” You mumbled lowly. Jaehyun perked up.

“Try me. I’ve seen a lot of shit during my time here.”

“How about someone who can talk to the dead?” Jaehyun choked.

“You can talk to the dead?” His voice had a tone of obvious disbelief. You just nodded, making Jaehyun rub his temples. “You mean to tell me you can speak to people who are dead?”

“I, uh, yeah?” You suddenly felt nervous. What if he decided he didn’t believe you and had you killed? You were practically trembling with fear and nerves at this point.

“So how exactly did you know my name?” Jaehyun asked, his tone never changing from one of disbelief.

“Well you see, not only can I speak to the dead, but I can also see people's death scenes? If that makes any sense at all. Anyways, I saw what happened the day your grandmother died. She called you Jae-Jae, so I called you Jae-Jae.” You explained, your voice shaking from your nerves. “She also visited me just before I went into the kitchen today. She said that I need to take care of you-that you needed it.” Jaehyun looked surprised.  how? How can any of this happen?” Jaehyun asked, confusion and disbelief evident in his voice. He also sounded hurt, like he had been left out.

“I don’t know. It’s been happening since I was a child. My parents thought I was speaking to my imaginary friends. Even when our dog died and I was still talking to him, my parents just thought it was my way of coping. It wasn’t until I began speaking to people I had never met and had died long before my time that my parents began to think I could speak to the dead. My father wanted me in a mental institution and thought of any way to ‘cure my condition’. My mother was very against that. She believed that I could learn to control it and live a normal life. My great grandmother was the last known person in my family to have that power, which is why my mother didn’t want me locked away. But as soon as she died, my father sent me to a mental institution and I was put on heavy medications. I was there for five years. At age 20 I left that place and after five years of being cut off from the world, I was at a huge disadvantage. I didn’t have a high school degree, I couldn’t get a job, and I refused to go back to my father. So for two years I lived on the streets. Fun fact about my abilities: they go all out of whack when I’m sick or malnourished. Which means I could see almost like a video of when people die. The moments leading up to it, and the aftermath.” You spilled out your history to the man you barely knew who sat in front of you, words jumbled together and rushed, hoping that he wouldn’t continue to think you are lying and shoot you dead.

He leaned back into the couch he sat on, taking one of his hands and running it down his face before resting on his agaped lips. “Prove it to me.” His shocked expression hardened into determination. “What was the last thing my grandma said to me?”

“I don’t know if I should…” The frail woman’s last words rang clear through your head, knowing they were meant for him, but he most likely hadn’t heard them, and you were unsure that he would want to.

“Prove to me that this is real or else I will shoot you between the eyes without a second thought.”

You sucked in a breath before exhaling deeply, deciding to go with the words you knew he had heard. “You go have fun with your friends, I’ll be waiting to hear all about it when you get back.”

“Wow.” He audibly swallowed around nothing as his face went blank. “Did she- Did she suffer?” He asked, pain showing through the determination his eyes still held. “Is she okay now?” It was evident he was about to cry.

“I wish I could tell you, but I can’t feel their emotions. But I can tell you she is happy now. She seems to like the family you created for yourself, albeit some concerns about your profession. She really wasn’t afraid to voice her opinions on that.” It was easy to tell this was a touchy subject for the young man, his hard exterior broken as tears began to fall down his cheeks, hiccups rising in his chest.

“That sounds just like her. It really does. You have no i- I guess you do though. If she appears again, tell her I miss her okay? You can go back to the room you woke up in. We’ll talk about other arrangements in the morning.” He wiped his tears with the back of his hand, standing up and exiting the room as quickly as he had arrived.

You decided to stay back and look around the living room. In the middle was a large glass coffee table with books and files strewn across it. The TV had a picture of some lake on it, though it quickly faded out into another one of a bustling city. In the corner were bags of what appeared to be spray paint and other art supplies, you figured that’s what was used to decorate the exposed brick walls. Finally, there was a wall made fully of glass that outlooked the city, a small garden hidden in the darkness was visible and you were starting to have trouble believing this was the house of some insane gangster rather than an A-list celebrity.

Wandering back into the kitchen, Taeyong was there again, this time with 2 boys would couldn’t be older than 18, them bickering over a laptop when suddenly a gasp was heard from one of them. “Chenle hyung! You can’t do that! Do you know how much trouble Doyoung hyung had fixing the mess we made the last time you hacked the system?” Your eyes widened at the name Doyoung, the only person coming to mind was the infamous politician who was spearheading the Independent Party in Seoul. Taeyong chuckled seeing your reaction and pointed down one of the multiple corridors leading away from the advanced kitchen. Bedrooms. You made out the words on his lips before he went over and pulled on the ear of the lilac haired boy you assumed to be Chenle.

He looked like he was in for a scolding you so decided it was time to take your leave, heading down the hallway Taeyong had formerly pointed to. Lining the hallway were doors, each uniquely decorated from graffiti to light green backdrops and colored flowers to one that had the warning sign for toxic chemicals it with a name in English under it. One however quickly caught your attention, painted a slate grey, it was rather plain except for the roman numerals written vertically along the handled side. It was slightly open and you peered inside, to see whose room it could possibly be. You were met with a broad back sitting cross legged in a computer chair, as the body stooped over what looked to be a picture frame.

The unidentified body was slightly shaking and the soft sound of sobbing came into your hearing range followed by choked up words. “I’m so sorry, I-I let you down. I became the thing that took you from me.” It sounded oftly like Jaehyun, which peaked your interest more. You leaned against the side of the door frame when suddenly something small poked at your feet, looking down you noticed a small cat with wide eyes staring up at you, obviously confused at the new face entering its territory. You hadn’t realized you let out a rather loud shriek by the surprise of the animal in front of you until Jaehyun was turning around, wiping his eyes once again.

[a-bright-ray-of-sunshine]

helloo, I love your blog & am so thankful for your existence!

For sunshine Sunday I just wanted to share a part of my story in hopes it could possibly help install hope in someone.

For my whole life, I have struggled with my mental health- whether it be suicidal ideation to anxiety to mood swings, the whole works. I’ve often found myself lost, and feeling as if there’s no point in continuing and even going as far as to harm myself and try to end it all. This time last year I truly didn’t see my life getting better or me ever being truly happy and I was certain, and I mean 1000% sure without a shadow of a doubt, I was destined for a life full of misery. I was so certain I almost was at peace with the idea- almost in a “it is what it is” kind of way.

But things do get better. Not much has changed physically in my life apart from me moving houses, but rather one day I made a commitment to myself to be the person I needed most. For months it was horrible, I felt like I didn’t know what to do and I was hyper aware of all the little things I was doing to self sabotage, and it sometimes led me to hating myself further. Yet with the help from my friends, various councillors and myself, I can genuinely say I am happy. I am in no way cured of my mental illness, but rather I live alongside it- it no longer is me but rather just is. I am so happy I am alive, and I am so happy I have the life I do, hardships and all, because without them I wouldn’t have the knowledge and tools I have today which allow me to be better. Compassion is key in these situations and I am a lot better at showing myself compassion when needed now. I no longer wake up hating the universe for not letting me pass away in my sleep but rather can’t get to sleep at night sometimes because I’m so excited for the new opportunities waiting for me in my future. All of this is down to me one day making a commitment to myself even though I didn’t feel like I deserved it. I now hug my emotions but don’t let them engulf me. Now, I am whole, sure there’s a few cracks but I’m whole nonetheless.

I largely thank people like you who run blogs like you do because without the positivity and affirmations, I would easily slip into depressive states. But thanks to people like you, I am constantly reminded of the good in the world and the fact that it’s okay to feel- I am not evil or bad, I am just experiencing human emotion! So thank you for everything you do, you truly are making a difference. And if anyone else is reading this, I promise you, it does get better, you can learn to love yourself and you can get to the point where even when your thoughts engulf you, you know better days will come.

Peace and love to everyone, always x

hiya lovely!! thank you so, so much for sharing your story!! i hope it can be an inspiration to others who might be where you were a year ago. i am so proud of you for getting yourself out of that dark place, that takes so much strength!! i hope you're having a fantastic day, peace and love 💛

[one-abuse-survivor]

I think I might be disabled, like I've been considering it for so long, but never let myself think on it too much. Never let myself really realize that maybe I will need stuff others won't.

I can't be right? It's what I've been saying to myself for so long...

I'm neurodivergent, but not disabled.

I'm chronically in pain, but not disabled.

But, these week, my knee started hurting, and I don't know why. Cause I had hit it months ago and it healed, but now the pain is coming back. I went to the doctor, was given anti-inflammatory meds, and was sent on my way.

The meds, they are helping. But, my knee almost looks like it's twisted inwards, it did even before we went to the doctor. I'm worried that maybe, I will never recover from this, that my leg will be permanently fucked up.

It made me wonder, if maybe I am disabled and this is just the universe's way of getting it through my head. By damaging me beyond repair so I have to accept it. Or maybe, maybe I'm not disabled, but will be soon cause my knee looks fucked up

I'm just, really scared and I don't know what I should do. I am not even sure if I am even disabled or if I ever will be but I'm still scared. It's so fucking stupid. I shouldn't be this scared or worried.

This injury is making me look back and wonder if I've been disabled all along and just learned to suck it up, or if I'm about to be disabled cause of my fucked up knee.

I'm probably sounding insane right now, my thoughts are everywhere, I don't know if I'm making sense or if it sounds like I'm speaking a foreign language.

What do I even do??

It's been accepted that my brother has a chronic illness so he's been getting accommodations, but would they do the same if I turn out to be disabled? He's obviously the favorite so I don't know if my family will even care if I turn out that way.

There's too many unknowns, too many things that could go wrong and I don't know what to do.

I'm probably making this into a much bigger deal than it should be, and I'm so so so so sorry for that, but I don't want to worry my friends with this, and I don't know who else to talk to.

I'm glad my blog could provide a space for you to express all these worries. I'm sorry you're struggling so much with this. I hope your knee feels better than it did when you sent this ask!

You're not insane, nonnie, and I really don't think you're making this into a bigger deal than it is.

The truth is, I don't think I'm the best person to help you sort this out, because I have the same doubts as you about myself. I also have chronic pain, and I have cptsd, which I don't even know if it counts as a disability. I don't know if all neurodivergences are classified as disabilities either (I know some of them are, like ASD, ADHD, epilepsy...). And I also frankly have no idea if chronic pain is a disability. I think it isn't considered one legally in most places, in the sense that you can't access disability benefits just with a chronic pain diagnosis, but that's the extent of my knowledge. Maybe some of my followers can weigh in on this.

But, nonnie, you don't need to wait until you know if you're disabled to acknowledge that you need certain accommodations for your pain and your neurodivergence. Everyone deserves accommodations when they're struggling, not just disabled people who know for a fact they're disabled. People with mental illnesses, addicts, people with chronic pain, people dealing with increased fatigue or stress, people who are menstruating, people who just have a lot on their plate right now, and anyone else who needs accommodations for any reason, all deserve to have those accommodations provided when possible.

I'm really sorry you can't be sure your family will provide those accommodations for you. They shouldn't need proof that you need help—you expressing that you're struggling should be enough for them to take you seriously.

Sending a virtual hug ❤️

[kdramaxoxo]

Hi :) found your blog recently and i love it so much ♥️🥺 I was wondering if you can make a rec list of really deep and meaningful dramas? sth like JBL, that can really hit the feels you know? especially if there's angst and soft OTPs 😍😂 watched JBL and flower of evil bc of you and i was ˢᵗᵘⁿⁿᵉᵈ, now they're two of my all time favourite dramas, I'm just convinced at this point that anything you rec I'll love, but for real, i love your blog so much it can be the highlight of my day sometimes ♥️

First of all, nothing makes me happier than knowing my blog is a fun place to be! Your compliments make my heart go 💓😍💓

Also, I love this ask because this anon gets me. I LOVE those intensely meaningful relationships in k-dramas, made even more solid with shared trauma or a soul-mate connection.

K-dramas featuring a mixture of soft OTPs, trauma, healing and a splash of angst (all have romance)

Come & Hug Me: When you mentioned Just Between Lovers and Flower of Evil, I thought of this drama first. I fell hard for the soft OTP made tragic by their shared horrific past. I sobbed through 80 percent of this drama but enjoyed the thriller aspect too.

He is Pyschometric: A mystery thriller that pairs up a rookie cop and a soft boy with psychic powers. There’s a lot to love about this sometimes funny but very heartfelt k-drama featuring so many people that just need a hug.

Angel’s Last Mission: Love: This drama isn’t perfect but I love a fantasy where two people fall in love deeply and try to fix their ill fate. If you like romances and fantasy k-dramas, this one will fit the bill but there is a ton of angst so get ready.

Extraordinary You: A super fun trope-y k-drama with a huge twist, this drama has such an amazing fantasy/fated love OTP. A friend of mine is watching this right now and said “I never want to be NOT watching Extraordinary You” and I feel that 100%.

It’s Okay To Not Be Okay/ Psycho but it’s okay: This show has a lot of healing, angst and beautiful people falling in love. But the main reason I personally love this show is the relationship between the leading lady and her boyfriend’s brother. They are besties who both had trouble making their way in the world, and are one of my favorite platonic soulmate pairings.

The Smile Has Left Your Eyes: This is a remake of a jdrama, but it’s a gritty and unusual psychological thriller/ romance. Seo in Guk and Jung So Min are seriously trauma babies who find one another and start to unravel their past. Take care of your heart if you watch this one - it’s intense.

A Piece of Your Mind: This romance isn’t what I normally think of when I think about Just Between Lovers, but the love story is beautiful and deep with a lot of heartbreak, and a unique setup that i personally loved.

It’s Okay That’s Love: This is one of those classic k-dramas that I think everyone should watch. It’s one of the first k-dramas that tries to deal with mental illness the right way (it sort of does it and it sort of doesn’t) and it has a lot of melo romance moments with healing right in the center.

Thirty But Seventeen: This cutie has a lot of fun and silly moments but both characters are trying to heal from a tragic incident. There is co-habitation, wholesome characters and a lovely found family element.

Crash Landing On You: An epic k-drama about a chaebol who finds herself trapped in North Korea with a hottie soldier. I don’t really think of this drama as super angsty, but it really is because the two can’t be together and are in love - what ever will they do?

When the Camellia Blooms: A small town slice of life about a single mom who runs a bar and thinks she’s been cursed with bad luck. She’s so soft and sweet and her kid is amazing. It has a lovely romance, but it also has really interesting characters and focuses more on her which I really loved.

When The Weather is Fine: A quiet k-drama that takes place in a small town, mostly at a local book shop. The leads are both plagued with tragedy and fall hard for one another but let their own insecurities and issues get in the way. I have mixed feelings about the drama overall, but I really loved the softness of the couple when they get together. 

Goblin & Chicago Typewriter: Both of these mix historical back stories with modern day to create a beautiful love story. I’m partial to Chicago Typewriter because the historical element is so interesting and the angst is just screaming at you. But both are pretty fantastical so if you like one you’ll probably like the other. (Goblin is super popular but I like the secondary couple better than the main).

Just Between Lovers and Flower Of Evil: If these weren’t on my list I’d feel like I left something out. Just Between Lovers is one of my favorite k-dramas ever. It’s got slice of life elements, tragic backstory and a soft damaged boy (hi bb junho!). Flower of Evil hasn’t finished yet but I can tell it’s gonna rip my heart out so I’ll chance it and put this creepy and mysterious thriller romance on my list anyways.

xoxo, Shana

[augurhound-a]

MY 02 WISHLIST OR WHATEVER:

- MORE FRIENDS. PLEASE GOD MORE FRIENDS 02 has the least amount of people he considers real, true friends of in everyone in his family. i genuinely struggle to count more than four. i want my son to have friends so he’s not a little pissbaby all the time - POSITIVE ROLE MODEL/PARENTAL FIGURES DEAR GOD. i’m not joking when i say that if a parental figure he looked up to hugged 02 he would instantly shatter. give him. dayud. mom. i dont care he just needs a role model - SOMEONE DRAG HIM TO A DOCTOR. 02 will resist treatment for his faulty code and his mental illnesses tooth and nail somebody’s gotta force him to go - MAKE HIM CRY. 02′s never cried before ever in the history of this blog (i would know, i went back and i fucking looked not ONE tear. not ONE) and i think that would be good for him :) - FIGHT HIM. loser nerd scientist needs to fight more stop backlining you worthless twink - THIS ONE IS EXCEEDINGLY SPECIFIC but i want someone to interface with 02′s positronic brain and perceive his subconscious the way he does it--a weird simulant tron data landscape of sapient code and shifting executables. think the geth server mission from me3. please give this to me please. - did i mention get him a therapist yet - HAVE FUN WITH HIM? JUST HAVE FUN WITH HIM!! help him get out of his agoraphobia. take him for a night on the town to a club or to a restaurant or museum just do something fun with him so he stops being so wound up all the time. go hiking! go camping! just do something fun with him he’s so work steady and sad all the time :( - I WANT A “WE KILLED SOMEONE AND HAVE TO HIDE THE BODY” RP. let me weekend at bernies this - HEY SO DO YOU WANT A FRIEND that has extremely rich and powerful friends that are crime lords, tech CEOs, military spec ops traitors, or master thieves? do you want to meet 02′s inner circle? i want someone to :]