#this blog has been a big part of my recovery so thank you to every follower mutual or person that’s liked one of my posts

[gabriels-golden-kazoo]

It’s so stupid but today I finally completed exposure therapy for OCD obviously I’m not by any means better but I’m now able to walk myself through the steps of recovery without needing someone there to help and that alone is such a freeing feeling

[findmeinthefallair]

Retraumatization vs. Self-Soothing (Part 2)

Part 1 is here.

As is expected when I talk in depth about this skrunkly, the usual warnings apply i.e. heavy discussion surrounding how trauma works, mentions of self-harm, suicidal ideation, death, effects of abuse and discussions about therapy from my perspective as a practicing therapist.

The lengthy meta I have pinned on my blog (link) is the general overview of Hunter's pre-epilogue recovery, whereas this meta will have more observations I hadn't yet made when writing any previous metas, and importantly, using other characters - especially King - as a comparison: because King has been raised by Eda with secure attachment - to better handle traumatic incidents, at only half of Hunter's (supposed) age. Lilith was in the Emperor's Coven for a long time, and while I'm in no way discounting her own deep wounds, her proximity to Belos was not the same as that of Hunter's.

Thanks to the Youtube channel Cinema Therapy, there will be one brief reference of other media: a scene from the movie Big Hero 6, to better highlight a couple of points in this meta. So, spoiler warning for that movie too~

Here we go with Part 2, the second and final piece of this particular series!

Retraumatization:

Belos was such an abusive control freak that he would've wanted to leave a mark on every area in Hunter's life. And he would have left many marks.

Before Hunter would've been able to learn how to carve palismen under Dell's mentorship, it's highly likely that it was problematic for him to even think about or interact with palismen. We already see signs of that in this short scene:

For all you know, after everyone leaves The Collector's Palace, Stringbean (or the other palismen) being their silly playful selves and flying in front of his face or jumping on his shoulder or lap...would be enough to jolt him into a flashback. Not unlike this:

or he might accidentally step on Ghost's tail while carrying heavy loads helping the CaTTs move into new makeshift offices, and Ghost would hiss at him, and he might have a short fuse like in FtF. With this kind of physical risk, it'd be too early for him to begin the carving lessons.

So I think quite a few little bouts of being retraumatized - like aftershocks of an earthquake - await the poor kiddo.

During the course of the show, we have seen him in a state of what's called "hyperarousal" multiple times: e.g. flinching, panic attacks, sweating, shaking, even widening his eyes in rage. This involves the body's sympathetic nervous system to fire up, preparing him to either flee or attack. But in the offscreen pre-timeskip period, he would have swung to the other end - "hypoarousal" - which involved shutting down, numbing out, being lethargic and bored, dissociating from being present, and slowing down to sleep more. It involves the parasympathetic nervous system which prepares a person to shut down: if physically fleeing or attacking is only going to be futile. There would be a new enemies for him to face such as survivor's guilt, moral injury, and loss of meaning and identity at a more serious level than what he faced in Hollow Mind or King's Tide.

It's heartbreaking that by killing Flapjack, Belos inflicted enough pain upon Hunter to sort of send him back to square one. To explain, Belos prevented Hunter from connecting with the outside world and trusting in it: doing this in order to keep Hunter as compliant as possible. The themes of connection vs. isolation seem to be visually represented by 1. palismen and 2. the Golden Guard uniform, especially the helmet covering the face and gloves covering the hands. On a wider scale in the show's lore, you could say that there's a clash between the themes of freedom and captivity, represented by wild magic, and the coven system with the Emperor's Coven at its helm.

Once Belos knew that Hunter was willing to rebel against him by leaving the Emperor's Coven, snatching the boy's palisman as well as his bodily autonomy away, made Hunter believe that he himself could only do harm. It's the same damage that he inflicted upon Luz, and by removing Flapjack from Hunter's life, arguably that would impact Hunter in a way that he had gloves on all over again. Invisible gloves this time, preventing the sense of connection with the world, that would eventually come off once again - like the visual symbolism of him removing his signature gloves when he arrives in the human realm. I go off on this specific tangent (the motif of hands in his arc) in this post: (x)

Evading capture and fighting off a physical threat? Hunter has had much preparation for that, via military training. But that is still more familiar territory compared to the battleground he would've faced pre-epilogue, which involved having to utilize new skills such as emotional regulation, distress tolerance, radical acceptance, and reframing in the context of trauma: to combat the pervading state of hypoarousal. He hasn't been equipped with these in the years of his upbringing.

With his needs and desires being discarded by Belos and the castle's residents for most of his life, he has been primed to believe that any of his true feelings deserve no space. Even in the finale, this old habit dies hard.

He was a parentified kid, conditioned to make sure that he was not inconveniencing his family (and god...his family, only consisted of one cruel deceptive person, before he fled the coven). Yet, he pushed and compartmentalized to survive.

But he would've had to pick those new skills up while navigating a whole new world that had no more Belos and Flapjack in it. In the right environment, he could be himself.

Comparing the three different smiles he has above is just, arghhh. C-PTSD is a roller coaster ride which makes one's world topsy turvy. Healing from that is grueling work, after you realize that what you thought was safe/normal is in fact insidious and dangerous,

while the actually good and actually healthy stuff will initially be scary and painful: before you trust that it will do the opposite of killing you.

In Labyrinth Runners, we saw more of a flight response from him, while in For the Future it was largely a fight response. Both of which were comfort zones at those times, compared to the much scarier act of quietly and mindfully sitting with the pain of bereavement, holding it front and center in his mind, trusting that it wouldn't destroy him to sit with such pain.

What then, after Belos's death?

His physicality would be affected. The gravitational centre of his body would have changed,

since he is without any staff and magical bond now. This vital piece of info comes from reading two metas about his fight scenes in Eclipse Lake, which feature some shared firsthand experience in martial arts and in using a staff to fight: - Meta by @ashanimus (x) - Meta by @polyhexian (x)

In Flapjack's absence,

he will not get back to regularly using a staff until Waffles comes to life...my guess is he takes around 2 years till he completes her carving process. And this is after years of using the artificial staff, even before Flapjack came along.

After being manipulated like putty in Belos's hands through intimidation for years, leading up to being directly and physically controlled via possession...his relationship with his body, not just his emotions, would be altered. And we can't ignore the mind-body link either; there is an overlap here.

He has deep abandonment wounds from Hollow Mind, compounded by being on the receiving end of active harm in Thanks to Them.

When it comes to his treatment plan as a client in therapy, there are frameworks to consider. Risk factors (whatever can aggravate his condition) vs. protective factors (whatever can help to improve his condition), the values that he as a unique person would like to believe in, taking note of his unique strengths, and assessing the rules he grew up with that were extreme, inflexible, and no longer serving him now that he is free from the Emperor's Coven.

There will be the overarching conflict of his temptation towards isolation vs. needing to connect with emotion to carve palismen. I suppose this is the clearest theme because the proof is in Belos isolating him to remove his personhood vs. the Bat Queen's explanation that palismen bond through emotion, and bonding therefore requires connection: not isolation.

In the throes of depression after Belos's death, the danger is that Hunter would want to give up, and he'd find it easier to fall into the antitheses of what he stood up for in his Thanks to Them speech.

Feeling like he can never truly be free of the Emperor's Coven's hold on him.

Feeling like he'd never (emotionally) leave that throne room.

Being tempted towards the belief that...in his pursuits of studying wild magic, learning to carve palismen, learning at Hexside, spending time with his friends, and in erasing Belos's harmful influence on the world.....that all his efforts would be futile, and that he can only bring harm and not good. Just like how during Luz's own depression, she told Stringbean, while the palisman was still unhatched, "Maybe you'll never hatch, and I messed up your life too."

This belief that he can only bring harm and that he didn't deserve the gift of being brought back to life, would be fused with what is obviously his worst darkest memory:

and for a very long time, he'll feel that he could've changed something to prevent this. If only he had been smarter, more vigilant...if only he were not having so much fun being engrossed in creating things in the human realm. This is Belos's hold on him, as he relives that night many times over the years. Even after Belos dies.

The foundation and main driving force of Hunter's therapy sessions will be the rapport built up between him and the therapist. This is a parallel to the trust he has already built up in his non-therapy relationships, and having both of those together would have a wonderful effectiveness.

And the therapy sessions would gently help him to defuse and untangle himself from that very unhelpful belief.

It's also about him thawing out from a childhood of very repressed emotional expression. As his arc progresses, he grows more into expressing his feelings, needs and desires. We start to see him express what feels like such a natural excitement for his personality, once he's in the human realm. And it's crucial for him to believe that he can voice out his needs without the worry of negative repercussions...Repercussions that he's been conditioned to believe are 'healthy'/'normal', and that it's him who is the issue (ewww...). As he has been unlearning that in the course of his arc, he is discovering that it is a basic right for him to have ownership over whatever he thinks and feels.

A major obstacle would be the guilt about leaving Flapjack behind: the worry that the more new things he tries out, the more morally wrong it would feel...because he is not commemorating Flapjack. There would be that fear that Flapjack is taking up less and less space in his thoughts. This is very common when it comes to bereavement. Luz's own version of this, playing out effectively onscreen, was the wave of fear and sadness she felt as she let go of the glyph sheet in the finale and let the wind carry it away. In the moments right after that, as Stringbean gave her the Azura hat to put back on, I'm sure she still had the fear of the unknown ahead. But she could also trust in herself to be able to brave that unchartered territory: together with her sweet palisman and her found family.

We don't know whether Hunter used the same method as Luz and carved an egg that would hatch on its own, or whether he really did make Waffles from scratch. Either way, he could still have Flapjack in his life in a new way: the Hexsquad's new tattoos, the palisman shop sign, Flapjack's gravestone.

But before he could enter that place in his heart and soul, he would first have to agree in both mind and heart that he wouldn't hear the happy chirps of his best friend ever again.

We see him still talking to Flap here:

whereby in his logical mind he can definitely see that Flapjack is gone...but emotionally (subconsciously) he is frozen, not yet able to feel in his heart that his best friend is gone.

And something to note is how quickly he interjected here:

when Gus was about to spell it outright that "Flapjack is gone"/similar sentence.

And Hunter himself couldn't directly name it. He has to skirt around it with "I already know", because it would hurt too much and be too frightening to directly describe what just happened.

I suspect this would sort of repeat over time: he may come across reminders in the human realm, as he tries to attend school, etc. For some time, he wouldn't want to hear it directly said that his best friend faded away. Because Flapjack was after all...slain by Hunter's own right hand. Hearing it would mean being retraumatized, potentially feeling as though the incident were repeating vividly, all over again.

Sometimes in grief, especially sudden loss via bereavement, it will be a long time before the grieving person can fully state, let alone see, that the one they lost isn't coming back.

The movie Big Hero 6 shows what it's like for its protagonist, a bereaved character, to hear himself verbally expressing the words that he can't avoid anymore: "[Name of the person I lost] is gone."

Plus sitting with the effects of doing so, without avoidance. Choosing to sit with the pain that has come to the surface, since it has been heard, since he has acknowledged that it's time to try something new instead of avoiding it or pushing it away.

Hiro hears himself telling Baymax (and also himself) that "Tadashi is gone", months after he has felt a deep sense of unrest from the loss of his brother. It's a beautiful scene because just a moment later, by accident, Baymax then plays a video log of Tadashi being himself and leading a meaningful life by working hard to help others. And Hiro is able to reach this new emotional place, seeing that beauty of the life his brother lived:

and Hunter will need time to reach this new mental space.

For some months, he'll have frustration, irritability and numbness - i.e. both hyperarousal and hypoarousal - shielding him. That is, until his heart is ready to allow whatever Hiro felt above, to enter and transform him. His own grief walk would have a different rhythm, since every loss in this world has the uniqueness of a fingerprint. But he would be hitting very similar story beats as Hiro's example above, in his recovery process.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Self-soothing:

Becoming familiar with this is going to help him ride the waves of emotions in a smoother way, as he alternates between hyperarousal and hypoarousal.

And when he feels loved or connects with his own personhood, he has visible nervous tendencies. You can see it when he twiddles his fingers while Luz gives him her attention in Hunting Palismen, and he touches his opposite shoulder and grins shyly in Any Sport in A Storm after Willow snaps the team photo, and you see him rub the left side of his face in Hollow Mind when he fondly looks back on inheriting his staff.

But the later example I wanted to show is him gripping at his left sleeve with his right hand here:

which happens just after Luz affirms him with "Can't blame you for being paranoid after everything we've been through".

C-PTSD flips your world upside down, as I mentioned earlier. The stuff that is good for him - in this case, having his emotions being affirmed - feels awkward and not natural yet. Feeling loved feels uncomfortable, instead of being naturally expected. So in fact, he tugs at his sleeve like this to self-soothe: because being listened to like this (Titan bless you, Luz!) is just that foreign to him. Over time, he'll discover more ways of self-soothing and can have a sort of toolkit ready to pull out whenever self-care is needed. And being actually loved won't be such a foreign experience for him anymore T___T

Below is an outline of C-PTSD from Medical News Today shows possible options for his treatment plan. The first is therapy itself, which I have touched on in quite a few of my metas:

Next, EMDR which is a focused and specific intervention technique: If he had his own version of Eda's scenes where she accepts the Owl Beast in Knock Knock Knockin' on Hooty's Door, that would be a great way of having this particular intervention playing out in an animated show with fantasy elements. The difference would be that a therapist would be present to guide him towards that powerful breakthrough.

And exposure therapy: This is a gradual exposure to any sensations that are similar to the horrible feeling of injuring his own palismen - so that Hunter can form new positive associations with those physical feelings in his hands.

He could help Camila in her vet as a good start, since many of those animals seem larger than palismen:

He can then try interacting with smaller-sized creatures. He could eventually play more often with his friends' palismen, and that would be a cute positive way to associate touching them and connecting with them with new memories beyond his one worst memory. After all, it's canon that they have tried reaching out to him i.e. Clover and Emmi following him around outside Eda's house.

Him borrowing Stringbean for flyer derby would be fantastic. When he starts carving lessons, Dell and Eda could be there as company to supervise him and give small demonstrations bit by bit. Even better, he could start out by just holding the wood with one hand while the other person performs the carving strokes with their hand. If Hunter is comfortable, his friends/family could sometimes hang out, watch with interest, and provide small but vital encouragements. He shouldn't be carving all alone, if there is the chance that he'd be retraumatized by spooky phantom feelings that feel like being possessed all over again.

He shouldn't be in the workshop alone until he has built up some new associations and is getting familiar with the strokes. But once he can, it's beautiful to imagine him making that space truly his own. By then, his self-soothing skills would be more polished.

In Part 1 of this little series, I talked about skills like containment and distress tolerance. He needs an environment where he is offered a balance of having his own autonomy and also a sense of safety. Sometimes, the line between those two things may become blurry e.g. me mentioning in this meta related to the grimwalker graveyard (link) that Camila and Darius may have to allow some room for him to "fall", and they'd fall together with him so he doesn't feel alone.

And as he forms closer bonds with new parental figures, his attachment style can change from disorganized attachment (which results from having a very unpredictable caregiver growing up...god, the stress in being a young kid in that environment) to secure attachment. This in turn will give his self-soothing skills a further boost.

This is where King comes in as a comparison:

He is a kid who is securely attached to their caregiver, and he has natural emotional responses to things that upset him or cross the boundaries he has put up. Instead of what Hunter has done for a long time i.e. repressing feelings to minimize harm done to him and to literally survive, along with the tendency to rationalize and intellectualize whatever upsets him, to create so much distance from the hurt that he can keep going.

King also has a good sense of personal autonomy and safety, thanks to the environment Eda raised him in. Eda's parenting style involves offering him choices, laying out the consequences for whatever choices he makes, yet unconditionally being there to protect and support him no matter how bad any past conflicts have been.

This screenshot above, showing him hugging her leg, is a foundational building block of good parenting and a healthy home. I hope Hunter gets to experience this at some level with Camila and Darius. Let him be a kid in his last few years prior to turning 18 T___T

And well...we have seen the impact that physical and emotional neglect has had on the Bad But Sad Boy: to the point that he has to reframe it as either a fun experience, or blame himself, in order to keep going. Because he wouldn't have been able to carry on if he was aware that his 'parent' had 100% bad intentions.

Perhaps the most jarring comparison between King and Hunter would be the non-verbal signs here:

King can be assertive, having his non-verbal body language be congruent with his choice of words: that he's firmly asserting himself and voicing his opinions, and I doubt he worries that Eda will cause him physical harm. His posture is tall and leaning forward. While Hunter...has to gather up immense courage to just say the words (the verbal element) while his non-verbal body language is telling us so much about the effort he's putting in to be assertive. He is shrinking into himself even as he utters those words.

King could flare up in anger and fight back, asserting himself, upon being traumatized in his Collector nightmare:

but it's not going to be this way when Hunter learns about the grimwalker graveyard...

The good news is: Hunter can still build up secure attachments with the adults in his found family whom he'll be spending the most time with. He needs it more than ever.

If Lilith - a kid who was emotionally neglected - began to feel worse after she left the Emperor's Coven:

with her long repressed painful emotions resurfacing and leaving her frightened, Hunter will go through similar as the memories of his past actions come flooding in.

The meadow where we saw Hunter carving a palisman in the finale...and any location which Dell works at, seem like they would be pleasant quiet places where anyone would feel soothed. In addition to getting more comfortable with the peaceful hopeful atmosphere of Dell's workshop, Hunter could bring his works in progress or any non-palismen creations to therapy, if he is willing to entrust the therapist with updates on how he's doing. That would be good because he'd have an additional safe space like that to share and bounce off his thoughts and ideas. Not just the space of friends/family, to do the same thing. All this is needed after years of Belos denying and dismissing any open sharing.

Last but not least, in the real world: grief and bereavement is being viewed less and less as a problematic condition to be gotten rid of, the more time passes. Which is a good sign! Because we shouldn't be expected to view mourning and remembering as a form of pathology.

Here is a tool that grief therapist and expert Dr. Joanne Cacciatore (author of a book called Bearing the Unbearable) came up with, for her clients:

It is a grief number line that doesn't pressure a client to even reduce how much they are grieving, and she lets any client have as many sessions as they want with her, to honour lost loved ones. Even if they keep coming to see her for many years. She focuses on honouring losses instead of viewing them as inconveniences or hurdles, and she doesn't even rely on the normal kind of healthcare model of setting up treatment plans. By doing this, no expectations are set for any sort of linear recovery from the pain of loss. Ultimately, she is trying to show that grief is natural, however painful it is.

The Owl House is a show with a central theme of remembering those whom we have lost, and the variety of ways in which the characters process those experiences. One of the last few scenes were 1) Luz's grief changing into a different form - I wouldn't say her grief was "reduced" - as she bid the Titan farewell and lost her use of the glyphs, and 2) around four years later, finding a new glyph from a whole new system, as King's own magical glyph system has recently awoken.

After Belos was gone for good, Hunter's life was no longer a big test in which he had his worth and survival determined by someone who had power over him. He has inherent worth, has always been good enough, and he can rest easy. Like what Luz experienced with her dad and Papa Titan, his relationship with Flapjack is changed and not lost. While remembering and honouring someone we lost can hurt, in and of itself those actions aren't "wrong".

[lobotomyd0ll]

Little Girl Lost

Getting sober from hard drugs, especially heroin really is like being reborn. I've spent years nodding off, numbing & forgetting. Each time you pull a plunger of the rig back you chip away parts of your identity... Until there's nothing left. I think that's why it's so hard to stay sober. When you realize you don't know who you are anymore it's terrifying. Your own thoughts and feelings feel foreign to you. So you run back to the one thing that feels familiar, even though its the very thing that put you in that predicament in the first place.

I've had a thousand different "personalities" before I stopped shooting up. All of them were failed attempts at trying to establish a life for myself that could never be lived because I was still killing myself on a daily basis. Each persona dying quicker than the last. It wasn't until I had spent years in therapy, without doing drugs that I finally got to know myself. People always tell you that they miss the person you used to be before you ever picked up substances. And so a lot of people strive to become the person they were before they became a junkie. The problem with that is that person is what lead you to selling your soul. The person you used to be was in so much pain they sought out a lethal relief from it.

The person you were before you got high is never going to come back. They were gone the minute you found out what it felt like to not feel at all. When you get clean you have to figure out how to live life again while trying to figure out who you are at the same time. And if you started doing drugs when you were a kid like I did, you never really had a chance to grow up either. Most addicts have some form of mental illness too. In my case I am bipolar. It took me years after getting clean to figure out who I truly am. I've been sober for 5 years now and it wasn't until about 1-2 years ago that I felt like I had finally "found myself." I hate the term "found myself" because its always used in such cliché examples, but if you are in recovery then you know that its the only way to describe what its like.

Every day I'm still finding myself. When you're in active addiction your only focus is getting drugs and doing drugs. In all that time you didn't do things that "regular" people did. You didn't explore different hobbies or watch tons of movies. You didn't binge watch your favorite tv shows or read books that changed your life. I'm not saying you never do those things while you're on drugs, but most people (like me) barely ever explore different interests because my main interest was heroin.

Now that I am sober and I am completely aware of who I am and what I love, I appreciate everything so much more now. My interests are not just interests anymore, they are my life line. My obsessions. My oxygen. I am autistic so I have a ton of special interests too, but all of my interests mean a great deal to me. Nowadays if i discover a song i like i will listen to it on repeat for 3 days. I will watch the same film 20 times in a row without getting sick of it. In my opinion, addicts never stop being addicted to something. I think us addicts will always replace drug addiction with an addiction to something else. It could be a lot of things or one big thing. It differs between different types of people. Heroin almost killed me and I wish I could take away all the pain and suffering it caused me and everyone around me, but in a weird way I am sort of thankful to have gone through it because of the way it has made me view life today.

I appreciate little things so much more than other people do. I enjoy video games that make me happy in a way that people enjoy going to an amusement park. My favorite books, characters, fictional environments and songs are all little pieces of who I am. I am so grateful for media. I'm so grateful to have constant access to it via my phone or television, etc. I love that I can write about it all I want to whoever is reading this blog. I'm not really sure with where I'm going with this post, I just wanted to share what was on my brain. I am currently trying out new forms of art and incorporating my interests into filmography, crochet, painting, etc. & I was thinking about how just 5 years ago I didn't even know I possessed the talent for some of these things. & How if I hadn't gotten sober I never would have discovered who I am. Getting sober is very freeing, but true freedom is knowing exactly who you are and embracing it. I used to try to shrink myself to make other people feel comfortable. My style was "too much" for them or the way I come off to certain people seems "weird." I decided actually pretty recently that I'm not doing that anymore. I shouldn't have to feel small because others want me to. I went through hell to discover who I am and I intend to be myself and do what I love and what makes me happy, unapologetically.

[illusionremember]

Writer's Journal #02

I mentioned this the other day, but I've made a second blog ( @sabookey ) that will center around writing. I'll probably keep any deeper discussion of my original projects mainly over there, but I'll reblog it here when that comes up.

Historically, I've struggled to feel comfortable talking about my stories, especially when they are WIPs. It's not that I'm afraid of hearing what people think. As a young teen, I saw a lot of people warning creatives off of sharing their OCs for fear of IP theft, and that really stuck with me. The more recent AI bull doesn't help with that kind of paranoia, either. But regardless, as I'm starting to dive into each of these projects more, the discomfort around sharing is something that I'm trying to let go of.

One project I'm currently working on though, is a fanfic I started toying with the idea of years ago — my Tremors!AU Supernatural fic. A few months ago I rewatched Tremors (always a fun movie) and the idea came back and this time I'm actually going forward with it. I haven't written fanfic in a very long time, but coming off of a long period of burnout and depression and recovery, where I'm trying to center my writing again, it helps to have something completely self-indulgent that I can just... play with.

Here’s some things I’ve loved lately, working on my current projects:

I'm just about done with the rough for the first three chapters of the SPN Tremors!AU, and hitting roughly 14,500 words so far, which has already exceeded my more modest goal of 10K words per month :D

I'm getting to write the first one-on-one scene for the romantic arc (which is honestly like a C-level subplot, but I'm a hopeless romantic at heart) and while I was having some trouble with it at first, once I got into their dialogue, it started to flow again. These characters make it so easy to write them connecting with each other on a deeper level than most.

I'm a big believer that learning happens best when you are experimenting and trying things out. That's proven true here - working on this project is really helping me learn more about pacing and balance.

I've talked about this a few times with friends and family, so some of you already know this, but this has been a game changer when it comes to how I do outlines and rough drafts. I always struggle with that part, but this feels... easy, for once. I'm trying hard not to put this project up on some kind of pedestal. Like sometimes in the back of my mind I'm like, if I can complete this fic, then I can apply what I've learned from it to my original works and it'll make every project work like a dream. Which is an impractical expectation to place, but... jfc this has been so much more fun and effortless. I'm also trying to remind myself that being a fanfic, there's a lot of workload lifted off my shoulders when it comes to fabricating a plot. But still.

I was able to talk through some issues I was having with one scene and character in chapter 3 (Thank you again to @alkalidumpling! <3 ) which was really nice because, as mentioned above, I often don't talk about WIPs. The fact that this was productive is very heartening!

I wrote a scene between two characters that really don't get a lot of interaction typically, in canon or in fic (at least, not ones I've read) and it was really fun because it pulls out a different dynamic for each than I think I'm used to seeing. Plus its kinda fun to have characters interacting where I don't have as much intent or stakes to pour into how their relationship needs to go - there's some freedom there that's very intriguing to me.

Feel free to respond or reblog and talk about the things you’ve enjoyed about working on your WIP! I wanna try and build more positivity around the creative process, and I’d love to hear what kinds of things other people are doing!

[azolitmin]

end of the year thoughts

Hello!

I swear I made another blog post recently but it looks like the last one I made was at the end of march phew. Anyways, I hope everyone’s been having a stress-free holiday season, enjoying themselves and hanging in there. 

I’ve included a longer version below so that I don’t take up too much space on people’s dashboards (or TL? what do we call the feed on tumblr nowadays?) but the short of it all is that my wrist pain has improved significantly since my last post, I’m going to work on opening a patreon and doing a lot of art projects in the coming future!

I figure I should make a little update related to my last post (wrist pain/pinched nerve) I’m still waiting to see a doctor for a full evaluation LOL but I did manage to buy a secondhand cintiq, shoutout to the guy on FB marketplace who didn’t scam me, it’s been amazing to draw with and has seriously helped alleviate a majority of the pain in my wrist/hand. I’m honestly having so much fun drawing with it I can’t believe I deprived myself of this for so many years LOL. I’m still working on taking adequate breaks/rest periods and strengthening my wrist which I also think played a huge part in my recovery. Anyways, I definitely feel more confident in taking on work now that I can draw for more than an hour without pain or even just the mental energy drain being in pain causes, yay!!!

Soo with that being said I am going to be working really hard on new art, I have a lot of projects I want to do in the future. Primarily a lot of OC stuff but a few fandom related things as well. I had a dream once that I spent 300$ in gachaphon trying to get every single catboy kurapika merch so I think this is a sign that I have to make a lot of catboy kurapika merch. I also want to make some batman related stuff and experiment with some new product types 🥺 definitely want to participate in some more conventions, I never made a post reflecting on my time at Sakuracon and AX but I had an amazing experience at both (as good as it can be during the panini). If you came by and said hi or bought anything from me during these times thank you so much!!!! It was really nice to talk to people who enjoy my art or chat about fandom stuff 😳

Other than merch and fandom related products I think I also want to finally get my patreon up and running, though it will be very low stakes (one tier for the foreseeable future). I’ve definitely gone back and forth on this since I have a big fear about letting people down. It’ll most likely be used for posting up sketches, WIPs, I might ask for feedback on what I should draw next or give art feedback if requested? I’m not the most skilled artist but I think I’m capable of a suggestion or two :^)!! And yes the whole twitter thing has definitely contributed towards me trying to make a serious attempt at patreon again...

The last thing I wanna say is thaaatt I am going back to art school to hopefully get my BFA, I’m halfway there, yay!! I really hope to learn new techniques/skills and improve a lot, even just typing this out is giving me a lot of excitement for the future haha.

I think that’s all I wanted to touch on without rambling on for TOO long LOL. Thank you for taking the time to read through this! 

[sunshinebuckybarnes]

can't lose you

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x female!reader

Summary: You and Bucky have never got along, after a rough mission when a mistake on your part gets someone hurt, Bucky can’t hold back.

Warnings: enemies to lovers, pet names (sweetheart), smut; unprotected sex. This blog is 18+ only. MINORS DNI.

Author's note: this has been sitting half finished for months and something gave me the urge to finish it today so here we are (word count: 2k)

You’ve been pacing around your bedroom for what feels like hours. You hadn’t meant for anyone to get hurt. Hell, everyone should have already been out of the building! But you hadn’t bet on Sam turning around when you didn’t make the checkpoint. You should have known he would have come looking for you. That’s just the kind of guy Sam was, fiercely loyal and never one to leave a man behind. 

The sound of Sam’s body hitting the floor played in your mind. Over and over again. The mission had been tough. You, Sam and Bucky were sent to save hostages from a Hydra base. You were tasked with clearing the rooms as Sam and Bucky assisted people to safety.

Your instructions from Sam were simple: once all the rooms had been checked, wait at the west entrance where Bucky would be waiting. 

Simple enough, but what you hadn’t expected was to hear a child crying whilst you were on the way out. You knew you had checked every room but you couldn’t live with yourself if you had missed someone, especially a child. So, you went back, explaining what was happening into your comms without realising they weren’t working and following the sound only to realise too late that it was a set-up. 

You were knocked to the ground before the fighting ensued. Always being one to hold your own in a fight, it wasn’t too much of a challenge against one person. You just hadn’t counted on your comms not working which led to Sam looking for you - regardless of Bucky’s protests.

To say you and Bucky had a turbulent relationship would be putting it lightly. From the moment the two of you met you were constantly butting heads. He didn’t trust you or your judgement, he thought you were reckless and inexperienced and he didn’t appreciate how you usually proved him wrong. For as stubborn as Bucky was, you were just as stubborn. 

But Sam, he trusted your judgement and he trusted your ability. So when you didn’t make it back to the checkpoint he knew there was a reason. 

One bad guy you could handle, but four? That was when things became difficult and that’s how Sam ended up getting shot. If it wasn’t for Bucky reluctantly trailing behind him and taking out all four men, you and Sam would most likely be dead. 

You sigh, sitting on the edge of the bed and dropping your head into your hands. You don’t know what you would do if Sam didn’t make it. The guilt slowly starts to eat away at you as you hold back your sobs. 

Your head shoots up at the sound of heavy footsteps in the hall before your door is slamming open and an enraged Bucky is storming into your room, still in his tactical gear.

“We have two rules on this team: never turn your comms off and always check-in. What the fuck happened out there?!” he yells, coming to stand in front of you. He stares down at you with a cold hard gaze.

“Is he okay?” you whisper.

“He’ll be fine, no thanks to you. The bullet missed anything major so he’ll make a full recovery. Seriously, what the fuck were you doing? Do you just enjoy not following the rules?”

"As I told you on the jet, the comms weren't working!" You spat, anger slowly taking over your guilt. 

"Yet you just had to play the big hero, didn't you?" He snarls back.

“Don’t start with me, Barnes,” you stand, shoving him with your shoulder as you move past him before he’s gripping your wrist and spinning you to face him again. 

“He’s my best friend and he could’ve died because of your recklessness,” he shouts, the veins in his neck threatening to burst, and then his face becomes hard, “because of how stupid you are, you could have died.”

“Like you care if I live or die, Barnes,” you scoff, ripping your wrist from his grip and turning away from him again. 

You don’t have time to get very far before he’s on you. Your chest is crushed against the wall as he pushes his body into your back. You can feel the hard ridges of his tactical vest pressing against you. 

“Well that would make things a hell of a lot easier, sweetheart,” he whispers in your ear.

Despite your best efforts, you can’t help the shiver that runs through your body and by the smirk you can feel against your neck you know he feels it too. 

You couldn’t deny that Bucky was attractive and it would be a lie if you hadn’t wondered what it would be like to have him between your thighs. You just never expected it to become a reality considering he never gave you the time of day if he could help it. 

Deciding to play him at his own game you push your ass back into his groin, biting back a moan at the feel of his semi-hard cock pressing into you. 

"Is that a knife in your pocket or are you just excited to see me?" you smirk to yourself.

You gasp when he spins you around, your back colliding with the wall.

"Shut the fuck up," he snarls, "don't you think you've caused enough trouble for one day?" 

You can't help but roll your eyes. Yes, you felt awful for what happened to Sam but you'd had just about enough of Bucky blaming you and acting like it was intentional. 

"Why don't you make me, Barnes?" You taunt, your eyes leaving his as you look away from his cold gaze.

Your eyes widen when his metal hand comes up and wraps around your throat, tilting your head up until your eyes meet. You can’t help the way your heart begins to pound - not out of fear, out of something more primal, lustful. 

“I told you to shut the fuck up,” he growls, his hand tightening slightly, having you bite back a whimper.

“And I told you, make me.”

Silence descends on the two of you as you stare at each other for a beat before Bucky’s lips are crashing onto yours. It takes you a moment to realise what is happening, to realise how good his lips feel against your own. 

Your hands come up to run through his hair, your fingers wrapping around the strands and tugging. 

Bucky groans against your lips before pushing his tongue into your mouth. He dominates the kiss with a ferocity that has you burning all over. Only pulling away when you’re both thoroughly breathless. 

The two of you stand panting and staring at each other, letting the weight of what just happened sink in. Your hands are still in his hair, his metal hand around your throat and flesh hand on your waist. 

"If I'd known that was all it took to shut you up I would have done it a lot sooner." 

You can’t fight the eye roll as you tug him closer to you, murmuring against his lips, “don’t ruin it by talking, Barnes.”

This kiss is less hurried than the first, more exploratory but the desperation remains. You both pull at each other, desperate to get as close as physically possible. Your hands tugging at Bucky's vest until he gets the hint and unbuckles it, you shove it down his shoulders before pulling his t-shirt over his head. Bucky’s hands come up to frame your face as he pulls you from the wall, stumbling backwards until the back of his knees hit your bed where he falls, pulling you on top of him. 

You move your legs to straddle his hips, grinding down on his now hard cock as his tongue continues to invade your mouth. He grunts into your mouth when he feels you grind on him. 

“No teasing, sweetheart,” he grunts, rolling your both until he’s on top of you, “I gotta feel you now, I’ll take my time with you next time.”

You try to ignore the way your heart skips a beat at the next time he lets slip but you don’t have much time to dwell on it as Bucky tears your leggings and panties down your legs before quickly undoing his belt and zipper, tugging his pants down just enough to release his hard cock. 

Your eyes widen at the sight of him, you can’t deny that it’s something you’ve thought about but you had wildly underestimated him. 

He lines himself up with your wet centre, lubing himself up with your arousal.

“Fuck, so wet for me,” he murmurs to himself. You can hear your blood pumping in your ears in anticipation.

"Bucky, please," you beg before he's pushing into you to the hilt, knocking the breath from your lungs.

You've never felt so full. All the nerves in your body feel like they're buzzing with electricity.

Bucky's fingers push your vest up, urging you to take it off. 

Once you're bare in front of him, the growl he lets out has any thoughts of insecurity leaving your head. You watch as his eyes roam your body, his eyes darkening as his hands take a harsh grip on your hips. 

The first movement of his cock against your walls has you shuddering. Bucky pulls out almost all the way before slamming into you hard. 

You choke on a moan as he repeats the action, setting a brutal rhythm as you try to keep hold of your sanity.

Bucky pulls your leg up, hooking it in the crook of his elbow as he leans his weight on you, his hips still snapping into you. 

The feel of his lips on your neck has your eyes rolling. He alternates between soft kisses and rough bites which have your head spinning. Whispers of I nearly lost you, fuck, can't lose you, fanning against your skin.

He rests more weight on his elbow as his flesh hand reaches your clit. 

You jolt under him at the sensation, breathy moans falling from your lips.

"Fuck, yes, Bucky please," you beg. Your eyes scrunch shut as the pleasure begins to overtake you.

His hips quicken and the feel of his cock hitting your g-spot has you seeing stars. 

You frame his face in your hands, pulling his lips to yours for a fierce kiss as you reach your high. Bucky swallows your moans, his hips stuttering as you clamp down tightly around him, drawing him closer to his end. 

Bucky bites your lips as he cums, his hips pushing into you as far as possible as you milk his cock. 

The two of you bask in the afterglow of your combined orgasms. Your skin sticks to one another as Bucky rolls onto his back, taking you with him and keeping his softening cock inside of you. The silence doesn't last too long as a giggle bubbles from your throat. 

“I thought you hated me,” you chuckle breathlessly, your cheek resting on his sweaty chest.

“I’ve never said I hated you,” he admits, his hand rubbing delicate patterns on your arm, “you scare me in fact because what I see as weaknesses are actually your biggest strengths. You’re compassionate, you’re kind, you see the best in people and you always try to do the right thing, and that scares the hell out of me because I can’t bear to see you get hurt.”

“Bucky,” you whisper, tilting your head to look at him.

“I know I’m terrible at showing how I feel. It’s just easier to pretend I don’t care, to keep things professional, but seeing you in danger like that, seeing Sam in danger, it just flipped something inside of me. For so long I wasn’t able to control who got hurt and now that I can and it still happens, it just tears me up inside.”

Bucky’s gaze is no longer on you, his eyes fixated on the ceiling as he bears his soul. 

You reach a hand up to rest your palm on his cheek, smiling as he nuzzles into your hand. 

“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” he whispers, his eyes flitting down to meet yours. 

“I’m sorry I scared you.”

He smiles before leaning down to plant a soft kiss on your lips, “maybe I’ll just have to keep you in bed forever.”

This was a little rushed and had been sitting stale for a while, so I hope it's okay 😂 thank you for reading! As always, comments and reblogs are support appreciated ❤️

[buckyownsmylife]

On my way - Bucky Barnes smut

The one where Bucky was your penpal and now he's here.

Warnings: military AU, smut, long-distance relationship, pen pals, oral sex (f), dirty talk, p in v, unprotected sex, cumplay.

Word count: 1.8k

A/N:  This one is a part of my kinktober celebrations. My original intention for this October was to work exclusively around prompts that my wonderful friend @darkficsyouneveraskedfor created for her challenge and dedicate each story to a different friend. My new plan became then 31 days of different kinks, which expanded on a poly relationship with Stucky, as you might know by now. However, some of the stories I started were already truly loved by me, and so I kept on writing them. It worked well because as it turns out, I am fortunate enough to have more than 31 friends on Tumblr, so here is the story I wrote for @tuiccim​. She’s a friend and an inspiration and I hope she’ll like this just as much as I hoped she would! Thanks to my lovely @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog​ for reading this over for me!

Dear Angel,

Your letters are all that keep me going now. The recovery process has not been easy, but it makes me smile to think that each day in pain is one less day until I get to see your face for the first time.

You have bewitched me. I cannot explain the power you have over me, even from a distance. I can only hope you’ll still want me when we do meet, despite every scar and missing piece in my body and soul. Although I have a feeling you will soon fill these pieces and make me feel complete again, like you’ve done to my heart.

Forever yours,

James

My heart pounded against my chest as I read over his words over and over again, like it always did whenever I went to check the mail and saw there was a letter from him waiting for me. Signing up for that online pen pal program so I could write to lonely people in the military, away from their countries so they could serve for our lives, was the best choice I’d ever made in mine.

Lord knows I was lonely too. And getting to know James - or Bucky, how he was called by his friends - had been the absolute highlight of my year. Over the last ten months, we went from strangers to friends and then… something else entirely. It was weird getting to know someone over actual letters, but not a bad weird. Just… different.

It was like getting to know their soul first, what they were really like instead of falling for the mask of a person you always end up seeing when out on first dates. Everyone wants to put their best foot forward, that is perfectly understandable, but when you are already miles away (and not intending to fall in love) the need for masks quickly disappears. You’re left with the very essence of the stranger you’re trying to meet.

And his essence was just perfect for me. He was kind, funny, smart, incredibly protective of his friends - the people he considered his family. He was lonely, just like me, but that hadn’t made him cold. No, instead of closing in on himself, he’d become attentive and understanding.

Everything I’d ever wanted in a partner. And for some reason, it seemed like he felt the same way about me.

Just as my thoughts became consumed with him yet again - a new habit ever since we started exchanging letters - a knock resonated through my apartment, snapping me out of my own mind, and then a slight jolt of fear consumed me. I wasn’t expecting anyone. Hell, I barely knew anyone in this overwhelming, big city - it was part of the reason why I decided to start looking for a penpal in the first place.

The knock resonated again, forcing me to do something about it. It could be one of the neighbors, in need of something. Even if we’d never exchanged a single greeting ever since I moved in, I suppose that was possible.

Cursing my landlord for not giving me a way to check who awaited me outside, I tried asking, “Who is it?”, only to be met with silence. So taking a deep breath, I decided to open the door at once.

And I was met with a hard chest, under a dark red Henley that was covered by a brown leather jacket. I looked up, up, up, until I found the brightest, sweetest blue eyes I’d ever seen, in a face that could only have been sculpted by the Gods.

“Hey, Doll,” he smiled, clutching the handle of his satchel. “Mind if I come in?” There was only one person who had ever addressed me as doll, even if I’d never actually heard him call me that.

For a few seconds, I just stood there frozen, looking up at the man I couldn’t believe was in front of me, clutching the door in the hopes it would keep me up.

And then I was in his arms. He caught me easily, huge smile taking over his face as his bag was abandoned on the floor, and he twirled me around while I grasped every part of him I could reach.

“What on Earth are you doing here?” I just couldn’t process it. He was really here. This was really happening. We both giggled in delight as his hands roamed over my body, apparently as touch-starved for me as I was for him.

How did his touch electrify me when I had never even seen him before?

“I got leave, I didn’t have anywhere else to go and the only place I wanted to be was here.” His voice was so different from what I’d pictured. It was even better, rough but warm, I felt like it was making its way inside my bones and melting to fill the empty parts of me.

“You made the right call,” I assured him once he looked up at me from under his eyelashes, obviously nervous about my reaction to him suddenly deciding to inhabit my life.

He smiled in gratitude and I did too. The excitement was palpable, but then it was silent. The heavy sexual tension, the need to have him was simply too much.

“God, just kiss me already,” I begged, pulling him by the shirt so our lips could meet, and even though he was surprised, he smiled in the kiss when he returned it.

“Fuck, you want this too, doll?” He asked, walking us into the apartment and kicking the door closed, his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath. “Please tell me that you do.”

I don’t know how he ever thought I could feel any differently. The need to have him was overwhelming, I could barely even speak. So I opted to nod eagerly, hoping he could see my enthusiasm in the way my fingers trembled as they reached for my own clothes and then his, leaving us naked for each other’s gazes to explore.

I’d been dreaming about this moment for so long, but now that it was here, I couldn’t believe it was really happening. I wanted to relish every second of it.

“Fuck, did you touch yourself while thinking about this?” He asked after he had deposited me in bed, making quick work of his shirt as I got out of my dress. “Because I did. I thought about you every damn night.”

The thought of him touching himself to the little that he knew of me, just as I’d done on this very same bed he was now climbing, made me hotter than nothing else.

“So many times,” I admitted. It wasn’t a lie. Even without knowing what he looked like, the memory of his words on the letters he had written me was enough to get me aroused - but not as much as the feeling of his calloused hands running over my body, playing me like a fiddle.

“I want to get you all dirty,” he warned, and my wanton moan was enough of a response to show him that I wasn’t against that plan at all. His body scooted further down the bed, hands pressing me open, exposing my slit to him, and I saw him lick his lips before he leaned over and licked me. “Oh, damn…” He whispered, making me even more breathless. “So sweet. Don’t think I can’t handle you, sugar.”

That pet name would be the death of me, I was certain of it.

I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his as he easily brought me to an earth-shattering release right onto his waiting tongue, lapping every single drop of my juices before nuzzling the lower part of his face against my cunt. Once he pulled away, he was the one dripping, and I licked my lips in need.

“I need to be inside of you now,” he warned. I’d never oppose that. The first time he tried pressing his member on me it slipped, rubbing against my clit, making me moan. He chuckled as he tried again, forcing the head of his member to breach my opening before he released it and let his hips do the work. “Fuck, you’re so tight,” he groaned, voice low and raspy and perfect.

“Can’t believe I’m here with you.” I couldn’t believe it either. That’s why I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him as he held my hands on each side of my head and began to drill his cock into me, prompting moans of pleasure to escape my lips like never before.

His own eyes never left my face either so maybe that’s how he noticed that I was holding back, biting down on my lower lip in an effort to contain myself somewhat.

He let go of one of my hands to grab my cheeks, burying his fingers on them. “Scream,” he ordered, voice serious and inciting shivers down my spine. “I can’t believe I get to know your voice now, and it’s so fucking perfect. I want you to scream for me.”

Needless to say, once he let go it was all I could do.

But who could really blame me? I was overwhelmed with the way his hips seemed eager to press against mine, and how his hands ran all over my body as he murmured to himself, “You belong to me now.”

It wasn’t an order or a question. It was only really a statement, a truth I couldn’t deny as he brought me to a release that was blinding and paralyzing, right as his hips began to lose their rhythm.

“And I belong to you,” he whispered as he approached his own orgasm. “You’re the only thing I’ve got now, sugar. I’m gonna take damn good care of you.”

I could barely even think, but I had no doubt in my mind about it - just from the way he had fucked me tonight. My cunt still clenched around his cock, trying to milk his orgasm, and I knew I was close to getting what I wanted from the way his breath hitched.

It was like he couldn’t stop talking, couldn’t stop praising me as he got closer and closer to spilling inside of me. “Good girl,” he panted, hands leaving my hips to find a hold on the headboard of my bed. “Such a good girl for me.”

His words had me shaking underneath him, right when his grip tightened and his whole body tensed, his cum filling me up, warming me from the inside.

He pulled away almost immediately, and I would have whined if he hadn’t replaced his now soft cock with two of his digits, pushing his cum back into me and keeping me plugged up. I could barely stay still, body instinctively squirming away from him because of the sensitivity, but he didn’t let me get too far.

“You got nowhere to go, angel,” he chuckled, eyes still stuck on where he was touching me. “You’re all mine now. All mine.”

[rookthorne]

𝗿𝗼𝗼𝗸𝘁𝗵𝗼𝗿𝗻𝗲’𝘀 𝗯𝗶𝗿𝘁𝗵𝗱𝗮𝘆 𝗰𝗲𝗹𝗲𝗯𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻!

the big day is here, my loves!

I am so excited to celebrate with all of you, and I have the perfect way to do so.

for my birthday I want to give back to the community that has given me so much; a sense of freedom, my creativity, my recovery, my motivation, and most importantly - the closest friends that I am beyond lucky to have from all over the world, or right next door.

just a massive promotional event where we can talk and share our favourites.

so, let’s begin!

the celebration will last 2ish weeks:

6th of August - 23rd of August

during this time, my ask box will be open (anon and named) to any and all of the following for the marvel fandom:

your favourite fics

your favourite blogs / writers / content creators (including graphics, gifs, videos, etc)

this is so you can gush about your favourite fics, authors, people, just really anything that you love as a reader or as a writer, or a creator.

you can also use it as a self promotion opportunity!

my personal favourite is of course Bucky! but I love Steve, Sam, Yelena, Wanda, and Carol fics too! I am also a huge Stucky shipper. bonus points if you send in any of those. 😉

this is not limited to tumblr - send in for wattpad and ao3 too!

I want you to tell me all about them, I wanna hear it all, I wanna know what makes you happy.

during the celebration I will be adding all of the suggestions to this post under the hype banner.

MINIGAMES

the traditional FMKiss, would you rather, send me a kink to rate, or this alternative to FMK! you can even ask me my opinion on literally anything Marvel.

All Marvel characters + Seb & Chris characters.

REQUESTS

I will take limited requests for the following;

oneshots / drabbles

headcanons

moodboards (make sure to tell me the aesthetic, era of the character, and colours you want)

Pick from these prompts, or send in your own;

Domestic Fluff | Fluff | Idiots in Love | Intimacy | I love you

you can also ask me to write in an established universe (Biker, Street Racer, Outlaw, Zombie), or request a new AU! otherwise I would take it as a modern!AU.

I only write for Bucky & Steve at this stage, but keep in mind you gotta give me a prompt or an idea! I will also put [CLOSED] once I’ve hit the limit! I will decline/delete any request that makes me uncomfortable - to avoid that I’ve done my best to pick the prompts I’m mostly comfortable with.

keep in mind if you send me a prompt and it’s not completed for this event, I will still post it when it’s over!

CLICK HERE FOR EVENT MASTERLIST

with all that being said, I cannot wait to celebrate and share all of the recommendations.

I am sending love to each and every single damn one of you. you have all been a part of my journey, whether your role has been small or big, you all mean so much to me.

thank you. 💗

Account Recs

@treatbuckywkisses and her moodboards • sent in by @itistimeforusalltodecidewhoweare!

Dreaming In June by @captainsimagines • sent in by @natbarnes1917!

series + completed

Alive for centuries, you’ve navigated this world in all its singularities, all its multitudes. You’ve avoided, intercepted, and learned the meaning of loss. At the request of an old friend who now happens to be the new Captain America, you move to a place that only vaguely feels peaceful, to secretly protect his best friend. There you meet Bucky Barnes, your next door neighbor, who has also lived countless lives, seen a lot of things, and lost the one he loved. You have more in common than you thought.

The Last Name by @demonpoxballad • sent in by @writing-for-marvel!

series + completed

There's one more name from the past bouncing around Bucky's head. One more scribble ripped from the pages of Steve's old book. Another person to make amends with. Except this one is different: he can't remember doing anything wrong. No murdering or enabling of evil plans. No threats or political conquests. In fact, Bucky can't remember much of her at all.

Requiem by @motsdouxdejanie • sent in by @writing-for-marvel!

oneshot

A fairy without her wings and a captain without his crew - two misfits manage to find each other in the cruel dark world that is Neverland.

where do we go from here by @barnesafterglow • sent in by @itistimeforusalltodecidewhoweare!

twoshot

when you agree to be bucky's date for his sister's wedding - and his fake girlfriend for the weekend - you're expecting a good time with your best friend. but things may never go back to normal

lane lines by sparkagrace on ao3 • sent in by @buckyismybicycle!

series + completed

Steve Rogers has spent his entire life swimming and now is poised to take the Wakanda 2024 Olympics by storm. The only thing he’s missing is a friendly rival to help get him there. Enter Bucky Barnes, who doesn’t seem to take the sport quite as seriously despite his raw and enviable talent. Steve hates him. Bucky doesn’t care. That makes Steve hate him more.

Author Recs

@howdoyousleep3’s Masterlist • sent in by @navybrat817!

literal Stucky heaven with the ever perfect daddy kink, need I say more?

@christywantspizza’s Masterlist • sent in by @navybrat817!

I am dying at the selection for Bucky here and EVEN MORE STUCKY 🤤

headers by me

dividers by @silkholland + @firefly-graphics

no pressure tags to some of my mutuals 💗 @thenhewaswrongaboutme @writing-for-marvel @buckyismybicycle @dilemmaontwolegs @marvel-3407 @woolfhoundsss @foreverindreamlandd @itistimeforusalltodecidewhoweare @natbarnes1917

[inevitably-johnlocked]

hey Steph, really adore your blog. I saw your ask about s3 and s4 John and his anger. do you have any pics that deal with that? I think his anger is caused by his jealousy. he loves Sherlock and is deeply insecure about S's love for him. I'd love to find some fics that actually deal with all of that. thank you. x

Hey Nonny!!

I DO!!! Been waiting for another ask to finally get this list up and out! Hope you find something you enjoy on this one! <3

ANGRY / CRANKY JOHN

See also:

Jealous John b/c of Other People

Jealous John

Jealous John Pt. 2 and Jealous Sherlock Pt 2 

Jealous John Pt 3 and Jealous Sherlock Pt 3 

Jealous John and Sherlock Pt. 4 

Jealous John and Sherlock Pt. 5

Texts and Tea by JillianWatson1058 (K, 959 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Texting, Humour, Fluff, POV John, Cranky John) – A John who is woken up at 2:30 in the morning is not a happy John. Sherlock, frankly, doesn’t care. He just wants his tea.

And, Usually, He's the One Who GIVES Me a Headache by Cumberbatch Critter (T, 1,315 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, POV John, Cranky John, Headaches, Head Massage) – A migraine is never fun.

Hallucinations can't open doors by Bespectacled dreamer (K+, 1,330 w., 1 Ch. || Reunion, Hurt / Comfort, Friendship, Hallucinations, John’s Wedding, Light Humour) – In which John gets married and Sherlock gets a broken nose.

The 3x John Carried Sherlock, and Once ViceVersa by ShinkonoKokoro (K+, 1,673 w., 1 Ch. || Fluff, Friendship, Three and One, BAMF John, Sherlock Whump, Worried Sherlock, John Gets Shot) – It happens more than he suspects.

Baskerville After Dark by Ttime42 (T, 1,921 w., 1 Ch. || THoB, Friendship, Humor, Bed Sharing, Missing Scenes, Cranky John, Cuddles) – John and Sherlock have to share a bed at Baskerville. Gen, but can be preslash.

Stay by sussexbound (M, 2,067 w., 1 Ch. || Post TAB, Suicidal Ideation Mention, Implied / Referenced Drug Use, Kissing, Love Confessions, Frottage, Coming in Pants) –  “Why? Why did you do it? Hmm…?” He takes a deep breath, waits, lets it out again. “Look at me.” There’s no denying him when he takes this tone. “Why did you kill him? Hmm…? For her? After…” A muscle twitches in the corner of John’s eye, and he clamps his jaw down tightly, swallows and sniffs a little before continuing. “For her? After everything she’s done?” “For you.” Before he can even stop himself. Just like that.

Denial Isn’t Just a River in Egypt by satanatemycat (T, 2,107 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Friendship, Texting, Bored/Cranky Sherlock) – In which John makes a bet with a co-worker. If he wins, she shuts up about him and Sherlock being a couple. If he loses… well, that doesn’t matter, because he won’t lose. Because he and Sherlock ARE NOT a couple. Right?

Nothing Left Untouched by ForeverShippingJohnlock (K+, 2,617 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Romance, Bed Sharing, Oblivious Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Grumpy John, Fluff and Cuddles) – Sherlock rearranges the flat. So what if John's bedroom is now a research library. It's not like John needs a bedroom, he can share with Sherlock. They're friends and John has obviously slept in close quarters with men before and it's not like Sherlock sleeps much anyway. It'll be fine.

Those Days by StillWaters1 (T, 2,663 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD / Sensory Attacks, Caring Sherlock) – If Sherlock had danger nights, then these were John's danger days.

Extraordinary by ardenteurophile (T, 2,739 w., 7 Ch. || Angst, Pining, Romance, Second Person POV Sherlock, Pre-Slash) – Sherlock tries to understand his preoccupation with one Doctor John Watson - the one case he can never solve.

BBCSH 'The Comfort of Company' by tigersilver (T, 2,769 w., 1 Ch. || Post-TRF/Mary, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Bed Sharing, Grumpy John, Touching, Clingy/Handsy Sherlock, Cranky Sherlock, Fluff and Light Angst) – It's a trope that John and Sherlock end up sharing in the same bed eventually and I admit I do adore it unconditionally, along with all it infers as to the lowering of defenses and the heightening of trust. I put forth for your consideration that the notion persists because those who think about these things realize these two men are each in dire need of some good company.

Unquantifiable by 221b_hound (M, 2,799 w. 1 Ch. || Est. Rel., Grumpy John, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Pet Names, Texting, Sweet Sherlock, Princess Bride References) – John remains a terrible and foul-tempered patient, but he does try to make up for it with pet names and text message silliness. In the meantime, Sally Donovan visits Baker Street for a hint about the Milverton case, and has to deal with a Sherlock Holmes who can't find words big enough to thank her for saving John's life at the warehouse. For afters, there's a viewing of The Princess Bride. Part 33 of the Unkissed series

Bathroom Accessories by Evenlodes_Friend (E, 3,324 w., 1 Ch. || Sex Toys, Butt Plug, First Kiss / Time, Romance, Horny Sherlock, John’s Patience Wears Thin, Humour, Bottomlock) – John discovers that Sherlock has been playing with some very adult toys in the bath.

After the Bombs by VampirePam (T, 3,337 w., 2 Ch. || THoB AU, Drugs, John’s PTSD, Panic Attack, Nightmares, Caring Sherlock, Cuddles, Bed Sharing, Angst, Hurt/Comfort) – In which the drugs Sherlock used to dose John trigger a severe episode of PTSD. When terrors old and new cause John to fall apart, Sherlock must rectify his mistake and pick up the pieces.

Breakfast, acronyms and brotherhood by Rose de Sharon (K+, 4,074 w., 1 Ch. || TBB Fic, Friendship/Bromance, Hurt/Comfort, Protective John, Fluff) – Set after The Blind Banker: my take of Sherlock and John's conversation over breakfast. S/J friendship, bromance, no slash.

Afghanistan in Baskerville by Amaya Ramiel (K+, 4,357 w., 1 Ch. || THoB Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Drugged John, PTSD / Panic Attack, Hallucinations, Worried Sherlock, John’s Past, Friendship) – What if John hadn't seen the hound when Sherlock trapped him in the lab? What if instead, his very real nightmares of the war had materialized all around him? Trapped and drugged, John can't tell what's real and what's not. How will Sherlock react?

What John Doesn't Know (Won't Hurt Him) by blueink3 (NR [T], 4,392 w., 1 Ch, || S3 Fix It, Pining Sherlock, Snippets of Life, Hurt/Comfort, Scars, Fluff and Angst, Five and One, Hopeful Ending, POV Sherlock) – Five people who see Sherlock's scars before John Watson. But Sherlock's secrets were never something he could keep from his blogger for long.

Overture by Kate_Lear (M, 4,435 w., 1 Ch. || First Kiss / Time, Friends to Lovers, Angry John, Introspection, Dev. Rel., Embarassed / Insecure Sherlock, Morning After, Bed Sharing, Cuddles / Limpet Sherlock) – A short snippet on how John and Sherlock might have got together.

When Your Belly's in the Trench by Morgan_Stuart (T, 4,743 w., 1 Ch. || PTSD, Character Study, Rescue, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Torture, Trauma, Danger, Drama, Kidnapping/Captivity) – The next time that door opens, John Watson will kill the person on the other side.

Given In Evidence by verityburns (M, 5,034 w., 19 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Angst, Drama, Case Fic, Romance, BAMF!John, Submissive Sherlock, First Kiss, Humour) – Coming back from the dead can be a complicated business. With a new case on the horizon, rebuilding a life is one thing... rebuilding a friendship quite another. For Sherlock and John, things may never be just the same...

This Year by DiscordantWords (T, 6,283 w., 2 Ch. || TEH Divergence / No Mary, New Year’s Eve, John’s A Mess, Jealous John, Awkward Conversations, Trapped in a Closet, Estranged After Return, John POV, Semi-Reunion, Angry John, First Kiss, Reconciliation, Clueless Sherlock, Happy Ending) – Last year, Sherlock Holmes showed up at the Landmark with a fake moustache and a bad French accent and threw John's entire life into disarray with two words: "Not dead." This year, there are more surprises in store.

An Interpretation of Viewing Habits by akitsuko (E, 6,653 w., 1 Ch. || Porn Watching, Masturbation, Anal, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss / Time, Declarations of Love, Jealous Sherlock, Fantasizing, John in Denial / Internalized Homophobia, Bottomlock, Pining Idiots, Sherlock Has No Boundaries, Cockblocking Sherlock) – John watches porn. It's a perfectly normal thing to do.If every video he watches happens to feature actors with remarkable physical similarities to his flatmate, well, that's no one's business but his own. Or: John is in denial, until his infatuation with Sherlock is impossible to deny anymore.

BANG by ElvendorkInfinity (T, 7,016 w., 3 Ch. || Post-TGG AU, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Worried / Scared Sherlock, Alternating POV, Whump, Hospital Recovery, Open Ending) – 'I should warn you,' Sherlock says, his voice steady and his eyes fixed on Moriarty. 'You are sadly misinformed.' And he fires. Prequel to M Is For Moriarty

Stranded by BeautifulFiction (T, 5, 798 w., 1 Ch. || First Kiss, Communication / Relationship Discussion, Pining Sherlock, Sherlock POV, BAMF John, Doctor John, Case Fic, Drinking, Huddling For Warmth, Friends to More) –  When stranded on a derelict barge at high tide, John and Sherlock reconsider their friendship.

London Gods by a_different_equation (E, 11,092 w., 5 Ch. || American Gods Fusion || Magical Realism, Sex Magic, True Love, PTSD John, First Kiss/Time, Marathon Sex, Sensuality, Genie Sherlock, Human John, Internalize Homophobia, Star-Crossed Lovers, Soul Mates) – Sherlock Holmes is a jinn who does not grant wishes. However, when Dr. John H. Watson, recently returned from the war in Afghanistan, gets into his cab by "accident", it might not even need magic to grant both men their deepest wish: love.

There's So Much Labour Just in Breathing Lately by Susan (E, 12,708 w., 1 Ch. || Post-TRF / Mentions of S3 Events, Romance, Angst, Grief/Mourning, Grieving John, Mutual Pining, Meddling Mycroft, Therapy, Ambiguous Hopeful Ending, Infidelity) – The dreams he hated most – the ones that left him a sweating, shaking mess when he woke – were the ones in which Sherlock was just Sherlock. Laughing or drinking tea. Sitting across the table from him at Angelo’s eating pasta. Trailing his open hand behind him on the way to the bedroom. “C’mon, John. I’m about to have my way with you.”

Shuteye Shenanigans by Ayakae (K+, 13,263 w., 8 Ch. || Post-TRF, Friendship / Epic Bromance, John’s Nightmares, Angsty Fluff, Bed Sharing, Humour, Cuddles, Taking Care of Each Other, Domestics) – John Watson has never slept with Sherlock Holmes. Never ever ever. And never will, thank you very much. Well, there was that one time, but John didn't count that. It was completely different, just like the second time it happened. And the third. And the fourth. Epic bromance, but it can be read as pre-slash if you wish.

The Palmyra Atoll by elwinglyre (E, 16,609 w., 3 Ch. || TSo3 Divergence / Episode Fix-It, Stockholm Syndrome, Kidnapped John Watson, John Whump, Evil Mary, Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Toplock, Limited 3rd John POV) – As John's preparing for the wedding, Sherlock is preparing to have his heart broken, and Mary is prepared to do the unthinkable. Intervention required. Enter Sherlock. Set before Sign of Three with a far different outcome. John is drugged, kidnapped, and left on an island, but not just any old island.

Wonderful, Etcetera. by VictoryCandescence (T, 16,955 w., 3 Ch. || Wonderful Life AU || Alternate Timelines, Brotherhood, Homophobia, Suicidal Ideations, Mentions of Drug Use, Friendship, Different TRF, Sherlock’s Past, Victor Trevor is Past Boyfriend, Depression, Hallucination?, Love Confessions, Christmas, First Kiss) – Sherlock thinks everyone would be better off if he had never existed, including and especially himself. When he finds himself in a world in which his wish has been granted, he begins to think perhaps even he could be wrong – but it takes an unlikely chaperone to make him not only observe, but understand.

I Think I've Come A Long Long Way To Sit Before You Here Today by ArwenKenobi (T, 18,251 w., 3 Ch. || Grief/Mourning, Passage of Time, Major Character Death, Alternating POV, Sherlock Whump, Pining Sherlock, Hospitalization, Coma, Revenge Murders, Hallucinations, Love Confessions, Brutal Accident, Mystrade, Ghost John) – One year after John is killed Sherlock starts to wonder whether John has actually gone anywhere.

Out of the Woods by SilentAuror (E, 20,471 w., 1 Ch. || Post S4, Romance, Slow Burn, Flirting, Drunk Sex, Practical Jokes, POV Sherlock, Bottomlock, Possessive John, Pining Sherlock, Frustrated Wanking, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, First Kiss/Time, Virgin Sherlock, Love Confessions, Soft Sherlock, Dancing, Bum Appreciation, Hanging out with the Yard) – Sherlock is fairly certain that John has taken to flirting with him of late, but can't be entirely certain of it. At least, not until a case takes them into a forest, along with Lestrade's team and something happens that will change everything about their lives...

A Quiet Life by DiscordantWords (M, 25,176 w., 6 Ch. || Post S4, Retirement, POV Sherlock, Awkwardness, Established Relationship, Family Dynamics, Minor Character Death, Questionable Parenting Choices, Non-Linear Narrative, 20 Year Old Rosie, Meddling Mycroft, Pining Sherlock, First Kiss, Love Confessions, Angst, Sherlock Whump) – There had been three days of silence and a funeral. Sherlock had the terrible feeling that whatever happened next would depend, entirely, on him.

To Mend Icarus by AlessNox (T, 28,347 w., 14 Ch. || Post-TRF / Pre-S3 Divergence, BAMF John, Anger, Fighting, Sex, Bed Sharing, Stalking, Case Fic, John’s Past, Introspection, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Crime, Mythology, Darkness) – After a case lands John Watson in court, he tells Sherlock that he is leaving. Not understanding why, Sherlock decides that the only way to learn the truth is to investigate his flatmate, Dr. John Watson. Sherlock finds that coming back is not enough to fix all of the damage that he caused by leaving. A post Reichenbach, post reunion re-discovery fic.

Hellfire by testosterone_tea (E, 28,596 w., 9 Ch. || Fantasy / Magic / Mages / Elementals AU || Mage Sherlock, Elemental John, Developing Relationship, Torture, Powerful / BAMF John, POV Alternating, Dark / Blood Magic, UST, First Kiss) – Sherlock is a Mage that gets involved with a case involving Dark Summoning rituals, leading him to John Watson, a man with Berserker blood. The only thing is, Berserkers have been extinct for centuries. And of course, nothing involving Mycroft and his interfering ways is ever simple. This time, even Sherlock may have bitten off more than he can chew.

A Home for Us by sussexbound (M, 30,581 w., 12 Ch. || Scars, Bedsharing, Grief, Doctor John, Hurt/Comfort, Post-TRF, Implied/Referenced Torture, Sherlock POV, Pining Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation, Heavy Emotions, Clingy Sherlock, Hallucinations, Disassociation, Emotional Turmoil) – He has been on the road for two years, and he is exhausted. He’s almost accepted that he will never see London (John) again—almost. But then there are nights like tonight, where he is weak, and all he can think of is the warmth of the flat they once shared, the crackle of the fire in the hearth, the teasing smile playing at the corner of John’s lips, the boxes of half-eaten Chinese takeaway balanced precariously in their laps. He aches at the memory of it, at the realisation that it is something he may never experience again.

carrying up his morning tea by darcylindbergh (E, 34,504 w., 5 Ch. || Post S3, Minor Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Wakes/Funerals, Estranged John, Pining Sherlock, Depression/Insecurity, Slow Burn, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Chronic Pain/Injury, Reconciliation, Awkwardness, Loneliness, Scars, Angst With Happy Ending) – His fingers tremble as he dials and he can’t force them steady. Familiar number, even though he hasn’t used it in two years. He isn’t even sure he should be calling it now, but she’d asked. She’d made him promise.

(Never) Turn Your Back to the Sea by DiscordantWords (M, 39,968 w., 7 Ch. || Post S4 Fix It || Grief / Mourning, Victor Trevor, Friendship, Sherlock is Not Okay, Nightmares/Flashbacks/Panic Attacks, Parentlock, Pining Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, John Comes Home) – Baker Street is very much the same. Only different. And Sherlock is just trying not to drown.

Only To Be With You by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John (M, 40,768 w., 4 Ch. || Black Mirror / Future AU || Character Death, Future Technology, Sickness/Cancer/Illness, Heavy Angst with Happy Ending, First Person POV John, Pining John, Heart-Wrenching Angst) – I tell myself that next time I’ll come near this same place again. Wait around for the mysterious stranger in his coat to dash past me, hot on the heels of a new criminal in black. I think this all the way back to my Exit, planning where I’ll wait and what I’ll say when I see him. Scheming on how to get his name. It’s only once I reach the Exit Point door that I realize two hours and forty-five minutes have passed, and I realize that this won’t be the last time I Visit. It won’t be the last time at all.

Guidelines by WithLoweredVoices (M, 43,018 w., 15 Ch. || Winglock || Angels, Fantasy, Angst, BAMF! John, War, Jealous Sherlock, Possessive Sherlock, Jealous John, Falling in Various Ways) – The Good Soldier, one of the oldest and strongest of the fallen, is offered a bargain: to live as John Watson and to Guide a fledgling archangel so that he will stay on the path of good. Of course, Sherlock Holmes has different ideas about his destiny. Fantasy AU. Warnings for violence, occasional gore, and a whole load of hurt and angst.

The Real Great Perfumers by shelleysprometheus (E, 45,355 w., 68 Ch. || Case Fic, Alternating POV, Gay Sherlock / Bi John, Canon Compliant with Divergence at TRF, Friends to Lovers, Oral / Anal, Pining, First Kiss / Time, Dev. Rel., Drugging, Body Worship, Bathing, Love Confessions, Travelling, Bottomlock, Cranky Sherlock, BJ’s, Alternating POV, Jealous John) – The case, this case. This extraordinary, fascinating, scintillating case. A house. Designed entirely by its eccentric owner, built by no less than five hundred expert tradesmen in the heart of Marrakesh. A house that had, seemingly not only driven its owner out, but also to his quite unpleasant death. And a perfumer, a chemist no less, the very thought of the secrets that house could reveal, would reveal was irresistible. Sherlock had to have this case ... and it seems, he also had to have John! Part 1 of the Forethought and Fire series

Inscrutable to the Last by DiscordantWords (M, 48,842 w., 6 Ch. || Post-TRF, Alternate S3, John’s Blog/S3 is a Story By John, Divorce, Marital Difficulties, John is a Mess, Emotional Reunion, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Grief / Mourning, Pining John, First Kiss, Adorably Clueless Sherlock, Nostalgia, Love Confessions, Eventual Happy Ending) – He wasn't Sherlock, he couldn't work miracles. All he'd ever been able to do was write about them.

Impossible to Feign by achray (M, 49,204 w., 12 Ch. || TRF Rewrite / Reverse Reichenbach, Suicidal Ideations / Discussions, Drug Use/Abuse, Mutual Pining, Friends With Benefits, John Accepts his Sexuality, Anxious Sherlock, Meddling Mycroft, Depression, Hallucinations, Secret Agent John, BAMF John, Reunion, Make-Up Sex, Ambiguous Ending) – Sherlock leant forward, his long fingers curving round to grip John’s.“I won’t let him win,” he said, eyes hard. “I will do whatever it takes to get you out.”

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse by SilentAuror (E, 50,635 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S4/S4 Divergence, Case Fic, For a Case / Reverse Fake-Relationship, Conferences, Marriage Equality, Travelling / New York, Pride, Homophobia, Bottomlock, Marriage Proposal, John POV, Sexuality, Love Confessions, Emotional Love Making, Public Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, Passionate Kissing, Needy/Clingy Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Touching / Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, Little Spoon Sherlock, Intense Orgasms) – John and Sherlock go to New York to attend a conference run by the National Defence of Traditional Marriage Coalition in order to investigate the potential bombing of the annual Manhattan Pride parade. As the conference unfolds, John finds himself repulsed by the toxic ideology being presented, which becomes relevent to his own unacknowledged issues and his friendship with Sherlock...

Repairing the Broken Things by BakerTumblings (M, 75,252 w., 15 Ch. || S4 Compliant, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Trauma, Hospitals, Big Brother Mycroft, Misunderstandings, Realizations, Severe Accident, John Whump, Pneumonia, Medical Procedures, Bed Sharing, First Time, Healing, Happy Ending) – "I'm calling today to notify you that there's been an accident."

The Hollow Woman by ScopesMonkey (M, 51,335 w., 22 Ch. || Post-TRF, Major Character Death, Mystery, Romance, Friendship, Family, Angst, Crime, Reunion, First Kiss / Time, Nightmares, Doctor John, Jealous Sherlock, Jealous John, BAMF John, Angry John, Dub-Con, Rough Sex, Bottomlock, Possessive John, Villain Mary, Open Ending) – Forced to return to London sooner than expected, Sherlock falls into a case too close to home. Part 1 of the Hollowverse series

A Goose Quill Dipped in Venom by Polyphony (M, 52,748 w., 16 Ch. || Celebrity John AU || Alternate First Meeting, TV Host John, Supermodel Mary, Character Death, Mystery, Romance, Case Fic, First Kiss/Time, Meddling Mycroft, Drug Abuse, Doctor John, PDA, Deductions, POV Sherlock, Toplock, Sexual Tension, Angry/Rough Sex, Hopeful Ending, Asperger’s Sherlock) – Sherlock Holmes, consulting detective, is called in to a very ordinary although brutal murder. Something is badly out of tune with the whole scenario and Sherlock finds himself becoming more and more obsessed with the crime - and also with the victim.

Points by lifeonmars (E, 53,791 w., 42 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || HLV Rewrite / Canon Divergence, Married Life, Pregnancy / Baby Watson, Drinking to Cope, Boxing / Fisticuffs, Clueless John, Angst, Minor Medical Drama, Tattoos, Christmas, First Kiss/Time, Eventual Happy Ending, Love Confessions, Doctor John, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Case Fic, Drugging, Blow/Hand Job, Emotional Love Making, Parenthood, Passage of Time) – What if His Last Vow never happened? This fic picks up a few months after John and Mary's wedding, in an alternate universe where Magnussen doesn't exist, but Mary is still pregnant. Life continues -- just in a different direction. And slowly, Sherlock and John find their way to each other.

Never Change a Running System by Lorelei_Lee (E, 54,246 w., 18 Ch. || Pre-TRF, Romance, Humour, Drama, Sex Toys, Anal, Rimming, Masturbation, Frottage, Blow Jobs, Public Sex, First Kiss / Time, Virgin Sherlock / Loss of Virginity, Accidental Voyeurism, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Experiments, Naive Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Possessive Sherlock, Straight With an Exception John, Hand Jobs) – Sherlock discovers his sexuality – with far-reaching consequences for John.

Albion and the Woodsman by Glenmore (NR [E], 54,437 w., 50 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post S3, Parentlock, Pining Sherlock, Angst, Family, Drug Use, Depression, Sherlock POV, Light Humour, Reconnecting, Declarations of Love) – Sherlock and John are devastated after Mary Morstan makes her final moves. Sherlock relapses at the crack house, John walks around the world … and a lot happens in between. Parentlock, in the good way.

The Thing Is by TSylvestris (E, 56,743 w., 21 Ch. || Case Fic, Dev. Rel., Anal/Oral, Blow Jobs, Meddling Mycroft, Drama, Romance, Humour, Casual Encounters, Pining Idiots, Possessive Sherlock, Orgasm Delay, Rough / Alley Sex, Public Sex, John Whump, Drugged John, Emotional Love Making, Awkward Relationship, Marriage of Convenience, Switchlock) – The problem with living with Sherlock, John thought, was that you never, never, ever knew the significance of anything. Like your flatmate's nose buried in your hair. Whilst you're in bed. Part 1 of Nitroglycerine

Lunar Landscapes by J_Baillier (M, 57,046 w., 21 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || S3/TAB Fix-It, Slow Burn Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Confessions, Drugs, Pain, Medical, Injury, Sherlock Whump, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Romance, Secrets,  Tragedy, Trauma, BAMF John, Doctor!John, Drug Addict Sherlock, Injured Sherlock, Grieving John, Idiots In Love,  Protective John, POV John Watson, PTSD Sherlock, Sherlock is a Mess, Medical Realism) – An accident forces John to face the fact that Sherlock's downward spiral had started long before his flight to exile even left the tarmac.

The Bells of King's College by SilentAuror (E, 64,019 w., 5 Ch. || Post-S4, Missed Opportunities, Angst with Happy Ending, Fake Relationship, Case Fic, John POV, Jealous John, John in Denial, Travelling / Holidays, Virgin Sherlock, Wedding Proposals) – It's only been two weeks since Eurus Holmes disrupted their lives when Mycroft sends John and Sherlock to Cambridge to pose as an engaged couple at a wedding show in the hopes of solving six unsolved deaths...

Hell Sent, Heaven Bound by ConsultingHound (M, 64,381 w, 16 Ch. || Angels / Demons AU ||  Fallen Angel Sherlock / Angel Cop John, Alternate First Meeting, Slow Burn, Case Fic, John & Lestrade are Friends Before Sherlock, BAMF John, Mind Palace John, Friends to Lovers, John in Denial, Sherlock Picks Out John’s Clothing, Clubbing / Dancing, Mildly Jealous John, Awkwardness, Kidnapping, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Sacrifice, Worried / Anxious Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Immortal to Mortal) – Ex-War healer and current angelic guard John Watson is not having the best day. He overslept, he’s underpaid, and now there’s someone tagging the Council’s building walls. However things may be about to get interesting: there’s an unusual stranger hanging around (the definition of tall, dark, and handsome), a literal underground cult is brewing, and rumblings are coming from hell. Can he keep his neighbourhood safe, how and why is he being connected to all this, and who the hell is Sherlock Holmes?

White Knight by DiscordantWords (M, 69,840 w., 13 Ch. || S4 Compliant/Post S4, Marriage For a Case, Jealous John, Pining John, Janine / Sherlock Fake Relationship, Serial Killers, Case Fic, Undercover as a Couple, Weddings, John is a Mess, Misunderstandings, Wedding Planning, Jealousy, Drunkenness, Love Confessions, Angst with Happy Ending) – Green. The word green was used to convey a great many things. Illness. Envy. Inexperience. Standing there amidst Janine's chattering bridesmaids, watching Sherlock furrow his brow and study fabric swatches, watching him smile and simper and flirt, John thought it a remarkably apt colour choice. Because he felt quite sick to his stomach, he feared the source of said sickness might very well be jealousy, and he had absolutely no idea at all what to do about it. Or: Sherlock needs to fake a relationship for a case. He doesn't ask John.

Just To Hold You Close by sussexbound (E, 70,841 w., 18 Ch. || Alternate First Meeting, Sherlock POV, ASD Sherlock, PTSD John, Demisexual Sherlock, Bisexual John, Cuddling/Snuggling, Platonic Cuddling, Enthusiastic Consent, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, First Kiss/Time, Sexual Tension, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Cuddle Negotiations, For a Case Until It Isn’t, Hair Petting, Sexual Negotiation, Anxiety, Trust Issues, Slow Burn, Panic Attacks, Frottage, Hand/Blow Jobs, Referenced Self Harm / Abuse / Suicidal Ideation, First Kiss/Time, Anal) – When a woman is murdered and the last person to see her alive is recently invalided army vet turned reluctant (and prickly) professional cuddler, John Watson, Sherlock Holmes is pulled into a world of intimacy and intrigue he never could have imagined. John is a conundrum and mystery: frank yet reserved, tender yet angry, open yet afraid. Sherlock is instantly drawn into his orbit, and begins to feel and desire things he never has before.

The Vapor Variant by 88thParallel (CanadaHolm) (M, 72,684 w., 18 Ch. || Post-THoB, John Whump, Protective Sherlock, Guilty Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD John, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Suspense, Virus, Sickfic, Big Brother Mycroft) – They stood face to face in the middle of a clearing. The dim light of the moon barely allowed Sherlock to see the glassy terror in John’s eyes and the sweat that glistened off his forehead. His nose was bleeding again, blood dripping in a slow stream from his right nostril. They were both gasping for air, John’s eyes locked on Sherlock’s. There was no recognition there, just wild animal fear. Time stood still for an eternal few seconds, and Sherlock took a shaky breath. “John—”Spell broken, John spun and bolted back into the woods. Still heaving for air, Sherlock took off after him.

The Monument of Memory by J_Baillier (M, 79,663 w., 14 Ch. || Post S4 Fix It Fic / S4 is Canon, Angst, Family Drama, Guilt, Case Fic, John Loves Sherlock, Complicated Feelings, Mentalism / Hypnosis, Murder, Grieving John, Sherlock is a Bit Not Good, Team Work, Trust Issues, BAMF John, Psychological Trauma, Protective John, Autistic-Spectrum Sherlock, Parentlock, John POV) –  A genius traumatised by a past he's only beginning to recall. The psychopath sister that time forgot. A missing woman and a mentalist who may or may not be a murderer. And, in the middle of it all, stands John Watson.

Thermocline by J_Baillier (M, 83,557 w., 14 Ch. || Scuba Diving AU || Adventure, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Marine Archaeology, Asexual Sherlock, Horny John, Relationship Drama, Technical/Scuba/Wreck Diving, Slow Burn, Underwater /  Medical Peril, Doctor John, Hurt Sherlock, Anxious Sherlock, John POV, Protective John, Body Appreciation) – John "Five Oceans" Watson — technical dive instructor, dive accident analyst and weapon of mass seduction — meets recluse professor of maritime archaeology Holmes. As they head out to a remote archipelago off the coast of Guatemala to study and film its shipwrecks for a documentary, will sparks fly or fizzle out?

Not Broken, Just Bent by Schmiezi (E, 87,585 w., 43 Ch. || Pining, Love Confessions, Rape/Sexual Assault, Torture, Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Villain!Mary, Suicidal Ideations, Main Character Death, Sherlock First Person POV, Parentlock, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Grief/Mourning, Emotional Love Making, Possessiveness, Depression, PTSD, Kidnapping, Virgin Sherlock, Eventual Happy Ending) – "For a second, I allow myself to remember teaching John how to waltz. There is a special room in my mind palace for it. A big one, with a proper parquet dance floor. For a second, I go there. I remember holding him, closer than the World Dance Council asks for, excusing it with the fact that we are training for a wedding, not for a competition. For a second, I feel his hand on mine again, smell his sweat, hear the song we used. For a second, I allow myself to love him deeply. For a second, only a second, that love reflects on my face." Fix-it for S3, starting at the end of TSoT. Evil Mary.

Kintsukuroi by sussexbound (E, 91,823 w., 20 Ch. || S4 Compliant / Post-TLD, Grief / Mourning, PTSD, Internalized Homophobia, Therapy, Past Abuse, Alcohol Abuse, Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Anxiety, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, Cuddling, Suicidal Ideation, Masturbation, Minor Character Death, Sexting, Frottage, Inexperienced Sherlock, Rimming / Anal / BJ’s, Emotional Turmoil, Finding Each Other) – “I love you.” Sherlock sees the words hit John with almost physical force. He reels back a little, jaw twitching and eyes filling. “I love you,” he repeats, a little softer, a little more gentle, as earnest as he possibly can. Because they’ve been teetering on the brink of this thing for years, and it had become painfully obvious over the last few months that they were at a tipping point. This had to happen. Now it has. Now they can see where they end up. The tears in John’s eyes spill over, and he wipes at them angrily. “Do you even know what that means?”  

The Summer Boy by khorazir (T, 94,706 w., 6 Ch. || Post S3/Post TAB/Alternate S4, Friends to Lovers, Asexual Sherlock, POV Sherlock, Flashbacks, Bullying, 1980′s Kid Sherlock, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Inexperienced Sherlock, Grief/Mourning, Pining Sherlock, Case Fic, Sherlock’s Past, Awkward Conversations, Anxious Sherlock, John Separated From His Child) – About half a year after the fateful events at Appledore, Sherlock and John embark on a private case in Sussex. For Sherlock, it’s a journey into his past, bringing up memories both happy and sad that he has locked away for almost thirty years. For John, it means coming to terms with the present – and a potential future with Sherlock. Part 1 of the The Summer Boy series

Northwest Passage by Kryptaria (E, 95,157 w., 27 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Canadian AU ||  BAMF!John, Canadian John, PTSD, Anal / Oral Sex, Rimming, Emotional Hurt / Comfort, Drug Rehab, Falling in Love, Pining Sherlock, Love Confessions, Sherlock’s Violin, Panic Attacks, Switching, Anxious / Protective Sherlock, Hugs for Comfort, Suicide Mentions, Healing Each Other) – Seven years ago, Captain John Watson of the Canadian Forces Medical Service withdrew from society, seeking a simple, isolated life in the distant northern wilderness of Canada. Though he survives from one day to the next, he doesn't truly live until someone from his dark past calls in a favor and turns his world upside-down with the introduction of Sherlock Holmes." Part 1 of Tales from the Northwest

The Cost of a Wish by slashscribe (E, 102,493 w., 12 Ch. || xxxHolic Fusion || Spirits / Ghosts and Magic, Love Confessions, Slow Burn, Soul Mates / Fated Lovers, Adventure, Immortal Sherlock, Powerful John, POV John, Frottage, Wish Granting, Angst with Happy Ending, Nightmares) – John has been plagued by a secret his entire life that has made him feel hopeless until he meets a mysterious, seemingly omniscient man named Sherlock Holmes who owns a wish-granting shop. Their meeting sets off a series of inevitable events that will change the course of both of their lives forever.

Two Two One Bravo Baker by abundantlyqueer (E, 114,574 w., 27 Ch. || Military AU || Afghanistan, War Story, Thriller) – Captain John Watson of 40 Commando, the Royal Marines, is assigned to protect and assist Sherlock Holmes as he investigates what appears to be a simple war atrocity in Afghanistan. An intense attraction ignites between the two men as they uncover a conspiracy that threatens everything they’ve ever known, but Sherlock is as much hunted as hunter, and everyone close to him is in deadly danger. Can he solve the case in time to save himself and John? Part 1 of Two Two One Bravo Baker Universe

A Further Sea by i_ship_an_armada & ShinySherlock (E, 125,492 w., 23 Ch. || Historical Pirates AU || Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Doctor John / Pirate Captain Sherlock, Sailing, UST / RST, Masturbation, Action / Adventure, Mild Angst & Peril, Romance, Shaving, Molly/Janine, Bottomlock, Past Drug Use, Slow Burn, Mild Violence, Happy Ending) – Here be a tale of adventure for both body and soul, but beware if ye be not of stout heart, for this be piratelock, ya savvy? Luckless ship's surgeon John Watson takes a chance, and finds himself eye to eye with The Ghost, the scourge of the seven seas and a definite thorn in the side of the blaggard, James Moriarty. But when John finds there's more to this most cunning pirate than be meetin' the eye, he has to choose... is it a pirate's life for him?

The Bang and the Clatter by earlgreytea68 (M, 137,049 w., 37 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Baseball AU || Slow Burn / Dev. Rel., Possessive/Obsessive Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Mutual Pining, Body Appreciation, Depression, Closeted Sexuality, Family, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Ogling Each Other, Anxious Sherlock, Panic Attack, Drunkenness, Talk of Forever, Big Feelings™) – Sherlock Holmes is a pitcher and John Watson is a catcher. No, no, no, it's a baseball AU. Part 1 of Baseball

The Adventure of the Silver Scars by tangledblue (NR [M], 142,458 w., 41 Ch. || S3 Fix-It, Post-HLV/ Post-TAB / Canon Compliant, Case Fic, No Baby, Angst, Humour, UST, Slow Burn, Angry John, Reconciliation, Not Nice Mary / Leaving Mary, Dependent Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Caretaker John, Fist Fights, It’s An Experiment, Virgin Sherlock, Dancing, Drugging, John Whump, Pet Names, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Scars) – It’s been thirteen months since Mary shot Sherlock and John finds he’s still pissed off about it. Sherlock had thought everything was settled: John and Mary, domestic bliss. But when John turns up at Baker Street with suitcases, the world’s only consulting detective might not be prepared for the consequences. A new case. Some old scores to settle. Certain danger. Concertos, waltzes, and whisky.

The Lost Special: Family Matters (As Do Relationships) by ShirleyCarlton  (M, 144,688 w., 40 Ch. || S4 Fix It Fic / Meta Fic, Unreliable Narrator, John’s Mind Bungalow, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Demisexual Sherlock, Holmes Family, John Whump, Gay Mycroft, Misunderstandings, Drug Addiction, Parenting, TFP is a Nightmare, Virgin Sherlock, Slow Burn, Minor Character Death, Switchlock, John’s Past, Sherlock’s Past, Eurus, Love Confessions) – Sherrinford is not really the name of some high security prison. That was just a figment of John’s frantic coma dream. And Eurus is not actually Sherlock’s sister. That’s just something random she said to John before shooting him. Sherlock and John were never actually estranged. That was just their act to cover up what really happened to Mary – or Rosamund Moran, as her real name has turned out to be. Sherlock does have a secret sibling, though, and his name is Sherrinford. After finally eliminating Moran – though in a rather dramatically different way than they had envisioned – and exposing the truth about Eurus, John encourages Sherlock to delve into his past and to find out whether the reasons to keep Sherrinford away from Sherlock were the right ones, and to discover what really happened in 1981. Along the way, Sherlock and John gradually, finally, stop keeping each other at a distance, and eventually become a proper family of their own.

Against the Rest of the World by SilentAuror (E, 151,714 w., 20 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Hiatus Fic, POV First Person Sherlock, Present Tense, First Kiss/Time, Big Brother Mycroft, Escaping from Capture, Soft Sherlock, Toplock, Insecurity, Infidelity, Travelling, Introspection, Pining Sherlock, Depression, Fantasies, Yearning for the Past, PTSD Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation) – Sherlock has been away from London for nine hundred and twelve days and counting, and has no idea what sort of reception to expect when he finally returns.

Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.

[softrozene]

Don’t Do It Again

Anonymous said: Heyy! Just found your blog and I love your writing 💕 Could I request a one shot with law and how he would react to his partner getting seriously injured?

Thank you Lovely and sorry for the long wait! I hope you enjoy it!

Trafalgar Law x Reader (Gender-Neutral/Non-Binary)

Warnings: Slightly angsty feelings, fluff, law is moody, near-death experience, mhm grammar maybe- I am t i r e d (We are going to ignore that I do not possess medical knowledge though I did try lmao) We are also trying a new format so I don’t have to screenshot the requests I get. I hope this makes it look neater!

Words: 1467

-

Law did not like this. You and Penguin were supposed to be here by now. He, Bepo, and Sachi have been waiting for ages and they have to go back to the submarine soon with or without you guys. Time is of the essence for this brief mission and Law needs to see it done. How else is supposed to gather the Marines attention?

“Cap- Still nothing from the baby transponder,” Sachi states.

Bepo even looks concerned. Whenever you and Penguin went out on missions, the general concern was of course that you would be messing around and up causing grief for him but the both of you always got your tasks doe and never late. He does not want to feel concerned but something in him nearly snaps as the time gets closer to leave.

Finally, he sees two figures in the distance headed their way to the small shack they were currently hiding in. As they get closer, the need to feel concerned turns real. Penguin is holding you up and you look to be on the verge of passing out.

Upon closer inspection he sees your side drenched in blood. It makes him nearly shout until he remembers they are being cautious for a reason.

As soon as Penguin is near enough, Law uses his devil fruit powers to transport both of you in front of them. Penguin already knowing the drill has you up as straight as you can manage, so Law can see the damage.

He moves your shirt and upon seeing the damage- He wants to wince for you. Two gunshot wounds. One went clean through your side while the other not so much. He needs to go in and get the bullet fragments and from seeing how much blood you are losing- It hit something vital as it is deep within your hip.

“Cap-“ Penguin starts.

Law interrupts, “You can tell me what happened after I fix them up. Did you get to do your part of the plan?”

He hates how he has to prioritize that, but it is needed. Penguin nods his head and says, “Yeah. We got our part done.”

That is all he needed to hear. They can leave now. Law hurries and transports everyone to the submarine just below the shack in the ocean. Everyone knows the drill. Bepo and Sachi leave to prep one of the rooms for surgery. Penguin (who probably feels awful that you are injured) stays beside you and Law for any emergency instructions.

The scent of metal begins to overwhelm Law, especially since it is your blood you are losing. God- He knows he needs to stay logical, but it is you. His partner. That and you are starting to show symptoms of hypovolemic shock.

You are doing everything you can to stay awake- Blinking wildly, chewing on your lips, you are confused and appear to be dizzy from how much you move your head. The biggest give away is how clammy your skin is. He loathes it.

Why were you in harm’s way?

“Cap- The room is ready!” Sachi states.

Law takes you from Penguin and rushes to the surgery room. He has never realized how cold this room was until you became his patient. You are still trying to find a focus point but every now and then your eyes close for a few seconds too long.

Though it appears you do not recognize where you are, but you recognize him.

“Law?” You call out.

He nods his head and his knuckles brush against your cheek. “You can rest now (Name). You are in my care,” He says loud enough and slow enough for you to process.

Law then nods at Bepo, who ever-so-gently puts an oxygen mask on your face. Within moments you are officially knocked out and in the care of your loving partner.

-

For Law, the surgery was the worst for him- You kept losing too much blood- It was so difficult to find where the bullet had hit and what damage it had caused but once he got an idea, he patched you up. He did not get to finish the surgery since he had to focus on making you stop bleeding.

You gave him a scare when there was no sign of it. He was so thankful when a blood transfusion actually helped you and the bleeding eventually stopped. He would have to worry about getting the fragmented bullet out another time.

In the meantime, you were put on strict bed rest after the operation. All you did was sleep (and Law was happy about that because it meant you were getting rest) but it did not stop him from worrying. It did not stop his crew from seeing the worry he tried to hide. He knows it is unprofessional, so he bottles it up. He will unleash his feelings when you are officially in the clear. His crew is on edge because of how snappish he becomes. It stems all from the worry he has for you. Soon- He will clear you for the next operation and once it has passed, it goes as smoothly as he expected. The bullet is officially out of you but now it is all on you for recovery.

The moment you are coherent is the moment that Law gets even more serious. He is beyond strict from how terrible your injury was- From how you almost bled out on the surgery table. He wants you to return to your energetic form, the one that nearly annoys him when you act out with his crew but that he loves severely.

It is a deeply rooted fear for the worst that makes him bitter as he cares for you. Bitter as in short words, short check-ups, and disapproving looks (for what? You have no idea, but he does give the same looks to the others). The others are just in shock. They have never seen him this strict (towards you). They on the other hand are rather used to these kinds of moods when someone gets hurt. They just never thought you would get the severity of it too.

This goes on for two weeks until you are able to walk freely and without trouble. When this happens, you confront your partner- Not with the same bitterness, no. You confront with open ears and a tender voice already knowing where this fear he has been hiding is coming from.

“Babe, we good?” You ask pretty casually if you don’t say so yourself.

Law glances up from his book and with tired eyes just stares at you. He knows this is about to be a cringe talk. With a big sigh, he places his book on his desk as he nods his head.

You narrow your eyes at him. “Are you sure? That was not a verbal affirmation. Look- I know Penguin did not tell you everything. It was my fault that we got ambushed. Yes, we took care of them rather quickly, so we did not blow our cover in that base- But that is no excuse. I should have double-checked to make sure the area was clear before I gave the okay to plant the mysterious evidence that was needed there. I should have been careful,” You say sincerely.

Law just stares at you. No words- That has to be the most nerving thing this man can do. You actually prefer it if he got angry, but he does not.

He stands up slowly and makes his way to you. With hesitation, the man pulls you into an awkward (for you) hug. His body is shaking just a tad bit and you kind of expected it to do so. You expected him to get emotional but not want to verbally say it.

“Don’t do it again.”

You let out a breathy chuckle as you return the embrace.

“Would you be just a tad more precise?” You ask softly.

He grumbles, “Don’t do it again. Do not dare get hurt like that again- It was a serious injury. I… I can’t lose you.”

He can’t say anything else. You can hear him gulp- Probably trying to stop his throat from drying out for the need to cry. You exhale softly and start to rub his back in soothing circles. He does not give more emotion other than the hum to show he appreciates it.

With final words to try and ease his fear you say, “I promise I will not do it again. You are stuck with me forever.”

He leans his head against your shoulder, and you feel his famous smirk form into the crook of your neck. With a victorious smile forming on your face you technically ruin the moment.

“So we are good babe?”

[demonslayedher]

Any Kny character you've grown to love/appreciate more??

Thanks for waiting, Anon, I have been trying to really, really hard to narrow this down, but the answer remains: the vast majority of the cast. The only character I loved right away was Tanjiro and that love kept me watching, as with almost every new character I was like, "ugh, I hate this guy. Here I was, having fun being emotionally invested in a high quality anime, and this might ruin it for me." But then the instant I see a different side of their character, I'm like, "...Oh." To go into some examples...

Zenitsu: I could not stand him right away, I hate womanizers, and his conniptions would go on so long that they held up the story. But Gotouge/Ufotable strung me along perfectly, the first glimpse of Thunder Breath made me immediately pay attention and think, "oh, that was cool. I want to see more of that." Seeing him protect the box pretty firmly put him in the "I need to protect this child" box in my heart. And then the spider demon happens, and I'm sending desperate reaction messages to a friend like "NOOOOOO!!!! BABBBBBBBBBYYYYYYYY!!!!" And then he annoyed me all over again at the start of Functional Recovery, ahaha. It's hard to remember how annoyed I was because I'm such a Zen Stan now, and he was a very firm favorite of mine by the time I finished binging the anime up to the last couple episodes, which I waited for as they came out. Inosuke: He was one of the reasons I was curious about the series, I saw some promotional art and was super curious about Nezuko's muzzle (I was one of the people who thought it was some ancient scroll or something, haha) and the kid with the boar mask. The art I saw showed his face, and I assumed he'd be some kid with a cracking voice performed by a female seiyuu. As much as I love Matsuoka's performance now, initially, since I knew what his face looked like, I found it grossly off-putting the moment I heard it. Then every chaotic thing Inosuke did dug a deeper hole; I very quickly decided I hated him, especially when he started beating up on the kid I was starting to like. As his chaos subsided he just became a character I tolerated, and then this happened:

Images you can hear, am I right? This immediately flipped the "BABY" switch in my heart. It was also a lot of fun to understand the Inosuke memes I was seeing everywhere. So by the end of the anime, I loved, loved, loved, loved the Tanjiro/Zenitsu/Inosuke interactions and desperately wanted more (still didn't like how Zenitsu bothered Nezuko, though). I was so impatient for more, but the manga art looked disappointingly off-putting. I figured the anime was successful enough that there'd eventually be more of it, and I wanted to be patient, but then I poked around, read some spoilers, got back into Tumblr to look at fanart and memes, saw a spoiler image of Tanjiro affected by Muzan's poison and the binge-read began. (That's kind of a lie, but I'll get to that.) Let's back up a few episodes. There I was, having a great time, the guy who I forgot about from Episode 1 was back and haha, I guess everyone hates him, and the chick who I figured was going to be a medic who saves Zenitsu in the nick of time turned out to be savage, awesome. I was sending reactions to my friends who were ahead of me, and then we left off seeing the Pillars staring down Best Boy. And I...

Well. Uh. Here, I've dug up an old convo for you, my comments are in blue.

Immediately followed by a passionate vocal rant, which I have transcribed here:

“I feel like what happened was that the mangaka was sitting around with his assistants and was like, ‘welp, gotta make this whole cast of characters, they gotta be so-o-o-o many more levels of extreme than all the other characters I’ve had so far, which isn’t hard, because all of the background characters are cannon fodder and I’ve just gotta leave them all with black hair and no personality traits. So! Gotta go to the opposite of the spectrum with the BIG! POWERFUL! People so no-o-o-body can be normal.’ And so he and his assistants sat down, and they all wrote down just random words or traits, and them put ‘em all in a hat. And then for each character, they pulled out a few of them and said, ‘OK. We’re gonna put these things together, now we have a character.’ And he was probably also like, ‘Iiiiiiiiiiiii’ll flesh them out later. For now, they just need t’… be there, and make an impact. How do we make an impact? By making sure it’s super, super clear what their character traits are. Here, we’ll have this guy repeat the word //HADE//…. ////HA DEEE//// over and over and over… to show that he’s a /showy/ person. Because he /cares/ about that. And he //should// care because that is his character and that’s why he’s powerful.’ OH MY GOSH, it’s so dumb.”

......orz I feel like Genya looking back at how he acted at the end of the Final Selection. I'm sorry, Gotouge, I had not even encountered your love for these characters yet in your little alligator form. Nor had I encountered the yet unseen-sides of these traumatized dragons and tigers. ...*coughs* Um. So. I was pretty harsh.

So this was my mindset, I went into the manga not caring about most of these characters and just wanting more Kamaboko squad interactions and wanting to hurry up and catch up to the battle with Muzan. And it's worth stating that I didn't mean to read it at first. I encountered a few spoilers, and just wanted to look for the context surrounding those parts, and then hunt for the (non-existent) build-up to those parts, and so... uh.........

I read a lot of the manga out of order, and yeah, that did affect how much I cared about what was going on. I didn't actually properly process a lot of it until later re-reads. But to try to state some things simply about each Pillar:

Giyuu: He was just 'ok' to me for a long time, I could see the appeal for why people I knew were fangirling over him but he didn't do it for me. His soft spot for Tanjiro was indeed endearing, though, and I firmly liked him by the time chapter 200 came out and I was properly heartbroken on his behalf.

Shinobu: She was intriguing, and then I liked her as soon as I saw her savage side, she was one of the characters I went hunting for spoilers for.

Rengoku: That stare really put me off at first, but I fell for him over the process of Tanjiro falling for him. When I first finished the train arc I sat back and said, "wow! That's going to make for a good movie!" and then in psyching myself out for the movie several months in advance, I fell hook, line, and sinker and was totally excited for him each time I saw the trailers. And then the movie was *stunning* and I love him even more. Uzui: He was the Pillar I hated most upon first meeting them. I blame the repeated use of his catchphrase. But then when he let his hair down to sell the kiddos the change in design helped warm me up more to him, like, "oh, there was a human in there." It took a long time for him to become more interesting to me, and an uncharacteristically subtle journey to becoming a character I liked. I am currently getting more and more psyched out for him and eager to see how much more I'm going to like him with the shiny Ufotable treatment. Mitsuri: At first I didn't remember her name, I had code-named her as "Boobs." But I kinda had a feeling she was going to grow on me quickly, and I was right, she's one of my easy favorites now. Muichiro: Who? Oh yeah, that kid who always kinda fell to the wayside in my attention. I'd see a lot of Muichiro-themed blogs and hear a lot of little girls looking at merch and showing a clear favoritism of him, and I'd like always react like Muichiro and just be like, "...", and then when I read his major battles I was more emotionally invested in things going on concurrently with other characters, and I was still like, "...", and then two days ago I revisited a Muichiro scene and was suddenly like, "......OH!!! MUICHIRO!!!!!" Himejima: I never really hated Himejima, even if I found his first impression kind of wimpy (haha... oh, I was so wrong). I had a pretty easy acceptance of him too, so I would generally count him among characters I like, but if you were to ask me why, I'd draw a blank. It's kind of a weirdly mature, subdued appreciation for him rather than passionate fangirling. But weirdly when I was daydreaming the other day I found myself thinking, "if I had to marry someone in the KnY cast, it would be Himejima." So like, not a fiery romance, but I see him as my dependable, sturdy rock to grow old with??? What is up with you, sub-conscious?? Iguro: My interest in him rises and falls. Being a Mitsuri fan helped warm me up to his character in the first place, which was the emotional tie I needed since his backstory didn't grip me much (I found it a frustrating distraction while I was desperately reading weekly updates). Reading more subtle details about his character in the fanbooks has brought me around and made me more curious about him, like I'd really like to be a fly on the wall for the conversation he had with Uzui one day about their pasts.

Sanemi: Hahaha, wow. He was so unlikable in the beginning, wasn't he? His character design (yeah, the eyes) was really off-putting too. But then I got to know him and there was no going back, I got totally played. He's a character I'm pretty fond of now and one of the characters I've enjoyed delving into most in fanfic. To keep this answer from getting too long, for the vaaaaaast majority of the cast, I was initially like, "meh" or "OK" or "ew" but now am like, "EEEEEEEEE, I LOVE THIS TOTALLY RANDOM UNIMPORTANT SIDE CHARACTERRRRRRR" so you know... times change. And the more time I spend obsessed with Kimetsu no Yaiba, the more I like them all, so even the characters I'm lukewarm on will probably have their eventual days when they take over my heart and smash it.

[gemcuare]

Mama of Two

Every year on the first Sunday in May, International Bereaved Mother's Day honors mothers who have lost a child. It's also a day to recognize women who cannot be a mother due to infertility or other health reasons. One of the hardest days for many women around the world as Mother's Day.

TRIGGER WARNING mention of loss

So I will carry you While your heart beats here Long beyond the empty cradle Through the coming years I will carry you All my life And I will praise the One Who's chosen me To carry you

It’s been a little over four years now since I started this motherhood journey. Even my last proper blog entry here was about Maternity... an experience I wanted to write about in a series. But obviously, four years have passed since and my son has now grown into this wonderful, cheeky big boy (family also moved from Korea to New Zealand)! I just wrote about the second trimester the last time I sat to blog here and now I am at this stage of getting him his first soccer shoes and having his primary school enrolment lined up. Time sure did fly!

But as the title of this entry suggests, I also have a second child. And that, after gathering some courage, I promised myself to write. Nothing inspiring or interesting like that. But still something I hold close to my heart and will read back in years to come. Anyway...

In September 2020, after a year or so of anxiety from secondary infertility (my hormones have always been at odds with me for forever) while trying to conceive Baby #2, I received the miracle of an answered prayer... and that was the wanted pregnancy. 

It was the 7th week (October), instead of an ultrasound to confirm a heartbeat, I found myself waking up from an emergency surgery. While I was in bed, the surgeon stopped by, showed me photos of my uterus, the right fallopian tube where the fetus was in, the beginning stages of internal bleeding-- the cold clinical diagnosis of an ectopic pregnancy, and the successful laparoscopy. From a medical and moral standpoint, the pregnancy was not viable, the internal bleeding was life-threatening, so termination was inevitable.

Compassionately, the doctors expressed their sympathy and added a hopeful “Next time we hope to see you in the maternity ward (to deliver a baby)...” I sighed a sigh of relief, thanked them for saving my life, and got myself ready for the road to recovery.

Or not. 

It didn’t take long from the “I can’t believe it, we’re gonna have another baby!” to turn into “I can’t believe I lost a baby.” 

Just as two lines on a pregnancy test could easily lead to a future family of four... until something goes wrong and your worst fear is realised.

From Congratulations to I’m sorry.

From dream come true to living a nightmare.

From exciting to traumatic.

From thanking God for an answered prayer to being angry at God for the tragedy.

Grief. Yes, it has become very much a big part of me since that day of my surgery. Since becoming a mother. Of. Two.

6 years ago, when I lost my father at 52, grief entered and changed me and scarred me for life. Then...

It happened again. 

Not long ago, I was happy and hopeful... now I’m walking this sometimes painful, sometimes numbing, always lonely road of grief. My incision scars have long faded and all. I even forget that I had a body part gone. But not the part of my Mama heart that died.

I often listen to Bethany Barnard’s song, Tears on Your Face. A raw and beautiful song coming from grief... one of my go-to songs for comfort to ride a wave of grief or anger that knocks the wind out of my faith.

You don't fast forward me through this And I've gotta reconcile that You want to know me when I'm like this And I've gotta reconcile that You didn't change the diagnosis And I've gotta reconcile that You've reconciled it all in Your flesh

And like her, I’m still trying to make sense of my life post the loss. 

It’s now 2022, I’m living through a global pandemic, inflation, and war but I’ll shamelessly admit that I’m still hung up on losing that baby. There was even a phase... whenever I heard someone complain about something, and while listening, looking like I was empathizing, but mentally I was raging. So? But I lost my baby...

The weather sucks. So? But I lost my baby.. 

Traffic sucks. So? But I lost my baby.. 

The housing market sucks. So? But I lost my baby..

COVID sucks.  So? But I lost my baby..

The government sucks.  So? But I lost my baby..

Everyone around me moved on in life. And to me, that felt wrong. But that was just my grief. 

I couldn’t stand pregnancy and baby related posts on social media. But that was just my grief. 

I gave my son extra hugs thinking bitterly that he might be an only child. But that was just my grief. 

I stopped praying. I was scared that instead of giving, God will keep taking away from me. But that was just my grief.

On better days, I find comfort in knowing that my baby is Home in Glory, like my Papa. That she (or he) won’t have to experience the struggles of living in this fallen world, she was spared of suffering and evil. And that I will meet her. Even if it’s for the first time. Because God made her soul, she exists. I’ll always be her mum and she will always be my child. God is good. I’m gonna be okay.

On difficult days, I am far from okay. Hours of stuffing my face in a pillow, stifling the ugly bawling. Here I go again, mourning...

I know that I’ll be brokenhearted for a very long time... I’ve read so many stuff coming from mothers who lost children from every stage of pregnancy or infancy... In Reddit, Facebook groups, Youtube’s comment section. Mothers mourning for 10, 20, 50 long years. Crying about someone they’ll never know in this life but alive and loved, forever carried in their hearts. So much grief and pain.

This is the world of bereaved mothers. A place no Mama deserves to find themselves in. A life I didn’t want to know and am crippled with.

I am all here to celebrate my son’s milestones. Absolutely! but also a part of me will grieve for the other one who didn’t make it... 

Knowing what I know, I hoped to go through it all again, you see.  Having been through pregnancy, babyhood, and now childhood through raising my son... I was going to be an improved version, not like a first-timer. But instead, I am in a loop, hounded by what-if’s and could be’s... I never thought it’ll be silently devastating. The trauma is so sneaky, out of nowhere it messes with me.

I wasn’t prepared for it-- the unbearable thought of never knowing.

The sound of your heartbeat.

The sleepless nights. The cuddles and kisses.

What you’d look like. Your smile. Your frown. 

What you’d sound like.  When you call me “Mama.”

I wasn’t prepared for it-- the guilt.

I was supposed to keep you healthy and safe and alive. But instead, from the womb, I couldn’t. For all I know, you were a perfectly healthy baby, but to preserve my life, yours was cut short. I gave up my right tube for my right to live. For my health and future’s sake. While you were just getting started, cells still multiplying, your tiny heart still beating. *SNIP* Tube removed. That was it?

I feel like I should be very sorry. Why, my poor baby, you had to go that way?

I wasn’t prepared for it-- a future of missing someone.

When we take a family picture, Christmas, New Year, birthdays, and every June. I can just see you there, you were going to turn 2.

So it’s just right to not ever forget you. I can’t and I shouldn’t. I’ll make sure your brother knows you. But even if it’s just me, I’ll cry when I think of you, when you were given to me and when I lost you. I’ll still imagine you could have been my little girl or boy, someone to cherish and be proud of. Always part of the family I’ve always wanted... 

You belong here.

 And on That Day, when I face you, I can say that in my life, in my own way, no matter what, Mama’s here and I love you.

Helpful Links:

13 Things You Should Know About Grief After Miscarriage or Baby Loss

Things Not to Say to Someone After a Miscarriage

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Pregnancy/Infant/Child Loss Support

An Unexpected Family Outing

P.S.  To family and friends and co-workers who have been there for me, and prayed for me, I also want to say THANK YOU again. I may not be in a better place yet emotionally, and even my faith walk has nothing to show for it... Two years on, know that I’ll always be grateful.

[yikesharringrove]

Hi! I love your blog and i check daily for updates because your fics/drabbles make my days! I wanted to request (if you're up to it) something with steve going deaf after the concussion in s2? Thank you so much! I hope you feel better soon and have a great day❤

So, I’ve broken my eardrums several times and that causes temporary hearing loss, so I based what Steve experiences on that as well as some stuff I read written by folks that lost their hearing.

I also wanna rec this fic, which has a similar idea, but Steve begins the story hard of hearing, so I tried to make them different!

Read on Ao3

-

Billy doesn’t know what happened when the kids drugged him and left him there.

All he knows is that he was startled awake by the sounds of Maxine driving his own car and the kids fucking screaming.

Something about Harrington being bitten?

And they dragged Steve out of his car, and he was bloody, and unconscious, and had a big gash in the back of his head.

Billy helped them bring him to the couch, using Steve’s jacket to pillow his head, trying to staunch the bleeding from the wound there.

“Why the fuck didn’t you take him to the hospital?”

Everyone was quiet as Steve groaned, shifting slightly.

His eyes fluttered open.

They were hazy and unfocused, looking slowly around the room.

“Hey, buddy. How are ya feeling?” Steve stared blankly at Dustin.

“I, what?”

Steve felt like he was underwater.

The world was moving too slowly around him, everything was hazy and muffled and he didn’t know which way was up, which part of his body hurt more.

He barely remembers being in those tunnels, the ‘dogs rushing them, getting tossed against the cave wall.

And then, nothing.

Nothing but blue eyes and rough hands.

And Dustin asked him something, but he was too far away, or maybe he was being quiet for once in his life, but Steve just heard ay-u are-a ee.

And then Billy said something, and Steve could pick up osital before Billy was picking him up like he weighed nothing and putting him back in that car.

And Steve could sort of make out the sound of the engine through his underwater brain.

But it didn’t sound anything like it did that first day when Billy roared into the high school parking lot, didn’t even sound like when Max was driving earlier.

And Billy fucking knew something was wrong.

Every time he spoke, Steve didn’t acknowledge him. And he would chalk it up to Steve just fucking hating him, but he figured he’d get some kind of response, even if it was just a glare.

He took him to the emergency room, helping him out of the car.

“My friend hit his head. He’s bleeding and he’s really spaced out.”

-

Steve let the nurses and the doctors examine him.

He felt like he was only going deeper under water.

“I’m sorry, I can’t, I can’t hear you.”

He couldn’t even hear his own voice.

The nurse’s smile slid right off her face.

And then there was another doctor, and he was wheeled into a new room, and had to lay very still in a large cream colored tube.

-

“Harrington?”

Billy hadn’t been allowed to accompany Steve back. No familial relation, and all that.

But he was getting regular updates as they performed new tests.

Last he heard, Steve was being taken for a scan, which Billy didn’t like the sound of.

“Our imaging has presented us with the cause of his loss of hearing. It appears that-”

“Sorry, loss of hearing?” And it made sense, it really did, but it also sent a fucking chill down Billy’s spine. Moreso than the unexplained animal bite that was oozing blood and puss from Steve’s leg.

“Yes, it appears Mr. Harrington has suffered a severe enough concussion we have classified it as a traumatic brain injury. Due to the location of the blow, his auditory processing has been affected. We believe he has lost approximately 90% of his hearing.”

“But this is like, just temporary, right? He’ll be fine?”

“It’s rare to lose hearing due to damage to the brainstem, so unfortunately, we don’t know.”

“You don’t, you don’t know? He could be fucking deaf forever, and you don’t know?” She gave him an unimpressed look, stared him down until he deflated, mumbled a sorry.

“Look, his injury is uncommon, not unprecedented. We hope for a full recovery, but at this point, it’s unlikely.” She gave him a half smile as he thanked her, and turned on her heel.

-

They gave Steve a notepad.

He didn’t like talking.

Felt like he sounded stupid.

Couldn’t hear himself to know otherwise.

And of course, he didn’t know sign language. Never had put much thought into learning it.

The nurses would give him pitying smiles, would write down their questions for him. They mostly kept to yes or no’s, allowing him to nod or shake his head.

Does it still hurt? Has your hearing improved? Do you need more pain killers?

He slept through the rest of the night, but he chalks that up to the morphine they pumped him with, the adrenaline draining from his body.

The next morning he woke up to a sweet looking nurse, writing him a note that he had visitors, and he was welcome to tell them no.

He sighed, and nodded, giving a vague come in gesture.

It was Joyce and Hop.

And Steve realized he was relieved the kids weren’t there.

Joyce scribbled something on his pad.

They told us everything. I’m so sorry, Honey.

And Steve stared crying. Started sobbing, because Joyce’s hugs were warm but her soft voice was gone.

-

Billy had never left the emergency room.

He had curled in one of the uncomfortable chairs, and dozed off until morning, when the Police Chief rolled in with the gaggle of kids and a short woman that gave him a shockingly tight hug, and thanked him for taking care of Steve.

“He’s deaf.” Billy’s throat felt raw. “They told me last night. Scanned his brain and the injury was real bad. They don’t know if he’ll ever hear again.”

“But they, there’s nothing they can do?” Dustin was pale.

“Not really. They said, it’s rare for how he was injured to result in hearing loss, so they just don’t know.”

The chief took that woman back to see Steve, told the kids they didn’t know if he was up for visitors just yet.

Dustin had an odd look on his face.

He set his jaw, rolled his shoulders back, planted himself in front of Billy.

“Take me to the library.” Billy raised an eyebrow.

“Not a chance.”

“Take me to the library.”

“Kid, no.”

“Yes! I need to do research! If I learn sign language, I can help Steve so we can communicate!” Lucas stood behind him.

“Take us to the library.” When Maxine stood as well, Billy sighed.

“Fine. Get in the car.”

-

Apparently Nancy and Jonathan broke into his house.

Nancy still remembered where he kept the spare key.

She had an odd look on her face as she passed Steve some sweats, a clean shirt. Jonathan scribbled a note and gestured to the bag he placed on one of the chairs.

We brought more clothes, didn’t know how long you’re staying.

He didn’t know either.

He told them thanks. One word was easy enough, and he’s pretty sure he saw Nancy’s eyes go a little teary at the sound of his voice.

-

Billy ushered the kids into the building, going over to chat with the librarian.

He had spent a decent amount of time here since moving to Hawkins. They had a decent selection, and plenty of the classics he liked to read.

He was too tired to flirt, but kept polite conversation as the kids rushed around.

“We need all the books you have on American Sign Language, deafness, and anything else on the subject.” She gave Dustin a pointed look.

“Mr. Henderson, you have five books checked out, as well as five you stole-”

“I’ll bring those back. This is urgent.” Billy put on his best tragic look.

“Marissa, the kid’s best friend has a, well he’s just gone deaf. Had a terrible accident. They just wanna be there for him, you know?” She looked at him. Her resolve was slipping. “You know, use my card for ‘em. You know I’m reliable.”

He checked out very few books, opted to read them in the library instead.

She sighed.

“I’ll show you what we’ve got.” And she grumbled all the way to the stack.

-

Steve was staring out the window when he received a note about more visitors.

He knew he’d have to face the kids at some point, he was just hoping to put it off.

He smiled as warmly as he could when they came in, his eyes going wide when Billy trailed in behind them.

He looked like shit.

Dustin scribbled something on the notepad.

Billy took us to the library and we got books on sign language and we’re all going to learn together so that we can all still communicate.

He wrote like he talked, run on sentences with rushed, sloppy, handwriting.

Everyone was staring at him weird, and he realized he had laughed. He took notepad scribbling on it quickly.

Thank you guys. Means a lot. Dustin smiled at him, nodding. He cast a glance over to Billy, leaning against the wall, staring out the window. Dustin took the pad.

He hasn’t left since he brought you here he slept out in the waiting room and took us to the library to get all the books AND let us check them out on his library card.

Steve nodded, clearing his throat. Billy’s jaw tightened at the sound.

“Billy.” His head whipped around, his eyes wide at Steve’s voice. Not too loud. He held up what Dustin had written down. “Thank you.” Billy just nodded at him.

-

The kids were picked up one by one, giving Steve tight hugs before they left.

Until it was Max asleep in a chair, Billy sitting in the other.

Steve watched as Billy took off his jacket, draping it over Max like a blanket.

He gave Steve a tight smile. Steve picked up the pad.

Why have you stayed? You didn’t have to.

Billy shrugged. Worried about you.

Steve flushed.

I’m okay.

Billy gave him a look.

Well, I will be. Billy gave him a little half smile. You really took them to the library?

The little mouthy one bullied me into it.

Steve laughed. Billy tried to stifle his own smile.

Love the image of Dustin bullying you into doing something.

Yeah well, it was humiliating. Steve smiled at him again.

So, are you learning sign language too?

Just the important shit. Princess, Pretty Boy, pain in my ass. The three P’s. Steve laughed again.

Right. Important shit. Remind me to learn asshole and piece of trash.

Steve had never really taken much notice to the way Billy laughed. But now that he couldn’t hear it, he studied Billy’s face. His eyes scrunched up, and had his teeth always been that white, and that straight? His Adam’s apple bobbed when he laughed and Steve didn’t even think, reached out and pressed his fingers softly against his throat, his palm flat on his chest.

Billy went still. Steve recoiled.

Sorry. Wanted to see if I could feel your laugh. Billy smiled sheepishly at him, taking his hand and bringing it back to his throat.

Steve could feel the vibrations in his throat, the way the air made his neck shift, his Adam’s apple moving.

He didn’t know what Billy was saying, just liked the way his lips moved, the way he could feel the words in his fingertips.

-

Steve’s face was soft as Billy spoke, his eyes big, his fingers soft against Billy’s throat.

“I guess I can say this now. Since you’re not ever gonna hear me say it, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything I said to you, did to you. You just, you scare the shit outta me, Pretty Boy. I’m not, not allowed to feel this way about you. About, about any boy. Neil’s made that really fucking clear. But I saw you, and I wanted to be near you, to hear you laugh, be the, the cause of all your damn smiles, and I’ve made you laugh twice today. And that’s the best damn feelin’ in the world.”

Steve’s eyes flicked up to his face when he couldn’t feel words anymore, and those soft fingers retreated again.

Steve took the notepad.

Billy liked his handwriting.

I like the way it feels when you talk. He smiled all bright and Steve Harrington pretty. Never thought about feeling someone speaking like that before. And then Billy’s heart sank. What did you say.

Talkin’ shit on you.

That’s rude. I’m a deaf person now. That’s bigamy.

I’m going to assume you meant bigotry. Steve flushed.

Yeah, whatever.  Steve was all huffy. It was adorable.

Sorry, I’ll only talk shit in sign once we all earn it.

Thank you. I appreciate it. Steve reached out, slapping playfully at Billy’s chest. Billy had the overwhelming urge to take his hand, kiss his knuckles.

He was too scared.

When do you get out of here? I got an idea.

-

Billy was there to pick him and take him home.

Steve had been in the hospital for over two weeks, as they wanted to monitor the injury.

He had completely lost his hearing, and had given up hope of it returning.

But Billy had been by everyday, usually bringing Dustin and some of the library books, and they had all mastered the sign language alphabet, and had all learned a few words.

Steve had a few bags of things people had brought to him, everything fitting nicely in the trunk of the Camaro.

Billy had offered to drive him own, wanted to see something.

He made a beeline to the quarry, finding a spot overlooking the water.

He took the pad from Steve’s lap, writing I have an idea, tell me when you can feel it.

He rifled through the cardboard box in the backseat, holding up the tape for Steve to see.

It was KISS, Dynasty.

Steve made a face.

Billy rolled his eyes, pushing the tape in. He turned up the bass, cranking the volume.

The first song, I Was Made For Lovin’ You, had one of Billy’s favorite bass lines ever.

He turned up the bass some more, until his speakers sounded like shit, the song completely distorted.

But Steve’s eyes were wide, his hand on his chest. Billy stole the pad.

At concerts, sometimes you can feel the bass in your body. I thought that might work for you. Can still listen to music. I got a lot of bass heavy stuff.

Steve’s bottom lip trembled.

He sniffed, wiping at his eyes.

Billy doesn’t know what he had done wrong, if maybe it was insensitive, this whole music thing.

He went to turn down the music, but Steve grabbed his wrist. He took the notepad.

Thank you, Billy. You’re really nice. Not listening to music anymore was really making me sad. This was a good idea.

Steve smiled at him, his eyes still wide and gooey wet.

Billy didn’t think about.

Just put one hand on the back of Steve’s neck, and pulled him forward, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

Steve was stiff against him, and Billy was about to pull back, scribble an apology on the pad, put then Steve sighed, and melted against Billy.

They pulled away from one another, and Steve was biting his lip, made Billy kiss him again.

Been wanting to do that for a while. Billy had tossed the pad onto his lap. Steve scoffed at it.

Why didn’t you?

Too scared. Steve just looked at him. The song clicked to the next, the steady kick drum of 2,000 Man made Steve’s hand flutter back to his chest. You like this one?

This album is good. Now that I can’t actually hear it. Billy shoved him. Steve huffed a little laugh.

Dick.

[aftgficrec]

Idk if y’all do this but I don’t know who to ask but your favorite aftg SPOTIFY playlists? I like the “Andrew in clubs” by rb and the “andriel/AFTG” by sunellix but so far my favorite has been “untitled 1” by palmettofoxden because they made a tumblr post that went with it and I loved how they included the reason to each song. So if you can find playlist AND post related like that one I’ll love y’all more !!! Thanks

Oh, friend, you have no idea what you just got yourself into here.  You want playlists?  We’ve got playlists (and a little personal commentary from us).  A number of fics have amazing playlists to go along with them, so we’ve included little bits of info and links to those fics; then there are playlists for characters, and some general ones for the books.  We didn’t really find Tumblr posts to explain song choices, but we hope you enjoy this collection anyway! -M

NB: Fic links go directly to AO3. You can click on ‘recced here’ to see the trigger warnings that we’ve previously listed.

Playlists Based on Fics 

Red Rabbits Universe series by bloodydamnit, Jeni182, SeaBear13, windeavesdrops [Rated M-E; 647408 words in 3 works; 2 Complete 2019/2020, 1 WIP] (recced here)

If you’re unfamiliar with Red Rabbits then you’ve probably been living under a rock. From the very beginning the team behind this true crime themed fic have been excellent at providing a playlist for the characters, for the story, and for the highly interactive blog that can also be found here. If you’re looking for explanations as to why some songs are on the lists, check out the Tumblr asks and read the fic - there are many layers to this one but you can discover a lot in both Seasons. 

TFN by The Foxhole (2019) - Short and sweet (just like our favourite characters) this is a great list and sits perfectly alongside Season 1. 

TFN Minyard by The Foxhole (2019) - Africa is really the only song you need to listen to on this playlist but this is the list designed to represent Andrew in Red Rabbits. Sit back, listen, appreciate how very very well done this list is: emo bangers sit against indie bops, Lykke Li and MISSIO clash against Explosions in the Sky and Pink Floyd.  

TFN Seth by The Foxhole (2019) - Oh Seth, our sweet baby DJ, whose journey is honestly one of the best in fanfic. Here you’ll find Childish Gambino, Jay Z and Kanye, City Girls and The Weeknd. 

TFN Dan by The Foxhole (2019) - What a queen, it’s Dan Wilds with a mix of Beyonce, Frank Ocean and many more r&b, hiphop and pop tunes. Upbeat and powerful.

Neil Josten’s Music + Mathematics / The Calculus of Nocturnes by fuzzballsheltiepants [Rated M; 7863 words; Complete 2020] (recced here)

Like everything by fuzzballsheltiepants, this playlist is as well thought out and perfectly rendered as the story itself. The fic centers around Neil Josten, a high school math teacher with a secret obsession: the classical piano he hears music teacher Andrew Minyard playing every afternoon. Eventually his secret is found out, and his world begins to open up. This playlist can be listened to along with the fic, giving you an immersive layer to the story. 

Slinging Mozart Sideways / Slinging Mozart Sideways  by justadreamfox [Rated T; 9962 words, Complete 2020]  (recced here)

Some fun facts about this one - firstly, the working title was “gay pianists need to eat” (which I love) and secondly it was part of the 2020 Gift Exchange for Willow_Bird. Excellent fic. Excellent prompt. In which Andrew is in the music business, Neil is a classical cellist (with a British accent) and they bond over Nils Fram. It’s super pretty and the classical music choices are sweet, subtle and sometimes heartwrenching. 

One writer in particular, scribbleb_red, has been prolific in creating playlists for all their longer fics, and some of their Twitter hc fics.  There’s overlap in themes and genres across most of them but here are some of my faves:

Playlist: L'amour parle en fleurs / l’amour parle en fleur by scribbleb_red [Rated M, 61919 words, Complete 2019] (recced here)

Also known as The Lavender AU, this fic is set in the lavender fields of Provence in Southern France and deals with loss and recovery, grief and hope - and that’s exactly what the playlist lays out as well. Intended to accompany the reader through the fic, this playlist is a journey just like the story itself. 

Playlist: (don’t fear) the reaper / (don’t fear) the reaper by scribbleb_red [Rated M, 73111 words, Complete 2019] (recced here) 

for the fic of the same name, in which Andrew and Neil don’t meet in life but in limbo. Andrew is a grim reaper and Neil is the soul he’s meant to be helping cross to the other side. There’s just one issue: Neil isn’t really dead.  

Playlist: monster (under my bed) / monster (under my bed) by scribbleb_red [Rated: M; 1262 Words; Complete; 2020] (recced here)

In which Neil is the monster hiding Andrew’s bed and this changes everything.

not your homeland anymore (2020) for the fic of the same name, inspired by Taylor Swift’s folklore, this angsty fic is still being written and asks the question: what if Andrew hadn’t been there after Baltimore? 

NB: We have not recced this one yet. Please refer to the fic for TWs.

Playlists Based on Characters 

Oh yes, there are some highly creative folks out there exploring their headcanons via the spotify playlist. Here are five of our favourites: 

THE FOXES DEADLIEST INVESTMENT by realpeachy (2019) - Their ain’t no rest for the wicked and this playlist is as relentless, beat-heavy and secretly instigative as Andrew Minyard himself. Some familiar themes with Billie Eilish, Ruelle, Halsey and the like, but some quirky additions like badflower and tedy as well. 

NEIL JOSTEN by Arizona Kestler (2019) - A curious collection of songs on this one, ranging from Kendrick Lamar to Radiohead, AJR to Jack’s Mannequin. It definitely leans into the new-wave emo that many associate with AFTG but it always comes back to the high octane energy we associate with our favourite starting striker. 

yes or no? by jmoriartty (2018) - Could there be a more iconic playlist for andreil? well ok, maybe that’s just this contributor’s taste but having been steadily built through 2018 to 2019, it’s one of the most followed playlists on spotify for AFTG. Two Feet, MISSIO, Twenty One Pilots and grandson are all big hits on this bluesy, gritty, alternative playlist. 

you can call me king by scribbleb_red (2019) - As if any list was complete without a villainous inclusion, like with most of scribble’s lists this one deliberately lays out a journey for Riko Moriyama, his rise and fall. Maybe you’ll also feel Sympathy for the Devil. 

Double Trouble by an.fouda (2019) - Yes, it’s a twinyards playlist and it’s full of absolutely exquisite artist choices and emo hits. Try listening to Night Knuckles by Cavetown or Plastic Joy by Raw Fabrics. It’s a whole new level to this most complex of sibling relationships. 

Playlists Based on the Books 

Some of these are classics - they’ve set the tone for AFTG playlists all over the internets - and it’s fascinating to see how even now people come back to similar tones: alternative rock, grunge, hiphop, the high energy songs that mix a sense of hope and fear and danger. Plug in your headphones and prepare for a ride. Others are more recent and you can very much see how the themes of the music line up over time. If you want a playlist to remind you of the original series, here are some great places to start:

The Foxhole Court (Nora Sakavic) by pjofangirl2  (2017) 

You Are A Pipedream by lokisarmyismydivision (2017)

This is the moment you stop being the rabbit by Warren Vipod (2020) 

[agl03]

So I face the final curtain....

I’ve been putting off writing this up for a few days now.   It’s been a really odd to watch as the show comes to an end.  This week doing my last promo breakdowns, last fandom freak outs over a leaks and a big one at that, and writing up my final FINAL predictions post.  Its pretty much done having been reviewed by two friends to make sure I don’t change anything after a spoiler drops.   

This show and this fandom have been such wonderful part of my life since I found Tumblr between Season 2 and 3.   I progressed from a nameless Tumblr to having theory hits, fielding hundreds of asks, and becoming the Unofficial Fandom Mom.   If someone had told me this when I joined Tumbler I would have told them they were crazy....and I would have picked a better URL.

Over the past week I’ve gotten so many amazing messages of how I’ve been a part of your lives but you guys have been just as much a part of mine.  I’ve made amazing friends on here that I have no intention of letting go of anytime soon.  I’ve had honor of meeting and hanging out with some of you at Wondercon.   I am constantly overwhelmed with what my presence in the fandom has become.  That people see my blog as a safe place, that I was able to comfort and ease anxiety, and hold this thing together with duct tape and a paper clip when I’ve had too.  

Many of you have said I have gotten you through a difficult time.  But what I have done for anyone pales in comparison of what you all have done for me.  The last few years have been incredibly difficult in real life.  I tried to die, twice.   Had surgery 4 times.  Countless weeks of recovery and bed rest.  Saw my father through his agonizing fight with Alzheimers.  And navigated a global pandemic.  This fandom was MY safe place and my escape.  Your asks and me diving into theories and metas would allow me, even if for a few minutes, to take my brain off the terror of lying in the ICU alone or being helpless in my father’s fight.  No matter what and no matter when.  I could always come here and find something that would cheer me up or a patient shoulder to cry on.  

For that, thank you is not nearly enough.

Also from the bottom of my heart I can not thank you enough for how accepting you have been of my children.  They love seeing how many notes their cosplays get.  they love seeing you all in person.   And to those who had Kiddos one talking their ear off because she was just so happy and excited, thank you.  We made some amazing memories that weekend that I will certainly cherish forever.  

We’ll be back at Wondercon next year barring the freaking virus not going away and never, ever, hesitate to come up to me if you see me.  

We’ve been through some highs, lows, and the stress of renewal every season all together.  And tomorrow I think we are going to go out on quite a high note.  So lets savor these last few moments before the end and before we start a new normal here in the Fandom.

I promise I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.  I’m sure there will still be asks to answer, metas to write, content to reblog, and oh so many fics.   

We’ve had one hell of a ride guys and its been a pleasure taking the ride with you!

AGL03 aka Fandom Mom 

“The steps you take don’t need to be big, they just need to take you in the right direction.”   

[ask-the-sharps]

Alright, ill be real dudes. I really could use some money. Didn’t think id ever make one of these posts.

Details Under Cut but TLDR; I need a new laptop!!

I've been using a laptop for a long time that has had a lot of problems. Some of them being,, my own fault. But she served me well these past like,, 6-7 years now. The last 3 being entirely on her last legs and the past few months doing even worse. And now, its completely unresponsive to me.. I need a new one.

What's wrong with it?

-She's had liquid spilled on her, which lead to the battery expanding and oozing out all its nasty acid.. and that corroded the hard drive. and probably much more given how the inside looks -The replacement hard drive i put into it is the wrong size (both physical size and in storage size) and already had issues to start, and its now failed. -The keyboard doesn't function near at all, and the touch pad none. -And, now I’m pretty sure the Motherboard or the PCU has failed on me.

While I could take it in, that would cost more than getting a new one. Speaking of costs, The laptop I'm intending to get is about 930$ + shipping/tax.

Why I need a new laptop:

-I use it to call my fiance every single day.

-I have severe back problems and cant sit at a desk for too long

-I travel between houses often and need something to bring with me.

-Ill be getting top surgery soon and both A) can't really afford to save for this too, and B) will be out of state for recovery for a little while

-A r t. Art is also part of the reason for some of the above points.

But why is the one you’re planning on so expensive? Good question and I totally understand!

-It's been found pretty universally that more expensive laptops are better built, longer lasting, faster, and perform better.

-I also need a laptop that can handle being a bit of a workhorse. Laptops I’ve owned in the past couldn’t handle me running Clip Studio, Skype, YouTube, Discord, Spotify, etc all at once.

-Something with a good WLED screen is necessary for art purposes, and decent graphics for similar reasons.

-I’ve had nothin’ but pretty cheap laptops all my life and I’ve always had some issue with them. Id like to put on big man pants and get something nicer.

-In the long run, it’ll be cheaper to get a more expensive one, so that in the next few years i don’t have to do somethin’ like this again

I’ve done a lot of looking and this one seems like the best for my personal needs.

Here’s how you can help:

Link to commissions here!

You can also DM me to ask for my PayPal to just donate.

If you are unable to help me out, re-blogging and sharing this around is also welcome.

Please Please don’t donate or buy anything if you need that money for yourself. Thank you all very much in advance.