#this basically isn't even art but i'm tired so it'll have to do

[onesnoopyaday]

Snoopy #60

30/11/2024

[miodiodavinci]

anyway as for the long and short of how i'm doing currently (mostly the long)

so two weeks ago i sprained my wrist at work lifting boxes, and it's been a slow recovery even with the help of a brace, stretches, rice buddies, and ice packs. i've had to basically put a lot of my hobbies on hold because i've been saving what little i can do with my wrist for all the job prep i need to do on the weekends (i.e. making flyers, updating spreadsheets, creating presentations, moving more boxes, etc...)

hobbies are even further on hold at this point because this last week i injured my shoulder as well, and i can feel that my ankle is getting ready to go with it. i'm doing what i can to minimize the damage (i.e. got a work cart, have had coworkers come with me to storage, actually sitting down and resting when i'm on break, etc...) but there's not a lot that can be done considering these are Core Aspects of my job and my contract goes until spring (and also like. whole complex situation where i can't leave without screwing over myself and a lot of people i care about)

it's a shit situation all around, but at the very least i'm getting paid a reasonable amount and it's covering my expenses jfgjksdhkfg

(though for all the work i do, god oh god i wish it was doing more than just covering my expenses)

having to take a break from my hobbies has put me in a weird headspace, though. or like it's less of a weird headspace and more that there's finally this pause that has me reevaluating what i want to do in my spare time

i've been consumed by work for the past like four years of my life, this last year was kind of the culmination of that. between completing my internship, finishing my degree, surviving The Horror (read: had a really, truly horrifying cancer scare last year), doing the yamaha collab, and taking care of the flurry of job-hunting stuff that needed to be done post-graduation, i don't know if i actually got a chance to so much as breathe until august

. . . . except in august i immediately collapsed and rotted the entire month away skjdfhgkhsdf

i'm burnt out, i think. like. genuinely, really severely burnt out. the more i think about it, the more i feel like i just need a year of doing nothing.

just. absolutely nothing.

which i've told myself in the past. several times. always in a big showy way. so much so that i feel silly saying it now because i've been saying it for years in the descriptions of my videos and in posts on my blog.

"i'm tired of being beholden to past me!! this year, i'm letting go of my expectations for myself and just doing what i want!!" (<< this user has said this at least 7 separate times and has failed to make good on it every single time)

but i think why i've never been able to follow through is because in spite of all the dropping projects that no longer interested me and not feeling obligated to see everything through, i still held on to the expectation that at the end of it, i'd still post something. but like.

i think posting doesn't really matter to me as much anymore??? if at all???

which isn't to say "i'm putting my foot down and never creating any new vocaloid work ever again," but it's also like. i can't let myself sit with the expectation of "yeah i'll just make things for fun!! and when they're done, i'll post them!!' because that changes the focus from making something for me into making something for others to see, which is. a different beast to care for skdjfgklhsdlfg

i keep seeing a lot of things where i have the opportunity to keep building on what rice and i were able to make as part of the yamaha collab: alternate box arts, matching galaco design, cool new english covers featuring bespoke cover art of the new designs but when i think of starting those, i feel utterly drained, and when i think of how i'll feel once they're finished, i imagine it'll be akin to "alright, i've checked that off the list. what's the next thing i should do not disappear and be a failure?"

. . . . . which is really, really separate from doing things as a hobby because they make me happy OTL

this past year i've really reconnected with my close friends (in part because i stopped having time to scroll online and didn't want anyone to know when i was online because i legitimately did not have the energy to respond) and i've noticed i really truly enjoy just batting around our ocs with each other so more than i've enjoyed any of the vocaloid work that i've put out in the past five years skjfghldkfg

i've been doing vocaloid things for over ten years now, and the collaboration with yamaha was quite literally something i couldn't have even dreamed of, much less imagined it would have just fallen into my lap the way it did. coming off the end of it and my internship though, there's this feeling that's been building for years now where it feels like the effort i put in is just not proportional to the satisfaction i get out of it. it feels more like something i'm supposed to do otherwise i'd just be squandering all the work i've put in and all the attention i've gotten.

. . . . . . i just want to live man 😂 i'm caught in a mental tangle that feels difficult to unravel. spring mio was at the end of his fucking rope, but fall mio is finally has the time to sit down with the slack and is wondering if it's worth it to keep pulling for all i'm worth when i can always just go over to my friend's house and have a funny little sleep over (metaphorical or literal both apply)

i'm not decided by any means but i'm definitely thinking about it.

it's the fact that it's been 2 years since i've released salvador, and i went into it thinking i'd be cool and professional about it, with lots of covers and frequent updates because i used to make lots of UTAU covers in high school, but then i got paralyzed by all the "shoulds" wrapped up in the process and i just. stopped working.

when i say i want to make X cover of Y song, am i really saying that i want to go out of my way to do all these things?? or am i just imagining what momentary satisfaction i'll feel to see another thumbnail on my channel??

...

(face in hands) this ended up being. a lot fucking longer than i meant for it to be jksdfhlkghsdkfg

hopefully most people have clicked away by this point w

it's the tear between the things i genuinely want (making things with friends that stay between us friends) the things i kind of want out of necessity (opening up commissions so i can supplement my income), the things i said i'd do and can't back out now on, and the things i told myself i would do but can't really must up plenty of positive emotions about (but can feel plenty of frightful, guilty emotions when i think of not doing them)

i'll figure it out eventually. even in the worst case scenario, i plan to keep my accounts up as archives, so it's not like my work will go anywhere w i'd still want it to be there once i decide i'm ready to come back to it w

[sleepsentry]

Please tell me you plan getting into the book of Bill. I think you'll be quite pleased lol.

I have it preordered but it'll take a bit to arrive because I live in Switzerland

I haven't thought about gf in a couple of months but that's kind of a good thing?

I was worried I'd be too ashamed of my own enjoyment to let myself read it.

Since gravity falls isn't my main fixation for now I'll have an easier time reading it.

'I've been suspecting I have OCD for a year or two now. I think it explains a lot about my deeply tiring relationship to my own interests.

You can skip my attempt at an explanation of that problem below 👇

For the past few years I've had an awful time letting myself enjoy my interests once I pass a certain point of investment.

As if I'm being disrespectful to the original work for having interpretations of my own.

I've never had easy access to merchandise like stickers so all of my exposure to and expression of my interests is the original source material, fan works, and my own fan works. (I have zero merch for any of my interests besides gf so I have no other means of expression offline besides my own art)

-----

It gets especially bad if I have unpopular opinions and see a more popular one everywhere despite my efforts to block and filter.

It's very difficult to filter something popular and it leaves me feeling tired and bitter. When otherwise I wouldn't care at all.

But it's another point towards this "you're doing it wrong" feeling

I haven't fully re-read my journal 3 or lost legends books since I first got them (around 2017? And 2018 respectively) despite really wanting to.

I'll flip through once every couple years for reference that I couldn't find faster online but that's overselling how much I even let myself look up reference online (basically never I'm too ashamed)

I have trouble saying characters names out loud in conversation (text or in person) wich is why I use nicknames a lot

The more I like a character the harder it is for me to look at images of them for reference out of shame for 'messing them up' with my own interpretation

It's happening with some of my current interests like pikmin and ff7 (just typing ff7 made me feel shame that's how bad it is)

It's less bad with pikmin because of how simple an accessible it is.

It's really bad with ff7 because of how much of a legacy it has with nerdy men in their 30s and 40s

(I got smugly mocked in a comment section for saying I didn't like a character getting slapped cause I thought it wasn't deserved. I know it shouldn't matter but I think about it whenever I think of ff7 and the fact that I'm letting some smug dick ruin a thing for me makes me upset and ect ect ect spiral spiral spiral)

----

The more I like the thing, the more I avoid the thing out of shame for my enjoyment of it.

It's exhausting yes.

It has damaged my art and relation to the things I enjoy.

At least it feels good to type all this out and get it off my chest.

[drawberry03]

Sorry if this is super annoying but I just found your TSoF comic and was wondering if it was ever coming back, of if it's been finished and I just can't find the ending

Hello anon, don't worry it's not annoying. Glad to hear you like it so much ❤️ . Unfortunately TSOF is far from being finished 🥺. I haven't been able to work on any of my art for months now actually.

It's not out of laziness though! In fact I've bought a display tablet back in June 😗. The shorthand answer as to why I stopped posting is because I have health issues specifically with my hands and wrist. I meant to post this update months prior but I kinda just forgot about it sorry 😵‍💫.

Anyways, a few months ago I was both working and had my internship at the same time (12 hours + of work 😩). I was a UI/UX designer intern and if that wasn't enough my job required using the computer as well. Due to that my hands have been really tired 🤔. It's either my wrist from using my mouse for long hours or the joints of my fingers from typing and tapping left click and whatnot. This went on for about three months give or take. There have been mornings when I wake up with trigger fingers and it's kinda scary.

If you don't know what trigger finger is, basically the tendons are swollen and I wake up with my finger joints 'locked" into a curled position. And when you try to uncurl it, it's pretty painful and curls back on its own. One time I had to support my finger with a makeshift splint from a popsicle stick and yarn pfffttt.

https://www.brisbanephysiotherapy.com/news/trigger-finger-physiotherapy-management

Sometimes I don't even need to overwork them, holding my phone for too long or even something like cold weather makes my joints slightly ache. Basically my hands have been overworked and though I haven't gotten them checked, I'm pretty certain experiencing these symptoms in my early 20s isn't okay.

As soon as I could, I've avoided drawing (and writing and crochet and pretty much all my hobbies that use my hands). It sucks cuz that pretty much means it'll be a while before I can really have fun with my new tablet (which would've been another learning curve delay). Thankfully with my internship over with, I've been using the extra time to either rest my hands or find ways to support them (I've bought wrist casts, a heating pad and sports tape thus far). Yeah, so I've been trying to take it easy (as much as I can anyways I still have work after all).

Low key it kinda brought up a fear in me of never being able to draw again. And the problem with me is that when I'm in the zone you can expect me to draw for HOURS and I'll barely even notice 👁️👄👁️ . Plus trying to accomplish anything under 1 hour never seems enough to me. So I decided it was for the best to stop completely. To my fellow artists out there I hope you never have to go through the same thing 😵‍💫. Please rest your precious hands, don't be like me 🤣🙏.

For more happy news, I graduated 🎓 last October!!! 🎈 And I have continued working in my job 👏. I'm building my career and doing well generally speaking. My busy schedule is very much still busy but I really miss drawing too 😭.

I'm not really sure when I can go back to posting 🥲 cuz overworking myself again will set my recovery progress back to 0. However I can tell that my hands are definitely getting better (still not a full recovery but at least waking up with trigger fingers has stopped).

Be assured that all my unfinished works (whether its for gojohime, astelle, shortaki etc.) are still in the back burner of my brain. And I will get back to them when my health gets even better 😗.  And a big thanks to anyone that is still waiting by the time I come back 😌 💖.

[somthing-lavender]

I edited the Tristan platoon's designs

The overall idea is they all look like one big group, but Tristan and Jade don't match as much as they do with the others.

Themes

All: Button ups, vertical lines*, Magenta*

Tristan, Isolde, Chion: Blue

Isolde, Chion, Jade: Horizontal lines on their arms

Tristan, Chion, Jade: They're all lowkey copying each other

Changes

Tristan: I just recolored his shoes cause I thought the gold looked tacky.

Isolde: I just made her leotard longer cause 1) I'm tired of people calling it underwear 2) We all know Nakaba was using his d*ck when designing her 3) I think she looks a bit better with it.

Chion: I got lazy so Even in the original design Chion was probably copping Tristan, so that's why I kept the same armour pattern, belt, and similar shoes. The only difference in the shoes is the pattern (which is like Jade's now)

I gave him a similar button up to what Gilthunder had, but I made it blue to match the blue theme.

Jade: If Chion is copying Tristan, Jade is copying Chion to fit in. So same belt. He has the same shoe pattern as Chion but without the Tristan blue and in brown.

I gave him the earing* he had for a panel along with a pocket I stole from another outfits of his (believe it's a volume extra were him and Chion have tea).

At this point I was struggling and his design was basic. But then I realized that Isolde and Chion both have arm covers. I simplified that to horizontal lines on they're arms and gave it to Jade. For the color I chose a dark magenta (Isolde&Chion -> pink+purple) in hopes it'll help him fit in with them more.

I gave him white pants cause 1) I felt like it 2) he sorta matches with Isolde now with lighter colored leg covers 3) otherwise there was too much black in one spot and was worried his figure could of been lost in action scenes

Other notes (at like "Chion's shirt color" the notes are completely random)

Vertical lines and magenta: The only vertical lines on Jade's design was from his button up and zipper.

Meanwhile them all having magenta/purple was by chance. Tristan just so happened to have magenta in his pendent (which I like cause with the new meaning I gave to the color, he has both Isolde and Chion in his design). It's still hard to see.

This was by chance but I think it's fitting that they may both have a them that the whole group shares, but one express that theme more than the other. Again the goal was them to match, but not as much as they do the others

Earing: I hc that Jade may of started wearing an earring like Tristan does in hopes of being more of Isolde's "type." (That or Elizabeth and Tristan started a trend and Jade is trying to fit in). Honestly upset they got rid of the earing.

Why Isolde isn't copping anyone (at least as much): this is the same hc I use in canon. She priorities her own fashion taste over matching with the boys.

Chion's shirt color: Tristan, Isolde, and Chion use to have the same hue of blue. Thing is it made it look like Chion was wearing a long sleeved version of Isolde's shirt. I tried changing the shade, coloring the buttons white, reminding myself Isolde's vertical lines are seems while Chion's is a pattern. But it really made Jade standout amongst the 3 if them. So I made Chion's shirt closer to a true blue instead cyan.

What color are Isolde's accessories?: In official art they've been the same shade of pink as her hair, to a dark magenta, to purple (like Chion purple).

[dawnexpanse-central]

Infrequently Asked Questions

What is the Dawn Expanse, and why does it exist?

The Dawn Expanse is an aroaceagender worldbuilding project created by @roguetelepaths.

It can best be described as an act of radical imagination— if we only ever see ourselves as outsiders in an allonormative, amatonormative, binary world, then we have no choice but to accept our marginalization. If we build worlds with ourselves at the center, we can become confident enough to center our own needs and aims in this world.

Queer worldbuilding projects of all kinds are important and often neglected tools of empowerment, and this blog would love to connect with others running similar projects.

What do you mean, "aroaceagender worldbuilding project"?

The Dawn Expanse can be loosely compared to Aristasia (though without the reactionary and imperialistic overtones of that project) — a femme lesbian subculture based around a fantasy country where femininity and relationships between women were considered not just default, but a fundamental law of nature. I should note that while this subculture has been made up of people with varying and often abhorrently conservative political positions, it no longer really exists and those I've seen talk the most about it these days are mostly left-leaning trans women. There is no real-world subculture based around the Dawn Expanse, or at least, there isn't one yet, however, the basic principle is the same. The Dawn Expanse is a world in which everyone is aroaceagender. More precisely, it's a world in which gender, sexuality, and romance never had a reason to exist, and therefore do not. The project aims both to provide comfort to those who have the specific experience I'm representing here and to explore the unique social structures of such a world.

So do you hate gender/sex/romance, or people for whom those things are important?

If this blog was devoted to cat videos, would you ask me if I hated dogs?

I'm not aro, ace, and/or agender. Can I read this?

I'm not a cop.

I'm not aro, ace, and/or agender. Will I enjoy this?

I don't know. Will you?

Are you some kind of aroaceagender separatist?

No. The number of different experiences under each of those labels, the incredibly small subcategory of people who fit into all three, and the even smaller fraction of that group that experiences their identities in the same way I do would make an honest to goodness real-world "aroaceagender separatist" position both a laughable one to take and an impossible one to execute.

I am, however, an aroaceagender person who prioritizes my relationships with those who either share my experience or are willing to show that they respect and affirm it.

If the Dawn Expanse doesn't have 🌶️🌶️ spicy romance 🌶️🌶️, what does it have?

Literally everything else? Idk man, is your world so narrow that you think a piece of art has to have that to be interesting? You've got BookTok, 99% of AO3, and many, many sites specifically devoted to written erotica if that's what you're after. Let the rest of us have one thing.

But to answer the question in more detail, the tone of the Dawn Expanse aims to be tonally similar to animated series such as Steven Universe, The Owl House, or She-Ra and the Princesses of Power in its approach to balancing interpersonal conflicts with higher stakes world events. Thematically, it aims to explore community bonds, sense of place or lack thereof, and the false dichotomy of order and entropy.

Can I write my own stories in the Dawn Expanse setting?

Yes! I'll be writing a more detailed post about what to consider when doing this at some point.

Can I run a tabletop campaign in the Dawn Expanse setting?

Absolutely. In fact, one of my eventual goals for this project is a system-agnostic RPG setting guide. (Though, knowing me, it'll probably be biased towards the Cypher System, my favorite do-it-all RPG ruleset.)

You're really mean in some of the replies to these imaginary questions. Why?

I'm tired. That's why. The good news is that if you actually take the time to talk to me in good faith, I'm not nearly this much of an asshole. So the rudeness is probably not directed at you.

[starrtoon]

I did NOT know that they had that kind of person on team with the Poison episode 😬😬 yikes.

I feel like there are a LOT of things that I could go on about it over (ya know...about the blatant blasphemy everywhere in it). The sympathetic lucifer story, the twisted Eden backstory, the angel's being Like That (I mean I guess you can look at it like "Some Christians act this way towards people because they think being Christian makes them better than others" but there is a better way to address that than the way this show is)....I fear that the day will come that they use a God/Jesus character and paint Him in a poor light while uplifitng Lucifer. I'm not sure if I would be more angry about that or sad/worried on behalf of the creators of the show.

I can see what feels like wasted potential in the more original aspects of the show. I feel like it could have been so much better if she had taken the original ideas/characters and the idea of redemption/forgivness and then placed them all in a fictional separate world that didn't include, as you said, the obvious blasphemy. I enjoy the music, the animation/art style (granted the pilot's animation was preferable).

....I feel like they were just trying to make St. Peter look like a stereotypical youth pastor. And one of the songs says "It'll take time to cover my vast multitude of sins" and I can't help but be like "that isn't hOW thAt WORKs"

I appriciate your response. It's good to see a lot of my thoughts were shared. I have difficulties pulling myself out of things when I get pulled in, so I've had some time to really think about the things that COULD have been good and the things that take away from it as a whole, what I'd have done differently, etc.

I've just taken to praying for the people who have worked on it and hoping they have the decency to not put "God" or "Jesus" on screen in the next season and make them awful. (Though I guess I did KNOW that they couldn't proceed with the show without taking a lot of things out the the Bible and twisting it around).

(I won't bother ya anymore with it btw. Some of it did just genuinely baffle me & I appriciate you taking the time to respond too me <3)

I'm sooo getting tired of media making satan 'misunderstood' lol. it got old fast, and there are some people who actually try to say the show is accurate 😭 I saw someone claim that it's true that satan wanted best for humans and that was why he was kicked from heaven. they clearly never read the Bible seeing that satan wanted to dethrone God.

yeah I could see they're trying to criticize Christians who basically do whatever they want (being hateful and evil in a different way) but still think they're going to heaven. but like you said, it coulda been done better than the show did lol

ikr, it had so much potential. and I do admit a few of the songs get stuck in my head from time to time, especially when a clip of the show appears on my tiktok FYP lol.

they probably took some doctrines from catholicism for that line XD don't they believe people will still go through some trails to pay for their sins even if they're saved? uhhh purgatory? lol

no problem! and oh gosh, yeah same, I hope they never add God/Jesus in it 😬 thankfully from the intro, it made it look like multiple angelic beings were technically the 'gods' who created earth. I'm sure they'd get a 'helluva' lot of backlash if they actually put Jesus in it.

also I don't mind if you wanna share more thoughts on the show or anything else. even if I take a while to answer asks, my ask box is always open 😊👍

[tsukioreo]

I heard you were having some troubles with devices breaking for you and so you’ve opted to doing commissions? I’m unable to pay for a big commission but I was wondering if you have a patron so I could support you there? I’d love to be able to support you but as I said I currently am unable to pay a large sum for a commission sadly, though I would love to one day as your art is magnificent. Thank you and have a nice day! <3

Oh wow that's like... so damn adorable and sweet ?? I don't have a patreon sadly tho I have a ko-fi ( https://ko-fi.com/tsukioreo ) but it's just for donation so please don't worry about it, my laptop and phone are not related to my art, not completely so I feel kinda not legitimate to ask help about it...

Tho I'm taking the opportunity to rant about my current situation cause it's just blowing my mind and I am so super exhausted on a daily because of it.

I have (well had now yeay -_-) a lenovo legion laptop which was my everyday useful, very good for staying at anytime with my rabbit in the living room and playing some games here and there, photoshop, the basic. Tho I had a crack on the top lid and because of that I was scared to close it and decided to repair that issue since the cracked appeared to get bigger. I gave it to a repair shop ( just remindind that I live in Japan so shops with english speakers is a bit rare, I speak japanese tho for some technical issues I prefer to be able to understand everything fully and since no one speaks french, english is somewhat possible to find ). They gave me a diagnostic with so many problems in the laptop : a fan which was broken, the lid, another crack in a screw hole or whatever that was and the hinges which had to be changed. The shop has good review so I didn't question it and I got pics so yeah alright I accept to repair it for 55.000yen, which is a lot of money considering it's more than half of my salary. But I want to repair it, my mom gifted me this computer and I love it. After I got a call from the shop that the replacement pieces have arrived I gave the machine and I was told that I could get it back the same day or the next. I didn't have any news the next day so I decided to call and on the phone "Oh yeah, thanks for calling, well bad news your computer isn't responding anymore" well great my computer worked absolutely fine, never had any issue. They said that probably the fan they installed fried my motherboard so it's just... dead. The repair service killed my laptop.

To make it even better, the day I gave my laptop to them, the same night I noticed my phone back camera had ceased to work... How great right. In Japan, it's like COMMON to use QR code to order at the restaurant etc so I absolutely need it. It's an iPhone, and it's not under warranty so I can't go through Apple or it'll cost way too much in here, I decided to go to an electronic shop, with again a lot of good reviews, to handle it. They don't speak english but we understand each other well enough. I was told that the new camera would arrive in 2-3 days and here I am a week later still waiting. They also scared me by saying that there is a risk the screen would crack while opening the device and if it happens I'd have to pay extra 30.000yen for the new screen, dude isn't it your job to repair things without breaking those further ?? What is going on, is it so normal what the hell.

So for the laptop we decided that they would order a computer (used one) to replace mine, almost identical except for the CPU, and that they'd refund me 10.000yen of the price I paid, which isn't so bad and actually I don't have much choice. But still they need so many days, it's been like what, 4 days the other laptop got delivered and I got a call about the keyboard cause japanese keyboards don't have as much symbols as french ones and I need those to write in my language.. And that'd take another 2 days to just change the keyboard.

I am just soooo tired of the situation, especially cause I am finally going to vacation with my SO next week and they don't make the problem they created a priority... and the phone shop keeping to say everytime I ask for news on the phone "yeah it will arrive tomorrow or the day after tomorrow" for a week now...

So sorry for the rant but I am so damn stressed, it has nothing to do with you guys and I am so happy to have your support, honestly it's my only fuel right now. I haven't drawn for a week and getting that commission helped a lot, tho messages and love will always remain the best.

I appreciate all of you, thank you always

❤️

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary156

2/17-18/2024

2 songs done today.

still need to go back to the problem song but i am too tired i feel like to make good decisions on that.

i think i cut my bangs too short today, but they're doing that really irritating thing w/ my wavy hair where they just kind of go in weird directions. i dislike it a lot.

anyway here's the thing i got yesterday:

hopefully the tiny bit it's missing barely matters. it's the lid but this isn't for storage, that's actually a little teapot for brewing looseleaf tea, and i think her body is actually cups you pour into? it's very sweet. she even has a sister, i have to take a picture of them together.

at least having my bangs at my eyebrows makes me pay more attention to them. i kind of like having them thick, it's like, cute, to me. but i also want to look not masculine really, so i'm kind of figuring out how to have that going on, thick and cute, and not like, bushy, i guess. i don't like them being bushy, so i'm just kind of spreading them a little wider, narrowing them at the middle too, so i think it'll help my eyes appear wider and stuff. it's weird to deal with that but it feels nice i guess, i hope tomorrow when i shower and stuff, i look cute or feel cute at least.

anyways i just did more pixel art gutss, but i need to wake up earlier, i just need to freaking sleep rn basically, sucks, i am having fun being awake rn, listening to hellnation. oh. i forget, i was going to work out. i feel like i just have to rn. i want to keep the routine up, it's very good for me. brb.

i started another gut thingy, this one is gonna be a fun ornament. these are sort of turning into pixel art typographic ornaments, def inspired by art nouveau things, specifically. like this:

but they're you know, guts, or, organ-y things. this next one, i'm thinking about putting some kind of eye-like bulb at the bottom idk.

anyway i have to finish it tomorrow becuz now i need to sleep so:

byebye!!!!!!!!!!

[invitationtotheatreatfordham]

First play

I recently wrote a play with multiple people for the first time. I hope that you enjoy the script and reading of the script:

Inv. to Theatre Final Draft 

Exposition (Sean): 

Narrator

”This story begins in the boroughs of New York  An Area filled with music, diverse culture, and Worldly influence. The bright sounds of music filling the homes of the residents last all through the night. The summer is ending and students are heading back to school. So we must shift our focus on two specific students. These students come from different backgrounds but have the same passion for the art of orchestra and instruments. In this story we will dive into the lives of these two students. 

Scene Opens to Malakai walks to the piano  

Malakai 

“My name is Malakai, this is my story. I am a Son, a Student, a Sibling, and a lover of the arts, specifically music. Everything around me is music. Everything I hear is music, life speaks to me as music. I remember my dad as music. I can’t remember his face but I remember the music he used to play and the way his beard scratched my face to the notes of a song of love. He died when I was young. I don’t remember his face but I remember his music, and my father loved music. Even my name is music like these notes.

(Three notes play.)

Malakai

Ma. La. Kai. I. Love. You.

(The lights go up as Malakai looks at the piano. He’s never played one. He slowly walks over and examines the piano. He sits down and plays a few notes. Chad burst into the room.)

Chad 

Oh sorry!

Malakai

Oh no, you’re okay. I’ve never played one before so…

Chad:

You’ve never played a piano?! But you got to a music school!

Malakai

I know but I just-

Chad

Wait! I heard about you. You’re the transfer student right? What was your name

 Malakai

My name is Malakai. I'm from harlem

Chad

You come all the way down here everyday?

Malakai

It's not that bad of a commute. I just take the D train. 

Chad

So you had to pay 2.90 to get down to school every day and back? 

Malakai

No, The school gave me a stipend for it, so I basically have a Metro card

Chad

Well, that's a relief for you. I just have a cab Drop me off every day. 

Malakai

Isn't that expensive? 

Chad

Not for me. My parents pay for every trip. 

Malakai

*Under his breath* That's such a privilege. 

Chad

I wouldn't call it a privilege. I would just call it hard work from my parents. 

Malakai

I mean, my parents work hard too, which is why. I've been given the opportunity to come to this school. 

Chad

To each their own. 

Malakai

What instruments do you play?

Chad

I pretty much play Everything from piano to violin to the cello.

Malakai

I just played the violin, that's all I was taught. And then I'm starting to learn piano. But the piano lessons are expensive, so I have to get the people from my church to teach me.

Chad

You can always just borrow my teacher. He'd be more willing to take a charity case.

Malakai

No thanks. My mom told me taking handouts won't give me the opportunity to earn my success. 

Chad 

That won't get you anywhere, they'll just make you very tired and it'll take you so long to get where you want. 

Malakai

I guess so, but I'm a patient person, so I don't mind the wait. 

Chad

You're decently good at playing that piano, though. I don't really think you need any lessons.

Malakai

I've heard that a lot, but I do personally think I need more lessons so I can be the best at my craft 

Initial Incident (Sean): 

Chad 

Do you know what? You're so good that you should try to audition for the concert spot open for the City Orchestra.

Malakai

I never heard of that. What is it?

Chad 

Well, it's just an orchestra for an annual ball that a bunch of famous people go to. And the governors and sometimes the president. It's like a super big opportunity if you want to be a Pianist 

Malakai

Wanna see? I can audition without the audition.Music sheet.

Chad

Oh, no worries at all. I'll just get you one of my spares.

Malakai

Oh, thanks. You're actually really cool. 

Chad

I've heard that a lot From everyone I mean.It's a trait I learned from my parents. 

Rising Action (Matt): 

Malakai 

I see, well I’ve got to head home now and make the train.

**Malakai starts to exit but stops as Chad speaks to him**

Chad

Wait!  How am I gonna get the sheet to you?

Malakai

You can mail it to me. 

Chad

 No need I’ll just drop it off later

Malakai

I won’t be home since I have work but my mom will be there.

Chad 

Nice, here’s my number just text me your address 

Chad gives Malakai his number

Scene cuts to Chad exiting his car to Malakai’s duplex apartment 

Chad

Driver wait here, I’ll be right back.

Chad exits the car and heads to Malakais door and knocks

Malakai’s mother Ms.Smith opens the door to a 5’6 young male 

Ms.Smith

Hi, How can I help you?

Chad

Nice to meet you I’m Chad Malakai’s new school friend.

Ms.Smith

Oh how lovely, do you need something, some food 

Chad

No no, thank you for your hospitality though

Ms.Smith

You’re such a nice young man. We don’t see many like you in this area

Chad

I appreciate it.

Ms.Smith 

Oh what’s that in your hand there is for it me?

Chad

Oh right! I came to drop this off for Malakai for an audition he’s going to do.

Chad hands the music sheet paper to Ms.Smith 

Ms.Smith

Thank you I’ll make sure he gets it, Please come over anytime I love seeing new faces

Chad

Will do, Nice to meet Ms.Smith

Chad exits  

Climax (T-4):

(Lights up on Malakai playing piano. He writes notes onto an empty sheet. It’s his fathers old song that was never finished. Chad enters stage left. He enters laughing.)

Malakai:

 How’d it go for you?

Chad: 

It was easy. It was bound to be. I mean if you practiced as much as me, plus it was a simple piece anyway.

Malakai

It was? I thought it was pretty hard. I couldn’t quite get the harmonies right and I don't quite understand the pedals yet so I wasn't able to do this part.

(Malakai shows Chad.)

Chad

 I didn’t have that in my audition part.e

(Chad exits stage left. Malakai stays on stage. Spotlight on Malakai. Gaspard de la Nuit.)

Malakai: 

It wasn’t easy really. I had been working so hard to balance my personal life with doing what I love. I was balancing working my job at the bodega on 127th, writing my dad’s songs, helping my momma out, and playing this piece. Gaspard de la Nuit. I don’t exactly know how to say it but I know how to play it. Sort of. But it’s the most complicated piece of music I had ever seen; even the little section that the conductor gave us felt impossible. I thought I had done good. I thought it was so good that I recorded the damn thing! I wonder if dad ever felt like that. If he was ever so proud of himself in the moment that he pulled out his phone or his friend pulled out a mic and a tape or however they used to record shit in the 90s. This is the piece I performed in the rehearsal room.

(We hear the piece being played amazingly.) 

Malakai:

 I felt amazing. I felt untouchable. And then I saw the call sheet. I read that sheet about twenty damn times. I combed that paper over and over and over again until my eyes got tired until all the words on the call sheet evaporated into the air and became the notes of the air blowing on my face.The discordant minor 2nd that bellowed in the back of my eyes. As the tears welled up. I couldn’t believe that I had failed! I couldn’t believe that I didn’t make it! I fucking recorder myself! It took me a couple of hours of standing there trying not to cry for me to realize that that’s what mattered. What mattered most was that I as an artist felt that it was important enough, powerful enough, beautiful enough for me to record.

(Malakai exits stage right. Chad enters stage right. Spotlight on Chad.)

Chad

Okay, okay, okay! I know I cheated, but is it cheating? He should know better than to believe that the conductor would actually make us play that! I mean how dumb can you get. Anybody with half of a musical brain could see that Gaspard de la Nuit is almost impossible to play. And for you to even attempt it without years of experience is your own fault. Even after years I still can’t. Even after all the money my parents spent on lessons, extra lessons, and private lessons I still can’t. Even after my dad played it at Carnegie Hall. I still can’t play the damn piece! And all those lessons did was get me admitted to this fucking school that let a nobody like Malakai in for free! If it’s so fucking easy to do what I do! If it’s so damn easy that a bum from the ghetto’s of Harlem can do it!  Why did I work so hard? Why did it take me my whole life to get where I am and he has the gall to think he can do the same! So I cheated! He needed to learn, to understand that we are not the same! We are not in the same boat or ship or even the same sea! And even if we were. Even if we somehow ended up in the same ocean. He’d barely be clinging onto a life raft as I coast by laying in the sun on the biggest galleon in the world. Because that’s what we deserve. He was born in the ghetto because that’s what he deserves, that's what he earned. That's his home for a reason! And this is my home for a reason. Because as my father says. I’m meant for more.

(Chad sits down at the piano and plays. Malakai rushes in.)

Chad:

 You’re late. Again.

Malakai:

 I know.

(Chad slams on the keys.)

Chad:

 No you don’t know! Because it keeps happening! Do you lack a concept of time?!

Malakai:

 No! I know that. I just have a lot going on!

Chad: 

No shit! We all have a lot going on but we still manage to make it on time!

Malakai: 

I’m sorry, man. Chill! I’ve been trying to make it on time.

Chad:

 Clearly not hard enough if you’re still not making it.

Malakai:

 Look I’m trying man! I had a situation!

Chad:

 And I didn’t? Do you know what I had to deal with in the morning? I had to deal with my dad screaming his lungs out about how the piece was too convoluted. And yelling at me about how I’m not trying hard enough and how I don’t give enough of a damn about music and that’s why I’m not the best in the class! That’s why I’m stressed out about getting beat by-

(He stops himself.)

Chad:

 It doesn’t matter.

Malakai:

 I’m sorry, okay!

Chad: 

Whatever. Why are you even here? You’re not even in the musician’s discipline! Don’t you have songs to write?

Malakai:

 I wanted to play out what I already have first but it’s okay. I’m sorry that my tardiness irked you so bad.

(Malakai goes to leave. He stops himself.)

Malakai:

 The reason I was late was because the Bodega I worked at got robbed.

Chad:

 Sure. Like I’d actually believe that!

Malakai: 

It’s true! I don’t know why I expected you to understand.

Chad:

 Even when you told me to drop off the music you tried to use that lie! Just admit that you were out hooping with your friends or something! Just quit lying!

Malakai:

 I’m not! I work at Benny’s Bodega on 127th and 1st. And we were robbed this morning by Tyson.

Chad:

 Who’s Tyson?

Malakai:

 The neighborhood thief! Ah damn it. Why should I explain myself to you!

Chad:

 Because it’s a waste of all of our time! I bet that’s why you didn’t get the solo!

Malakai:

 I didn’t get the solo because you were better than me. But I was a fool to think that you could ever understand!

CHad:

 Understand what? 

Malakai:

 Understand what the rest of us go to! What us peasants have to deal with, because you get everything handed to you! You get all these resources that nobody else can afford! All because your dad is some sort of superstar!

Chad:

 Exactly! So, I have to live up to his expectations! I don’t have to worry about some bullshit bodega instead I have to live up to the legend that is my father!

Malakai:

 Whatever man.

(Malakai exits.)

Chad:

What if he is right? What if everything he’s saying is true? I find it hard to believe, but I have to get to the bottom of this.

(Chad sits with everything that happened. The lights fade out.)

Falling Action (Cadiz):  

*Chad walks ups to Malakai’s door and knocks*

Mrs. Smith

Oh hello, Chad! It’s so nice to see you. I’m glad you took me up on my invitation. 

Chad

Of course. Thank you for having me.

Mrs. Smith

Please, come take a seat. 

(They both sit down.)

Mrs. Smith

So what brings you here? 

Chad

Well, Mrs. Smith, I’m just confused about Malakai. He says all these things about getting robbed and not having enough time to practice and I’m just not sure if I believe any of what he says. 

Mrs. Smith

Well, Chad, everything that he’s told you is true, as much as I don’t want to believe it. Malakai has had nothing short of an easy life. I’m not entirely sure if Malakai told you this, but his father passed away when he was only 4. Although he was young and doesn’t remember too much about him, what he does remember is the music. His father was a well known musician within this area, and he showed Malakai every range of music possible, from Billie Holiday to R & B, to Rap and Hip Hop. I so clearly remember Malakai’s face lighting up whenever he would play something on our record player. So, after my husband passed away, he felt that music was the only thing he had left to connect him to his father. That’s why all of this means so much to him. That’s why he goes out of his way to work a job to support our family that’s barely hanging on. That’s why he deals with the robberies and the fights. That’s why he goes through an hour-long commute to that music school in the first place. None of this is easy for him. And while I’ve tried my best to sacrifice what I can for him, it isn’t enough. It’s also why he was so down about the solo, because people like him need to latch onto those types of opportunities. They don’t come by often. I have faith in him that he will accomplish his dream. That child has a fire and passion in him that I can’t even begin to explain. And it all came from his father. 

 Chad

Wow, Mrs. Smith, I didn’t know any of this. 

Mrs. Smith

Well, that’s my son. He struggles in silence. But he’s a hard worker. And the most deserving boy that I know. 

Resolution (Makan): 

*Scene segways to Chad waiting for Malakai. Malakai enters*

 *Malakai scoffs with a prattled look on his face*

Malakai

What do you want?

Chad

Well, I've been thinking alot lately and I needed to talk to you about something, mind if I come in?

*Malakai opens the door wider and extended his arm leading to his living room and both characters sit across from one another*

Chad 

Anybody home

Malakai

Nah, my mom is at work right now.

Malakai

What is it you wanted to talk about?

Chad

Take a deep breath. 

You know the competition we were in last week, you know the one I won

Malakai

Look man if you're gonna come here to gloat about that damn solo spot than you can just leave.

Chad: 

Come on man, i didn't come here for any of that. its not about the winning or losing but how it happend. I wanted to tell you something that's been eating at me since i won the solo spot it just doesn't sit right with me

*Malakai crosses his arms and leans in*

Malakai

Well? Spit it out.

Chad

Malakai, i cheated to win the competition. I wanted to tell you sooner when i got invited over for dinner but i couldn't glad thats off my chest.

Malakai

You cheated?

*Malakai raises his eyebrow, then bursts out laughing*

Malakai

And mary had a little lamb. Dude, i knew all along.

*Chad appears taken aback, surprised by Malakai’s nonchalant reaction*

Chad

What type of reaction is THAT. You KNEW? And you didnt say anything?

*Malakai leans back, still chuckling*

Malakai

Dude,the only reason I even entered the competition was to just play piano. Winning or losing didn't matter to me. I could tell you were so desperate to win that you'd do anything. Besides, it's not like you're a bad musician; you didn't even need to cheat if I'm being honest. At the end of the day, all I need is me and music, and I know I’m alright. 

Chad

 So you're not mad?

Malakai

Oh I'm livid, but I don't really care.

*Chad face becomes wrinkly, as his eyebrows frowned. On the sunny side of the street by Billie Holiday plays*

Chad 

So I took the time outta my day to leisurely stroll through your cubicle looking home and apologize just for you not to care.

*Malakai shrugged*

Malakai

Sounds about right.

Narrator

As we can see between Chad and Malakai, there can be common ground, even within different socioeconomic backgrounds. Music has the ability to bring common ground, inspire passion, and motivate individuals to follow their dreams, regardless of anything that might hold them back. 

[bitty-bits]

A Jolly SineTrismas

It surely was another year. Let's look back at some stuff, and forward to other stuff, in the final Bitty Bits edition of 2022.

First of all, happy holidays to all who celebrate. Yeah it is a bit late on the "more famous holiday" side of things, but there are still others going on, and... in general it's probably never wrong to be festive during all of December. (It's also not wrong to NOT be festive! Just pointing that out!)

Many things happened in this late half of the year, controversial things, stupid things, all things. Here I will talk about some that mattered to me, to some extent.

(Also, RIP bozo...naro! Good riddance!)

This issue is dedicated to @rick-666, friend and avid newsletter enthusiast who encouraged me to try to fix the broken ass email form thingy that should actually send these posts as newsletter things but just isn't working! I'll have it fixed next year, I promise!!!!

My Work - Where To Next?

So I've made and tried to make many things through the years, but as someone who pretty much does anything all the time, I'm finding myself often doing... nothing at the end of it.

In 2020 I basically started work on Ketchup Dreams by making its first characters, Bitty and Lake, with more to follow the coming years... but still nothing too substantial. Pondered with which medium to present these characters in. Comics? Animation? In the end I'd just continue adding some things here and there to the overall project, but it still doesn't seem like enough. I really want to build a good universe for these guys to live in.

So at the moment I feel kinda directionless. But hopefully that will change. I guess I won't know what sticks until I actually do stuff.

From Bitty also came the entire aesthetic, motif, symbol, meaning AND name for, I guess you can call my "indie" studio/group/label thing... which my future creative works will be released under, and who knows maybe even friends' creations. The "ᑎᐱ" thing was kind of accidental, but I liked it enough that I wanted it to mean something for me. Not to sound corny and dumb, but to me "ᑎᐱ" is kinda like another representation of the polarity we have in life, much like black and white, but in this case it would be something like... smooth and sharp. Yeah I'm not gonna try to give too much meaning to it, it's just for fun, mostly. Bitty's ears initially were meant to just be bunny + kitty ears (hence the incredibly original name) for an asymmetrical design, but that basically spiraled into everything else.

All that said I'm still doing stuff every now and then, I even have been experimenting with tweaking Lake's design slightly, you can even see a little bit of that in the header art here. More on that some other time...

You can check the current "roadmap" for Studio SineTri projects on the pinned tweet.

Why not "TriSine" instead? Because that just... sounds too normal. "Tri" is an existing and common prefix. Also the order matters.

The Tesla In The Room

I don't think I need to talk much about the whole thing with Elon Musk buying Twitter and everything that came with it. Mostly I'm just tired of it all. Billionaires, other than beings that shouldn't exist, are Boring and not even in a funny kind of way (except for Bill Gates, his mere existence is comedic to me probably thanks to early internet culture) I wish I just didn't have to hear about 'em. But I guess we can't.

Anyways this entire situation practically got me back into being on Tumblr daily, after I had left it in favor of Twitter in like 2015, and now... the opposite is happening, that's just how sick I am of Twitter. Not just the website itself but the people in it and the energy that usually comes out of there these days. Musk was simply a final nail in the coffin. The problem is... he just keeps adding more nails. Here's hoping Elon doesn't ruin the very last thing that made Twitter "fun" to me - TweetDeck, but chances it'll survive are slim.

I'm also on Mastodon btw. Juuust in case.

AI Art Discourse - What's Happening?!

"A Still of Klonoa in The Simpsons"

Speaking of Twitter, probably one of the least pleasing topics to witness over there lately will be this.

No doubt, "AI art" as a concept pretty much exploded into popularity in 2022, while it already existed in concept years before, this was pretty much the one year that, 5 years ago, we'd look at machine learning attempting art and say "now just think about how that'll be 5 years from now", and well, that time IS now. Kinda.

There's legitimate worry about whether or not the computer would be able to replace artists, but... personally I don't think it will ever BECAUSE... there will still always be a demand for humanity and human-created content no matter how good any sort of AI gets, and well, currently AI still struggles with "drawing" many things. But it's fine, earlier this year people were mostly memeing with AI generators, being impressed, confused, having a laugh, or everything all at once.

Until computers making drawings suddenly were no longer seen as cool but rather, bad!!! evil!!! problematic!!! etc. even though the reason for that all stems from... misconceptions and misinformation (sometimes on purpose, just because... I dunno. Internet rewards people who get angry at things.) about how the technology works to begin with. No, AI doesn't simply collage a bunch of pictures together, that just isn't how it works, even if it knows what a Mona Lisa looks like almost perfectly. It's hard to put it into words, but this thread I believe explains it a bit better in simpler terms (hopefully), even if you still don't understand, it's... best to not be too ignorant about it.

Of course, I DO think AI ethics is an important conversation that should happen, but not if it's... not gonna be a conversation in the first place. If it sounds too extreme, reactionary, or sounds just about as crazy as anything you'd hear coming from Alex Jones or like, your pro-life uncle™, then it probably isn't the way to go.

This made even people who think photography isn't art come out of their closets, if they even were in one.

There are good use cases for AI in art. One of them is allowing disabled individuals to also partake and experiment with visual arts. Yes, technically nothing "stopped" them from "really" doing it, but just look at how much that argument almost slips into ableism territory (and there is a surprising amount of that coming from some anti-AI folks.) Hell, I could've used AI to create a background for the art on my header as I'm mostly... a character illustrator, focused on characters, and just don't really enjoy drawing backgrounds much at all.

Anyways I recommend y'all check out AWAY (Are We Art Yet), a collective of artists and creators alike embracing AI but also fighting for more ethical AI usage (discussion about scraping images from the web, consent for works to be used as training data, etc.), without the reactionarism and sometimes ableism. They're a friendly bunch.

What I’ve Been Playing / Watching

Gravity Falls

Well, does it really?

Hey Kids, Have You Heard Of Gravity Falls? The show's 10th anniversary was this year and, having heard mostly only good things about it since then, AND as someone who had recently been sucked deep into the modern Disney TVA pipeline (DuckTales 2017, Amphibia and Owl House are also great and would also recommend), I made it a goal to watch all of it before the year ends.

At first I thought this, like other very successful shows, would have way too many seasons for me to really get into, so I was surprised when I found out that wasn't the case.

It's definitely a great show, even 10 years later. From what I saw very little of it comes across as dated when it comes to references or jokes, the characters being likable and interesting are about enough to hook you into it I think. Also Matt Chapman is in there a lot and as an avid Homestar Runner fan, you can just Tell not only through his voices, but his humor and vibes entirely in some episodes.

If there's one thing I probably can't get enough of is Disney cartoons made by some of the most... Non-Disney people on Earth.

The Dream I Had On December 25th

Usually I share my dreams on Twitter, but decided it might be neat to feature some of the more interesting ones right here. They are an essential part of one of my creations after all. This year though, for a reason or another, I had less eventful or weird dreams in general. But waking up on Christmas day this is what was on my mind:

For more of my dreams you can check out my dream journal with stuff since at least 2014, here.

I had a dream I can split up in three parts - first I was at an old house of mine but I could hear a new trailer for the Mario movie premiering far outside, a classic game song could be heard in it and things pointed to it being a Daisy reveal.

Second part was a Strong Bad thing, where I possibly interact with him directly and actually cause a change to homestarrunner.com "accidentally". He makes some sort of analog horror parody, and an old main page gets a new "feature" permanently. I felt a sense of realization since "I caused this". I really wish I remembered more cuz it was great

Third part is the one I can recall the most, it was what seemed like a weird Gravity Falls AU type thing, which is slightly mixed up with The Owl House - In what appears to be the first episode, Grunkle Stan is nowhere to be found, with probably Eda taking his place as the twins' "Graunt". The episode begins with Mabel just wandering around the forest, when she comes across several typically good luck signs all at once, things like four leaf clovers and such. Eda knowing better knows it's a trap and tries to protect Mabel, but she is convinced that Eda is a witch (which probably Should be a secret at first in this alternate timeline I guess, Eda Is Not What She Seems™) and EVIL!!! and ignores her, acting hostile towards her, even, so Eda locks her up in a shelter. Perfectly normal. In there she finds… a journal. It doesn't appear to be -the- GF journal but rather a mix of that and Philip's journal from Owl House. At first it looked like the journal could talk by itself but someone just happened to be there in disguise, it was Soos, who happens to know a couple things about the journal but probably not much. For some reason I was "watching" it in Portuguese and they'd give him a completely different name, likely starting with a hard C, but I can't remember now. Some weird magic thing happens too which I don't remember how it's triggered or when exactly in the episode progression it even happens but it would make food and candy "infinitely stretchy", where you could essentially have infinite amounts of something just by stretching them, and it caused children to go insane over it. Eventually Soos and Mabel made it out of the shelter, with the latter no longer feeling suspicious about Eda. That's about what I can recall.

Song of the Issue

I will now feature some cool music (probably just vgm) I like here, just because. Sometimes topical, sometimes not.

But today it might be.

A secret easter egg track, on the older 2008 MIDI version of the Charlie (the Duck) II soundtrack (that probably came into existence together with the 2008 Windows version of the game, as opposed to the original DOS version which much like other Wiering Software games only had sound effects, at most.)

It would only play on Christmas day, and was basically a slight arrangement of the proper theme, but with some classic Christmas tunes thrown into it.

The OGG/streamed version you hear on the Steam release cuts the song a bit shorter.

More Stuff

Audicons Fluent/2.0/Name Pending

Inspired by Microsoft's Fluent Design aesthetics and technicalities, this will be an update to my existing icon pack for audio formats, covering even more obscure formats that only 3 people know about! Just like the old pack, this will be fully compatible with probably any version of foobar2000. Very soon!

Ninjin on Archive.org

Yeah!

juke...box. AI. video.

yeah dude.

(no, seriously, it'll come out when it comes out. that's it.)

Miscellaneous Tumblr Side Things

I dunno, I just felt like... having a couple dedicated side blogs for specific interests, as some people do, cuz I have ideas. One of them will be about brazilian animation in general. Nothing fancy or scheduled, just things that will exist.

Conclusion

The more I write the more self-conscious I get that I might just be shit at writing Anything, but I still appreciate if anyone actually likes reading through!

Stay tuned for the traditional yearly dumb highlights collage pic™ on my main Tumblr (@lu9) and Twitter (if it's not completely broken by then...)

Bitty's Message of the Day

My new year's resolution is to Exist more!

[tuliharja]

Update concerning my art and Tumblr blog

I'm getting sick and tired of the fact DA is blurring/hiding some of my artwork, because of some ridiculous reason. (Reference to these posts.) It seems they've taken yet another new step by providing this text: "May contain sensitive content. Log in to view." So, if you're a non-DA member, you'll see some of my artworks sporting that text.

What's more, it seems by slamming that text instead of 'mature' or 'unavailable' has now resolved the "issue" as DA has in their help & faqs section 'Known Issues'. For a long time this issue was listed there, but not anymore. So, the issue has been solved. Not really. Some of my artworks are still hidden and I can't figure out why.

What's more, when I looked at why some artworks may be hidden, there was basically a section that if external audiences deem those artworks "don’t align with their interests" those will get hidden.

Excuse me, what? While I can understand real adult themes should be hidden/tagged correctly and somewhat negative emotions (even in that explanation I don't understand why "sadness or other topics associated with negative emotions" can't be shown. Like hello? Those are part of life?) That basically means if the external audiences decide they don't like, say fanart, boom, it gets hidden. Or if they decide 'bunnies don't align with my interest' boom, it gets hidden. I feel like DA is slowly spiraling into children's sites as in 4kids style. Where most ridiculous things get edited (in this case hidden) because someone decided 'nu-huh, I don't like this!'

Well, I'm still trying, despite the fact I'm starting to feel like giving up on DA. I've contacted the staff about this issue and I hope they'll answer to me what's so 'bad' in some of my artworks that those get hidden. Depending on their answer (or the lack of it, since I wouldn't be surprised if they won't answer me or they just tell me 'it's what it's) I might change my main art site.

I've already taken steps on my Tumblr blog to change it more into a personal one. Unfortunately, that means I won't anymore reblog as much as I've before as let's face it: when a person comes to my blog and sees 20-plus posts that are just reblogged, they'll think my blog is just a reblog blog. They won't notice my art. They won't notice my writings. They won't notice any original content I'll make unless it falls into the popular/niche tag.

I know this might sound harsh and some of my followers might be disappointed, but I originally made this blog to interact with people on Tumblr (which, I don't sadly do anymore so often as some people have left Tumblr or things have otherwise changed), post my writings and at times art. But things have changed. I want to show my art without ridiculous restrictions because of someone else.

If I want to post an anime/manga character on the beach with a bikini, I want to. I don't want someone to hide it and make it sound scandalous when it isn't. I want to post pretty drawings of pretty anime/manga characters without someone deciding to hide those because I didn't happen to draw full bodies that would show they're fully dressed up. And there is so much more. I tag very meticulous manner my posts on Tumblr and any other site to ensure people can block those tags if they don't want to see such content. I've played by the rules, but when those rules start to get too ridiculous and like I'm being punished for no reason, I don't see why I should stay on such a site or anymore play by those rules.

Hence, if DA's reply to my inquiry will be a negative one, I think I'll start to be more selective about what to post on that site. I'll still post there, but if it gets hidden the next day, I'll probably just delete the artwork on whisk it on Tumblr and Pixiv and later on to Insta.

I've started to build my Insta as my main art site, but it'll take time.

I've started to post some of my older works here, on Tumblr and Pixiv, but it'll also take time.

This is truly a pity because the way DA has been built is different from any other sites that I'm using at the moment. I just hope my most dread won't become true, but if those will...well, it's what it's. But for my own happiness that should ultimately matter, some changes will happen. I just hope those who follow me on different sites will accept these changed and maybe still follow me. But if they won't follow me, that's their right and decision that I'll honor.

[lozislaw]

HELLOOOOO, I LOVE YOUR ART 💗💗💗💗 but I want to know if you have some tips for anatomy??? CUZ I WANNA LEARN TOO, or do you know some artists that may have some tips for anatomy? 🥺especially HANDS cuz omg they’re a total pain 😩😩

I love you btw 🖤

Oh god oh jeez. I have no idea what advice I could possibly give that wouldn't sound like a goose trying to learn English with a parrot translator. But goddammit I'm gonna try my way.

This is embarrassing because I'm literally in art school and I'm lacking fundamental advice for anatomy like those incredibly clever art-tips you see online. But I've picked things up along the way I swear. Maybe not exactly what you're asking for (probably definitely not - so I apologise in advance), but I think they're good to know anyway. Bear with me as I vomit them out.

Firstly, I'm gonna play a broken record to you on repeat here, which is the most important thing when it comes to improvement. You guessed it: PRACTISE (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

I know - Trust me I know it sounds tiring, and the idea is much easier than actually picking up your tool and doing it. But there's no way around it. Not even the most talented and incredible artists in the world become that way at the moment of birth; they're spending their lives practising and learning new things. Whether professionally or not, you don't become amazing overnight. It takes effort; and whether you want to treat that effort as work, or fun, is completely up to you. Being one or the other doesn't change your skill - it only changes the way you view your practise. Personally; I view my practise as fun, because it feels like more of an achievement when I make something I'm proud of. It's a win-win. Also because fanart is extremely fun always XD

If you keep practising - even if you hate your work at first and want it burned, I fucking promise you it'll pay off, even if it takes years. The best part about it is looking back on your progress and thinking: wow, I'm so proud of myself. For example here is my own evolution, one from August 2020 - to September 2021

(I was brand new to digital art with a purely traditional background, so I was extremely naive about the whole concept. Looking at multitudes of fanart is my only education XD)

This is the evolution of practice and studying the shit out of other peoples art; experimenting like crazy and teaching yourself from the basics to the advanced. Spend one week practising curls and nothing else. Spend another learning how to render skin. And another doing nothing but hands and fingers and wrists galore. Draw a hand using a photo, even trace over it. Learn your shapes first and then you can advance to the next step. Dip your toes in and you won't get overwhelmed <3

I know this isn't exactly nitty-gritty anatomy tips, but at the end of the day any advice is just more education; it helps all around. I'm gonna give you something else - a much more specific tip; an exercise. It's fun I promise, because there's no such thing as a bad result, they're all equally bad XD Shit - I can hear my teacher scowling, I meant good.

You can do this digitally if you prefer, but I like using simple pencil and paper, it feels more fluid. There are two ways to practise accessing the right-side of your brain (the creative side). Or in a less pretentious way to say: how to stop giving a fuck about being perfect.

The first way is called blind continuous line-drawing. It’s pretty self-explanatory: you either use a reference in front of you or just on memory, and draw it without ever lifting your pencil up. But you don’t look at your paper at all, you’re letting your hand and your memory guide you. The more you practise this, the more you stop worrying about making it neat and perfect, you can fucking let loose. Make music that sounds like cats shoved into a washing machine. This exercise will follow you on your other art pursuits, even if you don’t realise it. Remember, practise baby~

Next exercise, and my personal favourite is loose line sketches. They’re similar to continuous line in the way that you’re encouraged to let your inhibitions go and make a mess. You can lift your pencil, and you can look at your paper, and essentially it’s like sketching... if your sketching was like an ice-addict having a seizure. Which is beautiful! And unique, and dammit you don’t need to feel embarrassed, but none of these are meant to be perfect.

See the heavy loose lines that I use sparingly in the sources of light, and condensed in the spaces of darkness. I put away that little devil telling me to be perfect and concise, and just have fun and go bonkers. It teaches you about form and light without spending 5 hours trying to make it photorealistic. These all took less than 5 minutes, that’s how little I gave a fuck about making them perfect. And goddamn it helps. Give them a try, spend no more than five minutes on them, and see how you go <3 It works digitally too!

Okay this answer is so long and I’m so sorry, I don’t even know if I’ve answered your question at this point, I’ve gone off the rails. Hands... okay hands. Hands are the most difficult thing for me to draw, which is just cruel irony because they’re also my favourite aside from faces. The most I can offer at this point is that practise will save your life. Observe other artists and how they draw, take the time to notice things about their art that you wouldn't at first glance. The highlights and source of light? The length of their fingers? Are they thick or delicate? Are they anime hands and fucking massive? Is that body slender or thicc? Where are they putting the curves, fat and muscle on their person (or furson, furries are welcome here ❤). Decide through this observation and your own practise what kind of style you aspire to have out of your art. Do what makes you proudest, what you find the most enjoyable, and as I've said, stop giving a fuck about anyone, including yourself. You have your own unique take on reality and it's beautiful <3 You can draw blob hands and it's okay, because they're your blob hands :3

And anon? I love you too ;3;

[xionandpluto14]

Stress Fever

(^ that art isn't mine)

Riku x oc oneshot

-

Riku opened every cabinet, searching desperately for what he needed, but it wasn't there. Only one place left to look. He found what he was looking for on the bathroom sink and uncapped it. Empty. "Great..."

His pocket buzzed and he pulled his phone out. It was a text from Rachel. "Right. We were supposed to go on a date today. But I..."

Be there soon, He responded, and then went into the living room.

"Maybe if I just sit down on the couch for a minute..."

Later...

Rachel went over to Riku's house and rapped on the front door. "Riku? You were supposed to come two hours ago, what--"

She stepped inside since the door was already open. He was sprawled across the couch, asleep. It didn't look like a very comfortable position, either. "Ree?"

Riku awoke at the sound of her voice and sat up. "O-oh, I just-- I just dozed off for a while, s-sorry..." he mumbled. They decided not to discuss it any further, and left.

Riku didn't like the busy crowds. They were loud-- they made his head hurt. He'd been looking forward to this date forever, but...

"I haven't talked to you since we planned this anniversary dinner few weeks ago," said Rachel as she sat down, "how've you-- hey, are you alright?"

The second he sat down at their table, he'd buried his face in his arms. He lifted his head to look at her, "I'm fine. Wha... what've you been up to?"

"Not much."

They chatted until their food arrived, and then ate in silence. It was peaceful, until Riku saw the world start twisting and blurring. He stood up a little too fast, making it worse.

"I-- I have to lea-leave..." he mumbled.

"Oh... Okay, I could walk you and--"

"No-- N-no, it's f-fine..."

He speed walked home before his legs could give out, staggered inside without even thinking to close the front door, and collapsed onto the couch as everything went dark.

~the next day~

She headed to his house the next day at noon after texting him and getting no reply. Something had been off last night and she was worried.

The door was wide open, giving a clear view of Riku, asleep on the couch again... only this time it was much worse. No blanket. No pillow. He was sitting up, leaned uncomfortably against the side of the couch and curled in on himself, shivering and mumbling incoherently in a fitful sleep.

She grabbed a pillow and moved it behind him, then laid him down, resting his head on the pillow and wrapping her boyfriend up in a thick blanket. He opened his eyes-- glassy and tired looking. "What...? Ra-Rachel, how did... I..."

"Last night out of nowhere, you... You told me you had to leave, and I didn't hear from you after that. I was worried."

"I did...? Hngh--!" His head had suddenly started throbbing.

The truth was that he was suffering the consequences of ignoring a fever caused by overexertion, lack of sleep, and basically having to climb over a mountain of stress that came from something personal, something he had no intention of bringing up any time soon.

"You look awful," said Rachel, kneeling and setting her palm on Riku's cheek, then she gasped and pulled her hand back. "Sweetie, you're burning up! What happened?"

He groaned and closed his eyes. Everything was spinning and making his head ache even more-- It also hurt to move.

"Do you know how long you've been sick for?"

"A few weeks, I think..."

Her eyes widened, "Riku, you've got to start telling me these things!"

"Sorry..."

She retrieved a wet cloth, and put it on Riku's forehead, hoping to cool him down. He shuddered-- it felt freezing against his heated brow.

"I know, I know..." she murmured. "It'll help, though. I promise."

After that, she sat and talked with him for a while. "How's work? Did you take off and let them know you're sick?"

"Y-Yeah..."

"You look exhausted. Can't believe you've been dealing with this on your own for so long. I'm sorry I didn't notice sooner."

"I ha-had to ignore it. I was really busy with..." He trailed off. It was still a touchy subject.

Rachel went to the store after finding out that he was out of medicine, and quickly returned with what she needed.

He managed to get two pills down. Riku winced from the aftertaste.

"Bitter..." he grumbled.

"Here, you should drink this to wash it down," she handed him a water bottle "plus, you're probably dehydrated."

A few minutes later, his exhaustion took over and apparently his body had decided it was time to sleep, because he was out cold.

~several hours later~

Rachel knelt by the couch again, checking to see if Riku was awake yet. He was stirring quite a bit, muttering something incoherent. A tear ran down his sweaty face.

She brushed it away. He inhaled sharply and opening his weary, dulled eyes.

"Sorry, did I wake you up?"

"No, I-- I was..."

"Is everything okay? You were crying."

He held a hand to his face, surprised when he felt something wet. "I don't know where it... I'm fine."

"Do you want me to make dinner?"

"N-no! That's-- I-- I'm not really hungry. I was just going to change and go back to sleep. Sorry..."

"Sorry for what?" she asked as he stood.

"...Nothing."

Several slow days went by. He didn't talk much-- just sat there, looking sad for some reason.

But when she asked if something was wrong, he'd just shake his head and mutter unintelligibly under his breath. It was growing more concerning by the day.

And then she finally found out what was going on.

She spotted something in his otherwise empty trash bin one evening. A crumpled up piece of paper.

"What's this?" Rachel asked herself. She looked back at Riku, who was staring at her wide-eyed, his face completely pale.

"Nothing important," he said, then gulped, "I swear. Please, just don't... Please..."

"I won't, but... now I'm more worried about you than ever."

"...Fine. Go ahead. I just didn't want you to be disappointed when you found out."

She picked it up and smoothed it out, reading it over.

With every quiet apology she heard, she grew more concerned.

With every word she read, she realized what was going on.

"...You lost your job?"

"I-- I was replaced... My boss found someone better to take over for me-- said he was, 'doing me a favor'... I know he never liked me to begin with. After that it just kept going downhill. Failed interviews... constantly pulling all-nighters... then I started running out of money. Think that was the breaking point-- when my health just sort of caved in from all the stress. I thought I could just ignore it and keep trying to find a job..."

He sighed, "But on the night of our anniversary... of all the times... It got worse. I had to leave because I could feel that I was really close to passing out."

Asking for help would mean borrowing money, he thought, and that's the last thing I want to do.

"...I-- I'm rambling. Sorry..."

"You're fine, I'm glad you told me. But why did you hide this? I would've helped."

"Exactly. I didn't want... to be a burden."

"You didn't want--! I've never, never, considered you a burden. I'll gladly take care of you help get everything back together. I love you."

"I'm sorry, I just... I-- I--" his voice hitched as he started crying.

Rachel didn't waste another second, tossing the letter aside and rushing over, pulling Riku into a tight hug.

And maybe it was her imagination, but it seemed to make him cry harder.

"I'm so sorry for not realizing how much you were going through." she murmured gently, coming out of the hug to meet his gaze.

He wiped his eyes. "...S-stupid..." he muttered, breath catching in his throat, tears still not stopping. He felt embarrassed, acting this way in front of her.

Pull it together, idiot. She's watching.

Rachel put a hand on his cheek and he leaned farther into  it, swallowing the threatening lump in his throat, taking several shaky breaths before it finally subsided.

"I'm glad we talked," he said, "even if..."

"Hey, could I borrow your phone for a minute? You know your boss's number, right?"

"Y-yeah? Why?"

"I was hoping we could... talk."

He handed it to her as his former boss answered the phone.

"Hello?" said Rachel, "this is Riku's girlfriend. I was wondering if we could talk for a minute."

A minute later, when she'd gone into the hallway, he heard yelling. It startled him at first, but then he peered into the hall and saw her screaming into his phone.

Everything sounded sort of fuzzy at the moment, so Riku didn't hear the full conversation, but he did catch bits and pieces of it.

"...done to him.... suffering... breakdown..."

It should have cheered him up a bit, being defended like that, but the fact that she felt the need to do it only made him feel like more of a burden.

"AND I HOPE YOU'RE PROUD OF YOURSELF FOR CAUSING SO MANY PROBLEMS!!!"

Then she came back in looking satisfied, but it did nothing to ease his guilt.

"You didn't have to do that." Riku told her.

"I know," Rachel responded "but it felt good. You don't have to feel bad about needing help every now and then. You should start letting me know when you need anything."

"Would asking for a glass of water be a good start?"

She smiled at him, "of course."

After she brought it to him, there wasn't much else to do. "So now what? Should I make dinner?"

"I don't really have anything you could make right now..." he sighed.

"Okay," said Rachel calmly, pulling out her phone, "then I'll order pizza. Cheese and pepperoni, right?"

"With breadsticks, please." Riku mumbled, then smiled for the first time in a while when she nodded.

And that was the moment when he finally felt like his old self again.

Then he thought about his former boss, probably still confused abut what had just happened, and then he laughed.

"Hmm? What's up?"

"You know he's probably gonna block my phone now, right?"

And then Rachel laughed, as well.

And for the first time in weeks, the room was filled with joy.

Maybe asking for help every once in a while...

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all.

[untothebreach]

I really just can't shake the feeling that I'm annoying and uncool and my friends don't like me. Like if they liked me wouldn't they talk to me? Reach out? I've tried to. I try to!! That's why I send them memes, why I try to strike up conversations!! But there's no engagement. They simply don't want to talk to me, I think. There's no reason for them to. I don't share interests, or fandoms, or books or shows they like. I'm not in any of their DnD games. I'm not their roommate, or their girlfriend. They have no reason to care about me.

They insist they do, and I need to trust them and take that at face value. I need to trust they care about me, and are just trusting me to live my own life. But it suck sometimes to feel like I have to always be the one to engage, when I'm already so tired all the time. There's nothing to make them want to speak to me more, no nagging that will get them to hang out. I have one thing with one of them and once that's gone it'll be nothing. Once we finish the show, I once again have no reason they'll want to come talk to me or see me for any reason at all that isn't contrived or pulled out of my ass in a desperate attempt to fix a connection that's already being smoothed over and replaced by better things.

I'm not even special enough to have a role in the group. We're all queer, and all nonbinary, except they're all doing it Better and More Queer than me so I'm basically just the poser of the group. I'm not funny enough to out-joke the improve comedian, not creative and insightful and introspective enough to out-write or out-analyze or out-create the english majors, the sculpting majors, in any way that matters. I'm too lazy and not motivated enough to out-art the comic artist who puts so much time and energy in her work, and I'm not spontaneous and social enough to RP with them the way this group tends to communicate. There's no point in me engaging when I know I'm simply a dead weight that will drag the conversations and storylines down, when I don't know how to yes and and I'm bad at telling stories. Even as a storyteller.

Which is a whole can of worms on it's own, frankly, but not one I want to pull my incredible storytelling friends into to make them either feel guilty or pity me or look down on me or, worst of all, somehow corrupt them and make them just as bad as I am.

Maybe it would be better for everyone if I left them all to be better on their own. Then maybe I wouldn't drag them down with me.